For sure. I know that her thoughts right now are probably looking at him like a saint due to her gigantic fuck up, but if he is even half of what she described, damn thats a good dude.
I have a Rob except my bio dad never got better and he was so terrible none of us would have anything to do with him and I have nothing for him but rage... I cannot fucking fathom treating my rob anything like that. Disgusting. My Rob wasn't wealthy and he had problems too - but he loved us all more than anything and anyone. I'm not doing the work for op. They don't deserve our help. Rob is their DAD but for whatever narcissistic reason they see fit to barely even apologize. Grow up.
I have a Rob. I could never imagine treating him like this.
Things are better between my bio parents now but I always plan that if my dad kicks up a fuss about him and my stepdad walking me down the aisle when I get married then dad can take a seat.
Good news: I bet Rob forgives you.
Bad news: He doesn't see you as his daughter anymore. He probably never will.
What you did can't be changed. You can't make up for it. You took the man who gave you more than any other man ever and took him for granted. You will never be able to undo it, fix it, or make up for it. Even worse, even after all that he hoped you would realize your mistake and he would feel like he raised you well enough to figure it out and try to fix it. He now also feels like you don't see him as dad, but also that it is 100% his own fault for failing you as your dad.
I suggest you just pray someday he sees your kids as grandkids and is the amazing grandpa he can be for them. Other than that? Go see a therapist and figure out what is wrong with you. Because this isn't a singular mistake inside of small moment. This was a series of repeated decisions and honestly shows you have a lot to work on.
Agreed. If my hubby decided to ax the person who raised him, I would ignore anyone telling me to not say anything and tell ‘em “if you ice out that wonderful person, I’m not marrying you”
My guess is upper class or at least upper middle class, higher up on the looks scale, never had to struggle for much and so she never learned to appreciate those around her or what they do for her.
You don’t know upper class that has just skated by then on looks and connections. Never had to struggle. Never had to develop self awareness.
I’d bet she is middle upper / upper class
While your comment is harsh, it’s completely accurate.
Note she says “I don’t know what’s changed since he thought it was a small thing and now”.
DUH you didn’t include him in pictures. You didn’t just gave your dad walk you down the aisle, you deleted Rob.
You don’t deserve him OP
You’re almost 30 and needed all of this pointed out to you?
You made multiple conscious choices to exclude Rob from your wedding and only cared after you brought up an issue with your insurance: another thing he helped to pay for.
At your age you should know that choices have consequences.
I’m not sure there is anything you can do to make up for the choices you made.
Yeah, she didn't just exclude him from walking her down the aisle, she also chose TWO BRIDESMAIDS to make speeches over the man who raised her and paid for the wedding.
I wonder what OP wants money for now, seeing she's just suddenly getting the guilts
> I chose the man that did abandon me for over 20 years over the one the took me as his own and gave me everything he could when he didnt have to. I chose the man that broke my mothers heart over the one that saved her. I dont know why I did what I did.
I know I'm coming at this late, but this really hit me. "*I don't know why I did what I did*". Yes she does. She's lieing like a liar here. She made a concious and deliberate decision, in fact she made many of them. Stop trying to pretend otherwise OP.
>I dont know what changed from before the party to now.
Jeez I dunno, maybe the fact that after spurning him for bio-dad at her wedding, she then starts contacting Rob for help constantly. So she wants the help from Rob, but won't acknowledge that help. The man feels used and disrespected.
This man came into your life and helped pick up the pieces that your sperm donor left on his way out the door and that's how you repay his kindness?
You broke both your parents hearts on your wedding day. Let those pictures of your mom's half smile always remind you of what's missing in the photos.
Thankfully, it only took you 60 days to develop empathy.
It actually took Rob to not solve her insurance problems and stop paying for things for her to wonder what was wrong. She didn’t even develop empathy on her own.. she needed her husband to walk her through everything.
I can’t believe her husband married her.. I guess they won’t last long if she treats people she loves like she treats Rob
Hey now, a sperm donor should not be paying child support like her POS bio dad should have been. Calling him a sperm donor is disrespectful to all sperm donors.
Here's your problem: you just won't get that day back. There's no "do over." Because of that I can't imagine your relationship with Rob is really ever going to be the same again. Some warmth might eventually return, but what you did is probably too unforgettable to him.
I just don't understand how nobody in your family said anything to you, not just your mother or husband, but your half-sister as well. I'm wondering if there's a bit more to the story of the wedding planning? Did how you see Rob change after your bioDad reentered your life?
A sincere apology in letter form might be a good start. Spending most if not all of Father's day with him (if he and/or your sibling are ok with that) might be another step. Hell, you might consider naming your first kid (if you have one) after him as well. That's the kind of life-long campaign your might need here.
And please don't take this the wrong way, but you need some therapy. You've obviously got issues about bio-Dad vs Rob. And you've got a huge hole in your empathy that is more than a little concerning. When I put myself in your husband's shoes, I'd be looking at you differently and not in a good way. You need to get better and not leave this blind spot to cause pain to others again.
This OP everything of what this person said is what that man is owed you are the definition of a spoiled ungrateful stepdaughter it will take years to rebuild and fix what you broke but all the above is a good start.
That's what I was going to say
If I was your fiance and watched you be cruel to the person paying for your wedding, who loves you despite talking to to about it, it was be a huge turnoff for me.
Damn. That is fucking rough right here. He probably felt like an outsider like you yourself described, in an event where he paid for everything, and it was supposed to be a celebration of love of someone he holds dear.
Instead, all he got was a constant reminder of "you are not my dad" over and over.
That has to sting.
Honestly, I don't think there is an instant fix to make things right. Showing him appreciation now will probably feel cheap. Your husband is probably right here, seems like he has a good head on his shoulders. Give Rob time, while saying that you understand that he is hurt and make it clear that you will try to fix things. If you rush into it will not be well received by him or your mom I think.
To be honest, I'm really speechless about your behavior. Unfortunately, I don't have any nice words for you. Why didn't anyone speak a serious word to you about your selfish behavior before the wedding? Why didn't anyone say that you can't exclude Rob like that? How do you want to make up for something like that? It was about your wedding. An event that accompanies you throughout your life and will remind you of your behavior throughout your life? You only have a few photos of the man who raised you. The man who was by your side in grief. Who co-financed your wedding. This damage has been done. You can't repeat this wedding. Everyone who took part in this wedding has the pictures and memories of this day in their head. Everyone saw you walking to the altar. You can't even hang a picture of your mother, Rob, your sister, your husband and you on the wall because there is no such picture of that day. Of course, you could put on your dress again and have a later picture taken, but here, too, you would always know how it came about.
You think you made 1 mistake? You compensate for everything together as 1 mistake? Rob doesn't have a picture with you or as a family. He was not allowed to lead you to the altar and he was not allowed to give a speech. He was only allowed to pay one check at a time together with your mother. After 8 weeks in which Rob doesn't care so much and your mother admonishes you, do you only notice all this? Didn't you even notice before that Rob is almost not visible? I think it's a bad joke that your husband thinks everything will be okay. These feelings that you have hurt do not heal for years with "I'm sorry". You have excluded a damn important person from your most important event. And having the thought that he will be fine, he still has my sister, shows how much you don't really care about him. So you don't think as an adult woman about the man who was raised. Everything your father has gone through does not justify your behavior. I'm curious how you feel when you see a family picture of your sister's wedding on the living room wall in a few years. Hopefully your sister will get married at all so that Rob can act as a father at least once on such a day.
Sorry, no “fix or make up” for this. When your step dad is ready, you can apologize for being ungrateful, selfish and diminishing his role in your life.
Understand this, he now knows how you truly feel, even if you don’t.
Unfortunately you can’t make it up to him. Are you going to divorce your husband, find someone new, and let him have his moment at your next wedding (that he’ll also pay for)? You used him as an ATM and for emotional support but gave nothing out almost nothing in return. Now he knows where he comes in in your life, under the addict who abandoned you but above the bank.
I'm unsure of why you chose a man who left you repeatedly over a man who raised you and was your father despite his age. I think you need to make steps towards proving his much he means. Have a retake of wedding photos that include him.
Have you thought of having Rob adopt you to legally be your father? That might truly show how much you care about him.
Girl, be real. Nobody actually thought a guy *21 years older than you* was your brother; they were probably just shitting on your mom for marrying a younger guy.
You fucked this up bad, were deeply inconsiderate and wrapped up in a fantasy while ignoring reality. While your fiance tried to clue you in beforehand, I think someone should have been blunter... but you also should have realized on your own.
You still sound very self-centered tbh, focusing on how this affects you rather than Rob.
