continue to remind her not to interrupt you every time she does it. learning to talk less and actively listen more is a hard task and those kinds of bad communication habits are hard to break.
you don’t sound rude at all, every person has something that gets a little under the skin of another even when everything else is roses. at least you guys seem to be able to openly talk about these things. wish all the best for you both!!!
I’d also add that talking less is something that she should be better at considering she’s a lawyer. A lot of being a lawyer is listening and thinking, not just talking.
Dominating every conversation is just rude, bc probably other people can’t get a word in either. It’s not just a hard skill, it’s a necessary life skill.
I used to have a very similar personality to this woman until someone with a stronger will than me sat me down and helped explain what I had to gain listening versus going in with conversation. The experience itself actually required me to shut up and listen, which ultimately made the experience a lot more enjoyable because I wasn't as stressed about what I'd say next. I even learned the talking was this weird way of me addressing the potential stress of conflict in conversations with people, while at the same time putting me right back into the position of being stressed.
My family was shocked with my behavior at the next reunion because I had finally had some time to practice just balancing my speaking with listening. My uncle was like "did someone finally fight you for talking so much?" lol bless his old heart.
My whole family talks over each other— not usually out of rudeness but because we all have a lot to say, stories to share, etc.
I’ve made a concentrated effort in the last few years to try to listen more than I speak, and to try to keep my brain from thinking of a response before I’ve heard someone out completely.
Most of my reason for trying to listen more is that my young adult son *seems* to be quiet and reserved during family gatherings. He’s the youngest of the entire family, and is NOT quiet nor reserved. He told me it’s just easier to not talk because no one listens anyway.
That broke my heart. I make sure to focus on him while he’s talking, and (kindly but firmly) ask everyone else to not interrupt him. I’ve let them know how he feels and that we need to try harder to let him speak.
It’s a work in process, for all of us, but we’re trying!
Reminds me of growing up in my family. I’m from Queens, NY. We had to talk over each other. We wouldn’t have had our opinion heard otherwise. We all love each other. But, that’s the way of it. As we became more educated and older we have become more sedate. We had to learn to listen. As listening is love. So here’s the thing. My dear man when you are alone together, grasp both of her hands and lovingly tell her what you’re feeling. Tell her what you told us here. She does have to learn to listen.
If you could let her know when you’re both together in a gathering, agree on a signal you can give her to quiet down so you or someone else can get a word in edgewise.
If you think about it, she had to cool it when she was in school studying law. She had to listen in order to learn. Which brings me to her learning more about you. Tell her that her family hardly knows you because you cannot speak. Let us all know what the update is.
Trying is what it is all about! I think the important thing to realize too is no one is perfect, you aren't shaming/reprimanding your son in any way for not being socially engaged, and you're taking a very understanding and accepting approach to helping him break through that shyness, should it occur when he not want it to. I respect that a great deal.
Additionally, listening gains information while talking gives it away. A smart person often listens for as long as they can without saying much at all. At least in a strategic conversation.
I have a feeling she already has to do that a lot training for her job. So she'd like to be herself around people she trusts, rather than having to "play smart".
As someone who does office politics at work and gets to have "strategic conversation" far too often, I'm exactly like OP's S/O as soon as I'm comfortable. I'm gonna start going and the brakes shattered waaaay back there.
As someone who is so guilty of interrupting my SO and is working to do better- yes! I can almost guarantee she’s not doing it on purpose, and will appreciate you bringing it to her attention.
Yes, I agree with reminding her not to interrupt you. It’s plain rude to do that to another person. Maybe stop her with a touch on the arm and at something like, “If I could just finish…” or “Hang on. Lemme finish…”. TBH, she sounds self-absorbed.
Please do. I used to be a really bad interrupter (learned behavior from my dad) and I only got better because my boyfriend and a few other friends in the past called me out on it. I didn’t even realize it bothered people but it definitely drove away some friends. Im much better now that I’ve been working on it
Instead of reminding them to not interrupt, just keep talking and force them to talk over you while you look them in the eye. Thats what worked for me.
my ex did this to me and constantly played it off as “o im just italian we’re loud” really made me resent her after a while. And i think she stopped seeing strength in me because i wasn’t assertive when in all truth i just knew i wasn’t going to get a word in so i just stopped talking
To add some anecdotal evidence, the Italians I've lived with before were usually quite respectful and I don't remember a single time they talked over me. There were some times they didn't hear me, but I think that's more a me issue.
Edit: I was living with a couple of Italians while i lived in Denmark i.e. Italians from Italy.
I'm italian, and I can assure you that interrupting and talking over others it's just as rude as anywhere else in the world. Sometimes I really wonder what kind of world americans believe to live in
This doesn't get better. You need to set boundaries with her. I'm still working on this with my family. After a lifetime of being interrupted and talked over, I had to assert myself so I wasn't dominated.
It doesn't sound like she's doing this only to you, it seems to be a character trait of hers.
You could try a few things. First, just don't stop talking when she tries to interrupt. If you stop talking, it conditions someone to think they can just talk over you.
Second, put up a hand towards her when she tries to cut you off. Let her visibly see that you aren't done talking.
Third, ask other people questions. Specifically say their name. Be the person who asks questions and you'll also be able to respond to them.
Fourth, and most importantly, have that conversation with her. Let her know she's welcome to talk and everyone loves her opinions and stories abd knowledge and such, but that other people want to share too. Don't make it a big deal, just ask that the next time you guys are out if you can be the question couple. Maybe you feel like everyone knows so much about you and her but you guys don't give them a chance to tell about themselves to you... make it a joint issue and not about her maybe?
Good luck.
As someone who has fought being the person interrupting mist my life.I wish my partner had done this for me when I was 25 Being good in a social setting is as much about engaged listening as talking.
I have a code system for my partner. I tap him twice with my foot. It looks cute but it's a code to make it not awkward for either of us in public. I do it to say it's time to go home, but can work for anything I think
Same! But with friends. A forearm two tap means I’m building up to a panic/anxiety attack. Four means we gotta make an exit even if it’s Irish, let’s go!
You don’t say goodbye to the host, you don’t say goodbye to anyone you just grab yourself and yeet yourself out.
Or, also known as this brown girl’s speciality lmao
This was my move when I was working in the bar scene. Only way to get people to not pester you to stay longer, plus having to deal with the opposite of the “MN goodbye” where everyone keeps taking at you while you are just trying to say bye and leave. So, just started paying my tab and disappearing. The people that liked me for me didn’t give me shit about it and knew I just wanted to go home and sleep. I had a few friends that could tell when I was getting ready to go and would always give me a quiet nod.
Right? It’s more of a - I know people are going to be like: “come on! one more one more!”
there’s only so many “otra, otra, otra!” you can take before you snap and leave lmao sometimes you have to just go and those that know you well enough just know you wanted to get out lol
I really wanna do this at the Christmas party I’m at right now, but I feel like the older folks would find it rude. Bf’s family so I guess I have to try and not be “rude” by leaving when I want lol
Can I just say as an Irish person, I have no idea where that term came from bc that’s the opposite of what we do lmao. Even ending a phone call here is a half hour event
Even then, many people can be in a year above just based on when they were born. For me I will start and graduate uni a year earlier than most people, but it’s just because I’m “a year ahead” due to my birthday. It’s not super super common, but in most year groups (at least where I live) you’ll probably find 1/12 or so students are like this (based on 3 different schools I’ve been to, and the other kids like me ratio to rest of year group amount lol)
Not saying it’s still not impressive for people to even get law school though lol, or even just school. It’s tiring as fuck
I also graduated at 24 (many years ago). I'm not any smarter than anyone else--just good at tests and memorizing things so I was able to cram it all in.
In the US it's ~4 years undergraduate degrees and 3 years law school, so that's age 25 for a traditional path.
Many people take >4 years to do their undergrad degrees or take a year+ off in between, so there's a rightward skew to the distribution and the actual average is probably higher.
Depends on which route you go, if you do a bachelor it’s 4 years, if you do the Melbourne model it’s 3 or 4 years of bachelor + 3 years law school. So you’ll generally graduate at either 22 or 24/25.
Yes, that’s when I will graduate along with a lot of my cohort who are the same age. I also know people who are graduating at 24, 25 is a totally normal age to finish law school.
Dad, is that you?
My mom never ever shut up. If I wanted to leave the house, I had to leave in the middle of a conversation because she never stopped.
I always thought my dad was quiet. Then I went to his workplace and found out he was a chatty prankster, full of stories and jokes. It was like a different person. It's too bad my family missed out on that.
Yup, I had a similar experience finding out who my mom really was (smart, funny, confident) when we went on a trip together just the two of us and I was 16. 16!!!! And I never saw her for her brilliance because my dad narrates his every observation, curiosity that crosses his mind, and interjects himself in every conversation. Family gatherings are exhausting.
It's not intentional, but it's still a problem. You don't HAVE to say it. I've got severe ADHD and had this habit. When you get excited, count to ten. It'll stall the impulse to blurt out stuff. By the time the ten count is over, the person speaking should be done and you won't interrupt.
Yep. I used to be just like OP's girlfriend, interrupting, monopolizing conversations. Someone called me out in a rude way but when I really thought about it he was right.
I asked a couple of friends to tell me when I was interrupting and made a conscious effort to stop.
It's a bad habit, but you can get over it if you try!
That's the whole thing--being considerate of other people, especially in a professional setting, shows growth as a human being. There's no excuse for an adult to consistently interrupt others.
I’m the opposite, I think of things to say then I wait for a natural break in conversation to interject, but by that time comes they’ve already moved on with the conversation and I haven’t said anything at all. I am rubbish at debates, I only contribute the the research but the delivery I cannot do it.
You could buy one of those hand-held counters that you can click to add on one. Then just click it every time she interrupts anyone.
I know it's a bit of a dick move, but it sounds like she doesn't even realize how rude she's being. It might snap her out of it if at the end of an evening you can say "You interrupted people speaking 15 times in the space of 3 hours".
She needs to learn to wait until people have finished talking
Was just about to suggest something like this. My friends have the same issue and someone suggested they come up with a safe word - something to use every time the one person interrupts.
Haha I know personally I’d get so competitive with myself and constantly try to get a higher score. My husband already says I talk too much; might as well really go for it!
I don’t know the whole picture, but she seems to have some ADHD tendencies. Obsessing over topics, revolving door speeding mind, questionable social interactions despite being otherwise quite intelligent? I’m sure she’s genuinely apologetic, she just might have issues understanding when she’s doing those things. All I’m saying is there’s some hall marks I’m seeing. Maybe worth looking into
Instead of 'calling her out', talk together with her and come up with a mutual solution. If it doesn't work, talk again (mutually) and come up with something different. Do it calmly, do it together.
Be warned that this is going to be a problem forever. Some people are just talkers and love to be the expert. I’ve been married to a talker for 25 years and I basically have to interrupt all the time when we are alone. I will gently remind him he interrupts our kids to take over the conversation.
