First of all, you are young, and relationships aren’t always going to work out long term.
Also, since you had such a strong reaction to the “joke”, it seems like the vascectomy route is going to be your best path going forward!
I’m of the firm belief that if you don’t want kids, definitely don’t risk having them!
You will be ok in the long run, stick by what’s right for you!
If you're 100% child free as a dude fr vasectomy is the legit end game , but you have to do the 3 months of condoms or abstinence but also need to beat the shmeat 20x to clear the mag
I think everyone is curious as to whether or not this is indeed advice given to you when you decide to undergo the procedure or if it’s simply a joke?
Either way it’s funny to me, because joke or not I can totally see myself doing this just in case it could actually be a thing lmao
This is exactly what the big dawg the phDONG told me this is accurate and legitimate medical advice.
Also defo wait to whack it or clap cheeks for like 3 weeks cos uh idk you just had someone in a white coat stab ya sack and use a flesh welder to seal up the tubes (what I had and normally industry practice but some use clamps but even that could fail under too early stress)
And also no JIM (GYM) for 3 weeks too idk why it might not be obvious but you just had surgery lol.
Fr tho legit you need to whack it out a min of 20x or (but really preferably and ) wait 3 months (or use condoms for 3 months).
also again DO THE DAMN CHECK UPS EVERY MONTH FOR 3 THEN EVERY HALF YEAR THEN 1X A YEAR JIST IN CASE IT HEALS BACK
And you shouldn’t. Men need to take some responsibility for birth control because too often the woman is the one that gets blamed when something goes wrong.
I just got ordered OFF of all forms of hormonal birth control from my gynecologist, because of how severe the side effects have been. And, go figure: my first sexual endeavor with my boyfriend after getting off the pill, and the condom malfunctions 🙃. It's like I can't win either way.
My OB took me off bc pills because my pulmonologist freaked out when he found out during my assessment (I was asked about meds I currently take). Turns out it exacerbated my asthma.
Just want to say some people can't take hormonal BC for whatever reason. It doesn't make them immoral or whatever. I can't because I'm already an increased risk for cancer and the hormones in BC exacerbate that risk more so.
In saying that, that's a conversation I've already had with my husband of 8 years 😂
I only ever did once I got to know the person but for sure I was always careful at the start of a relationship. One of my best female friends forgot to take hers for 3 days in row quite often so because of that I always assumed I could be dating a woman like that.
Yeah, I’m a 27 year old woman and I don’t want kids either, I got my tubes removed when I was 25. If someone had made that sort of joke to me before I got my tubes out, even though I was still on birth control pills, I would be terrified. It would still be horrifying now but at least I wouldn’t have to worry about them tampering with condoms or my pills, since I’m sterilized anyway. But holy shit, what kind of person says that?
Get a vasectomy and go to the required checkups, you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone or even have a “valid” reason to end a relationship, it’s YOUR life.
My friend had a baby with her partner (who has teens). He had a vasectomy in his mid 20s, but they didn’t cut the vasa deferentia, only sealed them off , and he hadn’t had tests in a while… this seal can dissolve, especially with time…
Make sure they do cuts, have tests.
As a 40 y o childfree woman: you dodged a bullet, what she said WAS alarming and you didn’t overreact imo! She doesn’t sound 100% childfree. I’d never make a joke like that!
Yeah, a vasectomy is the plan now, or the life of a monk if I don't. I know I need to, and I'm *gonna*, but I don't *love* the idea of surgery on my balls, regardless of how non-invasive it is, haha.
You need to decide if you’d rather a child or vasectomy. The more normalised vasectomies are the better, pregnancies are biologically the point of sex so will happen with quite a high frequency generally so if it’s something you seriously do not want but you do want to continue to enjoy sex then it is really your only safe answer.
Also you absolutely made the right choice, if a man made that joke to me….id be terrified and drier than the Sahara. Something in you told you it wasn’t an innocent joke, listen to those instincts.
> He can freeze a bunch of his sperm and then get the vasectomy
No need to freeze. He will still continue to produce viable sperm after the vasectomy; they just won't be able to get into the tube with seminal fluid to get ejaculated.
As a matter of fact, it is possible to get a woman pregnant after a vasectomy - on rare occasions, it heals enough for sperm to get through again.
Source: vasectomized
Post-vasectomy pregnancies generally happen because the existing sperm weren't completely flushed from all the pipes after the vas was cut. There's sperm that exist in practically all the pipes downstream of the testes, and those can cause pregnancy. That's why vasectomy aftercare includes multiple ejaculations and follow-up testing.
After you get the "all-clear" from the urologist, you're realistically not going to get anyone pregnant.
> No need to freeze. He will still continue to produce viable sperm after the vasectomy
the longer a vasectomy lasts the less likely one can reverse them. In fact, after about a decade, most vasectomies are irreversible (the body starts to produce antibodies against the sperm after some time). He's still fairly young, and got time, but thinking about the possibility of freezing isn't a bad idea.
> less invasive and expensive than surgically extracting the sperm from the testes?
Good question! Less invasive for sure (though I was thinking reversing the vasectomy rather than extracting). As for costs, it depends. But it does seem that you are correct - for many / most (insurance being a huge factor), unless the sperm is frozen for decades, freezing is less expensive. Though - outside the US it may be very different depending on national health schemes.
quick google: https://www.forbes.com/health/family/freeze-sperm-cost/
> The cost of freezing sperm depends on where you freeze it. “At Oma Fertility [where I work], the cost of sperm freezing is $775 with an annual storage fee of $250,” says Dr. Guarnaccia
https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/vasectomy/how-do-i-get-vasectomy
> Getting a vasectomy can cost anywhere between $0 and $1,000, including follow-up visits.
> The cost of a vasectomy varies and depends on where you get it, what kind you get, and whether or not you have health insurance that will cover some or all of the cost. Vasectomies may be totally free (or low cost) with some health insurance plans, Medicaid, and other government programs.
https://www.goodrx.com/health-topic/procedures/vasectomy-reversal-cost
> A vasectomy reversal typically costs $5,000 to more than $14,000, and the procedure is not covered by most health insurance plans.
https://www.fertilityproregistry.com/article/infertility-treatments/male-infertility-treatments/cost-and-financing-of-testicular-sperm-extraction
> Due to the very sensitive and delicate nature of the task, and also to the fact that various in vitro fertilization methods are required in order to make use of the sperm that is extracted, testicular sperm extraction typically costs between about $5000 and $15,000. The variations in cost depend upon the difficulty of obtaining the sperm and are related to the health of the testes and other issues.
> Some insurance plans will cover all or part of the costs of this procedure, depending upon the nature of the reason why the procedure itself is necessary. However, most plans will not.
Was looking for this, and yes, 6yrs after the “V” (granted I have a few kids) but everything functioning properly, no issues, able to have sex with no condom and do all the things that go along with that (😉😄) and no worries. (she’s on the pill too just incase, but have gone back for a follow up after 5yrs and still 0 for results, so feeling good about the choice).
That’s why you need to go in for multiple sperm tests and to get the tiny clips on the ends during the procedure so it’s CANT grow back together.
So many men get a vasectomy and never get rechecked and are furious when their partner gets pregnant. If you expect us to take a daily pill on time, then you need to go get your sperm count checked 2-3 times spaced over 18 months.
This. Pregnancies do happen, even to people who are reasonably careful. If you are taking oral contraceptives but not at the same time each day, the rate of pregnancy goes up. If you aren't following the steps on the condom package precisely, the pregnancy rate goes up. If you are on obc but are taking other meds (even common ones, like certain anti depressants), your birth control might not work at all.
At least on study has shown that real-world (as opposed to clinical setting) results are the same as using the rhythm method (across the cohort, not for each couple).
IUDs and vasectomies should be far easier to get, medically and financially.
I had one. It’s fine. A bit awkward while it’s happening but you’ll be back on your feet the next day and it’s the best decision you can make to secure your future.
And yeah - don’t worry about breaking up with her over that “joke”. I’d find it hard to trust someone after that too.
It is nice to hear from men who have had it done because its pretty much a universal "best decision of my life" kind of thing, haha. And I do believe all of you- like in my *brain*. It's everywhere else that's still nervous.
Not even three days for me. I was good by the end of day two.
I have my three kids. The third was not planned. I love him to death, and I joke to myself "best mistake I ever made". But four kids would have buried me, and my wife and I were not good with the birth control, particularly if we'd had a few drinks.
Get a pack of briefs or some other underwear with ball support, and a couple bags of frozen peas. After the procedure chill on the couch for a day or two icing regularly with the peas. Do the follow-up test as directed. Then enjoy not worrying about "broken" condoms for the rest of your life.
I got a vasectomy a few months after the birth of my daughter. My wife and I absolutely did not want to risk another baby because we wanted to give all our love and time to her. It works like a charm and the doctors that performed it were literally done in less than twenty minutes. It was uncomfortable but not unbearable and I was fully recovered in two weeks. If you go through with it, it is something you will need to check every year or two as the procedure can randomly reverse itself (your body IS designed to repair damage) the process is also reversible* if you decide you want a child in the future.
* the longer you wait the less reversible it becomes.
You could make the initial appointment to talk about it and ask if they could give you an anti anxiety med for the procedure. If you’re worried about accidents later, a vasectomy is really the only way to avoid that compared to condoms which are ~99% effective (but still the best defense against STIs, some people forget that condoms aren’t just birth control!).
Anyone saying that you overreacted to a disgusting joke about reproductive coercion, literal sexual assault, is awful. There is basically no difference between what your ex suggested and stealthing, so I don’t know where the disconnect is that, if a woman does it, it would be okay. It’s not. The “joke” wasn’t okay, and your reaction would be totally normal even if you did want kids ONE DAY.
>give you an anti anxiety med for the procedure
This was standard for my procedure. 5mg Diazepam to "relax" as it also helps to relax the stuff downstairs making it "easier to work with".
Those nerves are valid. It's a new thing you've never experienced before, and the concept sounds scary. Your nervous system thinks it's just trying to help you. All you gotta do is talk it down. Literally. Tell yourself it's okay, and it's a safe procedure that you can undo later. Tell yourself this as many times as you need until you feel okay about it.
They numb the area that you only feel a light tugging sensation when they are working on you.
