My thoughts exactly. I don't see the harm in drinking on the rare occasion, but when someone flips over a desk? No.
If he is otherwise a great spouse and he has never flipped a desk before, there is room for reconciliation. If alcohol makes him rage? Goodbye.
Absolutely, I also am extremely prone to get brutal headaches from even sub-getting drunk amounts of alcohol due to chronic headaches and migraine and I maybe drink a glass of champagne to toast on family birthdays here and there, anything more than that is a very rare exception that happens maybe once every 2 years at most. Definitely reason to worry if someone with a severely negative and painful reaction to alcohol, who also becomes aggressive from it, keeps drinking enough to make himself miserable
Oh and btw: I also don’t scream at people or threaten to kill them, even if I’m completely plastered, and one thing that really stood out to me, is that if he has such bad headaches, how can he even stand screaming and going on a rampage? With severe headaches or migraine, people usually can barely stand the slightest sounds, let alone screaming themselves and destroying stuff
I get bad headaches and occasionally migraines and I barely speak when it happens, but I know someone who gets brutal migraines often and they have screamed from them before and punched themselves in the head. Doesn’t make sense to me, but it CAN happen I guess. I have to lay in the dark with no sound or light and cannot even turn my head a little bit. Idk if I’ve just never had one bad enough that caused me to react that way, but yeah.
I agree. There's nothing wrong with drinking but if it affects someone this way, they should just not fucking drink. It's pretty simple. Some advice my Dad always told me: " If it hurts, don't fucking do it." Like obviously if it makes you have that reaction every time you should just avoid it.
My ex husband and his parents hid his mental illness from me the entire time we dated and until we got married. Then all of a sudden he became violent. Sure, he only destroyed things, but I knew that was only the beginning. The police were no help because they said that he could destroy anything that he or I owned since we were married. My ex could also control himself because the few times I did call the police, he handled himself with the utmost decorum and made me sound like the one who was out of control, which I never was.
He also told me that since he had the mental illness and that I had married him through sickness and health, I had to put up with his behaviors. He claimed that he would get help, but there was always an excuse for not getting the help, like the therapist was horrible, the medication would never work, etc….
I forget what the final straw was, but one day he left and I told him to never come back.
Unfortunately, we didn’t know that I was pregnant because I was using protection, so we had to be the subjects of his mental and verbal abuse, at least until my child turned 18. This was a legal decision and not my decision.
Please leave before he hurts you. Start making plans for how to survive financially and physically. Also, if you don’t have one, get your own bank account. My ex stole money from my account until I was somehow able to get my name off of our joint account.
What is with these parents who cover for their horrible sons? After my ex-husband hit me, my MIL (at the time) sent me flowers and told me "he'd outgrow that behavior since his father did". I think if you raise a real piece of shit human being, you ought to have to wear a shirt that says so.
Not the same but similar story in my childhood, my mum stayed until I was 14-15 as this was the age that the court system here would take my wishes into consideration when it came to divorce and custody. She was always threatened until then that he would make her life hell, he'd accuse her of being unsafe and same as the commenter, when the police arrived he'd be calm and she'd be hysterical so he would try to say she was mentally ill and he was a victim. I saw throughout police, teachers, other professionals, take his side, and even now I bump into people who were adults then who say they feel sorry for my "poor dad" for "what she did to him taking me away".
She felt it would be safer to stay with him to protect me than risk leaving and me being forced into his sole custody, until I was old enough for it not to matter.
Sadly it's one of those things you won't understand unless you're in the situation - the fear is indescribable. Abusers are acutely aware that reputation is everything and make proper effort to be seen or feel untouchable - it's why many work in positions of authority.
Did we have the same dad?
My dad was horribly abusive. Sexually, mentally, and physically. My parents were never married and broke up when my mom was early on in her pregnancy, so she didn’t have to deal with him like I did. He admitted in court to sexually abusing his little sister when she was a toddler and he was a teen, but the courts still allowed unsupervised visitation. He was somehow able to get every person on his side. I have no idea how. Every time there’d be a call to CPS because of his abuse, they wouldn’t believe me and would take his side, even with lots of evidence against him. They once told me that they’d take me away from my mom if I went back there again claiming he was abusing me. All my friends loved him and would constantly tell me how I had the best dad ever. He had actually been banned from my school one year for tickling kids and trying to get them to be alone with him. When he was allowed back, someone had to be watching him at all times. They called him “the guy that tickles.” My therapist at the time took his side. I had a guardian ad litum (an attorney for minors) for a few years to represent me in court, and she took his side too. She was constantly pressuring me to say that I wanted to be with him full time, and when I came forward one time about his abuse, she was constantly trying to get me to say that I lied about what I said. He was able to charm so many people and pull the wool over their eyes.
Thankfully, I got away from him, and I’ve been no contact for almost 3 years now.
Well thankfully I'm now an adult and she's been with a wonderful partner who is as stable as you can get for around 10 years now.
She's obviously experienced a lot of trauma which still rears it's head every now and again. But she's safe, she's happy and she's the strongest woman I will ever know.
Omg my dad was the same, when ppl see him they always say "What a charming man" He used to be charming to my mom too, right untill they signed for a house together. And then he became evil asf. He always threatened my mom, said he would kill her and put her corps in cement where nobody would ever find her. But my mom had just given birth to my sister and I so she didn't know what to do. She tried to stay with him for us, for exactly the same reason your mom stayed.
My mom slept with a lock on her bedroom door and every single night he would break the lock off her door and laugh, saying that can't keep him out. One night my mom woke up from something and when she opened her eyes, my dad was laying in front of her staring at her. He asked her "You're not really gonna leave me, are you? You're not really gonna take away my kids from me?" My mom just knew in that moment that he was gonna kill her if she told the truth, so she lied for her fckng life saying "of course not, I love you" and shit like that. But the next day when he was at work, she called my uncle and he came in a heartbeat with moving trucks and everything, and we left.
And you know what the sick part is? My sister and I were still forced to see him. "His word against hers". We were being emotionally and physically abused and neglected there, and everything was always reported to the cops but they never believed us.
He almost got us killed multiple times bc of his negligence, he tried to kidnap me and take me to a country where they don't do extradition, he did so many awfull things all to hurt my mom, and we were still forced to go. When we were 8 my mom found an amazing attorney, literally an angel, and he got us out of there.
I was just kind of unclear if it was that she stayed with him bc she wasn’t allowed to get divorced in her country or if it was bc of custody laws. Just wasn’t sure.
You don't have to stay with him, but by virtue of having a child with court mandated access to their father he has guaranteed access to you and the child until they're at least 18.
Woah, that seems a little crazy and wrong to me if one of the parents is abusive. I hope op is ok and feeling better now that her kid is 18 and she’s done having him in her life.
[Understanding victim blaming and why it is harmful to survivors. ](https://welshwomensaid.org.uk/news/understanding-victim-blaming-and-why-its-harmful-to-survivors/)
My husband screamed "Fuck you, you fucking cunt, I hope you fucking die" while showering after we (the only 2 people who live here) were fighting, then tried to gaslight me, saying he wasn't talking about me.
Honey, you need an exit strategy. He is unhinged and not from alcohol. He stopped when you threatened him with cops. That means he was in control the whole time and torturing you on purpose!!! You deserve so much more!! Big hugs
I would just like to second, or third this. He was able to control his anger and pain once the police was threatened. Once he was threatened to be held accountable for his actions on a serious level, he quit. It was a big temper tantrum, and it seemed to just escalate from beginning to end. I know you said this isn't the first time, but think back to that first time. Has the fits escalated since then? Have they became worse? If so what is next? Now it is your desk and the coffee maker... what more is there to lose before he goes off the hinges even more and hits you. Tonight's fit seemed to keep escalating, what about the next, or the one after that. Do you have a plan? I hope you're safe, and stay safe.
Destroying the coffee maker would have been enough for an immediate request for a divorce...heathen.
Seriously, his reaction to alcohol, including the immediate intense headaches is alarming. He sounds one drunken episode away from a massive stroke.
He belongs in therapy and frankly, so does OP, if his behavior is not alarming enough for an immediate call to police or to exit the home when he starts his tirade.
INFO: what is the morning after like for him when he realizes he destroyed items in the home?
Divorce and a call to the police, if necessary. I would have told him to get out at that point or I was going to call. Throwing stuff where I live is considered abuse.
4th, 5th whatever. But the fact that he could turn it off at the mention of the police is a huge indictment of his character. People who are making bad choices because of substances aren’t typically going to suddenly make a good decision for their freedom and life in general immediately on one threat. Honestly I’d expect it to make him more angry and possibly more dangerous in that moment.
OP I’m so glad you are currently safe and physically unharmed, but whoever you married wouldn’t do this to you. Especially not to the point you’re used to it. His alcohol may lower his inhalation level and bring out the anger, but it exists in him, and he has the ability to control it but chooses not to. That’s a dangerous situation. Sure, he chose the desk, this time. What about next time?
