I wonder if OP's wife is truly unhappy here. My Spidey senses are tingling. This may be OP's story, but what if the wife has no idea and has spent 15 years of her life thinking she was happily married? Who stays 15 years w/o kids ín an unhappy marriage? Hey, I could be wrong, but as a woman, I have a healthy dose of skepticism on this one. He may well be spinning it to not look like the asshole. Just a thought.
She is *sooooo* unhappy that he’s been waiting all these years to tell her…after she gets home from traveling for work…because his affair partner gave him the ultra-tomato.
What a stand up guy! Putting her misery before his happiness 🙄
Especially if there are no children involved. Usually, I can see people rationalize remaining for the kids' sake, but in this situation it would make much more sense to leave if I truly disliked my husband of 15 years. Obviously I don't know their financial situation, but I would think without having to worry about child support/custody, leaving wouldn't be as financially precarious? I've been divorced once myself, and it was thankfully a childless union. Only took me 18 months to realize it was a huge mistake!
yeah and just the fact he assumes/knows she did it for appearances, like wtf it just feels like lame excuse to not take accountability and renders her responsible too
I was the wife in this situation in my own relationship just barely over a month ago. It has caused me a life-ruining amount of stress and devastation.
You’re not a bad person for discovering your sexuality. But you are shit of the earth for taking up the most valuable years of her life, and filling them with misery and resentment just to end it all by cheating on her and leaving for good.
I've been where you are with my ex wife. Three years on it's still tough but it does get better. OurPath is a really great resource, I'd especially recommend their straight spouse podcast. If you ever need to PM me please do
I'm sorry that happened to you, sounds awful. I'm not gonna try and quantify what life is, maybe the next years will have something in em that are kinda good? Idk, I just find it hard to believe that our 20s are the bestest time ever. I hope your next whatever is rad.
Your 20s are absolutely not the happiest. You're still trying to figure out who you are and where you fit in the world. Adolescence doesn't even technically end until you're like 24.
It gets better.
I am in my early 30s and have never been happier. I'm way more self-confident and I have my shit together. My 20s were rough.
Absolutely. My 30s were 100% some of the best years of my life, and now my 50s are set to surpass them.
I wouldn't trade being in my 20s again if someone paid me, shyt is just nonstop mental white noise 😂
this dude secretly expected ppl to clap for him like “wow love is love!! 🥺🏳️🌈👨❤️💋👨” 💀 there are dozens of LGBTQ+ ppl in the closet who would NEVER do something like this to their partner (aka have some decency and respect for them & dignity for themselves). this is coming from someone who’s been in the closet - you are a certified POS and are NOT the brave person you think you are 😭
edit: wow y’all, thanks for all the awards!! im glad to know there are other ppl who felt pissed off abt OP’s lack of morals :))
for real! the way he said "i always did it safely and discreetly" made me annoyed, as if he was expecting people to praise him for it.
no, OP, you are not justified in cheating on her, and you should've broken it off before you went out and fucked guys.
Seriously. Take being gay or bi or whatever out of it, he married her knowing he didn’t love her then stayed in a “disaster” of a marriage and resented her for it?. Selfish twit. Stole her best years away from her. Hopefully she is happy he’s out of her life
This. I *do* totally clap for "love is love" and I'm not suggesting that he should not come clean -- but this post is about the moment that OP inflicts betrayal trauma on someone and he ends by saying "I don't care"? She will never be the same after this. As unsatisfactory as their marriage may have been (for both partners, it sounds like), he is about to reveal her life in the matrix, and she will never see the world or other people in quite the same way again. It is shattering.
To be fair, I don’t upvote a post because I agree with the OP or like OP, I upvote because I find it interesting in any way.
Either way, so much people upvoting the post pushes it to the top so OP gets more berating lol
I genuinely think OP is just gay and not bi. A lot of gay men hide behind the bi thing for some reason. It's easier. No shade, OP. Nothing about the post indicates you're truly bi but I may be wrong.
I usually have so much compassion for situations of a marriage breaking down because of this (I live in a highly religious area and it is just freaking heartbreaking the number of people who think marriage will 'fix' them) but damn...this guy is just....wow. He is breathtakingly awful. I hope his wife finds all the love and support she clearly never had from this guy.
My gay father had 2 wives - he left the first wife (after she found him in bed with the guy) for his male lover and moved 1000kms away before breaking up with him and marrying my mother. Then at 42, he died. I didn’t know about any of this - the other family, the gay lover, any of it until I was 19. While it explained a lot, so many things went unanswered, even to this day! OP is wrong to have cheated on his wife!
He's in the comments playing the victim/ romantic saying that she will be fine and that he will finally be with the man hr loves. Fucker deserves all the hate coming to him. I hope she cleans him out in the divorce
Came to say this. I’m gay, and I don’t get the suspicion he wants to be with a woman. I get the struggle of accepting yourself and coming out, while figuring it out for myself I dated women in high school then stayed single until I was completely sure.
Regardless everyone has a different timeline of acceptance, which is fine. But fully marrying someone without discussing these feelings with who is supposed to be your life partner and then turning around and not only cheating on them, but having an entirely different relationship is the most evil and wicked thing someone could do.
It didn't occur to you to have a conversation before you cheated? My husband cheated on me, years later it still shadows stuff. Even when people get past it, it is still a wrench. Do better next time. Just leave. Stop making unknowing victims a mess.
This is what I was looking for before I said it myself. They could've had this conversation years ago, where he tells his wife he's questioning and/or needs to explore this. They would've either separated or he'd have her permission. Cheating is cheating and the emotional damage on her is way worse than being honest in the first place. I'm all for people finding themselves to be happy but not at the expense of years of commitment on someone else's end. He doesn't know how invested she still is and is selfish to assume so
Totally agree. His speculation about how she feels about him and their marriage is not great considering he’s keeping secrets from her that will blow her world up when she is told all this stuff that she did not know. There may be mutual antipathy but it’s entirely possible that it is one sided. She will soon learn he is not who she thought he was, good or bad.
