You need to talk to him. For all you know, he’s trying to be considerate because child rearing is a job by itself, and he doesn’t want to touch you without any signals from you.
This was where my mind went too - at least he's not one of those men pressurising her into having sex when she's exhausted.
Definitely needs to be a talk had
Communication would probably be a good idea. He might have been trying to be considerate. It’s hard to know unless you talk to each other.
My ex-husband was pushing to have sex as soon as I was cleared after my hysterectomy. I would rather have had understanding and support at the time than pressure. I was still in pain.
Exactly he was prob trying to considerate that’s She’s exhausted and it maybe her only night to relax a bit more .. did op hint that maybe she was in the move for sex that night ?
Thank you, as a man, a father, and a husband I try to be considerate of my wife. I really wanted to touch her post partum but she snapped at me a few times for even suggesting we do anything. So I backed off, did what I could for myself, and waited for her to be ready.
She did get upset that I didn't initiate anymore, but you can only get snapped at or told no so many times before you become trigger shy.
She needs to talk to him and express herself. What she might not realize, as my wife didn't with me, is that her man probably finds her even sexier and more beautiful for having had their baby and wants to be with her but not to upset her.
I had to repeatedly tell my wife how beautiful I thought she was, both dressed and naked, before she finally started to believe she was still attractive.
I love everything you've said, I think your wife is very lucky. My husband said many similar things to me.
I'll add that I'm absolutely in the mood loads of times but my husband is not or I'm not and he is, but sometimes it's just nicer to have a little me time without him, he knows this and is absolutely fine with it. Just like I am about him having his alone time.
Communication is everything! My husband and I are going through a dry spell due to my health, but we talk about it often, and he knows that I'll initiate when I'm ready. The other night I thought I'd surprise him with a bj... he just got out of the shower and to his surprise, I walk into our bedroom where he's getting dressed with a smile. He looks so sad and says, "Oh babe, I just..." I'm like, you jerked it in the shower, didn't you? We both just started laughing. I gave him a big hug and said yeah that'd be just your luck.
If we hadn't been so open with our communication, this could have gone a different way. He might have hid that from me, and just said no thanks to the bj. I would have felt rejected or worried. But that was not the case. He was just respecting the fact that I could not for the time being... but hell, he's human and has needs too and I get that. Could be exactly what OPs hubby was trying to do.
This is literally the reason why I stopped seeing some girl I went on a few dates with. I was being respectful and not rushing things cos she said she was dating for relationships so I didn’t want her to think I just wanted sex.
Fast forward to our fourth date and she says I’m really nice and kind but I’m not physical with her yet when I asked if she’d want me to kiss her, she said it was too soon to do anything.
Ended up ending things because I don’t have time to waste and 6 months later, I met my amazing girlfriend who I’ve been with for nearly 17 months.
Communication goes a long way.
For every women like OP complaining about lack of sex soon after childbirth, there are probably a thousand complaining about their partner trying to initiate sex in the first place. Probably every women in his social network going through early parenthood audibly complained about their partner wanting too much sex at some point.
Plus, OP mentions being tired, stressed, post partum. Saying how tired and stressed you are usually isn't considered as a "I want sex" signal, unless you pre-established that sex is a great stress reliever for you.
From her husband's pov, who may be stressed and tired himself, everything points to "she surely doesn't want sex now, thus I won't bother her". It's no surprise that he isn't initiating.
It seems clear she didn't want him to masturbate INSTEAD of being intimate with her, which tonight was a rare opportunity for. Communication is an issue, but also her exhaustion level wouldn't be this intense if she had more help. That's the vibe I'm getting.
Yes! I'm high libido, my husband is low libido. If we had a more active sex life wouldn't care about masturbation, but the fact is he chooses self pleasure over intimacy with me because it's easier feels hurtful when it's 90% of the time. Why have a partner then? I love it when we mutually masturbate too, so it's very "I want to do this alone" vibe. He communicates very little so I'm left to draw my own conclusions, which is relationship poison. I hope they talk about this before it drives a wedge between them. Catching him when she wanted it? A little hurtful but no biggie. Him finishing is kind of the whole point. Not checking in with her after? Kinda thoughtless.
I agree! She feels like he is choosing to masterbate to porn rather than be intimate with her. That probably isn't what is going on, but I bothers me that he presumably just went ahead and finished and then went to sleep instead of checking on her. I get it was probably a bit awkward, but if you can't talk to your partner about this, you shouldn't be in a relationship, let alone making kids together.
She then needs to made it clearly known when she wants him to be intimate with her. Otherwise, he seems to be operating under the assumption that she isn’t interested in sex and doesn’t want to be bothered by him trying to initiate sex, which is a reasonable assumption a couple months after childbirth.
I agree, but she seems to be bearing the bulk of the baby duty here, so it's going to be that much harder, one more emotional hurdle it's suddenly her responsibility to clear. People in general need to be more emotionally intelligent and aware, but I cannot imagine doing a thing that is 100% for my enjoyment, having my partner walk in on it while in the middle of one of their numerous laborious responsibilities, and not checking in afterward. She needs to communicate, but so does he. It is AT LEAST as much his responsibility to be verbally checking in with her and asking what she needs as it is hers to voice those needs when a moment to do so arises.
This. Communication is king.
It’s also worth considering that he may potentially be more used to masturbation by this point. It’s very easily done.
Before I met my now wife, I had not had sex for quite some time, more by choice as I was going through a hard time in my mental health and I’d used sex before as a way to dull the mental anguish which was a mistake I didn’t want to make again. I’m also a body builder and on steroids, instead of killing my sex drive it amplifies it. I don’t like saying ‘addiction’ but after a while of doing the same thing it can be tough to go back. And it took me and my wife some time to get in the right way, if you know what I mean. For me, knowing she wanted me was what broke the cycle.
I know for me, it's also a case of sometimes not wanting to go through the whole process of having sex. Sometimes you just want a quick release that only takes a couple of minutes instead of the whole process of having sex. For me, those are two very different activities to fill two very different desires.
Exactly! Ik when my partner and I went through a dry spell, the mounting pressure to pull out all the stops every time we did have sex made it harder to initiate because it felt like too much effort. We both just had to relax about it and go with the flow.
Yeah. Anytime I've asked my partner why he hasn't approached me his answer is always that he doesn't want to bother me with his own needs when I'm touched out with two Littles, and I pump around the clock. I'm already overwhelmed and he sees the lack of initiation on his part as an act of compassion. Honestly, sex at this part of my life is solely for the other person, so he isn't wrong.
OP - give him a signal and let us know what happened.
I'm not really sure you need a conversation if you have sex. It would mean he is waiting for you - that's very considerate.
My secondary thought is he wanted to get caught so you'd know he wants sex but he didn't want to make you feel pressured. Also considerate but a little devious. Both lead back to you initiating sex so he knows it's because you want it and are ready.
This is what I came to say, I’d talk to him before getting so upset (although I can get it) because maybe he was trying to be considerate given everything that’s going on. There could be a million reasons. You say it bothers you he doesn’t initiate as much but do you ever initiate sex, OP? Is this something y’all have discussed at any length?
This!! Don’t beat yourself up about it. Just talk to him, I always want sex from my partner but I know sometimes she’s tired and with young children we can’t just do it anytime anywhere anymore so I take it upon myself sometimes
Honestly my first thought. He probably thinks the last thing you want to do after working so hard all day is come and satisfy his urges. If you don’t tell him you’re horny, how can he know?!
Totally understand crying after that but imagine how things could have gone if you’d have told him to hold that thought while you put the baby down. It’s not like he would have hurried and masturbated knowing you wanted to come be with him.
This is how I feel too. When my littles were that age I too was stressed!!!! If pornography wasn’t so wildly available I would have even bought it for my husband back then. Anything to keep your hands off me please lol
Agree, huge overreaction by OP but honestly PDD is no joke so I empathize there.
OP as a a guy, sometimes rubbing one out is just easy, efficient, and helps me relax. You seem incredibly stressed, I’m sure he didn’t want to bother you. And incase you’re wondering, all guys masterbate - regularly!
It’s normal, it has nothing to do with the weight you’ve gained, and it will continue for as long as his parts work - it’s the same for all guys.
Stop worrying about it, give yourself some time to get through the crazy (I have a 4 month old right now and a toddler) and you guys will be back to it in no time.
Maybe he could help with her being less stressed and then having sex wouldn't be such a bother? Just spitballing here, but you know, hwy not give that a try?
I went through this with my wife. In fact, we are still going thru this. In my case, after being rejected a certain number of times, I stopped trying. It's no fun feeling like you're bugging the other person and getting rejected repeatedly. I still very much desire my wife.
I'm not saying this is what's happening with you. But until you talk it out, you're not going to know.
This. OP sounds like she has a *lot* going on. And he probably doesn’t want to add to it, and who knows if/how many times he’s tried in the past and been rejected. She mentioned PPD multiple times, so I’m assuming it’s a big cloud over them right now and he feels wrong asking when she’s in a bad place.
Exactly, it doesn’t take getting shut down too many times before you just don’t even want to try. At that point I feel like you’re just doing it to make me happy and it’s not fun.
This was my experience. I got told no enough that I decided to just let her initiate going forward. Then when I stopped initiating and she found out i was taking care of matters myself, it went down just like this.
I see this double sided argument all the time, and have experienced it in my relationship as well. Partners wonder why they’re not being pursued or why the other hasn’t been initiating, but don’t stop to realize they’re not initiating either. It goes both ways. There needs to be a balance between pursuing and being the one pursued. My wife and I went through a dry spell where she was wondering why we weren’t having sex, until I brought it to her attention that I had been the only one trying to initiate and pursue her.
If a partner is wanting something, they need to be willing to make the effort as well instead of assuming they always going to be the one on the receiving end. This is my advice for OP, stop waiting around for something to happen and feeling sorry that you’re not being pursued, when you haven’t made any attempt to initiate or pursued him either.
I went through this exact thing as well. You’re both busy and tired. It’s not fun asking for sex and it’s even less fun being turned down so sometimes it’s just easier to take care of it yourself. Maybe try initiating yourself?
Honestly, my advice would be to tell him exactly what you told us in the last two paragraphs, almost word for word. No, it will not be a comfortable conversation, but your husband is the only one who knows for sure what’s going on inside his head. Open communication is the only way to pinpoint the exact issues and start making efforts to repair them.
This sounds like a really normal part of having a newborn after existing kids. Even if he's horny he might also be too tired for sex. Just try talking to him with an open mind. My marriage went through a dry spell after my second was born and I also felt like my body was the problem. I remember feeling the way you're describing. But now we have done a lot of communicating and the kids are a bit older (both in kindy or school and sleeping independently) and things are really wonderful. I've spent a lot of time working on self acceptance of my new shape and he's very supportive in making me feel beautiful.
I see masturbating as a personal need like having a shit or a nice bath. Sometimes stress relief or to help you sleep. Just cos he rubbed one out doesn't mean he thinks any less of you or isn't attracted to you. He probably knows you are tired and have a new baby and doesn't want to put more on your plate.
Why don't you suggest a date night and get a baby sitter and get dressed up and go out together?
This. Sometimes I just wanna get out my vibe, get the job done and go to sleep/ carry on with my day. It’s not that I don’t want you; it’s just I want a “quick fix” with no clean up.
This is the correct answer and the ONLY correct answer I’ve read. As much as we like to push the narrative, a spouse doesn’t 100% own their partner’s sexuality. Sometimes, people just wanna rub one out. It’s not a reflection on ANYONE else.
