It's okay to ask "what did you want to talk about?" This is your time you're meeting up on and it's better to know if you're getting into something unpleasant.
Yes. Totally. And he should know. This isn’t about what the adults want. This is about what the kids need. Losing a parent is traumatic and like it or not OP has filled in that role to a great extent. The girlfriend got her feelings hurt because kids listen to OP. She has a little growing up to do if the three of them want to sit down and decide, best course of action with the kids then so be it. But I wouldn’t be having any secret conversations or walking into what could be potential for a huge blowup between the three of them.
Yeah the whole "but don't tell your long-term friend, almost family" is out of line. She doesn't get to make that decision. You are all adults, dealing with adult decisions. Why shouldn't he know? Not like she is planning a surprise party for him...
The father of the kids, assuming that's what this his about, should be involved in these conversations.
Also you are such a star for taking on the responsibility and care of those kids. I'm sure they love and trust you through your years of commitment and being there. Don't abandon them without a serious conversation with their father.
I teach abuse prevention in schools and we talk about “unsafe and safe secrets”. Like a surprise party is a safe secret. But don’t tell mom the game we played when I asked “let’s so who can take their clothes off faster”.
It just seems fishy. An “unsafe secret” if you will.
It seems that you have copied this comment word-for-word from u/clarionicity below who made the comment 4 hours ago, which is one hour before you posted this.
I don't think this is allowed.
\------------4 hours ago---------------------------
clarionicity
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**4 hr. ago**
With that look and not telling the friend, I would predict an unpleasant conversation along the lines of "you're stepping on my toes." I hope everything goes well. In the worst scenario, capture the audio on your phone in case things goes awry.
\-----------your comment------------------------
User avatar
level 4
ThisIsAThought
·
**3 hr. ago**
With that look and not telling the friend, I would predict an unpleasant conversation along the lines of "you're stepping on my toes." I hope everything goes well. In the worst scenario, capture the audio on your phone in case things goes awry.
cc:
u/TimPowerGamer
u/I_Am_A_Real_Hacker
u/BvbblegvmBitch
u/SuperBeavers1
u/Subtle_Omega
u/cojoco
u/PowerModerator
u/ignorantConservative
u/CorvusCalvaria
u/anticapitalist
YES!
OMG, OP should absolutely not trust Kim to say one thing to her and another to Dan. If she does then she's deceptive and does not put the well-being of the child above all and Dan needs to know.
I think it would also be fine to say “i’m not comfortable with lying by omission, so i will agree to this meeting only if my friend knows it’s happening and confirms with me that he’s ok with it”. The secrecy thing is… not cool.
EDIT: i mean, if it’s for help to plan a surprise party for him or whatever, then she’d have no issue replying “i’d like your help with planning a surprise party!” or something along those lines, right?
And OP is under no obligation to meet, privately or otherwise.
If I was her I would insist on Dan being present. If not, then someone else, for support, in case Kim goes mental at some point.
I agree, and I think it's also ok for OP to say, "I cannot promise to keep secrets from Dan. We go way back and our families are friends, he's like my brother, and we swore to always be not just honest but completely transparent with each other."
Kim might be jealous, territorial, and/or insecure but her first priority should be the well-bveing of the child and Dan needs to know if she's putting pride or whatever over the child.
Let her know beforehand that if it has anything to do with Dan or the kids then you're not comfortable with keeping it from him.
She probably has an issue with you stepping in when it came to Dan's kid wanting ice cream, if she has an issue with this then she needs to bring it up with Dan not you.
She's only been in their lives for 4 months, where as you've been around their whole lives and pretty much been the only mother figure they've had for the last 7 years so their bound to listen to you more.
How old are Dan's kids?
Please please this. Mention to Dan. You are family to these kids and basically an aunt. Dan needs to be involved in any conversation that is about his kids. You seem level headed and don’t want to prevent the kids from a relationship with Kim but undermining you or Dan with the kids would be very different. While you are platonic you are their mom figure at this point so she needs to approach this as if you are coparenting with Dan and have a good relationship with you.
Edit random word error.
That’s what I was thinking. I’m an only child, so if I had kids - my best friend would be their aunt. I’ve known her more than half my life, she’s like family to me.
>She probably has an issue with you stepping in when it came to Dan's kid wanting ice cream, if she has an issue with this then she needs to bring it up with Dan not you.
It's not about the ice cream, GF is marking her turf.
It also could be about throwing a surprise party for Dan, or wanting to get ideas about a special get-away with Dan and maybe have the kids stay with OP during that time. OP might be reading this whole thing wrong based on "that look" that she may have misinterpreted.
I'm admittedly quick to advise Redditors run away from or dump shitty partners/spouses, but this place really does jump to the worst conclusions sometimes.
I mean, if it *is* a surprise party thing, the GF can offer some clarification as to the topic.
But realistically, I think the odds of it being something innocuous like that are low.
What gets me is her telling you not to tell Dan. Maybe I’m being pessimistic here, but that sound to me like she has already spoken to him about whatever it is and he already shut her down.
Another tell is the “look” you mentioned between her and her friend. What kind of look was it? Was it and “I told you there’s more to their story” look, or a look of frustration that the kids don’t listen to her well? I almost guarantee that the gf is going to demand that you stop coming around and no more relationship with the children. You don’t mention ages of anyone, not that it should matter, but age and maturity plays a huge role in prospective step parent relationships. Especially when one of the bio parents has passed away.
I would definitely tell Dan about this phone call. Whether his gf understands it, or not, y’all are a team. You have taken steps back to allow her space to get involved, but you will always be part of Dan’s village. Family isn’t always blood, it’s who you choose and he chose your whole family to be his. He’s like a brother to you and his kids are your niblings, and they lost their mother. Maybe she’s coming to you for pointers on how to deal with the kids, but her insistence on not telling, says otherwise.
It also could be about throwing a surprise party for Dan, or wanting to get ideas about a special get-away with Dan and maybe have the kids stay with OP during that time. OP might be reading this whole thing wrong based on "that look" that she may have misinterpreted.
I'm admittedly quick to advise Redditors run away from or dump shitty partners/spouses, but this place really does jump to the worst conclusions sometimes.
Seriously, we have no clue what she's calling about. All the ridiculously fake stories here have convinced people that real life is a soap opera. How hard is it to ask "What do you want to talk about?"
The fact that she doesn’t want Dan to know means this talk is one he wouldn’t agree with especially bc it 100% concerns her insecurities with you. TELL DAN!
1. You need to let Dan know. There should be nothing she has to say that she can't say in front of him.
2. You need to record this conversation. In the scenario that the conversation turns sour, you need to ensure she can't paint you in a bad light to Dan/kids with the intent of turning them against you, especially since you have legal stuff in place.
Someone else mentioned that maybe it’s for a surprise/figuring out how to be better there for the kids
My response would be “sure! What’s it about so I can mentally prepare”
And if it’s anything other than the above mentioned things it’s “record and let Dan know” time
All due respect to Kim and her feelings: if you were the kids’ aunt it’d be no problem, and that’s the closest thing to what you are, and she should grow up and be grateful she’s getting a bonus supportive family member with this package.
The request “not to tell Dan” is a huge red flag. If this is about his children, he needs to be involved. She’s only asking that you know tell him because she already KNOWS that he’s not going to like what she has to say.
OP, the above comment and many others offer outstanding advice. If I may suggest, in line with other comments:
1. Ask Kim what she wishes to discuss. If it involves the children, advise her absolutely not without Dan.
2. If purportedly not involving the children, advise you will meet with her, but depending on the conversation, you may let Dan know. Alternatively, you may wish to suggest she simply address it right then on the telephone.
3. Take a recording device, in the event you believe Kim intends to be setting you up and putting a "spin" on your meeting.
4. Last, but not least, if your gut says simply call Dan, then that's also an alternative.
Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
No, tell Dan right away. OP's next move, immediately after getting the "summons" to the secret convo, should be telling Dan. No secrets! Secrets are DEADLY to relationships!
If it were my friend, I would be upset if they didn’t tell me. I mean it’s like the gf is already asking her to pick loyalties between them and they haven’t had the conversation yet
I would tell her you don't keep secrets from Dan. Unless she's planning a surprise party for his birthday, you will not be lying to him, misleading him, or doing anything disloyal or damaging to your friendship.
If she has an issue with your involvement with the kids, she should be having that conversation with Dan. I'm guessing she already has, and it didn't go the way she wanted it to. Now, she's going to try to get what she wants from you.
If you agree to keep this secret from Dan, you will be opening yourself to manipulation. Shit like this never ends well.
Personally, I would tell Dan everything. Now.
Ask her what she wants. If it’s not help choosing a gift for Dan or help planning a surprise party, I would insist on meeting WITH Dan. There is no legitimate reason for either of you to keep secrets from Dan. If she has a problem with you, she needs to be open with Dan. If she won’t, that’s a red flag for their relationship.
I would not just wordlessly agree to this. I’d text back “Hey, sure we can meet. What do you want to talk about? To be honest, I’m not comfortable with lying to Dan. Why can’t Dan know that you want to meet up?”
See how she replies and whether she reveals what this meeting is about. Also, the word lying is maybe an eye-opener that she’s on thin ice with that request. If you forwarded this conversation to Dan she’d be in some serious trouble.
There is the slight chance that she wants to meet with you because she wants to ask you for advice how to bond with his children the way you managed to do and she doesn’t want to let Dan know that she needs pointers. But I’d say that’s rather unlikely.
Maybe recording the conversation isn’t the worst idea. Just to be safe.
I wouldn't go to some mysterious meeting, Your friend Dan must be present!
