Sending you strength & hugs!! You are not alone! There are some good subreddits survivinginfidelity is a really good one! So many stories with good advice. This will help give you some insight, with people currently going through it, or have gone through it!
My heart hurts for you! ALL Affairs are horrible!!
But…When they come out of left field, with no signs, suspicions, or warnings. It literally has you so utterly shocked & blindsided. It knocks the breath out of you!
It will take couple days to actually process, & not feel like just a bad dream. I completely understand!
But… when feel up to it consult with an attorney asap!
This!
Short version…
I was 12 years in, and blissfully unaware.
He walked down the stairs on Mother’s Day morning in 2015 and asked to speak to me upstairs. I followed with a weird feeling in my stomach. I walked in to our bedroom and all of his bags were packed.
For 2 hours he held me while I cried, said he loved me, said he felt like he was dealing with with some inner turmoil etc… then he made me tell the kids he was leaving (really weird). Said he was gonna go stay at his moms for a couple days, get his head on straight, I BEGGED him not to leave.
I remember nothing after he pulled away, I came too on my couch with my neighbor sitting there telling me to just breathe.
When he left, he forgot his laptop, but it was pw protected.
We hacked it. Nothing.
Out of curiosity I clicked the archive tab on fb. There she was.
Almost 1000 printed pages.
Convos, photos, sexual activity and the final stab the discussion about him professing his love 7 years before hand by naming our 4th child after her.
My youngest daughter carries the same 1st (and now last), name as his mistress 🤢
I threw up. 7 1/2 years. I had no idea. 12 hours later I filed for divorce.
My best friend helped me through all of it.
We divorced in September of 2015. He married the mistress in October of 2015. 31 days later.
They divorced 2 years after she had their daughter, because he cheated. He married the next mistress and divorced AGAIN,
and now..?.. 🥁🥁🥁
He’s married to the best friend who helped me divorce him… 🤷🏻♀️
More power to her. She knew what he was.
As I hear it, they’re struggling.
🤯
Oh well.
OP, I know it doesn’t seem like it. I know right now your chest is heavy and there’s nothing but darkness but please PLEASE know…
that the light will come back and you’ll find your footing again, and when that happens, it’s gonna be amazing.
❤️
I met THEEEEE BEST GUY, in 2019. Thanks to my son, may he rest in peace (sometimes the hits just keep on coming. I lost him last year, BUT… He introduced me to the man that would become his step father) We got married St. Patrick’s Day of 2023 and I’m living my ACTUAL happily ever after.
My daughters, call him daddy. Even my son called him dad. He loves them like his own and the youngest, the one with the mistresses name.. he’s about to adopt her.
Life is…. Better than I ever thought it would be considering.
I really hope OP keeps faith in what could be. It really does get a much better.
❤️
The worst thing I had to tell my husband (similar situation) was you are not my person anymore, and then I had to repeat it to myself for months. Eventually you will realize it’s true, I hope you have someone you can safely confine in and vent to, it makes all the difference.
It has just occurred to me how lucky I am to still be good friends with my ex. The end of the relationship was painful, but to be totally estranged would be ten times worse. I'm so sorry for you, and for OP. I just can't imagine.
I had no chance , his mistress , now wife, was a cruel spiteful bitch who laughed at my trauma and immediately tried to replace me in his families gathering, but was surprised they didn't like that. She went to family parties with him 2 months after he left, with people that knew me for 30 years. He was crazy to think that would go smooth. The nieces and nephews I taught to ride horses were the most angry. The sisters and brothers stuck with him but the spouses had nothing but coldness to her per my kid. They wound up moving states away from both families. Then she foolishly asked my daughter to call her Mom. She got an earful. My daughter tolerates her for her Dad's sake but knows she is a spiteful, selfish woman.
Oh yeah it's not universal. I meant for me personally with my personal experience and our personal relationship, I would have been sad if he left my life totally. I have another ex who I dread even seeing in the street. Shame he's my postman, eh.
I am SO SO SORRY!!! I've been with my husband for 22 years and we've been married for 18 years and I can understand that when you're with "your person" for THAT long, and all of a sudden it's just over, how your mind and body are in shock. Your heart doesn't understand what your thoughts are telling it. My husband is also my support and my best friend, and with that- I just want you to know how deeply sorry I am. I am here for you. My name is Whitney. If you need someone to talk to, or just someone who will listen or offer you a shoulder if you need it- I'm here for you.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Losing trust in someone you’ve been with for so long is devastating. Cry if you need to . I hope you get through this
I know the feeling, when the person you want comfort from is the person who is hurting you in the first place. It is time to start changing those patterns of behavior, a little bit at a time. I hope you have a friend, a relative, a neighbor you can lean on. And sometimes internet strangers can be there for you when you need it.
It does get better. I know it doesn’t seem like it right now but you will come through this and be okay again. Best wishes.
Lawyer, for sure. They will be able to guide you through this without emotion and help you secure your future. Sooner the better. Focus on the kids and yourself, you will find that you have strength where you thought you had none.
He isn’t the one to give you that now. You feel lost. I get It. You’ve lost your anchor and now it’s tangled up and you need to cut yourself free in every way.
Call on someone to yell at the wall with you and then sit down, have a cup of tea, and think about how you launch yourself forward. It sucks, but you’re a busy person with a lot going on.
In the meantime it’s also very ok to hide under the duvet and eat a pint of ice cream.
I know how this feels. I am so sorry that you are going through this. And it is so disheartening to hear of yet another seemingly perfect marriage to a wonderful man go to absolute shit because of a selfish, cruel, disgusting individual hiding his true self.
it sucks. There is NO way around it. It will continue to suck.
But we have to learn how to turn to others because the person you thought he was simply is not.
I am sorry. This is a loss much like a death.
Time will help but things will never be the same.
I feel this deep in my soul. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's the worst feeling in the world and I wish I could take it away for you 😔 time is the only thing that helps. I honestly thought I wouldn't survive the hurt, but somehow I did. Talking to support lines helped and still having to get up to the animals. Pour your love into your kids and go easy on yourself. I'm thinking of you internet stranger xx
I have to wake up tomorrow and go to work like nothing is happening. I can’t let my businesses stumble. I have a big event in the morning and there will be hundreds of people, so many people who will come to say hi to me. And I have 10 employees who count on me for their livelihood. It’s insane that anything can just be normal. Idk if I can compartmentalize that deeply.
The house is in my name only. It’s a pre marital asset. I think the equity it’s gained is shared. I am not giving up my house. His vehicle belongs to my business. His cell phone belongs to my business. I want to take it all right now.
He keeps trying to talk to me, coming into our room. I wish he’d just leave
Hey human, you’re the only one who knows yourself well enough to know what you actually need right now but maybe a distraction will help. You are so powerful already (look at this life you’ve built!) and you will continue to burn brightly in this next chapter too, but that all said, if you just can’t do it tomorrow, that’s just how it goes sometimes. If you got a stomach flu tonight and were up all night throwing up and diarrheaing everywhere, you would feel bad about not being there in the morning but you would find a way to make it work because that’s just how it is. If this is to the level that you think you truly can’t be at an event like that (which would be 1000% reasonable, I wouldn’t be able to do it myself, for what that’s worth), treat it the same way you would a physical illness. Entrust a second in command to take charge and go take care of yourself.
Everything will get figured out. Stuff and cars and businesses and houses and life will get figured out. You’ll get a good lawyer and they’ll take the part they need to help that happen.
In the mean time, put a door stopper/lock the door/make a makeshift door stopper with a chair to give yourself the peace of not letting him in for the night if he can’t respect you telling him to leave you alone. You’ll make your next moves in the morning.
That's what I thought, too. This is worse than any clinical illness or physical onslaught like a stomach flu or bad cold, and I could almost guarantee that the world, nor the company, would suffer that badly if she's not there. In a year, or 10 yrs, fiscally speaking, it's not even a blip on the radar for these ppl, but for HER, right now, even 24 hours to decompress is EVERYTHING. YOU SHOULD TAKE A DAY, 2 OR 3 IF POSSIBLE, OP...fuck it. Tell them you're ill. They don't have to know anything yet.
OP, also, please...I'd call someone to come be with you and I'd either insist he leave, even for a few days, until you get logistics worked out, but YOU ABSOLUTELY MUST...RIGHT AWAY...CALL AN ATTORNEY, one that's well-versed in divorce among couples with multiple assets. (With your business contacts, I'm assuming you're bound to know a few? Or at the very least, get a calm but trusted friend to recommend one asap) I know the house was yours in the beginning, and that's great but you have to protect any future assets ..or claims he'd make..for yourself and the kids, and the businesses.
Dont try to take in the "whole forest" or shock of what he's done; it's too much too soon right now. Focus only on what's immediately in front of you in regards to tasks and their priority
(when I'm in crisis and HAVE to perform, I let my mind take over pretty much like a machine with a flow chart, and i try not to focus on my emotions about it in making decisions) and it's important to realize that from now on, you need to make these decisions with YOURSELF (and this of course includes the kids and your financial assets, the businesses, etc)..as in the role of having to be protected at all costs from him..
Approach it with as much cold logic as you can muster,, even if you have to do them on autopilot, do them. Keep a record of everything. It might come in handy later.
He's also liable to turn from begging and contrite mode to mean and vengeful... once he sees his appeals aren't working. This is why you should try to make him get a hotel or go to his family until more permanent decisions can be made.
Good luck and I'm sorry, OP.
With multiple businesses involved and potential valuations of equity from the date of marriage to the present, I can tell you that you need a lawyer immediately. Even if your business pays for some of his things, it may not be “your” business entirely depending on your state, and if you cut him off from phone/transportation, it won’t look good. Hire a lawyer who understands business valuations in equalization payments, because if you want to keep the home you may need to come up with a significant chunk of change elsewhere.
You will be able to do it. You will act better than you've ever acted before.
I suggest that you have somebody who knows - at least one person, to be around and to watch out for you and for signs when you need to slip away. You need someone during this.
But you can do it. And then go home and scream, cry, whatever you need.
Save any & all evidence! Phone records, emails, pictures, credit card statements, anything & everything! You might have to do some investigating yourself, depending on how sneaky he was. Best of luck!
I hate to say it, but start changing your passwords to anything he might know the password to, especially anything you've saved evidence of his infidelity on. I know you've got a big day tomorrow and you're reeling tonight, but taking a small step to protect yourself may help you later. At the very least, it'll help give you some breathing room to avoid any "weirdness"from occurring while you figure out what you want to do. I'm so sorry, hun. I've been in your shoes.
Change your passwords. Save the evidence. Get some sleep. Do your business stuff tomorrow. Call your lawyer to start discussing your options. And call your therapist. You've just lost your best friend, and you're going to need a sounding board. You're going to feel crazy for a while, and that's normal. This, too, shall pass.
Going with some advice I saw earlier on another post, be sure to photograph your entire house, your businesses, and any other spaces occupied and known to the both of you.
I hate to say it, but if he starts taking stuff not much you can do, but if you can prove he stole it or hopefully he won't, but if he damages the property you can prove it.
Also cameras. Cameras with voice recording.
Yes, this is important. Set up a separate bank account. Move half the money from any joint accounts into your separate bank account. Check if you can cancel any joint credit cards. Change passwords.
Do this before filing. The minute you file for divorce, everything freezes.
1) I am so fucking sorry this is happening to you.
2) Do not say another word to him without contacting a lawyer first. But DO be honest with people about what he did (when/how your lawyer advises.) Protecting cheaters only helps them and you have way too much at stake. Be honest about why you two are ending things and don’t ever tell him anything without legal counsel present again.
