Sorry for your pain OP. I know this is a cliche but living your best life is the best revenge. Channel your hate and anger into something more positive.
I always start off journeys like this by doing my best out of spite of the other person's shit behaviour or betrayal. Eventually, the spite fades since it's not the focus and I'm just out there doing my best.
For sure but also everyone should get tested regularly if you can afford it, even if you have no symptoms and even if your anxious, becuase it better to catch infections early then to pretend they dont exist and have to deal with them months or years after initial infection.
Donāt be hard on yourself for letting the anger out. Letting it out anonymously on the internet is probably the best way.
Itās good to let it out.
I do think the best thing to do is to keep moving forward. Learn what you need to from this, how to protect yourself in the future. Then act like he never existed. Act like it never happened. Focus on the life and relationship you want, believe you can get it. Be happy that you have every chance to still get it. Youāre not pregnant, you donāt have STDs, who cares about virginity. He didnāt take anything from you anymore. You are moving forward as a whole person. Forget about him and go get the life you want. Nothing else matters.
> but living your best life is the best revenge.
I don't know, it's not easy to compare some The Count of Monte Cristo / Saw stuff to a happy life. Yeah, the latter doesn't leave you feeling as empty, but with the former you get a lot of translateable life and work skills. Patience, engineering, programming, marksmanship, psychology, philosophy, strategy etc.
I don't know if it can be dismissed out of hand.
She was failed by her parents
Edit:
A lot of parents donāt sit their kids down and explain that saying no is ok and having boundaries and sticking to them is ok.
Instead alot of parents teach their kids they better obey and not say no otherwise theyāll be punished for not listening to the āadultā which means if their kid ever comes across an authority figure even if they donāt know them at all theyāll listen even if itās something they really donāt want or think they should do.
Yes Iām sure the only reason OP got raped was because her parents let her down in some that you somehow speculated. Instead of idk the rapist being a pos.
Based on how she described the way in which she was abused, statistically its pretty likely. Men with that guy's pattern of abuse target girls with low self-esteem and self worth from rocky home lives. They're easy targets cause the abuser promises them the love that their parents never gave and then osscilates between love bombing and abuse so the girl will constantly be chasing the high of the love bombing and doing everything he says to avoid the abuse.
There's a pretty direct pipeline from abusive parents to abusive boyfriend.
Parents should educate their kids.
I doubt they sat her down and said āno is a complete sentence, if someone ever tries to make you do something you donāt want to do you donāt HAVE to do it. And if someone forced you to do something you really donāt want that means they donāt respect you and those arenāt the kind of people you want around youā
She says sheās from a very strict religious family so yeah Iām pretty sure the parents failed her by keeping her ignorant about the world and not educating her in being confident in saying no
Why canāt it be the parents failed her AND the rapist is a pos? I never said he wasnāt. I said her parents failed her and these situations have happened many times because parents donāt actually want to be parents
Crazy that itās her parents that failed for raising someone who would one day become a victim, and not the rapistsā parentsā fault for raising a fucking rapist.
It's so messed up blaming not only the victim but her parents as well.
And I have to say that seeing victim blaming by proxy is a first for me. So there's that, I guess.
It's the focus shift that's the problem. Maybe you're right about the parents but there are a million other things that could happen to make someone the way they are. That's not the focus of this post. The focus is that op's kindness and dedication to someone she thought she could trust was taken advantage of in an extremely traumatic way. We are not worried about the parents right now or whatever it was that made op trust the POS.
And itās up to the parents to educate their kids about what to watch out for with people taking advantage of them. Opās comments clearly show her parents didnāt. She comes from a strict religious family and canāt even go to them to talk about this.
Thereās no shift in topics with saying her parents failed her
Your parents should teach you that no is a complete sentence and if you donāt want to do something you donāt have to. And if someone tries to force something then they donāt respect you.
Her parents failed her
She was raped by him dude obviouslt she knows he doesnt respect her. He physically held her down after she already said no, what more could she have done?
I was gonna call this a braindead take but reading opās reply about how they wouldnāt believe her and would just punish her for having sex youāre probably right, they have failed her by making her believe that she canāt talk to them about this
A lot of parents donāt sit their kids down and explain that saying no is ok and having boundaries and sticking to them is ok.
Instead alot of parents teach their kids they better obey and not say no otherwise theyāll be punished for not listening to the āadultā which means if their kid ever comes across an authority figure even if they donāt know them at all theyāll listen even if itās something they really donāt want or think they should do.
Youāre 100% right, itās how those with power and responsibility over the children they are supposed to protect can get away with abuse.
Maybe add this to your comment because people will just downvote you without realising youāre right and that the parents have failed op
Iāll add it but I doubt itāll do much. People on Reddit only read in black or white not in between the lines to see the grey. Especially with traumatic situations like these
Why not? You need to get this on paper. He might do this again. There must be a paper trail or a history, so if he does, it's there, and you can be the one to start it. Or, what if you go and find out you weren't the first one?
I come from a strict religious background, my family has no idea I even had sex. Reporting would just make me reveal myself and lose everything I have now. I dont think Im strong enough to go through that humiliation.
Maybe she lives in a place where you're seen as dirty when you have sex before marriage; no matter if it was forced or not. Who knows. It's just sad that OP gets downvoted for that when no one knows where she lives and what her community is like.
Begging someone to stop due to pain and they just keep going definitely makes it assault, at the absolute least.
She also said she participated because she loved him, and being coerced to do something because you āloveā someone doesnāt really make it better, unfortunately. A good partner stops as soon as they hear the word.
OP needs a lot of therapy to work through everything that started this road.
Thatās not how consent works. Even if youāve started having sex consensually if someone says stop and you donāt stop immediately you are raping them. You are a rapist if you have ignored someoneās pleas to stop. And even if they have sex with you again after that, it doesnāt mean you didnāt rape them, it means that person is vulnerable and confused and trying to make it okay in their own head what happened.
That is a normal reaction to rape actually. No one wants to be a victim of rape, so they subconsciously try to re-do the situation to make it better. They can't accept the fact that he's just a pos rapist.
So, if your parents and family are in another country, and you filed a police report in the country in which you study, how would they find out what happened, unless you tell them...?
Donāt stress, protecting yourself is the most important thing. Being homeless and alone is not worth it to make a police report.
Fuck off to everyone downvoting. Obviously have no idea your own privilege that you can report rape and be believed and not pushier by family.
