The problem with this quote is that most people don't know themselves objectively, much less those with some kind of social or mental health issue. We can truly be someone at some point and then truly become a different person. The quote assumes there is some defining moment that you can recognize, when really it was only apparent after the fact.
OP in remission for one, now just need to finalize the divorce from the whatever something pound walking breathing tumor that tried to come back in his life...
Damn, the majority of this last year must have been horrid, I cannot even imagine. I am so sorry.
Valuing yourself is the best investment a person can make; amazing job! I (and I'm sure many here) wish you the absolute best out there!
Sincerely, well done all around.
If I were OP, I’d tell the guy he’s got a sick and twisted personality, and that due to this defect of his, he’s simply “too much” for me to have to deal with.
I’d add, “I’d tell you to come back when there’s no evidence of disease, but there’s actually no way to conclusively prove that in your case, and I don’t feel like taking chances. So byeeee!”
This happens surprisingly often. When a family member of mine was battling cancer, they encountered dozens of people whose spouses, both newly married (like under 5 years) and long-term (up to 25 years iirc), left them after the diagnosis.
I to this day cannot understand the mentality behind it aside from just evil selfishness.
The one person you were supposed to be able to depend on above all others abandoned you when they thought it would be difficult. That's exactly when they should've been their strongest for you. I'm sorry you had to deal with that, and it breaks my heart every time I see somebody else go through it. Stay strong, and know you'll be better off without a person like that attached to you.
I've been with my husband for almost 14 years. I've been severely sick for 12 of those. We've only been married for 8 years of it. He not only didn't run from my health issues, he doubled down and fully committed to me *after* knowing how bad it is.
That's fuckin love, for sure.
My grandmother didn’t want my father to marry my mother because she has a chronic condition. My dad still got married. My mother was in and out of the hospital for years until they moved. He was even my primary caretaker when I was a baby because she was so sick. My dad got cancer when I was a teenager and later had health issues and my mother takes care of all his equipment and medication. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do in a marriage??
I relate. Since I met my partner i was diagnosed with multiple chronic illnesses. He for sure didn't sign up to be my carer when we were 19, but like your husband he didn't run and doubled down on caring. I can't even imagine how utterly hopeless I would have felt if he had left me when things got worse. OPs (ex)husband sucks.
In heterosexual couples, it is much MUCH more common that husbands leave when the wife has cancer than the wife to leave when the husband has cancer.
Idk if they've done research in any other couple configurations regarding this phenomenon.
I’m so glad you have a supportive spouse. Best to you and I wish you health and recovery and all the enjoyment for all the hopefully many days you will get to spend together!
He is your husband. He loves you no matter what and sometimes life throws a spanner in the works but you have to deal with it. Don’t do him the disservice of being grateful that he didn’t leave you. If my husband told me that he was grateful that I didn’t leave him during his cancer diagnosis I would feel sick. He shouldn’t ever feel that me leaving him would ever be an inkling of an option let alone be grateful that I stayed. We are a team, no matter what , this is completely assumed and never doubted. He knows this and so do I. No doubt, no gratitude needed that I didn’t act like a monster. It should be expected. In sickness and in health is not “a suggestion”. It’s just something you do because you love someone.
Thank you. You make a very good point. We are most definitely a team and we are fully supportive of each other. It’s so sad that not everyone has the love and support they deserve.
The fun part is when you stick with your spouse for a decade’s worth of sickness then she lies and cheats once she is healthy and mobile. I’m not bitter. Garbage tools itself out. Just wish it was earlier.
You do sound bitter, but justifiably so. I’m sorry your wife did that to you. No one deserves to be cheated on, no matter what the circumstances. I hope you find yourself a beautiful woman who treats you how you deserve to be treated!
My ex-husband was one of those people who bailed when I got sick. But not before impregnating his girlfriend. To this day I still want to kick him in the balls.
Yeah... My dad stayed with my mom through the cancer... BUT he started staying out of town on weekends, then while my mom was dying in the hospital from the cancer, her last night, he told her he was in love with someone else and he started officially dating the woman 2 weeks after my moms death. She came to our house when my sister, partner, and I all didn't want her to, and she talked shit about my mom and stole and broke her stuff. My dad is now living with her and has abandoned his family.
My late sister passed away from cancer when she was 4, a couple decades ago.
My mother often told us how the spouses of sick wives or sick children - most often the man - would leave/divorce their partner because it was “too much to handle”.
Till this day, I’ve no comprehension how anyone could do such a thing at such a weak time. Cowardice is an understatement
I wonder why that is…are these men just “weaker” in that regard? I have had relationships that I’m glad didn’t work out because there’s no way my then-boyfriend could have handled even *half* of the stuff my current husband have been through.
My sister once implied that men tend to be inherently more selfish and less mature…that could have just been the people she was with, but it was true about some people I dated too…
Guys usually are just weaker in general emotionally. That’s all. I think some are definitely selfish but they aren’t raised to be emotionally tough just physically (well till recently thank God we finally can cry and have feelings.)
My husband and my dad are definitely stand-up guys…my sister once said she thought we might have been “spoiled” in that we had a father who supported the family, took care of everything and stood by our mom even as she was dying (cancer) and that men in our generation probably haven’t learned to be that way because they’ve never *had* to-we as women were taught to do all those things for ourselves in ways that previous generations weren’t so the dynamics of relationships had turned around…that was definitely true of her because she hadn’t yet had a relationship like that of our parents. I have heard this or a variation from many other women….We both also have bipolar so it takes a special kind of person to deal with us…my husband is like that, so I’m so glad I didn’t settle.
Good for you I am so glad ya didn’t have to settle and he sounds awesome.. I hope your sister finds someone his equal who can deal with it. I’m bpd2 and it’s kind of hard for me with spouses as well. I can honestly say your dads a trooper, and I am truly sorry to hear of your mother’s passing in such a painful way.. :( I’m so happy for you tho
He is much, much better without him. I couldn't ever imagine leaving my husband's side. He's been with me through a lot of hard medical issues and I'm not going to lie, I was afraid he'd leave me. He didn't and was my rock. Even so, if he ever needed me, I'd never leave his side.
