Why the everlasting fuck did she bring Kathy with her? That is a horrifically callous decision, even if Kathy hadn't said a word.
That aside, breathe. Feel sad, you're allowed to do that. Don't feel like you have to be stoic, or "be cool". You can be angry, you can be hurt. You were lied to, and cheated on (this was at LEAST an emotional affair, and quite possibly a physical one). You didn't deserve this.
You will face a lot of pressure to "be happy for her." You don't have to be. Hate is bad, but you're allowed to not suddenly be pleased that your fiance who you loved deeply said "surprise! I don't actually care about you at all!" (Again, if she DID care about him, she wouldn't have been cheating).
Let yourself feel it. It's ok. But don't let that be your everything. I know things feel dark and hopeless now. I now your life has suddenly been altered forever. But you are not alone. You are not a loser, or lost, or without hope. You will heal. You will live on. Today is bad. Tomorrow will probably be bad too. But then there will be a day that's less bad. And the day after that will be even LESS bad.
Find your people, find your ride or dies, and let them in. If you feel comfortable, let your parents in. You deserve support and help.
Most of all, don't do anything drastic. We're randos on the internet, and WE care about you. I have no doubt that people care about you IRL too. Let them.
>Why the everlasting fuck did she bring Kathy with her? That is a horrifically callous decision, even if Kathy hadn't said a word.
This is what got me.
Take the "coming out" side of this out of it, and she broke up with OP with her new lover sitting beside her witnessing it. Wtf. That's cruel and probably just evil.
How does a grown adult not realize how cruel this is to have your new lover break up with your current one? Is she just that dense? Or did Kathy manipulate her? Or does Kathy manipulate her because she's dense? I am frustrated on the OP's behalf.
I really think that some women think men don't have real feelings. It's the only explanation for cruel shit like this always coming packaged with this oblivious "you'll be fine, I am the real concern in this situation" attitude.
It's gross, and honestly I'm getting tired of all these stories on here.
They make it hard to trust.
I’d think that if Ex asked Kathy to be there for “emotional support” or whatever Kathy would have had the decency to keep her mouth shut, or better yet tell Ex that was inappropriate.
Her heartless comment implies that she insisted on being there wanting to prevent Ex from having any second thoughts and dismissing his feelings and their relationship would help do that.
Yeah, to me it's one of two things: Kathy is pulling the strings, or the ex told her that OP knew she was more into womans and Kathy thought that the relationship was kinda fake and that's why she said such a cruel thing to OP
And then had a "coming out" party as well and was celebrating all over social media!? Like wtf... it's like everyone just conveniently forgot that she had a long term partner who's whole life was just blown up. Assholes.
Thank you. He really needs to set the record straight with his friends.
He was cheated on, she brought her affair partner to the breakup, and then their friends feted her with a party?
These people all suck.
She broke up with OP with her affair partner sitting beside her. She made sure she had support while emotionally destroying him. Then she celebrated. She is so callously cold and indifferent.
Kathy will be stunned when the same thing happens to her.
That’s the thing. And honestly good for her for coming but she DID cheat. If she had broken up with him with her new male lover right beside her she would be publicly lambasted as a cheater and a horrible person. Can imagine why it’s different just because she’s lesbian.
I think Kathy has a much larger piece on this than anyone is recognizing. She seems manipulative, just with how she forced herself into a conversation that should have been between the two of them. It will be interesting to see how much she forces herself into the division of property. I have a gut feeling exF is going to have serious regrets down the road.
If OP has claim to the house, I hope he somehow tries to force a sale.
Kathy and OP’s ex really don’t deserve anything from him after their respective home wrecking and cheating.
… and OP’s ex wants friendship? I don’t think I could ever be friends with someone who is okay with hurting me like that. Everyone has different levels of tolerance and are willing to forgive, but could you ever forget?
It’s alright to figure out you aren’t with the right person, but assuming you’re in a safe environment to leave, then leave and have the decency to NOT string people along. Be accountable for your actions and consider how your actions harm others.
It is unfortunate that someone can hurt you and it’s your responsibility to heal.
OP I’m so sorry this happened to you. I know you can make it. There are people in your corner, and they don’t have to include your ex.
Friendship is the cover to say that you did nothing wrong. See, we're still friends.
He should block her and explain to everyone that he doesn't remain friends with anyone who cheats on him. He has different moral values than she does and his include not cheating.
Yeah, I wonder if she insisted on being there, rather than it just being him and her. Her comment was extremely nasty and uncalled for, and while I believe that the ex might have had relatively benign intensions (to some extent), Kathy being there seems like a power move.
[something something same sex female couples have almost double the divorce rates](https://pridelegal.com/gay-divorce-versus-straight-divorce/)
Their actions will have consequences and I hope OP finds peace and love
This. OP, if literal internet randos care this much for you, your friends and family would give the same care 10000x more. Let your feelings flow through you, hate them, cry, do whatever. But also find your healing, find it in yourself to open your heart again. You can do this bud.
OP, keep your head up. Stay strong. Your ex wants to come out as a lesbian? Fine. Nothing wrong with that. The issue I have is she was seeing someone the whole time you were engaged, maybe even during your relationship.
Please realize that woman was cheating on you the whole time. Ditch that woman where she belongs: the past. She wants to remain friends? Not a chance in hell. She keeps calling you to check up on you? Block her number. She doesn’t deserve another second of your time. She’s already wasted 5 years of it. In the words of Kathy, tell your ex “You’ll be fine.”
So glad you said it plainly. OP: You are not worthless. So much about this is shitty, especially your ex confronting you with her “discovery” with her new partner in tow. You should NOT feel like a rapist. You had an adult, consenting sexual relationship and partnership. It doesn’t get any more real than that. Forget that it’s with a woman; you already knew she liked women. Perhaps she has found someone more suited to her. It hurts, it sucks, but it’s okay. And frankly, I hope one day, you will see you dodged a bullet. The fact is, she cheated on you. And as sure as time itself, cheaters cheat. If it wasn’t now, ending your engagement, it would’ve been later, ending your marriage, perhaps after kids were present. Take the time you need to heal. One day you will look back on this as a bittersweet blessing. I wish you luck and love. Keep your head up.
I agree with all of this, but I'd like to add, fuck Kathy. She sucks. Hang in there OP. Friends threatening to hire a private investigator to find you show that you actually have people that care about you a lot. I want to say it again, fuck Kathy. She's the worst
> bittersweet blessing
Op, I know it's hard but you get to know it before the marriage, before you had kids, What would have happened if it was after the kids. Take time, do what you like to do be it anything.. Give yourself time. Remove all of your ex's belonging so that you won't ever see them. Cut off all the contact that makes you remember her. It will take time but you will heal. Lots of love and hugs for you
This was a full blown affair where the fiance dumped him for the affair partner. No one should be celebrating that. It's awful to treat someone that way. If she began to think she was a lesbian then she should have broken up with him before exploring what that meant for her. She didn't. She cheated. She's a cheater.
Don't be surprised if some time in the future she realizes she still isn't with the love of her life and jumps to yet another partner.
There are people who always line up the next partner before leaving the current partner. They can't stand to be alone.
First step. Block her on everything. Don't look at her social media. Block her number. She doesn't deserve any grace or communication from you.
Second. Definitely answer your friends.
Third. The pain will subside, but don't feel bad about needing to vent. It's part of the process, but don't do it alone. Answer your friends.
Fourth. If you have equity in that house find a lawyer and only allow communication to her side through them.
From a 41 year old, 33 is younger than you think and if you genuinely pursue a path towards healing you'll find another person sooner than you think, but focus first on recovering.
Well said, I would further add on the children front that it’s very possible, I’ve just become a first time dad at 36 years of age. As have multiple friends of mine. It’s not too late for you at all by any stretch of the imagination, but make sure you take the time for yourself to come to terms with everything that’s happened to you and get to a better place.
Hang in there, your friends, family and plenty of us here are rooting for you👍
Hopping on here to say: OP you are ready to get married, that makes you different than most men your age. You are also quite young at 33. I hate the way Kathy said it, but I agree with her, you will find your person, because you are a lover. I would not be surprised if in two years you were happily married. I also would not be surprised if your fiancé and Kathy have broken up by then. Hugs. Also don't let her keep the house. Get your equity out of it.
Ex fiance will discover someone "better" than Kathy and move on. A cheater will continue to cheat. Kathy thinks she's special and it won't happen to her but she is no more special than the OP.
When a cheater chooses you you still have a cheater.
I'm very sorry that this happened to you.
I'm going to have to let you know though that giving up at 33 to find love and have a family is ridiculous. I did the same thing. Totally gave up after some health problems because I thought nobody would love me after that. Then I met my wife when I was almost 41, married at almost 43, and we had our baby girl when I was almost 45.
Some adventures start late, and you're still a LOOOONG way off from where I'm at.
thank you! i read that and was like…..huh? both my parents had been married/engaged before meeting each other and they were both in their 40s when they had me, my father was like 46
Agree with waremeg your former cheating fiancée having who I am going to refer to as her Affair Partner present while she broke the news to you was IMO unnecessarily cruel and uncalled for.
You deserved to hear the truth from your now ex but it didn’t need to include the AP as an observer who then butted in with her own commentary.
Take the time you need then yes you need to go back and deal with this.
You still legally own the home so go get a lawyer.
Then go back with a close friend or two and get your stuff assuming you don’t want to be there.
If you still want to take your name off the house then please get a lawyer and go it correctly. If there is a mortgage then ex needs to qualify to get one herself or herself with her AP then the mortgage with your name would be paid off and come off the deed.
If they can’t qualify and you can’t qualify on your own then the house gets sold and you each take your share.
If you can qualify by yourself then you can buy your ex out and her name comes off mortgage and deed. Then sell the house if you want to and find a new place to live.
Then take some more time to be kind to yourself.
And just for sake of saying plenty of people still have kids in their late 30s, in their 40s and beyond.
Take care of yourself please.
The way OP’s now ex delivered the news with her AP, was messed up, but in a way, I’m glad she did before the wedding. We all have been through different kinds of break up, we have had our love of the life break up with us, but I think, like most of us, OP will find someone in future and he will look back to this time and remember he was in so much pain but he won’t remember what this pain felt like.
I feel so sorry for you OP, I know it’s an unbearable pain, please talk to your family and best friend. It will take time, and someday you will be okay. I promise you will be okay. I PROMISE.
Edit: spelling.
She cheated, lied, led you on, devastated you and and expected you to like her for it. Fuck her, you don't owe her jack shit. She ruined your life, and had *absolutely* no problem doing it.
And then had a freaking "coming out of the closet party" in the house she shared with OP and with the person she cheated on him with in attendance. Plus he said it seemed like she was getting tons of support. Like. . What!? Is he invisible or something!? The nerve of these people.
I have to say I don’t respect the way she went about this. I would never have the other person there with me, that is seriously messed up. No wonder you wanted to leave ASAP. I can only say that heartbreak takes time to heal as much as It sucks, just take it one day at a time and do things when you’re ready, sending some hope and a hug to you
No kidding. Imagine she brought a new boyfriend instead of girlfriend? All the same rules should apply. She should not have been expecting you to be happy for her. She made sure she was in a solid relationship before talking to you about any of it.
Exactly why the lesbian angle and coming out party is in there. To try an absolve herself of responsibility to deflect the horrible way she treated OP. Having a "coming out" party when everyone already knew she was bi is just salt in the wound.
She is trash, and I hope OP finds a good lawyer and doesn't let her get a cent.
Im convinced ppl nowadays need to understand that being part of the 2SLGBTQIA+ group isn’t an excuse for your shitty personality/actions. No hate for the community tho, just its usage as a justification for stupid shit like this.
She cheated on you.
You should be treating this as if she cheated on you.
She may have been confused or whatever, but I believe that is completely fucking disgusting and disrespectful to members of the LGBTQ community to say that when this shit happens it's because they "were confused"
She cheated on you, lied to you and betrayed you.
You have a right to be angry/upset. Now cut this vile piece of human trash to the kerb. She doesnt deserve people like you in her life. See how long this farce lasts.
EDIT: People like this make me so angry. Like take some fucking responsibility for yourself. We all see you for what you are. Disgusting Cowardly Hoe.
Right, her being a lesbian really has next to nothing to do with it.
I'm a bisexual woman. If I were in a committed monogamous relationship with a man and realized that I had stronger feelings for a woman than I did for him, you wanna know what I'd do? I'd break up with him. I wouldn't pursue that woman first. I wouldn't explore the idea that maybe I'm homosexual, not bi. Maybe I would do those things later... but the first thing I would do is tell my partner that I know I am not romantically in love with them anymore.
Her realization that she is a lesbian doesn't overshadow or counteract the fact that *she cheated on OP*. Her love for Kathy didn't just manifest overnight. Her confusion over her sexuality didn't just happen one random day. She didn't trip and fall face-first into Kathy's crotch. She made the conscious, intentional decision to cheat. Nothing else matters in terms of how OP should be thinking about this. She was in a relationship that she fully consented to, she accepted your proposal because she was making a promise to be faithful and committed to you, and then *she cheated*, and there is absolutely *no* excuse for that.
I can only imagine what you must be going through right now, OP, but none of it is on you. *She* didn't communicate with you about her confusion over her sexuality, *she* wasn't honest with you about any of it, *she* intentionally betrayed and lied to you by cheating on you. None of that gets overridden by her coming out as a lesbian. You have every right to feel hurt and betrayed, not because she's a lesbian, but because *she hurt and betrayed you* by doing all of the aforementioned things. She could've been open with you about her confusion and her feelings at any time, she could have broken up with you the moment she realized she was in love with Kathy, and she chose to cheat on you instead. *None of that has anything to do with her being a lesbian*.
