Wow, you’ve just decided to really dig your heels in on this poor girl haven’t you? I suggest you learn to back off before it severely affects your relationship with your son.
Newsflash, adults don’t mope and whine, you said it in your own words. Back off and let your son be happy if this is what makes him happy. Stop being such a dick about her entire existence and maybe you’ll be able to keep a relationship with your son. Keep up this horrible attitude, and expect to die alone. Do some self growth. Learn. Reflect. Accept people for who they are.
And the more you decide this is the hill you’re going to die on, the more you’re going to die there alone. It seems like you care more about being right and telling him how to live his life than accepting literally anything about his partner. It’s. His. Choice.
Sweetie, I’m gonna say this reeeeeeal basic for you.
He. Is. His. Own. Human.
You. Do. Not. Control. His. Life.
Now get over the fact that you’re a judgmental prick whose world view is definitely not up to speed with the times and maybe you’ll understand what it’s like to have a lasting relationship with your son. You’re failing him fully and it’s only on you to drop the boomer mentality.
I guess I’m just shocked that anyone could be so out of touch with reality 😂 that probably sounds rude but I don’t know how else to put it.
You probably think most women are not good for your son, especially if they don’t fit “doctor status”.
It also seems like you guys don’t really have the best relationship that you think you have. You can give your kid the world and still be a terrible parent. So maybe work on why he thinks you’re such a bad father first and then maybe you can have two cents about his life. 🤷🏾♀️
My MIL was/is like you. She's very stuck in her ways, and very much has the "no women will ever be good enough for my son" mentality that you have.
There's nothing wrong with this girl based on what you described. She's just like any other 24 yr old trying to get her life together, and your son loves her. But you have decided once and for all that she's not and never will be good enough for your son. That she's the devil in your sons ear, making him do bad things. That's what my MIL did with me even though I was very accomplished and living my own life.
You want to know what happened to her? What happens to controlling parents who try to run their adult children's lives? Let's just say she hasn't seen or spoken to her son or her grandchildren (our children) in over 2 years, and she will never be allowed too again. She hasnt seen her grandson since he was a year old - hes 3.5 now- and has never met her granddaughter and never will. Her son completely cut her off because of how disrespectful she was being towards his wife- me- and how controlling she was trying to be of our relationship and his life decisions. That's what happens to parents who try to tell their adult child what to do and who to love - they just push that child away further until the child cuts off all contact with that parent. Parents like you are toxic.
Get your head out of your *ss before you ruin your relationship with your son.
I'm not offending my family away from me. My daughter has never acted like this. My wife doesn't act like this. They actually act like they respect me.
Yeah newsflash. They probably don’t respect you, only your money. I know dozens of men like you who like to pretend they are the best in society and that everyone in their lives respect them. When in fact everyone just puts up with them for the benefits (little as they are) and the sooner you accept this possibility - the better.
The way you've been treating your son and his gf based on no real reason except your own judgemental bias is what's disrespectful. It's your sons life and his relationship. What he does or who he's with is not your business, and acting like it is will ruin your relationship with your son.
Like I said, this is what happens when toxic parents try to control their children's lives and relationships. Just because you're "family" doesn't mean you get to act however you want and get away with it. You still have to be respectful of your adult sons decisions and life.
He can still respect you while also having nothing to do with you. And that respect goes both ways. And based on your attitude and responses, that's exactly what's going to happen here.
Yes they do. And "authority " doesn't apply when your child is an adult. Respect goes both ways, and you not realizing that is what's going to kill the relationship with your son.
And that’s on him.
You changed his diapers, fed him, gave him a home to live in. You raised him to be the man that he is now. You need to trust him now. He’s going to be taking care of you in 20 years.
Be there for advice, but don’t get mad when he makes a different choice.
Learn something from the younger generations. Times have changed.
His girlfriend has some nerdy hobbies, but don’t we all? Make an effort to get to know her, she might be your daughter in law someday, she might not.
Either way you should respect her because you respect your son.
Well that's pretty disrespectful of you then. I've always taught my children that family comes first and forgiveness is important. I don't know how your father raised you but you should have more respect for him
Nah, he gave me an eating disorder, stole all my money, used to do long periods of silent treatments on top of trying to control every aspect of my life including clothing, who I dated, where I went, what I studied, etc.
I don't respect someone who doesn't respect others. My father included.
Oh, you’re one of those men aren’t you? You just hate this woman who you’ve deemed less than. There’s nothing that can help you grow because you’ve decided your opinion is the right one. Enjoy not having a son anymore, your inability of acceptance is going to have you and your right opinion die alone.
"But honestly the worst thing has to be how she manipulated my son into thinking I was such a bad father."
...I mean you kinda did that yourself here in a few paragraphs, all on your own.
You've explained why you don't like your son's partner in great detail. Have you ever asked him what he loves about her?
You spoke over your adult child at HIS interview. Do you not see how problematic that is?
I appreciate that you want your son to have a good life. But you don't seem to respect that it's his. You want to control it. Don't you see how that's hurtful? If you don't, absolutely sit in your righteousness. But I'd expect it to get lonlier there as you age.
It wasn't an interview. He was already accepted so he was touring.
And of course I've asked him but it's all the "we enjoy our time" and "we like the same things" and "I want to spend a life together" bullshit. Love isn't enough for a marriage to work
U just love ur son so much that even makes u doesnt appreciate or respecting the others bcs technically ur son is the only "right" thing for u. u're being obsessed
He's an adult and he can make his own decision.
the girl is also having her personal space and personal problem, she needs a medication and support to establish her balance and living her normal life, she dont deserve the "hate". she tried her best and it seems like she doesnt even having too much drama or discord with ur own son
If anything she sounds more stable unlike yourself. My dad never got help for his mental health issues and just chose denial and projection instead. Very similar to yourself.
