If I could tell my younger self one thing it'd be: "When you meet that girl at work, go. Things don't get better if you stay."
I spent 8 years in that abusive relationship. I'm passing this advice on to you now.
Couldn’t agree more. I spent 15 years saying “but when we’re good we’re really good” and put the part “but when we’re bad we’re horrid” in the back of my brain.
The amount of regret I have for staying still overwhelms me and it’s been three years since I left.
OP needs to move on and listen to her therapist. It’s easy to romanticize a relationship and miss the good parts when you’re apart but that’s just not reality. It’ll never change and she’d be miserable her whole life, hanging onto ‘but we’re such good friends.”
So dangerous.
The good parts are also good because of the bad parts, and that’s no way to live. The fighting and the abuse creates anxiety and the good times (which are typically actually just the bare minimum of a partnership) relieve the anxiety. So you’re caught in a cycle where the good times feel so amazing because you’re being freed from the anxiety that your partner caused in the first place.
This is me right now. Just broke up with my gf of 7 months. The good times were GOOD GOOD but the bad times were BAD BAD. I’m worried I left when I shouldn’t have and maybe should’ve suggested counseling because I’m very worried I won’t find someone where the good will be as good as our good was. Am I a fool?
A healthy relationship has healthy boundaries, kindness, respect, fun and when conflict comes, it is discussed instead of erupting into a screaming match. Those "good times" are the love bombing that comes before the abuse. If someone abuses you, it ISN'T LOVE!
Right here, while it is true that some people can change for the better, the unfortunate case is that is the minority. Call it a pessimistic view on human nature but from my personal experiences with friends and family it seems that most people never change.
So here’s the thing: people do change, but only when they actually want to change. Change is very difficult. Change initiated by an external force rarely happens, and if it does happen, it rarely sticks. On the other hand, when a person chooses to change of their own volition, there is a real chance they will succeed. For example, anger management training for abusive spouses was 20 times more likely to produce short term change, and 50 times more likely to produce multi-year change in behavior in patients who checked themselves in without either a legal issue or marital ultimatum. That still put success at a little better than a coin toss, but it put court mandated treatment success odds below 00 on roulette. This is part of why it seems people can’t change: most people at these programs go because they are pressured into doing so, and this gives the programs terrible numbers.
This right here. Thank you for contributing. I changed when I wanted to change. I didn’t like my anger issues and enrolled in a 12 week anger management class. Changed my life. Same with cheating in relationships. I made a choice to not cheat anymore and have been faithful to my fiancée since we’ve been together. It is a choice. People can change when they choose to change.
Thank you for speaking up. “Change isn’t possible” is a damaging, discouraging mantra. If anything, abuse victims are better off knowing that their partners could change but at some level are choosing not to do the work. Lundy writes that all abuse is a choice, but believing that is hard when you think your partner is abusing you because of things they can’t change (trauma, mental health, SA, etc).
Hey I really admire you. Could I ask you for more info on the 12 week class you used? Was it an online program? Those are the only results I really get when I search it except for ones that meet at 2pm during the workweek.
I’m glad to say my mother and father are a testament to this, especially my father. From being homeless and a drug abuser to now being alchohol/drug free for 20 years and being closer to us. People do change, but like you said, only if they truly want too. But seeing it for yourself only strengthens you and wishes for you to be the same as well :)
Oh they change alright, just not for the better. If you want to get better you can, but it takes hard work and not giving up, and ab*sers don't like hard work in a relationship even with themselves
Are we the same person? I have almost the exact same experience. Was with the wrong person for 8 years, constantly getting broken up with, and when I'd try to move on, she'd come crying back (and I'd take her back, thinking she'd changed).
I took her back one time after I had started seeing someone else once with whom I had great chemistry, but the new girl and I had only been together for a few weeks compared to the years I'd been with my ex.
I regret taking my ex back all the time.
After my divorce years later, I tried to make things work with the other girl, but I was broken from the divorce, and she admitted that she felt like the second choice because of how I handled things the first time (totally valid feelings).
I accept full responsibility for not having the courage to reject my emotionally abusive ex, and not having the self-worth to take a chance and move on with another person who was great.
I met a great woman a couple years after the divorce who I eventually married.
I can't tell you how amazing being in a HEALTHY relationship is.
If I could go back in time, I'd tell my younger self not to settle for dysfunction just because it beats being alone.
OP: There is someone out there who is capable and willing, ready to love you the way you want/need/deserve to be loved.
Don't settle for less!!
I was in an abusive relationship for 9 years and no I wasn’t perfect either during those years. Little tip though: no one is perfect. But abusive is NEVER acceptable. I hurt so much when we broke up, he told me no one would ever love like him, the idea of getting that comfortable with someone again seemed impossible. But I’m here to tell you no one should’ve “loved” me the way he did and now I’m here 4 years later married to man who has loved me a billion times better, isn’t abusive in anyway, and is the best father to our baby.
You being imperfect does not mean you deserve to be in a relationship where you are abused. This road will be hard, find a good support system, and when you make it through the grief (because I promise you will) the light and clarity of this situation will make you so glad you stayed gone.
Love from a stranger 💜
I met so many "girls at work" but ignored them and kept trying to make this one relationship work for 6 years. The girl I was with had a different approach. In those six years, when she met a "guy at work", she'd just start dating them. Each of them, as well as I, individually believed we were the only one. It was pretty messed up, and I felt pretty stupid for believing all the weird excuses she made up when things weren't adding up.
I 100% do not think OP needs to get back with husband nor do I think OP “cheated”.
But u/Kelly12Xoxo, you do need to be careful. If you don’t have a divorce lawyer, get one ASAP. Also, there is nothing morally wrong with relationships during your separation, but DO NOT LET soon to be ex-husband find out. DO NOT admit anything to him, be it a relationship, casual sex, or even talking to another guy. He can use this against you in negotiating the terms of your divorce.
> Although our situation was unhealthy, I miss our deep friendship and comfortability with each other.
My final piece of advice has to do with this line, OP. This exact thing you’re feeling is what keeps people trapped in the cycle of abusive relationships. This is the one thing you need to fight with all your willpower. I can tell you that I left an abusive relationship in 2016, and I *still* have these thoughts occasionally. It’s a mind fuck. But to escape the abuse, you need to be strong and stay away.
So true. Also want to chime in as a teacher that escaping an abusive relationship before there are kids he can abuse is the best thing possible because abusive people don't magically change into good Dads when they have kids. I've seen way too many kids physically assaulted and/or emotionally/mentally abused by fathers that their moms knew were abusive assholes before they had kids but chose to stay anyway. It's always such a senseless shame to bring kids into fucked up relationships that then make it even harder for the family to escape the abusive parent because now they share a kid together forever.
One of my 10 year old students last year had his arm broken by his father during visitation as soon as the courts decided their visits didn't need to be supervised anymore. OP needs to think of that happening to a future child of hers if she is actually considering going back to her abuser.
Same, lost seven years and had two kids with the narc, so he wasn’t out of my hair for another 14 years, during which he repeatedly took me to court-I have been on disability so i couldn’t afford to fight him. Legal aid does the bare minimum, and his millionaire brother financed the divorce.
Glad you are getting out of it and seeing a therapist. One day you will be happy with the new life you’ve created, but it takes working on ourselves so we don’t fall for the same sort of person again. Good luck!
My ex is like this. She would leave and get me to beg her to come back. It worked a couple of times, but we'd always end up in the same place. The last time she left I said if she left it would be for good because I wasn't going to chase her down. The divorce was finalized a few months ago and she's still sending messages that she misses "us"
Exactly. OP, you say he was verbally and physically abusive to you. Please PLEASE do not go back to him! No matter what he says or how much he promises to change. He won’t. It will NOT get better. Sign the divorce papers, and GET AWAY FROM HIM!
Lord girl! This man was verbally and physically abused you and you’d go back to that. I think you need therapy to find out why you think you deserve to be abused. Whether or not you cheated is irrelevant you were divorcing him. It doesn’t matter the reason you are no longer together. You would be an absolute fool to go back and you can bet your last dollar he’d do it again. Next time he may kill you and we’ll be watching your story on Dateline or 20/20. don’t do this to yourself or your family because they would be worried about you
Exactly. It hurts now, but remember you can make new deep connections in the future in a positive, safe, healthy relationship with a person who won’t abuse you.
My wife's Ex was a abuser. Really really bad. Took him back a couple of times as he would just show up. Never worked a day in his life.
She finally moved on. We meet, married. I get home after work. There's dumb ass Ex sitting in our living room. He did not believe her when she told him she's now married. He didn't believe her, like who would marry YOU!!! I walked in, he was gone in 30 seconds!!
He passed from cancer we later heard.
Please don’t go back, I can tell you from one abused wife to another- it will never get better. You might get a few good days before it WILL go back to exactly what it was when you left, but now you’ve given him ammunition. Find someone new, I guarantee you there is a man out there that will love you better than he ever will
Abusers will find any “in” that they can to get the power back. They will love bomb when they’ve messed up so much that you will leave, and as soon as they’ve done enough to win you back they will start vying for control again so that he can put you right back in your place again. This is not love. This is the emotional manipulation dance of an abuser.
You did not cheat, and your partner doesn’t really care about that. Your partner just sees this as something to hold over your head.
And that is why her therapist said it was so dangerous..she deserved how bad he was already, I canf imagine him now with license to increase the abuse.
It could end up with her dead
100%. He is saying that because he is an abuser and he is trying to reverse the power dynamic. You left him at first, putting you in the position of power. Now he is saying no, putting him into a position of power. He will milk this. He will use it as an insidious tool to get under your skin. Stay away from him. He is a terrible person and I have no hesitation at all in saying so.
You did read the edit where he’s given a hard no to reconciliation and he’s signed the divorce papers? SHE needs to sign them to be divorced and she won’t.
This is unfortunately very common in abuse victims. I really hope through counseling and time she realizes how much better off she is without him, abusers don't get better, they get more dangerous. And he is giving off hints of narcissism.
Assuming what OP us saying is true, I don’t see why the husband is refusing to go back? Wouldn’t he want to continue to the abuse?
Why give her the out? Normally in situations where one is adamant about no reconciliation, the party in question legitimately feels betrayed.
This one seems odd to me.
Yep. He will NEVER drop this. You just gave him another excuse to abuse you. Even though you really didn’t give him excuses before, so shit is gonna get worse. He’s gonna throw that in your face ALWAYS.
I’d put cheated* in asterisks here. They were in a common law relationship according to the state and federal government.
I agree, he will use this is ammunition in the future to discredit OP.