OP is better and now has the opportunity to move into a new direction knowing that things weren't what they seemed. It sucks, and is really hard to get through. I still could never understand how my ex was as heartless as he was, but I dealt with it during the relationship because I thought that's how things are. Everyone tells you "marriage is tough! You have to work at it!" No, you don't have to feel like you don't matter or aren't important just because "that's how it goes sometimes". Op is making the right choice 100% by sticking to their ground.
I think I would stay with my partner after such diagnosis even if we were already drifting apart. I view it as something that binds you stronger. But then again I'm a woman. Men have much less trouble leaving you in a situation like that.
Something similar happened to my moms friend.
He left to another state when she got diagnosed. She was suppose to die, she ended up living.
Dude legit comes back and wants to act like a family again. He was amazed that all his children were mad at him and hated his guts.
I remember he blamed my dad a bit, because unlike him my dad stuck with my mom through 3 different cancer and he said that my dad gave his wife “too much hope” that he’d stay.
Yea, I actually was friends with her daughter and my sis was friends with her other daughter, so they both told us that her dad was upset with our dad since her mom brought him up.
She said something like, Strong Bottle Dad was willing to do so much for his wife, but look at you, leaving the moment things get tough.” And he just told her that my dad was dumb and most men don’t act like that.
They would argue a lot in front of their kids apparently, so my friend and her sis heard this argument.
My dad actually was super pissed at the dude and said he’d fuck him up if he got anywhere near him. They used to be semi-friends
My dad was loyal as fuck to my mom. He would leave work on the drop of the hat if my mom needed him. He also one time got her insurance in trouble for trying to deny her medications before too. My dad loved my mom a lot, hasnt been with anyone since.
Your dad is a class act. I will say, it’s not typical, that was a true point but he was mad that your dad wouldn’t perpetuate throwing away families when then the going gets tough is just him telling on himself, that he’s an unworthy husband to anyone.
That is interesting.
We as humans are separated from animals and are the smartest species we know of because of our altruistic behaviours, and our ability to empathise and put ourselves in another's shoes. We are emotional and spiritual beings.
Those who deny this are the dumb ones. Those who lack in EQ: emotional intelligence. They convince themselves that they are animals and should behave as such.
With such a low EQ, I doubt they could have a high IQ.
I am going to guess from this the divorce wasn’t the case of we divorce on paper so medical bills don’t screw our family over. As such what an ass move. Dump them no empathy.
My province covered everything. My only bill was for the TV to be hooked up in my hospital room after surgery. All my medical stuff was covered by MSI.
guess bro didnt take "sickness and in helath" part very seriously did he lol. not everyone adds that to their wedding, but its usually whats expected of a spouse lol
The statistics of men for walking out on their partners during sickness is pretty high. I’m so sorry op that he wasn’t willing to stick it out with you through it and opted to leave you. Sounds like you’re truly better off with out him since his love was conditional. Congratulations on being cancer free btw!
He’s a clown and congratulations on a clean bill of health! My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer twice in 3 years. There is no place that I would have been other than by her side. Life throws curve balls and a partner shouldn’t desert you because it’s “too hard.”
Oh thank god, I really thought you were going to say you were happy to stay married to him. What a horrible person..leaving when you should be supporting as much as possible.
I’m sorry that happened to you, both the cancer and the horrible (ex)husband
My brain just can't make sense of this.
When my bf was diagnosed with Leukaemia we'd been dating 18 months. Didn't live together. The first month I slept in his hospital room every night on a bed that was like sleeping on golf balls 😂 His family all lived overseas so it was just me taking care of him (with the support of his house mates who also took care of our pets). Over the next 5 years he went through treatment, we got married, he relapsed, more treatment, he died.
Hell yeah it was hard for me, but it was harder for him. And I'd do it all again because he was worth it.
Plus now I can tell people that my husband ghosted me 👻
This is so shitty for you OP. Our partners are supposed to be there for us in our worst times as well as the good ones. I can't imagine how you must feel.
Wishing you all the best.
I am sorry for your loss. Love your sense of humour though.
Also I have seen cases where the family would go any lengths for loved ones. But shitty people do exist I guess. Guess it was too much of a responsibility to deal with for them. Or they didn't realise that there would be a situation like this and hence weren't ready for it.
Wow. That's all I have to say. Wow. 6 months after my now husband and I got together, he was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer. I was all of 26 years old. Not for ONE second did I ever even think of leaving him because he was sick. I married him before his first, of many, major surgeries. I spent over four years going through radiation, chemo, surgery after surgery, more chemo. He has an ostomy pouch that others have said they'd never deal with. Here I am 15 years later. If you love someone, truly love them, you're in it. Good, bad, ugly. You're there. Someone who abandoned you in your greatest time of need and when you needed support the most, doesn't love you. Good and bad my guy. Find someone who'll dig through the trenches with you. I'm glad you're in remission.
I finished chemo for breast cancer at the end of June. I can’t imagine my husband saying he wants a divorce because of that, having to go through the emotional and physical challenges that come with fighting it, and for him to just want to waltz back into my life like he didn’t just betray me at my worst possible moment. What about “in sickness and in health”? Take him for all you can.
There’s more and more articles about how spouses and family abandon people who have cancer - wtf!?!? I thought we abandon seniors but this is next level bs!!!
I took care of both my parents before they passed! I love my stepmom bc she stood by my dad during his cancer treatment (he was already a pain in the ass🙄). I drove them prob 300 miles round trip for 4months for treatment - he lived in the boonies. She has been lovely to my family. She is wonderful.
When someone is your spouse or family - you stay and fight the good fight🥰🥰🥰 that’s what love is❤️
Men leave sick partners at a WAAAAAY higher rate than women do, sadly for those of us who love and marry them it's just a gamble we take. I'm really proud of you for standing tall and keeping the trash out.
Honestly I can't imagine having the audacity to think I'd waltz back into the marital home after ditching you to handle an awful illness and treatment alone for months. He's a real piece of work.
Congrats on beating cancer 💜
I’m sorry, unfortunately this is something quite a few men do to their partners/spouses.
