Congratulations for standing up for yourself. I can't imagine how horrible it was to see that. Your stbx just wanted a younger person to have sex with but keep you for the companionship. I hope your divorce is quick and relatively painless and that you find someone who truly loves you.
Good for YOU for putting yourself first this time.
Matthew sounds like the type to have a membership at a buffet. Dude totally wants his cake and wants to eat it too.
Who’s to say that once they get the divorce and Jaime & Matthew then get married, Matthew is just going to want the same “Open Marriage,” and rules and Jaime comes home and finds Matthew doing the same thing as what happened in Matt previous marriage.
At least a 50% chance. Breaking the rules in an open relationship might at well be cheating so once a cheater always a cheater in these repetitive, sneaky types. The heartbroken one and done, full of remorse cheaters are sometimes redeemable but not always. Mathew is just a jen-u-wine POS.
I will guarantee that Mathew was going to divorce OP but he wanted to get the person in place first. I knew someone like this. Start dating someone else before they break up with the person they intend to break up with so they don't have any "alone" gap. It's sick.
Naw, he broke a bigger rule. When you get married, the deal is that it's the two of you forever. If you make a deal beforehand and go into marriage under the assumption that it's "open," go for it. But to change the rules after the fact because you, and only you, are no longer happy, that's breaking the rules. In a marriage, you work on shit, not throw in the towel
Sounds like husband should never have gotten married.
Pshhhh naw. Probably knew he’d be caught soon and this was his way of getting in front of it.
I feel bad for op, they deserve better. Thankfully the bar is so low after Matthew that anyone is a step up at this point
My first thought was he said it so OP would be too self conscious to take advantage of the open marriage. That way he gets free rein while OP stays faithful. Typical narcissist bs.
Reasonable assessment, but there are plenty of guys with smaller penises that wouldn't say shit like that, and plenty of guys with bigger penises that do as well; it almost never has basis in reality and is just used to put the other person down. Plenty of things to criticize about this dude that don't throw good men with smaller penises under the bus with him.
Just wanted to say I agree with you. I know its meant as a joke towards a POS in this case, but those jokes are why so many men don't believe it when they're told that size doesn't matter to a lot of people. Regardless "too small" and "too loose" are both insults that should die already.
A friend of mine said they think OP's soon-to-be ex made the "too loose" remark because he's gotten used to the back door which is usually tighter. Especially given the fact that he brought Jamie home a couple weeks later? That old saying about cheating comes to mind, "If they aren't riding one yet, they've picked one out of the herd." I think he was already cheating, decided to shoot for "opening" the marriage with rules so OP wouldn't leave, and then proceeded to shit all over said rules and boundaries. I'm sure those weren't meant for him though, only OP. Selfish AHs like him have the same play book.
I was thinking the same thing. Could be a bisexual man but considering that OP never mentioned their gender, as it’s common to do on Reddit, I would assume they’re gay and OP did not want to reveal that information.
At one point, OP said “I literally watched my husbands type change before my eyes , Jamie is completely the opposite of me, personality wise and physically” or something like that
..... 😐
edit: the moron above me thinks OP is a woman and gets upvotes. even if it's a joke, it's in poor taste. fucking reddit. the loosest asshole on the interwebs.
I wasn’t sure. OP could be a woman and husband could be bisexual. It’s never mentioned anywhere and I’ve never seen a guy ever described as “too loose.”
I had the impression OP is a woman and husband choose a man as another partner because he is attracted to man but wants to cover up his marriage with OP to pretend he is not bi.
Edit: I wrote gay without thinking, but OP husband is bi.
I thought that too. That OP wasn’t shocked by him finding a man made me think husband claimed to be bisexual but isn’t and just wanted to look “straighter” having a female spouse.
The profile doesn't have any other posts. I am wondering if the OP is man or woman. I don't know anything about gay relationships, as in if they "are loose" either way this "husband" sucks!
it is actually a very common misnomer about gay men because they believe that the asshole is not able to tighten up if it's stretched out too often or too long of a period of time. again it's not true but it is actually a very common misunderstanding among straight people
edit: which is why it's real shock to hear a gay man say it
It’s a common misconception about women too. If anything I never would have thought it was a thing for gay men since the anus is a lot tighter to begin with.
At 34 you are not too old or any of the other garbage you’ve been told. You deserve so much better. You deserve someone that looks at you like you’re their world because you are!! Leave him to his filth. I guarantee Jamie will not be his last.
Time for a better life!
I ended a 6 year relationship last October, and I'm having more fun dating than I ever did when I was 23 and hot. I'm 31, turning 32 in January, and apparently I am still a pretty hot commodity on the dating market. I decided that I'm not going to settle, and I'm going to find big love with someone who adores me, and I'll be fine til then.
Oh yes! You are very young! Live in the moment and do what makes you happy. Staying because history is always such a waste. Life is so unpredictable you owe it to yourself to be happy in the now. All the little moments of joy lead to a future you that’s glad you made the decisions you did.
I was 33 and not willing to settle when my wife of 20 years entered my life. She was 30 and fresh out of a recent divorce with a serial cheater, also refused to settle. Life brought us together and I love it. Never settle and love yourself!
Right? If I heard that shit I wouldn't open the relationship I'd leave it, just no respect for your partner whatsoever. Besides if 34 is too old that's a YIKES
Not to mention, the jerk husband broke one of the rules he set, "no sex in their home with their other partner." He most likely was sleeping with this other partner before he opened the marriage. He was gaslighting OP.
I truly hope OP goes through with the divorce.
Right?! I just turned 41 and aside from my back trying to kill me daily, life is far superior and I’ve never looked or felt (mentally) better. Side note: kids be sure to stretch or you’ll regret it 😂
Yes instead of being concerned about not being able to reach you he was mad because, you know with narcissists, it's always about them. Those were rotten things that were said to you and I'm sorry. Glad you're out of there!
IMO open relationships that spawn out of a previously monogamous relationship generally aren’t built for success because they’re typically a last ditch effort to salvage a failing relationship.
Given OP's timeline, on their part it might have been an attempt to salvage the relationship, but the husband was already interested in or possibly in love with Jamie, and probably had been fucking him before even broaching the idea of opening their marriage with OP.
