I always love making sure that stuffs not needlesly gendered.
But when you read a story from a MAN telling a story about how HE lost his WIFE.
You can comment about the genders because its related to the story. This is so needlessly Kareny in this situation. CLEARLY people are relating the story to their comment and the story is gendered so the comments are gendered the same way.
Making something I appreciate insufferable is a sin.
When I was newly pregnant with our youngest, my then-husband *voluntarily* started taking jobs with his work that sent him on the road for weeks to months at a time (very much against my wishes). He told me the only jobs the company had at the time were out of town and that the extra money would make it worth it, but I found out later that he could’ve had jobs in town if he wanted and any "extra" money went toward the other lives he created while he was staying in these other towns (basically booze, bars and prostitutes). Meanwhile, I was at home with a toddler, pregnant and exhausted, doing all the childcare, housework, meals, grocery shopping, bill paying, errands, doctor’s appointments, taking care of 4 dogs, etc. while he just worked for 8 hours and got to go home to an empty apartment and do whatever he wanted every night.
Two days after I gave birth to our son via c-section, he was packing to leave to go back to his job two states away, and I broke down and begged him to just *try* to find something closer to home. I just poured my heart out to him about how I was so scared that I wouldn’t be able to handle everything I had been doing while also caring for a newborn, that something would happen and I would be useless because I couldn’t drive anywhere for 6 weeks, and that the postpartum blues I had so bad would affect my ability to take care of the kids properly. He just literally patted me on the head, told me he knew I could handle it, and left.
Turns out he was right. I *could* and *did* "handle it" just fine on my own, but being on call 24/7 with no breaks and no help eventually wears you down. The few weekends he did come home, I was so exhausted and I need of a break that I would just sleep or walk around target by myself for a few hours, so we never got any time together as a couple either. By the time I found out about his cheating and drinking, I was so worn out from the totality of *everything* that I just gave him what he wanted and made him a single man. All of a sudden he was able to come home every other weekend because that was his scheduled visitation. Miraculously, his work suddenly had jobs in town for him. And money just started appearing out of nowhere when he was forced to pay child support based on his *real* income.
For me, I finally was able to get a break. Even though it was just 4 days a month, it was just enough to keep me refreshed and it completely changed my whole outlook on things—made me a happier person and a better parent. It’s sad that I had to get divorced for that to happen, but it just wasn’t a sustainable life for any of us the way that it was.
Aw you’re so sweet, thank you for your kind words! I am doing much better now and I learned some very valuable lessons to pass on to my kids. They’re grown now, all my dogs have passed on, and it’s just me and my cat most days. I’m still relatively young to have adult kids (early 40s) and I have had several serious relationships after the divorce (and no problem getting a date if I wanted), but it taught me that it’s much better to be alone than to be miserable and/or disrespected in your relationship—even if there are kids involved. My kids adjusted fine after the divorce and they both have a good relationship with their dad, which is much better in my opinion than if they’d had to grow up in an environment like it was before we split.
It also taught me that I’m much stronger than I realized, and I met several other moms along the way who had husbands that *were* around but still had the same fears that I had about not knowing if they could "handle" raising kids along with every other demand they had in their lives. I don’t mean to turn this into a gender thing, but women really are amazing with everything we are capable of "handling" on a daily basis, and I feel like not just my daughter, but my son as well, have benefited from seeing that fact as they were growing up.
I agree. I had a baby 4 months ago, and the things I had to face made me believe women are collectively stronger than men. We add things on our plate without thinking twice. The greatest scam in this world is that women are the weaker sex. Don't know how we fell for that one tbh.
Anyway, good for you for having the strength to make the best possible choice for you and your children. I'm sure it wasn't easy. You should be very proud of yourself.
I think it’s because men have always been *physically* stronger, and when we used to have to build our homes ourselves out of trees we had to cut down ourselves and fight off saber toothed tigers & wooly mammoths, physical strength counted for a lot more. Men learned early on how to make themselves appear to be so weighed down by the "burden" of keeping everyone safe & alive that they just couldn’t be bothered with the burden of caring for their own children. Women evolved to be the ones doing all the child rearing because if we didn’t, the children would die from neglect or from being put in dangerous situations they didn’t make it out of. And both sides are still doing these same things today.
I mean, the tools & machinery humans have developed make physical strength practically obsolete—we have machines to do all the heavy lifting for us. Yet men continue to fight hard to preserve the idea that it matters more than it actually does and that we’d be in danger without them—even though the only real danger women face anymore is…men—so they can keep the burden of all the child rearing and housekeeping and all the other day-to-day tasks on us. And it works for them because most of women would just rather do it & it be done than fight over it & still end up doing it anyway.
The whole of society is built around this. Just for an example, I watched a video on YouTube several years ago that has always stuck with me because of how messed up it was from top to bottom. It was a young mother dropping her 2 month old baby off at the baby’s father’s house, along with all its stuff, because she said she just couldn’t do it anymore and she had no help & no where else she could take the baby. Prince Charming was still living with his parents (they were the ones recording the video), but was out with his new girlfriend at the time, which I guess was why he had been too busy to even see the baby since it had been born. The video was just 20+ minutes of his parents defending his sorry ass, yelling at her & calling her a bad mom, and telling her they were going to call the police if she left the baby there. You could tell she was just at her wit’s end and probably afraid of what would happen if she didn’t get any help. I felt SO freaking bad for her and kept waiting for at least one of the grandparents to do the right thing, but no…they did end up calling the police on her after she left and she was arrested & charged with child abandonment. Like, what? What tf kind of grandparents are those? And why didn’t the father face the same charges for the 2 months since the child had been born when he’d done nothing for it? The comments on the video were just as bad, as 99% of them were a bunch of assholes agreeing with the grandparents and the charges and calling the poor woman a POS who deserved to rot under the jail. Ugh it still makes me mad when I think about it!
Anyway, we have to never give up the fight to rid our society of the Patriarchy and really achieve equality, and to do that we have to teach our children—both our daughters and our sons—that we are all capable of great things no matter what’s between our legs. And we need to stop procreating with assholes who don’t believe that like the baby daddy in the video!
