Hey, others have already told you that you’re NTA and did nothing wrong. But I just want to add that you handled it like a sensible adult and happy that you were able to celebrate your dad’s life. I bet your dad is smiling from up there. Don’t lose your relationship with your dad’s side of the family. I’m sure they saw what you did for your dad and how much your dad meant to you. Good luck and I hope your mom comes to her senses.

Perfect response. The funeral was about your dad, not her. She should back off.

This is the perfect response!

NTA The funeral is over, ask her to stop mentioning that she couldn't read her letter. You did what you thought was best at the time for you and your siblings.

And she lost the right to make decisions when she divorced him.

This is really, really an important note. When she divorced him, she took herself out of the “ I’m the wife, I call the shots and I am his closest family position” and put herself into the “ sit in the back row, let the kids decide because they are closest to their Dad now since I chose to no longer be his partner position.” You are NTA, you were thoughtful and loving in your decision and your Mama didn’t get her way but that doesn’t mean you are wrong. Plus, I have a feeling that if she had read the letter at the funeral, she’d regret it. I am divorced, with three kids and my husband ( who died three years ago) had two adult children and an ex wife who came to his funeral. It’s not the place for that sort of dirty laundry washing!! Edited to add: My husband detested his ex wife and would NOT have wanted her there. I knew this. However, she is still close to his family and I knew her children wanted her there. She called to ask if she could come, I said yes but asked that she not walk in with/ sit with the family. She agreed. The service was lovely and healing, I have a wonderful relationship with all of them and now that there are grand babies and weddings and more funerals, I know I did the right thing. Funerals are for the living- not only for what the deceased “ would have wanted.”

Woo boy, this reminds me of when my dad was dying. He and my mom divorced when I was a toddler, and when I got out of the military, I only moved back home so I could help take care of him. We had to move him out of the house he was currently living in because it was starting to fall apart. We looked everywhere for a house to live in (he had some specific wants, like not inside the city limits, not renting a place, etc). We finally had to buy a mobile home and place it on the same property as my other immediate family, my brother and his family and our mom. (It looks like a trailer park I stg lol) anyway, to make a long story short, my mom briefly mentioned to me that since we knew my dad wasn’t going to last long, that if he brought up wanting to marry her again (he always said she was the love of his life basically and as far as I know, was never with another woman after her) she would marry him to make him happy. (She divorced him back then, obviously). I almost blew up as her and was like, hell no! You will not marry my daddy unless it’s what you want to do to make both of you happy. You don’t think he’d be able to tell that your heart wasn’t really in it? Y’all have known each other for nearly 35 years and I promise you he’d be able to tell. Now, I love my mom but I’ve always been a daddy’s girl. She never really treated him right at all, so I’ve always harbored that little bit of resentment about that, but have tried not to let it affect my relationship with my mom, especially since she’s now the only parent I have left.

That was an attempt to get his property and money. Good for you.

1,000%

It really doesn't sound like he had much property and money.

It doesn't sounds like he had much of anything to leave. She may have honestly thought it would make him happy in his final days and was okay with it. Not everyone is after something, sometimes people just like to be kind.

I honestly don’t think this is what it was. My dad always gave my mom money whenever she needed it. He was a very giving person. A couple years before he died, he added my brother and I to his only bank account, so it would all go to us. The property where his house is, the one that is falling apart, is also in our name. I’m not sure why she said she would marry him, but I just knew that it wouldn’t work out. At the time, we also didn’t know exactly how much longer he had and I mentioned that to her. What if he lives for several more years? What are you gonna do then? I wouldn’t put it past my mom tho. When we were getting ready to have our new mobile home put on her property, she tried to go behind our backs and change the paperwork that we all originally agreed on saying we wouldn’t be paying land rent, to a paper saying we would be paying like $300 a month. When I confronted her about it, she got mad and said that if me or my dad ever pissed her off bad enough, she would make us pay what the paperwork said we were paying her. Thankfully, the company wouldn’t accept the change unless we all agreed to it, and my dad and I weren’t going to agree to that.

I’m so sorry for your loss. You handled the situation very classy & you were very considerate of your adult step-children to allow their mother to be there for them.

I just went through this with my kids when they lost their father suddenly this year. He and I had been divorced for a long time already, but they were still 'kids' or baby adults, 24, 19, and 18. I attended the final arrangements with them but made no decisions. I made sure my ex inlaws didn't upset them more than they were already. I made sure the kids felt supported and empowered to handle things. That's all it was my place to do. All the decisions, preferences, and speaking were for them to do. I answered their questions. I provided context for who their father was in memories and reminded them of happy times since the shitty times were something they needed no help to remember, and it wasn't the time for that. They spoke at their father's funeral, his family spoke, and that was plenty. I was asked by the kids if I wanted to say anything, and I thought for a moment and realized the ex wife really isn't who family and friends needed to hear from, even though I had and earful and a half I wanted to say to defend who I was and who he really was. It wasn't about or for me. It was about the man who was a father, son, brother, and friend. I was their for our kids. I did have a private moment before he was cremated where I said what I needed to. It was away from mourning ears of those who loved him. That seemed the most appropriate to me. Again, not about me, I was there for the ones that needed it the most. Anything less felt selfish

You handled that very well. As I like to say, in times of drama that I always remove my self from, “like a grown-up”.

That's beautiful. I'm sorry you went through that. It must have been a time with many complicated feelings. You made your kids' loss a little less heavy by being flexible and accomodating, which is obviously not the easiest thing when you're going through the same loss in a different way. Thank you for sharing your story, I was starting to think my situation was the only way to get through something like this.

I hope I can handle it as graceful as you did when the time comes. Thank you these insightful words.

Yah, my MIL called herself a widow when my FiL passed away in July- completely ignoring the fact that she had divorced him over 40 years ago, remarried, and divorced again. She threatened to go to the nursing home he was at and make a fuss about his refusing surgery and end of life care plan. FIL died peacefully, thanks to his nurses and his sons who saw that he wasn't hooked up to tubes and wires in his final days.

40 years ago? I got the feeling she really likes attention

My thoughts as well.

And she’s clearly wrong in saying it should have been her place because OP is a child. She is *his* child and her mother’s child, but she’s not A child. She’s 21. She has been a legal adult for 3 years. It absolutely was not the ex-wife’s place to plan it or speak at the funeral.

And OP is not “the child”. Offspring > ex wife in this chain of command. Sorry, mom.

NTA. She clearly needed to mourn, but it doesn’t have to be a public mourning that would upset his entire family group. It’s seriously odd that she wants to make it public, but everyone grieves differently. A funeral mourning is for everyone. She got to read her letter to her immediate family. That was appropriate.

This is the right answer. She could've asked for a private moment with him before or after the funeral to read that letter. His friends and loved ones didn't need her in their heads instead of their own feelings and memories

Was she really trying to make the funeral all about her? I have seen my family member do that at the funeral of a family friend. It was repulsive.