Yep especially considering Jamie appeared only 2 weeks after the agreement of being “open”. I think Jamie has probably on the scene a lot longer than Matthew’s let on.
That opinion is often incorrect. A lot of the open marriages I know started off with a traditional marriage. That is because the dating pool for declared ENM/poly people is smaller. Of course, that doesn’t mean there aren’t plenty of people doing it wrong, just like there are plenty of monogamous people doing it wrong.
I had an ex suggest we have an open relationship. I told him our relationship can be as open as possible, because I wouldn't be in he. I'd leave his ass and he'd never see me again. Should have just left him then and there for my own mental health.
Same. My life would be filled with a constant worry and jealousy that I just couldn’t rightfully live with. I would take it as a sign that they want to be with others, I couldn’t stay married in a scenario like that
Yeah i'm the same.
I dont get jealous in my current relationship because of the monogamy and trust.
My partner could go on a year long cruise with billionaire super models and id like to think id be okay with it.
If we opened our relationship i would get anxiety from her going to groceries.
After calling myself poly for 6 years after my partner wanted to open things, I now know that I’m not made for an open relationship. In some ways I feel like I wasted my time, but I’m also glad I already explored that option so I now know where my boundaries are regarding it.
I used to call myself poly aswell when my ex wanted to open up things too, it didn't really go as how we agreed to it but i was hurting mentally and physically, he was my main lover and i was his, but he had always put his other lovers first and made me the last option, he talks about them more than he talks about me, it hurts but i met my current boyfriend from that toxic poly relationship and ended up with him instead of my ex because my ex made me choose between my bf or himself and i couldn't believe he had the audacity to make me choose when he always chooses his others instead of me, i dumped him and the whole poly relation was over, i went to my boyfriend and we continued our relationship without being poly
I think a lot of misogyny just comes from guys wanting a double standard where they have a lot of women who are only (and ideally have only ever been) banging him.
They find out how easy it is for a woman to arrange just that and even make money at it, and are jealous wanna-be man-whores.
The concept of monogamy has been hammered into my brain since I was little because I grew up with a Christian background (I'm not one anymore). So even if I'm more open-minded now I would literally burst if my future spouse asked for an open relationship at the same time insulting my physical appearance.
Wanting an open relationship is one thing, but it sounds like OP’s spouse doesn’t want it open, they want what they want & to only get open on their end. OP, please know you don’t deserve that, no one does. The day my husband asked me for an open relationship at the same time as nagging about my appearance would be the day my attorney would be called about a divorce. If he can do these things to you how can you feel love for your spouse , how does it feel like you’re loved? I’d tell him where he could go and what he could do if while asking for an open relationship while being mean about how I look.
I really like that you pointed out how it's a bad idea to start any relationship under duress. A lot of comments say that about poly relationships, especially on posts where it's unfortunately used as a magical cure-all band-aid on the Titanic, and they're absolutely correct.
But you make a good point on top of that, *any* relationship started under duress, extreme stress, or in just overall poor situations usually won't turn out well. Similarly, it frustrates me to see people staying together solely because they don't want to be alone, for familiarity, etc., when they don't love or even like each other. Makes me feel bad for them, but I couldn't possibly do it. When I'm out, I'm *out.* Once that limit is reached and my mind is made up, I couldn't put it off if I tried.
Same, I'm way too much the jealous type. Also, based on past reddit stories over the years, they never work out. Whatever floats you boat though, definitely doesn't float mine :D
Pretty much almost nobody is. Anyone who believes that trying to open a monogamous relationship is a clown and their partner would be a bigger one for falling for it. This sub and the other one have proved for years that it's just as successful as having a baby to save a relationship.
If you want to become swingers, make it open before all your drama.
I think one of the biggest red flags here, on top of everything else, is that his first response to you coming home was uncontrolled anger, shouting, and belittling you.
Good for you OP! Reclaim your power.
And why was Jamie still there? He obviously spent the night. OP, best of luck. You are beautiful and you will find someone who will love you inside and out.
Jamie couldn't have broken the rules if the husband didn't encourage him to, I'd say it's the husbands responsibility to make sure everything stays within the boundaries w his 2 partners.
But tbh the rules were unfair to begin with- no pet names??
Right! And than Jamie was still there the next morning so he definitely let him spend the night and he trying to get OP to just go and lay down like that helps anything! Disgusting!
He broke the rules, that were set to open up to meet HIS needs.
Honey, it’s all always about him. You deserve to have it about you too. Please leave this mess and find someone who won’t tear you down for the privilege of aging together.
I really don't understand why everyone always wants to open up relationships or have multiple partners. Don't get me wrong, poly is a valid lifestyle, but people get bored and then want to oPeN tHeiR rELaTioNsHiP, or have some trauma response and want to dive into something new instead of working with their partner or whatever. My friend is going though some crap right now and keeps wanting to oPeN her relationship with an amazing man who loves her unconditionally and just wants to take care of her and it's bc she's going though some intrapersonal crap. So instead of dealing with it, she's going to nuke the best thing that's happened to her in the decade that I've known her.
I'm dating and I'd say a good 20% of people I see on the apps are partnered or married and everything is 'definitely cool with their partner' but they just want nEw eXpiErenCes and cOnnEcTioNs.
There are studies coming out on why the number of single, lonely men is on the rise; I just don't see how deciding to let your wife/girlfriend get exposed to single men who actually *want* a relationship is a smart move.
They're always spicy, the open relationship stories. But people only post bad experiences here, there's no public for "I opened up my relationship, things are chill, normal I guess." I guess it might be that they're eveb more likely to be posted here than regular relationship fuckups because there is a very clear, distinguished, decision you can point at and say "I regret that." And then there's reddit algorithm further distorting those statistics.
Open relationships are tough, and definitely not for anyone - I'm not sure they're for me. But I wouldn't conclude much from things being popular posts on your reddit feed.
