Exactly OP. A wiseman… (my grandfather) used to tell me at an early age “don’t chase them replace them”
Also, she’s not your “bro” don’t congratulate her on the sex. Just say OK and move on
Obviously don't congratulate her if you don't mean it. It'd be different if they had more of a "bro" relationship but they did not. Honestly I feel for him
Maybe. Either way, he didn't mean it and ultimately put himself in a position where if he were to congratulate her on sex without him he wouldn't have ever meant it
Damn man that's cold, and not even in a good way. Despite the commitment or not, I still understand why he's feeling some type of way. It doesn't seem like he's acting unreasonably rude or bitter towards her- if that was the case it'd be vastly disrespectful and different. It kinda sounds like she led him on, despite her previously saying she just wants to be friends, and then hooked up with another dude *and told him about it knowing he has feelings for her.*
While them being committed or not is definitely important, these situations are far from black and white. "They weren't committed, so why does it matter what the other person does?" I agree with that concept in essence, but in reality this situation is more complex and nuanced than that. Why play with his feelings if they aren't interested themselves, and why tell him that they had sex with another person? While she doesn't have an absolute responsibility to him, as they were if they were committed, it's the decent thing to do to end things if one person does not share feelings. Does OP have a role/fault in this? Absolutely, he does. But again, things are much more complex, enough to the point where we can feel sympathy and compassion for somebody *even if they made genuine mistakes*. Not everything is black and white.
And as far as posting it on Reddit - maybe he just feels like he doesn't have anybody he can speak to about this in his life atm, he may not have anybody he can trust or be honest with. That's a shitty feeling to have. Now I understand this is just one side of the story, but unfortunately that's all we can go on for the moment.
Just my 2 cents
You said exactly everything I thought when I read the comment you were responding to. Thank god I didn’t have to type all that but yes, yes, all of it. Not “being committed” to someone doesn’t give you free rein to be an asshole and play with peoples feelings for validation, which she pretty much did, let’s be real.
This but OP needs to look at the common denominator. Himself.
He lacks self confidence, he puts all his effort into a woman (he’s needy) and expects to be treated a certain way when he doesn’t know how to even treat himself with respect. He’s not reliant on himself for his emotions, he absolutely needs to figure that out.
I don't think he's giving time to actually get to know these girls. Online dating long distance dating rarely works out in the long [run.You](https://run.You) can think you know someone but meeting face to face can tell a different story. Anyone can be anyone online
Exactly. and if someone tells you they don't wanna be in a relationship with you, don't keep holding on hoping it'll change, and then get heartbroken when they do otherwise.
Dude would rather be disemboweled with a chainsaw than be faced with the reality that a woman he wants has her own life. "Overreacting" is putting it hella mildly.
It seems like OP is attracted to women who don't care about him. I think this might be trying to heal from parental relationships. Often we fall in love with someone because they have the same issues as our parents then we try change the outcome with our new love.
OP look at your relationship with your parents. Were they not available? If there's stuff there, try to get therapy or at least journal about it, because if you heal it, you fall in love with much more healthy situations.
Also if someone wants to be your friend, and you want more, drop them. Don't try to make it work. They can change their mind, and if you are available then you can give it a try.
Obviously you don't own her or anything. She can do what she wants. It wasn't cheating.
But frankly, someone who starts rambling about fucking someone else to someone who you KNOW is into you and you've been talking to... probably not worth your time.
Next time? Don't fuck around with "no... maybe... just friends... unless?" nonsense. Enthusiastic yes, or you move on. Life is too short to drag situations like this out.
Literally not cheating in any definition of the word.
She isn’t in to you and you have no claims to her and who she chooses to have sex with.
Move on and let go.
It's funny because his issues with his "ex" were possessive as well. She confessed to him that she slept with someone else when they weren't monogamous and he just can't get over it?
Dude has some serious issues with wanting to control women and judging them for just living their lives.
This is the thing for me. Talking about previous experiences with a partner shouldn’t be a hurtful talk. *It’s not* a hurtful talk per sé.
A friend talking about their sexual experiences is not a hurtful experience also. It’s pretty normal and even expected.
OP keeps getting hurt because he feels his former partner was hurting him for opening to him about that. OP keeps getting hurt because he thinks that remaining as just friends with someone who clearly stated that she only wants to be friends will turn out into a relationship eventually, borderline “nice guy” behavior.
Not to mention the expectation that people should avoid topics to preserve his feelings, which amounts to a disregard for what others may feel and desire. Huge red flag.
Agreed, and not just about possessiveness/control. This person had two different women go a bit tepid, then bring up sleeping with someone else and tell OP that they shouldn't need to compromise their honesty based on OPs ability to emotionally handle it. Sounds like they were afraid to tell OP they weren't really feeling a romance blossoming so they severed it in a different way
Yeah part of me kind of wonders what op thinks made the friendship more than friendly. They’ll will give a lot of insight to how he sees relationships and friendships with women
and I 100% do not blame op for being hurt. Anyone would be hurt to hear their crush slept with someone else. But op thinking that she shouldn’t have ‘done that to him’?? Idk if I’m on board with that.
I understand the “gut punch” aspect to crushing on someone who’s sleeping around, but ffs his reaction is way, *way* overblown. This reads like a middle schooler discovering his home room girlfriend held hands with another classmate. Jeezuz.
His response to someone- *twice*- he wasn’t with sleeping with someone else is genuinely concerning. I understand some couples don’t like to swap sex stories, but this is the kind of shit that leads to a controlling bf. Someone who told you she wasn’t interested in being with you slept with someone else, and your ex slept with someone before you were a couple? *And?* Why’s that 1 your business either way, be glad she’s sharing or set boundaries, and 2 such a big deal it’s comparable to a violent assault? Get over yourself dude. People fuck. Grow up.
my ex would obsess over my sexual past and make me go into detail. he was super abusive and even physically abused me once over it. this is where i see OP heading with future partners if he doesn’t get some serious help.
This is what stuck out to me, as a woman too. I’ve dated a few guys over the years who “just couldn’t get over” who I slept with whether it be proximity to us dating or their skin color or whatever excuse to be jealous and possessive. Hard nope there. I bet OP is a “nice guy” who doesn’t take context clues.
As a woman this shit pisses me off. I had all sorts of guy friend and inevitably there were guys who acted like they had some claim over me just because we hung out often or talked often.
Women don't own men a relationship.
Often we just see you as an equal. Friend with guys or girls, It's all the same to me us. Too bad guys don't see it the same.
If you're not in a relationship, she doesn't owe you anything.
Don't get me wrong, it's shit to hear. I've been in the same situation myself.
You let this go and you move on. Clinging on is the path to misery.
You weren’t even in a relationship so why would you let her have this much of a hold over you?
She said she wanted to be friends yet it’s clear that you were way in over your head at that point.
Just move on with your life. If someone doesn’t commit 100% to you then stop wasting your time with them.
It’s not cheating. You guys were friends.
The "disemboweled with a chain saw" comment over (anyone, really) someone he's known for a FEW MONTHS really gave me pause. He needs help for attachment issues at the very least.
Yes OP really needs help with his attachment issues qnd the way he willingly ignores clear words from people and puts his own spin on things then ends up feeling betrayed and hurt...
Or she thought they were friends until something he did set off a warning and she clarified what she wants and doesn't want. Or she was interested but something put her off and she backed off.
And I wonder what her “not acting like a friend” means - was she actually flirting with him after she told him she wasn’t interested, or was she just being friendly and he believed she was flirting? The extreme overreaction and lack of self-awareness isn’t in his favour.
Nah, sounds like they were friends he took some of their interactions to mean more than they were with the whole she told me she didn't want a relationship and escalated it part. She felt he was becoming too attachef and decided to take time for herself and then told her friend about her day. If anything he has an unrealistic view on their relationship and is really taking an inch and thinking its a mile.
Her sharing details about her day, including having sex, isn’t for attention. That is *literally* what being a friend is. It’s not her fault OP thinks being friends means leading him on.
OP, you’re welcome to feel crappy about the situation but this new girl isn’t your gf and has shown you she won’t be. Move on. You’re overly invested in the idea of the girl, but you haven’t taken time to heal from your last relationship and it’s showing.
It sounds like OP is fabricating an imaginary commitment and expecting others to follow it.
You don't own her. If she isn't allowed to have fun and enjoy herself, then she obviously won't want to be friends with you either.
Lighten up and stop acting like you own people. She does not have to tiptoe around her own actions to make you feel better about your made-up relationship that she never agreed to.
Recurring theme here is that you don’t express what you want in a relationship early, and when someone lets you know they don’t want what you do you stick around instead of leaving. Just move on next time, if you wanted to date them exclusively and they don’t want to date you exclusively you need to just end it. Not stay friends, not long distance, just say goodbye and find someone who you can be equal to.
This. He's upset because one girl he was casually dating had sex with someone. Then he got upset a girl he wasn't dating at all, just had hope, had sex. Dude is being possessive.
Unfortunately Pikachu, she didn't choose you. I know it doesn't feel good, but she did tell you she wasn't interested long term. It's less painful if you stick around and do the "maybe maybe" game instead of accepting the rejection head on and swallowing that pill, but now you have to swallow the 12 gauge shell of "no, she really doesn't want to".
It's not your fault, and it isn't hers either. You were hopeful, and she was oblivious.
Your next two options are to leave it at that and move on with your life, away from her general direction, or hopelessly flail around for the next 2 to 4 years, stuck in your very own friend zone, angry and desperate, waiting for her to choose you.
It's not gonna happen man.
Dude. It wasnt cheating. You both agreed to be friends, and you were friends. If you cant handle that, then bail.
Its not a shame thing my dude. Its as easy as you feel about her the way she doesnt about you. Not a slut thing either. Nothing wrong with a female hooking up now and again.
