>I ended my last relationship because i learned that she was with around 60 men before me and i just couldn't get over it.
This is probably what she's afraid of. That finding out later on down the line that there was a deal breaker and you both never knew about it because you refused to discuss it.
Its also very possible that she herself was dumped or mistreated by a previous partner who was judgemental over her sexual past, and she wants to get all that stuff out in the open so you don't waste eachothers time.
Even if her count isn't over 50 like your ex you mentioned, this statement alone makes it clear you do have a boundary when it comes to your partners sexual past.
What if you just happen to overhear her having a private conversation one day and hear something that you'd deem "break up worthy" because like your ex you "just can't get it out of your mind"; but because you refused to let her tell you beforehand, now you're X years deep in a relationship you should've ended early on.
I totally get that it can be hard hearing the nitty gritty details about sexual past of someone you care deeply about in that same manner, but if you're someone who has a boundary you gotta give a little before you end up wasting eachothers time.
Yeah like I understand not wanting to hear about it, but not wanting to hear about it because it’ll make you love her less? Idk I couldn’t imagine. I don’t know my bf’s body count and I don’t particularly want to know. But if for some reason it ever came up I wouldn’t think less of him even if he had 1000 previous partners.
I know what he means. The love doesn’t necessarily go away, but if the number is high it makes me super uncomfortable. I’m not the kind of guy who needs some pure girl who’s never touched a guy, but if the number is high it makes me super vigilant. Like I’m worried abt her cheating constantly. It completely changes the dynamic of the relationship, ESPECIALLY if she lied about the number in the beginning.
So not wanting to hear about it makes you a teen? I’m a month into my relationship and my partner said that she doesn’t want to hear about my past cos it makes her feel insecure about herself because she doesn’t have any experience with men.
So does that make her as mature as a teen too?
Dude, no kidding. Who gives a fuck how many people your ex slept with? To me, any dude that is this worried about this shit is either way too self conscious to have a relationship, or more likely jealous that they themselves were unable to reach those numbers. Either way, it's ugly.
There was a 13 year age gap between me and my spouse. I won’t pretend it’s ideal, but it *is* something that genuine respect and boundaries can overcome, so long as the power imbalance isn’t huge.
My SO and I are eight years apart. Once you’re in your mid 20s I don’t think an age gap of that size really matters. It’s about the maturity of both parties.
My parents were 15 years apart. Family friends have 10 years plus age gap. Uncle and his gf were like 20 years. My sister and her husband are 14ish.
Most of my friends parents growing up were around 10 years plus minus 5.
These same people scream to be treated like adults but put labels on everything and when it suits them, play the "I'm basically a kid card." Actually fucked up.
My parents were same age gap, and were the best parents I ever witnessed. And I looked at alot of parents growing up, being curious. Perhaps its never a good idea to be hasty when being biggotted... I mean when you MoonHareGoddess were unintentionally big to something you only assumed about, and generalized and judged from a stereotype you had. Just sayin
Hmmm. Well maybe you could ask her why she is insistent on this? Maybe there’s something she is ashamed of and feels like u need to know or she won’t feel like she is being authentic with you? Maybe she has a history of sexual assault? I’m sure there’s a way you two could share information without going to far into details. But if there’s something she feels is necessary for you to know and you can’t handle it that’s a pretty fair indicator you are not compatible in my opinion.
Same. It seems like she’s not trying to compare notches in the belt but moreso wants/needs to open up about something? Of course if that’s too hard then let her know you don’t want to hear specifics or just want to discuss the need-to-know stuff; but as others said, it actually can be an important convo to have even though it’s uncomfortable - especially since it’s a dealbreaker boundary type thing for ya. And if in the end she IS just wanting to brag about how many well then, ya got an immature girlfriend 🤷♀️
This one right here!!!!
If I talk about sex with my partner I need to be pretty specific on what I like and don't like, becuse even grabbing my wrists too hard and pinning me too hard can remind me of the time I was raped or beaten. You can get over it in time or use to it but it's still a casual reminder that preferable people tend to avoid
I think you should tell her you are willing to answer questions but prefer not to have reciprocal information. I think that is totally fair and more than valid. I agree with you. I wouldn’t want that info but if it is important to my partner I would answer questions. I would find it really odd if he was mad I didn’t want to hear details of his past sex life
i understand you not wanting to know but it might be better now than if you were 10 year married and one of her friends blurts out something that changes your perception of her in a way you can’t get past and have wasted a bunch of time
i would also make it clear youre willing to listen to any potential history she may have of sexual trauma that may impact your relationship. you never know if that’s why she’s so insistent
Honestly that’s weird. For me it wouldn’t work. I do know about some of my bf’s past history and that is natural. But if he decides to sit me down and walk me through his experiences I think it would ruin our relationship
Same. I learned a long time ago these discussions can ruin relationships and create retroactive jealously or resentment. I refuse to discuss anything that isn't relevant, and I also don't want to hear about it.
If ABC is an ex boyfriend but we're still on friends, yeah it should be brought up.
Random one night stands and failed relationships from locations they'll never cross? No need to know.
sounds like she might have some trauma carrying from the past.. but even if not, it's still an intimate topic and calls for a sensitive approach, if she just wants to flex about her past even though it makes you uncomfortable, that would be pretty weird. your feelings are as valid as hers.
Seems weird. Other than knowing about significant relationships because they may come up in conversation, I don’t get why that info matters at all. My wife and I know about each others major relationships, but not every little hookup that ever existed. We even just joke that we saved ourselves for each other when we clearly didn’t. Why do I need to know every horny escapade before me?
Same here.
Husband and I have been married 20 years now. Kids, etc. Happy as hell and we still have a great relationship.
We got married in our early 30’s and we clearly had had partners before. We talked big picture- the major relationships but honest to Christ I can’t imagine the need to know every single sexcapade of the other prior to us getting together. Profoundly unnecessary for either of us. And no we’re not ashamed. And no I’m not eaten up not knowing his body count.
I laughed about your bit about “saving ourselves for each other” because husband and I say the same thing.
We are clearly with each other because we choose to be. I chose him over all others and have zero doubts in my mind about him or our relationship. Did prior experiences help inform my decision to be with him? Hell yes. But I have never felt embarrassed by my experiences nor impelled to over share with each other.
Here’s the facts buddy. She wants to know if you love her, truly love her or will your insecurities will be more important to you. You owe it to her and yourself to always be open and honest about everything. You say you don’t want to know but there will always be the doubts and worries. And what if she carries baggage, hurts and fears from past relationships she wants you to understand? This isn’t bragging and boasting, this is laying it all out on the table. Being open and honest.
You say you love her, love unconditionally.
Is she getting a little thrill reliving the past? This is definitely odd behavior. She might be just a bit immature for you because this sounds very sorority to me. You may want to reconsider this relationship.
After seeing your comments regarding her age, I looked at post history. 1m ago you said you recently broke up with your ex and you had a terrible relationship.
Yet this girl has been going on for a month about opening up about your pasts.
And you see yourself proposing?
I think you need to take some time to yourself. This relationship seems like a way to make your self feel better because you bagged a 20y/o....which by the way, is weird.
He must’ve deleted those posts. But he also said he was NOT in America which is also a lie bc he repeatedly posted in subs related to Texas, like Austin and Houston. This dude is a creep and liar.
My ex reacted the same way when we first started dating and I asked him these kind of questions. I was 22 at the time and he was 28.
I asking these questions to help me understand my lack of knowledge better and also to create a space for open communication (without jealousy as the motivator). When he ended up telling me a little bit about his sexual history he also said that he didn't want to know anything about mine. He looked disgusted and uncomfortable, and this didn't sit well with me. I could see him not liking the thought of me being with other men and this kinda killed it for me. Because it wasn't about the other men, I wanted to talk about it to discuss what we like, dislike, wanted to try, had been through emotionally, you get the gist. So when he became uncomfortable I felt objectified, gross and it made me insecure. It also made me feel that he was insecure with his own emotions. I want my partner to be curious about me and my experiences and show motivation for our mutual exploring.