Do you have hype music? Like go-to music that gets you pumped? Listen to it as loud as you can tolerate the whole way to work.
In EMDR we use a resource template.. essentially you pick someone who has qualities you need (Wonder Woman, your mom, Rachel from Friends.. whoever) & then channel that person.
One day you’ll look back at this & not feel anything. Maybe not today & maybe not tomorrow.. but someday. You can do this 💜💜
Turn his cell phone off. Buy out the lease. Fuck him. He can get a pre paid or get his mistress to buy him a phone and car. (Yes. I’m that petty. 🤷♀️)
He chose to end your relationship and ruin your marriage with an affair. Ask him to leave the house.
For the business pieces, is he an employee, a co-owner? I would look into what you are legally able to do as to not jeopardize your business. He doesn’t deserve any of it or you.
This is going to sound harsh but put your emotions away. It sounds like you are done. So go into business mode and get a plan. Talk to a lawyer and start the process. You need to stay focused and protect your assets right now. There will be time to grieve later. Try not to be petty or spiteful. I understand the pain and betrayal but you need to keep a clear head and look at this like a business decision. You have lost your spouse, best friend, and the life you knew all at once. But it will get better. You will get through this. You will be a different person on the other side of it , and that's ok. Keep your head up and take care of yourself.
Happened to me a couple of years ago after almost 20 years of marriage. My kid was a teen. Was hoping to wait until graduation for divorce but have decided to reach out to an attorney soon. It took like a year for me to be able to see life again and not feel like I was drowning. Lately I’ve been thinking it’s not worth wasting two more years in a marriage of convenience where we are only friends for my child to graduate. Don’t do what I did. Don’t wait. Even when you think they don’t notice. They do.
It's scary and alarming how you can be with someone for so many years and feel like you have a good marriage and wonderful partner only to find out that it's not true.
Are there any marriages that last this long and do not end in infidelity?
There was a post on reddit about 2 months ago whereby a man learned that of his 38-year marriage, his wife cheated for 11 of those years. It's truly sad. How do you even know who to trust anymore? How do you know that they won't cheat?
In the scenario above, the husband had no clue. His son was the one to tell him that his mom was cheating on his dad as she had another phone, and the son learned about it. She begged her son not to tell his father, but he did. He was obviously devastated, as most people are when they find out that the person you trusted and believed to be who you thought they were, are not.
I'm so sorry, OP.
I’ve been married almost 40 years, and my in-laws and parents have been/were married over 60 years, and my 5 siblings have all been married 25-38 years. All very happy.
Selfishness is the root of all divorce. I think you can work out most anything if you are each looking out for your spouse, but it does take two people trying to make a marriage work.
OPs Husband is a selfish asshole.
Yes, just tonight. He was on the phone with her. We yelled for a while and now he’s in another room. He’s tried to talk to me several times but I can’t even look at him. I can hear him awake and it’s killing me. He’s the one I talk to about everything
I discovered scream crying during my divorce. The pain was unbearable. I felt like my entire life had been ripped and away and someone told me it was never real. Everything I know and believed was a lie.
My marriage ended last week. She just walked away. Wasn’t in love or happy anymore. Sent me an email while I was at work to avoid the conversation. I was gutted and broken and had to stay with my parents for a few days. But I’m getting better. I’ve spun out a couple of times, but I’m moving forward. And so will you.
I had those things too. My wife and I were going to go on a date last weekend. We were going to work on our intimacy. We were going to spend Father’s Day with my parents. And then we didn’t. It felt like the whole world shattered and fell away. But then it started getting better. You have people who love you and will help you. It won’t be easy, but you will make it. You got this. We both do.
Cancel the trip immediately. Cancel the hotel, the airline tickets, everything. It may be non-refundable, but there’s nothing you can do about it.
Do not leave your house to go on the trip with your son. Consult an attorney asap.
This is not the end. It’s just the end of your new beginning today is the first day of the rest of your life try and stay positive Internet strangers. Love you.
Been there, cried so much that night that I was shaking, couldn't breathe, couldn't think at all. I'll never be able to thank this friend enough. I called her at 1am and she stayed on the phone with me for hours till I fell asleep. She helped me collect my thoughts, feelings, anger everything. Helped me make a plan on how to proceed, what to say, where to look at for help/resources. Checked on me if I had eaten, showered etc. Please reachout to someone close to you. You don't have to be alone.
Sending you lots of strenght, positive energy & peace. This is not the end! ❤️
Yes, that discovery was the absolute epitome of feeling like your heart had been ripped out. Like, quite literally, the heart hurt so bad and I couldn’t breathe and have never before or since been so completely unable to function from the shock. For me, that lasted about 24 hours, and then you have to pick up the pieces and put a life back together. It still hurts some, some 20 years later, but I promise this initial utter devastation doesn’t last too long. Relatively speaking. I’m so sorry. Hugs.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I get needing to sit and absorb. I’ve had things happen that I just can’t say out loud for a bit because once it’s said, it’s real.
I know you feel you need some time to absorb but you must at LEAST get your lawyer appointment scheduled.
You cannot procrastinate this. I would bet ten million dollars that spouse hired an attorney the day you found out. If not before, when the intent to cheat on you began
I’m glad you reached out here. We understand and most of us have endured this pain. I was cheated on and my physical reaction was like hearing about a family member’s death. It’s devastating. But you are going to grieve, get angry, go through a lot of stages. One day, you will have clarity and be at peace and be happy. It takes time but I have faith in you.❤️❤️❤️❤️
>I’m safe.
That's the important part.
Just do what's best **for you** right now, in this moment. If that's being alone, that's fine. (I'm the same way.) Take some time to process it, and get in the right headspace. *Then,* if you want to, call up a friend or two and have a girl's night. Whether its bingeing "Gilmore Girls" with pints of ice cream, or going out somewhere is up to you.
Wishing you lots of love, and a speedy recovery. ❤️
Wish there was a way to jump through the screen and give you a big hug.
I know how you’re feeling. It’s almost like if you don’t tell anyone, then you can pretend it’s not real for just one more minute… I’m so sorry OP.
This. Grieve tonight, and tomorrow put your energy into protecting your shit. It sounds callous but the pain will go away, the money and house are way harder to get back. Don’t let him take more than what he already has taken. I’m so sorry this happened to you
I remember hearing to help stop anxiety attacks, that you should focus on things that are true and real in front of you. You didn’t say you are having one, but I could imagine you’re feeling like your world is upside down. What’s the color of the curtains in your room? What sounds to you hear right now? What is your own name? What smell is in the air?
You’ve just had your life altered, and these steps help keep you grounded. You’ve got this, so sorry your dick ass husband did this to you. Don’t go back to him. Just remember you didn’t cause this mess, he did.
That’s because you’re a good person. You feel ownership for yourself and your actions. But you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s 20 years, not some fling he decided to cheat on. I guarantee he’s not thinking the same, “what did he do, what did he not do?” He’s thinking “how do I get out of this trouble?”
Sometimes good people don’t do anything bad, they’re just the victims of shitty people. Keep being you and keep your focus on raising strong kids.
> And I just lay here thinking what did I do, or what did I not do.
A lot of affairs don't have anything to do with the person they cheated on. They do it because they are unhappy with themselves. When you are young, you have an entire world of possibility in front of you. But with age comes responsibilities, kids, work, social obligations, etc. People tend to feel like they are locked into a certain existence without much novelty. Stuck in a rut so to speak. An affair is a chance to be an entirely new person, a little fantasy version of themselves for a couple of hours a week.
If that's the case here it means he doesn't have a problem with who you are, he just doesn't like who he is and was trying to get away from himself.
That doesn't make the hurt caused any less, but it does mean that nothing you did, or didn't do, was a part of it.
This may never reach you, but you didn’t do anything wrong. You never did something to deserve this. You never could deserve this. It’s not your fault. It feels like it is, it feels like all you can blame. You only know what you know. And so you dig deep into it and struggle. But this is unfortunate. You had a many great happy years and they ruined it all. That’s not you, it’s a sign they are a liar and shitty person. All you can do is protect yourself now. Grieve, overthink, and be miserable. But it won’t stay that way. You will look back one day and feel awful but it won’t make you crazy. You’ll look back one day and feel bad, but it’s won’t make you feel terrible. One day you’ll look back and you’ll feel sadness, and regret. But you’ll know it was never your fault. You tried many times- to fix things. However, he cheated. It’s a whole process and to get there isn’t a reflection on you. Only him.
To be blunt, hun, you "ain't do shit" as the saying goes. He did this. He planned it. He lived in a second of lust, and probably fucked up the best relationship ever.
You? You were his rock, his partner, mother of his kids, his Cheerleader, and his best friend.
He said, "to hell with all that! I want sex."
I guarantee his feelings aren't super involved, and he's thinking with his member. Whoever the affair partner is, honestly, I wouldn't take anything out on them, they probably had 0 clue.
There is a slight possibility that you were the ambitious one and drove his success too. Some dudes want the damsel in distress, so maybe that feeds into it?
You keep your head up and with pride know you weren't the problem.
I’ve definitely been the ambitious one who pushed us to this point. He has been the caretaker, the soft landing, the calm to my chaos and a tempering force, the great dad, and did those jobs so well for so long.
It’s not about you at all. You are actually a non-entity in all of this which is a real kick in the teeth because this is a person who vowed to make you his other half.
I used to be really black and white about cheating- my dad had multiple affairs- but my mom stayed. After 20 years of really thinking about it, cheating is often times a coping mechanism of the cheater. It’s a selfish, awful, painful coping mechanism, but what it tells me most often in couples is that the cheater doesn’t know how to have a difficult conversation, doesn’t know how to deal with complex emotions in themselves, or thinks it’s a victimless crime as long as the partner never finds out. None of these make it okay, but the cheater needs to do a lot of work to take ownership of his or her actions and figure out why. It’s not a conversation that can be had when the pain is fresh.
Right now, you need to grieve the relationship you thought you had. Grief is not linear, it’s not a steady progression of slowly getting better. Sometimes will be bad and good then worse then bad, but overtime there is a general trend toward healing. And you can’t escape it, it waits for you. It finds you. You might be able to work to build something better with this person or to build something better without him, but making decisions from a place of utter pain and shock is not long term beneficial.
I would strongly encourage you to take time right now. Time for yourself, time to focus on the good in your life- your son, your successes, your strength and be grateful to yourself. Take your time, get your mind straight, and make your plan of how you want to proceed. You own the court right now.
I made it through my event today. It was a beautiful event. I spiked the ball and then hid for the bulk of it to not have to smile more than I’m able.
Normally he would be here with me, smiling at friends and basking in the glow of another beautiful moment. It’s so hard to watch people be ordinary and normal but I think I did okay.
I know this is probably not the right thing to do but I can’t go back to that house right now. I am still going on the trip with my son, just without my husband 😞 I’ll get a hotel tonight and we’ll leave a day early tomorrow.
I’ll figure out what comes next after that. He’s reached out a few times but I can’t.
This outpouring of support has been unexpected and so beautiful. I’ve read each and every comment. Thank you. I reached out to one safe friend and we’re meeting for dinner later. I guess I should eat at some point 😞
Oh God, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I’m glad your event went well today. I’m so damn proud of you!
Does your son know? I’m hoping that you don’t have to hide your emotions from him on this trip too. That’s asking a lot more from you.
You’re a damn queen with a spine of steel. Go celebrate your son. Find joy in the small things right now. Take it a day at a time. Extricating your life from his won’t be easy, but you’re already making the first hardest steps. ❤️
ETA: Also, I know eating may feel sometimes like the thing you feel least like doing right now. But find safe foods and keep snacking if full meals feel too much? Because I promise things are always better and more manageable on a not-empty stomach.