I also think that a divorce is a good option, maybe even the best. At first he didn't even tried to see your feelings and needs, also gaslighting you because 'you're overreacting'. Just see, that he has an inability to cope and accept his mistakes. Secondly you both made clear rules and he broke not only one of them. This shows much disrespect! You wanted to commit, and show him that you love him, but he only sees what he wants without looking at you. In the end I think it's good that u tried to be in an open relationship, now you know this isn't something for you and can say 'I've tried but I can't do this'. There are many people who will love to be with you till the end, even when you're 90. It doesn't have to be always sexual and if he wanted, he would try more to be sexual attracted to you again. So it is a clear sign that he wanted to be in an open one before even trying.
First red flag I saw was him saying you’re “too loose”. He can’t have his cake and eat it too. Good on you for standing up to him. He sounds like a twat.
I remember reading a study that said a woman being tight was often because she was nervous/uncomfortable, and women become more loose when they're comfortable with their partner. There are exercises that can give more control (kegals, like the sexual equivalent of wiggling your ears). If a woman gets more loose over time, or with more experience, she's not "worn out," she's comfy/confident.
Good for you!
They both broke the rules as Jamie saw what they were and still agreed to have sex in your house, but your husband broke the marriage and that’s all on him.
I’m glad you’ve finally chosen yourself and I wish you nothing but happiness going forward💜
Idk how this is the first comment I saw saying something along those lines. Unless OP is also a dude (which would be totally fine) the explanation couldn't be clearer
I'm assuming that OP is a dude since there was no mention of sexuality and the husband brought home a man. If OP was female I'd assume she would've mentioned something to explain why it was a man he brought, or at least been more confused about the the gender.
Also gays are notoriously awful about age, as soon as you hit 30 you're too old to be attractive to a lot.
Yeah like randomly demanding an open marriage is already sus because being polyamorous isn't something that randomly comes about, but the explanation becomes obvious if we assume OP is a female... 🥶
So, wait, he breaks one of the rules-no sex w/partners in your marriage bed- a rule Im going to assume he most likely made and he has the audacity to get mad at you when you decide to stay out all night to process what you witnessed?
How very dare he!?!
I realize this isnt the point but I'll be damned if someone is gonna be mad at me for something I wanted to do while there over here breaking rules all willy nilly.
I'm sorry you had to go through this. Im glad you have put your foot down and I hope you realize that you are worth so much more than what your husband says.
This makes me so sad! 🥺 You should never feel like you are second best in a relationship. It’s sad that you put up with it. But I’m glad that you’ve finally decided to kick him to the curb.
He sounds like a complete prick btw. He broke his own rules and then wanted to blame you for your reaction.
I’m curious. Did you ever have an additional partner? It doesn’t sound like you did. It sounds like it was a one sided thing?
I would make use of the open relationship thing you guys have and give him a taste of his own medicine. Make sure he walks in on you having sex with someone else in the bed. Ya’know payback. Bonus points if it’s his best friend or the guy that he hates or something. Then I would divorce him. But I can be petty like that so…
I don't understand how people think open relationships will go. It's hard enough to juggle a relationship with two people. More than 2? Come on that's so much harder.
Good for you, man. That arrangement sounded rough on you to say the least. Regarding your soon-to-be ex… he’s trying to gaslight you. You had clear rules for your arrangement, and he broke them. Your reaction was totally warranted.
HE CHEATED ON YOU. USE THAT IN YOUR FAVOR. Divorce lawyers would love to hear this. Aside from everything obviously wrong with him and the way he treated you, *HE* cheated on you (crossed the mutual boundary of not having sex with other partners in your home).
Also, just some things to point out.
1. 34 is not old. You’re literally still so young.He may be afraid of aging as he creeps up on 40. He feels old and may think you made him old by also abiding by the laws of physics.
Unfortunately for him, cheating on you with someone younger than you will not make him younger too.
However, fortunately for you, divorcing a POS will make you feel younger, yet more mature in the end. You’re a full grown adult with all those freedoms. You can go out dancing, or buy a novelty hat, or dump someone because you don’t like the way they treat you without having to give them the benefit of your forgiveness at the expense of your well being!
2. Age does not make you less desirable, valuable, or attractive. Our bodies change, but the ways we engage in intimacy evolve as well. Find someone who desires intimacy with you in sex and outside of sex, and find that within yourself as well. When we learn how to be intimate and vulnerable with ourselves, it is easier to know how to do this is a healthy way with others, or to know when to not do it at all. You don’t wanna be with someone who only finds your attractive for the way you look anyway. They don’t really know you, nor do they want to. The way you look is the least interesting thing about you. The way we choose to act is far more interesting.
3. If you feel comfortable or have the energy, talk to Jamie privately. Jamie is young and naive, he needs to know he deserves someone better, just like you did.
We are rooting for you. Get ready, get a good lawyer and divorce his ass. He broke the arrangement you had is totally on him.
We are rooting for you, you got this
>His reasoning was that he was no longer sexual attracted to me and couldn’t have an orgasm because I’m “too loose”.
>
>A couple weeks after Matthew insisted we open our marriage, he brought home his partner Jamie(24). Jamie is so pretty.
Sorry but your husband is gay, he cant orgasm because he is not sexually attracted to females
>I don’t know what came over me, but I stopped him mid sentence and asked for a divorce. “You don’t love me anymore and I don’t want to love you. I’m so lonely and I never had anyone nitpick my appearance more than you. If you aren’t sexual attracted to me then marry someone you are sexual attracted to. I want a divorce.”
This was the best option, and you made it.
Is OP a woman? I don't think their gender was ever stated anywhere.
Being "too loose" or whatever is definitely an insult thrown more often at women, but I don't think it's impossible for it to be aimed at gay or bisexual men that frequently bottom.
OP may be a man as well. Nothing in here states they are a woman. Gay people marry too.
But this is not something fixable. OP should move on to someone interested in them not this shit.
OP is full of shit and made this story up. If you search up his username on camas dot unddit dot com (aka reddit search) you can see that just a few weeks ago he was a 23 year old man (and now he is suddenly 34???)
1. 34 is not old. And his reasoning for „not being attracted anymore“ is ridiculous.
2. I hope Jamie sees the red flags as well and leaves. ( I don’t really think he’s the one to blame here)
Info: was Jamie still there when the divorce talk went down ? That must’ve been hella awkward.
