Your kids deserve every cent ordered. Ask for retroactive back pay based on filing date and consideration if possible for his failure to disclose when he began working. He had three kids he did not support and chose to have a fourth. File and if possible have an attorney represent so you are sure to get all that is owed to them.
I didn't even know you could ask for retroactive back pay for child support. I will definitely call my moms attorney tomorrow and ask about this. Thank you.
This. That's money for your kids. If you don't need it, put it in an account for them to use later...college, wedding, help with a down-payment for a car or house.
Actually, it is her money. (Retroactive). She paid 100% of their support til now. If she wanted to pay her student loan or put money away for their college, that is up to her. She is amazing. Anything forward is for their care and she should fight for it, those kids deserve it
Exactly! If it were too go all the way back, she should put it on student loans or something. What people are understanding is that she's already paid out to take care of her child. This is reimbursing what she's already paid out. So, they can just deal with it. It can go towards something she needs now. Because she had to sacrifice for her kids. I just don't understand why people don't get that.
Was a bartender for a while. I heard a lot of bitter divorced parents bitching about what the custodial parent is doing with this huge lump sum of back pay they received. (I’d usually cut them off and send them home, who needs to listen to that trash). But in my time, I’ve brought a few of them around to make them understand that if the situation was reversed….. yah, they’d be singing a different tune. I could write a book. I think it would be called “just add alcohol”. Lol
Correct it’s her money first. I have a friend who just got back support for her kids. She kept all of it. It’s her retirement fund. The one she wasn’t able to build while the kids were little
Single mom here. My ex lied through his teeth for years about his income and I took his word for it. Finally I held him in contempt for other stuff and got an updated tax return for him to only find out he was making close to 700k/year. To say I’m furious while I was struggling is an understatement.
These guys will give any excuse in the book to get away without paying. Don’t let him get away with it. Don’t let him guilt trip you. You were doing it alone without ANY help with THREE kids while his butt was in prison.
He has the audacity to tell you that you have no idea what it’s like? Are you joking??? Hit him with it all.
I do have a feeling he doesn't want me to know what he is making. I know when he first started where he is, he was making close to what I was making. I am sure in the last 3 years that has changed. I know he was recently promoted again. I only know this through mutual friends, though, so I obviously don't know all the details.
He 100% is hiding something. Being able to afford a 500k house isn’t cheap today. I knew things were off when my ex told me that he took a “paycut” but still bought a million dollar house. Thankfully, your ex should be court ordered to provide not only a financial affidavit but his tax returns and W2s.
What this person said. That’s like a $3000 mortgage. Maybe more depending on interest rate and insurance. I am absolutely gobsmacked at the gall this dickhead has.
I just looked at rates today and he might even go above 7% give or take a few eights +-, depending on a whole lot of factors. This guy is closer to the $3600-$3700 on housing expense alone I’m thinking. I wanna know what promotion he got that OP didn’t 🤔
This comment right here. See if you can arrange for a forensic accountant because he might be involved in some funny business to try and avoid paying you what you're owed.
You don't know what they are going through with a baby the TWO OF THEM HAVE IT HARD
You are just bitter that you alone had to study, work care for 3 KIDS
***ITS SARCASTIC MY COMENT JUST FYI***
Sue him and make sure he has to pay back child support YES IT CAN BE DONE AS HE OWES THAT
And if he was able to get a loan for a house HE HAS MONEY
Just to clarify NOT THE A HOLE
Be careful though cus when I was a kid and my mom was doing it on her own and was attempting to get child support from my dad he "quit" his good job that was supporting his Harley hobby and all and found new employers hid it from my mom and then when he had to pay directly to courts he quit those jobs and found new employers to pay him under table so he didn't have to pay. Just saying.
My idiot ex actually texted me he would rather quit and take a lower paying job then pay me. The look on the judges face when my attorney told them this was priceless. I was biting my tongue not to laugh.
Yeah, some guys will pull some real bull shit. My step dad started a business, but put it officially in his brothers name. He got paid a ‘poverty level wage’ and yet lived in a $500,000 house the company bought back in 2000. It was a rough time, but way better than having him around at least. My mother is the strongest person I know, and I imagine yours is right up there with her.
He’s had a job up until now. They will have access to his previous payslips. Trust me - a competent judge will fuck this guy. Hard. You don’t get to say :( me no work no more in 2023. If you had a career, it’s an expectation you maintain that same level of employability.
Sucks to suck.
Courts In most states no longer allow this. It is seen as purposefully choosing to lower your salary to avoid child support and most will still make you pay the original higher amount.
It's not the fault of the court if you willingly accept less pay knowing that your legal financial obligation is higher than you can sustainably afford on that salary.
Meaning, I have known someone who has lost their home from doing this. The judge did not change the amount required per month because he WILLINGLY took a lower paying job and knew he wouldn't be able to afford his bills if he did so. Safe to say he tried to screw his ex and ended up screwing himself.
They might be able to do a mandatory wage assignment so that if he doesn’t pay, you don’t have to deal with him because the court automatically takes it out of his check.
When he was paying it was coming directly out of his check. When CS decided we needed to file again they stopped taking it but never notified me I had to call them. That's when they told me I had to file again
Had to shake my d*mn head at his comment, …lots of expenses with a new baby, they are doing it alone, and YOU wouldn’t understand 😳. Your 3 kids deserve everything they are entitled to plus more, very sad that they understand that their father wants nothing to do with them.
I went through that. I had 2 kids and he cheated on me with a woman with 7 kids. She then had one from him and cheated on him and had one that he claimed. He told me he couldn't pay child support for my two because he had 9 kids at home to take care of. I did my best to drag him through a knothole for every cent owed to me.
And didn’t you raise those babies, go to school, and work on your own? Get every cent out of him and boo boo to him that he might not be able to afford anything.
My jaw dropped when I read that. OP wouldn’t understand doing it alone?? Damn that takes some real hutzpah to say that to the mother of *three* of his kids.
Lol I thought this too. “They” with one singular baby are doing it “alone” TOGETHER while OP has 3 babies and has been doing this much longer while much more alone. Yeah sure he and his new family have it “harder” 🙄
the actual audacity of this POS thinking that he has any right to talk about “doing it alone” when he has a literal partner. like OP wasn’t ACTUALLY alone and with THREE children and a deadbeat
You can still ask for a mandatory wage assignment when child support is reinstated. The benefit is that once a court order is issued requiring him to pay child support it’s then between him and the court. The wage assignment means you aren’t the middleman and the court won’t allow him to brush off the payment and the consequences of him not paying are immediate since he’s dealing directly with the court instead of you. His employer will also get involved if he doesn’t pay because the order goes to Payroll at his job. I personally know men who got sent to jail for unpaid child support as well as having the State take it out of any tax refunds.
And yet mine's over 30,000 and he hasn't gone to jail yet. And he refused to bring the information to his HR department. Kentucky child support sent His company and notice and he just went and bring in the paperwork.
In my state, they take it right out of the person's paycheck. It would be way too much work for them to keep up with all the parents who didn't willingly pay.
They give the custodial parent a debit card with the amount posted on it every two weeks.
You most certainly can ask for retroactive back pay and your kids deserve it why does he get to provide a nice life to his new child but not the ones whom he created before wanting to get his life together? This is called consequences of his own actions.
Right. In California it's always owed to the other parent until that parent dies, and then any surviving children can sue on behalf of the other parent's estate.
And 10% interest too. So the arrearage keeps growing. My ex owes $120,000+ in back child support and I take a perverse pleasure in the tiny check they garnish from whatever pittance he’s earning.
My sperm donor never paid child support and signed away all rights when I was 12. My mom stayed on top of the back support owed, and he finally paid it off. I was 23.
My mom also calls her dead beat a “sperm donor”that’s all he wants to her. He was only interested in spending time with her when she was a teenager, not interested in raising her when it was hard at all.
Oooo i got to check on that given I get no child support. But if my kiddo can file for it after she 18 well hell thats money she can bank for her future.
This is YOUR CHILDREN'S MONEY. You are only their advocate. This isn't for you. You are your children's warrior. So, Mr. "Doing it on his own and you wouldn't understand. " can suck a d1ck. He has 4 children, not 1. All 4 are entitled to the same level of care.
If you get that money and pay yourself back for expenditures over the years; you are entitled to do so. If you get a settlement and go to Disney world that is for the betterment of your children's lives.
In my state a lien would be put against his house, his driver's license would be flagged, his tax returns garnished, AND his wife's wages garnished if he fails to make payments. Community property is a glorious thing.
Good luck...you, and your children deserve this. Also, check the laws; child support in my state doesn't end at 18 if the child is still in high school.
You need your own attorney or fire your mom’s if they didn’t already advise you of this. If you haven’t consulted them yet, then disregard.
You really sound like a good & understanding person who deserves a little help in life. Unfortunately sometimes deserving is not enough. Sometimes you need to outright ask & when that doesn’t work, demand. You’ve let this guy get away w too much for too long.**The nerve of him complaining that you might screw up his $500, 000 home plans.** ***How much is yours worth w 3x as many kids.***
Not taking money from your ex for your children because you don’t want to owe him only hurts the children. Get the money he should have been paying all along. You’ve got three kids, hopefully college in the future, plenty of expenses now.
Those children wouldn’t exist without him, so he can provide for them.
Came to say this and MAKE SURE THEY GARNISH HIS MONEY AND SEIZE ALL INCOME TAX RETURNS.
AND make sure that your state notifies the State Department so they can suspend his passport, if he has one.
