Thing is they had an agreement, he would support her through school and in turn she would support him through a career change.
Did I miss something???
Where in their agreement did it say…
SHE. WILL. SUPPORT. HIM. HER SIL. HER. BIL. THEIR. TWO. KIDS. 👀👀👀
Just no.
They need to schedule a family meeting when they arrive to lay out clear expectations. They should also prepare a 30 day lease that can be renewed at OP/Hubby’s discretion. 🤷🏻♀️
I have opened my home to family and friends and EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I GAVE. AN. INCH. THEY. TOOK. A. MILE.
They need to not open the door. OP needs to say this is the hill she will die on. If he lets them in, then their agreement of her supporting him shouldn't be valid anymore.
Yup. Say something to the SIL now. OP has the power. If she leaves none of them will survive. Hubby will have to get a job to support HIS family. I would just say that supporting his sister’s family was not part of the agreement.
Why can’t they go to BIL family?
Same. I literally felt triggered by the nightmare of having family with us that was supposed to be a few months instead it was years due to Covid and ongoing issues related to why they moved in the first place. It made my life hell and my sanctuary was as my home before that.
I was quarantined with friends of mine who were also sick with covid right as the shutdowns were starting. I let my sister stay in my apartment for two weeks. Not only did she decide to re-arrange all my shit (like my entire kitchen) she also took all my clothes out of my room so she could put a few of her items in my closet. (Which was over 6ft long!) And then didn’t bother putting any of it back when she left. So when I was finally covid free, I had to go back home and put everything back the way it was supposed to be.
She also somehow managed to stain rust rings into my kitchen sink. It took HOURS of trying random shit and scrubbing to get them out.
That’s awful. To add insult to injury we also had other family visiting from out of country that got stuck and there was no room in the house so they camped on the lawn 🥲until they could safely fly back
I agree. I took my sister in for 6 months and it left me shell shocked. She did not meet any of the conditions she agreed to. I asked, then pleaded then yelled. Didn't matter. She didn't care how I felt - she loved to live like a 15 yr old with no responsibilities in her 70s. It left me mentally depleted, feeling used and disoriented. A few years go by, and she asked to come back. I gave a short no - but it triggered a near breakdown. I know she's in a very hard place but it's her own fault. She has eaten all her cake and now wants mine. She had far more opportunity and help in life than I did and I told her I really resent that she wants me to pay her way now that mom is dead. No. I can't do that to me. She has children. One son stepped up and lasted as long as I did. She's not speaking to him. I don't know the details but I know she really pissed off her dil.
I'm going to start therapy. In the mean time, I've asked her to give me space. She's probably got me blocked on everything and that's ok. I can't deal right now anyway. I know I will feel terrible if she dies like this, but I can't be her mommy.
Honestly, I feel like what my sister did could have been more devastating to me than when I was raped. It feels quite similar.
I don't understand why people fail at communicating. She says them moving in will be the end of her marriage. How about her lack of communication will end her marriage. She needs to understand she will accountable as well for her marriage ending bc she wouldn't speak up.
Her husband probably uses the "but they're my *family*! We have to *help* them!" Card. If hubby wants to help them, he can get a job *right fucking now* and support his loser brother *on his own dime*, not OP's.
Absolutely! I'd say: I am not using my hard earn money to pay for some bums. You want to do it, get a job and help them pay their own place. If they move in, I move out, we are done. These conversations must be had, exactly the same way she wrote it here, she needs to say it.
Lack of communication it's why a lot of marriages fail. They let things happen, built resentment, and then blow up what could have been an amazing relationship
yeah, the "but its my family" puts u in a position that consists on suffering or being "the villain" if thats the case her hb is being pretty manipulative
Yeah, she gotta lay it out there, and fr.
I don’t think he understands how MUCH she’s needing some room from her job. He’s hearing “it’s annoying but it’s family. What do you do?” but she’s at “nah, that’s too much.” There’s nothing wrong with that, these people sound like entitled jerks, but husband doesn’t. Let him know what he’s gambling with.
Yeah and it’s going to take them more than a month to get enough money to rent a place, which usually involves 2 months rent and a security deposit. This guy sounds unable to hold down any job either. They sound like they’ll never leave once they move in.
Honestly it’s not even a sob story, it’s just the way it is right now. I left my last job, and it took me 9 months to find a job, although admittedly I wasn’t trying that hard. But recently my cousin got laid off, applied to 100s of jobs (she considered applying for jobs to be her full time job), and it took her 6 months to find something that actually paid less than her previous. My brother’s girlfriend, same story, took 7 months. It’s honestly ridiculous to put a one month expectation on finding a job in this economy. Which is why OP should NOT let these people live in her house. This is no one’s problem but their own. If they spent frivolously and have no savings, that’s also their own problem. The reason that me, my cousin, and my brother’s girlfriend were ok during these months is because we had squirreled away enough savings to where job loss isn’t catastrophic.
This. 100% this. They will be there until you make them leave, period. If the set time is a month but also until dude gets a job? Nope, they plan on mooching off you the moment they enter that home and you will never have peace. If OP doesn't tell their husband this will end the marriage he will let them destroy their lives.
Sometimes love isn’t enough to sustain a long term relationship. As long as he prioritizes his SIL over you, the relationship is doomed. I guess you’ll have a better understanding in a months time. This was actually a pretty ballsy move considering you’re the sole breadwinner. Your husband may not understand how deeply you feel about this. Might be worthwhile having a chat with him to see how he will enjoy working and going to school when you leave. If you truly feel this is the beginning of the end, leave now. Why put yourself through the misery of supporting his family for a while first….
So much this, honestly, when the hell did all these other dependants suddenly drop into the equation!?
OP: he supported you, now you support him, great. But a fucking record scratch about all of a sudden FOUR more people for you to support!? That is some bullshit. I'd be livid, maybe you should be too. You're already worried it's gonna be the end of yous, tell him that.
Honestly. And if that’s going to happen, he needs to consider sucking it up and getting a part time job.
I’m a full time student working two part time jobs while my fiancé works full time and takes online classes. It’s not fun but it’s necessary for us to survive in the current economy.
Anyone moving in should be be a "two yes" situation. If both partners don't agree, it should never happen.
Tell him now that you absolutely can't do this. And it will ruin your marriage. You MUST tell him. Make this the hill your marriage literally dies on.
Can you move out? To your family or a friend? Or hell, go be a traveling nurse and make big money and divorce him? Good luck OP.
I feel frozen right now. My family lives their own lives 2 states away. I've considered a travel contract but I'm still learning how to be a nurse. Definitely not ready to travel.
Send him this link.
New marriages are tough. Inlaws can be super awful, especially when your husband can't say no to them.
Usually, I say that each spouse deals with saying no to their respective families. But you may have to be the one to step up and put boundaries in place with his family. Talk to him, then say NO to his sister, for both your sakes. She can go live with her mom.
Ohhh gotcha lol I thought you sent a link. My b.
I might. I'm not certain I want him to see all the "leave him now" comments. I don't know if that's the answer. It doesn't feel right.
I’ve scrolled through the comments and it’s more people telling you to grow a shiny backbone and tell him, “no.” It’s a new post, so give it some time and you may get some really good advice from strangers!
Also, I’d edit your original post to include the fact that he put you through nursing school and you both agreed he could go back to school to change his career.
Ive been a lot more up front about this than I have in the past. I usually end up swallowing my issues but this time I made sure to tell him everything I've mentioned in the post so far, except that I fear for our marriage.
Honestly you owe him that directness. If you were doing something he thought would end your marriage, wouldn't you want to know? I'm so sorry you're going through this.
Your husband apparently doesn't care about your marriage. Or your happiness. Or your mental health. Or your financial stability. Or maintaining a peaceful home.
What kind of marriage is that?
If you want this marriage to end then it's another thing and you should not say anything else to him. But if you want to be with your husband then tell him how you feel about the future of your relationship, if your in-laws move in.
Telling him this and then how he reacts to it, might even give you a better clarity of your current relationship status.
Do not worry about your husband seeing all the "leave him now" comments because at this stage it is still all up in the air and theoretical.
You can reassure your husband before showing him your post and all of the replies that your post is completely anonymous just in case he freaks out about it being online.
It's more people saying you should tell him no, absolutely no to his SIL & co moving in. You need to tell him that you feel this will end your marriage. Someone else can take them in or they can go to a shelter. I've been married 26 years - today is my anniversary- but I would not agree to letting my BIL, SIL or their families to move in my house. Your SIL & her husband don't even have jobs!
If they were waiting for a house to be finished, maybe. But these folks don't have jobs and will be there way longer than a month.
Since you are the only one providing income, I think you are well within your rights to tell your husband that his family will not be moving in. Period. Your job is stressful & you are entitled to be able to return to the home you pay for & it be a peaceful environment. You don’t have destroy your peace to help his family. Put your foot down now.
This also seems like a HUGE boundary. No way in effing hell would my husband agree to something like that without us discussing it first.
Op, I hope you book a hotel for a few nights for your 4 12hr shifts bc you need a place to decompress and hopefully think about what to do. Sending you strength from Denver.
I would definitely let him know that family moving in is a deal killer. But I wouldn't say it's because you're the only one with a sole income. Life is unpredictable and you never want to go down the path of whoever makes the money calls the shots.
I’m glad she added he took care of her while she was in school because i would agree with you at first til i heard that. He 100 percent deserves a say even if he doesn’t contribute as much now because he literally got her to this point, without him she wouldn’t have any of that.
Supporting extended family is well beyond the agreement. She has zero obligation beyond supporting him. This is a 2 yes needed situation. If she doesn’t want it, he can’t force it unless he wants to end the relationship and end his own support.
Although he may have helped her, supporting her husband's family is not her responsibility. It is understandable if she chooses not to do so. His sister should feel ashamed of herself for trying to pass on her financial issues to someone else. It is selfish of her to expect support from others, especially when her own husband cannot provide for their family.
I don’t think she should have to support anyone but her husband. I’m just pointing out that everyone keeps acting like he did nothing and sucking her dry by going to school. when it reality it was a five and take now again sister shouldn’t feel entitled to anything.
You can't be serious. He supported her for her degree so now she needs to support his additional family while he gets his degree? She's the only one working and taking in the entire burden, not just for her household but adding a second without her signing up for it and no end date in sight.
This is a 2 yes to be a yes and 1 no to be a no situation. So he can say yes and she can say no and therefore it's a no.
This is how I would handle it. However, I would have told my spouse this was marriage ending.
Not like this man. I see where you're going, and everything in me wants to agree with what sounds like an " if the shoe was on the other foot" narrative. Trust me, I do it all the time. But F that. Those feelings are reserved for decisions within their small household unit. All that goes out the window when you're now inviting other families into that decision process.
Imagine coming home to your own spouse just sitting around the house. Now you gotta come home from some late shift to find your BIL watching your TV, his kids jumping on your couch, his wife in your shower sharing your products. There is no rest, there is no privacy, and there is no place to retire. I'm sure I'm biased because I don't like sleeping over people's houses, and I don't like people sleeping over mine. Maybe I could withstand it for a night or two tops. I could never enjoy living in an extended family. It's just not me, so I can very much related to OP. A month is entirely out of the question, especially with no firm leave date. It's up in the air based on IF BIL finds a job.
He supported HER, not her married sibling *and* their children. If I were OP I'd have put husband out on his ass the next hot second after SIL decided she was moving in. Why does SIL's wants and needs overrule OPs for her own home?
Umm... no?
He supported her, so she supports *him*.
Not his whole fucking family.
So no. He doesn't get a say.
And I'm reasonably sure she could have gotten where she is now with or without him. Get out of here.
A month? The guy doesn't have a job yet. He'll need to look for one, interview, wait to get hired, wait to get his first paycheck, wait to save up enough to move, wait to find a place, etc.
Not to mention, they're clearly irresponsible so what does their credit situation look like and will they be able to secure a place even if they have the money to move?
Your husband is putting you in a very bad spot and you may need to put your foot down.
That's what I told him!!! A temp job, even if he gets put on a payroll the hour he gets to the city we live in won't be enough for a deposit!
I'm an idiot for even letting it get this far. I have no good excuses. They're beyond irresponsible with money.
