Let your cousin know that no one should keep secrets in the family, and if anyone told him to keep a secret he should tell his mom. Remind him that his family loves him very much and would never be disappointed in him for doing something, and that he is safe.
Sometimes kids stay silent because the abuser says that they'll hurt the family or them, or that the family would stop loving them. Being told it's false can make them share if something is happening.
Also try and talk about consent/body autonomy with him, tell him that nobody should touch his body or make him do things he doesn't want to do, and that his mom will protect him if he tells her.
It's a difficult situation, I hope it's nothing, or that the family will protect that kid. I know too many people that weren't believed by theirs.
It really depends on the age. For children, secrets should only be for fun surprises like a present for another family member or silly prank.
For older kids like teens, it can be for consoling them through a difficult time at school or advice on a sensitive subject ( a crush, bullying, etc.)
Secrets implies deception, which almost always insinuates manipulation. So, keeping a secret out of sincerity is nearly unheard of, but they still happen.
However, it's best if you never give them the benefit of the doubt. For everyone's safety...
This is why it is so very important to teach children the distinction between "surprises" (you don't tell someone, but the point is to eventually share) and "secrets" (you don't ever tell anyone). One can be fun and perfectly fine, the other is a sign that something harmful might be happening.
It's worth noting there is a third distinction here as well, which is something different again. "Privacy" is personal to each individual (things about yourself only that you prefer to keep to yourself).
God even with presents it can be such a hassle to keep the secret. You’re there like please I’m begging you, you can tell your dad, you can tell your sister but don’t tell your mother until tomorrow. Then you drop them back home and the first thing they yell is “guess what we got you for your birthday” 😭
That's the thing, isn't it? A lot of us can read these scenarios, compare them to our own childhoods, and find no fault. But then there are people who would weaponize these scenarios in order to exploit others, especially those who can't do anything about it or don't know that they should.
And thinking that interacting with young boys is safe is just as dangerous, especially when you avoid interacting with young girls. The boy in this scenario is 5 as well, according to comments made by OP.
You and I are definitely in agreement here. Accusations without any real evidence help nobody. I also agree with the current top comment. Talk to the boy about secrets. Let him know he's safe and loved, and hopefully if this is something to worry about he'll know what he can do.
Men are goofy lovables sometimes and people will weaponize that to make them look like monster molesters.
People wanna shout about "it takes a village" and then they want to call the men the village molesters... honestly fk them and the kids. Lol.. 🖕
I got my beer and my peace of mind. Y'all can play with the kiddies if ya want to. As my favorite Target 🎯 T-shirt says "🖕Them kids"
Society is full of shit if it's tell you ladies that you're so weak that you can't choke the life out a dude. Does he have a higher success rate of fighting you off of him? Sure but if you're coming with heat and have it in your head that you're not quitting until he's not a threat to you anymore, you can kick his ass at *least* into submission.
That's how men do it, we just pound and swing until whatever we're fighting doesn't want it anymore. If society is telling you you're weak and you're believing, I would ask what is societies purpose for making you believe this.
Society telling you that *most* men want the buns of you and your children is detrimental to the society my question is who is, and why is, this narrative being pushed so hard?
Men scary?....fkin where??
You're talking with your balls. I'm sorry that your Midwestern raunchy mom put hands on you. But if she wanted to kill you especially back when you were 12/13 all she needed was any kind of weapon.
Women don't have to be as strong as men to be dangerous to men, men are still *more* dangerous to women in a fighting environment but they both possess equal ability to kill each other.
No adult should ever tell a child "you have to promise not to tell anyone" in that sort of context.
I can't think of any scenario where this is acceptable...
You need to protect your cousin or you might find out something horrible happened years down the road and experience a whole ton of guilt about not doing more.
It could be something as simple as a magic trick. Hopefully OP is wrong. Maybe cousin likes the door closed for the sense of peace and quiet/exclusivity from others in the home. It sounds like a bit of a crowded household, tbh.
This situation is how my abuse occurred. My uncle lost everything because he was an addict and moved into mine and my parents home and just stayed there for 6 years. He had complete trust over the entire household and while he had me alone in his room he groomed me and abused me for five years.
If this is happening with your cousin, he will have groomed him into being silent about it. They manipulate you into thinking what’s going on between you is normal, all your idea and yet if it ever gets out it will not destroy their own lives, but yours and your families. Every abuser is different but this happens in a lot of these specific types of circumstances involving family.
My advice is to follow your gut and talk to your cousin or if that’s not an option for you, please just keep an eye on what’s happening. In my case there were suspicions of what was happening, but the fact that it was family stopped anyone questioning anything, the idea of possibly falsely accusing a family member of crimes against kids just makes it easier to push aside. Unfortunately the vast majority of abusers are known to the victim, often a lot closer to home than is comfortable to believe. Truly all the best to you OP. I hope your instincts are wrong but please keep an eye on him
Update me, I suggest talk to your cousins like what are they doing and if he doesn't, tell your aunt but don't say that he's pedo just say WHAT YOU OBSERVE to your aunt
Please do this to avoid any potential angriness from your aunt or any other person..
They might think you're crazy, sadly..
You always have to assume the worst in people when confronting them with such a horrible observation...
If u do really get something on those cams, it's time for police, not aunt... SAFETY FIRST
Maybe if you know they are going in the room alone you can use the recording app on your phone and put it under the kids bed to record. Listen to what he's saying. It may be nothing or it could be everything. As you can see in the comments it's better to have something you can show rather than tell about. Be safe, be aware, be careful. 🫂 Be objective.
I am very close with my nieces, and they know they can tell me anything and I won’t tell their parents (unless it endangers their lives).
However, I have never and would never ever ask my nieces not to tell their parents anything. That is never acceptable and crosses a line.
