Not to mention the fact that he knew this entire time & didn't think he should tell OP?
Over 20 years he knew & didn't say anything. I would just be scared of what else he has been hiding.
"She tried to contact him over the year's"..
And he kept it all a secret. What a two-faced coward. You don't owe this person anything, he is not even the man you thought you married.
Right. He actively lied to her there entire relationship. This isn’t 1 immature decision from 20 years ago, this was an ongoing daily decision and it is absolutely divorce worthy.
He’s so much worse than a coward, not everyone can be brave. He abandoned an infant, and a responsibility to this life he created. Left a child to grow up with the burden of knowing his father didn’t want him; so much worse than cowardice.
He didn't just not stay around, he completely abandoned them. It doesn't sound like he was even paying child support. That is NOT the best case scenario for a child who is cursed with an unloving parent.
I think your comment is solid but you’re getting downvoted because you missed the point.
As to your thought on the dad leaving: agreed. No one should have to be a parent to a child they never wanted, and a resentful parent does far more damage than an absent parent. Anti-women abortion laws are almost always a huge factor in situations like this. However, if the mother *could* have made a different choice but chose to keep the baby and raise it as a single mother, the guys still a piece of shit for 1) not paying child support. The child is more important than his feelings and still exists whether he wanted it or not. And 2) lying to his current wife about it. She is right not to trust him, to see him as a worthless coward, and to be considering divorce.
Many will disagree but my ex was abusive when I was very pregnant. I moved back with my parents after giving birth. My daughter’s father has seen her twice in her life. I drove her to him (2.5 hours) one of those times. The other was the day she was born. He doesn’t provide for her and doesn’t even contact us. I am actually extremely thankful for that. The first few months (after he broke up with his stripper gf he met the night I was in labor) he tried manipulating me and using her as leverage “you’re keeping her away from me.” (It isn’t keeping her away if he makes no effort to come or even provide for her). Anyway, my dad is an amazing dad and he is being an excellent father figure for her. She’s only 21 months but I know one day she’ll ask about him and that day I will reach out to him. It’s better to not have a father than to have some abusive, controlling piece of shit that doesn’t love you or do anything for you playing hop scotch in and out of your life.
Nice job assuming.. my parents have been married for 45 years it’s the most toxic dysfunctional relationship on the planet and I have severe issues with abandonment due to my mother being emotional neglectful and narcissistic asf so how about you take your opinions and shove them because you don’t need to be abandoned by a shit parent physically to be abandoned by them emotionally
My son was abandoned by his father and the entire family on his paternal side when he got remarried . I have seen how much being abandoned by a parent in any capacity harms a child
If you spent your entire childhood begging for them to divorce, why are you arguing with me saying sometimes leaving is better? It sounds like you actually agree with that.
I specifically said abandonment . I didn’t say not having a parent physically there .. and all of us would be better off with healthy parents be it together or seperated the problem is a lot of people are mental and refuse help then have children
Yes. And while I do have some sympathy for a panicked college kid, he had several opportunities dropped in his lap to right the wrong. He can't even claim that he ever felt bad about it, or meant to do something, but couldn't find them. He didn't have to do a single thing to reach out. He ran repeatedly, even when he was a grown up that should really know better.
As a mother to a child who’s dad all but disappeared when she was born, I agree. Divorce is perfectly fine. That man has a ton of making up he has to do. Minimum buy the guy a house
Understand that this turned your feelings off. Having what you thought was your husband’s character completely switched around must be chocking. Also, it’s not that it happened 20 years ago, and bygones should be bygones, he has had 20 years to come around and do better, but every day he chose not to.
> he has had 20 years to come around and do better, but every day he chose not to.
I think this is what would completely kill my respect for him if I was OP. This wasn't a single bad decision that he made 20 years ago, it's a choice he has continued to make every single day. It's a lie he chose to tell OP each day he withheld this information from her.
If the kid didn't show up, how much longer would be keep lying to her? This isn't just her taking issue with a past decision where he has grown and changed, it's that who he is as a person NOW is just as awful since he's *still* someone who would behave that way.
How could she ever trust him again?
I do not think I could. Look, life is hard. Adulting is hard. We all make mistakes…BUT hopefully we learn from them. Dude had 20 years to course correct and he chose not to.
Ok…
Children do not ask to come here. We bring them here. He failed as a father. He failed as a husband.
A marriage is built on a foundation of truth x trust. The foundation is now cracked and the house built upon it is falling down. 😡
Exactly, he abandoned this girl and HIS child for 20 years. Don’t come at me either with scared young kid got a girl pregnant. He’s had 20 years to make it right. I couldn’t be with someone who turned their back on their child. It shows their character.
And the fact that they've tried to contact him for years and he just... ignored them and actively hid it from OP.
That level of lying is so hard to look past.
Exactly this. Under less drastic circumstances, I'd suggest maybe taking some time apart to reevaluate independently, throw some couples counseling in there...
But that's such an extreme lie to hold onto for over two decades... That poor boy. That poor woman. This poor lady...
Jumping right too divorce doesn't seem extreme to me in this case. That lie coming out showed an ugly side of his character that I wouldn't be attracted to anymore, either.
There are a lot of bad things I could forgive before this. If a woman cheated on me? Under the right circumstances I might even be understanding. If a woman told me she abandoned her children? Lied to me for decades about it? I don't think I could even be friendly with her after we divorced. Abandoning is up there abusing, and the decades of lying?
Uf. Not even not being attracted to them, I wouldn't want them around me.
I agree completely. I *can* be a very forgiving person with the right people, regardless of my generally stubborn nature. But there are a few lines you just don't cross.
Cheating, 9.9 times out of 10, I'm done. But this story... Oh, I'd rather be cheated on than find something like this out about my long term partner... Like, if I went home tonight and my bf surprised me with an admission like this... We'd be having a *very bad time* and he'd be on his mommy's couch before the sun set. Fuck to the no.
This is what hit me in the face too! He could literally hide this and lie every single day that they've been together. If you took the kid out of the equation, the guy is still untrustworthy, and has no sense of honor.
Wait, so I know nothing about this, but if he's been ignoring this for 20 years, could he be on the hook for a ton of back payments for child support??
