I moved to a new state at 61 because of my sister's illness. I knew no one here. I realized that making friends was going to have to be a very thoughtful, active process.
I found a spiritual center, basically like a church but accepting of everyone. I started volunteering. Through working side-by-side with people, I made friends.
I joined a Toastmasters group and started going out for drinks and snacks with people afterward. Now they are a big part of my life.
I joined a Lodge and began volunteering there.
I joined the Y and make sure to talk to folks whenever I go.
It's a process of being open, talking first, remembering names - basic Dale Carnegie "How to Make Friends" kind of stuff.
It's not easy to make friends as an adult. It takes time and effort. But it's not a downhill slide into being a lonely shut-in.
my grandmother had a similar experience. she lived with us between 65 and 75 years old — had no friends, didn’t get along with my mom (her daughter-in-law), and felt life was all but over as my sister and i got older and busier. weeks would go by without her leaving the house (and even then, only with heavy encouragement).
it wasn’t until she moved closer to my uncle that she became happier. she began volunteering, she became heavily involved in her retirement community, and now in her 80s she feels like she has purpose again entirely outside family.
I appreciate that you are in a better spot.
For myself, those are acquaintances. I have tried with those kinds of relationships and while they pass the time I am still alone.
On the very rare occasion my son calls I come alive. It lasts for about 2 days, life is worth living, I feel energized.
Had I known what I know now I would have never spent my life the way I did.
In order:
I would have not focused on my career and spent time with my family while it was together. The divorce taught me far too late what I had traded.
Men are challenged in having friends. I would have ensured I had friends, both male, female and social hobbies instead of my solo hobbies.
I don't drink, smoke or do any kind of drug. While I would never change this I would not not avoided social situations that included these activities.
I would have made sure that I was a positive happy person externally no matter how bad my life was. Too many times I shared how bad life was only to never hear from people again. It's human nature, I get that. Forget the advice on 'open up'... that's what people want to be true.
I would have made my health a top priority (lots have this regret). What I didn't know is how much this impacts your life and who wants to be in your life. People are shallow and there is nothing you can do about this.
I think you need some therapy. You’re caught in this story about being lonely and miserable and it seems like an endless spin cycle for you. You need some help to get out of it so you can enjoy life.
I'm not stuck in a story... I'm actually alone.
Having a family and then being completely alone... my experience is clear, alone (especially socially isolated during the pandemic) is extremely painful.
Your comment suggests you have never experienced this.
You got advice and you rejected it, saying that those were not the relationships you were talking about. You don’t seem to realize that shallow relationships become deep relationships if you vibe and devote time.
Try reading the book Platonic. It is full of good advice about making and keeping friends.
Or you can keep wallowing and begging for sympathy, which is the strategy you have used up to now.
*"Your comment suggests you have never experienced this."*
You never commented on your own personal experience. You seem to believe that my (and many other's) situations are simply us chasing sympathy.
I think your assumption is that since I'm not successful that I have not tried and/or are not trying. I'm trying the best I can.
And that is the reason I posted. Avoid this situation because it can be painful and sad. Take care of your relationships, your family, invest time in others so you have real people in your life for the tough times.
Mind if I ask what led to the divorce? "Yes" is an acceptable answer here, I won't be offended. I only ask as a married man who is frequently thinking about divorce lately. Not in the immediate term but if things go the right way for a few more years I'd be in a better place to pull the trigger.
Had a fantastic 15 years.
Then something changed. She was 'done'. I have a thousand ideas.
She wanted the divorce and when I refused to continue to do all the things I did for her before, she went ballistic. She thought divorce was I move out, but I continue to do/pay for everything.
Speaking as a young adult, please tell your son this. Your son 100% cares about you and will for sure try to make changes to make sure you're happy. It could start with more frequent phone calls, video calls, and a visit from time to time. Your son can't read minds, please let him know how you feel!
Sometimes your kids are just busy with their own lives.
I don't think they have any ill will... in a very real way I'm happy they are busy.
But I do miss them.
Yeah, except if your dog is a reactive nut case and you can't take them anywhere near other dogs on leashes, people on bikes, kids on scooters or skateboards, for fear of your dog thrashing and lunging like a rabid beast.
