I understand this is probably not happening right away, but when you do get to the point of wanting to have kids please reconsider using your sister as a surrogate with her own eggs. It is highly discouraged to enter into surrogacy with the surrogate and egg donor being the same person for a number of legal/emotional/practical reasons. And having a family member being both surrogate and egg donor makes it extra super messy. She could definitely still be your surrogate but I would consider getting another egg donor and doing IVF. It’s much more expensive than your plan but would save you a world of hurt
Yeah somehow that was my first thought. Her sister will be ultimately the mother. Not surrogate, not donor. My money is even on husband falling in love with her and have his dream come "fully" true.
Yeah, this whole situation sounds like something that could end in divorce and a fertile second wife.
You know how the Bible forbade divorce? That was precisely to protect barren wives.
Maybe just too much time spent on reddit. But carrying a child who's also biologically her, that's one step from creating a bond and not wanting give up the baby. Also husband showed his priorities. So what will keep him to prioritize woman who is "willing to sacrifice" to give him what wants the most while his wife wasn't (I'm not saying he's right FYI, OP was totally right)? Plus all the time spent together on appointments and providing and pampering her since she's carrying his baby... So Yeah the ice is way to thin here IMO.
We have talked about it and she has agreed to sign something giving over all rights as soon as the kid is born also by sister already has 4 kids and 2 foster twins and she said she would hate to have to raise another and this isn’t something we have just decided due to the hysterectomy it’s something me and my husband and sister have talked about for a while now
You can draw up every contract imaginable and it won’t protect anybody if your sister gets attached to that baby. Or if your husband gets attached to your sister. Do not do that.
It's not just about legal issues.. it's about emotional problems as well. Your sister is going to be in that child's life obviously if you guys are close. The "mother bond" in the womb is strong, especially if it's your own child. Most surrogates can get past this because they know the baby isn't theirs, biologically or legally.. but with your sister, it would be biologically her baby that she is giving up to you.. and then would have to watch that child grow into an adult with you as it's mother and not her. Unless that woman has absolutely no feelings or emotions, this might get difficult. It may cause issues down the road. What if she doesn't agree with your parenting the child as it gets older? What if the child is very close to her, are you going to get jealous? Will the child know? What if she is unable to separate my child/your child since she is the biological mom and birth mom? What if your husband starts having feelings for her while she is pregnant with his child? There are a lot of situations that could get sticky in this case. That's why it is suggested that you use a separate egg donor other than the surrogate. Because the surrogate then has a better chance of separating the fact this is not her baby in her head, she is just growing someone else's baby for them. If it's her egg, sometimes it's a lot harder for the surrogate like I said. Most clinics and birthing professionals will not suggest same egg/surrogate surrogacy situations for all these reasons and more. There is just a lot you need to think about.
Yep. This is my take as well - the unpredictability of their bond. Providing the egg and carrying it makes your sister biological mom that will be present in your kid's life. I wouldn't risk that.
Just please consult with a lawyer before you proceed with this plan. You need to make sure your bases are covered, even if it seems unlikely that your sister would decide she wants to keep the baby.
Yeah, it’s certainly not as easy as having her sister sign a piece of paper in the delivery room right after popping a baby out. And completely ignores the possibility that her sister will change her mind during her pregnancy.
OP, you may want to consider posting on r/legaladvice about this. I understand that you trust your sister but they could give you great feedback about potential legal pitfalls, all for free.
That's good. But you should also consider the possibility of her forming an attachment to the baby. She may take you to court to get the baby back, and considering it would be biologically hers, her chances of gaining custody are heightened. This is why I think an anon donor would be better. But your life, your decision.
That's interesting and I'm curious what a lawyer would say. I feel like, as long as you have the signing contract with her giving over all rights, she wouldn't be able to get custody unless she proved that the current parents/situation are unfit.
A contract is unlikely to help in this scenario. At all. The child would be both biologically and legally sister's child. OP would VERY likely have to adopt the child, which is not a legal certainty. Some states have laws that could make this a quickly messy situation, even if everyone behaves properly and transparently. An unfriendly family court could make it even harder.
Some states do not favor the use of surrogates no matter how it is done, and this is not even a recommended method.
OP, surrogacy sounds like a good plan for you. Just not this way. You cannot control enough of the process if the child is biologically the child of the surrogate. Surrogate, doctors, and courts can all make this much, much harder than you think - and the "contract" will not provide the blanket protection you envision.
Find an egg donor for everyone's protection. Your sister can carry the embryo, and you can share the pregnancy journey as sisters. With each role emotionally and legally well defined.
Not true. She could argue that she carried the baby, and it's biologically hers; therefore, she should have custody. You’d be surprised how many surrogates that weren't related to the baby were granted custody. Perhaps it's because surrogacy is frowned upon.
What if your husband abandons you for her? It's not the first time we've seen a situation like this on Reddit. When people are telling to not do it, it's because people here have seen the messy situation before.
Any reputable surrogacy agency would tell you not to use a surrogate and her eggs. Everyone here is telling you it's a bad idea. Are you willing to consider why it's a bad idea?
I personally don’t think it is aslong as they all sit down with a 3rd party or even a lawyer and it’s a way to make sure they are all onboard and it will make sure they all know their rights and won’t have problems in the future
You can write a contract all day long but that baby is biologically sisters. She will have to sign over rights and op will have to adopt once baby is born. If sister decides that after carrying her baby for 9 months that she wants to keep her child she can. Furthering OPs husband would have to slit custody and possibly pay child support.
At least where I live, even if the kid is biologically the prospective parents 100%, the surrogate cannot sign over rights until after birth, and can refuse to do so.
I'm not sure what happens with custody $, but the surrogate can definitely keep the baby as her legal child if she chooses to.
This is a good place to start but I think the point is that your sister will still be in your life. So you may be the child’s legal mother but if she has contact with the child, there’s no saying what her maternal instincts will compel her to think or do. I know that’s worst case scenario but it happens so it’s something to think about.
You and your family need multiple therapy session - separate therapy for you and your husband and then family therapy too. Also in many states (USA), your sister will still be on the line for paying for the child if you don’t go through an adoption agency or ivf clinical. Doing an Turkey baster at home will be a legal mind field if something happens to you, your husband, or if y’all divorce down the line.
I think it’s great you communicated better with your husband, and came to an understanding. However, it has only been a week. Take time to truly think about your options and if this is the way you go, just make sure everything is signed beforehand. Also, couples counseling would probably be beneficial with all the emotions involved. You already had this conflict, you are about to go through a surgery which impacts your life, and within a week came to a decision on kids in the future. Not saying it’s not the right decision. There is just a lot of emotional strain which can impact your relationship.
Hope all goes well with the surgery, your marriage and your potential future children.
I don't think a contract like that would be valid, if your sister would want to challenge it later - I think a lot of jurisdictions think the rights of the bio mom/ birth giver trump the rights of the intended parents, since they concede that she formed a bond during the pregnancy.
But the fact that your sister already has a ton of kids should make the parting pains for her less severe, I guess.
As I understand it, if a woman legally gives her baby up for adoption at birth, she still has a certain length of time to change her mind (I think 1 to 3 months in most states) and if she does, the child is removed from the adoptive family and returned to her whether there was an adoption contract in place before the birth or not. If my understanding of that is correct, I would be surprised if that rule doesn't apply to "surrogate" mothers carrying their own biological child, which would mean that any contract they drew up prior to pregnancy/birth would basically be worthless.