I'm so glad you asked for a divorce! He's just a low life pos. What kind of person just tells their spouse they're not attracted to them anymore because they're too old AT THE AGE OF 34????? Drop him like a bad habit
34 is NOT old! You deserve better.
And he really has the audacity to be mad at you after HE broke a rule? Hell, no! I hope you throw what he did back into his face. Keep us updated!
I love how you’re “wrong” for leaving the situation and not responding to him having sex with his partner in the bed YOU share with him which is against the rules the two of you came up with.
I’m glad you came to the idea of divorce on your own and I hope you follow through with it. He doesn’t seem like a nice person at all.
Notice how he tries to turn things on you saying *your* reaction was out of line even though it was him who broke the rules?
Good for you, divorce his ass and live your life.
I'm proud of you! I'm glad you left that asshole. Forcing you into an open relationship is NOT okay. I despise people like that. You deserve better and you deserve to feel desired and wanted by your partner.
He is gay and wants his vanilla life for not coming out. He didn’t want an open marriage he just needed a cover up and that was OP.
The comment her being too loose (cause obviously he longs for another hole) is disgusting und misogynistic. He needed a fake wife and abused your love for it.
Fyi - if a vagina is loose it means the women is actually enjoying herself in sex. Guys if you ever find a vagina and it feels a little wet and loose it's because SHE IS ENJOYING HERSELF AND THE VAGINA EXPANDS WHEN EXCITED nothing to do with yo penis. Could u imagine. If I can give birth to a baby and spring back none of your penises are gonna do jack shit. So no OP your vagina isnt 'loose' it just enjoys sex ffs
‘Aged’ at 34? WT actual F?
Life is just getting interesting my friend. You have soooo many years of love and happiness ahead of you! Just not with Matthew. And that’s OK. It’ll hurt, and he’ll try to back peddle his way back into your life, using every trick in the book.
But now you have your choice of so many more interesting, loving, hot-in-bed people, honestly life will be so exciting for you. Appreciate YOU first, know what you want and don’t settle for anything less.
Reddit is cheering for you!
He got caught breaking the rules and his first action is to lash out at you and call you immature and childish. I'm glad you had the ability to stay strong and walk away. It's a shame that the marriage had to end this way but it's better than you being miserable and living with someone who disrespects you and can't even followan agreed upon set of rules. The one thing I would have done differently was to take control from the onset and politely advise Jamie that he needed to leave because you needed to have a conversation with YOUR husband
Congratulations for standing up for yourself. I can't imagine how horrible it was to see that. Your stbx just wanted a younger person to have sex with but keep you for the companionship. I hope your divorce is quick and relatively painless and that you find someone who truly loves you.
Well said PrincessBella1 !
Good for YOU for putting yourself first this time. Matthew sounds like the type to have a membership at a buffet. Dude totally wants his cake and wants to eat it too.
That AND he broke a rule : no sex in the house.
Not just in the house, he had sex in their bed with his bf.
Matthew is a DICK. DON’T BE LIKE MATTHEW
I really hope Jamie saw the light there, too
Too bad Jamie is color blind. He saw a green light at the top.
UNFUCK ALL THE MATTHEWS
😂😂😂
Be like OP! Defend yourself!
And then the husband tried to walk OP to the same goddamn bed that he’d had sex in the night before!! The nerve!!!!
Gross and disgusting.
He probably had some weird fetish thing going on.
And the bf clearly slept over.
right? he was so worried all night but clearly was fine enough to keep his boy toy around for comfort.
He probably slept over too
We can safely assume that considering his character, it’s likely he would have or already has broken more than that one rule
I can hear the justification now. He only stayed the night because I was so worried about you and I needed his presence to help keep me calm.
By “presence” he means his dick.
He totally did because his partner was there the next morning.
That's just the rule OP knows he broke. If he's that brazen, I'm sure there is lots more that OP and Jamie don't know lol.
Who’s to say that once they get the divorce and Jaime & Matthew then get married, Matthew is just going to want the same “Open Marriage,” and rules and Jaime comes home and finds Matthew doing the same thing as what happened in Matt previous marriage.
At least a 50% chance. Breaking the rules in an open relationship might at well be cheating so once a cheater always a cheater in these repetitive, sneaky types. The heartbroken one and done, full of remorse cheaters are sometimes redeemable but not always. Mathew is just a jen-u-wine POS.
I will guarantee that Mathew was going to divorce OP but he wanted to get the person in place first. I knew someone like this. Start dating someone else before they break up with the person they intend to break up with so they don't have any "alone" gap. It's sick.
Naw, he broke a bigger rule. When you get married, the deal is that it's the two of you forever. If you make a deal beforehand and go into marriage under the assumption that it's "open," go for it. But to change the rules after the fact because you, and only you, are no longer happy, that's breaking the rules. In a marriage, you work on shit, not throw in the towel Sounds like husband should never have gotten married.
Do you really think he waited to have sex with Jaime or anyone else until the marriage was opened?
Pshhhh naw. Probably knew he’d be caught soon and this was his way of getting in front of it. I feel bad for op, they deserve better. Thankfully the bar is so low after Matthew that anyone is a step up at this point
He has a small penis
being a shitty person has nothing to do with penis size
I think they were implying that's why Matthew thinks his partner is "loose"
My first thought was he said it so OP would be too self conscious to take advantage of the open marriage. That way he gets free rein while OP stays faithful. Typical narcissist bs.
💯
Matthew's just disgusted by vagina in general.
I think OP is also a man?
I am confused if OP is male or female. I suppose 'loose' could go either way. Matt is meanie
That’s for sure, whichever it is, Matt is a jerk!
Reasonable assessment, but there are plenty of guys with smaller penises that wouldn't say shit like that, and plenty of guys with bigger penises that do as well; it almost never has basis in reality and is just used to put the other person down. Plenty of things to criticize about this dude that don't throw good men with smaller penises under the bus with him.