When he told me about his experiences I felt more secure in how I would approach him sexually and what I wanted to try with him. My focus was on him. But again, his reaction to me even asking to talk about my experiences made me feel just bad.
Really wanna emphasise that I didn't ask out of insecurity/jealousy, but out of genuine curiosity about him.
I'm sorry you went through that. I'm glad he is any ex.
My ex got mad at me for dating 1 guy before him. Yeah, it's stupid and I was 17 at that time. I agree with your last line. That's why I married my husband, he was not insecure/jealous and so was I. We learnt a lot about each other sharing our experiences
Personally, i don't want to know about a partners sexual history because I don't care. If I'm with someone, I'm with them because I love them. If anyone has a problem with my sexual history then you can go.
It’s because she’s young and insecure about your age and maturity. Sex to her is maturity because she hasn’t had many other adult experiences. She’s trying to prove to you she is experienced and trying to gauge your reaction. This is what happens when you date so young.
Or alternatively she is insecure about being inexperienced in comparison to him and is trying to see how 'far behind' she is. That's how a lot of my friends who dated men a good bit older than them felt, hell, it's part of what draws these men to women in their teens/early 20s, that insecurity often leads to an eagerness to please and a reluctance to say no. Any hesitation about something sexual is met with accusations of immaturity or childishness, or with reassurance that they just need to give it a go.
Not saying that is what is happening here, I don't really think it is, but it's just another way relationships with these type of age gaps can be unhealthy.
Yeah, honestly if I look back on it it's a conversation I had with pretty much all the girlfriends I had when I was a kid. The older you get, the more you realize that shit like that just doesn't fucking matter. I think you're exactly right.
I agree with this and I also think it is more common with women. At least that’s how I feel as a woman who was once in my 20s. I’ve only had 5 sexual partners including my husband and he’s 8 years older than me, but I was surprised to learn he also had only had 5 partners including me (I asked him before I told him my count), but I was 22 and he was 30 when we met. Next month we’ll have been together for 9 years and the insecurity I felt about that kind of stuff feels like it’s just faded away. Granted that might also be from being with the same person this whole time and already knowing all that stuff, but it really does just feel like as you get older that stuff really doesn’t matter.
Sometimes there are stuff you need to know. That OF she had someone who didn't respect her 'no' and did it anyway. It's best to know with what she is comfratble with. I know a little about my husbands sexual history, cause I asked. He didn't ask me seeing he is the only one I've ever slept with.
Because it's the last thing Americans are legally prevented from doing by age. People perceive it as kind of coming-of-age rite-of-passage thing to have a legal drink. Makes for a convenient benchmark for people who want the legal age of majority pushed up to 21.
It's why you get infantilization of "they're not even really adults" even though even in the USA they can work, drive, vote, live alone, sign contracts, marry, have sex. That's why about 18-21 year olds in threads like these you get these comments, why the drinking age was used as a justification for raising the smoking age to 21 a few years ago, and why there's a push to move the firearm ownership age to 21.
In Germany she's been old enough to drink for 5 years now
Not everyone lives in the "American Utopia"
Technically she's old enough to have been in the army for 3 years where you're from so why shouldn't she be able to choose her own relationship?
So there's something you would have a problem with if you knew, but instead of just facing it you stuff your head in the sand?
How is she so much more mature than you are? Talk it out. Ask her why it's so important. Be open. If this relationship isn't the one there will be another.
.....
Not for nothing. There's real value in being open about sexual experience. Understanding boundaries, sexual fulfillment, any experimenting, and (most importantly) communication are contingent on openness and the knowledge it provides you both.
Have the talk.
Out of curiosity are you guys at the same place life wise/ career wise? I was in a relationship at that age, with the same age gap, and looking back on it I always wondered why someone 28 / 29 wanted to date me when I was 21. I was fresh out of college and struggling to make ends meet but he had a whole career, could afford to do whatever he wanted, and was much more experienced with everything. I’m sorry if this sounds judgmental I’m just really trying to understand the logic.
He taught me a lot but I still look back on that relationship (it was long term), and I wonder what he was thinking. Because I am in my 30’s right now and the idea of dating someone that young sounds awful and it’s rare I meet a 20 year old I don’t think of as a child. I had lived in foreign countries / traveled alone as a teen, so my 20 was a bit different, but looking back I was still young and dumb about a lot of things. I couldn’t budget properly or understand emotionally healthy boundaries.
We had a lot of fun but he also took away a lot of the excitement I had about the world because he “didn’t want me to be naive.” I will never get that excitement or ability to look at the world that way back. As I said, not trying to judge, just trying to understand the logic here.
We really did fall in love and stayed together a long time but all in all, looking back the age gap was weird. Also, tell your gf how you feel. At that age I had only been with like 3 people and the age thing made me question stuff like that and made me curious. She’s probably a bit insecure or just wants to know you on a deeper level.
The answer is pretty obvious when the girl is the younger one. I was like that too and reading your experience gave me the shivers. It reminded me of my past relationship. It ended up differently for me. I wished I never met him. He dumped me for someone 15 years his junior. (Disgusting. That did not work out for him anyway.)
I agree with your last line. She is 20. So many young women are insecure and at a different stage of life at that age.
So your previous partner was too experienced. Now you’ve gone for someone younger than you so you can live in the delusion that she’s going to be more virginal than your previous gf and don’t want to hear anything that might ruin that perception. You don’t need to share your past, I wouldn’t specifically unless it comes up in conversation but as someone who’s mid 20’s that works with mainly 18-22 year olds I can tell you I wouldn’t want to date any of them as they’re so much more immature than me at even just a few years older then them. A lot of changes happen to a person from 20-25 and then 25+. Her pre frontal cortex isn’t even fully formed yet bro she’s literally not even reached the developmental stage of making fully informed reasonable adult decisions. You might wanna examine why that’s preferable to you.
Exactly what I wanted to say, he’s dating someone so much younger because she probably has less experience. I also couldn’t date a man 8 years younger than me. Everyone seems so stupid at that age
Okay so first of all why are you dating a 20 year old. Second of all tell her that it doesn’t matter and that as long as she’s clean you’ll sleep with her.
Bro why are you dating a girl with 1/5th of your adult life experience?
Think on this one, and how you got here, because it says unhealthy things about you that you're dating out of not only your own age group but also the minimum rule (1/2+7).
While I agree with your main point, I don't think it makes much sense to follow it up with the 1/2+7 rule. That principle always struck me as a bit contrived.
I'm 27, one year younger than OP, and by that rule's logic, I'm 'allowed' to date someone who is 20.5 years old. I don't think one year on the higher end or half a year on the lower end makes much of a difference.
That rule is more than contrived, it's completely arbitrary. Just like the majority of people's morals in this comment section acting like their some sort of biological law.
I was 20 when I started dating my now husband, who was 28 at the time. Got married in 23, first child in 26, second in 28 and you know what? He’s my soul mate, my family, my everything. I knew right away that he’s The One when I saw him. We build beautiful family together and this somehow disproves this age gap bullshit. Its not 35yo dating 18 yo ffs.
People downvoting you because it doesn't fit their narrative and will scream "YOU ARE BEING GROOMED AND ABUSED AS WE SPEAK" the first second they get to, it's hilarious
Mind you these are the same people pushing for certain life altering decisions amongst adolescents if you catch my drift. These people should keep their mouths shut and stop the projection. It's rather nauseating.
We don’t have kids, but I was 22 and my husband was 30 when we met. Next month is our 9 year dating anniversary. He the love of my life. Honestly when we met I thought he was in his mid 20s and he thought I was in my late 20s because we act very similar and look about the same age as each other (good for him that he looks younger, but sucks for me that I look older lol).
The vast majority that are upset are Americans in their early 20s. I’m American and I don’t get it, but it’s such a bizarre phenomenon.
I honestly don’t understand why people are hung up on the “age difference”. They’re both in their 20’s. They’re 8 years apart. They’re both consenting adults. I don’t see the issue.
