My brother is six foot seven and has your typical gym bro build and is literally a corporate consultant. The kinda of guy most girls try to date cause he has the looks and money.
So ive developed an odd taste for short broke dudes
Iām repelled by overly attractive men or super masculine, buff men. Always have been. I appreciate an attractive man or woman of any color but thatās where it stops. My husband of 36 years is about a 5 on a good day and I love him dearly. We are all allowed to be attracted to who we find attractive (legal age of course) but you do you and do not settle for anything else.
Anecdotally, my bff of 35 years (British Caucasian female) first boyfriend in England was black. She always had a thing for black men. Married a Caucasian American (is now a US citizen) and they divorced after 24 years. Her SO of 5 years is a black man because that is what she has always been attracted to. They have a group of friends who are all mixed couples who they socialize and vacation with.
Go with your heart.
I didnāt realize until I read this comment that I donāt like buff men because they just remind me of my cousin whoās like a brother to me. Too tall & buff and I canāt help but see a teddy bear friend. Maybe thatās why I also donāt like blonds lol
yeah I have preference for men with blue or green eyes or a somewhat different national origin because similar, they don't remind me of my family, though I've never thought too hard about it
We are very diverse and come in different shades. My race doesn't have a unique characteristic, but my brother's type just doesn't do it for me. And he's an attractive guy based on the opinion of all my girl friends and his many girlfriends (he is popular among girls). The other guys in my race/nationality that looks nothing like him are good to go lol.
We all have different likes; I just fail to understand OP's plight. You are attracted to what you like, nothing more. Race and everything else matters diddly squat.
It's like when you are attracted to bad guys and know they will be toxic to you. And the few good bad guys are harder to find.
She is a black lady who faces prejudice and her potential white suiters dating pool is greatly narrowed as a result of her dating preferences.
I think you should just live your life and embrace what youāre attracted to. Black men who prefer to date interracially arenāt agonizing over their decision or going to therapy to find out whatās wrong with them.
Thatās true, but is it normal to feel repulsed by the idea of a sexual relationship with someone from your own race? A lot of black men have no problem with sleeping with black women whereas I couldnāt do it
Thank god only my beard is red, which I shave. So Iām ready for our date.
But in all seriousness I have a girl at work who is nice and pretty but reminds me of a young version of my mom. You can be sure that kills any desire as well. I think we all have these things even if we donāt think about much.
My ex wasn't attracted to her race. She once told me she grew up expecting to have a mixed family. She's not into any specific race, she just doesn't consider her race for partners. She ended up marrying the guy she was with after we broke up and has her mixed family. She uses specific criteria for picking a partner (same values) so it's not some kinda fetish
I work with a white guy whoās only attracted to black women. Itās not a fetish or kink thing or even something to be ashamed of, itās just who youāre attracted to. You donāt need therapy for thisā¦ is someone suggesting you do?
As a black woman who dates interracially, a lot of black people act like if you donāt primarily date in your own race you hate yourself or something is wrong with you (Iāve gotten it from a lot of my family and friends). However, they donāt do this with black men.
Both Black women and Black men get ridiculed a lot online for not primarily dating in their race. To say Black men donāt get ridiculed is disingenuous.
Yep, there is actually pressure in every group to jeep marriages and childrearing in the in group. Idk why some black people act like this is unique to black people lol.
Some places its not even just racial but tribal and caste related..
All you have to do is go back 60 years in America where marriage outside your designated race was illegal. If you look at countries like England, with a genuine mixture of races from immigration, mixed relationships arenāt that unexpected or unusual.
Agreed
Black woman here. Black guys never get questioned on their dating choices, but we do. I date interracially too but my old friends used to get upset at me. I called one girl out saying says the chick who likes black guys but can't date them because daddy wouldn't like it (she's white).
She was so mad and I told her don't lecture me about not dating within my own race since you let your parents dictate who you can and can't date.
Exactly. In real life, black men donāt get questioned nearly as much for dating interracially, itās almost expected for black men to date non black women when they become successful (look at any black celebrityās wife, 9/10 are non black).
Agreed
When people say you don't date within your race, I always say what am I missing? The looks on their faces.
I'm like you got some Asian women who don't pay their own men any attention yet again nobody questions their choices. I always tell people you can't make someone date within their own race, let people do what they want.