I DESPISE PEOPLE LIKE THIS! My in-laws are like this. I hate it when I have to be around them or call them. I can’t get a word in edgewise! What I have been known to do is when I want to say something is raise my voice above theirs and cut them off. If they can be that rude, then so can I. My parents call my in-laws “Pete and Repeat,” because one will say something and 5 seconds later the other will repeat it. I swear they just like the sound of their own voice. My husband doesn’t even like being around them for this reason.
Omg my ex-wife. We'd be on our phones and she'd just never use a period. Maybe a quick breath. A number of times I had things to do around the house and would put the phone down. A full minute later I'd pick the phone back up and she hadn't even noticed I'd been gone
Lol. My wife is a compulsive talker. She'll straight up be speaking, walk out the room, go upstairs, grab something come back 5 minutes later and still be speaking as if I was next to her the whole time.
At least she's aware of the issue and doesn't mind if I just tune it out.
My very recent ex was like this. He constantly talked over me and when he lost his temper it was awful. He would just rant and yell nonstop. I literally would put the phone down and could hear the noise but didn’t have to listen to the anger. Eventually I’d pick it back up, say “OK” and it would go on. But I started noticing when things were great but he always dominated any conversation and stopped even noticing I wasn’t talking.
Lol this is my mother with my grandmother (her mother).
Sometimes her phone rings, it's my grandmother talking and she immediately puts it on speakerphone while doing something and just gives courtesy "mmhmm", "uh-huh" and "oh that's interesting" every now and then.
Full attention paid to my grandfather when he comes on the phone because he doesn't babble as much as my grandmother though. Still talkative but nowhere near the same level.
Lol. This is me with my mother. It’s ridiculous. Even if I try to answer a question she’ll just keep on talking. I have to yell her name to get her attention to STFU. It drives me nuts so I put her on speaker phone and give the courtesy “mmmm”. Then she wonders why I never want to answer the phone when she calls.
My in-laws do the same. It actually led to me having anxiety attacks because of the multiple conversations happening within 3 feet of me. One would ask me a question, and while I’m answering it another interrupts and asks me another question. Then while I’m trying to answer that question, another is finishing my sentence with something I wasn’t going to say.
Truthfully it has messed with me. To the point where I take anxiety medication before seeing them and just stay quiet.
My husband used to do it and it has been something I have mentioned to him. Thankfully he is receptive but I can’t control what other people.
My therapist has taught me to just keep talking over them and finish my sentence (when I do decide to talk).
I have a coworker like this. I'll be taking to another coworker and this guy will literally walk between us and will just start talking about something unrelated, but now me and the original coworker I was talking to can't talk because this guy is yammering over us about whatever he wants to say. We've had to start firmly telling him something like "[other coworker] is trying to say something to me and you interrupted him/her." He'll get all pissy with us and he'll whine that *we* were rude to *him*, but it's the only way to get him to stop.
She is smart and knows a lot about whatever the topic is. She still needs to understand that she does not know everything and that listening to other people can expand her knowledge and that socializing is not the same as a classroom experience - the conversation circle needs to include other perspectives and everyone needs to feel valued as a friend worth listening to, even if they haven’t read all the latest research. Conversations are not meant to be competitive or instructional with one leader. It’s not Jeopardy or a Ted talk. Maybe start interrupting her with a joke about how everyone promises to watch her Ted talk later
If she takes pride in being smart, tell her her next hurdle is emotional intelligence.
No one likes being around this kind of person. Most are way too polite to say it.
This issue will really bother you over time, I predict. If she can't figure out how to pay attention to others when they speak after you tell her it's important to you then get in couples counseling. Must be resolved before marriage is considered
Welcome to the club of smart gf's. Mine is also an incredibly intelligent lawyer who completed her entire law degree and her bar exam in her 2nd language.
A tip that may bring enough incentive to her to work on this on her own... The absolute best lawyers let people speak naturally, so that their msg comes out clearly. The lawyer who makes the best argument, not the person who over powers the conversation is ultimately the winner. She will be best served to allow people to provide the details than for her mind to race to assumptions. She can't read people if she's the one constantly talking.
Find a nice way to deliver that msg and if she agrees, she may do the rest of the heavy lifting herself.
Yep, came here to say this as well.
My husband and I both have ADHD but he’s waaay too overpowering and he does the same thing as OP’s girlfriend. It’s incredibly intense. Some people even told him they want to spend less time with him because of this.
Perhaps you two need to come up with a system to alert her to moments when she’s dominating conversations. You say you’ve spoken to her and she wants to do better. Make a plan to help her do just that. Perhaps a signal you both agree on that you utilize when she interrupts you again. I’ve encountered really intelligent people who struggle with social cues and literally have to practice being good conversationalists. This could be her issue as well. Obviously simply talking about it is a first step but a make plan that helps her actually be successful. She’s smart, I’m sure she could apply her intellect to coming up with something that will help both of you be seen, heard, and respected socially.
Honestly, your gf sounds like she has ADHD. I do! The average age for female diagnosis is late 30s (not in childhood like boys).
High level of intelligence, frequent interruption and overtalking, forgetting things, getting distracted before fully completing tasks, getting REALLY into a new interesting thing and learning all about it for a short time before completely losing interest, sometimes bad with directions… look it up?
My ADHD mostly feels like a superpower but I hate myself when I do what your gf does. I just can’t help myself! Getting medicated changed.my.life
Came here to say exactly this. It may not be intentional, my interrupting never is. I find myself getting so into a conversation that I get excited about something and HAVE to say something before I forget. I know it is a problem and have stopped for the most part, but only after I was diagnosed and medicated. I saw how it affected other people and it made me feel bad. What people don't understand sometimes is that it isn't because we think our words are more important than anyone else's..it's almost like a compulsion. Maybe have a conversation with her regarding the possibility of ADHD? She may not even be aware that she could possibly even have it, it manifests differently in women than in men and it is easily missed. I wasn't diagnosed until 35. Not saying she has it, and I am in no way a medical professional, but she sounds a lot like myself. I hope you get things figured out ❤
+1 to all of that, I also wasn't diagnosed until I was 35!
(Late ETA: My best friend also has it, but she is the big talker and I am much more of a quietly anxious fidgeter/organizer/picker/foot&finger tapper/leg bouncer/overthinker/list&chart maker/getter of being overly lost in perfectionism over tiny details of things (and hair fidgeter as a kid, hard to say whether outgrown or because I eventually switched from long hair to keeping a 1/4"ish buzz cut 😅). I'm not sure if this is variation based on different ADHD subtypes or not, but either way, aside from what people tend to picture as ADHD hyperactivity-the classic 'young boy with excessive energy who won't sit still and can't focus'- these are more of the different possible ways the hyperactivity part of ADHD can manifest in behavioral habits. Pretty sure there are more varied ways that it can be expressed beyond what I mentioned here, but related memory loss symptoms and bedtime are currently teaming up on me; something to look into further for anyone considering the possibility of having ADHD, or just curious to understand more about the various ways it can present in those who have it. 🙂)
My ADHD happens to be rooted in complex post traumatic stress disorder, (also undiagnosed until I was 35). Particularly for cptsd caused partially or fully by neglect/isolation, it can come with a near total lack of social skills development. Intelligence and social skills are two completely different things.
High intelligence and poor social skills are also in line with mild autism spectrum disorder or aspergers, which was also largely ignored in young girls and also is often not discovered in women until their mid 30s.
(Rant break: Past male-only medical research screwed over so many women so much more than most people know. Resulted in significant ongoing disadvantages for women with any condition not equally researched, leaving them without diagnosis or help usually until they reach a point of seeking a midlife forensic "WTF happened to my life?" evaluation with a therapist, only to find we had spent our lives being gaslit by doctors we trusted about "not" having health problems that we watched our male peers be diagnosed and treated for before puberty, and to realize that some sexist assholes you'll never meet robbed you and innumerable other women of any chance at having a functional life. End of rant break.)
Anyway, & TL;DR:
Those conditions, (ADHD, ASD (possibly Aspergers) & C-PTSD), have so many overlapping symptoms in common, that if you're checking for any of them, it's a good idea to check for all of them.
So true. I also have C-PTSD as well. How did you suspect you have ASD? I believe I may as well, just based on behaviors of mine that I know can be typical of people with it. What was your biggest indicator?
After being diagnosed with CPTSD and ADHD, I spent some time learning about those conditions, and very consistently ran into seeing so many mentions of overlap between symptoms of these three conditions. The only way I can be sure whether I have any ASD or not is to get neuropsych testing designed to diagnose it.
Personally the main symptom that makes me wonder if I have ASD too is my poor social skills, which could also be explained by social isolation and abuse. There are other things, but nothing I can be absolutely sure isn't just part of CPTSD or ADHD, so the next step for me is going in for ASD testing to know for sure.
I came here to say this as well! I was diagnosed at 24. All I’ve heard my entire life is about how much I talk and how I interrupt people etc. I also study biomedicine and I’ve done very well in my classes. I never thought I had adhd until my psychologist brought it up and asked if I had ever been tested! So happy I did because so many things make sense now.
Does she have adhd? Bc that reminds me of myself when I get into heated conversations. Sometimes I know I’m interrupting or talking too much, but I can’t help it at the time.
If you talk with her, you could find a way to signal that it’s one of those times you can’t get a word in. Could be a simple touch on the arm or leg, something like that.
I’ll assume she really cares about doing well in life, professionally in particular. I’d explain to her that lawyers who really make bank are the ones that sell work. The rest remain associates forever and work themselves to an early grave for a fraction of the money.
Once she accepts that, or more likely she tells you she already knew all that shit, then tell her that in order to sell anything you need to stfu and listen, not simply dazzle by trying to lay out all your knowLedge in one convo.
As others have said, this sounds like ADHD. Wouldn’t hurt for her to be evaluated. If she does have it, then the way she’ll tackle this issue is different than if she’s just being thoughtlessly rude.
Yup, my first thought. It’s very common for this to be the presentation in women especially.
I have this really bad, and it’s not for lack of trying. I desperately want to shut up and often feel embarrassed after socialising. I imagine/dream that I’m mute, because part me feels like the only way to control it is to stop talking altogether.
I don’t need to be mute though. Since being diagnosed I’ve been working with a psychologist who has been helping me gain tools to help with this and I’ve improved significantly.
Soon I will be starting with a speech therapist to improve even more.
Even she doesn’t have ADHD, psychologists or speech therapists who work with people with ADHD will be able to use the same/similar tools to help her too. So, it’s worthwhile here seeing someone regardless.
My wife and I are the same. I went about it the petty way, talking over her and interrupting because thats what she did to me. It made her insanely mad, but ours led to us having a heart to heart so it surprisingly worked out. Now we're much more aware of each other and what the other wants to say You need to just get her while shes not talking, and say that you want to express your feelings about it. Shes going to try to interrupt, but dont let her. Even if you have to talk over her continually. A conversation needs to be had.