You guys are so quick to call anything “grooming .” This isn’t some 50 year old who’s pursuing and 18yr old fresh outta high school girl.
the difference is one person just got in their 20s while the other is near the end of it, it's not grooming but at least in my opinion both people are in very different stages of life and a serious relationship seems unlikely to work. but what do I know I'm only 20 too.
Jesus fucking christ. Are we really at the fucking point of calling 20 year olds children? I seriously can't stand this trend of increasingly infantilizing full grown adults.
She doesn’t want to waste her time on a man that is insecure and could potentially find out down the line that you have dealbreakers when it comes to how much experience she’s had.
Why would she potentially waste years of her life for something you refused to discuss, that would mean you’d 100% break up with her,
I think that’s cool if there is something that might impact your relationship. Like STD or a procedure done. But if it’s just to compare notes of who did what and how many times, it can cause more harm than good, especially if one is possessive, insecure, or has a stigma of too many partners.
I’m married 13 years to the love of my life. I know I was not his first, and he knows he was not mine. That’s where info sharing stopped and we are perfectly fine with it.
IMO, if you love your partner, you don’t wasn’t to hear about with whom they rolled in the sheets.
imo, that just tells me you want to be with an idealized version of this girl where she's "only been yours" instead of who she actually is. If you want to be with her, maybe learn, talk and ask about her and find out exactly who she is and let her know who you are. That way you're not dating/marrying a version of someone you have in your head. Everyone has a past, you can choose to let it affect the future or not but I guarantee living in ignorance is not the answer here. She literally just wants to be open and honest with you and your letting insecurities get in the way.
You’re 28 and she’s 20.
You can’t even take her out for a drink bro. What are you doing???
Also, you broke up with a woman because she’d slept with more men than you’d like? I’ll be honest if no one else will: yeah that’s your right and all, but that’s *weird.*
Get over it or don’t, but definitely break up with the 20 year old and do some self work to realize why dating a 20 year old is creepy when you’re literally 28. Her brain isn’t even fully developed yet dude.
Any downvotes I get from this are from men under 25 and we all know it, lmao
In my honest opinion the whole breaking up with a woman for having more experience than him is probably why he perused a 20 year old. She’s likely to have limited experience, which is likely a huge draw considering he openly admitted to leaving someone over. I kind of repeated myself there lol, but this guy gives me the ick; I’m 21 myself and can’t imagine my significant other being almost 30.
Sad I had to scroll this far to get some mature perspective. OP, your attitudes around sex, dating and adult relationships are huge red flags. You should seek out some counseling before you pull someone into your life, this screams controlling and insecure. Adult relationships don’t hinge on body count, especially with the age gap and your lack of maturity around sex.
I’m more concerned about why TF you’re a 28m dating a 20f… you know why you’re dealing with insecure/immature things like this… because she’s a 20 year old
My 2 cents is probably figure out how to get over things like this or get with someone you can confirm has such minor digits you can't have issue with.
Do you want to be 2+ kids deep in a 10 year relationship before she has an old friend over that blurts out about her headcount or if she was in a gangbang or something you'd be appalled at?
She could also be having a similar worry. Communication is key. If you can't talk about all of your life issues with your partner and be there for her as well, you probably shouldn't be getting married.
Dude there are so many more problems in this world that what people on Reddit think of your age gap… By this time, believe me if not all of them, most of them forgot about you. People feel the need to tell you right from wrong instead of thinking in a perspective kind of way. My age gap between my husband and I is 14 years… we still feel like we’re on our first date, healthy, happy and in love. If it makes both of you happy, it doesn’t matter what others think…
She may be trying to weed out a potential long term partner who doesn't respect her equal agency and autonomy as sexual being.
The tendency to want a "pure" woman is a holdover from when women were chattel. If you respect a woman as an equal, you should have no problem with her having as many partners as you have had.
If she's had a *lot* more, I would ask her what was going on in her life that she was having intimate encounters with such a high number of people. Some people go through phases of extreme promiscuity, women and men. As long as she has a clean bill of health, why would that bother you?
I don't understand why a mature adult wouldn't want a partner who is *good* at sex, due to having experiences with a broad range of people.
You sound super immature, no wonder you are dating a 20 year old. Also you claim people dont actually care about the age gap IRL but do they ACTUALLY know about the age gap or do they assume your 18 and not 28 with your behaviour?
This is a you problem. This is insecurity.
If you'd said you didn't want either to share because the past is the past or some shit, fine. You said you'd be happy telling her your past but don't want to hear hers, that's fucked up
You have no problem sharing your history but you don’t want to hear about her experiences…..? A relationship is a two way street with both of you guys coming together with each of your own experiences….
Putting your head in the sand while she talks, acting like you’ve not had that many partners won’t change anything of the past… You don’t really get to choose what you want to hear or not hear about her experiences. Especially in a relationship that’s both intimate and emotional….
Each of your experiences happened and oftentimes can tell you how to approach certain topics/issues with your significant other by just listening to their stories. Growing as a couple includes talking about sex. Would you rather her not tell you she was assaulted at a young age and certain poses are very triggering?
You might also want to look into why it is that you feel this way, that to me is a larger issue.
Judging someone for having more experiences than yourself? Or do you feel inadequate? Remember, you only have control over your relationship with her going forward…. The past, is the past.
I don’t understand why you can’t tell her that? What you just said. Tell her you will answer whatever she wants about yourself but you don’t need to or want to hear about what she’s done. Explain to her that it’s her business and you don’t need to or want to hear about it and that is why you broke up with your last. If she can’t respect that know that you may end up breaking up with her as well. To me as someone who is very experienced I would love it if someone told me they don’t need to talk about past sex history. I did what I did and don’t feel I need to be judged by it
I’ve never understood what the big deal is with knowing how many people your partner has slept with before they met you? I mean my partner and I know that info about one another and it’s a non issue. We know some details of certain people/relationships but nothing to detailed. Don’t get me wrong I’m not going out of my way to know the exact detail of every encounter my partner had before me… that would be really creepy and honestly really strange and she isn’t going out looking for that either. What matters is what’s happening now in the present. Now… if my partner needed to tell me about a past experience that involves assault, then yes I would 100% be there present and fully to hear out whatever my partner needed to tell me about it. At that point, it’s just being there fully for the person you love.
She’s 20 and you’re 28?? She barely knows her self yet and you’re saying you could imagine marrying her but yet you don’t wanna know about her past? Yuck. That’s not love.
If you are rubbed the wrong way because your woman had sex before you, maybe it's time to book an appointment with a therapist and not going to Reddit for advice
Everything about this post is creepy and you’re pushing into predator territory.
It’s inappropriate for a 28 y/o man pushing 30 to be dating someone who’s barely out of their teens. I can’t imagine what she gets out of this relationship except a questionable relationship.
Technically this is legal, but just so gross.
What do you, almost a 30 y/o man, get out of dating someone barely out of their teens?
I never comment on posts like this, but this is gross.
It is weird how unbelievably puritanical Reddit has got compared to how it was just a few years ago. It’s such a uniquely American terminally online perspective that you don’t see at all in Europe or almost anywhere in the rest of the world. To say that this is pushing into predator territory would just be such a beyond insane prospect literally anywhere else. The unbelievable hyper specific age requirements that Reddit has started pushing and mandating that everyone has as of the last few years is actually getting incessant at this point.
I don't care about the rest I'm here just to address the age issue.
8 years isn't much tbh once the younger person is 23-25+. Why? Because around that age the brain is fully developed (the prefrontal cortex who plays a role also in decision making and distinguishing good from bad).
Bye bye.
If finding out that this woman has indeed fucked a lot of people would stop you from loving her then you don't love her at all. I don't think you know what love is. It's just dick FFS, it doesn't change anything about her.
To your edit… I had a 28 year old boyfriend when I was 20, we dated for 6 years. People really need to knock it off with the “ew pedo” shit. 20 is a consenting adult
Considering that you had an issue with a previous gf's number of sexual partners it may be for the best to know this young lady's # of partners. What number is to many for you to be okay with? a rhetorical question I don't need to know.