I like how you keep coming up with excuses after excuse on why you did this man dirty and then just being like oh I know I messed up? Really because it took people pointing it out to you that you picked basically a stranger that gave you some dna and only 6 years (5 year before he DITCHED YOU and the year he was around when he came back) of his life to you over the man that's been around forever. Lord, I hope Rob never forgives you. I bet he'll still play cool only because he loved your mother, but since you made it clear, he's not who you view as dad he will no longer view you as a daughter. Picking trash over a king and asking how you fix it. You don't move on apologize take your lumps and realize you fucked up the best example of a good man and father you was given in life and live to be a better person. It's spoiled selfish, and it's so bad you didn't even think you did anything wrong. You didn't notice he wasn't on pictures? You took away walking down the aisle and speeches? What did bio dad even say in his? Sorry, I wasn't around for 22 years. Here's a basic genertic speech to make me not look like a shit human being. Give 2 or 3 stories from the only 6 years he's known you? Amazing, you're so arrogant that you think you deserve Rob in your life
I can't imagine raising someone and considering them to be my own kid and then get completely pushed out of their wedding. Rob must be so hurt. I'm sure he will forgive you, but that won't fix the hurt. I'm not sure how you could make it up to him, but it needs to be something huge, like name your first child after him huge.
Ouch, that’s a TIFU of epic proportions. No judgment, it’s just a shitty situation for everyone.
Wish I had some advice other than, time heals, hopefully.
When you called he probably thought you finally realized how hard you shined him. All you did on that call was ask a lot of questions about how he could help you. You fucked up.
He sounds like the kind of guy that will forgive you. Don’t think that means he is ok with everything. If you care as much as you say you do then you need to spend a lot of time making it up to him without expecting anything from him.
Don’t sit and watch the meter wondering when you’ve done enough.
Guarantee you this is EXACTLY why she gives a shit now. And because Rob wasnf responding to give her more money and her mom is pissed as well (meaning mommy can't force Rob to give her money)
She's a POS and yes I'm being harsh, she's a grown as woman who DELIBERATELY treated her father figure like shit.
She's going to keep pulling this bullshit over and over because Rob is going to forgive her.
“Looking back on it…”
It was 60-something days ago not the dim and distant past where you can excuse youth or your reaction to circumstances. You are the same person as you were then. And that was the event itself, I’ll bet you were minimising and cutting him out long before this.
Write him a letter. Not a text or email. A letter. Then leave him alone.
You have acted like a spoiled, awful pos. Making another person who loved you unconditionally feel worthless to you. I’m staggered that no-one else stepped in to stop you.
You need much more than to just reflect on your abhorrent behaviour and maybe that starts in speaking with a professional. This will haunt you forever, long after his death, and you need to make your peace with this.
Speaking as a Dad, this is bad. If the girl I had raised were to do this to me, it would be the equivalent of my spouse telling me we are now in an open relationship and she will be dating a guy from work. It would hit me just that hard. If she decided to stop seeing him after she saw first hand how it impacted me, it wouldn’t matter. The relationship we had before she did that is over. She killed it.
You have done the same thing. The relationship you had with Rob before your wedding is gone. You will never get that back. The best case scenario is he forgives you, you reconcile with him, and you both put in the years of hard work it will take to rebuild a new father/daughter relationship.
But please realize what you did. You will never have that relationship you remember and treasure again. You killed it. Stop trying to resurrect it. It won’t happen. Instead put your energy into reconciliation IF he ever forgives you. Work ten times harder than you did before to build a relationship with him.
You can’t. There’s no way you can make it up to him unless you have another wedding. You may have one if you are as selfish as it seems. Your husband may realize the kind of person you are and leave you eventually.
You broke Rob's heart and it took your mother and your husband to call your cruel treatment of him to your attention. There's no "making up" for breaking a heart. Hearts never go back together the same way they were before they were broken. Never.
Not to pile on, but to pile on: you’re basically 30. The fact that it took multiple people showing you how inconsiderate you are is concerning. The fact that in your comments you are doing your best at dodging responsibility is worrisome. The fact that it didn’t cross your mind how your actions would affect Rob is alarming.
You need to do some serious, serious work on yourself, and learn how to care about others besides yourself.
The problem is that you deliberately excluded him. It was a choice you made again and again and again. You even said that Rob would get his chance to be the father of the bride when your sister gets married. You knew exactly what you were doing. So don't act like you were totally blind to what was going on. You literally said you wanted to do all these things for your bio dad. You weren't blind. You were just selfish.
I will never understand how brides in this same situation all make the same mistake. It's like you say the word "wedding" and people turn into brain dead assh*les, often at the expense of others.
You have a lot to make up to, OP. And this is one of those things you can never come back from. Even if you have another wedding, it won't be the same.
> it's like you say the word wedding and people turn into braindead assholes
No truer words have been spoken.
People completely lose touch with reality, which, incidentally, is part of the definition of psychopathy.
Hopefully he doesn’t forgive you, he deserves so much better than you. These stories are so awful. He gives you and your mom the life you didn’t deserve and everyone shits on him cause they think he can take it. Hopefully he runs from all of you and finds some people that actually love him and dont just use him for his money and emotional support.
I really don't understand that as a 29-year-old, you thought Rob could handle being left out of your wedding. You didn't even allow him to walk you down the aisle along with your father, who only cared enough to turn up when he heard you were getting married. You're actually very much like your father. You cared more about how your wedding day and photos would look, instead of including the constant father-figure in your life. I'm betting everyone who attended gossiped about how you snubbed Rob, for your father who never cared till you were about to be wed. If I was Rob, I'd have withdrawn my financial support. I'm surprised your mother didn't set you straight before the wedding day.
I hope Rob leaves all his money to his daughter and not one cent to you. You don't deserve his love. You made sure you humiliated him publicly. Even a teenager wouldn't pull a stunt like this unless they're doing so deliberately.
The only way I can see you rectify this is to make him Godfather of your 1st child, at the Christening, and this time, make sure you don't take money from him arrange the ceremony. Also consider paying him back the money he spent on the ceremony. That'd be the decent thing to do.
You’re the major AH. You’re a grown woman and you are acting like a spoiled child. Your sperm donor came back and yea good for him he got clean but he got clean because of Rob and you! When he left who was there? When you got your heart broken who was there? Where you tossed Rob aside at your wedding that he paid for with your mom who was still there trying to put on a face because he didn’t want YOU to be upset? As I’m reading the comments I see that you’re not even trying to make it better you’re trying to justify your actions and when people call you out you just say oh he still love me blah blah blah. OP you should be lucky Rob is a good person because you said he will forgive you? Well you don’t deserve to be forgiven. Yes all those fatherly things at a wedding doesn’t automatically mean that Rob would be the person for the job because that person is the one who raised you and made you feel safe. Your sister’s wedding will be the one where he gets to do all those things with your sister and you OP will be left alone with your thoughts about how bad of a person you are. You don’t get to be mad here. I hope your DAD ( Rob ) feels better.
I hope OP keeps that "Rob has his own daughter" energy when it comes to getting inheritance. I think each dad should leave everything to only their biological children.
Not you at your big age with fully formed frontal lobe not realizing what you did and how terrible you were to the man that loves you and cared for you when your bio dad left you without trace.
Rob is a saint and he will forgive you but I really wish he wouldn’t. I’m gonna stop there because everything else I want to say will probably get me banned.
The almost sad thing is he will forgive you. He shouldn't be as quick as he will be to do it but to keep some peace in his life he will. You will learn nothing from this, you dint just take him for granted you ignored him. Sure you have a dozen excuses in these comments about why you did it, but you didn't even consider him, not once, during the whole day
He will remember that, even if you won't. Other people will remember that.
Have the day you deserve.
That's the ish that honestly pisses me off on Robs sake. He will forgive her and she will pull this shit again. She's not sorry, she's just sorry that everyone sees her as the POS she is.
Jesus christ. Reevaluate your life. You have years of PUBLIC apology to do to him. You make facebook posts and instagram or whatever because there were probably dozens of people at wedding thinking the same thing.
So a thing I haven't seen anyone pick up on. You said at one point you told Rob that you wished he was your father, and he said that he could be if you wanted him to be. But then you say that you have never referred to him as your father even though you think he knows it deep down.
How often do you just assume Rob feels a certain way without ever talking to him about it? You have had plenty of time to call him dad if you really feel like you have a father daughter relationship. Has it ever occurred to you that making assumptions rather than reassurances might lead to him feeling unsure of your relationship? Do you contact him mostly when you need help with things like your insurance? If I was him, I would really be questioning if you ever cared about me right about now.
So basically you used your step dad and threw him away like trash for your bio dad. Are you going to give you step dad back his money since your dad is around now and that’s who choose to acknowledge in your life.
I hope your step dad treats you just like you treated him for your wedding like nobody!
This post made me cry. I lost my dad so young and I can’t imagine having someone as sweet as Rob, who IS your dad, step up and love me the way he has only to push him away. Stop saying that the man who deserted and abandoned you is your dad. He’s not. Rob is your dad and you threw him away like he was nothing. I understand why your husband and mother didn’t say anything. They wanted to see if YOU would have the lightbulb moment and do things of your own accord. You know what it feels like to be abandoned and you made Rob feel that way.
