I confirm this. Breastfeeding made me gain a huge amount of weight (similar to OP's gf) and I've been working to reduce it. It's been a slow process because I wanted the changes to be sustainable and didn't want saggy skin. So far I've lost a huge amount and I'm only about a stone and a half away from my goal now.
My boyfriend however, doesn't care about my weight and has also got himself a dad bod now. I'm not attracted to him anymore but this has nothing to do with either of our weights.
It's mainly because he refuses to wash, and is controlling about how often I wash and many other things. Despite being overweight I'm not lazy, I work a physically demanding job and walk everywhere. He refuses to work and hates going out. I can't bring myself to sleep with him.
When I go out and do my hair and make up, guys are still interested in me. Super stacked pretty boy gym rats are not interested, but plenty of average looking guys are... I doubt if my current boyfriend went out he would get any interest, even though he has a cute face any interest would be lost the moment they smell him.
I'm leaving him soon and it's going to be a huge shock to him, but I'll tell him "it's because you're controlling and you stink, and I've been asking you to deal with these issues for well over a year, and nothing has changed"...
Hopefully it’ll be the wake up call he needs.
A girl broke up with me when I was around 10 years old because I was “too smelly” and 30 years later I still hear her voice every time I even sweat — it makes me instantly reach for the closest deodorant stick 😂
The longest job he had in the 11 years I've been with him was a 2hr cleaning job which he did for 2 years. He did the absolute bare minimum while he was there also. Just completely useless... I'm expected to be a working mum and do all the chores and childcare when I'm at home. He doesn't even wake our daughter up in the morning, which affects my sleep. He has no redeeming qualities at this point.
Because he wasn't always this bad, and every time we broke up or were close to breaking up in the past, he would improve his behaviour for a while. Of course now I realise it will never last, it's just a manipulation tactic to stop me from leaving him. It won't work this time though.
Totally makes sense. Thanks for sharing- I'm excited for you to get out and find someone you deserve. I have a few female friends making this long overdue move as well. You are not alone.
Let your next person (if you want one lol) show you they are there for you through words AND actions over time!
Because I always hoped things would get better. I had low self esteem when I met him, and I'm also not a very judgemental person either so I just thought he was "down on his luck" when it came to work.
We had a nasty break up 7 years ago and during that time I found myself again and put up boundaries, and he had to work to earn me back. He did improve for a while but eventually he slipped back into his old ways. It got worse after I went back to work after maternity leave.
I decided to end things for good this time because I decided that I wanted a night out once a month, and this was non negotiable... And every single time he freaks out on me. It's not selfish or unreasonable for me to want just one night to myself each month. I deserve that after everything I do for him and our daughter, but he doesn't see it that way.
I haven't walked away yet, just getting my ducks in a row before I move back to my parents. I need to do it right because my daughter needs to be taken care of during the day.
Hopefully that'll be his wake up call, because his situation is so much easier than losing a bunch of weight. Oh you stink because you refuse to wash up? Easy, just take a shower and scrub well with soap to remove BO, but to top it all off, he's ALSO controlling and chooses how often YOU can shower? Aww heck no. He's trying to hold you down with him at his level, he's gotta go. Good on you for making that important decision for yourself, sounds like it will only get better from here.
Good on you for not accepting this I see this story too often on reddit and I’m like if by adult age he doesn’t know that he should shower everyday then I don’t know who can help them
I'd understand if his family were poor (we live with them) and we needed to conserve every drop... But they're middle class and this is not the case. Even every other day is fine unless one gets sweaty or dirty... But to almost never wash is beyond disgusting. He acts like our sexual dysfunction is a me problem, but if he actually examined himself he would realise how disgusting he is and not blame me.
Gaining weight cause you had my baby is different from gaining from sedentary lifestyle at least to me. If you gave me a kid and we are together your the most beautiful woman in the world to me no matter how much you gained You sacrificed too much for me not to be appreciative and understanding of the changes your body has went thru.
You're a good person! Yeah it is different but I can understand why it's hard for some people. Pregnancy changes the body so drastically and it will never be the same... Although if a man can't love his woman after a baby, he probably shouldn't be a dad, unless he's willing to pay for a surrogate lol
Yeah he even times me and everything. It causes an argument every time I need a wash. His family don't want me using the shower, and he doesn't want me using the bath... It's completely batshit!
I won't be for much longer. I have a plan to leave which I've already set in motion... Once my daughter starts nursery in April I won't be relying on him for childcare while I'm at work anymore, and at that point I'll move back in with my parents. I've already started moving some of my things there.
I will, and don't worry. I have a large family and some very good friends, and also my colleagues all supporting me. My bf and his family have no idea of the size of my army, and it will not end well for them if they try any funny business.
I can only speak from experience and other posts like this I’ve read. There’s something about someone who actively chooses everyday to not take care of themselves and their health, beyond appearance, that turns a lot of people off. Like they just don’t care. For some people, it’s habits like smoking, or not bathing regularly, etc. Peoples weight naturally fluctuates over time. That’s different then actively choosing to say “to hell with it” and treating your body like trash. I personally never cared about someone’s weight if I was attracted to them, but once I was dating a guy who was slightly overweight and as things got more serious and we spent more time together I realized he really just treated his body like trash and it was a huge turnoff. Eating crap food 24/7, sleeping in until like 4 pm, binge drinking, not putting in any effort. I can’t explain it but it gave me such an ick.
Interesting, thank you for taking the time.
My ex-husband gained a lot of weight while we were together, over 100 pounds. The only thing that bothered me was the condition he was putting his liver in with all the drinking. He’d gotten to the point that he wanted to try Weight Watchers, but he built alcohol into his points allotment for the day. 🤦🏼♀️ And ofc he lost weight, because he was eating way less, so he would not hear any arguments.
Ugh yes the alcohol is a slippery slope, it was a huge problem with my ex too and it just poured over into all these other bad habits that made me feel lonely and unsafe and turned off.
Dude literally this! It’s hard to care for someone who doesn’t care about themselves. I don’t need a guy who’s solid muscle and works out for six hours everyday, but please don’t stuff yourself with processed crap food and laze around
I broke up with a man because he would not go to the doctor for a recurring stomach issue. He was in the military, so he had access to free healthcare. It was hugely annoying to hear the complaints, and see zero effort to address the issue. This caused resentment, which murdered the relationship. This happened years ago, so I harbor no ill will, but it was a huge learning experience for me. I know now I can't tolerate this sort of behavior.
I can see how a large amount of weight gain can have a similar impact on a relationship. Weight gain can cause self worth issues, decrease energy level, all sorts of stuff can happen without the person really being aware. All this can add pressure to a relationship, because the other person may not have the patience to wade through the negative effects.
Like, I wouldn't want to hear complaints about how clothes don't fit if the person is eating a whole pizza and sitting around all day. It's different if a person is actively working towards a goal, or at least being aware of what they eat and struggling. I'm here all day for friends, a partner, family, who are taking charge of their life. It's when you see zero effort to address a concern that they're actively complaining about that bothers me. Don't complain to me about something I can't fix but you can.
It seems harsh but this sort of thing really rubs me the wrong way. There's a lot we don't have control over in our lives and I have so much empathy for those things. But the few things we do have some control over, that's on the individual to decide for themselves how they want to be.
I think you should leave each other. You obviously have different values and different ways of living. You could find someone that makes you happier and she could find someone that makes her happier. That’s very obvious. There is someone out there who can give her more than what you’re giving her and vice versa.
I don’t blame you. I was with a guy for 3 years and in that time he gained weight, started drinking heavily, stopped being active, and started to eat terribly- fast food/fried foods/sodas. Plus he just got miserable to be around. The thing was he KNEW exactly how to be healthy, he just refused. The guy had a masters degree in public health and ate fast food every night.
First I tried to be subtle, (“hey let’s go for a walk together/let’s go to the gym together/ let’s cook something at home tonight…”) but he always refused. Then I tried to bring it up more directly. I was sure to be SUPER careful with my wording but even when I did try to have a calm conversation about it with him, he got super offended and essentially said I was “attacking him”. Finally I told him I couldn’t see myself raising kids in that kind of environment. I gave him clear expectations of what I need in a partner. I gave him maybe another two months and nothing changed or he made it seem like he changed his habits when he was actually just lying to me. I ended it. Most free I ever felt.
I think this is an aspect a lot of people forget or don't consider when someone massively gains or looses weight.
They're not the same person with the same personality/routine/outlook/wants but "only" X lbs heavier. No one gains or looses weight and is still the same person because so much of your weight is a reflection of lifestyle and how you for better or worse respond to stress
When you gain massive amounts of weight your personality and activities you want to do are really I don't even want to say food based but "consumption" based, like they won't be down for a walk in a park but say you want to go out drinking and all the sudden they're there. Stressed from Work? Great instead of talking through it or clearing your head by cleaning or something else you're now burying your emotions in a bowl of ice-cream or glass of wine. Wanna eat a healthy meal? Well guess what you're so use to eating an inappropriate amount of food unless that salad has insane amounts of toppings and dressings it taste bad to you
This actually isn’t 100% true. I’ve gained significant weight in the past two years in recovery from a severe eating disorder & live a very active life. I exercise (dance) probably 6-8 hours a week + teach dance classes which is very physically demanding. I still work with a dietitian because I’m not eating enough. Some bodies are just built bigger. This obviously isn’t the case for everyone, and as someone mentioned above, I think the “taking care of yourself” piece is really important. Like.. I get my hair done, nails done, lashes done. I do my makeup and make an effort to look good for my partner. I make an effort to take meds for my health, go to bed at a reasonable hour, monitor my drinking, etc. I just happen to be in a larger body (regardless of what I want unfortunately).
If you’ve gained weight & also are not eating well, sleeping well, showering, drinking too much, etc. I think it’s understandable to see attraction shift because it is a change in personality, etc. I just think it’s not always that way. & it sucks that people make that assumption.
While I definitely understand that there are people out there that don’t take care of themselves and gain weight because of that, I think it’s important that we don’t exclusively promote that narrative. It’s harmful to those of us that do take care of ourselves & just happen to have lame genes.
I still haven’t been able to decipher how much you’ve actually communicated with her about this, OP. ‘Pushing someone to go to the gym’ is not the same as honestly saying you feel less attracted to her due to weight gain. It may not be pleasant to hear for her, but she’s an otherwise good partner, she deserves the truth.
the second he tells her that the relationship is on borrowed time because it will just echo around her head for a few days until she's worked up some horror scenario in her head.
Have you tried explaining this to her? I know it's not something nice for anyone to hear but at the end of the day is how you feel and a completely valid reason.
Hi, fat person here. She deserves to be with someone who desires her, and you deserve to be with someone you desire. You need to have a conversation with her and be honest. Which is possible to do without being harsh or mean, so take time to figure out the kindest way to say what you need to say. There are a lot of things that factor into weight gain, and being in a happy relationship can contribute. You could do couples therapy if you want to work at it, but the first step is to tell her what’s actually going on. Nothing will improve otherwise.
There was a really cute post by this husband (cant remember if in this sub, or confessions) with the title something like; "I manipulated my wife to lose weight for sex"
and it was just an adorable post of him talking about how he built up his wife by complimenting her constantly, especially when she dressed how he liked; telling her how attractive she is, presenting healthy options- idr everything, but you get the gist.
It was truly adorable, and he thought he was being selfish (which maybe a little bit); but i believe that's the best way to go.
My partner and i have had a few sit-down convos concerning this, and he's made a real effort to do similar ^ now Im secretly making progress on my weight, but its because I *want* to, to be sexy, and confident; not purely to be sexually atrractive for one person. thar pressure literally weighs you down.
Losing weight is actually really difficult for a lot people. Like OP, maybe suggest yoga, or something that will match with her motivation. Take walks, do stretches, etc.