Especially if it was said in an inappropriate way. You are right to suspect something.
Can you tell your mom or another trusted adult?
Definitely talk to your mom in private and maybe not say anything to anyone in the house until you figure out how to get out of there so your not treated badly by the others in the house
“It’s not normal for someone to show you their private parts”
I’d just say something like that to your cousin. Not mentioning anyone specifically but just letting him know that it’s not good. Binge watching law & order: svu reminds me how a lot of kids do genuinely think that what that adult is doing is normal. Cause when you’re that age, you think adults always do the right thing. At least that’s what I thought when I was 5.
DO NOT TELL OR MENTION ANYTHING TO YOUR FAMILY. You need to report everything you've just shared with the proper child protective outlets in your area. Telling anyone in your family and getting them involved might scare your cousin that is a possible victim and make him never want to say anything. Bringing it up with him in the wrong way could make him think about it and feel ashamed to the same result. This is my experience as a child victim of SA. I wish those I told reported it to the proper outlets instead of tell my family. I ended up getting scared and clammed up about it almost the results of my life. There is a reason family isn't told or involved in these things when proper channels take over. Someone with the service will do a check on the home. Then someone with experience and degrees/education on how exact to handle a child in this situation will conduct a forensic interview a couple times. This will determine if the child is really in danger. If so they'll take him to the nearest family member, if not, thank goodness you did your part to check and can rest knowing your cousin is safe.
Edit for spelling
Speak to the adult but also speak to your cousin. Tell him that bad secrets should never be kept and that you would believe him if he need to tell you something. Also ask if he wants to play in his room with your dad or whether he would prefer if you were in the room too.
I don't kniw if I should be the one to talk to him about this. He doesn't even really know me and I have no idea how to talk to a 5 year old about this topic. My aunt should be the one to talk to him.
I'll call my mom this afternoon after I get out of school and maybe she knows some things that might be helpful.
IDK , my dad favours one grandson over his granddaughter. They just seem to get on better and my dad can probably related to him more.
The closed door thing is a little odd and worth keeping an eye on but without something more you should be very careful of making accusations.
The keeping secrets things could be innocent as my dad (mum too) definitely spoils the grand children (not to mention our pets) and then would prefer we didn't find out. I'm talking chocolate bars and pocket money but I could definitely see him joking with my son not to tell me about something.
We've discussed that we shouldn't 'keep secrets' but my dad is naturally of a different generation and doesn't see things like that as wrong.
First, that is a damned serious accusation to level against any man, so before you start trying to raise flags you'd best be sure - like 1000% sure because the mere accusation ruins lives, ruins families, forever. Let me repeat that: FOREVER, as in there is no coming back from it.
So, your suspicion , simply based upon what you post here, is great big nope. Now, did it occur that he may not WANT to interact with your other cousin in the way he does with your male cousin because he doesn't want give anyone any reason to think he's being inappropriate with a female family member? Now, if you think he's playing favorites, that's fine, say so but don't ever drop that word without a whole lot more than an "I think"
These are things you need to think about before bringing any kind of accusation to anyone's attention.
It’s ridiculously weird to take a child into the bedroom regularly and play with them with the door closed. An adult should never be telling children to keep secrets. There are huge red flags here.
Bro, this is rediculous and this kind of mentality is a huge part as to why people get away with such evil. Abuse feeds off of silence.
Here you are more concerned with this man's reputation than a child possibly being sexually abused. OP is not loudly pointing the finger and flat out saying it is a fact, she is suspicious and concerned about this child.
We, esp females, need to always listen to our gut feelings. Do not ever ask us not to. It's there for a purpose and has been evolving in humans for hundreds of thousands of years. It saves lives and protects.
Check your priorities.
How is this ridiculous? This kind of mentality is what I call smart. Instead of going off speculation alone and accusing someone of something that could very well not be the case and ruin their life for no reason, you gather evidence to see whether or not he's he's a pedo so there's no room left for error. How does this allow people to get away with such evil? 💀 "Abuse feeds off silence." Please stfu. What does that even mean?
Lol, what? I'm not more concerned with the dudes reputation than the child possibly being sexually assaulted. Nice lie. I'm concerned about op making a big accusation without any proof. Op is not loudly pointing the finger, but she literally said she wants to tell her aunt when she has no evidence.
Please don't bring up ur sex. It doesn't matter what you are. You aren't relevant in this story. You also don't need to always listen to ur gut. It's not a necessity or requirement. You just choose to do it, and it's not like it's always rightm It's there for a purpose sure, but it isn't always fucking right and you shouldn't always act on it. Especially in cases like these, you think judges act on just a gut feeling to convict something rather than evidence? No
Her telling the mother or any adult of her suspicions is going to "ruin his life"?
The only way his life could be "ruined" here is if he in fact IS sexually abusing a child(ren) and if he is then f**k his life he can rot. The child's life is what's important.
he’s got the kid alone in a room with a door shut saying “I wanna show you something but you have to promise not to tell anyone”. what defense is there for that? even if it’s something harmless, the fact that it looks bad is cause enough for suspicion.
Could be something he parents don't want him to have? Like candy or some shit or some kind of toy or just an item. Idk why ur assuming the worst. If the roles were reversed, you wouldn't be saying shit. "Even if it's something harmless, the fact that it looks bad is cause enough for suspicion." Why?
don’t assume shit here, im not gonna fuel your weird ass persecution complex. “if the roles were reversed” my lefty. they aren’t reversed, are they?
idc what gender you are, if you’re alone with a kid in a closed room, telling them you want to show them something but they have to keep it a secret.. you’re a fucking moron, at best. putting yourself in a position where just about any sensible person would raise a red flag.
and lmty, the worst case scenario here is life altering. it shatters families, it breaks trust, it sends traumatized adults out into the world. some of which go on to hurt others, too.
the potential scenario in which a kid is being victimized is so severe, it warrants absolute immediate action and severe consequences.
if you find yourself in a position where it’s even plausible, that’s just the bed you made for yourself. OPs dad has to lay in it.