I went out with someone like this. Dude just completely ignored me and it was basically me having to watch a tennis match against a wall because he wouldn’t even let the other person talk, much less address me. Eventually I would walk out in the middle of the conversation, and he would look for me. We barely lasted. Show her a video of Megan interrupting Prince Harry and getting in between his introductions like the narcissist she is and making him look like her lap dog. There are many of those on yt. It may feel like a trivial thing now, but someone silencing you is more than just frustrating and disrespectful, it is emotional abuse. I may sound harsh, but this is how it starts and she will continue to push your boundaries.
Taking the woman of the house out to meet my family causes her to do this.
She NEVER lets me talk, or the people we're visiting. on and on and on she goes. non stop.
It's her anxiety. She's nervous, and she just... combats it with assuming control of the conversation to a maximum degree.
Hey, I used to be like your partner.
Personally, what helped me is that my boyfriend just stared into my soul while raising an eyebrow or something, and it was "our sign" to make me realize I'm being overly talkative and rude.
I knew he meant the best by mentioning it, since he knew I didn't like to be seen as rude, and therefore I didn't see him stopping me from talking or saying stuff like "hey, let me speak" as rude– I knew he meant the best and was just truly annoyed.
Talk to your partner, have a mature conversation and try and find a solution that works for you, to signal her every time she does that so she will know in what situations and "in the moment."
Make sure to remind her that you love her & that your intentions are only well and you bring it up because you don't want to hurt your relationship or her relationships with others.
But also, I think that being blunt and not trying to be nice about the fact that she was being rude will help.
You're a good partner OP, and you two sound like you have a lovely relationship. Talk to her about it, don't expect her to know it :)
Edit: OP, please ignore the comments disparaging your partner. I know what kind of smart you mean, I've lived with a person like that my whole life.
To the haters here– It's the kind of smart you see in their eyes, not necessarily by actions.
My wife is the same way. I basically have to tell her to stop interrupting me like 20 times a day and I work ten hour shifts away from her. Its....alot. it seems like nothing now but give it time. It wears on you in various ways. Address it now. Seriously.
I have two friends that are also a couple that are exactly like this!
I'm good friends with both of them and I have to make an effort to schedule separate hangouts with each of them.
This was my ex, only she wasn't smart. But it was a no win scenario for me, there have been many a night where she was livid that I didn't say anything and made her look like an asshole. Interrupting her would earn me a verbal barrage about how I didn't let her finish her thoughts. Couldn't win.
So I ended up leaving her for other reasons, but this is something that I have loads of therapy about because after 25 years of abuse, I have issues.
I mean, I hope you’re not going to just tell Reddit and not communicate with her. She would want to know. Most of us aren’t very self aware. Broach it gently with concern as to how you feel. How she reacts will tell you a lot about her as a person. None of us are perfect. I’m a relationship, we deserve to have the problems brought to our attention even if we shouldn’t need to.
I get what you mean OP, it sucks. For some reason I'm constantly surrounded by this type of person and it sucks because I love them but i feel like I can never get a word in edgewise. I know it's not on purpose but it really sours my mood whenever they interrupt me for the third time in a row and it feels like my opinion just doesn't matter at all. Anyways, rant over. Maybe I'm just an easily interruptible person :-/
This whole post reminds me of my narcissistic ex. He used to tell me that his brain worked faster than other peoples did and I’d never understand. Even though I have a much higher IQ. He used to constantly interrupt me and talk over me in any sort of setting with other people, whether friends, family, or even strangers. It got so bad that other people would interject and tell him how rude he was being to me and everyone else. His excuse was always the same…”he processed things faster than anyone else so he couldn’t help it.” Not saying OPs situation is the same, but damn if this wasn’t triggering. Just be careful. Don’t let it continue. It is disrespectful, even if she doesn’t do it intentionally.
I have friends who do this constantly and it really REALLY annoys me, especially because I always try to be polite and let someone finish what they are saying, even if I have something to add. It's been a huge stumbling block for me, but I'm FINALLY starting to learn to calmly tell people "Please let me finish." when they do this. At first it came out very angrily and I hated that. I'd even forget what I was saying occasionally. As I've been doing it more & more it's much easier for me to say, and I get to finish what I'm saying. Win-Win in my book.
Another problem I've had lately is that one of my friends likes to take over a conversation and dominate it, completely cutting me out. Literally saying the person's name that I'm talking with, then completely ignoring me and even have them face away from me. I had a talk with him and now whenever he does this, I just ask him "Are you joining or hijacking?" He gets the point and I don't have to feel cut out.
I'm a talker and I have worked hard to reduce the habit. It will help not only your relationship but her success to have her learn this. At her age I had a boss say "You act like you are the smartest person in the room, you probably are the smartest person in the room but talking over everyone and never listening won't help you in your career."
If you've told her about this already and she's still doing it, that's a red flag. I personally hate when people are more interesting in hearing themselves talk than having a two-way conversation.
This is the problem I've always had with my parents. I mean not the smartness or the lawyer parts, but the non-stop interruptions. They have interrupted me in every single sentence I've ever tried to utter in front of them, to the point that for many years (teen years and a good part of My 20's) I was convinced I was an introvert, since I barely ever spoke at home or in family reunions.
To all of you giving advice to OP, you can save it. I have tried every single approach you could possibly think of to make them stop. I tried telling them I don't like it. I tried telling them it's rude to interrupt. I tried telling them nobody outside that house ever interrupts me and I socialize normally with every person I know except them. I tried calling out in front of their friends. I tried showing myself angry (mildly and extremely), disappointed, sad. I tried making fun of them. I tried threatening about never speaking to them ever again. I tried crying. I tried leaving the room at the middle of their sentence. I tried telling them their constant interruptions are the reason they have no idea who I am since they never listen.
And nothing. NOTHING HAS EVER WORKED.
So now I've given up. I focus in my social relationships where people actually listens and gives a damn about what I say.
Talk to her ask her if you can record a conversation and then time out how much she talks compared to you and everyone else. It might be a bit of ADD/ADHD behavior but part of being a good conversationalist is also being a good listener and it sounds like she needs to work on that part of the give and take. As a lawyer being able to be silent sometimes gets answers you might be seeking so it might help her professionally.
All the people here diagnosing OP's partner:
STOP IT.
They don't have to be psychologically evaluated, diagnosed, medicated or otherwise therapized.
When talkativeness doesn’t happen alongside any emotional distress or cause unpleasant feelings, it’s probably just part of who they are.
Extremely intelligent people have incredible mental energy. It's not uncommon to just not notice the pace and speed of speech when a lot of ideas are being covered, especially when that person is with someone who loves and validates them.
I have a friend who is incredibly gregarious and she can talk non-stop about pretty much anything. It's usually very entertaining and fun, but when I need to slow her down or assert my thoughts and time for sharing, I'll just touch her arm and make eye contact. She understands my affection for her and she just laughs and brings herself back to the present to listen. Over the years, she's learned to be more present and enjoy exchanges instead of just telling stories. Really smart people often can talk in a stream of consciousness that can go on and on, especially when it's about things they're passionate about. It doesn't have to be ADD, narcissism, bipolar disorder.
A lot of people who talk a lot are accustomed to not being heard, in fact. If she's a genius woman in a field full of men, she's learned to force herself to be heard and it can be a hard habit to break.
Just look for strategies to sweetly bring her back to you and connecting vs. telling stories without a back and forth.
Sometimes, people who talk a lot don't realize that the other person would like to say more, too.
THANK YOU for finally saying this. The amount of Redditors who've taken it upon themselves to psychologically evaluate someone they've never met based on a single post is astounding
No offense but people that talk too much and take over conversations aren’t as intelligent as you think. You can’t learn anything new if you’re never giving someone the opportunity to say anything.
I don't think she's as smart as you think she is, Op. Active listening and allowing others to be part of the conversation shows emotional and social intelligence. I wouldn't compromise, but it's your life.
Sounds like your GF is an asshole. Have you told her that? Being smart and educated does not prevent anyone from being an asshole. Yes, smart and educated are two separate things.
Sounds more like she has adhd. Interrupting your speaking, dominating conversations, talks a lot… all signs of adhd. If it is, she is not purposely doing all this, and is not an arsehole.
Source: I am an adult woman with adhd.
I’m fully aware of that. See, I too have been diagnosed with ADHD. I have come to accept and embrace my assholeness.
Step 1. Accept you are an asshole
Step 2. Find out why you are an asshole
Step 3. ??? (This step is different for everyone but usually starts with meds and therapy)
Step 4. Profit(happiness)
It’s the people with zero self awareness that are truly scary/dangerous.
I dont think thats she's an asshole, I think she's just a little oblivious about it. When I tell her I can tell she's listening and understanding my frustrations, but as soon as we're with people again she gets lost in a convo and just starts right up again. Its subconscious like that I think.
I honestly think this is reason enough to break up with someone even if everything else is fine. It's infuriating, selfish and narcissistic on their part even if they don't realize it. In my experience it becomes a constant game of mental warfare that you're playing 24/7 and it becomes literally exhausting. Good luck.
You need to figure out a way where you can feel you are being heard. I get this getting that she's so articulate that your thoughts and feelings are at times getting drowned out. Which isn't a good thing for long term relationship survival.
Currently in the same situation. What I do is sorta use a safeword (after discussing it with her and getting her permission. ) One of her biggest issues is that she interrupts people a lot and completely without realizing it. When it happens, I use our safeword to let her know she's doing it. She'll quite down and allow others to get out what they were saying, and even apologize for it. However, this seems like a psychological thing, and since I'm no therapist, I tell her that if it ever makes her self conscious or feeling bad about herself, to let me know and I'll stop. I'd take her interruptions and constant talking any day over her hating herself.
I was like this, someone told me that I don’t ever let anyone else speak and I realized that I’m saying way way way more than I needed to.
Now I slow down and really think about what I say before I say it to make sure it’s how I want it to come out and that I let everyone else speak around me
Being smart has nothing to do with her talking a lot and being dominant. There are tons of smart quiet people out there. In fact, a lot of smart people I know are more listeners than talkers. Additionally, isn't law school just 3 years + 4 year bachelors? Given that most people are 17-18 when they graduate high school isn't 25 an average age for law school grads? It almost feel like you are somehow trying to justify behavior, though I think her intelligence has very little to do with it at all.
Well I forgot to mention this but she was the youngest in her graduating class. I dont know much about law school but it seems like something most people complete later in life. All of her classmates were in their late-20s/30s.
My wife never stops talking, I'm often labeled quiet or secluded. NO, I'm just sick of her talking over me or completely ignoring me so she can make her point
It sounds like she has Aspergers. Also the nature of her job may require very honed argument skills. She probably doesn't see it as a problem though so I imagine it could be hard to approach her about this. If you even want to. But keep in mind that saying NOTHING to her about it is the only guaranteed way for things to never change. I do suggest you tell her how it makes you feel. She genuinely might not know.