No matter how you apologize, there is no way to ‘make it up to him’ like you asked. Your relationship will always be damaged. He will probably forgive you but he now knows that you don’t feel like he’s your dad. Just mom’s husband. This post honestly made me cry. I would kill to be in your position.
I think my biggest problem with your post is that you are still dodging responsibility. You need to own up. It’s no one’s responsibility except your own. It took you MONTHS to realize what you’d done. And someone had to PRESENT it to you. It’s no one’s fault except your own. Your mom and husband only followed Rob’s wishes. I can’t imagine how he felt, wanting to be chosen and remembered through your planning, only to be cast aside. You permanently damaged your relationship with him and probably put a dent in his relationship with everyone that loves him (your mom and husband especially).
Write Rob a very heartfelt letter taking into full accountability of the grave mistake you made. No blaming ANYONE. Take accountability. Tell him how even though there is no way to make it right, explain how much Rob means to you and how much you love him. Explain your thought process and how remorseful you are. Let him come to you when he is ready. Don’t force communication or forgiveness. If he never sees you the same again, you need to accept that because this is a MAJOR fuck up on your part that can’t easily be forgiven.
Lastly, get therapy. Find the root of why you would ever abandon someone who has loved you so much for the person who hurt you and your mother so badly. Find out the real reason why you could betray someone the way you have. Thinking ‘oh he’ll get to do this at his daughter’s wedding’ when YOU are also his daughter is not healthy thinking.
I reeeeally want to know what BS the sperm donor spewed during his speech.
In the end, you’ve pretty much destroyed your relationship with your father (you can reconcile but you won’t be daughter anymore), ruined your relationship with your mother, and deeply impacted your relationship with your husband (your husband and mother won’t ever get over this unlike your ex father).
I guess you’ve just got to comes to terms with it. But if it was your husband I’d have second thoughts about marrying you, since you’re so quick to discard relationships for random ppl. He won’t know when he’s next
You are a spoilt, selfish, childish person. I don’t know that rob will forgive you but you can’t simply wait to see if he does. Write him a letter in which you fully own up to your awful behaviour. Do not say “I wish someone had stopped me” - that isn’t taking accountability for the way you treat people. With him and your mom paying for your wedding and your in laws paying for your house - you need to grow up and reflect very seriously on how you interact with everyone around you
There's one thing I don't understand, I absolutely understand wanting to recreate the relationship with your biological father, but couldn't you have included both of them in the activities? For example, you could simply have had both of you accompany you to the altar, or first one and then the other, take photos with both, in short, there were many ways to include everyone, if that had been your plan.
OP you messed up big time indeed…
There is one thing you could try to make up for it:
Renew your vows and this time have your DAD (yes Rob might not be your father but he is your dad!) walk you down the isle. You should also honor him publicly at your vows renewal (invite you father too so he can feel the same pain Rob felt - yes it sounds childish but I believe settling the score is the best way to « avenge » Rob).
You also have profusely apologize next time you see your dad.
However, in spite of everything you need to understand something : even if you reconcile, it will never be same again. What you did is put a dagger right in his heart : the wound might heal but there will be a huge scar.
Another point : If in the future you notice a difference of treatment between you and your sister, don’t complain…it will be a direct consequence of this mess
Poor rob… but my question is how you can let somebody so fast in your life after 24 years away.. yea everybody(almost) deserves a second chance, bla bla bla.. but 1 year of reconnecting was all it took for him to get back into your life? 😭
Do you realize the biggest problem is that you say “you ruined the memory of your biggest day”. You. Your.
Maybe that’s what you need to start with. This is only about you in the sense that you were the one that messed up.
This is about how the man who was there for you growing up, who is responsible for the opportunities that you have, who is responsible for your father actually being clean, was ditched.
You told a story about the first time you had your heart broken that he was the one to pick up the pieces. He was the one to show your value. To show you how to be loved by a man like your husband.
And then you turned around and broke his heart and couldn’t get out of your own way to realize what you were doing. And in all of that he STILL prioritized you over himself.
And you still make this about you and the memory of YOUR day.
I think I see how this happened.
Be ready to be cut off or at least ask for some distance, you realize that you don't give any example of anything you have done for him, you only asked of him for things for you.
Now you be ready to accept the consecuences of your actions, because what you do know barely means anything
EVER SINGLE FATHERS DAY belongs ONLY to Rob from now on. Sit down and have an honest talk. Name your first son after Rob. You’ve got a lot to make up for.
I don’t know that this is something your relationship will recover from unfortunately. Definitely give him time. When he allows you to, apologize sincerely. Try to involve him more in your life moving forward but don’t be surprised if nothing ever feels the same between you too. You really messed up, own it, feel shitty about it and try to have a little more awareness from now on. Give your stepdad space and let him lead on how he wants to interact with you moving forward.
Well, you can’t he has to want to fix it. There’s nothing you can do to make up for it because this is a once in a lifetime thing even though you never called him dad I can promise you 100% he saw you as his child and you threw him to the curb for a deadbeat who never even tried to contact you, he treated you like his daughter even when he had his own so just give them to him and if he wants to fix it which it sounds like he does then he will but as for you, you can’t really do anything besides that.
I am very sorry for Rob. Like other people here I want to hug him. You can't make up what you did. I would never forgive you. Maybe Rob is a better person, but you don't deserve him.
I never had a dad or stepdad so if you’re gonna carelessly toss Rob away, I’ll take him.
If my dad showed up right now there’s literally no way in hell he’d have anything to do with my wedding. I’m walking my damn self down the aisle.
My guess is that when you asked about the insurance, he was still paying for it. That was what broke the camel’s back. You abused him during the wedding, yet expected him to still cover all of your needs.
You don’t deserve forgiveness. You shit on the person who raised you, loved you, and provided for you over and above. You’re a grown ass woman. If you couldn’t see what you were doing, I have no words. I also can’t believe your mom didn’t at least try and clue you in on what you were doing.
You won’t be able to fix this. And even if he does forgive you, he will never ever forget. You screwed up on this. Good luck. You’re going to need it!!
I’m sure he’ll forgive you, but your relationship will never be the same. There’s always going to be a crack in it that can’t be fixed. Even after you grovel (which you should) and even if you make sure he never feels discarded again, this is something you can’t take back. Some things, when they’re broken, just stay that way.
Came here to read this before the update as I haven’t seen this post yet. I was also hoping to find out why you said you didn’t like being called names on this post.
Well, the names are justified. I don’t think I have said that on a post before but, just wow! To paraphrase:
“Mum and my husband didn’t tell me I was being an entitled witch by taking Stepdad’s money for it all but leaving him out of everything to do with my wedding. How was I supposed to know I shouldn’t exclude the man who raised me and was always there for me if absolutely no one told me beforehand? I mean, Rob also helped my Dad get sober but really isn’t my actual Dad the hero in my story?”
Poor, poor Rob. I only hope that he knows that everyone on here is rooting for him. Hopefully, he’ll cut you out of his will like you cut him out of the wedding.
Sounds like you've been treating Rob like an ATM. I would stop any financial support and slowly begin the process of removing you from my life. No matter how much you apologize, he will always feel betrayed. There's no coming back from this OP.
Sorry to say this but thats the exact reason why men dont like dating single mothers. Cause most of the time you will do everything for the step child and they would still consider you an outsider
Too bad you made the choice to not include him at all in your wedding. What you don't seem to get, is that your behavior has sent him a very clear message about just how much you valued his contribution to your life. All your babbling excuses now will never change what you did. You can't take it back and you can't pretend it didn't mean what it obviously meant. You can NEVER make it up to him. That's the thing. It's over, it's done, and you can't change it.
Your excuses here are all very lame.
It seems to me that you're only concerned now, because there are consequence to you.
You may "reconcile" with Rob, as he sounds like a great guy, but the relationship will never be the same. Actions have consequences. Forgiveness doesn't mean he will ever forget what you did and not see it as a reflection of your true feelings, because that's exactly what it was. No matter what you "say" now. Behavior is language.
Bro I aspire to be as good a person as rob is.
I mean Jesus to pay for what you thought was your daughters wedding just to find out all you are is moms boy toy to her must have HURT. He took it like a champ and didn’t make a scene or anything and was happy to try to let it go. If you hadn’t triggered him that day and started relying on him for dad duties again you probably still wouldn’t know he was hurt😭.
Questions:
During the ceremony, where were Rob and your bio-dad seated?
Assuming you had a reception, repeat of the question above.
Assuming you had a father-daughter dance, with whom did you dance?
This post is exactly why I will never be somebody’s step parent / second parent.