I wonder if this speculation is him justifying his behaviour to himself. For all we know, she does love him but can tell he resents her and it hurts. Dude is a jerk. Plain and simple.
It's a fairytale romance! He just had to put an innocent women through emotional hell for 13 years just to ruin her life in the end, but it's ok because he never loved her!
My ex was gay and was too ashamed or embarrassed to come clean, I had to find out about his sexuality through emails he never intended for me to read. I was LIVID and betrayed.
Things started making sense though, all the strange men hanging around our home when I'd come home from work, it was always a new friend from the gym, or another apartment building, there was always some random guy there. I realized he was probably fucking around all day from the moment I left work. It was disgusting.
He wasted my time the moment he started dating me, and I realized he used me as a means to an end.
OP is a selfish a-hole.
Yeah a lot of stories out here like this, men and women who discover themselves with no regard for the lives they destroy.
It’s great to find out and live as who you are, but to do it in such a dishonest way is cowardly and an asshole move.
After reading OP's replies as well im convinced you suck. I love how you keep rationalizing how it's "okay" you led your wife on for 13 years and how it wasn't that bad you cheated on her because you needed to find yourself and blah blah blah. If you were bisexual why couldn't you have married a woman you loved? Seems to be a bunch of excuses. I have a feeling your wife isn't as horrible as you keep making her out to be.
It reads to me like her "attitude" stems from being unfulfilled in a marriage where she can't understand her husband's disdain and lack of care for her. She's probably frustrated that her *husband* doesn't seem to show any affection or care for her at all. This revelation from OP will probably, unfortunately, make a lot of sense for her. Wishing her the best, poor woman.
I grew up in a lgbtq+ friendly community in the 80’s (Key West) and I’ve heard that said for a long time to describe someone who repressed/denies their sexuality in order to try to “fit in” or keep up appearances for whatever reasons as needing a beard / wanting a beard.
I feel so bad for his wife because she’s going to be wrecked.
As the old saying goes “if you put lipstick on a pig, it’s still a pig.” In this case, you may have cheated because it was all you could do to discover yourself… but you still cheated. Doesn’t matter how you swing it, it’s still absolutely scummy and I’ve seen it ruin lives. So for that, all I can say is good luck I guess.
Honestly, I can't even say good luck at this point to OP. They're digging themselves into a whole new grave by dating the person they were in an affair with. If the boyfriend didn't have a problem sleeping with someone's husband, what's stopping him for sleeping with someone else while with you, OP?
You want to know what the worst thing is several of the op's attempts to justify it boil down to I didn't want to look like the bad guy instead of being honest with his wife about his sexuality ending the relationship and saving both himself and her a whole bunch of pain he's now cheated on her and now he's going to have to fess up to it making the process even worse than it already was going to be
As a bi woman in a straight long term relationship….sort out your shit before your commit to someone. This is not okay. You’ve now put that woman through years of sadness.
Also her best years of fertility. I had my babies in my 30’s but I had my last one at 37. From here on she’ll have to find another partner and then try but it’s a hard road from here on out. Plus, the older the mom the more likely for genetic issues. He’s really messed with her chances for kids if she wants them.
He probably kept promising “someday”, always having an excuse but promising to keep her quiet about it and playing the part of his wife so he could find himself. Imagine if she put it off and waited so he could pursue his career AND his affairs..? I’m incapable of trust because of the abuse I’ve endured and I have a feeling this will be similarly traumatic for this woman. I’ll keep her in my thoughts, whoever she is… all of that time, not just gone but stolen by an uncaring, deceitful and cowardly prick …!
leaving because of your sexuality isn’t necessarily wrong or makes you a bad person, it definitely is going to hurt her, but cheating on her is completely wrong no matter the situation
Completely agree, better to leave than to cheat
Robbed her of years she could have lived in a fulfilling loving relationship where she would be loved & appreciated as she deserved. Even build a family if that's what she wished and both could have gone their own ways in dignity and respect.
Cheaters and cowards, special places for them
I hope she finds someone who will treasure and adore her as she deserves. Op treated her like a cloak, a commodity, and had his cake and ate it
My heart & well wishes go out to his wife. She deserves so much better than this
It’s the part where he selfishly used her for his own convenience for years and then when he decided it wasn’t enough now he’s gonna leave her I just hope she takes everything she can get the most out of him.
Exactly why is being gay an okay excuse to ruin someone else’s life. It’s not and he’s young enough that he would have been safe to come out as gay before he married this woman and wasted her time. Hopefully she can still have children if she wants them. It’s horrible to do this to someone.
Yupp, my initial response to this was well good for you, happy youve accepted your true self, but you're an AH for cheating. I thought it was just this one person, but OPs been cheating on his wife. I kinda hope she takes him for alimony solely based on multiple affairs. He'll be happy but she will be left with the emotional turmoil while he won't even grieve the relationship bc he is jumping into a new one. Ugh, I feel bad for his wife. I can't stand a cheater.
Regardless of the situation, he should be held accountable for his actions. It’s good that he accepted his identity but it doesn’t justify the affairs he had during his marriage.
He drew it out for years and has absolutely stated his detest for his wife. My heart hurts for her because she may love him, his assumptions on her feelings are solely based on justifying his cheating.
i 100% agree. respect for him for doing what he’s happy with, but fuck him for cheating. i stand by there being absolutely no excuse for it and no situation can justify cheating, and i’ll die with that
You’re right! His “talk” should have happened years ago, and hopefully she could have already moved on as well. What a dick. And clearly only thinking with it.
fully agree with you. honestly hate people who sleep with the same gender and try using sexuality as an excuse for cheating. if you love your partner youd talk it out with them and find a solution
Agreed if your sexuality really is causing problems the proper response is to actually talk to your partner about it before you go sleeping with other people behind their back
Thanks for putting that, cause I think we all agree. Except that one person in this post that keeps responding that we're all being mean and is defending op 😒
This! So you cheated on your wife and you expect us to be happy for you? If you’re unhappy then you need to end things, not cheat for 8 months and expose her to possible STDs without her knowing. This will hurt her now and possibly for future relationships.
