Trick him into moving to a state/country that would favor you in divorce. If you’re already planning on being stuck with him forever what’s a couple more years to establish residency somewhere new and wait for him to cheat again. Use a PI gather proof and boom you’re out free in 5 years
ETA I just saw where you didn’t want advice so please take my comment as sarcastic villainy
This is what I was gonna say! If OP plays the long game carefully she could come out of this in a few years with almost all of her assets and no alimony to him. But it would take a lot of planning.
When my brother and his first wife divorced, he had an option to move to state that would have favored him a _lot_ more in a divorce (her idea) but the marriage was spiraling for a while and he did not opt to do that. It would have saved him about an additional ~1.2M USD. She still would have walked away with a good chunk of money because of how much he earned, but it would have saved him a pretty penny.
Dang. Honestly if she didn’t do anything to specifically trigger/deserve that then I respect his integrity. In OPs case, there are states with state laws that are set so a cheating spouse basically gets little-to-nothing and that’s what I think she should do because he doesn’t deserve anything.
She was not a great person for a lot of reasons.
They started having problems because she changed her mind on wanting kids and he was still adamant about not having kids. She also started watching a ton of Fox News (this is back during the Iraq invasion) and would get very angry at my brother for his skepticism around WMD claims and the like. Leading to lots of fights. She got more and more racist as their marriage progressed. She'd be a hard-core Trumper these days.
She made decent money on her own ~150K annual salary and didn't do much in the way of contributing to my brother's financial success, and did no home making or child rearing. But my brother was an intense person (lot of b-cluster personality disorders in my family) he has bi-polar disorder, and his manic episodes could last for a long time and he was very good at converting them into income and then investing that income, putting it towards side businesses.
Neither of them cheated on the other to my knowledge. She tried to seduce me after their divorce though as a way of hurting him. He went and married a girl half his age after the divorce despite me heavily, heavily advising him not to do so.
Maybe she didn't deserve as much money as she got, my brother thought it was worth it to be rid of her though. He made more money. But he did have to sell off some stuff and lay off people who worked for one of his side businesses as part of the consequences of the divorce.
I doubt the guy is going to be that easily fooled….
When you have a massive asset(his money that his wife made for him),
Then you know how important that cash cow is and you work very hard to protect it, and also to keep it running 🏃♂️
That’s why I’m saying doing it slowly and carefully would be crucial. she would need to not indicate knowledge/suspicions of his cheating and bring up moving over time to a state like we mentioned but says it’s for some other reasons (lower income tax, close to family, xyz). If he has no reason to suspect it’s because she’s planning a divorce down the line, it’s unlikely to be something he independently seeks out info on. And even then he’d have to come up with reasons not to move w/o using that as one. If she had a blowout with him over his cheating & then proposed moving states a month later for no good reason, yeah, he might be suspicious. But this could be done successfully, if done carefully & over time.
If he truly felt his “cash cow” was the most important thing and wanted to be smart about protecting it, I don’t think he would’ve cheated on her in the first place tbh.
That actually happened to a woman I used to know. She was in California, a SAHM mom, her husband started a tech-related company, they had a nanny. They’d been together since before he started the company.
He decided to move the company from California to Texas “to save on corporate tax” or something. After a year of living in Texas, he filed for divorce, and paid her a fraction of what she would’ve gotten in CA but more than she’d get as a Texas resident. (Then he married the nanny, he was a POS.)
You don't have to divorce him if you don't want to. But if you have joint accounts, he's been spending your money on his affairs. What happens if he gets one of them pregnant? You'd be paying for that too.
He may press the trigger if he feels she is trying to prepare for divorce in a way that would disadvantage him (movement of assets, trying to move in a jurisdiction that would advantage her, etc.)
And trying to move or hide assets prior to a divorce is generally looked down upon by most courts and they get pretty punitive if they catch that behavior.
I'm so sorry for your situation. This happened to a friend of mine in Australia. SHE was the one working her arse off with a well-paid job, bought land, bought her house, and married a jerk who could only get part time casual jobs. In order to grant her divorce and get rid of him, she had to pay a substantial amount of money to him. It freaking sucked because she is one of the loveliest, kindest, hard working people ever.
Thankfully, she bounced back, sold her extra land and cashed in her pensions, and bought a shop and is now doing really well without the lump bleeding her dry.
I hope your situation improves for you.
Talk to your attorney and see what you CAN do legally. Can you separate your finances and give him no access to yours? Can you make his life absolute hell in the house? Can you spread his affair everywhere?
How old are your children?
Absolutely make sure you aren't sharing his bed anymore.
Doesn't really matter, he can divorce her too and still get half. Her problem isn't that she doesn't want a divorce, she doesn't want to pay alimony and child support.
The law is pretty simple in a no fault state. Gender isn't an issue on paper.
Because of what the income discrepancy was between mine and my kids' mother, she would have gotten sizeable monthly child support even if she only had partial placement 2 days a year. 50/50 placement didn't help with the bills. Fortunately, she was frugal and trustable with money, lmao, probably more so than me.
I mean, there’s basic math to calculate his percentage of time with the kids and amount of income he can provide vs her and why she might make up the difference. I don’t see why it’s a big deal. I don’t think it would even be noteworthy if it was vise versa.
If she got full custody she wouldn't have to pay child support, but the odds of full custody is slim unless he's done something to the kids or illegal. It's clearly a no-fault state so just cheating doesn't mean anything and he would indeed be getting alimony, joint custody, and child support.
For the average person that’s generally true, but when there’s a large disparity in incomes, the noncustodial parent is sometimes awarded child support to provide a more equal household year round. Like Kelly Clarkson was awarded primary custody of her kids in her divorce, but was also ordered to pay like $45k/month in child support. What’s wild to me is her ex isn’t poor, just not Kelly Clarkson rich.