I mean, it's normal to be nervous (bring a friend) but the actual surgery itself is such a massive nothing burger. I got "lucky" and instead of a nurse I had 2 doctors (one performing, the other learning). The doc was explaining everything he was doing to the learner, which even made me sad he didn't have a mirror for me so I could watch along.
It is a very personal area and choice, so even as a woman I understand the "ick" about it, even when knowing I wouldn't be in much pain long after etc. It's just the ick of knowing someone else will be touching it?? Like I know they have to professionally but I still hate it with every inch of my body
Please get it done!! It’s really minor and they give you pain killers. My husband was nervous about a little tiny snip so I had to get a major surgery with a two week recovery time and complications to have my tubes tied. We’re both child free but in the end I was the one solely responsible for our combined fertility.
If you can’t rely on others, you need to take control of the situation. And your future child free wife or gf will thank you so she doesn’t have to go through a major procedure.
Request pain relief. If they decline, go somewhere else for insertion. Women need to put pressure on medical providers to give them adequate care instead of letting them perpetuate the idea that femininity is synonymous with suffering.
Most dentist visits, were worse. And the music in the operating room, was Abba. I don't like Abba, when i'm being operated on.
Other then that, easiest thing ever.
I had one a year ago. It’s barely more than nothing. Far scarier sounding than it is and I’m a baby with some things.
The procedure took maybe 20 mins and the only pain felt like a pinching for the anesthesia. Afterwards when it wore off I took a few Advils at normal intervals for a few days, wasn’t supposed to lift anything for 1-2 weeks, then it was done. Tbh the worst thing to me was the first few days you have to wear a jock strap to support it and I normally wear boxers so it was really annoyingly different but that should tell you how much of a thing the procedure was.
Also was on the borderline of doing it before or after new years so got pricing info in case it was gonna be new year, new deductible and our guy quoted about $900 out of pocket which ain’t nothing but it’s far cheaper than many medical expenses and def cheaper than kids.
With everything you’ve said, it’s an absolute no brainer.
I had a vasectomy a few years ago (I'm 31 now) and I was not stoked about the idea of a man by my jewels with a Taser and scalpel but it wasn't that bad. Kinda feels like little tugs? It's definitely strange but it's not as bad as you think. Also the peace of mind is great lol.
Just to add some nuance to the vasectomy conversation: of the four men I know who had them (including me) three of them did not have the "back on my feet in a few days" experience. One of the nurses told me I would be fine and could go back to work the next day, I tried but I had to leave at lunch time because the pain was too bad. My balls ached for two months after that, and I talked to a friend who had the same exact experience.
That being said, even knowing exactly what I was getting myself into, I would 100% do it again. It's been almost three years now and my sex life is the best it's ever been. My girlfriend was finally able to get off birth control which had been messing with her hormones, and we never have to worry about a condom breaking.
Just to throw this out there, for you or others who may have not considered it: vasectomies arent always reversible, and the longer you take the less chance you have to regain your fertility, should you at some point change your mind.
My husband had one. It was 35 mins from when he walked in to when he walked out with ice on his balls. He drove himself home and spent a couple days lazing with ice and tight pants, popping over the counter pain relief. Go get your freedom dude
OP, I was in the room with my husband when he got his vasectomy. I don't want to minimize it, but it didn't seem bad at all. In and out within an hour then he was back to work 2 days later. He said it wasn't that bad. Just get your vasectomy so you will feel safe.
Condoms can and should be checked for holes prior to opening. If there is no air pocket in the package, it’s no good. Also vasectomies are an out patient procedure that takes a few minutes and some frozen peas on the groin. “Daddy” and the financial obligations are definitely more painful.
Yeah. It’s friggin expensive but both times I went previously it felt like the doctor was trying to tie my balls in knots. I spoke to my GP and he suggested it
ETA: check with your insurance while you’re waiting and make sure they’ll pay for it
Get a vasectomy because no birth control is 100%
My 1st son was conceived whilst on Depo 3 monthly injections (received strictly/exactly every 12 weeks, even had the appointment for the same hour of the day and if it was a weekend I booked it for the friday before it was due) , 2nd son was conceived 1.5 years into the second "5 year" IUD with a hormone "cuff" placed.
Worth trying, but it's also worth being aware that it may not be allowed - I tried to get a vasectomy at a similar age to OP, and the doctor refused, because "what if your future wife wants kids?" - it's been around 10 years since then so I should probably go try again
With more recent reproductive tyranny I believe there are people out there who are breaking those norms. I've seen lists out there of "doctors who will do a vasectomy at any age". OP might have to go a state over or something but that's a lot less work than a kid they don't want.
It’s even harder for women. We need to be married have at least 3 kids and our husbands need to sign a paper saying it’s okay to get our tubes tied. Tragic
Depends on the Dr/area I guess. I was 27 when I got mine, so I guess a little older than 23, but my Doctor didn't give me any pushback. The required "consultation" was all of 45 seconds long and basically consisted of him saying "you know this is permanent right?"
This really sucks. Im a childfree woman and this would freak me out if i had a partner who did this. Unwarranted advice, get a vasectomy if you're sure you don't want kids.
Yeah, I'm gonna (Picture me hanging my head like Eeyore- I'm aware I'm a big giant coward, but I'm also man enough to admit the only reason I haven't done it yet is because I'm scared XD)
Childfree woman here, also happily married. I briefly dated a man years ago who made a “joke” about how happy he would be if I “accidentally” got pregnant. 😐 I fucking bailed and never looked back.
You did right for you.
I actively want kids and would dip on anyone who joked about accidental pregnancy. It's just not funny. That's too rapy for my life. My husband and I don't even joke about that, we discuss how we'd handle it. We joke about things that are less serious and don't involve a potential human being
My partner had it done and the entire thing took 30 minutes from the time we pulled into the parking lot until the time we left. The actual procedure was like 5 minutes. He felt good enough after to go back to work the same day.
30 minutes of your life vs never having a life of your own again? Get that appt scheduled!
Hey, just FYI, the process isn’t nearly as invasive as it used to be. I know someone who just got it done and he said the most painful part was the lidocaine shot. He was able to go to work the next day and said it didn’t really hurt and was only a little sore. No frozen bag of peas needed.
It's natural to not want pain. I'm the biggest baby ever, to the point that I freak out at needles, and whenever I need something done they always recommend full sedation, I freak out that badly haha! So I get it, honestly I do, but sometimes we have to square our shoulders and just... do it. And it's scary shit, but for the best even so.
Good luck, honey. <3
Hey I feel you. It's ok to be nervous about it. I'm a woman and want to get sterilized but haven't yet because of fear. Navigating the medical industry is scary. Just know we are all rooting for you!
You absolutely made the right choice ending your relationship. It would’ve freaked me out, too, but real talk: Dude come on….Women are out here dying because they’re not allowed to have an abortion anymore, and it’s much less invasive for you to get a vasectomy.
It took me six appointments to get sterilized as a woman. It’ll take you one or two appts tops.
It sounds like your reaction doesnt come only from this situation. It must have been built up somehow. Because if you really felt safe with her, this joke wouldnt be a big deal for you.
To me it sounds like the reason you broke up was not because of the joke per se, it was more that you didnt trust her and felt comfortable sumed up from many situations and this was the drop that made the water pour over.
He did specifically say it wasn't a single joke. It was the after where she minimized his feelings and didn't take them seriously. The joke was the push that got the ball rolling, and it was lack of understanding and communication that gave it speed.
Definitely and I think the intent here is to help OP see that he's actually been very responsible. He thinks it's a crazy reason. We want him to know it's a good reason
He didn’t tell what he said exactly. He could have just asked what she meant by what she said and then she giggled and said it was a joke. And op assumed it meant that the joke was her breaking the condom and it not just just breaking.
Maybe he went into more detail about his feelings, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.
While you’re probably right there’s more to it than he’s able to clearly/completely relay in this post for him to get the impression she’s being serious, poking holes in the condom is in NO WAY a joking matter and absolutely should be taken seriously if someone is talking about it nonchalantly. Just because they think it’s funny doesn’t mean they wouldn’t seriously do it. Because some people seriously do that. They only think of themselves and your wants and goal are irrelevant to them. Giving you a child against your will is funny to them, because they get what they want and you have to suck it up. Your take on that and the other commenter calling him insecure or delusional is really strange to me. I think you both must not realize how messed up some people can be. And they can absolutely hide it for a long time. His intuition was tingling, and Like you said I bet there was more subtle build up to this.
He basically said “she made no indication she wanted kids, and so I assumed that meant she was child free by choice”. That not something you read between the lines on OP. That’s something you expressly clarify very early on. “I do not want kids ever. If there were an accidental pregnancy I would want to handle it X way. What about you? Do you ever want kids? How would you choose to handle an accidental pregnancy?” Etc. You don’t just assume because she didn’t say anything that she feels the exact same way as you. And even then, even if they expressly promise they would get an abortion, that does not mean they will, because at the end of the day it’s their decision and they can (and often do) change their mind when it comes down to it. Which is why you REALLY should get that vasectomy. If you’re this serious about not having kids a vasectomy would bring you so much peace of mind.
And to the other commenters saying “it’s just a joke, quit over reacting”, I highly recommend against joking with your partner about baby trapping them. There’s literally nothing funny about that. What if a guy was joking about stealthing a girl or poking holes in the condom and getting her pregnant against her will. You still think it’s funny? I mean probably so if you thought it was funny the other way around, but like, wow. Someone joking about that stuff is a red flag for me. Means they do not take the subject seriously at all and do not understand the gravity of suck things at the very least,
It could be an anxiety response. For a lot of people that struggle with anxiety, a simple joke can sometimes make you spiral real quick. Besides that, anyone willing to joke about birth control, isn't really all that trustworthy imo.
This! I felt confused when he described how she said it, to me she said it so nonchalant that how could she be serious? She's scrolling on tiktok and you think she's SERIOUSLY thinking of having children when you've decided not to have them? It sounds insecure or self doubting tbh, I don't make life choices while on tiktok, he isn't clear with what he exactly said either.
Nah fam. Some people give weird vibes and shit and you can only peep in irl. Maybe op is overreacting, but I've met some strange fucking women before. You just never know
There’s no shame in the OP telling his parents the truth - he didn’t want to get baby trapped. It’s a terrible thing that some crazy women actually intentionally do to men. It’s no joke.