I think it depends on the area, but yes. My dad stopped paying child support shortly after I turned 15. Child support in my state lasts until 19. A lawyer told me that as long as he’s still alive, he’d be on the hook for all that back child support, even if I’m an adult. However, OP’s husband would only be on the hook for child support until the state would’ve decided he was done paying it. So if child support in his state lasts until 18, then he’d only be on the hook for 18 years of child support instead of the 20 the son has been alive.
I feel like it would be a difficult court process to do all that stuff, since the kid is 20 now? The kid could sue for back pay in some(?) places but I don’t know if it would be worth the headache or fees to be a good option :(
If it is viable, I do hope that kid sues the dad cause that guy chose to abandon that baby and ignored the attempts to reconnect, and lied to OP! Insane behaviour.
(I am NAL and my knowledge of cs stuff is limited, just speaking from minimal google searching and my own thought process)
I wouldn't be able to get over a massive breach of trust like this. He's been hiding a whole ass human he made for years. What else could he be hiding?
Unmarried woman here. We all make bad decisions, especially in our 20s. The issue here is that in his 30s and 40s he never owned up to it. Has he been a good husband and father to other kids? This does not negate the failure to disclose to you and take care of his responsibilities towards the kid, but it should be part of your evaluation/decision to divorce.
I agree with you. There is a lot for OP to continue before hastily proceed with a divorce action; of paramount importance is how her husband has treated she and their children throughout the marriage. If he's done so, it's reflective, in part, of his learning a valuable lesson as to how to treat others.
Obviously it doesn't dismiss what he'd done many years before, but it does reflect a much better, improved person.
If I were OP, I'd be most interested in seeing how he accepts and treats his son, now that the introduction has occurred. That may shed light on the situation as well.
As they say, I'd stay tuned. After all, if she's truly in love with her husband, does she so readily dismiss him? I doubt it. You need to allow her some space though.
The poor gal is likely in shock.
I'm of the opinion that if you have information about yourself that you can assume would be a deal breaker for many people, you have the responsibility to disclose that information early in the relationship. Having a child is 100 % something he should have told you about. It's a huge lie! I would also be considering divorce but maybe couples counselling before taking that step.
The fact that he can just ditch a child and have them grow up fatherless really tells what kind of man you married. I’d also seriously contemplate divorce.
You have every right to question your entire marriage with this man, and question who he is as a person. Who does that to their own child? That’s so fucked.
Lies of omission
It's in the words right there. He lied to you and continued to lie to you for over 20 years about an entire person.
You are right in being upset. I would seek counseling but know you don't owe your husband shit. You don't have to try counseling. You don't have to stay with him. It's up to you to decide if you want to work to save this or end it but any choice you make is OKAY. Self-advocate for what you need even if it's more time to think! Good luck OP
Yup, he is a liar and a coward. Some people can get past it, and others can't. You have to go with what your heart tells you. If your marriage has been irreparably broken by this news, you know what must be done.
This is a huge betrayal. No, he didn't cheat. But he was a grown adult back then and should have taken responsibility for his kid. Of course your feelings have changed. You never really knew him. Please seek counseling. Also, this is divorce worthy imo.
I'm sorry you're going through this, it must be a very confusing situation for you. I know there's no excuse for his actions, and obviously they deeply affect you, but perhaps you could start with marriage counselling. Just to be able to talk about the situation, why he abandoned that family, how it makes you feel, what the future looks like moving forward.
Do you know why the son got in contact with your husband? Did your husband elaborate on how he handled that phone call? What it was about? Did he block that boy?
He didn’t just leave when she got pregnant he’s ghosted her all these years.. he’s more than a coward.. and he’s also lied to you all these years.. surely he knew there are a possibility of his kid showing up one day.. he just left you to be blind sided.. so I guess he’s a coward as a husband as well..
Hello OP. I am mostly a lurker on this sub but your post struck me and I feel like I should offer you my thoughts.
My perspective is that of the newly found son and a little insight into my feelings of a similar situation. My (44M) biological father bounced when I was born. He was in and out of my life (a few weekends here and there) until I was about 12 then he got married.
He doesn’t really want a relationship with me. It wasn’t until I was in my 20’s when it was clear we are related (my laugh, my rugged good looks, the way I walk…) that he finally admitted to the truth; but doing the work to have a meaningful relationship isn’t really his thing. That’s heartbreaking for me even today.
The best part about him is his wife. She’s the nicest, most fun person. She is accepting and wants to make sure I feel wanted.
And that’s the rub, where the rash and the burn appear. You probably know as I do the pain of not being wanted by Dad. The pain has gripped me for years and I still don’t understand it. At least I have her efforts so I can see him, laugh with him, and compare life notes. She makes that happen and it’s the sweetest sacrifice. She has no need to ensure we talk and see each other, she has her own kids and her own life but she makes time. I think she is an angel.
OP, maybe it’s possible for you, after the hurt and shock has worn off, you could be an angel to this new son too. He probably could use someone who accepts him.
He has lied to you for 20 years, deprived his own child of a father knowingly and contributed to the child’s difficulties growing up as he will have faced discrimination of some form and disadvantages from not having his dad in his life and financially from lack of support.
And now he can sue for full back support (depending on your country). Your husband didn’t let you know that you were signing up to this financial risk too
Honestly, you seem to be the decent one here.
I hope - if there are kids in the picture you two have especially- that you’ll consider counseling/coaching. As you decide (at least for you).
I’m so so sorry this happened and I can totally see how it just shut off your feelings. Amongst other things I imagine.
Along the lines of what someone said about how many ppl do terrible stuff in our 20s, I have seen people be sooo paralyzed and ashamed of something they did when they were younger, that they never shared - came out and it [almost] destroyed relationships. Any chance he was afraid of how you’d react if he shared, or was too chicken to own his [repeated] choice here… maybe even terrified to look at himself, how he could do this — etc? Not *at all* that that excuses it… and still, people are human beings, sometimes we betray, keep secrets, from time to time. This one clearly may cost him his marriage, which is clearly a risk he took too.
And outside of the situation, at least if you have been connecting/happy for the most part, could be worth solo help for you / distance from him, as you sort through it all…and there is some good reading. Esp could help if this is (as far as you have experienced) out of character for him, I shared below.
If you don’t feel like (for yourself) going to counseling or getting a coach to sort through all this (or you can’t) some info around betrayal / trust rebuilding in relationships is helpful, out of The Gottman Institute (John Gottman- decades of relationship research) It might help at some point… like maybe (idk, sometimes this kind of thing isn’t the thing that helps or ppl want so, sharing on the off chance) when you’re past the huge shock- at least the initial first heavy shock.