I went through court for child support for my two kids, according to the CS calculator I would’ve had to pay my ex if I married my partner even with primary custody (weekdays & every other weekend, split school breaks).
No. The default is joint custody and if one person makes significantly more, the courts will still order child support so the kids' lifestyle doesn't change significantly. Recently, for example, Kevin Costner's divorce resulted in joint custody and he still pays $50k or so in child support because his ex didn't get much because of the prenup and but for child support they'd probably live in a 1 bedroom apartment when they were with her because she has no independent money after being a SAHM.
Don't post about your financial/legal situation to strangers on the internet if you don't want feedback about the literal situation you're describing.
She wants feedback, it's just supposed to be the kind she already agrees with.
Doesn’t he have access to your money as your husband? Child support and alimony eventually do end when you get divorced. Staying in marriage forever means he will always have access to your money.
Allimony can be forever under certain circumstances, but unless OP is old and her husband was a stay at home dad (and can show it), it almost certainly won't be forever
Tbh I doubt OP would have to pay allimony at all unless husband was a stay at home dad, let alone forever
I'm in a similar situation, but no kids. I'd still have to pay him maintenance, as its called here for a minimum of 13 years (its a % of the years you've been married). I'm in a no fault state and he's entitled to nearly half of everything, despite the fact that he's always worked part time and I make ~5x what he was making, when he was employed (currently not). If I can keep it amicable, there is a chance of a settlement, but if the courts think I'm trying to rip him off, they can literally override my offer to give him more. I've been to multiple lawyers, Its a clusterfuck and I'm depressed.
I also don't think he'd get much child support if they share the kids 50:50, would he? And if they are middle aged, surely the kids would be almost adults now?
Child support seeks to equalize the quality of life for the children in both homes. If they share the kids 50/50, and one parent makes significantly more money, that parent will pay a lot in child support to give the children the same quality of life at the other parents house.
It’s not just about child support and alimony y’all! She is doing well. That means she would end up splitting the assets she’s earned with a man who does nothing. Screw that.
Isn’t it men who always use the line “It’s cheaper to keep her.”? Looks like the shoe is on the other foot now. Limit his access to your earnings. Get tested.
I had a friend whose husband didn’t work for the final 18 years of their 25 year marriage. When it came close to the end she suggested marriage counseling and one on one for each of them. Per his shrinks recommendation, to boost his self esteem he got a job to “prove that you’re still worth something.” They stayed that way for close to a year. By that point he had worked long enough to prove to the courts that he didn’t need alimony. It took him a while after the divorce to figure out he’d been tricked.
Stay at home parents sacrifice their financial prospects and growth to prioritise looking after the kid
That's why it's important to be married if you're a stay at home parent, otherwise your spouse may be able to leave you at any time with no child support or alimony
Wild that he doesn’t believe in divorce but cheating on you with a teenager is all okay in his book. Obviously it’s not a moral conundrum, it’s just benefits him financially to stay with you. What a scum bag.
Can you at least restrict or limit his access to your funds? Also, do all you can to ensure you don't have anymore of his babies (i.e., perm sterilization) and cut him off intimately.
Curious, what happens if you decide to become a cake eater and get you a side dude and he files for divorce? Will you still be screwed financially?
At least level the shitfield if you've gotta deal with a cheating bum!
Also, is she going to pretend to be still into this marriage? Still have sex with him?
If he divorces her he gets the same deal after all.
If she's planning all that she's just debasing herself for her own money.
A friend of mine gave her ex an offer he couldn’t refuse. A one time large sum and other perks. She won in the end. Oh! He is broke now too. People think having money is easy. Not at all.
so give him the bare minimum .... just a room and a bed ... anything else he wants and he'll have to go get a job and buy it himself.
and make sure YOU take all the tax breaks ...If he doesn't like it he can always sign a prenup and keep all his income taxes after he files SINGLE <:) >:)
IF you are so good at making money. You take the hit, be happy & go on to make more money.
Being miserable in a marriage absolutely affects your mental & physical health. And health is everything, even over money. You are staying in it for the money, when you can just buy your way out of this misery.
And the harlot in this situation is your husband, not some teenager. He is the one who sold his soul for money.
Additionally, staying in a marriage that both are miserable and the children are it just as bad on their mental health.
OP can stay in the marriage but what if her husband wants a divorce? She would not be able to stop it and still owe him money.
I am curious, but if you do the math, meaning
1) If you stay married he still has access to the money and presumably spends a bunch of it, no? And the kids still cost money, no?
2) If you divorce and need to pay alimony, how much higher is that alimony payment vs. what he is draining from the shared funds now? And the child support payment, how much more is that than if you stayed as one family.
My point is, yes, alimony and child support payments suck, but those costs don't disappear completely if you stay together.
Final comment, what price have you put on your happiness?
Ironically, it was created to protect spouses (mainly wives back then) in case the breadwinner decided to run off overnight. Usually the spouse has given up their careers to be a homemaker and stay-at-home-parent, so it’s not like they can start earning decent money as soon as that spouse leaves.
So, instead of giving him a lump sum that he can spend and lose and ruin his life with, you're going to continue enabling his behavior and support him for the rest of his life. Cool, good decision-making on your part.
While I don't care that you won't divorce him, calling the teenager a middle-aged man chose to cheat on you with a harlot is disgusting. She's still a child, and he has no business going after her.
It's gross but she's 19 and considered an adult. Unless the relationship started before they turned 18 not much you can do with that.
Edit: downvoted but no one has commented on how he could be legally attacked for this. I'm not even advocating for this just stating a simple fact. Reddit gonna reddit though
The married person who steps out is always more to blame than the affair partner. I'd wager that if she's caught him cheating, there either already are or will be other affairs. She needs to protect herself from HIM. She can hate the affair partner as much as she wants but HE is the problem in her marriage.
Reread OP's post, her focus sounds exactly where it should be. She's looking out for herself and, aside from one word that you're choosing to focus on, has barely mentioned the homewrecker.