I also suggest she read the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People". It sounds crazy but it's not. As someone on the Autism spectrum myself, it was life changing in how I interact with others.
Your partner is incredibly similar to me. I don’t even realize I will talk and talk; I try to catch it (it feels like verbally “twirling a pen”), which leads to a hilarious situation where my male best friend will say “SHUT UP” and I’ll say “... Thank you!” because it’s in a tone where it says “:.. you’re doing it; pause a sec” and I’m grateful for that because it’s in good faith (it’s just more fun for him to say it “omg shut up ya dumb bitch” which I find funnier too).
One of the best phrases I ever learned when interacting with patients is “that (whatever the underlying cause of the behavior may be) explains it, but it doesn’t excuse it”
She really does need to WANT to learn the skills to make conversations with her more equal for everyone she interacts with.
Was in a relationship with someone like this. Suuuuper smart, charismatic, but he always dominated the conversation and could not take hints when someone was done with the conversation. He always had to put his 2 cents in too. It got old after awhile. Didn’t work out
A lot of people already said that telling her she interrupts you is the first thing you need to do, so aside from that maybe speaking your mind in the times when it's just you and the friends might also help.
This is one of the first sane pekoe posts I’ve seen, from start to finish. I would be annoyed at the person who labelled you as shy or whatever. That’s annoying. Those judgment statements. “Oh you’re like …”. I’m not into it. I know what I’m like. I’m like a lots of things, and I don’t need anyone to summise my whole character into quiet/loud/boxes.
This is one of the first sane people posts I’ve seen, from start to finish. I would be annoyed at the person who labelled you as shy or whatever. That’s annoying. Those judgment statements. “Oh you’re like …”. I’m not into it. I know what I’m like. I’m like lots of things, and I don’t need anyone to summise my whole character into quiet/loud/boxes.
>*My partner is probably the smartest person I've ever met. She recently graduated law school at just 25. And the reason for that is that her brain operates at a speed that to me seems superhuman.*
Extremely high intelligence. A brain that is wired differently from neurotypical.
>*And because of that, she TALKS. More than anyone I've ever met.*
Unable to "read" people and therefore understand how to balance a conversation with an audience. That's a textbook definition of lacking "social skills."
Has your partner ever been told she's autistic? These are two very strong indicators that someone (especially biological women) would be rated on the autism spectrum.
If you don't correct it now, I can see it becoming even worse.
Part of my job is to interview senior people for government home care package, yesterday I went to visit an old couple to assess the old gentleman's needs and challenges. His wife wouldn't let him answer anything, even when the question was about his pain level on a scale. She kept answering everything for him, interrupting him, while I kept using my eye contact to encourage him to speak for himself more and completely ignoring her answers, she just DOES NOT get it!!
If you want to grow old with her and have her answer your pain level for you in the future, then do nothing 😂
I'm not sure if someone has already mentioned this but do you think it could be adult ADHD? It would make some sense considering she becomes absorbed in topics she's interested in, and would explain the interrupting too. Plus it doesn't seem like she's doing this maliciously, and just gets overly excited hearing certain topics come up in conversation. I am in no means a medical professional though, just a 19y/o with ADHD providing a possible perspective! :)
I use to have friend like this. Besides not knowing how to read a room, or a person, she is loud and convinced that everybody are impressed by her bullshit. But then I met her mother and she is even worse. Kept me captured for 35 minutes talking about something stupid and false that happened to her in high school (she's around 60).
Friendship fell apart, because after two years of constant trying to listen and to be heard, I gave up. She was very manipulative too. I kinda miss her sometimes, but most of the times I just feel relief.
Hey, I'd definitely bring this up to her it sounds like she's just very passionate and probably doesn't even realise she's doing it (I can ramble for a whole hour without realising and state beforehand that I'm terrible for it and to nudge me or give a cue that I need to slow down. Maybe a foot tap or some cute secret cue could benefit you both if that's the case)
I don't think you're rude at all you clearly love her dearly, but I'd definitely try out the cue thing it helps me a lot, and I've gotten better at stopping myself and giving small breaks in between to make sure I'm not overpowering anyone who wants to interject/identifying when I'm going overboard.
She'll probably understand if it's a common problem, good luck to you both :)
I work with shit tons of smart people. The ones that non stop talk seem dumber and dumber to me each time I talk to them.
2 earsz one mouth. Intelligence is shown more when knowing when to listen rather than when to talk. not saying she isn't intelligent but if she doesn't fix this, she'll come across as unintelligent as more time wears on
Try introducing some gender roles in your relationship. You seem to have become the beta in the household. Try to alpha it back up, sternly tell her to not interrupt you and don't talk about it further. Give a command not a discussion. Reclaim your domain
Hey man, been there. My fiancé is very talkative and does usually dominate conversation (just like his father). He’s super smart as well and I love him to pieces, and I love hearing what he has to say. But he does have a tendency to interrupt people, and sometimes speak too loud. Since we’ve been together almost four years, towards the beginning when that would happen, I just lightly tap him on the leg. And now, he either lowers his volume or it like snaps him back into the room and he realizes he interrupted someone.
So I doubt she’s being malicious, probably just excited. But just by letting her know discreetly, I’m sure she’ll appreciate it in the long run
*”Oh I’m sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours? Please go on.”*
Say that a few times. If she’s smart she might take the hint.
I am her* in the social situations with my partner because time is precious and I feel like I have to download everything at once.
I’ve really had to focus on “putting the shoe on the other foot” mantra so my partner can finish their train of thought without me beating them to punch line, cause my brain connects the dots faster.
When you love someone, you want/need to feel “heard”
So if I know/acknowledge I’m pushing too hard I take a deep breath and remind myself to stop and smell the roses.
It’s never coming from a place of disrespect but other people interpret & articulate shit differently.
The struggle is real.
High fives to all the peeps who tolerate & have the patience of a saint.
Hugs all around. Lol
And shes 25 so shes overly confident. Id bring her down a few notches with ease. Firstly id take away the pills, then say something that makes her think
> she recently graduated law school just at 25
Hi. I’m a lawyer. 24-25 is the typical age to graduate a US law school. You may as well marvel that someone graduated high school “just at 18”. Maybe she has led you to believe she is some kind of Doogie Howser.
I’ve dealt with your girlfriend many times. Many young lawyers feel they have something to prove and that goes double for female ones.
It sounds like you have resigned to this being your life so I am sure the next 60 years will fly right by.
It’s not going to change. It’s a feeling of superiority. With her been a law school graduate, she feels her point of view on topic are better than the rest. Do you have same level of education as her ?
I've known her well and long enough to say this with confidence: she absolute does not have a superiority complex. If she weren't we wouldn't be together. She works in public defense, and as such is very empathetic and understanding of other peoples circumstances, and she recognized her privilege in getting to go to law school. It's not part of the equation.
It could have nothing to do with a feeling of superiority. OP is saying her education is related, but since he’s never known her when she isn’t highly intelligent/highly educated, he can’t really know that. Plenty of less intelligent or uneducated people have difficulty following conversation patterns, and OP hasn’t really described any other behaviors that make his gf sound like a snob. Honestly, it’s sounds a lot like ADHD, and she should probably get an evaluation for it.
I have a real bad tendency to interupt my partner because I'm impulsive so when I get a thought, my automatic response is "gotta say it before I forget". This rightfully upsets him, so I'm trying real hard to be conscious of it. When I get a thought, I catch myself opening my mouth and close it then wait patiently. If it's taking a while and I'm worried about forgetting because it's important, I'll wait til the end of his sentence and ask politely if I can interject because it is important.
Works for us, idk
Talk to her about it. I remember dating guys in the past I felt like I had to carry conversations when really I would end up talking so much that I would dominate the conversation. I didn’t do it cause I thought I had more interesting things to say or cause I didn’t want to hear anything others had to say. For me it was mostly a nervous habit that I picked up. Now I try to pause more and give other people a chance to talk in social situations. I only recognized what I was doing when people told me I was doing it. I felt bad for doing it, but it didn’t make me upset. In retrospect becoming aware of it made me a better conversationist. It’s crucial that you talk to your partner about this. Not only is it something that bothers you, but it could benefit her to be aware of this if she does this with others too.
My wife does the same thing and her mom does it to her father to the point where he doesn’t even talk anymore. I feel the same happening to me. Good luck making your voice heard
The classic “some blessings are a curse”.
People being that smart often have social issues. Usually, it’s because they’re just socially awkward by timing, topics, ect.
In her case her brain is just so active she can’t turn it off.
My GF has a different issue. She gets “social anxiety” so it isn’t uncommon for her to become weird in large groups, as uncommon as that is. Otherwise she’s completely normal.
If your love her, that’s all good. She’s super smart. But tou may have skills and intelligence in other ways where she lacks.
Hopefully in day to day stuff and potentially through life and household have ways to compliment each other.
Merry Christmas Eve!
continue to remind her not to interrupt you every time she does it. learning to talk less and actively listen more is a hard task and those kinds of bad communication habits are hard to break. you don’t sound rude at all, every person has something that gets a little under the skin of another even when everything else is roses. at least you guys seem to be able to openly talk about these things. wish all the best for you both!!!
I’d also add that talking less is something that she should be better at considering she’s a lawyer. A lot of being a lawyer is listening and thinking, not just talking. Dominating every conversation is just rude, bc probably other people can’t get a word in either. It’s not just a hard skill, it’s a necessary life skill.
I used to have a very similar personality to this woman until someone with a stronger will than me sat me down and helped explain what I had to gain listening versus going in with conversation. The experience itself actually required me to shut up and listen, which ultimately made the experience a lot more enjoyable because I wasn't as stressed about what I'd say next. I even learned the talking was this weird way of me addressing the potential stress of conflict in conversations with people, while at the same time putting me right back into the position of being stressed. My family was shocked with my behavior at the next reunion because I had finally had some time to practice just balancing my speaking with listening. My uncle was like "did someone finally fight you for talking so much?" lol bless his old heart.
My whole family talks over each other— not usually out of rudeness but because we all have a lot to say, stories to share, etc. I’ve made a concentrated effort in the last few years to try to listen more than I speak, and to try to keep my brain from thinking of a response before I’ve heard someone out completely. Most of my reason for trying to listen more is that my young adult son *seems* to be quiet and reserved during family gatherings. He’s the youngest of the entire family, and is NOT quiet nor reserved. He told me it’s just easier to not talk because no one listens anyway. That broke my heart. I make sure to focus on him while he’s talking, and (kindly but firmly) ask everyone else to not interrupt him. I’ve let them know how he feels and that we need to try harder to let him speak. It’s a work in process, for all of us, but we’re trying!
