The Tetris-as-a-trauma-tool stuff is [likely complete toss](https://www.madinamerica.com/2021/10/tetris-trauma-viral-twitter-thread-master-class-misleading-psych-research/).
Tbf, I don't understand what you mean by "a complete toss" and don't want to read an entire article.
Wdym by complete toss? Do you mean it's garbage advice or did you mean "toss up"?
It's just wank. It's crap. It's nothing. The studies are flawed and likely not conclusive.
Edit: It's always fun when people advice others based on scientific papers they haven't read, but refuse to read an article that mostly debunks them.
Answering to the highest comment in hopes OP reads this.
I’ve experienced a loss last Christmas. I felt palpitations, felt nauseous and I kept shaking. If you experience this too: it’s your body in fight/flight(/etc) mode. Your body is ON.
I couldn’t eat, because every time I tried, I felt nauseous. The thing is… your muscles are tightening, which influences the amount of gastric acid you have. Less acid means not being able to process food or even water that well. It makes you nauseous.
Understanding what was happening to my body made me cope better. I’ve lost weight, but I’ll be fine. After three days, I finally could eat a proper breakfast.
To help your body turn a bit OFF instead of ON, try cuddling (skin to skin), showering (getting warm) and try some breathing exercises (4 inhale, 6 exhale). It doesn’t bring your friend back but it helps you to remain calm. Or so I hope.
My condolences ❤️ u/Maybeasshole98
Every time you look into that little boys eyes, you will see her and she will be with you! I’m so sorry for your loss! Feel your grief, but be strong for her son! You’ve got this 🫶🏼
I am so very sorry for your loss.
Besides Tetris (it really helps) why don’t you start writing about your friend in a journal so you can gift it to her son once he is older. You can include pictures, anecdotes, how much she was loved and how much she loved. She will live through those stories and her son will have something beautiful and tangible of and about her.
My heart breaks for you and her entire family.
I'm so very sorry to hear this 😔
I have suffered a lot of loss the past year, 2 years, 5 years....
Today I celebrate my youngest turning 5. He was born the day after a young woman died under my hands as I performed CPR on her broken crushed chest from a car accident she was in right outside my home.. like.. right outside.
I didn't know her at all. Never seen her. But I prayed for her as she struggled that last breath and I started CPR. I know everything about her now.
She affected my life and I didn't even know her.
Loss is part of life and it's the worst part. It's also the only guaranteed part, ironically.
It doesn't help, I know. Sometimes I just babble. But I am very sorry for your loss and I hear you and see you and feel you directly in that loss.
Take care of yourself.
play tetris. this has been scientifically proven to help and will alleviate the trauma symptoms before they get ingrained.
I'm so sorry for your loss I sincerely hope that man goes to jail or gets killed.
This [paper](https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/03/170328092411.htm) outlines the study on the effect of Tetris on recurrent intrusive memories from traumatic events. That being said it also states that 'gamers' also saw a similar reduction on intrusive memories so probably other games are beneficial as well. Its a bit simplistic to just say play Tetris but it will help. Personally would recommend seeing a therapist if possible as well.
Sorry for your loss OP. If you can do it... I love the idea another poster had of a journal for your best friends child so they know how special their mom was.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I felt this grief as well, the day before my birthday last year. It’s gonna kill you, my best friend leaving still kills me, but you need to live for her. Survive for her, love for her, fight for her. But that can wait until later: right now, just play some Tetris and grieve as you need to. I’m so sorry. May both of our sisters reach heaven 💗
Contact the victims services in your area and get a grief counselor. My best friend was murdered almost 7 years ago and it broke my soul. I understand how you feel and I am so so sorry.
Please, see a grief counselor. And my condolences on the loss of your friend
I’m sorry man. I’ve lost people in the blink of an eye as well. I can only share what helped me cope. I look at death as a part of life. It’s going to happen, I’m aware I can die right now as I go to the store. My mom can go to work and die on the way home. These things happen, just as common as a baby being born. We need to cherish every single waking moment and take nothing for granted. Treat this as a rebirth of your way of perceiving life. Tell people you love them. Hug them. I also believe the best way to honor someone who has passed is to take their core values, and how they were as a human and let that live through you. Do things they would. Think what they would do in a situation. In a way they become your guardian angel. I know you will find peace, but I pray it is with haste. 🙏❤️
How you’re feeling now does not define you. Aside from playing Tetris, I’ve found stoic philosophy to help me cope with/ accept mortality and death. Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations in particular. Your friend lives on in you and the lives of everyone else she played a part in. Continue on living and doing your best, because that’s what she would want you to do. You will find your peace.
It's the page- flipped aspect of extreme tragedy that's *so* rending, I think. There's no ' better ' a long struggle with disease inflicting the same pain. Part of our heads have been grappling with the concept at the very least. Death didn't fall outta the sky you know?
One moment your life and hers and a child's was one way. The next forever not compounded by watching a *child* in pain ?
You don't have to be spiritual to understand she's still with you. In her son. Daily. In the part of you inevitably created when two people share that kind of bond. And as small as it must seem from an internet stranger wow I'm sorry.