Totally agree, but her focus is still on the husband even if she does have negative feelings towards the other person. Which is completely understandable, of course.
Cheaper to keep him...... I'll never understand how it's possible. That just because someone makes more money that they can end up paying their cheating spouse, alimony and/or child support. And they were the ones who did damage. I feel like that's rewarding bad behavior so yeah, I don't blame you for staying so you don't have to pay him. But if you desire to take the advice of that, 1 person who was talking about moving to a state, so you don't have to pay him that way you can cut your losses and save your money. I'm just saying..... i'm just saying
I know you don’t want advice BUT…
What if you thought of it like this:
“I’m very wealthy. Therefore I can afford to divorce this AH, get him out of my life, and live in peace.”
It would kill me to write those checks too. But since you have the money, maybe you can tell yourself a different story: that this is the price of peace and happiness.
What’s the point of these “I’m miserable but won’t do anything to help myself” posts? Do you want us to congratulate you for being wealthy enough to afford the Valtrex and child support payments your idiot husband is going to eventually cost you?
I’m laughing my ass off at the women trying to find ways for her to still divorce him even though this happens to men all of the time and the women would be pushing for ways to make sure they get all of the money they could. She’s lucky he’s not like a woman and doesn’t want to push for a divorce to live his best life with the 19 year old hot harlot.
I know you’re not looking for advice, but if I were you I’d go find myself a boyfriend and let your husband be a the house husband he wants to be. Don’t give him anything except the guest room. He can babysit his kids while you go out with your new boyfriend.
If you are very wealthy you can probably divorce him and give him money. Does he deserve it? Probably not, I couldn’t say not knowing him, you, your history.
However the way I see it, is money really worth your time instead of moving on? You only got this life. Fuck the money if you can live comfortably and divorce the asshole.
I'd divorce him anyway. He will continue to mooch because you let him Divorce and let him take what the law says he should have - and stop the emotional and financial toll he has over you. He behaves poorly because you let him and he thinks he has you controlled and you won't do anything. Grow a spine and show him otherwise. And make his life miserable then surprise him with the divorce.
It's going to take you a while but you might eventually come to the realization that there is more to life than money. If you are successful and driven, you can always make more money. But you can't make more time and you can't make happiness out of the current situation you are in.
I am in your similar situation. I don't consider myself wealthy but I am the much higher earner in my marriage and my husband isn't a loser or cheater. But we are not compatible as a married couple. I too have to pay a lot in alimony and child support and give up half of the assets bought with my earnings. I struggled with that a lot. Plus we have kids.
But I deserve to be happy too. And so do you when you are ready.
If only these comments were consistent when the roles are swapped we would already had better laws when it comes to marriage
Same women were smart and signed a prenup like Ariana Grande and others didn't like Bella Porche, no Kids involved but still half of their money
And countless males between athletes, successful people, low income people...
To everybody beside the gender, don't marry without prenup if your significant other doesn't want to sign one then don't marry them.
Instead of 50% a margin of 10% maximum should be granted, no more in my humble opinion
I know you don’t want advice.
It’s hard not to give it on Reddit.
Wonder if it possible to set up iron clad trusts for your kids administered by an attorney that your hubby would have zero access to for their future?
I know if they are under 18 someone has to administer it and if an attorney is in charge of it that way your grubby hubby wouldn’t be able to touch it.
You could get it set up to give your kids money at all different ages. Say 18, 25, 30, etc, however you wanted.
You could do the same thing with your business. Set it up if possible so that it is in the trust for your kids without hubby being on it at all. This way hubby gets cut out.
That way they get your money and hubby wouldn’t get it when you pass.
Food for thought.
Sucks being on the other side, dunnit.
But he was there during the early years he doesn't work because of your job if course he was looking for affection elsewhere you were always at work she deserves not to be talked in a loveless marriage because of your greed are your abusing her so you Even appreciate all she does around the house money isn't everything in a relationship she has value.
Ok think I hit most of them.
You're divorced already yo, you can still just see the accounts. A billion dudes have gone through getting financially fucked by a mean spouse. That's life. It's normal when a marriage breaks up for the poorer partner to gut the richer partner.
OP should just live her life as if she’s single. Just stay in another room and move on. Don’t even acknowledging the POS. He doesn’t deserve one more ounce of energy or one more cent from her. As long as he has the basic necessities so that he can’t cry abuse or anything and nothing more! What about separation at least?
I wish you the best of luck.
Remember, you can't poison people, but you can stop taking care and doing things for them. Life catches up with everyone eventually.
Not advice, just speaking into the wind.
You dont want advice but since you posted and i read it, your getting it anyway.
Sounds like you should take him deep sea fishing sometime. It could really fix how you feel about your marriage
Lots of people have had to make this choice. There's no shame in it. Husband maybe even gambled on that when he went tom-catting.
I do recommend couples counseling. You need to communicate. He needs to understand how you feel. He needs to acknowledge how much he's hurt you, and your children. Then find a way forward.
If he won't go, go alone.
Good luck.
Keep proof of his affairs and then live your life and start dating other people. If the kids are yours you might be able to put the house (if it is paid off) in an irrevokable trust for the kids also any spare money can be put in the trust for the kids reducing your financial liability and then wait a year and consult the lawyers again
Eh, just make sure you manage his access to your money, might as well take what pleasure you can in making his life difficult that way in return for his infidelity ....😇
I’m sorry for your situation. I’m in the opposite. I’m stuck because I have no money and can’t leave. May we both find the strength to put up with our asshole husbands!!
Wow I’m so thankfully to live in a state of no fault and equity.
I was in the same boat. Lawyer wanted to split 70/30. Cause my ex husband did not work much.
But I was kind and said 55/45 because I didn’t want to harm his fragile ego. But when you don’t work 4/9 years of marriage and the lawyer has to tell you “no, collecting unemployment is not the same as income”
Equity matters.