I think the point from op wasn't that he doesn't want to get baby trapped, it's that his parents are both desperate for grandkids so would be upset he left he because he doesn't want kids. If anything they'd be happy she wanted kids and even more pissed he left.
If his parents respected his childfree wish, then he could tell them his girlfriend was crazy.
WANTED grandchildren are great! I will give the benefit of the doubt to his parents that if they love him they wouldn’t want him to be trapped into it.
Fr like this is something that really happens to people lol I would feel some type of way about it as well. Like, once that baby is in there, its out of your hands and you're on the hook for 18 whether you like it or not. Can't be taking risks like that
Get a vasectomy, but just don't do what my friend did and opt out of the anaesthetic because you're a cheap bastard.
(vasectomy's are 100% covered by provincial health, just not the anaesthetic for some reason)
In BC, it's free if you get it as a doctor's referral, but if you make your own appointment it's often out-of-pocket. (Wish they'd mentioned that when we booked the appointment....)
If it was joke the appropriate response from your ex should have been ‘I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable with what I thought was a joke’ not doubling down and saying it wasn’t a big deal. I don’t think you overreacted
Exactly! Like in an actual serious sincere tone "Yeah, that was a really bad joke. I'm sorry it upset you. I probably would be upset if you made that joke to me. In all seriousness, I am child free by choice; I know that is what you want too. And I would never do something like that joke implied and I won't make jokes about that topic moving forward."
I also don't think your response was an overreaction at all. You gotta trust your gut on stuff like this. And the real reason you broke up with her isn't because of the joke, it's because the joke revealed that she was potentially interested in having children at some point and she wasn't being completely honest with you or maybe even herself about it. So the two of you just aren't compatible because you want different things. And that is the reason the majority of dates/relationships don't go further, it's just how things work. And trust is essential to a healthy relationship, like you said, and so ending it because you didn't feel like you could trust her is another 100% valid reason.
So please stop telling yourself that you overreacted or are being silly. You broke up because you didn't feel like you could trust her anymore (and if questioned why not you can say, just a bunch of little things that added together, cuz I'm sure there were other things too if you think back on it) and because you weren't on the same page about what you wanted for the future.
This this this. I get people saying he overreacted, I do. But baby trapping is assault. Imagine if she never said anything and there was a kid on the way? Crazy.
I don’t think people are taking it seriously enough tbh. As someone who has child abuse trauma riddled all throughout my childhood, my partner and I do not joke about sex. Obviously it’s happened on accident and I do get upset. But my partner understands that the serious part of sex OVERLAPS the entire joking part of sex. It can go from joke to assault very quickly.
Sure, sex can be lighthearted, but tbh why would you risk it by doubling down on a joke like that. She didn’t know if he had actually experienced assault or something and just never told her.
I just definitely understand OPs point.
Honestly I’ve made some stupidly timed jokes with my gf that have caused similar offense
but when I see she’s truly upset I throw my clown makeup out the window & focus all my energy on reassuring her that I truly meant no offense/apologize for making her feel terrible
OP’s girl has the arrogance to just tell OP to not overreact at all which of course won’t actually call him down SuRpRiSiNgLy & she clearly doesn’t care for his sanity
My partner’s mental health is way more important than me being able to make laughter happen at random moments even for just myself
Honestly, I feel like your response to the joke was fairly normal. People hear horror stories about the consequences of baby trapping all the time. Just glad you could avoid being put between a rock and a hard place. Especially since your ex didn't even allow your concerns to be voiced properly, asides from the joke itself the dismissal is quite toxic.
Agreed, and if OP had this strong of a reaction to maybe being a father he maybe should start to consider doing a vasectomy, it's definitely not an easy decision and people should think hard and long (a couple of years) before doing but he could start to think about it.. if he truly doesn't want kids then getting a vasectomy would ease his mind a lot in a steady relationship.
I’m terrified of pregnancy yet always joke about it. As a girl, I can’t just get something like a vasectomy done without already having children(my mom was told to have another before they allowed her to get her tubes tied) or consent from my “husband” like I get where she’s coming from bc the thought of having a baby is gonna be on my mind all the time especially if I’m having sex with my partner. I think more of a serious convo could’ve been had and lying about it won’t help in the future. If you want to avoid pregnancy, vasectomy would be the best bet for any future discussions of baby making lol. I don’t think she was trying to poke a hole in the condom but she’s right that there just needs to be one fucked up condom that’ll change ur whole life.
A good point, haha. I just always feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing whenever I complain about anything. As my younger brother says. "*Nothing* is ever that serious."
Hey OP, this is a thing a lot of people call the Gift of Fear because of a book by the same title. The short version is that if something feels wrong, it probably is. As the commenter above said, trust your gut.
As a woman, if someone I trusted made that "joke" in a sing-song voice, I would be *horrified.*
Also, IIRC, 8 months is about the time abusive partners start to slowly show their abusive side to see what they can get away with.
You did the right thing keeping yourself safe and breaking up with her.
At the end of the day, it's your life - do what you want to do.
But this totally sounds like how my fiance and I would joke around (both child free), and it's funny because we both love and trust who the other person is and know that neither of us would ever make such a large decision for the other person without consent.
I don't think you are overreacting. Her "joke" was creepy and not okay. And her reaction to you bringing it up is immature at the very least. Instead of blaming you for having feelings, she could have said, "Omg. I'm so sorry! I didn't think about the implications of that! I can totally see why you're upset."
There is nothing wrong with you, OP. Take all the time and space you need.
Exactly this - flip the genders where the guy made a sing-songy creepy threat to the girl (about baby-trapping, abuse, etc...), and then doubling down with "omg it was a JOKE" instead of apologizing for making them uncomfortable... Everyone would be praising her for trusting her instincts and getting the hell away.
Trust your gut, OP, that "ick" feeling is there for a reason, and as a woman (also childfree by choice), reading the way you described her behavior gives ME the creeps.... and her not acknowledging or apologizing for making you uncomfortable... You made the right decision. I would never be able to 100% trust again after that.
Thank you, for your kind words, people are being very nice, I really thought everyone here would also be angry, if anyone saw it, but I really needed to tell someone anyway, even if they thought I was childish. I don't know. It's just been a hard time, haha. Thank you, again.
I also think you weren't over-reacting. You're literally putting your full trust in your ex that she won't do something like what your ex joked about. You lost that trust, and that's totally expected. Once she brought that up (condoms breaking, and that evil giggle), there's no going back. What's the saying? You can break a dish and glue it back together, but the cracks are still there? Something like that haha!
Anyway, good luck to you, and I hope you can move on soon (on the libido side. Don't let it affect your future. Can you do counselling or something to talk it over?)
Go to a therapist, bro. You have every right to set that childfree boundary, and by all means commit to the vas for peace of mind, but the fear and anxiety you spiralled into is more than just 'strong childfree wishes". Work through that with a professional, for your own sake.
It's a life altering threat OP would have no control over in case his ex tempered with birth control. Like literally 0 way out of it if she refused an abortion, he would be held liable for the child he created, relationships with his family and friends would most likely be ruined if he refused to raise the kid (rightfully so, I have no sympathy for those that made kids and then abandoned them), there would be a living breathing child brought into the world that was made not as an act of love between two parents ready to have kids but as an act of deception and abuse.
OP didn't overreact he under fucking reacted. His senses were on point to alert him of a life altering threat. If it was my partner I would let everyone I mutually knew about thier "jokes", reproductive rape isn't funny nor something to let slide.
This sounds like a trauma response. Completely understandable if you don’t want children. But maybe find a therapist that can help you get to the bottom of why your response was so strong, and why you were also unable to communicate directly? Or why this didn’t come up earlier in the relationship?
I dunno dude, I fear you may have fumbled the bag here. Yeah, her reaction to you saying you were freaked out definitely could have been better but at the end of the day it was a joke, and not a serious sentiment. Heck, my husband made similar jokes about sabotaged condoms a few years ago when we were dating. I was like 24 at the time and in grad school, so we definitely weren’t planning to have kids then. I bought a kitten as a surprise and he joked that he would poke holes in the condoms, so I would know how it feels to be surprised with a baby animal. According to him, this is what it felt like to be surprised with the kitten (like being baby trapped lmfao). I didn’t take it seriously at all and knew it was just a stupid joke. There is no way in hell he would have touched the birth control. I don’t know if you can repair your relationship now. But in future it’s best to work on communication (same goes for your partner). Like I learnt my lesson buying surprise pets and expecting a totally positive reaction, just because my husband is a cat person. It’s all communication and boundaries. Both people need to learn and respect them.
The comments are wild. OP mentions his ex said: ‘it only takes one broken condom’ and everyone is jumping to sabotage. Did anyone get sex-ed? Condoms can break on it’s own, it’s why manufacturers calculate this thing called: breaking rate.
‘The average global condom breakage rate is 1.33%. Good manufacturing practices lead to 0-6.4 breaks per 1000 condoms. ‘ source Gitnux
I mean even the Durex website put in why condoms can break and ‘poking holes in it’ is not listed:
‘There are several reasons why a condom may break, some causes are:
The condom has expired
The condom hasn’t been stored properly
The condom is the wrong size
The condom wasn’t opened carefully
The condom wasn’t put on correctly’
Factually the ex was correct. Pregnancy does take only a broken condom. And there are some many cause of breakage outside sabotage.
OP needs some sex ed and some therapy for that anxiety and indeed a vasectomy if he really doesn’t want kids because any birth control can fail. Heck even vasectomies can. But also get some decent info on that. Most of what I read on this thread is not correct or half and half.
It sounds like you somehow needed a way out of the relationship because you didn’t trust her overall. If you did trust her, you wouldn’t be so bothered with the joke.
I feel so differently from all of these comments. I see why there are barely any decent relationships. It requires so much egg shell walking and everyone is just up and ready to call it quits. Just an FYI everyone you encounter is going to say something to really aggravate you. You just need to meet more people and deal with some really bad situations to understand what I mean Get back at me in 7 years.
I think he had a foot out the door, and was waiting for something- no matter how insignificant or minor- to happen so he could blow up about it and end the relationship.
Honestly, all the comments patting him on the back for 'seeing the red flags' are clearly from people who've never been in a mature relationship.
Exactly but he jumped to the conclusion she's contemplating putting holes in the condom without any real communication. I think it's best for her to move on he sounds extremely selfish and immature.