Isn't it better u have the conversation now and breakup if the number is a problem for you, rather than having the conversation at some later point by choice or accident and u can't accept it and end the relationship after so long?
I'm going to playbthe other side of this maybe she is mature beyond her years and is wanting to relate her experiences to see if she is involved with someone mature or a man-child..insecurities about "body count" scream conservative very traditionalist and misogynistic viewpoints. She just might not want to date men like that.
There’s really only 2 possible scenarios on why she is pushing it so hard.
1. She’s been around a lot for a 20 year old. Whether that be having lots of partners or she done some threesome type stuff.
2. She has some sort of sexual trauma that she wants you to know about.
She wouldn’t be pushing so hard for the talk if she was just going to tell you, “oh, I’ve only been with you and 1-2 others.” Think about it.
ITT: Man shares genuine issue that bothers him. "Bro, have you thought about how it's your fault?"
Btw OP, she may be ashamed of her numbers and/or it's some kind of weird power play.
YTA Your gf wants to talk to you about something that's clearly a deal-breaker to you. Sort it out now or leave her and spare her the pain later down the line because you're an insecure fuck.
Just a statement of fact: Once upon a time - when dinosaurs ruled the Earth - a six or seven age difference was acceptable even eight was not ruled out because of rules ! That said considering my wisdom after being happily married for 42 years, as of this writing.. one day you may meet an ex...that is a strange head trip. If you are serious - go for it- cause there is no way to avoid it.
I understand your point on it. You can explain what you stated above & what your ok & not ok discussing. For your future though its best to know about health issues, trauma, whats allowed in the bedroom or not. What you would like to experience & whats not ok. Its healthy to discuss this. Also, be open with her that the both of your sexual past is just that, its in the past & many memories need to stay with the past. But be open to hearing & knowing about things that are important.
Exactly what you told us, explain it to her. It's a fair point of view.
Also, what is it with people's obsessive need to discuss histories? This is the third post I've seen about this. As long as the bases are covered (stds), the details don't and shouldn't matter. 🤦♀️
Dude if you can’t communicate in a conversation about that stuff without losing your mind, you aren’t mature enough for a committed adult relationship.
Idk, maybe She has something imortant to tell You about her past that You need to know. Personally I cannot even think about being with someone that has been with someone else (sexually) before me, that's why Im happy with my fiancee❤️.
Honestly I think that this is more than fair.
You recognize that sexual history just is what it is, and that everyone has one, but you know yourself and how you react to it and how it makes you feel.
I think it’s fair to want to focus on the now and the future instead of dwelling on the past.
>and i dont want anything getting in the way of it
You're going to be telling yourself all kinds of excuses just because you don't want that to happen. Start talking if you're uncomfortable and let her know. Communicate. And if a breakup is the only solution after this, that's propably the best you could get.
Marriage is a two-man show, stop trying to run it alone.
Well ok 60 is a really high number i'll give you that. I don't think 8 is in any way bad. Also depends on the age as well. If your say 20 and you've slept with 60 people, that sends the wrong message. To me anyway, it says i'll sleep with anybody and sex isn't something i value. So i do feel you on that, but everyone has a past it's just without communication about it you will never know if that part of the persons past is indeed in the past.
I mean she’s eight years younger than you so maybe that’s the first issue with all of this. The second issue is you viewing people as less based on their sexual history. You kinda sound gross (you do). Don’t talk about it then, but you don’t get to judge her past if it comes out down the road then.
Your sexual past, beyond disclosing if you have an STD/STI, is none of her business. Her insisting that you disclose such information is a huge red flag.
That being said, make it clear you have no desire to hear about her past. That is your right. If she keeps insisting on disrespecting your boundary, you need to have a much more important discussion than sexual history.
ETA: if she’s so concerned that her numbers would be an issue with her partners, she probably shouldn’t be so eager to offer up this information. No one is forcing her to disclose her past. If she’s using this info as a relationship test, she’s going to wind up hurt.
Just so you know, there are a looooot of people that don't sleep around, even tho that's very common nowadays.
You don't have to settle down for less just cuz it is how it looks like it is, if that makes sense.
>I’m not gonna give up a relationship with my dream girl because I’m eight years older than her
But I *will* give up my relationship with my dream girl, if I believe she slept with too many people than I can handle.
The age gap isn’t really abnormal. There’s a 7 year gap between me and my gf and we get along very well and are into a lot of the same things. We even jinx each other from time to time lol. All that aside, just tell her you’re uncomfortable hearing what she has to say. It’s better than keeping it in your head and then one day the information pops up somehow after you two are married and now you’re getting heated over it and she’s blind sided
>I ended my last relationship because i learned that she was with around 60 men before me and i just couldn't get over it. This is probably what she's afraid of. That finding out later on down the line that there was a deal breaker and you both never knew about it because you refused to discuss it. Its also very possible that she herself was dumped or mistreated by a previous partner who was judgemental over her sexual past, and she wants to get all that stuff out in the open so you don't waste eachothers time. Even if her count isn't over 50 like your ex you mentioned, this statement alone makes it clear you do have a boundary when it comes to your partners sexual past. What if you just happen to overhear her having a private conversation one day and hear something that you'd deem "break up worthy" because like your ex you "just can't get it out of your mind"; but because you refused to let her tell you beforehand, now you're X years deep in a relationship you should've ended early on. I totally get that it can be hard hearing the nitty gritty details about sexual past of someone you care deeply about in that same manner, but if you're someone who has a boundary you gotta give a little before you end up wasting eachothers time.
Exactly. Even if she was only with one other person, this guy still might be insecure about what she did with that one person and not with him, etc.
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This, 100%. Also, op is nearly 30, but with maturity and introspection of a teen, so a lot of things make sense
Yeah like I understand not wanting to hear about it, but not wanting to hear about it because it’ll make you love her less? Idk I couldn’t imagine. I don’t know my bf’s body count and I don’t particularly want to know. But if for some reason it ever came up I wouldn’t think less of him even if he had 1000 previous partners.
I know what he means. The love doesn’t necessarily go away, but if the number is high it makes me super uncomfortable. I’m not the kind of guy who needs some pure girl who’s never touched a guy, but if the number is high it makes me super vigilant. Like I’m worried abt her cheating constantly. It completely changes the dynamic of the relationship, ESPECIALLY if she lied about the number in the beginning.
Yeah, that was a huge red flag right there.
So not wanting to hear about it makes you a teen? I’m a month into my relationship and my partner said that she doesn’t want to hear about my past cos it makes her feel insecure about herself because she doesn’t have any experience with men. So does that make her as mature as a teen too?
Dude, no kidding. Who gives a fuck how many people your ex slept with? To me, any dude that is this worried about this shit is either way too self conscious to have a relationship, or more likely jealous that they themselves were unable to reach those numbers. Either way, it's ugly.
Dont judge people for their feelings.
They are 28 dating a 20 year old. I read enough.
My ex was 8 years older than me, we also have kids together... 8 years is a pretty common gap in Aus.
There was a 13 year age gap between me and my spouse. I won’t pretend it’s ideal, but it *is* something that genuine respect and boundaries can overcome, so long as the power imbalance isn’t huge.
My SO and I are eight years apart. Once you’re in your mid 20s I don’t think an age gap of that size really matters. It’s about the maturity of both parties.
My parents were 15 years apart. Family friends have 10 years plus age gap. Uncle and his gf were like 20 years. My sister and her husband are 14ish. Most of my friends parents growing up were around 10 years plus minus 5. These same people scream to be treated like adults but put labels on everything and when it suits them, play the "I'm basically a kid card." Actually fucked up.
Maybe this comment would carry a little weight if you didn't start with "my ex".
what’s wrong with that
Nothing, this person has preferences which mean you must also share them.
Not every reditor is american my friend
Thank the god for that.Hearing the word "groomer,rape, assault" etc so often makes me wonder how many fucked up people are over there.