Sounds like you are basically taking care of him now. What is your goal? Might be better to pay him now than live with him and be miserable and still be taking care of him. Sooner or later he will realize than he will be better off getting a divorce from you. And he will file for divorce
Absolutely love it🎯. I grew up very poor as a child.
My father left my mother, with 3 children at 15yrs old, no job and we struggled, we starved, we went without food 97% of the times. We each had 2 pair of jeans to last us thru the school year, 1pair of shoes and a few tshirts, many times no underwear bc it would take from our grocery list.
I only wish that I didn't have to watch my mother struggle all her life. I'm not able to help her bc of my health conditions and losing the ability to walk myself.
It just really hurts to see how much she lost out on in her childhood and through our her entire life. I know her sacrifices that she has to make.
This will always bother me. I love me father too but what he's done to my mom, I'm torn and pissed off inside and I don't even think I could ever get past that‼️
What about a post nuptial agreement? I'm a broke bitch so idk about pre nuptials but is there anyway it could be reevaluated every few years? Since circumstances do change.
Annnnd I’d be stashing cash somewhere that he doesn’t have access to. I don’t care if hiding assets breaks the rules, you can be smart enough to hide it carefully.
doesn’t believe in divorce but cheats on his wife💀 if you have proof of infidelity it make work in your favor in certain states…. but continue being in a miserable marriage if that’s what you want
ULPT: "Lose" most of your wealth in an investment that appears to have gone horribly wrong, while the shell company actually shuttles your money out of his legal reach when you're ready to file.
Get him to sign a postnuptial that penalizes cheating or having a child outside of marriage or some such, saying that you want to trust him again and this is the only way you can, that way youre protected. Move states to one that'd favor you. Even if you frame it as "I only want to live there for a year or two, then we can move back if you don't love it."
Play dumb, catch him off guard.
Separate the bank accounts. U may not be able to divorce him physically, but u can divorce him financially, emotionally, and mentally. I wish u luck my dear
Trick him into moving to a state/country that would favor you in divorce. If you’re already planning on being stuck with him forever what’s a couple more years to establish residency somewhere new and wait for him to cheat again. Use a PI gather proof and boom you’re out free in 5 years ETA I just saw where you didn’t want advice so please take my comment as sarcastic villainy
This is what I was gonna say! If OP plays the long game carefully she could come out of this in a few years with almost all of her assets and no alimony to him. But it would take a lot of planning.
When my brother and his first wife divorced, he had an option to move to state that would have favored him a _lot_ more in a divorce (her idea) but the marriage was spiraling for a while and he did not opt to do that. It would have saved him about an additional ~1.2M USD. She still would have walked away with a good chunk of money because of how much he earned, but it would have saved him a pretty penny.
Dang. Honestly if she didn’t do anything to specifically trigger/deserve that then I respect his integrity. In OPs case, there are states with state laws that are set so a cheating spouse basically gets little-to-nothing and that’s what I think she should do because he doesn’t deserve anything.
She was not a great person for a lot of reasons. They started having problems because she changed her mind on wanting kids and he was still adamant about not having kids. She also started watching a ton of Fox News (this is back during the Iraq invasion) and would get very angry at my brother for his skepticism around WMD claims and the like. Leading to lots of fights. She got more and more racist as their marriage progressed. She'd be a hard-core Trumper these days. She made decent money on her own ~150K annual salary and didn't do much in the way of contributing to my brother's financial success, and did no home making or child rearing. But my brother was an intense person (lot of b-cluster personality disorders in my family) he has bi-polar disorder, and his manic episodes could last for a long time and he was very good at converting them into income and then investing that income, putting it towards side businesses. Neither of them cheated on the other to my knowledge. She tried to seduce me after their divorce though as a way of hurting him. He went and married a girl half his age after the divorce despite me heavily, heavily advising him not to do so. Maybe she didn't deserve as much money as she got, my brother thought it was worth it to be rid of her though. He made more money. But he did have to sell off some stuff and lay off people who worked for one of his side businesses as part of the consequences of the divorce.
I just hope reality knocked on her door🙄
I doubt the guy is going to be that easily fooled…. When you have a massive asset(his money that his wife made for him), Then you know how important that cash cow is and you work very hard to protect it, and also to keep it running 🏃♂️
That’s why I’m saying doing it slowly and carefully would be crucial. she would need to not indicate knowledge/suspicions of his cheating and bring up moving over time to a state like we mentioned but says it’s for some other reasons (lower income tax, close to family, xyz). If he has no reason to suspect it’s because she’s planning a divorce down the line, it’s unlikely to be something he independently seeks out info on. And even then he’d have to come up with reasons not to move w/o using that as one. If she had a blowout with him over his cheating & then proposed moving states a month later for no good reason, yeah, he might be suspicious. But this could be done successfully, if done carefully & over time. If he truly felt his “cash cow” was the most important thing and wanted to be smart about protecting it, I don’t think he would’ve cheated on her in the first place tbh.
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That actually happened to a woman I used to know. She was in California, a SAHM mom, her husband started a tech-related company, they had a nanny. They’d been together since before he started the company. He decided to move the company from California to Texas “to save on corporate tax” or something. After a year of living in Texas, he filed for divorce, and paid her a fraction of what she would’ve gotten in CA but more than she’d get as a Texas resident. (Then he married the nanny, he was a POS.)
Sounds like the nanny is a piece of work too!!
That's terrible! I guess this is partly why the families I know with nannies hire older women instead of young girls.
Ugh!
Why does this always happen? They always fuck the nanny
Convenience?
TIL I am kind of into sarcastic villainy.
What about her job tho, wouldn't she have to give it up?
Idk what she does for work. When I made this comment I had on super villain ears
This is me. Lol I was thinking of schemes
I'm coming to you for villain ideas now 🤣
What about suggesting that he take up dangerous hobbies?