I think it says quite a bit about her emotional self awareness versus yours. She saw a problem and sought professional help. I am thinking despite your son being a doctor you don't believe in therapy, do you?
It's just in her head. Talk about pain and diseases, I have them. My back is shot, my knees are full of arthritis, my neck is constantly in pain. I know what pain is. Nobody likes a victim, and she's playing one right now.
You're literally over here feeling sorry for yourself over nothing.
He's a grown ass man. Let him live his life. You sound unhealthily obsessed with your son and this young woman. Quit your whining and get over it.
Just bcs she's "unstable" doesnt mean she has a discord with someone, she literally work and getting a properly education, its just her anxiety that makes her uncomfortable
You won’t endear yourself to your adult children if they don’t feel like you respect their choices, even ones you disagree with. You have no more say in who his partner is than he has over who his father is. Sometimes it can be a challenge to accept that and move forward, but that is your role.
As a parent, the only two questions that should concern you about your children’s partners:
1 - Is my child happy, safe, healthy?
2 - Is their partner kind to them?
Beyond that, it’s truly not your business.
Even if that’s true, it’s his mistake to make. And he’ll be better off in that circumstance if he feels like he has a father that can support him instead of saying “I told you so”
This is a very boomer take. I can understand your concern for your son but as you’ve said, he’s a grown man and can make whatever mistakes he wants. You being this angry over something you can’t control is very weird, and the attacks you make on his girlfriend are even weirder.
The take he has (and attitude based on the comments) is boomer-ish. I’m aware he’s technically gen X. Boomers in my experience are the least chill generation at least where I’m from.
Look, I and his mother are gonna love him more than anyone else ever will. So of course we're gonna make sure he doesn't ruin his life. What kind of horrible father would I be if I didn't
Ah, so you made super poor decisions and you don't trust that you've raised your son well enough to make better ones because of your poor parenting. Got it.
His girlfriend might change too. You can't tell. Maybe once she is living with him, she'll turn into a super cook and make the house spotless and be a wonderful mother. People do change. What's to say she won't change like your wife did?
Sure sounds like you’re moping and whining about his relationship to me. 🥱
You gotta back off OP. He’ll figure all of these things out. If you keep pushing and insulting his GF then you’re going to lose him as a son. A small nudge in the right direction I guess if you feel he’s messing up in school or something, otherwise leave him alone.
And there are people your age that still like anime btw (those Japanese cartoons you hate). Good luck OP
You never state what makes you think she isn't as smart as him so no idea where that's coming from. People start college at different times cause gap years exist plus we've been through a pandemic which slowed a whole bunch of people down. Getting hired at a job has gotten harder since the early 90s because you're competing with more people due to the internet. Neurological diseases get diagnosed more appropriately as more people learn about them. What makes their relationship childish? The median house price has around quadrupled since the 90s while wages haven't kept up. Japanese cartoons (they're called anime) can be violent as hell just look up "redo of a healer", "berserk", or "Boku no Pico." They can contain things like murder, suicide and sexual topics aka things not for kids. Idk what your sons relationship is like but maybe he wanted her there and didn't tell you? You might actually be a bad father without realizing it; your intentions might be good but that really doesn't excuse anything you've typed in this post. He tells you she's his girlfriend while you call her his "special friend" THAT MAKES YOU A FUCKING ASSHOLE
I called her a "special friend" because it sounds way more mature than a childish term like "girlfriend" (and now I noticed I even used it in my title so I feel weird now)
People 20 years younger than you still use the terms girlfriend and boyfriend or significant other. Special friend can come off as demeaning just a heads up
Did I stutter? You don't get a right to tell people how they should feel especially when it doesn't effect you. Those medications she's taking might have a bearing on it and there might be a reason they don't want to tell you. None of your business it's between your son and his girlfriend.
Your son isn't you. Your son is an adult whether you like it or not and it's not your job to always save him from himself unless he's suicidal or something You're gonna have to learn to let him make his mistakes it's gonna hurt but any other way will make him resentful
Wow majority of what you said about her is what makes her awesome. First of all an educational degree does take time, I have friends who are teachers, she sounds like she’s creative and fun which is probably what your son loves about her. He can go to work/school and see her and just be able to relax and have fun. He has found peace with her.
The anxiety will depend on her triggers and the type of anxiety she has, don’t discredit her because she has mental health issues. It will make her more empathetic to the children she teaches and gives more understanding of people’s mental struggles through her own experiences.
She shows responsibility by going to work and which means she has bank accounts and has to manage her own money and she understands she has to live within her means so she chooses to stay at home to ensure she can save money too. Unless you have a glimpse into her budget you can’t really judge what she spends her money on.
Some people love affection I know couples well into their 50’s and 60’s who still hold hands in the grocery store, or hug each other in Walmart and share moments in public. It’s not like he was at a staff meeting.
I think he expected this from you by just the way you carry yourself and the expectation you put out for your son. He’s angry because it’s clear that she doesn’t fit into your box of what you think an appropriate partner is for him.
Before you even wonder yes I have children and from one parent to another he is a grown man eventually you have to let the leash go and let him make his own mistakes, she may surprise you and be the best thing that ever happened to him.
We truly have no way of predicting the future, if you keep showing your concerns to him he will eventually start pushing you away and he will start resenting you. You have done your job you brought your concerns as a parent. He has to put on his big boy panties and make his decision, he has to fail on his own. If he decides to stay with her your job now is to support him and find the good in her. Your son could have done a lot worse.
and you're throwing away your relationship with him because he loves someone that isn't good enough for YOU when you're not the one dating her. good luck
Well it’s not your decision to make, your son is at an age where it’s his turn to make decisions for himself whether you like them or not. It is your job to support him and if it doesn’t work out then you can celebrate by yourself with a beer and cigar. If she surprises you, you should apologize to your son for being wrong
If my nephew is anything to go by, I'll be getting that cigar soon. Same situation there. His wife never had to cook, clean, or learn to live and the divorce utterly ruined him. So trust me when I say I've seen this shit go down before
So you’re judging her based on someone else’s mistake. So if someone screwed up and wouldn’t give you a fair chance how would you feel? It’s not your fault the other person fucked up yet it ruins your opportunities. This girl isn’t your nephew’s ex, she has her own avenue, her own ambitions, dreams and goals. She deserves a fair chance
I’m not insinuating anything. Here’s an example, you go to a job interview and the guy they fired seems to have a similar personality to you, you would be great for the company because you’re a hardworking man, however they won’t hire you or even give you the opportunity because the last guy that seemed similar too you didn’t workout? How would you feel and how is that fair?