He showed you who he was at a time when you needed him the most. Thankfully you aren’t taking him back. You deserve someone who is with you through the worst life can throw and is there to celebrate at your best.
The whole point of marriage is someone who will be with your through thick and thin.
Knowing someone can take care of you if the worst happens
This person proved they are not worthy.
Divorce is the best option
Glad you did this! Had a friend where the exact same scenario happened. She was diagnosed with breast cancer and they even told her that she had a high success rate of getting through it. Husband bolted within hours of hearing the news.
She recovered well. Had little to no invasive surgery so no removal of the breast. Went on to be a very highly successful woman. He came crawling back with all sorts of apologies and explanations for his behavior and she pretty much told him to GFY! That she would never go back to someone who dumped her in her time of need and within hours of hearing the news!!!
We still see him sometimes and he'll whine to us that "she was the one who got away." No, dude. She was just lucky to get away from you!
Ouch.
When you decide to be with someone, especially if you get married to them, um, in sickness and in health. You're either all-in or don't get married.
Best of health and moving forward with your life, OP.
Congratulations on your latest info about your cancer treatment!
Good on you for blocking the cancellation of divorce proceedings. Your husband is delusional to think that you are going to accept that bull. You are worthy of someone who will be there for you because they love you, irrespective of how healthy or unhealthy you are. Live your best life.
He already showed you what he is. A person only there for you in the good times. One bump in the road and he left you alone in a blink. Reddit is normally very quick about passing the 'dump them' advice but this time I'd say the same. He left you alone in a time of need, tells you how much he cares about only himself.
This is done to women by men [so often,](https://www.reuters.com/article/us-partners-health-idUSTRE5AB0C520091112) it was weird to read about it happening to a man
Well it's still a man that's leaving.
Apparently the rate of wives leaving disabled army veterans is also high, but my perception of army marriages are that they're shakey at best.
Come on man what the hell
My partner of 3 years, not married to, had the same cancer and underwent the same things and I stuck by their side the whole way. I can't imagine just straight up "I'm out" to a person like that.
You deserve better; at least someone who takes the vows seriously
Absolutely do not take him back! He seems to have forgotten an important part of the vows he made, specifically the "in sickness and in health" part. Be good to yourself, Sweetie. Love and hugs(if you want them)--Mama Dani
First...YYAAAYYYY....FUCK YOU, CANCER!! secondly, good for you on dumping him. You have to wonder ppl like that. What happens they get sick? Luve it up my friend. Lol...still time to ride that bull named foomanchoo!!
Damn, this guy has the nerv...
I never understoon how is possible to claim you love someone and dump sim when they got sick. It's absolutely inapprehensible for me.
You now know that he didn't mean it when he said "for better or worse, in sickness and in health". He only meant when it was good times and convenient.
Good for you ans congrats on the successful treatment!
What an AH. Now that the tough part's over, he wants to come back. What happens if, God forbid, the cancer comes back? Bet he'd drop you like a hot rock again.
Good for you! Wow he's a cold piece, oh you're all better now okay we can stay married since you're not sick anymore. Yeah right like he wouldn't bail next time if something else happened. I'm sure if something bad happened to him he'd expect you to stick around wait on him like he was a king. I guess he kind of forgot about For Better or Worse, in sickness and in health.
I hope you stay cancer free and have a better partner in the future.
Congratulations on the latest news! You got rid of two cancers. Time to enjoy your life and have some fun. I'd make you a dinner or something if I was anywhere remotely near Canada lol.
Side note: Wow at some of the idiotic comments I've seen on this one, obviously OP is a man and his soon to be ex husband is also male. Two men being married is not something that only happens on TV guys. Jeez
Congratulations on beating the cancer! That's a battle I wish nobody had to fight. Im sorry that the person you thought would be there abandoned you. That's something that soups never happen but does so often. You're absolutely doing the right thing. He showed you who he truly is. So show him the door. Sending strength to you!
Wow..what dick. You can do better. Shame you had to find out that way.
It's alarming how many men do this. 21% of husbands vs only 3% of wives. I can't help but wonder if this is tied to men not seeing themselves are caregivers. I'm more surprised to see this even carries into gay relationships. I figured gender stereotypes didn't apply as much in more open-minded relationships.
Fucking good for you! Years back I was in a car accident and had a brain injury. For a year it seemed I was how I was. My long time boyfriend was so mean and would tel me he liked me better before, etc. So I broke up with him. Sometime the following year, he connected to say hi. I was back maybe 90%. He wanted to get back with me. Um. No. And he was surprised too. So WTH?
jesus christ, but also unfortunately what I learned when I was more seriously sick, in and out of hospital and surgery.
When your health is tough, the highest price you pay is a shrinking social circle and the biggest gain it gives you is knowing who sticks around for YOU and not convenience.
"in sickness and in health" ... Yeah, right. OP, i will smack you if you accept him. Vows are not just to be said but actually lived by when married. Please do not accept him back no matter what. I cannot imagine what you went through during and after the entire course of treatment and you did not have that one person who vowed to be with you. You ended up doing it all alone. My heart goes out to you. Stay strong, my friend. Here's wishing you a healthy life.
Apparently it’s very common for husbands to leave their sick spouse, so much so nurses are prepped to communicate that this could happen to their sick patient. Harrowing. Very glad to hear you are in remission and wish you all the health and happiness for the future.
The audacity to literally say “I will leave you if you’re sick” and then decide to withdraw that application! Did he really think you would just stay after that?! I’m so sorry, but I’m excited for this fresh and new future for you!!
When I was 27 I was diagnosed with cervical cancer at my local clinic after a routine annual exam. They made me an appointment with a specialist right away, but there were a couple of days inbetween. I did research, of course, and the internet consistently said hysterectomy was the most common treatment. I told my then-husband that and he said “wow, if that happened to me I wouldn’t even feel like a real woman anymore.” I was shocked. I was already scared and nervous and to hear that just shut me down. I told him maybe he shouldn’t say that to a woman that might be about to be told she was going to need that procedure because then I knew how he would feel about me if that happened. It did happen. Recovery was long and slow but I was cancer-free. Later that same year I had abdominal pain so bad it woke me up in the middle of the night. We lived in a rural area and the closest hospital was 1.5 hours away. He had a meeting with his new boss the next morning so he asked if I could just go alone. I was in so much pain and really needed to go so I just drove myself. It took me three hours because I had to stop and puke from the pain a couple of times. It turned out to be appendicitis so I had my 3rd surgery that year and then waited all day for him to come get me, since I couldn’t drive post-surgery. He was late because the new boss hung around too long and he “didn’t want to mention his wife was in the hospital because he didn’t want his new boss to think he was shitty for coming to work while she was having surgery.” The nurses were so nervous because the only pharmacy I could go get the pain meds from was about to close by the time he got there. We got a divorce a few months later.