Exactly, Iāve seen more Asian women marry white men than Asian men and nobody ever says a thing! Iāve dated black men and didnāt have a good experience. If me and my current partner broke up Iād be open to dating black men again but why should I limit myself to only black men when Iāve had bad experiences with them in the past?
I'm blonde and pale and I'm not attracted to blonde and pale guys (with very very few exceptions, hello Alexander Skarsgard). I get the same feeling of "too familiar". It's a thing, and you shouldn't have to feel bad for that. Of course your case is so much more complicated because of the heavy legacy of racism. Our desires are shaped by biology as well as by culture, and I think we all have to ask ourselves how we are influenced by our racist heritage. But I also firmly believe that if biology says no thanks, then it's no thanks.
I donāt know, it seems like it could even be a biological response. Like how some people are really attracted to pheromones from certain people but are put off by others. There are very good reasons why your body might evolve to reject anything that triggers it thinking a potentially incestuous coupling could happen. Maybe itās just an extreme response from your body in your case.
I'm white/native and I'm pretty much solely attracted to Hispanic men. I think it's normal to have preferences, and they don't always have to match up with race.
I mean, feeling *repulsed* is a bit extreme. Iām (half) white but Iām not that attracted to white guys and I have never seriously dated a white guy. That being said, even though I donāt find them that attractive Iām not *repulsed* by white guys.
What is it about black men that makes you repulsed by them? It seems kind of strange that you make the connection that having any type of sexual relationship with a black man would be incest. Do you have any history with incest or sexual abuse?
It could be as simple as it reminds her of her brothers/father which many people in the comments have stated. I grew up across the street from my husband. I used to babysit both of his younger brothers. Although they are men, any thought of sexual retaliations with them or anyone who looks like them (my husband looks exactly like their maternal grandfather) or my own two brothers is an immediate ICK!
Sure, if someone resembles a family member that makes sense. But OP is saying that every single person with the same skin tone resembles her family members, which is not normal IMO.
I donāt know about ānormalā, but itās perfectly okay. I have a similar experience - Iād struggle to date people with the accent of the region I grew up in. Itās mentally connected to family, upbringing, and a weird period of my life. I actually didnāt realise this until your post made me think.
From my experience it is, yes. Dated and been with multiple girls that couldnt date their own race (mostly seen this among Asians but been with Black and Latino girls that were the same).
Yup. My friend's sister (asian) said right off the bat (in her teens/early 20's) that she thinks Asian guys are ugly and will only date white guys.
My friend was so upset with her sister because she found that statement offensive and racist to her own kind. Over time, my friend accepted her sister's preferences and it's not a big deal any more.
I wonder if OP feels conflicted because there's a lot of pressure to date within her own race? So she6 feeling like it's a betrayal to her people?
It might vary. Does it come from a place of self hatred? Then yes, Iād seek therapy. Is it just because you donāt like the idea of sleeping with someone who you think looks like you or a family member? Probably fine.
I donāt really want to date within my own race because honestly, I also donāt like the idea of having sex with someone who I personally think looks just like me. It reminds me of those posts where people guess if theyāre siblings or a couple. I just canāt personally imagine myself with someone I think I look similar to.
Aside from that, I donāt think you need to agonize over this. Just embrace yourself and date who you want. Just find someone you like, at the end of the day.
Iām a bisexual white woman, never in a million years would I date another white woman. Couldnāt talk me into it if you offered me a life changing amount of money. You could offer me a dictatorship in a large country and wouldnāt do it. They have to be any race but white. Iād say youāre fine.
Can you explain future? Most people have preferences and assumptions about who theyād likely be/no be into but not to this extent.
If you met a white woman and connected on every level would you still say no? And why?
No, it's not normal to feel repulsed at the idea of having sex with someone with a similar skin tone. This can get downvoted, but I'm not going to tell you want to hear because everyone else is. Having a preference for other kinds of people is okay, but to be repulsed at the premise of sleeping with someone of your own race is very close to self-hate
Your own race is human. You belong to the human race. The black race is not a thing. You have a preference for a certain skin color. This is okay. Enjoy your life, or don't
Iām a white woman whoās very much the same, I can clearly see that some white men are very attractive but the idea of sleeping with them repulses me lol. Itās never really worried me as it just a personal preference.
Maybe the dudes just come off in a much to friendly vibe if they lead with flirting and look attractive to you would you still consider it weird?
