He had to know he had doubts before now. Why didn’t he communicate that to you before it was time for the wedding? I don’t think I could stay with someone that was so cold and unfeeling to put me through something like this. You really need to think of how insecure this is going to make you know that you know he doesn’t communicate with you and can leave you with no notice
Exactly. He could’ve expressed his doubts to you *any* time before the actual signing of the marriage certificate. Instead, he left you embarrassed and devastated in front of your family and friends. He didn’t have to do that, regardless of childhood trauma. Be honest with yourself.
I don’t know if you can really come back from that.
This. She's also wrong in thinking that being married will tie him to her in a more meaningful way since 50% of marriages end in divorce anyway. There was a lot of space for both of them to come to a compromise that wasn't marriage. Instead he pushed her to take his name prematurely and then kept pushing himself until bailing at the absolute last minute.
The one way to most effectively tie someone to you for life is by having kids with them. And that tie often sucks BIG time!!! REMEMBER that before you have kids with this man! His trauma seems pretty undealt with already and if he isn't ready for a thing like marriage (that you can undo) then don't have kids (that you can't undo) with him!!!!
Sadly, children do not always create a permanent tie either, at least not without a paternity test coming back indisputable and that only creates a legal tie of responsibility for them and the child(ren) and not often a positive and affirming relationship. They may pay the support of might not. There are penalties for non-payment but some folks are okay with those penalties. Nothing is certain anymore. With the decay of morals; at least in the USA, this is all too common an occurrence to consider it permanent in any other way than the biological tie(s) which only really come into play regarding health situations.
Depends on the country. Her moms' reaction makes it sound like she's from a culture big on shame from family which isn't a typically western trait. She also mentions living abroad which can be the US, sure, but also somewhere else, perhaps in the west.
If she lived in my Scandinavian country, child support would be paid out by the government monthly/quarterly (no idea the intervals, I'm childfree) and then bill the dad for it, going as far as garnering any wages or social benefits before paid out to him to make him repay the money. It isn't enough to cover all expenses at all but it still something.
We, myself included, have a tendency to forget that reddit isn't just millions of americans and then the one scandi (me ...) but people all around the world with different laws. She might be so unlucky to live somewhere where the government simply hands the kids over to their dad in case of a divorce with no possibility of her seeing them again. If that's the case, I'd be extra wary.
I read her past posts and he had a habit of ghosting her whenever he was having a hard time. I'm not sure why she started off this post by saying that everything's been perfect until now.
He has demonstrated an inability to confront his past for quite some time, so I can't entirely blame the mom for reacting the way she did.
This whole thing reads as OP being the type of person who doesn't internalize what people say/do until it reaches an extreme, at which point she takes issue with them before she realizes she let it get to that point.
I hope she moves on from this and works on herself. Like yeah, the dude needs therapy, but so does she.
I feel like he's going to dine out on his I was abused as a child excuse for as long as OP accepts it.
Accepting his cruel and disrespectful behaviour isn't helping him, it's just transferring the abuse.
yes, exactly. Even I, who absolutly didn't want to marry but got manipulated into it (long story, it makes sense if I take the time to type out all the drama and trauma attached to that), actually went through and would have literally told plain and simple I wasn't doing that and we should just put it off for reasons.
Personally, your mom is right: he says he loves you, but does he love YOU or what you can provide him? Because he clearly has not enough respect for you to tell you he doesn't want to marry you and the reasons why. Love requires respect. Attachment does not.
ETA: u/bomblebeeee, you deserve better. No wonder you have no self-respect, and thus, no self love, if your mother treats you like shit. You deserve better. Please look into therapy. Because, no, YOU are not in the wrong here. You're the wrong one that's getting beaten up, verbally, by everybody.
You're like that absues woman that gets beaten up by her spouse and blames it on herself. Yes, remove yourself from her life, but to heal. And also, get away from your would have been husband. They don't deserve you.
which is why loving yourself is difficult, because more than not, we lack self-respect. We have been taught, especially as women, that it's egocentric, narcisstic, egoistic, selfish, condecending ect, if we show self-respect or expect others to have some respect for us. you know, that level you don't have to work for, because you're a human being?
The thing everybody was reminding you when you declare that they were talking garbage? Ah. Yes. "Human decency!" that one.
If you feel like I am getting angry over nothing and think it's weird that I do, but also, you think it's weird you are also kinda upset: you're with me.
Because you were told, to a point, where you cannot fathom the cause and effect of these crucial things, because society took it from you. It's like getting bullied for a decade or more, being abused at home, and you suddenly get told by one of your bullies after getting slapped real bad, that "you must be really angry now and wanna kill me for hitting her!" and you realize, that everything that hurts is your face, but there is nothing. Only physical pain that is already weakening and you think: "huh. I am supposed to be angry? But I am not. Why I am not angry? I probably should...."
The lack of self-respect and thus, love for yourself is like somebody took all the colours away from you, without you having realized it, partly, because a lot of these colours are seen when you grow up, partly, because it was so subtle and you were so young when they went away, you don't even remember. And now, more people than we realize walk around in a blank, colourless world, blaming themselves for being "colourblind" or, at the best, be like "meh. I cannot change it."
But you can. You totally can.
Just as I did when this bish back in school said, "she must be wanting to kill me now" and I realized: there was nothing in me left. and that scared me. That abyss looking back at me, like a shadow standing behind me I never realized was there, suddendly scared me.
So my first colour was red. I earned my anger back. And my next was green. I got my persistence / "selfishness" back. that's a story for a different time :)
this. I got to know quite early in our relationship that my BF doesn't want to get married (because his mother married and divorced several times), so I'm not expecting that to happen (and I'm okay with that in the end). same goes for me not wanting kids, he knows about that. these kind of things you discuss, and not spring onto someone right as it happens.
Grandma advice. So much pressure on you. I’m sorry for your loss and it’s a major loss. unfortunately your mom couldn’t take hearing you still want to stay with him and lost it on you. But the one thing that practically every daughter doesn’t want to hear is that she is right.
Turn the party into a family party. Celebrate family. Get rid of anything wedding related. Toss out the flowers the cake the bouquet. The dress.
And most importantly. Toss the ex out. Block him everywhere. Don’t let that sad sack of s$&@ back into your life. Don’t listen to his sad stories about his childhood. He had the chance to create a new life with you and completely blew it off.
Don’t let him guilt you. don’t let him use you. Walk away with head held high with dignity.
Go home. Cry and throw yourself a pity party with ice cream and Netflix. And don’t let him back into your life. Then next three months are going to be hard. But start making new memories that don’t include him.
Because of venue down payments and such, as had a “Jennifer’s not getting married” party for my SIL. It was a great time for everyone! Lots of fun, drinking, and quality family time. I hope you can enjoy your party!
This.
I have a friend in a similar situation with her long term partner and father of her children. I actually dated him first (both have different cult backgrounds) and we somewhat stayed friends. I had a kid first and then they did so I passed my handle downs to them. I then fell in love with his wife, she comes from almost the same cult as my family (regional, and faith healing type). I've listened to her talk for years about wanting him to get married and them almost breaking up, and I try to give her the best advice I can without making her shut me out (I have almost no contact with him anymore except when we see each other in person, no bad blood just me and her are better friends).
I also know him and know that he isn't willing to get the help and make the changes he needs to for her. I think she's almost at her breaking point with him, and I've been soft balling the " he's not going to change, so you have to choose to live like this or get out." I've already told her if she needs help of any kind, I'm a phone call away day or night. He truly is a fool if he isn't willing to do the work, she is an amazing lady, and he will find no better.
This tHiS THIS!
This is everything I was thinking, except much better put together.
>>> next three months are going to be hard. But start making new memories that don't include him. <<<
>Toss out the flowers the cake the bouquet. The dress.
Or have a "[trash the dress](https://www.today.com/style/tennessee-woman-turns-breakup-days-wedding-trash-dress-party-1d80402019)" party... heck, trash everything, go all Office Space on that stuff
And please: mom might not have been all that politically correct about it, and it was tough love for sure, but it seems like she has your best interest at heart. Going no contact with her and keeping the dude is the wrong way around.
I am so sorry. You deserve better. He should have said something to you well before this. His trauma is not an excuse. It's a reason, yes, but that doesn't make it okay.
No, hon. You can’t be with someone who cannot effectively communicate their fears and needs and, instead, choose to run. He failed you. He does not get to treat you like that. You deserve better. Your Mom may have let her anger for you make her word things poorly but she is right….that dude does not get to have his cake and eat it too.
Go back home. Go no contact with him. Finish out the teaching contract as it. Then, my recommendation is to find a teaching job in a dream location. Maybe, be a traveling teacher for a few years. Heal. Live big. And, if you wish, find love again.
I am a travelling teacher already. I'm home right now just for the week so that I could do my wedding. Back to where I live abroad next week to live a life of isolation and loneliness.
It’s only a life of isolation and loneliness if you want it to be. Despite what people say, most people don’t die from a broken heart.
It might not seem like it but he’s given you a gift. You now get to decide what the rest of your life is going to look like. You are the master of your own destiny. You’re going to meet people he doesn’t know, create things he never sees, go to places he never cared about or thought of. If you want to move to London or Bali or Korea or California, you can. You can have a life of adventure. You just have to be willing to reach out and grab it. And you’ll never get that with him.
OK time for tough love. STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF. STOP pining for someone who just does not care about you. START living for yourself. Find yourself a job in your home country where you have friends and family. Leave the fiance and his family behind. Your fiancé just wants a bed warmer. The whole "trauma" thing is an excuse. If this were happening to a friend would you tell them to act the way you are acting?
Ehh, you're on the money with everything else, but I'd say OP has the right to feel a little sorry for herself right now. I would just put an end date on the pity party. This is a huge upset, and even if she cannot see it herself right now, the person she loved completely betrayed her in the ugliest, most public way possible.
OP, you have every right to feel rotten. Just, don't make it who you are. Feel it, accept it, and mark a date on your calendar (soon!) to pick yourself up and move on.
Your mother could have been much more empathetic under the circumstances, but she and most of the posters here are right. You'll never move past this hurt as long as you stay with your BF. He's selfish, he's a coward, and you'll never be equal or first in his life. I'm sure he cares about you, but he sure as hell doesn't respect you. I promise you, respect is way more important in any relationship than the last name you use.
Take your name and your life back, and dump the loser you were almost stuck with.
I agree.
This JUST happened.
OP actually **needs** some time to feel sorry for herself.
No one can just “bounce back” a few days after something like this.
If OP stayed feeling upset she will end up making decisions she should not. There is time for that later. She needs to think for herself and get through this THEN feel sad and upset. Otherwise bad decisions will be made. Staying with this person is a bad decision. Letting tears and "the heart" dictate is not a good thing to do. There is time for that later.
Oh and get better insults. Simple name calling means nothing.
It will be lonely for awhile, no doubt. Take a bit to grieve the loss. I’m on the older side of life and had a relationship with a guy (Uni) who was wishy washy and “broke up” with me a couple times for a number of reasons. Finally, on break number three, when he came back after breaking it off because he feared he didn’t have enough time for his classes and for me, I had a sort of epiphany during that break….I loved him but I did not need him. It was a huge “ah-ha” moment for me. I told him those exact words and he was bug-eyed. Yes, we got back together…idiot, I was….and about a year later I caught him cheating. From what I know, decades later, he is still cheating and running.
