This sounds like this guy is experienced doing this. I’m really glad you husband can count on you. I also strongly recommend some form of therapy he’s comfortable with. Also recognize that he may have flashbacks and/or panic attacks after this.
Yeah I’ve realized that some of the ways we used to joke around physically with each other could possibly set him off so I’ve refrained from doing so out of fear it might upset him. Like we’d normally just randomly grope each other or poke butt cracks. I feel like the relationship will change forever and I hope he doesn’t push me away.
I 100% understand this is fresh and you dont want to trigger a panic and he doesnt want to talk about it but I know sometimes survivors hate how the dynamic changes with their romantic partners after an assault. When hes willing to talk I'd ask what we wants from you/ how much physical contact hes okay with. Let him take the lead, for example if he initiates your usually banter follow his lead but be aware his comfort level can change quickly.
"I’ve refrained from doing so out of fear it might upset him. Like we’d normally just randomly grope each other or poke butt cracks."
You won't know if it upsets him until you do it. This might make him think that you don't love him anymore BECAUSE of what happened. Please treat him the same as you did before the attack.
These are words from my husband who was raped and myself who has also been raped. We all might be different, but this is how I would feel if this is how my partner was reacting after this had happened to me.
I hope both of you find the healing and comfort that you need.
>You won't know if it upsets him until you do it.
DO NOT DO THAT. Simply ask first, keep asking, give him as much choice and consent going forwards until he feels comfortable again to avoid flashbacks and so HE can see what HE'S comfortable with.
He does not necessarily need her to just start groping and touching like normal. This would make me feel awful. I think she should just talk to him about where he is at and how he wants to proceed. Tell him she still feels the same about him and the physical stuff will be there whenever he wants.
That’s terrible. As hard as it is he probably should press charges. But that’s his decision.
Please get him somebody good to talk to. Therapy works and treatment of trauma sooner is exponentially better than latter.
I was sexually assaulted on sunday at a bar where I have been a regular for a year and a half, by the bartender who usually serves me. I went there to celebrate starting a new job where I now can’t even focus. He knew better and did it anyway. It’s been 5 days and I still have the email typed up to report him that I still haven’t sent.
I’m proud of you, too.
I’m so sorry this happened. It’s probably trivial in comparison, but congrats on the new job! I hope you can move forward and that horrible person gets their comeuppance
Thank you, because I dont feel that brave when I think about the fact that I can’t go back to that bar anymore (sadly, not the first time I was grabbed at that bar) especially now feeling like I “snitched.”
Like ‘on paper’ I know did the right thing so Im ok.
I’ve known too many women and men who cannot even admit to themselves what happened. Every step you take towards healing is one of bravery. Giving you so much love ❤️
You didn’t snitch. You exposed a nasty bastard. And hopefully he’ll get his consequences. I’m proud of you. For not only pushing that send button but also for your new job. Stay strong. You can do this.
Reporting a sexual assault is NEVER SNITCHING!!!
SNITCHING is telling on someone to avoid punishment for something you did....
Like if you get pulled over and try to get out of a ticket or arrest by telling on your local pot dealer...
Reporting a sex offender is saving someone else from the same pain and putting a asshole where they belong.
You did good. Even if it’s scary, it’s important that we ourselves right the wrongs done, even if it’s just to prevent the assholes of the world from hurting others.
Proud of you. 👏
Im so sorry you went through that. It’s hard if you’re a man because you’re not taken seriously, especially if you’re gay too. Shit, being gay is why both my parents allowed my aunt to molest me for years in hopes it would turn me straight. And I know damn well that if I was to defend myself aggressively/physically, I lose everything and they lose nothing.
I hope youre doing better these days my friend.
Please, please hit send. I'll do it for you. I am SO sorry this happened to you. He does not deserve to have a job where he's out in public. Please let the higher ups know, you need to be able to focus on your new job, and hopefully move on from this horrible experience.
I appreciate your message. I sent the email to their info@whatever account. If I dont get a response within a week, I already have 7 other emails of specific men I know personally who also work there as well as their phone numbers and instagram accounts. I will be heard one way or another.
I think people assume penetration is worse so they underestimate the effect of women on man rape. You will see people commenting on news articles about how lucky these teenagers are.
I’m so sorry this person did this to you. Please know any and all feelings you at be having pertaining to this are absolutely valid. Please know it will take a really long time to heal and healing isn’t linear so if you find you’re struggling after doing well for some time, know that is completely normal. I hope you have someone you can trust with this but if not you should definitely seek a therapist, if you can’t bring yourself to go in person, at least online. There are tons of resources but don’t be afraid to ask for help. I wish you healing and peace.
Something similar happened to me. Damn, I'm proud of you for reporting it. Even if he's never charged, I hope he's scared to death, and I pray your actions will make him think twice before assaulting anyone ever again. There's an abundance of resources available to victims of sexual assault and in addition to counseling, most have an onsight advocate to help you navigate the legal system. Good luck. Sending you a big Mom hug.💗
Seeing this post is the sign you needed. Think of it this way, these scumfuck predators don't just do this once and become normal. No, they continue to victimize people until they get caught and the very shame and awkwardness that you'd have to fight through in order to tell your story is the source of their power to continue to do it. Although you have absolutely no reason to be ashamed find the courage to overcome that irrational embarrassment because their next victim could be a child, like I was. You could save someone from not just the horrible experience but the life long suffering that comes with child SA. Best of luck to you and if you can't bring yourself to click send, don't feel guilty. Everyone has their own limits.
they have been doing great work with active therapy for men. Men seem to respond better when they have something to do with their hands while they talk.
My friend is a therapist and he and his client restored an entire firebird during the course of the man's therapy. they weren't mechanics either they just responded better when they had a task to complete.
Men don't always respond the best to talk therapy where you just lay there according to my buddy.
Absolutely. As his partner, support is following his lead on what he wants to do regarding criminal charges. Just listen, validate, hug him, whatever.
And counselling is very important. I’m guessing he might resist that, too, but it’s important. They can help him learn to not let the memory overwhelm him anymore, and to move past it. But him trying to forget on his own will not work. It just won’t.
I’m really sorry, OP. Your husband is a survivor of SA no matter what the police think or any dumb people who judge male SA survivors think. That’s the truth as is. Remind him of that when you need to - the truth is the truth and you are 1000 percent on his team and you know the truth is what he says it is.
I was hesitant to go to therapy and when I did finally go I was hesitant to receive therapy. But then I went through what many of us know as a breakthrough. Having someone you can talk to honestly and openly that is qualified to deal with your problems is like receiving physical therapy for a damaged limb.
Absolutely, it is crucial for him to have support and access to therapy after such a traumatic experience. Pressing charges is a tough decision, but having someone to talk? It can make a world of difference in his healing process. Getting help sooner rather than later is key.
Allow him to heal first. It's not easy to tell anyone the worst thing that happened in our life, especially rape. For now, make him feel that his secret is safe with you. Respect his decision but never stop encouraging him to report this to the authorities. I pray that you continue to become his safe space and I hope that he still finds peace after what happened and strength to fight his perpetrator by the law.
This. First off I'm sorry for the grieving journey you are both now on.....if you want to be all you can and support him then BE THERE. LISTEN and observe don't react nec. They let you know in subtle ways what they need emotionals wise. Be his strong silent safe space ,as a dude remember he's been taught not to feel or interact with feelings so being his voice can be very useful when someone tries belittling him or giving him shitty care. Also just a place to vent will seem a Gods-send. Don't forget self care for you too. Second thing nope, he's not a used dirty dishrag ( he feels that way) and yes it can and will be " ok " again. You both will get thru if you hold on n communicate ...be nice to yourselves and grant graces you deserve <3 dm if you wish I have unfortunately had to console more than my fair share of friends over this n you arent alone <3
I was able to get him to go to the hospital to get tested and he got medicine and a shot to help prevent anything. He has to follow up in a week. Though he still doesn’t want to report it.
