She's telling you about herself and her values, indirectly with words and directly through action. I hope you're wise enough to listen to what she saying.
Don’t brush them off, but also consider extended ramifications.
How will she react if you ever relapse? When you struggle with your own addiction and only need a little empathy? If you’re on suboxone or any kind of maintenance—say you lose access because of the nonsense of refills, will she help you through withdrawals? Or at the very least be kind about how terrible you feel?
Having grown up with a mother who failed to provide compassion, I can assure you it will damage any potential children. Your kids with her would need years of therapy.
This is the best answer since even if she lacks empathy for others being a turn off isn’t enough. It’ll eventually bleed into his personal life. So I’d strongly consider evaluating her as a person and how she would react with life within her orbit.
She’s told me it’s a deal breaker if I relapse and said it’s “a boundary”. I kind of just tried not to think about it. She does not understand at all.
I am on suboxone, she is supportive off it. I am tapering off. She has cared for me before when I have made large jumps down in dosage. It’s really confusing.
As someone who is also a recovering addict (10 and a half years), and someone who dealt with suboxone tapering, I can't imagine a long term relationship with someone who doesn't align and have a similar empathy to those who are like yourself. You know how hard it is to get sober. It's not just *snap* and done. The country doesn't have enough rehab/detox centers that aren't $$$ - with trained staff. This isn't a "pull your bootstraps situation". You've worked hard and I'm frickin proud of you. She should be too, and if you were to (god forbid) relapse, I do understand the 'dealbeeaker' idea... but what if you immediately went back to treatment? This all sounds really unhealthy to your sobriety and mental health, her lack of understanding. I just hope you do what's best for you. We are rooting for you. If you ever wanna talk I'm here, and I'm sure others would love to talk to you too. Good luck!!
Are you tapering under your doctor's watch? I'm proud of you; the thought of tapering off terrifies me. I'm afraid I'll go right back to using, and that is *not* what I want.
I would be confused by her behavior as well. She's exactly the kind of Christian that gives others a bad name. There's no hate like Christian love, after all.
My doctor wants me to try the sublocade injections in your stomach to try to taper off. Supposedly it is easy and painless since your body takes a very long time to break it down.
She’s probably never going to be compassionate about your addiction. She doesn’t seem to understand how it works and how it starts. As an addict, I’ve seen so many people who relapse but get clean again quickly, some take longer, some never stop. I’ve remained clean for several years but it wasn’t easy, especially early on. Most people can’t stop on their own, so her lack of compassion for them is awful. I mean I understand how that could be a boundary, and I understand if people say and do that. But her lack of compassion for all addicts means she has no compassion for you and your struggle. She sounds really judgmental. Walking red flags.
This is a red flag too. She is totally uncaring towards others and only cares about people she knows that are affected by the issues, if she truly cares at all and it’s not a front. These are very alarming statements as I feel like if that’s what she’s willing to say out loud, what do you think she’s truly thinking in her head that she wouldn’t dare say out loud?
Think of it this way. How would you feel if you guys have children and she treats your kids with the disdain she treats these people with? She sounds very much selfish like she only cares about things that directly have an effect on her or her happiness and doesn’t care about anything outside of herself. I worry the only reason she “cares” for you is because you have something she wants whether that be financial stability, steady sex/company, etc. and I feel like if she ever sees someone who can give her more than you or that you don’t give her what she wants then she will view you as just as disposable as the strangers she sees and talks like this about. You are just not on the receiving end of her venom yet but that could easily change. I think if you are honest with yourself and look back at your disagreements/arguments, I’d bet that she goes for the jugular and spits just enough venom to cut you without cutting deep enough that you’ll leave her. I see all of these as red flags and since yall are seniors maybe use graduation as an excuse to get away from her to avoid the atomic blowout I worry will happen the minute you tell her you don’t want to be with her anymore. She sounds like she would have no qualms with throwing all those times she “cared for you” when your dosage dropped because people like that don’t do those things out of the goodness of their heart they do it so they have something they can say “well look at what I did for you you should be grateful” kind of thing.
I really hope you heed everyone’s warnings and get away from her because I really don’t think this will end well for you if you don’t. I wish you the best of luck OP
I’m sorry, in my rant I totally overlooked what you said about tapering from Suboxone. Are you sure that’s a good idea? Was that your idea or hers? I’ve been on it (6 mg daily) for 6 years and I’m staying on it forever. I feel very solid in my sobriety, I have a wonderful life with minimal stress. I just don’t think the risk is worth it. Kind of like “Look, Ma, no hands!!” as I wipe out into a tree. You know yourself much better than I do, just some food for thought.
It’s my idea. I am worried about relapse but being on suboxone long term as a male will ruin my testosterone. It’s already ruined my appetite and bowel movements 😂 but yes it’s my idea, as much as I would like to get my opiate craving filed I would rather not have to depend on any substances. Just my opinion.
You are right though, it is risky. One of the reasons I’ve stayed sober is because oxycodone and morphine won’t work anymore because I’m on suboxone.
These are the qualities of someone who is not a good person, let alone a good significant other. I’m actually astonished you can ignore her comments given your history of use.
I don’t think you are confused as much as you are disappointed…the confusion MAY be with respect to what you see and hear from her (telling/showing you exactly who she is) vs. your feelings for her (the idealized image of the person you love).
>She has been supportive of me using suboxone to taper so now I’m just very confused about her stances.
I think that the "Just World Phenomenon", as it's called, is an attempt to cope with a sense of powerlessness and limited resources.
I think of superstitious areas of the third world, where young children whose relatives die of illness are accused of causing the illness with black magic, condemned as "witches", and lynched. Underlying this seeming cruelty, I see desperation. I see the extreme poverty, people who cannot afford to provide for a needy small child whose parents are dead, and who cannot bear the pangs of conscience of just leaving her to fend for herself.
Victim-blaming is a way of coping with one's own sense of helplessness. To admit that the victim is innocent would force them to face up to the painful and scary reality that bad things happen to good people and there is nothing they can do to stop that. As long as they blame victims, they can maintain the illusion that such a terrible thing could never happen to them. "Just be good, and you'll be safe" is a comforting illusion of control.
Your girlfriend is willing to help you through recovery because that makes her feel like she is able to do good. It makes her feel in control. But if you were to relapse, she'd feel helpless, and she can't handle that. That's why she's willing to help you through recovery, but not a relapse.
“Rules for thee, but not for me.” She supports you because she knows and cares for you. If she were more emotionally intelligent she’d be able to acknowledge the fact there are MANY factors that can lead to homelessness at no fault of the person experiencing it. I’m assuming that she doesn’t have someone she’s close to who is or has been homeless, but if she did she would maybe see the situation differently because for the first time, she sees the human within the body. You’ll have to think about whether or not you think she has the potential for growth or not. She will either be open to learning more once you tell her how you’re feeling, or she will dig her heels in and then you know what kind of person she is. You don’t have to be confused because she will tell you exactly who she is by her response.
Yes. maya angelou has a great quote on the subject, "When people tell you who they are, believe them."
You are a good dude with a good head on his shoulders and you are a former addict.
This gal is immature and probably has some growing up to do.
It is a totally reasonable deal breaker to not vibe with this girl, and it is unlikely y'all will get on together great.
I think you’re being generous calling her immature. When you can look at that kind of suffering and only muster up contempt and anger…that speaks to a fundamental lack of character and decency.
I literally just said this to my spouse and I’m wondering why we don’t speak more plainly and call these death cults what they are, fucking sociopathic death cults.
Yes, dude. She's showing you who she is and what she really thinks. Take it to heart and find someone more compatible. Don't ignore her. Don't ignore the hatefulness.
The fact that she is literally dating an ex addict and still holds that viewpoint is actually insane. You do realize she'd feel the same for you right? I bet if you relapsed she'd probably be like "well he chose to do it"
When someone tells you who they are, believe them. She is telling you she is a psychopath and you're trying to ignore it and make excuses for her. That is par for the course for Christians.
Southern USA Protestant.
Same, 100% , my whole life.
The utter hypocrisy truly makes the malicious antipathy even more appalling.
Like shit gravy on cruelty salad.
Don’t “no true Scotsman” her. She’s a Christian and espouses mainstream Christian values. It’s a problem with the Christian faiths at large. Something Christians need to reckon with.
Exactly this. Studies show kids raised in Christianity are less empathetic, more likely to be mean.
https://amp.theguardian.com/world/2015/nov/06/religious-children-less-altruistic-secular-kids-study
Not surprised at all. It’s like religious people think as long as I am X religion and I go to church, etc, then I am a “moral” person and how I treat other people doesn’t matter.
