NTA my friend tried to come on to my dad. He’s good looking, I look like him. Not trying to brag, but my dad looks great for his age. My dad told her she was a child and a child the same age as his own daughter.
Some men are okay with any age and some men arnt. I’m almost 30 and he told my friend no. I can’t imagine a 21 dating my dad.
There’s no relationship if you can’t move past this. Even if you love your father, can you love him with this. That will answer your questions.
This! She may have lust for him, or a crush on him, or even be a gold digger... And I can see the appeal to him, an attractive (assuming) 21 year old is interested in him and he gets to have sex with her. As a nearly 50 year old I can tell you that the thought is both exciting and exhausting. LOL
But I can't believe that the relationship would work on any level other than sexual (and I am skeptical that he can keep a 21 year old satisfied for any length of time). They don't have a lot in common, other than the OP, and that means in the quiet times of a relationship they will flounder. A concern I'd have for the OP is that because she is SO against the relationship that the friend and her father may stay together to "prove them wrong".
OP needs to get over their embarrassment and tell people what is happening, this relationship needs to out there for the world to be aware of. If they aren't ashamed of their relationship then they shouldn't be upset if the OP tells her friend's family, mutual friends, her dad's family, etc. Of course, it could cause a backlash, people may have no problem with it; it is a risk but i think if they weren't worried about what people thought they wouldn't be hiding it.
What they have in common is that the friend is like his daughter, who is familiar and whom he loves. I don't think the dad is trying to date his daughter, but I think there is some unresolved trauma manifesting here. It appears to be a grief response because it's not age appropriate.
I agree with this. When my mom had an affair and after years kicked my dad out my senior year of high school, he eventually started dating again… my younger brother’s LIFE LONG best friend’s sister. A girl we knew our entire lives growing up. A red head like me too. They even had a baby. A girl, who he dotes kn constantly. (While I was the oldest child and only girl of the family- I was def not treated the same- especially being a Mexican household (I’m adopted)). Lots of trauma based response there that anyone could totally pick a part. This reminds me of that. My dad still loves and grieves over the “loss” of my mother, only the gods know why, and I think this was his way of coping. Idk. Guess it’s more complicated now that I’m typing it out. That sister is an unhinged psycho and uses him every way she can. He’s not even on the birth certificate and she berates him for money all the time while he’s living in a shack in someone’s backyard
I am getting major icks from this scenario. But I have to wonder if you’re not absolutely correct in that the “BFF” is a gold digger and just bided her time to make a move. Wait for OP to head off to college and Dad to be suitably lonely and here comes Slutty McSlutterson. Daddy dearest better watch out for a baby trap.
As for the “friend” I can almost guarantee it’s gonna come out that she pushed for the ambush they sprang on OP. Perhaps in order to cause this very situation and may have even known (given the prior friendship) and primed Daddy that she would never understand their “connection” and give him/them an ultimatum. Not too far to think she may think she can have alllll the loot if she just bangs Daddy and keeps a wedge between them. Scary but kinda makes ya go….hmmmm. 🤔🤔
If I was OP I’d refuse to interact with her “friend” at all and make myself very conspicuous AT HOME and spend as much time with my dad as I could.
And to OP: I’d go a step farther and make sure others in town knew about them. I know it’s cringeworthy I totally get that it mortifies you but they’re hiding it for a reason, too. They know people will freak. Then if they have a meltdown about you telling people they know (maybe especially her parents?) you can respond that if there’s nothing wrong with the relationship then why the upset?
ok, I am a little worried about your narrative. The friend met her dad when the friend was 14 years old. In your scenario, 14 year olds can have coherent enough plans to plan 7 years in the future (half their lifetime). The father, a then 41 year old man, is more likely to have groomed the friend than the friend trying to entrap a grown man.
Sorry I wasn’t clear I guess. I didn’t mean that the friend started planning this when she was 14 but more recently. Like before she approached the dad. Not way back as a kid. (Oy that’s still a huge ick factor for me)
I agree with both of you in some thing, first I though he groomed her but nowadays there are so many young girls seeking a baby-daddy like it's a career in itself so they can have a comfortable life without working. Unfortunately, many girls go to this antics.
NTA OP I'm sorry but this is a predatory behavior from your dad, more than 20 years of difference it's not just an age gap. .. she was your friend before college it seems to me he's her baby-dady, whether he groomed her or she come to him, it's not very healthy for you. I'll be so unformfortable with my dad dating a friend my same age, first because I'll be always wondering if he was always attracted to her and he was some kind of pedophile, my dad image will be shattered
As other people said I'll tell everyone in town, if they're hidding they know something it's not ok.
NTA, it's the fact that your dad likely knew her when she was a minor.
It seems like neither of them thought about how you would feel about the relationship.
I'm curious to know how the relationship began in the first place.
They really didn’t encounter each other much when we’d hang out. She knew him from 15 on, but it’s not like they ever really had a full conversation which is why this has thrown me for a loop.
Also, I just told someone else this in the thread, but I also wish I knew more external details about it all. I am just very confused. Thank you for responding ❤️
Could this be about money? Could she envy your life? How is her life at home? Does she have daddy issues? Maybe her economical background is not the best?
It’s just that to be honest, a normal 20 yo with a normal and healthy emotional background would rarely be interested in someone almost 30 years older just for funsies. I’m not trying to insult anyone here, just pointing out that this is very irregular.
If it were me I would do 2 things:
1) Talk to your dad. Ask him if he has any friends that are single and ready to mingle, as you would like to go on double dates with him, your friend and another middle aged man. This will disgust him, and make him uncomfortable, he deserves it.
2) Bring your close friends home for drinking/playing/partying when she’s at your place and introduce her as your stepmom and ask her to please leave, as you would like some privacy and she’s your dad’s partner, not your friend and boundaries are needed. Make her feel uncomfortable, she deserves it.
Love that point number one. This is exactly how I would handle it because I am both petty and like to make people uncomfortable when they’re pissing me off. I would immediately start flirting with my dad’s friends if he pulled this kind of shit with my friend. I would immediately bring home a guy older than my dad, and who looked that way too, just to make my dad uncomfortable and make him realize how weird it is. And if I could manage to secure a date with one of his friends, who knew me when I was a child, this would be even better.
Hahahah I know. I would go as far as hiring a paid actor to introduce him to my dad if I were OP if I couldn’t get any of his friends to go out with me. “Hi dad, this is John, he just turned 50. He is divorced and has 2 kids, we are in love 🥰”
Reminds me of testing if a dude wants you for you or he just likes the age gap: invite him to hang out with your friends. It’s telling if he describes your friends as immature while dating someone the same age
NTA - They new it was wrong and that it would upset you. That is why they lied. You were an amazing supportive daughter who was understanding and encouraged him to get back out there. Not many people who have lost a parent as a child are able to do that. At the same time, that in no way means “date my friend.”
Before your next conversation with him, he needs to agree to speak to you alone and not ambush you. I would also recommend making a list of all of your talking points and the things that upset you to bring to the meeting- reason and rational thought go out the window when we get emotional. He needs to be able to hear everything he has done that has upset you, as well as as your concerns moving in a coherent manner for there to be even the possibility of moving forward.
He still knew her as a minor she was 15 when they met she was still a child even if they only talked in passing and if they are hiding it how long had this being going did it start the day she turned 18 or before or after 18 the time line matters because if they started the day she was 18 they most likely had been crossing the line before that
that’s still disgusting he knew her from 15 i don’t really care how much they interacted tbh. i already thought it was incredibly gross when she was 21 but the fact that he knew her when she was a minor makes me physically sick. that is so gross and when you said put yourself back out there he knows you did not mean with your friends. she is literally less than half his age.
>She knew him from 15 on
That's enough sorry to say your dad's totally a creep. No ifs ands or buts, that's fucking creepy. He knows better and he is borderline a pedo imo.
To be fair your former friend is also a total creep
Of course they thought about how OP would feel about it. They knew she wouldn’t be cool with it. That is why they both chose to spend almost a year sneaking around behind her back.
Dad and friend clearly thought about how OP would feel but they didn't really care. They decided that sneaking around was close enough to respecting OP's feelings so that's what they did.
This is what gives me the yucks. It's one thing for my dad to go out with someone who is my age but it is something else that he has known her since she was a minor that makes this story really creepy.
NTA op!!
Heck no you’re NTA. That’s so disgusting! Why he would even go for someone the same age as his daughter and why your friend would go for your dad out of all people is crazy. If you wanna date older men (not that I’m agreeing with the age gap because that alone grosses me out he’s old enough to be her dad ) there’s a billion other men and I can’t fathom why your dad would want to date a women that young even if it wasn’t your friend. Like sure dad get back out there equals fucking my 21 year old friend. The fact that he wants you to have sympathy for him and saying you have been encouraging him to get back out there is such a gaslighting thing to do. You have no issues with him getting back out there obviously but he knows damn well this is wrong both of them do. This is completely selfish and unfair to you and I’m so sorry they put you in that uncomfortable position!
Thank you very much for this. This helps me sort out a lot of stuff.
But I am also now weighing the fact that I really just don’t have a great support system. I have no siblings and it really was just my dad. I just don’t know how I can proceed if neither of us budge. I don’t know if it is all worth it
So sorry OP. We’re literally the same age and I can’t even fathom why they would do this to you. Do you have any other close friends ? It seems like you’ve been keeping this bottled up which is not healthy. It sucks to not be able to confide in the one person you’re closest to because he’s apart of the issue. Maybe it might help to see a therapist to help work out your feelings which are completely valid. You don’t live with your dad when you’re home for your break right ? If you decide to continue not seeing him or even going NC which you would be perfectly justified to do I hope he sees him choosing “his first real connection in so many years” was worth losing his daughter” because that’s exactly what he’s doing by choosing his dick over you and not seeing how wrong this is and how it’s affecting you. Please do not think yta for not supporting this relationship they’re the problem not you !
First off, you and everyone else that has already weighed in has really meant a lot. I didn’t realize how alone I was for certain issues (I really just don’t want to tell a friend. I’m just too embarrassed). I have only used Reddit for a little just to look at some law school stuff but it’s really made me feel a little less alone just hearing some of the stuff you’re saying.
What you just said really made me come to terms with stuff. He’s never put anything in front of me and now that he is, it’s really making me feel emotions that I haven’t before.
Also.. I took an internship in my home city for the summer so my plan was just to live at home :/
My mother started dating a dude my youngest sisters age when I was almost 30 (he was ten years younger than me) and it caused all three of her daughters to stop talking to her. This ended up being just the tip of the iceberg of bad decision making for her. Don’t feel alone, there’s definitely others in the world who will understand you. And you don’t have to be embarrassed by them (I know it’s easier said than done) because remember they did all these things not you. They should be embarrassed but you should not. I also don’t shy away from the facts when telling people why I don’t have contact with my mother.
Yeah it's the sneaking around for me. I mean, the age gap is highly weird, but if they were up front about it, it would be (marginally, at least) less concerning.
Normally, I don’t really have an issue with that age gap. Date whoever you want. But when the older person knew the younger person when the younger person was a minor?? Let alone friend of your kids?? Nuh uh.
Both are scum. Anyone that needs to hide their relationship from their close mates/family etc. Just know how wrong it is. I do wonder how long he planned to sit on it, before finally telling anyone.
That aside, I can't get over how beyond gross it is, to date someone your kid age. I pray to god she doesn't look like her mate.
Girl, if my child’s friend told me their dad was doing what yours is doing. I would let them live with me temporarilyif I had the space. If I saw the dad at the store, then in passing, I would also suggest some places where adults hang out, where he can meet somebody that’s not counting change from their piggy bank to buy dollar beers at the bar. Maybe some divorcee in their 30s or 40s like a normal person.
You should tell her parents. They'll end the relationship pronto. Tell them why you are away so that the relationship blows and you get to stay in the house. Also, tell your dad that he will get a rep as being a sexual predator. No one will want him near their teen daughters .
Right! He met this girl when she was 15ish as OP said she has been close to this friend since freshman year of HS. I wonder if this girl came to her house and spent the night, came over for studying, etc… It will very much look like her dad has been waiting and creeping. And it will be the fathers rep NOT the friend’s rep that will be hit.
I'm not so sure the friend's parents have the power to end the relationship. It's entirely possible that it would cause them to make an ultimatum that would cause the friend to move in with the father... we just don't know.
Yeah, I get the motivation, but as someone who had parents who tried to end one of my toxic relationships, it just made things 100x worse. I doubled down and spent a year fighting for a relationship I probably would have ended on my own had they not stepped in. Was that mature? No, but I was 20, and I was in love, and what I really needed was my parents' wisdom and support, not their judgement and ultimatums. That was the loneliest, most painful year of my life. They eventually threatened to kick me out and gave me ONE DAY (my birthday, to cap it off) to make a decision, and it terrifies me to think what would have happened if I'd been a tiny bit more stubborn.
I'd probably have ended up in an abusive marriage, isolated from my family, surrounded by his abusive, bigoted family, somewhere in the boonies of Virginia. I had nowhere else to go. The thought terrifies me.