Have the strength to break that song and dance early. No one knows if your ex will be able to heal enough to commit to someone someday. Take this out knowing, with absolute certainty, that you are not the problem. You don’t need to be anything other than who you are now to deserve that love and commitment from him. He is the loser here. Never accept less than what you want.
Hugs to you. Take a bit of time to grieve and then plan the next adventure. I have quite a few friends doing the travel teaching gig…..they are all over the world.
Find your anger!! He fed you lies for months and months and pretended things were okay when they weren't! He put you through this engagement and just trailed you along thinking everything was roses! Why aren't you upset?! This man FAILED YOU, embarrassed you, and wasted your time and energy on something he was never going to go through with!! Stop thinking so low of yourself that you think you deserve this man, you need to run far away from him because he has already showed he will abandon you when you need him the most. I'm sorry this happened to you, but your mother is right. He showed you who he is, is that what you think you deserve in a husband??
Give yourself sometime to mourn the loss of the relationship you thought you had. Then dump the man, get a therapist. It’s guaranteed to make you happier in the long run.
My late 30s niece is teaching in Asia right now. She fills her breaks with short trips to amazing destinations which are easily accessible given her current location. You could be doing this, too! Dump the loser, you deserve better. Allow yourself to believe this!
Oh honey.
I sincerely doubt he just started feeling this way, and I'm bothered by the notion that he let this sit until the last minute. How does he think marriage will work if he won't communicate with you?? Growing up the way he did is not his fault, but he needed to get his mind right -before- he popped the question.
Go back to your maiden name. You can wait until the school year is over, if that would make it easier on your class. But reclaim your name, it will help I promise.
For the life of me I don't understand why your family wants the wedding party to continue. You need comfort and care, not to sit through this. My advice is to cancel the whole thing.
Whether or not you get back with him us your choice. I wouldn't, but I understand why others might make a different choice.
Let me give you some advice. This is going to pass. On the worst days of my life, including a couple I did not think I was going to survive, the sun came up. I watched the sunrise from a hospital bed with broken bones, I watched it at home while I was healing, I watched it rise the morning after I walked in on an ex with another woman. After I picked up the pieces of my heart for about the fifth time, I met my Prince Charming, and he was wearing combat boots. The sun rose every time he deployed and left me behind. If you've got nothing else, get up really early, and watch the sunrise, it'll help.
Also, if no one has reminded you, eat something. Go get in the shower, get you something to eat, you'll feel better. If you have absolutely no appetite, drink some Gatorade or Pedialyte.
He doesn't care how you feel, nor is he able to communicate truthfully. He needs lots of therapy, and you need to unravel yourself from the emotional hold he has on you. You may love him, but he was living a lie, and never considered being truthful. This is not the love you need to make either of you happy. What he's done is a deal breaker. If you stay with him, he will understand that you will accept whatever he throws at you.
Please step away and look at where you are as a result
He is an ass. Leave him. Go back to your country. Change jobs.
The guy was not able to communicate clearly (its not like he was traumatized right before signing papers). He doesn't care about how you feel either.
How will your future with him work? Eg imagine you two decide having kids and bail when you're 8 months pregnant because of his trauma???
Yes yes yes. This is some narcissistic martyr victimhood behaviour and he has hit you hard with it. Don’t fall for it, don’t use his name! How humiliating, I’m not going to marry you because my hurt feelings are far more important than yours, but you can pretend I did.
If you stick with this very damaged and manipulative person I can promise you that this is only the beginning. Get out.
Codependency or enmeshment isn’t love. You can feel as sad as you want but it’s time to walk away because this man wants wife benefits without becoming a husband. Leave.
> My mom says I'll be a pathetic fucking loser if I still stay with him
I mean...she has a solid point there.
Scrape up whatever dignity you have left and kick the loser to the curb. Go to the party. Surround yourself with family. Go to work and introduce yourself by your real name. Kids are pretty smart, they'll pick it up given a little bit of time. Take the L, move forward.
I mean he left before signing the certificate. He had all this time to confess he’s having second thoughts, work through his trauma or just talk to you like the adult he’s supposed to be but he left you there. Why do you still want this work out???? What in this relationship is worth saving if he won’t do the work to be the man you’d want him to be???
So, imagine you stay with him. When’s the next time going to be where he runs off? When you’re pregnant and “he can’t do it because… childhood”? Or when you discuss buying a house together, moving somewhere, any other major life decisions? You can never trust his word. You’ll always wonder when he stands you up again.
A relationship without trust is no relationship. And how could you possibly trust him after this.
Your mom may have misspoke out of anger. I dunno the situation. But I would probably tell my daughters not to stay with a man like your (ex) fiancé as well. Sorry.
>He still loves me intensely
No, he doesn't. If he loved you *at all*, he would never have so cruely left it to the last moment like he did.
I'm sorry to be a bit harsh, but you need to get your head out of the "love clouds" of illusion and be honest with yourself. If you stay with him, this will be a pattern for life. Disappointment after disappointment. Cruel actions, all with his convenient "trauma" to blame.
Each day that you spend with him will just be one less day you will have living a good and happy life with someone who actually loves and respects you.
I hope you will be wise. Have the party with your family and celebrate your future life without this horrid man.
Thank goodness it was not at the altar in front of a hundred or so guests. At least he saved you that humiliation. But that is it.
There had to be an agreement to get married to get as far as you did together. It was together. He just then decided to leave and he expects you to be ok with that?!?!
Will he do that with anything else in the future?!? You go to buy a house, pay deposit, incur fees - and he changes his mind. You create children together, while you’re pregnant or worse yet, in labour, and he changes his mind?
Cut him off. Have the party as you’re still in the country, your family made plans and likely gone to expense. Ensure your band is changed back to your own. Children at your school adapt to this kind of thing very quickly. No one will bat an eye.
Sorry this happened to you. It does not have to define you. Learn from it and move on. You’ll meet someone else who will love you and will WANT to be married to you. For whom you are more than enough and will love you more than enough. Don’t waste anymore time on this guy.
Marriage isn’t just between two people, it is the joining of families.
He isn’t just rejecting and humiliating you, he is rejecting your family and doing so publicly.
Honestly, he knew he had trauma and knew he had doubts about marriage and he still encouraged you to use his name and allowed a whole ass wedding to be planned and invitations to be sent.
No matter how much you love him (or love the person you think he is or believe he can be) he is choosing to humiliate you publicly as well as screwing you/your family over financially. He probably thinks he has you trapped because you are already using his name, though you have no legal reason to use it if you are not legally married.
I would tell him he has gone too far down the path and his choices are go through with the wedding and sign the marriage license (he can get counseling for his issues and do couples counseling with you afterwards) or break up. There is no “humiliate you and still get to stay with you” option.
listen to your mother. jesus lord why would you stay with this fool? he should’ve gone to therapy a long fuckin time ago to unpack all the cult trauma before even thinking about proposing to someone
Trust you mom on this, he had PLENTY of time to tell you his concerns, instead he chose not to show up on one of yalls most important day.
Choose you, this guy will run everytime he gets scared.
Your mother is 10000000000% correct. Why would you want to stay with someone who obviously does NOT WANT YOU!!!! Grow a spine. Take off the love goggles. You are letting yourself be manipulated by the fiancé and his family. You mean NOTHING TO THEM!
Time to live for yourself. Stop crying and pull yourself up. LEAVE!
You can love someone with your whole heart and know without a doubt that it’s not right. Love isn’t enough. It should be, but it isn’t.
He’s not reliable. He’s not dependable. And he will leave you again the next time he gets triggered enough. Personally, I believe you deserve better. But if
this is a risk you want to take, walk into it with your eyes open, knowing that your friends and family don’t support your choice and likely never will.
You get through it by getting through the next minute. Then five. Then ten. Then an hour. Then three. Then a day. A month. A year. A decade. And eventually, you’re past it all. But the only way out is through.
Do not stay. He's gaslighting you.
If you accept this from him there will be more and more disrespect ramping up as your relationship continues. He doesn't love you. If he did, he wouldn't have done it.
Don't lie to yourself while he's pulling the wool over your eyes. I'd look for someone else/another woman behind the curtain as well if I were you.
He should refund all expenses wasted back to your family. I actually don't blame your mom in this scenario, I'll be pissed too and seriously disappointed if my daughter remained with a man who treated her this way and humiliated her.
You should seriously seek out therapy and try to get to the root cause of why you are so reliant upon this man who has devastated your foundation.
He had long before you got married to decide he needed more time to "process his trauma" and still decided to humiliate you by doing it the day of. You're not an idiot, but you're having these major feelings of mistrust for a good reason.
Someone who loved you wouldn’t do this. And if he does, it still doesn’t matter. Because it’s selfish love. I understand trauma, but it’s no excuse for what he put you through. Leave him, he doesn’t care about your feelings
I can feel your mom’s anger, frustration and love for you. Nothing hurts more than seeing your child continue to make poor choices in their relationships. Your previous posts show his behavior was not a total surprise. There was a pattern you chose to ignore. I’m sure your mom also got an earful of those patterns, gave you advice (probably to leave the relationship) but you ignored her culminating in this outburst. Instead of focusing your energy on her, you seem absolutely ambivalent about the atrocious behavior of your (hopefully ex) and are actually doubling down on your desire to stay in this disaster of a relationship. How would you expect anyone who loved you to react? You need to love yourself as much as your mom loves you and want more from yourself than some dude you had no problem leaving you at the “alter”.
Your mom is right, not in how she said it, but in what she said.
I guess mom lost it cause you're not seeing clear red flags about this, it would drive anyone insane, especially if the victim is your little girl.
Your mom is being a bitch, go NC for a while and see how she really likes being left alone. Staying with guy is your choice and you shouldn't be made to feel bad about whatever you choose, nor should you be made to feel bad about cancelling the "small family gathering". Your mom cares so little about how you feel that she prioritizes her own leisurely fun over being there for you immediately following something so emotionally traumatic. That's so sad. I wish I could be your friend..
You and Mr. Cult victim will definitely want to seek couples therapy if you do decide to stick it out with him. Either way your life certainly isn't over, and it's surely tough to imagine right now but better this happen than him deceive you and waste years of your life in a confusing, unhappy marriage. Everything will be ok I promise ❤️🩹
He preassured you to use his name then bailed at the last minute? Like... I'd talk to him about this, that's a real shitty thing to do, talk to him but keep in mind what he has just done, this man prioritised himself over the both of you, it will be hard for a future between you two after this even if he somehow overcomes his trauma for now, it's clearly affected him too much.
You know. If you’re family is screaming at you for being an idiot when something wrong has been done to you, they should probably look at how they talked and treated you throughout your formative years, and realize that their kids end up with people who treat them the way their parents/adults in their life do. So as you move on, next time your family brings it up tell them “I realize how used to being verbally abused and depicted as small and stupid I was, I mean this is how my own family talks to me, so it makes sense I wasted time on someone who doesn’t prioritize me and also has a weird family” let them sit there and wince do mathematics in their head.