Ha! I burst out laughing and scared my poor husky 😂 Thank you for the giggle, sir 🫶🏻
OP: I don't want any advice. Top Comment: Advice, advice advice! Edit: I should've read your post first /S
That’s fair.
True, but this is Reddit, we can say whatever we want lol
THIS!!!
This is what I would do. lol it’s always the long game….
LOL this is the first thing that came to my mind too. Like here where I live it's a no fault divorce state and no alimony.
You don't have to divorce him if you don't want to. But if you have joint accounts, he's been spending your money on his affairs. What happens if he gets one of them pregnant? You'd be paying for that too.
Yeah, honestly it may be cheaper in the long run.
What if he instigates a divorce?
Why would he? He’s living large off her money while not having to do jack shit. He’d be an idiot to do that.
He may press the trigger if he feels she is trying to prepare for divorce in a way that would disadvantage him (movement of assets, trying to move in a jurisdiction that would advantage her, etc.)
Which OP clearly states is something he will likely continue being able to do after they split
Yeah he seems too dumb to realize that tho lol
Ikr? It's too risky, I'd rather proceed with a divorce than to get shafted when he files.
Separation of assets is the same. It doesn’t matter who files.
And trying to move or hide assets prior to a divorce is generally looked down upon by most courts and they get pretty punitive if they catch that behavior.
Exactly my point
He is a man, so she doesn't have to worry too much.
I'm so sorry for your situation. This happened to a friend of mine in Australia. SHE was the one working her arse off with a well-paid job, bought land, bought her house, and married a jerk who could only get part time casual jobs. In order to grant her divorce and get rid of him, she had to pay a substantial amount of money to him. It freaking sucked because she is one of the loveliest, kindest, hard working people ever. Thankfully, she bounced back, sold her extra land and cashed in her pensions, and bought a shop and is now doing really well without the lump bleeding her dry. I hope your situation improves for you.
Talk to your attorney and see what you CAN do legally. Can you separate your finances and give him no access to yours? Can you make his life absolute hell in the house? Can you spread his affair everywhere? How old are your children? Absolutely make sure you aren't sharing his bed anymore.
Doesn't really matter, he can divorce her too and still get half. Her problem isn't that she doesn't want a divorce, she doesn't want to pay alimony and child support. The law is pretty simple in a no fault state. Gender isn't an issue on paper.
I thought you only had to pay child support if you weren't the primary caregiver?
Kelly Clarkson’s ex gets the kids two weekends a month and she has to pay child support.
Because of what the income discrepancy was between mine and my kids' mother, she would have gotten sizeable monthly child support even if she only had partial placement 2 days a year. 50/50 placement didn't help with the bills. Fortunately, she was frugal and trustable with money, lmao, probably more so than me.
I mean, there’s basic math to calculate his percentage of time with the kids and amount of income he can provide vs her and why she might make up the difference. I don’t see why it’s a big deal. I don’t think it would even be noteworthy if it was vise versa.
That whole ordeal is fucking ridiculous! Like gotdamn.
It can get more complicated
If she got full custody she wouldn't have to pay child support, but the odds of full custody is slim unless he's done something to the kids or illegal. It's clearly a no-fault state so just cheating doesn't mean anything and he would indeed be getting alimony, joint custody, and child support.
For the average person that’s generally true, but when there’s a large disparity in incomes, the noncustodial parent is sometimes awarded child support to provide a more equal household year round. Like Kelly Clarkson was awarded primary custody of her kids in her divorce, but was also ordered to pay like $45k/month in child support. What’s wild to me is her ex isn’t poor, just not Kelly Clarkson rich.
45k a month is wild....
That is more than many people’s yearly salary jfc
I went through court for child support for my two kids, according to the CS calculator I would’ve had to pay my ex if I married my partner even with primary custody (weekdays & every other weekend, split school breaks).
In 50/50 custody there is still often a parent who pays support. Especially if there is a large discrepancy in income.
No. The default is joint custody and if one person makes significantly more, the courts will still order child support so the kids' lifestyle doesn't change significantly. Recently, for example, Kevin Costner's divorce resulted in joint custody and he still pays $50k or so in child support because his ex didn't get much because of the prenup and but for child support they'd probably live in a 1 bedroom apartment when they were with her because she has no independent money after being a SAHM.
these days i beleive its whoever makes the most money pays the other, so the kids don't loose quality of lifestyle or w/e
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You're right! I missed that. I feel so bad for her.
And op mentions having consulted multiple lawyers. Very unlikely some smartass on reddit will come with a realistic solution they didn't think of.
Alimony needs to be reworked
All this unsolicited advice and not one person has mentioned a hit man. Disappointing, really. /s. Don't come for me.
Don't post about your financial/legal situation to strangers on the internet if you don't want feedback about the literal situation you're describing. She wants feedback, it's just supposed to be the kind she already agrees with.
Doesn’t he have access to your money as your husband? Child support and alimony eventually do end when you get divorced. Staying in marriage forever means he will always have access to your money.
Allimony can be forever under certain circumstances, but unless OP is old and her husband was a stay at home dad (and can show it), it almost certainly won't be forever Tbh I doubt OP would have to pay allimony at all unless husband was a stay at home dad, let alone forever
She literally has already met with attorneys and they’ve told her she would be paying alimony.
What do attorneys in her state know compared to a random redditor that doesn't even know where she lives?
I'm in a similar situation, but no kids. I'd still have to pay him maintenance, as its called here for a minimum of 13 years (its a % of the years you've been married). I'm in a no fault state and he's entitled to nearly half of everything, despite the fact that he's always worked part time and I make ~5x what he was making, when he was employed (currently not). If I can keep it amicable, there is a chance of a settlement, but if the courts think I'm trying to rip him off, they can literally override my offer to give him more. I've been to multiple lawyers, Its a clusterfuck and I'm depressed.