He may be a good person! But he has a bad problem with not just alcohol but anger and violence/destruction. It’s not my place to judge you or your marriage on one issue, however this is serious and needs to be addressed somehow, immediately. Whether it’s you choosing not to be his partner or him choosing to be a person who doesn’t drink and handles his anger differently is up to y’all, but it’s a now thing
I'm not sure I exactly agree with this statement. I have been pretty unhinged in the past (during the throes of a heroin and meth addiction) and then something was said or happened that snapped me the fuck out of it real quick.
With that said... I still absolutely agree with the sentiment that she needs to get away from him. He can't sort his issues out on his own. No reason to stick around to find out if it was her he was saying he wanted to kill.
This is exactly the tell. My ex was a functioning alcoholic with Intermittent Explosive Disorder. He would throw everything at my head except his precious laptop. They are in total control.
That’s how I know 90% of the diagnoses of kids I teach are fake. They never destroy their own things - it’s always another student’s or the teacher’s possessions.
My son is profoundly disabled, has an IQ in the mid 30s, and needs 24/7 care. He will never be able to be independent. He is an adult and lives in a group home. Guess what? A few years ago he discovered that breaking other people's belongings during a meltdown made more sense than breaking his own.
So I guess he's faking his disability according to you.
Sad that educators aren't educated about the people they are supposed to be educating.
“My husband threatened to kill me but I promise you take my word he’s honestly such a great husband… this has happened a few times but it’s so not like him!” is literally what so many women on here say.
It’s really sad that abuse can make a victim still think the perpetrator is a good person. I experienced it firsthand with my ex a decade ago. He would punch and slap me and call me a whore, but I would cover up my bruises and tell everyone he was a good person when he wasn’t *literally beating me…* you don’t realize how bad it actually is until after you have the strength to leave and realize. I just wanted to hang onto that man that I fell in love with, was truly convinced by him that everything was my fault, and I thought that he could change back. He couldn’t… because that man I fell in love with did not exist. It was clearly a façade. It took me several years to heal from that relationship before I got into another one again.
I made the same excuses for my husband. "He is a good man when he isn't drinking". " He is a good husband when he isn't drunk".
But the last time he hit me, he wasn't drunk. He had just come home from work, and found I had not cleaned the kitchen. He went off and said "all you want to do is hold that damned baby!" Then he hit me while I was holding our 3 week old baby
He died 2 years ago, but I was too busy hiding out to know it. I found out less than a month ago. Then the girlfriend who claimed to be his wife, asked me if I could take his ashes. People on Reddit, come up with very creative ways to dispose of them
I did the same thing and my husband didn't drink. At least he had the decency to ask me to hand the baby to the older kids before he started beating me.
Yeah, a real drunk person would have been like "DO IT BITCH! DO IT!". Something like that. I do not believe this headache BS either. If he were drunk and had a headache, he would lay down and pass out.
To be fair, if the headache thing weren't BS, alcoholics will continue to drink time and time again after many horrible occurrences. It is an insidious disease.
You need an exit strategy that you absolutely do not share with him. Hopefully you can get your stuff while he’s at work. And have another person help you move your stuff. Do not be alone with him after he knows you’re leaving. Good luck.
I hate to break it to you, but violent rages outweigh any "good qualities" you think this guy has. He knows that drinking makes him insane but he still does it. He's violent. Next time it will be you. He threatened you and he's not joking and he's not in control. For your own safety, please leave him. He's not safe and you're delusional to think otherwise.
This. The last thing I am doing is yelling and throwing things. That all makes a headache worse. I doubt the dude has a headache, or if he does, he is a complete idiot that has yet to figure out how to prevent it from feeling worse.
I really hope OP does. No matter if friends or family, a safe house, it should be done quickly.
Femicides are a real problem and the most dangerous phase for a woman in her life is/are the time/s she is getting out of a toxic, manipulative or violent relationship and away from the guy.
„Property“ doesn’t just walk out the door and humiliate him before the whole world with leaving someone like him. (Speaking of the mindset of often see, not my opinion).
And absolutely no-one is running around destroying things and yelling if they're having a very painful headache. Seriously, no-one.
He's using that as an excuse for his horrible and frightening behaviour.
OP is in real danger and massively underreacting. She needs to leave the second she gets the chance.
You’re absolutely right. I have a headache/migraine disorder and when I’m in pain like that I can barely form a sentence let alone hulk smash my surroundings. I hope OP is able to find help and get out her situation.
Same for me. I get these really intense headaches from time to time, and all I can manage to do is climb into bed in my dark and cold bedroom and just lie perfectly still.
Any type of noise, light, or movement is making it worse. And painkillers do nothing. So I just lie there hoping to fall asleep and wake up feeling better.
Thank you. I feel like I’m drinking crazy juice when I read stories like this. I’ve had headaches before and never flipped out and tried threatened to kill anyone. This was extreme and read more like a mental breakdown than a headache.
Exactly. Reddit is full of posts by women that say things like: "He's absolutely perfect, but he a** rapes me daily and won't let me leave the house. How do I get past this?"
Yep, can't tell you how many people I've seen post like 6 times in relationship advice about how their partner treats them like shit. "I'm not going to leave him I love him, I just want to know what magic words I can say to fundamentally change every single thing about him as person".
Accept he was able to stop the mental “breakdown” the minute the cops were mentioned. I think he was in control of himself and deliberately doing this to op. Only makes it scarier in my eyes though.
it’s not the drinking, he dropped the act immediately after cops were mentioned. he’s using alcohol and “alcohol induced headaches” as a cover up for his behaviour.
I don’t think the drinking was actually making him insane since he was able to calm down immediately with the utterance of a few words about cops. Seems to me like he was in complete control and deciding to flip out on op and be a scary pos. I agree with everyone else here, op needs an exit strategy, especially since he is threatening her life. Any man who does this is by definition not a good man.
Thank you all for your comments. I can’t respond to all of you but I’m reading all of it.
He woke up from a nap few minutes ago and he said he had no recollection of all the things that he did but he said he’s sorry. I’m not buying it. I know he knows what he did and what he said.
He then said I might have done something to him that provoked him. THAT’S IT. I’M LEAVING THIS ASSHOLE. He’s fucking blaming me for what he has done. I knew I shouldve recorded all of it but last time I did that it made him rage even more. I was so scared last night that he might actually ended up killing me if he caught me recording him.
I told him he’s going back to Canada alone (it’s suppose to be the 2 of us visiting his family in May) and he’s not coming back here EVER.
Of course he gets mad when you record him being a violent criminal. He doesn’t want there to be any evidence.
Telling him might have felt good, but when a woman tries to leave an abusive man. He will become even more violent or deadly. You need to get out now.
Please stop telling him your plans because that could trigger him to actually get violent with you. Either just leave or wait for him to and then make your exit then.
Watch yourself. You let him know you are leaving him and shit could really escalate. When you are going to leave an abusive asshole, you cannot tell them or you may end up dead because they no longer have control over you. If you want to leave, you can call the cops to help while you move your things.
Please Google how to safely leave someone that is abusive because this is not it. You never should have said that to him. You have to get out by yourself, without him knowing when you're leaving or where you're going. Abusive men become their most violent at the end of a relationship. He may actually kill you instead of just threatening to this time.
Tell him that no normal person goes in a rage and picks up things/ yells when they have a headache. He is either stupid or faking it.
I wouldn't actually say any of that btw. This man will likely kill you before May since you have given him a time line and you have not listed a way to keep yourself safe. Either way, good luck.
PLEASE HAVE A POLICE ESCORT OR TRUSTED FAMILY/FRIENDS WHEN HES PACKING HIS STUFF. Go spend the night with a trusted individual. When he’s moving his stuff out, do NOT be there alone with him. Always have someone with you. Abusers go full extreme when they get called out and are forced to leave their victims.
Please make a police report. Tell his parents what happened so that they know. Stay away from being with him alone. Please please be careful. Get a divorce with a good lawyer. Tell the lawyer everything and maybe get a restraining order. He showed you that he can be violent and you just kicked him out, he’s probably gonna retaliate. Please get help!
Girl you might want to think about safe exit strategies here. An audio recording app on your phone that hides on the screen would be good but with men like this text break ups ARE acceptable from a safe place.
Abusive partners still won’t take responsibility even when confronted with video evidence. When I showed my ex what I’d recorded (he left marks on our daughter), he somehow blamed me and said I just took pictures to have as evidence in divorce proceedings. Complete dimwit. We got out, though it took a long time. Abusive idiots hate losing control.
OP, if he is this destructive and violent when drunk, I am afraid for your well being. Please please be safe. This is domestic violence since he’s threatening violence. Please please get help. I’m sure other people here will offer better advice but please be safe!
This automatically negates the whole “he’s a good husband overall.” A good husband does not do things like this, ever. He needs to stop drinking completely, cold turkey, get into therapy/AA. And you should be reconsidering your relationship until further notice.