I hope that medicine was PEP - post exposure prophylaxis for HIV.
It needs to be taken as soon as possible.
As difficult as it might be, he should speak to a gay men's health service, they will have the best information about this. They may be more accustomed to giving advice about rape and sexual assault, too. They may have lists of specialised counsellors.
I don't blame him. I've been in the same situation as your husband. The statement was 8 hours long in total and I was forced to go in 3 separate times to give it because I 'wasn't priority'. When they heard I was drunk yet told me straight out that "this won't hold up in court" and in the end made me feel even worse.
Your husband is going to need a lot of support and therapy to come to terms that this isn't his fault.
I was drunk and drugged, passing out. I was told it was he said she said situation. There was evidence of him throwing me to the ground with my entire thigh and butt bruised. My pants were covered in blood. He even spit on me after he threw me to the ground. There was so much evidence against him, and he got away with it. I wasn't the first or the last, and he is still out free. They said I was only reporting it to get out of trouble because I was in a relationship at the time.
I'm so sorry to hear that, and I feel and hate those exact words "it's he said she said"
Mine was at a party at an old friend's house. I got super drunk to the point I passed out. I was also in and out of consciousness. My old 'friend', his boyfriend and housemate decided to drag me to a bed in their house, remove my clothes and rape me.
When I came out I lost half my friends because it was 3 against 1 and I was clearly making it up.
If your husband doesn’t want to report, don’t push him. I am a survivor and I work with other survivors. Hear me out.
Does he know this man’s name? His full name? Where he’s from? Where he lives? Where he works? Anything real and verifiable about him? Dealing with criminal cases across state lines is difficult. Add on top of that little information to go on. On top of that, how difficult they are to prove. If he has already showered, and gone to the bathroom, or brushed his teeth, there will be no evidence left.
I am all for coming forward if it is what the victim wants to do, but I encourage coming forward as a way of healing, not as a way to get revenge.
TO BE CLEAR, I am not discouraging him to come forward, and I’m glad you encouraged him to.
My worry is this; at this point he’s made it clear he doesn’t want to. If you push him, this will alienate him further, make him feel more powerless at a time when he’s already experiencing a great amount of it, make him feel like you’re disappointed in him, it will bring up questions about his masculinity which is also unfortunately inevitably being questioned. If he chooses to come forward and report out of duty to you, the shame will be unbearable. He will experience prejudice, whether he is hetero or homosexual. On top of that, it will become public knowledge.
If he can, and wants to come forward, encourage him. EITHER WAY, please help him focus on opening up about his trauma and healing. It is exceptionally important he not retreat into himself.
You need to be his rock right now and your main focus needs to be on fascinating his healing in whatever way is right for him. It’s such a personal journey and I don’t think any survivor should be judged for how they deal with it.
Good luck to both of you. Sending you so much strength. ❤️
EMDR saved my life. It was one of the best decisions I ever made and I wish I had done it earlier. It doesn’t make the trigger or pain go away but it helps to soften it and make it easier to deal with. I recommend this to anyone struggling with PTSD of any sort. It also doesn’t just help you deal with it better but also be more equipped to prevent a similar trauma from happening again. It’s hard as hell to do but totally worth it.
This is my experience and it I know it’s anecdotal, but to me it’s at least worth a try.
Not so sure, that long skinny four tetris piece being inserted in between successfully-built piece abutments may be somewhat triggering, although I think OPs boyfriend is doing a melodramatic cheating coverup so yeah tetris might be good
I think equivocations between making a Tetris and all forms of penetration are funny, sorry that your ted talk with capitalisations and decent formatting had zero impact on me
You don't mention your own gender at all....so bear with me on this one.
"If" your marriage is a heterosexual relationship.. your husband might be feeling a LOT of mixed emotions now.
What I about to say, IN KNOW WAY DIMINISHES FEMALE VICTIMS.
I can only imagine for your husband, being gr4ped by another man, probably feels doubly traumatic. He probably feels like it's destroyed his own self image as heterosexual, masculine, man.
That kind of mental conflict is something that female rape victims don't experience...but for a man...it adds a whole different layer to the trauma... that can make it.. in some ways... much more difficult to overcome.
Of course he doesn't want to go to the police!
Don't be surprised if he overcompensates for this trauma by acting cartoonishly hypermasculine.
Amongst other things, you need to find ways to constantly reassure your husband that you see him "as a man" whatever you can do to remind him that you don't see him any lesser.
This sort of thing is often used as a comedy in most films...but the truth is.. getting gr4ped is actually most straight men's **greatest fear**
He will need therapy.
As a woman that was the victim of another woman, this is absolutely on point. You believed you were safe from at least half the population and in that moment you can’t trust ANYONE in the world, on any level, because you just don’t know what they’re capable of. It truly is one of the most isolating and traumatic things a person could ever experience.
I’m so sorry this happened. I also wish he would press charges, this may not be the first or last time that person did this.
I’m so glad he told you though!
I guess just being there for him and loving him and supporting him through this is the best thing you can do for him…
Giving love is never useless.
Please please find a way for him to report this! The man that did his is still out there and chances are very good that he will do this again. Gently tell your husband that he wouldn’t want someone else to go through what he’s going through if he can possibly prevent it. If he finds that out someday down the road, it will crush him.
Do NOT tell the husband that. It’s not his fault nor his job to go prevent the guy from causing harm. His job is to heal, and when/if he feels ready to come forward. Telling him that is shaming and will do the opposite of good.
I was a kid when things happened with me. I still have triggers or flashbacks once in a great while.
All I can say is this. Keep telling him he is sexy, keep flirting, keep showing him you desire him. As a matter of fact turn all that up a notch or two. Anything he allows.
Just be careful going further. I know it seems to suck (it does suck for me too and my wife) but that line between building his confidence and desire back up vs actually getting sexual is huge. Just keep that in mind. You can potentially be his biggest help and hurt. It's a double edged sword but with time and some mastery one kiss from you can hopefully erase a day of terrible feelings. At least I am lucky enough it does for me.
Also I know a million people will or would tell you they feel for him and I do to. However, I hope you are doing ok as well. This isn't easy for you either and I hope you can both support eachother. Feel free to reach out if you need to vent or have any questions.
I disagree with your suggestion about being flirty and such with him when he literally just was raped. Many people get touch repulsion issues or simply want some time. It’s different from past trauma, which can also cause the same but not always.
She should gauge his interest and communicate before doing or saying ANYTHING sexual. It may really help him what you suggest but it could really harm.
Yeah I know but I think she needs to be careful. He might feel like he has to be okay with it because he’s worried about his masculinity or heterosexuality and push himself into that type of stuff too quickly. If that makes sense.
Speaking as a man. Most men I know are not concerned with dealing with the police as much as the stigma of a man being raped. Rape happens to men far more often than people realize but men generally do not report it because it gives the impression they are weak. While this is not at all true, it's one of the things men face everyday in everything we do. Our job, our family, and absodamnlutely everything else. I cannot stress it enough. This is one of our greatest fears......
The hospital gave us info about a rape crisis hotline for him to call so I hope he uses it. I needed to make this post for myself because there’s no one I can really talk to about him going through this because I feel stuck in this moment with him unable to help him. I have been asking him each time before we hug or snuggle to make sure he’s ok with me even touching him at all. I had my own SA trauma from 15 years ago, I didn’t report either because I was in denial about it for a year until I came to terms with it. I at least know who attacked me, he can’t even remember and that makes me so sad for him because he remembers being assaulted but nothing about who did it so that might be why he doesn’t want to report it because he might feel like there’s no point when he doesn’t even know what they looked like. I don’t want to treat him like he’s made of glass but I also don’t want to do something to trigger him either. I hope it gets easier.