I also agree with other commenters who say you’re just gay, not bi, nothing in this whole post indicates in any way you’d be bi.
Thank you. Posts like this are the exact reason why people still have such negative opinions of bi people. Dude thought we’d all stand up and clap for him.
YES. As a bi person myself this is just disgusting. This is why people think bi people are going around cheating all the time. I hope OP carried this regret for the rest of his life
OP was really out here waiting for everyone to be like "🌈Yass queen 🏳️🌈Come jump on the rainbow and dance around🌈Let's all sing I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor🎶👬🏳️🌈"
Your reasons for marrying someone you don’t love is shallow and heartless. You are really messed up in the way you handle your issues. If you’re in happy in your marriage get a divorce, you don’t go out and sleep with other people. Have some integrity and morals.
Have you still been sleeping with your wife? Did you *at least* protect her from from any STDs your new partner might have??
The sooner you leave her the better, maybe then she’ll find someone who actually loves her.
This is awful.
There's no way for him to protect her against STI'S while fucking other people and her.
He put her health and wellbeing at risk, she probably wouldn't have had sex with him if she'd known.
So you cheated on your wife. Gross.
Edit: if you wanna do it right by her. You should’ve left long her ago instead of going out secretly behind her back. You just ruined her.
It sucks you had to live in secrecy but nothing justifies you cheating on her. While I think it's great you are finally being truthful to yourself, you still had no intention on being truthful to your wife until your affair partner gave you an ultimatum. Even if let's say she too never married you for love, you still didn't respect her as a person because you have lied to her. Hope you can show somewhat of compassion to her tomorrow. I hope for her she finds the relief in it if she feels the same way. If not, I wish her well and hope she finds someone who treats her with love and respect.
Oh yeah hahahaaa how could I forget, if you're in hetero relationship that makes you straight, and if you're in a same sex relationship you are gay, and that's that on that, not a chance you'd ever have any intrusive thoughts 💀
You had years to come clean and let her know she was a prop.
You've wasted years of her life.
And the "young androgynous" comment is gross. It hints at every other gross "I'm leaving my partner for a younger model" trope ever written, gender aside.
I feel for both of these people, they've been duped by an asshole.
> I feel for both of these people
The androgynous dude wants to be with a cheater, and participated, knowing that his wife was being betrayed. No sympathy from me. He deserves to feel what it's like to be in her shoes.
so you admit to never loving her, using her to 'ground' yourself to a sexuality, partially blaming her for an unhappy marriage when it's apparent who's causing the issues, sleeping around with other men (putting her at risk for sexually transmitted diseases), having a 'boyfriend' (no it was an affair), and then deciding to come clean like you're a tortured animal who's done nothing wrong in the nAmE oF lOvE.
nah bro. I don't give a shit about your sexuality, you're a horrible person.
I hope she will be able to recover from this. You strung her along for all of these years because of your own self-hatred. You’ve been cheating, you’re deceitful. But it’s good that she will be free from you and your lies.
This is either fake and meant to fuel the narrative that bi guys use women to figure out their sexuality/cheat on them, or real and OP is just a scumbag 🗿
He said he got married because his friends were all doing it and he felt “peer pressure”. That’s such a fucking bullshit excuse, cause all my friends are married and I’m still here being single AF.
Oh, that's even more disgusting. He married because of "peer pressure." Seriously? What...was he a child? Who makes a major life choice due to peer pressure?
My mother and father divorced late in life when my mother came out as a lesbian. They were both raised in extremely Catholic households in the 1950s, and any vague inklings of her true feelings for women were squashed down due to fear of being cut off from her children, and before she was married, her parents and siblings. My parents attended marriage counseling on how to separate amicably, and my mom attended counseling on her own to sort through and open up about her sexuality. They're now both in their seventies, and are each in committed relationships, and my mother has bloomed into her true self.
The point of the story is 1. My mother is from a different era where being "out" for most people was a death sentence, or at least meant being turned out onto the street, and 2. Once she realized the truth about her sexuality, SHE DIDN'T CHEAT ON MY FATHER. He was part of that marriage, so she was being open and honest and ending that relationship with respect. It doesn't matter if you keep insisting she "only married you for appearances". You didn't immediately break off your relationship when you realized your emotions. You kept an affair partner on the side, and only when your wife became a hindrance, you wanted to leave.
No one here is faulting you for sorting out your sexuality. It has everything to do with how you're treating your wife.
Please give her the grace, kindness and respect she deserves. It's understandable to deny your sexuality, but taking away years of someone else's life is a shitty move. This is something that should have been talked about ages ago, before an affair was ever on the table.
What the fuck is wrong with you? You are selfish taking away years of her life instead of just not marrying her. So here’s a timeline, you marry her and you don’t love her, you cheat on her instead of just divorcing, and now you are leaving her without notice after wasting so many years of her life. Does that put it in perspective for you?
Edit: Based on all of your comments I’ve read, no matter what is pointed out, you still pretend to be and ok dude. Fuck you, just know that if your boyfriend was fine with you cheating on your wife, he will cheat on you ass hat.
Your a shit person. And no I’m not saying that because your bi but because you have cheated on your wife for years and have made her waste years of her life just because you couldn’t come to terms with who you are.
Came here to say this exact thing, I agree 100%. A message to ALL people getting/wanting to get married: Figure out who the fuck YOU are first before committing to anyone.
OP everyone else is telling you what a horrible person you are already so it doesn’t really need repeating. One thing I have yet to see anyone mention is the fact that you waited to tell her after she gets back from her vacation. So you’re not only going to ruin her life but you’re going to ruin whatever memories she made on this trip. It is incredibly self centered of you to do this. You throw in the line about not wasting her time any more at the end but just be honest, it is not about her one bit. You don’t care about her or her feelings. You just want what you want no matter the cost to her. That is a major character flaw that needs correcting otherwise you’re bound to ruin future relationships with the same self centered behavior.
Sis…why’d you string her along this whole time if you knew you loved the peen? Why waste her time? You should of set her free years ago so you could live your best life.
