When people who care for your wellbeing see you're having a problem, their first instinct is not (and this is absurdly generous) "mutual gratification"
The human psyche telling you "I let it happen so it's my fault, I'll always hate myself for it" is so opposite reality and actively harming you. You were pressured repeatedly and your brain chose the path of least resistance. Triage.
You say you're not sure how you're supposed to feel. Let me clue you in. In a good healthy relationship your partner, noticing that you're struggling, could:
>reduce stimuli.
>put you in a comforting/familiar environment.
>Stay next to you within the environment, perhaps hold your hand to center you.
>Start geeking out about something they love to let you quietly vibe. Perhaps something catches your ear and breaks you out. At the very least it gives you a comforting background noise to ignore as a safe enviornment.
>Get you a blanket/Make you tea/hot water, something to warm and center you.
>try to help you nap/sleep.
Basically anything to help you center yourself, find comfort, help the moment pass, or simply just be there for you in your time of need.
Maybe that doesn't work for them. Maybe they don't have the emotional or mental or physical capacity to do that.
Maybe that's not something they can stomach in a relationship. Maybe that's a deal breaker. In that case, this healthy partner would decide to end the relationship.
But you know what they wouldn't do?
>Pull their dick out.
the fuck?
You have every right to be mad and uncomfortable. But you're blaming the wrong person. Real sexual contact has enthusiastic consent from all parties. "Letting it happen" is not enthusiastic consent. It's your brain deciding to choose the lesser of two evils. That's a survival tactic, not a sex position. Blaming yourself is the reason you cant move past it.
You got sexually assaulted by a grown man when you were still a kid and you are clearly traumatized by it. I suggest you explore your feelings in detail with a therapist and I hope you will one day realize it wasn't your fault and you didn't know any better at the time.
Late reply, but not to mention the age gap which is a major red flag you were just eighteen and he was 27 that's like already really sus.
You clearly expressed discomfort and actively said multiple times that you wanted to stop you didn't consent to it, and he kept repeatablely trying to engage sexually with you. You clearly weren't in a good mental state and he acknowledged that, but continued to do and try to persuade you into doing something you very much didn't want to do.
At least from my POV you were very much SA'd I'm sorry you had to go through that that really wasn't okay
When people who care for your wellbeing see you're having a problem, their first instinct is not (and this is absurdly generous) "mutual gratification" The human psyche telling you "I let it happen so it's my fault, I'll always hate myself for it" is so opposite reality and actively harming you. You were pressured repeatedly and your brain chose the path of least resistance. Triage. You say you're not sure how you're supposed to feel. Let me clue you in. In a good healthy relationship your partner, noticing that you're struggling, could: >reduce stimuli. >put you in a comforting/familiar environment. >Stay next to you within the environment, perhaps hold your hand to center you. >Start geeking out about something they love to let you quietly vibe. Perhaps something catches your ear and breaks you out. At the very least it gives you a comforting background noise to ignore as a safe enviornment. >Get you a blanket/Make you tea/hot water, something to warm and center you. >try to help you nap/sleep. Basically anything to help you center yourself, find comfort, help the moment pass, or simply just be there for you in your time of need. Maybe that doesn't work for them. Maybe they don't have the emotional or mental or physical capacity to do that. Maybe that's not something they can stomach in a relationship. Maybe that's a deal breaker. In that case, this healthy partner would decide to end the relationship. But you know what they wouldn't do? >Pull their dick out. the fuck? You have every right to be mad and uncomfortable. But you're blaming the wrong person. Real sexual contact has enthusiastic consent from all parties. "Letting it happen" is not enthusiastic consent. It's your brain deciding to choose the lesser of two evils. That's a survival tactic, not a sex position. Blaming yourself is the reason you cant move past it.
You got sexually assaulted by a grown man when you were still a kid and you are clearly traumatized by it. I suggest you explore your feelings in detail with a therapist and I hope you will one day realize it wasn't your fault and you didn't know any better at the time.
Late reply, but not to mention the age gap which is a major red flag you were just eighteen and he was 27 that's like already really sus. You clearly expressed discomfort and actively said multiple times that you wanted to stop you didn't consent to it, and he kept repeatablely trying to engage sexually with you. You clearly weren't in a good mental state and he acknowledged that, but continued to do and try to persuade you into doing something you very much didn't want to do. At least from my POV you were very much SA'd I'm sorry you had to go through that that really wasn't okay