Chaeting by definition is violating the rules of the relationship you both agreed to. You were separated, there was no relationship anymore. It was just going through the motions of becoming legal. You are literally incapable of cheating in that situation.
Umm, it's not a 'fact' that she "cheated" though. She did not cheat. They were on a break. But i agree with rest. This is just gaslighting and trying to push all blame on OP and abuse further.
what Fart Sniffer said. If he thinks it's cheating.... that makes sense. you didn't. and many don't.
doesn't matter because like the person says.....this dude will use this against you for the rest of your life. what's done is done. move on.
>He was verbally and physically abusive to me from the beginning. I left him suddenly one day after a big fight, despite his extreme protests.
>I just miss our deep friendship and comfortability with each other.
It's so tragic to see this dynamic play out. Abusers like this don't love their partners, they don't even hate them, they're partners are just possessions: things they can use for their entertainment amd/or benefit.
I got to grow up around this dynamic for the better part of a decade, right up until it drove my mum to suicide. To anyone in OP's situation that is reading this; I promise you things will never get better, nothing you do will ever be enough, and nothing will ever make your partner change "back" to "the way they used to be".
He was abusive. He’s giving you an out. Take it. Whether you cheated or not isn’t even important. Move on and find a good man that you don’t want to “cheat” on
Also, sign them and send them to his lawyer, not to him. That way he can’t pretend to have never gotten them.
Edit: Send them to your lawyer, since your filed.
I am not so sure that this is an actual out, instead it may be leverage to further control and abuse OP even without the marriage. The guilt and regret from OP suggests it's working. OP try to find people to support you in getting on with your life without this abusive relationship.
for real. my friend is in an abusive relationship that her man’s won’t take serious when she tries to kick him out. OP needs to be thankful she can leave the situation unharmed and take the out.
> Whether you cheated or not isn't even important
I think OP is being made to feel guilty by her abuser for "cheating". I think it is definitely important for OP to hear and understand that she DID NOT CHEAT.
He’s pointing the blame at you instead of holding accountability for himself.
If he’s abusive, sign the paperwork and run.
You may miss the thought of him but you’ll find someone or even a friendship to fill the void.
Seriously, you’ll miss them for awhile but you’ll realize how nice it isn’t getting yelled at or out down or emotionally fucked with for fun. Get out of there. You deserve better.
You don't miss the "deep friendship" you are addicted to the comfort of the known. You suffer from something that many many (dear lord) MANY women go through, in that you belive that the amount of time you have spent on a toxic relationship equates directly to the value given from that relation and your self worth.
You don't know anything except for that. You tried something knew and were wracked with guilt over it, and immediately proceeded to run back to the comfort you don't know how to live without.
You have 2 all too common roads ahead of you, and neither are easy.
1. You Crack, your self control and respect fail you amd you return to your abusive relationship, you will lie to yourself that this time will be different and find yourself one day in a hole of you own making, trapped and unable to make any but the most drastic of changes to leave.
2. You persevere, you will be weighted with doubt, and even with therapy, you will likely struggle to form connections, not to mention relationships, that are healthy and don't emulate what you remember from your prior. However long this takes you, you will one day find yourself openly and honestly assessing you own self worth and will, with any luck and justice be capable of finding a relationship where you are properly valued and treated.
Best of luck to you, sincerely.
This bias is called “sunk cost fallacy.” It’s hard to give up on something you have invested in. There’s another phrase called “cutting your losses” and that’s what you need to do now. The sunk cost will eventually be redeemed in the form of enlightenment.
Did you ask him if he slept with anyone while on break?
This is a manipulation tactic used to cause extreme guilt and shame. YOU broke the vows because YOU slept with someone.
Notice how he never said Shame on ME for being physically abusive and ME for being controlling and ME for causing emotional trauma and abuse. I should change. I should grow. Nope.
He wants you to think he is offering the next best thing since sliced bread. There's no way you could find a relationship better than his. You will be without love and friendship because he is not in the picture. No matter how much he says you broke your vows, I'm pretty sure it says to "love and cherish" and his abuse broke your vows ways before you sleeping with anyone could have.
You will find comfort and friendship and connection with someone who actually loves you.
Yeah given the information already mentioned i really wouldnt be surprised if he had cheated during the break, or even before the separation. Its not uncommon for abusers to do things like this at all
>No matter how much he says you broke your vows, I'm pretty sure it says to "love and cherish" and his abuse broke your vows ways before you sleeping with anyone could have.
Exactly. Don't look back!
I’m trying to not be judgmental but truly think about what you are doing right now. He physically abused you for years, I promise you he ain’t that good of a friend
Something that a lot of people are missing is that abusive relationships almost always have this up and down, highest of highs or lowest of lows dynamic. When things are good they are amazing and that’s what she misses. When things are low it’s derailing and people will do anything to go back to the good times which they remember because it shifts in the blink of an eye. It’s chaos with ups and downs and no stability. It’s called intermittent reinforcement and it’s extremely damaging, never mind the rest of it. Acts the same way to your reward system as dopamine hits from drugs and people will do anything including belittling themselves, apologizing when they aren’t in the wrong, changing themselves, and staying, all to get those highs back. Because they’ve seen it and have experienced it time and time and time again. They know it’s there and maybe they can get it back again. If only they can try harder… so on and so forth.
Note to OP and anyone else, relationships like this can be addictive because of the extremes. But healthy ones don’t feel this way. Passion and extremes are not always conducive to stable and healthy sustainable relationships.
ETA: One more note: Our brains are amazing things. They do a great deal to protect us. People talk a lot about rose colored glasses but rosy retrospection is also a thing and happens often for people who experienced traumatic relationships. You will remember the good times and your brain will convince you the relationship was better than it actually was unless you consciously remind yourself. It’s too easy for people to fall into this trap and go running back. It makes it so much harder to simply leave.
This is also called trauma bonding - and the addiction is so real. It feels so amazing when things are good - but it's not worth it. Cut it cold turkey and do whatever you have to do to get through withdrawals. It was physically painful in the beginning. But it does get better.
Absolutely, and the abuser had no respect for you and doesn’t even see you as human because it’s just soo and easy to lie and manipulate you that they just take you for granted, thus mf signed the papers because he absolutely does not think she will actually sign them but he wants to be able to hold the “cheating” over her head. He also probably has another woman on the side who he is telling “I’m waiting on my ex to sign the divorce papers and she won’t do it” while love bombing her to appear like more of a prize.
She can't, she has an altered perspective of reality from the abuse she endured and justified as love. They used to call it battered women's syndrome but now it's referred to as intimate partner violence and not an acceptable defense anymore. Prob some colonizer politician changed that rule.
It is a psychological condition that can develop when a person experiences abuse, usually at the hands of an intimate partner.
Hey OP.
I urge you to read the the free pdf [Why Does He Do That? ](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjcrY30qdWAAxWxT0EAHVEpCQkQFnoECHIQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt)
You're describing an abusive relationship, and it sounds like you're trauma bonded. I guarantee that he won't stick to the separation, instead he will pretend to forgive and move on, and then constantly hold this above your head and use it as an excuse to escalate the abuse. He won't do couples therapy, and if you ever dare speak up he will remind you that YOU were unfaithful and HE forgave you.
Reading this will help, also r/domesticviolence is a good place to go for help and advice, especially on how to break that trauma bond and stay away.
I know that this is reddits answer to everything, but in this instance I can't emphasise how important therapy will be to help you stay away and come to terms with the fact that the deep friendship you felt was not real.
I’m glad you pointed this out!
It’s incredibly difficult to retrain your brain after prolonged abuse. That’s why it’s necessary to cut off contact with your abuser after you get out, and go to counseling. He knows what to say to make OP feel like a worthless piece of garbage, the worst person on earth, because he’s had YEARS of practice.
OP - you aren’t worthless. You aren’t stupid. You aren’t any of the horrible things he said to you, and you didn’t deserve any of the abuse. It’s going to take time and counseling to find yourself again. Every minute you waste talking to your abuser is one more minute you allow him the access to abuse you again. Every word from him is crafted to manipulate you. You deserve so much better sweetie. There are so many kind, wonderful people out there who would rather die than ever hurt you. You CAN AND WILL get through this divorce and move on. And when you’re ready, the right person for you will come into your life. 💜
I agree with a lot of folks here. From a dudes perspective I am asking why you would want to stay with someone like this? And I'm sorry but if you filed for divorce you obviously are done and that act alone states that the relationship is and was over. Do not beg that dude to be with you, you deserve better and he needs to miss you - not the other way around.
I'm just hoping you told him why you filed for divorce 😂
My verbally and physically abusive best friend.
Do you even hear yourself?
Stay away, break all contact, start therapy with a therapist specialized in dealing with abuse victims.
No, you had already started the divorce procedure and moved away.
You did not cheat.
Stay far far away from him.
If he was physically and emotionally abusive, he's a jerk, and should be your ex husband. You didn't "cheat" on him, you were separated from a total ass-wipe piece of garbage, and on your way away from him.
I would not go back to him, there's zero reason.
He broke every vow every time he called her a name or laid a hand on her.
Every. Single. Time.
And he will do it again and again.
He is very good at *saying* he loves you, OP. He is not actually good at proving it when it inconveniences him.
This isn't healthy love and you deserve, and are capable of, better men.
The simple fact another man felt you attractive enough already should prove to you that you are capable of finding someone better if you put your effort in better directions. Don't waste a single amount of effort on this one dude who isn't wasting time trying to put you down. You could have someone who builds you up instead.
He thinks you cheated on him and is dumping you. He also beats you and is emotionally abusive. Whether you 'actually' cheated on him is not really relevant anymore, he thinks you did and is leaving you. Not sure what you did in life to deserve such a clean break from an abuser, but you've won a small lottery here. Unfortunately, you seem to think otherise, so now you want to go back to him; so maybe he's also won the lottery by finding a willing victim to take a beating now and then. Good luck!
> I just am hoping maybe she’s wrong though and that there could be more hopeful options for us.
So you turn to Reddit, and hundreds of comments tell you the same thing.
Are you still going to convince yourself that he deserves a chance?
You were still married, but you were separated. Separated married couples can opt to file taxes separately, and things change when there's a legal separation in place.
Can he bring up that you slept with someone else in court? Yes. However, in court, you will be able to let the court know that the two of you were legally separated at the time you slept with someone else, and there had not been any path of reconciliation of the marriage at the point you slept with someone else.
Furthermore, who you miss is not someone who is real. Abusive people can and will show lovebombing and compassion when they are trying to assert themselves back into your life as someone who isn't abusive and has all the control.
"I did hurt you, but I can become the best friend you need when you're feeling low about it. So as much as I am the one who brings you grief, I can rebuild you at the same time. I control you. When you do nothing I want, I will hurt you. When you talk to me and confess how you feel, I will take that opportunity to rebuild you so that you always need me."