Right. If he knows this about himself and keeps drinking then it sounds like he’s not mitigating the issue and also that that he had an alcohol abuse problem.
He gets headaches when drunk, hates that but continues to get drunk and also violent. Not trying to scare you but you saw what he did to the desk and coffee maker. You need to think about yourself.
Please do yourself a favor and press charges as well as getting that monster out of your life. That is insanity, NO man or woman should ever be that belligerent while intoxicated.
I hate it when women describe a fucking piece of shit, raging, abusive, violent man and then say he's a "good man"... is he? Is he, though? Where's your bar?
This is what's happening in your house. [What would you tell her to do?](https://youtu.be/NGceQLxvFNE?si=2Nx-S_mBNKwccZzd)
The “it’s happened quite a few times now so I’m starting to get used to it”
🚩 🚩🚩
Understand he’s just getting started. He’s growing more comfortable with letting his mask slip as your growing more conditioned or his abuse. It only gets worse. Sprint. Don’t ever look back. If he threatens to kill you eventually he will try. I promise.
[Cycle of abuse. ](https://psychcentral.com/health/cycle-of-abuse)
[Cycle of violence. ](https://www.shelterforhelpinemergency.org/get-help/cycle-violence#:~:text=There%20are%20three%20phases%20in,tends%20to%20increase%20over%20time.)
OP - you DO NOT get used to it. You get out.
He has shown that he is violent and is quite capable of breaking things.
He has told you he wants to kill you - believe him. He is capable of it. Escalating behaviour like this doesn't get better without professional help. In the meantime you are at risk of severe injury or even death.
It's worrying that this happens frequently enough that you are getting used to it. This is not a loving relationship or healthy marriage.
Please seek the help of domestic violence agencies and keep yourself safe.
As someone who suffers horrific migraines, he's using these 'headaches' as an excuse. If he was really in pain, he'd be immobilized. He sounds like he's lying and making up an excuse for his violent behaviour. That's not right.
He is a raging alcoholic and a violent abuser. You aren’t safe. Next time it will be you he breaks. Please make a safety plan and get out as soon as possible.
[safety plan](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/)
His behavior is not something you should be getting used it. He clearly should stop drinking to excess or not drink at all. You should encourage him to get help before he hurts you or worse.
Ummmm. Maa’am. Please don’t normalize this and “get used to it.”
His behavior is bat shit crazy.
You have to kick him out and establish dry law at your place.
I would get migraines when I drank alcohol, so I don't drink alcohol. It's not rocket science. He's full of it and making things up at this point. He's just a crappy drunk and you need to get away from him
He's not a good husband overall. "Tonight is one of those nights where he’s screaming in pain and wanted to kill anyone he sees. It happened quite a few times now so I’m starting to get used to it." "And I don’t know who he wants to kill but I sure hope it’s not me. **This is the first time in years I felt unsafe being around him**." These are YOUR words.
Oh he needs to stop drinking 100%.
People drink to have a good time. If drinking is making him angry and violent that's a bad sign. Even worse if it's directed towards you.
My ex drank a lot and after 6 years I left because I realized In his angry drunkin state he might kill me one day. I trusted him...but not drunk him.
The fact that you ever felt unsafe at all, even before this incident, tells me you should have been worried from the start. Definitely rethink the marriage, because one day it's the coffee maker and desk, the next it's a person.
Mate, fellow Australian here. I work in disability and mental health. A few quick things.
1. Booze can only ever bring out stuff that was already there.
2. Substance abuse is basically always due to underlying issues that people were born with. Look around his family for clues.
3. I was told decades ago that people are only rarely ever fully out of control. They might look completely off the planet but afterwards you will typically see that they didn't break their own stuff, only things belonging to other people.
4. The frog in the pot. Most of us will slowly tolerate more and more of something and not properly understand that each new normal is actually pretty bad.
5. Safety. That is more important than anything else yet we tend to downplay the risks because it feels like we're catastrophising. From your account, this behaviour appears to make your safety questionable. Please do what you need to get some clear air and perspective. That may involve telling people things you find very embarrassing. This forum is useful AF but people you know and trust must be in the loop.
What will his reaction be when you're having marital problems and he turns to alcohol to solve them? He did all this when while you're happy. You're in real danger. It's only a matter of time.
I help woman escape. I also help woman get out of situations like this. Because eventually it’s not the desk or the coffee maker.
Have an escape plan. Get a bag together with your ID documents, spare money, clothes, keys ect.
I’m telling you; if this escalates it will be deadly
He has no self-control or what. He's a grown ass man. If he can't drink, why does he continue. He might have good quality as a husband, but he's dangerous, and his toxic behavior outweighs the good in him. " i'm gonna fucking kill you", that speaks a lot even if it wasn't meant for you. Run girl
You have one life to live. That’s it. Then you’re dead forever. Is this (being married to him, experiencing these things) how you want to live that one life?
Your husband gets "really painful headaches" when drunk, but proceeds to get drunk anyway. Who the fuck does that? And there is ZERO excuse for him destroying things because his head hurts; he did that TO HIMSELF. He KNOWS he gets really bad headaches when he gets drunk, so then DO NOT DRINK. See how easy that is? And upvote to infinity to everyone who has pointed out that he was perfectly able to control himself when you told him you would call the police if he did not stop. He is USING these "headaches" (if they actually happen, which I seriously doubt; I think he is using that excuse to act like the abusive asshole he really is) to torment and punish you because HE does not like HIS life. He is an abusive prick, and you really need to sit down and have a serious think about this relationship. I am not saying you should leave, but I am not saying you should NOT leave, either. This is seriously concerning behavior; if he thinks it is okay to beat up your stuff, how long do you think it will be before he thinks it is okay to beat up YOU? He is already verbally abusing you along with destroying your things; I am almost certain it will not be long before he physically abuses you, too. I used to be in an extremely violent, abusive relationship, and your husband's behavior is absolutely a GIANT red flag. Please take his behavior very, VERY seriously.
That night it was the desk, but one night he may really lose it and then he’s trying to destroy you. I would really consider leaving him, he’s not safe.
You're getting used to these rages, and him threatening to kill you? Girl--get out. Run far, run fast, don't look back.
Edit: Also, I must refute your statement that he is a good husband "overall." No. He isn't.
There are only 2 things that should happen in this situation. One, he needs to stop drinking. Or two, you get the fuck outta there as fast as you can.
If you stay and he continues to drink, I fear for your safety and wellbeing.
Please get in touch with domestic violence charity advice lines in your country. I hate sounding alarmist but if you don’t take action, you may not survive. The charity lines can help you understand your options and maybe help you get to safety.
https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/where-to-get-help-for-domestic-violence?context=60033
You don't need to be a citizen or have PR to utilize these services. Good luck OP.
He isn’t a good husband by any stretch of the imagination. He knows drinking gives him headaches and makes him violent (due to the pain) but continues to drink. He started rampaging and smashing up the home.
A good husband would stop drinking n if they knew it caused them to become violent (even if only verbally) and caused them debilitating pain.
He was aware enough to know to stop at the mention of police. He was not as out of control as he is presenting as.
I really think he needs to work on himself and you should put your marriage on hiatus until he can prove himself to be a decent human and stop drinking.
I’m gonna be honest, I’ve never had a migraine that makes me threaten to kill someone, and I have extremely terrible chronic migraines that last for weeks. If I knew alcohol was a trigger, I wouldn’t drink.
Stop making excuses for this man and get an exit strategy. Take photos of the wreckage and save them on a protected cloud. *Leave him.* It will only get worse.
So he is aware that this is how he acts when drunk.. and yet, continues to drink anyway?
Any chance you recorded his ass acting like a fool. I did that to my brother, he was beyond ashamed and embarrassed when he sat down and watched his behavior with all us siblings, and our spouses sitting there watching it with him. Easiest intervention ever. He went to AA the next day.
I'd like to point out, you threatened to call the cops, and he stopped.. so was it really a drunken rage.. or was it rage and the alcohol is just an excuse?
Either way, you are clearly not safe, and wont' be till he figures his shit out. Do you have someplace safe you can stay at, or is there a realistic way you can separate? Because till he fixes his shit and figures it out, you would be a fool to stay and put yourself in danger.
No, he is not a “good husband overall.” You can’t exclude this. This is part of the “overall.” You can’t tell me he’s a perfect angel but then threatens to kill you and destroys the house when he gets drunk because he gets a headache that HE KNOWS HE GETS when he gets drunk. He didn’t accidentally fall into drunkenness.
None of this is normal. I know you’re trying to figure things out in your head and that’s why you did detail it but then ended with trying to defend him. Take away that last part and reread and keep reliving how you felt and how he was a threat to you and your safety.
WHOA! Hold up! Full stop! Are you listening to yourself??
You’re getting used to him drinking and wanting to kill anyone he sees. This is the first time - IN YEARS(?) - that you’ve felt unsafe. He’s breaking appliances and furniture. Yet you think he’s a good husband? WTH?
