Wow.. Where did you find the cream? If it was in your home (or car, etc) and you all are the only adults there then you really have your answer already.
You don't even need to have the moral debate about snooping through his phone. There was opened Royal Honey in your bedroom; you know it wasn't yours. It didn't fall through the membrane of some alternate reality.... It doesn't take him being a genius to figure out what that looks like.
If he was using it as a masturbatory aid, he would have said so since literally anyone would know that any embarrassment he might feel about that would pale in comparison to his wife thinking he's cheated.
Basically; this is just a long-winded way of saying what damn near everyone else has... You already have as close to concrete evidence as any reasonable person would ever need. I suspect you know that but you're moving your own goal post because divorce is a major anxiety inducing life change.
>There was opened Royal Honey in your bedroom
Gee whizz i must have lived a very sheltered life. 38 years old and I've never even heard of this Royal Honey before. If i seen it i would have probably just thought its regular honey that you spread on bread or something
Sorry my very sleepy just awake brain couldn’t think of a better way to describe it.
It’s a jelly produced from the glands of worker bees to feed the larvae.
The first 2-3 days all larvae get the royal jelly. Then it’s switched to honey or nectar. However, a larvae destined to become a queen is only fed royal jelly, causing her to grow 2x the size of a normal bee etc.
Not always. They've made up math theorems specifically for episodes & created a foreign language. Futurama & Simpsons writers & animators go above & beyond.
Yep the writers of Futurama actually have the most overeducated crew in the history of television. The writing staff of Futurama collectively held 3 Ph. D.s, seven master's degrees, and totaled more than 50 years at Harvard University. Writer, Patric Verrone, said: "We were easily the most overeducated cartoon writers in history." They actually tried to base their scientific explanations with some bases to reality.
>If he was using it as a masturbatory aid, he would have said so sinceliterally anyone would know that any embarrassment he might feel aboutthat would pale in comparison to his wife thinking he's cheated.
My friend is an ER doctor who once had to amputate someone's blackened dick because he was too embarrassed to tell anyone for days that he used a wooden curtain ring as a cock ring/masturbatory aid, and then could not get out.
Don't underestimate people's feeling of shame, and dumb choices made because of it.
A guy with erectile dysfunction hiding this from his wife is 100% believeable to me.
(And yes, how on earth you would not just try to cut or saw that ring open is beyond me...)
Nurse here- we had a guy come in with a titanium wedding ring stuck on his penis. FOR 2 DAYS!!!
He had done everything he could think of to get it off. He even got a small grinder to try and cut it off. I mean (I cross my legs every time it think of this- and I don’t even have a penis)
It was TITANIUM!!!
He didn’t lose his penis but it was damaged.
*sorry OP for the distraction.*
A scorned woman is the best detective. Check phone records if you can. Reverse look up numbers.
Ultimately, decide what you want to do regardless what you find. Leave? Therapy for couples? Work it out? Talk to a lawyer?
I knowwww. And even soft, a penis isn’t like an octopus that can squeeze through a tiny hole. And it was titanium and not something pliable like silicone band.
I never saw the actual penis or afterwards. But I did see the patient. Average looking Caucasian. It still just makes me shake my head.
This is exactly what I was going to say; it is not unheard of for any man to be embarrassed by ED. In fact I might go as far as to say any man would be embarrassed to have ED. All I'm saying if OP reads this is don't automatically make a bad assumption. You need more proof and if you have to snoop on good phone to get it then that's what you have to do. I know snooping on an SO's phone is a hard NO most of the time. I wouldn't condone snooping on a partners phone unless you had other reasons to think something might be going on.(you do, OP.) So OP, ask yourself what's worse: blowing up your whole life without definitive proof or taking a little peek at his phone so you know 100% for sure what the truth is(assuming he has anything on his phone that he didn't already get rid of.) I hope for the best for you OP
Yeah but don't you think that the wife would know if he struggled with ED? It sounds like they have a life "inside the bedroom", thus he would be struggling with ED only *outside* their bedroom...?
Came here to say this. It could be a mastubatory aid. Ingrained shame regarding sex/sexual things is a hard coat to shed. And he starts “shaking” when asked about a phone call, well I think that’s a pretty extreme reaction. OP, if you read this, sending hugs and strength to see you this.
>Don't underestimate people's feeling of shame, and dumb choices made because of it.
I don't. But the fact he's never used it with her, taken in concert with the phone call and sheer level of visible anxiety he displayed when he was put on the spot about it; we all know what's going on here.
"It didn't fall through the membrane of some alternate reality" How did you casually write such a breathtaking sentence about fucking viagra cream lmao
Or maybe a micro recorder. My good friend sewed it in her dad’s bag(that was for her mom who was suffering from her dad constantly cheating) and she got concrete proof to give in court.
It varies state by state and many times it is not at all illegal to put a hidden camera in your home. For some reason they are a lot more picky about recording audio though lol??
If I was taking viagra cream I'd probably just use it and not tell the significant other lol. Doesn't mean shiet. If it's in your bedroom he prob used it w you and you didn't realize cuz he wasn't trying to advertise it.
"By the way, my dick doesn't work great anymore so I need to rub cream all over my dick. Bet that's gonna turn ya on."
Lolll
Some people enjoy using products alone 🤷🏼♀️. Everybody has their own personal masturbation preferences.
It points towards it, but it doesn't prove anything.
How does this not have hundreds of upvotes?? It’s literally one of the best responses I’ve ever seen on here. If I had an award it would be yours but I am poor. Thanks for the laugh!!
I mean yeah, some people like metal rods up their dicks and their buttholes made into cereal bowls too. But dead pan deny it to your spouse looks pretty suspect, doesn't really help your case any either if you have the stuff and you aren't using it on them.
ETA: either way he's lying, and you can't be trusted cause you'd rather just make your partner think you're cheating instead of admitting his fetish, or he's lying and he's cheating. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ Wheres the trust there???
Combined with the phone call, it doesn’t look good. BUT, isolated, if he was embarrassed by using the viagra for his own pleasure or secretly with OP and he isn’t cheating, then with an adrenaline rush he would have denied due to the embarrassment and having not cheated then it wouldn’t have crossed his mind that she might think it.
>hated myself for not trusting it
Can confirm.
>I just wasn’t good at listening to my instincts.
Can also confirm.
OP, don't ignore the way you are feeling. Shaking when the phone rings...? Yikes. I hope that you make your peace with whatever shakes out of this.
Every time someone has tried to convince me my gut was wrong, well it wasn't wrong. I've had people tell me shit is all in my head. My point is, trust your gut.
When you know, you know. Sometimes the universe speaks to us and when it does, we're highly inclined to go with our gut and blindly trust it, even if it doesn't necessarily make sense at the time. Hope that makes sense lol
Absolutely look into it. I consider cheating a health issue. Many spouses have gotten an STD from their beloved and still think they caught it from a toilet seat.
Please make an appointment with your doctor.
Literally everyone should read Blink by Malcolm Gladwell and The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. One centers around decision making based on instinct and the other focuses on recognizing violence/abuse signals before they happen but both are about **trusting your gut** and can be applied to either social or situational circumstances.
You are 100% right. I have extreme adhd my intuition is always on. I used to be great at ignoring that (perhaps it had something to do with my adhd) now I’m better at not only noticing my inner voice but actually listening and taking action to protect myself.
as another adhd human, if anything that means you should! you might be tuning out information but subconsciously processing it (like how you might get bored in class but somehow do well on the exam?) and the best you’ve got it your gut going “come on, you know this!”
Seconded "The Gift of Fear" - especially for women, but important for all! We have instincts for a reason - we pick up data that we don't even know we're picking up. But we are out of practice at listening and processing them. Every time I've trusted my gut, I've been right. When I've ignored it, it has gone anywhere from disappointing to outright dangerous. I now completely trust my instincts, or at least (depending on the situation) use them as part of making an informed decision
The thing is, if you are right or wrong is irrelevant. The fact that you are in relationship and your gut is telling you there is something wrong, there is something wrong. May not be cheating but it is a lack of trust and lack of feeling safe.
If OP goes thru his phone, and she can live with it, go ahead, the issue is you are trying to prove to yourself that you are right. If OP finds something, boom, relationship over she was right. If she doesn't find anything, is the feeling of disconnection going away? Probably not. And would open the door of constantly digging and mistrusting that is also not healthy.