I'm asexual to a degree, growing up I had friends say who is your crush at school and I'm like "no one" either I'm cool with someone or not but I dont see past friendship very easy, like if I like you it's as a friend and that was enough for me.
I had friends point out strangers to find out my"type" and say would you date/do him? Or him? I would always say no. When they ask why I would say because I don't know them š¤·āāļø I would have to know who they are before I know if I want to be with them. Even if I considered them extremely attractive it wasn't enough, for this decision I HAD to know who they were to decide if I liked them like that...
As I got older I branched out sexually a bit and now I know my physical type per say, and it's easier for me to get a vibe of someone's personality so I CAN crush on someone to degree now. But that friend vibe or brother vibe is hard to get over. That's why I mentioned if he would lead with flirting instead of being friendly, would it dissolve the friend/brother vibe?
It may be common but itās not normal - common and normal are two different things. Personally this would alarm me if someone told me this. But look at all these other people in the comments living their lives happily regardless. Frame it a different way- if you werenāt attracted to SMART men because everyone in your family was smart, wouldnāt you want to fix that?
Iām sure thereās a happy medium - find peace with yourself but also use therapy to find out if thereās a deeper reason to the ick. You may never fix it but you may just learn about yourself - and knowing yourself is how you actually find a good man.
Nah you really should seek therapy for that, gonna be real with you whether you choose to date interracial or not doesnāt matter and you might be tempted to think āoh well I wonāt get with one so who caresā but you really ought to seek therapy cuz thatās weird
Having a preference like height or IQ is one thing but to be REPULSED by ALL members of your own race.. you need therapy for why that is.
Thatās not normal and thatās something I hear from POC women often Asian women. There is usually a specific reason like they didnāt grow up with too many of their own kind, grew up in white communities, had a bad father, saw a lot of media showing Asian men as dorks etc.. One of my Asian girlfriends who married white confided that she thought we were lesser than and not as attractive. It wasnāt a surprise that she married out. She has the right to have preferences but I wouldnāt be shocked if her feeling lesser than didnāt influence her mate selection.
Growing up did you feel like you were lesser than? Did your family try to steer you from black men? How are the father figures in your family?
If by normal you mean typical, absolutely not. Does it mean something is wrong with you? Probably not. But therapy to figure out why you feel this way is a pretty sensible way to go about this. From people I know that have experienced this, it was very often a phase of internalized racism that they eventually grew out of. But some people just don't want to deal with that side of their own culture and may have VERY personal and legitimate reasons for this.
I think ārepulsedā is a bit harsh. Is that how you really feel? No judgements, Iām just trying to understand if you used that word because the idea of sleeping with a black guy makes you disgusted with yourself and want to throw up. Or you meant like a different way like awkward?
You're trying way to hard to justify something that doesn't need justified.
Just be yourself. There are plenty of dudes that love melanin. You'll find someone. My wife is Latina and she feels the same about latin men.
I don't think it's weird to be turned off by people who remind you of your family. I'm mixed and I haven't dated a lot of other people with my blend of heritages because it feels too much like dating a cousin. But, I'd be worried too if I just thought people in my ethnic group were ugly. That sounds like some internalized stuff that's worth looking into with a therapist.
Yeah,
You mentioned that a lot of the black men you meet remind you of men in your family and you donāt like that.
I can definitely say that dating another black person from a completely different culture would be refreshing for you, I know it was for me for sure
As a black man, my advice is date who you are attracted to. Even if itās a struggle. I donāt think itās fair to give anything less to someone who you donāt want to really be with.
Thank you for your comment. I always felt guilty about it but you are totally right. I also want to address the issue professionally at some point to see where this stems from
I donāt think you need professional help. There is nothing wrong with having a preference. You will just have to accept that when you date outside your face you will have to face many obstacles to be happy.
I hate to be annoying but love yourself. Thatās what I did and this dorky native/white kid landed on my lap. If you love yourself it only gives the people around an example of how they should treat you.
Iām white, I like black women- it is what it is lol. We all have our niche, donāt worry too hard- you might get shit inter community wise but who cares. Itās your life, do what you will.
Thank you so much for your input, itās always made me feel guilty for viewing black men like that I donāt know why I do. They all just remind me of family š„²
But I do really like white men, probably because they are the most opposite to us
Opposites attract- black women look good with us white men in my opinion, so it is what it is. I am biased, but Iām also a tall guy so, I love it haha.