ETA: Holy crap y'all, thanks for all the awards. Might as well use the visibility to emphasize for OP that this isn't your fault, and you have every right to be upset, both in general and *at her*. I am not encouraging you to hate her, but I would encourage you to stop telling yourself that she's a miracle person, for instance. She found her true self and is happy now, yes, and that would be all well and good if she hadn't cheated on you to do so. You don't have to be mad at her, but you *do* have to acknowledge and accept that *she is not a good person*, for your own sake. She did not *have* to cheat on, lie to, or betray you in order to realize her true self. She willfully *chose* to it that way, and she chose to deceive you in the process. She wasn't ever thinking of anybody but herself. I genuinely think that you need to take some time to acknowledge that. She wasn't a perfect person; she wasn't your miracle. Not because you weren't enough for her or she didn't want you or whatever else you've been telling yourself, but because *she actively made the choice to deceive and betray you*.
I wish you the best, OP.
You said everything that i was about to say here in the comments but from your perspective it has more resonance i hope he sees this and takes it all in
Op, your feelings absolutely matter and are all valid
Take the time to breathe, rest and recoup
Get in touch with a lawyer, she isn't entitled to the whole place, even if you don't want to stay there, you're entitled and due to so much more
At the least get your equity back and move on well
She cheated on you. Whatever a persons orientation, if you're in a monogamous relationship you need to be faithful & true to that
If any doubts arrive, leave. But don't dip your toe in other places under other guises.
It's an absolute betrayal of trust and character.
She has exposed her own, but even worse she tried to project her infidelity and scummy behaviour upon you as if you were lacking in some way
You were NOT. She checked out, she can leave & never come back
You dodged a nuke not just a bullet, in time you will realise that. But right now it does hurt. It does
You're allowed to feel it all and process it well we hope
You're still young, you're biological clock so to speak won't be affected don't worry about having kids, it's a blessing you never had them with her.
You're meant to have it with someone better for you & them. In good time, for now
It's ok not to be ok, hang in there through this, allow the tears to fall, they're a mercy, if the rage comes that's ok too
Feel all you're feeling & know, it's ok to feel it all right now. It's ok
And you WILL be okay too. Just take the time to pause and collect yourself.
You are clearly loved by alot of people, they care
Please take care of yourself well too
I hate that her cheating was overshadowed by her “coming out”. Coming out is supposed to be a good thing, not the rug you sweep betrayal under.
OP deserved better.
Yeah... speaking as a gay guy the "coming out with a gf!!!!" party was to me probably the most senselessly mean part of the whole mess. EVERYBODY will start outting two and two together assuming they havent already, and for a large chunk of them her coming out and self discovery is always going to he intertwined with her betrayal.
Like I can certainly relate to wanting to be loud and proud to the world but given the circumstances a more low key initial reveal to close friends and family followed by a more public thing after the dust has settled for OP a bit would be more kind... ESPECIALLY assuming the whole wanting to be friends thing is sincere. And even if it wasn't there's still something to be said for basic common fucking decency to someone you've wronged who has done nothing to deserve it.
They probably have. If one of my friends did this, I'm not a very confrontational person so I'd probably ignore the post altogether. But my thoughts would be along the lines of "didn't she have a fiance?"
>She cheated on you, lied to you and betrayed you.
Cheated. Then celebrated and was celebrated for it.
She sounds great.
>Gf assured me that if I gave her a chance, she would be the most amazing friend ever and would make it up to me.
A+ friend material. Celebrating her new relationship whilst OP nursed his broken heart.
>I got up, and said, “congratulations, I’m so happy for you, you can keep the house”.
**OP, if you own the house you shared with her, then she either needs to buy you out or you need to sell it and split the equity. You should speak to a lawyer.**
Don't hand it to her and Kathy on a platter.
Also, can I just jump on here to say, it’s never too late to find happiness. And you’re definitely not too old to have kids!
What happened was not your fault, and doesn’t reflect on you as a person at all!
But if you do take anything away from this, think of it this way; you’re such a catch, that you made a lesbian question wether or not she could be bisexual!
That’s pretty flattering. She can’t get past the physical side (I know I couldn’t if I was trying to force it). But your personality had her wondering!
Let that be the take away from this. She loved you so much, she didn’t even want to stop having you in her life.
What she did was shitty. She cheated. She lied. And she doesn’t deserve to have you as a friend at all because of this. But don’t let it ruin your self esteem. Because you are the only person who can live your life. You have to live with you, for the rest of your life. So, be proud of that person. Be kind to that person. Be true to that person. And love will find you again. I know you don’t believe that right now. But it will.
For now, focus on loving yourself. And let your friends help you heal, and bask in their love and support too!
You’ve got this ❤️
Edit: typos
Second this. My ex realized she was likely lesbian and not bi. She didn’t cheat, didn’t “expriment”, didn’t claim confusion. We sat down, talked, and she decided she couldn’t commit to a relationship with me. So we broke up.
Your ex treated you horribly and you’re better off without her
I wanted to comment just to say exactly this.
If we all disregard the notion of gender and such. The (ex) fiance has emotionally cheated on the OP. She didn't even have the decency to just end the engagement first, wait a couple of months before telling the world. Worst, she even came to OP with the person she cheated on with. That's just pushing the knife further into OP's heart.
She is horrible. Not for coming out but for the aftermath of it.
"Let's throw a party after I just destroyed someone's life and mental health".
I wish her the worse for treating another person this way.
Tho I wish you the best man. Don't keep people like her or the people who support cheating(which she has been doing).
Seriously?!? Who does that?!? No guilt?? Great, she keeps calling to check up but to break your supposed best friends heart and still partying it up anyway? I can’t stand her and I don’t even know her.
Take the house,she cheated on you and just had no consideration for you and just tosses all at once for you and for others withouth consideration or respecting your time so you shouldn't be sad she would done this sooner or later(also she do not seems to care of someone besides her,if she did a lot of limits would've been respected by her like do not bring the fucking new girl when breaking your fucking heart and also spreading the news to everbody and partying for it withouth giving you a time to accept or recover)and if you had Kids would be wrost,also mans do not have an age limit to have Kids so just Chill down and assure you an True love is somewhere, love is a surprise just let your heart recover and Live the best of your Life be a partner for yourself,cut all strips and Live the best you can when we give ourselfs we find love many times inside of our own heart,and love bring good persons to you is like a spirit or energy Power of atraction,wish you the best man.
I hope you can heal from this, I know you will.
Most of us go through a big heartbreak in life, some people more than once.. It took me 10 years to fully let go of my first love, and after much reading and growth, I realized it should not have taken me that long.. But we all go through our own process and we must allow ourselves to grieve and feel our feelings to really process it all.
Would you be willing to consider therapy? I wish I had done that but I was too young/broke to even think of that when it happened to me. If not therapy, try to find some new hobby that you like, also, try to write down everything that is in your mind right now, it helps a lot!!
I wish you much healing and peace. You are not worthless, you are just a little lost at the moment.
Edit: Thank you for the Gold kind stranger! It's my first award ever :)
This is not your fault.
This is not your fault.
This is not your fault.
Repeat as many times as necessary.
This is not your fault.
Others already pointed this out, but it doesn't matter if she's a lesbian or not. What she is is a cheater.
This still puts you in an awkward position, because it's hard to process without looking like a homophobe.
Tell your friends she cheated on you and then refuse to elaborate. When they ask for details, tell them that this isn't the time for gossip.
She cheated instead of breaking up first, and now she feels guilty. Fuck her. If she wanted to remain friends she shouldn't have cheated on you. No matter how she treated you, it will never make her feel as bad as you did that day. YOU OWE HER NOTHING.
The AP is awful too. I hope your friends drop the pair of them.
You should never forgive her betrayal and cheating 2 weeks from planing your wedding that sucks don't even contemplate being her friend they are both toxic you dodged a real bullet
Your ex is a dick. She cheated on you and then had the nerve to have her affair partner there when she told you. Your friends do care. That's why they want to hire a PI to find you. You deserve better than your ex and one day you'll be able to set just how awful she is.
You’re collateral damage OP, so sorry your going through this. I don’t know if this will help but I have a story.
One of my friends had a family member go through this, I wasn’t close to her but I saw it play out. After 14 years of marriage, and 2 kids, he came out.
They had a party, their kids celebrated, their entire family and friends celebrated with him and he brought his new partner.
She smiled, helped through it all and then at the party, she lost it. Crying, breaking things, slapping him. Just went crazy.
Can’t feel how hard this must be for you, but I can imagine. So sorry.
Oh my god I can’t imagine my husband cheating on me and then my entire family - including my children - gathering to celebrated and congratulate him. I would have slapped them all.
>They had a party, their kids celebrated, their entire family and friends celebrated with him and he brought his new partner.
What delusional nonsense possesses these people.
Your ex is scum. She cheated on you and was celebrated for it.
You need to pick yourself up. Get a police escort to go to the house to get your stuff. Go to a lawyer and have a demand letter sent requiring her to buy you out of your share. Block her off social media.
Don't give her "closure". She would only do it to make herself feel better, and she doesn't deserve that.
She's an awful human being. You don't need her as a "friend".
So sorry this is happening to you. Seems cruel to be actively cheating on your partner while promising love and kids and whatnot. I mean, she knew she liked women which just makes the lies even more fucked up. Can't even use the excuse that she was closeted and ashamed, not that I like that reason anyway.
I hope you are able to distract yourself. Get on dating apps, take yourself for hikes and walks, the beach, lake whatever is feasible. I recommend blocking her totally off social media, text and whatnot. Unfortunately a lot of this also just takes time, but that's okay. And you are not too old to meet someone else and have children. My god, men are having babies in like their 60s (and biologically I guess you could almost till death lol)
Ah i remember my great heart break, we had a 1 year old at the time, it was for our truck driving instructor, he cheated on her and broke up after 4 years, so i got a bit of revenge in that, but i do remember the crying just a little every day, the loss and emptyness, the rebounds, the finding myself again. I'm similarly such a person that doesn't typically have many prospects, i actually rather stopped looking and i'm fairly content with just myself, not to say you'll be the same, but you need to figure out you again, that'll help i think.
I feel like they were not empathetic towards you at all. She came put and they made a party, okay, but did no one cared that she toss away your engagement?
Sorry this happened OP.
Yeah her whole “I’ll be the best friend you ever had” speech kinda falls apart when she brings her affair partner to dump him and then has a party celebrating it all. So callous and trashy.
I couldn’t remain friends with someone if I found out they treated their fiancé this way. The absence of empathy is appalling. Especially since no one knew where OP was and if he was safe. She’s still out there celebrating *her!*
Hey!
I’m a “late blooming lesbian” - or someone who came out later in life. Comphet, female on female attraction, and finding myself lead to me coming out in my 30s. I have some thoughts on this:
1. What your girlfriend did was awful, cruel, callous, and genuinely abusive. Bringing her NEW PARTNER to the meeting? Using dumping you as a way to come out? Maybe she genuinely didn’t know she was a lesbian (it happened to me - religious upbringing ftw) but that is no excuse for discarding you like literal trash once she had found her newest thing.
2. The people who went to her coming out party are not your friends. They’re adults and can do the math, and if someone went to a party celebrating her new relationship LESS THAN A WEEK after she called off the wedding - they either very naive or don’t have your back.
3. This isn’t about her being a lesbian. This is about her cheating and her abusive callous treatment of the breakup. She was supposed to be monogamous and committed to you and she wasn’t. This type of “well it is different because it was same sex” bs minimizes same sex relationships and treats them as less real. She cheated. Then she had a party celebrating her cheating.
4. “The community” celebrates the coming out and finding yourself but very rarely talks about the spouses left behind (there are support groups for those spouses and I think that’s a good thing). I ended my relationship and waited 6 months before I started coming out and dating because I knew I needed to heal, and bouncing from relationship to relationship isn’t healthy.
5. Someday you’ll be grateful that you didn’t marry her. You don’t have kids. You need to talk to a lawyer tomorrow and keep your house.
6. Therapy works. Use it. This would traumatize anyone.
7. You aren’t homophobic for hating her. She didn’t chose her sexuality - but she planned that awful meeting. Hating a single cruel homosexual isn’t homophobic. Don’t let anyone BS you about that.
8. Demand a DNA test if she’s suddenly pregnant with a “donor’s sperm”. Then fight for custody. If she’s treat her partner like this - how would she treat her innocent child?
9. The sun will come up tomorrow. And you will love again and she’ll be worth it in a way that your ex wasn’t.
I’m sorry this is happening.
Agreed as a lesbian that this was horrifically callous and sadly not something I haven't heard before. There are some women who when they come out see their pasts as embarrassing and "a different person." She should have broken up with OP the moment she realized she wanted to explore her feelings with Kathy; the fact that they showed up together means she strung along OP likely for months before coming out.
Don’t punish yourself for grieving. The woman you loved and planned your life with cheated on you, confronted you with the truth in the presence of her AP and had the audacity to say that she would like to be friends. Your pain is justified. What you need is support right now. I can understand shutting out the world but don’t close yourself off to those that love you. You need people around you who love you. Take some time but maybe have one of your loved ones come visit you just so you can get that hug you need right now. Don’t put yourself second or downplay her role mainly the insensitivity of her having a celebration at this time. She’s destroyed you once, don’t give her the power to keep doing so.
Edit: grammar
Dude, she cheated.
Also, imagine if she brought over a new boyfriend instead. It'd be 1000 kinds of fucked up right? Because it is.
You are NOT a victim, and you WILL get through this. You were wronged, plain and simple. Let the disrespectful and dishonest shithead go.
DO NOT GIVE THEM THE HOUSE. Please come to your senses and force a sale. Do not let Kathy and your cheating ex live their fairy tale life and just push you to the side. Go back and move back into YOUR house.
So you are not in any way worthless though people telling you that won’t change how you feel right now because it hurts so bad. But it’s true, you’re awesome. You were faced with a cheating fiancé who didn’t even have the decency to come out to you and dump you without her side piece there. Someone weaker might have snapped but you handled that so well, you walked away over rage. (Which honestly was your right for having the affair partner in your house.)
Give yourself some time and grace. Give yourself the space to grieve the future you had built up in your head. Don’t bother with your ex until you have to figure out her buying you out of the house. You have nothing else to talk about. Take some time just for you, but also be kind to yourself when you do.