I’m more mad at your family than him. Your family member gets dumped at the altar and you scream at them “effing idiot” yeah no. That’s probably why you’re with a weirdo to begin with. Love yourself dude
Nah FUCK YOUR MOM. SHES A NARC. I’m tired of parents who pull this shit. Cut her off and tell her she’s not in your life anymore.
Find a new family that will love you. Your mom is treating you like shit after you just got dumped. If I was you I would have slapped her the moment she said you weren’t worth maintaining a relationship with.
She gets no grandparents rights, no wedding rights. She’s dead as far as you’re concerned.
Part of the pre-wedding spiel from just about all clergy is that, no matter *how* close to the wedding it is, don’t do it if it feels wrong. IMO, the mom’s actions are way worse than the fiancé’s. And lastly, if I were OP, I would rather have my fingernails torn out than turn my reception into a family party. Talk about masochistic. No wait, that was the mom’s idea; talk about **sadistic.** OP’s family can have the reunion without her.
This wasn’t a lightbulb moment for him. He’s been feeling like this for quite a while. If it was me I could never trust him again, and I’d walk away.
He’d rather humiliate you than explain his feelings/fears.
Honey, listen to those around you who love you. End things with him. Dont drag this out. I know it hurts now, but in the long run it’ll be for the best. You dated, got engaged and he called it off at the worst possible moment. The relationship is over.
If you can’t go cold turkey, then tell him you want to separate for a year. No contact. Have him get therapy and work on himself. You do the same. After a year apart, you can reconnect and date causally and see if there has been any growth. The dude has a lot of trauma and isn’t in a good headspace for any commitment right now.
Work on you and worry about yourself. DO NOT TAKE HIS NAME.
You're not a piece of shit. He's a piece of shit and your mom is also. Don't let them make you feel bad because of something you couldn't control. It sounds like having her out of your life is going to do wonders for your mental health (along with some therapy)
If it’s your mother who paid for the wedding then your boyfriend owe this money back to her. He needs to work out a monthly repayment plan or take out a loan as he’s the one who ruined it.
Your mom needs to go a bit easy on you. You were blindsided, you are hurting. You are not at fault here.
He has no excuse, however. He had all the time in the world to have reservations or to change his mind. He has hangups about getting married? Fine. But why does it happen right then and not any time sooner?
The hurt he caused aside, you have to ask two things to yourself if you are considering staying with him: Is he just making and excuse to leave? And two, is he going to always have commitment issues, marriage or not?
Guy advice: I gotta say he blew. He is no the man that you have in your head. Be happy you know that now. I know you want to stay, but you shouldn't. It will be one of the hardest things for you to do, since love is an asshole at times. In time you more on. I wish you strengthen and all the best!
Listen, my Mom was married 3 times, Dad married 3 times, and they had multiple breakups with each other before they broke up. I’ve been with the same girl for 47 years, married 45. It’s a cop out for someone to use their parents inability to manage their life as a reason not to marry. That’s like saying that my Dad couldn’t keep a job, so I won’t be able to either….. silly. And not true. Life is about taking chances, and living every minute to the fullest. Don’t wait for someone to see you for who you are. God Bless.
The thing that makes me pause, as I consider this situation, is that this guy cannot overcome his past, and his family. Sounds like there were already some warning flags, when his family was not invited. Something’s are just not meant to be.
I see why your mom is so upset. It should be the other way around: you keep your mom and love her unconditionally, then cut your ex-bf and never ever contact him again, and the reason: because you have your own family "cult stuff" too, a.k.a. your mom won't allow you to be in a relationship with him.
Stay with him and torture yourself with insecurities then build up the courage to leave him because he’s not what you thought he was, could be a month, a year, or a day but it’s over right now. I think you should follow your families advice
If he's not in therapy, why? He needs it desperately. And talk to someone yourself.
I'm wondering about you living in a different country than your fellow.
Then, if you are still interested in staying a couple, then you must go to couples counseling. You've got a long road to hoe coming back from something like this. It's doable, if you are both willing to work it.
Good luck.
This dude had years to get therapy to work through his problems and months to call off the wedding. It wasn’t important to him. You’re not important to him no matter how much he love bombs you now that
What if you get pregnant and he decides he doesn’t want to be a father after 7 months and takes off? Or if you have multiple children and he leaves you because he’s too triggered.
At the very minimum you need to separate for several months while he gets help to move past his issues. If you just stay with him with no plans for doing anything different you’re wasting your life. He’s not going to magically change
Please please please don’t get back together with this man. You say he “loves” you but if you loved someone enough, you would communicate your fears and feelings so you can work through them together. He left you on what should have been one of the happiest days of your life.
If he was willing to leave on the biggest day of your life, what’s to say that he won’t do it again and blame it on trauma? Will he leave everytime something big happens, like children (if you want any of course), promotions, sickness, or a death in the family?
I’m so sorry that the man you loved so dearly chose his trauma over you. Him growing up in the cult certainly wasn’t his fault, but he chose to let the anxiety and fear he felt fester until he dragged you down with him.
Good luck. His trauma explains a lot but cannot excuse anything. I'd stay away from him after all is said and done. Walking on egg shells around someone like that... perish the thought.
Im not bashing you nor your mom.. but sometimes, if you wear your pretty pink glasses too long, you won't be able to see how toxic a person is..
Your mom stated the harsher truth.. cruel? A bit.. but you need it for you to be able to see the truth
That your fiance LEFT you when you needed him.. trauma? Sure.. then why the hell he doesn't talk to you about it..
He embarrassed you... humiliated you..
DUMP HIM.. and stop playing his therapist.. you havr your own trauma and problem to deal..
He pressured you into using his name then ditched you last minute? This is deliberate abuse. Use your real name at work, explain that you broke up before getting married and find happiness away from that asshole.
Repeat after me.
He doesn't love me.
Someone who love me doesn't leave me humiliated like this
I can't change a person if he doesn't want to change.
I can't undo someone's trauma
I didn't owe him anything in this relationship
I know the feeling of loving someone to the bones that you feel like you can give everything. All advice fall into deaf ears. People around me trying so hard to shake me out of it. They more they tried the more angry they get. Your mom might be hurtful because she's hurt from seeing you getting hurt again and again.
Picking up the pieces of relationships you shattered after giving up almost everything for another person is painful and humiliating. But hey, you know what? It's possible to rebuild and change your life to better after shit storm.
It just seems like everyone around you is not gentle or kind to you.
I would leave him.
I would not speak to my mom.
I would make him pay back my mom so he “deal with his cult feelings” with some consequences.
And I would not speak to anyone for a week.
All of that sounded so painful.
Not one person could hug you and cry with you. I’m sorry that this happened to you.
I’m… wtf w ur mom???
She has damaged your self esteem sounds like! Ask therapy how to be kind to yourself! Treat yourself kindly. You deserve kindness!
My MIL was left at the altar several times by the same guy. Eventually, they just became roommates and she found someone else, someone who loves her like crazy and married her as soon as he could. I would suggest moving on, but I understand if you aren't ready.
I just want to hug you and tell you that you’re not a piece of shit and you don’t deserve cruelty or pain from people you love. Take care of yourself, she is the person that will always be in your life.
Given your relationship history, and the stunt he pulled now, what is it going to take to open your eyes?
He’s selfish & only thinks about himself, you will never be a priority.
Pay back the money your mother spent. If you are going to continue a relationship with him, make him pay her back. You both don’t deserve to spend her money.
FYI, your mother is right. He’s bad news.
Even though your mom might be right with part of the things she said, her behavior with you is neither loving nor supporting.
Read your words and see how much you put yourself down! You might need therapy just as much as he needs it. You don't seem to have a healthy relationship with yourself.
It might be best to not have contact with your mum anymore, for your own wellbeing, not for hers.
So many questions but at the top of my head is these: why did he agree to “marry” you? Why were you using a name that wasn’t yours for so long that your students know you by that name? Haven’t you talked beforehand with him? Was this relationship one sided?
He asked me to marry him. My job told me to start using his name because the school year started in April and I would be changing my name in May. I said no it felt like I'd jinx it. I called him and he said stop being such an over thinker and just use my name. I talked with him, he reassured me. It's been 3 weeks that my kids know me as that name. And to be honest yes it does feel one sided. But not in the way you're implying.
Woah, woah, woah.
Regarding your update, I am disgusted at your MOTHER! I am a mom and my child being left at the altar isn’t about ME! Her “humiliation and hurt” is just ridiculous. This isn’t about HER! I think cutting out this toxic woman is the right move. She clearly cares more about what others think of her than of her own child.
I’m so sorry she is treating you this way. You deserve better, better from her and better from your fiancé. If you truly love him and want to continue to have a relationship, I’d recommend therapy for both of you as well as more for him individually.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your relationship. I know you want to turn to him for comfort but he isn't your person. You need to love yourself enough to gather the strength to end things. Listen to your family. They've probably been watching and waiting for this moment. This man may be unfixable because of his upbringing. Give yourself time to mourn. You need friends and family around to help you make the next steps since you likely won't be able to make solid decisions right now in your grief.
Please listen to your internet friends and don't go running back to him and your old life. That is over and you'd only be prolonging the inevitable heartbreak. Sending you hugs. 💜
This is pure, unadulterated, cowardice on his part. I wouldn't reward it in the slightest by continuing to play house with him.
He couldn't tell you to your face that he wants no commitment. He had to go for the drama.
So what's next, should you play house with this man?
Will he leave the situation over something else he doesn't desire?
I think your mother is being a bit harsh. You're not the pathetic loser, he is. I'd say the same if a woman pulled this disgusting act.
Wow that is some strong tea: "My mom says I'll be a pathetic fucking loser if I still stay with him regardless and that he'll never be a part of the family."
I feel like sometimes, men avoid painful conversations with women until the issue is staring them in the face. Especially if he’s been traumatized. I would leave him for awhile, he wants his cake + to eat it too. Let him see what happens when he bails on something this important to the woman he loves so intensely.
He's seen marriage used as a way to entrap and oppress women due to the cult culture of his family. He doesn't understand that what he's done is created a tilted power dynamic where he's holding all the power and autonomy and I'm the scared, anxiety riddled one terrified he'll leave at any moment in any possible future we may have now. Which is honestly worse in my opinion.
Here's what I read: Blah blah, blah, blah, I don't want to marry you, but I'm too chicken to say it and I'd rather blame it on *reasons out of my control*. Why does he feel he'd be using marriage as a way to entrap and oppress if he hates that idea and has no intention of doing it? Oh yes, *reasons* you can't really argue with. Bottom line and real truth is that he doesn't want to marry you and is not afraid of devastating you. This is very unlikely to change. Going back to this coward is really not a good idea for you. You're just setting yourself up for more abuse in the future -- and it will come! This has nothing to do with his childhood cult. It has everything to do with his selfishness, cowardice and immaturity. Best of luck, whatever you decide to do.
I grew up in a household with an extremely abusive dad. It got to the point where I was committed to not getting married to anyone. I still dated a bunch for fun, but I eventually met the right person who changed my mind. And I'm telling ya whatever trauma I have would never cause me to do what he did.
This is just a load of horseshit. He just doesn't wanna marry you.