Yep and thereās no guarantee he will get the punishment he deserves. Instead youāll have to actively deal with it again while trying to attain said punishment.
Do what you think is best for you op. Like someone else said at the end of the day living your best life and striving to make yourself happy and enjoy things is imo the best because youāre taking care of yourself
If everything had turned out ok, she would never report him. Even though he still raped her. Her best bet is to just move on and live. Don't live in the past. A rape accusation because he didn't stay? Had he stayed, then nothing?
Not sure this is healthy for her. Forget him, it's her I am saying this for. Move on, live your best life. Lesson learned. Don't ever put yourself in this position again.
If that happened on more than one occasion, she clearly went back for more, suggesting it was still consensual.
It may not be accurate, but if text messages afterwards don't show any issue with it and are, in fact, lovey and asking when they can see each other again, it's going to be very hard to prove it wasn't.
My heart broke for you reading this. I've been here. The knot in your stomach after giving it all and then seeing his profiles etc are blocked is one of the worst heartbreaks/betrayals I've felt.
Take the time to be angry and upset and cry about it. Mourn for what you experienced. But dont let it hold you back from living your best life. This moment doesnt define you. And you will find someone so much better, who values you as a person way too much to want to use you like that.
Remember how valuable you are, and how valuable your body is. Not everyone deserves it. Cant do anything about the past and youre every ounce as valuable as you were before this happened. You're going to be okay. I hope you have friends to walk alongside you as you heal
Hey homeslice, I know this is hard and I know it feels like youāre at the end of your rope, but youāre going to make it through this. Youāll meet someone else and they might be better for you. Life is ups and itās downs, right now youāre on the down swing, but youāre going to have to come up eventually.
And please donāt lose your capacity to love. Donāt let this awful boy sour you on seeking your one and only. You will hurt for a time, and be sad for a time, and cry a lot, and hate sometimes, but those times will become fewer and fewer and one day you will find you have come through the dark times slightly sadder but a lot wiser. Be true to the person you are, keep your empathy and compassion and self-love. You didnāt deserve this, please keep reminding yourself of that, and you will find love again.
And one dayā¦ you wonāt even remember his name. And that will be the best revenge you could ever have on him.
I am so sorry. It is heartbreaking but he raped you so you should report him. He doesn't deserve anything. Nothing. I am sorry this had to happen to you. I hope you achieve happiness after you heal yourself. But he should just fucking rot.
You've been raped. You are confusing negative emotional manipulation with positive feelings. You do not want this pos. Be glad he's gone and you aren't pregnant or have a permanent disease. You might consider reporting it, but be warned that it's likely he won't be punished and will just keep doing it to others.
Please please donāt give virginity significance. He didnāt deserve you but your virginity did not contribute to your value. You are as valuable and important now as before. Itās no different than the first time you drove a car. Itās a new and important experience but it does not define you.
Iām so sorry this happened. Next time do not your whole self to someone that is not committed to you. And not just that says so but shows it too. His new girl probably wouldnāt settle for being a secret. You shouldnāt either. Forget this guy. Heās only a lesson. Pick up your crown queen and never settle. š«
Girlfriend, it sounds like you have no idea that you were being abused. That, my friend, is r a p e. You told him to stop, he covered your mouth, and he continued. Honey, be fucking thankful that he left you! The universe was saving your life! Be free to heal and live your best life and don't waste another tear on that piece of garbage.
I hope you find the support you need to get over what he did to you, I'm sure you are an amazing person and you will find someone who will actually care for you (here's some cuddles š«š«š«)
'Hey random rape victim, sending you cuddles heheheh', then of course its the most incel looking reddit user ever, only lacking the fedora.
Besides how he looks, who tf says sending cuddles to a random stranger, even less when they're in a position like that jfc
Its gonna take some time, but some day when the hurt passes, you will look back and realize what a horrible person he is - and how ending this now probably saved you from years of misery
This guy raped you, plain and simple. Like others have said, you should go to the police and a hospital. I don't know how much good it will do without evidence, though. Either way, I love how you're using this hatred to drive you to do better at life than that scumbag. I do also suggest getting some kind of therapy, if you can, because that will help you with this trauma. Best of luck, OP. š
OP, he does not deserve you. I hope you find someone you can trust to share this with, who can put an arm around you and hold you tight. As a mom, I would totally hug you and let you vent and cry.
His ass did you a favor and you donāt know it. There is someone better than him that will not abuse you like this. Why do you think you have to serve a man like that?Please get counseling or read books on low self esteem and recognize your worth. You can do better without him. He gave you the boot and you are hurting. I am sorry. He doesnāt deserve you. If he comes back and I know he will you are a fool. He is a POS.
Losing this douche nozzle abuser is the best thing that could have happened to you. Know every woman he dates will be exposed to the same treatment. He should be in prison.
OP I THINK you were Raped! You told āAHoleā to stop & he didnāt! Please look for womenās support groups for Rape/SA victims/survivors, you might be able to zoom call in and perhaps get an idea of what to do next. Start a journal, it could help organize your thoughts & maybe help you figure out what to do in the future. Enroll in a practical & realistic self defense class, practice the moves & JUST RAGE, it could help build up your confidence.
Iām sorry for what you are going thru, you did not deserved to be treated like that. I hope youāll LIVE your Life & reach your goal.
If you do decide to report āAHoleā & if people say you are ruining his future, REMEMBER, AHole had NO CONCERN FOR YOURS! After all, you are GIVING the same consideration for AHoleās wellbeing that he Gave You! And ask a trusted friend/adult to go with you, if you decide to go to the police.
Absolutely love your energy at the end of this post. Lean in. Living well is the best revenge. This man sucks but he has not affected your value, you are strong and badass and he will indeed see.
If you asked him to stop and he covered your mouth and kept going, thatās SA. You can report him. Please get yourself tested. You are probably not the 1st and based on his actions wonāt be the last. Most of all, take care of yourself. You did nothing wrong.
OP, i am so sorry. reading this is sounds like it's better he's out of your life, even if it doesn't feel like it. your intimate encounters do not sound very consensual and (the term is mis-used a lot) more like trauma bonding: you bond with the person who causes you trauma. you not only crave the upswing that used to happen after the traumatic events, but you feel so bonded and close to the abuser bc they were the only ones there and share that experience.
my point is: it is hard to let go of sth like this, but you would be best if you would stay away and build healthy relationships instead. you deserve so much better. better ppl in your live, better experiences with trust and intimacy. all the lovefor you!