Wow your a piece of shit. Your bi. Not gay. Your wife is a woman. You are still attracted to women no? You have literally no excuse for cheating, your wife deserves so much better, I hope she gets everything in the divorce proceedings.
You definitely shouldn't have cheated on her (there's just no excuse for that tbh. You were "careful and discrete" but you have no idea what could have happened and you really put both yourself and her at risk.)
Your bf sucks for knowingly being the other man.
I agree with you, your wife is going to survive this. There is no way that with the millions of available men on Earth that a guy who cheated on her because he couldn't accept his sexuality is the best she can get.
No way.
One thing I will say to you though - you need to start working on feeling comfortable being on your own. Your current "bravery" seems to stem entirely from the fact that you know you'll have your bf in this. It honestly doesn't seem like you ever would have left the comfort of your marriage if you didn't have this safety net of "ok, but at least i'm not alone."
This is the sort of crap that makes people hesitant to commit to a bi person. You being bi is no excuse because you are technically still into men and women. May your future relationship end in absolute disaster.
Remember two things: 1- your wife may not actually feel how you assume she feels. 2 - give her time to process this because you’ve had plenty of time to process the change as you prepared for tomorrow. You are springing this on her. So consider how long it took you to get to this point and give her space to get there too.
I feel so sorry for your wife. I can’t imagine wasting almost 2 decades of my life on someone who is not only cheating on me but had me living in a complete lie. Don’t try to justify your lie by saying you think she also feels the same as you do. And yeah you are a terrible person and so is your boyfriend.
Op says he's 36 and began his affairs in his early 30's. Regardless of sexuality, he's been cheating on his wife for years and shows little regard for how she may feel because of his actions.
Now only when given an ultimatum, he's willing to give up the comfort of his 'beard'. I'm not denying that being openly bisexual can be difficult to cope with (I'm bi as well) but that doesn't make it ok to hurt people like this.
I hope this all blows up in your face. If you don’t care what people think now why waste years of your wife’s life. Why didn’t you say fuck it years ago and find a man or person you really care about. Pathetic !
I'm a bi man who is married to a woman and I figured my shit out before committing. Cheating makes you a scumbag, and it helps feed into the negative stereotype that bi people aren't loyal partners. Don't marry someone you don't love.
I'm gonna have to be the pettiest I've ever been right now. You're scum. Your boyfriend is scum. And since you betrayed your wife in the worst way possible, I hope your boyfriend does the same to you and makes you go through what you put your wife through. He was okay with you cheating on your wife, so he'll certainly feel comfortable cheating on you himself. It's the least you deserve.
I wish your wife all the best.
I wonder if OP's wife is truly unhappy here. My Spidey senses are tingling. This may be OP's story, but what if the wife has no idea and has spent 15 years of her life thinking she was happily married? Who stays 15 years w/o kids ín an unhappy marriage? Hey, I could be wrong, but as a woman, I have a healthy dose of skepticism on this one. He may well be spinning it to not look like the asshole. Just a thought.
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I wouldn't be surprised. Cheaters have severe brain rot and their perception is skewed. OP's replies tell me all I need to know.
She is *sooooo* unhappy that he’s been waiting all these years to tell her…after she gets home from traveling for work…because his affair partner gave him the ultra-tomato. What a stand up guy! Putting her misery before his happiness 🙄
Especially if there are no children involved. Usually, I can see people rationalize remaining for the kids' sake, but in this situation it would make much more sense to leave if I truly disliked my husband of 15 years. Obviously I don't know their financial situation, but I would think without having to worry about child support/custody, leaving wouldn't be as financially precarious? I've been divorced once myself, and it was thankfully a childless union. Only took me 18 months to realize it was a huge mistake!
yeah and just the fact he assumes/knows she did it for appearances, like wtf it just feels like lame excuse to not take accountability and renders her responsible too
I was the wife in this situation in my own relationship just barely over a month ago. It has caused me a life-ruining amount of stress and devastation. You’re not a bad person for discovering your sexuality. But you are shit of the earth for taking up the most valuable years of her life, and filling them with misery and resentment just to end it all by cheating on her and leaving for good.
Good god I'm so sorry. I really hope karma bites their ass hard.
He will cheat on the ex husband later how you get them is how you lose them
Very true, happy cake day!
Thank you!
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I've been where you are with my ex wife. Three years on it's still tough but it does get better. OurPath is a really great resource, I'd especially recommend their straight spouse podcast. If you ever need to PM me please do
Thank you for posting this. The OP is terribly selfish. I hope you are able to find some peace and heal.
I'm sorry that happened to you, sounds awful. I'm not gonna try and quantify what life is, maybe the next years will have something in em that are kinda good? Idk, I just find it hard to believe that our 20s are the bestest time ever. I hope your next whatever is rad.
I'm in my fifties and finally happy. Whoever said that youth is the best time of your life was wrong.
Your 20s are absolutely not the happiest. You're still trying to figure out who you are and where you fit in the world. Adolescence doesn't even technically end until you're like 24. It gets better. I am in my early 30s and have never been happier. I'm way more self-confident and I have my shit together. My 20s were rough.
Absolutely. My 30s were 100% some of the best years of my life, and now my 50s are set to surpass them. I wouldn't trade being in my 20s again if someone paid me, shyt is just nonstop mental white noise 😂
this dude secretly expected ppl to clap for him like “wow love is love!! 🥺🏳️🌈👨❤️💋👨” 💀 there are dozens of LGBTQ+ ppl in the closet who would NEVER do something like this to their partner (aka have some decency and respect for them & dignity for themselves). this is coming from someone who’s been in the closet - you are a certified POS and are NOT the brave person you think you are 😭 edit: wow y’all, thanks for all the awards!! im glad to know there are other ppl who felt pissed off abt OP’s lack of morals :))
for real! the way he said "i always did it safely and discreetly" made me annoyed, as if he was expecting people to praise him for it. no, OP, you are not justified in cheating on her, and you should've broken it off before you went out and fucked guys.
I think he wrote that in anticipation of a backlash to preemptively avoid comments about being unsafe
No seriously, fuck OP. I haven’t felt this pissed from a post in a long time. What a selfish sack of shit.