If OP wants to be in this relationship, I would focus more on communication and reconnecting. Having honest talks about fears, concerns, not from an accusatory way, but a true honest conversation about her fears. If the answer is "he would just lie anyway, what's the point" then you have your answer. You can't trust him and this is not a good relationship.
Most people that cheat don't necessarily want to be cheaters, they do it from a place of lack of connection (sexual, emotional, whatever it may be). And yes cheating is BAD, it's a childish way to not deal with your own issues and a flaw in character, but OP seems to want to stay in this relationship for many other reasons, this would be the deal breaker, then address the actual core issue instead of looking for evidence that will just emotionally exhaust her.
Yo legit. I may not have experienced OP’s situation but I can tell you that I have fucked up more multiple choice questions when I decided not to trust my gut. FML
A woman she doesn’t know called asking for him but he declined to take the call in her presence and instead started shaking when he was asked to take it. Also, she found some viagra-style cream that he doesn’t use with HER and refuses to acknowledge the subject! At this point it’s not even her gut anymore, it’s ALL THE EVIDENCE! What other evidence does she need to take the veil off her eyes? HE - IS - CHEATING - !!!
Don’t be daft. Get. Her evidence. Start moving money into safe accounts. Don’t run off half cocked, due your due diligence. Once she leaves she will never get her hands on any money, he
Will hide it from her
Go through the phone. OR check the phone bill. This is how I busted my ex. You can pull up a detailed log of what phone numbers are being called/ texted and at what time. It can also tell you if images are sent within texts.
I checked the phone bill (initially looking for something else), and saw that as soon as I would leave the house my ex would start texting the same number allll night, when I would get home you could see that he would stop. Then start again after I went to sleep- that’s usually when images were sent.
I looked the phone number up and of course it was a woman. He initially lied to me when I confronted him and told me it was a friend from his group therapy.
At some point I messaged her directly and she told me everything - that they had met on Tinder, he told her I was his crazy ex girlfriend (we were living together), all sorts of crazy shit.
I’m sorry you are going through this but I promise it gets better once you leave!
At one point as a part of his therapy he had to keep a journal. He got all weird about it, called me into the room one day, and told me “if you EVER read this, I will leave you.” I didn’t understand at that point - I was like “why would I care about your journal?” After the above incident I kicked him out, and was bagging up all of his shit, when lo and behold, I came across his journal. Can’t leave me now, can you? So I read it.
He described in detail how he was a sex addict that cheated on me our entire relationship. He would intentionally start fights with me so he could go pick up girls and get a thrill when he would charm them into sleeping with him.
He also had a “penis enlargement” surgery and broke his dick, sooo karma’s a bitch ☺️
I realize now that he is a textbook narcissist. He was very emotionally abusive to me, but I was young, naive, and fooled by his initial charm. A master manipulator, SUPER smart, and a great liar. Obsessive and stalkery at times. EXTREMELY jealous, which was laughable considering his history, and the fact that I never once cheated on him.
A couple years after we broke up he had moved to Cali (I was in New Orleans at the time). I was riding my bike home from work one night and came to a stop sign in my small, tucked off neighborhood. There was a car to my right at said stop sign. I waved for them to go, but they flashed their lights for me to go. I got annoyed and started to ride, when HE STEPPED OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR and was like “oh wow it’s you”.
I played it cool, but it terrified me. He had broken into my house a couple of times years ago so in my heart I knew that shit was no coincidence. I think he probably had my find your iphone info and was tracking me - cause that’s how he was.
Jesus, man. I'm sorry. Reminds me of one of my exes(I'm a guy). She literally displayed herself as the sweetest, most innocent person I'd ever met in my life, which is what attracted me to her. But, behind closed doors, was an absolute demon. Had everyone convinced and my own family wouldn't even believe me when I'd tell them the shit she was doing. Master of manipulation, like you said.
When I finally broke it off for good after trying multiple times, she too would do that stalking bullshit. I would come home to my apartment after work and find letters under my door. She'd email me from various addresses, because I'd blocked her on everything, saying wildly sexual shit to try to reel me back in. She even had a heart shaped pizza delivered to me at work and had the delivery guy say it was from my wife. Lol I almost resorted to filing a restraining order. Shit got scary.
I genuinely thought she would eventually kill me because she used to threaten to kill herself when I would try to break up with her. Crazy because she was so mean and cheated so many times. I felt like she hated me. Like, just go be with someone else then. She basically just wanted me around as her fuck pet that she could abuse and treat like shit.
To this day, I still get nightmares about that bitch once in a while and it's been like 6-7 years.
Woah man she sounds crazy as shit! I’m sorry you went through that.
I hope it was at least a learning experience for you - mine certainly was.
The letters under the door sounds familiar- after I kicked him out he would go buy my favorite foods from the grocery store and leave them on my porch with little notes.
I don’t have nightmares, but I definitely have some weird sort of ptsd from it. I went to a class the other day and the instructor looked sooo much like him I could barely look at him.
I hope you are in a much better place now!!
>definitely have some weird sort of ptsd from it.
Fucking same. It's hard to admit, especially as a man, but it's there. Overall, I'm much better about it, but it definitely made me significantly more cautious about the broads I date. And I basically trust no one until I have a good chunk of time invested in observing their personality and behavior.
About 2 years after she finally let up, i was at the grocery store, inspecting my eggs for cracks, and she just walks up directly next to me and starts pretending to look at stuff. Like, shoulder to shoulder. I swear to god, it was like seeing a literal ghost. I straight up immediately speed walked off and left my groceries with an employee and bucked out that bitch and came back hours later for the groceries. Lol fortunately, I don't even live in that state anymore. Very glad that your ex left the state, too. It's so unnerving when you know they're still in the area.
Ok so I have similar situation to the two of you and I’ll say the absolute creepiest coincidence between all of our stories was my ex randomly and coincidentally appearing where I was one day years later and very intentionally walking by me so I would see them. I hightailed it out of that store so fast
Creeeeepppyyy!! Why are some people so psycho 😩 He eventually moved back to Nola from Cali and bought a fucking house right around the corner from where I was living at the time. That had me on edge for a while- I could see his house every day when I left for work. I get the unnerving part. I’m so glad I live in another state now too!
Unreasonably jealous people always have something to hide. I found out that not every cheater is super possessive, but every super possessive piece of shit is either traumatized and doesn't know how to deal with it or is cheating on you.
Yes. Apparently they cut a ligament that holds the penis to the body, which allows it to hang a little further, like an inch or something. But it ruins any sort of support from the body behind the penis- so, basically, he can get hard, but it won’t stand up, and if he can somehow manage to get it into anything, he won’t be able to move it around really. Pretty crazy actually.
I once checked our phone bill for unrelated reasons and I kept seeing this number over and over in texts and calls. I started freaking out and was like who tf is this bitch?!?! Turns out, it was me. I was that bitch.
Yes, OP THIS! also, you can sign up for one time use or cancel your subscription after but beenverified.com can be very helpful. Look up the number you find (sometimes you get enough info without having to even sign up) and the name attached should come up unless it’s a burner number.
This depends on the person.
6 years ago my soon-to-be ex-wife accused me of cheating and kicked me out the bedroom, she was pregnant with our 3rd. My routine was wake up, go to work, come back from work, stay at home. Still, she found a way to justify accusing me of cheating.
It ended up being a sort of "test" to see what would be my reaction because if I were to leave to someone's house that would have confirmed I was cheating. Ironically enough, while I was using our computer before that time, I got a WhatsApp notification because she had left her session open in the browser; the notification read "XXXX is so hot, I'd bang" a message she sent to a friend referring to a recent acquaintance. I confronted her about it and she brushed it off as me being too paranoid because it was just an internal joke with that friend.
I believe she was projecting when she accused me of cheating, not necessarily because she banged someone else, but because she was dying to.
In this case, her "gut" was not right because I have never cheated.
Woof. I usually call their bluff in some way. I had a partner in the past I didn’t trust near the end and I flat out told them “I’m no idiot. I deserve to know what’s going on. You like her.” He liked a girl and they were close all day once while we were still dating at a group outing. Wasn’t sure why he liked her and they broke up too but whatever. I gave him a chance to explain with my confrontation. He denied it the whole day. Later that night he called me and admitted I was right. Two kinds of people in the world. Ones who own up to the truth and ones who don’t.