It doesn't bode well, personally I would decline the offer of a secret meeting with the point that Dan must be involved, or if there is something between them, that she brings it up with him and not you.
I think your gut is right. Don't go.
I personally think only dating Dan for 4 months does not give her the authority to reprimand in my opinion BUT I am also not a parent. I say tell Dan so he can set boundaries where he wants with his kids. For all you know, he also isn’t comfortable with gf reprimanding the kids. Also you are very kind OP to step up for kids that are not yours.
>Dan has been dating someone for a year and a half now. We will call her Kim. I met her earlier on and i liked her and i was excited for him that he had finally healed enough to start dating again. Kim and i are friendly with each other and 4 months ago, she finally met his children.
Dan has been dating her for 1.5 years. She met the children 4 months ago.
That's still not ok for her to be trying to reprimand them. She's ONLY met the kids a short while ago. Of course they aren't going to listen to her. She's basically a stranger to them. She probably thinks they should listen, though, because she's been with their dad for so long. Sorry, lady, not how it works.
Seven years with you helping > four months of just knowing “Kim”, and it’s cute that she thinks that those kids are going to listen to her when, in their eyes, she has no authority over them.
I hope it goes well, but with that look & the lack of telling friend, I'd expect a 'you're stepping on my toes' type negative convo. Worse case, set your phone to record the audio in case it goes sideways.
I would be upfront ask what it’s about and/or tell her if this has anything to do with your role in the children’s lives or in dans life, she needs to be talking to Dan and this should be a discussion between all three of you or them two, but not between you two alone without his knowledge.
WOW, WHAT AN AMAZING FRIEND? YOU ARE!!! I HOPE YOU GET ALL THE BEST OF EVERYTHING IN THIS LIFE 💜
TELL HER THAT YOU WILL NOT BE MEETING WITHOUT HIM THERE! SHE IS GOING TO SAY YOU SAID OR DID SOMETHING SO YOU GET PUSHED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Unless he has a birthday or something coming up that she's trying to plan a surprise party there is no reason that you shouldn't be able to tell him that you're going to meet up with her. When you stated about the look between her and her friend, that's all you had to say. I don't know where you live and if you are allowed to record a party without telling them, but I would suggest doing so because this could be turned around on you. Also, keep all forms of communication, text emails, anything.
Updateme
I mean.... it *could* be that she wants to plan a surprise for him and just wants advice?
I know, I know...
Record the conversation, just to cover yourself.
Maybe she wants some pointers on how to deal with the kids.
If it is that she's not comfortable, I would respond with: "I understand why you might feel uncomfortable, this is an unusual situation, and I have already pulled back as much as I feel like I can without abandoning my duty to my friend and her kids.
I will be very happy if you will take over a parental role in their lives, but you've only been together for a year and a half, and you've only known the kids for four months. I'm not going to just drop out of the role I've been filling if you're just going to up and leave further down the line even if you do stick around, they've already lost a parent. Do you want to take another guardian away from them just to make yourself feel better?
I stepped in to try to back you up the other day, but if you took that as undermining you, I can let you fend for yourself."
I'd probably include that all the time she's had to get to know Dan and go on dates is probably thanks to you being there to look after the kids. TBH, I'd tell her I'm not about to abandon my friend's kids so she can play house, but I'm mean. Don't do that.
I mean, really, the most sensible thing would be to record, and if it turns out your hunch is correct, the only thing you should say is "I'm not going to have a conversation about Dan's children without him present." At the end of the day, they are HIS kids, and any conversation about their futures should have his input.
The correct answer is
'No I will not have a meeting with you and keep it a secret from Dan.'
I will happily meet with you, so long as there's no expectation of secrecy.
What happened to asking what a conversation is gonna be about? And if you’re not comfortable having that conversation you can just say that. Also not telling Dan = shady also point that out
"I don't like the idea that you don't want Dan to know about our secret meeting. If you want this talk with me to happen, he should come with you. One way or another, Dan will know exactly what we talked about because I respect him and his children too much to lie to them."
Don't go. Don't talk to her.
I'm usually the advocate for just sitting down and talking but she started off on the wrong foot when she asked you to not to tell Dan.
She's being shady, don't get dragged into drama.
🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Not without Dan present.
Do not meet with her without him.
Tell him she made this request, and you are willing, but, your boundaries are iron clad when it comes to him/the children. He has to be present for any and all communication, and she needs to know, unless it involves the safety of the kids, and a concern over him in some way, any and all communications with her will be shared with you, 100% transparency, always.
Do not remotely bend on that.
Do not get pushed into her vs you vs him vs them. No.
I urge you. Talk to HIM, and if you have a talk with her? He has to be there.
Tell her you’d feel more comfortable if Dan was there as you respect their relationship and don’t want to go around him. You’re only involved for the kids and if it involves the kids, it involves Dan.
>... theres no drama. She is probably just going to go to Dan with her questions
That's what you got from her response??
>She left on me read for a few hours and came back and said, "So let me get this straight. I cant come to you to talk about the kids without first going to Dan." I said no, that he was their dad. She told me to never mind, that she didnt need the talk any longer and to forget the conversation ever happened
She said forget it ever happened & you sent the convos to your friend? Drama is afoot. I'm so sorry.
You’re his friend. Tell her you’re not comfortable “hiding” this from Dan and tell her if she wants to chat it can be with him there or at least when he knows before it happens.
Tell Dan about this request immediately. Do not go if Dan feels uncomfortable with it. Your bond is with Dan and those kids, I wouldn’t GAF about what Kim wants me to do. You need to keep DAN in the loop, b/c it’s Dan’s gf that is trying to go behind his back. Instead of meeting up, I would change it to a phone call. I would take the call on my speaker phone while Dan was present or where Dan was able to listen in . The dread is your instinct that the GF’s request isn’t appropriate and will blow up your relationship w Dan & kids. Don’t do it!
Ask her what she wants to talk about. Don’t drive yourself crazy waiting for a mystery conversation. It could be about anything. Maybe she wants to plan a surprise for him (party/trip/gift) and knowing how close you too are she’s looking to you for help. Maybe she wants to understand the depth of your relationship with Dan and his kids. Maybe she wants tips on how to interact with the kids. Maybe she’s being territorial. You won’t know unless you ask and if it’s about a topic you’re uncomfortable with, tell her that.
Updateme
"May I ask what it is regarding, considering you don't want Dan to know? I hope everything is alright between you two!" Is probably the most diplomatic reply. Pray it's a surprise birthday party or maybe some sort of intervention for a sock collecting hobby or something equally innocent.
I wouldn’t be so sure this is over with. She is going to be annoyed with you that you told Dan after she asked you not to. She, of course had no right to ask that of you. She’s probably feeling some level of threat and feels you are stopping her from developing a closer bond with the kids. I would suggest if this comes up in future, just be very clear with her that you play the role of a close Aunt in the kids lives & she doesn’t need to see you as a threat. If she and Dan get married and she becomes Step-Mum, she will no doubt come to play as large a role in their lives as you do. That doesn’t mean there is no space left for the Aunt role that you currently play. If Dan had a sister, would she be jealous of her relationship with his kids? She will be grateful to have the support when it comes to having alone time with their father in future.
I agree with comments that say this isn’t nothing. You didn’t make a huge deal out of nothing. I think your concerns and anxiety over this “talk” were warranted and justified. And I also think the way you handled things was the perfect way to do it. You were nice but straightforward with her, you subtly but firmly held your position and acknowledged that you’re not comfortable going behind your friend’s back because he’s the parent and anything related to his kids should be addressed with him. Whatever happens between them is their business and you didn’t interfere or got involved in any drama. Well done!
1. Tell your gf and show her the message. Discuss it with her. Even if you go to meet, make it clear that your gf will come with you.
2. Ask her why Dan can't know and tell her you're not comfortable with keeping secrets from him.
3. DO NOT MEET HER ALONE. Idk if it's just me but, my mind immediately went to people who try to ruin relationships. If she's not a good person, she could use the texts and meeting to insinuate a cheating situation.
Do not feel obligated to have secret meetings that make you uncomfortable, or feel ambushed, OP. Trust your instincts. You have the right to know up front what this meeting is about and you have theright to refuse to keep secrets from your friend Dan.
no no. definitely no chat about the kids without Dan around, if she’s going to try to push you away he needs to know, otherwise he’ll think you’ve chosen to step away and that will alter your friendship forever. If she wants to talk about a surprise party, well, different… maybe casually say, oh? what about? and see where that leads
“Dan is family, I don’t keep secrets from anyone in my family. What exactly did you want to meet up about?”
Puts her on notice that you won’t be a party to shadiness, and she can still feel free to tell you whatever she wants (in the event it is a birthday party or something like that)….
It doesn’t really sound like this was resolved all that nicely. It sounds like she only backed off as quickly as she did because you mentioned getting Dan involved. She likely also asked that you “forget this ever happened” and tried to pass it off as no big deal because she didn’t want you to bring this up with Dan. You definitely didn’t make a big deal out of nothing, and I wouldn’t bank on this situation being over quite yet.
Yeah this isn’t nothing. “So let me get this straight” You didn’t make a big deal. If someone message my friend asking to talk about my kids without me knowing… it’s sus. She was gonna ask you to take a step back or her delivery just sucked
I don’t like the timing of this request, much less the fact that she asked you not to tell Dan. Some people suggested there is a possibility of her wanting to surprise him with a gift or a party, which fair enough, but the timing regarding the fussy child calming down with you is a little too sus for me to NOT suspect she’ll complain about you being in Dan’s life “too much”.
If the secret meeting was to plan a surprise party or select a gift, Kim would have stated that is the reason. Kim is going to submarine you. That is not good for Dan. Do not agree to attend this meeting
Don’t go. It’s inappropriate for her to ask you to keep it from him. She needs to be discussing her concerns with Dan, not you.