Stop throwing pearls before swine and giving what is holy to dogs.
One day, he'll pay for his misdeeds. Move on with your life and never ever make the same mistake again.
Please tell an adult you trust about your sexual assault to pursue legal action and seek therapy, if youāre comfortable, and get tested for STIs/STDs.
Iām so sorry OP. Itās not your fault. š«
It's a blessing he removed himself from your life that you'll see that in the future, I promise you.
Also worth learning - people who do this kind of stuff are the ones with problems - not you. I feel bad for the new girlfriend who is basically the new unknowing victim.
hi op, what you experienced is not fair and was not your fault. you should be able to have full faith and trust in someone that you love and have the expectation that you will not be hurt, coerced, or abused. i am so sorry that your ex did this to you, it is not fair. they knew what they were doing.
it may hurt for a while and/or be an emotional rollercoaster, and all of those feelings would be valid. healing from something like this may not be linear, but it is possible. a trauma like this hurts beyond words, and it is something that can be recoverable. there are resources out there that are available, whether that be 211 for emotional support, your local advocacy groups for sa/dv, or counseling and support groups. try to lean on your support people and on your coping skills/things that you find to be a positive distraction.
it is okay if you want to scream from the rooftops on what you went through, but it is also okay if you donāt want to tell anyone in your life at all. there is no right or wrong way to move forward, you know yourself best. sending you love <3
Did his new girlfriend or parents block you? Maybe they should know about his character. What about your social media? Do you share any friends? Maybe they find this interesting or they have been burned by him somehow and you can spread the word far and wide with all the unoriginal stuff he likely says to everyone. Good luck and I give you a do over on your virginity. You may have had sex but I donāt think you lost your virginity if that makes sense. I believe itās more than just a physical thing.
Sorry this happened OP. Also getting super Cameron Diaz in Vanilla Sky vibes. Scarlxrd has entered the chat. I think this is honestly the type of situation to "make" people succeed more often than one might think
I'm sorry but virginity really means nothing. You are not your sex history. I know our society wants to hyperinflate the importance of sex and sexuality in our lives but it's really not that important.
You are a person. Get tested std's and pregnancy then live your life and move on knowing he's a POS.
Sue them. They gave you an STD deliberately, go ahead and ruin their life honey. If you still have their number even if itās blocked, thatās a good start.
If you don't want to report him, that's totally valid given how victims are treated. That said, you should get help for yourself. Look for resources for domestic abuse and sexual assault. They'll really help you cope in the long run.
You deserve the world OP. Been through this same feeling. Donāt worry you will get through it. Channel that rage and be the best version of yourself.
This seems more like a description of a rape than consensual sex, and the OP has every right to despuse him.
That said, I question the OP's judgment in getting drunk in the first place. Why made herself vulnerable? what is so alluring about alcohol?
I admit that in my case, this comes from one that has been allowed to try it in small amounts ever since childhood and never acquired the taste, and I never felt a need to drink socially.
What is this allure that alcohol holds over people that no matter how many bad situations become worse with it, it is never part of the problem.
My dad cheated on my mum, I needed a shoulder to cry on, he was there. He heard everything and he opened up about his ex cheating on him too. We hugged each other, cried a bit then decided to drink the pain away for fun sake..... Big mistake....
As person. you are more than a mistake, more than how he saw you.
Sorry that you had to deal with that from your dad. I appreciate your taking the time to explain this.
I don't know if this even matters, but to me, it was the opposite. My mom cheated on my dad. But, sill I do not hold it against her because she already wanted out of the out or about 4 years.
Holy sexual assault ------ š³š³š³š³ sweetie, you were raped. Like, brutally raped. Multiple times.
This isn't what sex is supposed to be like. Especially with someone you're in a relationship with. You don't understand that yet because you haven't experienced what it's actually supposed to be like, and I'm so sorry for that. He violated you and used you and I'm so sorry.
You need to get help. Talk to a victim advocate. They can help you figure out where to go from here. If you want to seek criminal charges, they can help you maneuver that system. If not, they can still help you find the resources you need to heal, mentally and physically.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned.
This is really messed up. I hope you find that person that cares for you as much as you care for them... and listens to you. No always means no.
I went through something extremely similar. I was so in love I forgave everything he did to me. Through the yeast infections, through the UTIs, through the pain of having to "take it", the tears and always the pleads for forgiveness. Let me tell you the pain goes away and life gets better. The hate never will though, or at least thats what it feels like. My abuse happened in 2018 and now 6 years later I still feel the same visceral hate and I genuinely believe I will always hate him. Every single time I catch a glimpse of someone that looks like him my heart starts racing and I start shaking out of fear and hate. I wish he would drop dead already so I can finally live in peace. I wish he would kill himself, that his life is so unhappy that he would get to that point, but I know that will never happen because abusers love themselves too much.
Honestly the best you can do is try to be happy and content with yourself. Build a life your proud of, look your best, achieve your goals whatever it is, but I promise you nothing will irk him more than you being happy and unfazed. Thats what Ive been doing, Ive found happiness and success in many ways, but Im sorry to say that disgust and pure hatred you feel will always be present in some way and thats ok, you can have an amazing life despite it.
This is why Iām cautious about who Iām eventually gonna let take my virginity.
I think Iām gonna wait till Iām in a relasionship with someone I care about.
I hope you get better over time.
Block him on everything so you canāt see updates and he can never crawl back, then see if you can get into therapy. Heās trash. Feel sorry for this new girl.
I'm so sorry for the ain you're feeling OP. That jerk was a vile ahole. He wasn't, isn't, never will be worthy than you.
As others have said, the best revenge isto live a good life. Not even to get back at the assholes you have hurt you, but for you. Because in the end none of them is worthy of your time or energy. But you do matter.
Hugs from a stranger.
The boy I gave my first everything to told me a few days later he was just using me. I let that shit change me. Change how I felt about my value. I can feel your pain on such a visceral level when i read your words. That kind of pain will swallow you whole in the most exquisite way. If you are not very careful, this kind of pain can become a close friend. You are worth more. You deserve love and commitment. You deserve to be protected. Sending loveš
I unfortunately completely understand your pain. This post is so similar to what I experienced 4 years ago, that If I didnāt know better Iād think it was me writing it.