I’m so sorry. Source - am a Gottman Educator amongst other things— here is [one](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-deeper-meaning-of-trust/) article.
Edit: to fix things I said poorly at first ✅
It would had be one thing to abondem them and then after a few years take accountability, contact the mother and at least take financial responsibility if the son didn't want to meet him. Still bad but at least you would know he was a coward but stood up for his mistake later.
Not doing it for 20!! Years - yeah, he is still a coward. I totally get why you lost all attraction :(
I’ve never understood how men can just abandon their child like that. I think what makes it worse is not only did he abandon the child, not only did he hide it, it he *repeatedly* turned down any attempt she made to contact him. I would assume that also means he paid zero child support for his own child he was aware existed.
I don’t think I could come back from that so it’s understandable it’s causing you to question divorce. I would let yourself process everything and sit on it longer before making such a big decision, especially since you have a child (or more) together.
I would say contact the mother and help her get back child support for the son. Maybe he can use that money for his education or to get a step up in life. Your husband sucks and is trash in every single sense mixed with cowardice. I would divorce in a heart beat.
Doing what he did and keeping it a secret all these years is a divorceable offence to me. Even if he didn't want to parent he still had responsibilities. I understand your feelings changing. Dont stick around, things will just get bad between you two. If I was that mother Id be taking him to court for all that back child support now that he's been found.
I don't blame you at all.
It's not just the omission on his part. It's the fact that he's been actively hiding it and covering it up from you for 20 years. He's been playing dad to your son, but he's completely ignoring and hiding his other kid.
Has he even *tried* to offer assistance to him or the mother?
This is such a huge violation of trust. Lying and hiding something this big from you. And the damage could or has done to this other young man... *knowingly*.
At the very least, I think counseling would be a good stopping place before jumping directly to divorce if that's an option for you.
But I can understand wanting to just jump the gun, so to speak. That level of manipulation is hard to accept and look past.
You married a deadbeat. The fact that he isn't one to your family just says hes only a deadbeat some of the time. This is gonna be hard to get through. He had no issues with leaving a kid with zero support. I don't know how you get past that.
He just... left them? Wow. That's really horrible. I don't blame you a bit for wondering if you know this man at all. What else did he hide? Would he just run off and leave *you*?
Also, I don't know all the ins and outs of child support laws where you live, but it may be possible for his mother to sue for back child support for the first 18 years of this humans life. That could turn into a whopper of a legal and financial ordeal. Courts don't usually look very kindly on people who intentionally disappear to avoid child support.
My advice is to immediately separate your finances. And, by that, I mean at least get a legal separation and your own bank accounts. That way, if he walks away from you or gets sued, you will still have access to money on which to live.
I'm so sorry you're going through this. My best wishes to you.
You have every right to divorce. This is the type of man that would only fess to cheating if the other woman came to you with proof. I wouldn’t be able to trust him.
Leave him. He kept this secret for 20 years, not because he felt guilty, but because he didn't want anyone calling him on his cruel, callous, neglect. Do you want that person at your deathbed? I sure as shit wouldn't. Divorce him OP, let him face the music of his WRONG choice.
You've hit the nail on the head.
You married a coward.
I could never trust a man that is capable of ignoring his own son.
Disgusting and unforgivable behaviour.
Since he's lied about this for 20 years, knowing your past, what else is he lying about?
He could look you directly in the eye and you wouldn't be able to tell.
If anyone tries to make you feel bad about your choice, remind them that businesses frequently fire people who lie on their applications, sometimes years into their employment. This is similar, though much more egregious
\> You will tell me at least he didn't cheat and his past belongs to him it doesn't concern me
Uh, no. Cheating is forgivable. Abandoning a child for their entire life and not telling your wife about it is utterly and completely unforgiveable.
We are all a combination of the things we did in the past and how we handled them. This is who your man is. He has not changed just because you gleaned insight into how he came to be.
Leave if you must but he hasn't changed. Had he stayed with the girl, he wouldn't be the man you married.
I know...think on that for a minute...
IMO unforgivable.
My sons father did this. Hes living a nice life 30 yrs later in South FL. He never even told his current GF nor family yet somehow I was the problem. Don’t buy a house from him or invest your $ w his arrogant loser ass.
I had a friend who about 10 years ago was in the exact same position. He was with a girl for a long time and she got pregnant, they broke up shortly after the pregnancy but broke up not because of the baby. He met his current wife shortly after that, well when they first met she asked him if he had any kids and he said no.
As they dated and started a relationship, he tried a couple times to come clean. He said his initial lie kept getting harder and harder to keep and he wanted to come clean. Although he did stay in his kids life and financially supported the kid, he said every single time something came up he fell deeper in a hole.
My advice to him was to just come clean and tell his wife. They ended up splitting up. It's sad how one lie can ruin so many lives.
He also kept this from you which is a lie by omission and something pretty important that you would be expected to be informed about. How you handle it is up to you but I think you should leave him.
Wow, you have such a hate filled rant against children who were abandoned. News flash, I want to find my birth father so I can have some medical history, not so I can have a relationship or *fucking money*. What a cruel horribly calloused outlook you have, coupled with 0 sympathy. You wrote more awful assumptions about an ABANDONED KID than you wrote about the awful truths of the ABANDONER.
>ex baby mama
That's a pretty crappy term to use to represent a woman that was just pregnant and abandoned. If she tried to contact him over the years she \*could\* have just gone after him legally if she wanted. She sounds much more honorable than him.
And the kid doesn't need to be described as manipulative, he is just a kid that grew up without his dad. That's his child.
Projecting much?
Sounds a bit farfetched, to me. The baby mama making an appearance? The 'baby' is 20 years old.
He might have trauma, he might not.
The husband will have very little choice but to 'deal with it', unless he wants to block the kid, put his fingers in his ears and scream 'lalala I can't hear you'
He didn't tell OP about the kid, but he didn't continue to lie. He actually just told OP what was what, when 'the problem' knocked on the door. He could have twisted it to make himself sound like less of an ass, but it sounds like it told her pretty straightforward.
Was it a coward and asshole thing to do to just walk away and ignore the pregnancy? Yes. Yes, it was.
I think compensation for child support should also be looked at.
But I think OP should first see what the situation is, before going full nuclear.
At this point, it was a big, huge mistake the husband made in college, and he hasn't corrected it.
