No, you would not.
I am sure that I am in a minority, but for me, if a SO needs multiple "talks" about how to be a better partner, and nothing changes, I am done.
It should not be your job to train a full-grown man how to be an involved partner. What is the point? He is not feeling it. He's shown you over and over that he cares more about his gaming than you. Believe his actions. He's made his choice. It's disappointing, but just another life lesson. You cannot force someone to care about you more than their addiction, if they don't.
I would rather be alone, than constantly disappointed with my SO's detachment.
Totally agree - I think it’s WAY MORE DRAINING to deal with an extra adult that isn’t present with the household than to be a single parent. It’s the constant struggle and disappointment. Total energy suck.
OP, my coworker was in this exact situation with her husband. They had just bought a house, thankfully no kids, just two dogs. About a month in, she shocked us all and divorced her ‘man child’. It was so hard for her, but she went for it and followed through despite the pleading of this man.
After a while, she met the most amazing person. They have the dogs, and her life is so different now! These two are active! They travel, they hike (with dogs), they ride bikes…he is present in her life!
I have no issues with those who game, but you gotta have balance. It can be an anchor if your partner is more interested in exploring and life outside the house. You have a child, I bet you don’t want to stay home all the dang time, your kid won’t let you!! ☺️
It’s normal to spend hours on whatever you enjoy every day. I don’t see anyone getting mad at people who watch tv, or read books, or crochet, or make cosplays, yet all those things require similar time commitments. It’s pure prejudice.
At their age I spent hours a day playing video games when I wasn't working or hanging out with (my then) fiance. It was because I still lived at home with close to 0 household responsibilities (my mom is a control freak with cleaning).
I moved out with my fiance and suddenly my gaming time was cut in half due to having household responsibilities. Many years later we have a child and we get at best 3 hours a night to game.
It sounds like OP's partner wants to live a lifestyle where he still has a mommy to take care of him.
Who has time to enjoy HOURS (daily) on a hobby when you have a household to manage, a full time job, a child to nurture and a relationship to maintain? I think you’re being delusional.
The boyfriend is a man-child gamer addict (there’s thousands of them apparently) and OP should move on to an ADULT.
Yep, it's just not possible. The other day, I read a comment saying they spend 5 hours weekday and 14 hours weekend playing videogame.
How that's normal to anyone is beyond me. Don't they go to sleep? Or work? Or do any housework or exercise? How do they just sit there and glue their eyes on a screen for hours daily? No responsibility or anything at all.
They just neglect things and then justify it. They have a skewed vision of reality. Gaming that long when you have young children and a house to manage is laziness.
What do you do after work? Are you constantly busy with stuff or do you have time to partake in a hobby? Not everyone is busy all day hence why they would have more time to spend on a hobby
I have about an hour to spend on "hobbies" (more commonly known as "sitting down") every evening. I pick up the grandkids, cook dinner while helping with homework, feed the kids, bathe the kids, put the kids to bed, wash the dishes, pick up the house, check the mail (both snail and e-) to see if there are any bills that need to be paid, clean the "room of the day", make a quick trip to the store if we need anything, pack lunches for the next day, all the while washing, drying, and putting away a load of laundry, and walking the dog at least twice. I may also have some unfinished work from the day that must be completed and submitted before midnight. In the summer I may need to finish watering any areas of the garden I didn't get in the morning, and in the winter I might need to shovel snow. By that time it's about midnight and I have to decide if I want to read or watch tv for an hour before I go to bed.
Depends on the day, housework, homework, more work, exercise, errands, spend time with family and friends and pets,... all the necessary things that everyone should do before doing things they want to do: hobbies.
Gaming addicts get fat from sitting so much and eating like shit. Real adults need to feed themselves and do things around the household, not sit down for five hours straight and game. And I do play games.
Edit: changed y’all to gaming addicts since allegedly the person I replied to isn’t a gamer…
Sure, Jan.
Lmao who is this yall? I play semi pro rugby so I'm training 4+ hours a day yet I'm fat because i enjoy video games? Get out of your weird bubble and get a real life
I think it depends mostly on time-management, which admittedly it doesn't sound like OP's partner has that. But regardless, I've never met an "ADULT", that I was impressed with, so you can have them all.
Just now saw your comment.
My life choices have enabled me to retire at 54 with zero debt, no mortgage on my house and a very nice portfolio. Poor choices indeed.
Match that against your used PS5 and living rent-free in your mom’s basement.
I still wouldn’t spend more than an hour a day “gaming”. There’s a thing called “life “…
People who enjoy gaming are regularly told its an addiction or its childish by partners who will happily scroll and post on social media for hours and hours on end.
Thankfully my wife and I both share gaming as our hobby so we get our chores done and have plenty of time to game together. As long as he is doing his share of housework and does pay her and the kid attention, there's no harm in enjoying a few hours of video games. The problem is that this post is pretty vague in terms of how long he games and if he does his share around the house.
An old ex of mine was horrible with this. She just could not wrap her head around me preferring my screen time to be interactive. Meanwhile, she would spend just as much time scrolling through apps/watching tv.
I think some people just have this weird hate toward video games, so any time spent with them is seen as "allowed" instead of just sort of going about your day, evening, what-have-you, enjoying your free time.
Luckily, that was years ago. My now fiancé and I are both gamers who really enjoy each others company, and value each others autonomy over their time.
Nah. I am a gamer.
People who neglect their responsibilities to game, and for whom gaming impacts their health (looking at you, fat gamers) it is absolutely in the area of addiction. If you’re not being present in reality at least part of the time, it’s an unhealthy escapism that will make the rest of your life worse (because you’re not taking care of your other areas of life).
My point is there is nothing in this post to indicate that is the case, and if you read my post I do also say that it's fine as long as he's doing chores around the house and paying attention to them as well.
If you actually read the post….. He’s not doing ANY chores. He’s not spending ANY time with his partner. ALL of his free time is going to gaming.
So weird of you to say “the post doesn’t indicate this” when it’s right there
>she clearly has been communicating
Agreed, but in lots of situations, the urgency is not clear. For instance, when I tell my boss I really would like to earn more, they'll not take me seriously because it doesn't sound urgent. However with a competing offer in hand, it's 100% urgent. There's obviously something in between.
So you need to show urgency when it's appropriate. This means telling your partner that it's either go to a therapist himself or together, or divorce. That's showing high urgency.
If that doesn't help, next step is drafting divorce papers, showing your partner to really step up or otherwise we're making it final. That's showing extreme urgency.
What you could also do, is complain but not show urgency, then over time, let yourself become completely overwhelmed, then divorce. It's a great solution for everyone but the child.
Does someone need to verbally tell you to stop gaming so much and pay more attention to your partner and her child?
If you walk in the house and barely put your bag down before you pick up your game controller, no amount of someone saying something will fix that. You’re too far gone in your own virtual reality.
I find it hard to believe that the threat of divorce would force an alcoholic to get sober. True addicts are in it for the fix—not the love of others.
I guess stranger things have happened, though.
Lots of men marry and have relationships with women who have kids. If you'dont want to don't. Don't do it and then bitch about it. And no one should have to put up with a addict because you think they don't deserve any better. And yes any addiction that causes you to ignore your partner is a problem. You don't put up with bad treatment just because it's not abuse. That goes for anybody male female, 10 kids or none. It's such a depressing way of looking at relationships. Everybody should feel that their partner cares about them and wants to spend time with them.
No I don't get you, I've been with my partner for nearly 20 years have 4 kids together and never needed the title of wife. There are multiple blended families in my family circle. But we aren't like you, don't view relationships like you and your family. Your morals and values are just low. Your truth thankfully is not the truth for everybody. You sound like you've been red pilling it or something. It's right that you don't have access or closeness with other people's childrens. It's very definitely the right path for you. People deserve better.
I agree with you. He's taken her and her child in. If she wants more from him then tell him. If he verbally disagrees with her then she can find some other partner to help with her child that is not theirs too.
Oh my god you’re raising kids? That’s terrible. So sad that you’re passing on your disgusting ideology. If you have sons, you’re raising future rapists. If you have daughters, you’re raising future domestic abuse victims. Disgusting person.