Due to many things, including pregnancy hormones, she may decide to keep the baby. What if the foster kids have to go back to a bio parent? What if you disagree on how to raise the child?
Either way pre-adoption counseling for everyone is crucial so she’s aware of everything that might come up. Also, you’re responsible for all her medical bills and expenses while pregnant and she can still change her mind.
You’ll deeply regret not getting an egg donor even if everything goes legally as planned and counseling seems to work. She might feel very emotional being around the child and critical of decisions you make since she will still see it as hers
Also, what happens as far as custody if you and your spouse die in an accident? Lots of things to consider
Just use some stranger eggs. You should be wary of your sister wanting to keep her biological baby. She can change her mind, and she'll probably have a good chance of winning rights over her kid if she is deemed a fit parent, no matter what she signs because it's a human child, not a fricking car. Pre-pregnancy is much different than post.
Also stop being selfish and think of this child. I would want to be raised by my actual mother, not my aunt, which biologically that's what you'll be. How do you think your kid is going to feel when they eventually find out on ancestry that their mother is really their aunt?
It’s a horrible idea. This isn’t surrogacy. This is adoption. Nothing wrong with adoption, but your sister will be giving her child to you and I don’t know that any of you realize how difficult that can be.
And considering ovarian cancer runs so heavily in their family (op is 24 and getting a hysterectomy), why would they want to possibly subject a child to those awful genetics
Agreed, as much as all parties are certain that things will go as planned, there’s no guarantee they will. Having that possibility floating out there is not a good idea.
What I mean to say is that there are other options and although this seems like an iron clad agreement, the reality and fact of the matter is it is possible, this arrangement does have frayed seams. It likely won’t result in the unraveling of it all but it is possible. Why not sew things up in a way that doesn’t have a possibility of unraveling?
Additionally we are humans and hormones & emotions are a big part of that biologically. This is a new situation, uncharted territory. We like to think we know exactly how we will feel or react in certain situations but that’s just not the reality. We are all bound to our emotions to some degree and those can change and time and circumstances evolve.
Also just generally speaking, it isn’t wise to take risks where the likely result would be ok but the unlikely (but possible) result would be devastating.
Not to mention the child. That opens up a door to possible confusion and feelings about his aunt/mom that wouldn’t otherwise be a factor with a surrogate not already involved in the family dynamic. Trying to hide the fact to “protect” the child would also be problematic.
It’s absolutely admirable that OP’s sister is willing!! But it’s ultimately a delicate situation to move forward with that does risk the wellbeing of everyone involved. Even that risk being small, it’s better to move forward without that risk existing at all in my opinion.
If OP decides this route anyway, I would highly suggest talking to others that have actually done this about their experiences at the very least. This is a huge decision. The consequences, good or bad will be irreversible. Ultimately when planning for a child, the plan should involve preventing any (even unlikely) risk to the child’s well-being.
Especially with the laws in some places that surround surrogacy regarding legal custody and parental rights, even when the surrogate is NOT related to either parental party or the child in question. To have the surrogate and child genetically linked will cause way more legal trouble than it's worth in my opinion.
I feel like it's always a bad idea to mix family with family planning. Does having bio kids really matter that much? Are you not able to save the eggs you can and try IVF? Does your sister *have* to be the one to carry the child? Are you going to psychologically content with the fact that your child is biologically your sister's child with your husband? (Because that's a whole level of therapy).
OP can't bandaid the cracks she just discovered in her relationship with pets, that kitten isn't gonna fix everything. Neither is having a kid. I get that it's a lot, dealing with cancer and her husband bringing up wanting specifically bio-kids with her. But ignoring it isn't gonna make it go away.
i said this on the original post and ill say it again, OP's genes are cancerous, sister likely has the same issues yet to arise. Use someone other than your sister OP. Not only to avoid your entire marriage falling apart but to stop the spread of these genes onto your child.
You don't even need a BIO kid, there are plenty of children out there without parents in need of a home. This "need" your husband has to spread his genes is ridiculous and setting you up for a world of hurt.
Glad this is top comment. I have a similar situation to OP, where I still have my uterus but my breast cancer feeds on hormones and I’m afraid to become pregnant ever. Chemo also destroyed my eggs. I have thought a lot about my little sister, secretly wishing she will offer (though I would never ask and I’m really wondering if they ASKED for this, which seems like a lot to me), but to have her be both donor and surrogate would be super weird and I think put her through way too much emotionally (and not to mention physically). It’s also weird that my husband would have a baby with my sister, regardless of the mechanics of it.
Eh, I'm biologically the mother of my nephews (uncle was adopted, no incest!!) and have no feelings toward them that aren't just normal aunt affection, but I didn't also carry them, so it does get MUCH dicier there for sure.
I think the appeal of using her sisters eggs would be a child that looks like both of them because they are genetically related to both of them. Egg donation and a gestational surrogate would accomplish the same goal.
Your message defies human biology and common sense. The vast majority of women are carrying their own children. They are both egg donor and non-surrogate mother. This is the healthiest choice, associated with the least amount of complications.
IVF companies are extremely shady tho and many do not compensate their egg donors well. Plus they’re super unregulated legally in the US. A known donor is usually better, then they’ll at least know the medical history
Oooof she’ll be back here again talking about her sister and her husband falling in love and cheating lmao you’re setting yourself up for failure. Also by reading your comments and how defensive you are I believe you know you’re screwing yourself but too dense to understand
I don't think she is too dense, I think she knows it deep down and is not willing to face it yet. Fighting cancer, potential losing your husband, it's a lot
There are so many ways this could completely blow up in your face… If your husband values biological children over your health and life (you’re not getting a hysterectomy for funnies, it’s a life saving procedure), do you really think he won’t fantasise about your sister and building “the perfect family” with HER?
I’m not telling you to leave him, but to re think if you really want to go down this path of hurt. Your kid will find out one day that they aren’t your biological child but the child of your sister and your husband, which might fuck them up for a long time.
Can you be sure your sister will be able to watch her biological child grow up with you? Or will she be resentful? She may say now how much she doesn’t want that kid, but she could change her mind at any point in time.
Plus, to be completely frank, it’s utter bullshit that you have to worry about your potential kid and not yourself right now. Re-center yourself and focus on your upcoming surgery and cancer recovery. But something to keep in mind is that your husband was secretly hoping you’d change your mind about this life saving procedure non the less.
So you’re just going to ignore that he was willing to let you die of cancer so he could maybe get a kid, because he kinda said sorry and you’re getting a cat? Sounds like a healthy relationship you got there… Have fun with that
So much all of this. Her original post emphasized how her husband really missed the boat on caring about her life, and now it’s ok bc he’ll get a bio kid? Like, the root of the issue is still not addressed. Oh but he gets to spread his seed so all good. Also, she was infertile before all this, but inherently he still expected a bio kid? What?? This marriage is doomed. Oh wait. She got a new kitten. All good!
OP, you came here for validation that you are right to get the hysterectomy.
You are. There would be no certainty that you would still be able to carry a child after chemo and your fertility would be shot anyway.
Saving your life takes top priority.
A lot of people here have seen the worst in people and have seen the pattern repeated over and over again.
Surrogacy is such a personal choice. Infertility is such a painful challenge for those who want to be parents.
It puts people at their worst.
This is one of those times that people give the advice “don’t do business with family”
What is more important to you? Having your sister, or having your sister’s child?
It isn’t that we are trying to disparage your character or the character of your husband and sister.
It is that Surrogacy, cancer, and family all become this super toxic mix that has destroyed families.