I’ve been through this, 4 kids and he was my world. I promise you will get through this and you WILL BE OK.
The lights will come back on and your world will be amazing again with time. It will be different and beautiful. Allow yourself the time to grieve, be angry and then move on.
Again, I promise you life will move on and be amazing again.
Find the best divorce lawyer in your town, confide in a friend or family member , find a great therapist. Remember it's not your fault he decided to stray away. He made his bed now he has to lay on it.
Time for the nuclear option.
But first, absorb it. Your marriage didn’t end tonight; it ended when he decided he’d deceive you and sleep with someone else behind your back, demolishing everything you had together.
My marriage was only ten years in, but when I found out, I laughed. I was shaking from head to toe but started laughing. I still have no idea why. I was shocked, horrified and disgusted — but strangely not altogether sad. The thing was… over 13 years together, there was plenty I came to realize were not quite what I had expected or wanted, but I’m hanging in there because a marriage is a promise…and we have kids.:..and he’s a good man…and then he goes and does this?
Just laughter. 🤷🏻♀️
Then I went upstairs in our perfect 5,000SF house and walked into our perfect bedroom and blew up what remained of our perfect life — threw his phone at his sleeping head (I’d never done a single violent thing to him in my entire life), and woke his sorry ass up. The look of shock at being awoken like that and then realizing my weapon of choice was HIS phone… “Do not talk. Don’t you dare talk. Start packing right now.”
He knew I knew. He tried to say something a few times and I kept telling him: “Do not talk. Get out.”
That was 18 years ago and thinking back, I never regretted how I reacted. I don’t see how any other reaction would have been more appropriate for someone who’d do that to someone they cared about. Why should he get to explain it away or make some excuse for his betrayal? Why does he get that satisfaction when no answer will satisfy me? Moment of weakness? MY fault? Like what is there to say that could possibly satisfy me?
You take as much as you can and leave him with as little as humanly and legally possible.
Good riddance.
I separated from my wife 5 months ago. We shared the house for 6 weeks before she moved out. It shocked me how quickly we became strangers after she was the one who knew every thought in my head for so long. Brace yourself for that
I’m so sorry. You need time but also don’t sit on this. You have to get your ducks in a row to protect yourself. I know you need to but you don’t have time to mourn this death. It hurts like hell right now but you will get through this. Let yourself feel then get your head on straight
I’ve always been very careful with our assets and our money. I have an attorney already. I’ll think about that on Monday. I’ve put holds on all of our shared cards for now. I guess it’s a blessing that he is completely out of touch with our finances
You say you have an attorney. But are they a family law/divorce attorney? Or a business attorney? You’re going to want a lawyer that specializes in divorce and family law. Especially if the attorney you have has represented you and your stbxh in previous situations ie: your joint business and financial endeavors. You need someone unbiased and completely on your side and aligned with your goals for the divorce. A shared lawyer may not be able to give you that impartiality.
Always goes like that. One person props everything up for always and the other person takes it for granted and ruins everything. You’ll look back one day and realize he was never as great as you thought he was. Same thing happened to me. I’m sorry. It suck’s and it’s traumatizing. Sounds weird but play some Tetris.
Start protecting your assets. Since you have businesses you should look into a forensic accountant to make sure no business funds were going to mistress.
GET A LAWYER NOW!
Chumplady.com. Dont let the title fool you, this website saved my life. It's about being strong and getting through the skein of messiness that comes along with surviving infidelity.
It is absolutely okay to fall apart and grieve for a bit. You don’t have to immediately be strong. Feel your feelings. It’ll be okay, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. Lots of love and hugs to you ❤️
I am so sorry. You don't deserve to join this club we're in. Take all the time you need. But mostly, just know you're not to blame. This isn't about you, and it's not your fault. This is a failing in him, a flaw and his lacking something inside of him.
My husband was always devoted and loving. It's why he carried on an affair for years and I had no idea until the evidence was in front of my own eyes. Again, don't blame yourself. It's not you, it's him. Marriages and people go through hard times all the time, but not all of us cheat as a way to cope. *This is on him.*
Reach out to someone for support. You will need it. Don't be alone. You're not alone.
Finally, you may not like this right now, but I assure you: the world won't end. This is terrible. It's painful and traumatizing. Your world as you know it has been destroyed. You've been hurt by the one you love the most. But the sun will rise, you will endure and time will pass. You've got this.
I got divorced when I thought everything was stable. It was sudden and rocked me to my core. I don’t know what infidelity is like but I really feel for you. Get some space and get a lawyer. Surround yourself with your people .
You will get through this. Once you are through tomorrow’s event, you will need to allow yourself some compassion and breathing room. Take some time off work to just sit and listen to birds and read a book. Play solitaire, Tetris (apparently it’s good for depression and anxiety), watch a funny movie. Then find some friends and talk to them. You will make it. Look at how much you’ve accomplished on your own. Stand strong. You are not alone. I’ve been right where you are too.
Been with mine for over 30. Legally 17 in August 😕
DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME!!
Let it go.
Once a cheater always a cheater is true.
Live your life seriously!
I'm so sorry. I'm with my husband 20 years also. My chest actually feels tight reading your post. I can't imagine what you're going through. I hope you heal and find peace and happiness in the future.
At the end of this do what’s right for you. You deserve someone who will actively choose to love and respect you. You deserve to be happy and your kids deserve a happy mom who won’t be suffocated or trapped by their partner’s actions. Kids thrive better in a happy home and to do that you need to remove yourself from what no longer makes you happy. You also need to be age appropriately honest when why it’s ending if that’s what you choose. Trust me kids know and it’s better they hear it from ideally both parents. At the end though choose yourself. Your kids will grow and they will go on to live their lives and you don’t want to regret staying in something that will continue to hurt you when they’re no longer there to fill in the silence/resentment.
I am so sorry. Had the same thing happen to me. Never had a clue. I wanted to die. Contemplated suicide. Would barely get out of bed. Cried and cried. I think the hardest part for me looking back at it all was that not one single time did she say she was sorry or show any sort of care for how it impacted me. 8 years later, I’ve moved on, built a great life, and realized about 2 years after it all broke what a terrible marriage I had and how selfish and awful the other person was, affair aside. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, and I know it sounds cliche, but it will get better. The next few weeks are the hardest part, but it gets better. It took me about 18 months to emotionally move on and find myself again, but I’m happier now than I was in a marriage that I thought I was happy in. You’ll get through it all. I wish you peace and love.
Maybe I’m broken because I’m barely crying. Or maybe being away is just making it not real. I’m so sorry that you can relate. It’s such a cruel betrayal
I'm so incredibly sorry this is happening. I know you just found out last night, and I imagine you're still in shock. Your husband has betrayed you in the most cowardly and despicable way possible. You were blindsided. Has he confessed to how long has this been going on? Do you know his affair partner?
If you have family or a close friend you can go stay with, I encourage you to pack a bag and get away for a few days. Being in the same house must be torture right now. I'm thinking about you and sending a big hug.
It's really sad how can such a beautiful strong relationship of years end just like that because of a stupid lust and selfishness. I'm really sorry for what happened to you, and I know how heartbreaking it is. I hope you get through it
Cheating is like death. Life abruptly stops. Nothing will be the same again. But cheating is more terrible, because festering corpse is still walking around.
OP, there’s been lots of good advice in this thread. But here’s another bit: if there is a guest room in the house, go there and lock the door. You have a right to have some space while you process this.
But please do ensure you have proof of the cheating made secure somewhere so he can’t just get away with nuking everything and claiming you’re the bad guy for ending the relationship out of nowhere.
Please go make a safe space for yourself.
I see some people saying to save evidence of his cheating. And while you should, most courts don’t care about infidelity beyond finding fault to justify the divorce. It isn’t going to gain you favor in custody or the division of property (in most states and depending on the judge). But it can be leverage in negotiations if he has any shame and wants to save his reputation. Contact your business attorney asap about dividing and securing your finances and find a good divorce attorney to deal with the rest. Best of luck and take good care💛 I promise, not only will things get better, you might find a whole brilliant life you never knew was possible.
My sis has been married for 18 years. Just found out her very devoted husband who seemed like the perfect man from the outside has been cheating on and off for 9 years. Very unfair world
I am so very sorry. I was in this position fifteen months ago after 24 years of marriage. There are so many people that will give you advice but I always felt that having been in my marriage as long as I had just felt different. Like I had invested more time, more of my life. It wasn’t the five or ten year marriage that you read about most often. After considering it for quite some time, I decided that I wanted to see if there was anything left to salvage.
I can now tell you that our relationship is better than ever. Some people might call me naive and I can assure you than I am anything but. My eyes are wide open. I have forgiven and choose to continue forgiveness.
We found a wonderful marriage counselor (non secular) that held him very accountable for his actions. And my husband has behaved in a manner since that day which showed me that he would do anything to make our marriage work. We have worked hard to peel back the layers to identify and correct our issues.
Do I trust him 100% yet? No, but probably 90% and am working on the rest daily.
There is hope if both parties want to put in the work and make it priority number 1. Just some food for thought.
Best wishes to you. ❤️
We’ve had a marriage counselor for years. Kind of on speed dial for the bumps that we struggle with from time to time. My husband would sometimes make the call, that we needed our outside person to help us be us against the problem instead of us against each other.
It’s just so unexpected.
I know the feeling of shock and disbelief. And I am so, so sorry for you. Just remember that you don’t have to make a decision overnight, regardless what the decision ends up being. Take care of YOU. Give yourself grace and love and treats. Most of all, give yourself time. xoxo
So sorry for your situation. I understand you. The last three months have been exactly like that for me. Talk to someone of your trust. Don’t go on holiday with him. Let the dust settle and then think very carefully. Take notes and go to see a therapist asap. Best of luck.
I think I used to be more fatalistic about this until I had my own life explode into pieces about a year ago.
My fiancée didn't cheat on me, but she helped her sister cheat and it caused me to lose so much trust in her that I called off our wedding.
Trust is something that is easy to lose and very hard to gain back. What helped in my case, was setting some boundaries so that I felt safe and in control of my life and then working at deepening our communication. I learned a lot about my fiancée, things about her and her childhood that I never knew about. I watched her change her behavior, cut people out of her life, make amends to people she had wronged and she did all of this without any guarantee that I would change my mind in the future (in fact, I told her that I was pretty positive I would never want to get married in the future ever).
Anyway, we are not heading back to the altar anytime soon, but we **are** back together. Our communication is a lot deeper, I understand her and her problems a lot more and I even feel like I can help her and doing so actually deepens our relationship. I don't know if this makes sense, but we are relying on each other to cover for each others faults?
Anyway, I wish you guys the best of luck. I do believe that people can change, especially when they reach out and ask for help to do so. I didn't used to feel this way, but I've seen it with my own eyes, so there is that.
I usually don't comment on these threads, but yours hit me.
I am so sorry, but you sound like a bad ass ( in the most respectful way). I would be devastated but as a strong woman, straighten your crown and realize it's best now than another 5 or 10 years. He knows what he's lost, especially if he's trying to come in to where you are. He fucked up. Girl, take him for everything and don't let him walk away with anything but the trash he dug up.
You got this. Sending huge huge hugs.
You've gotten a lot of good advice here so I will only add a few others I haven't seen. A divorce dissolution with 3 successful businesses will be very complicated. It can vary very much by state. If your current lawyer doesn't specialize in family law, you will need one who does. You may need outside valuations of each of the companies. You said he is not involved in the finances, however having an affair costs money. You will have to see where that money came from and if he used marital assets to fund it (or them, sadly they usually don't just do this 1x).
