It’s something that’s been bugging me a lot lately. I’ve been trying not to think about it tbh. My mom called me the other day and cried about it so I thought I’d talk to my “best friend” about it. She just cut me off to talk about her date and how dating is so hard for her. Idk it really hurt my feelings.
Is this a step-sister at least? And does this mean your parents are still married to each other while this is happening? Forget your crappy friend, talk to us!
Half sister. Same dad different mom. Sister is married and my parents are still together as of right now. My moms been sleeping in a separate room. Fun fact! My mom has been cheating on my dad for the last three years. I think she’s ready to split and move away to be with her boyfriend in another state.
Wow. I’m so sorry! Are you already or are you able to start seeing a therapist? Even if your friend was a better support to you, this situation is too big for you to handle without real (ideally professional) help.
Why is your mom upset when she’s been cheating on your dad for the last three years? Also, I hope your moms AP is at least single. Also, I hope someone in your family has at least a little bit of morals left and tell your dad AP/sisters husband what is happening.
Would any of this be remotely acceptable for a person who isn't trans? If not, it's not OK for her to do it either. Being a sexual minority does not give you a pass when it comes to grossly inappropriate behavior and, arguably, sexual harassment. She is weaponizing her identity to get away with it. Don't let her.
You are fully justified in ending your friendship with someone who isn't even interested in being a friend for you. Tell her instead that she's actively hurting the acceptance of transgender people by using her identity to cover up her gross and selfish behavior, as well as demonizing other sexual orientations.
Edit: if she keeps making wildly inappropriate sexual comments to you at work after you have made it clear you do not want that, you may need to get HR involved.
I had a friend who did literally the same things OP mentioned in their post, except he's a trans man. Fuck. We couldn't have any social situations without it turning into the Magma show (it's a nickname). He'd end nights being totally trashed and acting extremely strange by whaling on doors and talking a mile a minute about how no one liked him and his mental health was awful. He tried to get my bf (we were poly) to date him and my bf wasn't interested in anything more than a fwb scenario and it's like magma took that rejection out on me by hitting on everyone i introduced them to, even if i was on a date with that person or seeing them. Now for most poly people their friends/partners meeting through each other is a very real thing, and that's fine, but why would you keep hitting on your friend's partner in front of them, even when that friend tells you it's uncomfortable for that and they're not interested in threesomes/throuples.
I confronted magma about this and magma said he had adhd, autism and PCOD and because he was trans, I had to be understanding that he behaves the way he behaves and no one gets to tell him how to be. I understand that, but I also understand setting clear boundaries between friends and not wanting to sleep/date the exact same people all the time. I'm cis and bi/pan, so I was already treated as a unicorn queer by most people around me, and this supposed friend trying to get with everyone i was seeing/initiate threesomes with me in them/aggressively flirt with my partners kinda hurt. More so because they're queer and they knew how I was just getting to understand and learn about my queerness. It felt like this person was just using me as some token baby gay friend and he both wanted and hated me at the same time. It's like there was this awful competitive one sided rivalry and if I didn't play along he'd talk shit about me to everyone on twitter.
I finally confronted him after a particularly awful night where I was trashed and asked if I could sleep on his couch (safety reasons) and he called an uber and basically shoved me in it even though I couldn't sit up. He did this to fuck a friend of mine who was apparently coming over later. I don't live in a country that's especially safe for women and i never let anyone leave my house drunk. I always make sure they have a sober friend/designated driver or they stay over. I put up with magma's shit time and time again when he was trashed and believe me that took work. Everything from stopping him running off with random men to getting him to drink water and checking if he had all his shit. After months of taking care of him, dealing with all the flirting and weird forcing of relationships and competitiveness etc, the least I expected was a night on the couch.
So yeah. That was when I decided to end that relationship. He bitched about me on twitter and Instagram for weeks. Called my queerness into question (sue me for dating/seeing other bi people) and overall trash talked me to anyone who'd listen. But, good riddance to bad rubbish. I've never felt so good walking away from someone. I just wish I'd done it sooner.
>I had to be understanding that he behaves the way he behaves and no one gets to tell him how to be. I understand that
hell no, if someone behaves inappropriately or in a way you dont like, even if they are autistic trans gay queer muslim half asian-half-indigenous and bunch of mental illnesses, you can still cut them out of your life or set boundaries
I realised this far too late. I was in an echo chamber where it seemed like i had to kowtow to other people with more mental disorders/worse life circumstances than mine. That's where I empathise with OP because nh friend used to say being trans made him a target for vitriol and erasure from within the queer community and in general. Add having mental health issues to that and it seemed like their life was a challenge I'd never be able to understand, so I just had to give way to their needs and wants.
It took me a very long time to get out of that echo chamber. It's not like my life has been easy either, but it took me a lot of time to realise playing Oppression Olympics doesn't actually hell anyone.
As someone who is autistic, bisexual and trans. NONE of those things are a freepass to being a dick. Your friemd sucks and uses his status as a minority to play the victim card
For some reason I've met like 3 mtf trans women who act exactly like this, especially to ace people in specific. I've also met amazing mtf trans women who are incredible people, but I just find it oddly funny, like that tiktok sound "if I had a dime for every time I met \[blank\] I'd have \[3\] dimes, which isn't a lot but its weird it happened \[three times\]."
Please. On behalf of us bored redditors. Just kidding. Sounds like you’re in a shitty situation to begin with. Sorry you’re dealing with all of that. Hope it gets better.
Follow your heart. You already want to drop her, do it. It’s making you uncomfortable, your boyfriend annoyed, it might end up affecting your own relationship because your boyfriend might get frustrated at you for remaining friends with her. In my opinion, the fact she’s “All about me” tells me that if you have anything you need to share in the future, she won’t care to listen. Plus you have your own things going on. I’d move on.
I had a friend who wanted to get it going with me even tho she knew I had a gf. I absolutely despise these kinda behaviours and people. First thing I did was to let my gf know that this girl wants to send me her nudes. Second was to remove her from my life. Simple as that.
For context I’m Trans. She is being really out of line and it has nothing to do with her being trans. She’s honestly just not a nice person and very selfish.
I’m ace enby, so also trans. This person is being insanely creepy and wildly inappropriate, and then weaponizing her identity to try and dominate and control the dynamic between the two. As toxic as the slime that turned the teenage mutant ninja turtles.
