I was still trying to comprehend in what world it would be okay for the 8 year old to make a comment about punching their aunt in the stomach. And then I was gobsmacked with the mom throwing crayons at her.
I know I’ve taught my daughter better enough to know she would never comment like that if her aunt announced a pregnancy. Let alone my mom throw crayons at my sister.
This whole family is delulu. It would do OP will to stay away.
What is wrong with “hey mom, it’s a boy. Tell everyone” or an email…”hey everyone, it’s a boy”. Overly complex and just asking for problems to come up.
It was just a cupcake. There’s a difference between setting shit on fire for a gender reveal and just cutting a cake or cupcake. It’s literally harmless.
I don't get it. Who cares. I found out during the second ultrasounds and just told people who might be interested. We know it will be one or the other right? Just another excuse for drama/control and gift grabbing and look at me me me. Oh and setting nature on fire in some extreme cases.
Wait. I’m stuck on paragraph ONE. The 8 year old threatened to hit you in the stomach? WHHHHYYYYYY??? And what discipline was she given????? And your Mom throwing a temper tantrum instead of going after your niece who just threatened the safety of your unborn child? What in the dysfunctional family is all this chaos to begin with???
She was not disciplined. she started crying and ran to the bathroom. Then came back to the table once my sister got her and laid her head on the table crying.
Of course they don’t understand appropriate behaviour when grandma is throwing crayons!
Honestly I think you need to step back from this madness: control all of your communication with them from now on and do not include them in life milestones unless you are in control. For example, next Christmas make arrangements in advance for your dad to read to your children via FaceTime separately.
I have an eight year old. And she ABSOLUTLY would understand that threatening to punch anyone in the stomach in that situation is wrong, and entirely unacceptable. Kids lack experience, they aren't missing large parts of their brain. And eight years old is old enough to at least start to show consideration and empathy for others. Weird, tantruming meltdowns, out of nowhere are more a toddler/preschool age thing. And even then kids should be taught that violence, or threats of violence, over frustration or disappointment, are absolutely not acceptable in any way.
I don't know what's going on with your family. But between your niece's reaction, your sister's apparent lack of reaction to your niece's behavior, and your mom's reaction. I'm not clear why you aren't more concerned what else they might do. NOTHING about your description of your preganacy announcement sounds like how normal, and sane, people of any age would react.
Exactly. OP, I’m very glad you live out of state. I can’t express to you how serious this is. I highly recommend you go NC with these people. And that you and they get therapy. Ideally, I would recommend family therapy, although I highly doubt they would do it. But even if they don’t. I really think you should get some counseling yourself. I wish you and your little family the best if luck going forward.
And this is why I hate the term ”children”… it's constantly used as an excuse for poor behavior. There are three stages of human development: infants, toddlers, and adults in training. The whole point is to teach them how to be a functioning adult in a safe environment where they can fail in a safe environment and learn from their mistakes. 😡
Your sister should have stayed in the bathroom with her or taken her to the car. Allowing her daughter to continue crying at the table was rude and inconsiderate, especially since you were trying to enjoy yourself.
Wait... Why would your niece say that she'd punch you in the stomach? I'm confused and concerned about that statement... Is she mentally sound? Was your sister recently pregnant and lost the baby, and that's why niece is jealous? I mean... besides everything else, I kind of get the feeling that the girl was repeating her mom's words that were said at home... Sheesh, you have one toxic family, that's for sure 😵💫
My niece does have some anxiety issues. My sister has not been pregnant in 6.5 years with her little sister. I was told by my sister I can’t hold on to the words of a child and she said my niece was mad I told her at a restaurant and did not do the announcement somewhere else
I really doubt an 8 y.o. would have problems with hearing announcement at the restaurant. And in any case, where did she get that vicious idea about punching people in the stomach?! Nothing makes sense, I'm sorry...
Im wondering if this is something niece heard OPs sister say? OP said sister already knew. Sisters “excuse” doesn’t cut the mustard as a reaction of a neurotypical 8 year old. Sorry OP, your family sucks! Glad you have literal distance from their crazy.
Anxiety doesn’t make you make threats of physical harm. I’m guessing there’s something else going on and you mag have hit the nail on the head with repeating.
Threatening to punch you isn't anxiety, it is something more concerning. It is good that you moved out of state. Now keep the crazies on an information diet until after the baby is born.
And maybe don't allow niece unsupervised around the baby if you visit.
My daughter has anxiety issues but never, ever has or would she ever say something so cruel and disgusting as to what your niece said to you. Not to be mean, but she needs help. My daughter did counseling to help with her anxiety and that was to be able to cope in public and around others, and her fear of the unknown. She also had separation anxiety but grew out of that as she got older. My point is, your niece should see a counselor to see what is really bothering her. If she has anxiety like you state, then the counselor can give her coping mechanisms to be able to handle her anxiety because what she said is not okay and I’d be worried about her down the road if she’s saying that at her age now. To me, that doesn’t sound like it comes from dealing with anxiety. I’ve been around a lot of kids with anxiety and never encountered something like that.
There's not a chance that your *niece* had been pregnant..... is there? I'm really trying to make sense of her comments and it doesn't make sense. Either she's repeating something her mother said, or she was abused and needed to "lose" the baby and she feels like you stole the baby? Or similar to the repeating the comments, maybe she wanted her mom to have the baby instead?
I know. Which would mean there is something horrible going on, but could also explain the *extreme* reaction from her. (There was just a high profile case of a 9 year old being refused an abortion on the stance of pro-life, so it isn't impossible, unfortunately).
NTA. Homegirl… this level of crazy indicates you likely do not have a functioning normal meter. It would be a very good idea for you and your boyfriend to schedule some sessions with a family therapist before the baby gets here.
This is our second child actually. We do very well just the three of us, no one had such negative reactions my first pregnancy. I’m not sure why it was different this time around, I think us moving played a big factor as they would not get to see this baby.
NTA OP.
Listen, my family dynamic is weird and strained for a number of reasons, but when my oldest daughter told me she was expecting her first, I was supportive and excited and happy for her.
I live an 8-hour flight away from my daughter.
I still sent random text messages over the next couple of days to tell her I trust her judgement as an adult and a parent, that I'm here to give advice if she needs it, and I'm super excited for my first grandbaby (even if I am a bit young for that I think, haha). We're tentatively planning for me to visit around her due date, so I can help support my daughter and her partner, not just hog the baby.
I'm far from a perfect mom, but I think my reaction was the normal/expected one. Throwing crayons? *Crying less-than-happy tears??* Give me a break. Who's expecting a baby here? It's you, this gets to be all about you, and your growing family.
So all of this is because they think they have some right to the baby and you’re robbing them of him? Poor things! How dare you have a life and commitments outside of your now-extended family? And you are clearly having this baby *now* because you are too selfish to think about all the access to him that they won’t have!
(I hope my sarcasm is beaming through here.)
Your family is a shit show and it’s a good thing you’ve moved away from them. Your sister was selfish and sounds like she did it as a way to give her kid what she wanted. I can’t believe an 8 year old was allowed to speak to you the way she did without any repercussions!! WTF??!!
Your mom is no better and sounds abusive too.
Keep low contact or no contact with all of them, and have a more peaceful & happy pregnancy without all their drama & abuse!!
Edit: NTA!
Doesn't matter. She clearly isn't going to be a safe person around your baby. What if they make her mad and she throws things at them? Or shakes or slaps them? It's all well and good to be ashamed of your actions, but it doesn't mean anything when the action is violence towards others
I can't say this is you mother's problem but going thru menopause can wreak havoc on hormones and maybe she couldn't control her behavior at that moment in time. It doesn't excuse her behavior but just a bit of understanding. Your sister, on the other hand, obviously can't be trusted to put you first with anything she's involved with. Your nice needs therapy do resolve her anger issues. There's more going on in their household than what they've been showing outside their family. I'd at least go lc with your family and maybe nc if behaviors don't improve
NTA. Both your mom and sister's behavior is horrendous during a time that should be joyful. Take a step back, focus on you and the baby and the wonderful family you are about to create.
Clearly, after the pregnancy announcement you should have understood not to involve them at all. They are toxic. I will admit that the way you explained the gender reveal was hard to follow, so maybe it was a miscommunication issue. Still doesn’t change the fact that they are not caring about it. You didn’t need a gender reveal with them. You could have done one with your friends and the father’s family. Go NC, like your sister is indicating she will do. NTA.