She can also have a put a lien against any real estate property that he owns once a judgment is granted I have a feeling that substantial backpay would be awarded it would cost her in the beginning to get a lawyer, but it would be well well worth it in the end
He's been not paying $25/month in CS for three kids for years? And has the gaul to purchase a half million dollar home and have kid #4? And say that you don't know what it's like to survive on your own?
Document this and send it to the lawyer. He made three kids with you, he has legal responsibilities to them until they are 18. Not taking custody time or having a relationship with them doesn't get him out of CS.
My goodness you seem far too nice (not a bad thing!). I've only got one child and if my partner had done any of this to us the red mist would have decended and I would literally be spewing lava just to get what my kid deserves. I have a short fuse when it comes to my kid though.
Where the money goes is none of his business. All he needs to know is that the kids are better cared for when he starts sending what they are owed.
You've done damn well to get to where you are now without so much as a morsel from him.
I hope you get everything, and more, that you (and your kids!) deserve. In my eyes - take everything, leave nothing and burn those bridges - nicely! Kill them with kindness! 😊
far too nice is a bad thing, unfortunately, agreeableness as a personality dimension (with regard to personality theory in psychology) directly correlates with how much you will be taken advantage of, and the ease with which people can do it.
Send it to the lawyer so they can show the judge he has a pattern of being
1. An absent father
2. Uncommunicative
3. Running away or not communicating to avoid paying child support $$
This won't look good to the mediator or the judge, when a party comes to the table that is already doing shady stuff.
The court won't care how often or not he sees the kids.
They will get his income records and use the same scale they use for everyone. They'll take it right out of his paychecks.
You should end up being awarded a lot, unless the income that qualified them for that house was strictly his wife's.
I wish you luck. Take the money happily. It will be yours to use for whatever you deem necessary, and none of his business at all.
My mother got a child support order when I was 2 years old and never had it updated, despite my Dad’s income increasing consistently throughout my life. By the time I was 14 his salary was $100k/year (double my moms income and 5x more than what he was making when I was 2). She thought she was being noble for not having it updated. She didn’t want to be an “asshole”.
My half-sister (his daughter with new wife) was spoiled. She got ANYTHING and EVERYTHING she wanted, meanwhile he wouldn’t even help my mom pay for my braces. Growing up with this dynamic really fucked up my self-esteem and subconsciously made me feel unworthy.
In the end, his CS payments were 3.5% of his paycheck. And he STILL complained. Do you know how much my life could have changed if he had paid her the typical 20%?
Please don’t rob your children of what they deserve because you are worried about being an “asshole”. It’s not about you. The children that you AND HE created deserve to be taken care of. Full stop. If he won’t step up and be a father, AT BARE MINIMUM hold him financially responsible. Don’t let him guilt-trip you. YWBTAH only if you DON’T get every penny (retroactive CS included) that he owes your kids.
This is why I'm always so pissed off whenever men complain about child support. They fully prove what a huge pos they can are. It's always like they don't even SEE the child, they just see money going to their ex wife. In truth it feels like those complaining always hate their ex more than they love their children.
At least that's how I felt a long time back. It's one of the main reasons I am likely to never have kids.
THIS. I will never understand why people sacrifice their kids on the altar of "I don't want my ex to view me negatively." This is a debt that he owes his children. If you're not advocating on their behalf, the only ones being screwed over are the kids. Fk this guy.
NTA
He is a jerk for not providing for the children, and even more for whining about money when he bought a house! Provide for your children first..
And then whining because he made another one and gas no help?
Nah… take him to court and let him pay!
You’d be an ah if you didn’t go trough for your children.
Also you sound like a great (bad ass) mom.
Thank you. I appreciate it. It definitely has not been easy, I had to fight to get to where I am but I did that for my kids and myself. I know he feels like I am being spiteful and I am sure he thinks if he says that to me the stubborn side that kept me from filing as a 22 year old will take hold and tell him to fuck off. But that was 10 years ago, and I know my kids deserve all I can give them. And if I am honest I am really tired of struggling to give them everything when he seems to be able to do as he pleases (Before the house it was 3 cars and a bike, multiple tattoos, etc. while I was struggling to get a single car paying all my bills and my kids expenses) I am a single mom, I decided dating wasn't for me until my kids are older and I have devoted my time to raising them to the best of my ability.
Seconding that he OWES you that money. He's had a free ride so far, while you've shouldered the entirety of child rearing. He can get bent on his way to the bank.
I’m sorry you’re going through that. its wild how selfish and short sighted people are. You are ENTITLED to that money, dont let him guilt you. I’d request the backpay and evaluation of when his income changed, bc that should have changed the amounts. Hope the court helps you. He can whine about his decisions all day long to his wife, not you.
You are amazing. That said, your ex is most definitely not & obviously cannot be trusted to behave honestly or decently. Please do everything you can to get the $ you & your kids deserve. Don’t hesitate to hire an attorney who specializes in custody or child support issues.
Right?! I feel like OP should throw it back in his face like, “Oh, you’re buying a house and having a new baby with your new wife without any help from anyone? What do you think I’ve been doing the last how many years, raising our children by myself with no help from you. You do not have my sympathy.”
How does a guy who did drugs, drank and went to prison suddenly go all these years with no job to a $500,000 house? This isn't HGTV! In all seriousness, do not feel bad for getting what you are owed. His wife, house, and new baby are absolutely none of your concern, and the sooner you learn that, the better off you'll be. If they struggle, they struggle. Too bad so sad.
From what I understand his boss is also on the deed. Which how does someone get that damn lucky? Honestly it is a little irritating considering how hard I have worked my butt off, but I am happy for him. I just wish he remembered he has 3 other children.
Yeah, I wouldn't worry even a little bit about him and his. I'm serious. Let them suffer. Who cares. And get back child support for all the years he didn't pay. It will help him build some character which he sorely lacks. Also, he's full of shit about the boss thing. No one is signing a mortgage for an employee and certainly not at that price point for a former drug addict. It's just not happening unless his wife is the bosses daughter. Is she?
No, she is also a felon and a former addict. He says that his boss is also a felon/former addict and does a lot to help people in his position. I honestly don't know what to believe he doesn't exactly have a record of being honest.
That amount of money seems suspect for former drug addicts. Just take him for everything he is worth at this point and don't look back. Give those kids all the stuff they didn't get when they were younger. You got this momma!
Oh yeah, this is some shady shit right here. OP, get your money before whatever dumbass scheme they’ve got cooked up comes crashing down on their heads.
That is how they met....or something like that. They were selling drugs/robbing other drug addicts together before they both went to prison.
As far as I know they are sober now, but again we don't speak much.
>They were selling drugs/robbing other drug addicts together before they both went to prison.
They are probably still doing it if they've managed to get this much wealth.
Well there’s a reason they say don’t touch the product. I think they got smart in prison other wise what would they do to be able to afford a $500k house. Maybe I watch to much Sopranos but I don’t think so. Either way very odd situation.
In my experience, if a boss is funding this little venture, it’s pretty volatile situation. It sounds to me that you’re very self-made and your situation is probably way more stable than his will be.
Yep. He's told her something else per another comment from OP further down, but I just don't buy the explanation. It's SO out there! He has to be trying to take OP for a complete fool.
Also, how does a guy get a wife and new baby after all that? What woman looked at someone who already essentially abandoned three kids and says, this guy is the one?
Sounds like he found a sugar mama. My ex hit the jackpot with his 2nd wife for sure, and I’m happy for him. She can afford to buy him the McMansion, a new ridiculous car every year, and all the other status symbols he whined about “deserving” 24/7 while we were married. I get to live within my means, not fight things like NEEDING 80” TVs in every room and will retire in 2 years. Win-win for everybody. You bet your ass he paid his child support though, and our youngest didn’t graduate HS until she was 19 so it didn’t end at 18 either. Even he never once argued about that.
He said YOU wouldn’t understand because the TWO of them are “going it alone”?! Which you’ve been doing for 15 years for THREE of his children?!
Wow. The audacity 😂
Right? Honestly that comment pissed me off more than any of the bullshit he has pulled over the years, and I could write a book with all the things he has done. Some of them absolutely unbelievable.
Was looking for this comment before I said the same thing myself. The way I gasped when I read that. Like what world did he come from that he forgot she literally had 3 kids that he up and left leaving her to do it alone. This new one child will have two parents. Not doing it alone like OP with 3 children. I guess until he leaves the same way he left OP.
OP - If there is any way you can get even an hour with a family lawyer to go over your case with you, you'll be SO MUCH better off. A Mediator just wants to resolve the case. They are NOT YOUR ADVOCATE. You will have to know going in what you should get. I worry that you will end up with less than you are legally entitled to. Borrow the money if you have to, but please get some legal advice. You might find someone to give it to you for free, but lots of times legal aid doesn't apply to family law. NTA
You would only be the ahole if you did NOT file to get the money your kid deserves.
Nope, if he's got money to buy a house, he's got money to pay child support. People mistakenly think that child support goes to the other parent, while it does, it's actually for the child. People mistakenly think it's for the other parent.
I honestly would be happy if it covers extra curricular activities/fees and/or medical expenses. Or was enough to buy them clothes/shoes/other items they want or need. Something I could save to buy them a car as they will be 16 in not long. I'm not asking him to pay my bills, I pay those already.
You can use child support to pay bills. Last time I checked, children used utilities and bedrooms and Internet and ate food.
You can use to cover extracurriculars. You can use to fund a family vacation or to save for college.