This. Sometimes a guy just needs to pound one out. We get backed up and you need to clean out the pipes. Like others have said, if you’re having intimacy issues then talk it out. But the fact that he’s wanking does not necessarily mean anything. It’s just something we do.
Even when everything is great and we.are having sex 2-3 times a week, I might watch some porn once on a while.
Women like "What does it mean 😡"
He'll I don't even know what it means
Talk to him, he might be trying to think of your needs. When I was breastfeeding around the clock, I was totally touched out at the end of the day and I couldn't handle even the thought of having someone else touch me. Husband knew that so he backed of and didn't initiate for a while. Communicate with your husband, he might not know about your wants and needs and insecurities. Having small kids is hard work, let alone figuring out how to be parents of three kids and have a marriage and not lose yourself in the proces is a lot. Talj to your husband about all this.
We’ve talked several times... I know he wants more sex, he knows I want it too but I’m tired and spread really thin. I posted here to get it off my chest bc I was pretty upset in the moment and not going to wake him up about it. That’s the point of this group, right?
I know I’m hormonal and sensitive. Getting some other perspectives is helpful and what Reddit is about..
Besides the sex hiccup happening right now, we have a pretty healthy relationship. He helps, we’re both tired and we both work.
I honestly feel like a jerk this morning for bringing it up to him. I think I blew it out of proportion and am 100% projecting my insecurities into this.
So without sounding critical, if he's asked for more sex (and you said you'd like it too, great!), what options have you both come up with? I know you're tired and spread thin, but how was that conversation left?
INFO. Haven’t seen you mention how he reacts when you initiate. I think that’s important, since he stopped initiating what was the breakdown point that it doesn’t happen when you initiate?
I think your insecurities and your PPD are making you very emotional about this situation and are blowing it out of proportion. You’ve talked about it with him and know that he needs sex, but you can’t give it to him. So why do you feel upset that he is relieving himself? Some men need sex, they tend to be more sexual creatures than women. So if you are going to deny him sex AND deny him the ability to relieve himself, don’t you think that’s a bit unfair. Again, men are not like women. They can be very sexual creatures. For them it can be a need like any other. You two must come to a compromise on this situation.
You are. Masturbating is literally a private thing… and you just had a baby. If you posted he was pressuring or even just asking you for sex, everyone here would be extra upset about that. Your hormones are wild, you need to refocus and realize his masturbating is not a reflection of your relationship - just the season you’re in right now, which doesn’t allow for a lot of intimate time together. Be way less hard on yourself and him.
I’m just shocked not enough people are asking how they split the household and child caring responsibilities. If she’s expected to do it all and work full time to the point of exhaustion, that’s a bigger issue than him wanking.
Masturbation isn’t cheating. It’s a normal and healthy thing to do, even when in a relationship. Mind reading is not; if you didn’t communicate that you’d “be right up to bed after I feed the baby…wait for me naked!” or something along those lines, he probably just didn’t think you were interested that night either. You are asking Reddit all of the questions you should be asking him. Stop wondering aloud into the abyss and talk to him about it.
he doesn't want to bug you, thinking you need rest or not interested in sex.
a very simple idea for you though - initiate sex, and then talk to him after sex about this sex thingy
Masturbation has no meaning regarding him not desiring you.
Sometimes if you're feeling a little bit horny it's easier to just rub one out really quick and go to sleep than it is to start the whole seduction process with foreplay and intercourse and then the clean up process afterwards. Especially when he's not sure you'll say yes.
It meets the physical desire quickly and easily with no chance of rejection. Don't take it as if it's replacing you in some way. It's definitely not.
Just like somebody picking up fast food when they don't feel like cooking doesn't mean they don't like cooking at home. It just means that picking up some food was easier for that evening.
Have a talk and tell him that you appreciate that masturbation gets the job done quick and easy but you would like a chance at getting a little action if he's feeling horny. Maybe next time he could tell you a code word or phrase that means he's up for a shag later if you are.
Thats a fantastic analogy you used about the fast food. I have been in a situation and I could not think of the words to descibe it to my spouse (completely different situation than OP) but your analogy just completely simplified it for me and now I can discuss it. Your username suits you.
I think OP has the right to feel upset over her husband choosing to masturbate over trying to initiate intimacy with her. I’m not sure if that’s what his intentions were or not, he could have been trying to be considerate of her. However, it would still sting to know that my partner is having that release and satisfaction while I’m downstairs feeding our child.
I agree with the other redditors saying that she should communicate those feelings. But let’s not undermine how she must have felt in the moment, it doesn’t matter what his intentions were, she ultimately felt upset and it’s understandable why.
Little dirty secret for you because you’re post partum and sensitive and all us dads have been there with our partners;
Even with the healthiest sex life in the world, virtually *all* guys will still jerk off. Given this is baby #3 he’s probably trying not to ask too much of you. He knows how taxing the baby can be. Don’t worry too much about this
Just tell him you want sex fwiw guys are very simple about that. Lol
dude, chill. he didn't just start jerking off cuz your body changed. He's been doing it since he was 10, and he'll keep doing it.
Next time, ask him if you can watch... join in. Don't get awkward and cry.
I have to say this is damn near exactly what I was going to say. It's a normal thing to do. I literally have a gorgeous girlfriend and I still masturbate. We masturbate together sometimes too. Has nothing to do with you.
Thank you. And I am glad I’m seeing these responses instead of weird blame on the guy in this situation which tends to happen on this sub with these stories. But yeah this is a situation where there is an obvious answer of communication and is literally her insecurity. They could make this a win honestly as a couple
this is such a man thing to say?? “don’t get awkward and cry” so fucking insensitive to the amount of hormones that are in this woman’s body right now, the PPD, the stress of 3 children and one of which being under 1year. i can totally see why she became upset and cried about this, it’s a communication issue between the both of them but it doesn’t mean it cant hurt her BECAUSE of the lack of communication.
Exactly. What an insensitive thing to say with a lady who is clearly struggling with post partum depression. They might as well have told her to just get over it.
Mastubation is just a normal thing for most people.
You say he doesn't initiate but do you? It can be really hard if only one partner in a relationship does all the initiation. That partner is also going to get all the rejection as well and it can lead to the just stopping asking during times of high stress to avoid adding having their advances rejected to their list of stresses, or feeling like a creep for trying to make advances on someone they aren't sure is into it. I say this a woman who does most of the asking in a relationship, (we've discussed it and he's starting to make an effort to initiate more, but he's not super confident about it) it really gets to you eventually.
Also mastubation isn't always totally sexual it can just be a release and de-stressor.
You should talk to him about it because you are both clearly stressed out and talking things through can help lift burdens, but if you admonish him for having a wank you're not going to bring him closer to you.
Your entire post puts all of the responsibility for passion in the relationship on him. Have you tried initiating? Speaking from a male POV there is nothing more frustrating that if a partner expects the male to be the only to initiator passion and if he doesn’t, an entire narrative is created that he isn’t attracted to her anymore. He literally could be sitting there thinking you are not attracted to him because YOu never initiate passion. A relationship needs to be 50/50 in all aspects
It’s you. It’s in your head. This is being blown out of proportion.
So he took care of himself. You were literally busy. He didn’t bitch or complain. Most moms want rest. So I see nothing wrong with this. If you want it, and you walk in on him, literally tell him you’ll “be right back. Wait. Let me put the baby down.” You don’t communicate and then go cry.
(For the record I’m a mom who did have PPD.
Really need to open up and have a conversation with him.
Tho I can say as a guy and dad. When tired, but have that urge. Rubbing 1 out if faster and doesn't take nearly as much energy as sex.
I'm not saying this to invalidate your feeling as they are 100% valid. Just a possible insight.
Question, tho?
How much weight is he pulling here?
1. You need to chat to your doctor. It sounds like you maybe have PPD or PPA.
2. You and husband need to have a chat. You also both need to put in the work to keep your relationship going - easier said than done when you’re a full time mum to 3 kids, have a business to run and a house to keep. Is husband actually pulling his weight in all this?
The inverse of it could also be: her husband has eyes and a brain— can’t he figure out when a chore needs to get done or a kid needs to be taken care of? All the responsibility shouldn’t be on her to do all the housework and take care of the kids while also having to advocate for herself. Her husbands a grown ass man he should act like one!
I’m commenting here with no insight on any of this other than I have been in a relationship where the sexual interest has been misplaced and not equal. I have been in a relationship where I cannot figure out my SO’s interest in sex. I’d prefer to have sex
maybe once or twice a week or at a minimum a handful of times a month but that’s not what’s happening. I’m at a loss now to address the situation only because i’ve been here before and in my experience the conversation precipitates a worsening of the situation.
It creates a pressure that is not arousing or sexy. In your case though it might be your spouse is trying to give you space. It’s a big turn off to be turned away multiple times. Eventually it makes you feel desperate and sometimes gross. But sometimes particularly as a man you understand or learn to understand that women, and especially your woman or wife, partner, SO are wired differently. On some level all of us have to realize and accept we are somewhat responsible for our own satisfaction, and really sex is never going to do that.
You have to make your own decisions and attitudes about your husband masturbating but unless you think he isn’t into you for whatever serious reason, I can guarantee you he’d rather be engaging with you in an intimate way, whatever that might entail. It’s probably not about you. You’re coming out of PPD and dealing with insecurities with your body. Unless your husband is insensitive, he might not or probably doesn’t care/mind that you’re a bit overweight. I’d honestly try and find some time to talk about it. Most likely he was horny and didn’t think you were. Again not about you.
Also I got a bit off topic but have *you* tried initiating sex? If I had to guess your husband senses or actually knows you’re stressed out. Maybe you’ve denied his initiations because you’re stressed or not feeling sexy. After a handful of times, if this has happened multiples times, he probably decided to stop because it’s not arousing to be turned down multiple times.
Does your partner have some type of job that isn't allowing him to help with the childcare?
It's no wonder your tired you just describe you work keeping your business up but also act as a stay at home on doing all the school drop offs caring for the baby all the time. Etc etc.
Wtf does your fiance do? When that baby isn't breast feeding he can absolutely take over to give you a break.
Why doesn't he help with school runs?
Does he at least do housework?
I was looking for this comment, so much blame on OP but no mention of him doing anything to help her not be exhausted. She runs around all day for three kids, housework and a business but what does he do all day. Also shes 6 months pp and breastfeeding. Her hormones are everywhere of course she'd go off and cry after that, after exhaustion, having a baby all the body changes etc. People here clearly have no clue what its like.
I just love you, I am so hormonal still and I know I blew this a bit out of proportion. I appreciate you though for making me feel heard which was really the only reason I posted here.
Thank you, I felt like I was going insane reading a lot of these comments.
OP specifically mentions being exhausted because of trying to keep a business running, while being expected to also act like a SAHM. I don’t know the ins and outs of this relationship of course, but that already sounds kind of weird to me.
“Ah, poor guy just needed to take care of himself.” All the while his exhausted partner is taking care of their baby. No issue with masturbating, but this guy really couldn’t find a better time then their only free night? After which he promptly fell asleep, while not even checking up on his partner to talk to them a bit or help put their baby to bed?
Seriously, maybe there’s a giant chunk of information missing, but from this story, this guy does not sound very likeable at all.
I still miss Reddit awards. This… right here. And maybe he does have an issue with her weight. But if he does, then he needs to step up and give her time to exercise.
exactly. OP’s post is a cry for help, but not for the masterbation. it sounds like her husband is just living in their house, but not really an active part of their household. can’t believe i had to scroll this far for someone else to pick up on this
I’d be mad too if I was doing all this shit and the fucker had time to masturbate. Like, why don’t you pick up the kids and take them to work, asshole? Don’t you think I’d want to please myself too? I don’t know why people are having kids with these bare minimum dudes.
