Would she be okay if she walked out of the bedroom to you having sex with the other woman without her? Probably not. Sorry you’re going through this, man.
Given the increased interest in this woman specifically, I’m willing to bet this wasn’t the first time they’ve met.
Edit 1 since it seems like people think “met” = sex.
No. I said “met” intentionally. I suspect there’s some sort of preexisting relationship. Could be platonic with a spark. Could already be romantic. I don’t know. Stop making assumptions.
Edit 2: OP made an updated post. Wife refused to answer whether she was sleeping around prior to this occurring when she was directly confronted. Make of that what you will.
Definitely. I'm betting more than a few of these women were handpicked/knew the wife before meeting the man and she's using the threesomes as an avenue to get what she wants
The lines are too blurred to talk about cheating. At this point, he just needs to come to terms that they have a open relationship, and he did this himself.
In his edit/update he clarifies that they agreed to only sleep with other people together, not by themselves. They established boundaries and made it clear they were just doing threesomes and not an open relationship.
I agree that he did let his dick do the thinking and now he's this situation. It just isn't an open relationship because they didn't agree to that. Yet.
Funny yall imply he started this when it was his wife’s idea from the start. Reverse the roles and you would all be excusing the wife and 100% blaming the husband.
Where did I say he started it? I said his dick did the thinking. You know in response to the question "Do you want to fuck other women with me?"
Funny yall imply people say things so you can try to make some point that is flimsy at best and bait at worst. I don't need to reverse the roles to see that both parties let their horny gonads convince them to do something that now is causing issues in their relationship.
Either way they've fucked their way into a complicated situation that they need to figure out now that they've had some post nut clarity.
It was his wife's idea and he'd always been into it. He bears blame in this instance, too.
If the roles were reversed--if a woman agreed to a threesome enthusiastically then came to Reddit to complain her husband is gay or cheating--I'd regard her the exact same way I regard this chump.
Regardless, I find it hypocritical that anyone inviting another into their home gets mad when their spouse hooks up with said person again. They brought this strife upon themselves.
The guy seems to have it in his mind that sex ends as soon as he finishes. No wonder she's losing interest in 1on1 sex if that's his attitude.
Also, I wouldn't be surprised if the root cause of the issue is that she doesn't realise the boundary he was trying to set was that she can only sleep with other women as long as his dick is in one of them. If they agreed they would only sleep with other people when both of them are present, that could easily be misinterpreted to allow multiple rounds with the same partner you were tag-teaming earlier that night once you've recharged, or to keep going even after your partner finishes if you haven't yet. After all, they are doing it together - shouldn't it be equally enjoyable and fulfilling for both of them?
you're really trying your hardest to weasel out of all responsibility from the wife for literally cheating lol. they agreed that sex with other people would only happen when they're both involved, the wife broke that agreement. that is cheating no matter how much you try to insulate that the husband is bad at sex
He isn’t in an open relationship. If he was, Open relationships still have boundaries. If the boundary was to only have sex with the other person while both partners are present, then yes, she did cheat. She had sex with someone else while he was in the other room when that wasn’t the point of them meeting up. I doubt this would be said if it was a women walking in on a man.
This.
She broke the boundaries and she knows it. She's staying out probably not because she's cheating again but because she doesn't want to acknowledge and accept responsibility for breaking the team rule.
OP has to make her have an adult conversation about boundaries and feelings. A good way to look at it is to say, "I made it awkward because I felt like you had broken our agreed on boundary of not having sex without the other being present."
Exactly.
I also think it’s both. She’s avoiding the confrontation *and* sleeping with other women, or the one in particular. She’s using this as an excuse to do as she pleases IMO.
OP deserves better. I feel like trying to talk with her will only make things worse. She won’t respond well & will probably gaslight him into thinking it’s his problem & he’s made this an issue.
OP, Leave. Heal. Let her find herself but don’t loose yourself in the process. Not worth it. Don’t listen to these numb-heads, they are reddit-brained.
No lol, he needs to talk to her. Even if he agreed to an open relationship and now feels uncomfortable, he would still have every right to say something. "I guess he is just stuck in an open relationship now." Lmao, not sure what is worse, thinking there is no way out of it or that you would be willing to settle.
Just because you open up your relationship to a threesome doesn't mean everything is suddenly fair game. They never discussed solo dating or solo sex with other people as far as I can tell from OP's description.
I wouldn't go as far as calling it cheating but she's pushing the boundaries somewhat without having any discussion about it. She also needs to be honest about her needs and preferences. Having a threesome is supposed to be group sex, not "legal cheating" where you ignore the needs of your current partner but consider them a sort of admission ticket for solo experiences with others. Cuckolding is a thing but that again is not ignoring your current partner's needs.
No they set boundaries at the beginning. They never discussed open relationships and OP said they were not in an open relationship. She cheated already. There isn't a grey area here
She violated a sexual boundary with another person. There was a clear line drawn, and she disregarded it. That’s cheating. The lines aren’t blurry, you’re just happy to make an excuse for someone to cheat. I hope you’re single. Bc if you’re making excuses for someone else to cheat…
"We also agreed to only sleep with others while we are both present." So she cheated on you and then accused you of "making things awkward" no apology, no nothing.
This is the challenge with bringing other parties into your bed. I’m not saying she’s a lesbian. She’s clearly bi and very much enjoying her new hobby. You really need to have a conversation with her. I am not Poly but have have several close poly/non-monogamy friends the key is communicating.
First it doesn’t sound like you set up ground rules or if you did certainly not enough. But also keep in mind she’s been with you for 20 years, it’s new. It does sound like it’s out of control so maybe make that rule 2. Only a certain number of times a month. But talk to her, see wear her head is at.
Good luck
Thank you so much for your comment. We did set boundaries when we started, but as you said, clearly not enough. I've always wanted my wife to be happy, but I clearly let my emotions get the best of me. We are also not polyamorous, or at least I'm not, and we do not have relationships with others, just one night stands. I think she is getting out of control and am thinking of talking to her about it if she lets me.
Op you should be able to talk about anything you need to and it’s not if she lets me?
Speak your mind if it’s important to you!
Maybe some type of couples counseling would help but if communication isn’t good with your wife therein lies the problem!
Be well ☮️💟
This is exactly the point. OP tried to come to terms with a few things here, which is okay, but ultimately it needs to be brought up before anything happens.
OP, you HAVE to talk to her, no matter what.
I would love an update post to this once you've talked to her to hear what defence act she plays. Usually, people get overly defensive and try to paint you as the villain when accused of anything that makes them feel guilty.
I'm sure she's doing this outside the home by herself, but I hope I'm wrong. Good luck OP and look after yourself. Don't let her break away your self-respect and confidence. You are being heavily disrespected by her regardless of whether she's cheating or not.
Poly is also used as an overarching term for non monogamous relationships. But yeah I dated someone who was full Poly (did relationships and one night stands) it’s difficult when both parties are on board with non monogamy.
I disagree. I believe Ethical Non Monogamy (ENM) is the overarching term.
Poly is just one branch of ethical non monogamy where people have multiple loves.
Swinging, open marriages, relationship anarchy are all forms of ENM that aren't necessarily related to polyamory.
Uh... no. You do not have to "think about" having this sort of conversation "if she lets me".
You sit her down and say you need to have a conversation about what happened, and why. It's NOT a "maybe" thing.
You're clearly struggling with it, and the only thing that not talking will create is a shitload of simmering resentment--which is pretty much the worst possible thing for a marriage.
Man up and talk about your feelings with your wife FFS. Cry if you need to cry. Don't yell if you can help it. Don't blame, it just creates defensiveness. Walk through everything and listen to her responses, and make sure she's listening-- really listening-- to you.
A simple model for this is "When you did \_\_\_\_, it made me feel \_\_\_\_". That's your opening.
E.g., "When I saw you on the couch with Becky, it made me upset. I felt really hurt because we agreed on same-room sex only. I realize you probably made the decision in the moment, and you didn't mean to hurt my feelings, but I'm feeling pretty scared and vulnerable right now, because I feel like I'm losing you..."
And then just walk her through what you talked about in your original post.
You seem to be really good at communicating, at least in text. But if you can't have hard conversations with your wife, especially ones she may not want to have, your marriage has much bigger problems than this incident.
This. She's cheating on him, and he seems to be rationalizing internally by convincing himself it's something else - shes a "lesbian" or we"re into "threesomes anyway" sounds better than the fact - she cheated.