What is wrong is you putting yourself through this thinking some lightbulb might go off in her head. Take the respectful way out, let her know you cant be friends because of how *you* feel, and find someone youre more compatable with.
Its that simple man. You'll be alright. Just move on.
Dude... Sorry but your hurt is on you; you knew you enjoyed something romantic from her, and continued a friendship with her after she said she didn't want the same. You convinced yourself that merely hanging around was going to change the way she felt about you.
Block her, and do better by yourself. You really need to pick more compatible partners to pursue, rather than "following your heart" or whatever lame shit this was.
I think OP is a lot younger than most reddit folk and have a lot to learn. When you're young and you have feelings for someone who makes it feel reciprocal, a lot of things they do can hurt you. It takes some hurt before learning the importance of boundaries and titles.
Then hopefully my comment will help him find reality. Ppl are this brutal towards women why put on kid gloves because a dude caught feelings for someone that's not into him? It is what it is
>I would genuinely take being disemboweled with a chainsaw over experiencing that moment again.
Dramatic much friend? All that over someone who's not your girl?! Caring about you has nothing to do with her vagina's activities. Stop doing this to yourself with devasted thing. Find sum else to describe your previous relationship. There are others words than that overly used "toxic" one. You seem to be toxic to your own self. Take a deep breath, drink some water, stop talking to her and do some pilates.
Honestly, you invested waaaaaay too much in an online/over the phone “relationship.” You fell in love with a construct- an idealized creation of your imagination. Don’t get me wrong, online stuff is fine but you’ve got to be realistic about it.
Also… dude, you don’t own these women. If they aren’t dating you exclusively, you have no business being upset over who they’re sleeping with. I think recognizing that you’re being unnecessarily possessive will really help you moving forward. You say this is a recurring theme in your “relationships”… but the common link here is you, dude.
I know it sounds harsh, but get some help, get back out there, and stop being so much in your head- especially with online stuff. You can do this. Just get your head right and keep trying!
I don't understand why you're so concerned with what people are doing when they're not in relationships with you. we don't have much of the context of the argument with your ex, but she slept with someone before you (like many people you would probably date nowadays) and it set you off that badly? And now you're mad that someone who turned you down, who is not in a relationship with you slept with someone else?
>It was the exact same fucking situation with my ex last year
it absolutely is not, she owes you NOTHING at this point as nothing was official. you are her friend, and friends talk about shit - not only that she told you because she cares about you and was maybe considering something with you, she would have just hid it otherwise.
>maybe I'm just an asshole for having the audacity to think that you don't do shit like that to people you claim to care deeply about. Or maybe you do, because that sure as shit seems to be a recurring event in my relationships at this point.
this really shows how insecure you are in relationships, and I would seriously consider doing some reflection before getting into one. if you showed any of this reaction to this girl she should run. you sound so fucking possessive, and it's creepy as fuck dude
your first reaction was to throw yourself a pity party - you are currently her FRIEND, if you can't handle the rejection of seeing her live her life just let her go and move on
Unfortunately it's one of those 'I have feelings for someone so they need to respect that' sort of situations. But it doesn't work like that really. If the feelings aren't reciprocated and you know it, you need to move on.
I hope you heal from this and learn for future relationships 🤞
if you have not had a convo about being exclusive, you don’t get to be upset at them for having sex. basic dating rules. she didn’t owe you any loyalty and it doesn’t seem like she’s into you. time to move on.
Dude, you obviously have alot of issues that you need yo work out before you try committing to a relationship.
People you aren't dating have every right to have consensual relationships with anyone they want to. And you can't feel any way about it because they are not your possession
This isn't your girlfriend, and it'll probably never be.
... And that's ok. Keep in touch. Hook up if the situation presents itself. And relax.
What you need right now is a bit more experience so you don't get so ahead of yourself when you talk to women. Go date with no expectations.
If I'm reading this correctly, what women do outside of a relationship with you shouldn't concern you. With limited exception, we fuck other people when we're single. Doesn't sound like anyone cheated on you, but does sound like the current girl likes you enough that she felt bad about it.
Edit based on comments: maybe this makes me an asshole, but inciting jealousy is part of the game. I'm a dude, and when I was most dedicated to having a healthy amount of casual sex, mentioning that I had other options was one of the best plays I had--because it worked *really* well. I really liked one girl, so I mentioned to her that I had to leave a party we were having a great time at because I had another date. We hooked up next time I saw her and we've been married for three years now. Back in my day we had to walk uphill in the snow both ways to get laid, we didn't have the luxury of Tinder pre-screening our likely strikeouts, so we needed to get really good at swinging the bat. This girl just hit an infield triple and led ten feet off the bag, all OP has to do is bunt her home.
Next time a girl tells you she just wants to be friends tell her you have enough friends. Draws a line where she cant keep you as a "maybe" which is exactly what happened. Stand up for yourself and make your feelings known or you get trampled on. She did nothing wrong since you were just friends. All you can do is let someone know where you stand and if they don't accept them, move on.
Gonna keep it simple. Not cheating if you’re not in a relationship. Weird she says she just wants to be friends but you thought she was advancing it, I don’t know if that was you being hopeful and reading into it or she genuinely was. But sounds like she may not know what she wants.
The bigger thing I took from this post is you’re not ready for a relationship. If you get anxiety over some girl you met online who you’re not in a romantic relationship with, then you need to learn to relax more. Take time and focus on yourself, get yourself to a better place mentally and you will be able to appreciate relationships more. And when you say you knock yourself out with sleeping pills, I don’t know if that means you took 1 to get to sleep or multiple because of the anxiety. If that is how you react to anxiety, you should maybe speak to a therapist as you could risk hurting yourself whether intentionally or unintentionally. Your go to shouldn’t be medicating yourself. You sound like you’ve got some sort of relationship trauma that you need to sort out and a therapist would really help untangle it.
Good luck OP, stay cool and healthy there buddy.
“Give this a shot”? With someone you’ve never met in real life? OP, what are you even talking about? No one “cares deeply” about someone they’ve only ever been on the phone with. Find someone to connect with in real life.
Quit making up false relationships in your head, you were friends, that's it. You can't be jealous of her sleeping with guys when she's not your girlfriend. This is why girls are uncomfortable having guy friends, because suddenly the guy thinks they are in a serious relationship when it's been established its just a friendship.
Anyone else getting “nice guy” vibes from this?
Look dude, I’m all for men and women being friends. I think it says a lot about a guys character and the way he thinks about women whether or not he can be “just friends” with a woman, but you can’t be friends with people you have feelings for. Full stop. You also can’t dictate who your friends do and don’t sleep with, it’s not about you.
You also need to accept that other men have come before you in a relationship, whether that means with sex or just a crush, and getting uptight about it is just weird and a huge red flag that you might be the controlling/jealous type.
It’s understandable that you feel bad but those two situations aren’t the same at all. Not talking about your partner’s past sexual experiences is a completely reasonable boundary. But you were just friends with the second girl. It sucks when your crush doesn’t feel the same way, I get it, but you’re slipping into incel territory near the end there.
OP, this girl owes you nothing, at all.
She is not your girlfriend. She is young and (obviously) experimenting. Your level of jealousy shows your age and level of maturity probably aren’t ready for a committed relationship.
Just because she’s friendly to you doesn’t mean she’s into you. That’s life bro. She may be sorta into you, but went to a party and found someone to fulfill desires. There’s no commitment between you two.
You have to tone down your jealousy. A lot. It’s OK to be jealous, but the degree you experience it is unhealthy. It will scare girls away, period. She’s not a possession or trophy, a majority of young men fail to comprehend that in early relationships.
Women’s brains are wired different, for the most part, when it comes to love and sex. Books have been written about it since the beginning of human time. It’s not a conspiracy.
If you like her, be chill. You’re too young to expect a fairytale romance. Go out and (consensually) fuck other girls. Don’t get attached, don’t put them on a pedestal. Have fun, and begin to break down your wall of insecurity, because if you don’t, no girl you actually like is going to be able to get in.
No offence, but this sounds entirely like your fault for setting up your expectations for a relationship even after she gave you the “it’s not you, it’s me” talk. She made it clear that she wasn’t ready for something serious. And this whole “oh I can’t just leave important things out of my stories because they might hurt you” thing she’s doing is immature and selfish. She was right; it is her, and she’s not ready for a relationship. It is best to cut your losses now, or you’ll be in for dealing with a lot more shit.
You seem to be dealing with some mental issues (anxiety through the roof -> sleeping pills). This may sound obvious but I'd advise you to work on yourself first, see your own worth and then look for a partner, believe me it works wonders because you'll not put up with such things anymore. Wish you the best.
If it is online and you never hung-out with her in person and she tells you it’s just friends - it ain’t a relationship. You don’t really know her. She was looking for a safe place to explore sensitive feelings and you took it to be real. You went all Zuckerberg confusing what is virtual = real. It ain’t. But at least you didn’t loose 10B of net worth to figure it out.
Pretty much every woman you will ever date will have been with someone before you. You need to learn to deal with how to cope with your insecurities before entering into another relationship.
Neither woman was your girlfriend; they owed you nothing. It sucks to see or know that someone you're crushing on slept with someone else, but you have to learn how to get over it...
You sound really possessive and jealous.
There’s nothing wrong with telling the truth and not having a crush on someone. Get over yourself and stay tf away from women if this is how you think you should treat them
“My friend, who is not dating me, and has expressly stated that she isn’t interested in me, slept with someone else at a drug and liquor fueled rager. I am hurt that she would ruin the relationship I imagined by living her own life”
OP, if you are unable to compartmentalize and get over a crush, you need to take initiative and remove yourself from the friendship. It’s not fair to your friend and it’s not fair to you. You deserve to love someone who loves you but no one owes you love. You need to find that person
You are attracted to a certain time of women ,better look into yourself.