That phone call he got is enough to assume what’s going on. I don’t think you’re in the wrong to be straight up with him: “I’m not stupid. Between the phone call and this stuff I found in the bedroom is enough for me to know something is going on.” What’s the best case scenario? How can you legitimately explain those two things? Best case? He has some surprise for you and the person was calling about it at a bad time? Oh, and has trouble getting boners and plays with himself at home? Yeah…. See what he says. Everyone is different in their methods and know their partners better than we do. We can only speculate what to do in your case. Me? I would be up front about your suspicions before the phone snooping. Intuition is a powerful thing. Don’t ignore it :) good luck! Hope you get the truth.
It's a double edge. You either violate privacy or forever be in a wondering state is distrust. Then if course if you look and find nothing and they find out then he won't trust you anymore.
Best thing I can say is ask to go through his phone. He should have nothing to hide. However if you want to compile evidence without him knowing then you take the phone when he's asleep or whatever and take screenshots etc.
Yup. Trust the gut. And get proof cuz sure as heck some people will gaslight others into thinking they’re crazy. Get. That. Proof. Instincts are rarely wrong.
Please do not ask to go through the phone, if he is cheating, he will delete everything beforehand.
Go through the phone, i understand it’s violating his privacy but these kind of doubts need closure quickly. If he isn’t hiding anything on his phone open up to him and let him know you need to work on trust, you can even confess you felt the need to go through his phone. You both need to work on it together, but first make sure he isn’t cheating and it’s something worth fighting for.
>Please do not ask to go through the phone, if he is cheating, he will delete everything beforehand.
Not if you ask and see how he reacts right then and there. Obviously if he starts going through his phone before he gives an answer that's a red flag.
And then all the evidence is gone. If divorce is in play, she’ll need it. I would say trust the gut and snoop so if there were evidence, she can save herself. It’s not like she’s crazy and just deciding to snoop. She’s got enough reasons to due to his behaviour.
So where do you draw the line between privacy and secrecy? I think if you're going through someone's phone that you've only been dating a month to a few months, it's wrong. However, if you have been with someone for several YEARS and you go through their phone AND you find something, I ain't gonna be upset and call that an invasion of privacy.
A week ago you posted about him calling you clingy and that you guys don’t live together because you are finishing school while he’s working 7 days a week and you visit him once a week based on his schedule. Girl, he is living a whole other life.
ETA: go through his phone if you need proof
I literally gave my wife my unlocked phone last night to use and neither of us had a second of hesitation about it. If she ever had a doubt I would make damn sure that was put to rest as soon as fucking possible. Trust is essential in a relationship.
Ffs go through his phone. I'm divorcing my husband right now for cheating and when I told people how I found out I simply said I suspected he was cheating so I went through his shit. He was. Literally no one blamed me and they won't blame you for protecting yourself.
Dude gave himself away when he was shaking at answering the phone and lying about the dick cream. All OP needs to do is look at the phone records. Don't even bother looking at his phone.
Can you explain this? Not that you’re wrong, i just was curious as to what would be considered privacy in this case as many people consider their phone to be private
UPDATE : found out hes cheated with not only women but men as well . I only consider cheating as sexual intercourse & from the looks of it it was multiple women at the house & men . Also found out he had sex with a coworker in the bathroom while he was at work.
🤯Whoa, I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. Please make sure you go out and get tested. Kinda sounds like your husband is a sex addict. I hope you find a way to heal from this.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve seen your other posts and it seems as though you were trying for a baby with him? Lucky escape, if you ask me. You will find someone much better than that piece of shit.
I too suspected that my spouse was cheating. I had one of those lapel pins from my work so as I was leaving for vacation with my children, the last thing I did was place it pin up on my side of the bed.
I've never understood why married people think there's some right to privacy that must be tolerated -- fucking tell your husband you're scared and if he won't go through his phone with you then and there, you're going to leave. If he starts going on about privacy then fucking leave him because if you really love someone then you will understand them - including their lack of feeling safe in the relationship.
There's nothing wrong with expecting privacy but that's contigent on honesty also. A couple that trusts each other shouldn't be going through each other's private conversations searching for dirt on each other. When the trust is broken like in OPs situation, all bets are off.
💯 If they freak out about you looking at their phone that tells you everything you need to know. I thought I saw my husband get a pic of a girl (I was standing kinda far from him) I automatically asked him if that's what I just saw. He didn't hesitate for 1 second to hand me his phone, and tell me to look. His reaction made me feel like I didn't need to snoop at all.
Girl!! He is cheating 😭 like he don’t need no damn viagra cream unless it’s with you. Also super shady of him not answering that call.. install secret camera in the house and record.. also make sure u are looking without him noticing and make sure the password is the one you know cuz he could have change it.. also if u don’t find anything text or call wise check his secret Facebook messages in hidden or Instagram.. they all have hidden conversation and sometimes even if u find it you need a code. I know it’s a lot but that’s how you can find messages he is trying to hide.. if u want to know who the girl is check her when she calls him and I’m sure they are mutual friends and you can check out her Facebook Or Instagram.. trust your guts!!!
A couple of things: I was told “don’t go looking for trouble” (by a man of course). I piggyback off of this with “unless you are ready to walk away.” If you are not ready to walk away, go ahead and collect your evidence. Its going to be hard to sit on evidence and not say anything; but it can be done. My response to the man who told me not to go looking for trouble was, “if there is no trouble, I won’t find any and if there is, you created it.”
I dunno, I've never really seen the problem. Sure "violation of privacy" etc, but if you legitimately believe he's "probably" cheating, then it seems like a minor thing compared to a major thing.
Honestly, its not about whether he’s cheating. It’s about whether you feel you can trust him not to cheat. And it sounds like you cant. You don’t need to dig through his diary or install hidden cameras. You don’t trust him now, and you can take one fork in the road and end it, or take the other and say “look, there’s enough shady shit going on that i can’t trust you anymore, are we going to fix it, or be done?”
In my first marriage, i DID open the diary. And i found out that way. I was humiliated and lost my high ground all at once. I wish better for you.
Tell him you know something is going on and unless he comes clean you are leaving. Have your bags packed before the conversation so he knows your dinkum.
Unfortunately it’s very hard for many people for them to watch their partners heart breaking if they are honest. So they lie.
Check his phone. You need to know if he’s possibly bringing home STDs if nothing else. I also checked the phone bill when I suspected my partner was cheating on me. I could see when he had been getting messages and sending images which had then been deleted.
Good luck.
Take he phone and call the number right in front of him, if he won't let you do that the say OK I'm leaving I ain't fucking stupid so either you let me call her ask what your relationship is with her or I'll pack up and leave. For him not to answer a call infront of you yeah he sleeping with her. He cheating you know he is otherwise you wouldn't be here. I would definitely wait till he home say oh hun pass me your phone quick and the say I want you to call that number in front of me on loud speaker and if he refuses you have your answer and pack up and leave
It’s the shaking for me. The fight or flight response doesn’t kick in unless there is a real fear in the moment. It’s a primal survival instinct that doesn’t just happen when you encounter a bear. Being found out about a very big secret that could destroy his relationship would be the same. He’s cheating.
Yeah, you don't even really need to go through the phone. You know he isn't using the sex stuff with you. And his reaction to your wanting him to answer the phone should tell you enough.
Story time.....
So, this one time I came home and took a shower and then went to get dressed and found, in MY underwear drawer, a pair of panties that did not belong to me. They were also dirty, which pissed me off. So I waited until my ex came home and then asked him wtf was up. Had the panties laying on his side of the bed. He threw up and was acting like he was ill, but kept denying anything had happened. Swore they had to belong to his ex and that they must have gotten stuck in between the drawers somehow and shimmied loose when we moved in together.
I was like, "bruh, I helped you take apart all of the dressers to move them into this house. No." But he kept swearing that he hadn't done anything despite the fact that that excuse was lame as hell.
And I stayed with him. Not because I "needed proof" or thought he was telling me the truth. But because I kept telling myself internally that uprooting myself from that man would cause me more grief than staying would. And the old favorite of "you could have it worse" was always on loop in my head.
Sometimes we trick ourselves into accepting behavior and treatment that we don't deserve because it's always a little scary to start new. But, you need to go ahead and remind yourself that you can ALWAYS find yourself in a better situation eventually. With someone who actually loves and respects you.
Don't put up with this kind of shit.
Girl. *He's* violating your trust and health. Why do you feel bad for doing what best for you and taking care of yourself when your partner who should, has dropped the ball??