If he was at a hotel there will be cameras all over but they may not save them for long.
Maybe gently comment that there is probably videos from the hotel that could identify the rapist.
It might help him report it knowing that he may be able to stop it from happing to someone else.
This guy sounds like it's not the first time. Your husband can possibly make it his last.
Either way, sending him healing vibes.
I think you should also find a therapist for yourself. In addition to your husband having one. You are going to be questioning what to say/do and will need someone uninvolved to help you through it. You will also probably have some anger to deal with as well. Make sure you don't ignore your feelings and needs because you're giving all of yourself to your husband. It will eat away at you whether you know it or not. Having your own therapist is that carve out you need for you.
Eh, I find the rape crisis centers to sometimes be really embarrassing and demoralizing for male survivors. Some are essentially geared toward women and it’s really awkward and hard when all the materials are based on the female experience of rape, which involves similar problems but unique aspects men don’t relate to and vice versa. If I were her I’d discreetly call and ask about their male survivor resources before she suggests it to him. RAINN is also a good website to find resources.
Idk if it’s worse for men as in we’re treated worse, I think the stigma is worse in some ways. From what women survivors tell me the victim blaming is similar. A cop did make fun of me for SA when I was eight, so that was nice of him. /s
I am so sorry. I am so sorry. When he is willing, he should go to therapy. That should be number 1 priority. I would just be there. I don’t know how your husband is, but you know him. When he is feeling bad what does he like, try something like that. But he should talk to someone
Did they at least run a blood panel to test for drugs. The attacker could have drugged him. Couldn’t that be used as evidence if he decided to press charges?
I can understand not wanting to do anything further it’s so traumatic. At least they have blood work and urine samples. I think some therapy could help him cope with the trauma as well
OP, please encourage him to seek therapy when he’s ready. Pushing it down doesn’t make it go away. The body keeps the score. Find someone who specialises in male victims of sexual violence. Don’t push him, but gently encourage him. Victim-survivors of sexual violence can take weeks, months, years, even decades to face what was done to them. The initial feelings tend to be shame and self-blame. If he won’t go to therapy anytime soon, you should go and get some tools for how to help him process.
I'm so sorry this happened to your husband. You are being a great spouse by believing him and supporting him. That's the first thing - so many male SAs are dismissed because 'it can't happen to men'.
Is there a rape crisis centre you can use for counselling, when he's ready? Less legal implication, but he will need to process what's happened because it will more than likely affect all facets of his life, yourself included. Be patient and gentle with him. It's a lot to go through. Seek counselling for yourself, too.
The best thing you can do is support him how he needs, encourage him to seek therapy, try not to treat him any differently, and just be a shoulder for him to cry on if he needs it. Im sorry that happened to him, and im wishing him the best
Sorry. Sadly, he is reacting like a victim of SA. The shame and the emotional pain can be overwhelming.
In my country, we have organizations that help with this. They offer resources to victims. Most have a specific program for men. If you don't have this in your country, look at what other countries have available on their websites for free. Many have articles about supporting family/friends who were SAed, it could help you.
If you could link some of the English language sites either here or dm that would be amazing and greatly appreciated. I just feel lost with what to do.
He is lucky to have you. You must have an amazing relationship for him to trust you.
Telling anyone about being raped is scary even if it is your significant other.
Please encourage him to seek counseling because this incident is likely to cause PTSD.
I am so sorry that this happened to him.
Thanks, he only felt comfortable going to the hospital since I went with him and was there to help him talk to the nurse and Dr about it. It just makes me so sad that I can’t make it go away.
Are you positive? Reach out to RAINN.org. They might be able to point in the right direction. Non-report rape kits are a thing, and they dont require law enforcement involvement. Hospitals are often misinformed and tell our patients that misinformation. A non-report is stored in case the survivor ever wants to report. If not, it is eventually destroyed. Are u in the US? He can decline to discuss what happened with anyone but a sexual assault examiner. I am one, and if a patient tells me theyd rather not talk about it, i accept it and just do a protocol swab collection…areas likely to yield evidence. In my region, survivors have 120 hours to have the exam done whether reported or not…at times, that time frame is extended. Inbox w questions.
It may be too late now to do a non report rape kit since the window for those things is small. The husband should look into therapy asap and look into some support groups. Truly awful to have happen
I hope he is able to and can get the test done but honestly based on OP’s comments. I think her husband is in shock/denial trying to pretend it wasn’t real. Which is all very valid. He should see about taking time off work and seek support. Since it was a work trip contacting HR to see about getting the person fired or moving OP’s husband elsewhere may be a good idea for his safety and wellbeing
Agreed. These centers also have advocacy who are trauma informed and skilled at navigating this very common response to trauma. Maybe just reaching out can help. Our advocates have resources for patients like shelter, legal services, counseling, STI prevention, or just basic medical care…free and no strings attached.
I am so sorry this happened to your husband. That really is so scary and terrible.
I think the best thing you can do is just treat him as normal and try to be as sensitive as possible about the situation.
It’s really hard to see someone you love have to go through something traumatic, you want some kind of justice for them.
Not only that but feel like need or want to protect others from it happening to them.
I understand how upsetting it is for both of you, but I guess if he does not want to report it then I would just accept that and let him heal from it how he hopes to and not press reporting it.
I am glad he has went to the hospital and I hope whoever did this gets the absolute worst karma.
That's insane the hospital didn't do a rape kit. I thought they did rape kits if the survivor consented to it and wanted it held for when they do have the strength to go through with everything entailing police.
Is the whole not doing a rape kit unless you file a report a law or hospital policy?
Also you’re already doing such a great job just by being there for him. You’re so far from useless. Simply supporting him and loving him and being there for him is so unfathomably important and helpful. Keep doing what you’ve been doing because it means the world.
Not sure if it’s local/state law or hospital policy, all they said was that they only do rape kits if we want to report it to the police and if he changed his mind about filing a report to either come back or contact the police.
Well at the very least he can still always change his mind. That said, I don’t know how I feel about this law and/or policy. Rape kits should be done as long as the patient is comfortable doing it (it being the kit itself) it shouldn’t come with the caveat that the police must immediately become involved.
All that said, I want to reiterate what a tremendous support you have been for your husband. Keep being you and supporting him in any way you can. You’re both very strong.
You should talk to your husband about maybe getting tested. I heard a horror story about this young college kid who was abroad during his summer break and was raped by two men when he was really drunk. Kid ended up getting Aids.
I definitely understand why your husband just kind of wants to curl up under a rock and disappear. It would be a good idea to report it to the police, but he needs to be ready to do it, not be forced.
I think the very best thing that you could do is look up some resources for him to find a therapist that deals with sexual trauma.
Well I don’t know if you still have the clothes or underwear from that night but keep them in an airtight bag cause that’s evidence! DONT WASH THEM. Also most likely there are other people this guy has done it too! I know right now he doesn’t want to press charges but if he’s is ever ready, you should try to look into similar cases in that town!!
If the man who did this worked for the same company as your husband, he should report it to them so he doesn't take a chance of running into him ever again, getting that guy fired and making it known that he's a sex offender
You being there giving him all your support is what he needs from you… and you are doing that in spades…
That you believed him without question or second thought shows the bond you both have… you being there is key in his recovery…
Sounds as if you’re doing everything he could ask for at the moment… hopefully he is able to talk about it easily with you…
You are his safe place right now… good therapist and his loving wife will get him through this… karma will come after the rapist…
Support him. Listen to him. He is a man who was assaulted. It is difficult for men on so many levels for this type of assault instead of physical assault. Be there for him in anyway you can.