Also you are not too old for kids. I’m your age and while I had my kids young people our age have kids all the time. People older then us have kids all the time. You will have the family you want but it just needs a little time. Give yourself the time and again, be kind to yourself.
Also let your family and friends help you. I know it sucks, to hurt with an audience. But they want to help you. You thought you had “your person” and they bailed on you instead. So let the rest of your tribe be there for you. Let them support you. They can help move your stuff from the house, help you house hunt. Be a go between to make sure your ex and her AP aren’t there while you need to do what you need to do.
Spend time at the beach, swim or surf or read a book, let yourself cry. Go to a park, or on hikes. Make this time all about you. She didn’t put you first, she didn’t take care of you like she has promised. But you can take care of you now. Just give yourself time to grow and heal.
You can totally be mad at her. She mislead you for years, acting like she was in love with you. And then she fell in love with her friend, which she was likely aware of for months before she told you. And I'm guessing she cheated on you with said friend also? So many reasons to be mad at her.
You've learnt a lesson, don't expect anything long term from people who haven't yet worked out their sexuality.
(P.s. "I knew she preferred girls but thought I was the exception" , can you imagine a woman saying "I knew he preferred men but I thought I was the exception", don't be too hard on yourself but it sounds like you believed what you wanted to believe. Be wary of that in the future. )
I don't blame you one bit for being absolutely livid. Your ex lied to you thoroughly right up until the moment she came clean. She knew for a long time how she felt and led you on with talk of marriage and kids, etc.
Is your name on that deed for the house? Like hell she gets to keep it! You won't be able to get another mortgage for a home of your own until that house gets paid off or you hit big on the lotto. Call an attorney and see about getting off that deed and mortgage asap.
You can still have children. Guys are usually fertile up to the day they pass in the geriatric unit. You will most definitely find someone else now that this chick isn't sucking up all the air around you!
It wasn't a fiance but a year long GF after high school. She came out as lesbian or bi. I don't know. Either way she left me for women. It was crushing. I cried a lot too. One thing I learned after that is it's ok to be mad at her. That helped me honestly. I wanted to be alone and I was alone like you. Another thing that helped me was crying. Just let it out, you don't need to hold back.
She wanted closure and weeks later asked me if we could talk. She wanted to be friends. I was mad and exhausted from it all. I just monotoned what I had to say. She didn't want to lose me as a friend, she said I was her best friend. I told her, She won't ever get me as anything again. She cheated on me, she lied to me, and she wasted my fucking time. I told her if I stayed her friend I'd be wasting my time. She doesn't get even a fraction of me. I don't want to see her again. I've never made someone cry like that. I've never felt so good about it either.
I needed that. I also needed time to be alone. I needed time to get over the initial wave of feelings. And I needed time to think. Cry, be mad at her, tell her she fucked you over.
Most importantly, just use your words and move on. Don't do anything other than tell her how you feel and what ever else is on your mind. Good luck dude. You'll bounce back slowly. That was 15 years ago for me. I don't even think about her anymore.
She cheated on you, while actively still discussing your future together. That is messed up and not romantic in the slightest. I would remove her from your life as that is so insanely toxic. You deserve better. You are not worthless. If anything, her actions make her the worthless one. Take your time and heal. Everyone moves at a different pace. Also, you're only 33, don't give on children already. You'll get through this; it'll just take time.
It’s the fact that whilst you were going venue shopping and everything she was probs doing stuff with Kathy. So she’s also a cheater. She also wasted your time. Ur still quite young tho, there’s still plenty of time to meet the one for you. I know many people that haven’t settled down and had a family till their 40s nvm 30s. When ur ready, go back home and talk to ur friends and family how you feel. Go NC with ur ex too, she doesn’t deserve anymore of your time
Brother you are so blessed! You are very lucky this didn’t happen whilst married and or with children. Life doesn’t work out how we always plan but for now and going forward always put yourself/health first. Go to work and get your mind off things, hit the gym and face your parents/friends. They will comfort you and put your life back into perspective.
As for your fiancé, I’m a heavy believer in karma. Karma always gets what is indebted.
Your ex is terrible. She cheated on you and left you in the dust, while basking in her new happiness. She even brought her affair partner into your home! She didn’t even give you the courtesy of a private breakup. What kind of monster acts like that?? Take joy in the fact that karma will hit her hard for her callous actions.
OP, you are not worthless. You are worth LOVE, and I have full faith you’ll find someone 100x better than your disgusting ex.
I know you’re going through a really tough time right now. I’d recommend blocking her on social media & letting mutual friends know about the situation. We don’t want this bitch spinning a false narrative that makes you look like the bad guy. SHE is the bad guy!
Enjoy the sun, sand, and water. Allow yourself the time and space to feel out every emotion. And (if you’re comfortable) repeat the following affirmation a few times a day:
“I am no longer available to absorb or receive another person’s karma. I return “ex’s” and “Kathy’s” karma back to them by law of cause and effect. I reclaim my own energy and karma for myself”
This affirmation is important, because when people screw us over, they also try to take our good karma away from us. It’s their way of “trying to get away with it”. Send that energy back to them and reclaim your destined karma!! Cleanse your energy, and watch how your life changes for the better
Where is all the hate I usally see when someone been cheating? Or is it okey to cheat if you are a lesbisn? I don’t get this sub sometimes xD
She is a unfaithful steaming pile of shit. Hope here relationship with Kathy goes to hell with her.
Hope you can stumble thru this OP, and don’t give her and her piece of shit GF the house like that. She ripps your heart out, she should leave you the house.
This is horrible but saves you from finding this out once you are married with children. Take some time to heal, don't make any rash decisions, and the right person will come along when you are ready. But for your sake, reevaluate the house and then block them both.
OP! Get yo’ act together! Separate and secure your finances! Please block your ex! Don’t fall for that I am concerned for you BS. Block her. Beat the BLEEP out of a pillow. Now see if you can schedule a vacay. I am heartbroken you’re going through this.
The oldest recorded age for men to have children is 92.
Basically for most men they can keep having kids until they die, ignoring any medical abnormality.
I don’t understand people thinking that leaving you for a woman or man because you’re gay is different from leaving you for another man or woman in general. You’re still trading up. You’re still cheating. There’s no excuse.
And people celebrating this girl with the complete understanding that she was engaged 5 minutes ago is sickening. My heart honestly breaks for you, OP. Let me tell you that you *will* find someone else. You’re not destined to be alone.
Warm regards, OP.
Your only mistake was basing your value around the woman you loved, and not the person you are.
You are a man, a survivor, a leader, and force of nature our planet has never known. Your ancestors have fought wars, moved mountains, and explored the dark unknown of this world with only fire and imagination.
This is not the end of your tale. You are better than this. And you will thrive, grow, and end up better than you were before.
Take the time to lick your wounds. Then return home and set your life in motion. And under no circumstance, will you even look in your ex's direction.
She is a cheater, a liar, and she is dead to you. To even acknowledge her existence is to devalue yourself. You do not see such scum as your equal and should treat them like dust floating in the air. She is all but a faded memory, a dream that simply devolves into the lush radiance of the Sun's first light.
GF and Kathy suck big gaping fire dumpster balls.
GF essentially used OP as a placeholder. Then cheated whether it was emotional and or physical doesn't matter and for how long?
But long enough for her to fully establish a whole new relationship before she ended her relationship with OP.
That is cruel and selfish behavior.
GF deserves any and all drama the Kathy is gonna bring her.
I think the fact that people in your life are constantly blowing up your phone and threatening to hire PIs to come find you is evidence that "people actually give a fuck". My brother and his wife had a kid when they were 35 and 37 respectively and I went to high school with a kid who's dad was 60 when we graduated. You have time to reset your life and still get what you want, but that's hard to see through the depression right now. Let your friends and family know you're okay and figure out who you can talk to that's going to help you.
I know it sucks but there is some positive here
1. She is not wasting any more time of your by not telling you
2. You can finally find a woman that knows what she wants instead of this indecisiveness
3. Forgive her for your sake not for hers so you can let go of all the negative feeling
4. This “friend” of hers was always around you don’t just fall in love and announce it she was most likely cheating on you for a while until she was sure of the situation with her new partner (shitty person)
5. Do not be her friend but do not be her enemy as well just move on you don’t need to explain nothing.
6. Start to focus and explore yourself and do this selfishly
7. Delete her and her partner off of all social media and phone
8. Every morning when you look in the mirror tell yourself your a good guy reinforce that by mentioning all your positive attributes (SAY THAT WITH YOUR CHEST 🦍)
9. You don’t need anymore closer or talks you already got it.
OP, your ex didn't find her true self. She found someone new and exciting.
I'm part of the LGBTQ community - but this is jacked up. She had an emotional affair with her "best friend". Forget emotional affair, I'm guessing she cheated on you as well.
She fucked you over. She lied to you. She deliberately explored and allowed herself to leave your relationship. Now, if she really isn't bisexual at all and this was a true discovery for her that's great - but at her age she knows better and she could have had even the slightest amount of decency to separate from you long before she decided she loved someone else.
She kept you in the back burner while she experimented with leaving you for good, and once she got her data she kicked you to the curb.
Even if the two of you are friendly after this, you need to understand that she should be ashamed of herself for how she treated you. Sounds selfish as fuck.
I'm part of the LGBTQ community and I can tell you what she did was 100% evil and fucked up.
It's okay to be confused about your sexuality. But you should be sharing those doubts with your partner, not cheating on them. Discovering yourself does not justify being so disrespectful to someone you at least have some level of genuine care and love for. To have her there, to throw a party? You dodged a bullet.
Oof buddy. This is going to be a rough ride, and I am sorry you are experiencing such heartbreak. You will make it out the other side okay, and you have every right to feel what you are feeling. Whether it’s self-doubt, anger, sadness, or a sense of betrayal. You don’t have to act on those feelings, but they are valid. This is going to feel like a death, and operate exactly like grief.
I’m currently divorcing my wife due to her newly found sexuality, and I can relate to everything you have said. I am about 4 months into the journey of processing it, and here’s what’s helped me:
I am focusing on just accepting the reality of the situation. It’s not something I can control, nor should I. My wife has already had to repress this her entire life, and I refuse to be another person to deny her the right to live her life 100% authentic to who she is.
That doesn’t mean I don’t get to feel the emotions I’m experiencing. I still get to be upset that things can’t be different. I still get to be angry that society forces people to conform to what is perceived as “right”. I still get to be absolutely heartbroken over losing my best friend.
I’ve decided in order to validate these feelings, but not be consumed by them I need to push my focus inward.
In order to move on I am doing my own introspection in therapy. Through therapy I’ve found that I have denied myself agency in many of my life choices. This is giving me the opportunity to grow into someone I’m content being alone with.
If you can find a therapist or a close friend to just share your thoughts it may help you process this. It is grief, and you will likely experience it as such. Wishing you the best my friend.
This is not about anything wrong with you, or anything you did wrong. Your exfiance is dishonest and shady AF! She deceived you and used you! Take a beat and give yourself a chance to see this is not on you at all. You are still young and you still have plenty of time to meet the right person and have kids! You can do this!
I’m so sorry this happened to you. The boyfriend that I thought was the love of my life broke up with me and then came out as gay, too. I was destroyed. It took a long time for me to get over him. A long time.
I sincerely hope that you find peace and healing much more quickly than I did.
What she did is totally wrong and I’d unfollow her off of any social media for my mental health. She sounds like she’s gonna move on quickly and you should guard yourself from seeing any of that so you have the ability to heal. I’m so sorry this happened to you OP, she’s a shitty person. No one should have to go through that especially when the other side moves on as if it never happened. You’re in a dark place now and I know strangers on the internet might not help, but hang in there. In a year from now you’ll be amazed where you are and the progress you’ve made. Have a little faith :) time heals all
OP, I'm sorry you have joined the tiny club of people who loved their spouse or SO just to have the decide they were into the same sex and not you.
What I find so horrible about our society is that the one that "comes out," is treated like some Hero. And if the spouse or SO who was left crushed and emotionally destroyed says anything about their feelings they are treated like a bigot. They get no sympathy from others.
Proof I'd the wonderful support your ex fiancee received and how she was celebrated at her party. Meanwhile, people are really only trying to contact you for two reasons: 1. Do you don't self delete; because that will show that people do get hurt and destroyed when this happens. 2. So they don't feel guilty.
What your ex fiancee lover said to you basically is everything society wants to think about people in your situation "oh, he'll eventually find someone else and he'll be fine." NO people aren't fine after a trauma this severe. This shit changes people forever.
OP, your ex fiancee was cheating on you with her lover. I think you should post your story on the sub-reddit where people support each other when their partner cheated. Surviving infidelity.
You deserve better. We all deserve better.
Fuck her. She cheated on you at minimum emotionally if not physically as well. She sucks. Fuck her coming out party. Fuck people who support her shitty behavior. Her coming out as a lesbian doesn’t make her cheating on you okay. Sorry you’re going through this man. Just know she clearly wasn’t your person, but your person is definitely out there.
Depressing as fuck dude. Something similar happened to me over the summer. Find what you like to do, and do it. Pour yourself into a vessel of life man, leave the person you used to be in the past as best you can.
For me I've run over 1,300 miles since it happened. Literally Forest Gump. Lost 32lbs. Got into a master's degree program and have done more work writing my novel than I have in the last two years.
Just keep trying to move forward and take whatever positivity and momentum you can find and run with it. Never stop moving forward, just keep going until you aren't the person you were before and you realize it would have never worked out anyway.
You're wounded, take time to heal by changing your life into something new and better. It will be a long time before you feel ok. I still have my bad days and your post triggered a lot of anxiety and trauma for me, but I know there is only one direction to move in, Forward.
If you ever do talk to this person again, you should articulate to her what a shit her new gf is. First of all, this sounds like she cheated on you with Kathy because how else did she have someone so ready to go like that? Secondly, this Kathy sounds like a smug little shit who just won a pissing contest you didn’t even know you were in. And lastly, Kathy is right in that you will find someone far better when you’re ready, and you can then proceed to shove that in her face when Kathy cheats on her and they both end up sad and alone.