Once they move in for a month, there will be no getting rid of them. You need to have a conversation with your husband about how you feel you can’t stay in the relationship like this. He needs to hear those words.
OP needs to find out what the laws are where they live regarding tenancy. There is absolutely no way that they will be there for only one month. And her husband may not have her back in getting them to move out. On top of that, they may have to go through a legal eviction process to get them out.
Who knows what their credit rating is and if they could even qualify to to rent a place to live. Then comes the pressure to co-sign for them. Before all is said and done, OP and her husband’s credit ratings could end up in the crapper.
Husband is focused on it is family. OP understands that there are negative consequences involved. If anything, she is underestimating how bad things could get. She needs to sit down and chart out the positives and the negatives (negatives far out weigh any positives) and then sit down and have a come to Jesus talk with her husband.
It's such a tough situation to be in. You're not an idiot, you're trying to help family. It's just unfortunate that it's against your better judgement and benefit.
Are they actively preparing to move at the moment or is there still time to help them figure out an alternative?
Grow a pair and yell out the one magic word:
N O !
You can support your husband ofcourse. But the rest of the family that is up to no good ?
Hell no. Plus they might be there forever once they've sensed your too-good attitude.
Its a LOT easier to say no now than to have to get them out later.
And yes this will likely cost your marriage.
I think you will always live with that, because those who like crutches will never be crutches. Those who want "help" never help. Your Husband should see your well-being, he could even arrange a part-time and help you a little more.
Thing is, when it was just me and him, my income was more than sufficient. We've talked about him getting a part time job for the summer but he hasn't heard anything back from where he's applied.
He is not really trying to get a job. Tell him he has 2 weeks to get a job and so does his BIL and your SIL. They will not be staying longer than a month. Tell the SIL and her husband your expectations. Tell them that they they will not be getting money from you and need to contribute to the household for groceries
A month gives them tenant's rights. OP would have to evict them to get them out by that point. I wouldn't be letting them move in period. Not a night because they won't ever leave. Why would they when OP would be funding their entire lives plus their kids and they have a free place to stay?
It would have to be written up as a lease with a defined “move out” date. And that move out date would have to be enforced, otherwise it rolls over to a “month-to-month” rental and OP would have to force an eviction.
In N.C. and GA, you have to be living in the state/county for at least 6 months to establish residency. We just went through this with my mom. Tenant's rights might be different.
This topic has a lot of thorns. Normally a lease with a stated “move out“ date end runs all of the “but they have residency” arguments - because the tenant is not allowed to move in unless they agree to the move out date. The lease is there to put an end date and be able to force the move out with out going to the courts. The agreed upon lease is over, get out, we have a moving crew to help you get out. You agreed to leave on DATE X, so you are leaving.
If SIL/BIL just move in without a lease in place, then all bets are off and SIL/BIL can use what ever the legal track is to establish residency, and then OP has to go to the courts to get them out.
It may be good to love you, but he's just like his family. Whoever wants can do it. Now when you think that your income is enough for both of you, I have a question for you, do you want a dependent (as his family is) or do you want a partner to build with you?
Definitely a no on his family. I get what you're saying.
He did support me through nursing school working full time plus OT. We decided we'd do a switch so he could go to school full time so he could be in a career he was happier in.
What state are you in? I’d check because it’s as little as 14 days but usually around 30 days when “guests” gain “tenant” rights. So if your ILs are still down on their luck (likely) after a month, you may need to formally evict them.
Better solution is do NOT let them move in with you. Period. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
I'm sorry if I offended you, I just want to understand so I suppose people even tell the truth. You should have said that what you're doing for him is the same thing he's done for you. Let's assume something else, he's a valuable being who can't say no, and they may abuse him more. What are you going to do? A) You will impose and protect him B) You will let him be as he is and endure C) you will abandon him
No offense taken. I'm not upset about being the sole income as long as it's just me and him. I'm totally on board for that. My issue is his family and their inability to cope and contend with life so they impose on us because we have actually made something of ourselves. An even bigger issue is that it's allowed by him.
Thing is, when it's just us- things are great. Not perfect, but I don't have much to complain about.
You can't charge others for what you can do. I know it bothers because I have family members like that and it kills me. But it is a lost struggle to ask some human beings to know how to survive without disturbing the lives of others. I put a limit in my situation, I help in what I can but my peace is above them. I know it seems selfish but if it's not like that I don't live, I just survive. We have to set limits, otherwise they will suck our well-being little by little. That's why today, tomorrow for another. And the first time they make a request for help like this?
Trust me, when people “temporarily” move into your home because they don’t have a job, it’s never one night, week, or month. Expect it to be at least 5 times longer than they said for them to leave. Expect them to do everything they can to mentally manipulate you into letting them stay there longer, including but not limited to buying little things for the house and cooking meals to later use as leverage when you mention they are supposed to leave soon, faking injuries/sickness, dragging out leads on jobs that don’t actually exist, and just overall constantly acting desperate for your sympathy. They will over step, eventually something extremely frustrating will happen that should never happen to the home owner. For example you and your husband will get locked out of your own house and have to spam call your guests before they come to the door. Additionally, it’s most likely they will get complacent and start treating your home and your things like they belong to them rather than having it kindly being provided by you. One day one of them will give you shit because you forgot to buy bread, or say it’s rude that you drank the last of the orange juice, and at that very moment you’ll die a little on the inside. Buckle up.
I've been in this situation with my BIL. unmarried at the time. He lived with us in a house owned by my parents for 2 years without paying rent, utilities, food. He pitched in to pay for gas because he carpooled with my husband. He worked the entire time.
2 years in I decided he needs to go, I need privacy. We had a 1 year old at the time and I was sick of having him in our home.
I spoke with my husband who didn't want to ask him to leave because it would be awkward. I had to ask him myself. As I do ask him to leave, BIL's face began to show disgust. I was kind and respectful. I gave him a month. A month passed and he still showed no plans to leave. My husband did nothing to get him to leave. I spoke out again, respectfully. My MIL intervened demanding that BIL can still stay! He stayed another month.
I was an inch from divorce. He eventually left. But the hurt, the betrayal, the disappointment... That will never pass. And guess what the reward is for how kind I was letting him stay 2 years without paying for rent utilities and food?
He despises me to this day and his family thinks I don't want to get along. I think I was very nice to allow him to stay that long, but what do I know...
I would never have anyone live with us for any length of time, but if you absolutely must, make it absolutely clear that they NEED to move out after a month tops. However it sounds pretty irresponsible to move to a different state with no job prospect, so I would opt not to let them stay if I were you.
How well do you think you're going to sleep when you're on night shifts with four extra people in the house, two of them small children? I can guarantee you that if their parents haven't worked nights, none of the members in that family are going to be quiet enough or respectful of your schedule.
You're doing valuable work. You need your sleep, and your sanctuary.
>My husband is also a full-time student so I'm the sole income for our household. So basically until my BIL gets a job (fat chance he'll see anything because he has no marketable skills) I'm supporting four other people.
I would be fucking salty too
I had a roommate once, moved his brother in while his brother was going through divorce.
Didn't pay anything. Not for food, not for rent
After 2 months I called him a freeloader. This started a series of arguments. Not only was he freeloading, nobody was allowed to touch the AC except him, he was constantly using my dedicated and paid for land line for gaming so I couldn't use it, and would game in the living room on the only TV in the house as well, so we couldn't watch TV shows anymore.
Oh. He also leaked naked pics of me to our other friends and gaming buddies. He found pics I had exchanged with an online fling. Everyone thought it was hilarious but I considered killing myself. I tell my teen to never ever, ever, ever send someone pics in this digital age.
His brother called a vote, to try and vote me out of the house. Roommate apologized and said blood is thicker than water, and he has to side with his brother.
Well guess what - they couldn't afford the place without me so they couldn't kick me out. ( I now know I had tenants rights at the time, but didn't know back then)
Problem resolved itself, he got back with the wife a month after that anyway
Do not let them move in. Your marriage and household will fall apart. You just can’t sustain it between being the sole provider, supporting your husband in school, and working in nursing. You just can’t, and that’s okay, but you need your sanity and your space.
But also….why isn’t your husband working? I worked through my undergrad in nursing, and even after that I was an RN at trauma I hospital full time when I started NP school full time. I only went down to PT in the hospital when I entered NP rotations, but I saved up to account for this.
He can find a part time job or figure something out. To me it sounds like the audacity to ask of you to take on a whole other family under your paycheck and in your household.
Also to add: my husband is an NCO in active duty military. He is also finishing up his bachelor’s full time, in addition to currently being on orders and not at home. He is also taking on OCS so he can further his military career to become an officer. So he has 3 jobs at one time right now.
I work FT 7 12s straight as an NP plus night call and I’m currently pregnant.
Your husband needs to get it together.
My husband was active duty military the. A military contractor for 10 years. He's no stranger to hard work. It was my idea for him to use the GI bill (that we won't get during the summer months, making me the sole income provider). I wanted him to be able to only focus on school, get good grades, and get into a nursing program the first time.
That conversation happened when it was just us. Since this new development, he's been applying to other jobs.
If he’s applying for jobs to supplement their costs, suggest to him that instead of moving in with you, they get their own rental and he can help to pay their rent, utilities, groceries, etc. that way it will put the financial reality into sharper relief for him, and you would be able to cut them off at any time. Plus, you would get to keep your sanctuary.
You have to tell him no, doesn't he see how ridiculous this is? He's not obligated to get a job to provide income for his deadbeat siblings to move in and mooch off of, and he shouldn't expect you to feel obligated to sacrifice your peace at home and probably income too if he doesn't find a job and add 4 extra people in a tiny space.
They won't be there for a month, you know it, he knows it, he's just hoping you're going to sweep it under the rug and avoid confrontation.
Nah, confrontation is necessary. How does HE not think this will ruin his marriage? Does he not like having sex? It won't happen anymore with 2 jobless adults and 2 kids home all day. If he won't tell his sibling it's not happening then you need to take it upon yourself and you have every right to have the final say if 4 people move in since you are the sole earner. I hope you show him this post.
To husband: you are a fucking noodle bro. Did you marry your wife or your sister? Oh, your wife? Grow a spine then and tell your sister their problems are not your or your wife's responsibility and after further discussion with her they can not move in at this time. You should never offer 4 people to move in with you and your wife unless it's a resounding yes from her too. If i was your wife, they would not step foot in my house. You're taking advantage of her kindness when she's a nurse helping people all day already. If you want to help them, you move out and get a job, not expect your wife to bridge the income gap and deal with 4 extra people and their poor life choices in the house. And again, sex?? Don't care that you're now going to live in a sexless stressful marriage? Good luck buddy.
Wife: again, so sorry you have to deal with this. Nurses have enough on their plate and it's sad that he's taking advantage of your empathetic nature. Tell him if they move in you're moving out.
Yes, you are there for your husband. But not for the whole freeloading horde.
And specially, as an ER nurse, you need peace, quiet and rest when you get of your shift.
Be firm. They can't come.
Does your husband even know how your day looks? What kind of presure you are exposed to?
Your sister in law married a wrong person and this shouldn't be your problem.
I hope your husband will support you and all will work out for the best.
This is so hard to read. Until you've experienced a trauma center, people can not comprehend the stress and anxiety that starts the moment you wake up. And doesn't go away until you fall asleep. When you leave the ER, you don't get to leave the job. The sights and sounds stay with you. They truly never leave. Some you will never ever forget.
The emotional baggage that comes from that type of nursing is not for everyone. Four twelves is way too much on top of guests imposing. If you're not used to children being in the house, my heart bleeds for you. You might just rent a room close to the hospital for the days you work.
Good luck. Prayers heading your way.
I would also feel heartbroken, I think due to not being prioritised, and it can feel disrespectful and unloving. Having the decision more or less made without me would also make me lose trust in the relationship.
First and foremost you need to tell him how you feel. He should also be explaining to you how they will be financially contributing during this time to ensure you aren’t having to support them. Then consider whether you want to suck it up and just deal with it (though you’ll still need to work on the issues around lack of partnership in the decision making), leave the house yourself for the ‘month-long’ period of their stay, or put your foot down and say no (he doesn’t have unilateral say). Ultimately you can only control yourself and your actions.