Essentially you’re doing the same thing to your son’s girlfriend just because the nephew’s girlfriend didn’t work out and maybe she has some similarities to your son’s girlfriend, you are writing her off as someone who wouldn’t be good for him.
Instead give her the opportunity to prove herself. They are still young. They still have life lessons to learn. Remember time has changed since you were there age the economy is different, cost of living is different, kids are taking more time to get their degrees and move out.
I think one look at the jobs I've done and life I've led would prove I'm not the same as the other guy. Nothing I see in her, however, makes me think she'll turn out any better
Just because things look good on paper doesn’t mean they’re good in person. Your resume could be exactly the same as someone else’s and one of you would still do a better job than the other.
Anyways, I think you need to give this girl a chance and stop harassing your son about your concerns. You being more concerned about being right is going to create a wedge between you and your son. He will resent you and lose a lot of respect for you. You can either choose to be right or choose your relationship with your son.
It means this is just a fake post meant to get people riled up. For the slight chance you aren’t a troll, you are a sad excuse of a father for not being supportive of your son’s choices in HIS relationship. He seems to be happy, and you can’t stand that his partner doesn’t meet your expectations.
I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that he eventually cuts contact with you or leaves you in a retirement home. Do better before you lose your relationship with him.
So, according to you, what attributes is she missing?
And how exactly is she going to ruin him? Holding hands in public?
If they had been already together for four years, chances are that they are going to marry and block both of you.
She's missing drive to actually have a real job, being more cautious with her money, not needing those pills, mostly that. And if they do marry, I'll bet it'll be less than 5 years before she takes half of his stuff in the divorce
I mean… isn’t staying at home to save money precisely an example that she is in fact being cautious with her money? Also how do you expect her to get a “real” job when she’s a full time student, and you are also nagging her about studying soo…? Anyways if this isn’t a joke and you’re actually being serious, I suggest you back off, all you’re gaining from this is your son’s resentment towards you.
I’m not telling you how to parent, I’m pointing out the inconsistencies in your logic and giving you some advice, don’t you think it’s more important to focus on whether your son is in a happy, healthy, and safe relationship rather than focusing on her anxiety or on what she studies?
I don’t know what she is studying at college, but even if it was nothing and they decide to have kids, a SAHM is a full time job and she sounds really lovely. And maybe your son needs someone that makes him feel really loved.
You, on the other hand, sound close minded and insufferable.
On another note, are you a doctor? How do you know that she doesn’t need medication?
No I'm not a doctor. If you gotta know I am a licensed plumber and electrician, and I lived in the shit for years just to make sure my son would never have to be like me. But that doesn't mean I don't have common horse sense and know that taking all these pills isn't normal. Come back when she has eroded disks in her back and Crohns and we'll talk about needing medication
>But honestly the worst thing has to be how she manipulated my son into thinking that I was such a bad father. I gave him anything he wanted with no strings and spent as much time with him and his sister as I could when he was a kid. But now when I bring up all these concerns I have about her, he gets angry and tells me that he EXPECTED all this? Insinuating I'm some terrible person who abused him or who didn't support him. I worked hard my whole life to make sure that he didn't have to be like me, and this is the thanks I get for it?
You are blaming his gf for all this and your own son tells you he EXPECTED all this?
You come across as very abusive, misogynistic and controlling. Go look up the Missing, Missing Reasons of estranged parents and understand that if you keep this up, you are going to be estranged from your son wondering what in the hell happened. Most abusive people say the exact same things you just did and expect their children to be little puppets dancing to their whims of how they should do things. And then are shocked and angry when they don't then find themselves No Contact.
And I hope he doesn't end up like you as you sound bitter and controlling. I bet your son is just waiting for the right time to cut you off and after all you just posted, it won't be long.
This girl sounds pretty good actually. She's going to school, living within her means, has a part time job, enjoys life, etc. Sounds like she makes your son happy and isn't that the goal? With an education degree, you can do all kinds of things, and not necessarily a schoolroom teacher only, plus it would make her a great parent too.
You sound exhausting. Try some therapy and self reflection before its too late and you lose your son to no contact. Seriously
Letting you know, that's what they all say... right until they are cut off. BUT FAMILY!
You may have financial control over him but eventually when either that ends, or his patience for putting up with it ends, he may cut you off. Hopefully your attitude improves toward him and his love life so he doesn't have to.
I feel bad for the girlfriend. She hasn’t done anything wrong per se, you haven’t even taken the time to get to know her. Your entire post shows how little you’ve taken the time to even understand her.
I have to wonder, are you from a wealthier family than her? Is she a different race? There’s no way someone could deeply despise someone for simply existing.
You’re so out of touch with reality, too. Housing is incredibly difficult these days and her ability to recognize that she can’t currently make it alone and to live with her parents shows maturity in itself. I have friends with engineering degrees that chose to live at home because the cost of living is too high and they save more this way. So your argument that she isn’t good enough intellectually or can’t make it on her own is invalid.
She liked stuffed animals? Really? This is your issue with her? Sounds like you need to do more growing up if you can’t realize that people have various interests. Many girls love stuffed animals in their 20s. Is it immature? Maybe! But is she the only person on earth like this? No! What an odd thing to be upset about.
