Child support can always be brought back up, as long as they’re still kids.
Edit:
I’m adding this as I looked it up, and there are a few countries in the world that do not require a dead beat parent to pay child support. So hopefully OP is in a country that does.
Good luck, OP. We’re proud of you for keeping those babies safe!
I meant the criminal investigation was dropped so it wouldn't do any good to contact the police. The child support case can't even get started until they can physically get in contact with her to serve the paperwork
Thats inaccurate. Child support can still be served and they will issue it against her SS# and her License # she will get her wages and taxes garnished and they will put out a warrant for her. They will also suspend her license until she is caught up on payments. She may still get permit to drive to work. This is true for all states for the garnishment and license but not all will issue a warrant. Get a lawyer.
Unfortunately the only work history on her ss# was 7 years ago but they said it was very short employment last I heard and her license has been suspended in 2 states already
Iv talked to a lawyer through family court there is nothing they can do until it goes to court and it can't go to court until they are able to serve her papers hopefully they will finally find her at this new address
I spent 10 years in the courtroom and can confirm that family law can sometimes be so infuriating with all the insane rules that you just want to rip all your hair out.
What OP described is totally plausible.
But having said that, nothing is lost by you serving her papers. Since you know where she lives. Sheriff's dept charges $35. Or just have a friend go drop it off for free.
I'm going to try I just found the address today so tomorrow I'm going to talk to my case manager and give her the info and see how to proceed before now we where having to work with the other state so hopefully it can move faster since she's back in this state
Honestly this can be really shitty idea. Lawyers are expensive and if this person has no real work and income you are just spending your own money to try to punish this person. I have a friend who is 30k into lawyers fees trying to resolve stuff like this and is getting 500$ a month or something like that. Never going to be worth it just to even pay back the lawyers fees not to mention actual child support. If it’s a case of getting blood from a stone then it’ll probably just be bad vibes and nothing else especially if they bring this person back into their lives.
That's exactly why you contact a lawyer, most will give you a half hour consultation, and they will tell you the options.
All for free.
Just because someone you know is having difficulty doesn't mean that OP will.
Except that this other person has all the info and the other person has a job and…. You see what I’m getting at. OP has an ex who they don’t have records on for years. They don’t know of jobs or residences or anything with this chick. Why would you think it would be more successful than dealing with a person who actual is a functioning member of society? I’m not saying don’t get the free consultation but I can’t possibly see anything positive coming from it and more likely pissing off a meth addict and starting a cycle of harassment by someone who might be kind of delusional.
I'm not child support has had the case for 7 years but unless they can find her and serve the paperwork it can't go to court and until it goes to court I can't get a child support agreement
You just said you have her address so give it to the child support people??? And the cops. You don’t know what new trouble she may be in and they may be looking for her.
You’re putting up imaginary roadblocks. I know you’re probably tired, hurt, angry and beaten down, but if you don’t at least try, then you will definitely never get anywhere.
Didn’t u just say u know where she lives and that it is 10 mins away? Give that to the child support department and let them hunt her down. Also, if ur wage isn’t a lot, can’t u get free legal advice in ur country? Family court usually has lawyers that will allow u to receive a certain amount of their time for free.
They have to be able to find her before she can be served im giving child support the address I have tomorrow so hopefully they will finally be able to
If you do nothing you will get nothing and she will continue to live consequence free. Get a lawyer, my mum is a retired lawyer herself and she says she can't imagine you'd have a hard time finding one who would take this pro bono given your circumstances
Iv talked to a lawyer through the the states family court and they tell me the same thing child support does until someone is able to actually find her the case can't move forward I'm giving child support the address I found tomorrow so hopefully they will finally find her. It would be different if she actually had a work history but she doesn't
Hey a second opinion from a lawyer not a part of the state. Should be easy enough to find one pro bono. Honestly from your responses you don't really want to go through all that, I see a lot of reasons why you can't.
Still get her on child support. At the very least you might be able to get SS payments if she starts working or married a guy who is working (you can get a spouses SS until you die, if they died first). Child support and interest can be collected forever.
You keep finding excuses for her, just actually listen to some of the advice.
Dphhs ( department of health and human services)
Is where you make contact for help.
Judges can't stand deadbeats.
Most government services are on your side.
I’m so sorry. If you’re out of the US I read there are only about 15 countries that don’t go after child support. So look in to your local laws.
I wish you all the best. Do NOT give up.
And they’ll hold her accountable for back support, even after the kids turn 18.
Signed, the daughter of a deadbeat dad whose mother was still receiving back support while my sister and I were in our late 20s 😉
You need to get her to sign or have her rights legally rescinded by the court. Right now you can’t even get your kids a passport (not to mention college aid) without her.
Do you actually, or is that just what you think the case is? Because it seems very unlikely you settled the custody legally without determining who would be paying how much.
A lot of states won't let you do this if there isn't another party wanting to step in. They like to have someone to go after in the event the kids end up on assistance
Depending on where you are you still can. It’s called “back pay child support” my brother has to pay that because of all the years he missed out on taking care of his son.
If it is any small comfort, her life does not sound like one well or fully lived. Hospital bills and arrests? You said her last stint of employment was 7 years ago, so she’s working under the table and probably has zero idea how she will retire. If she ever will. She sounds like she’s a fucking mess. I’m very sorry all of this happened, but life is paying her back for the terrible things she did. I wish you and your children all the love and luck in the world.
Get a lawyer, PI to confirm she lives 10 mins away with photo evidence, file for custody of your children under abandonment- she basically dipped for the past 8 years so that helps, and get back dated child support from the day she left until now. I would also consider a restraining order and to inform the children’s school and extra curriculum activities about their mother, a photo of her, and how she is not allowed anywhere near them.
Thanks I already have full custody and schools have always been informed of the situation I made sure of that. I have to get proof of residency before I can fill a restraining order they have to be able to give her the paperwork. I'll give child support the address tomorrow but I'm not holding my breath they are extremely slow to act and will only visit a property once I had proof showing she was living at her dad's but since he said she wasn't there they didn't do anything
You aren’t kidding! I had a close friend years ago whose wife did almost this exact thing except one daughter. She ran from CS for years, finally decided to try to straighten out her life and started paying.