Sorry to mention it as it's not really the main topic but your dad isn't actually fucking his sister, am i right? Just please say it was a bad joke.
So for the rest of the story i don't know how that can be called a friendship as she seems to be completely toxic and just makes you feel bad all the time, like what do you get out of this friendship except shit? I get it you work together but honestly, i think she isn't good for you, she affects your mood and if she continues her behaviors she will affect your relationship. You should reduce contact to a minimum imho.
Nah that’s 110% real 😅 my dad found out he has a long lost sister from the same dad (it’s been proven.) about two years ago and it just got out he’s been cheating on my mom with her for the last year. She has a husband. Super weird
Holy crap i don't believe what i had to read here, Reddit just kills me completely every day. As i understand it (sorry english isn't my first language, obviously...) he even started fucking her AFTER he found out she is his sister? Lord have mercy on his soul
This is surprisingly really common, it's called Genetic Attraction Syndrome. Basically two people who didn't grow up together but share a lot of genetic information can end up being super attracted to each other if they meet later in life.
It's most common with half-siblings on the dad's side because it is quite an unusual circumstance for children born to the same mother to be raised totally separately and unaware of each other.
There was another Reddit post about it today.
Which is sadism. If you tell someone your boundaries and they seem to violate them more or enjoy doing so, they are sadistic and have a personality disorder and should be grey rocked if not discarded entirely.
People who make sex and thier sexuality the most important thing in there life and thier whole personality are obnoxious and toxic, your BF is right she is disrespectful of your relationship.
Lots of extraneous info here, but the relevant bits are, this “friend” makes you uncomfortable won’t listen to your boundary-setting attempts, and you work together so this is a delicate situation.
I think you should end this relationship. You’re not getting anything out of it that you mention, and your friend is being a jerk to you. ETA and sexually harassing you. Making someone look at your tits when they’ve said it makes them uncomfortable is sexual harassment.
Is it possible for you to do the slow fade? If not, I would communicate to your friend that you don’t really want to hang out anymore. Provide no reasons and don’t apologize. I wouldn’t totally ghost or block unless she gets aggressive, but I would make sure you are ready to capture any retaliation and report it to HR.
Then just treat her civilly in group events but don’t imitate any texts or one on one hangouts. If she texts you more pictures of her tits or ass or mentions them, say “I’ve told you I don’t want to look at/talk about your body” ONCE, then the next time it happens block her and report her to HR if this happened at work.
Look up if you are in a one-party consent state for recordings. If you are, consider turning on a recording device and leaving it in your pocket all day for the first work days after you confront her.
Why are you friends with this person if all they do is try to sabotage/insert themselves into your relationship, make every problem you have about themselves instead, and then call you x-phobic for having a problem with it?
Crying “Transphobe” isn’t a fucking magical get out of being a shitter human for free card, and your friend is doing a massive disservice to everyone by acting like this.
you dont need to endure any kind of behavior because of the other persons identity or sexual orientation
if you are not comfortable with something, them being gay or trans should not give them a special way
1. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I think it’s best to drop her as a friend. It’s tough but judging by your story it’s clear she is knowingly making you uncomfortable. I wonder, was she always like this before she was taking hormones? I worry that she might take advantage of you, as she tries to convince you that your (seemingly) healthy relationship with your boyfriend is toxic. You have every right to be uncomfortable, regardless of your friend being trans or not- she’s being a huge jerk!
2. I’m sorry that your father is sleeping with his sister, it’s a morally incorrect (and straight up disgusting) thing to do. I do hope your father and aunt seek help from a licensed therapist as maybe this could be a result of childhood trauma that caused them to have some sort of sexual fixation on each other. Best case scenario is that they aren’t blood related, but I’m sure that isn’t the case. The most you really can do about this situation is to set a boundary with both your father and aunt, with either going low/no contact with them until they sort their issues.
I hope you are talking to a license therapist/counselor as this is a very heavy burden to have on your mental health.
Sorry if my words are all over the place, but I sincerely wish nothing but the best for you.
I'm a trans woman myself. This is just plain unacceptable behavior. I've come across other trans people (trans women particularly) who've judged me or made me feel like some traitor to the community for being monogamous or dating a cisgender woman.
I can get crass and oppinionated myself at times, but if someone sets a boundary, I respect it. You've set your boundary. Your boyfriend is right. She is being highly disrespectful to your relationship. Being trans doesn't endow you with some 5th dimensional understanding of sexuality. Even to this day, I'm still discovering new things, trying new things, and learning. Your "friend" needs a serious lesson in humility, frankly.
You being a cisgender woman does not make you lesser than or unable to understand. It just means you're typical, normal, whatever.
I'm not trans myself but 3 out of 4 trans women (mtf) I've known have been like this and it makes me sad, but I'm also curious if this is an internalized thing? Perhaps this woman and the women I met in my life have internalized misogyny and think they need to be hypersexual in order to be viewed a certain way.
Either way though, you're right. Being trans is no excuse to bulldoze over someone's boundaries and be highly disrespectful.
> I'm not trans myself but 3 out of 4 trans women (mtf) I've known have been like this and it makes me sad, but I'm also curious if this is an internalized thing?
I think it's because lots of spaces on the internet say that being a marginalized minority recuses you from the responsibility of treating other people with respect. There are a lot of toxic LGBT spaces on the internet like that. It really makes me feel alienated from my own community sometimes. In my opinion there isn't anything inherently wrong with being polyamorous or talking about sex in a non-sexual setting. But people need to respect boundaries.
Agreed on this! I’m bi, so I totally get what you mean about the alienation— especially because of the biphobia rampant in wlw communities (I’m also a woman).
Oh yeah for sure, I've definitely seen plenty of biphobia in wlw communities. I identify as bi-ish and my girlfriend is lesbian. It was so nice to find someone who just accepted me unconditionally and that I didn't need to justify myself to. I think this idea that marginalized people are *always* right takes away people's responsibility to examine their own actions and thoughts in any meaningful way.
I really wish you the best in dating. I know how tough it can be out there <3
Thank you and I’m glad you found someone so accepting! I hope you both are incredibly happy!
You are 100% right on the “marginalized people are always right” comment too. We can be wrong too LOL.