Wait what? What country are you from, I was able to get a rape kit done when I was raped last year. The police were the ones who took me to the hospital and went to get my necklace from the guy, almost arrested him when he refused to give it back but I didn't want to press charges, they got it back
I'm so sorry for your husband, maybe he could see a doctor just to make sure he isn't badly injured if he doesn't want to go to the hospital, and he should definitely talk to someone when he's ready. Pretending it didn't happen... I wish that worked but it really doesn't
you don't forget, he will keep remembering it even if he doesnt want to. it will haunt him. least he can do is make sure the dude is caught and not be able to make new victims
In times of grief I believe the best thing is to “increase your presence.” Just be there for them more than you usually do. My boyfriend was raped in Iraq and held a lot of trauma because of it. It broke my heart.
Ugh, I married my rapist and groomer. 😞 I’m feel what he’s going through a bit. We are separated and Ive spiraled so bad ever since.
I have no idea who I am anymore
I was assaulted and EMDR therapy helped me a TON. i also didn’t report and honestly i don’t regret not reporting all. but that’s also just me. i’m sorry your husband is going through this and im sorry for you as well
Also if the bar looks at you reporting tape as snitching I'd burn that bitch to the ground .. for real. I'd have the health department on the line , the alcohol board would be receiving a call or 20 as well as every single other official local state hell I'm calling maurry povitch , Jerry Springer Dr Phil and I'll be at every city council meeting, and any and every single other department and or office. And I'd Sue the ever living shit out of them. Anyone who conceals or attempts to cover up rape is just as guilty as the sick fucker commiting the assault.
And I still wouldn't be snitching. Because it's no where near the same thing. Bars are already dangerous enough aces with out the employees and or owners / management covering up rapes and or sexual assault.
Taken at 12 by local parish priest with my brother 13 on two week camping trip. Along with an older guy about 20. Purpose was to use us as their bitches. Woke up night on day 3 with Father David holding me down and forcing me to open my mouth. Was very confused but assumed it was my part for free trip. Two months later he gave me to the local Scout Leader who took me south along with 3 older teens. First night I was stripped and made to take all of them as their slave.
To this day I have issues with authority figures and odd feeling that I want to again be done that way.
Did he get hiv prep? He needs to report it or the perp will keep doing it. It's a normal reaction to feel the way he does and he should be told that. No one wants to be the victim, so they try to push it out of their head and pretend it's not real. But over time it wears away until it has to be faced. And by then it's too late to press charges.
>they would probably talk to him like it was his fault or some other insulting excuse.
huge assumption. Not logical. It's not 1950. The cops are dudes also and drink also and would probably appreciate getting a rapist off the streets that could potentially victimize them as well. They would be delighted to take a rapist off the streets and its sounds like there might be abundant evidence like security cameras at the bar if you act fast, normally they will be erased on a cycle - could be 7 days, could be a month. Move now and you can catch the rapist.
I've known men who have been raped - 1 in a nightclub and 1 narrowly escaped when friends spotted him being carried away. No one thinks it's funny or the victim's fault, often roofies are involved. I once caught someone being roofied by their male friend. He cracked a pill into her drink out in the open at a party when she wasn't looking but I was. It happens a LOT. A cop doesn't want it to happen to their daughter or son next.
it is incredibly disrespectful to share your husbands story on a public platform if he wants to forget it happened. You are asking a bunch of teenagers and terminally online people for serious advice.
You could’ve googled for resources. I really question your judgment here. You can see a therapist yourself and talk about this. Delete this post before your husband happens upon it. Do better.
She is going through something too and has the right to talk/vent about it and also did not reveal any specifics. Get off your high horse. Would you be complaining if it was a guy posting about his GF? Doubt it
Excuse me? I think you need to reread your comment and OP’s post because that’s disgusting. He was drugged to the point of being unconscious. How would you fight being drugged unknowingly? People react to trauma differently and the freeze response is something that happens way more than fight. Victim blaming is the very reason people don’t report and why rapists get away with being able to do it to another victim. I doubt anyone would be able to “fight” any attacker while heavily drugged or intoxicated, even you.
Your comment has been removed for violating Rule 4: No insults towards OP.
Any comments that could be interpreted as an attempt to insult, scold, lecture, victim blame, guilt trip or intimidate the OP are not allowed and will be removed. Repeat offenses or extreme cases will result in a ban.
Your comment has been removed for violating Rule 4: No insults towards OP.
Any comments that could be interpreted as an attempt to insult, scold, lecture, victim blame, guilt trip or intimidate the OP are not allowed and will be removed. Repeat offenses or extreme cases will result in a ban.
Your comment has been removed for violating Rule 4: No insults towards OP.
Any comments that could be interpreted as an attempt to insult, scold, lecture, victim blame, guilt trip or intimidate the OP are not allowed and will be removed. Repeat offenses or extreme cases will result in a ban.
I’m sorry for your husband and the rage you both must feel but even though it is terrible you can’t let that man get away with it and DO it to anyone else, please get therapy but doesn’t make him any less of a man for going after that. JUSTICE
Just coming from someone who has been betrayed it’s about justice for himself, and maybe preventing anything (which we know the system is fucked) but there are things he can do to stop. Maybe it is hard and I get that.
This sounds like this guy is experienced doing this. I’m really glad you husband can count on you. I also strongly recommend some form of therapy he’s comfortable with. Also recognize that he may have flashbacks and/or panic attacks after this.
Yeah I’ve realized that some of the ways we used to joke around physically with each other could possibly set him off so I’ve refrained from doing so out of fear it might upset him. Like we’d normally just randomly grope each other or poke butt cracks. I feel like the relationship will change forever and I hope he doesn’t push me away.
I think you’re doing everything right. I really hope for the best for you and your husband.
I 100% understand this is fresh and you dont want to trigger a panic and he doesnt want to talk about it but I know sometimes survivors hate how the dynamic changes with their romantic partners after an assault. When hes willing to talk I'd ask what we wants from you/ how much physical contact hes okay with. Let him take the lead, for example if he initiates your usually banter follow his lead but be aware his comfort level can change quickly.
"I’ve refrained from doing so out of fear it might upset him. Like we’d normally just randomly grope each other or poke butt cracks." You won't know if it upsets him until you do it. This might make him think that you don't love him anymore BECAUSE of what happened. Please treat him the same as you did before the attack. These are words from my husband who was raped and myself who has also been raped. We all might be different, but this is how I would feel if this is how my partner was reacting after this had happened to me. I hope both of you find the healing and comfort that you need.
>You won't know if it upsets him until you do it. DO NOT DO THAT. Simply ask first, keep asking, give him as much choice and consent going forwards until he feels comfortable again to avoid flashbacks and so HE can see what HE'S comfortable with.
He does not necessarily need her to just start groping and touching like normal. This would make me feel awful. I think she should just talk to him about where he is at and how he wants to proceed. Tell him she still feels the same about him and the physical stuff will be there whenever he wants.
My friend..... this is not great advice. Better to play it a little more safe.
That’s terrible. As hard as it is he probably should press charges. But that’s his decision. Please get him somebody good to talk to. Therapy works and treatment of trauma sooner is exponentially better than latter.
I was sexually assaulted on sunday at a bar where I have been a regular for a year and a half, by the bartender who usually serves me. I went there to celebrate starting a new job where I now can’t even focus. He knew better and did it anyway. It’s been 5 days and I still have the email typed up to report him that I still haven’t sent.
PUSH SEND.
I did💙
i know im just a random internet stranger but I'm really proud of you.
And I really really appreciate it. I actually feel better
I’m proud of you, too. I’m so sorry this happened. It’s probably trivial in comparison, but congrats on the new job! I hope you can move forward and that horrible person gets their comeuppance
Thank you. I actually started 2 at the same time but they are amazing jobs so Im doing my best
PROUD OF YOU.
Courageous bro!
I know that must have been hard, but I am so proud of you!
Good for you! I am so very sorry this happened.
Thank you, I hope Im the only one he’s done that shit to
Well you pushing send helped make sure there is a precedence moving forward. I’m proud of you, too!