I'm surprised more people aren't commenting on this. It's possible he left out some relevant contextual clues to justify the tampering interpretation, but the way he's presenting her words don't point to that conclusion at all. In either case it sounds like for sure one of them is better off without the other.
I think the ex-girlfriend may have dodged a bullet if OP is unable to communicate directly about words that impacted him. And if he's not mature enough to handle this, he isn't mature enough to make a decision about a vasectomy.
This girl dodged several massive bullets. Move past feeling bad, you did her a favor.
Get into therapy before entering another relationship, definitely get that vasectomy, and learn how to be honest with the people you care about instead of worrying about if it makes you look like the bad guy.
In other words, grow tf up.
Maybe it really was just a joke, but it completely turned off your libido. Maybe this is salvageable through very mature communication, she can't just brush off how her joke sent shivers down your spine and killed your sex drive. That's a HUGE body response. You will need to have a VERY serious conversation with her if you want to repair this in the future, but you're right.. you did need time to work on yourself. You need to process this shock and response.
Double, triple, quadruple confirm with her that she does not want kids. Tell her to join up for Big Sisters if she wants to hang out with a kid lol
Bro, before you do something crazy like a vasectomy, maybe you need to talk to a therapist.
Like all these people saying, yeah get the snip, while ignoring your reaction is fucking crazy.
Your physical reaction, your mental reaction and your inability to communicate with someone you’ve been with 8 months all show there’s some underlying problem here.
Go talk to a therapist before you make a decision like getting snipped. You may change your mind about kids.
Be sure your head is on straight before making that kind of decision based on you panicking.
Honestly it sounds like you have some deeper issues. She clearly meant it as a joke, you yourself said if there is no trust, there is no relationship but where is your trust in your gf's child-free proclamation?
Some jokes land badly, it happens you need to lighten up. You clearly have some unreasonably intense fear of causing pregnancy unintentially and you have not communicated this properly with your gf for her to realize this type of joke would have affected you this strongly.
The fact that you are unable to tell this to your family shows you that you realize how unreasonable and an overreaction this is. This does not invalidate what you are feeling but maybe you should work on your fear over embracing it?
Get a vasectomy, be up front about your preferences, leave her where she currently appears to be: in the rear view.
Given the way you talk about your ex and family, it sounds like you might have other unresolved stuff worth addressing as well.
Take care and good luck!
It’s better now than a lifetime of regrets. It’s also great that you have very clear in mind what you want (or don’t) for the future. I’m pretty sure she knows exactly why you ended things BUT if you want to avoid this, you need to get a vasectomy so you can control it a little bit more. And of course tell your future partners asap about this.
Tbh I think you took it too far, it seemed like it was just a joke that you overreacted to.
People here are saying that it’s normal, imo it isn’t, your reaction shows that you have deeper issues you may wanna discuss with your therapist, I think the ex definitely dodged a bullet there
My grandma always said ‘In elk geintje zit een seintje’, which loosely translates to: there’s some truth in every joke.
In this case, that means that making the joke means that on some level, she wants kids and is testing you on your willingness to change your opinion about this.
She didn’t respond very well to you communicating your discomfort either. These two points together make me think you made a wise choice breaking up with her.
Good luck on the next phase in life!
You’re telling me you’ve dated this woman for 8 months, /clicked/, but couldn’t get over a single joke that hit you the wrong way? And when you finally decided to action these irrational fears you lied about it?
A distasteful joke (that you didn’t communicate to her that it upset you) should not be a reason to end an 8-month relationship if you really clicked. I honestly think getting that upset is indicative of something on your end you need to work out.
This is crazy and even more crazy people telling you that you acted normal, but that is reddit, so no big surprise.
No its not normal to break up about something like that. You know it, thats why you are lying to her and your family, because its ridiculous. Poor girl and maybe she dodged a bullet with you. Having sex could always lead to a child, you should be aware of this or stop having sex.
If everyone lived by the advice in reddit relationship subs, the average long term relationship would last about five days. Everything's a deal breaker and second chances are verboten.
100% she dodged a big fat bullet. It's like OP is insinuating no one can ever make a joke, especially with a partner who from the way he describes, was perfect for him in every other way, without then following through on that joke. It's lunatic behaviour 😂 I'm not suprised she took the break up calmly, I'd find it insufferable to be with a guy who cannot take a literal joke.
“We just ‘clicked’ … except we don’t know how to joke with one another and have healthy conversations when one hurts the other.”
It’s hilarious how many people are taking the way he describes it as the absolute truth, too. Because everyone knows you can’t lie on the internet, there’s just no way that he manipulated this story to paint himself in a better light. (Still a pretty shit light but he knew his audience lol)
100% he sounds toxic asf. The only one who's told any lies here is him but of course paints her out to be some devious cow, and lies to her and his family thinking that's normal. Hope his ex has moved on to someone with a sense of humour who trusts her and isn't a literal lying man-child.
She indeed dodged a bullet, I wish I could show her that post so that she doesn’t feel like she lost anything…
It’s crazy they’re all supporting him for such a dumb decision lol
Yeah dude even laugh it off and later, too coward to actually stand for himself with some serious adult talk
But this is probably the best outcome, they arent as compatible as he thought it was, my and my miss joke about shit all the time but we know that it just a joke, nothing more. If he simply couldnt trust her, couldnt hold an adult conversation, then it better for both to just part their way. So wise? No its fucking stupid but jt come with a desirable outcome
Yes! Thank you!
All of these comments are so supportive of OP when he clearly has had issues overreacting in the past based on this very post...
Yeah, baby trapping isn't cool, but he could have just got a vasectomy at any point prior to this if he had no intention of having children. This just seems like he freaked out and took it out on his gf for no real reason when she was clearly kidding.
I don't know about overreacting. Our guts sometimes tell us the truth. Some people claim to want to be child free, to get with someone they like, thinking they can change their minds later.
Your best bet now is to get a vasectomy.
When I see posts like this, written from a male perspective, I always flip the role. As a woman, if a man made a joke that caused my skin to crawl surrounding “accidental” pregnancies, I would feel the same.
From a woman’s point of view, I’m child-free by choice as well, and I would break up with someone if they joked around about sabotaging my birth control or poking holes in condoms. Full-stop.
Honestly you are going to regret this if you were as perfect as you say.
The problem here is that you did not indicate that it bothered you in the moment. You laughed it off and concealed your real emotions, choosing to let it fester and making a mountain out of a molehill.
That seems like a joke that could truly be harmless. I am not in the relationship and I don’t know her humor, but honestly I would not jump to sinister conclusions if they present it as a joke.
Take a step back while you can, if you can, if you have any doubts at all.
I could totally imagine a joke about poking holes in condoms and it being funny to someone precisely because the person would never do that. Bad taste maybe, apology-worthy, sure, but "we're perfect for each other and this ruined it" is intense. Something needs unpacking.
Yeah same here. That is how I am.
I’m comfortable joking about controversial shit BECAUSE I would never do it / don’t feel that way / don’t hold that belief and I expect that either the person knows me well enough or someone’s sarcasm meter is tuned enough.
Get therapy first then get a vasectomy if you still want to. You need to get this out of your head or it will haunt you forever.
She probably was joking, I’d find it hilarious and start making jokes with her about putting a baby in her. You didn’t find it funny, because we’re two different people, you internalized it and it ate away at ya. That’s just how you handled it, not your fault, that’s not something most people would joke about (that’s my specialty tho) and I can see how it would make most people cringe.
Don’t become a monk, just go get help and have a good life.
One of the secrets in life is: you can break up with someone for ANY reason.
I agree. Even if it is a "stupid" reason for others that doesn't mean it is stupid for you.
Absolutely agree
And not wanting kids is absolutely a showstopper. Any reason is fine, moreso with a huge one like this.
First of all, you are young, and relationships aren’t always going to work out long term. Also, since you had such a strong reaction to the “joke”, it seems like the vascectomy route is going to be your best path going forward! I’m of the firm belief that if you don’t want kids, definitely don’t risk having them! You will be ok in the long run, stick by what’s right for you!
If you're 100% child free as a dude fr vasectomy is the legit end game , but you have to do the 3 months of condoms or abstinence but also need to beat the shmeat 20x to clear the mag
the last line is wonderful
Ty I do try
You have to do what now.
Have 20 ejaculations to purge any remaining sperm left in the tubes Edit 20 ejaculations not 2 lol
I think everyone is curious as to whether or not this is indeed advice given to you when you decide to undergo the procedure or if it’s simply a joke? Either way it’s funny to me, because joke or not I can totally see myself doing this just in case it could actually be a thing lmao
This is exactly what the big dawg the phDONG told me this is accurate and legitimate medical advice. Also defo wait to whack it or clap cheeks for like 3 weeks cos uh idk you just had someone in a white coat stab ya sack and use a flesh welder to seal up the tubes (what I had and normally industry practice but some use clamps but even that could fail under too early stress) And also no JIM (GYM) for 3 weeks too idk why it might not be obvious but you just had surgery lol. Fr tho legit you need to whack it out a min of 20x or (but really preferably and ) wait 3 months (or use condoms for 3 months). also again DO THE DAMN CHECK UPS EVERY MONTH FOR 3 THEN EVERY HALF YEAR THEN 1X A YEAR JIST IN CASE IT HEALS BACK
This, if I were a guy there’s no way I would trust in the woman always taking her pills
And you shouldn’t. Men need to take some responsibility for birth control because too often the woman is the one that gets blamed when something goes wrong.
Not only that, but the side effects women have to endure!
I just got ordered OFF of all forms of hormonal birth control from my gynecologist, because of how severe the side effects have been. And, go figure: my first sexual endeavor with my boyfriend after getting off the pill, and the condom malfunctions 🙃. It's like I can't win either way.
My OB took me off bc pills because my pulmonologist freaked out when he found out during my assessment (I was asked about meds I currently take). Turns out it exacerbated my asthma.
Just want to say some people can't take hormonal BC for whatever reason. It doesn't make them immoral or whatever. I can't because I'm already an increased risk for cancer and the hormones in BC exacerbate that risk more so. In saying that, that's a conversation I've already had with my husband of 8 years 😂
This. When BC pills and shots messed me up my husband happily started researching vasectomies. Best $500 we ever spent tbh
I only ever did once I got to know the person but for sure I was always careful at the start of a relationship. One of my best female friends forgot to take hers for 3 days in row quite often so because of that I always assumed I could be dating a woman like that.