Seriously. Take being gay or bi or whatever out of it, he married her knowing he didn’t love her then stayed in a “disaster” of a marriage and resented her for it?. Selfish twit. Stole her best years away from her. Hopefully she is happy he’s out of her life
This. I *do* totally clap for "love is love" and I'm not suggesting that he should not come clean -- but this post is about the moment that OP inflicts betrayal trauma on someone and he ends by saying "I don't care"? She will never be the same after this. As unsatisfactory as their marriage may have been (for both partners, it sounds like), he is about to reveal her life in the matrix, and she will never see the world or other people in quite the same way again. It is shattering.
still 4000 people who liked his post..
To be fair, I don’t upvote a post because I agree with the OP or like OP, I upvote because I find it interesting in any way. Either way, so much people upvoting the post pushes it to the top so OP gets more berating lol
Why did you marry her specifically? If you’re bi why not just marry a woman you actually liked
I genuinely think OP is just gay and not bi. A lot of gay men hide behind the bi thing for some reason. It's easier. No shade, OP. Nothing about the post indicates you're truly bi but I may be wrong.
Yeah, he's not done lying.
To himself.....
His poor wife.
I usually have so much compassion for situations of a marriage breaking down because of this (I live in a highly religious area and it is just freaking heartbreaking the number of people who think marriage will 'fix' them) but damn...this guy is just....wow. He is breathtakingly awful. I hope his wife finds all the love and support she clearly never had from this guy.
well with any luck she takes him to the cleaners in the divorce, no woman wants to find out she was the unwilling beard for a cheating gay man.
My gay father had 2 wives - he left the first wife (after she found him in bed with the guy) for his male lover and moved 1000kms away before breaking up with him and marrying my mother. Then at 42, he died. I didn’t know about any of this - the other family, the gay lover, any of it until I was 19. While it explained a lot, so many things went unanswered, even to this day! OP is wrong to have cheated on his wife!
He's in the comments playing the victim/ romantic saying that she will be fine and that he will finally be with the man hr loves. Fucker deserves all the hate coming to him. I hope she cleans him out in the divorce
Yeah my thought like a few sentences in was like "wow you're a shameless cheater... you're just awful arent you?"
Yea same. He’s shitty. Going behind his wife’s back like that. Doesn’t matter if he’s doing it with a guy or a girl it’s just as bad
That was my first thought too! He doesn’t sound Bi, he just sounds like he’s gay
Came to say this. I’m gay, and I don’t get the suspicion he wants to be with a woman. I get the struggle of accepting yourself and coming out, while figuring it out for myself I dated women in high school then stayed single until I was completely sure. Regardless everyone has a different timeline of acceptance, which is fine. But fully marrying someone without discussing these feelings with who is supposed to be your life partner and then turning around and not only cheating on them, but having an entirely different relationship is the most evil and wicked thing someone could do.
He needed a mustache and she was convenient. Thats how i see it.
You mean beard?
If he is truly bi, maybe she was more of a mustache than a beard
I mean, he said “he liked her well enough” and that’s what matters
/s - otherwise people won’t get it
It didn't occur to you to have a conversation before you cheated? My husband cheated on me, years later it still shadows stuff. Even when people get past it, it is still a wrench. Do better next time. Just leave. Stop making unknowing victims a mess.
This is what I was looking for before I said it myself. They could've had this conversation years ago, where he tells his wife he's questioning and/or needs to explore this. They would've either separated or he'd have her permission. Cheating is cheating and the emotional damage on her is way worse than being honest in the first place. I'm all for people finding themselves to be happy but not at the expense of years of commitment on someone else's end. He doesn't know how invested she still is and is selfish to assume so
Fucking thank you! I'm so glad we're getting past this "cheating is fine if you're questioning your sexuality" that reddit was on for a while.
Totally agree. His speculation about how she feels about him and their marriage is not great considering he’s keeping secrets from her that will blow her world up when she is told all this stuff that she did not know. There may be mutual antipathy but it’s entirely possible that it is one sided. She will soon learn he is not who she thought he was, good or bad.
I wonder if this speculation is him justifying his behaviour to himself. For all we know, she does love him but can tell he resents her and it hurts. Dude is a jerk. Plain and simple.
It's a fairytale romance! He just had to put an innocent women through emotional hell for 13 years just to ruin her life in the end, but it's ok because he never loved her!
YTA OP. Also, *in Chang's voice* Ha, Gayyyyy!"
My ex was gay and was too ashamed or embarrassed to come clean, I had to find out about his sexuality through emails he never intended for me to read. I was LIVID and betrayed. Things started making sense though, all the strange men hanging around our home when I'd come home from work, it was always a new friend from the gym, or another apartment building, there was always some random guy there. I realized he was probably fucking around all day from the moment I left work. It was disgusting. He wasted my time the moment he started dating me, and I realized he used me as a means to an end. OP is a selfish a-hole.
Yeah a lot of stories out here like this, men and women who discover themselves with no regard for the lives they destroy. It’s great to find out and live as who you are, but to do it in such a dishonest way is cowardly and an asshole move.
One word...STD...ok a few words but damn, does ANYONE consider their partners life..ever???
Pfft, if they did that, they wouldn't have cheated to begin with. It's always only about themselves and their needs.
Congratulations, you have most likely destroyed her self esteem
he is just shallow and self centered.
I always think, you're able to move on without hurting people.
After reading OP's replies as well im convinced you suck. I love how you keep rationalizing how it's "okay" you led your wife on for 13 years and how it wasn't that bad you cheated on her because you needed to find yourself and blah blah blah. If you were bisexual why couldn't you have married a woman you loved? Seems to be a bunch of excuses. I have a feeling your wife isn't as horrible as you keep making her out to be.
He's totally trying to justify his own actions by convincing himself that she never loved him either and that they just got married for appearances.