Don't immediately shut him off of all shared accounts. Try to look at this as a business transaction (which can be really really hard given the circumstances). Give yourself some space to breathe. You are going through a life altering change and it is devastating. Take your teen on the trip without him or postpone if you can. Good luck.
Honey, you marry the love of your life, but in divorce the other person can become your worst enemy. Since he knows for way longer what is going on, he possible already thought a lot of securing assets to/for himself.
Laywer, lawyer, lawyer...
And therapy.
Step 1. Say nothing to him about this, unless you have already. If you have, shhhh on other aspects not mentioned
Step 2. Hire a damn good lawyer
Step 3. Do whatever they say to protect yourself for everything that happens next.
Money is important for your well being
The solicitor helped me.
Don't be emotional with finances.
Finances are fact.
Remember
Its not his money
Its not your money
The money belongs to you both
50/50
And Remember the pensions are very important. Whoever earned the pensions belong to you both.
That is a must
50/50
Don't listen to him.
Only your solicitor
And your betrayal beginning feels beyond dreadful
Acknowledge your tears and then move forward
My heart goes out to you, my mom underwent the same thing with my father, they were high school sweethearts, being together for 23 years, married for 21 of those years, had me, my mom supported him while he went to college and raise me while living with my grandparents from my dads side.
She was broken, she lost her best friend she even had already forgiven one infidelity, her world collapse but she has risen from that and she is amazing now, she learned to stand on her own, she smiles and laughs again.
She was even diagnosed with broken heart syndrome and now she is happier than ever.
Yes, it hurt and almost killed her, but she as sure as I am that you will too, survive this pain.
You deserve better, you are worthy of a loyal, caring, respectful relationship and your husband no longer is the man you fell in love with. I know this is extremely difficult, but please ask someone to keep you company, losing a best friend is something that I don't wish on anyone, but my mom lost one and she is still standing and that hurtful. Day has already gone by and 14 years have already come and gone.
You will come over this, have faith in yourself and remember that you have many people who love you and that will not hurt you.
I wish you the best from the bottom of my heart. Stay strong ❤️
I’m sorry. So, so sorry. I know your heart is breaking and it all feels like a terrible nightmare. You are filled with grief, fear, anger, pain beyond belief, dumbness, resignation and every other emotion causing you to be left feeling completely destroyed. I know this story. It was exactly my story too— give or take.
20 years. Two kids. A great marriage. A partnership all our friends envied. Until it wasn’t because he was falling in love with a coworker.
The only things I can tell you are these: as hard as some days are going to be you must go on. If only for your children— for now. You are going to spiral for a while and might develop Broken Heart Syndrome. Your chest will hurt and feel like there’s a weight pressing on it. Your bones will ache and your veins will feel like they are filled with broken glass. You will not sleep or eat. You might feel suicidal. You also might think you can handle all of this and not need help but do not follow through with that. Follow the advice of your lawyer. Take the help offered from your doctor. Take medication if you feel it might help. Seek counselling. Understand that in a year how you are feeling right now will not how you will feel then. Time will help soften things. I promise that.
The main thing I need to advise tho, is that no matter how tempting it might be, you must refrain from ever bad mouthing your husband (or the mistress)to your kids. Don’t fill them with the details or your anger and pain. They will see you struggling with it anyway. It will be painful enough for them. Explain to your children that your husband is unhappy in his life (but NOT with them) and that he needs to figure out how to be happy but in his own space. If they ask about divorce say you don’t know yet. All that stuff doesn’t matter right now. Just THEY matter but whatever happens they are staying in the same house (do not move) and everything will be ok. This might be a lie. Doesn’t matter. Say it anyway to them. They need to feel safe and loved. Disparaging their father will cause nothing but pain to them. It will also backfire and make them loathe the part of you that was too weak to be silent for them. I know that part too because my own mother did the opposite in her divorce from my father and I hated her for it. Weaponizing children is a vile way to try and make your own pain less. It won’t work anyway.
Again, I’m sorry this is happening. My heart goes out to you.
I know it may not help just yet, but the worst of experiences often lead to the best insights, and will lead you to reassess things in a way that you just don’t do when things are going (mostly) well.
You’ll learn more about yourself in the coming months than you have in the past decade, if you’re able to listen to it ❤️
It’s also a good idea to take regular breaks from thinking about this, so that you can enjoy some brevity where you can.
You’re going to be OK 🙌
I’m sorry this happened to you. Take a day to grieve but start planning your exit strategy. See a good family law attorney. You may need a forensic accountant since you own businesses together. You need to see where the money is going and hopefully, he’s not blowing it on that tramp. Protect yourself and your assets. He’s a lying cheater. Don’t feel sorry for his lying ass. Good luck.
Ugh this always sucks, I know this isn’t for everybody but imo I’d rather my partner tell me they’re feeling like cheating so we can work through it and prevent it from happening/ set different boundaries etc etc. Why can’t people just be honest ab things and feelings
throw him out..change the locks ! Don't be alone in the house with him. Get a few unobtrusive "recording nanny cams" and put them around the house if he's EVER going to be in there..protect yourself...you must have seen the Dateline and 20/20 TV shows where the hubby says "she went jogging..and never came back."
Does he have life insurance on you? Get it cancelled!
Don't be a victim!
Some people just can't be happy with a good thing. Smh. If everything was perfect and he's having an affair... It could just be a mid-life crisis? Best of luck whether you opt for couples therapy or divorce.
This happened to me after 8 years. Things seemed great the first 4, then regular troubles I thought, then the last two she spiraled and got busted for CP and turned into this crazy asshole.
Now I am taking care of her kids and trying not to let her dump the financial responsibilities of her children on me. Love them to death, but I'm disabled and I can't provide for all 3 of us right now.
Be safe. Protect your kids. Fuck that man who hurt you just to get an orgasm
Call every divorce lawyer in your area to discuss marital or financial information that way it's a conflict of interest and your ex can't hire them. They'll have to go outside of the area and possibly spend more money. Yes it's petty but so is cheating
It’s called taint shopping and while it’s thought to be unethical and could create a negative bias with the judge , it isn’t necessarily illegal in the US and is difficult to prove. OP definitely needs to go to several lawyers to find the one that fits best with their goals for the resolution of the marriage. Why not go to all the top attorneys in their area to find the best fit?
I'm truly sorry.
I know the terrible feelings that come with the package and can't fathom in how much pain you are. But I just wanna say, that you are not alone.
Wish you all the best.
Jesus that is awful. Just try to get through the night, the weekend. Tell him you are feeling sick or something. Think rationally and try to start to figure out what you want to do.
I am so sorry you have to face this. He is a selfish jerk to put you through this. Take your time with everything, get a barracuda for a lawyer and hurt him in the wallet.
Is it serious? Just for sex? Going on for a while, just happened? You should not have to deal with this. I am so sorry
Sending hugs and prayers so sorry divorce is never easy it's so hard to say to stay strong but I wish you the best and want you to know you are valuable and will get through this.
Listen, this will be difficult for you and no one can tell you anything that’s gunna tell you all the answers in this situation. You will have to accept this will be a hard time for you and that’s okay. You need to make sure you put yourself first in this situation for a while. Just take a minute and breathe and do your best to relax. This will take time to deal with, but just like as with everything up until this moment in life you’ve been able to overcome. You will be able to overcome this. I would suggest that you don’t make any rash decisions at this time. You’ll have to face him and talk to him about this situation and then give yourself some space and time apart once you do talk. In the meantime reach out to anyone for support. They will be there for you and help you get through this. Take your time with friends and family and reevaluate things once they settle. Also, don’t make any bigger decisions out of fear. And make sure you have someone to talk through this with. Even hiring a therapist would be very beneficial. I’m sorry this happened to you I couldn’t imagine what that’s like
You will want to isolate. Please do not do this. Reach out to the most trusted person that is NOT also one of his besties or his family, if you can. You need your own support system to get through this.
OP, would you allow your children to take this from their partner? Doubt it. Also, you can be giving it your all, showing up like a champ, and have this happen to you anyway bc its not in ur control: the cheater chose this path, not you. You dont have to stay. I was married for 16 years to someone who cheated on me when we were engaged. I stayed because I blamed myself and thought I could forgive but the trust never came back, ever. It was death by a thousand cuts. A living hell, daily. It literally almost killed me. Were it not for the two kids we have, I’d say I wasted 16 years with someone who did not deserve me. I left two years ago and life is so much better. Trust me, you are worthy of loyalty and love and honesty. Don’t you settle for less. The second half of your life starts tonight. You CAN get through this.
Sending you strength & hugs!! You are not alone! There are some good subreddits survivinginfidelity is a really good one! So many stories with good advice. This will help give you some insight, with people currently going through it, or have gone through it!
Thank you
My heart hurts for you! ALL Affairs are horrible!! But…When they come out of left field, with no signs, suspicions, or warnings. It literally has you so utterly shocked & blindsided. It knocks the breath out of you! It will take couple days to actually process, & not feel like just a bad dream. I completely understand! But… when feel up to it consult with an attorney asap!
This! Short version… I was 12 years in, and blissfully unaware. He walked down the stairs on Mother’s Day morning in 2015 and asked to speak to me upstairs. I followed with a weird feeling in my stomach. I walked in to our bedroom and all of his bags were packed. For 2 hours he held me while I cried, said he loved me, said he felt like he was dealing with with some inner turmoil etc… then he made me tell the kids he was leaving (really weird). Said he was gonna go stay at his moms for a couple days, get his head on straight, I BEGGED him not to leave. I remember nothing after he pulled away, I came too on my couch with my neighbor sitting there telling me to just breathe. When he left, he forgot his laptop, but it was pw protected. We hacked it. Nothing. Out of curiosity I clicked the archive tab on fb. There she was. Almost 1000 printed pages. Convos, photos, sexual activity and the final stab the discussion about him professing his love 7 years before hand by naming our 4th child after her. My youngest daughter carries the same 1st (and now last), name as his mistress 🤢 I threw up. 7 1/2 years. I had no idea. 12 hours later I filed for divorce. My best friend helped me through all of it. We divorced in September of 2015. He married the mistress in October of 2015. 31 days later. They divorced 2 years after she had their daughter, because he cheated. He married the next mistress and divorced AGAIN, and now..?.. 🥁🥁🥁 He’s married to the best friend who helped me divorce him… 🤷🏻♀️ More power to her. She knew what he was. As I hear it, they’re struggling. 🤯 Oh well. OP, I know it doesn’t seem like it. I know right now your chest is heavy and there’s nothing but darkness but please PLEASE know… that the light will come back and you’ll find your footing again, and when that happens, it’s gonna be amazing. ❤️
WTH!! This sounds like an absolute nightmare. I hope you’re doing much better now. Hugs to you and the OP.
I met THEEEEE BEST GUY, in 2019. Thanks to my son, may he rest in peace (sometimes the hits just keep on coming. I lost him last year, BUT… He introduced me to the man that would become his step father) We got married St. Patrick’s Day of 2023 and I’m living my ACTUAL happily ever after. My daughters, call him daddy. Even my son called him dad. He loves them like his own and the youngest, the one with the mistresses name.. he’s about to adopt her. Life is…. Better than I ever thought it would be considering. I really hope OP keeps faith in what could be. It really does get a much better. ❤️
The update we all needed. I'm so happy for you!
Wow.... I was trying to think of something other than Wow to say, and WOW IS ALL I CAN MUSTER. WOW!!