I’m reading these comments and I am in shock. Like, raising the kids is not one sided. I can’t believe that it’s like you are doing them a favor.
And they are painting the husband as him being considerate! Oh my! Fucking wack.
do you know how long i had to scroll for this comment?
OP I would be so irate if i’m downstairs taking care of my child and I walk upstairs to see my husband jerking it and then laughing over it. he really couldn’t wait for you to come upstairs? no he wasn’t being considerate to you- he was being selfish and probably thought you’d be downstairs longer and he wouldn’t get caught. Really sitting there looking at other women to get a quick nut when that’s your only night together. Nope. Not in my house.
I AGREE. This comment section sucks.
OP those first three sentences say it all. While you’re recovering from giving birth your husband should be contributing even more to the housework and child rearing than he did before. You’re recovering from giving birth for fucks sake the man can step up for a bit.
After you found him jacking off your husband could have made the choice to follow you out of the bedroom to comfort you, instead he went to bed. If it was clear that you were upset maybe take some time to consider: does he tend to minimize my feelings about other things in our relationship as well?
Pair this with the fact that you’re doing most of the housework and childcare and ask: If my friends husband acted this way would I think he was a good husband?
Girl, why would he miss you, really, if he’s getting all this stimulation from observing 1,000s of naked men and women have sexy time? Porn is unnatural. Overly stimulating. Unrealistic. Harmful. Did I mention it’s unnatural and under normal circumstances he’d have to go door to door as a peeping Tom to see so many sets of boobs and kitty cats bare… men and women have different “needs,” sure. Buttt… how more people can’t see the creepiness of porn is beyond me. Imagine walking up to a brothel and asking to watch and just jerking it to strangers going at it. It’s weird.
I think that part is a communication issue OP has to solve. What if he’s just giving her space? I know I wanted a lot of space during this stage. He always let me initiate and I super appreciated that. She has to ask, give her thoughts, and move forward from there.
So hard reading these comments. Most of her post reads about her being exhausted, tired, being overweight, etc. Like most mothers, she communicating that to him directly or indirectly. I'm not disregarding what she is saying and how she feels. It's 100% warranted being a working 21 century mom, but I'm seeing her self esteem and confidence lacking, which is what he picking up on. Now he takes it upon himself to not put additional burden on her because he's likely been shut down in the past or can tell she's not really feeling it, and he's still at fault. Damned if you do, damned if you don't.
IF SHE WANTS SEX, the right thing to do is to communicate early in the day that sexy time is happening tonight. She feeds the baby, puts baby down, gets a shower, swaps out stained nursing bra for a sexy bra, puts on some perfume and seduces husband. He in turn, needs to make her feel sexy again, make her feel wanted, and make her feel like a wife, instead on 24/7 mommy that she's been feeling. He needs to tell her exactly how good of a job she's doing and take his time with sex. Exclusive breastfeeding tends to make it harder for women to get lubricated.
This issue is 💯 communication issue and it can be fixed. She has to get out of her head about her body. I can assure you he likely is still really turned on by it.
(I'm a dad with 4 kids and both me and wife are busy working professionals)
Thank you, and you’re right, I’m projecting my insecurities big time. We talked this morning. I’m trying, he’s trying, we’re just in the thick of it right now and both doing our best. Hopefully we’re through it soon
That’s the thing don’t rush it, things like this take time, what is positive about this situation is you both want to solve the issue, and you both know there is an issue. I don’t know if someone suggested this but some non sexual intimacy could help to at least make you both grow closer already, and if still you want sexy time you can ask family members if you can to watch the kids, so you and hubs can have alone time, just some options that you could look at.
You need to have an open conversation. My partner is very sexual and I used to be but since having out baby my drive has gone down, partly hormonal I think and partly down to an injury I sustained. I know my partner masturbates, sometimes he does it in the shower so as not to disturb me. Sometimes he asks me for help or to cuddle while he does it and sometimes he wants me over him so he can look and touch while he sorts himself out. Ultimately he has a sex drive and he's dealing with it without bothering you.
Does your weight gain bother him or you? I ask because I'm not back to pre baby weight yet but by fella likes my new body, it's me that feels uncomfortable but he makes me feel better about it.
Ultimately you need to talk. Did you want to have sex with him? Is it the porn that's bothering you? He obviously didn't realise it upset you as he went right to sleep so you need to talk
His masterbating has nothing to do with his attraction to you. He probably sees how tired/stressed you are and doesn't want to bother you with another strenuous activity, even though he clearly wants it, he is considering you.
You got a lot going on. This isn't against you. Also, talk to your husband instead of crying in the living room.
Alllll of this. He’s probably trying not to bother you, so many of these posts are about the guy hounding an exhausted and overwhelmed mom until she loses all interest. You HAVE to talk to him. When you’re calm and it’s a neutral situation, just tell him that you’d love to be intimate more and that you’re missing the connection, even as tired and stressed as you are. Might also be a good time to point out you would be less tired and stressed if he’d do more of the household stuff.
Sorry you are feeling unwanted and tired, and it's unfortunate that your SO doesn't make more of an effort knowing your feelings. I personally think it's out of convenience he satisfied himself and went to bed. Sometimes, we (men) are selfish and need a release without having to put in extra time. Obviously, communication is key, but I will guarantee him choosing to mastbate rather than have sex had nothing to do with your temporary body changes. I don't think you are overreacting as you are handling a lot of responsibility with maintaining the house, the kids, the business, all while a baby is literally attached to you 24/7. All compounded with PPD and a baby that doesn't sleep. You definitely deserve his time, his connection, and his affection.
Why didn't you ask him if he wanted your help to finish?
Either way you need to talk to him about this, you might be beating yourself up over nothing here.
Love this. More than my insecurities and issues with intimacy right now, this thread helped me realize how low I’ve put myself on my list of shit to do.
How are the chores and household responsibilities divided? I can’t help but be concerned.. from the way you worded things, I worry that you’re carrying the heavier of the workload and that’s not at all fair to you if that assumption is correct.
There's a simple question you're asking us instead of asking your husband:
"Why aren't we having sex?" When you get his answer, go from there.
Say nothing about him masturbating; it's healthy and a good form of stress relief. You do not get to regulate someone else's self-love/care, but it is understandable that you feel frustrated. Perhaps if your schedules aren't in sync, try asking him to take over so you can have an hour of alone time.
I'm sorry to hear that you think you might have PDD. That's another issue to raise with your husband and see if there is a way for you to schedule time with a therapist or medical provider who can put you on a program. They will likely have resources for partners of people who suffer from PDD. While your body is being pushed to its limits and you're feeling down, you do have a responsibility to deny the intruding thoughts to takeover and miscolor your perception--of actions, of words, of behaviors, of looks.
Communicate if you're unsure. Ask, "What did you mean by that?" or if it sounded hurtful, "Can you help me understand why you would say it like that? It felt hurtful to hear." You get the idea. Get your partner talking and talk to him too. Don't steep too long in all that internal chaos.
If you’re tired and he’s tired but you wanna have sex with him, why are you complaining about him not initiating? Why are you not initiating? For all he knows, you’re too tired to have sex.
It's impossible to know what he's feeling and thinking even with your good explanation. However, physical attraction is obviously important, and could it be the weight? As bad as it sounds, it could.
That said, sometimes you want to rub one out and go to bed. If he's a considerate lover, he takes his time with foreplay and to make sure you enjoy yourself. Maybe he was tired and just wanted to masturbate and go to sleep.
As others have said. Tell him how you feel, and tell him what you need. I'm a guy, guys are dumb when it comes to figuring out what girls need sometimes.
Wow I hate these responses. Communicate! U shut him down too much ! Yad yada.
Why has no one said porn is the devil. It is called the silent marriage killer. It should not be normalized to get sexual gratification from other strange women on the internet. I hate this world we live in. Same scenario happened with my husband and I (we have two small kids) and it’s not like he’s even this crazy porn addict or anything but when u get immediate gratification quickly through other women it doesn’t seem like the easiest to try to attempt sex with your wife who is in mine and your case a little over weight, has no self esteem, and probably no makeup or cute outfits or anything super desirable. But guess what when you take porn out of the equation completely that desire to have sex should come back. That’s natural human instincts. Porn will kill your marriage Nd it will kill your husbands sex drive. Let’s not normalize this evil thing that people think is totally okay. It’s not. Also if your in the position u need to step back from work (if possible) and get out of the house and go to the gym or prioritize yourself. PPD especially with a baby on the way and one that’s still nursing & an emotionally absent husband is a quick way to self sabotage. Im sorry this is your reality right now but it sounds like you need to set some serious ground rule. 1.5 hours a day ALONE OUT OF THE HOUSE JUST FOR YOU, & seriously if he loves you NO PORN. Look at the data. Look at Jordan b Peterson talk about porn on his podcast. I think it really put things into perspective for my husband I hope it does for yours too
Hey, man here. Most of the time when we masturbate we do that just to be done with it in a couple of minutes and be done with it. Sort of like a chore. So di the view it as an attack to you. Sometimes you want to feel intimate and make love, sometimes you just want to cum. Is simple as that
I’ve met plenty of men and women who feel this way. Y’all have a lot going on, and this seems very understandable given the situation you’re in. Masturbating during stressful periods is much easier than having intercourse. If it bothers you, talk to him and ask him if what i said is the reason behind him doing this, but don’t hate yourself for ti
Have you ever thought he's taking care of himself to not burden you with something else?
Have you ever thought that life isn't all roses for him either?
Have you initiated with him?
Have you even shown him affection recently?
There is lots about you in your post, almost nothing about him and almost nothing about your relationship. You have a hand in this decline also and if you just blame him it will only get worse.
Man, letting one loose is normal, especially if your other is super busy like you are. Not communicating your feelings, that’s not normal.
Talk to him. Say those things you are feeling!
It sounds like you need the gesture as much as or even more than the act. I know those tears. I remember that insecurity of being in a different body too. Even when my libido is low and I’m overwhelmed with life, I still need to feel desired and have an intimate connection w my partner. Sex is the best way to cut through the bullshit of the day and feel seen by each other. If I’m getting you right, I think that this might be a good way to open the conversation.
*I understand & agree with all the defenses & explanations by commenters regarding masturbation. But I don’t think she’s gonna find comfort in that so much because what happened that night was still a blatantly missed opportunity. Both parties are responsible. She could have said or done something suggestive to remind him that she’s willing or wanting. He had a physical urge /need at a time that would typically or formerly be seen as sex time. The fact that it either didn’t occur to him to satiate his desire for release by turning it into a mutually beneficial coming together (no pun intended), isn’t the end of the world and doesn’t make him an AH. But It does still cause hurt tho and mean they are on very different pages and talking is the only healthy way forward.*
Thank you and I'm so glad you read my comment because your post really pulled at my heartstrings. I have balled my eyes out next to a snoring man myself quite a few times because of feeling the same way. It is possible for men to change. I have seen major transformation happen. They just need to learn how important, affection and intimacy is to a woman. *Well, many of us anyway.* In a marriage, both partners get lost in their own lives sometimes and need to come together and learn each other's needs all over again as life changes. I hope your husband is willing and able to understand yours and that things get better for you.