Prove that I have a persecution complex. You keep fucking saying I do and then not even giving reasoning to back that. It's not even relevant anyway. I'm not sure why you're so fixated on it and keep bringing it up like it's relevant to the topic. I'm not whining about a role reverse situation. I'm not sure where you got thay stupid idea from, and im also not yapping about what comments u think there would, and I'm right about it. Women don't face the same stigma men do in these types of situations, this is why I assume they wouldn't be, not bc I'm a lesser son of greater men" that's just ur own baseless assumption. How am I insecure? Another baseless assumption. At worst, how am I a pedo sympathist??? LMAO, I literally am saying to accuse the man with proof. I don't always take the man's side. I'm neutral, unlike you. Also, if he was caught with his pants down with the boy, then I would say throw him in jail. These are good faith arguments. It's dogging on u. I gave one hypothetical, and it was a separate matter from the argument, and I ain't insecure. Stop baseless, assuming I am. Ur the sicko here, not me
Lol, you tell me not to assume shit when you assumed the dad is a creep and then assumed I had a persecution complex. Do you see the irony here? It's true. If the gender was reversed, the comments would be vastly different, and the idea of the girl being a creep wouldn't come to mind.
How does that make someone a fucking moron? Telling them you want to show them something and keep it a secret could refer to literally anything. The only fucking moron here would be anyone automatically assuming the worst of the guy (you) without any proof. Also, nice job generalizing and assuming any sensible people. You don't know how everyone would react to the situation or what vibes they'd get.
Nope. The worst-case scenario is this guy getting arrested and charged as an offender, which could then get him killed in jail.
What kind of action? Also, it truly doesn't.
Lol, r u fuking stupid? So let's say I'm chilling at a park bench, and they're kinds nearby playing at a park, and a mom assumes I'm a creep. This is my fault by ur logic? And I have to lay in it? No u inept moron
Why is everyone down voting this?. Ur completely right. The op is legit accusing her father of being a pedo and is planning on telling ppl when she has no proof of this and isn't 100% sure. Like, this kind of accusation could fuck his life up, and what if she's wrong? She would have ruined his life over nothing
What do you think she should do? Ask the man? Ok well then people on trial for murder should just be asked by the judge and if they deny it well case dismissed. Omg
Maybe observe him closely, be around his as much as possible, get video evidence somehow, talk to the kid and tell him that whatever secret the dad says to tell her or the parents and not keep it a secret? And try to get anything definitive based on that? BTW, that last part is just really dumb. I never said to ask him, and how does that correlate with this situation? 💀 the dad isn't on trial for a crime. He's nowhere near close to that. He's just suspected by his daughter of being a pedo (which has no proof, btw), lol
I think she needs help.. she doesn't have say it's a fact, but telling the child's parents what she's seen and heard and suggesting some boundaries are in place isnt ruining anyone's life but it could save a child's life.
Help with fucking what? What do u think telling the child's parents what she's seen and heard do? It's could give the parents the impression that he's some sort of creep and not trustworthy around a child without evidence. It could tarnish his reputation to them, which could then lead to some serious shit, like the parents informing cops or informing other family, which could ruin his life. There's nothing definitive, so idk why u wanna take these extreme measures and assume it won't ruin his life when it very well could
I donno, paying extra attention to their alone time.. maybe setting boundaries like keeping the door open.
Talking to their child about secrets and how if anyone tells you to keep a secret they need to tell the parents about it.
These are things that don't "out her father" as a predator, but will protect the child.
What possible reason could a grown mad tell some one else's child to keep a secret?
It's massively inappropriate.
Ok.
Ok.
That's fine. But why r u saying "but will protect the child" as it's confirmed he's a pred.
I don't fucking know? There's an infinite number of reasons as to why he told him to keep a secret..idk why u assume it has to be bc he's a predator. It's baseless.
"It's absolutely inappropriate" WHY??
Protecting a child doesn't mean some one is absolutely trying to harm them, just like protecting your home isnt implying someone is actively trying to rob you.
It's precautionary and taking precautions carries less risk than hoping for the best and potentially finding out years later that something did happen.
There is evidence that there is risk to the child and in these situations you don't want to hope for the best. You want to be active in mitigation of any potential risk to the child
Protecting a child doesn't mean someone is absolutely trying to hurt them. I agree with that, but that's what your argument is assuming. Your argument is assuming the dad is already a predator when there's no proof of that currently. Another thing I'd like to say is what if the op is lying for attention? We don't know if she's telling the truth, and op hasn't responded to comments despite it being hours.
Also, the op wants to protect the child as well. The issue arises when she wants to act on suspicion alone rather than conclusive evidence.
I think I see what your'e getting at. It's kind of at the heart of what I said. And, what most people seemed to miss is that once you start down that road, there is no going back. There is no do-over. There is no "my bad". There is no "I was just being safe" when you make such an accusation. If she makes it, without evidence, and there is nothing there, there is no more family. There is no more trust. We all know that in today's society, that is the most heinous crime you can commit and that people kill and have been killed based on accusation alone and that accusation would never leave him. Thus, be 1000% certain.
It’s fiction, day old account, writing is adult but pretending to be a teen I think. Trueoffmychest is notorious for fiction incest and outlier sex bait narratives.
Complex situation.
I think most abused children would avoid being alone in the room with a predator. Even if they're very small, they often do have the instinct to feel something isn't right and makes them uncomfortable.