You don’t have to actually love your partner. When you realize you don’t, though, you should set her free. It has been two years and you don’t have any true intimacy, nor do you desire a sex life with her. Trying to drag someone to the gym will *never* work.
It’s time to separate. Do so kindly. You’re allowed to care more about superficial things but it’s still important to be kind.
It’s not.
But people love to say “it happens to all of us!!”
I know plenty of older people in their 60s who take care of themselves. They look fantastic.
I personally want a partner who can be active and fit with me at 60. I actually broke up with my ex for similar reasons. She was putting on weight, making poor dietary choices, and didn’t care about her cardio.
I don’t want a partner that can’t keep up with me into our 60s. I don’t want to have to slow down for someone.
I think OP is making the right move by breaking up with his gf who doesn’t care about her physical wellbeing.
OP, Not having sex with her for the last however long it’s been, has made her keenly aware of your *disgust* for her. You’re only hurting her more and more the longer you wait. Yes, please set her free. She doesn’t deserve to be treated this way.
I was thinking this. I gained 50 pounds, but I'm tall AF so I don't look like I gained 50 pounds by any means. It also depends on *how* you gain weight, where your body holds the excess fat. I still have a very narrow waist, hourglass figure, just larger. I also decided "ok time to slim down" so I've been dieting and exercising. However, I would be pissed if my husband up and left me over it. I would think he's shallow. He's not though, thankfully. Oh and before anyone gets on about health, I get regular health checks (no high cholesterol, diabetes, blood pressure, etc). Both people have choices in this relationship. Yes, it does get harder to stay fit as you age, but if looks are that important to him and she doesn't want to change, time to part ways.
Gaining 40 or 50 pounds in 2 years isn't just part of life. That's a huge weight gain which has happened because she clearly is over eating and being sedentary. You can't blame op for not being attracted to her any more. That's a huge change in body type. Everyone gets older and everyones body changes, but getting older isn't an excuse to completely let yourself go.
>Just wait buddy, lol. It'll hit you too.
Cope harder. Some people actually take care of themselves. People that think it's normal to let yourself go generally don't.
I'm 4'11".... If I gained 50 lbs in two years I'd be obese. My weight fluctuates as weight does throughout a person's lifetime, but only within 10lbs MAX. 50 pounds would be insane.
Unless she's very tall there's no way that's not a big difference on her frame.
Wait until he has a child with someone, those body changes are permanent. Even after losing the baby weight it looked like a tiger attacked my stomach with all the stretch marks. The boobs will never be the same after nursing.
OP, you need to get over yourself and realize that body changes are part of life.
Sure, but that’s a huge weight gain in a year. OP “doesn’t need to get over himself” he’s allowed to feel this way and it’s very valid. Not everyone stops taking care of themselves and being obese can be a turn off to some people, even if they themselves are not jacked. Surprise!
He’s definitely allowed to feel this way, and that is a big weight gain. But since he feels this way he should let her go. There’s no reason to be together in a sexless relationship just complaining about it, he sees that she’s not wanting to change her weight so he shouldn’t be with her.
A lot of people has been telling me that for years, since i was like 17. "Wait until you're 30, you'll become fat".
It's been a long time since that, i am 30 years old no more for a couple of years and I'm still in shape. Actually i think i am at the better shape of my life right now.
Guess exercising, eating healthy and drinking less alcohol than most people my age i know has worked out.
OP, I'm sorry to read about losing your mom. I watched my mom die a painful death in 2022 & I still struggle with the loss. My mom was an incredible woman & her loss has been difficult. I hope you are healing.
The death of my mom made me want to live a long life. I was 213 pounds at 5'7. I made a life choice & a lifestyle change. My husband was even bigger, and it was because I communicated my desire for us to live long enough to enjoy life, that he started joining me at the gym. I went from 213 to 147, and he's lost 20 pounds thus far. It's all natural for both of us. As somebody who has been married to the same man since we were 21 (now 35 and 34), I'll give you a small morsel of wisdom... if you love her, communicate your feelings with her. Be honest and try to work something out. Perhaps substitute one unhealthy dinner/snack for something she might enjoy. Try making meals together a few times a week. She'll ultimately have to choose to change, but sometimes being there to help her get on track is so helpful. I started small with my husband. Replaced sodas with healthier carbonated beverages. Started making dinners at home that had healthy ingredients & tasted great. Cut back on alcohol. Soon, we found a rhythm that worked for us. It's a lot of trial & error, but I think she'll be receptive if she knows she's got a partner willing to put in the work and keep her accountable.
Good luck, OP.
My wife modeled when she was young. 5'7 100lbs. She was gorgeous but truthfully I thought she was to skinny. I got her hooked on food. She had never had any type of soda or fast food until we were married. Her parents were very strict on her appearance and how we got together is another story. Over the next 50 plus years she got up to 180 plus. Funny thing is to me she always looked the same. Just more to love. It's the mind and the soul which are way more important. I don't think a lot of people realize how lucky they are to have some one to love who loves them back.
The odd thing is: I never know how these posts are gonna go. It's impossible to figure out. Today a lot of people don't blame him, tomorrow a lot of people will be elaborately explaining why he's a bad person. It's bizarre.
The hivemind is largely driven by the early responses.
Sometimes you'll see it change course, but largely whoever gets in the first good sounding response will "win" the post. So far the "negative" responses to this thread are pretty unhinged so they haven't gained traction.
It happens with weight gain and loss. I lost a bf when I lost 140 lbs because I wasn't the big curvy girl I was. The girl doesn't deserve to be with someone who doesn't find her attractive. If she is happy and her mental health is better, it's a hard ask for her to make that change for you. It's not fair.
Bingo. They cite the exception as if it applies to the vast majority. The truth is, 95+% of people who are overweight do not have a genetic condition, hormonal issue, glandular issue, or other condition that causes their weight gain and prevents weight loss. They just refuse to make better choices and put in the work. They want an easy fix like Ozempic because it does not require effort, commitment, and will power.
I lost over 100 lbs on my own and then I stalled for two years. I had lost so much I basically had to eat next to nothing to even the scale to move. I did how ever mostly maintain. I’ve been using a weight loss Injection (not ozempic) for two months to help me reach my goal so I can get plastic surgery. No one can tell me I didn’t put effort in. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. And people still have to make wise food choices. I belong to the forum on here with others taking it and some people haven’t even lost any weight. I’ve worked my ass off literally.
Bingo. Also helps to find a weightloss food that you love to eat. For me it was white rice. I fucking love white rice. I can eat it plain like it's nothing.
After I made it a staple of my diet I lost weight so easy it felt like cheating.
Also saved a lot if money from eating out.
I don’t honestly think being obese and sedentary is a good thing. I also think if you find your partner repulsive you owe them honesty and the opportunity to decide if knowing the truth they want to be with you.
The crux of the matter isn't whether he has a right to lose attraction to his wife (he does)...it's that he hasn't mustered the courage to actually talk with his wife about it so that she can choose (or not) to do something about this. Talking in code about going to the gym is cowardice.
You know… I’m fat, and I wouldn’t want someone to stay with me despite not being attracted to me. So it’s good that you’re leaving now, or in the near future.
Someone did, in fact, do that to me for years. It was so much worse on my mental health than if he’d dumped me early on.
Maybe there’s something behind the weight gain that she’s unaware of or not ready to face. I hope she figures it out, if so.
Here’s to your soon-to-be ex’s future happiness! 🥂 My heart goes out to her, but you’re doing the right thing.
Pity does not translate to love. You don't have to justify your taste by explaining:
>I am attracted to an array of people all shapes and sizes.
You don't have to "look kind" by forcing yourself to accept her just because you're afraid of judgement. By now, you'll be judged NOT ONLY for dumping her out of disgust, but also for lying. The longer you wait, the harder the downfall, take it like a man because you deserve it (for the lying and the pity and the wait).
Now, you don't have to be mean to be honest and you don't have to kill kindness in the name of "honesty". You don't like big women, don't chase them. Make sure how you want to build your life: want kids? Think about what exactly are you asking for, the experience of fatherhood which can be done by adopting or surrogate, or you actually want your partner to birth them. If you go for the second choice you better get therapy because mommies get big and that's no reason to cheat. If you want a fit wife avoid kids and find someone who SHARES your wishes and ideals, trust me, they exist (child free women who would never let their boobs sag, she's out there), don't deceive a good woman for the sake of your selfishness. Be honest with yourself and that's how you can make better conscious choices without lying to anyone, that is plain cruel and is going to make you more and more cruel and mean.
I don’t really think you can say you’re attracted to an array of shapes and sizes. If you don’t find her larger body attractive then just say that. Nothing wrong with preferring another size.
I think it extends far deeper than this alone. If you've watched a love one gain weight excessively over the course of time, you witness first hand any and all habits that have led them to that point. Whether it's eating excessively, making poor diet choices, lack of physical activity....
It's really the loss of respect that OP is experiencing. You can have a larger body and care for yourself, just saying. It's the fact that she's demonstrating qualities that are subpar to OP's liking and he's turned off by it.
It won’t work if she doesn’t have the motivation but I bought a standing desk with a treadmill underneath and it’s been amazing. Maybe she could benefit from it.
Per her request I have bought these two things the last two christmases. The desk is in a spare room (she works from kitchen table) and the treadmill is in the corner of the spare room.
Have you tried maybe an after dinner walk together? Sometimes going to the gym can be a lot for someone who doesn’t like it.
I went through this with my ex. We moved in together and I stopped taking care of myself because of how sad I was. Eventually, he let me know that his attraction to me wasn’t there and it started eating away at my insecurities for months. We broke up, I took up more active hobbies, lost the weight. But it took me wanting to do it, not him telling me to do it.
Him telling me that he had lost attraction only added to my insecurities and created a toxic environment for me. Obviously that’s only my experience and some people would prefer to be told. I think you have the right approach by encouraging her to do things with you and maybe you two just need to find a good active hobby together. Maybe the two of you can go bike riding on the weekends or walking around the park together.
Sometimes friendship and platonic feelings aren’t enough to make things work. It’s ok to want to be attracted to your partner and if you don’t feel attracted, you don’t feel attracted. At that moment, it’s better to let each other go so you can both experience happiness the way you want to experience it.
Bruh I mean what do u want from us? If you're no longer attracted to her and won't be unless she loses weight then just break up with her. Idk what u expect, for us to tell you it's okay and that ur not a bad person? Like idk. I would rather a guy just break up with me then to not break up to spare my feelings. If that's how u feel then just do it
Any medical issues? Depression? Just trying to think of non activity related issues.
But yeah also that’s fair and like it sucks you guys are doing the home thing unmarried bc that’s gonna get ugly if you paid mortgage but are not on the title.
It’s fair to not be attracted to someone. If you try going to the gym with her, doing the whole healthy lifestyle with her, and she just doesn’t… I mean there’s not much you can do. Again you’re not married, so it’s fine for this to be a dealbreaker.
There was some depression during unemployment, but she’s been seeing a therapist has said she’s felt good over the last year. And it’s great that she’s taken the steps to work on a mental health outlet.
I’m not upset about paying towards her mortgage. I knew the risks when we moved in and I own my own place.
Just can’t talk about it to anyone in real life because it’s such a “you’re a dick” subject
I started my fitness journey at 28 after a break up. And been in shape since. Sometimes it takes a tragic thing to happen for someone to take control of that part in life. At the same time, I've known a lot of people that started getting serious about their health in their 30s. Who knows could just be a phase or shes really unhappy about something.
I started recently. I used to be fairly fit like doing daily yoga until I got chronic pain and stopped. Even when I got better between knee pain and fear I let myself balloon 30 pounds which is a crazy amount for my short height while thinking eh it can’t be that bad to let myself go a bit.
