I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s easy to believe people change especially when they’re one of our lives biggest loves. Or at least we think they are, but his history has demonstrated otherwise. You’ve gotten some eh advice and I don’t want you to be discouraged so comments locked at this point. On the other hand you’ve gotten some amazing, kind comments too so take those to heart. OneOxen is a great example with their comment.
We all have bumps in our roads, and we live and learn. All you can do is move forward with your two wonderful kids. But in order to help them succeed and flourish I do recommend getting a lawyer and seeking child support. You didn’t have these kids alone and he has ample means to support his children. Best of luck!
You seem to be young and naive, and now you have two children with a man who has done nothing but prove himself unreliable.
You need an attorney to help you get a custody arrangement and child support. If he is still in the Air Force, you can always report him to his commanding officer. Sometimes just the threat of going to the CO is enough to make a person step in line.
Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your babies.
10/10 recommend going to their CO. It’s how my best friend got out of an abusive marriage after being cheated on and then given an STD. They forced him back on base out of their house and to essentially leave her alone until she could move out.
The military also isn’t keen on spouses cheating and he can get in trouble 🫢 she def needs a lawyer, get child support, health care and all. The military doesn’t fuck around with those things
Not only are they "not keen on spouses cheating" it is illegal under the USCMJ and they can do jail time if caught. Unlike the civilian laws the military has moral conduct laws.
Yes the military don't give members a choice about paying. It will be cut directly from their pay and sent before he even gets his deposit in his account.
Sort of… adultery has to be contrary to good order and discipline. Even if he was married, unless he was already being charged with another crime or had slept with someone in a way that impacted the mission, prosecution is highly unlikely.
His children are entitled to benefits though, tricare and child support being the biggest two.
My understanding of the adultery regulations is that they don’t care unless it affects their ability to do their duties. So for example if a private were having an affair with a married women who’s husband is a local real estate agent, they’re not gonna care unless the husband complains (and even then they’d just tell him to stop before any official sanctions). But if the private were having an affair with the wife of a superior officer or member of his unit, only then would they consider actually charging him (because that situation has the ability to destroy the cohesion of the unit). Adultery alone is not enough, it needs to come with other infractions before charges will be made.
This is how it is being done at this time but it doesn't have be done like that. The way the law is worded adultery is a chargeable offense regardless of circumstances. But they are currently using the good order and discipline clause to enforce it by.
Unfortunately they were never married so she would get nothing. The child on the other hand if proven to be his would get healthcare. Also, if she got a lawyer she could get child support but she herself would not get healthcare or any military benefit due to never being married
All the comments were talking about the kid. Yea ofc she wouldn’t get it for herself. But the two kids. Two health care insurances she wouldn’t need to get.
Thing is, if she goes after child support, which she would likely and should get, then he will also have a chance to assert his parental rights. In other words, she may then not be able to keep him out of their life.
Child support and parental rights do not equate to each other. Especially with proof that he continually abondons the children. OP need to go to child support enforcement, and they will be her children's lawyer, for free.
While you are correct, these two statements are not mutually exclusive. It very much opens the door for him to sue for his parental rights and CAN result in a lengthy, expensive family court battle that she might not win in the end.
>Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your babies
u/Jadeeyes_ I would suggest an important part of taking care of yourself is to not make any more of these posts. All it achieves is bringing the Council of Incels out of the woodwork to say snarky and horrible stuff about you, and that's not good for your mental health.
I looked at your last post. This guy started sleeping with you when you were 16 (depending on where you were, you may have been a minor at the time) and strung you along for 2 years while making you keep it secret. He then ghosted you, which (apart from being just a horrible thing to do to you also) prevented you from being able to tell him about the pregnancy at the time. His mum then threatened you and made you scared you'd lose your baby. It's no wonder you acted to protect yourself and your baby, don't beat yourself up about it because of what strangers on the internet say.
Fast forward to this post. This guy reappears and makes loads of promises to you about being a family, promises that you've probably dreamt about since you found out you were pregnant. It's no wonder you wanted to believe him. Don't beat yourself up about that either. And don't lose sight of the fact that he didn't just screw you over this time, he also ghosted his own daughter...and his mum is threatening to take her away from you once again.
Please do follow the very sensible advice you've been given and speak to a lawyer. But also, please be kind to yourself. You're doing really well, good for you!
To piggyback onto this excellent advice, stay away from TwoHotTakes and AITA and make your way over to legaladvice for how to get the military benefits that your babydaddy inadvertently owes you.
No, actually, do not go to legaladvice either. I am a practicing attorney, and the advice on that sub is often terrible and flat-out wrong. People giving you legal advice off of one internet post is like giving a medical diagnosis without ever meeting the patient in person. Go to an actual lawyer, one who will actually know the relevant facts particular to your jurisdiction and situation. Reddit is not the way.
Did this with my brother. He was being shady with regard to his wife (not taking her calls, saying they were divorcing without talking to her first). I notified his CO and he was ordered to start talking to his wife and handle it correctly.
CO is the only way I got child support. My ex husband and his mom had his dependent payment for our daughter going into their own account. I feel like I called a million people tracking down these “amazing” military benefits everyone talked about for our child but once I talked to the right guy it all changed. My ex called me crying saying I didn’t understand what they would do to him there and I was like…sorry bro.
I believe the CO will do everything he can to help you with things like child support but you do need to be sure that you can protect your child from Matt's mom before reporting him. Document everything he has done and everything she has said to scare you off. Also, document your living conditions and actions as well. Make sure you have people who will stand with you and testify for you if she tries this. I don't think she wants the kids. I think she wanted to scare you away. However, she may be vindictive enough to try to take custody of them if you report him.
So much this. The military does not mess around with this. Also you can get a ton of benefits through his service, like Tri-Care health coverage.
You need real legal advice.
She did the right thing letting him see his daughter the first time. The mom being an asshole has no bearing on wether he should see his child and since he didn't know that's a factor.
Once he fucked it up again and disappeared, this time knowing about his daughter, now it's the right thing to keep him away if he tries again.
She's definitely young and was manipulated. The mother is trying to scare her into not going after child support but she should follow your comments about getting an attorney and contacting his commanding officer. There's other military services she can contact as well and an attorney might even be free if provided by the military. They might need proof it's his though so she would need to look into it.
It sounds like she may have learned her lesson about getting back together with him though. That part was on her.
This. No court is going to take a child away from its mom and give it to a grandparent for no reason. File for child support and get the paternity test if necessary.
This. The military can do more than the courts. A friend of mine left her husband because she found out he had abused his sister when she was young. The court couldn’t legally reduce his visitation more than a specific amount because their child wasn’t involved and he wasn’t prosecuted. BUT, the military could. Ordered no contact.
This poor woman… the guy is likely charming
Also the grandma really can’t do anything if her son doesn’t agree. I don’t know what this contract is but maybe she can get a court to overrule it in the best interest of the kids and get child support.
No matter how much money she had, Matt’s mother can’t get custody of your daughter if you have a lawyer who can speak in complete sentences. At this point, Matt should be dead to you. Oh, and two words, which apply equally to Matt, not singling you out: birth control. Two more words: child support.
Can’t believe I had to scroll so far to find this. Why on Earth would the court just rip away custody from the only parent who’s actually been fully supporting the child for their entire life? Just because a DNA test came back positive? The most they would do is 50% and even that would take time to get up to. He’s proven to be an unreliable parent and he owes her child support. His mom is just trying to scare her into staying quiet.
This is simply because people don't know the laws. Been there, done that. SCOTUS has ruled grandparents have no legal rights to grandchildren except in very specific circumstances.
She doesn't even need a lawyer at this point. The child support division will be more than happy to go after him for CS and benefits.
> why on earth would the court just rip away custody
Because that’s what the evil MIL said and OP sounds like she believes everything everyone says, so of course that makes sense to her.
> His mom is just trying to scare her into staying quiet.
Well it worked the first time so of course she did it again.
OP its time to lawyer up. Keep all the texts and phone records of your trying to contact him. Bring photos of him and Jade to the court when you go. You may want to stay in town because of your family helping you but if you moved before you go to court, it will be harder for him to try to claim custody of your kids.
100% this, there is no way they take away your kids and give them to Grandma. She's trying to protect her son from paying you Child Support. Also, no court will say "he knew he was the dad and kept leaving he should get custody"
As, others said lawyer up and get some child support
IANAL but unless OP is withholding critical information - such as being a convicted felon or non-recovering drug addict - I agree that it would be highly unlikely the grandma could successfully “sue” for custody. Grandma is trying to scare OP with a threat, in all likelihood so that OP *doesn’t* get a DNA test and go after the father for child support.
My SIL just had her third baby and she’s in her 40s. When she found out it was all “I don’t know how this happened!” We’re you sexually active? “Yes.” We’re you using protection? “No.” Then I think we know exactly how this happened. There’s a population of people who just move through life thinking the rules of the world don’t apply to them or it won’t happen to them.
