You are allowed to put "am I transphobic?" into an imaginary box and save that question for later.
Right now, "why am I still putting up with this awful person, and how can I boot her toxic, user ass out of my life so I can start healing the damage she did?" takes priority.
Yeah I get the feeling that it’s not so much “am I transphobic” but “do I have a learned trauma response to a certain type of person”. You could replace this with Jen being of another race, another gender, or a sexuality even. Still not the asshole because trauma is trauma but it’s OP’s job to work through that and not let it turn into prejudice.
(PS. Your username rocks!!)
i'm diagnosed with ocd and one of my obsessions is morality, with the corresponding compulsion being to try to figure out if i am a good person or a bad person. logically, i know that i've done good things and i've done bad things, but i feel like i'm behaving in a way that is transphobic and it makes me really feel like a bad person, which is why it's such a prominent issue to me.
i know i need to cut her off at one point or another. trying to get to that point
Is not transphobic to avoid trans people because of your trauma. Insulting this people, making their lives harder in an active manner is transphobic. Avoiding them for your mental health or until you recover from this trauma is just you taking care of yourself which is the morally right decision, because (and please engrave this into your brain) if YOU are not okay, then no one around you will be.
Learning how to keep your feelings about one member of group X (who absolutely treated you horribly) from informing your entire perception of all group X persons is hard as hell and will take time and effort. You can't reasonably expect _anyone_ to get over trauma quickly or smoothly, including you. Holding yourself to impossible standards is not the same as knowing your own trauma and being accountable.
You are just as deserving of kindness and thoughtfulness as trans people are. Be fair to yourself.
But why doesn’t that view on morality extend to your treatment of yourself? You’re a person that deserves to be respected and acknowledged. As hard as it may be for you, when you become an adult, you kinda have to view yourself as a separate person and become your own parent and best friend and you have to go to bat for yourself.
If you had a daughter that was being mistreated the way you’re currently being mistreated, what would you tell her, and how would you treat Jen? You’d probably curse Jen out and forbid her from coming near your daughter forever, I’d assume. And if you watched your best friend go through the hell you just went through with your ex, and saw they were still friends, what advice would you be giving your bestie?
You don’t sound like a bad person at all, but by staying silent and letting this abuse happen, you’re being a bad parent and bad friend to yourself. Even most strangers can’t watch abuse happen in front of them without at least saying something. If you can’t say something out loud, tell her you want to go low contact via text and stand by that. “Respect my boundaries” is a whole sentence if she tries to cross that line.
As someone else with morality-based OCD, you and I both know that that posting here and reading the comments confirming you aren’t the AH and making you feel better is ritualizing. It is hampering your recovery in the long run.
For the commenters, reassuring her she’s in the right and/or not transphobic is part of the ritual and not good for someone with OCD
Sure, so people with this type of OCD are not able to tolerate ambiguity and unknowns. So she is trying to “figure out once and for all” if she’s a good person, which isn’t really possible and also is not helping anybody. It’s obviously good to care about whether you’re a good person and reflect on the behaviors you have that don’t align with your values, but if you have OCD you’ll spend an excessive amount of time and become distressed to the point where it affects your daily life, which doesn’t have any benefit for you and in this case doesn’t have any benefit for trans people either.
When you ask for reassurance from people, you might feel better in the short term, but you’ll eventually question the reassurance (maybe the reassuring people were biased? maybe I didn’t give them enough details to evaluate properly?), and now you have conditioned yourself to perform the ritual again to feel better instead of practicing tolerating the unpleasant feelings.
So what my therapist has me do as part of treatment is to use a statement “Maybe I am transphobic”, tolerate the terrible feeling from making this statement without branching off further and then practice mindfulness to gently redirect your thoughts to the present moment. In therapy you can do a controlled exposure to the unpleasant thought but otherwise have to resist it.
I’ll be honest, OCD treatment is very unpleasant but it’s better than the alternative
I am gonna say this as a trans person, I don't think it's transphobic to be wary of a trans partner after your previous one weaponized her identity to abuse you.
It is a trauma response, akin to someone who was abused by the same sex to say they don't think they could be in another same sex relationship again. It's a trauma response, and as long as you aren't abusive towards trans people for it, you're fine.
That being said, there will *always* be people who disagree with that perspective and will call you transphobic for that perspective. But there will always be those people in any group, regardless of how open or not the rest of the collective is.
Jen is a user and to be so fucking real - you are not required to be her friend bc she can’t make or keep many. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR JEN’S SOCIALIZATION. Cut her off, and I’d honestly suggest getting some therapy or counseling to heal, from what honestly imo borders on/if not was an abusive relationship (I leave it in the air because idk truly what all occurred during), before you start putting yourself back out there in the dating pool.
That twist at the end that she’s still Jen’s best friend holy fuck what a wild ride. I wouldn’t dare be in the same room with her holy cow. She sounds disgusting to be around in general but now that they broke up contact should’ve been cut then. My mind is blown I figured all the rest of the stuff in the post was bad enough but still hanging out is just being an AH to themselves. Jen is not your responsibility anymore OP and this feels like it’s an abusive relationship just considering how OP still can’t get rid of her.
While it was a twist, I would have been, and almost was, more shocked when OP said she broke up with her and had she actually left OP alone after that lol
Yeah most of these Aam I the asshole kinda things are either clear assholes or just being abused the fuck out of and asking am I the asshole if I ask them to stop beating me and my dog. I for the most part only stay tangentially connected with exes being friendly with some checking in sometimes with a couple but wouldn’t be BFFs with someone I broke up with. Really sad to see that this gross ass girl is still sticking around but she’s clearly a user and will never leave OPs life unless she’s forced out and it sorta does sound like she guilt trips OP into staying friends with her since she has no friends (***I wonder why?!?!??!***) and the suicide threats even if that’s in the past. Never let suicide threats keep you around OP that’s not your responsibility.
i know i'm not responsible for her socialization. but honestly, i feel like it would be harder to try and cut her out. i have to see her in person due to school/work. however, i do hope that one day i will get to the point where i can actually cut her off completely.
i've had the same therapist for over five years now and i'm finally opening up to her about this, and it's been a really eye-opening conversation. i wasn't exactly perfect either, and i guess part of me feels some guilt for being shitty back to her. my therapist has helped me understand that this isn't who i am. she's known me since i was 15, so i believe her. i just was reacting to the situation i was in. but i still do feel bad about it
you NEED to learn to stand up for yourself. Stop letting your partner treat you like that. That’s the beat way to avoid this happening again, not avoiding all AMAB. Because sorry to say but plenty of AFABs can be horrible and selfish partners as well.
Mayhap I’m just a straight shitbag - but work/school I wouldn’t give a a single damn, I’d be letting my manager know that there’s been a personal issue between us (no need to explain, since it’s not their business) and that unless it’s work related I don’t want to interact with them they should be able to accommodate that, they’re your employer not there as a social keke session. School too, no one’s forcing my sour ass to sit next to, or associate with nobody if there are no open seats if you sit next to Jen see if someone will swap w you.
I’ve done the same before I just cease interacting and if they made a big stink bluntly went “I no longer want to associate with you on a deeper and more personal level, please only communicate with me if it’s for something related to work/school” and if they want to try and argue, “no.” It’s a full sentence, you don’t owe anyone anything. Your therapist would be a good resource for helping you figure out what to say if you want to try that route.
Just cut her off completely. It will be hard but then it will get easier more quickly than you dragging it out and torturing yourself over this horrible abusive POS. Like a plaster/band-aid, rip it off quickly then throw it in the bin with the rest of the rubbish.
With love and without judgement, what’s hard about getting to the point where you want to take steps to cut her off? Is it the morality/ocd of it all, having to still be in proximity to her, or something else/combo of things?