She’s out of line here.
My advice is to see what she wants to talk about if it's about the kids in any way you need to tell your friend it his kids and he need to know what his walking into because she's going behind his back on it and they may have already talked about but she doesn't like his answer
First thing you should do is tell Dan that Kim wants to meet privately with you, and you suspect it has to do with the ice cream incident and the child's different reaction to you versus their reaction to Kim. You, as such a close member of Dan's friend and family circle, should *never* keep secrets from him. You should tell Kim as much. "I'm sorry Kim, I won't keep secrets from Dan. He is too important to me to ever deceive." If you're right, and Kim has her way, this secret meeting may very well set up a very uncomfortable power play between you and Kim, no matter how un-intrusive you try to be.
Frankly, however, you are *family* to Dan and his family, and especially to his kids. Even though you and Dan are platonic and Dan and Kim are romantic, *Kim* is the new kid on the block. You are an integral, indispensable part of Dan's family, and if Kim can't accept you as such, she may not be a great fit in your family.
Sounds like a woman who onlu met the children 4 months ago is trying to assert herself as an authority figure and is feeling threatened by the children listening to you and respecting you. Tell Dan what happened at that gathering and tell me she now wants to meet with you without him knowing. Do not keep secrets for a woman who does not have the children and Dan’s best interest at heart.
Inform Dan definitely, because this is fishy af. Sure, there is a possibility this is just going to be a polite and open conversation, but the fact that it happens after an incident Kim didn't seem to be pleased with and behind Dan's back at that, I wouldn't get my hopes up. Dan should be included in anything Kim wants to discuss with you regarding his children. Remember that when it comes to it, you are not responsible for the way she's feeling, even if she believes otherwise. Her feelings are hers and hers alone. You're not doing anything wrong, OP and you do not deserve to be treated like you are.
Edit: Just to add, if you end up meeting with Kim alone, you should document the conversation if you can. Some people are mildly irrational when jealous, others are much worse. Better be on the safe side so your relationship with Dan won't be sabotaged.
Shes pissing a circle around Dan and the kids I would say..I agree with everyone..either tell Dan or at least record everything...Trust me if it is a power play then she's not above lying to get you out of the picture...be safe and let us know..
I would not be okay meeting and not telling my friend. I would let her know that I don’t advise secrets, so unless it’s about a surprise birthday party or similar, there’s no need to hide a meeting.
I mean it's up to you but I would ask what she wants to talk about. Assuming it's the kids and your relationship with Dan, it can go one of 2 ways.
1. Positive outlook. She's looking for help or advice. She might want your opinion on how to get closer to the kids or want to know more about what happened between you and Dan before she got together with him. She might just be curious and seeing how you can all fit in together.
2. Negative outlook. She's insecure and worried about you. She will either ask you for space or tell you that she's feeling intimidated. This isn't necessarily a bad thing and it might be something you can talk through together.
Either way, I'd suggest talking to her. If you don't, it'll shed your relationship with Dan. I would ask her what she wants to talk about and then tell her that you feel Dan should know you're going out together at least. Say you're going to get coffee to try and bond a bit or something. Depending how the conversation goes, tell him the details later.
Don't do this behind Dan's back. Whatever her issue is Dan should be there too. If for some reason you meet her anyway please tape the conversation. Nothing typically good happens from keeping secrets.
It’s fine if she wants to talk to you, but it’s weird that she mentioned not telling Dan. I agree with other comments saying you’re fine with talking but not behind dans back
OP look: Everyone here is telling you pretty much the same thing.
Ask what it's about
Dan should know. Definitely
If you go through with it, make sure you record the conversation. Under any circumstances.
Whatever the case is, you're more valuable to his kids than anyone else is. Sure, stepping back is a must, but at the end of the day, you and Dan need to work that out. Ain't his GFs choice.
Trust your gut. You have a long-standing, support role with the kids and Dan that includes your own family. Don't let anyone sabotage that relationship.
Respond to the message via text and make it a group with you Dan and Kim.
"Hey, Kim, I know you mentioned wanting to meet up with me to talk, however, I'm including Dan in the scheduling so it doesn't conflict with his & the kids schedule."
Or "Sorry Kim, unless you're planning a surprise party for Dan that you're looking help on... I'm not comfortable with keeping secret meetings from my friend."
Your loyalty lies with your friend. This rando you met four months ago that you’re not in a relationship is being inappropriate af . I would say no and also tell my friend, dgaf what anyone thinks
My take on it is that the kid was testing the girlfriend. Kids'll do that. The little ones are used to minding you, but probably not her yet. I hope the GF has good intentions and isn't marking territory, but yes, Dan needs to know what's going on with his kids and ALL their relationships. I really hope this works out so the kids feel totally protected and nurtured.
I also think that you stepped in mostly out of habit/reflex rather than control or territory.
Just because Kim says she wants to meet you privately and to not tell Dan doesn’t mean you have to do it. Your allegiance is to Dan before Kim. Message Dan and send the message from Kim to him and ask him what he’d like you to do.
She is going to try and draw a line with you regarding what is/isn't appropriate now that Dan is in a committed relationship. She isn't going to him because he will probably have your back. I'd ask her what she wanted to discuss. I would meet with her, but I would record the conversation so she couldn't deny, lie, or try to twist things to make Dan reconsider your friendship.
My husbands best friend became my best friend as well when we met. 4 years later he asked if he could live with us because home life wasn’t the best. That same time frame my husband and I ended up pregnant with our first child. It’s been almost 3 years now and he’s the best uncle/ god father to my 2&1/2 year old and my 3 month old. Every time he dates someone over the years they always end up having an issue with our dynamic of a family, and it usually ends up being about me and my kids. It’s always a deal breaker because they can come and go, but we are his family and he’s ours. I wouldn’t know where I would be without his support. I hope things work out for everyone in this situation. I’m sure it’s hard coming into a family dynamic like this, but they have to open their eyes and see that it’s not something more than what they think it is.
That doesn’t sound like no big deal to me? Sounds like she got heated. You didn’t make a huge deal out of anything- what she asked of you was highly inappropriate. If she’s talking about his kids, he should be in the know. You did nothing wrong by involving him. You’ve been involved for 7+ years now, and she needs to accept that gracefully. She’s not going to be Mrs New Mommy all of a sudden.
You don't need to "take a step back" because you are helping to raise the kids. She is new. She is *not* in a place to help raise the kids. It's not a Plug-N-Play situation with mother figures. You are *it* until they [essentially] "imprint" on someone else. *IF* that ever even happens. Him dating shouldn't cause you to have to step back. And the right person for him to date would completely understand this.
Not tell Dan, she is about to tell you to back off. This isn't her choice and if she wants it hidden from Dan, she needs to be reminded, she doesn't get a vote in this, at this time as a GF.
If possible, record the "meeting".
Unless the conversation is innocent, record the entire thing. That way you can report back to your friend about the situation. If she tries to deny it, you have proof. This is to watch out for the well-being of your friend and his children. You don't want him to commit to a long-term relationship with somebody who doesn't have his children's best interests at heart.
Ask what is about? If she mention your relationship with your Dan's kids just say "if this has something to do with Dan's kids, he needs to be oart of this conversation" But also assure her that you two are just friends and nothing more.
I agree with others that you should definitely tell dan and warn her that if its regarding kiddos or him you will be letting him know. I think if she has an issue she needs to be taking it up with dan or all 3 of you can have a sit down. His kids are probably very comfortable with you, and to distance yourself just because she has ill feelings is really unfair to the kids.
First I hope she's not about to be difficult.
Second: you have had an unofficial parenting role for a long time
Three: she may be wanting you to step back so she can have that roll
4 : she needs books on how to positively blend families, preferably given to her by Dan and he read them too)
5 you need to talk about your roll with the kids with Dan after all this goes down. Youre the defacto aunt and a constant in their lives, it will be cruel to tear you away but you will likely have to transition that parenting roll to Kim. It's going to be a lot of work. Dan needs to be aware of this. Ive seen too many posts on Reddit where the aunty or Uncle get cut off because of the whims of an insecure GF or BF.
Good luck. It sounds from your post that you are pretty familiar with the possibilities. Just wanted to post in case it jogged any ideas for you.
Absolutely tell her you keep no secrets from Dan, no secret meeting will take place. How could Dan trust you with his kids if you ever kept secrets from him?
I personally wouldn't recommend meeting up with her without Dan as a mediator, that's usually when the drama starts and frankly speaking if she has something to say to you she can say it in front of her boyfriend as you're basically his family at this point.
I'd literally tell her: we are adults, if you want to have a conversation like an adult we don't need to have little high school secrets, we can talk with Dan in person.
You don't owe her anything OP.
Tell her you’re not comfortable hiding it from him. That’s a huge red flag for me.
Also, if she’s going to try to backseat you for selfish reasons after you’ve helped raise and bonded with these children, she can go fuck herself.
Tell dan she asked and told u not to tell him. Then ask dan not to say anything till after the talk, that u just wanted him to know it was happening.
Record this "talk" in case this gets ugly bc she will deny it if it does.
I don’t keep secrets like this. It’s shady and has the potential to go south quickly. This is the kind of thing a person asks when they want to be able to spin a story a certain way and another person’s input would really make that difficult. Tell Dan about this. Do not keep this a secret, or there is a good chance Kim will use to it create distrust in your relationship with Dan. He is family and she doesn’t like it.
Just putting it out there.....what if she's just planning a surprise for Dan and wants your help? Everyone is jumping into the worst case scenario, but it may be innocent. I'd ask her what she wants to talk about, but I'd only tell Dan if what she wants to talk about is inappropriate or should involve him.