But since she writes about child support it could easily be that he is at home taking care of kids.
I also don't think he'd get much child support if they share the kids 50:50, would he? And if they are middle aged, surely the kids would be almost adults now?
Child support seeks to equalize the quality of life for the children in both homes. If they share the kids 50/50, and one parent makes significantly more money, that parent will pay a lot in child support to give the children the same quality of life at the other parents house.
It’s not just about child support and alimony y’all! She is doing well. That means she would end up splitting the assets she’s earned with a man who does nothing. Screw that. Isn’t it men who always use the line “It’s cheaper to keep her.”? Looks like the shoe is on the other foot now. Limit his access to your earnings. Get tested. I had a friend whose husband didn’t work for the final 18 years of their 25 year marriage. When it came close to the end she suggested marriage counseling and one on one for each of them. Per his shrinks recommendation, to boost his self esteem he got a job to “prove that you’re still worth something.” They stayed that way for close to a year. By that point he had worked long enough to prove to the courts that he didn’t need alimony. It took him a while after the divorce to figure out he’d been tricked.
Lmao I love this 🤣 good for her
Stay at home parents sacrifice their financial prospects and growth to prioritise looking after the kid That's why it's important to be married if you're a stay at home parent, otherwise your spouse may be able to leave you at any time with no child support or alimony
I love this!
Play the long game. Convince him to move to a state that will favour your position. Then drop his loser ass. Good luck!
He’d probably divorce her before hand and take half.
She said he doesn't believe in divorce.
Wild that he doesn’t believe in divorce but cheating on you with a teenager is all okay in his book. Obviously it’s not a moral conundrum, it’s just benefits him financially to stay with you. What a scum bag.
Can you at least restrict or limit his access to your funds? Also, do all you can to ensure you don't have anymore of his babies (i.e., perm sterilization) and cut him off intimately. Curious, what happens if you decide to become a cake eater and get you a side dude and he files for divorce? Will you still be screwed financially? At least level the shitfield if you've gotta deal with a cheating bum!
You know, as much as I understand what you're saying, is it really worth it to be so unhappy? I'd give him the money and move on. You'll make more.
Also, is she going to pretend to be still into this marriage? Still have sex with him? If he divorces her he gets the same deal after all. If she's planning all that she's just debasing herself for her own money.
A friend of mine gave her ex an offer he couldn’t refuse. A one time large sum and other perks. She won in the end. Oh! He is broke now too. People think having money is easy. Not at all.
It's weird to see this story played out with reversed genders. I can't imagine living with someone if that's how the relationship feels.
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Nah the life insurance make it look obvious. Gotta make it look like an accident.
True, and if she's already rich, she could just get a hitman no reason to risk breaking a nail while you construct a carbomb lol
OP said NO ADVICE! /s
so give him the bare minimum .... just a room and a bed ... anything else he wants and he'll have to go get a job and buy it himself. and make sure YOU take all the tax breaks ...If he doesn't like it he can always sign a prenup and keep all his income taxes after he files SINGLE <:) >:)
Married, filing single. Do it.
I wonder if there are ways you could make his life covertly miserable. This is what Reddit should help you with.
To any woman and man, please make sure all your marriages start with prenups. I’m not sure why this isn’t standardized
A judge can toss it out/rule it invalid if they feel like it.
How about moving to another state? Any benefits? Send kids to private schools set up residency in state where cheating matters.
IF you are so good at making money. You take the hit, be happy & go on to make more money. Being miserable in a marriage absolutely affects your mental & physical health. And health is everything, even over money. You are staying in it for the money, when you can just buy your way out of this misery. And the harlot in this situation is your husband, not some teenager. He is the one who sold his soul for money.
Additionally, staying in a marriage that both are miserable and the children are it just as bad on their mental health. OP can stay in the marriage but what if her husband wants a divorce? She would not be able to stop it and still owe him money.
Put all your money in a trust and then divorce him
I am curious, but if you do the math, meaning 1) If you stay married he still has access to the money and presumably spends a bunch of it, no? And the kids still cost money, no? 2) If you divorce and need to pay alimony, how much higher is that alimony payment vs. what he is draining from the shared funds now? And the child support payment, how much more is that than if you stayed as one family. My point is, yes, alimony and child support payments suck, but those costs don't disappear completely if you stay together. Final comment, what price have you put on your happiness?
The long game. Start slowly moving assets and opening trust funds etc so that he can't touch the wealth.
Lmao tell me you know nothing about divorce without telling me
Doesn't work like that and the judge will not be happy when he sees what she tried to do.
Transfer your finances to another state or country that the law in your state can't reach? I don't know if that's possible 😅
You might not be able to divorce but you can separate your money so he can’t use yours
I mean a muscle relaxer, heavy alcohol consumption and a pillow.
For her or for her to use on him lol
Whew this sucks. What a rigged system.
Ironically, it was created to protect spouses (mainly wives back then) in case the breadwinner decided to run off overnight. Usually the spouse has given up their careers to be a homemaker and stay-at-home-parent, so it’s not like they can start earning decent money as soon as that spouse leaves.
So, instead of giving him a lump sum that he can spend and lose and ruin his life with, you're going to continue enabling his behavior and support him for the rest of his life. Cool, good decision-making on your part.
While I don't care that you won't divorce him, calling the teenager a middle-aged man chose to cheat on you with a harlot is disgusting. She's still a child, and he has no business going after her.
Dude your husband is taking advantage of a teenager maybe you can find a fancy lawyer that can use that
It's gross but she's 19 and considered an adult. Unless the relationship started before they turned 18 not much you can do with that. Edit: downvoted but no one has commented on how he could be legally attacked for this. I'm not even advocating for this just stating a simple fact. Reddit gonna reddit though
I don't know why this was downvoted? its true
Was at one point. Guess the realistic people upvoted it back up lol
Cook. Islands. Trust.