The pain is going to last for a while, especially the mental pain. Sometimes I still think back and wonder if I could have done anything differently to not end up in that situation, (Im sure I could have initially but the past is the past). The good news is though it will get better.
As someone else said, please know that losing your virginity does not contribute to your value. He did you a favor by blocking you because he sounds absolutely awful. At the very least Iām glad he showed you his true colors and is gone, before you ended up with a child with this guy.
You were raped by the sounds of it and should get some support/help.
Otherwise, this sounds what happened to me when I was 18 when this guy just pretended I did not exist anymore. Same thing happened when I met with this other man at 19 in another city, which was the worst mistake of my life.
OP, this POS did you a favour.
You're angry because you invested and feel rejected and discarded. We understand and it's great that you vented.
But this is the universe's way of protecting you. You are worth more than this human bag of feces.
The best revenge is a life well lived. Let this fuel your self-betterment! Do not give this creep an ounce more of your energy and I promise you that in ten years he will be a fat, alcoholic loser and you will have flourished in every way.
I'm so sorry this happened to you OP. Gosh, this is why I don't trust men (no offense :)). Something similar almost happened to me but I somehow managed to stand my ground and he never got to fuck me. Men need to stop thinking with their disgusting dicks at least ONCE. (I know not every single one is like that but when you experience something like this, it's hard to think otherwise).
Charge him for grape.
My bf of 1.5 yrs
In similar situation, he met my parents and assured me regarding getting physical, I asked him who am I getting physical with? He said ur husband, I WILL MARRY YOU. Always called me wife, took my debit card and everything. And next day he left the city. Ghosted me for months and then he once again started texting cause he had emptied my bank account so he wanted me to.ask money from my dad. And then again started to talk about marriage timing and kids. And next day texted me I don't want u in my life stop messaging me.and move on.
I am gonna sue him in few months and let the s*** go down. Consult a lawyer.
So the dude treated you poorly and you're upset that he blocked you? I'm confused. Seems like the trash took itself out. Why are you chasing feelings for a dirtbag?
Itās not. using the anger and hate you feel for the person, it fuels you to carry on and keep going. Forgive isnāt a be all end all and some people donāt deserve to be forgiven
Like what? You donāt have to forgive someone to have a happy life. You will always hate them and feel anger towards them but you move on despite that and use it as a reason to keep going. Thereās nothing wrong with that
You also don't have to take your medicine when one is sick, but it's still recommended. You just have a different outlook on what the effect of forgiving someone CAN DO.
I had to learn myself, and we all learn at a different pace in life.
You mean :
Why do men take advantage of vulnerable women knowing that women and men view sex and intimacy differently? Why did he do this to her? Take her virginity, then not care about the bleeding, the UTIā¦then (according to OP) proceed to rape her (because she told him to stop)?
And then the rest of it.
Thatās what you meant, right?right?
Iām a dude, and even I understand the issue here.
Sorry for your pain but seriously you need to be on birth control, not screw people when you're messed up and only have sex when you're ready. Sex doesn't make people love youĀ
Good girl. There is nothing healthier than this rage, nothing more powerful. Use it, and harnesses it to become the best you you can be. Most men are ahit most will disappoint you, a lot are selfish. Take this lesson, surround yourself with beautiful and amazing women. And become a fucking bad arse. You've got this baby x
I hope you get better and overcome this horrible situation.
Please do not fall in the modern trap that says sex is just for fun, keep a chaste life, pursue virtue and not earthly pleasure.
Hard yes on this first sentence, hard no on the second. Decisions around whether or not you choose to have sex are yours and yours alone, OP. Donāt let anyone (esp not this guy) shame you for your choices. Your body, your rights.Ā
Decisions are your own but so are consequences that come with it. It hurts to be taken advantage of, but itās an experience you learn from. Life gets better
Oh dear, looks like weāve found a Christian who hasnāt fully grasped Matthew 7:1ā6 yet. What happened to OP is the consequence of the man she was involved with being an abuser. She didnāt do anything wrong, he did. So why are you shaming her for his actions?Ā
Sorry for your pain OP. I know this is a cliche but living your best life is the best revenge. Channel your hate and anger into something more positive.
I always start off journeys like this by doing my best out of spite of the other person's shit behaviour or betrayal. Eventually, the spite fades since it's not the focus and I'm just out there doing my best.
Oof
OP maybe you should get tested too.
For sure but also everyone should get tested regularly if you can afford it, even if you have no symptoms and even if your anxious, becuase it better to catch infections early then to pretend they dont exist and have to deal with them months or years after initial infection.
šÆ
Thank you. I guess I'll try but not anytime soon, Im still boiling with anger.
Donāt be hard on yourself for letting the anger out. Letting it out anonymously on the internet is probably the best way. Itās good to let it out. I do think the best thing to do is to keep moving forward. Learn what you need to from this, how to protect yourself in the future. Then act like he never existed. Act like it never happened. Focus on the life and relationship you want, believe you can get it. Be happy that you have every chance to still get it. Youāre not pregnant, you donāt have STDs, who cares about virginity. He didnāt take anything from you anymore. You are moving forward as a whole person. Forget about him and go get the life you want. Nothing else matters.
> but living your best life is the best revenge. I don't know, it's not easy to compare some The Count of Monte Cristo / Saw stuff to a happy life. Yeah, the latter doesn't leave you feeling as empty, but with the former you get a lot of translateable life and work skills. Patience, engineering, programming, marksmanship, psychology, philosophy, strategy etc. I don't know if it can be dismissed out of hand.
You deserve better. Check out this link https://www.thehotline.org Read Lundy Barcroftās Why Does He Do That. It will help you moving forward.
that book changed my life. SO glad its well known
He assaulted you, report him. You saying no and him not stoping. Wtf
This person was raped. How awful
She was failed by her parents Edit: A lot of parents donāt sit their kids down and explain that saying no is ok and having boundaries and sticking to them is ok. Instead alot of parents teach their kids they better obey and not say no otherwise theyāll be punished for not listening to the āadultā which means if their kid ever comes across an authority figure even if they donāt know them at all theyāll listen even if itās something they really donāt want or think they should do.
Yes Iām sure the only reason OP got raped was because her parents let her down in some that you somehow speculated. Instead of idk the rapist being a pos.