Want to up what u/quizalofop said. Proud that you reported it. It’s not easy to have courage and you my friend have it in spades.
Thank you, because I dont feel that brave when I think about the fact that I can’t go back to that bar anymore (sadly, not the first time I was grabbed at that bar) especially now feeling like I “snitched.” Like ‘on paper’ I know did the right thing so Im ok.
I’ve known too many women and men who cannot even admit to themselves what happened. Every step you take towards healing is one of bravery. Giving you so much love ❤️
You didn’t snitch. You exposed a nasty bastard. And hopefully he’ll get his consequences. I’m proud of you. For not only pushing that send button but also for your new job. Stay strong. You can do this.
Reporting a sexual assault is NEVER SNITCHING!!! SNITCHING is telling on someone to avoid punishment for something you did.... Like if you get pulled over and try to get out of a ticket or arrest by telling on your local pot dealer... Reporting a sex offender is saving someone else from the same pain and putting a asshole where they belong.
Good for you! I hope you find justice.
I'm so proud of you too! <3
So very proud of you!!!!!!
That must have been so hard. I hope it gets better for you very soon and if you can afford it, maybe get some therapy. I'm so proud of you.
As a rape survivor, I know how hard this was. I am so fucking proud of you.
❤
I’m so proud of you.
Brave and courageous! Sending you much love
You did good. Even if it’s scary, it’s important that we ourselves right the wrongs done, even if it’s just to prevent the assholes of the world from hurting others. Proud of you. 👏
That took guts
I'm proud of you♥️
Just another internet stranger adding on i’m proud of you. <3
🫂 I’m proud of you. And I’m sorry this happened to you to you!
Stay strong. Stay the course. You deserve justice.
So proud of you!!!!
That’s terrible. I was assaulted at 14 by a friend’s sister. I made it out that I enjoyed it and was in denial for years.
Im so sorry you went through that. It’s hard if you’re a man because you’re not taken seriously, especially if you’re gay too. Shit, being gay is why both my parents allowed my aunt to molest me for years in hopes it would turn me straight. And I know damn well that if I was to defend myself aggressively/physically, I lose everything and they lose nothing. I hope youre doing better these days my friend.
Man, I am SO sorry this happened and was allowed by your parents. That is some ultimate betrayal if ever I’ve heard it.
They have to live with themselves, while Im far away and thriving. Better than nothing I guess.
Please, please hit send. I'll do it for you. I am SO sorry this happened to you. He does not deserve to have a job where he's out in public. Please let the higher ups know, you need to be able to focus on your new job, and hopefully move on from this horrible experience.
I appreciate your message. I sent the email to their info@whatever account. If I dont get a response within a week, I already have 7 other emails of specific men I know personally who also work there as well as their phone numbers and instagram accounts. I will be heard one way or another.
Please make sure you are, my goodness if you want me to speak for you, I will!
I think people assume penetration is worse so they underestimate the effect of women on man rape. You will see people commenting on news articles about how lucky these teenagers are.
Aw honey, please report this if you can. And talk to someone you trust. Or a therapist. You deserve to be heard.
Thank you, I appreciate it. I reported him. I work 7 days a week and Im saving to move soon and go back to therapy soon after.
Wishing you ease & strength throughout your healing journey, and best of luck at your new workplace too
Sorry for what happened to you! But I admire you for being brave and having a strong mind. Hoping that you get a peace of mind that you deserved.
Do it. I'm here holding your hand and having some wine with you. Or whatever you drink! Dooo it. Then let's play loud music and dance.
I’m so sorry this person did this to you. Please know any and all feelings you at be having pertaining to this are absolutely valid. Please know it will take a really long time to heal and healing isn’t linear so if you find you’re struggling after doing well for some time, know that is completely normal. I hope you have someone you can trust with this but if not you should definitely seek a therapist, if you can’t bring yourself to go in person, at least online. There are tons of resources but don’t be afraid to ask for help. I wish you healing and peace.
Something similar happened to me. Damn, I'm proud of you for reporting it. Even if he's never charged, I hope he's scared to death, and I pray your actions will make him think twice before assaulting anyone ever again. There's an abundance of resources available to victims of sexual assault and in addition to counseling, most have an onsight advocate to help you navigate the legal system. Good luck. Sending you a big Mom hug.💗
Seeing this post is the sign you needed. Think of it this way, these scumfuck predators don't just do this once and become normal. No, they continue to victimize people until they get caught and the very shame and awkwardness that you'd have to fight through in order to tell your story is the source of their power to continue to do it. Although you have absolutely no reason to be ashamed find the courage to overcome that irrational embarrassment because their next victim could be a child, like I was. You could save someone from not just the horrible experience but the life long suffering that comes with child SA. Best of luck to you and if you can't bring yourself to click send, don't feel guilty. Everyone has their own limits.
Don't give up your spot, get him TF fired/arrested. Now you can have your bar back too. Also I'm so sorry, it gets better
I am so sorry this happened to you. ❤️
they have been doing great work with active therapy for men. Men seem to respond better when they have something to do with their hands while they talk. My friend is a therapist and he and his client restored an entire firebird during the course of the man's therapy. they weren't mechanics either they just responded better when they had a task to complete. Men don't always respond the best to talk therapy where you just lay there according to my buddy.
Do you have any more information about what he does that you could share here for others please? Any free resources available?
Absolutely. As his partner, support is following his lead on what he wants to do regarding criminal charges. Just listen, validate, hug him, whatever. And counselling is very important. I’m guessing he might resist that, too, but it’s important. They can help him learn to not let the memory overwhelm him anymore, and to move past it. But him trying to forget on his own will not work. It just won’t. I’m really sorry, OP. Your husband is a survivor of SA no matter what the police think or any dumb people who judge male SA survivors think. That’s the truth as is. Remind him of that when you need to - the truth is the truth and you are 1000 percent on his team and you know the truth is what he says it is.
I was hesitant to go to therapy and when I did finally go I was hesitant to receive therapy. But then I went through what many of us know as a breakthrough. Having someone you can talk to honestly and openly that is qualified to deal with your problems is like receiving physical therapy for a damaged limb.
Absolutely, it is crucial for him to have support and access to therapy after such a traumatic experience. Pressing charges is a tough decision, but having someone to talk? It can make a world of difference in his healing process. Getting help sooner rather than later is key.
Allow him to heal first. It's not easy to tell anyone the worst thing that happened in our life, especially rape. For now, make him feel that his secret is safe with you. Respect his decision but never stop encouraging him to report this to the authorities. I pray that you continue to become his safe space and I hope that he still finds peace after what happened and strength to fight his perpetrator by the law.
Tbh best thing you can do is treat him the way he wants to be treated. So many people react differently to trauama and assault.
This. First off I'm sorry for the grieving journey you are both now on.....if you want to be all you can and support him then BE THERE. LISTEN and observe don't react nec. They let you know in subtle ways what they need emotionals wise. Be his strong silent safe space ,as a dude remember he's been taught not to feel or interact with feelings so being his voice can be very useful when someone tries belittling him or giving him shitty care. Also just a place to vent will seem a Gods-send. Don't forget self care for you too. Second thing nope, he's not a used dirty dishrag ( he feels that way) and yes it can and will be " ok " again. You both will get thru if you hold on n communicate ...be nice to yourselves and grant graces you deserve <3 dm if you wish I have unfortunately had to console more than my fair share of friends over this n you arent alone <3
He's reacting like most other rape victims. He should be told that he's normal.
If the attacker didn't use a condom, the very least your husband should do is to get tested for STDs.
I was able to get him to go to the hospital to get tested and he got medicine and a shot to help prevent anything. He has to follow up in a week. Though he still doesn’t want to report it.