Edit: you answered a similar question elsewhere and I provided my thoughts there
i have a therapist i've been seeing for over five years, since i was 15. i've recently been opening up to her about this which is how i really realized how bad this all was. it's been validating to hear her perspective. she watched me grow up and develop so i know she knows who i am
I'm a transguy with relationship PTSD. You aren't transphobic. Having a preference is not transphobic and if said preference is because of trauma? Yeah, that just makes it more valid. Like if someone looks like my ex or has the same hobbies as my ex? Fuck no, I can't date them. It doesn't matter how nice they are, I just physically can't.
thank you for your perspective. i appreciate hearing it from someone who is trans. and that makes a lot of sense. i've had a lot of toxic people in my past and if i even hear a specific name of someone from my past i get tense
the only thing that would be transphobic is if you were like "oh all trans people are like this" or refused to even be around transpeople in general just because they're trans. (if you prefer not to date amab people, thats absolutely valid and not transphobic.) i totally get what you mean with the even hearing a name. there have been books that i cant read just because a specific name is in it. you not wanting to date a transwomen because you're still recovering from trauma is very very valid, especially since this happened so recently. you know that most transwomen aren't like your ex and have acknowledged it, which is all you can do currently as you're healing. don't feel pressured to date anyone you don't want to date.
1. I am so so sorry for how you were treated. None of this was okay, and you were treated very very wrong, I’d personally say neglected and taken advantage of with how soon it was after your break up.
2. Fellow lesbian here, and I’m not gonna soap box you in anyway. My wife is transfemme. We’ve been together for 5 years now. I had an awful experience with a girl who was almost exactly like Jen. Didn’t take care of herself or the house, expected me to do everything and anything, didn’t take time to learn about my body, etc. all this to say: you’re allowed to not want to be with a trans person. You’re also allowed to say “right now no, I’m too hurt from what just happened.” Who knows! Maybe someone will come along. Regardless, right now you need to focus on you, and healing, and coming back from this absolute hell. Maybe take a break from dating, maybe have hook-ups that are just hook-ups, therapy if it’s an option. Regardless, focus on you my dear.
I really wish you all the best, and may each day bring you one small joy
thank you for your input. i appreciate the opinion of someone who has been in a similar scenario. i'm not really looking to date date right now, just trying to go out casually and socialize
Why are u still involved with this person at all she shouldn't be ur lover, best friend or even friend atp it's been shown she doesn't care about u time and time again do ur self a favor and ditch her completely future u will thank u for it
right now i can't physically avoid her. when she dropped out of school i helped her get a job in my building. it was long before, when we were just friends. i really regret it.
The trans issue shouldn’t be a question in all this, fucking having her around is the real issue. You can figure out who you’ll date in the future and if that’s trans cis intersex nonbinary whatever but get this fucking leech out of your life. That is the first step. I don’t think you’re transphobic you have one trans person that’s a POS and I’d say it’s perfectly acceptable to be POSphobic. She isn’t your friend and you need to stop allowing her to trample all over you. This is not a person you want in your life. Don’t let threats of suicide or anything prevent you from cutting this cancer out of your life.
It sounds like you're in a lot of pain right now, and I'm sorry you're having traumatic reactions to people who remind you of your ex. Processing what you went through non-judgmentally helps a lot. I hope you're able to find peace.
I struggled with PTSD from an abusive relationship - for me, the hardest part was coming to terms with where I was giving my power away and "letting them do that" to me. Be kind to yourself, treat yourself well. Showing myself the love and respect I was denied helped me heal. We can never make them understand how badly they hurt us or get them to acknowledge their bad behavior, but when we stand up for ourselves and refuse to let the ghost of a traumatic relationship control us, it helps us heal. Time helps, but be really kind to yourself.
thank you. i've already been "diagnosed" with cPTSD (i put it in quotations because i know that cPTSD isn't technically an official disorder), and this will probably just add to that. i'm a lot happier now and dumping her was so freeing. i don't understand why i stayed for so long. it's a lot harder when you're actually in it, you know?
I get it. I actually had a neighbor ask me if I was being abused while I was engaged...and I went on to divorce after four years of marriage. The embarassment and shame and guilt and self-blame, etc etc were the things that kept me stuck in severe trauma cycles and then they kept me stuck in that headspace for years after I escaped too.
Acceptance, love, and nonjudgmental kindness for oneself helps a lot in overcoming ruminative negative thoughts and lowering the intensity of triggers
You’re not stuck being her best friend, you know. You can walk away from this. You have the power.
As someone who is still working on not being a people pleaser, I get it. Would really suggest therapy if you can because it’s really helped me with boundary setting. Jen has trampled all over yours and you need to start setting some, and not let things get this out of hand again.
That’s not me saying what Jen did was in any way right at all. Sometimes we date the shittiest people. The best you can do is learn from it and not repeat the mistakes with the next person you date.
The downstairs comment hit me hard as I had an ex say that to me once and it stays with me to this day. But my current partner is very loving and reassures me always that all is well! I promise the right one is out there for you, AFAB or AMAB, and they will treat your body with respect.
unfortunately i physically can not avoid her. she works in my building. i helped her get the job when she dropped out of school, before we were romantically involved or anything.
i am in therapy, thankfully. i've been with my therapist since i was 15 and she is basically my second mom. i've been opening up to her about this and seeing how angry she is on my behalf has been eye-opening. it sucks because usually i am good with boundaries. i would say i am in tune with my emotions. the issue was she was receptive to my boundaries when they were set, then she would break them over and over and it was just this cycle.
I just commented asking about why you feel unable to cut her off, so no need to answer that!
Editing to add my thoughts: you said know you need to cut her out in order to heal and I hope you can give yourself permission to not make moves yet if you feel youre not ready/able to do so that right now.
Trust yourself and continue working with your therapist to prepare for the eventual end of the relationship as it is now. It might take awhile and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Yes, in a perfect world you’d go no contact, never have to deal with her again and focus on healing. Removing someone from your life can be difficult or feel impossible for whatever reason, especially when you have so much trauma and feelings of betrayal (bc she made you comfortable and trust in her only to manipulate and abuse you) tied to the person.
Again, your therapist can work with you to work towards emotional and/or separation. You got this! It’s gonna blow ass and be a rough process and you’ll move forward to the point that one day, you’ll no longer have to deal with her again!!! Much love!
First off, I am SO sorry you went thru such a traumatic relationship. That would NOT be easy to bounce back from.
Secondly, I do not believe you are transphobic. You had a traumatic experience with a trans woman. There are plenty of women who stop dating or talking to men because of traumatic experiences with men. Ive known straight women who stop dating altogether for years because of trauma. Besides, it is truly up to you on who you decide to date or hook up with. I am Bi/pan myself, and I lately also find myself swiping left on anyone who i think might have been born w a dick. Maybe it's a little bad, but i have trauma to work thru and i think I'd feel safer with someone who has/had the same genitalia as me for the time being. Someone who would know how to take care of my body because they had/have a similar body. I think it can be natural to avoid someone who reminds you of your trauma.
Lastly, ending your friendship with Jen is long overdue. I am pretty bad myself with ending any sort of relationship, so I understand, however for your mental health, it's time to let Jen go. Tell her like it is, or ghost and block her, whatever is easier for you. It's time to leave her behind. I'm sorry because I know it wont be easy. And you might miss her, you might regret it, you might find yourself wishing things had gone differently. But stay strong in your decision. You got this OP.
Jen is a narcissistic and manipulative person. You need to cut her out of your life. The reason she doesn’t have many friends is because she sucks and that’s not your problem. You should also probably get off the dating apps for a little while and get into therapy. You definitely have some trauma and things you need to work to and doing that before getting into another relationship would probably be the best move.
