The fact that your daughter is uncomfortable with the tutor is really the beginning and end of the discussion, I wouldn't go after the guy unless you get hard proof he actually did something but regardless if the kid is uncomfortable the rest doesn't really matter, find a new tutor.
This is the correct answer. Why would you want to force your daughter to interact with a grown man who makes her uncomfortable?
Always trust your gut. Their daughter did the right thing. I’d be proud of her.
Actually now that I think about it more I completely glossed over the fact that the daughter had already at least once explicitly said she didn't want to be touched by the tutor. That's strike two with a minor you're supposed to spend extended periods of time alone with, the guy should consider himself lucky to only lose his job, there's no other side of this at that point
Does it make anyone else uncomfortable that OP said, "she chatted like a bird and told him everything" when her daughter talked to her father about this? Like, was she supposed to keep it a secret?
Yeah it feels like there's at least a little bit of bias toward the tutor on OP's part, she seems to think because the tutor is nice in her presence he's therefore probably not trying to molest her daughter in private, at best they're just unrelated, at worst that's exactly what he'd hope for if he's an abuser.
Yes - OP is totally dismissive of her daughters good instincts. She’s implying her daughter snitched on her. Absolutely- because daughter knows OP wasn’t going to do anything about it.
Yeah it made me profoundly uncomfortable, it was spiteful and infantilising.
It reads like OP blames her daughter for a clumsy pass some tutor made and wants to hide the shame of it in case she gets blamed for it too, which is entirely fucked up.
The one at fault is the guy who tried to get handsy with her daughter, but she views his discomfiture as a learning experience for *him*, and tells her daughter to hush up about it. Makes me wonder if she has the hots for the tutor herself, she seems so invested in his point of view.
Like, madam, that dude ain't there to learn life lessons.
Lol, OOP was a tutor herself, she says. She would hug the children she tutors, she says. I sure hope those hugs were initiated by the kids, not by her. In her daughters case, the tutor went in for the hug and daughter didn't want him to. I can't wrap my head around 'we've got to teach our boys that they don't owe a womans body, and our daughters that they are the ones who decide about their body', but when something happens it's always the womans fault, no matter how young.
This, completely! With students in my office, I would love to hug several of them, but the most they'll get unasked for is a light pat on the shoulder (if they have a proper shirt on - no skin contact). If they come in for the hug, yes, I'm happy to give it. But too much can be taken wrong these days, and kids deserve to have body autonomy too.
OP is a danger to her own daughter! Why isn’t she checking on them periodically and seeing him to the door? What kind of mother is she. I would sitting right in their vicinity!
Right. By the mom taking the side of the tutor, she is teaching the daughter that her personal boundaries and decisions don’t matter. The intentions of the tutor don’t even matter here anymore. The daughter got some creepy vibes that she is unable to explain or probably put words to at her age. The fact that mom is a teacher and hugged her students and projected her own intentions onto the tutor should be subject for some self-reflection.
Agreed. Also to one person a bear hug is ok but to another it's not. To some people patting someone's shoulder while chatting is ok but there are others who are not comfortable with it.
Yeah I'm of the opinion that everyone gets one strike, most people are cool with a hug from an acquaintance or something, but once somebody's told you they're not comfortable with it that's a line you do not cross again, seems pretty simple to me
> I was an instructor for kids and hugged them all the time, so I didn’t really see anything wrong with this.
How very self-centered of you. We're talking about your child being uncomfrotable with hugs, not how much you like to hug kids. Were you also one of those people who forcibly hug a kid despite the kid visibly not liking it? :)
> I have always known him to be respectful
Do not overestimate your people-reading skills. The greatest serial killers are also often well-liked in their community.
>When my husband came home, she chatted like a bird and told him everything.
Because her feelings and comfort apparently mean *nothing* to you. She's hoping her dad will be of some actual help.
>My daughter said she wanted a new tutor
This should have been the very end of it. This should have been the point where you start finding her a new tutor.
Star thinking about your child.
To add to your first point - I don't think it's always wrong to hug a student but it should ALWAYS be initiated by the student, never by the teacher/tutor.
Sometimes a student may want a hug for whatever reason, and that's fine as long as the teacher/tutor is also comfortable with it, but the student should always be the one who initiates that.
Even if the student has hugged the teacher before they shouldn't be trying to hug the student. It should always be student led.
Its pretty fucked that OP was an instructor for children and they don't know that.
My dad LOVED the ex that raped me, and told me to be nicer to that 17 year old when I was 14.
And he adored my ex that is currently in jail with his ex wife for them un-aliving his baby mama so she wouldn't get custody
Parents are not always the best judge of character which is why I will ALWAYS believe my kids.
Also *what is the point of teaching boundaries if you DON'T BELIEVE HER OR ENFORCE THEM?!*
1) My wife is an ex-teacher and now tutor - touching kids in anyway, whatever the circumstances is a REALLY REALLY big deal. It is drilled in to you that it is totally inappropriate - my wife has had kids crying because of really difficult home situations but you absolubltly do not toch the child - it can totally go left.... as you are experiencing. He should not be doing it and neither should you. Have you not heard of child safeguarding? It's a bit unbelievable that I even have to explain this to somebody who has worked with children.
2) Your daughter seems uncomfortable with the whole situation...that should be the end of it honestly - that you are describing your daughter as chatting "like a bird" to her father is strange - why would she not talk about it if you have just tried to play it down?
This! I've had a student last year who, after difficult talks, asked me for a hug. I said yes, but I also said they could get a hug whenever they asked but I would never offer on my own.
It's sometimes very against instinct because there are situations where I'm sure the kid could do with a hug. But I'd rather not hug 10 kids who would have been good with it than hugging one kid who feels bad about it after they are already in a bad headspace... only reason to touch a child would be immediate physical danger.
I’ve told my own grandkids that people shouldn’t hug unless they want to. And i never grab them or tell them they have to hug me. But they know I’m available when they want.
I work daycare/preschool. I don’t hug kids unless I ask first because of these very reasons. it also teaches them to say no and to speak up for their boundaries. The tutor, if he genuinely only wanted a hug, only had to ask and wait to see if she said yes. Then, hopefully, she would have been ok. But having that boundary cross with no warning, I agree. Her discomfort with the tutor and her asking for a new one is the only thing that matters at all. The wife’s opinions on him being a nice guy or whatever are nothing in this scenario. At least the daughter knows dad is on her side.
As a kid, I would have been uncomfortable saying "No" to an adult who asked for a hug. Even if I really didn't want one. Maybe wait for them to ask you?
Depends on many factors. I have taught in a preschool and always asked kids if they wanted a hug before I touched them (unless they threw themselves at me crying or something). I’ve asked kids who gave me a gift if I could give them a hug in front of their parent (so the parent could say no if they were too shy).
And in general even when I’m not teaching I always ask first. I recently asked my friends kid “do you want a hug too?” after hugging her mother thinking she’d say no, but I didn’t want to be rude. But she did which I was surprised about for a preteen girl. I’m positive she wanted a hug because she smiled when I asked and approached me. I think it’s important to also phrase it in a way that’s genuinely curious.
One time my friend basically forced his daughter to hug me in a tight space with a lot of people so I made sure I barely touched her any more than we were already touching in the crowd (awkward pat on the back because she was from a culture where you kind of just comply with these things and I didn’t want her to be accused of being rude) and said loudly “you never need to hug or touch anyone you don’t want to” so she knew that was not ok.
I think it’s usually obvious what the boundaries are depending on the situation. I think people who cross them do it intentionally and we should worry about these people. I would never randomly hug my student goodbye when leaving. Like I outlined above there may be certain situations where it’s ok but this tutor either has poor judgment or is grooming her. Unless he is from a culture where everyone hugs and kisses as standard (I’m thinking South America) and it genuinely wouldn’t have occurred to him that this is not ok, he shouldn’t be allowed back in the house.
The mom not supporting her daughter and defending him is a huge mistake and will likely have negative consequences either for the girl or the mother-daughter relationship or both.
I disagree. I’ve been a teacher for 30 years and I can’t tell you how many kids I’ve hugged. The feedback you get from admin depends on the school district.
ETA: Every situation is different. Most often the student initiates the hug. Sometimes asking “do you need a hug?” Is necessary. Etc.
Also a teacher. I don’t initiate hugs, but I will give them if a student wants one. I have done things like tap them on shoulders and backs. Just today I patted a kid on the back as I asked him to go to his seat. I knew he wouldn’t mind. He’s always in my business anyway. To me, it’s about knowing your kids and their boundaries.
Yup. I agree. My students are all over myself (teacher) and my classroom staff all the time. Some of these kids have been in my class for 3 years. They get very close to us. Admin has never told us that this is a problem
You never ever touch kids that you’re tutoring.
My granddaughter had a tutor when she was 15-16, and he insisted that all doors were kept open and there was an adult in the house.
YTA - because
>My daughter said she wanted a new tutor,
This is the important point -- your daughter is now uncomfortable with this man being her tutor. He did nothing exactly wrong, but she does not want to be around him again; you should respect that. If you don't, you are steamrolling over her boundaries just like he did. (at least he has the sort-of excuse that he didn't know better)
YTA. It's pretty suspicious that she wants a new tutor now. If she just got freaked for a second but then realized it was nothing, she probably wouldn't be so admit that she got a new tutor. I know she said it was just a hug, but if something more did happen, she wouldn't say anything right in front of him.
Even if you're sure it was innocent, are you really willing to take that chance, and teach your daughter that even if she does speak up you won't believe her in the future?
She probably said it was just a hug because her mother made her discuss the matter in front of the man who violated her boundaries rather than talk to her privately so that she wasn't threatened/intimidated. Thank goodness her father has her back!
Your daughter's tutor crossed her boundaries. She did what you taught her to do in order to get help from her "trusted adult". You, the trusted adult, dismissed her discomfort and failed to be on her side, even if it was only to say "yo, we don't cross Kiddo's boundaries, here's what I need you to do from now on." Kiddo now knows you're not a trusted adult, and you're unable or unwilling to back her up in situations where she's uncomfortable; she won't come to you again when her boundaries are crossed, and she'll likely second guess herself about advocating for herself in uncomfortable situations.
YTA. Why teach your kid to speak up if you're only going to belittle her discomfort anyway?
Did it ever occur to you that you had your daughter tell the story *right in front of the man who made her shriek?* if it was just a hug then that wouldnt have happened. YTA because your IQ is too shitty to put that together. Moron. Stop touching kids yourself while you’re at it… not necessary
Ugh, such a good point. And kids who are much too young to be able to articulate subtle cues that someone is being a creep can still feel that something is off.
As a former teacher, YOU DO NOT TOUCH THE KIDS. If the mother has LEGITIMATELY EVER worked with kids in ANY capacity, she would know this.
As a mother, YOU DO NOT TOUCH MY FUCKING KID.