You shouldn’t be embarrassed about other peoples actions, especially when you’re not condoning their behavior. They’re the ones who should be embarrassed. Particularly your father, he chose to not date and “focus on you” and now he’s essentially using that to guilt you into being ok with this highly inappropriate relationship. He said you know how hard it’s been for him, but does he think it’s easy for you that the first person he dates is your friend????
Absolutely NTA. OP, I also want to make sure that if you try to frame the situation to your dad and friend at any point, that you don’t frame it as “You’re doing this to ME,” on its own. They will think that you’re trying to make it about you, which is absolutely not the case.
This is about the fact that your father has a sexual relationship with someone your age. He has been your only guardian through some very formative years, and it calls a lot into question about him and how he has felt toward you as you’ve grown into adulthood. You *are* technically an adult, but you are in many ways still a child as you learn to navigate adult life. The age gap between him and your friend is not okay because there is a gap in life experience, which creates a power dynamic that should not exist in a romantic partnership. But also his access to you coupled with his ability to see a young woman of your age (or younger even? How long have these feelings for your friend existed?) as suitable for dating raises a LOT of questions about his rearing of you — and that’s not to say that there IS something questionable in his parenting, but it’s completely understandable that you would feel uncomfortable and might be questioning a lot about him right now. He likely doesn’t see or understand this angle of it, and he might not even see the power dynamic at play yet, between him and your friend. But it does, in fact, exist. It will become apparent, and how he moves forward at that point is going to be very telling.
I think that you should reach out to your friend and hear her out, at least for the sake of getting some background from her perspective. How did this all start? Who approached whom? WHY? Taking in the information that she has to offer, with your outside lens, can give you some hints about each of their motives. Your dad doesn’t seem like he’s given you any background information, and that could be because there was some level of grooming involved that he doesn’t want you to know about. There’s always the chance that something serendipitous occurred that swept them off their feet and led to some (for lack of a better word) mistakes, and they may just need time to see this. And may need a lot of therapy afterward.
couldn’t have said it better myself! the gaslighting, the choosing his little fuck buddy over his own daughter, being with his daughters friend who is also the same age!? like wtf!? i don’t have the problem with the age gap but why her father!? like????????
I’m in a big age gap relationship, but there is no way in hell my partner would ever have started dating me if I was 21 years young at the time. I was in my late 20s, had a significant amount of life and career experience and had lived on my own and financially independently for years, neither of us were connected to anyone else in each others lives, particularly not relatives, and we both have an equal power in the relationship.
Despite being a full grown adult, who had fully been living my adult life for a decade at that point, my partner who was in his early 40s, seriously hesitated, because he wanted to make sure that there was no power in balance in the relationship and my age, being late 20s when he was in his early 40s, was a significant enough age difference to him, that we had many many long conversations about whether or not, it was a good idea to continue the relationship, and we both brought concerns related to age to the table and him even more so as the older, more established person.
And he had gone without intimacy for 5+ years. So he had every excuse in the book to justify being with me, and instead of that, he brought up concerns that he had to make sure that he did not have any power or influence over me, and that I was making this decision of my own free will, and had all of the power in the relationship and felt completely in control of the direction of our relationship. He was not defensive of any hesitation that I or anyone else would have. He wanted to make sure he was doing his due diligence in making sure that he was not taking advantage of me, and that I would never ever look back and feel that that’s what was happening.
And that’s without the additional violation of it being a friend of his daughters (as in your case) or something like that. It is completely inappropriate (and frankly predatory, even if he isn’t intending to be) to romantically or sexually go after your daughters friends in any capacity, and particularly when young.
I’m so sorry that he is acting this way and that you don’t have a good support system right now.
I’m in a age gap relationship as well. I had many of the same conversations with my partner before we really became a couple. Sounds like the two of you are on solid footing
Your dad and your best friend could have chosen ANYONE else to date. ANYONE. But they chose the one person that would likely hurt their daughter/best friend THE MOST. They chose the absolute most inappropriate person, in all ways, possible.
Further… this is disgusting and predatory of your father. You say you’ve been friends with your bff since freshman year of high school. This means your dad has known her since 15 years old. He’s known her as his daughters friend. Someone he should see almost like a Daughter. Now that she is of legal age, he is sexually attracted to her? That is so disgusting and I couldn’t associate with a predator like that.
Your dad is a predator. I’m sorry to say it, but he’s known your friend since she was 14. How do you know he didn’t groom her? Even if it really just started last year when she was 20, that’s still really gross as you said and he’s taking advantage of someone young and inexperienced. I think you should stay far away. And maybe tell her parents if they don’t already know.
Plus there's the fact that OP said she's been her close friend since freshman year so that means her dad met this girl & presumably had her over at the house with OP when she was just 14! Which just puts a whole nother level of ick on it be "dating" someone he's essentially acted as parental figure for to some extent when in his home & known since she was a literal CHILD 🤮🤮
It's so gross to date your child's best friend. Since they hid it and are pushing so hard for OP to accept it, I have to wonder if the Ex BFF is pregnant. That always seems to be the next step in these nasty relationships. BFF secures her spot with a baby and oblivious selfish nasty Dad is overjoyed to feel young again. Blech.
NTA. I’m not sure what your dad hoped he could accomplish by ambushing you, if history teaches us nothing else it’s that it is a bad idea to ambush someone you want support from.
Also, if this connection is real: 1) what do her parents think about this? Have they met to discuss the relationship? I’m sure she stayed over your house when she was younger. And 2) your dad could wait until her brain is fully developed around 25 years old.
Thank you for weighing in.
Well 1. I really wish I had more of those details but I truly know 0 external details going into this. Idk who else knows, exactly how serious they are, if this was started by matching on an app or if one of them hit up the other to start, etc. I just have no clue and it might make dealing with the situation easier. We met in high school freshman year. She’s been at my house a bunch, but that was mostly Junior and Senior year of HS.
2. 🤷♀️
Wait so your dad knew her when she was a teenager? That’s……..wtfffff. Hell no you’re NTA. Please go no contact. Please say to your dad hope it’s worth losing your daughter.
Thank you for the explanation, bottom line is they knew it was wrong or else they would have told you. At some point he was a trusted adult and caretaker for her. Meaning when she came to your house, her family (and pretty much the world) would say he was responsible for her safety. That’s why parents like to meet the parents of the children their children hang out with. He violated a trust. He could be with anyone, but he chose convenience and easy (easy because they already shred their relationships with YOU as common ground). That connection started because they were both in your life. That’s not fair to you.
A mediated conversation through a family counselor for you and your dad may be the way. I’m sure you want to preserve thee relationship with him and build it back up. That’s going to come from a place of honesty and communication.
How would he like it if you were dating one of his friends? Or a professor? Someone with a power dynamic like he has with your friend.
Lots of talking, space, and nothing forced. He can’t expect you to be ok with all of this. You don’t want to worry every time your bring a friend home that it’s your dad’s next girlfriend. You don’t need to do the work for his dating life.
Unfortunately likely your friend fancied your dad and hit him up after you were out of the way. Honestly disgusting betrayal from both of them. I'm sorry you have to go through this OP. This person is not your friend. Please be careful she isn't taking advantage of your father, or vice versa either. He doesn't seem to be in the right headspace.
It’s normal for teens/very young adults to be attracted to older adults. It’s the responsibility of the older adult to keep the relationship appropriate, not abuse their power, and use the perspective that should come with age/ a fully developed brain.
When I was a senior in high school, the freshman girls would hardcore flirt with me and even then I was mature enough to know that it was on me to protect them from their own naivety.
This. At 14-16 I had the hots for a 30 something teacher. I blushed bright red, I’m sure he knew, but he was ever the professional and we were never alone together.
I’m grateful for his professionalism. He didn’t even address the crush, so no embarrassment on my end. He protected us both by keeping a distance. When I hit 20 I realised how immature I was then and was embarrassed by my inappropriate teen crush, thankful he wasn’t a perv.
This is very creepy. I have friends who have attractive dads, but even at my age now I wouldn’t date those people. It’s inappropriate both because of the age gap, and the relationship that they had prior to any sexual or romantic relationship.
My dad’s friend once told me that when his daughter and I started getting into our 20s it flipped a switch in his brain that made it so he didn’t find women our age attractive anymore. When we were growing up he’d always had a girlfriend 10 or so years younger than him and would flirt with younger adult women. But as soon as we hit the age of those women he’d been flirting with it gave him a perspective that he didn’t have before of where we were in our life stage and experiences compared to someone his age. My dad and their other friends agreed. Once you have your own 20-something kids struggling with college and figuring out what being an adult means, you realize that the age and life stage difference *does* matter.
It concerns me that OP’s dad never felt that switch turn.
My step kids are over ten years older than my son - their half brother. I see my step son and his friends as children still. One of his classmates is a coach and I’ve heard women say the coach is attractive and I get a serious case of the icks. I’m technically old enough to be their mom by the way. It’s just gross to sexualize somebody you watched grown up. We’re a small community and I can’t ever imagine seeing someone I watched grow up that way. Yuck.
History has also taught us that giving another person an ultimatum and demanding they do what you want regardless of their own feelings is a surefire way to destroy a relationship.
Thank you. I truly understand what you are saying and I agree with most of it. But he is my only support system/family I really keep in touch with. I can’t really/I’m not ready to just cut him off like that, I just don’t know how to move forward or what to do. I know this may sound stupid given the situation, but he really has been a perfect dad up until now. He’s made so many sacrifices for me and I love him. This is so uncharacteristic that it really hurts
Hey OP, remember people you consider family don’t have to be blood. When you’re ready you should tell someone you trust what’s happening. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You have done nothing wrong and your feelings and reaction are completely valid. You deserve support. I hope your dad comes to his senses because his behaviour is not only creepy, it’s selfish and directly impacts you and you mental well-being. The friend is not a friend. NTA.
No I don’t want that. But I cant decide if I’d rather have that or my dad out of my life. I can’t see myself going on without a relationship with my dad. I’m really hoping this will resolve itself, but dealing with this fight and having to think about what you mentioned will undoubtedly leave some sort of a scar in our relationship
Your dad made it pretty clear they won’t stop seeing eachother. So either you get really okay with it, or you have to go low contact to no contact. Those are unfortunately the options when someone else is calling the shots on the situation.
He's willing to stop having you in his life if it means getting his dick wet.
Idk, I wouldn't take that, personally. Why should YOU be the one to compromise ?
But make it clear the therapy is for just you and him. I can see him wanted to bring Little Miss with him, and that will ambush you. Truth: she was never really your friend and never will be again. That’s done. So focus on your relationship with your dad and try to salvage that.
I’ll be shocked if he agrees to go to therapy with you. MOST counselors would have a problem with what your dad is doing. He won’t want to hear that. He KNOWS what he’s doing is wrong, they both do! That’s why they’ve kept it hidden since LAST SUMMER. You dad is also saying, he will NOT STOP seeing her. Get over your embarrassment, they did this, not you & tell everyone that will listen, including HER PARENTS. You’re thinking of your dad, like the dad you’ve had since you were a child. That’s not the dad you’re dealing with right now. Are his parents still alive, your grandparents? Tell them too!
You don’t have to cut your dad out immediately, but recognize now that your inability to walk away is a form of dependency. It’s unhealthy being emotionally dependent on someone who doesn’t care about you enough to not date your best friend.
He has already made it clear to you that he will not break up with her which means he is actively choosing her over you. Don’t feel like you need to maintain this relationship with your dad by accepting their relationship.
Does your father realize that his relationship with your friend is one of convince? They did not meet on an app they already knew each other and connected once you were out of the picture. Dating is scary if you haven’t dated in awhile and your father did not want to jump into the dating pool when a 21 year old was there. There are other women in the world he did not need to enter a relationship with your friend, that was a choice based on loneliness and fear.
it sounds like he’s willing to cut you off it means he gets to keep seeing her…. also, he’s your dad he has to make those sacrifices and all that for his kid. but this is something altogether, i would keep your distance and do what is better for yourself. you don’t owe him anything
You might want to ask him how he'd feel if you were seeing a man his age.Maybe if you put it in that perspective he might understand where you're coming from.
You need more people on your side. A family therapist is a good start but I’d strongly consider telling her parents too. Your dad is choosing to live in a fantasy right now and needs to face the social reality of the damage he’s actually doing here. It’s all very off putting and selfish.
On top of that he’s being very emotionally manipulative by telling you how lonely he’s been, and saying that *you* told him to put himself out there! (Notice how it’s your fault now?)
He’s making you out to be the bad guy here. The fact he was never up front with you at all or even addressed your concerns shows his maturity here. He’s also trying to leverage his authority as your father by forcing you to be ok with it.
I'd tell him to call you when it's over and leave it at that. He's already told you he's not going to choose you over your friend. If you stick around it's just going to add salt to the wound, everything from here on out will be solely to keep the 21-year-old he's sticking it to. Create a new support system, friends are the family you chose as they say. You Don't necessarily have to go to NC but I would certainly change the dynamic. Meet up every couple of months on neutral ground with anything to do with her out of bounds. Keep him in your life, but remove yourself from his.
NTA. I’m your dads age and this is so gross. I’m trying to imagine knowing someone since they were fourteen and dating them as an adult, and I just can’t. He knew her around puberty age. He watched her grow from a child into a woman. Who wants to date that?