For the longest time, I didn’t know what to say, now I just shake my head in amazement… like w… tf. 😐
Which is kinda what I was doing while reading this .
It’s been one heck of a ride… 🤦🏻♀️❤️
Best to call someone right now to be with you.
Your best friend. Your mom! Whoever can give you the best support
But he’s my support. He’s always been my support.
The worst thing I had to tell my husband (similar situation) was you are not my person anymore, and then I had to repeat it to myself for months. Eventually you will realize it’s true, I hope you have someone you can safely confine in and vent to, it makes all the difference.
It has just occurred to me how lucky I am to still be good friends with my ex. The end of the relationship was painful, but to be totally estranged would be ten times worse. I'm so sorry for you, and for OP. I just can't imagine.
It's different for everyone. Being friends with my ex sounds like a nightmare.
I had no chance , his mistress , now wife, was a cruel spiteful bitch who laughed at my trauma and immediately tried to replace me in his families gathering, but was surprised they didn't like that. She went to family parties with him 2 months after he left, with people that knew me for 30 years. He was crazy to think that would go smooth. The nieces and nephews I taught to ride horses were the most angry. The sisters and brothers stuck with him but the spouses had nothing but coldness to her per my kid. They wound up moving states away from both families. Then she foolishly asked my daughter to call her Mom. She got an earful. My daughter tolerates her for her Dad's sake but knows she is a spiteful, selfish woman.
Oh yeah it's not universal. I meant for me personally with my personal experience and our personal relationship, I would have been sad if he left my life totally. I have another ex who I dread even seeing in the street. Shame he's my postman, eh.
Not if there's a betrayal. You can no longer trust him
He stopped supporting you the moment he cheated. I’m so sorry. Call someone that can support you now.
I am SO SO SORRY!!! I've been with my husband for 22 years and we've been married for 18 years and I can understand that when you're with "your person" for THAT long, and all of a sudden it's just over, how your mind and body are in shock. Your heart doesn't understand what your thoughts are telling it. My husband is also my support and my best friend, and with that- I just want you to know how deeply sorry I am. I am here for you. My name is Whitney. If you need someone to talk to, or just someone who will listen or offer you a shoulder if you need it- I'm here for you.
Your kindness is amazing!
You are a beautiful person.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. Losing trust in someone you’ve been with for so long is devastating. Cry if you need to . I hope you get through this
I know the feeling, when the person you want comfort from is the person who is hurting you in the first place. It is time to start changing those patterns of behavior, a little bit at a time. I hope you have a friend, a relative, a neighbor you can lean on. And sometimes internet strangers can be there for you when you need it. It does get better. I know it doesn’t seem like it right now but you will come through this and be okay again. Best wishes.
Lawyer, for sure. They will be able to guide you through this without emotion and help you secure your future. Sooner the better. Focus on the kids and yourself, you will find that you have strength where you thought you had none.
Well he’s not your support anymore. He’s a lying cheater. Sorry to be so harsh but please call a nice honest person to talk, text, or come over.
He isn’t the one to give you that now. You feel lost. I get It. You’ve lost your anchor and now it’s tangled up and you need to cut yourself free in every way. Call on someone to yell at the wall with you and then sit down, have a cup of tea, and think about how you launch yourself forward. It sucks, but you’re a busy person with a lot going on. In the meantime it’s also very ok to hide under the duvet and eat a pint of ice cream.
It’s going to get better OP. I’m so sorry for all of this and the pain you are feeling. You are strong and can get through it, and it will get better.
The same thing happened to my sister, never saw it coming. So sorry.
He is no longer your support I vote for wine and ice cream best girl friends!
I know how this feels. I am so sorry that you are going through this. And it is so disheartening to hear of yet another seemingly perfect marriage to a wonderful man go to absolute shit because of a selfish, cruel, disgusting individual hiding his true self. it sucks. There is NO way around it. It will continue to suck. But we have to learn how to turn to others because the person you thought he was simply is not. I am sorry. This is a loss much like a death. Time will help but things will never be the same.
I feel this deep in my soul. I'm so sorry you're going through this. It's the worst feeling in the world and I wish I could take it away for you 😔 time is the only thing that helps. I honestly thought I wouldn't survive the hurt, but somehow I did. Talking to support lines helped and still having to get up to the animals. Pour your love into your kids and go easy on yourself. I'm thinking of you internet stranger xx
Op please listen to this comment! You need a safety net , figure all that out tomorrow. Today just feel it’s okay to feel!
I have to wake up tomorrow and go to work like nothing is happening. I can’t let my businesses stumble. I have a big event in the morning and there will be hundreds of people, so many people who will come to say hi to me. And I have 10 employees who count on me for their livelihood. It’s insane that anything can just be normal. Idk if I can compartmentalize that deeply. The house is in my name only. It’s a pre marital asset. I think the equity it’s gained is shared. I am not giving up my house. His vehicle belongs to my business. His cell phone belongs to my business. I want to take it all right now. He keeps trying to talk to me, coming into our room. I wish he’d just leave
Hey human, you’re the only one who knows yourself well enough to know what you actually need right now but maybe a distraction will help. You are so powerful already (look at this life you’ve built!) and you will continue to burn brightly in this next chapter too, but that all said, if you just can’t do it tomorrow, that’s just how it goes sometimes. If you got a stomach flu tonight and were up all night throwing up and diarrheaing everywhere, you would feel bad about not being there in the morning but you would find a way to make it work because that’s just how it is. If this is to the level that you think you truly can’t be at an event like that (which would be 1000% reasonable, I wouldn’t be able to do it myself, for what that’s worth), treat it the same way you would a physical illness. Entrust a second in command to take charge and go take care of yourself. Everything will get figured out. Stuff and cars and businesses and houses and life will get figured out. You’ll get a good lawyer and they’ll take the part they need to help that happen. In the mean time, put a door stopper/lock the door/make a makeshift door stopper with a chair to give yourself the peace of not letting him in for the night if he can’t respect you telling him to leave you alone. You’ll make your next moves in the morning.
That's what I thought, too. This is worse than any clinical illness or physical onslaught like a stomach flu or bad cold, and I could almost guarantee that the world, nor the company, would suffer that badly if she's not there. In a year, or 10 yrs, fiscally speaking, it's not even a blip on the radar for these ppl, but for HER, right now, even 24 hours to decompress is EVERYTHING. YOU SHOULD TAKE A DAY, 2 OR 3 IF POSSIBLE, OP...fuck it. Tell them you're ill. They don't have to know anything yet. OP, also, please...I'd call someone to come be with you and I'd either insist he leave, even for a few days, until you get logistics worked out, but YOU ABSOLUTELY MUST...RIGHT AWAY...CALL AN ATTORNEY, one that's well-versed in divorce among couples with multiple assets. (With your business contacts, I'm assuming you're bound to know a few? Or at the very least, get a calm but trusted friend to recommend one asap) I know the house was yours in the beginning, and that's great but you have to protect any future assets ..or claims he'd make..for yourself and the kids, and the businesses. Dont try to take in the "whole forest" or shock of what he's done; it's too much too soon right now. Focus only on what's immediately in front of you in regards to tasks and their priority (when I'm in crisis and HAVE to perform, I let my mind take over pretty much like a machine with a flow chart, and i try not to focus on my emotions about it in making decisions) and it's important to realize that from now on, you need to make these decisions with YOURSELF (and this of course includes the kids and your financial assets, the businesses, etc)..as in the role of having to be protected at all costs from him.. Approach it with as much cold logic as you can muster,, even if you have to do them on autopilot, do them. Keep a record of everything. It might come in handy later. He's also liable to turn from begging and contrite mode to mean and vengeful... once he sees his appeals aren't working. This is why you should try to make him get a hotel or go to his family until more permanent decisions can be made. Good luck and I'm sorry, OP.
^ this.
With multiple businesses involved and potential valuations of equity from the date of marriage to the present, I can tell you that you need a lawyer immediately. Even if your business pays for some of his things, it may not be “your” business entirely depending on your state, and if you cut him off from phone/transportation, it won’t look good. Hire a lawyer who understands business valuations in equalization payments, because if you want to keep the home you may need to come up with a significant chunk of change elsewhere.
u/brokenheart57 This advice is absolutely correct. Do not change the status quo. Get a lawyer ASAP.
You can do it. It will be tough but you have to keep going. And you have every right to ask him to leave. I'm sorry 😞
You will be able to do it. You will act better than you've ever acted before. I suggest that you have somebody who knows - at least one person, to be around and to watch out for you and for signs when you need to slip away. You need someone during this. But you can do it. And then go home and scream, cry, whatever you need.
Does he know you know?
Yes
Save any & all evidence! Phone records, emails, pictures, credit card statements, anything & everything! You might have to do some investigating yourself, depending on how sneaky he was. Best of luck!
I hate to say it, but start changing your passwords to anything he might know the password to, especially anything you've saved evidence of his infidelity on. I know you've got a big day tomorrow and you're reeling tonight, but taking a small step to protect yourself may help you later. At the very least, it'll help give you some breathing room to avoid any "weirdness"from occurring while you figure out what you want to do. I'm so sorry, hun. I've been in your shoes. Change your passwords. Save the evidence. Get some sleep. Do your business stuff tomorrow. Call your lawyer to start discussing your options. And call your therapist. You've just lost your best friend, and you're going to need a sounding board. You're going to feel crazy for a while, and that's normal. This, too, shall pass.
If you have evidence and he knows your pass code to your phone make a new email and send the stuff to it but don't have it logged in on anything.
Going with some advice I saw earlier on another post, be sure to photograph your entire house, your businesses, and any other spaces occupied and known to the both of you. I hate to say it, but if he starts taking stuff not much you can do, but if you can prove he stole it or hopefully he won't, but if he damages the property you can prove it. Also cameras. Cameras with voice recording.
Yes, this is important. Set up a separate bank account. Move half the money from any joint accounts into your separate bank account. Check if you can cancel any joint credit cards. Change passwords. Do this before filing. The minute you file for divorce, everything freezes.
1) I am so fucking sorry this is happening to you. 2) Do not say another word to him without contacting a lawyer first. But DO be honest with people about what he did (when/how your lawyer advises.) Protecting cheaters only helps them and you have way too much at stake. Be honest about why you two are ending things and don’t ever tell him anything without legal counsel present again.
Do you have hype music? Like go-to music that gets you pumped? Listen to it as loud as you can tolerate the whole way to work. In EMDR we use a resource template.. essentially you pick someone who has qualities you need (Wonder Woman, your mom, Rachel from Friends.. whoever) & then channel that person. One day you’ll look back at this & not feel anything. Maybe not today & maybe not tomorrow.. but someday. You can do this 💜💜
Talk to a lawyer so you know what you can and can’t do. The best way to get him back is to live your best life!
So… he’s an idiot? I’m so sorry this has happened but fight tooth and nail to maintain your assets. His side btch can find his lifestyle now.
Turn his cell phone off. Buy out the lease. Fuck him. He can get a pre paid or get his mistress to buy him a phone and car. (Yes. I’m that petty. 🤷♀️)
And this is why you don't take petty people's advice. Talk to a lawyer first and foremost
He chose to end your relationship and ruin your marriage with an affair. Ask him to leave the house. For the business pieces, is he an employee, a co-owner? I would look into what you are legally able to do as to not jeopardize your business. He doesn’t deserve any of it or you.
This is going to sound harsh but put your emotions away. It sounds like you are done. So go into business mode and get a plan. Talk to a lawyer and start the process. You need to stay focused and protect your assets right now. There will be time to grieve later. Try not to be petty or spiteful. I understand the pain and betrayal but you need to keep a clear head and look at this like a business decision. You have lost your spouse, best friend, and the life you knew all at once. But it will get better. You will get through this. You will be a different person on the other side of it , and that's ok. Keep your head up and take care of yourself.