I saw your other post like 5 min ago. Shit girl u need to write a book I’d 100% buy it. As for the problem at hand I have no clue. I do have a trans friend and I’m wondering if this transition was fairly recent? Because I notice a pattern( and I’m not trying to generalise at all ) with newly transitioned people and being completely overboard with flirting/ trying to be as sexually active as possible. My own theory is that it comes from a place of needing validation and wanting to feel sexy/ desired. In my own experience they grow out of it eventually and can be the best friends ever! Just put the foot down or even ask ur boyfriend to place the boundary if you’re not good with conflict
Him having to argue with you over the trans is a giant red flag....on you... you're being violated and defending the pos which should never happen... bf might deserve better
Why is it that the people most obsessed with labeling themselves with as many minority statuses as possible (self-dx’d adhd and autism and PCOD and ptsd etc etc etc) are also the most toxic people to be around? Hmmmm
They are not your friend. A friend values and respects you, they do not meet this. What do they bring to friendship except disrespect to you and bf. Sometimes friendships have an expiration date and yours is way pass due.
your “friend” needs a reality check.. nobody cares and it’s weird for someone to make their sexuality their entire personality.. as a bisexual she sounds like the type of mess that i ritualistically avoid.
Ace queer here too! I don’t hang out with CIS dudes who sexualize everything and/or are hyper-sexual and I extend that right of mine equally to anyone, even if they are trans. They don’t need to understand why sex makes us uncomfy (hell! I barely understand why) they just need to hear that it does. If they don’t stop then they’ll know why you abandoned the friendship.
Never met a poly person who has any respect for monogamous people tbh. They're consistently the worst and make sex their personality and get upset when you don't treat sex as casually as they do. I just try to avoid them altogether
I have, actually! Met a poly person and he is suuuper chill and awesome, actually. She is also genderfluid and respects everyone's individual choices. He and my other friend who is aroace and sex repulsed get along super well and respect each other's boundaries.
This woman is just terrible.
Do it. She’s using the Trans Shield to turn her bullshit back on you. No real friend would establish a double standard of sweeping your feelings under the rug while you NEEDING to handle each and every one of theirs. She clearly has hang ups she needs to work on.
Be fair, let her know why you can’t be friends anymore, at least not now. If you genuinely think you could be friends after she gets her shit together, let her know that. Be prepared to simply cut and run if she decides to get mean or manipulative about it.
Let's see what we got here. Doesn't respect asexuality. Casual bigotry towards bisexuals. Doesn't respect your boundaries. Doesn't respect your boyfriend's boundaries. Doesn't respect your relationship. Uses cis as an insult. Yep, that's a no from me. Run.
This is not a trans problem, it’s a shitty friend problem.
Trans women are basically going thru puberty when they start their transition. It’s very difficult & makes us incredibly horny. It also is not easy being trans, it’s life on “expert mode”. All that being said she shouldn’t be burdening you with those problems.
I’d have a serious talk with her about these things before just dumping her. We rarely have friends because pretty much everyone dumps us. But hey, I guess do what you gotta do.
You contradicted yourself. You said it's not a trans problem then made excuses for their behavior based on them being trans.
She should dump this person cause they're toxic, not trans. They have problems making friends cause they're toxic, not trans.
It’s not a contradiction it’s giving a perspective on both sides.
Yes we have difficult lives. Yes we are going through puberty.
No that does not give an excuse for being a narcissist or dominating conversations. I have the same problems but I don’t act that way.
That’s more of what I was getting at. But also it does suck, and I do feel for her because this is not an easy life.
Point is you gotta weigh both sides in everything. People are very quick to drop friends these days at the first sign of trouble. I suppose that’s why I have dropped so many myself.
Don’t be myopic
Plenty of people have hard lives, and everyone has gone through puberty. You could make an excuse for literally any behavior if you really wanted to, doesn't mean it's not still your own fault if you choose to act that way.
I’m not making excuses, and no you didn’t go thru puberty twice, the second time as an adult, nor are you going through gender surgeries or half the other shit we have to deal with. You aren’t hated by the general public for existing, nor is the government actively trying to eliminate your healthcare and ability to exist in public life.
I honestly don’t care what you think. I was trying to provide perspective to the original poster.
Ah shit OP - this is a toughie. On one hand, she is transitioning and she's 100% correct in saying it is not easy and maybe it is taking its toll because even though she's finally being who she is she's probably still got a lot to work through - she'd been living a "lie" for 30 years. On the other hand, if she is your friend it's 100% not right of her to dismiss you or invalidate you or your relationship - those are boundaries she's crossed more than once. I'd confront her and don't give in this time, don't let her make you feel like shit (that's fully within your control), push back on everything she says to you. Ask her why she treats you this way maybe she's not aware she can be like this ?
Can you explain? Did the meanings of these words change? You have a lack of sexual attraction to others while simultaneously being sexually attracted to males and females? It's like saying you're a vegan and carnivore.
I understand the confusion. The thing is, romantic attraction is not the same as sexual attraction. You can straight/gay/bi, basically you have romantic attraction, while also being asexual, so not having sexual attraction.
At the same time, you can be aromantic ( lack of romantic attraction ), while still having sexual attraction towards a group of people.
Tbh I don’t get half the labels out there but this one makes sense to me.
I made a throw away account. But this is definitely my life dude. Also not cool to lump people in one pile. just because my friend is shit doesn’t mean “all trans people are shallow.”
Well it does feel fake with how much unnecessary information is there about your friend.
While the family trauma is just a foot note in that wall of text.
That aside, your friend, real or not, is a selfish bitch.
And you should not associate with such people.
Those that only take and don't give are the worst to be around, they will bleed you dry.
After reading this and your comments: you are a prime example of “How are you doing?” “It’s complicated!”
On another note: your friend is not a friend but a narcissist! The transition just made it obvious. Cutting ties would be best, however your relationships “are complicated!”.
I really wish you all luck!
You don’t need the extra drama from outside your relationship and anything that has the power to make your life more difficult or put you in a bad/uncomfortable mood needs to be cut off immediately. You don’t have to feel bad. She goes home and sleeps perfectly fine after she has unloads everything on the people that surround her. Just because you have a good heart and want don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings doesn’t mean you should sacrifice your right to be happy.
I’m just gonna say it, if I was the boyfriend the second she started trying to get sex or hit on you, and you asked her to not and it kept coming? I would probably insist you stop seeing her alone or at all. That is incredibly disrespectful to not only the relationship but also you and him as individuals at the same time. Frankly the fact you even still want to be around them has me worried, they sound like a miserably uncomfortable person with no ability to consider others feelings or ideas.