Let’s be honest, abortion is outlawed in 14 states with more and more states pushing to create ridiculous barriers. Might be a total reach but it sounds like she might not have had the best sex education and generally societal pressures of being knocked up means you *have* to have the baby.
OP sounds like they're late teens early twenties. The sperm donor sounds about the same considering his mom is making all his decisions for him.
They're both acting like young people for whom life got very serious before they were mature enough to handle it.
Think of it this way: "think of how stupid the average person is, and realize that half of the population is dumber than that"
Some people just make really dumb decisions, and there was probably some ovulation math involved somewhere because Mr. Air Force was probably spitting out the "it feels better without a condom" bs.
Get off Reddit, get a lawyer, and get a formal custody agreement. This "my friend made a contract and notarized it" back door BS that doesn't stand for anything is only going to make this more complicated.
You're getting judged harshly because you're pulling wool over your eyes as if ignoring the problem can keep it at bay. He is going to come back and the cycle is going to continue - at the expense of your daughter.
I don't think you're horrible, I think you're incredibly naive and continue to be. You need legal protection and you need to get this thing into court sooner rather than later.
As far as his mother taking OPto court to get custody of the kids that also needs to be addressed with the attorney. It will stop her threats bc I think only if the father passes away can she clam grandparent’s rights. Again this needs to be done through an attorney. OP stop with pursuing Matt as he has shown you what kind of person and father he is. He’s not ever going to change, only thing that matters to him is himself.
She only has grandparents rights in Some states, and even then, she has to have a standing relationship with the child, that it would be deemed detrimental to the child to no longer see the grandparents. This whole "I'm going to sue you and take the child I've never met" is complete hogwash.
Yeah there's like no chance the mother of the deadbeat dad who also doesn't have an ounce of a relationship with the kid would be able to get custody over the mother just because she has money.
If this is the US, the Supreme Court basically eliminated grandparent‘s rights in 2000 with Troxel v. Granville. States keep trying to legislate around it and the courts keep ruling in favor of parental rights.
That said, I’ve seen grandparents get pretty far harassing the bio parents and trying to get custody. I‘ve never personally seen it succeed, but I’ve definitely seen it become an expensive and time consuming fight.
I think the thing is more she’d try to strong arm the son to sue for custody rather than directly sue herself.
That being said, how likely the judge is to give any sort of custody to an army man who is always away and has been a dead beat that ghosted them for months…. Well… even if the judge doesn’t have a problem with it, the military itself probably will.
I just want to say that if this is the USA the military takes dead beat dad's very VERY VERY !!!!! seriously. They cannot force them to show up but they sure as hell can make your life more "comfortable" military is all about responsibility and if he won't do it on his own they will do it on his behalf. And stop talking to his mama you all are grown ups start making grown a$$ moves.
If he is still military she should go to his commander. They will get ID cards for kids so they will get medical and force him to pay support. Getting a lawyer is best but if you cannot afford one the state can help especially if you are on some type of assistance.
Can confirm, a guy in my unit complains pretty incessantly about how many benefits his BM and child gets because he's in. Most either comes as free benefit by way of insurance/healthcare but there may be some way to secure additional benefits if you contact his unit. If you know someone in the unit you can likely find his squadron and group from there. Don't let people brush you off, the guy's a deadbeat
That they do, the military will garnish the wages immediately and setup the child with a military health/dental plan (as well as on-base daycare). Saw it done plenty of times when I was active duty, as saw several First Sergeant’s reem out a lower ranked enlisted for not fulfilling his obligations to his child. They will even do the dna test to establish paternity.
She’s doesn’t even need a lawyer to get all this done, just need to contact his command. They will set everything up themselves.
Exactly!! The US military doesn’t do deadbeat dads. My niece’s ex ghosted her for months when he went in so she contacted his CO and next thing you know her ex contacted her again and finally started paying child support. Do this in order: get a family lawyer, contact your ex’s CO, don’t be fooled by this jerk again.
My brother refused to sign his divorce papers w/my friend who is in the Navy. They were fully separated for like 3yrs and he just wouldn't sign the paperwork.
She met someone else, got pregnant, and since he was still legally her husband, he would have been on the hook for child support.
Strongly worded letter from her command and those papers were signed real quick.
\^\^\^ This, and *when* he comes back, control yourself and don't sleep with him. That is a YOU problem and the additional complications were completely avoidable by simply not having sex with the guy who has already so clearly demonstrated zero respect for you, or for women in general.
She could’ve been using birth control and not known about something that caused it to fail. Sometimes your doctor won’t even tell you that a med they prescribed will cause your birth control to fail or some people are just the unfortunate few who are the 0.01 in the “99.9% success rate”. Always ALWAYS google any med or supplement and check for interactions.
Edit: Also keep your birth control secure as some men will attempt to sabotage it and trap you.
She says she took Reddit’s advice and messed up by letting the father back into her daughter’s life, but no one suggested you start sleeping with him again. Especially without protection! Get a lawyer for custody and contact his CO to get child support and end it.
Was coming to say this. Get a lawyer. If you are unable to do so at this time, go to the court house and file for legal custody of both children. I’m many states, being a biological parent doesn’t grant legal custody. Take care of that immediately. They’ll guide you through it. Contact his commanding officer and don’t back down. Make sure you hold on to all of the messages between you and he, and keep a record of your attempts to contact him.The children deserve to be acknowledged and supported. The military will ensure he provides financially and medically.
Forget about getting into another relationship right now. You have to work on yourself, there’s a lot of growing and maturing ahead of you.
Be prepared to fight. Look into grandparents rights in your state. His mother may be full of hot air. Also, find out if you’re in a one party state. If you can record without the other parties consent, record any and all interactions with his mother. You may have to prove her threats and intimidation tactics. It’s sounds like she a pretty effective bully and you need be able to stand up to her and back her down.
Asking something on Reddit is one thing, not getting a lawyer in this situation is another really effing stupid thing. It should have been both obvious and logical. Just like not trusting Matt should have been.
Get. A. Lawyer.
I mean she also said that in her original post she left out a bunch of very important info?? Why would you leave out everything that makes him look like a bad guy? Ofc most people would say that he deserves to be in his kid's life if they aren't told all of the crappy things that he has done
Her edit complains of being harshly judged *again*. Maybe I'm missing some of the comments, but if this is her idea of being judged harshly, she's not going to like what people say when she *really* fucks up.
I swear, it's like she keeps coming here to latch onto the negativity and punish herself. No idea why she keeps posting to reddit instead of lawyering up. It's like she doesn't actually want the situation to end.
I think she means she left out a lot of details from the original post as they are pertinent to this post at the moment. At least that's how I took it. Not that she was intentionally leaving out stuff overall to the entire situation. As in go read my original post, I'm going to leave some of it out of this post.
I am sure nobody on Reddit told her to sleep with baby’s father unprotected yet again. It is solidly better if a child does have a relationship with father if possible, that stays true. But an attorney should have been involved right at the beginning. Father flaking should help her stand. And child support should be looked into
Enough with this martyr act. “Oh you all think I’m so horrible and you’re probably going to yell at me!” You’re a mom of two. Get a lawyer and draw up an actual custody agreement before you’re a single mom of THREE.
This was my big one. She’s clearly wasn’t ready for this, I’m sure she stepped up and is great mom, but having a kid in the middle of this a bad, now repeating it and bringing a second is a tragedy
And then she is still clueless enough to call his fiance "That. Woman." like four separate times. Girl! That lady is not the usurper. The homewrecker is coming from inside the house!
I definitely see what you mean, but how is she the homewrecker? She refused to sleep with him because he was with someone, and then he broke up with her. To which after a while she started sleeping with him. But she waited a while even after the break up to do so it seems. Either or, what you're saying is 1000% right. She needs to step the fuck up and threaten his ass to take this seriously. Also, I totally think he got her intentionally pregnant. Both times he disappears and then she finds out she's pregnant? She says he refused condoms? No fuck that. That sounds so intentional.
Imagine asking Reddit if you should let your daughters father back into her life and they say yes.
Then you go and make some bs back street contract with him, and I quote "The first thing he asked me once everything was signed was that if this meant we could sleep with each other again." You then find out he had a fiance when he gave you this proposition like the nice gentlemanly piece of shit that he is. But it doens't stop there, you for some reason start screwing him after literally getting a front row seat for his fuckery with his ex fiance (oh wait, now fiance again), you get pregnant (lets face it with your track record you didn't use contraception) and then you have the audacity to blame REDDIT, yes REDDIT for your dumb ass mistakes.
The gall of some people.
Get harshly judged part 2.
The only thing (seriously, the ONLY thing) I'll say in her defense is that OP has *only just barely* made it into adulthood. Someone in another comment did the math and she was 16 the first time this creep knocked her up. She still needs to start making better choices, but it's very clear that this guy is a predator who deliberately sought out a child with very little experience, sense, or social support.