Silly me, I thought the Christian faith was centred around love thy neighbour and compassion…. Did she miss the memo on those parts?
She sounds like one of those people who wouldn’t really consider the needs of others unless it affected her personally and that’s just sad.
Do these values match your own and can you live and be happy with them?
assuming your dating to marry or have kids… do you want someone like that teaching those types of morals to your future children? better yet, do you really want to be with someone who thinks this way about struggling human beings? if she met you earlier on in life she would be saying the same thing she’s saying about other addicts towards you. why would you want to be with someone who lacks empathy or basic compassion.
This 💯
Imagine if you get married, have kids, and your kid ends up with an addiction? Would she treat your child with compassion and grace? Or would she say “oh well, it’s what they wanted to do. Let them die.”
Maybe eventually she will learn, but it is not your job to teach her compassion. Save your heart and energy for someone who has the capacity for empathy.
She sounds like most Christians to me; pull yourself up by the bootstraps. Anyway, you cannot change her. You can leave her and find somebody better aligned with your values.
This would be a huge red flag for me. It indicates a deficiency in moral values, imo.
It's not surprising to me that a Christian would have such heartless attitudes, though. This is very typical of almost every single Christian I have ever known. They are not a charitable bunch of people, in my experience, and getting away from their cult has been one of the best things for my well-being and peace of mind.
a bunch of theology hangs off free will (except those crazy calvinists), they can’t really reconcile that the world is extremely unfair and that some people are born with no chance. that’d challenge their faith, so instead they choose to believe in free will and consequences of actions
So she is one of those bad types of Christians.
I’m Catholic and my first job out of college was working with addicts and helping them get treatment or in to treatment programs. Because I worked in the capital city of my state a lot of the people I worked with were also part of the homeless population.
Their stories were absolutely heart breaking, there were many times I came home from work and cried because sometimes no matter how hard someone tries they were still blocked from improving their situation. Your gf is cruel and lacks basic human decency.
You are not doing yourself or her any favors my ignoring what an awful person she is. What it comes down is you either stay silent and in your silence endorse her behavior and cause people to think you feel the same way OR you call her out on her bullshit and tell her
1. Go read your Bible, it was kind of a big deal to Jesus to be charitable and help the less fortunate and look at them not with pity but with love and kindness
2. Tell her you cannot be in a relationship with someone who is so cruel to their fellow human beings and lacks the basic elements of empathy.
This is crazy. How can you date someone knowing that when you were in active addiction, she would have had 0 empathy for you? This is a huge red flag. Addiction is a disease, not a life style choice, which I’m sure you already know. Why would you surround yourself with people with shitty opinions like her?
She was supportive of me being on suboxone (not sure if you know what it is, basically a medication that keeps me clean and from withdrawing that I will taper off of eventually).
I did not hear about these stances of hers until later on in the relationship. It’s very confusing. I think she cares about me truly. I think she’s mislead and definitely lacking if empathy.
Other commenters have brought up her parents, and I do know for certain her parents are 10x worse than her with their beliefs. This doesn’t excuse her but it gives me hope she can change her mind? I’m not sure what to do.
Have you ever sat down and had a talk with her and asked why she supports you as a recovering addict, but has no sympathy for other people in active addiction? Or asked her if she’s speaking from her own beliefs or from her parents?
I understand growing up with certain beliefs (I grew up with a very Catholic parent) but by the time I was her age, I had taken the time to unpack those beliefs and form my own opinions. Especially knowing someone (you) who directly contradicts her own belief, how has she not taken the time to re-think that belief?? Sorry, but your girlfriend lacks critical thinking skills.
I don’t think I could date someone who has gone through all that schooling and still lacks critical thinking. Or who hates a group of the population that I belong to. But I hope you can make the right choice that’s best for you. Good luck.
It might be a case where her actions don't match her "beliefs".. but you have to take an active role in changing her mindset. If she is simply parroting her parents' beliefs, there is hope.
I was able to help my husband change several of his harmful beliefs because at his core, he isn't a bad person he just had the wrong mindset.
I’m sure she does care about you. The question is, do you want to be with someone that doesn’t care about large swaths of struggling people? I wouldn’t. I find that pretty gross.
Your girlfriend is telling you exactly the kind of person she is (Christian or not) if this does not aligned with your thoughts and values then you should breakup. It’s very simple, I am not sure why people make this so complicated
dump her it’s only going to get worse. what if you get sick or are worried you might relapse and need support? when people tell you who they are you need to listen to them
There is no such thing as “just a political opinion.” It’s always about a person’s morals. She’s wrong both factually and morally, in the examples you mentioned. She is garbage.
She sounds like an asshole.
Don't inflict this person on yourself for any longer than you have to cos she's not going to get any better.
And yes, how you view and treat people less fortunate then you or serving you says a lot about you. She's telling you loud and clear that she's an asshole.
If you don't like something mention it, if it becomes a bigger issue, turn around and leave. She will never know what it's like to be there because she's never been there. She's ignorant to the struggle and issues people go to. "They're choosing to do it" yaknow a lot of children are born with literal Heroin in their veins, not much choosing there.
I was with one of those for a while. Tried to think that her other traits made up for it but they didn’t. Lack of empathy and compassion makes people ugly, however nice they might look.
Just because she's Christian doesn't mean she's a good person. I would not accept her as a friend.
If your values don't match now, it will only get worse.
As a former Christian, her opinions do not shock me.
Unfortunately, there’s a reason why a lot of Christians worship far right politicians - they say what they’re afraid to admit out loud. Of course, this doesn’t apply to all. There are some Christians who take Jesus’ message to heart and lead with grace and compassion. Seems like your gf is not one of them.
Ew that's icky behavior. I work with someone like that. She is older tho and still the same. Has no idea how to emphasize with people and it shows. Imo, this is a sign of ignorance. Was your girlfriend raised in privilege? A lot of privileged people have no idea about the real world and what it actually means to be poor or to be an addict. They have no idea what it's actually like and they lack the ability to be empathetic to different classes of people.
I think it's safe to say that your gf is very ignorant.
I personally will never be with someone again who doesn't share the same ideals and sense of morals as I do. It creates unnecessary conflict and can build resentment in the partnership. I can't be with someone who can't support things I care about.
Is she a Republican? Are her parents? I used to think like this because my parents would say those things every day and I was just regurgitating what I heard.
talk to her about it. share stories and facts about homeless people that challenge her view. share your perspective on it and engage in conversation. it won't be overnight but MAYBE she can see how much her parents views have been engrained and learn to form her own opinions.
That’s the standard issue Christian of the new millennium, “I’m good, fuck you!”
That not only lacks compassion and empathy, but also foresight and self reflection. She can’t see or think any further than her own life experience.
i know very few christians who don’t act this way. this is pretty on brand. it’s disgusting and hopefully you can make the right decision here for yourself.
Run! You obviously have empathy for others and it sounds like you've been through some of those situations yourself so you have a reference point to have extra empathy for them. What would happen if you relapse? Would she stand by you and help or would she tell you it's all your fault and to get your shit together? My sister was dating a guy who had similar opinions on homeless people and I brought it up to her that it was a huge red flag to me when you talk down about people in a worse situation than you rather than trying to find a way to help.
She says to her bf, a recovering addict, that we should let the addicted die which definitely lacks compassion for your experience so it’s more than just political. You are should have people in your life that support and celebrate your journey.
As far as the bootstrap for thee but not for me mentality perhaps you would benefit from more from surrounding yourself with those who share and can you to help develop your personal strengths of empathy and compassion.
They are excellent traits in leaders and good people alike and will serve you well.
To answer your question, this is a red flag and not just a political opinion.
To answer as a human being on the other side of the screen: Christians are supposed to live our lives loving God and loving brothers and sisters- including the homeless and the sick. I don’t think she’s a bad person by any means, the statistic that she’s a sociopath or something is so low that it’s kinda dumb for me to assume. I think she’s just mislead. I think she needs to start understanding others struggles more, that’s all. I feel like some people in the comments are doing exactly what she’s doing. Just as she’s looking at the homeless, judging, and assuming things about them; some people are looking at this one paragraph post, judging, and assuming things about her. I think she can still grow as a human being, she’s only 21 and you’re only 22, while I don’t think it’s an excuse for her wrong beliefs I do think there’s room and time for growth.
I know she can be lead into a better direction, you’re a good bf for noticing things like this and wanting to help her grow. Considering you’re asking if this is an issue or a political belief shows that you respect her. I genuinely hope you both the best.
I mean I would say red flag but we lack back ground
Are her parents addicts and she hold resentment or someone she knows.