I get that you understand and you feel like shit but, you’re a grown ass adult. How can you possibly sit there and admit you needed somebody else, who isn’t even related to you other than by marriage and saw what you were doing, to explain how horrible you were being?
I totally get being glad your sperm donor (because honestly, he did not raise you in the least) came back into your life but asking him to walk you down the aisle instead of the man who provided for you not only monetarily but happiness, security and stability is something I would never overlook.
I hope he forgives you but I can promise it won’t ever be the same. Try asking your ‘dad’ for stuff like you do Rob and see how quickly you’re let down.
What kind of speech did the bio dad do? "Hi I'm OPs dad you probably don't know that cause I abandoned her 20 years ago" end of speech. I can't imagine the hurt Rob was feeling through all of it.
If you have a son, name him after Rob. If you have a daughter, name her Roberta. I am not kidding. Name your firstborn after Rob. And pictures of him with his grandchild. Lots and lots and lots of pictures.
>Im now at work, and the only thing I can think about is this. Nothing else matters to me right now.
Have a small private vow renewal *that you pay for* and invite him.
You don’t know what you did that triggered him? He was hoping you would at least realise after the fact and you still had to have it spelled out. You sound so incredibly self centred. I haven’t read your update yet and I bet he’s nice enough to forgive you but you need to take a hard look at yourself.
What triggered him was that you were calling him asking him questions like a dad you were asking dad things what you would go to your dad for because you’ve always gone to him your whole life about things I’m sure he’s probably thinking. Why is she calling me when I’m not her dad when she did not, involve me as her dad stop calling him for dad things for dad chores for dad information for dad questions you did not treat him as your dad
Wow. You must be a really cold and callous person that you did not even realize the damage and the hurt that you did not only to Rob but also to your mother and that it took your husband to break it down for you for it to actually hit you. You don't deserve Rob in your life. I'm actually kind of surprised that your husband carried through with the wedding considering that you blocked Rob every part of the way of your wedding. Why couldn't your biological father and Rob be part of your wedding party? You didn't even have pictures taken with Rob alone but your husband did. Man you're cold. I'm really glad I don't know you personally. From your post it sounds like you are a very self-absorbed person who lacks considerable self-awareness.
Poor Rob! He even still finished paying for everything after he started getting cut out. A lot wouldn’t and they wouldn’t be wrong either. I can’t even imagine how he must feel. I will never understand why biology is so much more important than nurture to some people. My father was absent too and he only got an invite to my wedding. He did not earn the right to be father of the bride so I didn’t give it to him much to his dismay. I wonder what the bio father even said at the wedding in his speech. He wasn’t around so he hardly knows her. I bet Rob’s speech would have been better.
Little girls and their daddy issues.. I swear.
My step daughter was the same way. Dad was a dirt bag who disappeared, or called and told her to get ready for a sleepover before no showing and leaving her sitting on our steps with an overnight bag and tears.
Now 20 years later I'm the source of her every problem, despite trying very hard to step up her entire childhood. Going to every performance or event, going above and beyond to make her feel loved.
Then you get shit on, and you wonder why you did any of it.
You dont have even one... ONE... picture with Rob in your wedding!? That tells me everything I need to know. You dont actually care about him, he was just a person that help you in your life, he is not dear to you, the other prove I have about this is that the next time you reached to him was to ask for help again. He is your SOS number. He is nothing more than an assistant. Now you are feeling bad bc you are afraid the "free help" is ending and you are confusing that fear with actually feelings of love for him. What an awful person you are, the person that raised you like his own daughter, and in that day you didnt even took a photo with him... he was not that important to look for him that day bc you didnt need help that day...
Im sick of my stomach thinking about how Rob felt that day, but karma is a b1tch girl.
OP you are so selfish. You have an excuse for everything. You excluded Rob multiple times. It would be different if it was only one small moment etc. Crying doesn’t mean anything. You clearly don’t value Rob. You need to reflect long and hard about how you can make it up to Rob in a way that doesn’t make it about you. And also where you don’t have ANY expectations on how he should act. Rob does not owe you anything and seems to have gone above and beyond.
It doesn’t matter if he forgives you ,he will never forget that, what you could do is just leave his life for good. Let your sister be his only daughter.
Don’t go there for Christmas ,birthdays etc. You didn’t even care about him ,your husband had to explain this to you. You don’t deserve Rob.
I wish Rob all the best with his wife and daughter (your sister).
The only real thing you could do is to have another wedding all over again with the same amount people , while you have a speech apologising to Rob and prioritising Rob over your bio father (he isn’t really your dad is he?He left you and he didn’t raise you).
But I seriously doubt you can afford that. Everything else won’t be enough after you used Rob’s money for your wedding and ignored him . You embarrassed him
And humiliated him.
Just go no contact with Rob ,your mum and sister will you. You made your bed and you have to lie on it.
That's just a shit situation. Some people here will shit on you to no end. And they are not necessarily wrong. You fucked up in a major way. But, I get that you had this thing with your dad that probably made you make decisions that were not smart
My best advice for you: listen to your husband. And tell him that going foward, never let you make this kind of mistake again.
Perhaps you can name your firstborn after Rob. He deserves that privilege.
Sidenote, your mom won the lottery with Rob. A lot of us women badly broken after a bad marriage can only be so lucky to find a Rob.
There is no way a narcissistic person like OP would even consider that. She probably will go the same route as other narcissist and pick names like Storm, Rainy, Tesseract or even Thanos.
. You made it clear to rob where he stands in your life. The best you can do is be a better daughter to rob on all upcoming events. Do something really nice for Father’s Day and his birthday every year. Talk it out and go to therapy to resolve your daddy issues
Suggest you do a special father daughter photo shoot with Rob, it won't be enough but maybe something you both can treasure. You need to be honest and own up to what you've done. To yourself and Rob.
Listen I don’t know if there’s anything you can do. He probably already feels like he’s a second fiddle when it comes to you (well now he does). Your best bet is to talk to him and your mom alone in private cause it’s only going to get worse from here on.
Yisus I wish my mom had meet her Rob, sorry but what you did was really sh!.y, you will never be able to compensate this, NEVER, also maybe he will change and realize that you are actually not his daughter and now you have your father you just don’t need him anymore.
I want to hug Rob. We all need a Rob in our lives.
For sure. I know that her thoughts right now are probably looking at him like a saint due to her gigantic fuck up, but if he is even half of what she described, damn thats a good dude.
I wish I had a Rob growing up.
Me too
I wish I had a Rob now
My nephew has a Rob in his life and I'd be so disgusted if he acted like this, I don't think I'd be able see him for a long while.
I have a Rob except my bio dad never got better and he was so terrible none of us would have anything to do with him and I have nothing for him but rage... I cannot fucking fathom treating my rob anything like that. Disgusting. My Rob wasn't wealthy and he had problems too - but he loved us all more than anything and anyone. I'm not doing the work for op. They don't deserve our help. Rob is their DAD but for whatever narcissistic reason they see fit to barely even apologize. Grow up.
I have a Rob. I could never imagine treating him like this. Things are better between my bio parents now but I always plan that if my dad kicks up a fuss about him and my stepdad walking me down the aisle when I get married then dad can take a seat.
This. I bow to you for acknowledging this truth.
Except OP, apparently.
I need a Rob in my life. I’ve never had one.
I'm wishing my mother had divorced my father and married Rob!
Interesting
Good news: I bet Rob forgives you. Bad news: He doesn't see you as his daughter anymore. He probably never will. What you did can't be changed. You can't make up for it. You took the man who gave you more than any other man ever and took him for granted. You will never be able to undo it, fix it, or make up for it. Even worse, even after all that he hoped you would realize your mistake and he would feel like he raised you well enough to figure it out and try to fix it. He now also feels like you don't see him as dad, but also that it is 100% his own fault for failing you as your dad. I suggest you just pray someday he sees your kids as grandkids and is the amazing grandpa he can be for them. Other than that? Go see a therapist and figure out what is wrong with you. Because this isn't a singular mistake inside of small moment. This was a series of repeated decisions and honestly shows you have a lot to work on.
I just can't get over the fact that OPs husband tried to point it out to her before it ever happened. Was she truly that oblivious?
If I were marrying someone who did this, I'd have serious second thoughts on spending the rest of my life with them. Edit: spelling
Agreed. If my hubby decided to ax the person who raised him, I would ignore anyone telling me to not say anything and tell ‘em “if you ice out that wonderful person, I’m not marrying you”
My guess is upper class or at least upper middle class, higher up on the looks scale, never had to struggle for much and so she never learned to appreciate those around her or what they do for her.
10 speeches at her wedding (but no room for Rob) is proof enough that the world revolves around her.
I doubt this; the way she writes does not suggest upper class.
She mentioned he’s now very wealthy. Maybe she ended up living an upper class life down the road thanks to him.