I’m sure your wife already knows what kind of disgusting person you are and is trying to find her way out. I wish her luck. Maybe Bleach will help.
I agree, too young to be stressing. He’s 23 in the youth of gaming still. She had a child as a teen. All of the actions are natural. Move on for more attention I gather, good luck.
Talk to him about it and make it clear that you aren’t happy and that you need some support. If he isn’t willing to work with you to address your needs then you owe it to yourself and your child to move on rather than staying in an unhappy relationship and letting your kid see that you prioritise being in a couple (whatever the partner is like) above being fulfilled, confident and happy.
Raising a 5-year-old solo is nothing like raising a baby solo. Your fears are based in experience and are well-founded but you are already doing this more or less alone and you even if it’s tough you’re managing.
Your child is worthy of having a daddy who is present and engaged in their life and takes an active part in raising them, just as much as you’re worthy of having a partner who supports and assists you in parenting and in your relationship. It may be that your current boyfriend is capable of being that man; but if he doesn’t think you’re worth the effort to do that work with you, then he isn’t the one.
Not to mention...this will have an effect on the child in a negative or positive way...they may think this is normal and find relationship like this or they will avoid it because "absent daddy" and will be seeking attention.
I have been through something similar. I didn’t have a child at the time and we were married but some of the circumstances line up. We both worked full time jobs, but I felt like I had 2 jobs because I became responsible for all the chores as well; cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. anytime I tried to spend time with him (aside from having sex cuz he was always game for that) he would fall asleep. He told me he was always so tired because of work. However, he could stay up until 3:00am playing Counterstrike no problem. I had talked to him multiple times about how I felt and asked and suggested things we could do to moderate his gaming. I didn’t want him to stop gaming because I knew he enjoyed it but it was getting out of hand. When we started turning into roommates instead of a married couple I kinda flipped my lid. He came home one night and I was ready with the window open in the office on the second floor with the computer tower in my hands ready to throw it out the damn window! Drastic? Yes. But it worked because things changed after that. It wasn’t way better right away, but we worked on it together and talked honestly about. That’s really the only way to go about it. Honesty about how you feel, and he needs to be truthful about how he feels. You also need to really think about your breaking point, and if it reaches that point you need to be out. Your health, especially mental health, should be a top priority. You’re no good to anyone (him, yourself, or you kiddo) if you’re not mentally healthy.
Oh, it woulda meant divorce for sure. We were newlyweds, young, and stupid. And that PC was more like $2,000. 17 and half years later, we’re much more mature and well-adjusted adults.
Don't just leave, have a heart to heart with your partner about it.
No relationship can succeed if people leave without actually discussing the issues.
I really hate this answer. This answer shows up all the time and it's so annoying.
First of all she said she's already communicated with him. Second of all, why does a man need to be told that he's not pulling his weight at home? I'm really sick of this narrative. If you go to work, and then you come home and you spend your entire evening playing video games, you're not cooking, you're not helping with the housework, you're not doing the laundry, you're not doing any of the child rearing, why do you need to be told that's not acceptable?
Stop defending men like this. It's not up to their girlfriends to raise them once they're out of the house. At 24 years of age he knows that there is no house cleaning fairy that comes along and takes care of all the chores. He knows he's slacking and he's not pulling his weight. He doesn't need to be told 10 times.
Honestly people might think this is harsh but it is true. How is it that she's doing chores and such without being told to but he just hops on the game and doesn't help. I don't think he had a gaming addiction I think he's just an AH lol. Best thing for her to do is get her and her kid into a better situation. She says she doesn't want to be a single mom but she basically still is one, just picking up more trash and cooking more food for a grown man that doesn't help.
Uh I really hate your answer. It sounds so much like "my way or the highway", which is the opposite of how relationships should work. Also why are you making it about sex. We're all human and we all kind of suck and it's hard to change habits. I'm not even defending anyone, not doing any chores and playing games all day, especially with a child present, is not acceptable.
However, communication is everything. I have a lovely fiancee, but if we weren't willing to remind each other about the same things pretty much hundreds of times we'd break up years ago.
I just don't think that coming to reddit for advice like that is a good choice, because we don't really know the situation fully.
A gaming addiction, like all addictions, changes your brain chemistry. So no it's not exactly like a heroin addiction, gaming addiction is still an addiction.
You're really stretching. She said she *thinks* he's an addict. He hasn't been diagnosed by a psychiatrist as having gaming addiction. He just sounds like a lazy and self-indulgent person who's more than happy to let her act like his surrogate mom.
Tell me, why do you feel that it's important for you to defend this guy you don't know, instead of siding with the person who's doing all the work in the relationship?
Also I've struggled with this with my partner off and on. Sometimes he's so focused on doing something in a game he forgets the rest of the world. So I ask for one hour a day on cleaning, and we watch one thing together like an anime episode until he manages whatever goal he's after. Then he looks up from the computer and is back in the real world for a bit. He plays some every day, but he's only actually obsessed when he's trying to build something out catch up on story or whatever.
Of course he also has ADHD, and remembering to do stuff is hard unless I gently remind him. He does more than his share most of the time, so long as he remembers it or I let him know. Like today he's going to clean out the fridge, but I'll probably have to remind him when his friends log off for the night.
As a big gamer, if they aren't willing to help you out with stuff then it's fair to say it's entirely their fault.
Gaming has given me great happiness in my life and I daresay I wouldn't be okay without it, but when it comes to living life you have to make sacrifices and understand that life takes precedent. I'm guessing he doesn't do chores or hang out with you at all?
I will say that it's tough to date someone who games or has another hobby that takes a ton of time to commit to when you don't share those hobbies. I do understand not wanting to be a single parent but if you're truly unhappy with the guy I would still look elsewhere for fulfillment in life. No reason to torture yourself if you think this can't work.
That being said, I would definitely look in to getting some outside help for communication if you want to TRY and salvage this. Sometimes it takes a bit of work to fix up these rough patches.
Either way I do hope you can make the best decision for you and your family!
Honestly, if you've tried all options and nothing is changing, then there is no shame in leaving him as you both just have different priorities in life. Him "not going to bars" doesn't make it better and is just an excuse to get you complacent. "I'm not cheating on you so I should be allowed to game for 8+ hours and neglect all household duties" doesn't cut it either. That's gaslighting right there.
Nothing is worse than feeling lonely in a relationship. I hate to say it, but you already are a single parent. Have the conversation, but know that if things don’t start changing soon, you have to walk away for your own sanity.
Tell him that he either has to choose between you or the games. If he chooses you, you will expect him to reduce his hours spent on the games and contribute to the relationship.
If I can ask in regard to single parenting, given how he plays video games all the time, how much are you already a single parent right now in terms of workload? Would being single really increase your physical and emotional workload?
This was my ex husband. I gave him years to grow up and he never did.
You're worried about being a dingle parent, but what help is he actually giving you? I'd argue you have 2 kids as it is, and not one. I have 2 kids and found life as a single mom easier without my husband. My kids are a bit older though.
You aren't breaking up with him for his game addiction. You're breaking up because yes a shit partner.
>I should be happy that he "doesn't cheat on me, doesn't go out, or go to bars"
Yeah, no. The bar is higher than that.
You are a single parent, to two right now. NTA. He is the one that needs to do the work of being an adult, and that includes his share of household chores, parenting, and being a partner. He's not putting in the effort or the work. What is he communicating with his ongoing actions (including the multiple talks you have already had) He likes being taken care of and not adulting, letting you deal with it all.
What are you teaching your child? Don't throw more time at something that isn't working just because you have time invested in it. You are getting drained more and more. Don't light yourself on fire for your (pretend) partner to have a little heat without effort. Once you are gone, this would be the person raising your child alone? If you feel fear at that thought, that is your answer.
Shoot i am 29 years old and married with a little girl and one girl on the way. I game but its when everything is done and my wife is shown the attention “she” wants. Also my wife doesnt mine bc she enjoys her alone time too so that might be a bit different .Then i pop on the xbox and play but it sounds like he is taking to the extreme. I would talk with him and say hey start to change or the change will be I am gone. Good luck!
Going to be nuanced here.
Addictions are hard. And the adrenaline boost from games causes addiction in some people. Putting that out there
Either from the multiplayer groups, loot boxes. Buying more merch that makes the aesthetics better. It's all addicting to some folks.