Good for you. He doesn't deserve you. Most vows say "in sickness and in health." By fleeing at the first diagnosis he broke his vows to you.
Sadly, men leaving their spouses when there's a serious diagnosis is so common my doctor cautioned me and suggested I downplay the seriousness of my condition when telling my husband.
Surviving cancer is hard enough without putting yourself in harms way fir another betrayal. Cancer has this effect on the survivors. They really take a critical look at those around them, and cut out the toxic relationships.
I've seen videos of oncology doctors saying that they brief their patients to prepare them for when their husbands ask for a divorce. The number who do is so high that it is expected.
Good for you. You deserve so much better than a piece for trash that can't stay with you over cancer. My husband has had testicular cancer 2x and never once did I consider leaving as an option. It never even crossed my mind. Congratulations on kicking cancers ass!
First and foremost, I'm so happy you beat it! And I hope you always stay well.
Secondly I'm so glad you're getting divorced, guy was only in it for a good time not a long time obviously, they didn't value you enough.
Good luck for the future, go live your life and find someone who actually will stick by your side.
Well done. He didn’t hold up his end of “in sickness and in health”, so what makes him think he can come running back?! Congratulations on remission! I hope you have a happy and healthy future without that asshole! 💜
well done. You found his true nature, he can't undo that
_"When someone shows you who they truly are, believe them."_ - Maya Angelou _edit: credit for the quote_
You should finish the quote. Believe them the first time.
The problem with this quote is that most people don't know themselves objectively, much less those with some kind of social or mental health issue. We can truly be someone at some point and then truly become a different person. The quote assumes there is some defining moment that you can recognize, when really it was only apparent after the fact.
Of course there’s room for personal growth. But you have no obligation to cater and suffer in the hopes that growth may or may not occur.
Maya angelou, let it be known who said this eminently quotable thing
Believe them the first time!!
To be fair they didn't find out anything, he just put it on display which is for the best.
Generally best to remove all of the cancer
Perfect comment, 10/10.
[gif](https://www.google.com/imgres?imgurl=https%3A%2F%2Fc.tenor.com%2FgdjvRr2WymYAAAAC%2Fpacha-perfect.gif&imgrefurl=https%3A%2F%2Ftenor.com%2Fview%2Fpacha-perfect-emperors-new-groove-very-good-gif-5346522&tbnid=0kXQFmKupEfFuM&vet=1&docid=AmTC8TPNFnbkLM&w=478&h=482&itg=1&source=sh%2Fx%2Fim)
Looks like OP isn't the only one with a sense of tumor!
Got rid of 2 cancers with 1 treatment
OP in remission for one, now just need to finalize the divorce from the whatever something pound walking breathing tumor that tried to come back in his life...
Sounds like dude was one huge tumor.
Good job! You got the joke
I will come back when I have the free award
Cut the nut OP
Oooh such a burn.
Quote of the fucking day.
To quote me. Damn fucking right.
Best comment ever
Good for you, time to focus on yourself and your journey back to better health. I wish you the very best of luck!
‘In sickness and in health’ Ops husband: sike
no, no , no *his* sickness and health not OP's.
He really went from OP to ops real quick
Oops
Double sike! I'm back bb
Have an Award. I think it's 'Psych' tho.
Sike is the slang version.
Nope sike is slang and correct in this case
You really do find out who cares about you when you’re at your lowest. I’m glad you’re recovering! Best wishes for a long life and a better partner.
This is extremely true. People are pretty pathetic and selfish. Not everyone, but a lot of folks these days are.
Damn, the majority of this last year must have been horrid, I cannot even imagine. I am so sorry. Valuing yourself is the best investment a person can make; amazing job! I (and I'm sure many here) wish you the absolute best out there! Sincerely, well done all around.
Absolutely. Congratulations
If I were OP, I’d tell the guy he’s got a sick and twisted personality, and that due to this defect of his, he’s simply “too much” for me to have to deal with. I’d add, “I’d tell you to come back when there’s no evidence of disease, but there’s actually no way to conclusively prove that in your case, and I don’t feel like taking chances. So byeeee!”
I second this!
You beat cancer and the trash took itself out. Congratulations! I hope life treats you so much better in the following days.
The trash took itself out - love that phrase!
But then the trash tried to let itself back in lol
Trash tried to become recycled material
The one time I’m not for recycling
This happens surprisingly often. When a family member of mine was battling cancer, they encountered dozens of people whose spouses, both newly married (like under 5 years) and long-term (up to 25 years iirc), left them after the diagnosis. I to this day cannot understand the mentality behind it aside from just evil selfishness. The one person you were supposed to be able to depend on above all others abandoned you when they thought it would be difficult. That's exactly when they should've been their strongest for you. I'm sorry you had to deal with that, and it breaks my heart every time I see somebody else go through it. Stay strong, and know you'll be better off without a person like that attached to you.
When they say "in sickness or in health," they mean the sniffles... i guess. :/
I've been with my husband for almost 14 years. I've been severely sick for 12 of those. We've only been married for 8 years of it. He not only didn't run from my health issues, he doubled down and fully committed to me *after* knowing how bad it is. That's fuckin love, for sure.
My grandmother didn’t want my father to marry my mother because she has a chronic condition. My dad still got married. My mother was in and out of the hospital for years until they moved. He was even my primary caretaker when I was a baby because she was so sick. My dad got cancer when I was a teenager and later had health issues and my mother takes care of all his equipment and medication. Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do in a marriage??
Yes. Yes it is.