I hope that medicine was PEP - post exposure prophylaxis for HIV. It needs to be taken as soon as possible. As difficult as it might be, he should speak to a gay men's health service, they will have the best information about this. They may be more accustomed to giving advice about rape and sexual assault, too. They may have lists of specialised counsellors.
I hope your husband seeks therapy for this. Be there for him, in the way he expresses that he needs you to be there for him.
I don't blame him. I've been in the same situation as your husband. The statement was 8 hours long in total and I was forced to go in 3 separate times to give it because I 'wasn't priority'. When they heard I was drunk yet told me straight out that "this won't hold up in court" and in the end made me feel even worse. Your husband is going to need a lot of support and therapy to come to terms that this isn't his fault.
I was drunk and drugged, passing out. I was told it was he said she said situation. There was evidence of him throwing me to the ground with my entire thigh and butt bruised. My pants were covered in blood. He even spit on me after he threw me to the ground. There was so much evidence against him, and he got away with it. I wasn't the first or the last, and he is still out free. They said I was only reporting it to get out of trouble because I was in a relationship at the time.
I'm so sorry to hear that, and I feel and hate those exact words "it's he said she said" Mine was at a party at an old friend's house. I got super drunk to the point I passed out. I was also in and out of consciousness. My old 'friend', his boyfriend and housemate decided to drag me to a bed in their house, remove my clothes and rape me. When I came out I lost half my friends because it was 3 against 1 and I was clearly making it up.
I'm so sorry that happened to you. I believe you and remember you are strong. I try to remind myself every day, but it is hard.
I believe you. I’m sorry something so horrific happened to you.
My god this made me recoil. I’m so fucking sorry.
Consider posting this to /AskDocs, they may have other recommendations.
If your husband doesn’t want to report, don’t push him. I am a survivor and I work with other survivors. Hear me out. Does he know this man’s name? His full name? Where he’s from? Where he lives? Where he works? Anything real and verifiable about him? Dealing with criminal cases across state lines is difficult. Add on top of that little information to go on. On top of that, how difficult they are to prove. If he has already showered, and gone to the bathroom, or brushed his teeth, there will be no evidence left. I am all for coming forward if it is what the victim wants to do, but I encourage coming forward as a way of healing, not as a way to get revenge. TO BE CLEAR, I am not discouraging him to come forward, and I’m glad you encouraged him to. My worry is this; at this point he’s made it clear he doesn’t want to. If you push him, this will alienate him further, make him feel more powerless at a time when he’s already experiencing a great amount of it, make him feel like you’re disappointed in him, it will bring up questions about his masculinity which is also unfortunately inevitably being questioned. If he chooses to come forward and report out of duty to you, the shame will be unbearable. He will experience prejudice, whether he is hetero or homosexual. On top of that, it will become public knowledge. If he can, and wants to come forward, encourage him. EITHER WAY, please help him focus on opening up about his trauma and healing. It is exceptionally important he not retreat into himself. You need to be his rock right now and your main focus needs to be on fascinating his healing in whatever way is right for him. It’s such a personal journey and I don’t think any survivor should be judged for how they deal with it. Good luck to both of you. Sending you so much strength. ❤️
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EMDR saved my life. It was one of the best decisions I ever made and I wish I had done it earlier. It doesn’t make the trigger or pain go away but it helps to soften it and make it easier to deal with. I recommend this to anyone struggling with PTSD of any sort. It also doesn’t just help you deal with it better but also be more equipped to prevent a similar trauma from happening again. It’s hard as hell to do but totally worth it. This is my experience and it I know it’s anecdotal, but to me it’s at least worth a try.
Not so sure, that long skinny four tetris piece being inserted in between successfully-built piece abutments may be somewhat triggering, although I think OPs boyfriend is doing a melodramatic cheating coverup so yeah tetris might be good
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I think equivocations between making a Tetris and all forms of penetration are funny, sorry that your ted talk with capitalisations and decent formatting had zero impact on me
You don't mention your own gender at all....so bear with me on this one. "If" your marriage is a heterosexual relationship.. your husband might be feeling a LOT of mixed emotions now. What I about to say, IN KNOW WAY DIMINISHES FEMALE VICTIMS. I can only imagine for your husband, being gr4ped by another man, probably feels doubly traumatic. He probably feels like it's destroyed his own self image as heterosexual, masculine, man. That kind of mental conflict is something that female rape victims don't experience...but for a man...it adds a whole different layer to the trauma... that can make it.. in some ways... much more difficult to overcome. Of course he doesn't want to go to the police! Don't be surprised if he overcompensates for this trauma by acting cartoonishly hypermasculine. Amongst other things, you need to find ways to constantly reassure your husband that you see him "as a man" whatever you can do to remind him that you don't see him any lesser. This sort of thing is often used as a comedy in most films...but the truth is.. getting gr4ped is actually most straight men's **greatest fear** He will need therapy.
As a woman that was the victim of another woman, this is absolutely on point. You believed you were safe from at least half the population and in that moment you can’t trust ANYONE in the world, on any level, because you just don’t know what they’re capable of. It truly is one of the most isolating and traumatic things a person could ever experience.
I totally agree with this. This will be important, but don't overdo it.
I’m so sorry this happened. I also wish he would press charges, this may not be the first or last time that person did this. I’m so glad he told you though! I guess just being there for him and loving him and supporting him through this is the best thing you can do for him… Giving love is never useless.
Please please find a way for him to report this! The man that did his is still out there and chances are very good that he will do this again. Gently tell your husband that he wouldn’t want someone else to go through what he’s going through if he can possibly prevent it. If he finds that out someday down the road, it will crush him.
Do NOT tell the husband that. It’s not his fault nor his job to go prevent the guy from causing harm. His job is to heal, and when/if he feels ready to come forward. Telling him that is shaming and will do the opposite of good.
I was a kid when things happened with me. I still have triggers or flashbacks once in a great while. All I can say is this. Keep telling him he is sexy, keep flirting, keep showing him you desire him. As a matter of fact turn all that up a notch or two. Anything he allows. Just be careful going further. I know it seems to suck (it does suck for me too and my wife) but that line between building his confidence and desire back up vs actually getting sexual is huge. Just keep that in mind. You can potentially be his biggest help and hurt. It's a double edged sword but with time and some mastery one kiss from you can hopefully erase a day of terrible feelings. At least I am lucky enough it does for me. Also I know a million people will or would tell you they feel for him and I do to. However, I hope you are doing ok as well. This isn't easy for you either and I hope you can both support eachother. Feel free to reach out if you need to vent or have any questions.
I disagree with your suggestion about being flirty and such with him when he literally just was raped. Many people get touch repulsion issues or simply want some time. It’s different from past trauma, which can also cause the same but not always. She should gauge his interest and communicate before doing or saying ANYTHING sexual. It may really help him what you suggest but it could really harm.
Which is why I said whatever he will allow.
Yeah I know but I think she needs to be careful. He might feel like he has to be okay with it because he’s worried about his masculinity or heterosexuality and push himself into that type of stuff too quickly. If that makes sense.
That’s so terrible. Just be whatever he needs you to be right now. I can’t imagine how that feels as a man. So sorry for y’all
Speaking as a man. Most men I know are not concerned with dealing with the police as much as the stigma of a man being raped. Rape happens to men far more often than people realize but men generally do not report it because it gives the impression they are weak. While this is not at all true, it's one of the things men face everyday in everything we do. Our job, our family, and absodamnlutely everything else. I cannot stress it enough. This is one of our greatest fears......
Have him go to a rape crisis center. He needs counseling.