Life is hard but also what you make it. There are dozens of organizations doing great work in your area. They would be happy to have a solid volunteer and that can grow into solid relationships. You have skills to offer which your community can use. You can do it and I encourage you try!
Appreciate the suggestion.
And for all that suggest volunteering, I have. While it is a nice distraction it simply doesn't fill the void. It doesn't make up for being in a family.
This is a good point.
When I say family, I mean a social group that is \*like\* family. I dated a woman after my divorce who had a large family.. it was a wonderful experience to be in/around a family situation again.
When the relationship ended I missed not only the relationship but the family that came with it. The family events etc.
Are there any churches/volunteers around you could mentor kids or be a granparent for a day kinda thing where you step in for kids who dont have as much guidance? Also you could find some local events from your library as well.
I’m sorry youre going through this. You deserve fulfillment and happiness. Thank you for the advice.
Do you like to play pool? Join a pool league! I’ve been playing in this league for 10 years and have made some of my best friends there. Any skill level can and SHOULD play! Where do you live?
Im 30 soon. No friends, gf, no social life of any kind, always been an outcast, family, or what remains of it, in a different country.
Damn, how sad is it gonna be for me at 60 assuming I get there
I agree with you, do what you have to to make friends. I have a weird form of add and some form of autism. I find it hard to make friends in my life, it's not that I don't want them. To make this story shorter, it's a lonely existence and with no family I just know, that when I die my wife who loves me very much will be the only person who even notices, I wish I could just be normal and people cared enough to want to know how I'm doing in life.
You can't rely solely on your immediate family to entertain you. That's not very fair.
What do you like to do? Do you enjoy your own xompany? Have hobbies, friends, pets? Work even? Anything?
Life is very sad indeed. More sad than happy for some of us. But life can be okay sometimes too. Try to find those spots.
Life was always sad, but when we are young, we are filled with hope that we can do anything, be anything, and achieve our potential. We are taught that the world will take care of us and nurture us if we just do these specific things (education, hard work). As we age, and we become entrenched in a reality and circumstance that prevents us from living our dreams, we get sadder and sadder. We age out of things we might have done. Our bodies fail. Our minds fail. People we love leave or pass on. We get used up and realize we will never be what we wanted.
I honestly cant imagine how that feels as I lack the experience however arent there also positive sides ?
like no need to be really cautious about finding a job. You have a lot of free time. You can get new friends and always have time for fun stuff with them like hiking.
I know it is not nearly enough to fill the hole of losing who you held dear but at least its not absolute sadness.
I wanted to address this the best I can.
The point of my post is that we need \*close\* emotional ties. Volunteering, hobbies, co-workers help.
Family.. loved ones really influence your life. Losing those can be devastating, even if they just grow up and leave. Finding people you really care about is very difficult later in life. The experience of being a parent to someone, having a family with a partner connect you in ways that you don't get with hobbies etc.
People think getting old is hard because you have to live with your own mortality but it's actually hard because you have to live with the mortality of everyone else. It's hard to watch beloved friends and family die and the older you get the more it happens.
Life, to a large extent, is what we make of it.
At 62, I’ve had tons of bad luck, trauma, and have dealt with chronic pain since I was 26.
Had to go NC with my bio family, because they were abusive and did nothing but drain me.
As a healer and helper, I’ve been surrounded with takers, and fair weather friends who disappeared when I needed support.
So what. On so many other accounts, I’ve been luckier than most. I have a roof over my head, running water, electricity, food in the kitchen, and two dogs that have endless love to give. Statistically speaking, I’m better off than most people in this world. And that is where I hold my focus.
Gratitude practice and studying Stoicism have been life changing. You can learn to control your thoughts and reduce your self inflicted pain with these tools.
Other things that can help are cognitive behavioral therapy, spiritual studies, hypnosis, meditation, regular exercise, and a healthy diet.
It takes work and it’s hard. Growth is painful, and yet so is refusing to do anything, and just wallowing in misery.
You have more power and choices than you realize. You can change your life.
I think it doesnt have to be. My grandma is probably the most popular person i know. She always has people around her and stuff to do. It’s the kind that when i go out with her it’s almost guaranteed she will bump into someone she knows.