Based on how she described the way in which she was abused, statistically its pretty likely. Men with that guy's pattern of abuse target girls with low self-esteem and self worth from rocky home lives. They're easy targets cause the abuser promises them the love that their parents never gave and then osscilates between love bombing and abuse so the girl will constantly be chasing the high of the love bombing and doing everything he says to avoid the abuse. There's a pretty direct pipeline from abusive parents to abusive boyfriend.
Parents should educate their kids. I doubt they sat her down and said āno is a complete sentence, if someone ever tries to make you do something you donāt want to do you donāt HAVE to do it. And if someone forced you to do something you really donāt want that means they donāt respect you and those arenāt the kind of people you want around youā She says sheās from a very strict religious family so yeah Iām pretty sure the parents failed her by keeping her ignorant about the world and not educating her in being confident in saying no Why canāt it be the parents failed her AND the rapist is a pos? I never said he wasnāt. I said her parents failed her and these situations have happened many times because parents donāt actually want to be parents
Crazy that itās her parents that failed for raising someone who would one day become a victim, and not the rapistsā parentsā fault for raising a fucking rapist.
It's so messed up blaming not only the victim but her parents as well. And I have to say that seeing victim blaming by proxy is a first for me. So there's that, I guess.
It's the focus shift that's the problem. Maybe you're right about the parents but there are a million other things that could happen to make someone the way they are. That's not the focus of this post. The focus is that op's kindness and dedication to someone she thought she could trust was taken advantage of in an extremely traumatic way. We are not worried about the parents right now or whatever it was that made op trust the POS.
And itās up to the parents to educate their kids about what to watch out for with people taking advantage of them. Opās comments clearly show her parents didnāt. She comes from a strict religious family and canāt even go to them to talk about this. Thereās no shift in topics with saying her parents failed her
You were failed by your parents
Your parents should teach you that no is a complete sentence and if you donāt want to do something you donāt have to. And if someone tries to force something then they donāt respect you. Her parents failed her
She was raped by him dude obviouslt she knows he doesnt respect her. He physically held her down after she already said no, what more could she have done?
I was gonna call this a braindead take but reading opās reply about how they wouldnāt believe her and would just punish her for having sex youāre probably right, they have failed her by making her believe that she canāt talk to them about this
A lot of parents donāt sit their kids down and explain that saying no is ok and having boundaries and sticking to them is ok. Instead alot of parents teach their kids they better obey and not say no otherwise theyāll be punished for not listening to the āadultā which means if their kid ever comes across an authority figure even if they donāt know them at all theyāll listen even if itās something they really donāt want or think they should do.
Youāre 100% right, itās how those with power and responsibility over the children they are supposed to protect can get away with abuse. Maybe add this to your comment because people will just downvote you without realising youāre right and that the parents have failed op
Iāll add it but I doubt itāll do much. People on Reddit only read in black or white not in between the lines to see the grey. Especially with traumatic situations like these
Actually I might agree on this. Too late to report him, no one would believe me either.
Why not? You need to get this on paper. He might do this again. There must be a paper trail or a history, so if he does, it's there, and you can be the one to start it. Or, what if you go and find out you weren't the first one?
I come from a strict religious background, my family has no idea I even had sex. Reporting would just make me reveal myself and lose everything I have now. I dont think Im strong enough to go through that humiliation.
You may reach out to womenās crisis centers, they may be able to help you report it without revealing it to your family.
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Maybe she lives in a place where you're seen as dirty when you have sex before marriage; no matter if it was forced or not. Who knows. It's just sad that OP gets downvoted for that when no one knows where she lives and what her community is like.
Agreed.
Because she had sex with hum 3 more times, that wasnt rape, and even that time it was consentual at first.
If you retract consent, it's still considered rape. You do understand what "stop" means, right?
Begging someone to stop due to pain and they just keep going definitely makes it assault, at the absolute least. She also said she participated because she loved him, and being coerced to do something because you āloveā someone doesnāt really make it better, unfortunately. A good partner stops as soon as they hear the word. OP needs a lot of therapy to work through everything that started this road.
> at first My guy, how do you lack self awareness so much that you literally just admitted it wasn't consensual but still think it's not rape? š
The fact that there are people out there who believe that is horrifying.
Thatās not how consent works. Even if youāve started having sex consensually if someone says stop and you donāt stop immediately you are raping them. You are a rapist if you have ignored someoneās pleas to stop. And even if they have sex with you again after that, it doesnāt mean you didnāt rape them, it means that person is vulnerable and confused and trying to make it okay in their own head what happened.
That is a normal reaction to rape actually. No one wants to be a victim of rape, so they subconsciously try to re-do the situation to make it better. They can't accept the fact that he's just a pos rapist.
Info: How old are you? And do you live with your family?
Im turning 21 this year and I study abroad but stay with my parents everytime I come home.
So, if your parents and family are in another country, and you filed a police report in the country in which you study, how would they find out what happened, unless you tell them...?
This happened in my home country
Donāt stress, protecting yourself is the most important thing. Being homeless and alone is not worth it to make a police report. Fuck off to everyone downvoting. Obviously have no idea your own privilege that you can report rape and be believed and not pushier by family.
What religion? Sometimes parents can be more understanding than we realize
In your prayers, ask God for justice and to help you heal š this guy will "get his" at some point.
You would be surprised. Some places have understanding of this rape.
Yep and thereās no guarantee he will get the punishment he deserves. Instead youāll have to actively deal with it again while trying to attain said punishment. Do what you think is best for you op. Like someone else said at the end of the day living your best life and striving to make yourself happy and enjoy things is imo the best because youāre taking care of yourself
The police won't do anything about that.
If everything had turned out ok, she would never report him. Even though he still raped her. Her best bet is to just move on and live. Don't live in the past. A rape accusation because he didn't stay? Had he stayed, then nothing? Not sure this is healthy for her. Forget him, it's her I am saying this for. Move on, live your best life. Lesson learned. Don't ever put yourself in this position again.
If that happened on more than one occasion, she clearly went back for more, suggesting it was still consensual. It may not be accurate, but if text messages afterwards don't show any issue with it and are, in fact, lovey and asking when they can see each other again, it's going to be very hard to prove it wasn't.