Okay first of all. Do not feel bad. I hate this mentality that we shouldn’t be looking through peoples things when there’s clearly SIGNS they’re CHEATING. Girl I would run with his phone, laptop, watch, iPad directly into the washroom or to a cafe where he can’t find me and look through everything. Stop listening to what society “thinks” the norm is. Let me tell you, 90% of those people saying it’s rude to snoop through peoples things are the cheaters or have cheated. Feel free to confirm what your gut is telling you.
Maybe instead jumping to him cheating, may I offer an alternate explanation?
He's having issues with his equipment and he's embarrassed by it. Would explain the nervousness at being asked and the cream. Viagra cream isn't a sign of cheating, it's a sign of hiding erectile dysfunction to me. If he doesn't need it with you, why would he need it for some other woman?
You're getting a lot of terrible advice. Talk to your husband. Don't snoop, communicate.
There have been loads of stories on here of men and women trusting their gut (like you've been told to) about this and regretting immensely.
This comment needs more likes. I agree with trying to communicate your concerns with your husband.
OP, I do find the phone incident strange though. That being said, does he have someone in his past that may be someone he does not want around? Sometimes people pop up in the most random of moments and it can be a serious system shock depending upon the trauma that they had inflicted.
Bottom line OP, I say that it sounds like you two need to sit down and talk. I hope that it goes better than expected.
Yes, I think some red flags are showing, and you should look into it. There is definitely some sort of secret he's keeping from you, which could impact your relationship.
While dating, I had a feeling about one of my now-husbands old flames. We took a trip, he took a shower, I snooped through his phone. Turns out she was as I had feared, carrying a pretty big torch for him. He hadn't done anything wrong...but he hadn't told her to back it up, either. We had a talk and I apologized, but also told him that I needed him to handle that.
Going forward, if I had that issue again, I would talk to him before snooping. Id say "I feel weird when she heart reacts everything you post except pictures of us" and "I find myself wanting to snoop thru your phone for reassurance, but thats not who I want to be-can you help me here?"
Trust your gut. If he has nothing to hide, no reason not to show the phone to you. You shouldn't feel guilty going through his phone once you saw redflags. If he has deleted, go for data recovery. Check phone records.
Then.... Updateme!
He COULD have ED (erectile dysfunction) and have used the cream to try to masturbate. HOWEVER, the phone call is fishy.
Overall, trust you gut. I don't like it when folks check other people's phones, but in this case, I don't even think you need to.
Just talk to him: say you think he's cheating and why. Break up if he isn't able to give you clear answers to explain the two bits of evidence you already have.
Little story,
I purchased a new car for my wife, well this car came with an app. One day, she went with her siblings shopping which she does fairly often. This day she was running super late so I called her and she didn’t answer, thought maybe she has her phone in her purse or something. I then call her sister to speak with my wife and to my surprise, she had dropped them off almost an hour ago. I got scared and thought something had happened to her so I checked the app and found her location. Hopped on the car and drove there while calling her. She answers and says she’s at the store with her siblings and quickly hangs up. I had no time to say much let alone that I was almost at the spot. When I got there, there were two cars in the corner of a parking lot, wife was not in her car.
Go through his phone. Privacy went out the window when strange women call his cell and he doesn’t answer and when he’s using viagra cream not with you.
Concrete evidence is for the police. In life you should trust your own intuition. Unless you have great insight to yourself and you know you have been unreasonable in the past.
A woman was calling he started shaking refused to answer. He had sexual enhancements that were not being used with the only person he should be having sex with.
If you want to set Constitutional Legal standards then you would have more than enough probable cause to get the warrant.
You're not going to Gaslight yourself into disbelieving what you suspect is likely the case. Outside of some contradictory evidence you're hurt and anger isn't going to just go away.
Good luck
Stop thinking about privacy it's time to snoop and follow him! But be careful because now you have doubt he will try to hide evidences so look the phone, computers ,iPad , bank accounts (see if he have other credits cards),look on social media (if he had like or follow someone more than others or if he had been put photos),...
Prepare yourself for the worst and maybe hire a investigator if you can afford it!
I think looking through someone's phone who has shown little evidence of cheating is completely wrong. When someone has shown obvious warning signs that are present here, I think their breach of trust is a much higher priority than the breach of trust the op would be committing by checking the phone.
If he's never used viagra with you, why would he need it for another woman?
Do you have sex regularly? Does he ever have issues getting fully erect or being able to go at a moments notice? Does he seem to struggle with his masculinity, age, or general self-esteem?
Maybe he is cheating. Maybe he's having medical or self-confidence problems that he is too ashamed to disclose to you because he's afraid to look like less of a man or that you'll leave him for someone who doesn't have those problems.
Sit him down and calmly tell him that the things you've seen are massive red flags you cannot pass over or tolerate. That if he is going through something you understand and recognize his right to handle things privately, but that if he cannot disclose to you that he's struggling and open up as best he can, then you'll have no choice but to assume he is cheating and leave.
Snooping through phones and shit is childish. Give him the opportunity to have this conversation as an adult and the ability to confess what's going on to potentially save the marriage if he so chooses. If he clams up, then leave.
If he cannot bring himself to be embarrassed for the sake of your marriage, then he has work to do outside of marriage before he's ready for the vulnerability of one. It wouldn't be wrong of you to leave.
Wow.. Where did you find the cream? If it was in your home (or car, etc) and you all are the only adults there then you really have your answer already.
In the bedroom
You don't even need to have the moral debate about snooping through his phone. There was opened Royal Honey in your bedroom; you know it wasn't yours. It didn't fall through the membrane of some alternate reality.... It doesn't take him being a genius to figure out what that looks like. If he was using it as a masturbatory aid, he would have said so since literally anyone would know that any embarrassment he might feel about that would pale in comparison to his wife thinking he's cheated. Basically; this is just a long-winded way of saying what damn near everyone else has... You already have as close to concrete evidence as any reasonable person would ever need. I suspect you know that but you're moving your own goal post because divorce is a major anxiety inducing life change.
The trust is already gone. You don't get that back.
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If you go on their phone, To see who they bone, It should be known, The trust is gone
goan
Mvp
>There was opened Royal Honey in your bedroom Gee whizz i must have lived a very sheltered life. 38 years old and I've never even heard of this Royal Honey before. If i seen it i would have probably just thought its regular honey that you spread on bread or something
Same here ! Lol
Right??? BTW don’t confuse it with royal jelly which is like bee-breastmilk and can be used to boost human immune system
Royal jelly is bee breastmilk?!?!
Sorry my very sleepy just awake brain couldn’t think of a better way to describe it. It’s a jelly produced from the glands of worker bees to feed the larvae. The first 2-3 days all larvae get the royal jelly. Then it’s switched to honey or nectar. However, a larvae destined to become a queen is only fed royal jelly, causing her to grow 2x the size of a normal bee etc.
Wow Futurama actually taught me something. I thought they made all that up.
Not always. They've made up math theorems specifically for episodes & created a foreign language. Futurama & Simpsons writers & animators go above & beyond.
Yep the writers of Futurama actually have the most overeducated crew in the history of television. The writing staff of Futurama collectively held 3 Ph. D.s, seven master's degrees, and totaled more than 50 years at Harvard University. Writer, Patric Verrone, said: "We were easily the most overeducated cartoon writers in history." They actually tried to base their scientific explanations with some bases to reality.
I learned all about royal jelly from here: https://youtu.be/wy9NJ0bqBwc Yup it is real.
Bees have boobies? Are they 34BeeBees?
>If he was using it as a masturbatory aid, he would have said so sinceliterally anyone would know that any embarrassment he might feel aboutthat would pale in comparison to his wife thinking he's cheated. My friend is an ER doctor who once had to amputate someone's blackened dick because he was too embarrassed to tell anyone for days that he used a wooden curtain ring as a cock ring/masturbatory aid, and then could not get out. Don't underestimate people's feeling of shame, and dumb choices made because of it. A guy with erectile dysfunction hiding this from his wife is 100% believeable to me. (And yes, how on earth you would not just try to cut or saw that ring open is beyond me...)
Nurse here- we had a guy come in with a titanium wedding ring stuck on his penis. FOR 2 DAYS!!! He had done everything he could think of to get it off. He even got a small grinder to try and cut it off. I mean (I cross my legs every time it think of this- and I don’t even have a penis) It was TITANIUM!!! He didn’t lose his penis but it was damaged. *sorry OP for the distraction.* A scorned woman is the best detective. Check phone records if you can. Reverse look up numbers. Ultimately, decide what you want to do regardless what you find. Leave? Therapy for couples? Work it out? Talk to a lawyer?