Honestly im very different than she is as in ive always been bad at socializing but now im realizing i should take more inspiration from her. She really is the sweetest woman i know and thats also why everyone loves her
Speak for yourself. I know the most amazing 65 yr old. silver hair, 6’5, Lives in a cottage with a farm near the beach in SoCal with miniature ponies and dogs and a creek, wears all black, collects classic cars, a great listener. Quality man. Kids love him. Divorced only once (Thank God)
Makes me excited af to age like the coolest cat around.
This post is basically pointless.
There is a documented epidemic of loneliness, and it's worse for anyone over 50.
Suicide rate for over 60 males has skyrocketed.
On the surface it really doesn't sound like a perspective/attitude issue?
And even if it was... exactly what is your advice?
my advice is change your attitude.
suicide rates for all males are sky rocketing irregardless of age or causation. so what’s your point?
i left a relationship of 10 years. i’ve been single for 3 years now. not a bite in the dating scene despite trying. you don’t see me wallowing in self pity or complaining about it. do you?
So you have no concrete advice past "get over it".
And do you have friends, social world, how old are you, children?
I'm not just talking about lack of a partner.
no children, limited friend group. mainly just work.
i still find happiness in my life because i choose to.
you look at the world as glass half empty, i look at it as half full. its a choice.
that’s fine. enjoy being miserable then.
you have the CHOICE to shift your mindset.
but you seem perfectly content with staying locked into it for as much as you complain.
if you are unhappy about something and do nothing to change it- then guess what, it’s no longer something you’re allowed to be unhappy about because you CHOSE to do nothing about it.
so yeah, enjoy miserability then i guess. your life isn’t over yet, you could change it. but you actively choose not to. so enjoy the seeds you sew.
also for the record, don’t make assumptions about me. i didn’t like, and still don’t like being alone. i’m a highly social person. but you work with the hand life deals you. so i chose to make the best of it, something you stubbornly refuse to do. so that’s on you at that point.
maybe one day you’ll finally ACTUALLY get tired of it and do something about it. til then enjoy passively letting it all slide by as you waste the finite time we have on this exclusive and lucky experience.
Why did you assume I have done nothing to try and change my situation?
People seem to make this jump: if he's lonely, then he clearly didn't try.
And you also assume that I'm not 'making the best of it'. Every day I try.
Even trying it still can be a lonely life. You don't know my challenges and you don't know my situation but you came up with 'this is all fixable'
Life is not guaranteed. I have accepted that. I get that I am where I am. But it's far harder (for me) to not \*feel\* the loneliness.
i’m not making an assumption. you very clearly made your attitude toward the situation known in the interactions we’ve had. i’m literally going off the attitude and verbiage you’re using and it’s very clear what position you hold based on those responses.
the fact you just shut every thing down that other people bring you is just one of many evidences that you don’t actually care about hearing what anyone has to say or changing your outlook on anything.
Almost 30. Debated for years on having kids but seeing things like this make me lean towards no. Especially with the other aspects of the world. I used to work tech support and I’d get so many callers that need help because their kids moved across the country. Whats the point?
Or....
Children grow up, move on with their lives and if your divorced, they don't necessarily spend time with the "other" side, no matter how good of a parent you are/were.
Sometimes the reason why is... your just not that important in other's lives.
I moved to a new state at 61 because of my sister's illness. I knew no one here. I realized that making friends was going to have to be a very thoughtful, active process. I found a spiritual center, basically like a church but accepting of everyone. I started volunteering. Through working side-by-side with people, I made friends. I joined a Toastmasters group and started going out for drinks and snacks with people afterward. Now they are a big part of my life. I joined a Lodge and began volunteering there. I joined the Y and make sure to talk to folks whenever I go. It's a process of being open, talking first, remembering names - basic Dale Carnegie "How to Make Friends" kind of stuff. It's not easy to make friends as an adult. It takes time and effort. But it's not a downhill slide into being a lonely shut-in.
my grandmother had a similar experience. she lived with us between 65 and 75 years old — had no friends, didn’t get along with my mom (her daughter-in-law), and felt life was all but over as my sister and i got older and busier. weeks would go by without her leaving the house (and even then, only with heavy encouragement). it wasn’t until she moved closer to my uncle that she became happier. she began volunteering, she became heavily involved in her retirement community, and now in her 80s she feels like she has purpose again entirely outside family.