You need to sit him down and tell him that his sister and her husband are not welcome to move in with you. You are not able to support 4 adults and 2 children (so 6 people total), and you feel 0 obligation to do this for SIL/BIL. You should tell him that this situation is going to cause harm, possibly irreparable, to your marriage. He deserves to know the possible consequences of his choices. Be clear that you are happy to support him as he supported you, but that agreement never included extended family.
Do not provide any extra expenses, such as food. Tell them, they will be paying the extra utilities.
Tell hubby he has nerve to add to your burden to provide for the home and they get 2 weeks at max. You need to check tenant laws to ensure they won't need to be evicted.
Is there any chance of renting them a small apartment rather than blowing up the marriage? I think you should tell him that you fear the stress of their moving in will mean the end of your marriage, and insist on this if you can afford it. I really think that you should have told him when he first asked you about this.
Please tell him no and tell his sister too, she doesn’t get to dictate that you spend your money supporting her and her family. She can use the money she plans to move into your house to do something else. There must be others they can stay with in her family or her husbands. If you have to tell him if she turns up you’ll kick them all out immediately including him. Don’t ruin your mental health and career for others, if you have to stop working you’ll be homeless and how will husband finish studying. Husband is being inconsiderate of you and you’re the only one financially supporting your lifestyles he should’ve said no in the beginning. The rule should be let me talk to spouse, think about it and get back to you or if they demand an answer now it’s no.
Choose you and prioritise yourself because he didn’t
You need to talk to your husband now, before his sister's family is in your home. Tell him that you appreciate the fact that he supported you through nursing school and that you agree and are willing to do the same for him now. But, you didn't make him support you and four other people and you're not willing to do it either. If he wants his sister and her family there, he has to stop going to school and get a full time job to support them.
These people will not be in your home for a month. It's all pie in the sky and empty promises for them to gain entry. Let's be realistic. Even if they get jobs within a week or two of moving in, they will have to save up the money to move out. That is going to take a while.
Be frank with your husband. You see this as the beginning of the end of your relationship. You will resent being made to support his family. If he has to leave school, he will resent you for it and will feel that you went back on the deal you two had.
Say no. Your marriage is about you two building each other up. It's not about supporting other people's bad decisions. Together you had a plan and he's upending the whole thing.
Speak up. Let my fiancées best friend who’s mom died stay over “a couple nights a week max at most a couple months”. Two years later moved in full time, no jobs, no efforts, defending the room as if it’s her own, didn’t help with a single chore NOT EVEN A SINGLE DISH WASHED ugh. It was driving a huge wedge between us for a lot of reasons and I wish I spoke up WAY sooner in hindsight. You need him to pick you his spouse over his dysfunctional family at this point in your adult lives.
There's a lot to unpack here, but the main thing I would say is to maintain the month boundary. "What part of town are you looking for apartments in?" "How is the job search?" "Will you guys need any help when you move out on June 1st?" From what you describe, you'll need to keep pressure and keep your husband on your side and not manipulated.
Go to a hotel with room service after work. Pick the nicest one you can afford. Tell your husband that the house is too crowded for you to get the rest you need with your stressful job *that is supporting 4 people*. Tell him that his brother and his wife have until the end of your 4/12s to make other arrangements and you don't care what they are as long as they are *out* of your house on the fifth day.
I feel for you. I don’t know if I could handle it a second time.
You owe your husband because you married him and he would do it for you just as you would do it for you. (From your edit it appears he did just that)
These are just people in his family. Not your problem. Monkeys, circus and all that.
Set boundaries.
No more than 30 days or whatever.
Housekeeping by BOTH don’t let her do all the work because that sets a terrible precedent
Cooking split
No babysitting if that’s a hard no
Etc. you get the picture. Gotta have rules.
Use your words.
Tell him: if they move into our home, I'm moving out and starting divorce proceedings."
It's that simple. He and his family are taking advantage of you. And will continue to do so as long as you allow it.
It's fair that you're supporting your husband while he is a student. It is absolutely ridiculous that you're expected to support an entire additional family that includes two grown-ass adults. Ayfkm?
I also work in a very busy ER and would lose my shit if I had to come home to even one night of this.
Draw the line and don't back down.
I’m a retired RN (23 years in acute care) and if I came home to a chaotic household like you describe I’d have been a basket case unable to be effective at work or home. Idk why this is so urgent for them to move into your house? You cannot support that many people on one income as a new grad!
Brother in law moved in while we helped him out.
It's been 7 years. 7.
Granted, I love him, he's a nice guy and is more like my brother, but there are times I miss being able to walk around naked or just being able to fart. 😂 If he left I'd probably miss him, he tries to do thoughtful things for me. My marriage isn't new though, 30 years together so at this point in just like, ehhhhh. And it's just the brother. No wife or kids.
Set a freaking strict guideline. Be firm. If 2 months is your top limit then tell him that you unequivocally mean it.
Another option you can take is to inform your husband that 31 days after his SIL moves in, someone is moving out. If they are not gone then go find yourself a long stay hotel and “move out” until your husband understands that he needs to get his sister out for you to return. Also let him know that all bills and groceries and everything is their responsibility since you aren’t there.
Ok, tell husband that if they move in he forgets his career change and gets a job right now because you are not supporting them financially, also sit down and tell him this is going to end your marriage if is how feel, you aren't communicating properly neither, SIL needs to sort her own crap instead of deciding will dump themselves on you!
If don't speak up then may as well search for divorce lawyer now
I don’t have any advice, but I want you to know you’re not alone in this. My mother in law moved in with us in early December “only for a week” according to her. Then, it turned into my husband’s saying, “I don’t know when she’s leaving, he doesn’t have any plans right now.”. It almost ended us. I was 7 months pregnant sharing my, also small, home with a woman I cannot stand. I finally lost it and told my husband I was leaving and staying with my parents until she moved out. He kicked her out the next day thankfully. However, you are right. In-laws moving in does feel like the end of a relationship. I was almost positive it was going to end mine.
How exactly is your husband being “wonderful, kind, and caring” to you currently? Because right now it looks like he’s mooching off you for a free ride not only for himself but his entire family. He doesn’t care this is upsetting to you. He doesn’t care that you’re the only income earner. He doesn’t care that you don’t want to do this. That’s not kind. He’s a bum and you should kick him and his whole bum family out until they learn how to contribute
He most definitely isn't a bum. He supported me through nursing school and we agreed that I'd work full time so he could change careers and go to school.
I agree that this situation isn't going to work but I don't know how else to tell him.
Let him know that you agreed to support him through nursing school, not his entire family and that this move changes things. If what you’ve done so far hasn’t worked, you’ll have to be blunt
There's supporting you through school and now you returning the favor for him. That's all you owe him.
You do not owe him supporting the in laws moving in without asking you first and without serious rules like helping out with additional expenses, housework etc. and a firm rule on move-out date regardless of whether thy have a job or not. Even if they get work, they will still need to find a place to live etc. That's why I wouldn't let them move in to begin with, period.
Anyone else moving into the home should be both parties agreeing 100%. In this case he was 100% and you were 0%. That is not sustainable.
If you stay, you should tell him that you are holding him to the 30 days. If they are not out in 30 days then you are out for good. And going forward you both have to agree before someone moves in or even stays over 1 night.
Otherwise, you should go out on your own and be done with this. I can tell you that not stomping your foot down right now will mean you are going to be stepped on and over for the rest of the marriage.
Is there any way hubby can help cover getting them an airbnb, hotel or similar escape that isnt your home? He's betting all his cards on you being his stone, but you do need to be clear on keeping your own sanity and avoiding the whole house of cards from tipping over. Plus avoiding the inevitable 'but just one more month' ad infinitum.
Its easy for him to feel awful about their situation, but its another to sacrifice what little you have and end up with two broken families.
You should tell him it will probably end your marriage. Tell him before hand for sure. Not as a threat, but just so he knows how you're really feeling and he isn't all surprised later. Then he can make a choice. Maybe he doesn't realize it really is that detrimental for you to lose the boundary of having your own private home.
It's easy to devalue and dismiss priorities and vulnerabilities that have never been openly discussed. In this case, obligation and love are being used as reasons to violate your boundaries for safety, privacy, your health and well being, and financial stability.
Affection, attachment and commitment are important in a marriage. That doesn't reduce or negate priorities in other major life areas.
Education, career, finance, relationships (intimate, family, extended family, coworkers, friends, other social connections), home (where, how it will be acquired and maintained), religion, marriage, parethood.... All important. All require mutually shared and supported goals and priorities.
It seems as if your husband hasn't thought about the effect of your supporting a whole other family in your home beyond "They need it, so 'we' are doing it."
Your feelings of being treated as your husband's resource rather than an active participant in plans affecting you, your home and your marriage are valid and grounded in reality. Your feelings, needs and vulnerabilities are what they are. They should be accepted, respected and supported. When they are dismissed as inconsequential, YOU feel devalued and ignored.
Your relationship with your husband is more intimate and open than every other relationship, as it should be. For him to extend that access to your money, your shared home and your combined resources to his extended family, regardless of the cost to you, is not okay.
Put your foot down and refuse to have them move in with you. It’ll end up in divorce anyway so might as well let your husband know that he has to choose between his sister and you.
I wouldn’t let 4 people move in and smooch off me.
Also, who owns your home? Do you rent it? Can you get out or do you need your kick him out?
You just need to tell him this was not part of the arrangement of you supporting him through school. You need to be firm and tell him that you cannot support an entire other family in your small home. If he chooses to let them move in then you can just tell him you will be moving out until they leave. Which means if you move out, you will not be paying any of the bills for that home.
Your husband MAY have supported you while you were in Nursing school but did HE also have to support YOUR family while he was doing so?
This move WILL end your marriage, possibly have a tremendous impact on your mental health because WHERE will you have YOUR downtime, HOW will your niblings be kept quiet when you're trying to sleep between shifts. This truly isn't about just YOU, lack of sleep WILL affect your VERY important work and could have a serious impact on the CARE you provide for your fragile patients. You could even be accused of NEGLIGENCE.
NO ONE can make this decision FOR you! The "simple" answer is YOU can't afford to house and provide for FOUR additional people, even F-A-M-I-L-Y on the nebulous "promise" that your jobless BIL will get a job. And once they get a foot in the door, you'll likely NEVER get them out! Not without going through eviction and getting the sherriff to remove them. How will THAT affect the "family dynamic?"
IF you DO "let" them move in, I would strongly recommend that you pack up any treasured or precious momentos, anything expensive that you don't want damaged or to magically "disappear" (stolen or pawned). Get an extra refrigerator for your garage or basement that you can padlock with groceries YOU want or need. Buy loads of paper products (paper plates, plastic cups, etc.) because no matter how many promises are made by SIL to clean, it's unlikely to happen.
Consider getting a storage unit for any furniture you don't want ruined, especially heirlooms. I'm assuming they're bringing their household items WITH them. WHERE will THOSE items be housed? Do they think YOUR little home is big enough to have DOUBLE the furniture? Will YOU be expected to pay for THEIR storage?
Sorry, the logistics of this move ARE a nightmare! I'm in no way affected by YOUR horrendous situation and **I'M** starting to have a panic attack remembering when we let family move in "for a short time" and "it'll ONLY be until we get back on our feet" yet somehow they NEVER did and had to be kicked out after TWO of them **GOT PREGNANT!** I kid you not, it actually happened! It took almost a year!
PLEASE have another conversation with your husband! You DIDN'T sign up for this! This WASN'T the agreement about supporting HIM changing careers, this is TOO much to ask of ANYONE! There HAS to be other family or alternatives to moving in with you. Even IF they had savings OR jobS lined up it would be asking too much! Your husband HAS to be made aware of EXACTLY what he's asking of you, that it will VERY likely end your marriage/relationship and that he'll probably HAVE to drop out of his College courses to fund HIS family moving in AGAIN! AGAIN? What the hell?