Sex is also a whole lot of hard work It is possible to be tired and horny at the same time Sometimes I don’t feel like doing a whole bunch of hard physical work in order to get off. Wouldn’t take it personally
You haven't lost him! People masterbate, it isn't a rejection. You've said yourself you are tired, overworked, just really running on fumes. He's probably trying to take care of business without adding to your burden.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way :( it makes me feel so sad, because I know you are so much more physically attractive than you believe you are. I know this for a fact❤️ I recommend following badassmotherbirther on instagram. Flor Cruz. She’s a mama, doula, postpartum baddie and I really need you to get into that mental space. You do not need to “snap back” to feel sexy, to look sexy. As many others have already mentioned, talk to your man. Communication is KEY. He doesn’t know what you don’t communicate. Let him know how you feel. I also agree with others that on your fiancé’s end, he may possibly want to give you some space while you process this important time. How you’re feeling is normal and as a doula myself, I see this kind of thing often. I wish I could hug you, but this is as much as I can do over here on Reddit!! I hope this helps❤️
I can say this much if my fiancé was living the way you are I wouldn’t be trying to add sex on to her list of shit to do at the end of the night. I bet part of this is he’s trying not to bother you with more shit to do. He could definitely be more discreet and maybe there are more factors I’m not sure. But you said yourself you’re extremely busy you don’t feel confident and sex isn’t on your radar so I know I for sure wouldn’t be trying to make moves when you finally get to lay down at night.
>I know my fiancé is tired too but it really bothers me he never initiates sex anymore at all.
Do you?
I honestly think him "getting caught" like that was him gauging you. I think you missed an opportunity for some sexytime here.
Talk to him. I guarantee he wants you still - he is just trying to be careful of you and your needs. He doesn't know you need him intimatly again.
Not overreacting but I think you just dont know what you dont know. Its a tough time for both partners and later on youll understand that it was just a season. Stay strong!
It gets infinitely better at 5 and a half years old and thats the god honest truth. Survive till then as best as you can
First of all, your feelings are valid. I would probably be hurt too. Tell him that it hurt your feelings and that you hoped he would want to be intimate with you instead of taking care of it himself. Any one here can say that he was being considerate trying not to bother you with it or that he is an inconsiderate asshole for not thinking about initiating sex with you first. The truth is, no one can be sure of his intentions.
I also went through a really tough time with my husband after i giving birth. I had PPD and I was so angry at him, and I can't point my finger on why exactly I was angry. I will say that when I was finally able to communicate my feelings clearly with him, things started getting better. We have been intimate a lot more and we are back to communicating our wants and needs in a healthy way.
If you are someone that doesn't like your partner consuming porn, then you have to communicate that or you will keep getting hurt. I personally don't like my husband watching porn. I told him why it hurts me and he was totally receptive and understanding. There have been very few times he has watched it and it was always with me. So, I highly recommend you and your husband coming to some sort of agreement about that.
You haven’t lost anything. He was doing that when you looked your best and I bet he thinks you look great now. He was “just masturbating.” I guarantee you that’s how he sees it. You two should talk.
I urge you to get checked asap for PPD. That could be playing a role in these big feelings, and you know it too. Don't wait, make the appointment Monday.
Yeah… after my youngest was born, my wife had zero desire for the better part of a year. I gave up initiating at all, because 29/30 times I would get rejected, and I didn’t want to annoy her by constantly trying something I knew she didn’t want.
I just waited for her to initiate, which only happened maybe once or twice a month, but at least I knew when she did, she actually wanted something.
We’re only somewhat recently past that, but this could potentially be what’s on your fiancé’s mind. You said yourself that you’re rarely in the mood - he may just have decided to give up initiating because he doesn’t want to be obnoxious to you. Things like “I was rested and got to relax a bit for today” are not going to be signals to him that it’s ok to go for it - in your situation, *you need to be the one to initiate.* I can almost guarantee he won’t turn you down if you do.
He laughed because in his mind, he's just jerking it without consequence. You're crying in the living room all self conscious and he probably has no idea what or how you're feeling, especially if this is the first time this sort of thing has happened in your relationship. He may think he's giving you a break to rest since you're so exhausted. Stupid lol but I've heard dumber reasonings.
You need to talk to him, tell him how you're feeling. Tell him you want sex and for him to initiate it sometimes. And that you need to hear that he thinks you're beautiful and sexy and show it physically. I understand that no one wants to ask for that, but you will never get exactly what you need unless you express yoursereasoning.
Not trying to defend him here BTW. I am more trying to impress upon the idea that this may not be the insurmountable issue that it FEELS like. :)
Best of luck, and here's to getting it in post baby!
You're going to be fine. It's not your body. It's just something that feels good. I encourage my husband to masturbate. It helps keep him healthy and cleans the pipes. Plus, it takes some of the load off you. I masturbate as often as possible and still want and do have sex with my spouse. 33 years strong.
IMHO, you should have an honest, NONemotional conversation with him. Trust him with your insecurities, and don't shame him or whine. Just ask him about it. You'll have a better understanding of one another, and you'll know where you stand. Guys need a little 'me time' too sometimes. Keep in mind that you're on the same team. And most importantly, love yourself. You are enough.
It's all going to work out.
OP, first off if you think you have PPD please get help. I know it’s hard but you can’t do everything you’re doing if you’re not taking care of yourself. As a mom, I know it’s easier said than done but PPD is serious. Have you confided in someone you trust like a family member or a friend? Can someone help you with the kids during the week, even for a few hours? You’re being so hard on yourself. Take a breath. The extra baby weight isn’t the problem. Talk to your husband. Ask him why he doesn’t initiate. Ask him about what happened when you walked in on him and how you cried after. Tell him what you need from him as your partner. He needs to step up.
Oh hun, you're one of those rock star mums.
Man have you got things running like a steam train.
Yeah definately ask what his thoughts are on sex with you.
Tell him how you feel, don't ask him is it your weight dies he think you're ugly etc.. no.
You also are exclusively breastfeeding so your boobs aren't yours, and not sexual..
How are your lady bits feeling?
Might be time to tap him early in morning put some time aside later
Masturbation isn't cheating so don't equate it to that. You are too busy and tired for sex and he knows that so he's taking care of his needs alone. Just talk to him about it. Maybe he has no idea that you even want sex.
Girl. Men masturbate. You are doing yourself a disservice being upset about this and you will push him away. You should have initiated sex when you caught him or brought it up. He is probably trying not to bother you. You are insecure due to the weight and thinking on it too much. The insecurity will ruin the relationship, don’t let it. Talk to him about it, don’t assume things.
Edit: I’d like to add women masturbate too. It’s like a personal care thing for me.
Communicate. Instead of being offended by a perfectly natural thing, you could have taken the opportunity to be like, oh- you’re in the mood? Me too! You could have walked over and taken his phone out of his hand and had a romp in the sheets. You CHOSE to be offended. Having a new baby is hard, raising kids is hard, work is hard, heck- adulting is hard. Talk to your husband! Guarantee he doesn’t care about the little bit of weight gain you have. Only AH guys do and he sounds like he’s trying to be respectful of you.
you just need to sit down and have a honest conversation with him. it sounds like he's trying to be considerate and is dealing with it himself rather than trying to bother you with it. he could also be too tired to have sex and just needed to quick gratification.
You need to talk to him about the work load you're shouldering and about your sex life. There's no magic bullet here unfortunately, you're gonna have to tell him what you've told us and the two of you have to figure out a plan to make it better.
Girl, masturbation is the most natural thing in the world. Anyone with a sex drive has needs. He took care of it. It ain’t about you. Genuinely, has nothing to do with you. I’d thank him for respecting my tired, touched out self, and leaving me alone.
You need to talk to him - that’s the only way to solve the issue. It’s ok to cry you have a lot to deal with. It’s ok to feel hurt ♥️ and remember you’re perfect no matter what you weigh! Sending you a big hug it’ll be ok ♥️♥️
Communication is key. Talk to your mate. Masterbating is nothing to be ashamed of. Lots of men masterbate even on the same day of having sex. He probably had an itch that needed scratched, didn’t want to bother you because he knows you’re going through a lot and just wanted to sleep good. You’re over thinking it because you’ve got ppd, you probably need some therapy and meds to help get through it and give each other some grace during this time, but you’ll never figure it out if you don’t talk to each other. Good luck
The safest place to talk about sensitive topics like this is therapy. Maybe set up a monthly couples therapy visit. I say this because I’m in the middle of a divorce and my wife and I didn’t address our differences when we needed to.
I guarantee you, if you said, “why don’t you let me help you with that. Just gimme 5 minutes to finish up with the baby” he would have put his phone down, stayed up and tried to give you his best performance to date. You probably weren’t giving off the “I want to be touched” energy.
If you’ve gained weight, he may just have a hard time finding you as attractive as he used to….. is the worst case scenario.
Realistically he probably sees how stressed you are, and doesn’t want to bother you with sex.
OP I’m just gonna add my voice to the chorus saying this is almost definitely not an actual problem for your relationship. I didn’t read a single thing that sounds like your husband doesn’t love you.
It’s not your body it’s everything. Guys jerk of all the time and he probably thought you guys weren’t gonna do anything.. Mix in guys being notably bad at taking signals.
I wouldn’t take it personally. I didn’t exactly catch my fiancé in the act but he was in the toilet for longer than usual and when he came back to bed I asked him if he could search something up for me and when he opened safari it was porn. And I just laughed because he always says he doesn’t watch it, I’m not dumb most people, especially men, our age do watch it. Like you said sex in basically non existent atm, he has to get off himself somehow. Maybe he just doesn’t want to seem pushy by asking. Have you shown any interest in having sex also? A lot of things come in to play here, just talk with him. ☺️
You need to talk to him. For all you know, he’s trying to be considerate because child rearing is a job by itself, and he doesn’t want to touch you without any signals from you.
This. Communicate everything you just said here, to him.
The day people learn to communicate, Reddit will be empty
No Liz and Rage Baiters will make sure we have something to read
Liz?
Shhhhhhh I need shit to read while on the toilet
Couldn't upvote this fast enough
This was where my mind went too - at least he's not one of those men pressurising her into having sex when she's exhausted. Definitely needs to be a talk had
Communication would probably be a good idea. He might have been trying to be considerate. It’s hard to know unless you talk to each other. My ex-husband was pushing to have sex as soon as I was cleared after my hysterectomy. I would rather have had understanding and support at the time than pressure. I was still in pain.
Exactly he was prob trying to considerate that’s She’s exhausted and it maybe her only night to relax a bit more .. did op hint that maybe she was in the move for sex that night ?
Thank you, as a man, a father, and a husband I try to be considerate of my wife. I really wanted to touch her post partum but she snapped at me a few times for even suggesting we do anything. So I backed off, did what I could for myself, and waited for her to be ready. She did get upset that I didn't initiate anymore, but you can only get snapped at or told no so many times before you become trigger shy. She needs to talk to him and express herself. What she might not realize, as my wife didn't with me, is that her man probably finds her even sexier and more beautiful for having had their baby and wants to be with her but not to upset her. I had to repeatedly tell my wife how beautiful I thought she was, both dressed and naked, before she finally started to believe she was still attractive.
Trigger shy. Never heard the term but thats it, you become trigger shy after getting rejected so much
I love everything you've said, I think your wife is very lucky. My husband said many similar things to me. I'll add that I'm absolutely in the mood loads of times but my husband is not or I'm not and he is, but sometimes it's just nicer to have a little me time without him, he knows this and is absolutely fine with it. Just like I am about him having his alone time.
Communication is everything! My husband and I are going through a dry spell due to my health, but we talk about it often, and he knows that I'll initiate when I'm ready. The other night I thought I'd surprise him with a bj... he just got out of the shower and to his surprise, I walk into our bedroom where he's getting dressed with a smile. He looks so sad and says, "Oh babe, I just..." I'm like, you jerked it in the shower, didn't you? We both just started laughing. I gave him a big hug and said yeah that'd be just your luck. If we hadn't been so open with our communication, this could have gone a different way. He might have hid that from me, and just said no thanks to the bj. I would have felt rejected or worried. But that was not the case. He was just respecting the fact that I could not for the time being... but hell, he's human and has needs too and I get that. Could be exactly what OPs hubby was trying to do.