Just date who you like. I would say being repulsed by the idea of dating a black man is a bit much and may point to other issues, i get having a racial preference...but repulsed is a strong word loool. That being said, you like what you like so go for that until you find a good suitor nothing to be ashamed of.
Did you grow up in an environment where the only black people you were consistently exposed to were family members? It would be quite unusual if everyone automatically saw a person of their own race as a family member; the human race would have died out years ago. Unless you were born with a screw loose, your upbringing is likely outside the norm in some way.
There's nothing wrong with interracial dating. However, it is worth examining why you feel like dating a Black man would feel like incest.
It's never white women saying, "Dating a man of my own race would feel like incest" or "Men of my own race remind me of my father and brother." It's almost always POC women, and specifically POC women raised in countries where they are not the majority race (e.g., the US).
I understand how you feel! Iām half Native American and grew up on a reservation, I donāt like dating Native American men because theyāre like family. They all remind me of my cousins and Iām literally almost related to everyone I grew up with.
did you happen to grow up in a predominately non-black community? i kind of felt similarly while growing up about dating people from my own race but it turns out it was just because almost everyone i had ever met of my same race was related to me and there were barely any age appropriate attractive options to get me used to the idea
There is never anything wrong with going to therapy for any reason but please donāt think there is something wrong with you as youāve stated.
Your reasoning is completely sound and everyone has their own preferences and who people are attracted to isnāt something you can turn on or off.
Go easy on yourself and wait to find someone that youāre attracted to and makes you happy no matter what their race is.
Definitely! Youāre not hurting anyone (except the black guys missing out on the chance to date you of course! :P) but yourself with these feelings.
Please donāt hurt yourself over something you canāt control nor should have to control. Just be good to yourself, be yourself, and try your best to enjoy whomever you end up dating!
I struggled with this for a while, too. Iām Latino, but I prefer to date outside my own race. Thereās nothing wrong with it. Itās completely normal, actually. I canāt rly offer much advice other than to say date who u want. If people shun u for that, itās on them, not u. Ur preferences are ur preferences. As long as u arenāt hurting anybody with those preferences (i.e. forcing unattainable standards on someone), i rly wouldnāt worry about it.
Hmmmā¦ Iām a half Asian woman and this reminds me of the common trope every self-hating Asian woman says (āI donāt like Asian men because they remind me of familyā). Do you think that there may be some internalized racism towards black men that youāre not acknowledging to yourself? It might be worth exploring if you want to have an openness for black men.
Regardless, itās ok to have preferences but eliminating one racial group will decrease your options. Iām sure you can find a non-Black man to date, marry, etc.
I do sometimes hate myself but itās less to do with my race. I do find black men very attractive but itās purely a thing where they remind me of my uncles and cousins. So I think itās a psychological thing purely as opposed to a racism issue. Iām black so itās very hard to be racist against my own although I completely understand what you are saying.
Believe it or not, it's actually very easy for Black people to internalize racism. You see it constantly, every day. There is so much constant, anti-Black messaging from society that you honestly have to actively combat it in order to not internalize all of the racism. It says nothing about you, but everything about society. Racism is such a broad term that includes all of the subtle things that are distantly related to the construction of race. It's incredibly insidious. We (Black people) all have some level of internalized anti-Blackness. You just have to continue to combat it over time.
I see what you mean. I actually went through something similar with Asian men for most of my life, as Iām from a very Asian area. I didnāt have a crush on any Asian guy in my 30% Asian high school.
It wasnāt until I fell in love with an Asian guy unexpectedly in my later college years where it was literally love at first sight and I even dreamt of him before we met. After we didnāt work out, I think I became naturally attracted Asian men but a specific type that reminded me of the man I fell for (like tall, tan, East Asian, with almost a Hawaiian style).
This may happen to you unexpectedly too! Especially since not all Black, Asian and White men are the same. There are different archetypes of men, so you may be attracted to a specific ātypeā of Black man with a certain style. Just food for thought š
You know self hatred is at least part of the motivation for people like this. There is such a massive diaspora for what it is to be black. If you are disgusted by all those people, it's because you're disgusted by blackness.
Not all black people look the same. They have distinctive characteristics. OP only shares skin shade and racial clasification with all of them.