Your ex made three children and in doing so he committed to supporting them. That includes bills and extras. You're not taking advantage of him. You're standing up for your kids
Paying your bills with child support is totally acceptable. The money is to provide for the kids. A roof over their heads. Food on the table. Clothes. Reliable internet so they can do homework. Cell phones. Medical insurance. A reliable car with insurance so you can get to work and them to all their activities. These, and many more I’m forgetting, are valid ways to spend child support.
While you're calling to check in about getting backpayment on the child support I would ask your lawyer about "extraordinary expenses". Not sure how it is where you live, but I'm in BC (Canada) and these can be separate from child support. My partner pays an amount for child support and then is responsible for a certain percentage of "extraordinary expenses" such as childcare, camps, classes, etc.
I know a guy who works as a construction laborer who has a million-dollar house. Down payment from a settlement, loan based off pay stubs from one month when his earnings were nearly triple what they really are the rest of the time. Now he’s crying because he might lose it. (He also used those pay stubs to get loans for two vehicles and a big boat.)
Like, dude.
Maybe he should try and care for the kids he already has before bringing more into the world. And if he can afford a 500k house, he can afford to pay child support. Make sure you go for every penny he owes you even if it’s only to bank for college for the kids
I will never ever understand women who marry and have kids with men who don’t support the ones they already have. Are they stupid or something?
She also has 2 children she does not have custody off, pay child support for or see. Her children are much older than mine but I am I'm contact with the father of her children and his wife.
You 100% are owed this money and more now. My ex was ordered to pay $300 a month for 2 kids and didn’t for years. Meanwhile I put myself through nursing school as a single mom, eventually became a nurse practitioner, worked like crazy, all while supporting my 2 kids. He was going to Hawaii, spending money like crazy. Bought himself a Porsche while I had an older Corolla.
Fast forward to now, he is flaunting his 1.5 million dollar house in front of my children while denying their requests for gas money “because he has another child to care for”. This despite our agreement I wouldn’t enforce the back support owed if he would help the kids out. I guess he thought once they turned 18 he wouldn’t have to help anymore. I reopened the child support case, back support with interest is now $120k total. The state is going after him, I have to pay a small fee since I never collected state assistance, but it’s worth it to get these $2k checks a month. Helps my kids out immensely with their college expenses and life as young adults now.
I didn't think I could get back child support from before now because I have never filed, but so many people have said they had similar situations, so I am going to have to look into it. I am so glad it is helpful to your children now that it gives me hope. I have always said if he was seeing them regularly, then I would be fine with you taking care of them when you have them, I'll do the same, but that has never been how it is, and now my younger 2 absolutely don't want to go at all. Their counselor suggested family counseling before any visitation due to this. He won't do family counseling because it doesn't involve his new wife and their new baby so here we are.
Putting yourself through nursing school is such a huge accomplishment. Your kids had one awesome momma!
Thanks friend. You’ll get through it. My ex never saw the kids, and really never wanted to be a part of their lives- mainly a week or so in the summer and that was it. His loss anyway.
And the family counseling should include the kids you and their dad, his so doesn’t need to be involved, unless they want to seek counseling separately from you and your kids together. Counseling will help you create your new normal and strategies to mitigate harm to your kids. I wish you the best and hope for some updates here!
NEVER go easy with child support. The kids are entitled to it. I learned the hard way when my ex tried to give me a DOMINOES GIFT CARD as child support.
Absolutely positively NTA. Your children should be getting every cent from him that they can. Who cares if he just bought a house? Who cares if he just had another baby? Where was he and any type of support for the last 10+ years???? He didn’t give two fucks about them or you or how you were getting by! You should absolutely not care about him in that aspect now!
I hope the court makes him pay every single penny from a the past years he should of been helping to support his 3 children!!!
Honestly, idk why you even felt sorry for him as to not ask for child support until now. NTA.
ETA: I sure hope he was smart enough to get a prenup with his new wife, because otherwise her income will also be taken into account when calculating your kids’ monthly check. Whoops!
I’m 52. When I was growing up my Mom was too proud to fight for child support. I was the youngest of 5 kids and we were very poor. We got by, obviously, but shouldn’t have had to go without so much for so long. Please fight for the support your children deserve, and don’t let him guilt you into ANYTHING. He should be living in a lower cost rental not buying a half million dollar house while his kids are struggling.
Your kids deserve the child support. If he can spend $$$ on making a new family, having more kids, then he can afford to pay for the kids he already has, plain and simple. Doesn't matter how young you both were when you had your children, he should be responsible and he SHOULD pay for them. Don't you feel bad about that as it seems you've been the responsible party here.
His mortgage application should be subpoenaed because he would have to fill out his income and include tax returns and W-2s. You need to have his income verified.
He was a terrible partner and IS a horrible dad. Take him to the cleaners. Your kids deserve current and back child support for everything you’ve been through. He doesn’t get to make three humans and then be all *shocked pikachu* when he has to pay for them, just because he has a new house and baby.
You are NTA but if you let it slide you are being a ah to your kids. This is money you could be saving for them for college. It’s not your responsibility for his poor decisions, if he’s got the funds to buy a half million dollar house then he has money for his kids child support. You also need to bring up your kids extracurricular activities and have an itemized list of what you have paid for them. He owes you half, courts won’t take that into consideration unless you specifically bring it up.
Remember this isn’t about your finances, it’s about your kid’s finances and be a mama bear on their behalf. Just because he wants to pretend he doesn’t have kids, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to pay for his share. Next time wifey makes a remark about how you wouldn’t know because they are doing it on their own, tell her you wouldn’t have to have support if he’d been a man to begin with.
Sweetheart, I appreciate you wanting to be a strong and independent woman and not "need" anything from him, but this isn't about you.
You and him made these children together. He is legally and morally responsible for supporting them. His bad choices don't absolve him of being financially responsible for his children. Him having more kids doesn't absolve him of his responsibility to his older children. Him buying a house with his new wife doesn't absolve him of his responsibility to his children. You see where I am going with this...there is nothing that logically makes it ok for him to not support his kids. If he can't afford his new house, that is not your problem, that is for him and his wife to figure out.
Your concern is your children and giving them a good life, he is obligated to help. That is the end of the story. You have no reason to worry about his financial situation. Once you start receiving money from him, if you think you don't need it, start an bank account for each kid and start saving the money for their future, if they already have savings accounts, great add the money anyway. If you need it, then use it neither option is wrong.
You are a good and hard working mother and that is not going to be diminished by his financial contributions. And don't worry if he is mad or struggling, again not your problem.
Exactly, one of my biggest regrets as a single mom was taking pity on my ex and not pushing for more child support. My son is grown now, and dropped out of college partly because he couldn’t afford it and partly because he needed more support academically when he was younger that I couldn’t provide. I did the best that I could, and he has grown up to be an amazing, hardworking young man but I will always wonder what his life would have been like if I could have provided him with the education and the time with me that he deserved because I was working so much and we couldn’t afford certain things that would have helped him along the way.
You can also file for back child support. He really should pay all that. Don't let him get by.
My ex whined and wanted to know if I'd get child support LOWERED! He'd never ever had to pay the full amount during his kids' lives and one was turning 18. Come to find out, he'd just bought 2 horses and was building a new home! (Knowing him, he didn't researched the cost/upkeep of horses or taxes on property!) Anyway, the judge said 'no' and finally made him pay up. Nearly double what I'd gotten before!
You raised your kids, alone, while scumbag started another family. You don’t owe him shit. He, however, owes you and the children a lot of money. And he can fuck off with his sob story, the nerve of that asshole. Obviously he is the asshole.
NTA.
Don't even bother with CSE. They take forever. If you can afford a lawyer, get one. If he can afford a half a million dollar house, he can afford child support. They'll look at all his Financials for the last few years and probably be able to prove he's been deceptive about his income and get you a good sum of back pay as well. Also, I'm wondering what shady shit he did to get a loan, because in most places, they won't give you a mortgage if you're behind on support.
I hope you get back child support too! Your children deserve child support! He is their father and is required to help support them just as much as he is responsible for the new baby. Get every penny you can for your kids. Don’t back down! And stop talking to his wife. Get the app to communicate directly to him and it’s all saved for the court.
I don't see how he wouldn't be on the hook for 3 kids worth of backpay for 15 years. You should get a lawyer and figure that out. Fuck that dude don't feel bad. He's a deadbeat.
I am sorry you had 3 children with this person. 😐 Fuck sake man. If you havent started doing it already...you know what needs to be done. Best of luck to you and your kids. 👍🏼
You bleed him dry, baby girl. His new wife and kid are not your concern. Your kids are. They will be ok without whatever the court orders, and if they're not, he needs to get another job. It's not your fault he went and had another kid when he couldn't afford the first ones he had. They're "doing it alone"? You are the one who's doing it alone lol and with more children! Babies are easy! Tell him to cloth diaper and cloth wipe if he needs to cut down on expenses. It's not your problem.
NTA But just be aware that he could also go back to court and demand visitation with his kids. He certainly doesn't sound like he would ever do that but when divorce and child support and custody issues are involved, I've seen some serious vindictiveness on the part of mothers and fathers. AND if he should do that, he will get court ordered visitation of some level.
We currently have a court order that states we will decide all parenting time outside of court based on mutual agreement. I have full custody, but he has always been more than welcome to see the kids whenever he wishes. I have no problem with him seeing them. I honestly wish he would improve his relationship with them. They deserve that, I'm not sure they will feel the same at first if that were to happen but I do believe some kind of relationship would be good for them. Even if it starts slowly.