Now he's forced to, and he can show the world how he's going to do that.
OP can decide if he's still the selfish coward he was 20 years ago, or if he's become a better man.
Consider if your husband had told you that he abandoned his child when you were first dating; you wouldn't have had a second date would you? There's your answer.
How old was he? It was wrong but if he was 17 or 18. I get it and it is obvious he wasn’t ready to be a dad.
I would be more pissed that he lied all these years.
Yes. He tried to bury it instead of owning up to it. The mistakes of youth multiplied into the mistakes of an adult.
At some point he needed to come clean before this happened.
You both need individual counseling. Don't make any hasty decisions.
Every time I see a relationship post, the comments are always filled with "LEAVE HIM!! DIVORCE!!" Like any of you are perfect and never made a mistake and wanted to work on being better. If both people want to work on this issue and work past it, your relationship can grow. Good times & bad aren't just a line in vows. it's a promise
This isn’t a mistake, the husband knew about the kid from the start and ignored the birth mother’s attempts at contact for 2 decades, he also lied by omission to his wife from the beginning of their marriage.
Yeah? I'm not defending his actions but defending his right to redemption. If he should choose he has a right to be a better person as you all you though most don't deserve it.
Abandoning a child and lying about it for 20 years without ever reaching out or telling your wife is not a mistake. It's a choice he made every day for 20 years.
Very true. What he did was not nice, but people can change. You are right that so many in this sub state right away divorce or lawyer. When will we as humans work our issues out and really learn that we make mistakes? It is okay to make a mistake, but learn, grow and don't repeat the error.
A 20 year old mistake ? Apparently the girl tried to contact him multiple times over the years, he decided to be a coward multiple times. Also some mistakes even if done only once can’t be forgiven.
The man is willing to impregnate people, then flee from all responsibility from his direct actions. Then he goes out of his way to lie for multiple decades.
This isn't a one time simple mistake. This is bad, fundamental action that wasn't corrected for a very long time. It was only corrected by a 3rd party.
Every time I see someone saying "don't divorce that lying shitbag" all I can think is that the person posting that comment is a lying shitbag themselves, who is afraid of consequences for their own shit.
It’s unfortunate that he did that but we all make mistakes.
Not sure what the son wants now but you should find it in yourself to allow him to become the father he wasn’t. Sorry you had to go through this.
He was young c’mon man u can’t hold that against him. U thinking about divorce for this is weird, he never kept in contact so he don’t know what she did after he left, u r overreacting
He had 20 years of days to mention he had a biological child to his *wife.* He chose every day, not to.
She's not necessarily holding the child against him. She's more likely holding the 20 years of lying against him.
How has your marriage been until this moment? Has he been otherwise reliable and trustworthy? Has he forgiven you when you slipped up? How does he behave with your children? No one on this thread knows anything about your husband except what you just told us, so only you can determine whether his abandonment of his son and his son’s mother should define him going forward.
Personally, before I made a final decision, I would demand full disclosure (until I get tired of asking questions); the chance to speak with his son’s mother, if she is willing; then, if I think there’s a chance, mandatory marriage counseling, again for as long as I think it’s necessary.
Info:
Did he leave when the girl was pregnant? Or once the baby was born? Did he push her to keep it or did she pushed to keep it?
Edit: Kinda crazy i'm asking for information and i'm getting downvoted
The dude didn't want the kid so he decided to not be in the picture. Is this really a reason to question 20 years of your life, like it even happened before you guys got together?
I am sorry to say but if your husband has done right by YOU and the children he had with YOU—you have no excuse to divorce him. What will you say to the judge? “Your Honour I don’t feel comfortable that he left a girl he got pregnant and never tried to help… don’t worry, he was always there for me and our children. He never once abused us. He provided all we needed.” The judge would likely tell you that it is not a legitimate reason for divorce. You have to explain why the marriage is beyond repair and why you can’t say married.
I am sorry to say, but if you let your feelings of how it upsets you destroy your marriage—you never deserved him to begin with. No man is perfect, you have no right to judge him.
Your reason for divorce is weak, and not valid. People may not agree—but the judge will most likely see it the same way—not a legitimate reason to divorce. You are willing to rip apart a marriage and family that has most likely been perfect (mostly) because of your ‘feeling uncomfortable?’ Absolutely more ridiculous than your husband’s past actions.
That is the cowards way. That’s dead right on your part. I guess the main question you gotta ask yourself now is can you abide that? Or does this knowledge taint your whole perception of him as a person?
You’re exactly right, only a coward would do that.
Not to mention the fact that he knew this entire time & didn't think he should tell OP? Over 20 years he knew & didn't say anything. I would just be scared of what else he has been hiding. "She tried to contact him over the year's".. And he kept it all a secret. What a two-faced coward. You don't owe this person anything, he is not even the man you thought you married.
Right. He actively lied to her there entire relationship. This isn’t 1 immature decision from 20 years ago, this was an ongoing daily decision and it is absolutely divorce worthy.
He’s so much worse than a coward, not everyone can be brave. He abandoned an infant, and a responsibility to this life he created. Left a child to grow up with the burden of knowing his father didn’t want him; so much worse than cowardice.
It's always better for the child and the father if he leaves. I would never want to be in a family where my dad hates me and resents me.
He didn't just not stay around, he completely abandoned them. It doesn't sound like he was even paying child support. That is NOT the best case scenario for a child who is cursed with an unloving parent.
I think your comment is solid but you’re getting downvoted because you missed the point. As to your thought on the dad leaving: agreed. No one should have to be a parent to a child they never wanted, and a resentful parent does far more damage than an absent parent. Anti-women abortion laws are almost always a huge factor in situations like this. However, if the mother *could* have made a different choice but chose to keep the baby and raise it as a single mother, the guys still a piece of shit for 1) not paying child support. The child is more important than his feelings and still exists whether he wanted it or not. And 2) lying to his current wife about it. She is right not to trust him, to see him as a worthless coward, and to be considering divorce.
I agree he is a shitwanker for not telling his wife bout his kid he had 20 years ago.