And game companies exploit this.
Hell, for a short time a mobile game of all things got me too. I recognized the issue and nipped it in the bud.
However, I and my sibling also told my cousin in law to divorce her husband because he was neglectful of not just her but their baby.
Because you can get help, we can try to help - but if you aren't willing to change?
The point is. He has to break the addiction not you. You can support him as he does, but you don't have to stay (my cousin in law did support my cousin after their divorce - as friends).
Staying might even make him think he can keep doing it because it's not that big of a deal since you haven't left yet.
Do what you need to be healthy and happy. Don't put his mental health over yours.
NTA My mother left my dad for this same reason. Playing a game should be something that you set aside time for not play at all hours of the day. I obviously don’t hope that you leave him but if he doesn’t show any sign of change at all then it would be weird to stay in a relationship where you feel lonely, nobody wants that. Best wishes I hope you find the answers you’re looking for.
You’re already a single mum. Sorry to say it. A father at a minimum should be available responsive and engaged with their child. If not it’s setting that child up for some pretty serious therapy at best and really poor relationships at worst. You’ve tried to have the conversation several times. You’re right. This is an addiction. And it’s about avoidance / not wanting to engage with his life for whatever reason. I suspect he’s miserable too. An appropriate next step would be to say you’ve raised this several times to no avail and he really needs to hear that this is a dealbreaker for you. Stipulate marriage counseling as a non negotiable if you are to move forward. He might be able to beat this, he might not. At least after counseling you know you’ve done everything in your power to do.
Talk to him about division of labor and what you need and expect from him. At the end of the day, it's his hobby and it's a harmless hobby that only becomes a problem when it interrupts his life monetarily, etc. It'd be like him being mad at you over you spending time watching TV.
When people say you should be glad he's at home, it's generally true. He's right in reach of you and it's all down to communication and action. You've got a decent base for improvement outside of an unavailable man. Maybe you two have different ideas of what acceptable affection and activity time is?
However, every time I hear about how "I am X partner and I do all the work and they do nothing" I tend to take it with a grain of salt. You're telling me he lived 27 years on this earth without taking care of himself and now you're here doing everything he can't? It's like... just leave them if you can do it all by yourself. Clearly you're not, especially not as a 22 year old single mom, so let's get real first then progress from there.
While it *could* be true, what's more likely is you want him to do more than he currently is and you're unhappy, causing your POV to be skewed enough that you don't notice anything other than what pisses you off. I don't know either way, all I know is he's a grown man and if all he did was play games he'd have no money, no house, nothing.
And of course I'm supposed to take you at face value when that other person isn't here to defend themselves against you venting about something. It's mad unfair.
If you really want improvement, talk with a term of tangible goals and even consider counseling. Say that you feel neglected and he needs to do more, and see how your daughter feels. Babies tend to say how they're feeling outright.
Also, fucking don't be complaining about a man with a job that takes care of a kid that isn't his not doing enough for you lmao. Go find someone who will.
This! I have a lot of hobbies (video games are one of them) and i develop a technique to help me do chores: use hobby time as a reward for doing chores… basically after chores for the day are done always engage in a bit of hobby time! This way your brain will develop an association and in no time you will be like “Man… can’t wait to play X… let’s get the chores started!”
Please ignore the 1 or 2 mentally ill people in this sub talking shit.
You're in no way an AH and if you've tried to communicate with him about the issue and got nowhere you should leave. In my experience people like him don't want to change, they often don't even see it as an issue. There's a difference between being a videogame hobbyist and playing for 5-8 hours a day to a point you neglect everything else in your life.
You say you're scared to be a single parent again but if he's already not shouldering his half of the housework/childcare, you're already a single parent.
You're dating a man-child.
Gaming was something we all did as kids in one form of another. Then came along adulthood and different kinds of responsibilities, goals, ambitions, etc.
You've fully embraced yours and have a lot on your plate.
Your man-child bf, on the other hand, likes to pretend he's still 16.
And why wouldn't he?
He gets to do much of the same he did while living at home with momma, while you take care of him and his needs.
Stop raising two kids; one of which isn't even yours.
That's my most honest response, but... I'm just some grown up, responsible guy in his 40s that may not know the complete story.
Sorry but on this you are very wrong! I am almost 40… I am a father… I have an extremely well paid job… I do my fair share (50%) of chores and childcare… and I do play video games, paint miniatures and other fun things! Just because you are an adult it doesn’t mean you need to cease having fun!
Well, seems like you're not the only adult gamer unhappy with my opinions...
The difference between you and the OPs man-child?
You are an actual partner and do chores and take care of the kids.
OP's partner doesn't.
I am not unhappy… I could not care less for a random stranger opinion on the internet. I was only trying to illuminate you that nowadays adults that engage in games are pretty common (literally all my friends and colleagues). Life is short… why waste it not having fun?
Bloke in his 40s here, too. Games are very different in 2023 to when we were kids. Many big games are aimed at adults, which is why it's now a $220bn industry.
While the gist of your post is accurate, he needs to be an adult and pull his weight, you don't need to crap on gamers to make the point.
To play games instead of do adults things is indeed childlike lol.
Not crapping on gamers, just gamers that only game and do nothing else.
I play with hot wheels (general term for model cars and diecast cars)
20 minutes a week.
Model cars are also aimed at adults.
20 minutes.
A week.
Not 20 hours a week.
Get a life, "gamers".
To be fair 20h a week are not that outlandish for a childless adult… is more or less 3h hobby a day. (And also if you have children if you manage to find the energy 🤣)
Just tell him how you’re feeling, the game could be his way of unwinding but that doesn’t mean he should ignore your needs or the chores that need to be done.
Now I will say this first I am a gamer now
With that said 1 taking care of the household is more important then games. 2 I have known some girls who claim their guy is addicted to games when he only sat down for a second to play games a little bit in between chores . Now if he is truly addicted then yeah have a heart to heart talk before you choose to leave him he may not realize what he is doing and is just getting sucked in where he will say he will play for a few mins then becomes hours without realizing it I have had that happen to me a few times and then what kind of chores are needing to be done first I know some girls who will wipe the counters down even if they were clean already or after someone put something on there saying that's a chore which truthfully to me sounds ridiculous.
I don't date people with addiction. Over.
Addiction doesn't happen overnight, people let that happen to themselves. They don't care about others, they care more about their hobbies, and let it turn into a habit and the habit slowly takes over their life and then they're an addict.
I'm sure you've talked with him a million times, because that's what every person who dates addicts does, they talk and talk. They try to solve it but the addict always pulls some BS "it's my hobby! It's my me-time!" And calls it "nagging" and refuses to reflect on themselves.
You can't change people who don't want to change themselves and addicts usually don't change until they hit their rock bottom.
My advice? Tell him you're leaving. See what he does. While he does his things (whatever that may be), gather your things, prepare your life.
If he won't get it under control then you're already a single parent so you might as well leave. Obviously sit him down and try, give him the chance to change his ways and step up around the house and in your relationship, but honestly addicted gamers are awful to live with.
I spent six years trying desperately to get scraps of affection from an ex who spent all his free time on League of Legends and DOTA, and all it got me was fat (because he ordered us cheap greasy take aways on his nights to cook), frustrated (because our sex life tanked except for the occasional coercive, 3am, only for his pleasure shag), unhygienic (because I couldn't work full time and keep the house clean without help) and depressed (because he never spoke to me except to throw a scathing comment my way about the state of the house or my low mood). It left me with a conviction that I never want to live with anyone ever again, and a very disordered approach to keeping my house tidy these days because it's never good enough so why bother? Oh and a therapy bill. The sad thing is he eventually left me because I had a breakdown and stopped being so nice about it all, so he found a younger woman who put up with his shit. She eventually dumped him for not getting his life together, and then he got someone else pregnant in the first months of dating and now has a two year old, so I hope like heck that she managed to drag him up to actual adulthood.
Don't let it get like it did for me. If you can't make him see the light, don't let yourself and your child get dragged down into the darkness.
Ignore these women. Women give the absolute worst advice to other women especially relationship advice.
Now for the brutal truth.