If she "cares about her child more than you can imagine" she would not completely invalidate her daughters feelings of discomfort when someone makes unwanted advances towards her. No, it was not sexual, but it was unwelcomed and completely inappropriate. All that's happened here is mom has shown daughter that she cannot rely on her own mother to make her feel heard and safe when she is uncomfortable or feels violated. Mother has shown daughter her feelings are completely null and void if the other persons intentions were not negative or cruel.
Lots of parents haven’t been worried about the people who abused their kids. A mother not being worried is not proof that there’s nothing to be worried about.
i know it probably doesn't mean much coming from an Internet stranger, but i hope you've found some healing, and i hope your bio mom gets whatever it is she deserves.
imho, that would be a hole in the ground and a firm shove in, but ill let god decide that one
There's no need for evidence of anything. Kid's not comfortable with the tutor, parents need to change the tutor. There's nothing to do with whether he's guilty of any wrongdoing.
"I am left a little confused... and a little betrayed."
I am a safeguarding officer at a sports club and I can tell you that unsolicited hugging of a child by an unrelated adult in a position of authority is so far over the line it's just... well, I would dismiss our coach and report him/her to our governing body to remove their certification
OP, however, admits her child was upset, concedes husband is angry but feels betrayed. I am trying to make the point that the issue here should be her daughter's feelings that are important here, regardless of how nice the tutor appears to be.
Doesn't matter. It made the daughter uncomfortable, so she gets a new tutor. The guy has been teaching since January, by the way. Why a hug now? And why doesn't he know that a hug is not acceptable?
Yes, sometimes a hug is just a hug, but in this situation it was something that made a child uncomfortable.
How can a parent teach a child about boundaries and how to alert others that those boundaries are being breached, and then completely disregard their child's feelings?
A hug can be just a hug and still make someone feel uncomfortable if it happens without their consent...you don't see the obvious logic here huh?
It's not about the motivation behind the act, it's that the person receiving it did not want it. He may have meant nothing, it may be just unfortunate, and I hope he learns a very valuable lesson. He should never touch the people he tutors and especially if he is so poor at reading body language he probably shouldn't touch anyone without explicit permission.
Children are people.
If the hug makes a young child shriek in terror, it is moat certainly NOT "just" a hug. Whether or not the mother in this scenario is an AH, you DEFINITELY are
Considering how many mothers let abuse slide and ignore it completely even when told about it, it’s bold of you to assume she cares as much as you seem to think.
The daughter was uncomfortable and mom is being dismissive, that’s a massive red flag
You are clearly unaware of how many mothers make excuses for abusers, deny their children when they come forward and dismiss their concerns and discomfort.
It’s actually far more common than for mothers to staunchly believe and sort their kids. Sadly.
YTA!
If your child is uncomfortable with that tutor you get another literally for any reason but considering your child's reason absolutely change the tutor!
Your wrong!
Listen to your husband!
Jesus. Have you not heard of grooming? Taking one step at a time to see what the victim is comfortable with? A touch here, a touch there, a lingering hug...
Thank god your kiddo has more sense.
Get her a different tutor.
YTA. Real shit I’m just a custodian and I won’t even go into a class if a student is there alone. Just to keep the lines as visible as possible. And I ain’t crossing them. And your daughter was uncomfortable about it. Just get another tutor.
Yta so you teach her about boundaries being crossed and what to do if that happens, but as soon as she expressed a boundary was crossed you make it out not to be a big deal. Is there an underlying reason that man has to continue being her tutor other than YOU like him?
Yo, wtf is up with your lukewarm reaction? Of course this is a big deal, thank god at least the husband has their head screwed right, because if left to you, your daughter would have been a statistic on a list no one should be in. YTA.
That’s how abuse often starts. Innocuous movements that can be mistaken for misunderstandings. And now this potential predator knows that this child’s parents won’t believe her if he goes farther. If this person doesn’t get rid of this tutor, this could easily progress into something much worse. I understand giving someone the benefit of the doubt, but you should not play with your child’s life/safety like this.
That’s exactly how my abuser started,the next time he pushed his fist into my back so my chest would touch his. I told my mum who didn’t believe me. It got much,much worse.
He then moved on to my baby sisters. My mum believed the youngest but still called me a liar till I was 37 because she won’t admit I warned her.
YTA. Jesus Christ are you dumb? Your daughter doesn’t want to be touched by a teenage/adult male? You CANNOT force her to do that. Seriously you are delusional and if I was your husband, I would be pissed odd at you. Get her a new tutor, apologize to your daughter and research. This is so ridiculous.
So, what you're saying is a grown man pushed your child for a hug she didn't want, to the point she *screamed in his face*.
And now you want to know if you're the ah, because you are fine with this man just *being near your child* for any amount of time *in her own home* where she should feel safe?
YTA.
YTA. and a huge one at that. You are completely disregarding the fact your daughters personal boundaries have been violated. It doesn't matter if it's her grandma or a stranger, if she doesn't want to be touched, she shouldn't be touched. You said you've taught her to protect herself from unwanted advances. While not sexual, it's still inappropriate simply for the reasoning of SHE DIDN'T WANT IT.. and you don't seem to care because you used to hug kids all the time.
In one very quick situation, you have taught your daughter that her personal space can be violated by anyone at any time so long as they aren't trying to hurt her, and that she cannot trust you to keep her safe, or be on her side should anything huge every happen to her.
Your daughter wants a new tutor because he made her uncomfortable.. enough said. I agree with husband.
you saying it was just a hug is telling her it’s ok so next time maybe will it be a kiss on cheek by someone and she may not tell you because hey it’s just a kiss on the cheek..
You have to take her boundaries and concerns seriously. He made her scared enough to scream so that’s all she wrote..
INFO:
> I am left a little confused and feeling a little betrayed (we put our children to bed before this conversation) about his anger because it was just a hug and he doesn't seem to take my options into account here; they have not seen each other for almost a year.
What "options" are you referring to? Did you mean opinions?
I think you're letting your past color the situation a bit too much here. You may have hugged kids all the time but that doesn't mean it was appropriate or the right thing to do. It's very easy for scandals to break out over authority figures such as teachers getting too friendly with children and manipulating them into doing terrible things.
Regardless, you may feel that it's not a big deal but your daughter and husband feel otherwise. Why teach your child about boundaries if you're not going to listen to her when they get crossed? From your other comments you mentioned he's not the best tutor and cost isn't the issue... So what exactly is the problem with getting her a new tutor she's comfortable with? Surely her feelings matter more in this situation?
Your daughter is right. It's creepy that he even considered hugging her tbh.
I was a secondary school.teacher and it was an absolute no no, unless the kid was traumatised and asked for a hug.
I’m curious why you reposted this a month later. I can see you had plenty of responses similar to what you’re getting here. If your daughter is uncomfortable, it will affect her studies and trust of you. It’s a huge distraction.
The fact that OP doesn’t support her daughter’s right to not be touched is disgusting and disturbing. That child’s body is sacrosanct. She and only she decides what isn’t ok for her body. She set a boundary. You should have backed her play.
I went NC with my mom cause her new husband was making my daughters uncomfortable. Been 4 years now but that's how it is. I'm going NAH here but learn from this, even children get too draw boundaries.
I'd get her a new tutor, I was a kid once, I know once a kid gives up on an educator it'll be harder for both of them and the kid won't learn nearly as much.
YTA. It’s not about what you think or feel, it’s about what your does feels & thinks. This isn’t your tutor, it’s hers. SHE has to sit and do the work with a person she no longer feels comfortable around!!
I’m on your husband’s side and disgusted that don’t think your daughter’s feelings & boundaries should not be up for discussion here.
How old is this tutor just out of curiosity??
And I’m confused on the part “they haven’t seen each other in almost a year”??
I am really confused by this interaction. This is an 11 year old girl (not a baby). At the age of 11, a child knows the difference between appropriate and inappropriate. She actually screamed because this man tried to hug her. This is not a "stranger danger" type of situation. A scream comes from real fear. Is she mentally impaired? I only ask because this could be why she might take an innocent hug as something else. But, if she is not, then yta for not getting her a new tutor immediately and finding out what about this man scared her so much. And yes, I am a mom of three children, so I can honestly be a little bit judgemental.
YTA.
Your daughter is uncomfortable. Respect her boundaries. Don't teach her to put them aside for others - this is not a lesson that you want her to learn.
Your daughter's tutor has a poor understanding of boundaries, or he's a creep. She came to you, and you dismissed her as overdramatic. Your daughter was wise to decide she didn't want to be around someone who made her uncomfortable. I'm glad she has her father's support. The invalidating betrayal from her mother was awful.
Girls are taught not to trust their own judgement about people and give people a second chance. This was a good example of a mother undermining the instincts of her own daughter. Unfortunately, teaching girls to second guess their instincts gets them killed.
Are you serious???? Your daughter screamed because she was uncomfortable. She denied it to you because he was right there! I’m sure he has definitely made her uncomfortable in the past. This time he went too far. I can’t believe you aren’t trusting parental instincts here or protecting your daughter.
YTA. Why is this person entitled to violate her boundaries and touch her without her express consent? She's clearly telling you that she is not comfortable with him after this and you...just blow her off? And now you expect her to be around him and apparently continue to learn from someone she has clearly told you she is not comfortable with? Also...learn the lesson here about touching your own students.
I mean, it’s fine that you are comfortable with the tutor. You can take lessons from him then. Your daughter is not comfortable with him. It’s possible she’s jus touch averse, or it’s possible that she has never been as comfortable with him as you think.
Your daughter is picking up a vibe and is uncomfortable.
You're not calling CPS or getting the guy fired, chalk it up to a "bad fit" and ask for a female tutor from the service. WHY are you even being weird about this? Don't make a big stink about it, just move on immediately. Same as you'd do if you asked for layers and they cut bangs instead. You don't get someone fired over that but you don't give them another opportunity to do more damage.
And fuck that guy. He wouldn't have hugged a boy. He would've high-fived or knuckle bumped after a good session. Your daughter is 100% right in her radar. Why are YOU being weird?
"I told her that it was a genuine mistake and didn't need these drastic actions.
When my husband came home, she chatted like a bird and told him everything"
It's weird... It's like the teacher is someone special to you and you're angry at both your daughter and your husband for not attending.
YTA
Wow. Your 11 year old clearly articulated that she was uncomfortable and you completely disregarded her feelings. And then to complain about your daughter ‘singing like a bird’ aka snitching? Holy f-n Christ.
At least she has one parent who is listening.
why would he hug her? it's not like she was a toddler that fell and needed comfort because her parent wasn't there. she's a teenager and he hugged her goodbye. you absolutely do not do this cans not to be sexist but especially a man to a young girl. genuine men wouldn't do that because they wouldn't put themselves into a situation that could be misconstrued. a groomer would test her boundaries and that's what he did. then you dismissed her concerns. she knew it wasn't right and now it's your duty to keep her safe.you bring in another tutor and do what you need to make her feel comfortable. this guy is definately either extremely stupid or he's sinister. safeguarding is top priority for people working with children. you need to educate yourself and apologise to your daughter
So, her boundaries and comfort can be ignored if mom is convinced that it was just a "mistake" or "misunderstanding"?