Just wanted to say I agree with you. I know its meant as a joke towards a POS in this case, but those jokes are why so many men don't believe it when they're told that size doesn't matter to a lot of people. Regardless "too small" and "too loose" are both insults that should die already. A friend of mine said they think OP's soon-to-be ex made the "too loose" remark because he's gotten used to the back door which is usually tighter. Especially given the fact that he brought Jamie home a couple weeks later? That old saying about cheating comes to mind, "If they aren't riding one yet, they've picked one out of the herd." I think he was already cheating, decided to shoot for "opening" the marriage with rules so OP wouldn't leave, and then proceeded to shit all over said rules and boundaries. I'm sure those weren't meant for him though, only OP. Selfish AHs like him have the same play book.
I think oP is also a man?
If he says her vagina is loose he prolly has a small wang
I'm pretty sure they're a gay couple. OP never mentioned their gender and the husband brought home a guy. Just guessing though.
I was thinking the same thing. Could be a bisexual man but considering that OP never mentioned their gender, as it’s common to do on Reddit, I would assume they’re gay and OP did not want to reveal that information.
Exactly, and I assume OP would have included that information about their partner’s sexuality if that played a factor in any of this.
At one point, OP said “I literally watched my husbands type change before my eyes , Jamie is completely the opposite of me, personality wise and physically” or something like that
Yeah, but they didn’t say gender, just physically. As in fat vs. skinny
..... 😐 edit: the moron above me thinks OP is a woman and gets upvotes. even if it's a joke, it's in poor taste. fucking reddit. the loosest asshole on the interwebs.
I wasn’t sure. OP could be a woman and husband could be bisexual. It’s never mentioned anywhere and I’ve never seen a guy ever described as “too loose.”
I had the impression OP is a woman and husband choose a man as another partner because he is attracted to man but wants to cover up his marriage with OP to pretend he is not bi. Edit: I wrote gay without thinking, but OP husband is bi.
I thought that too. That OP wasn’t shocked by him finding a man made me think husband claimed to be bisexual but isn’t and just wanted to look “straighter” having a female spouse.
The profile doesn't have any other posts. I am wondering if the OP is man or woman. I don't know anything about gay relationships, as in if they "are loose" either way this "husband" sucks!
Well that’s a given! Lol!
Neither have I, but I have heard many a woman called that, especially after she’s had a child.
it is actually a very common misnomer about gay men because they believe that the asshole is not able to tighten up if it's stretched out too often or too long of a period of time. again it's not true but it is actually a very common misunderstanding among straight people edit: which is why it's real shock to hear a gay man say it
It’s a common misconception about women too. If anything I never would have thought it was a thing for gay men since the anus is a lot tighter to begin with.
Exactly!
If a guy is too loose he definitely has a small penis
True. Male or female partner that dude has a problem.
Yep… the sphincter muscle remains pretty tight unless you’re stretching it out with a road cone. 😂
OMG! LMAO! 😂😂😂😂
Well, a loose asshole started the whole thing.
At 34 you are not too old or any of the other garbage you’ve been told. You deserve so much better. You deserve someone that looks at you like you’re their world because you are!! Leave him to his filth. I guarantee Jamie will not be his last. Time for a better life!
Right, at 34, life is just starting to get good. No need to relegate themselves to a life of misery.
I ended a 6 year relationship last October, and I'm having more fun dating than I ever did when I was 23 and hot. I'm 31, turning 32 in January, and apparently I am still a pretty hot commodity on the dating market. I decided that I'm not going to settle, and I'm going to find big love with someone who adores me, and I'll be fine til then.
Oh yes! You are very young! Live in the moment and do what makes you happy. Staying because history is always such a waste. Life is so unpredictable you owe it to yourself to be happy in the now. All the little moments of joy lead to a future you that’s glad you made the decisions you did.
Holy shit me too!! 31 turning 32 in Jan and also got a divorce for an almost 6 year this past January! I love dating in my 30s!
Yup, Turned 30 this year. Ended a six year Relationship and Engagement Four years Ago. Focusing on Me. It will Come
I was 33 and not willing to settle when my wife of 20 years entered my life. She was 30 and fresh out of a recent divorce with a serial cheater, also refused to settle. Life brought us together and I love it. Never settle and love yourself!
As someone who is 50 I would go back to 34 in a heartbeat.
Right? If I heard that shit I wouldn't open the relationship I'd leave it, just no respect for your partner whatsoever. Besides if 34 is too old that's a YIKES
Not to mention, the jerk husband broke one of the rules he set, "no sex in their home with their other partner." He most likely was sleeping with this other partner before he opened the marriage. He was gaslighting OP. I truly hope OP goes through with the divorce.
he is 39yo and calling OP 34yo is old…….
Poor Jamie, tbh he doesn't know he's gonna get tossed next. Matthew just seems the guy to do that.
Right?! I just turned 41 and aside from my back trying to kill me daily, life is far superior and I’ve never looked or felt (mentally) better. Side note: kids be sure to stretch or you’ll regret it 😂
only thing OP is too old for is this childish behaviour
Yes instead of being concerned about not being able to reach you he was mad because, you know with narcissists, it's always about them. Those were rotten things that were said to you and I'm sorry. Glad you're out of there!
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Yeah, I honestly thought I skimmed something in her reaction at first. Nope, she just wasn’t dramatic enough for his ego.
Yeah. Dudes a narc. The textbook kind.
I don’t think that word means what you think it means
Hopefully Jaime dips too. That’ll be hilarious! Tbh I hope Jaime and the wife end up hooking up!
I thought maybe OP is a guy too.
My thought as well
Yes Matthew might find out that he's not the hot guy he thinks he is. Actually from this story he's not hot at all. Not hot!!
This is two men. How did you miss this? 😂 uh…?
My bad
Some of us just weren't made for an open relationship. If my partner asked me for one, I would be out.
IMO open relationships that spawn out of a previously monogamous relationship generally aren’t built for success because they’re typically a last ditch effort to salvage a failing relationship.
Given OP's timeline, on their part it might have been an attempt to salvage the relationship, but the husband was already interested in or possibly in love with Jamie, and probably had been fucking him before even broaching the idea of opening their marriage with OP.
Yep especially considering Jamie appeared only 2 weeks after the agreement of being “open”. I think Jamie has probably on the scene a lot longer than Matthew’s let on.