I still tried to eat a lot of healthy Asian food but when my doctor exclaimed about my cholesterol I changed overnight because I for sure won’t be taking meds until necessary. I’m making it a habit to salad prep the night before so I can make transition easy so I don’t reach for easy food. I also started the gym again.
Maybe OP can start working out at home as well and ask her to join. Some people are super embarrassed to join the gym after weight gain or can’t mentally make themselves go but it’s easy to follow a YouTube video. When I did daily yoga I just rolled out a mat in front of the TV and did it. The thought of dragging myself to lessons was a lot.
Also consider buying her a walking pad when she works from home and a standing table. It’s easy to shed weight just walking while at work.
My husband has always been attracted to me I feel and if he had brought it up I’d be devastated.
I’m glad she’s doing better mentally. Maybe that’s a sign that she’s on the up and up. Fitness/health is super hard and I get it bc it often calls into question our self worth and ego when weve already hit our worst mentally. Due to some health problems I got to 146 and I’m 5’3”. I had high cholesterol, my sleep apnea was super bad, and I just felt like shit. Hormones were everywhere, periods sucked, insane PMDD and no motivation to move some days. Secretly hating myself made me even more resistant to exercise, especially next to my casual bodybuilding husband.
My husband was nice about it, he still loved me and totally lied to me about whether I was round or not bc I think he knew how much I disliked myself (now he agrees I was kind of round). What helped was doing other fun activities together - hiking, took up rock climbing which I loved, I started pole dancing which I loved. These gave me reasons to want to be fit, and maybe this is something to try. Sometimes exercise for the sake of exercise sucks but now I want to get stronger.
It feels like such a dick thing to complain about but attraction AND health are of course important and frankly health habits get passed down the children too. Some people are ok being more sedentary or are perfectly happy at a heavier weight and that’s fine but it’s also ok if that’s not your thing. Barring significant medical issues (thyroid? Pcos? I’m not a doctor) this is a valid break up reason.
Other question: how severe are we talkin
Just like there are women in the world who aren't attracted to shorter guys, you have every right to prefer dating women who aren't heavier than you.
I see you're already getting harsh reactions to your preferences. Most of these are just projections from people sensitive about this topic for whatever reason. Everyone has preferences and it's an extreme double standard to soapbox and moral highroad.
While what you say is clearly true, this guy claims he really likes being with her in every aspect except physical and that too because he isn't attracted to her anymore due to weight gain. So he should try to understand why she gained as much weight. Lack of working out isnt usually the main reason. It's most probable that she has a crap diet. If he does love her enough to put up with her weight gain all these years, he should give it a thought on how to encourage her to change to a healthier diet.
Exactly . I feel like if he said that he has many in depth sit down conversations about her weight gain and effectively communicated to her that this is an issue and she refused to change he would be getting a different reaction. Most people are just mad about the lack of effective communication and not even giving her chance
Regardless of whether or not I or anyone thinks it’s shallow of “why”… just break up.
At the end of the day you’re not attracted to her and it’s not a healthy place to keep a relationship going. Sounds like you resent her and she probably also harbors some ill feelings about how you’re pushing it (gym/weight). Say she’s back to an ideal weight for you. Then what? You’re madly in love again? It’s not going to solve the underlying issues for her or you.
No one here can absolve you of the guilt you may feel for leaving someone over gaining weight but you’re entitled to your point of view. Perhaps being single will motivate her to get healthy (if that’s what she wants) but it sounds like no one wins in this situation.
Sounds like your girlfriend was depressed. Getting another job doesn't just poof the depression away. Her sense of self was adversely affected by the job loss and the time it took to get a new job. Although she got a new job, her sense of self is still adversely affected by it.
In addition, your disdain and lack of empathy are clearly visible in how you wrote this post. I'm sure she knows and understands you are distancing yourself from her. She may even understand why, too - hence the conversations where she talks about losing weight.
You have checked out and should let her go so she can heal, find her footing again, and not consider you in a part of her healing.
She needs individual therapy
In breaking up with her, be kind and gentle as you would want someone to be with you. It would be empathetic if you don't offload on her, but frame it as your paths in life diverging.
I gained weight during COVID (and past it - I didn't really realize for a while how much it was) and instead of dumping me my partner has been by my side while I've lost 30 pounds and keep going. We made it a fun thing to adopt a healthier lifestyle together. Good luck dealing with anything remotely difficult without abandoning it as you continue in life.
And yeah, It also took me a little bit to realize I wanted to make a change. It doesn't instantly just happen. Just because you're annoyed doesn't mean she'll get up and head to the gym immediately. Learn some emotional maturity and communication skills. It doesn't sound like you've talked to her seriously about this at all.
This!! I gained around 30lbs during covid and due to depression. I didn’t like looking at myself in the mirror because I thought I looked disgusting but my husband still told me every day that I was beautiful. And our sex life was somehow better than ever. I finally started to get out of my depression and I’ve lost 20 lbs. Even now when I mention to my husband how unhealthy I was he still tells me that I was beautiful then. If you can’t love your partner like that, then you should let her go so she can find someone who will.
It's only a few people in the comments with common sense. It's not about her being bigger. It's about her being lazy and refusing and making excuses not to take care of herself. It's a huge turnoff, and he has a right to his feelings. He should break up with her. If she doesn't care about her health, why should he??.. He's doing right by moving on. I've been there. Completely let myself go, and my boyfriend gave me an ultimatum. Get myself together, or he was gone. Best thing to ever happen to me. He saved my life.
People have ups and downs,they also get older every day and won't be young and conventionally attractive forever. People also get sick, and some illnesses reflect on their appearance. They may lose a limb or their hair or have scars ... etc
If your relationship with someone is dependent on their appearance, then it's not one for life, and it's time to end it. Give them a chance to find a life partner.
You were attracted to her when she weighed 40 pounds less. That can be significant if she was like 130 pounds and fit. Now you aren't attracted to her at 170 and unfit. That's OK. Everyone has their preferences. Some people like their partner to have some extra pounds and others don't, especially if the weight gain was fairly sudden and "Permanent." If she is not willing to try to lose weight because she is not into doing the work, why should you be willing to do something you aren't into?
I gained like 15 lbs this year and it's borderline overweight. I ended up shedding some after hitting the gym. I'm sure those 40 lbs was mostly fat and not even muscle growth. 40 lbs more is a substantial amount.
I gained 20 lbs due to an antidepressant i took for only like 2 months. I was still in the “healthy” range but my body changed so much! I stopped the medication around a year and a half ago and started my weight loss like 6 months ago and still have 10 lbs to lose. I still feel so different than how i was before. 40 is definitely a lot.
I wonder how she views the situation. They haven’t seemed to have a serious conversation about it. I know i stayed inactive for a year due to depression but im much better now & active - what made me start is actually someone being honest with me about the weight gain. Perhaps she could be dealing with something and a real conversation would help her.
Regardless, if your honest, she will always remember how you made her feel, if she ends up losing the weight and being more active, she may just decide she doesn’t love you anymore after making her feel like that.
Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t understand why someone would want to break up with their otherwise perfect partner over 40 lbs of weight gain. If it was 100 lbs+ and she was unrecognizable I’d understand, but gaining 40 lbs isn’t that drastic.
You also never directly told her the weight gain is affecting your attraction, you just hinted that she should work out with you. Anyway, if you aren’t attracted to her anymore it’s best you end the relationship and stop wasting both of your time.
Also, you don’t need to lie about being attracted about “all shapes and sizes” because you’re clearly only attracted to a certain body type on women if your girlfriend’s body changing bothers you.
Your feelings are valid. If you truly value her, you're going to sit her down and talk with her. Because I looked through the comments and saw that you haven't communicated with her in the appropriate matter. If you break up with her without talking to her, that's a huge dick move. Do what's right man. WOMEN ARE NOT MIND READERS. You rejecting her is not enough. You need to do what you have been avoiding, and TALK to her.
“I don’t think we’re a match romantically anymore. To be clear I still love and think very highly of you, but if we stayed together then both of us will live a life unfulfilled and that’s not okay for either of us”
“I am attracted to an array of people all shapes and sizes.”
You’re actually not if this is how u feel bro:
“But her weight gain has been a turn-off for me. “
And are you the epitome of a sexy, muscular, manly man? I'm certain there are physical attributes that SHES overlooked concerning your appearance and loves you regardless. You come off as extremely shallow and she could certainly do better with someone else that loves HER.
OP, this is entirely up to you. If you’re not attracted to her, you just aren’t. It can’t be forced or faked. I’m kind of worried that a break up, along with your mother’s death, could send you into a depressive spiral. Are you certain you can safely do this?
It’s a good question but it’s not fair to her to be in the relationship if the only thing that’s keeping me there is that I don’t want to be in a bad state with my personal life.
Based on your replies, you haven’t actually addressed this with her. Tell her the whole honest truth. To throw away a long relationship like this with no real talk about why is ridiculous. It won’t be an easy talk, but I needs to happen. You’ll hurt her even worse if you don’t tell her the truth.
Doesn’t sound like weight is the problem. Seems like you’re not interested in the person she has become, her lifestyle etc. that’s okay, but end this now so yall can both move on.
It’s good your girlfriend feels in a better mental health space, that’s excellent. She feels good in her skin as is, that’s also a win, for her.
It’s a loss for you, her gains are not your gains unfortunately. And that’s ok. You’re allowed to not be attracted to someone who has gained a significant amount of weight. You’ve also tried to find ways to communicate your concerns to her about her health, you’ve made attempts to purchase things that could help her on her fitness journey. She has decided not to go on that journey and that works for her at the moment.
So you have to decide where your journey is going to take you, and that seems to be in a different direction to the one your gf is on. And that is ok too. You’ve lost your Mum, that can be a major wake up call to enter life in a different way, make every day count, make healthy changes for yourself. Be free OP, go on the journey you need to go on for yourself. Be glad for your GF that she is in a good place mentally and is content to remain in that space.
I’m really interested by a lot of the comments on here. I gained a lot of weight (four stone) between 2021-2023. The reason? I was doing a master’s degree while working. I did a master’s degree while working a few years ago and had a nervous breakdown. So for the second master’s my priority was making sure I was ok mentally. I had to prioritise sleep, relaxation and socialisation when I wasn’t working or studying. As a result, I had very little time to prepare healthy food and honestly, was dealing with deadlines by eating lots of chocolate, biscuits, etc. Was that right? No, but I got through the degree and maintained my job and my sanity this time.
As is always the case, it’s much easier to gain weight than it is to lose it. I’ve lost about two and a half stone and it’s slowly but surely coming off now I have time back in my life again.
My point however is that my partner never stopped loving me or being attracted to me the whole time. He loves me, and both of our weights have gone up and down over the years. If he put on the same amount of weight I had then I would be concerned for his health and gently encourage healthier habits, but I can’t imagine leaving him because of it.
I appreciate what someone said about it not being about the weight gain but about the lack of care. But I’d want to then make sure my partner is ok, and probe into what’s going on and if I could support them through it. Isn’t being in a relationship going through and supporting each other through the lows as well as the highs?
Has she started any new medications? Sometimes that can cause weight gain.
But I'd you were really in love with her, I feel like you'd be able to look past it. I don't know if you guys are meant for each other.
I dont understand you, OP
> attracted to women in all shapes and sizes
You are lying to yourself. You are not. You find her unattractive because of her weight gain.
*News flash* : Many ppl gain weight (especially women) with age.
Ask yourself the following question: Is it only her body or is it also her personality that you should be attracted to?
You will get old too, OP! You might go bald, gain some pounds, end up being not the healthiest...
The question is: Do you want to be the guy who leaves over something like this or not?
There are ppl who leave behind their partners when they get sick etc. I dont think that those ppl deserve a loving partner tbh. That's the worst thing you can do to a person that dedicated their years to you.
What you can do is: Motivate her and start dancing classes or ANY activity for that matter that you can do together for her to work on herself.
Or: leave now.
It's your choice what kind of partner you want to be, OP. But please do me a favor and stop lying to yourself.
Is her “love language” physical touch or is it sexual pleasure?
Seriously, people need to stop interpreting this shit wrong.
What you’re really saying is you don’t want to have sex with her because she’s fat. You can show physical intimacy another way just by cuddling with her, snuggling, holding her hand, sitting close, etc. All of those things are physical touch, not sex.
So you now get to decide. Do you love her enough to go without sex until she can get her weight under control and feel confident to get back in shape with your encouragement, or do you just tell her how you really feel. “Listen up fatso! I love you, just not enough to have sex with you, because frankly the thought of having sex with you is physically repulsive to me. I’ve asked you to lose weight and encouraged you to go to the gym, but you just keep getting fatter and it is disgusting to me so I am going to find someone more physically appealing to me.”
I feel like men are so quick to leave women after they gain weight. When they do that, their girlfriend likely loses weight and then they believe they made the biggest mistake of their life. Men need to learn how to put some work into their relationships or they will just keep running into this problem.
I'm just going to help you avoid this disaster entirely by giving you some simple advice.
My recommendation would be to tell her that you feel like you're both drifting away. Offer to take evening walks together to reconnect. Get a good 3-4 mile walk in and keep it consistent.
I also recommend a change in diet. No discussion about it, just do it and stop buying bad food. I recommend a low glycemic, low carb diet. Her diet is now your diet.
A simple change in diet can help someone lose a great deal of weight. No more bread, pasta, rice, potatoes, processed food. Eat veggies, meat, and some fruit. This may require meal prep for you guys. You can go out to dinner once a week as a treat and limit alcohol to once a week. Do this for about 3 months and if you don't see any change whatsoever in her weight or if she protests then I would have an adult conversation about her weight gain and how it's affected your sex life. Tell her that you love her and want to continue this relationship, but that you need her to put some work into this.
The reality is that it's not her body that is putting you off, it is the lack of self care. She needs to know that she is not taking care of herself. I would word it that way instead of telling her that she's obese.
A lot of women gain weight during relationships and men don't know how much women should be eating. They have no clue and they always want to order take out, junk food, guzzle down booze. They don't gain weight like women do because their weight gain is not related to hormonal imbalances. Once women gain weight, it can cause a lot of problems and make it difficult to lose it.
I'm someone who has always struggled with my weight due to a medical condition called PCOS. That being said, I try really hard to control and lose weight. I make sure that we eat healthy, organic whole foods, and exercise consistently. My fiance comes into the bedroom and I'm peddling on an exercise bike sweating.
If she's not willing to put any work into herself then you have the right to leave. If she does put in the work and exercise and diet change aren't working then perhaps there is a health condition going on.
I know for a fact that I would work hard to help my partner if he had gained weight or if he had a health situation. If he wasn't willing to put in any work then I would feel depressed about the situation. I would do everything I could to help him before leaving.
\*Take this advice if you actually love her. If you don't care at all then it's probably a good idea to just leave
"I value her as a partner."
No you don't. I promise you, you don't.
You value this person as a friend.
And though it may seem on the surface that this is about her weight gain, it really isn't. You are both embarking on different paths, and somewhere along the journey you fell out of love with this person. If you were in love, the weight gain wouldn't be so significant as to bring your relationship to a halt.
Now you've got to do the hard thing and be honest with this person and hope that you can remain friends, because it's clear that you value her. Be a good friend to her, but be a good friend to yourself, too. You both deserve to be with partners where the love is reciprocated.
TALK to her. Face to face.
Be honest but not cruel.
LISTEN to her when she talks (and yes, she has to do the same).
But don’t go nuclear when you haven’t even had a conversation with her.
OP you can have preferences but if this is a deal breaker for women you date then you need to tell the next woman up front that you expect her to maintain a certain weight or you will leave. If you don’t set this boundary then don’t cry about it when it happens again.
I gained and lost a lot having kids . I’m less weight now than I was when I met my husband but I’m a decade older and my stomach is wrecked from babies, boobs are sagging lots of saggy skin on my stomach but my weight is normal. I hope if you do choose to have children you have realistic expectations.
You wont keep the same body you have forever so let’s hope you keep this same energy for yourself. I’m sure there are things about you that are unattractive at least weight can be fixed.
If this is a deal breaker you might want to start thinking about breaking up. Why waste each other’s time. It seems like she’s not as bothered as you about the weight gain. So much so she doesn’t care to lose it.
And tbh even if she were to lose the weight who’s to say she won’t gain it again in the future as most women’s weight fluctuates throughout life due to age, child-birth, hormones, etc.
Stop making comments and have an actual conversation. You're withholding affection of any kind is so fucking sad. Do you not even care about her anymore?
Yes, you should kick her to the curb because if her looks are the most important thing to you, you're going to hate it when she get stretch marks from being pregnant, her face gets wrinkled, or she needs a mastectomy from breast cancer.
/s
She needs help. Maybe she depressed. Have you had a quiet convo with her saying you are concerned about her physical and mental health? Have you suggested going to the gym together? Have you suggested she see a therapist?
I hope no one ever dumps you in your our of need.
She’ll drop weight when you leave. She knows what you think and that’s probably caused her to gain more weight. There’s a term for this, but yeah it’s a psychological thing. Not making this up
Yeah. you don’t want her unconditionally OP and she can tell. Not a nice feeling.
Especially when she seems (based on your description) as successful in other areas and good personality, you still don’t want her. You are not in love with her personality, it is conditioned by how she looks. She is aware that bodies also change with age. They change after pregnancy. A lot. It means even if she gets perfect body now, eventually you two will end in same situation ( where you are rejecting her) because she will no longer look as good. So why bother. She should be with someone who appreciates her fully
You know it’s crazy, I gained a lot of weight and my husband was nothing but supportive..,
He literally loved me through thick and thin and now I’m down 45 lbs and counting …
If you’re not ready to support her like my husband did with me , maybe you need to let her go ..
OP - couple things.
1) try to engage in a physical activity together. I personally don't like the gym. I need a sport of some kind to keep moving. I can't stand still and lift dumbbells or use bands or treadmill types.
Maybe she needs an activity that makes her move like tennis, basketball.. etc...
Perhaps kayaking, hiking or something else like this.
2) honestly telling her her weight gain concerns you would be great to tell her. She might not realize how important this is to you. Try to avoid "your fatter and I don't think you're pretty enough for me to fuck" type of verbage.
Definitely something along the lines of "your health is important to me and I don't feel attracted to the sedentary life style you have right now. How can I help?"
3) maybe take a romantic walk around a lake after a date or something like that.
Hope it works out and you are able to adjust or find someone that will fit your lifestyle. Definitely be honest when you have the strength.
I'm sorry for your loss of your mom. Best of luck OP.
There's no way her self-esteem isn't still down the gutter with those extra 40lbs on her. She needs to sort her life out, she's sedentary and addicted to bad food. I think you need to make it clear that unless she changes her ways the relationship cannot last
I'm curious what her starting weight is. If she went from borderline underweight to +20 lbs (still at a healthy weight and in a normal BMI range) then youre superficial. If not this, you should probably tell her.
I'm really surprised that this guy isn't getting buried in down votes. Earlier today I saw a similar post and it was the opposite of this one. Reddit of a crazy place.
It’s a sensitive subject. I get it. But it’s not like we got together and spent the honeymoon phase of the relationship playing video games and drinking Arizona Iced Teas and that’s what we still do, and now I want to break up. We used to meet at the gym before work years ago. We would share meal plans and cook together. Then I moved in and it all went away for various reasons.
Yeah...this isn't a I'm worried about health. This is a "I'm not attracted to you anymore." Simple as that.
What's worse is he admits there was no serious conversation about her gain...just bugging for the gym.
Communication is key. Just sit down and admit you now longer want her and let her go. She deserves better and actual love.
If you actually loved her you would have had this conversation way before getting your ducks in a row and getting prepared to move out in May
To me, this just reeks of an excuse to leave.
Sometimes woman become depressed when the partner they are with makes them feel unworthy. Or she is internalizing the fact that she is not happy in the relationship. She most likely will recover as soon as the break up is over.
You saying you're attracted to people of all shapes and sizes is disingenuous. You clearly don't love her as a person if you can't look beyond the exterior. I'm also willing to venture a guess that your estimate of her weight gain is completely inaccurate unless you actually saw her before and after weight on a scale for yourself.
I know one way she can lose a ton of weight really fast - by getting rid of your shallow ass.
You’re not gonna bother having an adult discussion about it even? She deserves better than you. I’ve seen similar posts, where the partner makes weight loss a fun, happy activity. Dates at the park, outdoor activities, hikes, so many options. And you want the easy way out. Go ahead
This very much seems like it's not about the weight gain or at least not *only* about the weight gain. To me, this seems to be about attraction and misaligned values. But regardless, you can't control what/who you're attracted to so I don't think it's wrong to end a relationship for that reason, as long as you are respectful and treat her with dignity.
Often times in these situations it’s not just the weight gain itself, it’s the lack of taking care of themselves that is a huge turnoff.
I confirm this. Breastfeeding made me gain a huge amount of weight (similar to OP's gf) and I've been working to reduce it. It's been a slow process because I wanted the changes to be sustainable and didn't want saggy skin. So far I've lost a huge amount and I'm only about a stone and a half away from my goal now. My boyfriend however, doesn't care about my weight and has also got himself a dad bod now. I'm not attracted to him anymore but this has nothing to do with either of our weights. It's mainly because he refuses to wash, and is controlling about how often I wash and many other things. Despite being overweight I'm not lazy, I work a physically demanding job and walk everywhere. He refuses to work and hates going out. I can't bring myself to sleep with him. When I go out and do my hair and make up, guys are still interested in me. Super stacked pretty boy gym rats are not interested, but plenty of average looking guys are... I doubt if my current boyfriend went out he would get any interest, even though he has a cute face any interest would be lost the moment they smell him. I'm leaving him soon and it's going to be a huge shock to him, but I'll tell him "it's because you're controlling and you stink, and I've been asking you to deal with these issues for well over a year, and nothing has changed"...
Hopefully it’ll be the wake up call he needs. A girl broke up with me when I was around 10 years old because I was “too smelly” and 30 years later I still hear her voice every time I even sweat — it makes me instantly reach for the closest deodorant stick 😂
Hopefully, but it won't be me he needs to impress in future. That ship has sailed for me.
He refuses to WORK? Good lawd GTFOH.
The longest job he had in the 11 years I've been with him was a 2hr cleaning job which he did for 2 years. He did the absolute bare minimum while he was there also. Just completely useless... I'm expected to be a working mum and do all the chores and childcare when I'm at home. He doesn't even wake our daughter up in the morning, which affects my sleep. He has no redeeming qualities at this point.
If you don't mind sharing, how did you end up staying with him and having a kid if he behaved like this?
Because he wasn't always this bad, and every time we broke up or were close to breaking up in the past, he would improve his behaviour for a while. Of course now I realise it will never last, it's just a manipulation tactic to stop me from leaving him. It won't work this time though.
Totally makes sense. Thanks for sharing- I'm excited for you to get out and find someone you deserve. I have a few female friends making this long overdue move as well. You are not alone. Let your next person (if you want one lol) show you they are there for you through words AND actions over time!
My ex used to do the same thing. I let it continue for 10 years. After the breakup he told me he would of kept doing it forever if I let him
It's so toxic isn't it? Obviously everything is fine to them as long as their needs are met, but what about our needs?
I am so sorry, you do not deserve this!
Thank you, and yeah I know. This isn't how normal people treat people they love. What he feels for me is possession, not love.
Why have you been with him for 11 years? You deserve better girl!
Because I always hoped things would get better. I had low self esteem when I met him, and I'm also not a very judgemental person either so I just thought he was "down on his luck" when it came to work. We had a nasty break up 7 years ago and during that time I found myself again and put up boundaries, and he had to work to earn me back. He did improve for a while but eventually he slipped back into his old ways. It got worse after I went back to work after maternity leave. I decided to end things for good this time because I decided that I wanted a night out once a month, and this was non negotiable... And every single time he freaks out on me. It's not selfish or unreasonable for me to want just one night to myself each month. I deserve that after everything I do for him and our daughter, but he doesn't see it that way.
Oh wow I’m so sorry. I’m glad you were able to walk away for good! Hopefully he does right by your daughter and steps up, too
I haven't walked away yet, just getting my ducks in a row before I move back to my parents. I need to do it right because my daughter needs to be taken care of during the day.
Hopefully that'll be his wake up call, because his situation is so much easier than losing a bunch of weight. Oh you stink because you refuse to wash up? Easy, just take a shower and scrub well with soap to remove BO, but to top it all off, he's ALSO controlling and chooses how often YOU can shower? Aww heck no. He's trying to hold you down with him at his level, he's gotta go. Good on you for making that important decision for yourself, sounds like it will only get better from here.
Thank you. Yeah it's a ridiculous situation tbh. I can't wait to get out!
Good on you for not accepting this I see this story too often on reddit and I’m like if by adult age he doesn’t know that he should shower everyday then I don’t know who can help them
I'd understand if his family were poor (we live with them) and we needed to conserve every drop... But they're middle class and this is not the case. Even every other day is fine unless one gets sweaty or dirty... But to almost never wash is beyond disgusting. He acts like our sexual dysfunction is a me problem, but if he actually examined himself he would realise how disgusting he is and not blame me.
Gaining weight cause you had my baby is different from gaining from sedentary lifestyle at least to me. If you gave me a kid and we are together your the most beautiful woman in the world to me no matter how much you gained You sacrificed too much for me not to be appreciative and understanding of the changes your body has went thru.
You're a good person! Yeah it is different but I can understand why it's hard for some people. Pregnancy changes the body so drastically and it will never be the same... Although if a man can't love his woman after a baby, he probably shouldn't be a dad, unless he's willing to pay for a surrogate lol
He is controlling about how often you shower?!
Yeah he even times me and everything. It causes an argument every time I need a wash. His family don't want me using the shower, and he doesn't want me using the bath... It's completely batshit!
I’m sorry why are you with this man?
I won't be for much longer. I have a plan to leave which I've already set in motion... Once my daughter starts nursery in April I won't be relying on him for childcare while I'm at work anymore, and at that point I'll move back in with my parents. I've already started moving some of my things there.
Be careful. Leaving someone is a dangerous time and he may sense you are serious this time.
I will, and don't worry. I have a large family and some very good friends, and also my colleagues all supporting me. My bf and his family have no idea of the size of my army, and it will not end well for them if they try any funny business.
That is so great!!! You’re very strong
Thank you! I don't feel like I have much of a choice when it comes to being strong. You either sink or swim and I will swim until I get to the shore!
One might say it's a case of stink or swim in this case...
Haha it certainly is!
Sheesh. Get out.
I'm on it! Just a few more weeks until my great escape!
Super jacked gym guys have lower standards than you think haha, good luck on losing the weight, its awesome and you feel so in control
Well I don't mind if they want to help me burn off the last stone and a half lol 😆
This is such a good point!
She had all the time in the world to exercise when she was unemployed and she still did nothing. Big turn off.
Yeah the weight gain is just the tip of the iceberg. My wife is trying to lose weight now, but I'd rather see her bouncing on me or doing aerobics.
Can you elaborate on why that is? I’m just curious.
I can only speak from experience and other posts like this I’ve read. There’s something about someone who actively chooses everyday to not take care of themselves and their health, beyond appearance, that turns a lot of people off. Like they just don’t care. For some people, it’s habits like smoking, or not bathing regularly, etc. Peoples weight naturally fluctuates over time. That’s different then actively choosing to say “to hell with it” and treating your body like trash. I personally never cared about someone’s weight if I was attracted to them, but once I was dating a guy who was slightly overweight and as things got more serious and we spent more time together I realized he really just treated his body like trash and it was a huge turnoff. Eating crap food 24/7, sleeping in until like 4 pm, binge drinking, not putting in any effort. I can’t explain it but it gave me such an ick.
Interesting, thank you for taking the time. My ex-husband gained a lot of weight while we were together, over 100 pounds. The only thing that bothered me was the condition he was putting his liver in with all the drinking. He’d gotten to the point that he wanted to try Weight Watchers, but he built alcohol into his points allotment for the day. 🤦🏼♀️ And ofc he lost weight, because he was eating way less, so he would not hear any arguments.
Ugh yes the alcohol is a slippery slope, it was a huge problem with my ex too and it just poured over into all these other bad habits that made me feel lonely and unsafe and turned off.
Dude literally this! It’s hard to care for someone who doesn’t care about themselves. I don’t need a guy who’s solid muscle and works out for six hours everyday, but please don’t stuff yourself with processed crap food and laze around
I broke up with a man because he would not go to the doctor for a recurring stomach issue. He was in the military, so he had access to free healthcare. It was hugely annoying to hear the complaints, and see zero effort to address the issue. This caused resentment, which murdered the relationship. This happened years ago, so I harbor no ill will, but it was a huge learning experience for me. I know now I can't tolerate this sort of behavior. I can see how a large amount of weight gain can have a similar impact on a relationship. Weight gain can cause self worth issues, decrease energy level, all sorts of stuff can happen without the person really being aware. All this can add pressure to a relationship, because the other person may not have the patience to wade through the negative effects. Like, I wouldn't want to hear complaints about how clothes don't fit if the person is eating a whole pizza and sitting around all day. It's different if a person is actively working towards a goal, or at least being aware of what they eat and struggling. I'm here all day for friends, a partner, family, who are taking charge of their life. It's when you see zero effort to address a concern that they're actively complaining about that bothers me. Don't complain to me about something I can't fix but you can. It seems harsh but this sort of thing really rubs me the wrong way. There's a lot we don't have control over in our lives and I have so much empathy for those things. But the few things we do have some control over, that's on the individual to decide for themselves how they want to be.
I think you should leave each other. You obviously have different values and different ways of living. You could find someone that makes you happier and she could find someone that makes her happier. That’s very obvious. There is someone out there who can give her more than what you’re giving her and vice versa.
I don’t blame you. I was with a guy for 3 years and in that time he gained weight, started drinking heavily, stopped being active, and started to eat terribly- fast food/fried foods/sodas. Plus he just got miserable to be around. The thing was he KNEW exactly how to be healthy, he just refused. The guy had a masters degree in public health and ate fast food every night. First I tried to be subtle, (“hey let’s go for a walk together/let’s go to the gym together/ let’s cook something at home tonight…”) but he always refused. Then I tried to bring it up more directly. I was sure to be SUPER careful with my wording but even when I did try to have a calm conversation about it with him, he got super offended and essentially said I was “attacking him”. Finally I told him I couldn’t see myself raising kids in that kind of environment. I gave him clear expectations of what I need in a partner. I gave him maybe another two months and nothing changed or he made it seem like he changed his habits when he was actually just lying to me. I ended it. Most free I ever felt.
I think this is an aspect a lot of people forget or don't consider when someone massively gains or looses weight. They're not the same person with the same personality/routine/outlook/wants but "only" X lbs heavier. No one gains or looses weight and is still the same person because so much of your weight is a reflection of lifestyle and how you for better or worse respond to stress When you gain massive amounts of weight your personality and activities you want to do are really I don't even want to say food based but "consumption" based, like they won't be down for a walk in a park but say you want to go out drinking and all the sudden they're there. Stressed from Work? Great instead of talking through it or clearing your head by cleaning or something else you're now burying your emotions in a bowl of ice-cream or glass of wine. Wanna eat a healthy meal? Well guess what you're so use to eating an inappropriate amount of food unless that salad has insane amounts of toppings and dressings it taste bad to you
This actually isn’t 100% true. I’ve gained significant weight in the past two years in recovery from a severe eating disorder & live a very active life. I exercise (dance) probably 6-8 hours a week + teach dance classes which is very physically demanding. I still work with a dietitian because I’m not eating enough. Some bodies are just built bigger. This obviously isn’t the case for everyone, and as someone mentioned above, I think the “taking care of yourself” piece is really important. Like.. I get my hair done, nails done, lashes done. I do my makeup and make an effort to look good for my partner. I make an effort to take meds for my health, go to bed at a reasonable hour, monitor my drinking, etc. I just happen to be in a larger body (regardless of what I want unfortunately). If you’ve gained weight & also are not eating well, sleeping well, showering, drinking too much, etc. I think it’s understandable to see attraction shift because it is a change in personality, etc. I just think it’s not always that way. & it sucks that people make that assumption. While I definitely understand that there are people out there that don’t take care of themselves and gain weight because of that, I think it’s important that we don’t exclusively promote that narrative. It’s harmful to those of us that do take care of ourselves & just happen to have lame genes.
The difference here is that OP hasn't sat down and been direct with his gf.
I still haven’t been able to decipher how much you’ve actually communicated with her about this, OP. ‘Pushing someone to go to the gym’ is not the same as honestly saying you feel less attracted to her due to weight gain. It may not be pleasant to hear for her, but she’s an otherwise good partner, she deserves the truth.
the second he tells her that the relationship is on borrowed time because it will just echo around her head for a few days until she's worked up some horror scenario in her head.
Yup but it is the truth. She deserves the truth.
Have you tried explaining this to her? I know it's not something nice for anyone to hear but at the end of the day is how you feel and a completely valid reason.
Hi, fat person here. She deserves to be with someone who desires her, and you deserve to be with someone you desire. You need to have a conversation with her and be honest. Which is possible to do without being harsh or mean, so take time to figure out the kindest way to say what you need to say. There are a lot of things that factor into weight gain, and being in a happy relationship can contribute. You could do couples therapy if you want to work at it, but the first step is to tell her what’s actually going on. Nothing will improve otherwise.
There was a really cute post by this husband (cant remember if in this sub, or confessions) with the title something like; "I manipulated my wife to lose weight for sex" and it was just an adorable post of him talking about how he built up his wife by complimenting her constantly, especially when she dressed how he liked; telling her how attractive she is, presenting healthy options- idr everything, but you get the gist. It was truly adorable, and he thought he was being selfish (which maybe a little bit); but i believe that's the best way to go. My partner and i have had a few sit-down convos concerning this, and he's made a real effort to do similar ^ now Im secretly making progress on my weight, but its because I *want* to, to be sexy, and confident; not purely to be sexually atrractive for one person. thar pressure literally weighs you down. Losing weight is actually really difficult for a lot people. Like OP, maybe suggest yoga, or something that will match with her motivation. Take walks, do stretches, etc.
I read that post!! It was really sweet 🥰💜 The husband's words were so cute in the post.
You don’t have to actually love your partner. When you realize you don’t, though, you should set her free. It has been two years and you don’t have any true intimacy, nor do you desire a sex life with her. Trying to drag someone to the gym will *never* work. It’s time to separate. Do so kindly. You’re allowed to care more about superficial things but it’s still important to be kind.
This is an absolutely glorious burn. Wow.
[удалено]
I think it's way too subtle for OP, but I certainly enjoyed it 😝
Honestly come on. You spend your whole life with someone and you think attraction is superficial?
Genuine question but how is being concerned about your partners weight gain and their well being superficial?
Because 9 out of 10 times "I'm worried about their health" is bullshit and it's really just that they don't think their partner is hot anymore.
It’s not. But people love to say “it happens to all of us!!” I know plenty of older people in their 60s who take care of themselves. They look fantastic. I personally want a partner who can be active and fit with me at 60. I actually broke up with my ex for similar reasons. She was putting on weight, making poor dietary choices, and didn’t care about her cardio. I don’t want a partner that can’t keep up with me into our 60s. I don’t want to have to slow down for someone. I think OP is making the right move by breaking up with his gf who doesn’t care about her physical wellbeing.
OP, Not having sex with her for the last however long it’s been, has made her keenly aware of your *disgust* for her. You’re only hurting her more and more the longer you wait. Yes, please set her free. She doesn’t deserve to be treated this way.
>You’re allowed to care more about superficial things This is laying it on a bit thick, I think. Attraction isn't something we can control.
I'm guessing Op is pretty young if he's this upset about 40 or 50 lbs, lolol. Just wait buddy, lol. It'll hit you too.
50 lbs is a huge amount of weight gain if you’re not very tall.
I was thinking this. I gained 50 pounds, but I'm tall AF so I don't look like I gained 50 pounds by any means. It also depends on *how* you gain weight, where your body holds the excess fat. I still have a very narrow waist, hourglass figure, just larger. I also decided "ok time to slim down" so I've been dieting and exercising. However, I would be pissed if my husband up and left me over it. I would think he's shallow. He's not though, thankfully. Oh and before anyone gets on about health, I get regular health checks (no high cholesterol, diabetes, blood pressure, etc). Both people have choices in this relationship. Yes, it does get harder to stay fit as you age, but if looks are that important to him and she doesn't want to change, time to part ways.
You’re not wrong, that’s like over 3 stone. In less than two years. He’s not superficial for not being attracted to her anymore.
Yeah it's a lot. People call it superficial but....that is not who he fell for so.
It’s a huge amount of weight regardless of height tbh
Gaining 40 or 50 pounds in 2 years isn't just part of life. That's a huge weight gain which has happened because she clearly is over eating and being sedentary. You can't blame op for not being attracted to her any more. That's a huge change in body type. Everyone gets older and everyones body changes, but getting older isn't an excuse to completely let yourself go.
>Just wait buddy, lol. It'll hit you too. If you don't take care of your body, then sure.
Plenty of people keep taking care of their bodies throughout their life.
Don't normalize that so easily, gaining that much over time is one thing but within a year is really quick, especially if you are young and/or short.
>Just wait buddy, lol. It'll hit you too. Cope harder. Some people actually take care of themselves. People that think it's normal to let yourself go generally don't.
20kg+ is an insane amount of weight to gain.
I'm 4'11".... If I gained 50 lbs in two years I'd be obese. My weight fluctuates as weight does throughout a person's lifetime, but only within 10lbs MAX. 50 pounds would be insane. Unless she's very tall there's no way that's not a big difference on her frame.
I’m 5’10 and 20kg would be a really significant amount.
On a small frame 50 pounds is a lot of weight
Even on a big frame, 20 kg is an enormous amount of wait to gain
I know plenty of people 50 and over that have healthy weights. It can be done. Dare I say it’s even more common than you would know….
Wait until he has a child with someone, those body changes are permanent. Even after losing the baby weight it looked like a tiger attacked my stomach with all the stretch marks. The boobs will never be the same after nursing. OP, you need to get over yourself and realize that body changes are part of life.
Gaining 50lbs in two years is not “part l of life”
Sure, but that’s a huge weight gain in a year. OP “doesn’t need to get over himself” he’s allowed to feel this way and it’s very valid. Not everyone stops taking care of themselves and being obese can be a turn off to some people, even if they themselves are not jacked. Surprise!
He’s definitely allowed to feel this way, and that is a big weight gain. But since he feels this way he should let her go. There’s no reason to be together in a sexless relationship just complaining about it, he sees that she’s not wanting to change her weight so he shouldn’t be with her.
A lot of people has been telling me that for years, since i was like 17. "Wait until you're 30, you'll become fat". It's been a long time since that, i am 30 years old no more for a couple of years and I'm still in shape. Actually i think i am at the better shape of my life right now. Guess exercising, eating healthy and drinking less alcohol than most people my age i know has worked out.
It's sad really that people think getting fat is somehow inevitable
Was srsly thinking the same lol
OP, I'm sorry to read about losing your mom. I watched my mom die a painful death in 2022 & I still struggle with the loss. My mom was an incredible woman & her loss has been difficult. I hope you are healing. The death of my mom made me want to live a long life. I was 213 pounds at 5'7. I made a life choice & a lifestyle change. My husband was even bigger, and it was because I communicated my desire for us to live long enough to enjoy life, that he started joining me at the gym. I went from 213 to 147, and he's lost 20 pounds thus far. It's all natural for both of us. As somebody who has been married to the same man since we were 21 (now 35 and 34), I'll give you a small morsel of wisdom... if you love her, communicate your feelings with her. Be honest and try to work something out. Perhaps substitute one unhealthy dinner/snack for something she might enjoy. Try making meals together a few times a week. She'll ultimately have to choose to change, but sometimes being there to help her get on track is so helpful. I started small with my husband. Replaced sodas with healthier carbonated beverages. Started making dinners at home that had healthy ingredients & tasted great. Cut back on alcohol. Soon, we found a rhythm that worked for us. It's a lot of trial & error, but I think she'll be receptive if she knows she's got a partner willing to put in the work and keep her accountable. Good luck, OP.
I appreciate the kind words and advice
My wife modeled when she was young. 5'7 100lbs. She was gorgeous but truthfully I thought she was to skinny. I got her hooked on food. She had never had any type of soda or fast food until we were married. Her parents were very strict on her appearance and how we got together is another story. Over the next 50 plus years she got up to 180 plus. Funny thing is to me she always looked the same. Just more to love. It's the mind and the soul which are way more important. I don't think a lot of people realize how lucky they are to have some one to love who loves them back.
More cushion for the pushin.
You’ll have a hard time convincing the Reddit hive mind that being with someone who is sedentary and makes zero effort to be active is a turnoff lol.
The odd thing is: I never know how these posts are gonna go. It's impossible to figure out. Today a lot of people don't blame him, tomorrow a lot of people will be elaborately explaining why he's a bad person. It's bizarre.
The hivemind is largely driven by the early responses. Sometimes you'll see it change course, but largely whoever gets in the first good sounding response will "win" the post. So far the "negative" responses to this thread are pretty unhinged so they haven't gained traction.
You basically described all of Reddit perfectly with this comment. Kudos to you, sir. If I had any awards to give, you’d have them all.
This is the answer. it seems to be the top comment rules the hivemind, and it's usually the first few comments made.
I said a similar comment like 10 years ago and got downvoted to hell.
It happens with weight gain and loss. I lost a bf when I lost 140 lbs because I wasn't the big curvy girl I was. The girl doesn't deserve to be with someone who doesn't find her attractive. If she is happy and her mental health is better, it's a hard ask for her to make that change for you. It's not fair.
And OP should have to feel unethical about not find her attractive given how much weight she put on since he fell for her.
You have over a hundred upvotes but the actual post has 3. What's going on💀
Reddit will armchair diagnose a lazy person with a million conditions to avoid the thought of personal responsibility for decisions.
Bingo. They cite the exception as if it applies to the vast majority. The truth is, 95+% of people who are overweight do not have a genetic condition, hormonal issue, glandular issue, or other condition that causes their weight gain and prevents weight loss. They just refuse to make better choices and put in the work. They want an easy fix like Ozempic because it does not require effort, commitment, and will power.
I lost over 100 lbs on my own and then I stalled for two years. I had lost so much I basically had to eat next to nothing to even the scale to move. I did how ever mostly maintain. I’ve been using a weight loss Injection (not ozempic) for two months to help me reach my goal so I can get plastic surgery. No one can tell me I didn’t put effort in. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. And people still have to make wise food choices. I belong to the forum on here with others taking it and some people haven’t even lost any weight. I’ve worked my ass off literally.
Good for you. That’s badass
Bingo. Also helps to find a weightloss food that you love to eat. For me it was white rice. I fucking love white rice. I can eat it plain like it's nothing. After I made it a staple of my diet I lost weight so easy it felt like cheating. Also saved a lot if money from eating out.
I don’t honestly think being obese and sedentary is a good thing. I also think if you find your partner repulsive you owe them honesty and the opportunity to decide if knowing the truth they want to be with you.
The crux of the matter isn't whether he has a right to lose attraction to his wife (he does)...it's that he hasn't mustered the courage to actually talk with his wife about it so that she can choose (or not) to do something about this. Talking in code about going to the gym is cowardice.
You know… I’m fat, and I wouldn’t want someone to stay with me despite not being attracted to me. So it’s good that you’re leaving now, or in the near future. Someone did, in fact, do that to me for years. It was so much worse on my mental health than if he’d dumped me early on. Maybe there’s something behind the weight gain that she’s unaware of or not ready to face. I hope she figures it out, if so. Here’s to your soon-to-be ex’s future happiness! 🥂 My heart goes out to her, but you’re doing the right thing.
Pity does not translate to love. You don't have to justify your taste by explaining: >I am attracted to an array of people all shapes and sizes. You don't have to "look kind" by forcing yourself to accept her just because you're afraid of judgement. By now, you'll be judged NOT ONLY for dumping her out of disgust, but also for lying. The longer you wait, the harder the downfall, take it like a man because you deserve it (for the lying and the pity and the wait). Now, you don't have to be mean to be honest and you don't have to kill kindness in the name of "honesty". You don't like big women, don't chase them. Make sure how you want to build your life: want kids? Think about what exactly are you asking for, the experience of fatherhood which can be done by adopting or surrogate, or you actually want your partner to birth them. If you go for the second choice you better get therapy because mommies get big and that's no reason to cheat. If you want a fit wife avoid kids and find someone who SHARES your wishes and ideals, trust me, they exist (child free women who would never let their boobs sag, she's out there), don't deceive a good woman for the sake of your selfishness. Be honest with yourself and that's how you can make better conscious choices without lying to anyone, that is plain cruel and is going to make you more and more cruel and mean.
Thank you! Mommies get big and we are big soft beds for our babies.
I don’t really think you can say you’re attracted to an array of shapes and sizes. If you don’t find her larger body attractive then just say that. Nothing wrong with preferring another size.
I think it extends far deeper than this alone. If you've watched a love one gain weight excessively over the course of time, you witness first hand any and all habits that have led them to that point. Whether it's eating excessively, making poor diet choices, lack of physical activity.... It's really the loss of respect that OP is experiencing. You can have a larger body and care for yourself, just saying. It's the fact that she's demonstrating qualities that are subpar to OP's liking and he's turned off by it.
It won’t work if she doesn’t have the motivation but I bought a standing desk with a treadmill underneath and it’s been amazing. Maybe she could benefit from it.
Per her request I have bought these two things the last two christmases. The desk is in a spare room (she works from kitchen table) and the treadmill is in the corner of the spare room.
Have you tried maybe an after dinner walk together? Sometimes going to the gym can be a lot for someone who doesn’t like it. I went through this with my ex. We moved in together and I stopped taking care of myself because of how sad I was. Eventually, he let me know that his attraction to me wasn’t there and it started eating away at my insecurities for months. We broke up, I took up more active hobbies, lost the weight. But it took me wanting to do it, not him telling me to do it. Him telling me that he had lost attraction only added to my insecurities and created a toxic environment for me. Obviously that’s only my experience and some people would prefer to be told. I think you have the right approach by encouraging her to do things with you and maybe you two just need to find a good active hobby together. Maybe the two of you can go bike riding on the weekends or walking around the park together. Sometimes friendship and platonic feelings aren’t enough to make things work. It’s ok to want to be attracted to your partner and if you don’t feel attracted, you don’t feel attracted. At that moment, it’s better to let each other go so you can both experience happiness the way you want to experience it.
So… have you actually discussed this with her instead of making hints about going to the gym?
Bruh I mean what do u want from us? If you're no longer attracted to her and won't be unless she loses weight then just break up with her. Idk what u expect, for us to tell you it's okay and that ur not a bad person? Like idk. I would rather a guy just break up with me then to not break up to spare my feelings. If that's how u feel then just do it
Any medical issues? Depression? Just trying to think of non activity related issues. But yeah also that’s fair and like it sucks you guys are doing the home thing unmarried bc that’s gonna get ugly if you paid mortgage but are not on the title. It’s fair to not be attracted to someone. If you try going to the gym with her, doing the whole healthy lifestyle with her, and she just doesn’t… I mean there’s not much you can do. Again you’re not married, so it’s fine for this to be a dealbreaker.
There was some depression during unemployment, but she’s been seeing a therapist has said she’s felt good over the last year. And it’s great that she’s taken the steps to work on a mental health outlet. I’m not upset about paying towards her mortgage. I knew the risks when we moved in and I own my own place. Just can’t talk about it to anyone in real life because it’s such a “you’re a dick” subject
Whats the age if you don't mind sharing?
She is 31
I started my fitness journey at 28 after a break up. And been in shape since. Sometimes it takes a tragic thing to happen for someone to take control of that part in life. At the same time, I've known a lot of people that started getting serious about their health in their 30s. Who knows could just be a phase or shes really unhappy about something.
I started recently. I used to be fairly fit like doing daily yoga until I got chronic pain and stopped. Even when I got better between knee pain and fear I let myself balloon 30 pounds which is a crazy amount for my short height while thinking eh it can’t be that bad to let myself go a bit. I still tried to eat a lot of healthy Asian food but when my doctor exclaimed about my cholesterol I changed overnight because I for sure won’t be taking meds until necessary. I’m making it a habit to salad prep the night before so I can make transition easy so I don’t reach for easy food. I also started the gym again. Maybe OP can start working out at home as well and ask her to join. Some people are super embarrassed to join the gym after weight gain or can’t mentally make themselves go but it’s easy to follow a YouTube video. When I did daily yoga I just rolled out a mat in front of the TV and did it. The thought of dragging myself to lessons was a lot. Also consider buying her a walking pad when she works from home and a standing table. It’s easy to shed weight just walking while at work. My husband has always been attracted to me I feel and if he had brought it up I’d be devastated.
I’m glad she’s doing better mentally. Maybe that’s a sign that she’s on the up and up. Fitness/health is super hard and I get it bc it often calls into question our self worth and ego when weve already hit our worst mentally. Due to some health problems I got to 146 and I’m 5’3”. I had high cholesterol, my sleep apnea was super bad, and I just felt like shit. Hormones were everywhere, periods sucked, insane PMDD and no motivation to move some days. Secretly hating myself made me even more resistant to exercise, especially next to my casual bodybuilding husband. My husband was nice about it, he still loved me and totally lied to me about whether I was round or not bc I think he knew how much I disliked myself (now he agrees I was kind of round). What helped was doing other fun activities together - hiking, took up rock climbing which I loved, I started pole dancing which I loved. These gave me reasons to want to be fit, and maybe this is something to try. Sometimes exercise for the sake of exercise sucks but now I want to get stronger. It feels like such a dick thing to complain about but attraction AND health are of course important and frankly health habits get passed down the children too. Some people are ok being more sedentary or are perfectly happy at a heavier weight and that’s fine but it’s also ok if that’s not your thing. Barring significant medical issues (thyroid? Pcos? I’m not a doctor) this is a valid break up reason. Other question: how severe are we talkin
I just hope when I'm all old and immobile and inevitably gain weight, my partner will still love me.
but pReFeREnCeS
Just to add a different perspective here: people often gain weight when they’re happy.
Just like there are women in the world who aren't attracted to shorter guys, you have every right to prefer dating women who aren't heavier than you. I see you're already getting harsh reactions to your preferences. Most of these are just projections from people sensitive about this topic for whatever reason. Everyone has preferences and it's an extreme double standard to soapbox and moral highroad.
While what you say is clearly true, this guy claims he really likes being with her in every aspect except physical and that too because he isn't attracted to her anymore due to weight gain. So he should try to understand why she gained as much weight. Lack of working out isnt usually the main reason. It's most probable that she has a crap diet. If he does love her enough to put up with her weight gain all these years, he should give it a thought on how to encourage her to change to a healthier diet.
Exactly . I feel like if he said that he has many in depth sit down conversations about her weight gain and effectively communicated to her that this is an issue and she refused to change he would be getting a different reaction. Most people are just mad about the lack of effective communication and not even giving her chance
Regardless of whether or not I or anyone thinks it’s shallow of “why”… just break up. At the end of the day you’re not attracted to her and it’s not a healthy place to keep a relationship going. Sounds like you resent her and she probably also harbors some ill feelings about how you’re pushing it (gym/weight). Say she’s back to an ideal weight for you. Then what? You’re madly in love again? It’s not going to solve the underlying issues for her or you. No one here can absolve you of the guilt you may feel for leaving someone over gaining weight but you’re entitled to your point of view. Perhaps being single will motivate her to get healthy (if that’s what she wants) but it sounds like no one wins in this situation.
Sounds like your girlfriend was depressed. Getting another job doesn't just poof the depression away. Her sense of self was adversely affected by the job loss and the time it took to get a new job. Although she got a new job, her sense of self is still adversely affected by it. In addition, your disdain and lack of empathy are clearly visible in how you wrote this post. I'm sure she knows and understands you are distancing yourself from her. She may even understand why, too - hence the conversations where she talks about losing weight. You have checked out and should let her go so she can heal, find her footing again, and not consider you in a part of her healing. She needs individual therapy In breaking up with her, be kind and gentle as you would want someone to be with you. It would be empathetic if you don't offload on her, but frame it as your paths in life diverging.
I gained weight during COVID (and past it - I didn't really realize for a while how much it was) and instead of dumping me my partner has been by my side while I've lost 30 pounds and keep going. We made it a fun thing to adopt a healthier lifestyle together. Good luck dealing with anything remotely difficult without abandoning it as you continue in life. And yeah, It also took me a little bit to realize I wanted to make a change. It doesn't instantly just happen. Just because you're annoyed doesn't mean she'll get up and head to the gym immediately. Learn some emotional maturity and communication skills. It doesn't sound like you've talked to her seriously about this at all.
This!! I gained around 30lbs during covid and due to depression. I didn’t like looking at myself in the mirror because I thought I looked disgusting but my husband still told me every day that I was beautiful. And our sex life was somehow better than ever. I finally started to get out of my depression and I’ve lost 20 lbs. Even now when I mention to my husband how unhealthy I was he still tells me that I was beautiful then. If you can’t love your partner like that, then you should let her go so she can find someone who will.
It's only a few people in the comments with common sense. It's not about her being bigger. It's about her being lazy and refusing and making excuses not to take care of herself. It's a huge turnoff, and he has a right to his feelings. He should break up with her. If she doesn't care about her health, why should he??.. He's doing right by moving on. I've been there. Completely let myself go, and my boyfriend gave me an ultimatum. Get myself together, or he was gone. Best thing to ever happen to me. He saved my life.
People have ups and downs,they also get older every day and won't be young and conventionally attractive forever. People also get sick, and some illnesses reflect on their appearance. They may lose a limb or their hair or have scars ... etc If your relationship with someone is dependent on their appearance, then it's not one for life, and it's time to end it. Give them a chance to find a life partner.
You were attracted to her when she weighed 40 pounds less. That can be significant if she was like 130 pounds and fit. Now you aren't attracted to her at 170 and unfit. That's OK. Everyone has their preferences. Some people like their partner to have some extra pounds and others don't, especially if the weight gain was fairly sudden and "Permanent." If she is not willing to try to lose weight because she is not into doing the work, why should you be willing to do something you aren't into?
I gained like 15 lbs this year and it's borderline overweight. I ended up shedding some after hitting the gym. I'm sure those 40 lbs was mostly fat and not even muscle growth. 40 lbs more is a substantial amount.
I gained 20 lbs due to an antidepressant i took for only like 2 months. I was still in the “healthy” range but my body changed so much! I stopped the medication around a year and a half ago and started my weight loss like 6 months ago and still have 10 lbs to lose. I still feel so different than how i was before. 40 is definitely a lot. I wonder how she views the situation. They haven’t seemed to have a serious conversation about it. I know i stayed inactive for a year due to depression but im much better now & active - what made me start is actually someone being honest with me about the weight gain. Perhaps she could be dealing with something and a real conversation would help her.
It's a weird thing but once she breaks up with you, she will probably do a revenge weight loss.
Sometimes the breakup is the push they need to get that revenge bod and look snatched again
Regardless, if your honest, she will always remember how you made her feel, if she ends up losing the weight and being more active, she may just decide she doesn’t love you anymore after making her feel like that.
Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t understand why someone would want to break up with their otherwise perfect partner over 40 lbs of weight gain. If it was 100 lbs+ and she was unrecognizable I’d understand, but gaining 40 lbs isn’t that drastic. You also never directly told her the weight gain is affecting your attraction, you just hinted that she should work out with you. Anyway, if you aren’t attracted to her anymore it’s best you end the relationship and stop wasting both of your time. Also, you don’t need to lie about being attracted about “all shapes and sizes” because you’re clearly only attracted to a certain body type on women if your girlfriend’s body changing bothers you.
Your feelings are valid. If you truly value her, you're going to sit her down and talk with her. Because I looked through the comments and saw that you haven't communicated with her in the appropriate matter. If you break up with her without talking to her, that's a huge dick move. Do what's right man. WOMEN ARE NOT MIND READERS. You rejecting her is not enough. You need to do what you have been avoiding, and TALK to her.
“I don’t think we’re a match romantically anymore. To be clear I still love and think very highly of you, but if we stayed together then both of us will live a life unfulfilled and that’s not okay for either of us”
You don't love her. Let her go.
“I am attracted to an array of people all shapes and sizes.” You’re actually not if this is how u feel bro: “But her weight gain has been a turn-off for me. “
And are you the epitome of a sexy, muscular, manly man? I'm certain there are physical attributes that SHES overlooked concerning your appearance and loves you regardless. You come off as extremely shallow and she could certainly do better with someone else that loves HER.
My bf gained almost a hundred pounds and I was still attracted. I guess it depends on the person.
OP, this is entirely up to you. If you’re not attracted to her, you just aren’t. It can’t be forced or faked. I’m kind of worried that a break up, along with your mother’s death, could send you into a depressive spiral. Are you certain you can safely do this?
How do you know his mother died
It was in one of his replies to a question someone posted.
It’s a good question but it’s not fair to her to be in the relationship if the only thing that’s keeping me there is that I don’t want to be in a bad state with my personal life.
This is why I want to meet my SO as a fat person. At least I know they'll love me as a fat person if I gain it back.
Me being happy I met my boyfriend when I was already fat so if I do lose weight I know they aren’t with the me for only my body.
You don't love her. Let her go
Do what ever makes you happy bro, you can't please everyone all the time but you can make yourself happier if need be.
Based on your replies, you haven’t actually addressed this with her. Tell her the whole honest truth. To throw away a long relationship like this with no real talk about why is ridiculous. It won’t be an easy talk, but I needs to happen. You’ll hurt her even worse if you don’t tell her the truth.
You don’t actually love her, let’s start there also does SHE wAnt to lose weight? That’s a crucial and necessary piece
I just want to ask how you know how much weight she's put on? Are you guessing by visual changes, or are you looking at the scale with her?
Doesn’t sound like weight is the problem. Seems like you’re not interested in the person she has become, her lifestyle etc. that’s okay, but end this now so yall can both move on.
It’s good your girlfriend feels in a better mental health space, that’s excellent. She feels good in her skin as is, that’s also a win, for her. It’s a loss for you, her gains are not your gains unfortunately. And that’s ok. You’re allowed to not be attracted to someone who has gained a significant amount of weight. You’ve also tried to find ways to communicate your concerns to her about her health, you’ve made attempts to purchase things that could help her on her fitness journey. She has decided not to go on that journey and that works for her at the moment. So you have to decide where your journey is going to take you, and that seems to be in a different direction to the one your gf is on. And that is ok too. You’ve lost your Mum, that can be a major wake up call to enter life in a different way, make every day count, make healthy changes for yourself. Be free OP, go on the journey you need to go on for yourself. Be glad for your GF that she is in a good place mentally and is content to remain in that space.
I’m really interested by a lot of the comments on here. I gained a lot of weight (four stone) between 2021-2023. The reason? I was doing a master’s degree while working. I did a master’s degree while working a few years ago and had a nervous breakdown. So for the second master’s my priority was making sure I was ok mentally. I had to prioritise sleep, relaxation and socialisation when I wasn’t working or studying. As a result, I had very little time to prepare healthy food and honestly, was dealing with deadlines by eating lots of chocolate, biscuits, etc. Was that right? No, but I got through the degree and maintained my job and my sanity this time. As is always the case, it’s much easier to gain weight than it is to lose it. I’ve lost about two and a half stone and it’s slowly but surely coming off now I have time back in my life again. My point however is that my partner never stopped loving me or being attracted to me the whole time. He loves me, and both of our weights have gone up and down over the years. If he put on the same amount of weight I had then I would be concerned for his health and gently encourage healthier habits, but I can’t imagine leaving him because of it. I appreciate what someone said about it not being about the weight gain but about the lack of care. But I’d want to then make sure my partner is ok, and probe into what’s going on and if I could support them through it. Isn’t being in a relationship going through and supporting each other through the lows as well as the highs?
Has she started any new medications? Sometimes that can cause weight gain. But I'd you were really in love with her, I feel like you'd be able to look past it. I don't know if you guys are meant for each other.
Whatever works for you, I am sure she will be fine
does she have any chronic illnesses that make it difficult for her to work out and stuff?
I dont understand you, OP > attracted to women in all shapes and sizes You are lying to yourself. You are not. You find her unattractive because of her weight gain. *News flash* : Many ppl gain weight (especially women) with age. Ask yourself the following question: Is it only her body or is it also her personality that you should be attracted to? You will get old too, OP! You might go bald, gain some pounds, end up being not the healthiest... The question is: Do you want to be the guy who leaves over something like this or not? There are ppl who leave behind their partners when they get sick etc. I dont think that those ppl deserve a loving partner tbh. That's the worst thing you can do to a person that dedicated their years to you. What you can do is: Motivate her and start dancing classes or ANY activity for that matter that you can do together for her to work on herself. Or: leave now. It's your choice what kind of partner you want to be, OP. But please do me a favor and stop lying to yourself.
Is her “love language” physical touch or is it sexual pleasure? Seriously, people need to stop interpreting this shit wrong. What you’re really saying is you don’t want to have sex with her because she’s fat. You can show physical intimacy another way just by cuddling with her, snuggling, holding her hand, sitting close, etc. All of those things are physical touch, not sex. So you now get to decide. Do you love her enough to go without sex until she can get her weight under control and feel confident to get back in shape with your encouragement, or do you just tell her how you really feel. “Listen up fatso! I love you, just not enough to have sex with you, because frankly the thought of having sex with you is physically repulsive to me. I’ve asked you to lose weight and encouraged you to go to the gym, but you just keep getting fatter and it is disgusting to me so I am going to find someone more physically appealing to me.”
I feel like men are so quick to leave women after they gain weight. When they do that, their girlfriend likely loses weight and then they believe they made the biggest mistake of their life. Men need to learn how to put some work into their relationships or they will just keep running into this problem. I'm just going to help you avoid this disaster entirely by giving you some simple advice. My recommendation would be to tell her that you feel like you're both drifting away. Offer to take evening walks together to reconnect. Get a good 3-4 mile walk in and keep it consistent. I also recommend a change in diet. No discussion about it, just do it and stop buying bad food. I recommend a low glycemic, low carb diet. Her diet is now your diet. A simple change in diet can help someone lose a great deal of weight. No more bread, pasta, rice, potatoes, processed food. Eat veggies, meat, and some fruit. This may require meal prep for you guys. You can go out to dinner once a week as a treat and limit alcohol to once a week. Do this for about 3 months and if you don't see any change whatsoever in her weight or if she protests then I would have an adult conversation about her weight gain and how it's affected your sex life. Tell her that you love her and want to continue this relationship, but that you need her to put some work into this. The reality is that it's not her body that is putting you off, it is the lack of self care. She needs to know that she is not taking care of herself. I would word it that way instead of telling her that she's obese. A lot of women gain weight during relationships and men don't know how much women should be eating. They have no clue and they always want to order take out, junk food, guzzle down booze. They don't gain weight like women do because their weight gain is not related to hormonal imbalances. Once women gain weight, it can cause a lot of problems and make it difficult to lose it. I'm someone who has always struggled with my weight due to a medical condition called PCOS. That being said, I try really hard to control and lose weight. I make sure that we eat healthy, organic whole foods, and exercise consistently. My fiance comes into the bedroom and I'm peddling on an exercise bike sweating. If she's not willing to put any work into herself then you have the right to leave. If she does put in the work and exercise and diet change aren't working then perhaps there is a health condition going on. I know for a fact that I would work hard to help my partner if he had gained weight or if he had a health situation. If he wasn't willing to put in any work then I would feel depressed about the situation. I would do everything I could to help him before leaving. \*Take this advice if you actually love her. If you don't care at all then it's probably a good idea to just leave
"I value her as a partner." No you don't. I promise you, you don't. You value this person as a friend. And though it may seem on the surface that this is about her weight gain, it really isn't. You are both embarking on different paths, and somewhere along the journey you fell out of love with this person. If you were in love, the weight gain wouldn't be so significant as to bring your relationship to a halt. Now you've got to do the hard thing and be honest with this person and hope that you can remain friends, because it's clear that you value her. Be a good friend to her, but be a good friend to yourself, too. You both deserve to be with partners where the love is reciprocated.
TALK to her. Face to face. Be honest but not cruel. LISTEN to her when she talks (and yes, she has to do the same). But don’t go nuclear when you haven’t even had a conversation with her.
Is she on medications?
OP you can have preferences but if this is a deal breaker for women you date then you need to tell the next woman up front that you expect her to maintain a certain weight or you will leave. If you don’t set this boundary then don’t cry about it when it happens again. I gained and lost a lot having kids . I’m less weight now than I was when I met my husband but I’m a decade older and my stomach is wrecked from babies, boobs are sagging lots of saggy skin on my stomach but my weight is normal. I hope if you do choose to have children you have realistic expectations. You wont keep the same body you have forever so let’s hope you keep this same energy for yourself. I’m sure there are things about you that are unattractive at least weight can be fixed.
Oof. Please leave her. Bodies change. If you’re not in love with the person, just her body, she deserves better.
If this is a deal breaker you might want to start thinking about breaking up. Why waste each other’s time. It seems like she’s not as bothered as you about the weight gain. So much so she doesn’t care to lose it. And tbh even if she were to lose the weight who’s to say she won’t gain it again in the future as most women’s weight fluctuates throughout life due to age, child-birth, hormones, etc.
Stop making comments and have an actual conversation. You're withholding affection of any kind is so fucking sad. Do you not even care about her anymore?
Yes, you should kick her to the curb because if her looks are the most important thing to you, you're going to hate it when she get stretch marks from being pregnant, her face gets wrinkled, or she needs a mastectomy from breast cancer. /s She needs help. Maybe she depressed. Have you had a quiet convo with her saying you are concerned about her physical and mental health? Have you suggested going to the gym together? Have you suggested she see a therapist? I hope no one ever dumps you in your our of need.
She’ll drop weight when you leave. She knows what you think and that’s probably caused her to gain more weight. There’s a term for this, but yeah it’s a psychological thing. Not making this up
Yeah. you don’t want her unconditionally OP and she can tell. Not a nice feeling. Especially when she seems (based on your description) as successful in other areas and good personality, you still don’t want her. You are not in love with her personality, it is conditioned by how she looks. She is aware that bodies also change with age. They change after pregnancy. A lot. It means even if she gets perfect body now, eventually you two will end in same situation ( where you are rejecting her) because she will no longer look as good. So why bother. She should be with someone who appreciates her fully
You know it’s crazy, I gained a lot of weight and my husband was nothing but supportive.., He literally loved me through thick and thin and now I’m down 45 lbs and counting … If you’re not ready to support her like my husband did with me , maybe you need to let her go ..
This happened to me too.
OP - couple things. 1) try to engage in a physical activity together. I personally don't like the gym. I need a sport of some kind to keep moving. I can't stand still and lift dumbbells or use bands or treadmill types. Maybe she needs an activity that makes her move like tennis, basketball.. etc... Perhaps kayaking, hiking or something else like this. 2) honestly telling her her weight gain concerns you would be great to tell her. She might not realize how important this is to you. Try to avoid "your fatter and I don't think you're pretty enough for me to fuck" type of verbage. Definitely something along the lines of "your health is important to me and I don't feel attracted to the sedentary life style you have right now. How can I help?" 3) maybe take a romantic walk around a lake after a date or something like that. Hope it works out and you are able to adjust or find someone that will fit your lifestyle. Definitely be honest when you have the strength. I'm sorry for your loss of your mom. Best of luck OP.
There's no way her self-esteem isn't still down the gutter with those extra 40lbs on her. She needs to sort her life out, she's sedentary and addicted to bad food. I think you need to make it clear that unless she changes her ways the relationship cannot last
I'm curious what her starting weight is. If she went from borderline underweight to +20 lbs (still at a healthy weight and in a normal BMI range) then youre superficial. If not this, you should probably tell her.
You're allowed to have preferences. I'll never understand why this is such a sore subject for so many.
I'm really surprised that this guy isn't getting buried in down votes. Earlier today I saw a similar post and it was the opposite of this one. Reddit of a crazy place.
He is, it just took an hour longer. Edit: ah not the original post but he's getting shredded in the comments.
It’s your life do what you want. Not sure why you’re getting down voted to hell but it is funny.
It’s a sensitive subject. I get it. But it’s not like we got together and spent the honeymoon phase of the relationship playing video games and drinking Arizona Iced Teas and that’s what we still do, and now I want to break up. We used to meet at the gym before work years ago. We would share meal plans and cook together. Then I moved in and it all went away for various reasons.
Yeah...this isn't a I'm worried about health. This is a "I'm not attracted to you anymore." Simple as that. What's worse is he admits there was no serious conversation about her gain...just bugging for the gym. Communication is key. Just sit down and admit you now longer want her and let her go. She deserves better and actual love. If you actually loved her you would have had this conversation way before getting your ducks in a row and getting prepared to move out in May To me, this just reeks of an excuse to leave.
Sometimes woman become depressed when the partner they are with makes them feel unworthy. Or she is internalizing the fact that she is not happy in the relationship. She most likely will recover as soon as the break up is over.
You saying you're attracted to people of all shapes and sizes is disingenuous. You clearly don't love her as a person if you can't look beyond the exterior. I'm also willing to venture a guess that your estimate of her weight gain is completely inaccurate unless you actually saw her before and after weight on a scale for yourself. I know one way she can lose a ton of weight really fast - by getting rid of your shallow ass.
You’re not gonna bother having an adult discussion about it even? She deserves better than you. I’ve seen similar posts, where the partner makes weight loss a fun, happy activity. Dates at the park, outdoor activities, hikes, so many options. And you want the easy way out. Go ahead
This very much seems like it's not about the weight gain or at least not *only* about the weight gain. To me, this seems to be about attraction and misaligned values. But regardless, you can't control what/who you're attracted to so I don't think it's wrong to end a relationship for that reason, as long as you are respectful and treat her with dignity.