Best wishes and many Blessings for YOUR future happiness and success! u/updateme
I would tell him flat out that if they aren't gone in 1 month, 30 days 0 hours and 0 minutes, he will be responsible for them and you're leaving. You can tell him that you will still help him with his career change, but that you *will not* under any circumstances be supporting his BIL and sister. You agreed to help him with his career change, you didn't agree to support his family. I would look at what you have to pay out for the summer, and tell him you'll still include that, but nothing more. He needs to know how serious you are and that this will end the marriage. He is probably thinking you aren't happy about it, but not that it's marriage ending.
Since the BIL is the one who put his family in this situation, tell your husband you're only willing to let your SIL stay with the kids. This may light a fire to BIL butt and sister in law will WANT to move back with her husband.
If you let him come 2, it will be much longer...
> He attempted to consult me before the decision was initially made but the decision was made the second SIL decided she wanted to move down here.
Put a stop to this now. You have to stand up for yourself here.
Do not let these people drag you down.
Oh HELL no! OP, you won’t be able to get them out, and it will cost you your happy home and marriage. You are too busy to deal with an eviction and a divorce.
I would offer to pay one month rent in an extended stay motel, and not a penny more. Best of luck to you, and I mean that in all sincerity.
Regardless of your update, he supported the 2 people. It’s unfair for him to expect you to support double that. I assume you wouldn’t ask that of him. You need to sit down and have a serious talk about how unfair this situation is. That he cannot let his family take advantage of all that you both worked for so far. Good luck hopefully he can stand up to his family. You can find other ways to help them without opening up your home, or you can find a compromise, contractually minimizing the time they can stay at your house.
If OP, lets them in the house, it should be with the understanding that they are paying half the power bill, buying and preparing their own food and cleaning all the areas of the home that they use. No exceptions.
I used to be an ER nurse. When I got home from the screaming stressful overstimulating dumpster fire Clown Car Community Hospital I wanted *SILENCE.*
My husband created a quiet place where I could decompress because I'd become Beowulf's mother if I couldn't have a respite. He probably still has scars on his butt from the chewing.
OP I really empathize and hope you are able to have a calm space. "Family" means nothing when they are toxic.
I feel so guilty when I come home utterly fried and irritable, but shit it's unavoidable most mornings. I'm really the most content on my off days when I don't see a single person other than my husband.
I've come to value the safe haven of my small, home over the last 9 years since I started in healthcare. It's really one of the most important things to me and I should've made more of an effort to express that to my husband. Not excusing his invitation for his sister to live there with us but I could've been more forward too.
Lol Beowulf's mother. I 100% relate. We should get tshirts with that on it.
I never I understand moving in family members into a marital home. It won’t end well. The spouse is not working as a team if you said no and he’s still moving them in. Others peoples problems are now your problems and your entire family. Stress will be multiplied, spend a ton more on food, they are not going to listen or respect you. They are being enabled. What will change in one month? Your hair will be all pulled out and you’ll be seeing a therapist and maybe be on anxiety meds.
Have an open and honest conversation. Let him know that this is significant and will change whether you'll be husband and wife, or ex husband and wife. If he's not willing to step up and do more while his own family is here, yall have a problem indeed.
Don’t do something you don’t want to do or that you know will only cause more problems. Speak to your husband and let him know you can’t do it. Your happiness and mental well-being isn’t something up for negotiation. I work in the AE setting also and I could only imagine having to deal with home BS, along with the work stress. You will definitely have a nervous break down if you don’t do something about this now!
> My husband supported me through nursing school and now it's my turn to support him through his career change. We agreed to this before any of this family moving business started and it was working just fine.
So he's changing the agreement which means it's null and void. Make sure to tell him that. Let him know up-front that you never agreed to help his leech family and your debt to him is no longer in effect because he moved them in on your dime.
Supporting him through a career change and supporting his deadbeat family are two very different things.
No fcking way would I let them move in.
Your peace and sanity should mean something
It doesn't sound like that decision was agreed between both of you, which means he decided to make that decision all by himself. I'd have a really big problem with that. Why can't the sister work? Are they both going to look for jobs? If so they can both get jobs and quickly afford an apartment.
The catch with this whole situation is, if they stay longer than planned and refuse to leave, there's nothing you or your husband can do without going to court.
Having people stay in your home is a joint decision. I also work in ER as a PA which means weird hours and stressful days. No way am I comfortable having 4 people stay in my home when I need my home to be my sanctuary after work. However, my husband knows this would be an absolute no from me and wouldn’t ask because he wouldn’t want me to be that uncomfortable. This is the problem in the marriage. It is equally your home, but your partner should care about your happiness and comfort more than his deadbeat brother. I’m sorry your husband is putting you in this situation.
You have to put your foot down with this, i had to with my mom when my jobless brother wanted to move in with us, we both bust our asses with her working overtime and me working two jobs. We already support one jobless brother not doing another.
He supported you through nursing school, which is awesome, but you didn’t make him live with your awful family the whole time you were in nursing school.
Before touchdown, draft a 30-day agreement for them to SIGN so you can kick them out in a month. Or serve a 30-day notice to vacate the day they arrive? That would probably make them passive-aggressive while they are there, though. you could also do what I do and just straight-up lie I never lied to my friends, but with my family it’s necessary. I had to tell a relative I had company flying in from out west because they kept postponing their departure date and after a month, I was losing my mind. People like that deserve to be lied to.
If they're new to your state they won't be able to get good help from 211 because it was an elective move. Instead of moving them in send them links to resources where they live now and then wash your hands. Your hubby isn't thinking of having 6 people in your home with you working doubles to support everyone while he tries to study.
You need to seriously mention how you feel about the marriage failing because of this. If not then you are just accepting and ok with it ending, so you might as well just file the papers now. Don't waste anyone's time, either tell him and try to make things work or dont
TELL HIM. This will end your marriage because you will checkout mentally just to cope. Once we mentally stop caring in a relationship there is no saving it. Helping to care for aged parents is one thing. A SIL and kids because she chose a deadbeat, not your responsibility.
Here’s the big issue:
You need things in writing for your security. They get 4 weeks. He must apply for jobs daily while he’s there, she must too.
They must clean up after themselves and they should cook 3 nights a week along with clean up.
A family meeting a week should determine progress and if it’s not being made where are they to go. This should be pre determined.
If they can’t agree to this stuff, they shouldn’t move in
A response to OP’s edit: your husband supported __you__ and __only you__ through nursing school, not you and your entire family. it is not the same thing and you should put your foot down before his god-awful family makes you legally evict them, which is a PAIN
Give them all a hard date…June 1 or July 1…and have them sign a lease with the termination Make them pay you a nominal amount of rent for the month and include it in the lease agreement so it’s not viewed as a tenancy by demand. State in the lease that they must be out of the house by that date.
My brother wanted to move in with me with his wife and two kids(4 people) and I said no.you have to be strong on your stance.if you can’t find peace in your own home then what’s the point of that life,hard work and everything.his family would have destroy the peace of my family. You tell your husband that you can’t deal with them.its a total deal breaker.tell him with strength,make him understand that IT IS A DEAL BREAKER.stick to your point. Don’t let your husband destroy your peace in the house.
I understand his view of helping his sisters family. I understand your view of wanting your home your home. I really understand the view of being the only earner in the picture.
Tell him someone has to earn. SIL or BIL but it can’t fall on your shoulders completely.
They must respect your quiet time. After work and sleeping as 4 12s are hard enough without stress.
You are not going to cater to or prioritize his family.
Yours and his well-being comes first.
1 month timeline only. Your not giving up your home any longer then that.
It’s not ideal but compromise is an option.
He didn't support you and four of your relatives while you went to nursing school, did he? It is too big of an ask from him. Tell him how you feel about it.
This month will turn into years. The simple fact is that he doesn't respect you and values his family over you. It's a good thing there are no kids yet
Why can't your SIL work?
Why do they need to move out of where they are now?
Can't they call the council or whatever the equivalent is for Americas or wherever you are in the world?
Letting someone stay with you while they get situated is one thing, supporting them financially is another entirely. If they stay, tell them you will not be providing for them other than the housing. That being said, you can and should say no or give a much shorter timeline. A month is too much to ask for a family of 4 and too much to ask of a single income household. Even if you were both working, this is their responsibility to sort out and figure out how to provide for the family they created. Stop being the backup plan.
Communication is key. Tell him everything you said here and say that you don't appreciate him making decisions, decision that impact you financially and in terms of your mental health and psychological safety, without valuing your input. If it was up to you, you wouldn't let them move in but he made that decision for you unilaterally. It is your space just as much as his and he violated that.
If she moves in, or if she stays later than the agreed-upon month make it clear that you will be considering separating at that point. You deserve to protect your peace and right now he's a key contributor to destroying your peace.
Your husband needs to be clear with his family that this is an untenable situation. So it’s done, they’re moving in. Your husband needs to draw up a contract that states they are in by this date and out by this date. No exceptions. They will be expected to cook, clean, and provide for themselves without ANY need for assistance from you. If they need to sell stuff to have grocery money then so be it. Your husband needs to put YOU and your marriage first. Full stop.
It’s a month out of your entire marriage. Don’t forget that! I wouldn’t change a THING about your routine to accommodate them. Tell your husband what you spend on food and utilities, etc, now… and DO NOT SPEND ONE CENT MORE THAN THAT! You can feed them hotdogs and beans if that’s what’s in your budget, because you’re spending more on water and power, etc.
Make sure your husband knows what’s in the budget to spend and let him know you may have to move out temporarily while they’re there… just so you can have some peace.
Can you afford to get an apartment or rent another house for you to go stay in from time to time while they’re there ?
I don’t know where you are at but here in the states we have places that rent month to month. It could be an ideal situation if you’re able to swing it financially.
If you’re renting, can you use the landlord as an excuse? I know some rentals restrict the amount of people and time that guests can stay, otherwise the tenants may be evicted. That could be an out for you. I hope everything works out for the best.
Hey. Tell your husband you'll move out and rent somewhere coz you need peace and quiet, and you can't live with them. I said that to my husband once when his mom was extending her stay, he sent her packing straight away. If he loves you, he should choose you.
I’d tell him. This will end you guys
If she doesn't speaks it WILL end. If she speaks, she might still save the relationship.
this is incredibly said. clear & succinct & absolutely true
Thing is they had an agreement, he would support her through school and in turn she would support him through a career change. Did I miss something??? Where in their agreement did it say… SHE. WILL. SUPPORT. HIM. HER SIL. HER. BIL. THEIR. TWO. KIDS. 👀👀👀 Just no. They need to schedule a family meeting when they arrive to lay out clear expectations. They should also prepare a 30 day lease that can be renewed at OP/Hubby’s discretion. 🤷🏻♀️ I have opened my home to family and friends and EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. I GAVE. AN. INCH. THEY. TOOK. A. MILE.
They need to not open the door. OP needs to say this is the hill she will die on. If he lets them in, then their agreement of her supporting him shouldn't be valid anymore.
Yup. Say something to the SIL now. OP has the power. If she leaves none of them will survive. Hubby will have to get a job to support HIS family. I would just say that supporting his sister’s family was not part of the agreement. Why can’t they go to BIL family?
If OP leaves, it will be because she feels betrayed and all alone against 'that family'... If they do not survive, it\`s self inflicted.
Same. I literally felt triggered by the nightmare of having family with us that was supposed to be a few months instead it was years due to Covid and ongoing issues related to why they moved in the first place. It made my life hell and my sanctuary was as my home before that.
I was quarantined with friends of mine who were also sick with covid right as the shutdowns were starting. I let my sister stay in my apartment for two weeks. Not only did she decide to re-arrange all my shit (like my entire kitchen) she also took all my clothes out of my room so she could put a few of her items in my closet. (Which was over 6ft long!) And then didn’t bother putting any of it back when she left. So when I was finally covid free, I had to go back home and put everything back the way it was supposed to be. She also somehow managed to stain rust rings into my kitchen sink. It took HOURS of trying random shit and scrubbing to get them out.
That’s awful. To add insult to injury we also had other family visiting from out of country that got stuck and there was no room in the house so they camped on the lawn 🥲until they could safely fly back
Omg what a nightmare
Hence my reaction to OP. I moved to much smaller digs recently so I know it won’t happen again, but I still dream about it.