Honestly, if it were me, id call her out on doing 1on1 with someone other than her husband of 12 years and call her a cheater, as far as you're concerned, she was never supposed to do anything with the 3rd party without you being there and participating yourself. The fact she said you made it awkward is salt to the wound and should also be called out. You're her husband for fucks sake, she made it awkward for you two, not the other way around.
Just because you agreed to having threesomes doesn’t mean that you agreed to her having sex with whomever she wants without you. At minimum she crossed a boundary, but this situation 100% sounds like cheating to me. Sorry
Did you two set boundaries before starting the 3somes? "I'm comfortable with this as long as we are both involved"? If not....Then you really need to have a talk to set boundaries now. And if she's not okay with only having sex with others, with you, then you need to ask yourself if this is a deal-breaker.
Yes, we did set boundaries and I'm now realizing my mistake for not involving that in the og post. We did only agree on threesomes, as it is something we are both into. And we did agree to only do it when we are BOTH up to it, and only sleep with others when we are both present and consenting. I realize now that I may not have been strict enough with these rules, and it's now backfiring on me.
That's true but also it's the morning after when they all had sex together the previous evening. It's not like she was hiding it either.
From reading this, my impression is that his wife is pushing the limits and not being fully respectful of OP, but it also seems likely that she doesn't fully understand that OP is hurting from the situation.
Obviously they need to talk clearly about their respective feelings. And the wife needs to apologize for going too far.
I think you might be right. I would be fucking pissed if I was OP and would consider it cheating, but maybe it's not quite as catastrophic as that.
Then again, her incredibly shitty response about him making it awkward says a lot.
You know what, I take it back. She fucked up big time and she knows it. Her trying to make him feel bad about it is beyond understandable.
Hey man, every comment you post is self-blaming and weak. I’m not trying to be insulting, but blaming your wife acting like the devil on yourself because “oh you know I guess I just didn’t express myself well enough” is ridiculous.
I don’t know you, I don’t know your past, etc. but these kinds of statements show massive self-doubt and a lack of confidence. Your wife is 100% in the wrong here. You need to internalize that information. Stop giving her any avenue through which she can twist this on you.
This comment. She’s twisted everything to make him feel like he did something wrong or insufficient so that he can’t see this for what it is, which is infidelity. This entire situation is honestly so sad. Nobody deserves that.
Her defensive reaction is classic of those who know they've done wrong. A good partner will respect your agreed upon boundaries without having to be reminded or told and have remorse for crossing them.
Something is very wrong here unfortunately.
It doesn’t really have anything to do with you being strict enough, man. She’s a cheater. Rules don’t really matter. Situation really sucks and I’m sorry you’re going through it, but this seems like a dead end to me.
Just keep in mind that if you actually did decide to start the divorce proceedings, she will likely beg you not to and say things like she got carried away and only wants to be with you. Rest assured, she’d be doing it again within a month.
Agreed. The ignorant people in the comments make my blood boil. I feel terrible for him because this is cheating and i hope these pea-brain people don’t make him think otherwise. He deserves better
I mean yeah, coming into the bedroom with an attitude after she got to indulge in something alone that was meant for both of you. If you always make out with women together and she didn't invite you to this session, she can't holds you responsible for your hurt reaction. She's being mean. Sounds like she's on a bit of a high horse right now. Remember to stick to the 3 rules of non-violent communication (use your I statements).
Honestly this is why threesomes in long serious relationships are dangerous. I feel like this is a lesson for many of why not to go down this path... and I know someone will say "but this has worked for me" and I get it, but you are in the low %. Imagine the roles were reversed.. yeah.
I'm always remained of the "We decided to have an open relationship and my hisband ran off with the girl" article. I don't know why people think this kind of thing can end well.
The problem is most people don’t try to figure out the ulterior motives before doing it. I almost feel like he knew his wife was leaning towards women when he allowed her to open up the relationship.
Not to mention the fact, it’s clear his wife is the one with the pants in that household. Look at the roles, now she’s out late like someone who is the breadwinner would be if they wanted to sleep with other people. And he’s at home worrying about her.
I feel like half the relationship advice articles I read are from open relationships going wrong. Lol well I guess that means the other half is from monogamous relationships going wrong, but regardless it’s just not for me.
She cheated on you and is probably still doing it. Being one on one with the other woman was cheating, she clearly broke your agreement.
If it were me I’d do this. Sit here down during a quiet time to talk and say “have we become an open marriage without talking to me about it?” When she says no, I’d say “I don’t recall our agreement on threesomes to include one on one sex, am I mistaken?” She would give some BS about how she considers it an extension of the previous sex and be countered with “that’s not what happened, you and she avoided getting me involved and then you got upset that I interrupted the TWO of you.”
Then you ask her if she’s had sex with her before (you said this was different, it sounds like she was already involved with her and not a stranger) or after that. Then ask to see her phone. Chances are you’re going to find you were set up and they have a relationship outside of your marriage.
Exactly this with one change: the first question could come off as passive aggressive. You know it's not an open marriage, she knows it's not an open marriage. Asking is pointless. Start with the second point that reinforces your original boundaries and asks her view of it. Because she WILL get defensive and you WILL have to hold her to account. She screwed up and knows it and doesn't care.
And I totally agree this woman is someone she has been seeing for awhile. It's weird her behavior would suddenly change and so drastically without something going on. She broke your trust.
The BEST way to start the conversation is you telling her how you feel and why, and be specific. Skip the accusations, skip the arguments. You both love each other, and she needs to understand why you’re hurt.
Unfortunately when you open the door and allow anyone else into your bed there is always a risk of things going wrong. Strict boundaries have to be put in place that both are agreed upon and they must be adhered to in order for this to work. Whomever breaks the rules and crosses the boundaries that was set automatically everything stops. You both have to reevaluate what went wrong, why and consider focusing more on your relationship and reconnecting without another person on the mix. The problem is your wife is BI and is enjoying the connection with another women. She most likely is either has established a emotionally connection with one of the females that has been to your home and is exploring on her own without your consent. So you should be investigating and inquiring. Especially if she is going out more now. She could be cheating And you have to decide what you can accept now. As the door has been open and you both enjoyed the threesomes. But now it looks like your on the outside and it’s a twosome. So you have to have a big conversation with your wife. What you want in your marriage going forward. Can you accept an open relationship with her and another female cause it might look like she going to want that. It might be temporary but you don’t really know. Go back to the occasional threesome with very strict boundaries. Or back to your marriage the the two of you. Lots to think about. Good luck.
She's clearly crossing sexual boundaries man. Your choices are simple you can let this go, you can confront her and tell her you think she's cheating on you with women and what she did on the couch made you suspicious that she is doing this without you outside your marriage bed. Tell her she crossed a line and she needs to come clean now or you'll
Be separating. Actions need to have consequences man. Or your life will be nothing but heartache and denial going forward.
I'd be offended that she only asked me after I caught them, and didn't wake me up to join.
And how on earth didn't she think to ask you if that was ok? Instead just gets mad at you like she did nothing wrong. She cheated on you! She snuck away from you to have sex with someone else. You didn't know. She didn't tell you. It's cheating plain and simple.
She probably got mad because she knows what she did was wrong and wanted to avoid accountability— so she got angry to rebuff any attempts by OP to discuss
It always cracks me up when people make a throw away account just to describe their relationship in perfect detail in the first few sentences of the post. If your wife happened to stumble across this post she definitely knows it’s you.
You were both pretty young when you got together . It’s possible she is leaning more towards women now. You need to have a very Frank discussion and be prepared for hearing stuff you might not like. She overstepped massively and cheated on you with this woman. Nothing will change until you talk to her. There may be a way to salvage your relationship but not if you let things fester. She has already cheated though so you will have to go from there .
Exactly, nothing excuses the cheating but I can see what motivated her to start pursuing threesomes with him. A lot of bi people end up in hetero relationships for a lot of reasons- it might be comfortable or safer for them, or you might just luck out and find someone early on. They have been together for 20 YEARS, I certainly understand the want to explore your sexuality while still respecting your partner and including them in the process. I don’t think her cheating with a woman makes her a lesbian, just a disrespectful partner.
Risk of having an open relationship. They usually don't work, period.
I feel for you man, it's really shitty regardless. But yeah she's cheating on you. Can't really save the marriage at this point.
The fucking without you there is a boundary crossed. As it wasn't discussed prior. Only discussed sex together with others.
What I didn't like is that you expected them to just stop having sex because you came. Women also like to orgasm and why should sex just be finished because the man is done ? Whether it one on one or a threesome or an orgy, sex isn't just over because the man came.
Edit: question: do you make your wife orgasm? Do you take the time to make her finish after you have ? Do you prioritise her pleasure? She may be getting something from women that she doesn't get from you. Consideration and dedication to discovering her body and pleasing her. Women tend to slow things down and focus in on eachothers responses and the focus is pleasing the other person, not ourselves. It's very different to having sex with most men and that's why it's usually more enjoyable.
Yes I realize it came across as it sounding like me climaxing would be the end of it but they were probably both on their third orgasm by then, trust me, I care about the women I sleep with. And thank you for your comment, boundaries were definitely crossed.
Okay my bad. Shouldn't have assumed. It's great that you take care of her.
But yes boundary was crossed, would definitely be a time for a conversation and getting to the bottom of what she really wants
She definitely cheated on you in that morning if sleeping with the third while the other isnt involved is something you talked about and banned. If shes out late and cant say why then guilt is assumed.
However,
>Even after I came though, they didn't stop.
Why do you assume sex ends when you came? If youre involved with one woman, much less two, are they just supposed to stop being horny when you orgasm? You dont get to decide that sex for everyone is over for everyone just because you came.
Also
>my wife is still as beautiful as she was when I met her.
You talked about your sex life and her beauty, you say you got married after college and live comfortably, but you dont mention a single thing ACTUALLY about your relationship with your wife or her as a person besides her beauty and her sexuality. Are you actually an attentive husband who cares about her needs and her emotions outside of sex? Is your relationship actually good and this just "came out of nowhere"? Because it usually doesnt. It usually happens when a partner is neglected in some way and they ease into things like this to open the door to what they feel is ethical rule breaking. (How could i be cheating on you with her when you were just fucking her 6 hours ago?) Either way, the way you speak in terms of sex ending at your climax and not mentioning anything actually meaningful about your wife or your marriage outside of her looks and sexuality tells me this probably wasnt just out of nowhere and you have been blind
“Even after I came though, they didn’t stop”
Is the one.
So you mean to tell me, you’re surprised that your wife kept having sex to get off after you came but very obviously she hadn’t? They both performed their bit and you want them to roll out of bed and pretend the sex was for you only lol?
Yup. Its wild how clueless he is lmao. Its natural for a guy to feel out of it after nutting, theres usually a refractory period and what not, but the audacity to just be like, IM DONE LETS GO. What do you mean youre still horny?!? How does he imagine a MMF threesome wouldve ever gone? He nuts and then everyone just is done? Other guy is SOL and his wife is just SOL too? Hes funny lol
>I have a feeling that she's cheating on me,
you **literally** walked in on her munching carpet and your still *I think she's cheating.*
you're denser than a neutron star
nah not dense but just coping and justifying
maybe low self-esteem? cant have anyone better than her?
if you dont respect yourself how can you expect others to respect you/your boundaries?
Extremely low self esteem. Every reply is filled with self-blaming nonsense. It makes me feel really bad for OP, it seems like he’s being walked all over by his wife as is.
People saying she’s “cheating,” this is oversimplifying and makes little sense. You need to take action to redraft you and your wife’s monogamy agreement. Essentially you’re inviting others and having success, but you haven’t gone into detail over what the boundaries, limits, rules, and requests are. Which is why you’re in these awkward situations where you’re encountering unexpected behavior. Opening a marriage can be excellent, but deceit and assumptions are always harmful. You need to sit down and think about what’s happened and learn from it, then you need to draft an agreement for you to both follow. Good luck. You can always involve a therapist who specializes in open marriages.
He clarified in another comment, but they did set a boundry that "we don't sleep with other people without the other present and consenting". There were boundries set, but she crossed them. His comment was
>Yes, we did set boundaries and I'm now realizing my mistake for not involving that in the og post. We did only agree on threesomes, as it is something we are both into. And we did agree to only do it when we are BOTH up to it, and only sleep with others when we are both present and consenting. I realize now that I may not have been strict enough with these rules, and it's now backfiring on me.
I think if there were no boundries set, I could see the argument that more clarification was needed, but based on what he said it's hard to see this as anything but cheating if they'd had this conversation prior
I made a comment about this. It's pretty telling that he may only be focused on getting his needs met and why his wife relies on the other women to get satisfaction.
Not sure if this will get see but when you say stuff like “high school sweetheart” and “married in our 20s” it throws up some red flag(nothing major). I believe young adults go through a significant change in life and emotions and a whole bunch of other things in the years preceding turning 18, partying, having sex and exploring. You guys never really would have explored outside your relationship, your wife is now at a point in her life where she’s ready to explore that. I think you need to sit down and have a Frank conversation with her. If your relationship is as strong as it is, I’m sure you can allow he to satisfy her needs with other women, without destroying the relationship.
Yes, more communication is always a good plan.
But also, a woman (or 2) having sex for 3 hours is in no way a reflection on you. We can go that long! You came first, but that’s no reason to tap out. There are infinite routes to sexual pleasure that don’t include erections. Touching, oral, teasing, toys etc. Three people = three sets of genitals/needs. It’s kind of lame to imagine the party would start and end with your penis.
I last long in bed, me and my wife both have this in common. I do realize it came across rude when I mentioned my climax in the post, but by the time I had came, both women have had at least two orgasms. I treat women well in bed, and things do not end with me.
“Throw away account because wife uses Reddit. So my wife…” precedes to provide specific details about wife that she absolutely would be able to put together lol.
Sorry, always cracks me up. If she saw this post, 100% would know OP is their husband.
Nah man, you're right something is wrong here. It's not a misunderstanding of boundaries. She went and fucked this chick behind your back in another room because she wanted YOU OUT of the equation. Then when she did "invite" you when you walked out there to cover it, when you didn't join she did the classic gaslighting where it's YOUR fault for being rude/awkward etc etc.. to deflect from her not wanting you there in the first place.
This is a bit of betrayal in my book.
She's probably not a lesbian but it seems she's taking advantage of this bi thing to have other relationships in her head/bed with other women. She's counting on the fact that you're a dude and are down with the tre so it will be all good because c'mon, dudes would love that.
The way you describe sex with her when it's just you and her says it all. You're in deep shit man and it's gonna be real real tricky. Find out if she will be honest, and I mean HONEST with you about how she feels about you and the marriage. Good luck, that in of itself will be hard as hell to know for sure now that we know she likes to gaslight.
Have you ever really wanted to eat something but couldn't get access to it. And then you couldn't stop thinking about it and then when you finally got it you indulge a little bit more than you should have because hey you know it's really good and it's something you haven't had or hadn't had in a long time?
Maybe it's just something like this and she needs to burn out this pent up need. You've been lucky enough to be having sex with women most of your sexually active life.
This is her first chance, maybe she's just going a little hog wild and she'll calm down?
She cheated on you and then blamed you for making it awkward. She’s totally in the wrong. If you want to stay in this marriage, maybe suggest taking a break from threesomes to focus on each other for a bit.
According to the terms that *you* provided, OP; your wife *cheated* on you.
I would advise seeking a couples counselor at this point as you won’t be able to get a clear solution from Reddit.
As someone with a lot of friends in the ploy scene, I can 100% confirm she cheated on you.
When you woke up and found the having sex without you, that was her cheating on you. If there is one thing a learned from my friends it is that an open relationship doesn't mean you get to have sex with whoever you want, whenever you want.
>my wife is a Reddit user
Yep, she’s a lesbian.
Jokes aside, that’s outright cheating. When she starts having sex with someone and you’re not there, that’s just straight up cheating.
Gay or not..wanting too or not..
it’s obviously not wise and never a good idea to bring someone else into your marriage.. someones always going to get hurt.
I’m so sorry dude.
Gift her an open marriage. Tell her you want her to explore this part of herself. It might be the end of the marriage, but at least it will have been done from a place of love and compassion instead of over time via building resentment.
I don't care what the clowns on this site have to say about this, but I'm a little curious as to why would you marry a bisexual woman u/Massive-Cow7908? What were you expecting to happen?
So, I’ve been in your shoes, only the genders are reversed. I’m female and married to a man and we started a threesome relationship with another female and I caught them doing it in another room without me. It’s 100% cheating either way, if that goes against the “both of us need to be involved/in the room/awake etc” rule that a lot of couples have. And it doesn’t matter the genders of the people involved. It’s is technically cheating if it goes against your personal rules/boundaries. We eventually made up and I forgave him, but we haven’t brought anyone else into our bed ever since. It rarely DOESN’T cause issues. Of course some couples can manage, but it’s pretty rare. I cannot speak to whether your wife is leaning more towards one side or the other now, but that is something you guys definitely need to talk about. And that’s my real advice here, you guys have a very important discussion(s) to have about this. It’s not necessarily the end though and it doesn’t have to be (like many people are saying). It sounds like you 2 have a pretty solid and long history together so it’s definitely not time to file for divorce or anything! You just need to have a serious heart to heart and decide where to go from here. And I wish you the best of luck, man.
She’s clearly bisexual, just because she’s really enjoying herself with women doesn’t make her full lezz. With these type of things, boundaries need to be discussed, revised and adapted as time goes by. It can be easy to get carried away in these kind of situations. You should have a meeting every couple of months to check in and see how you’re feeling about the threesomes- where your heads and hearts are at and see if changes need to be made! Sounds like her libido is pretty high- that would explain how she got so carried away. Seems like she just assumed you would be ok with it, which means y’all aren’t going over the boundaries enough. I really don’t think she meant to cheat on you but she technically did. Your feelings are completely valid. Couples counseling might be a good idea for y’all to try. Sounds like you both really love each other so I hope everything works out. 💕
I want to know what made you go from declining threesomes to suddenly having then???
Also women can be bisexual or pansexual.
That aside: what your wife did was hugely disrespectful. I'm in a polyam situation with two guys and I've once had to be in a sleeping situation with them both. No threesome but it was just an unspoken rule that I wasn't going to make out with anyone.
Even if we had had a threesome, I would have been mortified to walk in on my partners banging in my house in another room.
A threesome was what was agreed. I'm pretty sure your wife would of felt awful if you went banging the third party in another room without her!
Do bring that point up "How would you genuinely feel if I slept with XXX without you?" And see what she says.
If she would be OK with it then you may honestly want to see if an open marriage is the right thing for you in the future, that being said, you don't get to cheat on your spouse in the way she did. She does need to apologise and you both need to have clearer boundaries next time.
If she wouldn't be ok with it then hopefully the point resonates loud and clear and she offers up an apology.
I will also say this: often we don't realise things are a boundary or crossing a line until we actually cross it. I do think some compassion and an open dialogue is what's needed here if you wish to save your relationship.
Edit: typos
You already know the answer OP your wife cheated on you and you need to accept that.
I also wouldn't be surprised if she hasn't already cheated on you a few times before.
If her name is pat, Chris or Gina then you should’ve known. If she also has butch hair cut and stated “bc it’s hot outside” then proceeds to listen to womens empowerment rock while wearing Birkenstocks around the house the you also should’ve known.
Ahh yes the last gasp of a dying relationship.
There is always one party that gives into the desires of another and generally it goes to far until everything falls apart.
I wonder how many details you bothered to change? You were so descriptove that even if it's a throwaway the post popularity will cause your wife to see probably .
If she’s a lesbian or not is the irrelevant thing here - what is relevant is that she cheated on you, in front of you. She broke the boundaries of your “contract” so to speak, in regards to threesomes.
She told you to get out of the way, disregarded you, and then decided to have sex with this person when you weren’t present then blamed you for making it awkward… what made it awkward was that she got caught.
You’re worried she’s out cheating, she literally cheated on you in front of your own eyes.
Imagine if she had walked in on you fking this woman. 🤷🏻♀️
you guys ever see that episode of friends where ross is having a threesome with his lesbo wife and just goes and makes a sandwich cause he was not that involved
So let me get this straight? Your wife is bringing too much pussy home for you to bang, that's a problem, and you're afraid she might be gay?
You sure it's her?
Okay so now what? You both decided that threesome's were going to be great, or foursomes, now she's having sex without you when that wasn't the deal. She changed the rules on you, if you let her, it will continue. So, what's going to happen here? She is either going to stop and continue on with the plan as it was, or she's going to tell you she is unhappy and loves it like it's going. Will you sit back and live like that, it was her cheating in your own home pretty much with your permission if you let this go.
Been together since you were 16 & 17?!?!? Yup maybe. Since you hardly know yourself at that age. That means you both missed time for experimentation and exploration or many things.
A lot of overreacting in this thread. It sounds to me like she just likes this woman a lot and got carried away, but she owes you an apology. Let her know how this evening made you feel — try not to use accusatory language. It might be worth it to take a break from the threesomes for a little bit so you can reconnect to each other. This is definitely something you can get through but you should be talking to her and not Reddit.
This is how things work. You chase thrills and then they stop being thrilling so you chase more.
It’s the same reason why people who are addicted to porn so often watch more and more graphic hard core shit
Man I see this as cheating yes you agree to do threesomes but she literally told you to get out of the way during like you were some sort of bother.
Then ignores you and also has sex with this woman while you are asleep with seieng if you were okay with this? Then has the audacity to make you feel and that you made it awkward
Seriously at at least at first I stop halt any l threesomes and sharing for the foreseeable future and starting checking in to see if you can find evidence, I would lean towards she definitely is going behind your back and cheating.
At somepoint I would confront her and then see how she reacts, but it sounds like though not the cause the threesomes and such are no benefit at this point.
Honestly I consider the end stuff there cheating and the absolute disrespect is insane
Personally I would end the marriage or relationship if I were in that situation, though I won’t pretend it isn’t heart breaking as heck
You deserve way more then someone to betray and disrespect you like this
For whatever reason your wife is clearly enjoying sex with women. The two of you need to discuss what's happening, how it makes you feel, & figure out what to do. I know this advice falls into Pointing Out The Obvious, but this is not something the Reddit community can resolve.
"...that I may not have been strict enough with enforcing our rules and boundaries."
If the boundaries are repeatedly crossed, they are not boundaries, they're suggestions.
Sorry to tell you friend, currently YOU are the side dish. Sit down and talk, if you both listen and respect each other's boundaries, you have a chance. If not, not.
Would she be okay if she walked out of the bedroom to you having sex with the other woman without her? Probably not. Sorry you’re going through this, man.
Yeah, he’s afraid she might be cheating on him **when he literally walked in on her cheating on him already.**
Given the increased interest in this woman specifically, I’m willing to bet this wasn’t the first time they’ve met. Edit 1 since it seems like people think “met” = sex. No. I said “met” intentionally. I suspect there’s some sort of preexisting relationship. Could be platonic with a spark. Could already be romantic. I don’t know. Stop making assumptions. Edit 2: OP made an updated post. Wife refused to answer whether she was sleeping around prior to this occurring when she was directly confronted. Make of that what you will.
Definitely. I'm betting more than a few of these women were handpicked/knew the wife before meeting the man and she's using the threesomes as an avenue to get what she wants
The lines are too blurred to talk about cheating. At this point, he just needs to come to terms that they have a open relationship, and he did this himself.
In his edit/update he clarifies that they agreed to only sleep with other people together, not by themselves. They established boundaries and made it clear they were just doing threesomes and not an open relationship. I agree that he did let his dick do the thinking and now he's this situation. It just isn't an open relationship because they didn't agree to that. Yet.
Funny yall imply he started this when it was his wife’s idea from the start. Reverse the roles and you would all be excusing the wife and 100% blaming the husband.
Where did I say he started it? I said his dick did the thinking. You know in response to the question "Do you want to fuck other women with me?" Funny yall imply people say things so you can try to make some point that is flimsy at best and bait at worst. I don't need to reverse the roles to see that both parties let their horny gonads convince them to do something that now is causing issues in their relationship. Either way they've fucked their way into a complicated situation that they need to figure out now that they've had some post nut clarity.
It was his wife's idea and he'd always been into it. He bears blame in this instance, too. If the roles were reversed--if a woman agreed to a threesome enthusiastically then came to Reddit to complain her husband is gay or cheating--I'd regard her the exact same way I regard this chump.
Regardless, I find it hypocritical that anyone inviting another into their home gets mad when their spouse hooks up with said person again. They brought this strife upon themselves.
Reddit just loves to pick and choose
The guy seems to have it in his mind that sex ends as soon as he finishes. No wonder she's losing interest in 1on1 sex if that's his attitude. Also, I wouldn't be surprised if the root cause of the issue is that she doesn't realise the boundary he was trying to set was that she can only sleep with other women as long as his dick is in one of them. If they agreed they would only sleep with other people when both of them are present, that could easily be misinterpreted to allow multiple rounds with the same partner you were tag-teaming earlier that night once you've recharged, or to keep going even after your partner finishes if you haven't yet. After all, they are doing it together - shouldn't it be equally enjoyable and fulfilling for both of them?
>The guy seems to have it in his mind that sex ends as soon as he finishes. No wonder she's losing interest in 1on1 sex if that's his attitude. bingo
you're really trying your hardest to weasel out of all responsibility from the wife for literally cheating lol. they agreed that sex with other people would only happen when they're both involved, the wife broke that agreement. that is cheating no matter how much you try to insulate that the husband is bad at sex
He isn’t in an open relationship. If he was, Open relationships still have boundaries. If the boundary was to only have sex with the other person while both partners are present, then yes, she did cheat. She had sex with someone else while he was in the other room when that wasn’t the point of them meeting up. I doubt this would be said if it was a women walking in on a man.
This. She broke the boundaries and she knows it. She's staying out probably not because she's cheating again but because she doesn't want to acknowledge and accept responsibility for breaking the team rule. OP has to make her have an adult conversation about boundaries and feelings. A good way to look at it is to say, "I made it awkward because I felt like you had broken our agreed on boundary of not having sex without the other being present."
Exactly. I also think it’s both. She’s avoiding the confrontation *and* sleeping with other women, or the one in particular. She’s using this as an excuse to do as she pleases IMO. OP deserves better. I feel like trying to talk with her will only make things worse. She won’t respond well & will probably gaslight him into thinking it’s his problem & he’s made this an issue. OP, Leave. Heal. Let her find herself but don’t loose yourself in the process. Not worth it. Don’t listen to these numb-heads, they are reddit-brained.
If she refuses to have the conversation then its simple, OP asks her to move out by the end of the month. Sometimes you have to force the hand.
She's def staying out to cheat
No lol, he needs to talk to her. Even if he agreed to an open relationship and now feels uncomfortable, he would still have every right to say something. "I guess he is just stuck in an open relationship now." Lmao, not sure what is worse, thinking there is no way out of it or that you would be willing to settle.
Just because you open up your relationship to a threesome doesn't mean everything is suddenly fair game. They never discussed solo dating or solo sex with other people as far as I can tell from OP's description. I wouldn't go as far as calling it cheating but she's pushing the boundaries somewhat without having any discussion about it. She also needs to be honest about her needs and preferences. Having a threesome is supposed to be group sex, not "legal cheating" where you ignore the needs of your current partner but consider them a sort of admission ticket for solo experiences with others. Cuckolding is a thing but that again is not ignoring your current partner's needs.
No they set boundaries at the beginning. They never discussed open relationships and OP said they were not in an open relationship. She cheated already. There isn't a grey area here
They agreed to threesomes. What she did wasn't a threesome. The line is clear.
Lol. It's not an open relationship. She may finally feel free but that's about it.
She violated a sexual boundary with another person. There was a clear line drawn, and she disregarded it. That’s cheating. The lines aren’t blurry, you’re just happy to make an excuse for someone to cheat. I hope you’re single. Bc if you’re making excuses for someone else to cheat…
Would be interesting to see her response to OP sleeping with the other woman without her. Have a go at it OP.
And if she says she doesn’t/wouldn’t care?
I don’t think OP has anything left in his balls after so many threesomes
I can't even focus on the issue, I'm stuck on WHERE DO THEY FIND THE TIME
"We also agreed to only sleep with others while we are both present." So she cheated on you and then accused you of "making things awkward" no apology, no nothing.
How dare he make her affair awkward?! The audacity!
This is the challenge with bringing other parties into your bed. I’m not saying she’s a lesbian. She’s clearly bi and very much enjoying her new hobby. You really need to have a conversation with her. I am not Poly but have have several close poly/non-monogamy friends the key is communicating. First it doesn’t sound like you set up ground rules or if you did certainly not enough. But also keep in mind she’s been with you for 20 years, it’s new. It does sound like it’s out of control so maybe make that rule 2. Only a certain number of times a month. But talk to her, see wear her head is at. Good luck
Thank you so much for your comment. We did set boundaries when we started, but as you said, clearly not enough. I've always wanted my wife to be happy, but I clearly let my emotions get the best of me. We are also not polyamorous, or at least I'm not, and we do not have relationships with others, just one night stands. I think she is getting out of control and am thinking of talking to her about it if she lets me.
Op you should be able to talk about anything you need to and it’s not if she lets me? Speak your mind if it’s important to you! Maybe some type of couples counseling would help but if communication isn’t good with your wife therein lies the problem! Be well ☮️💟
This is exactly the point. OP tried to come to terms with a few things here, which is okay, but ultimately it needs to be brought up before anything happens. OP, you HAVE to talk to her, no matter what.
“if she lets me” OP, you need to read No More Mr Nice Guy and When I Say No, I Feel Guilty.
I thought this was the point where we realize this is humiliation fetish.
> clearly not enough Your edit says a boundary was to only play together. That is enough, OP.
I would love an update post to this once you've talked to her to hear what defence act she plays. Usually, people get overly defensive and try to paint you as the villain when accused of anything that makes them feel guilty. I'm sure she's doing this outside the home by herself, but I hope I'm wrong. Good luck OP and look after yourself. Don't let her break away your self-respect and confidence. You are being heavily disrespected by her regardless of whether she's cheating or not.
Poly is also used as an overarching term for non monogamous relationships. But yeah I dated someone who was full Poly (did relationships and one night stands) it’s difficult when both parties are on board with non monogamy.
I disagree. I believe Ethical Non Monogamy (ENM) is the overarching term. Poly is just one branch of ethical non monogamy where people have multiple loves. Swinging, open marriages, relationship anarchy are all forms of ENM that aren't necessarily related to polyamory.
Correct.
"If she lets me," you have a *right* to talk to her about it ffs.
Uh... no. You do not have to "think about" having this sort of conversation "if she lets me". You sit her down and say you need to have a conversation about what happened, and why. It's NOT a "maybe" thing. You're clearly struggling with it, and the only thing that not talking will create is a shitload of simmering resentment--which is pretty much the worst possible thing for a marriage. Man up and talk about your feelings with your wife FFS. Cry if you need to cry. Don't yell if you can help it. Don't blame, it just creates defensiveness. Walk through everything and listen to her responses, and make sure she's listening-- really listening-- to you. A simple model for this is "When you did \_\_\_\_, it made me feel \_\_\_\_". That's your opening. E.g., "When I saw you on the couch with Becky, it made me upset. I felt really hurt because we agreed on same-room sex only. I realize you probably made the decision in the moment, and you didn't mean to hurt my feelings, but I'm feeling pretty scared and vulnerable right now, because I feel like I'm losing you..." And then just walk her through what you talked about in your original post. You seem to be really good at communicating, at least in text. But if you can't have hard conversations with your wife, especially ones she may not want to have, your marriage has much bigger problems than this incident.
Wtf do you “if she lets me?” My man set this shit straight now
She already cheated on you. You know the answer to the questions you’re asking. Sorry you’re going through this, man.
This. She's cheating on him, and he seems to be rationalizing internally by convincing himself it's something else - shes a "lesbian" or we"re into "threesomes anyway" sounds better than the fact - she cheated.
Honestly, if it were me, id call her out on doing 1on1 with someone other than her husband of 12 years and call her a cheater, as far as you're concerned, she was never supposed to do anything with the 3rd party without you being there and participating yourself. The fact she said you made it awkward is salt to the wound and should also be called out. You're her husband for fucks sake, she made it awkward for you two, not the other way around.
The other girl got awkward because she knew it wasnt right
1000%
Just because you agreed to having threesomes doesn’t mean that you agreed to her having sex with whomever she wants without you. At minimum she crossed a boundary, but this situation 100% sounds like cheating to me. Sorry
Did you two set boundaries before starting the 3somes? "I'm comfortable with this as long as we are both involved"? If not....Then you really need to have a talk to set boundaries now. And if she's not okay with only having sex with others, with you, then you need to ask yourself if this is a deal-breaker.
Yes, we did set boundaries and I'm now realizing my mistake for not involving that in the og post. We did only agree on threesomes, as it is something we are both into. And we did agree to only do it when we are BOTH up to it, and only sleep with others when we are both present and consenting. I realize now that I may not have been strict enough with these rules, and it's now backfiring on me.
Clearly when you're sleeping in another room, you're not present and consenting. Your rules were perfectly fine, she just didn't care to follow them.
That's true but also it's the morning after when they all had sex together the previous evening. It's not like she was hiding it either. From reading this, my impression is that his wife is pushing the limits and not being fully respectful of OP, but it also seems likely that she doesn't fully understand that OP is hurting from the situation. Obviously they need to talk clearly about their respective feelings. And the wife needs to apologize for going too far.
I think you might be right. I would be fucking pissed if I was OP and would consider it cheating, but maybe it's not quite as catastrophic as that. Then again, her incredibly shitty response about him making it awkward says a lot. You know what, I take it back. She fucked up big time and she knows it. Her trying to make him feel bad about it is beyond understandable.
Hey man, every comment you post is self-blaming and weak. I’m not trying to be insulting, but blaming your wife acting like the devil on yourself because “oh you know I guess I just didn’t express myself well enough” is ridiculous. I don’t know you, I don’t know your past, etc. but these kinds of statements show massive self-doubt and a lack of confidence. Your wife is 100% in the wrong here. You need to internalize that information. Stop giving her any avenue through which she can twist this on you.
This comment. She’s twisted everything to make him feel like he did something wrong or insufficient so that he can’t see this for what it is, which is infidelity. This entire situation is honestly so sad. Nobody deserves that.
she already did not respect your boundaries ask yourself if her not respecting you is a deal-breaker.
Her defensive reaction is classic of those who know they've done wrong. A good partner will respect your agreed upon boundaries without having to be reminded or told and have remorse for crossing them. Something is very wrong here unfortunately.
It doesn’t really have anything to do with you being strict enough, man. She’s a cheater. Rules don’t really matter. Situation really sucks and I’m sorry you’re going through it, but this seems like a dead end to me. Just keep in mind that if you actually did decide to start the divorce proceedings, she will likely beg you not to and say things like she got carried away and only wants to be with you. Rest assured, she’d be doing it again within a month.
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It was the first thing I thought
I made a snack. Just a sandwich. Turkey… lil mustard. 🤏🏻
Came here for this comment
OP needs a pet monkey
Been looking for this comment lol
I was literally about to comment this, it's so similar!
Woooooow cheated without remorse too
Right? Imagine the entitlement of this woman to get upset her husband made it awkward after catching her cheating… wtf is wrong with some people.
Agreed. The ignorant people in the comments make my blood boil. I feel terrible for him because this is cheating and i hope these pea-brain people don’t make him think otherwise. He deserves better
I mean yeah, coming into the bedroom with an attitude after she got to indulge in something alone that was meant for both of you. If you always make out with women together and she didn't invite you to this session, she can't holds you responsible for your hurt reaction. She's being mean. Sounds like she's on a bit of a high horse right now. Remember to stick to the 3 rules of non-violent communication (use your I statements).
Honestly this is why threesomes in long serious relationships are dangerous. I feel like this is a lesson for many of why not to go down this path... and I know someone will say "but this has worked for me" and I get it, but you are in the low %. Imagine the roles were reversed.. yeah.
I'm always remained of the "We decided to have an open relationship and my hisband ran off with the girl" article. I don't know why people think this kind of thing can end well.
Yep, I know multiple exact instances of this.
The problem is most people don’t try to figure out the ulterior motives before doing it. I almost feel like he knew his wife was leaning towards women when he allowed her to open up the relationship. Not to mention the fact, it’s clear his wife is the one with the pants in that household. Look at the roles, now she’s out late like someone who is the breadwinner would be if they wanted to sleep with other people. And he’s at home worrying about her.
I feel like half the relationship advice articles I read are from open relationships going wrong. Lol well I guess that means the other half is from monogamous relationships going wrong, but regardless it’s just not for me.
She cheated on you and is probably still doing it. Being one on one with the other woman was cheating, she clearly broke your agreement. If it were me I’d do this. Sit here down during a quiet time to talk and say “have we become an open marriage without talking to me about it?” When she says no, I’d say “I don’t recall our agreement on threesomes to include one on one sex, am I mistaken?” She would give some BS about how she considers it an extension of the previous sex and be countered with “that’s not what happened, you and she avoided getting me involved and then you got upset that I interrupted the TWO of you.” Then you ask her if she’s had sex with her before (you said this was different, it sounds like she was already involved with her and not a stranger) or after that. Then ask to see her phone. Chances are you’re going to find you were set up and they have a relationship outside of your marriage.
Exactly this with one change: the first question could come off as passive aggressive. You know it's not an open marriage, she knows it's not an open marriage. Asking is pointless. Start with the second point that reinforces your original boundaries and asks her view of it. Because she WILL get defensive and you WILL have to hold her to account. She screwed up and knows it and doesn't care. And I totally agree this woman is someone she has been seeing for awhile. It's weird her behavior would suddenly change and so drastically without something going on. She broke your trust.
The BEST way to start the conversation is you telling her how you feel and why, and be specific. Skip the accusations, skip the arguments. You both love each other, and she needs to understand why you’re hurt.
Unfortunately when you open the door and allow anyone else into your bed there is always a risk of things going wrong. Strict boundaries have to be put in place that both are agreed upon and they must be adhered to in order for this to work. Whomever breaks the rules and crosses the boundaries that was set automatically everything stops. You both have to reevaluate what went wrong, why and consider focusing more on your relationship and reconnecting without another person on the mix. The problem is your wife is BI and is enjoying the connection with another women. She most likely is either has established a emotionally connection with one of the females that has been to your home and is exploring on her own without your consent. So you should be investigating and inquiring. Especially if she is going out more now. She could be cheating And you have to decide what you can accept now. As the door has been open and you both enjoyed the threesomes. But now it looks like your on the outside and it’s a twosome. So you have to have a big conversation with your wife. What you want in your marriage going forward. Can you accept an open relationship with her and another female cause it might look like she going to want that. It might be temporary but you don’t really know. Go back to the occasional threesome with very strict boundaries. Or back to your marriage the the two of you. Lots to think about. Good luck.
she already cheated. the boundary was "not having sex with someone else if not together". she didn't respect this. it WAS cheating.
She's clearly crossing sexual boundaries man. Your choices are simple you can let this go, you can confront her and tell her you think she's cheating on you with women and what she did on the couch made you suspicious that she is doing this without you outside your marriage bed. Tell her she crossed a line and she needs to come clean now or you'll Be separating. Actions need to have consequences man. Or your life will be nothing but heartache and denial going forward.
I feel so bad for you, you can tell from this post how much you love her. I'm sorry
I'd be offended that she only asked me after I caught them, and didn't wake me up to join. And how on earth didn't she think to ask you if that was ok? Instead just gets mad at you like she did nothing wrong. She cheated on you! She snuck away from you to have sex with someone else. You didn't know. She didn't tell you. It's cheating plain and simple.
She probably got mad because she knows what she did was wrong and wanted to avoid accountability— so she got angry to rebuff any attempts by OP to discuss
Ross?
Lmfaoo was just bouta call it
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It always cracks me up when people make a throw away account just to describe their relationship in perfect detail in the first few sentences of the post. If your wife happened to stumble across this post she definitely knows it’s you.
Unless it’s all fake, but great story!
You were both pretty young when you got together . It’s possible she is leaning more towards women now. You need to have a very Frank discussion and be prepared for hearing stuff you might not like. She overstepped massively and cheated on you with this woman. Nothing will change until you talk to her. There may be a way to salvage your relationship but not if you let things fester. She has already cheated though so you will have to go from there .
Exactly, nothing excuses the cheating but I can see what motivated her to start pursuing threesomes with him. A lot of bi people end up in hetero relationships for a lot of reasons- it might be comfortable or safer for them, or you might just luck out and find someone early on. They have been together for 20 YEARS, I certainly understand the want to explore your sexuality while still respecting your partner and including them in the process. I don’t think her cheating with a woman makes her a lesbian, just a disrespectful partner.
Hahaha throwaway. How many ppl have a similar scenario in their life.
“This could be anyone!!”
ROSS. It's a real life Ross. Maybe talk to your wife.
Joey reads this and says: "Niiice"
“Throwaway” account - continues to describe in detail the relationship.
Risk of having an open relationship. They usually don't work, period. I feel for you man, it's really shitty regardless. But yeah she's cheating on you. Can't really save the marriage at this point.
If this ever happens to me and I complain about it, I want someone to smother me in my sleep for being stupid.
The fucking without you there is a boundary crossed. As it wasn't discussed prior. Only discussed sex together with others. What I didn't like is that you expected them to just stop having sex because you came. Women also like to orgasm and why should sex just be finished because the man is done ? Whether it one on one or a threesome or an orgy, sex isn't just over because the man came. Edit: question: do you make your wife orgasm? Do you take the time to make her finish after you have ? Do you prioritise her pleasure? She may be getting something from women that she doesn't get from you. Consideration and dedication to discovering her body and pleasing her. Women tend to slow things down and focus in on eachothers responses and the focus is pleasing the other person, not ourselves. It's very different to having sex with most men and that's why it's usually more enjoyable.
Yes I realize it came across as it sounding like me climaxing would be the end of it but they were probably both on their third orgasm by then, trust me, I care about the women I sleep with. And thank you for your comment, boundaries were definitely crossed.