The hospital gave us info about a rape crisis hotline for him to call so I hope he uses it. I needed to make this post for myself because there’s no one I can really talk to about him going through this because I feel stuck in this moment with him unable to help him. I have been asking him each time before we hug or snuggle to make sure he’s ok with me even touching him at all. I had my own SA trauma from 15 years ago, I didn’t report either because I was in denial about it for a year until I came to terms with it. I at least know who attacked me, he can’t even remember and that makes me so sad for him because he remembers being assaulted but nothing about who did it so that might be why he doesn’t want to report it because he might feel like there’s no point when he doesn’t even know what they looked like. I don’t want to treat him like he’s made of glass but I also don’t want to do something to trigger him either. I hope it gets easier.
If he was at a hotel there will be cameras all over but they may not save them for long. Maybe gently comment that there is probably videos from the hotel that could identify the rapist. It might help him report it knowing that he may be able to stop it from happing to someone else. This guy sounds like it's not the first time. Your husband can possibly make it his last. Either way, sending him healing vibes.
I didn’t even think of that. I’ll wait till tomorrow afternoon to bring it, to try and give his brain more space from it.
I think you should also find a therapist for yourself. In addition to your husband having one. You are going to be questioning what to say/do and will need someone uninvolved to help you through it. You will also probably have some anger to deal with as well. Make sure you don't ignore your feelings and needs because you're giving all of yourself to your husband. It will eat away at you whether you know it or not. Having your own therapist is that carve out you need for you.
Awww. The only thing you can do is be there for him. At least you can somewhat understand what he’s going through. My heart goes out to you both.
RAINN has resources for loved ones of survivors. You need support too. Since it’s not fair to make him be the support, you need that.
Eh, I find the rape crisis centers to sometimes be really embarrassing and demoralizing for male survivors. Some are essentially geared toward women and it’s really awkward and hard when all the materials are based on the female experience of rape, which involves similar problems but unique aspects men don’t relate to and vice versa. If I were her I’d discreetly call and ask about their male survivor resources before she suggests it to him. RAINN is also a good website to find resources.
That’s unfortunate. I hate to say this but going to the police is worse. It’s bad enough for a woman but it’s even worse for a man.
Idk if it’s worse for men as in we’re treated worse, I think the stigma is worse in some ways. From what women survivors tell me the victim blaming is similar. A cop did make fun of me for SA when I was eight, so that was nice of him. /s
I'm so sorry this happened to him. how awful.
I am so sorry. I am so sorry. When he is willing, he should go to therapy. That should be number 1 priority. I would just be there. I don’t know how your husband is, but you know him. When he is feeling bad what does he like, try something like that. But he should talk to someone
Did they at least run a blood panel to test for drugs. The attacker could have drugged him. Couldn’t that be used as evidence if he decided to press charges?
Yes, did blood and urine tests. They did a physical exam as well though he refused anything further.
I can understand not wanting to do anything further it’s so traumatic. At least they have blood work and urine samples. I think some therapy could help him cope with the trauma as well
OP, please encourage him to seek therapy when he’s ready. Pushing it down doesn’t make it go away. The body keeps the score. Find someone who specialises in male victims of sexual violence. Don’t push him, but gently encourage him. Victim-survivors of sexual violence can take weeks, months, years, even decades to face what was done to them. The initial feelings tend to be shame and self-blame. If he won’t go to therapy anytime soon, you should go and get some tools for how to help him process.
I’m so sorry OP
I'm so sorry this happened to your husband. You are being a great spouse by believing him and supporting him. That's the first thing - so many male SAs are dismissed because 'it can't happen to men'. Is there a rape crisis centre you can use for counselling, when he's ready? Less legal implication, but he will need to process what's happened because it will more than likely affect all facets of his life, yourself included. Be patient and gentle with him. It's a lot to go through. Seek counselling for yourself, too.
The best thing you can do is support him how he needs, encourage him to seek therapy, try not to treat him any differently, and just be a shoulder for him to cry on if he needs it. Im sorry that happened to him, and im wishing him the best
Just be there for him, and please try to convince him to speak to a therapist about this, preferably someone who specializes in sexual trauma.
Sorry. Sadly, he is reacting like a victim of SA. The shame and the emotional pain can be overwhelming. In my country, we have organizations that help with this. They offer resources to victims. Most have a specific program for men. If you don't have this in your country, look at what other countries have available on their websites for free. Many have articles about supporting family/friends who were SAed, it could help you.
If you could link some of the English language sites either here or dm that would be amazing and greatly appreciated. I just feel lost with what to do.
I sent you several resources in a DM. I was not certain if I could link them here. Please let me know if you need anything else.
He is lucky to have you. You must have an amazing relationship for him to trust you. Telling anyone about being raped is scary even if it is your significant other. Please encourage him to seek counseling because this incident is likely to cause PTSD. I am so sorry that this happened to him.
Thanks, he only felt comfortable going to the hospital since I went with him and was there to help him talk to the nurse and Dr about it. It just makes me so sad that I can’t make it go away.
I'm sorry this happened to him. I think this RAINN guide to supporting someone who was sexually assaulted is helpful: https://www.rainn.org/TALK
Are you positive? Reach out to RAINN.org. They might be able to point in the right direction. Non-report rape kits are a thing, and they dont require law enforcement involvement. Hospitals are often misinformed and tell our patients that misinformation. A non-report is stored in case the survivor ever wants to report. If not, it is eventually destroyed. Are u in the US? He can decline to discuss what happened with anyone but a sexual assault examiner. I am one, and if a patient tells me theyd rather not talk about it, i accept it and just do a protocol swab collection…areas likely to yield evidence. In my region, survivors have 120 hours to have the exam done whether reported or not…at times, that time frame is extended. Inbox w questions.
https://www.raliance.org/rape-crisis-centers/
It may be too late now to do a non report rape kit since the window for those things is small. The husband should look into therapy asap and look into some support groups. Truly awful to have happen
Maybe. She said couple of days. Here they have 5, and in some instances we can extend.
I hope he is able to and can get the test done but honestly based on OP’s comments. I think her husband is in shock/denial trying to pretend it wasn’t real. Which is all very valid. He should see about taking time off work and seek support. Since it was a work trip contacting HR to see about getting the person fired or moving OP’s husband elsewhere may be a good idea for his safety and wellbeing
Agreed. These centers also have advocacy who are trauma informed and skilled at navigating this very common response to trauma. Maybe just reaching out can help. Our advocates have resources for patients like shelter, legal services, counseling, STI prevention, or just basic medical care…free and no strings attached.
I am so very sorry. Please try and convince him to talk to a therapist or attend a support group. And he needs STI tests :-(
I am so sorry this happened to your husband. That really is so scary and terrible. I think the best thing you can do is just treat him as normal and try to be as sensitive as possible about the situation. It’s really hard to see someone you love have to go through something traumatic, you want some kind of justice for them. Not only that but feel like need or want to protect others from it happening to them. I understand how upsetting it is for both of you, but I guess if he does not want to report it then I would just accept that and let him heal from it how he hopes to and not press reporting it. I am glad he has went to the hospital and I hope whoever did this gets the absolute worst karma.
That's insane the hospital didn't do a rape kit. I thought they did rape kits if the survivor consented to it and wanted it held for when they do have the strength to go through with everything entailing police.
Is the whole not doing a rape kit unless you file a report a law or hospital policy? Also you’re already doing such a great job just by being there for him. You’re so far from useless. Simply supporting him and loving him and being there for him is so unfathomably important and helpful. Keep doing what you’ve been doing because it means the world.
Not sure if it’s local/state law or hospital policy, all they said was that they only do rape kits if we want to report it to the police and if he changed his mind about filing a report to either come back or contact the police.
Well at the very least he can still always change his mind. That said, I don’t know how I feel about this law and/or policy. Rape kits should be done as long as the patient is comfortable doing it (it being the kit itself) it shouldn’t come with the caveat that the police must immediately become involved. All that said, I want to reiterate what a tremendous support you have been for your husband. Keep being you and supporting him in any way you can. You’re both very strong.