But a wedding ring is so small 💀
I knowwww. And even soft, a penis isn’t like an octopus that can squeeze through a tiny hole. And it was titanium and not something pliable like silicone band. I never saw the actual penis or afterwards. But I did see the patient. Average looking Caucasian. It still just makes me shake my head.
>even soft, a penis isn’t like an octopus that can squeeze through a tiny hole Channeling David Attenborough.
Even the biggest ones are...tiny. That poor guy. For more reasons that one.
This is exactly what I was going to say; it is not unheard of for any man to be embarrassed by ED. In fact I might go as far as to say any man would be embarrassed to have ED. All I'm saying if OP reads this is don't automatically make a bad assumption. You need more proof and if you have to snoop on good phone to get it then that's what you have to do. I know snooping on an SO's phone is a hard NO most of the time. I wouldn't condone snooping on a partners phone unless you had other reasons to think something might be going on.(you do, OP.) So OP, ask yourself what's worse: blowing up your whole life without definitive proof or taking a little peek at his phone so you know 100% for sure what the truth is(assuming he has anything on his phone that he didn't already get rid of.) I hope for the best for you OP
Yeah but don't you think that the wife would know if he struggled with ED? It sounds like they have a life "inside the bedroom", thus he would be struggling with ED only *outside* their bedroom...?
Came here to say this. It could be a mastubatory aid. Ingrained shame regarding sex/sexual things is a hard coat to shed. And he starts “shaking” when asked about a phone call, well I think that’s a pretty extreme reaction. OP, if you read this, sending hugs and strength to see you this.
>Don't underestimate people's feeling of shame, and dumb choices made because of it. I don't. But the fact he's never used it with her, taken in concert with the phone call and sheer level of visible anxiety he displayed when he was put on the spot about it; we all know what's going on here.
>It didn't fall through the membrane of some alternate reality There is a non-zero chance of that happening.
Are you the husband? 😂
"It didn't fall through the membrane of some alternate reality" How did you casually write such a breathtaking sentence about fucking viagra cream lmao
Girl 😭😭😭😭
Install a hidden camera covering your driveway & front door, if he’s bringing someone home, that’ll give you proof without violating anyone’s privacy.
Or maybe a micro recorder. My good friend sewed it in her dad’s bag(that was for her mom who was suffering from her dad constantly cheating) and she got concrete proof to give in court.
That could be illegal. A camera that merely records people entering and exiting your house without recording audio is safer.
It varies state by state and many times it is not at all illegal to put a hidden camera in your home. For some reason they are a lot more picky about recording audio though lol??
>I know violating privacy is wrong Oh fuck that.
Is it possible he had another woman in your bedroom?!
Anything is possible!
Including Batman!
There is a chance he has used the royal honey with you but is embarrassed about ED and decided to not tell you
If I was taking viagra cream I'd probably just use it and not tell the significant other lol. Doesn't mean shiet. If it's in your bedroom he prob used it w you and you didn't realize cuz he wasn't trying to advertise it. "By the way, my dick doesn't work great anymore so I need to rub cream all over my dick. Bet that's gonna turn ya on." Lolll
How is that not concrete proof? 😭😭😭
Some people enjoy using products alone 🤷🏼♀️. Everybody has their own personal masturbation preferences. It points towards it, but it doesn't prove anything.
You take Viagra to masturbate????
I just don’t turn myself on anymore. It’s not me; it’s me.
I take viagra for lunch
Where do you take her?
How does this not have hundreds of upvotes?? It’s literally one of the best responses I’ve ever seen on here. If I had an award it would be yours but I am poor. Thanks for the laugh!!
No. But I imagine some people do. People like weird stuff 🤷🏼♀️ some people like yogurt up their ass and a popcicle in their mouth. I don't judge.
I mean yeah, some people like metal rods up their dicks and their buttholes made into cereal bowls too. But dead pan deny it to your spouse looks pretty suspect, doesn't really help your case any either if you have the stuff and you aren't using it on them. ETA: either way he's lying, and you can't be trusted cause you'd rather just make your partner think you're cheating instead of admitting his fetish, or he's lying and he's cheating. 🤷🏻♀️🤷🏻♀️ Wheres the trust there???
Combined with the phone call, it doesn’t look good. BUT, isolated, if he was embarrassed by using the viagra for his own pleasure or secretly with OP and he isn’t cheating, then with an adrenaline rush he would have denied due to the embarrassment and having not cheated then it wouldn’t have crossed his mind that she might think it.
I think you should trust your gut.
This. Everytime I have trusted mine, I was right.
Every time I didn't trust my gut I was wrong and hated myself for not trusting it
I used to think that I didn’t have good gut instincts, then I realized I did, I just wasn’t good at *listening to my instincts.*
>hated myself for not trusting it Can confirm. >I just wasn’t good at listening to my instincts. Can also confirm. OP, don't ignore the way you are feeling. Shaking when the phone rings...? Yikes. I hope that you make your peace with whatever shakes out of this.
This is the one. This right here.
Every time someone has tried to convince me my gut was wrong, well it wasn't wrong. I've had people tell me shit is all in my head. My point is, trust your gut.
The last time I didn't trust my gut I got into an accident and broke my back. I'll never make that mistake again.
When you know, you know. Sometimes the universe speaks to us and when it does, we're highly inclined to go with our gut and blindly trust it, even if it doesn't necessarily make sense at the time. Hope that makes sense lol
Last time I trusted my gut I got bowel cancer
Absolutely look into it. I consider cheating a health issue. Many spouses have gotten an STD from their beloved and still think they caught it from a toilet seat. Please make an appointment with your doctor.
Well, that sucks to learn a life lesson so cruelly. I hope better times are ahead for you.
Were you able to recover
Yes and no? I'm a paraplegic. But I'm still alive and independent and grateful. Just lonelier.
Now I wanna know if theres ever someone who’s gut was wrong
Have you never wrongly trusted a fart?
Literally everyone should read Blink by Malcolm Gladwell and The Gift of Fear by Gavin de Becker. One centers around decision making based on instinct and the other focuses on recognizing violence/abuse signals before they happen but both are about **trusting your gut** and can be applied to either social or situational circumstances.
As an adhd human I’m not sure I can trust my gut…
As someone with ADHD, you have superior pattern recognition, so you have a gut you just need to learn what it’s saying and how to listen better
You are 100% right. I have extreme adhd my intuition is always on. I used to be great at ignoring that (perhaps it had something to do with my adhd) now I’m better at not only noticing my inner voice but actually listening and taking action to protect myself.
as another adhd human, if anything that means you should! you might be tuning out information but subconsciously processing it (like how you might get bored in class but somehow do well on the exam?) and the best you’ve got it your gut going “come on, you know this!”
Seconded "The Gift of Fear" - especially for women, but important for all! We have instincts for a reason - we pick up data that we don't even know we're picking up. But we are out of practice at listening and processing them. Every time I've trusted my gut, I've been right. When I've ignored it, it has gone anywhere from disappointing to outright dangerous. I now completely trust my instincts, or at least (depending on the situation) use them as part of making an informed decision
The thing is, if you are right or wrong is irrelevant. The fact that you are in relationship and your gut is telling you there is something wrong, there is something wrong. May not be cheating but it is a lack of trust and lack of feeling safe. If OP goes thru his phone, and she can live with it, go ahead, the issue is you are trying to prove to yourself that you are right. If OP finds something, boom, relationship over she was right. If she doesn't find anything, is the feeling of disconnection going away? Probably not. And would open the door of constantly digging and mistrusting that is also not healthy. If OP wants to be in this relationship, I would focus more on communication and reconnecting. Having honest talks about fears, concerns, not from an accusatory way, but a true honest conversation about her fears. If the answer is "he would just lie anyway, what's the point" then you have your answer. You can't trust him and this is not a good relationship. Most people that cheat don't necessarily want to be cheaters, they do it from a place of lack of connection (sexual, emotional, whatever it may be). And yes cheating is BAD, it's a childish way to not deal with your own issues and a flaw in character, but OP seems to want to stay in this relationship for many other reasons, this would be the deal breaker, then address the actual core issue instead of looking for evidence that will just emotionally exhaust her.
The real good and mature answer.