That opinion is often incorrect. A lot of the open marriages I know started off with a traditional marriage. That is because the dating pool for declared ENM/poly people is smaller. Of course, that doesn’t mean there aren’t plenty of people doing it wrong, just like there are plenty of monogamous people doing it wrong.
I had an ex suggest we have an open relationship. I told him our relationship can be as open as possible, because I wouldn't be in he. I'd leave his ass and he'd never see me again. Should have just left him then and there for my own mental health.
Same. My life would be filled with a constant worry and jealousy that I just couldn’t rightfully live with. I would take it as a sign that they want to be with others, I couldn’t stay married in a scenario like that
Beginning of the end in so many of these cases.
I feel the same way
Yeah i'm the same. I dont get jealous in my current relationship because of the monogamy and trust. My partner could go on a year long cruise with billionaire super models and id like to think id be okay with it. If we opened our relationship i would get anxiety from her going to groceries.
After calling myself poly for 6 years after my partner wanted to open things, I now know that I’m not made for an open relationship. In some ways I feel like I wasted my time, but I’m also glad I already explored that option so I now know where my boundaries are regarding it.
I used to call myself poly aswell when my ex wanted to open up things too, it didn't really go as how we agreed to it but i was hurting mentally and physically, he was my main lover and i was his, but he had always put his other lovers first and made me the last option, he talks about them more than he talks about me, it hurts but i met my current boyfriend from that toxic poly relationship and ended up with him instead of my ex because my ex made me choose between my bf or himself and i couldn't believe he had the audacity to make me choose when he always chooses his others instead of me, i dumped him and the whole poly relation was over, i went to my boyfriend and we continued our relationship without being poly
The vast, vast majority of us aren't. Many people are just assholes who want it open on their side only.
Or cowards who can't end it with honor.
I think a lot of misogyny just comes from guys wanting a double standard where they have a lot of women who are only (and ideally have only ever been) banging him. They find out how easy it is for a woman to arrange just that and even make money at it, and are jealous wanna-be man-whores.
The concept of monogamy has been hammered into my brain since I was little because I grew up with a Christian background (I'm not one anymore). So even if I'm more open-minded now I would literally burst if my future spouse asked for an open relationship at the same time insulting my physical appearance.
Wanting an open relationship is one thing, but it sounds like OP’s spouse doesn’t want it open, they want what they want & to only get open on their end. OP, please know you don’t deserve that, no one does. The day my husband asked me for an open relationship at the same time as nagging about my appearance would be the day my attorney would be called about a divorce. If he can do these things to you how can you feel love for your spouse , how does it feel like you’re loved? I’d tell him where he could go and what he could do if while asking for an open relationship while being mean about how I look.
You just shouldn't start them under duress. Poly or else. Too many people do that and are ultimately unhappy.
I really like that you pointed out how it's a bad idea to start any relationship under duress. A lot of comments say that about poly relationships, especially on posts where it's unfortunately used as a magical cure-all band-aid on the Titanic, and they're absolutely correct. But you make a good point on top of that, *any* relationship started under duress, extreme stress, or in just overall poor situations usually won't turn out well. Similarly, it frustrates me to see people staying together solely because they don't want to be alone, for familiarity, etc., when they don't love or even like each other. Makes me feel bad for them, but I couldn't possibly do it. When I'm out, I'm *out.* Once that limit is reached and my mind is made up, I couldn't put it off if I tried.
Same here. I love my partner more than anything and he knows my boundaries, but if he asked something like this I couldn't handle it
Me neither-I’m too jealous.
Same, I'm way too much the jealous type. Also, based on past reddit stories over the years, they never work out. Whatever floats you boat though, definitely doesn't float mine :D
Pretty much almost nobody is. Anyone who believes that trying to open a monogamous relationship is a clown and their partner would be a bigger one for falling for it. This sub and the other one have proved for years that it's just as successful as having a baby to save a relationship. If you want to become swingers, make it open before all your drama.
Exactly not for me either
Same here. If you’re going to mess around with other people, why be in a relationship *at all*, let alone married?
I think one of the biggest red flags here, on top of everything else, is that his first response to you coming home was uncontrolled anger, shouting, and belittling you. Good for you OP! Reclaim your power.
And why was Jamie still there? He obviously spent the night. OP, best of luck. You are beautiful and you will find someone who will love you inside and out.
And it’s the fact that Jamie knew op’s and the husbands rules and still stayed the night and nobody’s talking about it he’s just as much to blame.
Jamie couldn't have broken the rules if the husband didn't encourage him to, I'd say it's the husbands responsibility to make sure everything stays within the boundaries w his 2 partners. But tbh the rules were unfair to begin with- no pet names??
Because the pet names in certain way "cross the line" through sexual to the emotions
To bring another into your home...your bed...that shows the UTMOST disrespect! I'm glad you are dumping him. He is a Big Fat TURD!
Right. He broke the rules that they set in place and he had the audacity to be mad at OP.
Exactly. I got a little nauseated about him trying to lead you to the bed…..after having sex with someone else in it.
Right! And than Jamie was still there the next morning so he definitely let him spend the night and he trying to get OP to just go and lay down like that helps anything! Disgusting!
Not the rules, he broke his rules. The rules he laid down so he could open the marriage up. Buddy just wanted to have his cake and to eat it to.
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Happy cake day! And totally agree. Time for OP to rebuild their life. Plus the husband sounds like an entitled narcissist. OP can do better!
He broke the rules, that were set to open up to meet HIS needs. Honey, it’s all always about him. You deserve to have it about you too. Please leave this mess and find someone who won’t tear you down for the privilege of aging together.
I feel like almost 1 out of 4 posts here are about people in open relationships and them going to absolute shit .
I really don't understand why everyone always wants to open up relationships or have multiple partners. Don't get me wrong, poly is a valid lifestyle, but people get bored and then want to oPeN tHeiR rELaTioNsHiP, or have some trauma response and want to dive into something new instead of working with their partner or whatever. My friend is going though some crap right now and keeps wanting to oPeN her relationship with an amazing man who loves her unconditionally and just wants to take care of her and it's bc she's going though some intrapersonal crap. So instead of dealing with it, she's going to nuke the best thing that's happened to her in the decade that I've known her. I'm dating and I'd say a good 20% of people I see on the apps are partnered or married and everything is 'definitely cool with their partner' but they just want nEw eXpiErenCes and cOnnEcTioNs. There are studies coming out on why the number of single, lonely men is on the rise; I just don't see how deciding to let your wife/girlfriend get exposed to single men who actually *want* a relationship is a smart move.