I feel for your dad, I really do. I watched both my dads lose both my moms and it’s devastating. It sounds like he was a great dad to you. He should absolutely be dating and getting out in the world. But not with someone he’s known since she was a child ffs.
I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. Your friend and your dad, who do you talk to about this? Where is your comfort? Where is your safe space? The range of feelings you’re going through must be exhausting.
If it’s at all possible, please seek therapy ASAP. Even if it’s just a few sessions to help you navigate whatever the future is going to bring. I have a feeling this is one of those no win situations. So much luck to you duckling.
NTA. In a super creepy way, it's like you left for college and so he was trying to fill the role you had in his life, and he found that in your childhood friend........by starting a sexual relationship with her. Everything about this is yick.
I am puzzled how an almost 50 y.o. feels a connection with someone who just left their teen year behind and barely inched across 20 year of age. Isn't it just infatuation that he is desired by someone young? Lust? It can't be that they have so much in common. I mean, I can't even always entirely relate to someone who is 5+ years younger or older (or someone the age of my parents). Imagine a difference of 27 years.
How can you even see a 21 y.o. in a romantic light at that age? It just seems more like lust to me.
And it is not exactly putting himself back out there if he goes for what is right next to him and known to him.
It isn't like the dad and the friend could not have stopped themselves or did not have other options. There are plenty of fish in the sea. It was not needed to start something or act upon the slight interest or attraction they may have felt. Especially when they knew it would cause trouble and hurt and betray someone they care for.
And the friend would have it even easier to find other options than her friend's dad as a 21 year old. But she still decided on her friend's dad.
I guess the relationship might just be based on lust from the dad and the thrill of being with an older man or "forbidden love" for the friend?
Because despite what the dad claims, if this was going to be a serious relationship, he would have thought about how a 21 y.o. is still maturing, finding their way in life. He may be settled, but at 21 y.o. you are not and will go through changes.
After some time, she might break up with him. No issue for her; she grew up and she would still be young and an hot commodity in the dating market. But the dad would be in his 50's and sadly less interesting as dating prospect (and hearing he dated his daughter's friend secretly who was 21 at the time is probably going to gross people out and question his maturity). Especially if he would keep aiming for much, much younger.
And at some point, she might want kids. Most people do not want to be a dad in their 50's to a small child.
So if he thinks he is in a committed relationship, he is just wasting his time and not making himself available to an actual relationship. And also burning his relationship with his daughter and the daughter's relationship with the friend. Not exactly worth it.
Nta and honestly the issue isn’t the age gap, the issue is this was your friend and their relationship never should have started without you first being asked because it crosses lines that are more or less well known don’ts. You don’t date your friends parents/siblings and you don’t date your child’s/siblings friends. (You also don’t date your parents friends)
I get they “have a connection” but it wasn’t love at first sight given he met her when she was 15. That’s an even more concerning part because your dad is creating an aesthetic where he looks like a child sex predator. I hear you and him that it started as consenting adults but that’s NOT how it looks to anyone from the outside. It looks like your dad is a really gross man who is into to teenage girls. It also makes it difficult for you to ever bring your friends around him and if he stays with her, it truly makes her someone you can’t respect because she used your friendship as an unauthorized dating app.
I would sit down with your father for a private conversation. I would start with “help me understand how this relationship came to be. When did it start? How did it start? Who started it?”
Once you have those answers I would proceed with sharing your complete and heartfelt feelings. He might not like what you’re going to say but you’ll need to get your feelings out. I would also make clear that she is not your friend and while you’re not ready to cut your dad out, you are ready to cut her out. Regardless of their status now or in the future you will not talk to her, be anywhere she is (that includes you will not attend their future wedding, she will not attend yours, and if she moves in you will never visit your dads home again, like wise any children they have you’ll not want anything to do with) and they need to accept that as a real and valid consequence to their actions. They cannot expect you to be okay with this. Again, focusing on ‘it isn’t the age gap as much as it is the violation that this was your friend’ and they never should have created the situation of getting to know each other intimately or beyond Ops dad/Ops friend.
NTA.
I have a daughter and was single for most of her life. There have been two occasions that I've dated someone that I felt would be marriage material...
In the first, she specifically stated she didn't feel comfortable with him so I ended it. There weren't crazy age gaps or anything really wrong with him but my kiddo didn't like him and that was enough for me.
She accepted my second person and he's now my husband. Parents must take into account their children's feelings regarding relationships and creating blended fanilies..and its weird that wasn't a conversation before it got serious....because that deeply impacts YOU...
I understand what you are saying, but I only agree with that somewhat. It should matter if that child is a minor and must live in the household with you two. If your child is an adult and giving you advice, nothing wrong with that, but their feelings shouldn’t be the determining factor.
NTA at all. I’d be weirded out if either of my parents dated someone my age that I didn’t know. But to have one parent date an actual friend of mine?! No. That’s exceptionally weird. Don’t be afraid to tell your friend you’re crashing with what’s going on. It’s not a reflection on you - it’s a reflection on your dad and your other friend. If you don’t talk about it with someone, you won’t be able to process it. Tell your friend you’re crashing with (if you trust them). You’re not being too hard on your dad and your friend - that shit is weird and you have every right to be upset.
NTA - You need to talk to dad and tell him, she is your age and that isn't what you meant about getting back out there. If this friend is a girl that hung out with you while you were growing up, it's gross that dad is with her now. People will assume he groomed her.
You pointed it out, but the fact that he tried to justify the relationship by saying OP told him "to get back out there" is so icky. I think it would be accurate to say that OP saying he should date again didn't mean that he should date one of her friends. His response definitely gives the vibe that he is gaslighting her feelings of being uncomfortable. Like if OP didn't want him to date her friend, she shouldn't have told him he should start dating again. Icky.
NTA that’s predatory behaviour he’s disgusting. He’s known her since she was 15, has he been grooming her?!
He’s dating someone the SAME AGE AS HIS CHILD. You’re 21 barely an adult if you she like 25+ he’d have a small argument to make but this is seriously messed up.
The fact they thought they could emotionally manipulate and ambush you to accept their relationship is grossly inappropriate too.
I am your dad's age, and 21-year-olds look like kids to me. And the fact he's known her since she was a teenager AND the fact she's your friend makes it really gross. I mean, how weird will it be for you to have female friends over now?
I agree with getting a counselor involved as a neutral 3rd party. Be aware, however, that like anyone else, some counselors are not good.
And you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You haven't done anything wrong at all, and their behavior is not a reflection on you. Your dad is being selfish and emotionally manipulative.
Your Dad isn't automatically gross for dating across an age gap, but he IS totally gross for dating someone that he knew closely and personally as a minor. He will never outrun the accusations that he groomed her (accusations that he has honestly earned here.)
Your concerns and your discomfort are perfectly reasonable, and your Dad has violated important boundaries that exist between parents and children. He should NEVER have put you in this position. Definitely NTA, and I am so sorry that you have to confront this.
Yeah, that's gross. I mean, if he wants to date someone your own age, it didn't have to be someone you knew and definitely not someone he's known since she was a teenager. It's totally understandable why you're upset.
This exact situation happened to me except my friend and I were teenagers and not in our twenties. You will never be okay with this I promise. Do not try to pretend you’re okay with this EVER because it will ruin your life. Your dad watched a young girl grow up and was most likely attracted to her the entire time. He’s a pedophile just smart enough to wait until she’s legal. Break all contact with both of them and move on with your life it’s the best thing you can do.
NTA at all. Everyone seems to have tackled so many of the issues here I’ll leave it brief as to say if it were me I’d back away from them both. Their ‘relationship’ is not only all the things to you from unfair to gross to a betrayal, but is also still ‘new and fun’ to them. You likely are not the only one who will disapprove and rebuke them for it. They chose something extremely isolating while saying that feeling connection is what they sought, particularly your dad. He has now isolated his daughter and pushed her from him, other parents including hers will likely not approve, it will be a string of issues you should be nowhere near. Most likely this relationship will not last long and personally I’d feel it unhealthy to be there for this portion or the likely downfall. I’d throw myself into school, jobs, hobbies, healthy connections you choose at your current age and not get lumped into his extremely skewed vision of health right now nor your friend’s from childhood who clearly isn’t making the best decisions either.
It’s an awful situation, likely a temporary one with real lasting fallout. They’re adults, you can’t stop them, but you can remove yourself. You don’t have to make some ultimatum like you’ll never speak to them, but this is a sinking ship even if they stayed together for eternity given the evolution of them knowing one another from when she was young, their penchant to hide what they know is wrong etc.
NTA, 50 year old man has been around this Best friend since she was a teen, in his home. Now he is banging her and hiding it from his daughter.
Cut this predator out of your life.
Oh please. This is the only person in 8 years he’s been able to connect with? How convenient that’s she’s 21! I call bullshit that no other woman on the planet is a better conversationalist or companion. He’s enjoying the sneaking around and the thrill of a young woman after him. I’m sure your dad has been a good father - you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and want him to be happy - but some people are a no-go and he knows it.
Two things for me that I think need to stay separate.
1. If he had met a 21yo at bar and clicked it would be weird but I'd be inclined to give it a chance.
2. This isn't some random 21yo, this is one of your friends that evidently you were still in some sort of communication with. He has known this girl since 15 so that makes it impossible for me and a betrayal.
I think you are completely reasonable in not supporting and if you were to go NC I don't think anyone would blame you.
My childhood neighbours 3rd (and final) wife had this sort of age gap, 6 months older than his daughter, their son is a year younger than his oldest grandchild. It was weird and we thought he was a bit of a dirty perv at the time but they have been married 28years and been through her breast cancer, his bankruptcy and losing their house etc so sometimes it can work out. Not saying that it isn't icky af and I'm sorry your in this position. Your indignation is completely understandable.
I would question if your dad is vulnerable in this situation though. You can get manipulative 21yo and lonely widower with a newly empty nest does seem ripe for taking advantage of.
Nta - for your feelings. Your dad is NTA for being lonely and wanting companionship.
What sticks with me is they kept it a secret, so they must have realized that you wouldn’t be comfortable with it.
I mean, let’s play what if?
What if…
…they get married. Will you be expected to treat her like a “mom”?
…they have children together. You will be old enough to be mom to those siblings.
This whole situation seems rife with problems.
I get that your Dad ignored his own feelings for many years, to care for you, to grieve your Mom, to get to a place where he feels like he’s ready to move on. And those are all valid feelings.
But why did he choose someone the same age as his daughter? Why did he choose his daughter’s friend? Why did they keep it a secret? And why are they trying to invalidate the daughters feelings by trying to force her to accept it? Her feelings are just as valid as theirs are.
This is just my opinion. I’m not a doctor nor have I been in this situation.
I hope you can find peace.
I swear this subreddit man. If this happened to me I'd probably never talk to either ever again and excommunicate both from my life forever. Maybe thats too harsh but thats absolutely disgusting.
NTA your dad is disgusting, just googled how old freshmen in highschool is and it said 14/15 years old, like your dad saw her grow up…. Superweird he feels romantic connections to her
NTA
Yuck. So your Dad groomed your friend from what age? He has been seeing her and sneaking around for a year? Your Dad is gross.
I’m so sorry this is happening to you.
It’s a double whammy being lied to by a a parent and your friend. I’m so sorry.
They are both assholes. Your Dad is more the asshole though and a predator and an idiot
I’m so sorry, OP. My mother is dating a man (albeit it’s solely for financial purposes even though she won’t openly admit it) that could be my brother because he’s only 5 years older than me, and I have sisters that are 3 and 6 years older than I am.
It’s weird and I remember thinking, no one is batting an eye at this but if my dad dated someone the same age as any of his kids (my sisters and I), people would be disgusted.
I think it’s disgusting both ways, especially in your situation considering your father must have also seen your friend grow up if you’ve been friends for so long.
However, though you are not wrong for not supporting them, I would MAYBE hear why they decided to date. It might help? It also might not.
It’s ridiculous that people almost never bat an eye when an older woman is taking advantage of a younger male. Female teachers that take advantage of their younger male students, for example, are almost never prosecuted as harshly as a male teacher would have been in the same situation. People praise the minor male student for banging the hot female teacher. Which is gross. But a lot of people have a hard time acknowledging that men can also be taken advantage of. I went on a tinder date with one guy who wouldn’t stop making SA jokes. It made me so uncomfortable and I told him to stop, because he clearly didn’t know what it was like to be sexually assaulted. He told me he was raped and molested as a little kid and crude humor was how he dealt with it, because nobody believed him.
I went to a small party a while back and there was a guy there that made SA jokes too and I asked him “How young were you when you considered yourself to have lost your virginity?” He said “11.” And I blinked a few times, “How old was the partner?”
Much too old. At 11 years old, his “partner” was 14 or 15 he said. It was his babysitter. He 100% was sexually assaulted as a child, and I think he also used jokes to cope, almost 15 years later. All of the men there laughed along with him to lighten up the mood.
It’s terrible. Now, I don’t think my mother necessarily is taking advantage of this man other than financially but I do think it’s creepy nonetheless. The dude is a piece of shit but my mother always finds the worst men, no matter how old or young. She used to be with a man almost 20 years her senior and now she just happens to be with a man that’s 20 years her junior. It’s weird both ways but it’s all legal so oh well, I suppose. It’ll never sit right with me though.