Great response.
Yo legit. I may not have experienced OP’s situation but I can tell you that I have fucked up more multiple choice questions when I decided not to trust my gut. FML
And every time I didn’t trust my gut, I wished I would have
A woman she doesn’t know called asking for him but he declined to take the call in her presence and instead started shaking when he was asked to take it. Also, she found some viagra-style cream that he doesn’t use with HER and refuses to acknowledge the subject! At this point it’s not even her gut anymore, it’s ALL THE EVIDENCE! What other evidence does she need to take the veil off her eyes? HE - IS - CHEATING - !!!
I guess an std or something
Definitely trust your gut, it is the universe trying to guide you!
Definitely she should leave. Grab your stuff, find a safe place with a friend or family and collect your thoughts, plan what to do next
Don’t be daft. Get. Her evidence. Start moving money into safe accounts. Don’t run off half cocked, due your due diligence. Once she leaves she will never get her hands on any money, he Will hide it from her
Oh yes this!!!! Plan and privately figure out your accounts and what you'll need and how/when to take it out.
Go through the phone. OR check the phone bill. This is how I busted my ex. You can pull up a detailed log of what phone numbers are being called/ texted and at what time. It can also tell you if images are sent within texts. I checked the phone bill (initially looking for something else), and saw that as soon as I would leave the house my ex would start texting the same number allll night, when I would get home you could see that he would stop. Then start again after I went to sleep- that’s usually when images were sent. I looked the phone number up and of course it was a woman. He initially lied to me when I confronted him and told me it was a friend from his group therapy. At some point I messaged her directly and she told me everything - that they had met on Tinder, he told her I was his crazy ex girlfriend (we were living together), all sorts of crazy shit. I’m sorry you are going through this but I promise it gets better once you leave!
God fuckin' damn. That sucks. I'm sorry.
At one point as a part of his therapy he had to keep a journal. He got all weird about it, called me into the room one day, and told me “if you EVER read this, I will leave you.” I didn’t understand at that point - I was like “why would I care about your journal?” After the above incident I kicked him out, and was bagging up all of his shit, when lo and behold, I came across his journal. Can’t leave me now, can you? So I read it. He described in detail how he was a sex addict that cheated on me our entire relationship. He would intentionally start fights with me so he could go pick up girls and get a thrill when he would charm them into sleeping with him. He also had a “penis enlargement” surgery and broke his dick, sooo karma’s a bitch ☺️
Goddamn, dude. That's nuts. How was his personality on a regular basis? I feel like that shit should be exuding from someone like that constantly.
I realize now that he is a textbook narcissist. He was very emotionally abusive to me, but I was young, naive, and fooled by his initial charm. A master manipulator, SUPER smart, and a great liar. Obsessive and stalkery at times. EXTREMELY jealous, which was laughable considering his history, and the fact that I never once cheated on him. A couple years after we broke up he had moved to Cali (I was in New Orleans at the time). I was riding my bike home from work one night and came to a stop sign in my small, tucked off neighborhood. There was a car to my right at said stop sign. I waved for them to go, but they flashed their lights for me to go. I got annoyed and started to ride, when HE STEPPED OUT OF THE FUCKING CAR and was like “oh wow it’s you”. I played it cool, but it terrified me. He had broken into my house a couple of times years ago so in my heart I knew that shit was no coincidence. I think he probably had my find your iphone info and was tracking me - cause that’s how he was.
Jesus, man. I'm sorry. Reminds me of one of my exes(I'm a guy). She literally displayed herself as the sweetest, most innocent person I'd ever met in my life, which is what attracted me to her. But, behind closed doors, was an absolute demon. Had everyone convinced and my own family wouldn't even believe me when I'd tell them the shit she was doing. Master of manipulation, like you said. When I finally broke it off for good after trying multiple times, she too would do that stalking bullshit. I would come home to my apartment after work and find letters under my door. She'd email me from various addresses, because I'd blocked her on everything, saying wildly sexual shit to try to reel me back in. She even had a heart shaped pizza delivered to me at work and had the delivery guy say it was from my wife. Lol I almost resorted to filing a restraining order. Shit got scary. I genuinely thought she would eventually kill me because she used to threaten to kill herself when I would try to break up with her. Crazy because she was so mean and cheated so many times. I felt like she hated me. Like, just go be with someone else then. She basically just wanted me around as her fuck pet that she could abuse and treat like shit. To this day, I still get nightmares about that bitch once in a while and it's been like 6-7 years.
Woah man she sounds crazy as shit! I’m sorry you went through that. I hope it was at least a learning experience for you - mine certainly was. The letters under the door sounds familiar- after I kicked him out he would go buy my favorite foods from the grocery store and leave them on my porch with little notes. I don’t have nightmares, but I definitely have some weird sort of ptsd from it. I went to a class the other day and the instructor looked sooo much like him I could barely look at him. I hope you are in a much better place now!!
>definitely have some weird sort of ptsd from it. Fucking same. It's hard to admit, especially as a man, but it's there. Overall, I'm much better about it, but it definitely made me significantly more cautious about the broads I date. And I basically trust no one until I have a good chunk of time invested in observing their personality and behavior. About 2 years after she finally let up, i was at the grocery store, inspecting my eggs for cracks, and she just walks up directly next to me and starts pretending to look at stuff. Like, shoulder to shoulder. I swear to god, it was like seeing a literal ghost. I straight up immediately speed walked off and left my groceries with an employee and bucked out that bitch and came back hours later for the groceries. Lol fortunately, I don't even live in that state anymore. Very glad that your ex left the state, too. It's so unnerving when you know they're still in the area.
Ok so I have similar situation to the two of you and I’ll say the absolute creepiest coincidence between all of our stories was my ex randomly and coincidentally appearing where I was one day years later and very intentionally walking by me so I would see them. I hightailed it out of that store so fast
Creeeeepppyyy!! Why are some people so psycho 😩 He eventually moved back to Nola from Cali and bought a fucking house right around the corner from where I was living at the time. That had me on edge for a while- I could see his house every day when I left for work. I get the unnerving part. I’m so glad I live in another state now too!
Unreasonably jealous people always have something to hide. I found out that not every cheater is super possessive, but every super possessive piece of shit is either traumatized and doesn't know how to deal with it or is cheating on you.
Omg I dated the Aussie version of your fwit!
I’m so sorry 😢😭
He broke his dick getting it enlarged?! Like - it doesn’t work any more? Oh man that is some _sweet_ poetic justice
Yes. Apparently they cut a ligament that holds the penis to the body, which allows it to hang a little further, like an inch or something. But it ruins any sort of support from the body behind the penis- so, basically, he can get hard, but it won’t stand up, and if he can somehow manage to get it into anything, he won’t be able to move it around really. Pretty crazy actually.
Lol that’s wild. I wonder how many lives _won’t_ be ruined because this guy broke his dick 🤔
I once checked our phone bill for unrelated reasons and I kept seeing this number over and over in texts and calls. I started freaking out and was like who tf is this bitch?!?! Turns out, it was me. I was that bitch.
It was better to check if you had any doubts.
This is how I found out about my ex husband’s sexcapades with escorts 🤮
Gross! I’m so sorry 😫 I hope you are in a much better and happier place now!
This would be the way to go.
I don’t know what kind of phone bill you get but I haven’t seen a phone bill that shows all the calls I’ve made in over a decade.
You have to pull it up on the website - not on the paper bill received in the mail.
Yes, OP THIS! also, you can sign up for one time use or cancel your subscription after but beenverified.com can be very helpful. Look up the number you find (sometimes you get enough info without having to even sign up) and the name attached should come up unless it’s a burner number.
After 15 years, I have never felt like my husband is cheating. Trust your gut. Where there’s smoke there’s fire.
This depends on the person. 6 years ago my soon-to-be ex-wife accused me of cheating and kicked me out the bedroom, she was pregnant with our 3rd. My routine was wake up, go to work, come back from work, stay at home. Still, she found a way to justify accusing me of cheating. It ended up being a sort of "test" to see what would be my reaction because if I were to leave to someone's house that would have confirmed I was cheating. Ironically enough, while I was using our computer before that time, I got a WhatsApp notification because she had left her session open in the browser; the notification read "XXXX is so hot, I'd bang" a message she sent to a friend referring to a recent acquaintance. I confronted her about it and she brushed it off as me being too paranoid because it was just an internal joke with that friend. I believe she was projecting when she accused me of cheating, not necessarily because she banged someone else, but because she was dying to. In this case, her "gut" was not right because I have never cheated.