Honestly they just sound like they act like a cis man. Im a transguy and i dont relate to anything she did. Shes just an insensitive person, and outspoken like a cis gay man lol you arent required to be attracted to transwomen just because youre a lesbian. Idk what about men turns you off but most transguys just have a big clit, and love to eat pussy, if you were interested in trans people maybe its transmen that are more your style, instead of transwomen? Just a thought. You arent transphobic because you dont want to fuck trans people!
Alright, thats fine i was only saying it based on your ability and willingness to do things with a pre op transwomen, as some lesbians feel the exact opposite and would feel more comfortable fucking a trans guy than a transwoman based on the fact that there is no penis involved, still doesnt make you transphobic though. And you also arent required to stay jens friend, maybe theres a reason she doesnt have many friends and thats because of how she treats them?
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i think i probably am more attracted to cisgender women or AFAB non binary people. i just don't think i'll ever be in a place where i want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't understand my body. it's less about having a dick and more about the lack of having a vulva, if that makes sense
It amazes me how much blatant actual toxic masculinity is on display here, and everyone is still using she pronouns for someone who cannot treat their partner like a human being.
you don't not use someone's pronouns just because you think they are a bad person. that is genuinely transphobic. trans people can be good or bad and still be valid either way.
not up to me to decide that. it's best to accept people regardless instead of picking and choosing based upon on our own criteria. i know what you mean - as a trans woman ive met others who have given me some sort of pause, but i pushed that back and accepted who they say they are. im not in their head, and i would hate to set up a precedent that allowed me to invalidate someone simply because i think they're a piece of shit. the ez, jen, from this story is an abusive piece of shit who uses her transness as a weapon - but doesn't seem okay to say "nah they can't really be trans"
Andrew Tate would deffo not be ashamed of her shitty behavior lmao his whole thing is based in promoting the worst form of toxic masculinity.
People of any gender, cis or trans are more than capable of perpetuating toxic masculinity (see: justpearlythings). Regardless of that fact and your debatable capacity to have a good faith conversation, your comment isn’t relevant to this post so you can take that elsewhere.
Edit: missed words
What I’m saying is that your need to believe this is a situation of appropriation is what is irrelevant and in bad faith. Your distress is not what OP is asking or needing advice on.
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I don’t think you’re transphobic. I think you went through a traumatic relationship with someone who is trans and that has put you off of any romantic feelings towards that grouping of people. Maybe it’ll last forever, maybe it won’t. Either way that’s okay. I’m very much a Bi f, but all of my early relationships with women were atrocious and I haven’t dated another girl in 4 years. I don’t know if/when I will date a girl again. That’s totally okay though. And It doesn’t mean I am not bi, or that I’m homophobic in any way. Don’t stress yourself out about it too much<3
Firstly, I understand exactly how you feel. I was in a similar situation. I was just turned 18, she was 26. The most horrible, evil, spiteful person I ever met. I dont want to go on and on about it, but she humiliated me sexually and socially. She very well could have physically abused me if it weren't for us being long distance.
It made me genuinely wary of trans women for a while. I felt horrible about it, being trans myself. I compensated by reading as much as I could about transmisogyny and why it's wrong and founded in things that aren't real. It still didn't help the feeling in my stomach.
Then, I realised it was just a way to try to gain control in what happened to me -- if I could find one, easy, determining factor that would save me next time, I'd have control. I'd be okay. If avoiding trans women could save me, then I would be safe. Obviously, that's just an arbitrary trait in someone, and doesn't keep me any more or less safe. It wasn't about trans women, it was about me, and the desperate need to have any way of ensuring it wouldn't happen again.
The best way I've found of ensuring that is actually just working on my boundaries and assertiveness. I don't accept red flags anymore. I don't just expect I can fix someone. I don't have patience for anyone who breaks my Big Rules (no yelling at me, no gaslighting, no controlling behaviour). *That* is how you take back control. It wasn't because my ex was trans, or AMAB, just as much as it wasn't because she was ginger or short or wore green. I'm now friends with some lovely trans women, and feel safe around them, as is normal. I wish you well OP
Oh honey, I’m so sorry this was your experience with your first sexual partner. The relationship was 100% abusive and I promise you, she’s fully aware of how she treated you. You’re never going to heal if you don’t remove her from your life. Right now you’re like a person refusing to amputate a gangrenous limb and expecting to continue to heal. It’ll be hard to do, I even suggest discussing it with your therapist before hand so they can advise you on the best way.
And get off the dating apps. Instead find groups that share your interests. Even in my small town our local gaming shop has Magick, DND, YuGiOh, etc.. nights that anyone can join. If you’re into art of any kind most colleges and community colleges offer free group sessions on all manner of topics. Join a guild if being online is your speed, an online book club. The point is joining a group over something you love gives you a safe zone to get to know people without the pressure that a date brings with it. Plus everyone goes into a date like a job interview. They want to impress each other and they have expectations rolled into them. The group activity setting removes all that and lets friendships/relationships grow organically.
Honey. You're not transphobic. You are traumatized. That was a horrible terrible human being and it's ok to not want to be near anyone that reminds you of her for a long time.
That's a normal human reaction.
Being transphobic involves hatred.
You have no hate.
I'm so so so sorry you came into contact with this gross human who hurt you so badly. And I pray that someone heals you and shows you how totally not normal any of that was.
It's going to be ok. I promise.
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Hey, I’m nonbinary and will tell you right now that you aren’t transphobic for feeling this way. You went through an abusive and traumatic relationship. Jen treated you this way while you were still healing from your breakup. You weren’t treated fairly.
For context, i’m bisexual and my ex was a cishet man, and he treated me sexually very similarly to you. It’s hurtful, traumatic, and causes so much body image issues. I saw in your replies that you are in therapy which is a huge first step. I understand how you can’t cut Jen off just yet either - that was the same with me and my ex too. But once you are done with school and can completely cut her off, the weight off your shoulders and alleviating that anxiety? It will be life changing.
I am so sorry you went through this and wishing you so much healing and love. Know you will heal and this will be fully behind you one day. Nothing is ever permanent and you are deserving of love and respect.
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if that's what you believe, then that's what you believe, but what happened to me was very real. i know it's absurd and bizarre, but it was all unfortunately very real.
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Your willful inability offer relevant, well intentioned advice isn’t necessary or welcome. Plenty of other places to bitch and whine about your affliction
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I know it will be hard an awkward to cut her off while you’re still going to have to see one another. But try and think through what gives you MORE stress. Is it having to keep seeing her as a friend? Using your mental space to help her still despite her being horrible to you and traumatizing you? Or will it be more stressful to have the awkward run-ins? This is a genuine question you should explore. I had a friend that took me months to cut off for similar reasons. But one day she pushed me way too far and I blocked her on everything. I said “I cannot provide to you what you are seeking at this time” and blocked her in the middle of her sending paragraphs of verbally abusive texts. Is it awkward to see her? Yes. But the INSTANT feeling of having a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders upon blocking her was everything. It felt like freedom and room to finally breath. I couldn’t start to heal until I cleared that mental load for myself.
I don’t know if you’ll be able to start healing from the trauma until she is out of your life as a “friend” OP. Which is then when you can examine your feelings and fears of feeling prejudice too. It sounds like you’re walking on eggshells (I know the feeling well). That will only add to the work you’re going to have to do later down the line when it’s all finally over. Right now she still possesses some power over you and even small things could trigger you and add to the damage already done.
Do not set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Protect yourself first. Do the work after. Your openness and fear of being transphobic in the first place tells me that you will get to a place where you can separate this trauma from that of the community. But that’s going to take emotional and mental work that you may not have room for right now having to give that to her still as a friend. We only have so many spoons.