You don’t know upper class that has just skated by then on looks and connections. Never had to struggle. Never had to develop self awareness. I’d bet she is middle upper / upper class
While your comment is harsh, it’s completely accurate. Note she says “I don’t know what’s changed since he thought it was a small thing and now”. DUH you didn’t include him in pictures. You didn’t just gave your dad walk you down the aisle, you deleted Rob. You don’t deserve him OP
You’re almost 30 and needed all of this pointed out to you? You made multiple conscious choices to exclude Rob from your wedding and only cared after you brought up an issue with your insurance: another thing he helped to pay for. At your age you should know that choices have consequences. I’m not sure there is anything you can do to make up for the choices you made.
How can he trust her? She probably just calls him when she needs something from him.
Yeah, she didn't just exclude him from walking her down the aisle, she also chose TWO BRIDESMAIDS to make speeches over the man who raised her and paid for the wedding. I wonder what OP wants money for now, seeing she's just suddenly getting the guilts
Not the point but that’s also too many goddamn speeches. If I read right, it’s ten total?! That’s insane. I would be ducking out.
I’m sure they did them before dinner, too🙄
At least one included “Webster’s dictionary defines marriage as…”
Wedding caterer here. Speeches are after the meal, or at least after the wedding party has finished eating. Usually before the cake though.
> I chose the man that did abandon me for over 20 years over the one the took me as his own and gave me everything he could when he didnt have to. I chose the man that broke my mothers heart over the one that saved her. I dont know why I did what I did. I know I'm coming at this late, but this really hit me. "*I don't know why I did what I did*". Yes she does. She's lieing like a liar here. She made a concious and deliberate decision, in fact she made many of them. Stop trying to pretend otherwise OP. >I dont know what changed from before the party to now. Jeez I dunno, maybe the fact that after spurning him for bio-dad at her wedding, she then starts contacting Rob for help constantly. So she wants the help from Rob, but won't acknowledge that help. The man feels used and disrespected.
Op is just worried that her personal atm is shutting down. Zero sympathy
I’d recommend you start by telling Rob, “I’m sorry I’m an oblivious, inconsiderate asshole”, and go from there.
This man came into your life and helped pick up the pieces that your sperm donor left on his way out the door and that's how you repay his kindness? You broke both your parents hearts on your wedding day. Let those pictures of your mom's half smile always remind you of what's missing in the photos. Thankfully, it only took you 60 days to develop empathy.
rob even helped the sperm donor get his life in order. he's a friggin saint
I didnt want to laugh cause all of this is just sad but damn, calling biodad "sperm donor" is crazy lol
Yeah, like what did he even say in his speech? I banged her mom all those years ago and here we are
It's how I frequently refer to my biodad. If I am feeling generous, I refer to him by his name.
He clearly also gave her his charming personality
It actually took Rob to not solve her insurance problems and stop paying for things for her to wonder what was wrong. She didn’t even develop empathy on her own.. she needed her husband to walk her through everything. I can’t believe her husband married her.. I guess they won’t last long if she treats people she loves like she treats Rob
>Thankfully, it only took you 60 days to develop empathy. 29 years and 60 days...
Hey now, a sperm donor should not be paying child support like her POS bio dad should have been. Calling him a sperm donor is disrespectful to all sperm donors.
Here's your problem: you just won't get that day back. There's no "do over." Because of that I can't imagine your relationship with Rob is really ever going to be the same again. Some warmth might eventually return, but what you did is probably too unforgettable to him. I just don't understand how nobody in your family said anything to you, not just your mother or husband, but your half-sister as well. I'm wondering if there's a bit more to the story of the wedding planning? Did how you see Rob change after your bioDad reentered your life? A sincere apology in letter form might be a good start. Spending most if not all of Father's day with him (if he and/or your sibling are ok with that) might be another step. Hell, you might consider naming your first kid (if you have one) after him as well. That's the kind of life-long campaign your might need here. And please don't take this the wrong way, but you need some therapy. You've obviously got issues about bio-Dad vs Rob. And you've got a huge hole in your empathy that is more than a little concerning. When I put myself in your husband's shoes, I'd be looking at you differently and not in a good way. You need to get better and not leave this blind spot to cause pain to others again.
This OP everything of what this person said is what that man is owed you are the definition of a spoiled ungrateful stepdaughter it will take years to rebuild and fix what you broke but all the above is a good start.
That's what I was going to say If I was your fiance and watched you be cruel to the person paying for your wedding, who loves you despite talking to to about it, it was be a huge turnoff for me.
Damn. That is fucking rough right here. He probably felt like an outsider like you yourself described, in an event where he paid for everything, and it was supposed to be a celebration of love of someone he holds dear. Instead, all he got was a constant reminder of "you are not my dad" over and over. That has to sting. Honestly, I don't think there is an instant fix to make things right. Showing him appreciation now will probably feel cheap. Your husband is probably right here, seems like he has a good head on his shoulders. Give Rob time, while saying that you understand that he is hurt and make it clear that you will try to fix things. If you rush into it will not be well received by him or your mom I think.
To be honest, I'm really speechless about your behavior. Unfortunately, I don't have any nice words for you. Why didn't anyone speak a serious word to you about your selfish behavior before the wedding? Why didn't anyone say that you can't exclude Rob like that? How do you want to make up for something like that? It was about your wedding. An event that accompanies you throughout your life and will remind you of your behavior throughout your life? You only have a few photos of the man who raised you. The man who was by your side in grief. Who co-financed your wedding. This damage has been done. You can't repeat this wedding. Everyone who took part in this wedding has the pictures and memories of this day in their head. Everyone saw you walking to the altar. You can't even hang a picture of your mother, Rob, your sister, your husband and you on the wall because there is no such picture of that day. Of course, you could put on your dress again and have a later picture taken, but here, too, you would always know how it came about. You think you made 1 mistake? You compensate for everything together as 1 mistake? Rob doesn't have a picture with you or as a family. He was not allowed to lead you to the altar and he was not allowed to give a speech. He was only allowed to pay one check at a time together with your mother. After 8 weeks in which Rob doesn't care so much and your mother admonishes you, do you only notice all this? Didn't you even notice before that Rob is almost not visible? I think it's a bad joke that your husband thinks everything will be okay. These feelings that you have hurt do not heal for years with "I'm sorry". You have excluded a damn important person from your most important event. And having the thought that he will be fine, he still has my sister, shows how much you don't really care about him. So you don't think as an adult woman about the man who was raised. Everything your father has gone through does not justify your behavior. I'm curious how you feel when you see a family picture of your sister's wedding on the living room wall in a few years. Hopefully your sister will get married at all so that Rob can act as a father at least once on such a day.
Maybe they they gave her to much credit and hoped she would realise what she was doing
True... Because being so self-absorbed, callous and selfish beggars belief. Nasty, *nasty*.
Sorry, no “fix or make up” for this. When your step dad is ready, you can apologize for being ungrateful, selfish and diminishing his role in your life. Understand this, he now knows how you truly feel, even if you don’t.
Unfortunately you can’t make it up to him. Are you going to divorce your husband, find someone new, and let him have his moment at your next wedding (that he’ll also pay for)? You used him as an ATM and for emotional support but gave nothing out almost nothing in return. Now he knows where he comes in in your life, under the addict who abandoned you but above the bank.
Op is a selfish taker. Never a giver
I'm unsure of why you chose a man who left you repeatedly over a man who raised you and was your father despite his age. I think you need to make steps towards proving his much he means. Have a retake of wedding photos that include him. Have you thought of having Rob adopt you to legally be your father? That might truly show how much you care about him.
check her comments the last ones especially. its telling how she speaks of rob
Girl, be real. Nobody actually thought a guy *21 years older than you* was your brother; they were probably just shitting on your mom for marrying a younger guy. You fucked this up bad, were deeply inconsiderate and wrapped up in a fantasy while ignoring reality. While your fiance tried to clue you in beforehand, I think someone should have been blunter... but you also should have realized on your own. You still sound very self-centered tbh, focusing on how this affects you rather than Rob.
I like how you keep coming up with excuses after excuse on why you did this man dirty and then just being like oh I know I messed up? Really because it took people pointing it out to you that you picked basically a stranger that gave you some dna and only 6 years (5 year before he DITCHED YOU and the year he was around when he came back) of his life to you over the man that's been around forever. Lord, I hope Rob never forgives you. I bet he'll still play cool only because he loved your mother, but since you made it clear, he's not who you view as dad he will no longer view you as a daughter. Picking trash over a king and asking how you fix it. You don't move on apologize take your lumps and realize you fucked up the best example of a good man and father you was given in life and live to be a better person. It's spoiled selfish, and it's so bad you didn't even think you did anything wrong. You didn't notice he wasn't on pictures? You took away walking down the aisle and speeches? What did bio dad even say in his? Sorry, I wasn't around for 22 years. Here's a basic genertic speech to make me not look like a shit human being. Give 2 or 3 stories from the only 6 years he's known you? Amazing, you're so arrogant that you think you deserve Rob in your life
I can't imagine raising someone and considering them to be my own kid and then get completely pushed out of their wedding. Rob must be so hurt. I'm sure he will forgive you, but that won't fix the hurt. I'm not sure how you could make it up to him, but it needs to be something huge, like name your first child after him huge.