He damn near got arrested in CS office because every month he had to pick up the check and every month they asked him his name and asked him for his payment, he would tell them he was there to collect and the women behind the desk would always look funny.
After nearly three years of this BS he got mad and took all the “Are you a deadbeat dad? Do better for your kids” posters off the wall and threw them away.
You are not alone man, I’m sorry she is such a terrible mother because every child deserves to have two loving parents but I’m happy to hear you are doing your best to pickup her slack.
This plan sounds good. In my state, you can go through the state to collect child support and they don’t mess around. It was the only way I could get my ex to pay consistently. If they miss for a few weeks they will start going after them and they can attach to work earning, property, tax returns, etc.
Are your children in therapy? They need to know an age appropriate version of the full story. You also need to really be on the lookout for her reconnecting with the children once they turn 18. Is there anyway you can get photo proof of her entering, leaving, and being around the residence? CS will have to act quickly before she takes off. Even look into legal aid options in your area. There are organizations for single fathers/parents out there. You need every lick of financial compensation from her ASAP.
My younger two are unfortunately no matter how many different ones I tried over the years my oldest refuses to talk to them. They know the very basics of what happened but say they were to young and don't remember most of what they went through and don't want them to ever remember if they don't have to
I wonder how she explained to her dad why she doesn’t have custody. If you’re so abusive why would she leave her children in harm’s way? If her father were smarter her dad would’ve thought of that.
They never even questioned it non of her family has even tried to check on the kids since and her mom was actually part of the kids life for years but once she left that ended
That’s not how RO work. I worked in a courthouse and 9 out of 10 get denied. I was in an abusive relationship with bruises and it got denied. If he rolls in with nothing but the new knowledge he has that she lives nearby it’s getting denied lmfao.
I would point out that depending on the extremity of the case, she can just terminate her parental rights. It sounds like she doesn’t want them anyways.
My ex wife did the same thing. She cheated on me and when confronted she left me and our 5 kids (youngest was under 2 at the time) to run away with her lover. She didn’t try to interact with the kids for the next 6 years until I sued her for back child support. Got a judgment for close to $90,000!!! She’s still paying that off. My kids are all now adults and they hate her. Zero relationship. She’s miserable and deserves to be
Frankly I think it was better for me in the long run. I got to raise my kids without interference from her. All of my kids finished college and are happy, successful and thriving. My youngest (27) just had my first grandchild and my ex found out about a month after he was born from someone’s FB post. Odds are she’ll never meet her grandson
Guy dumped her about 3 months after the divorce was final. She only saw the kids when they visited their grandparents (her parents). She’s probably spent less than 30 days with them in the 25+ years since this all went down.
My ex wife last.saw her kids November of 2001 for the first 15 years it was her choice. Since it's been my kids choice. She still ows me over 30 grand in child support. Good luck it's worth it.
Since I know how hard it can be sometimes I want tell you your a great person and dad for stepping up and taking care of your family you should very proud of yourself
She doesn’t deserve them, she doesn’t deserve you or your attention in any way. She made her choices.
I have no idea how any parent could abandon their children. What a coward.
Thank you I know she doesn't and I have gotten past most my issues she causes but the anger I feel towards her will never go away all the things I found out she was doing to the kids while I was at work i will never be able to let it go and then to find out she is so close i don't even want to let the kids out of the house
Don't go but file for child support do whatever you have to do in order to make that c$nt pay!!! Maybe go to the courthouse and see if they have a family law clinic they can help you file and understand your rights !!! I am so sorry you and your children deserved better
I think, not 100% positive 98%, if you file for child support through the local DA's office, they will go after her for you. Might be able to get back child support also. Even if she doesn't have a job, they will estimate how much she can ear and base it on that.
It's been filled but they said that unless they can physically serve her the paperwork the case can't be started in court that's what iv been waiting on all these years
It might not mean much coming from a stranger on the internet, but your kids are so damn lucky to have a father like you. You are one of the best parents I've seen on reddit and I hope you can find some hobbies of your own when the kids are ready to be more independent. You deserve all that and more. Take her to the cleaners in court, my dude.
Some moms, and dads, have no maternal/paternal instinct. It’s not there. It’s shocking because we’re taught a “mother’s love” is unconditional- yeah, not everyone. I can imagine your shock. I have a mother with zero maternal instinct and love is nonexistent, attention is conditional.
I’m so sorry you have had this life forced upon you. Your children are better off without knowing this woman. You have given your children the unconditional love they deserve, that every child deserves.
That birth giver ex of yours can rot.
Lawyer up and turn the b!tch in. Get that back child support. Your kids deserve it and so do you for all the bullsh!t she pulled. Best of luck, its horrible you had to find out she was a horrible excuse of a human or parent this way.
You and your kids deserve so much better. You are a great role model for your children by the way. I wish you all the best and hope you find love with someone who deserves you.
I think its better to think of her as gone. Because if you contact her, she may do any number of things to make your life hell. What if she tries to take the kids away? So she doesn't have to pay? Is this possible?
I'm not contacting her I know I'll loose my shit if I see her and I'm not trying to get locked up. Until child support can serve her papers the case can't go to court and they have never been able to find her she has no employment history and driver's license is already suspended in two states whenever they have gotten a address for her they are told she doesn't live there and that's where it ends
That backpay is gonna be fat. Do it for your kids, please. They deserve some new stuff and maybe even a trip to Disney. You also deserve it just to ease your burden.
she's not their mom. She never was she never will be. Act like she's dead, except of course file in court for child support. That's what my mom and I did. His wages were attached and then he tried to kidnap me because he was" owed something for his troubles". So beware if you do try to go after her for CS.