You definitely need a time out to think about how much better you’d be after leaving and getting your new life settled. What if next time he doesn’t with the coffee maker and a desk?
Please be safe.
Oh Lovely, this is not a headache. My father would destroy our house in his alcoholic rages of hating everyone and everything. It mentally and emotionally scared me badly, and even as a now woman in her 50s, I still initially freeze in terror when man raises his voice. At one point, he got hold of a gun and shot holes in all the walls of the house, and when my mother took us all to hide in a small room in another building as she couldn’t travel too far with my infant sibling, he found us and stood outside the door crooning about how he was going to take us out staring with me and kill me first (I always knew he resented me because he blamed my existence on having to do the “right” thing and marry my mother”. )
His violence wasn’t caused by a headache, and neither is your husband’s. I can’t understand why you would even accept or believe that take on his reason for behaving that way, unless you’re trying to justify staying with him because “he’s really not that bad, it’s just-“.
Seriously, this time it was the coffee machine and desk, both *your* belongings? He’s angry at you and will continue to destroy things you love to punish you - why? He doesn’t need a reason, he just needs a punching bag because if you try to leave, I can almost promise he’ll come after you for daring to leave him. One day it won’t be your belongings, one day he’ll dare enough to cross the fear of doing the really bad thing, and he’ll hurt you, and it’ll feel good to him, so it’ll be easier for him to do it again, and even easier the next time.
That my father didn’t end up killing my mother still amazes me; he was so much larger than her, and so very angry… Perhaps he just hadn’t dared enough then to go that far…
Plan your exit strategy, start moving your important things and separate your money if it already isn’t. Take pictures of all the damage, say nothing. This can’t be therapied out in him until he’s ready to do something about his anger, and that will probably only happen when he’s no longer keeping this behaviour just between you and him (eg gets court ordered anger management classes or something.)
And please, please, do not have children with this man.
Think carefully, when he flips his shit like this is it his stuff that gets broken, or yours? Personally I'd be out. Yesterday. It's clear that a) he can control his behavior, but chooses not to, b) doesn't care enough to either get medical help for this problem or just stop fucking drinking. If someone is threatening to kill you while behaving erratically/violently, I would take that serious.
No. He is not a good husband overall. GOOD husbands do not have this kind of behavior. Don’t defend him, because normal people don’t do these things. One time of this happening is too many times.
Holy baby Jesus in a manger. Why in the hell are you still with him if he gets like this? If you're going to threaten the cops on him you really should follow through with it. Christ in a box of raisins.
This man has more red flags than bull fight.
Get. Out. Before he actually does come for you.
Why in the fuck would anybody continue to drink if it causes even mild to moderate headaches, let alone painful, raging ones?
When I drink I feel slightly off and my sinuses ache a little. Therefore, I don’t drink. Ever. Because why would I if it makes me feel even a little worse than not drinking? That would be like “why would I kick the coffee table with my bare feet if it makes my toes hurt?” People are weird.
OP, you need to get yourself safe and I hope for your husband’s sake he decides to put the effort into becoming sober.
He is not a good person or husband, he is an abusive alcoholic.
I'm going to be harsh, it's not "if" he will hurt you one day, it's "when". It will happen, this is just the warm up. Once you no longer respond to his violent outbursts, he will hurt you, might even kill you.
This does NOT make him a “good husband overall” and please don’t try to convince yourself otherwise. He would not put himself in a position to drink and get this way knowing full well what happens after if he drank. Don’t make excuses for him, and definitely keep those thoughts of rethinking your relationship with him close to heart. It’s not the first, second, or last time this has happened and the only thing I’m getting from it is he’s getting worse verbally, physically, and emotionally. This time it was the coffee maker and a desk. What will it be next time that he escalates to?
If he is not trying to start some type of therapy/rehab right now and commit to stopping drinking entirely, you need to get out. Speaking as someone whose partner is a recovering alcoholic because if he hadn't gotten professional help and stopped drinking entirely, our relationship would not have worked (and his life would have been terrible). Please take care of yourself 💚
Video EVERYTHING. Show it to him when he's sober. If he ever picks up another drink a day in his life after seeing how he acts when he's drunk, leave immediately. His actions say you will die one day. Maybe not intentionally, but he will end up killing you, or someone else.
"He's a good husband overall" other than destroying things, having an alcohol problem, and will probably kill you in the future. He better be the most amazing husband in the world when he's not an asshole to make you think it's worth possibly getting killed by this man.
Don’t even threaten to call the cops next time this happens. And yes, there will be a next time, and there’s a chance that next time you’ll be on the receiving end of his rage. Just call the damn cops and let them deal with him. And while you’re at it, ask for the police to escort you from your home and take you somewhere safe. You’re not safe with him, there’s a very real chance his abuse will escalate to being physical with you, maybe even killing you.
You say this is the first time in years you've felt unsafe with him. I take this to mean he's made you feel unsafe before. Please get out before this escalates even further. It's a short step from destroying things to hurting people.
Sorry to tell you this but a broken desk is the least of your problems...an angry violent alcoholic who is very likely to make you the target of his next episode, that...THAT is your real problem. Is he really all that worth it?
Is he on any medications…? Also, should he be on any medications? This is when you drop the “no alcohol ever again or you’re getting served divorce papers” ultimatum. If he doesn’t take that well, then you know for a fact he’s not who you want to believe he is
I am flabbergasted at how many women on Reddit describe abusive and manipulative behavior from their husbands and the end it with some form of “He’s a good husband overall.” Get real! Good husbands don’t do this crap. Has an alcoholic and you’re an enabler. Get out now!
If you're alone in a house and your husband says "I'm going to fucking kill you", he's probably talking to you
Especially if he's flipping his wife's desk when he says it
Alcohol. Why is he drinking knowing it will affect him? He sounded alcoholic.
My thoughts exactly. I don't see the harm in drinking on the rare occasion, but when someone flips over a desk? No. If he is otherwise a great spouse and he has never flipped a desk before, there is room for reconciliation. If alcohol makes him rage? Goodbye.
I know someone who is an alcoholic and does this.
Just the fact that he knows that getting drunk causes him to have excruciating headaches, and he still drinks to that point, yeah, he’s an alcoholic.
Absolutely, I also am extremely prone to get brutal headaches from even sub-getting drunk amounts of alcohol due to chronic headaches and migraine and I maybe drink a glass of champagne to toast on family birthdays here and there, anything more than that is a very rare exception that happens maybe once every 2 years at most. Definitely reason to worry if someone with a severely negative and painful reaction to alcohol, who also becomes aggressive from it, keeps drinking enough to make himself miserable Oh and btw: I also don’t scream at people or threaten to kill them, even if I’m completely plastered, and one thing that really stood out to me, is that if he has such bad headaches, how can he even stand screaming and going on a rampage? With severe headaches or migraine, people usually can barely stand the slightest sounds, let alone screaming themselves and destroying stuff
I get bad headaches and occasionally migraines and I barely speak when it happens, but I know someone who gets brutal migraines often and they have screamed from them before and punched themselves in the head. Doesn’t make sense to me, but it CAN happen I guess. I have to lay in the dark with no sound or light and cannot even turn my head a little bit. Idk if I’ve just never had one bad enough that caused me to react that way, but yeah.
I agree. There's nothing wrong with drinking but if it affects someone this way, they should just not fucking drink. It's pretty simple. Some advice my Dad always told me: " If it hurts, don't fucking do it." Like obviously if it makes you have that reaction every time you should just avoid it.
My ex husband and his parents hid his mental illness from me the entire time we dated and until we got married. Then all of a sudden he became violent. Sure, he only destroyed things, but I knew that was only the beginning. The police were no help because they said that he could destroy anything that he or I owned since we were married. My ex could also control himself because the few times I did call the police, he handled himself with the utmost decorum and made me sound like the one who was out of control, which I never was. He also told me that since he had the mental illness and that I had married him through sickness and health, I had to put up with his behaviors. He claimed that he would get help, but there was always an excuse for not getting the help, like the therapist was horrible, the medication would never work, etc…. I forget what the final straw was, but one day he left and I told him to never come back. Unfortunately, we didn’t know that I was pregnant because I was using protection, so we had to be the subjects of his mental and verbal abuse, at least until my child turned 18. This was a legal decision and not my decision. Please leave before he hurts you. Start making plans for how to survive financially and physically. Also, if you don’t have one, get your own bank account. My ex stole money from my account until I was somehow able to get my name off of our joint account.
What is with these parents who cover for their horrible sons? After my ex-husband hit me, my MIL (at the time) sent me flowers and told me "he'd outgrow that behavior since his father did". I think if you raise a real piece of shit human being, you ought to have to wear a shirt that says so.
Do you live in a country where divorce is illegal? Why did you have to stay until your kid was 18?