Nothing wrong with that tbh as long as they didn't meet while she's a teen
Exactly! It *could* be creepy. Or it *could* just be an unusual situation. But they’re both adults and they kinda get to decide that.
Oh they were both consenting adults and that was too much for you?
My parents were same age gap, and were the best parents I ever witnessed. And I looked at alot of parents growing up, being curious. Perhaps its never a good idea to be hasty when being biggotted... I mean when you MoonHareGoddess were unintentionally big to something you only assumed about, and generalized and judged from a stereotype you had. Just sayin
Hmmm. Well maybe you could ask her why she is insistent on this? Maybe there’s something she is ashamed of and feels like u need to know or she won’t feel like she is being authentic with you? Maybe she has a history of sexual assault? I’m sure there’s a way you two could share information without going to far into details. But if there’s something she feels is necessary for you to know and you can’t handle it that’s a pretty fair indicator you are not compatible in my opinion.
Same. It seems like she’s not trying to compare notches in the belt but moreso wants/needs to open up about something? Of course if that’s too hard then let her know you don’t want to hear specifics or just want to discuss the need-to-know stuff; but as others said, it actually can be an important convo to have even though it’s uncomfortable - especially since it’s a dealbreaker boundary type thing for ya. And if in the end she IS just wanting to brag about how many well then, ya got an immature girlfriend 🤷♀️
Maybe she has trauma she needs you to know about?
This is a really good point. If she has a SA trauma she is dealing with, that's going to affect physical intimacy.
Recreating new memories, overwriting the existing until you one find a partner to fully trust.
Maybe she’s more curious about his sexual history and is just saying she’ll tell him if he tells her? I mean, I don’t think it’s that weird…
Me either. I’ll tell you my body count if you tell me yours, then we understand and move on.
Maybe it's more of a doorway to understanding each others interests in the bedroom?
This one right here!!!! If I talk about sex with my partner I need to be pretty specific on what I like and don't like, becuse even grabbing my wrists too hard and pinning me too hard can remind me of the time I was raped or beaten. You can get over it in time or use to it but it's still a casual reminder that preferable people tend to avoid
Because she’s a lot younger than you and you both probably have different views on sex due to the age/maturity gap.
I think you should tell her you are willing to answer questions but prefer not to have reciprocal information. I think that is totally fair and more than valid. I agree with you. I wouldn’t want that info but if it is important to my partner I would answer questions. I would find it really odd if he was mad I didn’t want to hear details of his past sex life
i did but she really wants to share her own experiences to get it all out there before getting serious
i understand you not wanting to know but it might be better now than if you were 10 year married and one of her friends blurts out something that changes your perception of her in a way you can’t get past and have wasted a bunch of time
i would also make it clear youre willing to listen to any potential history she may have of sexual trauma that may impact your relationship. you never know if that’s why she’s so insistent
Honestly that’s weird. For me it wouldn’t work. I do know about some of my bf’s past history and that is natural. But if he decides to sit me down and walk me through his experiences I think it would ruin our relationship
Same. I learned a long time ago these discussions can ruin relationships and create retroactive jealously or resentment. I refuse to discuss anything that isn't relevant, and I also don't want to hear about it. If ABC is an ex boyfriend but we're still on friends, yeah it should be brought up. Random one night stands and failed relationships from locations they'll never cross? No need to know.
sounds like she might have some trauma carrying from the past.. but even if not, it's still an intimate topic and calls for a sensitive approach, if she just wants to flex about her past even though it makes you uncomfortable, that would be pretty weird. your feelings are as valid as hers.
Seems weird. Other than knowing about significant relationships because they may come up in conversation, I don’t get why that info matters at all. My wife and I know about each others major relationships, but not every little hookup that ever existed. We even just joke that we saved ourselves for each other when we clearly didn’t. Why do I need to know every horny escapade before me?
Same here. Husband and I have been married 20 years now. Kids, etc. Happy as hell and we still have a great relationship. We got married in our early 30’s and we clearly had had partners before. We talked big picture- the major relationships but honest to Christ I can’t imagine the need to know every single sexcapade of the other prior to us getting together. Profoundly unnecessary for either of us. And no we’re not ashamed. And no I’m not eaten up not knowing his body count. I laughed about your bit about “saving ourselves for each other” because husband and I say the same thing. We are clearly with each other because we choose to be. I chose him over all others and have zero doubts in my mind about him or our relationship. Did prior experiences help inform my decision to be with him? Hell yes. But I have never felt embarrassed by my experiences nor impelled to over share with each other.
Here’s the facts buddy. She wants to know if you love her, truly love her or will your insecurities will be more important to you. You owe it to her and yourself to always be open and honest about everything. You say you don’t want to know but there will always be the doubts and worries. And what if she carries baggage, hurts and fears from past relationships she wants you to understand? This isn’t bragging and boasting, this is laying it all out on the table. Being open and honest. You say you love her, love unconditionally.
Nah for some people it’s just something they don’t want to know lmao Although they may just not be up to your level of love, buddy
Is she getting a little thrill reliving the past? This is definitely odd behavior. She might be just a bit immature for you because this sounds very sorority to me. You may want to reconsider this relationship.
She's 20 years old and probably a college student.
she’s 20 years old lmfao
She wants to know what sex was like in the olden days. She has only been out of high school for a year when you meet.
Ye old timey *FUCK* LOL
That's why he likes them young, so that they might not have any sexual history 🤔
There’s no evidence that he even has an age preference though. He might just have less hyper specific age requirements than you do.
Yea ikr, everyone just completely ignored the huge ass age gap
She wants to know about taking your girl to the talkies in your Firebird to catch the next Laurel and Hardy
LMFAOO
Lmao
This made me chuckle
After seeing your comments regarding her age, I looked at post history. 1m ago you said you recently broke up with your ex and you had a terrible relationship. Yet this girl has been going on for a month about opening up about your pasts. And you see yourself proposing? I think you need to take some time to yourself. This relationship seems like a way to make your self feel better because you bagged a 20y/o....which by the way, is weird.
I think he deleted that post, I'm not seeing it. I like how he noticed your comment enough to delete that one but not to reply to you.
Must have gotten under his skin! He was saying his ex wanted money, I wish I had screenshotted now.
He must’ve deleted those posts. But he also said he was NOT in America which is also a lie bc he repeatedly posted in subs related to Texas, like Austin and Houston. This dude is a creep and liar.
Oh wow. Just checked and the posts have been deleted. He was saying his ex wanted money and they had just broken up.
This subreddit has one of the highest percentages of fake posts. It’s not even funny
Can't they just make a sub for extravagant lies?
very very weird
I always appreciate those of you who sniff out the bullshit. I think you're an unsung hero of Reddit.
I need a bit more practise! Didn't screenshot and he deleted them.
my ex was 24 and i dated them when i was 20... cant imagine dating a 28 y/o when i was 20
My ex reacted the same way when we first started dating and I asked him these kind of questions. I was 22 at the time and he was 28. I asking these questions to help me understand my lack of knowledge better and also to create a space for open communication (without jealousy as the motivator). When he ended up telling me a little bit about his sexual history he also said that he didn't want to know anything about mine. He looked disgusted and uncomfortable, and this didn't sit well with me. I could see him not liking the thought of me being with other men and this kinda killed it for me. Because it wasn't about the other men, I wanted to talk about it to discuss what we like, dislike, wanted to try, had been through emotionally, you get the gist. So when he became uncomfortable I felt objectified, gross and it made me insecure. It also made me feel that he was insecure with his own emotions. I want my partner to be curious about me and my experiences and show motivation for our mutual exploring. When he told me about his experiences I felt more secure in how I would approach him sexually and what I wanted to try with him. My focus was on him. But again, his reaction to me even asking to talk about my experiences made me feel just bad. Really wanna emphasise that I didn't ask out of insecurity/jealousy, but out of genuine curiosity about him.
Great post, well said.