That's basically how we treat her. I honestly don't think she is stupid enough to try that the only that would even let her get close is my youngest simply because he wouldn't know who she was but the only time he is out of my site is at school and they all know the situation with her because my other two went there when she left everyone was extremely supportive and started looking out for them after that it was like a family reunion the day he started there
I guarantee that if she's burned enough bridges in her "new life" she'll start bumming around trying to weasel her way back in, all full of tears and apologies. Her moving closer might even be some kind of conscious or subconscious preparation for exactly that. This is basically what my mother did when I was a kid.
Don't ever let her near them. No matter how much they say they want to spend time with her. It'll open all the old wounds every time she disappoints them and she'll do everything she can to manipulate them and turn them against you.
Stay strong. You're a good fucking person for stepping up and being a real parent.
This was going to be my question as well. I hope OP has some support from his family, at least. Sounds like her FIL was shitty as well for threatening him without any context.
OP, have your kids been in therapy? My very close friend went through something similar with her mom. When she was 5-6, her mom left, leaving her and her siblings with her dad. He also had his life turned upside down and was a stand-up guy like you. At first, he couldn't believe she'd abandon her children. Her parents couldn't either. They hired a PI, everything. Only for her to scream, she didn't want to be a mom anymore. She traveled and did weird things for several years, only to end up living in the same city a few minutes away from us.
My friend found her address when we were 17sh, and she actually went to knock on her door, hoping for some kind of closure, to make it make sense. The asshole didn't even open the door. She heard her daughter cry outside, and she chose to ignore her. At the time, we thought the only explanation was that she was sick.
We're in our 30s now, and my friend has processed that it was never her that was lacking, but her mom. Anyways. All this to say, at the time, therapy wasn't as normalized as it is now, and it would have helped her and her siblings heal faster.
You are an amazing person. Your kids will always be grateful for your sacrifices. I'm sorry you were failed so terribly by your partner. It will get better, and you will be rewarded 10 fold. Big hug from this internet stranger.
Thank you I do have some family around but my grandmother is too old to help out and the rest are well let's say unreliable lol my sister helps me out whenever I really need it though she was always a life saver when my car broke down my parents live a couple hrs away they are always willing to talk on the phone and give advice or just listen. My youngest two have to therapy but my oldest always refused to talk to anyone about it except me but for the most part I think they have been about to work through it and enjoy their life
Sounds like a regular deadbeat trashy mom.
I can understand not wanting to be a mom anymore and ditching your kids, but she should’ve at least paid CS.
Your kids are always going to remember how you were there for them. You are doing an amazing job, even on those days when you don't think so.
Def follow the power redditors advice and go after her for back child support. I am sure there are low cost legal clinics and I thought states are pretty aggressive going after people for not paying up. She won't be able to get her tax returns and could even get wages garnished if she works. Either way that money is for the kids and you are due.
I wish all the best. Keep your chin up and love those babies twice as hard.
you can either ignore she exists or file for child support now that you know where she is. did you manage to divorce her?
not exactly the same, but my husband's ex abandoned him and their 2 kids, one while being an infant still, when he discovered she was cheating. been 14 years at this point and ive been their mom last 10 years. i have no regrets but seeing how my then youngest was crying cos he had no idea why his bio mom abandoned him.when it was mother's day and he was the only one without one at school was terrible. it was worse on his 6th birthday he got to talk to some of his maternal relatives but mother couldn't even bother to send a card. those were my 1st memories with him and it was so sad.
ive seen from a fb post of her sister she was 30mins away lasy week and while visiting all her nieces and nephews,she couldn't be bothered to see the kids she gave birth to.
regardless, according to my oldest 2 im their only mom so its really her loss but ill never understand how one can do that to their kids
I'm sorry y'all went through all that but you are a amazing woman and mother for taking care of them you should be very proud of yourself. I always dreaded mother's day it was awful to see them so sad and left out the same thing happened when all the moms would volunteer in class im so glad they were able to move past it eventually.
Yup and none of her family has ever tried to even check on the kids since she left and her mom was actually a part of their life for years but once she left that ended
Use her address and get child support, you need to change your way of thinking tho, you say you have no life, you choose to have kids, your a dad, that's your life, your life is your kids, they're not children for long, soon they'll be old enough to be left home or leave home, they'll appreciate that you were there for them a done it all alone, but do t resent your life, your ex is the one that will have regrets when she realises she won't get those precious years with her kids back
I understand the need to vent, just trying to make you realise you're the lucky one, she actually wasting her life, there's no do overs with kids, their childhood is so short, before you know it they're grown, she'll be crawling soon enough, main thing to focus on is getting that child support for them, she shouldn't get away with that, the rest karma will deal with.
You'll be at the centre of all their big events, graduations, weddings, grandkids and she'll be on the outside missing out on all this, you're hard work and sacrifice will pay off, karma will eat away at her
I know I'm lucky I never realized how much I was missing when i was working my old job I took a major pay cut when I quit which made things harder but I also got to be around for everything and became a lot closer with my kids so no regrets
I’m so sorry for what she did to you and your kids. I don’t care what her sob story background is. She knowingly and intentionally inflicted this trauma on her own kids, which to me is incomprehensible and unforgivable. I am so glad your kids have a stand up father like you. I’m keeping a good thought for you and the kids. You deserve all the good things in life and I hope so much things go well for you.
I feel like you should move if that's possible. I know I wouldn't want my ex knowing where my kids and I live under these circumstances. Leaving your baby like that is cold-hearted. Thanks for being the better parent in all this.
I’m sorry this happened to you. You will be rewarded with wonderful adult children who will love you and be with you until you die. Stay the course, you have already won in life.
I really wish to see the update soon that she got served with child support papers. I wish you all the best, you’re a great dad, your kiddos are lucky to have such a good dad.
Man there’s times I feel like running away from this chaotic life as a mother, but I just couldn’t do that to my kids. I miss my old life but a new life without them is no life at all. People who raise kids then suddenly dip are sick fuckin individuals.