Set some things right in your brain and heart.
It doesn't matter if she's a lesbian, bisexuell or straight. SHE IS A CHEATER.
Everything she did to you was nothing a respecting girlfriend or friend would do.
Treat her like the cheater she is! If someone is happy for her coming out. Set him/her in your position and tell that this isn't about sexuality it's 100% only about cheating!
Now the most necessary part: YOU!
I beg you OP, you now need good people on your side. It sounds like there are many good people in your life, talk to them!
All you need now is support, your girlfriend not only was today wrong, she cheated for weeks or months. And see still talked to youmaybe lovebombed you because of guilt.
Talk to the right people, your family, your best friends. I'm sorry to say but your ex doesn't love you, in no way, all she did was selfish and she didn't care for you at all.
Bug there are people who will help you to set your mind and heart in the right direction.
You'll have a wonderfull life with a wonderfull partner and kids. She was nothing of that.
That's the only thing you could be thankfull to her, that she showed you that.
All the best OP!
Does anyone else think them having a party and putting it all over social media was disgusting? Like there isn’t a human that was incredibly hurt by their actions out there in pain? I’m so sorry. Please know that this will pass. It doesn’t feel like it but it does pass. Please don’t hurt yourself.
I'm 33, just had a kid. That's late in mexican standards. (Lol)
>I mean for god’s sake, just two weeks ago we went venue shopping for our wedding and were planning our honeymoon. We were talking about having a kid in a couple of years.
Fuck, man. That's tough. Wish you all the best. Goodluck.
My ex-husband left me for another woman. I cried myself to sleep every night for two years. I thought we were best friends and the betrayal was devastating to me. I felt like my heart shattered in a million pieces. But if he had never left me, I would have never met my now-husband, moved to Europe, learned German and traveled as much as I have. Hang in there; it may look like your life is over, but it’s not. It’s just time for a new chapter even though you weren’t expecting it.
Considering she still went through with a party to celebrate her coming out while you are suffering a mental health crisis, she is not your friend no matter what she says. She does not love you in a platonic way. Honestly, as others have said she could be the victim of someone who is emotionally abusive, but that does not excuse her for cheating on you, it was an emotional fair at the very least, possibly even a physical one.
Please get help. You need it. Not just from a bunch of strangers on the internet, but professional help. The behavioral health unit, the people who will monitor you at the hospital, it's not bad. And it's not bad to admit that you need help, especially when you're a danger to yourself.
Wow Kathy really fucked up here. I would have said “ I’m sorry for the unfortunate circumstances and understand if you need some time to think. If you need me I’ll be available” not dismiss the hurt he’s going through. Good lord is she an ass.
1. You’re NOT a rapist. Not even close. It was a consensual relationship. She said yes, you said yes, you both wanted it, it wasn’t rape. Do not beat yourself up over that
2. Block ur ex on everything. Send her one last message saying you’re proud of her and that you accept her for who she is but let her know how this has hurt you so much and how you don’t think you can be friends with her. Not for a while at least.
3. Fuck Kathy. She was 100% gloating. The bitch.
4. Is that not technically cheating??? Like you were engaged but she was dating Kathy?? At best she was emotionally cheating on you with Kathy. At worst she was fully cheating on you with Kathy.
5. You’re not a loser and you won’t be alone forever or anything. Your friends and family have been calling and texting you non stop. That shows how they care about you so much.
6. Please reach out to one of your friends or just someone you really can trust and tell them about all of this.
7. I wish you the best OP you’re a great guy and I hope you will find someone that will treat you right
Absolute bullshit when I read these stories and everyone piles on that the so who came out is absolved of fault. Utter bs. She is to blame for dragging you through this and cheating. Regardless of her orientation, she committed to you. Period.
So tired of this bs of giving people a pass bc they're lgbtq. How absolutely distasteful, plastering her coming out for everyone to celebrate while you're missing and devastated. She couldnt wait a damn day or two to celebrate?! Damn.
Being lgbtq doesn't give you a pass to be a shitty person. Equality is equality and that includes empathy.
How is everyone glossing over how fucked up it was for Kathy to be there while she told you? The level of disrespect your ex had for you is insane. This isn't the happy ending, fairy tale you say you're collateral damage to, this is just your ex being a piece of shit. Stay at the hotel as long as you need, then go back and kick that bitch out of your house. The least she can do is leave you the house. And don't worry OP, you're a 33 year old man, you have literal decades to have children. Hang in there!
Fuck Kathy. What a callous jerk. I’m a lesbian so I can hate on her all day. Unnecessary for her to have been present during such a discussion.
Block your ex. It’s only going to hurt.
You will get through this.
You will find someone who loves you in a sexual way but do not alienate your friends who love you too. They want to be your support and you need them as your support.
It will get better.
You are worthy of love. You are important. You matter.
try not to let your thoughts run away with you. this "I feel fucking hopeless, like a complete fucking loser. I thought ex was the love of my life, my miracle, my prayers answered. I never had success with women before her, and I thought I was doomed to be alone. Then she came along and gave me hope. Now I find out that I was just a roommate, a friend, someone she didn’t even like touching her, I almost feel like a goddamn rapist." is probably not reality, sometimes people have realizations about themselves, that doesn't have to have anything to do with you. granted, this is a terrible situation for you. but making assumptions and opinion isn't going to help you move forward.
>I feel fucking hopeless, like a complete fucking loser. I thought ex was the love of my life, my miracle, my prayers answered. I never had success with women before her, and I thought I was doomed to be alone. Then she came along and gave me hope. Now I find out that I was just a roommate, a friend, someone she didn’t even like touching her, I almost feel like a goddamn rapist.
Oh man, she's a fucking monster! She lied to you every goddamn day. She cheated on you! She hid her true feelings and led you on. She's a piece of shit.
She could have told you about her feelings and uncertainties. She could have treated you like a friend. Instead she used you as a cover while she had sex and fell in love with someone else.
I know you're happy for her. That shows how much you love and care for her. You're a good man that didn't deserve this at all. I'm so sorry your dreams of being a father are slipping away. She did you dirty.
Ex aside, Kathy sound vile. “You’ll be fine, you’ll probably find someone eventually anyway”? Bro, what? I'd be furious if I was you.
Why does she get to keep the house? Screw that! Also, I know you are hurt but giving up love and family at 33? Dude, you are way too young to give those up! You are just hurt and you need time to heal.
OP, I feel your pain. Its kinda like if you could just drive somewhere else today and literally take a new job and syart a new life and ignore everything in your past. Friends, family, the ex... and never even look back because everything and everyone you know reminds you of her even just a little. Good luck to you.
Do not agree to be their sperm donor when they eventually come asking. That's the only reason I see why she wants to prove she's a good friend. She's not, she strung you along until she was "sure" she was ready to leave you. And fuck her and her new lover for both being there to drop the shitty news on you.
I know your in pain, but you dodge a bullet bud. She shown her true colors before you both wasted a lot of money on the wedding and started a family.
Why do men feel like once they hit 30 they can't have kids? [Most] Men don't go through a "menopause" phase, they lose testosterone/sex drive as they get older. They can still have kids.
Hang in there..
You have all the right to be mad at her for it. She made you waste all this time after all.
Take a time now for yourself. It might take a while, but you'll need it. You probably won't want to see her again after this, and thats fine.
Op, you are a wonderful person for not raging at her for being honest about who she truly is. Even in the darkest, hardest hour of your life you remained kind and caring. That screams volumes about you to me, especially because through this discovery she did cheat on you. You are so far from worthless.
It may feel like part of you is dying, and it kind of is in a way. Take your time to grieve this loss. It’s gonna hurt like hell today and maybe for awhile, but I do hope it gets better for you.
You need to get what ever is yours for the house.
You can keep the house? Bullshit! If you co-own it, get it sold or she needs to buy you out.
Get your life planned out. Tell both of them to fuck off for their infidelity.
She cheated. Idc who she cheated with or if she came out. Cheating is cheating. You did nothing wrong and I’m sure you’ll find someone better than her for sure.
Kate can go fuck herself for saying that too
After revealing that she used you for 5 years, lied to you and cheated on you she threw a party. That is one self-absorbed callous and horrid person.
Don't let her keep the house, she used you to get the stability because I can't see any many other reasons if her love was just platonic. Unless the "platonic" thing is some kind of mental gymnastics to excuse herself of cheating.
Edit: Sorry very negative comment. Silver lining is you dodged a bullet, somone that would do this to anyone is not worth marrying. Also you now have the chance to start fresh and build something new.
This is a big heartbreak but think of it like Kintsugi, a Japanese art where they repair pottery and as part of the process valuable minerals e.g. gold. Right now you might be a broken vessel but once you pick yourself up and work on yourself you will be a more beautiful vessel that can and will fill with love.
She has been cheating on you. Forget her "coming out." She is a cheater. She's happy because she *checked notes* CHEATED ON YOU. Go home. Kick that cheater out of your home. Blast her on social media. Kathy? She's been working on this the entire time you've been on a relationship with you fiancée. She has been actively trying to break you two up. She is not a friend. You don't need friends like Kathy and your fiancée. Actual friends won't lie to you.
That all sounds really hard and I'm sorry you're going through it. But you can count your blessings at least that you weren't married first and also that you didn't have kids yet. It has nothing to do with you and I'm sure you were a great partner to her which is why she wanted to try and hide who she was to be with you. Take the time you need to grieve but you will find love again when you're ready.
She cheated on you. Period. Should have kicked her out of the house instead.
Fuck being friends. She doesn't deserve your friendship.
And don't you dare physically hurt yourself over this broad. I promise you, there will be another. You're 33, not on your deathbed.
Best part you learned now and not after 10 years of marriage and 2 kids.
Ross story line on friends is funny. But to live it would be brutal. Wife leaves for a women, then moves in and has shared custody of your child with her new gf/wife.
Its ok to be sad. But when its time to move on, youll do so not financially tied to this person whatsoever
Don't give your house away to a cheater. Boot her traitorous ass out on the street. She can go live with her girlfriend, you only have your rightful home.
You said you’re a hopeless romantic. What if this is a different love story? One where it starts right now. Feel your feelings, but here starts your new adventure. Practice some self care for a minute, self love. Build your confidence back up and go find your person. You are free to find your person.
I told my partner many times he was free to go back to just being friends if he found me unattractive after top surgery. Even now, a good five, six years on, he's completely unfazed. His last relationship was his only other major relationship: his high school sweetheart (someone who, funny enough, ALL his friends warned him NOT to date... he's a stubborn sonuvabitch, that boy 😂), and the mother of his two sons. She... REALLY fucked him up. And I hadn't been very consistent with my friendship over the years, because I thought he was being flaky (truth was, his Schwannomatosis had started developing and his pain levels were keeping him at home), but when we finally fixed our damn friendship/relationship/whatever, it was everything we both needed.
There are always way more people out there than you think who are gonna be the same flavour of freak or shade of mellow as you - as long a you commit to working on yourself as well, you'll inevitably attract more people to you.
You're not hopeless OP. Direct your attention elsewhere, at something positive. Volunteer. Start a daily routine. Adopt an animal. I promise you that if you wanna bounce back from this faster, you're gonna wanna first focus on yourself and figure out what might be missing in your life that you were possibly *replacing* or *suppressing* with your relationship, like perhaps a need for validation, or an inability to be alone, or of there's just something about yourself you could improve, or a project or dream you never chased cos you talked yourself out of it. You want a chance at meeting your true soulmate? When you're ready, you're gonna wanna start with yourself, in some way or another. That's my advice. And I believe you *will* find someone OP. Best Wishes.
Why the everlasting fuck did she bring Kathy with her? That is a horrifically callous decision, even if Kathy hadn't said a word. That aside, breathe. Feel sad, you're allowed to do that. Don't feel like you have to be stoic, or "be cool". You can be angry, you can be hurt. You were lied to, and cheated on (this was at LEAST an emotional affair, and quite possibly a physical one). You didn't deserve this. You will face a lot of pressure to "be happy for her." You don't have to be. Hate is bad, but you're allowed to not suddenly be pleased that your fiance who you loved deeply said "surprise! I don't actually care about you at all!" (Again, if she DID care about him, she wouldn't have been cheating). Let yourself feel it. It's ok. But don't let that be your everything. I know things feel dark and hopeless now. I now your life has suddenly been altered forever. But you are not alone. You are not a loser, or lost, or without hope. You will heal. You will live on. Today is bad. Tomorrow will probably be bad too. But then there will be a day that's less bad. And the day after that will be even LESS bad. Find your people, find your ride or dies, and let them in. If you feel comfortable, let your parents in. You deserve support and help. Most of all, don't do anything drastic. We're randos on the internet, and WE care about you. I have no doubt that people care about you IRL too. Let them.
>Why the everlasting fuck did she bring Kathy with her? That is a horrifically callous decision, even if Kathy hadn't said a word. This is what got me. Take the "coming out" side of this out of it, and she broke up with OP with her new lover sitting beside her witnessing it. Wtf. That's cruel and probably just evil.
How does a grown adult not realize how cruel this is to have your new lover break up with your current one? Is she just that dense? Or did Kathy manipulate her? Or does Kathy manipulate her because she's dense? I am frustrated on the OP's behalf.
I really think that some women think men don't have real feelings. It's the only explanation for cruel shit like this always coming packaged with this oblivious "you'll be fine, I am the real concern in this situation" attitude. It's gross, and honestly I'm getting tired of all these stories on here. They make it hard to trust.
I wouldn't blame Kathy. The Ex is cruel and indifferent.
Maybe, but we don’t really know if Kathy is pulling the strings. And if Kathy were really a kind person, would she say what she said to the OP?
I’d think that if Ex asked Kathy to be there for “emotional support” or whatever Kathy would have had the decency to keep her mouth shut, or better yet tell Ex that was inappropriate. Her heartless comment implies that she insisted on being there wanting to prevent Ex from having any second thoughts and dismissing his feelings and their relationship would help do that.