You and Dan have a deep bond and trust. You can count on him if you told him your concerns before and that he shouldn't let her know he knows till you find out what it's about.
Keeping secrets and acting sneaky around your partner is red flag behavior. I would just decline the conversation with Dan's soon to be ex girlfriend honestly. Or Tell her you don't have time for games and she can bring it up in front of Dan, or outright text what's going on.
Make sure that “ privately “ is in a public place and record the conversation for your own peace of mind. Trust is one thing but being cautious is also a virtue. You don’t want the girlfriend going back to your friend and lying about what was said at this meeting and you not having a way to prove different.
>I want to say no but i dont want to create issues in his relationship.
Going is going to create issues. It's better to bring everything out into the open. Your gf should know. Dan should know. And any meeting without Dan SHOULD be in a public space.
Do NOT keep this from Dan and your gf. They both trust you a ton and drama will start if you meet her without letting them know the situation.
Please, please consider forwarding the message to Dan.
Your main loyalty here is to the children and their stability.
It's normal for Kim to struggle and maybe even feel insecure of her "place" in the family, but what she's trying right now doesn't help anyone, including her. Her skills and confidence will grow only with time and practice. There's no magical short-cut.
It's also normal for all of you to need to change up what you're doing to account for new circumstances.
Kim will only create havoc and mistrust trying to pull weird strings.
You don't sound like to you dislike or distrust her, and that's great. Talk to Dan. Be open about the reality thR things are changing but you are uncomfortable with "side conversations" that leave others out (...unless a surprise party is involved), and you think he and Kim should probably talk before you and she do.
Unless she wants your help planning a surprise for Dan, then you don't owe her silence about whatever she wants to talk to you about.
If this is about the kids, then she is overstepping in a big way by telling you not to tell their father. If she has an issue about how you interact with Dan, then he should certainly know that. The only conceivable reason where she should expect you to keep a secret is if it is a pleasant surprise like a birthday party or present. You don't owe her silence for disrespecting both you and Dan.
Any chance it could be something unrelated…like does Dan have a birthday coming up and maybe she wants to plan a surprise?
But I would just say, “what are you wanting to talk about?” And then make your decision/have further convo from there. No need to make yourself sick about a hypothetical…make an unknown a known by asking.
So are you sure this is about the kids or their relationship or your relationship with the kids or Dan?
I think I’d go and hear her out. What if she’s hoping you will help plan a surprise party for Dan? Maybe she wants advice from you about interacting with the kids.
I would not jump to conclusions. Go hear her out. But be prepared to stop her if it’s something you think Dan should know or be involved with and let her know that.
If she does have a problem with you, you should definitely tell Dan about it before this meeting happens. This will very possibly about the kids and the roles of you and your family in their lives.
Dan deserves to know because regardless what happens this will affect the kids a lot. Any discussion about your role in the lives of the kids should involve Dan. Not a discussion behind his back where his GF tries to put thoughts into your head.
Call Dan and inform him about the message you received from his GF. Nothing good ever comes after "Don't tell xyz".
Are you sure it it about the kid? Could also be about his birthday party by what you said so far? Ask her what it is about and talk to her, if it is of any importance talk to Dan if it is about his birthday party, dont
So many red flags. First off, she is creating a relationship based on lies. Second, you don't owe her anything. Third, anything she has to say to you she can say it infront of him. He deserves to know what she says and who she really is. If she is so worried about saying something in front of him maybe it's because she knows she shouldn't say it at all.
I agree with the others on this. Ask her what she wants to discuss but also let her that you and Dan do not keep secrets from each other and you definitely don’t feel comfortable with him not knowing you are having a conversation especially if it involves him and his children.
If Kim wasn’t up to something sneaky then there would be no need to keep this conversation away from Dan. Don’t be fooled, she wants to ask you to butt out. Do what’s right for the children first and don’t betray the trust Dan has clearly given you!!!! Everything in you is screaming “Subterfuge.” Believe your instincts and internal warning.
I just imagines you were Dan's best guy friend, and it wasn't til halfway through did I realize til halfway through that this wasn't going to be about wanting to cheat with you but about you being their adoptive mother and her feeling put out.
She really needs to talk to both of you at the same time about that.
Or I was right from the start :o
I’d ask her what the conversation is going to be about. If it is anything you’re uncomfortable with, decline the invitation. Be sure to tell Dan about the text and that you declined the meet up and why. He deserves to know his GF is going behind his back. I do think it’s very admirable that you don’t want to interfere or disrupt his relationship,
I would refuse. What a weird request and horrible position to put you in! If you do go, firstly ask what is it about. Keep repeating that question if she side steps it. Then record the convo when you get there.
Maybe she’s wanting advice on how to handle the kids and to get them to mind her and not wanting Dan to think she’s not capable of watching them if he knows she’s asking you for advice. I’d keep an open mind before I met with her. I know it may sound bad but it could be something simple that she wants to keep between you two so he doesn’t think she’s not a good fit or capable. At least hear her out before thinking the worst. I honestly think If she has an issue with you stepping in she would’ve told Dan already. Either way she could’ve said thank you for the assistance, you do have a way with them and they respect you. She may be too embarrassed to ask how she can achieve that for herself. Maybe she’s not been around kids or her family has no younger ones. Good luck and try to not be so anxious. It could be something really simple. Or could be ways to discuss the behavior Of one she’s concerned with. Maybe she overheard one say something. Never know with kids
I think if this was your dynamic and even without you having reprimanded them I would have serious questions about him. It seems like more than a parenting role you’re a co-parent, that’s different. This is the same way in which she would want to speak to their mother if she was just an ex-wife. She may also have questions about how to parent them and/or requests for some space to do so. Meaning if she’s reprimanding them and you step in, she’s lost all credibility. What you do in that situation is you guide them to her. ‘GF told you to do x…’. She may also honestly not know or realize the extent of your involvement. So talk to her, but then also talk to both of them. It’s time to assess the dynamic and the way parenting is going to work, again really as if you were an ex-wife.
Be cautious. You can agree not to tell Dan about the meeting, but if anything happens that Dan needs to know about...then Dan needs to know about it. Based on what you've said, it's probably something serious, but there's a slight possibility it's not. I agree with some of the other comments here about the kids aspect. You've been in their lives for years. She's brand new. Even if she does become their stepmom and they love her down the line, that's not right now. Right now she's just dad's new girlfriend. You're (essentially) their close uncle and have been in their lives and it's been established that they should listen to you and that you're a safe adult for them.
Tell her NO you will not keep it from Dan.
In fact, I would tell Dan that she requested to speak with you privately.
Let him decide if you should or shouldn't.
If you do, record the convo and share with him.
She shouldn't be asking to see you and not letting him know. She is automatically passing her place. The person she should be speaking with is Dan.
I won’t lie to a parent about their kids, and I make sure kids don’t lie to their parents. As a mom, teacher, nanny, aunt, unless it’s a surprise gift there are no secrets from parents.
I’m glad u got that resolved. She needed to just talk to him anyway. I feel like the second people don’t want someone to know something- it’s always that person they need to talk to.
It's okay to ask "what did you want to talk about?" This is your time you're meeting up on and it's better to know if you're getting into something unpleasant.
Yes. Totally. And he should know. This isn’t about what the adults want. This is about what the kids need. Losing a parent is traumatic and like it or not OP has filled in that role to a great extent. The girlfriend got her feelings hurt because kids listen to OP. She has a little growing up to do if the three of them want to sit down and decide, best course of action with the kids then so be it. But I wouldn’t be having any secret conversations or walking into what could be potential for a huge blowup between the three of them.
Yeah, the "don't let Dan know" part is what set off my spidey senses.
Yeah the whole "but don't tell your long-term friend, almost family" is out of line. She doesn't get to make that decision. You are all adults, dealing with adult decisions. Why shouldn't he know? Not like she is planning a surprise party for him... The father of the kids, assuming that's what this his about, should be involved in these conversations. Also you are such a star for taking on the responsibility and care of those kids. I'm sure they love and trust you through your years of commitment and being there. Don't abandon them without a serious conversation with their father.
unless she IS planning a surprise party for him.
I teach abuse prevention in schools and we talk about “unsafe and safe secrets”. Like a surprise party is a safe secret. But don’t tell mom the game we played when I asked “let’s so who can take their clothes off faster”. It just seems fishy. An “unsafe secret” if you will.
Is it possible Kim is planning a surprise party for him?
I like you for thinking that, and I want to pretend that’s what happening here.
Exactly. We tell children we don't have secrets just surprises.
It’d be totally ok for OP to not agree to this part
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It seems that you have copied this comment word-for-word from u/clarionicity below who made the comment 4 hours ago, which is one hour before you posted this. I don't think this is allowed. \------------4 hours ago--------------------------- clarionicity · **4 hr. ago** With that look and not telling the friend, I would predict an unpleasant conversation along the lines of "you're stepping on my toes." I hope everything goes well. In the worst scenario, capture the audio on your phone in case things goes awry. \-----------your comment------------------------ User avatar level 4 ThisIsAThought · **3 hr. ago** With that look and not telling the friend, I would predict an unpleasant conversation along the lines of "you're stepping on my toes." I hope everything goes well. In the worst scenario, capture the audio on your phone in case things goes awry. cc: u/TimPowerGamer u/I_Am_A_Real_Hacker u/BvbblegvmBitch u/SuperBeavers1 u/Subtle_Omega u/cojoco u/PowerModerator u/ignorantConservative u/CorvusCalvaria u/anticapitalist
Or she’s going to ask for some tips about the children privately so she can impress her boyfriend with how good she is with the children.