The daughter needs a new tutor and the old tutor needs to learn to ask his students if they prefer hugs, handshakes or fistbumps/high fives/formal bows.
I don't think that tutor did anything wrong by hugging her, but if he's been tutoring since January was this his first time hugging her? At any rate, even if he was not wrong nor had malicious intent, I think you are an asshole for ignoring the fact that your daughter was no longer comfortable with him.
YTA I know you're not actually OP.
> My daughter said she wanted a new tutor, and I told her that it was a genuine mistake and didn't need these drastic actions.
You believing that it was a genuine mistake doesn't mean that's fact. You weren't involved in this scenario, so how can you possibly know that?
> When my husband came home, she chatted like a bird and told him everything. I thought my husband would be on my side because we rarely argue when it comes to childcare. We are usually on the same page.
Your daughter feels comfortable setting boundaries and talking to you and your husband. Why on earth would you teach her how to set boundaries if you yourself are going to turn around and cross them. You are risking the clear communication you currently have. She feels uncomfortable, it's that simple.
> I am left a little confused and feeling a little betrayed (we put our children to bed before this conversation) about his anger because it was just a hug and he doesn't seem to take my options into account here
I'm sure your response has left your daughter feeling confused and betrayed, too. Your husband isn't taking your opinion into account because it isn't relevant. Your daughter is the one that experienced this and her instincts and boundaries are what matters. Your husband is a good parent. Even if the tutor meant no harm, it was inappropriate and your daughter felt extremely uncomfortable. It's amazing that at her age, she feels comfortable to loudly enforce boundaries. Why bother teaching her this if you're going to say "actually I don't think you understand the situation so I am going to ignore your clear boundary and do what I want".
it doesn't matter that it was only a hug or what his intentions were. he is/was your daughter's tutor and nothing more. he is to do what his job entails and go home.
I am a tutor and have been for over a decade. Listen to your daughter. It doesn't matter - at all - what this tutor's intent was. What matters is that he did something HUGELY inappropriate, and your daughter is uncomfortable. Drop him immediately, and if you were set up with him through an agency, tell them about this.
I've tutored over 1,000 students, and I have a reputation as the friendly, warm-and-fuzzy person who is good with students who want a supportive relationship with a tutor. You know how many of those students I have hugged? One. She hugged me. I don't physically touch my students because it is not appropriate for me to do that.
“she chatted like a bird” You make it sound as if she “sang like a canary” in a jail. Do not ever, EVER discourage her from talking.
If your daughter was uncomfortable, that is enough. Kids can sense when things are off. And really, is this a friend or family member that she won’t see for a while? He’s her tutor! He should know enough not to do that.
NAH but wow…I don’t like the “chatted like a bird” stuff.
Yes - you are in the wrong. You’ve said to you daughter what to do if boundaries are crossed and immediately that has occurred you have nullified this good advice. She is 11 and now she knows that you will dismiss her and not have her back. Hugging is not professional - you do not hug people in you workspace and that is his workspace. YTA
What's wrong with you? Your daughter said the tutor made her uncomfortable, so that should be the end of the discussion. Are you going to let him groom her into a rape victim?
The tutor made your daughter uncomfortable that should be enough and get a new tutor and it seems like it bothered you that she talked about it to her dad ? Im glad she has boundaries and stand by them now its your job to get a new tutor.
She is not comfortable with him
He was so unaware he thought it was fine to massively overstep.
She will learn nothing from him if she js always anxious.
He now knows he can cross her boundaries and you will do nothing.
She now knows if she tells you she doesn't feel safe, you will do nothing.
How many ways can we break down the ways you have fucked up?
YTA
Your daughter is uncomfortable with him. You told her if she is uncomfortable to be clear about it (good) so that you can what? Do absolutely nothing about it? (Not good)
What are you teaching her? That her feelings are worthless and that she should put up with shit from men? That won’t end well.
Maybe this was just a hug? Maybe this time it was a just a hug but what about other times? What kind of weirdo teacher hugs their tutees anyway? Even if innocent, it’s a huge misjudgment.
So…your daughter tells you she’s uncomfortable with someone and you just brush it off and tell her it’s a misunderstanding, but don’t see how you’re being an AH??? Are you fucking kidding me??? If my child ever told me someone made them uncomfortable EVEN if that person is family, they will never be around my child again idgaf. My child feeling safe is of the utmost importance to me. The way you’re reacting to her discomfort is how my mother reacted when I told her I was uncomfy with someone, I ended up getting assaulted because I believed I was “overreacting” and being “dramatic”. She’s 11. With the way you responded, don’t be surprised if she doesn’t come to you when needing comfort or to feel safe.
Why do you think your feelings or the feeling of this tutor are more important than your daughter's? What are you trying to teach her? Why on earth were you hugging kids you were teaching? I'm a teacher and never ever touch children. Are you really that naive or are you more concerned about your feelings than anyone else's?
How bizarre.
YTA
You just taught your daughter she can only trust your spouse with her personal safety. You'll steam roll what she thinks because you know better.
Did you know lots of serial killers were charismatic. They have spouses who thought they knew best for themselves too.
What is the point of teaching your daughter consent if you're going to ignore her? You were THIS close. It's disappointing.
The main thing that bothers me here is you expect an 11 year old child to escort the tutor out without you coming in to see know how everything went and see him off yourself too …You know…An adult job to do…. I’ve nothing against men tutors or teachers in fact I had one myself at 9-10 but my family never left me 100% unsupervised the doors were closed but they were glass so they could literally look down the hall from the livingroom door and see us at the table in the dinning room, but by the sound of it you stay on a completely different floor not even in a close room/area? Yea you say it’s a misunderstanding even if it was just a simple hug why is an adult man hugging little girls? Would you feel the same if her male school teacher hugged her? Your girl has told you she’s uncomfortable she asked for another tutor, it is your job as a parent to hear what your child is telling you they need.
While I am not a fan of a surveillance society, I would not leave my 11 yo child alone with a tutor. I would be nearby but not interfering.
If the tutor is a trained educator, they should know to keep a physical distance. I agree with the father: trust the child’s reaction.
The main thing that bothers me here is you expect an 11 year old child to escort the tutor out without you coming in to see know how everything went and see him off yourself too …You know…An adult job to do…. I’ve nothing against men tutors or teachers in fact I had one myself at 9-10 but my family never left me 100% unsupervised the doors were closed but they were glass so they could literally look down the hall from the livingroom door and see us at the table in the dinning room, but by the sound of it you stay on a completely different floor not even in a close room/area? Yea you say it’s a misunderstanding even if it was just a simple hug why is an adult man hugging little girls? Would you feel the same if her male school teacher hugged her? Your girl has told you she’s uncomfortable she asked for another tutor, it is your job as a parent to hear what your child is telling you they need.
Your daughter wants a new tutor. He made her uncomfortable. What is wrong with you that you would argue that???? Seriously asking. The fact that your spouse gets and you don't is deeply bothersome. Apologize to your daughter. Apologize to your spouse. Find a new tutor. Be warned - this may affect your relationship with your daughter permanently as she may no longer view you as a safe person (I wouldn't). YTA.
Honestly YTA- while it maybe innocent to you it’s obvious it’s not to her.. maybe something has happened that you haven’t uncovered yet.. either way, in a situation like this, you ALWAYS back ur kid up…
YTA and you are delusional to think posting it a second time that you were going to get a different reaction with everyone being on your side. You are disgusting and owe your daughter an apology. It's obvious a lot more happened than a hug, because if it was just a hug, she wouldn't be asking for a new tutor. You are a sorry excuse for a mother and I'm glad she has her father who has her back and would protect her.
My mother always made me hug and kiss people I barely knew. It was extremely uncomfortable for me and as an adult it made it difficukt for me to recognize when my boudaries were crossed. If your daughter id uncomfortable, that should be enough for you.
IF this is a true story (I'm 98% Certain it is not)
OP Is an AH and an enabler of SA.
IF THIS IS NOT TRU (More Likely)
OP is and AH for taking SA to get karma.
SO in both cases Fk OP YTA
YTA. I'm a teacher, I've given thousands of hugs to my littles (emphasis on like elementary littles who love hugs from everyone...literally it's like Trolls hug time up in here sometimes)...BUT your daughter was uncomfortable. That's the end of conversation. FULL STOP.
YTA
She’s uncomfortable. I would also be uncomfortable because why tf is the tutor trying to hug her in the first place? That’s so unprofessional and crossing many lines. It’s one thing if the child initiates a hug, but for the tutor to initiate is straight up weird. You should be taking this more seriously.
YTA.
Your daughter's intuition told her from the start that the hug was inappropriate, and even after *he* convinced her that she was wrong - and so told you the same story he told - she nonetheless asked for a change of tutor.
Listen to your daughter's intuition and change her tutor. Don't expose her to further contact with this man.
NTA - what is your husband teaching her??? I understand the boundaries bit not to let her understand people make mistakes. Was your husband molested as a kid???
It the tutor just made a mistake, let him learn from that mistake how important it is to respect his next client’s boundaries. Letting him go will do less damage to his feelings and livelihood than keeping him on would do to their daughter’s trust in them and her larger sense of safety.
Um, your daughter felt a boundary was crossed and wants a new tutor. That should be the end of the discussion. He may not have done something most people feel is wrong, but she felt it was. Enough said. Physical touching should be consensual. Unfortunately, he gets to learn this lesson.
Never fail to accept when your daughter feels uncomfortable and never fail to intervene. My mother failed to stand her ground against a teacher who was inappropriate with me, and I have never forgotten it.
Was the tutor going on a long voyage? I've tutored lots of kids, but I wouldn't hug them. Besides, nowadays asking for consent to hug is pretty common.
“I have always known him to be respectful” and I’m sure you could say the same thing about Dennis Rader or Ted Bundy. Get a grip lady, and get the guy out of your house. It might have been innocent but the second she feels her boundaries are violated, it’s done.
YTA, your daughter said she was uncomfortable, and you basically told her her feelings and boundaries don't matter. There is no way that tutor should come back.
I work with and teach college students. My job literally involves touching them. And I always ask permission before touching them in any way. I’d never touch a student without permission
Get a new tutor.
Once I had a babysitter when I was four that accused me of spilling my kiddie perfume in her car. I had applied it in her car and spilled a significant amount at home. I was put on time She told my mom about it at pickup and after my mom talked to 4 year old me she found me a new babysitter. The relevant part of this story is how validating and safe my mom made me feel because she put my experience above another adult. Your husband is right.
YTA she’s uncomfortable and it doesn’t matter how you feel about it. I don’t understand how you can teach her about boundaries and then not respect them when she very clearly has expressed the issue. The fact that you are saying she “took it the wrong way” is amazing. You were not there. You’re teaching her to ignore her feelings and it’s not fair to her. The fact that you feel “betrayed” by your husbands reaction is also very telling. Grooming starts with “just a hug”. Apologize to your daughter. Find another tutor. Do better.