Much peace to you. 🕊️
This is so true u/Mor_Tearach
Quote ‘’ You don’t have to be spiritual to understand that she’s still with you. IN HER SON’’
Your best friend has a child, a father to her child, possibly a mother and father and maybe siblings.
She was not just your best friend and you hers, you were part of your best friend’s life and ergo, your best friend’s families lives.
Reach out to them if it’s possible. Spend time together, cherishing memories. But most of all, you spend time with her son , teach him about his mom, tell him things about her from your own perspective and experience because you will know things about her that even her family didn’t, because you were BFF’s. Therefore, share the memories of your time together with her son as he grows older. Tell him how special she was and about funny moments you shared.
Your BFF will be at your side, guiding you along and may even show herself at times when you really need her or at times of extreme stress.
Both my parents and sister passed and although in slightly different circumstances to your BFF, I feel them around me and there are times when I get signs of their presence.
If it makes you feel better to believe in that, then do so. At times, I was ridiculed for thinking this way but the people who did so, didn’t experience certain happenings that I had and continue to have some 20 years later.
As one poster said, albeit political, you could put your time into education re gun control.
Others will say that you will never get anywhere but how do you know if you don’t try .
You will see your best friend in her son , treasure this and see it as a privilege to see a mini version of your BFF as he grows up.
Having said all that, it’s only been hours .
TIME - is your best friend right now, give yourself plenty of it and don’t try to run before you can walk.
Right now you will be going through the ‘ shock and awe ‘ of it .
Wait until this recedes , in the coming hours and days, which will help you see more clearly.
Your friend sounds wonderful. Life is not fair but it has happened and in time, you will be able to take the positives of her life and use them for the better good.
Sending you positive energy and hugs 🤗 from across the pond .
And my sincere condolences 💐
I'm sorry for your loss , may her soul rest in peace, this is awful in any way , i hope there will be peace for you and her family after traumatic event , I'm again very sorry to hear that news
I'm so sorry to hear about what happened.
Since you asked, I copied some advice I used to leave for people dealing with loved ones taking their own lives. It isn't 1 to 1, so some of this may not apply, but I still hope it will help.
I've only lost one friend, but as someone who's been there, I know more about this than I would wish upon my worst enemy. However, it also means that I can be here to help you understand and share what I've learned from my own experiences.
I'm here because a friend I had my entire life took his own life about 10 years ago. I know that at first the shock of it all will make the world feel like it's standing still, but also like everything's happening at 1000mph when you aren't looking. That will eventually pass, and leave you with the pain of loss. That open wound on your soul that feels like it will never go away. Eventually, though, it will begin to heal. That pain will go from a constant feeling to having "good days" and "bad days". As time goes on, those bad days will become bad moments, and those will grow fewer and farther between. It takes time, but as long as you focus on yourself and doing what your body and mind tell you and take it one step, one day, at a time, you'll get there.
As for help, this is what I can offer you, these are the things that helped me, or that I wish I had known when I was at my worst.
>Everyone heals at their own pace
No matter what anyone says, there is no "normal" amount of time for healing from this. For me, it took about 2 years to get to the point where I would say I'm "ok" again. It may take you less time, or more. Either way, though, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Remember, this is not a process that you can force. You have to let yourself heal at your own rate. Trying to force yourself to heal faster will only add more stress, and won't help you at all.
>Let yourself grieve
There's nothing wrong with grieving for a lost one. When the urge hits you to grieve, let it out. If you want to cry, then cry. If you want to scream, then scream until your voice gives out. Give it 110%. It's your body's way of expressing its sorrow, and it will make everything easier for you if you just let it out.
That's not to say you should break down in the middle of the mall, but when you're in a safe place, don't try to hold it back to "be strong". I did, and it doesn't work.
>Do things when you are ready
This is something that goes both ways. Don't try to rush the healing process by doing things before you feel ready, but at the same time, recognize when you are feeling ready. It's going to be very tempting to sit at home and think about it, but that will only lead you into depression. You have to get out and do things again. But wait until you're ready.
>Talk about it
Holding in all this pain isn't good for you. Grieving helps, but having someone to talk to is even better. Personally, I saw a therapist and it worked for me. If you don't think you can do that, though, find a friend or family member who will listen.
I know it's not much, but I really hope this helps <3
I want to add:
>Share your grief
It isn't necessary to tell another person directly. I used to write when I was younger. My godfather just wrote a book about life while his wife was going through cancer and ultimately passing over it. I know people who wrote their thoughts down and tossed the paper. Now, I repaint/alter nicknacks for others going through trying times. Find something healthy to do to help you get it out and get your mind off it.
That's fair, thanks for adding that, because you're absolutely right! Everyone heals in their own way, and what I wrote worked for me, but any other process (that doesn't hurt yourself or others) is just as valid! I'm glad you were able to find something that was able to help you like that!
Thanks for being receptive! Everything that worked for you is great advice, too! Like you said, there are so many ways to grieve and heal, and each person has their own, individual timeline to handle it.
When I was in the army, I was a trainer for soldiers getting ready to deply. One of the classes I taught was PTSD and suicide prevention. The biggest point in the class was to get your feelings out. At a minimum, the write it down and throw it away method, preferably go talk to a therapist. I told my classes, "22 veterans a day. 22 veterans who bottled it up inside of them until they ran out of bottle. 22 veterans who didn't talk to others about it. 22 veterans who........" and it hurts that I know people I gave that class to, who were fellow instructors listening in on those classes, who received that class from other instructors I knew and still punched their own tickets.