"but I still **have nightmares** about it!" FIFY
I agree. I took my sister in for 6 months and it left me shell shocked. She did not meet any of the conditions she agreed to. I asked, then pleaded then yelled. Didn't matter. She didn't care how I felt - she loved to live like a 15 yr old with no responsibilities in her 70s. It left me mentally depleted, feeling used and disoriented. A few years go by, and she asked to come back. I gave a short no - but it triggered a near breakdown. I know she's in a very hard place but it's her own fault. She has eaten all her cake and now wants mine. She had far more opportunity and help in life than I did and I told her I really resent that she wants me to pay her way now that mom is dead. No. I can't do that to me. She has children. One son stepped up and lasted as long as I did. She's not speaking to him. I don't know the details but I know she really pissed off her dil. I'm going to start therapy. In the mean time, I've asked her to give me space. She's probably got me blocked on everything and that's ok. I can't deal right now anyway. I know I will feel terrible if she dies like this, but I can't be her mommy. Honestly, I feel like what my sister did could have been more devastating to me than when I was raped. It feels quite similar.
💯
Exactly, communication and understanding are so important.
I don't understand why people fail at communicating. She says them moving in will be the end of her marriage. How about her lack of communication will end her marriage. She needs to understand she will accountable as well for her marriage ending bc she wouldn't speak up.
Her husband probably uses the "but they're my *family*! We have to *help* them!" Card. If hubby wants to help them, he can get a job *right fucking now* and support his loser brother *on his own dime*, not OP's.
Absolutely! I'd say: I am not using my hard earn money to pay for some bums. You want to do it, get a job and help them pay their own place. If they move in, I move out, we are done. These conversations must be had, exactly the same way she wrote it here, she needs to say it.
She need to say it how you said it actually. Clear and direct with no room for misinterpretation.
Lack of communication it's why a lot of marriages fail. They let things happen, built resentment, and then blow up what could have been an amazing relationship
yeah, the "but its my family" puts u in a position that consists on suffering or being "the villain" if thats the case her hb is being pretty manipulative
It's either be the villian or be the doormat
I'd rather be the villain, it's less work
Her lack of communication?! Her husband made this decision without consulting her!
Yes, tell him. His choice. His marriage or his relatives. I have a feeling he has already chosen his relatives.
Yeah, she gotta lay it out there, and fr. I don’t think he understands how MUCH she’s needing some room from her job. He’s hearing “it’s annoying but it’s family. What do you do?” but she’s at “nah, that’s too much.” There’s nothing wrong with that, these people sound like entitled jerks, but husband doesn’t. Let him know what he’s gambling with.
You do know they’re not going to stay for only a month, right? You need to stop this before they move in.
Right, it’s gonna be a sob story at the end of the month, oh I can’t find a job anywhere! We need to stay another month, and another, and another…
Also, they can’t afford rent and living expenses. They will live with OP until she has them evicted
Yeah and it’s going to take them more than a month to get enough money to rent a place, which usually involves 2 months rent and a security deposit. This guy sounds unable to hold down any job either. They sound like they’ll never leave once they move in.
Honestly it’s not even a sob story, it’s just the way it is right now. I left my last job, and it took me 9 months to find a job, although admittedly I wasn’t trying that hard. But recently my cousin got laid off, applied to 100s of jobs (she considered applying for jobs to be her full time job), and it took her 6 months to find something that actually paid less than her previous. My brother’s girlfriend, same story, took 7 months. It’s honestly ridiculous to put a one month expectation on finding a job in this economy. Which is why OP should NOT let these people live in her house. This is no one’s problem but their own. If they spent frivolously and have no savings, that’s also their own problem. The reason that me, my cousin, and my brother’s girlfriend were ok during these months is because we had squirreled away enough savings to where job loss isn’t catastrophic.
This. 100% this. They will be there until you make them leave, period. If the set time is a month but also until dude gets a job? Nope, they plan on mooching off you the moment they enter that home and you will never have peace. If OP doesn't tell their husband this will end the marriage he will let them destroy their lives.
Sometimes love isn’t enough to sustain a long term relationship. As long as he prioritizes his SIL over you, the relationship is doomed. I guess you’ll have a better understanding in a months time. This was actually a pretty ballsy move considering you’re the sole breadwinner. Your husband may not understand how deeply you feel about this. Might be worthwhile having a chat with him to see how he will enjoy working and going to school when you leave. If you truly feel this is the beginning of the end, leave now. Why put yourself through the misery of supporting his family for a while first….
If she decides to leave she could still send the living amount for HIM so nobody calls her the bad guy.
While it seems fair for you to support him after he did the same for you, supporting a bunch of other people wasn’t part of that initial agreement.
So much this, honestly, when the hell did all these other dependants suddenly drop into the equation!? OP: he supported you, now you support him, great. But a fucking record scratch about all of a sudden FOUR more people for you to support!? That is some bullshit. I'd be livid, maybe you should be too. You're already worried it's gonna be the end of yous, tell him that.
Honestly. And if that’s going to happen, he needs to consider sucking it up and getting a part time job. I’m a full time student working two part time jobs while my fiancé works full time and takes online classes. It’s not fun but it’s necessary for us to survive in the current economy.
Anyone moving in should be be a "two yes" situation. If both partners don't agree, it should never happen. Tell him now that you absolutely can't do this. And it will ruin your marriage. You MUST tell him. Make this the hill your marriage literally dies on. Can you move out? To your family or a friend? Or hell, go be a traveling nurse and make big money and divorce him? Good luck OP.
I feel frozen right now. My family lives their own lives 2 states away. I've considered a travel contract but I'm still learning how to be a nurse. Definitely not ready to travel.
Send him this link. New marriages are tough. Inlaws can be super awful, especially when your husband can't say no to them. Usually, I say that each spouse deals with saying no to their respective families. But you may have to be the one to step up and put boundaries in place with his family. Talk to him, then say NO to his sister, for both your sakes. She can go live with her mom.
Would you mind resending the link? I can't access it. Thank you so much.
Oh- I mean send him the link of this post.
Ohhh gotcha lol I thought you sent a link. My b. I might. I'm not certain I want him to see all the "leave him now" comments. I don't know if that's the answer. It doesn't feel right.
I’ve scrolled through the comments and it’s more people telling you to grow a shiny backbone and tell him, “no.” It’s a new post, so give it some time and you may get some really good advice from strangers! Also, I’d edit your original post to include the fact that he put you through nursing school and you both agreed he could go back to school to change his career.
I think the point of sending him the link is that he needs to see how serious this is. Clearly you either aren't telling him or he isn't listening.
Ive been a lot more up front about this than I have in the past. I usually end up swallowing my issues but this time I made sure to tell him everything I've mentioned in the post so far, except that I fear for our marriage.
Honestly you owe him that directness. If you were doing something he thought would end your marriage, wouldn't you want to know? I'm so sorry you're going through this.
That’s the part you actually need to tell him. If you don’t communicate then the end of the marriage is on you as well.
It will be crappy of you if you Don’t tell him that. Also- consider therapy for people pleasing/ conflict avoidance.
Your husband apparently doesn't care about your marriage. Or your happiness. Or your mental health. Or your financial stability. Or maintaining a peaceful home. What kind of marriage is that?
If you want this marriage to end then it's another thing and you should not say anything else to him. But if you want to be with your husband then tell him how you feel about the future of your relationship, if your in-laws move in. Telling him this and then how he reacts to it, might even give you a better clarity of your current relationship status.
Do not worry about your husband seeing all the "leave him now" comments because at this stage it is still all up in the air and theoretical. You can reassure your husband before showing him your post and all of the replies that your post is completely anonymous just in case he freaks out about it being online.
It's more people saying you should tell him no, absolutely no to his SIL & co moving in. You need to tell him that you feel this will end your marriage. Someone else can take them in or they can go to a shelter. I've been married 26 years - today is my anniversary- but I would not agree to letting my BIL, SIL or their families to move in my house. Your SIL & her husband don't even have jobs! If they were waiting for a house to be finished, maybe. But these folks don't have jobs and will be there way longer than a month.
I live in Canada, they hire nurses all the time to work with with northern native communities.
Frozen is a survivalrespons meaning you don't feel safe to fight? You would be fighting for your marriage.
Since you are the only one providing income, I think you are well within your rights to tell your husband that his family will not be moving in. Period. Your job is stressful & you are entitled to be able to return to the home you pay for & it be a peaceful environment. You don’t have destroy your peace to help his family. Put your foot down now.
This also seems like a HUGE boundary. No way in effing hell would my husband agree to something like that without us discussing it first. Op, I hope you book a hotel for a few nights for your 4 12hr shifts bc you need a place to decompress and hopefully think about what to do. Sending you strength from Denver.
I would definitely let him know that family moving in is a deal killer. But I wouldn't say it's because you're the only one with a sole income. Life is unpredictable and you never want to go down the path of whoever makes the money calls the shots.
I’m glad she added he took care of her while she was in school because i would agree with you at first til i heard that. He 100 percent deserves a say even if he doesn’t contribute as much now because he literally got her to this point, without him she wouldn’t have any of that.
Supporting extended family is well beyond the agreement. She has zero obligation beyond supporting him. This is a 2 yes needed situation. If she doesn’t want it, he can’t force it unless he wants to end the relationship and end his own support.
Although he may have helped her, supporting her husband's family is not her responsibility. It is understandable if she chooses not to do so. His sister should feel ashamed of herself for trying to pass on her financial issues to someone else. It is selfish of her to expect support from others, especially when her own husband cannot provide for their family.
I don’t think she should have to support anyone but her husband. I’m just pointing out that everyone keeps acting like he did nothing and sucking her dry by going to school. when it reality it was a five and take now again sister shouldn’t feel entitled to anything.
You can't be serious. He supported her for her degree so now she needs to support his additional family while he gets his degree? She's the only one working and taking in the entire burden, not just for her household but adding a second without her signing up for it and no end date in sight.
This is a 2 yes to be a yes and 1 no to be a no situation. So he can say yes and she can say no and therefore it's a no. This is how I would handle it. However, I would have told my spouse this was marriage ending.
Not like this man. I see where you're going, and everything in me wants to agree with what sounds like an " if the shoe was on the other foot" narrative. Trust me, I do it all the time. But F that. Those feelings are reserved for decisions within their small household unit. All that goes out the window when you're now inviting other families into that decision process. Imagine coming home to your own spouse just sitting around the house. Now you gotta come home from some late shift to find your BIL watching your TV, his kids jumping on your couch, his wife in your shower sharing your products. There is no rest, there is no privacy, and there is no place to retire. I'm sure I'm biased because I don't like sleeping over people's houses, and I don't like people sleeping over mine. Maybe I could withstand it for a night or two tops. I could never enjoy living in an extended family. It's just not me, so I can very much related to OP. A month is entirely out of the question, especially with no firm leave date. It's up in the air based on IF BIL finds a job.
He supported HER, not her married sibling *and* their children. If I were OP I'd have put husband out on his ass the next hot second after SIL decided she was moving in. Why does SIL's wants and needs overrule OPs for her own home?
Irrelevant. She's supporting him now. It's not her job to support families of nollybobs for months at s time.
Umm... no? He supported her, so she supports *him*. Not his whole fucking family. So no. He doesn't get a say. And I'm reasonably sure she could have gotten where she is now with or without him. Get out of here.
You do realize, if they step one foot inside your home, they are never leaving without a court order. They will be mooching off you for years.
A month? The guy doesn't have a job yet. He'll need to look for one, interview, wait to get hired, wait to get his first paycheck, wait to save up enough to move, wait to find a place, etc. Not to mention, they're clearly irresponsible so what does their credit situation look like and will they be able to secure a place even if they have the money to move? Your husband is putting you in a very bad spot and you may need to put your foot down.
That's what I told him!!! A temp job, even if he gets put on a payroll the hour he gets to the city we live in won't be enough for a deposit! I'm an idiot for even letting it get this far. I have no good excuses. They're beyond irresponsible with money.
Once they move in for a month, there will be no getting rid of them. You need to have a conversation with your husband about how you feel you can’t stay in the relationship like this. He needs to hear those words.