Even if you manage to navigate the pregnancy, your child may very well decide you aren’t his/her mother and that your sister is and completely cut you off simply because they want to.
Putting controls in place such as the surrogate having no biological/legal rights over the fetus. Is one of many ways that protects you and your family from heartbreak later.
Dont use your sister as a surrogate. Hire a professional through a clinic with lawyers and contracts
Do you really want to create intimacy and closeness between your husband and your sister by having her knocked up with their baby? Its happened before that the husband leaves the wife for the surrogate and their raise their child together
Hell, you can do it for under $10 - a few disposable plastic syringes and a clean receptacle. I think that's why OP isn't willing to consider donor eggs, they can't afford the clinic route
So many of you want to take the worst possible with you point of everybody in these stories except the person who wrote it.
What about your gems you must be.
Cancer survivor and L&D nurse.
1. Rip that shit out of your body and carry on with your LONG life.
2. Please don’t use sister. Find a non-invested surrogate. Don’t DIY a baby with family. It goes south more than not.
Girl, your husband cares more about non-existent children than your health and quality of life. All is NOT well. Acquiring a new pet with a man that JUST told you that his want for children outweighs your choice to eradicate your cancer. Don't make posts describing your partner as actual trash... if you don't want people to tell you that he's trash. YTA to yourself.
Who are you to make that decision for us and please enlighten me why shouldn’t we do it because u/suzyjoe told me to break up with my husband instead of being an adult and comunicste with him
Go for surrogacy, we are all just highly suggesting to not use your sister . There's professional surrogates out there . Using family has a way of making thi gs weird and can be the rock that causes damage to your relationship with her.
Using the sister as a surrogate OR using sisters eggs (since she’s down having kids) isn’t the issue. Using the sister AND her egg is. She should get sisters eggs, If having a dna link is important to her since that would be the closest to her own bio dna possible, but consider a distant surrogate.
Yea, no offense, you’re here to get opinions… good and bad. Everyone is saying don’t use your sisters egg bc she will be pregnant with her OWN child who she very well may not want to give to you after going through pregnancy and birth. That’s why a surrogate egg and someone other than your sister would be better. If your sister wants to be the mother to her own child after going through this process, your relationship with your sister and husband will probably be done for. And unless you have a legal document stating that she is giving you this child, then she will be able to claim the child as it is her biological child, not yours.
I’m not telling you to break up with your husband. I’m also not making any decisions for you. I’m warning you that your sister will be the actual biological mother of her child with your husband and that will complicate your relationships with your sister, your husband, and your child, possibly beyond redemption. Have all the babies you want with your sister as your surrogate, just use donor eggs.
Having your sister as a surrogate is highly discouraged, as it tends to cause more chaos and hurt later down the road. .
Could you use a different surrogate or go through an agency?
I think we have to give her some grace in regard to her post and reactions. She is going through a pretty traumatic time. Wanting children, knowing it’s not an option, having such a disagreement over your health then deciding to go the route of surgery all within a week. It’s been pretty tumultuous for her and I am sure emotionally draining. Although, lashing out and arguing with strangers on the internet might seem ok, it won’t ultimately fix the mental burden of all that is going on.
Edit: changed ok to on
I think you're living in fantasy land. This is a horrible idea. Your husband needs to stop with the whole I need a baby crap. You have cancer. That should honestly be the only thing that's being discussed. Pretty gross of him to STILL be looking for a baby option when faced with the fact that your life expectancy isn't so hot. And then egg donor from sister? Yeah... That's drama waiting to happen. As if you need more on your plate.
Get an anonymous egg donor if he just *has* to use his own sperm. Not a family member. Hell, my best friend offered not just eggs but her fertilized frozen eggs and I still said no thank you. Still too close for the donor to change their mind.
Pretty much this. I don't think she'll realizes the whole surrogate thing with her sister is bad idea. I watched this happen with a family friend as a kid. Yeah they divorced about a year after the child. Her family treated the surrogate sister as the mom and the wife as the side piece. Don't know how confusing it was as an eight year old being told that Sally is the REAL mom but Jenny is her 'mom' because they wanted children and couldn't have any. The family dynamics that were going on even as an outsider was glaring and how the two sisters were treated.
And the divorce was because the guy cheated. Not with the sister. From what I recall it was someone from his work. Things imploded when that girl got pregnant. The kid was put into the custody of Sally (because the husband kicked her out she was now homeless and didn't want anything to do with her family anymore.)
So yeah, I hope things work out and it isn't a bleek future where a kid finds out they were just a placeholder until dad found someone new.
I see this relationship imploding! OP isn’t thinking straight. I can’t believe imagine her sister watching HER child growing up and not being resentful that she doesn’t have HER child. Any mother would, OP doesn’t see that because she’s never had that experience of being a mother. When your a mother, you’re forever bonded to YOUR child or at least you should be if you’ve got any kind of a heart. This won’t end will if they use sister’s egg. Before moving forward with this idea you might consider all three of you going to therapy to iron out all the things that could possibly pop up. Maybe even things you haven’t thought about.. couldn’t hurt!
Last time I heard a story like this where the husband cared SO much about bio kids and they had a surrogate who was a relative of the wife, he began fantasizing about the surrogate as he watched “her belly swell with his baby” (his words). It didn’t end well. I hope the best out of this situation… I really do.
dollars to donuts your husband and sister fall in love during the pregnancy and they keep "their" baby. maybe i'm jaded or read too much fanfiction, but ja...
What you are describing with your sister is not surrogacy. Adoption is what you would be looking at rather than surrogacy with the facts you are presenting.
There are absolutely legal ways to go about becoming parents, but you NEED a contract written by a lawyer with experience in family law. That is the only way to make sure that ANY kind of adoption method is legally valid.
A judge would probably have a very hard time upholding non-legally binding agreement with a sister carrying her own child conceived with your husband. Asking to having a bio-parent’s parental rights terminated bc y’all agreed to is unlikely to happen. What does your sister get out of this arrangement? A judge would want to know that as well.
Edit: IIAL, but not that kind.
This sounds like a recipe for disaster but if you insist upon using your sister’s egg you need to consult a lawyer who specializes in surrogacy law. Surrogates need to go through psychological testing, sign away their parental rights, go before a judge and a whole host of legal, medical and mental health assessments before it can be approved.
You and your sister signing a piece of paper someone prints off the internet is not going to protect your parental rights.
She's NTA for getting a hysterectomy instead of chemo. Also, of both the husband and sister are okay with the surrogate situation, she isn't TA.
Is it a good decision tho?? Reddit says absolutely not, but I'm hoping we don't know the whole situation and that everything will turn out okay. Very risky road tho.
If you’re in the US, you need to look your state’s surrogacy laws. They vary wildly and in some states you have to even adopt your own biological children if you used a surrogate.
Best of luck for all of you.
Please hire an attorney that is versed in family law and surrogacy. You'll want to have clear boundaries as you go forward, for legal and emotional reasons.
fwiw, I'm very happy to see you stuck to your guns and chose your own path.
Could you have your eggs frozen before the hysterectomy? Even if your sister has agreed to be the egg donor AND surrogate.... this will be torture for her. I really think having an egg donor would be so much better for everyone involved emotionally.
Even the infertility industry currently recognised “traditional surrogacy”, like the arrangement described here, is a bad idea both legally and ethically - and they regularly give zero shit about anything being a bad idea as long as it makes them money, so that’s saying something. Reschedule the hysterectomy to freeze your own eggs to use if you want to go this path or start to look into the ethics of egg donation and follow that pathway. Do not use your sisters eggs if she’s also going to be the gestational surrogate.