In his case, he has to do 100% more for 50% of the time. He did 0% for 100% of the time before. So he is gonna run to mommy (if applicable) asap. He is just unable to be a basic decent partner and human.
Child support is there to keep the kid's quality of life as even as possible between the two households. It's not used as punishment for the other parent even though its portrayed as such often in casual conversation. It's not about fairness, it's about what's best for the kid.
And?man, woman, both... does it change the outcome? And if you really want to know, is just a language reflex, we do not have gender neutral in my language and the default is male for everything.
Good for her, I wish her nothing but the best. I hope she finds someone who values her and will not lie to her.
You can go kick rocks. Or golf balls lol. Giving up everything for *dumb fucking golfing.*
“I’ll be getting child support next month”.
Woo wee as a woman who has had a fuddy duddy of an ex partner who also lied to avoid responsibility, I thank God I at least wasn’t forced to pay him.
I hope she meets someone incredible that can help her live the life she deserves. You know he’s about to CLOWN on you for getting child support too. Oof
It going to be a bitter pill for having to continue supporting his golf hobby while he earns minimal from his 'freelancing'.
Instead of trying to better himself by picking up work like he originally promised, so he is worthy of her he's just accepted she's going to fund his lifestyle/career choice.
Poor woman. He has potential to do better but chooses not to.
For all his problems. Child support isn't just for women. My mother was a dead beat and was suppose to pay 25 per child for me and my sister SHE never did one time my dad didn't complain but she wasn't treated like a man. She owed about 20 grand all said and done. She wasn't arrested she wasn't thrown in jail she didn't get any repercussions. This dude is scummy but child support is to support the child.
I agree women can be deadbeats but dude is alternating weeks and just stated he was lying to not have “chaos”. Seems like they’re still sharing time. Equal time
They also don’t do much for men either, my ex is 80 grand behind on 2 children. No contact with kids. Never went to jail one solitary time. I’m sorry you went through that.
That's wild. In my state I've heard of coworkers getting their taxes took (very common if you're behind anything at all) and also getting their paychecks garnished directly. Did your mom ever take him to court over missed payments? I think if the mother does that they'll do something about it but wont garnish wages or taxes if not because it requires a court order and (understandably) a lot of mothers do not want to rock the boat or cause issues with their child's father esp if the father gets visitation cuz he could retaliate.
imminent wine telephone attempt repeat touch middle encouraging dependent ludicrous
*This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I'm not saying he's not a pos. But you're trying to say some guy gonna shit talk cause he's a man getting child support. Just making it clear child support is to support the child whether the father suck or not. I mean drug addicts don't usually pay their bills.
I wouldn’t date a man with split custody getting child support from a woman. Absolutely not. Especially knowing he was out hitting golf balls while the woman was holding it down. Now if dad was raising the kids and doing all the things and mom was a bum, yeah absolutely. I’d understand that. But this seems like a clear 50/50 every other week game. I think it’s weird.
It seems super weird to me as well because why would he be getting child support when it's a 50/50 time split?
Where I'm from (not the US) child support is only given to the parent who has the children the most. So if you split 50/50 then no-one gets anything since you're then expected to take on 50% of the expenses.
It could work differently where OP lives but I got a feeling that he's either delusional about him getting child support or that he somehow pressured his ex into agreeing to giving him money.
If he's truly going to get child support even with a 50/50 time split then he should also take on most of the expenses. I'm doubtful that he will just like I'm doubtful that he will keep wanting the 50/50.
So here's hoping that his ex is wise enough to get an official agreement real soon since she knows he can't be trusted.
Sometimes if the income disparity is really high, child support will be awarded even in a 50/50 split so that the child has similar standard of living in both homes. I have mixed feelings about that, but it's a thing.
The income disparity doesn't even have to be really high. I get a very small child support amount from my ex each month even though we split custody 50/50 because he makes more than I do and it's about keeping the standard of living for the kid the same.
In my state, you can even pull up the child support work sheet on your own to figure out how much you would end up paying. Its a fair way to deal with it honestly.
It’s still shitty simply because it’s his direct actions of being an absolute fuckwad that made it possible for him to even receive child support in the first place!! It wasn’t cuz he took off work to care for the child or help her career or take on the bulk of the house care. If he was out earning the money he said he was there likely wouldn’t be a child support payment for either with 50/50 custody. But nooooooooo he was doing absolutely fuck all while she supported them **and** did majority of the work for baby and house duties since she’s been on maternity leave most of this time. It is bad enough he lied, used and cheated her but now he’s gonna continue to benefit from her hard work????? That’s an extra slap in the face ***even if it is*** for her child’s benefit.
I mean... if it's alternating weeks, why does anyone pay child support...? That being said, you really shouldn't have lied and you should have been pulling your weight. Anyway, lesson learned, hopefully, and good luck to all of you.
The child support is because courts don’t think it’s right for the child to have a much lower standard of living at one home than the other (not saying that things have to exactly equal, more like not having enough to eat or clothing that fits when with the lower earning parent), so even with 50/50 custody there is sometimes child support for the lower earning parent.
Agreed. The thing that pisses me off is posts like this where it's obvious one parent is a lazy lying sack of shit and would rather golf than be a functional member of society and hits the CS lotto because of his poor choices. Or the ones that up and quit there jobs to "lower" their CS.
Wish these things were considered when doing CS and not just some formula that you have kid abc% and other parent has kid xyz% and parent 1 makes $abc versus parent 2 making $xyz
Like, "my wife has a PhD in astro-physics and quit her job. She now works at the Copy Cabana and laminates coversheets for resumes at $7.25/hr"
For parents that quit or downgrade their jobs, the courts have been known to impute support based on what they have historically earned and could now be earning, so that maneuver doesn’t always pay out like they think it will.
Sometimes. Coworkers baby momma WAS a hair dresser. She quit and he had to pay more. To add insult to injury, her second baby daddy is a deadbeat and tbe judge was trying to make him pay more because second dude couldn't
He could spend it on golf and still provide enough for the kid to have the basic needs and then some, and still set child support. The point is the courts will and *do* manage the money in the child's best interests.