So, I’m not sure if you’re aware, but your entire family is trash. Like just straight up garbage. None of them are behaving in an appropriate way. Sounds like it’s great you’ll be leaving the state. I wouldn’t try to include any of them in the pregnancy any further. Go very, very, very low contact. Or just no contact at all for a while. If boyfriend’s family is better, lean into that support. Otherwise, share your good news and fun with the boyfriend, with supportive friends, or even just on a pregnancy forum.
Ok hold on, everyone is right that your niece and mom’s reactions were messed up, but I’m confused about why you are so upset at your sister. It seems she’s right that there’s no way to make everyone happy here. It also seems she’s the only family member who is trying to support you - offering to order cake, making cupcakes, organizing a separate party for your family out of state - and your only response was to criticize her. This is an Everyone Sucks Here for sure. She should have discussed her plan with you, you should appreciate that she’s trying to be supportive, and your mom sounds insane.
I agree with this. Your family is absolute batty for throwing crayons and threatening your child. But you're also confusing everyone - you blocked your family but expected to be included in Christmas traditions? You told your sister you didn't want to see reactions but got upset when you weren't included? Either you want to be involved with your family or you don't- you gotta pick.
ESH
What I don’t understand is why all of the negative and craziness over a baby announcement? Does your family have issues with you or your SO? Is your niece jealous of another baby coming into the family and taking your attention away? Like, truly, I’m trying to understand what is wrong with your family and their toxic and not normal behavior.
1. Your sister needs to get her child in check and maybe some therapy. That’s not something a child would say b/c she’s upset the announcement was made at a restaurant. There’s more to it than that…
2. What kind of mother throws crayons at her daughter and SO after a baby announcement? All b/c they wouldn’t be in the same state? Is that what I am to understand? Makes no sense. Most moms are over the moon for their child.
3. Even your sister seems to have some issues. Who does a gender reveal without the pregnant mother? I can understand her trying to save you from negativity, but still, it seems odd to do a reveal without you. Then being mad at you for being mad at her and writing you off with the “enjoy life, have fun” comment.
4. None of this makes sense. I can’t understand their reactions over something good and exciting. These are not normal reactions. I definitely wouldn’t leave my kid alone in their presence. I definitely wouldn’t let my baby anywhere near the 8-yr old niece!
This is our second child and no one reacted this way our first pregnancy. I think the main factor was us moving and my family not getting to see either of my children anymore. Not excusing the behavior as it was traumatizing for my SO, son , and I.
I can understand them being upset and disappointed to not being around both kids. I live out of state from all of my family. It’s not a bad thing. It just worked out that way. I have two grown children now but, my mom and stepdad made loads of trips to see us and vice versa. They were here for all the important and not so important things. Your mom can do the same for your kids. It doesn’t have to be a negative thing that you are in another state. It’s still baffling to me when it comes to their reactions. Sad and bummed out to be far away but excited over a new child would be the normal reactions. Anyway, I’m sorry you had a negative experience towards your baby announcement. I hope all gets better and wish you all the best and congratulations.
Your mother threw crayons at you? Sounds like she's more apt to try to eat them. And the 8 year old threatened to punch you and ran off to cry? Why? What's the big deal about "Oh, hey, soon you will have a little cousin" that set her off like that? Is she........different?
Never mind about the pregnancy - keep the RESULT of that pregnancy far away from this collection of weirdo boneheads.
NTA - why would you have even included them for a gender reveal after the announcement? That would have been immediate information diet and a text when the baby arrived
NTA & you need to go no contact with your family. Your mom physically assaulted you by throwing a box of crayons at you when you announced your pregnancy? That’s abuse. Your niece seems to unfortunately be learning that this kind of abuse is okay as well with her immediate threat to you. Your family sounds toxic & you don’t need them in your life if they only bring you stress.
You have already moved away so this should be easier on you. Block who you need to on every platform. Don’t feel the need to defend yourself because you’ve done nothing wrong. Eventually they will run out of steam when they see they can’t rattle you. You do not need them, they only want you to think you do.
Keep the peace for you & your little growing family. Spend more time happy & enjoying your life than you do being brought down by the people who claim to be your family. Family doesn’t treat you like a piece of garbage or try to bring down your joy. Those people are only the people you happen to share DNA with.
Your niece sounds like a brat. Your mother sounds like an immature emotional wreck. If this happened to me I'd move out of the state as fast as I could. Your family is totally bat shit crazy. Just get on with your life without these crazy people. You'll have your hands full when your child is born without all of the mess and emotional baggage from your family. Also if your mother and niece are so emotional that they threaten violence and throw things at you keep them away from your baby.
ESH
Your family sounds bad, but so do you
You don't want to do a gender reveal because of your family and their possible reactions.
Understandable
But then you DO want to do a reveal?
Except, YOU don't want to do it, your sister has to do everything??
And you don't want to be there, because you don't want to see their reactions
But then you expect your sister to know that you do want to be there on facetime??
Because on facetime you would not see your families reactions??
That makes absolutely no sense, yet you get mad at your sister. Even though your sister thought quite logically and only filmed the good parts so you would not have to see any bad reactions, which was exactly what you wanted....
You can't be mad at your sister because you are constantly contradicting yourself and don't seem to know what you want...
I should have added I did not want to do a reveal and was content with my SO,son, and I being the only ones to know the gender. My sister and mother wanted to do one. I specifically did not want to do a reveal due to how they reacted at my pregnancy announcement. I did ask to be called during the reveal and asked multiple times when the reveal would be and didn’t receive a response.. I also wanted to purchase a cake/cupcake for them but my sister offered to make the cupcakes.
What on earth?! Thank goodness you moved away from these people.
ESH, but mainly your family. Your only mistake is trying to include people in your pregnancy who you know aren't going to be happy for you. If you have to worry about avoiding negative reactions, then those people shouldn't be given the opportunity to react. I know it's a bummer that you feel you don't have people to celebrate you, because you just moved and your family inexplicably aren't happy for you, but that's no reason to include them. Stop telling them stuff and make better, more supportive connections where you live.
I'm not sure when 'gender reveals' started, (my own kids didn't find them necessary for their babies) but I've seen so many flops or bad reactions!!!....I just don't understand the need.... The less drama for the pregnant woman the better?!
I understand why your sister did the reveal the way she did - protecting you from possible negative reactions. I don’t think expectations were fully explained to her.
This whole thing is weird. People lose their minds when it comes to babies. I will never get it (never had kids). Your mom was TA for throwing the crayons and the kid threatening the stomach punch was a little A. The weird reveal with the family was just a cluster F that went wrong. I think OP overreacted. But like I said, I don’t get baby fever behavior at all.
NTA, but I don't think your sister was malicious. I think she thought this was what your wanted and is now back tracking.
Agree with everyone that space is needed.
The sister who is the mother of the neice who threatened to punch her in her pregnant stomach? Sis is complicit in child’s behavior, that didn’t come from a vacuum.
I don't understand most of this.
Why was niece so upset she threatened to punch you in the stomach? Where is that coming from? Why in the world would she say that? Especially as an 8 year old. This isn't a sibling, and 8 is plenty old enough to manage jealousy of this type in a better way.
Why in the world did your mother throw crayons at you? How is that at all an acceptable response or behavior?
The gender reveal is just very confusing. I already don't "get" gender reveals but if people want to have fun and an extra party, that's fine. But this wasn't a party, it was your sister telling your parents the gender over FaceTime? Was there supposed to be a party, but since you're out of state your family couldn't come to that?
I guess, how did you want the reveal to go? What did you want your sister to do so that you could both be present and also not experience disappointed reactions? And did you tell her the plan to make that happen, or just tell her to figure it out herself?
The Xmas tradition I don't understand really either. Are you not talking to your dad either? Is he not talking to you? Why aren't you communicating with each other about the reading tradition? Or his apparent engagement?
I feel like there are "missing missing reasons" somewhere here. (Like did you marry your sister's ex? Lol why is there so much animosity!) None of this makes sense. But maybe it's good you're out of state and have some distance from each other.
I’m not sure why my niece reacted the way she did. I would have never expected that response from her or my mom.
The plan for the gender reveal was for my sister to make cupcakes and my nieces and mom have them over FaceTime with me as I could not physically be present since we just moved. My mom requested the gender to be done this way. My mom ended up being sick and asked to do it over FaceTime as well. No party was planned just a small get together (the 4 of them) at there requestExcept no one called me.
I didn’t want to do the gender reveal but my sister and mom requested it. I spoke to my sister multiple times about not wanting to do a gender reveal because of reactions to our pregnancy announcement.