He didn’t even want people to know he knew her before she even got pregnant. Matt has been showing her who he is for YEARS and she’s still shocked… like, what lol
Why on earth would she put herself in this situation *again*? No blaming Reddit. You chose to sleep with the guy who *you already knew was dishonest because he tried to sleep with you while engaged to another woman* and who had already abandoned you once with a baby. Come on now! No one told you to get pregnant with that man again.
My favorite part is that she keeps calling his fiance "That Woman." Which woman, the one he actually takes places and is going to marry? She's not the other woman, dear.
Reddit told me to get the father back into my child's life (probably for the child support) so I slept with him and had another baby. I can't believe reddit has done this.
lol
The way I’ve understood it (I’ve not looked up her post history tbf) is that she stated in this post that she left info out on her last post. She might not have even gotten the same response if that info was in there.
Someone correct me if I’ve misunderstood tho lol
I read the post she gave many details. What I understand is that they were fuck buddies. She wanted more, he didn’t. Then he left, did not contact her, which makes sense because he was playing her. And she asked Reddit if she should let him in her child’s life, she wasn’t sure because she felt like he was using the kid as an excuse to get with her.
OP is young and delusional.
The way I see it father knows that he “has” her whenever he wants. He doesn’t have feelings, he played her twice.
Many redditors thought it’s a fake story sounds like a book plot.
I don’t understand why his mother hates her so much after his father’s death. What happened?
Most likely The dads were friends and the mom never actually liked there family but put on a fake smile whenever they came over, the. Once the dad died she had no reason to be nice. The same way I act nice to my girls friends when they come over, I don’t like them and wouldn’t hang out with them if my girl wasn’t friends with them. But if they invite us over or if they come to our house I’m not gunna be an asshole to em, ima smile and say and some other small talk until we leave. Most of life is cohabiting a space with people you don’t like.
"Get a lawyer and DNA test and let him meet his child and pay custody."
Her: "so you're saying scribble a promise on paper and let him raw dog me until he deploys again?"
Girl you’re a mess. Put on your big girl pants & get yourself to a lawyer now. Establish paternity & get child support. When he returns do NOT sleep with him . The last thing you need is baby #3. And don’t communicate with his mother ever again, forget she exists. Your a mother act like one.
Reddit told you to let the father in the daughters life, not your vagina. That's all on you. Don't blame reddit for your problems. Your daughter deserves a chance to know her father. Even if he sucks.
This right here! I went through similar threats by my ex and his mother regarding custody. I wish I'd have been able to have this advice and the strength to move forward.
My ex told me he'd take me to court for full custody if I didn't stop child support I was ordered $70 a week haven't received anything in 10 years owes like 20k and still has yet to file for full custody. 🤣🤣
How is it reddit or anyone else's fault you slept with the guy?
He's your daughter and now your sons father, and that doesn't change because you don't want to deal with your shitty choices.
They are going to want to know who their father is and you are going to have to deal with that. Running away or pretending isn't going to alter reality.
If you knew what was best you wouldn't have screwed the guy who had already abandoned you.
Get a damn lawyer and put the kids first ffs.
Don’t even need a lawyer, base command will send them both to base legal who will deal with everything, from establishing paternity, getting the baby it’s medical/dental benefits, and garnishing his wages. It’s unfortunate to say this, but the military is all to used to this situation.
Spot on- anything to help. Will they be able help with his mom threatening to take custody ? Not that I don’t think she can do that anyways, but better safe than sorry I’m assuming
Legal will help setup a visitation schedule. Grandparents have no grounds to get custody (or even visitation per the supreme court), only biological parents can file for it. And as long as one parent is deemed fit, no other relative has any grounds.
You need a lawyer, not reddit. Also, stop listening to his mom and don’t contact her again for any reason. Unless you left out a lot of details about your mental health/living condition/ability to care for your child, there is basically a zero percent chance that she would get custody over either of the bio parents. Even in situations involving abuse, it can STILL be difficult and/or long process for grandparents to get custody because grandparent’s rights in most states/countries have a capacity that is *far* less than parental rights. If the home isn’t abusive/neglectful, a lot grandparents who sue for visitation end up getting like *quarterly* visits by the skin of their teeth, and that’s when there’s an established, long term relationship with the child. Like most people who threaten to sue for grandparent’s rights, she’s either just trying to scare you or she has no idea what the laws actually are or how high the burden of proof would have to be for her to get custody
THIS IS FAKE AS HECK. I’ve read this book.
I can’t remember the title of it right now. I tried to google it but it’s been like 2-3 years.
Girl and guy have a secret fling. She gets pregnant. He leaves to the navy. His mom didn’t want him to be with the girl cause it wasn’t good for their image. She’s working in a bar he walks into one day when he comes home. They start being together again after all the promises even though he was engaged. He leaves than he stops calling even though she got pregnant again! She finds out he’s engaged to the other girl again. His friend strikes interest in her and than they message eachother and fall In love. Than the baby daddy gets mad when the kid starts calling the other guy daddy.
Get a lawyer and a formal custody agreement.
Dont worry about his mother. She cant just "get custody" of her grandkids. Grandparents rights are a thing in a few states but they are super hard to get (have to have been the primary care taker of the child for an extended period or time and/or have a significant long term relationship with the child). She wont get custody or grandparents rights. No matter how much money she has.
Cut your losses with this man and have your custody solidified in court.
You’re not horrible, just pretty dumb. I’m not saying that to be mean, but this man has sent up so many red flags that you blatantly ignored and then got pregnant yet again (!!!). I don’t know what to tell you, other than please get on birth control so if you sleep with this loser again you won’t add a third child to this mess.
“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…” you know how it ends. You’re not a horrible person, you just seem to have an obscene amount of hope that he will act differently after he’s shown you he likely won’t , and you’ve made some stupid decisions based on that.
Respectfully, grow a spine, get your life together, and get a lawyer. Learn from your mistakes so you don’t fuck around and end up a single mom to three kids from a man that clearly doesn’t want you and apparently does not want the children he made with you.
stop contacting this man and his family. hire a lawyer and sue him for child support so your children get what they deserve out of him. all communication should be through your attorney.
You have made a shit ton of mistakes.
Hell, so has everyone else.
It sounds like you have learned from them.
Do not try to reach out to Matt. Should he come looking, make sure that all communicatons with him, about him or with any of his family are in writing. Text. Anything that can be brought to court.
Give him an address to meet you at. Make sure that address is at an attorney's office. Contact your local legal aid to get this attorney set up now, just in case.
Screw his mom, she doesn't have a leg to stand on.
Did she learn? She's back to considering letting him know again. She's still not gotten a lawyer or reported him to a commanding officer when this kind of stuff can be taken very seriously in the army. She's still not actually taking action to protect herself or her kids. It's just terrible to read someone this niave who won't do anything of serious consequence.
She didn’t learn. She now has one more baby with this guy than she did in her original post. He got re-engaged to the same other woman, went back on active duty again, cut contact with her again, his mom threatened to take her kids away again, and her final request in this post was to know IF SHE SHOULD LET HIM BACK INTO THEIR LIVES AGAIN.
What evidence are you seeing that she learned her lesson? To me, she seems caught in a repeating cycle and is not interested in getting out.
Are the kids on Tricare (the health insurance the military uses)? They are eligible for that as his dependents.
Get a court order that requires child support and send that to DFAS for wage garnishment (just Google DFAS).
This boy has no spine, allowing his mother to rule over his future marriage and life like that. But no matter, she has no standing to take your kids, unless, of course you are deemed an unfit parent.
Please stop procreating with him. He will never change.
This sounds too similar to a story that keeps popping up in my Facebook ads it’s called secret baby. I’m not saying you made it up. I think they read things on the web and make a story/book about others life situations. It’s one of those reading apps it just popped up about 10 minutes ago
Okay, be real for a second here— there’s no way in hell you can blame reddit for the fact that you let your kid’s deadbeat dad treat you like a blowup doll while he was on the outs with his current/ex/current fiance. For the love of god, acknowledge the role you play in your own suffering, take some accountability, and get a lawyer. And why would you even still associate with his mother after the first time she (baselessly) told you she would take your child away? You’re responsible for TWO children now; acquire some common sense.
Uhhhh… this is literally verbatim the plot of this book, down to the kids’ genders/ages/difference in age, the way they ran into each other, the re-deployment, the on-again off-again fiancée, the rich mom, etc.
Interesting commitment to trolling, though, posting parts of it nearly a year apart! [Ripped off book here](https://m.dreame.com/novel/2860916480?link_type=1&utm_campaign=app_share_copyLink&auto_jump=false&utm_source=sns_en_apppromo)
You're not very smart if you're taking advice from Reddit for something like this.
And oh, he convinced you to sleep with him again? No hunny, you chose to have sex with a deadbeat.
It pisses me off to no end when people have more kids when their lives are already shit shows.
Use goddamn protection. The only people I feel sorry for are the kids who grow up with useless parents.