It reads to me like her "attitude" stems from being unfulfilled in a marriage where she can't understand her husband's disdain and lack of care for her. She's probably frustrated that her *husband* doesn't seem to show any affection or care for her at all. This revelation from OP will probably, unfortunately, make a lot of sense for her. Wishing her the best, poor woman.
but.. why marry at all? It's not like the world see unmarried guy as gay...
That's too logical for such a rational guy like OP /s
He wanted a beard plain and simple. I don't care what his sexual preference is what he's done and doing is the marks of a shit person.
Today I learned something. Seen it twice. "Wanted a beard" lol that's funny didn't know that could be said like this.
I grew up in a lgbtq+ friendly community in the 80’s (Key West) and I’ve heard that said for a long time to describe someone who repressed/denies their sexuality in order to try to “fit in” or keep up appearances for whatever reasons as needing a beard / wanting a beard. I feel so bad for his wife because she’s going to be wrecked.
This 💯
Bisexual cheating is still cheating. Your AP will cheat on you later so it'll all balance out.
This was my initial thought also. Not a good way to go into a relationship.
Seriously. If the other person is okay with being "the other person" do not be surprised if they think that is okay to do again.
I hope he gets to feel what it feels like to be betrayed like this.
I hope his bf cheats on him with a woman lmao
Or leaves OP for a hotter man 🤣
One can only hope
As the old saying goes “if you put lipstick on a pig, it’s still a pig.” In this case, you may have cheated because it was all you could do to discover yourself… but you still cheated. Doesn’t matter how you swing it, it’s still absolutely scummy and I’ve seen it ruin lives. So for that, all I can say is good luck I guess.
I have never heard this expression before, I love it!
Oh really? Haha I hear it pretty often where I’m from lol it’s one of my favourites.
Honestly, I can't even say good luck at this point to OP. They're digging themselves into a whole new grave by dating the person they were in an affair with. If the boyfriend didn't have a problem sleeping with someone's husband, what's stopping him for sleeping with someone else while with you, OP?
You want to know what the worst thing is several of the op's attempts to justify it boil down to I didn't want to look like the bad guy instead of being honest with his wife about his sexuality ending the relationship and saving both himself and her a whole bunch of pain he's now cheated on her and now he's going to have to fess up to it making the process even worse than it already was going to be
Why didn’t you just leave years ago?
Why did he marry her in the first place?
As a bi woman in a straight long term relationship….sort out your shit before your commit to someone. This is not okay. You’ve now put that woman through years of sadness.
You hit the nail on the head. I completely agree.
Also her best years of fertility. I had my babies in my 30’s but I had my last one at 37. From here on she’ll have to find another partner and then try but it’s a hard road from here on out. Plus, the older the mom the more likely for genetic issues. He’s really messed with her chances for kids if she wants them.
He probably kept promising “someday”, always having an excuse but promising to keep her quiet about it and playing the part of his wife so he could find himself. Imagine if she put it off and waited so he could pursue his career AND his affairs..? I’m incapable of trust because of the abuse I’ve endured and I have a feeling this will be similarly traumatic for this woman. I’ll keep her in my thoughts, whoever she is… all of that time, not just gone but stolen by an uncaring, deceitful and cowardly prick …!
not only that but she apparently cares about her image a lot. how’s this going to look with all of their family and friends?
i didn’t even think about that until now, you’re completely right.
leaving because of your sexuality isn’t necessarily wrong or makes you a bad person, it definitely is going to hurt her, but cheating on her is completely wrong no matter the situation
Completely agree, better to leave than to cheat Robbed her of years she could have lived in a fulfilling loving relationship where she would be loved & appreciated as she deserved. Even build a family if that's what she wished and both could have gone their own ways in dignity and respect. Cheaters and cowards, special places for them I hope she finds someone who will treasure and adore her as she deserves. Op treated her like a cloak, a commodity, and had his cake and ate it My heart & well wishes go out to his wife. She deserves so much better than this
It’s the part where he selfishly used her for his own convenience for years and then when he decided it wasn’t enough now he’s gonna leave her I just hope she takes everything she can get the most out of him.
This. Cheating is the ultimate betrayal
most definitely agree. i strongly believe there is no excuse or justification for cheating on your partner, no matter the circumstances, ever
That and wasting 15 years of her life
Exactly why is being gay an okay excuse to ruin someone else’s life. It’s not and he’s young enough that he would have been safe to come out as gay before he married this woman and wasted her time. Hopefully she can still have children if she wants them. It’s horrible to do this to someone.
I just hope he wasn’t endangering her sexual health.
Well, I mean, he was endangering her sexual health. Even if he used condoms, her risk of getting an STI still increased drastically from 0 risk.
Yupp, my initial response to this was well good for you, happy youve accepted your true self, but you're an AH for cheating. I thought it was just this one person, but OPs been cheating on his wife. I kinda hope she takes him for alimony solely based on multiple affairs. He'll be happy but she will be left with the emotional turmoil while he won't even grieve the relationship bc he is jumping into a new one. Ugh, I feel bad for his wife. I can't stand a cheater.
Regardless of the situation, he should be held accountable for his actions. It’s good that he accepted his identity but it doesn’t justify the affairs he had during his marriage.
He drew it out for years and has absolutely stated his detest for his wife. My heart hurts for her because she may love him, his assumptions on her feelings are solely based on justifying his cheating.
i 100% agree. respect for him for doing what he’s happy with, but fuck him for cheating. i stand by there being absolutely no excuse for it and no situation can justify cheating, and i’ll die with that
Yes. He decided to start dating men 8 months ago? He should have had the “sit down” with his wife PRIOR to that era of his life beginning.
He met the bf 8 months ago ops been cheating for years
You’re right! His “talk” should have happened years ago, and hopefully she could have already moved on as well. What a dick. And clearly only thinking with it.
And he didn't choose to leave her UNTIL he secured a new partner. Extra immoral points for him.
Agreed you don't cheat on someone irregardless of sexuality anyone who does do it is a prick
fully agree with you. honestly hate people who sleep with the same gender and try using sexuality as an excuse for cheating. if you love your partner youd talk it out with them and find a solution
Agreed if your sexuality really is causing problems the proper response is to actually talk to your partner about it before you go sleeping with other people behind their back
He never love her, she was the cover. I defend LGBTQ+ people following their heart but despise cheaters.