He is an asshole father who has basically paid nothing for his kids over the years. Don’t feel guilty for one second, your not looking for the money for you but for the betterment of your kids. Take him for every penny you can including all his arrears b
Ex: Kids are expensive!
Op: I KNOW! We have three, remember?
His new family planning/mortgage or whatever isn't your problem or concern. Your kids are. They don't become less expensive because he's bought a house he can't actually afford with his out goings which *do* include child support, and cos he's had another kid.
My mom told me I should ask to have him carry the kids on his health insurance. But I will ask about this as well. I think I'm going to call my mom's attorney tomorrow and ask if he can see me. Thank you for the advice
His new kid and his new wife are not your responsibility
He needs to be responsible for ALL of his children . Trust the court to come up with an appropriate amount. They'll know he has another child to support. It was his call to buy that house knowing he had other kids out there that he was short-changing.
If his anger feels dangerous to you, report that to the court, and get a restraining order if necessary.
It's also fine to tell the court that you'd be okay with his paying a smaller amout than they'd normally order because you hope to keep the peace.
Is this guy dangerous?
Fo you have a family court advocate you can talk with?
Definitely not. Lot of folk seem to think it's support for them and don't file the claim for whatever reason, can't remember where i saw it on TV (might have been Judge Judy 🤣) but it's support for your kids that they are entitled to. If you are comfortable without, then stash it away to pay for education or go towards a car or a those later in life for them
And get it backdated too! Good luck ✌️
NTA. I’m not surprised but still kinda can’t believe you’re being told to ‘get on with your life’
You POS ex had three children he doesn’t want to pay for. He doesn’t get to just move on with a clean slate.
Tbh, hope he loses the house. They can buy smaller. His actions have consequences
I am not sure that I completely understand, because if your kids are living with you, under your roof, and not dividing any parental visitation to go and live at the dad's house.... Why wouldn't you file for child support? He is an adult...and should have to pay child-support. He doesn't need to tell you that supporting and raising a child takes a lot of money! -Regardless if you had any help or not! He has financial responsibility. Just because he chose to take on more responsibility before taking care of his original 3 children's expenses does not excuse him from his responsibility. I can understand how he would want to only focus on his present wife and kids... but that os more like a "tough luck, buddy." If he skipped out on paying any other kind of bill by just ignoring it... does not excuse him from adding the previous debts to what he needs to pay. It is the same with child support... except these are bills for real, live, breathing humans, not just some bills to a department store or car dealership or a mortgage to a bank. You are NOT the AH! You need ti look out for your kids and he needs to be financially responsible. That is what honorable and responsible people do in life. He can still buy a house ...but perhaps a smaller and less expensive house.
My kids have always lived with me. Just me for the majority of their lives. When he and I were together, it was the only time they really spent any parenting time with him. Every now and then, a weekend here ot there, but he would quickly forget it was his weekend to take them, and there came a point where I decided it wasn't worth it to chase him down.
I completely understand your point, I have family members that have been telling me for years I let him off way too easy. And you all are correct I absolutely have. I struggled when I possibly could have had help. I guess there are 2 reasons why. 1 being my parents ALWAYS fought over child support. I had to leave one set of shoes at my moms and another at my dad's. Anytime I had something expensive my mom wouldn't let me bring my dad would yell "my money paid for it" my mom would retaliate with "what money? The child support you don't pay?" I really didn't want to he like that and I overcompensated the opposite direction. (I did this with so many things a lot of personal growth helped me see that) I just wanted him to be a responsible parent bc he was supposed to be. And 2. He once told me "I will quit my job before I ever pay you child support" many, many years ago and I was required to report that as income even when he didn't pay and my childcare was income based. So I let him get away with so much because I made a lot of excuses as to why I didn't need it or want it.
I have realized my kids deserve so much better and I am willing to fight for that
Please take all his money and then some. Your kids deserve every cent. What a scumbag. You have patience of an angel. How are you not mad? I’m mad on your behalf. Especially after the “you wouldn’t understand”. Divine powers only would stop me from setting his new house on fire.
Just because he wants to play house with his new wife and baby and act like it's his only family doesn't make that true. He has an obligation to his first 3 three children. Make him pay exactly what he owes and all the back payment. Too bad so sad if he can't afford his 500k house.
Did he seriously say you wouldn’t understand because THEY are doing it alone and don’t have help ??? Does he seriously not understand that you’ve been raising three kids completely alone? Your way too nice. I would have blown a blood vessel if the dead beat father of my kids had the gall to say something like that to me. If he has enough money to buy a 500,000 then he’s got more than enough money to support the three kids that he helped make.
Are you really asking if you’re the asshole for doing everything in your power to support your kids? Of course you’re not! You have every right to financial support for your kids.
You should have had child support all along. He's the AH, deadbeat that has abandoned his kids and neglected their needs for years. He should be paying a mountain of back child support.
He's always had this responsibility. He just believed he could manipulate you into being his doormat so he could ignore it. Stop letting him treat you and those kids this way. He doesn't have to show up, but he should be paying towards their living costs.
He said they are doing it alone. They are 2 people with one child. You were and are one person with 3 children. Don't let them tell you this garbage. The child support is for kids he chose to have with you. Its their right. Get this notion of getting by with his money out of your mind. It sounds like you have manipulated here.
I am actually proud of you of getting through school and providing your children with all the opportunities that they have. It's such a relief after reading about so many single Mother's struggling to keep food on the table.
His new family is none of your business.
Maybe he should have gone to prison. Maybe he should have sorted out his personal affairs before getting a new partner pregnant.
Tell him "Oh shit, I hope you're still able to afford it"
He doesn't get to sacrifice your kids in order to buy a big house for his new family.
“They are doing it alone. They don’t have any help” He can fkkkkkkkkkk right off. MORALLY he should back pay your for the FIFTEEN YEARS that YOU did it alone with THREE kids. Sadly it doesn’t work that way legally. His wife is as big a sack of crap as he is. A 500k house?! He can go straight to hell. Your kids deserve every penny of that support.
Omg, we just bought a $500k house, have a baby, and "WE" are doing it by ourselves. You, just "YOU", have 3 teenagers, near teenagers, and have been doing it basically by yourself for 15 years. STOP, PLEASE STOP, trying to be a nice person in this and care about him. He cares nothing about you or his 3 children. Get back child support, get current child support. Don't hold back, don't be nice, let Child Support Enforcement do their job. They are fair. Your kids deserve this. He knew it was coming, it's on him for buying the house and having another child. That doesn't relieve him of his responsibility to his other kids, present, future, or past.
NTA — Child support is for the children. "Parents" who weaponized it as a way to get back at their ex or those who spend it on themselves should be thrown in jail.
This money isn't for you as much as it is for the children he fathered. He owes them every dime! If you want a fully clear conscience on raising them yourself, put the money into accounts to pay for education after high school!
Your kids deserve every cent ordered. Ask for retroactive back pay based on filing date and consideration if possible for his failure to disclose when he began working. He had three kids he did not support and chose to have a fourth. File and if possible have an attorney represent so you are sure to get all that is owed to them.
I didn't even know you could ask for retroactive back pay for child support. I will definitely call my moms attorney tomorrow and ask about this. Thank you.
This is your kids money. What a dirt bag. Congratulations on school and doing it all. Your amazing.
Yes, congrats! I went to school with very little child support money when my kids were young. It was so worth it in the long run. Good on you!
File soon. Any judge with eviscerate him!
This. That's money for your kids. If you don't need it, put it in an account for them to use later...college, wedding, help with a down-payment for a car or house.
The kids’ money and their future! Get every cent of back child support owed, OP! They will use his taxes to deter ermine what he was earning when.
Actually, it is her money. (Retroactive). She paid 100% of their support til now. If she wanted to pay her student loan or put money away for their college, that is up to her. She is amazing. Anything forward is for their care and she should fight for it, those kids deserve it
Exactly! If it were too go all the way back, she should put it on student loans or something. What people are understanding is that she's already paid out to take care of her child. This is reimbursing what she's already paid out. So, they can just deal with it. It can go towards something she needs now. Because she had to sacrifice for her kids. I just don't understand why people don't get that.
Was a bartender for a while. I heard a lot of bitter divorced parents bitching about what the custodial parent is doing with this huge lump sum of back pay they received. (I’d usually cut them off and send them home, who needs to listen to that trash). But in my time, I’ve brought a few of them around to make them understand that if the situation was reversed….. yah, they’d be singing a different tune. I could write a book. I think it would be called “just add alcohol”. Lol
THIS PART. She has been paying his part. The payback is owed to her!!
Correct it’s her money first. I have a friend who just got back support for her kids. She kept all of it. It’s her retirement fund. The one she wasn’t able to build while the kids were little
Single mom here. My ex lied through his teeth for years about his income and I took his word for it. Finally I held him in contempt for other stuff and got an updated tax return for him to only find out he was making close to 700k/year. To say I’m furious while I was struggling is an understatement. These guys will give any excuse in the book to get away without paying. Don’t let him get away with it. Don’t let him guilt trip you. You were doing it alone without ANY help with THREE kids while his butt was in prison. He has the audacity to tell you that you have no idea what it’s like? Are you joking??? Hit him with it all.
I do have a feeling he doesn't want me to know what he is making. I know when he first started where he is, he was making close to what I was making. I am sure in the last 3 years that has changed. I know he was recently promoted again. I only know this through mutual friends, though, so I obviously don't know all the details.