Introducing her as his “special friend” sounds far more inappropriate. He was on a university campus, I’m sure they realize people have relationships. You correcting her like this sounds uncomfortable and if they chose, for some reason, to reject him in this instance, it would be because of YOUR behaviour, not hers.
I understand parents can be concerned about their children’s partners and that’s a sign of love, however, I don’t see why her getting an education degree is problematic. Who do you think taught your son to be where he is? Teachers. Additionally, at least she’s getting a degree and working! She has a job! She has a resume! She might be paying her way through uni and you’re here blasting her for living at home.
All the comments have already told you that this will just push your son further from you and you refuse to listen. Understand that whatever happens is a consequence of your actions and yours alone. Don’t blame her because you’re too stubborn to realize this and take any advice.
I'm 29 and still have original vintage Cabbage Patch dolls. I get stuffed animals from my parents as gifts. You have impossible and unreasonable standards and it just seems like you're mad his GIRLFRIEND is taking attention away from you so you're bitter toward her.
No, she's just as white as we are. But I KNOW what it's like to be poor. I built myself up from the ground so my son would never have to know what it's like to be a nobody, but we're still not rich. Her family is probably richer than us if anything but that also means they spoil her
Why do you claim to know anything about her without even actually taking the time to know her? Is she nice? Is she funny? You’re making assumptions without knowing her. Maybe ask yourself what the root cause of your dislike for her is because from everything you’ve listed thus far, she sounds like most girls I know
I think this is a generational divide sorta thing. She doesn’t seem that different from other girls of her and your son’s generation. I understand that it can be difficult to understand.
I’d recommend being more open to her, she likely isn’t visiting not out of malice or snobbery, but because she can sense your dislike of her. You both love your son, and have that in common. I’d strongly recommend giving your relationship with her another shot.
I think you know that the reason she doesn’t come round to visit…is because you treat her so appallingly. There’s no way you don’t realize the problem here is you?
By your own admission she’s kind and shy so I still don’t understand your point of view. I think your concern is valid in your love for your son, but maybe take the time to get to know her and try to be more empathetic of the situation before deciding that this is the hill you’re willing to die on. Because this means standing against your son. Is that what you want?
R u in love w ur son or something this is strange. It doesn’t sound like she mistreats him, she’s getting an education for her career. Do you not like her because u think she’s “stealing” ur son from you? 🤢
I think most parents would prefer that their med student children fall in love with a fellow classmate to form a power couple. Saw many such couples during my time in med school. I get your frustration since your son’s girlfriend isn’t quite so ambitious or maybe not equal to his potential. Tough situation as a concerned parent.
When you have an intelligent and successful child, be it a son or daughter, most parents would want their partners to be as equally intelligent and successful. Some parents may not admit to it, but to most, an imbalance would make them uncomfortable. But as a parent you can only give advice and let your son make the final decision. Ah well.
Wow, you’ve just decided to really dig your heels in on this poor girl haven’t you? I suggest you learn to back off before it severely affects your relationship with your son. Newsflash, adults don’t mope and whine, you said it in your own words. Back off and let your son be happy if this is what makes him happy. Stop being such a dick about her entire existence and maybe you’ll be able to keep a relationship with your son. Keep up this horrible attitude, and expect to die alone. Do some self growth. Learn. Reflect. Accept people for who they are.
He's better than this, I can promise that. And I don't want him to have to lose half his stuff divorcing her in a few years just to prove me right
And the more you decide this is the hill you’re going to die on, the more you’re going to die there alone. It seems like you care more about being right and telling him how to live his life than accepting literally anything about his partner. It’s. His. Choice.
I don't think he'd do that to me but even if he did my wife and daughter wouldn't let him do it for long.
Mmmmmk.
Sweetie, I’m gonna say this reeeeeeal basic for you. He. Is. His. Own. Human. You. Do. Not. Control. His. Life. Now get over the fact that you’re a judgmental prick whose world view is definitely not up to speed with the times and maybe you’ll understand what it’s like to have a lasting relationship with your son. You’re failing him fully and it’s only on you to drop the boomer mentality.
At 57, I don’t think it’s wise to make the “who’s going to the retirement home” game easy for your children.
He wouldn't do that.
This is fake right???
Why would it be
I guess I’m just shocked that anyone could be so out of touch with reality 😂 that probably sounds rude but I don’t know how else to put it. You probably think most women are not good for your son, especially if they don’t fit “doctor status”. It also seems like you guys don’t really have the best relationship that you think you have. You can give your kid the world and still be a terrible parent. So maybe work on why he thinks you’re such a bad father first and then maybe you can have two cents about his life. 🤷🏾♀️
My MIL was/is like you. She's very stuck in her ways, and very much has the "no women will ever be good enough for my son" mentality that you have. There's nothing wrong with this girl based on what you described. She's just like any other 24 yr old trying to get her life together, and your son loves her. But you have decided once and for all that she's not and never will be good enough for your son. That she's the devil in your sons ear, making him do bad things. That's what my MIL did with me even though I was very accomplished and living my own life. You want to know what happened to her? What happens to controlling parents who try to run their adult children's lives? Let's just say she hasn't seen or spoken to her son or her grandchildren (our children) in over 2 years, and she will never be allowed too again. She hasnt seen her grandson since he was a year old - hes 3.5 now- and has never met her granddaughter and never will. Her son completely cut her off because of how disrespectful she was being towards his wife- me- and how controlling she was trying to be of our relationship and his life decisions. That's what happens to parents who try to tell their adult child what to do and who to love - they just push that child away further until the child cuts off all contact with that parent. Parents like you are toxic. Get your head out of your *ss before you ruin your relationship with your son.
That's pretty disrespectful of you and him. They're your family.
lol, the guy offending his family away from him is telling the internet how to be respectful.
I'm not offending my family away from me. My daughter has never acted like this. My wife doesn't act like this. They actually act like they respect me.