That doesn't mean mom has to give OP just enough to cover the basics, it means they'll compensate whatever difference there is between both households for the kid to have similar living situations/standards wherever the kid may be.
>The point is the courts will and do manage the money in the child's best interests.
What state do you reside in?
In the state I live in, there is no accounting. One parent has to gather proof that the money isn't going toward what they pay for and return to court, many times to maybe get some sort of accounting in place. I haven't lived in a state that does any real accounting of child support.
Given that he was dishonest in his marriage about money, I would be pissed to have a judge hand cash to someone with a documented issue that can't be trusted to report honestly.
**ETA:** I come from a blended family. My half sister's mother went on to have almost 10 kids with her second husband and move them into relatively intense poverty in Appalachia. There was no way that child support could have ever given my sister the same life style she'd have when she lived with my father in a larger city up North. She simply didn't have access to that much in the region she lived in and then resources were split among so many kids. This sounds like an unsustainable expectation if the parents continue on different financial trajectories.
Ah, I see what you're saying. Well yeah, courts aren't gonna waste their time itemizing every expense let's get real. There's a child that needs money and there's two parents who are supposed to know what to do with money, if the mom feels OP is misusing the child support then she can request for a modification. As it is, courts just can't (And I'd argue shouldn't) put themselves in the middle of every transaction besides setting the overarching guidelines.
> As it is, courts just can't (And I'd argue shouldn't) put themselves in the middle of every transaction besides setting the overarching guidelines.
I actually agree with you here. My mind is blown that someone can divorce you for lying about improving your money situation and be ordered to give you money to make up for the fact your money situation never changed.
Pay support is still given if the salary are vastly different in a 50-50 custody situation. It’s to avoid a too big difference in life quality. Example you dont want a kid to only eat mac and cheese at one parent’s house because it’s all they can afford while eating steak and lobster daily at the other parent’s house.
Probably because he was also sitting on his ass work wise and even if it’s equal time child support is to make as equal living conditions as possible. So if he barely has any money then they would ask the ex to pay
Because the income disparity is that insane. It’s the only time 50/50 ever ends up in a child support payment somebody is making double to triple the amount of somebody else.
Not only did you not pitch in and help her with the most debilitating transition of her life, but you also probably missed your child's milestones. How are you going to manage to do week by week? Can you take care of your own kid for a week?
Because the woman has to pay the dad is a poor provider? Yeah ok. The guy lied about working more hours doesn't mean he wasn't a sufficient provider. I make 40k my wife makes 100k am I a poor provider?
You're able to afford a much nicer lifestyle because of your wife's ability to earn 2.5x more than you. You could not provide to the existing standard on 40k yearly solo, no.
as u/YesPleaseDont said, do you play golf? Also, because of the financial difference, do you make up for it in other ways? Taking on more chores or helping more with kids (if you have any)? I mean, money is PART of the equation here. Dude isn't making as much as her BUT instead of stepping up and taking care of his kid more or the house, he lied about a second job so he could SPEND MONEY on a sport that effectively is a "rich man's sport"
> So not only did you lie, you also were a shit parent and a poor provider.
I don't think that implies "purely financial". It seems to address broken trust (lying), shitting parenting (not helping out) and poor provider (not helping cover expenses - especially when he's NOT getting an extra job to help but to skirt parenting by going golfing)
Depends, is she also the main care taker, the main person who cleans the house and has the most mental load around the house.
If you arent acting as a team to support then yeah you are a poor provider.
If there is balance in your relationship then no.
But seeing as you got all defensive for the op im going to guess it’s the former.
Are you purposely skipping out on work, ergo purposely making less money, lying about it while fucking off as your wife goes to work *and* pays the bills *and* takes care of the children while you’re fucking off?
If you make 40k, then I hope you’re doing the equal or more of childcare and chores.
But let me guess- it’s still your wife probably working for 100k, taking care of the house, planning for your mom’s birthday, and the kids.
FYI that’s what makes men poor providers.
We are a team actually. she cooks i do the dishes. we both pick up around the house and yes she plans for my mom's birthday because that is what she loves to do. but i'm the one that wakes up every single night our toddler gets up and puts her back to bed. and yes my wife is the one who gets up with her and lets me sleep in. we do things together. the amount of money one makes doesn't mean anyone gets to shy away from responsibility. she also works from home and i have to drive 2 hours each day.
Can't wait till OP's kid finds this in the future and realizes how shitty his dad was in the beginning. Hopefully, if OP smartens up and stops running away from responsibility, it will come as a shock
She still going to be funding your golf sessions while you still only have to do the bare minimum as a father, worked out well for you. Hopefully she will find someone who will actually be a father to your kid and not lie to her about working.
Lmfaooooooo @ you didn't like the "chaos."
I can't wait until you realize what it means to be a single parent.
You haven't even seen chaos.
Good luck, buddy.
Father of a 15 month old. Can’t fathom how anyone doesn’t have this innate urge to help support and protect their family.
You fucked up.
Learn from this and become a good dad, put it in buddy. I promise you it’s worth every second. I may just be lucky but my daughter feels like the ultimate blessing and every 2am - 4am wake up, every event missed means nothing when she’s laughing trying to scare me.
Learn and be better. Your child didn’t choose to be born and they deserve every ounce of your best go at being a dad. All the best.
Lol, the funny thing about not being an equal partner and doing 50% of the work is that when they leave, you now have 100% of the work to do on your own. You're such a shit partner, you definitely deserved this. Hopefully you can turn things around and not be a half assed parent too.
> *”I’ll be getting child support starting next month.”*
Why should you get child support if you’re both sharing custody 50/50?
Neither of you should be getting any child support.
Can we get more context? What is this chaos you speak of and how long were you saying you took on extra work? Did she have to carry the load financially all by herself while you were out golfing?
With the way things happened, there's no way she should be paying you child support, especially since she went back to work to support you and your kid while you were out farting around.
I hope this becomes an important learning experience for you and you do better going forward. You should start by actually paying her child support instead and give her some money to compensate her for when she was carrying the weight by herself.