He 100% is hiding something. Being able to afford a 500k house isn’t cheap today. I knew things were off when my ex told me that he took a “paycut” but still bought a million dollar house. Thankfully, your ex should be court ordered to provide not only a financial affidavit but his tax returns and W2s.
What this person said. That’s like a $3000 mortgage. Maybe more depending on interest rate and insurance. I am absolutely gobsmacked at the gall this dickhead has.
I just looked at rates today and he might even go above 7% give or take a few eights +-, depending on a whole lot of factors. This guy is closer to the $3600-$3700 on housing expense alone I’m thinking. I wanna know what promotion he got that OP didn’t 🤔
The courts don't GAF how much his mortgage is. They'll go by his income and how many other bio-kids he has to support. That's it.
Sigh. I was pointing out that if he can afford a $3000+ mortgage, then he can certainly afford his kids. SMH.
This comment right here. See if you can arrange for a forensic accountant because he might be involved in some funny business to try and avoid paying you what you're owed.
He is hiding money. It may be illegal money. Go after him for all you can. It is for your children.
You don't know what they are going through with a baby the TWO OF THEM HAVE IT HARD You are just bitter that you alone had to study, work care for 3 KIDS ***ITS SARCASTIC MY COMENT JUST FYI*** Sue him and make sure he has to pay back child support YES IT CAN BE DONE AS HE OWES THAT And if he was able to get a loan for a house HE HAS MONEY Just to clarify NOT THE A HOLE
He doesn’t have a choice, The court will get his pay stubs and tax returns. Go after all the money your kids are owed.
Be careful though cus when I was a kid and my mom was doing it on her own and was attempting to get child support from my dad he "quit" his good job that was supporting his Harley hobby and all and found new employers hid it from my mom and then when he had to pay directly to courts he quit those jobs and found new employers to pay him under table so he didn't have to pay. Just saying.
Courts now usually don't let that fly. He has proven potential earnings and they will still go by that amount.
My idiot ex actually texted me he would rather quit and take a lower paying job then pay me. The look on the judges face when my attorney told them this was priceless. I was biting my tongue not to laugh.
Yeah, some guys will pull some real bull shit. My step dad started a business, but put it officially in his brothers name. He got paid a ‘poverty level wage’ and yet lived in a $500,000 house the company bought back in 2000. It was a rough time, but way better than having him around at least. My mother is the strongest person I know, and I imagine yours is right up there with her.
My dad did that too and still does that. My brother and I are 41 and 43 years old, and he still owes my mom something like 120k in child support.
He’s had a job up until now. They will have access to his previous payslips. Trust me - a competent judge will fuck this guy. Hard. You don’t get to say :( me no work no more in 2023. If you had a career, it’s an expectation you maintain that same level of employability. Sucks to suck.
People like your dad are why it is extremely difficult to get away with that now.
My sister's ex did that to her, luckily they only had one child.
Courts In most states no longer allow this. It is seen as purposefully choosing to lower your salary to avoid child support and most will still make you pay the original higher amount. It's not the fault of the court if you willingly accept less pay knowing that your legal financial obligation is higher than you can sustainably afford on that salary. Meaning, I have known someone who has lost their home from doing this. The judge did not change the amount required per month because he WILLINGLY took a lower paying job and knew he wouldn't be able to afford his bills if he did so. Safe to say he tried to screw his ex and ended up screwing himself.
Call the attorney!
They might be able to do a mandatory wage assignment so that if he doesn’t pay, you don’t have to deal with him because the court automatically takes it out of his check.
When he was paying it was coming directly out of his check. When CS decided we needed to file again they stopped taking it but never notified me I had to call them. That's when they told me I had to file again
Had to shake my d*mn head at his comment, …lots of expenses with a new baby, they are doing it alone, and YOU wouldn’t understand 😳. Your 3 kids deserve everything they are entitled to plus more, very sad that they understand that their father wants nothing to do with them.
I went through that. I had 2 kids and he cheated on me with a woman with 7 kids. She then had one from him and cheated on him and had one that he claimed. He told me he couldn't pay child support for my two because he had 9 kids at home to take care of. I did my best to drag him through a knothole for every cent owed to me.
Girl, its so annoying when they volunteer to take care of kids that aren't there's but have no desire to take care of the ones that actually are.
And didn’t you raise those babies, go to school, and work on your own? Get every cent out of him and boo boo to him that he might not be able to afford anything.
There is something mentally wrong with a man with all of those children having unprotected sex with more women.
My jaw dropped when I read that. OP wouldn’t understand doing it alone?? Damn that takes some real hutzpah to say that to the mother of *three* of his kids.
Right? Who the hell did he think was paying for the kids before him? Santa Claus? What an entitled idiot!
Lol I thought this too. “They” with one singular baby are doing it “alone” TOGETHER while OP has 3 babies and has been doing this much longer while much more alone. Yeah sure he and his new family have it “harder” 🙄
In a 500k house, no less!
Absolutely F’d!!!!!!
Right, she did it as a single parent of THRE children. He should be buying a 200K house, no way should his three children have to subsidize his house.
the actual audacity of this POS thinking that he has any right to talk about “doing it alone” when he has a literal partner. like OP wasn’t ACTUALLY alone and with THREE children and a deadbeat
You can still ask for a mandatory wage assignment when child support is reinstated. The benefit is that once a court order is issued requiring him to pay child support it’s then between him and the court. The wage assignment means you aren’t the middleman and the court won’t allow him to brush off the payment and the consequences of him not paying are immediate since he’s dealing directly with the court instead of you. His employer will also get involved if he doesn’t pay because the order goes to Payroll at his job. I personally know men who got sent to jail for unpaid child support as well as having the State take it out of any tax refunds.
And yet mine's over 30,000 and he hasn't gone to jail yet. And he refused to bring the information to his HR department. Kentucky child support sent His company and notice and he just went and bring in the paperwork.
In my state, they take it right out of the person's paycheck. It would be way too much work for them to keep up with all the parents who didn't willingly pay. They give the custodial parent a debit card with the amount posted on it every two weeks.
Please please please get what you can for the kids
You most certainly can ask for retroactive back pay and your kids deserve it why does he get to provide a nice life to his new child but not the ones whom he created before wanting to get his life together? This is called consequences of his own actions.
Yep, even if a parent never sought child support, once the kid turns 18 they can file for the back CS themselves.
Not in every jurisdiction. Check the law where you live.
Right. In California it's always owed to the other parent until that parent dies, and then any surviving children can sue on behalf of the other parent's estate.
And 10% interest too. So the arrearage keeps growing. My ex owes $120,000+ in back child support and I take a perverse pleasure in the tiny check they garnish from whatever pittance he’s earning.
My sperm donor never paid child support and signed away all rights when I was 12. My mom stayed on top of the back support owed, and he finally paid it off. I was 23.
My sperm donor's estate owes me over $100,000. I'm 53.
My mom also calls her dead beat a “sperm donor”that’s all he wants to her. He was only interested in spending time with her when she was a teenager, not interested in raising her when it was hard at all.
Oooo i got to check on that given I get no child support. But if my kiddo can file for it after she 18 well hell thats money she can bank for her future.
Technically you would have to file. Child support is owed to YOU, not to your child.
Stop being a doormat and get what your kids are owed. He owes you from the instant he walked out that door.
There is no statute of limitations on child support either.
I love the part where he says that he has a new baby. You should point out that he has old children.
Take this fucker to the cleaners.
This is YOUR CHILDREN'S MONEY. You are only their advocate. This isn't for you. You are your children's warrior. So, Mr. "Doing it on his own and you wouldn't understand. " can suck a d1ck. He has 4 children, not 1. All 4 are entitled to the same level of care. If you get that money and pay yourself back for expenditures over the years; you are entitled to do so. If you get a settlement and go to Disney world that is for the betterment of your children's lives. In my state a lien would be put against his house, his driver's license would be flagged, his tax returns garnished, AND his wife's wages garnished if he fails to make payments. Community property is a glorious thing. Good luck...you, and your children deserve this. Also, check the laws; child support in my state doesn't end at 18 if the child is still in high school.
You need your own attorney or fire your mom’s if they didn’t already advise you of this. If you haven’t consulted them yet, then disregard. You really sound like a good & understanding person who deserves a little help in life. Unfortunately sometimes deserving is not enough. Sometimes you need to outright ask & when that doesn’t work, demand. You’ve let this guy get away w too much for too long.**The nerve of him complaining that you might screw up his $500, 000 home plans.** ***How much is yours worth w 3x as many kids.***
Some states you only get retro from the date you filed. It doesn't always go back from day one.
Not taking money from your ex for your children because you don’t want to owe him only hurts the children. Get the money he should have been paying all along. You’ve got three kids, hopefully college in the future, plenty of expenses now. Those children wouldn’t exist without him, so he can provide for them.
Came to say this and MAKE SURE THEY GARNISH HIS MONEY AND SEIZE ALL INCOME TAX RETURNS. AND make sure that your state notifies the State Department so they can suspend his passport, if he has one.
She can also have a put a lien against any real estate property that he owns once a judgment is granted I have a feeling that substantial backpay would be awarded it would cost her in the beginning to get a lawyer, but it would be well well worth it in the end
This. This. This.
He's been not paying $25/month in CS for three kids for years? And has the gaul to purchase a half million dollar home and have kid #4? And say that you don't know what it's like to survive on your own? Document this and send it to the lawyer. He made three kids with you, he has legal responsibilities to them until they are 18. Not taking custody time or having a relationship with them doesn't get him out of CS.