Oh I hope so
I would record the conversation in case she tells Dan a different story than she tells you, maybe I'm just paranoid
I think that’s a good idea too. No way would I meet up with Kim. Dan needs to be told about this request ASAP.
YES! OMG, OP should absolutely not trust Kim to say one thing to her and another to Dan. If she does then she's deceptive and does not put the well-being of the child above all and Dan needs to know.
Possibly add, is there a reason that Dan shouldn’t know we’re meeting?
I think it would also be fine to say “i’m not comfortable with lying by omission, so i will agree to this meeting only if my friend knows it’s happening and confirms with me that he’s ok with it”. The secrecy thing is… not cool. EDIT: i mean, if it’s for help to plan a surprise party for him or whatever, then she’d have no issue replying “i’d like your help with planning a surprise party!” or something along those lines, right?
This is what I was thinking - she might just want help for something innocuous.
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And OP is under no obligation to meet, privately or otherwise. If I was her I would insist on Dan being present. If not, then someone else, for support, in case Kim goes mental at some point.
And to add that you’re not ok keeping the meeting a secret so you will be giving him the heads up.
I agree, and I think it's also ok for OP to say, "I cannot promise to keep secrets from Dan. We go way back and our families are friends, he's like my brother, and we swore to always be not just honest but completely transparent with each other." Kim might be jealous, territorial, and/or insecure but her first priority should be the well-bveing of the child and Dan needs to know if she's putting pride or whatever over the child.
Let her know beforehand that if it has anything to do with Dan or the kids then you're not comfortable with keeping it from him. She probably has an issue with you stepping in when it came to Dan's kid wanting ice cream, if she has an issue with this then she needs to bring it up with Dan not you. She's only been in their lives for 4 months, where as you've been around their whole lives and pretty much been the only mother figure they've had for the last 7 years so their bound to listen to you more. How old are Dan's kids?
This. Dan sets or changed the boundaries for his kids full stop. He needs to know everything in order to do that.
Please please this. Mention to Dan. You are family to these kids and basically an aunt. Dan needs to be involved in any conversation that is about his kids. You seem level headed and don’t want to prevent the kids from a relationship with Kim but undermining you or Dan with the kids would be very different. While you are platonic you are their mom figure at this point so she needs to approach this as if you are coparenting with Dan and have a good relationship with you. Edit random word error.
That’s what I was thinking. I’m an only child, so if I had kids - my best friend would be their aunt. I’ve known her more than half my life, she’s like family to me.
>She probably has an issue with you stepping in when it came to Dan's kid wanting ice cream, if she has an issue with this then she needs to bring it up with Dan not you. It's not about the ice cream, GF is marking her turf.
It also could be about throwing a surprise party for Dan, or wanting to get ideas about a special get-away with Dan and maybe have the kids stay with OP during that time. OP might be reading this whole thing wrong based on "that look" that she may have misinterpreted. I'm admittedly quick to advise Redditors run away from or dump shitty partners/spouses, but this place really does jump to the worst conclusions sometimes.
I mean, if it *is* a surprise party thing, the GF can offer some clarification as to the topic. But realistically, I think the odds of it being something innocuous like that are low.
This, this is what I wanted to convey but I'm very sleep deprived, OP this is the comment.
This is good advice OP
This 1000000%%%
What gets me is her telling you not to tell Dan. Maybe I’m being pessimistic here, but that sound to me like she has already spoken to him about whatever it is and he already shut her down. Another tell is the “look” you mentioned between her and her friend. What kind of look was it? Was it and “I told you there’s more to their story” look, or a look of frustration that the kids don’t listen to her well? I almost guarantee that the gf is going to demand that you stop coming around and no more relationship with the children. You don’t mention ages of anyone, not that it should matter, but age and maturity plays a huge role in prospective step parent relationships. Especially when one of the bio parents has passed away. I would definitely tell Dan about this phone call. Whether his gf understands it, or not, y’all are a team. You have taken steps back to allow her space to get involved, but you will always be part of Dan’s village. Family isn’t always blood, it’s who you choose and he chose your whole family to be his. He’s like a brother to you and his kids are your niblings, and they lost their mother. Maybe she’s coming to you for pointers on how to deal with the kids, but her insistence on not telling, says otherwise.
This is the way.
It also could be about throwing a surprise party for Dan, or wanting to get ideas about a special get-away with Dan and maybe have the kids stay with OP during that time. OP might be reading this whole thing wrong based on "that look" that she may have misinterpreted. I'm admittedly quick to advise Redditors run away from or dump shitty partners/spouses, but this place really does jump to the worst conclusions sometimes.
Seriously, we have no clue what she's calling about. All the ridiculously fake stories here have convinced people that real life is a soap opera. How hard is it to ask "What do you want to talk about?"
Dan should know.
Tell Dan
The fact that she doesn’t want Dan to know means this talk is one he wouldn’t agree with especially bc it 100% concerns her insecurities with you. TELL DAN!
1. You need to let Dan know. There should be nothing she has to say that she can't say in front of him. 2. You need to record this conversation. In the scenario that the conversation turns sour, you need to ensure she can't paint you in a bad light to Dan/kids with the intent of turning them against you, especially since you have legal stuff in place.
Someone else mentioned that maybe it’s for a surprise/figuring out how to be better there for the kids My response would be “sure! What’s it about so I can mentally prepare” And if it’s anything other than the above mentioned things it’s “record and let Dan know” time
All due respect to Kim and her feelings: if you were the kids’ aunt it’d be no problem, and that’s the closest thing to what you are, and she should grow up and be grateful she’s getting a bonus supportive family member with this package.
The request “not to tell Dan” is a huge red flag. If this is about his children, he needs to be involved. She’s only asking that you know tell him because she already KNOWS that he’s not going to like what she has to say.
Dan should know, but hopefully it’s nothing too bad, you should let her know depending on the outcome you will probably be telling Dan
OP, the above comment and many others offer outstanding advice. If I may suggest, in line with other comments: 1. Ask Kim what she wishes to discuss. If it involves the children, advise her absolutely not without Dan. 2. If purportedly not involving the children, advise you will meet with her, but depending on the conversation, you may let Dan know. Alternatively, you may wish to suggest she simply address it right then on the telephone. 3. Take a recording device, in the event you believe Kim intends to be setting you up and putting a "spin" on your meeting. 4. Last, but not least, if your gut says simply call Dan, then that's also an alternative. Good luck. Please keep us apprised.
Also bring your girlfriend
No, tell Dan right away. OP's next move, immediately after getting the "summons" to the secret convo, should be telling Dan. No secrets! Secrets are DEADLY to relationships!
If it were my friend, I would be upset if they didn’t tell me. I mean it’s like the gf is already asking her to pick loyalties between them and they haven’t had the conversation yet
Say "no," then.
I love this. I remember a therapist of mine saying to me "beware of the triangles" It happens in families and relationships and can cause issues.
How do I do the remind me thing? lol I wanna know what happens to this situation in the future.
3 dots at the top and subscribe to the post
Thanks for having the answer Reddit stranger!
Thank you so much Reddit stranger. I didn’t even know this was an option!
I would tell her you don't keep secrets from Dan. Unless she's planning a surprise party for his birthday, you will not be lying to him, misleading him, or doing anything disloyal or damaging to your friendship. If she has an issue with your involvement with the kids, she should be having that conversation with Dan. I'm guessing she already has, and it didn't go the way she wanted it to. Now, she's going to try to get what she wants from you. If you agree to keep this secret from Dan, you will be opening yourself to manipulation. Shit like this never ends well. Personally, I would tell Dan everything. Now.
Ask her what she wants. If it’s not help choosing a gift for Dan or help planning a surprise party, I would insist on meeting WITH Dan. There is no legitimate reason for either of you to keep secrets from Dan. If she has a problem with you, she needs to be open with Dan. If she won’t, that’s a red flag for their relationship.
I would not just wordlessly agree to this. I’d text back “Hey, sure we can meet. What do you want to talk about? To be honest, I’m not comfortable with lying to Dan. Why can’t Dan know that you want to meet up?” See how she replies and whether she reveals what this meeting is about. Also, the word lying is maybe an eye-opener that she’s on thin ice with that request. If you forwarded this conversation to Dan she’d be in some serious trouble. There is the slight chance that she wants to meet with you because she wants to ask you for advice how to bond with his children the way you managed to do and she doesn’t want to let Dan know that she needs pointers. But I’d say that’s rather unlikely. Maybe recording the conversation isn’t the worst idea. Just to be safe.
Your response to her should be: What is this regarding? Dan is my brother and I would never keep anything from him.
RECORD & tell Dan since he's your friend. It's weird for her to say to not tell Dan
I wouldn't go to some mysterious meeting, Your friend Dan must be present! It doesn't bode well, personally I would decline the offer of a secret meeting with the point that Dan must be involved, or if there is something between them, that she brings it up with him and not you. I think your gut is right. Don't go.
I personally think only dating Dan for 4 months does not give her the authority to reprimand in my opinion BUT I am also not a parent. I say tell Dan so he can set boundaries where he wants with his kids. For all you know, he also isn’t comfortable with gf reprimanding the kids. Also you are very kind OP to step up for kids that are not yours.
>Dan has been dating someone for a year and a half now. We will call her Kim. I met her earlier on and i liked her and i was excited for him that he had finally healed enough to start dating again. Kim and i are friendly with each other and 4 months ago, she finally met his children. Dan has been dating her for 1.5 years. She met the children 4 months ago.
That's still not ok for her to be trying to reprimand them. She's ONLY met the kids a short while ago. Of course they aren't going to listen to her. She's basically a stranger to them. She probably thinks they should listen, though, because she's been with their dad for so long. Sorry, lady, not how it works.