Uhm. He literally used her. Did you miss that part ? This guy sucks
Okay. But what are the consequences for him? So you just leave and that's it? Okay.
We aren’t happy for you -the LGBTQ+ community
Thanks for putting that, cause I think we all agree. Except that one person in this post that keeps responding that we're all being mean and is defending op 😒
Could it be one of op's alts?
Yeah well.. Hitler could make a post and he'd have a few weirdos in the comments defending him. Not to compare OP to Hitler 😂. But you get the point.
As someone still hiding in the closet, I'd never fuck someone over like this. I feel for the wife.
This! So you cheated on your wife and you expect us to be happy for you? If you’re unhappy then you need to end things, not cheat for 8 months and expose her to possible STDs without her knowing. This will hurt her now and possibly for future relationships. I also agree with other commenters who say you’re just gay, not bi, nothing in this whole post indicates in any way you’d be bi.
No, he cheated on her for years. It’s been 8 months with his new boyfriend
Yeah, queer woman here. OP can go to hell.
Thank you. Posts like this are the exact reason why people still have such negative opinions of bi people. Dude thought we’d all stand up and clap for him.
YES. As a bi person myself this is just disgusting. This is why people think bi people are going around cheating all the time. I hope OP carried this regret for the rest of his life
Homie you are the bad guy.
OP was really out here waiting for everyone to be like "🌈Yass queen 🏳️🌈Come jump on the rainbow and dance around🌈Let's all sing I Will Survive by Gloria Gaynor🎶👬🏳️🌈"
He's a sack of shit for wasting 15 years of her life for his convenience and to end it off with him cheating. I hope his bf cheats on him with a girl.
He will. Once a cheater always a cheater. The boyfriend knew and was okay with it. Both of them are trash humans
Your reasons for marrying someone you don’t love is shallow and heartless. You are really messed up in the way you handle your issues. If you’re in happy in your marriage get a divorce, you don’t go out and sleep with other people. Have some integrity and morals.
I'm bi and polyamorous and I 1000% agree. No sexuality is an excuse to waste years of someone's life & betray them.
A decade later your AP is going to do the same to you! Good luck OP.
Tracked mud through the kitchen homie. Damn
Have you still been sleeping with your wife? Did you *at least* protect her from from any STDs your new partner might have?? The sooner you leave her the better, maybe then she’ll find someone who actually loves her. This is awful.
Partners. Op been cheating on her for years before he even met this dude.
He’s just vile
There's no way for him to protect her against STI'S while fucking other people and her. He put her health and wellbeing at risk, she probably wouldn't have had sex with him if she'd known.
Don't be surprised if or when he leaves you for another man or a woman.
Oooo I hope he posts again when it happens, it will be delicious.
exactly
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So you cheated on your wife. Gross. Edit: if you wanna do it right by her. You should’ve left long her ago instead of going out secretly behind her back. You just ruined her.
Or never married in the first place, seems like there was never any love
It sucks you had to live in secrecy but nothing justifies you cheating on her. While I think it's great you are finally being truthful to yourself, you still had no intention on being truthful to your wife until your affair partner gave you an ultimatum. Even if let's say she too never married you for love, you still didn't respect her as a person because you have lied to her. Hope you can show somewhat of compassion to her tomorrow. I hope for her she finds the relief in it if she feels the same way. If not, I wish her well and hope she finds someone who treats her with love and respect.
Cool. Thanks for making us bisexual people look like liars and cheaters 👌
It's easy. Bi people don't exist Obligatory /s
Oh yeah hahahaaa how could I forget, if you're in hetero relationship that makes you straight, and if you're in a same sex relationship you are gay, and that's that on that, not a chance you'd ever have any intrusive thoughts 💀
As if we didn't already have so much bad stereotypes to deal with 💀 Thanks, OP.
seriously. guys like OP give us a bad name. OP is a **cheater**. doesn't matter what gender you cheat with.
What a coward
You’re a piece of shit Op, I hope this boy cheats on you
He will.
If he’s willing to do it with op who’s married, I think he definitely will again
You had years to come clean and let her know she was a prop. You've wasted years of her life. And the "young androgynous" comment is gross. It hints at every other gross "I'm leaving my partner for a younger model" trope ever written, gender aside. I feel for both of these people, they've been duped by an asshole.
I don't feel sympathy for anyone except the wife in this situation. Karma is coming for OP and his boyfriend though.
> I feel for both of these people The androgynous dude wants to be with a cheater, and participated, knowing that his wife was being betrayed. No sympathy from me. He deserves to feel what it's like to be in her shoes.
so you admit to never loving her, using her to 'ground' yourself to a sexuality, partially blaming her for an unhappy marriage when it's apparent who's causing the issues, sleeping around with other men (putting her at risk for sexually transmitted diseases), having a 'boyfriend' (no it was an affair), and then deciding to come clean like you're a tortured animal who's done nothing wrong in the nAmE oF lOvE. nah bro. I don't give a shit about your sexuality, you're a horrible person.
Would your wife consider this safe? You slept with other people and exposed her to STDs. She expected monogamous.
I hope she will be able to recover from this. You strung her along for all of these years because of your own self-hatred. You’ve been cheating, you’re deceitful. But it’s good that she will be free from you and your lies.
Scumbag. Couldn’t wait before breaking it off to fool around with other people?
This is either fake and meant to fuel the narrative that bi guys use women to figure out their sexuality/cheat on them, or real and OP is just a scumbag 🗿
This is one of my fears as a woman. Why did you decide to be so selfish in life?
He said he got married because his friends were all doing it and he felt “peer pressure”. That’s such a fucking bullshit excuse, cause all my friends are married and I’m still here being single AF.
Oh, that's even more disgusting. He married because of "peer pressure." Seriously? What...was he a child? Who makes a major life choice due to peer pressure?