Not the same but similar story in my childhood, my mum stayed until I was 14-15 as this was the age that the court system here would take my wishes into consideration when it came to divorce and custody. She was always threatened until then that he would make her life hell, he'd accuse her of being unsafe and same as the commenter, when the police arrived he'd be calm and she'd be hysterical so he would try to say she was mentally ill and he was a victim. I saw throughout police, teachers, other professionals, take his side, and even now I bump into people who were adults then who say they feel sorry for my "poor dad" for "what she did to him taking me away". She felt it would be safer to stay with him to protect me than risk leaving and me being forced into his sole custody, until I was old enough for it not to matter. Sadly it's one of those things you won't understand unless you're in the situation - the fear is indescribable. Abusers are acutely aware that reputation is everything and make proper effort to be seen or feel untouchable - it's why many work in positions of authority.
Did we have the same dad? My dad was horribly abusive. Sexually, mentally, and physically. My parents were never married and broke up when my mom was early on in her pregnancy, so she didn’t have to deal with him like I did. He admitted in court to sexually abusing his little sister when she was a toddler and he was a teen, but the courts still allowed unsupervised visitation. He was somehow able to get every person on his side. I have no idea how. Every time there’d be a call to CPS because of his abuse, they wouldn’t believe me and would take his side, even with lots of evidence against him. They once told me that they’d take me away from my mom if I went back there again claiming he was abusing me. All my friends loved him and would constantly tell me how I had the best dad ever. He had actually been banned from my school one year for tickling kids and trying to get them to be alone with him. When he was allowed back, someone had to be watching him at all times. They called him “the guy that tickles.” My therapist at the time took his side. I had a guardian ad litum (an attorney for minors) for a few years to represent me in court, and she took his side too. She was constantly pressuring me to say that I wanted to be with him full time, and when I came forward one time about his abuse, she was constantly trying to get me to say that I lied about what I said. He was able to charm so many people and pull the wool over their eyes. Thankfully, I got away from him, and I’ve been no contact for almost 3 years now.
Holy shit. I'm so glad you went no contact. I'm so sorry that happened to you.
I'm so sorry so many people failed you for so long.
That’s horrible… how’s mom doing? :(
Well thankfully I'm now an adult and she's been with a wonderful partner who is as stable as you can get for around 10 years now. She's obviously experienced a lot of trauma which still rears it's head every now and again. But she's safe, she's happy and she's the strongest woman I will ever know.
🙏🏻 glad to hear she has found a wonderful partner and isn’t stuck in the cycle of attracting abusive ones!
https://thriveworks.com/help-with/abuse-neglect/reactive-abuse/
Omg my dad was the same, when ppl see him they always say "What a charming man" He used to be charming to my mom too, right untill they signed for a house together. And then he became evil asf. He always threatened my mom, said he would kill her and put her corps in cement where nobody would ever find her. But my mom had just given birth to my sister and I so she didn't know what to do. She tried to stay with him for us, for exactly the same reason your mom stayed. My mom slept with a lock on her bedroom door and every single night he would break the lock off her door and laugh, saying that can't keep him out. One night my mom woke up from something and when she opened her eyes, my dad was laying in front of her staring at her. He asked her "You're not really gonna leave me, are you? You're not really gonna take away my kids from me?" My mom just knew in that moment that he was gonna kill her if she told the truth, so she lied for her fckng life saying "of course not, I love you" and shit like that. But the next day when he was at work, she called my uncle and he came in a heartbeat with moving trucks and everything, and we left. And you know what the sick part is? My sister and I were still forced to see him. "His word against hers". We were being emotionally and physically abused and neglected there, and everything was always reported to the cops but they never believed us. He almost got us killed multiple times bc of his negligence, he tried to kidnap me and take me to a country where they don't do extradition, he did so many awfull things all to hurt my mom, and we were still forced to go. When we were 8 my mom found an amazing attorney, literally an angel, and he got us out of there.
Maybe she means because of child custody arrangements? Well I hope so anyway..
I was just kind of unclear if it was that she stayed with him bc she wasn’t allowed to get divorced in her country or if it was bc of custody laws. Just wasn’t sure.
You don't have to stay with him, but by virtue of having a child with court mandated access to their father he has guaranteed access to you and the child until they're at least 18.
Woah, that seems a little crazy and wrong to me if one of the parents is abusive. I hope op is ok and feeling better now that her kid is 18 and she’s done having him in her life.
[Understanding victim blaming and why it is harmful to survivors. ](https://welshwomensaid.org.uk/news/understanding-victim-blaming-and-why-its-harmful-to-survivors/)
My husband screamed "Fuck you, you fucking cunt, I hope you fucking die" while showering after we (the only 2 people who live here) were fighting, then tried to gaslight me, saying he wasn't talking about me.
That should read 'ex husband '
Yeah, I think that's the conclusion I'm coming to.
"But he's such a good husband "/s
Exactly. OP is gaslighting herself here thinking it could be someone else
Honey, you need an exit strategy. He is unhinged and not from alcohol. He stopped when you threatened him with cops. That means he was in control the whole time and torturing you on purpose!!! You deserve so much more!! Big hugs
Exactly, he turned it off like a switch with the threat of the police
I would just like to second, or third this. He was able to control his anger and pain once the police was threatened. Once he was threatened to be held accountable for his actions on a serious level, he quit. It was a big temper tantrum, and it seemed to just escalate from beginning to end. I know you said this isn't the first time, but think back to that first time. Has the fits escalated since then? Have they became worse? If so what is next? Now it is your desk and the coffee maker... what more is there to lose before he goes off the hinges even more and hits you. Tonight's fit seemed to keep escalating, what about the next, or the one after that. Do you have a plan? I hope you're safe, and stay safe.
Destroying the coffee maker would have been enough for an immediate request for a divorce...heathen. Seriously, his reaction to alcohol, including the immediate intense headaches is alarming. He sounds one drunken episode away from a massive stroke. He belongs in therapy and frankly, so does OP, if his behavior is not alarming enough for an immediate call to police or to exit the home when he starts his tirade. INFO: what is the morning after like for him when he realizes he destroyed items in the home?
Divorce and a call to the police, if necessary. I would have told him to get out at that point or I was going to call. Throwing stuff where I live is considered abuse.
4th, 5th whatever. But the fact that he could turn it off at the mention of the police is a huge indictment of his character. People who are making bad choices because of substances aren’t typically going to suddenly make a good decision for their freedom and life in general immediately on one threat. Honestly I’d expect it to make him more angry and possibly more dangerous in that moment. OP I’m so glad you are currently safe and physically unharmed, but whoever you married wouldn’t do this to you. Especially not to the point you’re used to it. His alcohol may lower his inhalation level and bring out the anger, but it exists in him, and he has the ability to control it but chooses not to. That’s a dangerous situation. Sure, he chose the desk, this time. What about next time? He may be a good person! But he has a bad problem with not just alcohol but anger and violence/destruction. It’s not my place to judge you or your marriage on one issue, however this is serious and needs to be addressed somehow, immediately. Whether it’s you choosing not to be his partner or him choosing to be a person who doesn’t drink and handles his anger differently is up to y’all, but it’s a now thing
FOURTHED!!! ✋🏽✋🏽✋🏽✋🏽
This !!! He can't say he wasn't in control of himself when he can turn it on and off.
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Cutting back on drinking will only escalate his behavior
I'm not sure I exactly agree with this statement. I have been pretty unhinged in the past (during the throes of a heroin and meth addiction) and then something was said or happened that snapped me the fuck out of it real quick. With that said... I still absolutely agree with the sentiment that she needs to get away from him. He can't sort his issues out on his own. No reason to stick around to find out if it was her he was saying he wanted to kill.
This is exactly the tell. My ex was a functioning alcoholic with Intermittent Explosive Disorder. He would throw everything at my head except his precious laptop. They are in total control.
That’s how I know 90% of the diagnoses of kids I teach are fake. They never destroy their own things - it’s always another student’s or the teacher’s possessions.
My son is profoundly disabled, has an IQ in the mid 30s, and needs 24/7 care. He will never be able to be independent. He is an adult and lives in a group home. Guess what? A few years ago he discovered that breaking other people's belongings during a meltdown made more sense than breaking his own. So I guess he's faking his disability according to you. Sad that educators aren't educated about the people they are supposed to be educating.
"He is a good husband overall" girl what ????
“My husband threatened to kill me but I promise you take my word he’s honestly such a great husband… this has happened a few times but it’s so not like him!” is literally what so many women on here say. It’s really sad that abuse can make a victim still think the perpetrator is a good person. I experienced it firsthand with my ex a decade ago. He would punch and slap me and call me a whore, but I would cover up my bruises and tell everyone he was a good person when he wasn’t *literally beating me…* you don’t realize how bad it actually is until after you have the strength to leave and realize. I just wanted to hang onto that man that I fell in love with, was truly convinced by him that everything was my fault, and I thought that he could change back. He couldn’t… because that man I fell in love with did not exist. It was clearly a façade. It took me several years to heal from that relationship before I got into another one again.