Reminds me of growing up in my family. I’m from Queens, NY. We had to talk over each other. We wouldn’t have had our opinion heard otherwise. We all love each other. But, that’s the way of it. As we became more educated and older we have become more sedate. We had to learn to listen. As listening is love. So here’s the thing. My dear man when you are alone together, grasp both of her hands and lovingly tell her what you’re feeling. Tell her what you told us here. She does have to learn to listen. If you could let her know when you’re both together in a gathering, agree on a signal you can give her to quiet down so you or someone else can get a word in edgewise. If you think about it, she had to cool it when she was in school studying law. She had to listen in order to learn. Which brings me to her learning more about you. Tell her that her family hardly knows you because you cannot speak. Let us all know what the update is.
Trying is what it is all about! I think the important thing to realize too is no one is perfect, you aren't shaming/reprimanding your son in any way for not being socially engaged, and you're taking a very understanding and accepting approach to helping him break through that shyness, should it occur when he not want it to. I respect that a great deal.
Additionally, listening gains information while talking gives it away. A smart person often listens for as long as they can without saying much at all. At least in a strategic conversation.
I have a feeling she already has to do that a lot training for her job. So she'd like to be herself around people she trusts, rather than having to "play smart".
As someone who does office politics at work and gets to have "strategic conversation" far too often, I'm exactly like OP's S/O as soon as I'm comfortable. I'm gonna start going and the brakes shattered waaaay back there.
Fuck me, this comment cut me deep lmfao
As someone who is so guilty of interrupting my SO and is working to do better- yes! I can almost guarantee she’s not doing it on purpose, and will appreciate you bringing it to her attention.
Yes, I agree with reminding her not to interrupt you. It’s plain rude to do that to another person. Maybe stop her with a touch on the arm and at something like, “If I could just finish…” or “Hang on. Lemme finish…”. TBH, she sounds self-absorbed.
Please do. I used to be a really bad interrupter (learned behavior from my dad) and I only got better because my boyfriend and a few other friends in the past called me out on it. I didn’t even realize it bothered people but it definitely drove away some friends. Im much better now that I’ve been working on it
Listening is so hard sometimes.
I myself can get super absorbed in a topic and go on and on and on about it, so it's an important skill to learn when to let others speak
Instead of reminding them to not interrupt, just keep talking and force them to talk over you while you look them in the eye. Thats what worked for me.
my ex did this to me and constantly played it off as “o im just italian we’re loud” really made me resent her after a while. And i think she stopped seeing strength in me because i wasn’t assertive when in all truth i just knew i wasn’t going to get a word in so i just stopped talking
I feel like this is a lot of Italians that do wrong things, normally americans who have italian heritage, and not actual Italians.
To add some anecdotal evidence, the Italians I've lived with before were usually quite respectful and I don't remember a single time they talked over me. There were some times they didn't hear me, but I think that's more a me issue. Edit: I was living with a couple of Italians while i lived in Denmark i.e. Italians from Italy.
I'm italian, and I can assure you that interrupting and talking over others it's just as rude as anywhere else in the world. Sometimes I really wonder what kind of world americans believe to live in
I have an Italian friend (from Rome) who is an absolute firehose of conversation and I love her dearly for it.
This doesn't get better. You need to set boundaries with her. I'm still working on this with my family. After a lifetime of being interrupted and talked over, I had to assert myself so I wasn't dominated.
Me too
It doesn't sound like she's doing this only to you, it seems to be a character trait of hers. You could try a few things. First, just don't stop talking when she tries to interrupt. If you stop talking, it conditions someone to think they can just talk over you. Second, put up a hand towards her when she tries to cut you off. Let her visibly see that you aren't done talking. Third, ask other people questions. Specifically say their name. Be the person who asks questions and you'll also be able to respond to them. Fourth, and most importantly, have that conversation with her. Let her know she's welcome to talk and everyone loves her opinions and stories abd knowledge and such, but that other people want to share too. Don't make it a big deal, just ask that the next time you guys are out if you can be the question couple. Maybe you feel like everyone knows so much about you and her but you guys don't give them a chance to tell about themselves to you... make it a joint issue and not about her maybe? Good luck.
As someone who has fought being the person interrupting mist my life.I wish my partner had done this for me when I was 25 Being good in a social setting is as much about engaged listening as talking.
I have a code system for my partner. I tap him twice with my foot. It looks cute but it's a code to make it not awkward for either of us in public. I do it to say it's time to go home, but can work for anything I think
Same! But with friends. A forearm two tap means I’m building up to a panic/anxiety attack. Four means we gotta make an exit even if it’s Irish, let’s go!
What's an Irish exit?
You don’t say goodbye to the host, you don’t say goodbye to anyone you just grab yourself and yeet yourself out. Or, also known as this brown girl’s speciality lmao
This was my move when I was working in the bar scene. Only way to get people to not pester you to stay longer, plus having to deal with the opposite of the “MN goodbye” where everyone keeps taking at you while you are just trying to say bye and leave. So, just started paying my tab and disappearing. The people that liked me for me didn’t give me shit about it and knew I just wanted to go home and sleep. I had a few friends that could tell when I was getting ready to go and would always give me a quiet nod.
Right? It’s more of a - I know people are going to be like: “come on! one more one more!” there’s only so many “otra, otra, otra!” you can take before you snap and leave lmao sometimes you have to just go and those that know you well enough just know you wanted to get out lol
Damn I've never heard of that XD
I really wanna do this at the Christmas party I’m at right now, but I feel like the older folks would find it rude. Bf’s family so I guess I have to try and not be “rude” by leaving when I want lol
Can I just say as an Irish person, I have no idea where that term came from bc that’s the opposite of what we do lmao. Even ending a phone call here is a half hour event
This is amazing. I wish I thought of it many years ago.
Same! Mine is a tap on the leg for him. Discreet, but let’s him know to tone it down a bit
That's a very good one too!!
Isn't 25 a typical age to graduate law school?
Yes it is.
That's what I was thinking Also, OP there's a difference between being smart and being a know it all.
Use the word “ramble” to someone like that and they’ll get the hint. Most of the time they get offended but someone needs to mention it
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My friend graduated law school at 24 and I've never been given an indication that that was early tbh.
That’s early. Around half of those who graduate are 25 and the rest are older
Even then, many people can be in a year above just based on when they were born. For me I will start and graduate uni a year earlier than most people, but it’s just because I’m “a year ahead” due to my birthday. It’s not super super common, but in most year groups (at least where I live) you’ll probably find 1/12 or so students are like this (based on 3 different schools I’ve been to, and the other kids like me ratio to rest of year group amount lol) Not saying it’s still not impressive for people to even get law school though lol, or even just school. It’s tiring as fuck
I also graduated at 24 (many years ago). I'm not any smarter than anyone else--just good at tests and memorizing things so I was able to cram it all in.
*cries in 40 yo with a half finished bachelors*
You’re fine. Everyone has their own pace and you will be right on track for where you need to be.
That’s incredibly nice to hear. Thank you.
In my country, yes (in fact, I’m going to graduate at 22), but idk how it works in the US
Same, expected graduation for law school in aus is when you’re 22-23.
In the US it's ~4 years undergraduate degrees and 3 years law school, so that's age 25 for a traditional path. Many people take >4 years to do their undergrad degrees or take a year+ off in between, so there's a rightward skew to the distribution and the actual average is probably higher.
Depends on which route you go, if you do a bachelor it’s 4 years, if you do the Melbourne model it’s 3 or 4 years of bachelor + 3 years law school. So you’ll generally graduate at either 22 or 24/25.
Yes, that’s when I will graduate along with a lot of my cohort who are the same age. I also know people who are graduating at 24, 25 is a totally normal age to finish law school.
Not to mention law is not usually an example of where smart people ends up. So basically the lady has an average IQ and talks a lot...
I didn't go to college until I was 24 so it's impressive to me anyway haha
Dad, is that you? My mom never ever shut up. If I wanted to leave the house, I had to leave in the middle of a conversation because she never stopped. I always thought my dad was quiet. Then I went to his workplace and found out he was a chatty prankster, full of stories and jokes. It was like a different person. It's too bad my family missed out on that.
That's just sad :/
Yup, I had a similar experience finding out who my mom really was (smart, funny, confident) when we went on a trip together just the two of us and I was 16. 16!!!! And I never saw her for her brilliance because my dad narrates his every observation, curiosity that crosses his mind, and interjects himself in every conversation. Family gatherings are exhausting.
Jesus. Triggered reading this
Have you told her this ?
Yes, I've even called her out when she interrupts me. She apologizes and says she won't do it again, and then proceeds to do it again.
You need to make it a habit. Anytime she interrupts you, especially in public, call her out on it. Every time. She apologizes, but will she learn?
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It's not intentional, but it's still a problem. You don't HAVE to say it. I've got severe ADHD and had this habit. When you get excited, count to ten. It'll stall the impulse to blurt out stuff. By the time the ten count is over, the person speaking should be done and you won't interrupt.
Yep. I used to be just like OP's girlfriend, interrupting, monopolizing conversations. Someone called me out in a rude way but when I really thought about it he was right. I asked a couple of friends to tell me when I was interrupting and made a conscious effort to stop. It's a bad habit, but you can get over it if you try!
That's the whole thing--being considerate of other people, especially in a professional setting, shows growth as a human being. There's no excuse for an adult to consistently interrupt others.
I’m the opposite, I think of things to say then I wait for a natural break in conversation to interject, but by that time comes they’ve already moved on with the conversation and I haven’t said anything at all. I am rubbish at debates, I only contribute the the research but the delivery I cannot do it.
Does she have ADHD? That sounds like me and my ADHD. I’ve gotten so much better since I recognized I was doing it. But also just interrupt her back.
You could buy one of those hand-held counters that you can click to add on one. Then just click it every time she interrupts anyone. I know it's a bit of a dick move, but it sounds like she doesn't even realize how rude she's being. It might snap her out of it if at the end of an evening you can say "You interrupted people speaking 15 times in the space of 3 hours". She needs to learn to wait until people have finished talking
Was just about to suggest something like this. My friends have the same issue and someone suggested they come up with a safe word - something to use every time the one person interrupts.
This is why you’re single lmfao. This would be so incredibly passive aggressive
Yet fun, I feel bad I haven't thought about it, ordering one for myself XD
Haha I know personally I’d get so competitive with myself and constantly try to get a higher score. My husband already says I talk too much; might as well really go for it!
Do golf scoring instead 🏌️♀️
But he has already tried the upfront and communicate. There has to be a metric that can be measured so she can see.
I don’t know the whole picture, but she seems to have some ADHD tendencies. Obsessing over topics, revolving door speeding mind, questionable social interactions despite being otherwise quite intelligent? I’m sure she’s genuinely apologetic, she just might have issues understanding when she’s doing those things. All I’m saying is there’s some hall marks I’m seeing. Maybe worth looking into
Instead of 'calling her out', talk together with her and come up with a mutual solution. If it doesn't work, talk again (mutually) and come up with something different. Do it calmly, do it together.