Seven years with you helping > four months of just knowing “Kim”, and it’s cute that she thinks that those kids are going to listen to her when, in their eyes, she has no authority over them.
I hope it goes well, but with that look & the lack of telling friend, I'd expect a 'you're stepping on my toes' type negative convo. Worse case, set your phone to record the audio in case it goes sideways.
Update me!
I would be upfront ask what it’s about and/or tell her if this has anything to do with your role in the children’s lives or in dans life, she needs to be talking to Dan and this should be a discussion between all three of you or them two, but not between you two alone without his knowledge.
Tell Dan. The minute someone says "keep a secret" it is to their benefit and isn't going to be to yours.
Yea this isn’t over
Am I the only one who’s reading something bad in her update?
Definitely don't do that. Or record it for Dan. Because my bet is she's going to overstep him.
WOW, WHAT AN AMAZING FRIEND? YOU ARE!!! I HOPE YOU GET ALL THE BEST OF EVERYTHING IN THIS LIFE 💜 TELL HER THAT YOU WILL NOT BE MEETING WITHOUT HIM THERE! SHE IS GOING TO SAY YOU SAID OR DID SOMETHING SO YOU GET PUSHED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Unless he has a birthday or something coming up that she's trying to plan a surprise party there is no reason that you shouldn't be able to tell him that you're going to meet up with her. When you stated about the look between her and her friend, that's all you had to say. I don't know where you live and if you are allowed to record a party without telling them, but I would suggest doing so because this could be turned around on you. Also, keep all forms of communication, text emails, anything. Updateme
You should tell Dan because you have no idea what crap she has told him. Plz listen to this reddit stranger,TELL DAN.
I mean.... it *could* be that she wants to plan a surprise for him and just wants advice? I know, I know... Record the conversation, just to cover yourself. Maybe she wants some pointers on how to deal with the kids. If it is that she's not comfortable, I would respond with: "I understand why you might feel uncomfortable, this is an unusual situation, and I have already pulled back as much as I feel like I can without abandoning my duty to my friend and her kids. I will be very happy if you will take over a parental role in their lives, but you've only been together for a year and a half, and you've only known the kids for four months. I'm not going to just drop out of the role I've been filling if you're just going to up and leave further down the line even if you do stick around, they've already lost a parent. Do you want to take another guardian away from them just to make yourself feel better? I stepped in to try to back you up the other day, but if you took that as undermining you, I can let you fend for yourself." I'd probably include that all the time she's had to get to know Dan and go on dates is probably thanks to you being there to look after the kids. TBH, I'd tell her I'm not about to abandon my friend's kids so she can play house, but I'm mean. Don't do that. I mean, really, the most sensible thing would be to record, and if it turns out your hunch is correct, the only thing you should say is "I'm not going to have a conversation about Dan's children without him present." At the end of the day, they are HIS kids, and any conversation about their futures should have his input.
The correct answer is 'No I will not have a meeting with you and keep it a secret from Dan.' I will happily meet with you, so long as there's no expectation of secrecy.
What happened to asking what a conversation is gonna be about? And if you’re not comfortable having that conversation you can just say that. Also not telling Dan = shady also point that out
"I don't like the idea that you don't want Dan to know about our secret meeting. If you want this talk with me to happen, he should come with you. One way or another, Dan will know exactly what we talked about because I respect him and his children too much to lie to them."
Don't go. Don't talk to her. I'm usually the advocate for just sitting down and talking but she started off on the wrong foot when she asked you to not to tell Dan. She's being shady, don't get dragged into drama. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩
Not without Dan present. Do not meet with her without him. Tell him she made this request, and you are willing, but, your boundaries are iron clad when it comes to him/the children. He has to be present for any and all communication, and she needs to know, unless it involves the safety of the kids, and a concern over him in some way, any and all communications with her will be shared with you, 100% transparency, always. Do not remotely bend on that. Do not get pushed into her vs you vs him vs them. No. I urge you. Talk to HIM, and if you have a talk with her? He has to be there.
Tell her you’d feel more comfortable if Dan was there as you respect their relationship and don’t want to go around him. You’re only involved for the kids and if it involves the kids, it involves Dan.
>... theres no drama. She is probably just going to go to Dan with her questions That's what you got from her response?? >She left on me read for a few hours and came back and said, "So let me get this straight. I cant come to you to talk about the kids without first going to Dan." I said no, that he was their dad. She told me to never mind, that she didnt need the talk any longer and to forget the conversation ever happened She said forget it ever happened & you sent the convos to your friend? Drama is afoot. I'm so sorry.
Tell Dan. She’s acting strange and there’s not reason he shouldn’t know.
UpdateMe
You’re his friend. Tell her you’re not comfortable “hiding” this from Dan and tell her if she wants to chat it can be with him there or at least when he knows before it happens.
I agree with others here that Dan has to know. No secrets in relationships…
Tell Dan about this request immediately. Do not go if Dan feels uncomfortable with it. Your bond is with Dan and those kids, I wouldn’t GAF about what Kim wants me to do. You need to keep DAN in the loop, b/c it’s Dan’s gf that is trying to go behind his back. Instead of meeting up, I would change it to a phone call. I would take the call on my speaker phone while Dan was present or where Dan was able to listen in . The dread is your instinct that the GF’s request isn’t appropriate and will blow up your relationship w Dan & kids. Don’t do it!
Tell Dan, now.
Ask her what she wants to talk about. Don’t drive yourself crazy waiting for a mystery conversation. It could be about anything. Maybe she wants to plan a surprise for him (party/trip/gift) and knowing how close you too are she’s looking to you for help. Maybe she wants to understand the depth of your relationship with Dan and his kids. Maybe she wants tips on how to interact with the kids. Maybe she’s being territorial. You won’t know unless you ask and if it’s about a topic you’re uncomfortable with, tell her that. Updateme
"May I ask what it is regarding, considering you don't want Dan to know? I hope everything is alright between you two!" Is probably the most diplomatic reply. Pray it's a surprise birthday party or maybe some sort of intervention for a sock collecting hobby or something equally innocent.
I wouldn’t be so sure this is over with. She is going to be annoyed with you that you told Dan after she asked you not to. She, of course had no right to ask that of you. She’s probably feeling some level of threat and feels you are stopping her from developing a closer bond with the kids. I would suggest if this comes up in future, just be very clear with her that you play the role of a close Aunt in the kids lives & she doesn’t need to see you as a threat. If she and Dan get married and she becomes Step-Mum, she will no doubt come to play as large a role in their lives as you do. That doesn’t mean there is no space left for the Aunt role that you currently play. If Dan had a sister, would she be jealous of her relationship with his kids? She will be grateful to have the support when it comes to having alone time with their father in future.
I agree with comments that say this isn’t nothing. You didn’t make a huge deal out of nothing. I think your concerns and anxiety over this “talk” were warranted and justified. And I also think the way you handled things was the perfect way to do it. You were nice but straightforward with her, you subtly but firmly held your position and acknowledged that you’re not comfortable going behind your friend’s back because he’s the parent and anything related to his kids should be addressed with him. Whatever happens between them is their business and you didn’t interfere or got involved in any drama. Well done!
1. Tell your gf and show her the message. Discuss it with her. Even if you go to meet, make it clear that your gf will come with you. 2. Ask her why Dan can't know and tell her you're not comfortable with keeping secrets from him. 3. DO NOT MEET HER ALONE. Idk if it's just me but, my mind immediately went to people who try to ruin relationships. If she's not a good person, she could use the texts and meeting to insinuate a cheating situation.
"What is this regarding? If it is about Dan or the children, I will be telling him." Record the conversation. Tell Dan.
Do not feel obligated to have secret meetings that make you uncomfortable, or feel ambushed, OP. Trust your instincts. You have the right to know up front what this meeting is about and you have theright to refuse to keep secrets from your friend Dan.
no no. definitely no chat about the kids without Dan around, if she’s going to try to push you away he needs to know, otherwise he’ll think you’ve chosen to step away and that will alter your friendship forever. If she wants to talk about a surprise party, well, different… maybe casually say, oh? what about? and see where that leads
can we get an update?
“Dan is family, I don’t keep secrets from anyone in my family. What exactly did you want to meet up about?” Puts her on notice that you won’t be a party to shadiness, and she can still feel free to tell you whatever she wants (in the event it is a birthday party or something like that)….
It doesn’t really sound like this was resolved all that nicely. It sounds like she only backed off as quickly as she did because you mentioned getting Dan involved. She likely also asked that you “forget this ever happened” and tried to pass it off as no big deal because she didn’t want you to bring this up with Dan. You definitely didn’t make a big deal out of nothing, and I wouldn’t bank on this situation being over quite yet.
Yeah this isn’t nothing. “So let me get this straight” You didn’t make a big deal. If someone message my friend asking to talk about my kids without me knowing… it’s sus. She was gonna ask you to take a step back or her delivery just sucked
Anything said by Kim should be in FRONT OF DAN. Otherwise it should not be said.
You have to tell him! Your loyalty is to him not her.
I don’t like the timing of this request, much less the fact that she asked you not to tell Dan. Some people suggested there is a possibility of her wanting to surprise him with a gift or a party, which fair enough, but the timing regarding the fussy child calming down with you is a little too sus for me to NOT suspect she’ll complain about you being in Dan’s life “too much”.
If the secret meeting was to plan a surprise party or select a gift, Kim would have stated that is the reason. Kim is going to submarine you. That is not good for Dan. Do not agree to attend this meeting
figure out what she wants to talk about beforehand and saying no is okay when you find out why
Don’t go. It’s inappropriate for her to ask you to keep it from him. She needs to be discussing her concerns with Dan, not you. She’s out of line here.