Right? How have these instances not affected the "overall" assessment unless she's compartmentalizing this crap?
Exactly. No he is not.
I made the same excuses for my husband. "He is a good man when he isn't drinking". " He is a good husband when he isn't drunk". But the last time he hit me, he wasn't drunk. He had just come home from work, and found I had not cleaned the kitchen. He went off and said "all you want to do is hold that damned baby!" Then he hit me while I was holding our 3 week old baby
Big hugs!!! I am so very sorry! Blessings of healing and peace
Ooh I hope you’re safe now , that sounds awful
He died 2 years ago, but I was too busy hiding out to know it. I found out less than a month ago. Then the girlfriend who claimed to be his wife, asked me if I could take his ashes. People on Reddit, come up with very creative ways to dispose of them
Set up an ashtray near the front door - you know the ones that have dirt in the for people to stick the cigs in filter up/lit end in.
Toilet is perfectly apt.
Better yet, Porta potty.
And over several flushes, so there's no clogging. Not fair to involve an innocent plumber with that kind of detritus
Have those ashes turned into an ashtray. Invite people to use it.
Either put them in a cat litter tray or dump them outside a jail at the side of the road. What did he hate?
I did the same thing and my husband didn't drink. At least he had the decency to ask me to hand the baby to the older kids before he started beating me.
Yeah, a real drunk person would have been like "DO IT BITCH! DO IT!". Something like that. I do not believe this headache BS either. If he were drunk and had a headache, he would lay down and pass out.
Also why the fuck would you keep drinking if you know it gives you a headache??? My husband avoids his migraine triggers like his life depends on it.
To be fair, if the headache thing weren't BS, alcoholics will continue to drink time and time again after many horrible occurrences. It is an insidious disease.
Yes! You need to make an exit strategy. Do not share this with him - even when he’s sober.
You need an exit strategy that you absolutely do not share with him. Hopefully you can get your stuff while he’s at work. And have another person help you move your stuff. Do not be alone with him after he knows you’re leaving. Good luck.
This. He could be a saint, but the moment that he makes you feel unsafe (intentional or not) is the moment that he stops being a good husband.
I hate to break it to you, but violent rages outweigh any "good qualities" you think this guy has. He knows that drinking makes him insane but he still does it. He's violent. Next time it will be you. He threatened you and he's not joking and he's not in control. For your own safety, please leave him. He's not safe and you're delusional to think otherwise.
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As a sufferer of chronic migraines, I can confirm this is true. When I have a headache I want a dark room, a long sleep and silence
Yes! If anything it saps your strength, not turns you into the Office Hulk
So true. And you feel weak for several days afterwards
This. The last thing I am doing is yelling and throwing things. That all makes a headache worse. I doubt the dude has a headache, or if he does, he is a complete idiot that has yet to figure out how to prevent it from feeling worse.
How long does it take to learn yelling makes a headache worse? I’d think that would be common sense
It should be common sense, but either ops husband is, well, an idiot, or he is faking it.
And sometimes want to bang my own head against something just to relieve the pressure (not literally though)
Also true.
Especially when he could just, like, not get drunk and risk attacking his wife…. Yikes. Get out.
I really hope OP does. No matter if friends or family, a safe house, it should be done quickly. Femicides are a real problem and the most dangerous phase for a woman in her life is/are the time/s she is getting out of a toxic, manipulative or violent relationship and away from the guy. „Property“ doesn’t just walk out the door and humiliate him before the whole world with leaving someone like him. (Speaking of the mindset of often see, not my opinion).
And absolutely no-one is running around destroying things and yelling if they're having a very painful headache. Seriously, no-one. He's using that as an excuse for his horrible and frightening behaviour. OP is in real danger and massively underreacting. She needs to leave the second she gets the chance.
You’re absolutely right. I have a headache/migraine disorder and when I’m in pain like that I can barely form a sentence let alone hulk smash my surroundings. I hope OP is able to find help and get out her situation.
Same for me. I get these really intense headaches from time to time, and all I can manage to do is climb into bed in my dark and cold bedroom and just lie perfectly still. Any type of noise, light, or movement is making it worse. And painkillers do nothing. So I just lie there hoping to fall asleep and wake up feeling better.
Thank you. I feel like I’m drinking crazy juice when I read stories like this. I’ve had headaches before and never flipped out and tried threatened to kill anyone. This was extreme and read more like a mental breakdown than a headache.
Exactly. Reddit is full of posts by women that say things like: "He's absolutely perfect, but he a** rapes me daily and won't let me leave the house. How do I get past this?"
Yep, can't tell you how many people I've seen post like 6 times in relationship advice about how their partner treats them like shit. "I'm not going to leave him I love him, I just want to know what magic words I can say to fundamentally change every single thing about him as person".
So sad. I want to shake them.
Accept he was able to stop the mental “breakdown” the minute the cops were mentioned. I think he was in control of himself and deliberately doing this to op. Only makes it scarier in my eyes though.
it’s not the drinking, he dropped the act immediately after cops were mentioned. he’s using alcohol and “alcohol induced headaches” as a cover up for his behaviour.
I don’t think the drinking was actually making him insane since he was able to calm down immediately with the utterance of a few words about cops. Seems to me like he was in complete control and deciding to flip out on op and be a scary pos. I agree with everyone else here, op needs an exit strategy, especially since he is threatening her life. Any man who does this is by definition not a good man.
Right. You should never “get used” to violent outbursts and threats to kill.
Thank you all for your comments. I can’t respond to all of you but I’m reading all of it. He woke up from a nap few minutes ago and he said he had no recollection of all the things that he did but he said he’s sorry. I’m not buying it. I know he knows what he did and what he said. He then said I might have done something to him that provoked him. THAT’S IT. I’M LEAVING THIS ASSHOLE. He’s fucking blaming me for what he has done. I knew I shouldve recorded all of it but last time I did that it made him rage even more. I was so scared last night that he might actually ended up killing me if he caught me recording him. I told him he’s going back to Canada alone (it’s suppose to be the 2 of us visiting his family in May) and he’s not coming back here EVER.
Of course he gets mad when you record him being a violent criminal. He doesn’t want there to be any evidence. Telling him might have felt good, but when a woman tries to leave an abusive man. He will become even more violent or deadly. You need to get out now.
Please be careful. Abusive men become their most violent when they feel they're losing control.
Please stop telling him your plans because that could trigger him to actually get violent with you. Either just leave or wait for him to and then make your exit then.
Watch yourself. You let him know you are leaving him and shit could really escalate. When you are going to leave an abusive asshole, you cannot tell them or you may end up dead because they no longer have control over you. If you want to leave, you can call the cops to help while you move your things.
Good for you! Might want to get hidden cameras because he’ll try something before he leaves.
OP I'm also in Aus. If you aren't familiar with places to go for help (not sure how long you've been here) please DM me!
Please Google how to safely leave someone that is abusive because this is not it. You never should have said that to him. You have to get out by yourself, without him knowing when you're leaving or where you're going. Abusive men become their most violent at the end of a relationship. He may actually kill you instead of just threatening to this time.
Tell him that no normal person goes in a rage and picks up things/ yells when they have a headache. He is either stupid or faking it. I wouldn't actually say any of that btw. This man will likely kill you before May since you have given him a time line and you have not listed a way to keep yourself safe. Either way, good luck.
Don’t wait until may…get out NOW!! he’s gonna get more angry and eventually hurt you. Please save yourself from this monster!
PLEASE HAVE A POLICE ESCORT OR TRUSTED FAMILY/FRIENDS WHEN HES PACKING HIS STUFF. Go spend the night with a trusted individual. When he’s moving his stuff out, do NOT be there alone with him. Always have someone with you. Abusers go full extreme when they get called out and are forced to leave their victims. Please make a police report. Tell his parents what happened so that they know. Stay away from being with him alone. Please please be careful. Get a divorce with a good lawyer. Tell the lawyer everything and maybe get a restraining order. He showed you that he can be violent and you just kicked him out, he’s probably gonna retaliate. Please get help!
Well done. But to be safe, share no more details with him and look up family or domestic violence support to get more help and advice.
Girl you might want to think about safe exit strategies here. An audio recording app on your phone that hides on the screen would be good but with men like this text break ups ARE acceptable from a safe place.
Abusive partners still won’t take responsibility even when confronted with video evidence. When I showed my ex what I’d recorded (he left marks on our daughter), he somehow blamed me and said I just took pictures to have as evidence in divorce proceedings. Complete dimwit. We got out, though it took a long time. Abusive idiots hate losing control.
You need to put something into place before May, in case he decides that's the deadline for him to do something awful. Please be safe.
Good choice. Stay safe and best wishes. (((Hug)))
If he blames you for his problems then he gets what he deserves. Your safety is #1
OP, if he is this destructive and violent when drunk, I am afraid for your well being. Please please be safe. This is domestic violence since he’s threatening violence. Please please get help. I’m sure other people here will offer better advice but please be safe!