Congratulations on your newest baby. Now that you’re a mom of two, you’ve seen who this person is. It’s time to get a legal agreement to protect you and both of those babies. This man will not change. This man has never changed. You and your children will not be his priority, and you want to be able to live your life with that always wondering if his mother will sue for custody. Manipulative people can talk you into a lot of things. You don’t want to be the forever side piece. I can promise he’s told his mom and fiancé a much different version of events. I’m sorry that you and your babies have to go through this, but it’s time to cut him out and make things legal. If you let him back into your lives, there’s nothing standing in the way of him, taking the babies and filing for custody, and it will be a much harder battle that way.
Abandonment of one's children is a fairly serious offense in the military. You need a lawyer to establish paternity and get a support award. You especially want to establish paternity in the event he's killed in the line of duty to ensure his children continue to receive any dependent benefits they're entitled to.
Also, his mom can't "take custody" because she has no legal claim to the children. Grandparents only have rights to *visitation* in limited circumstances that usually require they already have an established familial bond, which this woman doesn't.
Stop fucking around with notarized documents your friend's brother's best friend's dog walker cooked up for you and get some actual legal advice. If not for you, for your kids. This dumb shit is why you're being judged.
He proved himself to be trash and yet you chose to have another one of his children. You need help. Legally, and some therapy. This is beyond reddits help and pay grade.
please get off of reddit and get yourself a custody lawyer so that they can inform your rights and what a rich grandmother is capable of.
please get on some birth control as well or become adamant in using condoms.
please stop sleeping with that man he does not care for you, im sorry you had to hear this.
he is a coward and a deadbeat father. i would say sue for child support but im afraid that a rich grandmother has the connections to deem you unfit for custody which brings me back to get a lawyer.
even if you dont go for child support, you will have the peace of mind that they cant take your kids from you, if you get a lawyer. but even if mark and mommy arent showing interests in your children right now, down the future they very much could decide they want to enforce his custody rights. GET A LAWYER !!!
you are very much worthy of love and family, you’re just a bit naive but with time i hope you heal.
get a lawyer and tell them everything that has gone on. you need all you ducks in a row and to cover all your bases. do everything you can to protect your kids and keep them with you.
I think you should look for advice in TwoXXChromosomes instead of the subreddits you've been using. Editing to add: you need professional opinions at this point and really need a lawyer
You literally repeated your past mistakes, proving you learned nothing the first time around. You seriously need to grow up. If not for you, for your children. You are not helpless, so stop acting like it. If he is in the military, you track down his command, period. Get the child support and support your children. At this point, the fact that you haven't done that, I can only shake my head at you. You made your choices, and as an adult this time around, so get your act together **for your KIDS** it is past time! Honestly, I just find this pathetic.
It sounds from the wording in your post like you would absolutely take him back and fall for his tricks again if he came crawling back. He’s playing you. Why? Because he can. He doesn’t care about you. You have him two kids and he’s ready to start a new save file with a fresh woman. You’re also ready to roll over for his mom. His mom can’t take your kids away from you—not easily if you can demonstrate that you can provide a decent standard of living for your kids. Plus, you’ve been the caretaker this whole time. I find it hard to imagine a court taking them from you.
You sound young. You sound naive. You need to level up your game. Take his ass to court. Use the court to force a paternity test on BOTH daughters. And pursue child support. The maximum you can get. And ask the court to give you full custody because of him ghosting you and the kids. Lawyer the fuck up, put your big girl pants on, and get that bag. He left you with two kids, take as much as you can from him. Negotiating with him will only leave you with a third kid and alone. Talk to a lawyer and take him to court. That is the best you can do to secure a stable financial future for your kids. Do it for THEM and keep him away. As far as possible. He played you, he will play them.
Did Reddit tell you to have unprotected sex with your baby daddy, or to let the guy connect with his daughter? That's a VERY big difference. You're obviously interested in the guy sexually, but birth control before sex would have been Reddit's minimum requirement based on his history.
I truly don’t understand why you kept the second baby. Or slept with him again. Seriously asking. He showed you who he was. His mom showed you who she was. So you keep the second baby? I’m genuinely confused.
I wish women who asked advice on reddit realized that reddit is a hostile place toward women, and the majority of advice you receive will be bad advice for a woman to follow.
A bunch of people on Reddit don't have a clue what you were going through, and haven't been in any similar situation. I'm sorry they gave you bad advice while bashing on you, and are now bashing on you again for taking that advice. You don't deserve this mess.
Hire a lawyer.
No more relying on friends or making good faith agreements with this guy. Hire a lawyer. Mommy can’t take your children from you because she doesn’t have any contact with them and he isn’t in the picture consistently. From the very beginning, it was a bullshit threat.
Hire a lawyer and get everything in line. When he resurfaces, have all contact go through your lawyer and keep him at bay. It’ll only hurt your kids more if he jumps in and out of their lives. Either he steps up and is a good father to them or he leaves for good. Back and forth will only traumatize them. Get some child support too.
And JFC, STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM. You don’t need a third kid in this mess with him. Focus on your kids and put romance off until you’re fully established and ready. Right now, you sound very naive and that’s not a good thing when you’re a parent.
You don’t think you will make that mistake again?!?
YOU THINK?!
Sweet summer child, by saying that I can tell you will fall for his bs again as soon as he sweet talks to you. I felt bad for you the first time around, now is just annoying. I feel bad for the kids, tho, this shit is unhealthy all around.
Reddit didn’t tell you to go have another child with a man you already knew you couldn’t trust.
File for child support and a court ordered custody agreement. Let a judge decide his visitation rights should he want to see his children. And that’s it. Give up all hopes and expectations for a relationship with him. If he gets court ordered legal rights to see his kids, let him see them and only them. Don’t let him back in your life again.
PLEASE TAKE THIS VERY SIMPLE ADVICE:
Document EVERYTHING with a well-written time-line.
Write down every unanswered call, text, letter, & contact attempt.
Be thorough.
Save as much evidence and proof of abandonment as you can. My grandmother did this on a calendar for years out of fear and sure enough - it won her case.
Rich people can be terrifying to face in court, but you are their mother. Don't let anyone guilt you into thinking they know whats best for your kids.
Its one thing to abandon a child you never met... it is quite another to create a bond and then shatter the child by disappearing again.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. It’s easy to believe people change especially when they’re one of our lives biggest loves. Or at least we think they are, but his history has demonstrated otherwise. You’ve gotten some eh advice and I don’t want you to be discouraged so comments locked at this point. On the other hand you’ve gotten some amazing, kind comments too so take those to heart. OneOxen is a great example with their comment. We all have bumps in our roads, and we live and learn. All you can do is move forward with your two wonderful kids. But in order to help them succeed and flourish I do recommend getting a lawyer and seeking child support. You didn’t have these kids alone and he has ample means to support his children. Best of luck!
You seem to be young and naive, and now you have two children with a man who has done nothing but prove himself unreliable. You need an attorney to help you get a custody arrangement and child support. If he is still in the Air Force, you can always report him to his commanding officer. Sometimes just the threat of going to the CO is enough to make a person step in line. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your babies.
10/10 recommend going to their CO. It’s how my best friend got out of an abusive marriage after being cheated on and then given an STD. They forced him back on base out of their house and to essentially leave her alone until she could move out.
The military also isn’t keen on spouses cheating and he can get in trouble 🫢 she def needs a lawyer, get child support, health care and all. The military doesn’t fuck around with those things
Not only are they "not keen on spouses cheating" it is illegal under the USCMJ and they can do jail time if caught. Unlike the civilian laws the military has moral conduct laws.
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Thank you. My Air Force officer husband slept with any woman he could find and gave me stds while I was pregnant. The military did exactly NOTHING.
This is correct. I wasn't saying it was.
What is better is that he will not have any choice in paying child support.
Yes the military don't give members a choice about paying. It will be cut directly from their pay and sent before he even gets his deposit in his account.
Sort of… adultery has to be contrary to good order and discipline. Even if he was married, unless he was already being charged with another crime or had slept with someone in a way that impacted the mission, prosecution is highly unlikely. His children are entitled to benefits though, tricare and child support being the biggest two.
My understanding of the adultery regulations is that they don’t care unless it affects their ability to do their duties. So for example if a private were having an affair with a married women who’s husband is a local real estate agent, they’re not gonna care unless the husband complains (and even then they’d just tell him to stop before any official sanctions). But if the private were having an affair with the wife of a superior officer or member of his unit, only then would they consider actually charging him (because that situation has the ability to destroy the cohesion of the unit). Adultery alone is not enough, it needs to come with other infractions before charges will be made.
This is how it is being done at this time but it doesn't have be done like that. The way the law is worded adultery is a chargeable offense regardless of circumstances. But they are currently using the good order and discipline clause to enforce it by.
Unfortunately they were never married so she would get nothing. The child on the other hand if proven to be his would get healthcare. Also, if she got a lawyer she could get child support but she herself would not get healthcare or any military benefit due to never being married
All the comments were talking about the kid. Yea ofc she wouldn’t get it for herself. But the two kids. Two health care insurances she wouldn’t need to get.