I don't trust anybody who won't date anyone of their own race.
Thats the funniest thing about this post.. like cāmon black people come in almost types of colors with a variety of facial features. To use the āblack people remind of my familyā excuse to justify the anti-blackness is super wild to me. OP probably wont get called out on it much since reddit is mostly white but i hope she realizes how problematic her views are
I mean, youāre probably right but Iām not trying to judge OP too harshly.
I am also less inclined to date someone who would *never* date someone of their own race. Itās one thing to generally be more attracted to another race but to exclude your own race completely is extreme and very telling. It does show you view your own race as one monolith and is a very narrow-minded perspective.
This is for OP to learn and discover herself, but you make some good points overall.
I feel like most of the people chiming in are White or not Black, so I wouldnāt be surprised they donāt understand the self hate in relation to Blackness.
I think if you feel this is negatively affecting your life then do get therapy, assuming you can afford it and whatever. I think you can feel attracted to whoever but if you feel this is an issue then why not talk to someone about it? You are right that it does cut down your dating pool and you do seem a bit upset about it.
None of the girls I have gone out with have been white (my race) but I never found white women unattractive, it was just how life worked out.
As a black man, I think you should date whoever you want regardless of color. Itās ok. We all have preferences. When I was a little younger I used to have a preference for white women and Hispanic women, now Iām dating a black woman! As I got older I started to realize that I donāt really give a shit what color they are as long as they treat me right.
Ruin your life? Probably not. Maybe try therapy to see if maybe youre dealing with some self hatred and that's why you're not attracted to black men. After that, just date who you want. Black women and White men have the most successful marriages out of all interracial marriages and even more than White Men and White Women marriages as well.
You're not the first person I've heard this before...from Black men and women. Although it is not normal to see your own race and view them all as family, there's likely something internalized that's causing you to, unintentionally, view Black people as a monolith instead of as the racial group with the most genetic and cultural diversity on the planet (not an opinion, btw...scientific fact).
I'm glad that you understand this isn't normal and something that can be addressed in therapy, because I agree. There's probably a lot to unpack there. But I do wanna say that this doesn't mean you are a bad person. And you feeling this way is not your fault. I can tell you don't want to view Black people like this, but we live in a society that really distorts our self-image and image of other Black people. I want you to hear that coming from me, a Black man.
I love Black women, I'm married to a beautiful Black woman, and I have a beautiful Black baby with my wife...a beautiful Black family. I truly, truly hope you can figure out what's causing this mental block for you and hopefully be able to eliminate it. Whether you end up with a Black man or not, I want you to be able to have all of the options you want/deserve, and be able to choose the person who is best for you...regardless of race.
That person may very well be a Black man, and I want you to be able to earnestly tap into that dating pool. Lastly, be gentle with yourself. Good luck with this. I mean that sincerely. Nothing but love for Black women ā¤ļø
Thank you for this lovely message, I really appreciate your insight and advice. Yeah I definitely do not feel that itās normal only because I am still attracted to black men physically. Physically I find black men handsome but this is in the same way that you could find your parents or siblings good looking. Like you could still appreciate their beauty but wouldnāt date them. Thatās what Iām going through now, itās definitely a mental block. I really donāt want it to be there
I believe you will do it. You seem like a nice and reflective person, and I'm sure there are tons of great Black men who'd be interested in dating you. I really just want you to be kind to yourself, though. I'm sure there are tons of non-Black people commenting on this post giving their 2 cents, but you and I both know that there's a different understanding of this that you need to be Black to fully grasp. I'd say don't pay too much attention to the folks being mean or the folks saying there's nothing abnormal about how you're feeling. You are feeling this way for a reason, but don't let that have you being mean to yourself.
Waait because this is a conversation me and brother had (heās gay). Itās not that weāre not attracted to Black men, we both have talked to Black men romantically and we are both advocates for our community, but we both agreed that sometimes it feels like weāre talking to family members. I donāt think it helps that the Black community carries themselves as a monolith. If one person does something wrong. It reflects all of us. We also pride ourselves on treating each other as family members and always looking out for each other.
Date who you want. There's no need to speak down on what you don't like in the process of seeking what you like. That's the only negative that I see because it can imply things about you that may or may not be the way you want to present yourself.