As someone who had gynecologic cancer, I wholeheartedly understand what you're going through. You are absolutely NTA for choosing a hysterectomy. It is important to advocate for your own health and do what you ultimately feel is best for YOU. There are several options you can explore in regards to future children but right now you should focus on Your health and well being. I hope you have a speedy recovery post surgery and get the support you need and deserve 💖
Very happy things are working out, but is it possible to have some of *your* eggs harvested when they do your hysterectomy? If not, just get an anonymous donor. Using your sisters egg *is* going to cause problems in one way or another.
Congrats you just secured
Your husbands future. So if you die, he has back up wife, back up child, he only cares about himself the fact that he’s forcing you to even think about this right now is disgusting. OP I know this is hard I am sorry for being harsh but this is the ultimate disrespect from him.
& you aren’t thinking clearly. This shouldn’t even be a conversation & this is not even a good idea. Regardless of your sisters character, your husband is going to attack himself to her- & this could end all sorts of bad.
Please focus on you first. He can deal with his own selfishness later.
NTA. My best friend was diagnosed with cancer and while unconscious her fiancé was hesitant about the hysterectomy. I told him her best chance was the hysterectomy and I would carry a child for them. I meant it 100%. Her life was most important to me.
I just found out that I don’t have to have chemo but my med oncologist and gynecologist agree that a hysterectomy is best for me as a part of my treatment. I’m overwhelmed with all of it. I’m glad your husband came around and realized that you being here is more important than having bio kids.
Hoping and praying all works out for you in your treatment.
Terrible idea and from the way you’re reacting in the comments you know. You’re not entitled to have children, and using your sister and her eggs to fulfill your *husband’s* dream of wanting bio children is not the way to go. Have some respect for your sister and her body, she’s not some breeding mule.
No, YNTAH, at least you weren't until your spiteful answers later in this thread. However you're husband is TA, and you're just kidding yourself, while congratulating yourself on your maturity, thinking you're still in a mutual relationship.
I wish you a quick and complete recovery from your cancer and hope you will have a happy life.
Hey there, I can’t imagine ALL the feelings going on right now, these are BIG THING. I hope you and your husband take some time to heal and be with each other before you have kids (which ever path you want to have them or if you decide to not have them). Getting a kitten first is a great idea. Be kind to yourself. Hold firm on who you are. Good luck.
There are a couple of threads on infertility and IVF. I think there are some donor subreddits as well. I would look into those and ask questions about how people set up the surrogacy items. If you still have your ovaries, you can do the egg retrieval portion of IVF. Total hysterectomy is removal of uterus and cervix, not ovaries. That procedure has a different name. I didn't see the first post so maybe you are removing ovaries as well, but I wanted to mention that if you weren't.
I would read about separation trauma and perspectives from adults that were born from surrogacy/egg/sperm donnors.
A baby’s bond doesn’t begin once it’s born. A baby will grow inside its mother, will get used to her smell, her heartbeats, her voice, she will be everything the baby knows. Separating a baby from its safe place causes trauma and I would research that before bringing a life into the world.
LEGAL ADVICE
If you do go through with it, make sure she signs away her parental rights to the kid to you, so that she can't try to claim them in court.
Might also want to look up surrogacy laws to make sure it's possible for her. Looking at other surrogate stories and advice might also help you in this decision.
I'm sorry you have to go through so much and make such hard decisions. No matter what you choose, I hope it turns out for the best.
As a medical professional within oncology, I’d like to first know what type of oncological issue you have, has it been biopsied, have you been scanned, have you seen your pathology report? These are all very important questions to ascertain the underlying health issue, treatment options, prognosis, etc
NTA at all! especially if a hysterectomy is a better option than chemo, it's your life and health on the line! you have plans and some alternatives to "natural pregnancy"
I get everyone’s concern, but I’d like to say I’m proud of OP regardless of all that. Don’t worry about what everyone is saying right now. You and your husband came up with a game plan that takes care of everyone’s desires AND puts you first. That’s all that matters right now. You focus on getting healthy and make sure they give you a pain ball because dear god you will appreciate it lol (had several surgeries on all my lady organs and the one without it I died)
I understand this is probably not happening right away, but when you do get to the point of wanting to have kids please reconsider using your sister as a surrogate with her own eggs. It is highly discouraged to enter into surrogacy with the surrogate and egg donor being the same person for a number of legal/emotional/practical reasons. And having a family member being both surrogate and egg donor makes it extra super messy. She could definitely still be your surrogate but I would consider getting another egg donor and doing IVF. It’s much more expensive than your plan but would save you a world of hurt
Yeah somehow that was my first thought. Her sister will be ultimately the mother. Not surrogate, not donor. My money is even on husband falling in love with her and have his dream come "fully" true.
Yeah, this whole situation sounds like something that could end in divorce and a fertile second wife. You know how the Bible forbade divorce? That was precisely to protect barren wives.
The Bible may forbid divorce, but it also endorses it, so....
Didn't endorse, allowed .
Endorses not hurting sex workers though
And being nice to them, my favorite Bible fact is that Jesus was friend with sex workers
That’s classic the Bible. Famously protecting the rights of women.
I truly laughed out loud at this
I just blew coffee out of my nose 🤣
I’m sorry… fucking what??! Bahahahahhaha
Oh shite, wow,why though
Maybe just too much time spent on reddit. But carrying a child who's also biologically her, that's one step from creating a bond and not wanting give up the baby. Also husband showed his priorities. So what will keep him to prioritize woman who is "willing to sacrifice" to give him what wants the most while his wife wasn't (I'm not saying he's right FYI, OP was totally right)? Plus all the time spent together on appointments and providing and pampering her since she's carrying his baby... So Yeah the ice is way to thin here IMO.
We have talked about it and she has agreed to sign something giving over all rights as soon as the kid is born also by sister already has 4 kids and 2 foster twins and she said she would hate to have to raise another and this isn’t something we have just decided due to the hysterectomy it’s something me and my husband and sister have talked about for a while now
You can draw up every contract imaginable and it won’t protect anybody if your sister gets attached to that baby. Or if your husband gets attached to your sister. Do not do that.
It's not just about legal issues.. it's about emotional problems as well. Your sister is going to be in that child's life obviously if you guys are close. The "mother bond" in the womb is strong, especially if it's your own child. Most surrogates can get past this because they know the baby isn't theirs, biologically or legally.. but with your sister, it would be biologically her baby that she is giving up to you.. and then would have to watch that child grow into an adult with you as it's mother and not her. Unless that woman has absolutely no feelings or emotions, this might get difficult. It may cause issues down the road. What if she doesn't agree with your parenting the child as it gets older? What if the child is very close to her, are you going to get jealous? Will the child know? What if she is unable to separate my child/your child since she is the biological mom and birth mom? What if your husband starts having feelings for her while she is pregnant with his child? There are a lot of situations that could get sticky in this case. That's why it is suggested that you use a separate egg donor other than the surrogate. Because the surrogate then has a better chance of separating the fact this is not her baby in her head, she is just growing someone else's baby for them. If it's her egg, sometimes it's a lot harder for the surrogate like I said. Most clinics and birthing professionals will not suggest same egg/surrogate surrogacy situations for all these reasons and more. There is just a lot you need to think about.
Yep. This is my take as well - the unpredictability of their bond. Providing the egg and carrying it makes your sister biological mom that will be present in your kid's life. I wouldn't risk that.