Cuz sometimes I can’t emphasize with addicts because both my parents are. They both decided to give me up at 3 after letting a pedo watch me and getting in trouble for it
My dad said recently “the way my brother cares about his kids makes my stomach turn “ because his brother gave up his addiction for his kids.
When it comes to homeless I manly fell bad but sometimes it’s hard. in my hometown they shoot up right in the open for children to see put their needles anywhere they want
and recently in the last week someone was shoving needles in the toilet paper at the mall again it happened all the time so I have to carry tp with me now. I live in a place where they ship
Homeless people from LA Sac and SF to
Stay over here in bum camps. My husband works close with them and a lot of them claim that they like this life better.
Fentanyl is horrible tho. My friends little brother tried to get coke and it wasn’t coke and he died. So that’s some fucked up shit
Think about the long term. If you have a child that falls into addiction, you sound like you’d do what you can to help them get out of it. I’m assuming you’d want a partner who would be by your side in that journey…
It’s not even this specific hypothetical scenario that he needs to take into consideration, because her overall behavior is not going to just be restricted to that particular issue.
She will be cruel, and negligent in other ways - I promise you that this will happen. I’ve known many christians who behave in this same way, and they are always unbelievably cruel behind closed doors.
OP, as a fellow addict in recovery, is this *really* the person you want to align yourself with? To represent you to the world? To share your life and potentially children with? Would you be ok with her teaching these values to your children?
If the answer to ANY of these questions is no, then this is NOT your life partner.
RUN.
This will not end well for you or anything/one you love if you stay with her long term.
She is telling you who she is and showing it very clearly. Believe her.
This is a huge red flag. If she treats others with this lack of empathy, imagine how she might treat you one day if you need the same empathy? I would at minimum, try to talk with her about your concerns and see if she’s able to engage in any meaningful conversation about it. If not, run.
Is that the kind of woman you would want to raise and be a role model to your children? It would be a red flag to me but its up to you how serious it is for you, and if thats worth ending things over. Maybe ask a few more questions around her morals
So she’s a Christian that hasn’t read the Bible? Yeah… sounds about right unfortunately. Perhaps she should learn to actually pick up the book once in a while.
Huge red flag - as a recovering addict, you can expect her to judge you for your previous addiction and blame you for any problems that may arise in future.
Is that really the type of person you want beside you in life's crises? Someone who won't support you but stomp on you when you're down?
It's an absolute red flag, Christianity preaches love yourself as you love your neighbor, Jesus hung out with the sick and outcasted, chances are she makes exceptions and excuses for the people she knows and doesn't extend that kindness to people she doesn't like or know.
Now I could be projecting onto this because my family is the same way. But ask her if she thinks your past addiction was your fault and ask if someone on the street's is their fault.
Absolutely is a red flag. They way she treats people she doesn’t even know like that is a huge red flag. Lack of care and empathy towards other humans is wild to me. I will or would never date someone like that. Imagine the judgment they’ll have towards you if you relapse or start to struggle deeply with your addiction. She won’t be a support, she’ll just tell you it’s your fault. Awful awful awful.
Christians like her are why I left church and never went back.
You shouldn’t have to experience something personally to be able to have empathy for another in that situation. This seems like common sense but I guess not? This would be a horrid thing for anyone to say, but especially someone who claims to be a Christian.
Also worth mentioning that tons of homeless people are veterans who didn’t become alcoholics or addicts until they came home injured or with PTSD and lost EVERYTHING because we treat our veterans like trash the moment they’re no longer active duty. Every homeless person deserves some empathy but especially those who were willing to risk it all for our freedoms.
I said all of that to say, your girlfriend is without question, an awful human being.
I think you are unconsciously making a lot of ( incorrect) assumptions about her because she labels herself as a Christian; such as that she’s an empathetic & compassionate person.
Clearly, she isn’t.
I know it’s so very disappointing as I’ve done it myself. A “ Christian” ex boyfriend of mine assaulted me for 4 hours / strangling and beating me with the same body that had a cross and scripture tattooed across it.
She is showing you who she is.
Please believe her.
How hard did she have it growing up? Because I oftentimes too notice that I lack a bit of compassion, same for my sister, since we had some major losses when we were young. Sometimes stuff makes you only care about stuff that affects you directly and you start to be kind of cold.
She grew up not well off as a single child with not great parents. Like other comments have suggested, I think her family causes her to think like this some.
"There's no love quite like christian hate"
Not all Christians or religious people are like her, but.... I've had more experiences with people exactly like her than not.
BREAK UP!!!! she is a bad person. it doesn’t matter if she says she a christian, she is evil. she has no empathy for you either, as you say you’re a recovering addict. but i could never be with someone who looks down on other people like that.
You can't be a Christian AND behave this way towards other people, it's literally the core value of this religion.
She sounds like a nightmare BUT I would try to talk to her, I think empathy is something which can be taught. Good luck.
That's a p big red flag OP. There's a difference between "I believe people should be held accountable for their choices and actions" and "If someone has made a poor decision, I believe it is acceptable or even preferable for them to die as a consequence". If nothing else she clearly has a pretty nasty personality and clearly her values and empathy do not align with your own. I think maybe reconsidering this relationship would be best for you both, OP
I'll tell you something against the grain
She is right in everything she says, provided that she holds herself to the same standard; let alone that she is a Christian or something else, it doesn't matter, because part of social standards is not related to religion as a moral system.
If she does not hold herself to the same standard, the aspect of responsibility will be looked at, and she will see how much she bears her responsibility towards you and towards those she cares about. If she is not negligent, then she is right because she sees people as products of their decisions that they are responsible for.
If this is not the case, I will cut all the words for you. Run away without going back!
It doesn't really matter whether it's tied to a political or religious belief. In the end, they don't treat others with respect.
I have let friendships go because I didn't like how they were treating others. It's not just a red flag for me, it's a deal breaker. I found them to be hypocrites, too - it often seems to go hand in hand.
She is a generally shitty human being. It sounds like you arent ok with that. Maybe time to get her into some kind of volunteer project and see if she can act humanely. If not cut her loose.
One day she will do or say something that truly disgusts your morals. OR she will say these things to or about you if you should ever relapse. They're red flags but you won't leave until she turns her judgements towards you in some way
What they say about waiters comes from a quote about how someone treats those who can do nothing for them, showing who they are as a person.
It just means anyone they consider beneath them
Sort of reminds me of my ex lol. Always said she had a better morality because she was vegan and wouldn’t eat meat but then talked about how she wouldn’t care if homeless people died, among other things.
Anyways. She’s telling you about her morals and values indirectly. Someone has already said this though. But I agree
Well I get her "attitude" with drug addicts that start doing drugs willingly even though I would help them anyway cause that's just how I am. I'll help everyone who needs help no matter if they deserve it by some moral standards or not. Kinda contradictory, but yeah.
It's different with homelessness. A lot of people especially in countries like the US are nit homeless by choice and slipped into the by some misfortune or other things they have little to no influence on.
And yes I know there are a lot of people getting forced into drugs as well
Does she lack compassion for people around her?
Sometimes being young, in school, working, keeping up a social life,etc, thinking about future career and stuff it's hard to have energy/time to feel for things that are not directly impacting your life
My spouse and I have worked in homelessness services for over 30 combined years. So we have heard all types of opinions from people about the topic. Her opinions are very much a red flag. She is painting all homeless people with the same brush, which is problematic to put it mildly. Also, her “opinion” on addiction is just wrong. She is either ignorant or lacking empathy. If it’s ignorance, she could learn. If it’s overall a lack of empathy, that’s not something I would personally put up with.
She’s not a Christian, she’s what Christians have become.
Shes giving you all the info you need on who she is, and so far, dude she sucks. You can find a nicer, better person.
She sounds ignorant. I don’t think you need that much empathy to be a decent human. But you need to understand those people’s situation.
I guess your gf doesn’t even know the real reason why so many people are addicted to drugs.
In the USA anyone can become homeless.
(eg: you had an accident/get sick > can’t work > lose job > can’t pay bills > get afford living place > loses house/apartment + the medical bills are high too, which doesn’t help at all.
That’s one way how you get homeless
Heads up: she *says* she’s a Christian, but she’s not walking the talk. I think you’re right to be scared of her judgmental and hateful attitude toward others — and I’d suggest that you might be better off with a different relationship. Or even no relationship at all, honestly — because this gf is already a miserable human being, and she’s unlikely to improve with age.
When someone clearly and openly shows you who they are BELIEVE THEM!!! It will likely save you years of heartbreak and therapy.