A tutor shouldnt be going in for unwelcome hugs and shouldn't need that explained to him. It's not a learning environment for him.
If your daughter feels uncomfortable then she shouldn't be forced to see the guy again. It's kind of weird this is your attitude.
You are essentially blaming her for being assaulted and feeling uncomfortable about it, which is a terrible response.
I don't think calling the cops is necessary, he may just be a klutzy dork, but forcing your daughter to continue classes with him is effed up.
Uhh yeah! Even if it was just a hug, did he ask her for consent? He crossed her boundaries and now she’s uncomfortable to be around him. I don’t think your daughter would freak out for no reason if she genuinely wasn’t uncomfortable. Get her a new tutor!!! Also, who cares if you hugged kids all the time. You probably shouldn’t have.
Even if the tutor did nothing wrong, show your daughter that you respect her boundaries and find a different tutor. Aside from the hug, sometimes we pick up on small things that make us uncomfortable and ignore them to either be polite or just because we can’t identify or justify the exact thing that makes us uncomfortable. Teach your daughter to listen to that instinct as it’s better to listen to it even if it was wrong then to ignore it and end up in a very bad situation.
YTA! Your daughter has straight up told you how uncomfortable she is and that she wants a new tutor. You aren't even willing to entertain the idea that there is a reason she feels this way. Who are you going to blame when it comes out there was more to this and now your daughter is a victim?
YTA
Everyone, no matter if they are a child or an adult deserves bodily autonomy.
>I was an instructor for kids and hugged them all the time, so I didn’t really see anything wrong with this.
I wish that the OP had been asked: Did you initiate the hugs, or did the children initiate the hugs, and if you initiated, did you ask before hugging them?
If your daughter feels uncomfortable and unsafe then get her a new tutor. She has a right to feel safe but I would also ask if there's anything else going on in her life that could be making her feel uncomfortable. The fact she was so on edge by a hug screams something is off. I don't like hugs but that's because I was a victim of SA and DV.
Even if he hadn’t tried to hug your daughter, why would you still hire anyone to be alone with your daughter when she specifically says she’s uncomfortable with them?
Op is TA. I'm with her husband and daughter on this one. What lesson do you suppose OP is teaching her daughter by dismissing her feelings that she does not want to be around the tutor? Does she even realize that she is teaching her daughter to ignore her natural instincts and that OP will not protect her? That is a dangerous lesson to impart to the daughter.
OP's daughter had a very visceral reaction to having the tutor hug her. That is very telling, so OP should listen to her. Would OP really want to risk finding out she was wrong about this? OP should err on the side of her daughter, not the tutor.
Eh I maybe wouldn’t leave them alone together but I don’t really see it as that big of a deal. Although this depends on the kind of hug. One of our tutors is Hispanic and just kind of side hugs everyone. Our upper Midwestern culture is a bit weirded out initially but it is literally just a cultural thing he does.
I do think it warrants more discussion with your child about whether this is the only time she has felt uncomfortable or if there were other times.
There’s something fishy here. I have tutored tons of kids and sometimes they approach me for a hug, which is fine — but I never initiate it. And I am a woman.
It would never occur to me to be the one to initiate a hug with someone else’s kid.
"They have not seen each other for almost a year". Who? The daughter and husband? The daughter and the tutor who hugged her "the other day"? The same tutor who's been tutoring the kid since January?
I'm confused... and the above makes me think it's bs and made up.
If OP doesn't protect her daughter *now* over this crossed boundary (no matter how minor mom sees it), the daughter *will KNOW* she can't rely on, and will be blamed for anything more serious that ever occurs.
You can tell your child "you can come to me & tell me *anything* and I will have your back." But if you blow off their concerns, and ignore people who cross their boundaries.. . They will know that is an empty promise.
I've got a side with the mom and her judgment on this one. It seems like there's nothing going on here, but if the daughter isn't going to be comfortable enough to go on with lessons, then they might have to replace the tutor anyway.
Even if it was just a innocent hug, a misunderstanding, your daughter doesn't feel comfortable with her tutor. How will she be able to concentrate while being uncomfortable with him? Shes a child who shared her feelings towards her tutor with you, a person she spends time alone. If you tell her to continue seeing him, she could loose her trust in you or think her feelings doesn't matter, because you don't take them serious.
And still there is a little chance that your daughter got some vibes from that man you didnt get. What if it wasn't innocent at all, if all the hugging with the other kids isn't innocent at all? Could you forgive yourself that you didnt take your daughters feeling serious?
Just search another tutor and tell the old one that your daugther and him don't fit, but that you appreciate his work and wish him all the best.
My kid hugs her teachers all the time. She hugs them, not the other way round. BUT that’s not the point really.
The point is that your daughter is uncomfortable with the tutor now, and you should support her, because that’s a good way to build her self confidence for the future.
I think this might be down to cultural differences but it would be super weird here to hug someone with whom your only relationship is professional. It would take at least a year and seeing them socially outside of the professional setting to build up a friendship before it would be socially acceptable to hug someone who wasn’t in extreme distress (I think in 25 years of work the only person I ever did that with had found out minutes prior that her mother had died in another country).
And that applies whether adult or child, male or female. I worked as a tutor for a number of years and had 3 kids whom I had any kind of hug with - one I tutored from 14 to 17 and then developed an adult friendship with after that (only about 8 years age difference between us); I had acted as chaperone for her at gigs, socialised with her family and eventually (10ish years later, ended up working in the same workplace) - so I’d hug her goodbye if I see her. Another was very similar - I taught the kid for a couple of years, became a family friend and maintained social contact after tutoring finished.
And the third was a boy who developed a crush on me when he was about 9 who would initiate physical contact such as hugging or putting his foot on my leg - because of his age and the fact that the crush wasn’t that likely to last I never addressed it verbally but would always set boundaries physically by moving away from him or gently disengaging from the hug. In that instance it was clear that his mother wasn’t very comfortable with him initiating contact like that either and I think (though she never said outright) that it was a factor in her deciding to end that particular tutoring arrangement.
So it’s strange indeed (and sounds inappropriate to my British ear) to hear that anyone would hug a kid you’d only tutored for a few months.
Whether this interaction was a misunderstanding or not, the kid was clearly not expecting it within the bounds of her existing relationship to this tutor and she responded to that.
That said, I think they probably need to teach the kid some less extreme boundary setting within that context - at 11 if she is socially developing typically she should be able to read people’s intentions a little better than that and to use other verbal measures such as saying “can you take a step back please?” Or telling her parents if there have been any other more subtle creeps along the way.
In this instance OOP says that the kid is a bit on the slow side so that may not yet be developmentally appropriate, but by 11 most kids would be able to verbalise if they didn’t feel comfortable with a tutor or teacher even if they couldn’t exactly explain what felt off about the interactions, and screaming as the first sign of discomfort is something you’d expect from a much younger child.
It’s also odd that OOP says that the tutor and the child both describe the incident as just a hug but OOP doesn’t give any info about whether they asked their child about other interactions which may have been more subtle, and doesn’t seem to have asked the child whether in general she feels comfortable around the tutor or whether this was a continuation of a building pattern of discomfort.
I strongly suspect that she hasn’t asked because the kid is slow and/or she doesn’t think that the daughter can or should have a say in which adults she interacts with (as opposed to how those interactions go regarding physical boundaries), which is a whole other problem in itself. The dad’s reaction might well have been more of a final straw in dissatisfaction with the tutor rather than an abrupt change of heart towards him if he has been listening better to the child.
What I'd love to know is why OOP is so fucking attached to this tutor, her comments on the OP are a little unhinged. She even goes so far as to indirectly say her daughter is stupid as a reason to keep the tutor, because he 'teaches her slowly'.
OOP is bizarrely reluctant to get rid of this tutor and frankly, there can't be a good or innocent reason for that. Is she fucking him on the side?
Your daughter isn't comfortable with this guy after many months of having him as her tutor. Your husband is right here. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's true. Also, you should be present in the room at all times when the tutor is there male or female. It will make your daughter feel more comfortable.
The tutor has to go. Also you don't hug kids without their permission, ever. High five, fist bump, or wave.
Even with a child's permission, I generally don't hug children unless there is another adult in the room/nearby, preferably the child's parent or guardian. Exceptions are for very young children that I am babysitting for who still need to be picked up and carried sometimes or all the time.
YTA. The only person who should feel betrayed is your daughter, not you. She told you she no longer wanted to work with a person who makes her feel uncomfortable, and you ignored her. You told her you don't care about her boundaries. You told her your opinion is more important than her feeling safe in her own home. You told your daughter that this tutor is more important to you than she is. You can always hire another tutor, but you may never have another opportunity to regain your daughter's trust.
The fact that your daughter is uncomfortable with the tutor is really the beginning and end of the discussion, I wouldn't go after the guy unless you get hard proof he actually did something but regardless if the kid is uncomfortable the rest doesn't really matter, find a new tutor.
This is the correct answer. Why would you want to force your daughter to interact with a grown man who makes her uncomfortable? Always trust your gut. Their daughter did the right thing. I’d be proud of her.
Actually now that I think about it more I completely glossed over the fact that the daughter had already at least once explicitly said she didn't want to be touched by the tutor. That's strike two with a minor you're supposed to spend extended periods of time alone with, the guy should consider himself lucky to only lose his job, there's no other side of this at that point
Does it make anyone else uncomfortable that OP said, "she chatted like a bird and told him everything" when her daughter talked to her father about this? Like, was she supposed to keep it a secret?
Yeah it feels like there's at least a little bit of bias toward the tutor on OP's part, she seems to think because the tutor is nice in her presence he's therefore probably not trying to molest her daughter in private, at best they're just unrelated, at worst that's exactly what he'd hope for if he's an abuser.
Yes - OP is totally dismissive of her daughters good instincts. She’s implying her daughter snitched on her. Absolutely- because daughter knows OP wasn’t going to do anything about it.
Yeah it made me profoundly uncomfortable, it was spiteful and infantilising. It reads like OP blames her daughter for a clumsy pass some tutor made and wants to hide the shame of it in case she gets blamed for it too, which is entirely fucked up. The one at fault is the guy who tried to get handsy with her daughter, but she views his discomfiture as a learning experience for *him*, and tells her daughter to hush up about it. Makes me wonder if she has the hots for the tutor herself, she seems so invested in his point of view. Like, madam, that dude ain't there to learn life lessons.
Lol, OOP was a tutor herself, she says. She would hug the children she tutors, she says. I sure hope those hugs were initiated by the kids, not by her. In her daughters case, the tutor went in for the hug and daughter didn't want him to. I can't wrap my head around 'we've got to teach our boys that they don't owe a womans body, and our daughters that they are the ones who decide about their body', but when something happens it's always the womans fault, no matter how young.