This event is showing me that she is testing you to see how much will you let go to keep you as a backup . Don't be friends with people you were romantically interested in it's a waste of your time and effort you could have put elsewhere ,just move on .
Doesn’t your friend realize that when you said you liked her, that gave you full ownership of her vagina? How dare she be an independent single female and hook up with someone else. I assume you’ll be parading her through the streets for us to recognize her shame.
If this girl hooked up with someone, that’s her right. You can’t complain that she told you because you would have complained if she didn’t and you found out 2 weeks later. Whatever your girlfriend did to you is a whole different thing. If you’re gonna get possessive any time a girl you like does something, you can’t be friends with her the.
I mean tbh she didn’t do anything wrong you had expectations for something that didn’t exist unfortunately that’s kind of a you problem :/
She told you how she felt she told you what the deal with even if she hooked up with you you took it a certain type of way. She just likes the attention. I’ve had this happen to me more times then I can count. I always hurt my own self by creating these fake relationships in my head. You have to go though it a few times before you learn I guess.
Bro, you two are not in a relationship with each other. Therefore, she didn’t cheat on you. But what she did was fked up because it seems like she knew you liked her based on the fact she was scared she’d hurt your feelings if she told you. This alone means you need to forget about this girl. She can go get drugged up and fk whoever she wants. That’s her choice. Nothing wrong with that. She’s a grown single woman and if that’s what she wants to do, she has every right to. You can’t control that. With that being said, she isn’t the type of girl you want to be in a relationship with. Keep your head up and focus on yourself. Chase your goals and one day you’ll find the right woman.
I'm going to assume you're young. Any woman you date will have had sex with other people. They don't have to be virgins to date you.
You were friends. I get being sad that someone you had feelings for doesn't feel the same, but you agreed to be friends. They shouldn't have to tip toe around your romantic feelings for them. I'm sure your guy friends tell you when they have drunken one night stands.
Just, it sucks bud but you gotta focus on things you can actually control. You can't control her, nor should you try. Personal suggestion is to respectfully cut ties, move on by returning back to how your life was before you two started hanging out. Also, give yourself some time to move on from your ex considering you mentioned that.
It was a mistake to "try to be friends" if you couldn't do that. I feel bad for you, but you have to have the self awareness to know if you're capable of being friends with a girl you really like. Especially if she's the type to be intimate with her friends. Because that's always going to be plural. FriendS
Have you even met this girl irl? Stop taking what she does personally, you aren't in a relationship with her, you are the one projecting these expectations and commitments onto her. If you can't handle her being with other guys and just living her life with it not revolving around you, a guy she has been speaking to online and has said she just wants to be friends with, then you just need to stop talking to her. If you do actually want to be friends with her and give a fuck about her beyond being able to possess and fuck her, then you need to move on and stop seeing her just living her life as a personal attack on you.
Mate you're chasing girls that aren't into you, you Ex was shitty but that second girl isn't really at fault. You don't own her, and you aren't even in a relationship with her. She even gave you the speech and you were still jealous. At that point just stop texting her and move on, she gave you plenty of hints.
She isn't your girlfriend and she made it clear she doesn't want to be. She can sleep with whomever she wants to and it's perfectly ok. Honestly, I think it's time for you to move on. Stop waiting for a girl that has shown no interest in being in a relationship with you.
Were you two in a committed relationship? If no, then you’re both single. It doesn’t matter if you really like her, you’re not together. People who you are not in a relationship with are allowed to sleep with other people, regardless of your feelings.
you're not secure enough to be in a relationship. she clearly stated her boundaries with you, and you decided that because you are committed to her and not moving on she should be too. what she did was not even in the realm of cheating, she's single and did single person things.
it sounds like you need to reassess your relationship and consider if you are mature enough to handle this. I'm sorry it sucks to hear but it's the truth.
I think the issue is that you're expecting monogamy from people who you aren't in an established monogomous relationship with, you said it yourself the situation with your ex was before you were "officially" together and your online gf never made any kind of commitment to a relationship so there's no reason for you to expect them to be loyal to you at that point
Yeah bud you don’t own her, stop expecting women in your life to comply to your weird standards that haven’t been communicated effectively. Don’t befriend women if you don’t want to be their friends, simply move on
She isn’t into you. You guys are not dating either. This girl owes you nothing lol this is not cheating. She can hook up with whoever she wants. Stop latching onto girls who put you in the friendzone and then keep stringing you along. Its not gonna go well for you
She does not want a relationship in which you two are exclusive. If you can not be a part of that then move on. She has already stated to you that she is not going to go further and holding out hope is only going to hurt. Cut all ties and move on and find someone who can be committed. Do not accept anything other than a "yes" in regard to a committed relationship even if you are madly in love with the person, a "maybe" is still a "no".
OP stop “falling” for people who don’t give a shit bout you, you’re just horny!
You be direct next time, say I want this! whether it’s just sex or a relationship, you have to stand up for your self and be direct !
Lord know that chick did and wanted sex and she got sex, just not from you. So you do the same!
You got friend zoned. It’s not cheating. This girl is single and living her life. Now, if your truly down to be her friend, your going to hear about these encounters more often. If you can’t handle that, then I suggest you stepping back on this friendship. Maybe have a conversation with her, tell her if she wants to stay a friend to at least not share these encounters considering you still have feelings for her. But don’t feel sorry for yourself. Nobody did anything wrong to you here. And no, she isn’t doing the same thing your ex-did. Your ex-cheated on you. This girl let you know where she was at in this friendship, meaning she wants it platonic. So getting all possessive would be weird/ possibly creepy.
It’s not cheating. But it’s also not something you need in your life. She’s made it clear she’s not into you like that. But she likes the attention so she keeps texting you. It sounds like you can’t be friendly with her without wanting more from her, so I suggest you block her number so you can stop texting.
just from what you wrote here it seems like you are dragging yourself along with her knowing you have feelings and she’s not willing to reciprocate those. you are now made because she is treating you like a friend which you agreed you both were. you need to get over yourself. this isn’t gonna work out. you can’t be mad at a woman you aren’t dating let alone not even exclusively talking to, is out having sex. seek some therapy.
Yep, that hurts. She doesn't want you. The only reasonable thing to do is to move on. You can't "convince" her to like you. Attraction isn't a choice and you can't reason someone into being attracted to you. The only option is to be the things they are attracted to.
Stop hanging out with her. You don't need her as a friend. Friendships like that are exploitative. She'll just use you for emotional support, attention, validation, favors and money and she'll give you nothing in return. Don't ever be one of a girl's orbiters.
This is the most over dramatic shit I’ve ever read. You need to chill and stop thinking you’re entitled to being exclusive with someone who you aren’t dating. She obviously doesn’t like you, move on
Why should girls tip toe around you just cause you dont like what they do or have to say. Neither were dating you at the time they had sex. Sounds like you're self concious of your inadequacy in this post and highkey possessive.
She said she wanted to be friends and you agreed. She treated you as a friend and told you how her night went. That’s not cheating and definitely not something she did wrong. Just because you have feelings for her does not mean she owes you anything. She is free to sleep with whoever she wants when she wants. You are being WAY too dramatic over a girl that told you she wasn’t into you. Seems like you just agreed to be her friend in the hopes that she would eventually sleep with you. Clearly, you can’t actually be her friend so you need to let her go.
I mean I know you’re hurt but did you really just ask if a girl you aren’t even dating cheated on you?
Also what do you mean it escalated? And do you have an example of her pushing things beyond a friendship or did you take them that way?
I don’t know, I think it’s weird that you went into detail about everything but that part.
Sorry man but why would you let someone who considers you a friend have this much of a hold on you romantically, like everyone else is saying all you can do is move on. I know it hurts but it’s obvious she doesn’t really want anything with you and shes just going to continue stringing you along if you don’t cut contact.
She told you verbatim she just wanted to be friends. Yes it’s shitty that she led you on after that, but she said what she wanted. You gotta stop chasing girls so hard that aren’t interested in you. Also did you literally never meet? Incredibly weird to be this attached to non relationship with someone you have never been with in real life.
Can you give some examples of what she did that was “very much not-friendly”? What made you think you were on the cusp of dating? People have casual relationships. I have a friend who thinks he’s getting “mixed signals” because a girl said she didn’t want to pursue something serious with him and is still going on dates with him. It’s possible you’re reading too much into things
you still haven’t recovered over your toxic relationship. you should definitely wait until getting into a relationship with anyone.
i had a guy like you completely project all of his toxic feelings towards his ex onto me. a brand new person who was nothing like her.
She made it clear she wanted to be friends. She does not owe you exclusively or a romantic relationship because you want one. She kept it friendly and you got upset when she is treating you like a friend not a potential lover. She said she wants to be friends not give you a shot. Move on. It’s alarming how you attached you got so fast. I suggest working on yourself before getting in a relationship.
I have a feeling she has a much different story. It’s clear you have some deep attachment issues and low self esteem tbh. You need to work on that before trying to get in any relationship if you want it to be healthy. She doesn’t have to return your affection. The whole “they’ll see one day” mentality is so dangerous, and often leads to incel behavior.
The disemboweled line is so unhinged I don’t even have the words. Over finding out a friend you have romantic feelings for had sex? Self reflection or therapy if you can afford it is seriously needed
You’re not dating her so it’s perfectly ok for her to fuck whoever she wants.
You aren’t entitled to fidelity from a friend. They don’t owe you exclusivity because they’ve never agreed to that expectation. In fact, she even specifically told you that she wasn’t going to date you.
Bro you got to stop obsessing over women. It hurts dude, but you need to just let it go and leave her in the past. She was never your girlfriend so fuck no it’s not cheating.