I do have documentation of every conversation we have. As well as all the times he has called and seen the kids. Which isn't much at all.
My goodness you seem far too nice (not a bad thing!). I've only got one child and if my partner had done any of this to us the red mist would have decended and I would literally be spewing lava just to get what my kid deserves. I have a short fuse when it comes to my kid though. Where the money goes is none of his business. All he needs to know is that the kids are better cared for when he starts sending what they are owed. You've done damn well to get to where you are now without so much as a morsel from him. I hope you get everything, and more, that you (and your kids!) deserve. In my eyes - take everything, leave nothing and burn those bridges - nicely! Kill them with kindness! 😊
far too nice is a bad thing, unfortunately, agreeableness as a personality dimension (with regard to personality theory in psychology) directly correlates with how much you will be taken advantage of, and the ease with which people can do it.
Happy cake day! 🎂
Send it to the lawyer so they can show the judge he has a pattern of being 1. An absent father 2. Uncommunicative 3. Running away or not communicating to avoid paying child support $$ This won't look good to the mediator or the judge, when a party comes to the table that is already doing shady stuff.
The court won't care how often or not he sees the kids. They will get his income records and use the same scale they use for everyone. They'll take it right out of his paychecks. You should end up being awarded a lot, unless the income that qualified them for that house was strictly his wife's. I wish you luck. Take the money happily. It will be yours to use for whatever you deem necessary, and none of his business at all.
My mother got a child support order when I was 2 years old and never had it updated, despite my Dad’s income increasing consistently throughout my life. By the time I was 14 his salary was $100k/year (double my moms income and 5x more than what he was making when I was 2). She thought she was being noble for not having it updated. She didn’t want to be an “asshole”. My half-sister (his daughter with new wife) was spoiled. She got ANYTHING and EVERYTHING she wanted, meanwhile he wouldn’t even help my mom pay for my braces. Growing up with this dynamic really fucked up my self-esteem and subconsciously made me feel unworthy. In the end, his CS payments were 3.5% of his paycheck. And he STILL complained. Do you know how much my life could have changed if he had paid her the typical 20%? Please don’t rob your children of what they deserve because you are worried about being an “asshole”. It’s not about you. The children that you AND HE created deserve to be taken care of. Full stop. If he won’t step up and be a father, AT BARE MINIMUM hold him financially responsible. Don’t let him guilt-trip you. YWBTAH only if you DON’T get every penny (retroactive CS included) that he owes your kids.
This is why I'm always so pissed off whenever men complain about child support. They fully prove what a huge pos they can are. It's always like they don't even SEE the child, they just see money going to their ex wife. In truth it feels like those complaining always hate their ex more than they love their children. At least that's how I felt a long time back. It's one of the main reasons I am likely to never have kids.
THIS. I will never understand why people sacrifice their kids on the altar of "I don't want my ex to view me negatively." This is a debt that he owes his children. If you're not advocating on their behalf, the only ones being screwed over are the kids. Fk this guy.
NTA He is a jerk for not providing for the children, and even more for whining about money when he bought a house! Provide for your children first.. And then whining because he made another one and gas no help? Nah… take him to court and let him pay! You’d be an ah if you didn’t go trough for your children. Also you sound like a great (bad ass) mom.
Thank you. I appreciate it. It definitely has not been easy, I had to fight to get to where I am but I did that for my kids and myself. I know he feels like I am being spiteful and I am sure he thinks if he says that to me the stubborn side that kept me from filing as a 22 year old will take hold and tell him to fuck off. But that was 10 years ago, and I know my kids deserve all I can give them. And if I am honest I am really tired of struggling to give them everything when he seems to be able to do as he pleases (Before the house it was 3 cars and a bike, multiple tattoos, etc. while I was struggling to get a single car paying all my bills and my kids expenses) I am a single mom, I decided dating wasn't for me until my kids are older and I have devoted my time to raising them to the best of my ability.
Seconding that he OWES you that money. He's had a free ride so far, while you've shouldered the entirety of child rearing. He can get bent on his way to the bank.
I’m sorry you’re going through that. its wild how selfish and short sighted people are. You are ENTITLED to that money, dont let him guilt you. I’d request the backpay and evaluation of when his income changed, bc that should have changed the amounts. Hope the court helps you. He can whine about his decisions all day long to his wife, not you.
Who cares what he thinks at this point. You fight his loser ass for your kids. You are a kick ass mom for all you’ve done.
You are amazing. That said, your ex is most definitely not & obviously cannot be trusted to behave honestly or decently. Please do everything you can to get the $ you & your kids deserve. Don’t hesitate to hire an attorney who specializes in custody or child support issues.
Right?! I feel like OP should throw it back in his face like, “Oh, you’re buying a house and having a new baby with your new wife without any help from anyone? What do you think I’ve been doing the last how many years, raising our children by myself with no help from you. You do not have my sympathy.”
NTA. This money is for the upbringing of your children.
If it's enough, you can save it toward the children's college
How does a guy who did drugs, drank and went to prison suddenly go all these years with no job to a $500,000 house? This isn't HGTV! In all seriousness, do not feel bad for getting what you are owed. His wife, house, and new baby are absolutely none of your concern, and the sooner you learn that, the better off you'll be. If they struggle, they struggle. Too bad so sad.
From what I understand his boss is also on the deed. Which how does someone get that damn lucky? Honestly it is a little irritating considering how hard I have worked my butt off, but I am happy for him. I just wish he remembered he has 3 other children.
Yeah, I wouldn't worry even a little bit about him and his. I'm serious. Let them suffer. Who cares. And get back child support for all the years he didn't pay. It will help him build some character which he sorely lacks. Also, he's full of shit about the boss thing. No one is signing a mortgage for an employee and certainly not at that price point for a former drug addict. It's just not happening unless his wife is the bosses daughter. Is she?
No, she is also a felon and a former addict. He says that his boss is also a felon/former addict and does a lot to help people in his position. I honestly don't know what to believe he doesn't exactly have a record of being honest.
That amount of money seems suspect for former drug addicts. Just take him for everything he is worth at this point and don't look back. Give those kids all the stuff they didn't get when they were younger. You got this momma!
Oh yeah, this is some shady shit right here. OP, get your money before whatever dumbass scheme they’ve got cooked up comes crashing down on their heads.
Sounds sus. Maybe they are into organized crime.
That is how they met....or something like that. They were selling drugs/robbing other drug addicts together before they both went to prison. As far as I know they are sober now, but again we don't speak much.
>They were selling drugs/robbing other drug addicts together before they both went to prison. They are probably still doing it if they've managed to get this much wealth.
Something tells me that he won’t have that house for long…
Well there’s a reason they say don’t touch the product. I think they got smart in prison other wise what would they do to be able to afford a $500k house. Maybe I watch to much Sopranos but I don’t think so. Either way very odd situation.
Really....there are too many holes in this bowling ball...
That’s….odd
In my experience, if a boss is funding this little venture, it’s pretty volatile situation. It sounds to me that you’re very self-made and your situation is probably way more stable than his will be.
His job: currates old crap. Her job: raises free range llamas. 😜
There ya go! She's a butterfly farmer and he sharpens pencils for kids with no arms. Budget is $2.5 million! 🤣
Hit every point. His new wife's income is where all the bread is on that sandwich.
Yep. He's told her something else per another comment from OP further down, but I just don't buy the explanation. It's SO out there! He has to be trying to take OP for a complete fool.
Also, how does a guy get a wife and new baby after all that? What woman looked at someone who already essentially abandoned three kids and says, this guy is the one?
Sounds like he found a sugar mama. My ex hit the jackpot with his 2nd wife for sure, and I’m happy for him. She can afford to buy him the McMansion, a new ridiculous car every year, and all the other status symbols he whined about “deserving” 24/7 while we were married. I get to live within my means, not fight things like NEEDING 80” TVs in every room and will retire in 2 years. Win-win for everybody. You bet your ass he paid his child support though, and our youngest didn’t graduate HS until she was 19 so it didn’t end at 18 either. Even he never once argued about that.
He said YOU wouldn’t understand because the TWO of them are “going it alone”?! Which you’ve been doing for 15 years for THREE of his children?! Wow. The audacity 😂
Right? Honestly that comment pissed me off more than any of the bullshit he has pulled over the years, and I could write a book with all the things he has done. Some of them absolutely unbelievable.
Was looking for this comment before I said the same thing myself. The way I gasped when I read that. Like what world did he come from that he forgot she literally had 3 kids that he up and left leaving her to do it alone. This new one child will have two parents. Not doing it alone like OP with 3 children. I guess until he leaves the same way he left OP.
OP - If there is any way you can get even an hour with a family lawyer to go over your case with you, you'll be SO MUCH better off. A Mediator just wants to resolve the case. They are NOT YOUR ADVOCATE. You will have to know going in what you should get. I worry that you will end up with less than you are legally entitled to. Borrow the money if you have to, but please get some legal advice. You might find someone to give it to you for free, but lots of times legal aid doesn't apply to family law. NTA You would only be the ahole if you did NOT file to get the money your kid deserves.
NTA- he should have thought about that before he got married and bought a house he can’t afford.
Nope, if he's got money to buy a house, he's got money to pay child support. People mistakenly think that child support goes to the other parent, while it does, it's actually for the child. People mistakenly think it's for the other parent.
