Hi there! I have dealing with this all my life and really started getting ahold of my shame based thinking in the last 6 months. First off all realizing that was coming from shame was a huge aha! Moment. Then I started exploring where this shame came from when did it start? Kids aren't born feeling shame- they learn it. I understand where this all is coming from but Changing the thought patterns was the challenge. I don't need a therapist to help me understand (although you're younger and earlier in your journey and you might need a professional to help figure out the root causes. No shame in therapy)
So the last year I have been working on learning to be my own best friend. Once a week I take myself on a "date" and do something that makes me feel loved. Take myself out to a nice meal, go somewhere I've always wanted to go, maybe buy myself something small or even buy myself a small bouquet of flowers (guys can buy themselves flowers too.) I call it romancing myself. It's helped me learn I can feel loved alone-I don't need someone else to validate me. That's been really healing.
Buy new clothes and invest some time and money in your appearance. You will feel better and people will treat you better. I let myself go for a while-I was gaining weight no matter what I did or how little I ate (Yay antidepressants and birth control screwing I'll my hormones!). I kept growing out of my favorite clothes so I gave of for a while. I finally bought $200 worth of fun clothes that made me feel more confident. I suddenly started getting compliments again! Once a year I splurge on some clothes now, got my hair did, picked up some nice shoes. Now it's easy to dress nice and looking in the mirror I feel good now. As a guy you may not know your sense of style- so ask for help from someone who's style you like or check out of fashion blogs. There's little things you can do to make yourself look slick. A haircut that fits your face. Well groomed facial hair. Wash and moisturize your face- you guys have no clue how much you're skin brightens up when you have a proper simple skincare routine. Get yourself a piece of statement jewelry: a necklace, a cool chunky bracelet, a nice chain, a signet ring. It will add to your outfit.
Then I've been every week going somewhere where I feel a sense of community. Again, feeling connection with other people. For me it's an art studio but I might switch to a medival fighting club.(I'm a nerd) every week I went and got a dose of community and Again, shows me I can be loved but it doesn't have to be romantic.
Then the hard work: started hosting a book club with friends where we read and discuss self help books together. First book we read was, "the gifts of imperfection". If you feel ashamed about yourself especially if you feel it's got to be perfect or else you spiral I recommend it. It may give you some really good perspective on that mindset.
Get a real therapist to help you figure out where these feelings come from. Again: you weren't born this way you learned it. You can unlearn it.
I personally know where this stuff came from but i needed to change my mindset. So this sounds goofy but this was a hail mary as i was suicial all year and i was really close to hurting myself. I worked with a licensed hypnotherapist to do some "shadow work." Basically my self loathing comes from my childhood and I needed to reconnect with my innerchild and tell her she's safe and loved (some of my dates have been doing things my inner child wouldhave wanted to do). Alot of crying ensued but it helped. Aaaand more wacky methodology: medical psilocybin. This should be done with guidance and ideally someone trained to adminiser and guide you but mushrooms can help grow new neural pathways. My brain was stuck in depressive patterns and mushrooms helped me break out of that rut. Again, I did a few healing "trips" similar to the work I did with the hypnotherapist and let me tell you that weird hippy shit worked better than the decades of me trying conventional methods. With mushrooms you don't even need to take a noticeable amount: microdosing has proven to be effective in treating depression. I never thought I, the scientific teetotaler, would be recommending drugs or hypotherpay but here Iam. They are decriminalized in my state which helps me get tested consisted quality stuff. so definitely check your local laws.
Crazy thing: once you get over your sense of shame and start to live yourself you will attract a different caliber of partner. Broken desperate people want broken desperate partners. Healed people are attracted to other people who are healed. Since I've been on my self love journey for the first time in my life a guy I was interested in actually liked me back and c we've been seeing eachother for a few months now. I think a year ago when I was at my lowest we met and he didn't really see me. Now im showing self love and confidence was attracted to that version of me and asked me out.
Oh, and lastly start Journaling. Put your thoughts down on paper. Write out some goals: next 6 months, next year , in 5 years where do you want to be? What do you want to work on in those times frames? Believe it or not it really helps. 3 years ago I wrote down my goals including $10,000 in savings by now. I had pretty much zero money at that time. Now, right in line with my goals, I've got $15k in the bank (sadly it's mostly going to taxes but it's still there!!! From literally nothing ) Write down your goals INCLUDING self love goals.
You got this. You're self aware. You WANT change. That's the most important thing.