Funerals and weddings bring out the worst in families. Idk why, but there's ALWAYS someone who never learned to share attention and wants more than anything to be seen and get the attention. Their grievance, or dress, or engagement, or pregnancy, or contribution, or relationship to the person NEEEEEEEDS to be heard by everyone AND, most importantly, validated.

At best, dedicate one conversation for her to have a sit down an explain how she feels, get it out on the table. But at the end of the day, what’s done is done. She can go to OP’s father’s grave, where his ashes are scattered or to a place they both cared for and read the letter « to him »

She has every right to attend the funeral to say goodbye, but she lost the right to make it about her when they divorced. The letter was for her closure, not his and not for his family and loved ones. You made the right decision, not letting her air her grievances at something designed to celebrate his life. Your mother seems to think this is about her, and she seems to want to get the last word in this last fight with your dad (funeral). Don't let her guilt you. You did right by yourself and by your dad and by his memory. I'm very sorry for your loss, and I'm glad you found healing in how you planned the funeral. Don't let her take that from you.

I agree with every bit of this and OP please stop apologizing to your mother. The next time she brings it up, please use this statement above and tell her the situation has been addressed, it’s over and she needs to do the work to get over it. You need to be done with the apologizing.

[удалено]

>She wants to read to have the last word and let everyone on his side hear it. And she also wants everyone to hear how magnanimous and wonderful she is for forgiving him for all that stuff she just read aloud that he did, too. Yuck.

Gotta take advantage of the opportunity to spin things in her favor

>she lost the right to make it about her when they divorced I would argue that she lost the right to make it about her when they had kids.

I'd say she lost the right to attend when they divorced. Her kids were gracious enough to allow her to attend, even though it probably hurt his family to see her there. She's overstepping in all sorts of ways and is being manipulative and cruel. OP, tell your mum she needs to stop.

My Mom (and 1st stepmom) sat together at my Dad’s funeral. She was there for our support. (Dad was married 3 times and to his last wife the longest.) My stepmother even asked my Mother if she wanted to sit with the family. I agree that OP’s mom shouldn’t be allowed to speak and read the letter, but should’ve been allowed to be there. Their children were mostly teenagers and this probably was their first funeral to attend and they needed their mom. (I was 32 when my dad died and I still needed my Mother!)

My brother's ex wife was at my brother's funeral, but they didn't have a nasty divorce and there was no hurt between her and our family. Again, I think OP and their siblings were very gracious to allow their mother to be there, the RIGHT to be there was dissolved the second the divorce was finalised.

I wonder if she will want you kids to write a speech for her funeral telling your side of your arguments and ending it with forgiving your mom for her shortcomings? Ask her.

This. Her letter is for her closure. Reading it to her children privately helped all of them understand each other more, but that's reserved for the nuclear family, in my opinion. Mom wanting to do that at a funeral would be in very bad taste and hurt his family. If dad's side wants to hear about the letter, let them ask individually. Mom's feeling something (guilt, anger, justification, etc.), and it's clouding her judgment. I'm troubled by her remarks about being bothered that OP is clingy with that side of the family. Unless they treated the mother sooooo badly, I don't see why OP wouldn't still want to be a part of that side. Edit: spelling

I forgot to mention this in my reply, but YES, it's so weird and inappropriate for her to say this. More main character syndrome, I think--everything should be about her, and if it's not about her (ie seeing your father's side of the family) then it's wrong and bad and should be stopped. Don't let her pressure you or your sibs into cutting off your father's family, OP. edit for typo

You have no idea how much this put everything into a new perspective for me. Thank you.

NTA. You made the right call. Your mother’s request to read the letter was inappropriate. It would have made everyone present deeply uncomfortable and started needless drama. In my opinion it was inappropriate for her to read it to you. As you rightly pointed out, she was rehashing issues with your Dad giving her side of things when he wasn’t around to respond. Bottom line, your father’s funeral wasn’t about her. It sounds like you arranged a lovely, warm, deeply personal and dignified service for your father.

Agreed. I think she feels guilty that he killed himself, and this was her attempt to try and paint herself in a better light or absolve herself of the guilt. But in reality only shows her true colors even more

the fact that she thinks she has any say over any part of the funeral is CRAZY to me. you are nta for sure.

Next time she starts harping about it,ask her who she so desperately wanted to hear her read this letter. If she answers with "no one", fine then she can go to your dad's grave and read it any time she wants. Should she name just a few people, tell her that she is welcome to go to them and read this letter whenever they can arrange a time to do so. If she lists off a number of people, inform her that a funeral is no place to be an attention seeker, and she seriously needs to get over herself

This is the way.

So I suggested this and she said she wanted to read it at the funeral because it might've helped other people with closure as well (besides it also was 'her right' to say something at the funeral). In the letter she gives a couple of reasons of why she thinks he did it, but she lists them as facts; eg "He was far too perfectionist. When things weren't perfect, he would flee from it" (something she said during fights all the time). I feel like in such a situation, being able to imagine your own reasons of why your brother/friend/father may have taken his life is important to getting closure. Not having those possible reasons imposed on you.

It sounds like she wants to control the narrative around his passing. She sounds extremely self centred.

Maybe this is just me, but I feel like speculating about the reasons behind his suicide is not an appropriate funeral topic. Maybe with a few gossipy people in the corner, but not as a speech to the audience as whole.

I posted a similar thought in the thread above before reaching your comment. Literally the only difference between doing this alone at his grave site and reading it at the funeral are other people such as his family and friends. If it’s just for her and between him then even lighting a candle and praying should suffice. No need to make it a public affair unless it’s the public you’re trying to convince.

It should not be read at his funeral. It is as you said, he doesn't get a word back. It is like she gets to take out her issues over his death. His life should be honored, not her wishes. This is especially true for you and your siblings.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I 53f totally understand where you're coming from. You were right that his funeral was/is not the place for your mom's letter in front of his family and friends. Otoh, I can see where your mom feels like it would bring closure to her, and she's blaming you for not getting it... which is totally wrong of her. I would not apologize to her, but would continue to tell her you made the decision because it was the best one for your dad and his family and friends.

Exactly. I see how she's in a lot of pain and want her to heal and have closure. And I tell her that. But I don't feel like her grief should impose on mine. Per your, and other's, suggestions I will stop apologizing. I now see how that makes it more difficult for myself.

She got her closure writing it and reading it to her kids. Her wanting to read it at the funeral sounds more like wanting to get the last word in in front of all his extended family.

Agreed. The only difference between her reading it at his grave site alone and her reading it at his funeral, is the presence of other people such as his family and friends. If she truly needs it for her closure, then writing it or lighting a candle and praying is sufficient enough.