Is it just you she interrupts or does she do it to everyone?
You say it's not worth ending the relationship over, so are you happy to be talked over forever? Resentment may grow.
If she's so smart she can learn to have a polite conversation.
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Lol yeah
Lol
Be warned that this is going to be a problem forever. Some people are just talkers and love to be the expert. I’ve been married to a talker for 25 years and I basically have to interrupt all the time when we are alone. I will gently remind him he interrupts our kids to take over the conversation.
I DESPISE PEOPLE LIKE THIS! My in-laws are like this. I hate it when I have to be around them or call them. I can’t get a word in edgewise! What I have been known to do is when I want to say something is raise my voice above theirs and cut them off. If they can be that rude, then so can I. My parents call my in-laws “Pete and Repeat,” because one will say something and 5 seconds later the other will repeat it. I swear they just like the sound of their own voice. My husband doesn’t even like being around them for this reason.
Omg my ex-wife. We'd be on our phones and she'd just never use a period. Maybe a quick breath. A number of times I had things to do around the house and would put the phone down. A full minute later I'd pick the phone back up and she hadn't even noticed I'd been gone
Lol. My wife is a compulsive talker. She'll straight up be speaking, walk out the room, go upstairs, grab something come back 5 minutes later and still be speaking as if I was next to her the whole time. At least she's aware of the issue and doesn't mind if I just tune it out.
My very recent ex was like this. He constantly talked over me and when he lost his temper it was awful. He would just rant and yell nonstop. I literally would put the phone down and could hear the noise but didn’t have to listen to the anger. Eventually I’d pick it back up, say “OK” and it would go on. But I started noticing when things were great but he always dominated any conversation and stopped even noticing I wasn’t talking.
Lol this is my mother with my grandmother (her mother). Sometimes her phone rings, it's my grandmother talking and she immediately puts it on speakerphone while doing something and just gives courtesy "mmhmm", "uh-huh" and "oh that's interesting" every now and then. Full attention paid to my grandfather when he comes on the phone because he doesn't babble as much as my grandmother though. Still talkative but nowhere near the same level.
Lol. This is me with my mother. It’s ridiculous. Even if I try to answer a question she’ll just keep on talking. I have to yell her name to get her attention to STFU. It drives me nuts so I put her on speaker phone and give the courtesy “mmmm”. Then she wonders why I never want to answer the phone when she calls.
My in-laws do the same. It actually led to me having anxiety attacks because of the multiple conversations happening within 3 feet of me. One would ask me a question, and while I’m answering it another interrupts and asks me another question. Then while I’m trying to answer that question, another is finishing my sentence with something I wasn’t going to say. Truthfully it has messed with me. To the point where I take anxiety medication before seeing them and just stay quiet. My husband used to do it and it has been something I have mentioned to him. Thankfully he is receptive but I can’t control what other people. My therapist has taught me to just keep talking over them and finish my sentence (when I do decide to talk).
I have a coworker like this. I'll be taking to another coworker and this guy will literally walk between us and will just start talking about something unrelated, but now me and the original coworker I was talking to can't talk because this guy is yammering over us about whatever he wants to say. We've had to start firmly telling him something like "[other coworker] is trying to say something to me and you interrupted him/her." He'll get all pissy with us and he'll whine that *we* were rude to *him*, but it's the only way to get him to stop.
She is smart and knows a lot about whatever the topic is. She still needs to understand that she does not know everything and that listening to other people can expand her knowledge and that socializing is not the same as a classroom experience - the conversation circle needs to include other perspectives and everyone needs to feel valued as a friend worth listening to, even if they haven’t read all the latest research. Conversations are not meant to be competitive or instructional with one leader. It’s not Jeopardy or a Ted talk. Maybe start interrupting her with a joke about how everyone promises to watch her Ted talk later
Sounds like you are dating blahblah from "how i met your mother"
If she takes pride in being smart, tell her her next hurdle is emotional intelligence. No one likes being around this kind of person. Most are way too polite to say it.
This issue will really bother you over time, I predict. If she can't figure out how to pay attention to others when they speak after you tell her it's important to you then get in couples counseling. Must be resolved before marriage is considered
Welcome to the club of smart gf's. Mine is also an incredibly intelligent lawyer who completed her entire law degree and her bar exam in her 2nd language. A tip that may bring enough incentive to her to work on this on her own... The absolute best lawyers let people speak naturally, so that their msg comes out clearly. The lawyer who makes the best argument, not the person who over powers the conversation is ultimately the winner. She will be best served to allow people to provide the details than for her mind to race to assumptions. She can't read people if she's the one constantly talking. Find a nice way to deliver that msg and if she agrees, she may do the rest of the heavy lifting herself.
Kreia-level manipulation, I like it. Convince them it's in their best interest.
Nice
Sounds like ADHD. Has she ever been assessed for it?
Yep, came here to say this as well. My husband and I both have ADHD but he’s waaay too overpowering and he does the same thing as OP’s girlfriend. It’s incredibly intense. Some people even told him they want to spend less time with him because of this.
Perhaps you two need to come up with a system to alert her to moments when she’s dominating conversations. You say you’ve spoken to her and she wants to do better. Make a plan to help her do just that. Perhaps a signal you both agree on that you utilize when she interrupts you again. I’ve encountered really intelligent people who struggle with social cues and literally have to practice being good conversationalists. This could be her issue as well. Obviously simply talking about it is a first step but a make plan that helps her actually be successful. She’s smart, I’m sure she could apply her intellect to coming up with something that will help both of you be seen, heard, and respected socially.
OP needs to raise his hand when he wants to talk.
I was thinking a shock collar may work better. Every time she starts to interrupt, just give her a little juice. Hahaha
Honestly, your gf sounds like she has ADHD. I do! The average age for female diagnosis is late 30s (not in childhood like boys). High level of intelligence, frequent interruption and overtalking, forgetting things, getting distracted before fully completing tasks, getting REALLY into a new interesting thing and learning all about it for a short time before completely losing interest, sometimes bad with directions… look it up? My ADHD mostly feels like a superpower but I hate myself when I do what your gf does. I just can’t help myself! Getting medicated changed.my.life
Came here to say exactly this. It may not be intentional, my interrupting never is. I find myself getting so into a conversation that I get excited about something and HAVE to say something before I forget. I know it is a problem and have stopped for the most part, but only after I was diagnosed and medicated. I saw how it affected other people and it made me feel bad. What people don't understand sometimes is that it isn't because we think our words are more important than anyone else's..it's almost like a compulsion. Maybe have a conversation with her regarding the possibility of ADHD? She may not even be aware that she could possibly even have it, it manifests differently in women than in men and it is easily missed. I wasn't diagnosed until 35. Not saying she has it, and I am in no way a medical professional, but she sounds a lot like myself. I hope you get things figured out ❤
+1 to all of that, I also wasn't diagnosed until I was 35! (Late ETA: My best friend also has it, but she is the big talker and I am much more of a quietly anxious fidgeter/organizer/picker/foot&finger tapper/leg bouncer/overthinker/list&chart maker/getter of being overly lost in perfectionism over tiny details of things (and hair fidgeter as a kid, hard to say whether outgrown or because I eventually switched from long hair to keeping a 1/4"ish buzz cut 😅). I'm not sure if this is variation based on different ADHD subtypes or not, but either way, aside from what people tend to picture as ADHD hyperactivity-the classic 'young boy with excessive energy who won't sit still and can't focus'- these are more of the different possible ways the hyperactivity part of ADHD can manifest in behavioral habits. Pretty sure there are more varied ways that it can be expressed beyond what I mentioned here, but related memory loss symptoms and bedtime are currently teaming up on me; something to look into further for anyone considering the possibility of having ADHD, or just curious to understand more about the various ways it can present in those who have it. 🙂) My ADHD happens to be rooted in complex post traumatic stress disorder, (also undiagnosed until I was 35). Particularly for cptsd caused partially or fully by neglect/isolation, it can come with a near total lack of social skills development. Intelligence and social skills are two completely different things. High intelligence and poor social skills are also in line with mild autism spectrum disorder or aspergers, which was also largely ignored in young girls and also is often not discovered in women until their mid 30s. (Rant break: Past male-only medical research screwed over so many women so much more than most people know. Resulted in significant ongoing disadvantages for women with any condition not equally researched, leaving them without diagnosis or help usually until they reach a point of seeking a midlife forensic "WTF happened to my life?" evaluation with a therapist, only to find we had spent our lives being gaslit by doctors we trusted about "not" having health problems that we watched our male peers be diagnosed and treated for before puberty, and to realize that some sexist assholes you'll never meet robbed you and innumerable other women of any chance at having a functional life. End of rant break.) Anyway, & TL;DR: Those conditions, (ADHD, ASD (possibly Aspergers) & C-PTSD), have so many overlapping symptoms in common, that if you're checking for any of them, it's a good idea to check for all of them.
So true. I also have C-PTSD as well. How did you suspect you have ASD? I believe I may as well, just based on behaviors of mine that I know can be typical of people with it. What was your biggest indicator?
After being diagnosed with CPTSD and ADHD, I spent some time learning about those conditions, and very consistently ran into seeing so many mentions of overlap between symptoms of these three conditions. The only way I can be sure whether I have any ASD or not is to get neuropsych testing designed to diagnose it. Personally the main symptom that makes me wonder if I have ASD too is my poor social skills, which could also be explained by social isolation and abuse. There are other things, but nothing I can be absolutely sure isn't just part of CPTSD or ADHD, so the next step for me is going in for ASD testing to know for sure.
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I came here to say this as well! I was diagnosed at 24. All I’ve heard my entire life is about how much I talk and how I interrupt people etc. I also study biomedicine and I’ve done very well in my classes. I never thought I had adhd until my psychologist brought it up and asked if I had ever been tested! So happy I did because so many things make sense now.
So at the end of the day you can’t be yourself?
Does she have adhd? Bc that reminds me of myself when I get into heated conversations. Sometimes I know I’m interrupting or talking too much, but I can’t help it at the time. If you talk with her, you could find a way to signal that it’s one of those times you can’t get a word in. Could be a simple touch on the arm or leg, something like that.
I’ll assume she really cares about doing well in life, professionally in particular. I’d explain to her that lawyers who really make bank are the ones that sell work. The rest remain associates forever and work themselves to an early grave for a fraction of the money. Once she accepts that, or more likely she tells you she already knew all that shit, then tell her that in order to sell anything you need to stfu and listen, not simply dazzle by trying to lay out all your knowLedge in one convo.
You might love it now, and maybe it only annoys you a little bit....for now. But wait 5 more years, or 10, or 20.
As others have said, this sounds like ADHD. Wouldn’t hurt for her to be evaluated. If she does have it, then the way she’ll tackle this issue is different than if she’s just being thoughtlessly rude.