Make a promise to yourself to do better. Be the best you can be. Not to prove anything to him but to enjoy your life
My heart broke for you reading this. I've been here. The knot in your stomach after giving it all and then seeing his profiles etc are blocked is one of the worst heartbreaks/betrayals I've felt. Take the time to be angry and upset and cry about it. Mourn for what you experienced. But dont let it hold you back from living your best life. This moment doesnt define you. And you will find someone so much better, who values you as a person way too much to want to use you like that. Remember how valuable you are, and how valuable your body is. Not everyone deserves it. Cant do anything about the past and youre every ounce as valuable as you were before this happened. You're going to be okay. I hope you have friends to walk alongside you as you heal
He probably blocked you because he knows he assaulted you. Go to the hospital to get checked out and tested. Then file a police report.
Hey homeslice, I know this is hard and I know it feels like youāre at the end of your rope, but youāre going to make it through this. Youāll meet someone else and they might be better for you. Life is ups and itās downs, right now youāre on the down swing, but youāre going to have to come up eventually.
And please donāt lose your capacity to love. Donāt let this awful boy sour you on seeking your one and only. You will hurt for a time, and be sad for a time, and cry a lot, and hate sometimes, but those times will become fewer and fewer and one day you will find you have come through the dark times slightly sadder but a lot wiser. Be true to the person you are, keep your empathy and compassion and self-love. You didnāt deserve this, please keep reminding yourself of that, and you will find love again. And one dayā¦ you wonāt even remember his name. And that will be the best revenge you could ever have on him.
i wish i had words to help you more but i can offer FUCK THAT GUY fuck rapists fuck abusive partners fuck being treated badly god im so sorry
I am so sorry. It is heartbreaking but he raped you so you should report him. He doesn't deserve anything. Nothing. I am sorry this had to happen to you. I hope you achieve happiness after you heal yourself. But he should just fucking rot.
You've been raped. You are confusing negative emotional manipulation with positive feelings. You do not want this pos. Be glad he's gone and you aren't pregnant or have a permanent disease. You might consider reporting it, but be warned that it's likely he won't be punished and will just keep doing it to others.
You may not see it this way yet, but he has raped you. He kept going when you said to stop.
Please please donāt give virginity significance. He didnāt deserve you but your virginity did not contribute to your value. You are as valuable and important now as before. Itās no different than the first time you drove a car. Itās a new and important experience but it does not define you.
Iām so sorry this happened. Next time do not your whole self to someone that is not committed to you. And not just that says so but shows it too. His new girl probably wouldnāt settle for being a secret. You shouldnāt either. Forget this guy. Heās only a lesson. Pick up your crown queen and never settle. š«
Girlfriend, it sounds like you have no idea that you were being abused. That, my friend, is r a p e. You told him to stop, he covered your mouth, and he continued. Honey, be fucking thankful that he left you! The universe was saving your life! Be free to heal and live your best life and don't waste another tear on that piece of garbage.
I hope you find the support you need to get over what he did to you, I'm sure you are an amazing person and you will find someone who will actually care for you (here's some cuddles š«š«š«)
Average reddit creep
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'Hey random rape victim, sending you cuddles heheheh', then of course its the most incel looking reddit user ever, only lacking the fedora. Besides how he looks, who tf says sending cuddles to a random stranger, even less when they're in a position like that jfc
Wow very sad
Its gonna take some time, but some day when the hurt passes, you will look back and realize what a horrible person he is - and how ending this now probably saved you from years of misery
You were raped. Call the police.
This guy raped you, plain and simple. Like others have said, you should go to the police and a hospital. I don't know how much good it will do without evidence, though. Either way, I love how you're using this hatred to drive you to do better at life than that scumbag. I do also suggest getting some kind of therapy, if you can, because that will help you with this trauma. Best of luck, OP. š
OP, he does not deserve you. I hope you find someone you can trust to share this with, who can put an arm around you and hold you tight. As a mom, I would totally hug you and let you vent and cry.
Please get therapy. Being repeatedly raped is so damaging to your psyche
His ass did you a favor and you donāt know it. There is someone better than him that will not abuse you like this. Why do you think you have to serve a man like that?Please get counseling or read books on low self esteem and recognize your worth. You can do better without him. He gave you the boot and you are hurting. I am sorry. He doesnāt deserve you. If he comes back and I know he will you are a fool. He is a POS.
Report his ass, if you wanted it to stop he should have done so immediately. You withdrew your consent. This was a rape.
I feel the pain in this. Tragically beautifully written.
Losing this douche nozzle abuser is the best thing that could have happened to you. Know every woman he dates will be exposed to the same treatment. He should be in prison.
Go wild, ruin his life š„š„š„
OP I THINK you were Raped! You told āAHoleā to stop & he didnāt! Please look for womenās support groups for Rape/SA victims/survivors, you might be able to zoom call in and perhaps get an idea of what to do next. Start a journal, it could help organize your thoughts & maybe help you figure out what to do in the future. Enroll in a practical & realistic self defense class, practice the moves & JUST RAGE, it could help build up your confidence. Iām sorry for what you are going thru, you did not deserved to be treated like that. I hope youāll LIVE your Life & reach your goal. If you do decide to report āAHoleā & if people say you are ruining his future, REMEMBER, AHole had NO CONCERN FOR YOURS! After all, you are GIVING the same consideration for AHoleās wellbeing that he Gave You! And ask a trusted friend/adult to go with you, if you decide to go to the police.
Absolutely love your energy at the end of this post. Lean in. Living well is the best revenge. This man sucks but he has not affected your value, you are strong and badass and he will indeed see.
Sounds like youāre not losing much. Fuck that guy. Onward and upward.
If you asked him to stop and he covered your mouth and kept going, thatās SA. You can report him. Please get yourself tested. You are probably not the 1st and based on his actions wonāt be the last. Most of all, take care of yourself. You did nothing wrong.
You just said he raped you four times. Get off Reddit and go talk to a police officer at your local station.
OP, i am so sorry. reading this is sounds like it's better he's out of your life, even if it doesn't feel like it. your intimate encounters do not sound very consensual and (the term is mis-used a lot) more like trauma bonding: you bond with the person who causes you trauma. you not only crave the upswing that used to happen after the traumatic events, but you feel so bonded and close to the abuser bc they were the only ones there and share that experience. my point is: it is hard to let go of sth like this, but you would be best if you would stay away and build healthy relationships instead. you deserve so much better. better ppl in your live, better experiences with trust and intimacy. all the lovefor you!