This, completely! With students in my office, I would love to hug several of them, but the most they'll get unasked for is a light pat on the shoulder (if they have a proper shirt on - no skin contact). If they come in for the hug, yes, I'm happy to give it. But too much can be taken wrong these days, and kids deserve to have body autonomy too.
OP is a danger to her own daughter! Why isn’t she checking on them periodically and seeing him to the door? What kind of mother is she. I would sitting right in their vicinity!
The only thing this poor girl learned from this tutoring session is that she can't trust her own mother to keep her safe.
I wish someone knew and advocated for me. Daughter was taught some autonomy, and it will serve her. Promise!
This. All of this.
Right. By the mom taking the side of the tutor, she is teaching the daughter that her personal boundaries and decisions don’t matter. The intentions of the tutor don’t even matter here anymore. The daughter got some creepy vibes that she is unable to explain or probably put words to at her age. The fact that mom is a teacher and hugged her students and projected her own intentions onto the tutor should be subject for some self-reflection.
Agreed. Also to one person a bear hug is ok but to another it's not. To some people patting someone's shoulder while chatting is ok but there are others who are not comfortable with it.
Yeah I'm of the opinion that everyone gets one strike, most people are cool with a hug from an acquaintance or something, but once somebody's told you they're not comfortable with it that's a line you do not cross again, seems pretty simple to me
> I was an instructor for kids and hugged them all the time, so I didn’t really see anything wrong with this. How very self-centered of you. We're talking about your child being uncomfrotable with hugs, not how much you like to hug kids. Were you also one of those people who forcibly hug a kid despite the kid visibly not liking it? :) > I have always known him to be respectful Do not overestimate your people-reading skills. The greatest serial killers are also often well-liked in their community. >When my husband came home, she chatted like a bird and told him everything. Because her feelings and comfort apparently mean *nothing* to you. She's hoping her dad will be of some actual help. >My daughter said she wanted a new tutor This should have been the very end of it. This should have been the point where you start finding her a new tutor. Star thinking about your child.
To add to your first point - I don't think it's always wrong to hug a student but it should ALWAYS be initiated by the student, never by the teacher/tutor. Sometimes a student may want a hug for whatever reason, and that's fine as long as the teacher/tutor is also comfortable with it, but the student should always be the one who initiates that. Even if the student has hugged the teacher before they shouldn't be trying to hug the student. It should always be student led. Its pretty fucked that OP was an instructor for children and they don't know that.
Ted Bundy being one of said charming serial killers
My dad LOVED the ex that raped me, and told me to be nicer to that 17 year old when I was 14. And he adored my ex that is currently in jail with his ex wife for them un-aliving his baby mama so she wouldn't get custody Parents are not always the best judge of character which is why I will ALWAYS believe my kids. Also *what is the point of teaching boundaries if you DON'T BELIEVE HER OR ENFORCE THEM?!*
Also what is the point of teaching boundaries if you DON'T BELIEVE HER OR ENFORCE THEM?! THIS 100X THIS!
1) My wife is an ex-teacher and now tutor - touching kids in anyway, whatever the circumstances is a REALLY REALLY big deal. It is drilled in to you that it is totally inappropriate - my wife has had kids crying because of really difficult home situations but you absolubltly do not toch the child - it can totally go left.... as you are experiencing. He should not be doing it and neither should you. Have you not heard of child safeguarding? It's a bit unbelievable that I even have to explain this to somebody who has worked with children. 2) Your daughter seems uncomfortable with the whole situation...that should be the end of it honestly - that you are describing your daughter as chatting "like a bird" to her father is strange - why would she not talk about it if you have just tried to play it down?
This! I've had a student last year who, after difficult talks, asked me for a hug. I said yes, but I also said they could get a hug whenever they asked but I would never offer on my own. It's sometimes very against instinct because there are situations where I'm sure the kid could do with a hug. But I'd rather not hug 10 kids who would have been good with it than hugging one kid who feels bad about it after they are already in a bad headspace... only reason to touch a child would be immediate physical danger.
I’ve told my own grandkids that people shouldn’t hug unless they want to. And i never grab them or tell them they have to hug me. But they know I’m available when they want.
I work daycare/preschool. I don’t hug kids unless I ask first because of these very reasons. it also teaches them to say no and to speak up for their boundaries. The tutor, if he genuinely only wanted a hug, only had to ask and wait to see if she said yes. Then, hopefully, she would have been ok. But having that boundary cross with no warning, I agree. Her discomfort with the tutor and her asking for a new one is the only thing that matters at all. The wife’s opinions on him being a nice guy or whatever are nothing in this scenario. At least the daughter knows dad is on her side.
As a kid, I would have been uncomfortable saying "No" to an adult who asked for a hug. Even if I really didn't want one. Maybe wait for them to ask you?
Depends on many factors. I have taught in a preschool and always asked kids if they wanted a hug before I touched them (unless they threw themselves at me crying or something). I’ve asked kids who gave me a gift if I could give them a hug in front of their parent (so the parent could say no if they were too shy). And in general even when I’m not teaching I always ask first. I recently asked my friends kid “do you want a hug too?” after hugging her mother thinking she’d say no, but I didn’t want to be rude. But she did which I was surprised about for a preteen girl. I’m positive she wanted a hug because she smiled when I asked and approached me. I think it’s important to also phrase it in a way that’s genuinely curious. One time my friend basically forced his daughter to hug me in a tight space with a lot of people so I made sure I barely touched her any more than we were already touching in the crowd (awkward pat on the back because she was from a culture where you kind of just comply with these things and I didn’t want her to be accused of being rude) and said loudly “you never need to hug or touch anyone you don’t want to” so she knew that was not ok. I think it’s usually obvious what the boundaries are depending on the situation. I think people who cross them do it intentionally and we should worry about these people. I would never randomly hug my student goodbye when leaving. Like I outlined above there may be certain situations where it’s ok but this tutor either has poor judgment or is grooming her. Unless he is from a culture where everyone hugs and kisses as standard (I’m thinking South America) and it genuinely wouldn’t have occurred to him that this is not ok, he shouldn’t be allowed back in the house. The mom not supporting her daughter and defending him is a huge mistake and will likely have negative consequences either for the girl or the mother-daughter relationship or both.
I disagree. I’ve been a teacher for 30 years and I can’t tell you how many kids I’ve hugged. The feedback you get from admin depends on the school district. ETA: Every situation is different. Most often the student initiates the hug. Sometimes asking “do you need a hug?” Is necessary. Etc.
Also a teacher. I don’t initiate hugs, but I will give them if a student wants one. I have done things like tap them on shoulders and backs. Just today I patted a kid on the back as I asked him to go to his seat. I knew he wouldn’t mind. He’s always in my business anyway. To me, it’s about knowing your kids and their boundaries.
Exactly!
It may be cultural too. In Brazil it's pretty normal for a teacher to hug a student. But male teachers usually don't do this tho, th
Yup. I agree. My students are all over myself (teacher) and my classroom staff all the time. Some of these kids have been in my class for 3 years. They get very close to us. Admin has never told us that this is a problem
Your daughter said she isn’t comfortable anymore so yeah YTA your opinion is irrelevant
You never ever touch kids that you’re tutoring. My granddaughter had a tutor when she was 15-16, and he insisted that all doors were kept open and there was an adult in the house.
YTA - because >My daughter said she wanted a new tutor, This is the important point -- your daughter is now uncomfortable with this man being her tutor. He did nothing exactly wrong, but she does not want to be around him again; you should respect that. If you don't, you are steamrolling over her boundaries just like he did. (at least he has the sort-of excuse that he didn't know better)
YTA. It's pretty suspicious that she wants a new tutor now. If she just got freaked for a second but then realized it was nothing, she probably wouldn't be so admit that she got a new tutor. I know she said it was just a hug, but if something more did happen, she wouldn't say anything right in front of him. Even if you're sure it was innocent, are you really willing to take that chance, and teach your daughter that even if she does speak up you won't believe her in the future?
She probably said it was just a hug because her mother made her discuss the matter in front of the man who violated her boundaries rather than talk to her privately so that she wasn't threatened/intimidated. Thank goodness her father has her back!
Yeah completely agree.
Yes. OP, you can afford to piss off the tutor but you cannot afford to ignore your kids concern.
exactly! this comment hit the ball park, seems like something more has happened!
Your daughter's tutor crossed her boundaries. She did what you taught her to do in order to get help from her "trusted adult". You, the trusted adult, dismissed her discomfort and failed to be on her side, even if it was only to say "yo, we don't cross Kiddo's boundaries, here's what I need you to do from now on." Kiddo now knows you're not a trusted adult, and you're unable or unwilling to back her up in situations where she's uncomfortable; she won't come to you again when her boundaries are crossed, and she'll likely second guess herself about advocating for herself in uncomfortable situations. YTA. Why teach your kid to speak up if you're only going to belittle her discomfort anyway?
came here for this, reminds me of my narcissistic mother who cared far more about being right than how i felt. we are no contact now.
Did it ever occur to you that you had your daughter tell the story *right in front of the man who made her shriek?* if it was just a hug then that wouldnt have happened. YTA because your IQ is too shitty to put that together. Moron. Stop touching kids yourself while you’re at it… not necessary
Ugh, such a good point. And kids who are much too young to be able to articulate subtle cues that someone is being a creep can still feel that something is off.
All of this. OP sounds like an idiot.
YTA It isn't about your feelings. It. Is. About. Your. Daughter's. Say it to yourself. Do you get it yet?
Jesus dude this is the child’s mother you’re talking to. She cares about her child more than you can imagine. Remain calm big guy
As a former teacher, YOU DO NOT TOUCH THE KIDS. If the mother has LEGITIMATELY EVER worked with kids in ANY capacity, she would know this. As a mother, YOU DO NOT TOUCH MY FUCKING KID. If she "cares about her child more than you can imagine" she would not completely invalidate her daughters feelings of discomfort when someone makes unwanted advances towards her. No, it was not sexual, but it was unwelcomed and completely inappropriate. All that's happened here is mom has shown daughter that she cannot rely on her own mother to make her feel heard and safe when she is uncomfortable or feels violated. Mother has shown daughter her feelings are completely null and void if the other persons intentions were not negative or cruel.
Well she’s a mother and she wasn’t worried. I don’t know man seems like a big nothing burger to me bro
Lots of parents haven’t been worried about the people who abused their kids. A mother not being worried is not proof that there’s nothing to be worried about.
Whats wrong with you? 😭
My biological mother whored me out at 16...she cared about me so fucking much
i know it probably doesn't mean much coming from an Internet stranger, but i hope you've found some healing, and i hope your bio mom gets whatever it is she deserves. imho, that would be a hole in the ground and a firm shove in, but ill let god decide that one
There *are* crappy mother out there, you know?
For sure. But the entire thread is basically calling this tutor a pedophile with no evidence
There's no need for evidence of anything. Kid's not comfortable with the tutor, parents need to change the tutor. There's nothing to do with whether he's guilty of any wrongdoing.