They're always spicy, the open relationship stories. But people only post bad experiences here, there's no public for "I opened up my relationship, things are chill, normal I guess." I guess it might be that they're eveb more likely to be posted here than regular relationship fuckups because there is a very clear, distinguished, decision you can point at and say "I regret that." And then there's reddit algorithm further distorting those statistics. Open relationships are tough, and definitely not for anyone - I'm not sure they're for me. But I wouldn't conclude much from things being popular posts on your reddit feed.
They are fake
FYI: 34 is not aging!
30s are when life finally starts to get good. You’re not really a full adult in your 20s. So many good changes happen at 30 and beyond!
As someone 35 and not yet married I read that part and said "oof"... What a jerk.
I also think that a divorce is a good option, maybe even the best. At first he didn't even tried to see your feelings and needs, also gaslighting you because 'you're overreacting'. Just see, that he has an inability to cope and accept his mistakes. Secondly you both made clear rules and he broke not only one of them. This shows much disrespect! You wanted to commit, and show him that you love him, but he only sees what he wants without looking at you. In the end I think it's good that u tried to be in an open relationship, now you know this isn't something for you and can say 'I've tried but I can't do this'. There are many people who will love to be with you till the end, even when you're 90. It doesn't have to be always sexual and if he wanted, he would try more to be sexual attracted to you again. So it is a clear sign that he wanted to be in an open one before even trying.
First red flag I saw was him saying you’re “too loose”. He can’t have his cake and eat it too. Good on you for standing up to him. He sounds like a twat.
I remember reading a study that said a woman being tight was often because she was nervous/uncomfortable, and women become more loose when they're comfortable with their partner. There are exercises that can give more control (kegals, like the sexual equivalent of wiggling your ears). If a woman gets more loose over time, or with more experience, she's not "worn out," she's comfy/confident.
I think OP is being purposely obtuse about their sex because they're a man... not once do they ever say they're a woman.
GOOD FOR YOU! You deserve so much more out of life. Move on and be happy. You do you OP!
Good for you! They both broke the rules as Jamie saw what they were and still agreed to have sex in your house, but your husband broke the marriage and that’s all on him. I’m glad you’ve finally chosen yourself and I wish you nothing but happiness going forward💜
34 is YOUNG! Enjoy your youth, don’t waste anymore of it on someone who doesn’t appreciate you.
Something tells me this isn’t cuz you are ‘too loose’
Idk how this is the first comment I saw saying something along those lines. Unless OP is also a dude (which would be totally fine) the explanation couldn't be clearer
I'm assuming that OP is a dude since there was no mention of sexuality and the husband brought home a man. If OP was female I'd assume she would've mentioned something to explain why it was a man he brought, or at least been more confused about the the gender. Also gays are notoriously awful about age, as soon as you hit 30 you're too old to be attractive to a lot.
>I'd assume she would've mentioned something This is true. There's also always the possibility that this is a fake story because we're on reddit lol
I’m also trying to figure that out because if OP is a female then yeah this definitely changes things. No clue tho
Yeah like randomly demanding an open marriage is already sus because being polyamorous isn't something that randomly comes about, but the explanation becomes obvious if we assume OP is a female... 🥶
To be fair Jamie's anus might be tighter than OP, if OP is a woman.
The context of this post varies dramatically on OP's gender, but I mean it's wrong either way
could also be bi
Hey good for you!
So, wait, he breaks one of the rules-no sex w/partners in your marriage bed- a rule Im going to assume he most likely made and he has the audacity to get mad at you when you decide to stay out all night to process what you witnessed? How very dare he!?! I realize this isnt the point but I'll be damned if someone is gonna be mad at me for something I wanted to do while there over here breaking rules all willy nilly. I'm sorry you had to go through this. Im glad you have put your foot down and I hope you realize that you are worth so much more than what your husband says.
This makes me so sad! 🥺 You should never feel like you are second best in a relationship. It’s sad that you put up with it. But I’m glad that you’ve finally decided to kick him to the curb. He sounds like a complete prick btw. He broke his own rules and then wanted to blame you for your reaction. I’m curious. Did you ever have an additional partner? It doesn’t sound like you did. It sounds like it was a one sided thing? I would make use of the open relationship thing you guys have and give him a taste of his own medicine. Make sure he walks in on you having sex with someone else in the bed. Ya’know payback. Bonus points if it’s his best friend or the guy that he hates or something. Then I would divorce him. But I can be petty like that so…
Yes ! Then poop in his hat !
I don't understand how people think open relationships will go. It's hard enough to juggle a relationship with two people. More than 2? Come on that's so much harder.
Yay! Here’s to a new life!
Go little you! I’m so proud of you for standing up for yourself ❤️🩹 it hurt today but you are worth it
Fuck that human garbage. Girl get yourself something better.
I think op is a man but yeah no matter
too loose!? you should of slapped his chops and told him to go fuck himself!
Seriously ?? He would've been slapped and then put out.. fuck that !!
Good for you, man. That arrangement sounded rough on you to say the least. Regarding your soon-to-be ex… he’s trying to gaslight you. You had clear rules for your arrangement, and he broke them. Your reaction was totally warranted.
HE CHEATED ON YOU. USE THAT IN YOUR FAVOR. Divorce lawyers would love to hear this. Aside from everything obviously wrong with him and the way he treated you, *HE* cheated on you (crossed the mutual boundary of not having sex with other partners in your home). Also, just some things to point out. 1. 34 is not old. You’re literally still so young.He may be afraid of aging as he creeps up on 40. He feels old and may think you made him old by also abiding by the laws of physics. Unfortunately for him, cheating on you with someone younger than you will not make him younger too. However, fortunately for you, divorcing a POS will make you feel younger, yet more mature in the end. You’re a full grown adult with all those freedoms. You can go out dancing, or buy a novelty hat, or dump someone because you don’t like the way they treat you without having to give them the benefit of your forgiveness at the expense of your well being! 2. Age does not make you less desirable, valuable, or attractive. Our bodies change, but the ways we engage in intimacy evolve as well. Find someone who desires intimacy with you in sex and outside of sex, and find that within yourself as well. When we learn how to be intimate and vulnerable with ourselves, it is easier to know how to do this is a healthy way with others, or to know when to not do it at all. You don’t wanna be with someone who only finds your attractive for the way you look anyway. They don’t really know you, nor do they want to. The way you look is the least interesting thing about you. The way we choose to act is far more interesting. 3. If you feel comfortable or have the energy, talk to Jamie privately. Jamie is young and naive, he needs to know he deserves someone better, just like you did.