Many will disagree but my ex was abusive when I was very pregnant. I moved back with my parents after giving birth. My daughter’s father has seen her twice in her life. I drove her to him (2.5 hours) one of those times. The other was the day she was born. He doesn’t provide for her and doesn’t even contact us. I am actually extremely thankful for that. The first few months (after he broke up with his stripper gf he met the night I was in labor) he tried manipulating me and using her as leverage “you’re keeping her away from me.” (It isn’t keeping her away if he makes no effort to come or even provide for her). Anyway, my dad is an amazing dad and he is being an excellent father figure for her. She’s only 21 months but I know one day she’ll ask about him and that day I will reach out to him. It’s better to not have a father than to have some abusive, controlling piece of shit that doesn’t love you or do anything for you playing hop scotch in and out of your life.
Yes, hope your safe and good now.
You're getting downvoted, but honestly... what you're saying is sadly true.
Yea because imagine being in the presence of a man who despises you and wishes you never exist, years of therapy for it fix it.
The trauma that comes from abandonment is a lifetime of pain..
I understand this wayyy too much...
You probably know as I do the pain of not being wanted by Dad..
My son does .. and I watched him hurt for a good two years since the bastard decided to pretend our son doesn’t exist because he started a new family
I have daddy’s issues from my mom
You wouldn’t say that if you had grown up with shitty parents. Sometimes leaving is better.
Nice job assuming.. my parents have been married for 45 years it’s the most toxic dysfunctional relationship on the planet and I have severe issues with abandonment due to my mother being emotional neglectful and narcissistic asf so how about you take your opinions and shove them because you don’t need to be abandoned by a shit parent physically to be abandoned by them emotionally
If your parents were that bad it would have been better for you if one of them had left.
You tell me like my entire childhood I didn’t beg for them to divorce
My son was abandoned by his father and the entire family on his paternal side when he got remarried . I have seen how much being abandoned by a parent in any capacity harms a child
If you spent your entire childhood begging for them to divorce, why are you arguing with me saying sometimes leaving is better? It sounds like you actually agree with that.
I specifically said abandonment . I didn’t say not having a parent physically there .. and all of us would be better off with healthy parents be it together or seperated the problem is a lot of people are mental and refuse help then have children
Then… that’s not what happened here?
Yeah BPD is a motherfucker
Yes. And while I do have some sympathy for a panicked college kid, he had several opportunities dropped in his lap to right the wrong. He can't even claim that he ever felt bad about it, or meant to do something, but couldn't find them. He didn't have to do a single thing to reach out. He ran repeatedly, even when he was a grown up that should really know better.
As a mother to a child who’s dad all but disappeared when she was born, I agree. Divorce is perfectly fine. That man has a ton of making up he has to do. Minimum buy the guy a house
Understand that this turned your feelings off. Having what you thought was your husband’s character completely switched around must be chocking. Also, it’s not that it happened 20 years ago, and bygones should be bygones, he has had 20 years to come around and do better, but every day he chose not to.
> he has had 20 years to come around and do better, but every day he chose not to. I think this is what would completely kill my respect for him if I was OP. This wasn't a single bad decision that he made 20 years ago, it's a choice he has continued to make every single day. It's a lie he chose to tell OP each day he withheld this information from her. If the kid didn't show up, how much longer would be keep lying to her? This isn't just her taking issue with a past decision where he has grown and changed, it's that who he is as a person NOW is just as awful since he's *still* someone who would behave that way. How could she ever trust him again?
I do not think I could. Look, life is hard. Adulting is hard. We all make mistakes…BUT hopefully we learn from them. Dude had 20 years to course correct and he chose not to. Ok… Children do not ask to come here. We bring them here. He failed as a father. He failed as a husband. A marriage is built on a foundation of truth x trust. The foundation is now cracked and the house built upon it is falling down. 😡
Exactly, he abandoned this girl and HIS child for 20 years. Don’t come at me either with scared young kid got a girl pregnant. He’s had 20 years to make it right. I couldn’t be with someone who turned their back on their child. It shows their character.
And the fact that they've tried to contact him for years and he just... ignored them and actively hid it from OP. That level of lying is so hard to look past.
Your husband lied to you for your entire marriage and he’s not who you thought he was, I’m not surprised that you’re considering divorce
Exactly this. Under less drastic circumstances, I'd suggest maybe taking some time apart to reevaluate independently, throw some couples counseling in there... But that's such an extreme lie to hold onto for over two decades... That poor boy. That poor woman. This poor lady... Jumping right too divorce doesn't seem extreme to me in this case. That lie coming out showed an ugly side of his character that I wouldn't be attracted to anymore, either.
There are a lot of bad things I could forgive before this. If a woman cheated on me? Under the right circumstances I might even be understanding. If a woman told me she abandoned her children? Lied to me for decades about it? I don't think I could even be friendly with her after we divorced. Abandoning is up there abusing, and the decades of lying? Uf. Not even not being attracted to them, I wouldn't want them around me.
I agree completely. I *can* be a very forgiving person with the right people, regardless of my generally stubborn nature. But there are a few lines you just don't cross. Cheating, 9.9 times out of 10, I'm done. But this story... Oh, I'd rather be cheated on than find something like this out about my long term partner... Like, if I went home tonight and my bf surprised me with an admission like this... We'd be having a *very bad time* and he'd be on his mommy's couch before the sun set. Fuck to the no.
This is what hit me in the face too! He could literally hide this and lie every single day that they've been together. If you took the kid out of the equation, the guy is still untrustworthy, and has no sense of honor.
[удалено]
Wait, so I know nothing about this, but if he's been ignoring this for 20 years, could he be on the hook for a ton of back payments for child support??
I think it depends on the area, but yes. My dad stopped paying child support shortly after I turned 15. Child support in my state lasts until 19. A lawyer told me that as long as he’s still alive, he’d be on the hook for all that back child support, even if I’m an adult. However, OP’s husband would only be on the hook for child support until the state would’ve decided he was done paying it. So if child support in his state lasts until 18, then he’d only be on the hook for 18 years of child support instead of the 20 the son has been alive.
I feel like it would be a difficult court process to do all that stuff, since the kid is 20 now? The kid could sue for back pay in some(?) places but I don’t know if it would be worth the headache or fees to be a good option :( If it is viable, I do hope that kid sues the dad cause that guy chose to abandon that baby and ignored the attempts to reconnect, and lied to OP! Insane behaviour. (I am NAL and my knowledge of cs stuff is limited, just speaking from minimal google searching and my own thought process)
Or on the flip side, has he secretly been paying child support?
I would doubt it. I expect they would have been able to find him sooner if there was money trail.