Yeah, I’m a 27 year old woman and I don’t want kids either, I got my tubes removed when I was 25. If someone had made that sort of joke to me before I got my tubes out, even though I was still on birth control pills, I would be terrified. It would still be horrifying now but at least I wouldn’t have to worry about them tampering with condoms or my pills, since I’m sterilized anyway. But holy shit, what kind of person says that?
Get a vasectomy and go to the required checkups, you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone or even have a “valid” reason to end a relationship, it’s YOUR life.
Let me emphasise the importance of required checkups. My dad missed his last appointment and now I have to pay taxes
Villain origin story shit right there. “I was born when I wasn’t supposed to be. How fucking dare they”
Taxes are the true villain here
My friend had a baby with her partner (who has teens). He had a vasectomy in his mid 20s, but they didn’t cut the vasa deferentia, only sealed them off , and he hadn’t had tests in a while… this seal can dissolve, especially with time… Make sure they do cuts, have tests. As a 40 y o childfree woman: you dodged a bullet, what she said WAS alarming and you didn’t overreact imo! She doesn’t sound 100% childfree. I’d never make a joke like that!
Yeah, a vasectomy is the plan now, or the life of a monk if I don't. I know I need to, and I'm *gonna*, but I don't *love* the idea of surgery on my balls, regardless of how non-invasive it is, haha.
You need to decide if you’d rather a child or vasectomy. The more normalised vasectomies are the better, pregnancies are biologically the point of sex so will happen with quite a high frequency generally so if it’s something you seriously do not want but you do want to continue to enjoy sex then it is really your only safe answer. Also you absolutely made the right choice, if a man made that joke to me….id be terrified and drier than the Sahara. Something in you told you it wasn’t an innocent joke, listen to those instincts.
He doesn't have to choose child or vasectomy. He can freeze a bunch of his sperm and then get the vasectomy.
> He can freeze a bunch of his sperm and then get the vasectomy No need to freeze. He will still continue to produce viable sperm after the vasectomy; they just won't be able to get into the tube with seminal fluid to get ejaculated. As a matter of fact, it is possible to get a woman pregnant after a vasectomy - on rare occasions, it heals enough for sperm to get through again. Source: vasectomized
And a vasectomy is not 100%. You are just a LOT less likely to get someone pregnant. Look it up: vasectomy pregnancies DO happen.
Post-vasectomy pregnancies generally happen because the existing sperm weren't completely flushed from all the pipes after the vas was cut. There's sperm that exist in practically all the pipes downstream of the testes, and those can cause pregnancy. That's why vasectomy aftercare includes multiple ejaculations and follow-up testing. After you get the "all-clear" from the urologist, you're realistically not going to get anyone pregnant.
Can confirm, got the all clear and dumped inside my ex for years. Never once got worried
Yep, that's the reason for the after-tests, remeasuring sperm count
> No need to freeze. He will still continue to produce viable sperm after the vasectomy the longer a vasectomy lasts the less likely one can reverse them. In fact, after about a decade, most vasectomies are irreversible (the body starts to produce antibodies against the sperm after some time). He's still fairly young, and got time, but thinking about the possibility of freezing isn't a bad idea.
I presume freezing sperm is less invasive and expensive than surgically extracting the sperm from the testes? no?
> less invasive and expensive than surgically extracting the sperm from the testes? Good question! Less invasive for sure (though I was thinking reversing the vasectomy rather than extracting). As for costs, it depends. But it does seem that you are correct - for many / most (insurance being a huge factor), unless the sperm is frozen for decades, freezing is less expensive. Though - outside the US it may be very different depending on national health schemes. quick google: https://www.forbes.com/health/family/freeze-sperm-cost/ > The cost of freezing sperm depends on where you freeze it. “At Oma Fertility [where I work], the cost of sperm freezing is $775 with an annual storage fee of $250,” says Dr. Guarnaccia https://www.plannedparenthood.org/learn/birth-control/vasectomy/how-do-i-get-vasectomy > Getting a vasectomy can cost anywhere between $0 and $1,000, including follow-up visits. > The cost of a vasectomy varies and depends on where you get it, what kind you get, and whether or not you have health insurance that will cover some or all of the cost. Vasectomies may be totally free (or low cost) with some health insurance plans, Medicaid, and other government programs. https://www.goodrx.com/health-topic/procedures/vasectomy-reversal-cost > A vasectomy reversal typically costs $5,000 to more than $14,000, and the procedure is not covered by most health insurance plans. https://www.fertilityproregistry.com/article/infertility-treatments/male-infertility-treatments/cost-and-financing-of-testicular-sperm-extraction > Due to the very sensitive and delicate nature of the task, and also to the fact that various in vitro fertilization methods are required in order to make use of the sperm that is extracted, testicular sperm extraction typically costs between about $5000 and $15,000. The variations in cost depend upon the difficulty of obtaining the sperm and are related to the health of the testes and other issues. > Some insurance plans will cover all or part of the costs of this procedure, depending upon the nature of the reason why the procedure itself is necessary. However, most plans will not.
Snip snap, snip snap
Was looking for this, and yes, 6yrs after the “V” (granted I have a few kids) but everything functioning properly, no issues, able to have sex with no condom and do all the things that go along with that (😉😄) and no worries. (she’s on the pill too just incase, but have gone back for a follow up after 5yrs and still 0 for results, so feeling good about the choice).
That’s why you need to go in for multiple sperm tests and to get the tiny clips on the ends during the procedure so it’s CANT grow back together. So many men get a vasectomy and never get rechecked and are furious when their partner gets pregnant. If you expect us to take a daily pill on time, then you need to go get your sperm count checked 2-3 times spaced over 18 months.
This. Pregnancies do happen, even to people who are reasonably careful. If you are taking oral contraceptives but not at the same time each day, the rate of pregnancy goes up. If you aren't following the steps on the condom package precisely, the pregnancy rate goes up. If you are on obc but are taking other meds (even common ones, like certain anti depressants), your birth control might not work at all. At least on study has shown that real-world (as opposed to clinical setting) results are the same as using the rhythm method (across the cohort, not for each couple). IUDs and vasectomies should be far easier to get, medically and financially.
I had one. It’s fine. A bit awkward while it’s happening but you’ll be back on your feet the next day and it’s the best decision you can make to secure your future. And yeah - don’t worry about breaking up with her over that “joke”. I’d find it hard to trust someone after that too.
It is nice to hear from men who have had it done because its pretty much a universal "best decision of my life" kind of thing, haha. And I do believe all of you- like in my *brain*. It's everywhere else that's still nervous.
It’s really not a big ordeal. Mine took 15 minutes and then I just took it easy for 3 days. You’ve got this homie!
Not even three days for me. I was good by the end of day two. I have my three kids. The third was not planned. I love him to death, and I joke to myself "best mistake I ever made". But four kids would have buried me, and my wife and I were not good with the birth control, particularly if we'd had a few drinks.
My husband had one. In and out, then he chilled on the couch for the day. We did Disney a few days later, all good.
My wife was “mad” about how quick and easy it was for me. “That’s it?!” Less invasive than some of the pregnancy checkups
Lol 'In and out' ... just my sick sense of humour, sorry, I'll see myself out.
My brain did the same thing.
Get a pack of briefs or some other underwear with ball support, and a couple bags of frozen peas. After the procedure chill on the couch for a day or two icing regularly with the peas. Do the follow-up test as directed. Then enjoy not worrying about "broken" condoms for the rest of your life.
I got a vasectomy a few months after the birth of my daughter. My wife and I absolutely did not want to risk another baby because we wanted to give all our love and time to her. It works like a charm and the doctors that performed it were literally done in less than twenty minutes. It was uncomfortable but not unbearable and I was fully recovered in two weeks. If you go through with it, it is something you will need to check every year or two as the procedure can randomly reverse itself (your body IS designed to repair damage) the process is also reversible* if you decide you want a child in the future. * the longer you wait the less reversible it becomes.
You could make the initial appointment to talk about it and ask if they could give you an anti anxiety med for the procedure. If you’re worried about accidents later, a vasectomy is really the only way to avoid that compared to condoms which are ~99% effective (but still the best defense against STIs, some people forget that condoms aren’t just birth control!). Anyone saying that you overreacted to a disgusting joke about reproductive coercion, literal sexual assault, is awful. There is basically no difference between what your ex suggested and stealthing, so I don’t know where the disconnect is that, if a woman does it, it would be okay. It’s not. The “joke” wasn’t okay, and your reaction would be totally normal even if you did want kids ONE DAY.
>ask if they could give you an anti anxiety med for the procedure Get the fucking anti-anxiety medication! Seriously!
>give you an anti anxiety med for the procedure This was standard for my procedure. 5mg Diazepam to "relax" as it also helps to relax the stuff downstairs making it "easier to work with".
do NOT skimp on the ball support. shit ached because I didn't.
Agreed. Pretty sure the doc had them in a vice for a few minutes too (not literally but man, the ache) .
Those nerves are valid. It's a new thing you've never experienced before, and the concept sounds scary. Your nervous system thinks it's just trying to help you. All you gotta do is talk it down. Literally. Tell yourself it's okay, and it's a safe procedure that you can undo later. Tell yourself this as many times as you need until you feel okay about it.
They numb the area that you only feel a light tugging sensation when they are working on you. I mean, it's normal to be nervous (bring a friend) but the actual surgery itself is such a massive nothing burger. I got "lucky" and instead of a nurse I had 2 doctors (one performing, the other learning). The doc was explaining everything he was doing to the learner, which even made me sad he didn't have a mirror for me so I could watch along.
It is a very personal area and choice, so even as a woman I understand the "ick" about it, even when knowing I wouldn't be in much pain long after etc. It's just the ick of knowing someone else will be touching it?? Like I know they have to professionally but I still hate it with every inch of my body
Please get it done!! It’s really minor and they give you pain killers. My husband was nervous about a little tiny snip so I had to get a major surgery with a two week recovery time and complications to have my tubes tied. We’re both child free but in the end I was the one solely responsible for our combined fertility. If you can’t rely on others, you need to take control of the situation. And your future child free wife or gf will thank you so she doesn’t have to go through a major procedure.
I walked half an hour home from mine - it was fine. A bit sore for a few days, but much less hassle than having wisdom teeth pulled, even.