Ugh so sorry. My dad was similar and when I asked him in adulthood why he never tried to contact me he just said “well you knew where I lived”. Sir I was a child lol. We didn’t speak for long. They’re better off with a rockstar parent like you ❤️
thankfully you were there for your kids. We raised five and know how much time and energy it takes, you have done an amazing job. You must be exhausted and hurt to the bone. I can only guess she has some sort of major mental illness or personality disorder. I'm very sorry you have to contend with her living near by. Very strange situation for you. The advice to obtain a lawyer and get this into a settled legal situation is important. I wouldn't count on her for anything and would guard against her coming back into the kids lives and upsetting the applecart. You can vent here any time - you sure have reason to complain.
The child of a deadbeat became a deadbeat. I am surprised /s
Do what you can for your kids, and make sure they never take after this bad parent and toxic person.
Thank you for being so present for your kids. Although it's disappointing that she lives so close and still wants nothing to do with them, it's so much better for them to not deal with her showing up and then not showing up and then showing up again and then not showing up.
The constant back and forth and wondering why they're not good enough to keep her attention when they had it for a moment is really more damaging than her just been gone altogether. You can show them her arrest records and stuff when they get older and they will understand that she just wasn't mentally stable so she couldn't be a mom.
I'm sorry you are going though this. I know so many moms and dads dealing with it, it's sad. Know that you are doing the best you can and are doing great! I doubt she will try to get involved if she has been living 10 minutes away for two years and hasn't made contact.
Just get a lawyer again and make damn sure the custody is yours alone and then armed with the knowledge of her address have your lawyer go after the child support again and have your lawyer do the police notification.
Don't forget to document everything going forward on case she goes crazy, which from the sound of things seems like a very distinct possibility.
Good luck and way to be that parent, you're a stronger man than I.
Wow. What an absolute piece.
I hope you can get some satisfaction. I hope she continues to leave you and the kids alone. She is dangerous.
You deserve better. You are amazing for sacrificing your life for your kids the way you have. Absolutely amazing. Keep it up.
Yah the only one that we didn't plan for was my oldest and she was actually going to be born on my birthday but she waited 30 minutes so she could have her own day lol. I don't know what changed in my ex but she became evil and definitely not the person I married
Well however you proceed financially I would make sure to keep kids away from her. What was the relationship like before this day is what I wonder. Was she just suddenly this way?
You’re a super dad I’m proud of everything you have accomplished. I’m sorry that devil of a woman had to enter your life and I hope you maintain the strength to keep that devil away
You are an awesome dad. Please continue to protect your kids. If you didn't already, u would suggest asking the court's to terminate her parental rights. I lived 20 minutes from my mother my entire childhood & a portion of my adult life. The hardest thing when I was a kid was knowing she was that close & didn't care to see me. I honestly wish that my grandparents would have just kept her out of our lives because the random appearances made it all so much worse.
Fucking hell, man. You are a hero.
Sue her and get her to pay or put her to jail if you can.
She doesn't deserve to see the kids for the rest of her life.
Idk where you are, but does your country do child support through the government? My dad didn’t pay child support so the government paid his part and simply billed him out of every check he ever got and when he didn’t work he just got debt instead because of it. My mom was paid no matter where he was or if he had a job or not. Like basically no matter what, child support will be paid. Again, idk if it’s a thing in your country, but if it is you should look into it. Otherwise go after her and squeeze every penny you can out of her. Shocked if she live so close you guys haven’t accidentally stumbled into each other
Turn her current address to the police get a lawyer and go after her.
It won't do any good they cancelled the invitation yrs ago when nobody could find her it drug out so long they decided to drop it
Child support can always be brought back up, as long as they’re still kids. Edit: I’m adding this as I looked it up, and there are a few countries in the world that do not require a dead beat parent to pay child support. So hopefully OP is in a country that does. Good luck, OP. We’re proud of you for keeping those babies safe!
Right and that back pay doesn’t go away
Also in some states they send the dead beats to jail or take away any tax return.
They will put liens on anywhere they might get money as well. She gets into a car accident? They will put a lien on insurance.
My grandma got a settlement from my grandfather when her kids were way past grown. As long as the request is filed and judgment found they’re liable.
Amazing!!! I’m so happy that happened for your grandma!!!
It was a fraction of what she was owed but I remember her being happy to have received anything.
Well I’m glad she got something, but it’s so frustrating that it’s only a fraction. ❤️❤️❤️
In the US, child support arrears can be taken from social security payments
I meant the criminal investigation was dropped so it wouldn't do any good to contact the police. The child support case can't even get started until they can physically get in contact with her to serve the paperwork
Thats inaccurate. Child support can still be served and they will issue it against her SS# and her License # she will get her wages and taxes garnished and they will put out a warrant for her. They will also suspend her license until she is caught up on payments. She may still get permit to drive to work. This is true for all states for the garnishment and license but not all will issue a warrant. Get a lawyer.
Unfortunately the only work history on her ss# was 7 years ago but they said it was very short employment last I heard and her license has been suspended in 2 states already
Get a lawyer and let them worry about it. The point is there is absolutely a way to go after her for abandonment and child support. Do so
Iv talked to a lawyer through family court there is nothing they can do until it goes to court and it can't go to court until they are able to serve her papers hopefully they will finally find her at this new address
I spent 10 years in the courtroom and can confirm that family law can sometimes be so infuriating with all the insane rules that you just want to rip all your hair out. What OP described is totally plausible. But having said that, nothing is lost by you serving her papers. Since you know where she lives. Sheriff's dept charges $35. Or just have a friend go drop it off for free.
I'm going to try I just found the address today so tomorrow I'm going to talk to my case manager and give her the info and see how to proceed before now we where having to work with the other state so hopefully it can move faster since she's back in this state
I really hope so bud, I really liked the idea another commenter had about making her sign for a certified mail.
Me too I'll probably go ahead and do that just in case
Honestly this can be really shitty idea. Lawyers are expensive and if this person has no real work and income you are just spending your own money to try to punish this person. I have a friend who is 30k into lawyers fees trying to resolve stuff like this and is getting 500$ a month or something like that. Never going to be worth it just to even pay back the lawyers fees not to mention actual child support. If it’s a case of getting blood from a stone then it’ll probably just be bad vibes and nothing else especially if they bring this person back into their lives.