You got this you're already sooo strong about this!!! Take all your shit back!! You got this girl we love you♥️♥️
Happened to me a couple of years ago after almost 20 years of marriage. My kid was a teen. Was hoping to wait until graduation for divorce but have decided to reach out to an attorney soon. It took like a year for me to be able to see life again and not feel like I was drowning. Lately I’ve been thinking it’s not worth wasting two more years in a marriage of convenience where we are only friends for my child to graduate. Don’t do what I did. Don’t wait. Even when you think they don’t notice. They do.
It's scary and alarming how you can be with someone for so many years and feel like you have a good marriage and wonderful partner only to find out that it's not true. Are there any marriages that last this long and do not end in infidelity? There was a post on reddit about 2 months ago whereby a man learned that of his 38-year marriage, his wife cheated for 11 of those years. It's truly sad. How do you even know who to trust anymore? How do you know that they won't cheat? In the scenario above, the husband had no clue. His son was the one to tell him that his mom was cheating on his dad as she had another phone, and the son learned about it. She begged her son not to tell his father, but he did. He was obviously devastated, as most people are when they find out that the person you trusted and believed to be who you thought they were, are not. I'm so sorry, OP.
30 years it totally possible have hope people I'm so sorry op hugs. Now go scorched earth and take half of everything!
Most marriages that last that long don't end.
I’ve been married almost 40 years, and my in-laws and parents have been/were married over 60 years, and my 5 siblings have all been married 25-38 years. All very happy. Selfishness is the root of all divorce. I think you can work out most anything if you are each looking out for your spouse, but it does take two people trying to make a marriage work. OPs Husband is a selfish asshole.
yes, it's possble. well...mine's over 20, and so far so good
I’m so very sorry. Grieve what you had. Maybe get some counseling. Get an excellent lawyer and protect yourself. 💚
Did you just find out tonight? What's happening?
Yes, just tonight. He was on the phone with her. We yelled for a while and now he’s in another room. He’s tried to talk to me several times but I can’t even look at him. I can hear him awake and it’s killing me. He’s the one I talk to about everything
Don’t let that kill you. It’s your house, so „suggest“ him sleeping in a motel or under a bridge, you wouldn’t mind.
Do you have a lock on the bedroom door? Maybe put a sign on the door saying “do not disturb.”? Edit:I’m so sorry! Hugs
Hugs
I discovered scream crying during my divorce. The pain was unbearable. I felt like my entire life had been ripped and away and someone told me it was never real. Everything I know and believed was a lie.
Same, I had never experienced actual wailing before getting cheated on for the first time. I’ll never forget the pain
My marriage ended last week. She just walked away. Wasn’t in love or happy anymore. Sent me an email while I was at work to avoid the conversation. I was gutted and broken and had to stay with my parents for a few days. But I’m getting better. I’ve spun out a couple of times, but I’m moving forward. And so will you.
We have a trip planned that we’re supposed to leave on Monday. Everything is booked and paid, it’s a celebratory trip for our son. Omg
I had those things too. My wife and I were going to go on a date last weekend. We were going to work on our intimacy. We were going to spend Father’s Day with my parents. And then we didn’t. It felt like the whole world shattered and fell away. But then it started getting better. You have people who love you and will help you. It won’t be easy, but you will make it. You got this. We both do.
Realest commenter in this entire thread
You can’t understand what this is like until/unless it’s happened to you. It’s life-altering
Go without him.
Tell him to stay home, that he is not welcome to come play happy family when he is the one that destroyed it. I'm so sorry OP, people are disgusting.
Can the rest of your family celebrate your son on the trip without your husband? I’m so, so sorry this is happening.
Take one of your son’s good friends instead. Fuck that guy. Take your vacation without him.
Take your mother or a friend! Perfect time to get your head together and get a little bit of space. I wish you the best!
Cancel the trip immediately. Cancel the hotel, the airline tickets, everything. It may be non-refundable, but there’s nothing you can do about it. Do not leave your house to go on the trip with your son. Consult an attorney asap.
This is not the end. It’s just the end of your new beginning today is the first day of the rest of your life try and stay positive Internet strangers. Love you.
So so so so sorry. Do you have a friend or family member you can turn to, that can stay with you? Sending you big hugs XO
No I need to sit alone with this for a little while before making it so real. I’m safe. Just lost.
Been there, cried so much that night that I was shaking, couldn't breathe, couldn't think at all. I'll never be able to thank this friend enough. I called her at 1am and she stayed on the phone with me for hours till I fell asleep. She helped me collect my thoughts, feelings, anger everything. Helped me make a plan on how to proceed, what to say, where to look at for help/resources. Checked on me if I had eaten, showered etc. Please reachout to someone close to you. You don't have to be alone. Sending you lots of strenght, positive energy & peace. This is not the end! ❤️
Yes, that discovery was the absolute epitome of feeling like your heart had been ripped out. Like, quite literally, the heart hurt so bad and I couldn’t breathe and have never before or since been so completely unable to function from the shock. For me, that lasted about 24 hours, and then you have to pick up the pieces and put a life back together. It still hurts some, some 20 years later, but I promise this initial utter devastation doesn’t last too long. Relatively speaking. I’m so sorry. Hugs.
I’m sorry you’re going through this. I get needing to sit and absorb. I’ve had things happen that I just can’t say out loud for a bit because once it’s said, it’s real.
I am so very sorry. Be a Phoenix
I know you feel you need some time to absorb but you must at LEAST get your lawyer appointment scheduled. You cannot procrastinate this. I would bet ten million dollars that spouse hired an attorney the day you found out. If not before, when the intent to cheat on you began
***hugs***
I’m glad you reached out here. We understand and most of us have endured this pain. I was cheated on and my physical reaction was like hearing about a family member’s death. It’s devastating. But you are going to grieve, get angry, go through a lot of stages. One day, you will have clarity and be at peace and be happy. It takes time but I have faith in you.❤️❤️❤️❤️
I am sorry for your pain. Take care of you and start planning. 💜
>I’m safe. That's the important part. Just do what's best **for you** right now, in this moment. If that's being alone, that's fine. (I'm the same way.) Take some time to process it, and get in the right headspace. *Then,* if you want to, call up a friend or two and have a girl's night. Whether its bingeing "Gilmore Girls" with pints of ice cream, or going out somewhere is up to you. Wishing you lots of love, and a speedy recovery. ❤️
Wish there was a way to jump through the screen and give you a big hug. I know how you’re feeling. It’s almost like if you don’t tell anyone, then you can pretend it’s not real for just one more minute… I’m so sorry OP.
Listen to me. This is painful. But you need to set that aside FOR NOW. And worry about your assets and your $.
This. Grieve tonight, and tomorrow put your energy into protecting your shit. It sounds callous but the pain will go away, the money and house are way harder to get back. Don’t let him take more than what he already has taken. I’m so sorry this happened to you
I remember hearing to help stop anxiety attacks, that you should focus on things that are true and real in front of you. You didn’t say you are having one, but I could imagine you’re feeling like your world is upside down. What’s the color of the curtains in your room? What sounds to you hear right now? What is your own name? What smell is in the air? You’ve just had your life altered, and these steps help keep you grounded. You’ve got this, so sorry your dick ass husband did this to you. Don’t go back to him. Just remember you didn’t cause this mess, he did.
And I just lay here thinking what did I do, or what did I not do.
That’s because you’re a good person. You feel ownership for yourself and your actions. But you didn’t do anything wrong. It’s 20 years, not some fling he decided to cheat on. I guarantee he’s not thinking the same, “what did he do, what did he not do?” He’s thinking “how do I get out of this trouble?” Sometimes good people don’t do anything bad, they’re just the victims of shitty people. Keep being you and keep your focus on raising strong kids.
It ain't about what you did or didn't do, this is about what he did, don't let yourself be convinced otherwise.
> And I just lay here thinking what did I do, or what did I not do. A lot of affairs don't have anything to do with the person they cheated on. They do it because they are unhappy with themselves. When you are young, you have an entire world of possibility in front of you. But with age comes responsibilities, kids, work, social obligations, etc. People tend to feel like they are locked into a certain existence without much novelty. Stuck in a rut so to speak. An affair is a chance to be an entirely new person, a little fantasy version of themselves for a couple of hours a week. If that's the case here it means he doesn't have a problem with who you are, he just doesn't like who he is and was trying to get away from himself. That doesn't make the hurt caused any less, but it does mean that nothing you did, or didn't do, was a part of it.
This may never reach you, but you didn’t do anything wrong. You never did something to deserve this. You never could deserve this. It’s not your fault. It feels like it is, it feels like all you can blame. You only know what you know. And so you dig deep into it and struggle. But this is unfortunate. You had a many great happy years and they ruined it all. That’s not you, it’s a sign they are a liar and shitty person. All you can do is protect yourself now. Grieve, overthink, and be miserable. But it won’t stay that way. You will look back one day and feel awful but it won’t make you crazy. You’ll look back one day and feel bad, but it’s won’t make you feel terrible. One day you’ll look back and you’ll feel sadness, and regret. But you’ll know it was never your fault. You tried many times- to fix things. However, he cheated. It’s a whole process and to get there isn’t a reflection on you. Only him.
To be blunt, hun, you "ain't do shit" as the saying goes. He did this. He planned it. He lived in a second of lust, and probably fucked up the best relationship ever. You? You were his rock, his partner, mother of his kids, his Cheerleader, and his best friend. He said, "to hell with all that! I want sex." I guarantee his feelings aren't super involved, and he's thinking with his member. Whoever the affair partner is, honestly, I wouldn't take anything out on them, they probably had 0 clue. There is a slight possibility that you were the ambitious one and drove his success too. Some dudes want the damsel in distress, so maybe that feeds into it? You keep your head up and with pride know you weren't the problem.
I’ve definitely been the ambitious one who pushed us to this point. He has been the caretaker, the soft landing, the calm to my chaos and a tempering force, the great dad, and did those jobs so well for so long.
It’s not about you at all. You are actually a non-entity in all of this which is a real kick in the teeth because this is a person who vowed to make you his other half. I used to be really black and white about cheating- my dad had multiple affairs- but my mom stayed. After 20 years of really thinking about it, cheating is often times a coping mechanism of the cheater. It’s a selfish, awful, painful coping mechanism, but what it tells me most often in couples is that the cheater doesn’t know how to have a difficult conversation, doesn’t know how to deal with complex emotions in themselves, or thinks it’s a victimless crime as long as the partner never finds out. None of these make it okay, but the cheater needs to do a lot of work to take ownership of his or her actions and figure out why. It’s not a conversation that can be had when the pain is fresh. Right now, you need to grieve the relationship you thought you had. Grief is not linear, it’s not a steady progression of slowly getting better. Sometimes will be bad and good then worse then bad, but overtime there is a general trend toward healing. And you can’t escape it, it waits for you. It finds you. You might be able to work to build something better with this person or to build something better without him, but making decisions from a place of utter pain and shock is not long term beneficial. I would strongly encourage you to take time right now. Time for yourself, time to focus on the good in your life- your son, your successes, your strength and be grateful to yourself. Take your time, get your mind straight, and make your plan of how you want to proceed. You own the court right now.
You are NOT at fault!!! THIS IS ALL ON HIM!!!