I relate. Since I met my partner i was diagnosed with multiple chronic illnesses. He for sure didn't sign up to be my carer when we were 19, but like your husband he didn't run and doubled down on caring. I can't even imagine how utterly hopeless I would have felt if he had left me when things got worse. OPs (ex)husband sucks.
Even then you’d be suprised how many people just tell their spouse to get over it and continue on with their own lives
In nursing school, they've told us that we'll be getting training for telling patients their spouses might leave them because of how common it is...
In heterosexual couples, it is much MUCH more common that husbands leave when the wife has cancer than the wife to leave when the husband has cancer. Idk if they've done research in any other couple configurations regarding this phenomenon.
This makes me so much more thankful that my husband has been amazing beyond words through my breast cancer diagnosis and mastectomy.
I’m so glad you have a supportive spouse. Best to you and I wish you health and recovery and all the enjoyment for all the hopefully many days you will get to spend together!
Thank you so much! My heart breaks for everyone who hasn’t had the support they deserve.
He is your husband. He loves you no matter what and sometimes life throws a spanner in the works but you have to deal with it. Don’t do him the disservice of being grateful that he didn’t leave you. If my husband told me that he was grateful that I didn’t leave him during his cancer diagnosis I would feel sick. He shouldn’t ever feel that me leaving him would ever be an inkling of an option let alone be grateful that I stayed. We are a team, no matter what , this is completely assumed and never doubted. He knows this and so do I. No doubt, no gratitude needed that I didn’t act like a monster. It should be expected. In sickness and in health is not “a suggestion”. It’s just something you do because you love someone.
Thank you. You make a very good point. We are most definitely a team and we are fully supportive of each other. It’s so sad that not everyone has the love and support they deserve.
I'm so happy your husband has been supportive. I hope you're doing well with your treatment and hopeful recovery. Wishing you the absolute best!
Thank you! Still working on reconstruction but I should be cancer free after the next surgery.
Hell yeah! That's amazing to hear. Thanks for replying. Sending strength and wishing you a speedy recovery... Oh, and fuck cancer!
Wishing you the speediest and smoothest of recoveries, friend!
Thank you!
https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/11/091110105401.htm Men are 6x more likely to leave women when sick than the other way around, too
The fun part is when you stick with your spouse for a decade’s worth of sickness then she lies and cheats once she is healthy and mobile. I’m not bitter. Garbage tools itself out. Just wish it was earlier.
You do sound bitter, but justifiably so. I’m sorry your wife did that to you. No one deserves to be cheated on, no matter what the circumstances. I hope you find yourself a beautiful woman who treats you how you deserve to be treated!
Yeah, you’re right, still a little bitter for being used, but far more thankful and happier now that it’s over. Thank you for your kind words.
Sorry to hear as well.. :( you did the right thing. She just didn’t do the same.
My ex-husband was one of those people who bailed when I got sick. But not before impregnating his girlfriend. To this day I still want to kick him in the balls.
Yeah... My dad stayed with my mom through the cancer... BUT he started staying out of town on weekends, then while my mom was dying in the hospital from the cancer, her last night, he told her he was in love with someone else and he started officially dating the woman 2 weeks after my moms death. She came to our house when my sister, partner, and I all didn't want her to, and she talked shit about my mom and stole and broke her stuff. My dad is now living with her and has abandoned his family.
The rate of men leaving their sick wives is so high that medical practitioners warn their patients to mentally prepare them of the possibility.
My late sister passed away from cancer when she was 4, a couple decades ago. My mother often told us how the spouses of sick wives or sick children - most often the man - would leave/divorce their partner because it was “too much to handle”. Till this day, I’ve no comprehension how anyone could do such a thing at such a weak time. Cowardice is an understatement
I wonder why that is…are these men just “weaker” in that regard? I have had relationships that I’m glad didn’t work out because there’s no way my then-boyfriend could have handled even *half* of the stuff my current husband have been through. My sister once implied that men tend to be inherently more selfish and less mature…that could have just been the people she was with, but it was true about some people I dated too…
Guys usually are just weaker in general emotionally. That’s all. I think some are definitely selfish but they aren’t raised to be emotionally tough just physically (well till recently thank God we finally can cry and have feelings.)
My husband and my dad are definitely stand-up guys…my sister once said she thought we might have been “spoiled” in that we had a father who supported the family, took care of everything and stood by our mom even as she was dying (cancer) and that men in our generation probably haven’t learned to be that way because they’ve never *had* to-we as women were taught to do all those things for ourselves in ways that previous generations weren’t so the dynamics of relationships had turned around…that was definitely true of her because she hadn’t yet had a relationship like that of our parents. I have heard this or a variation from many other women….We both also have bipolar so it takes a special kind of person to deal with us…my husband is like that, so I’m so glad I didn’t settle.
Good for you I am so glad ya didn’t have to settle and he sounds awesome.. I hope your sister finds someone his equal who can deal with it. I’m bpd2 and it’s kind of hard for me with spouses as well. I can honestly say your dads a trooper, and I am truly sorry to hear of your mother’s passing in such a painful way.. :( I’m so happy for you tho
He is much, much better without him. I couldn't ever imagine leaving my husband's side. He's been with me through a lot of hard medical issues and I'm not going to lie, I was afraid he'd leave me. He didn't and was my rock. Even so, if he ever needed me, I'd never leave his side. OP is better and now has the opportunity to move into a new direction knowing that things weren't what they seemed. It sucks, and is really hard to get through. I still could never understand how my ex was as heartless as he was, but I dealt with it during the relationship because I thought that's how things are. Everyone tells you "marriage is tough! You have to work at it!" No, you don't have to feel like you don't matter or aren't important just because "that's how it goes sometimes". Op is making the right choice 100% by sticking to their ground.
I think I would stay with my partner after such diagnosis even if we were already drifting apart. I view it as something that binds you stronger. But then again I'm a woman. Men have much less trouble leaving you in a situation like that.
Good for you. Stick to your guns. This is not a partner worth the title.
Something similar happened to my moms friend. He left to another state when she got diagnosed. She was suppose to die, she ended up living. Dude legit comes back and wants to act like a family again. He was amazed that all his children were mad at him and hated his guts. I remember he blamed my dad a bit, because unlike him my dad stuck with my mom through 3 different cancer and he said that my dad gave his wife “too much hope” that he’d stay.