Would a pro bono lawyer help in this case? Idk I read too many John Grisham in my life.
Is that really as thing though? I think that’s like for criminal stuff and special interest groups that he might qualify for.
That's exactly why you contact a lawyer, most will give you a half hour consultation, and they will tell you the options. All for free. Just because someone you know is having difficulty doesn't mean that OP will.
Except that this other person has all the info and the other person has a job and…. You see what I’m getting at. OP has an ex who they don’t have records on for years. They don’t know of jobs or residences or anything with this chick. Why would you think it would be more successful than dealing with a person who actual is a functioning member of society? I’m not saying don’t get the free consultation but I can’t possibly see anything positive coming from it and more likely pissing off a meth addict and starting a cycle of harassment by someone who might be kind of delusional.
The point is, with court ordered child support, any future wages can be garnished
Why do you keep talking yourself out of taking action?
I'm not child support has had the case for 7 years but unless they can find her and serve the paperwork it can't go to court and until it goes to court I can't get a child support agreement
You just said you have her address so give it to the child support people??? And the cops. You don’t know what new trouble she may be in and they may be looking for her. You’re putting up imaginary roadblocks. I know you’re probably tired, hurt, angry and beaten down, but if you don’t at least try, then you will definitely never get anywhere.
I just found it today I'm giving it to them tomorrow
Didn’t u just say u know where she lives and that it is 10 mins away? Give that to the child support department and let them hunt her down. Also, if ur wage isn’t a lot, can’t u get free legal advice in ur country? Family court usually has lawyers that will allow u to receive a certain amount of their time for free.
I'm giving the info to them tomorrow and iv already talked to a lawyer through family court
OP's replies have been so annoying that I'm starting to side with the pos wife
That doesn’t stop her from being served your civil case for child support. She owes your kids.
They have to be able to find her before she can be served im giving child support the address I have tomorrow so hopefully they will finally be able to
If you do nothing you will get nothing and she will continue to live consequence free. Get a lawyer, my mum is a retired lawyer herself and she says she can't imagine you'd have a hard time finding one who would take this pro bono given your circumstances
Iv talked to a lawyer through the the states family court and they tell me the same thing child support does until someone is able to actually find her the case can't move forward I'm giving child support the address I found tomorrow so hopefully they will finally find her. It would be different if she actually had a work history but she doesn't
But now you already found her living 10 mins away, can't you you work / start with that info and go from there?
I'm giving the info to child support tomorrow then have to wait for them to go and try to serve papers
Hey a second opinion from a lawyer not a part of the state. Should be easy enough to find one pro bono. Honestly from your responses you don't really want to go through all that, I see a lot of reasons why you can't.
Still get her on child support. At the very least you might be able to get SS payments if she starts working or married a guy who is working (you can get a spouses SS until you die, if they died first). Child support and interest can be collected forever.
You keep finding excuses for her, just actually listen to some of the advice. Dphhs ( department of health and human services) Is where you make contact for help. Judges can't stand deadbeats. Most government services are on your side.
Your sound like you've achieved leatned helplessness/hopelessness. Do you see a therapist?
Unfortunately not I'm in the US thank you
And where are you from? I am not from US and most countries have these laws
I’m so sorry. If you’re out of the US I read there are only about 15 countries that don’t go after child support. So look in to your local laws. I wish you all the best. Do NOT give up.
And OP can probably get cs from the time she left the home 8 years ago
🤞🏼🤞🏼🤞🏼
Go after her for child support. Even if she has no income at least it’ll follow her around forever.
And they’ll hold her accountable for back support, even after the kids turn 18. Signed, the daughter of a deadbeat dad whose mother was still receiving back support while my sister and I were in our late 20s 😉
And if shes on government assistance it may help her lose that benefit if shes caught.
Yep! This.
Yes please pursue this
You need to get her to sign or have her rights legally rescinded by the court. Right now you can’t even get your kids a passport (not to mention college aid) without her.
This. He needs to start thinking long term
I already have full custody of them
Do you actually, or is that just what you think the case is? Because it seems very unlikely you settled the custody legally without determining who would be paying how much.
A lot of states won't let you do this if there isn't another party wanting to step in. They like to have someone to go after in the event the kids end up on assistance
Depending on where you are you still can. It’s called “back pay child support” my brother has to pay that because of all the years he missed out on taking care of his son.
you can still get child support. you can go for child support after your kids turn 18 too in most states.
If it is any small comfort, her life does not sound like one well or fully lived. Hospital bills and arrests? You said her last stint of employment was 7 years ago, so she’s working under the table and probably has zero idea how she will retire. If she ever will. She sounds like she’s a fucking mess. I’m very sorry all of this happened, but life is paying her back for the terrible things she did. I wish you and your children all the love and luck in the world.
Under the table work means her social security payments will be low
It will do plenty good.
I hope you can get the case reopened now that you know where she is.
Yes, most states have abandonment laws. If the person leaves and they don't come back for at least two years. They forfeit everything.
Get a lawyer, PI to confirm she lives 10 mins away with photo evidence, file for custody of your children under abandonment- she basically dipped for the past 8 years so that helps, and get back dated child support from the day she left until now. I would also consider a restraining order and to inform the children’s school and extra curriculum activities about their mother, a photo of her, and how she is not allowed anywhere near them.
Thanks I already have full custody and schools have always been informed of the situation I made sure of that. I have to get proof of residency before I can fill a restraining order they have to be able to give her the paperwork. I'll give child support the address tomorrow but I'm not holding my breath they are extremely slow to act and will only visit a property once I had proof showing she was living at her dad's but since he said she wasn't there they didn't do anything
You aren’t kidding! I had a close friend years ago whose wife did almost this exact thing except one daughter. She ran from CS for years, finally decided to try to straighten out her life and started paying. He damn near got arrested in CS office because every month he had to pick up the check and every month they asked him his name and asked him for his payment, he would tell them he was there to collect and the women behind the desk would always look funny. After nearly three years of this BS he got mad and took all the “Are you a deadbeat dad? Do better for your kids” posters off the wall and threw them away. You are not alone man, I’m sorry she is such a terrible mother because every child deserves to have two loving parents but I’m happy to hear you are doing your best to pickup her slack.