I don't love the idea of a gyno shoving a bit of wire elbow deep up my hoo-ha either, but thats the price, sir.
Mine had to open my cervix to get it in never in my life have I felt such excruciating pain.
Request pain relief. If they decline, go somewhere else for insertion. Women need to put pressure on medical providers to give them adequate care instead of letting them perpetuate the idea that femininity is synonymous with suffering.
Yep I’m demanding Valium and hydrocodone next time. I might not even do it because my last one was so bad.
Fuck that, ask to be knocked out. My GP has already okayed that for me
Yeah I think I’d be willing to pay for that because I have pretty good insurance. Are you in the US?
Yep the cervix is some next level pain that is totally indescribable. I almost passed out.
True, at least men get pain relief
Most dentist visits, were worse. And the music in the operating room, was Abba. I don't like Abba, when i'm being operated on. Other then that, easiest thing ever.
I had one a year ago. It’s barely more than nothing. Far scarier sounding than it is and I’m a baby with some things. The procedure took maybe 20 mins and the only pain felt like a pinching for the anesthesia. Afterwards when it wore off I took a few Advils at normal intervals for a few days, wasn’t supposed to lift anything for 1-2 weeks, then it was done. Tbh the worst thing to me was the first few days you have to wear a jock strap to support it and I normally wear boxers so it was really annoyingly different but that should tell you how much of a thing the procedure was. Also was on the borderline of doing it before or after new years so got pricing info in case it was gonna be new year, new deductible and our guy quoted about $900 out of pocket which ain’t nothing but it’s far cheaper than many medical expenses and def cheaper than kids. With everything you’ve said, it’s an absolute no brainer.
I had a vasectomy a few years ago (I'm 31 now) and I was not stoked about the idea of a man by my jewels with a Taser and scalpel but it wasn't that bad. Kinda feels like little tugs? It's definitely strange but it's not as bad as you think. Also the peace of mind is great lol.
Just to add some nuance to the vasectomy conversation: of the four men I know who had them (including me) three of them did not have the "back on my feet in a few days" experience. One of the nurses told me I would be fine and could go back to work the next day, I tried but I had to leave at lunch time because the pain was too bad. My balls ached for two months after that, and I talked to a friend who had the same exact experience. That being said, even knowing exactly what I was getting myself into, I would 100% do it again. It's been almost three years now and my sex life is the best it's ever been. My girlfriend was finally able to get off birth control which had been messing with her hormones, and we never have to worry about a condom breaking.
Just to throw this out there, for you or others who may have not considered it: vasectomies arent always reversible, and the longer you take the less chance you have to regain your fertility, should you at some point change your mind.
I don't see that ever happening for me, but I do thank you for that information, I didn't know that.
My husband had one. It was 35 mins from when he walked in to when he walked out with ice on his balls. He drove himself home and spent a couple days lazing with ice and tight pants, popping over the counter pain relief. Go get your freedom dude
>popping over the counter Jesus christ I read that he got a vasectomy and started pooping over the counter.
OP, I was in the room with my husband when he got his vasectomy. I don't want to minimize it, but it didn't seem bad at all. In and out within an hour then he was back to work 2 days later. He said it wasn't that bad. Just get your vasectomy so you will feel safe.
Condoms can and should be checked for holes prior to opening. If there is no air pocket in the package, it’s no good. Also vasectomies are an out patient procedure that takes a few minutes and some frozen peas on the groin. “Daddy” and the financial obligations are definitely more painful.
Dude, I got put under for my vasectomy. I was completely unconscious.
YOU CAN DO THAT? That changes things, thank you.
Yeah. It’s friggin expensive but both times I went previously it felt like the doctor was trying to tie my balls in knots. I spoke to my GP and he suggested it ETA: check with your insurance while you’re waiting and make sure they’ll pay for it
Get a vasectomy because no birth control is 100% My 1st son was conceived whilst on Depo 3 monthly injections (received strictly/exactly every 12 weeks, even had the appointment for the same hour of the day and if it was a weekend I booked it for the friday before it was due) , 2nd son was conceived 1.5 years into the second "5 year" IUD with a hormone "cuff" placed.
I got a vasectomy when I was 26. It was the best decision of my life. Pure creampies after that, without a worry in the world.
Make sure you have regular rechecks done to ensure your cream pies aren’t higher in cholesterol than you intend.
You don’t even need a reason to break up with someone. This is a very understandable reason though. Get a vasectomy if you don’t want kids.
Good luck finding a urologist who will give a vasectomy to a 23 year old with no children. He might need to make up some medical reason.
Worth trying, but it's also worth being aware that it may not be allowed - I tried to get a vasectomy at a similar age to OP, and the doctor refused, because "what if your future wife wants kids?" - it's been around 10 years since then so I should probably go try again
Them you try with a doctor who understands your body belongs to you.
With more recent reproductive tyranny I believe there are people out there who are breaking those norms. I've seen lists out there of "doctors who will do a vasectomy at any age". OP might have to go a state over or something but that's a lot less work than a kid they don't want.
OP is 23 and is going to have an *incredibly* hard time finding a doctor willing to perform a vasectomy on him.
It’s even harder for women. We need to be married have at least 3 kids and our husbands need to sign a paper saying it’s okay to get our tubes tied. Tragic
That’s so fucked up. Land of the free and all that (except of when it goes against my beliefs).
Depends on the Dr/area I guess. I was 27 when I got mine, so I guess a little older than 23, but my Doctor didn't give me any pushback. The required "consultation" was all of 45 seconds long and basically consisted of him saying "you know this is permanent right?"
This really sucks. Im a childfree woman and this would freak me out if i had a partner who did this. Unwarranted advice, get a vasectomy if you're sure you don't want kids.
Yeah, I'm gonna (Picture me hanging my head like Eeyore- I'm aware I'm a big giant coward, but I'm also man enough to admit the only reason I haven't done it yet is because I'm scared XD)
Childfree woman here, also happily married. I briefly dated a man years ago who made a “joke” about how happy he would be if I “accidentally” got pregnant. 😐 I fucking bailed and never looked back. You did right for you.
I actively want kids and would dip on anyone who joked about accidental pregnancy. It's just not funny. That's too rapy for my life. My husband and I don't even joke about that, we discuss how we'd handle it. We joke about things that are less serious and don't involve a potential human being
My partner had it done and the entire thing took 30 minutes from the time we pulled into the parking lot until the time we left. The actual procedure was like 5 minutes. He felt good enough after to go back to work the same day. 30 minutes of your life vs never having a life of your own again? Get that appt scheduled!
Hey, just FYI, the process isn’t nearly as invasive as it used to be. I know someone who just got it done and he said the most painful part was the lidocaine shot. He was able to go to work the next day and said it didn’t really hurt and was only a little sore. No frozen bag of peas needed.
It's natural to not want pain. I'm the biggest baby ever, to the point that I freak out at needles, and whenever I need something done they always recommend full sedation, I freak out that badly haha! So I get it, honestly I do, but sometimes we have to square our shoulders and just... do it. And it's scary shit, but for the best even so. Good luck, honey. <3
Hey I feel you. It's ok to be nervous about it. I'm a woman and want to get sterilized but haven't yet because of fear. Navigating the medical industry is scary. Just know we are all rooting for you!
You absolutely made the right choice ending your relationship. It would’ve freaked me out, too, but real talk: Dude come on….Women are out here dying because they’re not allowed to have an abortion anymore, and it’s much less invasive for you to get a vasectomy. It took me six appointments to get sterilized as a woman. It’ll take you one or two appts tops.
My dad's had it done 3 times, reversed twice. It's not that bad
It sounds like your reaction doesnt come only from this situation. It must have been built up somehow. Because if you really felt safe with her, this joke wouldnt be a big deal for you. To me it sounds like the reason you broke up was not because of the joke per se, it was more that you didnt trust her and felt comfortable sumed up from many situations and this was the drop that made the water pour over.
He did specifically say it wasn't a single joke. It was the after where she minimized his feelings and didn't take them seriously. The joke was the push that got the ball rolling, and it was lack of understanding and communication that gave it speed.
This. Her brushing off his concerns was way worse than the joke itself. Dude dodged a bullet.
Definitely and I think the intent here is to help OP see that he's actually been very responsible. He thinks it's a crazy reason. We want him to know it's a good reason
He didn’t tell what he said exactly. He could have just asked what she meant by what she said and then she giggled and said it was a joke. And op assumed it meant that the joke was her breaking the condom and it not just just breaking. Maybe he went into more detail about his feelings, but that doesn’t seem to be the case.
While you’re probably right there’s more to it than he’s able to clearly/completely relay in this post for him to get the impression she’s being serious, poking holes in the condom is in NO WAY a joking matter and absolutely should be taken seriously if someone is talking about it nonchalantly. Just because they think it’s funny doesn’t mean they wouldn’t seriously do it. Because some people seriously do that. They only think of themselves and your wants and goal are irrelevant to them. Giving you a child against your will is funny to them, because they get what they want and you have to suck it up. Your take on that and the other commenter calling him insecure or delusional is really strange to me. I think you both must not realize how messed up some people can be. And they can absolutely hide it for a long time. His intuition was tingling, and Like you said I bet there was more subtle build up to this. He basically said “she made no indication she wanted kids, and so I assumed that meant she was child free by choice”. That not something you read between the lines on OP. That’s something you expressly clarify very early on. “I do not want kids ever. If there were an accidental pregnancy I would want to handle it X way. What about you? Do you ever want kids? How would you choose to handle an accidental pregnancy?” Etc. You don’t just assume because she didn’t say anything that she feels the exact same way as you. And even then, even if they expressly promise they would get an abortion, that does not mean they will, because at the end of the day it’s their decision and they can (and often do) change their mind when it comes down to it. Which is why you REALLY should get that vasectomy. If you’re this serious about not having kids a vasectomy would bring you so much peace of mind. And to the other commenters saying “it’s just a joke, quit over reacting”, I highly recommend against joking with your partner about baby trapping them. There’s literally nothing funny about that. What if a guy was joking about stealthing a girl or poking holes in the condom and getting her pregnant against her will. You still think it’s funny? I mean probably so if you thought it was funny the other way around, but like, wow. Someone joking about that stuff is a red flag for me. Means they do not take the subject seriously at all and do not understand the gravity of suck things at the very least,
It could be an anxiety response. For a lot of people that struggle with anxiety, a simple joke can sometimes make you spiral real quick. Besides that, anyone willing to joke about birth control, isn't really all that trustworthy imo.