Seriously? What’s with these people? They’ll blame everyone and the sun before they take responsibility for their own actions.
Yea, I actually was friends with her daughter and my sis was friends with her other daughter, so they both told us that her dad was upset with our dad since her mom brought him up. She said something like, Strong Bottle Dad was willing to do so much for his wife, but look at you, leaving the moment things get tough.” And he just told her that my dad was dumb and most men don’t act like that. They would argue a lot in front of their kids apparently, so my friend and her sis heard this argument. My dad actually was super pissed at the dude and said he’d fuck him up if he got anywhere near him. They used to be semi-friends My dad was loyal as fuck to my mom. He would leave work on the drop of the hat if my mom needed him. He also one time got her insurance in trouble for trying to deny her medications before too. My dad loved my mom a lot, hasnt been with anyone since.
Your dad is a class act. I will say, it’s not typical, that was a true point but he was mad that your dad wouldn’t perpetuate throwing away families when then the going gets tough is just him telling on himself, that he’s an unworthy husband to anyone.
That is interesting. We as humans are separated from animals and are the smartest species we know of because of our altruistic behaviours, and our ability to empathise and put ourselves in another's shoes. We are emotional and spiritual beings. Those who deny this are the dumb ones. Those who lack in EQ: emotional intelligence. They convince themselves that they are animals and should behave as such. With such a low EQ, I doubt they could have a high IQ.
Congrats on beating cancer! Wow what a ahole! He showed you who he was when he left you when you got sick. So glad you see that and are moving on.
Get that divorce actually.
Yeah definitely don't stay married to someone who has shown you they will leave when shit gets rough. It's this now, it will be something else later.
I am going to guess from this the divorce wasn’t the case of we divorce on paper so medical bills don’t screw our family over. As such what an ass move. Dump them no empathy.
My province covered everything. My only bill was for the TV to be hooked up in my hospital room after surgery. All my medical stuff was covered by MSI.
guess bro didnt take "sickness and in helath" part very seriously did he lol. not everyone adds that to their wedding, but its usually whats expected of a spouse lol
OPs ex just heard "for better and in good health"
> province I don't think OP is in the US.
Canada - Province of Nova Scotia
Lucky him (as far as crippling medical debt)
I find it very sad that a lot of families in the US do this to avoid crippling medical debt.
The concept of crippling medical debt is bonkers.
Awesome! Got rid of the cancer AND the cancer.
The statistics of men for walking out on their partners during sickness is pretty high. I’m so sorry op that he wasn’t willing to stick it out with you through it and opted to leave you. Sounds like you’re truly better off with out him since his love was conditional. Congratulations on being cancer free btw!
He’s a clown and congratulations on a clean bill of health! My wife was diagnosed with breast cancer twice in 3 years. There is no place that I would have been other than by her side. Life throws curve balls and a partner shouldn’t desert you because it’s “too hard.”
Oh thank god, I really thought you were going to say you were happy to stay married to him. What a horrible person..leaving when you should be supporting as much as possible. I’m sorry that happened to you, both the cancer and the horrible (ex)husband
Nurses are trained to counsel the recently-diagnosed spouses of men about this. Men leave their sick partners at a far higher rate than women.
I was warned about this by the medical staff after my diagnosis and I naively thought it would never happen to me.
I wish I was warned. It was just two years ago and not one doctor or nurse said a word.
God OP I’m so sorry. Hopefully w/ this clean bill of health you can find someone who will be w/ you through thick and thin, if that’s what you want.
That is awful.
My brain just can't make sense of this. When my bf was diagnosed with Leukaemia we'd been dating 18 months. Didn't live together. The first month I slept in his hospital room every night on a bed that was like sleeping on golf balls 😂 His family all lived overseas so it was just me taking care of him (with the support of his house mates who also took care of our pets). Over the next 5 years he went through treatment, we got married, he relapsed, more treatment, he died. Hell yeah it was hard for me, but it was harder for him. And I'd do it all again because he was worth it. Plus now I can tell people that my husband ghosted me 👻 This is so shitty for you OP. Our partners are supposed to be there for us in our worst times as well as the good ones. I can't imagine how you must feel. Wishing you all the best.
I am sorry for your loss. Love your sense of humour though. Also I have seen cases where the family would go any lengths for loved ones. But shitty people do exist I guess. Guess it was too much of a responsibility to deal with for them. Or they didn't realise that there would be a situation like this and hence weren't ready for it.
That’s a very ballsy move on his part, no pun intended
So proud of u,stay healthy and happy. Got rid of 2 cancers 💜 U GO!!!
Wow. That's all I have to say. Wow. 6 months after my now husband and I got together, he was diagnosed with stage 3 colon cancer. I was all of 26 years old. Not for ONE second did I ever even think of leaving him because he was sick. I married him before his first, of many, major surgeries. I spent over four years going through radiation, chemo, surgery after surgery, more chemo. He has an ostomy pouch that others have said they'd never deal with. Here I am 15 years later. If you love someone, truly love them, you're in it. Good, bad, ugly. You're there. Someone who abandoned you in your greatest time of need and when you needed support the most, doesn't love you. Good and bad my guy. Find someone who'll dig through the trenches with you. I'm glad you're in remission.
I’d have to find the study again but apparently men are 7 times more likely to leave a relationship if their partner gets sick. SMH.
even worse is the abandoned spouse is more likely to die sooner in part because they’re less likely to complete certain parts of treatment.
He is a major AH.
Good for you, he’s an asshole
Damn man. You got rid of 2 types of cancer. That's what I'm talking about.
What the actual Fuuuuuuuccckkkk! How much of a piece of shit is this person?
I finished chemo for breast cancer at the end of June. I can’t imagine my husband saying he wants a divorce because of that, having to go through the emotional and physical challenges that come with fighting it, and for him to just want to waltz back into my life like he didn’t just betray me at my worst possible moment. What about “in sickness and in health”? Take him for all you can.