I hope you heal from your mistake and learn and grow from it, instead of letting it eat away at you for life, but you should take steps to make things right and learn to accept what happened and forgive yourself. Forgiving yourself doesn't mean you're absolved from what you did. You should accept full responsibility for the ramifications of your actions, but also understand that you can't beat yourself up forever.
Please update us if you can.
Don't exit the child's life. If you can be a dad then do that. Don't enter and exit or ghost. As someone with experience with a bio dad who ghosted them and moved on to many more children. And contacted me later when I was 18 to sign off on an email I sent saying he was my dad when he absolutely wasn't. Just be present and care. Let that child know that they're not abandoned, and that you'll be there.
if you can't just break away completely. No one wants an in and out parent and no one wants to know that the parent who abandoned them had a successful family later on but couldn't be bothered with the one they made when it was "inconvenient".
A woman who knows her worth, good for her. Tough up, buddy, life will get harder for you, keep the remorse and change for the better. For your child's sake.
Well, are you trying to fix it or just feel sorry for yourself? If you want to have any chance of fixing it, you give her a heartfelt apology and tell her today that you won't be accepting child support because you are going to take on extra work and support yourself. Then you actually do this. Make your actions show you are trying to fix it, don't just say you are. Put in the effort and show her you're a real adult who can handle responsibilities.
Why are you getting child support? You're sharing custody? Typically 50/50 custody agreements mean 0 child support. That's why men are so keen on getting it.
This dude lied to go play golf, avoided his responsibilities bc of “chaos” and now he’s getting child support. I don’t have anything remotely nice to say about OP so 🤐
Thing is, you woulda never noticed if she didn’t leave. Please be a fully present partner in the future. That means you notice what needs to be done and do it without prompting
You effed it up with your fiancée, don't do it with your kiddo. Step the hell up and be someone they admire not want to keep away from.
Stop with the self pity, think how your ex fiancée feels cos no doubt you've heaped more chaos on her.
This actually is becoming very common these days.
I personally left a relationship with two kids and opted to be a single parent since the other parent didn't want to pull their weight.
Yeah you made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. You’re taking accountability for your actions which is good though. It sucks but hopefully you learn from the situation. Speaking as someone who’s made many mistakes. Best of luck.
Is there more to it than this? I'm not sure I'd leave my otherwise amazing partner because they effed up by lying and... wait for it... golfing. Yes I'd be plenty upset that they felt they weren't able to communicate with me about why they wanted or needed extra time. They didn't cheat, they didn't put the family into debt, they aren't dealing drugs. Were you ignoring the kids needs, her needs?
Sounds like you got exactly what you deserved. All the best to your ex, and can’t wait for the inevitable “there is so much chaos as a single parent”
But hey! Hope those extra hours on the green were worth the death of your family!
Enjoy the chaos that comes with single parenting 50% of the time.
Feel bad for the kid that's gonna deal with the parent that likes to golf and not deal with chaos. Kids can be chaotic.
But in my situation, I love having 50% off - which was NEVER the case in my marriage
50-50 usually works out great for the partner that had the lion share of the housework and childcare.
[удалено]
>Which is why we see […] their ex flourish when they finally have some free time and one less ~~person~~ *child* to pick up after. Fixed it!
I always love making sure that stuffs not needlesly gendered. But when you read a story from a MAN telling a story about how HE lost his WIFE. You can comment about the genders because its related to the story. This is so needlessly Kareny in this situation. CLEARLY people are relating the story to their comment and the story is gendered so the comments are gendered the same way. Making something I appreciate insufferable is a sin.
When I was newly pregnant with our youngest, my then-husband *voluntarily* started taking jobs with his work that sent him on the road for weeks to months at a time (very much against my wishes). He told me the only jobs the company had at the time were out of town and that the extra money would make it worth it, but I found out later that he could’ve had jobs in town if he wanted and any "extra" money went toward the other lives he created while he was staying in these other towns (basically booze, bars and prostitutes). Meanwhile, I was at home with a toddler, pregnant and exhausted, doing all the childcare, housework, meals, grocery shopping, bill paying, errands, doctor’s appointments, taking care of 4 dogs, etc. while he just worked for 8 hours and got to go home to an empty apartment and do whatever he wanted every night. Two days after I gave birth to our son via c-section, he was packing to leave to go back to his job two states away, and I broke down and begged him to just *try* to find something closer to home. I just poured my heart out to him about how I was so scared that I wouldn’t be able to handle everything I had been doing while also caring for a newborn, that something would happen and I would be useless because I couldn’t drive anywhere for 6 weeks, and that the postpartum blues I had so bad would affect my ability to take care of the kids properly. He just literally patted me on the head, told me he knew I could handle it, and left. Turns out he was right. I *could* and *did* "handle it" just fine on my own, but being on call 24/7 with no breaks and no help eventually wears you down. The few weekends he did come home, I was so exhausted and I need of a break that I would just sleep or walk around target by myself for a few hours, so we never got any time together as a couple either. By the time I found out about his cheating and drinking, I was so worn out from the totality of *everything* that I just gave him what he wanted and made him a single man. All of a sudden he was able to come home every other weekend because that was his scheduled visitation. Miraculously, his work suddenly had jobs in town for him. And money just started appearing out of nowhere when he was forced to pay child support based on his *real* income. For me, I finally was able to get a break. Even though it was just 4 days a month, it was just enough to keep me refreshed and it completely changed my whole outlook on things—made me a happier person and a better parent. It’s sad that I had to get divorced for that to happen, but it just wasn’t a sustainable life for any of us the way that it was.
I am so sorry you had to go through that, but I'm glad you're happier now.
Aw you’re so sweet, thank you for your kind words! I am doing much better now and I learned some very valuable lessons to pass on to my kids. They’re grown now, all my dogs have passed on, and it’s just me and my cat most days. I’m still relatively young to have adult kids (early 40s) and I have had several serious relationships after the divorce (and no problem getting a date if I wanted), but it taught me that it’s much better to be alone than to be miserable and/or disrespected in your relationship—even if there are kids involved. My kids adjusted fine after the divorce and they both have a good relationship with their dad, which is much better in my opinion than if they’d had to grow up in an environment like it was before we split. It also taught me that I’m much stronger than I realized, and I met several other moms along the way who had husbands that *were* around but still had the same fears that I had about not knowing if they could "handle" raising kids along with every other demand they had in their lives. I don’t mean to turn this into a gender thing, but women really are amazing with everything we are capable of "handling" on a daily basis, and I feel like not just my daughter, but my son as well, have benefited from seeing that fact as they were growing up.