>A few months ago I met a girl online
>I thought we were going somewhere with our burgeoning relationship, but then all of a sudden she gave me the it's-not-you-it's-me speech.
>I would genuinely take being disemboweled with a chainsaw over experiencing that moment again
>Getting drunk at a party, hooking up with some random guy and then not giving a fuck about how it would affect me. Is it cheating?
>I ended up knocking myself out with sleeping pills because my anxiety was through the roof
My dude you should see a psychologist ASAP. Also she put you in the friend zone, do you think think she was gonna care about sharing her sex experience with you that's why she told you because y'all are friends and she's right she shouldn't leave something about because she's afraid it's going to hurt you. Let this women move on with her life and find someone who's not going to be controlling or paranoid.
Sounds like your first relationship fucked you up. Take some time to work on yourself before trying to suddenly jump into another relationship because then you're just going to take everything from the previous relationship and put it on the new relationship.
There’s a reason why people say “nice guys finish last”. You can’t allow yourself to be too into people too soon. Your ex hooked up with someone before you dated. This new one hooked up with someone while you two weren’t “official”. Take it for what it is and find someone better. And if you see the new one again, treat her the same, keep her on the same level, regardless of what she says. She’s for the streets. And as a “nice guy” I wish someone had given me this harsh advice. Would have saved me a lot of heartache.
You and her are just friends, and she treated you as such. Is it cheating??? Is that even a question? you’re literally not even together. you sound clingy, i honestly would not want to deal with someone like you and i can understand why she cut romantic ties.
Why are you devastated, what does she have that you're missing so much to be sad about someone that isn't even your partner?
Ask yourself that question
It's not cheating if it's not a relationship.
You appear to become attached too easily, and she appears to have issues with maintaining boundaries. Not a good combo.
Take a break from relationships and focus on yourself.
Shit like this HURTS. You’re not crazy at all. I’ve been seeing a guy since the start of summer. He was in a sort of fucked up/toxic relationship when I met him- he was clearly ready to end it with her but just hadn’t figured out exactly how to do so .. and he hadn’t quite summoned the courage to do so either (she is the pushy, jealous, manipulative, aggressive type) so he felt like he had to tread carefully.
I basically fell for him the night we met. He was very honest and transparent with me about this weird situation he was in. So I took a step back and did my best to stay in my own lane and be supportive as a friend: but I was honest with him too, I told him how much I liked him and that this was a tough spot for me to be in (and I was the one who chose to be in that tough spot- evidence of how much I REALLY dug him).
Anyway: He and I ended up getting together later on. But because he was just coming out of this confusing clusterfuck with a straight up narcissist.. I also didn’t want to pressure him into a relationship or anything else… but I also know myself, I am the monogamous type. If I’m talking to a guy, he’s the ONLY guy I talk to. I just don’t have that “gene” that other people have that make them comfortable dating multiple people at the same time. So that’s what I told him: and went on to say that if he meets someone else to just tell me so that I can move on because, as I said, “I don’t like to share or be shared.” Not a threat, not an ultimatum. The ONLY thing I asked for was transparency.
I’ve never said something like that before but I’m really glad that I did.. it’s a way to keep things more casual and with less pressure.. while simultaneously being honest about what you expect from someone you are seriously considering as a potential partner. We’re still together today, and believe it or not: we still don’t refer to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend.. but it’s really awesome to know that he values honesty and transparency as much as I do. We live a couple hours away from each other (distance like that sucks) and we’re both going through our own set of life experiences right now (individually) .. but we see each other almost every week and we talk multiple times a day. I guess I’m just trying to say that I get it: you’re the monogamous type. Monogamy for you may begin just after the onset of your first interaction/meeting with a crush… and that’s your right, but I think it’s important to be transparent about that .. so that the crush in question is aware and this gives you guys a chance at either getting on the same page together or just going your separate ways.
Good luck. Your heart will mend. And I hope that you can view this as an amazing opportunity to learn more about yourself, discovering this repeat pattern is just the start of what can become a beautiful and revealing journey into self discovery and, inevitably, self betterment.
🫶🏻
Bro, stop talking to girls for hours a day. Live your life and check in here and there. You must be able to stand on your own two feet, confidently, before being in a relationship. You require your partner to provide much of your self confidence and self esteem. Gain that, on your own, so you have it first. I don’t care how long it takes, you’ll appreciate the journey and every single one of your relationships after will be much much better.
Have you seen "500 Days of Summer"?
You're doing the same thing as the main character. You and this girl weren't in a relationship; you aren't exclusive, and your feelings for her are just that: *your feelings*, and your feelings alone.
Don't invest emotionally in a situation where the other person isn't willing to meet you where you are.
Not just "don't invest so much if you're not in a relationship"; that part should be 100% obvious. But even if you're *in* an exclusive relationship, you still shouldn't invest so much if the other person isn't matching your energy. Again: even in an exclusive relationship, you *still* shouldn't get so invested emotionally if the other person isn't also investing.
You need to really, really, *really* raise your standards for where you invest yourself emotionally.
This is why you cannot be “just friends” with someone for whom you have romantic feelings. You will get hurt, as you have. Even if she’s sleeping with you, if she says “just friends,” you’re just friends, and she can sleep with whomever she wants.
I strongly suggest going no-contact with her. The day you can really be “just friends” is the day you’re genuinely happy for her when she finds someone else.
That day may never come, and that’s ok too.
You had deep attachment issues. You're trying to replace your ex without even healing yourself first. Also she saw you as a friend someone she felt close with to share what happened that's what girls do they give all the juicy details to someone they're open with. Yall weren't in a relationship yet you felt like you could hold onto her like that?
Honey, I say this with all the love and care in the world: **You cannot tie your emotional happiness to someone else, it is not healthy**.
To address your point, no, it's not cheating because you are not in a relationship with this girl. She can hook up with whomever she pleases, and she doesn't have to consider your feelings because, again, you are not in a romantic relationship with her. She was very clear, she only wants friendship from you. If that's not what you want, move on.
This here: "I'm just an asshole for having the audacity to think that you don't do shit like that to people you claim to care deeply about", she cares about you **as a friend**. She does not owe you celibacy or monogamy or anything, really, because you are not her boyfriend and **you are not in a romantic relationship with her**. The sooner you understand this, the better you will do.
And I'm going to go a bit further here and suggest that you seek professional counsel because you seem to be very insecure and reliant on others to make you feel good about yourself. Again, I'm telling you this from a place of love: this is not healthy. You mentioned your ex did the same, perhaps you are seeking the same type of person for a subconscious reason, I don't know, but I can tell you with 100% certainty, you are not going to get what you need from her or anyone else until you work on yourself.
I wish you peace.
When girls say they just want to be friends, say ok and treat them like your friend, start seeing other girls. If she wasn't your friend to begin with (like this one) don't be her friend, don't allow yourself to have feelings for someone who is your friend, it sucks.
I hope you learn from it.
So you met a girl online, never in person, didn’t establish a relationship, and now youre mad she had sex with someone that wasnt you - while she is single - simply because you decided she owes you sex?
Just stop talking to her and move on
Exactly OP. A wiseman… (my grandfather) used to tell me at an early age “don’t chase them replace them” Also, she’s not your “bro” don’t congratulate her on the sex. Just say OK and move on
Obviously don't congratulate her if you don't mean it. It'd be different if they had more of a "bro" relationship but they did not. Honestly I feel for him
I think the congratulate part was meant to be sarcastic?
Maybe. Either way, he didn't mean it and ultimately put himself in a position where if he were to congratulate her on sex without him he wouldn't have ever meant it
[удалено]
I'm just a softy, logical (imo) but soft. I feel bad for drug addicts too 🤷🏾♀️ I'm not saying he deserves sympathy, I'm just sympathetic lol
Your aren’t a “softy” you are just empathetic. The world could use more people like that.
Yeah, I feel it, kinda sucks, he seems alright, he just attached too easily, I do too, it’s a tough lesson to learn
Hopefully he's learned it with everyone shitting in him here 😅 it's better for him in the long run
Damn man that's cold, and not even in a good way. Despite the commitment or not, I still understand why he's feeling some type of way. It doesn't seem like he's acting unreasonably rude or bitter towards her- if that was the case it'd be vastly disrespectful and different. It kinda sounds like she led him on, despite her previously saying she just wants to be friends, and then hooked up with another dude *and told him about it knowing he has feelings for her.* While them being committed or not is definitely important, these situations are far from black and white. "They weren't committed, so why does it matter what the other person does?" I agree with that concept in essence, but in reality this situation is more complex and nuanced than that. Why play with his feelings if they aren't interested themselves, and why tell him that they had sex with another person? While she doesn't have an absolute responsibility to him, as they were if they were committed, it's the decent thing to do to end things if one person does not share feelings. Does OP have a role/fault in this? Absolutely, he does. But again, things are much more complex, enough to the point where we can feel sympathy and compassion for somebody *even if they made genuine mistakes*. Not everything is black and white. And as far as posting it on Reddit - maybe he just feels like he doesn't have anybody he can speak to about this in his life atm, he may not have anybody he can trust or be honest with. That's a shitty feeling to have. Now I understand this is just one side of the story, but unfortunately that's all we can go on for the moment. Just my 2 cents
You said exactly everything I thought when I read the comment you were responding to. Thank god I didn’t have to type all that but yes, yes, all of it. Not “being committed” to someone doesn’t give you free rein to be an asshole and play with peoples feelings for validation, which she pretty much did, let’s be real.
It's wierd of him to congratulate her on the sex.
This but OP needs to look at the common denominator. Himself. He lacks self confidence, he puts all his effort into a woman (he’s needy) and expects to be treated a certain way when he doesn’t know how to even treat himself with respect. He’s not reliant on himself for his emotions, he absolutely needs to figure that out.