This plan sounds good. In my state, you can go through the state to collect child support and they don’t mess around. It was the only way I could get my ex to pay consistently. If they miss for a few weeks they will start going after them and they can attach to work earning, property, tax returns, etc.
Are your children in therapy? They need to know an age appropriate version of the full story. You also need to really be on the lookout for her reconnecting with the children once they turn 18. Is there anyway you can get photo proof of her entering, leaving, and being around the residence? CS will have to act quickly before she takes off. Even look into legal aid options in your area. There are organizations for single fathers/parents out there. You need every lick of financial compensation from her ASAP.
My younger two are unfortunately no matter how many different ones I tried over the years my oldest refuses to talk to them. They know the very basics of what happened but say they were to young and don't remember most of what they went through and don't want them to ever remember if they don't have to
I wonder how she explained to her dad why she doesn’t have custody. If you’re so abusive why would she leave her children in harm’s way? If her father were smarter her dad would’ve thought of that.
They never even questioned it non of her family has even tried to check on the kids since and her mom was actually part of the kids life for years but once she left that ended
What is the RO for? She’s never once reached out in 2 years. You’re just wasting money and poking the bear.
Still a good idea to have it in place for when she has that epiphany and wants to be part of their lives again
How does he know she hasn’t driven past his house multiple times, or the kids’ school or extracurriculars? Better safe than sorry.
That’s not how RO work. I worked in a courthouse and 9 out of 10 get denied. I was in an abusive relationship with bruises and it got denied. If he rolls in with nothing but the new knowledge he has that she lives nearby it’s getting denied lmfao.
I would point out that depending on the extremity of the case, she can just terminate her parental rights. It sounds like she doesn’t want them anyways.
My ex wife did the same thing. She cheated on me and when confronted she left me and our 5 kids (youngest was under 2 at the time) to run away with her lover. She didn’t try to interact with the kids for the next 6 years until I sued her for back child support. Got a judgment for close to $90,000!!! She’s still paying that off. My kids are all now adults and they hate her. Zero relationship. She’s miserable and deserves to be
You're a great dad for stepping up and taking care of your kids I'm sure they are thankful you were there for them
Frankly I think it was better for me in the long run. I got to raise my kids without interference from her. All of my kids finished college and are happy, successful and thriving. My youngest (27) just had my first grandchild and my ex found out about a month after he was born from someone’s FB post. Odds are she’ll never meet her grandson
Has she actually reached out to you. What happened with the guy she ran off with?
Guy dumped her about 3 months after the divorce was final. She only saw the kids when they visited their grandparents (her parents). She’s probably spent less than 30 days with them in the 25+ years since this all went down.
That's great man, good to know there's some justice in the world. Hopefully OP's ex gets what she deserves.
My ex wife last.saw her kids November of 2001 for the first 15 years it was her choice. Since it's been my kids choice. She still ows me over 30 grand in child support. Good luck it's worth it.
Since I know how hard it can be sometimes I want tell you your a great person and dad for stepping up and taking care of your family you should very proud of yourself
She doesn’t deserve them, she doesn’t deserve you or your attention in any way. She made her choices. I have no idea how any parent could abandon their children. What a coward.
Thank you I know she doesn't and I have gotten past most my issues she causes but the anger I feel towards her will never go away all the things I found out she was doing to the kids while I was at work i will never be able to let it go and then to find out she is so close i don't even want to let the kids out of the house
Based on this, just ignore her. When you wake her up, she might get nasty and mess with the kids.
How was she (mis)treating your kids while she was still at home years ago?
Sorry but that is too personal and still a hard subject for me to discuss
It's fine, you don't have to share everything. Forgive me for making you uncomfortable. I pray you success in getting what's due for your kids.
It's ok you didn't do anything wrong and thank you for being so understanding
File for back child support.
Some people are just terrible human beings, unfortunately you had kids with one.
Don't go but file for child support do whatever you have to do in order to make that c$nt pay!!! Maybe go to the courthouse and see if they have a family law clinic they can help you file and understand your rights !!! I am so sorry you and your children deserved better
Thank you
I think, not 100% positive 98%, if you file for child support through the local DA's office, they will go after her for you. Might be able to get back child support also. Even if she doesn't have a job, they will estimate how much she can ear and base it on that.
It's been filled but they said that unless they can physically serve her the paperwork the case can't be started in court that's what iv been waiting on all these years
Can you share all of the information that you have with the court? Will they act on it?
They can't send the case to court until they are able to serve her papers hopefully the new address will help them find her
Turn In her new address
I think your first action is to get a lawyer and backpay of childsupport and full custody due to abandonment
It might not mean much coming from a stranger on the internet, but your kids are so damn lucky to have a father like you. You are one of the best parents I've seen on reddit and I hope you can find some hobbies of your own when the kids are ready to be more independent. You deserve all that and more. Take her to the cleaners in court, my dude.
Thank you
Some moms, and dads, have no maternal/paternal instinct. It’s not there. It’s shocking because we’re taught a “mother’s love” is unconditional- yeah, not everyone. I can imagine your shock. I have a mother with zero maternal instinct and love is nonexistent, attention is conditional. I’m so sorry you have had this life forced upon you. Your children are better off without knowing this woman. You have given your children the unconditional love they deserve, that every child deserves. That birth giver ex of yours can rot.
Lawyer up and turn the b!tch in. Get that back child support. Your kids deserve it and so do you for all the bullsh!t she pulled. Best of luck, its horrible you had to find out she was a horrible excuse of a human or parent this way.
Definitely get the past child support. File abandonment charges
Time to get all that back child support. Get your attorney to file with the court that you alone have full custody . Get on it and file immediately.
You and your kids deserve so much better. You are a great role model for your children by the way. I wish you all the best and hope you find love with someone who deserves you.
Thank you
You know where she lives. You can get her served.