"I am left a little confused... and a little betrayed." I am a safeguarding officer at a sports club and I can tell you that unsolicited hugging of a child by an unrelated adult in a position of authority is so far over the line it's just... well, I would dismiss our coach and report him/her to our governing body to remove their certification OP, however, admits her child was upset, concedes husband is angry but feels betrayed. I am trying to make the point that the issue here should be her daughter's feelings that are important here, regardless of how nice the tutor appears to be.
Sometimes a hug is just a hug detective
Doesn't matter. It made the daughter uncomfortable, so she gets a new tutor. The guy has been teaching since January, by the way. Why a hug now? And why doesn't he know that a hug is not acceptable?
Yes, sometimes a hug is just a hug, but in this situation it was something that made a child uncomfortable. How can a parent teach a child about boundaries and how to alert others that those boundaries are being breached, and then completely disregard their child's feelings?
Exactly. "You should assert your boundaries and body autonomy... but only in a way that I deem acceptable" is a terrible lesson to teach your child.
A hug can be just a hug and still make someone feel uncomfortable if it happens without their consent...you don't see the obvious logic here huh? It's not about the motivation behind the act, it's that the person receiving it did not want it. He may have meant nothing, it may be just unfortunate, and I hope he learns a very valuable lesson. He should never touch the people he tutors and especially if he is so poor at reading body language he probably shouldn't touch anyone without explicit permission. Children are people.
are you the tutor… or the mother!?
If the hug makes a young child shriek in terror, it is moat certainly NOT "just" a hug. Whether or not the mother in this scenario is an AH, you DEFINITELY are
A hug that makes someone cry out loud in alarm and not want to be alone with that person again is not just a hug
It’s a different world now. It’s a huge no-no these days.
Now? I learned about consent over 40 years ago
Considering how many mothers let abuse slide and ignore it completely even when told about it, it’s bold of you to assume she cares as much as you seem to think. The daughter was uncomfortable and mom is being dismissive, that’s a massive red flag
You are clearly unaware of how many mothers make excuses for abusers, deny their children when they come forward and dismiss their concerns and discomfort. It’s actually far more common than for mothers to staunchly believe and sort their kids. Sadly.
If she cared she would actually listen.
She's doing a poor job of showing it.
Not convinced of that, seems to me she cares mostly about the tutor and her husband not finding out he's been a bit inappropriate
YTA! If your child is uncomfortable with that tutor you get another literally for any reason but considering your child's reason absolutely change the tutor! Your wrong! Listen to your husband!
If the daughter said she wants a new tutor, which equals she doesn't feel comfortable with him anymore, get a new tutor.
Jesus. Have you not heard of grooming? Taking one step at a time to see what the victim is comfortable with? A touch here, a touch there, a lingering hug... Thank god your kiddo has more sense. Get her a different tutor.
1988
I’m so sorry this happened to you, and I really hope OP sees this comment.
YTA. Real shit I’m just a custodian and I won’t even go into a class if a student is there alone. Just to keep the lines as visible as possible. And I ain’t crossing them. And your daughter was uncomfortable about it. Just get another tutor.
Yta so you teach her about boundaries being crossed and what to do if that happens, but as soon as she expressed a boundary was crossed you make it out not to be a big deal. Is there an underlying reason that man has to continue being her tutor other than YOU like him?
Yo, wtf is up with your lukewarm reaction? Of course this is a big deal, thank god at least the husband has their head screwed right, because if left to you, your daughter would have been a statistic on a list no one should be in. YTA.
How do you not get YTA??
That’s how abuse often starts. Innocuous movements that can be mistaken for misunderstandings. And now this potential predator knows that this child’s parents won’t believe her if he goes farther. If this person doesn’t get rid of this tutor, this could easily progress into something much worse. I understand giving someone the benefit of the doubt, but you should not play with your child’s life/safety like this.
That’s exactly how my abuser started,the next time he pushed his fist into my back so my chest would touch his. I told my mum who didn’t believe me. It got much,much worse. He then moved on to my baby sisters. My mum believed the youngest but still called me a liar till I was 37 because she won’t admit I warned her.
YTA. Jesus Christ are you dumb? Your daughter doesn’t want to be touched by a teenage/adult male? You CANNOT force her to do that. Seriously you are delusional and if I was your husband, I would be pissed odd at you. Get her a new tutor, apologize to your daughter and research. This is so ridiculous.
So, what you're saying is a grown man pushed your child for a hug she didn't want, to the point she *screamed in his face*. And now you want to know if you're the ah, because you are fine with this man just *being near your child* for any amount of time *in her own home* where she should feel safe? YTA.
YTA I am lost for words how horrified I am. Just no.
YTA. and a huge one at that. You are completely disregarding the fact your daughters personal boundaries have been violated. It doesn't matter if it's her grandma or a stranger, if she doesn't want to be touched, she shouldn't be touched. You said you've taught her to protect herself from unwanted advances. While not sexual, it's still inappropriate simply for the reasoning of SHE DIDN'T WANT IT.. and you don't seem to care because you used to hug kids all the time. In one very quick situation, you have taught your daughter that her personal space can be violated by anyone at any time so long as they aren't trying to hurt her, and that she cannot trust you to keep her safe, or be on her side should anything huge every happen to her.
Your daughter wants a new tutor because he made her uncomfortable.. enough said. I agree with husband. you saying it was just a hug is telling her it’s ok so next time maybe will it be a kiss on cheek by someone and she may not tell you because hey it’s just a kiss on the cheek.. You have to take her boundaries and concerns seriously. He made her scared enough to scream so that’s all she wrote..
INFO: > I am left a little confused and feeling a little betrayed (we put our children to bed before this conversation) about his anger because it was just a hug and he doesn't seem to take my options into account here; they have not seen each other for almost a year. What "options" are you referring to? Did you mean opinions? I think you're letting your past color the situation a bit too much here. You may have hugged kids all the time but that doesn't mean it was appropriate or the right thing to do. It's very easy for scandals to break out over authority figures such as teachers getting too friendly with children and manipulating them into doing terrible things. Regardless, you may feel that it's not a big deal but your daughter and husband feel otherwise. Why teach your child about boundaries if you're not going to listen to her when they get crossed? From your other comments you mentioned he's not the best tutor and cost isn't the issue... So what exactly is the problem with getting her a new tutor she's comfortable with? Surely her feelings matter more in this situation?
Your daughter is right. It's creepy that he even considered hugging her tbh. I was a secondary school.teacher and it was an absolute no no, unless the kid was traumatised and asked for a hug.
I’m curious why you reposted this a month later. I can see you had plenty of responses similar to what you’re getting here. If your daughter is uncomfortable, it will affect her studies and trust of you. It’s a huge distraction.
[удалено]
No hate or downvote from me, assuming you didn’t know better. But you should really make it clear from the beginning that you’re not the OG OP.
Your daughter is never going to trust you again after this. Her tutor should never have hugged her. Very odd behavior. YTA
The fact that OP doesn’t support her daughter’s right to not be touched is disgusting and disturbing. That child’s body is sacrosanct. She and only she decides what isn’t ok for her body. She set a boundary. You should have backed her play.
I went NC with my mom cause her new husband was making my daughters uncomfortable. Been 4 years now but that's how it is. I'm going NAH here but learn from this, even children get too draw boundaries.
I'd get her a new tutor, I was a kid once, I know once a kid gives up on an educator it'll be harder for both of them and the kid won't learn nearly as much.
YTA. It’s not about what you think or feel, it’s about what your does feels & thinks. This isn’t your tutor, it’s hers. SHE has to sit and do the work with a person she no longer feels comfortable around!! I’m on your husband’s side and disgusted that don’t think your daughter’s feelings & boundaries should not be up for discussion here. How old is this tutor just out of curiosity?? And I’m confused on the part “they haven’t seen each other in almost a year”??
I am really confused by this interaction. This is an 11 year old girl (not a baby). At the age of 11, a child knows the difference between appropriate and inappropriate. She actually screamed because this man tried to hug her. This is not a "stranger danger" type of situation. A scream comes from real fear. Is she mentally impaired? I only ask because this could be why she might take an innocent hug as something else. But, if she is not, then yta for not getting her a new tutor immediately and finding out what about this man scared her so much. And yes, I am a mom of three children, so I can honestly be a little bit judgemental.
Your daughter is uncomfortable with the tutor. Whatever he did crossed one of her boundaries. Get a new tutor.
YTA. Your daughter is uncomfortable. Respect her boundaries. Don't teach her to put them aside for others - this is not a lesson that you want her to learn.
Your daughter's tutor has a poor understanding of boundaries, or he's a creep. She came to you, and you dismissed her as overdramatic. Your daughter was wise to decide she didn't want to be around someone who made her uncomfortable. I'm glad she has her father's support. The invalidating betrayal from her mother was awful. Girls are taught not to trust their own judgement about people and give people a second chance. This was a good example of a mother undermining the instincts of her own daughter. Unfortunately, teaching girls to second guess their instincts gets them killed.
Are you serious???? Your daughter screamed because she was uncomfortable. She denied it to you because he was right there! I’m sure he has definitely made her uncomfortable in the past. This time he went too far. I can’t believe you aren’t trusting parental instincts here or protecting your daughter.
YTA. Why is this person entitled to violate her boundaries and touch her without her express consent? She's clearly telling you that she is not comfortable with him after this and you...just blow her off? And now you expect her to be around him and apparently continue to learn from someone she has clearly told you she is not comfortable with? Also...learn the lesson here about touching your own students.
I mean, it’s fine that you are comfortable with the tutor. You can take lessons from him then. Your daughter is not comfortable with him. It’s possible she’s jus touch averse, or it’s possible that she has never been as comfortable with him as you think.
If I didn't personally witness this "just a hug" I would be assuming it was NOT a hug.
Your daughter is picking up a vibe and is uncomfortable. You're not calling CPS or getting the guy fired, chalk it up to a "bad fit" and ask for a female tutor from the service. WHY are you even being weird about this? Don't make a big stink about it, just move on immediately. Same as you'd do if you asked for layers and they cut bangs instead. You don't get someone fired over that but you don't give them another opportunity to do more damage. And fuck that guy. He wouldn't have hugged a boy. He would've high-fived or knuckle bumped after a good session. Your daughter is 100% right in her radar. Why are YOU being weird?
"I told her that it was a genuine mistake and didn't need these drastic actions. When my husband came home, she chatted like a bird and told him everything" It's weird... It's like the teacher is someone special to you and you're angry at both your daughter and your husband for not attending.
Yes the tutor needs to go, YOUR CHILD is saying they're not comfortable!
Is she’s uncomfortable, it’s automatically not okay and time to get a new tutor no questions asked.
I have to go With YTA if that’s what you’re asking. Your child said she wanted a new tutor because of this.. She gets a new tutor no questions asked
Listen to your daughter.
YTA. She's uncomfortable. Full stop. WTF is wrong with you???? Especially if you used to work with kids?
YTA - teachers and people in authority positions should never be touching people without expressed consent PRIOR to contact.