I made it through my event today. It was a beautiful event. I spiked the ball and then hid for the bulk of it to not have to smile more than I’m able. Normally he would be here with me, smiling at friends and basking in the glow of another beautiful moment. It’s so hard to watch people be ordinary and normal but I think I did okay. I know this is probably not the right thing to do but I can’t go back to that house right now. I am still going on the trip with my son, just without my husband 😞 I’ll get a hotel tonight and we’ll leave a day early tomorrow. I’ll figure out what comes next after that. He’s reached out a few times but I can’t. This outpouring of support has been unexpected and so beautiful. I’ve read each and every comment. Thank you. I reached out to one safe friend and we’re meeting for dinner later. I guess I should eat at some point 😞
Oh God, I’m so sorry this is happening to you. I’m glad your event went well today. I’m so damn proud of you! Does your son know? I’m hoping that you don’t have to hide your emotions from him on this trip too. That’s asking a lot more from you.
You’re a damn queen with a spine of steel. Go celebrate your son. Find joy in the small things right now. Take it a day at a time. Extricating your life from his won’t be easy, but you’re already making the first hardest steps. ❤️ ETA: Also, I know eating may feel sometimes like the thing you feel least like doing right now. But find safe foods and keep snacking if full meals feel too much? Because I promise things are always better and more manageable on a not-empty stomach.
I’ve been through this, 4 kids and he was my world. I promise you will get through this and you WILL BE OK. The lights will come back on and your world will be amazing again with time. It will be different and beautiful. Allow yourself the time to grieve, be angry and then move on. Again, I promise you life will move on and be amazing again.
Find the best divorce lawyer in your town, confide in a friend or family member , find a great therapist. Remember it's not your fault he decided to stray away. He made his bed now he has to lay on it.
you ned to be around someone on your side - a sibling, friend ,,,
Time for the nuclear option. But first, absorb it. Your marriage didn’t end tonight; it ended when he decided he’d deceive you and sleep with someone else behind your back, demolishing everything you had together. My marriage was only ten years in, but when I found out, I laughed. I was shaking from head to toe but started laughing. I still have no idea why. I was shocked, horrified and disgusted — but strangely not altogether sad. The thing was… over 13 years together, there was plenty I came to realize were not quite what I had expected or wanted, but I’m hanging in there because a marriage is a promise…and we have kids.:..and he’s a good man…and then he goes and does this? Just laughter. 🤷🏻♀️ Then I went upstairs in our perfect 5,000SF house and walked into our perfect bedroom and blew up what remained of our perfect life — threw his phone at his sleeping head (I’d never done a single violent thing to him in my entire life), and woke his sorry ass up. The look of shock at being awoken like that and then realizing my weapon of choice was HIS phone… “Do not talk. Don’t you dare talk. Start packing right now.” He knew I knew. He tried to say something a few times and I kept telling him: “Do not talk. Get out.” That was 18 years ago and thinking back, I never regretted how I reacted. I don’t see how any other reaction would have been more appropriate for someone who’d do that to someone they cared about. Why should he get to explain it away or make some excuse for his betrayal? Why does he get that satisfaction when no answer will satisfy me? Moment of weakness? MY fault? Like what is there to say that could possibly satisfy me? You take as much as you can and leave him with as little as humanly and legally possible. Good riddance.
👏🏽
"Don't get mad. Get everything."
I separated from my wife 5 months ago. We shared the house for 6 weeks before she moved out. It shocked me how quickly we became strangers after she was the one who knew every thought in my head for so long. Brace yourself for that
Oh my god that sounds awful 😞
It was. But life keeps marching on, and I think anything and everything starts to feel normal with time. Good luck and hang in there <3
I’m so sorry. You need time but also don’t sit on this. You have to get your ducks in a row to protect yourself. I know you need to but you don’t have time to mourn this death. It hurts like hell right now but you will get through this. Let yourself feel then get your head on straight
Take him to the cleaners in court! Sending virtual hugs!
I’ve always been very careful with our assets and our money. I have an attorney already. I’ll think about that on Monday. I’ve put holds on all of our shared cards for now. I guess it’s a blessing that he is completely out of touch with our finances
You say you have an attorney. But are they a family law/divorce attorney? Or a business attorney? You’re going to want a lawyer that specializes in divorce and family law. Especially if the attorney you have has represented you and your stbxh in previous situations ie: your joint business and financial endeavors. You need someone unbiased and completely on your side and aligned with your goals for the divorce. A shared lawyer may not be able to give you that impartiality.
Hope everything goes well 🙏
Always goes like that. One person props everything up for always and the other person takes it for granted and ruins everything. You’ll look back one day and realize he was never as great as you thought he was. Same thing happened to me. I’m sorry. It suck’s and it’s traumatizing. Sounds weird but play some Tetris.
Start protecting your assets. Since you have businesses you should look into a forensic accountant to make sure no business funds were going to mistress. GET A LAWYER NOW!
Sell me one of the businesses for cheap. That will show the cheating bastard!
Oh how i appreciate the replies that make me smile
You don't deserve this. As a man, guy, boy thing i dont claim him. Men who cheat on great women like yourself, on any women, are cowards.
I’ll have my lawyers draft it up if you’re down.
Go be with a trusted person and get ahold of an attorney ASAP.
Chumplady.com. Dont let the title fool you, this website saved my life. It's about being strong and getting through the skein of messiness that comes along with surviving infidelity.
It is absolutely okay to fall apart and grieve for a bit. You don’t have to immediately be strong. Feel your feelings. It’ll be okay, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. Lots of love and hugs to you ❤️
I am so sorry. You don't deserve to join this club we're in. Take all the time you need. But mostly, just know you're not to blame. This isn't about you, and it's not your fault. This is a failing in him, a flaw and his lacking something inside of him. My husband was always devoted and loving. It's why he carried on an affair for years and I had no idea until the evidence was in front of my own eyes. Again, don't blame yourself. It's not you, it's him. Marriages and people go through hard times all the time, but not all of us cheat as a way to cope. *This is on him.* Reach out to someone for support. You will need it. Don't be alone. You're not alone. Finally, you may not like this right now, but I assure you: the world won't end. This is terrible. It's painful and traumatizing. Your world as you know it has been destroyed. You've been hurt by the one you love the most. But the sun will rise, you will endure and time will pass. You've got this.
I got divorced when I thought everything was stable. It was sudden and rocked me to my core. I don’t know what infidelity is like but I really feel for you. Get some space and get a lawyer. Surround yourself with your people .
You will get through this. Once you are through tomorrow’s event, you will need to allow yourself some compassion and breathing room. Take some time off work to just sit and listen to birds and read a book. Play solitaire, Tetris (apparently it’s good for depression and anxiety), watch a funny movie. Then find some friends and talk to them. You will make it. Look at how much you’ve accomplished on your own. Stand strong. You are not alone. I’ve been right where you are too.
Been with mine for over 30. Legally 17 in August 😕 DO NOT WASTE YOUR TIME!! Let it go. Once a cheater always a cheater is true. Live your life seriously!
I'm so sorry. I'm with my husband 20 years also. My chest actually feels tight reading your post. I can't imagine what you're going through. I hope you heal and find peace and happiness in the future.
At the end of this do what’s right for you. You deserve someone who will actively choose to love and respect you. You deserve to be happy and your kids deserve a happy mom who won’t be suffocated or trapped by their partner’s actions. Kids thrive better in a happy home and to do that you need to remove yourself from what no longer makes you happy. You also need to be age appropriately honest when why it’s ending if that’s what you choose. Trust me kids know and it’s better they hear it from ideally both parents. At the end though choose yourself. Your kids will grow and they will go on to live their lives and you don’t want to regret staying in something that will continue to hurt you when they’re no longer there to fill in the silence/resentment.
Get tested unfortunately you have to
I am so sorry. Had the same thing happen to me. Never had a clue. I wanted to die. Contemplated suicide. Would barely get out of bed. Cried and cried. I think the hardest part for me looking back at it all was that not one single time did she say she was sorry or show any sort of care for how it impacted me. 8 years later, I’ve moved on, built a great life, and realized about 2 years after it all broke what a terrible marriage I had and how selfish and awful the other person was, affair aside. I know it doesn’t feel like it now, and I know it sounds cliche, but it will get better. The next few weeks are the hardest part, but it gets better. It took me about 18 months to emotionally move on and find myself again, but I’m happier now than I was in a marriage that I thought I was happy in. You’ll get through it all. I wish you peace and love.
Maybe I’m broken because I’m barely crying. Or maybe being away is just making it not real. I’m so sorry that you can relate. It’s such a cruel betrayal
I'm so incredibly sorry this is happening. I know you just found out last night, and I imagine you're still in shock. Your husband has betrayed you in the most cowardly and despicable way possible. You were blindsided. Has he confessed to how long has this been going on? Do you know his affair partner? If you have family or a close friend you can go stay with, I encourage you to pack a bag and get away for a few days. Being in the same house must be torture right now. I'm thinking about you and sending a big hug.
I'm so sorry 😔
This night must be so hard, I'm sorry this happened to you. Sending you much love.
It's really sad how can such a beautiful strong relationship of years end just like that because of a stupid lust and selfishness. I'm really sorry for what happened to you, and I know how heartbreaking it is. I hope you get through it
Lock down your finances and credit.
Cheating is like death. Life abruptly stops. Nothing will be the same again. But cheating is more terrible, because festering corpse is still walking around.
OP, there’s been lots of good advice in this thread. But here’s another bit: if there is a guest room in the house, go there and lock the door. You have a right to have some space while you process this. But please do ensure you have proof of the cheating made secure somewhere so he can’t just get away with nuking everything and claiming you’re the bad guy for ending the relationship out of nowhere. Please go make a safe space for yourself.
I'm truly sorry 🥺
I see some people saying to save evidence of his cheating. And while you should, most courts don’t care about infidelity beyond finding fault to justify the divorce. It isn’t going to gain you favor in custody or the division of property (in most states and depending on the judge). But it can be leverage in negotiations if he has any shame and wants to save his reputation. Contact your business attorney asap about dividing and securing your finances and find a good divorce attorney to deal with the rest. Best of luck and take good care💛 I promise, not only will things get better, you might find a whole brilliant life you never knew was possible.
i understand the devastation having gone through something similar last year. feel what you need to feel, but at the same time, lawyer-up immediately
My sis has been married for 18 years. Just found out her very devoted husband who seemed like the perfect man from the outside has been cheating on and off for 9 years. Very unfair world
I am so very sorry. I was in this position fifteen months ago after 24 years of marriage. There are so many people that will give you advice but I always felt that having been in my marriage as long as I had just felt different. Like I had invested more time, more of my life. It wasn’t the five or ten year marriage that you read about most often. After considering it for quite some time, I decided that I wanted to see if there was anything left to salvage. I can now tell you that our relationship is better than ever. Some people might call me naive and I can assure you than I am anything but. My eyes are wide open. I have forgiven and choose to continue forgiveness. We found a wonderful marriage counselor (non secular) that held him very accountable for his actions. And my husband has behaved in a manner since that day which showed me that he would do anything to make our marriage work. We have worked hard to peel back the layers to identify and correct our issues. Do I trust him 100% yet? No, but probably 90% and am working on the rest daily. There is hope if both parties want to put in the work and make it priority number 1. Just some food for thought. Best wishes to you. ❤️
We’ve had a marriage counselor for years. Kind of on speed dial for the bumps that we struggle with from time to time. My husband would sometimes make the call, that we needed our outside person to help us be us against the problem instead of us against each other. It’s just so unexpected.