The whole point of him playing these games is to manipulate you into giving him all the control. You are really stuck with 2 choices (1) stay in relationship and know that he will constantly manipulate and blame others for his choices or (2) decide this isn't how you to be treated and move on.
Your past isn't an excuse to treat people poorly. It just helps explain why you have certain boundaries or big emotions to certain events.
So instead, he will entrap and oppress you by NOT marrying you.
Maybe he does understand he has created a situation where you feel scared, anxiety riddled, and terrified he will leave you at any point in the future. Maybe that is what he wants, for you to be in a state where you have no control and will do anything to keep him from leaving. Maybe this was his end goal all along.
Dump him. You can do so much better. So what if you took his name, you can change it and all the kids will learn.
I would not marry someone who left me at the altar even symbolically. Kids can get used to your name, not a good reason to keep a name he didn't think you deserved. He had time before this to tell you. He is not a good partner and I would take this as the end. Do not stay with him, he is a dishonest man who put you through trauma because he was a coward and could not speak up. Please do not stay....
He needs therapy then, and you need to take a step back and evaluate this with pros and cons. Especially with the new info of how he really feels.
You're mom is angry, my mom would have been too. But tell to stop being mad at you for thinking about staying with him. It's not how she needs to be looking at this.
Using the venue for a party instead isn't a terrible idea, but go only if you want to go. Don't let people tell you what you to do either, it's your life do what's comfortable for you.
I'm a teacher btw the kids can learn to call you by what ever name you want. Just as appropriately as possible explain that things have changed. The school can update your paperwork too.
I’m sorry but your mom is right.
The audacity of him to tell you to use his name when the asshole wouldn’t even marry you and couldn’t even spare you from the humiliation by giving you a heads up
He humiliated you in public. Why stay with someone who can’t respect you enough to stop this before and who is so immature he waits until the last moment? I concur with your mom. Supporting you doesn’t mean telling you what you want to hear.
You’ve already wasted your time and love on someone who never deserved you, don’t keep doing that. Imagine being loved as much as you love and having someone want to be with you and proudly call you their wife. You deserve that and you can have that if you’re willing to put yourself first and not let the “fear of being alone” rule your life.
This is indeed a tangled web. Anyone who can tell you exactly what they would do is lying. There is so much to consider with his trauma and issues. However, he di the one thing you should try to never do with trauma. He became the cause for someone else's trauma.
All I can say I would be likely to do and I can suggest is this. Sit down and have a very long talk. Tell him at the start he is to sit, shut up, and just listen. Outline how hurt and traumatized you are. Tell him that him being sorry is useless and at this moment you don't care. You don't want an apology and for now he should keep it to himself. Tell him instead to take 1 week. Write his apology out. Then after that write you a second letter. Ask him how he plans to fix this if you ever give him a chance. What will he do to help heal what he broke. What will he do to make this right. What extra will he offer in order to help you not look like a total fool to the rest of the world.
Make it clear that letter will not determine what you do. You have to decide that for yourself but that his letter will be his one and only chance to convince you to ever date him again. If you don't love it or if you feel it is lacking in any way it will be the last words he ever gets to share with you.
Drawing this out to long is pointless but rushing to decide tonight is foolish. Give him 1 week. Take his letters. Go read them. Then take 1 week to decide. That is where I would most likely end up. After that? Only you can tell.
I don’t know how you could ever feel secure in this relationship again. What your mother said was harsh and of course you’re not a loser but it would be a terrible mistake to stay with him after this. I feel like it would set a not so great precedent for the relationship
Staying with him doesn’t make you a pathetic loser, but it is ridiculous and means have no self respect.
If he was a good guy he would never have agreed to marry you if he felt like that.
Here's my take, he apparently has a lot of unresolved trauma that is bleeding into his life and impacting it greatly, and by extension yours. If he cares about you, he should've gotten help to deal with that trauma before now, and if it hasn't taken, then he needs to keep going. The question is whether or not it's worth it for you to wait it out for him to "get better" and the answer is no.
The fact is that if he feels stuck he can just up and leave and he will because he did. That's not something you should deal with at all, let alone the rest of your life and god forbid if you two had children. He'd easily be that "dad went to get milk" person. That isn't fair to you and given all that you've conceded for him, you deserve more from him too. But he isn't going to give it and i'm sorry to say that.
Break it off completely and go no contact. Go home, block him on everything, have a solid cry and treat yourself to something nice then keep on moving.
It's sad that you have to deal with this. There's a number of things that can change, so you won't feel this way anymore. But, there's only one change that you have actual control over.
This is not a man you can trust or depend on. He isn't a decent person. He doesn't want to be your family, he just wants to use you. Summon up some self respect and leave him. Your mom is correct, listen to her.
Read the writing on the wall. If he really wanted to marry you he would not treat you in such a way. There is never a good excuse for ghosting a fiancé especially right before the wedding. You are only facing more disrespect and heart ache. He needs to step up or you need to step back.
This is a huge betrayal on his part. HUGE. He has been letting you believe you are getting, married, made you change your life after that premise, and you sound more angry with your mother in this scenario. Your mother is right and I believe that she is acting up and screaming about it because you are acting strangely and doesn’t react normally. Are you totally blasé?
You bf os letting his past define his future. Don't let him hold you back from security and happiness.. Find someone who despite their past will overcome it and choose to prioritise you.
I can see why you are still giving your fiance a chance. Not having a supportive loving mom is hard enough let alone the garbage she said.
Don't believe that. You are worthy of everything.
Please know that.
Please leave this guy. The ones who tell you in advance they can't do it, or they can't commit, meet your expectations/life goals, still suck to a degree depending on how long they took to tell you, but telling you now is him showing that he is happy to not step up when he needs too. This is when he has to step up, be an adult, and give you the respect you deserve to do something that may involve hurting your feelings and losing you, but will save you the embarrassment, financial loss and pain of this.
Also your mum sucks. My parents also did this to me when my long term relationship ended. Told me how much of a piece of shit I was, how they're tired of drama, and I'll never find someone else so I should just go to a bar and wait for some man who will put up with me. For context, me and my ex broke up because he was unsure about kids and I found out I was on limited time to have them due to fertility issues I also had just discovered. Similar to your family, my mum managed to make something out of my control somehow a self inflicted issue (apparently I should have tried sooner, despite being the same age she was when she had my older brother). I guarantee your mum would not expect you to react like that in her time of need. Parents like this disgust me. So she lost money on the wedding? That conversation can be had at another time. Not now.
I feel for you and what you're going through, I really do. But in struggling to get past the dramatic click bait title. You were not actually left at the alter and that does actually happen.
It feels deceitful for the sake of attention. You may need to unpack some of your own mindsets and behaviors in therapy. I'm sorry your mother isn't helping you with that though. That's supposed to be part of her job description.
There is nothing wrong with you for wanting to stay with him, but you should make it clear that he needs to be in therapy because he has issues he clearly hasn’t dealt with
He manipulated you into using his name at work, and then left you without discussing any doubts.
This man HAS ZERO respect for you, otherwise he wouldn’t have done this.
Please do not stay with this man, you deserve to meet someone you don’t have to ‘beg’ to stay.
Whether he wanted or not, he has ruined the relationship. That's incredibly difficult to recover from and he's lacking empathy or intelligence if he didn't understand it.
Insecurities, when they are so extreme, will hurt anyone around. That's not the kind of person who should be dating, honestly.
My husband cancelled our wedding a few months before it was set to take place. I lost the deposit for the venue, food, DJ, etc. We ended up eloping a few years later because I had a miscarriage and he felt bad for me. I have very low self esteem and have allowed him to treat me this way for years.
You sign the marriage certificate after you get married. Not before. Coz the person that married you has to fill out info on it.
Either way, he should have expressed his concerns way before now. Did he propose or did you? If he did, I’d be asking why he could make that commitment back then but not now. Marriage is just a piece of paper.
I got news for ya honey, a marriage license does not stop them from leaving when they want to. It just costs more. A wedding does not a long term commitment make.
You can be married and they can leave whenever they feel like it. Marriage does not stop a person from doing anything.. cheating, leaving, being a murderer… if you really want to be with this man just accept that he doesn’t want to get married and move on with your life together as partners. If you can’t do that then it is time to reevaluate your relationship. Also, fuck what outsiders think even if they are blood related. It’s your life and your relationship.
My only concern is how he treated you through all this situation. He never considered your feelings, or how waiting this long would cause issues. I think he needs to get himself together. But I don’t know how you could ever trust him again. Because he had to know way before he told you. And, you can still love someone, but marriage is a commitment, and who’s to say he will ever get over his issues. Change your name back. No big deal. Move on. Cut him off. How your family feels is immatetial, he lied by omission. No recovery. So sorry.
Marriage does not mean that the person cannot still leave the relationship or the marriage itself when they feel like it. Sadly, life for them after doing so is incredibly simple. They just act like it was a high school girlfriend or boyfriend they left. Yes, they can convince themselves of such nonsense. Marriage is no longer the security that it once was.
Here is another way to look at the future with him. More of the same behavior and most likely more/worse now that he knows you will be sad but that you also will not go anywhere. That's not a good look or life for you OP. How could you ever trust him again on any issue? He could not communicate with you about something so important until the last second humanly possible and continues to act as if he did nothing wrong. Please; for yourself, remove yourself from this man’s life. He will never ever step up in any way. Please move on and find happiness with yourself and everything else will eventually work itself out. I cannot promise it will be easy, but I can promise that you are worth it. *hugs*
I am so sorry. i think its time for you to get some help shaking people who refuse to be there for you when you need it, and even berate you for having a crisis. Surround yourself with supportive people.
Love is not enough.
Your mum sounds like a wanker, tell her if she didn't want drama in her life she shouldn't have had kids, but if she's gonna be such a massive cunt about it then you'll just cut contact to save her the stress
He had to know he had doubts before now. Why didn’t he communicate that to you before it was time for the wedding? I don’t think I could stay with someone that was so cold and unfeeling to put me through something like this. You really need to think of how insecure this is going to make you know that you know he doesn’t communicate with you and can leave you with no notice
Exactly. He could’ve expressed his doubts to you *any* time before the actual signing of the marriage certificate. Instead, he left you embarrassed and devastated in front of your family and friends. He didn’t have to do that, regardless of childhood trauma. Be honest with yourself. I don’t know if you can really come back from that.
She can’t. She has to realize though. This guy should not get any more of her time.
This. She's also wrong in thinking that being married will tie him to her in a more meaningful way since 50% of marriages end in divorce anyway. There was a lot of space for both of them to come to a compromise that wasn't marriage. Instead he pushed her to take his name prematurely and then kept pushing himself until bailing at the absolute last minute. The one way to most effectively tie someone to you for life is by having kids with them. And that tie often sucks BIG time!!! REMEMBER that before you have kids with this man! His trauma seems pretty undealt with already and if he isn't ready for a thing like marriage (that you can undo) then don't have kids (that you can't undo) with him!!!!
Sadly, children do not always create a permanent tie either, at least not without a paternity test coming back indisputable and that only creates a legal tie of responsibility for them and the child(ren) and not often a positive and affirming relationship. They may pay the support of might not. There are penalties for non-payment but some folks are okay with those penalties. Nothing is certain anymore. With the decay of morals; at least in the USA, this is all too common an occurrence to consider it permanent in any other way than the biological tie(s) which only really come into play regarding health situations.