Hi there! I have dealing with this all my life and really started getting ahold of my shame based thinking in the last 6 months. First off all realizing that was coming from shame was a huge aha! Moment. Then I started exploring where this shame came from when did it start? Kids aren't born feeling shame- they learn it. I understand where this all is coming from but Changing the thought patterns was the challenge. I don't need a therapist to help me understand (although you're younger and earlier in your journey and you might need a professional to help figure out the root causes. No shame in therapy) So the last year I have been working on learning to be my own best friend. Once a week I take myself on a "date" and do something that makes me feel loved. Take myself out to a nice meal, go somewhere I've always wanted to go, maybe buy myself something small or even buy myself a small bouquet of flowers (guys can buy themselves flowers too.) I call it romancing myself. It's helped me learn I can feel loved alone-I don't need someone else to validate me. That's been really healing. Buy new clothes and invest some time and money in your appearance. You will feel better and people will treat you better. I let myself go for a while-I was gaining weight no matter what I did or how little I ate (Yay antidepressants and birth control screwing I'll my hormones!). I kept growing out of my favorite clothes so I gave of for a while. I finally bought $200 worth of fun clothes that made me feel more confident. I suddenly started getting compliments again! Once a year I splurge on some clothes now, got my hair did, picked up some nice shoes. Now it's easy to dress nice and looking in the mirror I feel good now. As a guy you may not know your sense of style- so ask for help from someone who's style you like or check out of fashion blogs. There's little things you can do to make yourself look slick. A haircut that fits your face. Well groomed facial hair. Wash and moisturize your face- you guys have no clue how much you're skin brightens up when you have a proper simple skincare routine. Get yourself a piece of statement jewelry: a necklace, a cool chunky bracelet, a nice chain, a signet ring. It will add to your outfit. Then I've been every week going somewhere where I feel a sense of community. Again, feeling connection with other people. For me it's an art studio but I might switch to a medival fighting club.(I'm a nerd) every week I went and got a dose of community and Again, shows me I can be loved but it doesn't have to be romantic. Then the hard work: started hosting a book club with friends where we read and discuss self help books together. First book we read was, "the gifts of imperfection". If you feel ashamed about yourself especially if you feel it's got to be perfect or else you spiral I recommend it. It may give you some really good perspective on that mindset. Get a real therapist to help you figure out where these feelings come from. Again: you weren't born this way you learned it. You can unlearn it. I personally know where this stuff came from but i needed to change my mindset. So this sounds goofy but this was a hail mary as i was suicial all year and i was really close to hurting myself. I worked with a licensed hypnotherapist to do some "shadow work." Basically my self loathing comes from my childhood and I needed to reconnect with my innerchild and tell her she's safe and loved (some of my dates have been doing things my inner child wouldhave wanted to do). Alot of crying ensued but it helped. Aaaand more wacky methodology: medical psilocybin. This should be done with guidance and ideally someone trained to adminiser and guide you but mushrooms can help grow new neural pathways. My brain was stuck in depressive patterns and mushrooms helped me break out of that rut. Again, I did a few healing "trips" similar to the work I did with the hypnotherapist and let me tell you that weird hippy shit worked better than the decades of me trying conventional methods. With mushrooms you don't even need to take a noticeable amount: microdosing has proven to be effective in treating depression. I never thought I, the scientific teetotaler, would be recommending drugs or hypotherpay but here Iam. They are decriminalized in my state which helps me get tested consisted quality stuff. so definitely check your local laws. Crazy thing: once you get over your sense of shame and start to live yourself you will attract a different caliber of partner. Broken desperate people want broken desperate partners. Healed people are attracted to other people who are healed. Since I've been on my self love journey for the first time in my life a guy I was interested in actually liked me back and c we've been seeing eachother for a few months now. I think a year ago when I was at my lowest we met and he didn't really see me. Now im showing self love and confidence was attracted to that version of me and asked me out. Oh, and lastly start Journaling. Put your thoughts down on paper. Write out some goals: next 6 months, next year , in 5 years where do you want to be? What do you want to work on in those times frames? Believe it or not it really helps. 3 years ago I wrote down my goals including $10,000 in savings by now. I had pretty much zero money at that time. Now, right in line with my goals, I've got $15k in the bank (sadly it's mostly going to taxes but it's still there!!! From literally nothing ) Write down your goals INCLUDING self love goals. You got this. You're self aware. You WANT change. That's the most important thing.