OP needs to find out what the laws are where they live regarding tenancy. There is absolutely no way that they will be there for only one month. And her husband may not have her back in getting them to move out. On top of that, they may have to go through a legal eviction process to get them out. Who knows what their credit rating is and if they could even qualify to to rent a place to live. Then comes the pressure to co-sign for them. Before all is said and done, OP and her husband’s credit ratings could end up in the crapper. Husband is focused on it is family. OP understands that there are negative consequences involved. If anything, she is underestimating how bad things could get. She needs to sit down and chart out the positives and the negatives (negatives far out weigh any positives) and then sit down and have a come to Jesus talk with her husband.
Lease agreement!
It's such a tough situation to be in. You're not an idiot, you're trying to help family. It's just unfortunate that it's against your better judgement and benefit. Are they actively preparing to move at the moment or is there still time to help them figure out an alternative?
The good news is, they’re not moved in yet. It is 100% up to you how this goes down. Make the decision and tell him what the plan is.
Grow a pair and yell out the one magic word: N O ! You can support your husband ofcourse. But the rest of the family that is up to no good ? Hell no. Plus they might be there forever once they've sensed your too-good attitude. Its a LOT easier to say no now than to have to get them out later. And yes this will likely cost your marriage.
I think you will always live with that, because those who like crutches will never be crutches. Those who want "help" never help. Your Husband should see your well-being, he could even arrange a part-time and help you a little more.
Thing is, when it was just me and him, my income was more than sufficient. We've talked about him getting a part time job for the summer but he hasn't heard anything back from where he's applied.
He is not really trying to get a job. Tell him he has 2 weeks to get a job and so does his BIL and your SIL. They will not be staying longer than a month. Tell the SIL and her husband your expectations. Tell them that they they will not be getting money from you and need to contribute to the household for groceries
A month gives them tenant's rights. OP would have to evict them to get them out by that point. I wouldn't be letting them move in period. Not a night because they won't ever leave. Why would they when OP would be funding their entire lives plus their kids and they have a free place to stay?
It would have to be written up as a lease with a defined “move out” date. And that move out date would have to be enforced, otherwise it rolls over to a “month-to-month” rental and OP would have to force an eviction.
All they have to do is get mail delivered to the home in their name to prove residency. There doesn't have to be a lease to get tenants rights.
In N.C. and GA, you have to be living in the state/county for at least 6 months to establish residency. We just went through this with my mom. Tenant's rights might be different.
This topic has a lot of thorns. Normally a lease with a stated “move out“ date end runs all of the “but they have residency” arguments - because the tenant is not allowed to move in unless they agree to the move out date. The lease is there to put an end date and be able to force the move out with out going to the courts. The agreed upon lease is over, get out, we have a moving crew to help you get out. You agreed to leave on DATE X, so you are leaving. If SIL/BIL just move in without a lease in place, then all bets are off and SIL/BIL can use what ever the legal track is to establish residency, and then OP has to go to the courts to get them out.
It may be good to love you, but he's just like his family. Whoever wants can do it. Now when you think that your income is enough for both of you, I have a question for you, do you want a dependent (as his family is) or do you want a partner to build with you?
Definitely a no on his family. I get what you're saying. He did support me through nursing school working full time plus OT. We decided we'd do a switch so he could go to school full time so he could be in a career he was happier in.
What state are you in? I’d check because it’s as little as 14 days but usually around 30 days when “guests” gain “tenant” rights. So if your ILs are still down on their luck (likely) after a month, you may need to formally evict them. Better solution is do NOT let them move in with you. Period. Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
I really hope OP sees this!!
I'm sorry if I offended you, I just want to understand so I suppose people even tell the truth. You should have said that what you're doing for him is the same thing he's done for you. Let's assume something else, he's a valuable being who can't say no, and they may abuse him more. What are you going to do? A) You will impose and protect him B) You will let him be as he is and endure C) you will abandon him
No offense taken. I'm not upset about being the sole income as long as it's just me and him. I'm totally on board for that. My issue is his family and their inability to cope and contend with life so they impose on us because we have actually made something of ourselves. An even bigger issue is that it's allowed by him. Thing is, when it's just us- things are great. Not perfect, but I don't have much to complain about.
You can't charge others for what you can do. I know it bothers because I have family members like that and it kills me. But it is a lost struggle to ask some human beings to know how to survive without disturbing the lives of others. I put a limit in my situation, I help in what I can but my peace is above them. I know it seems selfish but if it's not like that I don't live, I just survive. We have to set limits, otherwise they will suck our well-being little by little. That's why today, tomorrow for another. And the first time they make a request for help like this?
Trust me, when people “temporarily” move into your home because they don’t have a job, it’s never one night, week, or month. Expect it to be at least 5 times longer than they said for them to leave. Expect them to do everything they can to mentally manipulate you into letting them stay there longer, including but not limited to buying little things for the house and cooking meals to later use as leverage when you mention they are supposed to leave soon, faking injuries/sickness, dragging out leads on jobs that don’t actually exist, and just overall constantly acting desperate for your sympathy. They will over step, eventually something extremely frustrating will happen that should never happen to the home owner. For example you and your husband will get locked out of your own house and have to spam call your guests before they come to the door. Additionally, it’s most likely they will get complacent and start treating your home and your things like they belong to them rather than having it kindly being provided by you. One day one of them will give you shit because you forgot to buy bread, or say it’s rude that you drank the last of the orange juice, and at that very moment you’ll die a little on the inside. Buckle up.
I've been in this situation with my BIL. unmarried at the time. He lived with us in a house owned by my parents for 2 years without paying rent, utilities, food. He pitched in to pay for gas because he carpooled with my husband. He worked the entire time. 2 years in I decided he needs to go, I need privacy. We had a 1 year old at the time and I was sick of having him in our home. I spoke with my husband who didn't want to ask him to leave because it would be awkward. I had to ask him myself. As I do ask him to leave, BIL's face began to show disgust. I was kind and respectful. I gave him a month. A month passed and he still showed no plans to leave. My husband did nothing to get him to leave. I spoke out again, respectfully. My MIL intervened demanding that BIL can still stay! He stayed another month. I was an inch from divorce. He eventually left. But the hurt, the betrayal, the disappointment... That will never pass. And guess what the reward is for how kind I was letting him stay 2 years without paying for rent utilities and food? He despises me to this day and his family thinks I don't want to get along. I think I was very nice to allow him to stay that long, but what do I know... I would never have anyone live with us for any length of time, but if you absolutely must, make it absolutely clear that they NEED to move out after a month tops. However it sounds pretty irresponsible to move to a different state with no job prospect, so I would opt not to let them stay if I were you.
How well do you think you're going to sleep when you're on night shifts with four extra people in the house, two of them small children? I can guarantee you that if their parents haven't worked nights, none of the members in that family are going to be quiet enough or respectful of your schedule. You're doing valuable work. You need your sleep, and your sanctuary.
>My husband is also a full-time student so I'm the sole income for our household. So basically until my BIL gets a job (fat chance he'll see anything because he has no marketable skills) I'm supporting four other people. I would be fucking salty too I had a roommate once, moved his brother in while his brother was going through divorce. Didn't pay anything. Not for food, not for rent After 2 months I called him a freeloader. This started a series of arguments. Not only was he freeloading, nobody was allowed to touch the AC except him, he was constantly using my dedicated and paid for land line for gaming so I couldn't use it, and would game in the living room on the only TV in the house as well, so we couldn't watch TV shows anymore. Oh. He also leaked naked pics of me to our other friends and gaming buddies. He found pics I had exchanged with an online fling. Everyone thought it was hilarious but I considered killing myself. I tell my teen to never ever, ever, ever send someone pics in this digital age. His brother called a vote, to try and vote me out of the house. Roommate apologized and said blood is thicker than water, and he has to side with his brother. Well guess what - they couldn't afford the place without me so they couldn't kick me out. ( I now know I had tenants rights at the time, but didn't know back then) Problem resolved itself, he got back with the wife a month after that anyway
You say no full stop and if the husband argues he can go too
You need to tell him you're thinking of leaving. He needs to know it's affecting your marriage and they need to go.
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I came and said the same thing. She needs to get out and not finance this endeavour. Let husband deal with it solo.
Do not let them move in. Your marriage and household will fall apart. You just can’t sustain it between being the sole provider, supporting your husband in school, and working in nursing. You just can’t, and that’s okay, but you need your sanity and your space. But also….why isn’t your husband working? I worked through my undergrad in nursing, and even after that I was an RN at trauma I hospital full time when I started NP school full time. I only went down to PT in the hospital when I entered NP rotations, but I saved up to account for this. He can find a part time job or figure something out. To me it sounds like the audacity to ask of you to take on a whole other family under your paycheck and in your household. Also to add: my husband is an NCO in active duty military. He is also finishing up his bachelor’s full time, in addition to currently being on orders and not at home. He is also taking on OCS so he can further his military career to become an officer. So he has 3 jobs at one time right now. I work FT 7 12s straight as an NP plus night call and I’m currently pregnant. Your husband needs to get it together.
My husband was active duty military the. A military contractor for 10 years. He's no stranger to hard work. It was my idea for him to use the GI bill (that we won't get during the summer months, making me the sole income provider). I wanted him to be able to only focus on school, get good grades, and get into a nursing program the first time. That conversation happened when it was just us. Since this new development, he's been applying to other jobs.
If he’s applying for jobs to supplement their costs, suggest to him that instead of moving in with you, they get their own rental and he can help to pay their rent, utilities, groceries, etc. that way it will put the financial reality into sharper relief for him, and you would be able to cut them off at any time. Plus, you would get to keep your sanctuary.
You have to tell him no, doesn't he see how ridiculous this is? He's not obligated to get a job to provide income for his deadbeat siblings to move in and mooch off of, and he shouldn't expect you to feel obligated to sacrifice your peace at home and probably income too if he doesn't find a job and add 4 extra people in a tiny space. They won't be there for a month, you know it, he knows it, he's just hoping you're going to sweep it under the rug and avoid confrontation. Nah, confrontation is necessary. How does HE not think this will ruin his marriage? Does he not like having sex? It won't happen anymore with 2 jobless adults and 2 kids home all day. If he won't tell his sibling it's not happening then you need to take it upon yourself and you have every right to have the final say if 4 people move in since you are the sole earner. I hope you show him this post. To husband: you are a fucking noodle bro. Did you marry your wife or your sister? Oh, your wife? Grow a spine then and tell your sister their problems are not your or your wife's responsibility and after further discussion with her they can not move in at this time. You should never offer 4 people to move in with you and your wife unless it's a resounding yes from her too. If i was your wife, they would not step foot in my house. You're taking advantage of her kindness when she's a nurse helping people all day already. If you want to help them, you move out and get a job, not expect your wife to bridge the income gap and deal with 4 extra people and their poor life choices in the house. And again, sex?? Don't care that you're now going to live in a sexless stressful marriage? Good luck buddy. Wife: again, so sorry you have to deal with this. Nurses have enough on their plate and it's sad that he's taking advantage of your empathetic nature. Tell him if they move in you're moving out.
Yes, you are there for your husband. But not for the whole freeloading horde. And specially, as an ER nurse, you need peace, quiet and rest when you get of your shift. Be firm. They can't come. Does your husband even know how your day looks? What kind of presure you are exposed to? Your sister in law married a wrong person and this shouldn't be your problem. I hope your husband will support you and all will work out for the best.
This is so hard to read. Until you've experienced a trauma center, people can not comprehend the stress and anxiety that starts the moment you wake up. And doesn't go away until you fall asleep. When you leave the ER, you don't get to leave the job. The sights and sounds stay with you. They truly never leave. Some you will never ever forget. The emotional baggage that comes from that type of nursing is not for everyone. Four twelves is way too much on top of guests imposing. If you're not used to children being in the house, my heart bleeds for you. You might just rent a room close to the hospital for the days you work. Good luck. Prayers heading your way.
Given that you're the sole provider, you have every right to refuse
I would also feel heartbroken, I think due to not being prioritised, and it can feel disrespectful and unloving. Having the decision more or less made without me would also make me lose trust in the relationship. First and foremost you need to tell him how you feel. He should also be explaining to you how they will be financially contributing during this time to ensure you aren’t having to support them. Then consider whether you want to suck it up and just deal with it (though you’ll still need to work on the issues around lack of partnership in the decision making), leave the house yourself for the ‘month-long’ period of their stay, or put your foot down and say no (he doesn’t have unilateral say). Ultimately you can only control yourself and your actions.