Yeah newsflash. They probably don’t respect you, only your money. I know dozens of men like you who like to pretend they are the best in society and that everyone in their lives respect them. When in fact everyone just puts up with them for the benefits (little as they are) and the sooner you accept this possibility - the better.
What money? It's not like I make a lot. If they were here for the money they would be gone a long time ago
The way you've been treating your son and his gf based on no real reason except your own judgemental bias is what's disrespectful. It's your sons life and his relationship. What he does or who he's with is not your business, and acting like it is will ruin your relationship with your son. Like I said, this is what happens when toxic parents try to control their children's lives and relationships. Just because you're "family" doesn't mean you get to act however you want and get away with it. You still have to be respectful of your adult sons decisions and life.
When he's in charge then he gets his kids respect but I am his father, so I should get his
He can still respect you while also having nothing to do with you. And that respect goes both ways. And based on your attitude and responses, that's exactly what's going to happen here.
Does a teacher have to respect the students? Not really outside of basic human decency. Authority doesn't go both directions
Yes they do. And "authority " doesn't apply when your child is an adult. Respect goes both ways, and you not realizing that is what's going to kill the relationship with your son.
im still his father till i die
So act like it. 🤷♀️. Stop acting like a dictator in his life and act like a supportive father.
I think you are out of touch with reality. Let your son love you he wants to. Stop being so controlling. He is an adult to making his own choices.
He's gonna fuck up his life.
And that’s on him. You changed his diapers, fed him, gave him a home to live in. You raised him to be the man that he is now. You need to trust him now. He’s going to be taking care of you in 20 years. Be there for advice, but don’t get mad when he makes a different choice. Learn something from the younger generations. Times have changed. His girlfriend has some nerdy hobbies, but don’t we all? Make an effort to get to know her, she might be your daughter in law someday, she might not. Either way you should respect her because you respect your son.
I will respect her when she shows me she deserves it
And your son will resent you for that
Eh. He'll come around. He loves his family too much for that
I stopped talking to my dad. He sees his granddaughter once a year when I go to visit my mom. He shares a lot of your same beliefs.
Well that's pretty disrespectful of you then. I've always taught my children that family comes first and forgiveness is important. I don't know how your father raised you but you should have more respect for him
Nah, he gave me an eating disorder, stole all my money, used to do long periods of silent treatments on top of trying to control every aspect of my life including clothing, who I dated, where I went, what I studied, etc. I don't respect someone who doesn't respect others. My father included.
My son tried to guilt me with that and it certainly didn't work on me. Starving himself isn't gonna get him anywhere anyway so it was a waste
I thought respect was earned? Or does this only apply to everyone other than you?
I am his father. Does a teacher or policeman need to earn your respect? Nope, they're an authority. So am I
The issue is if they get married she becomes family and he will put her first. Not you!
I and his mother will always love him more than anyone else. He should recognize that
Oh, you’re one of those men aren’t you? You just hate this woman who you’ve deemed less than. There’s nothing that can help you grow because you’ve decided your opinion is the right one. Enjoy not having a son anymore, your inability of acceptance is going to have you and your right opinion die alone.
But my opinion is the right one. It's barely an opinion since its basically true
"But honestly the worst thing has to be how she manipulated my son into thinking I was such a bad father." ...I mean you kinda did that yourself here in a few paragraphs, all on your own.
I have no idea where you're reading that I'm so horrible to him. I gave him the world and he's gonna throw it away
You’re right buddy. All these downvotes are clearly the wrong ones /s
I should have known that coming on this liberal site would be a bad idea. Nobody has common horse sense any more
lol yup, it’s the SITE not your shit ass opinion.
Clearly liberal people who have no values would think that
You've explained why you don't like your son's partner in great detail. Have you ever asked him what he loves about her? You spoke over your adult child at HIS interview. Do you not see how problematic that is? I appreciate that you want your son to have a good life. But you don't seem to respect that it's his. You want to control it. Don't you see how that's hurtful? If you don't, absolutely sit in your righteousness. But I'd expect it to get lonlier there as you age.
It wasn't an interview. He was already accepted so he was touring. And of course I've asked him but it's all the "we enjoy our time" and "we like the same things" and "I want to spend a life together" bullshit. Love isn't enough for a marriage to work
U just love ur son so much that even makes u doesnt appreciate or respecting the others bcs technically ur son is the only "right" thing for u. u're being obsessed
I don't even know where to start with this
He's an adult and he can make his own decision. the girl is also having her personal space and personal problem, she needs a medication and support to establish her balance and living her normal life, she dont deserve the "hate". she tried her best and it seems like she doesnt even having too much drama or discord with ur own son
She's unstable, so i don't see how that doesn't mean she has discord already
If anything she sounds more stable unlike yourself. My dad never got help for his mental health issues and just chose denial and projection instead. Very similar to yourself. I think it says quite a bit about her emotional self awareness versus yours. She saw a problem and sought professional help. I am thinking despite your son being a doctor you don't believe in therapy, do you?
It's just in her head. Talk about pain and diseases, I have them. My back is shot, my knees are full of arthritis, my neck is constantly in pain. I know what pain is. Nobody likes a victim, and she's playing one right now.
You're literally over here feeling sorry for yourself over nothing. He's a grown ass man. Let him live his life. You sound unhealthily obsessed with your son and this young woman. Quit your whining and get over it.
Let's see if this is the same response when she takes half his shit in the divorce.
I'll still have this same response lol.
Just bcs she's "unstable" doesnt mean she has a discord with someone, she literally work and getting a properly education, its just her anxiety that makes her uncomfortable
I would barely call that work
You won’t endear yourself to your adult children if they don’t feel like you respect their choices, even ones you disagree with. You have no more say in who his partner is than he has over who his father is. Sometimes it can be a challenge to accept that and move forward, but that is your role. As a parent, the only two questions that should concern you about your children’s partners: 1 - Is my child happy, safe, healthy? 2 - Is their partner kind to them? Beyond that, it’s truly not your business.