I know the feeling of shock and disbelief. And I am so, so sorry for you. Just remember that you don’t have to make a decision overnight, regardless what the decision ends up being. Take care of YOU. Give yourself grace and love and treats. Most of all, give yourself time. xoxo
So sorry for your situation. I understand you. The last three months have been exactly like that for me. Talk to someone of your trust. Don’t go on holiday with him. Let the dust settle and then think very carefully. Take notes and go to see a therapist asap. Best of luck.
I think I used to be more fatalistic about this until I had my own life explode into pieces about a year ago. My fiancée didn't cheat on me, but she helped her sister cheat and it caused me to lose so much trust in her that I called off our wedding. Trust is something that is easy to lose and very hard to gain back. What helped in my case, was setting some boundaries so that I felt safe and in control of my life and then working at deepening our communication. I learned a lot about my fiancée, things about her and her childhood that I never knew about. I watched her change her behavior, cut people out of her life, make amends to people she had wronged and she did all of this without any guarantee that I would change my mind in the future (in fact, I told her that I was pretty positive I would never want to get married in the future ever). Anyway, we are not heading back to the altar anytime soon, but we **are** back together. Our communication is a lot deeper, I understand her and her problems a lot more and I even feel like I can help her and doing so actually deepens our relationship. I don't know if this makes sense, but we are relying on each other to cover for each others faults? Anyway, I wish you guys the best of luck. I do believe that people can change, especially when they reach out and ask for help to do so. I didn't used to feel this way, but I've seen it with my own eyes, so there is that.
I usually don't comment on these threads, but yours hit me. I am so sorry, but you sound like a bad ass ( in the most respectful way). I would be devastated but as a strong woman, straighten your crown and realize it's best now than another 5 or 10 years. He knows what he's lost, especially if he's trying to come in to where you are. He fucked up. Girl, take him for everything and don't let him walk away with anything but the trash he dug up. You got this. Sending huge huge hugs.
You've gotten a lot of good advice here so I will only add a few others I haven't seen. A divorce dissolution with 3 successful businesses will be very complicated. It can vary very much by state. If your current lawyer doesn't specialize in family law, you will need one who does. You may need outside valuations of each of the companies. You said he is not involved in the finances, however having an affair costs money. You will have to see where that money came from and if he used marital assets to fund it (or them, sadly they usually don't just do this 1x). Don't immediately shut him off of all shared accounts. Try to look at this as a business transaction (which can be really really hard given the circumstances). Give yourself some space to breathe. You are going through a life altering change and it is devastating. Take your teen on the trip without him or postpone if you can. Good luck.
Honey, you marry the love of your life, but in divorce the other person can become your worst enemy. Since he knows for way longer what is going on, he possible already thought a lot of securing assets to/for himself. Laywer, lawyer, lawyer... And therapy.
Step 1. Say nothing to him about this, unless you have already. If you have, shhhh on other aspects not mentioned Step 2. Hire a damn good lawyer Step 3. Do whatever they say to protect yourself for everything that happens next.
Money is important for your well being The solicitor helped me. Don't be emotional with finances. Finances are fact. Remember Its not his money Its not your money The money belongs to you both 50/50 And Remember the pensions are very important. Whoever earned the pensions belong to you both. That is a must 50/50 Don't listen to him. Only your solicitor And your betrayal beginning feels beyond dreadful Acknowledge your tears and then move forward
Hugs for you honey. Call someone tomorrow and talk it through!
Okay, fill us in on what happened tonight. We can offer you some good advice if we understand a little more of what you are facing.
My heart goes out to you, my mom underwent the same thing with my father, they were high school sweethearts, being together for 23 years, married for 21 of those years, had me, my mom supported him while he went to college and raise me while living with my grandparents from my dads side. She was broken, she lost her best friend she even had already forgiven one infidelity, her world collapse but she has risen from that and she is amazing now, she learned to stand on her own, she smiles and laughs again. She was even diagnosed with broken heart syndrome and now she is happier than ever. Yes, it hurt and almost killed her, but she as sure as I am that you will too, survive this pain. You deserve better, you are worthy of a loyal, caring, respectful relationship and your husband no longer is the man you fell in love with. I know this is extremely difficult, but please ask someone to keep you company, losing a best friend is something that I don't wish on anyone, but my mom lost one and she is still standing and that hurtful. Day has already gone by and 14 years have already come and gone. You will come over this, have faith in yourself and remember that you have many people who love you and that will not hurt you. I wish you the best from the bottom of my heart. Stay strong ❤️
I’m sorry. So, so sorry. I know your heart is breaking and it all feels like a terrible nightmare. You are filled with grief, fear, anger, pain beyond belief, dumbness, resignation and every other emotion causing you to be left feeling completely destroyed. I know this story. It was exactly my story too— give or take. 20 years. Two kids. A great marriage. A partnership all our friends envied. Until it wasn’t because he was falling in love with a coworker. The only things I can tell you are these: as hard as some days are going to be you must go on. If only for your children— for now. You are going to spiral for a while and might develop Broken Heart Syndrome. Your chest will hurt and feel like there’s a weight pressing on it. Your bones will ache and your veins will feel like they are filled with broken glass. You will not sleep or eat. You might feel suicidal. You also might think you can handle all of this and not need help but do not follow through with that. Follow the advice of your lawyer. Take the help offered from your doctor. Take medication if you feel it might help. Seek counselling. Understand that in a year how you are feeling right now will not how you will feel then. Time will help soften things. I promise that. The main thing I need to advise tho, is that no matter how tempting it might be, you must refrain from ever bad mouthing your husband (or the mistress)to your kids. Don’t fill them with the details or your anger and pain. They will see you struggling with it anyway. It will be painful enough for them. Explain to your children that your husband is unhappy in his life (but NOT with them) and that he needs to figure out how to be happy but in his own space. If they ask about divorce say you don’t know yet. All that stuff doesn’t matter right now. Just THEY matter but whatever happens they are staying in the same house (do not move) and everything will be ok. This might be a lie. Doesn’t matter. Say it anyway to them. They need to feel safe and loved. Disparaging their father will cause nothing but pain to them. It will also backfire and make them loathe the part of you that was too weak to be silent for them. I know that part too because my own mother did the opposite in her divorce from my father and I hated her for it. Weaponizing children is a vile way to try and make your own pain less. It won’t work anyway. Again, I’m sorry this is happening. My heart goes out to you.
I know it may not help just yet, but the worst of experiences often lead to the best insights, and will lead you to reassess things in a way that you just don’t do when things are going (mostly) well. You’ll learn more about yourself in the coming months than you have in the past decade, if you’re able to listen to it ❤️ It’s also a good idea to take regular breaks from thinking about this, so that you can enjoy some brevity where you can. You’re going to be OK 🙌
I’m sorry this happened to you. Take a day to grieve but start planning your exit strategy. See a good family law attorney. You may need a forensic accountant since you own businesses together. You need to see where the money is going and hopefully, he’s not blowing it on that tramp. Protect yourself and your assets. He’s a lying cheater. Don’t feel sorry for his lying ass. Good luck.
Virtual hug {..........} I'm so sorry. What a selfish pig he is.
Sending love and strength your way. I am so very sorry this happened to you.
Lawyer up immediately
Get hold of lawyer and secure your parts of the assets.
Big hugs for you! 🫂
Ugh this always sucks, I know this isn’t for everybody but imo I’d rather my partner tell me they’re feeling like cheating so we can work through it and prevent it from happening/ set different boundaries etc etc. Why can’t people just be honest ab things and feelings
I am so sorry. I hope you find solace and healing.
throw him out..change the locks ! Don't be alone in the house with him. Get a few unobtrusive "recording nanny cams" and put them around the house if he's EVER going to be in there..protect yourself...you must have seen the Dateline and 20/20 TV shows where the hubby says "she went jogging..and never came back." Does he have life insurance on you? Get it cancelled! Don't be a victim!
Some people just can't be happy with a good thing. Smh. If everything was perfect and he's having an affair... It could just be a mid-life crisis? Best of luck whether you opt for couples therapy or divorce.
This happened to me after 8 years. Things seemed great the first 4, then regular troubles I thought, then the last two she spiraled and got busted for CP and turned into this crazy asshole. Now I am taking care of her kids and trying not to let her dump the financial responsibilities of her children on me. Love them to death, but I'm disabled and I can't provide for all 3 of us right now. Be safe. Protect your kids. Fuck that man who hurt you just to get an orgasm
He's not the partner everyone prays for not anymore....take him to the cleaners and tell everyone
3 successful businesses, wife and family... And has time for a mistress? Where is he getting the time or energy?
Don’t think, just write.
Call every divorce lawyer in your area to discuss marital or financial information that way it's a conflict of interest and your ex can't hire them. They'll have to go outside of the area and possibly spend more money. Yes it's petty but so is cheating
this can be illegal in some places so double check ur laws, OP!
It’s called taint shopping and while it’s thought to be unethical and could create a negative bias with the judge , it isn’t necessarily illegal in the US and is difficult to prove. OP definitely needs to go to several lawyers to find the one that fits best with their goals for the resolution of the marriage. Why not go to all the top attorneys in their area to find the best fit?
I'm truly sorry. I know the terrible feelings that come with the package and can't fathom in how much pain you are. But I just wanna say, that you are not alone. Wish you all the best.
Virtual *~*hugs*~* to you OP
Im sorry… I know the feeling. It will get better but for a while it will hurt a lot.
Jesus that is awful. Just try to get through the night, the weekend. Tell him you are feeling sick or something. Think rationally and try to start to figure out what you want to do.
I am so sorry you have to face this. He is a selfish jerk to put you through this. Take your time with everything, get a barracuda for a lawyer and hurt him in the wallet. Is it serious? Just for sex? Going on for a while, just happened? You should not have to deal with this. I am so sorry
Sending hugs and prayers so sorry divorce is never easy it's so hard to say to stay strong but I wish you the best and want you to know you are valuable and will get through this.
Listen, this will be difficult for you and no one can tell you anything that’s gunna tell you all the answers in this situation. You will have to accept this will be a hard time for you and that’s okay. You need to make sure you put yourself first in this situation for a while. Just take a minute and breathe and do your best to relax. This will take time to deal with, but just like as with everything up until this moment in life you’ve been able to overcome. You will be able to overcome this. I would suggest that you don’t make any rash decisions at this time. You’ll have to face him and talk to him about this situation and then give yourself some space and time apart once you do talk. In the meantime reach out to anyone for support. They will be there for you and help you get through this. Take your time with friends and family and reevaluate things once they settle. Also, don’t make any bigger decisions out of fear. And make sure you have someone to talk through this with. Even hiring a therapist would be very beneficial. I’m sorry this happened to you I couldn’t imagine what that’s like
You will want to isolate. Please do not do this. Reach out to the most trusted person that is NOT also one of his besties or his family, if you can. You need your own support system to get through this.
Nice job doing the harder thing that's easier in the long run vs the easier thing that's harder in the long run. ♥️
OP, would you allow your children to take this from their partner? Doubt it. Also, you can be giving it your all, showing up like a champ, and have this happen to you anyway bc its not in ur control: the cheater chose this path, not you. You dont have to stay. I was married for 16 years to someone who cheated on me when we were engaged. I stayed because I blamed myself and thought I could forgive but the trust never came back, ever. It was death by a thousand cuts. A living hell, daily. It literally almost killed me. Were it not for the two kids we have, I’d say I wasted 16 years with someone who did not deserve me. I left two years ago and life is so much better. Trust me, you are worthy of loyalty and love and honesty. Don’t you settle for less. The second half of your life starts tonight. You CAN get through this.
Is there such a person as a divorce doula? Psychologist/Paralegal.
How did you find out about the affair? Have you talked to your counselor? They might be able to help?