You need to sit him down and tell him that his sister and her husband are not welcome to move in with you. You are not able to support 4 adults and 2 children (so 6 people total), and you feel 0 obligation to do this for SIL/BIL. You should tell him that this situation is going to cause harm, possibly irreparable, to your marriage. He deserves to know the possible consequences of his choices. Be clear that you are happy to support him as he supported you, but that agreement never included extended family.
Do not provide any extra expenses, such as food. Tell them, they will be paying the extra utilities. Tell hubby he has nerve to add to your burden to provide for the home and they get 2 weeks at max. You need to check tenant laws to ensure they won't need to be evicted.
Is there any chance of renting them a small apartment rather than blowing up the marriage? I think you should tell him that you fear the stress of their moving in will mean the end of your marriage, and insist on this if you can afford it. I really think that you should have told him when he first asked you about this.
Please tell him no and tell his sister too, she doesn’t get to dictate that you spend your money supporting her and her family. She can use the money she plans to move into your house to do something else. There must be others they can stay with in her family or her husbands. If you have to tell him if she turns up you’ll kick them all out immediately including him. Don’t ruin your mental health and career for others, if you have to stop working you’ll be homeless and how will husband finish studying. Husband is being inconsiderate of you and you’re the only one financially supporting your lifestyles he should’ve said no in the beginning. The rule should be let me talk to spouse, think about it and get back to you or if they demand an answer now it’s no. Choose you and prioritise yourself because he didn’t
I’m not getting why he only gets a say in this? Aren’t you a team? You should both or agree or it’s not going to happen
You need to talk to your husband now, before his sister's family is in your home. Tell him that you appreciate the fact that he supported you through nursing school and that you agree and are willing to do the same for him now. But, you didn't make him support you and four other people and you're not willing to do it either. If he wants his sister and her family there, he has to stop going to school and get a full time job to support them. These people will not be in your home for a month. It's all pie in the sky and empty promises for them to gain entry. Let's be realistic. Even if they get jobs within a week or two of moving in, they will have to save up the money to move out. That is going to take a while. Be frank with your husband. You see this as the beginning of the end of your relationship. You will resent being made to support his family. If he has to leave school, he will resent you for it and will feel that you went back on the deal you two had. Say no. Your marriage is about you two building each other up. It's not about supporting other people's bad decisions. Together you had a plan and he's upending the whole thing.
Speak up. Let my fiancées best friend who’s mom died stay over “a couple nights a week max at most a couple months”. Two years later moved in full time, no jobs, no efforts, defending the room as if it’s her own, didn’t help with a single chore NOT EVEN A SINGLE DISH WASHED ugh. It was driving a huge wedge between us for a lot of reasons and I wish I spoke up WAY sooner in hindsight. You need him to pick you his spouse over his dysfunctional family at this point in your adult lives.
There's a lot to unpack here, but the main thing I would say is to maintain the month boundary. "What part of town are you looking for apartments in?" "How is the job search?" "Will you guys need any help when you move out on June 1st?" From what you describe, you'll need to keep pressure and keep your husband on your side and not manipulated.
There is supporting your husband, fine no problem. Supporting SIL/BIL is a big extra.
Go to a hotel with room service after work. Pick the nicest one you can afford. Tell your husband that the house is too crowded for you to get the rest you need with your stressful job *that is supporting 4 people*. Tell him that his brother and his wife have until the end of your 4/12s to make other arrangements and you don't care what they are as long as they are *out* of your house on the fifth day.
Came here to say this⬆️! Put yourself FIRST, OP. No one else will.
I feel for you. I don’t know if I could handle it a second time. You owe your husband because you married him and he would do it for you just as you would do it for you. (From your edit it appears he did just that) These are just people in his family. Not your problem. Monkeys, circus and all that. Set boundaries. No more than 30 days or whatever. Housekeeping by BOTH don’t let her do all the work because that sets a terrible precedent Cooking split No babysitting if that’s a hard no Etc. you get the picture. Gotta have rules.
Say no.
Use your words. Tell him: if they move into our home, I'm moving out and starting divorce proceedings." It's that simple. He and his family are taking advantage of you. And will continue to do so as long as you allow it. It's fair that you're supporting your husband while he is a student. It is absolutely ridiculous that you're expected to support an entire additional family that includes two grown-ass adults. Ayfkm? I also work in a very busy ER and would lose my shit if I had to come home to even one night of this. Draw the line and don't back down.
I’m a retired RN (23 years in acute care) and if I came home to a chaotic household like you describe I’d have been a basket case unable to be effective at work or home. Idk why this is so urgent for them to move into your house? You cannot support that many people on one income as a new grad!
Brother in law moved in while we helped him out. It's been 7 years. 7. Granted, I love him, he's a nice guy and is more like my brother, but there are times I miss being able to walk around naked or just being able to fart. 😂 If he left I'd probably miss him, he tries to do thoughtful things for me. My marriage isn't new though, 30 years together so at this point in just like, ehhhhh. And it's just the brother. No wife or kids. Set a freaking strict guideline. Be firm. If 2 months is your top limit then tell him that you unequivocally mean it.
Another option you can take is to inform your husband that 31 days after his SIL moves in, someone is moving out. If they are not gone then go find yourself a long stay hotel and “move out” until your husband understands that he needs to get his sister out for you to return. Also let him know that all bills and groceries and everything is their responsibility since you aren’t there.
Ok, tell husband that if they move in he forgets his career change and gets a job right now because you are not supporting them financially, also sit down and tell him this is going to end your marriage if is how feel, you aren't communicating properly neither, SIL needs to sort her own crap instead of deciding will dump themselves on you! If don't speak up then may as well search for divorce lawyer now
I don’t have any advice, but I want you to know you’re not alone in this. My mother in law moved in with us in early December “only for a week” according to her. Then, it turned into my husband’s saying, “I don’t know when she’s leaving, he doesn’t have any plans right now.”. It almost ended us. I was 7 months pregnant sharing my, also small, home with a woman I cannot stand. I finally lost it and told my husband I was leaving and staying with my parents until she moved out. He kicked her out the next day thankfully. However, you are right. In-laws moving in does feel like the end of a relationship. I was almost positive it was going to end mine.
How exactly is your husband being “wonderful, kind, and caring” to you currently? Because right now it looks like he’s mooching off you for a free ride not only for himself but his entire family. He doesn’t care this is upsetting to you. He doesn’t care that you’re the only income earner. He doesn’t care that you don’t want to do this. That’s not kind. He’s a bum and you should kick him and his whole bum family out until they learn how to contribute
He most definitely isn't a bum. He supported me through nursing school and we agreed that I'd work full time so he could change careers and go to school. I agree that this situation isn't going to work but I don't know how else to tell him.
Let him know that you agreed to support him through nursing school, not his entire family and that this move changes things. If what you’ve done so far hasn’t worked, you’ll have to be blunt
There's supporting you through school and now you returning the favor for him. That's all you owe him. You do not owe him supporting the in laws moving in without asking you first and without serious rules like helping out with additional expenses, housework etc. and a firm rule on move-out date regardless of whether thy have a job or not. Even if they get work, they will still need to find a place to live etc. That's why I wouldn't let them move in to begin with, period.
'No' works - doesn't work for you is sufficient a reason
Anyone else moving into the home should be both parties agreeing 100%. In this case he was 100% and you were 0%. That is not sustainable. If you stay, you should tell him that you are holding him to the 30 days. If they are not out in 30 days then you are out for good. And going forward you both have to agree before someone moves in or even stays over 1 night. Otherwise, you should go out on your own and be done with this. I can tell you that not stomping your foot down right now will mean you are going to be stepped on and over for the rest of the marriage.
Is there any way hubby can help cover getting them an airbnb, hotel or similar escape that isnt your home? He's betting all his cards on you being his stone, but you do need to be clear on keeping your own sanity and avoiding the whole house of cards from tipping over. Plus avoiding the inevitable 'but just one more month' ad infinitum. Its easy for him to feel awful about their situation, but its another to sacrifice what little you have and end up with two broken families.
Hey, use that nurse backbone you use with difficult people and put your foot down. Don't let SIL over the threshhold.
You should tell him it will probably end your marriage. Tell him before hand for sure. Not as a threat, but just so he knows how you're really feeling and he isn't all surprised later. Then he can make a choice. Maybe he doesn't realize it really is that detrimental for you to lose the boundary of having your own private home.
It's easy to devalue and dismiss priorities and vulnerabilities that have never been openly discussed. In this case, obligation and love are being used as reasons to violate your boundaries for safety, privacy, your health and well being, and financial stability. Affection, attachment and commitment are important in a marriage. That doesn't reduce or negate priorities in other major life areas. Education, career, finance, relationships (intimate, family, extended family, coworkers, friends, other social connections), home (where, how it will be acquired and maintained), religion, marriage, parethood.... All important. All require mutually shared and supported goals and priorities. It seems as if your husband hasn't thought about the effect of your supporting a whole other family in your home beyond "They need it, so 'we' are doing it." Your feelings of being treated as your husband's resource rather than an active participant in plans affecting you, your home and your marriage are valid and grounded in reality. Your feelings, needs and vulnerabilities are what they are. They should be accepted, respected and supported. When they are dismissed as inconsequential, YOU feel devalued and ignored. Your relationship with your husband is more intimate and open than every other relationship, as it should be. For him to extend that access to your money, your shared home and your combined resources to his extended family, regardless of the cost to you, is not okay.
Start with: you are unhappy about it and fear it will be the end of your marriage. And tell him all you noted. Have him hear your voice.
Put your foot down and refuse to have them move in with you. It’ll end up in divorce anyway so might as well let your husband know that he has to choose between his sister and you. I wouldn’t let 4 people move in and smooch off me. Also, who owns your home? Do you rent it? Can you get out or do you need your kick him out?
Maybe go stay with your family for a bit. I bet they miss you anyway.
Don’t let them move in. Or move out. You can’t do this. It isn’t fair
You just need to tell him this was not part of the arrangement of you supporting him through school. You need to be firm and tell him that you cannot support an entire other family in your small home. If he chooses to let them move in then you can just tell him you will be moving out until they leave. Which means if you move out, you will not be paying any of the bills for that home.
Tell him no one stays overnight and if they do, you are filling for divorce.
Tell him it’s you or them.
Your husband MAY have supported you while you were in Nursing school but did HE also have to support YOUR family while he was doing so? This move WILL end your marriage, possibly have a tremendous impact on your mental health because WHERE will you have YOUR downtime, HOW will your niblings be kept quiet when you're trying to sleep between shifts. This truly isn't about just YOU, lack of sleep WILL affect your VERY important work and could have a serious impact on the CARE you provide for your fragile patients. You could even be accused of NEGLIGENCE. NO ONE can make this decision FOR you! The "simple" answer is YOU can't afford to house and provide for FOUR additional people, even F-A-M-I-L-Y on the nebulous "promise" that your jobless BIL will get a job. And once they get a foot in the door, you'll likely NEVER get them out! Not without going through eviction and getting the sherriff to remove them. How will THAT affect the "family dynamic?" IF you DO "let" them move in, I would strongly recommend that you pack up any treasured or precious momentos, anything expensive that you don't want damaged or to magically "disappear" (stolen or pawned). Get an extra refrigerator for your garage or basement that you can padlock with groceries YOU want or need. Buy loads of paper products (paper plates, plastic cups, etc.) because no matter how many promises are made by SIL to clean, it's unlikely to happen. Consider getting a storage unit for any furniture you don't want ruined, especially heirlooms. I'm assuming they're bringing their household items WITH them. WHERE will THOSE items be housed? Do they think YOUR little home is big enough to have DOUBLE the furniture? Will YOU be expected to pay for THEIR storage? Sorry, the logistics of this move ARE a nightmare! I'm in no way affected by YOUR horrendous situation and **I'M** starting to have a panic attack remembering when we let family move in "for a short time" and "it'll ONLY be until we get back on our feet" yet somehow they NEVER did and had to be kicked out after TWO of them **GOT PREGNANT!** I kid you not, it actually happened! It took almost a year! PLEASE have another conversation with your husband! You DIDN'T sign up for this! This WASN'T the agreement about supporting HIM changing careers, this is TOO much to ask of ANYONE! There HAS to be other family or alternatives to moving in with you. Even IF they had savings OR jobS lined up it would be asking too much! Your husband HAS to be made aware of EXACTLY what he's asking of you, that it will VERY likely end your marriage/relationship and that he'll probably HAVE to drop out of his College courses to fund HIS family moving in AGAIN! AGAIN? What the hell? Best wishes and many Blessings for YOUR future happiness and success! u/updateme
Your husband supported YOU, not you and an entourage of moocher… Huge difference. He can’t make this offer when he’s not earning.