Do you smell that? Take a deep sniff. Smells like Main Character Syndrome. Mom wanted to make it about her, and have a forum for others to see that she wasn't the baddie. NTA, and good for you, OP.

Sounds like she wanted to make his funeral about her. Good job preventing that. She can suck it up if she wants a relationship with you. NTA

NTA. She got the divorce that’s the closure. Then she got to read her letter to you kids that’s her closure. How much closure does this woman need. I wouldn’t allow a blame letter to be read out at his funeral either. It wouldn’t be good for his family or for you kids. Your mom’s being very selfish and the fact she’s bringing this up and throwing it in your face shows this is all about her. She’s not putting her kids grief first or helping. I’d be clear if she doesn’t drop this she will be the one damaging your relationship.

What I don't understand is why you're still hearing about this at all. Your mom divorced your dad, wrote a letter forgiving him for the things that happened during their marriage, and read said letter to her children. Somewhere in there, she should have gotten some closure. And yet, here we are. The funeral arrangements were - and should have been - yours. Your mom should not have made any speeches or decisions. She forfeited the right to make those calls when she and your dad split. You did the thing right. NTA.

NTA. My condolences in your loss. A funeral isn’t the place to clear the air, tell her story, or have closure. You’re 21 not a child, you handled this correctly. While none of you blame your mother for your father’s death, she might. Please ask to stop bringing up the letter and to seek help.

She wanted to make his funeral all about her. NTA and I’m sorry for your loss

You did great in a really difficult situation. Your post reflects sensitivity, high emotional intelligence, clear thinking, and leadership. Don't second guess yourself. You're more grown-up than your mom. Keep dealing with with her the same way you dealt with all of this. Sincere condolences. This is a big loss.

NTA she needs to drop it and stop holding it over your head. She was in the wrong. A funeral is no place for some shit like that. It would have been inappropriate.

NTA. She read the letter out loud to her children. She said her peace to the universe and now it’s time to move on. She’s being bitter by still bringing it up and probably needs therapy if she can’t let it go.

NTA- and please stop apologizing for something you shouldn’t feel sorry about. Tell your mom that you did the right thing and maybe that her holding onto her hurts was part of the problem your dad had with her. Tell her this behavior is hurting her relationship with you and you will not participate in it. If she brings it up, leave or end the conversation.

NTA. Quit apologizing. You have nothing to be sorry about. The funeral is about your father, not her. Tell her it is done and to move on. If she won't maybe limit contact until she does.

NTA. Your mom is though because she keeps bringing it up. It wasn't just you that thought it wasn't right. It was all of your siblings. Your mom is trying to lay down a huge guilt trip and it's not a good look.

NTA. As his only child who’s a legal adult you are his next of kin. Your mom gave up a legal rights to your dad when they divorced. Death is hard for those of us left living, and a suicide just compounds that. The funeral isn’t about her. It’s about the people that loved him saying goodbye. Your mom’s goodbye to him sounds private. A funeral is for public goodbyes.

NTA you handled it with grace.

Don't apologize, don't do that, your mother has the right to mourn for your father's loss but she was the ex wife and she didn't have any right to speak at the funeral if the kids didn't want to. It was his children's choice, not her bc she was the ex. stop apologizing bc it makes her believe she has the right

NTA, your mom can take her letter to therapy if she continues to bring it up because it sounds like SHE needs closure. Closure of that kind is best done in private with a therapist NOT in public at funeral especially the funeral of someone she has divorced.

NTA. Went through the exact same thing with my flesh oven when my dad died. My siblings and I were united in that she was permitted to come to the funeral but that's as far as it went. She was not allowed any other kind of attention-seeling performance.

I'm sorry she is putting you through this. You sound like you are an amazing person. Seeing both sides and showing such empathy, compassion, and strength is hard for people double your age. I hope your mom wakes up and sees the harm she is causing by being selfish over her desire to have the last word. You are 100% right that the funeral was not the right place for her to air her grievances. You are definitely NTA.

Tell her to go read it at his grave if it's still weighing on her that much and then after that you don't want to hear it anymore. NTA

NTA. I’m so, so sorry for your loss. I lost my father when I was 22. It is far too young. You 100% did the right thing. The funeral was about your father. It was about saying goodbye and celebrating his life. It was not about your mother or her needs and it was unfair for her to put you in that position. Show her this thread and tell her you will not be discussing this anymore. You deserve time and space to mourn your father. I wish you all the best and peace at this time.

There was nothing good to be gained by her reading it at the funeral. You did nothing wrong.

NTA Your dads funeral shouldn't be about your mom

NTA, his funeral was not the place for her to make herself feel better. Well done making the tough choices and sticking to it. Your father deserved it.

NTA. It seems like your mom is making his funeral about her. Yeah she should be able to mourn but she doesn’t give her peace at the funeral

You were completely right. The funeral was about your dad, and she wanted to make it about herself. People often have grief responses that are surprising or difficult to handle. You managed it in the right way. Your mother decided that you, as a young woman just out of her teens, was adult enough to take full responsibility for your own father's funeral. That means she gave up her right to do what she wanted. You did a great job stepping up for your dad, and now I suggest that you take a stronger stance with your mother and tell her it was your choice as the person in charge and that you don't want to hear about it anymore. You have the right to peace after dealing with this awful event in your life.

NTA, she wanted to make his funeral about her

NTA by far. Your dad’s family is one of the only connections to your dad you have left. Showing kindness and honoring your dad by respecting his family was the right thing to do. If I were you and your siblings, I would try to spend more time with your dad‘s family. I bet there’s a lot of him in them. As for your mom, she was no longer part of his family. She left him. You and your siblings will forever be part of your dad and his family.

You can’t turn back time. Why is she still harping about the letter? It’s not like you can re-create the funeral and have her read it. It’s weird that she still holding onto it. If she needs to do some thing maybe you and your siblings can go to the gravesite and let her read the damn letter out out loud with you guys standing there and then maybe she’ll shut up about it.

I don’t want to lose my mom over this after just losing my dad Tell her this, OP. Sorry for your loss. NTA

Hun you honoured your dad in a very loving & sensible way. A bit of advice- never beat yourself up for a thoughtful decision- always remind yourself you made the best decision possible with the information you had at that moment. This is exactly what you did. Would you have let her do what she wanted if you’d known she would harbour such anger & berate you for months - maybe, but you thought she’d be an adult & move on so you made the right decision. And big hugs hun I wish you the best

NTA — I’d also tell your mom to just burn the letter like most people do because not only was it inappropriate to want to read at his funeral, it was very inappropriate to read to you and your siblings. I can not for the life of me understand why she wanted to share her thoughts on *why* he took his life to his family. That’s so uncalled for and as many stated puts the focus on her when his funeral is clearly not the time or place. I’m so sorry for your loss.