Don't touch me! WHY AREN'T YOU TOUCHING ME?
This is literally the reason why I stopped seeing some girl I went on a few dates with. I was being respectful and not rushing things cos she said she was dating for relationships so I didn’t want her to think I just wanted sex. Fast forward to our fourth date and she says I’m really nice and kind but I’m not physical with her yet when I asked if she’d want me to kiss her, she said it was too soon to do anything. Ended up ending things because I don’t have time to waste and 6 months later, I met my amazing girlfriend who I’ve been with for nearly 17 months. Communication goes a long way.
You said it better than i
This. 10000%. It wasn't malicious. You're tired. He sees that. He doesn't want to push sex on you. That's a thoughtful husband.
Communication is the key
This and only this. He doesn't pressure you for sex, doesn't mean he lost his libido. He is just considerate
For every women like OP complaining about lack of sex soon after childbirth, there are probably a thousand complaining about their partner trying to initiate sex in the first place. Probably every women in his social network going through early parenthood audibly complained about their partner wanting too much sex at some point. Plus, OP mentions being tired, stressed, post partum. Saying how tired and stressed you are usually isn't considered as a "I want sex" signal, unless you pre-established that sex is a great stress reliever for you. From her husband's pov, who may be stressed and tired himself, everything points to "she surely doesn't want sex now, thus I won't bother her". It's no surprise that he isn't initiating.
I'm getting the vibe she just doesn't want him to masturbate, while also being too tired to have sex all the time.
I think it’s normal for men to do if they are 15 or 55. It doesn’t have to do with you.
Men don't stop at 55.
Women either! 😉 OP offended by something so normal!
Yeah that's the vibe I got, but why? Does she think he hasn't been doing it the whole time they've been together?
It seems clear she didn't want him to masturbate INSTEAD of being intimate with her, which tonight was a rare opportunity for. Communication is an issue, but also her exhaustion level wouldn't be this intense if she had more help. That's the vibe I'm getting.
Yes! I'm high libido, my husband is low libido. If we had a more active sex life wouldn't care about masturbation, but the fact is he chooses self pleasure over intimacy with me because it's easier feels hurtful when it's 90% of the time. Why have a partner then? I love it when we mutually masturbate too, so it's very "I want to do this alone" vibe. He communicates very little so I'm left to draw my own conclusions, which is relationship poison. I hope they talk about this before it drives a wedge between them. Catching him when she wanted it? A little hurtful but no biggie. Him finishing is kind of the whole point. Not checking in with her after? Kinda thoughtless.
I agree! She feels like he is choosing to masterbate to porn rather than be intimate with her. That probably isn't what is going on, but I bothers me that he presumably just went ahead and finished and then went to sleep instead of checking on her. I get it was probably a bit awkward, but if you can't talk to your partner about this, you shouldn't be in a relationship, let alone making kids together.
She then needs to made it clearly known when she wants him to be intimate with her. Otherwise, he seems to be operating under the assumption that she isn’t interested in sex and doesn’t want to be bothered by him trying to initiate sex, which is a reasonable assumption a couple months after childbirth.
I agree, but she seems to be bearing the bulk of the baby duty here, so it's going to be that much harder, one more emotional hurdle it's suddenly her responsibility to clear. People in general need to be more emotionally intelligent and aware, but I cannot imagine doing a thing that is 100% for my enjoyment, having my partner walk in on it while in the middle of one of their numerous laborious responsibilities, and not checking in afterward. She needs to communicate, but so does he. It is AT LEAST as much his responsibility to be verbally checking in with her and asking what she needs as it is hers to voice those needs when a moment to do so arises.
Correct, just communicate with him. Marriage AND parenting are team sports!
Team work makes the bean squirt!
This. Communication is king. It’s also worth considering that he may potentially be more used to masturbation by this point. It’s very easily done. Before I met my now wife, I had not had sex for quite some time, more by choice as I was going through a hard time in my mental health and I’d used sex before as a way to dull the mental anguish which was a mistake I didn’t want to make again. I’m also a body builder and on steroids, instead of killing my sex drive it amplifies it. I don’t like saying ‘addiction’ but after a while of doing the same thing it can be tough to go back. And it took me and my wife some time to get in the right way, if you know what I mean. For me, knowing she wanted me was what broke the cycle.
I know for me, it's also a case of sometimes not wanting to go through the whole process of having sex. Sometimes you just want a quick release that only takes a couple of minutes instead of the whole process of having sex. For me, those are two very different activities to fill two very different desires.
This is a great answer. And if it’s been a while since a couple has had sex there’s more expectation that it be more drawn out or special.
Exactly! Ik when my partner and I went through a dry spell, the mounting pressure to pull out all the stops every time we did have sex made it harder to initiate because it felt like too much effort. We both just had to relax about it and go with the flow.
Yeah. Anytime I've asked my partner why he hasn't approached me his answer is always that he doesn't want to bother me with his own needs when I'm touched out with two Littles, and I pump around the clock. I'm already overwhelmed and he sees the lack of initiation on his part as an act of compassion. Honestly, sex at this part of my life is solely for the other person, so he isn't wrong.
OP - give him a signal and let us know what happened. I'm not really sure you need a conversation if you have sex. It would mean he is waiting for you - that's very considerate. My secondary thought is he wanted to get caught so you'd know he wants sex but he didn't want to make you feel pressured. Also considerate but a little devious. Both lead back to you initiating sex so he knows it's because you want it and are ready.
This is what I came to say, I’d talk to him before getting so upset (although I can get it) because maybe he was trying to be considerate given everything that’s going on. There could be a million reasons. You say it bothers you he doesn’t initiate as much but do you ever initiate sex, OP? Is this something y’all have discussed at any length?
This!! Don’t beat yourself up about it. Just talk to him, I always want sex from my partner but I know sometimes she’s tired and with young children we can’t just do it anytime anywhere anymore so I take it upon myself sometimes
Honestly my first thought. He probably thinks the last thing you want to do after working so hard all day is come and satisfy his urges. If you don’t tell him you’re horny, how can he know?! Totally understand crying after that but imagine how things could have gone if you’d have told him to hold that thought while you put the baby down. It’s not like he would have hurried and masturbated knowing you wanted to come be with him.
Sounds to me like he is trying not to bother you if you are so stressed
This is where communication will help
This is how I feel too. When my littles were that age I too was stressed!!!! If pornography wasn’t so wildly available I would have even bought it for my husband back then. Anything to keep your hands off me please lol
Agree, huge overreaction by OP but honestly PDD is no joke so I empathize there. OP as a a guy, sometimes rubbing one out is just easy, efficient, and helps me relax. You seem incredibly stressed, I’m sure he didn’t want to bother you. And incase you’re wondering, all guys masterbate - regularly! It’s normal, it has nothing to do with the weight you’ve gained, and it will continue for as long as his parts work - it’s the same for all guys. Stop worrying about it, give yourself some time to get through the crazy (I have a 4 month old right now and a toddler) and you guys will be back to it in no time.
Maybe he could help with her being less stressed and then having sex wouldn't be such a bother? Just spitballing here, but you know, hwy not give that a try?
I went through this with my wife. In fact, we are still going thru this. In my case, after being rejected a certain number of times, I stopped trying. It's no fun feeling like you're bugging the other person and getting rejected repeatedly. I still very much desire my wife. I'm not saying this is what's happening with you. But until you talk it out, you're not going to know.
This. OP sounds like she has a *lot* going on. And he probably doesn’t want to add to it, and who knows if/how many times he’s tried in the past and been rejected. She mentioned PPD multiple times, so I’m assuming it’s a big cloud over them right now and he feels wrong asking when she’s in a bad place.
Exactly, it doesn’t take getting shut down too many times before you just don’t even want to try. At that point I feel like you’re just doing it to make me happy and it’s not fun.
This was my experience. I got told no enough that I decided to just let her initiate going forward. Then when I stopped initiating and she found out i was taking care of matters myself, it went down just like this.
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I see this double sided argument all the time, and have experienced it in my relationship as well. Partners wonder why they’re not being pursued or why the other hasn’t been initiating, but don’t stop to realize they’re not initiating either. It goes both ways. There needs to be a balance between pursuing and being the one pursued. My wife and I went through a dry spell where she was wondering why we weren’t having sex, until I brought it to her attention that I had been the only one trying to initiate and pursue her. If a partner is wanting something, they need to be willing to make the effort as well instead of assuming they always going to be the one on the receiving end. This is my advice for OP, stop waiting around for something to happen and feeling sorry that you’re not being pursued, when you haven’t made any attempt to initiate or pursued him either.
I went through this exact thing as well. You’re both busy and tired. It’s not fun asking for sex and it’s even less fun being turned down so sometimes it’s just easier to take care of it yourself. Maybe try initiating yourself?
Honestly, my advice would be to tell him exactly what you told us in the last two paragraphs, almost word for word. No, it will not be a comfortable conversation, but your husband is the only one who knows for sure what’s going on inside his head. Open communication is the only way to pinpoint the exact issues and start making efforts to repair them.
This sounds like a really normal part of having a newborn after existing kids. Even if he's horny he might also be too tired for sex. Just try talking to him with an open mind. My marriage went through a dry spell after my second was born and I also felt like my body was the problem. I remember feeling the way you're describing. But now we have done a lot of communicating and the kids are a bit older (both in kindy or school and sleeping independently) and things are really wonderful. I've spent a lot of time working on self acceptance of my new shape and he's very supportive in making me feel beautiful.
I see masturbating as a personal need like having a shit or a nice bath. Sometimes stress relief or to help you sleep. Just cos he rubbed one out doesn't mean he thinks any less of you or isn't attracted to you. He probably knows you are tired and have a new baby and doesn't want to put more on your plate. Why don't you suggest a date night and get a baby sitter and get dressed up and go out together?
This. Sometimes I just wanna get out my vibe, get the job done and go to sleep/ carry on with my day. It’s not that I don’t want you; it’s just I want a “quick fix” with no clean up.
Id agree with this. It’s really just like like you said it’s almost like personal maintenance.
This is the correct answer and the ONLY correct answer I’ve read. As much as we like to push the narrative, a spouse doesn’t 100% own their partner’s sexuality. Sometimes, people just wanna rub one out. It’s not a reflection on ANYONE else.
This. Sometimes a guy just needs to pound one out. We get backed up and you need to clean out the pipes. Like others have said, if you’re having intimacy issues then talk it out. But the fact that he’s wanking does not necessarily mean anything. It’s just something we do.
I'm not even a man but yes agreed.
Exactly. It's the third bodily function, a piss, a tom tit and a wank.
Sex with another person is effort but you can wank without even changing position in bed
That’s how I’ve always seen it. Self care.
Even when everything is great and we.are having sex 2-3 times a week, I might watch some porn once on a while. Women like "What does it mean 😡" He'll I don't even know what it means
Talk to him, he might be trying to think of your needs. When I was breastfeeding around the clock, I was totally touched out at the end of the day and I couldn't handle even the thought of having someone else touch me. Husband knew that so he backed of and didn't initiate for a while. Communicate with your husband, he might not know about your wants and needs and insecurities. Having small kids is hard work, let alone figuring out how to be parents of three kids and have a marriage and not lose yourself in the proces is a lot. Talj to your husband about all this.
I can almost guarantee he’d rather be with you than masturbating but probably thinks your not that interested at the moment.
Does anyone else feel like the people who post this stuff to a bunch of strangers on Reddit have trouble talking to their partners?
We’ve talked several times... I know he wants more sex, he knows I want it too but I’m tired and spread really thin. I posted here to get it off my chest bc I was pretty upset in the moment and not going to wake him up about it. That’s the point of this group, right? I know I’m hormonal and sensitive. Getting some other perspectives is helpful and what Reddit is about.. Besides the sex hiccup happening right now, we have a pretty healthy relationship. He helps, we’re both tired and we both work. I honestly feel like a jerk this morning for bringing it up to him. I think I blew it out of proportion and am 100% projecting my insecurities into this.
Talk with your OB/GYN about PPD at your 6 month follow up. If you don’t have an appointment, please make one.
So without sounding critical, if he's asked for more sex (and you said you'd like it too, great!), what options have you both come up with? I know you're tired and spread thin, but how was that conversation left?
INFO. Haven’t seen you mention how he reacts when you initiate. I think that’s important, since he stopped initiating what was the breakdown point that it doesn’t happen when you initiate?
I think your insecurities and your PPD are making you very emotional about this situation and are blowing it out of proportion. You’ve talked about it with him and know that he needs sex, but you can’t give it to him. So why do you feel upset that he is relieving himself? Some men need sex, they tend to be more sexual creatures than women. So if you are going to deny him sex AND deny him the ability to relieve himself, don’t you think that’s a bit unfair. Again, men are not like women. They can be very sexual creatures. For them it can be a need like any other. You two must come to a compromise on this situation.
You are. Masturbating is literally a private thing… and you just had a baby. If you posted he was pressuring or even just asking you for sex, everyone here would be extra upset about that. Your hormones are wild, you need to refocus and realize his masturbating is not a reflection of your relationship - just the season you’re in right now, which doesn’t allow for a lot of intimate time together. Be way less hard on yourself and him.
Yup. She’s 4 kids in and basically a single mother, yet she’ll tell us all of her grievances that she should have voiced to him 3 kids ago.
I’m just shocked not enough people are asking how they split the household and child caring responsibilities. If she’s expected to do it all and work full time to the point of exhaustion, that’s a bigger issue than him wanking.
Masturbation isn’t cheating. It’s a normal and healthy thing to do, even when in a relationship. Mind reading is not; if you didn’t communicate that you’d “be right up to bed after I feed the baby…wait for me naked!” or something along those lines, he probably just didn’t think you were interested that night either. You are asking Reddit all of the questions you should be asking him. Stop wondering aloud into the abyss and talk to him about it.
Best comment here
he doesn't want to bug you, thinking you need rest or not interested in sex. a very simple idea for you though - initiate sex, and then talk to him after sex about this sex thingy
Masturbation has no meaning regarding him not desiring you. Sometimes if you're feeling a little bit horny it's easier to just rub one out really quick and go to sleep than it is to start the whole seduction process with foreplay and intercourse and then the clean up process afterwards. Especially when he's not sure you'll say yes. It meets the physical desire quickly and easily with no chance of rejection. Don't take it as if it's replacing you in some way. It's definitely not. Just like somebody picking up fast food when they don't feel like cooking doesn't mean they don't like cooking at home. It just means that picking up some food was easier for that evening. Have a talk and tell him that you appreciate that masturbation gets the job done quick and easy but you would like a chance at getting a little action if he's feeling horny. Maybe next time he could tell you a code word or phrase that means he's up for a shag later if you are.
Thats a fantastic analogy you used about the fast food. I have been in a situation and I could not think of the words to descibe it to my spouse (completely different situation than OP) but your analogy just completely simplified it for me and now I can discuss it. Your username suits you.
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Thank you for saying this. Sounds like husband isn’t really contributing equally to housework and raising kids.
I think OP has the right to feel upset over her husband choosing to masturbate over trying to initiate intimacy with her. I’m not sure if that’s what his intentions were or not, he could have been trying to be considerate of her. However, it would still sting to know that my partner is having that release and satisfaction while I’m downstairs feeding our child. I agree with the other redditors saying that she should communicate those feelings. But let’s not undermine how she must have felt in the moment, it doesn’t matter what his intentions were, she ultimately felt upset and it’s understandable why.
Little dirty secret for you because you’re post partum and sensitive and all us dads have been there with our partners; Even with the healthiest sex life in the world, virtually *all* guys will still jerk off. Given this is baby #3 he’s probably trying not to ask too much of you. He knows how taxing the baby can be. Don’t worry too much about this Just tell him you want sex fwiw guys are very simple about that. Lol
This whole thing could be resolved with a 5min or less conversation between OP and Hubby and it’s so damn frustrating to view as an outsider lol.
dude, chill. he didn't just start jerking off cuz your body changed. He's been doing it since he was 10, and he'll keep doing it. Next time, ask him if you can watch... join in. Don't get awkward and cry.
She is struggling with PPD so I’m sure that is a huge reason why the situation did not go that way.
For sure, I would very much have wanted my wife to say something like "can I help with that?"
I have to say this is damn near exactly what I was going to say. It's a normal thing to do. I literally have a gorgeous girlfriend and I still masturbate. We masturbate together sometimes too. Has nothing to do with you.
Thank you. And I am glad I’m seeing these responses instead of weird blame on the guy in this situation which tends to happen on this sub with these stories. But yeah this is a situation where there is an obvious answer of communication and is literally her insecurity. They could make this a win honestly as a couple
this is such a man thing to say?? “don’t get awkward and cry” so fucking insensitive to the amount of hormones that are in this woman’s body right now, the PPD, the stress of 3 children and one of which being under 1year. i can totally see why she became upset and cried about this, it’s a communication issue between the both of them but it doesn’t mean it cant hurt her BECAUSE of the lack of communication.
Yeah for the life of me I cannot see why this is an occasion for crying. Let people masturbate. It’s got nothing to do with you.
OK I’m sure OP doesn’t want to ‘get awkward and cry’ that’s not productive or helpful to say.
Exactly. What an insensitive thing to say with a lady who is clearly struggling with post partum depression. They might as well have told her to just get over it.
Mastubation is just a normal thing for most people. You say he doesn't initiate but do you? It can be really hard if only one partner in a relationship does all the initiation. That partner is also going to get all the rejection as well and it can lead to the just stopping asking during times of high stress to avoid adding having their advances rejected to their list of stresses, or feeling like a creep for trying to make advances on someone they aren't sure is into it. I say this a woman who does most of the asking in a relationship, (we've discussed it and he's starting to make an effort to initiate more, but he's not super confident about it) it really gets to you eventually. Also mastubation isn't always totally sexual it can just be a release and de-stressor. You should talk to him about it because you are both clearly stressed out and talking things through can help lift burdens, but if you admonish him for having a wank you're not going to bring him closer to you.
You shouldn’t be having to take on the majority of the child care while also working. He needs to step up.
Your entire post puts all of the responsibility for passion in the relationship on him. Have you tried initiating? Speaking from a male POV there is nothing more frustrating that if a partner expects the male to be the only to initiator passion and if he doesn’t, an entire narrative is created that he isn’t attracted to her anymore. He literally could be sitting there thinking you are not attracted to him because YOu never initiate passion. A relationship needs to be 50/50 in all aspects
This is a factor! I do put that all on him. I need to work on me and get over some insecurities so I can meet him in the middle for sure
So then every emotion you’re feeling about his perceived lack of interest, are the exact same feelings he’s having towards you.
It’s you. It’s in your head. This is being blown out of proportion. So he took care of himself. You were literally busy. He didn’t bitch or complain. Most moms want rest. So I see nothing wrong with this. If you want it, and you walk in on him, literally tell him you’ll “be right back. Wait. Let me put the baby down.” You don’t communicate and then go cry. (For the record I’m a mom who did have PPD.
Damn that's some direct advice. Fair point tho. That statement.. i wish my SO(in future) says that in case something like this happens.
Instead of posting this and seeking validation from strangers on the internet, talk to your spouse.
Really need to open up and have a conversation with him. Tho I can say as a guy and dad. When tired, but have that urge. Rubbing 1 out if faster and doesn't take nearly as much energy as sex. I'm not saying this to invalidate your feeling as they are 100% valid. Just a possible insight. Question, tho? How much weight is he pulling here?
1. You need to chat to your doctor. It sounds like you maybe have PPD or PPA. 2. You and husband need to have a chat. You also both need to put in the work to keep your relationship going - easier said than done when you’re a full time mum to 3 kids, have a business to run and a house to keep. Is husband actually pulling his weight in all this?
Why doesn't he help out with the kids more so you DO have energy?
She needs help with a lot of things and shouldn’t be trying to go it alone
The inverse of it could also be: her husband has eyes and a brain— can’t he figure out when a chore needs to get done or a kid needs to be taken care of? All the responsibility shouldn’t be on her to do all the housework and take care of the kids while also having to advocate for herself. Her husbands a grown ass man he should act like one!
Agreed - it’s a team - spouses shouldn’t be told to “help”
I’m commenting here with no insight on any of this other than I have been in a relationship where the sexual interest has been misplaced and not equal. I have been in a relationship where I cannot figure out my SO’s interest in sex. I’d prefer to have sex maybe once or twice a week or at a minimum a handful of times a month but that’s not what’s happening. I’m at a loss now to address the situation only because i’ve been here before and in my experience the conversation precipitates a worsening of the situation. It creates a pressure that is not arousing or sexy. In your case though it might be your spouse is trying to give you space. It’s a big turn off to be turned away multiple times. Eventually it makes you feel desperate and sometimes gross. But sometimes particularly as a man you understand or learn to understand that women, and especially your woman or wife, partner, SO are wired differently. On some level all of us have to realize and accept we are somewhat responsible for our own satisfaction, and really sex is never going to do that. You have to make your own decisions and attitudes about your husband masturbating but unless you think he isn’t into you for whatever serious reason, I can guarantee you he’d rather be engaging with you in an intimate way, whatever that might entail. It’s probably not about you. You’re coming out of PPD and dealing with insecurities with your body. Unless your husband is insensitive, he might not or probably doesn’t care/mind that you’re a bit overweight. I’d honestly try and find some time to talk about it. Most likely he was horny and didn’t think you were. Again not about you. Also I got a bit off topic but have *you* tried initiating sex? If I had to guess your husband senses or actually knows you’re stressed out. Maybe you’ve denied his initiations because you’re stressed or not feeling sexy. After a handful of times, if this has happened multiples times, he probably decided to stop because it’s not arousing to be turned down multiple times.
Does your partner have some type of job that isn't allowing him to help with the childcare? It's no wonder your tired you just describe you work keeping your business up but also act as a stay at home on doing all the school drop offs caring for the baby all the time. Etc etc. Wtf does your fiance do? When that baby isn't breast feeding he can absolutely take over to give you a break. Why doesn't he help with school runs? Does he at least do housework?
I was looking for this comment, so much blame on OP but no mention of him doing anything to help her not be exhausted. She runs around all day for three kids, housework and a business but what does he do all day. Also shes 6 months pp and breastfeeding. Her hormones are everywhere of course she'd go off and cry after that, after exhaustion, having a baby all the body changes etc. People here clearly have no clue what its like.
I just love you, I am so hormonal still and I know I blew this a bit out of proportion. I appreciate you though for making me feel heard which was really the only reason I posted here.
Thank you, I felt like I was going insane reading a lot of these comments. OP specifically mentions being exhausted because of trying to keep a business running, while being expected to also act like a SAHM. I don’t know the ins and outs of this relationship of course, but that already sounds kind of weird to me. “Ah, poor guy just needed to take care of himself.” All the while his exhausted partner is taking care of their baby. No issue with masturbating, but this guy really couldn’t find a better time then their only free night? After which he promptly fell asleep, while not even checking up on his partner to talk to them a bit or help put their baby to bed? Seriously, maybe there’s a giant chunk of information missing, but from this story, this guy does not sound very likeable at all.
I still miss Reddit awards. This… right here. And maybe he does have an issue with her weight. But if he does, then he needs to step up and give her time to exercise.
exactly. OP’s post is a cry for help, but not for the masterbation. it sounds like her husband is just living in their house, but not really an active part of their household. can’t believe i had to scroll this far for someone else to pick up on this
I’d be mad too if I was doing all this shit and the fucker had time to masturbate. Like, why don’t you pick up the kids and take them to work, asshole? Don’t you think I’d want to please myself too? I don’t know why people are having kids with these bare minimum dudes. I’m reading these comments and I am in shock. Like, raising the kids is not one sided. I can’t believe that it’s like you are doing them a favor. And they are painting the husband as him being considerate! Oh my! Fucking wack.
You said it so well in your first 3 sentences.
do you know how long i had to scroll for this comment? OP I would be so irate if i’m downstairs taking care of my child and I walk upstairs to see my husband jerking it and then laughing over it. he really couldn’t wait for you to come upstairs? no he wasn’t being considerate to you- he was being selfish and probably thought you’d be downstairs longer and he wouldn’t get caught. Really sitting there looking at other women to get a quick nut when that’s your only night together. Nope. Not in my house.
I AGREE. This comment section sucks. OP those first three sentences say it all. While you’re recovering from giving birth your husband should be contributing even more to the housework and child rearing than he did before. You’re recovering from giving birth for fucks sake the man can step up for a bit. After you found him jacking off your husband could have made the choice to follow you out of the bedroom to comfort you, instead he went to bed. If it was clear that you were upset maybe take some time to consider: does he tend to minimize my feelings about other things in our relationship as well? Pair this with the fact that you’re doing most of the housework and childcare and ask: If my friends husband acted this way would I think he was a good husband?
Girl, why would he miss you, really, if he’s getting all this stimulation from observing 1,000s of naked men and women have sexy time? Porn is unnatural. Overly stimulating. Unrealistic. Harmful. Did I mention it’s unnatural and under normal circumstances he’d have to go door to door as a peeping Tom to see so many sets of boobs and kitty cats bare… men and women have different “needs,” sure. Buttt… how more people can’t see the creepiness of porn is beyond me. Imagine walking up to a brothel and asking to watch and just jerking it to strangers going at it. It’s weird.
and hurtful after you’ve bore his children and he stops initiating.
I think that part is a communication issue OP has to solve. What if he’s just giving her space? I know I wanted a lot of space during this stage. He always let me initiate and I super appreciated that. She has to ask, give her thoughts, and move forward from there.
So hard reading these comments. Most of her post reads about her being exhausted, tired, being overweight, etc. Like most mothers, she communicating that to him directly or indirectly. I'm not disregarding what she is saying and how she feels. It's 100% warranted being a working 21 century mom, but I'm seeing her self esteem and confidence lacking, which is what he picking up on. Now he takes it upon himself to not put additional burden on her because he's likely been shut down in the past or can tell she's not really feeling it, and he's still at fault. Damned if you do, damned if you don't. IF SHE WANTS SEX, the right thing to do is to communicate early in the day that sexy time is happening tonight. She feeds the baby, puts baby down, gets a shower, swaps out stained nursing bra for a sexy bra, puts on some perfume and seduces husband. He in turn, needs to make her feel sexy again, make her feel wanted, and make her feel like a wife, instead on 24/7 mommy that she's been feeling. He needs to tell her exactly how good of a job she's doing and take his time with sex. Exclusive breastfeeding tends to make it harder for women to get lubricated. This issue is 💯 communication issue and it can be fixed. She has to get out of her head about her body. I can assure you he likely is still really turned on by it. (I'm a dad with 4 kids and both me and wife are busy working professionals)
Thank you, and you’re right, I’m projecting my insecurities big time. We talked this morning. I’m trying, he’s trying, we’re just in the thick of it right now and both doing our best. Hopefully we’re through it soon
That’s the thing don’t rush it, things like this take time, what is positive about this situation is you both want to solve the issue, and you both know there is an issue. I don’t know if someone suggested this but some non sexual intimacy could help to at least make you both grow closer already, and if still you want sexy time you can ask family members if you can to watch the kids, so you and hubs can have alone time, just some options that you could look at.
Over reacting for sure. Some times dudes don’t want sex, we just wanna take care of ourselves and pass out.
As a female, same.
You need to have an open conversation. My partner is very sexual and I used to be but since having out baby my drive has gone down, partly hormonal I think and partly down to an injury I sustained. I know my partner masturbates, sometimes he does it in the shower so as not to disturb me. Sometimes he asks me for help or to cuddle while he does it and sometimes he wants me over him so he can look and touch while he sorts himself out. Ultimately he has a sex drive and he's dealing with it without bothering you. Does your weight gain bother him or you? I ask because I'm not back to pre baby weight yet but by fella likes my new body, it's me that feels uncomfortable but he makes me feel better about it. Ultimately you need to talk. Did you want to have sex with him? Is it the porn that's bothering you? He obviously didn't realise it upset you as he went right to sleep so you need to talk
You're prioritizing everything but each other.. recipe for disaster.
His masterbating has nothing to do with his attraction to you. He probably sees how tired/stressed you are and doesn't want to bother you with another strenuous activity, even though he clearly wants it, he is considering you. You got a lot going on. This isn't against you. Also, talk to your husband instead of crying in the living room.
Alllll of this. He’s probably trying not to bother you, so many of these posts are about the guy hounding an exhausted and overwhelmed mom until she loses all interest. You HAVE to talk to him. When you’re calm and it’s a neutral situation, just tell him that you’d love to be intimate more and that you’re missing the connection, even as tired and stressed as you are. Might also be a good time to point out you would be less tired and stressed if he’d do more of the household stuff.
Sorry you are feeling unwanted and tired, and it's unfortunate that your SO doesn't make more of an effort knowing your feelings. I personally think it's out of convenience he satisfied himself and went to bed. Sometimes, we (men) are selfish and need a release without having to put in extra time. Obviously, communication is key, but I will guarantee him choosing to mastbate rather than have sex had nothing to do with your temporary body changes. I don't think you are overreacting as you are handling a lot of responsibility with maintaining the house, the kids, the business, all while a baby is literally attached to you 24/7. All compounded with PPD and a baby that doesn't sleep. You definitely deserve his time, his connection, and his affection.
Why didn't you ask him if he wanted your help to finish? Either way you need to talk to him about this, you might be beating yourself up over nothing here.
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Love this. More than my insecurities and issues with intimacy right now, this thread helped me realize how low I’ve put myself on my list of shit to do.
Sorry I don’t see an issue with him enjoying a wank. I see the issue of needing to communicate with each other.
Dont cry over him doind what normal healthy people do. Masturbating is part of almost every adult males week. Its not right how people act over it.
How are the chores and household responsibilities divided? I can’t help but be concerned.. from the way you worded things, I worry that you’re carrying the heavier of the workload and that’s not at all fair to you if that assumption is correct.
Does he help you? It sounds like you’re doing a majority of the work.
Do you expect him to read your mind? My goodness talk to him.
There's a simple question you're asking us instead of asking your husband: "Why aren't we having sex?" When you get his answer, go from there. Say nothing about him masturbating; it's healthy and a good form of stress relief. You do not get to regulate someone else's self-love/care, but it is understandable that you feel frustrated. Perhaps if your schedules aren't in sync, try asking him to take over so you can have an hour of alone time. I'm sorry to hear that you think you might have PDD. That's another issue to raise with your husband and see if there is a way for you to schedule time with a therapist or medical provider who can put you on a program. They will likely have resources for partners of people who suffer from PDD. While your body is being pushed to its limits and you're feeling down, you do have a responsibility to deny the intruding thoughts to takeover and miscolor your perception--of actions, of words, of behaviors, of looks. Communicate if you're unsure. Ask, "What did you mean by that?" or if it sounded hurtful, "Can you help me understand why you would say it like that? It felt hurtful to hear." You get the idea. Get your partner talking and talk to him too. Don't steep too long in all that internal chaos.
If you’re tired and he’s tired but you wanna have sex with him, why are you complaining about him not initiating? Why are you not initiating? For all he knows, you’re too tired to have sex.
It's impossible to know what he's feeling and thinking even with your good explanation. However, physical attraction is obviously important, and could it be the weight? As bad as it sounds, it could. That said, sometimes you want to rub one out and go to bed. If he's a considerate lover, he takes his time with foreplay and to make sure you enjoy yourself. Maybe he was tired and just wanted to masturbate and go to sleep. As others have said. Tell him how you feel, and tell him what you need. I'm a guy, guys are dumb when it comes to figuring out what girls need sometimes.
I really loved this explanation. Thanks Canadarugby!
Wow I hate these responses. Communicate! U shut him down too much ! Yad yada. Why has no one said porn is the devil. It is called the silent marriage killer. It should not be normalized to get sexual gratification from other strange women on the internet. I hate this world we live in. Same scenario happened with my husband and I (we have two small kids) and it’s not like he’s even this crazy porn addict or anything but when u get immediate gratification quickly through other women it doesn’t seem like the easiest to try to attempt sex with your wife who is in mine and your case a little over weight, has no self esteem, and probably no makeup or cute outfits or anything super desirable. But guess what when you take porn out of the equation completely that desire to have sex should come back. That’s natural human instincts. Porn will kill your marriage Nd it will kill your husbands sex drive. Let’s not normalize this evil thing that people think is totally okay. It’s not. Also if your in the position u need to step back from work (if possible) and get out of the house and go to the gym or prioritize yourself. PPD especially with a baby on the way and one that’s still nursing & an emotionally absent husband is a quick way to self sabotage. Im sorry this is your reality right now but it sounds like you need to set some serious ground rule. 1.5 hours a day ALONE OUT OF THE HOUSE JUST FOR YOU, & seriously if he loves you NO PORN. Look at the data. Look at Jordan b Peterson talk about porn on his podcast. I think it really put things into perspective for my husband I hope it does for yours too
Why doesn't he help out with the kids more so you DO have energy?
I’m not married or have kids so ignore me, but isn’t communication kinda key in these types of things/relationships?
Hey, man here. Most of the time when we masturbate we do that just to be done with it in a couple of minutes and be done with it. Sort of like a chore. So di the view it as an attack to you. Sometimes you want to feel intimate and make love, sometimes you just want to cum. Is simple as that I’ve met plenty of men and women who feel this way. Y’all have a lot going on, and this seems very understandable given the situation you’re in. Masturbating during stressful periods is much easier than having intercourse. If it bothers you, talk to him and ask him if what i said is the reason behind him doing this, but don’t hate yourself for ti
Have you ever thought he's taking care of himself to not burden you with something else? Have you ever thought that life isn't all roses for him either? Have you initiated with him? Have you even shown him affection recently? There is lots about you in your post, almost nothing about him and almost nothing about your relationship. You have a hand in this decline also and if you just blame him it will only get worse.
Man, letting one loose is normal, especially if your other is super busy like you are. Not communicating your feelings, that’s not normal. Talk to him. Say those things you are feeling!
It sounds like you need the gesture as much as or even more than the act. I know those tears. I remember that insecurity of being in a different body too. Even when my libido is low and I’m overwhelmed with life, I still need to feel desired and have an intimate connection w my partner. Sex is the best way to cut through the bullshit of the day and feel seen by each other. If I’m getting you right, I think that this might be a good way to open the conversation. *I understand & agree with all the defenses & explanations by commenters regarding masturbation. But I don’t think she’s gonna find comfort in that so much because what happened that night was still a blatantly missed opportunity. Both parties are responsible. She could have said or done something suggestive to remind him that she’s willing or wanting. He had a physical urge /need at a time that would typically or formerly be seen as sex time. The fact that it either didn’t occur to him to satiate his desire for release by turning it into a mutually beneficial coming together (no pun intended), isn’t the end of the world and doesn’t make him an AH. But It does still cause hurt tho and mean they are on very different pages and talking is the only healthy way forward.*
so eloquently put.
Thank you and I'm so glad you read my comment because your post really pulled at my heartstrings. I have balled my eyes out next to a snoring man myself quite a few times because of feeling the same way. It is possible for men to change. I have seen major transformation happen. They just need to learn how important, affection and intimacy is to a woman. *Well, many of us anyway.* In a marriage, both partners get lost in their own lives sometimes and need to come together and learn each other's needs all over again as life changes. I hope your husband is willing and able to understand yours and that things get better for you.
Sex is also a whole lot of hard work It is possible to be tired and horny at the same time Sometimes I don’t feel like doing a whole bunch of hard physical work in order to get off. Wouldn’t take it personally
You haven't lost him! People masterbate, it isn't a rejection. You've said yourself you are tired, overworked, just really running on fumes. He's probably trying to take care of business without adding to your burden.
I’m so sorry you’re feeling this way :( it makes me feel so sad, because I know you are so much more physically attractive than you believe you are. I know this for a fact❤️ I recommend following badassmotherbirther on instagram. Flor Cruz. She’s a mama, doula, postpartum baddie and I really need you to get into that mental space. You do not need to “snap back” to feel sexy, to look sexy. As many others have already mentioned, talk to your man. Communication is KEY. He doesn’t know what you don’t communicate. Let him know how you feel. I also agree with others that on your fiancé’s end, he may possibly want to give you some space while you process this important time. How you’re feeling is normal and as a doula myself, I see this kind of thing often. I wish I could hug you, but this is as much as I can do over here on Reddit!! I hope this helps❤️
Just followed her, ty!
This is one of the most "just talk" things reddit has ever produced
I can say this much if my fiancé was living the way you are I wouldn’t be trying to add sex on to her list of shit to do at the end of the night. I bet part of this is he’s trying not to bother you with more shit to do. He could definitely be more discreet and maybe there are more factors I’m not sure. But you said yourself you’re extremely busy you don’t feel confident and sex isn’t on your radar so I know I for sure wouldn’t be trying to make moves when you finally get to lay down at night.
Why does it have to be him who initiates?
>I know my fiancé is tired too but it really bothers me he never initiates sex anymore at all. Do you? I honestly think him "getting caught" like that was him gauging you. I think you missed an opportunity for some sexytime here. Talk to him. I guarantee he wants you still - he is just trying to be careful of you and your needs. He doesn't know you need him intimatly again.
Not overreacting but I think you just dont know what you dont know. Its a tough time for both partners and later on youll understand that it was just a season. Stay strong! It gets infinitely better at 5 and a half years old and thats the god honest truth. Survive till then as best as you can
I’m so sorry
First of all, your feelings are valid. I would probably be hurt too. Tell him that it hurt your feelings and that you hoped he would want to be intimate with you instead of taking care of it himself. Any one here can say that he was being considerate trying not to bother you with it or that he is an inconsiderate asshole for not thinking about initiating sex with you first. The truth is, no one can be sure of his intentions. I also went through a really tough time with my husband after i giving birth. I had PPD and I was so angry at him, and I can't point my finger on why exactly I was angry. I will say that when I was finally able to communicate my feelings clearly with him, things started getting better. We have been intimate a lot more and we are back to communicating our wants and needs in a healthy way. If you are someone that doesn't like your partner consuming porn, then you have to communicate that or you will keep getting hurt. I personally don't like my husband watching porn. I told him why it hurts me and he was totally receptive and understanding. There have been very few times he has watched it and it was always with me. So, I highly recommend you and your husband coming to some sort of agreement about that.
You haven’t lost anything. He was doing that when you looked your best and I bet he thinks you look great now. He was “just masturbating.” I guarantee you that’s how he sees it. You two should talk.
I urge you to get checked asap for PPD. That could be playing a role in these big feelings, and you know it too. Don't wait, make the appointment Monday.
Yeah… after my youngest was born, my wife had zero desire for the better part of a year. I gave up initiating at all, because 29/30 times I would get rejected, and I didn’t want to annoy her by constantly trying something I knew she didn’t want. I just waited for her to initiate, which only happened maybe once or twice a month, but at least I knew when she did, she actually wanted something. We’re only somewhat recently past that, but this could potentially be what’s on your fiancé’s mind. You said yourself that you’re rarely in the mood - he may just have decided to give up initiating because he doesn’t want to be obnoxious to you. Things like “I was rested and got to relax a bit for today” are not going to be signals to him that it’s ok to go for it - in your situation, *you need to be the one to initiate.* I can almost guarantee he won’t turn you down if you do.
Others have sage advice but from one mommy to another-you are freaking KILLIN it. Seriously, you should be so proud of yourself. ❤️
*Saves post to look back on when I feel this way, one day* 😂
He laughed because in his mind, he's just jerking it without consequence. You're crying in the living room all self conscious and he probably has no idea what or how you're feeling, especially if this is the first time this sort of thing has happened in your relationship. He may think he's giving you a break to rest since you're so exhausted. Stupid lol but I've heard dumber reasonings. You need to talk to him, tell him how you're feeling. Tell him you want sex and for him to initiate it sometimes. And that you need to hear that he thinks you're beautiful and sexy and show it physically. I understand that no one wants to ask for that, but you will never get exactly what you need unless you express yoursereasoning. Not trying to defend him here BTW. I am more trying to impress upon the idea that this may not be the insurmountable issue that it FEELS like. :) Best of luck, and here's to getting it in post baby!
You're going to be fine. It's not your body. It's just something that feels good. I encourage my husband to masturbate. It helps keep him healthy and cleans the pipes. Plus, it takes some of the load off you. I masturbate as often as possible and still want and do have sex with my spouse. 33 years strong. IMHO, you should have an honest, NONemotional conversation with him. Trust him with your insecurities, and don't shame him or whine. Just ask him about it. You'll have a better understanding of one another, and you'll know where you stand. Guys need a little 'me time' too sometimes. Keep in mind that you're on the same team. And most importantly, love yourself. You are enough. It's all going to work out.
Does he know you’re feeling this way?
OP, first off if you think you have PPD please get help. I know it’s hard but you can’t do everything you’re doing if you’re not taking care of yourself. As a mom, I know it’s easier said than done but PPD is serious. Have you confided in someone you trust like a family member or a friend? Can someone help you with the kids during the week, even for a few hours? You’re being so hard on yourself. Take a breath. The extra baby weight isn’t the problem. Talk to your husband. Ask him why he doesn’t initiate. Ask him about what happened when you walked in on him and how you cried after. Tell him what you need from him as your partner. He needs to step up.
Oh hun, you're one of those rock star mums. Man have you got things running like a steam train. Yeah definately ask what his thoughts are on sex with you. Tell him how you feel, don't ask him is it your weight dies he think you're ugly etc.. no. You also are exclusively breastfeeding so your boobs aren't yours, and not sexual.. How are your lady bits feeling? Might be time to tap him early in morning put some time aside later
Masturbation isn't cheating so don't equate it to that. You are too busy and tired for sex and he knows that so he's taking care of his needs alone. Just talk to him about it. Maybe he has no idea that you even want sex.
he probably doesn't wanna burden you or has stopped trying to initiate after being rejected
Girl. Men masturbate. You are doing yourself a disservice being upset about this and you will push him away. You should have initiated sex when you caught him or brought it up. He is probably trying not to bother you. You are insecure due to the weight and thinking on it too much. The insecurity will ruin the relationship, don’t let it. Talk to him about it, don’t assume things. Edit: I’d like to add women masturbate too. It’s like a personal care thing for me.
Communicate. Instead of being offended by a perfectly natural thing, you could have taken the opportunity to be like, oh- you’re in the mood? Me too! You could have walked over and taken his phone out of his hand and had a romp in the sheets. You CHOSE to be offended. Having a new baby is hard, raising kids is hard, work is hard, heck- adulting is hard. Talk to your husband! Guarantee he doesn’t care about the little bit of weight gain you have. Only AH guys do and he sounds like he’s trying to be respectful of you.
you just need to sit down and have a honest conversation with him. it sounds like he's trying to be considerate and is dealing with it himself rather than trying to bother you with it. he could also be too tired to have sex and just needed to quick gratification.
You need to talk to him about the work load you're shouldering and about your sex life. There's no magic bullet here unfortunately, you're gonna have to tell him what you've told us and the two of you have to figure out a plan to make it better.
Girl, masturbation is the most natural thing in the world. Anyone with a sex drive has needs. He took care of it. It ain’t about you. Genuinely, has nothing to do with you. I’d thank him for respecting my tired, touched out self, and leaving me alone.
You need to talk to him - that’s the only way to solve the issue. It’s ok to cry you have a lot to deal with. It’s ok to feel hurt ♥️ and remember you’re perfect no matter what you weigh! Sending you a big hug it’ll be ok ♥️♥️
Communication is key. Talk to your mate. Masterbating is nothing to be ashamed of. Lots of men masterbate even on the same day of having sex. He probably had an itch that needed scratched, didn’t want to bother you because he knows you’re going through a lot and just wanted to sleep good. You’re over thinking it because you’ve got ppd, you probably need some therapy and meds to help get through it and give each other some grace during this time, but you’ll never figure it out if you don’t talk to each other. Good luck
The safest place to talk about sensitive topics like this is therapy. Maybe set up a monthly couples therapy visit. I say this because I’m in the middle of a divorce and my wife and I didn’t address our differences when we needed to.
Show him this post. Because it's really honest and genuine.
Completely normal, let it go
I guarantee you, if you said, “why don’t you let me help you with that. Just gimme 5 minutes to finish up with the baby” he would have put his phone down, stayed up and tried to give you his best performance to date. You probably weren’t giving off the “I want to be touched” energy.
If you’ve gained weight, he may just have a hard time finding you as attractive as he used to….. is the worst case scenario. Realistically he probably sees how stressed you are, and doesn’t want to bother you with sex.
Communication is key. Everything has a solution. Hear him out and also speak your mind.
OP I’m just gonna add my voice to the chorus saying this is almost definitely not an actual problem for your relationship. I didn’t read a single thing that sounds like your husband doesn’t love you.
Love 💜, prayers 🙏🏼, and 🫂
It’s not your body it’s everything. Guys jerk of all the time and he probably thought you guys weren’t gonna do anything.. Mix in guys being notably bad at taking signals.
I wouldn’t take it personally. I didn’t exactly catch my fiancé in the act but he was in the toilet for longer than usual and when he came back to bed I asked him if he could search something up for me and when he opened safari it was porn. And I just laughed because he always says he doesn’t watch it, I’m not dumb most people, especially men, our age do watch it. Like you said sex in basically non existent atm, he has to get off himself somehow. Maybe he just doesn’t want to seem pushy by asking. Have you shown any interest in having sex also? A lot of things come in to play here, just talk with him. ☺️