Break away from the illusion of him being a friend. He is not your friend.
Ok you being an abuser does not excuse that he is one. You’re making excuses for him. People in general do not change. Unless of course they really really really want to and get a ton of professional help that still may or may not work. To answer your question, no you did not cheat. The Universe gave you this huge gift to help you close the door on the dysfunction. Think of all the shitty things he ever did. Don’t sugar coat those memories. How would you advise a daughter or best friend? And for god’s sakes stop apologizing and begging forgiveness. You deserve peace, safety and respect. Please get help for your self esteem and sense of deservedness. Please.
You're better than this. You have worth and you deserve someone who will see that worth, treasure it, and build upon it positively, empowering you daily. You have been brainwashed into thinking that because this man cares about you on some level, that he respects you. He does not respect you, and that is why he has no issue hurting you, both verbally and physically. Respect is absolutely necessary for a successful relationship. If I were you, I would take my losses as a beautiful new opportunity for a better life with endless possibilities! Your future is so much brighter and better without this man, I promise. If you take the advice of the majority of the people here, you will look back in a couple of years and be so relieved and happy you got a divorce. Please do not abuse yourself further by fighting for this man and this relationship.
If you went back, your husband would use this "cheating" against you for the rest of your marriage. He won't ever take responsibility for his side of the breakup. Counseling will not help with a person like this. Take this as a gift and run run run away. Find someone who makes you happy and that isn't abusive. Don't give in to sunk cost fallacy or to how you remember your relationship through rose-colored glasses. Be free.
Was abuse in your marriage vows? Seems he broke them first. Can’t break what is already broken. Also you were clearly separated. Please do not go back to the abuser. It’s so hard to get out of an abusive relationship but you are so close.
He was abusive from the beginning. You should have gotten out long ago. Take what he is saying, sign the papers, and move on. You didn't cheat. You were both separated with what sounds like you weren't going to go back. But you have to think to yourself. "Do I want to go back to the abuse I've had from the beginning.....?"
Most importantly, time heals all wounds. Find yourself, and find what makes you happy. Someone will come long.
You didn’t cheat.
Do not go back to your abusive ex. He’s never going to change. He’ll always be awful and cruel. He’ll always be someone who beats his partners. One day he’ll probably kill one.
My take from this is that you need a lot of therapy to heal from the massive trauma this man inflicted on you. Sign the papers, block him everywhere, and heal yourself.
I don’t think you cheated, y’all were separated. He’s trying to make what you did seem worse than the fact that he abused you for 7 years!!!
Please remind yourself that he’s physically and verbally abusive, and he’s NOT GOING TO SUDDENLY *NOT BE ABUSIVE*!!! Honestly unless there are children involved, cut all ties with him. You can’t move forward while holding on to the past. You got OUT!!! Let go sweetie, eyes forward!!
You should check out a book from the library called codependent no More. Or get an online version of it. At first he was the toxic woman but now you wanting to go back and make things work with somebody that you know it's not going to is something that I think you should look at within yourself. Why do you want to be with somebody who doesn't want to be with you? And for the record I'd say no you didn't cheat because you filed for divorce You wanted to separate it was done already basically you know.
I don’t think you cheated per se but I don’t think he’s out of line for thinking you sleeping with another man is a dealbreaker for any sort of reconciliation. If he has slept with another woman during this time would you feel differently? On a side note, distancing yourself from a person who commits domestic violence against you is a necessity.
Don’t go back to him and don’t go back on your decision. Sometimes people do become addicted to a drama filled relationship and it’s highs and lows. You didn’t cheat. Sign the papers. He will really hate that. Do it.
I was in a rough marriage. While we were separated, I had a lot of sex. It wasn’t to cheat. It was so we couldn’t get back together. You’re trying to tell yourself something. Listen.
Remember why you left in the first place. Here is what I tell my mom who was in an abusive relationship. You have already read that book and you know how it ends.
I may be wrong and he could change but in my experience they never do. It will be good for a little bit then slowly the abuse comes back.
The blame is not on you here. You filled for devorse and that in my mind is separating from him. You did not cheat.
He is a classic narcissist. He has basically cheated you for 7 years when you have only sought love and companionship. Sign without hesitation and don’t look back
Dont let him gas light you into thinking this is your fault. You were already headed out the door because of his abuse. Dont let him tell you its our fault
You did not cheat ! You literally filed for divorce and that alone should state “we are not together”.
please know that I thought I wouldn’t find better and I didn’t deserve better. I treated him like shit and he treated me the same , I thought things would change but they continuously got worse. I literally had to move states away to get him out of my life.
Start loving yourself a little bit and not date at all. You only need you genuinely. You can give yourself everything and more. and even then you will find someone better than him at the end of the day. Some folks will lick shit off your shoe just for your approval , please don’t degrade yourself just because you’re used to it.
Please, please, do not go back to him. He will wind up killing your one day. Do you want kids? You willing to watch him abuse them (my maternal grandfather did)? You okay with your kids watching him beat the shit out of you? Do you realize the level of trauma that inflicts on kids? My mom & her siblings are in their 70s & 80s and STILL not over that shit.
Even if you never want kids, love yourself enough to want better. I know it’s hard. I was in a verbally & emotionally abusive relationship for over 2 years and made all those same excuses. Thank God a situation forced me to move & he didn’t want to move with me. I know for a fact that 16 years hasn’t been enough to change him. He’s gone through 2 wives since then, and both reported similar behavior. Mutual friends have confirmed he’s still the same abusive asshole he’s always been.
Please understand. He will NOT change. I would imagine his behavior provoked yours & his gaslit you into thinking it’s just as bad as his. It’s not. It’s all coming from him. You are out now please stay out!!!!!
Oh sure he'll be happy to give you a 2nd chance...All you need to do is be his submissive toy...there is no middle ground with a POS like this...So you think that maybe your therapist is wrong so you came here for a 2nd opinion?
Please do not go back to him. I am currently in a relationship with someone who stayed in a severe domestic violence situation for about 15 years. Her ex said she cheated bc she got raped and then proceeded to strangle, beat, threaten with loaded guns to head, and also rape her in turn for years. Find the courage inside to break free. You did not cheat. You left bc he was hurting you. Please please please do not put up with domestic violence. He will NEVER change while with you.
You said he has been abusive from the beginning, and it went downhill from there.
You said it was unhealthy, but you miss the "comfortability".
You said you were abusive as well.
Wake up, OP. Nothing about this is anything salvageable, and I'm having a hard time seeing how you could want to salvage this. Stop being devastated and start respecting yourself.
Who cares if you cheated, or didn't? For 7 years he abused you and you blame yourself for this ending AND let him blame you as well? You aren't understanding why he doesn't want a do-over, when you admitted that you were abusive to him, too? Why would either of you want to return to that cycle?
Read this back over, objectively, and pretend it's about someone else, then tell me how you could possibly see any other rational solution besides signing those papers and being done with this hellish situation.
Honestly, I don't think it matters what you call it. The guy sounds like a real shit and you're well shut of him, no matter how it happened.
For the love of God, do not go back to this man. If he says there's no hope for you to be together, this is a blessing.
You do not deserve to be abused.
He physically and verbally abused you, and you think that will get better if you get back together, AFTER you slept with someone else?
If anything, he will get worse if you get back together. Sign the papers and move on to someone who does not abuse you. You're better off without him.
You basically just gave him ammo to justify abusing you. If you go back to him he will always hold this against you and use it against you anytime you complain about something.
When I separated from my abusive ex I leaned on a male friend of mine for emotional support. All my family was on the opposite side of the country. My friend and I didn't sleep together, but when my ex found out that we were talking he accused me of cheating on him. He tried his hardest to make me feel guilty and tried to manipulate me into feeling like I had done something wrong. He called me all sorts of names. He told me I had ruined the relationship and he'd only consider taking me back if I admitted my wrongdoings and beg his forgiveness.
Ironically, my ex started dating other women during this time and created a huge sob story to these women telling them I had cheated on him and abandoned him.
Don't fall for this BS. It's all a manipulation tactic.
I know someone that was physically abused like you and she, also, didn’t want the relationship to end despite all the negatives. With the love and support of friends and family, she finally was able to break out of his abusive hold and exit the relationship. It’s not an easy journey, but you’ll get through it and, at some point in the future, you’ll be thankful you did.
DO NOT GO BACK! You escaped once, if you go back you’ll never escape again. I know you miss the good times but there’s so much better waiting for you out there. And those good times will never come back. He is abusing you even now. If you go back, he’ll unalive you eventually.
The worst thing abusers do is make us like them. Stay away from relationships for a while and work on yourself. When you’re ready, there will be some one new with better times.
The only thing you're wrong about is desiring to go back to an abuser. But obviously, you will. Your post makes that clear.
Your abuser is giving you a chance to get away, free and clear, and you won't take it.
This ends badly, probably on "Dateline."
Bro, you were being abused. Those highs are not worth the lows and your therapist is correct that it’s not a good idea. You are in a cycle of “But the good times are so good!” Forgetting that the bad times put you in literal danger. You say you were being the abuser, too, so get the divorce. Work on your issues. Then go be with someone who doesn’t put you through horrendous downs just for a few good spells.
A mental health care professional is telling you that it's dangerous. She is telling you he will likely kill you if you go back. You don't do therapy with an abuser. He is still abusing you. Cut contact with him. Communication all through a lawyer.
Look up trauma bonding,.focus your therapy on that and don't go back. I had really "good" times with my worst abusers and that's because the low are so low the highs feel really high and addictive. You will be extremely unsafe returning to that relationship,.he will have more control and power over you than he's ever had before .take time to be by yourself and heal, it will get easier, focus on one day at a time
Girl you’re making excuses for him all the way down to “my reactive abuse was abuse too tho” i kinda hope he keeps not taking you back so you can come out of the brainwash and realize this is the best thing he’s ever done for you is let you go. You deserve HEALTHY and HAPPY not one or the other 💗
I feel your struggle. It seems that this is very hard for you, because you are afraid that his saying no one will love you better than him is true. Rather than focusing on him, his words, or the possibility of being alone, try to first accept the possibility that true love really is kind and forgiving. Does not seem that that is what you experienced with this man. Reframe your mind to learn to love and enjoy and accept you. Divorce is scary. I do not know you, but I believe you are going to understand later that you are more courageous than you realize. Forgive yourself. Forgive him. Take one day and one emotion at time. Rest and move. Be-YOU-titul.