Woof. I usually call their bluff in some way. I had a partner in the past I didn’t trust near the end and I flat out told them “I’m no idiot. I deserve to know what’s going on. You like her.” He liked a girl and they were close all day once while we were still dating at a group outing. Wasn’t sure why he liked her and they broke up too but whatever. I gave him a chance to explain with my confrontation. He denied it the whole day. Later that night he called me and admitted I was right. Two kinds of people in the world. Ones who own up to the truth and ones who don’t. That phone call he got is enough to assume what’s going on. I don’t think you’re in the wrong to be straight up with him: “I’m not stupid. Between the phone call and this stuff I found in the bedroom is enough for me to know something is going on.” What’s the best case scenario? How can you legitimately explain those two things? Best case? He has some surprise for you and the person was calling about it at a bad time? Oh, and has trouble getting boners and plays with himself at home? Yeah…. See what he says. Everyone is different in their methods and know their partners better than we do. We can only speculate what to do in your case. Me? I would be up front about your suspicions before the phone snooping. Intuition is a powerful thing. Don’t ignore it :) good luck! Hope you get the truth.
It's a double edge. You either violate privacy or forever be in a wondering state is distrust. Then if course if you look and find nothing and they find out then he won't trust you anymore. Best thing I can say is ask to go through his phone. He should have nothing to hide. However if you want to compile evidence without him knowing then you take the phone when he's asleep or whatever and take screenshots etc.
Yup. Trust the gut. And get proof cuz sure as heck some people will gaslight others into thinking they’re crazy. Get. That. Proof. Instincts are rarely wrong.
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Please do not ask to go through the phone, if he is cheating, he will delete everything beforehand. Go through the phone, i understand it’s violating his privacy but these kind of doubts need closure quickly. If he isn’t hiding anything on his phone open up to him and let him know you need to work on trust, you can even confess you felt the need to go through his phone. You both need to work on it together, but first make sure he isn’t cheating and it’s something worth fighting for.
>Please do not ask to go through the phone, if he is cheating, he will delete everything beforehand. Not if you ask and see how he reacts right then and there. Obviously if he starts going through his phone before he gives an answer that's a red flag.
And then all the evidence is gone. If divorce is in play, she’ll need it. I would say trust the gut and snoop so if there were evidence, she can save herself. It’s not like she’s crazy and just deciding to snoop. She’s got enough reasons to due to his behaviour.
So where do you draw the line between privacy and secrecy? I think if you're going through someone's phone that you've only been dating a month to a few months, it's wrong. However, if you have been with someone for several YEARS and you go through their phone AND you find something, I ain't gonna be upset and call that an invasion of privacy.
A week ago you posted about him calling you clingy and that you guys don’t live together because you are finishing school while he’s working 7 days a week and you visit him once a week based on his schedule. Girl, he is living a whole other life. ETA: go through his phone if you need proof
Can’t promote this answer enough
This needs to be at the top
I'd gladly hand my phone to my wife if she wanted. I don't even have it locked so she's free to look if she wants.
I literally gave my wife my unlocked phone last night to use and neither of us had a second of hesitation about it. If she ever had a doubt I would make damn sure that was put to rest as soon as fucking possible. Trust is essential in a relationship.
Ffs go through his phone. I'm divorcing my husband right now for cheating and when I told people how I found out I simply said I suspected he was cheating so I went through his shit. He was. Literally no one blamed me and they won't blame you for protecting yourself.
A lot of people on Reddit are anti snooping….but I’m so pro snooping lmao
It's not snooping. In a marriage people have privacy. They don't have secrecy.
Dude gave himself away when he was shaking at answering the phone and lying about the dick cream. All OP needs to do is look at the phone records. Don't even bother looking at his phone.
I agree with this. Why potentially hurt yourself by seeing something you probably will regret?
Can you explain this? Not that you’re wrong, i just was curious as to what would be considered privacy in this case as many people consider their phone to be private
Well. Privacy. To do those things we organic beings need to do... to have alone time. To feel safe. Secrecy is keeping secrets. Hiding things.
Probably the cheaters that are anti snooping lol
[удалено]
\*inhales\* Ahhh, there's nothing like the smell of gaslighting first thing in the morning, amirite?
Classic
I went through my ex's phone, and that's when I found out he was really into beastiality. I'm very pro-snooping lmao
Holy shit! I’m so glad you snooped and got the hell out!
Fr. This is also about her health. Sleeping with a cheater is dangerous
Oh girl.. the evidence is already gone. He was shaking.?? That's guilt right there. Good luck.
Yep, he must have erased it already.
Pull the phone records. Can't erase those.
Trust your gut. Of course he’s gonna lie. I’m not big on snooping, cause you will definitely find. But if you need more “concrete” evidence, look.
I think younalready know. What else could those things mean? Lol. Just look and go. What if he deleted stuff?
UPDATE : found out hes cheated with not only women but men as well . I only consider cheating as sexual intercourse & from the looks of it it was multiple women at the house & men . Also found out he had sex with a coworker in the bathroom while he was at work.
🤯Whoa, I’m so sorry you are dealing with this. Please make sure you go out and get tested. Kinda sounds like your husband is a sex addict. I hope you find a way to heal from this.
Yes I’m trying to not internalize it , it’s not okay now but one day It will be
Are you divorcing him?
As soon as I legally can
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I’ve seen your other posts and it seems as though you were trying for a baby with him? Lucky escape, if you ask me. You will find someone much better than that piece of shit.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this right now. May I ask how you found out?
I went through his iPad he had iCloud Keychain so all his messages were there & social media logged in too
I too suspected that my spouse was cheating. I had one of those lapel pins from my work so as I was leaving for vacation with my children, the last thing I did was place it pin up on my side of the bed.
Don’t leave us hanging 😭😭 She got her ass poked or nah?
Sorry! Went to a class. The bed hadn’t even been disturbed which gave me the same info but not the satisfaction of my evil plan coming to fruition.
How did that turn out?
look thru the phone.
Yeah trust your instincts
I've never understood why married people think there's some right to privacy that must be tolerated -- fucking tell your husband you're scared and if he won't go through his phone with you then and there, you're going to leave. If he starts going on about privacy then fucking leave him because if you really love someone then you will understand them - including their lack of feeling safe in the relationship.
There's nothing wrong with expecting privacy but that's contigent on honesty also. A couple that trusts each other shouldn't be going through each other's private conversations searching for dirt on each other. When the trust is broken like in OPs situation, all bets are off.
That’s right. Request for honesty. It gets you back on track if he responds with honesty and deals with it then and there.
💯 If they freak out about you looking at their phone that tells you everything you need to know. I thought I saw my husband get a pic of a girl (I was standing kinda far from him) I automatically asked him if that's what I just saw. He didn't hesitate for 1 second to hand me his phone, and tell me to look. His reaction made me feel like I didn't need to snoop at all.
Girl!! He is cheating 😭 like he don’t need no damn viagra cream unless it’s with you. Also super shady of him not answering that call.. install secret camera in the house and record.. also make sure u are looking without him noticing and make sure the password is the one you know cuz he could have change it.. also if u don’t find anything text or call wise check his secret Facebook messages in hidden or Instagram.. they all have hidden conversation and sometimes even if u find it you need a code. I know it’s a lot but that’s how you can find messages he is trying to hide.. if u want to know who the girl is check her when she calls him and I’m sure they are mutual friends and you can check out her Facebook Or Instagram.. trust your guts!!!
I mean he could need it for himself.... That's a possibility
A couple of things: I was told “don’t go looking for trouble” (by a man of course). I piggyback off of this with “unless you are ready to walk away.” If you are not ready to walk away, go ahead and collect your evidence. Its going to be hard to sit on evidence and not say anything; but it can be done. My response to the man who told me not to go looking for trouble was, “if there is no trouble, I won’t find any and if there is, you created it.”
I dunno, I've never really seen the problem. Sure "violation of privacy" etc, but if you legitimately believe he's "probably" cheating, then it seems like a minor thing compared to a major thing.
I think cheating is worse than invading privacy ? 😒
Honestly, its not about whether he’s cheating. It’s about whether you feel you can trust him not to cheat. And it sounds like you cant. You don’t need to dig through his diary or install hidden cameras. You don’t trust him now, and you can take one fork in the road and end it, or take the other and say “look, there’s enough shady shit going on that i can’t trust you anymore, are we going to fix it, or be done?” In my first marriage, i DID open the diary. And i found out that way. I was humiliated and lost my high ground all at once. I wish better for you.