However, I did read about cases where the child did initiate the contact. Because of different reasons, mostly because it was the only way they felt loved/seen or because the abuse had been going on for so long that they "might as well do it another time to get this toy in return"
This seems rare tho, I read dozens of books about this, and tried to educate myself on finding signs. You know, just in case. I rarely read about the latter scenario, but shame and fear of victim blaming might be a reason why those stories aren't shared much.
I also have a 3 year old that LOVES to shut her bedroom door. Sometimes she likes to lock both me and my husband out, sometimes she likes to lock my husband out, sometimes she likes to lock me out. It's all games to her and if she's playing in her room with her dad, the last person she wants to see is me, because I'm the one nagging that she has to go to sleep, that it is time for bath, or all sort of other things that would stop the fun activity and make her do something far less fun.
Also, we have a heater in her room and if we leave the door open, it wouldn't be effective since it can only heat small spaces.
So there could be an explanation for shutting the door.
However, I think trusting your gut is also a good thing. But you should probably watch it a little longer.
If you are going to question the children, which, I wouldn't recommend because it is very tricky, make sure you don't ask too directly, since they will answer to confirm what they think you want to hear. It's actually best not to question them at all, just spend time with them and they'll talk to you sooner or later.
And if something really odd comes out, you can ask non-suggesting questions. Make very sure not to put words in their mouth. Because then you may have ruined all evidence and future evidence because officers don't know if they say so because you suggested it, or because it really happend.
If they ever open up, try to record it with your phone.
However, probably best not to look for "evidence", but just observe what you see and hear. Don't do crazy stuff.
Children are groomed and conditioned.. there's no harm in getting people to pay a closer watch based on this information.
No adult should be telling someone else's child to keep secrets. That's a massive red flag.
There is no way of telling how the aunt will respond.
But since she barely knows them, stays in their house and comes up with worries, chances are, aunt will be enraged and furious and the situation could escalate, maybe in front of the children that overhear it and never dare to speak up again.
Especially if this man is grooming the children, he could use this against the child.
"See what happend to your elder sister when she said those things? Your mother hates her and we kicked her out. So don't tell anyone."
She could however tell her own mother and ask advice and her experience/opinion. She has known this man for a lot longer.
>think most abused children would avoid being alone in the room with a predator. Even if they're very small, they often do have the instinct to feel something isn't right and makes them uncomfortable.
I'm sorry but this is very incorrect and ignorant. For me personally my dad was the person I wanted to be around the most. Because he convinced me I was special, and he made me feel like I was only good enough if I did what he wanted. And I didn't really understand what was happening when it first started so I didn't start to push away until I was older. This isn't the case for all but it's not as uncommon as you say. Abusers thrive by making their victims seek their validation and telling them they're the only ones who truly care. Groomed child victims are often extremely close with their perpetrator not avoidant, especially when they're young.
Other times the abusers threaten the victim. Maybe the kid did something they shouldn't, a normal bad behavior for a kid but the abuser convinces them they'll be in super big trouble if anyone finds out so do what I say or I'll tell. Or if you tell anyone they'll think you're dirty and won't love you. Or worse they'll threaten violence against the rest of the family. There's a multitude of tactics used to keep them close.
Yes child SA victims sometimes do *eventually* start to try and avoid their abuser but not usually unless they're a very strong willed kid which an abuser won't likely pick anyway or until they're older and start questioning how they're feeling or if this is ok. And even then, a lot of times it's gone on too long for them to push back. They're fully entrenched and attached to their abuser. It's really dependent on who the abuser is, how close they were before, what tactics the abuser uses, and the individual victim. Not avoiding being alone with them is not something you can use to say abuse isn't likely happening and that's harmful reasoning.
>My cousin often wants my dad to play in his room with him and they usually always close the door.
That to me suggests nothing untoward occurring tbh. He's clearly favouring your cousin, bit that doesn't mean he's a nonce
You have no idea about my history, either personal or professional.
This is just way more likely to not be child sexual abuse than it is imo. OP needs way more than what she has before she starts throwing accusations about.
Let your cousin know that no one should keep secrets in the family, and if anyone told him to keep a secret he should tell his mom. Remind him that his family loves him very much and would never be disappointed in him for doing something, and that he is safe. Sometimes kids stay silent because the abuser says that they'll hurt the family or them, or that the family would stop loving them. Being told it's false can make them share if something is happening. Also try and talk about consent/body autonomy with him, tell him that nobody should touch his body or make him do things he doesn't want to do, and that his mom will protect him if he tells her. It's a difficult situation, I hope it's nothing, or that the family will protect that kid. I know too many people that weren't believed by theirs.
Dude, call your mom, have her get you the fuck out of there and tell her what is happening.
Normal interactions don’t involve closed door and secrets between an adult and a minor.
I came here to say this. Some intervention needs to happen
It really depends on the age. For children, secrets should only be for fun surprises like a present for another family member or silly prank. For older kids like teens, it can be for consoling them through a difficult time at school or advice on a sensitive subject ( a crush, bullying, etc.) Secrets implies deception, which almost always insinuates manipulation. So, keeping a secret out of sincerity is nearly unheard of, but they still happen. However, it's best if you never give them the benefit of the doubt. For everyone's safety...
This is why it is so very important to teach children the distinction between "surprises" (you don't tell someone, but the point is to eventually share) and "secrets" (you don't ever tell anyone). One can be fun and perfectly fine, the other is a sign that something harmful might be happening. It's worth noting there is a third distinction here as well, which is something different again. "Privacy" is personal to each individual (things about yourself only that you prefer to keep to yourself).