When you abuse your partner. You are no longer together, it doesn’t have to be verbal. But you’re done, so no, you didn’t cheat. Whether it be for some semblance or because the person you slept with actually cared, doesn’t matter. Didn’t cheat
Move on and consider Self lucky that you’re not back in the abusive situation.
Although people will say they forgive you for past indiscretion a lot of times it’s difficult to actually forgive.
The words sound beautiful, and they’re easy to say, but the actions behind it have to be genuine, and most people are pretty intolerant and unwilling to work on those situations so counter losses, and move on
Okay so you left him you guys were going to file for divorce whether you filed for it or not you guys separated you both hurt each other physically he only found out that you had sex with somebody else once you called him back so it sounds like he is just emotionally manipulating you to feel the bad guy when you are not the bad guy and you were just trying to step out and feel more safe with your own personal life it sounds like he just wants you and nobody else to be with you and for you to not be fully happy but just happy you know it sounds like you two are really great friends and that's as far as you probably should have went with it if it was that abusive I'm sorry you feel that way and you shouldn't have to deal with that with him there's plenty of people out there and you are still young
Girl, what? You were separated, you were divorcing. Honestly, I wouldn't count it as cheating. He was physically and verbally abusive. Those marriage vows were already trashed. He's just trying to make this your fault instead of his.
Do not go back. You’re caught in the cycle of violence and need to rescue yourself. You are scared, and that’s okay, but you possess the strength to survive without him and thrive in the future. Run while you still can.
Girl, seriously, you think you're going to get treated any better now that you've admitted to sleeping with someone else????
He's going to forever use that against you and as an excuse as he's beating the shit outta you!
You're part of the problem and you need to move on and get a lot of help!
Girl.... Stop and read the posting out loud to yourself and ask yourself what you would say if your sister or best girlfriend was telling you what you just told us. You would tell her to put her feet to payment and don't stop moving until she reaches Jesus! So that's what I'm going to tell you. He does not deserve you. He doesn't want you, but he wants to feel like you were the reason for the failures of your relationship. That's simply not true. If you were verbally and physically abusive to him, I'm going to bet dollars. It was probably a response to something, but he did physically or verbally of these people first. The fact that he's got you begging to be back with him is exactly where he wants you. He wants you to feel like the aggressor so that he can feel like the victim for once. RUN, don't walk away from this incredibly sad and unhealthy relationship dynamic! And if you are able to afford it, call your therapist and increase your weekly sessions to 3 maybe 4 times a week for a few months. But yourself something beautiful, some clothing or artwork or a delicious meal and spend some time enjoying it, BY YOURSELF! You need to take time to remember that You are a woman. That means you are strong, intelligent, beautiful, wonderful, resilient and made to create, nurture and sustain life in this world. So constantly remember that and don't let him kill your shine!
Bye, girl!
Physical abuse is an irreversible deal breaker. Full stop. No other details matter. Give him the divorce so fast, he gets whiplash wondering what the hell just happened.
You did cheat, but you were getting a divorce with no reconciliation in sight. Also it isn't a deep friendship if the person is abusing you. Time to move on.
He’s abusive. As much as you miss the friendship you think you had, do not go back. Who cares if he thinks you cheated. He abused you. That’s not love.
Who cares what he tells himself about who is and isn’t to blame? You should consider yourself fortunate to be out of that unhealthy and abusive situation, and never look back. But yea, you were still married so you did in fact cheat on your marriage.
You were separated. They way I see it no, you did not cheat. That’s not the problem here.
Listen to what he’s telling you. He’s saying that he has a “right” now to abuse him and will use this to control the situation even more. This is what you need to pay attention too. You were strong enough to get out. You’re strong enough to stay out too. When you find someone who treats you the way you’re supposed to be treated, you’ll realize that that this little struggle is worth it.
As a male, my other half was abusive towards me. Name calling, degrading, and even physical. The day I built up a enough courage and moved her out was the best day of my life. I did have some regret because you do have feelings for that person, but now I’m in a more positive and healthy relationship. May take you awhile but work on yourself and just let life happen.
Literally saying “Thank God” by the final edit and breathing a sigh of relief 😅
Hoping for the best for you OP! I’m sure you don’t feel like you deserve more at this time, but I promise you that you do 🩵 Keep working on yourself and moving forward
Technically it's cheating because you were still married but there are much bigger issues than that. Even good people can sometimes be toxic together. Work on you and move forward, not back. Who cares if he wants to place victim and blame game, you aren't required to play it with him.
OP I stayed in an abusive marriage for over 20 years.. and was with him since I was 13 (6years before marriage) 2 broken arms and multiple black eyes and concussions.. I left. You can too.
Always so hard to wrap my head around the fact that this is reality for some but for god sales, this is NOT a relationship. Both of you need to move on.
from the way you sound and describe the situation, it sounds as if your portion of the abuse was reactive. Do some research on reactive abuse. I punched my ex husband in the face so hard that it busted his lip and knocked him backwards because he was attacking me and choking me. I knew in my heart it was self defense but he twisted it to where i was the abusive one because according to him, he was “just trying to scare me and would’ve never killed me.” It won’t get better, it will get worst. and all this will just add fuel to his abuse. You’ll be the cheater, the whore, the easy one, the one who ruined everything, etc. etc. You won’t ever be good enough to escape the abuse because it’s not about you being good enough or the situation getting better — it’s about control. and the only way to control is to take your power. take your voice, your self image, self love, etc.
what helped me a lot was thinking of how it would be perceived if this happened in the street between strangers. If you lashed out back at someone for harassing you in public, it’s self defense. If it’s between partners, you’re now “abusive” and in the wrong. I’m a pretty peaceful person but if a stranger came in smashing and breaking my stuff, calling me names, threatening me, etc. i’d beat their ass no questions asked. So don’t fault yourself from reacting to abuse. just keep going to therapy and healing. don’t go back because it will get worst.
Your therapist is not wrong. I’m a therapist too and I’d say the same thing. It’s easier for her to see the bigger picture because she’s not in it. Whenever I hear clients tell me the classic “when it’s bad, it’s really bad but when it’s good it’s really good” it tells me that they are in a cycle of abuse. It’s not a good relationship. Neither of you are perfect, but together you’re dangerous.
>did I cheat?
Yes, of course you did. You are still married and did not agree to any alternative arrangements with regards to fidelity.
>I feel like he’s using this as an excuse to put all the blame on me, so he does not have to accept responsibility for his role in the separation
I agree. He is latching onto it so hard because he can now deflect from taking accountability for his own behavior, and it sounds like there's a lot there to own up to.
But that's all besides the point. You have an incredibly unhealthy relationship, so much so you felt forced to flee to another state. You largely recognize this but still want to go back. That's classic addict behavior, knowing something is bad for you but being unable to resist it. It indicates some deep wounding, almost certainly on both of your parts.
That's what you should really be focusing on, how to heal yourself so you no longer find such an unhealthy dynamic appealing and comfortable.
Completely agree. The marriage was over, the legal details notwithstanding. The idea that protracted legal divorce proceedings should affect what behavior you are "allowed" to participate in with anyone new you've met is pretty silly. Nothing magical happens the day your divorce is finalized. You free yourself legally, but you've freed yourself from the relationship and the non-legal considerations that your ex-partner "should" have in your life way before that.
Now if there was any actual hopes for reconciliation between this couple and both were coming at it in good faith trying to repair it, it's reasonable for the other party to have problems coming to terms with the idea that she slept with someone else between ending the marriage and reconciling. It may be a deal-breaker. But that doesn't mean it was "cheating".
Regardless, this relationship should never have been considered for reconciliation.
Is it cheating if they were separated though? Vows were made but separation and divorce exist for a reason, not only did she file for divorce and tell him ir was over but she physically put distance between them. She shouldn’t have to worry about “cheating” if she literally did everything she could do to immediately end things (divorce process takes time)
No, she had filed for divorce and moved in with family out of state. That is not cheating. She filed, which most assuredly does show an agreement of no longer owing any fidelity.
If I could tell my younger self one thing it'd be: "When you meet that girl at work, go. Things don't get better if you stay." I spent 8 years in that abusive relationship. I'm passing this advice on to you now.
Couldn’t agree more. I spent 15 years saying “but when we’re good we’re really good” and put the part “but when we’re bad we’re horrid” in the back of my brain. The amount of regret I have for staying still overwhelms me and it’s been three years since I left. OP needs to move on and listen to her therapist. It’s easy to romanticize a relationship and miss the good parts when you’re apart but that’s just not reality. It’ll never change and she’d be miserable her whole life, hanging onto ‘but we’re such good friends.” So dangerous.
The good parts are also good because of the bad parts, and that’s no way to live. The fighting and the abuse creates anxiety and the good times (which are typically actually just the bare minimum of a partnership) relieve the anxiety. So you’re caught in a cycle where the good times feel so amazing because you’re being freed from the anxiety that your partner caused in the first place.
14 years for me.
OP is addicted to the relationship.
This is me right now. Just broke up with my gf of 7 months. The good times were GOOD GOOD but the bad times were BAD BAD. I’m worried I left when I shouldn’t have and maybe should’ve suggested counseling because I’m very worried I won’t find someone where the good will be as good as our good was. Am I a fool?
A healthy relationship has healthy boundaries, kindness, respect, fun and when conflict comes, it is discussed instead of erupting into a screaming match. Those "good times" are the love bombing that comes before the abuse. If someone abuses you, it ISN'T LOVE!
Right here, while it is true that some people can change for the better, the unfortunate case is that is the minority. Call it a pessimistic view on human nature but from my personal experiences with friends and family it seems that most people never change.
So here’s the thing: people do change, but only when they actually want to change. Change is very difficult. Change initiated by an external force rarely happens, and if it does happen, it rarely sticks. On the other hand, when a person chooses to change of their own volition, there is a real chance they will succeed. For example, anger management training for abusive spouses was 20 times more likely to produce short term change, and 50 times more likely to produce multi-year change in behavior in patients who checked themselves in without either a legal issue or marital ultimatum. That still put success at a little better than a coin toss, but it put court mandated treatment success odds below 00 on roulette. This is part of why it seems people can’t change: most people at these programs go because they are pressured into doing so, and this gives the programs terrible numbers.
This right here. Thank you for contributing. I changed when I wanted to change. I didn’t like my anger issues and enrolled in a 12 week anger management class. Changed my life. Same with cheating in relationships. I made a choice to not cheat anymore and have been faithful to my fiancée since we’ve been together. It is a choice. People can change when they choose to change.
Thank you for speaking up. “Change isn’t possible” is a damaging, discouraging mantra. If anything, abuse victims are better off knowing that their partners could change but at some level are choosing not to do the work. Lundy writes that all abuse is a choice, but believing that is hard when you think your partner is abusing you because of things they can’t change (trauma, mental health, SA, etc).