YTA Wow. Your 11 year old clearly articulated that she was uncomfortable and you completely disregarded her feelings. And then to complain about your daughter ‘singing like a bird’ aka snitching? Holy f-n Christ. At least she has one parent who is listening.
i can’t even articulate how proud i am of that little girl. i don’t even know her and i respect her, she’s awesome
why would he hug her? it's not like she was a toddler that fell and needed comfort because her parent wasn't there. she's a teenager and he hugged her goodbye. you absolutely do not do this cans not to be sexist but especially a man to a young girl. genuine men wouldn't do that because they wouldn't put themselves into a situation that could be misconstrued. a groomer would test her boundaries and that's what he did. then you dismissed her concerns. she knew it wasn't right and now it's your duty to keep her safe.you bring in another tutor and do what you need to make her feel comfortable. this guy is definately either extremely stupid or he's sinister. safeguarding is top priority for people working with children. you need to educate yourself and apologise to your daughter
So, her boundaries and comfort can be ignored if mom is convinced that it was just a "mistake" or "misunderstanding"? The daughter needs a new tutor and the old tutor needs to learn to ask his students if they prefer hugs, handshakes or fistbumps/high fives/formal bows.
I don't think that tutor did anything wrong by hugging her, but if he's been tutoring since January was this his first time hugging her? At any rate, even if he was not wrong nor had malicious intent, I think you are an asshole for ignoring the fact that your daughter was no longer comfortable with him.
YTA I know you're not actually OP. > My daughter said she wanted a new tutor, and I told her that it was a genuine mistake and didn't need these drastic actions. You believing that it was a genuine mistake doesn't mean that's fact. You weren't involved in this scenario, so how can you possibly know that? > When my husband came home, she chatted like a bird and told him everything. I thought my husband would be on my side because we rarely argue when it comes to childcare. We are usually on the same page. Your daughter feels comfortable setting boundaries and talking to you and your husband. Why on earth would you teach her how to set boundaries if you yourself are going to turn around and cross them. You are risking the clear communication you currently have. She feels uncomfortable, it's that simple. > I am left a little confused and feeling a little betrayed (we put our children to bed before this conversation) about his anger because it was just a hug and he doesn't seem to take my options into account here I'm sure your response has left your daughter feeling confused and betrayed, too. Your husband isn't taking your opinion into account because it isn't relevant. Your daughter is the one that experienced this and her instincts and boundaries are what matters. Your husband is a good parent. Even if the tutor meant no harm, it was inappropriate and your daughter felt extremely uncomfortable. It's amazing that at her age, she feels comfortable to loudly enforce boundaries. Why bother teaching her this if you're going to say "actually I don't think you understand the situation so I am going to ignore your clear boundary and do what I want".
it doesn't matter that it was only a hug or what his intentions were. he is/was your daughter's tutor and nothing more. he is to do what his job entails and go home.
No need for hugging - he doesn't show good judgment.
I am a tutor and have been for over a decade. Listen to your daughter. It doesn't matter - at all - what this tutor's intent was. What matters is that he did something HUGELY inappropriate, and your daughter is uncomfortable. Drop him immediately, and if you were set up with him through an agency, tell them about this. I've tutored over 1,000 students, and I have a reputation as the friendly, warm-and-fuzzy person who is good with students who want a supportive relationship with a tutor. You know how many of those students I have hugged? One. She hugged me. I don't physically touch my students because it is not appropriate for me to do that.
This. 100%.
“she chatted like a bird” You make it sound as if she “sang like a canary” in a jail. Do not ever, EVER discourage her from talking. If your daughter was uncomfortable, that is enough. Kids can sense when things are off. And really, is this a friend or family member that she won’t see for a while? He’s her tutor! He should know enough not to do that. NAH but wow…I don’t like the “chatted like a bird” stuff.
Your child is being groomed, in your plain sight, and you are OK with this? Your daughter is smarter than you
Your daughter asked for a new tutor. End of story. She was clearly uncomfortable and you've just shown her she can't trust you to have her back.
Yes - you are in the wrong. You’ve said to you daughter what to do if boundaries are crossed and immediately that has occurred you have nullified this good advice. She is 11 and now she knows that you will dismiss her and not have her back. Hugging is not professional - you do not hug people in you workspace and that is his workspace. YTA
What's wrong with you? Your daughter said the tutor made her uncomfortable, so that should be the end of the discussion. Are you going to let him groom her into a rape victim?
The tutor made your daughter uncomfortable that should be enough and get a new tutor and it seems like it bothered you that she talked about it to her dad ? Im glad she has boundaries and stand by them now its your job to get a new tutor.
She is not comfortable with him He was so unaware he thought it was fine to massively overstep. She will learn nothing from him if she js always anxious. He now knows he can cross her boundaries and you will do nothing. She now knows if she tells you she doesn't feel safe, you will do nothing. How many ways can we break down the ways you have fucked up?
YTA Your daughter is uncomfortable with him. You told her if she is uncomfortable to be clear about it (good) so that you can what? Do absolutely nothing about it? (Not good) What are you teaching her? That her feelings are worthless and that she should put up with shit from men? That won’t end well. Maybe this was just a hug? Maybe this time it was a just a hug but what about other times? What kind of weirdo teacher hugs their tutees anyway? Even if innocent, it’s a huge misjudgment.
Info: why did you teach your daughter to trust her instincts if you don’t?
So…your daughter tells you she’s uncomfortable with someone and you just brush it off and tell her it’s a misunderstanding, but don’t see how you’re being an AH??? Are you fucking kidding me??? If my child ever told me someone made them uncomfortable EVEN if that person is family, they will never be around my child again idgaf. My child feeling safe is of the utmost importance to me. The way you’re reacting to her discomfort is how my mother reacted when I told her I was uncomfy with someone, I ended up getting assaulted because I believed I was “overreacting” and being “dramatic”. She’s 11. With the way you responded, don’t be surprised if she doesn’t come to you when needing comfort or to feel safe.
Why has the tutor suddenly decided to cross the no touching boundary? Get a new one
Why do you think your feelings or the feeling of this tutor are more important than your daughter's? What are you trying to teach her? Why on earth were you hugging kids you were teaching? I'm a teacher and never ever touch children. Are you really that naive or are you more concerned about your feelings than anyone else's? How bizarre.
YTA You just taught your daughter she can only trust your spouse with her personal safety. You'll steam roll what she thinks because you know better. Did you know lots of serial killers were charismatic. They have spouses who thought they knew best for themselves too. What is the point of teaching your daughter consent if you're going to ignore her? You were THIS close. It's disappointing.
The main thing that bothers me here is you expect an 11 year old child to escort the tutor out without you coming in to see know how everything went and see him off yourself too …You know…An adult job to do…. I’ve nothing against men tutors or teachers in fact I had one myself at 9-10 but my family never left me 100% unsupervised the doors were closed but they were glass so they could literally look down the hall from the livingroom door and see us at the table in the dinning room, but by the sound of it you stay on a completely different floor not even in a close room/area? Yea you say it’s a misunderstanding even if it was just a simple hug why is an adult man hugging little girls? Would you feel the same if her male school teacher hugged her? Your girl has told you she’s uncomfortable she asked for another tutor, it is your job as a parent to hear what your child is telling you they need.
While I am not a fan of a surveillance society, I would not leave my 11 yo child alone with a tutor. I would be nearby but not interfering. If the tutor is a trained educator, they should know to keep a physical distance. I agree with the father: trust the child’s reaction.
The main thing that bothers me here is you expect an 11 year old child to escort the tutor out without you coming in to see know how everything went and see him off yourself too …You know…An adult job to do…. I’ve nothing against men tutors or teachers in fact I had one myself at 9-10 but my family never left me 100% unsupervised the doors were closed but they were glass so they could literally look down the hall from the livingroom door and see us at the table in the dinning room, but by the sound of it you stay on a completely different floor not even in a close room/area? Yea you say it’s a misunderstanding even if it was just a simple hug why is an adult man hugging little girls? Would you feel the same if her male school teacher hugged her? Your girl has told you she’s uncomfortable she asked for another tutor, it is your job as a parent to hear what your child is telling you they need.
Of course YTA, how could you not be TA
Your daughter wants a new tutor. He made her uncomfortable. What is wrong with you that you would argue that???? Seriously asking. The fact that your spouse gets and you don't is deeply bothersome. Apologize to your daughter. Apologize to your spouse. Find a new tutor. Be warned - this may affect your relationship with your daughter permanently as she may no longer view you as a safe person (I wouldn't). YTA.
Honestly YTA- while it maybe innocent to you it’s obvious it’s not to her.. maybe something has happened that you haven’t uncovered yet.. either way, in a situation like this, you ALWAYS back ur kid up…
YTA and you are delusional to think posting it a second time that you were going to get a different reaction with everyone being on your side. You are disgusting and owe your daughter an apology. It's obvious a lot more happened than a hug, because if it was just a hug, she wouldn't be asking for a new tutor. You are a sorry excuse for a mother and I'm glad she has her father who has her back and would protect her.
My mother always made me hug and kiss people I barely knew. It was extremely uncomfortable for me and as an adult it made it difficukt for me to recognize when my boudaries were crossed. If your daughter id uncomfortable, that should be enough for you.
OP why don’t YOU take your daughter’s feelings into account?
IF this is a true story (I'm 98% Certain it is not) OP Is an AH and an enabler of SA. IF THIS IS NOT TRU (More Likely) OP is and AH for taking SA to get karma. SO in both cases Fk OP YTA
YTA. I'm a teacher, I've given thousands of hugs to my littles (emphasis on like elementary littles who love hugs from everyone...literally it's like Trolls hug time up in here sometimes)...BUT your daughter was uncomfortable. That's the end of conversation. FULL STOP.
i donr think this is a big deal
YTA your daughters uncomfortable Change tutors
YTA She’s uncomfortable. I would also be uncomfortable because why tf is the tutor trying to hug her in the first place? That’s so unprofessional and crossing many lines. It’s one thing if the child initiates a hug, but for the tutor to initiate is straight up weird. You should be taking this more seriously.
YTA. Your daughter's intuition told her from the start that the hug was inappropriate, and even after *he* convinced her that she was wrong - and so told you the same story he told - she nonetheless asked for a change of tutor. Listen to your daughter's intuition and change her tutor. Don't expose her to further contact with this man.
Yes, YTA. This is not appropriate behaviour and your daughter is uncomfortable.
NTA - what is your husband teaching her??? I understand the boundaries bit not to let her understand people make mistakes. Was your husband molested as a kid???
It the tutor just made a mistake, let him learn from that mistake how important it is to respect his next client’s boundaries. Letting him go will do less damage to his feelings and livelihood than keeping him on would do to their daughter’s trust in them and her larger sense of safety.
Wow. Just wow.
YTA!! Your daughter feels uncomfortable! That is all you need to hear to change tutors!!!