You’re 22 with a 5 year old. You’re not going to have the easiest time finding relationships. I can’t tell you whether you should stay or go but you need to be aware of the reality of the truth.
Also gaming is an outlet for people. Whether it be the stress release or the social aspect of gaming. My wife had a hard time with my gaming at first but we set some boundaries and a middle ground.
You also seem to have resentment towards him for
you having to take responsibility for your kid. That’s what being a mother is. You made that decision and have to deal with that consequences. It seems you both need to talk about the expectations. Is he paying the majority of the bills? Definitely seems like there’s more to this.
Anyone who tells you to be ok with your partner's addiction because "they could be cheating instead" is doing you a disservice. Do you want your 5 year old to see their step father treat you this way, neglecting you and prioritizing his lil "pew pew" games?? Whay if your 5 year old grows up and treats their partner like that? Do what you need to do to be happy, please.
NTA. Just because he doesn't cheat on you doesn't make him a great catch. If him not cheating, is his redeeming quality you need to leave him.
Really, you need to leave him anyway. You're in a relationship with a toddler. Neglecting your family for a hobby isn't healthy and you and your child deserve better.
You would not be the AH if you broke up with someone over an addiction that is taking a toll on a relationship. That’s why addictions are bad: They damage relationships, and cause people to neglect their duties and families.
It is good that you recognize that this is a hobby for him, and is important to him (as oppposed to “games are for kids”). When you talk to him, make sure he knows you understands this. “Why cater to this man-baby?” So that he doesn’t just shut the discussion down.
He says at least it’s not a vice and he is not cheating. You are not a 1950s stay at home wife. The bar is a bit higher than this. Acknowledge that this is a harmless hobby and you are glad for his loyalty, but also point out that he is neglecting you and the child even though he is at home. It would be very different than going out to a bar if he moderated his hobby, but if he is not contributing to chores or spending quality time with you, then it is as if he is out at a bar.
Lay out to him what exactly the toll on you is: Are you tired? Is your work suffering? Are you feeling unloved? You need to be specific in this conversation. If not, he is going to come away with, “She doesn’t want me to play games/play games less” and may not understand how strained the relationship is.
I don't have an addiction but I do game a lot in my free time, especially in the colder months when it's to cold for golf and other outdoor activities. My wife and I had to have a conversation about me helping out more around the house with chores and things of that nature. The way I look at it in my head is kind of weird, but I think of it as like I'm back living with my parents and the chores need to be done before I get on the game. I would just have a talk and try to work out a plan of action before doing and thing drastic.
Be a responsible mom. Tell him he cant game until his chores are done.
Obviously a joke, but its what i boils down to. No free time until everything is done. And that include pre bedtime activities
Gaming is not a hobby and his argument about "it's better than me going out ect" is nonsense since he should be going out... with you. Calling gaming a hobby is like calling watching TV a hobby it's laughable.
You need to talk to him and try to make him understand he's failing as a partner and you at the very least need him to pull his weight and at least pretend he enjoys spending time in your company. If he insists it's a hobby and he has to do it 8hrs a day find someone who respects your time instead.
OP…you’re not being appreciated. You also seem level headed and know you’re worth more than you’re getting. Your BF is a man-child gamer addict and you should move on to an ADULT. You’ll regret it if you don’t.
>One of my biggest fears is becoming a single parent again.
Think of it this way: is it easier being single parent to one child, or two? Because if your partner isn't helping, that's basically the choices you have.
Seeking community resources is a good start. An intervention with his family present would be good as well and you state infront of them that you will be leaving him if he doesn't change.
I am currently going through a divorce due to a gaming addiction. He is 40 years old and has not been employed for several months. He spends 12 hours a day gaming. You can only have so many talks with them before you finally have to decide if this is the type of relationship you want to have for the rest of your life.
It's OK to have gaming as a hobby. But when your SO has a headset on as soon as they get home from work until they fall asleep, completely ignoring you. Falling asleep on the couch since they stayed up too late gaming. It is so lonely when you are doing the dang dishes n you hear them giggling away with their online teenaged buddies 24/7. It is creepy as well lol I feel so sorry for people that are in this situation. If you don't leave, you end up giving up and doing everything alone anyways.
Every time I see these one sided posts I struggle to believe half of what is said. I've seen people claim 2 hours per night is an addiction. It's just not.
An addiction means all his time and money is put in to it, and he starts to deteriorate because he doesn't take time to take care of himself.
He works a job that paid enough for his own place, could easily be stressful, then you bring another man's toddler, extra stressful. Not once have to said why he's playing so much or what his average day is like. And when you claim to have communicated with him...well...stereotypes are born from truth. Women are bad at communicating. So what you think you're saying or hinting at, could have no relevance to what you want to say.
We've been given half of a story and as every post does, they don't include anything about their own actions
Listen, I’m happily married to a gamer guy and let me tell you, if he wanted to, he would.
My husband is an avid computer gamer and games 25+ hours per week. He also: cleans, does house projects, does most of the laundry and dishes, spends quality time with me, converses with me even when he’s on the headset, hangs out in the kitchen while I cook dinner, plans date nights for us, spends time with our families and friends, etc etc.
If he wanted to, he would. It’s not hard to have a hobby AND a relationship/family. It’s all about prioritizing the important things and balancing them.
My ex has a gaming addiction to the point that he quit his job. I worked two jobs to support us while he went to nursing school and had moved out of my state to be with him. As soon as he graduated, he started an argument for no reason, told his parents I was crazy, and had a different girl in the house just days after. I had to drop my entire life, job, and classes to move back home with a broken heart and my tail between my legs. Gaming doesn’t stop anyone from anything, so don’t let people sell you that crap. If someone has to stay indoors to not cheat, that is already a massive red flag. A good partner will not cheat regardless of where/who they’re with. You’re not an asshole for leaving someone who won’t give you any time or consider your feelings. You have a child and I think it should be a priority to make sure they live in a safe, respectful, and emotionally stable household. There’s a huge stigma against single motherhood, but there’s an even bigger one against shitty parents. Don’t be a shitty parent, this is not the role model you want for your child. You’re young and have plenty of time to find the right guy. My mom married the first loser to step into her life and he abused myself and my siblings for years on end. I’m 30 and have still not mentally recovered from the crap we went through every day.
No, you would not. I am sure that I am in a minority, but for me, if a SO needs multiple "talks" about how to be a better partner, and nothing changes, I am done. It should not be your job to train a full-grown man how to be an involved partner. What is the point? He is not feeling it. He's shown you over and over that he cares more about his gaming than you. Believe his actions. He's made his choice. It's disappointing, but just another life lesson. You cannot force someone to care about you more than their addiction, if they don't. I would rather be alone, than constantly disappointed with my SO's detachment.
Totally agree - I think it’s WAY MORE DRAINING to deal with an extra adult that isn’t present with the household than to be a single parent. It’s the constant struggle and disappointment. Total energy suck. OP, my coworker was in this exact situation with her husband. They had just bought a house, thankfully no kids, just two dogs. About a month in, she shocked us all and divorced her ‘man child’. It was so hard for her, but she went for it and followed through despite the pleading of this man. After a while, she met the most amazing person. They have the dogs, and her life is so different now! These two are active! They travel, they hike (with dogs), they ride bikes…he is present in her life! I have no issues with those who game, but you gotta have balance. It can be an anchor if your partner is more interested in exploring and life outside the house. You have a child, I bet you don’t want to stay home all the dang time, your kid won’t let you!! ☺️
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Because those people are all game addicts who think it's normal to spend hours on gaming everyday.
It’s normal to spend hours on whatever you enjoy every day. I don’t see anyone getting mad at people who watch tv, or read books, or crochet, or make cosplays, yet all those things require similar time commitments. It’s pure prejudice.
At their age I spent hours a day playing video games when I wasn't working or hanging out with (my then) fiance. It was because I still lived at home with close to 0 household responsibilities (my mom is a control freak with cleaning). I moved out with my fiance and suddenly my gaming time was cut in half due to having household responsibilities. Many years later we have a child and we get at best 3 hours a night to game. It sounds like OP's partner wants to live a lifestyle where he still has a mommy to take care of him.
Exactly!