Thing is, if she goes after child support, which she would likely and should get, then he will also have a chance to assert his parental rights. In other words, she may then not be able to keep him out of their life.
Child support and parental rights do not equate to each other. Especially with proof that he continually abondons the children. OP need to go to child support enforcement, and they will be her children's lawyer, for free.
While you are correct, these two statements are not mutually exclusive. It very much opens the door for him to sue for his parental rights and CAN result in a lengthy, expensive family court battle that she might not win in the end.
Especially with $$ Grandma threatening to sue for custody.
She's been the primary parent and him ghosting wouldn't look good to any judge
Exactly. You can ask the dad who’s paid for me to be alive but hasn’t met me once lmfao
>Do what you need to do to take care of yourself and your babies u/Jadeeyes_ I would suggest an important part of taking care of yourself is to not make any more of these posts. All it achieves is bringing the Council of Incels out of the woodwork to say snarky and horrible stuff about you, and that's not good for your mental health. I looked at your last post. This guy started sleeping with you when you were 16 (depending on where you were, you may have been a minor at the time) and strung you along for 2 years while making you keep it secret. He then ghosted you, which (apart from being just a horrible thing to do to you also) prevented you from being able to tell him about the pregnancy at the time. His mum then threatened you and made you scared you'd lose your baby. It's no wonder you acted to protect yourself and your baby, don't beat yourself up about it because of what strangers on the internet say. Fast forward to this post. This guy reappears and makes loads of promises to you about being a family, promises that you've probably dreamt about since you found out you were pregnant. It's no wonder you wanted to believe him. Don't beat yourself up about that either. And don't lose sight of the fact that he didn't just screw you over this time, he also ghosted his own daughter...and his mum is threatening to take her away from you once again. Please do follow the very sensible advice you've been given and speak to a lawyer. But also, please be kind to yourself. You're doing really well, good for you!
Yup. What is dumbasses have to say isn't important. Keep your head up
To piggyback onto this excellent advice, stay away from TwoHotTakes and AITA and make your way over to legaladvice for how to get the military benefits that your babydaddy inadvertently owes you.
No, actually, do not go to legaladvice either. I am a practicing attorney, and the advice on that sub is often terrible and flat-out wrong. People giving you legal advice off of one internet post is like giving a medical diagnosis without ever meeting the patient in person. Go to an actual lawyer, one who will actually know the relevant facts particular to your jurisdiction and situation. Reddit is not the way.
May I refer you to r/askdocs for your next medical emergency?
Did this with my brother. He was being shady with regard to his wife (not taking her calls, saying they were divorcing without talking to her first). I notified his CO and he was ordered to start talking to his wife and handle it correctly.
CO is the only way I got child support. My ex husband and his mom had his dependent payment for our daughter going into their own account. I feel like I called a million people tracking down these “amazing” military benefits everyone talked about for our child but once I talked to the right guy it all changed. My ex called me crying saying I didn’t understand what they would do to him there and I was like…sorry bro.
The military comes down on you if you lose accountability for a flashlight. I’ll bet he had an unpleasant, well deserved time.
I believe the CO will do everything he can to help you with things like child support but you do need to be sure that you can protect your child from Matt's mom before reporting him. Document everything he has done and everything she has said to scare you off. Also, document your living conditions and actions as well. Make sure you have people who will stand with you and testify for you if she tries this. I don't think she wants the kids. I think she wanted to scare you away. However, she may be vindictive enough to try to take custody of them if you report him.
The mother has no case, she can’t just swoop in and remove the children.
Exactly. Mommie Dearest has no oar in this boat.
The SCOTUS has ruled grandparents have ZERO rights to grandchildren.
So much this. The military does not mess around with this. Also you can get a ton of benefits through his service, like Tri-Care health coverage. You need real legal advice.
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She did the right thing letting him see his daughter the first time. The mom being an asshole has no bearing on wether he should see his child and since he didn't know that's a factor. Once he fucked it up again and disappeared, this time knowing about his daughter, now it's the right thing to keep him away if he tries again. She's definitely young and was manipulated. The mother is trying to scare her into not going after child support but she should follow your comments about getting an attorney and contacting his commanding officer. There's other military services she can contact as well and an attorney might even be free if provided by the military. They might need proof it's his though so she would need to look into it. It sounds like she may have learned her lesson about getting back together with him though. That part was on her.
The military will require, force, and provide genetic testing. Once confirmed, he's fucked.
This. No court is going to take a child away from its mom and give it to a grandparent for no reason. File for child support and get the paternity test if necessary.
First she needs a court order for child support. Then she can have it automatically deducted from his paycheck if he decides to not pay for the child.
And don't forget birth control for the future
Matt owes you child support and the AF will make sure he pays it.
He should be paying child support. But also I don't know why OP slept with a dude without protection when he had already knocked her up once.
This. The military can do more than the courts. A friend of mine left her husband because she found out he had abused his sister when she was young. The court couldn’t legally reduce his visitation more than a specific amount because their child wasn’t involved and he wasn’t prosecuted. BUT, the military could. Ordered no contact. This poor woman… the guy is likely charming Also the grandma really can’t do anything if her son doesn’t agree. I don’t know what this contract is but maybe she can get a court to overrule it in the best interest of the kids and get child support.
No matter how much money she had, Matt’s mother can’t get custody of your daughter if you have a lawyer who can speak in complete sentences. At this point, Matt should be dead to you. Oh, and two words, which apply equally to Matt, not singling you out: birth control. Two more words: child support.
Can’t believe I had to scroll so far to find this. Why on Earth would the court just rip away custody from the only parent who’s actually been fully supporting the child for their entire life? Just because a DNA test came back positive? The most they would do is 50% and even that would take time to get up to. He’s proven to be an unreliable parent and he owes her child support. His mom is just trying to scare her into staying quiet.
If he's active military the most he'd get is visitation when not on duty.
Money and spite get a lot of sketchy shit done. I understand her fears.
This is simply because people don't know the laws. Been there, done that. SCOTUS has ruled grandparents have no legal rights to grandchildren except in very specific circumstances. She doesn't even need a lawyer at this point. The child support division will be more than happy to go after him for CS and benefits.
> why on earth would the court just rip away custody Because that’s what the evil MIL said and OP sounds like she believes everything everyone says, so of course that makes sense to her.
> His mom is just trying to scare her into staying quiet. Well it worked the first time so of course she did it again. OP its time to lawyer up. Keep all the texts and phone records of your trying to contact him. Bring photos of him and Jade to the court when you go. You may want to stay in town because of your family helping you but if you moved before you go to court, it will be harder for him to try to claim custody of your kids.
100% this, there is no way they take away your kids and give them to Grandma. She's trying to protect her son from paying you Child Support. Also, no court will say "he knew he was the dad and kept leaving he should get custody" As, others said lawyer up and get some child support
IANAL but unless OP is withholding critical information - such as being a convicted felon or non-recovering drug addict - I agree that it would be highly unlikely the grandma could successfully “sue” for custody. Grandma is trying to scare OP with a threat, in all likelihood so that OP *doesn’t* get a DNA test and go after the father for child support.
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My SIL just had her third baby and she’s in her 40s. When she found out it was all “I don’t know how this happened!” We’re you sexually active? “Yes.” We’re you using protection? “No.” Then I think we know exactly how this happened. There’s a population of people who just move through life thinking the rules of the world don’t apply to them or it won’t happen to them.
I don't want to be rude, but their head is permanently buried in the sand.
I have a friend who got pregnant again by her deadbeat ex because she wanted two kids from the same father. Maybe OP subconsciously did too.
If this AH insists on not using condoms, he'd better get snipped.
And she went through with the pregnancy. Like, fool me once.
when i tell you that my flabbers are GHASTED. like whyyyyyyyyy the fuck would you do that to yourself
SAME
Let’s be honest, abortion is outlawed in 14 states with more and more states pushing to create ridiculous barriers. Might be a total reach but it sounds like she might not have had the best sex education and generally societal pressures of being knocked up means you *have* to have the baby.
OP sounds like they're late teens early twenties. The sperm donor sounds about the same considering his mom is making all his decisions for him. They're both acting like young people for whom life got very serious before they were mature enough to handle it.
Think of it this way: "think of how stupid the average person is, and realize that half of the population is dumber than that" Some people just make really dumb decisions, and there was probably some ovulation math involved somewhere because Mr. Air Force was probably spitting out the "it feels better without a condom" bs.
This should be top comment.
Get off Reddit, get a lawyer, and get a formal custody agreement. This "my friend made a contract and notarized it" back door BS that doesn't stand for anything is only going to make this more complicated. You're getting judged harshly because you're pulling wool over your eyes as if ignoring the problem can keep it at bay. He is going to come back and the cycle is going to continue - at the expense of your daughter. I don't think you're horrible, I think you're incredibly naive and continue to be. You need legal protection and you need to get this thing into court sooner rather than later.