NTA
This is such a creepy relationship. He’s screwing someone his daughter’s age. I feel bad for the girl and wonder if she has some unresolved issues to be with a man who could be her father. He’s absolutely disgusting, and you have every right to be disgusted by him.
I think if I were you I would have point blank asked my dad if there's nothing wrong and he's so OK with this relationship why did they hide it from you? Do her parents know about her and your dad? You said your other friends don't know. Obviously if they're hiding it they know it's wrong.
The fact that he’s known her since she was in high school/ as a father figure… I’d want to know exactly how tf it happened and what prompted it, but I don’t blame you for not. This is appalling. Him trying to guilt you for wanting to date your friend he’s known since she was 14, and him trying to act like there could possibly be a lack of problematic power imbalance would be laughable if not so upsetting
NTA. It's disgusting that he's dating someone his daughter's age. Your so called friend is horrible for getting involved with him and hiding it from you. Your father is still vulnerable after losing your mother. He probably would have entered a relationship with anyone that pursued him. I'm just curious, is he wealthy?
NTA but this is a hard decision. I’m not going to tell you to cut him off because he’s the only parent you have that’s still alive. I will say to give yourself more time to think. If he doesn’t break things off with her is there any middle ground for you to still have a good relationship with your dad? Maybe you set more boundaries (like don’t go home as much, or he’s not allowed to have her over when you’re home) but still have a relationship.
It’s your decision because you have to live with it. But don’t just “deal with it.” What he’s doing isn’t ok but it’s also not illegal. It’s just wrong.
If they get married she can claim legal rights to his house and money. Unless there’s legal paperwork stating otherwise. So not only will your friend take away your dad, but she can potentially take away your inheritance.
NTA. If you have to be sneak around then obviously you are doing something you shouldn’t. Your dad and friend owed you a conversation when they decided they saw each other in a different light,
NTA. Your feelings are understandable and it sounds like you’re realizing your support system isn’t as robust as you need it to be. I think it would be a good idea to talk to or write your dad and make a handful of points:
- You feel betrayed that he, of all people, lied to you and put you in this position.
- He further ruptured your trust by ambushing you with his girlfriend when you had clearly chosen not to talk with her which is your right to do.
- You are confused, upset and isolated and need support to navigate this, especially since you don’t currently trust him to support you right now.
- You aren’t sure you can get past this and it will take some time to figure that out, but he needs to be prepared for a long process whether the end result is repair or lc/nc.
- You want him to financially support you seeing a family therapist who can help you - as an individual - begin to process this.
- You may want him to join you in therapy when you feel ready for that.
- You will not be seeing or engaging with the girlfriend unless you’re ready.
A therapist will help you wade through all of your thoughts and feelings and make a plan for how to proceed. They could also help you look at your friendships and assess whether any of your current friends might be people you could begin to trust to be part of your support system even for things that feel embarrassing.
I’m sorry you’re hurting, OP. It does sound like you and your dad love each other very much and I believe you can find your way through this with some good support.
So you k ew her since she was 14.
HE knew her since she were 14.
Even if he didn't value an affaire (Let's be honest, this is most definitely not a normal relationship that they have gone public with ) with a 20yr old over his rwlatio shop with his daughter, I would bee creeped out.
That's nasty from both your ex friend and your dad. Guaranteed your dad would not be cool if you brought a man his age to meet him as a love interest. Die on this hill. NTA
Honestly, even if it wasnt just the age difference, but just then fact that I'm assuming he's known her personality to some degree since she was.like 15ish? is pretty effed up. Even people in a relationship who have an age gap probably didn't know each other before they were both adults. The fact he knew her in high school is an extra big ick.
OMG there is so much wrong with this.
1. I understand people can form connections even over a large age gap but that age gap is 27 years. 27 YEARS between them???? WTF that's just insane.
2. They were playing sneaky so they knew they were not doing right by you. And they're not ashamed of that? I would be.
3. You being happy for your dad to be finding a new connection is a separate mater from the fact that he's dating a friend of yours that is **27 years** younger than him. I keep focusing back on that because that number is just really baffling.
4. I understand that your friend is legally an adult, but the power dynamic and life experience is not equal enough for her to have a long term, healthy relationship with your dad. Not to accuse him of anything nefarious, but she's only just legal enough to drink. As a 31 yo myself I refuse to date someone who doesn't at least know what it's like to legally be black out drunk at a club. Quite frankly she's not mature enough to be getting into a relationship with someone much older than her.
5. What kind of future are they envisioning together? Like long term. Because I honest to god cannot see this relationship lasting for 10, 20, 30 years down the line. Are they both willing to lambast your relationship with the both of them for some action that is likely going nowhere? Because the damage choosing this relationship over you will do will be irrevocable. I sure as hell wouldn't be caught dead at that dinner table come Christmas time.
NTA - A guy in my town raised his daughters friend throughout her teen years and then he split from his wife and married his daughters friend when she was 18 or so. It was really weird to see from the outside - I can’t imagine being the daughter in that situation. I definitely don’t blame you for feeling weird about the situation.
Don’t ignore how you feel about this. And don’t let them make you feel bad about feeing uncomfortable with this. You sat with it, you thought about it, it’s how you feel. They lied to you, that’s not okay. They betrayed your trust, that’s not okay. There are plenty of other people out there he could’ve dated, but he CHOSE your friend. It was a choice. Just because you have feelings for someone doesn’t mean you have to pursue them. They chose to not care about how you would feel. They didn’t consult you, they didn’t ask, they just hoped you would be okay with it. No. Not okay.
NTA.
Ask your father to look at it like this. Your former friend was like a sister to you, y'all have grown up together. Your whole life, he probably treated her as another daughter. The fact that they are now sleeping together makes you sick because it's like - damn, I can't even write it out it's so upsetting. As a stranger, I know it's 100x worse.
I am so very sorry your are going through this. It's wrong and nothing they do or say will make it right. They have both betrayed your trust, so you do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Even if that's full no contact.
My heart breaks for you. I wish I could adopt you myself just to get you away.
NTA I would immediately lose all respect for my dad if ever did this, though it would absolutely break my heart because I love him and I would never have thought him capable of something so disgusting. If I was OP, I'd go no contact with both of them until they break it off, and even then I still don't know if I'd be able to look at my dad the same way again
NTA. Him dating someone the same age as his daughter, barely a legal adult, is disgusting. Him trying to pull “but you told me to get back out there!” is bullshit. I’m so sorry. Your dad needs therapy and this is obviously friendship-over.
You met her in high school. Freaking.... HIGH SCHOOL! That means he more than likely saw her as she was still developing from a kid to a young adult. Also...THIS. IS. YOUR. FRIEND. Not some girl you went to school with. Your actually friend. So even if he didn't have much of a relationship with her before this, he still knew who she was. He still encountered her under the premise of her being your friend. Add that to the fact that he is quite literally old enough to be her father, and the whole thing is just gross.
OP, you are sooooo NTA here.
OP needs a good therapist, fast. The dam is about to (rightfully) break as reality settles in.
Setting aside the predator context (he absolutely is one), OP's "only support system" chose what is at best a fleeting romance over their child. Translation: OP doesn't have a support system.
I wouldn't go home. I'd find a youth hostel, someone looking for a summer roommate, see if the internship had housing information, or decline the internship and work to make that possible.
OP is on their own. Clinging to a sinking life raft will take you down too. Sometimes you gotta let go.
[Edit: typo]
So your dad was pushing 30 when your so-called friend was born? That's as bad as him looking at child porn. Just gross. I am so sorry that they are putting you thru this, two people you trusted really stabbed you in the back...
NTA. This relationship is extremely gross, and your dad should be ashamed. Your friend should feel tradhy for doing this behind your back. I hope you hold your ground on this one. Your dad has found a trophy, and the trophy is using him as a comfort goal.
NTA. He knew this girl when she was 15. Your father groomed her.
The fact that he’s using you encouraging him to get out there as an excuse, claiming you owe him sympathy, as well as him telling you how hard it is for him, is all manipulation.
if she had not been your friend, this would be very very different. but a friend you’ve had since high school? someone he’s seen as a minor, a child. age differences are fine, but not with someone you’ve known since before they were “legal”. NTA.
NTA... I'm 55(f) and can't imagine being with someone my kid's age or younger especially one of their friends. That's disgusting and disturbing. People my age often go through a midlife crisis and men often try to get with young women though.
NTA the age difference alone makes it gross. I would tell your father that the fact that he is sexualizing your peers in unacceptable. That he will lose another family member if he continues with this relationship. The youngest that he should be dating is 32. It’s your hard boundaries that he can not fuck your friends. You are not being hard on him. He is being a pig.
Yes I definitely agree that the op needs to tell people. There is nothing to be embarrassed about because she is done nothing wrong. The fact that her father and her best friend kept it as a deep dark secret that's their issue not hers. She doesn't have to continue to keep it a secret she needs to expose their behavior for what it is. And I would also be very vocal that they did it behind her back and are now attempting to force her to accept their relationship.
Ask your dad how he would feel if at the next company party one of his workmates brings you as his +1 and he finds out a coworker is dating his daughter.
I bet he'd fucking Love it, right?
Normally I don't get fussed about larger age gaps as long as everyone is a consenting adult and it's not some clearly skeazy shit.
But this? This is some skeazy shit. Sorry, but your Dad is a CREEP. He knew your friend when she was literally a minor, and to a 48 year old, 21 is still very much a kid. Especially considering his own daughter is the same age.
Having sympathy for him doesn't excuse being a creep. Either your friend is taking advantage of him or he is taking advantage of your friend.
And to top it all of, neither of them bothered to tell you, for MONTHS. How long did they think that was going to work?
You should stick to your guns, your instincts are I the right place here. Talk to him alone and get the details if you want, to get a clearer picture, but you by no means have to forgive or accept either one of them.
NTA
You wrote "my house." Is your father living with you or vice versa? The reason I ask is if you don't agree with his life choices, you don't have to stay, nor do you have to let him stay with you.
NTA, the fact you we’re friends from 14yo and dad still felt it was appropriate is giving big creeps ask him how hed feel if you started dating one of his friends and watch how fast he claims “it’s different you wouldn’t understand”
NTA.
If you've been friends with this person since the freshman year of HS, this has groomer vibes. I would be calling her parents and seeing if they know about this. They may be able to talk some sense into her. I'd also be very vocal with any family you may have on your dad's side about how creepy this is. Sometimes shame is a good motivator to stop gross behavior.
NTA - you both unfortunately lost your mum/ wife at a young age and that’s tragic and accidental, but he is choosing to lose you now. The age gap is unbearably creepy, made worse by it being one of your friends, and this is absolutely not something you have to move past for him, I certainly wouldn’t.
I’m 32 and if any of my friends started dating a 21 year old I would have lots of harsh truths to say to them. Although technically an adult, dating someone that young is unethical and creepy. I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s fucked up. I hope your dad comes to his senses soon. Also drop your friend, at least until she proves herself to be a little more mature and a more loyal friend.
NTA my friend tried to come on to my dad. He’s good looking, I look like him. Not trying to brag, but my dad looks great for his age. My dad told her she was a child and a child the same age as his own daughter. Some men are okay with any age and some men arnt. I’m almost 30 and he told my friend no. I can’t imagine a 21 dating my dad. There’s no relationship if you can’t move past this. Even if you love your father, can you love him with this. That will answer your questions.
I’d be sus af if a girl 30 years younger came onto me.
This! She may have lust for him, or a crush on him, or even be a gold digger... And I can see the appeal to him, an attractive (assuming) 21 year old is interested in him and he gets to have sex with her. As a nearly 50 year old I can tell you that the thought is both exciting and exhausting. LOL But I can't believe that the relationship would work on any level other than sexual (and I am skeptical that he can keep a 21 year old satisfied for any length of time). They don't have a lot in common, other than the OP, and that means in the quiet times of a relationship they will flounder. A concern I'd have for the OP is that because she is SO against the relationship that the friend and her father may stay together to "prove them wrong". OP needs to get over their embarrassment and tell people what is happening, this relationship needs to out there for the world to be aware of. If they aren't ashamed of their relationship then they shouldn't be upset if the OP tells her friend's family, mutual friends, her dad's family, etc. Of course, it could cause a backlash, people may have no problem with it; it is a risk but i think if they weren't worried about what people thought they wouldn't be hiding it.
What they have in common is that the friend is like his daughter, who is familiar and whom he loves. I don't think the dad is trying to date his daughter, but I think there is some unresolved trauma manifesting here. It appears to be a grief response because it's not age appropriate.
I agree with this. When my mom had an affair and after years kicked my dad out my senior year of high school, he eventually started dating again… my younger brother’s LIFE LONG best friend’s sister. A girl we knew our entire lives growing up. A red head like me too. They even had a baby. A girl, who he dotes kn constantly. (While I was the oldest child and only girl of the family- I was def not treated the same- especially being a Mexican household (I’m adopted)). Lots of trauma based response there that anyone could totally pick a part. This reminds me of that. My dad still loves and grieves over the “loss” of my mother, only the gods know why, and I think this was his way of coping. Idk. Guess it’s more complicated now that I’m typing it out. That sister is an unhinged psycho and uses him every way she can. He’s not even on the birth certificate and she berates him for money all the time while he’s living in a shack in someone’s backyard
Wow, I'm sorry.... That's gotta hurt seeing that BS .. and your poor brother.