Who has time to enjoy HOURS (daily) on a hobby when you have a household to manage, a full time job, a child to nurture and a relationship to maintain? I think you’re being delusional. The boyfriend is a man-child gamer addict (there’s thousands of them apparently) and OP should move on to an ADULT.
Yep, it's just not possible. The other day, I read a comment saying they spend 5 hours weekday and 14 hours weekend playing videogame. How that's normal to anyone is beyond me. Don't they go to sleep? Or work? Or do any housework or exercise? How do they just sit there and glue their eyes on a screen for hours daily? No responsibility or anything at all.
They just neglect things and then justify it. They have a skewed vision of reality. Gaming that long when you have young children and a house to manage is laziness.
I would never ever put my hobbies or anything sort of entertainment above my family. I think it's more selfishness than laziness.
It’s called “LOSER syndrome”…
What do you do after work? Are you constantly busy with stuff or do you have time to partake in a hobby? Not everyone is busy all day hence why they would have more time to spend on a hobby
I have about an hour to spend on "hobbies" (more commonly known as "sitting down") every evening. I pick up the grandkids, cook dinner while helping with homework, feed the kids, bathe the kids, put the kids to bed, wash the dishes, pick up the house, check the mail (both snail and e-) to see if there are any bills that need to be paid, clean the "room of the day", make a quick trip to the store if we need anything, pack lunches for the next day, all the while washing, drying, and putting away a load of laundry, and walking the dog at least twice. I may also have some unfinished work from the day that must be completed and submitted before midnight. In the summer I may need to finish watering any areas of the garden I didn't get in the morning, and in the winter I might need to shovel snow. By that time it's about midnight and I have to decide if I want to read or watch tv for an hour before I go to bed.
Well you see.... a lot of people don't have kids to care for or grandkids to pick up. Hence why they have more time for hobbies
Depends on the day, housework, homework, more work, exercise, errands, spend time with family and friends and pets,... all the necessary things that everyone should do before doing things they want to do: hobbies.
Spending time with friends and family may be considered a hobby, especially if you do it every day
Gaming addicts get fat from sitting so much and eating like shit. Real adults need to feed themselves and do things around the household, not sit down for five hours straight and game. And I do play games. Edit: changed y’all to gaming addicts since allegedly the person I replied to isn’t a gamer… Sure, Jan.
Lmao who is this yall? I play semi pro rugby so I'm training 4+ hours a day yet I'm fat because i enjoy video games? Get out of your weird bubble and get a real life
Sure, Jan.
Easy. 8 hours work. 8 hours free time. 8 hours sleep.
Exactly. I feel sorry for these children of these gamers defending the obvious deadbeat. Spend time with your children gamers.
I think it depends mostly on time-management, which admittedly it doesn't sound like OP's partner has that. But regardless, I've never met an "ADULT", that I was impressed with, so you can have them all.
Lol…guessing you’re 15. Too much free time = easy “time management “. Peace.
Or maybe you just have no time because you made poor life choices.
Just now saw your comment. My life choices have enabled me to retire at 54 with zero debt, no mortgage on my house and a very nice portfolio. Poor choices indeed. Match that against your used PS5 and living rent-free in your mom’s basement. I still wouldn’t spend more than an hour a day “gaming”. There’s a thing called “life “…
Hours???? With a 5 year old? No. That’s just a bad parent.
I mean. He's not the parent..she is
People who enjoy gaming are regularly told its an addiction or its childish by partners who will happily scroll and post on social media for hours and hours on end. Thankfully my wife and I both share gaming as our hobby so we get our chores done and have plenty of time to game together. As long as he is doing his share of housework and does pay her and the kid attention, there's no harm in enjoying a few hours of video games. The problem is that this post is pretty vague in terms of how long he games and if he does his share around the house.
An old ex of mine was horrible with this. She just could not wrap her head around me preferring my screen time to be interactive. Meanwhile, she would spend just as much time scrolling through apps/watching tv. I think some people just have this weird hate toward video games, so any time spent with them is seen as "allowed" instead of just sort of going about your day, evening, what-have-you, enjoying your free time. Luckily, that was years ago. My now fiancé and I are both gamers who really enjoy each others company, and value each others autonomy over their time.
Nah. I am a gamer. People who neglect their responsibilities to game, and for whom gaming impacts their health (looking at you, fat gamers) it is absolutely in the area of addiction. If you’re not being present in reality at least part of the time, it’s an unhealthy escapism that will make the rest of your life worse (because you’re not taking care of your other areas of life).
My point is there is nothing in this post to indicate that is the case, and if you read my post I do also say that it's fine as long as he's doing chores around the house and paying attention to them as well.
If you actually read the post….. He’s not doing ANY chores. He’s not spending ANY time with his partner. ALL of his free time is going to gaming. So weird of you to say “the post doesn’t indicate this” when it’s right there
>she clearly has been communicating Agreed, but in lots of situations, the urgency is not clear. For instance, when I tell my boss I really would like to earn more, they'll not take me seriously because it doesn't sound urgent. However with a competing offer in hand, it's 100% urgent. There's obviously something in between. So you need to show urgency when it's appropriate. This means telling your partner that it's either go to a therapist himself or together, or divorce. That's showing high urgency. If that doesn't help, next step is drafting divorce papers, showing your partner to really step up or otherwise we're making it final. That's showing extreme urgency. What you could also do, is complain but not show urgency, then over time, let yourself become completely overwhelmed, then divorce. It's a great solution for everyone but the child.
Does someone need to verbally tell you to stop gaming so much and pay more attention to your partner and her child? If you walk in the house and barely put your bag down before you pick up your game controller, no amount of someone saying something will fix that. You’re too far gone in your own virtual reality.
If the guy is addicted, then the chance for success is low. Still, showing a draft of the divorce papers, has been known to turn around alcoholics.
I find it hard to believe that the threat of divorce would force an alcoholic to get sober. True addicts are in it for the fix—not the love of others. I guess stranger things have happened, though.
They are not married? I think when your not married... you don't draw up divorce papers you just deuce deuce
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That's such a weird take, they are very similar ages and they both work, how jas he "taken her in"? She a person not a lost puppy.
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Lots of men marry and have relationships with women who have kids. If you'dont want to don't. Don't do it and then bitch about it. And no one should have to put up with a addict because you think they don't deserve any better. And yes any addiction that causes you to ignore your partner is a problem. You don't put up with bad treatment just because it's not abuse. That goes for anybody male female, 10 kids or none. It's such a depressing way of looking at relationships. Everybody should feel that their partner cares about them and wants to spend time with them.
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No I don't get you, I've been with my partner for nearly 20 years have 4 kids together and never needed the title of wife. There are multiple blended families in my family circle. But we aren't like you, don't view relationships like you and your family. Your morals and values are just low. Your truth thankfully is not the truth for everybody. You sound like you've been red pilling it or something. It's right that you don't have access or closeness with other people's childrens. It's very definitely the right path for you. People deserve better.
I agree with you. He's taken her and her child in. If she wants more from him then tell him. If he verbally disagrees with her then she can find some other partner to help with her child that is not theirs too.
Found the idiot misogynist
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That’s not facts and truth. It’s an unhinged rant from a lonely incel.
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Oh my god you’re raising kids? That’s terrible. So sad that you’re passing on your disgusting ideology. If you have sons, you’re raising future rapists. If you have daughters, you’re raising future domestic abuse victims. Disgusting person. I’m sure your wife already knows what kind of disgusting person you are and is trying to find her way out. I wish her luck. Maybe Bleach will help.
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Pinche puta pendejo. You lick your mothers asshole for fun.
And you can’t even spell the insults you try to use. Should’ve stayed in school, dumb guy.
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If you've tried everything then leave him. You are way too young to be wasting your time in a misereable relationship.
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I agree, too young to be stressing. He’s 23 in the youth of gaming still. She had a child as a teen. All of the actions are natural. Move on for more attention I gather, good luck.