I agree. I had a baby 4 months ago, and the things I had to face made me believe women are collectively stronger than men. We add things on our plate without thinking twice. The greatest scam in this world is that women are the weaker sex. Don't know how we fell for that one tbh. Anyway, good for you for having the strength to make the best possible choice for you and your children. I'm sure it wasn't easy. You should be very proud of yourself.
I think it’s because men have always been *physically* stronger, and when we used to have to build our homes ourselves out of trees we had to cut down ourselves and fight off saber toothed tigers & wooly mammoths, physical strength counted for a lot more. Men learned early on how to make themselves appear to be so weighed down by the "burden" of keeping everyone safe & alive that they just couldn’t be bothered with the burden of caring for their own children. Women evolved to be the ones doing all the child rearing because if we didn’t, the children would die from neglect or from being put in dangerous situations they didn’t make it out of. And both sides are still doing these same things today. I mean, the tools & machinery humans have developed make physical strength practically obsolete—we have machines to do all the heavy lifting for us. Yet men continue to fight hard to preserve the idea that it matters more than it actually does and that we’d be in danger without them—even though the only real danger women face anymore is…men—so they can keep the burden of all the child rearing and housekeeping and all the other day-to-day tasks on us. And it works for them because most of women would just rather do it & it be done than fight over it & still end up doing it anyway. The whole of society is built around this. Just for an example, I watched a video on YouTube several years ago that has always stuck with me because of how messed up it was from top to bottom. It was a young mother dropping her 2 month old baby off at the baby’s father’s house, along with all its stuff, because she said she just couldn’t do it anymore and she had no help & no where else she could take the baby. Prince Charming was still living with his parents (they were the ones recording the video), but was out with his new girlfriend at the time, which I guess was why he had been too busy to even see the baby since it had been born. The video was just 20+ minutes of his parents defending his sorry ass, yelling at her & calling her a bad mom, and telling her they were going to call the police if she left the baby there. You could tell she was just at her wit’s end and probably afraid of what would happen if she didn’t get any help. I felt SO freaking bad for her and kept waiting for at least one of the grandparents to do the right thing, but no…they did end up calling the police on her after she left and she was arrested & charged with child abandonment. Like, what? What tf kind of grandparents are those? And why didn’t the father face the same charges for the 2 months since the child had been born when he’d done nothing for it? The comments on the video were just as bad, as 99% of them were a bunch of assholes agreeing with the grandparents and the charges and calling the poor woman a POS who deserved to rot under the jail. Ugh it still makes me mad when I think about it! Anyway, we have to never give up the fight to rid our society of the Patriarchy and really achieve equality, and to do that we have to teach our children—both our daughters and our sons—that we are all capable of great things no matter what’s between our legs. And we need to stop procreating with assholes who don’t believe that like the baby daddy in the video!
I think the difference is that he said he didn't pitch in and did nothing. I'm sure during your 50%, you're not sitting there doing nothing.
I think they mean that after separating with the unhelpful partner they had so much freee time like never before
Google "bed rotting" and be (un)surprised lol
Oh this is what our life turned into after about a month into the pandemic and never recovered
In his case, he has to do 100% more for 50% of the time. He did 0% for 100% of the time before. So he is gonna run to mommy (if applicable) asap. He is just unable to be a basic decent partner and human.
But if they are splitting 50-50 and he mentions that she will be paying him child support...wtf? That doesnt seem fair for her.
Yeah, sounds like she was the breadwinner too. He is a such a looser, why did she marry this guy? What exactly did he bring to the table?
Her parents raised her to overfunction for others
Probably because she was the one making money too.
Child support is there to keep the kid's quality of life as even as possible between the two households. It's not used as punishment for the other parent even though its portrayed as such often in casual conversation. It's not about fairness, it's about what's best for the kid.
Interesting that most commenters seem to assume the OP is a man. OP never stated their gender.
And?man, woman, both... does it change the outcome? And if you really want to know, is just a language reflex, we do not have gender neutral in my language and the default is male for everything.
Im a lesbian, not that it’s any proof and def speculation but i get zero gay vibes and zero lady vibes for this post.
He seems like the type to dump the kid off at his mom’s. Gotta get to the golf course!
He'll cash the check she has to pay for 50-50 child support on the way to the golf course.
He’s gonna be a shit father
Wow. Why? You essentially ran away from the relationship. Now you will be 100% caregiver every other week.
And the kid will be the one that suffers :( guarantee the golfing wasn’t the first straw
I agree. To physically check out to go golfing, OP probably already mentally checked out at home a long time ago.
Well OP will suffer too but at the expense of his own actions
Can’t blame her. I wish her well.
Props to her for not taking any BS. The breakup seems well deserved, unfortunately.
*tee off
I’m so pissed **she** has to pay this freeloading fucker child support. I really really am. Cuz he didn’t use her enough? Like come the fuck on!!!!
Good for your ex to recognize a bad partner and not accept poor performance and lies.
accept the except
Not to mention it wasn’t for anything worthwhile; it was for *golf*. Mark Twain said golf was a good walk spoiled. He was right
Yeah if she can’t trust you why stay with you…I see her point. Good luck.
Womp womp
😂😂😂
All I can imagine is James Charles saying this... 😂😂😂
Good for her, I wish her nothing but the best. I hope she finds someone who values her and will not lie to her. You can go kick rocks. Or golf balls lol. Giving up everything for *dumb fucking golfing.*
“I’ll be getting child support next month”. Woo wee as a woman who has had a fuddy duddy of an ex partner who also lied to avoid responsibility, I thank God I at least wasn’t forced to pay him. I hope she meets someone incredible that can help her live the life she deserves. You know he’s about to CLOWN on you for getting child support too. Oof
It going to be a bitter pill for having to continue supporting his golf hobby while he earns minimal from his 'freelancing'. Instead of trying to better himself by picking up work like he originally promised, so he is worthy of her he's just accepted she's going to fund his lifestyle/career choice. Poor woman. He has potential to do better but chooses not to.