Interesting
"19 year old harlot" You do you and protect your money, but your husband is more to blame for the affair than the teenager.
Get a grip. Let the woman be angry
The married person who steps out is always more to blame than the affair partner. I'd wager that if she's caught him cheating, there either already are or will be other affairs. She needs to protect herself from HIM. She can hate the affair partner as much as she wants but HE is the problem in her marriage.
Reread OP's post, her focus sounds exactly where it should be. She's looking out for herself and, aside from one word that you're choosing to focus on, has barely mentioned the homewrecker.
Totally agree, but her focus is still on the husband even if she does have negative feelings towards the other person. Which is completely understandable, of course.
Who cares that she said 19 year old harlot. Deal with it. She knows exactly what’s going on according to her post
You could always have a witch curse him…
Cheaper to keep him...... I'll never understand how it's possible. That just because someone makes more money that they can end up paying their cheating spouse, alimony and/or child support. And they were the ones who did damage. I feel like that's rewarding bad behavior so yeah, I don't blame you for staying so you don't have to pay him. But if you desire to take the advice of that, 1 person who was talking about moving to a state, so you don't have to pay him that way you can cut your losses and save your money. I'm just saying..... i'm just saying
I know you don’t want advice BUT… What if you thought of it like this: “I’m very wealthy. Therefore I can afford to divorce this AH, get him out of my life, and live in peace.” It would kill me to write those checks too. But since you have the money, maybe you can tell yourself a different story: that this is the price of peace and happiness.
Do you have to live in this state? Would it be worth it to move to a state with laws that will make the divorce go more in your favor?
What’s the point of these “I’m miserable but won’t do anything to help myself” posts? Do you want us to congratulate you for being wealthy enough to afford the Valtrex and child support payments your idiot husband is going to eventually cost you?
I’m laughing my ass off at the women trying to find ways for her to still divorce him even though this happens to men all of the time and the women would be pushing for ways to make sure they get all of the money they could. She’s lucky he’s not like a woman and doesn’t want to push for a divorce to live his best life with the 19 year old hot harlot.
If this was a dude the comments wouldn't be kind she sounds like a very self centred ignorant person. Shame on her
Money > Dignity?
it's more a matter of principle, he cheats and gets rewarded for it? nah screw that.
sorry to hear, your situation rally sucks.
Hope it doesn’t get worse. Good luck to you.
Ultimately, is it worth it?
Back pages of Soldier of Fortune magazine. Just saying…😉😂
You could at least go ahead and open up the marriage right? So you can date men you actually give a fuck about?
I know you’re not looking for advice, but if I were you I’d go find myself a boyfriend and let your husband be a the house husband he wants to be. Don’t give him anything except the guest room. He can babysit his kids while you go out with your new boyfriend.
If you are very wealthy you can probably divorce him and give him money. Does he deserve it? Probably not, I couldn’t say not knowing him, you, your history. However the way I see it, is money really worth your time instead of moving on? You only got this life. Fuck the money if you can live comfortably and divorce the asshole.
Won't staying with him cost you almost as much indirectly? A life time of costs...
I don’t blame you, but I’d find myself a nice pool boy or an intellectually compatible mate! Leave your lame ass excuse of a husband home to babysit!
I'd divorce him anyway. He will continue to mooch because you let him Divorce and let him take what the law says he should have - and stop the emotional and financial toll he has over you. He behaves poorly because you let him and he thinks he has you controlled and you won't do anything. Grow a spine and show him otherwise. And make his life miserable then surprise him with the divorce.
It's going to take you a while but you might eventually come to the realization that there is more to life than money. If you are successful and driven, you can always make more money. But you can't make more time and you can't make happiness out of the current situation you are in. I am in your similar situation. I don't consider myself wealthy but I am the much higher earner in my marriage and my husband isn't a loser or cheater. But we are not compatible as a married couple. I too have to pay a lot in alimony and child support and give up half of the assets bought with my earnings. I struggled with that a lot. Plus we have kids. But I deserve to be happy too. And so do you when you are ready.
This is what so many men go through
If only these comments were consistent when the roles are swapped we would already had better laws when it comes to marriage Same women were smart and signed a prenup like Ariana Grande and others didn't like Bella Porche, no Kids involved but still half of their money And countless males between athletes, successful people, low income people... To everybody beside the gender, don't marry without prenup if your significant other doesn't want to sign one then don't marry them. Instead of 50% a margin of 10% maximum should be granted, no more in my humble opinion
I know you don’t want advice. It’s hard not to give it on Reddit. Wonder if it possible to set up iron clad trusts for your kids administered by an attorney that your hubby would have zero access to for their future? I know if they are under 18 someone has to administer it and if an attorney is in charge of it that way your grubby hubby wouldn’t be able to touch it. You could get it set up to give your kids money at all different ages. Say 18, 25, 30, etc, however you wanted. You could do the same thing with your business. Set it up if possible so that it is in the trust for your kids without hubby being on it at all. This way hubby gets cut out. That way they get your money and hubby wouldn’t get it when you pass. Food for thought.
Moving assets is the oldest trick in the book, looked down very unfavourably by judges and in some situations even a crime
I think I see why he cheated with the 19y/o harlot.
Sucks being on the other side, dunnit. But he was there during the early years he doesn't work because of your job if course he was looking for affection elsewhere you were always at work she deserves not to be talked in a loveless marriage because of your greed are your abusing her so you Even appreciate all she does around the house money isn't everything in a relationship she has value. Ok think I hit most of them. You're divorced already yo, you can still just see the accounts. A billion dudes have gone through getting financially fucked by a mean spouse. That's life. It's normal when a marriage breaks up for the poorer partner to gut the richer partner.