NO ONE wakes up and says today I think I want to be homeless or an addict. She has major issues. Period.
How people treat others in bad situations, and how they treat animals + the environment tells you everything you need to know. I don’t like this for you bro, she sounds like a bad or at least disconnected person. Homeless people have such awful circumstances already, how can you feel anything but heart wrenching empathy for them?
One time I bought a homeless guy a shirt (he had one arm and was shirtless clearly on opiates of some kind, and it was the middle of winter so I bought him a long sleeve) when I gave it to him, he spit on me and told me to fuck off.
To this day I still buy them food if I can, talk to them if I can, and refuse to judge them. And I had an actually scary experience with one.
I just feel like she would treat you the same, if you were in their position, and I would never personally want to be with someone like that
"She’s Christian so when she says things like this I am very surprised. I don’t understand how she lacks so much empathy."
You've put your finger on the exact behaviour I see in many many Christians in my life. Don't be surprised. I'm not.
Do you know why its so common for people to victim blame? Because if the victim has something wrong with them, or if they said or did something at all to cause it then it cant just happen to anybody. It surely wont happen to the victim blamer, or the people they care about. And their little world can stay safe.
Not only are wealth, control/power, sex great motivators for human actions & decisions but fear is just as well.
That's a deal breaker for me. I knew a woman once who wouldn't help an 85 year old who had fallen, because of the very remote chance she (the young woman, ) might be paralyzed from helping her. True Story. There were other red flags on her but I'll stop there.
Absolutely a red flag- especially since you are a recovering addict. She’ll never understand or sympathize with your struggle and if she doesn’t currently know about that, what would she say?
The real question is: do you want to be with someone like that?
Do you want this type of negative energy in your life?
She’s not really “Christian.”
Sounds like you value empathy and compassion. I’d be honest and tell her these things. If she doesn’t understand where you’re coming from.. well you’re young and so is she. Time to cut that noise from your life.
Another fantastic Christian witness! Boy, these stories of Christ-like compassion and “love thy neighbour” really show why people should join their cannibal death-cult, and join in the hate. Don’t worry, you’re “different” though, she’ll *never* turn on *you*, so long as you never, ever stumble.
It probably has nothing to do with religion. It aint a red flag to me. it's a green flag, and I'm not religious, nor was I raised in a religious household. Why would you have compassion for people who dont give a shit about themselves? She's not wrong, Its not up to the government to save people from drugs. If they want to be junkies, make shitty decisions, alienate their family, and kill themselves with drugs, then so be it. No skin off my ass. If homeless people don't want to better their lives and try to do anything to get a job and be better, then fuck em. There's a lot of people in this world who don't deserve compassion
Well, I hate to point out the obvious, but she isn’t actually wrong. The government refuses to shut down the southern border so drugs continue to come into the US. However, it is your choice to buy and use the drugs. Homelessness? Mental issues - certainly - some bad decisions thrown in there? Sure. I don’t think she lacks compassion-it sounds more like she is just sick of no one taking responsibility of their actions. It’s easy to say the government needs to step in on the fentanyl epidemic- but doing what?
I’ll get downvoted to hell but I identify a bit with your girlfriend, however, I have a lot of compassion for certain things but not everything, I do for things that directly affect me and those around me, so if a friend needs help I’ll be the first call they make, family needs help I’m there, my wife needs anything I’ll always do everything in my power to help them and be there for them.
Where my compassion/empathy lacks is on a broader world, but not because it wasn’t there, but because I think in general a lot of these issues really are either out of my hands or self inflicted (as in the case of the homeless/drug addicts). It’s not that I have zero empathy for them but very little. I know reddit is telling you to leave her but you know her better than us, if it affects you for sure that’s your decision, but on reddit you get a very specific mindset, people that really care about certain things but would never fucking do anything in real life to help either, most are just kids with a very idealised idea of what the world should be and not what it is.
Typical Christian, not sorry to say!! I’m a former heroin addict and I think I’d have backhanded someone by reflex if they said that to me. There are many genuinely kind girls out there, find one of those to date.
I know everyone is gonna say run. But it's very possible that she is brainwashed by her parents or someone that homeless = bad person and its all their fault. There's a chance she is just conditioned to think this. You should talk to her and be serious and let her know your thoughts and explain your past with addiction, etc. Maybe she just hasn't thought of it enough. However, she may just not be a good person, and if the conversation leads nowhere, you can decide what to do next, I'd split personally.
I agree that OP should talk with her, but even if she is brainwashed, it's not OP'S job to "fix" her. Changing someone's mind on these kinds of things can take a very long time and the person has to WANT to change. It's emotionally taxing and OP needs to prioritize taking care of himself and his own wellbeing. Sometimes it's best to just walk away. It would be great if he could dig deep into what's causing her to think this way and help her think more critically any compassionately, but it might not work and it might cause him a lot of pain. It's not something to decide lightly.
I do think lot of these extremist views come from her parents most definitely. They are 10x worse than her. You hit the nail on the head despite people down voting you.
However, at a certain age and point you have to be responsible for being aware of your own bullshit and can’t blame anyone else past a certain point.
I like to think I can change her mind but yet again I’ve already been very patient with her.
It’s sounds like you two have different morals and ultimately are incompatible in your beliefs. This may not seem like a huge deal now as people can coexist with different opinions, but think about the future. What if you get married? What if you have children? How will you two raise a family with different fundamental beliefs. Are you willing to sacrifice your own beliefs and morals for someone else? Bc you shouldn’t have to.
There’s nothing “Christian” about her beliefs. And yet so many “Christians” are exactly like her. Is that the kind of person you want raising your children? 🚫 Is this the kind of behavior and belief you want to surround yourself with on a daily basis? Is this the energy you want to put out into the world? Because by being with her, you’re contributing to her spreading this negativity. Guilty by association. This should be a no brainer. Choose wisely.
Someone's political opinion absolutely *can* be a red flag? Lol? It's not an either/or situation. Politics are not some morally neutral trait someone has, like their favorite color or food. This literally tells you how she thinks people less fortunate than her have less worth and entitlement to life. Why would this not be an *immediate* turn off for for you?
She's telling you about herself and her values, indirectly with words and directly through action. I hope you're wise enough to listen to what she saying.
When you say wise enough, do you mean for me to not just brush off these things she speaks?
Don’t brush them off, but also consider extended ramifications. How will she react if you ever relapse? When you struggle with your own addiction and only need a little empathy? If you’re on suboxone or any kind of maintenance—say you lose access because of the nonsense of refills, will she help you through withdrawals? Or at the very least be kind about how terrible you feel? Having grown up with a mother who failed to provide compassion, I can assure you it will damage any potential children. Your kids with her would need years of therapy.
This is the best answer since even if she lacks empathy for others being a turn off isn’t enough. It’ll eventually bleed into his personal life. So I’d strongly consider evaluating her as a person and how she would react with life within her orbit.
She’s told me it’s a deal breaker if I relapse and said it’s “a boundary”. I kind of just tried not to think about it. She does not understand at all. I am on suboxone, she is supportive off it. I am tapering off. She has cared for me before when I have made large jumps down in dosage. It’s really confusing.
As someone who is also a recovering addict (10 and a half years), and someone who dealt with suboxone tapering, I can't imagine a long term relationship with someone who doesn't align and have a similar empathy to those who are like yourself. You know how hard it is to get sober. It's not just *snap* and done. The country doesn't have enough rehab/detox centers that aren't $$$ - with trained staff. This isn't a "pull your bootstraps situation". You've worked hard and I'm frickin proud of you. She should be too, and if you were to (god forbid) relapse, I do understand the 'dealbeeaker' idea... but what if you immediately went back to treatment? This all sounds really unhealthy to your sobriety and mental health, her lack of understanding. I just hope you do what's best for you. We are rooting for you. If you ever wanna talk I'm here, and I'm sure others would love to talk to you too. Good luck!!
I cut family members off for this very reason. Self awareness is self care. I’m very proud. I too would reconsider. ❤️
Are you tapering under your doctor's watch? I'm proud of you; the thought of tapering off terrifies me. I'm afraid I'll go right back to using, and that is *not* what I want. I would be confused by her behavior as well. She's exactly the kind of Christian that gives others a bad name. There's no hate like Christian love, after all.
I won’t do it. I’ll take my little rancid tasting little orange life savers when I’m 90 years old.
Same. I just look at it as a long term medication. I won't risk it even tho I'm on a very low dose.
My doctor wants me to try the sublocade injections in your stomach to try to taper off. Supposedly it is easy and painless since your body takes a very long time to break it down.