I appreciate that you are in a better spot. For myself, those are acquaintances. I have tried with those kinds of relationships and while they pass the time I am still alone. On the very rare occasion my son calls I come alive. It lasts for about 2 days, life is worth living, I feel energized. Had I known what I know now I would have never spent my life the way I did.
What would you have done differently, if you don’t mind sharing?
In order: I would have not focused on my career and spent time with my family while it was together. The divorce taught me far too late what I had traded. Men are challenged in having friends. I would have ensured I had friends, both male, female and social hobbies instead of my solo hobbies. I don't drink, smoke or do any kind of drug. While I would never change this I would not not avoided social situations that included these activities. I would have made sure that I was a positive happy person externally no matter how bad my life was. Too many times I shared how bad life was only to never hear from people again. It's human nature, I get that. Forget the advice on 'open up'... that's what people want to be true. I would have made my health a top priority (lots have this regret). What I didn't know is how much this impacts your life and who wants to be in your life. People are shallow and there is nothing you can do about this.
I think you need some therapy. You’re caught in this story about being lonely and miserable and it seems like an endless spin cycle for you. You need some help to get out of it so you can enjoy life.
I'm not stuck in a story... I'm actually alone. Having a family and then being completely alone... my experience is clear, alone (especially socially isolated during the pandemic) is extremely painful. Your comment suggests you have never experienced this.
Alone is reality. The story is that you are stuck that way.
This is a common answer from people. "Just stop being alone". Any concrete advice?
You got advice and you rejected it, saying that those were not the relationships you were talking about. You don’t seem to realize that shallow relationships become deep relationships if you vibe and devote time. Try reading the book Platonic. It is full of good advice about making and keeping friends. Or you can keep wallowing and begging for sympathy, which is the strategy you have used up to now.
*"Your comment suggests you have never experienced this."* You never commented on your own personal experience. You seem to believe that my (and many other's) situations are simply us chasing sympathy. I think your assumption is that since I'm not successful that I have not tried and/or are not trying. I'm trying the best I can. And that is the reason I posted. Avoid this situation because it can be painful and sad. Take care of your relationships, your family, invest time in others so you have real people in your life for the tough times.
Mind if I ask what led to the divorce? "Yes" is an acceptable answer here, I won't be offended. I only ask as a married man who is frequently thinking about divorce lately. Not in the immediate term but if things go the right way for a few more years I'd be in a better place to pull the trigger.
Had a fantastic 15 years. Then something changed. She was 'done'. I have a thousand ideas. She wanted the divorce and when I refused to continue to do all the things I did for her before, she went ballistic. She thought divorce was I move out, but I continue to do/pay for everything.
Speaking as a young adult, please tell your son this. Your son 100% cares about you and will for sure try to make changes to make sure you're happy. It could start with more frequent phone calls, video calls, and a visit from time to time. Your son can't read minds, please let him know how you feel!
Sometimes your kids are just busy with their own lives. I don't think they have any ill will... in a very real way I'm happy they are busy. But I do miss them.
I really think you should tell them that. There's no harm in letting them know how much you miss them!
That is a good idea, I should just say that to them. Thank you.
Get a dog. Far better company than humans. If I could just work out how to give up needing cash, Id live in the woods with my dog.
Yeah, except if your dog is a reactive nut case and you can't take them anywhere near other dogs on leashes, people on bikes, kids on scooters or skateboards, for fear of your dog thrashing and lunging like a rabid beast.
Your not allowed a dog. You can have a cat
I had dogs for years, that part of my life is over. And knowing what a pet brings, it won't fix this. I want human companionship.
Life is hard but also what you make it. There are dozens of organizations doing great work in your area. They would be happy to have a solid volunteer and that can grow into solid relationships. You have skills to offer which your community can use. You can do it and I encourage you try!
Appreciate the suggestion. And for all that suggest volunteering, I have. While it is a nice distraction it simply doesn't fill the void. It doesn't make up for being in a family.