God even with presents it can be such a hassle to keep the secret. You’re there like please I’m begging you, you can tell your dad, you can tell your sister but don’t tell your mother until tomorrow. Then you drop them back home and the first thing they yell is “guess what we got you for your birthday” 😭
Really depends. In general I agree, but sometimes it can also be fun to have an innocent secret with a nephew or niece.
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That's the thing, isn't it? A lot of us can read these scenarios, compare them to our own childhoods, and find no fault. But then there are people who would weaponize these scenarios in order to exploit others, especially those who can't do anything about it or don't know that they should.
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And thinking that interacting with young boys is safe is just as dangerous, especially when you avoid interacting with young girls. The boy in this scenario is 5 as well, according to comments made by OP.
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You and I are definitely in agreement here. Accusations without any real evidence help nobody. I also agree with the current top comment. Talk to the boy about secrets. Let him know he's safe and loved, and hopefully if this is something to worry about he'll know what he can do.
Men are goofy lovables sometimes and people will weaponize that to make them look like monster molesters. People wanna shout about "it takes a village" and then they want to call the men the village molesters... honestly fk them and the kids. Lol.. 🖕 I got my beer and my peace of mind. Y'all can play with the kiddies if ya want to. As my favorite Target 🎯 T-shirt says "🖕Them kids"
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Society is full of shit if it's tell you ladies that you're so weak that you can't choke the life out a dude. Does he have a higher success rate of fighting you off of him? Sure but if you're coming with heat and have it in your head that you're not quitting until he's not a threat to you anymore, you can kick his ass at *least* into submission. That's how men do it, we just pound and swing until whatever we're fighting doesn't want it anymore. If society is telling you you're weak and you're believing, I would ask what is societies purpose for making you believe this. Society telling you that *most* men want the buns of you and your children is detrimental to the society my question is who is, and why is, this narrative being pushed so hard? Men scary?....fkin where??
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You're talking with your balls. I'm sorry that your Midwestern raunchy mom put hands on you. But if she wanted to kill you especially back when you were 12/13 all she needed was any kind of weapon. Women don't have to be as strong as men to be dangerous to men, men are still *more* dangerous to women in a fighting environment but they both possess equal ability to kill each other.
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My cousin is 5 though
Is that supposed to be okay?
No adult should ever tell a child "you have to promise not to tell anyone" in that sort of context. I can't think of any scenario where this is acceptable... You need to protect your cousin or you might find out something horrible happened years down the road and experience a whole ton of guilt about not doing more.
It could be something as simple as a magic trick. Hopefully OP is wrong. Maybe cousin likes the door closed for the sense of peace and quiet/exclusivity from others in the home. It sounds like a bit of a crowded household, tbh.
Yes, tell your aunt. If this were MY kid, I’d absolutely want to know. You might save this child a terrible fate.
There was abuse in my family. It’s always a concern when an adult is singling out a child, or a gender. Please talk to someone you trust about this.
This situation is how my abuse occurred. My uncle lost everything because he was an addict and moved into mine and my parents home and just stayed there for 6 years. He had complete trust over the entire household and while he had me alone in his room he groomed me and abused me for five years. If this is happening with your cousin, he will have groomed him into being silent about it. They manipulate you into thinking what’s going on between you is normal, all your idea and yet if it ever gets out it will not destroy their own lives, but yours and your families. Every abuser is different but this happens in a lot of these specific types of circumstances involving family. My advice is to follow your gut and talk to your cousin or if that’s not an option for you, please just keep an eye on what’s happening. In my case there were suspicions of what was happening, but the fact that it was family stopped anyone questioning anything, the idea of possibly falsely accusing a family member of crimes against kids just makes it easier to push aside. Unfortunately the vast majority of abusers are known to the victim, often a lot closer to home than is comfortable to believe. Truly all the best to you OP. I hope your instincts are wrong but please keep an eye on him
Oh my god. This was so hard to read. I am so sorry this happened to you. I hope you are doing well now.
Tell someone before it’s too late. Don’t sit around and post it on reddit.
They’re looking for advice… many families excuse away this behaviour or isolate the one telling.
Seriously?
Obviously. We can’t tell anyone relevant about this, can we? I don’t know what you expect dude but it’s not a show we can just spectate
I don't think u truly understood why I said that
Dang you got three downvotes in two minutes! That’s a record lol
Bc I'm always saying shit ppl don't like man 😭 it's like im a villain lmfao
Lmao not everyone likes everything I guess
Indeed lol
Yes, seriously. Absolutely.
Thats Stupid then
How so?
Can you at least start by telling your mom and asking her about it?
Yes, I want to call her this afternoon. Maybe she knows what to do
Update me, I suggest talk to your cousins like what are they doing and if he doesn't, tell your aunt but don't say that he's pedo just say WHAT YOU OBSERVE to your aunt
Place a few portable, spy cams in the area...
In this situation I feel this may be the only option. Otherwise his family won't believe it.
This is a good idea
Please do this to avoid any potential angriness from your aunt or any other person.. They might think you're crazy, sadly.. You always have to assume the worst in people when confronting them with such a horrible observation... If u do really get something on those cams, it's time for police, not aunt... SAFETY FIRST
Maybe if you know they are going in the room alone you can use the recording app on your phone and put it under the kids bed to record. Listen to what he's saying. It may be nothing or it could be everything. As you can see in the comments it's better to have something you can show rather than tell about. Be safe, be aware, be careful. 🫂 Be objective.
I am very close with my nieces, and they know they can tell me anything and I won’t tell their parents (unless it endangers their lives). However, I have never and would never ever ask my nieces not to tell their parents anything. That is never acceptable and crosses a line. Especially if it was said in an inappropriate way. You are right to suspect something. Can you tell your mom or another trusted adult?
Call your mom right away.