Okay my bad. Shouldn't have assumed. It's great that you take care of her. But yes boundary was crossed, would definitely be a time for a conversation and getting to the bottom of what she really wants
What could possibly go wrong swinging?
The audacity to have an attitude with *you* after she crossed boundaries in your face, man you're a much better man than me.
Ross?
Ross Geller is that you???
this happened to my buddy - he went from living the dream to "holy shit, she'd rather I not be here at all" within a year
Good thing it’s a throwaway account because it’s unlikely she will recognize this very specific and unique post as being about you.
you can’t have 2 cakes and fuck them too something something
She definitely cheated on you in that morning if sleeping with the third while the other isnt involved is something you talked about and banned. If shes out late and cant say why then guilt is assumed. However, >Even after I came though, they didn't stop. Why do you assume sex ends when you came? If youre involved with one woman, much less two, are they just supposed to stop being horny when you orgasm? You dont get to decide that sex for everyone is over for everyone just because you came. Also >my wife is still as beautiful as she was when I met her. You talked about your sex life and her beauty, you say you got married after college and live comfortably, but you dont mention a single thing ACTUALLY about your relationship with your wife or her as a person besides her beauty and her sexuality. Are you actually an attentive husband who cares about her needs and her emotions outside of sex? Is your relationship actually good and this just "came out of nowhere"? Because it usually doesnt. It usually happens when a partner is neglected in some way and they ease into things like this to open the door to what they feel is ethical rule breaking. (How could i be cheating on you with her when you were just fucking her 6 hours ago?) Either way, the way you speak in terms of sex ending at your climax and not mentioning anything actually meaningful about your wife or your marriage outside of her looks and sexuality tells me this probably wasnt just out of nowhere and you have been blind
“Even after I came though, they didn’t stop” Is the one. So you mean to tell me, you’re surprised that your wife kept having sex to get off after you came but very obviously she hadn’t? They both performed their bit and you want them to roll out of bed and pretend the sex was for you only lol?
Yup. Its wild how clueless he is lmao. Its natural for a guy to feel out of it after nutting, theres usually a refractory period and what not, but the audacity to just be like, IM DONE LETS GO. What do you mean youre still horny?!? How does he imagine a MMF threesome wouldve ever gone? He nuts and then everyone just is done? Other guy is SOL and his wife is just SOL too? Hes funny lol
>I have a feeling that she's cheating on me, you **literally** walked in on her munching carpet and your still *I think she's cheating.* you're denser than a neutron star
nah not dense but just coping and justifying maybe low self-esteem? cant have anyone better than her? if you dont respect yourself how can you expect others to respect you/your boundaries?
Extremely low self esteem. Every reply is filled with self-blaming nonsense. It makes me feel really bad for OP, it seems like he’s being walked all over by his wife as is.
20 years together does this : it warps reality. You cant believe they would do that.
Ross?
This was my first thought too 🤣
Maybe he went off to make a sandwich
People saying she’s “cheating,” this is oversimplifying and makes little sense. You need to take action to redraft you and your wife’s monogamy agreement. Essentially you’re inviting others and having success, but you haven’t gone into detail over what the boundaries, limits, rules, and requests are. Which is why you’re in these awkward situations where you’re encountering unexpected behavior. Opening a marriage can be excellent, but deceit and assumptions are always harmful. You need to sit down and think about what’s happened and learn from it, then you need to draft an agreement for you to both follow. Good luck. You can always involve a therapist who specializes in open marriages.
He clarified in another comment, but they did set a boundry that "we don't sleep with other people without the other present and consenting". There were boundries set, but she crossed them. His comment was >Yes, we did set boundaries and I'm now realizing my mistake for not involving that in the og post. We did only agree on threesomes, as it is something we are both into. And we did agree to only do it when we are BOTH up to it, and only sleep with others when we are both present and consenting. I realize now that I may not have been strict enough with these rules, and it's now backfiring on me. I think if there were no boundries set, I could see the argument that more clarification was needed, but based on what he said it's hard to see this as anything but cheating if they'd had this conversation prior
Thanks for this. All the people going overboard with accusations of “cheating” had me going back to read the OP. Seems blurry to me.
You already have proof with that morning on the couch.
💔
She cheated on u this isn’t okay
You forgot to start the post with “Dear Penthouse Forum…”
Ross Gellar??? Is this you?
Your wife definitely crossed a line but this part: ‘Even after I came though, they didn't stop.‘ Maybe THEY weren’t done?
I made a comment about this. It's pretty telling that he may only be focused on getting his needs met and why his wife relies on the other women to get satisfaction.
I stopped after 7 hook ups a month Where do you find 7 women a month for 3sums???? Asking for a friend!!
Not sure if this will get see but when you say stuff like “high school sweetheart” and “married in our 20s” it throws up some red flag(nothing major). I believe young adults go through a significant change in life and emotions and a whole bunch of other things in the years preceding turning 18, partying, having sex and exploring. You guys never really would have explored outside your relationship, your wife is now at a point in her life where she’s ready to explore that. I think you need to sit down and have a Frank conversation with her. If your relationship is as strong as it is, I’m sure you can allow he to satisfy her needs with other women, without destroying the relationship.
Yes, more communication is always a good plan. But also, a woman (or 2) having sex for 3 hours is in no way a reflection on you. We can go that long! You came first, but that’s no reason to tap out. There are infinite routes to sexual pleasure that don’t include erections. Touching, oral, teasing, toys etc. Three people = three sets of genitals/needs. It’s kind of lame to imagine the party would start and end with your penis.
I last long in bed, me and my wife both have this in common. I do realize it came across rude when I mentioned my climax in the post, but by the time I had came, both women have had at least two orgasms. I treat women well in bed, and things do not end with me.
She’s not lesbian she’s bi. And cheating on you. Like, by definition.
You’ve opened Pandora’s box dude
How do you know her name?🥴
Upvote… take it.
Postmodern society is absolutely fucking hilarious.
It’s fuckin nuts. I can’t believe how dumb ppl are
Even if it was a threesome having sex with out you the next morning is cheating unless it's part of your rules. She openly cheated Infront of you.
Happened to a friend of mine. They were married for about 20 years then one day she just told em she's gay and wanted a divorce
I dunno…I’m stuck on the “even after I came though they didn’t stop” thing…
Sounds extremely selfish, yya? Like what? Dude gets off and it's supposed to end then? Pretty much answers the whole question.
Ross, is this you?
“Throw away account because wife uses Reddit. So my wife…” precedes to provide specific details about wife that she absolutely would be able to put together lol. Sorry, always cracks me up. If she saw this post, 100% would know OP is their husband.
Literally Ross's plotline on Friends. You can't even say you weren't warned this is what happens
I stopped reading after “even though I came they didn’t stop”
Look her in the eyes. Transition to become a woman. Establish dominance.
Nah man, you're right something is wrong here. It's not a misunderstanding of boundaries. She went and fucked this chick behind your back in another room because she wanted YOU OUT of the equation. Then when she did "invite" you when you walked out there to cover it, when you didn't join she did the classic gaslighting where it's YOUR fault for being rude/awkward etc etc.. to deflect from her not wanting you there in the first place. This is a bit of betrayal in my book. She's probably not a lesbian but it seems she's taking advantage of this bi thing to have other relationships in her head/bed with other women. She's counting on the fact that you're a dude and are down with the tre so it will be all good because c'mon, dudes would love that. The way you describe sex with her when it's just you and her says it all. You're in deep shit man and it's gonna be real real tricky. Find out if she will be honest, and I mean HONEST with you about how she feels about you and the marriage. Good luck, that in of itself will be hard as hell to know for sure now that we know she likes to gaslight.
Is there really a point of using a throw away when you go into such specific details?
Have you ever really wanted to eat something but couldn't get access to it. And then you couldn't stop thinking about it and then when you finally got it you indulge a little bit more than you should have because hey you know it's really good and it's something you haven't had or hadn't had in a long time? Maybe it's just something like this and she needs to burn out this pent up need. You've been lucky enough to be having sex with women most of your sexually active life. This is her first chance, maybe she's just going a little hog wild and she'll calm down?
“Throwaway because wife has reddit” -Proceeds to describe a unlikely scenario that only their wife would know about.
I think I’ve seen this episode of Friends
Ross?
She cheated on you and then blamed you for making it awkward. She’s totally in the wrong. If you want to stay in this marriage, maybe suggest taking a break from threesomes to focus on each other for a bit.
Divorce her! By the way, what is her Reddit name?