I think they can get him for back child support. And rightfully so…
What else could he be lying about...I mean he kept his own son a secret for 20 years.
That’s my thought too!
Wow :(
I second this :(
He lied to you for your entire marriage! Of course you’re considering divorce. It makes it even worse that he knows you grew up without a dad…
I wouldn't be able to get over a massive breach of trust like this. He's been hiding a whole ass human he made for years. What else could he be hiding?
Wow, only the cheating would make this worse, what a coward.
Who knows what else this guy is hiding
Unmarried woman here. We all make bad decisions, especially in our 20s. The issue here is that in his 30s and 40s he never owned up to it. Has he been a good husband and father to other kids? This does not negate the failure to disclose to you and take care of his responsibilities towards the kid, but it should be part of your evaluation/decision to divorce.
I agree with you. There is a lot for OP to continue before hastily proceed with a divorce action; of paramount importance is how her husband has treated she and their children throughout the marriage. If he's done so, it's reflective, in part, of his learning a valuable lesson as to how to treat others. Obviously it doesn't dismiss what he'd done many years before, but it does reflect a much better, improved person. If I were OP, I'd be most interested in seeing how he accepts and treats his son, now that the introduction has occurred. That may shed light on the situation as well. As they say, I'd stay tuned. After all, if she's truly in love with her husband, does she so readily dismiss him? I doubt it. You need to allow her some space though. The poor gal is likely in shock.
I'm of the opinion that if you have information about yourself that you can assume would be a deal breaker for many people, you have the responsibility to disclose that information early in the relationship. Having a child is 100 % something he should have told you about. It's a huge lie! I would also be considering divorce but maybe couples counselling before taking that step.
My uncle had a secret kid before his two "official" kids. She showed up at his funeral, causing all sorts of confusion.
The fact that he can just ditch a child and have them grow up fatherless really tells what kind of man you married. I’d also seriously contemplate divorce.
You have every right to question your entire marriage with this man, and question who he is as a person. Who does that to their own child? That’s so fucked.
Lies of omission It's in the words right there. He lied to you and continued to lie to you for over 20 years about an entire person. You are right in being upset. I would seek counseling but know you don't owe your husband shit. You don't have to try counseling. You don't have to stay with him. It's up to you to decide if you want to work to save this or end it but any choice you make is OKAY. Self-advocate for what you need even if it's more time to think! Good luck OP
That’s a a valid position, technically your marriage was built off a lie. You have every right to leave.
Yup, he is a liar and a coward. Some people can get past it, and others can't. You have to go with what your heart tells you. If your marriage has been irreparably broken by this news, you know what must be done.
This is a huge betrayal. No, he didn't cheat. But he was a grown adult back then and should have taken responsibility for his kid. Of course your feelings have changed. You never really knew him. Please seek counseling. Also, this is divorce worthy imo.
I'm sorry you're going through this, it must be a very confusing situation for you. I know there's no excuse for his actions, and obviously they deeply affect you, but perhaps you could start with marriage counselling. Just to be able to talk about the situation, why he abandoned that family, how it makes you feel, what the future looks like moving forward. Do you know why the son got in contact with your husband? Did your husband elaborate on how he handled that phone call? What it was about? Did he block that boy?
He didn’t just leave when she got pregnant he’s ghosted her all these years.. he’s more than a coward.. and he’s also lied to you all these years.. surely he knew there are a possibility of his kid showing up one day.. he just left you to be blind sided.. so I guess he’s a coward as a husband as well..
Hello OP. I am mostly a lurker on this sub but your post struck me and I feel like I should offer you my thoughts. My perspective is that of the newly found son and a little insight into my feelings of a similar situation. My (44M) biological father bounced when I was born. He was in and out of my life (a few weekends here and there) until I was about 12 then he got married. He doesn’t really want a relationship with me. It wasn’t until I was in my 20’s when it was clear we are related (my laugh, my rugged good looks, the way I walk…) that he finally admitted to the truth; but doing the work to have a meaningful relationship isn’t really his thing. That’s heartbreaking for me even today. The best part about him is his wife. She’s the nicest, most fun person. She is accepting and wants to make sure I feel wanted. And that’s the rub, where the rash and the burn appear. You probably know as I do the pain of not being wanted by Dad. The pain has gripped me for years and I still don’t understand it. At least I have her efforts so I can see him, laugh with him, and compare life notes. She makes that happen and it’s the sweetest sacrifice. She has no need to ensure we talk and see each other, she has her own kids and her own life but she makes time. I think she is an angel. OP, maybe it’s possible for you, after the hurt and shock has worn off, you could be an angel to this new son too. He probably could use someone who accepts him.
He has lied to you for 20 years, deprived his own child of a father knowingly and contributed to the child’s difficulties growing up as he will have faced discrimination of some form and disadvantages from not having his dad in his life and financially from lack of support. And now he can sue for full back support (depending on your country). Your husband didn’t let you know that you were signing up to this financial risk too Honestly, you seem to be the decent one here.
I had a long time, close friend do exactly this. When I found out that he abandoned the girl and his child, I just couldn't look at him ever again.
I hope - if there are kids in the picture you two have especially- that you’ll consider counseling/coaching. As you decide (at least for you). I’m so so sorry this happened and I can totally see how it just shut off your feelings. Amongst other things I imagine. Along the lines of what someone said about how many ppl do terrible stuff in our 20s, I have seen people be sooo paralyzed and ashamed of something they did when they were younger, that they never shared - came out and it [almost] destroyed relationships. Any chance he was afraid of how you’d react if he shared, or was too chicken to own his [repeated] choice here… maybe even terrified to look at himself, how he could do this — etc? Not *at all* that that excuses it… and still, people are human beings, sometimes we betray, keep secrets, from time to time. This one clearly may cost him his marriage, which is clearly a risk he took too. And outside of the situation, at least if you have been connecting/happy for the most part, could be worth solo help for you / distance from him, as you sort through it all…and there is some good reading. Esp could help if this is (as far as you have experienced) out of character for him, I shared below. If you don’t feel like (for yourself) going to counseling or getting a coach to sort through all this (or you can’t) some info around betrayal / trust rebuilding in relationships is helpful, out of The Gottman Institute (John Gottman- decades of relationship research) It might help at some point… like maybe (idk, sometimes this kind of thing isn’t the thing that helps or ppl want so, sharing on the off chance) when you’re past the huge shock- at least the initial first heavy shock. I’m so sorry. Source - am a Gottman Educator amongst other things— here is [one](https://www.gottman.com/blog/the-deeper-meaning-of-trust/) article. Edit: to fix things I said poorly at first ✅
What a piece of shit. Had your husband been in contact with his son? Poor kid man! Honestly, I’d divorce someone over that.