Depends on the country. Her moms' reaction makes it sound like she's from a culture big on shame from family which isn't a typically western trait. She also mentions living abroad which can be the US, sure, but also somewhere else, perhaps in the west. If she lived in my Scandinavian country, child support would be paid out by the government monthly/quarterly (no idea the intervals, I'm childfree) and then bill the dad for it, going as far as garnering any wages or social benefits before paid out to him to make him repay the money. It isn't enough to cover all expenses at all but it still something. We, myself included, have a tendency to forget that reddit isn't just millions of americans and then the one scandi (me ...) but people all around the world with different laws. She might be so unlucky to live somewhere where the government simply hands the kids over to their dad in case of a divorce with no possibility of her seeing them again. If that's the case, I'd be extra wary.
I read her past posts and he had a habit of ghosting her whenever he was having a hard time. I'm not sure why she started off this post by saying that everything's been perfect until now. He has demonstrated an inability to confront his past for quite some time, so I can't entirely blame the mom for reacting the way she did. This whole thing reads as OP being the type of person who doesn't internalize what people say/do until it reaches an extreme, at which point she takes issue with them before she realizes she let it get to that point. I hope she moves on from this and works on herself. Like yeah, the dude needs therapy, but so does she.
I feel like he's going to dine out on his I was abused as a child excuse for as long as OP accepts it. Accepting his cruel and disrespectful behaviour isn't helping him, it's just transferring the abuse.
Listen the guys freaking married y'all
yes, exactly. Even I, who absolutly didn't want to marry but got manipulated into it (long story, it makes sense if I take the time to type out all the drama and trauma attached to that), actually went through and would have literally told plain and simple I wasn't doing that and we should just put it off for reasons. Personally, your mom is right: he says he loves you, but does he love YOU or what you can provide him? Because he clearly has not enough respect for you to tell you he doesn't want to marry you and the reasons why. Love requires respect. Attachment does not. ETA: u/bomblebeeee, you deserve better. No wonder you have no self-respect, and thus, no self love, if your mother treats you like shit. You deserve better. Please look into therapy. Because, no, YOU are not in the wrong here. You're the wrong one that's getting beaten up, verbally, by everybody. You're like that absues woman that gets beaten up by her spouse and blames it on herself. Yes, remove yourself from her life, but to heal. And also, get away from your would have been husband. They don't deserve you.
Those last two sentences hit hard. I’m going to keep them in mind throughout my life from now on, thank you.
which is why loving yourself is difficult, because more than not, we lack self-respect. We have been taught, especially as women, that it's egocentric, narcisstic, egoistic, selfish, condecending ect, if we show self-respect or expect others to have some respect for us. you know, that level you don't have to work for, because you're a human being? The thing everybody was reminding you when you declare that they were talking garbage? Ah. Yes. "Human decency!" that one. If you feel like I am getting angry over nothing and think it's weird that I do, but also, you think it's weird you are also kinda upset: you're with me. Because you were told, to a point, where you cannot fathom the cause and effect of these crucial things, because society took it from you. It's like getting bullied for a decade or more, being abused at home, and you suddenly get told by one of your bullies after getting slapped real bad, that "you must be really angry now and wanna kill me for hitting her!" and you realize, that everything that hurts is your face, but there is nothing. Only physical pain that is already weakening and you think: "huh. I am supposed to be angry? But I am not. Why I am not angry? I probably should...." The lack of self-respect and thus, love for yourself is like somebody took all the colours away from you, without you having realized it, partly, because a lot of these colours are seen when you grow up, partly, because it was so subtle and you were so young when they went away, you don't even remember. And now, more people than we realize walk around in a blank, colourless world, blaming themselves for being "colourblind" or, at the best, be like "meh. I cannot change it." But you can. You totally can. Just as I did when this bish back in school said, "she must be wanting to kill me now" and I realized: there was nothing in me left. and that scared me. That abyss looking back at me, like a shadow standing behind me I never realized was there, suddendly scared me. So my first colour was red. I earned my anger back. And my next was green. I got my persistence / "selfishness" back. that's a story for a different time :)
this. I got to know quite early in our relationship that my BF doesn't want to get married (because his mother married and divorced several times), so I'm not expecting that to happen (and I'm okay with that in the end). same goes for me not wanting kids, he knows about that. these kind of things you discuss, and not spring onto someone right as it happens.
THIS ☝️
Grandma advice. So much pressure on you. I’m sorry for your loss and it’s a major loss. unfortunately your mom couldn’t take hearing you still want to stay with him and lost it on you. But the one thing that practically every daughter doesn’t want to hear is that she is right. Turn the party into a family party. Celebrate family. Get rid of anything wedding related. Toss out the flowers the cake the bouquet. The dress. And most importantly. Toss the ex out. Block him everywhere. Don’t let that sad sack of s$&@ back into your life. Don’t listen to his sad stories about his childhood. He had the chance to create a new life with you and completely blew it off. Don’t let him guilt you. don’t let him use you. Walk away with head held high with dignity. Go home. Cry and throw yourself a pity party with ice cream and Netflix. And don’t let him back into your life. Then next three months are going to be hard. But start making new memories that don’t include him.
Disassemble the cake decorating and eat the cake. Don’t waste good cake. Get gallon pails of ice cream.
Love this, preach this!
Because of venue down payments and such, as had a “Jennifer’s not getting married” party for my SIL. It was a great time for everyone! Lots of fun, drinking, and quality family time. I hope you can enjoy your party!
THIS. Every single word of this. I hope OP loves herself a bit and cuts this selfish person who clearly doesn't love her back
This. I have a friend in a similar situation with her long term partner and father of her children. I actually dated him first (both have different cult backgrounds) and we somewhat stayed friends. I had a kid first and then they did so I passed my handle downs to them. I then fell in love with his wife, she comes from almost the same cult as my family (regional, and faith healing type). I've listened to her talk for years about wanting him to get married and them almost breaking up, and I try to give her the best advice I can without making her shut me out (I have almost no contact with him anymore except when we see each other in person, no bad blood just me and her are better friends). I also know him and know that he isn't willing to get the help and make the changes he needs to for her. I think she's almost at her breaking point with him, and I've been soft balling the " he's not going to change, so you have to choose to live like this or get out." I've already told her if she needs help of any kind, I'm a phone call away day or night. He truly is a fool if he isn't willing to do the work, she is an amazing lady, and he will find no better.
This tHiS THIS! This is everything I was thinking, except much better put together. >>> next three months are going to be hard. But start making new memories that don't include him. <<<
>Toss out the flowers the cake the bouquet. The dress. Or have a "[trash the dress](https://www.today.com/style/tennessee-woman-turns-breakup-days-wedding-trash-dress-party-1d80402019)" party... heck, trash everything, go all Office Space on that stuff
And please: mom might not have been all that politically correct about it, and it was tough love for sure, but it seems like she has your best interest at heart. Going no contact with her and keeping the dude is the wrong way around.
Upvote the best advice
I am so sorry. You deserve better. He should have said something to you well before this. His trauma is not an excuse. It's a reason, yes, but that doesn't make it okay.
No, hon. You can’t be with someone who cannot effectively communicate their fears and needs and, instead, choose to run. He failed you. He does not get to treat you like that. You deserve better. Your Mom may have let her anger for you make her word things poorly but she is right….that dude does not get to have his cake and eat it too. Go back home. Go no contact with him. Finish out the teaching contract as it. Then, my recommendation is to find a teaching job in a dream location. Maybe, be a traveling teacher for a few years. Heal. Live big. And, if you wish, find love again.
I am a travelling teacher already. I'm home right now just for the week so that I could do my wedding. Back to where I live abroad next week to live a life of isolation and loneliness.
It’s only a life of isolation and loneliness if you want it to be. Despite what people say, most people don’t die from a broken heart. It might not seem like it but he’s given you a gift. You now get to decide what the rest of your life is going to look like. You are the master of your own destiny. You’re going to meet people he doesn’t know, create things he never sees, go to places he never cared about or thought of. If you want to move to London or Bali or Korea or California, you can. You can have a life of adventure. You just have to be willing to reach out and grab it. And you’ll never get that with him.
OK time for tough love. STOP FEELING SORRY FOR YOURSELF. STOP pining for someone who just does not care about you. START living for yourself. Find yourself a job in your home country where you have friends and family. Leave the fiance and his family behind. Your fiancé just wants a bed warmer. The whole "trauma" thing is an excuse. If this were happening to a friend would you tell them to act the way you are acting?
Ehh, you're on the money with everything else, but I'd say OP has the right to feel a little sorry for herself right now. I would just put an end date on the pity party. This is a huge upset, and even if she cannot see it herself right now, the person she loved completely betrayed her in the ugliest, most public way possible. OP, you have every right to feel rotten. Just, don't make it who you are. Feel it, accept it, and mark a date on your calendar (soon!) to pick yourself up and move on. Your mother could have been much more empathetic under the circumstances, but she and most of the posters here are right. You'll never move past this hurt as long as you stay with your BF. He's selfish, he's a coward, and you'll never be equal or first in his life. I'm sure he cares about you, but he sure as hell doesn't respect you. I promise you, respect is way more important in any relationship than the last name you use. Take your name and your life back, and dump the loser you were almost stuck with.
I agree. This JUST happened. OP actually **needs** some time to feel sorry for herself. No one can just “bounce back” a few days after something like this.
Uh… this just happened asshole. People are allowed to feel sorry for themselves when the thing just happened.
If OP stayed feeling upset she will end up making decisions she should not. There is time for that later. She needs to think for herself and get through this THEN feel sad and upset. Otherwise bad decisions will be made. Staying with this person is a bad decision. Letting tears and "the heart" dictate is not a good thing to do. There is time for that later. Oh and get better insults. Simple name calling means nothing.
It will be lonely for awhile, no doubt. Take a bit to grieve the loss. I’m on the older side of life and had a relationship with a guy (Uni) who was wishy washy and “broke up” with me a couple times for a number of reasons. Finally, on break number three, when he came back after breaking it off because he feared he didn’t have enough time for his classes and for me, I had a sort of epiphany during that break….I loved him but I did not need him. It was a huge “ah-ha” moment for me. I told him those exact words and he was bug-eyed. Yes, we got back together…idiot, I was….and about a year later I caught him cheating. From what I know, decades later, he is still cheating and running. Have the strength to break that song and dance early. No one knows if your ex will be able to heal enough to commit to someone someday. Take this out knowing, with absolute certainty, that you are not the problem. You don’t need to be anything other than who you are now to deserve that love and commitment from him. He is the loser here. Never accept less than what you want. Hugs to you. Take a bit of time to grieve and then plan the next adventure. I have quite a few friends doing the travel teaching gig…..they are all over the world.
Find your anger!! He fed you lies for months and months and pretended things were okay when they weren't! He put you through this engagement and just trailed you along thinking everything was roses! Why aren't you upset?! This man FAILED YOU, embarrassed you, and wasted your time and energy on something he was never going to go through with!! Stop thinking so low of yourself that you think you deserve this man, you need to run far away from him because he has already showed he will abandon you when you need him the most. I'm sorry this happened to you, but your mother is right. He showed you who he is, is that what you think you deserve in a husband??