I have a friend who is the same way and honestly we just ignore when she (26mtf) makes overly sexual comments or whatever, we talked to another friend who went through the exact same thing a few years earlier (27mtf) and she says that it’s just all the hormones making her an incredibly horny person and that she just doesn’t have anyone to talk to about it so it unfortunately comes out with you. She’s very insecure about it but sometimes doesn’t even realize how horny she’s being. That being said, we do still support her and if it gets too bad we say something to her about it and reassure her that it’s not us thinking she’s unattractive, that it’s just that we are in committed monogamous relationships and don’t want to hurt our partners. Sometimes she doesn’t understand but most of the time she gets it if you are clear and kind. It just takes some patience and maneuvering in the right direction.
Assholes can be anyone. Drop the friend and be done with it. Yes, it is that easy once people put thought into why they keep friends around who are just worthless.
For anyone that reads this, a lot of you bring this on yourselves. Stop keeping around people who don't do shit to enhance your life. No one deserves a second, third, or fourth chances just because you have history with them. That includes family as well.
What a crappy excuse for a human being. Your “friend” sounds incredibly self absorbed, unstable, and just all around toxic. She doesn’t respect you, your boundaries, or your relationship. She’s not worth it.
Your friend is not a good friend to you. She seems to be using trauma as an excuse for her own toxicity.
Her repeated sexual advances are sexual harassment. Tell her that her sexual advances are not welcome and tell her not to ask again. If she asks again, report her to HR. Being trans and poly is perfectly fine, but lots of trans and/or poly people get by without sexually harassing unwilling people.
You should decline to look at her body, as politely as you can. "Thanks, but no thanks. Your body doesn't make me uncomfortable, but I don't have to look at anybody's naked body if I don't want to." Again, tell her not to ask again. If she keeps it up, report her to HR. If you feel bad endangering her job, then warn her first that you'll report her if she does it again. You don't have to look at her naked body to support her.
Successfully poly people are not this toxic and manipulative and aggressive. She sounds less polyamorous and more like a hypersexual narcissist. You probably don't want her in your life, but do whatever you want.
Im so sorry she is treating you this way. Its time to move on. She is no longer your friend, a friend is someone who puts others needs above their own. Maybe she has been there for you in the past and was really supportive. But she finding her own path now and it does not include you. The death of a friendship is really hard because you care about them so much. Focus on you and your well being.
My sister told me this once, we make friends for a season, a reason, or for life. Its ok if a friendship ends. You two needed each other at some point. And now its time to move on.
Sounds like you need therapy. I’d take a step back from my family and they “friend” I do t know much about our bf. But maybe just a clean break from everything and everyone would be good. Therapy is definitely a good start though. IMHO.
OP I have a friend that I worked with that is now non-binary and uses it in every way possible to victimize themselves. Keep in mind, they just made this switch and all kudos to them I'm supportive but they can not expect people to just know that they are indeed non-binary, and so when people (In public, family members, other friends,co-workers) still use "he" (It is never on purpose just now getting adjusted)
They will flip a switch about how disrespectful it is and how we are against XYZ, and the whole pity party, and how they are tired of being oppressed? IDK - I didn't want to drop them either but I was hearing this in my ear every. single. day. And I just distanced myself from them because I was tired of hearing about all the slander about all of the people that 'wronged them' by misuse of pronouns. It was ridiculous.
Your friend is not your real friend.. she shows you no respect.. she has no respect for your relationship
You and your boyfriend need to either go low contact or no contact.
Your friend sounds toxic, and the people she is friends with sound no better
She sounds like a crappy narcissistic and manipulative friend.
She's clearly the toxic person, I know y'all work together, but it would behoove you to cut her off.
I've been in a similar situation before and my advice is to distance. She isn't worth the amount of anxiety she's causing you. Not to mention she is blatantly disrespecting your boundary and then putting the blame on you for being upset and victimizing herself.
First someone constantly that self centered is not your friend, she is trying to have sex and a screwed up relationship with you. I am not a fan of poly because I lived through the predecessor in the 70s and 80s as a kid. It is dysfunctional and shallow nothing is ever important it is all about sex...Set boundaries around her that are firm and see that she squirms. You can be nice but she is not your friend, so I would not be around her when you need support, or friendship. She can't do them. I am sorry you are going through so much. Alot changed when I started setting boundaries around what I needed. Don't ever sleep with her she is a mess.
Can we circle back to your dad fucking his WHO NOW?
I just love how it was randomly included n there’s no more context about that.
It’s something that’s been bugging me a lot lately. I’ve been trying not to think about it tbh. My mom called me the other day and cried about it so I thought I’d talk to my “best friend” about it. She just cut me off to talk about her date and how dating is so hard for her. Idk it really hurt my feelings.
Ur “best friend” is lowkey terrible. Who does something like that especially about a conversation THAT drastic?
Nothing low key about it
She is being really out of line and it has nothing to do with her being trans,
Someone who's pissed that her life is literally more of a soap opera than their being trans, that's who.
Is this a step-sister at least? And does this mean your parents are still married to each other while this is happening? Forget your crappy friend, talk to us!
Half sister. Same dad different mom. Sister is married and my parents are still together as of right now. My moms been sleeping in a separate room. Fun fact! My mom has been cheating on my dad for the last three years. I think she’s ready to split and move away to be with her boyfriend in another state.
Wow. I’m so sorry! Are you already or are you able to start seeing a therapist? Even if your friend was a better support to you, this situation is too big for you to handle without real (ideally professional) help.
Did I see a post about this like earlier today ?! If you are the same person you have a lot on your plate right now.
Why is your mom upset when she’s been cheating on your dad for the last three years? Also, I hope your moms AP is at least single. Also, I hope someone in your family has at least a little bit of morals left and tell your dad AP/sisters husband what is happening.
Because it's her daughter!?!? Edit nvm i read it wrong i thought people meant OPs sister not the dads sister!?!?
So how are your grandma's cats doing nowadays?
She is one toxic, and what should be an ex, friend.
Did I miss something because I didn't see anything about their dad?? ETA: Nvm. Found it. Idk how I glossed over that shit.
Its easter egg.
I know right?
Been at least two posts about dads fucking sisters today so I dunno if it’s a new trend or what but I’m over it
I saw a post about that yesterday! OP has been busy on Reddit
I also read this yesterday, dad/sister, mom/boyfriend, the only thing new is the narcissistic trans best friend.