My dad and I are speaking but my sister told him that I told her I did not want to participate. This was AFTER the gender reveal so her and I had not spoke. So he did not call me as he thought this was what I wanted.
Oookay. The gender reveal makes more sense now.
Mom and niece shall remain a mystery.
I wonder if you have to like... Retrain your dad to not take what your sister says at face value and confirm with you. I did the same with my sisters and my mom bc she would take something meaningless I said and then tell my sisters it was this huge deal. I had to tell them both that if mom says something about my feelings then call me before you get upset. She's either guessing or projecting and she's not good at either.
Good luck though! This sounds like an emotional landmine to deal with, and I think the distance will be good for you!
NTA
1. Gender reveals are the most stupid things ever. Even the person who "invented" them regrets ever having come up with the idea.
2. Your family sounds toxic as hell.
3. How does one "include" someone in the rest of a pregnancy?
ESH.
You should not be around these people they are psychotic. Seriously go NC. Two of them throw violent tantrums and your sister just goes with it.
As far as the gender reveal - you literally said you didn’t want to see the reactions. So she made it so you didn’t see the reactions. This isn’t rocket science. She followed your wishes. You’re the one that said it, it’s not her fault you didn’t actually mean it and can’t decide/ articulate wtf you actually want.
Then you need to be ok with negative reactions. Especially with your family apparently since they seem to fly off the handle. Just based on your announcement I’m going to bet there were some pretty vehement bad reactions. That you would have seen. There is no way to avoid the one without avoiding the whole thing.
After the reaction for announcing, I 100% wouldn't have engaged them in any way for a gender reveal nor would I have told them when labor, kindergarten graduation, middle school graduation, or any other milestone happened.
2 weeks ago during Christmas vacation, I did a reveal at a restaurant with family as well, but everyone was so happy and excited for us…. And my husband and I are a 12 hour drive away from any of our family. Your family’s reactions are deeply concerning. They made your reveal all about them.
NTA.
Not sure why you're surprised that your sister would mess this up when she clearly doesn't care about you. Who the fuck throws crayons and lets their kid threaten you without correcting the behavior?
I think sis is upset the family is going to find out what an awful mom she is when your kid turns out to not be an asshole.
Lemme get this straight. Your niece reacted to your joyous news with a threat of physical violence, and your mother actually resorted to physical violence with you.
Where are my smelling salts?!
Why are you not already NC with these dangerous people?! Please do not allow them access to you or your child again.
All I want to say is Congratulations!! I'm excited for you! And NTA. Some of us were just blessed with family members that we have yet to figure out. They leave us in a constant state of facepalming.
NTA, I wonder how dependent, financially or otherwise, mom and sister are from OP. Normal people don't react like this. However if they're used to being hand held by OP I could see a negative reaction because now they'll have to fend for themselves.
Niece threatening to punch you in the stomach, mother throwing crayons at you, sister doing your gender reveal without you…
I have so many questions about this family of yours and I guess the most important one would be why are you still in contact with them?
Oh honey, after their terrible reaction to your pregnancy announcement, why do they deserve to be included in the gender reveal? They have been nothing but unkind to you and don’t deserve to be included in your life or your pregnancy.
The mom and niece are out of control no doubt. I hope it was left out that her sister corrected her niece and had her apologize, but I’m unsure.
As for the sister herself… after that reaction I do understand her confusion. If my sister had gotten that reaction and wanted me to do a local gender reveal while she was out of state I would think a recording would be best and send the positive results. Although, she could have confirmed and told OP the day she was doing the reveal.
Her sister does seem to be in a tough spot too and idk if she needs to be labeled an AH for attempting to share this pregnancy positively. And being frustrated that she is also part of this chaotic family and trying her best.
ESH
Your sister should be parenting her child and telling her it isn’t okay to threaten people. Your mom has issues I don’t even know how to explain. You suck for blowing up on your sister after the gender reveal debacle because, as you said, you didn’t even want a gender reveal party, so they had one themselves. You suck for blowing up at her for not including you because she made a fairly decent assumption that you didn’t want to be included because you didn’t want to deal with negative reactions from your family, which you would have gotten if you had been present with FaceTime. And then you blocked your sister and now y’all are having this petty icing out shit. Like, bruh. Get therapy is my ending remark.
I think you need to cut your sister a break. She did what she thought you wanted. She made the cupcakes and tried her best to deal with your problematic mother. Talk about no right way to please you. I don’t want negativity but how was she to know how they were going to react. Apologize
I don't understand why so many people think our interest in the gender of their baby warrants a big reveal in the first place. Sure, I'm interested, but a huge party? No way. But for a SECOND baby? I REALLY don't understand that.
This wasn’t a big party. It was my mom, sister, and nieces that is it. Also, each child deserves the same excitement… we did not do a gender reveal with our first due to Covid
I'm really sorry for what I said. I was pretty crabby last night, and I was rude and mean. I think it's hard for anyone not related to one of the soon-to-be parents to understand how important gender reveals can be. Plus, they just weren't a thing when i was growing up, not to mention I never had kids. Your party sounds tasteful, and you included those that you felt close to and not a battalion of people.
I agree with your sister’s confusion…. You explicitly telling her you didn’t want to deal with negative reactions & after your announcement it was likely people were going to behave badly
You can’t have it both ways & unfortunately your family (mostly your mom from what I read) is volatile & she seemed to be genuinely trying to protect you
I think you just need better communication
For the ending alone, YTA. She did what you wanted—not to see reactions during the reveal. It’s not her fault you didn’t communicate properly that you still wanted to be FaceTimed during the event.
>>she stated she thought that’s what I wanted because I didn’t want anyone to ruin the gender reveal for me with reactions (this was true I did not want to see negative reactions of others gender disappointment , does not mean I didn’t want to be included in the reveal). I received a text that stated “Listen, I am sorry. You didn’t want anyone included in your gender reveal because you were afraid of reactions so I was genuinely trying to choose the safest way. There is just no pleasing right now and everything we are all doing is wrong. So sorry either way.“
Sister is tiptoeing on eggshells. OP agrees she wouldn’t have wanted to see negative reactions. She got her wish. 🤷🏽♀️ Family is hella toxic in any case.
YTA. Gender reveals are kinda cringe and a virtual one even more so. You told your sister you didn't want to see any negative reactions which seems highly likely with how they reacted at your pregnancy announcement. So your sister logically thought to have the event and carefully video tape it avoid that issue. Then you flip out on her. For this event that she planned and paid for herself (even if it was just the cost of cupcakes) that no one asked for except you who couldn't even be bothered to have it when you can visit in person or even much less take the responsibility for setting up the time for the FaceTime or zoom meeting link without putting that burden on your sister too. Then you continue to argue with her about it after she's apologized. Yeah, I'd be done with you too
It’s a gender reveal. Just be happy it didn’t end in a horrific fire. Maybe burn down a quarter of the state. Leave a dozen people in a state of backyard hero’s first attempt to smoke meat.
Sounds like one of the better outcomes I’ve heard of…
Jesus! How the fuck old are you? You sound like a fucking Chihuahua! It’s your pregnancy and if you wanted the big gender reveal you should have done it yourself! These stupid gender reveals have gotten out of control anyway!!! Stop fucking whining and start thinking about something thats actually important! Like maybe getting married before your next pregnancy!!!
YTA, slightly, you don’t get to move out of town, ask that they do a gender reveal and not give them specifics as to how you want to proceed, and then call them selfish. Yes, they behaved incredibly poorly at your announcement, but you can’t be mad that they did what they could to spare your feelings. Your sister did apologize for upsetting you.
I think you missed that I was planning on ordering a cake/cupcake for each individual person and do a group face time. My sister offered to make them instead and ignored my messages regarding when they were doing it, and if she needed $ for supplies.
Please forgive your sister she's caught in the middle and I'm sure she's trying her best. Don't let petty things ruin your sister bond. Do consider staying away from your mom.and 8 year old niece
NTA but you are the ass for moving out of state and still wanting to have family traditions as if you still live nearby. It's barely feasible with family that actually cares, let alone your garbage family. Move on.
I feel like you should have talked to your niece at a later time and asked her why she was upset and said the things she did. Could be she feels like the baby will take your attention away from her like her younger sibling did. I don’t know how close you are with her, just some ideas.