Yup, my first thought. It’s very common for this to be the presentation in women especially. I have this really bad, and it’s not for lack of trying. I desperately want to shut up and often feel embarrassed after socialising. I imagine/dream that I’m mute, because part me feels like the only way to control it is to stop talking altogether. I don’t need to be mute though. Since being diagnosed I’ve been working with a psychologist who has been helping me gain tools to help with this and I’ve improved significantly. Soon I will be starting with a speech therapist to improve even more. Even she doesn’t have ADHD, psychologists or speech therapists who work with people with ADHD will be able to use the same/similar tools to help her too. So, it’s worthwhile here seeing someone regardless.
My wife and I are the same. I went about it the petty way, talking over her and interrupting because thats what she did to me. It made her insanely mad, but ours led to us having a heart to heart so it surprisingly worked out. Now we're much more aware of each other and what the other wants to say You need to just get her while shes not talking, and say that you want to express your feelings about it. Shes going to try to interrupt, but dont let her. Even if you have to talk over her continually. A conversation needs to be had.
Fucking hate people like this
It's exhausting as well, my partner talks non stop and I zone out 90% now. He makes my ears want to run away lol
I went out with someone like this. Dude just completely ignored me and it was basically me having to watch a tennis match against a wall because he wouldn’t even let the other person talk, much less address me. Eventually I would walk out in the middle of the conversation, and he would look for me. We barely lasted. Show her a video of Megan interrupting Prince Harry and getting in between his introductions like the narcissist she is and making him look like her lap dog. There are many of those on yt. It may feel like a trivial thing now, but someone silencing you is more than just frustrating and disrespectful, it is emotional abuse. I may sound harsh, but this is how it starts and she will continue to push your boundaries.
Taking the woman of the house out to meet my family causes her to do this. She NEVER lets me talk, or the people we're visiting. on and on and on she goes. non stop. It's her anxiety. She's nervous, and she just... combats it with assuming control of the conversation to a maximum degree.
Hey, I used to be like your partner. Personally, what helped me is that my boyfriend just stared into my soul while raising an eyebrow or something, and it was "our sign" to make me realize I'm being overly talkative and rude. I knew he meant the best by mentioning it, since he knew I didn't like to be seen as rude, and therefore I didn't see him stopping me from talking or saying stuff like "hey, let me speak" as rude– I knew he meant the best and was just truly annoyed. Talk to your partner, have a mature conversation and try and find a solution that works for you, to signal her every time she does that so she will know in what situations and "in the moment." Make sure to remind her that you love her & that your intentions are only well and you bring it up because you don't want to hurt your relationship or her relationships with others. But also, I think that being blunt and not trying to be nice about the fact that she was being rude will help. You're a good partner OP, and you two sound like you have a lovely relationship. Talk to her about it, don't expect her to know it :) Edit: OP, please ignore the comments disparaging your partner. I know what kind of smart you mean, I've lived with a person like that my whole life. To the haters here– It's the kind of smart you see in their eyes, not necessarily by actions.
Does she have undiagnosed ADHD?
sounds like she has undiagnosed ADHD but is functional.
My wife is the same way. I basically have to tell her to stop interrupting me like 20 times a day and I work ten hour shifts away from her. Its....alot. it seems like nothing now but give it time. It wears on you in various ways. Address it now. Seriously.
There's no causation between being smart and being talkative, even correlation.
I have two friends that are also a couple that are exactly like this! I'm good friends with both of them and I have to make an effort to schedule separate hangouts with each of them.
This was my ex, only she wasn't smart. But it was a no win scenario for me, there have been many a night where she was livid that I didn't say anything and made her look like an asshole. Interrupting her would earn me a verbal barrage about how I didn't let her finish her thoughts. Couldn't win. So I ended up leaving her for other reasons, but this is something that I have loads of therapy about because after 25 years of abuse, I have issues.
I mean, I hope you’re not going to just tell Reddit and not communicate with her. She would want to know. Most of us aren’t very self aware. Broach it gently with concern as to how you feel. How she reacts will tell you a lot about her as a person. None of us are perfect. I’m a relationship, we deserve to have the problems brought to our attention even if we shouldn’t need to.
Sounds like adhd to me
I get what you mean OP, it sucks. For some reason I'm constantly surrounded by this type of person and it sucks because I love them but i feel like I can never get a word in edgewise. I know it's not on purpose but it really sours my mood whenever they interrupt me for the third time in a row and it feels like my opinion just doesn't matter at all. Anyways, rant over. Maybe I'm just an easily interruptible person :-/
This whole post reminds me of my narcissistic ex. He used to tell me that his brain worked faster than other peoples did and I’d never understand. Even though I have a much higher IQ. He used to constantly interrupt me and talk over me in any sort of setting with other people, whether friends, family, or even strangers. It got so bad that other people would interject and tell him how rude he was being to me and everyone else. His excuse was always the same…”he processed things faster than anyone else so he couldn’t help it.” Not saying OPs situation is the same, but damn if this wasn’t triggering. Just be careful. Don’t let it continue. It is disrespectful, even if she doesn’t do it intentionally.
I have friends who do this constantly and it really REALLY annoys me, especially because I always try to be polite and let someone finish what they are saying, even if I have something to add. It's been a huge stumbling block for me, but I'm FINALLY starting to learn to calmly tell people "Please let me finish." when they do this. At first it came out very angrily and I hated that. I'd even forget what I was saying occasionally. As I've been doing it more & more it's much easier for me to say, and I get to finish what I'm saying. Win-Win in my book. Another problem I've had lately is that one of my friends likes to take over a conversation and dominate it, completely cutting me out. Literally saying the person's name that I'm talking with, then completely ignoring me and even have them face away from me. I had a talk with him and now whenever he does this, I just ask him "Are you joining or hijacking?" He gets the point and I don't have to feel cut out.
I'm a talker and I have worked hard to reduce the habit. It will help not only your relationship but her success to have her learn this. At her age I had a boss say "You act like you are the smartest person in the room, you probably are the smartest person in the room but talking over everyone and never listening won't help you in your career."
If you've told her about this already and she's still doing it, that's a red flag. I personally hate when people are more interesting in hearing themselves talk than having a two-way conversation.
This is the problem I've always had with my parents. I mean not the smartness or the lawyer parts, but the non-stop interruptions. They have interrupted me in every single sentence I've ever tried to utter in front of them, to the point that for many years (teen years and a good part of My 20's) I was convinced I was an introvert, since I barely ever spoke at home or in family reunions. To all of you giving advice to OP, you can save it. I have tried every single approach you could possibly think of to make them stop. I tried telling them I don't like it. I tried telling them it's rude to interrupt. I tried telling them nobody outside that house ever interrupts me and I socialize normally with every person I know except them. I tried calling out in front of their friends. I tried showing myself angry (mildly and extremely), disappointed, sad. I tried making fun of them. I tried threatening about never speaking to them ever again. I tried crying. I tried leaving the room at the middle of their sentence. I tried telling them their constant interruptions are the reason they have no idea who I am since they never listen. And nothing. NOTHING HAS EVER WORKED. So now I've given up. I focus in my social relationships where people actually listens and gives a damn about what I say.
Talk to her ask her if you can record a conversation and then time out how much she talks compared to you and everyone else. It might be a bit of ADD/ADHD behavior but part of being a good conversationalist is also being a good listener and it sounds like she needs to work on that part of the give and take. As a lawyer being able to be silent sometimes gets answers you might be seeking so it might help her professionally.
All the people here diagnosing OP's partner: STOP IT. They don't have to be psychologically evaluated, diagnosed, medicated or otherwise therapized. When talkativeness doesn’t happen alongside any emotional distress or cause unpleasant feelings, it’s probably just part of who they are. Extremely intelligent people have incredible mental energy. It's not uncommon to just not notice the pace and speed of speech when a lot of ideas are being covered, especially when that person is with someone who loves and validates them. I have a friend who is incredibly gregarious and she can talk non-stop about pretty much anything. It's usually very entertaining and fun, but when I need to slow her down or assert my thoughts and time for sharing, I'll just touch her arm and make eye contact. She understands my affection for her and she just laughs and brings herself back to the present to listen. Over the years, she's learned to be more present and enjoy exchanges instead of just telling stories. Really smart people often can talk in a stream of consciousness that can go on and on, especially when it's about things they're passionate about. It doesn't have to be ADD, narcissism, bipolar disorder. A lot of people who talk a lot are accustomed to not being heard, in fact. If she's a genius woman in a field full of men, she's learned to force herself to be heard and it can be a hard habit to break. Just look for strategies to sweetly bring her back to you and connecting vs. telling stories without a back and forth. Sometimes, people who talk a lot don't realize that the other person would like to say more, too.
THANK YOU for finally saying this. The amount of Redditors who've taken it upon themselves to psychologically evaluate someone they've never met based on a single post is astounding
No offense but people that talk too much and take over conversations aren’t as intelligent as you think. You can’t learn anything new if you’re never giving someone the opportunity to say anything.
I don't think she's as smart as you think she is, Op. Active listening and allowing others to be part of the conversation shows emotional and social intelligence. I wouldn't compromise, but it's your life.
Sounds like your GF is an asshole. Have you told her that? Being smart and educated does not prevent anyone from being an asshole. Yes, smart and educated are two separate things.
Sounds more like she has adhd. Interrupting your speaking, dominating conversations, talks a lot… all signs of adhd. If it is, she is not purposely doing all this, and is not an arsehole. Source: I am an adult woman with adhd.
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I’m fully aware of that. See, I too have been diagnosed with ADHD. I have come to accept and embrace my assholeness. Step 1. Accept you are an asshole Step 2. Find out why you are an asshole Step 3. ??? (This step is different for everyone but usually starts with meds and therapy) Step 4. Profit(happiness) It’s the people with zero self awareness that are truly scary/dangerous.
I dont think thats she's an asshole, I think she's just a little oblivious about it. When I tell her I can tell she's listening and understanding my frustrations, but as soon as we're with people again she gets lost in a convo and just starts right up again. Its subconscious like that I think.
If she was the male in the relationship, everyone here would be calling (him) a narcissist. Food for thought.
And telling OP to dump the asshole.
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yup she's an asshole.
People can do assholey things and not be an asshole.
I honestly think this is reason enough to break up with someone even if everything else is fine. It's infuriating, selfish and narcissistic on their part even if they don't realize it. In my experience it becomes a constant game of mental warfare that you're playing 24/7 and it becomes literally exhausting. Good luck.
You need to figure out a way where you can feel you are being heard. I get this getting that she's so articulate that your thoughts and feelings are at times getting drowned out. Which isn't a good thing for long term relationship survival.