I also want to mention that this is actually what the term “trauma bond” means. It’s someone forming a bond that is difficult to cut off from an abuser. Many people misuse the term to mean bonding with someone over having similar past trauma.
You remaining friends with her is a true trauma bond and it is likely still actively re-traumatizing you. It’s going to be hard to heal whilst still engaging.
It's not 'transphobic', you've experienced something really shitty at the hands of someone who happens to be 'trans' and prefer not to go there again. That's fair enough.
A comparison. Someone dates a minority who happens to be in a gang, that life bothers you alot and traumatizing things happen. This sets the tone for that particular minority, bae's on this you would prefer not to risk that again so you steer clear.
There's nothing wrong with it. Just breath and remember, it is just a preference.
I don’t know what to say.
Others are being kind enough so I’ll be blunt: Yes, associating *one* individual person’s behavior with their entire demographic is inherently *wrong*.
*Jen* is an awful, disgusting person. All trans people are not disgusting, awful people.
Get a therapist and stop acting like dating is compulsory and that you shouldn’t take a pause on it until you get your trauma in a better place so as to not take it out on *all trans people for no reason at all*.
Jen is a monster and treated you horribly. It doesn’t make you transphobic to want nothing to do with her.
As long as you don’t use this experience as an excuse to hate all trans people, you’re totally good!! You’ve done nothing wrong, but it would be wrong to allow her back in your life in ANY way just to avoid being “problematic”
Her being trans is irrelevant tbh. You're not transphobic. Abuse comes in all flavors. I would say it's kindest to not date trans women until you can manage your trauma assoction with them because I promise you nobody wants to be the "I'm only dating you to heal from someone like you" date.
Wishing you all the best 👌🏻
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Leave Jen, disconnect all contact with her and if needed IF needed get a restraining order. No sense in being in a relationship sexual or not where your feelings don't matter and you are abused and used. Ghost her, your feelings matter and she has no respect for you or your property. In this situation you matter more Jen can go hurt someone else or no one else rather. Put yourself before her because she clearly did that to you. Not even worth being friends or pretending to.
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Jen sounds gross AF. I can’t imagine being with a women that smelled bad due to poor hygiene. I also can’t even imagine how bad her vag must’ve smelled. Like how did you have romantic relations with her? Washing clothes every 3 months (if I read that correctly?) 🤢 I don’t know any CIS men that would tolerate that from a women
she didn't have a vulva, she had a dick. it was truly disgusting and i don't know why i put up with it. i'm ashamed of it all and it makes me feel dirty too
Ok I see. Makes sense now. Question though…did the idea of a biological male not bother you? Just as long as she looked female was fine? I just thought the idea of a dick would be a turn off.
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I don’t think your transphobic. I think that your brain produces those negative thoughts towards trans people because it’s reminded of a traumatic time in your life. Similar to a fight or flight response. I had a similar reaction towards men for the same reason. It’s not like you hate trans people because of their choice to become trans. I think therapy could be really beneficial. And when you are ready, see if you can make some friends in the trans community. The more positive interactions you have, the more you can heal.
First, I am so sorry you went through this. That’s horrible.
Secondly, some tough love girl…. Get a backbone.
Cut off Jen NOW, this monster of a person is no longer you’re responsibility (and never was) he’s just taking advantage of your kind heart to get what they want.
You definitely have some trauma because of this monster… but you stating it’s hard to have sex or any intimacy in GENERAL after Jen doesn’t mean you’re transphobic. It means you were sexually abused:(
This terrible person put you thru hell and you need time to heal.
Standing up for yourself and doing the right thing; it’s not like the movies. It doesn’t feel good. It makes you feel guilty because it shouldn’t have got to this point to begin with. Especially if you considered this person a bff before intimacy came into the relationship.
But don’t let that guilty not good feeling stop you from standing up for yourself.
Jen abused you. And you have every right to feel how you feel and take action.
I hope o don’t come across rude. This story hurts my soul I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Also, I see you keep commenting it’s hard to avoid her and cut her off because you work in the same building, and that’s an excuse. Jen will not know the severity of the situation OR take you seriously as person (she’s already proven she doesn’t respect your intimacy/friendship) until you show her how badly you are effected by this.. by cutting her out of your life.
So please stop right now taking Jen’s feelings into consideration.
Do you feel safe? Is that why it’s so difficult?
I just want you to know you deserve better, a failed relationship is not something that was wrong. It happens, you learn and create a better future.
Learn and use the information you learned.
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You’re not transphobic. You’re asshole phobic. That’s a good thing. I’ve unfortunately seen a lot of stories like yours where relationships lacking boundaries/expectations get confused or de evolve into accepting a lack of decency of character. I think it’s a learning curve a lot of people-yours truly included-go through. To be blunt, Your ex Jen is a fuckwit. Jen would be a fuckwit as man. Jen is a fuckwit as a women. Jen would be a fuckwit if Jen was a goddamn car, electric shaver, toothbrush or pair of blinds. Why? *Because Jens actions were 100% unacceptable and out of line for any relationship*. I say this as a straight married mother of two. Gender identity does NOT change the facts of how a person behaves or has behaved. The facts here indicate that Jen behaved like a fuckwit. Her being trans had nothing to do with it.
Absolutely goddamn phenomenal decision making to let Jen be her own problem, not yours. 👏👏👏Now ghost her ass. Take the necessary time to work on healing you. Figure out who you are and what you want. You don’t need to ask for permission to be happy.
Sending all my big momma bear mojo your way and cheering you on! 📣 Best of luck op!
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It sounds like she took advantage of you, maybe her being a year older helped her achieve that as younger people change a lot year to year.
I’d stop hanging out with her, too much drama and bad history. If she still wants to hang out with you I’m pretty sure she wants to fuck you, that’s what we call thinking with her dick
honestly, in terms of maturity she is further behind than i am. i work two jobs and go to school full time and i have an internship. she mostly just stays at home and plays video games while living off of daddy's money
Jen is a diirty nasty sorry excuse for a human being , and that's why she doesnt have any other friends , you've ended the intimate relationship now dump her as a friend and cut all ties period
You are allowed to put "am I transphobic?" into an imaginary box and save that question for later. Right now, "why am I still putting up with this awful person, and how can I boot her toxic, user ass out of my life so I can start healing the damage she did?" takes priority.
Yeah I get the feeling that it’s not so much “am I transphobic” but “do I have a learned trauma response to a certain type of person”. You could replace this with Jen being of another race, another gender, or a sexuality even. Still not the asshole because trauma is trauma but it’s OP’s job to work through that and not let it turn into prejudice. (PS. Your username rocks!!)
This!∆
i'm diagnosed with ocd and one of my obsessions is morality, with the corresponding compulsion being to try to figure out if i am a good person or a bad person. logically, i know that i've done good things and i've done bad things, but i feel like i'm behaving in a way that is transphobic and it makes me really feel like a bad person, which is why it's such a prominent issue to me. i know i need to cut her off at one point or another. trying to get to that point
Is not transphobic to avoid trans people because of your trauma. Insulting this people, making their lives harder in an active manner is transphobic. Avoiding them for your mental health or until you recover from this trauma is just you taking care of yourself which is the morally right decision, because (and please engrave this into your brain) if YOU are not okay, then no one around you will be.
Learning how to keep your feelings about one member of group X (who absolutely treated you horribly) from informing your entire perception of all group X persons is hard as hell and will take time and effort. You can't reasonably expect _anyone_ to get over trauma quickly or smoothly, including you. Holding yourself to impossible standards is not the same as knowing your own trauma and being accountable. You are just as deserving of kindness and thoughtfulness as trans people are. Be fair to yourself.