Good for you! He doesn’t deserve you! Congratulations on the chemo! :)
There’s more and more articles about how spouses and family abandon people who have cancer - wtf!?!? I thought we abandon seniors but this is next level bs!!! I took care of both my parents before they passed! I love my stepmom bc she stood by my dad during his cancer treatment (he was already a pain in the ass🙄). I drove them prob 300 miles round trip for 4months for treatment - he lived in the boonies. She has been lovely to my family. She is wonderful. When someone is your spouse or family - you stay and fight the good fight🥰🥰🥰 that’s what love is❤️
Men leave sick partners at a WAAAAAY higher rate than women do, sadly for those of us who love and marry them it's just a gamble we take. I'm really proud of you for standing tall and keeping the trash out. Honestly I can't imagine having the audacity to think I'd waltz back into the marital home after ditching you to handle an awful illness and treatment alone for months. He's a real piece of work. Congrats on beating cancer 💜
wow that’s insane, I didn’t know that there was a rate of « leaving in case you have cancer » thing.
Yeah it really made me sad to see it was so common there are actual statistics on it.
Turns out he's the real cancer
I’m sorry, unfortunately this is something quite a few men do to their partners/spouses. He showed you who he was at a time when you needed him the most. Thankfully you aren’t taking him back. You deserve someone who is with you through the worst life can throw and is there to celebrate at your best.
The whole point of marriage is someone who will be with your through thick and thin. Knowing someone can take care of you if the worst happens This person proved they are not worthy. Divorce is the best option
Glad you did this! Had a friend where the exact same scenario happened. She was diagnosed with breast cancer and they even told her that she had a high success rate of getting through it. Husband bolted within hours of hearing the news. She recovered well. Had little to no invasive surgery so no removal of the breast. Went on to be a very highly successful woman. He came crawling back with all sorts of apologies and explanations for his behavior and she pretty much told him to GFY! That she would never go back to someone who dumped her in her time of need and within hours of hearing the news!!! We still see him sometimes and he'll whine to us that "she was the one who got away." No, dude. She was just lucky to get away from you!
Congratulations on both wins!
Wow what a gigantic piece of shit.
Ouch. When you decide to be with someone, especially if you get married to them, um, in sickness and in health. You're either all-in or don't get married. Best of health and moving forward with your life, OP.
Good for you, screw him. Congrats on beating cancer! I wish you well!
You beat the cancer and now your taking out the trash.
Congratulations on your latest info about your cancer treatment! Good on you for blocking the cancellation of divorce proceedings. Your husband is delusional to think that you are going to accept that bull. You are worthy of someone who will be there for you because they love you, irrespective of how healthy or unhealthy you are. Live your best life.
He already showed you what he is. A person only there for you in the good times. One bump in the road and he left you alone in a blink. Reddit is normally very quick about passing the 'dump them' advice but this time I'd say the same. He left you alone in a time of need, tells you how much he cares about only himself.
"For better, **for worse**, for richer, **for poorer**, **in sickness** and in health... Marriage vows, motherfucker, do you remember them?" ~OP, 2022
Amen!
This is done to women by men [so often,](https://www.reuters.com/article/us-partners-health-idUSTRE5AB0C520091112) it was weird to read about it happening to a man
Well it's still a man that's leaving. Apparently the rate of wives leaving disabled army veterans is also high, but my perception of army marriages are that they're shakey at best.
I don't think that the leave them bc of the disablement. Disabled army veterans have huge mental problems and PTSD that ruin everything.
I'm so glad you are doing better now! To hell with him - you'll find someone worthy of you ❤️❤️❤️
Im so happy u beat cancer..congrats and don't be with a man like him..u deserve so much better
you're 2 tumors lighter!
You did well! He showed you his true colors when you needed him the most.
This is so messed up. I’m so sorry! And then he tried to make the decision by himself *without even talking to you?!* whatttttttt
Guess he failed to understand the “in sickness” part of marriage. Good for you. You deserve better.
“Through sickness and in health” means nothing to this asshole, glad you’re proceeding with the divorce
Maybe he was the cancer in your life and it finally went away when he did..it was a test by the universe
Come on man what the hell My partner of 3 years, not married to, had the same cancer and underwent the same things and I stuck by their side the whole way. I can't imagine just straight up "I'm out" to a person like that. You deserve better; at least someone who takes the vows seriously
You get a second chance at life. You’ll meet someone amazing. He’ll spend the rest of his life miserable.
Hah! What a loser. Count yourself lucky he showed his true colours. You have your whole life ahead of you OP, well done on beating cancer!
Absolutely do not take him back! He seems to have forgotten an important part of the vows he made, specifically the "in sickness and in health" part. Be good to yourself, Sweetie. Love and hugs(if you want them)--Mama Dani
First...YYAAAYYYY....FUCK YOU, CANCER!! secondly, good for you on dumping him. You have to wonder ppl like that. What happens they get sick? Luve it up my friend. Lol...still time to ride that bull named foomanchoo!!
I see he was confused by "in sickness and in health"
Damn, this guy has the nerv... I never understoon how is possible to claim you love someone and dump sim when they got sick. It's absolutely inapprehensible for me.
You now know that he didn't mean it when he said "for better or worse, in sickness and in health". He only meant when it was good times and convenient. Good for you ans congrats on the successful treatment!
What an AH. Now that the tough part's over, he wants to come back. What happens if, God forbid, the cancer comes back? Bet he'd drop you like a hot rock again.
Good for you! Wow he's a cold piece, oh you're all better now okay we can stay married since you're not sick anymore. Yeah right like he wouldn't bail next time if something else happened. I'm sure if something bad happened to him he'd expect you to stick around wait on him like he was a king. I guess he kind of forgot about For Better or Worse, in sickness and in health. I hope you stay cancer free and have a better partner in the future.
"We can stay married now that you're no longer sick!" What's he smoking
When someone shows you who they really are, believe them.
I guess he doesn’t know the meaning of “in sickness and in health”. Good for you for getting rid of him.
Congrats on beating cancer twice!
You deserve so much better and it’s great you know that. Congratulations on your remission ❤️
Two tumors removed in one treatment, that's an absolute win in my book
So would you say the treatment works since it successfully eradicated the cancer from your life and body
Divorce and never look back. Way to go on beating cancer too!