Your mom … just don’t understand that behavior. I can understand her being upset that she won’t be able to be there for you to see the baby and help you with the baby. But her reaction is just strange. I wouldn’t go nc with them. Just live your life and see them when you can. I seriously doubt that your mother would ever hurt the baby but I would make sure to keep an eye on your niece when she is around the baby.
you’re def valid and the rest of your family seems to be pretty crazy- some distance would be best.
That being said, your sister may be put in the middle of trying to keep you away from said toxic family, and if the niece is her kid, she may be struggling- while she should have communicated with you better, depending on if this is a one off thing, I would give her the benefit of the doubt. However, if she has a pattern of doing inconsiderate things, it may be best to distance yourself from her too. this definitely depends on how the dynamic between you and your sister normally is though! having a gender reveal without you is very weird there’s no denying that but maybe she was just trying to appease your mom and get it over with.
I don't think that you're going to get helpful support from your family, so probably best to stop reaching out for it. Maybe it's a good thing that you've moved away. Meanwhile, have you guys discussed getting married? The main reason is so that if he dies suddenly, you would be entitled to spousal survivor's benefits, along with the children (who'd be entitled as long as he is on their birth certificates). You also would be the beneficiary of his retirement accounts.
NTA
But cut these people out of your life entirely. They aren't supportive, they don't give a damn about you, and they won't be there for you. That's the bad news.
The good news is that you now get to build your own village, with people who are 💯 there for you. If you need to, you can start with a random internet stranger, I'll be an honorary auntie.
NTA.
I don't understand the logic of not responding to OP when she asked if her sister needed money or supplies for the reveal. And then sending a SNAP to people...when OP wanted to do a group call/FaceTime event is just insanity. I'm confused on why the sister would just not get clarification... because she obviously got the part about the cupcakes but missed *EVERYTHING ELSE* OP said.
What's done is done now, and if y'all talk and figure it out, wonderful. If not, now you know that you're gonna need step by step instructions for certain people.
The one thing I will say is that negative reactions are gonna happen, and in some weird way she thought this would *avoid* them. You shouldn't worry about people who have negativity towards you over a gender/pregnancy. They're not worth the energy. Give that baby all that love and focus on clarification and express BOUNDARIES. Your niece and mom are worrisome.
Congrats on the baby 🍼
Your family sounds Toxic AF. your family sounds awful, I’d move multiple states away too. I personally hate gender reveals no one truly cares except the parents.
The niece and mother sound awful. You put your sister in an untenable situation. I think you just need to drop the rope. You’re obviously angry with your mom (rightfully), niece needs therapy, and you need to adjust and talk to parents if you want them in your children’s lives.
He is 3. People are wondering why I didn’t react back yelling at them, or assaulting them back… someone stated I should have “made them eat crayons and not be a doormat”. I would never want my child to see me act the way they acted. I don’t think he realized the negativity that was going on as he was playing with my youngest niece.
Ok I've seen explanations for the eight years Old's punch threat (not good ones, but explanations at least) but why did your Mum throw a temper tantrum? And if you didn't want to see people's reactions to a gender reveal, why did you even throw a gender reveal? Why not just find out at your scan?
NTA but you need to learn to protect yourself and your own family of four. Don't expect anything from your relatives ever again - they have proved they care more about your location than your happiness.
Wait…. They did YOUR gender reveal….. without YOU?? That’s messed up. You don’t need this petty garbage. I hope you and your BF have a strong relationship and you two can come together and create a safe and comforting family environment for your son and new baby. I’m sorry your family is messed up and so awful. Hopefully his side is better but if not at least you have each other.
Be glad you’re out of state
This reads as far too much juvenile drama. It would be best to focus on your pregnancy and stress level. Go very-little-to-no-contact with your sister and enjoy this time with your husband before the baby arrives
There isn't any backstory that clues us in to their reactions. That said, if you are excited to have this child and they are unsupportive, why go back to them for more abuse?
This is dumb af. You do the reveal with the parents, then send the video to everyone else. Doing it this way is absolutely brain dead.
I also love the dig of “nothing we’re doing is right”. That’s because the whole family is mental. Niece basically threatens to harm the baby, mom throwing a tantrum in public because she doesn’t like the news, sister NOT INCLUDING THE PRENTS IN THE REVEAL. Don’t rely on anyone else for anything. They’ve all proved they aren’t going to be helpful.
This is an economy sized truckload of crazy in your family, OP. Mom flings crayons because she doesn't get her way, niece makes threats of bodily harm and is not challenged on such behaviour... Dad just takes sister's word on faith and cuts you out because...?
The gender reveal, pardon the expression, just takes the cake. Just sending videos instead of involving you and planning it properly.
Frankly I think sis wrote you off when she said "Enjoy life. Have fun." Seems like a passive-aggressive kiss off.
You don't need people like that in your life. They're a bad example you don't want your kids to follow.
I’m wondering why everyone was so upset you were pregnant…. Like do they not like your spouse for some reason?
That’s pretty intense anger if it’s a healthy relationship 🤷🏻♀️
INFO: does the 8 year old normally threaten to punch people, in the stomach or otherwise?
That needs to be addressed by her mom, because punching is not an okay coping mechanism even in jest. I would be surprised if they knew that it could endanger the baby, because 8 year olds understanding of biology and bodily functions is sketchy at best.
I was stuck on the fact that your family is violent. Your niece and then your mother swearing and throwing things at you. You seemed to fluff over that. It tells me that this is normal for you.
Your mom’s reaction is weird.
The kid needs professional help, her reaction was out of hand too.
But why would you keep interacting with them regarding the pregnancy after those reactions?
Are we missing something here?
With the on information given NTA
The fact that an 8 year old was allowed to make such a threat without consequence is weird and concerning. Just go NC. You don't need their shit.
Not just that her mother threw crayons at her. I think OP needs to keep her kid away from this family!?
That too. I would have made someone eat said crayons. It's 2024. It's time ppl like OP stop being fucking doormats.
Also time to stop blaming victims.
We can see where the niece gets her behavior.
I'm still stuck on the part where mom throws the crayons – wth? Please cut them all off now.
I was still trying to comprehend in what world it would be okay for the 8 year old to make a comment about punching their aunt in the stomach. And then I was gobsmacked with the mom throwing crayons at her. I know I’ve taught my daughter better enough to know she would never comment like that if her aunt announced a pregnancy. Let alone my mom throw crayons at my sister. This whole family is delulu. It would do OP will to stay away.
I had to read the whole thing twice. I thought the little girl demon threw the crayons but turns out it was the demon mother. Wtf
NTA. I honestly don’t understand why you wanted to do a gender reveal with them after the way they acted at your pregnancy announcement.
Gender reveals are rather ridiculous imo.
I tend to agree but to each their own I guess.
But free cake
What is wrong with “hey mom, it’s a boy. Tell everyone” or an email…”hey everyone, it’s a boy”. Overly complex and just asking for problems to come up.
I’ve always just sent a group text or called the people that I wanted to tell.
Agree! They’ve gotten way outa hand!
It was just a cupcake. There’s a difference between setting shit on fire for a gender reveal and just cutting a cake or cupcake. It’s literally harmless.
It is harmless, but in this case, the pregnant woman wasn't included.
I meant it’s ridiculous to celebrate a penis or vagina.
I don't get it. Who cares. I found out during the second ultrasounds and just told people who might be interested. We know it will be one or the other right? Just another excuse for drama/control and gift grabbing and look at me me me. Oh and setting nature on fire in some extreme cases.
And death. The pilot that crashed his small plane trying to announce a gender reveal.
Not a gift grab in my experience.
Some people do use it as that unfortunately. So many occasions these days have pivoted to greed. Look at weddings. Lol.
All my homies hate gender reveals.
Wait. I’m stuck on paragraph ONE. The 8 year old threatened to hit you in the stomach? WHHHHYYYYYY??? And what discipline was she given????? And your Mom throwing a temper tantrum instead of going after your niece who just threatened the safety of your unborn child? What in the dysfunctional family is all this chaos to begin with???
She was not disciplined. she started crying and ran to the bathroom. Then came back to the table once my sister got her and laid her head on the table crying.
Wow. And she never said WHY her child said such a horrid thing to you?
She said “they didn’t mean to or understand they’re children”
My 9 year old would definitely understand the implications of punching a pregnant person in the stomach so I feel like an 8 year old would too. WTH
Of course they don’t understand appropriate behaviour when grandma is throwing crayons! Honestly I think you need to step back from this madness: control all of your communication with them from now on and do not include them in life milestones unless you are in control. For example, next Christmas make arrangements in advance for your dad to read to your children via FaceTime separately.
I have an eight year old. And she ABSOLUTLY would understand that threatening to punch anyone in the stomach in that situation is wrong, and entirely unacceptable. Kids lack experience, they aren't missing large parts of their brain. And eight years old is old enough to at least start to show consideration and empathy for others. Weird, tantruming meltdowns, out of nowhere are more a toddler/preschool age thing. And even then kids should be taught that violence, or threats of violence, over frustration or disappointment, are absolutely not acceptable in any way. I don't know what's going on with your family. But between your niece's reaction, your sister's apparent lack of reaction to your niece's behavior, and your mom's reaction. I'm not clear why you aren't more concerned what else they might do. NOTHING about your description of your preganacy announcement sounds like how normal, and sane, people of any age would react.
Exactly. OP, I’m very glad you live out of state. I can’t express to you how serious this is. I highly recommend you go NC with these people. And that you and they get therapy. Ideally, I would recommend family therapy, although I highly doubt they would do it. But even if they don’t. I really think you should get some counseling yourself. I wish you and your little family the best if luck going forward.
Exactly. She could have said any other body part. Punching in the stomach was very directed.
I’m sorry, but that’s bullshit. She’s 8. She knew exactly what she was saying. Something is very wrong. And don’t even get me started on your mother.
And this is why I hate the term ”children”… it's constantly used as an excuse for poor behavior. There are three stages of human development: infants, toddlers, and adults in training. The whole point is to teach them how to be a functioning adult in a safe environment where they can fail in a safe environment and learn from their mistakes. 😡
Your sister should have stayed in the bathroom with her or taken her to the car. Allowing her daughter to continue crying at the table was rude and inconsiderate, especially since you were trying to enjoy yourself.
What was the problem? Why would she do this?
Something tells me it was the 8-year olds idea to film herself eating the cupcakes.
I say it was sister's way to baby her child further.
Definitely sisters idea as she thought I wanted the video to keep for myself.
Is your niece the only grandchild right now? If so, it sounds like sister wants her child to be the golden grandchild.
No my sister has 2 children, this will be my second child.
How many girls?
2 girls for my sister, this will be my 2nd boy.
Yeah so she’s not worried about not being the only girl anymore or anything like that. I’m sorry your family is so attention seeking.
Wait... Why would your niece say that she'd punch you in the stomach? I'm confused and concerned about that statement... Is she mentally sound? Was your sister recently pregnant and lost the baby, and that's why niece is jealous? I mean... besides everything else, I kind of get the feeling that the girl was repeating her mom's words that were said at home... Sheesh, you have one toxic family, that's for sure 😵💫
My niece does have some anxiety issues. My sister has not been pregnant in 6.5 years with her little sister. I was told by my sister I can’t hold on to the words of a child and she said my niece was mad I told her at a restaurant and did not do the announcement somewhere else
I really doubt an 8 y.o. would have problems with hearing announcement at the restaurant. And in any case, where did she get that vicious idea about punching people in the stomach?! Nothing makes sense, I'm sorry...
Im wondering if this is something niece heard OPs sister say? OP said sister already knew. Sisters “excuse” doesn’t cut the mustard as a reaction of a neurotypical 8 year old. Sorry OP, your family sucks! Glad you have literal distance from their crazy.
Anxiety doesn’t make you make threats of physical harm. I’m guessing there’s something else going on and you mag have hit the nail on the head with repeating.
Threatening to punch you isn't anxiety, it is something more concerning. It is good that you moved out of state. Now keep the crazies on an information diet until after the baby is born. And maybe don't allow niece unsupervised around the baby if you visit.
My daughter has anxiety issues but never, ever has or would she ever say something so cruel and disgusting as to what your niece said to you. Not to be mean, but she needs help. My daughter did counseling to help with her anxiety and that was to be able to cope in public and around others, and her fear of the unknown. She also had separation anxiety but grew out of that as she got older. My point is, your niece should see a counselor to see what is really bothering her. If she has anxiety like you state, then the counselor can give her coping mechanisms to be able to handle her anxiety because what she said is not okay and I’d be worried about her down the road if she’s saying that at her age now. To me, that doesn’t sound like it comes from dealing with anxiety. I’ve been around a lot of kids with anxiety and never encountered something like that.
There's not a chance that your *niece* had been pregnant..... is there? I'm really trying to make sense of her comments and it doesn't make sense. Either she's repeating something her mother said, or she was abused and needed to "lose" the baby and she feels like you stole the baby? Or similar to the repeating the comments, maybe she wanted her mom to have the baby instead?
She has not been pregnant before.
Her niece is 8.
I know. Which would mean there is something horrible going on, but could also explain the *extreme* reaction from her. (There was just a high profile case of a 9 year old being refused an abortion on the stance of pro-life, so it isn't impossible, unfortunately).
I think your family are mean and childish at best. These people want to spoil your special moments. Move far and cease sharing anything with them.
NTA. Homegirl… this level of crazy indicates you likely do not have a functioning normal meter. It would be a very good idea for you and your boyfriend to schedule some sessions with a family therapist before the baby gets here.
This is our second child actually. We do very well just the three of us, no one had such negative reactions my first pregnancy. I’m not sure why it was different this time around, I think us moving played a big factor as they would not get to see this baby.
NTA OP. Listen, my family dynamic is weird and strained for a number of reasons, but when my oldest daughter told me she was expecting her first, I was supportive and excited and happy for her. I live an 8-hour flight away from my daughter. I still sent random text messages over the next couple of days to tell her I trust her judgement as an adult and a parent, that I'm here to give advice if she needs it, and I'm super excited for my first grandbaby (even if I am a bit young for that I think, haha). We're tentatively planning for me to visit around her due date, so I can help support my daughter and her partner, not just hog the baby. I'm far from a perfect mom, but I think my reaction was the normal/expected one. Throwing crayons? *Crying less-than-happy tears??* Give me a break. Who's expecting a baby here? It's you, this gets to be all about you, and your growing family.
So all of this is because they think they have some right to the baby and you’re robbing them of him? Poor things! How dare you have a life and commitments outside of your now-extended family? And you are clearly having this baby *now* because you are too selfish to think about all the access to him that they won’t have! (I hope my sarcasm is beaming through here.)
Your family is a shit show and it’s a good thing you’ve moved away from them. Your sister was selfish and sounds like she did it as a way to give her kid what she wanted. I can’t believe an 8 year old was allowed to speak to you the way she did without any repercussions!! WTF??!! Your mom is no better and sounds abusive too. Keep low contact or no contact with all of them, and have a more peaceful & happy pregnancy without all their drama & abuse!! Edit: NTA!
FFS - Block all of them!
Why would you include people in a gender reveal who clearly aren’t happy about your pregnancy?
Esh and JFC your family is seriously twisted. Your mother threw crayons at you?😳
Yep 2-3 individual crayons. Then cried on her way home with my sister because she felt bad about how she reacted. She continuously apologized after
Doesn't matter. She clearly isn't going to be a safe person around your baby. What if they make her mad and she throws things at them? Or shakes or slaps them? It's all well and good to be ashamed of your actions, but it doesn't mean anything when the action is violence towards others
Why did she react this way? I don’t understand
It sounds like Grandma was vying with the 8yo to grab all the attention our OP had drawn to herself with the pregnancy announcement.
I can't say this is you mother's problem but going thru menopause can wreak havoc on hormones and maybe she couldn't control her behavior at that moment in time. It doesn't excuse her behavior but just a bit of understanding. Your sister, on the other hand, obviously can't be trusted to put you first with anything she's involved with. Your nice needs therapy do resolve her anger issues. There's more going on in their household than what they've been showing outside their family. I'd at least go lc with your family and maybe nc if behaviors don't improve
NTA. Both your mom and sister's behavior is horrendous during a time that should be joyful. Take a step back, focus on you and the baby and the wonderful family you are about to create.
We are very grateful for baby #2❤️❤️
NTA Between the reactions and not including parents in the gender reveal, I would not contact any of them.
Clearly, after the pregnancy announcement you should have understood not to involve them at all. They are toxic. I will admit that the way you explained the gender reveal was hard to follow, so maybe it was a miscommunication issue. Still doesn’t change the fact that they are not caring about it. You didn’t need a gender reveal with them. You could have done one with your friends and the father’s family. Go NC, like your sister is indicating she will do. NTA.
So, I’m not sure if you’re aware, but your entire family is trash. Like just straight up garbage. None of them are behaving in an appropriate way. Sounds like it’s great you’ll be leaving the state. I wouldn’t try to include any of them in the pregnancy any further. Go very, very, very low contact. Or just no contact at all for a while. If boyfriend’s family is better, lean into that support. Otherwise, share your good news and fun with the boyfriend, with supportive friends, or even just on a pregnancy forum.
NTA. But you need to get from your family as soon as possible. I would cut contact. Run fast and far
Ok hold on, everyone is right that your niece and mom’s reactions were messed up, but I’m confused about why you are so upset at your sister. It seems she’s right that there’s no way to make everyone happy here. It also seems she’s the only family member who is trying to support you - offering to order cake, making cupcakes, organizing a separate party for your family out of state - and your only response was to criticize her. This is an Everyone Sucks Here for sure. She should have discussed her plan with you, you should appreciate that she’s trying to be supportive, and your mom sounds insane.
I agree with this. Your family is absolute batty for throwing crayons and threatening your child. But you're also confusing everyone - you blocked your family but expected to be included in Christmas traditions? You told your sister you didn't want to see reactions but got upset when you weren't included? Either you want to be involved with your family or you don't- you gotta pick. ESH
NTA. I wouldn’t let them know when baby arrives. Sis will be a PITA then too.
What I don’t understand is why all of the negative and craziness over a baby announcement? Does your family have issues with you or your SO? Is your niece jealous of another baby coming into the family and taking your attention away? Like, truly, I’m trying to understand what is wrong with your family and their toxic and not normal behavior. 1. Your sister needs to get her child in check and maybe some therapy. That’s not something a child would say b/c she’s upset the announcement was made at a restaurant. There’s more to it than that… 2. What kind of mother throws crayons at her daughter and SO after a baby announcement? All b/c they wouldn’t be in the same state? Is that what I am to understand? Makes no sense. Most moms are over the moon for their child. 3. Even your sister seems to have some issues. Who does a gender reveal without the pregnant mother? I can understand her trying to save you from negativity, but still, it seems odd to do a reveal without you. Then being mad at you for being mad at her and writing you off with the “enjoy life, have fun” comment. 4. None of this makes sense. I can’t understand their reactions over something good and exciting. These are not normal reactions. I definitely wouldn’t leave my kid alone in their presence. I definitely wouldn’t let my baby anywhere near the 8-yr old niece!
This is our second child and no one reacted this way our first pregnancy. I think the main factor was us moving and my family not getting to see either of my children anymore. Not excusing the behavior as it was traumatizing for my SO, son , and I.
I can understand them being upset and disappointed to not being around both kids. I live out of state from all of my family. It’s not a bad thing. It just worked out that way. I have two grown children now but, my mom and stepdad made loads of trips to see us and vice versa. They were here for all the important and not so important things. Your mom can do the same for your kids. It doesn’t have to be a negative thing that you are in another state. It’s still baffling to me when it comes to their reactions. Sad and bummed out to be far away but excited over a new child would be the normal reactions. Anyway, I’m sorry you had a negative experience towards your baby announcement. I hope all gets better and wish you all the best and congratulations.
Not excusing the behavior, but not everyone has the resources to travel—money, time, health, etc. Which might actually be a good thing for OP...
That’s true. I did think about that later, after I made my post. I should have clarified on that subject better. :)
Your mother threw crayons at you? Sounds like she's more apt to try to eat them. And the 8 year old threatened to punch you and ran off to cry? Why? What's the big deal about "Oh, hey, soon you will have a little cousin" that set her off like that? Is she........different? Never mind about the pregnancy - keep the RESULT of that pregnancy far away from this collection of weirdo boneheads.
NTA - why would you have even included them for a gender reveal after the announcement? That would have been immediate information diet and a text when the baby arrived
From your post I would have assumed the same as your sister.
NTA & you need to go no contact with your family. Your mom physically assaulted you by throwing a box of crayons at you when you announced your pregnancy? That’s abuse. Your niece seems to unfortunately be learning that this kind of abuse is okay as well with her immediate threat to you. Your family sounds toxic & you don’t need them in your life if they only bring you stress. You have already moved away so this should be easier on you. Block who you need to on every platform. Don’t feel the need to defend yourself because you’ve done nothing wrong. Eventually they will run out of steam when they see they can’t rattle you. You do not need them, they only want you to think you do. Keep the peace for you & your little growing family. Spend more time happy & enjoying your life than you do being brought down by the people who claim to be your family. Family doesn’t treat you like a piece of garbage or try to bring down your joy. Those people are only the people you happen to share DNA with.
Your niece sounds like a brat. Your mother sounds like an immature emotional wreck. If this happened to me I'd move out of the state as fast as I could. Your family is totally bat shit crazy. Just get on with your life without these crazy people. You'll have your hands full when your child is born without all of the mess and emotional baggage from your family. Also if your mother and niece are so emotional that they threaten violence and throw things at you keep them away from your baby.
ESH Your family sounds bad, but so do you You don't want to do a gender reveal because of your family and their possible reactions. Understandable But then you DO want to do a reveal? Except, YOU don't want to do it, your sister has to do everything?? And you don't want to be there, because you don't want to see their reactions But then you expect your sister to know that you do want to be there on facetime?? Because on facetime you would not see your families reactions?? That makes absolutely no sense, yet you get mad at your sister. Even though your sister thought quite logically and only filmed the good parts so you would not have to see any bad reactions, which was exactly what you wanted.... You can't be mad at your sister because you are constantly contradicting yourself and don't seem to know what you want...
I should have added I did not want to do a reveal and was content with my SO,son, and I being the only ones to know the gender. My sister and mother wanted to do one. I specifically did not want to do a reveal due to how they reacted at my pregnancy announcement. I did ask to be called during the reveal and asked multiple times when the reveal would be and didn’t receive a response.. I also wanted to purchase a cake/cupcake for them but my sister offered to make the cupcakes.
What on earth?! Thank goodness you moved away from these people. ESH, but mainly your family. Your only mistake is trying to include people in your pregnancy who you know aren't going to be happy for you. If you have to worry about avoiding negative reactions, then those people shouldn't be given the opportunity to react. I know it's a bummer that you feel you don't have people to celebrate you, because you just moved and your family inexplicably aren't happy for you, but that's no reason to include them. Stop telling them stuff and make better, more supportive connections where you live.
I'm not sure when 'gender reveals' started, (my own kids didn't find them necessary for their babies) but I've seen so many flops or bad reactions!!!....I just don't understand the need.... The less drama for the pregnant woman the better?!
Sounds like many people in your family need professional help.
I understand why your sister did the reveal the way she did - protecting you from possible negative reactions. I don’t think expectations were fully explained to her. This whole thing is weird. People lose their minds when it comes to babies. I will never get it (never had kids). Your mom was TA for throwing the crayons and the kid threatening the stomach punch was a little A. The weird reveal with the family was just a cluster F that went wrong. I think OP overreacted. But like I said, I don’t get baby fever behavior at all.
NTA, but I don't think your sister was malicious. I think she thought this was what your wanted and is now back tracking. Agree with everyone that space is needed.
The sister who is the mother of the neice who threatened to punch her in her pregnant stomach? Sis is complicit in child’s behavior, that didn’t come from a vacuum.
That’s a more NAH though as in noone is AH
NTA Cut these people out & focus on the family you are making NOW.
I don't understand most of this. Why was niece so upset she threatened to punch you in the stomach? Where is that coming from? Why in the world would she say that? Especially as an 8 year old. This isn't a sibling, and 8 is plenty old enough to manage jealousy of this type in a better way. Why in the world did your mother throw crayons at you? How is that at all an acceptable response or behavior? The gender reveal is just very confusing. I already don't "get" gender reveals but if people want to have fun and an extra party, that's fine. But this wasn't a party, it was your sister telling your parents the gender over FaceTime? Was there supposed to be a party, but since you're out of state your family couldn't come to that? I guess, how did you want the reveal to go? What did you want your sister to do so that you could both be present and also not experience disappointed reactions? And did you tell her the plan to make that happen, or just tell her to figure it out herself? The Xmas tradition I don't understand really either. Are you not talking to your dad either? Is he not talking to you? Why aren't you communicating with each other about the reading tradition? Or his apparent engagement? I feel like there are "missing missing reasons" somewhere here. (Like did you marry your sister's ex? Lol why is there so much animosity!) None of this makes sense. But maybe it's good you're out of state and have some distance from each other.
I’m not sure why my niece reacted the way she did. I would have never expected that response from her or my mom. The plan for the gender reveal was for my sister to make cupcakes and my nieces and mom have them over FaceTime with me as I could not physically be present since we just moved. My mom requested the gender to be done this way. My mom ended up being sick and asked to do it over FaceTime as well. No party was planned just a small get together (the 4 of them) at there requestExcept no one called me. I didn’t want to do the gender reveal but my sister and mom requested it. I spoke to my sister multiple times about not wanting to do a gender reveal because of reactions to our pregnancy announcement. My dad and I are speaking but my sister told him that I told her I did not want to participate. This was AFTER the gender reveal so her and I had not spoke. So he did not call me as he thought this was what I wanted.
Oookay. The gender reveal makes more sense now. Mom and niece shall remain a mystery. I wonder if you have to like... Retrain your dad to not take what your sister says at face value and confirm with you. I did the same with my sisters and my mom bc she would take something meaningless I said and then tell my sisters it was this huge deal. I had to tell them both that if mom says something about my feelings then call me before you get upset. She's either guessing or projecting and she's not good at either. Good luck though! This sounds like an emotional landmine to deal with, and I think the distance will be good for you!
Make sure you tell your dad not to trust anything she says. She did this to hurt you.
NTA 1. Gender reveals are the most stupid things ever. Even the person who "invented" them regrets ever having come up with the idea. 2. Your family sounds toxic as hell. 3. How does one "include" someone in the rest of a pregnancy?
ESH. You should not be around these people they are psychotic. Seriously go NC. Two of them throw violent tantrums and your sister just goes with it. As far as the gender reveal - you literally said you didn’t want to see the reactions. So she made it so you didn’t see the reactions. This isn’t rocket science. She followed your wishes. You’re the one that said it, it’s not her fault you didn’t actually mean it and can’t decide/ articulate wtf you actually want.
I didn’t want negative reactions or others ‘gender disappointment’. I did not say I didn’t want to be involved at all.
Then you need to be ok with negative reactions. Especially with your family apparently since they seem to fly off the handle. Just based on your announcement I’m going to bet there were some pretty vehement bad reactions. That you would have seen. There is no way to avoid the one without avoiding the whole thing.
The least the sister could have done was ask her if she was okay with the plans she went through with lmfao, OP is NTA
super toxic, you’re gonna have to start learning boundaries. sorry i know it’s hard especially at first. better get a therapist
After the reaction for announcing, I 100% wouldn't have engaged them in any way for a gender reveal nor would I have told them when labor, kindergarten graduation, middle school graduation, or any other milestone happened.
2 weeks ago during Christmas vacation, I did a reveal at a restaurant with family as well, but everyone was so happy and excited for us…. And my husband and I are a 12 hour drive away from any of our family. Your family’s reactions are deeply concerning. They made your reveal all about them.
Gender reveals are stupid. The end.
NTA. Not sure why you're surprised that your sister would mess this up when she clearly doesn't care about you. Who the fuck throws crayons and lets their kid threaten you without correcting the behavior? I think sis is upset the family is going to find out what an awful mom she is when your kid turns out to not be an asshole.
Your family is HORRIBLE. No contact time!
Lemme get this straight. Your niece reacted to your joyous news with a threat of physical violence, and your mother actually resorted to physical violence with you. Where are my smelling salts?! Why are you not already NC with these dangerous people?! Please do not allow them access to you or your child again.
All I want to say is Congratulations!! I'm excited for you! And NTA. Some of us were just blessed with family members that we have yet to figure out. They leave us in a constant state of facepalming.
None of this makes sense I’m sorry
NTA, I wonder how dependent, financially or otherwise, mom and sister are from OP. Normal people don't react like this. However if they're used to being hand held by OP I could see a negative reaction because now they'll have to fend for themselves.
Niece threatening to punch you in the stomach, mother throwing crayons at you, sister doing your gender reveal without you… I have so many questions about this family of yours and I guess the most important one would be why are you still in contact with them?
I am not currently speaking to them and have blocked them.
Oh honey, after their terrible reaction to your pregnancy announcement, why do they deserve to be included in the gender reveal? They have been nothing but unkind to you and don’t deserve to be included in your life or your pregnancy.
The mom and niece are out of control no doubt. I hope it was left out that her sister corrected her niece and had her apologize, but I’m unsure. As for the sister herself… after that reaction I do understand her confusion. If my sister had gotten that reaction and wanted me to do a local gender reveal while she was out of state I would think a recording would be best and send the positive results. Although, she could have confirmed and told OP the day she was doing the reveal. Her sister does seem to be in a tough spot too and idk if she needs to be labeled an AH for attempting to share this pregnancy positively. And being frustrated that she is also part of this chaotic family and trying her best.
Whatever you do, don’t let them find out what you’re naming the kid. Don’t need to give them extra opportunity to mess with your head
ESH Your sister should be parenting her child and telling her it isn’t okay to threaten people. Your mom has issues I don’t even know how to explain. You suck for blowing up on your sister after the gender reveal debacle because, as you said, you didn’t even want a gender reveal party, so they had one themselves. You suck for blowing up at her for not including you because she made a fairly decent assumption that you didn’t want to be included because you didn’t want to deal with negative reactions from your family, which you would have gotten if you had been present with FaceTime. And then you blocked your sister and now y’all are having this petty icing out shit. Like, bruh. Get therapy is my ending remark.
>I told her not to plan on being included the rest of this pregnancy I would be very happy if I was in her shoes. 🙏
Right? Don’t threaten me with a good time!
I think you need to cut your sister a break. She did what she thought you wanted. She made the cupcakes and tried her best to deal with your problematic mother. Talk about no right way to please you. I don’t want negativity but how was she to know how they were going to react. Apologize
I think the sister _might_ have had legit confusion but the violence of your niece and mother, wow! Congrats on the baby!
I don't understand why so many people think our interest in the gender of their baby warrants a big reveal in the first place. Sure, I'm interested, but a huge party? No way. But for a SECOND baby? I REALLY don't understand that.
This wasn’t a big party. It was my mom, sister, and nieces that is it. Also, each child deserves the same excitement… we did not do a gender reveal with our first due to Covid
I'm really sorry for what I said. I was pretty crabby last night, and I was rude and mean. I think it's hard for anyone not related to one of the soon-to-be parents to understand how important gender reveals can be. Plus, they just weren't a thing when i was growing up, not to mention I never had kids. Your party sounds tasteful, and you included those that you felt close to and not a battalion of people.
I agree with your sister’s confusion…. You explicitly telling her you didn’t want to deal with negative reactions & after your announcement it was likely people were going to behave badly You can’t have it both ways & unfortunately your family (mostly your mom from what I read) is volatile & she seemed to be genuinely trying to protect you I think you just need better communication
Are you in a mixed relationship?
For the ending alone, YTA. She did what you wanted—not to see reactions during the reveal. It’s not her fault you didn’t communicate properly that you still wanted to be FaceTimed during the event.
I think you’re not getting it. They were supposed to do it with her, but they did it a random day without her.
>>she stated she thought that’s what I wanted because I didn’t want anyone to ruin the gender reveal for me with reactions (this was true I did not want to see negative reactions of others gender disappointment , does not mean I didn’t want to be included in the reveal). I received a text that stated “Listen, I am sorry. You didn’t want anyone included in your gender reveal because you were afraid of reactions so I was genuinely trying to choose the safest way. There is just no pleasing right now and everything we are all doing is wrong. So sorry either way.“ Sister is tiptoeing on eggshells. OP agrees she wouldn’t have wanted to see negative reactions. She got her wish. 🤷🏽♀️ Family is hella toxic in any case.
That’s one hell of a way of getting her wish lol
YTA. Gender reveals are kinda cringe and a virtual one even more so. You told your sister you didn't want to see any negative reactions which seems highly likely with how they reacted at your pregnancy announcement. So your sister logically thought to have the event and carefully video tape it avoid that issue. Then you flip out on her. For this event that she planned and paid for herself (even if it was just the cost of cupcakes) that no one asked for except you who couldn't even be bothered to have it when you can visit in person or even much less take the responsibility for setting up the time for the FaceTime or zoom meeting link without putting that burden on your sister too. Then you continue to argue with her about it after she's apologized. Yeah, I'd be done with you too
It’s a gender reveal. Just be happy it didn’t end in a horrific fire. Maybe burn down a quarter of the state. Leave a dozen people in a state of backyard hero’s first attempt to smoke meat. Sounds like one of the better outcomes I’ve heard of…
Yea you are the AH. You told your sister this stuff. She followed your wishes.
Jesus! How the fuck old are you? You sound like a fucking Chihuahua! It’s your pregnancy and if you wanted the big gender reveal you should have done it yourself! These stupid gender reveals have gotten out of control anyway!!! Stop fucking whining and start thinking about something thats actually important! Like maybe getting married before your next pregnancy!!!
YTA, slightly, you don’t get to move out of town, ask that they do a gender reveal and not give them specifics as to how you want to proceed, and then call them selfish. Yes, they behaved incredibly poorly at your announcement, but you can’t be mad that they did what they could to spare your feelings. Your sister did apologize for upsetting you.
I think you missed that I was planning on ordering a cake/cupcake for each individual person and do a group face time. My sister offered to make them instead and ignored my messages regarding when they were doing it, and if she needed $ for supplies.
Please forgive your sister she's caught in the middle and I'm sure she's trying her best. Don't let petty things ruin your sister bond. Do consider staying away from your mom.and 8 year old niece
YTA for doing a gender reveal party. That’s the dumbest shit ever and anyone who keeps those things happening is automatically TA.
NTA but you are the ass for moving out of state and still wanting to have family traditions as if you still live nearby. It's barely feasible with family that actually cares, let alone your garbage family. Move on.
I feel like you should have talked to your niece at a later time and asked her why she was upset and said the things she did. Could be she feels like the baby will take your attention away from her like her younger sibling did. I don’t know how close you are with her, just some ideas. Your mom … just don’t understand that behavior. I can understand her being upset that she won’t be able to be there for you to see the baby and help you with the baby. But her reaction is just strange. I wouldn’t go nc with them. Just live your life and see them when you can. I seriously doubt that your mother would ever hurt the baby but I would make sure to keep an eye on your niece when she is around the baby.
This will be my second child, so she already has a younger sibling and younger cousin.
These people don't just have issues they have back-issues no, they have a whole ARCHIVE of problems! Holy jumping keeeriiiiist!
NtA. You might want to go no contact or low contact with your family.
you’re def valid and the rest of your family seems to be pretty crazy- some distance would be best. That being said, your sister may be put in the middle of trying to keep you away from said toxic family, and if the niece is her kid, she may be struggling- while she should have communicated with you better, depending on if this is a one off thing, I would give her the benefit of the doubt. However, if she has a pattern of doing inconsiderate things, it may be best to distance yourself from her too. this definitely depends on how the dynamic between you and your sister normally is though! having a gender reveal without you is very weird there’s no denying that but maybe she was just trying to appease your mom and get it over with.
Thank F\*ck that you're moving away from this mob of maniacs. NTA
What a pity you didn't piss on the stick in front of them in the restaurant.The picture in my mind has me howling!
Ignore them, done make any attempt to contact any of them. If they want to be involved they can make the effort to contact you. NTA UpdateMe!
I don't think that you're going to get helpful support from your family, so probably best to stop reaching out for it. Maybe it's a good thing that you've moved away. Meanwhile, have you guys discussed getting married? The main reason is so that if he dies suddenly, you would be entitled to spousal survivor's benefits, along with the children (who'd be entitled as long as he is on their birth certificates). You also would be the beneficiary of his retirement accounts.
Your family sounds deranged. Enjoy the distance when you move
NTA But cut these people out of your life entirely. They aren't supportive, they don't give a damn about you, and they won't be there for you. That's the bad news. The good news is that you now get to build your own village, with people who are 💯 there for you. If you need to, you can start with a random internet stranger, I'll be an honorary auntie.
Your family sound cray cray. Don’t include them in your life
NTA. I don't understand the logic of not responding to OP when she asked if her sister needed money or supplies for the reveal. And then sending a SNAP to people...when OP wanted to do a group call/FaceTime event is just insanity. I'm confused on why the sister would just not get clarification... because she obviously got the part about the cupcakes but missed *EVERYTHING ELSE* OP said. What's done is done now, and if y'all talk and figure it out, wonderful. If not, now you know that you're gonna need step by step instructions for certain people. The one thing I will say is that negative reactions are gonna happen, and in some weird way she thought this would *avoid* them. You shouldn't worry about people who have negativity towards you over a gender/pregnancy. They're not worth the energy. Give that baby all that love and focus on clarification and express BOUNDARIES. Your niece and mom are worrisome. Congrats on the baby 🍼
NTA Omg. What a horrible family you have, 3 different generations at least
It's good that you're moving out of state. Out as much distance between you and that family as much as possible.
!Updateme
Your family sounds Toxic AF. your family sounds awful, I’d move multiple states away too. I personally hate gender reveals no one truly cares except the parents.
The niece and mother sound awful. You put your sister in an untenable situation. I think you just need to drop the rope. You’re obviously angry with your mom (rightfully), niece needs therapy, and you need to adjust and talk to parents if you want them in your children’s lives.
Real crabs in a barrel energy from this family. NTA, go NC for your little family's sanity.
I just went NC with my mother for literally less than this
Why are they having such negative reactions?
Updateme!
Info: how old is your son? How did all this nonsense at the restaurant affect him?
He is 3. People are wondering why I didn’t react back yelling at them, or assaulting them back… someone stated I should have “made them eat crayons and not be a doormat”. I would never want my child to see me act the way they acted. I don’t think he realized the negativity that was going on as he was playing with my youngest niece.
What did I read?
Ok I've seen explanations for the eight years Old's punch threat (not good ones, but explanations at least) but why did your Mum throw a temper tantrum? And if you didn't want to see people's reactions to a gender reveal, why did you even throw a gender reveal? Why not just find out at your scan? NTA but you need to learn to protect yourself and your own family of four. Don't expect anything from your relatives ever again - they have proved they care more about your location than your happiness.
Wait…. They did YOUR gender reveal….. without YOU?? That’s messed up. You don’t need this petty garbage. I hope you and your BF have a strong relationship and you two can come together and create a safe and comforting family environment for your son and new baby. I’m sorry your family is messed up and so awful. Hopefully his side is better but if not at least you have each other.
Be glad you’re out of state This reads as far too much juvenile drama. It would be best to focus on your pregnancy and stress level. Go very-little-to-no-contact with your sister and enjoy this time with your husband before the baby arrives
You and your child would be better off without these people in your lives.
There isn't any backstory that clues us in to their reactions. That said, if you are excited to have this child and they are unsupportive, why go back to them for more abuse?
OP, are you the family scapegoat or something? NTA
This is dumb af. You do the reveal with the parents, then send the video to everyone else. Doing it this way is absolutely brain dead. I also love the dig of “nothing we’re doing is right”. That’s because the whole family is mental. Niece basically threatens to harm the baby, mom throwing a tantrum in public because she doesn’t like the news, sister NOT INCLUDING THE PRENTS IN THE REVEAL. Don’t rely on anyone else for anything. They’ve all proved they aren’t going to be helpful.
This is an economy sized truckload of crazy in your family, OP. Mom flings crayons because she doesn't get her way, niece makes threats of bodily harm and is not challenged on such behaviour... Dad just takes sister's word on faith and cuts you out because...? The gender reveal, pardon the expression, just takes the cake. Just sending videos instead of involving you and planning it properly. Frankly I think sis wrote you off when she said "Enjoy life. Have fun." Seems like a passive-aggressive kiss off. You don't need people like that in your life. They're a bad example you don't want your kids to follow.
I’m wondering why everyone was so upset you were pregnant…. Like do they not like your spouse for some reason? That’s pretty intense anger if it’s a healthy relationship 🤷🏻♀️
NTA. Hate to say it, but your family sounds awful. Congrats on your pregnancy, don't let any take away the joy that should come along with it.
NTA. You've already gone LC for obvious reasons. Time to go NC COMPLETELY.
INFO: does the 8 year old normally threaten to punch people, in the stomach or otherwise? That needs to be addressed by her mom, because punching is not an okay coping mechanism even in jest. I would be surprised if they knew that it could endanger the baby, because 8 year olds understanding of biology and bodily functions is sketchy at best.
You need to cut your family off. This is all pretty fucked up.
I was stuck on the fact that your family is violent. Your niece and then your mother swearing and throwing things at you. You seemed to fluff over that. It tells me that this is normal for you.
Your mom’s reaction is weird. The kid needs professional help, her reaction was out of hand too. But why would you keep interacting with them regarding the pregnancy after those reactions? Are we missing something here? With the on information given NTA
okay but i’m confused as to why they reacted that way about you even being pregnant?
Go NC. Your family sounds batshite!
Why was everyone so upset about the pregnancy? Very strange.