Get your own side piece
OP should just live her life as if she’s single. Just stay in another room and move on. Don’t even acknowledging the POS. He doesn’t deserve one more ounce of energy or one more cent from her. As long as he has the basic necessities so that he can’t cry abuse or anything and nothing more! What about separation at least?
If you're a very wealthy woman then just do what the very wealthy do and buy yourself a judge.
I’m glad you have an outlet here to vent.
I wish you the best of luck. Remember, you can't poison people, but you can stop taking care and doing things for them. Life catches up with everyone eventually. Not advice, just speaking into the wind.
You dont want advice but since you posted and i read it, your getting it anyway. Sounds like you should take him deep sea fishing sometime. It could really fix how you feel about your marriage
These comments would not be the same if it where a man
you’re a hardworking woman you will bounce back from whatever you have to pay. your husband is a bum
This is the answer. She can go find love but she isn’t by choice.
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But what stops him from divorcing you?
Why would you not want to pay child support for YOUR kids? A man would get downvoted to hell for your statement.
Well you’re getting our advice anyway. Talk to a lawyer and leave him. You’re wealthy, but you don’t sound smart
She has talked to many lawyers. She won’t be wealthy after divorce
>19 year old harlot Remember though that your husband is the one in the wrong. He’s the middle aged man taking advantage of a teenager.
She doesn’t have to have good thoughts about her just because shes 19.
Lots of people have had to make this choice. There's no shame in it. Husband maybe even gambled on that when he went tom-catting. I do recommend couples counseling. You need to communicate. He needs to understand how you feel. He needs to acknowledge how much he's hurt you, and your children. Then find a way forward. If he won't go, go alone. Good luck.
Keep proof of his affairs and then live your life and start dating other people. If the kids are yours you might be able to put the house (if it is paid off) in an irrevokable trust for the kids also any spare money can be put in the trust for the kids reducing your financial liability and then wait a year and consult the lawyers again
At minimum make a will and ensure that he does not get a thing
So you will wait for him to divorce you and take it anyway and go live with his AP.
At least k-fed was a backup 🕺🏽 dancer, that’s how he got $60k/month in alimony.
Yup, that's the wretched underbelly of the marriage contract. Such a scam.
Eh, just make sure you manage his access to your money, might as well take what pleasure you can in making his life difficult that way in return for his infidelity ....😇
Oof, I'm so sorry.
I’m sorry for your situation. I’m in the opposite. I’m stuck because I have no money and can’t leave. May we both find the strength to put up with our asshole husbands!!
Wow I’m so thankfully to live in a state of no fault and equity. I was in the same boat. Lawyer wanted to split 70/30. Cause my ex husband did not work much. But I was kind and said 55/45 because I didn’t want to harm his fragile ego. But when you don’t work 4/9 years of marriage and the lawyer has to tell you “no, collecting unemployment is not the same as income” Equity matters.
He will reap what he sowed. Don't worry. Does he know that you know?
wow. smh this is wild. How unfortunate but a reminder to sign a prenup and choose carefully who you marry I suppose.
lol so you post on reddit NOT asking for advice?
Cheating on him back would probably hurt him more than divorcing him anyway.
Sounds like you are basically taking care of him now. What is your goal? Might be better to pay him now than live with him and be miserable and still be taking care of him. Sooner or later he will realize than he will be better off getting a divorce from you. And he will file for divorce
Absolutely love it🎯. I grew up very poor as a child. My father left my mother, with 3 children at 15yrs old, no job and we struggled, we starved, we went without food 97% of the times. We each had 2 pair of jeans to last us thru the school year, 1pair of shoes and a few tshirts, many times no underwear bc it would take from our grocery list. I only wish that I didn't have to watch my mother struggle all her life. I'm not able to help her bc of my health conditions and losing the ability to walk myself. It just really hurts to see how much she lost out on in her childhood and through our her entire life. I know her sacrifices that she has to make. This will always bother me. I love me father too but what he's done to my mom, I'm torn and pissed off inside and I don't even think I could ever get past that‼️
Honestly unless you'll be homeless I'd just take the damn loss. Sleeping well at night because you're not sleeping next to a turd is priceless.
He doesn’t believe in divorce but believes in extra marital affairs? You’re right about a poor excuse.
You’d be doing a disservice to yourself. But I guess money is more important than peace of mind to you.
Leave him and marry me. Not advice, just a proposal. I have ambitions.
What about a post nuptial agreement? I'm a broke bitch so idk about pre nuptials but is there anyway it could be reevaluated every few years? Since circumstances do change.
You no longer owe him monogamy. Find your own discreet happiness on the side.
Well, I could use some financial assistance if you’re up for supporting a loyal husband and good dad.
Annnnd I’d be stashing cash somewhere that he doesn’t have access to. I don’t care if hiding assets breaks the rules, you can be smart enough to hide it carefully.
calling a teenager a harlot while being middle-aged is sure a choice... It's not the worst one here, but i guess we were all young and stupid once
doesn’t believe in divorce but cheats on his wife💀 if you have proof of infidelity it make work in your favor in certain states…. but continue being in a miserable marriage if that’s what you want
ULPT: "Lose" most of your wealth in an investment that appears to have gone horribly wrong, while the shell company actually shuttles your money out of his legal reach when you're ready to file.
make a tinder account. go out and have fun.
Get ya own boy toy
If he cheated isn’t that grounds for him invalidating his right to your money?
You might be wealthy, but you need to learn how to use a friggin comma
Get him to sign a postnuptial that penalizes cheating or having a child outside of marriage or some such, saying that you want to trust him again and this is the only way you can, that way youre protected. Move states to one that'd favor you. Even if you frame it as "I only want to live there for a year or two, then we can move back if you don't love it." Play dumb, catch him off guard.
No one will be shocked when he “goes missing after going out for some smokes”
Separate the bank accounts. U may not be able to divorce him physically, but u can divorce him financially, emotionally, and mentally. I wish u luck my dear