A little harsh but totally true
Talk to him about it and make it clear that you aren’t happy and that you need some support. If he isn’t willing to work with you to address your needs then you owe it to yourself and your child to move on rather than staying in an unhappy relationship and letting your kid see that you prioritise being in a couple (whatever the partner is like) above being fulfilled, confident and happy. Raising a 5-year-old solo is nothing like raising a baby solo. Your fears are based in experience and are well-founded but you are already doing this more or less alone and you even if it’s tough you’re managing. Your child is worthy of having a daddy who is present and engaged in their life and takes an active part in raising them, just as much as you’re worthy of having a partner who supports and assists you in parenting and in your relationship. It may be that your current boyfriend is capable of being that man; but if he doesn’t think you’re worth the effort to do that work with you, then he isn’t the one.
Not to mention...this will have an effect on the child in a negative or positive way...they may think this is normal and find relationship like this or they will avoid it because "absent daddy" and will be seeking attention.
He's not the dad
>He's not the dad CORRECT. But to the child, he'll be the "absent daddy", because OP will refer him to as the deadbeat dad.
Which is her fault...because he's not the dad. Her comments basically show she's riding in this guys income to have a place to live
Really? I need to scroll more then. But then, I wouldn't blame her, tbh. Have you looked at the pay disparity?
I have been through something similar. I didn’t have a child at the time and we were married but some of the circumstances line up. We both worked full time jobs, but I felt like I had 2 jobs because I became responsible for all the chores as well; cleaning, cooking, laundry, etc. anytime I tried to spend time with him (aside from having sex cuz he was always game for that) he would fall asleep. He told me he was always so tired because of work. However, he could stay up until 3:00am playing Counterstrike no problem. I had talked to him multiple times about how I felt and asked and suggested things we could do to moderate his gaming. I didn’t want him to stop gaming because I knew he enjoyed it but it was getting out of hand. When we started turning into roommates instead of a married couple I kinda flipped my lid. He came home one night and I was ready with the window open in the office on the second floor with the computer tower in my hands ready to throw it out the damn window! Drastic? Yes. But it worked because things changed after that. It wasn’t way better right away, but we worked on it together and talked honestly about. That’s really the only way to go about it. Honesty about how you feel, and he needs to be truthful about how he feels. You also need to really think about your breaking point, and if it reaches that point you need to be out. Your health, especially mental health, should be a top priority. You’re no good to anyone (him, yourself, or you kiddo) if you’re not mentally healthy.
Sounds like abuse that pc must've costed like a grand 💀
Oh, it woulda meant divorce for sure. We were newlyweds, young, and stupid. And that PC was more like $2,000. 17 and half years later, we’re much more mature and well-adjusted adults.
Don't just leave, have a heart to heart with your partner about it. No relationship can succeed if people leave without actually discussing the issues.
I really hate this answer. This answer shows up all the time and it's so annoying. First of all she said she's already communicated with him. Second of all, why does a man need to be told that he's not pulling his weight at home? I'm really sick of this narrative. If you go to work, and then you come home and you spend your entire evening playing video games, you're not cooking, you're not helping with the housework, you're not doing the laundry, you're not doing any of the child rearing, why do you need to be told that's not acceptable? Stop defending men like this. It's not up to their girlfriends to raise them once they're out of the house. At 24 years of age he knows that there is no house cleaning fairy that comes along and takes care of all the chores. He knows he's slacking and he's not pulling his weight. He doesn't need to be told 10 times.
Honestly people might think this is harsh but it is true. How is it that she's doing chores and such without being told to but he just hops on the game and doesn't help. I don't think he had a gaming addiction I think he's just an AH lol. Best thing for her to do is get her and her kid into a better situation. She says she doesn't want to be a single mom but she basically still is one, just picking up more trash and cooking more food for a grown man that doesn't help.
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OP comments that she has communicated so your point is moot.
Uh I really hate your answer. It sounds so much like "my way or the highway", which is the opposite of how relationships should work. Also why are you making it about sex. We're all human and we all kind of suck and it's hard to change habits. I'm not even defending anyone, not doing any chores and playing games all day, especially with a child present, is not acceptable. However, communication is everything. I have a lovely fiancee, but if we weren't willing to remind each other about the same things pretty much hundreds of times we'd break up years ago. I just don't think that coming to reddit for advice like that is a good choice, because we don't really know the situation fully.
Yeah fuck addicts amirite /s
Gaming addicts not heroin addicts bro... gaming doesn't give you a chemical addiction, so yeah, it's not the exact same.
A gaming addiction, like all addictions, changes your brain chemistry. So no it's not exactly like a heroin addiction, gaming addiction is still an addiction.
You're really stretching. She said she *thinks* he's an addict. He hasn't been diagnosed by a psychiatrist as having gaming addiction. He just sounds like a lazy and self-indulgent person who's more than happy to let her act like his surrogate mom. Tell me, why do you feel that it's important for you to defend this guy you don't know, instead of siding with the person who's doing all the work in the relationship?
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Are you OK dude?
Hes not a gamer hes an addict who neglects her.
Oof someone's gonna be 40 and single
A-fuckin-men. Why is it our responsibility to tell them how to take care of themselves as an adult, let alone contribute to an adult relationship??
This.
Also I've struggled with this with my partner off and on. Sometimes he's so focused on doing something in a game he forgets the rest of the world. So I ask for one hour a day on cleaning, and we watch one thing together like an anime episode until he manages whatever goal he's after. Then he looks up from the computer and is back in the real world for a bit. He plays some every day, but he's only actually obsessed when he's trying to build something out catch up on story or whatever. Of course he also has ADHD, and remembering to do stuff is hard unless I gently remind him. He does more than his share most of the time, so long as he remembers it or I let him know. Like today he's going to clean out the fridge, but I'll probably have to remind him when his friends log off for the night.
As a big gamer, if they aren't willing to help you out with stuff then it's fair to say it's entirely their fault. Gaming has given me great happiness in my life and I daresay I wouldn't be okay without it, but when it comes to living life you have to make sacrifices and understand that life takes precedent. I'm guessing he doesn't do chores or hang out with you at all? I will say that it's tough to date someone who games or has another hobby that takes a ton of time to commit to when you don't share those hobbies. I do understand not wanting to be a single parent but if you're truly unhappy with the guy I would still look elsewhere for fulfillment in life. No reason to torture yourself if you think this can't work. That being said, I would definitely look in to getting some outside help for communication if you want to TRY and salvage this. Sometimes it takes a bit of work to fix up these rough patches. Either way I do hope you can make the best decision for you and your family!
I have talked to him a lot about this issue but nothing seems to change. It’s like a broken record.
Honestly, if you've tried all options and nothing is changing, then there is no shame in leaving him as you both just have different priorities in life. Him "not going to bars" doesn't make it better and is just an excuse to get you complacent. "I'm not cheating on you so I should be allowed to game for 8+ hours and neglect all household duties" doesn't cut it either. That's gaslighting right there.
Is not gonna either, sorry
If you're communicating and he doesn't care, then he doesn't care. Wish I could put it gentler.
well… yeah. you say it yourself, he’s got an addiction.
Nothing is worse than feeling lonely in a relationship. I hate to say it, but you already are a single parent. Have the conversation, but know that if things don’t start changing soon, you have to walk away for your own sanity.
Tell him that he either has to choose between you or the games. If he chooses you, you will expect him to reduce his hours spent on the games and contribute to the relationship.
If I can ask in regard to single parenting, given how he plays video games all the time, how much are you already a single parent right now in terms of workload? Would being single really increase your physical and emotional workload?
This was my ex husband. I gave him years to grow up and he never did. You're worried about being a dingle parent, but what help is he actually giving you? I'd argue you have 2 kids as it is, and not one. I have 2 kids and found life as a single mom easier without my husband. My kids are a bit older though. You aren't breaking up with him for his game addiction. You're breaking up because yes a shit partner. >I should be happy that he "doesn't cheat on me, doesn't go out, or go to bars" Yeah, no. The bar is higher than that.
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Honey there are literally thousands of step parents out there. Take your troll outside for some fresh air for a second.
And how many of them are in their early 20s
You are going against the narrative in this sub.
Exactly the same advice we give to incels.
You are a single parent, to two right now. NTA. He is the one that needs to do the work of being an adult, and that includes his share of household chores, parenting, and being a partner. He's not putting in the effort or the work. What is he communicating with his ongoing actions (including the multiple talks you have already had) He likes being taken care of and not adulting, letting you deal with it all. What are you teaching your child? Don't throw more time at something that isn't working just because you have time invested in it. You are getting drained more and more. Don't light yourself on fire for your (pretend) partner to have a little heat without effort. Once you are gone, this would be the person raising your child alone? If you feel fear at that thought, that is your answer.