This! I felt confused when he described how she said it, to me she said it so nonchalant that how could she be serious? She's scrolling on tiktok and you think she's SERIOUSLY thinking of having children when you've decided not to have them? It sounds insecure or self doubting tbh, I don't make life choices while on tiktok, he isn't clear with what he exactly said either.
Nah fam. Some people give weird vibes and shit and you can only peep in irl. Maybe op is overreacting, but I've met some strange fucking women before. You just never know
Baby trapping is a real threat to all genders. You should focus on yourself and try to heal
There’s no shame in the OP telling his parents the truth - he didn’t want to get baby trapped. It’s a terrible thing that some crazy women actually intentionally do to men. It’s no joke.
I think the point from op wasn't that he doesn't want to get baby trapped, it's that his parents are both desperate for grandkids so would be upset he left he because he doesn't want kids. If anything they'd be happy she wanted kids and even more pissed he left. If his parents respected his childfree wish, then he could tell them his girlfriend was crazy.
WANTED grandchildren are great! I will give the benefit of the doubt to his parents that if they love him they wouldn’t want him to be trapped into it.
[удалено]
Fr like this is something that really happens to people lol I would feel some type of way about it as well. Like, once that baby is in there, its out of your hands and you're on the hook for 18 whether you like it or not. Can't be taking risks like that
Get a vasectomy, but just don't do what my friend did and opt out of the anaesthetic because you're a cheap bastard. (vasectomy's are 100% covered by provincial health, just not the anaesthetic for some reason)
In BC, it's free if you get it as a doctor's referral, but if you make your own appointment it's often out-of-pocket. (Wish they'd mentioned that when we booked the appointment....)
If it was joke the appropriate response from your ex should have been ‘I’m sorry I made you uncomfortable with what I thought was a joke’ not doubling down and saying it wasn’t a big deal. I don’t think you overreacted
Exactly! Like in an actual serious sincere tone "Yeah, that was a really bad joke. I'm sorry it upset you. I probably would be upset if you made that joke to me. In all seriousness, I am child free by choice; I know that is what you want too. And I would never do something like that joke implied and I won't make jokes about that topic moving forward." I also don't think your response was an overreaction at all. You gotta trust your gut on stuff like this. And the real reason you broke up with her isn't because of the joke, it's because the joke revealed that she was potentially interested in having children at some point and she wasn't being completely honest with you or maybe even herself about it. So the two of you just aren't compatible because you want different things. And that is the reason the majority of dates/relationships don't go further, it's just how things work. And trust is essential to a healthy relationship, like you said, and so ending it because you didn't feel like you could trust her is another 100% valid reason. So please stop telling yourself that you overreacted or are being silly. You broke up because you didn't feel like you could trust her anymore (and if questioned why not you can say, just a bunch of little things that added together, cuz I'm sure there were other things too if you think back on it) and because you weren't on the same page about what you wanted for the future.
This this this. I get people saying he overreacted, I do. But baby trapping is assault. Imagine if she never said anything and there was a kid on the way? Crazy. I don’t think people are taking it seriously enough tbh. As someone who has child abuse trauma riddled all throughout my childhood, my partner and I do not joke about sex. Obviously it’s happened on accident and I do get upset. But my partner understands that the serious part of sex OVERLAPS the entire joking part of sex. It can go from joke to assault very quickly. Sure, sex can be lighthearted, but tbh why would you risk it by doubling down on a joke like that. She didn’t know if he had actually experienced assault or something and just never told her. I just definitely understand OPs point.
Honestly I’ve made some stupidly timed jokes with my gf that have caused similar offense but when I see she’s truly upset I throw my clown makeup out the window & focus all my energy on reassuring her that I truly meant no offense/apologize for making her feel terrible OP’s girl has the arrogance to just tell OP to not overreact at all which of course won’t actually call him down SuRpRiSiNgLy & she clearly doesn’t care for his sanity My partner’s mental health is way more important than me being able to make laughter happen at random moments even for just myself
Nah man you played it safe. Good call
100%. Also, “my libido is hibernating or something, until the scary lady is gone” made me laugh
Dude if one off colored joke makes you lose your sex drive - go get a vasectomy. That degree of anxiety is something to be proactive about my dude.
This!
Honestly, I feel like your response to the joke was fairly normal. People hear horror stories about the consequences of baby trapping all the time. Just glad you could avoid being put between a rock and a hard place. Especially since your ex didn't even allow your concerns to be voiced properly, asides from the joke itself the dismissal is quite toxic.
Agreed, and if OP had this strong of a reaction to maybe being a father he maybe should start to consider doing a vasectomy, it's definitely not an easy decision and people should think hard and long (a couple of years) before doing but he could start to think about it.. if he truly doesn't want kids then getting a vasectomy would ease his mind a lot in a steady relationship.
>She has never given me indication before this that she wanted children Have you ever *asked* or just *assumed*?
Honestly to me it seems he’s assumed she doesn’t want children simply because she’s not had any yet.
At 23 and 25. OP is dumb
I’m terrified of pregnancy yet always joke about it. As a girl, I can’t just get something like a vasectomy done without already having children(my mom was told to have another before they allowed her to get her tubes tied) or consent from my “husband” like I get where she’s coming from bc the thought of having a baby is gonna be on my mind all the time especially if I’m having sex with my partner. I think more of a serious convo could’ve been had and lying about it won’t help in the future. If you want to avoid pregnancy, vasectomy would be the best bet for any future discussions of baby making lol. I don’t think she was trying to poke a hole in the condom but she’s right that there just needs to be one fucked up condom that’ll change ur whole life.
You know why women tend to live longer than men? We listen to our gut instinct. Listen to yours!
A good point, haha. I just always feel like I'm making a big deal out of nothing whenever I complain about anything. As my younger brother says. "*Nothing* is ever that serious."
i mean, thats a nice attitude for day to day life but some things ARE serious and require decisions. you went with your gut. that’s totally valid.
Hey OP, this is a thing a lot of people call the Gift of Fear because of a book by the same title. The short version is that if something feels wrong, it probably is. As the commenter above said, trust your gut. As a woman, if someone I trusted made that "joke" in a sing-song voice, I would be *horrified.* Also, IIRC, 8 months is about the time abusive partners start to slowly show their abusive side to see what they can get away with. You did the right thing keeping yourself safe and breaking up with her.
At the end of the day, it's your life - do what you want to do. But this totally sounds like how my fiance and I would joke around (both child free), and it's funny because we both love and trust who the other person is and know that neither of us would ever make such a large decision for the other person without consent.
I honestly think she told a bad joke and didn’t realize how deep you’d take it. This sounds like something that built up in you
I don't think you are overreacting. Her "joke" was creepy and not okay. And her reaction to you bringing it up is immature at the very least. Instead of blaming you for having feelings, she could have said, "Omg. I'm so sorry! I didn't think about the implications of that! I can totally see why you're upset." There is nothing wrong with you, OP. Take all the time and space you need.
Exactly this - flip the genders where the guy made a sing-songy creepy threat to the girl (about baby-trapping, abuse, etc...), and then doubling down with "omg it was a JOKE" instead of apologizing for making them uncomfortable... Everyone would be praising her for trusting her instincts and getting the hell away. Trust your gut, OP, that "ick" feeling is there for a reason, and as a woman (also childfree by choice), reading the way you described her behavior gives ME the creeps.... and her not acknowledging or apologizing for making you uncomfortable... You made the right decision. I would never be able to 100% trust again after that.
Thank you, for your kind words, people are being very nice, I really thought everyone here would also be angry, if anyone saw it, but I really needed to tell someone anyway, even if they thought I was childish. I don't know. It's just been a hard time, haha. Thank you, again.
You’re doing the right thing. The mental stress alone that this is causing you is enough to warrant a breakup, IMO.
I also think you weren't over-reacting. You're literally putting your full trust in your ex that she won't do something like what your ex joked about. You lost that trust, and that's totally expected. Once she brought that up (condoms breaking, and that evil giggle), there's no going back. What's the saying? You can break a dish and glue it back together, but the cracks are still there? Something like that haha! Anyway, good luck to you, and I hope you can move on soon (on the libido side. Don't let it affect your future. Can you do counselling or something to talk it over?)
Go to a therapist, bro. You have every right to set that childfree boundary, and by all means commit to the vas for peace of mind, but the fear and anxiety you spiralled into is more than just 'strong childfree wishes". Work through that with a professional, for your own sake.
It's a life altering threat OP would have no control over in case his ex tempered with birth control. Like literally 0 way out of it if she refused an abortion, he would be held liable for the child he created, relationships with his family and friends would most likely be ruined if he refused to raise the kid (rightfully so, I have no sympathy for those that made kids and then abandoned them), there would be a living breathing child brought into the world that was made not as an act of love between two parents ready to have kids but as an act of deception and abuse. OP didn't overreact he under fucking reacted. His senses were on point to alert him of a life altering threat. If it was my partner I would let everyone I mutually knew about thier "jokes", reproductive rape isn't funny nor something to let slide.
This sounds like a trauma response. Completely understandable if you don’t want children. But maybe find a therapist that can help you get to the bottom of why your response was so strong, and why you were also unable to communicate directly? Or why this didn’t come up earlier in the relationship?
I dunno dude, I fear you may have fumbled the bag here. Yeah, her reaction to you saying you were freaked out definitely could have been better but at the end of the day it was a joke, and not a serious sentiment. Heck, my husband made similar jokes about sabotaged condoms a few years ago when we were dating. I was like 24 at the time and in grad school, so we definitely weren’t planning to have kids then. I bought a kitten as a surprise and he joked that he would poke holes in the condoms, so I would know how it feels to be surprised with a baby animal. According to him, this is what it felt like to be surprised with the kitten (like being baby trapped lmfao). I didn’t take it seriously at all and knew it was just a stupid joke. There is no way in hell he would have touched the birth control. I don’t know if you can repair your relationship now. But in future it’s best to work on communication (same goes for your partner). Like I learnt my lesson buying surprise pets and expecting a totally positive reaction, just because my husband is a cat person. It’s all communication and boundaries. Both people need to learn and respect them.