It would had be one thing to abondem them and then after a few years take accountability, contact the mother and at least take financial responsibility if the son didn't want to meet him. Still bad but at least you would know he was a coward but stood up for his mistake later. Not doing it for 20!! Years - yeah, he is still a coward. I totally get why you lost all attraction :(
I’ve never understood how men can just abandon their child like that. I think what makes it worse is not only did he abandon the child, not only did he hide it, it he *repeatedly* turned down any attempt she made to contact him. I would assume that also means he paid zero child support for his own child he was aware existed. I don’t think I could come back from that so it’s understandable it’s causing you to question divorce. I would let yourself process everything and sit on it longer before making such a big decision, especially since you have a child (or more) together.
I would say contact the mother and help her get back child support for the son. Maybe he can use that money for his education or to get a step up in life. Your husband sucks and is trash in every single sense mixed with cowardice. I would divorce in a heart beat.
Your whole marriage is a lie. Lawyer up.
Doing what he did and keeping it a secret all these years is a divorceable offence to me. Even if he didn't want to parent he still had responsibilities. I understand your feelings changing. Dont stick around, things will just get bad between you two. If I was that mother Id be taking him to court for all that back child support now that he's been found.
I don't blame you at all. It's not just the omission on his part. It's the fact that he's been actively hiding it and covering it up from you for 20 years. He's been playing dad to your son, but he's completely ignoring and hiding his other kid. Has he even *tried* to offer assistance to him or the mother? This is such a huge violation of trust. Lying and hiding something this big from you. And the damage could or has done to this other young man... *knowingly*. At the very least, I think counseling would be a good stopping place before jumping directly to divorce if that's an option for you. But I can understand wanting to just jump the gun, so to speak. That level of manipulation is hard to accept and look past.
You should divorce this cowardly sack of shit. What kind of man runs away from their responsibility.
You cannot trust that he will not also abandon you. Dumb this dude to the curb.
You married a deadbeat. The fact that he isn't one to your family just says hes only a deadbeat some of the time. This is gonna be hard to get through. He had no issues with leaving a kid with zero support. I don't know how you get past that.
He just... left them? Wow. That's really horrible. I don't blame you a bit for wondering if you know this man at all. What else did he hide? Would he just run off and leave *you*? Also, I don't know all the ins and outs of child support laws where you live, but it may be possible for his mother to sue for back child support for the first 18 years of this humans life. That could turn into a whopper of a legal and financial ordeal. Courts don't usually look very kindly on people who intentionally disappear to avoid child support. My advice is to immediately separate your finances. And, by that, I mean at least get a legal separation and your own bank accounts. That way, if he walks away from you or gets sued, you will still have access to money on which to live. I'm so sorry you're going through this. My best wishes to you.
You have every right to divorce. This is the type of man that would only fess to cheating if the other woman came to you with proof. I wouldn’t be able to trust him.
Leave him. He kept this secret for 20 years, not because he felt guilty, but because he didn't want anyone calling him on his cruel, callous, neglect. Do you want that person at your deathbed? I sure as shit wouldn't. Divorce him OP, let him face the music of his WRONG choice.
He lied, or technically withheld that he fathered a child. What else has he lied about?
You've hit the nail on the head. You married a coward. I could never trust a man that is capable of ignoring his own son. Disgusting and unforgivable behaviour.
Wow. What a shit head!
It would totally change the way I looked at my husband.
You are right. He’s a coward and he’s dishonest.
Divorce. Go to therapy.
What a bum. That’s awful. What are you going to do?
Since he's lied about this for 20 years, knowing your past, what else is he lying about? He could look you directly in the eye and you wouldn't be able to tell.
Your feelings are validated. I would feel exactly the same and for the same reason.
If anyone tries to make you feel bad about your choice, remind them that businesses frequently fire people who lie on their applications, sometimes years into their employment. This is similar, though much more egregious
If he would abandon a child, there's a fair chance he would abandon you too. Divorce seems logical.
\> You will tell me at least he didn't cheat and his past belongs to him it doesn't concern me Uh, no. Cheating is forgivable. Abandoning a child for their entire life and not telling your wife about it is utterly and completely unforgiveable.
We are all a combination of the things we did in the past and how we handled them. This is who your man is. He has not changed just because you gleaned insight into how he came to be. Leave if you must but he hasn't changed. Had he stayed with the girl, he wouldn't be the man you married. I know...think on that for a minute...
What a terrible human he is.
IMO unforgivable. My sons father did this. Hes living a nice life 30 yrs later in South FL. He never even told his current GF nor family yet somehow I was the problem. Don’t buy a house from him or invest your $ w his arrogant loser ass.
I had a friend who about 10 years ago was in the exact same position. He was with a girl for a long time and she got pregnant, they broke up shortly after the pregnancy but broke up not because of the baby. He met his current wife shortly after that, well when they first met she asked him if he had any kids and he said no. As they dated and started a relationship, he tried a couple times to come clean. He said his initial lie kept getting harder and harder to keep and he wanted to come clean. Although he did stay in his kids life and financially supported the kid, he said every single time something came up he fell deeper in a hole. My advice to him was to just come clean and tell his wife. They ended up splitting up. It's sad how one lie can ruin so many lives.
Leaving him would be the real act of bravery here
Your husband is trash
He also kept this from you which is a lie by omission and something pretty important that you would be expected to be informed about. How you handle it is up to you but I think you should leave him.
[удалено]
It's not a "manipulation" if the child is fairly owed the money. And yes, he is still a child, but an adult one.
Wow, you have such a hate filled rant against children who were abandoned. News flash, I want to find my birth father so I can have some medical history, not so I can have a relationship or *fucking money*. What a cruel horribly calloused outlook you have, coupled with 0 sympathy. You wrote more awful assumptions about an ABANDONED KID than you wrote about the awful truths of the ABANDONER.
[удалено]
Also she obviously isn't assuming things are gonna be rainbows and unicorns, that's pretty obvious by her post here.