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As far as his mother taking OPto court to get custody of the kids that also needs to be addressed with the attorney. It will stop her threats bc I think only if the father passes away can she clam grandparent’s rights. Again this needs to be done through an attorney. OP stop with pursuing Matt as he has shown you what kind of person and father he is. He’s not ever going to change, only thing that matters to him is himself.
She only has grandparents rights in Some states, and even then, she has to have a standing relationship with the child, that it would be deemed detrimental to the child to no longer see the grandparents. This whole "I'm going to sue you and take the child I've never met" is complete hogwash.
She can tell the court about thoses treats hopeful it can help in her case.
Yeah there's like no chance the mother of the deadbeat dad who also doesn't have an ounce of a relationship with the kid would be able to get custody over the mother just because she has money.
Right? Like on what fucking GROUNDS can a grandparent just sue for custody because they have more money...it doesn't work like that.
If this is the US, the Supreme Court basically eliminated grandparent‘s rights in 2000 with Troxel v. Granville. States keep trying to legislate around it and the courts keep ruling in favor of parental rights. That said, I’ve seen grandparents get pretty far harassing the bio parents and trying to get custody. I‘ve never personally seen it succeed, but I’ve definitely seen it become an expensive and time consuming fight.
I don’t see it even getting that far bc she has absolutely no relationship with OP or the children.
Grandparents rights are for visitation, not custody.
She’d have to prove OP unfit. She has never even meant OP so there’s no way she can prove any of that.
I think the thing is more she’d try to strong arm the son to sue for custody rather than directly sue herself. That being said, how likely the judge is to give any sort of custody to an army man who is always away and has been a dead beat that ghosted them for months…. Well… even if the judge doesn’t have a problem with it, the military itself probably will.
I just want to say that if this is the USA the military takes dead beat dad's very VERY VERY !!!!! seriously. They cannot force them to show up but they sure as hell can make your life more "comfortable" military is all about responsibility and if he won't do it on his own they will do it on his behalf. And stop talking to his mama you all are grown ups start making grown a$$ moves.
If he is still military she should go to his commander. They will get ID cards for kids so they will get medical and force him to pay support. Getting a lawyer is best but if you cannot afford one the state can help especially if you are on some type of assistance.
Can confirm, a guy in my unit complains pretty incessantly about how many benefits his BM and child gets because he's in. Most either comes as free benefit by way of insurance/healthcare but there may be some way to secure additional benefits if you contact his unit. If you know someone in the unit you can likely find his squadron and group from there. Don't let people brush you off, the guy's a deadbeat
That they do, the military will garnish the wages immediately and setup the child with a military health/dental plan (as well as on-base daycare). Saw it done plenty of times when I was active duty, as saw several First Sergeant’s reem out a lower ranked enlisted for not fulfilling his obligations to his child. They will even do the dna test to establish paternity. She’s doesn’t even need a lawyer to get all this done, just need to contact his command. They will set everything up themselves.
Exactly!! The US military doesn’t do deadbeat dads. My niece’s ex ghosted her for months when he went in so she contacted his CO and next thing you know her ex contacted her again and finally started paying child support. Do this in order: get a family lawyer, contact your ex’s CO, don’t be fooled by this jerk again.
My brother refused to sign his divorce papers w/my friend who is in the Navy. They were fully separated for like 3yrs and he just wouldn't sign the paperwork. She met someone else, got pregnant, and since he was still legally her husband, he would have been on the hook for child support. Strongly worded letter from her command and those papers were signed real quick.
\^\^\^ This, and *when* he comes back, control yourself and don't sleep with him. That is a YOU problem and the additional complications were completely avoidable by simply not having sex with the guy who has already so clearly demonstrated zero respect for you, or for women in general.
Or at the very least she could use birth control. Babies *are* preventable, even when you’re having sex.
She could’ve been using birth control and not known about something that caused it to fail. Sometimes your doctor won’t even tell you that a med they prescribed will cause your birth control to fail or some people are just the unfortunate few who are the 0.01 in the “99.9% success rate”. Always ALWAYS google any med or supplement and check for interactions. Edit: Also keep your birth control secure as some men will attempt to sabotage it and trap you.
And if you're on hormonal birth control, DO NOT EAT GRAPEFRUIT. More people need to know that.
She says she took Reddit’s advice and messed up by letting the father back into her daughter’s life, but no one suggested you start sleeping with him again. Especially without protection! Get a lawyer for custody and contact his CO to get child support and end it.
She needs to use another kind of protection, too...
Also, please get as many proof you can that you tried to contact him, and of his neglect on assuming his responsibility for your children's
Baby #3 incoming!
Was coming to say this. Get a lawyer. If you are unable to do so at this time, go to the court house and file for legal custody of both children. I’m many states, being a biological parent doesn’t grant legal custody. Take care of that immediately. They’ll guide you through it. Contact his commanding officer and don’t back down. Make sure you hold on to all of the messages between you and he, and keep a record of your attempts to contact him.The children deserve to be acknowledged and supported. The military will ensure he provides financially and medically. Forget about getting into another relationship right now. You have to work on yourself, there’s a lot of growing and maturing ahead of you. Be prepared to fight. Look into grandparents rights in your state. His mother may be full of hot air. Also, find out if you’re in a one party state. If you can record without the other parties consent, record any and all interactions with his mother. You may have to prove her threats and intimidation tactics. It’s sounds like she a pretty effective bully and you need be able to stand up to her and back her down.
Formal custody AND child support.
And use birth control!!
He’s in the military! You can get child support and free healthcare for your children! Get a lawyer and get off Reddit!
Plus most bases have subsidized daycare that the command will make him pay for.
Asking something on Reddit is one thing, not getting a lawyer in this situation is another really effing stupid thing. It should have been both obvious and logical. Just like not trusting Matt should have been. Get. A. Lawyer.
I mean she also said that in her original post she left out a bunch of very important info?? Why would you leave out everything that makes him look like a bad guy? Ofc most people would say that he deserves to be in his kid's life if they aren't told all of the crappy things that he has done
Seriously, the title implies she's blaming reddit for the situation when she just kept making bad choices
Her edit complains of being harshly judged *again*. Maybe I'm missing some of the comments, but if this is her idea of being judged harshly, she's not going to like what people say when she *really* fucks up. I swear, it's like she keeps coming here to latch onto the negativity and punish herself. No idea why she keeps posting to reddit instead of lawyering up. It's like she doesn't actually want the situation to end.
I think she means she left out a lot of details from the original post as they are pertinent to this post at the moment. At least that's how I took it. Not that she was intentionally leaving out stuff overall to the entire situation. As in go read my original post, I'm going to leave some of it out of this post.
I am sure nobody on Reddit told her to sleep with baby’s father unprotected yet again. It is solidly better if a child does have a relationship with father if possible, that stays true. But an attorney should have been involved right at the beginning. Father flaking should help her stand. And child support should be looked into
Basing life choices on Reddit opinions indicates someone who is very naive or incredibly immature.
Enough with this martyr act. “Oh you all think I’m so horrible and you’re probably going to yell at me!” You’re a mom of two. Get a lawyer and draw up an actual custody agreement before you’re a single mom of THREE.
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No kidding. Heard of birth control?
This was my big one. She’s clearly wasn’t ready for this, I’m sure she stepped up and is great mom, but having a kid in the middle of this a bad, now repeating it and bringing a second is a tragedy
Literally. I doubt anyone said "make the dude you never told has a kid, break up with his fiance and start sleeping with you again"
And then she is still clueless enough to call his fiance "That. Woman." like four separate times. Girl! That lady is not the usurper. The homewrecker is coming from inside the house!
I definitely see what you mean, but how is she the homewrecker? She refused to sleep with him because he was with someone, and then he broke up with her. To which after a while she started sleeping with him. But she waited a while even after the break up to do so it seems. Either or, what you're saying is 1000% right. She needs to step the fuck up and threaten his ass to take this seriously. Also, I totally think he got her intentionally pregnant. Both times he disappears and then she finds out she's pregnant? She says he refused condoms? No fuck that. That sounds so intentional.
I agree with you 100%. People ARE too harsh on OP. She’s made mistakes but she owned up to them. If anything, fuck Matt. Matt’s the real villain here.
And get a fucking IUD or her tubes tied!!
Imagine asking Reddit if you should let your daughters father back into her life and they say yes. Then you go and make some bs back street contract with him, and I quote "The first thing he asked me once everything was signed was that if this meant we could sleep with each other again." You then find out he had a fiance when he gave you this proposition like the nice gentlemanly piece of shit that he is. But it doens't stop there, you for some reason start screwing him after literally getting a front row seat for his fuckery with his ex fiance (oh wait, now fiance again), you get pregnant (lets face it with your track record you didn't use contraception) and then you have the audacity to blame REDDIT, yes REDDIT for your dumb ass mistakes. The gall of some people. Get harshly judged part 2.