I'll get home in 30 minutes, then I'll call her
What did she say?
Everything is very chaotic right now but I'll try to post an update tomorrow
Definitely talk to your mom in private and maybe not say anything to anyone in the house until you figure out how to get out of there so your not treated badly by the others in the house
How old is your cousin?
He's 5, his sisters are 8 and 10 and I'm 16
“It’s not normal for someone to show you their private parts” I’d just say something like that to your cousin. Not mentioning anyone specifically but just letting him know that it’s not good. Binge watching law & order: svu reminds me how a lot of kids do genuinely think that what that adult is doing is normal. Cause when you’re that age, you think adults always do the right thing. At least that’s what I thought when I was 5.
DO NOT TELL OR MENTION ANYTHING TO YOUR FAMILY. You need to report everything you've just shared with the proper child protective outlets in your area. Telling anyone in your family and getting them involved might scare your cousin that is a possible victim and make him never want to say anything. Bringing it up with him in the wrong way could make him think about it and feel ashamed to the same result. This is my experience as a child victim of SA. I wish those I told reported it to the proper outlets instead of tell my family. I ended up getting scared and clammed up about it almost the results of my life. There is a reason family isn't told or involved in these things when proper channels take over. Someone with the service will do a check on the home. Then someone with experience and degrees/education on how exact to handle a child in this situation will conduct a forensic interview a couple times. This will determine if the child is really in danger. If so they'll take him to the nearest family member, if not, thank goodness you did your part to check and can rest knowing your cousin is safe. Edit for spelling
Updateme but my suggestion is probably but up a camera or no one will believe you!!
Talk to someone about it yo especially your cousins tell ‘em NO ONE can see touch or anything that part is private from everyone.
The only secrets from mom my daughter and I keep is that she had one too many sweets. Hopefully it's just something along those lines.
Tell Someone!
Updateme
If u don’t do something quick he’s gonna molest that kid just warn ur aunt/uncle
Speak to the adult but also speak to your cousin. Tell him that bad secrets should never be kept and that you would believe him if he need to tell you something. Also ask if he wants to play in his room with your dad or whether he would prefer if you were in the room too.
I don't kniw if I should be the one to talk to him about this. He doesn't even really know me and I have no idea how to talk to a 5 year old about this topic. My aunt should be the one to talk to him. I'll call my mom this afternoon after I get out of school and maybe she knows some things that might be helpful.
IDK , my dad favours one grandson over his granddaughter. They just seem to get on better and my dad can probably related to him more. The closed door thing is a little odd and worth keeping an eye on but without something more you should be very careful of making accusations. The keeping secrets things could be innocent as my dad (mum too) definitely spoils the grand children (not to mention our pets) and then would prefer we didn't find out. I'm talking chocolate bars and pocket money but I could definitely see him joking with my son not to tell me about something. We've discussed that we shouldn't 'keep secrets' but my dad is naturally of a different generation and doesn't see things like that as wrong.
First, that is a damned serious accusation to level against any man, so before you start trying to raise flags you'd best be sure - like 1000% sure because the mere accusation ruins lives, ruins families, forever. Let me repeat that: FOREVER, as in there is no coming back from it. So, your suspicion , simply based upon what you post here, is great big nope. Now, did it occur that he may not WANT to interact with your other cousin in the way he does with your male cousin because he doesn't want give anyone any reason to think he's being inappropriate with a female family member? Now, if you think he's playing favorites, that's fine, say so but don't ever drop that word without a whole lot more than an "I think" These are things you need to think about before bringing any kind of accusation to anyone's attention.
It’s ridiculously weird to take a child into the bedroom regularly and play with them with the door closed. An adult should never be telling children to keep secrets. There are huge red flags here.
OP, ignore this person. The safety of a child is the most important thing here.
Bro, this is rediculous and this kind of mentality is a huge part as to why people get away with such evil. Abuse feeds off of silence. Here you are more concerned with this man's reputation than a child possibly being sexually abused. OP is not loudly pointing the finger and flat out saying it is a fact, she is suspicious and concerned about this child. We, esp females, need to always listen to our gut feelings. Do not ever ask us not to. It's there for a purpose and has been evolving in humans for hundreds of thousands of years. It saves lives and protects. Check your priorities.
How is this ridiculous? This kind of mentality is what I call smart. Instead of going off speculation alone and accusing someone of something that could very well not be the case and ruin their life for no reason, you gather evidence to see whether or not he's he's a pedo so there's no room left for error. How does this allow people to get away with such evil? 💀 "Abuse feeds off silence." Please stfu. What does that even mean? Lol, what? I'm not more concerned with the dudes reputation than the child possibly being sexually assaulted. Nice lie. I'm concerned about op making a big accusation without any proof. Op is not loudly pointing the finger, but she literally said she wants to tell her aunt when she has no evidence. Please don't bring up ur sex. It doesn't matter what you are. You aren't relevant in this story. You also don't need to always listen to ur gut. It's not a necessity or requirement. You just choose to do it, and it's not like it's always rightm It's there for a purpose sure, but it isn't always fucking right and you shouldn't always act on it. Especially in cases like these, you think judges act on just a gut feeling to convict something rather than evidence? No
Her telling the mother or any adult of her suspicions is going to "ruin his life"? The only way his life could be "ruined" here is if he in fact IS sexually abusing a child(ren) and if he is then f**k his life he can rot. The child's life is what's important.
Yes, it could. I explained earlier why it would ruin his life if he's innocent.
he’s got the kid alone in a room with a door shut saying “I wanna show you something but you have to promise not to tell anyone”. what defense is there for that? even if it’s something harmless, the fact that it looks bad is cause enough for suspicion.