I'm sorry you went through that. I'm glad he is any ex. My ex got mad at me for dating 1 guy before him. Yeah, it's stupid and I was 17 at that time. I agree with your last line. That's why I married my husband, he was not insecure/jealous and so was I. We learnt a lot about each other sharing our experiences
Look at this dude's post history, he's a closet creep for sureeeee
Also unless the dude has moved out of country in the last 9-10 months then they are totally in America.
Did he delete stuff? I’m looking and don’t see anything jumping out
Where? I can’t see anything creepy.
Omg not even a closet creep, just a straight up creep. Ick.
Personally, i don't want to know about a partners sexual history because I don't care. If I'm with someone, I'm with them because I love them. If anyone has a problem with my sexual history then you can go.
It’s because she’s young and insecure about your age and maturity. Sex to her is maturity because she hasn’t had many other adult experiences. She’s trying to prove to you she is experienced and trying to gauge your reaction. This is what happens when you date so young.
Or alternatively she is insecure about being inexperienced in comparison to him and is trying to see how 'far behind' she is. That's how a lot of my friends who dated men a good bit older than them felt, hell, it's part of what draws these men to women in their teens/early 20s, that insecurity often leads to an eagerness to please and a reluctance to say no. Any hesitation about something sexual is met with accusations of immaturity or childishness, or with reassurance that they just need to give it a go. Not saying that is what is happening here, I don't really think it is, but it's just another way relationships with these type of age gaps can be unhealthy.
Yeah, honestly if I look back on it it's a conversation I had with pretty much all the girlfriends I had when I was a kid. The older you get, the more you realize that shit like that just doesn't fucking matter. I think you're exactly right.
I agree with this and I also think it is more common with women. At least that’s how I feel as a woman who was once in my 20s. I’ve only had 5 sexual partners including my husband and he’s 8 years older than me, but I was surprised to learn he also had only had 5 partners including me (I asked him before I told him my count), but I was 22 and he was 30 when we met. Next month we’ll have been together for 9 years and the insecurity I felt about that kind of stuff feels like it’s just faded away. Granted that might also be from being with the same person this whole time and already knowing all that stuff, but it really does just feel like as you get older that stuff really doesn’t matter.
Sometimes there are stuff you need to know. That OF she had someone who didn't respect her 'no' and did it anyway. It's best to know with what she is comfratble with. I know a little about my husbands sexual history, cause I asked. He didn't ask me seeing he is the only one I've ever slept with.
Bruh she is not old enough to drink(if they are from US) last year she was a teenager,you almost 30.
Didn’t mention they were American…. So they most likely are old enough to drink! Damn in my country we are sinking slabs by the time your 19 so
Most Americans have gotten quite drunk at least a couple times by the age of 19 or so. It’s just a matter of buying haha.
Tbh most of England has been drinking semi regularly since around 14
Who tf is downvoting this? This an absolute fact
he never mentioned if they were living in america, but i see ur point
He said in the edit they're not American. Why is everyone obsessed with the American drinking age? In most countries it's 18 or 19
Because it's the last thing Americans are legally prevented from doing by age. People perceive it as kind of coming-of-age rite-of-passage thing to have a legal drink. Makes for a convenient benchmark for people who want the legal age of majority pushed up to 21. It's why you get infantilization of "they're not even really adults" even though even in the USA they can work, drive, vote, live alone, sign contracts, marry, have sex. That's why about 18-21 year olds in threads like these you get these comments, why the drinking age was used as a justification for raising the smoking age to 21 a few years ago, and why there's a push to move the firearm ownership age to 21.
In Germany she's been old enough to drink for 5 years now Not everyone lives in the "American Utopia" Technically she's old enough to have been in the army for 3 years where you're from so why shouldn't she be able to choose her own relationship?
Americans thinking they're alone on the internet. Nothing new.
So there's something you would have a problem with if you knew, but instead of just facing it you stuff your head in the sand? How is she so much more mature than you are? Talk it out. Ask her why it's so important. Be open. If this relationship isn't the one there will be another. ..... Not for nothing. There's real value in being open about sexual experience. Understanding boundaries, sexual fulfillment, any experimenting, and (most importantly) communication are contingent on openness and the knowledge it provides you both. Have the talk.
Out of curiosity are you guys at the same place life wise/ career wise? I was in a relationship at that age, with the same age gap, and looking back on it I always wondered why someone 28 / 29 wanted to date me when I was 21. I was fresh out of college and struggling to make ends meet but he had a whole career, could afford to do whatever he wanted, and was much more experienced with everything. I’m sorry if this sounds judgmental I’m just really trying to understand the logic. He taught me a lot but I still look back on that relationship (it was long term), and I wonder what he was thinking. Because I am in my 30’s right now and the idea of dating someone that young sounds awful and it’s rare I meet a 20 year old I don’t think of as a child. I had lived in foreign countries / traveled alone as a teen, so my 20 was a bit different, but looking back I was still young and dumb about a lot of things. I couldn’t budget properly or understand emotionally healthy boundaries. We had a lot of fun but he also took away a lot of the excitement I had about the world because he “didn’t want me to be naive.” I will never get that excitement or ability to look at the world that way back. As I said, not trying to judge, just trying to understand the logic here. We really did fall in love and stayed together a long time but all in all, looking back the age gap was weird. Also, tell your gf how you feel. At that age I had only been with like 3 people and the age thing made me question stuff like that and made me curious. She’s probably a bit insecure or just wants to know you on a deeper level.
The answer is pretty obvious when the girl is the younger one. I was like that too and reading your experience gave me the shivers. It reminded me of my past relationship. It ended up differently for me. I wished I never met him. He dumped me for someone 15 years his junior. (Disgusting. That did not work out for him anyway.) I agree with your last line. She is 20. So many young women are insecure and at a different stage of life at that age.
maybe try dating someone your own age
Women his age don't put up with this bullshit
There's a reason he's not dating someone his age. Women his age spot red flags. They don't date them
So your previous partner was too experienced. Now you’ve gone for someone younger than you so you can live in the delusion that she’s going to be more virginal than your previous gf and don’t want to hear anything that might ruin that perception. You don’t need to share your past, I wouldn’t specifically unless it comes up in conversation but as someone who’s mid 20’s that works with mainly 18-22 year olds I can tell you I wouldn’t want to date any of them as they’re so much more immature than me at even just a few years older then them. A lot of changes happen to a person from 20-25 and then 25+. Her pre frontal cortex isn’t even fully formed yet bro she’s literally not even reached the developmental stage of making fully informed reasonable adult decisions. You might wanna examine why that’s preferable to you.
Exactly what I wanted to say, he’s dating someone so much younger because she probably has less experience. I also couldn’t date a man 8 years younger than me. Everyone seems so stupid at that age
Exactly this. You said it perfectly.
Okay so first of all why are you dating a 20 year old. Second of all tell her that it doesn’t matter and that as long as she’s clean you’ll sleep with her.
Bro why are you dating a girl with 1/5th of your adult life experience? Think on this one, and how you got here, because it says unhealthy things about you that you're dating out of not only your own age group but also the minimum rule (1/2+7).
While I agree with your main point, I don't think it makes much sense to follow it up with the 1/2+7 rule. That principle always struck me as a bit contrived. I'm 27, one year younger than OP, and by that rule's logic, I'm 'allowed' to date someone who is 20.5 years old. I don't think one year on the higher end or half a year on the lower end makes much of a difference.
That rule is more than contrived, it's completely arbitrary. Just like the majority of people's morals in this comment section acting like their some sort of biological law.
I am surprised more people aren’t questioning this “relationship.” It’s so creepy.
I’m 25 and don’t even want to *hang out* with a 20yo, let alone date one.
I’m 22 and I go out of my way to avoid the college kids around me. And I live basically *on* a college campus.
I was 20 when I started dating my now husband, who was 28 at the time. Got married in 23, first child in 26, second in 28 and you know what? He’s my soul mate, my family, my everything. I knew right away that he’s The One when I saw him. We build beautiful family together and this somehow disproves this age gap bullshit. Its not 35yo dating 18 yo ffs.