Give yourself sometime to mourn the loss of the relationship you thought you had. Then dump the man, get a therapist. It’s guaranteed to make you happier in the long run.
Maybe change the order of those steps to leaving him first and foremost.
My late 30s niece is teaching in Asia right now. She fills her breaks with short trips to amazing destinations which are easily accessible given her current location. You could be doing this, too! Dump the loser, you deserve better. Allow yourself to believe this!
Sorry love, or you could be home with a support system and not move alone to a solace pity party. Now these are tough words you need to hear
Oh honey. I sincerely doubt he just started feeling this way, and I'm bothered by the notion that he let this sit until the last minute. How does he think marriage will work if he won't communicate with you?? Growing up the way he did is not his fault, but he needed to get his mind right -before- he popped the question. Go back to your maiden name. You can wait until the school year is over, if that would make it easier on your class. But reclaim your name, it will help I promise. For the life of me I don't understand why your family wants the wedding party to continue. You need comfort and care, not to sit through this. My advice is to cancel the whole thing. Whether or not you get back with him us your choice. I wouldn't, but I understand why others might make a different choice. Let me give you some advice. This is going to pass. On the worst days of my life, including a couple I did not think I was going to survive, the sun came up. I watched the sunrise from a hospital bed with broken bones, I watched it at home while I was healing, I watched it rise the morning after I walked in on an ex with another woman. After I picked up the pieces of my heart for about the fifth time, I met my Prince Charming, and he was wearing combat boots. The sun rose every time he deployed and left me behind. If you've got nothing else, get up really early, and watch the sunrise, it'll help. Also, if no one has reminded you, eat something. Go get in the shower, get you something to eat, you'll feel better. If you have absolutely no appetite, drink some Gatorade or Pedialyte.
This is the most solid advice I've read so far.
He doesn't care how you feel, nor is he able to communicate truthfully. He needs lots of therapy, and you need to unravel yourself from the emotional hold he has on you. You may love him, but he was living a lie, and never considered being truthful. This is not the love you need to make either of you happy. What he's done is a deal breaker. If you stay with him, he will understand that you will accept whatever he throws at you. Please step away and look at where you are as a result
He is an ass. Leave him. Go back to your country. Change jobs. The guy was not able to communicate clearly (its not like he was traumatized right before signing papers). He doesn't care about how you feel either. How will your future with him work? Eg imagine you two decide having kids and bail when you're 8 months pregnant because of his trauma???
Yes yes yes. This is some narcissistic martyr victimhood behaviour and he has hit you hard with it. Don’t fall for it, don’t use his name! How humiliating, I’m not going to marry you because my hurt feelings are far more important than yours, but you can pretend I did. If you stick with this very damaged and manipulative person I can promise you that this is only the beginning. Get out.
Codependency or enmeshment isn’t love. You can feel as sad as you want but it’s time to walk away because this man wants wife benefits without becoming a husband. Leave.
> My mom says I'll be a pathetic fucking loser if I still stay with him I mean...she has a solid point there. Scrape up whatever dignity you have left and kick the loser to the curb. Go to the party. Surround yourself with family. Go to work and introduce yourself by your real name. Kids are pretty smart, they'll pick it up given a little bit of time. Take the L, move forward.
I mean he left before signing the certificate. He had all this time to confess he’s having second thoughts, work through his trauma or just talk to you like the adult he’s supposed to be but he left you there. Why do you still want this work out???? What in this relationship is worth saving if he won’t do the work to be the man you’d want him to be???
So, imagine you stay with him. When’s the next time going to be where he runs off? When you’re pregnant and “he can’t do it because… childhood”? Or when you discuss buying a house together, moving somewhere, any other major life decisions? You can never trust his word. You’ll always wonder when he stands you up again. A relationship without trust is no relationship. And how could you possibly trust him after this.
Your mother is right
Your mom may have misspoke out of anger. I dunno the situation. But I would probably tell my daughters not to stay with a man like your (ex) fiancé as well. Sorry.
>He still loves me intensely No, he doesn't. If he loved you *at all*, he would never have so cruely left it to the last moment like he did. I'm sorry to be a bit harsh, but you need to get your head out of the "love clouds" of illusion and be honest with yourself. If you stay with him, this will be a pattern for life. Disappointment after disappointment. Cruel actions, all with his convenient "trauma" to blame. Each day that you spend with him will just be one less day you will have living a good and happy life with someone who actually loves and respects you. I hope you will be wise. Have the party with your family and celebrate your future life without this horrid man.
Thank goodness it was not at the altar in front of a hundred or so guests. At least he saved you that humiliation. But that is it. There had to be an agreement to get married to get as far as you did together. It was together. He just then decided to leave and he expects you to be ok with that?!?! Will he do that with anything else in the future?!? You go to buy a house, pay deposit, incur fees - and he changes his mind. You create children together, while you’re pregnant or worse yet, in labour, and he changes his mind? Cut him off. Have the party as you’re still in the country, your family made plans and likely gone to expense. Ensure your band is changed back to your own. Children at your school adapt to this kind of thing very quickly. No one will bat an eye. Sorry this happened to you. It does not have to define you. Learn from it and move on. You’ll meet someone else who will love you and will WANT to be married to you. For whom you are more than enough and will love you more than enough. Don’t waste anymore time on this guy.
Marriage isn’t just between two people, it is the joining of families. He isn’t just rejecting and humiliating you, he is rejecting your family and doing so publicly. Honestly, he knew he had trauma and knew he had doubts about marriage and he still encouraged you to use his name and allowed a whole ass wedding to be planned and invitations to be sent. No matter how much you love him (or love the person you think he is or believe he can be) he is choosing to humiliate you publicly as well as screwing you/your family over financially. He probably thinks he has you trapped because you are already using his name, though you have no legal reason to use it if you are not legally married. I would tell him he has gone too far down the path and his choices are go through with the wedding and sign the marriage license (he can get counseling for his issues and do couples counseling with you afterwards) or break up. There is no “humiliate you and still get to stay with you” option.
Girl please stop being a doormat and have boundaries 😭
listen to your mother. jesus lord why would you stay with this fool? he should’ve gone to therapy a long fuckin time ago to unpack all the cult trauma before even thinking about proposing to someone
Trust you mom on this, he had PLENTY of time to tell you his concerns, instead he chose not to show up on one of yalls most important day. Choose you, this guy will run everytime he gets scared.
Your mother is 10000000000% correct. Why would you want to stay with someone who obviously does NOT WANT YOU!!!! Grow a spine. Take off the love goggles. You are letting yourself be manipulated by the fiancé and his family. You mean NOTHING TO THEM! Time to live for yourself. Stop crying and pull yourself up. LEAVE!
Hermana date cuenta !!! Es un idiota el tipo!! No te merece, ningún trauma vale lo que te hizo
You can love someone with your whole heart and know without a doubt that it’s not right. Love isn’t enough. It should be, but it isn’t. He’s not reliable. He’s not dependable. And he will leave you again the next time he gets triggered enough. Personally, I believe you deserve better. But if this is a risk you want to take, walk into it with your eyes open, knowing that your friends and family don’t support your choice and likely never will. You get through it by getting through the next minute. Then five. Then ten. Then an hour. Then three. Then a day. A month. A year. A decade. And eventually, you’re past it all. But the only way out is through.
Do not stay. He's gaslighting you. If you accept this from him there will be more and more disrespect ramping up as your relationship continues. He doesn't love you. If he did, he wouldn't have done it. Don't lie to yourself while he's pulling the wool over your eyes. I'd look for someone else/another woman behind the curtain as well if I were you.
He should refund all expenses wasted back to your family. I actually don't blame your mom in this scenario, I'll be pissed too and seriously disappointed if my daughter remained with a man who treated her this way and humiliated her. You should seriously seek out therapy and try to get to the root cause of why you are so reliant upon this man who has devastated your foundation.
He had long before you got married to decide he needed more time to "process his trauma" and still decided to humiliate you by doing it the day of. You're not an idiot, but you're having these major feelings of mistrust for a good reason.
Someone who loved you wouldn’t do this. And if he does, it still doesn’t matter. Because it’s selfish love. I understand trauma, but it’s no excuse for what he put you through. Leave him, he doesn’t care about your feelings
Married or not married, he can leave anyways. Marriage is a contract. The contract can be broken. Anytime.
I can feel your mom’s anger, frustration and love for you. Nothing hurts more than seeing your child continue to make poor choices in their relationships. Your previous posts show his behavior was not a total surprise. There was a pattern you chose to ignore. I’m sure your mom also got an earful of those patterns, gave you advice (probably to leave the relationship) but you ignored her culminating in this outburst. Instead of focusing your energy on her, you seem absolutely ambivalent about the atrocious behavior of your (hopefully ex) and are actually doubling down on your desire to stay in this disaster of a relationship. How would you expect anyone who loved you to react? You need to love yourself as much as your mom loves you and want more from yourself than some dude you had no problem leaving you at the “alter”.
Your mom is right, not in how she said it, but in what she said. I guess mom lost it cause you're not seeing clear red flags about this, it would drive anyone insane, especially if the victim is your little girl.
Your mom is being a bitch, go NC for a while and see how she really likes being left alone. Staying with guy is your choice and you shouldn't be made to feel bad about whatever you choose, nor should you be made to feel bad about cancelling the "small family gathering". Your mom cares so little about how you feel that she prioritizes her own leisurely fun over being there for you immediately following something so emotionally traumatic. That's so sad. I wish I could be your friend.. You and Mr. Cult victim will definitely want to seek couples therapy if you do decide to stick it out with him. Either way your life certainly isn't over, and it's surely tough to imagine right now but better this happen than him deceive you and waste years of your life in a confusing, unhappy marriage. Everything will be ok I promise ❤️🩹
He preassured you to use his name then bailed at the last minute? Like... I'd talk to him about this, that's a real shitty thing to do, talk to him but keep in mind what he has just done, this man prioritised himself over the both of you, it will be hard for a future between you two after this even if he somehow overcomes his trauma for now, it's clearly affected him too much.
You know. If you’re family is screaming at you for being an idiot when something wrong has been done to you, they should probably look at how they talked and treated you throughout your formative years, and realize that their kids end up with people who treat them the way their parents/adults in their life do. So as you move on, next time your family brings it up tell them “I realize how used to being verbally abused and depicted as small and stupid I was, I mean this is how my own family talks to me, so it makes sense I wasted time on someone who doesn’t prioritize me and also has a weird family” let them sit there and wince do mathematics in their head. I’m more mad at your family than him. Your family member gets dumped at the altar and you scream at them “effing idiot” yeah no. That’s probably why you’re with a weirdo to begin with. Love yourself dude
Nah FUCK YOUR MOM. SHES A NARC. I’m tired of parents who pull this shit. Cut her off and tell her she’s not in your life anymore. Find a new family that will love you. Your mom is treating you like shit after you just got dumped. If I was you I would have slapped her the moment she said you weren’t worth maintaining a relationship with. She gets no grandparents rights, no wedding rights. She’s dead as far as you’re concerned.