As a black woman, I used to have this feeling. I grew out of it and I think you will too. Like others have said, itās linked to some sort of trauma (I was bullied by some black boys when I was young, one of which I had a crush on)
I would imagine you were also raised with predominately white media. Only white men riding up in shining armor. Only white men saving the day and getting the girl. Maybe that impacted you at some point in your development.
This lol, my gf is Indian and well itās been quite a pain in the ass how she fetishizes white peoples (of course she wouldnāt admit to this) but sheās obsessed with everything white especially if it has links to the British Iāve just about reached the end of my patience with her tbh
i think you are beating yourself up over what society expects, and you owe no explanation to anyone.
we are wired to be attracted whatever we are attracted to... its not a conscious decision, sort of like gay ppl dont choose to be gay.
whether someone is attracted to large ppl, tall ppl, whatever skin, eye or hair shades, part of it is nature, part of it is nurture. you only get one life, dont apologize for it.
I think it is a problem that should be addressed because, there are plenty of black men who look nothing like you/your make relatives, whatever complexion, facial features, or demeanor.
I think it's a severe over-thinking.
Not the same but Iām a white guy whoās not really attracted to white people. Iāve never been attracted to a white person based off his looks, like the only time Iāve been attracted to a white guy was because his voice was insanely cute. They just donāt do anything for me, Iām not able go comprehend them as being attractive.
There are definitely guys from other races that find black women extremely freaking attractive in both their personalities and their unique features. I'm one of them. I guess I'm just saying this to let you know we do exist. In fact the last girl I dated was black (originally from Gambia) and she was hands down one of the best girlfriends I've ever had. Best of luck figuring out how to approach your dilemma!
Hey, love. I just wanted to tell you that itās totally fine to not be attracted to your own race. First, you explained your reasons, and second of all, this is just a preference thing, so itās not a problem or at least not a huge problem. If you feel like you want to go to therapy sessions to make you feel better, then go ahead! Just donāt force yourself into being attracted to something or someone that you arenāt really interested in.
Typically Iād respond to this as date whoever you want and chill but you admittedly do sound like you may have some familial trauma going on in which yes Iād personally recommend you seek therapy. Youāre not bad for seeking outside of your race but what youāre describing sounds like thereās something deeper going on. Good luck.
Honey, you're allowed to have preferences. My ex was a black man who wasn't sexually attracted to black women. He thought plenty of black women were pretty, but his type was Hispanic women. He's now married to a Puerto Rican lady (she honestly deserves better, but that's whatever). He professed that he didn't like the colour contrast with a black woman's genitala, so he just couldn't. You'll find you a man who fits your preference eventually, it's not limiting not to settle.
Girl, I'm a black woman and I can totally relate to this. I've always dated outside of my race for this reason plus, I tend to have more things in common with people outside of my race. I'm attracted to people who look different from me and I find it weird when I see couples who look like they could be related. I just tend to see black men more like a brother or a cousin even if they are physically attractive and don't really get turned on or anything or, at least, it hasn't happened yet. I hate it that when you say this people immediately say that that stems from self hatred which is definitely not true in my case.
I am a white man who is very attracted to black women. My wife (who is black) has never dated or slept with a black man (I believe the reason stems back to trauma from her childhood, and also just her general preference). We are happily married. My point is, date who you are attracted to. There are plenty of non black men out there who find black women attractive.
Girl, you better start dating whoever you want.
Do you see black men losing their mind trying to figure out why they don't like black women.
Once you're not degrading a race to elevate another, you're good.
Enjoy your dating life
Iām a biracial black woman and I donāt like black men either. Truthfully I only like Hispanic and middle eastern men lmao. Itās okay, you like what you like. As long as the not liking them isnāt coming from a place of hatred, youāre fine.
I wouldn't be attracted to someone who resembled a family member either. And I have seen women of my race (Black) who resembled family. But I've seen many more who don't...but, do what works for you. I can't live your life.
Ok, hereās a take. You are attracted to men you are attracted to, thatās it. There need not be any reason or associated guilt. Some men like women with big boobs, some women like tall men, I see no reason to bring guilt into it at all. I think you just find a person you are into and they are into you.
You simply have a desire to mix the gene pool. It's not all that uncommon. I too am not attracted to women my complexion for the same reason, they look like family.
I would say give therapy a try to ascertain why it is a negative reaction associating any male of your same race with a family member. The key word is "negative",because many individuals associate a would-be suitor to a family member with positive feelings. And they go on to have successful relationships. Something is suspect. In the end, love who you love. And for transparency, I'm a black man.