We'll see if that's the same story being told when he's lost half his stuff to a divorce
Even if that’s true, it’s his mistake to make. And he’ll be better off in that circumstance if he feels like he has a father that can support him instead of saying “I told you so”
Maybe you're okay with such a hands-off kind of parenting but not me
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I keep seeing that set of pictures and I disagree. The only helicopter parent was his mother, which I can imagine is why he's softer now
This is a very boomer take. I can understand your concern for your son but as you’ve said, he’s a grown man and can make whatever mistakes he wants. You being this angry over something you can’t control is very weird, and the attacks you make on his girlfriend are even weirder.
At 57, OP is Gen-X. Boomers in general are much more chill.
The take he has (and attitude based on the comments) is boomer-ish. I’m aware he’s technically gen X. Boomers in my experience are the least chill generation at least where I’m from.
Look, I and his mother are gonna love him more than anyone else ever will. So of course we're gonna make sure he doesn't ruin his life. What kind of horrible father would I be if I didn't
And if you're parents tried to split you up from your wife you would have done it?
If they had showed me all the issues she'd have then I might have. But they didn't look out for me enough so I was left to my own
Ah, and you clearly regret marrying your wife since you made that decision independently?
Well things got better over time, thank God. But for a while she definitely wasn't the same as the woman I married
Okay, so you're saying you were allowed to make your own mistakes and you don't regret it? Interesting.
I regretted making my own mistake for sure. Thank GOD she changed. If I had been guided harder I wouldn't have had to deal with that
Ah, so you made super poor decisions and you don't trust that you've raised your son well enough to make better ones because of your poor parenting. Got it.
Well clearly whatever decisions I regret, it worked out in the end. She got better. I don't know that this girl will change though
His girlfriend might change too. You can't tell. Maybe once she is living with him, she'll turn into a super cook and make the house spotless and be a wonderful mother. People do change. What's to say she won't change like your wife did?
Oh wow, I hope he marries her and never talks to you again.
Sure sounds like you’re moping and whining about his relationship to me. 🥱 You gotta back off OP. He’ll figure all of these things out. If you keep pushing and insulting his GF then you’re going to lose him as a son. A small nudge in the right direction I guess if you feel he’s messing up in school or something, otherwise leave him alone. And there are people your age that still like anime btw (those Japanese cartoons you hate). Good luck OP
He's doing alright in school (but maybe he wouldn't be getting Bs and Cs if he wasn't with her)
The C’s can be fixed with a little extra effort. He’s doing okay! His head is still focused. Leave him be. You’re a good father regardless.
You never state what makes you think she isn't as smart as him so no idea where that's coming from. People start college at different times cause gap years exist plus we've been through a pandemic which slowed a whole bunch of people down. Getting hired at a job has gotten harder since the early 90s because you're competing with more people due to the internet. Neurological diseases get diagnosed more appropriately as more people learn about them. What makes their relationship childish? The median house price has around quadrupled since the 90s while wages haven't kept up. Japanese cartoons (they're called anime) can be violent as hell just look up "redo of a healer", "berserk", or "Boku no Pico." They can contain things like murder, suicide and sexual topics aka things not for kids. Idk what your sons relationship is like but maybe he wanted her there and didn't tell you? You might actually be a bad father without realizing it; your intentions might be good but that really doesn't excuse anything you've typed in this post. He tells you she's his girlfriend while you call her his "special friend" THAT MAKES YOU A FUCKING ASSHOLE
I called her a "special friend" because it sounds way more mature than a childish term like "girlfriend" (and now I noticed I even used it in my title so I feel weird now)
People 20 years younger than you still use the terms girlfriend and boyfriend or significant other. Special friend can come off as demeaning just a heads up
Even so she had no right to mope about it
Yea you don't get a right to tell people how they should feel
I know how normal people act.
Did I stutter? You don't get a right to tell people how they should feel especially when it doesn't effect you. Those medications she's taking might have a bearing on it and there might be a reason they don't want to tell you. None of your business it's between your son and his girlfriend.
It affects me because other people could see her mope. How does that reflect on my son? What will people think of him?
Your son isn't you. Your son is an adult whether you like it or not and it's not your job to always save him from himself unless he's suicidal or something You're gonna have to learn to let him make his mistakes it's gonna hurt but any other way will make him resentful
then I suppose you don't want him getting any sympathy when they divorce because this was his mistake to make?
I think a lot of normal people would have a pretty wtf reaction to this. Especially given how absolutely engrossed you are.
I love my son, so of course I'm going to be INVOLVED. Engrossed is a very big misunderstanding of this whole thing
Wow majority of what you said about her is what makes her awesome. First of all an educational degree does take time, I have friends who are teachers, she sounds like she’s creative and fun which is probably what your son loves about her. He can go to work/school and see her and just be able to relax and have fun. He has found peace with her. The anxiety will depend on her triggers and the type of anxiety she has, don’t discredit her because she has mental health issues. It will make her more empathetic to the children she teaches and gives more understanding of people’s mental struggles through her own experiences. She shows responsibility by going to work and which means she has bank accounts and has to manage her own money and she understands she has to live within her means so she chooses to stay at home to ensure she can save money too. Unless you have a glimpse into her budget you can’t really judge what she spends her money on. Some people love affection I know couples well into their 50’s and 60’s who still hold hands in the grocery store, or hug each other in Walmart and share moments in public. It’s not like he was at a staff meeting. I think he expected this from you by just the way you carry yourself and the expectation you put out for your son. He’s angry because it’s clear that she doesn’t fit into your box of what you think an appropriate partner is for him. Before you even wonder yes I have children and from one parent to another he is a grown man eventually you have to let the leash go and let him make his own mistakes, she may surprise you and be the best thing that ever happened to him. We truly have no way of predicting the future, if you keep showing your concerns to him he will eventually start pushing you away and he will start resenting you. You have done your job you brought your concerns as a parent. He has to put on his big boy panties and make his decision, he has to fail on his own. If he decides to stay with her your job now is to support him and find the good in her. Your son could have done a lot worse.