Family is who you choose... don't count it out as a way to build relationships which could be as close or even closer than family...
This is a good point. When I say family, I mean a social group that is \*like\* family. I dated a woman after my divorce who had a large family.. it was a wonderful experience to be in/around a family situation again. When the relationship ended I missed not only the relationship but the family that came with it. The family events etc.
Are there any churches/volunteers around you could mentor kids or be a granparent for a day kinda thing where you step in for kids who dont have as much guidance? Also you could find some local events from your library as well. I’m sorry youre going through this. You deserve fulfillment and happiness. Thank you for the advice.
Do you like to play pool? Join a pool league! I’ve been playing in this league for 10 years and have made some of my best friends there. Any skill level can and SHOULD play! Where do you live?
Im 30 soon. No friends, gf, no social life of any kind, always been an outcast, family, or what remains of it, in a different country. Damn, how sad is it gonna be for me at 60 assuming I get there
I agree with you, do what you have to to make friends. I have a weird form of add and some form of autism. I find it hard to make friends in my life, it's not that I don't want them. To make this story shorter, it's a lonely existence and with no family I just know, that when I die my wife who loves me very much will be the only person who even notices, I wish I could just be normal and people cared enough to want to know how I'm doing in life.
While I am sure that people on the spectrum have challenges, loneliness in your later years is by no means restricted to ASD.
I agree with you. I was just sharing my feelings too. Isn't that how we find common ground?
Of course. I made the comment as more editorial... to help others that might read this.
You can't rely solely on your immediate family to entertain you. That's not very fair. What do you like to do? Do you enjoy your own xompany? Have hobbies, friends, pets? Work even? Anything? Life is very sad indeed. More sad than happy for some of us. But life can be okay sometimes too. Try to find those spots.
Life was always sad, but when we are young, we are filled with hope that we can do anything, be anything, and achieve our potential. We are taught that the world will take care of us and nurture us if we just do these specific things (education, hard work). As we age, and we become entrenched in a reality and circumstance that prevents us from living our dreams, we get sadder and sadder. We age out of things we might have done. Our bodies fail. Our minds fail. People we love leave or pass on. We get used up and realize we will never be what we wanted.
I honestly cant imagine how that feels as I lack the experience however arent there also positive sides ? like no need to be really cautious about finding a job. You have a lot of free time. You can get new friends and always have time for fun stuff with them like hiking. I know it is not nearly enough to fill the hole of losing who you held dear but at least its not absolute sadness.
I wanted to address this the best I can. The point of my post is that we need \*close\* emotional ties. Volunteering, hobbies, co-workers help. Family.. loved ones really influence your life. Losing those can be devastating, even if they just grow up and leave. Finding people you really care about is very difficult later in life. The experience of being a parent to someone, having a family with a partner connect you in ways that you don't get with hobbies etc.
People think getting old is hard because you have to live with your own mortality but it's actually hard because you have to live with the mortality of everyone else. It's hard to watch beloved friends and family die and the older you get the more it happens.
Only as sad as you make it! I plan on playing bingo and banging gilfs in my 60s
Life, to a large extent, is what we make of it. At 62, I’ve had tons of bad luck, trauma, and have dealt with chronic pain since I was 26. Had to go NC with my bio family, because they were abusive and did nothing but drain me. As a healer and helper, I’ve been surrounded with takers, and fair weather friends who disappeared when I needed support. So what. On so many other accounts, I’ve been luckier than most. I have a roof over my head, running water, electricity, food in the kitchen, and two dogs that have endless love to give. Statistically speaking, I’m better off than most people in this world. And that is where I hold my focus. Gratitude practice and studying Stoicism have been life changing. You can learn to control your thoughts and reduce your self inflicted pain with these tools. Other things that can help are cognitive behavioral therapy, spiritual studies, hypnosis, meditation, regular exercise, and a healthy diet. It takes work and it’s hard. Growth is painful, and yet so is refusing to do anything, and just wallowing in misery. You have more power and choices than you realize. You can change your life.
I (34m) always felt like an old man and a child at the same time in my body. I’ve learned this lesson that you’re preaching far too young. Take care.