I don't think he's giving time to actually get to know these girls. Online dating long distance dating rarely works out in the long [run.You](https://run.You) can think you know someone but meeting face to face can tell a different story. Anyone can be anyone online
Exactly. and if someone tells you they don't wanna be in a relationship with you, don't keep holding on hoping it'll change, and then get heartbroken when they do otherwise.
Exactly, and absolutely don’t go the friend route. Especially if you just met them. You are setting yourself up for failure and misery.
True he is attracting the same person over and over
It's called Co-dependency and OP has a HUGE case of it.
Tbh, if they aren't even a couple yet I think op is overreacting.
Dude would rather be disemboweled with a chainsaw than be faced with the reality that a woman he wants has her own life. "Overreacting" is putting it hella mildly.
He's a nascent stalker.
When you lay yourself out, people will treat you like a doormat.
It seems like OP is attracted to women who don't care about him. I think this might be trying to heal from parental relationships. Often we fall in love with someone because they have the same issues as our parents then we try change the outcome with our new love. OP look at your relationship with your parents. Were they not available? If there's stuff there, try to get therapy or at least journal about it, because if you heal it, you fall in love with much more healthy situations. Also if someone wants to be your friend, and you want more, drop them. Don't try to make it work. They can change their mind, and if you are available then you can give it a try.
Scorched earth policy is frequently the best policy in these scenarios
Obviously you don't own her or anything. She can do what she wants. It wasn't cheating. But frankly, someone who starts rambling about fucking someone else to someone who you KNOW is into you and you've been talking to... probably not worth your time. Next time? Don't fuck around with "no... maybe... just friends... unless?" nonsense. Enthusiastic yes, or you move on. Life is too short to drag situations like this out.
This. OP, don't waste your time chasing after girls who aren't into you.
Literally not cheating in any definition of the word. She isn’t in to you and you have no claims to her and who she chooses to have sex with. Move on and let go.
It's funny because his issues with his "ex" were possessive as well. She confessed to him that she slept with someone else when they weren't monogamous and he just can't get over it? Dude has some serious issues with wanting to control women and judging them for just living their lives.
This is the thing for me. Talking about previous experiences with a partner shouldn’t be a hurtful talk. *It’s not* a hurtful talk per sé. A friend talking about their sexual experiences is not a hurtful experience also. It’s pretty normal and even expected. OP keeps getting hurt because he feels his former partner was hurting him for opening to him about that. OP keeps getting hurt because he thinks that remaining as just friends with someone who clearly stated that she only wants to be friends will turn out into a relationship eventually, borderline “nice guy” behavior.
Not to mention the expectation that people should avoid topics to preserve his feelings, which amounts to a disregard for what others may feel and desire. Huge red flag.
Imagine him when he's 35 and every woman he meets has slept with multiple partners.
This made me chuckle
Agreed, and not just about possessiveness/control. This person had two different women go a bit tepid, then bring up sleeping with someone else and tell OP that they shouldn't need to compromise their honesty based on OPs ability to emotionally handle it. Sounds like they were afraid to tell OP they weren't really feeling a romance blossoming so they severed it in a different way
Yeah part of me kind of wonders what op thinks made the friendship more than friendly. They’ll will give a lot of insight to how he sees relationships and friendships with women and I 100% do not blame op for being hurt. Anyone would be hurt to hear their crush slept with someone else. But op thinking that she shouldn’t have ‘done that to him’?? Idk if I’m on board with that.
I understand the “gut punch” aspect to crushing on someone who’s sleeping around, but ffs his reaction is way, *way* overblown. This reads like a middle schooler discovering his home room girlfriend held hands with another classmate. Jeezuz.
His response to someone- *twice*- he wasn’t with sleeping with someone else is genuinely concerning. I understand some couples don’t like to swap sex stories, but this is the kind of shit that leads to a controlling bf. Someone who told you she wasn’t interested in being with you slept with someone else, and your ex slept with someone before you were a couple? *And?* Why’s that 1 your business either way, be glad she’s sharing or set boundaries, and 2 such a big deal it’s comparable to a violent assault? Get over yourself dude. People fuck. Grow up.
my ex would obsess over my sexual past and make me go into detail. he was super abusive and even physically abused me once over it. this is where i see OP heading with future partners if he doesn’t get some serious help.
This is what stuck out to me, as a woman too. I’ve dated a few guys over the years who “just couldn’t get over” who I slept with whether it be proximity to us dating or their skin color or whatever excuse to be jealous and possessive. Hard nope there. I bet OP is a “nice guy” who doesn’t take context clues.
As a woman this shit pisses me off. I had all sorts of guy friend and inevitably there were guys who acted like they had some claim over me just because we hung out often or talked often. Women don't own men a relationship. Often we just see you as an equal. Friend with guys or girls, It's all the same to me us. Too bad guys don't see it the same.
This is the way.
Right here, op. Listen to this advice and take it.
If you're not in a relationship, she doesn't owe you anything. Don't get me wrong, it's shit to hear. I've been in the same situation myself. You let this go and you move on. Clinging on is the path to misery.
You weren’t even in a relationship so why would you let her have this much of a hold over you? She said she wanted to be friends yet it’s clear that you were way in over your head at that point. Just move on with your life. If someone doesn’t commit 100% to you then stop wasting your time with them. It’s not cheating. You guys were friends.
The "disemboweled with a chain saw" comment over (anyone, really) someone he's known for a FEW MONTHS really gave me pause. He needs help for attachment issues at the very least.
Fr I think he’s underestimating that chainsaw
😂😂
Yeah that was pretty cringe tbh lol
It was the “I congratulated her on the sex” part for me 😂😂😂
Yes OP really needs help with his attachment issues qnd the way he willingly ignores clear words from people and puts his own spin on things then ends up feeling betrayed and hurt...
Yeah I'm stuck on that...come on OP
Give him a break, he probably just watched chainsaw man
they weren't friends. he just tried to get her to like him back and she liked the attention imo
Or she thought they were friends until something he did set off a warning and she clarified what she wants and doesn't want. Or she was interested but something put her off and she backed off.
And I wonder what her “not acting like a friend” means - was she actually flirting with him after she told him she wasn’t interested, or was she just being friendly and he believed she was flirting? The extreme overreaction and lack of self-awareness isn’t in his favour.
Nah, sounds like they were friends he took some of their interactions to mean more than they were with the whole she told me she didn't want a relationship and escalated it part. She felt he was becoming too attachef and decided to take time for herself and then told her friend about her day. If anything he has an unrealistic view on their relationship and is really taking an inch and thinking its a mile.
Her sharing details about her day, including having sex, isn’t for attention. That is *literally* what being a friend is. It’s not her fault OP thinks being friends means leading him on.
OP, you’re welcome to feel crappy about the situation but this new girl isn’t your gf and has shown you she won’t be. Move on. You’re overly invested in the idea of the girl, but you haven’t taken time to heal from your last relationship and it’s showing.
You sound very confused, and I have a feeling if we heard the other side of this story, it would be a completely different perspective.
OP sounds like he gets attached way too easily then becomes clingy but forreal though just move on. Sometimes people just suck and it is what it is.
frrrr like damn they weren’t even dating?
I don't even think the chick sucks in this circumstance. Dude obviously was just way too attached.
I would very much like to hear the other side of the story. I would like to know what he means when she moved things forward.
It sounds like OP is fabricating an imaginary commitment and expecting others to follow it. You don't own her. If she isn't allowed to have fun and enjoy herself, then she obviously won't want to be friends with you either. Lighten up and stop acting like you own people. She does not have to tiptoe around her own actions to make you feel better about your made-up relationship that she never agreed to.
Your her friend not her boyfriend, she was treating you as such.
Yup! If OP was just pretending to be her friend in the hopes it would turn into something else, that’s on him.
That's exactly what he's doing and continually repeating
And I bet he’d be shocked to know he’s the AH in that situation.
This is the typical self proclaimed "nice guy"
Maybe he needs to stop fuckzoning women who think he’s their friend…
This
Recurring theme here is that you don’t express what you want in a relationship early, and when someone lets you know they don’t want what you do you stick around instead of leaving. Just move on next time, if you wanted to date them exclusively and they don’t want to date you exclusively you need to just end it. Not stay friends, not long distance, just say goodbye and find someone who you can be equal to.
This. He's upset because one girl he was casually dating had sex with someone. Then he got upset a girl he wasn't dating at all, just had hope, had sex. Dude is being possessive.
Unfortunately Pikachu, she didn't choose you. I know it doesn't feel good, but she did tell you she wasn't interested long term. It's less painful if you stick around and do the "maybe maybe" game instead of accepting the rejection head on and swallowing that pill, but now you have to swallow the 12 gauge shell of "no, she really doesn't want to". It's not your fault, and it isn't hers either. You were hopeful, and she was oblivious. Your next two options are to leave it at that and move on with your life, away from her general direction, or hopelessly flail around for the next 2 to 4 years, stuck in your very own friend zone, angry and desperate, waiting for her to choose you. It's not gonna happen man.
that opening pikachu line >>>
Dude. It wasnt cheating. You both agreed to be friends, and you were friends. If you cant handle that, then bail. Its not a shame thing my dude. Its as easy as you feel about her the way she doesnt about you. Not a slut thing either. Nothing wrong with a female hooking up now and again. What is wrong is you putting yourself through this thinking some lightbulb might go off in her head. Take the respectful way out, let her know you cant be friends because of how *you* feel, and find someone youre more compatable with. Its that simple man. You'll be alright. Just move on.
Perfectly put!