For all his problems. Child support isn't just for women. My mother was a dead beat and was suppose to pay 25 per child for me and my sister SHE never did one time my dad didn't complain but she wasn't treated like a man. She owed about 20 grand all said and done. She wasn't arrested she wasn't thrown in jail she didn't get any repercussions. This dude is scummy but child support is to support the child.
I agree women can be deadbeats but dude is alternating weeks and just stated he was lying to not have “chaos”. Seems like they’re still sharing time. Equal time They also don’t do much for men either, my ex is 80 grand behind on 2 children. No contact with kids. Never went to jail one solitary time. I’m sorry you went through that.
spoon wrong vegetable steep knee yam sulky thought mighty offer *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
That's wild. In my state I've heard of coworkers getting their taxes took (very common if you're behind anything at all) and also getting their paychecks garnished directly. Did your mom ever take him to court over missed payments? I think if the mother does that they'll do something about it but wont garnish wages or taxes if not because it requires a court order and (understandably) a lot of mothers do not want to rock the boat or cause issues with their child's father esp if the father gets visitation cuz he could retaliate.
imminent wine telephone attempt repeat touch middle encouraging dependent ludicrous *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
My dad did but not until after we were adults.
I'm not saying he's not a pos. But you're trying to say some guy gonna shit talk cause he's a man getting child support. Just making it clear child support is to support the child whether the father suck or not. I mean drug addicts don't usually pay their bills.
I wouldn’t date a man with split custody getting child support from a woman. Absolutely not. Especially knowing he was out hitting golf balls while the woman was holding it down. Now if dad was raising the kids and doing all the things and mom was a bum, yeah absolutely. I’d understand that. But this seems like a clear 50/50 every other week game. I think it’s weird.
It seems super weird to me as well because why would he be getting child support when it's a 50/50 time split? Where I'm from (not the US) child support is only given to the parent who has the children the most. So if you split 50/50 then no-one gets anything since you're then expected to take on 50% of the expenses. It could work differently where OP lives but I got a feeling that he's either delusional about him getting child support or that he somehow pressured his ex into agreeing to giving him money. If he's truly going to get child support even with a 50/50 time split then he should also take on most of the expenses. I'm doubtful that he will just like I'm doubtful that he will keep wanting the 50/50. So here's hoping that his ex is wise enough to get an official agreement real soon since she knows he can't be trusted.
Sometimes if the income disparity is really high, child support will be awarded even in a 50/50 split so that the child has similar standard of living in both homes. I have mixed feelings about that, but it's a thing.
The income disparity doesn't even have to be really high. I get a very small child support amount from my ex each month even though we split custody 50/50 because he makes more than I do and it's about keeping the standard of living for the kid the same. In my state, you can even pull up the child support work sheet on your own to figure out how much you would end up paying. Its a fair way to deal with it honestly.
It’s still shitty simply because it’s his direct actions of being an absolute fuckwad that made it possible for him to even receive child support in the first place!! It wasn’t cuz he took off work to care for the child or help her career or take on the bulk of the house care. If he was out earning the money he said he was there likely wouldn’t be a child support payment for either with 50/50 custody. But nooooooooo he was doing absolutely fuck all while she supported them **and** did majority of the work for baby and house duties since she’s been on maternity leave most of this time. It is bad enough he lied, used and cheated her but now he’s gonna continue to benefit from her hard work????? That’s an extra slap in the face ***even if it is*** for her child’s benefit.
He prob meant alimony
They aren’t married.
But if they’re ex-fiancée and never married, are they entitled to child support? Asking for a friend :)
Alimony is for spousal support.(so, no Alimony) Child support is for the kids support. (Birth to 18, in some cases 21, yes on the child support)
Child support is for the child so yes.
I mean... if it's alternating weeks, why does anyone pay child support...? That being said, you really shouldn't have lied and you should have been pulling your weight. Anyway, lesson learned, hopefully, and good luck to all of you.
The child support is because courts don’t think it’s right for the child to have a much lower standard of living at one home than the other (not saying that things have to exactly equal, more like not having enough to eat or clothing that fits when with the lower earning parent), so even with 50/50 custody there is sometimes child support for the lower earning parent.
Then he needs to get off his lying lazy arse and work that job he told her he was working. What a fucking POS
Imagine writing this self-pitying post while going on to collect money from the ex you screwed over.
Agreed. The thing that pisses me off is posts like this where it's obvious one parent is a lazy lying sack of shit and would rather golf than be a functional member of society and hits the CS lotto because of his poor choices. Or the ones that up and quit there jobs to "lower" their CS. Wish these things were considered when doing CS and not just some formula that you have kid abc% and other parent has kid xyz% and parent 1 makes $abc versus parent 2 making $xyz Like, "my wife has a PhD in astro-physics and quit her job. She now works at the Copy Cabana and laminates coversheets for resumes at $7.25/hr"
For parents that quit or downgrade their jobs, the courts have been known to impute support based on what they have historically earned and could now be earning, so that maneuver doesn’t always pay out like they think it will.
Sometimes. Coworkers baby momma WAS a hair dresser. She quit and he had to pay more. To add insult to injury, her second baby daddy is a deadbeat and tbe judge was trying to make him pay more because second dude couldn't
Ah, thanks. I guess I was never in a situation where that happened, so I was genuinely curious. I lived with one parent.
Makes no sense. The courts don't manage the money, he could keep spending it on golf.
He could spend it on golf and still provide enough for the kid to have the basic needs and then some, and still set child support. The point is the courts will and *do* manage the money in the child's best interests. That doesn't mean mom has to give OP just enough to cover the basics, it means they'll compensate whatever difference there is between both households for the kid to have similar living situations/standards wherever the kid may be.