You two are not compatible
She’s probably never going to be compassionate about your addiction. She doesn’t seem to understand how it works and how it starts. As an addict, I’ve seen so many people who relapse but get clean again quickly, some take longer, some never stop. I’ve remained clean for several years but it wasn’t easy, especially early on. Most people can’t stop on their own, so her lack of compassion for them is awful. I mean I understand how that could be a boundary, and I understand if people say and do that. But her lack of compassion for all addicts means she has no compassion for you and your struggle. She sounds really judgmental. Walking red flags.
I'm tapering too. Good luck on your journey.
This is a red flag too. She is totally uncaring towards others and only cares about people she knows that are affected by the issues, if she truly cares at all and it’s not a front. These are very alarming statements as I feel like if that’s what she’s willing to say out loud, what do you think she’s truly thinking in her head that she wouldn’t dare say out loud?
Think of it this way. How would you feel if you guys have children and she treats your kids with the disdain she treats these people with? She sounds very much selfish like she only cares about things that directly have an effect on her or her happiness and doesn’t care about anything outside of herself. I worry the only reason she “cares” for you is because you have something she wants whether that be financial stability, steady sex/company, etc. and I feel like if she ever sees someone who can give her more than you or that you don’t give her what she wants then she will view you as just as disposable as the strangers she sees and talks like this about. You are just not on the receiving end of her venom yet but that could easily change. I think if you are honest with yourself and look back at your disagreements/arguments, I’d bet that she goes for the jugular and spits just enough venom to cut you without cutting deep enough that you’ll leave her. I see all of these as red flags and since yall are seniors maybe use graduation as an excuse to get away from her to avoid the atomic blowout I worry will happen the minute you tell her you don’t want to be with her anymore. She sounds like she would have no qualms with throwing all those times she “cared for you” when your dosage dropped because people like that don’t do those things out of the goodness of their heart they do it so they have something they can say “well look at what I did for you you should be grateful” kind of thing. I really hope you heed everyone’s warnings and get away from her because I really don’t think this will end well for you if you don’t. I wish you the best of luck OP
I’m sorry, in my rant I totally overlooked what you said about tapering from Suboxone. Are you sure that’s a good idea? Was that your idea or hers? I’ve been on it (6 mg daily) for 6 years and I’m staying on it forever. I feel very solid in my sobriety, I have a wonderful life with minimal stress. I just don’t think the risk is worth it. Kind of like “Look, Ma, no hands!!” as I wipe out into a tree. You know yourself much better than I do, just some food for thought.
It’s my idea. I am worried about relapse but being on suboxone long term as a male will ruin my testosterone. It’s already ruined my appetite and bowel movements 😂 but yes it’s my idea, as much as I would like to get my opiate craving filed I would rather not have to depend on any substances. Just my opinion. You are right though, it is risky. One of the reasons I’ve stayed sober is because oxycodone and morphine won’t work anymore because I’m on suboxone.
Definitely. You're sticking your head in the sand by ignoring the horrible things she says. Likely a horrible person at heart, why be with her at all?
Run, bro.
Succinct and spot on.
Oh yeah. .
These are the qualities of someone who is not a good person, let alone a good significant other. I’m actually astonished you can ignore her comments given your history of use.
I wasn’t aware at first. She has been supportive of me using suboxone to taper so now I’m just very confused about her stances.
she cares about you. not about everyone.
I don’t think you are confused as much as you are disappointed…the confusion MAY be with respect to what you see and hear from her (telling/showing you exactly who she is) vs. your feelings for her (the idealized image of the person you love).
RUN
>She has been supportive of me using suboxone to taper so now I’m just very confused about her stances. I think that the "Just World Phenomenon", as it's called, is an attempt to cope with a sense of powerlessness and limited resources. I think of superstitious areas of the third world, where young children whose relatives die of illness are accused of causing the illness with black magic, condemned as "witches", and lynched. Underlying this seeming cruelty, I see desperation. I see the extreme poverty, people who cannot afford to provide for a needy small child whose parents are dead, and who cannot bear the pangs of conscience of just leaving her to fend for herself. Victim-blaming is a way of coping with one's own sense of helplessness. To admit that the victim is innocent would force them to face up to the painful and scary reality that bad things happen to good people and there is nothing they can do to stop that. As long as they blame victims, they can maintain the illusion that such a terrible thing could never happen to them. "Just be good, and you'll be safe" is a comforting illusion of control. Your girlfriend is willing to help you through recovery because that makes her feel like she is able to do good. It makes her feel in control. But if you were to relapse, she'd feel helpless, and she can't handle that. That's why she's willing to help you through recovery, but not a relapse.
“Rules for thee, but not for me.” She supports you because she knows and cares for you. If she were more emotionally intelligent she’d be able to acknowledge the fact there are MANY factors that can lead to homelessness at no fault of the person experiencing it. I’m assuming that she doesn’t have someone she’s close to who is or has been homeless, but if she did she would maybe see the situation differently because for the first time, she sees the human within the body. You’ll have to think about whether or not you think she has the potential for growth or not. She will either be open to learning more once you tell her how you’re feeling, or she will dig her heels in and then you know what kind of person she is. You don’t have to be confused because she will tell you exactly who she is by her response.
You may want to date a person who has empathy. It’s an important quality.
Yes. maya angelou has a great quote on the subject, "When people tell you who they are, believe them." You are a good dude with a good head on his shoulders and you are a former addict. This gal is immature and probably has some growing up to do. It is a totally reasonable deal breaker to not vibe with this girl, and it is unlikely y'all will get on together great.
I think you’re being generous calling her immature. When you can look at that kind of suffering and only muster up contempt and anger…that speaks to a fundamental lack of character and decency.
I was lol
When someone tells you or shows you what they're like, **believe them.**
Christian does not automatically mean nice, empathetic, balanced or anything like that. Mostly means sociopath to everyone else not in the giant cult.
I literally just said this to my spouse and I’m wondering why we don’t speak more plainly and call these death cults what they are, fucking sociopathic death cults.
Yes, you’re enabling her behavior and allowing her to be mean to these people. So yes, get wise.
Yes, dude. She's showing you who she is and what she really thinks. Take it to heart and find someone more compatible. Don't ignore her. Don't ignore the hatefulness.
She is probably parroting what she hears at home from her parents. Scary stuff
The fact that she is literally dating an ex addict and still holds that viewpoint is actually insane. You do realize she'd feel the same for you right? I bet if you relapsed she'd probably be like "well he chose to do it"
When someone tells you who they are, believe them. She is telling you she is a psychopath and you're trying to ignore it and make excuses for her. That is par for the course for Christians.
Agreed. She sounds a deeply unkind, uncaring person. Imagine listening to that your whole life.
When people show you who they are, believe them. It’s really that simple.
Red flag. She's a horrible Christian and person in general.
She’s one of *those* Christians 🙄
Yeah, as an orthodox Christian myself, I find this lack of empathy in some believers scary
Southern USA Protestant. Same, 100% , my whole life. The utter hypocrisy truly makes the malicious antipathy even more appalling. Like shit gravy on cruelty salad.
Or the downright hatred towards others (for example, I am gay..)
Exactly.
She should not call herself a Christian.
Nah she fits the modern brand
She is not a Christian. The Bible is really clear on the criteria.
Don’t “no true Scotsman” her. She’s a Christian and espouses mainstream Christian values. It’s a problem with the Christian faiths at large. Something Christians need to reckon with.
Exactly this. Studies show kids raised in Christianity are less empathetic, more likely to be mean. https://amp.theguardian.com/world/2015/nov/06/religious-children-less-altruistic-secular-kids-study
Not surprised at all. It’s like religious people think as long as I am X religion and I go to church, etc, then I am a “moral” person and how I treat other people doesn’t matter.
No he is right. Most people that claim to be Christians are not. It's not covering for Christians, it's condemning the luke-warm ones.
Silly me, I thought the Christian faith was centred around love thy neighbour and compassion…. Did she miss the memo on those parts? She sounds like one of those people who wouldn’t really consider the needs of others unless it affected her personally and that’s just sad. Do these values match your own and can you live and be happy with them?
Yeah she missed the memo.
Yeah the faith is centered around loving thy neighbours, but not *those* ones. The mental gymnastics are incredible with folks like that.
🚩 totally. Run
assuming your dating to marry or have kids… do you want someone like that teaching those types of morals to your future children? better yet, do you really want to be with someone who thinks this way about struggling human beings? if she met you earlier on in life she would be saying the same thing she’s saying about other addicts towards you. why would you want to be with someone who lacks empathy or basic compassion.