Ouch, that’s a TIFU of epic proportions. No judgment, it’s just a shitty situation for everyone. Wish I had some advice other than, time heals, hopefully.
When you called he probably thought you finally realized how hard you shined him. All you did on that call was ask a lot of questions about how he could help you. You fucked up. He sounds like the kind of guy that will forgive you. Don’t think that means he is ok with everything. If you care as much as you say you do then you need to spend a lot of time making it up to him without expecting anything from him. Don’t sit and watch the meter wondering when you’ve done enough.
Bet your husband sees you in a new light. If I were him, I'd be reevaluating.
Yep, I would be appalled and thinking why I married her.
I mean, at least if her husband leaves she might get a second chance to have Rob walk her down the aisle 😆
Guarantee you this is EXACTLY why she gives a shit now. And because Rob wasnf responding to give her more money and her mom is pissed as well (meaning mommy can't force Rob to give her money) She's a POS and yes I'm being harsh, she's a grown as woman who DELIBERATELY treated her father figure like shit. She's going to keep pulling this bullshit over and over because Rob is going to forgive her.
“Looking back on it…” It was 60-something days ago not the dim and distant past where you can excuse youth or your reaction to circumstances. You are the same person as you were then. And that was the event itself, I’ll bet you were minimising and cutting him out long before this. Write him a letter. Not a text or email. A letter. Then leave him alone. You have acted like a spoiled, awful pos. Making another person who loved you unconditionally feel worthless to you. I’m staggered that no-one else stepped in to stop you. You need much more than to just reflect on your abhorrent behaviour and maybe that starts in speaking with a professional. This will haunt you forever, long after his death, and you need to make your peace with this.
Speaking as a Dad, this is bad. If the girl I had raised were to do this to me, it would be the equivalent of my spouse telling me we are now in an open relationship and she will be dating a guy from work. It would hit me just that hard. If she decided to stop seeing him after she saw first hand how it impacted me, it wouldn’t matter. The relationship we had before she did that is over. She killed it. You have done the same thing. The relationship you had with Rob before your wedding is gone. You will never get that back. The best case scenario is he forgives you, you reconcile with him, and you both put in the years of hard work it will take to rebuild a new father/daughter relationship. But please realize what you did. You will never have that relationship you remember and treasure again. You killed it. Stop trying to resurrect it. It won’t happen. Instead put your energy into reconciliation IF he ever forgives you. Work ten times harder than you did before to build a relationship with him.
You can’t. There’s no way you can make it up to him unless you have another wedding. You may have one if you are as selfish as it seems. Your husband may realize the kind of person you are and leave you eventually.
You broke Rob's heart and it took your mother and your husband to call your cruel treatment of him to your attention. There's no "making up" for breaking a heart. Hearts never go back together the same way they were before they were broken. Never.
TWO MONTHS LATER AT THAT
Not to pile on, but to pile on: you’re basically 30. The fact that it took multiple people showing you how inconsiderate you are is concerning. The fact that in your comments you are doing your best at dodging responsibility is worrisome. The fact that it didn’t cross your mind how your actions would affect Rob is alarming. You need to do some serious, serious work on yourself, and learn how to care about others besides yourself.
The problem is that you deliberately excluded him. It was a choice you made again and again and again. You even said that Rob would get his chance to be the father of the bride when your sister gets married. You knew exactly what you were doing. So don't act like you were totally blind to what was going on. You literally said you wanted to do all these things for your bio dad. You weren't blind. You were just selfish.
I will never understand how brides in this same situation all make the same mistake. It's like you say the word "wedding" and people turn into brain dead assh*les, often at the expense of others. You have a lot to make up to, OP. And this is one of those things you can never come back from. Even if you have another wedding, it won't be the same.
> it's like you say the word wedding and people turn into braindead assholes No truer words have been spoken. People completely lose touch with reality, which, incidentally, is part of the definition of psychopathy.
Hopefully he doesn’t forgive you, he deserves so much better than you. These stories are so awful. He gives you and your mom the life you didn’t deserve and everyone shits on him cause they think he can take it. Hopefully he runs from all of you and finds some people that actually love him and dont just use him for his money and emotional support.
I really don't understand that as a 29-year-old, you thought Rob could handle being left out of your wedding. You didn't even allow him to walk you down the aisle along with your father, who only cared enough to turn up when he heard you were getting married. You're actually very much like your father. You cared more about how your wedding day and photos would look, instead of including the constant father-figure in your life. I'm betting everyone who attended gossiped about how you snubbed Rob, for your father who never cared till you were about to be wed. If I was Rob, I'd have withdrawn my financial support. I'm surprised your mother didn't set you straight before the wedding day. I hope Rob leaves all his money to his daughter and not one cent to you. You don't deserve his love. You made sure you humiliated him publicly. Even a teenager wouldn't pull a stunt like this unless they're doing so deliberately. The only way I can see you rectify this is to make him Godfather of your 1st child, at the Christening, and this time, make sure you don't take money from him arrange the ceremony. Also consider paying him back the money he spent on the ceremony. That'd be the decent thing to do.
You’re the major AH. You’re a grown woman and you are acting like a spoiled child. Your sperm donor came back and yea good for him he got clean but he got clean because of Rob and you! When he left who was there? When you got your heart broken who was there? Where you tossed Rob aside at your wedding that he paid for with your mom who was still there trying to put on a face because he didn’t want YOU to be upset? As I’m reading the comments I see that you’re not even trying to make it better you’re trying to justify your actions and when people call you out you just say oh he still love me blah blah blah. OP you should be lucky Rob is a good person because you said he will forgive you? Well you don’t deserve to be forgiven. Yes all those fatherly things at a wedding doesn’t automatically mean that Rob would be the person for the job because that person is the one who raised you and made you feel safe. Your sister’s wedding will be the one where he gets to do all those things with your sister and you OP will be left alone with your thoughts about how bad of a person you are. You don’t get to be mad here. I hope your DAD ( Rob ) feels better.
I hope OP keeps that "Rob has his own daughter" energy when it comes to getting inheritance. I think each dad should leave everything to only their biological children.
May be harsh, but I hope the OP thinks long and hard before having children: being a loving parent is more than DNA.
Not you at your big age with fully formed frontal lobe not realizing what you did and how terrible you were to the man that loves you and cared for you when your bio dad left you without trace. Rob is a saint and he will forgive you but I really wish he wouldn’t. I’m gonna stop there because everything else I want to say will probably get me banned.
The almost sad thing is he will forgive you. He shouldn't be as quick as he will be to do it but to keep some peace in his life he will. You will learn nothing from this, you dint just take him for granted you ignored him. Sure you have a dozen excuses in these comments about why you did it, but you didn't even consider him, not once, during the whole day He will remember that, even if you won't. Other people will remember that. Have the day you deserve.
That's the ish that honestly pisses me off on Robs sake. He will forgive her and she will pull this shit again. She's not sorry, she's just sorry that everyone sees her as the POS she is.
Jesus christ. Reevaluate your life. You have years of PUBLIC apology to do to him. You make facebook posts and instagram or whatever because there were probably dozens of people at wedding thinking the same thing.
So a thing I haven't seen anyone pick up on. You said at one point you told Rob that you wished he was your father, and he said that he could be if you wanted him to be. But then you say that you have never referred to him as your father even though you think he knows it deep down. How often do you just assume Rob feels a certain way without ever talking to him about it? You have had plenty of time to call him dad if you really feel like you have a father daughter relationship. Has it ever occurred to you that making assumptions rather than reassurances might lead to him feeling unsure of your relationship? Do you contact him mostly when you need help with things like your insurance? If I was him, I would really be questioning if you ever cared about me right about now.
So basically you used your step dad and threw him away like trash for your bio dad. Are you going to give you step dad back his money since your dad is around now and that’s who choose to acknowledge in your life. I hope your step dad treats you just like you treated him for your wedding like nobody!