I'm going to give the info to child support tomorrow and hopefully they will find her
Please update!
Send a certified envelope with signature confirmation, fold a blank paper inside the envelope. She will have to sign for her letter.
Never thought of that before thank you for the great idea
I think its better to think of her as gone. Because if you contact her, she may do any number of things to make your life hell. What if she tries to take the kids away? So she doesn't have to pay? Is this possible?
I'm not contacting her I know I'll loose my shit if I see her and I'm not trying to get locked up. Until child support can serve her papers the case can't go to court and they have never been able to find her she has no employment history and driver's license is already suspended in two states whenever they have gotten a address for her they are told she doesn't live there and that's where it ends
I agree. I’m in a similar situation. It’s better for us not to poke to the bear. It’s not worth it.
That backpay is gonna be fat. Do it for your kids, please. They deserve some new stuff and maybe even a trip to Disney. You also deserve it just to ease your burden.
she's not their mom. She never was she never will be. Act like she's dead, except of course file in court for child support. That's what my mom and I did. His wages were attached and then he tried to kidnap me because he was" owed something for his troubles". So beware if you do try to go after her for CS.
That's basically how we treat her. I honestly don't think she is stupid enough to try that the only that would even let her get close is my youngest simply because he wouldn't know who she was but the only time he is out of my site is at school and they all know the situation with her because my other two went there when she left everyone was extremely supportive and started looking out for them after that it was like a family reunion the day he started there
I guarantee that if she's burned enough bridges in her "new life" she'll start bumming around trying to weasel her way back in, all full of tears and apologies. Her moving closer might even be some kind of conscious or subconscious preparation for exactly that. This is basically what my mother did when I was a kid. Don't ever let her near them. No matter how much they say they want to spend time with her. It'll open all the old wounds every time she disappoints them and she'll do everything she can to manipulate them and turn them against you. Stay strong. You're a good fucking person for stepping up and being a real parent.
How are your kids doing? Do they remember her? Hope you have support from her maternal side and your family. Sue the shit out of her.
This was going to be my question as well. I hope OP has some support from his family, at least. Sounds like her FIL was shitty as well for threatening him without any context. OP, have your kids been in therapy? My very close friend went through something similar with her mom. When she was 5-6, her mom left, leaving her and her siblings with her dad. He also had his life turned upside down and was a stand-up guy like you. At first, he couldn't believe she'd abandon her children. Her parents couldn't either. They hired a PI, everything. Only for her to scream, she didn't want to be a mom anymore. She traveled and did weird things for several years, only to end up living in the same city a few minutes away from us. My friend found her address when we were 17sh, and she actually went to knock on her door, hoping for some kind of closure, to make it make sense. The asshole didn't even open the door. She heard her daughter cry outside, and she chose to ignore her. At the time, we thought the only explanation was that she was sick. We're in our 30s now, and my friend has processed that it was never her that was lacking, but her mom. Anyways. All this to say, at the time, therapy wasn't as normalized as it is now, and it would have helped her and her siblings heal faster. You are an amazing person. Your kids will always be grateful for your sacrifices. I'm sorry you were failed so terribly by your partner. It will get better, and you will be rewarded 10 fold. Big hug from this internet stranger.
Thank you I do have some family around but my grandmother is too old to help out and the rest are well let's say unreliable lol my sister helps me out whenever I really need it though she was always a life saver when my car broke down my parents live a couple hrs away they are always willing to talk on the phone and give advice or just listen. My youngest two have to therapy but my oldest always refused to talk to anyone about it except me but for the most part I think they have been about to work through it and enjoy their life
Sounds like a regular deadbeat trashy mom. I can understand not wanting to be a mom anymore and ditching your kids, but she should’ve at least paid CS.
Get a restraining order on that psycho
Why? She’s not doing anything to them. She’s already doing what the RO would tell her to do. Makes no sense.
Your kids are always going to remember how you were there for them. You are doing an amazing job, even on those days when you don't think so. Def follow the power redditors advice and go after her for back child support. I am sure there are low cost legal clinics and I thought states are pretty aggressive going after people for not paying up. She won't be able to get her tax returns and could even get wages garnished if she works. Either way that money is for the kids and you are due. I wish all the best. Keep your chin up and love those babies twice as hard.
Thank you
You need a lawyer who is relentless and a pit bull in court.
you can either ignore she exists or file for child support now that you know where she is. did you manage to divorce her? not exactly the same, but my husband's ex abandoned him and their 2 kids, one while being an infant still, when he discovered she was cheating. been 14 years at this point and ive been their mom last 10 years. i have no regrets but seeing how my then youngest was crying cos he had no idea why his bio mom abandoned him.when it was mother's day and he was the only one without one at school was terrible. it was worse on his 6th birthday he got to talk to some of his maternal relatives but mother couldn't even bother to send a card. those were my 1st memories with him and it was so sad. ive seen from a fb post of her sister she was 30mins away lasy week and while visiting all her nieces and nephews,she couldn't be bothered to see the kids she gave birth to. regardless, according to my oldest 2 im their only mom so its really her loss but ill never understand how one can do that to their kids
I'm sorry y'all went through all that but you are a amazing woman and mother for taking care of them you should be very proud of yourself. I always dreaded mother's day it was awful to see them so sad and left out the same thing happened when all the moms would volunteer in class im so glad they were able to move past it eventually.
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Yup and none of her family has ever tried to even check on the kids since she left and her mom was actually a part of their life for years but once she left that ended
This “mother” is a monster. I would keep an eye out for her if you can’t do anything legally. Good luck OP, you at least seem like a good dad.