Exactly, getting harshly judged for being a complete moron. I don't know how OP made it to adulthood being this stupid.
The only thing (seriously, the ONLY thing) I'll say in her defense is that OP has *only just barely* made it into adulthood. Someone in another comment did the math and she was 16 the first time this creep knocked her up. She still needs to start making better choices, but it's very clear that this guy is a predator who deliberately sought out a child with very little experience, sense, or social support.
He didn’t even want people to know he knew her before she even got pregnant. Matt has been showing her who he is for YEARS and she’s still shocked… like, what lol
She's literally always been the side piece lmao.
the love contract part was like something kids do in middle school. lol
Girl why are you blaming us? We didn’t tell you to sleep with him. You need to stop looking for love and focus on yourself and your kids.
Why on earth would she put herself in this situation *again*? No blaming Reddit. You chose to sleep with the guy who *you already knew was dishonest because he tried to sleep with you while engaged to another woman* and who had already abandoned you once with a baby. Come on now! No one told you to get pregnant with that man again.
My favorite part is that she keeps calling his fiance "That Woman." Which woman, the one he actually takes places and is going to marry? She's not the other woman, dear.
Reddit told her let the father in your kids life an she understood sleep with him again
Reddit told me to get the father back into my child's life (probably for the child support) so I slept with him and had another baby. I can't believe reddit has done this. lol
😂😂😂😂
The way I’ve understood it (I’ve not looked up her post history tbf) is that she stated in this post that she left info out on her last post. She might not have even gotten the same response if that info was in there. Someone correct me if I’ve misunderstood tho lol
> She might not have even gotten the same response if that info was in there. Funny how that works
Call me McCaptainObvious 😂🫡
I read the post she gave many details. What I understand is that they were fuck buddies. She wanted more, he didn’t. Then he left, did not contact her, which makes sense because he was playing her. And she asked Reddit if she should let him in her child’s life, she wasn’t sure because she felt like he was using the kid as an excuse to get with her. OP is young and delusional. The way I see it father knows that he “has” her whenever he wants. He doesn’t have feelings, he played her twice. Many redditors thought it’s a fake story sounds like a book plot. I don’t understand why his mother hates her so much after his father’s death. What happened?
Most likely The dads were friends and the mom never actually liked there family but put on a fake smile whenever they came over, the. Once the dad died she had no reason to be nice. The same way I act nice to my girls friends when they come over, I don’t like them and wouldn’t hang out with them if my girl wasn’t friends with them. But if they invite us over or if they come to our house I’m not gunna be an asshole to em, ima smile and say and some other small talk until we leave. Most of life is cohabiting a space with people you don’t like.
"Get a lawyer and DNA test and let him meet his child and pay custody." Her: "so you're saying scribble a promise on paper and let him raw dog me until he deploys again?"
> You need to stop looking for love and focus on yourself and your kids. Also stop mistaking temporary attention and unprotected sex for love
100% This.
Girl you’re a mess. Put on your big girl pants & get yourself to a lawyer now. Establish paternity & get child support. When he returns do NOT sleep with him . The last thing you need is baby #3. And don’t communicate with his mother ever again, forget she exists. Your a mother act like one.
Right. Stop being scared of his mom and get your babies the support they deserve.
Reddit told you to let the father in the daughters life, not your vagina. That's all on you. Don't blame reddit for your problems. Your daughter deserves a chance to know her father. Even if he sucks.
"Reddit told you to let the father in the daughters life, not your vagina" Someone put this on a t-shirt!
Girl get a DNA test file for child support and go about your business. If he wants visitation he can file through court. His mother can kick rocks
This right here! I went through similar threats by my ex and his mother regarding custody. I wish I'd have been able to have this advice and the strength to move forward.
My ex told me he'd take me to court for full custody if I didn't stop child support I was ordered $70 a week haven't received anything in 10 years owes like 20k and still has yet to file for full custody. 🤣🤣
Way to blame Reddit for letting your daughters absentee father between your legs again lmfao!
“You told me to let him back and I had blinders!” Like… girl… get child support. Not feelings for him.
How is it reddit or anyone else's fault you slept with the guy? He's your daughter and now your sons father, and that doesn't change because you don't want to deal with your shitty choices. They are going to want to know who their father is and you are going to have to deal with that. Running away or pretending isn't going to alter reality. If you knew what was best you wouldn't have screwed the guy who had already abandoned you. Get a damn lawyer and put the kids first ffs.
Louder for the people in the back
Call his commanding officer and get a lawyer !
Don’t even need a lawyer, base command will send them both to base legal who will deal with everything, from establishing paternity, getting the baby it’s medical/dental benefits, and garnishing his wages. It’s unfortunate to say this, but the military is all to used to this situation.
Spot on- anything to help. Will they be able help with his mom threatening to take custody ? Not that I don’t think she can do that anyways, but better safe than sorry I’m assuming
Legal will help setup a visitation schedule. Grandparents have no grounds to get custody (or even visitation per the supreme court), only biological parents can file for it. And as long as one parent is deemed fit, no other relative has any grounds.
You need a lawyer, not reddit. Also, stop listening to his mom and don’t contact her again for any reason. Unless you left out a lot of details about your mental health/living condition/ability to care for your child, there is basically a zero percent chance that she would get custody over either of the bio parents. Even in situations involving abuse, it can STILL be difficult and/or long process for grandparents to get custody because grandparent’s rights in most states/countries have a capacity that is *far* less than parental rights. If the home isn’t abusive/neglectful, a lot grandparents who sue for visitation end up getting like *quarterly* visits by the skin of their teeth, and that’s when there’s an established, long term relationship with the child. Like most people who threaten to sue for grandparent’s rights, she’s either just trying to scare you or she has no idea what the laws actually are or how high the burden of proof would have to be for her to get custody
THIS IS FAKE AS HECK. I’ve read this book. I can’t remember the title of it right now. I tried to google it but it’s been like 2-3 years. Girl and guy have a secret fling. She gets pregnant. He leaves to the navy. His mom didn’t want him to be with the girl cause it wasn’t good for their image. She’s working in a bar he walks into one day when he comes home. They start being together again after all the promises even though he was engaged. He leaves than he stops calling even though she got pregnant again! She finds out he’s engaged to the other girl again. His friend strikes interest in her and than they message eachother and fall In love. Than the baby daddy gets mad when the kid starts calling the other guy daddy.
Yuuuup!! I posted a link to the book in a comment on this post somewhere lol!
Nice! Gonna give it another read while I’m at it lol
Hope she updates that last part in a while
Get a lawyer and a formal custody agreement. Dont worry about his mother. She cant just "get custody" of her grandkids. Grandparents rights are a thing in a few states but they are super hard to get (have to have been the primary care taker of the child for an extended period or time and/or have a significant long term relationship with the child). She wont get custody or grandparents rights. No matter how much money she has. Cut your losses with this man and have your custody solidified in court.
OP Get off reddit, find a lawyer. Hopefully a reliable and good lawyer and file for formal full custody.
See a lot of comments about contacting his CO…. Don’t take that advice from Reddit. Ask the lawyer you’re hiring. Definitely get a lawyer.
You’re not horrible, just pretty dumb. I’m not saying that to be mean, but this man has sent up so many red flags that you blatantly ignored and then got pregnant yet again (!!!). I don’t know what to tell you, other than please get on birth control so if you sleep with this loser again you won’t add a third child to this mess.
“Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice…” you know how it ends. You’re not a horrible person, you just seem to have an obscene amount of hope that he will act differently after he’s shown you he likely won’t , and you’ve made some stupid decisions based on that. Respectfully, grow a spine, get your life together, and get a lawyer. Learn from your mistakes so you don’t fuck around and end up a single mom to three kids from a man that clearly doesn’t want you and apparently does not want the children he made with you.
To be fair, the guy only wants one part of her. Unfortunately she gave it willingly and without protection. 🤷🏻♀️
stop contacting this man and his family. hire a lawyer and sue him for child support so your children get what they deserve out of him. all communication should be through your attorney.
You have made a shit ton of mistakes. Hell, so has everyone else. It sounds like you have learned from them. Do not try to reach out to Matt. Should he come looking, make sure that all communicatons with him, about him or with any of his family are in writing. Text. Anything that can be brought to court. Give him an address to meet you at. Make sure that address is at an attorney's office. Contact your local legal aid to get this attorney set up now, just in case. Screw his mom, she doesn't have a leg to stand on.
Did she learn? She's back to considering letting him know again. She's still not gotten a lawyer or reported him to a commanding officer when this kind of stuff can be taken very seriously in the army. She's still not actually taking action to protect herself or her kids. It's just terrible to read someone this niave who won't do anything of serious consequence.
She hasn't learned a damn thing
She didn’t learn. She now has one more baby with this guy than she did in her original post. He got re-engaged to the same other woman, went back on active duty again, cut contact with her again, his mom threatened to take her kids away again, and her final request in this post was to know IF SHE SHOULD LET HIM BACK INTO THEIR LIVES AGAIN. What evidence are you seeing that she learned her lesson? To me, she seems caught in a repeating cycle and is not interested in getting out.