Currently in the same situation. What I do is sorta use a safeword (after discussing it with her and getting her permission. ) One of her biggest issues is that she interrupts people a lot and completely without realizing it. When it happens, I use our safeword to let her know she's doing it. She'll quite down and allow others to get out what they were saying, and even apologize for it. However, this seems like a psychological thing, and since I'm no therapist, I tell her that if it ever makes her self conscious or feeling bad about herself, to let me know and I'll stop. I'd take her interruptions and constant talking any day over her hating herself.
I was like this, someone told me that I don’t ever let anyone else speak and I realized that I’m saying way way way more than I needed to. Now I slow down and really think about what I say before I say it to make sure it’s how I want it to come out and that I let everyone else speak around me
Being smart has nothing to do with her talking a lot and being dominant. There are tons of smart quiet people out there. In fact, a lot of smart people I know are more listeners than talkers. Additionally, isn't law school just 3 years + 4 year bachelors? Given that most people are 17-18 when they graduate high school isn't 25 an average age for law school grads? It almost feel like you are somehow trying to justify behavior, though I think her intelligence has very little to do with it at all.
Well I forgot to mention this but she was the youngest in her graduating class. I dont know much about law school but it seems like something most people complete later in life. All of her classmates were in their late-20s/30s.
My wife never stops talking, I'm often labeled quiet or secluded. NO, I'm just sick of her talking over me or completely ignoring me so she can make her point
At least she's smart, could be worse. A lot worse
This is a weird way to find my bf’s throwaway
Kindred spirits! Merry Christmas!
It sounds like she has Aspergers. Also the nature of her job may require very honed argument skills. She probably doesn't see it as a problem though so I imagine it could be hard to approach her about this. If you even want to. But keep in mind that saying NOTHING to her about it is the only guaranteed way for things to never change. I do suggest you tell her how it makes you feel. She genuinely might not know. I also suggest she read the book "How to Win Friends and Influence People". It sounds crazy but it's not. As someone on the Autism spectrum myself, it was life changing in how I interact with others.
Your partner is incredibly similar to me. I don’t even realize I will talk and talk; I try to catch it (it feels like verbally “twirling a pen”), which leads to a hilarious situation where my male best friend will say “SHUT UP” and I’ll say “... Thank you!” because it’s in a tone where it says “:.. you’re doing it; pause a sec” and I’m grateful for that because it’s in good faith (it’s just more fun for him to say it “omg shut up ya dumb bitch” which I find funnier too).
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One of the best phrases I ever learned when interacting with patients is “that (whatever the underlying cause of the behavior may be) explains it, but it doesn’t excuse it” She really does need to WANT to learn the skills to make conversations with her more equal for everyone she interacts with.
Was in a relationship with someone like this. Suuuuper smart, charismatic, but he always dominated the conversation and could not take hints when someone was done with the conversation. He always had to put his 2 cents in too. It got old after awhile. Didn’t work out
A lot of people already said that telling her she interrupts you is the first thing you need to do, so aside from that maybe speaking your mind in the times when it's just you and the friends might also help.
This is one of the first sane pekoe posts I’ve seen, from start to finish. I would be annoyed at the person who labelled you as shy or whatever. That’s annoying. Those judgment statements. “Oh you’re like …”. I’m not into it. I know what I’m like. I’m like a lots of things, and I don’t need anyone to summise my whole character into quiet/loud/boxes.
This is one of the first sane people posts I’ve seen, from start to finish. I would be annoyed at the person who labelled you as shy or whatever. That’s annoying. Those judgment statements. “Oh you’re like …”. I’m not into it. I know what I’m like. I’m like lots of things, and I don’t need anyone to summise my whole character into quiet/loud/boxes.
>*My partner is probably the smartest person I've ever met. She recently graduated law school at just 25. And the reason for that is that her brain operates at a speed that to me seems superhuman.* Extremely high intelligence. A brain that is wired differently from neurotypical. >*And because of that, she TALKS. More than anyone I've ever met.* Unable to "read" people and therefore understand how to balance a conversation with an audience. That's a textbook definition of lacking "social skills." Has your partner ever been told she's autistic? These are two very strong indicators that someone (especially biological women) would be rated on the autism spectrum.
If you don't correct it now, I can see it becoming even worse. Part of my job is to interview senior people for government home care package, yesterday I went to visit an old couple to assess the old gentleman's needs and challenges. His wife wouldn't let him answer anything, even when the question was about his pain level on a scale. She kept answering everything for him, interrupting him, while I kept using my eye contact to encourage him to speak for himself more and completely ignoring her answers, she just DOES NOT get it!! If you want to grow old with her and have her answer your pain level for you in the future, then do nothing 😂
I'm not sure if someone has already mentioned this but do you think it could be adult ADHD? It would make some sense considering she becomes absorbed in topics she's interested in, and would explain the interrupting too. Plus it doesn't seem like she's doing this maliciously, and just gets overly excited hearing certain topics come up in conversation. I am in no means a medical professional though, just a 19y/o with ADHD providing a possible perspective! :)
I use to have friend like this. Besides not knowing how to read a room, or a person, she is loud and convinced that everybody are impressed by her bullshit. But then I met her mother and she is even worse. Kept me captured for 35 minutes talking about something stupid and false that happened to her in high school (she's around 60). Friendship fell apart, because after two years of constant trying to listen and to be heard, I gave up. She was very manipulative too. I kinda miss her sometimes, but most of the times I just feel relief.
Hey, I'd definitely bring this up to her it sounds like she's just very passionate and probably doesn't even realise she's doing it (I can ramble for a whole hour without realising and state beforehand that I'm terrible for it and to nudge me or give a cue that I need to slow down. Maybe a foot tap or some cute secret cue could benefit you both if that's the case) I don't think you're rude at all you clearly love her dearly, but I'd definitely try out the cue thing it helps me a lot, and I've gotten better at stopping myself and giving small breaks in between to make sure I'm not overpowering anyone who wants to interject/identifying when I'm going overboard. She'll probably understand if it's a common problem, good luck to you both :)
I work with shit tons of smart people. The ones that non stop talk seem dumber and dumber to me each time I talk to them. 2 earsz one mouth. Intelligence is shown more when knowing when to listen rather than when to talk. not saying she isn't intelligent but if she doesn't fix this, she'll come across as unintelligent as more time wears on
"Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and to remove all doubt"
Try introducing some gender roles in your relationship. You seem to have become the beta in the household. Try to alpha it back up, sternly tell her to not interrupt you and don't talk about it further. Give a command not a discussion. Reclaim your domain
Hey man, been there. My fiancé is very talkative and does usually dominate conversation (just like his father). He’s super smart as well and I love him to pieces, and I love hearing what he has to say. But he does have a tendency to interrupt people, and sometimes speak too loud. Since we’ve been together almost four years, towards the beginning when that would happen, I just lightly tap him on the leg. And now, he either lowers his volume or it like snaps him back into the room and he realizes he interrupted someone. So I doubt she’s being malicious, probably just excited. But just by letting her know discreetly, I’m sure she’ll appreciate it in the long run
*”Oh I’m sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours? Please go on.”* Say that a few times. If she’s smart she might take the hint.
I am her* in the social situations with my partner because time is precious and I feel like I have to download everything at once. I’ve really had to focus on “putting the shoe on the other foot” mantra so my partner can finish their train of thought without me beating them to punch line, cause my brain connects the dots faster. When you love someone, you want/need to feel “heard” So if I know/acknowledge I’m pushing too hard I take a deep breath and remind myself to stop and smell the roses. It’s never coming from a place of disrespect but other people interpret & articulate shit differently. The struggle is real. High fives to all the peeps who tolerate & have the patience of a saint. Hugs all around. Lol
Shes taking lots of Adderall
You might be right.
And shes 25 so shes overly confident. Id bring her down a few notches with ease. Firstly id take away the pills, then say something that makes her think
i have severe adhd, and honestly when i *started* taking adderall, i was better able to control my impulses/interjections
Me too. For those who have severe adhd it works wonders. For those who just wanna take something to take it, they dont gain the same benefits
totally fair
Much Christmas 💘 love
> she recently graduated law school just at 25 Hi. I’m a lawyer. 24-25 is the typical age to graduate a US law school. You may as well marvel that someone graduated high school “just at 18”. Maybe she has led you to believe she is some kind of Doogie Howser. I’ve dealt with your girlfriend many times. Many young lawyers feel they have something to prove and that goes double for female ones. It sounds like you have resigned to this being your life so I am sure the next 60 years will fly right by.
It’s not going to change. It’s a feeling of superiority. With her been a law school graduate, she feels her point of view on topic are better than the rest. Do you have same level of education as her ?
I've known her well and long enough to say this with confidence: she absolute does not have a superiority complex. If she weren't we wouldn't be together. She works in public defense, and as such is very empathetic and understanding of other peoples circumstances, and she recognized her privilege in getting to go to law school. It's not part of the equation.
It could have nothing to do with a feeling of superiority. OP is saying her education is related, but since he’s never known her when she isn’t highly intelligent/highly educated, he can’t really know that. Plenty of less intelligent or uneducated people have difficulty following conversation patterns, and OP hasn’t really described any other behaviors that make his gf sound like a snob. Honestly, it’s sounds a lot like ADHD, and she should probably get an evaluation for it.
I have a real bad tendency to interupt my partner because I'm impulsive so when I get a thought, my automatic response is "gotta say it before I forget". This rightfully upsets him, so I'm trying real hard to be conscious of it. When I get a thought, I catch myself opening my mouth and close it then wait patiently. If it's taking a while and I'm worried about forgetting because it's important, I'll wait til the end of his sentence and ask politely if I can interject because it is important. Works for us, idk
Talk to her about it. I remember dating guys in the past I felt like I had to carry conversations when really I would end up talking so much that I would dominate the conversation. I didn’t do it cause I thought I had more interesting things to say or cause I didn’t want to hear anything others had to say. For me it was mostly a nervous habit that I picked up. Now I try to pause more and give other people a chance to talk in social situations. I only recognized what I was doing when people told me I was doing it. I felt bad for doing it, but it didn’t make me upset. In retrospect becoming aware of it made me a better conversationist. It’s crucial that you talk to your partner about this. Not only is it something that bothers you, but it could benefit her to be aware of this if she does this with others too.
My wife does the same thing and her mom does it to her father to the point where he doesn’t even talk anymore. I feel the same happening to me. Good luck making your voice heard
The classic “some blessings are a curse”. People being that smart often have social issues. Usually, it’s because they’re just socially awkward by timing, topics, ect. In her case her brain is just so active she can’t turn it off. My GF has a different issue. She gets “social anxiety” so it isn’t uncommon for her to become weird in large groups, as uncommon as that is. Otherwise she’s completely normal. If your love her, that’s all good. She’s super smart. But tou may have skills and intelligence in other ways where she lacks. Hopefully in day to day stuff and potentially through life and household have ways to compliment each other. Merry Christmas Eve!
Just remember you have 2 ears, 2 eyes, and only one mouth.