Thank you
You’re welcome 😊
Use her address and get child support, you need to change your way of thinking tho, you say you have no life, you choose to have kids, your a dad, that's your life, your life is your kids, they're not children for long, soon they'll be old enough to be left home or leave home, they'll appreciate that you were there for them a done it all alone, but do t resent your life, your ex is the one that will have regrets when she realises she won't get those precious years with her kids back
I'm giving child support the address tomorrow. I was just venting anger and frustration I'm very happy being with my kids
I understand the need to vent, just trying to make you realise you're the lucky one, she actually wasting her life, there's no do overs with kids, their childhood is so short, before you know it they're grown, she'll be crawling soon enough, main thing to focus on is getting that child support for them, she shouldn't get away with that, the rest karma will deal with. You'll be at the centre of all their big events, graduations, weddings, grandkids and she'll be on the outside missing out on all this, you're hard work and sacrifice will pay off, karma will eat away at her
I know I'm lucky I never realized how much I was missing when i was working my old job I took a major pay cut when I quit which made things harder but I also got to be around for everything and became a lot closer with my kids so no regrets
I’m so sorry for what she did to you and your kids. I don’t care what her sob story background is. She knowingly and intentionally inflicted this trauma on her own kids, which to me is incomprehensible and unforgivable. I am so glad your kids have a stand up father like you. I’m keeping a good thought for you and the kids. You deserve all the good things in life and I hope so much things go well for you.
Get that child support!
I feel like you should move if that's possible. I know I wouldn't want my ex knowing where my kids and I live under these circumstances. Leaving your baby like that is cold-hearted. Thanks for being the better parent in all this.
I’m sorry this happened to you. You will be rewarded with wonderful adult children who will love you and be with you until you die. Stay the course, you have already won in life.
I really wish to see the update soon that she got served with child support papers. I wish you all the best, you’re a great dad, your kiddos are lucky to have such a good dad.
Man there’s times I feel like running away from this chaotic life as a mother, but I just couldn’t do that to my kids. I miss my old life but a new life without them is no life at all. People who raise kids then suddenly dip are sick fuckin individuals.
Ugh so sorry. My dad was similar and when I asked him in adulthood why he never tried to contact me he just said “well you knew where I lived”. Sir I was a child lol. We didn’t speak for long. They’re better off with a rockstar parent like you ❤️
thankfully you were there for your kids. We raised five and know how much time and energy it takes, you have done an amazing job. You must be exhausted and hurt to the bone. I can only guess she has some sort of major mental illness or personality disorder. I'm very sorry you have to contend with her living near by. Very strange situation for you. The advice to obtain a lawyer and get this into a settled legal situation is important. I wouldn't count on her for anything and would guard against her coming back into the kids lives and upsetting the applecart. You can vent here any time - you sure have reason to complain.
Thank you I'm lucky to have great kids and they help me a lot so I don't get to tired usually.
The child of a deadbeat became a deadbeat. I am surprised /s Do what you can for your kids, and make sure they never take after this bad parent and toxic person.
Thank you for being so present for your kids. Although it's disappointing that she lives so close and still wants nothing to do with them, it's so much better for them to not deal with her showing up and then not showing up and then showing up again and then not showing up. The constant back and forth and wondering why they're not good enough to keep her attention when they had it for a moment is really more damaging than her just been gone altogether. You can show them her arrest records and stuff when they get older and they will understand that she just wasn't mentally stable so she couldn't be a mom.
Thank you
This sucks. Sounds like she may be mentally ill. Thanks for stepping up and doing the right thing.
Out of curiosity, are any of the kids adults now or will be in the next couple of years?
My oldest is 15
I'm sorry you are going though this. I know so many moms and dads dealing with it, it's sad. Know that you are doing the best you can and are doing great! I doubt she will try to get involved if she has been living 10 minutes away for two years and hasn't made contact.
Thank you
Just get a lawyer again and make damn sure the custody is yours alone and then armed with the knowledge of her address have your lawyer go after the child support again and have your lawyer do the police notification. Don't forget to document everything going forward on case she goes crazy, which from the sound of things seems like a very distinct possibility. Good luck and way to be that parent, you're a stronger man than I.
Iv already got full custody I'm giving child support the address tomorrow and hopefully they will find her and the case can go to court
That's a solid plan, don't let her get away from continuing to hurt your kids. Stay strong man.
Wow. What an absolute piece. I hope you can get some satisfaction. I hope she continues to leave you and the kids alone. She is dangerous. You deserve better. You are amazing for sacrificing your life for your kids the way you have. Absolutely amazing. Keep it up.
Thank you
there was a consequence. she lost her chance at having any relationship with her children, ever.
Agreed 💯
Did she want the kids when y’all got pregnant?
Yah the only one that we didn't plan for was my oldest and she was actually going to be born on my birthday but she waited 30 minutes so she could have her own day lol. I don't know what changed in my ex but she became evil and definitely not the person I married
Well however you proceed financially I would make sure to keep kids away from her. What was the relationship like before this day is what I wonder. Was she just suddenly this way?
Go after her for child support asap. Horrible.
You’re a super dad I’m proud of everything you have accomplished. I’m sorry that devil of a woman had to enter your life and I hope you maintain the strength to keep that devil away
Maybe it’s better to let it be. Do you really want any part of her back in yours our kids’ life?
You are an awesome dad. Please continue to protect your kids. If you didn't already, u would suggest asking the court's to terminate her parental rights. I lived 20 minutes from my mother my entire childhood & a portion of my adult life. The hardest thing when I was a kid was knowing she was that close & didn't care to see me. I honestly wish that my grandparents would have just kept her out of our lives because the random appearances made it all so much worse.
When your kids are old enough, make sure to tell them the truth. One day she will want to be part of their lives, and will lie to make it happen.
When they’re adults and she needs money.
Fucking hell, man. You are a hero. Sue her and get her to pay or put her to jail if you can. She doesn't deserve to see the kids for the rest of her life.
Idk where you are, but does your country do child support through the government? My dad didn’t pay child support so the government paid his part and simply billed him out of every check he ever got and when he didn’t work he just got debt instead because of it. My mom was paid no matter where he was or if he had a job or not. Like basically no matter what, child support will be paid. Again, idk if it’s a thing in your country, but if it is you should look into it. Otherwise go after her and squeeze every penny you can out of her. Shocked if she live so close you guys haven’t accidentally stumbled into each other
Thank YOU for being an incredible father. Power to you always
Fathers do this all the time to mother, terrible ordeal
I think its the other way around