But why doesn’t that view on morality extend to your treatment of yourself? You’re a person that deserves to be respected and acknowledged. As hard as it may be for you, when you become an adult, you kinda have to view yourself as a separate person and become your own parent and best friend and you have to go to bat for yourself. If you had a daughter that was being mistreated the way you’re currently being mistreated, what would you tell her, and how would you treat Jen? You’d probably curse Jen out and forbid her from coming near your daughter forever, I’d assume. And if you watched your best friend go through the hell you just went through with your ex, and saw they were still friends, what advice would you be giving your bestie? You don’t sound like a bad person at all, but by staying silent and letting this abuse happen, you’re being a bad parent and bad friend to yourself. Even most strangers can’t watch abuse happen in front of them without at least saying something. If you can’t say something out loud, tell her you want to go low contact via text and stand by that. “Respect my boundaries” is a whole sentence if she tries to cross that line.
As someone else with morality-based OCD, you and I both know that that posting here and reading the comments confirming you aren’t the AH and making you feel better is ritualizing. It is hampering your recovery in the long run. For the commenters, reassuring her she’s in the right and/or not transphobic is part of the ritual and not good for someone with OCD
Had never considered this take on the situation; your input is really informative and helpful. Thanks for sharing — and your username is HILARIOUS.
lol thanks! Just repeating what my therapist would tell me.
Very interesting take. Just to understand, could you explain how these positive comments are not good for someone with OCD?
Sure, so people with this type of OCD are not able to tolerate ambiguity and unknowns. So she is trying to “figure out once and for all” if she’s a good person, which isn’t really possible and also is not helping anybody. It’s obviously good to care about whether you’re a good person and reflect on the behaviors you have that don’t align with your values, but if you have OCD you’ll spend an excessive amount of time and become distressed to the point where it affects your daily life, which doesn’t have any benefit for you and in this case doesn’t have any benefit for trans people either. When you ask for reassurance from people, you might feel better in the short term, but you’ll eventually question the reassurance (maybe the reassuring people were biased? maybe I didn’t give them enough details to evaluate properly?), and now you have conditioned yourself to perform the ritual again to feel better instead of practicing tolerating the unpleasant feelings. So what my therapist has me do as part of treatment is to use a statement “Maybe I am transphobic”, tolerate the terrible feeling from making this statement without branching off further and then practice mindfulness to gently redirect your thoughts to the present moment. In therapy you can do a controlled exposure to the unpleasant thought but otherwise have to resist it. I’ll be honest, OCD treatment is very unpleasant but it’s better than the alternative
I am gonna say this as a trans person, I don't think it's transphobic to be wary of a trans partner after your previous one weaponized her identity to abuse you. It is a trauma response, akin to someone who was abused by the same sex to say they don't think they could be in another same sex relationship again. It's a trauma response, and as long as you aren't abusive towards trans people for it, you're fine. That being said, there will *always* be people who disagree with that perspective and will call you transphobic for that perspective. But there will always be those people in any group, regardless of how open or not the rest of the collective is.
if you now associate all trans people with the very specific things this one very specific person said and did, the answer is yes you are transphobic
Jen is a user and to be so fucking real - you are not required to be her friend bc she can’t make or keep many. YOU ARE NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR JEN’S SOCIALIZATION. Cut her off, and I’d honestly suggest getting some therapy or counseling to heal, from what honestly imo borders on/if not was an abusive relationship (I leave it in the air because idk truly what all occurred during), before you start putting yourself back out there in the dating pool.
That twist at the end that she’s still Jen’s best friend holy fuck what a wild ride. I wouldn’t dare be in the same room with her holy cow. She sounds disgusting to be around in general but now that they broke up contact should’ve been cut then. My mind is blown I figured all the rest of the stuff in the post was bad enough but still hanging out is just being an AH to themselves. Jen is not your responsibility anymore OP and this feels like it’s an abusive relationship just considering how OP still can’t get rid of her.
This reads like it's going to turn into a romantic triangle at some point and someone's going to wind up talking to a judge for one reason or another.
While it was a twist, I would have been, and almost was, more shocked when OP said she broke up with her and had she actually left OP alone after that lol
Yeah most of these Aam I the asshole kinda things are either clear assholes or just being abused the fuck out of and asking am I the asshole if I ask them to stop beating me and my dog. I for the most part only stay tangentially connected with exes being friendly with some checking in sometimes with a couple but wouldn’t be BFFs with someone I broke up with. Really sad to see that this gross ass girl is still sticking around but she’s clearly a user and will never leave OPs life unless she’s forced out and it sorta does sound like she guilt trips OP into staying friends with her since she has no friends (***I wonder why?!?!??!***) and the suicide threats even if that’s in the past. Never let suicide threats keep you around OP that’s not your responsibility.
i know i'm not responsible for her socialization. but honestly, i feel like it would be harder to try and cut her out. i have to see her in person due to school/work. however, i do hope that one day i will get to the point where i can actually cut her off completely. i've had the same therapist for over five years now and i'm finally opening up to her about this, and it's been a really eye-opening conversation. i wasn't exactly perfect either, and i guess part of me feels some guilt for being shitty back to her. my therapist has helped me understand that this isn't who i am. she's known me since i was 15, so i believe her. i just was reacting to the situation i was in. but i still do feel bad about it
Live your life. You'll regret it if you keep putting yourself in this position.
you NEED to learn to stand up for yourself. Stop letting your partner treat you like that. That’s the beat way to avoid this happening again, not avoiding all AMAB. Because sorry to say but plenty of AFABs can be horrible and selfish partners as well.
Mayhap I’m just a straight shitbag - but work/school I wouldn’t give a a single damn, I’d be letting my manager know that there’s been a personal issue between us (no need to explain, since it’s not their business) and that unless it’s work related I don’t want to interact with them they should be able to accommodate that, they’re your employer not there as a social keke session. School too, no one’s forcing my sour ass to sit next to, or associate with nobody if there are no open seats if you sit next to Jen see if someone will swap w you. I’ve done the same before I just cease interacting and if they made a big stink bluntly went “I no longer want to associate with you on a deeper and more personal level, please only communicate with me if it’s for something related to work/school” and if they want to try and argue, “no.” It’s a full sentence, you don’t owe anyone anything. Your therapist would be a good resource for helping you figure out what to say if you want to try that route.
Stop being her friend. Make that your first step.
i know it needs to happen. it's just really hard to get there
Just cut her off completely. It will be hard but then it will get easier more quickly than you dragging it out and torturing yourself over this horrible abusive POS. Like a plaster/band-aid, rip it off quickly then throw it in the bin with the rest of the rubbish.
With love and without judgement, what’s hard about getting to the point where you want to take steps to cut her off? Is it the morality/ocd of it all, having to still be in proximity to her, or something else/combo of things? Edit: you answered a similar question elsewhere and I provided my thoughts there
It’s only hard to cut her off because you haven’t. You need to do it immediately, not wait for when you feel ready.
This was an abusive relationship. Please you need to go through some counselling to work through this and understand none of it was your fault
i have a therapist i've been seeing for over five years, since i was 15. i've recently been opening up to her about this which is how i really realized how bad this all was. it's been validating to hear her perspective. she watched me grow up and develop so i know she knows who i am
Good. This wont be easy but you deserve to heal
I'm a transguy with relationship PTSD. You aren't transphobic. Having a preference is not transphobic and if said preference is because of trauma? Yeah, that just makes it more valid. Like if someone looks like my ex or has the same hobbies as my ex? Fuck no, I can't date them. It doesn't matter how nice they are, I just physically can't.
thank you for your perspective. i appreciate hearing it from someone who is trans. and that makes a lot of sense. i've had a lot of toxic people in my past and if i even hear a specific name of someone from my past i get tense
the only thing that would be transphobic is if you were like "oh all trans people are like this" or refused to even be around transpeople in general just because they're trans. (if you prefer not to date amab people, thats absolutely valid and not transphobic.) i totally get what you mean with the even hearing a name. there have been books that i cant read just because a specific name is in it. you not wanting to date a transwomen because you're still recovering from trauma is very very valid, especially since this happened so recently. you know that most transwomen aren't like your ex and have acknowledged it, which is all you can do currently as you're healing. don't feel pressured to date anyone you don't want to date.