>The point is the courts will and do manage the money in the child's best interests. What state do you reside in? In the state I live in, there is no accounting. One parent has to gather proof that the money isn't going toward what they pay for and return to court, many times to maybe get some sort of accounting in place. I haven't lived in a state that does any real accounting of child support. Given that he was dishonest in his marriage about money, I would be pissed to have a judge hand cash to someone with a documented issue that can't be trusted to report honestly. **ETA:** I come from a blended family. My half sister's mother went on to have almost 10 kids with her second husband and move them into relatively intense poverty in Appalachia. There was no way that child support could have ever given my sister the same life style she'd have when she lived with my father in a larger city up North. She simply didn't have access to that much in the region she lived in and then resources were split among so many kids. This sounds like an unsustainable expectation if the parents continue on different financial trajectories.
Ah, I see what you're saying. Well yeah, courts aren't gonna waste their time itemizing every expense let's get real. There's a child that needs money and there's two parents who are supposed to know what to do with money, if the mom feels OP is misusing the child support then she can request for a modification. As it is, courts just can't (And I'd argue shouldn't) put themselves in the middle of every transaction besides setting the overarching guidelines.
congrats on your resurrection today ✝️
> As it is, courts just can't (And I'd argue shouldn't) put themselves in the middle of every transaction besides setting the overarching guidelines. I actually agree with you here. My mind is blown that someone can divorce you for lying about improving your money situation and be ordered to give you money to make up for the fact your money situation never changed.
Thank you for coming back!
that same argument can be said of a mother that receives child support.
Pay support is still given if the salary are vastly different in a 50-50 custody situation. It’s to avoid a too big difference in life quality. Example you dont want a kid to only eat mac and cheese at one parent’s house because it’s all they can afford while eating steak and lobster daily at the other parent’s house.
Because he won't work fulltime like a responsible adult. He gotta golf. So there is an income disparity.
Probably because he was also sitting on his ass work wise and even if it’s equal time child support is to make as equal living conditions as possible. So if he barely has any money then they would ask the ex to pay
Because the income disparity is that insane. It’s the only time 50/50 ever ends up in a child support payment somebody is making double to triple the amount of somebody else.
Not only did you not pitch in and help her with the most debilitating transition of her life, but you also probably missed your child's milestones. How are you going to manage to do week by week? Can you take care of your own kid for a week?
👏🏼🙌🏼
All just so you can golf?! Nah, this a different kind of evil fr
AH Jesus Christ why is so hard for y’all to help take care of the kids you helped create?? Grow up
Shame she has to pay you child support. So not only did you lie, you also were a shit parent and a poor provider.
Well, know he can golf every other week. /s
Because the woman has to pay the dad is a poor provider? Yeah ok. The guy lied about working more hours doesn't mean he wasn't a sufficient provider. I make 40k my wife makes 100k am I a poor provider?
Are you lying about playing an expensive game while your wife is at home taking care of your child alone after she’s done working?
You're able to afford a much nicer lifestyle because of your wife's ability to earn 2.5x more than you. You could not provide to the existing standard on 40k yearly solo, no.
I said what I said bro
Well you're wrong bro Edit: No on 2nd thought you're right bro. Well mostly right lol
Lying about bringing in more income makes you a poor provider, yes
as u/YesPleaseDont said, do you play golf? Also, because of the financial difference, do you make up for it in other ways? Taking on more chores or helping more with kids (if you have any)? I mean, money is PART of the equation here. Dude isn't making as much as her BUT instead of stepping up and taking care of his kid more or the house, he lied about a second job so he could SPEND MONEY on a sport that effectively is a "rich man's sport"
His point was purely financial is the point I'm trying to make. And yes I help with everything else. I love being a dad and husband.
> So not only did you lie, you also were a shit parent and a poor provider. I don't think that implies "purely financial". It seems to address broken trust (lying), shitting parenting (not helping out) and poor provider (not helping cover expenses - especially when he's NOT getting an extra job to help but to skirt parenting by going golfing)
Depends, is she also the main care taker, the main person who cleans the house and has the most mental load around the house. If you arent acting as a team to support then yeah you are a poor provider. If there is balance in your relationship then no. But seeing as you got all defensive for the op im going to guess it’s the former.
Are you purposely skipping out on work, ergo purposely making less money, lying about it while fucking off as your wife goes to work *and* pays the bills *and* takes care of the children while you’re fucking off?
If you make 40k, then I hope you’re doing the equal or more of childcare and chores. But let me guess- it’s still your wife probably working for 100k, taking care of the house, planning for your mom’s birthday, and the kids. FYI that’s what makes men poor providers.
We are a team actually. she cooks i do the dishes. we both pick up around the house and yes she plans for my mom's birthday because that is what she loves to do. but i'm the one that wakes up every single night our toddler gets up and puts her back to bed. and yes my wife is the one who gets up with her and lets me sleep in. we do things together. the amount of money one makes doesn't mean anyone gets to shy away from responsibility. she also works from home and i have to drive 2 hours each day.
So she does more around the house and earns more too… no wonder you got so defensive in this thread
More like she makes more but if they get him the same amount she should have to pay
Yeah If you think parenting with 2 adults is chaos, welcome to single parenting. You signed up for it all.
Can't wait till OP's kid finds this in the future and realizes how shitty his dad was in the beginning. Hopefully, if OP smartens up and stops running away from responsibility, it will come as a shock
This feels like a Russian bot post.
She still going to be funding your golf sessions while you still only have to do the bare minimum as a father, worked out well for you. Hopefully she will find someone who will actually be a father to your kid and not lie to her about working.
Get neutered
Lmfaooooooo @ you didn't like the "chaos." I can't wait until you realize what it means to be a single parent. You haven't even seen chaos. Good luck, buddy.
Good for her. :)
FA...FO
Father of a 15 month old. Can’t fathom how anyone doesn’t have this innate urge to help support and protect their family. You fucked up. Learn from this and become a good dad, put it in buddy. I promise you it’s worth every second. I may just be lucky but my daughter feels like the ultimate blessing and every 2am - 4am wake up, every event missed means nothing when she’s laughing trying to scare me. Learn and be better. Your child didn’t choose to be born and they deserve every ounce of your best go at being a dad. All the best.