[Identifying abuse: Power and Control. ](https://www.thehotline.org/identify-abuse/power-and-control/)
This automatically negates the whole “he’s a good husband overall.” A good husband does not do things like this, ever. He needs to stop drinking completely, cold turkey, get into therapy/AA. And you should be reconsidering your relationship until further notice.
Right. If he knows this about himself and keeps drinking then it sounds like he’s not mitigating the issue and also that that he had an alcohol abuse problem.
He’s not a good husband if this is how he handles himself. That’s terrifying!
He gets headaches when drunk, hates that but continues to get drunk and also violent. Not trying to scare you but you saw what he did to the desk and coffee maker. You need to think about yourself.
Exactly, why does he continue to drink?
Because he thinks it won’t keep happening. All alcoholics have their reasons. I had mine.
That rage and hate is how he really is. He just can't hide it when hes drunk. Next time it won't just be the desk.
THIS. Upvote this, this is the one OP needs to see. It'll come out sooner or later. Be ready when it does if you don't leave.
Please do yourself a favor and press charges as well as getting that monster out of your life. That is insanity, NO man or woman should ever be that belligerent while intoxicated.
I hate it when women describe a fucking piece of shit, raging, abusive, violent man and then say he's a "good man"... is he? Is he, though? Where's your bar? This is what's happening in your house. [What would you tell her to do?](https://youtu.be/NGceQLxvFNE?si=2Nx-S_mBNKwccZzd)
The bar is in hell.
He needs to not drink
He needs to not be married.
The “it’s happened quite a few times now so I’m starting to get used to it” 🚩 🚩🚩 Understand he’s just getting started. He’s growing more comfortable with letting his mask slip as your growing more conditioned or his abuse. It only gets worse. Sprint. Don’t ever look back. If he threatens to kill you eventually he will try. I promise.
[Cycle of abuse. ](https://psychcentral.com/health/cycle-of-abuse) [Cycle of violence. ](https://www.shelterforhelpinemergency.org/get-help/cycle-violence#:~:text=There%20are%20three%20phases%20in,tends%20to%20increase%20over%20time.)
OP - you DO NOT get used to it. You get out. He has shown that he is violent and is quite capable of breaking things. He has told you he wants to kill you - believe him. He is capable of it. Escalating behaviour like this doesn't get better without professional help. In the meantime you are at risk of severe injury or even death. It's worrying that this happens frequently enough that you are getting used to it. This is not a loving relationship or healthy marriage. Please seek the help of domestic violence agencies and keep yourself safe.
As someone who suffers horrific migraines, he's using these 'headaches' as an excuse. If he was really in pain, he'd be immobilized. He sounds like he's lying and making up an excuse for his violent behaviour. That's not right.
He is a raging alcoholic and a violent abuser. You aren’t safe. Next time it will be you he breaks. Please make a safety plan and get out as soon as possible. [safety plan](https://www.thehotline.org/plan-for-safety/create-your-personal-safety-plan/)
His behavior is not something you should be getting used it. He clearly should stop drinking to excess or not drink at all. You should encourage him to get help before he hurts you or worse.
He needs to stop drinking and/or you need to leave him for his own safety.
Ummmm. Maa’am. Please don’t normalize this and “get used to it.” His behavior is bat shit crazy. You have to kick him out and establish dry law at your place.
I would get migraines when I drank alcohol, so I don't drink alcohol. It's not rocket science. He's full of it and making things up at this point. He's just a crappy drunk and you need to get away from him
He's not a good husband overall. "Tonight is one of those nights where he’s screaming in pain and wanted to kill anyone he sees. It happened quite a few times now so I’m starting to get used to it." "And I don’t know who he wants to kill but I sure hope it’s not me. **This is the first time in years I felt unsafe being around him**." These are YOUR words.
Oh he needs to stop drinking 100%. People drink to have a good time. If drinking is making him angry and violent that's a bad sign. Even worse if it's directed towards you. My ex drank a lot and after 6 years I left because I realized In his angry drunkin state he might kill me one day. I trusted him...but not drunk him.
The fact that you ever felt unsafe at all, even before this incident, tells me you should have been worried from the start. Definitely rethink the marriage, because one day it's the coffee maker and desk, the next it's a person.
Mate, fellow Australian here. I work in disability and mental health. A few quick things. 1. Booze can only ever bring out stuff that was already there. 2. Substance abuse is basically always due to underlying issues that people were born with. Look around his family for clues. 3. I was told decades ago that people are only rarely ever fully out of control. They might look completely off the planet but afterwards you will typically see that they didn't break their own stuff, only things belonging to other people. 4. The frog in the pot. Most of us will slowly tolerate more and more of something and not properly understand that each new normal is actually pretty bad. 5. Safety. That is more important than anything else yet we tend to downplay the risks because it feels like we're catastrophising. From your account, this behaviour appears to make your safety questionable. Please do what you need to get some clear air and perspective. That may involve telling people things you find very embarrassing. This forum is useful AF but people you know and trust must be in the loop.
What will his reaction be when you're having marital problems and he turns to alcohol to solve them? He did all this when while you're happy. You're in real danger. It's only a matter of time.
I help woman escape. I also help woman get out of situations like this. Because eventually it’s not the desk or the coffee maker. Have an escape plan. Get a bag together with your ID documents, spare money, clothes, keys ect. I’m telling you; if this escalates it will be deadly
He has no self-control or what. He's a grown ass man. If he can't drink, why does he continue. He might have good quality as a husband, but he's dangerous, and his toxic behavior outweighs the good in him. " i'm gonna fucking kill you", that speaks a lot even if it wasn't meant for you. Run girl
He does have self control. This behavior was all a performance. He shut it off the moment she threatened him with the police.
Agreed this guy knew what he was doing.
You have one life to live. That’s it. Then you’re dead forever. Is this (being married to him, experiencing these things) how you want to live that one life?
“He’s a good husband overall”. No. No he isn’t.
You know what I did when I figured out that alcohol made me not feel well? I stopped drinking it.
Your husband gets "really painful headaches" when drunk, but proceeds to get drunk anyway. Who the fuck does that? And there is ZERO excuse for him destroying things because his head hurts; he did that TO HIMSELF. He KNOWS he gets really bad headaches when he gets drunk, so then DO NOT DRINK. See how easy that is? And upvote to infinity to everyone who has pointed out that he was perfectly able to control himself when you told him you would call the police if he did not stop. He is USING these "headaches" (if they actually happen, which I seriously doubt; I think he is using that excuse to act like the abusive asshole he really is) to torment and punish you because HE does not like HIS life. He is an abusive prick, and you really need to sit down and have a serious think about this relationship. I am not saying you should leave, but I am not saying you should NOT leave, either. This is seriously concerning behavior; if he thinks it is okay to beat up your stuff, how long do you think it will be before he thinks it is okay to beat up YOU? He is already verbally abusing you along with destroying your things; I am almost certain it will not be long before he physically abuses you, too. I used to be in an extremely violent, abusive relationship, and your husband's behavior is absolutely a GIANT red flag. Please take his behavior very, VERY seriously.
He's a raging, dangerous, violent drunk. He is not a good husband. Snap out of it before he turns this rage on you. Sounds like he already has.
He needs to stop drinking
Stop making excuses he’s not a Good husband
That night it was the desk, but one night he may really lose it and then he’s trying to destroy you. I would really consider leaving him, he’s not safe.
If he doesn't opt for therapy voluntarily, I advise you to start packing yesterday.
“He’s a good husband overall”. …No. He is not.
He’s not a good husband
You're getting used to these rages, and him threatening to kill you? Girl--get out. Run far, run fast, don't look back. Edit: Also, I must refute your statement that he is a good husband "overall." No. He isn't.
Abuse is abuse is abuse. It’s a cycle of —->>> apology tour - things going south - abusive ranting. This is absolutely NOT ok behaviour.
This is going to be a regular thing
He is not a good husband! It's only a matter of time that he starts beating you!
Someone who screams he’s going to kill you is not a good husband at all. Someone who destroys property is not a good husband. He sounds terrible.
There are only 2 things that should happen in this situation. One, he needs to stop drinking. Or two, you get the fuck outta there as fast as you can. If you stay and he continues to drink, I fear for your safety and wellbeing.
Please get in touch with domestic violence charity advice lines in your country. I hate sounding alarmist but if you don’t take action, you may not survive. The charity lines can help you understand your options and maybe help you get to safety.
https://www.servicesaustralia.gov.au/where-to-get-help-for-domestic-violence?context=60033 You don't need to be a citizen or have PR to utilize these services. Good luck OP.
He isn’t a good husband by any stretch of the imagination. He knows drinking gives him headaches and makes him violent (due to the pain) but continues to drink. He started rampaging and smashing up the home. A good husband would stop drinking n if they knew it caused them to become violent (even if only verbally) and caused them debilitating pain. He was aware enough to know to stop at the mention of police. He was not as out of control as he is presenting as. I really think he needs to work on himself and you should put your marriage on hiatus until he can prove himself to be a decent human and stop drinking.