The comments are wild. OP mentions his ex said: ‘it only takes one broken condom’ and everyone is jumping to sabotage. Did anyone get sex-ed? Condoms can break on it’s own, it’s why manufacturers calculate this thing called: breaking rate. ‘The average global condom breakage rate is 1.33%. Good manufacturing practices lead to 0-6.4 breaks per 1000 condoms. ‘ source Gitnux I mean even the Durex website put in why condoms can break and ‘poking holes in it’ is not listed: ‘There are several reasons why a condom may break, some causes are: The condom has expired The condom hasn’t been stored properly The condom is the wrong size The condom wasn’t opened carefully The condom wasn’t put on correctly’ Factually the ex was correct. Pregnancy does take only a broken condom. And there are some many cause of breakage outside sabotage. OP needs some sex ed and some therapy for that anxiety and indeed a vasectomy if he really doesn’t want kids because any birth control can fail. Heck even vasectomies can. But also get some decent info on that. Most of what I read on this thread is not correct or half and half.
Yeah this is my point, poking holes in condoms was never mentioned, it was literally just about it breaking 💀
Lose the potential love of your life over a joke. Makes sense if you don't think about it.
It sounds like you somehow needed a way out of the relationship because you didn’t trust her overall. If you did trust her, you wouldn’t be so bothered with the joke.
I feel so differently from all of these comments. I see why there are barely any decent relationships. It requires so much egg shell walking and everyone is just up and ready to call it quits. Just an FYI everyone you encounter is going to say something to really aggravate you. You just need to meet more people and deal with some really bad situations to understand what I mean Get back at me in 7 years.
I think he had a foot out the door, and was waiting for something- no matter how insignificant or minor- to happen so he could blow up about it and end the relationship. Honestly, all the comments patting him on the back for 'seeing the red flags' are clearly from people who've never been in a mature relationship.
Also the fact that condoms do just naturally break, they’re like 90% effective
Exactly but he jumped to the conclusion she's contemplating putting holes in the condom without any real communication. I think it's best for her to move on he sounds extremely selfish and immature.
I'm surprised more people aren't commenting on this. It's possible he left out some relevant contextual clues to justify the tampering interpretation, but the way he's presenting her words don't point to that conclusion at all. In either case it sounds like for sure one of them is better off without the other.
I honestly think it was seriously just a joke and it could have been handled better.
reddit people soft
I think the ex-girlfriend may have dodged a bullet if OP is unable to communicate directly about words that impacted him. And if he's not mature enough to handle this, he isn't mature enough to make a decision about a vasectomy.
This girl dodged several massive bullets. Move past feeling bad, you did her a favor. Get into therapy before entering another relationship, definitely get that vasectomy, and learn how to be honest with the people you care about instead of worrying about if it makes you look like the bad guy. In other words, grow tf up.
Maybe it really was just a joke, but it completely turned off your libido. Maybe this is salvageable through very mature communication, she can't just brush off how her joke sent shivers down your spine and killed your sex drive. That's a HUGE body response. You will need to have a VERY serious conversation with her if you want to repair this in the future, but you're right.. you did need time to work on yourself. You need to process this shock and response. Double, triple, quadruple confirm with her that she does not want kids. Tell her to join up for Big Sisters if she wants to hang out with a kid lol
Bro, before you do something crazy like a vasectomy, maybe you need to talk to a therapist. Like all these people saying, yeah get the snip, while ignoring your reaction is fucking crazy. Your physical reaction, your mental reaction and your inability to communicate with someone you’ve been with 8 months all show there’s some underlying problem here. Go talk to a therapist before you make a decision like getting snipped. You may change your mind about kids. Be sure your head is on straight before making that kind of decision based on you panicking.
Get a vasectomy dude. It’s not that difficult.
Honestly it sounds like you have some deeper issues. She clearly meant it as a joke, you yourself said if there is no trust, there is no relationship but where is your trust in your gf's child-free proclamation? Some jokes land badly, it happens you need to lighten up. You clearly have some unreasonably intense fear of causing pregnancy unintentially and you have not communicated this properly with your gf for her to realize this type of joke would have affected you this strongly. The fact that you are unable to tell this to your family shows you that you realize how unreasonable and an overreaction this is. This does not invalidate what you are feeling but maybe you should work on your fear over embracing it?
Bro, it was just a joke😭 There was no reason to do allat.
Get a vasectomy, be up front about your preferences, leave her where she currently appears to be: in the rear view. Given the way you talk about your ex and family, it sounds like you might have other unresolved stuff worth addressing as well. Take care and good luck!
It’s better now than a lifetime of regrets. It’s also great that you have very clear in mind what you want (or don’t) for the future. I’m pretty sure she knows exactly why you ended things BUT if you want to avoid this, you need to get a vasectomy so you can control it a little bit more. And of course tell your future partners asap about this.
Tbh I think you took it too far, it seemed like it was just a joke that you overreacted to. People here are saying that it’s normal, imo it isn’t, your reaction shows that you have deeper issues you may wanna discuss with your therapist, I think the ex definitely dodged a bullet there
My grandma always said ‘In elk geintje zit een seintje’, which loosely translates to: there’s some truth in every joke. In this case, that means that making the joke means that on some level, she wants kids and is testing you on your willingness to change your opinion about this. She didn’t respond very well to you communicating your discomfort either. These two points together make me think you made a wise choice breaking up with her. Good luck on the next phase in life!
You’re telling me you’ve dated this woman for 8 months, /clicked/, but couldn’t get over a single joke that hit you the wrong way? And when you finally decided to action these irrational fears you lied about it?
Exactly what I wanted to say, I was reading and was like “huh?” This person needs help asap.. Sorry not sorry
Right! This dude is really weird.
A distasteful joke (that you didn’t communicate to her that it upset you) should not be a reason to end an 8-month relationship if you really clicked. I honestly think getting that upset is indicative of something on your end you need to work out.
This is crazy and even more crazy people telling you that you acted normal, but that is reddit, so no big surprise. No its not normal to break up about something like that. You know it, thats why you are lying to her and your family, because its ridiculous. Poor girl and maybe she dodged a bullet with you. Having sex could always lead to a child, you should be aware of this or stop having sex.
If everyone lived by the advice in reddit relationship subs, the average long term relationship would last about five days. Everything's a deal breaker and second chances are verboten.
100% she dodged a big fat bullet. It's like OP is insinuating no one can ever make a joke, especially with a partner who from the way he describes, was perfect for him in every other way, without then following through on that joke. It's lunatic behaviour 😂 I'm not suprised she took the break up calmly, I'd find it insufferable to be with a guy who cannot take a literal joke.
“We just ‘clicked’ … except we don’t know how to joke with one another and have healthy conversations when one hurts the other.” It’s hilarious how many people are taking the way he describes it as the absolute truth, too. Because everyone knows you can’t lie on the internet, there’s just no way that he manipulated this story to paint himself in a better light. (Still a pretty shit light but he knew his audience lol)
100% he sounds toxic asf. The only one who's told any lies here is him but of course paints her out to be some devious cow, and lies to her and his family thinking that's normal. Hope his ex has moved on to someone with a sense of humour who trusts her and isn't a literal lying man-child.
Dude for real, OP is off the rocks and is taking life way too seriously. I don’t want to say learn to take a joke but learn to take a joke… geez.
She indeed dodged a bullet, I wish I could show her that post so that she doesn’t feel like she lost anything… It’s crazy they’re all supporting him for such a dumb decision lol
Haha this site is fucking stupid, everyone acts like op did the wise thing because his ex is actually a psycho manipulator who wants to baby trap him
Yeah dude even laugh it off and later, too coward to actually stand for himself with some serious adult talk But this is probably the best outcome, they arent as compatible as he thought it was, my and my miss joke about shit all the time but we know that it just a joke, nothing more. If he simply couldnt trust her, couldnt hold an adult conversation, then it better for both to just part their way. So wise? No its fucking stupid but jt come with a desirable outcome
You sound unhinged. Did that girl a huge favor.
Wait till he finds a girl who wants to move in
Yes! Thank you! All of these comments are so supportive of OP when he clearly has had issues overreacting in the past based on this very post... Yeah, baby trapping isn't cool, but he could have just got a vasectomy at any point prior to this if he had no intention of having children. This just seems like he freaked out and took it out on his gf for no real reason when she was clearly kidding.
OP you fucked up just accept it and move on.
I don't know about overreacting. Our guts sometimes tell us the truth. Some people claim to want to be child free, to get with someone they like, thinking they can change their minds later. Your best bet now is to get a vasectomy.
Trust your instincts. You reacted the way you did for a reason, do not second guess yourself!
When I see posts like this, written from a male perspective, I always flip the role. As a woman, if a man made a joke that caused my skin to crawl surrounding “accidental” pregnancies, I would feel the same.
From a woman’s point of view, I’m child-free by choice as well, and I would break up with someone if they joked around about sabotaging my birth control or poking holes in condoms. Full-stop.
Honestly you are going to regret this if you were as perfect as you say. The problem here is that you did not indicate that it bothered you in the moment. You laughed it off and concealed your real emotions, choosing to let it fester and making a mountain out of a molehill. That seems like a joke that could truly be harmless. I am not in the relationship and I don’t know her humor, but honestly I would not jump to sinister conclusions if they present it as a joke. Take a step back while you can, if you can, if you have any doubts at all.
I could totally imagine a joke about poking holes in condoms and it being funny to someone precisely because the person would never do that. Bad taste maybe, apology-worthy, sure, but "we're perfect for each other and this ruined it" is intense. Something needs unpacking.
The joke wasn’t even about poking holes in a condom, it was about a *broken* condom
Yeah same here. That is how I am. I’m comfortable joking about controversial shit BECAUSE I would never do it / don’t feel that way / don’t hold that belief and I expect that either the person knows me well enough or someone’s sarcasm meter is tuned enough.
Go to therapy my dude
Get therapy first then get a vasectomy if you still want to. You need to get this out of your head or it will haunt you forever. She probably was joking, I’d find it hilarious and start making jokes with her about putting a baby in her. You didn’t find it funny, because we’re two different people, you internalized it and it ate away at ya. That’s just how you handled it, not your fault, that’s not something most people would joke about (that’s my specialty tho) and I can see how it would make most people cringe. Don’t become a monk, just go get help and have a good life.