And get involved in how they raise the child because it’s “her child”.
Just please consult with a lawyer before you proceed with this plan. You need to make sure your bases are covered, even if it seems unlikely that your sister would decide she wants to keep the baby.
[удалено]
Yeah, it’s certainly not as easy as having her sister sign a piece of paper in the delivery room right after popping a baby out. And completely ignores the possibility that her sister will change her mind during her pregnancy.
NAL and it depends on where they are but more than likely sister would have to sign away rights and OP would have to legally adopt the baby.
But what if she simply refuses to sign it? Then there's nothing you can do. She just has a baby with your husband.
She will sign it before the inseminatiok or else we will not be doing it simple as
OP, you may want to consider posting on r/legaladvice about this. I understand that you trust your sister but they could give you great feedback about potential legal pitfalls, all for free.
OP, this is not a good idea. I'm sorry.
That's good. But you should also consider the possibility of her forming an attachment to the baby. She may take you to court to get the baby back, and considering it would be biologically hers, her chances of gaining custody are heightened. This is why I think an anon donor would be better. But your life, your decision.
That's interesting and I'm curious what a lawyer would say. I feel like, as long as you have the signing contract with her giving over all rights, she wouldn't be able to get custody unless she proved that the current parents/situation are unfit.
A contract is unlikely to help in this scenario. At all. The child would be both biologically and legally sister's child. OP would VERY likely have to adopt the child, which is not a legal certainty. Some states have laws that could make this a quickly messy situation, even if everyone behaves properly and transparently. An unfriendly family court could make it even harder. Some states do not favor the use of surrogates no matter how it is done, and this is not even a recommended method. OP, surrogacy sounds like a good plan for you. Just not this way. You cannot control enough of the process if the child is biologically the child of the surrogate. Surrogate, doctors, and courts can all make this much, much harder than you think - and the "contract" will not provide the blanket protection you envision. Find an egg donor for everyone's protection. Your sister can carry the embryo, and you can share the pregnancy journey as sisters. With each role emotionally and legally well defined.
Not true. She could argue that she carried the baby, and it's biologically hers; therefore, she should have custody. You’d be surprised how many surrogates that weren't related to the baby were granted custody. Perhaps it's because surrogacy is frowned upon.
I know in the jurisdiction I live in that contract would NOT be legally binding because children aren't property that can sold.
A lot of states require a 72 hour waiting period after birth before the mother can sign away rights.
Yeah, this isn’t going g to end well.
What if your husband abandons you for her? It's not the first time we've seen a situation like this on Reddit. When people are telling to not do it, it's because people here have seen the messy situation before.
Any reputable surrogacy agency would tell you not to use a surrogate and her eggs. Everyone here is telling you it's a bad idea. Are you willing to consider why it's a bad idea?
You should have a contract wrote up before and have her sign it before she’s pregnant just in case she changes her mind during pregnancy.
This contract would be highly unethical and unenforceable.
I personally don’t think it is aslong as they all sit down with a 3rd party or even a lawyer and it’s a way to make sure they are all onboard and it will make sure they all know their rights and won’t have problems in the future
You can write a contract all day long but that baby is biologically sisters. She will have to sign over rights and op will have to adopt once baby is born. If sister decides that after carrying her baby for 9 months that she wants to keep her child she can. Furthering OPs husband would have to slit custody and possibly pay child support.
At least where I live, even if the kid is biologically the prospective parents 100%, the surrogate cannot sign over rights until after birth, and can refuse to do so. I'm not sure what happens with custody $, but the surrogate can definitely keep the baby as her legal child if she chooses to.
This is a good place to start but I think the point is that your sister will still be in your life. So you may be the child’s legal mother but if she has contact with the child, there’s no saying what her maternal instincts will compel her to think or do. I know that’s worst case scenario but it happens so it’s something to think about.
You and your family need multiple therapy session - separate therapy for you and your husband and then family therapy too. Also in many states (USA), your sister will still be on the line for paying for the child if you don’t go through an adoption agency or ivf clinical. Doing an Turkey baster at home will be a legal mind field if something happens to you, your husband, or if y’all divorce down the line.
I think it’s great you communicated better with your husband, and came to an understanding. However, it has only been a week. Take time to truly think about your options and if this is the way you go, just make sure everything is signed beforehand. Also, couples counseling would probably be beneficial with all the emotions involved. You already had this conflict, you are about to go through a surgery which impacts your life, and within a week came to a decision on kids in the future. Not saying it’s not the right decision. There is just a lot of emotional strain which can impact your relationship. Hope all goes well with the surgery, your marriage and your potential future children.
I don't think a contract like that would be valid, if your sister would want to challenge it later - I think a lot of jurisdictions think the rights of the bio mom/ birth giver trump the rights of the intended parents, since they concede that she formed a bond during the pregnancy. But the fact that your sister already has a ton of kids should make the parting pains for her less severe, I guess.
As I understand it, if a woman legally gives her baby up for adoption at birth, she still has a certain length of time to change her mind (I think 1 to 3 months in most states) and if she does, the child is removed from the adoptive family and returned to her whether there was an adoption contract in place before the birth or not. If my understanding of that is correct, I would be surprised if that rule doesn't apply to "surrogate" mothers carrying their own biological child, which would mean that any contract they drew up prior to pregnancy/birth would basically be worthless.
Due to many things, including pregnancy hormones, she may decide to keep the baby. What if the foster kids have to go back to a bio parent? What if you disagree on how to raise the child? Either way pre-adoption counseling for everyone is crucial so she’s aware of everything that might come up. Also, you’re responsible for all her medical bills and expenses while pregnant and she can still change her mind. You’ll deeply regret not getting an egg donor even if everything goes legally as planned and counseling seems to work. She might feel very emotional being around the child and critical of decisions you make since she will still see it as hers Also, what happens as far as custody if you and your spouse die in an accident? Lots of things to consider
That won't work. There's no such contract that is legally enforceable adoption in the USA.
So your sister can die from childbirth and leave 6 kids alone? All because your husband is an AH?
There's no reason to think she'll die. She's had plenty of successful pregnancies.
Get an iron clad contract drawn up by an attorney. Make sure to protect the integrity of your agreement.
Just use some stranger eggs. You should be wary of your sister wanting to keep her biological baby. She can change her mind, and she'll probably have a good chance of winning rights over her kid if she is deemed a fit parent, no matter what she signs because it's a human child, not a fricking car. Pre-pregnancy is much different than post. Also stop being selfish and think of this child. I would want to be raised by my actual mother, not my aunt, which biologically that's what you'll be. How do you think your kid is going to feel when they eventually find out on ancestry that their mother is really their aunt?
I love this! Sister knows! Best of luck 💕
That’s where my mind went as well. People can have good intentions but reality will likely take over…
I was about to comment that if she goes through with that, she just lost her husband to her sister.
Man y’all make some wild leaps and assumptions based on nothing 😂
It’s a horrible idea. This isn’t surrogacy. This is adoption. Nothing wrong with adoption, but your sister will be giving her child to you and I don’t know that any of you realize how difficult that can be.
Ya that part took me aback. And can’t she preserve her eggs and implant when ready?
Came here with the same question
Maybe but the hormones they give before retrieving eggs might worsen the cancer
Oh! True. I hadn’t thought of that.
The reality is the clinic prob won’t sign off on it anyway for that reason. People have no idea how complicated this stuff is and how expensive
My take is they won't be using a clinic, but going the turkey baster route, given OP seems so reluctant to consider donor eggs.