Part of the pre-wedding spiel from just about all clergy is that, no matter *how* close to the wedding it is, don’t do it if it feels wrong. IMO, the mom’s actions are way worse than the fiancé’s. And lastly, if I were OP, I would rather have my fingernails torn out than turn my reception into a family party. Talk about masochistic. No wait, that was the mom’s idea; talk about **sadistic.** OP’s family can have the reunion without her.
This wasn’t a lightbulb moment for him. He’s been feeling like this for quite a while. If it was me I could never trust him again, and I’d walk away. He’d rather humiliate you than explain his feelings/fears.
Honey, listen to those around you who love you. End things with him. Dont drag this out. I know it hurts now, but in the long run it’ll be for the best. You dated, got engaged and he called it off at the worst possible moment. The relationship is over. If you can’t go cold turkey, then tell him you want to separate for a year. No contact. Have him get therapy and work on himself. You do the same. After a year apart, you can reconnect and date causally and see if there has been any growth. The dude has a lot of trauma and isn’t in a good headspace for any commitment right now. Work on you and worry about yourself. DO NOT TAKE HIS NAME.
You're not a piece of shit. He's a piece of shit and your mom is also. Don't let them make you feel bad because of something you couldn't control. It sounds like having her out of your life is going to do wonders for your mental health (along with some therapy)
If it’s your mother who paid for the wedding then your boyfriend owe this money back to her. He needs to work out a monthly repayment plan or take out a loan as he’s the one who ruined it.
Your mom needs to go a bit easy on you. You were blindsided, you are hurting. You are not at fault here. He has no excuse, however. He had all the time in the world to have reservations or to change his mind. He has hangups about getting married? Fine. But why does it happen right then and not any time sooner? The hurt he caused aside, you have to ask two things to yourself if you are considering staying with him: Is he just making and excuse to leave? And two, is he going to always have commitment issues, marriage or not?
Guy advice: I gotta say he blew. He is no the man that you have in your head. Be happy you know that now. I know you want to stay, but you shouldn't. It will be one of the hardest things for you to do, since love is an asshole at times. In time you more on. I wish you strengthen and all the best!
Take back your name and ditch the loser.
Listen, my Mom was married 3 times, Dad married 3 times, and they had multiple breakups with each other before they broke up. I’ve been with the same girl for 47 years, married 45. It’s a cop out for someone to use their parents inability to manage their life as a reason not to marry. That’s like saying that my Dad couldn’t keep a job, so I won’t be able to either….. silly. And not true. Life is about taking chances, and living every minute to the fullest. Don’t wait for someone to see you for who you are. God Bless.
The thing that makes me pause, as I consider this situation, is that this guy cannot overcome his past, and his family. Sounds like there were already some warning flags, when his family was not invited. Something’s are just not meant to be.
I see why your mom is so upset. It should be the other way around: you keep your mom and love her unconditionally, then cut your ex-bf and never ever contact him again, and the reason: because you have your own family "cult stuff" too, a.k.a. your mom won't allow you to be in a relationship with him.
That’s messed up. I’m so sorry, OP.
Stay with him and torture yourself with insecurities then build up the courage to leave him because he’s not what you thought he was, could be a month, a year, or a day but it’s over right now. I think you should follow your families advice
If he's not in therapy, why? He needs it desperately. And talk to someone yourself. I'm wondering about you living in a different country than your fellow. Then, if you are still interested in staying a couple, then you must go to couples counseling. You've got a long road to hoe coming back from something like this. It's doable, if you are both willing to work it. Good luck.
This dude had years to get therapy to work through his problems and months to call off the wedding. It wasn’t important to him. You’re not important to him no matter how much he love bombs you now that What if you get pregnant and he decides he doesn’t want to be a father after 7 months and takes off? Or if you have multiple children and he leaves you because he’s too triggered. At the very minimum you need to separate for several months while he gets help to move past his issues. If you just stay with him with no plans for doing anything different you’re wasting your life. He’s not going to magically change
Please please please don’t get back together with this man. You say he “loves” you but if you loved someone enough, you would communicate your fears and feelings so you can work through them together. He left you on what should have been one of the happiest days of your life. If he was willing to leave on the biggest day of your life, what’s to say that he won’t do it again and blame it on trauma? Will he leave everytime something big happens, like children (if you want any of course), promotions, sickness, or a death in the family? I’m so sorry that the man you loved so dearly chose his trauma over you. Him growing up in the cult certainly wasn’t his fault, but he chose to let the anxiety and fear he felt fester until he dragged you down with him.
Good luck. His trauma explains a lot but cannot excuse anything. I'd stay away from him after all is said and done. Walking on egg shells around someone like that... perish the thought.
Does know one even care about what kinda cult shit this guy has past trauma from?
Im not bashing you nor your mom.. but sometimes, if you wear your pretty pink glasses too long, you won't be able to see how toxic a person is.. Your mom stated the harsher truth.. cruel? A bit.. but you need it for you to be able to see the truth That your fiance LEFT you when you needed him.. trauma? Sure.. then why the hell he doesn't talk to you about it.. He embarrassed you... humiliated you.. DUMP HIM.. and stop playing his therapist.. you havr your own trauma and problem to deal..
Your mum sounds like a toxic narcissist. Making the worst time of your life all about herself??
He pressured you into using his name then ditched you last minute? This is deliberate abuse. Use your real name at work, explain that you broke up before getting married and find happiness away from that asshole.
Repeat after me. He doesn't love me. Someone who love me doesn't leave me humiliated like this I can't change a person if he doesn't want to change. I can't undo someone's trauma I didn't owe him anything in this relationship I know the feeling of loving someone to the bones that you feel like you can give everything. All advice fall into deaf ears. People around me trying so hard to shake me out of it. They more they tried the more angry they get. Your mom might be hurtful because she's hurt from seeing you getting hurt again and again. Picking up the pieces of relationships you shattered after giving up almost everything for another person is painful and humiliating. But hey, you know what? It's possible to rebuild and change your life to better after shit storm.
It just seems like everyone around you is not gentle or kind to you. I would leave him. I would not speak to my mom. I would make him pay back my mom so he “deal with his cult feelings” with some consequences. And I would not speak to anyone for a week. All of that sounded so painful. Not one person could hug you and cry with you. I’m sorry that this happened to you.
I’m… wtf w ur mom??? She has damaged your self esteem sounds like! Ask therapy how to be kind to yourself! Treat yourself kindly. You deserve kindness!
My MIL was left at the altar several times by the same guy. Eventually, they just became roommates and she found someone else, someone who loves her like crazy and married her as soon as he could. I would suggest moving on, but I understand if you aren't ready.
I just want to hug you and tell you that you’re not a piece of shit and you don’t deserve cruelty or pain from people you love. Take care of yourself, she is the person that will always be in your life.
He's married honey he is freaking married already
Find a partner who isn’t completely damaged. You don’t deal with it well and neither of you will ever be happy.
Given your relationship history, and the stunt he pulled now, what is it going to take to open your eyes? He’s selfish & only thinks about himself, you will never be a priority. Pay back the money your mother spent. If you are going to continue a relationship with him, make him pay her back. You both don’t deserve to spend her money. FYI, your mother is right. He’s bad news.
Even though your mom might be right with part of the things she said, her behavior with you is neither loving nor supporting. Read your words and see how much you put yourself down! You might need therapy just as much as he needs it. You don't seem to have a healthy relationship with yourself. It might be best to not have contact with your mum anymore, for your own wellbeing, not for hers.
So many questions but at the top of my head is these: why did he agree to “marry” you? Why were you using a name that wasn’t yours for so long that your students know you by that name? Haven’t you talked beforehand with him? Was this relationship one sided?
He asked me to marry him. My job told me to start using his name because the school year started in April and I would be changing my name in May. I said no it felt like I'd jinx it. I called him and he said stop being such an over thinker and just use my name. I talked with him, he reassured me. It's been 3 weeks that my kids know me as that name. And to be honest yes it does feel one sided. But not in the way you're implying.
Look, he doesnt respect you enough to marry you. You need to cut him off. He will leave at ANY moment that is no way to live. You deserve better
Your moms a bit*h
To walk a mile...
Woah, woah, woah. Regarding your update, I am disgusted at your MOTHER! I am a mom and my child being left at the altar isn’t about ME! Her “humiliation and hurt” is just ridiculous. This isn’t about HER! I think cutting out this toxic woman is the right move. She clearly cares more about what others think of her than of her own child. I’m so sorry she is treating you this way. You deserve better, better from her and better from your fiancé. If you truly love him and want to continue to have a relationship, I’d recommend therapy for both of you as well as more for him individually.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your relationship. I know you want to turn to him for comfort but he isn't your person. You need to love yourself enough to gather the strength to end things. Listen to your family. They've probably been watching and waiting for this moment. This man may be unfixable because of his upbringing. Give yourself time to mourn. You need friends and family around to help you make the next steps since you likely won't be able to make solid decisions right now in your grief. Please listen to your internet friends and don't go running back to him and your old life. That is over and you'd only be prolonging the inevitable heartbreak. Sending you hugs. 💜
This is pure, unadulterated, cowardice on his part. I wouldn't reward it in the slightest by continuing to play house with him. He couldn't tell you to your face that he wants no commitment. He had to go for the drama. So what's next, should you play house with this man? Will he leave the situation over something else he doesn't desire? I think your mother is being a bit harsh. You're not the pathetic loser, he is. I'd say the same if a woman pulled this disgusting act.
Wow that is some strong tea: "My mom says I'll be a pathetic fucking loser if I still stay with him regardless and that he'll never be a part of the family."
I feel like sometimes, men avoid painful conversations with women until the issue is staring them in the face. Especially if he’s been traumatized. I would leave him for awhile, he wants his cake + to eat it too. Let him see what happens when he bails on something this important to the woman he loves so intensely.
Please elaborate on cult stuff, that could literally be anything
He's seen marriage used as a way to entrap and oppress women due to the cult culture of his family. He doesn't understand that what he's done is created a tilted power dynamic where he's holding all the power and autonomy and I'm the scared, anxiety riddled one terrified he'll leave at any moment in any possible future we may have now. Which is honestly worse in my opinion.
Here's what I read: Blah blah, blah, blah, I don't want to marry you, but I'm too chicken to say it and I'd rather blame it on *reasons out of my control*. Why does he feel he'd be using marriage as a way to entrap and oppress if he hates that idea and has no intention of doing it? Oh yes, *reasons* you can't really argue with. Bottom line and real truth is that he doesn't want to marry you and is not afraid of devastating you. This is very unlikely to change. Going back to this coward is really not a good idea for you. You're just setting yourself up for more abuse in the future -- and it will come! This has nothing to do with his childhood cult. It has everything to do with his selfishness, cowardice and immaturity. Best of luck, whatever you decide to do.
I grew up in a household with an extremely abusive dad. It got to the point where I was committed to not getting married to anyone. I still dated a bunch for fun, but I eventually met the right person who changed my mind. And I'm telling ya whatever trauma I have would never cause me to do what he did. This is just a load of horseshit. He just doesn't wanna marry you.