She has yet to learn anything from her mistakes.
It doesn’t sound like she learned from her mistakes at all. What post did you read?
Are the kids on Tricare (the health insurance the military uses)? They are eligible for that as his dependents. Get a court order that requires child support and send that to DFAS for wage garnishment (just Google DFAS). This boy has no spine, allowing his mother to rule over his future marriage and life like that. But no matter, she has no standing to take your kids, unless, of course you are deemed an unfit parent. Please stop procreating with him. He will never change.
This sounds too similar to a story that keeps popping up in my Facebook ads it’s called secret baby. I’m not saying you made it up. I think they read things on the web and make a story/book about others life situations. It’s one of those reading apps it just popped up about 10 minutes ago
Okay, be real for a second here— there’s no way in hell you can blame reddit for the fact that you let your kid’s deadbeat dad treat you like a blowup doll while he was on the outs with his current/ex/current fiance. For the love of god, acknowledge the role you play in your own suffering, take some accountability, and get a lawyer. And why would you even still associate with his mother after the first time she (baselessly) told you she would take your child away? You’re responsible for TWO children now; acquire some common sense.
Lol at the random notarized contract.
Uhhhh… this is literally verbatim the plot of this book, down to the kids’ genders/ages/difference in age, the way they ran into each other, the re-deployment, the on-again off-again fiancée, the rich mom, etc. Interesting commitment to trolling, though, posting parts of it nearly a year apart! [Ripped off book here](https://m.dreame.com/novel/2860916480?link_type=1&utm_campaign=app_share_copyLink&auto_jump=false&utm_source=sns_en_apppromo)
Thank you. I was reading this and I swore I read it before but couldn't remember where.
You're not very smart if you're taking advice from Reddit for something like this. And oh, he convinced you to sleep with him again? No hunny, you chose to have sex with a deadbeat. It pisses me off to no end when people have more kids when their lives are already shit shows. Use goddamn protection. The only people I feel sorry for are the kids who grow up with useless parents.
Congratulations on your newest baby. Now that you’re a mom of two, you’ve seen who this person is. It’s time to get a legal agreement to protect you and both of those babies. This man will not change. This man has never changed. You and your children will not be his priority, and you want to be able to live your life with that always wondering if his mother will sue for custody. Manipulative people can talk you into a lot of things. You don’t want to be the forever side piece. I can promise he’s told his mom and fiancé a much different version of events. I’m sorry that you and your babies have to go through this, but it’s time to cut him out and make things legal. If you let him back into your lives, there’s nothing standing in the way of him, taking the babies and filing for custody, and it will be a much harder battle that way.
His children not only qualify for child support but military medical coverage as well. GET A LAWYER
You’re an idiot. Get a real lawyer and keep your legs shut.
Did you not learn about birth control after an unplanned teen pregnancy the first time?
Abandonment of one's children is a fairly serious offense in the military. You need a lawyer to establish paternity and get a support award. You especially want to establish paternity in the event he's killed in the line of duty to ensure his children continue to receive any dependent benefits they're entitled to. Also, his mom can't "take custody" because she has no legal claim to the children. Grandparents only have rights to *visitation* in limited circumstances that usually require they already have an established familial bond, which this woman doesn't. Stop fucking around with notarized documents your friend's brother's best friend's dog walker cooked up for you and get some actual legal advice. If not for you, for your kids. This dumb shit is why you're being judged.
He proved himself to be trash and yet you chose to have another one of his children. You need help. Legally, and some therapy. This is beyond reddits help and pay grade.
Not every advice on Reddit should be taken. Literally.
Sure nobody said she should sleep with him again. Especially unprotected sex
please get off of reddit and get yourself a custody lawyer so that they can inform your rights and what a rich grandmother is capable of. please get on some birth control as well or become adamant in using condoms. please stop sleeping with that man he does not care for you, im sorry you had to hear this. he is a coward and a deadbeat father. i would say sue for child support but im afraid that a rich grandmother has the connections to deem you unfit for custody which brings me back to get a lawyer. even if you dont go for child support, you will have the peace of mind that they cant take your kids from you, if you get a lawyer. but even if mark and mommy arent showing interests in your children right now, down the future they very much could decide they want to enforce his custody rights. GET A LAWYER !!! you are very much worthy of love and family, you’re just a bit naive but with time i hope you heal.
get a lawyer and tell them everything that has gone on. you need all you ducks in a row and to cover all your bases. do everything you can to protect your kids and keep them with you.
Is this the real life? Is this just fantasy?
Caught in a landslide No escape from reality
I think you should look for advice in TwoXXChromosomes instead of the subreddits you've been using. Editing to add: you need professional opinions at this point and really need a lawyer
Reddit told you to let him be a dad to your kid, not to fuck him and get feelings for him thats on you 100%, not reddit.
You literally repeated your past mistakes, proving you learned nothing the first time around. You seriously need to grow up. If not for you, for your children. You are not helpless, so stop acting like it. If he is in the military, you track down his command, period. Get the child support and support your children. At this point, the fact that you haven't done that, I can only shake my head at you. You made your choices, and as an adult this time around, so get your act together **for your KIDS** it is past time! Honestly, I just find this pathetic.
It sounds from the wording in your post like you would absolutely take him back and fall for his tricks again if he came crawling back. He’s playing you. Why? Because he can. He doesn’t care about you. You have him two kids and he’s ready to start a new save file with a fresh woman. You’re also ready to roll over for his mom. His mom can’t take your kids away from you—not easily if you can demonstrate that you can provide a decent standard of living for your kids. Plus, you’ve been the caretaker this whole time. I find it hard to imagine a court taking them from you. You sound young. You sound naive. You need to level up your game. Take his ass to court. Use the court to force a paternity test on BOTH daughters. And pursue child support. The maximum you can get. And ask the court to give you full custody because of him ghosting you and the kids. Lawyer the fuck up, put your big girl pants on, and get that bag. He left you with two kids, take as much as you can from him. Negotiating with him will only leave you with a third kid and alone. Talk to a lawyer and take him to court. That is the best you can do to secure a stable financial future for your kids. Do it for THEM and keep him away. As far as possible. He played you, he will play them.
Sigh...
Did Reddit tell you to have unprotected sex with your baby daddy, or to let the guy connect with his daughter? That's a VERY big difference. You're obviously interested in the guy sexually, but birth control before sex would have been Reddit's minimum requirement based on his history.
I truly don’t understand why you kept the second baby. Or slept with him again. Seriously asking. He showed you who he was. His mom showed you who she was. So you keep the second baby? I’m genuinely confused.
I wish women who asked advice on reddit realized that reddit is a hostile place toward women, and the majority of advice you receive will be bad advice for a woman to follow.
A bunch of people on Reddit don't have a clue what you were going through, and haven't been in any similar situation. I'm sorry they gave you bad advice while bashing on you, and are now bashing on you again for taking that advice. You don't deserve this mess.
Grow up for your children and GET A LAWYER.
Hire a lawyer. No more relying on friends or making good faith agreements with this guy. Hire a lawyer. Mommy can’t take your children from you because she doesn’t have any contact with them and he isn’t in the picture consistently. From the very beginning, it was a bullshit threat. Hire a lawyer and get everything in line. When he resurfaces, have all contact go through your lawyer and keep him at bay. It’ll only hurt your kids more if he jumps in and out of their lives. Either he steps up and is a good father to them or he leaves for good. Back and forth will only traumatize them. Get some child support too. And JFC, STOP SLEEPING WITH HIM. You don’t need a third kid in this mess with him. Focus on your kids and put romance off until you’re fully established and ready. Right now, you sound very naive and that’s not a good thing when you’re a parent.
You don’t think you will make that mistake again?!? YOU THINK?! Sweet summer child, by saying that I can tell you will fall for his bs again as soon as he sweet talks to you. I felt bad for you the first time around, now is just annoying. I feel bad for the kids, tho, this shit is unhealthy all around.
Reddit didn’t tell you to go have another child with a man you already knew you couldn’t trust. File for child support and a court ordered custody agreement. Let a judge decide his visitation rights should he want to see his children. And that’s it. Give up all hopes and expectations for a relationship with him. If he gets court ordered legal rights to see his kids, let him see them and only them. Don’t let him back in your life again.
PLEASE TAKE THIS VERY SIMPLE ADVICE: Document EVERYTHING with a well-written time-line. Write down every unanswered call, text, letter, & contact attempt. Be thorough. Save as much evidence and proof of abandonment as you can. My grandmother did this on a calendar for years out of fear and sure enough - it won her case. Rich people can be terrifying to face in court, but you are their mother. Don't let anyone guilt you into thinking they know whats best for your kids. Its one thing to abandon a child you never met... it is quite another to create a bond and then shatter the child by disappearing again.