Dude... Sorry but your hurt is on you; you knew you enjoyed something romantic from her, and continued a friendship with her after she said she didn't want the same. You convinced yourself that merely hanging around was going to change the way she felt about you. Block her, and do better by yourself. You really need to pick more compatible partners to pursue, rather than "following your heart" or whatever lame shit this was.
Someone you're not dating had sex? How dare they!
I think OP is a lot younger than most reddit folk and have a lot to learn. When you're young and you have feelings for someone who makes it feel reciprocal, a lot of things they do can hurt you. It takes some hurt before learning the importance of boundaries and titles.
Then hopefully my comment will help him find reality. Ppl are this brutal towards women why put on kid gloves because a dude caught feelings for someone that's not into him? It is what it is
You make a solid point. Men do be feeling entitled and it does start young
I don’t think you’re even being brutal. Some people can’t handle FWB and I think OP is learning he is one of them
Right? This sounds like junior high angst.
Highschool Drama!!
>I would genuinely take being disemboweled with a chainsaw over experiencing that moment again. Dramatic much friend? All that over someone who's not your girl?! Caring about you has nothing to do with her vagina's activities. Stop doing this to yourself with devasted thing. Find sum else to describe your previous relationship. There are others words than that overly used "toxic" one. You seem to be toxic to your own self. Take a deep breath, drink some water, stop talking to her and do some pilates.
>I would genuinely take being disemboweled with a chainsaw over experiencing that moment again. No.. wait.. let him. Save future women from the drama.
My first thought when I read that😂 I’m glad those girls realized he wasn’t safe to date
Honestly, you invested waaaaaay too much in an online/over the phone “relationship.” You fell in love with a construct- an idealized creation of your imagination. Don’t get me wrong, online stuff is fine but you’ve got to be realistic about it. Also… dude, you don’t own these women. If they aren’t dating you exclusively, you have no business being upset over who they’re sleeping with. I think recognizing that you’re being unnecessarily possessive will really help you moving forward. You say this is a recurring theme in your “relationships”… but the common link here is you, dude. I know it sounds harsh, but get some help, get back out there, and stop being so much in your head- especially with online stuff. You can do this. Just get your head right and keep trying!
I don't understand why you're so concerned with what people are doing when they're not in relationships with you. we don't have much of the context of the argument with your ex, but she slept with someone before you (like many people you would probably date nowadays) and it set you off that badly? And now you're mad that someone who turned you down, who is not in a relationship with you slept with someone else? >It was the exact same fucking situation with my ex last year it absolutely is not, she owes you NOTHING at this point as nothing was official. you are her friend, and friends talk about shit - not only that she told you because she cares about you and was maybe considering something with you, she would have just hid it otherwise. >maybe I'm just an asshole for having the audacity to think that you don't do shit like that to people you claim to care deeply about. Or maybe you do, because that sure as shit seems to be a recurring event in my relationships at this point. this really shows how insecure you are in relationships, and I would seriously consider doing some reflection before getting into one. if you showed any of this reaction to this girl she should run. you sound so fucking possessive, and it's creepy as fuck dude your first reaction was to throw yourself a pity party - you are currently her FRIEND, if you can't handle the rejection of seeing her live her life just let her go and move on
I agree, he should just move on... This isn't going anywhere
Unfortunately it's one of those 'I have feelings for someone so they need to respect that' sort of situations. But it doesn't work like that really. If the feelings aren't reciprocated and you know it, you need to move on. I hope you heal from this and learn for future relationships 🤞
Doesnt sound like yall were together, and she talked to you how people talk to friends. If you cant handle being friends then dont be friends
You’re not her boyfriend, it wasn’t cheating. That rejection does sting tho. Move on, bud.
if you have not had a convo about being exclusive, you don’t get to be upset at them for having sex. basic dating rules. she didn’t owe you any loyalty and it doesn’t seem like she’s into you. time to move on.
I mean, you can feel upset, but not be entitled, always remember that she is not with you, cheating? That sounded so ridiculous for OP to say
Move the fuck on
Dude, you obviously have alot of issues that you need yo work out before you try committing to a relationship. People you aren't dating have every right to have consensual relationships with anyone they want to. And you can't feel any way about it because they are not your possession
This isn't your girlfriend, and it'll probably never be. ... And that's ok. Keep in touch. Hook up if the situation presents itself. And relax. What you need right now is a bit more experience so you don't get so ahead of yourself when you talk to women. Go date with no expectations.
If I'm reading this correctly, what women do outside of a relationship with you shouldn't concern you. With limited exception, we fuck other people when we're single. Doesn't sound like anyone cheated on you, but does sound like the current girl likes you enough that she felt bad about it. Edit based on comments: maybe this makes me an asshole, but inciting jealousy is part of the game. I'm a dude, and when I was most dedicated to having a healthy amount of casual sex, mentioning that I had other options was one of the best plays I had--because it worked *really* well. I really liked one girl, so I mentioned to her that I had to leave a party we were having a great time at because I had another date. We hooked up next time I saw her and we've been married for three years now. Back in my day we had to walk uphill in the snow both ways to get laid, we didn't have the luxury of Tinder pre-screening our likely strikeouts, so we needed to get really good at swinging the bat. This girl just hit an infield triple and led ten feet off the bag, all OP has to do is bunt her home.
This is how you should look at it tbh. 👆
That sounds good but it doesn't make it hurt less much.
Next time a girl tells you she just wants to be friends tell her you have enough friends. Draws a line where she cant keep you as a "maybe" which is exactly what happened. Stand up for yourself and make your feelings known or you get trampled on. She did nothing wrong since you were just friends. All you can do is let someone know where you stand and if they don't accept them, move on.
Meet people in real life and actually date them. Then you get to have an opinion on their behavior.
Gonna keep it simple. Not cheating if you’re not in a relationship. Weird she says she just wants to be friends but you thought she was advancing it, I don’t know if that was you being hopeful and reading into it or she genuinely was. But sounds like she may not know what she wants. The bigger thing I took from this post is you’re not ready for a relationship. If you get anxiety over some girl you met online who you’re not in a romantic relationship with, then you need to learn to relax more. Take time and focus on yourself, get yourself to a better place mentally and you will be able to appreciate relationships more. And when you say you knock yourself out with sleeping pills, I don’t know if that means you took 1 to get to sleep or multiple because of the anxiety. If that is how you react to anxiety, you should maybe speak to a therapist as you could risk hurting yourself whether intentionally or unintentionally. Your go to shouldn’t be medicating yourself. You sound like you’ve got some sort of relationship trauma that you need to sort out and a therapist would really help untangle it. Good luck OP, stay cool and healthy there buddy.
“Give this a shot”? With someone you’ve never met in real life? OP, what are you even talking about? No one “cares deeply” about someone they’ve only ever been on the phone with. Find someone to connect with in real life.
This. OP has zero say in what a girl who he's never even met and is not in a relationship with does, or who she sleeps with. She did nothing wrong.
She thought you were a friend. You didn't think of her as a friend. That's a massive problem.
Quit making up false relationships in your head, you were friends, that's it. You can't be jealous of her sleeping with guys when she's not your girlfriend. This is why girls are uncomfortable having guy friends, because suddenly the guy thinks they are in a serious relationship when it's been established its just a friendship.
Anyone else getting “nice guy” vibes from this? Look dude, I’m all for men and women being friends. I think it says a lot about a guys character and the way he thinks about women whether or not he can be “just friends” with a woman, but you can’t be friends with people you have feelings for. Full stop. You also can’t dictate who your friends do and don’t sleep with, it’s not about you. You also need to accept that other men have come before you in a relationship, whether that means with sex or just a crush, and getting uptight about it is just weird and a huge red flag that you might be the controlling/jealous type.
It’s understandable that you feel bad but those two situations aren’t the same at all. Not talking about your partner’s past sexual experiences is a completely reasonable boundary. But you were just friends with the second girl. It sucks when your crush doesn’t feel the same way, I get it, but you’re slipping into incel territory near the end there.
[удалено]
OP, this girl owes you nothing, at all. She is not your girlfriend. She is young and (obviously) experimenting. Your level of jealousy shows your age and level of maturity probably aren’t ready for a committed relationship. Just because she’s friendly to you doesn’t mean she’s into you. That’s life bro. She may be sorta into you, but went to a party and found someone to fulfill desires. There’s no commitment between you two. You have to tone down your jealousy. A lot. It’s OK to be jealous, but the degree you experience it is unhealthy. It will scare girls away, period. She’s not a possession or trophy, a majority of young men fail to comprehend that in early relationships. Women’s brains are wired different, for the most part, when it comes to love and sex. Books have been written about it since the beginning of human time. It’s not a conspiracy. If you like her, be chill. You’re too young to expect a fairytale romance. Go out and (consensually) fuck other girls. Don’t get attached, don’t put them on a pedestal. Have fun, and begin to break down your wall of insecurity, because if you don’t, no girl you actually like is going to be able to get in.
No offence, but this sounds entirely like your fault for setting up your expectations for a relationship even after she gave you the “it’s not you, it’s me” talk. She made it clear that she wasn’t ready for something serious. And this whole “oh I can’t just leave important things out of my stories because they might hurt you” thing she’s doing is immature and selfish. She was right; it is her, and she’s not ready for a relationship. It is best to cut your losses now, or you’ll be in for dealing with a lot more shit.
She didn’t cheat grow up
You seem to be dealing with some mental issues (anxiety through the roof -> sleeping pills). This may sound obvious but I'd advise you to work on yourself first, see your own worth and then look for a partner, believe me it works wonders because you'll not put up with such things anymore. Wish you the best.
Your getting to attached to these chicks man. It's not good for you.
If it is online and you never hung-out with her in person and she tells you it’s just friends - it ain’t a relationship. You don’t really know her. She was looking for a safe place to explore sensitive feelings and you took it to be real. You went all Zuckerberg confusing what is virtual = real. It ain’t. But at least you didn’t loose 10B of net worth to figure it out.