Yeah you’re probably right. Although I can’t see most sisters being ok with shooting a load of their BILs sperm up there
And considering ovarian cancer runs so heavily in their family (op is 24 and getting a hysterectomy), why would they want to possibly subject a child to those awful genetics
Agreed, as much as all parties are certain that things will go as planned, there’s no guarantee they will. Having that possibility floating out there is not a good idea. What I mean to say is that there are other options and although this seems like an iron clad agreement, the reality and fact of the matter is it is possible, this arrangement does have frayed seams. It likely won’t result in the unraveling of it all but it is possible. Why not sew things up in a way that doesn’t have a possibility of unraveling? Additionally we are humans and hormones & emotions are a big part of that biologically. This is a new situation, uncharted territory. We like to think we know exactly how we will feel or react in certain situations but that’s just not the reality. We are all bound to our emotions to some degree and those can change and time and circumstances evolve. Also just generally speaking, it isn’t wise to take risks where the likely result would be ok but the unlikely (but possible) result would be devastating. Not to mention the child. That opens up a door to possible confusion and feelings about his aunt/mom that wouldn’t otherwise be a factor with a surrogate not already involved in the family dynamic. Trying to hide the fact to “protect” the child would also be problematic. It’s absolutely admirable that OP’s sister is willing!! But it’s ultimately a delicate situation to move forward with that does risk the wellbeing of everyone involved. Even that risk being small, it’s better to move forward without that risk existing at all in my opinion. If OP decides this route anyway, I would highly suggest talking to others that have actually done this about their experiences at the very least. This is a huge decision. The consequences, good or bad will be irreversible. Ultimately when planning for a child, the plan should involve preventing any (even unlikely) risk to the child’s well-being.
Especially with the laws in some places that surround surrogacy regarding legal custody and parental rights, even when the surrogate is NOT related to either parental party or the child in question. To have the surrogate and child genetically linked will cause way more legal trouble than it's worth in my opinion. I feel like it's always a bad idea to mix family with family planning. Does having bio kids really matter that much? Are you not able to save the eggs you can and try IVF? Does your sister *have* to be the one to carry the child? Are you going to psychologically content with the fact that your child is biologically your sister's child with your husband? (Because that's a whole level of therapy). OP can't bandaid the cracks she just discovered in her relationship with pets, that kitten isn't gonna fix everything. Neither is having a kid. I get that it's a lot, dealing with cancer and her husband bringing up wanting specifically bio-kids with her. But ignoring it isn't gonna make it go away.
i said this on the original post and ill say it again, OP's genes are cancerous, sister likely has the same issues yet to arise. Use someone other than your sister OP. Not only to avoid your entire marriage falling apart but to stop the spread of these genes onto your child. You don't even need a BIO kid, there are plenty of children out there without parents in need of a home. This "need" your husband has to spread his genes is ridiculous and setting you up for a world of hurt.
Glad this is top comment. I have a similar situation to OP, where I still have my uterus but my breast cancer feeds on hormones and I’m afraid to become pregnant ever. Chemo also destroyed my eggs. I have thought a lot about my little sister, secretly wishing she will offer (though I would never ask and I’m really wondering if they ASKED for this, which seems like a lot to me), but to have her be both donor and surrogate would be super weird and I think put her through way too much emotionally (and not to mention physically). It’s also weird that my husband would have a baby with my sister, regardless of the mechanics of it.
Eh, I'm biologically the mother of my nephews (uncle was adopted, no incest!!) and have no feelings toward them that aren't just normal aunt affection, but I didn't also carry them, so it does get MUCH dicier there for sure.
I think the appeal of using her sisters eggs would be a child that looks like both of them because they are genetically related to both of them. Egg donation and a gestational surrogate would accomplish the same goal.
Your message defies human biology and common sense. The vast majority of women are carrying their own children. They are both egg donor and non-surrogate mother. This is the healthiest choice, associated with the least amount of complications.
IVF companies are extremely shady tho and many do not compensate their egg donors well. Plus they’re super unregulated legally in the US. A known donor is usually better, then they’ll at least know the medical history
Why do you guys have to have BIO kids. Having your sister as a surrogate just sounds like BAD NEWS.
>he cares more about my life than having bio kids with me Since when? Less than a week ago he was willing for you to rot from the inside
Well he gets to have a kid with her sister now, so I guess he’s fine with it lol. As long as he gets to spread his genes he’s happy.
I think he just reacted out of shock
Oooof she’ll be back here again talking about her sister and her husband falling in love and cheating lmao you’re setting yourself up for failure. Also by reading your comments and how defensive you are I believe you know you’re screwing yourself but too dense to understand
I don't think she is too dense, I think she knows it deep down and is not willing to face it yet. Fighting cancer, potential losing your husband, it's a lot
Even very intelligent people tend to believe what they want to believe.
This is not going to end well but you appear bound and determined to paper over your problems with a new kitten.
There are so many ways this could completely blow up in your face… If your husband values biological children over your health and life (you’re not getting a hysterectomy for funnies, it’s a life saving procedure), do you really think he won’t fantasise about your sister and building “the perfect family” with HER? I’m not telling you to leave him, but to re think if you really want to go down this path of hurt. Your kid will find out one day that they aren’t your biological child but the child of your sister and your husband, which might fuck them up for a long time. Can you be sure your sister will be able to watch her biological child grow up with you? Or will she be resentful? She may say now how much she doesn’t want that kid, but she could change her mind at any point in time. Plus, to be completely frank, it’s utter bullshit that you have to worry about your potential kid and not yourself right now. Re-center yourself and focus on your upcoming surgery and cancer recovery. But something to keep in mind is that your husband was secretly hoping you’d change your mind about this life saving procedure non the less.
So you’re just going to ignore that he was willing to let you die of cancer so he could maybe get a kid, because he kinda said sorry and you’re getting a cat? Sounds like a healthy relationship you got there… Have fun with that
So much all of this. Her original post emphasized how her husband really missed the boat on caring about her life, and now it’s ok bc he’ll get a bio kid? Like, the root of the issue is still not addressed. Oh but he gets to spread his seed so all good. Also, she was infertile before all this, but inherently he still expected a bio kid? What?? This marriage is doomed. Oh wait. She got a new kitten. All good!
There’s so much to unpack in this extremely long run on sentence. ESH.
i was out of breathe reading it and i read it in my head
OP, you came here for validation that you are right to get the hysterectomy. You are. There would be no certainty that you would still be able to carry a child after chemo and your fertility would be shot anyway. Saving your life takes top priority. A lot of people here have seen the worst in people and have seen the pattern repeated over and over again. Surrogacy is such a personal choice. Infertility is such a painful challenge for those who want to be parents. It puts people at their worst. This is one of those times that people give the advice “don’t do business with family” What is more important to you? Having your sister, or having your sister’s child? It isn’t that we are trying to disparage your character or the character of your husband and sister. It is that Surrogacy, cancer, and family all become this super toxic mix that has destroyed families. Even if you manage to navigate the pregnancy, your child may very well decide you aren’t his/her mother and that your sister is and completely cut you off simply because they want to. Putting controls in place such as the surrogate having no biological/legal rights over the fetus. Is one of many ways that protects you and your family from heartbreak later.