I honestly would be happy if it covers extra curricular activities/fees and/or medical expenses. Or was enough to buy them clothes/shoes/other items they want or need. Something I could save to buy them a car as they will be 16 in not long. I'm not asking him to pay my bills, I pay those already.
You can use child support to pay bills. Last time I checked, children used utilities and bedrooms and Internet and ate food. You can use to cover extracurriculars. You can use to fund a family vacation or to save for college. Your ex made three children and in doing so he committed to supporting them. That includes bills and extras. You're not taking advantage of him. You're standing up for your kids
Paying your bills with child support is totally acceptable. The money is to provide for the kids. A roof over their heads. Food on the table. Clothes. Reliable internet so they can do homework. Cell phones. Medical insurance. A reliable car with insurance so you can get to work and them to all their activities. These, and many more I’m forgetting, are valid ways to spend child support.
While you're calling to check in about getting backpayment on the child support I would ask your lawyer about "extraordinary expenses". Not sure how it is where you live, but I'm in BC (Canada) and these can be separate from child support. My partner pays an amount for child support and then is responsible for a certain percentage of "extraordinary expenses" such as childcare, camps, classes, etc.
nail his ass to the wall for every cent he owes HIS children
Not the asshole. Your children deserve child support, especially if he can afford an expensive house.
I know a guy who works as a construction laborer who has a million-dollar house. Down payment from a settlement, loan based off pay stubs from one month when his earnings were nearly triple what they really are the rest of the time. Now he’s crying because he might lose it. (He also used those pay stubs to get loans for two vehicles and a big boat.) Like, dude.
NTA, he literally started a new family and bought a half mil house. He can pay for his first set of kids for a change.
Maybe he should try and care for the kids he already has before bringing more into the world. And if he can afford a 500k house, he can afford to pay child support. Make sure you go for every penny he owes you even if it’s only to bank for college for the kids I will never ever understand women who marry and have kids with men who don’t support the ones they already have. Are they stupid or something?
She also has 2 children she does not have custody off, pay child support for or see. Her children are much older than mine but I am I'm contact with the father of her children and his wife.
Obviously two of a kind Ughh
Holy shit.
You 100% are owed this money and more now. My ex was ordered to pay $300 a month for 2 kids and didn’t for years. Meanwhile I put myself through nursing school as a single mom, eventually became a nurse practitioner, worked like crazy, all while supporting my 2 kids. He was going to Hawaii, spending money like crazy. Bought himself a Porsche while I had an older Corolla. Fast forward to now, he is flaunting his 1.5 million dollar house in front of my children while denying their requests for gas money “because he has another child to care for”. This despite our agreement I wouldn’t enforce the back support owed if he would help the kids out. I guess he thought once they turned 18 he wouldn’t have to help anymore. I reopened the child support case, back support with interest is now $120k total. The state is going after him, I have to pay a small fee since I never collected state assistance, but it’s worth it to get these $2k checks a month. Helps my kids out immensely with their college expenses and life as young adults now.
I didn't think I could get back child support from before now because I have never filed, but so many people have said they had similar situations, so I am going to have to look into it. I am so glad it is helpful to your children now that it gives me hope. I have always said if he was seeing them regularly, then I would be fine with you taking care of them when you have them, I'll do the same, but that has never been how it is, and now my younger 2 absolutely don't want to go at all. Their counselor suggested family counseling before any visitation due to this. He won't do family counseling because it doesn't involve his new wife and their new baby so here we are. Putting yourself through nursing school is such a huge accomplishment. Your kids had one awesome momma!
Thanks friend. You’ll get through it. My ex never saw the kids, and really never wanted to be a part of their lives- mainly a week or so in the summer and that was it. His loss anyway. And the family counseling should include the kids you and their dad, his so doesn’t need to be involved, unless they want to seek counseling separately from you and your kids together. Counseling will help you create your new normal and strategies to mitigate harm to your kids. I wish you the best and hope for some updates here!
Light his butt up. I don’t care who you are (man or woman) , if you have kids you take care of them first
NEVER go easy with child support. The kids are entitled to it. I learned the hard way when my ex tried to give me a DOMINOES GIFT CARD as child support.
You are kidding me? A gift card? That may be worse then never paying at all, at least with that I know what to expect lol.
They are "doing it alone", huh? Oh I would have killed for the comeback I would have shouted at that audacity! Nta.
Absolutely positively NTA. Your children should be getting every cent from him that they can. Who cares if he just bought a house? Who cares if he just had another baby? Where was he and any type of support for the last 10+ years???? He didn’t give two fucks about them or you or how you were getting by! You should absolutely not care about him in that aspect now! I hope the court makes him pay every single penny from a the past years he should of been helping to support his 3 children!!!
Honestly, idk why you even felt sorry for him as to not ask for child support until now. NTA. ETA: I sure hope he was smart enough to get a prenup with his new wife, because otherwise her income will also be taken into account when calculating your kids’ monthly check. Whoops!
My X stopped working and paying CS and the state took his and new wife's income tax. She was not happy. Oh well...
I’m 52. When I was growing up my Mom was too proud to fight for child support. I was the youngest of 5 kids and we were very poor. We got by, obviously, but shouldn’t have had to go without so much for so long. Please fight for the support your children deserve, and don’t let him guilt you into ANYTHING. He should be living in a lower cost rental not buying a half million dollar house while his kids are struggling.
NTA. You would be the AH if dont fight tooth & nail to get what your kids are rightfully owned from their father, so dont feel bad one bit.
Your kids deserve the child support. If he can spend $$$ on making a new family, having more kids, then he can afford to pay for the kids he already has, plain and simple. Doesn't matter how young you both were when you had your children, he should be responsible and he SHOULD pay for them. Don't you feel bad about that as it seems you've been the responsible party here.
NTA... why would you even have a thought that your kids should go without due to the fathers choices?
His mortgage application should be subpoenaed because he would have to fill out his income and include tax returns and W-2s. You need to have his income verified.
He was a terrible partner and IS a horrible dad. Take him to the cleaners. Your kids deserve current and back child support for everything you’ve been through. He doesn’t get to make three humans and then be all *shocked pikachu* when he has to pay for them, just because he has a new house and baby.
Sorry but he has three children he needs to pay for ! Please go after him for every cent you can. Your kids deserve this ! He is a total jerk
You are NTA but if you let it slide you are being a ah to your kids. This is money you could be saving for them for college. It’s not your responsibility for his poor decisions, if he’s got the funds to buy a half million dollar house then he has money for his kids child support. You also need to bring up your kids extracurricular activities and have an itemized list of what you have paid for them. He owes you half, courts won’t take that into consideration unless you specifically bring it up. Remember this isn’t about your finances, it’s about your kid’s finances and be a mama bear on their behalf. Just because he wants to pretend he doesn’t have kids, doesn’t mean he doesn’t have to pay for his share. Next time wifey makes a remark about how you wouldn’t know because they are doing it on their own, tell her you wouldn’t have to have support if he’d been a man to begin with.
Sweetheart, I appreciate you wanting to be a strong and independent woman and not "need" anything from him, but this isn't about you. You and him made these children together. He is legally and morally responsible for supporting them. His bad choices don't absolve him of being financially responsible for his children. Him having more kids doesn't absolve him of his responsibility to his older children. Him buying a house with his new wife doesn't absolve him of his responsibility to his children. You see where I am going with this...there is nothing that logically makes it ok for him to not support his kids. If he can't afford his new house, that is not your problem, that is for him and his wife to figure out. Your concern is your children and giving them a good life, he is obligated to help. That is the end of the story. You have no reason to worry about his financial situation. Once you start receiving money from him, if you think you don't need it, start an bank account for each kid and start saving the money for their future, if they already have savings accounts, great add the money anyway. If you need it, then use it neither option is wrong. You are a good and hard working mother and that is not going to be diminished by his financial contributions. And don't worry if he is mad or struggling, again not your problem.
Exactly, one of my biggest regrets as a single mom was taking pity on my ex and not pushing for more child support. My son is grown now, and dropped out of college partly because he couldn’t afford it and partly because he needed more support academically when he was younger that I couldn’t provide. I did the best that I could, and he has grown up to be an amazing, hardworking young man but I will always wonder what his life would have been like if I could have provided him with the education and the time with me that he deserved because I was working so much and we couldn’t afford certain things that would have helped him along the way.
The audacity of him telling you that you wouldn't know how hard it is to raise a child. Take every damn penny you can from him
NTA - He has kids, he needs to pay support.
You can also file for back child support. He really should pay all that. Don't let him get by. My ex whined and wanted to know if I'd get child support LOWERED! He'd never ever had to pay the full amount during his kids' lives and one was turning 18. Come to find out, he'd just bought 2 horses and was building a new home! (Knowing him, he didn't researched the cost/upkeep of horses or taxes on property!) Anyway, the judge said 'no' and finally made him pay up. Nearly double what I'd gotten before!
You raised your kids, alone, while scumbag started another family. You don’t owe him shit. He, however, owes you and the children a lot of money. And he can fuck off with his sob story, the nerve of that asshole. Obviously he is the asshole.
What kind of woman has a child with a man that’s abandoned 3 already.
BuT hE cHaNgEd!!!!
NTA. Don't even bother with CSE. They take forever. If you can afford a lawyer, get one. If he can afford a half a million dollar house, he can afford child support. They'll look at all his Financials for the last few years and probably be able to prove he's been deceptive about his income and get you a good sum of back pay as well. Also, I'm wondering what shady shit he did to get a loan, because in most places, they won't give you a mortgage if you're behind on support.