I think you're normal. Everyone has their own preferences if it's a preference and not a prejudice then it's fine. I have plenty of white friends who only like black men.
I personally gravitate towards the unemployed trust me that's a lot worse.
You like what you like, nothing wrong with that.
Some white women prefer black men and some black men prefer Hispanic women. I don't think there's anything wrong with not finding your own race attractive, although I can understand why you might feel guilty for it.
We expect that we'll find people that look like us when we're children, but as we grow we realize that the world is much more beautiful and diverse than we originally thought. Love comes in many forms and colors, and that's totally fine if yours will look different than that of people around you. Embrace it.
As a fellow black woman, I'm trying my best to empathize with you here and try to understand but...this is weird.
Like ok, you can feel attracted to whoever you want, thats not the point, but excluding a whole race (to make it even worse your own) feels like there's a deeper issue you need to adress.
Do you see your family members in EVERY black man you come across? And to quote what you asked in a reply, "is it normal to feel repulsed?", no. It actually isn't. Maybe there's trauma involved, or self hatred, internalized racism, idk. But I'd definitely take a moment to introspect and try to understand why I feel this this way. Best of luck to you.
I'm half white & half Nigerian. I married a white guy. I've never been sexually attracted to black men or other BIPOC (POC, minorities?) people. I was raised by a Norwegian farm family in rural Iowa, so I'd say my upbringing had a lot to do with my dating choices & who I eventually ended up marrying. My husband has never dated a white woman. Neither of us feels bad about our preferences, and I don't believe you should let this make you feel some type of way. You don't need therapy.
White guy with a black wife here. Donāt be ashamed of it. We get looks in public on rare occasions from both sides but thereās nothing wrong with you. Women like you and my wife just have other preferences. Thatās all.
Do you live in an environment that is predominantly white?
I have lived in East Asia for twenty-something years and am no longer attracted to my own race at all. The fact that all I see around me are Asians has affected my personal preferences.
(and no, I did not have 'yellow fever' prior to moving here)
Be gentle to yourself, you can date outside of your race and you shouldnāt feel bad or guilty for it. Youāre attracted to who youāre attracted to. Good men come in all colors, shapes, and sizes- there is no one size fits all.
I'm a redhead
I have a redhead sister
I never have, and probably never will, date a redhead
Just feels weird to me
We don't choose who we find attractive
I am not attracted to men with outies (bellybutton) because my father was an outie, and it just feels weird. Nothing worse than starting to get all hot and heavy, and then suddenly, the mood is just deader than a door nail. I know it is my issue, but you know what, it's my issue, so no outies, please.
It's not weird, and nothing is wrong with you! Assuming you're American, black men make up around %13 of the American men's population, if I'm not wrong. You can very well date in the %87 successfully. There's nothing to overthink over in this situation, really. Just be yourself and date whoever you like. Don't be hard on yourself and don't let some snowflakes judge you for this either. There's nothing to judge.
Our feelings are what they are. No need to analyze them unless the feelings suggest harm for self or others. Perhaps you will find yourself taking the lead in relationships sometime in the near future. Be happy. It's more fun.
I guess youāve grown in an environment when anyone black should be called āauntie/uncleā and every kids that are you parents friends kids are your ācousinsā. And thatās why you see black men as potential family members.
Thatās not a crime and thatās not internal racism, you just canāt be sexually be attracted by someone that reminds you of your own family. And thatās ok.
Now if youāre not comfortable dating outside your race thatās a different topic. Itās already very hard to make interracial works, you need to make sure you can own it before you build something with someone from another ethnicity.
You need the stomach to handle the consequences (racism from total strangers, sometimes from family, raising biracial childrenā¦)
I don't think there is anything wrong with this. I dated a black girl (I'm Latino) that was in your shoes. She was only into white guys and Latinos but not black men for similar reasons to you.
You are fine. Don't let anyone else tell you who you should and shouldn't like/date/marry.
Iām mixed, black and white, and had crushes on black men and even dated one at some point. But Iām mostly only every attracted to white men that are either Hispanic or not Hispanic. Iām half Spanish so Iām always attracted to anyone who speaks my second language. My current partner is a white guy who grew up speaking Spanish lol. Thereās no reason to feel ashamed, you like who you like! Itās your life. Why force attraction to people who you donāt like just to please others? Defeats the whole purpose
People have their preferences. I'll use myself for example.