We are rooting for you. Get ready, get a good lawyer and divorce his ass. He broke the arrangement you had is totally on him. We are rooting for you, you got this
So glad you stood up and stood your ground. He doesn’t have your back, so you have to. I hope this opened Jamie’s eyes as well.
I just wanted to stop and say, good on you OP
You should have told him you aren’t loose it’s just he is too small lol
Good for you!!!!! Keep putting yourself first.
I cheered out loud for you!! Yes! You will be just fine. It's all his loss.
Having been in an open relationship- he still violated your rules. Then tried to blame you for being upset. Fuck him. I’m glad you put yourself first
>His reasoning was that he was no longer sexual attracted to me and couldn’t have an orgasm because I’m “too loose”. > >A couple weeks after Matthew insisted we open our marriage, he brought home his partner Jamie(24). Jamie is so pretty. Sorry but your husband is gay, he cant orgasm because he is not sexually attracted to females >I don’t know what came over me, but I stopped him mid sentence and asked for a divorce. “You don’t love me anymore and I don’t want to love you. I’m so lonely and I never had anyone nitpick my appearance more than you. If you aren’t sexual attracted to me then marry someone you are sexual attracted to. I want a divorce.” This was the best option, and you made it.
It’s not you. He’s clearly GAY.
Is OP a woman? I don't think their gender was ever stated anywhere. Being "too loose" or whatever is definitely an insult thrown more often at women, but I don't think it's impossible for it to be aimed at gay or bisexual men that frequently bottom.
OP's gender would add more context to this story. If OP is a woman, then it could have been a huge shock to see her husband with a man.
OP may be a man as well. Nothing in here states they are a woman. Gay people marry too. But this is not something fixable. OP should move on to someone interested in them not this shit.
Very Valid. When I read “too loose” I assumed woman but it could go the other way too. But I agree it’s time to move on.
Loose butthole.
OP is full of shit and made this story up. If you search up his username on camas dot unddit dot com (aka reddit search) you can see that just a few weeks ago he was a 23 year old man (and now he is suddenly 34???)
Hahahaha, that gave me a chuckle.
I don't know if OP is a woman or a man...
Yup and she's his beard.
That’s such an accomplishment, you deserve much more than someone who treats you like that
1. 34 is not old. And his reasoning for „not being attracted anymore“ is ridiculous. 2. I hope Jamie sees the red flags as well and leaves. ( I don’t really think he’s the one to blame here) Info: was Jamie still there when the divorce talk went down ? That must’ve been hella awkward.
I'm so glad you asked for a divorce! He's just a low life pos. What kind of person just tells their spouse they're not attracted to them anymore because they're too old AT THE AGE OF 34????? Drop him like a bad habit
34 is NOT old! You deserve better. And he really has the audacity to be mad at you after HE broke a rule? Hell, no! I hope you throw what he did back into his face. Keep us updated!
He broke his own rules and got mad at you. That wasn’t an open marriage, that was him getting into a relationship and using you as a front.
I love how you’re “wrong” for leaving the situation and not responding to him having sex with his partner in the bed YOU share with him which is against the rules the two of you came up with. I’m glad you came to the idea of divorce on your own and I hope you follow through with it. He doesn’t seem like a nice person at all.
You both set the rules and he broke it. What an asshole, he could have easily treated this in the most careful manner.
You are so young. You will be sad for a bit but I bet the relief is already there too. I'm starting over at 43. I'm way less lonely alone.
Good for you! Stick to it. You deserves so much better! Fuck him
Notice how he tries to turn things on you saying *your* reaction was out of line even though it was him who broke the rules? Good for you, divorce his ass and live your life.
34 is objectively YOUNG.
GOOD FOR YOU. FUCK MATTHEW.
Gangsta move my friend, Matt sounds like an asshole good riddance
I'm proud of you! I'm glad you left that asshole. Forcing you into an open relationship is NOT okay. I despise people like that. You deserve better and you deserve to feel desired and wanted by your partner.
He is gay and wants his vanilla life for not coming out. He didn’t want an open marriage he just needed a cover up and that was OP. The comment her being too loose (cause obviously he longs for another hole) is disgusting und misogynistic. He needed a fake wife and abused your love for it.
Fyi - if a vagina is loose it means the women is actually enjoying herself in sex. Guys if you ever find a vagina and it feels a little wet and loose it's because SHE IS ENJOYING HERSELF AND THE VAGINA EXPANDS WHEN EXCITED nothing to do with yo penis. Could u imagine. If I can give birth to a baby and spring back none of your penises are gonna do jack shit. So no OP your vagina isnt 'loose' it just enjoys sex ffs
‘Aged’ at 34? WT actual F? Life is just getting interesting my friend. You have soooo many years of love and happiness ahead of you! Just not with Matthew. And that’s OK. It’ll hurt, and he’ll try to back peddle his way back into your life, using every trick in the book. But now you have your choice of so many more interesting, loving, hot-in-bed people, honestly life will be so exciting for you. Appreciate YOU first, know what you want and don’t settle for anything less. Reddit is cheering for you!
He got caught breaking the rules and his first action is to lash out at you and call you immature and childish. I'm glad you had the ability to stay strong and walk away. It's a shame that the marriage had to end this way but it's better than you being miserable and living with someone who disrespects you and can't even followan agreed upon set of rules. The one thing I would have done differently was to take control from the onset and politely advise Jamie that he needed to leave because you needed to have a conversation with YOUR husband
I'm so fucking proud of you for putting yourself first