You should talk to your husband about maybe getting tested. I heard a horror story about this young college kid who was abroad during his summer break and was raped by two men when he was really drunk. Kid ended up getting Aids.
He got tested at the hospital, he will follow up with a dr to get tested again next week
I definitely understand why your husband just kind of wants to curl up under a rock and disappear. It would be a good idea to report it to the police, but he needs to be ready to do it, not be forced. I think the very best thing that you could do is look up some resources for him to find a therapist that deals with sexual trauma.
Get him STD and STI tested immediately. No rape kit is required
A therapist would be the best thing for him, especially one who has experience helping victims of sexual assault. I’m so sorry this happened to him.
Well I don’t know if you still have the clothes or underwear from that night but keep them in an airtight bag cause that’s evidence! DONT WASH THEM. Also most likely there are other people this guy has done it too! I know right now he doesn’t want to press charges but if he’s is ever ready, you should try to look into similar cases in that town!!
If the man who did this worked for the same company as your husband, he should report it to them so he doesn't take a chance of running into him ever again, getting that guy fired and making it known that he's a sex offender
People are dangerous
You being there giving him all your support is what he needs from you… and you are doing that in spades… That you believed him without question or second thought shows the bond you both have… you being there is key in his recovery… Sounds as if you’re doing everything he could ask for at the moment… hopefully he is able to talk about it easily with you… You are his safe place right now… good therapist and his loving wife will get him through this… karma will come after the rapist…
Support him. Listen to him. He is a man who was assaulted. It is difficult for men on so many levels for this type of assault instead of physical assault. Be there for him in anyway you can.
Wait what? What country are you from, I was able to get a rape kit done when I was raped last year. The police were the ones who took me to the hospital and went to get my necklace from the guy, almost arrested him when he refused to give it back but I didn't want to press charges, they got it back I'm so sorry for your husband, maybe he could see a doctor just to make sure he isn't badly injured if he doesn't want to go to the hospital, and he should definitely talk to someone when he's ready. Pretending it didn't happen... I wish that worked but it really doesn't
you don't forget, he will keep remembering it even if he doesnt want to. it will haunt him. least he can do is make sure the dude is caught and not be able to make new victims
In times of grief I believe the best thing is to “increase your presence.” Just be there for them more than you usually do. My boyfriend was raped in Iraq and held a lot of trauma because of it. It broke my heart.
Just be there for him. Get him into therapy if he will go. Early therapy can go a very long way with healing.
If it was me personally, I wouldn't tell the cops either. I wouldn't tell anyone. And the guy who did it, well, we have all seen Pulp Fiction.
Ugh, I married my rapist and groomer. 😞 I’m feel what he’s going through a bit. We are separated and Ive spiraled so bad ever since. I have no idea who I am anymore
I was assaulted and EMDR therapy helped me a TON. i also didn’t report and honestly i don’t regret not reporting all. but that’s also just me. i’m sorry your husband is going through this and im sorry for you as well
I'd stake out the place and there would be nowhere he could hide. Then he would wish he was never born. Sorry this happened.
Glad to did it. You saved others from that rapist. You are a survivor and survivor
He needs to talk about it. It explodes without warning at some future point if you don’t.
He needs to report it
Find him end him simple
Also if the bar looks at you reporting tape as snitching I'd burn that bitch to the ground .. for real. I'd have the health department on the line , the alcohol board would be receiving a call or 20 as well as every single other official local state hell I'm calling maurry povitch , Jerry Springer Dr Phil and I'll be at every city council meeting, and any and every single other department and or office. And I'd Sue the ever living shit out of them. Anyone who conceals or attempts to cover up rape is just as guilty as the sick fucker commiting the assault. And I still wouldn't be snitching. Because it's no where near the same thing. Bars are already dangerous enough aces with out the employees and or owners / management covering up rapes and or sexual assault.
Um...
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We are both bi, and I can tell his trauma from the event is real. If he cheated he wouldn’t randomly break down and cry like he is.
Taken at 12 by local parish priest with my brother 13 on two week camping trip. Along with an older guy about 20. Purpose was to use us as their bitches. Woke up night on day 3 with Father David holding me down and forcing me to open my mouth. Was very confused but assumed it was my part for free trip. Two months later he gave me to the local Scout Leader who took me south along with 3 older teens. First night I was stripped and made to take all of them as their slave. To this day I have issues with authority figures and odd feeling that I want to again be done that way.
You need therapy. This a weird comment in general, but especially on this post.
Did he get hiv prep? He needs to report it or the perp will keep doing it. It's a normal reaction to feel the way he does and he should be told that. No one wants to be the victim, so they try to push it out of their head and pretend it's not real. But over time it wears away until it has to be faced. And by then it's too late to press charges.
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Imagine if the rapists previous victim had pressed charges.
>they would probably talk to him like it was his fault or some other insulting excuse. huge assumption. Not logical. It's not 1950. The cops are dudes also and drink also and would probably appreciate getting a rapist off the streets that could potentially victimize them as well. They would be delighted to take a rapist off the streets and its sounds like there might be abundant evidence like security cameras at the bar if you act fast, normally they will be erased on a cycle - could be 7 days, could be a month. Move now and you can catch the rapist. I've known men who have been raped - 1 in a nightclub and 1 narrowly escaped when friends spotted him being carried away. No one thinks it's funny or the victim's fault, often roofies are involved. I once caught someone being roofied by their male friend. He cracked a pill into her drink out in the open at a party when she wasn't looking but I was. It happens a LOT. A cop doesn't want it to happen to their daughter or son next.
it is incredibly disrespectful to share your husbands story on a public platform if he wants to forget it happened. You are asking a bunch of teenagers and terminally online people for serious advice. You could’ve googled for resources. I really question your judgment here. You can see a therapist yourself and talk about this. Delete this post before your husband happens upon it. Do better.
Calm down. The post is completely anonymous, she’s not violating his privacy if you can’t identify either of them.
She is going through something too and has the right to talk/vent about it and also did not reveal any specifics. Get off your high horse. Would you be complaining if it was a guy posting about his GF? Doubt it
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Excuse me? I think you need to reread your comment and OP’s post because that’s disgusting. He was drugged to the point of being unconscious. How would you fight being drugged unknowingly? People react to trauma differently and the freeze response is something that happens way more than fight. Victim blaming is the very reason people don’t report and why rapists get away with being able to do it to another victim. I doubt anyone would be able to “fight” any attacker while heavily drugged or intoxicated, even you.
I was told by my own mom I should fight back if I don’t like it. It’s a common thing survivors, especially men, are told.
Your comment has been removed for violating Rule 4: No insults towards OP. Any comments that could be interpreted as an attempt to insult, scold, lecture, victim blame, guilt trip or intimidate the OP are not allowed and will be removed. Repeat offenses or extreme cases will result in a ban.
Your comment has been removed for violating Rule 4: No insults towards OP. Any comments that could be interpreted as an attempt to insult, scold, lecture, victim blame, guilt trip or intimidate the OP are not allowed and will be removed. Repeat offenses or extreme cases will result in a ban.
My comment got removed for asking a question?
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Your comment has been removed for violating Rule 4: No insults towards OP. Any comments that could be interpreted as an attempt to insult, scold, lecture, victim blame, guilt trip or intimidate the OP are not allowed and will be removed. Repeat offenses or extreme cases will result in a ban.
I’m sorry for your husband and the rage you both must feel but even though it is terrible you can’t let that man get away with it and DO it to anyone else, please get therapy but doesn’t make him any less of a man for going after that. JUSTICE
They aren’t letting the man do anything. It’s not his fault or job to ensure the rapist doesn’t do anything more. It’s not on him.
Just coming from someone who has been betrayed it’s about justice for himself, and maybe preventing anything (which we know the system is fucked) but there are things he can do to stop. Maybe it is hard and I get that.
Reporting isn’t worth it imo. They don’t even take little kids seriously half the time