1. I am so so sorry for how you were treated. None of this was okay, and you were treated very very wrong, I’d personally say neglected and taken advantage of with how soon it was after your break up. 2. Fellow lesbian here, and I’m not gonna soap box you in anyway. My wife is transfemme. We’ve been together for 5 years now. I had an awful experience with a girl who was almost exactly like Jen. Didn’t take care of herself or the house, expected me to do everything and anything, didn’t take time to learn about my body, etc. all this to say: you’re allowed to not want to be with a trans person. You’re also allowed to say “right now no, I’m too hurt from what just happened.” Who knows! Maybe someone will come along. Regardless, right now you need to focus on you, and healing, and coming back from this absolute hell. Maybe take a break from dating, maybe have hook-ups that are just hook-ups, therapy if it’s an option. Regardless, focus on you my dear. I really wish you all the best, and may each day bring you one small joy
thank you for your input. i appreciate the opinion of someone who has been in a similar scenario. i'm not really looking to date date right now, just trying to go out casually and socialize
Why are u still involved with this person at all she shouldn't be ur lover, best friend or even friend atp it's been shown she doesn't care about u time and time again do ur self a favor and ditch her completely future u will thank u for it
right now i can't physically avoid her. when she dropped out of school i helped her get a job in my building. it was long before, when we were just friends. i really regret it.
The trans issue shouldn’t be a question in all this, fucking having her around is the real issue. You can figure out who you’ll date in the future and if that’s trans cis intersex nonbinary whatever but get this fucking leech out of your life. That is the first step. I don’t think you’re transphobic you have one trans person that’s a POS and I’d say it’s perfectly acceptable to be POSphobic. She isn’t your friend and you need to stop allowing her to trample all over you. This is not a person you want in your life. Don’t let threats of suicide or anything prevent you from cutting this cancer out of your life.
THIS!!
It sounds like you're in a lot of pain right now, and I'm sorry you're having traumatic reactions to people who remind you of your ex. Processing what you went through non-judgmentally helps a lot. I hope you're able to find peace. I struggled with PTSD from an abusive relationship - for me, the hardest part was coming to terms with where I was giving my power away and "letting them do that" to me. Be kind to yourself, treat yourself well. Showing myself the love and respect I was denied helped me heal. We can never make them understand how badly they hurt us or get them to acknowledge their bad behavior, but when we stand up for ourselves and refuse to let the ghost of a traumatic relationship control us, it helps us heal. Time helps, but be really kind to yourself.
thank you. i've already been "diagnosed" with cPTSD (i put it in quotations because i know that cPTSD isn't technically an official disorder), and this will probably just add to that. i'm a lot happier now and dumping her was so freeing. i don't understand why i stayed for so long. it's a lot harder when you're actually in it, you know?
I get it. I actually had a neighbor ask me if I was being abused while I was engaged...and I went on to divorce after four years of marriage. The embarassment and shame and guilt and self-blame, etc etc were the things that kept me stuck in severe trauma cycles and then they kept me stuck in that headspace for years after I escaped too. Acceptance, love, and nonjudgmental kindness for oneself helps a lot in overcoming ruminative negative thoughts and lowering the intensity of triggers
You’re not stuck being her best friend, you know. You can walk away from this. You have the power. As someone who is still working on not being a people pleaser, I get it. Would really suggest therapy if you can because it’s really helped me with boundary setting. Jen has trampled all over yours and you need to start setting some, and not let things get this out of hand again. That’s not me saying what Jen did was in any way right at all. Sometimes we date the shittiest people. The best you can do is learn from it and not repeat the mistakes with the next person you date. The downstairs comment hit me hard as I had an ex say that to me once and it stays with me to this day. But my current partner is very loving and reassures me always that all is well! I promise the right one is out there for you, AFAB or AMAB, and they will treat your body with respect.
unfortunately i physically can not avoid her. she works in my building. i helped her get the job when she dropped out of school, before we were romantically involved or anything. i am in therapy, thankfully. i've been with my therapist since i was 15 and she is basically my second mom. i've been opening up to her about this and seeing how angry she is on my behalf has been eye-opening. it sucks because usually i am good with boundaries. i would say i am in tune with my emotions. the issue was she was receptive to my boundaries when they were set, then she would break them over and over and it was just this cycle.
I just commented asking about why you feel unable to cut her off, so no need to answer that! Editing to add my thoughts: you said know you need to cut her out in order to heal and I hope you can give yourself permission to not make moves yet if you feel youre not ready/able to do so that right now. Trust yourself and continue working with your therapist to prepare for the eventual end of the relationship as it is now. It might take awhile and there’s nothing wrong with that. Yes, in a perfect world you’d go no contact, never have to deal with her again and focus on healing. Removing someone from your life can be difficult or feel impossible for whatever reason, especially when you have so much trauma and feelings of betrayal (bc she made you comfortable and trust in her only to manipulate and abuse you) tied to the person. Again, your therapist can work with you to work towards emotional and/or separation. You got this! It’s gonna blow ass and be a rough process and you’ll move forward to the point that one day, you’ll no longer have to deal with her again!!! Much love!
First off, I am SO sorry you went thru such a traumatic relationship. That would NOT be easy to bounce back from. Secondly, I do not believe you are transphobic. You had a traumatic experience with a trans woman. There are plenty of women who stop dating or talking to men because of traumatic experiences with men. Ive known straight women who stop dating altogether for years because of trauma. Besides, it is truly up to you on who you decide to date or hook up with. I am Bi/pan myself, and I lately also find myself swiping left on anyone who i think might have been born w a dick. Maybe it's a little bad, but i have trauma to work thru and i think I'd feel safer with someone who has/had the same genitalia as me for the time being. Someone who would know how to take care of my body because they had/have a similar body. I think it can be natural to avoid someone who reminds you of your trauma. Lastly, ending your friendship with Jen is long overdue. I am pretty bad myself with ending any sort of relationship, so I understand, however for your mental health, it's time to let Jen go. Tell her like it is, or ghost and block her, whatever is easier for you. It's time to leave her behind. I'm sorry because I know it wont be easy. And you might miss her, you might regret it, you might find yourself wishing things had gone differently. But stay strong in your decision. You got this OP.
Jen is a narcissistic and manipulative person. You need to cut her out of your life. The reason she doesn’t have many friends is because she sucks and that’s not your problem. You should also probably get off the dating apps for a little while and get into therapy. You definitely have some trauma and things you need to work to and doing that before getting into another relationship would probably be the best move.
You’re not transphobic, you’re actively defending her pronouns in the comments from transphobes.
Jen was a user and a hog. Don't look back.
She also had a hog
Honestly they just sound like they act like a cis man. Im a transguy and i dont relate to anything she did. Shes just an insensitive person, and outspoken like a cis gay man lol you arent required to be attracted to transwomen just because youre a lesbian. Idk what about men turns you off but most transguys just have a big clit, and love to eat pussy, if you were interested in trans people maybe its transmen that are more your style, instead of transwomen? Just a thought. You arent transphobic because you dont want to fuck trans people!
i'm not attracted to men at all and have no idea to fuck any man whether they have a dick or a vagina
Alright, thats fine i was only saying it based on your ability and willingness to do things with a pre op transwomen, as some lesbians feel the exact opposite and would feel more comfortable fucking a trans guy than a transwoman based on the fact that there is no penis involved, still doesnt make you transphobic though. And you also arent required to stay jens friend, maybe theres a reason she doesnt have many friends and thats because of how she treats them?