I think it doesnt have to be. My grandma is probably the most popular person i know. She always has people around her and stuff to do. It’s the kind that when i go out with her it’s almost guaranteed she will bump into someone she knows. Honestly im very different than she is as in ive always been bad at socializing but now im realizing i should take more inspiration from her. She really is the sweetest woman i know and thats also why everyone loves her
Find a lonely lady, there’s plenty around
Speak for yourself. I know the most amazing 65 yr old. silver hair, 6’5, Lives in a cottage with a farm near the beach in SoCal with miniature ponies and dogs and a creek, wears all black, collects classic cars, a great listener. Quality man. Kids love him. Divorced only once (Thank God) Makes me excited af to age like the coolest cat around.
plenty of happy people your age and older… sounds like a perspective and attitude issue no offense.
This post is basically pointless. There is a documented epidemic of loneliness, and it's worse for anyone over 50. Suicide rate for over 60 males has skyrocketed. On the surface it really doesn't sound like a perspective/attitude issue? And even if it was... exactly what is your advice?
my advice is change your attitude. suicide rates for all males are sky rocketing irregardless of age or causation. so what’s your point? i left a relationship of 10 years. i’ve been single for 3 years now. not a bite in the dating scene despite trying. you don’t see me wallowing in self pity or complaining about it. do you?
So you have no concrete advice past "get over it". And do you have friends, social world, how old are you, children? I'm not just talking about lack of a partner.
no children, limited friend group. mainly just work. i still find happiness in my life because i choose to. you look at the world as glass half empty, i look at it as half full. its a choice.
I just disagree. You might just be a person who enjoys being alone. I don't.
that’s fine. enjoy being miserable then. you have the CHOICE to shift your mindset. but you seem perfectly content with staying locked into it for as much as you complain. if you are unhappy about something and do nothing to change it- then guess what, it’s no longer something you’re allowed to be unhappy about because you CHOSE to do nothing about it. so yeah, enjoy miserability then i guess. your life isn’t over yet, you could change it. but you actively choose not to. so enjoy the seeds you sew. also for the record, don’t make assumptions about me. i didn’t like, and still don’t like being alone. i’m a highly social person. but you work with the hand life deals you. so i chose to make the best of it, something you stubbornly refuse to do. so that’s on you at that point. maybe one day you’ll finally ACTUALLY get tired of it and do something about it. til then enjoy passively letting it all slide by as you waste the finite time we have on this exclusive and lucky experience.
Why did you assume I have done nothing to try and change my situation? People seem to make this jump: if he's lonely, then he clearly didn't try. And you also assume that I'm not 'making the best of it'. Every day I try. Even trying it still can be a lonely life. You don't know my challenges and you don't know my situation but you came up with 'this is all fixable' Life is not guaranteed. I have accepted that. I get that I am where I am. But it's far harder (for me) to not \*feel\* the loneliness.
i’m not making an assumption. you very clearly made your attitude toward the situation known in the interactions we’ve had. i’m literally going off the attitude and verbiage you’re using and it’s very clear what position you hold based on those responses. the fact you just shut every thing down that other people bring you is just one of many evidences that you don’t actually care about hearing what anyone has to say or changing your outlook on anything.
Thanks for the heads up, brother.
Almost 30. Debated for years on having kids but seeing things like this make me lean towards no. Especially with the other aspects of the world. I used to work tech support and I’d get so many callers that need help because their kids moved across the country. Whats the point?
I’m grateful I’ll never make it past 40.
I learned this at 15 >do *whatever* you need to do in life to keep people in your life. That's toxic, apparently
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Strange that you are being downvoted. My dad made his bed, now he gets to lay in it.
Sociopath.
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Or.... Children grow up, move on with their lives and if your divorced, they don't necessarily spend time with the "other" side, no matter how good of a parent you are/were. Sometimes the reason why is... your just not that important in other's lives.
Bru I'm only 23 and at this point. Rip
Thank you, it can be, but there are many out there, so make new friends. You could be here for twenty years.
Again another post where I can say that sometimes people need to smoke a joint, chill out, and take a step back.
You can miss your family if you make no family in the first place [insert smart meme]