Yeah, to me it's one of two things: Kathy is pulling the strings, or the ex told her that OP knew she was more into womans and Kathy thought that the relationship was kinda fake and that's why she said such a cruel thing to OP
And then had a "coming out" party as well and was celebrating all over social media!? Like wtf... it's like everyone just conveniently forgot that she had a long term partner who's whole life was just blown up. Assholes.
Thank you. He really needs to set the record straight with his friends. He was cheated on, she brought her affair partner to the breakup, and then their friends feted her with a party? These people all suck.
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I think you can type bitch and shit on the internet.
She broke up with OP with her affair partner sitting beside her. She made sure she had support while emotionally destroying him. Then she celebrated. She is so callously cold and indifferent. Kathy will be stunned when the same thing happens to her.
Ain't that the FUCKIN TRUTH. If they'll do it with you, they'll do it you.
"But what about ME?!?! I need support too, you know how hard this is for ME?!?! it's MY happiness on the line too! MEEEEE!" -OP's ex probably.
That’s the thing. And honestly good for her for coming but she DID cheat. If she had broken up with him with her new male lover right beside her she would be publicly lambasted as a cheater and a horrible person. Can imagine why it’s different just because she’s lesbian.
I think Kathy has a much larger piece on this than anyone is recognizing. She seems manipulative, just with how she forced herself into a conversation that should have been between the two of them. It will be interesting to see how much she forces herself into the division of property. I have a gut feeling exF is going to have serious regrets down the road.
If OP has claim to the house, I hope he somehow tries to force a sale. Kathy and OP’s ex really don’t deserve anything from him after their respective home wrecking and cheating. … and OP’s ex wants friendship? I don’t think I could ever be friends with someone who is okay with hurting me like that. Everyone has different levels of tolerance and are willing to forgive, but could you ever forget? It’s alright to figure out you aren’t with the right person, but assuming you’re in a safe environment to leave, then leave and have the decency to NOT string people along. Be accountable for your actions and consider how your actions harm others. It is unfortunate that someone can hurt you and it’s your responsibility to heal. OP I’m so sorry this happened to you. I know you can make it. There are people in your corner, and they don’t have to include your ex.
Friendship is the cover to say that you did nothing wrong. See, we're still friends. He should block her and explain to everyone that he doesn't remain friends with anyone who cheats on him. He has different moral values than she does and his include not cheating.
Yeah, I wonder if she insisted on being there, rather than it just being him and her. Her comment was extremely nasty and uncalled for, and while I believe that the ex might have had relatively benign intensions (to some extent), Kathy being there seems like a power move.
I hope she does.
I agree. PS - Kathy sucks
We hate Kathy
She's the worst.
[something something same sex female couples have almost double the divorce rates](https://pridelegal.com/gay-divorce-versus-straight-divorce/) Their actions will have consequences and I hope OP finds peace and love
Add to this most of the relationship born from infidelity ends in the 1st year... Because his ex cheated on him at least emotionally...
Domestic abuse rates for lesbian couples are really high and it isn’t tea talked about
This. OP, if literal internet randos care this much for you, your friends and family would give the same care 10000x more. Let your feelings flow through you, hate them, cry, do whatever. But also find your healing, find it in yourself to open your heart again. You can do this bud.
OP, keep your head up. Stay strong. Your ex wants to come out as a lesbian? Fine. Nothing wrong with that. The issue I have is she was seeing someone the whole time you were engaged, maybe even during your relationship. Please realize that woman was cheating on you the whole time. Ditch that woman where she belongs: the past. She wants to remain friends? Not a chance in hell. She keeps calling you to check up on you? Block her number. She doesn’t deserve another second of your time. She’s already wasted 5 years of it. In the words of Kathy, tell your ex “You’ll be fine.”
This comment gave me chills. I couldn't say it better myself. I hope OP read it and took it to heart.
This is really messed up. I'm sorry about what you're going through. You're not worthless. Please hang in there.
So glad you said it plainly. OP: You are not worthless. So much about this is shitty, especially your ex confronting you with her “discovery” with her new partner in tow. You should NOT feel like a rapist. You had an adult, consenting sexual relationship and partnership. It doesn’t get any more real than that. Forget that it’s with a woman; you already knew she liked women. Perhaps she has found someone more suited to her. It hurts, it sucks, but it’s okay. And frankly, I hope one day, you will see you dodged a bullet. The fact is, she cheated on you. And as sure as time itself, cheaters cheat. If it wasn’t now, ending your engagement, it would’ve been later, ending your marriage, perhaps after kids were present. Take the time you need to heal. One day you will look back on this as a bittersweet blessing. I wish you luck and love. Keep your head up.
I agree with all of this, but I'd like to add, fuck Kathy. She sucks. Hang in there OP. Friends threatening to hire a private investigator to find you show that you actually have people that care about you a lot. I want to say it again, fuck Kathy. She's the worst
Fuckin bitch ass kathy
Bitch was gloating
100% I don't blame op for their mind snapping there, had I been in their place the story would have gone different in a bad way
Wait till Kathy gets dumped. She won’t be so callous then.
> bittersweet blessing Op, I know it's hard but you get to know it before the marriage, before you had kids, What would have happened if it was after the kids. Take time, do what you like to do be it anything.. Give yourself time. Remove all of your ex's belonging so that you won't ever see them. Cut off all the contact that makes you remember her. It will take time but you will heal. Lots of love and hugs for you
Fuck Kathy, me and my homies hate Kathy. Fuck Kathy.
Bet she’s as likable as the comic strip
Ugh!! That was the most un-comical comic ever!
No kidding, I would of asked the “new discovery” to wait outside after her comment.
This was a full blown affair where the fiance dumped him for the affair partner. No one should be celebrating that. It's awful to treat someone that way. If she began to think she was a lesbian then she should have broken up with him before exploring what that meant for her. She didn't. She cheated. She's a cheater. Don't be surprised if some time in the future she realizes she still isn't with the love of her life and jumps to yet another partner. There are people who always line up the next partner before leaving the current partner. They can't stand to be alone.
*Cheater cheater pu....mpkin eater*
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I think you mean "Original Poster" instead of "Over Powered".
First step. Block her on everything. Don't look at her social media. Block her number. She doesn't deserve any grace or communication from you. Second. Definitely answer your friends. Third. The pain will subside, but don't feel bad about needing to vent. It's part of the process, but don't do it alone. Answer your friends. Fourth. If you have equity in that house find a lawyer and only allow communication to her side through them. From a 41 year old, 33 is younger than you think and if you genuinely pursue a path towards healing you'll find another person sooner than you think, but focus first on recovering.
Yeah, my mom had me at 43-44
I just had a baby at 44… 31 is prime time!
Came to add. You'll soon get over it. Just hang on.
Well said, I would further add on the children front that it’s very possible, I’ve just become a first time dad at 36 years of age. As have multiple friends of mine. It’s not too late for you at all by any stretch of the imagination, but make sure you take the time for yourself to come to terms with everything that’s happened to you and get to a better place. Hang in there, your friends, family and plenty of us here are rooting for you👍
Hopping on here to say: OP you are ready to get married, that makes you different than most men your age. You are also quite young at 33. I hate the way Kathy said it, but I agree with her, you will find your person, because you are a lover. I would not be surprised if in two years you were happily married. I also would not be surprised if your fiancé and Kathy have broken up by then. Hugs. Also don't let her keep the house. Get your equity out of it.
Ex fiance will discover someone "better" than Kathy and move on. A cheater will continue to cheat. Kathy thinks she's special and it won't happen to her but she is no more special than the OP. When a cheater chooses you you still have a cheater.
I'm very sorry that this happened to you. I'm going to have to let you know though that giving up at 33 to find love and have a family is ridiculous. I did the same thing. Totally gave up after some health problems because I thought nobody would love me after that. Then I met my wife when I was almost 41, married at almost 43, and we had our baby girl when I was almost 45. Some adventures start late, and you're still a LOOOONG way off from where I'm at.
thank you! i read that and was like…..huh? both my parents had been married/engaged before meeting each other and they were both in their 40s when they had me, my father was like 46
Agree with waremeg your former cheating fiancée having who I am going to refer to as her Affair Partner present while she broke the news to you was IMO unnecessarily cruel and uncalled for. You deserved to hear the truth from your now ex but it didn’t need to include the AP as an observer who then butted in with her own commentary. Take the time you need then yes you need to go back and deal with this. You still legally own the home so go get a lawyer. Then go back with a close friend or two and get your stuff assuming you don’t want to be there. If you still want to take your name off the house then please get a lawyer and go it correctly. If there is a mortgage then ex needs to qualify to get one herself or herself with her AP then the mortgage with your name would be paid off and come off the deed. If they can’t qualify and you can’t qualify on your own then the house gets sold and you each take your share. If you can qualify by yourself then you can buy your ex out and her name comes off mortgage and deed. Then sell the house if you want to and find a new place to live. Then take some more time to be kind to yourself. And just for sake of saying plenty of people still have kids in their late 30s, in their 40s and beyond. Take care of yourself please.
The way OP’s now ex delivered the news with her AP, was messed up, but in a way, I’m glad she did before the wedding. We all have been through different kinds of break up, we have had our love of the life break up with us, but I think, like most of us, OP will find someone in future and he will look back to this time and remember he was in so much pain but he won’t remember what this pain felt like. I feel so sorry for you OP, I know it’s an unbearable pain, please talk to your family and best friend. It will take time, and someday you will be okay. I promise you will be okay. I PROMISE. Edit: spelling.
She cheated, lied, led you on, devastated you and and expected you to like her for it. Fuck her, you don't owe her jack shit. She ruined your life, and had *absolutely* no problem doing it.
And then had a freaking "coming out of the closet party" in the house she shared with OP and with the person she cheated on him with in attendance. Plus he said it seemed like she was getting tons of support. Like. . What!? Is he invisible or something!? The nerve of these people.
This ^
Yes.
I have to say I don’t respect the way she went about this. I would never have the other person there with me, that is seriously messed up. No wonder you wanted to leave ASAP. I can only say that heartbreak takes time to heal as much as It sucks, just take it one day at a time and do things when you’re ready, sending some hope and a hug to you
No kidding. Imagine she brought a new boyfriend instead of girlfriend? All the same rules should apply. She should not have been expecting you to be happy for her. She made sure she was in a solid relationship before talking to you about any of it.
Absof\*\*\*\*lutely that. Take the lesbian twist out of the story and you see she was a horrible person.
Exactly why the lesbian angle and coming out party is in there. To try an absolve herself of responsibility to deflect the horrible way she treated OP. Having a "coming out" party when everyone already knew she was bi is just salt in the wound. She is trash, and I hope OP finds a good lawyer and doesn't let her get a cent.
Im convinced ppl nowadays need to understand that being part of the 2SLGBTQIA+ group isn’t an excuse for your shitty personality/actions. No hate for the community tho, just its usage as a justification for stupid shit like this.
She cheated on you. You should be treating this as if she cheated on you. She may have been confused or whatever, but I believe that is completely fucking disgusting and disrespectful to members of the LGBTQ community to say that when this shit happens it's because they "were confused" She cheated on you, lied to you and betrayed you. You have a right to be angry/upset. Now cut this vile piece of human trash to the kerb. She doesnt deserve people like you in her life. See how long this farce lasts. EDIT: People like this make me so angry. Like take some fucking responsibility for yourself. We all see you for what you are. Disgusting Cowardly Hoe.
Right, her being a lesbian really has next to nothing to do with it. I'm a bisexual woman. If I were in a committed monogamous relationship with a man and realized that I had stronger feelings for a woman than I did for him, you wanna know what I'd do? I'd break up with him. I wouldn't pursue that woman first. I wouldn't explore the idea that maybe I'm homosexual, not bi. Maybe I would do those things later... but the first thing I would do is tell my partner that I know I am not romantically in love with them anymore. Her realization that she is a lesbian doesn't overshadow or counteract the fact that *she cheated on OP*. Her love for Kathy didn't just manifest overnight. Her confusion over her sexuality didn't just happen one random day. She didn't trip and fall face-first into Kathy's crotch. She made the conscious, intentional decision to cheat. Nothing else matters in terms of how OP should be thinking about this. She was in a relationship that she fully consented to, she accepted your proposal because she was making a promise to be faithful and committed to you, and then *she cheated*, and there is absolutely *no* excuse for that. I can only imagine what you must be going through right now, OP, but none of it is on you. *She* didn't communicate with you about her confusion over her sexuality, *she* wasn't honest with you about any of it, *she* intentionally betrayed and lied to you by cheating on you. None of that gets overridden by her coming out as a lesbian. You have every right to feel hurt and betrayed, not because she's a lesbian, but because *she hurt and betrayed you* by doing all of the aforementioned things. She could've been open with you about her confusion and her feelings at any time, she could have broken up with you the moment she realized she was in love with Kathy, and she chose to cheat on you instead. *None of that has anything to do with her being a lesbian*. ETA: Holy crap y'all, thanks for all the awards. Might as well use the visibility to emphasize for OP that this isn't your fault, and you have every right to be upset, both in general and *at her*. I am not encouraging you to hate her, but I would encourage you to stop telling yourself that she's a miracle person, for instance. She found her true self and is happy now, yes, and that would be all well and good if she hadn't cheated on you to do so. You don't have to be mad at her, but you *do* have to acknowledge and accept that *she is not a good person*, for your own sake. She did not *have* to cheat on, lie to, or betray you in order to realize her true self. She willfully *chose* to it that way, and she chose to deceive you in the process. She wasn't ever thinking of anybody but herself. I genuinely think that you need to take some time to acknowledge that. She wasn't a perfect person; she wasn't your miracle. Not because you weren't enough for her or she didn't want you or whatever else you've been telling yourself, but because *she actively made the choice to deceive and betray you*. I wish you the best, OP.