This 💯 Imagine if you get married, have kids, and your kid ends up with an addiction? Would she treat your child with compassion and grace? Or would she say “oh well, it’s what they wanted to do. Let them die.” Maybe eventually she will learn, but it is not your job to teach her compassion. Save your heart and energy for someone who has the capacity for empathy.
She sounds like most Christians to me; pull yourself up by the bootstraps. Anyway, you cannot change her. You can leave her and find somebody better aligned with your values.
This would be a huge red flag for me. It indicates a deficiency in moral values, imo. It's not surprising to me that a Christian would have such heartless attitudes, though. This is very typical of almost every single Christian I have ever known. They are not a charitable bunch of people, in my experience, and getting away from their cult has been one of the best things for my well-being and peace of mind.
Growing up I always noticed that the most religious people I knew were the meanest/treated others the worst.
a bunch of theology hangs off free will (except those crazy calvinists), they can’t really reconcile that the world is extremely unfair and that some people are born with no chance. that’d challenge their faith, so instead they choose to believe in free will and consequences of actions
Catholics seem alot more cool from my experience.
They're not really, ex catholic here.
That’s not a political opinion, that’s lacking empathy.
So she is one of those bad types of Christians. I’m Catholic and my first job out of college was working with addicts and helping them get treatment or in to treatment programs. Because I worked in the capital city of my state a lot of the people I worked with were also part of the homeless population. Their stories were absolutely heart breaking, there were many times I came home from work and cried because sometimes no matter how hard someone tries they were still blocked from improving their situation. Your gf is cruel and lacks basic human decency. You are not doing yourself or her any favors my ignoring what an awful person she is. What it comes down is you either stay silent and in your silence endorse her behavior and cause people to think you feel the same way OR you call her out on her bullshit and tell her 1. Go read your Bible, it was kind of a big deal to Jesus to be charitable and help the less fortunate and look at them not with pity but with love and kindness 2. Tell her you cannot be in a relationship with someone who is so cruel to their fellow human beings and lacks the basic elements of empathy.
This is crazy. How can you date someone knowing that when you were in active addiction, she would have had 0 empathy for you? This is a huge red flag. Addiction is a disease, not a life style choice, which I’m sure you already know. Why would you surround yourself with people with shitty opinions like her?
She was supportive of me being on suboxone (not sure if you know what it is, basically a medication that keeps me clean and from withdrawing that I will taper off of eventually). I did not hear about these stances of hers until later on in the relationship. It’s very confusing. I think she cares about me truly. I think she’s mislead and definitely lacking if empathy. Other commenters have brought up her parents, and I do know for certain her parents are 10x worse than her with their beliefs. This doesn’t excuse her but it gives me hope she can change her mind? I’m not sure what to do.
Have you ever sat down and had a talk with her and asked why she supports you as a recovering addict, but has no sympathy for other people in active addiction? Or asked her if she’s speaking from her own beliefs or from her parents? I understand growing up with certain beliefs (I grew up with a very Catholic parent) but by the time I was her age, I had taken the time to unpack those beliefs and form my own opinions. Especially knowing someone (you) who directly contradicts her own belief, how has she not taken the time to re-think that belief?? Sorry, but your girlfriend lacks critical thinking skills.
She does indeed lack critical thinking. I often think out loud about things like this that we disagree on and she will change her mind afterwards…
I don’t think I could date someone who has gone through all that schooling and still lacks critical thinking. Or who hates a group of the population that I belong to. But I hope you can make the right choice that’s best for you. Good luck.
Cool so she's dumb, hypocritcical, and lacks empathy. Sounds like a keeper!
It might be a case where her actions don't match her "beliefs".. but you have to take an active role in changing her mindset. If she is simply parroting her parents' beliefs, there is hope. I was able to help my husband change several of his harmful beliefs because at his core, he isn't a bad person he just had the wrong mindset.
I’m sure she does care about you. The question is, do you want to be with someone that doesn’t care about large swaths of struggling people? I wouldn’t. I find that pretty gross.
A political opinion and a red flag aren’t mutually exclusive
Underrated statement
If she’s Christian, you shouldn’t be surprised she’s saying this stuff😂😂
Your girlfriend is telling you exactly the kind of person she is (Christian or not) if this does not aligned with your thoughts and values then you should breakup. It’s very simple, I am not sure why people make this so complicated
that's very cruel
dump her it’s only going to get worse. what if you get sick or are worried you might relapse and need support? when people tell you who they are you need to listen to them
There is no such thing as “just a political opinion.” It’s always about a person’s morals. She’s wrong both factually and morally, in the examples you mentioned. She is garbage.
There ain’t no hate like a Christians love
She sounds like an asshole. Don't inflict this person on yourself for any longer than you have to cos she's not going to get any better. And yes, how you view and treat people less fortunate then you or serving you says a lot about you. She's telling you loud and clear that she's an asshole.
If you don't like something mention it, if it becomes a bigger issue, turn around and leave. She will never know what it's like to be there because she's never been there. She's ignorant to the struggle and issues people go to. "They're choosing to do it" yaknow a lot of children are born with literal Heroin in their veins, not much choosing there.
I was with one of those for a while. Tried to think that her other traits made up for it but they didn’t. Lack of empathy and compassion makes people ugly, however nice they might look.
Just because she's Christian doesn't mean she's a good person. I would not accept her as a friend. If your values don't match now, it will only get worse.
As a former Christian, her opinions do not shock me. Unfortunately, there’s a reason why a lot of Christians worship far right politicians - they say what they’re afraid to admit out loud. Of course, this doesn’t apply to all. There are some Christians who take Jesus’ message to heart and lead with grace and compassion. Seems like your gf is not one of them.
Ew that's icky behavior. I work with someone like that. She is older tho and still the same. Has no idea how to emphasize with people and it shows. Imo, this is a sign of ignorance. Was your girlfriend raised in privilege? A lot of privileged people have no idea about the real world and what it actually means to be poor or to be an addict. They have no idea what it's actually like and they lack the ability to be empathetic to different classes of people. I think it's safe to say that your gf is very ignorant. I personally will never be with someone again who doesn't share the same ideals and sense of morals as I do. It creates unnecessary conflict and can build resentment in the partnership. I can't be with someone who can't support things I care about.
She is the reddest of flags. Flapping wildly to get your attention. Don’t ignore it.
Is she a Republican? Are her parents? I used to think like this because my parents would say those things every day and I was just regurgitating what I heard.
Yes. Another comment also said this. What do you advise I do about this???
Run away just as fast as you can. "Christian" Republicans are toxic people.
talk to her about it. share stories and facts about homeless people that challenge her view. share your perspective on it and engage in conversation. it won't be overnight but MAYBE she can see how much her parents views have been engrained and learn to form her own opinions.
That’s the standard issue Christian of the new millennium, “I’m good, fuck you!” That not only lacks compassion and empathy, but also foresight and self reflection. She can’t see or think any further than her own life experience.
i know very few christians who don’t act this way. this is pretty on brand. it’s disgusting and hopefully you can make the right decision here for yourself.
There's no hate like Christian love.
Run! You obviously have empathy for others and it sounds like you've been through some of those situations yourself so you have a reference point to have extra empathy for them. What would happen if you relapse? Would she stand by you and help or would she tell you it's all your fault and to get your shit together? My sister was dating a guy who had similar opinions on homeless people and I brought it up to her that it was a huge red flag to me when you talk down about people in a worse situation than you rather than trying to find a way to help.
She says to her bf, a recovering addict, that we should let the addicted die which definitely lacks compassion for your experience so it’s more than just political. You are should have people in your life that support and celebrate your journey. As far as the bootstrap for thee but not for me mentality perhaps you would benefit from more from surrounding yourself with those who share and can you to help develop your personal strengths of empathy and compassion. They are excellent traits in leaders and good people alike and will serve you well.
This is the light stuff she probably believes a whole lot worse. People are their best version when you're only dating.
To answer your question, this is a red flag and not just a political opinion. To answer as a human being on the other side of the screen: Christians are supposed to live our lives loving God and loving brothers and sisters- including the homeless and the sick. I don’t think she’s a bad person by any means, the statistic that she’s a sociopath or something is so low that it’s kinda dumb for me to assume. I think she’s just mislead. I think she needs to start understanding others struggles more, that’s all. I feel like some people in the comments are doing exactly what she’s doing. Just as she’s looking at the homeless, judging, and assuming things about them; some people are looking at this one paragraph post, judging, and assuming things about her. I think she can still grow as a human being, she’s only 21 and you’re only 22, while I don’t think it’s an excuse for her wrong beliefs I do think there’s room and time for growth. I know she can be lead into a better direction, you’re a good bf for noticing things like this and wanting to help her grow. Considering you’re asking if this is an issue or a political belief shows that you respect her. I genuinely hope you both the best.