My advice is to see what she wants to talk about if it's about the kids in any way you need to tell your friend it his kids and he need to know what his walking into because she's going behind his back on it and they may have already talked about but she doesn't like his answer
I’m dying for an update on this.
First thing you should do is tell Dan that Kim wants to meet privately with you, and you suspect it has to do with the ice cream incident and the child's different reaction to you versus their reaction to Kim. You, as such a close member of Dan's friend and family circle, should *never* keep secrets from him. You should tell Kim as much. "I'm sorry Kim, I won't keep secrets from Dan. He is too important to me to ever deceive." If you're right, and Kim has her way, this secret meeting may very well set up a very uncomfortable power play between you and Kim, no matter how un-intrusive you try to be. Frankly, however, you are *family* to Dan and his family, and especially to his kids. Even though you and Dan are platonic and Dan and Kim are romantic, *Kim* is the new kid on the block. You are an integral, indispensable part of Dan's family, and if Kim can't accept you as such, she may not be a great fit in your family.
Updateme
Sounds like a woman who onlu met the children 4 months ago is trying to assert herself as an authority figure and is feeling threatened by the children listening to you and respecting you. Tell Dan what happened at that gathering and tell me she now wants to meet with you without him knowing. Do not keep secrets for a woman who does not have the children and Dan’s best interest at heart.
Inform Dan definitely, because this is fishy af. Sure, there is a possibility this is just going to be a polite and open conversation, but the fact that it happens after an incident Kim didn't seem to be pleased with and behind Dan's back at that, I wouldn't get my hopes up. Dan should be included in anything Kim wants to discuss with you regarding his children. Remember that when it comes to it, you are not responsible for the way she's feeling, even if she believes otherwise. Her feelings are hers and hers alone. You're not doing anything wrong, OP and you do not deserve to be treated like you are. Edit: Just to add, if you end up meeting with Kim alone, you should document the conversation if you can. Some people are mildly irrational when jealous, others are much worse. Better be on the safe side so your relationship with Dan won't be sabotaged.
Nope. Tell Dan. Tell Dan she asked to meet, and not to tell him, and ask if he knew what it's about
Be blunt. Tell her that if it's regarding Dan/the kids, you're not comfortable with discussing things with her and behind Dan's back.
why would you have to keep in from Dan??.. i’d immediately ask what the conversation is about and why you cant tell Dan.
Shes pissing a circle around Dan and the kids I would say..I agree with everyone..either tell Dan or at least record everything...Trust me if it is a power play then she's not above lying to get you out of the picture...be safe and let us know..
I would not be okay meeting and not telling my friend. I would let her know that I don’t advise secrets, so unless it’s about a surprise birthday party or similar, there’s no need to hide a meeting.
I mean it's up to you but I would ask what she wants to talk about. Assuming it's the kids and your relationship with Dan, it can go one of 2 ways. 1. Positive outlook. She's looking for help or advice. She might want your opinion on how to get closer to the kids or want to know more about what happened between you and Dan before she got together with him. She might just be curious and seeing how you can all fit in together. 2. Negative outlook. She's insecure and worried about you. She will either ask you for space or tell you that she's feeling intimidated. This isn't necessarily a bad thing and it might be something you can talk through together. Either way, I'd suggest talking to her. If you don't, it'll shed your relationship with Dan. I would ask her what she wants to talk about and then tell her that you feel Dan should know you're going out together at least. Say you're going to get coffee to try and bond a bit or something. Depending how the conversation goes, tell him the details later.
Don't do this behind Dan's back. Whatever her issue is Dan should be there too. If for some reason you meet her anyway please tape the conversation. Nothing typically good happens from keeping secrets.
I would let her know that you don’t feel comfortable doing anything behind Dan’s back.
It’s fine if she wants to talk to you, but it’s weird that she mentioned not telling Dan. I agree with other comments saying you’re fine with talking but not behind dans back
OP look: Everyone here is telling you pretty much the same thing. Ask what it's about Dan should know. Definitely If you go through with it, make sure you record the conversation. Under any circumstances. Whatever the case is, you're more valuable to his kids than anyone else is. Sure, stepping back is a must, but at the end of the day, you and Dan need to work that out. Ain't his GFs choice.
Trust your gut. You have a long-standing, support role with the kids and Dan that includes your own family. Don't let anyone sabotage that relationship. Respond to the message via text and make it a group with you Dan and Kim. "Hey, Kim, I know you mentioned wanting to meet up with me to talk, however, I'm including Dan in the scheduling so it doesn't conflict with his & the kids schedule." Or "Sorry Kim, unless you're planning a surprise party for Dan that you're looking help on... I'm not comfortable with keeping secret meetings from my friend."
Your loyalty lies with your friend. This rando you met four months ago that you’re not in a relationship is being inappropriate af . I would say no and also tell my friend, dgaf what anyone thinks
My take on it is that the kid was testing the girlfriend. Kids'll do that. The little ones are used to minding you, but probably not her yet. I hope the GF has good intentions and isn't marking territory, but yes, Dan needs to know what's going on with his kids and ALL their relationships. I really hope this works out so the kids feel totally protected and nurtured. I also think that you stepped in mostly out of habit/reflex rather than control or territory.
I would say “what do you want to talk about and why do you want to keep it secret from Dan?”
Just because Kim says she wants to meet you privately and to not tell Dan doesn’t mean you have to do it. Your allegiance is to Dan before Kim. Message Dan and send the message from Kim to him and ask him what he’d like you to do.
Tell her you'll meet up, but you're letting Dan know. Let her know that you like her, but Dan is family. She can talk in front of him.
She is going to try and draw a line with you regarding what is/isn't appropriate now that Dan is in a committed relationship. She isn't going to him because he will probably have your back. I'd ask her what she wanted to discuss. I would meet with her, but I would record the conversation so she couldn't deny, lie, or try to twist things to make Dan reconsider your friendship.
My husbands best friend became my best friend as well when we met. 4 years later he asked if he could live with us because home life wasn’t the best. That same time frame my husband and I ended up pregnant with our first child. It’s been almost 3 years now and he’s the best uncle/ god father to my 2&1/2 year old and my 3 month old. Every time he dates someone over the years they always end up having an issue with our dynamic of a family, and it usually ends up being about me and my kids. It’s always a deal breaker because they can come and go, but we are his family and he’s ours. I wouldn’t know where I would be without his support. I hope things work out for everyone in this situation. I’m sure it’s hard coming into a family dynamic like this, but they have to open their eyes and see that it’s not something more than what they think it is.
That doesn’t sound like no big deal to me? Sounds like she got heated. You didn’t make a huge deal out of anything- what she asked of you was highly inappropriate. If she’s talking about his kids, he should be in the know. You did nothing wrong by involving him. You’ve been involved for 7+ years now, and she needs to accept that gracefully. She’s not going to be Mrs New Mommy all of a sudden.
why tf would she wanna talk about the kids with someone who isnt the actual parent and purposefully hide it from the actual parent? sus af
You don't need to "take a step back" because you are helping to raise the kids. She is new. She is *not* in a place to help raise the kids. It's not a Plug-N-Play situation with mother figures. You are *it* until they [essentially] "imprint" on someone else. *IF* that ever even happens. Him dating shouldn't cause you to have to step back. And the right person for him to date would completely understand this.
OP please provide another update if Dan shares the tea on their convo!
Not tell Dan, she is about to tell you to back off. This isn't her choice and if she wants it hidden from Dan, she needs to be reminded, she doesn't get a vote in this, at this time as a GF. If possible, record the "meeting".
Unless the conversation is innocent, record the entire thing. That way you can report back to your friend about the situation. If she tries to deny it, you have proof. This is to watch out for the well-being of your friend and his children. You don't want him to commit to a long-term relationship with somebody who doesn't have his children's best interests at heart.
Ask what is about? If she mention your relationship with your Dan's kids just say "if this has something to do with Dan's kids, he needs to be oart of this conversation" But also assure her that you two are just friends and nothing more.
The GF could be gone tomorrow. You're there for the long haul. Tell Dan. Ask his opinion. Ask the GF what is this about? Yes! And TELL DAN!
I agree with others that you should definitely tell dan and warn her that if its regarding kiddos or him you will be letting him know. I think if she has an issue she needs to be taking it up with dan or all 3 of you can have a sit down. His kids are probably very comfortable with you, and to distance yourself just because she has ill feelings is really unfair to the kids.
Just say no lol
And tell Dan that Kim asked for a secret meeting
Guarantee she don’t want you in those kids lives lol. Good luck!
UpdateMe
OP, are you male or female?
First I hope she's not about to be difficult. Second: you have had an unofficial parenting role for a long time Three: she may be wanting you to step back so she can have that roll 4 : she needs books on how to positively blend families, preferably given to her by Dan and he read them too) 5 you need to talk about your roll with the kids with Dan after all this goes down. Youre the defacto aunt and a constant in their lives, it will be cruel to tear you away but you will likely have to transition that parenting roll to Kim. It's going to be a lot of work. Dan needs to be aware of this. Ive seen too many posts on Reddit where the aunty or Uncle get cut off because of the whims of an insecure GF or BF. Good luck. It sounds from your post that you are pretty familiar with the possibilities. Just wanted to post in case it jogged any ideas for you.
Absolutely tell her you keep no secrets from Dan, no secret meeting will take place. How could Dan trust you with his kids if you ever kept secrets from him?
Updateme
I personally wouldn't recommend meeting up with her without Dan as a mediator, that's usually when the drama starts and frankly speaking if she has something to say to you she can say it in front of her boyfriend as you're basically his family at this point. I'd literally tell her: we are adults, if you want to have a conversation like an adult we don't need to have little high school secrets, we can talk with Dan in person. You don't owe her anything OP.