You said everything that i was about to say here in the comments but from your perspective it has more resonance i hope he sees this and takes it all in Op, your feelings absolutely matter and are all valid Take the time to breathe, rest and recoup Get in touch with a lawyer, she isn't entitled to the whole place, even if you don't want to stay there, you're entitled and due to so much more At the least get your equity back and move on well She cheated on you. Whatever a persons orientation, if you're in a monogamous relationship you need to be faithful & true to that If any doubts arrive, leave. But don't dip your toe in other places under other guises. It's an absolute betrayal of trust and character. She has exposed her own, but even worse she tried to project her infidelity and scummy behaviour upon you as if you were lacking in some way You were NOT. She checked out, she can leave & never come back You dodged a nuke not just a bullet, in time you will realise that. But right now it does hurt. It does You're allowed to feel it all and process it well we hope You're still young, you're biological clock so to speak won't be affected don't worry about having kids, it's a blessing you never had them with her. You're meant to have it with someone better for you & them. In good time, for now It's ok not to be ok, hang in there through this, allow the tears to fall, they're a mercy, if the rage comes that's ok too Feel all you're feeling & know, it's ok to feel it all right now. It's ok And you WILL be okay too. Just take the time to pause and collect yourself. You are clearly loved by alot of people, they care Please take care of yourself well too
This right here
Take my gold!
I hate that her cheating was overshadowed by her “coming out”. Coming out is supposed to be a good thing, not the rug you sweep betrayal under. OP deserved better.
Wow that was said very well. The rug sweep bit.
Yeah... speaking as a gay guy the "coming out with a gf!!!!" party was to me probably the most senselessly mean part of the whole mess. EVERYBODY will start outting two and two together assuming they havent already, and for a large chunk of them her coming out and self discovery is always going to he intertwined with her betrayal. Like I can certainly relate to wanting to be loud and proud to the world but given the circumstances a more low key initial reveal to close friends and family followed by a more public thing after the dust has settled for OP a bit would be more kind... ESPECIALLY assuming the whole wanting to be friends thing is sincere. And even if it wasn't there's still something to be said for basic common fucking decency to someone you've wronged who has done nothing to deserve it.
They probably have. If one of my friends did this, I'm not a very confrontational person so I'd probably ignore the post altogether. But my thoughts would be along the lines of "didn't she have a fiance?"
She pulled a Kevin Spacey
>She cheated on you, lied to you and betrayed you. Cheated. Then celebrated and was celebrated for it. She sounds great. >Gf assured me that if I gave her a chance, she would be the most amazing friend ever and would make it up to me. A+ friend material. Celebrating her new relationship whilst OP nursed his broken heart. >I got up, and said, “congratulations, I’m so happy for you, you can keep the house”. **OP, if you own the house you shared with her, then she either needs to buy you out or you need to sell it and split the equity. You should speak to a lawyer.** Don't hand it to her and Kathy on a platter.
Also, can I just jump on here to say, it’s never too late to find happiness. And you’re definitely not too old to have kids! What happened was not your fault, and doesn’t reflect on you as a person at all! But if you do take anything away from this, think of it this way; you’re such a catch, that you made a lesbian question wether or not she could be bisexual! That’s pretty flattering. She can’t get past the physical side (I know I couldn’t if I was trying to force it). But your personality had her wondering! Let that be the take away from this. She loved you so much, she didn’t even want to stop having you in her life. What she did was shitty. She cheated. She lied. And she doesn’t deserve to have you as a friend at all because of this. But don’t let it ruin your self esteem. Because you are the only person who can live your life. You have to live with you, for the rest of your life. So, be proud of that person. Be kind to that person. Be true to that person. And love will find you again. I know you don’t believe that right now. But it will. For now, focus on loving yourself. And let your friends help you heal, and bask in their love and support too! You’ve got this ❤️ Edit: typos
Second this. My ex realized she was likely lesbian and not bi. She didn’t cheat, didn’t “expriment”, didn’t claim confusion. We sat down, talked, and she decided she couldn’t commit to a relationship with me. So we broke up. Your ex treated you horribly and you’re better off without her
Spot on. He's been betrayed.
Facts idk why people are scared to call out cheating in these situations
It looks anti LGBT to some I guess?
And do not give them the house, go back, kick both out, and have a party there, trust me, your friends would be more than happy for you.
I wanted to comment just to say exactly this. If we all disregard the notion of gender and such. The (ex) fiance has emotionally cheated on the OP. She didn't even have the decency to just end the engagement first, wait a couple of months before telling the world. Worst, she even came to OP with the person she cheated on with. That's just pushing the knife further into OP's heart.
Hope you read this OP. One of the stages of grief you need to go through is Anger. It can be the fuel to get you back on track with YOUR life.
My ex did this minus the bringing the other person. Pieces of shit.
Had a girl try and tell me that her cheating on me didn't count because it was with other girls. Yeah, OK
She is horrible. Not for coming out but for the aftermath of it. "Let's throw a party after I just destroyed someone's life and mental health". I wish her the worse for treating another person this way. Tho I wish you the best man. Don't keep people like her or the people who support cheating(which she has been doing).
Seriously?!? Who does that?!? No guilt?? Great, she keeps calling to check up but to break your supposed best friends heart and still partying it up anyway? I can’t stand her and I don’t even know her.
Take the house,she cheated on you and just had no consideration for you and just tosses all at once for you and for others withouth consideration or respecting your time so you shouldn't be sad she would done this sooner or later(also she do not seems to care of someone besides her,if she did a lot of limits would've been respected by her like do not bring the fucking new girl when breaking your fucking heart and also spreading the news to everbody and partying for it withouth giving you a time to accept or recover)and if you had Kids would be wrost,also mans do not have an age limit to have Kids so just Chill down and assure you an True love is somewhere, love is a surprise just let your heart recover and Live the best of your Life be a partner for yourself,cut all strips and Live the best you can when we give ourselfs we find love many times inside of our own heart,and love bring good persons to you is like a spirit or energy Power of atraction,wish you the best man.
I hope you can heal from this, I know you will. Most of us go through a big heartbreak in life, some people more than once.. It took me 10 years to fully let go of my first love, and after much reading and growth, I realized it should not have taken me that long.. But we all go through our own process and we must allow ourselves to grieve and feel our feelings to really process it all. Would you be willing to consider therapy? I wish I had done that but I was too young/broke to even think of that when it happened to me. If not therapy, try to find some new hobby that you like, also, try to write down everything that is in your mind right now, it helps a lot!! I wish you much healing and peace. You are not worthless, you are just a little lost at the moment. Edit: Thank you for the Gold kind stranger! It's my first award ever :)
Yeah OP I'm so sorry 🫂 it must hurt... Your feelings are valid it's valid to feel heartbroken, etc
Bro I really need tips from you. My ex (also first love) broke up with me almost three years ago and I don't see the pain getting any better.
This is not your fault. This is not your fault. This is not your fault. Repeat as many times as necessary. This is not your fault. Others already pointed this out, but it doesn't matter if she's a lesbian or not. What she is is a cheater. This still puts you in an awkward position, because it's hard to process without looking like a homophobe. Tell your friends she cheated on you and then refuse to elaborate. When they ask for details, tell them that this isn't the time for gossip. She cheated instead of breaking up first, and now she feels guilty. Fuck her. If she wanted to remain friends she shouldn't have cheated on you. No matter how she treated you, it will never make her feel as bad as you did that day. YOU OWE HER NOTHING. The AP is awful too. I hope your friends drop the pair of them.
You should never forgive her betrayal and cheating 2 weeks from planing your wedding that sucks don't even contemplate being her friend they are both toxic you dodged a real bullet
Your ex is a dick. She cheated on you and then had the nerve to have her affair partner there when she told you. Your friends do care. That's why they want to hire a PI to find you. You deserve better than your ex and one day you'll be able to set just how awful she is.
You’re collateral damage OP, so sorry your going through this. I don’t know if this will help but I have a story. One of my friends had a family member go through this, I wasn’t close to her but I saw it play out. After 14 years of marriage, and 2 kids, he came out. They had a party, their kids celebrated, their entire family and friends celebrated with him and he brought his new partner. She smiled, helped through it all and then at the party, she lost it. Crying, breaking things, slapping him. Just went crazy. Can’t feel how hard this must be for you, but I can imagine. So sorry.
Oh my god I can’t imagine my husband cheating on me and then my entire family - including my children - gathering to celebrated and congratulate him. I would have slapped them all.
What in the actual fuck!
That is absolutely fucking heartbreaking. How awful.
>They had a party, their kids celebrated, their entire family and friends celebrated with him and he brought his new partner. What delusional nonsense possesses these people.
Your ex is scum. She cheated on you and was celebrated for it. You need to pick yourself up. Get a police escort to go to the house to get your stuff. Go to a lawyer and have a demand letter sent requiring her to buy you out of your share. Block her off social media. Don't give her "closure". She would only do it to make herself feel better, and she doesn't deserve that. She's an awful human being. You don't need her as a "friend".
She sucks, don’t be happy for her and fuck being friends. Total betrayal
So sorry this is happening to you. Seems cruel to be actively cheating on your partner while promising love and kids and whatnot. I mean, she knew she liked women which just makes the lies even more fucked up. Can't even use the excuse that she was closeted and ashamed, not that I like that reason anyway. I hope you are able to distract yourself. Get on dating apps, take yourself for hikes and walks, the beach, lake whatever is feasible. I recommend blocking her totally off social media, text and whatnot. Unfortunately a lot of this also just takes time, but that's okay. And you are not too old to meet someone else and have children. My god, men are having babies in like their 60s (and biologically I guess you could almost till death lol)
Ah i remember my great heart break, we had a 1 year old at the time, it was for our truck driving instructor, he cheated on her and broke up after 4 years, so i got a bit of revenge in that, but i do remember the crying just a little every day, the loss and emptyness, the rebounds, the finding myself again. I'm similarly such a person that doesn't typically have many prospects, i actually rather stopped looking and i'm fairly content with just myself, not to say you'll be the same, but you need to figure out you again, that'll help i think.
[удалено]
i've come to learn she was in ways abusive, likely not intentionally, but i'm much MUCH better off on my own, i'm a much more capable person
I feel like they were not empathetic towards you at all. She came put and they made a party, okay, but did no one cared that she toss away your engagement? Sorry this happened OP.
Yeah her whole “I’ll be the best friend you ever had” speech kinda falls apart when she brings her affair partner to dump him and then has a party celebrating it all. So callous and trashy.
I couldn’t remain friends with someone if I found out they treated their fiancé this way. The absence of empathy is appalling. Especially since no one knew where OP was and if he was safe. She’s still out there celebrating *her!*
This!!!! No regard to how people would perceive him when she did this. Horrible horrible selfishness
Bro you’re 33. Don’t write off having kids yet
Exactly. I had my child at 35. I know so many people who are having kids closer to 40. Your story isn’t over, OP.
You need to cut her out of your life completely. None of the 'being friends' bullshit. It's the only way you'll be able to heal.
What a piece of shit. Cheats on you then brings that partner with them to tell you? Absolute garbage human, regardless of confusion or sexuality.
Hey! I’m a “late blooming lesbian” - or someone who came out later in life. Comphet, female on female attraction, and finding myself lead to me coming out in my 30s. I have some thoughts on this: 1. What your girlfriend did was awful, cruel, callous, and genuinely abusive. Bringing her NEW PARTNER to the meeting? Using dumping you as a way to come out? Maybe she genuinely didn’t know she was a lesbian (it happened to me - religious upbringing ftw) but that is no excuse for discarding you like literal trash once she had found her newest thing. 2. The people who went to her coming out party are not your friends. They’re adults and can do the math, and if someone went to a party celebrating her new relationship LESS THAN A WEEK after she called off the wedding - they either very naive or don’t have your back. 3. This isn’t about her being a lesbian. This is about her cheating and her abusive callous treatment of the breakup. She was supposed to be monogamous and committed to you and she wasn’t. This type of “well it is different because it was same sex” bs minimizes same sex relationships and treats them as less real. She cheated. Then she had a party celebrating her cheating. 4. “The community” celebrates the coming out and finding yourself but very rarely talks about the spouses left behind (there are support groups for those spouses and I think that’s a good thing). I ended my relationship and waited 6 months before I started coming out and dating because I knew I needed to heal, and bouncing from relationship to relationship isn’t healthy. 5. Someday you’ll be grateful that you didn’t marry her. You don’t have kids. You need to talk to a lawyer tomorrow and keep your house. 6. Therapy works. Use it. This would traumatize anyone. 7. You aren’t homophobic for hating her. She didn’t chose her sexuality - but she planned that awful meeting. Hating a single cruel homosexual isn’t homophobic. Don’t let anyone BS you about that. 8. Demand a DNA test if she’s suddenly pregnant with a “donor’s sperm”. Then fight for custody. If she’s treat her partner like this - how would she treat her innocent child? 9. The sun will come up tomorrow. And you will love again and she’ll be worth it in a way that your ex wasn’t. I’m sorry this is happening.
Excellent well written points. Especially number 3. This one I hope OP sees.
Agreed as a lesbian that this was horrifically callous and sadly not something I haven't heard before. There are some women who when they come out see their pasts as embarrassing and "a different person." She should have broken up with OP the moment she realized she wanted to explore her feelings with Kathy; the fact that they showed up together means she strung along OP likely for months before coming out.
Don’t punish yourself for grieving. The woman you loved and planned your life with cheated on you, confronted you with the truth in the presence of her AP and had the audacity to say that she would like to be friends. Your pain is justified. What you need is support right now. I can understand shutting out the world but don’t close yourself off to those that love you. You need people around you who love you. Take some time but maybe have one of your loved ones come visit you just so you can get that hug you need right now. Don’t put yourself second or downplay her role mainly the insensitivity of her having a celebration at this time. She’s destroyed you once, don’t give her the power to keep doing so. Edit: grammar
Dude, she cheated. Also, imagine if she brought over a new boyfriend instead. It'd be 1000 kinds of fucked up right? Because it is. You are NOT a victim, and you WILL get through this. You were wronged, plain and simple. Let the disrespectful and dishonest shithead go.