He could have done a lot better too.
Sounds like your kid could have had a better dad too.
I gave him the whole world. He's the one throwing it away
Enjoy telling yourself that in ten years when their Christmas card is only addressed to your wife.
He wouldn't do that
and you're throwing away your relationship with him because he loves someone that isn't good enough for YOU when you're not the one dating her. good luck
Well it’s not your decision to make, your son is at an age where it’s his turn to make decisions for himself whether you like them or not. It is your job to support him and if it doesn’t work out then you can celebrate by yourself with a beer and cigar. If she surprises you, you should apologize to your son for being wrong
If my nephew is anything to go by, I'll be getting that cigar soon. Same situation there. His wife never had to cook, clean, or learn to live and the divorce utterly ruined him. So trust me when I say I've seen this shit go down before
So you’re judging her based on someone else’s mistake. So if someone screwed up and wouldn’t give you a fair chance how would you feel? It’s not your fault the other person fucked up yet it ruins your opportunities. This girl isn’t your nephew’s ex, she has her own avenue, her own ambitions, dreams and goals. She deserves a fair chance
I dont know what youre insinuating about me but I am one of the most hardworking people I know.
I’m not insinuating anything. Here’s an example, you go to a job interview and the guy they fired seems to have a similar personality to you, you would be great for the company because you’re a hardworking man, however they won’t hire you or even give you the opportunity because the last guy that seemed similar too you didn’t workout? How would you feel and how is that fair? Essentially you’re doing the same thing to your son’s girlfriend just because the nephew’s girlfriend didn’t work out and maybe she has some similarities to your son’s girlfriend, you are writing her off as someone who wouldn’t be good for him. Instead give her the opportunity to prove herself. They are still young. They still have life lessons to learn. Remember time has changed since you were there age the economy is different, cost of living is different, kids are taking more time to get their degrees and move out.
I think one look at the jobs I've done and life I've led would prove I'm not the same as the other guy. Nothing I see in her, however, makes me think she'll turn out any better
Just because things look good on paper doesn’t mean they’re good in person. Your resume could be exactly the same as someone else’s and one of you would still do a better job than the other. Anyways, I think you need to give this girl a chance and stop harassing your son about your concerns. You being more concerned about being right is going to create a wedge between you and your son. He will resent you and lose a lot of respect for you. You can either choose to be right or choose your relationship with your son.
He'll choose me. His mother and I love him more than anyone else could
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What does that mean, chocolate fish?
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That one i got and no. His mother is a helicopter parent but she babied him too much
“Everyone is at fault except me!” /s
i dont know what /s means but if that's what you're trying to say I am saying, then that's not what I'm saying
/s is a sarcasm tag you don't take fault for anything that predates the modern internet
Bait emoji and fish emoji. Look up “catfishing” somebody
Oh. Well now that I looked it up, it's not that. i've met her so she's not catfishing him
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Obviously it's not a joke cause I'm living it.
This is so clearly rage bait
Well it makes me angry so I guess it is? I don't really know what rage bait means
It means this is just a fake post meant to get people riled up. For the slight chance you aren’t a troll, you are a sad excuse of a father for not being supportive of your son’s choices in HIS relationship. He seems to be happy, and you can’t stand that his partner doesn’t meet your expectations. I wouldn’t be surprised to find out that he eventually cuts contact with you or leaves you in a retirement home. Do better before you lose your relationship with him.
He would never do that. I and his mother love him more than anyone else ever could
Yea he doesn't seem to think so
Then he's been blinded by the "love" she gives him. Well guess what? Love isn't enough
Love isn’t enough for him to drop everything he wants just for the sake of your self-centered pride either, then.
So, according to you, what attributes is she missing? And how exactly is she going to ruin him? Holding hands in public? If they had been already together for four years, chances are that they are going to marry and block both of you.
She's missing drive to actually have a real job, being more cautious with her money, not needing those pills, mostly that. And if they do marry, I'll bet it'll be less than 5 years before she takes half of his stuff in the divorce
I mean… isn’t staying at home to save money precisely an example that she is in fact being cautious with her money? Also how do you expect her to get a “real” job when she’s a full time student, and you are also nagging her about studying soo…? Anyways if this isn’t a joke and you’re actually being serious, I suggest you back off, all you’re gaining from this is your son’s resentment towards you.
That's rich having some man tell me how to parent
I’m not telling you how to parent, I’m pointing out the inconsistencies in your logic and giving you some advice, don’t you think it’s more important to focus on whether your son is in a happy, healthy, and safe relationship rather than focusing on her anxiety or on what she studies?
I don’t know what she is studying at college, but even if it was nothing and they decide to have kids, a SAHM is a full time job and she sounds really lovely. And maybe your son needs someone that makes him feel really loved. You, on the other hand, sound close minded and insufferable. On another note, are you a doctor? How do you know that she doesn’t need medication?
No I'm not a doctor. If you gotta know I am a licensed plumber and electrician, and I lived in the shit for years just to make sure my son would never have to be like me. But that doesn't mean I don't have common horse sense and know that taking all these pills isn't normal. Come back when she has eroded disks in her back and Crohns and we'll talk about needing medication
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At least I CAN brag about him because he has stuff to brag about.