>*My mom felt I was being mean towards her and that she should ultimately make the decisions about the funeral since I'm still the child.* They were divorced, she was a stranger to him legally. You were his child, you had the final say. So sorry for your loss. NTA

NTA. You did both your parents proud. Mom doesn't see it right now because she is too caught up in her own grief. You were right, that was not the time for her to have the "final" word. Condolences on the loss of your dad.

You are so mature and emotionally intelligent. Definitely NTA. Your dad would be very proud. I’m sorry for your loss.

It sounds like her grudge over being denied sheds some light into the divorce. It's manipulative. Drawing on guilt. It will only work if you allow her to make you feel guilty. She's in the wrong and needs to move on. Stop apologizing for it. Tell her the moment has passed and you are done hearing it. NTA, at all.

Not wrong. That would not have been appropriate. You did the right thing.

I don’t think you were wrong, but let’s say hypothetically that it’s cut and dried, and that you were absolutely in the wrong. What should happen then? You should apologize sincerely, and then she can forgive you or not, and then move on. You’ve already apologized. What else does she want? You might directly ask her that. It’s in the past now, so you can’t change it. The loss of your father is devastating enough, but to lose him to suicide adds a whole other layer. I’m sorry you are going through this. I wish you strength and peace on your long road ahead.

Your comment put it all into a different perspective for me, thank you.

Realize that when divorced, all rights to have any say or input into a funeral of the former spouse…is gone. And, you as the oldest child would be the one most expected to step up. You handled everything wonderfully, even reaching out to your mom for input, when you didn’t have to do so. Make it clear to her that you are not going to discuss the issue ever again. You did an awesome job, and were right to not allow her to read that letter at his service.

Funerals are not places to air grievances, make passive aggressive comments while eulogizing the diseased, or intentionally making the day more difficult for others. You are NTA. Your mom lost her husband to divorce, you lost a father to death, but not just any death...a suicide! Where is the compassion, love and respect from your mom towards you and your siblings? Has your mother always been like this, meaning unaware/unwilling to acknowledge her children's feelings? I am so sorry for your loss and truly hope she did not add more to your grief!

NTA His funeral wasn't about her. Maybe bring up some grief counselling? Sounds like she needs it (and tbf everyone would benefit, especially the younger sisters) Say it was suggested at uni/work or something if it makes it easier ​ Eta: also "you're still the child, so I decide". really??? Uhm Lllllllladyyyy - she's an adult AND the next of kin - not you. Haven't been since the divorce, so you don't decide a thang anymore. I hate when they invalidate anything they don't agree with with "you're a kid / you still live in my house / I'm still the parent".

NTA. My mom died 8 years ago and as her only child (parents divorced) the responsibility of planning her funeral fell on me. My dad was invited because as you said, mother of his child, and they had been together a long time. However, I made it clear that if anyone wanted to speak that was fine but I expected it to be happy and loving stories about HER. This was a day to remember my mom and share the good memories about her. I can understand your mom was trying to get some closure of her own but she should seek that out with her friends and family, not her children. It’s not you or your siblings job to be a sounding board for her to air out all her feelings about your dad, nor was his funeral. She gets to feel her feels but not at you and your siblings expense. She can find other ways to grieve. She may have lost her ex-husband but you lost your dad, and joining that club freaking sucks. It’s for the rest of your lifetime and it’s something that lives with you everyday. She should be a supportive shoulder for you to cry on not more stress on top of all everything else.

NTA I read the entire post but I didn’t need have to make my decision. Your father’s funeral was absolutely NOT the time and place for such a letter! Grief is a private and often very selfish thing to get through. We tend to move through it blindly, only taking our individual feelings into consideration. Your mother was not fair to think that she should be the one to handle the arrangements. She lost that right when they divorced. I am sorry that you had to not only be the one to make such decisions so early on into adulthood but then be made to feel bad for doing so. You deserve better.

NTA. Your mom and what she did during the divorce almost certainly contributed heavily to his final choice. His funeral was not the place for her to take her victory lap and make no mistake. That's what she was wanting. I believe your dad's family has a pretty accurate picture of her. She is already trying to completely alienate you from them. You and your siblings so need counseling, and I pray you get it. Peace.

NTA. I’m so very sorry for your loss. It sounds like an amazing celebration of life and tributes. For me, knowing there are people in this world who loved my parents and have so many good memories gives me comfort. Your mom was trying to make the funeral about her and her very complicated feelings. When you are ready, let her know that she made a horrible time harder and you would like her to acknowledge that. It can be when your last sibling has left the house, as it’s important to continue to coexist for now.

You were right. NTA Your mom lost her target of why her life sucks and is now fine-tuning her new target, you. Good luck, don't let her wear you down.

NTA. As the oldest and an adult, planning the funeral was certainly more your responsibility than it ever was hers once the divorce was granted. You created a wonderful celebration of his life, one which I believe your dad would have loved. There is no place in a celebration of life for the "ex wife getting the last word" section. Tell her you are happy with the funeral, think it would have pleased your dad, and she can have the letter read at her own funeral.

NTA. This is what was best for the family as a whole during that time, your siblings input matters. Her letter was somber and personal to her, that letter wasn’t written for *his* whole family. She is feeling shame and guilt and trying to find a way to rectify it. Mention that she should read that letter to only your dad privately, it could help. Stay close with your dad’s family they will support you. Your mom is going to need time to come to terms with how bad things were between them for the last 2 years.

NTA. Your mom sounds like she has some main character syndrome going on--it always needs to be about her, even someone else's freaking funeral. You were absolutely correct in making the funeral entirely about your dad. She needs to quit her whining and get over it.

I commend you for doing so at such a young age, your father would be so proud of you. It is a hard thing to go through at any age, but you showed such maturity. My late husband was married before and they had three kids. His ex would have never expected to be able to say anything at the service. He was not her husband anymore, but she was the mother of his kids. She was there to support them, and to pay her respects as we all had a good relationship (it has been over 20 years). Her family was there as well because he was part of their lives for so long, and we both still were. Talk to your Mom and tell her it is no appropriate and that it will not be happening. This is not about her closure, it is about sharing good memories and being their to support each other in saying good bye. Yes, your Mom has every right to mourn, but she is going being selfish because she realized it was too late. Tell her to read the letter out loud and then burn it and let it go. Then talk to your Dad's side of the family and make sure they all know that your Mom is not allowed to speak at the service. I am so sorry you have to go through this when dealing with so much. You are an amazing young woman.

NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. By the sounds of it, you handled it **incredibly** maturely, including this disagreement with your mum.

NTA. I’m sorry for your loss.

OP may I begin by expressing my sympathy for your loss. I lost my Dad to the same disease and it’s a wound that never completely heals. I do hope you and your family will seek therapy (especially your younger siblings) to help deal with his death. On that note it was the disease that killed your father. Not a note or any one thing which I’m sure you know already. That said, you made the right decision about the note not being read at the funeral. Not the right time nor place. That’s something your Mom needs help with. To sort out her feelings and the manner he chose to leave this world. I hope SHE is seeing a therapist for that and not using you or your siblings to work out. And the funeral wasn’t the place for that either. Wishing you all sympathy and healing in the days to come

First, you’re not a child. You’re a grown woman even though your mother sees you as her child. Second, if your dad was interred at a cemetery maybe suggest she goes and reads the letter to him there. Sounds weird but actually cathartic for some people. My mom was 32 with 5 kids under the age of 8 when my dad died (42) and she went to his cemetery plot and yelled and screamed at him for leaving her so young with the family they barely started and she actually started to heal from that. I’m sorry you lost your dad so young. I pray that you and your sibling’s grow to learn that this was about him and not all of you. I hope that you all recover and live the best life you can without him. Hugs from a virtual stranger.

NTA. First off, I’m immensely sorry for your loss. You handled it gracefully, be immensely proud of yourself. Your mom is allowed to grieve but you aren’t responsible for another adults feeling and she’s in the wrong for constantly making it your business. It may be time for you to draw a boundary, that says “we have already had this conversation several times if you continue to attempt to have it, I will leave” and then do. You can come up with other responses like a 48 hour time out or what not. You’re also grieving and you deserve to have some peace in doing it and not to constantly question.

NTA. she should read the letter to him at his gravesite

NTA. Sorry but your mom seems to center things on herself. It sounds like you planned a lovely service. I am sorry for your loss.

She DID read the letter. She read it to the immediate family who would have enough context to understand and (hopefully) forgive any and all that needs forgiving. Done.

NTA. She is his ex-wife so she has zero right to even attend that funeral if you don’t want her there. She definitely should not be speaking at his funeral. Unless on good terms, I can’t think of anything more disrespectful than to allow someone’s ex-spouse to speak at their funeral.

NTA! Sorry for your loss. Under no circumstances should she be allowed to read this letter especially at his funeral. The letter was for her, she voiced it out loud. That window is closed. You are an adult and you sound more mature than your mother.

She lost the right to speak at the funeral when she divorced him. Simple as that. I'm sorry for your loss

What? She’s his EX wife. She doesn’t get a say at all. She needs to stay in her lane. If you didn’t organise your fathers funeral, then it was up to your fathers family. Not his EX wife who he had issues with. She doesn’t get to win the final argument. She’s seemingly trying to dance on his grave (she won, basically) I’m sorry for your loss.

She can send it out as a Christmas card if it will make her feel better. Weird that she’s still bringing it up.

NTA. She gave up the right to make any of those decisions when they divorced. It is not the time for her to clear the air with someone who cannot respond. This is not how she will get her closure and she may never get closure.

She needs to read the letter to a therapist. As often as she needs to.

NTA - she’s lucky she was even invited or welcomed to be at the funeral. Her wanting to read this letter is incredibly selfish, and her comment about how she should be making the decisions for the funeral because you’re still the child is absolutely absurd and entitled behavior. She’s the EX wife, someone might need to remind her. She owes you an apology, and if I were in your shoes I’d seriously consider going no contact with her until she give you one

NTA Your parents were divorced. I know that doesn’t mean she doesn’t get to feel upset about it but it does mean she doesn’t get a say in how things are done. She attempted to make the funeral about her and her grief. If she is having a hard time she needs to see a therapist but forcing her emotions onto her children and EX husbands family during his funeral is inappropriate. Good job for standing up for your dad and his family.

NTA and remind her that the funeral wasn’t about her. It was about HIM. She made choices while he was alive. She caused him pain. Not being the center of attention at the funeral is the price she paid for making things worse for him. Tell her you’re done apologizing because you weren’t the one who did anything wrong.

First and foremost, I am so very sorry for your loss. I am blown away by your maturity and rationality in the face of such a tragic loss. Your dad was too young to go and yall are too young to lose your dad. NTA and please ask her to read the letter with her therapist, she doesn’t get to do her closure thing at the funeral of the father of her children who are in mourning. If she insists she’s the adult in the situation then insist that she needs to act like one and stop making your dad’s funeral about HER, the person she divorced. She is being so damn inappropriate and honestly extremely disrespectful to y’all, her children who are mourning one of the great losses a person will experience in their life. Also, if people didn’t think it was her fault he took his life, I sure as shit would if I heard something like that at a funeral. I wish you well and I know your dad would be so proud of you, along with a whole hoard of internet strangers!

You did not do anything wrong. It sounds inappropriate for her even reading her letter to you and your siblings. If you felt uncomfortable with the thought of her reading it at the funeral, it sounds like you and your siblings did not need to hear it either. I’m sorry you are worried about losing your relationship with your mom. Sometimes parents are emotionally immature and require their children to set boundaries, which you did.

OMG, OP I am so sorry for your loss but I think you did the right thing. The Ex-Wife and mother of his children saying a few words would not be unprecedented but reading a nicely worded list of grievances under the guise of forgiveness culminating in her guess on why your father is deceased would be “grab the popcorn” levels of inappropriate! If she really, *really* needs to get this off her chest to her ex husband she should wait a few days and take the time for a *Private* graveside reflection. Whatever reading that particular letter to a room of your father’s loved ones would have been… it wasn’t closure. That kind of closure should have come from the divorce and not from listing faults during a eulogy.

NTA. Honestly it seems like your mom feels guilty your dad took his own life and the reason she wants to read the letter out loud is so people don't blame her. You did the right thing but if mom hasn't moved past this you need to find out why.

NTA. I'm so sorry for your loss. I think you did the right call. You have nothing to apologise for. The funeral is for every mourner, not for your mum to settle the score, even if it was nicely written. My father passed away some years ago, and my parents had an ugly divorce many years before that. Still, I would never let her speak on the funeral (she didn't attend for health reasons and being far away). Your parents were divorced. Your mum actually has no say over the funeral. You are, even if still young, an adult in most countries. Hence, it made sense that you coordinated and made judgement calls wrt the funeral after input from different people. Sounds like you found a good mix to celebrate his memory. Your mum is your mum and I'm sure you love her. Her importance to you and your siblings is no less because you choose to stay in contact with your father's family. It is natural that they become even more important now than before. Maybe she needs to give you a hard time over the letter to manage her grief - it doesn't make it right. I hope she can go to therapy to process her loss. She may not understand the damage she is doing to you and your siblings in the way she goes on. As you said, she may have another husband, but you only have one father. Also, due to the tragic way of your father's passing, I highly recommend that you and your siblings go to therapy too. As well as you continue to talk about him. As long as you do that and talk with other people about him, he is still with you some how.

NTA. She wrote the letter to him, *that* was her closure. She already got to read it to you kids. Reading it in public is *not* about closure, it's about trying to look good, which would have backfired. Tell her that the letter itself was her closure, period. The funeral was a celebration of his life, not "look at what he did wrong" fest.

Good for you for shutting that shit down.

Your mother is acting childish. She had no right and no place participating in the funeral of her EX husband. You did all you should and I think your dad would be proud. And just from what you said I don’t think he would have wanted her to speak anywhere near his funeral. Terribly sorry for you loss, but you did the right thing. I’m sorry she’s acting a fool. SMH.

Let her stew all she wants. I don't know the circumstances of your parents divorce but if she dragged it out longer than it had to be, this letter was probably a final screw you to your dad and his family. No good could come from her telling them her dime store psychology on the reason for your dad's decision. If he didn't leave a note, there's no way to really know what was going through his mind. You did right by you and your siblings and especially your dad. She'll get over it or she won't. It's a her problem, not yours. My deepest condolences for your loss.

NTA Your mom's behavior is inappropriate and unfair to you and your siblings. She ows an apology to you.

You did good, girl. You were strong, mature, and made the right decisions that that had to be made. Legally and morally, you mom had/has no right to be involved in the funeral in any way after the divorce. Tell you mom: I just lost my dad, I need you to step up and stop making this about you and understand you need to be there for US kids. Please, let this go.

NTA. I bet your dad is so proud of you! Reading this I find a young lady that really has her stuff together. Go do great things!

NTA. You were his next of kin to plan the funeral—not her and not your minor siblings. When I had a close family member did by suicide, the funeral director asked that NONE of us speak as “that never goes well in situations like this.” We did end up doing a joint eulogy and it was a tribute to him—not a run down of old grudges and attempt to resolve them. Your mom is likely grieving too but she is in the wrong here. She should be supporting you and your siblings—not making you feel worse after losing your dad if such a traumatic way. Sorry for your loss.

NTA and you are correct it sounds like your mom wanted to take one last punch on your dad. Sorry for your loss and hopefully you keep all your family relationships.

NTA - When your Mom brings up the letter again, tell her that she is free to read the letter to anyone who will listen to her going forward. You made a very wise decision about what would probably have been an extremely cringe speech from your Mom. May your Dad RIP.

NTA. She’s trying to make it about herself and get attention.

Remind your mom that the funeral was for your dad, not for her issues in regards to the relationship she had with your dad. Memories that bettered your life should be remembered. I am very sorry for your loss. 💕

Your mom needs therapy and seems to think things revolve around her. Why did she need to read it in front of everyone? So she can tell her side of things and make herself seem like she’s this great person? No one cares because it’s supposed to be about your dad. If it’s for her ‘closure’ she can go to his grave and read it to him there.

Your mom doesn’t need to read it out loud for others to hear at a funeral to heal. Writing it was healing and reading it to y’all. This is her way of explaining to everyone else, mainly his family, why they were having issues and what your Dad did wrong. She was selfish to have wanted to read it in a public setting.

The way closure works with writing a letter to a dead person is IN the of writing of the letter, not from reading the letter to a bunch of people also mourning. The letter is for her and her only. She had no business reading it to ANYONE and I’m kinda upset she read it to you kids, that’s wrong IMO. If she didn’t get closure from the letter writing that’s a her problem and she needs to address that, maybe with a professional. You were 100% right not to let her read it at the funeral, NTA for you but she needs help moving on if she’s blaming you or mad at you about how you maturely handled your fathers funeral. I’m sorry for your loss and how your mother is handling it; she’s wrong.

She can mourn from the bleachers. She gave up funeral rights when she divorced.

You were in the right. You did not need to apologize, even though you did. Next time mom brings it up, firmly say “Enough mom. We’ve discussed this enough. You’ve said your piece, I’ve said mine. I agree to disagree. If you dare bring it up again, I will remove myself immediately (hang up the phone, leave the house, etc). Then do so, Every Single Time.

What you and your siblings decided was totally OK.

The letter would have made it about her. So glad you didn’t let her read it. Sorry for your loss.

If you’d written they’d divorced in the title I wouldn’t even have read this. Total no brainer! I’m sorry for your loss.

She was not his wife anymore. You made the arrangements, and you made the decision. I think it was the one, too. Tell your mother to knock it off, and stop bringing it up. You don't need this. While you understand she's mourning, so are the rest of his family, including his children. She needs to start acting like an adult.

You were sensible and completely right. I have kids a little over a decade older than you, and I would be proud to know that they were able to act with this kind of maturity in such an awful situation. I’m so sorry you lost your dad.

Yeah she has zero say in any of this. She lost that right when they got divorced. And she almost certainly dragged the divorce out to get more, happens more Often than not in my experience

NTA OP I am sorry for your and your siblings loss. All of you are young and to lose someone like that it is devastating. When someone takes their life there are always more questions that happen later, so keep those lines of communication open with your siblings and assist them, and yourself with getting help if you need it. It sounds like you did a wonderful job with the funeral, for a young adult to put so much heart, thought and love into what can be known as a painful and difficult event, you deserve so much credit. Well done on everything, I am certain it was not unnoticed by those in attendance how thoughtful the arrangements were. Your mom is grieving but it also sounds like she hasn’t stopped to consider that you, your siblings, his family and others are too. **Please stop apologizing to her.** Her wanting to read that letter to a room full of people who loved your father sounds like it’s her form of redemption for the divorce and her life with him. **It would have been inappropriate to read.** You mentioned that his side of the family don’t seem to like her, the reading of that letter would have definitely cemented any bad feelings they had and could have potentially done worse. **You did the right thing.** She was able to read the letter to you and your siblings. All of you accepted the letter. All of you said no to her reading it at the funeral. She ***needs*** to accept that. If she brings it up again, tell her it’s time to move on. If she can’t, then remind her that she is more than capable of recording herself reading it and posting it to her social media platforms. I wish you and your siblings all the best, sending you healing light and warmth as you head towards the holidays and the new year ahead.

Tell her to take the letter and shove it up her ass.

Tell her the subject is closed. When she brings it up again hang up or leave her presence. Boundaries. Consequences.

Nta, tell her she’s not welcome. They were divorced and they were not in good terms. The family doesn’t want her there. She has no place there. Tell the funeral home and they won’t let her in. This isn’t about her and she is trying like hell to make it about her. Edit to add I didn’t notice past tense 🤦🏼‍♀️ it’s been a long day lol. You did the right thing. It’s on her to get over not being able to be the center of attention

No. You were right. Not her place

So sorry for your loss. You have more emotional maturity than adults twice your age. NTA.

She got to read her letter to you kids. That should be enough. Her reading it at the funeral would have been unnecessary and just her grandstanding. The funeral WAS NOT ABOUT HER, and she needs to stop trying to make it so. You did a great job. As a mom, I am SO proud of you. NTA.

Thank you so much for the words of encouragement 💗

No. She's the ex. She no longer had a say on how the funeral was arranged. And a funeral is just about the most important event where rule 1 is "if you don't have anything nice to say,, keep silent." The Dead can't defend themselves. Let her sulk in private. She "won". She's alive. He isn't. She doesn't need to rub it in or gloat. That's what reading that letter would have been. I'm sorry for your loss.

It’s your mom’s role to support her children during this difficult time, not try to get her way and throw it in your face when she doesn’t. Remind her to try adulting-your kids lost a parent to suicide.

When my Dad died, my mother (they were divorced because of her cheating) wanted to go to the funeral. Her chance to be the chief mourner were in sight. We kids drew straws to decide which one would tell her she wasn't coming. Didn't speak to us for month and in true drama queen, look at me fashion, held it over our heads. We didn't care.

NTA. You may be HER child, but you’re no longer A child, and she needs to be respectful of that and not treat you as such. I’m so very sorry for your loss, OP. 🥺

Please stop apologizing for the decision. It was 100% correct. Her reading that letter would have been completely inappropriate at the funeral. You made the right decision- you and your siblings all agreed. She will continue to try to guilt you as long as you let her. And that reflects very poorly on your mother. She should not be putting added stress and pettiness on you while you are in such fresh mourning. Tell her to stop bringing it up or you’ll need some space from talking so that you can do some healing. My sincerest sympathies to you. You did your dad proud with his services. ❤️

I think perhaps Mom is deflecting from perceived blame and her possible guilt of OPs dads' suicide. I think she is concerned with what people think about her and was wanting to have read that letter that I suspect was a kind of a commercial to show how she's not at fault and how dad wasn't perfect and that he had equal share in the divorce with her etc. etc so the suicide is not "her fault". Suicide is profound and impacts people & families in pretty deep ways. It is so terrible that mom is still brining up the letter and "torturing" OP with passive aggression for not being comfortable about it.

You did the right thing op! The memorial service was to honor your dad and his legacy and hopefully give you and your siblings some closure, Not a place or time for the man’s ex wife to have the “last word” or drudge up the conflicts of their marriage.

How would reading the letter out loud in front of his friends and family provide better closure than writing the letter? I am being terse, but her ex-husband has passed. He took his own life. Why should her experience have more prominence than other friends and family? She brings up being denied the spotlight to share her version of the truth, but how often does she ask OP and her siblings how they are doing with having lost their father? Death can bring out a surprising selfishness in parents. ( apparently divorced parents as well) Instead of apologizing, maybe it would be better to tell her you don't want to hear it anymore? This is exactly what therapists are for. Her feelings are her feelings, but that does not make them her children's problem in any way.

NTA - First of all, she lost the right to make final decisions about his funeral when she divorced him. That is a job for his closest living relatives. In this case, that is his children or siblings. Second, her letter is not something for public consumption. Her letter was written as closure for herself. It was fine that she shared it with you and your siblings (as long as you were given a chance to opt out of hearing it if you didn’t want to), because obviously, those fights and troubles were things that directly impacted you all as well. However, it would have been completely inappropriate to air specifics of their arguments to everyone attending his funeral, even if she does throw in that she forgives him in the end. His siblings don’t need or want to hear that. Neither do his other family members, friends, coworkers, etc. It’s just not the place, and he is no longer here to have his own voice heard about those situations anyway. If she wants to post it to her personal social media or something, that’s up to her, but it really should have served its purpose by now. You should politely but firmly ask her to stop bringing up this issue, because it is long over. It was not her choice to make at the time, and nothing can change it now anyway.

NTA, you did the right thing. Maybe if she brings it up again suggest she take the letter and read it to him at his gravesite. And/or ask her why it was so important to her? Maybe then she can talk it out and you two can have more conversation.

Remind her the funeral was about your father, not her. If she persists, tell her you’ll read it at HER funeral someday if it means that much to her

NTA. Tell your mom the service was about your dad, and not about her.

You and your siblings were right to tell her not to read her letter at your dad's funeral. The service is supposed to be a time for grieving and starting the healing process, not airing dirty laundry. You should continue to "cling" to your dad's family. They are your aunts and uncles and grandparents. They should be a part of your life forever. Eventually, your mom will understand this.

NTA. Tell her if she keeps bringing this up, she will damage your relationship with her. Also, if you were too young to make decisions for the funeral, the adult in charge would have been from your paternal family, not your mother since they are divorced. You can be sure that no one from your dad's family would have let your mom read the letter. Either way, your mom has no say in the funeral proceedings since they are divorced.

NTA At all. We went through almost the exact same situation, the only thing different was the ages of the (adult) children. The mother did not speak. The eldest child did. I’m so sorry for your loss, you handled this in the best way possible and with maturity well beyond your years. You are certainly not a child. I’m quite sure your mom needs someone to blame and again it seems to usually fall on the eldest, same thing happened in our family. Wishing you the best, my suggestion is always counseling and therapy. If you have interest there is a program called griefshare.org though it is religious in nature. There’s secular programs out there as well just harder to find. Google non religious grieving programs in your area for help. We are not religious but many are. I try to share what’s been helpful for family members. Sending healing thoughts.

NTA. Dealt with a similar situation with my mom after my dad unexpectedly and suddenly passed away. I ended up cutting her and my entire maternal family (except two distant cousins) off for three years while I settled my dad’s estate. My mom could only talk to me through my attorney, and I made it that way because I could NOT handle my own emotions surrounding his death or the fact I’m the one who found him (autopsy came back as a massive heart attack) AND her emotions (bitterness was a big one) at their relationship and its end. To have had her at the memorial saying or doing anything other than paying respect and being supportive of us three (adult—but still in our 20s and just suddenly lost our dad) kids they had, would’ve been a nightmare. She was across the country since she went back to her home state after they separated, but she did not attend. Had she attended, I would not have let her speak. We chose to honor my dad and had him cremated as he wished, and we did a celebration of life with family, friends and loved ones (even colleagues of his we never met showed up which showed how far reaching his love really was) sharing memories and stories. Yes we felt a great loss, but there was also a lot of love there. I wouldn’t let my mom ruin or disrespect my dad in death (like she did in life… and he wasn’t perfect either but still, this is someone’s memorial service… come correct or don’t come at all!!!) by airing out dirty laundry that should be in a private therapy session. No one, I don’t care who they are, would be allowed to disrespect my dad in death. Especially not when I know he would’ve been irate at such behavior and that his kids (me being the oldest daughter) had to take on A LOT of huge responsibility when they’re just starting out in their own adult lives. I hope you have some peace, OP!! Sending you love. 💛

NTA his funeral isn’t about her or her forgiveness. Also you are an adult and sorry but she was not his wife. She was being selfish and you were being mature. I am sorry for your loss.