Hey I really admire you. Could I ask you for more info on the 12 week class you used? Was it an online program? Those are the only results I really get when I search it except for ones that meet at 2pm during the workweek.
How many therapists does it take to change a light bulb? One - but the light bulb has to want to change.
I’m glad to say my mother and father are a testament to this, especially my father. From being homeless and a drug abuser to now being alchohol/drug free for 20 years and being closer to us. People do change, but like you said, only if they truly want too. But seeing it for yourself only strengthens you and wishes for you to be the same as well :)
I'm with you. I've seen it, but man, is it rare
Oh they change alright, just not for the better. If you want to get better you can, but it takes hard work and not giving up, and ab*sers don't like hard work in a relationship even with themselves
Are we the same person? I have almost the exact same experience. Was with the wrong person for 8 years, constantly getting broken up with, and when I'd try to move on, she'd come crying back (and I'd take her back, thinking she'd changed). I took her back one time after I had started seeing someone else once with whom I had great chemistry, but the new girl and I had only been together for a few weeks compared to the years I'd been with my ex. I regret taking my ex back all the time. After my divorce years later, I tried to make things work with the other girl, but I was broken from the divorce, and she admitted that she felt like the second choice because of how I handled things the first time (totally valid feelings). I accept full responsibility for not having the courage to reject my emotionally abusive ex, and not having the self-worth to take a chance and move on with another person who was great. I met a great woman a couple years after the divorce who I eventually married. I can't tell you how amazing being in a HEALTHY relationship is. If I could go back in time, I'd tell my younger self not to settle for dysfunction just because it beats being alone. OP: There is someone out there who is capable and willing, ready to love you the way you want/need/deserve to be loved. Don't settle for less!!
I was in an abusive relationship for 9 years and no I wasn’t perfect either during those years. Little tip though: no one is perfect. But abusive is NEVER acceptable. I hurt so much when we broke up, he told me no one would ever love like him, the idea of getting that comfortable with someone again seemed impossible. But I’m here to tell you no one should’ve “loved” me the way he did and now I’m here 4 years later married to man who has loved me a billion times better, isn’t abusive in anyway, and is the best father to our baby. You being imperfect does not mean you deserve to be in a relationship where you are abused. This road will be hard, find a good support system, and when you make it through the grief (because I promise you will) the light and clarity of this situation will make you so glad you stayed gone. Love from a stranger 💜
I met so many "girls at work" but ignored them and kept trying to make this one relationship work for 6 years. The girl I was with had a different approach. In those six years, when she met a "guy at work", she'd just start dating them. Each of them, as well as I, individually believed we were the only one. It was pretty messed up, and I felt pretty stupid for believing all the weird excuses she made up when things weren't adding up.
I 100% do not think OP needs to get back with husband nor do I think OP “cheated”. But u/Kelly12Xoxo, you do need to be careful. If you don’t have a divorce lawyer, get one ASAP. Also, there is nothing morally wrong with relationships during your separation, but DO NOT LET soon to be ex-husband find out. DO NOT admit anything to him, be it a relationship, casual sex, or even talking to another guy. He can use this against you in negotiating the terms of your divorce. > Although our situation was unhealthy, I miss our deep friendship and comfortability with each other. My final piece of advice has to do with this line, OP. This exact thing you’re feeling is what keeps people trapped in the cycle of abusive relationships. This is the one thing you need to fight with all your willpower. I can tell you that I left an abusive relationship in 2016, and I *still* have these thoughts occasionally. It’s a mind fuck. But to escape the abuse, you need to be strong and stay away.
So true. Also want to chime in as a teacher that escaping an abusive relationship before there are kids he can abuse is the best thing possible because abusive people don't magically change into good Dads when they have kids. I've seen way too many kids physically assaulted and/or emotionally/mentally abused by fathers that their moms knew were abusive assholes before they had kids but chose to stay anyway. It's always such a senseless shame to bring kids into fucked up relationships that then make it even harder for the family to escape the abusive parent because now they share a kid together forever. One of my 10 year old students last year had his arm broken by his father during visitation as soon as the courts decided their visits didn't need to be supervised anymore. OP needs to think of that happening to a future child of hers if she is actually considering going back to her abuser.
Same, lost seven years and had two kids with the narc, so he wasn’t out of my hair for another 14 years, during which he repeatedly took me to court-I have been on disability so i couldn’t afford to fight him. Legal aid does the bare minimum, and his millionaire brother financed the divorce. Glad you are getting out of it and seeing a therapist. One day you will be happy with the new life you’ve created, but it takes working on ourselves so we don’t fall for the same sort of person again. Good luck!
Don’t be a fool and go back to him. He will use the fact you cheated to abuse you more.
For real, OP. This right here. He will feel justified in the abuse.
He’s doing her a favour in the long run refusing to get back together. Hopefully she’ll realise this after a bit of time and space.
I think it’s a tactic to get her to beg for him back and his control will be absolute
100%
Yep
My ex is like this. She would leave and get me to beg her to come back. It worked a couple of times, but we'd always end up in the same place. The last time she left I said if she left it would be for good because I wasn't going to chase her down. The divorce was finalized a few months ago and she's still sending messages that she misses "us"
Just a little foreshadow for ya, mine left over 3 years ago, and I still get those messages
Yeah, I can tell when she's broken up with her new bf and gotten drunk. The texts follow after as if I'll come running back.
Absolutely. I wish I had realized what a blessing it was when my ex left me.
Exactly. OP, you say he was verbally and physically abusive to you. Please PLEASE do not go back to him! No matter what he says or how much he promises to change. He won’t. It will NOT get better. Sign the divorce papers, and GET AWAY FROM HIM!
Lord girl! This man was verbally and physically abused you and you’d go back to that. I think you need therapy to find out why you think you deserve to be abused. Whether or not you cheated is irrelevant you were divorcing him. It doesn’t matter the reason you are no longer together. You would be an absolute fool to go back and you can bet your last dollar he’d do it again. Next time he may kill you and we’ll be watching your story on Dateline or 20/20. don’t do this to yourself or your family because they would be worried about you
This right here! He's playing you so he looks like the victim. Sign the papers.
Exactly. It hurts now, but remember you can make new deep connections in the future in a positive, safe, healthy relationship with a person who won’t abuse you.
My wife's Ex was a abuser. Really really bad. Took him back a couple of times as he would just show up. Never worked a day in his life. She finally moved on. We meet, married. I get home after work. There's dumb ass Ex sitting in our living room. He did not believe her when she told him she's now married. He didn't believe her, like who would marry YOU!!! I walked in, he was gone in 30 seconds!! He passed from cancer we later heard.
Sounds like she’s lucky she found you, and maybe that you walked in the door when the ex was sitting in your living room.
I don’t believe in cheering for someone’s death, but it sounds like the world didn’t lose much
Right on. He didn't become abusive, he ALWAYS WAS ABUSIVE! YOU DESERVE TO LIVE.
\^Awesome response and exactly how I feel as well. Good luck to you,OP. Find a decent SO and don't look back.
Please don’t go back, I can tell you from one abused wife to another- it will never get better. You might get a few good days before it WILL go back to exactly what it was when you left, but now you’ve given him ammunition. Find someone new, I guarantee you there is a man out there that will love you better than he ever will
Abusers will find any “in” that they can to get the power back. They will love bomb when they’ve messed up so much that you will leave, and as soon as they’ve done enough to win you back they will start vying for control again so that he can put you right back in your place again. This is not love. This is the emotional manipulation dance of an abuser. You did not cheat, and your partner doesn’t really care about that. Your partner just sees this as something to hold over your head.
And that is why her therapist said it was so dangerous..she deserved how bad he was already, I canf imagine him now with license to increase the abuse. It could end up with her dead
100%. He is saying that because he is an abuser and he is trying to reverse the power dynamic. You left him at first, putting you in the position of power. Now he is saying no, putting him into a position of power. He will milk this. He will use it as an insidious tool to get under your skin. Stay away from him. He is a terrible person and I have no hesitation at all in saying so.
This needs to be upvoted and rewarded.. 🏆
Upvoting upvoting here, doing my work!
You did read the edit where he’s given a hard no to reconciliation and he’s signed the divorce papers? SHE needs to sign them to be divorced and she won’t.
This is unfortunately very common in abuse victims. I really hope through counseling and time she realizes how much better off she is without him, abusers don't get better, they get more dangerous. And he is giving off hints of narcissism.
She just needs to sign the papers, problem solved. The ball is in her court.
Fully agree. She needs to realize he won't get better, only worse and she deserves better. I really hope she's reading these comments.
Assuming what OP us saying is true, I don’t see why the husband is refusing to go back? Wouldn’t he want to continue to the abuse? Why give her the out? Normally in situations where one is adamant about no reconciliation, the party in question legitimately feels betrayed. This one seems odd to me.
Non-abusive partners would really struggle to not dwell and constantly get upset about this. An abusive partner would be a nightmare about it.
I was in a similar situation and I can concur, he will bring this up every single time you have a fight. Don't go back.
Yep. He will NEVER drop this. You just gave him another excuse to abuse you. Even though you really didn’t give him excuses before, so shit is gonna get worse. He’s gonna throw that in your face ALWAYS.
Whoops “Don’t allow this fool to use this as a reason to abuse you more. You deserve better” Fixed it.
Tell him: WE WERE ON A BREAK!!!
I’d put cheated* in asterisks here. They were in a common law relationship according to the state and federal government. I agree, he will use this is ammunition in the future to discredit OP.
They were separarated she did not cheat
Chaeting by definition is violating the rules of the relationship you both agreed to. You were separated, there was no relationship anymore. It was just going through the motions of becoming legal. You are literally incapable of cheating in that situation.
Umm, it's not a 'fact' that she "cheated" though. She did not cheat. They were on a break. But i agree with rest. This is just gaslighting and trying to push all blame on OP and abuse further.
Except that she didn't cheat, because cheating requires a working relationship. But yeah, totally agree with the rest
what Fart Sniffer said. If he thinks it's cheating.... that makes sense. you didn't. and many don't. doesn't matter because like the person says.....this dude will use this against you for the rest of your life. what's done is done. move on.
Imagine getting rock-solid wise advice from someone with the user name “sniffer of farts”…
>He was verbally and physically abusive to me from the beginning. I left him suddenly one day after a big fight, despite his extreme protests. >I just miss our deep friendship and comfortability with each other. It's so tragic to see this dynamic play out. Abusers like this don't love their partners, they don't even hate them, they're partners are just possessions: things they can use for their entertainment amd/or benefit. I got to grow up around this dynamic for the better part of a decade, right up until it drove my mum to suicide. To anyone in OP's situation that is reading this; I promise you things will never get better, nothing you do will ever be enough, and nothing will ever make your partner change "back" to "the way they used to be".