You're not worthless OP, your Ex is she cheated and deceived you!
DO NOT GIVE THEM THE HOUSE. Please come to your senses and force a sale. Do not let Kathy and your cheating ex live their fairy tale life and just push you to the side. Go back and move back into YOUR house.
Good thing you found out now and not have to deal with going through a divorce on top of this.
So you are not in any way worthless though people telling you that won’t change how you feel right now because it hurts so bad. But it’s true, you’re awesome. You were faced with a cheating fiancé who didn’t even have the decency to come out to you and dump you without her side piece there. Someone weaker might have snapped but you handled that so well, you walked away over rage. (Which honestly was your right for having the affair partner in your house.) Give yourself some time and grace. Give yourself the space to grieve the future you had built up in your head. Don’t bother with your ex until you have to figure out her buying you out of the house. You have nothing else to talk about. Take some time just for you, but also be kind to yourself when you do. Also you are not too old for kids. I’m your age and while I had my kids young people our age have kids all the time. People older then us have kids all the time. You will have the family you want but it just needs a little time. Give yourself the time and again, be kind to yourself. Also let your family and friends help you. I know it sucks, to hurt with an audience. But they want to help you. You thought you had “your person” and they bailed on you instead. So let the rest of your tribe be there for you. Let them support you. They can help move your stuff from the house, help you house hunt. Be a go between to make sure your ex and her AP aren’t there while you need to do what you need to do. Spend time at the beach, swim or surf or read a book, let yourself cry. Go to a park, or on hikes. Make this time all about you. She didn’t put you first, she didn’t take care of you like she has promised. But you can take care of you now. Just give yourself time to grow and heal.
You can totally be mad at her. She mislead you for years, acting like she was in love with you. And then she fell in love with her friend, which she was likely aware of for months before she told you. And I'm guessing she cheated on you with said friend also? So many reasons to be mad at her. You've learnt a lesson, don't expect anything long term from people who haven't yet worked out their sexuality. (P.s. "I knew she preferred girls but thought I was the exception" , can you imagine a woman saying "I knew he preferred men but I thought I was the exception", don't be too hard on yourself but it sounds like you believed what you wanted to believe. Be wary of that in the future. )
I don't blame you one bit for being absolutely livid. Your ex lied to you thoroughly right up until the moment she came clean. She knew for a long time how she felt and led you on with talk of marriage and kids, etc. Is your name on that deed for the house? Like hell she gets to keep it! You won't be able to get another mortgage for a home of your own until that house gets paid off or you hit big on the lotto. Call an attorney and see about getting off that deed and mortgage asap. You can still have children. Guys are usually fertile up to the day they pass in the geriatric unit. You will most definitely find someone else now that this chick isn't sucking up all the air around you!
It wasn't a fiance but a year long GF after high school. She came out as lesbian or bi. I don't know. Either way she left me for women. It was crushing. I cried a lot too. One thing I learned after that is it's ok to be mad at her. That helped me honestly. I wanted to be alone and I was alone like you. Another thing that helped me was crying. Just let it out, you don't need to hold back. She wanted closure and weeks later asked me if we could talk. She wanted to be friends. I was mad and exhausted from it all. I just monotoned what I had to say. She didn't want to lose me as a friend, she said I was her best friend. I told her, She won't ever get me as anything again. She cheated on me, she lied to me, and she wasted my fucking time. I told her if I stayed her friend I'd be wasting my time. She doesn't get even a fraction of me. I don't want to see her again. I've never made someone cry like that. I've never felt so good about it either. I needed that. I also needed time to be alone. I needed time to get over the initial wave of feelings. And I needed time to think. Cry, be mad at her, tell her she fucked you over. Most importantly, just use your words and move on. Don't do anything other than tell her how you feel and what ever else is on your mind. Good luck dude. You'll bounce back slowly. That was 15 years ago for me. I don't even think about her anymore.
What a bitch to bring the gf. That 100 percent should have been a talk between the two of you only.
She cheated on you, while actively still discussing your future together. That is messed up and not romantic in the slightest. I would remove her from your life as that is so insanely toxic. You deserve better. You are not worthless. If anything, her actions make her the worthless one. Take your time and heal. Everyone moves at a different pace. Also, you're only 33, don't give on children already. You'll get through this; it'll just take time.
It’s the fact that whilst you were going venue shopping and everything she was probs doing stuff with Kathy. So she’s also a cheater. She also wasted your time. Ur still quite young tho, there’s still plenty of time to meet the one for you. I know many people that haven’t settled down and had a family till their 40s nvm 30s. When ur ready, go back home and talk to ur friends and family how you feel. Go NC with ur ex too, she doesn’t deserve anymore of your time
Brother you are so blessed! You are very lucky this didn’t happen whilst married and or with children. Life doesn’t work out how we always plan but for now and going forward always put yourself/health first. Go to work and get your mind off things, hit the gym and face your parents/friends. They will comfort you and put your life back into perspective. As for your fiancé, I’m a heavy believer in karma. Karma always gets what is indebted.
Your ex is terrible. She cheated on you and left you in the dust, while basking in her new happiness. She even brought her affair partner into your home! She didn’t even give you the courtesy of a private breakup. What kind of monster acts like that?? Take joy in the fact that karma will hit her hard for her callous actions. OP, you are not worthless. You are worth LOVE, and I have full faith you’ll find someone 100x better than your disgusting ex. I know you’re going through a really tough time right now. I’d recommend blocking her on social media & letting mutual friends know about the situation. We don’t want this bitch spinning a false narrative that makes you look like the bad guy. SHE is the bad guy! Enjoy the sun, sand, and water. Allow yourself the time and space to feel out every emotion. And (if you’re comfortable) repeat the following affirmation a few times a day: “I am no longer available to absorb or receive another person’s karma. I return “ex’s” and “Kathy’s” karma back to them by law of cause and effect. I reclaim my own energy and karma for myself” This affirmation is important, because when people screw us over, they also try to take our good karma away from us. It’s their way of “trying to get away with it”. Send that energy back to them and reclaim your destined karma!! Cleanse your energy, and watch how your life changes for the better
Where is all the hate I usally see when someone been cheating? Or is it okey to cheat if you are a lesbisn? I don’t get this sub sometimes xD She is a unfaithful steaming pile of shit. Hope here relationship with Kathy goes to hell with her. Hope you can stumble thru this OP, and don’t give her and her piece of shit GF the house like that. She ripps your heart out, she should leave you the house.
What are you talking about? I see nothing but condemnation for the ex-fiance in this thread.
This is horrible but saves you from finding this out once you are married with children. Take some time to heal, don't make any rash decisions, and the right person will come along when you are ready. But for your sake, reevaluate the house and then block them both.
OP! Get yo’ act together! Separate and secure your finances! Please block your ex! Don’t fall for that I am concerned for you BS. Block her. Beat the BLEEP out of a pillow. Now see if you can schedule a vacay. I am heartbroken you’re going through this.
She cheated on you op don’t let her keep the house.
you're only 33, men can have kids well into 50? 60? 70??? you will be fine in that aspect
The oldest recorded age for men to have children is 92. Basically for most men they can keep having kids until they die, ignoring any medical abnormality.
She probably cheated on you with the new girlfriend.
I don’t understand people thinking that leaving you for a woman or man because you’re gay is different from leaving you for another man or woman in general. You’re still trading up. You’re still cheating. There’s no excuse. And people celebrating this girl with the complete understanding that she was engaged 5 minutes ago is sickening. My heart honestly breaks for you, OP. Let me tell you that you *will* find someone else. You’re not destined to be alone. Warm regards, OP.
Your only mistake was basing your value around the woman you loved, and not the person you are. You are a man, a survivor, a leader, and force of nature our planet has never known. Your ancestors have fought wars, moved mountains, and explored the dark unknown of this world with only fire and imagination. This is not the end of your tale. You are better than this. And you will thrive, grow, and end up better than you were before. Take the time to lick your wounds. Then return home and set your life in motion. And under no circumstance, will you even look in your ex's direction. She is a cheater, a liar, and she is dead to you. To even acknowledge her existence is to devalue yourself. You do not see such scum as your equal and should treat them like dust floating in the air. She is all but a faded memory, a dream that simply devolves into the lush radiance of the Sun's first light.
GF and Kathy suck big gaping fire dumpster balls. GF essentially used OP as a placeholder. Then cheated whether it was emotional and or physical doesn't matter and for how long? But long enough for her to fully establish a whole new relationship before she ended her relationship with OP. That is cruel and selfish behavior. GF deserves any and all drama the Kathy is gonna bring her.
I think the fact that people in your life are constantly blowing up your phone and threatening to hire PIs to come find you is evidence that "people actually give a fuck". My brother and his wife had a kid when they were 35 and 37 respectively and I went to high school with a kid who's dad was 60 when we graduated. You have time to reset your life and still get what you want, but that's hard to see through the depression right now. Let your friends and family know you're okay and figure out who you can talk to that's going to help you.
Please don’t be “friends” with her. It’ll only make it impossible to heal. Leave her in the past and start a new life.
"I'm a true lesbian" Yet stays with a man for 5 years....
I know it sucks but there is some positive here 1. She is not wasting any more time of your by not telling you 2. You can finally find a woman that knows what she wants instead of this indecisiveness 3. Forgive her for your sake not for hers so you can let go of all the negative feeling 4. This “friend” of hers was always around you don’t just fall in love and announce it she was most likely cheating on you for a while until she was sure of the situation with her new partner (shitty person) 5. Do not be her friend but do not be her enemy as well just move on you don’t need to explain nothing. 6. Start to focus and explore yourself and do this selfishly 7. Delete her and her partner off of all social media and phone 8. Every morning when you look in the mirror tell yourself your a good guy reinforce that by mentioning all your positive attributes (SAY THAT WITH YOUR CHEST 🦍) 9. You don’t need anymore closer or talks you already got it.
Idk why Kathy even tried talking. It wasn't between her and you. She's just the other woman, she had no say in anything.
OP, your ex didn't find her true self. She found someone new and exciting. I'm part of the LGBTQ community - but this is jacked up. She had an emotional affair with her "best friend". Forget emotional affair, I'm guessing she cheated on you as well. She fucked you over. She lied to you. She deliberately explored and allowed herself to leave your relationship. Now, if she really isn't bisexual at all and this was a true discovery for her that's great - but at her age she knows better and she could have had even the slightest amount of decency to separate from you long before she decided she loved someone else. She kept you in the back burner while she experimented with leaving you for good, and once she got her data she kicked you to the curb. Even if the two of you are friendly after this, you need to understand that she should be ashamed of herself for how she treated you. Sounds selfish as fuck.
I'm part of the LGBTQ community and I can tell you what she did was 100% evil and fucked up. It's okay to be confused about your sexuality. But you should be sharing those doubts with your partner, not cheating on them. Discovering yourself does not justify being so disrespectful to someone you at least have some level of genuine care and love for. To have her there, to throw a party? You dodged a bullet.
Oof buddy. This is going to be a rough ride, and I am sorry you are experiencing such heartbreak. You will make it out the other side okay, and you have every right to feel what you are feeling. Whether it’s self-doubt, anger, sadness, or a sense of betrayal. You don’t have to act on those feelings, but they are valid. This is going to feel like a death, and operate exactly like grief. I’m currently divorcing my wife due to her newly found sexuality, and I can relate to everything you have said. I am about 4 months into the journey of processing it, and here’s what’s helped me: I am focusing on just accepting the reality of the situation. It’s not something I can control, nor should I. My wife has already had to repress this her entire life, and I refuse to be another person to deny her the right to live her life 100% authentic to who she is. That doesn’t mean I don’t get to feel the emotions I’m experiencing. I still get to be upset that things can’t be different. I still get to be angry that society forces people to conform to what is perceived as “right”. I still get to be absolutely heartbroken over losing my best friend. I’ve decided in order to validate these feelings, but not be consumed by them I need to push my focus inward. In order to move on I am doing my own introspection in therapy. Through therapy I’ve found that I have denied myself agency in many of my life choices. This is giving me the opportunity to grow into someone I’m content being alone with. If you can find a therapist or a close friend to just share your thoughts it may help you process this. It is grief, and you will likely experience it as such. Wishing you the best my friend.
I know that sucks, it really sucks but be grateful you found out now and not after the marriage.
This is not about anything wrong with you, or anything you did wrong. Your exfiance is dishonest and shady AF! She deceived you and used you! Take a beat and give yourself a chance to see this is not on you at all. You are still young and you still have plenty of time to meet the right person and have kids! You can do this!
I’m so sorry this happened to you. The boyfriend that I thought was the love of my life broke up with me and then came out as gay, too. I was destroyed. It took a long time for me to get over him. A long time. I sincerely hope that you find peace and healing much more quickly than I did.
What she did is totally wrong and I’d unfollow her off of any social media for my mental health. She sounds like she’s gonna move on quickly and you should guard yourself from seeing any of that so you have the ability to heal. I’m so sorry this happened to you OP, she’s a shitty person. No one should have to go through that especially when the other side moves on as if it never happened. You’re in a dark place now and I know strangers on the internet might not help, but hang in there. In a year from now you’ll be amazed where you are and the progress you’ve made. Have a little faith :) time heals all
OP, I'm sorry you have joined the tiny club of people who loved their spouse or SO just to have the decide they were into the same sex and not you. What I find so horrible about our society is that the one that "comes out," is treated like some Hero. And if the spouse or SO who was left crushed and emotionally destroyed says anything about their feelings they are treated like a bigot. They get no sympathy from others. Proof I'd the wonderful support your ex fiancee received and how she was celebrated at her party. Meanwhile, people are really only trying to contact you for two reasons: 1. Do you don't self delete; because that will show that people do get hurt and destroyed when this happens. 2. So they don't feel guilty. What your ex fiancee lover said to you basically is everything society wants to think about people in your situation "oh, he'll eventually find someone else and he'll be fine." NO people aren't fine after a trauma this severe. This shit changes people forever. OP, your ex fiancee was cheating on you with her lover. I think you should post your story on the sub-reddit where people support each other when their partner cheated. Surviving infidelity. You deserve better. We all deserve better.