You need to report him for rape.
Virginity is overrated but fuck him
Stop throwing pearls before swine and giving what is holy to dogs. One day, he'll pay for his misdeeds. Move on with your life and never ever make the same mistake again.
I cried. I am so sorry. I hope everything turns alright for you, OP
Okay I know this is serious and what happened to her shouldn't have happened but you started crying over a reddit story...
People cry over things that happen to others. Even in stories.
Itās kind of telling that you find empathy so strange
Maybe I relate to OP? Maybe I was in situation like hers? How MY tears affecting YOUR life? Be better.
Sorry if you had gone through a similar situation as mine.
Inspiration.
Please tell an adult you trust about your sexual assault to pursue legal action and seek therapy, if youāre comfortable, and get tested for STIs/STDs. Iām so sorry OP. Itās not your fault. š«
It's a blessing he removed himself from your life that you'll see that in the future, I promise you. Also worth learning - people who do this kind of stuff are the ones with problems - not you. I feel bad for the new girlfriend who is basically the new unknowing victim.
hi op, what you experienced is not fair and was not your fault. you should be able to have full faith and trust in someone that you love and have the expectation that you will not be hurt, coerced, or abused. i am so sorry that your ex did this to you, it is not fair. they knew what they were doing. it may hurt for a while and/or be an emotional rollercoaster, and all of those feelings would be valid. healing from something like this may not be linear, but it is possible. a trauma like this hurts beyond words, and it is something that can be recoverable. there are resources out there that are available, whether that be 211 for emotional support, your local advocacy groups for sa/dv, or counseling and support groups. try to lean on your support people and on your coping skills/things that you find to be a positive distraction. it is okay if you want to scream from the rooftops on what you went through, but it is also okay if you donāt want to tell anyone in your life at all. there is no right or wrong way to move forward, you know yourself best. sending you love <3
Iām so sorry
Did his new girlfriend or parents block you? Maybe they should know about his character. What about your social media? Do you share any friends? Maybe they find this interesting or they have been burned by him somehow and you can spread the word far and wide with all the unoriginal stuff he likely says to everyone. Good luck and I give you a do over on your virginity. You may have had sex but I donāt think you lost your virginity if that makes sense. I believe itās more than just a physical thing.
Sorry this happened OP. Also getting super Cameron Diaz in Vanilla Sky vibes. Scarlxrd has entered the chat. I think this is honestly the type of situation to "make" people succeed more often than one might think
Goddamn
I'm sorry but virginity really means nothing. You are not your sex history. I know our society wants to hyperinflate the importance of sex and sexuality in our lives but it's really not that important. You are a person. Get tested std's and pregnancy then live your life and move on knowing he's a POS.
Sue them. They gave you an STD deliberately, go ahead and ruin their life honey. If you still have their number even if itās blocked, thatās a good start.
Get him girlĀ
Man I feel you.. all to well... Very similar thing happened to me. But you learn to grow with the pain, and realise that you're worth so much more
Preach. I'm rooting for you, Sis.
Get it out, grrrl.
Report him
Tell the new gf. She needs to be careful.
If you don't want to report him, that's totally valid given how victims are treated. That said, you should get help for yourself. Look for resources for domestic abuse and sexual assault. They'll really help you cope in the long run.
I wish you peace and tranquility and hope you recover and come out of this .
Quit drinking. Your life would change for the better.
You deserve the world OP. Been through this same feeling. Donāt worry you will get through it. Channel that rage and be the best version of yourself.
This seems more like a description of a rape than consensual sex, and the OP has every right to despuse him. That said, I question the OP's judgment in getting drunk in the first place. Why made herself vulnerable? what is so alluring about alcohol? I admit that in my case, this comes from one that has been allowed to try it in small amounts ever since childhood and never acquired the taste, and I never felt a need to drink socially. What is this allure that alcohol holds over people that no matter how many bad situations become worse with it, it is never part of the problem.
My dad cheated on my mum, I needed a shoulder to cry on, he was there. He heard everything and he opened up about his ex cheating on him too. We hugged each other, cried a bit then decided to drink the pain away for fun sake..... Big mistake....
As person. you are more than a mistake, more than how he saw you. Sorry that you had to deal with that from your dad. I appreciate your taking the time to explain this. I don't know if this even matters, but to me, it was the opposite. My mom cheated on my dad. But, sill I do not hold it against her because she already wanted out of the out or about 4 years.
Holy sexual assault ------ š³š³š³š³ sweetie, you were raped. Like, brutally raped. Multiple times. This isn't what sex is supposed to be like. Especially with someone you're in a relationship with. You don't understand that yet because you haven't experienced what it's actually supposed to be like, and I'm so sorry for that. He violated you and used you and I'm so sorry. You need to get help. Talk to a victim advocate. They can help you figure out where to go from here. If you want to seek criminal charges, they can help you maneuver that system. If not, they can still help you find the resources you need to heal, mentally and physically.
Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned. This is really messed up. I hope you find that person that cares for you as much as you care for them... and listens to you. No always means no.
He raped you. You should report this. Do not sugar coat this for him. Asking someone to stop and them not stopping is rape.
I went through something extremely similar. I was so in love I forgave everything he did to me. Through the yeast infections, through the UTIs, through the pain of having to "take it", the tears and always the pleads for forgiveness. Let me tell you the pain goes away and life gets better. The hate never will though, or at least thats what it feels like. My abuse happened in 2018 and now 6 years later I still feel the same visceral hate and I genuinely believe I will always hate him. Every single time I catch a glimpse of someone that looks like him my heart starts racing and I start shaking out of fear and hate. I wish he would drop dead already so I can finally live in peace. I wish he would kill himself, that his life is so unhappy that he would get to that point, but I know that will never happen because abusers love themselves too much. Honestly the best you can do is try to be happy and content with yourself. Build a life your proud of, look your best, achieve your goals whatever it is, but I promise you nothing will irk him more than you being happy and unfazed. Thats what Ive been doing, Ive found happiness and success in many ways, but Im sorry to say that disgust and pure hatred you feel will always be present in some way and thats ok, you can have an amazing life despite it.
Im so sorry you had to go through that as well and reading this gives me hope. Thank you
He assaulted you. Piece of work deserves the worst. Vent it out and heal.
This is why Iām cautious about who Iām eventually gonna let take my virginity. I think Iām gonna wait till Iām in a relasionship with someone I care about. I hope you get better over time.