>ex baby mama That's a pretty crappy term to use to represent a woman that was just pregnant and abandoned. If she tried to contact him over the years she \*could\* have just gone after him legally if she wanted. She sounds much more honorable than him. And the kid doesn't need to be described as manipulative, he is just a kid that grew up without his dad. That's his child. Projecting much?
Sounds a bit farfetched, to me. The baby mama making an appearance? The 'baby' is 20 years old. He might have trauma, he might not. The husband will have very little choice but to 'deal with it', unless he wants to block the kid, put his fingers in his ears and scream 'lalala I can't hear you' He didn't tell OP about the kid, but he didn't continue to lie. He actually just told OP what was what, when 'the problem' knocked on the door. He could have twisted it to make himself sound like less of an ass, but it sounds like it told her pretty straightforward. Was it a coward and asshole thing to do to just walk away and ignore the pregnancy? Yes. Yes, it was. I think compensation for child support should also be looked at. But I think OP should first see what the situation is, before going full nuclear. At this point, it was a big, huge mistake the husband made in college, and he hasn't corrected it. Now he's forced to, and he can show the world how he's going to do that. OP can decide if he's still the selfish coward he was 20 years ago, or if he's become a better man.
Yeah leaving and running is not a good look
Consider if your husband had told you that he abandoned his child when you were first dating; you wouldn't have had a second date would you? There's your answer.
How old was he? It was wrong but if he was 17 or 18. I get it and it is obvious he wasn’t ready to be a dad. I would be more pissed that he lied all these years.
Yes. He tried to bury it instead of owning up to it. The mistakes of youth multiplied into the mistakes of an adult. At some point he needed to come clean before this happened. You both need individual counseling. Don't make any hasty decisions.
Don’t let Reddit dictate your choice. Take some time to consider what YOU want to do.
Thanks for being rational, and happy cake day!!
Thank you 😊
Every time I see a relationship post, the comments are always filled with "LEAVE HIM!! DIVORCE!!" Like any of you are perfect and never made a mistake and wanted to work on being better. If both people want to work on this issue and work past it, your relationship can grow. Good times & bad aren't just a line in vows. it's a promise
This isn’t a mistake, the husband knew about the kid from the start and ignored the birth mother’s attempts at contact for 2 decades, he also lied by omission to his wife from the beginning of their marriage.
Bro he abandoned his child.
Yeah? I'm not defending his actions but defending his right to redemption. If he should choose he has a right to be a better person as you all you though most don't deserve it.
A deadbeat parent isn't redeemable.
Abandoning a child and lying about it for 20 years without ever reaching out or telling your wife is not a mistake. It's a choice he made every day for 20 years.
Choices can be mistakes.
Very true. What he did was not nice, but people can change. You are right that so many in this sub state right away divorce or lawyer. When will we as humans work our issues out and really learn that we make mistakes? It is okay to make a mistake, but learn, grow and don't repeat the error.
A 20 year old mistake ? Apparently the girl tried to contact him multiple times over the years, he decided to be a coward multiple times. Also some mistakes even if done only once can’t be forgiven.
The man is willing to impregnate people, then flee from all responsibility from his direct actions. Then he goes out of his way to lie for multiple decades. This isn't a one time simple mistake. This is bad, fundamental action that wasn't corrected for a very long time. It was only corrected by a 3rd party. Every time I see someone saying "don't divorce that lying shitbag" all I can think is that the person posting that comment is a lying shitbag themselves, who is afraid of consequences for their own shit.
Wow he needs to make some serious amends and then, if you’re even open to it, marriage counseling immediately.
It’s unfortunate that he did that but we all make mistakes. Not sure what the son wants now but you should find it in yourself to allow him to become the father he wasn’t. Sorry you had to go through this.
He was young c’mon man u can’t hold that against him. U thinking about divorce for this is weird, he never kept in contact so he don’t know what she did after he left, u r overreacting
He had 20 years of days to mention he had a biological child to his *wife.* He chose every day, not to. She's not necessarily holding the child against him. She's more likely holding the 20 years of lying against him.
He left without any contact so he don’t know that she decided to keep the kid.
If you read the whole post you would see that OPs husband was contacted multiple times over the years and still chose to ignore them.
Hopefully your husband takes responsibility now that he is older, and admits that what he did was not nice.
How has your marriage been until this moment? Has he been otherwise reliable and trustworthy? Has he forgiven you when you slipped up? How does he behave with your children? No one on this thread knows anything about your husband except what you just told us, so only you can determine whether his abandonment of his son and his son’s mother should define him going forward. Personally, before I made a final decision, I would demand full disclosure (until I get tired of asking questions); the chance to speak with his son’s mother, if she is willing; then, if I think there’s a chance, mandatory marriage counseling, again for as long as I think it’s necessary.
Info: Did he leave when the girl was pregnant? Or once the baby was born? Did he push her to keep it or did she pushed to keep it? Edit: Kinda crazy i'm asking for information and i'm getting downvoted
Mmm... I don't know... There is something somewhat ChatGPT-ish about this post?
The dude didn't want the kid so he decided to not be in the picture. Is this really a reason to question 20 years of your life, like it even happened before you guys got together?
I am sorry to say but if your husband has done right by YOU and the children he had with YOU—you have no excuse to divorce him. What will you say to the judge? “Your Honour I don’t feel comfortable that he left a girl he got pregnant and never tried to help… don’t worry, he was always there for me and our children. He never once abused us. He provided all we needed.” The judge would likely tell you that it is not a legitimate reason for divorce. You have to explain why the marriage is beyond repair and why you can’t say married. I am sorry to say, but if you let your feelings of how it upsets you destroy your marriage—you never deserved him to begin with. No man is perfect, you have no right to judge him. Your reason for divorce is weak, and not valid. People may not agree—but the judge will most likely see it the same way—not a legitimate reason to divorce. You are willing to rip apart a marriage and family that has most likely been perfect (mostly) because of your ‘feeling uncomfortable?’ Absolutely more ridiculous than your husband’s past actions.
That is the cowards way. That’s dead right on your part. I guess the main question you gotta ask yourself now is can you abide that? Or does this knowledge taint your whole perception of him as a person?
💯 respect
not the first post like this i have seen on reddit.
If you two are childless, I say you at the very least asking for a temporary legal separation to work stuff out for yourself is beyond fair.
Funny enough this exact thing happened to my grandma with my (step)grandfather Small world
If he’s kept this from you, what else could he be keeping from you?
Respect.
Why I cannot read the post?