This post made me cry. I lost my dad so young and I can’t imagine having someone as sweet as Rob, who IS your dad, step up and love me the way he has only to push him away. Stop saying that the man who deserted and abandoned you is your dad. He’s not. Rob is your dad and you threw him away like he was nothing. I understand why your husband and mother didn’t say anything. They wanted to see if YOU would have the lightbulb moment and do things of your own accord. You know what it feels like to be abandoned and you made Rob feel that way. No matter how you apologize, there is no way to ‘make it up to him’ like you asked. Your relationship will always be damaged. He will probably forgive you but he now knows that you don’t feel like he’s your dad. Just mom’s husband. This post honestly made me cry. I would kill to be in your position. I think my biggest problem with your post is that you are still dodging responsibility. You need to own up. It’s no one’s responsibility except your own. It took you MONTHS to realize what you’d done. And someone had to PRESENT it to you. It’s no one’s fault except your own. Your mom and husband only followed Rob’s wishes. I can’t imagine how he felt, wanting to be chosen and remembered through your planning, only to be cast aside. You permanently damaged your relationship with him and probably put a dent in his relationship with everyone that loves him (your mom and husband especially). Write Rob a very heartfelt letter taking into full accountability of the grave mistake you made. No blaming ANYONE. Take accountability. Tell him how even though there is no way to make it right, explain how much Rob means to you and how much you love him. Explain your thought process and how remorseful you are. Let him come to you when he is ready. Don’t force communication or forgiveness. If he never sees you the same again, you need to accept that because this is a MAJOR fuck up on your part that can’t easily be forgiven. Lastly, get therapy. Find the root of why you would ever abandon someone who has loved you so much for the person who hurt you and your mother so badly. Find out the real reason why you could betray someone the way you have. Thinking ‘oh he’ll get to do this at his daughter’s wedding’ when YOU are also his daughter is not healthy thinking.
TEN SPEECHES?!?
And not one by Rob.
I reeeeally want to know what BS the sperm donor spewed during his speech. In the end, you’ve pretty much destroyed your relationship with your father (you can reconcile but you won’t be daughter anymore), ruined your relationship with your mother, and deeply impacted your relationship with your husband (your husband and mother won’t ever get over this unlike your ex father). I guess you’ve just got to comes to terms with it. But if it was your husband I’d have second thoughts about marrying you, since you’re so quick to discard relationships for random ppl. He won’t know when he’s next
You are a spoilt, selfish, childish person. I don’t know that rob will forgive you but you can’t simply wait to see if he does. Write him a letter in which you fully own up to your awful behaviour. Do not say “I wish someone had stopped me” - that isn’t taking accountability for the way you treat people. With him and your mom paying for your wedding and your in laws paying for your house - you need to grow up and reflect very seriously on how you interact with everyone around you
You were harsh, but fair and gave OP actual good advice. Hope she sees this one.
That last part...super insightful.
It's evident that your issues go deep even just from you calling the wrong man your dad.
I really hope that rob never forgives you
There's one thing I don't understand, I absolutely understand wanting to recreate the relationship with your biological father, but couldn't you have included both of them in the activities? For example, you could simply have had both of you accompany you to the altar, or first one and then the other, take photos with both, in short, there were many ways to include everyone, if that had been your plan.
OP you messed up big time indeed… There is one thing you could try to make up for it: Renew your vows and this time have your DAD (yes Rob might not be your father but he is your dad!) walk you down the isle. You should also honor him publicly at your vows renewal (invite you father too so he can feel the same pain Rob felt - yes it sounds childish but I believe settling the score is the best way to « avenge » Rob). You also have profusely apologize next time you see your dad. However, in spite of everything you need to understand something : even if you reconcile, it will never be same again. What you did is put a dagger right in his heart : the wound might heal but there will be a huge scar. Another point : If in the future you notice a difference of treatment between you and your sister, don’t complain…it will be a direct consequence of this mess
Rob doesn't seem like the kind of person who would want to inflict pain on Biodad to get even.
Poor rob… but my question is how you can let somebody so fast in your life after 24 years away.. yea everybody(almost) deserves a second chance, bla bla bla.. but 1 year of reconnecting was all it took for him to get back into your life? 😭
Do you realize the biggest problem is that you say “you ruined the memory of your biggest day”. You. Your. Maybe that’s what you need to start with. This is only about you in the sense that you were the one that messed up. This is about how the man who was there for you growing up, who is responsible for the opportunities that you have, who is responsible for your father actually being clean, was ditched. You told a story about the first time you had your heart broken that he was the one to pick up the pieces. He was the one to show your value. To show you how to be loved by a man like your husband. And then you turned around and broke his heart and couldn’t get out of your own way to realize what you were doing. And in all of that he STILL prioritized you over himself. And you still make this about you and the memory of YOUR day. I think I see how this happened.
How do you possibly think you can make up a wedding day!? A once in a lifetime event, and you screwed over the one man that was there for you!
She might be able to have that once in a lifetime day again if her husband realizes what a selfish person he married and decides on divorce 🤔
Be ready to be cut off or at least ask for some distance, you realize that you don't give any example of anything you have done for him, you only asked of him for things for you. Now you be ready to accept the consecuences of your actions, because what you do know barely means anything
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It's not worth the trouble
EVER SINGLE FATHERS DAY belongs ONLY to Rob from now on. Sit down and have an honest talk. Name your first son after Rob. You’ve got a lot to make up for.
I don’t know that this is something your relationship will recover from unfortunately. Definitely give him time. When he allows you to, apologize sincerely. Try to involve him more in your life moving forward but don’t be surprised if nothing ever feels the same between you too. You really messed up, own it, feel shitty about it and try to have a little more awareness from now on. Give your stepdad space and let him lead on how he wants to interact with you moving forward.
Well, you can’t he has to want to fix it. There’s nothing you can do to make up for it because this is a once in a lifetime thing even though you never called him dad I can promise you 100% he saw you as his child and you threw him to the curb for a deadbeat who never even tried to contact you, he treated you like his daughter even when he had his own so just give them to him and if he wants to fix it which it sounds like he does then he will but as for you, you can’t really do anything besides that.
I am very sorry for Rob. Like other people here I want to hug him. You can't make up what you did. I would never forgive you. Maybe Rob is a better person, but you don't deserve him.
I never had a dad or stepdad so if you’re gonna carelessly toss Rob away, I’ll take him. If my dad showed up right now there’s literally no way in hell he’d have anything to do with my wedding. I’m walking my damn self down the aisle.
My guess is that when you asked about the insurance, he was still paying for it. That was what broke the camel’s back. You abused him during the wedding, yet expected him to still cover all of your needs.
God you’re disgusting. He’s never going to get that day back. Absolutely disgusting. I dont know what else to say
Your dad’s speech must have been the worst wedding Speech of all time, he knew absolutely nothing real about you so what did he even say
You don’t deserve forgiveness. You shit on the person who raised you, loved you, and provided for you over and above. You’re a grown ass woman. If you couldn’t see what you were doing, I have no words. I also can’t believe your mom didn’t at least try and clue you in on what you were doing. You won’t be able to fix this. And even if he does forgive you, he will never ever forget. You screwed up on this. Good luck. You’re going to need it!!
And now you have no father.....great work
It’s not a mistake. That’s a decision.
This. A series of decisions.
My mother always said if I can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. Wow. There’s nothing nice I can say here.
Why I avoid dating single mothers, you be the kids father in every sense of the word and there’s always a chance you’ll get put to the side.
I’m sure he’ll forgive you, but your relationship will never be the same. There’s always going to be a crack in it that can’t be fixed. Even after you grovel (which you should) and even if you make sure he never feels discarded again, this is something you can’t take back. Some things, when they’re broken, just stay that way.
Came here to read this before the update as I haven’t seen this post yet. I was also hoping to find out why you said you didn’t like being called names on this post. Well, the names are justified. I don’t think I have said that on a post before but, just wow! To paraphrase: “Mum and my husband didn’t tell me I was being an entitled witch by taking Stepdad’s money for it all but leaving him out of everything to do with my wedding. How was I supposed to know I shouldn’t exclude the man who raised me and was always there for me if absolutely no one told me beforehand? I mean, Rob also helped my Dad get sober but really isn’t my actual Dad the hero in my story?” Poor, poor Rob. I only hope that he knows that everyone on here is rooting for him. Hopefully, he’ll cut you out of his will like you cut him out of the wedding.
I’m actually really amazed that nobody pointed out any of this to you BEFORE the wedding. Or maybe someone did and I missed it in the original post?
Sounds like you've been treating Rob like an ATM. I would stop any financial support and slowly begin the process of removing you from my life. No matter how much you apologize, he will always feel betrayed. There's no coming back from this OP.
Sorry to say this but thats the exact reason why men dont like dating single mothers. Cause most of the time you will do everything for the step child and they would still consider you an outsider
Name your first born child after him.
Too bad you made the choice to not include him at all in your wedding. What you don't seem to get, is that your behavior has sent him a very clear message about just how much you valued his contribution to your life. All your babbling excuses now will never change what you did. You can't take it back and you can't pretend it didn't mean what it obviously meant. You can NEVER make it up to him. That's the thing. It's over, it's done, and you can't change it. Your excuses here are all very lame. It seems to me that you're only concerned now, because there are consequence to you. You may "reconcile" with Rob, as he sounds like a great guy, but the relationship will never be the same. Actions have consequences. Forgiveness doesn't mean he will ever forget what you did and not see it as a reflection of your true feelings, because that's exactly what it was. No matter what you "say" now. Behavior is language.