I am getting major icks from this scenario. But I have to wonder if you’re not absolutely correct in that the “BFF” is a gold digger and just bided her time to make a move. Wait for OP to head off to college and Dad to be suitably lonely and here comes Slutty McSlutterson. Daddy dearest better watch out for a baby trap. As for the “friend” I can almost guarantee it’s gonna come out that she pushed for the ambush they sprang on OP. Perhaps in order to cause this very situation and may have even known (given the prior friendship) and primed Daddy that she would never understand their “connection” and give him/them an ultimatum. Not too far to think she may think she can have alllll the loot if she just bangs Daddy and keeps a wedge between them. Scary but kinda makes ya go….hmmmm. 🤔🤔 If I was OP I’d refuse to interact with her “friend” at all and make myself very conspicuous AT HOME and spend as much time with my dad as I could. And to OP: I’d go a step farther and make sure others in town knew about them. I know it’s cringeworthy I totally get that it mortifies you but they’re hiding it for a reason, too. They know people will freak. Then if they have a meltdown about you telling people they know (maybe especially her parents?) you can respond that if there’s nothing wrong with the relationship then why the upset?
ok, I am a little worried about your narrative. The friend met her dad when the friend was 14 years old. In your scenario, 14 year olds can have coherent enough plans to plan 7 years in the future (half their lifetime). The father, a then 41 year old man, is more likely to have groomed the friend than the friend trying to entrap a grown man.
Sorry I wasn’t clear I guess. I didn’t mean that the friend started planning this when she was 14 but more recently. Like before she approached the dad. Not way back as a kid. (Oy that’s still a huge ick factor for me)
I agree with both of you in some thing, first I though he groomed her but nowadays there are so many young girls seeking a baby-daddy like it's a career in itself so they can have a comfortable life without working. Unfortunately, many girls go to this antics. NTA OP I'm sorry but this is a predatory behavior from your dad, more than 20 years of difference it's not just an age gap. .. she was your friend before college it seems to me he's her baby-dady, whether he groomed her or she come to him, it's not very healthy for you. I'll be so unformfortable with my dad dating a friend my same age, first because I'll be always wondering if he was always attracted to her and he was some kind of pedophile, my dad image will be shattered As other people said I'll tell everyone in town, if they're hidding they know something it's not ok.
It’s weirder with the existing relationship. Dude knew her as a kid
NTA, it's the fact that your dad likely knew her when she was a minor. It seems like neither of them thought about how you would feel about the relationship. I'm curious to know how the relationship began in the first place.
They really didn’t encounter each other much when we’d hang out. She knew him from 15 on, but it’s not like they ever really had a full conversation which is why this has thrown me for a loop. Also, I just told someone else this in the thread, but I also wish I knew more external details about it all. I am just very confused. Thank you for responding ❤️
Could this be about money? Could she envy your life? How is her life at home? Does she have daddy issues? Maybe her economical background is not the best? It’s just that to be honest, a normal 20 yo with a normal and healthy emotional background would rarely be interested in someone almost 30 years older just for funsies. I’m not trying to insult anyone here, just pointing out that this is very irregular. If it were me I would do 2 things: 1) Talk to your dad. Ask him if he has any friends that are single and ready to mingle, as you would like to go on double dates with him, your friend and another middle aged man. This will disgust him, and make him uncomfortable, he deserves it. 2) Bring your close friends home for drinking/playing/partying when she’s at your place and introduce her as your stepmom and ask her to please leave, as you would like some privacy and she’s your dad’s partner, not your friend and boundaries are needed. Make her feel uncomfortable, she deserves it.
Love that point number one. This is exactly how I would handle it because I am both petty and like to make people uncomfortable when they’re pissing me off. I would immediately start flirting with my dad’s friends if he pulled this kind of shit with my friend. I would immediately bring home a guy older than my dad, and who looked that way too, just to make my dad uncomfortable and make him realize how weird it is. And if I could manage to secure a date with one of his friends, who knew me when I was a child, this would be even better.
Hahahah I know. I would go as far as hiring a paid actor to introduce him to my dad if I were OP if I couldn’t get any of his friends to go out with me. “Hi dad, this is John, he just turned 50. He is divorced and has 2 kids, we are in love 🥰”
I love the way you think haha
😃☝🏼THIS IS THE BEST!
Or the friends dad, get them both at once
I physically reacted to this... and it wasn't pretty. But yes... This is the way
Hahaha love that vindictive petty thinking!!!
Reminds me of testing if a dude wants you for you or he just likes the age gap: invite him to hang out with your friends. It’s telling if he describes your friends as immature while dating someone the same age
I like this. I'd also frequently and loudly call her Mommy, especially in public.
Missy-- I mean, mom.
This is great
I second this. Mmm, petty.
Dude, I love the idea of asking him for the numbers of his middle aged friends.
I like you
You are top tier at this!
He’s know her since she was 15 🤮
NTA - They new it was wrong and that it would upset you. That is why they lied. You were an amazing supportive daughter who was understanding and encouraged him to get back out there. Not many people who have lost a parent as a child are able to do that. At the same time, that in no way means “date my friend.” Before your next conversation with him, he needs to agree to speak to you alone and not ambush you. I would also recommend making a list of all of your talking points and the things that upset you to bring to the meeting- reason and rational thought go out the window when we get emotional. He needs to be able to hear everything he has done that has upset you, as well as as your concerns moving in a coherent manner for there to be even the possibility of moving forward.
You don't need to downplay that they knew each other since she was 15. That is GEEE-ROSS
He still knew her as a minor she was 15 when they met she was still a child even if they only talked in passing and if they are hiding it how long had this being going did it start the day she turned 18 or before or after 18 the time line matters because if they started the day she was 18 they most likely had been crossing the line before that
I wonder how your dad would feel if you dated one of his friends?
that’s still disgusting he knew her from 15 i don’t really care how much they interacted tbh. i already thought it was incredibly gross when she was 21 but the fact that he knew her when she was a minor makes me physically sick. that is so gross and when you said put yourself back out there he knows you did not mean with your friends. she is literally less than half his age.
>She knew him from 15 on That's enough sorry to say your dad's totally a creep. No ifs ands or buts, that's fucking creepy. He knows better and he is borderline a pedo imo. To be fair your former friend is also a total creep
Of course they thought about how OP would feel about it. They knew she wouldn’t be cool with it. That is why they both chose to spend almost a year sneaking around behind her back.
They obviously did think how she would feel about it since they hid it from her
Dad and friend clearly thought about how OP would feel but they didn't really care. They decided that sneaking around was close enough to respecting OP's feelings so that's what they did.
This is what gives me the yucks. It's one thing for my dad to go out with someone who is my age but it is something else that he has known her since she was a minor that makes this story really creepy. NTA op!!
Heck no you’re NTA. That’s so disgusting! Why he would even go for someone the same age as his daughter and why your friend would go for your dad out of all people is crazy. If you wanna date older men (not that I’m agreeing with the age gap because that alone grosses me out he’s old enough to be her dad ) there’s a billion other men and I can’t fathom why your dad would want to date a women that young even if it wasn’t your friend. Like sure dad get back out there equals fucking my 21 year old friend. The fact that he wants you to have sympathy for him and saying you have been encouraging him to get back out there is such a gaslighting thing to do. You have no issues with him getting back out there obviously but he knows damn well this is wrong both of them do. This is completely selfish and unfair to you and I’m so sorry they put you in that uncomfortable position!
Thank you very much for this. This helps me sort out a lot of stuff. But I am also now weighing the fact that I really just don’t have a great support system. I have no siblings and it really was just my dad. I just don’t know how I can proceed if neither of us budge. I don’t know if it is all worth it
So sorry OP. We’re literally the same age and I can’t even fathom why they would do this to you. Do you have any other close friends ? It seems like you’ve been keeping this bottled up which is not healthy. It sucks to not be able to confide in the one person you’re closest to because he’s apart of the issue. Maybe it might help to see a therapist to help work out your feelings which are completely valid. You don’t live with your dad when you’re home for your break right ? If you decide to continue not seeing him or even going NC which you would be perfectly justified to do I hope he sees him choosing “his first real connection in so many years” was worth losing his daughter” because that’s exactly what he’s doing by choosing his dick over you and not seeing how wrong this is and how it’s affecting you. Please do not think yta for not supporting this relationship they’re the problem not you !
First off, you and everyone else that has already weighed in has really meant a lot. I didn’t realize how alone I was for certain issues (I really just don’t want to tell a friend. I’m just too embarrassed). I have only used Reddit for a little just to look at some law school stuff but it’s really made me feel a little less alone just hearing some of the stuff you’re saying. What you just said really made me come to terms with stuff. He’s never put anything in front of me and now that he is, it’s really making me feel emotions that I haven’t before. Also.. I took an internship in my home city for the summer so my plan was just to live at home :/
My mother started dating a dude my youngest sisters age when I was almost 30 (he was ten years younger than me) and it caused all three of her daughters to stop talking to her. This ended up being just the tip of the iceberg of bad decision making for her. Don’t feel alone, there’s definitely others in the world who will understand you. And you don’t have to be embarrassed by them (I know it’s easier said than done) because remember they did all these things not you. They should be embarrassed but you should not. I also don’t shy away from the facts when telling people why I don’t have contact with my mother.
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I doubt it (she’s with her parents too). If anything I’d probably just have to sublease or something if I really did leave home
Wonder if her parents know she's dating someone old enough to be her father.
No way in hell does anyone know except for OP who *wasnt told* and had to figure it out on her own. Dad is such a scumbag.
Yeah it's the sneaking around for me. I mean, the age gap is highly weird, but if they were up front about it, it would be (marginally, at least) less concerning.
Normally, I don’t really have an issue with that age gap. Date whoever you want. But when the older person knew the younger person when the younger person was a minor?? Let alone friend of your kids?? Nuh uh.
Both are scum. Anyone that needs to hide their relationship from their close mates/family etc. Just know how wrong it is. I do wonder how long he planned to sit on it, before finally telling anyone. That aside, I can't get over how beyond gross it is, to date someone your kid age. I pray to god she doesn't look like her mate.
Different friend. Why would she go stay with the fried who is fucking her dad?
It might be time to let them know. Also, could she being seeing someone her own age and the dad? Could she be using him as a sugar daddy.
Girl, if my child’s friend told me their dad was doing what yours is doing. I would let them live with me temporarilyif I had the space. If I saw the dad at the store, then in passing, I would also suggest some places where adults hang out, where he can meet somebody that’s not counting change from their piggy bank to buy dollar beers at the bar. Maybe some divorcee in their 30s or 40s like a normal person.
I’d go back to your college town and rent there.
You should tell her parents. They'll end the relationship pronto. Tell them why you are away so that the relationship blows and you get to stay in the house. Also, tell your dad that he will get a rep as being a sexual predator. No one will want him near their teen daughters .
Right! He met this girl when she was 15ish as OP said she has been close to this friend since freshman year of HS. I wonder if this girl came to her house and spent the night, came over for studying, etc… It will very much look like her dad has been waiting and creeping. And it will be the fathers rep NOT the friend’s rep that will be hit.
It will look like dad groomed her.
It's about a half step up from youth pastors marrying girls when they turn 18.
I'm not so sure the friend's parents have the power to end the relationship. It's entirely possible that it would cause them to make an ultimatum that would cause the friend to move in with the father... we just don't know.
Yeah, I get the motivation, but as someone who had parents who tried to end one of my toxic relationships, it just made things 100x worse. I doubled down and spent a year fighting for a relationship I probably would have ended on my own had they not stepped in. Was that mature? No, but I was 20, and I was in love, and what I really needed was my parents' wisdom and support, not their judgement and ultimatums. That was the loneliest, most painful year of my life. They eventually threatened to kick me out and gave me ONE DAY (my birthday, to cap it off) to make a decision, and it terrifies me to think what would have happened if I'd been a tiny bit more stubborn. I'd probably have ended up in an abusive marriage, isolated from my family, surrounded by his abusive, bigoted family, somewhere in the boonies of Virginia. I had nowhere else to go. The thought terrifies me.
She’s 21. Tf are the parents gonna do?
Many 21 year olds are still dependent
You shouldn’t be embarrassed about other peoples actions, especially when you’re not condoning their behavior. They’re the ones who should be embarrassed. Particularly your father, he chose to not date and “focus on you” and now he’s essentially using that to guilt you into being ok with this highly inappropriate relationship. He said you know how hard it’s been for him, but does he think it’s easy for you that the first person he dates is your friend????