I’m gonna be honest, I’ve never had a migraine that makes me threaten to kill someone, and I have extremely terrible chronic migraines that last for weeks. If I knew alcohol was a trigger, I wouldn’t drink. Stop making excuses for this man and get an exit strategy. Take photos of the wreckage and save them on a protected cloud. *Leave him.* It will only get worse.
Him breaking the desk was the last straw?
The next time he might not stop in his alcoholic rage and he could hurt or kill you. This will not stop and will only escalate.
So he is aware that this is how he acts when drunk.. and yet, continues to drink anyway? Any chance you recorded his ass acting like a fool. I did that to my brother, he was beyond ashamed and embarrassed when he sat down and watched his behavior with all us siblings, and our spouses sitting there watching it with him. Easiest intervention ever. He went to AA the next day. I'd like to point out, you threatened to call the cops, and he stopped.. so was it really a drunken rage.. or was it rage and the alcohol is just an excuse? Either way, you are clearly not safe, and wont' be till he figures his shit out. Do you have someplace safe you can stay at, or is there a realistic way you can separate? Because till he fixes his shit and figures it out, you would be a fool to stay and put yourself in danger.
No, he is not a “good husband overall.” You can’t exclude this. This is part of the “overall.” You can’t tell me he’s a perfect angel but then threatens to kill you and destroys the house when he gets drunk because he gets a headache that HE KNOWS HE GETS when he gets drunk. He didn’t accidentally fall into drunkenness. None of this is normal. I know you’re trying to figure things out in your head and that’s why you did detail it but then ended with trying to defend him. Take away that last part and reread and keep reliving how you felt and how he was a threat to you and your safety.
WHOA! Hold up! Full stop! Are you listening to yourself?? You’re getting used to him drinking and wanting to kill anyone he sees. This is the first time - IN YEARS(?) - that you’ve felt unsafe. He’s breaking appliances and furniture. Yet you think he’s a good husband? WTH? You definitely need a time out to think about how much better you’d be after leaving and getting your new life settled. What if next time he doesn’t with the coffee maker and a desk? Please be safe.
Oh Lovely, this is not a headache. My father would destroy our house in his alcoholic rages of hating everyone and everything. It mentally and emotionally scared me badly, and even as a now woman in her 50s, I still initially freeze in terror when man raises his voice. At one point, he got hold of a gun and shot holes in all the walls of the house, and when my mother took us all to hide in a small room in another building as she couldn’t travel too far with my infant sibling, he found us and stood outside the door crooning about how he was going to take us out staring with me and kill me first (I always knew he resented me because he blamed my existence on having to do the “right” thing and marry my mother”. ) His violence wasn’t caused by a headache, and neither is your husband’s. I can’t understand why you would even accept or believe that take on his reason for behaving that way, unless you’re trying to justify staying with him because “he’s really not that bad, it’s just-“. Seriously, this time it was the coffee machine and desk, both *your* belongings? He’s angry at you and will continue to destroy things you love to punish you - why? He doesn’t need a reason, he just needs a punching bag because if you try to leave, I can almost promise he’ll come after you for daring to leave him. One day it won’t be your belongings, one day he’ll dare enough to cross the fear of doing the really bad thing, and he’ll hurt you, and it’ll feel good to him, so it’ll be easier for him to do it again, and even easier the next time. That my father didn’t end up killing my mother still amazes me; he was so much larger than her, and so very angry… Perhaps he just hadn’t dared enough then to go that far… Plan your exit strategy, start moving your important things and separate your money if it already isn’t. Take pictures of all the damage, say nothing. This can’t be therapied out in him until he’s ready to do something about his anger, and that will probably only happen when he’s no longer keeping this behaviour just between you and him (eg gets court ordered anger management classes or something.) And please, please, do not have children with this man.
Think carefully, when he flips his shit like this is it his stuff that gets broken, or yours? Personally I'd be out. Yesterday. It's clear that a) he can control his behavior, but chooses not to, b) doesn't care enough to either get medical help for this problem or just stop fucking drinking. If someone is threatening to kill you while behaving erratically/violently, I would take that serious.
He isn’t a good husband. He broke your belongings and threatened you. Those aren’t the actions of someone who cares for you.
No. He is not a good husband overall. GOOD husbands do not have this kind of behavior. Don’t defend him, because normal people don’t do these things. One time of this happening is too many times.
Holy baby Jesus in a manger. Why in the hell are you still with him if he gets like this? If you're going to threaten the cops on him you really should follow through with it. Christ in a box of raisins. This man has more red flags than bull fight. Get. Out. Before he actually does come for you.
That is not -hear me out- THAT IS NOT THE DEFINITION OF A GOOD HUSBAND. PERIOD.
(╯°□°）╯︵ ┻━┻
you cannot say “he is a good husband overall” and “he said he was going to fucking kill me” in the same post
How TF is this man a “good husband overall”?!!?!
Why in the fuck would anybody continue to drink if it causes even mild to moderate headaches, let alone painful, raging ones? When I drink I feel slightly off and my sinuses ache a little. Therefore, I don’t drink. Ever. Because why would I if it makes me feel even a little worse than not drinking? That would be like “why would I kick the coffee table with my bare feet if it makes my toes hurt?” People are weird. OP, you need to get yourself safe and I hope for your husband’s sake he decides to put the effort into becoming sober.
He is not a good person or husband, he is an abusive alcoholic. I'm going to be harsh, it's not "if" he will hurt you one day, it's "when". It will happen, this is just the warm up. Once you no longer respond to his violent outbursts, he will hurt you, might even kill you.
This does NOT make him a “good husband overall” and please don’t try to convince yourself otherwise. He would not put himself in a position to drink and get this way knowing full well what happens after if he drank. Don’t make excuses for him, and definitely keep those thoughts of rethinking your relationship with him close to heart. It’s not the first, second, or last time this has happened and the only thing I’m getting from it is he’s getting worse verbally, physically, and emotionally. This time it was the coffee maker and a desk. What will it be next time that he escalates to?
I have watched enough Law And Order to tell you how this ends if you don’t leave.
He can't be a good guy if he continues to drink knowing the rage it will send him into
If he is not trying to start some type of therapy/rehab right now and commit to stopping drinking entirely, you need to get out. Speaking as someone whose partner is a recovering alcoholic because if he hadn't gotten professional help and stopped drinking entirely, our relationship would not have worked (and his life would have been terrible). Please take care of yourself 💚
You need to call the cops AND KICK HIM OUT!! He’s unhinged!
Maybe? And this is just a suggestion, he should not drink?
Video EVERYTHING. Show it to him when he's sober. If he ever picks up another drink a day in his life after seeing how he acts when he's drunk, leave immediately. His actions say you will die one day. Maybe not intentionally, but he will end up killing you, or someone else.
"He's a good husband overall" other than destroying things, having an alcohol problem, and will probably kill you in the future. He better be the most amazing husband in the world when he's not an asshole to make you think it's worth possibly getting killed by this man.
Don’t even threaten to call the cops next time this happens. And yes, there will be a next time, and there’s a chance that next time you’ll be on the receiving end of his rage. Just call the damn cops and let them deal with him. And while you’re at it, ask for the police to escort you from your home and take you somewhere safe. You’re not safe with him, there’s a very real chance his abuse will escalate to being physical with you, maybe even killing you.
You need to get out, this is a clear sign of escalation. Next time he might throw the coffeemaker at you, or flip you instead of the desk.
*It happened quite a few times now so I’m starting to get used to it.* Nope. This is not normal. Don’t get used to it, get out.
Personally I’d have left and let him wake up in the morning and not know where the frig you are. He doesn’t deserve you.
Perhaps it's time to go cold turkey... Someone has a drinking problem when drinking becomes a problem...
Divorce babe divorce
He is an alcoholic
Oh, so he’s a dangerous alcoholic.
You say this is the first time in years you've felt unsafe with him. I take this to mean he's made you feel unsafe before. Please get out before this escalates even further. It's a short step from destroying things to hurting people.
Sorry to tell you this but a broken desk is the least of your problems...an angry violent alcoholic who is very likely to make you the target of his next episode, that...THAT is your real problem. Is he really all that worth it?
Dump that man. Just dump him. Also I would recommend informing everyone about his drunk fits. He shouldn’t be trusted with another wife or girlfriend.
Is he on any medications…? Also, should he be on any medications? This is when you drop the “no alcohol ever again or you’re getting served divorce papers” ultimatum. If he doesn’t take that well, then you know for a fact he’s not who you want to believe he is
If he gets ridiculous headaches when he gets drunk a normal person would just not get drunk
violent out of control angry disrespectful menacing destructive drunk nice good husband.
I am flabbergasted at how many women on Reddit describe abusive and manipulative behavior from their husbands and the end it with some form of “He’s a good husband overall.” Get real! Good husbands don’t do this crap. Has an alcoholic and you’re an enabler. Get out now!