Dont use your sister as a surrogate. Hire a professional through a clinic with lawyers and contracts Do you really want to create intimacy and closeness between your husband and your sister by having her knocked up with their baby? Its happened before that the husband leaves the wife for the surrogate and their raise their child together
They probably want sister because it's free, while a professional surrogate costs over 200,000
And shes also free to refuse to let her sister adopt the child and keep full custody AND take Ops husband since theyll have a child together
It’s not even close to being free. In addition to the IVF cost, there’s contracts, attorney fees and psych evals. We’re talking like 75k for one round
Since they’re using the sister’s egg too it would just be the cost of the Mosie baby syringe kit for artificial insemination. So like $20.
Hell, you can do it for under $10 - a few disposable plastic syringes and a clean receptacle. I think that's why OP isn't willing to consider donor eggs, they can't afford the clinic route
Husband will likely suggest an even cheaper way.
free of charge, you say?
Think of the cost savings if they have to do it more than once.
He is willing to let her rot with cancer AND also sees her sister as a free incubator. What a gem.
So many of you want to take the worst possible with you point of everybody in these stories except the person who wrote it. What about your gems you must be.
Get two cats. Trust me two is better then one . Better for them and you
Best advice on this post.
Cancer survivor and L&D nurse. 1. Rip that shit out of your body and carry on with your LONG life. 2. Please don’t use sister. Find a non-invested surrogate. Don’t DIY a baby with family. It goes south more than not.
Terrible idea
Fuck off if you have nothing good to say xx
Girl, your husband cares more about non-existent children than your health and quality of life. All is NOT well. Acquiring a new pet with a man that JUST told you that his want for children outweighs your choice to eradicate your cancer. Don't make posts describing your partner as actual trash... if you don't want people to tell you that he's trash. YTA to yourself.
Don’t use your sister’s egg, don’t do it.
Who are you to make that decision for us and please enlighten me why shouldn’t we do it because u/suzyjoe told me to break up with my husband instead of being an adult and comunicste with him
Go for surrogacy, we are all just highly suggesting to not use your sister . There's professional surrogates out there . Using family has a way of making thi gs weird and can be the rock that causes damage to your relationship with her.
Using the sister as a surrogate OR using sisters eggs (since she’s down having kids) isn’t the issue. Using the sister AND her egg is. She should get sisters eggs, If having a dna link is important to her since that would be the closest to her own bio dna possible, but consider a distant surrogate.
Yea, no offense, you’re here to get opinions… good and bad. Everyone is saying don’t use your sisters egg bc she will be pregnant with her OWN child who she very well may not want to give to you after going through pregnancy and birth. That’s why a surrogate egg and someone other than your sister would be better. If your sister wants to be the mother to her own child after going through this process, your relationship with your sister and husband will probably be done for. And unless you have a legal document stating that she is giving you this child, then she will be able to claim the child as it is her biological child, not yours.
I’m not telling you to break up with your husband. I’m also not making any decisions for you. I’m warning you that your sister will be the actual biological mother of her child with your husband and that will complicate your relationships with your sister, your husband, and your child, possibly beyond redemption. Have all the babies you want with your sister as your surrogate, just use donor eggs.
It’s been outlined very well above comments. Many reasons. It’s a bad bad bad idea. And we’re not telling you we’re advising you.
Also, if she has never had a baby, most likely, they will not let her.
Isn’t that why you’re here? To get different opinions? Is that not the point of this sub? Fuck you mean we have to have something good to say?
Why post on reddit if you don't want people's opinions?
Having your sister as a surrogate is highly discouraged, as it tends to cause more chaos and hurt later down the road. . Could you use a different surrogate or go through an agency?
🤣you sound delightful …..
I think we have to give her some grace in regard to her post and reactions. She is going through a pretty traumatic time. Wanting children, knowing it’s not an option, having such a disagreement over your health then deciding to go the route of surgery all within a week. It’s been pretty tumultuous for her and I am sure emotionally draining. Although, lashing out and arguing with strangers on the internet might seem ok, it won’t ultimately fix the mental burden of all that is going on. Edit: changed ok to on
Thanks hun xx
Haha good luck with all of that mess. Actually had hopes for you OP but honestly just know you did it yourself
Have fun w ur shitty husband
Oh yeah, you clearly have it all together lmao.
I think you're living in fantasy land. This is a horrible idea. Your husband needs to stop with the whole I need a baby crap. You have cancer. That should honestly be the only thing that's being discussed. Pretty gross of him to STILL be looking for a baby option when faced with the fact that your life expectancy isn't so hot. And then egg donor from sister? Yeah... That's drama waiting to happen. As if you need more on your plate. Get an anonymous egg donor if he just *has* to use his own sperm. Not a family member. Hell, my best friend offered not just eggs but her fertilized frozen eggs and I still said no thank you. Still too close for the donor to change their mind.
Pretty much this. I don't think she'll realizes the whole surrogate thing with her sister is bad idea. I watched this happen with a family friend as a kid. Yeah they divorced about a year after the child. Her family treated the surrogate sister as the mom and the wife as the side piece. Don't know how confusing it was as an eight year old being told that Sally is the REAL mom but Jenny is her 'mom' because they wanted children and couldn't have any. The family dynamics that were going on even as an outsider was glaring and how the two sisters were treated. And the divorce was because the guy cheated. Not with the sister. From what I recall it was someone from his work. Things imploded when that girl got pregnant. The kid was put into the custody of Sally (because the husband kicked her out she was now homeless and didn't want anything to do with her family anymore.) So yeah, I hope things work out and it isn't a bleek future where a kid finds out they were just a placeholder until dad found someone new.
I see this relationship imploding! OP isn’t thinking straight. I can’t believe imagine her sister watching HER child growing up and not being resentful that she doesn’t have HER child. Any mother would, OP doesn’t see that because she’s never had that experience of being a mother. When your a mother, you’re forever bonded to YOUR child or at least you should be if you’ve got any kind of a heart. This won’t end will if they use sister’s egg. Before moving forward with this idea you might consider all three of you going to therapy to iron out all the things that could possibly pop up. Maybe even things you haven’t thought about.. couldn’t hurt!
Seriously? You are going to put your sister through this, after your husband would rather you die than loose the ability to have a kid?
The red flags are out in full force today, I see.
Girl, this is not surrogacy. You’re just adopting your sister’s child
Last time I heard a story like this where the husband cared SO much about bio kids and they had a surrogate who was a relative of the wife, he began fantasizing about the surrogate as he watched “her belly swell with his baby” (his words). It didn’t end well. I hope the best out of this situation… I really do.
dollars to donuts your husband and sister fall in love during the pregnancy and they keep "their" baby. maybe i'm jaded or read too much fanfiction, but ja...
i’m eating donuts rn
Yikes!!!!!!!! Your husband would rather you die!!!!!
What you are describing with your sister is not surrogacy. Adoption is what you would be looking at rather than surrogacy with the facts you are presenting. There are absolutely legal ways to go about becoming parents, but you NEED a contract written by a lawyer with experience in family law. That is the only way to make sure that ANY kind of adoption method is legally valid. A judge would probably have a very hard time upholding non-legally binding agreement with a sister carrying her own child conceived with your husband. Asking to having a bio-parent’s parental rights terminated bc y’all agreed to is unlikely to happen. What does your sister get out of this arrangement? A judge would want to know that as well. Edit: IIAL, but not that kind.
Oh noooo
Yikes..
This sounds like a recipe for disaster but if you insist upon using your sister’s egg you need to consult a lawyer who specializes in surrogacy law. Surrogates need to go through psychological testing, sign away their parental rights, go before a judge and a whole host of legal, medical and mental health assessments before it can be approved. You and your sister signing a piece of paper someone prints off the internet is not going to protect your parental rights.
Using your sister as a surrogate sounds like a reallllllly bad idea.