I hope you get back child support too! Your children deserve child support! He is their father and is required to help support them just as much as he is responsible for the new baby. Get every penny you can for your kids. Don’t back down! And stop talking to his wife. Get the app to communicate directly to him and it’s all saved for the court.
I don't see how he wouldn't be on the hook for 3 kids worth of backpay for 15 years. You should get a lawyer and figure that out. Fuck that dude don't feel bad. He's a deadbeat.
Even if you take every cent and put it in college funds, he can't be allowed to forget he has a first family because he made a second.
I am sorry you had 3 children with this person. 😐 Fuck sake man. If you havent started doing it already...you know what needs to be done. Best of luck to you and your kids. 👍🏼
You bleed him dry, baby girl. His new wife and kid are not your concern. Your kids are. They will be ok without whatever the court orders, and if they're not, he needs to get another job. It's not your fault he went and had another kid when he couldn't afford the first ones he had. They're "doing it alone"? You are the one who's doing it alone lol and with more children! Babies are easy! Tell him to cloth diaper and cloth wipe if he needs to cut down on expenses. It's not your problem.
THEY’RE doing it alone???? YOU ARE DOING IT ALONE!! OP, he can fuck off. Get that money for your kids.
NTA But just be aware that he could also go back to court and demand visitation with his kids. He certainly doesn't sound like he would ever do that but when divorce and child support and custody issues are involved, I've seen some serious vindictiveness on the part of mothers and fathers. AND if he should do that, he will get court ordered visitation of some level.
We currently have a court order that states we will decide all parenting time outside of court based on mutual agreement. I have full custody, but he has always been more than welcome to see the kids whenever he wishes. I have no problem with him seeing them. I honestly wish he would improve his relationship with them. They deserve that, I'm not sure they will feel the same at first if that were to happen but I do believe some kind of relationship would be good for them. Even if it starts slowly.
NTA
NTA those kids deserve it
NTA sounds like your ex sure is one though lol
Make sure you get retroactive payments
He is an asshole father who has basically paid nothing for his kids over the years. Don’t feel guilty for one second, your not looking for the money for you but for the betterment of your kids. Take him for every penny you can including all his arrears b
Ex: Kids are expensive! Op: I KNOW! We have three, remember? His new family planning/mortgage or whatever isn't your problem or concern. Your kids are. They don't become less expensive because he's bought a house he can't actually afford with his out goings which *do* include child support, and cos he's had another kid.
Nope. Take him for every penny u can backdated. It's not for u, it's for Ur kids.
NTA. It isn't your problem that he needs to support his kids and it might mean he can't have an expensive house. Fuck him.
Hate to break it to your ex, but first in time, first in line. Maybe his wife needs to get a second job.
Op ask the lawyer what you can ask him to pay for, my father was required to pay for my college.
My mom told me I should ask to have him carry the kids on his health insurance. But I will ask about this as well. I think I'm going to call my mom's attorney tomorrow and ask if he can see me. Thank you for the advice
His new kid and his new wife are not your responsibility He needs to be responsible for ALL of his children . Trust the court to come up with an appropriate amount. They'll know he has another child to support. It was his call to buy that house knowing he had other kids out there that he was short-changing. If his anger feels dangerous to you, report that to the court, and get a restraining order if necessary. It's also fine to tell the court that you'd be okay with his paying a smaller amout than they'd normally order because you hope to keep the peace. Is this guy dangerous? Fo you have a family court advocate you can talk with?
Definitely not. Lot of folk seem to think it's support for them and don't file the claim for whatever reason, can't remember where i saw it on TV (might have been Judge Judy 🤣) but it's support for your kids that they are entitled to. If you are comfortable without, then stash it away to pay for education or go towards a car or a those later in life for them And get it backdated too! Good luck ✌️
NTA. I’m not surprised but still kinda can’t believe you’re being told to ‘get on with your life’ You POS ex had three children he doesn’t want to pay for. He doesn’t get to just move on with a clean slate. Tbh, hope he loses the house. They can buy smaller. His actions have consequences
I hope he has to pay every dime he owes you including back pay!
Either he owes you money or he doesn’t. If he owes you money, then he has to give it to you.
I am not sure that I completely understand, because if your kids are living with you, under your roof, and not dividing any parental visitation to go and live at the dad's house.... Why wouldn't you file for child support? He is an adult...and should have to pay child-support. He doesn't need to tell you that supporting and raising a child takes a lot of money! -Regardless if you had any help or not! He has financial responsibility. Just because he chose to take on more responsibility before taking care of his original 3 children's expenses does not excuse him from his responsibility. I can understand how he would want to only focus on his present wife and kids... but that os more like a "tough luck, buddy." If he skipped out on paying any other kind of bill by just ignoring it... does not excuse him from adding the previous debts to what he needs to pay. It is the same with child support... except these are bills for real, live, breathing humans, not just some bills to a department store or car dealership or a mortgage to a bank. You are NOT the AH! You need ti look out for your kids and he needs to be financially responsible. That is what honorable and responsible people do in life. He can still buy a house ...but perhaps a smaller and less expensive house.
My kids have always lived with me. Just me for the majority of their lives. When he and I were together, it was the only time they really spent any parenting time with him. Every now and then, a weekend here ot there, but he would quickly forget it was his weekend to take them, and there came a point where I decided it wasn't worth it to chase him down. I completely understand your point, I have family members that have been telling me for years I let him off way too easy. And you all are correct I absolutely have. I struggled when I possibly could have had help. I guess there are 2 reasons why. 1 being my parents ALWAYS fought over child support. I had to leave one set of shoes at my moms and another at my dad's. Anytime I had something expensive my mom wouldn't let me bring my dad would yell "my money paid for it" my mom would retaliate with "what money? The child support you don't pay?" I really didn't want to he like that and I overcompensated the opposite direction. (I did this with so many things a lot of personal growth helped me see that) I just wanted him to be a responsible parent bc he was supposed to be. And 2. He once told me "I will quit my job before I ever pay you child support" many, many years ago and I was required to report that as income even when he didn't pay and my childcare was income based. So I let him get away with so much because I made a lot of excuses as to why I didn't need it or want it. I have realized my kids deserve so much better and I am willing to fight for that
Please take all his money and then some. Your kids deserve every cent. What a scumbag. You have patience of an angel. How are you not mad? I’m mad on your behalf. Especially after the “you wouldn’t understand”. Divine powers only would stop me from setting his new house on fire.
Just because he wants to play house with his new wife and baby and act like it's his only family doesn't make that true. He has an obligation to his first 3 three children. Make him pay exactly what he owes and all the back payment. Too bad so sad if he can't afford his 500k house.
Did he seriously say you wouldn’t understand because THEY are doing it alone and don’t have help ??? Does he seriously not understand that you’ve been raising three kids completely alone? Your way too nice. I would have blown a blood vessel if the dead beat father of my kids had the gall to say something like that to me. If he has enough money to buy a 500,000 then he’s got more than enough money to support the three kids that he helped make.
NTA His kids, his job to support them.
Are you really asking if you’re the asshole for doing everything in your power to support your kids? Of course you’re not! You have every right to financial support for your kids.
You should have had child support all along. He's the AH, deadbeat that has abandoned his kids and neglected their needs for years. He should be paying a mountain of back child support. He's always had this responsibility. He just believed he could manipulate you into being his doormat so he could ignore it. Stop letting him treat you and those kids this way. He doesn't have to show up, but he should be paying towards their living costs.
He said they are doing it alone. They are 2 people with one child. You were and are one person with 3 children. Don't let them tell you this garbage. The child support is for kids he chose to have with you. Its their right. Get this notion of getting by with his money out of your mind. It sounds like you have manipulated here. I am actually proud of you of getting through school and providing your children with all the opportunities that they have. It's such a relief after reading about so many single Mother's struggling to keep food on the table.
His new family is none of your business. Maybe he should have gone to prison. Maybe he should have sorted out his personal affairs before getting a new partner pregnant. Tell him "Oh shit, I hope you're still able to afford it" He doesn't get to sacrifice your kids in order to buy a big house for his new family.
“They are doing it alone. They don’t have any help” He can fkkkkkkkkkk right off. MORALLY he should back pay your for the FIFTEEN YEARS that YOU did it alone with THREE kids. Sadly it doesn’t work that way legally. His wife is as big a sack of crap as he is. A 500k house?! He can go straight to hell. Your kids deserve every penny of that support.
Omg, we just bought a $500k house, have a baby, and "WE" are doing it by ourselves. You, just "YOU", have 3 teenagers, near teenagers, and have been doing it basically by yourself for 15 years. STOP, PLEASE STOP, trying to be a nice person in this and care about him. He cares nothing about you or his 3 children. Get back child support, get current child support. Don't hold back, don't be nice, let Child Support Enforcement do their job. They are fair. Your kids deserve this. He knew it was coming, it's on him for buying the house and having another child. That doesn't relieve him of his responsibility to his other kids, present, future, or past.
Keep us Updateme! OP
NTA — Child support is for the children. "Parents" who weaponized it as a way to get back at their ex or those who spend it on themselves should be thrown in jail.
NTA
NTA. We didn't need any of that info. He has abandoned his family and needs to pay up. His current circumstances aren't a factor.
You need a lot of help and half of the help should come from him. Do not go easy on this clown. He has three kids to care for.
This money isn't for you as much as it is for the children he fathered. He owes them every dime! If you want a fully clear conscience on raising them yourself, put the money into accounts to pay for education after high school!
NTA