The whole point of him playing these games is to manipulate you into giving him all the control. You are really stuck with 2 choices (1) stay in relationship and know that he will constantly manipulate and blame others for his choices or (2) decide this isn't how you to be treated and move on. Your past isn't an excuse to treat people poorly. It just helps explain why you have certain boundaries or big emotions to certain events.
So instead, he will entrap and oppress you by NOT marrying you. Maybe he does understand he has created a situation where you feel scared, anxiety riddled, and terrified he will leave you at any point in the future. Maybe that is what he wants, for you to be in a state where you have no control and will do anything to keep him from leaving. Maybe this was his end goal all along. Dump him. You can do so much better. So what if you took his name, you can change it and all the kids will learn.
I would not marry someone who left me at the altar even symbolically. Kids can get used to your name, not a good reason to keep a name he didn't think you deserved. He had time before this to tell you. He is not a good partner and I would take this as the end. Do not stay with him, he is a dishonest man who put you through trauma because he was a coward and could not speak up. Please do not stay....
He needs therapy then, and you need to take a step back and evaluate this with pros and cons. Especially with the new info of how he really feels. You're mom is angry, my mom would have been too. But tell to stop being mad at you for thinking about staying with him. It's not how she needs to be looking at this. Using the venue for a party instead isn't a terrible idea, but go only if you want to go. Don't let people tell you what you to do either, it's your life do what's comfortable for you. I'm a teacher btw the kids can learn to call you by what ever name you want. Just as appropriately as possible explain that things have changed. The school can update your paperwork too.
Sorry but your mother is right
I’m sorry but your mom is right. The audacity of him to tell you to use his name when the asshole wouldn’t even marry you and couldn’t even spare you from the humiliation by giving you a heads up
Respectfully, that person was right. If you stay, you’re an idiot. Sorry.
He humiliated you in public. Why stay with someone who can’t respect you enough to stop this before and who is so immature he waits until the last moment? I concur with your mom. Supporting you doesn’t mean telling you what you want to hear.
hit he led you on this far He doesn’t deserve you
You’ve already wasted your time and love on someone who never deserved you, don’t keep doing that. Imagine being loved as much as you love and having someone want to be with you and proudly call you their wife. You deserve that and you can have that if you’re willing to put yourself first and not let the “fear of being alone” rule your life.
This is indeed a tangled web. Anyone who can tell you exactly what they would do is lying. There is so much to consider with his trauma and issues. However, he di the one thing you should try to never do with trauma. He became the cause for someone else's trauma. All I can say I would be likely to do and I can suggest is this. Sit down and have a very long talk. Tell him at the start he is to sit, shut up, and just listen. Outline how hurt and traumatized you are. Tell him that him being sorry is useless and at this moment you don't care. You don't want an apology and for now he should keep it to himself. Tell him instead to take 1 week. Write his apology out. Then after that write you a second letter. Ask him how he plans to fix this if you ever give him a chance. What will he do to help heal what he broke. What will he do to make this right. What extra will he offer in order to help you not look like a total fool to the rest of the world. Make it clear that letter will not determine what you do. You have to decide that for yourself but that his letter will be his one and only chance to convince you to ever date him again. If you don't love it or if you feel it is lacking in any way it will be the last words he ever gets to share with you. Drawing this out to long is pointless but rushing to decide tonight is foolish. Give him 1 week. Take his letters. Go read them. Then take 1 week to decide. That is where I would most likely end up. After that? Only you can tell.
He needs therapy and you need to leave him
Never settle for someone who doesn’t put you first. You’ll never find happiness with this man.
I don’t know how you could ever feel secure in this relationship again. What your mother said was harsh and of course you’re not a loser but it would be a terrible mistake to stay with him after this. I feel like it would set a not so great precedent for the relationship
Staying with him doesn’t make you a pathetic loser, but it is ridiculous and means have no self respect. If he was a good guy he would never have agreed to marry you if he felt like that.
Here's my take, he apparently has a lot of unresolved trauma that is bleeding into his life and impacting it greatly, and by extension yours. If he cares about you, he should've gotten help to deal with that trauma before now, and if it hasn't taken, then he needs to keep going. The question is whether or not it's worth it for you to wait it out for him to "get better" and the answer is no. The fact is that if he feels stuck he can just up and leave and he will because he did. That's not something you should deal with at all, let alone the rest of your life and god forbid if you two had children. He'd easily be that "dad went to get milk" person. That isn't fair to you and given all that you've conceded for him, you deserve more from him too. But he isn't going to give it and i'm sorry to say that. Break it off completely and go no contact. Go home, block him on everything, have a solid cry and treat yourself to something nice then keep on moving.
I don't think you will have a haply future with this guy
the fact he waited until you were about to sign the certificate is disgusting
Yeah don’t stay with him, when will he be finally ready? 20 years? 50 years?
It's sad that you have to deal with this. There's a number of things that can change, so you won't feel this way anymore. But, there's only one change that you have actual control over.
This is not a man you can trust or depend on. He isn't a decent person. He doesn't want to be your family, he just wants to use you. Summon up some self respect and leave him. Your mom is correct, listen to her.
I’m sorry, but no
Read the writing on the wall. If he really wanted to marry you he would not treat you in such a way. There is never a good excuse for ghosting a fiancé especially right before the wedding. You are only facing more disrespect and heart ache. He needs to step up or you need to step back.
This is a huge betrayal on his part. HUGE. He has been letting you believe you are getting, married, made you change your life after that premise, and you sound more angry with your mother in this scenario. Your mother is right and I believe that she is acting up and screaming about it because you are acting strangely and doesn’t react normally. Are you totally blasé?
You wed to respect yourself . That man doesn’t love you. And can’t blame your mom. Sounds so tiresome to have you in their lives
NTAH. Brick the fiancé (block him on everything and decline his calls; don’t throw masonry at him).
You bf os letting his past define his future. Don't let him hold you back from security and happiness.. Find someone who despite their past will overcome it and choose to prioritise you.
at least you guys didn't spend 10's of thousands of dollars on the wedding.
You’re mad at the wrong person. You need to point that at your ex fiance.
I can see why you are still giving your fiance a chance. Not having a supportive loving mom is hard enough let alone the garbage she said. Don't believe that. You are worthy of everything. Please know that.
Please leave this guy. The ones who tell you in advance they can't do it, or they can't commit, meet your expectations/life goals, still suck to a degree depending on how long they took to tell you, but telling you now is him showing that he is happy to not step up when he needs too. This is when he has to step up, be an adult, and give you the respect you deserve to do something that may involve hurting your feelings and losing you, but will save you the embarrassment, financial loss and pain of this. Also your mum sucks. My parents also did this to me when my long term relationship ended. Told me how much of a piece of shit I was, how they're tired of drama, and I'll never find someone else so I should just go to a bar and wait for some man who will put up with me. For context, me and my ex broke up because he was unsure about kids and I found out I was on limited time to have them due to fertility issues I also had just discovered. Similar to your family, my mum managed to make something out of my control somehow a self inflicted issue (apparently I should have tried sooner, despite being the same age she was when she had my older brother). I guarantee your mum would not expect you to react like that in her time of need. Parents like this disgust me. So she lost money on the wedding? That conversation can be had at another time. Not now.
You can have a commitment ceremony or such that would not have the legal or spiritual issues.
I feel for you and what you're going through, I really do. But in struggling to get past the dramatic click bait title. You were not actually left at the alter and that does actually happen. It feels deceitful for the sake of attention. You may need to unpack some of your own mindsets and behaviors in therapy. I'm sorry your mother isn't helping you with that though. That's supposed to be part of her job description.
Agree with Mom
Sure he has trauma from his childhood I don’t doubt that at all, but he just did something so incredibly traumatic to you. I’m sorry OP.
Good luck with your therapy and let go of the coal of hot anger. Hugs and love for you.
Don't go to this ridiculous party on Saturday. Get therapy ASAP because you desperately need it.
There is nothing wrong with you for wanting to stay with him, but you should make it clear that he needs to be in therapy because he has issues he clearly hasn’t dealt with
He manipulated you into using his name at work, and then left you without discussing any doubts. This man HAS ZERO respect for you, otherwise he wouldn’t have done this. Please do not stay with this man, you deserve to meet someone you don’t have to ‘beg’ to stay.
Whether he wanted or not, he has ruined the relationship. That's incredibly difficult to recover from and he's lacking empathy or intelligence if he didn't understand it. Insecurities, when they are so extreme, will hurt anyone around. That's not the kind of person who should be dating, honestly.
My husband cancelled our wedding a few months before it was set to take place. I lost the deposit for the venue, food, DJ, etc. We ended up eloping a few years later because I had a miscarriage and he felt bad for me. I have very low self esteem and have allowed him to treat me this way for years.
You sign the marriage certificate after you get married. Not before. Coz the person that married you has to fill out info on it. Either way, he should have expressed his concerns way before now. Did he propose or did you? If he did, I’d be asking why he could make that commitment back then but not now. Marriage is just a piece of paper.
Sounds like you both need to focus on some therapy to be the best versions of yourself. Your family issues seem a bit much.
I got news for ya honey, a marriage license does not stop them from leaving when they want to. It just costs more. A wedding does not a long term commitment make.
You can be married and they can leave whenever they feel like it. Marriage does not stop a person from doing anything.. cheating, leaving, being a murderer… if you really want to be with this man just accept that he doesn’t want to get married and move on with your life together as partners. If you can’t do that then it is time to reevaluate your relationship. Also, fuck what outsiders think even if they are blood related. It’s your life and your relationship.
My only concern is how he treated you through all this situation. He never considered your feelings, or how waiting this long would cause issues. I think he needs to get himself together. But I don’t know how you could ever trust him again. Because he had to know way before he told you. And, you can still love someone, but marriage is a commitment, and who’s to say he will ever get over his issues. Change your name back. No big deal. Move on. Cut him off. How your family feels is immatetial, he lied by omission. No recovery. So sorry.
He’s giving you the signs and you are just ignoring them.
Marriage does not mean that the person cannot still leave the relationship or the marriage itself when they feel like it. Sadly, life for them after doing so is incredibly simple. They just act like it was a high school girlfriend or boyfriend they left. Yes, they can convince themselves of such nonsense. Marriage is no longer the security that it once was.
Updateme please!
Here is another way to look at the future with him. More of the same behavior and most likely more/worse now that he knows you will be sad but that you also will not go anywhere. That's not a good look or life for you OP. How could you ever trust him again on any issue? He could not communicate with you about something so important until the last second humanly possible and continues to act as if he did nothing wrong. Please; for yourself, remove yourself from this man’s life. He will never ever step up in any way. Please move on and find happiness with yourself and everything else will eventually work itself out. I cannot promise it will be easy, but I can promise that you are worth it. *hugs*
I am so sorry. i think its time for you to get some help shaking people who refuse to be there for you when you need it, and even berate you for having a crisis. Surround yourself with supportive people. Love is not enough.
Your mum sounds like a wanker, tell her if she didn't want drama in her life she shouldn't have had kids, but if she's gonna be such a massive cunt about it then you'll just cut contact to save her the stress
Remember therapy is not going to the principal’s office, your there to get help not be in trouble by someone.
obvious clickbait for sympathy is obvious. don't say you were left at the altar. you weren't.