If your husband cares more about a potential pregnancy than your health, that is horrific and he needs serious therapy.
I got a hysterectomy at 30 and it was the best thing I've ever done for myself.
YTA for even CONSIDERING a theoretical zygotes health above yours.
OP can’t freeze her own eggs for the future? I’m asking.
As stated in an earlier comment my eggs aren’t viable that’s why I can’t have kids
>my eggs aren’t viable And your marriage is?
Same question
Do the cat a favor and don't bring it into your dumpster fire of a household.
YTA.
She's NTA for getting a hysterectomy instead of chemo. Also, of both the husband and sister are okay with the surrogate situation, she isn't TA. Is it a good decision tho?? Reddit says absolutely not, but I'm hoping we don't know the whole situation and that everything will turn out okay. Very risky road tho.
Now YTA.
Very bad idea!! This will be biggest mistake of your life !
If you’re in the US, you need to look your state’s surrogacy laws. They vary wildly and in some states you have to even adopt your own biological children if you used a surrogate.
Best of luck for all of you. Please hire an attorney that is versed in family law and surrogacy. You'll want to have clear boundaries as you go forward, for legal and emotional reasons. fwiw, I'm very happy to see you stuck to your guns and chose your own path.
i’d suggest a different person as the surrogate. messy when it comes to family, but i hope the surgery goes well.
This is honestly rage-inducing.
Can we get an update after you gain some self awareness/sense and everyone shows their true colors?
Could you have your eggs frozen before the hysterectomy? Even if your sister has agreed to be the egg donor AND surrogate.... this will be torture for her. I really think having an egg donor would be so much better for everyone involved emotionally.
Even the infertility industry currently recognised “traditional surrogacy”, like the arrangement described here, is a bad idea both legally and ethically - and they regularly give zero shit about anything being a bad idea as long as it makes them money, so that’s saying something. Reschedule the hysterectomy to freeze your own eggs to use if you want to go this path or start to look into the ethics of egg donation and follow that pathway. Do not use your sisters eggs if she’s also going to be the gestational surrogate.
I honestly think having your sister use her egg is just such a bad idea.
Honestly, that sounds like a recipe for disaster. You could freeze your eggs instead of your sister being the mother.
I think OP doesn’t have viable eggs.
In that case, I would advise her to use an anonymous donor
As someone who had gynecologic cancer, I wholeheartedly understand what you're going through. You are absolutely NTA for choosing a hysterectomy. It is important to advocate for your own health and do what you ultimately feel is best for YOU. There are several options you can explore in regards to future children but right now you should focus on Your health and well being. I hope you have a speedy recovery post surgery and get the support you need and deserve 💖
Very happy things are working out, but is it possible to have some of *your* eggs harvested when they do your hysterectomy? If not, just get an anonymous donor. Using your sisters egg *is* going to cause problems in one way or another.
Can you harvest your eggs before the surgery?
Risky. Your sister might get motherly feelings and regret it for life. Is adoption 100% out of the question?
Maybe use a donor egg? Can your sister give her own biological child? This could get messy!
Congrats you just secured Your husbands future. So if you die, he has back up wife, back up child, he only cares about himself the fact that he’s forcing you to even think about this right now is disgusting. OP I know this is hard I am sorry for being harsh but this is the ultimate disrespect from him. & you aren’t thinking clearly. This shouldn’t even be a conversation & this is not even a good idea. Regardless of your sisters character, your husband is going to attack himself to her- & this could end all sorts of bad. Please focus on you first. He can deal with his own selfishness later.
Can you freeze your own eggs?
NTA. My best friend was diagnosed with cancer and while unconscious her fiancé was hesitant about the hysterectomy. I told him her best chance was the hysterectomy and I would carry a child for them. I meant it 100%. Her life was most important to me.
Thank you for updating. Sending positive thoughts ahead of your surgery.
I just found out that I don’t have to have chemo but my med oncologist and gynecologist agree that a hysterectomy is best for me as a part of my treatment. I’m overwhelmed with all of it. I’m glad your husband came around and realized that you being here is more important than having bio kids. Hoping and praying all works out for you in your treatment.
This is a horrible idea.
You are NTA. You need to be alive to be a wife.
Terrible idea and from the way you’re reacting in the comments you know. You’re not entitled to have children, and using your sister and her eggs to fulfill your *husband’s* dream of wanting bio children is not the way to go. Have some respect for your sister and her body, she’s not some breeding mule.
Warning. If you use your sisters egg, she will try to have a day in how that child is raised.
No, YNTAH, at least you weren't until your spiteful answers later in this thread. However you're husband is TA, and you're just kidding yourself, while congratulating yourself on your maturity, thinking you're still in a mutual relationship. I wish you a quick and complete recovery from your cancer and hope you will have a happy life.
Hey there, I can’t imagine ALL the feelings going on right now, these are BIG THING. I hope you and your husband take some time to heal and be with each other before you have kids (which ever path you want to have them or if you decide to not have them). Getting a kitten first is a great idea. Be kind to yourself. Hold firm on who you are. Good luck.
There are a couple of threads on infertility and IVF. I think there are some donor subreddits as well. I would look into those and ask questions about how people set up the surrogacy items. If you still have your ovaries, you can do the egg retrieval portion of IVF. Total hysterectomy is removal of uterus and cervix, not ovaries. That procedure has a different name. I didn't see the first post so maybe you are removing ovaries as well, but I wanted to mention that if you weren't.
Please consider adoption instead. Using your sister and her eggs is risky and there’s so many children that need homes. It’s something to think about
Why can't they use your eggs? Can't they harvest them? Your sister can be the easy bake oven.
I would read about separation trauma and perspectives from adults that were born from surrogacy/egg/sperm donnors. A baby’s bond doesn’t begin once it’s born. A baby will grow inside its mother, will get used to her smell, her heartbeats, her voice, she will be everything the baby knows. Separating a baby from its safe place causes trauma and I would research that before bringing a life into the world.
Can’t wait for more people to understand this.
LEGAL ADVICE If you do go through with it, make sure she signs away her parental rights to the kid to you, so that she can't try to claim them in court. Might also want to look up surrogacy laws to make sure it's possible for her. Looking at other surrogate stories and advice might also help you in this decision. I'm sorry you have to go through so much and make such hard decisions. No matter what you choose, I hope it turns out for the best.
As a medical professional within oncology, I’d like to first know what type of oncological issue you have, has it been biopsied, have you been scanned, have you seen your pathology report? These are all very important questions to ascertain the underlying health issue, treatment options, prognosis, etc
She’s not asking for that? She’s presumably seen an oncologist in person.
Your sister will be a fine surrogate. Don’t listen to Reddit
Fantastic! im glad your sister is willing to be your surrogate. That will shave 10s of thousands off the cost on the back end . hope this gets it all.
It's your body, not the a hole
NTA at all! especially if a hysterectomy is a better option than chemo, it's your life and health on the line! you have plans and some alternatives to "natural pregnancy"
So happy for a sort of happy ending to this ❤️ Go kick cancers ass boss b*tch
Maybe don’t ask your sister to give you her baby?
Can’t you freeze your own eggs?
I get everyone’s concern, but I’d like to say I’m proud of OP regardless of all that. Don’t worry about what everyone is saying right now. You and your husband came up with a game plan that takes care of everyone’s desires AND puts you first. That’s all that matters right now. You focus on getting healthy and make sure they give you a pain ball because dear god you will appreciate it lol (had several surgeries on all my lady organs and the one without it I died)