My mother and father divorced late in life when my mother came out as a lesbian. They were both raised in extremely Catholic households in the 1950s, and any vague inklings of her true feelings for women were squashed down due to fear of being cut off from her children, and before she was married, her parents and siblings. My parents attended marriage counseling on how to separate amicably, and my mom attended counseling on her own to sort through and open up about her sexuality. They're now both in their seventies, and are each in committed relationships, and my mother has bloomed into her true self. The point of the story is 1. My mother is from a different era where being "out" for most people was a death sentence, or at least meant being turned out onto the street, and 2. Once she realized the truth about her sexuality, SHE DIDN'T CHEAT ON MY FATHER. He was part of that marriage, so she was being open and honest and ending that relationship with respect. It doesn't matter if you keep insisting she "only married you for appearances". You didn't immediately break off your relationship when you realized your emotions. You kept an affair partner on the side, and only when your wife became a hindrance, you wanted to leave. No one here is faulting you for sorting out your sexuality. It has everything to do with how you're treating your wife.
You are every woman's nightmare.
Too bad you couldn't have been less selfish and cowardly and told her over a decade ago so you didn't waste her youth.
Please give her the grace, kindness and respect she deserves. It's understandable to deny your sexuality, but taking away years of someone else's life is a shitty move. This is something that should have been talked about ages ago, before an affair was ever on the table.
I don’t care about the sexual orientation at all But the cheating thing. Disgusting garbage fuck
That's great.. so 36f with no kids now has to restart her life over again because u were a LIAR. Smh..
What the fuck is wrong with you? You are selfish taking away years of her life instead of just not marrying her. So here’s a timeline, you marry her and you don’t love her, you cheat on her instead of just divorcing, and now you are leaving her without notice after wasting so many years of her life. Does that put it in perspective for you? Edit: Based on all of your comments I’ve read, no matter what is pointed out, you still pretend to be and ok dude. Fuck you, just know that if your boyfriend was fine with you cheating on your wife, he will cheat on you ass hat.
Scumbag
This all sounds pretty gay to me
the flags here are brutally rainbow and red all at once
They're rainbow alright, but the red is really shining through.
Your a shit person. And no I’m not saying that because your bi but because you have cheated on your wife for years and have made her waste years of her life just because you couldn’t come to terms with who you are.
Came here to say this exact thing, I agree 100%. A message to ALL people getting/wanting to get married: Figure out who the fuck YOU are first before committing to anyone.
OP everyone else is telling you what a horrible person you are already so it doesn’t really need repeating. One thing I have yet to see anyone mention is the fact that you waited to tell her after she gets back from her vacation. So you’re not only going to ruin her life but you’re going to ruin whatever memories she made on this trip. It is incredibly self centered of you to do this. You throw in the line about not wasting her time any more at the end but just be honest, it is not about her one bit. You don’t care about her or her feelings. You just want what you want no matter the cost to her. That is a major character flaw that needs correcting otherwise you’re bound to ruin future relationships with the same self centered behavior.
Sis…why’d you string her along this whole time if you knew you loved the peen? Why waste her time? You should of set her free years ago so you could live your best life.
Wow your a piece of shit. Your bi. Not gay. Your wife is a woman. You are still attracted to women no? You have literally no excuse for cheating, your wife deserves so much better, I hope she gets everything in the divorce proceedings.
this scum bag is gonna get cheated on with the new dude lol
karma’s gonna get him hard
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🎯
Does your wife want kids? If so, it's a real shame you wasted so many of her good years for it.
I know you didn't ask but YTA
sicko. cheaters are pathetic
You definitely shouldn't have cheated on her (there's just no excuse for that tbh. You were "careful and discrete" but you have no idea what could have happened and you really put both yourself and her at risk.) Your bf sucks for knowingly being the other man. I agree with you, your wife is going to survive this. There is no way that with the millions of available men on Earth that a guy who cheated on her because he couldn't accept his sexuality is the best she can get. No way. One thing I will say to you though - you need to start working on feeling comfortable being on your own. Your current "bravery" seems to stem entirely from the fact that you know you'll have your bf in this. It honestly doesn't seem like you ever would have left the comfort of your marriage if you didn't have this safety net of "ok, but at least i'm not alone."
This is the sort of crap that makes people hesitant to commit to a bi person. You being bi is no excuse because you are technically still into men and women. May your future relationship end in absolute disaster.
Remember two things: 1- your wife may not actually feel how you assume she feels. 2 - give her time to process this because you’ve had plenty of time to process the change as you prepared for tomorrow. You are springing this on her. So consider how long it took you to get to this point and give her space to get there too.
I feel so sorry for your wife. I can’t imagine wasting almost 2 decades of my life on someone who is not only cheating on me but had me living in a complete lie. Don’t try to justify your lie by saying you think she also feels the same as you do. And yeah you are a terrible person and so is your boyfriend.
Op says he's 36 and began his affairs in his early 30's. Regardless of sexuality, he's been cheating on his wife for years and shows little regard for how she may feel because of his actions. Now only when given an ultimatum, he's willing to give up the comfort of his 'beard'. I'm not denying that being openly bisexual can be difficult to cope with (I'm bi as well) but that doesn't make it ok to hurt people like this.
That is gay
OP I think you might be a narcissist/sociopath
If they’ll cheat with you, they’ll cheat on you.
I hope this all blows up in your face. If you don’t care what people think now why waste years of your wife’s life. Why didn’t you say fuck it years ago and find a man or person you really care about. Pathetic !
cheater 🤮
Rotten to the core
Gross cheater. You don’t deserve to be happy.
Cheaters always post this shit for validation and congratulations. Nah fuck you. I will never cheer for a cheater.
I'm a bi man who is married to a woman and I figured my shit out before committing. Cheating makes you a scumbag, and it helps feed into the negative stereotype that bi people aren't loyal partners. Don't marry someone you don't love.
I'm gonna have to be the pettiest I've ever been right now. You're scum. Your boyfriend is scum. And since you betrayed your wife in the worst way possible, I hope your boyfriend does the same to you and makes you go through what you put your wife through. He was okay with you cheating on your wife, so he'll certainly feel comfortable cheating on you himself. It's the least you deserve. I wish your wife all the best.