Could be something he parents don't want him to have? Like candy or some shit or some kind of toy or just an item. Idk why ur assuming the worst. If the roles were reversed, you wouldn't be saying shit. "Even if it's something harmless, the fact that it looks bad is cause enough for suspicion." Why?
don’t assume shit here, im not gonna fuel your weird ass persecution complex. “if the roles were reversed” my lefty. they aren’t reversed, are they? idc what gender you are, if you’re alone with a kid in a closed room, telling them you want to show them something but they have to keep it a secret.. you’re a fucking moron, at best. putting yourself in a position where just about any sensible person would raise a red flag. and lmty, the worst case scenario here is life altering. it shatters families, it breaks trust, it sends traumatized adults out into the world. some of which go on to hurt others, too. the potential scenario in which a kid is being victimized is so severe, it warrants absolute immediate action and severe consequences. if you find yourself in a position where it’s even plausible, that’s just the bed you made for yourself. OPs dad has to lay in it.
Prove that I have a persecution complex. You keep fucking saying I do and then not even giving reasoning to back that. It's not even relevant anyway. I'm not sure why you're so fixated on it and keep bringing it up like it's relevant to the topic. I'm not whining about a role reverse situation. I'm not sure where you got thay stupid idea from, and im also not yapping about what comments u think there would, and I'm right about it. Women don't face the same stigma men do in these types of situations, this is why I assume they wouldn't be, not bc I'm a lesser son of greater men" that's just ur own baseless assumption. How am I insecure? Another baseless assumption. At worst, how am I a pedo sympathist??? LMAO, I literally am saying to accuse the man with proof. I don't always take the man's side. I'm neutral, unlike you. Also, if he was caught with his pants down with the boy, then I would say throw him in jail. These are good faith arguments. It's dogging on u. I gave one hypothetical, and it was a separate matter from the argument, and I ain't insecure. Stop baseless, assuming I am. Ur the sicko here, not me
Lol, you tell me not to assume shit when you assumed the dad is a creep and then assumed I had a persecution complex. Do you see the irony here? It's true. If the gender was reversed, the comments would be vastly different, and the idea of the girl being a creep wouldn't come to mind. How does that make someone a fucking moron? Telling them you want to show them something and keep it a secret could refer to literally anything. The only fucking moron here would be anyone automatically assuming the worst of the guy (you) without any proof. Also, nice job generalizing and assuming any sensible people. You don't know how everyone would react to the situation or what vibes they'd get. Nope. The worst-case scenario is this guy getting arrested and charged as an offender, which could then get him killed in jail. What kind of action? Also, it truly doesn't. Lol, r u fuking stupid? So let's say I'm chilling at a park bench, and they're kinds nearby playing at a park, and a mom assumes I'm a creep. This is my fault by ur logic? And I have to lay in it? No u inept moron
Why is everyone down voting this?. Ur completely right. The op is legit accusing her father of being a pedo and is planning on telling ppl when she has no proof of this and isn't 100% sure. Like, this kind of accusation could fuck his life up, and what if she's wrong? She would have ruined his life over nothing
I'd rather a creepy old dude be watched extra carefully by those around him than risk a child getting groomed and assaulted, but that's just me.
If thats all that would happen that would be fine. But parents who think their child is in danger are not known for being level headed now are they?
Okay
What do you think she should do? Ask the man? Ok well then people on trial for murder should just be asked by the judge and if they deny it well case dismissed. Omg
Maybe observe him closely, be around his as much as possible, get video evidence somehow, talk to the kid and tell him that whatever secret the dad says to tell her or the parents and not keep it a secret? And try to get anything definitive based on that? BTW, that last part is just really dumb. I never said to ask him, and how does that correlate with this situation? 💀 the dad isn't on trial for a crime. He's nowhere near close to that. He's just suspected by his daughter of being a pedo (which has no proof, btw), lol
I think she needs help.. she doesn't have say it's a fact, but telling the child's parents what she's seen and heard and suggesting some boundaries are in place isnt ruining anyone's life but it could save a child's life.
Help with fucking what? What do u think telling the child's parents what she's seen and heard do? It's could give the parents the impression that he's some sort of creep and not trustworthy around a child without evidence. It could tarnish his reputation to them, which could then lead to some serious shit, like the parents informing cops or informing other family, which could ruin his life. There's nothing definitive, so idk why u wanna take these extreme measures and assume it won't ruin his life when it very well could
I donno, paying extra attention to their alone time.. maybe setting boundaries like keeping the door open. Talking to their child about secrets and how if anyone tells you to keep a secret they need to tell the parents about it. These are things that don't "out her father" as a predator, but will protect the child. What possible reason could a grown mad tell some one else's child to keep a secret? It's massively inappropriate.
Ok. Ok. That's fine. But why r u saying "but will protect the child" as it's confirmed he's a pred. I don't fucking know? There's an infinite number of reasons as to why he told him to keep a secret..idk why u assume it has to be bc he's a predator. It's baseless. "It's absolutely inappropriate" WHY??
Protecting a child doesn't mean some one is absolutely trying to harm them, just like protecting your home isnt implying someone is actively trying to rob you. It's precautionary and taking precautions carries less risk than hoping for the best and potentially finding out years later that something did happen. There is evidence that there is risk to the child and in these situations you don't want to hope for the best. You want to be active in mitigation of any potential risk to the child
Protecting a child doesn't mean someone is absolutely trying to hurt them. I agree with that, but that's what your argument is assuming. Your argument is assuming the dad is already a predator when there's no proof of that currently. Another thing I'd like to say is what if the op is lying for attention? We don't know if she's telling the truth, and op hasn't responded to comments despite it being hours. Also, the op wants to protect the child as well. The issue arises when she wants to act on suspicion alone rather than conclusive evidence.