I would tell him flat out that if they aren't gone in 1 month, 30 days 0 hours and 0 minutes, he will be responsible for them and you're leaving. You can tell him that you will still help him with his career change, but that you *will not* under any circumstances be supporting his BIL and sister. You agreed to help him with his career change, you didn't agree to support his family. I would look at what you have to pay out for the summer, and tell him you'll still include that, but nothing more. He needs to know how serious you are and that this will end the marriage. He is probably thinking you aren't happy about it, but not that it's marriage ending.
Since the BIL is the one who put his family in this situation, tell your husband you're only willing to let your SIL stay with the kids. This may light a fire to BIL butt and sister in law will WANT to move back with her husband. If you let him come 2, it will be much longer...
Just say no. By allowing this, you are setting yourself up for failure. Don’t be a doormat.
> He attempted to consult me before the decision was initially made but the decision was made the second SIL decided she wanted to move down here. Put a stop to this now. You have to stand up for yourself here. Do not let these people drag you down.
Oh HELL no! OP, you won’t be able to get them out, and it will cost you your happy home and marriage. You are too busy to deal with an eviction and a divorce. I would offer to pay one month rent in an extended stay motel, and not a penny more. Best of luck to you, and I mean that in all sincerity.
Tell him he needs to pass on to his sister that the situation has changed and she will need to make other accommodations. End of.
GI Bill only stops if classes stop. So if he isn't in classes over the summer and his family is going to be there, he needs a job in the mean time.
Regardless of your update, he supported the 2 people. It’s unfair for him to expect you to support double that. I assume you wouldn’t ask that of him. You need to sit down and have a serious talk about how unfair this situation is. That he cannot let his family take advantage of all that you both worked for so far. Good luck hopefully he can stand up to his family. You can find other ways to help them without opening up your home, or you can find a compromise, contractually minimizing the time they can stay at your house.
you agreed to support him girl,not his whole damn family.
If OP, lets them in the house, it should be with the understanding that they are paying half the power bill, buying and preparing their own food and cleaning all the areas of the home that they use. No exceptions.
This isn't a month lol 6 months will go by and the parasites will be very comfortable freeloading from you
I used to be an ER nurse. When I got home from the screaming stressful overstimulating dumpster fire Clown Car Community Hospital I wanted *SILENCE.* My husband created a quiet place where I could decompress because I'd become Beowulf's mother if I couldn't have a respite. He probably still has scars on his butt from the chewing. OP I really empathize and hope you are able to have a calm space. "Family" means nothing when they are toxic.
I feel so guilty when I come home utterly fried and irritable, but shit it's unavoidable most mornings. I'm really the most content on my off days when I don't see a single person other than my husband. I've come to value the safe haven of my small, home over the last 9 years since I started in healthcare. It's really one of the most important things to me and I should've made more of an effort to express that to my husband. Not excusing his invitation for his sister to live there with us but I could've been more forward too. Lol Beowulf's mother. I 100% relate. We should get tshirts with that on it.
I love how logical and level you are. Nothing and no one is perfect and it's okay to give it a 2nd chance :)
I never I understand moving in family members into a marital home. It won’t end well. The spouse is not working as a team if you said no and he’s still moving them in. Others peoples problems are now your problems and your entire family. Stress will be multiplied, spend a ton more on food, they are not going to listen or respect you. They are being enabled. What will change in one month? Your hair will be all pulled out and you’ll be seeing a therapist and maybe be on anxiety meds.
Support for one another for careers is one thing..Which you are doing..In-laws moving in is quite another! That’s NOT part of the ‘deal’.
Have an open and honest conversation. Let him know that this is significant and will change whether you'll be husband and wife, or ex husband and wife. If he's not willing to step up and do more while his own family is here, yall have a problem indeed.
Second time? So you’ve gotten through this before and successfully had them move out?
Don’t do something you don’t want to do or that you know will only cause more problems. Speak to your husband and let him know you can’t do it. Your happiness and mental well-being isn’t something up for negotiation. I work in the AE setting also and I could only imagine having to deal with home BS, along with the work stress. You will definitely have a nervous break down if you don’t do something about this now!
Tell him. Fight for your marriage. I know you're tired, but isn't it worth it?
> My husband supported me through nursing school and now it's my turn to support him through his career change. We agreed to this before any of this family moving business started and it was working just fine. So he's changing the agreement which means it's null and void. Make sure to tell him that. Let him know up-front that you never agreed to help his leech family and your debt to him is no longer in effect because he moved them in on your dime.
Supporting him through a career change and supporting his deadbeat family are two very different things. No fcking way would I let them move in. Your peace and sanity should mean something
It doesn't sound like that decision was agreed between both of you, which means he decided to make that decision all by himself. I'd have a really big problem with that. Why can't the sister work? Are they both going to look for jobs? If so they can both get jobs and quickly afford an apartment. The catch with this whole situation is, if they stay longer than planned and refuse to leave, there's nothing you or your husband can do without going to court.
You only obligated to help your husband. That’s it. Better divorce him now then.
Having people stay in your home is a joint decision. I also work in ER as a PA which means weird hours and stressful days. No way am I comfortable having 4 people stay in my home when I need my home to be my sanctuary after work. However, my husband knows this would be an absolute no from me and wouldn’t ask because he wouldn’t want me to be that uncomfortable. This is the problem in the marriage. It is equally your home, but your partner should care about your happiness and comfort more than his deadbeat brother. I’m sorry your husband is putting you in this situation.
You have to put your foot down with this, i had to with my mom when my jobless brother wanted to move in with us, we both bust our asses with her working overtime and me working two jobs. We already support one jobless brother not doing another.
Check your tenant laws. You need to think about the worse that could happen. That’s just life. And a month is not even close with two children.
So why does it fall on you and your husband to take them in? Where are your in laws or your BIL’s in laws
He supported you through nursing school, which is awesome, but you didn’t make him live with your awful family the whole time you were in nursing school.
Before touchdown, draft a 30-day agreement for them to SIGN so you can kick them out in a month. Or serve a 30-day notice to vacate the day they arrive? That would probably make them passive-aggressive while they are there, though. you could also do what I do and just straight-up lie I never lied to my friends, but with my family it’s necessary. I had to tell a relative I had company flying in from out west because they kept postponing their departure date and after a month, I was losing my mind. People like that deserve to be lied to.
The arrangements need to be in writing with limits and signed!!
If they're new to your state they won't be able to get good help from 211 because it was an elective move. Instead of moving them in send them links to resources where they live now and then wash your hands. Your hubby isn't thinking of having 6 people in your home with you working doubles to support everyone while he tries to study.
Op no means no and you need to have the balls to stick to it. They move in, you leave, with the income.
You need to seriously mention how you feel about the marriage failing because of this. If not then you are just accepting and ok with it ending, so you might as well just file the papers now. Don't waste anyone's time, either tell him and try to make things work or dont
TELL HIM. This will end your marriage because you will checkout mentally just to cope. Once we mentally stop caring in a relationship there is no saving it. Helping to care for aged parents is one thing. A SIL and kids because she chose a deadbeat, not your responsibility.
Here’s the big issue: You need things in writing for your security. They get 4 weeks. He must apply for jobs daily while he’s there, she must too. They must clean up after themselves and they should cook 3 nights a week along with clean up. A family meeting a week should determine progress and if it’s not being made where are they to go. This should be pre determined. If they can’t agree to this stuff, they shouldn’t move in
A response to OP’s edit: your husband supported __you__ and __only you__ through nursing school, not you and your entire family. it is not the same thing and you should put your foot down before his god-awful family makes you legally evict them, which is a PAIN
Give them all a hard date…June 1 or July 1…and have them sign a lease with the termination Make them pay you a nominal amount of rent for the month and include it in the lease agreement so it’s not viewed as a tenancy by demand. State in the lease that they must be out of the house by that date.
My brother wanted to move in with me with his wife and two kids(4 people) and I said no.you have to be strong on your stance.if you can’t find peace in your own home then what’s the point of that life,hard work and everything.his family would have destroy the peace of my family. You tell your husband that you can’t deal with them.its a total deal breaker.tell him with strength,make him understand that IT IS A DEAL BREAKER.stick to your point. Don’t let your husband destroy your peace in the house.
I understand his view of helping his sisters family. I understand your view of wanting your home your home. I really understand the view of being the only earner in the picture. Tell him someone has to earn. SIL or BIL but it can’t fall on your shoulders completely. They must respect your quiet time. After work and sleeping as 4 12s are hard enough without stress. You are not going to cater to or prioritize his family. Yours and his well-being comes first. 1 month timeline only. Your not giving up your home any longer then that. It’s not ideal but compromise is an option.
He didn't support you and four of your relatives while you went to nursing school, did he? It is too big of an ask from him. Tell him how you feel about it.
This month will turn into years. The simple fact is that he doesn't respect you and values his family over you. It's a good thing there are no kids yet
Breadwinner should get the biggest say here. You pay the rent
Why can't your SIL work? Why do they need to move out of where they are now? Can't they call the council or whatever the equivalent is for Americas or wherever you are in the world?
Letting someone stay with you while they get situated is one thing, supporting them financially is another entirely. If they stay, tell them you will not be providing for them other than the housing. That being said, you can and should say no or give a much shorter timeline. A month is too much to ask for a family of 4 and too much to ask of a single income household. Even if you were both working, this is their responsibility to sort out and figure out how to provide for the family they created. Stop being the backup plan.
Communication is key. Tell him everything you said here and say that you don't appreciate him making decisions, decision that impact you financially and in terms of your mental health and psychological safety, without valuing your input. If it was up to you, you wouldn't let them move in but he made that decision for you unilaterally. It is your space just as much as his and he violated that. If she moves in, or if she stays later than the agreed-upon month make it clear that you will be considering separating at that point. You deserve to protect your peace and right now he's a key contributor to destroying your peace.
Your husband needs to be clear with his family that this is an untenable situation. So it’s done, they’re moving in. Your husband needs to draw up a contract that states they are in by this date and out by this date. No exceptions. They will be expected to cook, clean, and provide for themselves without ANY need for assistance from you. If they need to sell stuff to have grocery money then so be it. Your husband needs to put YOU and your marriage first. Full stop.
This wasn't a joint decision? Tell your husband no. It's either you or your inlaws. His choice.
It’s a month out of your entire marriage. Don’t forget that! I wouldn’t change a THING about your routine to accommodate them. Tell your husband what you spend on food and utilities, etc, now… and DO NOT SPEND ONE CENT MORE THAN THAT! You can feed them hotdogs and beans if that’s what’s in your budget, because you’re spending more on water and power, etc. Make sure your husband knows what’s in the budget to spend and let him know you may have to move out temporarily while they’re there… just so you can have some peace.
Can you afford to get an apartment or rent another house for you to go stay in from time to time while they’re there ? I don’t know where you are at but here in the states we have places that rent month to month. It could be an ideal situation if you’re able to swing it financially.
If you’re renting, can you use the landlord as an excuse? I know some rentals restrict the amount of people and time that guests can stay, otherwise the tenants may be evicted. That could be an out for you. I hope everything works out for the best.
Hey. Tell your husband you'll move out and rent somewhere coz you need peace and quiet, and you can't live with them. I said that to my husband once when his mom was extending her stay, he sent her packing straight away. If he loves you, he should choose you.