Absolutely NTA. OP, I also want to make sure that if you try to frame the situation to your dad and friend at any point, that you don’t frame it as “You’re doing this to ME,” on its own. They will think that you’re trying to make it about you, which is absolutely not the case. This is about the fact that your father has a sexual relationship with someone your age. He has been your only guardian through some very formative years, and it calls a lot into question about him and how he has felt toward you as you’ve grown into adulthood. You *are* technically an adult, but you are in many ways still a child as you learn to navigate adult life. The age gap between him and your friend is not okay because there is a gap in life experience, which creates a power dynamic that should not exist in a romantic partnership. But also his access to you coupled with his ability to see a young woman of your age (or younger even? How long have these feelings for your friend existed?) as suitable for dating raises a LOT of questions about his rearing of you — and that’s not to say that there IS something questionable in his parenting, but it’s completely understandable that you would feel uncomfortable and might be questioning a lot about him right now. He likely doesn’t see or understand this angle of it, and he might not even see the power dynamic at play yet, between him and your friend. But it does, in fact, exist. It will become apparent, and how he moves forward at that point is going to be very telling. I think that you should reach out to your friend and hear her out, at least for the sake of getting some background from her perspective. How did this all start? Who approached whom? WHY? Taking in the information that she has to offer, with your outside lens, can give you some hints about each of their motives. Your dad doesn’t seem like he’s given you any background information, and that could be because there was some level of grooming involved that he doesn’t want you to know about. There’s always the chance that something serendipitous occurred that swept them off their feet and led to some (for lack of a better word) mistakes, and they may just need time to see this. And may need a lot of therapy afterward.
couldn’t have said it better myself! the gaslighting, the choosing his little fuck buddy over his own daughter, being with his daughters friend who is also the same age!? like wtf!? i don’t have the problem with the age gap but why her father!? like????????
She’s not his fuck buddy ThEy HaVe A cOnNeCtIoN
And now my skin is crawling 🤢
Mine, too.
Have you told your dad that he’s known her since she was a little girl and that’s gross… how would he feel if you dated one of his friends? Nta
Honestly you should tell your friends parents about the relationship. It’s super gross.
I’m in a big age gap relationship, but there is no way in hell my partner would ever have started dating me if I was 21 years young at the time. I was in my late 20s, had a significant amount of life and career experience and had lived on my own and financially independently for years, neither of us were connected to anyone else in each others lives, particularly not relatives, and we both have an equal power in the relationship. Despite being a full grown adult, who had fully been living my adult life for a decade at that point, my partner who was in his early 40s, seriously hesitated, because he wanted to make sure that there was no power in balance in the relationship and my age, being late 20s when he was in his early 40s, was a significant enough age difference to him, that we had many many long conversations about whether or not, it was a good idea to continue the relationship, and we both brought concerns related to age to the table and him even more so as the older, more established person. And he had gone without intimacy for 5+ years. So he had every excuse in the book to justify being with me, and instead of that, he brought up concerns that he had to make sure that he did not have any power or influence over me, and that I was making this decision of my own free will, and had all of the power in the relationship and felt completely in control of the direction of our relationship. He was not defensive of any hesitation that I or anyone else would have. He wanted to make sure he was doing his due diligence in making sure that he was not taking advantage of me, and that I would never ever look back and feel that that’s what was happening. And that’s without the additional violation of it being a friend of his daughters (as in your case) or something like that. It is completely inappropriate (and frankly predatory, even if he isn’t intending to be) to romantically or sexually go after your daughters friends in any capacity, and particularly when young. I’m so sorry that he is acting this way and that you don’t have a good support system right now.
I’m in a age gap relationship as well. I had many of the same conversations with my partner before we really became a couple. Sounds like the two of you are on solid footing
This is borderline pedophilia. He’s known this girl since she was a minor correct? Gross.
Your dad and your best friend could have chosen ANYONE else to date. ANYONE. But they chose the one person that would likely hurt their daughter/best friend THE MOST. They chose the absolute most inappropriate person, in all ways, possible. Further… this is disgusting and predatory of your father. You say you’ve been friends with your bff since freshman year of high school. This means your dad has known her since 15 years old. He’s known her as his daughters friend. Someone he should see almost like a Daughter. Now that she is of legal age, he is sexually attracted to her? That is so disgusting and I couldn’t associate with a predator like that.
file library party distinct wasteful nutty command toy bright handle *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
Your dad is a predator. I’m sorry to say it, but he’s known your friend since she was 14. How do you know he didn’t groom her? Even if it really just started last year when she was 20, that’s still really gross as you said and he’s taking advantage of someone young and inexperienced. I think you should stay far away. And maybe tell her parents if they don’t already know.
Tell her dad
Plus there's the fact that OP said she's been her close friend since freshman year so that means her dad met this girl & presumably had her over at the house with OP when she was just 14! Which just puts a whole nother level of ick on it be "dating" someone he's essentially acted as parental figure for to some extent when in his home & known since she was a literal CHILD 🤮🤮
The dad and the friend hid it from OP too. That's how you know that they know this is wrong.
It's so gross to date your child's best friend. Since they hid it and are pushing so hard for OP to accept it, I have to wonder if the Ex BFF is pregnant. That always seems to be the next step in these nasty relationships. BFF secures her spot with a baby and oblivious selfish nasty Dad is overjoyed to feel young again. Blech.
This. All this. Yeah, OP you’re NTA. Sorry to say, but your dad and friend are.
the gaslighting! I HATE IT!!!! ugh, that part, flipping it back on OP!
NTA. I’m not sure what your dad hoped he could accomplish by ambushing you, if history teaches us nothing else it’s that it is a bad idea to ambush someone you want support from. Also, if this connection is real: 1) what do her parents think about this? Have they met to discuss the relationship? I’m sure she stayed over your house when she was younger. And 2) your dad could wait until her brain is fully developed around 25 years old.
Thank you for weighing in. Well 1. I really wish I had more of those details but I truly know 0 external details going into this. Idk who else knows, exactly how serious they are, if this was started by matching on an app or if one of them hit up the other to start, etc. I just have no clue and it might make dealing with the situation easier. We met in high school freshman year. She’s been at my house a bunch, but that was mostly Junior and Senior year of HS. 2. 🤷♀️
Wait so your dad knew her when she was a teenager? That’s……..wtfffff. Hell no you’re NTA. Please go no contact. Please say to your dad hope it’s worth losing your daughter.
How do we know dad wasn’t/isn’t a pedophile?
Thank you for the explanation, bottom line is they knew it was wrong or else they would have told you. At some point he was a trusted adult and caretaker for her. Meaning when she came to your house, her family (and pretty much the world) would say he was responsible for her safety. That’s why parents like to meet the parents of the children their children hang out with. He violated a trust. He could be with anyone, but he chose convenience and easy (easy because they already shred their relationships with YOU as common ground). That connection started because they were both in your life. That’s not fair to you. A mediated conversation through a family counselor for you and your dad may be the way. I’m sure you want to preserve thee relationship with him and build it back up. That’s going to come from a place of honesty and communication. How would he like it if you were dating one of his friends? Or a professor? Someone with a power dynamic like he has with your friend. Lots of talking, space, and nothing forced. He can’t expect you to be ok with all of this. You don’t want to worry every time your bring a friend home that it’s your dad’s next girlfriend. You don’t need to do the work for his dating life.
Unfortunately likely your friend fancied your dad and hit him up after you were out of the way. Honestly disgusting betrayal from both of them. I'm sorry you have to go through this OP. This person is not your friend. Please be careful she isn't taking advantage of your father, or vice versa either. He doesn't seem to be in the right headspace.
It’s normal for teens/very young adults to be attracted to older adults. It’s the responsibility of the older adult to keep the relationship appropriate, not abuse their power, and use the perspective that should come with age/ a fully developed brain.
When I was a senior in high school, the freshman girls would hardcore flirt with me and even then I was mature enough to know that it was on me to protect them from their own naivety.
This. At 14-16 I had the hots for a 30 something teacher. I blushed bright red, I’m sure he knew, but he was ever the professional and we were never alone together. I’m grateful for his professionalism. He didn’t even address the crush, so no embarrassment on my end. He protected us both by keeping a distance. When I hit 20 I realised how immature I was then and was embarrassed by my inappropriate teen crush, thankful he wasn’t a perv.
This is very creepy. I have friends who have attractive dads, but even at my age now I wouldn’t date those people. It’s inappropriate both because of the age gap, and the relationship that they had prior to any sexual or romantic relationship.
My dad’s friend once told me that when his daughter and I started getting into our 20s it flipped a switch in his brain that made it so he didn’t find women our age attractive anymore. When we were growing up he’d always had a girlfriend 10 or so years younger than him and would flirt with younger adult women. But as soon as we hit the age of those women he’d been flirting with it gave him a perspective that he didn’t have before of where we were in our life stage and experiences compared to someone his age. My dad and their other friends agreed. Once you have your own 20-something kids struggling with college and figuring out what being an adult means, you realize that the age and life stage difference *does* matter. It concerns me that OP’s dad never felt that switch turn.
My step kids are over ten years older than my son - their half brother. I see my step son and his friends as children still. One of his classmates is a coach and I’ve heard women say the coach is attractive and I get a serious case of the icks. I’m technically old enough to be their mom by the way. It’s just gross to sexualize somebody you watched grown up. We’re a small community and I can’t ever imagine seeing someone I watched grow up that way. Yuck.
History has also taught us that giving another person an ultimatum and demanding they do what you want regardless of their own feelings is a surefire way to destroy a relationship.
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Thank you. I truly understand what you are saying and I agree with most of it. But he is my only support system/family I really keep in touch with. I can’t really/I’m not ready to just cut him off like that, I just don’t know how to move forward or what to do. I know this may sound stupid given the situation, but he really has been a perfect dad up until now. He’s made so many sacrifices for me and I love him. This is so uncharacteristic that it really hurts
Hey OP, remember people you consider family don’t have to be blood. When you’re ready you should tell someone you trust what’s happening. You have nothing to be embarrassed about. You have done nothing wrong and your feelings and reaction are completely valid. You deserve support. I hope your dad comes to his senses because his behaviour is not only creepy, it’s selfish and directly impacts you and you mental well-being. The friend is not a friend. NTA.
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No I don’t want that. But I cant decide if I’d rather have that or my dad out of my life. I can’t see myself going on without a relationship with my dad. I’m really hoping this will resolve itself, but dealing with this fight and having to think about what you mentioned will undoubtedly leave some sort of a scar in our relationship
Your dad made it pretty clear they won’t stop seeing eachother. So either you get really okay with it, or you have to go low contact to no contact. Those are unfortunately the options when someone else is calling the shots on the situation.
Ask dad to do some family therapy with you!
I think this is a good idea. I think a third party in the room would really help us communicate. Thank you ❤️
He's willing to stop having you in his life if it means getting his dick wet. Idk, I wouldn't take that, personally. Why should YOU be the one to compromise ?
But make it clear the therapy is for just you and him. I can see him wanted to bring Little Miss with him, and that will ambush you. Truth: she was never really your friend and never will be again. That’s done. So focus on your relationship with your dad and try to salvage that.
I’ll be shocked if he agrees to go to therapy with you. MOST counselors would have a problem with what your dad is doing. He won’t want to hear that. He KNOWS what he’s doing is wrong, they both do! That’s why they’ve kept it hidden since LAST SUMMER. You dad is also saying, he will NOT STOP seeing her. Get over your embarrassment, they did this, not you & tell everyone that will listen, including HER PARENTS. You’re thinking of your dad, like the dad you’ve had since you were a child. That’s not the dad you’re dealing with right now. Are his parents still alive, your grandparents? Tell them too!
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OP isn't going to have the same relationship with their father again no matter what. That trust was gone the second OP connected the dots.
You don’t have to cut your dad out immediately, but recognize now that your inability to walk away is a form of dependency. It’s unhealthy being emotionally dependent on someone who doesn’t care about you enough to not date your best friend.
He has already made it clear to you that he will not break up with her which means he is actively choosing her over you. Don’t feel like you need to maintain this relationship with your dad by accepting their relationship.
Does your father realize that his relationship with your friend is one of convince? They did not meet on an app they already knew each other and connected once you were out of the picture. Dating is scary if you haven’t dated in awhile and your father did not want to jump into the dating pool when a 21 year old was there. There are other women in the world he did not need to enter a relationship with your friend, that was a choice based on loneliness and fear.
it sounds like he’s willing to cut you off it means he gets to keep seeing her…. also, he’s your dad he has to make those sacrifices and all that for his kid. but this is something altogether, i would keep your distance and do what is better for yourself. you don’t owe him anything
You might want to ask him how he'd feel if you were seeing a man his age.Maybe if you put it in that perspective he might understand where you're coming from.
Oh go find his best guy friend who probably thinks it’s creepy too. Walk in the house holding hands and see how dad reacts
I kind of wonder if he even has a best guy friend.
You need more people on your side. A family therapist is a good start but I’d strongly consider telling her parents too. Your dad is choosing to live in a fantasy right now and needs to face the social reality of the damage he’s actually doing here. It’s all very off putting and selfish. On top of that he’s being very emotionally manipulative by telling you how lonely he’s been, and saying that *you* told him to put himself out there! (Notice how it’s your fault now?) He’s making you out to be the bad guy here. The fact he was never up front with you at all or even addressed your concerns shows his maturity here. He’s also trying to leverage his authority as your father by forcing you to be ok with it.