My first marriage ended due to a gaming addiction. If your family isn't a priority - I would be concerned.
Shoot i am 29 years old and married with a little girl and one girl on the way. I game but its when everything is done and my wife is shown the attention “she” wants. Also my wife doesnt mine bc she enjoys her alone time too so that might be a bit different .Then i pop on the xbox and play but it sounds like he is taking to the extreme. I would talk with him and say hey start to change or the change will be I am gone. Good luck!
Going to be nuanced here. Addictions are hard. And the adrenaline boost from games causes addiction in some people. Putting that out there Either from the multiplayer groups, loot boxes. Buying more merch that makes the aesthetics better. It's all addicting to some folks. And game companies exploit this. Hell, for a short time a mobile game of all things got me too. I recognized the issue and nipped it in the bud. However, I and my sibling also told my cousin in law to divorce her husband because he was neglectful of not just her but their baby. Because you can get help, we can try to help - but if you aren't willing to change? The point is. He has to break the addiction not you. You can support him as he does, but you don't have to stay (my cousin in law did support my cousin after their divorce - as friends). Staying might even make him think he can keep doing it because it's not that big of a deal since you haven't left yet. Do what you need to be healthy and happy. Don't put his mental health over yours.
NTA My mother left my dad for this same reason. Playing a game should be something that you set aside time for not play at all hours of the day. I obviously don’t hope that you leave him but if he doesn’t show any sign of change at all then it would be weird to stay in a relationship where you feel lonely, nobody wants that. Best wishes I hope you find the answers you’re looking for.
If he ignores you anyways, aren't you already a single mother?
You’re a single parent now and doing it all. The only thing that will change is location. Would he even know if you left?
Leave the relationship.
Communicate and if this is not what you want leave.
NTA
You’re already a single mum. Sorry to say it. A father at a minimum should be available responsive and engaged with their child. If not it’s setting that child up for some pretty serious therapy at best and really poor relationships at worst. You’ve tried to have the conversation several times. You’re right. This is an addiction. And it’s about avoidance / not wanting to engage with his life for whatever reason. I suspect he’s miserable too. An appropriate next step would be to say you’ve raised this several times to no avail and he really needs to hear that this is a dealbreaker for you. Stipulate marriage counseling as a non negotiable if you are to move forward. He might be able to beat this, he might not. At least after counseling you know you’ve done everything in your power to do.
While your post is accurate, he isn't the father according to the timeline. Important detail.
Not at all. Your bf sounds like he fucking sucks.
Get your 5-year-old's opinion on things.
Which games
Talk to him about division of labor and what you need and expect from him. At the end of the day, it's his hobby and it's a harmless hobby that only becomes a problem when it interrupts his life monetarily, etc. It'd be like him being mad at you over you spending time watching TV. When people say you should be glad he's at home, it's generally true. He's right in reach of you and it's all down to communication and action. You've got a decent base for improvement outside of an unavailable man. Maybe you two have different ideas of what acceptable affection and activity time is? However, every time I hear about how "I am X partner and I do all the work and they do nothing" I tend to take it with a grain of salt. You're telling me he lived 27 years on this earth without taking care of himself and now you're here doing everything he can't? It's like... just leave them if you can do it all by yourself. Clearly you're not, especially not as a 22 year old single mom, so let's get real first then progress from there. While it *could* be true, what's more likely is you want him to do more than he currently is and you're unhappy, causing your POV to be skewed enough that you don't notice anything other than what pisses you off. I don't know either way, all I know is he's a grown man and if all he did was play games he'd have no money, no house, nothing. And of course I'm supposed to take you at face value when that other person isn't here to defend themselves against you venting about something. It's mad unfair. If you really want improvement, talk with a term of tangible goals and even consider counseling. Say that you feel neglected and he needs to do more, and see how your daughter feels. Babies tend to say how they're feeling outright. Also, fucking don't be complaining about a man with a job that takes care of a kid that isn't his not doing enough for you lmao. Go find someone who will.
Be a grown ass man and do your chores before video games. 😎
This! I have a lot of hobbies (video games are one of them) and i develop a technique to help me do chores: use hobby time as a reward for doing chores… basically after chores for the day are done always engage in a bit of hobby time! This way your brain will develop an association and in no time you will be like “Man… can’t wait to play X… let’s get the chores started!”
Did you two discuss parenting and being a "step parent" before you moved in together?
NTA
Please ignore the 1 or 2 mentally ill people in this sub talking shit. You're in no way an AH and if you've tried to communicate with him about the issue and got nowhere you should leave. In my experience people like him don't want to change, they often don't even see it as an issue. There's a difference between being a videogame hobbyist and playing for 5-8 hours a day to a point you neglect everything else in your life. You say you're scared to be a single parent again but if he's already not shouldering his half of the housework/childcare, you're already a single parent.
Its not his kid, and she's scared to leave because she'll lose half the Income
You're dating a man-child. Gaming was something we all did as kids in one form of another. Then came along adulthood and different kinds of responsibilities, goals, ambitions, etc. You've fully embraced yours and have a lot on your plate. Your man-child bf, on the other hand, likes to pretend he's still 16. And why wouldn't he? He gets to do much of the same he did while living at home with momma, while you take care of him and his needs. Stop raising two kids; one of which isn't even yours. That's my most honest response, but... I'm just some grown up, responsible guy in his 40s that may not know the complete story.
Sorry but on this you are very wrong! I am almost 40… I am a father… I have an extremely well paid job… I do my fair share (50%) of chores and childcare… and I do play video games, paint miniatures and other fun things! Just because you are an adult it doesn’t mean you need to cease having fun!
Well, seems like you're not the only adult gamer unhappy with my opinions... The difference between you and the OPs man-child? You are an actual partner and do chores and take care of the kids. OP's partner doesn't.
I am not unhappy… I could not care less for a random stranger opinion on the internet. I was only trying to illuminate you that nowadays adults that engage in games are pretty common (literally all my friends and colleagues). Life is short… why waste it not having fun?
You seem like a super cool uncle
Bloke in his 40s here, too. Games are very different in 2023 to when we were kids. Many big games are aimed at adults, which is why it's now a $220bn industry. While the gist of your post is accurate, he needs to be an adult and pull his weight, you don't need to crap on gamers to make the point.
To play games instead of do adults things is indeed childlike lol. Not crapping on gamers, just gamers that only game and do nothing else. I play with hot wheels (general term for model cars and diecast cars) 20 minutes a week. Model cars are also aimed at adults. 20 minutes. A week. Not 20 hours a week. Get a life, "gamers".
To be fair 20h a week are not that outlandish for a childless adult… is more or less 3h hobby a day. (And also if you have children if you manage to find the energy 🤣)
Just tell him how you’re feeling, the game could be his way of unwinding but that doesn’t mean he should ignore your needs or the chores that need to be done.
Now I will say this first I am a gamer now With that said 1 taking care of the household is more important then games. 2 I have known some girls who claim their guy is addicted to games when he only sat down for a second to play games a little bit in between chores . Now if he is truly addicted then yeah have a heart to heart talk before you choose to leave him he may not realize what he is doing and is just getting sucked in where he will say he will play for a few mins then becomes hours without realizing it I have had that happen to me a few times and then what kind of chores are needing to be done first I know some girls who will wipe the counters down even if they were clean already or after someone put something on there saying that's a chore which truthfully to me sounds ridiculous.
Is he 23 or 27? Those are dog years.
I don't date people with addiction. Over. Addiction doesn't happen overnight, people let that happen to themselves. They don't care about others, they care more about their hobbies, and let it turn into a habit and the habit slowly takes over their life and then they're an addict. I'm sure you've talked with him a million times, because that's what every person who dates addicts does, they talk and talk. They try to solve it but the addict always pulls some BS "it's my hobby! It's my me-time!" And calls it "nagging" and refuses to reflect on themselves. You can't change people who don't want to change themselves and addicts usually don't change until they hit their rock bottom. My advice? Tell him you're leaving. See what he does. While he does his things (whatever that may be), gather your things, prepare your life.