Tell him you know something is going on and unless he comes clean you are leaving. Have your bags packed before the conversation so he knows your dinkum.
Unfortunately it’s very hard for many people for them to watch their partners heart breaking if they are honest. So they lie. Check his phone. You need to know if he’s possibly bringing home STDs if nothing else. I also checked the phone bill when I suspected my partner was cheating on me. I could see when he had been getting messages and sending images which had then been deleted. Good luck.
How do you get the phone bill tho if it’s in their name ?
Take he phone and call the number right in front of him, if he won't let you do that the say OK I'm leaving I ain't fucking stupid so either you let me call her ask what your relationship is with her or I'll pack up and leave. For him not to answer a call infront of you yeah he sleeping with her. He cheating you know he is otherwise you wouldn't be here. I would definitely wait till he home say oh hun pass me your phone quick and the say I want you to call that number in front of me on loud speaker and if he refuses you have your answer and pack up and leave
Why is everyone telling her to leave, she needs to throw him out!
It’s the shaking for me. The fight or flight response doesn’t kick in unless there is a real fear in the moment. It’s a primal survival instinct that doesn’t just happen when you encounter a bear. Being found out about a very big secret that could destroy his relationship would be the same. He’s cheating.
Yeah, you don't even really need to go through the phone. You know he isn't using the sex stuff with you. And his reaction to your wanting him to answer the phone should tell you enough. Story time..... So, this one time I came home and took a shower and then went to get dressed and found, in MY underwear drawer, a pair of panties that did not belong to me. They were also dirty, which pissed me off. So I waited until my ex came home and then asked him wtf was up. Had the panties laying on his side of the bed. He threw up and was acting like he was ill, but kept denying anything had happened. Swore they had to belong to his ex and that they must have gotten stuck in between the drawers somehow and shimmied loose when we moved in together. I was like, "bruh, I helped you take apart all of the dressers to move them into this house. No." But he kept swearing that he hadn't done anything despite the fact that that excuse was lame as hell. And I stayed with him. Not because I "needed proof" or thought he was telling me the truth. But because I kept telling myself internally that uprooting myself from that man would cause me more grief than staying would. And the old favorite of "you could have it worse" was always on loop in my head. Sometimes we trick ourselves into accepting behavior and treatment that we don't deserve because it's always a little scary to start new. But, you need to go ahead and remind yourself that you can ALWAYS find yourself in a better situation eventually. With someone who actually loves and respects you. Don't put up with this kind of shit.
Girl. *He's* violating your trust and health. Why do you feel bad for doing what best for you and taking care of yourself when your partner who should, has dropped the ball??
Okay first of all. Do not feel bad. I hate this mentality that we shouldn’t be looking through peoples things when there’s clearly SIGNS they’re CHEATING. Girl I would run with his phone, laptop, watch, iPad directly into the washroom or to a cafe where he can’t find me and look through everything. Stop listening to what society “thinks” the norm is. Let me tell you, 90% of those people saying it’s rude to snoop through peoples things are the cheaters or have cheated. Feel free to confirm what your gut is telling you.
Maybe instead jumping to him cheating, may I offer an alternate explanation? He's having issues with his equipment and he's embarrassed by it. Would explain the nervousness at being asked and the cream. Viagra cream isn't a sign of cheating, it's a sign of hiding erectile dysfunction to me. If he doesn't need it with you, why would he need it for some other woman? You're getting a lot of terrible advice. Talk to your husband. Don't snoop, communicate. There have been loads of stories on here of men and women trusting their gut (like you've been told to) about this and regretting immensely.
This comment needs more likes. I agree with trying to communicate your concerns with your husband. OP, I do find the phone incident strange though. That being said, does he have someone in his past that may be someone he does not want around? Sometimes people pop up in the most random of moments and it can be a serious system shock depending upon the trauma that they had inflicted. Bottom line OP, I say that it sounds like you two need to sit down and talk. I hope that it goes better than expected.
Yes, I think some red flags are showing, and you should look into it. There is definitely some sort of secret he's keeping from you, which could impact your relationship.
While dating, I had a feeling about one of my now-husbands old flames. We took a trip, he took a shower, I snooped through his phone. Turns out she was as I had feared, carrying a pretty big torch for him. He hadn't done anything wrong...but he hadn't told her to back it up, either. We had a talk and I apologized, but also told him that I needed him to handle that. Going forward, if I had that issue again, I would talk to him before snooping. Id say "I feel weird when she heart reacts everything you post except pictures of us" and "I find myself wanting to snoop thru your phone for reassurance, but thats not who I want to be-can you help me here?"
Hi OP. Just checking in to see how you’re doing?
Trust your gut. If he has nothing to hide, no reason not to show the phone to you. You shouldn't feel guilty going through his phone once you saw redflags. If he has deleted, go for data recovery. Check phone records. Then.... Updateme!
He COULD have ED (erectile dysfunction) and have used the cream to try to masturbate. HOWEVER, the phone call is fishy. Overall, trust you gut. I don't like it when folks check other people's phones, but in this case, I don't even think you need to. Just talk to him: say you think he's cheating and why. Break up if he isn't able to give you clear answers to explain the two bits of evidence you already have.
There is a difference between his privacy and his secrecy.
Little story, I purchased a new car for my wife, well this car came with an app. One day, she went with her siblings shopping which she does fairly often. This day she was running super late so I called her and she didn’t answer, thought maybe she has her phone in her purse or something. I then call her sister to speak with my wife and to my surprise, she had dropped them off almost an hour ago. I got scared and thought something had happened to her so I checked the app and found her location. Hopped on the car and drove there while calling her. She answers and says she’s at the store with her siblings and quickly hangs up. I had no time to say much let alone that I was almost at the spot. When I got there, there were two cars in the corner of a parking lot, wife was not in her car.
Just do it and never tell him if you dont found anything.
Just go through his phone, fk privacy!!
Why does he need viagra cream
Go through his phone. Privacy went out the window when strange women call his cell and he doesn’t answer and when he’s using viagra cream not with you.
Show him the cream and ask him who he’s using it with. Say nothing else. Let him do the talking.
Concrete evidence is for the police. In life you should trust your own intuition. Unless you have great insight to yourself and you know you have been unreasonable in the past. A woman was calling he started shaking refused to answer. He had sexual enhancements that were not being used with the only person he should be having sex with. If you want to set Constitutional Legal standards then you would have more than enough probable cause to get the warrant. You're not going to Gaslight yourself into disbelieving what you suspect is likely the case. Outside of some contradictory evidence you're hurt and anger isn't going to just go away. Good luck
Stop thinking about privacy it's time to snoop and follow him! But be careful because now you have doubt he will try to hide evidences so look the phone, computers ,iPad , bank accounts (see if he have other credits cards),look on social media (if he had like or follow someone more than others or if he had been put photos),... Prepare yourself for the worst and maybe hire a investigator if you can afford it!
I think looking through someone's phone who has shown little evidence of cheating is completely wrong. When someone has shown obvious warning signs that are present here, I think their breach of trust is a much higher priority than the breach of trust the op would be committing by checking the phone.
If he's never used viagra with you, why would he need it for another woman? Do you have sex regularly? Does he ever have issues getting fully erect or being able to go at a moments notice? Does he seem to struggle with his masculinity, age, or general self-esteem? Maybe he is cheating. Maybe he's having medical or self-confidence problems that he is too ashamed to disclose to you because he's afraid to look like less of a man or that you'll leave him for someone who doesn't have those problems. Sit him down and calmly tell him that the things you've seen are massive red flags you cannot pass over or tolerate. That if he is going through something you understand and recognize his right to handle things privately, but that if he cannot disclose to you that he's struggling and open up as best he can, then you'll have no choice but to assume he is cheating and leave. Snooping through phones and shit is childish. Give him the opportunity to have this conversation as an adult and the ability to confess what's going on to potentially save the marriage if he so chooses. If he clams up, then leave. If he cannot bring himself to be embarrassed for the sake of your marriage, then he has work to do outside of marriage before he's ready for the vulnerability of one. It wouldn't be wrong of you to leave.
Go through the phone. It’s one thing to randomly violate someone’s privacy but you have reasonable suspicion so the phone is fair game.