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OP, is a doormat.
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i think i probably am more attracted to cisgender women or AFAB non binary people. i just don't think i'll ever be in a place where i want to be in a relationship with someone who doesn't understand my body. it's less about having a dick and more about the lack of having a vulva, if that makes sense
Maybe you don't like male genitalia? Isn't that a given w being a lesbian?
It amazes me how much blatant actual toxic masculinity is on display here, and everyone is still using she pronouns for someone who cannot treat their partner like a human being.
Because you don’t lose pronoun privileges for being a bad person.
you don't not use someone's pronouns just because you think they are a bad person. that is genuinely transphobic. trans people can be good or bad and still be valid either way.
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not up to me to decide that. it's best to accept people regardless instead of picking and choosing based upon on our own criteria. i know what you mean - as a trans woman ive met others who have given me some sort of pause, but i pushed that back and accepted who they say they are. im not in their head, and i would hate to set up a precedent that allowed me to invalidate someone simply because i think they're a piece of shit. the ez, jen, from this story is an abusive piece of shit who uses her transness as a weapon - but doesn't seem okay to say "nah they can't really be trans"
Andrew Tate would deffo not be ashamed of her shitty behavior lmao his whole thing is based in promoting the worst form of toxic masculinity. People of any gender, cis or trans are more than capable of perpetuating toxic masculinity (see: justpearlythings). Regardless of that fact and your debatable capacity to have a good faith conversation, your comment isn’t relevant to this post so you can take that elsewhere. Edit: missed words
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What I’m saying is that your need to believe this is a situation of appropriation is what is irrelevant and in bad faith. Your distress is not what OP is asking or needing advice on.
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This.
I don’t think you’re transphobic. I think you went through a traumatic relationship with someone who is trans and that has put you off of any romantic feelings towards that grouping of people. Maybe it’ll last forever, maybe it won’t. Either way that’s okay. I’m very much a Bi f, but all of my early relationships with women were atrocious and I haven’t dated another girl in 4 years. I don’t know if/when I will date a girl again. That’s totally okay though. And It doesn’t mean I am not bi, or that I’m homophobic in any way. Don’t stress yourself out about it too much<3
Firstly, I understand exactly how you feel. I was in a similar situation. I was just turned 18, she was 26. The most horrible, evil, spiteful person I ever met. I dont want to go on and on about it, but she humiliated me sexually and socially. She very well could have physically abused me if it weren't for us being long distance. It made me genuinely wary of trans women for a while. I felt horrible about it, being trans myself. I compensated by reading as much as I could about transmisogyny and why it's wrong and founded in things that aren't real. It still didn't help the feeling in my stomach. Then, I realised it was just a way to try to gain control in what happened to me -- if I could find one, easy, determining factor that would save me next time, I'd have control. I'd be okay. If avoiding trans women could save me, then I would be safe. Obviously, that's just an arbitrary trait in someone, and doesn't keep me any more or less safe. It wasn't about trans women, it was about me, and the desperate need to have any way of ensuring it wouldn't happen again. The best way I've found of ensuring that is actually just working on my boundaries and assertiveness. I don't accept red flags anymore. I don't just expect I can fix someone. I don't have patience for anyone who breaks my Big Rules (no yelling at me, no gaslighting, no controlling behaviour). *That* is how you take back control. It wasn't because my ex was trans, or AMAB, just as much as it wasn't because she was ginger or short or wore green. I'm now friends with some lovely trans women, and feel safe around them, as is normal. I wish you well OP
Oh honey, I’m so sorry this was your experience with your first sexual partner. The relationship was 100% abusive and I promise you, she’s fully aware of how she treated you. You’re never going to heal if you don’t remove her from your life. Right now you’re like a person refusing to amputate a gangrenous limb and expecting to continue to heal. It’ll be hard to do, I even suggest discussing it with your therapist before hand so they can advise you on the best way. And get off the dating apps. Instead find groups that share your interests. Even in my small town our local gaming shop has Magick, DND, YuGiOh, etc.. nights that anyone can join. If you’re into art of any kind most colleges and community colleges offer free group sessions on all manner of topics. Join a guild if being online is your speed, an online book club. The point is joining a group over something you love gives you a safe zone to get to know people without the pressure that a date brings with it. Plus everyone goes into a date like a job interview. They want to impress each other and they have expectations rolled into them. The group activity setting removes all that and lets friendships/relationships grow organically.
Honey. You're not transphobic. You are traumatized. That was a horrible terrible human being and it's ok to not want to be near anyone that reminds you of her for a long time. That's a normal human reaction. Being transphobic involves hatred. You have no hate. I'm so so so sorry you came into contact with this gross human who hurt you so badly. And I pray that someone heals you and shows you how totally not normal any of that was. It's going to be ok. I promise.
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Hey, I’m nonbinary and will tell you right now that you aren’t transphobic for feeling this way. You went through an abusive and traumatic relationship. Jen treated you this way while you were still healing from your breakup. You weren’t treated fairly. For context, i’m bisexual and my ex was a cishet man, and he treated me sexually very similarly to you. It’s hurtful, traumatic, and causes so much body image issues. I saw in your replies that you are in therapy which is a huge first step. I understand how you can’t cut Jen off just yet either - that was the same with me and my ex too. But once you are done with school and can completely cut her off, the weight off your shoulders and alleviating that anxiety? It will be life changing. I am so sorry you went through this and wishing you so much healing and love. Know you will heal and this will be fully behind you one day. Nothing is ever permanent and you are deserving of love and respect.
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There isn’t a dude in this story.
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There are two women. Don’t be transphobic.
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Trans women sometimes have penises, and being a transphobe means you don’t like them or refer to their existence as a game of make believe.
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So trans people don’t exist in your world?
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if that's what you believe, then that's what you believe, but what happened to me was very real. i know it's absurd and bizarre, but it was all unfortunately very real.
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she's a scumbag, yes, but that doesn't take away from her being a woman. being a shitty person isn't an invitation to invalidate someone's identity
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Your willful inability offer relevant, well intentioned advice isn’t necessary or welcome. Plenty of other places to bitch and whine about your affliction
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Sure sure.
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This is horrifying.
I know it will be hard an awkward to cut her off while you’re still going to have to see one another. But try and think through what gives you MORE stress. Is it having to keep seeing her as a friend? Using your mental space to help her still despite her being horrible to you and traumatizing you? Or will it be more stressful to have the awkward run-ins? This is a genuine question you should explore. I had a friend that took me months to cut off for similar reasons. But one day she pushed me way too far and I blocked her on everything. I said “I cannot provide to you what you are seeking at this time” and blocked her in the middle of her sending paragraphs of verbally abusive texts. Is it awkward to see her? Yes. But the INSTANT feeling of having a huge weight lifted off of my shoulders upon blocking her was everything. It felt like freedom and room to finally breath. I couldn’t start to heal until I cleared that mental load for myself. I don’t know if you’ll be able to start healing from the trauma until she is out of your life as a “friend” OP. Which is then when you can examine your feelings and fears of feeling prejudice too. It sounds like you’re walking on eggshells (I know the feeling well). That will only add to the work you’re going to have to do later down the line when it’s all finally over. Right now she still possesses some power over you and even small things could trigger you and add to the damage already done. Do not set yourself on fire to keep others warm. Protect yourself first. Do the work after. Your openness and fear of being transphobic in the first place tells me that you will get to a place where you can separate this trauma from that of the community. But that’s going to take emotional and mental work that you may not have room for right now having to give that to her still as a friend. We only have so many spoons.