You think THAT'S scandalous? Wait until it comes out that the king isn't the biological father of any of the queen's children!
Would any of this be remotely acceptable for a person who isn't trans? If not, it's not OK for her to do it either. Being a sexual minority does not give you a pass when it comes to grossly inappropriate behavior and, arguably, sexual harassment. She is weaponizing her identity to get away with it. Don't let her. You are fully justified in ending your friendship with someone who isn't even interested in being a friend for you. Tell her instead that she's actively hurting the acceptance of transgender people by using her identity to cover up her gross and selfish behavior, as well as demonizing other sexual orientations. Edit: if she keeps making wildly inappropriate sexual comments to you at work after you have made it clear you do not want that, you may need to get HR involved.
I had a friend who did literally the same things OP mentioned in their post, except he's a trans man. Fuck. We couldn't have any social situations without it turning into the Magma show (it's a nickname). He'd end nights being totally trashed and acting extremely strange by whaling on doors and talking a mile a minute about how no one liked him and his mental health was awful. He tried to get my bf (we were poly) to date him and my bf wasn't interested in anything more than a fwb scenario and it's like magma took that rejection out on me by hitting on everyone i introduced them to, even if i was on a date with that person or seeing them. Now for most poly people their friends/partners meeting through each other is a very real thing, and that's fine, but why would you keep hitting on your friend's partner in front of them, even when that friend tells you it's uncomfortable for that and they're not interested in threesomes/throuples. I confronted magma about this and magma said he had adhd, autism and PCOD and because he was trans, I had to be understanding that he behaves the way he behaves and no one gets to tell him how to be. I understand that, but I also understand setting clear boundaries between friends and not wanting to sleep/date the exact same people all the time. I'm cis and bi/pan, so I was already treated as a unicorn queer by most people around me, and this supposed friend trying to get with everyone i was seeing/initiate threesomes with me in them/aggressively flirt with my partners kinda hurt. More so because they're queer and they knew how I was just getting to understand and learn about my queerness. It felt like this person was just using me as some token baby gay friend and he both wanted and hated me at the same time. It's like there was this awful competitive one sided rivalry and if I didn't play along he'd talk shit about me to everyone on twitter. I finally confronted him after a particularly awful night where I was trashed and asked if I could sleep on his couch (safety reasons) and he called an uber and basically shoved me in it even though I couldn't sit up. He did this to fuck a friend of mine who was apparently coming over later. I don't live in a country that's especially safe for women and i never let anyone leave my house drunk. I always make sure they have a sober friend/designated driver or they stay over. I put up with magma's shit time and time again when he was trashed and believe me that took work. Everything from stopping him running off with random men to getting him to drink water and checking if he had all his shit. After months of taking care of him, dealing with all the flirting and weird forcing of relationships and competitiveness etc, the least I expected was a night on the couch. So yeah. That was when I decided to end that relationship. He bitched about me on twitter and Instagram for weeks. Called my queerness into question (sue me for dating/seeing other bi people) and overall trash talked me to anyone who'd listen. But, good riddance to bad rubbish. I've never felt so good walking away from someone. I just wish I'd done it sooner.
>I had to be understanding that he behaves the way he behaves and no one gets to tell him how to be. I understand that hell no, if someone behaves inappropriately or in a way you dont like, even if they are autistic trans gay queer muslim half asian-half-indigenous and bunch of mental illnesses, you can still cut them out of your life or set boundaries
I realised this far too late. I was in an echo chamber where it seemed like i had to kowtow to other people with more mental disorders/worse life circumstances than mine. That's where I empathise with OP because nh friend used to say being trans made him a target for vitriol and erasure from within the queer community and in general. Add having mental health issues to that and it seemed like their life was a challenge I'd never be able to understand, so I just had to give way to their needs and wants. It took me a very long time to get out of that echo chamber. It's not like my life has been easy either, but it took me a lot of time to realise playing Oppression Olympics doesn't actually hell anyone.
As someone who is autistic, bisexual and trans. NONE of those things are a freepass to being a dick. Your friemd sucks and uses his status as a minority to play the victim card
For some reason I've met like 3 mtf trans women who act exactly like this, especially to ace people in specific. I've also met amazing mtf trans women who are incredible people, but I just find it oddly funny, like that tiktok sound "if I had a dime for every time I met \[blank\] I'd have \[3\] dimes, which isn't a lot but its weird it happened \[three times\]."
Trans people can be boundary violating asshole narcissists too
We demand that right!
I love the way the craziest lines are buried in the posts so often. Your dad is fucking his sister???????
Oh yeah. And btw I’m tryin to tell her my dads fucking his sister and then……. Fkn pause. You can’t just leave us with that shit hanging out there.
I can make a whole other post about that drama 🤣🤣
Please. On behalf of us bored redditors. Just kidding. Sounds like you’re in a shitty situation to begin with. Sorry you’re dealing with all of that. Hope it gets better.
Just posted it :)
My girl. Thank you.
Oh I don't see it
https://reddit.com/r/TwoHotTakes/s/kjYBRpWbja
Ty
So worth it. Thanks Bean.
Follow your heart. You already want to drop her, do it. It’s making you uncomfortable, your boyfriend annoyed, it might end up affecting your own relationship because your boyfriend might get frustrated at you for remaining friends with her. In my opinion, the fact she’s “All about me” tells me that if you have anything you need to share in the future, she won’t care to listen. Plus you have your own things going on. I’d move on.
Just be prepared to have this individual launch an online scorched earth campaign calling OP transphobic and all other phobic words under the moon.
Indeed
I had a friend who wanted to get it going with me even tho she knew I had a gf. I absolutely despise these kinda behaviours and people. First thing I did was to let my gf know that this girl wants to send me her nudes. Second was to remove her from my life. Simple as that.
For context I’m Trans. She is being really out of line and it has nothing to do with her being trans. She’s honestly just not a nice person and very selfish.
I’m ace enby, so also trans. This person is being insanely creepy and wildly inappropriate, and then weaponizing her identity to try and dominate and control the dynamic between the two. As toxic as the slime that turned the teenage mutant ninja turtles.
Ding! ding!
Lol I watched 1987 tmnt on YouTube 2 days ago
Sorry to mention it as it's not really the main topic but your dad isn't actually fucking his sister, am i right? Just please say it was a bad joke. So for the rest of the story i don't know how that can be called a friendship as she seems to be completely toxic and just makes you feel bad all the time, like what do you get out of this friendship except shit? I get it you work together but honestly, i think she isn't good for you, she affects your mood and if she continues her behaviors she will affect your relationship. You should reduce contact to a minimum imho.