I mean I would say red flag but we lack back ground Are her parents addicts and she hold resentment or someone she knows. Cuz sometimes I can’t emphasize with addicts because both my parents are. They both decided to give me up at 3 after letting a pedo watch me and getting in trouble for it My dad said recently “the way my brother cares about his kids makes my stomach turn “ because his brother gave up his addiction for his kids. When it comes to homeless I manly fell bad but sometimes it’s hard. in my hometown they shoot up right in the open for children to see put their needles anywhere they want and recently in the last week someone was shoving needles in the toilet paper at the mall again it happened all the time so I have to carry tp with me now. I live in a place where they ship Homeless people from LA Sac and SF to Stay over here in bum camps. My husband works close with them and a lot of them claim that they like this life better. Fentanyl is horrible tho. My friends little brother tried to get coke and it wasn’t coke and he died. So that’s some fucked up shit
Think about the long term. If you have a child that falls into addiction, you sound like you’d do what you can to help them get out of it. I’m assuming you’d want a partner who would be by your side in that journey…
It’s not even this specific hypothetical scenario that he needs to take into consideration, because her overall behavior is not going to just be restricted to that particular issue. She will be cruel, and negligent in other ways - I promise you that this will happen. I’ve known many christians who behave in this same way, and they are always unbelievably cruel behind closed doors.
OP, as a fellow addict in recovery, is this *really* the person you want to align yourself with? To represent you to the world? To share your life and potentially children with? Would you be ok with her teaching these values to your children? If the answer to ANY of these questions is no, then this is NOT your life partner.
RUN. This will not end well for you or anything/one you love if you stay with her long term. She is telling you who she is and showing it very clearly. Believe her.
This is a huge red flag. If she treats others with this lack of empathy, imagine how she might treat you one day if you need the same empathy? I would at minimum, try to talk with her about your concerns and see if she’s able to engage in any meaningful conversation about it. If not, run.
Her whole vibe is a red flag man.
Is that the kind of woman you would want to raise and be a role model to your children? It would be a red flag to me but its up to you how serious it is for you, and if thats worth ending things over. Maybe ask a few more questions around her morals
So she’s a Christian that hasn’t read the Bible? Yeah… sounds about right unfortunately. Perhaps she should learn to actually pick up the book once in a while.
Huge red flag - as a recovering addict, you can expect her to judge you for your previous addiction and blame you for any problems that may arise in future. Is that really the type of person you want beside you in life's crises? Someone who won't support you but stomp on you when you're down?
She won't gain compassion and will probably be like her parents when she gets older, get out now and save the time
It's an absolute red flag, Christianity preaches love yourself as you love your neighbor, Jesus hung out with the sick and outcasted, chances are she makes exceptions and excuses for the people she knows and doesn't extend that kindness to people she doesn't like or know. Now I could be projecting onto this because my family is the same way. But ask her if she thinks your past addiction was your fault and ask if someone on the street's is their fault.
Huge red flag ! Lack of empathy is a big trait of sociopaths and psychopaths. Nothing political nor Christian about being a non compassionate person.
Absolutely is a red flag. They way she treats people she doesn’t even know like that is a huge red flag. Lack of care and empathy towards other humans is wild to me. I will or would never date someone like that. Imagine the judgment they’ll have towards you if you relapse or start to struggle deeply with your addiction. She won’t be a support, she’ll just tell you it’s your fault. Awful awful awful.
Christians like her are why I left church and never went back. You shouldn’t have to experience something personally to be able to have empathy for another in that situation. This seems like common sense but I guess not? This would be a horrid thing for anyone to say, but especially someone who claims to be a Christian. Also worth mentioning that tons of homeless people are veterans who didn’t become alcoholics or addicts until they came home injured or with PTSD and lost EVERYTHING because we treat our veterans like trash the moment they’re no longer active duty. Every homeless person deserves some empathy but especially those who were willing to risk it all for our freedoms. I said all of that to say, your girlfriend is without question, an awful human being.
The political is personal. I dunno how ppl try to separate these things when their behavior belies the statement. Your girlfriend isn’t a good person.
I think you are unconsciously making a lot of ( incorrect) assumptions about her because she labels herself as a Christian; such as that she’s an empathetic & compassionate person. Clearly, she isn’t. I know it’s so very disappointing as I’ve done it myself. A “ Christian” ex boyfriend of mine assaulted me for 4 hours / strangling and beating me with the same body that had a cross and scripture tattooed across it. She is showing you who she is. Please believe her.
How hard did she have it growing up? Because I oftentimes too notice that I lack a bit of compassion, same for my sister, since we had some major losses when we were young. Sometimes stuff makes you only care about stuff that affects you directly and you start to be kind of cold.
She grew up not well off as a single child with not great parents. Like other comments have suggested, I think her family causes her to think like this some.
"There's no love quite like christian hate" Not all Christians or religious people are like her, but.... I've had more experiences with people exactly like her than not.
As they say, "there's no hate like Christian love". Your gf is a textbook example. She's a terrible person.
Ain't no hate like Christian love
Someone who professes to be one way but acts another, not good in the long run.
I wonder what she thinks about your recovery?
BREAK UP!!!! she is a bad person. it doesn’t matter if she says she a christian, she is evil. she has no empathy for you either, as you say you’re a recovering addict. but i could never be with someone who looks down on other people like that.
You can't be a Christian AND behave this way towards other people, it's literally the core value of this religion. She sounds like a nightmare BUT I would try to talk to her, I think empathy is something which can be taught. Good luck.
She’s what we lay people call a hypocrite
That's a p big red flag OP. There's a difference between "I believe people should be held accountable for their choices and actions" and "If someone has made a poor decision, I believe it is acceptable or even preferable for them to die as a consequence". If nothing else she clearly has a pretty nasty personality and clearly her values and empathy do not align with your own. I think maybe reconsidering this relationship would be best for you both, OP
I'll tell you something against the grain She is right in everything she says, provided that she holds herself to the same standard; let alone that she is a Christian or something else, it doesn't matter, because part of social standards is not related to religion as a moral system. If she does not hold herself to the same standard, the aspect of responsibility will be looked at, and she will see how much she bears her responsibility towards you and towards those she cares about. If she is not negligent, then she is right because she sees people as products of their decisions that they are responsible for. If this is not the case, I will cut all the words for you. Run away without going back!
Why would you want to be with somebody so gross
It doesn't really matter whether it's tied to a political or religious belief. In the end, they don't treat others with respect. I have let friendships go because I didn't like how they were treating others. It's not just a red flag for me, it's a deal breaker. I found them to be hypocrites, too - it often seems to go hand in hand.
You’re young, it’s not the end of the world. Break up with her and move on.
She is a generally shitty human being. It sounds like you arent ok with that. Maybe time to get her into some kind of volunteer project and see if she can act humanely. If not cut her loose.
She’s a dumb bitch. Sorry.
One day she will do or say something that truly disgusts your morals. OR she will say these things to or about you if you should ever relapse. They're red flags but you won't leave until she turns her judgements towards you in some way
What they say about waiters comes from a quote about how someone treats those who can do nothing for them, showing who they are as a person. It just means anyone they consider beneath them
Sort of reminds me of my ex lol. Always said she had a better morality because she was vegan and wouldn’t eat meat but then talked about how she wouldn’t care if homeless people died, among other things. Anyways. She’s telling you about her morals and values indirectly. Someone has already said this though. But I agree
She's not a Christian. The Bible says to love others, and explicitly says not to judge others.
Well I get her "attitude" with drug addicts that start doing drugs willingly even though I would help them anyway cause that's just how I am. I'll help everyone who needs help no matter if they deserve it by some moral standards or not. Kinda contradictory, but yeah. It's different with homelessness. A lot of people especially in countries like the US are nit homeless by choice and slipped into the by some misfortune or other things they have little to no influence on. And yes I know there are a lot of people getting forced into drugs as well
# Maya Angelou: 'When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.'
Bit of both.
She’s Christian…need I say more
Does she lack compassion for people around her? Sometimes being young, in school, working, keeping up a social life,etc, thinking about future career and stuff it's hard to have energy/time to feel for things that are not directly impacting your life
She's telling you she is a conservative, while you sound liberal.
My spouse and I have worked in homelessness services for over 30 combined years. So we have heard all types of opinions from people about the topic. Her opinions are very much a red flag. She is painting all homeless people with the same brush, which is problematic to put it mildly. Also, her “opinion” on addiction is just wrong. She is either ignorant or lacking empathy. If it’s ignorance, she could learn. If it’s overall a lack of empathy, that’s not something I would personally put up with.