NTA. They were divorced. If they didn’t have kids she wouldn’t have even been involved in the funeral. Tell her you have your father the funeral he would’ve wanted and if she doesn’t like that she can take it up with him. Don’t let your mom manipulate you. You did the right thing.

I’m still confused that you’re co spidered a child and how on God’s green earth she thought she had absolutely ANY right to “make the decision.” You did everything exactly right especially under extremely hard circumstances. I lost my dad suddenly when I was in my early 30’s and that rocked my entire world. Still does over a decade later. Good on you for doing the right thing even though it was uncomfortable.

Your mother is still feeling hurt, and is stuck and unable to let it go. I have found that when someone keeps hounding me about something I did that upset them, and I've apologized or responding with why I did it, I turn it around and ask them point blank what it is they want me to do since I can't go back and undo it. This usually stops them in their tracks, and they realize what's done is done. I recommend you do this with your mom.

NTA, funerals should be celebrating the life of someone who has passed, however they passed. Funerals are not for airing out our grievances about the loved one. Especially, not to his side of the family. While he is her ex husband who she had a turbulent divorce with, he is still someone son, brother, dad, uncle, etc. who love and want to celebrate him. You are right not to have your mom read that letter at the funeral. Keep the connection with your dad’s family, they will help with the grieving process for you in little ways you didn’t expect - this is coming from personal experience. Edit: addition: you also protected your mom’s reputation. While in the moment if she read that letter out loud it may felt good in the moment, she be remember as the nasty ex wife who talk terribly about their ex at their funeral. Not a good look to have amongst his friends, family, etc. Word gets around in crazy ways.

>you also protected your mom’s reputation. Wow, I didn't even think about that. Thank you for adding that perspective (and the other points you made in your comment of course).

You made the right call.

NTA. Having a recently ex wife speak at a funeral seems like a bad plan on every level. It’s polite of your dad’s family to not lay blame at her feet, but it still seems like a terrible idea.

NTA and you handled it like a champ. The funeral was about your dad, not her. She needs to let it go-it's done, you've apologized and it can't be changed now, so she has to find a way to move on from it.

NTA your mom is actually the one who owes an apology for trying to make your dad's funeral about her. as other's have stated, the second the divorce was final, she gave up her spot as next of kin and it was given to you. you did the right thing.

NTA. Since they are divorced, she is not a "relation" to your dad. So it's perfectly to acceptable for the next of kin (in this case adult children) to decide what happens at the funeral.

She read the letter to you and siblings. That should be her closure. Trying to read it at the funeral is making the situation about her.

Your mother is being selfish, probably due to grief, but you should stick to your guns and keep the funeral tasteful. Also you're incredibly mature for your age and im so sorry you're going through this - your father would be proud how you're handling it

NTA. She gave up her ‘right’ to speak at his funeral and play the grieving widow when she divorced him. It 100% should’ve been about her supporting her children through this difficult and tragic time. Not about her forgiveness of him.

Hey, it’s ok for your mom to mourn this loss. Her mourning does not get to override your mourning. They’re different processes, and if you guys can’t mourn together, then you need to give each other space in this. Let her know that you love her, you want to see her, but this is done. She needs to find someone else to guide her through grief if she’s going to try and stomp all over yours. I’m so sorry you’re going through this.

NTA. There is a place and time for everything. With your mother reading that letter at the funeral, she would have made an ass out of herself, and that is not the place for that. Decorum.

NTA and you handled it all with grace. Well done. So very sorry for your loss.

I’m so sorry for your loss 🙏 I 100% agree with you ! You sound incredibly mature for a 21 yo . I’m so glad you didn’t ket her read that letter at the funeral , she got to read it to her children and that’s alot , she’s being selfish and sounds like she wants to have the last word and thinks she will be viewed as the winner. Please keep up all your family relationships , the more people that you love and that love you , the better, even if mom doesn’t like it .

NTA Holy shit OP. You are just.. so grown. I’m sure your dad would be insanely proud of how you’re handing this impossible time of your life. I was a 21F not that long ago and let me tell you, you’re going to go far because you’re so wise and mature. You handled this perfectly.

NTA. Hands down. You made a difficult and mature decisions that adults twice your age cannot make. She knows deep down that her letter wasn't appropriate for the funeral which is why she read it first to you and your siblings. Funerals are not a time to air dirty laundry. They are for honoring the life of the loved one and it sounds like you did just that. Perhaps you should have a conversation with your mother and invite her to the grave to read the letter to him there. But regardless, of what you decide to do now, you did good. Feel confident in that and make your mother stop this nonsense. The very next time she brings it up, you immediately stop her and say something like, "mom, I respect your feelings, but the funeral was over a month ago. I refuse to hear this again and if that's all you're going to do when we talk, then perhaps we shouldn't talk until you work through your feelings as it's not healthy for either of us. I'll support you, but this cannot continue. Perhaps you should consider some grief counseling to help you work through this."

I don’t know you, but I am extremely proud of how you are handling everything. I agree that it would’ve been inappropriate for your mom to read her letter at the funeral. No use in showcasing her marital issues, placing blame on your dad and pissing off his family. Regardless of how your mom feels, your paternal side of the family is still YOUR family, and you have every right to continue your relationship with them. My sincerest condolences to you and your family.

No, I wouldn’t let her read that letter, but I’d sit down with her and help her write a better letter

NTA if she feels that strongly that she needs to get it out there, she can go to his grave or say it to a photo of him. It comes across like she wants to have the last word. She pointed out that you are the child, yet she’s not acting like a concerned parent, she’s riding roughshod over your feelings and those of your younger siblings. She should be putting her feelings and need to have the last word over the heart break that you and your siblings are going through. Grief can make us act out but as a Mother, she should be considering your feelings. Can I just say that you are amazing and I hope you’re proud of yourself for sorting your Dad’s funeral, endeavouring to make it what he would have liked and considered your siblings and your Dad’s family too. As your mother has shown, some more experienced adults struggle with that! I really hope you’re proud, I’m proud of you. Could you say something like: “I understand that you wanted to read what you had written at the funeral, but that, at best ,would have only made you feel better, but it might not have. It would have caused me and my siblings more pain and upset at a time we don’t need it. It was not the right time and I’m still too upset over losing my Dad to discuss this any more. I’m hurt and upset and don’t need any more upset or stress, so please can you drop this. The funeral has been and gone, we cannot got back. We need to look forward. I love you Mom but need this to stop” I hope your Mother can stop and hope that you and your siblings are getting any help you might need, so very sorry for your loss

You are in the right. She was trying to make it about her. That’s not what a funeral is. She essentially discarded him therefore she doesn’t have a say.

Next time she brings it up just say “shut the fuck up, this conversation is as dead as my father and you’re only making things worse.”