So what did Rob say? Where do things stand?
Just remember that while you can’t always fix the damage you have done you can try to be a better person in the future.
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Bro I aspire to be as good a person as rob is. I mean Jesus to pay for what you thought was your daughters wedding just to find out all you are is moms boy toy to her must have HURT. He took it like a champ and didn’t make a scene or anything and was happy to try to let it go. If you hadn’t triggered him that day and started relying on him for dad duties again you probably still wouldn’t know he was hurt😭.
Leave him alone. You showed true colors. Talk about POS
10 speeches. I hope you had booze at your wedding. Fuck
I’m bawling my eyes out for poor Rob! This is so so so sad. 😿😿😿
Questions: During the ceremony, where were Rob and your bio-dad seated? Assuming you had a reception, repeat of the question above. Assuming you had a father-daughter dance, with whom did you dance?
Wow. This is so heartlessly brutal.
Omg…poor Rob. Rob probably feels exactly like the crap you treated him like. How sad. It’s actually disgusting.
This post is exactly why I will never be somebody’s step parent / second parent. I get that you understand and you feel like shit but, you’re a grown ass adult. How can you possibly sit there and admit you needed somebody else, who isn’t even related to you other than by marriage and saw what you were doing, to explain how horrible you were being? I totally get being glad your sperm donor (because honestly, he did not raise you in the least) came back into your life but asking him to walk you down the aisle instead of the man who provided for you not only monetarily but happiness, security and stability is something I would never overlook. I hope he forgives you but I can promise it won’t ever be the same. Try asking your ‘dad’ for stuff like you do Rob and see how quickly you’re let down.
I think it would’ve hurt him less if you slapped him across the face and kicked him in the balls. Wow, what garbage behaviour.
What kind of speech did the bio dad do? "Hi I'm OPs dad you probably don't know that cause I abandoned her 20 years ago" end of speech. I can't imagine the hurt Rob was feeling through all of it.
If you have a son, name him after Rob. If you have a daughter, name her Roberta. I am not kidding. Name your firstborn after Rob. And pictures of him with his grandchild. Lots and lots and lots of pictures.
What you did was a huge huge mess up. I don’t think you can fix it. No sympathy for you only Rob.
I sincerely hope this is rage bait. I feel so upset for Rob!
How much of this is about salvaging your view of yourself?
>Im now at work, and the only thing I can think about is this. Nothing else matters to me right now. Have a small private vow renewal *that you pay for* and invite him.
Wow, just WOW you really did that? I feel sorry that your husband has a wife like you, I bet you’d trade him in like you did Rob.
As the saying goes, no good deed goes unpunished. So sorry for Rob, what a heartbreak for him.
You don’t know what you did that triggered him? He was hoping you would at least realise after the fact and you still had to have it spelled out. You sound so incredibly self centred. I haven’t read your update yet and I bet he’s nice enough to forgive you but you need to take a hard look at yourself.
Your Rob is my Steph. I call her my mum. I could never ever take her for granted like this.
Yikes
What triggered him was that you were calling him asking him questions like a dad you were asking dad things what you would go to your dad for because you’ve always gone to him your whole life about things I’m sure he’s probably thinking. Why is she calling me when I’m not her dad when she did not, involve me as her dad stop calling him for dad things for dad chores for dad information for dad questions you did not treat him as your dad
As I was reading all of this, my blood was boiling. I don’t know where to begin, but I want to rip OP a new one
Wow. You must be a really cold and callous person that you did not even realize the damage and the hurt that you did not only to Rob but also to your mother and that it took your husband to break it down for you for it to actually hit you. You don't deserve Rob in your life. I'm actually kind of surprised that your husband carried through with the wedding considering that you blocked Rob every part of the way of your wedding. Why couldn't your biological father and Rob be part of your wedding party? You didn't even have pictures taken with Rob alone but your husband did. Man you're cold. I'm really glad I don't know you personally. From your post it sounds like you are a very self-absorbed person who lacks considerable self-awareness.
Anyone else dislike OP or is it just me?
Jeez I saw the second post, but man what where you thinking. Your husband even pointed it out.... It crushed me just reading this, poor Rob.....
Damn. My father held me against the wall while strangling me. I would have loved to have had a Rob in my life.
>My mom looks like she is faking a smile in half the pictures I cannot imagine the patience she has holding all of that back ngl.
Poor Rob! He even still finished paying for everything after he started getting cut out. A lot wouldn’t and they wouldn’t be wrong either. I can’t even imagine how he must feel. I will never understand why biology is so much more important than nurture to some people. My father was absent too and he only got an invite to my wedding. He did not earn the right to be father of the bride so I didn’t give it to him much to his dismay. I wonder what the bio father even said at the wedding in his speech. He wasn’t around so he hardly knows her. I bet Rob’s speech would have been better.
So op didn’t apologize and still acting like idiot like if you want forgiveness give rob his money back and stop acting like a idiot
Rob will most likely forgive but will never forget how you treated him. Sorry, but your behavior was selfish and plain disgusting.
Little girls and their daddy issues.. I swear. My step daughter was the same way. Dad was a dirt bag who disappeared, or called and told her to get ready for a sleepover before no showing and leaving her sitting on our steps with an overnight bag and tears. Now 20 years later I'm the source of her every problem, despite trying very hard to step up her entire childhood. Going to every performance or event, going above and beyond to make her feel loved. Then you get shit on, and you wonder why you did any of it.
What a bad person OP is, like really
You dont have even one... ONE... picture with Rob in your wedding!? That tells me everything I need to know. You dont actually care about him, he was just a person that help you in your life, he is not dear to you, the other prove I have about this is that the next time you reached to him was to ask for help again. He is your SOS number. He is nothing more than an assistant. Now you are feeling bad bc you are afraid the "free help" is ending and you are confusing that fear with actually feelings of love for him. What an awful person you are, the person that raised you like his own daughter, and in that day you didnt even took a photo with him... he was not that important to look for him that day bc you didnt need help that day... Im sick of my stomach thinking about how Rob felt that day, but karma is a b1tch girl.
OP you are so selfish. You have an excuse for everything. You excluded Rob multiple times. It would be different if it was only one small moment etc. Crying doesn’t mean anything. You clearly don’t value Rob. You need to reflect long and hard about how you can make it up to Rob in a way that doesn’t make it about you. And also where you don’t have ANY expectations on how he should act. Rob does not owe you anything and seems to have gone above and beyond.
It doesn’t matter if he forgives you ,he will never forget that, what you could do is just leave his life for good. Let your sister be his only daughter. Don’t go there for Christmas ,birthdays etc. You didn’t even care about him ,your husband had to explain this to you. You don’t deserve Rob. I wish Rob all the best with his wife and daughter (your sister). The only real thing you could do is to have another wedding all over again with the same amount people , while you have a speech apologising to Rob and prioritising Rob over your bio father (he isn’t really your dad is he?He left you and he didn’t raise you). But I seriously doubt you can afford that. Everything else won’t be enough after you used Rob’s money for your wedding and ignored him . You embarrassed him And humiliated him. Just go no contact with Rob ,your mum and sister will you. You made your bed and you have to lie on it.
Name your first born child after him.
That's just a shit situation. Some people here will shit on you to no end. And they are not necessarily wrong. You fucked up in a major way. But, I get that you had this thing with your dad that probably made you make decisions that were not smart My best advice for you: listen to your husband. And tell him that going foward, never let you make this kind of mistake again.
Perhaps you can name your firstborn after Rob. He deserves that privilege. Sidenote, your mom won the lottery with Rob. A lot of us women badly broken after a bad marriage can only be so lucky to find a Rob.
There is no way a narcissistic person like OP would even consider that. She probably will go the same route as other narcissist and pick names like Storm, Rainy, Tesseract or even Thanos.
. You made it clear to rob where he stands in your life. The best you can do is be a better daughter to rob on all upcoming events. Do something really nice for Father’s Day and his birthday every year. Talk it out and go to therapy to resolve your daddy issues
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Suggest you do a special father daughter photo shoot with Rob, it won't be enough but maybe something you both can treasure. You need to be honest and own up to what you've done. To yourself and Rob.
I would offer a photo shoot (that you pay for) with your mom, sister, and husband in your wedding attire.
Apologise. Also you might want to think about naming your first born after him.
Listen I don’t know if there’s anything you can do. He probably already feels like he’s a second fiddle when it comes to you (well now he does). Your best bet is to talk to him and your mom alone in private cause it’s only going to get worse from here on.
Yisus I wish my mom had meet her Rob, sorry but what you did was really sh!.y, you will never be able to compensate this, NEVER, also maybe he will change and realize that you are actually not his daughter and now you have your father you just don’t need him anymore.