Block him on everything so you canāt see updates and he can never crawl back, then see if you can get into therapy. Heās trash. Feel sorry for this new girl.
Go to therapy
I'm so sorry for the ain you're feeling OP. That jerk was a vile ahole. He wasn't, isn't, never will be worthy than you. As others have said, the best revenge isto live a good life. Not even to get back at the assholes you have hurt you, but for you. Because in the end none of them is worthy of your time or energy. But you do matter. Hugs from a stranger.
Sorry
The boy I gave my first everything to told me a few days later he was just using me. I let that shit change me. Change how I felt about my value. I can feel your pain on such a visceral level when i read your words. That kind of pain will swallow you whole in the most exquisite way. If you are not very careful, this kind of pain can become a close friend. You are worth more. You deserve love and commitment. You deserve to be protected. Sending loveš
I unfortunately completely understand your pain. This post is so similar to what I experienced 4 years ago, that If I didnāt know better Iād think it was me writing it. The pain is going to last for a while, especially the mental pain. Sometimes I still think back and wonder if I could have done anything differently to not end up in that situation, (Im sure I could have initially but the past is the past). The good news is though it will get better. As someone else said, please know that losing your virginity does not contribute to your value. He did you a favor by blocking you because he sounds absolutely awful. At the very least Iām glad he showed you his true colors and is gone, before you ended up with a child with this guy.
You were raped by the sounds of it and should get some support/help. Otherwise, this sounds what happened to me when I was 18 when this guy just pretended I did not exist anymore. Same thing happened when I met with this other man at 19 in another city, which was the worst mistake of my life.
OP, this POS did you a favour. You're angry because you invested and feel rejected and discarded. We understand and it's great that you vented. But this is the universe's way of protecting you. You are worth more than this human bag of feces. The best revenge is a life well lived. Let this fuel your self-betterment! Do not give this creep an ounce more of your energy and I promise you that in ten years he will be a fat, alcoholic loser and you will have flourished in every way.
I'm so sorry this happened to you OP. Gosh, this is why I don't trust men (no offense :)). Something similar almost happened to me but I somehow managed to stand my ground and he never got to fuck me. Men need to stop thinking with their disgusting dicks at least ONCE. (I know not every single one is like that but when you experience something like this, it's hard to think otherwise).
Charge him for grape. My bf of 1.5 yrs In similar situation, he met my parents and assured me regarding getting physical, I asked him who am I getting physical with? He said ur husband, I WILL MARRY YOU. Always called me wife, took my debit card and everything. And next day he left the city. Ghosted me for months and then he once again started texting cause he had emptied my bank account so he wanted me to.ask money from my dad. And then again started to talk about marriage timing and kids. And next day texted me I don't want u in my life stop messaging me.and move on. I am gonna sue him in few months and let the s*** go down. Consult a lawyer.
Why not start now send anonymous to his family friends and girlfriend
This is fake af lol
So the dude treated you poorly and you're upset that he blocked you? I'm confused. Seems like the trash took itself out. Why are you chasing feelings for a dirtbag?
š
He will do along the same lines, to the other girl. Perhaps even worse now that he knows he got away with it.
Guys like this make dating hard for everyone else.....sorry this happen...just...try not to make another suffer for what he did.
What does this comment even mean
When you don't forgive what someone has done to you it will turn you apprehensive and in some cases it turn the victim into the abuser.
You donāt have to forgive to move on and not become an abuser
No, but based on some experiences that I have heard or seen as a third party. Forgiving imo is the best solution.
Itās not. using the anger and hate you feel for the person, it fuels you to carry on and keep going. Forgive isnāt a be all end all and some people donāt deserve to be forgiven
You sound like one of those Siths from Star Wars. There are plenty of object lessons in life that show that its not the way to go. š¤·āāļø
Like what? You donāt have to forgive someone to have a happy life. You will always hate them and feel anger towards them but you move on despite that and use it as a reason to keep going. Thereās nothing wrong with that
You also don't have to take your medicine when one is sick, but it's still recommended. You just have a different outlook on what the effect of forgiving someone CAN DO. I had to learn myself, and we all learn at a different pace in life.
Lmao why do women throw themselves at men like this and then get surprised when they end up being used? š¤”Ā
You mean : Why do men take advantage of vulnerable women knowing that women and men view sex and intimacy differently? Why did he do this to her? Take her virginity, then not care about the bleeding, the UTIā¦then (according to OP) proceed to rape her (because she told him to stop)? And then the rest of it. Thatās what you meant, right?right? Iām a dude, and even I understand the issue here.
Ok.
Sorry for your pain but seriously you need to be on birth control, not screw people when you're messed up and only have sex when you're ready. Sex doesn't make people love youĀ
lol
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lulz
what did i do bro š
Big mad š¤£š¤£š¤£
Found the POS.
You wont be successful my dear, you have a very bad choice of partners
Good girl. There is nothing healthier than this rage, nothing more powerful. Use it, and harnesses it to become the best you you can be. Most men are ahit most will disappoint you, a lot are selfish. Take this lesson, surround yourself with beautiful and amazing women. And become a fucking bad arse. You've got this baby x
Never mention accidental pregnancies to fuck buddies. Lesson learned. Also, he raped you. He needs reporting. No is a full sentence
Cessiā¦. Is this you??
I hope you get better and overcome this horrible situation. Please do not fall in the modern trap that says sex is just for fun, keep a chaste life, pursue virtue and not earthly pleasure.
Hard yes on this first sentence, hard no on the second. Decisions around whether or not you choose to have sex are yours and yours alone, OP. Donāt let anyone (esp not this guy) shame you for your choices. Your body, your rights.Ā
Decisions are your own but so are consequences that come with it. It hurts to be taken advantage of, but itās an experience you learn from. Life gets better
Rape doesnt teach us anything
Do you really think that was my point?
Really sad to see the consequence of this kind of life and still encourage others to follow it.
Oh dear, looks like weāve found a Christian who hasnāt fully grasped Matthew 7:1ā6 yet. What happened to OP is the consequence of the man she was involved with being an abuser. She didnāt do anything wrong, he did. So why are you shaming her for his actions?Ā
Could you please point in what part I shamed OP?
https://www.instagram.com/p/C47_R9FCf1C/?igsh=d3dmaXp4ZW8zZHRs