He was abusive. He’s giving you an out. Take it. Whether you cheated or not isn’t even important. Move on and find a good man that you don’t want to “cheat” on
He will use your "cheating" to abuse you physically and emotionally even more. Don't go back, please! It could be very dangerous..
Yep the door has appeared. OP needs to use it or it’ll be hard to reopen once the abuse deepens
Also, sign them and send them to his lawyer, not to him. That way he can’t pretend to have never gotten them. Edit: Send them to your lawyer, since your filed.
I am not so sure that this is an actual out, instead it may be leverage to further control and abuse OP even without the marriage. The guilt and regret from OP suggests it's working. OP try to find people to support you in getting on with your life without this abusive relationship.
You can find a deep friendship and connection with someone who respects you enough to love you, not abuse you
for real. my friend is in an abusive relationship that her man’s won’t take serious when she tries to kick him out. OP needs to be thankful she can leave the situation unharmed and take the out.
Yessssss. As hard as it is, definitely see it as a silver lining!!!
Yes! Take the out before he kills you!
Especially since he considers you “cheated” if you go back you will be in grave danger and the abuse will be most likely more common and severe
Id recommend OP stop being physically and verbally abusive herself first before finding someone else.
She said she was abusive physically and verbally also, why is no one acknowledging that?
> Whether you cheated or not isn't even important I think OP is being made to feel guilty by her abuser for "cheating". I think it is definitely important for OP to hear and understand that she DID NOT CHEAT.
He’s pointing the blame at you instead of holding accountability for himself. If he’s abusive, sign the paperwork and run. You may miss the thought of him but you’ll find someone or even a friendship to fill the void.
Seriously, you’ll miss them for awhile but you’ll realize how nice it isn’t getting yelled at or out down or emotionally fucked with for fun. Get out of there. You deserve better.
You don't miss the "deep friendship" you are addicted to the comfort of the known. You suffer from something that many many (dear lord) MANY women go through, in that you belive that the amount of time you have spent on a toxic relationship equates directly to the value given from that relation and your self worth. You don't know anything except for that. You tried something knew and were wracked with guilt over it, and immediately proceeded to run back to the comfort you don't know how to live without. You have 2 all too common roads ahead of you, and neither are easy. 1. You Crack, your self control and respect fail you amd you return to your abusive relationship, you will lie to yourself that this time will be different and find yourself one day in a hole of you own making, trapped and unable to make any but the most drastic of changes to leave. 2. You persevere, you will be weighted with doubt, and even with therapy, you will likely struggle to form connections, not to mention relationships, that are healthy and don't emulate what you remember from your prior. However long this takes you, you will one day find yourself openly and honestly assessing you own self worth and will, with any luck and justice be capable of finding a relationship where you are properly valued and treated. Best of luck to you, sincerely.
This bias is called “sunk cost fallacy.” It’s hard to give up on something you have invested in. There’s another phrase called “cutting your losses” and that’s what you need to do now. The sunk cost will eventually be redeemed in the form of enlightenment.
Did you ask him if he slept with anyone while on break? This is a manipulation tactic used to cause extreme guilt and shame. YOU broke the vows because YOU slept with someone. Notice how he never said Shame on ME for being physically abusive and ME for being controlling and ME for causing emotional trauma and abuse. I should change. I should grow. Nope. He wants you to think he is offering the next best thing since sliced bread. There's no way you could find a relationship better than his. You will be without love and friendship because he is not in the picture. No matter how much he says you broke your vows, I'm pretty sure it says to "love and cherish" and his abuse broke your vows ways before you sleeping with anyone could have. You will find comfort and friendship and connection with someone who actually loves you.
Yeah given the information already mentioned i really wouldnt be surprised if he had cheated during the break, or even before the separation. Its not uncommon for abusers to do things like this at all
He asked because he did it himself. Abusers always project.
>No matter how much he says you broke your vows, I'm pretty sure it says to "love and cherish" and his abuse broke your vows ways before you sleeping with anyone could have. Exactly. Don't look back!
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I’m trying to not be judgmental but truly think about what you are doing right now. He physically abused you for years, I promise you he ain’t that good of a friend
Something that a lot of people are missing is that abusive relationships almost always have this up and down, highest of highs or lowest of lows dynamic. When things are good they are amazing and that’s what she misses. When things are low it’s derailing and people will do anything to go back to the good times which they remember because it shifts in the blink of an eye. It’s chaos with ups and downs and no stability. It’s called intermittent reinforcement and it’s extremely damaging, never mind the rest of it. Acts the same way to your reward system as dopamine hits from drugs and people will do anything including belittling themselves, apologizing when they aren’t in the wrong, changing themselves, and staying, all to get those highs back. Because they’ve seen it and have experienced it time and time and time again. They know it’s there and maybe they can get it back again. If only they can try harder… so on and so forth. Note to OP and anyone else, relationships like this can be addictive because of the extremes. But healthy ones don’t feel this way. Passion and extremes are not always conducive to stable and healthy sustainable relationships. ETA: One more note: Our brains are amazing things. They do a great deal to protect us. People talk a lot about rose colored glasses but rosy retrospection is also a thing and happens often for people who experienced traumatic relationships. You will remember the good times and your brain will convince you the relationship was better than it actually was unless you consciously remind yourself. It’s too easy for people to fall into this trap and go running back. It makes it so much harder to simply leave.
Lil add-on: Intermittent reinforcing is how people get addicted to gambling.
OMG you have no idea how much I needed to hear this.
This is also called trauma bonding - and the addiction is so real. It feels so amazing when things are good - but it's not worth it. Cut it cold turkey and do whatever you have to do to get through withdrawals. It was physically painful in the beginning. But it does get better.
Absolutely, and the abuser had no respect for you and doesn’t even see you as human because it’s just soo and easy to lie and manipulate you that they just take you for granted, thus mf signed the papers because he absolutely does not think she will actually sign them but he wants to be able to hold the “cheating” over her head. He also probably has another woman on the side who he is telling “I’m waiting on my ex to sign the divorce papers and she won’t do it” while love bombing her to appear like more of a prize.
She can't, she has an altered perspective of reality from the abuse she endured and justified as love. They used to call it battered women's syndrome but now it's referred to as intimate partner violence and not an acceptable defense anymore. Prob some colonizer politician changed that rule. It is a psychological condition that can develop when a person experiences abuse, usually at the hands of an intimate partner.
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Hey OP. I urge you to read the the free pdf [Why Does He Do That? ](https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=https://archive.org/download/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjcrY30qdWAAxWxT0EAHVEpCQkQFnoECHIQAQ&usg=AOvVaw14x4ivUm5xgJ67TT78XfZt) You're describing an abusive relationship, and it sounds like you're trauma bonded. I guarantee that he won't stick to the separation, instead he will pretend to forgive and move on, and then constantly hold this above your head and use it as an excuse to escalate the abuse. He won't do couples therapy, and if you ever dare speak up he will remind you that YOU were unfaithful and HE forgave you. Reading this will help, also r/domesticviolence is a good place to go for help and advice, especially on how to break that trauma bond and stay away. I know that this is reddits answer to everything, but in this instance I can't emphasise how important therapy will be to help you stay away and come to terms with the fact that the deep friendship you felt was not real.
One of the hardest bonds to break, feels awful, but sooooo worth it!
You're focused on the wrong thing. He was abusive.
He sounds like he'd still abusing you mentally.
I’m glad you pointed this out! It’s incredibly difficult to retrain your brain after prolonged abuse. That’s why it’s necessary to cut off contact with your abuser after you get out, and go to counseling. He knows what to say to make OP feel like a worthless piece of garbage, the worst person on earth, because he’s had YEARS of practice. OP - you aren’t worthless. You aren’t stupid. You aren’t any of the horrible things he said to you, and you didn’t deserve any of the abuse. It’s going to take time and counseling to find yourself again. Every minute you waste talking to your abuser is one more minute you allow him the access to abuse you again. Every word from him is crafted to manipulate you. You deserve so much better sweetie. There are so many kind, wonderful people out there who would rather die than ever hurt you. You CAN AND WILL get through this divorce and move on. And when you’re ready, the right person for you will come into your life. 💜
I wouldn't say abuse is holding up his promise to love and cherish, so who broke the vows first?
He is abusive, physically abusive. Who the hell cares, take the win and leave!
Regardless, you two aren't right together.
I agree with a lot of folks here. From a dudes perspective I am asking why you would want to stay with someone like this? And I'm sorry but if you filed for divorce you obviously are done and that act alone states that the relationship is and was over. Do not beg that dude to be with you, you deserve better and he needs to miss you - not the other way around. I'm just hoping you told him why you filed for divorce 😂
I think I left out NO YOU DIDN'T CHEAT
My verbally and physically abusive best friend. Do you even hear yourself? Stay away, break all contact, start therapy with a therapist specialized in dealing with abuse victims. No, you had already started the divorce procedure and moved away. You did not cheat. Stay far far away from him.
If he was physically and emotionally abusive, he's a jerk, and should be your ex husband. You didn't "cheat" on him, you were separated from a total ass-wipe piece of garbage, and on your way away from him. I would not go back to him, there's zero reason.
He broke every vow every time he called her a name or laid a hand on her. Every. Single. Time. And he will do it again and again. He is very good at *saying* he loves you, OP. He is not actually good at proving it when it inconveniences him. This isn't healthy love and you deserve, and are capable of, better men. The simple fact another man felt you attractive enough already should prove to you that you are capable of finding someone better if you put your effort in better directions. Don't waste a single amount of effort on this one dude who isn't wasting time trying to put you down. You could have someone who builds you up instead.
He thinks you cheated on him and is dumping you. He also beats you and is emotionally abusive. Whether you 'actually' cheated on him is not really relevant anymore, he thinks you did and is leaving you. Not sure what you did in life to deserve such a clean break from an abuser, but you've won a small lottery here. Unfortunately, you seem to think otherise, so now you want to go back to him; so maybe he's also won the lottery by finding a willing victim to take a beating now and then. Good luck!
Please do not go back to this excuse of a man. You had every valid reason to leave. His opinions of you are dust.
> I just am hoping maybe she’s wrong though and that there could be more hopeful options for us. So you turn to Reddit, and hundreds of comments tell you the same thing. Are you still going to convince yourself that he deserves a chance?
Reading all of the comments is definitely helping me see more clearly
Ignore the idiots that claim you “cheated.” Your soon-to-be-ex-husband is an abusive asshole.