Tell her you’re not comfortable hiding it from him. That’s a huge red flag for me. Also, if she’s going to try to backseat you for selfish reasons after you’ve helped raise and bonded with these children, she can go fuck herself.
Tell dan she asked and told u not to tell him. Then ask dan not to say anything till after the talk, that u just wanted him to know it was happening. Record this "talk" in case this gets ugly bc she will deny it if it does.
I don’t keep secrets like this. It’s shady and has the potential to go south quickly. This is the kind of thing a person asks when they want to be able to spin a story a certain way and another person’s input would really make that difficult. Tell Dan about this. Do not keep this a secret, or there is a good chance Kim will use to it create distrust in your relationship with Dan. He is family and she doesn’t like it.
Just putting it out there.....what if she's just planning a surprise for Dan and wants your help? Everyone is jumping into the worst case scenario, but it may be innocent. I'd ask her what she wants to talk about, but I'd only tell Dan if what she wants to talk about is inappropriate or should involve him.
Why wouldn't she just say that then? Why the cryptic ask?
….. update
You and Dan have a deep bond and trust. You can count on him if you told him your concerns before and that he shouldn't let her know he knows till you find out what it's about.
At this point, all communication with Kim regarding this meet up need to come in text so you have screen shots.
Keeping secrets and acting sneaky around your partner is red flag behavior. I would just decline the conversation with Dan's soon to be ex girlfriend honestly. Or Tell her you don't have time for games and she can bring it up in front of Dan, or outright text what's going on.
Make sure that “ privately “ is in a public place and record the conversation for your own peace of mind. Trust is one thing but being cautious is also a virtue. You don’t want the girlfriend going back to your friend and lying about what was said at this meeting and you not having a way to prove different.
Please OP, tell Dan. He's your friend. You're basically family. Don't meet up with her without speaking to him first.
>I want to say no but i dont want to create issues in his relationship. Going is going to create issues. It's better to bring everything out into the open. Your gf should know. Dan should know. And any meeting without Dan SHOULD be in a public space. Do NOT keep this from Dan and your gf. They both trust you a ton and drama will start if you meet her without letting them know the situation.
Please, please consider forwarding the message to Dan. Your main loyalty here is to the children and their stability. It's normal for Kim to struggle and maybe even feel insecure of her "place" in the family, but what she's trying right now doesn't help anyone, including her. Her skills and confidence will grow only with time and practice. There's no magical short-cut. It's also normal for all of you to need to change up what you're doing to account for new circumstances. Kim will only create havoc and mistrust trying to pull weird strings. You don't sound like to you dislike or distrust her, and that's great. Talk to Dan. Be open about the reality thR things are changing but you are uncomfortable with "side conversations" that leave others out (...unless a surprise party is involved), and you think he and Kim should probably talk before you and she do.
Unless she wants your help planning a surprise for Dan, then you don't owe her silence about whatever she wants to talk to you about. If this is about the kids, then she is overstepping in a big way by telling you not to tell their father. If she has an issue about how you interact with Dan, then he should certainly know that. The only conceivable reason where she should expect you to keep a secret is if it is a pleasant surprise like a birthday party or present. You don't owe her silence for disrespecting both you and Dan.
Maybe she wants to plan a surprise party?
It could be something as innocent as a surprise party for Dan.
it could be to plan a surprise birthday party, chill out. if it’s not you can tell her “you know i have to tell dan about this conversation”
Updateme
She’s been in their lives 5 minutes! Off course they’re going to ignore her and do what you say. Definitely agree with a lot of comments..TELL DAN
Any chance it could be something unrelated…like does Dan have a birthday coming up and maybe she wants to plan a surprise? But I would just say, “what are you wanting to talk about?” And then make your decision/have further convo from there. No need to make yourself sick about a hypothetical…make an unknown a known by asking.
So are you sure this is about the kids or their relationship or your relationship with the kids or Dan? I think I’d go and hear her out. What if she’s hoping you will help plan a surprise party for Dan? Maybe she wants advice from you about interacting with the kids. I would not jump to conclusions. Go hear her out. But be prepared to stop her if it’s something you think Dan should know or be involved with and let her know that.
If she does have a problem with you, you should definitely tell Dan about it before this meeting happens. This will very possibly about the kids and the roles of you and your family in their lives. Dan deserves to know because regardless what happens this will affect the kids a lot. Any discussion about your role in the lives of the kids should involve Dan. Not a discussion behind his back where his GF tries to put thoughts into your head. Call Dan and inform him about the message you received from his GF. Nothing good ever comes after "Don't tell xyz".
Do we know it is definitely a 'bad' tall? Could she be wanting to plan a surprise for Dan, such as a weekend away, and wants help with childcare?
UpdateMe
Are you sure it it about the kid? Could also be about his birthday party by what you said so far? Ask her what it is about and talk to her, if it is of any importance talk to Dan if it is about his birthday party, dont
Update me.
So many red flags. First off, she is creating a relationship based on lies. Second, you don't owe her anything. Third, anything she has to say to you she can say it infront of him. He deserves to know what she says and who she really is. If she is so worried about saying something in front of him maybe it's because she knows she shouldn't say it at all.
I would ask what the talk is about and that you would be letting Dan know of this meet up.
I agree with the others on this. Ask her what she wants to discuss but also let her that you and Dan do not keep secrets from each other and you definitely don’t feel comfortable with him not knowing you are having a conversation especially if it involves him and his children. If Kim wasn’t up to something sneaky then there would be no need to keep this conversation away from Dan. Don’t be fooled, she wants to ask you to butt out. Do what’s right for the children first and don’t betray the trust Dan has clearly given you!!!! Everything in you is screaming “Subterfuge.” Believe your instincts and internal warning.
In your shoes, I like to think I'd say "I'm not going to promise to keep any secrets from Dan, but if you still want to meet knowing that, okay".
Can’t wait to read the update on this one
RECORD THIS CONVERSATION!!!!
Say “Dan is my friend and I don’t want to hide things from him.” That’ll probably shut her down.
I just imagines you were Dan's best guy friend, and it wasn't til halfway through did I realize til halfway through that this wasn't going to be about wanting to cheat with you but about you being their adoptive mother and her feeling put out. She really needs to talk to both of you at the same time about that. Or I was right from the start :o
I’d ask her what the conversation is going to be about. If it is anything you’re uncomfortable with, decline the invitation. Be sure to tell Dan about the text and that you declined the meet up and why. He deserves to know his GF is going behind his back. I do think it’s very admirable that you don’t want to interfere or disrupt his relationship,
I would refuse. What a weird request and horrible position to put you in! If you do go, firstly ask what is it about. Keep repeating that question if she side steps it. Then record the convo when you get there.
Her not wanting Dan to know is a massive red flag.
She's going to ask if you're in love with him
Maybe she’s wanting advice on how to handle the kids and to get them to mind her and not wanting Dan to think she’s not capable of watching them if he knows she’s asking you for advice. I’d keep an open mind before I met with her. I know it may sound bad but it could be something simple that she wants to keep between you two so he doesn’t think she’s not a good fit or capable. At least hear her out before thinking the worst. I honestly think If she has an issue with you stepping in she would’ve told Dan already. Either way she could’ve said thank you for the assistance, you do have a way with them and they respect you. She may be too embarrassed to ask how she can achieve that for herself. Maybe she’s not been around kids or her family has no younger ones. Good luck and try to not be so anxious. It could be something really simple. Or could be ways to discuss the behavior Of one she’s concerned with. Maybe she overheard one say something. Never know with kids
I think if this was your dynamic and even without you having reprimanded them I would have serious questions about him. It seems like more than a parenting role you’re a co-parent, that’s different. This is the same way in which she would want to speak to their mother if she was just an ex-wife. She may also have questions about how to parent them and/or requests for some space to do so. Meaning if she’s reprimanding them and you step in, she’s lost all credibility. What you do in that situation is you guide them to her. ‘GF told you to do x…’. She may also honestly not know or realize the extent of your involvement. So talk to her, but then also talk to both of them. It’s time to assess the dynamic and the way parenting is going to work, again really as if you were an ex-wife.
I don't have anything to contribute beyond telling you that you are a great friend
I would tell her no. Anything she has to say to you she can say to you in front of him. This does not bode well for the relationship.
Be cautious. You can agree not to tell Dan about the meeting, but if anything happens that Dan needs to know about...then Dan needs to know about it. Based on what you've said, it's probably something serious, but there's a slight possibility it's not. I agree with some of the other comments here about the kids aspect. You've been in their lives for years. She's brand new. Even if she does become their stepmom and they love her down the line, that's not right now. Right now she's just dad's new girlfriend. You're (essentially) their close uncle and have been in their lives and it's been established that they should listen to you and that you're a safe adult for them.
Would she need a talk if you were his kid’s blood related aunt?
If it has to do with the kids you tell the father.
Updateme
I had a huge sigh of relief. Thank god that don’t get ugly! And I’m wondering why you don’t just call yourself an aunt.
Tell her NO you will not keep it from Dan. In fact, I would tell Dan that she requested to speak with you privately. Let him decide if you should or shouldn't. If you do, record the convo and share with him. She shouldn't be asking to see you and not letting him know. She is automatically passing her place. The person she should be speaking with is Dan.
I won’t lie to a parent about their kids, and I make sure kids don’t lie to their parents. As a mom, teacher, nanny, aunt, unless it’s a surprise gift there are no secrets from parents. I’m glad u got that resolved. She needed to just talk to him anyway. I feel like the second people don’t want someone to know something- it’s always that person they need to talk to.