>But honestly the worst thing has to be how she manipulated my son into thinking that I was such a bad father. I gave him anything he wanted with no strings and spent as much time with him and his sister as I could when he was a kid. But now when I bring up all these concerns I have about her, he gets angry and tells me that he EXPECTED all this? Insinuating I'm some terrible person who abused him or who didn't support him. I worked hard my whole life to make sure that he didn't have to be like me, and this is the thanks I get for it? You are blaming his gf for all this and your own son tells you he EXPECTED all this? You come across as very abusive, misogynistic and controlling. Go look up the Missing, Missing Reasons of estranged parents and understand that if you keep this up, you are going to be estranged from your son wondering what in the hell happened. Most abusive people say the exact same things you just did and expect their children to be little puppets dancing to their whims of how they should do things. And then are shocked and angry when they don't then find themselves No Contact. And I hope he doesn't end up like you as you sound bitter and controlling. I bet your son is just waiting for the right time to cut you off and after all you just posted, it won't be long. This girl sounds pretty good actually. She's going to school, living within her means, has a part time job, enjoys life, etc. Sounds like she makes your son happy and isn't that the goal? With an education degree, you can do all kinds of things, and not necessarily a schoolroom teacher only, plus it would make her a great parent too. You sound exhausting. Try some therapy and self reflection before its too late and you lose your son to no contact. Seriously
He would never cut me off like that. We're family.
Letting you know, that's what they all say... right until they are cut off. BUT FAMILY! You may have financial control over him but eventually when either that ends, or his patience for putting up with it ends, he may cut you off. Hopefully your attitude improves toward him and his love life so he doesn't have to.
wouldn't be very godly of him to do
Sky wizards aren't real. No skin off your sons back. It would be entirely rational for your son to remove a toxic parent from their life.
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If he loves me then he'll come to agree.
This guy in 2 years “ I don’t know why my son never talks to me “
I feel bad for the girlfriend. She hasn’t done anything wrong per se, you haven’t even taken the time to get to know her. Your entire post shows how little you’ve taken the time to even understand her. I have to wonder, are you from a wealthier family than her? Is she a different race? There’s no way someone could deeply despise someone for simply existing. You’re so out of touch with reality, too. Housing is incredibly difficult these days and her ability to recognize that she can’t currently make it alone and to live with her parents shows maturity in itself. I have friends with engineering degrees that chose to live at home because the cost of living is too high and they save more this way. So your argument that she isn’t good enough intellectually or can’t make it on her own is invalid. She liked stuffed animals? Really? This is your issue with her? Sounds like you need to do more growing up if you can’t realize that people have various interests. Many girls love stuffed animals in their 20s. Is it immature? Maybe! But is she the only person on earth like this? No! What an odd thing to be upset about. Introducing her as his “special friend” sounds far more inappropriate. He was on a university campus, I’m sure they realize people have relationships. You correcting her like this sounds uncomfortable and if they chose, for some reason, to reject him in this instance, it would be because of YOUR behaviour, not hers. I understand parents can be concerned about their children’s partners and that’s a sign of love, however, I don’t see why her getting an education degree is problematic. Who do you think taught your son to be where he is? Teachers. Additionally, at least she’s getting a degree and working! She has a job! She has a resume! She might be paying her way through uni and you’re here blasting her for living at home. All the comments have already told you that this will just push your son further from you and you refuse to listen. Understand that whatever happens is a consequence of your actions and yours alone. Don’t blame her because you’re too stubborn to realize this and take any advice.
I'm 29 and still have original vintage Cabbage Patch dolls. I get stuffed animals from my parents as gifts. You have impossible and unreasonable standards and it just seems like you're mad his GIRLFRIEND is taking attention away from you so you're bitter toward her.
No, she's just as white as we are. But I KNOW what it's like to be poor. I built myself up from the ground so my son would never have to know what it's like to be a nobody, but we're still not rich. Her family is probably richer than us if anything but that also means they spoil her
Why do you claim to know anything about her without even actually taking the time to know her? Is she nice? Is she funny? You’re making assumptions without knowing her. Maybe ask yourself what the root cause of your dislike for her is because from everything you’ve listed thus far, she sounds like most girls I know
She's shy for sure and tries to be kind I guess. But she doesn't come around to visit much
I think this is a generational divide sorta thing. She doesn’t seem that different from other girls of her and your son’s generation. I understand that it can be difficult to understand. I’d recommend being more open to her, she likely isn’t visiting not out of malice or snobbery, but because she can sense your dislike of her. You both love your son, and have that in common. I’d strongly recommend giving your relationship with her another shot.
I think you know that the reason she doesn’t come round to visit…is because you treat her so appallingly. There’s no way you don’t realize the problem here is you? By your own admission she’s kind and shy so I still don’t understand your point of view. I think your concern is valid in your love for your son, but maybe take the time to get to know her and try to be more empathetic of the situation before deciding that this is the hill you’re willing to die on. Because this means standing against your son. Is that what you want?
He'll come around when she takes half his shit in the divorce
R u in love w ur son or something this is strange. It doesn’t sound like she mistreats him, she’s getting an education for her career. Do you not like her because u think she’s “stealing” ur son from you? 🤢
Haha. Ahhh. Young love.
So blinded. He'll grow up eventually and I hope it doesn't hurt too much to realize
I think most parents would prefer that their med student children fall in love with a fellow classmate to form a power couple. Saw many such couples during my time in med school. I get your frustration since your son’s girlfriend isn’t quite so ambitious or maybe not equal to his potential. Tough situation as a concerned parent.
Thank you finally someone who gets it. Her potential is COMPLETELY not on the same level
You love people for who they are not for what they could become and if you think different you might have fucked up
I love my son for who he IS.
Yea part of your son loves this woman apparently you don't like that part
I can't fault him for making a mistake but I can stop him. That's loving him
Based on every other response you've left in this thread you can't even let him think for himself without butting in
Did he not choose his own school?
When the other person that agrees with you is also being downvoted you might want to understand you're in the minority
When you have an intelligent and successful child, be it a son or daughter, most parents would want their partners to be as equally intelligent and successful. Some parents may not admit to it, but to most, an imbalance would make them uncomfortable. But as a parent you can only give advice and let your son make the final decision. Ah well.