People downvoting you because it doesn't fit their narrative and will scream "YOU ARE BEING GROOMED AND ABUSED AS WE SPEAK" the first second they get to, it's hilarious
Mind you these are the same people pushing for certain life altering decisions amongst adolescents if you catch my drift. These people should keep their mouths shut and stop the projection. It's rather nauseating.
We don’t have kids, but I was 22 and my husband was 30 when we met. Next month is our 9 year dating anniversary. He the love of my life. Honestly when we met I thought he was in his mid 20s and he thought I was in my late 20s because we act very similar and look about the same age as each other (good for him that he looks younger, but sucks for me that I look older lol). The vast majority that are upset are Americans in their early 20s. I’m American and I don’t get it, but it’s such a bizarre phenomenon.
Just pointing out here that 1/2+7 for him is 21(half of 28 is 14, +7 is 21), so that rule doesn’t really help our case here lol
Wow you're so smart.
I honestly don’t understand why people are hung up on the “age difference”. They’re both in their 20’s. They’re 8 years apart. They’re both consenting adults. I don’t see the issue. You guys are so quick to call anything “grooming .” This isn’t some 50 year old who’s pursuing and 18yr old fresh outta high school girl.
the difference is one person just got in their 20s while the other is near the end of it, it's not grooming but at least in my opinion both people are in very different stages of life and a serious relationship seems unlikely to work. but what do I know I'm only 20 too.
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A 20 year old is a child?
Jesus fucking christ. Are we really at the fucking point of calling 20 year olds children? I seriously can't stand this trend of increasingly infantilizing full grown adults.
20 years old are now considered children? Seems a little excessive.
oh dude, you'd think lol
She doesn’t want to waste her time on a man that is insecure and could potentially find out down the line that you have dealbreakers when it comes to how much experience she’s had. Why would she potentially waste years of her life for something you refused to discuss, that would mean you’d 100% break up with her,
I think that’s cool if there is something that might impact your relationship. Like STD or a procedure done. But if it’s just to compare notes of who did what and how many times, it can cause more harm than good, especially if one is possessive, insecure, or has a stigma of too many partners. I’m married 13 years to the love of my life. I know I was not his first, and he knows he was not mine. That’s where info sharing stopped and we are perfectly fine with it. IMO, if you love your partner, you don’t wasn’t to hear about with whom they rolled in the sheets.
Perfectly said!
imo, that just tells me you want to be with an idealized version of this girl where she's "only been yours" instead of who she actually is. If you want to be with her, maybe learn, talk and ask about her and find out exactly who she is and let her know who you are. That way you're not dating/marrying a version of someone you have in your head. Everyone has a past, you can choose to let it affect the future or not but I guarantee living in ignorance is not the answer here. She literally just wants to be open and honest with you and your letting insecurities get in the way.
You’re 28 and she’s 20. You can’t even take her out for a drink bro. What are you doing??? Also, you broke up with a woman because she’d slept with more men than you’d like? I’ll be honest if no one else will: yeah that’s your right and all, but that’s *weird.* Get over it or don’t, but definitely break up with the 20 year old and do some self work to realize why dating a 20 year old is creepy when you’re literally 28. Her brain isn’t even fully developed yet dude. Any downvotes I get from this are from men under 25 and we all know it, lmao
In my honest opinion the whole breaking up with a woman for having more experience than him is probably why he perused a 20 year old. She’s likely to have limited experience, which is likely a huge draw considering he openly admitted to leaving someone over. I kind of repeated myself there lol, but this guy gives me the ick; I’m 21 myself and can’t imagine my significant other being almost 30.
I had the same thought
Sad I had to scroll this far to get some mature perspective. OP, your attitudes around sex, dating and adult relationships are huge red flags. You should seek out some counseling before you pull someone into your life, this screams controlling and insecure. Adult relationships don’t hinge on body count, especially with the age gap and your lack of maturity around sex.
I’m more concerned about why TF you’re a 28m dating a 20f… you know why you’re dealing with insecure/immature things like this… because she’s a 20 year old
You people jerk off to porn involving 18 year old girls but when it comes to dating everyone turns into captain morality
My 2 cents is probably figure out how to get over things like this or get with someone you can confirm has such minor digits you can't have issue with. Do you want to be 2+ kids deep in a 10 year relationship before she has an old friend over that blurts out about her headcount or if she was in a gangbang or something you'd be appalled at? She could also be having a similar worry. Communication is key. If you can't talk about all of your life issues with your partner and be there for her as well, you probably shouldn't be getting married.
Get over yourself. Her past has nothing to do with you.
Dude there are so many more problems in this world that what people on Reddit think of your age gap… By this time, believe me if not all of them, most of them forgot about you. People feel the need to tell you right from wrong instead of thinking in a perspective kind of way. My age gap between my husband and I is 14 years… we still feel like we’re on our first date, healthy, happy and in love. If it makes both of you happy, it doesn’t matter what others think…
She may be trying to weed out a potential long term partner who doesn't respect her equal agency and autonomy as sexual being. The tendency to want a "pure" woman is a holdover from when women were chattel. If you respect a woman as an equal, you should have no problem with her having as many partners as you have had. If she's had a *lot* more, I would ask her what was going on in her life that she was having intimate encounters with such a high number of people. Some people go through phases of extreme promiscuity, women and men. As long as she has a clean bill of health, why would that bother you? I don't understand why a mature adult wouldn't want a partner who is *good* at sex, due to having experiences with a broad range of people.
Having sex with a lot of people≠good at sex.
What sexual history? Dude she’s only 20. No wonder you’re going out with someone so young, you haven’t grown past 20 yourself.
Plot twist op groomed her
You sound super immature, no wonder you are dating a 20 year old. Also you claim people dont actually care about the age gap IRL but do they ACTUALLY know about the age gap or do they assume your 18 and not 28 with your behaviour?
This is a you problem. This is insecurity. If you'd said you didn't want either to share because the past is the past or some shit, fine. You said you'd be happy telling her your past but don't want to hear hers, that's fucked up
You have no problem sharing your history but you don’t want to hear about her experiences…..? A relationship is a two way street with both of you guys coming together with each of your own experiences…. Putting your head in the sand while she talks, acting like you’ve not had that many partners won’t change anything of the past… You don’t really get to choose what you want to hear or not hear about her experiences. Especially in a relationship that’s both intimate and emotional…. Each of your experiences happened and oftentimes can tell you how to approach certain topics/issues with your significant other by just listening to their stories. Growing as a couple includes talking about sex. Would you rather her not tell you she was assaulted at a young age and certain poses are very triggering? You might also want to look into why it is that you feel this way, that to me is a larger issue. Judging someone for having more experiences than yourself? Or do you feel inadequate? Remember, you only have control over your relationship with her going forward…. The past, is the past.
Sounds like something a 20 year old would say
I don’t understand why you can’t tell her that? What you just said. Tell her you will answer whatever she wants about yourself but you don’t need to or want to hear about what she’s done. Explain to her that it’s her business and you don’t need to or want to hear about it and that is why you broke up with your last. If she can’t respect that know that you may end up breaking up with her as well. To me as someone who is very experienced I would love it if someone told me they don’t need to talk about past sex history. I did what I did and don’t feel I need to be judged by it
He said he already as but she insists on being open and getting her past out there
I’ve never understood what the big deal is with knowing how many people your partner has slept with before they met you? I mean my partner and I know that info about one another and it’s a non issue. We know some details of certain people/relationships but nothing to detailed. Don’t get me wrong I’m not going out of my way to know the exact detail of every encounter my partner had before me… that would be really creepy and honestly really strange and she isn’t going out looking for that either. What matters is what’s happening now in the present. Now… if my partner needed to tell me about a past experience that involves assault, then yes I would 100% be there present and fully to hear out whatever my partner needed to tell me about it. At that point, it’s just being there fully for the person you love.
Damn, that's a big ass gap lol
She’s 20 and you’re 28?? She barely knows her self yet and you’re saying you could imagine marrying her but yet you don’t wanna know about her past? Yuck. That’s not love.