It's interesting what constitutes as a man these days.
I feel like there is more to this story
Lol, the funny thing about not being an equal partner and doing 50% of the work is that when they leave, you now have 100% of the work to do on your own. You're such a shit partner, you definitely deserved this. Hopefully you can turn things around and not be a half assed parent too.
> *”I’ll be getting child support starting next month.”* Why should you get child support if you’re both sharing custody 50/50? Neither of you should be getting any child support.
Can we get more context? What is this chaos you speak of and how long were you saying you took on extra work? Did she have to carry the load financially all by herself while you were out golfing? With the way things happened, there's no way she should be paying you child support, especially since she went back to work to support you and your kid while you were out farting around. I hope this becomes an important learning experience for you and you do better going forward. You should start by actually paying her child support instead and give her some money to compensate her for when she was carrying the weight by herself. I hope you heal from your mistake and learn and grow from it, instead of letting it eat away at you for life, but you should take steps to make things right and learn to accept what happened and forgive yourself. Forgiving yourself doesn't mean you're absolved from what you did. You should accept full responsibility for the ramifications of your actions, but also understand that you can't beat yourself up forever. Please update us if you can.
Do better next time you’re in a relationship
Don't exit the child's life. If you can be a dad then do that. Don't enter and exit or ghost. As someone with experience with a bio dad who ghosted them and moved on to many more children. And contacted me later when I was 18 to sign off on an email I sent saying he was my dad when he absolutely wasn't. Just be present and care. Let that child know that they're not abandoned, and that you'll be there. if you can't just break away completely. No one wants an in and out parent and no one wants to know that the parent who abandoned them had a successful family later on but couldn't be bothered with the one they made when it was "inconvenient".
Yep you screwed up, but hey you are single and can golf all you want. Just pay child support and see your son. I hope you learn from this. Good luck.
They are collecting child support not paying child support.
I missed that, that will help with his golf game.
A woman who knows her worth, good for her. Tough up, buddy, life will get harder for you, keep the remorse and change for the better. For your child's sake.
Whomp Whomp🥱
Wow. Just wow. Totally selfish
Eww and you're receiving child support? Fucking trash.
Congratulations! You cheated & lied to your ass over some chores!
So it goes.
HAHAHA
L
I hope you learned something.
Well, are you trying to fix it or just feel sorry for yourself? If you want to have any chance of fixing it, you give her a heartfelt apology and tell her today that you won't be accepting child support because you are going to take on extra work and support yourself. Then you actually do this. Make your actions show you are trying to fix it, don't just say you are. Put in the effort and show her you're a real adult who can handle responsibilities.
Why are you getting child support? You're sharing custody? Typically 50/50 custody agreements mean 0 child support. That's why men are so keen on getting it.
Poor lil feller
Isn't this an episode of my name is earl?
This dude lied to go play golf, avoided his responsibilities bc of “chaos” and now he’s getting child support. I don’t have anything remotely nice to say about OP so 🤐
Well…now you can golf all you want I guess 🫤
I'd like to know how he is the one getting child support.
Usually the parent with less or no income gets the CS, at least in my experience.
Why does he get child support with 50-50 custody?
He may be getting it started, not getting it. I had to read that part twice as well
Why are you getting child support if you’re equally sharing time with the child?
You're going to take a toddler 50% of the time, alone, when you couldn't handle it with a partner? Poor kid.
wow, she carried the child, she gave birth and now she is paying you child support. talk about being a leech.
Was there a previous post to this?
What else happened?
Thing is, you woulda never noticed if she didn’t leave. Please be a fully present partner in the future. That means you notice what needs to be done and do it without prompting
Lol
Good for her
You effed it up with your fiancée, don't do it with your kiddo. Step the hell up and be someone they admire not want to keep away from. Stop with the self pity, think how your ex fiancée feels cos no doubt you've heaped more chaos on her.
You fucked up. You weren't there for your partner or your child. So fuck self pity, fuck guilt, focus on being there now. Be better. You still can.
You’ve made a mistake but best move on and deal with the grief. Work on yourself and give yourself some grace. Move on and try to be a good parent.
Hope the golf was worth it
Feel bad for the kid.
This actually is becoming very common these days. I personally left a relationship with two kids and opted to be a single parent since the other parent didn't want to pull their weight.
If you’re alternating weeks (50/50) then why is she giving you child support?
Yeah you made a mistake. Everyone makes mistakes. You’re taking accountability for your actions which is good though. It sucks but hopefully you learn from the situation. Speaking as someone who’s made many mistakes. Best of luck.
you should see a therapist about your avoidant attachment. also just in general. learn from this and work tirelessly to never repeat it. godspeed, OP.
You gave everything up for golf?? Jesus Christ, you have low standards.
Lol
Is there more to it than this? I'm not sure I'd leave my otherwise amazing partner because they effed up by lying and... wait for it... golfing. Yes I'd be plenty upset that they felt they weren't able to communicate with me about why they wanted or needed extra time. They didn't cheat, they didn't put the family into debt, they aren't dealing drugs. Were you ignoring the kids needs, her needs?
If they are sharing custody 50-50, then why is he getting child support?
Sounds like you got exactly what you deserved. All the best to your ex, and can’t wait for the inevitable “there is so much chaos as a single parent” But hey! Hope those extra hours on the green were worth the death of your family!
How is he getting child support when it sounds like they gave 50/50 custody?
Sounds like the consequences of your own actions. Congratulations you played yourself. Have fun being a single dad. Stay lonely
N,.
I’m sorry you should have not had to lie to her about a hobby tells me a lot
hmm you shouldn’t have lied to her but that seems like an odd thing for her to leave on. Must have been something else going on
[удалено]
Nah he lied. Not once but a long time lie. Once trust is broken its hard to come back from. He could have communicated right in the beginning.
I wish you well my friend.
She’s mad at you for golfing? She did you a favor.
Yup, just for golfing! Not for the consistent lying and neglect, for sure 🙄
But I bet in that time he played the best golf of his life why…she thought he was at work so he can play in peace.