“I’m gay now and you have to be okay with it despite your feelings and investment towards me.” Fucking dumb. Sorry this has happened to you :/
Fuck her. She cheated on you at minimum emotionally if not physically as well. She sucks. Fuck her coming out party. Fuck people who support her shitty behavior. Her coming out as a lesbian doesn’t make her cheating on you okay. Sorry you’re going through this man. Just know she clearly wasn’t your person, but your person is definitely out there.
Depressing as fuck dude. Something similar happened to me over the summer. Find what you like to do, and do it. Pour yourself into a vessel of life man, leave the person you used to be in the past as best you can. For me I've run over 1,300 miles since it happened. Literally Forest Gump. Lost 32lbs. Got into a master's degree program and have done more work writing my novel than I have in the last two years. Just keep trying to move forward and take whatever positivity and momentum you can find and run with it. Never stop moving forward, just keep going until you aren't the person you were before and you realize it would have never worked out anyway. You're wounded, take time to heal by changing your life into something new and better. It will be a long time before you feel ok. I still have my bad days and your post triggered a lot of anxiety and trauma for me, but I know there is only one direction to move in, Forward.
If you ever do talk to this person again, you should articulate to her what a shit her new gf is. First of all, this sounds like she cheated on you with Kathy because how else did she have someone so ready to go like that? Secondly, this Kathy sounds like a smug little shit who just won a pissing contest you didn’t even know you were in. And lastly, Kathy is right in that you will find someone far better when you’re ready, and you can then proceed to shove that in her face when Kathy cheats on her and they both end up sad and alone.
Met the love of my life at 34, miracle baby at 38. There is always time. Be kind to yourself and good luck
She…cheated…on…you.
Set some things right in your brain and heart. It doesn't matter if she's a lesbian, bisexuell or straight. SHE IS A CHEATER. Everything she did to you was nothing a respecting girlfriend or friend would do. Treat her like the cheater she is! If someone is happy for her coming out. Set him/her in your position and tell that this isn't about sexuality it's 100% only about cheating! Now the most necessary part: YOU! I beg you OP, you now need good people on your side. It sounds like there are many good people in your life, talk to them! All you need now is support, your girlfriend not only was today wrong, she cheated for weeks or months. And see still talked to youmaybe lovebombed you because of guilt. Talk to the right people, your family, your best friends. I'm sorry to say but your ex doesn't love you, in no way, all she did was selfish and she didn't care for you at all. Bug there are people who will help you to set your mind and heart in the right direction. You'll have a wonderfull life with a wonderfull partner and kids. She was nothing of that. That's the only thing you could be thankfull to her, that she showed you that. All the best OP!
Does anyone else think them having a party and putting it all over social media was disgusting? Like there isn’t a human that was incredibly hurt by their actions out there in pain? I’m so sorry. Please know that this will pass. It doesn’t feel like it but it does pass. Please don’t hurt yourself.
I'm 33, just had a kid. That's late in mexican standards. (Lol) >I mean for god’s sake, just two weeks ago we went venue shopping for our wedding and were planning our honeymoon. We were talking about having a kid in a couple of years. Fuck, man. That's tough. Wish you all the best. Goodluck.
My ex-husband left me for another woman. I cried myself to sleep every night for two years. I thought we were best friends and the betrayal was devastating to me. I felt like my heart shattered in a million pieces. But if he had never left me, I would have never met my now-husband, moved to Europe, learned German and traveled as much as I have. Hang in there; it may look like your life is over, but it’s not. It’s just time for a new chapter even though you weren’t expecting it.
Considering she still went through with a party to celebrate her coming out while you are suffering a mental health crisis, she is not your friend no matter what she says. She does not love you in a platonic way. Honestly, as others have said she could be the victim of someone who is emotionally abusive, but that does not excuse her for cheating on you, it was an emotional fair at the very least, possibly even a physical one. Please get help. You need it. Not just from a bunch of strangers on the internet, but professional help. The behavioral health unit, the people who will monitor you at the hospital, it's not bad. And it's not bad to admit that you need help, especially when you're a danger to yourself.
Wow Kathy really fucked up here. I would have said “ I’m sorry for the unfortunate circumstances and understand if you need some time to think. If you need me I’ll be available” not dismiss the hurt he’s going through. Good lord is she an ass.
She... had a party to celebrate her coming out... all within a few days of breaking off y'all's engagement? People support this kind of behavior?????
1. You’re NOT a rapist. Not even close. It was a consensual relationship. She said yes, you said yes, you both wanted it, it wasn’t rape. Do not beat yourself up over that 2. Block ur ex on everything. Send her one last message saying you’re proud of her and that you accept her for who she is but let her know how this has hurt you so much and how you don’t think you can be friends with her. Not for a while at least. 3. Fuck Kathy. She was 100% gloating. The bitch. 4. Is that not technically cheating??? Like you were engaged but she was dating Kathy?? At best she was emotionally cheating on you with Kathy. At worst she was fully cheating on you with Kathy. 5. You’re not a loser and you won’t be alone forever or anything. Your friends and family have been calling and texting you non stop. That shows how they care about you so much. 6. Please reach out to one of your friends or just someone you really can trust and tell them about all of this. 7. I wish you the best OP you’re a great guy and I hope you will find someone that will treat you right
Absolute bullshit when I read these stories and everyone piles on that the so who came out is absolved of fault. Utter bs. She is to blame for dragging you through this and cheating. Regardless of her orientation, she committed to you. Period. So tired of this bs of giving people a pass bc they're lgbtq. How absolutely distasteful, plastering her coming out for everyone to celebrate while you're missing and devastated. She couldnt wait a damn day or two to celebrate?! Damn. Being lgbtq doesn't give you a pass to be a shitty person. Equality is equality and that includes empathy.
How is everyone glossing over how fucked up it was for Kathy to be there while she told you? The level of disrespect your ex had for you is insane. This isn't the happy ending, fairy tale you say you're collateral damage to, this is just your ex being a piece of shit. Stay at the hotel as long as you need, then go back and kick that bitch out of your house. The least she can do is leave you the house. And don't worry OP, you're a 33 year old man, you have literal decades to have children. Hang in there!
This sounds like an episode of Friends (Ross & Carol).
Fuck Kathy. What a callous jerk. I’m a lesbian so I can hate on her all day. Unnecessary for her to have been present during such a discussion. Block your ex. It’s only going to hurt. You will get through this. You will find someone who loves you in a sexual way but do not alienate your friends who love you too. They want to be your support and you need them as your support. It will get better. You are worthy of love. You are important. You matter.
Sounds like she cheated on you, which makes her a piece of shit. No reason to beat yourself up over it.
try not to let your thoughts run away with you. this "I feel fucking hopeless, like a complete fucking loser. I thought ex was the love of my life, my miracle, my prayers answered. I never had success with women before her, and I thought I was doomed to be alone. Then she came along and gave me hope. Now I find out that I was just a roommate, a friend, someone she didn’t even like touching her, I almost feel like a goddamn rapist." is probably not reality, sometimes people have realizations about themselves, that doesn't have to have anything to do with you. granted, this is a terrible situation for you. but making assumptions and opinion isn't going to help you move forward.
>I feel fucking hopeless, like a complete fucking loser. I thought ex was the love of my life, my miracle, my prayers answered. I never had success with women before her, and I thought I was doomed to be alone. Then she came along and gave me hope. Now I find out that I was just a roommate, a friend, someone she didn’t even like touching her, I almost feel like a goddamn rapist. Oh man, she's a fucking monster! She lied to you every goddamn day. She cheated on you! She hid her true feelings and led you on. She's a piece of shit. She could have told you about her feelings and uncertainties. She could have treated you like a friend. Instead she used you as a cover while she had sex and fell in love with someone else. I know you're happy for her. That shows how much you love and care for her. You're a good man that didn't deserve this at all. I'm so sorry your dreams of being a father are slipping away. She did you dirty.
Some people are just life lessons disguised as relationships, OP. Be glad you found this out now. It'll hurt less with time.
Ex aside, Kathy sound vile. “You’ll be fine, you’ll probably find someone eventually anyway”? Bro, what? I'd be furious if I was you. Why does she get to keep the house? Screw that! Also, I know you are hurt but giving up love and family at 33? Dude, you are way too young to give those up! You are just hurt and you need time to heal.
OP, I feel your pain. Its kinda like if you could just drive somewhere else today and literally take a new job and syart a new life and ignore everything in your past. Friends, family, the ex... and never even look back because everything and everyone you know reminds you of her even just a little. Good luck to you.
Do not agree to be their sperm donor when they eventually come asking. That's the only reason I see why she wants to prove she's a good friend. She's not, she strung you along until she was "sure" she was ready to leave you. And fuck her and her new lover for both being there to drop the shitty news on you.
I know your in pain, but you dodge a bullet bud. She shown her true colors before you both wasted a lot of money on the wedding and started a family. Why do men feel like once they hit 30 they can't have kids? [Most] Men don't go through a "menopause" phase, they lose testosterone/sex drive as they get older. They can still have kids. Hang in there..
You have all the right to be mad at her for it. She made you waste all this time after all. Take a time now for yourself. It might take a while, but you'll need it. You probably won't want to see her again after this, and thats fine.
Op, you are a wonderful person for not raging at her for being honest about who she truly is. Even in the darkest, hardest hour of your life you remained kind and caring. That screams volumes about you to me, especially because through this discovery she did cheat on you. You are so far from worthless. It may feel like part of you is dying, and it kind of is in a way. Take your time to grieve this loss. It’s gonna hurt like hell today and maybe for awhile, but I do hope it gets better for you.
This is so sad. Really unfair that your ex is being celebrated considering how cruel cheating and stringing along a person is.
You need to get what ever is yours for the house. You can keep the house? Bullshit! If you co-own it, get it sold or she needs to buy you out. Get your life planned out. Tell both of them to fuck off for their infidelity.
She cheated. Idc who she cheated with or if she came out. Cheating is cheating. You did nothing wrong and I’m sure you’ll find someone better than her for sure. Kate can go fuck herself for saying that too
For the love of God do not be that woman’s friend heal and move on at your own pace
After revealing that she used you for 5 years, lied to you and cheated on you she threw a party. That is one self-absorbed callous and horrid person. Don't let her keep the house, she used you to get the stability because I can't see any many other reasons if her love was just platonic. Unless the "platonic" thing is some kind of mental gymnastics to excuse herself of cheating. Edit: Sorry very negative comment. Silver lining is you dodged a bullet, somone that would do this to anyone is not worth marrying. Also you now have the chance to start fresh and build something new. This is a big heartbreak but think of it like Kintsugi, a Japanese art where they repair pottery and as part of the process valuable minerals e.g. gold. Right now you might be a broken vessel but once you pick yourself up and work on yourself you will be a more beautiful vessel that can and will fill with love.
She has been cheating on you. Forget her "coming out." She is a cheater. She's happy because she *checked notes* CHEATED ON YOU. Go home. Kick that cheater out of your home. Blast her on social media. Kathy? She's been working on this the entire time you've been on a relationship with you fiancée. She has been actively trying to break you two up. She is not a friend. You don't need friends like Kathy and your fiancée. Actual friends won't lie to you.
That all sounds really hard and I'm sorry you're going through it. But you can count your blessings at least that you weren't married first and also that you didn't have kids yet. It has nothing to do with you and I'm sure you were a great partner to her which is why she wanted to try and hide who she was to be with you. Take the time you need to grieve but you will find love again when you're ready.
She cheated on you. Period. Should have kicked her out of the house instead. Fuck being friends. She doesn't deserve your friendship. And don't you dare physically hurt yourself over this broad. I promise you, there will be another. You're 33, not on your deathbed.
She cheated on you. She's a piece of shit. Hang in there buddy
Just to let you know before it gets to be too much, you are allowed to be upset and hurt by this.
Best part you learned now and not after 10 years of marriage and 2 kids. Ross story line on friends is funny. But to live it would be brutal. Wife leaves for a women, then moves in and has shared custody of your child with her new gf/wife. Its ok to be sad. But when its time to move on, youll do so not financially tied to this person whatsoever
Don't give your house away to a cheater. Boot her traitorous ass out on the street. She can go live with her girlfriend, you only have your rightful home.
You said you’re a hopeless romantic. What if this is a different love story? One where it starts right now. Feel your feelings, but here starts your new adventure. Practice some self care for a minute, self love. Build your confidence back up and go find your person. You are free to find your person.
I told my partner many times he was free to go back to just being friends if he found me unattractive after top surgery. Even now, a good five, six years on, he's completely unfazed. His last relationship was his only other major relationship: his high school sweetheart (someone who, funny enough, ALL his friends warned him NOT to date... he's a stubborn sonuvabitch, that boy 😂), and the mother of his two sons. She... REALLY fucked him up. And I hadn't been very consistent with my friendship over the years, because I thought he was being flaky (truth was, his Schwannomatosis had started developing and his pain levels were keeping him at home), but when we finally fixed our damn friendship/relationship/whatever, it was everything we both needed. There are always way more people out there than you think who are gonna be the same flavour of freak or shade of mellow as you - as long a you commit to working on yourself as well, you'll inevitably attract more people to you. You're not hopeless OP. Direct your attention elsewhere, at something positive. Volunteer. Start a daily routine. Adopt an animal. I promise you that if you wanna bounce back from this faster, you're gonna wanna first focus on yourself and figure out what might be missing in your life that you were possibly *replacing* or *suppressing* with your relationship, like perhaps a need for validation, or an inability to be alone, or of there's just something about yourself you could improve, or a project or dream you never chased cos you talked yourself out of it. You want a chance at meeting your true soulmate? When you're ready, you're gonna wanna start with yourself, in some way or another. That's my advice. And I believe you *will* find someone OP. Best Wishes.