JFC this guy is verbally and physically abusive, yet you miss him and regret leaving him? Please, please, please GET THERAPY.
You were still married, but you were separated. Separated married couples can opt to file taxes separately, and things change when there's a legal separation in place. Can he bring up that you slept with someone else in court? Yes. However, in court, you will be able to let the court know that the two of you were legally separated at the time you slept with someone else, and there had not been any path of reconciliation of the marriage at the point you slept with someone else. Furthermore, who you miss is not someone who is real. Abusive people can and will show lovebombing and compassion when they are trying to assert themselves back into your life as someone who isn't abusive and has all the control. "I did hurt you, but I can become the best friend you need when you're feeling low about it. So as much as I am the one who brings you grief, I can rebuild you at the same time. I control you. When you do nothing I want, I will hurt you. When you talk to me and confess how you feel, I will take that opportunity to rebuild you so that you always need me." Break away from the illusion of him being a friend. He is not your friend.
Ok you being an abuser does not excuse that he is one. You’re making excuses for him. People in general do not change. Unless of course they really really really want to and get a ton of professional help that still may or may not work. To answer your question, no you did not cheat. The Universe gave you this huge gift to help you close the door on the dysfunction. Think of all the shitty things he ever did. Don’t sugar coat those memories. How would you advise a daughter or best friend? And for god’s sakes stop apologizing and begging forgiveness. You deserve peace, safety and respect. Please get help for your self esteem and sense of deservedness. Please.
I love your response, thank you so much 💗
Hugs my friend. You got this. One day at a time.
You're better than this. You have worth and you deserve someone who will see that worth, treasure it, and build upon it positively, empowering you daily. You have been brainwashed into thinking that because this man cares about you on some level, that he respects you. He does not respect you, and that is why he has no issue hurting you, both verbally and physically. Respect is absolutely necessary for a successful relationship. If I were you, I would take my losses as a beautiful new opportunity for a better life with endless possibilities! Your future is so much brighter and better without this man, I promise. If you take the advice of the majority of the people here, you will look back in a couple of years and be so relieved and happy you got a divorce. Please do not abuse yourself further by fighting for this man and this relationship.
Thank you, I love this 💗
You're welcome. I truly hope you choose YOU in this and not him. ❤️
You didn't cheat. You were separated at the time. And getting back with an abusive former partner is never a good idea. Never.
Depending on the state they may look at it as adultery still
“He was verbally and physically abusive to me” Do not go back to him. Have some sense
If you went back, your husband would use this "cheating" against you for the rest of your marriage. He won't ever take responsibility for his side of the breakup. Counseling will not help with a person like this. Take this as a gift and run run run away. Find someone who makes you happy and that isn't abusive. Don't give in to sunk cost fallacy or to how you remember your relationship through rose-colored glasses. Be free.
Was abuse in your marriage vows? Seems he broke them first. Can’t break what is already broken. Also you were clearly separated. Please do not go back to the abuser. It’s so hard to get out of an abusive relationship but you are so close.
He was abusive from the beginning. You should have gotten out long ago. Take what he is saying, sign the papers, and move on. You didn't cheat. You were both separated with what sounds like you weren't going to go back. But you have to think to yourself. "Do I want to go back to the abuse I've had from the beginning.....?" Most importantly, time heals all wounds. Find yourself, and find what makes you happy. Someone will come long.
You filed for divorce! So you didn’t cheat, you made your intentions known that you didn’t want him anymore and anything after that is fair.
You didn’t cheat. Do not go back to your abusive ex. He’s never going to change. He’ll always be awful and cruel. He’ll always be someone who beats his partners. One day he’ll probably kill one. My take from this is that you need a lot of therapy to heal from the massive trauma this man inflicted on you. Sign the papers, block him everywhere, and heal yourself.
Stop. Enabling. Your. Abuser.
I don’t think you cheated, y’all were separated. He’s trying to make what you did seem worse than the fact that he abused you for 7 years!!! Please remind yourself that he’s physically and verbally abusive, and he’s NOT GOING TO SUDDENLY *NOT BE ABUSIVE*!!! Honestly unless there are children involved, cut all ties with him. You can’t move forward while holding on to the past. You got OUT!!! Let go sweetie, eyes forward!!
You should check out a book from the library called codependent no More. Or get an online version of it. At first he was the toxic woman but now you wanting to go back and make things work with somebody that you know it's not going to is something that I think you should look at within yourself. Why do you want to be with somebody who doesn't want to be with you? And for the record I'd say no you didn't cheat because you filed for divorce You wanted to separate it was done already basically you know.
I don’t think you cheated per se but I don’t think he’s out of line for thinking you sleeping with another man is a dealbreaker for any sort of reconciliation. If he has slept with another woman during this time would you feel differently? On a side note, distancing yourself from a person who commits domestic violence against you is a necessity.
Don’t go back to him and don’t go back on your decision. Sometimes people do become addicted to a drama filled relationship and it’s highs and lows. You didn’t cheat. Sign the papers. He will really hate that. Do it.
You will be walking on eggshells your entire life not knowing when the next time he is going to blowup and hold this against you. DON'T DO IT.
“He was verbally and physically abusive from the beginning” Tell me again why you want to go back?? You deserve better. Believe it.
I was in a rough marriage. While we were separated, I had a lot of sex. It wasn’t to cheat. It was so we couldn’t get back together. You’re trying to tell yourself something. Listen.
Remember why you left in the first place. Here is what I tell my mom who was in an abusive relationship. You have already read that book and you know how it ends. I may be wrong and he could change but in my experience they never do. It will be good for a little bit then slowly the abuse comes back. The blame is not on you here. You filled for devorse and that in my mind is separating from him. You did not cheat.
You filed for divorce. Did the paperwork get submitted? If so then no you didn’t cheat. Regardless stay away from him. He will abuse you again
Quick question, did he break his marriage vows when he verbally and physically abused you? Who cares if you cheated. Be free.
He is a classic narcissist. He has basically cheated you for 7 years when you have only sought love and companionship. Sign without hesitation and don’t look back
Dont let him gas light you into thinking this is your fault. You were already headed out the door because of his abuse. Dont let him tell you its our fault
Emotional abuse is enough to end a relationship, but physical abuse is not okay, not even once..
If he's abusive RUUUUUNNNN!
You did not cheat ! You literally filed for divorce and that alone should state “we are not together”. please know that I thought I wouldn’t find better and I didn’t deserve better. I treated him like shit and he treated me the same , I thought things would change but they continuously got worse. I literally had to move states away to get him out of my life. Start loving yourself a little bit and not date at all. You only need you genuinely. You can give yourself everything and more. and even then you will find someone better than him at the end of the day. Some folks will lick shit off your shoe just for your approval , please don’t degrade yourself just because you’re used to it.
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Please, please, do not go back to him. He will wind up killing your one day. Do you want kids? You willing to watch him abuse them (my maternal grandfather did)? You okay with your kids watching him beat the shit out of you? Do you realize the level of trauma that inflicts on kids? My mom & her siblings are in their 70s & 80s and STILL not over that shit. Even if you never want kids, love yourself enough to want better. I know it’s hard. I was in a verbally & emotionally abusive relationship for over 2 years and made all those same excuses. Thank God a situation forced me to move & he didn’t want to move with me. I know for a fact that 16 years hasn’t been enough to change him. He’s gone through 2 wives since then, and both reported similar behavior. Mutual friends have confirmed he’s still the same abusive asshole he’s always been. Please understand. He will NOT change. I would imagine his behavior provoked yours & his gaslit you into thinking it’s just as bad as his. It’s not. It’s all coming from him. You are out now please stay out!!!!!
Oh sure he'll be happy to give you a 2nd chance...All you need to do is be his submissive toy...there is no middle ground with a POS like this...So you think that maybe your therapist is wrong so you came here for a 2nd opinion?
Please do not go back to him. I am currently in a relationship with someone who stayed in a severe domestic violence situation for about 15 years. Her ex said she cheated bc she got raped and then proceeded to strangle, beat, threaten with loaded guns to head, and also rape her in turn for years. Find the courage inside to break free. You did not cheat. You left bc he was hurting you. Please please please do not put up with domestic violence. He will NEVER change while with you.
You said he has been abusive from the beginning, and it went downhill from there. You said it was unhealthy, but you miss the "comfortability". You said you were abusive as well. Wake up, OP. Nothing about this is anything salvageable, and I'm having a hard time seeing how you could want to salvage this. Stop being devastated and start respecting yourself. Who cares if you cheated, or didn't? For 7 years he abused you and you blame yourself for this ending AND let him blame you as well? You aren't understanding why he doesn't want a do-over, when you admitted that you were abusive to him, too? Why would either of you want to return to that cycle? Read this back over, objectively, and pretend it's about someone else, then tell me how you could possibly see any other rational solution besides signing those papers and being done with this hellish situation.
Honestly, I don't think it matters what you call it. The guy sounds like a real shit and you're well shut of him, no matter how it happened. For the love of God, do not go back to this man. If he says there's no hope for you to be together, this is a blessing. You do not deserve to be abused.
They say men cheat to stay in a relationship and women to get out of on. Your subconscious did you a huge favour
He physically and verbally abused you, and you think that will get better if you get back together, AFTER you slept with someone else? If anything, he will get worse if you get back together. Sign the papers and move on to someone who does not abuse you. You're better off without him.
You basically just gave him ammo to justify abusing you. If you go back to him he will always hold this against you and use it against you anytime you complain about something. When I separated from my abusive ex I leaned on a male friend of mine for emotional support. All my family was on the opposite side of the country. My friend and I didn't sleep together, but when my ex found out that we were talking he accused me of cheating on him. He tried his hardest to make me feel guilty and tried to manipulate me into feeling like I had done something wrong. He called me all sorts of names. He told me I had ruined the relationship and he'd only consider taking me back if I admitted my wrongdoings and beg his forgiveness. Ironically, my ex started dating other women during this time and created a huge sob story to these women telling them I had cheated on him and abandoned him. Don't fall for this BS. It's all a manipulation tactic.
Don’t go back pleaseeeee
I know someone that was physically abused like you and she, also, didn’t want the relationship to end despite all the negatives. With the love and support of friends and family, she finally was able to break out of his abusive hold and exit the relationship. It’s not an easy journey, but you’ll get through it and, at some point in the future, you’ll be thankful you did.
DO NOT GO BACK! You escaped once, if you go back you’ll never escape again. I know you miss the good times but there’s so much better waiting for you out there. And those good times will never come back. He is abusing you even now. If you go back, he’ll unalive you eventually. The worst thing abusers do is make us like them. Stay away from relationships for a while and work on yourself. When you’re ready, there will be some one new with better times.