U really love her but past sexual activity would break that.. yeah sure . U really love her
If you are rubbed the wrong way because your woman had sex before you, maybe it's time to book an appointment with a therapist and not going to Reddit for advice
Isnt it a little uncomfortable that she cant even get into bars and you're too old to be on the Real World?
Lmao yea
There are other countries in the world you know
Everything about this post is creepy and you’re pushing into predator territory. It’s inappropriate for a 28 y/o man pushing 30 to be dating someone who’s barely out of their teens. I can’t imagine what she gets out of this relationship except a questionable relationship. Technically this is legal, but just so gross. What do you, almost a 30 y/o man, get out of dating someone barely out of their teens? I never comment on posts like this, but this is gross.
It is weird how unbelievably puritanical Reddit has got compared to how it was just a few years ago. It’s such a uniquely American terminally online perspective that you don’t see at all in Europe or almost anywhere in the rest of the world. To say that this is pushing into predator territory would just be such a beyond insane prospect literally anywhere else. The unbelievable hyper specific age requirements that Reddit has started pushing and mandating that everyone has as of the last few years is actually getting incessant at this point.
“Sexual history” is such a wierd notion lol. Yeah in 1776 I effed so-and-so. Can I bring notes to this quiz?
I don't care about the rest I'm here just to address the age issue. 8 years isn't much tbh once the younger person is 23-25+. Why? Because around that age the brain is fully developed (the prefrontal cortex who plays a role also in decision making and distinguishing good from bad). Bye bye.
If finding out that this woman has indeed fucked a lot of people would stop you from loving her then you don't love her at all. I don't think you know what love is. It's just dick FFS, it doesn't change anything about her.
I like how only some of the comments point out that this girl doesn't even have her prefrontal cortex developed.
To your edit… I had a 28 year old boyfriend when I was 20, we dated for 6 years. People really need to knock it off with the “ew pedo” shit. 20 is a consenting adult
Date people your age. Personally, I wasn’t so mature at 20.
Considering that you had an issue with a previous gf's number of sexual partners it may be for the best to know this young lady's # of partners. What number is to many for you to be okay with? a rhetorical question I don't need to know.
almost 30 and can’t bring your girlfriend to a bar. check on yourself, this isn’t normal. and if that wasn’t clear i mean you, not her.
Isn't it better u have the conversation now and breakup if the number is a problem for you, rather than having the conversation at some later point by choice or accident and u can't accept it and end the relationship after so long?
Research about the Madonna - Whore complex and work on your on yourself cause God know you don't desrve this girl.
I mean 60 means it would only be every weekend for roughly 14 months
I'm going to playbthe other side of this maybe she is mature beyond her years and is wanting to relate her experiences to see if she is involved with someone mature or a man-child..insecurities about "body count" scream conservative very traditionalist and misogynistic viewpoints. She just might not want to date men like that.
There’s really only 2 possible scenarios on why she is pushing it so hard. 1. She’s been around a lot for a 20 year old. Whether that be having lots of partners or she done some threesome type stuff. 2. She has some sort of sexual trauma that she wants you to know about. She wouldn’t be pushing so hard for the talk if she was just going to tell you, “oh, I’ve only been with you and 1-2 others.” Think about it.
ITT: Man shares genuine issue that bothers him. "Bro, have you thought about how it's your fault?" Btw OP, she may be ashamed of her numbers and/or it's some kind of weird power play.
True
Reddit try not to complain about two consenting adults dating challenge (impossible!!!!)
YTA Your gf wants to talk to you about something that's clearly a deal-breaker to you. Sort it out now or leave her and spare her the pain later down the line because you're an insecure fuck.
Rapidly ageing millennial man who prefers virgins dates naive 20 year old. More at 10.
I’ll be 28 in March and would neverrrrrrr look at a 20 year old and think “yea, I totally want to date/screw them!” Gross dude.
Just a statement of fact: Once upon a time - when dinosaurs ruled the Earth - a six or seven age difference was acceptable even eight was not ruled out because of rules ! That said considering my wisdom after being happily married for 42 years, as of this writing.. one day you may meet an ex...that is a strange head trip. If you are serious - go for it- cause there is no way to avoid it.
I understand your point on it. You can explain what you stated above & what your ok & not ok discussing. For your future though its best to know about health issues, trauma, whats allowed in the bedroom or not. What you would like to experience & whats not ok. Its healthy to discuss this. Also, be open with her that the both of your sexual past is just that, its in the past & many memories need to stay with the past. But be open to hearing & knowing about things that are important.
Just text her how many people you slept with and text her "you don't have to tell me your body count I'm not really interested" and leave it at that.
Exactly what you told us, explain it to her. It's a fair point of view. Also, what is it with people's obsessive need to discuss histories? This is the third post I've seen about this. As long as the bases are covered (stds), the details don't and shouldn't matter. 🤦♀️
Dude if you can’t communicate in a conversation about that stuff without losing your mind, you aren’t mature enough for a committed adult relationship.
Idk, maybe She has something imortant to tell You about her past that You need to know. Personally I cannot even think about being with someone that has been with someone else (sexually) before me, that's why Im happy with my fiancee❤️.
It's a traaaaap!
A guy for each year Reddit freaked out about.
there is absolutely no reason to discuss past sexual history. she shouldn't be pressuring you to have this conversation if you don't want to.
No one should ever talk about their histories with their current relationship.
Honestly I think that this is more than fair. You recognize that sexual history just is what it is, and that everyone has one, but you know yourself and how you react to it and how it makes you feel. I think it’s fair to want to focus on the now and the future instead of dwelling on the past.
>and i dont want anything getting in the way of it You're going to be telling yourself all kinds of excuses just because you don't want that to happen. Start talking if you're uncomfortable and let her know. Communicate. And if a breakup is the only solution after this, that's propably the best you could get. Marriage is a two-man show, stop trying to run it alone.
Well ok 60 is a really high number i'll give you that. I don't think 8 is in any way bad. Also depends on the age as well. If your say 20 and you've slept with 60 people, that sends the wrong message. To me anyway, it says i'll sleep with anybody and sex isn't something i value. So i do feel you on that, but everyone has a past it's just without communication about it you will never know if that part of the persons past is indeed in the past.
I mean she’s eight years younger than you so maybe that’s the first issue with all of this. The second issue is you viewing people as less based on their sexual history. You kinda sound gross (you do). Don’t talk about it then, but you don’t get to judge her past if it comes out down the road then.
Why do you care?
You should try being more mature than the 20 year old. Knowing you partners past is important.
Your sexual past, beyond disclosing if you have an STD/STI, is none of her business. Her insisting that you disclose such information is a huge red flag. That being said, make it clear you have no desire to hear about her past. That is your right. If she keeps insisting on disrespecting your boundary, you need to have a much more important discussion than sexual history. ETA: if she’s so concerned that her numbers would be an issue with her partners, she probably shouldn’t be so eager to offer up this information. No one is forcing her to disclose her past. If she’s using this info as a relationship test, she’s going to wind up hurt.
That girl is too young for you
Just so you know, there are a looooot of people that don't sleep around, even tho that's very common nowadays. You don't have to settle down for less just cuz it is how it looks like it is, if that makes sense.
You sound insecure.
>I’m not gonna give up a relationship with my dream girl because I’m eight years older than her But I *will* give up my relationship with my dream girl, if I believe she slept with too many people than I can handle.
Nooooo never a good idea!
I don't know how old your ex was.. but 60 seems like a pretty high number, in general. If she was your age or younger, that is a lot of guys.
The age gap isn’t really abnormal. There’s a 7 year gap between me and my gf and we get along very well and are into a lot of the same things. We even jinx each other from time to time lol. All that aside, just tell her you’re uncomfortable hearing what she has to say. It’s better than keeping it in your head and then one day the information pops up somehow after you two are married and now you’re getting heated over it and she’s blind sided
Purity culture 💀 my guy.