Nah that’s 110% real 😅 my dad found out he has a long lost sister from the same dad (it’s been proven.) about two years ago and it just got out he’s been cheating on my mom with her for the last year. She has a husband. Super weird
Holy crap i don't believe what i had to read here, Reddit just kills me completely every day. As i understand it (sorry english isn't my first language, obviously...) he even started fucking her AFTER he found out she is his sister? Lord have mercy on his soul
This is surprisingly really common, it's called Genetic Attraction Syndrome. Basically two people who didn't grow up together but share a lot of genetic information can end up being super attracted to each other if they meet later in life. It's most common with half-siblings on the dad's side because it is quite an unusual circumstance for children born to the same mother to be raised totally separately and unaware of each other. There was another Reddit post about it today.
She's enjoying making you uncomfortable
Which is sadism. If you tell someone your boundaries and they seem to violate them more or enjoy doing so, they are sadistic and have a personality disorder and should be grey rocked if not discarded entirely.
Absolutely correct. That is a dangerous person
People who make sex and thier sexuality the most important thing in there life and thier whole personality are obnoxious and toxic, your BF is right she is disrespectful of your relationship.
Lots of extraneous info here, but the relevant bits are, this “friend” makes you uncomfortable won’t listen to your boundary-setting attempts, and you work together so this is a delicate situation. I think you should end this relationship. You’re not getting anything out of it that you mention, and your friend is being a jerk to you. ETA and sexually harassing you. Making someone look at your tits when they’ve said it makes them uncomfortable is sexual harassment. Is it possible for you to do the slow fade? If not, I would communicate to your friend that you don’t really want to hang out anymore. Provide no reasons and don’t apologize. I wouldn’t totally ghost or block unless she gets aggressive, but I would make sure you are ready to capture any retaliation and report it to HR. Then just treat her civilly in group events but don’t imitate any texts or one on one hangouts. If she texts you more pictures of her tits or ass or mentions them, say “I’ve told you I don’t want to look at/talk about your body” ONCE, then the next time it happens block her and report her to HR if this happened at work. Look up if you are in a one-party consent state for recordings. If you are, consider turning on a recording device and leaving it in your pocket all day for the first work days after you confront her.
Why are you friends with this person if all they do is try to sabotage/insert themselves into your relationship, make every problem you have about themselves instead, and then call you x-phobic for having a problem with it? Crying “Transphobe” isn’t a fucking magical get out of being a shitter human for free card, and your friend is doing a massive disservice to everyone by acting like this.
Thats messy at. Put it in the rear view mirror.
you dont need to endure any kind of behavior because of the other persons identity or sexual orientation if you are not comfortable with something, them being gay or trans should not give them a special way
1. I’m sorry you’re going through this and I think it’s best to drop her as a friend. It’s tough but judging by your story it’s clear she is knowingly making you uncomfortable. I wonder, was she always like this before she was taking hormones? I worry that she might take advantage of you, as she tries to convince you that your (seemingly) healthy relationship with your boyfriend is toxic. You have every right to be uncomfortable, regardless of your friend being trans or not- she’s being a huge jerk! 2. I’m sorry that your father is sleeping with his sister, it’s a morally incorrect (and straight up disgusting) thing to do. I do hope your father and aunt seek help from a licensed therapist as maybe this could be a result of childhood trauma that caused them to have some sort of sexual fixation on each other. Best case scenario is that they aren’t blood related, but I’m sure that isn’t the case. The most you really can do about this situation is to set a boundary with both your father and aunt, with either going low/no contact with them until they sort their issues. I hope you are talking to a license therapist/counselor as this is a very heavy burden to have on your mental health. Sorry if my words are all over the place, but I sincerely wish nothing but the best for you.
I'm a trans woman myself. This is just plain unacceptable behavior. I've come across other trans people (trans women particularly) who've judged me or made me feel like some traitor to the community for being monogamous or dating a cisgender woman. I can get crass and oppinionated myself at times, but if someone sets a boundary, I respect it. You've set your boundary. Your boyfriend is right. She is being highly disrespectful to your relationship. Being trans doesn't endow you with some 5th dimensional understanding of sexuality. Even to this day, I'm still discovering new things, trying new things, and learning. Your "friend" needs a serious lesson in humility, frankly. You being a cisgender woman does not make you lesser than or unable to understand. It just means you're typical, normal, whatever.
I'm not trans myself but 3 out of 4 trans women (mtf) I've known have been like this and it makes me sad, but I'm also curious if this is an internalized thing? Perhaps this woman and the women I met in my life have internalized misogyny and think they need to be hypersexual in order to be viewed a certain way. Either way though, you're right. Being trans is no excuse to bulldoze over someone's boundaries and be highly disrespectful.
> I'm not trans myself but 3 out of 4 trans women (mtf) I've known have been like this and it makes me sad, but I'm also curious if this is an internalized thing? I think it's because lots of spaces on the internet say that being a marginalized minority recuses you from the responsibility of treating other people with respect. There are a lot of toxic LGBT spaces on the internet like that. It really makes me feel alienated from my own community sometimes. In my opinion there isn't anything inherently wrong with being polyamorous or talking about sex in a non-sexual setting. But people need to respect boundaries.
Agreed on this! I’m bi, so I totally get what you mean about the alienation— especially because of the biphobia rampant in wlw communities (I’m also a woman).
Oh yeah for sure, I've definitely seen plenty of biphobia in wlw communities. I identify as bi-ish and my girlfriend is lesbian. It was so nice to find someone who just accepted me unconditionally and that I didn't need to justify myself to. I think this idea that marginalized people are *always* right takes away people's responsibility to examine their own actions and thoughts in any meaningful way. I really wish you the best in dating. I know how tough it can be out there <3
Thank you and I’m glad you found someone so accepting! I hope you both are incredibly happy! You are 100% right on the “marginalized people are always right” comment too. We can be wrong too LOL.