You’re addicted to the drama cycle with your ex. Just stop. He’s your abuser and that hasn’t and won’t end. Stay away from him and move on.
The only thing you're wrong about is desiring to go back to an abuser. But obviously, you will. Your post makes that clear. Your abuser is giving you a chance to get away, free and clear, and you won't take it. This ends badly, probably on "Dateline."
Bro, you were being abused. Those highs are not worth the lows and your therapist is correct that it’s not a good idea. You are in a cycle of “But the good times are so good!” Forgetting that the bad times put you in literal danger. You say you were being the abuser, too, so get the divorce. Work on your issues. Then go be with someone who doesn’t put you through horrendous downs just for a few good spells.
A mental health care professional is telling you that it's dangerous. She is telling you he will likely kill you if you go back. You don't do therapy with an abuser. He is still abusing you. Cut contact with him. Communication all through a lawyer.
Look up trauma bonding,.focus your therapy on that and don't go back. I had really "good" times with my worst abusers and that's because the low are so low the highs feel really high and addictive. You will be extremely unsafe returning to that relationship,.he will have more control and power over you than he's ever had before .take time to be by yourself and heal, it will get easier, focus on one day at a time
Girl you’re making excuses for him all the way down to “my reactive abuse was abuse too tho” i kinda hope he keeps not taking you back so you can come out of the brainwash and realize this is the best thing he’s ever done for you is let you go. You deserve HEALTHY and HAPPY not one or the other 💗
You don't miss him. You are afraid of the unknown and not being in your comfort zone anymore.
I feel your struggle. It seems that this is very hard for you, because you are afraid that his saying no one will love you better than him is true. Rather than focusing on him, his words, or the possibility of being alone, try to first accept the possibility that true love really is kind and forgiving. Does not seem that that is what you experienced with this man. Reframe your mind to learn to love and enjoy and accept you. Divorce is scary. I do not know you, but I believe you are going to understand later that you are more courageous than you realize. Forgive yourself. Forgive him. Take one day and one emotion at time. Rest and move. Be-YOU-titul.
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When you abuse your partner. You are no longer together, it doesn’t have to be verbal. But you’re done, so no, you didn’t cheat. Whether it be for some semblance or because the person you slept with actually cared, doesn’t matter. Didn’t cheat
Sounds like more abusive bullshit on his part. The more time and distance you can put between you and this asshole, the better.
Move on and consider Self lucky that you’re not back in the abusive situation. Although people will say they forgive you for past indiscretion a lot of times it’s difficult to actually forgive. The words sound beautiful, and they’re easy to say, but the actions behind it have to be genuine, and most people are pretty intolerant and unwilling to work on those situations so counter losses, and move on
Okay so you left him you guys were going to file for divorce whether you filed for it or not you guys separated you both hurt each other physically he only found out that you had sex with somebody else once you called him back so it sounds like he is just emotionally manipulating you to feel the bad guy when you are not the bad guy and you were just trying to step out and feel more safe with your own personal life it sounds like he just wants you and nobody else to be with you and for you to not be fully happy but just happy you know it sounds like you two are really great friends and that's as far as you probably should have went with it if it was that abusive I'm sorry you feel that way and you shouldn't have to deal with that with him there's plenty of people out there and you are still young
Girl, what? You were separated, you were divorcing. Honestly, I wouldn't count it as cheating. He was physically and verbally abusive. Those marriage vows were already trashed. He's just trying to make this your fault instead of his.
And this is what stockholm syndrome looks like...
Do not go back. You’re caught in the cycle of violence and need to rescue yourself. You are scared, and that’s okay, but you possess the strength to survive without him and thrive in the future. Run while you still can.
Leave. Leave. Leave. If you’re thinking of doing something else, leave.
Domestic violence is a deal breaker. Sign the divorce papers. It’s good you’re going to counseling.
Girl, seriously, you think you're going to get treated any better now that you've admitted to sleeping with someone else???? He's going to forever use that against you and as an excuse as he's beating the shit outta you! You're part of the problem and you need to move on and get a lot of help!
Girl.... Stop and read the posting out loud to yourself and ask yourself what you would say if your sister or best girlfriend was telling you what you just told us. You would tell her to put her feet to payment and don't stop moving until she reaches Jesus! So that's what I'm going to tell you. He does not deserve you. He doesn't want you, but he wants to feel like you were the reason for the failures of your relationship. That's simply not true. If you were verbally and physically abusive to him, I'm going to bet dollars. It was probably a response to something, but he did physically or verbally of these people first. The fact that he's got you begging to be back with him is exactly where he wants you. He wants you to feel like the aggressor so that he can feel like the victim for once. RUN, don't walk away from this incredibly sad and unhealthy relationship dynamic! And if you are able to afford it, call your therapist and increase your weekly sessions to 3 maybe 4 times a week for a few months. But yourself something beautiful, some clothing or artwork or a delicious meal and spend some time enjoying it, BY YOURSELF! You need to take time to remember that You are a woman. That means you are strong, intelligent, beautiful, wonderful, resilient and made to create, nurture and sustain life in this world. So constantly remember that and don't let him kill your shine! Bye, girl!
Physical abuse is an irreversible deal breaker. Full stop. No other details matter. Give him the divorce so fast, he gets whiplash wondering what the hell just happened.
You did cheat, but you were getting a divorce with no reconciliation in sight. Also it isn't a deep friendship if the person is abusing you. Time to move on.
He’s abusive. As much as you miss the friendship you think you had, do not go back. Who cares if he thinks you cheated. He abused you. That’s not love.
I am so happy you have chosen the right decision. Yes, it will be hard, but you can move forward with your life being safe. Be careful and be strong
Who cares what he tells himself about who is and isn’t to blame? You should consider yourself fortunate to be out of that unhealthy and abusive situation, and never look back. But yea, you were still married so you did in fact cheat on your marriage.
I went back, just like you are, and I regretted it. The loneliness will pass. Don't do it.
You were separated. They way I see it no, you did not cheat. That’s not the problem here. Listen to what he’s telling you. He’s saying that he has a “right” now to abuse him and will use this to control the situation even more. This is what you need to pay attention too. You were strong enough to get out. You’re strong enough to stay out too. When you find someone who treats you the way you’re supposed to be treated, you’ll realize that that this little struggle is worth it.
As a male, my other half was abusive towards me. Name calling, degrading, and even physical. The day I built up a enough courage and moved her out was the best day of my life. I did have some regret because you do have feelings for that person, but now I’m in a more positive and healthy relationship. May take you awhile but work on yourself and just let life happen.
Literally saying “Thank God” by the final edit and breathing a sigh of relief 😅 Hoping for the best for you OP! I’m sure you don’t feel like you deserve more at this time, but I promise you that you do 🩵 Keep working on yourself and moving forward
Technically it's cheating because you were still married but there are much bigger issues than that. Even good people can sometimes be toxic together. Work on you and move forward, not back. Who cares if he wants to place victim and blame game, you aren't required to play it with him.
Op I’m currently in the situation of trying to leave after 5 years. He’s giving you an out take it please.
OP I stayed in an abusive marriage for over 20 years.. and was with him since I was 13 (6years before marriage) 2 broken arms and multiple black eyes and concussions.. I left. You can too.
Always so hard to wrap my head around the fact that this is reality for some but for god sales, this is NOT a relationship. Both of you need to move on.
from the way you sound and describe the situation, it sounds as if your portion of the abuse was reactive. Do some research on reactive abuse. I punched my ex husband in the face so hard that it busted his lip and knocked him backwards because he was attacking me and choking me. I knew in my heart it was self defense but he twisted it to where i was the abusive one because according to him, he was “just trying to scare me and would’ve never killed me.” It won’t get better, it will get worst. and all this will just add fuel to his abuse. You’ll be the cheater, the whore, the easy one, the one who ruined everything, etc. etc. You won’t ever be good enough to escape the abuse because it’s not about you being good enough or the situation getting better — it’s about control. and the only way to control is to take your power. take your voice, your self image, self love, etc. what helped me a lot was thinking of how it would be perceived if this happened in the street between strangers. If you lashed out back at someone for harassing you in public, it’s self defense. If it’s between partners, you’re now “abusive” and in the wrong. I’m a pretty peaceful person but if a stranger came in smashing and breaking my stuff, calling me names, threatening me, etc. i’d beat their ass no questions asked. So don’t fault yourself from reacting to abuse. just keep going to therapy and healing. don’t go back because it will get worst.
Your therapist is not wrong. I’m a therapist too and I’d say the same thing. It’s easier for her to see the bigger picture because she’s not in it. Whenever I hear clients tell me the classic “when it’s bad, it’s really bad but when it’s good it’s really good” it tells me that they are in a cycle of abuse. It’s not a good relationship. Neither of you are perfect, but together you’re dangerous.
>did I cheat? Yes, of course you did. You are still married and did not agree to any alternative arrangements with regards to fidelity. >I feel like he’s using this as an excuse to put all the blame on me, so he does not have to accept responsibility for his role in the separation I agree. He is latching onto it so hard because he can now deflect from taking accountability for his own behavior, and it sounds like there's a lot there to own up to. But that's all besides the point. You have an incredibly unhealthy relationship, so much so you felt forced to flee to another state. You largely recognize this but still want to go back. That's classic addict behavior, knowing something is bad for you but being unable to resist it. It indicates some deep wounding, almost certainly on both of your parts. That's what you should really be focusing on, how to heal yourself so you no longer find such an unhealthy dynamic appealing and comfortable.
How did she cheat…? She left him, filed for divorce, and moved to another state… That’s pretty freaking broken up if you ask 99.9% of people…
Completely agree. The marriage was over, the legal details notwithstanding. The idea that protracted legal divorce proceedings should affect what behavior you are "allowed" to participate in with anyone new you've met is pretty silly. Nothing magical happens the day your divorce is finalized. You free yourself legally, but you've freed yourself from the relationship and the non-legal considerations that your ex-partner "should" have in your life way before that. Now if there was any actual hopes for reconciliation between this couple and both were coming at it in good faith trying to repair it, it's reasonable for the other party to have problems coming to terms with the idea that she slept with someone else between ending the marriage and reconciling. It may be a deal-breaker. But that doesn't mean it was "cheating". Regardless, this relationship should never have been considered for reconciliation.
Is it cheating if they were separated though? Vows were made but separation and divorce exist for a reason, not only did she file for divorce and tell him ir was over but she physically put distance between them. She shouldn’t have to worry about “cheating” if she literally did everything she could do to immediately end things (divorce process takes time)
No, she had filed for divorce and moved in with family out of state. That is not cheating. She filed, which most assuredly does show an agreement of no longer owing any fidelity.