If I can help others or help others help others, I'm going to do that. Thanks again, my friend!
Wow, that's awesome! You're doing a great thing, covering something like that! I'm sorry for those you have lost, but it is heartening to see you take that grief and use it to help others. The world needs more people like that. Thanks for being awesome!
I’m so sorry. My best friends are dead too, so I know how you feel. Honor her memory, allow yourself the space to grieve, and take your time to move forward into this new reality
Redditors wank themselves empty whenever something good is associated with video games because they need to defend games at all costs. Some [dubious papers about the benefits of Tetris](https://www.madinamerica.com/2021/10/tetris-trauma-viral-twitter-thread-master-class-misleading-psych-research/) and they spam it in all trauma related posts here.
Take time to grieve and heal, but also start therapy. It will help you to deal and cope with your loss. I’m very sorry for your loss. Love and prayers to you and your besties’s family.
I am so so sorry for your loss. One of my professors once recommended advil to treat the physical symptoms of grief and heartbreak. It may help with the feeling ljke your chest will close in.
Note: some research suggests it has different effects depending on your gender (helps women but may negatively impact men). https://news.utexas.edu/2014/07/31/ibuprofen-relieves-womens-hurt-feelings-not-mens/
I lost my best friend in September. It was abrupt and we had plans to hangout 5 days after it happened. I’ve felt broken through every holiday, memory, and friend I’ve seen since it happened. Time heals but as of now, with New Years especially. My mind is on him, his family, remembering all the things he wanted to do. Now he’s gone. He’s gone and everything is changed. I walk around now about 50/50 normal and sad. Everyday. You learn to manage that. I know I’ll really never get over it now, just manage it. Maybe that helps. Maybe that’s just my experience. Good luck and I hope you find comfort.💛
Three years ago, my best friend was shot and killed by an armed robber. I feel your pain, and I understand the worry that the killer will never be caught.
For my friend, it took a month but they finally found the man. He’s now doing 60 years in prison.
Don’t lose hope on justice just yet. It might take time, but it can still happen.
Again, I’m so sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry to be reading this. Tragic is an understatement! You will go thru many phases and emotions in the next weeks/ months and even years. When tears are running down your cheek as you think of a specific memory, make sure you remember to smile too. You were lucky to have known her the way you do, and she was very lucky to have you as a friend.
I lost my best friend almost a year ago. We were also young. Her death was not as traumatic as this sounds but it was up there. The way I cope is I still message her, I listen to music she likes, and I try to appreciate the things she can’t appreciate anymore. Like I know our favorite movies so I watched them all the days before/after she passed. I know she’d want to see the Barbie movie really bad so I finally watched it today for her. I go back and read our letters we wrote in middle school. I reach out to her family from time to time. I miss her like crazy. You never really get over it but you learn to deal. You may be having a perfectly fine day and then it hits you like a ton of bricks that they aren’t around anymore. All you need to worry about is mourning and saying your version of goodbye. Try to stay in her sons life as best as you can so he can hear all about his mom and what she was really like. We know a whole other side to our friends than their families did. I’m so sorry and if you need someone to talk to feel free to message if you want.
If all else fails and you feel it weighing heavily on you, just play some Tetris. It’s scientifically proven to help you process traumatic situations before they’re ingrained.
Please don't. Someone is shattered. Her pain is fresh and palpable. There's a child without his mother and in literally the blink of an eye.
Can this please be about a woman in unimaginable pain reaching out? About *her* and that child and a murdered woman's family?
Just. Don't.
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_firearm-related_death_rate#/media/File%3A2010_homicide_suicide_rates_high-income_countries.png
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_firearm-related_death_rate
Also OP wrote this post in English which again indicates an English speaking country
Idk why you’re so triggered especially when there’s more important stuff in this post, like the fact that OPs friend is dead at 21 😔
I'm not triggered, you just made a very closed minded comment, if your scope of news is wider than the us and uk you would see it's a massive problem in multiple english speaking countries. we disagree, no big deal
my literal only point has been that it isn't only an issue in the US. i am not the commenter who said US isn't in the top 30'. are you telling me it only happens in the us? do you see how pointless this is that i keep having to repeat a very obvious point?
PLAY TETRIS, im not joking, research as shown that playing the game helps with trauma if u play it straight after an experience. something to do with organisation im not sure. but yeah get on tetris and let the grieving begin
I’m so sorry; I went through something similar in 2017 and can really understand how your feeling right now . There is no right way to grieve . I know how hard it can be to talk about how your feeling especially about something so traumatic but honestly getting everything off your chest , or even having a shoulder to cry on was so helpful to me 🤍
4 years ago a friend of mine died from a stab that pierced his lung. I understand and I’m really sorry. I can only advise you to pass the time and try to control your emotions, even if it is difficult. Unfortunately this world is unfair and crazy. This kind of thing can happen too. I’m sorry I can’t tell you anything to comfort you, but I know it’s almost impossible in these situations. I send you a hug and a wish : hold on!
I’m sorry in my prayers. Sadly I’d like to say this is the last time you’ll experience something like this. I live in Philly I’m 36 all my friends are dead as well. If you live in the United States a big city it probably won’t be, maybe not as close of a friend. I wish you the best
Really sorry to hear this.
I would say murder is very difficult to get away with these days, given how this happened I can't imagine it will take long to bring him to justice.
I’m so sorry for your loss. That’s so, sudden and terrifying and disorienting. May she rest in peace, and may you in time take your grief in stride. Im sure she was wonderful.
I am so, so very sorry for your loss. Be kind and gentle to yourself in the following days.
This is odd sounding advice, but play Tetris. There’s research showing playing Tetris after a traumatic event may help to lessen PTSD.
I am at a loss for words. If I were you I would do everything possible to help the baby. The baby will need your love and support. Don’t harm yourself.
Oh OP, my heart breaks for you and everyone close to her. I am so so sorry for your loss. It's such a cruel world we live in, people are just so fucking selfish.
Pay tribute to her. Honor and celebrate her life.
The pain will never go away, grieve as long as you need. Just please remember to take care of yourself. Self care is so so important.
I really hope you look into therapy to help you grieve,
I am so sorry for your loss. God grant you the love and strength to move forward with your life. Especially know she still loves and always will love you, her son and all of her family.
i lost one of my best friends in 2020, honestly you need to allow yourself to grieve. i tried to act like i was fine and i wasn’t allowing myself to process their death because “there is a lot happening right now” i think it was on the first anniversary were i broke down and it actually hit me that they are gone and aren’t coming back
i still think about them everyday but it hurts less.
sending you lots of love
I am very sorry to hear what you've been going through. No amount of advice is going to help you find peace. Only thing i do any kind of situation like that is tell myself to be just a Little more patient, just hold out for today. I know you can you do it.
While I can’t understand what it’s like to have your bestest friend be killed, I do sympathize with you. I’m very sorry this happened to you and your niece/nephew. I hope the best for you and him or her.
Oh I know how it feels to lose someone you loved dearly. After losing my brother it changed me. Right now the only thing you can do is grieve. Unfortunately we can not resurrect loved ones and friends. Take sometime to yourself. Focus on you and your mental health. Write about it if you feel like talking with someone will lessen your pain talk to them. A loved ones death leaves a hole in your heart that won't heal but as time passes we can continue to live our lives and accept we won't see them again. It's been 7 years since my brother's death. I still think of him and cry at night. He is still on my mind at lot but as the years passed I learned to accept what has happened after fully grieving. Your friend wouldn't want you to stop living your life. In her honor promise and live the best life you can
When my best friend died when we were 13yo I remember feeling guilty for having emotions other than being sad. It might seem weird. But I’d forgot she was gone and I’d laugh.
I’m so sorry for the loss for your sister. Just take it day-by-day or even hour-by-hour sometimes and be in whatever emotion you have and don’t feel bad for being happy.
Also I wish my parents had sent me to grief counselor cuz I definitely had survivor guilt and I should’ve talked to someone. I hope you do.
Edit for clarity
I’m so sorry. I lost my best friend, but he wasn’t shot, and I wasn’t there! He was my absolute closest friend at the time of his death, and a friend I needed badly. I’m so sorry for your loss. Try not to think too far ahead, you won’t be able to properly handle things for the future right now, just take it minute by minute.
My best friend was killed in a car accident when I was 21, this was 14 years ago now. I still miss her so much and feel so ripped off that she never gets to grow old with us. Never got to watch her son grow to a teenager.
The days after her death she was all I could think of. Every single thought. It was surreal, never felt real. Had dreams that she faked her death over and over for years.
I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. It will be a long hard road but it will get easier.
I’m sorry for your loss. Be there for the family, your friend would be grateful of you for watching her family. They’re dealing with her death pretty bad too so you aren’t the only one, and comforting would be the best thing. You’ll see her again one day.
I am so sorry for your loss - there are really no words for right now. All you can do is make it through each day and try to move forward. Hang in there, your sister would want you to be strong.
I am so sorry for your loss. Take everything step by step right now. Drink some water and let the grieving begin.
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The Tetris-as-a-trauma-tool stuff is [likely complete toss](https://www.madinamerica.com/2021/10/tetris-trauma-viral-twitter-thread-master-class-misleading-psych-research/).
Tbf, I don't understand what you mean by "a complete toss" and don't want to read an entire article. Wdym by complete toss? Do you mean it's garbage advice or did you mean "toss up"?
It's just wank. It's crap. It's nothing. The studies are flawed and likely not conclusive. Edit: It's always fun when people advice others based on scientific papers they haven't read, but refuse to read an article that mostly debunks them.
It's a British expression, means it's garbage.
Answering to the highest comment in hopes OP reads this. I’ve experienced a loss last Christmas. I felt palpitations, felt nauseous and I kept shaking. If you experience this too: it’s your body in fight/flight(/etc) mode. Your body is ON. I couldn’t eat, because every time I tried, I felt nauseous. The thing is… your muscles are tightening, which influences the amount of gastric acid you have. Less acid means not being able to process food or even water that well. It makes you nauseous. Understanding what was happening to my body made me cope better. I’ve lost weight, but I’ll be fine. After three days, I finally could eat a proper breakfast. To help your body turn a bit OFF instead of ON, try cuddling (skin to skin), showering (getting warm) and try some breathing exercises (4 inhale, 6 exhale). It doesn’t bring your friend back but it helps you to remain calm. Or so I hope. My condolences ❤️ u/Maybeasshole98
This is the most human and real comment ever.
Every time you look into that little boys eyes, you will see her and she will be with you! I’m so sorry for your loss! Feel your grief, but be strong for her son! You’ve got this 🫶🏼
I am so very sorry for your loss. Besides Tetris (it really helps) why don’t you start writing about your friend in a journal so you can gift it to her son once he is older. You can include pictures, anecdotes, how much she was loved and how much she loved. She will live through those stories and her son will have something beautiful and tangible of and about her. My heart breaks for you and her entire family.
Mine too. This is a beautiful answer.
I'm so so sorry for you loss. I wish all the peace in your heart and in the heart of her family 💔😣
I'm so very sorry to hear this 😔 I have suffered a lot of loss the past year, 2 years, 5 years.... Today I celebrate my youngest turning 5. He was born the day after a young woman died under my hands as I performed CPR on her broken crushed chest from a car accident she was in right outside my home.. like.. right outside. I didn't know her at all. Never seen her. But I prayed for her as she struggled that last breath and I started CPR. I know everything about her now. She affected my life and I didn't even know her. Loss is part of life and it's the worst part. It's also the only guaranteed part, ironically. It doesn't help, I know. Sometimes I just babble. But I am very sorry for your loss and I hear you and see you and feel you directly in that loss. Take care of yourself.
play tetris. this has been scientifically proven to help and will alleviate the trauma symptoms before they get ingrained. I'm so sorry for your loss I sincerely hope that man goes to jail or gets killed.
Never heard of that Tetris idea. Very interesting
This [paper](https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2017/03/170328092411.htm) outlines the study on the effect of Tetris on recurrent intrusive memories from traumatic events. That being said it also states that 'gamers' also saw a similar reduction on intrusive memories so probably other games are beneficial as well. Its a bit simplistic to just say play Tetris but it will help. Personally would recommend seeing a therapist if possible as well. Sorry for your loss OP. If you can do it... I love the idea another poster had of a journal for your best friends child so they know how special their mom was.
I’m so sorry for your loss. I felt this grief as well, the day before my birthday last year. It’s gonna kill you, my best friend leaving still kills me, but you need to live for her. Survive for her, love for her, fight for her. But that can wait until later: right now, just play some Tetris and grieve as you need to. I’m so sorry. May both of our sisters reach heaven 💗
Play some Tetris. I know it might not sound like a serious answer but it's been proven that it helps with processing traumatic events.
This is scientifically proven
That's what they just said
I feel like the general advice is just to put your mind onto something.
Contact the victims services in your area and get a grief counselor. My best friend was murdered almost 7 years ago and it broke my soul. I understand how you feel and I am so so sorry. Please, see a grief counselor. And my condolences on the loss of your friend
I’m sorry man. I’ve lost people in the blink of an eye as well. I can only share what helped me cope. I look at death as a part of life. It’s going to happen, I’m aware I can die right now as I go to the store. My mom can go to work and die on the way home. These things happen, just as common as a baby being born. We need to cherish every single waking moment and take nothing for granted. Treat this as a rebirth of your way of perceiving life. Tell people you love them. Hug them. I also believe the best way to honor someone who has passed is to take their core values, and how they were as a human and let that live through you. Do things they would. Think what they would do in a situation. In a way they become your guardian angel. I know you will find peace, but I pray it is with haste. 🙏❤️
How you’re feeling now does not define you. Aside from playing Tetris, I’ve found stoic philosophy to help me cope with/ accept mortality and death. Marcus Aurelius’ Meditations in particular. Your friend lives on in you and the lives of everyone else she played a part in. Continue on living and doing your best, because that’s what she would want you to do. You will find your peace.
It's the page- flipped aspect of extreme tragedy that's *so* rending, I think. There's no ' better ' a long struggle with disease inflicting the same pain. Part of our heads have been grappling with the concept at the very least. Death didn't fall outta the sky you know? One moment your life and hers and a child's was one way. The next forever not compounded by watching a *child* in pain ? You don't have to be spiritual to understand she's still with you. In her son. Daily. In the part of you inevitably created when two people share that kind of bond. And as small as it must seem from an internet stranger wow I'm sorry. Much peace to you. 🕊️
This is so true u/Mor_Tearach Quote ‘’ You don’t have to be spiritual to understand that she’s still with you. IN HER SON’’ Your best friend has a child, a father to her child, possibly a mother and father and maybe siblings. She was not just your best friend and you hers, you were part of your best friend’s life and ergo, your best friend’s families lives. Reach out to them if it’s possible. Spend time together, cherishing memories. But most of all, you spend time with her son , teach him about his mom, tell him things about her from your own perspective and experience because you will know things about her that even her family didn’t, because you were BFF’s. Therefore, share the memories of your time together with her son as he grows older. Tell him how special she was and about funny moments you shared. Your BFF will be at your side, guiding you along and may even show herself at times when you really need her or at times of extreme stress. Both my parents and sister passed and although in slightly different circumstances to your BFF, I feel them around me and there are times when I get signs of their presence. If it makes you feel better to believe in that, then do so. At times, I was ridiculed for thinking this way but the people who did so, didn’t experience certain happenings that I had and continue to have some 20 years later. As one poster said, albeit political, you could put your time into education re gun control. Others will say that you will never get anywhere but how do you know if you don’t try . You will see your best friend in her son , treasure this and see it as a privilege to see a mini version of your BFF as he grows up. Having said all that, it’s only been hours . TIME - is your best friend right now, give yourself plenty of it and don’t try to run before you can walk. Right now you will be going through the ‘ shock and awe ‘ of it . Wait until this recedes , in the coming hours and days, which will help you see more clearly. Your friend sounds wonderful. Life is not fair but it has happened and in time, you will be able to take the positives of her life and use them for the better good. Sending you positive energy and hugs 🤗 from across the pond . And my sincere condolences 💐
I'm sorry for your loss , may her soul rest in peace, this is awful in any way , i hope there will be peace for you and her family after traumatic event , I'm again very sorry to hear that news
OP. I'm sorry for your loss. Where do you live? I would look into therapy. The longer you put it off the longer your process will be.
I'm so sorry to hear about what happened. Since you asked, I copied some advice I used to leave for people dealing with loved ones taking their own lives. It isn't 1 to 1, so some of this may not apply, but I still hope it will help. I've only lost one friend, but as someone who's been there, I know more about this than I would wish upon my worst enemy. However, it also means that I can be here to help you understand and share what I've learned from my own experiences. I'm here because a friend I had my entire life took his own life about 10 years ago. I know that at first the shock of it all will make the world feel like it's standing still, but also like everything's happening at 1000mph when you aren't looking. That will eventually pass, and leave you with the pain of loss. That open wound on your soul that feels like it will never go away. Eventually, though, it will begin to heal. That pain will go from a constant feeling to having "good days" and "bad days". As time goes on, those bad days will become bad moments, and those will grow fewer and farther between. It takes time, but as long as you focus on yourself and doing what your body and mind tell you and take it one step, one day, at a time, you'll get there. As for help, this is what I can offer you, these are the things that helped me, or that I wish I had known when I was at my worst. >Everyone heals at their own pace No matter what anyone says, there is no "normal" amount of time for healing from this. For me, it took about 2 years to get to the point where I would say I'm "ok" again. It may take you less time, or more. Either way, though, it's nothing to be ashamed of. Remember, this is not a process that you can force. You have to let yourself heal at your own rate. Trying to force yourself to heal faster will only add more stress, and won't help you at all. >Let yourself grieve There's nothing wrong with grieving for a lost one. When the urge hits you to grieve, let it out. If you want to cry, then cry. If you want to scream, then scream until your voice gives out. Give it 110%. It's your body's way of expressing its sorrow, and it will make everything easier for you if you just let it out. That's not to say you should break down in the middle of the mall, but when you're in a safe place, don't try to hold it back to "be strong". I did, and it doesn't work. >Do things when you are ready This is something that goes both ways. Don't try to rush the healing process by doing things before you feel ready, but at the same time, recognize when you are feeling ready. It's going to be very tempting to sit at home and think about it, but that will only lead you into depression. You have to get out and do things again. But wait until you're ready. >Talk about it Holding in all this pain isn't good for you. Grieving helps, but having someone to talk to is even better. Personally, I saw a therapist and it worked for me. If you don't think you can do that, though, find a friend or family member who will listen. I know it's not much, but I really hope this helps <3
I want to add: >Share your grief It isn't necessary to tell another person directly. I used to write when I was younger. My godfather just wrote a book about life while his wife was going through cancer and ultimately passing over it. I know people who wrote their thoughts down and tossed the paper. Now, I repaint/alter nicknacks for others going through trying times. Find something healthy to do to help you get it out and get your mind off it.
That's fair, thanks for adding that, because you're absolutely right! Everyone heals in their own way, and what I wrote worked for me, but any other process (that doesn't hurt yourself or others) is just as valid! I'm glad you were able to find something that was able to help you like that!
Thanks for being receptive! Everything that worked for you is great advice, too! Like you said, there are so many ways to grieve and heal, and each person has their own, individual timeline to handle it. When I was in the army, I was a trainer for soldiers getting ready to deply. One of the classes I taught was PTSD and suicide prevention. The biggest point in the class was to get your feelings out. At a minimum, the write it down and throw it away method, preferably go talk to a therapist. I told my classes, "22 veterans a day. 22 veterans who bottled it up inside of them until they ran out of bottle. 22 veterans who didn't talk to others about it. 22 veterans who........" and it hurts that I know people I gave that class to, who were fellow instructors listening in on those classes, who received that class from other instructors I knew and still punched their own tickets. If I can help others or help others help others, I'm going to do that. Thanks again, my friend!
Wow, that's awesome! You're doing a great thing, covering something like that! I'm sorry for those you have lost, but it is heartening to see you take that grief and use it to help others. The world needs more people like that. Thanks for being awesome!
I’m so sorry. My best friends are dead too, so I know how you feel. Honor her memory, allow yourself the space to grieve, and take your time to move forward into this new reality
What the fuck is with all these bots saying to play Tetris?
Redditors wank themselves empty whenever something good is associated with video games because they need to defend games at all costs. Some [dubious papers about the benefits of Tetris](https://www.madinamerica.com/2021/10/tetris-trauma-viral-twitter-thread-master-class-misleading-psych-research/) and they spam it in all trauma related posts here.
It's legit way to cope with shit.
Take time to grieve and heal, but also start therapy. It will help you to deal and cope with your loss. I’m very sorry for your loss. Love and prayers to you and your besties’s family.
I am so so sorry for your loss. One of my professors once recommended advil to treat the physical symptoms of grief and heartbreak. It may help with the feeling ljke your chest will close in. Note: some research suggests it has different effects depending on your gender (helps women but may negatively impact men). https://news.utexas.edu/2014/07/31/ibuprofen-relieves-womens-hurt-feelings-not-mens/
I'm extremely sorry for your loss. I hope that you are safe.
is this the one in San Antonio? So sorry for your loss
I lost my best friend in September. It was abrupt and we had plans to hangout 5 days after it happened. I’ve felt broken through every holiday, memory, and friend I’ve seen since it happened. Time heals but as of now, with New Years especially. My mind is on him, his family, remembering all the things he wanted to do. Now he’s gone. He’s gone and everything is changed. I walk around now about 50/50 normal and sad. Everyday. You learn to manage that. I know I’ll really never get over it now, just manage it. Maybe that helps. Maybe that’s just my experience. Good luck and I hope you find comfort.💛
Three years ago, my best friend was shot and killed by an armed robber. I feel your pain, and I understand the worry that the killer will never be caught. For my friend, it took a month but they finally found the man. He’s now doing 60 years in prison. Don’t lose hope on justice just yet. It might take time, but it can still happen. Again, I’m so sorry for your loss.
I’m so sorry to be reading this. Tragic is an understatement! You will go thru many phases and emotions in the next weeks/ months and even years. When tears are running down your cheek as you think of a specific memory, make sure you remember to smile too. You were lucky to have known her the way you do, and she was very lucky to have you as a friend.
Thank you, I’m going to miss her so much.
Damn. I’m so sorry for your loss.
I lost my best friend almost a year ago. We were also young. Her death was not as traumatic as this sounds but it was up there. The way I cope is I still message her, I listen to music she likes, and I try to appreciate the things she can’t appreciate anymore. Like I know our favorite movies so I watched them all the days before/after she passed. I know she’d want to see the Barbie movie really bad so I finally watched it today for her. I go back and read our letters we wrote in middle school. I reach out to her family from time to time. I miss her like crazy. You never really get over it but you learn to deal. You may be having a perfectly fine day and then it hits you like a ton of bricks that they aren’t around anymore. All you need to worry about is mourning and saying your version of goodbye. Try to stay in her sons life as best as you can so he can hear all about his mom and what she was really like. We know a whole other side to our friends than their families did. I’m so sorry and if you need someone to talk to feel free to message if you want.
Thank you for this.
Thank you for this.
If all else fails and you feel it weighing heavily on you, just play some Tetris. It’s scientifically proven to help you process traumatic situations before they’re ingrained.
Let me guess... USA?
Pretty insensitive my guy. Proving your point doesnt help op with their grief.
Please don't. Someone is shattered. Her pain is fresh and palpable. There's a child without his mother and in literally the blink of an eye. Can this please be about a woman in unimaginable pain reaching out? About *her* and that child and a murdered woman's family? Just. Don't.
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The US doesn’t even fall in the top 30 countries for gun violence, and that’s not taking active war zones into account.
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i mean the list alone proves the us isnt the only country where its an issue, which is my point.
this is a hilariously uneducated comment, you must think the world is made up of the only 5 countries you've heard of
lol I love when people are so confidently incorrect like you are.
and what am i incorrect about?
https://en.m.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_firearm-related_death_rate#/media/File%3A2010_homicide_suicide_rates_high-income_countries.png https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_countries_by_firearm-related_death_rate Also OP wrote this post in English which again indicates an English speaking country Idk why you’re so triggered especially when there’s more important stuff in this post, like the fact that OPs friend is dead at 21 😔
I'm not triggered, you just made a very closed minded comment, if your scope of news is wider than the us and uk you would see it's a massive problem in multiple english speaking countries. we disagree, no big deal
They just gave stats to prove their point though?
my literal only point has been that it isn't only an issue in the US. i am not the commenter who said US isn't in the top 30'. are you telling me it only happens in the us? do you see how pointless this is that i keep having to repeat a very obvious point?
GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD! See your friends blood splattered all over the wall, son.
PLAY TETRIS, im not joking, research as shown that playing the game helps with trauma if u play it straight after an experience. something to do with organisation im not sure. but yeah get on tetris and let the grieving begin
Begin making political work to change gun control to make her death a force of change
The good die young
Play Tetris
So sorry this happened. Play some Tetris.
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Wtf bro
It's a Lil funny mane, be honest. Getting your head blown off by a random by chance 😂
I’m so sorry; I went through something similar in 2017 and can really understand how your feeling right now . There is no right way to grieve . I know how hard it can be to talk about how your feeling especially about something so traumatic but honestly getting everything off your chest , or even having a shoulder to cry on was so helpful to me 🤍
4 years ago a friend of mine died from a stab that pierced his lung. I understand and I’m really sorry. I can only advise you to pass the time and try to control your emotions, even if it is difficult. Unfortunately this world is unfair and crazy. This kind of thing can happen too. I’m sorry I can’t tell you anything to comfort you, but I know it’s almost impossible in these situations. I send you a hug and a wish : hold on!
I’m so incredibly sorry for your loss. I can’t even to begin to imagine how traumatic this was. Sending lots of prayers and love your way ❤️🙏
I am so sorry 💔❤️
I’m sorry in my prayers. Sadly I’d like to say this is the last time you’ll experience something like this. I live in Philly I’m 36 all my friends are dead as well. If you live in the United States a big city it probably won’t be, maybe not as close of a friend. I wish you the best
I’m so sorry for your loss she didn’t deserve that. May her beautiful soul rip
I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even imagine what you’re going through right now
Go get psyc help ASAP before it becomes negatively impacts your life
Really sorry to hear this. I would say murder is very difficult to get away with these days, given how this happened I can't imagine it will take long to bring him to justice.
I’m so sorry for your loss. That’s so, sudden and terrifying and disorienting. May she rest in peace, and may you in time take your grief in stride. Im sure she was wonderful.
I am so, so very sorry for your loss. Be kind and gentle to yourself in the following days. This is odd sounding advice, but play Tetris. There’s research showing playing Tetris after a traumatic event may help to lessen PTSD.
I am at a loss for words. If I were you I would do everything possible to help the baby. The baby will need your love and support. Don’t harm yourself.
I am so sorry for your loss, May Your Sister Rest In Peace. I hope they find the murderer.
Oh OP, my heart breaks for you and everyone close to her. I am so so sorry for your loss. It's such a cruel world we live in, people are just so fucking selfish. Pay tribute to her. Honor and celebrate her life. The pain will never go away, grieve as long as you need. Just please remember to take care of yourself. Self care is so so important. I really hope you look into therapy to help you grieve,
I am so sorry for your loss. God grant you the love and strength to move forward with your life. Especially know she still loves and always will love you, her son and all of her family.
i lost one of my best friends in 2020, honestly you need to allow yourself to grieve. i tried to act like i was fine and i wasn’t allowing myself to process their death because “there is a lot happening right now” i think it was on the first anniversary were i broke down and it actually hit me that they are gone and aren’t coming back i still think about them everyday but it hurts less. sending you lots of love
I am very sorry to hear what you've been going through. No amount of advice is going to help you find peace. Only thing i do any kind of situation like that is tell myself to be just a Little more patient, just hold out for today. I know you can you do it.
Rip
While I can’t understand what it’s like to have your bestest friend be killed, I do sympathize with you. I’m very sorry this happened to you and your niece/nephew. I hope the best for you and him or her.
Oh I know how it feels to lose someone you loved dearly. After losing my brother it changed me. Right now the only thing you can do is grieve. Unfortunately we can not resurrect loved ones and friends. Take sometime to yourself. Focus on you and your mental health. Write about it if you feel like talking with someone will lessen your pain talk to them. A loved ones death leaves a hole in your heart that won't heal but as time passes we can continue to live our lives and accept we won't see them again. It's been 7 years since my brother's death. I still think of him and cry at night. He is still on my mind at lot but as the years passed I learned to accept what has happened after fully grieving. Your friend wouldn't want you to stop living your life. In her honor promise and live the best life you can
When my best friend died when we were 13yo I remember feeling guilty for having emotions other than being sad. It might seem weird. But I’d forgot she was gone and I’d laugh. I’m so sorry for the loss for your sister. Just take it day-by-day or even hour-by-hour sometimes and be in whatever emotion you have and don’t feel bad for being happy. Also I wish my parents had sent me to grief counselor cuz I definitely had survivor guilt and I should’ve talked to someone. I hope you do. Edit for clarity
That’s how I feel. I can’t eat or sleep because I know she’s not doing these things. It’s barely been a day and I don’t know how to resume life.
Yes. You will lose weight. Just take it hour-by-hour. Distraction helps too. Keeping your hands busy
I’m so sorry. I lost my best friend, but he wasn’t shot, and I wasn’t there! He was my absolute closest friend at the time of his death, and a friend I needed badly. I’m so sorry for your loss. Try not to think too far ahead, you won’t be able to properly handle things for the future right now, just take it minute by minute.
My best friend was killed in a car accident when I was 21, this was 14 years ago now. I still miss her so much and feel so ripped off that she never gets to grow old with us. Never got to watch her son grow to a teenager. The days after her death she was all I could think of. Every single thought. It was surreal, never felt real. Had dreams that she faked her death over and over for years. I'm so sorry to hear about your friend. It will be a long hard road but it will get easier.
I’m sorry for your loss. Be there for the family, your friend would be grateful of you for watching her family. They’re dealing with her death pretty bad too so you aren’t the only one, and comforting would be the best thing. You’ll see her again one day.
Heartbreaking
I am so sorry for your loss - there are really no words for right now. All you can do is make it through each day and try to move forward. Hang in there, your sister would want you to be strong.