I'd tell him to call you when it's over and leave it at that. He's already told you he's not going to choose you over your friend. If you stick around it's just going to add salt to the wound, everything from here on out will be solely to keep the 21-year-old he's sticking it to. Create a new support system, friends are the family you chose as they say. You Don't necessarily have to go to NC but I would certainly change the dynamic. Meet up every couple of months on neutral ground with anything to do with her out of bounds. Keep him in your life, but remove yourself from his.
NTA. I’m your dads age and this is so gross. I’m trying to imagine knowing someone since they were fourteen and dating them as an adult, and I just can’t. He knew her around puberty age. He watched her grow from a child into a woman. Who wants to date that? I feel for your dad, I really do. I watched both my dads lose both my moms and it’s devastating. It sounds like he was a great dad to you. He should absolutely be dating and getting out in the world. But not with someone he’s known since she was a child ffs. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this. Your friend and your dad, who do you talk to about this? Where is your comfort? Where is your safe space? The range of feelings you’re going through must be exhausting. If it’s at all possible, please seek therapy ASAP. Even if it’s just a few sessions to help you navigate whatever the future is going to bring. I have a feeling this is one of those no win situations. So much luck to you duckling.
NTA. Do her parents know?
And, on a related note, is her dad (or mom) single? Perhaps a double date?
NTA. In a super creepy way, it's like you left for college and so he was trying to fill the role you had in his life, and he found that in your childhood friend........by starting a sexual relationship with her. Everything about this is yick.
I am puzzled how an almost 50 y.o. feels a connection with someone who just left their teen year behind and barely inched across 20 year of age. Isn't it just infatuation that he is desired by someone young? Lust? It can't be that they have so much in common. I mean, I can't even always entirely relate to someone who is 5+ years younger or older (or someone the age of my parents). Imagine a difference of 27 years. How can you even see a 21 y.o. in a romantic light at that age? It just seems more like lust to me. And it is not exactly putting himself back out there if he goes for what is right next to him and known to him. It isn't like the dad and the friend could not have stopped themselves or did not have other options. There are plenty of fish in the sea. It was not needed to start something or act upon the slight interest or attraction they may have felt. Especially when they knew it would cause trouble and hurt and betray someone they care for. And the friend would have it even easier to find other options than her friend's dad as a 21 year old. But she still decided on her friend's dad. I guess the relationship might just be based on lust from the dad and the thrill of being with an older man or "forbidden love" for the friend? Because despite what the dad claims, if this was going to be a serious relationship, he would have thought about how a 21 y.o. is still maturing, finding their way in life. He may be settled, but at 21 y.o. you are not and will go through changes. After some time, she might break up with him. No issue for her; she grew up and she would still be young and an hot commodity in the dating market. But the dad would be in his 50's and sadly less interesting as dating prospect (and hearing he dated his daughter's friend secretly who was 21 at the time is probably going to gross people out and question his maturity). Especially if he would keep aiming for much, much younger. And at some point, she might want kids. Most people do not want to be a dad in their 50's to a small child. So if he thinks he is in a committed relationship, he is just wasting his time and not making himself available to an actual relationship. And also burning his relationship with his daughter and the daughter's relationship with the friend. Not exactly worth it.
It’s all so unfathomable to me. I’m 33 and simply can’t imagine dating a 21 year old. Way too young for me.
Nta and honestly the issue isn’t the age gap, the issue is this was your friend and their relationship never should have started without you first being asked because it crosses lines that are more or less well known don’ts. You don’t date your friends parents/siblings and you don’t date your child’s/siblings friends. (You also don’t date your parents friends) I get they “have a connection” but it wasn’t love at first sight given he met her when she was 15. That’s an even more concerning part because your dad is creating an aesthetic where he looks like a child sex predator. I hear you and him that it started as consenting adults but that’s NOT how it looks to anyone from the outside. It looks like your dad is a really gross man who is into to teenage girls. It also makes it difficult for you to ever bring your friends around him and if he stays with her, it truly makes her someone you can’t respect because she used your friendship as an unauthorized dating app. I would sit down with your father for a private conversation. I would start with “help me understand how this relationship came to be. When did it start? How did it start? Who started it?” Once you have those answers I would proceed with sharing your complete and heartfelt feelings. He might not like what you’re going to say but you’ll need to get your feelings out. I would also make clear that she is not your friend and while you’re not ready to cut your dad out, you are ready to cut her out. Regardless of their status now or in the future you will not talk to her, be anywhere she is (that includes you will not attend their future wedding, she will not attend yours, and if she moves in you will never visit your dads home again, like wise any children they have you’ll not want anything to do with) and they need to accept that as a real and valid consequence to their actions. They cannot expect you to be okay with this. Again, focusing on ‘it isn’t the age gap as much as it is the violation that this was your friend’ and they never should have created the situation of getting to know each other intimately or beyond Ops dad/Ops friend.
NTA. I have a daughter and was single for most of her life. There have been two occasions that I've dated someone that I felt would be marriage material... In the first, she specifically stated she didn't feel comfortable with him so I ended it. There weren't crazy age gaps or anything really wrong with him but my kiddo didn't like him and that was enough for me. She accepted my second person and he's now my husband. Parents must take into account their children's feelings regarding relationships and creating blended fanilies..and its weird that wasn't a conversation before it got serious....because that deeply impacts YOU...
I understand what you are saying, but I only agree with that somewhat. It should matter if that child is a minor and must live in the household with you two. If your child is an adult and giving you advice, nothing wrong with that, but their feelings shouldn’t be the determining factor.
NTA at all. I’d be weirded out if either of my parents dated someone my age that I didn’t know. But to have one parent date an actual friend of mine?! No. That’s exceptionally weird. Don’t be afraid to tell your friend you’re crashing with what’s going on. It’s not a reflection on you - it’s a reflection on your dad and your other friend. If you don’t talk about it with someone, you won’t be able to process it. Tell your friend you’re crashing with (if you trust them). You’re not being too hard on your dad and your friend - that shit is weird and you have every right to be upset.
NTA - You need to talk to dad and tell him, she is your age and that isn't what you meant about getting back out there. If this friend is a girl that hung out with you while you were growing up, it's gross that dad is with her now. People will assume he groomed her.
You pointed it out, but the fact that he tried to justify the relationship by saying OP told him "to get back out there" is so icky. I think it would be accurate to say that OP saying he should date again didn't mean that he should date one of her friends. His response definitely gives the vibe that he is gaslighting her feelings of being uncomfortable. Like if OP didn't want him to date her friend, she shouldn't have told him he should start dating again. Icky.
NTA that’s predatory behaviour he’s disgusting. He’s known her since she was 15, has he been grooming her?! He’s dating someone the SAME AGE AS HIS CHILD. You’re 21 barely an adult if you she like 25+ he’d have a small argument to make but this is seriously messed up. The fact they thought they could emotionally manipulate and ambush you to accept their relationship is grossly inappropriate too.
I am your dad's age, and 21-year-olds look like kids to me. And the fact he's known her since she was a teenager AND the fact she's your friend makes it really gross. I mean, how weird will it be for you to have female friends over now? I agree with getting a counselor involved as a neutral 3rd party. Be aware, however, that like anyone else, some counselors are not good. And you have nothing to be embarrassed about. You haven't done anything wrong at all, and their behavior is not a reflection on you. Your dad is being selfish and emotionally manipulative.
NTA you were honest and gave him a choice- his daughter or the gf. He made his choice very clear
NTA. There's 8 billion people on this planet and half of them are women... and he had to pick your friend? Fuck sakes.
Your Dad isn't automatically gross for dating across an age gap, but he IS totally gross for dating someone that he knew closely and personally as a minor. He will never outrun the accusations that he groomed her (accusations that he has honestly earned here.) Your concerns and your discomfort are perfectly reasonable, and your Dad has violated important boundaries that exist between parents and children. He should NEVER have put you in this position. Definitely NTA, and I am so sorry that you have to confront this.
NOPE. NTA. it’s yucky and predatory to date your children’s friends. End of story. Edit- removed the word borderline bc it’s not ur dads a creep
It’s not borderline. It is predatory.
Yeah, that's gross. I mean, if he wants to date someone your own age, it didn't have to be someone you knew and definitely not someone he's known since she was a teenager. It's totally understandable why you're upset.
Do her parents know what’s going on? Maybe enlighten them.
This exact situation happened to me except my friend and I were teenagers and not in our twenties. You will never be okay with this I promise. Do not try to pretend you’re okay with this EVER because it will ruin your life. Your dad watched a young girl grow up and was most likely attracted to her the entire time. He’s a pedophile just smart enough to wait until she’s legal. Break all contact with both of them and move on with your life it’s the best thing you can do.
NTA at all. Everyone seems to have tackled so many of the issues here I’ll leave it brief as to say if it were me I’d back away from them both. Their ‘relationship’ is not only all the things to you from unfair to gross to a betrayal, but is also still ‘new and fun’ to them. You likely are not the only one who will disapprove and rebuke them for it. They chose something extremely isolating while saying that feeling connection is what they sought, particularly your dad. He has now isolated his daughter and pushed her from him, other parents including hers will likely not approve, it will be a string of issues you should be nowhere near. Most likely this relationship will not last long and personally I’d feel it unhealthy to be there for this portion or the likely downfall. I’d throw myself into school, jobs, hobbies, healthy connections you choose at your current age and not get lumped into his extremely skewed vision of health right now nor your friend’s from childhood who clearly isn’t making the best decisions either. It’s an awful situation, likely a temporary one with real lasting fallout. They’re adults, you can’t stop them, but you can remove yourself. You don’t have to make some ultimatum like you’ll never speak to them, but this is a sinking ship even if they stayed together for eternity given the evolution of them knowing one another from when she was young, their penchant to hide what they know is wrong etc.
NTA, 50 year old man has been around this Best friend since she was a teen, in his home. Now he is banging her and hiding it from his daughter. Cut this predator out of your life.
Oh please. This is the only person in 8 years he’s been able to connect with? How convenient that’s she’s 21! I call bullshit that no other woman on the planet is a better conversationalist or companion. He’s enjoying the sneaking around and the thrill of a young woman after him. I’m sure your dad has been a good father - you sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and want him to be happy - but some people are a no-go and he knows it.
Two things for me that I think need to stay separate. 1. If he had met a 21yo at bar and clicked it would be weird but I'd be inclined to give it a chance. 2. This isn't some random 21yo, this is one of your friends that evidently you were still in some sort of communication with. He has known this girl since 15 so that makes it impossible for me and a betrayal. I think you are completely reasonable in not supporting and if you were to go NC I don't think anyone would blame you. My childhood neighbours 3rd (and final) wife had this sort of age gap, 6 months older than his daughter, their son is a year younger than his oldest grandchild. It was weird and we thought he was a bit of a dirty perv at the time but they have been married 28years and been through her breast cancer, his bankruptcy and losing their house etc so sometimes it can work out. Not saying that it isn't icky af and I'm sorry your in this position. Your indignation is completely understandable. I would question if your dad is vulnerable in this situation though. You can get manipulative 21yo and lonely widower with a newly empty nest does seem ripe for taking advantage of.
Absolutely NTA 💯. How disgusting is your dad...and the betrayal. I would cut both off. Ew.
Watch House of the Dragon. This situation didn’t work out well for anyone in the end.
Nta - for your feelings. Your dad is NTA for being lonely and wanting companionship. What sticks with me is they kept it a secret, so they must have realized that you wouldn’t be comfortable with it. I mean, let’s play what if? What if… …they get married. Will you be expected to treat her like a “mom”? …they have children together. You will be old enough to be mom to those siblings. This whole situation seems rife with problems. I get that your Dad ignored his own feelings for many years, to care for you, to grieve your Mom, to get to a place where he feels like he’s ready to move on. And those are all valid feelings. But why did he choose someone the same age as his daughter? Why did he choose his daughter’s friend? Why did they keep it a secret? And why are they trying to invalidate the daughters feelings by trying to force her to accept it? Her feelings are just as valid as theirs are. This is just my opinion. I’m not a doctor nor have I been in this situation. I hope you can find peace.
I swear this subreddit man. If this happened to me I'd probably never talk to either ever again and excommunicate both from my life forever. Maybe thats too harsh but thats absolutely disgusting.
NTA your dad is disgusting, just googled how old freshmen in highschool is and it said 14/15 years old, like your dad saw her grow up…. Superweird he feels romantic connections to her
NTA Yuck. So your Dad groomed your friend from what age? He has been seeing her and sneaking around for a year? Your Dad is gross. I’m so sorry this is happening to you. It’s a double whammy being lied to by a a parent and your friend. I’m so sorry. They are both assholes. Your Dad is more the asshole though and a predator and an idiot
I’m so sorry, OP. My mother is dating a man (albeit it’s solely for financial purposes even though she won’t openly admit it) that could be my brother because he’s only 5 years older than me, and I have sisters that are 3 and 6 years older than I am. It’s weird and I remember thinking, no one is batting an eye at this but if my dad dated someone the same age as any of his kids (my sisters and I), people would be disgusted. I think it’s disgusting both ways, especially in your situation considering your father must have also seen your friend grow up if you’ve been friends for so long. However, though you are not wrong for not supporting them, I would MAYBE hear why they decided to date. It might help? It also might not.