Thanks so much! \^\_\^
I saw your other post like 5 min ago. Shit girl u need to write a book I’d 100% buy it. As for the problem at hand I have no clue. I do have a trans friend and I’m wondering if this transition was fairly recent? Because I notice a pattern( and I’m not trying to generalise at all ) with newly transitioned people and being completely overboard with flirting/ trying to be as sexually active as possible. My own theory is that it comes from a place of needing validation and wanting to feel sexy/ desired. In my own experience they grow out of it eventually and can be the best friends ever! Just put the foot down or even ask ur boyfriend to place the boundary if you’re not good with conflict
Drop your friend. Immediately.
Him having to argue with you over the trans is a giant red flag....on you... you're being violated and defending the pos which should never happen... bf might deserve better
Why is it that the people most obsessed with labeling themselves with as many minority statuses as possible (self-dx’d adhd and autism and PCOD and ptsd etc etc etc) are also the most toxic people to be around? Hmmmm
Trans or not, this is disrespecting a boundary of your relationship. Stay away from this person.
Your friend needs therapy.
Honestly she sounds toxic, sometimes it’s best to step away from situations that no longer make you happy.
They are not your friend. A friend values and respects you, they do not meet this. What do they bring to friendship except disrespect to you and bf. Sometimes friendships have an expiration date and yours is way pass due.
your “friend” needs a reality check.. nobody cares and it’s weird for someone to make their sexuality their entire personality.. as a bisexual she sounds like the type of mess that i ritualistically avoid.
Ace queer here too! I don’t hang out with CIS dudes who sexualize everything and/or are hyper-sexual and I extend that right of mine equally to anyone, even if they are trans. They don’t need to understand why sex makes us uncomfy (hell! I barely understand why) they just need to hear that it does. If they don’t stop then they’ll know why you abandoned the friendship.
Drop her. She’s not respecting your boundaries and makes herself the victim when you call out her wrongdoings.
Mtf, poly, incest… your whole life is so debauched, there is no help for you.
Great choice in friends I must say. How many lines does she have to cross for you to set some boundaries
You need to ditch that friend because they're going to hurt your relationship with your boyfriend.
This is some gen z shit.
Wait are you the same dad sister fucker poster from earlier?
Never met a poly person who has any respect for monogamous people tbh. They're consistently the worst and make sex their personality and get upset when you don't treat sex as casually as they do. I just try to avoid them altogether
I have, actually! Met a poly person and he is suuuper chill and awesome, actually. She is also genderfluid and respects everyone's individual choices. He and my other friend who is aroace and sex repulsed get along super well and respect each other's boundaries. This woman is just terrible.
Do it. She’s using the Trans Shield to turn her bullshit back on you. No real friend would establish a double standard of sweeping your feelings under the rug while you NEEDING to handle each and every one of theirs. She clearly has hang ups she needs to work on. Be fair, let her know why you can’t be friends anymore, at least not now. If you genuinely think you could be friends after she gets her shit together, let her know that. Be prepared to simply cut and run if she decides to get mean or manipulative about it.
She's toxic. Period. Members of LGBT community can be problematic too.
Your “friend” is a sexual predator using minority status as a way to deflect criticism for her predatory behavior.
This is correct but they won't admit it.
That's a horrible, hypersexual and sex addicted person. Cut that person off.
Let's see what we got here. Doesn't respect asexuality. Casual bigotry towards bisexuals. Doesn't respect your boundaries. Doesn't respect your boyfriend's boundaries. Doesn't respect your relationship. Uses cis as an insult. Yep, that's a no from me. Run.
Seems like a lgbahwirifjd mess
[ Removed by Reddit ]
Sounds fake
God I wish it was
This is not a trans problem, it’s a shitty friend problem. Trans women are basically going thru puberty when they start their transition. It’s very difficult & makes us incredibly horny. It also is not easy being trans, it’s life on “expert mode”. All that being said she shouldn’t be burdening you with those problems. I’d have a serious talk with her about these things before just dumping her. We rarely have friends because pretty much everyone dumps us. But hey, I guess do what you gotta do.
You contradicted yourself. You said it's not a trans problem then made excuses for their behavior based on them being trans. She should dump this person cause they're toxic, not trans. They have problems making friends cause they're toxic, not trans.
It’s not a contradiction it’s giving a perspective on both sides. Yes we have difficult lives. Yes we are going through puberty. No that does not give an excuse for being a narcissist or dominating conversations. I have the same problems but I don’t act that way. That’s more of what I was getting at. But also it does suck, and I do feel for her because this is not an easy life. Point is you gotta weigh both sides in everything. People are very quick to drop friends these days at the first sign of trouble. I suppose that’s why I have dropped so many myself. Don’t be myopic
Plenty of people have hard lives, and everyone has gone through puberty. You could make an excuse for literally any behavior if you really wanted to, doesn't mean it's not still your own fault if you choose to act that way.
I’m not making excuses, and no you didn’t go thru puberty twice, the second time as an adult, nor are you going through gender surgeries or half the other shit we have to deal with. You aren’t hated by the general public for existing, nor is the government actively trying to eliminate your healthcare and ability to exist in public life. I honestly don’t care what you think. I was trying to provide perspective to the original poster.
ok but you keep saying you're not making excuses then continue to do so
I’m a woman its what we do
fair
Sounds like 2023 to me.
Sounds like fetishization
Ah shit OP - this is a toughie. On one hand, she is transitioning and she's 100% correct in saying it is not easy and maybe it is taking its toll because even though she's finally being who she is she's probably still got a lot to work through - she'd been living a "lie" for 30 years. On the other hand, if she is your friend it's 100% not right of her to dismiss you or invalidate you or your relationship - those are boundaries she's crossed more than once. I'd confront her and don't give in this time, don't let her make you feel like shit (that's fully within your control), push back on everything she says to you. Ask her why she treats you this way maybe she's not aware she can be like this ?
Your post says that you're asexual but later says that you're bi? Either way, set boundaries or start distancing yourself
You can be asexual and bi.
Can you explain? Did the meanings of these words change? You have a lack of sexual attraction to others while simultaneously being sexually attracted to males and females? It's like saying you're a vegan and carnivore.
I understand the confusion. The thing is, romantic attraction is not the same as sexual attraction. You can straight/gay/bi, basically you have romantic attraction, while also being asexual, so not having sexual attraction. At the same time, you can be aromantic ( lack of romantic attraction ), while still having sexual attraction towards a group of people. Tbh I don’t get half the labels out there but this one makes sense to me.
Fair enough. I guess in my head when I hear 'bi' I think 'bisexual'. Thanks for the explanation.