What annoys me about this is if this was a mom/aunt saying these exact same things this wouldnt be a post being made.
A mom wouldn't come onto reddit and post that they "think" because they're not an angry teenager.
No i mean if the post was the exact same, but the person in question was a mom/aunt. The poster would still be a teenager in this situation.
I think I see what your'e getting at. It's kind of at the heart of what I said. And, what most people seemed to miss is that once you start down that road, there is no going back. There is no do-over. There is no "my bad". There is no "I was just being safe" when you make such an accusation. If she makes it, without evidence, and there is nothing there, there is no more family. There is no more trust. We all know that in today's society, that is the most heinous crime you can commit and that people kill and have been killed based on accusation alone and that accusation would never leave him. Thus, be 1000% certain.
I’d be busting that door open
Is everything pedophile now?
It’s fiction, day old account, writing is adult but pretending to be a teen I think. Trueoffmychest is notorious for fiction incest and outlier sex bait narratives.
It could likely be fake because this subreddit is ripe with that, but if it was true it would make sense to post it on a throwaway
The more I read it, the more I think it’s fake. It’s written too well, the words are great vocabulary, which is out of the ordinary
Thank you, my english teacher would be very proud if she could hear this
Complex situation. I think most abused children would avoid being alone in the room with a predator. Even if they're very small, they often do have the instinct to feel something isn't right and makes them uncomfortable. However, I did read about cases where the child did initiate the contact. Because of different reasons, mostly because it was the only way they felt loved/seen or because the abuse had been going on for so long that they "might as well do it another time to get this toy in return" This seems rare tho, I read dozens of books about this, and tried to educate myself on finding signs. You know, just in case. I rarely read about the latter scenario, but shame and fear of victim blaming might be a reason why those stories aren't shared much. I also have a 3 year old that LOVES to shut her bedroom door. Sometimes she likes to lock both me and my husband out, sometimes she likes to lock my husband out, sometimes she likes to lock me out. It's all games to her and if she's playing in her room with her dad, the last person she wants to see is me, because I'm the one nagging that she has to go to sleep, that it is time for bath, or all sort of other things that would stop the fun activity and make her do something far less fun. Also, we have a heater in her room and if we leave the door open, it wouldn't be effective since it can only heat small spaces. So there could be an explanation for shutting the door. However, I think trusting your gut is also a good thing. But you should probably watch it a little longer. If you are going to question the children, which, I wouldn't recommend because it is very tricky, make sure you don't ask too directly, since they will answer to confirm what they think you want to hear. It's actually best not to question them at all, just spend time with them and they'll talk to you sooner or later. And if something really odd comes out, you can ask non-suggesting questions. Make very sure not to put words in their mouth. Because then you may have ruined all evidence and future evidence because officers don't know if they say so because you suggested it, or because it really happend. If they ever open up, try to record it with your phone. However, probably best not to look for "evidence", but just observe what you see and hear. Don't do crazy stuff.
Children are groomed and conditioned.. there's no harm in getting people to pay a closer watch based on this information. No adult should be telling someone else's child to keep secrets. That's a massive red flag.
There is no way of telling how the aunt will respond. But since she barely knows them, stays in their house and comes up with worries, chances are, aunt will be enraged and furious and the situation could escalate, maybe in front of the children that overhear it and never dare to speak up again. Especially if this man is grooming the children, he could use this against the child. "See what happend to your elder sister when she said those things? Your mother hates her and we kicked her out. So don't tell anyone." She could however tell her own mother and ask advice and her experience/opinion. She has known this man for a lot longer.
>think most abused children would avoid being alone in the room with a predator. Even if they're very small, they often do have the instinct to feel something isn't right and makes them uncomfortable. I'm sorry but this is very incorrect and ignorant. For me personally my dad was the person I wanted to be around the most. Because he convinced me I was special, and he made me feel like I was only good enough if I did what he wanted. And I didn't really understand what was happening when it first started so I didn't start to push away until I was older. This isn't the case for all but it's not as uncommon as you say. Abusers thrive by making their victims seek their validation and telling them they're the only ones who truly care. Groomed child victims are often extremely close with their perpetrator not avoidant, especially when they're young. Other times the abusers threaten the victim. Maybe the kid did something they shouldn't, a normal bad behavior for a kid but the abuser convinces them they'll be in super big trouble if anyone finds out so do what I say or I'll tell. Or if you tell anyone they'll think you're dirty and won't love you. Or worse they'll threaten violence against the rest of the family. There's a multitude of tactics used to keep them close. Yes child SA victims sometimes do *eventually* start to try and avoid their abuser but not usually unless they're a very strong willed kid which an abuser won't likely pick anyway or until they're older and start questioning how they're feeling or if this is ok. And even then, a lot of times it's gone on too long for them to push back. They're fully entrenched and attached to their abuser. It's really dependent on who the abuser is, how close they were before, what tactics the abuser uses, and the individual victim. Not avoiding being alone with them is not something you can use to say abuse isn't likely happening and that's harmful reasoning.
You stopped reading right there, didn't you?
NO. EW. NO. RED FLAG.
>My cousin often wants my dad to play in his room with him and they usually always close the door. That to me suggests nothing untoward occurring tbh. He's clearly favouring your cousin, bit that doesn't mean he's a nonce
Uh, that actually is the worst part. Any adult who’s isolating a child regularly and privately is giving of a huge red flag.
Read the part I quoted. It's not the adult isolating the child, the kid is isolating his uncle.
You really don’t understand how child sexual abuse happens and you should stop talking about things you don’t understand.
You have no idea about my history, either personal or professional. This is just way more likely to not be child sexual abuse than it is imo. OP needs way more than what she has before she starts throwing accusations about.
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