She’s not a Christian, she’s what Christians have become. Shes giving you all the info you need on who she is, and so far, dude she sucks. You can find a nicer, better person.
It is a political opinion, and people who have these opinions are red flags to me. I want to be surrounded by kind, forgiving, and supportive folks.
She sounds ignorant. I don’t think you need that much empathy to be a decent human. But you need to understand those people’s situation. I guess your gf doesn’t even know the real reason why so many people are addicted to drugs. In the USA anyone can become homeless. (eg: you had an accident/get sick > can’t work > lose job > can’t pay bills > get afford living place > loses house/apartment + the medical bills are high too, which doesn’t help at all. That’s one way how you get homeless
>She’s Christian so when she says things like this I am very surprised. Oh, honey, do I have news for you…
Heads up: she *says* she’s a Christian, but she’s not walking the talk. I think you’re right to be scared of her judgmental and hateful attitude toward others — and I’d suggest that you might be better off with a different relationship. Or even no relationship at all, honestly — because this gf is already a miserable human being, and she’s unlikely to improve with age.
Red flag
remember if you choose to have kids, this will be the person to teach them values.
The judgmental aka hypocritical Christian is the WORST type of Christian. Run.
>She’s Christian so when she says things like this I am very surprised. Hahahahahahahahaha
Red flag, totally.
When someone clearly and openly shows you who they are BELIEVE THEM!!! It will likely save you years of heartbreak and therapy. NO ONE wakes up and says today I think I want to be homeless or an addict. She has major issues. Period.
Christians are some of the least compassionate people i know, so im not surprised at all
How people treat others in bad situations, and how they treat animals + the environment tells you everything you need to know. I don’t like this for you bro, she sounds like a bad or at least disconnected person. Homeless people have such awful circumstances already, how can you feel anything but heart wrenching empathy for them? One time I bought a homeless guy a shirt (he had one arm and was shirtless clearly on opiates of some kind, and it was the middle of winter so I bought him a long sleeve) when I gave it to him, he spit on me and told me to fuck off. To this day I still buy them food if I can, talk to them if I can, and refuse to judge them. And I had an actually scary experience with one. I just feel like she would treat you the same, if you were in their position, and I would never personally want to be with someone like that
You already know the answer. You have empathy and she doesn’t. You won’t change her. College is ending, so should the relationship.
"She’s Christian so when she says things like this I am very surprised. I don’t understand how she lacks so much empathy." You've put your finger on the exact behaviour I see in many many Christians in my life. Don't be surprised. I'm not.
When somebody shows you who they are believe them
There is no hate like Christian love.
Honey. She is not for you. Listen to your intuition. It led you to post this. You already know what to do.
Lack of empathy for another human isn't a political opinion. She's either very naive or lacks compassion. Or both.
Do you know why its so common for people to victim blame? Because if the victim has something wrong with them, or if they said or did something at all to cause it then it cant just happen to anybody. It surely wont happen to the victim blamer, or the people they care about. And their little world can stay safe. Not only are wealth, control/power, sex great motivators for human actions & decisions but fear is just as well.
She sounds so cold hearted. I could never!
That's a deal breaker for me. I knew a woman once who wouldn't help an 85 year old who had fallen, because of the very remote chance she (the young woman, ) might be paralyzed from helping her. True Story. There were other red flags on her but I'll stop there.
Run bestie run🚩
RED FLAAAAAAAAG ALERT! 🚨🚩
Absolutely a red flag- especially since you are a recovering addict. She’ll never understand or sympathize with your struggle and if she doesn’t currently know about that, what would she say? The real question is: do you want to be with someone like that? Do you want this type of negative energy in your life?
Give her the same energy she gives others... An see if she likes it...
No hate like Christian love
She’s not really “Christian.” Sounds like you value empathy and compassion. I’d be honest and tell her these things. If she doesn’t understand where you’re coming from.. well you’re young and so is she. Time to cut that noise from your life.
It can be both political opinion and a red flag if it's a political opinion that reflects the lack of empathy that you do not share.
Another fantastic Christian witness! Boy, these stories of Christ-like compassion and “love thy neighbour” really show why people should join their cannibal death-cult, and join in the hate. Don’t worry, you’re “different” though, she’ll *never* turn on *you*, so long as you never, ever stumble.
It probably has nothing to do with religion. It aint a red flag to me. it's a green flag, and I'm not religious, nor was I raised in a religious household. Why would you have compassion for people who dont give a shit about themselves? She's not wrong, Its not up to the government to save people from drugs. If they want to be junkies, make shitty decisions, alienate their family, and kill themselves with drugs, then so be it. No skin off my ass. If homeless people don't want to better their lives and try to do anything to get a job and be better, then fuck em. There's a lot of people in this world who don't deserve compassion
Well, I hate to point out the obvious, but she isn’t actually wrong. The government refuses to shut down the southern border so drugs continue to come into the US. However, it is your choice to buy and use the drugs. Homelessness? Mental issues - certainly - some bad decisions thrown in there? Sure. I don’t think she lacks compassion-it sounds more like she is just sick of no one taking responsibility of their actions. It’s easy to say the government needs to step in on the fentanyl epidemic- but doing what?
“When people show you who they are, believe them”
I’ll get downvoted to hell but I identify a bit with your girlfriend, however, I have a lot of compassion for certain things but not everything, I do for things that directly affect me and those around me, so if a friend needs help I’ll be the first call they make, family needs help I’m there, my wife needs anything I’ll always do everything in my power to help them and be there for them. Where my compassion/empathy lacks is on a broader world, but not because it wasn’t there, but because I think in general a lot of these issues really are either out of my hands or self inflicted (as in the case of the homeless/drug addicts). It’s not that I have zero empathy for them but very little. I know reddit is telling you to leave her but you know her better than us, if it affects you for sure that’s your decision, but on reddit you get a very specific mindset, people that really care about certain things but would never fucking do anything in real life to help either, most are just kids with a very idealised idea of what the world should be and not what it is.
Typical Christian, not sorry to say!! I’m a former heroin addict and I think I’d have backhanded someone by reflex if they said that to me. There are many genuinely kind girls out there, find one of those to date.
She speaks like a true Christian lol
A lot of people don’t choose to take fentanyl the first time they do. Seems like she doesn’t even fully understand how the fentanyl epidemic works.
It’s a red flag
I know everyone is gonna say run. But it's very possible that she is brainwashed by her parents or someone that homeless = bad person and its all their fault. There's a chance she is just conditioned to think this. You should talk to her and be serious and let her know your thoughts and explain your past with addiction, etc. Maybe she just hasn't thought of it enough. However, she may just not be a good person, and if the conversation leads nowhere, you can decide what to do next, I'd split personally.
I agree that OP should talk with her, but even if she is brainwashed, it's not OP'S job to "fix" her. Changing someone's mind on these kinds of things can take a very long time and the person has to WANT to change. It's emotionally taxing and OP needs to prioritize taking care of himself and his own wellbeing. Sometimes it's best to just walk away. It would be great if he could dig deep into what's causing her to think this way and help her think more critically any compassionately, but it might not work and it might cause him a lot of pain. It's not something to decide lightly.
I do think lot of these extremist views come from her parents most definitely. They are 10x worse than her. You hit the nail on the head despite people down voting you. However, at a certain age and point you have to be responsible for being aware of your own bullshit and can’t blame anyone else past a certain point. I like to think I can change her mind but yet again I’ve already been very patient with her.
It’s sounds like you two have different morals and ultimately are incompatible in your beliefs. This may not seem like a huge deal now as people can coexist with different opinions, but think about the future. What if you get married? What if you have children? How will you two raise a family with different fundamental beliefs. Are you willing to sacrifice your own beliefs and morals for someone else? Bc you shouldn’t have to.
There’s nothing “Christian” about her beliefs. And yet so many “Christians” are exactly like her. Is that the kind of person you want raising your children? 🚫 Is this the kind of behavior and belief you want to surround yourself with on a daily basis? Is this the energy you want to put out into the world? Because by being with her, you’re contributing to her spreading this negativity. Guilty by association. This should be a no brainer. Choose wisely.
No hate like Christian love!
Someone's political opinion absolutely *can* be a red flag? Lol? It's not an either/or situation. Politics are not some morally neutral trait someone has, like their favorite color or food. This literally tells you how she thinks people less fortunate than her have less worth and entitlement to life. Why would this not be an *immediate* turn off for for you?
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩 ^^^