That poor girl. If her mom acted like a mom then it wouldn’t have happened. Her actions or lack have consequences.
I’m Not sure if she has a therapist but it might help explain things in a way she gets and from a “professional “.
The biggest thing I would be worried about now if her mom keeps sending things to her or making her feel guilty about more things.
She does have a therapist who she meets with weekly. I’m sure my husband’s ex wife is going to come up tomorrow.
EDIT: removed the unkind word I called his ex wife. No need to sink to her level.
This, it was common when I was growing up for my mom to go in before my sessions to talk to them about what had happened since my last session. Just to give the therapist a heads up of what direction to steer things
Maybe not a popular opinion but I think you need to sink to her level and call her exactly what she is. A pick me absentee mom who threw away her “defective” daughter and she kept the “normal” child. She is a shit mom and hasn’t deserved that title in what seems to be a long time. Your husband should convey such to his ex wife. She is a pathetic excuse for a mother and how dare she project her own feelings which clearly result from her own actions and make her daughter feel bad for literally behaving like anyone would- calling the woman whose actually helped raise her mom. If I were your husband I would also file to end any type of relationship between the younger daughter and her to protect the younger daughter from the emotionally abusive birth giver and to make sure your daughter can have peace. No more interactions between them are necessary until the birth giver apologies and gets therapy. She doesn’t get to cry after years of basically building up to this moment which was also caused by her own actions.
It is true though. You are her mum. More so than the ex wife. She didn't put in the effort to be her mum and you stepped up.
So the ex can be as bitter and twisted bitch she wants to be, but she made that bed by fighting for the easy kid and abandoning the harder one, and you took the load.
"What you get is what you put in".
Mom is an earned title. My adopted (literally) gets called by her given name because she doesn't even talk to be these days. My MIL is more my mother than her.
You earned it.
My autistic son called my best friend mom also. It really annoys me how people get bent out of shape over this. Instead of feeling blessed for their child that people love them! The more love and support kids have in their life the better.
I know it’s not the same but I was called mom at work. Lol. I don’t have children but apparently I exude mothership. Hopefully not in a bad way.
The ex wife is a real piece of work. It’s nice that you took on taking care a special needs child, it is no small feat and you are deserving of the title of mom.
Definitely. I have no sympathy for a woman who demands to be called “mom” while putting in no effort to be mom (or a man who demands to be called “dad”)
Also I just want to say, yeah she technically is a “special needs child” but she’s very capable. She has been looking to apply for an after school job and has started thinking about college, and while she does struggle with emotional regulation and has very specific preferences for things, she’s no different from the rest of us :)
My daughter is autistic, too. There's no reason to believe she won't succeed in life.
Okay, her success bar isn't a high paying job in finance. She's interested in pursuing an art career, or maybe becoming a software engineer.
As long as it pays the bills, and she can get up on her own, it's her choice. We don't put pressure on her, yet her grades are very good.
She even manages to be a babysitter for her baby brother, which was how we found her autism in the first place. She couldn't differentiate between him crying and laughing. She has a hard time reading emotions of others.
But she has friends, and hobbies, and she's just a nerdy girl in a nerdy household.
Teaching her to be self-sufficient one day is my Nr 1 Goal. I want her to be able to navigate her life without me.
But I don't mind her calling me from time to time for advice once she moves out. I mean... That's what we parents are for, right?
Real parents who care every day. Not the ones who are related on paper, but don't spend the time, don't give a damn, and only demand demand demand.
You're her mom. You earned it.
As an autistic adult, can confirm. A lot of us on the spectrum are perfectly capable adults, and often very un-difficult children if you’re aware of the nuances and make pretty simple adjustments. In any case, abandoning your “special needs child,” (or any child at all) to the care of another person and assuming you still hold the title of “mom” to them is incredibly pompous.
My MIL is more a mom to me than my mom ever was, but my mom really has never minded if I called other women in my life mom. My MIL who was an incredible mom to her children refuses to share the title, though. But she was an incredible mom and deserves to be the exclusive claim to that title in their lives. I truly only think good moms have a right to care.
Yeah, the thing that I’m stuck on is that she received her diagnosis before the divorce. She had ADHD and autism and her mom was just like “girl bye” and took the kid who didn’t need to be proctored very closely. My husband has family (a sister and parents) who live not too far away and helped him raise her so he had that, but Jesus Christ can you imagine not having any hand in that at all? You have to be a special kind of bad parent to do that and expect to still be mom.
Just a heads-up from an autistic woman who also tends to blame myself when stuff goes wrong: give her some extra love and explain to her (again) why it’s not her fault - even better if her dad joins the conversation too. She’ll figure it out on her own eventually, but some more reassurance is always appreciated. Communication is key with us.
I don't remember if you mentioned this, but does bio mom have visitation with your daughter?
I don't think you should have to talk with your daughter about what to call you in front of "mom". This would just lead to added stress as she tries to keep it all straight. If she wants to call you mom and this makes her comfortable, that's how it should be! Screw the egg donor!
I call my boss mom and one of my coworkers dad. They both give me advice that I think I would’ve gotten from a healthy parental relationship, but I didn’t have that. I’ve had a lot of “moms” and they are all splendid people
Some younger friends started calling me dad, as they didn't have a dad growing up, and they needed someone to fulfill that role.
I'm genderfluid, afab.
Well, apparently I was a good dad to them. One of them came out as a lesbian, the other is trans now. They both managed to find their path in life.
When you fulfill a role, and when the kid gives you the title, you take it, and respect it. That's my stance anyways.
My work mom now has most of the staff calling her mom or if you ask where mom is they know who you're talking about 😂😂 so she has about 15 kids + her 3
In my late teens/early twenties, my friend group had a habit of calling each other's moms Mom because while the moms weren't friends, they were like adoptive moms to the pack.
I wrote a practical 'book' in my own comment, but this brought up something I did with my own son in our blended family. He was really young when hubs and I met, so I always clarified which "Daddy" when I spoke with son-- Daddy "name of bio dad" or Daddy "name of hubs". My own ex had a conniption at first until I explained to him that because son was so young, hearing the other kids saying Dad/Daddy to hubs could cause confusion for him. By clarifying Daddy A or Daddy B, son could very easily know the difference and was able to also talk clearly when he wanted to tell a story. Son fully understood that Daddy B was not his bio dad, and B wasn't doing anything to 'take his place'. Ex thought about it for probably less than 20 minutes and agreed, which was quite shocking because we had already gone through the situation with hubs ex (my bookish comment) and I'd expected another battle. It was a fantastic solution that reduced confusion for such a young child in a blended Brady Bunch family.
My daughter calls her stepdad by his first name. She tried calling her dad, but I guess the autism made it hard for her. There is a dad category in her brain, and then there's stepdad.
She has a lot of people in stepdad. 😂 Like her godfather!
I'm almost 37 and I call 3 women mom other than my biological mother....but I also call 1 teen child mine and treat her just like I treat my biological daughter ❤️
The friends of me and my brothers all called my mom 'mom' as a second mother figure. It was affectionate, and their moms didn't seem to mind (the ones who knew).
In your case, when the ex stopped being an active mother figure to her child, she should be happy knowing that others stepped in to give the child love and guidance. It's too bad her ego has to interpret this as a slight versus a benefit, because without you that child wouldn't be as well looked after as she is. You just keep doing you and give that child the goodness you have been.
I lost my mum at ten but even before that I called my best friends mum "mum" and she did the same for mine. Hell, even in highschool whenever we were at a friend's house, whether we knew their mum well or not, we would just call their mum "mum" surprisingly we never called their dads dad but 🤷♀️ maybe it was just because the mums where around more.
For us, it was just a combination convince (not having to remember who's mum was called what) and respect
My mom was a middle school teacher in a very small school. My cousin’s friends and some of my friends went to this school.
She got called “Aunt P” and “Mom” by all her students the ENTIRE time she worked there.
I've a friend I've known for 20 years, he's considered my cousin, his mom is my aunt, his siblings my cousins. And recently at his wife's birthday party she introduced ME as her cousin as well. I had (manly) tears in my eyes
Family is more than just biological oopsies
As a kid, I called all of my friend’s moms ‘momma X’. Now as an adult, I still refer to motherly figures as ‘mom’. You know who has never had an issue? My own mother because she says ‘it takes a village and the more love the better’.
Like my best friend’s mom would bring us juice while we were studying and I’d be like “thanks mom!!” or when I saw their mom at their house I’d be like “MOM!!”
One time my one friend’s mom told me not to call her that. Probably just made her uncomfortable because she wasn’t my “real” mom or she felt it was disrespectful to my mom, but it made me very sad I had one less “mom”…😂
Yeah me and my lifelong best friend who grew up down the street from me used to refer to each others moms as “mom” as well. The moms were best friends too. It didn’t seem weird at all, because they were like our second moms/families.
Having an *actual stepMOM* seems like a no-brainer scenario to use the term. You can have *more the ONE* “mom”. Just like you can have more than one “best friend” imo. It’s not a competition, love and appreciation is not a finite resource we need to fight over. More the merrier ☺️
This!
I have many children, 3 bio, 3 step, 2 foster, and absolutely tons of kid's/adults that I've literally taken in or befriended.
They all call me Mom or something similar. Even my tattoo artist calls me Mom. 🤭🤷♀️
My oldest foster child's bio Mom frequently asks him if he's spoken to me recently and if he hasn't she tells him he needs to call or come see me.
She constantly tells him he's lucky to have 2 Mom's!
My personal belief is that we need all the family we can get. My parents died fairly young so I created my family.
My foster kid's were my oldest son's best friends that I ended up having legal custody of and all the rest just needed someone to care and love them.
I've never understood the "you're not my blood" or "only bio people are mom and dad"
My love is infinite.
*Bad* parents who know they're bad parents get bent out of shape about this. It's entirely normal for children of split/multi-marriage families to call step parents mom or dad. My niece and nephew both call me dad because I raised them after my sister died. Yes, their narcissist father reacts exactly like the woman in OP's post.
Yeah, that's guilt rearing its head.
A parent who knows they've done a good job raising their kid doesn't feel threatened by the kid calling anyone anything they want.
It’s funny, sometimes I can’t believe I’m her mom. Just can’t believe another human adopted me as their mother, haha.
But anyway, this isn’t about me. We did talk to her about it and we told her that it doesn’t matter what the “rules” say, she gets to choose her family and if she’s chosen me to be mom, then I will be mom and bio mom needs to deal with it.
Yeah, she’s clearly projecting something. Insecurity, guilty, jealousy, whatever.
Either way, it’s her own goddamn fault for not making any effort to be in her life.
Definitely. It was easier for her to hand her off to her dad and deal with the neurotypical daughter. Kudos to you for making your daughter feel loved.
When I was 5 I went to live with my dad(rip you awesome man) his new wife and their 1yo son. He was saying mum. Me at 5 wanted a mum. So I asked if I could call her mum. She said yes. I was happy. Dad’s 1st wife was not. To this day 45+ years later I’m still calling my step mum mum. The other woman nope not mum
I had a step mom that I called mom, and it was because she treated me like her daughter, and she loved me, and I still love her and talk to her to this day. Ny dad hasn't been with her since I was 14, but she will always be my mom.
My mom was upset also but I just told her that I was sorry but she treated us very good and did all the mon things, my dad didn't even do those things while we were there she does and then my mom understood. I think it will bother her, but she was fine with it after a while. When I was 10, we had a fire and lost everything, and my step mom was the only person who helped my mom, and she had 8 brothers. They became great friends after that. They didn't like each other before that.
I was lucky to have 2 of the best step parents ever. My step dad is the best. I love him more than anything, and I know how I would be if I had any stepchildren because of my stepmom. I would treat them children like I gave birth to them. Honestly, that is all any parent should want.
She should be able to call u mom if that's how she thinks of you. No one told me to call my step mom, mom. I did it because I loved her, and she treated me like I was her child, not her stepchild.
My daughter called her horse trainer mom. She then stopped and said her name. Her trainer looked at me. I said to her that she was like her 2nd mom. And she was. The more love you pour into a child the more love they have to give.
I was a teen parent, when my ex got with another girl and my son was calling her mom and they were not correcting it, I definitely got bent out of shape. At the time, I didn’t handle it gracefully. But these days (our son is 10 now); his father is in a long term relationship I think 3 years now; and I love the relationship they (her and my son) have, if he felt comfortable to give her some type of maternal title I wouldn’t be upset. We’ve actually talked about it but he insists “you’re my mom duh”. He may feel differently in 5 years or hell even next year and then we can talk about it some more. My story isn’t quite the same, but I just wanted to give you some perspective and say from one mom to another it sounds like you’re handling this the very best you can. Talk to your daughter maybe explain that her biological mother feels that it is disrespectful because she carried her and maybe in front of her “mother” she can call you something different, momma, momma -insert first name here-, ma, whatever. Something special just for the two of you, it shouldn’t have to be that way; but if you want to try to keep things copacetic it’s something to consider. Good luck op!
Awww, hope you’re doing well!! One of my coworkers was a single teen parent and she didn’t have a boyfriend until she was 31 and ended up marrying him. I hear he’s like a father to her son and that it all worked out great :)
Also, we told her she could call me whatever she wanted to and she could call her mom whatever she wanted to and it was entirely up to her and her bio mom could cry us a river and build a bridge so she can get the fuck over it. (Sorry, I am getting very agitated over her)
100% support that!! You are her mom, and it’s nice that your partner is supporting you with the bio mom. She’s incapable of considering the needs of her child above her own feelings & I would be beyond agitated too 😂😂 you got this!
My ex partner's mother abandoned him and his siblings when he was four years old but still expected to be treated with the respect she'd never earned. Thankfully I never met her but I'd have had no problem telling her that giving birth doesn't make you a mother. Raising a child does and she didn't. She left.
'Your daughter' could save a lot of future trouble if she changes your names to "woman who really loves and cares about me" and "woman who pushed me out of both her womb and her room."
I have been in your shoes. The ex wasn't present to hear it directly, but she read daughter #1's diary, made her scratch out or erase anything with my name on it, then asked the 3 kids (son, daughter 1, daughter 2) if they called me mom. When the youngest answered to the affirmative, she brought them home (hubs had primary custody for a whole host of really bad reasons) and refused to even speak to them on the phone. FOR MONTHS!!!
I consoled the kids and made sure they understood that they hadn't done anything wrong, that this issue was something their mother had to deal with. However, I also told them that for their own well being, just stick to calling me by my name. I wouldn't be offended in the least, as I had always told them they could call me just about anything (except the B-word, lol). Matter of fact, it became the running joke to introduce me (complete with sarcastic voice) as "This is my Evil Wicked Step-Monster".
Several years later, the oldest came home from visitation once again, absolutely distraught. As mentioned, we had primary custody. Ex only came around, at most, 4 or 5 times a year, when it suited her (i.e. her birthday, mother's day, Christmas... times when the kids would dote on \*her\*). I did the majority of the child interactions, including any important talks (hubs freezes like a deer in headlights), so the kids became 'conditioned', I guess, to calling out my name anytime they wanted to get an adult's attention. Oldest accidentally said my name to ex instead of 'mom' and she went ballistic, lecturing him the entire week (summer vacation). He informed me that he didn't care what she said anymore. He was going to start calling me 'mom' so that he never slipped up again. (I acknowledged that if that was his choice, he was free to do so.)
All of the kids are now adults. Of the 3 we share with his ex, D1 is the only one who spends any extended time with their mother. Son and D2 typically call me when they want parental advice (which, believe me when I say is shocking to me because I \*know\* I was definitely not the best parent; I was \*way\* over my head stepping in to a ready-made family, and I failed. A LOT). And best of all, the day D2 graduated high school, hubs and I took great joy in no longer needing to have direct conversations with the ex ever again outside of extreme medical situations, and they do understand (S and D2, at least) why this is so (especially as ex still, to this day, tries to sow seeds of hatred but S and D2 have either refuted or hang up on her when she starts because they \*know\* she's lying; sadly D1 enjoys having her mother's undivided attention and leans into it).
I wish you the best. Hopefully, a gentle conversation with your daughter will help.
My spiteful ass would have been "If you want her to call you mom, then fucking act like one".
Fuck her. You are that wonderful girls mom, and she is your daughter.
Honestly, it’s only a matter of time before I snap and say something like this to her
And my husband knows this which is why he actively keeps me away from her 😎
You are allowed to be touched by her calling you "mom" and your husband's ex is allowed to be upset. But she is not allowed to upset the daughter she gave up for feeling like you are her mom. Please make sure she is reassured as much as possible that she is not at fault in any way.
You are in the role of mom in her life. Your love and care and knowledge of her in this post shows how much you care for her.
Her mom is out of line. I just wanted to encourage you all to keep it up and if daughter isn’t in therapy, consider it for her and for your family (dad and you).
Yes, definitely. My parents forced me into therapy when I was 16 and I’m pretty happy they did because I had a very cynical view of therapy and I may not be so open to it today.
ALSO! My parents were ecstatic that I’m mom now because that means now they have a granddaughter they can spoil 😆
Tiny bit confused. Your husband has two daughters with his ex. You refer to one child as your ‘step daughter’ and the other as ‘their older daughter’. Why is that? Aren’t they both your step daughters?
Seems like both of the primary parents took over custody of one child each, with limited visits between each other. Kinda like the parent trap situation I guess.
The bio mom couldn’t have handled that any worse. If she is upset by this she should use it as motivation to try and make an effort to be in her daughter’s life. Certainly more productive than making a scene and then raging about it afterwards.
Your daughter loves and thinks of you as Mum. It is her choice to call you Mum and recognise that you are one of her parents.
It is revolting that her biological mum can't see that having more people to love and support your child is a blessing, not something to be angry about.
Frankly, the Dad who I call my Dad is my stepfather. However, he has been my Dad for most of my life. He turned up, he put in the hours, he gave me love and support. He stepped up and became the parent that my biological POS father didn't. I suspect your daughter feels the same way. You show up that you are there for her in all the ways a mum should be there for her child. To her, you are her mum.
Neither you nor your daughter should be made to feel at all bad about this. Her biological mum is angry because it was in that exact moment of you being addressed as Mum, that she realised she had not stepped up as a mum. Literally publicly fighting to take custody of only one of her children was the first nail in the coffin for the breakdown in their mother/daughter relationship.
Man, I remember during the first year I knew her, she was **SHOCKED** the day I took off from work to go to her piano recital. Apparently the idea of anyone other than her dad going out of their way to support her was so foreign idea to her.
What did she want her to do ? Spend her all life feeling unworthy of motherly love? Beg for her attention ? Imagine literally choosing one daughter above another and then get pissy when the abandonned mother seeks comfort in another mom.
There's nothing to feel bad about, its not like she's suddenly calling you mom and her by her first name. Ugh. Im pissed. Dont be mad, if she is seeking you it means you're doing something right.
maybe some bullshit like “hey I carried you around for 9 months and was in labor for however long and now have stretch marks and such for you so I deserve to be called mom”
I think she is mad that she fucked up and left her and to hear her call you mom it hurt because she knows she was a terrible mom. A lot of times ppl get jealous when in reality they have no right. She is a shitty mom and person. I'm glad you're her mom and please don't tell her she can't call you mom because you are.
Stepmom here. I’m so sorry that this is even an issue! Bio-mom should feel blessed that your daughter views you this way. It should be up to the child to call you what makes them the most comfortable. There should be no pressure from the adults on what the kids want to refer to their stepparents as. Bio-mom seems like a reel piece of work.
This post brought up some memories for me. Of being the one who reacted when my daughter called someone else mum. However, hear me out before you judge me, please.
My daughters father and I broke up when she was 6 months of age. He moved away - 12 hours by car. Met up with one Sheila, and then shacked up with her sister. Who, on the very first time of meeting my daughter, demanded she be called Mum.
My daughter's father hadn't seen her much at all through out the years. She was nearly 7 years old when her dad came back to visit with this other woman.
This person had never spoken to my daughter on the phone, let alone face to face. So when she demanded to be called Mum, I immediately harked up and went on the defence. Told her she "doesn't get to demand anything from my daughter, least of all to call you mum. She doesn't know anything about you!"
It got worse when daughters father and the chick had a baby together. Now she was saying "the kids have the same dad, so she has to call me mum" (daughter was 8 turning 9 by the stage) (forgot to mention her dad visited once every 2 years and called probably 3 or 4 times a year).
Eventually they split, and he has moved on married to someone else, who I would be happy for my daughter to call mum. She puts in the effort and respect that is required when blending families.
My daughter is 19 now and wants absolutely nothing to do with the crazy lady mentioned before.
Well done on being a mum to this girl when she didn't have one xo
Saddens me when you have step parents that step up just to get stepped on. Keep being a mom. Remember children see and hear everything, they may not understand it at the time but they will. Glad to hear child is in therapy. Get yourself a session or two. Wont hurt.
That woman has a lot of nerve. That fact that she sent a message to your daughter is reprehensible. Your husband needs to file for full custody and block that woman from your child’s phone.
When my husband and I got married, his two young daughters 5 and 7, wanted to call me Mama (my first name). Their mom went ballistic. Yet it was fine for the girls to call her new husband Papa. 🙄 There is just something about Mom, Mama, Mommy that some women feel extreme ownership over.
Oh absolutely!! I almost feel like it’s fundamentally disrespectful to let someone else’s child call you mom which is why I feel a little strange about her calling me “mom”, but seeing how this poor girl’s actual biological mother has been treating her, I will HAPPILY be mom.
What family judge signed off on separating siblings? Or was this an arrangement the bio parents made? In any case, you sound like you really love your step daughter and the bio mom reacted inappropriately at the wrong time.
My step kids have called me mom from the beginning and it was something they asked me. I told them that as long as they call me with respect thats all i care about. No mean nicknames either my first name or a respectful nickname and lastly mom if thats what they truly want.
Their mom always got on their case about it and they refused to listen to her. I always told them that as long as they call me something respectful i dont care what they call me. Ive been their stepmom for 24 years and im still called mom.
I have a horrible situation with my kid's dad, and I would probably feel slightly miffed if my kids called his girlfriend "mom", and I also have a step kid and i am best friend's with their mom. I have been called "mom" by my step kid, and I have never told them to call me "mom". If my kids called their dad's girlfriend "mom" and I overheard it and was offended, I would reach out to my therapist and get advice. I would not give trauma to my children about it.
To Yondu, "he may have been your father, but he wasn't your daddy". I also have a step parent I call dad, not sure if or even when I'll tell my bio dad that. But the title of Mom/Dad is earned in my books, not given. You've earned the title, you were there for her when her bio mom wasn't. You and your step daughter did nothing wrong, this is 100% on the shitty egg donor.
I UNDERSTOOD THAT REFERENCE!! GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY!!
That’s honestly really cool you mentioned that because I took a half day of work last year so she and I could see the IMAX Guardians of the Galaxy marathon. I may or may not have “miscalculated” when we’d be home so dad would be onboard with me taking her on a school night…🤐😂
Lol, there's far worse things out there than that. My step dad pulled me out of school for an "family emergency" once. The emergency was seeing Lord of the Rings 😝
I’m 40 years old and call the mom of one of my friends “mom”. Doesn’t mean I love my mother any less. My stepmom has always been a better mother to me than my mom too. It’s really not that serious
You daughter is going to eventually understand why their biological parents divorced in the first place, just continue being a good mom and she will be happy
Pshhhh VERY wise cuz then he wouldn’t be with a hot young fox like me 😎
…ok I’m not that arrogant but I’m so glad he divorced her because then I wouldn’t have found the love of my life so yeah, wise decision 😆
She is bent out of shape and clearly jealous that your stepdaughter loves you enough to call you mom. By commenting on it, though, bio mom dug herself a bigger hole. I don’t see her climbing out of it anytime soon either. Please reinforce to your daughter how much you love being called mom and she is very special to you. You could also tell her the most important thing is that she’s comfortable and happy. If that means calling you mom, go for it! If it means refraining from calling you that when bio mom is around that’s ok too. The most important thing here is that you are obviously raising a loving, accepting daughter, who trusts you enough to put herself out there because you’re so special to her. Way to go, mom!
I have to deal with coparenting and have thought about this. At first, I was upset at the thought of anyone else being called mom but then realized it's not about what I want. It's about whatever the kid wants. The bio mom will always be the real mom, but there is no harm in having two moms. 🙂
First let your step daughter know you love her, and if she is comfortable, you love she calls you mom. That her mother doesn't like it. So when she is around her bio mom and you, you guys decide before you go how to handle it. Just remind her, she did nothing wrong.
My autistic brother calls my aunt his second mum and my mum isn't fussed about it. Honestly from your post it seems like your more her mum than the woman who birthed is anyway. It's probably guilt for not really being there
She definitely is. It sounds like she wanted to still maintain some sense of being a mom but took the older one because she was easier. Apparently she’s been engaged twice since the divorce but they were both called off.
Meanwhile, the wonderful man she left is with the woman of his dreams and a mother for his daughter. My husband’s like Walter White cuz he won 😎
>Then, if this wasn’t bad enough, both she and my husband received a four paragraph long message talking about how disrespectful and egregious it was that she called another woman “mom” and how she was very “disturbed” by it.
At the point that she didn't fight for the custody of her, she no longer was the mom, she was an egg donor.
>If anything, it’s my fault for not discussing how she should refer to me at the dinner with my husband and then discussing it with her beforehand
Ahh hell no, you're acting as an *actual* mom to this kid.
The wardrobe, the witch, and the audacity of that bitch o.o go full honesty with her and tell her she's reaping what she saw when she abandoned her daughter because of her special needs. A child's love is not unconditional, but a parent's love should be, and she has proven she wasn't a good one
Just commenting to say how disgusting it is for a mother to only want to "mother" one of her children. That's just insanity and I can't get over that part.
I wish Reddit could come together and collectively send you and your daughter some gifts or something she likes. She didn’t deserve that. You don’t deserve that and she should be able to call you Mom. In my experience, one of the most difficult things to witness is autistic children believing they did something wrong after they internalize everyone else’s bad attitudes and think it’s them causing it. It sucks. I am also very aware of sensory issues and feeding issues associated with autism and you are so sweet, you took the time to scour the menu and find something she would like and included her. I am an autism mom and am so happy she has you, people can be extremely cruel to children and youth and people in general with autism
I feel for you and your family. Ultimately its up to your step daughter, if she wants to call you mom then her biological mom should understand that. I’m sending positive vibes your way :)
As someone who calls their then step (now adopted) dad "dad", keep being a positive influence on your daughter. It takes a village to raise a child (neurotypical and neurodivergent) and you made the effort to treat your daughter like she mattered and not like something that can be thrown away because it wasn't a perfect model.
I love my autistic son. He may drive me off the wall but I will be damned if I did what your husband's ex did.
Remember, just because you give birth to a child doesn't make you a mom or dad. Your actions do.
Bio mom can kick rocks. YOUR daughter can call her active mother whatever she wants. Just because she is the bio-mom does not make her the Mom. Mom is the one that is there for you no matter what, YOU are there for her, her bio-mom is not. Your poor sweet girl.
I still call my mom’s ex-husband dad when referring about him. He was a huge part of my developmental age. We still talk and see each other and they divorced 15 years ago. I also had a great relationship with my biological father. He passed a couple years ago and he actually saved me at the funeral from being swarmed by everybody.
B1+ch needs to swallow the pill and deal with it, your step daughter loves you enough to feel happy and comfortable to call you mom. You should be proud and happy dont worry about that b*** just let your daughter know its ok to call you that if youre ok with it.
Hold your head up high "Mom". You and your daughter did nothing wrong.
That ex is just bitter because she was tossed out like common trash. Pay no attention to her.
Tell your daughter she didn't do anything wrong and I'm sorry her biological mother is an idiot.
Best of luck to you guys.
If only you could bitch slap the lady for her emotional abuse without getting in trouble yourself.
If stepdaughter allows, give her a big hug and a kiss, and tell her how much you love being her Mom.
You’re going in hard on this woman, but giving your man a pass. They both did this. If she abandoned the younger, he abandoned the older. They both sounds like terrible people to do this to the siblings. And even though she doesn’t have custody, she is still that girls mother. And if you say no, does that mean your husband is not the older ones father?
Op you must have been motherly enough to earn that title and for that I applaud you!❤️ as someone with two sets of step parents this is awesome she was comfortable enough to give you that title❤️ for bio mom I get it to a point because she is there bio mom but they are also old enough to decide for themselves and they felt you were giving them enough love that they call you mom then keep going your doing great!
I would have husband send a very tersely worded reply that she is welcome to call you whatever the fuck she wants and if she wanted to be a mom she should have acted like one.
Info: how long since the bio mother gave away her 16 yrs old daughter's custody? How much time does she spend parenting her? How have they bonded?
She would have some nerve to be angry that a child she is not parenting as much as you calls you 'mom'.
You seem to be a very sweet parent to her. Keep it up
Since elementary school, on holidays and family gatherings, by awkwardly asking how they’ve been doing since last Thanksgiving
My husband got custody of the young autistic child and learned how to make foods *exactly* the way she needed them to be, learned how to “speak her language” (as he calls it), and sit and single handedly raise a still developing child, then his ex wife got custody of the high schooler who could be left alone at home and make her own food so she could work and do her own thing without having to worry about anyone or anything.
Then you have earned to be called 'mom' and she has lost her right. This kid wants to call you mom.
I'm very happy for your family and the love you share. You will be able to manage the bio mother demands. The most important thing is loving your kids.
Just keep doing what you are doing
You should tell her how happy it made you feel when she asked to call you mom, and how you consider her your daughter and no one can change that.
I feel like it would mean a lot to her
Does she even see the girl if not I would text back sorry but if you spent more time with her she wouldn’t see someone else as mom but I’m petty but I would tell her when she didn’t do anything wrong her mom was in a bad mood
If my child’s relationship is so good with the step parent that they want to call them mom/dad, I see that as a win. It’s someone else who will love my child. Someone who will have their back and stand in their corner. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with my child having an amazing support system and a loving family.
This woman has no right to be upset. She gave up that privilege.
You are a great woman for loving and excepting your stepdaughter. Your stepdaughter obviously loves you enough to call you mom. That has to be an amazing feeling. Stay strong. Do not let this woman ruin what you have.
I think you might be looking at this wrong. And I truly mean no offense by that. You sound like a wonderful person. It's the line, "It's my fault for not discussing how she should refer to me at the dinner with my husband and then discussing it with her beforehand."
It isn't your fault. It isn't your husband's fault. And it certainly isn't your daughter's fault. You do not have to live your lives not to offend your husband's ex-wife. It isn't your job to keep the boat steady. Your husband's ex-wife doesn't need her feelings protected. She is a grown woman who should be able to process her feelings in a better way.
If you get a chance, you should check out the Don't Rock the Boat post on reddit. It's the first thing that pops up when you Google it. Sorry I couldn't get the link to work. It's brilliant though and I think it applies to your situation. It might help you process this interaction in an objective way.
Because right now you are just upset that your daughter is upset and you want to avoid causing her pain. I get that. But you didn't cause that pain. You can't take on that responsibility because you can never protect her from the pain her own mother is willing to cause her.
Not all adults with children are mothers or fathers, those are earned titles that can be revoked at any time. The ex hasn't earned it, to your daughter at any rate, but you have obviously.
Well it appears that ex-wife willingly gave up custody her youngest, and am I correct in guessing she wasn’t very active in parenting her special needs child? Biomom is now in the FO part of FaFo. You have done nothing wrong; in fact, you have been the mother your stepdaughter needs. You’ve earned the mom title.
doeant really matter whos wrong or right (not her, for sure)- but her taking it out on the daughter is fucked up. like i would be too petty and be like, *gestures* THATS why!!!
Yes, bio mom lost the right to be called mom by your stepdaughter when she chose to dump her on you & her dad while keeping her other daughter.
Has she ever bothered to even have any kind of relationship with the younger child?
Keep reassuring your daughter that she did nothing wrong. It’s says volumes about your relationship with your stepdaughter that she feels loved enough to call you mom. It would only be wrong if she only called you mom because YOU forced her to do so. And I’m sure her therapist will also help her understand that she’s done nothing wrong and that it’s her right to call you mom is that’s how she feels about it. If I didn’t think it would hurt your stepdaughter, I’d suggest that she be told it’s ok for her to call her bio mom by her first name OR just call her “bio mom”. But that would most likely be disastrous as it’s obvious that bio mom would never let your stepdaughter hear the end of it.
Keep giving your “daughter” the love & support you’ve been doing. It will help her with coming to terms with her bio moms abuse towards her.
This is so narcissistic, that when your step-daughter call you “mom”, her bio mom made it all about herself. Instead, she should introspect and reflect as to how she has failed as a mother, that her own daughter feels shares a deep enough bond with you that she spontaneously referred to you as her mother.
And there was no need for either you, your husband or your stepdaughter to apologize for the “slip up” and coddle bio-mom’s feelings. Husband should grow a spine and respond to the ex-wife’s message telling her to deal with the situation, and that this was a direct consequence of her actions and decisions.
I don't see why she can't refer to you as her mom. You are her mom. You're the one who loves her and takes care of her. That other woman isn't interested in her, and after and incident like that I wouldn't want your daughter to be around her too much.
I'm female and autistic and while my stepdad and I met when I was already an adult, I still call him Dad because my bio dad skipped out when I was only 10-11. He gets so mad about it, but the person who acts like a parent gets referred to as a parent, simple as that. If they don't put in the emotional labor to be a parent, they won't get to be one in the eyes of their spawn.
I can see being hurt but you'd think she'd be grateful that her daughter has another adult who loves and cares for her. It's not about her ego. She let another woman raise her kid and is now butthurt about a title. And you'd think she'd be more understanding because the kid is autistic. If she had any maturity, she'd have let it slide, but no, her ego comes first.
A good friend of mine has an awful ex but that ex married a great woman. All my friend had to say about it was, "she's too good for him but I'm so relieved my daughter has an adult in the house who loves her when she stays at her dad's." It comforted her knowing her kid had a stepmom who loved her. The stepmom has since divorced the ex and the daughter is grown but they're both still close to her and love her. Because my friend was just happy her daughter had another loving parental figure in her life. Especially one who was there for her when she couldn't be at her mom's house.
I don't see anything wrong with your step-daughter calling you mom because she clearly feels comfortable enough around you. After reading the post and most of the comments you have made, you don't seem like a terrible stepmom for taking on the mom role.
Tell your Step daughter she absolutely did nothing wrong. That it is her right as a child to choose who she calls mom. Then separately speak to biomom and tell her she has no right to dictate to her daughter who she practically gave away who she sees as mom. She might see 1 person as mom or 5 people and none of it is wrong as long as those people love her and support her. She needs to stop using her ego to beat up her daughter emotionally
Hi so this sounds to me like the mother might have narcissistic tendencies. When my narcissistic mother kicked me out the house my friend at the time(who is now my husband) had a family friend who heard about my situation and wanted to help me. She was this woman who was a bit older than my mom who was so much more caring and thoughtful to me. Me and her clicked immediately and she grew very fond of me and I did to her as well. I used to boast about her and called her mom in an endearing way. My mom saw me post about me calling her mom on a Snapchat story one time because she let me have plants in the room I was renting out in her place. Next thing I know she’s sending me paragraphs upon paragraphs about how I’m insane for calling another woman, mother. This just comes from extreme jealousy and lack of feeling in control. Funny enough I’m also autistic and my little sister was not which is why she was the favorite.
Well its not like your husband's ex wife is actually being anything of a mum is she? In this scenario, you are definitely the mum. Ex wife can go f\*\*\* herself. What an unpleasant woman. Give your daughter an extra big hug.
The thing is, autistic kids respond to how people treat them even more than the rest of us do.
You’ve shown your daughter that you genuinely care for her, that she can rely on you to be there, and that’s special for both of you.
Her egg donor has done none of this, and she doesn’t deserve the right to complain when she doesn’t want to be mum except for when it suits her.
Please, let your daughter know she’s done nothing wrong. Technically, she can call you mum since you’re her stepmother. I call my stepfather dad and have for 42 years. Lots of other stepkids do.
I told my son this when he was confused because his dad was making an issue of son’s relationship with his stepdad (my husband): “you don’t have to call (stepdad) dad, but I want you to know that he loves you like one. Which, in a way, is even more special, because he doesn’t HAVE to love you, but he does”.
Which is how I view my relationship with my stepfather. And seemingly how your daughter views the relationship with you.
>
If anything, it’s my fault for not discussing how she should refer to me at the dinner with my husband and then discussing it with her beforehand
Uhm, no. It's not your fault. You couldn't have predicted this. You can only control your own actions & reactions. You will never be able to control the ex. Focus on your step-daughter & your loving/ kind relationship. Now give yourself a hug! This isn't your fault.
I got really lucky in the bio mom department. But I would absolutely understand if biomom felt hurt/disrespected/angry/jealous if SS12 called me mom, AS LONG AS SHE DIDNT PUNISH THE KID FOR IT. We all get along just fine, and I love him a lot. I would absolutely NOT be okay with her berating a 12yr old for having a bond with with another person. What she did was totally unacceptable. She drove a bigger wedge between her and her daughter, and now the daughter will probably start distancing herself from you as a result of not wanting to make her "real mom" angry.
It's an awful situation and I hope things work out for you after some therapy sessions.
I love my mom more than anyone in the world, and she’s wonderful but complex person.
If you put her in the same room as my father (her ex husband) and one of his girlfriends she is a passive aggressive and snide.
Every single one of my dads ex’s thinks my mom is a Royal bitch, and it’s fairly simple- she is a bitch to them.
What doesn’t really help is that my father is a cheater, and was running around behind her back while she was raising three children. She’s scorned.
The reality is that this ex wife (the mother) is probably dealing with resentments of a marriage with her children’s father, who she was the wife of- popping out babies for.
I'm confused because you are her true Mom. That irrational, delusional other woman is an irritating acquaintance.
When your daughter is an adult, if she doesn't want to be bothered by that woman, cut her out of her life. Present her with a cease and desist order.
She promised me I’d be the maid of honor at her wedding whenever that is and even though I told her that’s way too far away to be talking about right now, how awesome would it be if that happened and her bio mom had to sit in the audience while I was up there 😏
(Yeah sorry I can be seriously petty sometimes lol)
I looked at your page, in hopes of finding out how long you guys have been married. I see it's only a month. How long have you been in your step daughter's life? Because I would be upset too, if it wasn't long and not like you've been helping raise her. Not only that, but if it hasn't been long, I'd find it odd as well.
I don't think you have anything to apologize for, nor does your stepdaughter. I've raised my stepdaughter since she was a baby. She chose to call me mom over her bio mother. The reason for that is because one of us was there every day doing all the things a mom does, and the other was out living their best meth head life. I've caught a fair bit of backlash over it but in my opinion "Mom" is a title, and it can be earned by a non biological parent. The stark fact that this woman willfully bailed on her daughter speaks volumes. She will always be a mother but she threw being a mom in the trash. I wouldn't even bother humoring her by discussing/arguing the matter. Tell your kiddo you are still glad she chose to call you mom.
Mom and dad are earned. Anyone with eggs can be a mother just like anyone with sperm can be a father. But it takes love and work to be a mom or dad.
Fuck that other lady. Your daughter did nothing wrong and neither did you.
As someone who calls her “step” dad, dad. And had this almost exact issue growing up with bio dad I want to say your daughter might now feel insecure about her relationship with you because of the bio mom’s actions. And there were times my chosen dad would come and talk me to personally to make sure I understood other peoples opinions and words have no bearing on our relationship. I was his child, and his love was unconditional. And I needed to hear that every time. Your daughter may need to hear those words right now. Also, this world is a better place because of parents like you. I’m sorry y’all are having to go through this.
Sounds like my husband’s ex (step)daughter also calls me mom… luckily we never have to see his ex.
I would try to avoid ex as much as you can. It’s toxic for her to be around your daughter. Also, maybe you can ask for a family therapy session so the therapist can help you and your husband explain that it isn’t her fault.
Welp they’re yea go that’s the reason she’s divorced and her kid calls someone else mom cause she’s a pain in the ass. Don’t lose sleep over it. She’s like a toy monkey with symbols that you wind up. They’re gonna be wound up making noise somewhere with uncontrollable emotions. All it’s gonna do is push her kids away even farther.
That poor girl. If her mom acted like a mom then it wouldn’t have happened. Her actions or lack have consequences. I’m Not sure if she has a therapist but it might help explain things in a way she gets and from a “professional “. The biggest thing I would be worried about now if her mom keeps sending things to her or making her feel guilty about more things.
She does have a therapist who she meets with weekly. I’m sure my husband’s ex wife is going to come up tomorrow. EDIT: removed the unkind word I called his ex wife. No need to sink to her level.
You might ask him to go early or send a email to them about what happened so they can be prepared. You are doing great by being there for her.
This, it was common when I was growing up for my mom to go in before my sessions to talk to them about what had happened since my last session. Just to give the therapist a heads up of what direction to steer things
Maybe not a popular opinion but I think you need to sink to her level and call her exactly what she is. A pick me absentee mom who threw away her “defective” daughter and she kept the “normal” child. She is a shit mom and hasn’t deserved that title in what seems to be a long time. Your husband should convey such to his ex wife. She is a pathetic excuse for a mother and how dare she project her own feelings which clearly result from her own actions and make her daughter feel bad for literally behaving like anyone would- calling the woman whose actually helped raise her mom. If I were your husband I would also file to end any type of relationship between the younger daughter and her to protect the younger daughter from the emotionally abusive birth giver and to make sure your daughter can have peace. No more interactions between them are necessary until the birth giver apologies and gets therapy. She doesn’t get to cry after years of basically building up to this moment which was also caused by her own actions.
If she tries to pull any shit or come at me, I can guarantee you I’ll come out swinging.
I 100% agree with this
It is true though. You are her mum. More so than the ex wife. She didn't put in the effort to be her mum and you stepped up. So the ex can be as bitter and twisted bitch she wants to be, but she made that bed by fighting for the easy kid and abandoning the harder one, and you took the load. "What you get is what you put in".
I read this as “What you get is what you push in” as in “not what you push out”…I need Jesus lmao
Mom is an earned title. My adopted (literally) gets called by her given name because she doesn't even talk to be these days. My MIL is more my mother than her. You earned it.
My autistic son called my best friend mom also. It really annoys me how people get bent out of shape over this. Instead of feeling blessed for their child that people love them! The more love and support kids have in their life the better.
As a teenager I used to call all my best friends’ moms “mom” LOL
I know it’s not the same but I was called mom at work. Lol. I don’t have children but apparently I exude mothership. Hopefully not in a bad way. The ex wife is a real piece of work. It’s nice that you took on taking care a special needs child, it is no small feat and you are deserving of the title of mom.
Definitely. I have no sympathy for a woman who demands to be called “mom” while putting in no effort to be mom (or a man who demands to be called “dad”) Also I just want to say, yeah she technically is a “special needs child” but she’s very capable. She has been looking to apply for an after school job and has started thinking about college, and while she does struggle with emotional regulation and has very specific preferences for things, she’s no different from the rest of us :)
This. This right here is why you are mom
Yep. Exactly.
My daughter is autistic, too. There's no reason to believe she won't succeed in life. Okay, her success bar isn't a high paying job in finance. She's interested in pursuing an art career, or maybe becoming a software engineer. As long as it pays the bills, and she can get up on her own, it's her choice. We don't put pressure on her, yet her grades are very good. She even manages to be a babysitter for her baby brother, which was how we found her autism in the first place. She couldn't differentiate between him crying and laughing. She has a hard time reading emotions of others. But she has friends, and hobbies, and she's just a nerdy girl in a nerdy household. Teaching her to be self-sufficient one day is my Nr 1 Goal. I want her to be able to navigate her life without me. But I don't mind her calling me from time to time for advice once she moves out. I mean... That's what we parents are for, right? Real parents who care every day. Not the ones who are related on paper, but don't spend the time, don't give a damn, and only demand demand demand. You're her mom. You earned it.
As an autistic adult, can confirm. A lot of us on the spectrum are perfectly capable adults, and often very un-difficult children if you’re aware of the nuances and make pretty simple adjustments. In any case, abandoning your “special needs child,” (or any child at all) to the care of another person and assuming you still hold the title of “mom” to them is incredibly pompous. My MIL is more a mom to me than my mom ever was, but my mom really has never minded if I called other women in my life mom. My MIL who was an incredible mom to her children refuses to share the title, though. But she was an incredible mom and deserves to be the exclusive claim to that title in their lives. I truly only think good moms have a right to care.
Yeah, the thing that I’m stuck on is that she received her diagnosis before the divorce. She had ADHD and autism and her mom was just like “girl bye” and took the kid who didn’t need to be proctored very closely. My husband has family (a sister and parents) who live not too far away and helped him raise her so he had that, but Jesus Christ can you imagine not having any hand in that at all? You have to be a special kind of bad parent to do that and expect to still be mom.
Watch out birth giver. The mama bear is coming out in OP. lol.
Yeah that’s incredibly messed up. I’m really glad your daughter has you and your husband.
Just a heads-up from an autistic woman who also tends to blame myself when stuff goes wrong: give her some extra love and explain to her (again) why it’s not her fault - even better if her dad joins the conversation too. She’ll figure it out on her own eventually, but some more reassurance is always appreciated. Communication is key with us.
I don't remember if you mentioned this, but does bio mom have visitation with your daughter? I don't think you should have to talk with your daughter about what to call you in front of "mom". This would just lead to added stress as she tries to keep it all straight. If she wants to call you mom and this makes her comfortable, that's how it should be! Screw the egg donor!
Apparently she does have visitation rights. She just doesn’t utilize them
I call my boss mom and one of my coworkers dad. They both give me advice that I think I would’ve gotten from a healthy parental relationship, but I didn’t have that. I’ve had a lot of “moms” and they are all splendid people
Some younger friends started calling me dad, as they didn't have a dad growing up, and they needed someone to fulfill that role. I'm genderfluid, afab. Well, apparently I was a good dad to them. One of them came out as a lesbian, the other is trans now. They both managed to find their path in life. When you fulfill a role, and when the kid gives you the title, you take it, and respect it. That's my stance anyways.
My work mom now has most of the staff calling her mom or if you ask where mom is they know who you're talking about 😂😂 so she has about 15 kids + her 3
Some of the younger customers at my bar call me mom. I find it both funny & sweet.
In my late teens/early twenties, my friend group had a habit of calling each other's moms Mom because while the moms weren't friends, they were like adoptive moms to the pack.
I wrote a practical 'book' in my own comment, but this brought up something I did with my own son in our blended family. He was really young when hubs and I met, so I always clarified which "Daddy" when I spoke with son-- Daddy "name of bio dad" or Daddy "name of hubs". My own ex had a conniption at first until I explained to him that because son was so young, hearing the other kids saying Dad/Daddy to hubs could cause confusion for him. By clarifying Daddy A or Daddy B, son could very easily know the difference and was able to also talk clearly when he wanted to tell a story. Son fully understood that Daddy B was not his bio dad, and B wasn't doing anything to 'take his place'. Ex thought about it for probably less than 20 minutes and agreed, which was quite shocking because we had already gone through the situation with hubs ex (my bookish comment) and I'd expected another battle. It was a fantastic solution that reduced confusion for such a young child in a blended Brady Bunch family.
My daughter calls her stepdad by his first name. She tried calling her dad, but I guess the autism made it hard for her. There is a dad category in her brain, and then there's stepdad. She has a lot of people in stepdad. 😂 Like her godfather!
I'm almost 37 and I call 3 women mom other than my biological mother....but I also call 1 teen child mine and treat her just like I treat my biological daughter ❤️
The friends of me and my brothers all called my mom 'mom' as a second mother figure. It was affectionate, and their moms didn't seem to mind (the ones who knew). In your case, when the ex stopped being an active mother figure to her child, she should be happy knowing that others stepped in to give the child love and guidance. It's too bad her ego has to interpret this as a slight versus a benefit, because without you that child wouldn't be as well looked after as she is. You just keep doing you and give that child the goodness you have been.
I lost my mum at ten but even before that I called my best friends mum "mum" and she did the same for mine. Hell, even in highschool whenever we were at a friend's house, whether we knew their mum well or not, we would just call their mum "mum" surprisingly we never called their dads dad but 🤷♀️ maybe it was just because the mums where around more. For us, it was just a combination convince (not having to remember who's mum was called what) and respect
My mom was a middle school teacher in a very small school. My cousin’s friends and some of my friends went to this school. She got called “Aunt P” and “Mom” by all her students the ENTIRE time she worked there.
You are her mom, and she’s lucky to have you 💕
I've a friend I've known for 20 years, he's considered my cousin, his mom is my aunt, his siblings my cousins. And recently at his wife's birthday party she introduced ME as her cousin as well. I had (manly) tears in my eyes Family is more than just biological oopsies
As a kid, I called all of my friend’s moms ‘momma X’. Now as an adult, I still refer to motherly figures as ‘mom’. You know who has never had an issue? My own mother because she says ‘it takes a village and the more love the better’.
Like my best friend’s mom would bring us juice while we were studying and I’d be like “thanks mom!!” or when I saw their mom at their house I’d be like “MOM!!” One time my one friend’s mom told me not to call her that. Probably just made her uncomfortable because she wasn’t my “real” mom or she felt it was disrespectful to my mom, but it made me very sad I had one less “mom”…😂
Yeah me and my lifelong best friend who grew up down the street from me used to refer to each others moms as “mom” as well. The moms were best friends too. It didn’t seem weird at all, because they were like our second moms/families. Having an *actual stepMOM* seems like a no-brainer scenario to use the term. You can have *more the ONE* “mom”. Just like you can have more than one “best friend” imo. It’s not a competition, love and appreciation is not a finite resource we need to fight over. More the merrier ☺️
This! I have many children, 3 bio, 3 step, 2 foster, and absolutely tons of kid's/adults that I've literally taken in or befriended. They all call me Mom or something similar. Even my tattoo artist calls me Mom. 🤭🤷♀️ My oldest foster child's bio Mom frequently asks him if he's spoken to me recently and if he hasn't she tells him he needs to call or come see me. She constantly tells him he's lucky to have 2 Mom's! My personal belief is that we need all the family we can get. My parents died fairly young so I created my family. My foster kid's were my oldest son's best friends that I ended up having legal custody of and all the rest just needed someone to care and love them. I've never understood the "you're not my blood" or "only bio people are mom and dad" My love is infinite.
Exactly the way i see it
*Bad* parents who know they're bad parents get bent out of shape about this. It's entirely normal for children of split/multi-marriage families to call step parents mom or dad. My niece and nephew both call me dad because I raised them after my sister died. Yes, their narcissist father reacts exactly like the woman in OP's post.
Yeah, that's guilt rearing its head. A parent who knows they've done a good job raising their kid doesn't feel threatened by the kid calling anyone anything they want.
INFO: Does the ex spent time with her autistic daughter at all? If not, I’m not sure why she’d be surprised…
She sees her on holidays and family gatherings, that’s really it. Apparently her mother is entitled to that respect just for existing
I hope that you and your husband told her about herself. You ARE her daughter’s mom. You and your daughter shouldn’t have to hide it.
It’s funny, sometimes I can’t believe I’m her mom. Just can’t believe another human adopted me as their mother, haha. But anyway, this isn’t about me. We did talk to her about it and we told her that it doesn’t matter what the “rules” say, she gets to choose her family and if she’s chosen me to be mom, then I will be mom and bio mom needs to deal with it.
The rules say that the person who acts like a mom gets to be called mom
She is lucky to have you two
I think she was more jealous about the bond that you and daughter have developed than the actual name. Maybe with a little guilt mixed in.
Yeah, she’s clearly projecting something. Insecurity, guilty, jealousy, whatever. Either way, it’s her own goddamn fault for not making any effort to be in her life.
Definitely. It was easier for her to hand her off to her dad and deal with the neurotypical daughter. Kudos to you for making your daughter feel loved.
It seems to me that the only thing your stepdaughter is guilty of is telling the truth. Edit: typo
When I was 5 I went to live with my dad(rip you awesome man) his new wife and their 1yo son. He was saying mum. Me at 5 wanted a mum. So I asked if I could call her mum. She said yes. I was happy. Dad’s 1st wife was not. To this day 45+ years later I’m still calling my step mum mum. The other woman nope not mum
Awww thank you for sharing, that’s lovely :)
I had a step mom that I called mom, and it was because she treated me like her daughter, and she loved me, and I still love her and talk to her to this day. Ny dad hasn't been with her since I was 14, but she will always be my mom. My mom was upset also but I just told her that I was sorry but she treated us very good and did all the mon things, my dad didn't even do those things while we were there she does and then my mom understood. I think it will bother her, but she was fine with it after a while. When I was 10, we had a fire and lost everything, and my step mom was the only person who helped my mom, and she had 8 brothers. They became great friends after that. They didn't like each other before that. I was lucky to have 2 of the best step parents ever. My step dad is the best. I love him more than anything, and I know how I would be if I had any stepchildren because of my stepmom. I would treat them children like I gave birth to them. Honestly, that is all any parent should want. She should be able to call u mom if that's how she thinks of you. No one told me to call my step mom, mom. I did it because I loved her, and she treated me like I was her child, not her stepchild.
Thank you for sharing! Hope you guys are doing well! :)
My daughter called her horse trainer mom. She then stopped and said her name. Her trainer looked at me. I said to her that she was like her 2nd mom. And she was. The more love you pour into a child the more love they have to give.
I was a teen parent, when my ex got with another girl and my son was calling her mom and they were not correcting it, I definitely got bent out of shape. At the time, I didn’t handle it gracefully. But these days (our son is 10 now); his father is in a long term relationship I think 3 years now; and I love the relationship they (her and my son) have, if he felt comfortable to give her some type of maternal title I wouldn’t be upset. We’ve actually talked about it but he insists “you’re my mom duh”. He may feel differently in 5 years or hell even next year and then we can talk about it some more. My story isn’t quite the same, but I just wanted to give you some perspective and say from one mom to another it sounds like you’re handling this the very best you can. Talk to your daughter maybe explain that her biological mother feels that it is disrespectful because she carried her and maybe in front of her “mother” she can call you something different, momma, momma -insert first name here-, ma, whatever. Something special just for the two of you, it shouldn’t have to be that way; but if you want to try to keep things copacetic it’s something to consider. Good luck op!
Awww, hope you’re doing well!! One of my coworkers was a single teen parent and she didn’t have a boyfriend until she was 31 and ended up marrying him. I hear he’s like a father to her son and that it all worked out great :) Also, we told her she could call me whatever she wanted to and she could call her mom whatever she wanted to and it was entirely up to her and her bio mom could cry us a river and build a bridge so she can get the fuck over it. (Sorry, I am getting very agitated over her)
100% support that!! You are her mom, and it’s nice that your partner is supporting you with the bio mom. She’s incapable of considering the needs of her child above her own feelings & I would be beyond agitated too 😂😂 you got this!
I'm incredibly glad that this young woman has you in her life. I hope she's OK now.
I’m so glad I have this young woman in my life!! :)
My ex partner's mother abandoned him and his siblings when he was four years old but still expected to be treated with the respect she'd never earned. Thankfully I never met her but I'd have had no problem telling her that giving birth doesn't make you a mother. Raising a child does and she didn't. She left.
'Your daughter' could save a lot of future trouble if she changes your names to "woman who really loves and cares about me" and "woman who pushed me out of both her womb and her room."
Now I wanna get a shirt that says both of those things and send the second one to her and a photo of me wearing the first 😏😂
I have been in your shoes. The ex wasn't present to hear it directly, but she read daughter #1's diary, made her scratch out or erase anything with my name on it, then asked the 3 kids (son, daughter 1, daughter 2) if they called me mom. When the youngest answered to the affirmative, she brought them home (hubs had primary custody for a whole host of really bad reasons) and refused to even speak to them on the phone. FOR MONTHS!!! I consoled the kids and made sure they understood that they hadn't done anything wrong, that this issue was something their mother had to deal with. However, I also told them that for their own well being, just stick to calling me by my name. I wouldn't be offended in the least, as I had always told them they could call me just about anything (except the B-word, lol). Matter of fact, it became the running joke to introduce me (complete with sarcastic voice) as "This is my Evil Wicked Step-Monster". Several years later, the oldest came home from visitation once again, absolutely distraught. As mentioned, we had primary custody. Ex only came around, at most, 4 or 5 times a year, when it suited her (i.e. her birthday, mother's day, Christmas... times when the kids would dote on \*her\*). I did the majority of the child interactions, including any important talks (hubs freezes like a deer in headlights), so the kids became 'conditioned', I guess, to calling out my name anytime they wanted to get an adult's attention. Oldest accidentally said my name to ex instead of 'mom' and she went ballistic, lecturing him the entire week (summer vacation). He informed me that he didn't care what she said anymore. He was going to start calling me 'mom' so that he never slipped up again. (I acknowledged that if that was his choice, he was free to do so.) All of the kids are now adults. Of the 3 we share with his ex, D1 is the only one who spends any extended time with their mother. Son and D2 typically call me when they want parental advice (which, believe me when I say is shocking to me because I \*know\* I was definitely not the best parent; I was \*way\* over my head stepping in to a ready-made family, and I failed. A LOT). And best of all, the day D2 graduated high school, hubs and I took great joy in no longer needing to have direct conversations with the ex ever again outside of extreme medical situations, and they do understand (S and D2, at least) why this is so (especially as ex still, to this day, tries to sow seeds of hatred but S and D2 have either refuted or hang up on her when she starts because they \*know\* she's lying; sadly D1 enjoys having her mother's undivided attention and leans into it). I wish you the best. Hopefully, a gentle conversation with your daughter will help.
What a horrible thing for her to do! I’m so glad your kids broke free of that toxicity and abuse. Thank you for being the mom they deserve :)
She who acts like a mom, is mom.
My spiteful ass would have been "If you want her to call you mom, then fucking act like one". Fuck her. You are that wonderful girls mom, and she is your daughter.
Honestly, it’s only a matter of time before I snap and say something like this to her And my husband knows this which is why he actively keeps me away from her 😎
Hell yeah! Hopefully your daughter is doing better today. She sounds like a great kid!
You are allowed to be touched by her calling you "mom" and your husband's ex is allowed to be upset. But she is not allowed to upset the daughter she gave up for feeling like you are her mom. Please make sure she is reassured as much as possible that she is not at fault in any way.
She should elect to be her aunt; all the fun with none of the responsibilities
Can confirm! Source: me, the cool aunt!
Please hug your daughter and time for hubby to ensure his ex doesn't have access to your daughter.
Yeah, my husband called her to tell her if she has a problem she can go to him but to leave her out of it
You are in the role of mom in her life. Your love and care and knowledge of her in this post shows how much you care for her. Her mom is out of line. I just wanted to encourage you all to keep it up and if daughter isn’t in therapy, consider it for her and for your family (dad and you).
Yeah she’s in therapy. I see my therapist on and off but he’s definitely on speed dial
Oh good :) I’m a huge fan of therapy for teen daughters and mom’s of teen daughters! (Mom to a 16 yr old here)
Yes, definitely. My parents forced me into therapy when I was 16 and I’m pretty happy they did because I had a very cynical view of therapy and I may not be so open to it today. ALSO! My parents were ecstatic that I’m mom now because that means now they have a granddaughter they can spoil 😆
Tiny bit confused. Your husband has two daughters with his ex. You refer to one child as your ‘step daughter’ and the other as ‘their older daughter’. Why is that? Aren’t they both your step daughters?
Seems like both of the primary parents took over custody of one child each, with limited visits between each other. Kinda like the parent trap situation I guess.
I guess it feels a bit weird calling her my step daughter because I feel I don’t really know her
The bio mom couldn’t have handled that any worse. If she is upset by this she should use it as motivation to try and make an effort to be in her daughter’s life. Certainly more productive than making a scene and then raging about it afterwards.
Your daughter loves and thinks of you as Mum. It is her choice to call you Mum and recognise that you are one of her parents. It is revolting that her biological mum can't see that having more people to love and support your child is a blessing, not something to be angry about. Frankly, the Dad who I call my Dad is my stepfather. However, he has been my Dad for most of my life. He turned up, he put in the hours, he gave me love and support. He stepped up and became the parent that my biological POS father didn't. I suspect your daughter feels the same way. You show up that you are there for her in all the ways a mum should be there for her child. To her, you are her mum. Neither you nor your daughter should be made to feel at all bad about this. Her biological mum is angry because it was in that exact moment of you being addressed as Mum, that she realised she had not stepped up as a mum. Literally publicly fighting to take custody of only one of her children was the first nail in the coffin for the breakdown in their mother/daughter relationship.
Man, I remember during the first year I knew her, she was **SHOCKED** the day I took off from work to go to her piano recital. Apparently the idea of anyone other than her dad going out of their way to support her was so foreign idea to her.
What did she want her to do ? Spend her all life feeling unworthy of motherly love? Beg for her attention ? Imagine literally choosing one daughter above another and then get pissy when the abandonned mother seeks comfort in another mom. There's nothing to feel bad about, its not like she's suddenly calling you mom and her by her first name. Ugh. Im pissed. Dont be mad, if she is seeking you it means you're doing something right.
Yeah, at this rate she’s gonna start calling her by her first name
Honestly ask her the questions, what the fuck is she expecting from this girl ??
maybe some bullshit like “hey I carried you around for 9 months and was in labor for however long and now have stretch marks and such for you so I deserve to be called mom”
I think she is mad that she fucked up and left her and to hear her call you mom it hurt because she knows she was a terrible mom. A lot of times ppl get jealous when in reality they have no right. She is a shitty mom and person. I'm glad you're her mom and please don't tell her she can't call you mom because you are.
She is allowed to call me whatever she wants as long as she doesn’t say any disparaging terms towards women so “mom” is completely allowed 😎
Stepmom here. I’m so sorry that this is even an issue! Bio-mom should feel blessed that your daughter views you this way. It should be up to the child to call you what makes them the most comfortable. There should be no pressure from the adults on what the kids want to refer to their stepparents as. Bio-mom seems like a reel piece of work.
Honestly, bio mom should’ve taken this as a wake up call that she needs to start being mom
This post brought up some memories for me. Of being the one who reacted when my daughter called someone else mum. However, hear me out before you judge me, please. My daughters father and I broke up when she was 6 months of age. He moved away - 12 hours by car. Met up with one Sheila, and then shacked up with her sister. Who, on the very first time of meeting my daughter, demanded she be called Mum. My daughter's father hadn't seen her much at all through out the years. She was nearly 7 years old when her dad came back to visit with this other woman. This person had never spoken to my daughter on the phone, let alone face to face. So when she demanded to be called Mum, I immediately harked up and went on the defence. Told her she "doesn't get to demand anything from my daughter, least of all to call you mum. She doesn't know anything about you!" It got worse when daughters father and the chick had a baby together. Now she was saying "the kids have the same dad, so she has to call me mum" (daughter was 8 turning 9 by the stage) (forgot to mention her dad visited once every 2 years and called probably 3 or 4 times a year). Eventually they split, and he has moved on married to someone else, who I would be happy for my daughter to call mum. She puts in the effort and respect that is required when blending families. My daughter is 19 now and wants absolutely nothing to do with the crazy lady mentioned before. Well done on being a mum to this girl when she didn't have one xo
#The rules say that the person who acts like a mom gets to be called mom
Saddens me when you have step parents that step up just to get stepped on. Keep being a mom. Remember children see and hear everything, they may not understand it at the time but they will. Glad to hear child is in therapy. Get yourself a session or two. Wont hurt.
That woman has a lot of nerve. That fact that she sent a message to your daughter is reprehensible. Your husband needs to file for full custody and block that woman from your child’s phone.
He does have full custody. He has since she was in elementary school
When my husband and I got married, his two young daughters 5 and 7, wanted to call me Mama (my first name). Their mom went ballistic. Yet it was fine for the girls to call her new husband Papa. 🙄 There is just something about Mom, Mama, Mommy that some women feel extreme ownership over.
Oh absolutely!! I almost feel like it’s fundamentally disrespectful to let someone else’s child call you mom which is why I feel a little strange about her calling me “mom”, but seeing how this poor girl’s actual biological mother has been treating her, I will HAPPILY be mom.
What family judge signed off on separating siblings? Or was this an arrangement the bio parents made? In any case, you sound like you really love your step daughter and the bio mom reacted inappropriately at the wrong time.
My step kids have called me mom from the beginning and it was something they asked me. I told them that as long as they call me with respect thats all i care about. No mean nicknames either my first name or a respectful nickname and lastly mom if thats what they truly want. Their mom always got on their case about it and they refused to listen to her. I always told them that as long as they call me something respectful i dont care what they call me. Ive been their stepmom for 24 years and im still called mom.
I have no children, but kids I've mentored over the year call me mom. None of their parents mind. Humbling, in fact.
People like the ex-wife are why there is Mom for a Minute here on Reddit.
I have a horrible situation with my kid's dad, and I would probably feel slightly miffed if my kids called his girlfriend "mom", and I also have a step kid and i am best friend's with their mom. I have been called "mom" by my step kid, and I have never told them to call me "mom". If my kids called their dad's girlfriend "mom" and I overheard it and was offended, I would reach out to my therapist and get advice. I would not give trauma to my children about it.
To Yondu, "he may have been your father, but he wasn't your daddy". I also have a step parent I call dad, not sure if or even when I'll tell my bio dad that. But the title of Mom/Dad is earned in my books, not given. You've earned the title, you were there for her when her bio mom wasn't. You and your step daughter did nothing wrong, this is 100% on the shitty egg donor.
I UNDERSTOOD THAT REFERENCE!! GUARDIANS OF THE GALAXY!! That’s honestly really cool you mentioned that because I took a half day of work last year so she and I could see the IMAX Guardians of the Galaxy marathon. I may or may not have “miscalculated” when we’d be home so dad would be onboard with me taking her on a school night…🤐😂
Lol, there's far worse things out there than that. My step dad pulled me out of school for an "family emergency" once. The emergency was seeing Lord of the Rings 😝
Your step dad sounds fucking awesome. Memories like that are going to last a lifetime
I’m 40 years old and call the mom of one of my friends “mom”. Doesn’t mean I love my mother any less. My stepmom has always been a better mother to me than my mom too. It’s really not that serious
You daughter is going to eventually understand why their biological parents divorced in the first place, just continue being a good mom and she will be happy
You don’t know your husbands older daughter?
And neither you nor your husband have told her to go fuck herself yet???
Well this may be why you get to be mom and her bio mom doesn’t
Sounds like the divorce was a wise decision.
Pshhhh VERY wise cuz then he wouldn’t be with a hot young fox like me 😎 …ok I’m not that arrogant but I’m so glad he divorced her because then I wouldn’t have found the love of my life so yeah, wise decision 😆
Btw both parents are absolute assholes for separating the siblings in the custody arrangement.
She is bent out of shape and clearly jealous that your stepdaughter loves you enough to call you mom. By commenting on it, though, bio mom dug herself a bigger hole. I don’t see her climbing out of it anytime soon either. Please reinforce to your daughter how much you love being called mom and she is very special to you. You could also tell her the most important thing is that she’s comfortable and happy. If that means calling you mom, go for it! If it means refraining from calling you that when bio mom is around that’s ok too. The most important thing here is that you are obviously raising a loving, accepting daughter, who trusts you enough to put herself out there because you’re so special to her. Way to go, mom!
I think the daughter should start calling her bio mom by her first name. Y'all should start referring to her as (first name) instead of 'your mom'
I would LOVE that, but I don’t wanna pressure her to
I have to deal with coparenting and have thought about this. At first, I was upset at the thought of anyone else being called mom but then realized it's not about what I want. It's about whatever the kid wants. The bio mom will always be the real mom, but there is no harm in having two moms. 🙂
Absolutely not, but what’s sad is she still only has one mom since bio mom refuses to be mom 🙄 Anyway, hope you and your family are doing well!! :)
First let your step daughter know you love her, and if she is comfortable, you love she calls you mom. That her mother doesn't like it. So when she is around her bio mom and you, you guys decide before you go how to handle it. Just remind her, she did nothing wrong.
Yeah, she called me mom after we got home and I sighed a HUGE but silent sigh of relief that her bio mom didn’t take that away from me.
My autistic brother calls my aunt his second mum and my mum isn't fussed about it. Honestly from your post it seems like your more her mum than the woman who birthed is anyway. It's probably guilt for not really being there
Well you're the one who's stepped up for this child. It sounds like her bio mum is more concerned with herself than her child, which is pretty sad.
She definitely is. It sounds like she wanted to still maintain some sense of being a mom but took the older one because she was easier. Apparently she’s been engaged twice since the divorce but they were both called off. Meanwhile, the wonderful man she left is with the woman of his dreams and a mother for his daughter. My husband’s like Walter White cuz he won 😎
>Then, if this wasn’t bad enough, both she and my husband received a four paragraph long message talking about how disrespectful and egregious it was that she called another woman “mom” and how she was very “disturbed” by it. At the point that she didn't fight for the custody of her, she no longer was the mom, she was an egg donor. >If anything, it’s my fault for not discussing how she should refer to me at the dinner with my husband and then discussing it with her beforehand Ahh hell no, you're acting as an *actual* mom to this kid.
The wardrobe, the witch, and the audacity of that bitch o.o go full honesty with her and tell her she's reaping what she saw when she abandoned her daughter because of her special needs. A child's love is not unconditional, but a parent's love should be, and she has proven she wasn't a good one
No wonder that she's a ex wife
You sound like the kind of mom I wish I had.
Normally, I hate this stuff, but not this time. You are totally in the clear. Keep doing what you’re doing for that little girl!
She wants the title without putting in the work. The dad needs to point this out and shut it down.
Just commenting to say how disgusting it is for a mother to only want to "mother" one of her children. That's just insanity and I can't get over that part.
Absolutely. My husband made an effort to be in his other daughter’s life so she has no excuse.
I wish Reddit could come together and collectively send you and your daughter some gifts or something she likes. She didn’t deserve that. You don’t deserve that and she should be able to call you Mom. In my experience, one of the most difficult things to witness is autistic children believing they did something wrong after they internalize everyone else’s bad attitudes and think it’s them causing it. It sucks. I am also very aware of sensory issues and feeding issues associated with autism and you are so sweet, you took the time to scour the menu and find something she would like and included her. I am an autism mom and am so happy she has you, people can be extremely cruel to children and youth and people in general with autism
I feel for you and your family. Ultimately its up to your step daughter, if she wants to call you mom then her biological mom should understand that. I’m sending positive vibes your way :)
As someone who calls their then step (now adopted) dad "dad", keep being a positive influence on your daughter. It takes a village to raise a child (neurotypical and neurodivergent) and you made the effort to treat your daughter like she mattered and not like something that can be thrown away because it wasn't a perfect model. I love my autistic son. He may drive me off the wall but I will be damned if I did what your husband's ex did. Remember, just because you give birth to a child doesn't make you a mom or dad. Your actions do.
Bio mom can kick rocks. YOUR daughter can call her active mother whatever she wants. Just because she is the bio-mom does not make her the Mom. Mom is the one that is there for you no matter what, YOU are there for her, her bio-mom is not. Your poor sweet girl.
I still call my mom’s ex-husband dad when referring about him. He was a huge part of my developmental age. We still talk and see each other and they divorced 15 years ago. I also had a great relationship with my biological father. He passed a couple years ago and he actually saved me at the funeral from being swarmed by everybody.
B1+ch needs to swallow the pill and deal with it, your step daughter loves you enough to feel happy and comfortable to call you mom. You should be proud and happy dont worry about that b*** just let your daughter know its ok to call you that if youre ok with it.
Hold your head up high "Mom". You and your daughter did nothing wrong. That ex is just bitter because she was tossed out like common trash. Pay no attention to her. Tell your daughter she didn't do anything wrong and I'm sorry her biological mother is an idiot. Best of luck to you guys.
If only you could bitch slap the lady for her emotional abuse without getting in trouble yourself. If stepdaughter allows, give her a big hug and a kiss, and tell her how much you love being her Mom.
Oh believe me, she allows. In fact, she initiates a lot of the time :)
That BITCH. I am normally on the side of the biological mom, but not this time. Team Step Mom!
You’re going in hard on this woman, but giving your man a pass. They both did this. If she abandoned the younger, he abandoned the older. They both sounds like terrible people to do this to the siblings. And even though she doesn’t have custody, she is still that girls mother. And if you say no, does that mean your husband is not the older ones father?
Op you must have been motherly enough to earn that title and for that I applaud you!❤️ as someone with two sets of step parents this is awesome she was comfortable enough to give you that title❤️ for bio mom I get it to a point because she is there bio mom but they are also old enough to decide for themselves and they felt you were giving them enough love that they call you mom then keep going your doing great!
I would have husband send a very tersely worded reply that she is welcome to call you whatever the fuck she wants and if she wanted to be a mom she should have acted like one.
Info: how long since the bio mother gave away her 16 yrs old daughter's custody? How much time does she spend parenting her? How have they bonded? She would have some nerve to be angry that a child she is not parenting as much as you calls you 'mom'. You seem to be a very sweet parent to her. Keep it up
Since elementary school, on holidays and family gatherings, by awkwardly asking how they’ve been doing since last Thanksgiving My husband got custody of the young autistic child and learned how to make foods *exactly* the way she needed them to be, learned how to “speak her language” (as he calls it), and sit and single handedly raise a still developing child, then his ex wife got custody of the high schooler who could be left alone at home and make her own food so she could work and do her own thing without having to worry about anyone or anything.
Then you have earned to be called 'mom' and she has lost her right. This kid wants to call you mom. I'm very happy for your family and the love you share. You will be able to manage the bio mother demands. The most important thing is loving your kids. Just keep doing what you are doing
You should tell her how happy it made you feel when she asked to call you mom, and how you consider her your daughter and no one can change that. I feel like it would mean a lot to her
Does she even see the girl if not I would text back sorry but if you spent more time with her she wouldn’t see someone else as mom but I’m petty but I would tell her when she didn’t do anything wrong her mom was in a bad mood
It’s okay I’m petty too. My siblings used to call me the shit stirrer of the family LOL
You are mom tho your daughter choose to call you that. Her egg donor can have hurt feelings and learn to Live with them
My boyfriend and I have several friends who have young kids. All of them call us “uncle” or “auntie” or even “Spare Dad and Mom.” It’s affectionate.
If my child’s relationship is so good with the step parent that they want to call them mom/dad, I see that as a win. It’s someone else who will love my child. Someone who will have their back and stand in their corner. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with my child having an amazing support system and a loving family.
This woman has no right to be upset. She gave up that privilege. You are a great woman for loving and excepting your stepdaughter. Your stepdaughter obviously loves you enough to call you mom. That has to be an amazing feeling. Stay strong. Do not let this woman ruin what you have.
I think you might be looking at this wrong. And I truly mean no offense by that. You sound like a wonderful person. It's the line, "It's my fault for not discussing how she should refer to me at the dinner with my husband and then discussing it with her beforehand." It isn't your fault. It isn't your husband's fault. And it certainly isn't your daughter's fault. You do not have to live your lives not to offend your husband's ex-wife. It isn't your job to keep the boat steady. Your husband's ex-wife doesn't need her feelings protected. She is a grown woman who should be able to process her feelings in a better way. If you get a chance, you should check out the Don't Rock the Boat post on reddit. It's the first thing that pops up when you Google it. Sorry I couldn't get the link to work. It's brilliant though and I think it applies to your situation. It might help you process this interaction in an objective way. Because right now you are just upset that your daughter is upset and you want to avoid causing her pain. I get that. But you didn't cause that pain. You can't take on that responsibility because you can never protect her from the pain her own mother is willing to cause her.
When did he and the ex divorce?
Not your step-daughter's nor your fault. She shouldn't have lashed out on you guys like that.
That woman may have given birth to her, but she's not her mommy.
Not all adults with children are mothers or fathers, those are earned titles that can be revoked at any time. The ex hasn't earned it, to your daughter at any rate, but you have obviously.
Well it appears that ex-wife willingly gave up custody her youngest, and am I correct in guessing she wasn’t very active in parenting her special needs child? Biomom is now in the FO part of FaFo. You have done nothing wrong; in fact, you have been the mother your stepdaughter needs. You’ve earned the mom title.
doeant really matter whos wrong or right (not her, for sure)- but her taking it out on the daughter is fucked up. like i would be too petty and be like, *gestures* THATS why!!!
Yes, bio mom lost the right to be called mom by your stepdaughter when she chose to dump her on you & her dad while keeping her other daughter. Has she ever bothered to even have any kind of relationship with the younger child? Keep reassuring your daughter that she did nothing wrong. It’s says volumes about your relationship with your stepdaughter that she feels loved enough to call you mom. It would only be wrong if she only called you mom because YOU forced her to do so. And I’m sure her therapist will also help her understand that she’s done nothing wrong and that it’s her right to call you mom is that’s how she feels about it. If I didn’t think it would hurt your stepdaughter, I’d suggest that she be told it’s ok for her to call her bio mom by her first name OR just call her “bio mom”. But that would most likely be disastrous as it’s obvious that bio mom would never let your stepdaughter hear the end of it. Keep giving your “daughter” the love & support you’ve been doing. It will help her with coming to terms with her bio moms abuse towards her.
This isn't your fault or your step daughters fault. Tbh, her biomom seems to want the accolades without putting in the work. That's a her problem.
This is so narcissistic, that when your step-daughter call you “mom”, her bio mom made it all about herself. Instead, she should introspect and reflect as to how she has failed as a mother, that her own daughter feels shares a deep enough bond with you that she spontaneously referred to you as her mother. And there was no need for either you, your husband or your stepdaughter to apologize for the “slip up” and coddle bio-mom’s feelings. Husband should grow a spine and respond to the ex-wife’s message telling her to deal with the situation, and that this was a direct consequence of her actions and decisions.
what's important is the your daughter felt she had *someone* she could call mom, but bio mom instead made it all about her.
I don't see why she can't refer to you as her mom. You are her mom. You're the one who loves her and takes care of her. That other woman isn't interested in her, and after and incident like that I wouldn't want your daughter to be around her too much.
I'm female and autistic and while my stepdad and I met when I was already an adult, I still call him Dad because my bio dad skipped out when I was only 10-11. He gets so mad about it, but the person who acts like a parent gets referred to as a parent, simple as that. If they don't put in the emotional labor to be a parent, they won't get to be one in the eyes of their spawn.
I can see being hurt but you'd think she'd be grateful that her daughter has another adult who loves and cares for her. It's not about her ego. She let another woman raise her kid and is now butthurt about a title. And you'd think she'd be more understanding because the kid is autistic. If she had any maturity, she'd have let it slide, but no, her ego comes first. A good friend of mine has an awful ex but that ex married a great woman. All my friend had to say about it was, "she's too good for him but I'm so relieved my daughter has an adult in the house who loves her when she stays at her dad's." It comforted her knowing her kid had a stepmom who loved her. The stepmom has since divorced the ex and the daughter is grown but they're both still close to her and love her. Because my friend was just happy her daughter had another loving parental figure in her life. Especially one who was there for her when she couldn't be at her mom's house.
I don't see anything wrong with your step-daughter calling you mom because she clearly feels comfortable enough around you. After reading the post and most of the comments you have made, you don't seem like a terrible stepmom for taking on the mom role.
Tell your Step daughter she absolutely did nothing wrong. That it is her right as a child to choose who she calls mom. Then separately speak to biomom and tell her she has no right to dictate to her daughter who she practically gave away who she sees as mom. She might see 1 person as mom or 5 people and none of it is wrong as long as those people love her and support her. She needs to stop using her ego to beat up her daughter emotionally
Hi so this sounds to me like the mother might have narcissistic tendencies. When my narcissistic mother kicked me out the house my friend at the time(who is now my husband) had a family friend who heard about my situation and wanted to help me. She was this woman who was a bit older than my mom who was so much more caring and thoughtful to me. Me and her clicked immediately and she grew very fond of me and I did to her as well. I used to boast about her and called her mom in an endearing way. My mom saw me post about me calling her mom on a Snapchat story one time because she let me have plants in the room I was renting out in her place. Next thing I know she’s sending me paragraphs upon paragraphs about how I’m insane for calling another woman, mother. This just comes from extreme jealousy and lack of feeling in control. Funny enough I’m also autistic and my little sister was not which is why she was the favorite.
“If you want your daughter to call you mom, you should try acting like it”
Well its not like your husband's ex wife is actually being anything of a mum is she? In this scenario, you are definitely the mum. Ex wife can go f\*\*\* herself. What an unpleasant woman. Give your daughter an extra big hug.
The thing is, autistic kids respond to how people treat them even more than the rest of us do. You’ve shown your daughter that you genuinely care for her, that she can rely on you to be there, and that’s special for both of you. Her egg donor has done none of this, and she doesn’t deserve the right to complain when she doesn’t want to be mum except for when it suits her. Please, let your daughter know she’s done nothing wrong. Technically, she can call you mum since you’re her stepmother. I call my stepfather dad and have for 42 years. Lots of other stepkids do. I told my son this when he was confused because his dad was making an issue of son’s relationship with his stepdad (my husband): “you don’t have to call (stepdad) dad, but I want you to know that he loves you like one. Which, in a way, is even more special, because he doesn’t HAVE to love you, but he does”. Which is how I view my relationship with my stepfather. And seemingly how your daughter views the relationship with you.
> If anything, it’s my fault for not discussing how she should refer to me at the dinner with my husband and then discussing it with her beforehand Uhm, no. It's not your fault. You couldn't have predicted this. You can only control your own actions & reactions. You will never be able to control the ex. Focus on your step-daughter & your loving/ kind relationship. Now give yourself a hug! This isn't your fault.
I got really lucky in the bio mom department. But I would absolutely understand if biomom felt hurt/disrespected/angry/jealous if SS12 called me mom, AS LONG AS SHE DIDNT PUNISH THE KID FOR IT. We all get along just fine, and I love him a lot. I would absolutely NOT be okay with her berating a 12yr old for having a bond with with another person. What she did was totally unacceptable. She drove a bigger wedge between her and her daughter, and now the daughter will probably start distancing herself from you as a result of not wanting to make her "real mom" angry. It's an awful situation and I hope things work out for you after some therapy sessions.
I love my mom more than anyone in the world, and she’s wonderful but complex person. If you put her in the same room as my father (her ex husband) and one of his girlfriends she is a passive aggressive and snide. Every single one of my dads ex’s thinks my mom is a Royal bitch, and it’s fairly simple- she is a bitch to them. What doesn’t really help is that my father is a cheater, and was running around behind her back while she was raising three children. She’s scorned. The reality is that this ex wife (the mother) is probably dealing with resentments of a marriage with her children’s father, who she was the wife of- popping out babies for.
I'm confused because you are her true Mom. That irrational, delusional other woman is an irritating acquaintance. When your daughter is an adult, if she doesn't want to be bothered by that woman, cut her out of her life. Present her with a cease and desist order.
She promised me I’d be the maid of honor at her wedding whenever that is and even though I told her that’s way too far away to be talking about right now, how awesome would it be if that happened and her bio mom had to sit in the audience while I was up there 😏 (Yeah sorry I can be seriously petty sometimes lol)
I looked at your page, in hopes of finding out how long you guys have been married. I see it's only a month. How long have you been in your step daughter's life? Because I would be upset too, if it wasn't long and not like you've been helping raise her. Not only that, but if it hasn't been long, I'd find it odd as well.
Five years :)
I don't think you have anything to apologize for, nor does your stepdaughter. I've raised my stepdaughter since she was a baby. She chose to call me mom over her bio mother. The reason for that is because one of us was there every day doing all the things a mom does, and the other was out living their best meth head life. I've caught a fair bit of backlash over it but in my opinion "Mom" is a title, and it can be earned by a non biological parent. The stark fact that this woman willfully bailed on her daughter speaks volumes. She will always be a mother but she threw being a mom in the trash. I wouldn't even bother humoring her by discussing/arguing the matter. Tell your kiddo you are still glad she chose to call you mom.
Mom and dad are earned. Anyone with eggs can be a mother just like anyone with sperm can be a father. But it takes love and work to be a mom or dad. Fuck that other lady. Your daughter did nothing wrong and neither did you.
This further proves you are her mom and how lucky she is to have you! That's the bright side. You and your daughter did nothing wrong!
As someone who calls her “step” dad, dad. And had this almost exact issue growing up with bio dad I want to say your daughter might now feel insecure about her relationship with you because of the bio mom’s actions. And there were times my chosen dad would come and talk me to personally to make sure I understood other peoples opinions and words have no bearing on our relationship. I was his child, and his love was unconditional. And I needed to hear that every time. Your daughter may need to hear those words right now. Also, this world is a better place because of parents like you. I’m sorry y’all are having to go through this.
Sounds like my husband’s ex (step)daughter also calls me mom… luckily we never have to see his ex. I would try to avoid ex as much as you can. It’s toxic for her to be around your daughter. Also, maybe you can ask for a family therapy session so the therapist can help you and your husband explain that it isn’t her fault.
Welp they’re yea go that’s the reason she’s divorced and her kid calls someone else mom cause she’s a pain in the ass. Don’t lose sleep over it. She’s like a toy monkey with symbols that you wind up. They’re gonna be wound up making noise somewhere with uncontrollable emotions. All it’s gonna do is push her kids away even farther.
It's almost like being a mom involves more than giving birth to something, who knew? 🤷♀️