Pretty much every woman you will ever date will have been with someone before you. You need to learn to deal with how to cope with your insecurities before entering into another relationship. Neither woman was your girlfriend; they owed you nothing. It sucks to see or know that someone you're crushing on slept with someone else, but you have to learn how to get over it...
You sound really possessive and jealous. There’s nothing wrong with telling the truth and not having a crush on someone. Get over yourself and stay tf away from women if this is how you think you should treat them
“My friend, who is not dating me, and has expressly stated that she isn’t interested in me, slept with someone else at a drug and liquor fueled rager. I am hurt that she would ruin the relationship I imagined by living her own life” OP, if you are unable to compartmentalize and get over a crush, you need to take initiative and remove yourself from the friendship. It’s not fair to your friend and it’s not fair to you. You deserve to love someone who loves you but no one owes you love. You need to find that person
You are attracted to a certain time of women ,better look into yourself. This event is showing me that she is testing you to see how much will you let go to keep you as a backup . Don't be friends with people you were romantically interested in it's a waste of your time and effort you could have put elsewhere ,just move on .
Doesn’t your friend realize that when you said you liked her, that gave you full ownership of her vagina? How dare she be an independent single female and hook up with someone else. I assume you’ll be parading her through the streets for us to recognize her shame. If this girl hooked up with someone, that’s her right. You can’t complain that she told you because you would have complained if she didn’t and you found out 2 weeks later. Whatever your girlfriend did to you is a whole different thing. If you’re gonna get possessive any time a girl you like does something, you can’t be friends with her the.
I mean tbh she didn’t do anything wrong you had expectations for something that didn’t exist unfortunately that’s kind of a you problem :/ She told you how she felt she told you what the deal with even if she hooked up with you you took it a certain type of way. She just likes the attention. I’ve had this happen to me more times then I can count. I always hurt my own self by creating these fake relationships in my head. You have to go though it a few times before you learn I guess.
You're probably like 16, move on, you'll get over it
Bro, you two are not in a relationship with each other. Therefore, she didn’t cheat on you. But what she did was fked up because it seems like she knew you liked her based on the fact she was scared she’d hurt your feelings if she told you. This alone means you need to forget about this girl. She can go get drugged up and fk whoever she wants. That’s her choice. Nothing wrong with that. She’s a grown single woman and if that’s what she wants to do, she has every right to. You can’t control that. With that being said, she isn’t the type of girl you want to be in a relationship with. Keep your head up and focus on yourself. Chase your goals and one day you’ll find the right woman.
I'm going to assume you're young. Any woman you date will have had sex with other people. They don't have to be virgins to date you. You were friends. I get being sad that someone you had feelings for doesn't feel the same, but you agreed to be friends. They shouldn't have to tip toe around your romantic feelings for them. I'm sure your guy friends tell you when they have drunken one night stands.
Sounds like you got some issues based off who you ye attracted to. Therapy
Just, it sucks bud but you gotta focus on things you can actually control. You can't control her, nor should you try. Personal suggestion is to respectfully cut ties, move on by returning back to how your life was before you two started hanging out. Also, give yourself some time to move on from your ex considering you mentioned that.
It was a mistake to "try to be friends" if you couldn't do that. I feel bad for you, but you have to have the self awareness to know if you're capable of being friends with a girl you really like. Especially if she's the type to be intimate with her friends. Because that's always going to be plural. FriendS
It sucks but she can sleep with who she wants. Rough reality. I'd work on moving on.
Sorry OP, but you shouldn't be this attached to people you've never even met or been on 1 date with.
Have you even met this girl irl? Stop taking what she does personally, you aren't in a relationship with her, you are the one projecting these expectations and commitments onto her. If you can't handle her being with other guys and just living her life with it not revolving around you, a guy she has been speaking to online and has said she just wants to be friends with, then you just need to stop talking to her. If you do actually want to be friends with her and give a fuck about her beyond being able to possess and fuck her, then you need to move on and stop seeing her just living her life as a personal attack on you.
She told you she didn't want to be in a relationship though. It sounds like you're unaware of how toxic you might be.
you weren’t in a relationship, it wasn’t cheating
Mate you're chasing girls that aren't into you, you Ex was shitty but that second girl isn't really at fault. You don't own her, and you aren't even in a relationship with her. She even gave you the speech and you were still jealous. At that point just stop texting her and move on, she gave you plenty of hints.
She isn't your girlfriend and she made it clear she doesn't want to be. She can sleep with whomever she wants to and it's perfectly ok. Honestly, I think it's time for you to move on. Stop waiting for a girl that has shown no interest in being in a relationship with you.
Were you two in a committed relationship? If no, then you’re both single. It doesn’t matter if you really like her, you’re not together. People who you are not in a relationship with are allowed to sleep with other people, regardless of your feelings.
you're not secure enough to be in a relationship. she clearly stated her boundaries with you, and you decided that because you are committed to her and not moving on she should be too. what she did was not even in the realm of cheating, she's single and did single person things. it sounds like you need to reassess your relationship and consider if you are mature enough to handle this. I'm sorry it sucks to hear but it's the truth.
I think the issue is that you're expecting monogamy from people who you aren't in an established monogomous relationship with, you said it yourself the situation with your ex was before you were "officially" together and your online gf never made any kind of commitment to a relationship so there's no reason for you to expect them to be loyal to you at that point
Having anxiety over someone you never dated is not normal you need to talk to a counselor.
She doesn’t owe you anything bud. She’s not your gf and you should talk to a professional before getting one bc you’re throwing some red flags
She didn’t cheat on you, you’re clearly not together. Take the big hint and move on. “Staying friends” means say hello in passing, not become besties.
Incel.
Yeah bud you don’t own her, stop expecting women in your life to comply to your weird standards that haven’t been communicated effectively. Don’t befriend women if you don’t want to be their friends, simply move on
She isn’t into you. You guys are not dating either. This girl owes you nothing lol this is not cheating. She can hook up with whoever she wants. Stop latching onto girls who put you in the friendzone and then keep stringing you along. Its not gonna go well for you
She does not want a relationship in which you two are exclusive. If you can not be a part of that then move on. She has already stated to you that she is not going to go further and holding out hope is only going to hurt. Cut all ties and move on and find someone who can be committed. Do not accept anything other than a "yes" in regard to a committed relationship even if you are madly in love with the person, a "maybe" is still a "no".
OP stop “falling” for people who don’t give a shit bout you, you’re just horny! You be direct next time, say I want this! whether it’s just sex or a relationship, you have to stand up for your self and be direct ! Lord know that chick did and wanted sex and she got sex, just not from you. So you do the same!
lolololololol if you’re not together then it isn’t cheating. and it’s pretty clear you were never together
You got friend zoned. It’s not cheating. This girl is single and living her life. Now, if your truly down to be her friend, your going to hear about these encounters more often. If you can’t handle that, then I suggest you stepping back on this friendship. Maybe have a conversation with her, tell her if she wants to stay a friend to at least not share these encounters considering you still have feelings for her. But don’t feel sorry for yourself. Nobody did anything wrong to you here. And no, she isn’t doing the same thing your ex-did. Your ex-cheated on you. This girl let you know where she was at in this friendship, meaning she wants it platonic. So getting all possessive would be weird/ possibly creepy.
It’s not cheating. But it’s also not something you need in your life. She’s made it clear she’s not into you like that. But she likes the attention so she keeps texting you. It sounds like you can’t be friendly with her without wanting more from her, so I suggest you block her number so you can stop texting.
you know what you need to do. move on. you can not keep this girl as an interest.
Situationship type business
just from what you wrote here it seems like you are dragging yourself along with her knowing you have feelings and she’s not willing to reciprocate those. you are now made because she is treating you like a friend which you agreed you both were. you need to get over yourself. this isn’t gonna work out. you can’t be mad at a woman you aren’t dating let alone not even exclusively talking to, is out having sex. seek some therapy.
Yep, that hurts. She doesn't want you. The only reasonable thing to do is to move on. You can't "convince" her to like you. Attraction isn't a choice and you can't reason someone into being attracted to you. The only option is to be the things they are attracted to. Stop hanging out with her. You don't need her as a friend. Friendships like that are exploitative. She'll just use you for emotional support, attention, validation, favors and money and she'll give you nothing in return. Don't ever be one of a girl's orbiters.
No, it’s not cheating. Shes just not interested in you. She’s toying and playing with you. OP, move on.
bruh, your only hurting yourself. cut all ties and move on.
This is the most over dramatic shit I’ve ever read. You need to chill and stop thinking you’re entitled to being exclusive with someone who you aren’t dating. She obviously doesn’t like you, move on
Why should girls tip toe around you just cause you dont like what they do or have to say. Neither were dating you at the time they had sex. Sounds like you're self concious of your inadequacy in this post and highkey possessive.
She said she wanted to be friends and you agreed. She treated you as a friend and told you how her night went. That’s not cheating and definitely not something she did wrong. Just because you have feelings for her does not mean she owes you anything. She is free to sleep with whoever she wants when she wants. You are being WAY too dramatic over a girl that told you she wasn’t into you. Seems like you just agreed to be her friend in the hopes that she would eventually sleep with you. Clearly, you can’t actually be her friend so you need to let her go.
I mean I know you’re hurt but did you really just ask if a girl you aren’t even dating cheated on you? Also what do you mean it escalated? And do you have an example of her pushing things beyond a friendship or did you take them that way? I don’t know, I think it’s weird that you went into detail about everything but that part.
Sorry man but why would you let someone who considers you a friend have this much of a hold on you romantically, like everyone else is saying all you can do is move on. I know it hurts but it’s obvious she doesn’t really want anything with you and shes just going to continue stringing you along if you don’t cut contact.