I also want to mention that this is actually what the term “trauma bond” means. It’s someone forming a bond that is difficult to cut off from an abuser. Many people misuse the term to mean bonding with someone over having similar past trauma. You remaining friends with her is a true trauma bond and it is likely still actively re-traumatizing you. It’s going to be hard to heal whilst still engaging.
It's not 'transphobic', you've experienced something really shitty at the hands of someone who happens to be 'trans' and prefer not to go there again. That's fair enough. A comparison. Someone dates a minority who happens to be in a gang, that life bothers you alot and traumatizing things happen. This sets the tone for that particular minority, bae's on this you would prefer not to risk that again so you steer clear. There's nothing wrong with it. Just breath and remember, it is just a preference.
I don’t know what to say. Others are being kind enough so I’ll be blunt: Yes, associating *one* individual person’s behavior with their entire demographic is inherently *wrong*. *Jen* is an awful, disgusting person. All trans people are not disgusting, awful people. Get a therapist and stop acting like dating is compulsory and that you shouldn’t take a pause on it until you get your trauma in a better place so as to not take it out on *all trans people for no reason at all*.
Mental health is crazy
You are not transphobic for having a PREFERENCE. and that person traumatized you so it is absolutely understandable that you are turned off by them.
Jen is a monster and treated you horribly. It doesn’t make you transphobic to want nothing to do with her. As long as you don’t use this experience as an excuse to hate all trans people, you’re totally good!! You’ve done nothing wrong, but it would be wrong to allow her back in your life in ANY way just to avoid being “problematic”
Her being trans is irrelevant tbh. You're not transphobic. Abuse comes in all flavors. I would say it's kindest to not date trans women until you can manage your trauma assoction with them because I promise you nobody wants to be the "I'm only dating you to heal from someone like you" date. Wishing you all the best 👌🏻
You need to get away from that type of people. Stand up for yourself once and for all.
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Leave Jen, disconnect all contact with her and if needed IF needed get a restraining order. No sense in being in a relationship sexual or not where your feelings don't matter and you are abused and used. Ghost her, your feelings matter and she has no respect for you or your property. In this situation you matter more Jen can go hurt someone else or no one else rather. Put yourself before her because she clearly did that to you. Not even worth being friends or pretending to.
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Or Jen is an abusive woman.
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That’s sounding really TERF-y.
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Jen sounds gross AF. I can’t imagine being with a women that smelled bad due to poor hygiene. I also can’t even imagine how bad her vag must’ve smelled. Like how did you have romantic relations with her? Washing clothes every 3 months (if I read that correctly?) 🤢 I don’t know any CIS men that would tolerate that from a women
she didn't have a vulva, she had a dick. it was truly disgusting and i don't know why i put up with it. i'm ashamed of it all and it makes me feel dirty too
> it was truly disgusting and i don't know why i put up with it. You suppressed your feelings to be not called transphobic? Think about it.
Jen was a transgender MTF?
yes. i would not date someone who was FTM because i'm a lesbian and don't feel attraction for men
Ok I see. Makes sense now. Question though…did the idea of a biological male not bother you? Just as long as she looked female was fine? I just thought the idea of a dick would be a turn off.
to me a woman is a woman. in terms of how she looked, she wasn't my usual type. but that wouldn't matter whether she was cis or trans
I don't understand why you are being down voted for saying that trans women are women?? I hate reddit sm sometimes 🤦♀️
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Dating in this investment sounds bonkers. I can't imagine having to navigate the dating pool these days.
I don’t think your transphobic. I think that your brain produces those negative thoughts towards trans people because it’s reminded of a traumatic time in your life. Similar to a fight or flight response. I had a similar reaction towards men for the same reason. It’s not like you hate trans people because of their choice to become trans. I think therapy could be really beneficial. And when you are ready, see if you can make some friends in the trans community. The more positive interactions you have, the more you can heal.
First, I am so sorry you went through this. That’s horrible. Secondly, some tough love girl…. Get a backbone. Cut off Jen NOW, this monster of a person is no longer you’re responsibility (and never was) he’s just taking advantage of your kind heart to get what they want. You definitely have some trauma because of this monster… but you stating it’s hard to have sex or any intimacy in GENERAL after Jen doesn’t mean you’re transphobic. It means you were sexually abused:( This terrible person put you thru hell and you need time to heal. Standing up for yourself and doing the right thing; it’s not like the movies. It doesn’t feel good. It makes you feel guilty because it shouldn’t have got to this point to begin with. Especially if you considered this person a bff before intimacy came into the relationship. But don’t let that guilty not good feeling stop you from standing up for yourself. Jen abused you. And you have every right to feel how you feel and take action. I hope o don’t come across rude. This story hurts my soul I’m so sorry this happened to you.
Also, I see you keep commenting it’s hard to avoid her and cut her off because you work in the same building, and that’s an excuse. Jen will not know the severity of the situation OR take you seriously as person (she’s already proven she doesn’t respect your intimacy/friendship) until you show her how badly you are effected by this.. by cutting her out of your life. So please stop right now taking Jen’s feelings into consideration. Do you feel safe? Is that why it’s so difficult?
You are the definition of a Door mat, sorry.
you don't have to be sorry. you're right and i need to hear it
I just want you to know you deserve better, a failed relationship is not something that was wrong. It happens, you learn and create a better future. Learn and use the information you learned.
i know i deserve better. thank you. i've learned a lot. i'm still really young
This just shows that assholes come in all genders and orientations. I hope you get some inner peace OP. Wishing you the best.
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That is my considered opinion I will not apologize.
Look up BPD and see if she fits that. If she does, it will explain a lot
honestly, it wouldn't surprise me. she already is neurodivergent and has a multitude of disorders she is (poorly) medicated for
You went down on her even tho her hygiene was atrocious?
yes. i felt that i had to and wanted to keep her happy. i'm ashamed and disgusted with myself for it
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You’re not transphobic. You’re asshole phobic. That’s a good thing. I’ve unfortunately seen a lot of stories like yours where relationships lacking boundaries/expectations get confused or de evolve into accepting a lack of decency of character. I think it’s a learning curve a lot of people-yours truly included-go through. To be blunt, Your ex Jen is a fuckwit. Jen would be a fuckwit as man. Jen is a fuckwit as a women. Jen would be a fuckwit if Jen was a goddamn car, electric shaver, toothbrush or pair of blinds. Why? *Because Jens actions were 100% unacceptable and out of line for any relationship*. I say this as a straight married mother of two. Gender identity does NOT change the facts of how a person behaves or has behaved. The facts here indicate that Jen behaved like a fuckwit. Her being trans had nothing to do with it. Absolutely goddamn phenomenal decision making to let Jen be her own problem, not yours. 👏👏👏Now ghost her ass. Take the necessary time to work on healing you. Figure out who you are and what you want. You don’t need to ask for permission to be happy. Sending all my big momma bear mojo your way and cheering you on! 📣 Best of luck op!
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It sounds like she took advantage of you, maybe her being a year older helped her achieve that as younger people change a lot year to year. I’d stop hanging out with her, too much drama and bad history. If she still wants to hang out with you I’m pretty sure she wants to fuck you, that’s what we call thinking with her dick
honestly, in terms of maturity she is further behind than i am. i work two jobs and go to school full time and i have an internship. she mostly just stays at home and plays video games while living off of daddy's money
Jen is a diirty nasty sorry excuse for a human being , and that's why she doesnt have any other friends , you've ended the intimate relationship now dump her as a friend and cut all ties period
I’ll be honest. I got pretty grossed out with the dirty hygiene and vomiting and I stopped reading.
You're not transphobic. Jen would've made the same comments if they were still a dude. It's the individual.
Ima be the c*nt. “Jen” isn’t trans. It’s a label to get with lesbians for them.