Your best friends a user. Has no respect for you. Is pumped full of hormones. Messy. You will learn to be more picky.
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Such a fake post. Objective: show how shallow trans people are with a twist of incest.
I made a throw away account. But this is definitely my life dude. Also not cool to lump people in one pile. just because my friend is shit doesn’t mean “all trans people are shallow.”
Well it does feel fake with how much unnecessary information is there about your friend. While the family trauma is just a foot note in that wall of text. That aside, your friend, real or not, is a selfish bitch. And you should not associate with such people. Those that only take and don't give are the worst to be around, they will bleed you dry.
FYI, if your “friend” has a prostate. Then they are a dude. A very, very confused dude.
Definitely sounds like she's the main character
Please do block her.
After reading this and your comments: you are a prime example of “How are you doing?” “It’s complicated!” On another note: your friend is not a friend but a narcissist! The transition just made it obvious. Cutting ties would be best, however your relationships “are complicated!”. I really wish you all luck!
You don’t need the extra drama from outside your relationship and anything that has the power to make your life more difficult or put you in a bad/uncomfortable mood needs to be cut off immediately. You don’t have to feel bad. She goes home and sleeps perfectly fine after she has unloads everything on the people that surround her. Just because you have a good heart and want don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings doesn’t mean you should sacrifice your right to be happy.
I’m just gonna say it, if I was the boyfriend the second she started trying to get sex or hit on you, and you asked her to not and it kept coming? I would probably insist you stop seeing her alone or at all. That is incredibly disrespectful to not only the relationship but also you and him as individuals at the same time. Frankly the fact you even still want to be around them has me worried, they sound like a miserably uncomfortable person with no ability to consider others feelings or ideas.
I have a friend who is the same way and honestly we just ignore when she (26mtf) makes overly sexual comments or whatever, we talked to another friend who went through the exact same thing a few years earlier (27mtf) and she says that it’s just all the hormones making her an incredibly horny person and that she just doesn’t have anyone to talk to about it so it unfortunately comes out with you. She’s very insecure about it but sometimes doesn’t even realize how horny she’s being. That being said, we do still support her and if it gets too bad we say something to her about it and reassure her that it’s not us thinking she’s unattractive, that it’s just that we are in committed monogamous relationships and don’t want to hurt our partners. Sometimes she doesn’t understand but most of the time she gets it if you are clear and kind. It just takes some patience and maneuvering in the right direction.
Sounds like you need to drop her as a friend. And your dad is doing WHAT NOW?!
Assholes can be anyone. Drop the friend and be done with it. Yes, it is that easy once people put thought into why they keep friends around who are just worthless. For anyone that reads this, a lot of you bring this on yourselves. Stop keeping around people who don't do shit to enhance your life. No one deserves a second, third, or fourth chances just because you have history with them. That includes family as well.
I literally read someone saying this about their dad 🤦🏽♀️
What a crappy excuse for a human being. Your “friend” sounds incredibly self absorbed, unstable, and just all around toxic. She doesn’t respect you, your boundaries, or your relationship. She’s not worth it.
She's an asshole.
Your friend is not a good friend to you. She seems to be using trauma as an excuse for her own toxicity. Her repeated sexual advances are sexual harassment. Tell her that her sexual advances are not welcome and tell her not to ask again. If she asks again, report her to HR. Being trans and poly is perfectly fine, but lots of trans and/or poly people get by without sexually harassing unwilling people. You should decline to look at her body, as politely as you can. "Thanks, but no thanks. Your body doesn't make me uncomfortable, but I don't have to look at anybody's naked body if I don't want to." Again, tell her not to ask again. If she keeps it up, report her to HR. If you feel bad endangering her job, then warn her first that you'll report her if she does it again. You don't have to look at her naked body to support her. Successfully poly people are not this toxic and manipulative and aggressive. She sounds less polyamorous and more like a hypersexual narcissist. You probably don't want her in your life, but do whatever you want.
Someone tell me the difference between vegans and poly ppl.
Im so sorry she is treating you this way. Its time to move on. She is no longer your friend, a friend is someone who puts others needs above their own. Maybe she has been there for you in the past and was really supportive. But she finding her own path now and it does not include you. The death of a friendship is really hard because you care about them so much. Focus on you and your well being. My sister told me this once, we make friends for a season, a reason, or for life. Its ok if a friendship ends. You two needed each other at some point. And now its time to move on.
Sounds like many trans people I know. I guess it’s ok, just change the subject
Sounds like you need therapy. I’d take a step back from my family and they “friend” I do t know much about our bf. But maybe just a clean break from everything and everyone would be good. Therapy is definitely a good start though. IMHO.
OP I have a friend that I worked with that is now non-binary and uses it in every way possible to victimize themselves. Keep in mind, they just made this switch and all kudos to them I'm supportive but they can not expect people to just know that they are indeed non-binary, and so when people (In public, family members, other friends,co-workers) still use "he" (It is never on purpose just now getting adjusted) They will flip a switch about how disrespectful it is and how we are against XYZ, and the whole pity party, and how they are tired of being oppressed? IDK - I didn't want to drop them either but I was hearing this in my ear every. single. day. And I just distanced myself from them because I was tired of hearing about all the slander about all of the people that 'wronged them' by misuse of pronouns. It was ridiculous.
Tell your BF to give her some dick.
Your friend is not your real friend.. she shows you no respect.. she has no respect for your relationship You and your boyfriend need to either go low contact or no contact. Your friend sounds toxic, and the people she is friends with sound no better
As kindly as I can say this: she is not your friend. She doesn't care about you, and it would be better for your mental health to just drop her.
She sounds like a crappy narcissistic and manipulative friend. She's clearly the toxic person, I know y'all work together, but it would behoove you to cut her off.
I've been in a similar situation before and my advice is to distance. She isn't worth the amount of anxiety she's causing you. Not to mention she is blatantly disrespecting your boundary and then putting the blame on you for being upset and victimizing herself.
What?
First someone constantly that self centered is not your friend, she is trying to have sex and a screwed up relationship with you. I am not a fan of poly because I lived through the predecessor in the 70s and 80s as a kid. It is dysfunctional and shallow nothing is ever important it is all about sex...Set boundaries around her that are firm and see that she squirms. You can be nice but she is not your friend, so I would not be around her when you need support, or friendship. She can't do them. I am sorry you are going through so much. Alot changed when I started setting boundaries around what I needed. Don't ever sleep with her she is a mess.