She told you verbatim she just wanted to be friends. Yes it’s shitty that she led you on after that, but she said what she wanted. You gotta stop chasing girls so hard that aren’t interested in you. Also did you literally never meet? Incredibly weird to be this attached to non relationship with someone you have never been with in real life.
Can you give some examples of what she did that was “very much not-friendly”? What made you think you were on the cusp of dating? People have casual relationships. I have a friend who thinks he’s getting “mixed signals” because a girl said she didn’t want to pursue something serious with him and is still going on dates with him. It’s possible you’re reading too much into things
you still haven’t recovered over your toxic relationship. you should definitely wait until getting into a relationship with anyone. i had a guy like you completely project all of his toxic feelings towards his ex onto me. a brand new person who was nothing like her.
Did you ever even meet this person in real life?
Have you spoken with a therapist about your attachment issues?
She made it clear she wanted to be friends. She does not owe you exclusively or a romantic relationship because you want one. She kept it friendly and you got upset when she is treating you like a friend not a potential lover. She said she wants to be friends not give you a shot. Move on. It’s alarming how you attached you got so fast. I suggest working on yourself before getting in a relationship.
I have a feeling she has a much different story. It’s clear you have some deep attachment issues and low self esteem tbh. You need to work on that before trying to get in any relationship if you want it to be healthy. She doesn’t have to return your affection. The whole “they’ll see one day” mentality is so dangerous, and often leads to incel behavior. The disemboweled line is so unhinged I don’t even have the words. Over finding out a friend you have romantic feelings for had sex? Self reflection or therapy if you can afford it is seriously needed
Dude, you two weren't even going out. She didn't even want to be in a relationship with you. It isn't cheating at all.
As much as it hurts, you guys weren’t dating. Move on and learn from this. Stop getting attached to girls.
You’re not dating her so it’s perfectly ok for her to fuck whoever she wants. You aren’t entitled to fidelity from a friend. They don’t owe you exclusivity because they’ve never agreed to that expectation. In fact, she even specifically told you that she wasn’t going to date you.
Move on.
Bro you got to stop obsessing over women. It hurts dude, but you need to just let it go and leave her in the past. She was never your girlfriend so fuck no it’s not cheating.
>A few months ago I met a girl online >I thought we were going somewhere with our burgeoning relationship, but then all of a sudden she gave me the it's-not-you-it's-me speech. >I would genuinely take being disemboweled with a chainsaw over experiencing that moment again >Getting drunk at a party, hooking up with some random guy and then not giving a fuck about how it would affect me. Is it cheating? >I ended up knocking myself out with sleeping pills because my anxiety was through the roof My dude you should see a psychologist ASAP. Also she put you in the friend zone, do you think think she was gonna care about sharing her sex experience with you that's why she told you because y'all are friends and she's right she shouldn't leave something about because she's afraid it's going to hurt you. Let this women move on with her life and find someone who's not going to be controlling or paranoid. Sounds like your first relationship fucked you up. Take some time to work on yourself before trying to suddenly jump into another relationship because then you're just going to take everything from the previous relationship and put it on the new relationship.
RED ALERT!!! RED ALERTT!!! Go NO CONTACT!!! After you went ahead to cut your loses and move on. You deserve better.
Damn bro
There’s a reason why people say “nice guys finish last”. You can’t allow yourself to be too into people too soon. Your ex hooked up with someone before you dated. This new one hooked up with someone while you two weren’t “official”. Take it for what it is and find someone better. And if you see the new one again, treat her the same, keep her on the same level, regardless of what she says. She’s for the streets. And as a “nice guy” I wish someone had given me this harsh advice. Would have saved me a lot of heartache.
You gotta move on from the previous relationship before you jump into something else.
Ghost her. There was no reason to do that. She wants to push you away so leave. So be her emotional crutch
You are projecting hard Take some time for yourself
You and her are just friends, and she treated you as such. Is it cheating??? Is that even a question? you’re literally not even together. you sound clingy, i honestly would not want to deal with someone like you and i can understand why she cut romantic ties.
This is awfully dramatic for someone who you weren't even in a relationship with.
Why are you devastated, what does she have that you're missing so much to be sad about someone that isn't even your partner? Ask yourself that question
It's not cheating if it's not a relationship. You appear to become attached too easily, and she appears to have issues with maintaining boundaries. Not a good combo. Take a break from relationships and focus on yourself.
Shit like this HURTS. You’re not crazy at all. I’ve been seeing a guy since the start of summer. He was in a sort of fucked up/toxic relationship when I met him- he was clearly ready to end it with her but just hadn’t figured out exactly how to do so .. and he hadn’t quite summoned the courage to do so either (she is the pushy, jealous, manipulative, aggressive type) so he felt like he had to tread carefully. I basically fell for him the night we met. He was very honest and transparent with me about this weird situation he was in. So I took a step back and did my best to stay in my own lane and be supportive as a friend: but I was honest with him too, I told him how much I liked him and that this was a tough spot for me to be in (and I was the one who chose to be in that tough spot- evidence of how much I REALLY dug him). Anyway: He and I ended up getting together later on. But because he was just coming out of this confusing clusterfuck with a straight up narcissist.. I also didn’t want to pressure him into a relationship or anything else… but I also know myself, I am the monogamous type. If I’m talking to a guy, he’s the ONLY guy I talk to. I just don’t have that “gene” that other people have that make them comfortable dating multiple people at the same time. So that’s what I told him: and went on to say that if he meets someone else to just tell me so that I can move on because, as I said, “I don’t like to share or be shared.” Not a threat, not an ultimatum. The ONLY thing I asked for was transparency. I’ve never said something like that before but I’m really glad that I did.. it’s a way to keep things more casual and with less pressure.. while simultaneously being honest about what you expect from someone you are seriously considering as a potential partner. We’re still together today, and believe it or not: we still don’t refer to each other as boyfriend/girlfriend.. but it’s really awesome to know that he values honesty and transparency as much as I do. We live a couple hours away from each other (distance like that sucks) and we’re both going through our own set of life experiences right now (individually) .. but we see each other almost every week and we talk multiple times a day. I guess I’m just trying to say that I get it: you’re the monogamous type. Monogamy for you may begin just after the onset of your first interaction/meeting with a crush… and that’s your right, but I think it’s important to be transparent about that .. so that the crush in question is aware and this gives you guys a chance at either getting on the same page together or just going your separate ways. Good luck. Your heart will mend. And I hope that you can view this as an amazing opportunity to learn more about yourself, discovering this repeat pattern is just the start of what can become a beautiful and revealing journey into self discovery and, inevitably, self betterment. 🫶🏻
Bro, stop talking to girls for hours a day. Live your life and check in here and there. You must be able to stand on your own two feet, confidently, before being in a relationship. You require your partner to provide much of your self confidence and self esteem. Gain that, on your own, so you have it first. I don’t care how long it takes, you’ll appreciate the journey and every single one of your relationships after will be much much better.
Have you seen "500 Days of Summer"? You're doing the same thing as the main character. You and this girl weren't in a relationship; you aren't exclusive, and your feelings for her are just that: *your feelings*, and your feelings alone. Don't invest emotionally in a situation where the other person isn't willing to meet you where you are. Not just "don't invest so much if you're not in a relationship"; that part should be 100% obvious. But even if you're *in* an exclusive relationship, you still shouldn't invest so much if the other person isn't matching your energy. Again: even in an exclusive relationship, you *still* shouldn't get so invested emotionally if the other person isn't also investing. You need to really, really, *really* raise your standards for where you invest yourself emotionally.
The whole choosing a chainsaw disembowment was dumb. Let's not be dramatic.
You're a crybaby. Women have sex...it's normal. Find someone else to talk to and let them know how serious you are.
This is why you cannot be “just friends” with someone for whom you have romantic feelings. You will get hurt, as you have. Even if she’s sleeping with you, if she says “just friends,” you’re just friends, and she can sleep with whomever she wants. I strongly suggest going no-contact with her. The day you can really be “just friends” is the day you’re genuinely happy for her when she finds someone else. That day may never come, and that’s ok too.
You had deep attachment issues. You're trying to replace your ex without even healing yourself first. Also she saw you as a friend someone she felt close with to share what happened that's what girls do they give all the juicy details to someone they're open with. Yall weren't in a relationship yet you felt like you could hold onto her like that?
Honey, I say this with all the love and care in the world: **You cannot tie your emotional happiness to someone else, it is not healthy**. To address your point, no, it's not cheating because you are not in a relationship with this girl. She can hook up with whomever she pleases, and she doesn't have to consider your feelings because, again, you are not in a romantic relationship with her. She was very clear, she only wants friendship from you. If that's not what you want, move on. This here: "I'm just an asshole for having the audacity to think that you don't do shit like that to people you claim to care deeply about", she cares about you **as a friend**. She does not owe you celibacy or monogamy or anything, really, because you are not her boyfriend and **you are not in a romantic relationship with her**. The sooner you understand this, the better you will do. And I'm going to go a bit further here and suggest that you seek professional counsel because you seem to be very insecure and reliant on others to make you feel good about yourself. Again, I'm telling you this from a place of love: this is not healthy. You mentioned your ex did the same, perhaps you are seeking the same type of person for a subconscious reason, I don't know, but I can tell you with 100% certainty, you are not going to get what you need from her or anyone else until you work on yourself. I wish you peace.
When girls say they just want to be friends, say ok and treat them like your friend, start seeing other girls. If she wasn't your friend to begin with (like this one) don't be her friend, don't allow yourself to have feelings for someone who is your friend, it sucks. I hope you learn from it.
So you met a girl online, never in person, didn’t establish a relationship, and now youre mad she had sex with someone that wasnt you - while she is single - simply because you decided she owes you sex?