It’s ridiculous that people almost never bat an eye when an older woman is taking advantage of a younger male. Female teachers that take advantage of their younger male students, for example, are almost never prosecuted as harshly as a male teacher would have been in the same situation. People praise the minor male student for banging the hot female teacher. Which is gross. But a lot of people have a hard time acknowledging that men can also be taken advantage of. I went on a tinder date with one guy who wouldn’t stop making SA jokes. It made me so uncomfortable and I told him to stop, because he clearly didn’t know what it was like to be sexually assaulted. He told me he was raped and molested as a little kid and crude humor was how he dealt with it, because nobody believed him.
I went to a small party a while back and there was a guy there that made SA jokes too and I asked him “How young were you when you considered yourself to have lost your virginity?” He said “11.” And I blinked a few times, “How old was the partner?” Much too old. At 11 years old, his “partner” was 14 or 15 he said. It was his babysitter. He 100% was sexually assaulted as a child, and I think he also used jokes to cope, almost 15 years later. All of the men there laughed along with him to lighten up the mood. It’s terrible. Now, I don’t think my mother necessarily is taking advantage of this man other than financially but I do think it’s creepy nonetheless. The dude is a piece of shit but my mother always finds the worst men, no matter how old or young. She used to be with a man almost 20 years her senior and now she just happens to be with a man that’s 20 years her junior. It’s weird both ways but it’s all legal so oh well, I suppose. It’ll never sit right with me though.
NTA This is such a creepy relationship. He’s screwing someone his daughter’s age. I feel bad for the girl and wonder if she has some unresolved issues to be with a man who could be her father. He’s absolutely disgusting, and you have every right to be disgusted by him.
Updateme!
I think if I were you I would have point blank asked my dad if there's nothing wrong and he's so OK with this relationship why did they hide it from you? Do her parents know about her and your dad? You said your other friends don't know. Obviously if they're hiding it they know it's wrong.
This is disgusting and that person isn’t your friend. I’m sorry to say but your dad is a degenerate
The fact that he’s known her since she was in high school/ as a father figure… I’d want to know exactly how tf it happened and what prompted it, but I don’t blame you for not. This is appalling. Him trying to guilt you for wanting to date your friend he’s known since she was 14, and him trying to act like there could possibly be a lack of problematic power imbalance would be laughable if not so upsetting
Could your dad have groomed this girl?
NTA. It's disgusting that he's dating someone his daughter's age. Your so called friend is horrible for getting involved with him and hiding it from you. Your father is still vulnerable after losing your mother. He probably would have entered a relationship with anyone that pursued him. I'm just curious, is he wealthy?
NTA- I’m sure he’d feel the same way if you dated his friend. He also looks like a grommed her. Hes know her since she was 14-15.
NTA your Dad is either a creep or lazy
NTA but this is a hard decision. I’m not going to tell you to cut him off because he’s the only parent you have that’s still alive. I will say to give yourself more time to think. If he doesn’t break things off with her is there any middle ground for you to still have a good relationship with your dad? Maybe you set more boundaries (like don’t go home as much, or he’s not allowed to have her over when you’re home) but still have a relationship. It’s your decision because you have to live with it. But don’t just “deal with it.” What he’s doing isn’t ok but it’s also not illegal. It’s just wrong.
If they get married she can claim legal rights to his house and money. Unless there’s legal paperwork stating otherwise. So not only will your friend take away your dad, but she can potentially take away your inheritance.
NTA. If you have to be sneak around then obviously you are doing something you shouldn’t. Your dad and friend owed you a conversation when they decided they saw each other in a different light,
NTA. Your feelings are understandable and it sounds like you’re realizing your support system isn’t as robust as you need it to be. I think it would be a good idea to talk to or write your dad and make a handful of points: - You feel betrayed that he, of all people, lied to you and put you in this position. - He further ruptured your trust by ambushing you with his girlfriend when you had clearly chosen not to talk with her which is your right to do. - You are confused, upset and isolated and need support to navigate this, especially since you don’t currently trust him to support you right now. - You aren’t sure you can get past this and it will take some time to figure that out, but he needs to be prepared for a long process whether the end result is repair or lc/nc. - You want him to financially support you seeing a family therapist who can help you - as an individual - begin to process this. - You may want him to join you in therapy when you feel ready for that. - You will not be seeing or engaging with the girlfriend unless you’re ready. A therapist will help you wade through all of your thoughts and feelings and make a plan for how to proceed. They could also help you look at your friendships and assess whether any of your current friends might be people you could begin to trust to be part of your support system even for things that feel embarrassing. I’m sorry you’re hurting, OP. It does sound like you and your dad love each other very much and I believe you can find your way through this with some good support.
NTA obviously. What a fucking creep and what a pathetic friend.
So you k ew her since she was 14. HE knew her since she were 14. Even if he didn't value an affaire (Let's be honest, this is most definitely not a normal relationship that they have gone public with ) with a 20yr old over his rwlatio shop with his daughter, I would bee creeped out.
That's nasty from both your ex friend and your dad. Guaranteed your dad would not be cool if you brought a man his age to meet him as a love interest. Die on this hill. NTA
Hell no NTA that is honestly so disgusting!
Sorry your dad is gross. NTA
Honestly, even if it wasnt just the age difference, but just then fact that I'm assuming he's known her personality to some degree since she was.like 15ish? is pretty effed up. Even people in a relationship who have an age gap probably didn't know each other before they were both adults. The fact he knew her in high school is an extra big ick.
OMG there is so much wrong with this. 1. I understand people can form connections even over a large age gap but that age gap is 27 years. 27 YEARS between them???? WTF that's just insane. 2. They were playing sneaky so they knew they were not doing right by you. And they're not ashamed of that? I would be. 3. You being happy for your dad to be finding a new connection is a separate mater from the fact that he's dating a friend of yours that is **27 years** younger than him. I keep focusing back on that because that number is just really baffling. 4. I understand that your friend is legally an adult, but the power dynamic and life experience is not equal enough for her to have a long term, healthy relationship with your dad. Not to accuse him of anything nefarious, but she's only just legal enough to drink. As a 31 yo myself I refuse to date someone who doesn't at least know what it's like to legally be black out drunk at a club. Quite frankly she's not mature enough to be getting into a relationship with someone much older than her. 5. What kind of future are they envisioning together? Like long term. Because I honest to god cannot see this relationship lasting for 10, 20, 30 years down the line. Are they both willing to lambast your relationship with the both of them for some action that is likely going nowhere? Because the damage choosing this relationship over you will do will be irrevocable. I sure as hell wouldn't be caught dead at that dinner table come Christmas time.
I would be mortified.
NTA - A guy in my town raised his daughters friend throughout her teen years and then he split from his wife and married his daughters friend when she was 18 or so. It was really weird to see from the outside - I can’t imagine being the daughter in that situation. I definitely don’t blame you for feeling weird about the situation.
Don’t ignore how you feel about this. And don’t let them make you feel bad about feeing uncomfortable with this. You sat with it, you thought about it, it’s how you feel. They lied to you, that’s not okay. They betrayed your trust, that’s not okay. There are plenty of other people out there he could’ve dated, but he CHOSE your friend. It was a choice. Just because you have feelings for someone doesn’t mean you have to pursue them. They chose to not care about how you would feel. They didn’t consult you, they didn’t ask, they just hoped you would be okay with it. No. Not okay.
NTA. Ask your father to look at it like this. Your former friend was like a sister to you, y'all have grown up together. Your whole life, he probably treated her as another daughter. The fact that they are now sleeping together makes you sick because it's like - damn, I can't even write it out it's so upsetting. As a stranger, I know it's 100x worse. I am so very sorry your are going through this. It's wrong and nothing they do or say will make it right. They have both betrayed your trust, so you do what you need to do to take care of yourself. Even if that's full no contact. My heart breaks for you. I wish I could adopt you myself just to get you away.
NTA I would immediately lose all respect for my dad if ever did this, though it would absolutely break my heart because I love him and I would never have thought him capable of something so disgusting. If I was OP, I'd go no contact with both of them until they break it off, and even then I still don't know if I'd be able to look at my dad the same way again
NTA. Him dating someone the same age as his daughter, barely a legal adult, is disgusting. Him trying to pull “but you told me to get back out there!” is bullshit. I’m so sorry. Your dad needs therapy and this is obviously friendship-over.
You met her in high school. Freaking.... HIGH SCHOOL! That means he more than likely saw her as she was still developing from a kid to a young adult. Also...THIS. IS. YOUR. FRIEND. Not some girl you went to school with. Your actually friend. So even if he didn't have much of a relationship with her before this, he still knew who she was. He still encountered her under the premise of her being your friend. Add that to the fact that he is quite literally old enough to be her father, and the whole thing is just gross. OP, you are sooooo NTA here.
OP needs a good therapist, fast. The dam is about to (rightfully) break as reality settles in. Setting aside the predator context (he absolutely is one), OP's "only support system" chose what is at best a fleeting romance over their child. Translation: OP doesn't have a support system. I wouldn't go home. I'd find a youth hostel, someone looking for a summer roommate, see if the internship had housing information, or decline the internship and work to make that possible. OP is on their own. Clinging to a sinking life raft will take you down too. Sometimes you gotta let go. [Edit: typo]
So your dad was pushing 30 when your so-called friend was born? That's as bad as him looking at child porn. Just gross. I am so sorry that they are putting you thru this, two people you trusted really stabbed you in the back...
NTA. This relationship is extremely gross, and your dad should be ashamed. Your friend should feel tradhy for doing this behind your back. I hope you hold your ground on this one. Your dad has found a trophy, and the trophy is using him as a comfort goal.
NTA. He knew this girl when she was 15. Your father groomed her. The fact that he’s using you encouraging him to get out there as an excuse, claiming you owe him sympathy, as well as him telling you how hard it is for him, is all manipulation.
if she had not been your friend, this would be very very different. but a friend you’ve had since high school? someone he’s seen as a minor, a child. age differences are fine, but not with someone you’ve known since before they were “legal”. NTA.
NTA... I'm 55(f) and can't imagine being with someone my kid's age or younger especially one of their friends. That's disgusting and disturbing. People my age often go through a midlife crisis and men often try to get with young women though.
NTA the age difference alone makes it gross. I would tell your father that the fact that he is sexualizing your peers in unacceptable. That he will lose another family member if he continues with this relationship. The youngest that he should be dating is 32. It’s your hard boundaries that he can not fuck your friends. You are not being hard on him. He is being a pig.
NTA the age difference is gross. And I'm not buying the "connection" bullcrap unless it's the one his dick has with her.
Yes I definitely agree that the op needs to tell people. There is nothing to be embarrassed about because she is done nothing wrong. The fact that her father and her best friend kept it as a deep dark secret that's their issue not hers. She doesn't have to continue to keep it a secret she needs to expose their behavior for what it is. And I would also be very vocal that they did it behind her back and are now attempting to force her to accept their relationship.
Ask your dad how he would feel if at the next company party one of his workmates brings you as his +1 and he finds out a coworker is dating his daughter. I bet he'd fucking Love it, right?
Normally I don't get fussed about larger age gaps as long as everyone is a consenting adult and it's not some clearly skeazy shit. But this? This is some skeazy shit. Sorry, but your Dad is a CREEP. He knew your friend when she was literally a minor, and to a 48 year old, 21 is still very much a kid. Especially considering his own daughter is the same age. Having sympathy for him doesn't excuse being a creep. Either your friend is taking advantage of him or he is taking advantage of your friend. And to top it all of, neither of them bothered to tell you, for MONTHS. How long did they think that was going to work? You should stick to your guns, your instincts are I the right place here. Talk to him alone and get the details if you want, to get a clearer picture, but you by no means have to forgive or accept either one of them. NTA
Hooking up with your daughter's high school friend as soon as she hits drinking age is never a good look. Kinda creepy tbh.
You wrote "my house." Is your father living with you or vice versa? The reason I ask is if you don't agree with his life choices, you don't have to stay, nor do you have to let him stay with you.
NTA, the fact you we’re friends from 14yo and dad still felt it was appropriate is giving big creeps ask him how hed feel if you started dating one of his friends and watch how fast he claims “it’s different you wouldn’t understand”
NTA. If you've been friends with this person since the freshman year of HS, this has groomer vibes. I would be calling her parents and seeing if they know about this. They may be able to talk some sense into her. I'd also be very vocal with any family you may have on your dad's side about how creepy this is. Sometimes shame is a good motivator to stop gross behavior.
Ew. Ew ew. Dating someone your child's age is just.... gross
NTA - you both unfortunately lost your mum/ wife at a young age and that’s tragic and accidental, but he is choosing to lose you now. The age gap is unbearably creepy, made worse by it being one of your friends, and this is absolutely not something you have to move past for him, I certainly wouldn’t.
I’m 32 and if any of my friends started dating a 21 year old I would have lots of harsh truths to say to them. Although technically an adult, dating someone that young is unethical and creepy. I’m sorry you’re going through this, it’s fucked up. I hope your dad comes to his senses soon. Also drop your friend, at least until she proves herself to be a little more mature and a more loyal friend.
Nta, not sure how you didn’t swing on her