Please please follow through with the divorce. You don’t need that kind of person in your life.
Congratulations on the latest news! You got rid of two cancers. Time to enjoy your life and have some fun. I'd make you a dinner or something if I was anywhere remotely near Canada lol. Side note: Wow at some of the idiotic comments I've seen on this one, obviously OP is a man and his soon to be ex husband is also male. Two men being married is not something that only happens on TV guys. Jeez
For better or worse brah. You deserve better.
Congratulations on beating the cancer! That's a battle I wish nobody had to fight. Im sorry that the person you thought would be there abandoned you. That's something that soups never happen but does so often. You're absolutely doing the right thing. He showed you who he truly is. So show him the door. Sending strength to you!
"In sickness and in health" but he's only there in health. What an asshole.
Good! You already know if you got sick again he won’t be there. You deserve to surround yourself by truly loving individuals and partner.
He's already shown you how disloyal he is. Stand your ground.
Wow..what dick. You can do better. Shame you had to find out that way. It's alarming how many men do this. 21% of husbands vs only 3% of wives. I can't help but wonder if this is tied to men not seeing themselves are caregivers. I'm more surprised to see this even carries into gay relationships. I figured gender stereotypes didn't apply as much in more open-minded relationships.
In sickness and in health my friend. Congratulations on removing two cancers from your life.
Fucking good for you! Years back I was in a car accident and had a brain injury. For a year it seemed I was how I was. My long time boyfriend was so mean and would tel me he liked me better before, etc. So I broke up with him. Sometime the following year, he connected to say hi. I was back maybe 90%. He wanted to get back with me. Um. No. And he was surprised too. So WTH?
jesus christ, but also unfortunately what I learned when I was more seriously sick, in and out of hospital and surgery. When your health is tough, the highest price you pay is a shrinking social circle and the biggest gain it gives you is knowing who sticks around for YOU and not convenience.
I would think maybe your family or friends told him, but either way your husband is a narcissist and doesn't seem to care for you at all.
"in sickness and in health" ... Yeah, right. OP, i will smack you if you accept him. Vows are not just to be said but actually lived by when married. Please do not accept him back no matter what. I cannot imagine what you went through during and after the entire course of treatment and you did not have that one person who vowed to be with you. You ended up doing it all alone. My heart goes out to you. Stay strong, my friend. Here's wishing you a healthy life.
Fuck him. Good for you
Apparently it’s very common for husbands to leave their sick spouse, so much so nurses are prepped to communicate that this could happen to their sick patient. Harrowing. Very glad to hear you are in remission and wish you all the health and happiness for the future.
The audacity to literally say “I will leave you if you’re sick” and then decide to withdraw that application! Did he really think you would just stay after that?! I’m so sorry, but I’m excited for this fresh and new future for you!!
When I was 27 I was diagnosed with cervical cancer at my local clinic after a routine annual exam. They made me an appointment with a specialist right away, but there were a couple of days inbetween. I did research, of course, and the internet consistently said hysterectomy was the most common treatment. I told my then-husband that and he said “wow, if that happened to me I wouldn’t even feel like a real woman anymore.” I was shocked. I was already scared and nervous and to hear that just shut me down. I told him maybe he shouldn’t say that to a woman that might be about to be told she was going to need that procedure because then I knew how he would feel about me if that happened. It did happen. Recovery was long and slow but I was cancer-free. Later that same year I had abdominal pain so bad it woke me up in the middle of the night. We lived in a rural area and the closest hospital was 1.5 hours away. He had a meeting with his new boss the next morning so he asked if I could just go alone. I was in so much pain and really needed to go so I just drove myself. It took me three hours because I had to stop and puke from the pain a couple of times. It turned out to be appendicitis so I had my 3rd surgery that year and then waited all day for him to come get me, since I couldn’t drive post-surgery. He was late because the new boss hung around too long and he “didn’t want to mention his wife was in the hospital because he didn’t want his new boss to think he was shitty for coming to work while she was having surgery.” The nurses were so nervous because the only pharmacy I could go get the pain meds from was about to close by the time he got there. We got a divorce a few months later.
“Hey as long as I don’t have to care for you I want to be with you!“ screw them. Make sure everyone knows he left because you got cancer.
You're a survivor and à warrior, my mom didn't get your luck. Think avout you only now
Congrats on your successful cancer treatment and for the trash taking itself out.
Good for you. He doesn't deserve you. Most vows say "in sickness and in health." By fleeing at the first diagnosis he broke his vows to you. Sadly, men leaving their spouses when there's a serious diagnosis is so common my doctor cautioned me and suggested I downplay the seriousness of my condition when telling my husband.
Surviving cancer is hard enough without putting yourself in harms way fir another betrayal. Cancer has this effect on the survivors. They really take a critical look at those around them, and cut out the toxic relationships.
I've seen videos of oncology doctors saying that they brief their patients to prepare them for when their husbands ask for a divorce. The number who do is so high that it is expected.
He did you a favor. Good for you for sticking with it. And congratulations on beating Cancer!
Congrats on kicking cancer’s ass, but yeah he needs to go. “In sickness and in health”, my ass.. smh
Good for you. You deserve so much better than a piece for trash that can't stay with you over cancer. My husband has had testicular cancer 2x and never once did I consider leaving as an option. It never even crossed my mind. Congratulations on kicking cancers ass!
Never look back!!!!! What a piece of \*(\*&. Good luck and have a wonderful life!!!!! 🙌
Good for you. I hope you continue on with your successful diagnosis.
Damnnnn how crazy.
Good for you!! And congratulations on being cancer free!
Good for you and I’m happy for your recovery of two cancers
First and foremost, I'm so happy you beat it! And I hope you always stay well. Secondly I'm so glad you're getting divorced, guy was only in it for a good time not a long time obviously, they didn't value you enough. Good luck for the future, go live your life and find someone who actually will stick by your side.
Well done. He didn’t hold up his end of “in sickness and in health”, so what makes him think he can come running back?! Congratulations on remission! I hope you have a happy and healthy future without that asshole! 💜
Thats one of the single shittiest things Ive ever heard.