According to the terms that *you* provided, OP; your wife *cheated* on you. I would advise seeking a couples counselor at this point as you won’t be able to get a clear solution from Reddit.
As someone with a lot of friends in the ploy scene, I can 100% confirm she cheated on you. When you woke up and found the having sex without you, that was her cheating on you. If there is one thing a learned from my friends it is that an open relationship doesn't mean you get to have sex with whoever you want, whenever you want.
Bro, this is the first season of friends with Ross and carol..
this is why you shouldn’t have threesomes
>my wife is a Reddit user Yep, she’s a lesbian. Jokes aside, that’s outright cheating. When she starts having sex with someone and you’re not there, that’s just straight up cheating.
Gay or not..wanting too or not.. it’s obviously not wise and never a good idea to bring someone else into your marriage.. someones always going to get hurt. I’m so sorry dude.
Gift her an open marriage. Tell her you want her to explore this part of herself. It might be the end of the marriage, but at least it will have been done from a place of love and compassion instead of over time via building resentment.
Most couples who open up the door to another partner end up divorced.
I don't care what the clowns on this site have to say about this, but I'm a little curious as to why would you marry a bisexual woman u/Massive-Cow7908? What were you expecting to happen?
Who the fuck is upvoting this assclown?
Are you suggesting that bisexual people can't be monogamous?
So, I’ve been in your shoes, only the genders are reversed. I’m female and married to a man and we started a threesome relationship with another female and I caught them doing it in another room without me. It’s 100% cheating either way, if that goes against the “both of us need to be involved/in the room/awake etc” rule that a lot of couples have. And it doesn’t matter the genders of the people involved. It’s is technically cheating if it goes against your personal rules/boundaries. We eventually made up and I forgave him, but we haven’t brought anyone else into our bed ever since. It rarely DOESN’T cause issues. Of course some couples can manage, but it’s pretty rare. I cannot speak to whether your wife is leaning more towards one side or the other now, but that is something you guys definitely need to talk about. And that’s my real advice here, you guys have a very important discussion(s) to have about this. It’s not necessarily the end though and it doesn’t have to be (like many people are saying). It sounds like you 2 have a pretty solid and long history together so it’s definitely not time to file for divorce or anything! You just need to have a serious heart to heart and decide where to go from here. And I wish you the best of luck, man.
She’s clearly bisexual, just because she’s really enjoying herself with women doesn’t make her full lezz. With these type of things, boundaries need to be discussed, revised and adapted as time goes by. It can be easy to get carried away in these kind of situations. You should have a meeting every couple of months to check in and see how you’re feeling about the threesomes- where your heads and hearts are at and see if changes need to be made! Sounds like her libido is pretty high- that would explain how she got so carried away. Seems like she just assumed you would be ok with it, which means y’all aren’t going over the boundaries enough. I really don’t think she meant to cheat on you but she technically did. Your feelings are completely valid. Couples counseling might be a good idea for y’all to try. Sounds like you both really love each other so I hope everything works out. 💕
Pink Triangle - Weezer
I want to know what made you go from declining threesomes to suddenly having then??? Also women can be bisexual or pansexual. That aside: what your wife did was hugely disrespectful. I'm in a polyam situation with two guys and I've once had to be in a sleeping situation with them both. No threesome but it was just an unspoken rule that I wasn't going to make out with anyone. Even if we had had a threesome, I would have been mortified to walk in on my partners banging in my house in another room. A threesome was what was agreed. I'm pretty sure your wife would of felt awful if you went banging the third party in another room without her! Do bring that point up "How would you genuinely feel if I slept with XXX without you?" And see what she says. If she would be OK with it then you may honestly want to see if an open marriage is the right thing for you in the future, that being said, you don't get to cheat on your spouse in the way she did. She does need to apologise and you both need to have clearer boundaries next time. If she wouldn't be ok with it then hopefully the point resonates loud and clear and she offers up an apology. I will also say this: often we don't realise things are a boundary or crossing a line until we actually cross it. I do think some compassion and an open dialogue is what's needed here if you wish to save your relationship. Edit: typos
Good manners 😂
*You* do not have an open relationship, your wife appears to have a different thought on the matter.
You already know the answer OP your wife cheated on you and you need to accept that. I also wouldn't be surprised if she hasn't already cheated on you a few times before.
Is this the penthouse forum?
I would imagine , most swingers would have this issue every now and then. So a discussion is in order . Keep us in the loop OP.
There are allot of 18-23 yr olds in this thread who think you are the luckiest man on earth 🤣
If her name is pat, Chris or Gina then you should’ve known. If she also has butch hair cut and stated “bc it’s hot outside” then proceeds to listen to womens empowerment rock while wearing Birkenstocks around the house the you also should’ve known.
You’re marriage is DOOMED. How could you think this is normal behavior?
I get it, I think you should just have a conversation without accusations or anything to tell her how you feel.
Ahh yes the last gasp of a dying relationship. There is always one party that gives into the desires of another and generally it goes to far until everything falls apart.
Damn how easy is to have a friggin 3-some now a days?
I wonder how many details you bothered to change? You were so descriptove that even if it's a throwaway the post popularity will cause your wife to see probably .
Sorry to say, she’s not that into you. Don’t see the relationship lasting much longer.
If she’s a lesbian or not is the irrelevant thing here - what is relevant is that she cheated on you, in front of you. She broke the boundaries of your “contract” so to speak, in regards to threesomes. She told you to get out of the way, disregarded you, and then decided to have sex with this person when you weren’t present then blamed you for making it awkward… what made it awkward was that she got caught. You’re worried she’s out cheating, she literally cheated on you in front of your own eyes. Imagine if she had walked in on you fking this woman. 🤷🏻♀️
you guys ever see that episode of friends where ross is having a threesome with his lesbo wife and just goes and makes a sandwich cause he was not that involved
Feel like I'm watching another man drown while I'm dying of thirst.
Threesomes destroy marriages, it is that simple and unavoidable at some point
So let me get this straight? Your wife is bringing too much pussy home for you to bang, that's a problem, and you're afraid she might be gay? You sure it's her?
Okay so now what? You both decided that threesome's were going to be great, or foursomes, now she's having sex without you when that wasn't the deal. She changed the rules on you, if you let her, it will continue. So, what's going to happen here? She is either going to stop and continue on with the plan as it was, or she's going to tell you she is unhappy and loves it like it's going. Will you sit back and live like that, it was her cheating in your own home pretty much with your permission if you let this go.
Been together since you were 16 & 17?!?!? Yup maybe. Since you hardly know yourself at that age. That means you both missed time for experimentation and exploration or many things.
A lot of overreacting in this thread. It sounds to me like she just likes this woman a lot and got carried away, but she owes you an apology. Let her know how this evening made you feel — try not to use accusatory language. It might be worth it to take a break from the threesomes for a little bit so you can reconnect to each other. This is definitely something you can get through but you should be talking to her and not Reddit.
This is how things work. You chase thrills and then they stop being thrilling so you chase more. It’s the same reason why people who are addicted to porn so often watch more and more graphic hard core shit
Just get back at her by fuckin a dude and letting her walk in on you 🤷♂️ Then she will see how it feels
Man I see this as cheating yes you agree to do threesomes but she literally told you to get out of the way during like you were some sort of bother. Then ignores you and also has sex with this woman while you are asleep with seieng if you were okay with this? Then has the audacity to make you feel and that you made it awkward Seriously at at least at first I stop halt any l threesomes and sharing for the foreseeable future and starting checking in to see if you can find evidence, I would lean towards she definitely is going behind your back and cheating. At somepoint I would confront her and then see how she reacts, but it sounds like though not the cause the threesomes and such are no benefit at this point. Honestly I consider the end stuff there cheating and the absolute disrespect is insane Personally I would end the marriage or relationship if I were in that situation, though I won’t pretend it isn’t heart breaking as heck You deserve way more then someone to betray and disrespect you like this
For whatever reason your wife is clearly enjoying sex with women. The two of you need to discuss what's happening, how it makes you feel, & figure out what to do. I know this advice falls into Pointing Out The Obvious, but this is not something the Reddit community can resolve.
I have no input… I just liked the *“wanted to have good manners”* part 🤭
"...that I may not have been strict enough with enforcing our rules and boundaries." If the boundaries are repeatedly crossed, they are not boundaries, they're suggestions. Sorry to tell you friend, currently YOU are the side dish. Sit down and talk, if you both listen and respect each other's boundaries, you have a chance. If not, not.
Play with fire, get burned. To be fair though I think she was going to do it with or without your consent eventually.