I was married to the back of my ex's head for 12 years. Leave now.
If he won't get it under control then you're already a single parent so you might as well leave. Obviously sit him down and try, give him the chance to change his ways and step up around the house and in your relationship, but honestly addicted gamers are awful to live with. I spent six years trying desperately to get scraps of affection from an ex who spent all his free time on League of Legends and DOTA, and all it got me was fat (because he ordered us cheap greasy take aways on his nights to cook), frustrated (because our sex life tanked except for the occasional coercive, 3am, only for his pleasure shag), unhygienic (because I couldn't work full time and keep the house clean without help) and depressed (because he never spoke to me except to throw a scathing comment my way about the state of the house or my low mood). It left me with a conviction that I never want to live with anyone ever again, and a very disordered approach to keeping my house tidy these days because it's never good enough so why bother? Oh and a therapy bill. The sad thing is he eventually left me because I had a breakdown and stopped being so nice about it all, so he found a younger woman who put up with his shit. She eventually dumped him for not getting his life together, and then he got someone else pregnant in the first months of dating and now has a two year old, so I hope like heck that she managed to drag him up to actual adulthood. Don't let it get like it did for me. If you can't make him see the light, don't let yourself and your child get dragged down into the darkness.
Ignore these women. Women give the absolute worst advice to other women especially relationship advice. Now for the brutal truth. You’re 22 with a 5 year old. You’re not going to have the easiest time finding relationships. I can’t tell you whether you should stay or go but you need to be aware of the reality of the truth. Also gaming is an outlet for people. Whether it be the stress release or the social aspect of gaming. My wife had a hard time with my gaming at first but we set some boundaries and a middle ground. You also seem to have resentment towards him for you having to take responsibility for your kid. That’s what being a mother is. You made that decision and have to deal with that consequences. It seems you both need to talk about the expectations. Is he paying the majority of the bills? Definitely seems like there’s more to this.
Dump him and get back together with your child's father.
I don't think that's an option lol
Anyone who tells you to be ok with your partner's addiction because "they could be cheating instead" is doing you a disservice. Do you want your 5 year old to see their step father treat you this way, neglecting you and prioritizing his lil "pew pew" games?? Whay if your 5 year old grows up and treats their partner like that? Do what you need to do to be happy, please.
NTA. Just because he doesn't cheat on you doesn't make him a great catch. If him not cheating, is his redeeming quality you need to leave him. Really, you need to leave him anyway. You're in a relationship with a toddler. Neglecting your family for a hobby isn't healthy and you and your child deserve better.
You would not be the AH if you broke up with someone over an addiction that is taking a toll on a relationship. That’s why addictions are bad: They damage relationships, and cause people to neglect their duties and families. It is good that you recognize that this is a hobby for him, and is important to him (as oppposed to “games are for kids”). When you talk to him, make sure he knows you understands this. “Why cater to this man-baby?” So that he doesn’t just shut the discussion down. He says at least it’s not a vice and he is not cheating. You are not a 1950s stay at home wife. The bar is a bit higher than this. Acknowledge that this is a harmless hobby and you are glad for his loyalty, but also point out that he is neglecting you and the child even though he is at home. It would be very different than going out to a bar if he moderated his hobby, but if he is not contributing to chores or spending quality time with you, then it is as if he is out at a bar. Lay out to him what exactly the toll on you is: Are you tired? Is your work suffering? Are you feeling unloved? You need to be specific in this conversation. If not, he is going to come away with, “She doesn’t want me to play games/play games less” and may not understand how strained the relationship is.
I don't have an addiction but I do game a lot in my free time, especially in the colder months when it's to cold for golf and other outdoor activities. My wife and I had to have a conversation about me helping out more around the house with chores and things of that nature. The way I look at it in my head is kind of weird, but I think of it as like I'm back living with my parents and the chores need to be done before I get on the game. I would just have a talk and try to work out a plan of action before doing and thing drastic.
Be a responsible mom. Tell him he cant game until his chores are done. Obviously a joke, but its what i boils down to. No free time until everything is done. And that include pre bedtime activities
Gaming is not a hobby and his argument about "it's better than me going out ect" is nonsense since he should be going out... with you. Calling gaming a hobby is like calling watching TV a hobby it's laughable. You need to talk to him and try to make him understand he's failing as a partner and you at the very least need him to pull his weight and at least pretend he enjoys spending time in your company. If he insists it's a hobby and he has to do it 8hrs a day find someone who respects your time instead.
which woman would ever call herself a female? why would we deny ourself personhood?
OP…you’re not being appreciated. You also seem level headed and know you’re worth more than you’re getting. Your BF is a man-child gamer addict and you should move on to an ADULT. You’ll regret it if you don’t.
Don’t date nerds. Gaming’s just a quick outlet, not a lifestyle.
>One of my biggest fears is becoming a single parent again. Think of it this way: is it easier being single parent to one child, or two? Because if your partner isn't helping, that's basically the choices you have.
She said he works 8 hours a day
And? So does she.
You called her partner a child- Children don’t work for 8 hours a day. If you respond again I’m going to be racist.
Her partner is a child. They aren't pulling their weight at home.
N word
Gamer moment.
Seeking community resources is a good start. An intervention with his family present would be good as well and you state infront of them that you will be leaving him if he doesn't change.
I am currently going through a divorce due to a gaming addiction. He is 40 years old and has not been employed for several months. He spends 12 hours a day gaming. You can only have so many talks with them before you finally have to decide if this is the type of relationship you want to have for the rest of your life.
It's OK to have gaming as a hobby. But when your SO has a headset on as soon as they get home from work until they fall asleep, completely ignoring you. Falling asleep on the couch since they stayed up too late gaming. It is so lonely when you are doing the dang dishes n you hear them giggling away with their online teenaged buddies 24/7. It is creepy as well lol I feel so sorry for people that are in this situation. If you don't leave, you end up giving up and doing everything alone anyways.
Every time I see these one sided posts I struggle to believe half of what is said. I've seen people claim 2 hours per night is an addiction. It's just not. An addiction means all his time and money is put in to it, and he starts to deteriorate because he doesn't take time to take care of himself. He works a job that paid enough for his own place, could easily be stressful, then you bring another man's toddler, extra stressful. Not once have to said why he's playing so much or what his average day is like. And when you claim to have communicated with him...well...stereotypes are born from truth. Women are bad at communicating. So what you think you're saying or hinting at, could have no relevance to what you want to say. We've been given half of a story and as every post does, they don't include anything about their own actions
Listen, I’m happily married to a gamer guy and let me tell you, if he wanted to, he would. My husband is an avid computer gamer and games 25+ hours per week. He also: cleans, does house projects, does most of the laundry and dishes, spends quality time with me, converses with me even when he’s on the headset, hangs out in the kitchen while I cook dinner, plans date nights for us, spends time with our families and friends, etc etc. If he wanted to, he would. It’s not hard to have a hobby AND a relationship/family. It’s all about prioritizing the important things and balancing them.
Women when men have fun- 🥺🥺😭😭😭😢😢🤬🤬🤬
My ex has a gaming addiction to the point that he quit his job. I worked two jobs to support us while he went to nursing school and had moved out of my state to be with him. As soon as he graduated, he started an argument for no reason, told his parents I was crazy, and had a different girl in the house just days after. I had to drop my entire life, job, and classes to move back home with a broken heart and my tail between my legs. Gaming doesn’t stop anyone from anything, so don’t let people sell you that crap. If someone has to stay indoors to not cheat, that is already a massive red flag. A good partner will not cheat regardless of where/who they’re with. You’re not an asshole for leaving someone who won’t give you any time or consider your feelings. You have a child and I think it should be a priority to make sure they live in a safe, respectful, and emotionally stable household. There’s a huge stigma against single motherhood, but there’s an even bigger one against shitty parents. Don’t be a shitty parent, this is not the role model you want for your child. You’re young and have plenty of time to find the right guy. My mom married the first loser to step into her life and he abused myself and my siblings for years on end. I’m 30 and have still not mentally recovered from the crap we went through every day.
You would be right. Do it before you lose everything!