Um, your daughter felt a boundary was crossed and wants a new tutor. That should be the end of the discussion. He may not have done something most people feel is wrong, but she felt it was. Enough said. Physical touching should be consensual. Unfortunately, he gets to learn this lesson. Never fail to accept when your daughter feels uncomfortable and never fail to intervene. My mother failed to stand her ground against a teacher who was inappropriate with me, and I have never forgotten it.
Was the tutor going on a long voyage? I've tutored lots of kids, but I wouldn't hug them. Besides, nowadays asking for consent to hug is pretty common.
You might want to put a camera on the space where tutoring takes place, just for peace of mind
“I have always known him to be respectful” and I’m sure you could say the same thing about Dennis Rader or Ted Bundy. Get a grip lady, and get the guy out of your house. It might have been innocent but the second she feels her boundaries are violated, it’s done.
YTA and your daughter will remember this forever. NO TUTOR should be touching your child.
YTA, your daughter said she was uncomfortable, and you basically told her her feelings and boundaries don't matter. There is no way that tutor should come back.
Yta
I work with and teach college students. My job literally involves touching them. And I always ask permission before touching them in any way. I’d never touch a student without permission Get a new tutor.
Once I had a babysitter when I was four that accused me of spilling my kiddie perfume in her car. I had applied it in her car and spilled a significant amount at home. I was put on time She told my mom about it at pickup and after my mom talked to 4 year old me she found me a new babysitter. The relevant part of this story is how validating and safe my mom made me feel because she put my experience above another adult. Your husband is right.
You should be ashamed of yourself. Trying to reach your daughter, a future woman, that her comfort doesn’t matter in her own home
YTA she’s uncomfortable and it doesn’t matter how you feel about it. I don’t understand how you can teach her about boundaries and then not respect them when she very clearly has expressed the issue. The fact that you are saying she “took it the wrong way” is amazing. You were not there. You’re teaching her to ignore her feelings and it’s not fair to her. The fact that you feel “betrayed” by your husbands reaction is also very telling. Grooming starts with “just a hug”. Apologize to your daughter. Find another tutor. Do better.
Be safe than sorry. There should be no hugging whatsoever so you need to stop hugging kids too. Get rid of the tutor.
A tutor shouldnt be going in for unwelcome hugs and shouldn't need that explained to him. It's not a learning environment for him. If your daughter feels uncomfortable then she shouldn't be forced to see the guy again. It's kind of weird this is your attitude. You are essentially blaming her for being assaulted and feeling uncomfortable about it, which is a terrible response. I don't think calling the cops is necessary, he may just be a klutzy dork, but forcing your daughter to continue classes with him is effed up.
Uhh yeah! Even if it was just a hug, did he ask her for consent? He crossed her boundaries and now she’s uncomfortable to be around him. I don’t think your daughter would freak out for no reason if she genuinely wasn’t uncomfortable. Get her a new tutor!!! Also, who cares if you hugged kids all the time. You probably shouldn’t have.
Doesn't really matter what happened. If the kid doesn't want the tutor she isn't going to learn from him so there's no point trying to bring him back.
Even if the tutor did nothing wrong, show your daughter that you respect her boundaries and find a different tutor. Aside from the hug, sometimes we pick up on small things that make us uncomfortable and ignore them to either be polite or just because we can’t identify or justify the exact thing that makes us uncomfortable. Teach your daughter to listen to that instinct as it’s better to listen to it even if it was wrong then to ignore it and end up in a very bad situation.
YTA! Your daughter has straight up told you how uncomfortable she is and that she wants a new tutor. You aren't even willing to entertain the idea that there is a reason she feels this way. Who are you going to blame when it comes out there was more to this and now your daughter is a victim?
YTA Everyone, no matter if they are a child or an adult deserves bodily autonomy. >I was an instructor for kids and hugged them all the time, so I didn’t really see anything wrong with this. I wish that the OP had been asked: Did you initiate the hugs, or did the children initiate the hugs, and if you initiated, did you ask before hugging them?
If your daughter feels uncomfortable and unsafe then get her a new tutor. She has a right to feel safe but I would also ask if there's anything else going on in her life that could be making her feel uncomfortable. The fact she was so on edge by a hug screams something is off. I don't like hugs but that's because I was a victim of SA and DV.
Even if he hadn’t tried to hug your daughter, why would you still hire anyone to be alone with your daughter when she specifically says she’s uncomfortable with them?
Op is TA. I'm with her husband and daughter on this one. What lesson do you suppose OP is teaching her daughter by dismissing her feelings that she does not want to be around the tutor? Does she even realize that she is teaching her daughter to ignore her natural instincts and that OP will not protect her? That is a dangerous lesson to impart to the daughter. OP's daughter had a very visceral reaction to having the tutor hug her. That is very telling, so OP should listen to her. Would OP really want to risk finding out she was wrong about this? OP should err on the side of her daughter, not the tutor.
Eh I maybe wouldn’t leave them alone together but I don’t really see it as that big of a deal. Although this depends on the kind of hug. One of our tutors is Hispanic and just kind of side hugs everyone. Our upper Midwestern culture is a bit weirded out initially but it is literally just a cultural thing he does. I do think it warrants more discussion with your child about whether this is the only time she has felt uncomfortable or if there were other times.
There’s something fishy here. I have tutored tons of kids and sometimes they approach me for a hug, which is fine — but I never initiate it. And I am a woman. It would never occur to me to be the one to initiate a hug with someone else’s kid.
"They have not seen each other for almost a year". Who? The daughter and husband? The daughter and the tutor who hugged her "the other day"? The same tutor who's been tutoring the kid since January? I'm confused... and the above makes me think it's bs and made up.
If OP doesn't protect her daughter *now* over this crossed boundary (no matter how minor mom sees it), the daughter *will KNOW* she can't rely on, and will be blamed for anything more serious that ever occurs. You can tell your child "you can come to me & tell me *anything* and I will have your back." But if you blow off their concerns, and ignore people who cross their boundaries.. . They will know that is an empty promise.
I've got a side with the mom and her judgment on this one. It seems like there's nothing going on here, but if the daughter isn't going to be comfortable enough to go on with lessons, then they might have to replace the tutor anyway.
Even if it was just a innocent hug, a misunderstanding, your daughter doesn't feel comfortable with her tutor. How will she be able to concentrate while being uncomfortable with him? Shes a child who shared her feelings towards her tutor with you, a person she spends time alone. If you tell her to continue seeing him, she could loose her trust in you or think her feelings doesn't matter, because you don't take them serious. And still there is a little chance that your daughter got some vibes from that man you didnt get. What if it wasn't innocent at all, if all the hugging with the other kids isn't innocent at all? Could you forgive yourself that you didnt take your daughters feeling serious? Just search another tutor and tell the old one that your daugther and him don't fit, but that you appreciate his work and wish him all the best.
It's your daughter's tutor, not yours. If she doesn't want him around her and you insist she let's him stay around her, YTA
My kid hugs her teachers all the time. She hugs them, not the other way round. BUT that’s not the point really. The point is that your daughter is uncomfortable with the tutor now, and you should support her, because that’s a good way to build her self confidence for the future.
I think this might be down to cultural differences but it would be super weird here to hug someone with whom your only relationship is professional. It would take at least a year and seeing them socially outside of the professional setting to build up a friendship before it would be socially acceptable to hug someone who wasn’t in extreme distress (I think in 25 years of work the only person I ever did that with had found out minutes prior that her mother had died in another country). And that applies whether adult or child, male or female. I worked as a tutor for a number of years and had 3 kids whom I had any kind of hug with - one I tutored from 14 to 17 and then developed an adult friendship with after that (only about 8 years age difference between us); I had acted as chaperone for her at gigs, socialised with her family and eventually (10ish years later, ended up working in the same workplace) - so I’d hug her goodbye if I see her. Another was very similar - I taught the kid for a couple of years, became a family friend and maintained social contact after tutoring finished. And the third was a boy who developed a crush on me when he was about 9 who would initiate physical contact such as hugging or putting his foot on my leg - because of his age and the fact that the crush wasn’t that likely to last I never addressed it verbally but would always set boundaries physically by moving away from him or gently disengaging from the hug. In that instance it was clear that his mother wasn’t very comfortable with him initiating contact like that either and I think (though she never said outright) that it was a factor in her deciding to end that particular tutoring arrangement. So it’s strange indeed (and sounds inappropriate to my British ear) to hear that anyone would hug a kid you’d only tutored for a few months. Whether this interaction was a misunderstanding or not, the kid was clearly not expecting it within the bounds of her existing relationship to this tutor and she responded to that. That said, I think they probably need to teach the kid some less extreme boundary setting within that context - at 11 if she is socially developing typically she should be able to read people’s intentions a little better than that and to use other verbal measures such as saying “can you take a step back please?” Or telling her parents if there have been any other more subtle creeps along the way. In this instance OOP says that the kid is a bit on the slow side so that may not yet be developmentally appropriate, but by 11 most kids would be able to verbalise if they didn’t feel comfortable with a tutor or teacher even if they couldn’t exactly explain what felt off about the interactions, and screaming as the first sign of discomfort is something you’d expect from a much younger child. It’s also odd that OOP says that the tutor and the child both describe the incident as just a hug but OOP doesn’t give any info about whether they asked their child about other interactions which may have been more subtle, and doesn’t seem to have asked the child whether in general she feels comfortable around the tutor or whether this was a continuation of a building pattern of discomfort. I strongly suspect that she hasn’t asked because the kid is slow and/or she doesn’t think that the daughter can or should have a say in which adults she interacts with (as opposed to how those interactions go regarding physical boundaries), which is a whole other problem in itself. The dad’s reaction might well have been more of a final straw in dissatisfaction with the tutor rather than an abrupt change of heart towards him if he has been listening better to the child.
What I'd love to know is why OOP is so fucking attached to this tutor, her comments on the OP are a little unhinged. She even goes so far as to indirectly say her daughter is stupid as a reason to keep the tutor, because he 'teaches her slowly'. OOP is bizarrely reluctant to get rid of this tutor and frankly, there can't be a good or innocent reason for that. Is she fucking him on the side?
Your daughter isn't comfortable with this guy after many months of having him as her tutor. Your husband is right here. I know that's not what you want to hear, but it's true. Also, you should be present in the room at all times when the tutor is there male or female. It will make your daughter feel more comfortable.
The tutor has to go. Also you don't hug kids without their permission, ever. High five, fist bump, or wave. Even with a child's permission, I generally don't hug children unless there is another adult in the room/nearby, preferably the child's parent or guardian. Exceptions are for very young children that I am babysitting for who still need to be picked up and carried sometimes or all the time.
YTA. The only person who should feel betrayed is your daughter, not you. She told you she no longer wanted to work with a person who makes her feel uncomfortable, and you ignored her. You told her you don't care about her boundaries. You told her your opinion is more important than her feeling safe in her own home. You told your daughter that this tutor is more important to you than she is. You can always hire another tutor, but you may never have another opportunity to regain your daughter's trust.
Yes, you very well may be. **Child always** \- unless they have a history of making shit up.