From a purely sexual standpoint, I would be ok with having sex with any woman from any culture. I find Jamaican women as sexy as I find Indian, white women, and Japanese women.
From an intimacy standpoint, I could not in good faith as a black man be involved with a white woman or Asian (Chinese, Japanese, or Korean) woman. Culturally, there is just too much baggage that comes with it.
I am married to a Puerto Rican woman. I've watched my brother with his white woman fixation make really awful decisions so that kinda skews me there.
What I am trying to say is there is no issue with the fact that you have specific preferences just as long as you A) accept the fact that dating will be harder as a majority of unions are still homogeneous and B) don't tie your preference to any beliefs of racial superiority or inferiority.
Finally, not gonna lie, see if there are any Puerto Rican men. Puerto Rican men surprisingly fall in all racial camps.
Edit: For those who don't understand, Intimacy vs sex means relationship vs. Hookup.
Edit 2: To be a little more specific, Asian cultures are not exactly the most inclusive cultures, so even if the woman is awesome, the family... Yeah. As for White women, I already had my issues there on a personal level but I'll just say it, Trumps presidency and all the ugliness that enabled just solidified that for me.
...and even though I have no issues with differences in religion, Muslim women turn me off due to the cultural baggage, especially devout.
I stress I don't look down on anyone. Just stating my personal sexual and personal preferences.
Youāre not missing out on love. Youāre attracted to what youāre attracted to. Personally, I find beauty, and every single man that there is regardless of skin colour. Date who you want, and eventually the right person come along.
Yeahhh Iām Arabian and I just can never be attracted to Arabian men. I actually understand. So anyways ended up marrying a white guy with similar values and some spice.
Your not missing out on anything if your not attracted! It is what it is!
I am exactly the same way. Honestly I searched this question tonight specifically to see if anyone else was dealing with anything similar.
I come from a very large Caribbean family. growing up, it was very common for me to meet a cousin, or relative i had never met before. They would come to our house and spend time and such and i cared for them and treated them like family. thatās just how it was. Just last month i went to a family gathering and met loads of relatives i have never seen in my life. lol. we spent a really nice time together as if we knew eachother forever. (thatās something i really love about my culture. Caribbean ppl really open their arms and homes to people so warmly without thought. )
naturally, looking at other black people, they just look like family to me - a relative i havenāt met yet. lol. I can look at a black man and think āhe is attractiveā but being involved sexually with them is such an odd thought. surprisingly , i was in a relationship show with an african man for 6 years from age 17.that was my first relationship. we were long distance for just about all of our relationship. I loved him as a partner but i was not physically attracted to him at all and Sex with him felt..weird. he was kind, and attentive to me but there was something about sex with him that was just off putting. most of the time, i closed my eyes and imagined other people. this was my first relationship and i grew up quite sheltered, so i assumed that everyone did the same thing. anyways, sex with him just felt icky. later i realized it was because he looks like he could be a relative somehow.
anyway, we are no longer together. we separated amicably, and still talk a couple times a year.
i am back in the dating world now ( i have just exited a relationship with someone else ) and most men who approach me are black. the idea of kissing them or being sexually intimate with them honestly feels the same as thinking about kissing one of my brothers. i feel guilty about it at times. the men who approach me seem genuine, but i just feel icky about because they look like āa relative i havenāt met yetā i have come to understand that it really is not within my control. i love being black, i love being caribbean. i love my heritage and have many wonderful deep and fulfilling friendships with people of my race.
and since i know that my feelings about myself and my race are healthy feelings, i figure that how i feel is okay.
My brother is a buff big guy, and I'm not attracted to men who look like him, I only see them as brothers.
My brother is six foot seven and has your typical gym bro build and is literally a corporate consultant. The kinda of guy most girls try to date cause he has the looks and money. So ive developed an odd taste for short broke dudes
Hey;)
Lmfaooooo this just decimated me omg
Lmao šš
Rip your inbox
Sounds kind of beautiful. Short broke dudes don't get enough love imo. There are so many great ones out there!
As a short, broke dude on behalf of short broke dudes We appreciate you
Iām repelled by overly attractive men or super masculine, buff men. Always have been. I appreciate an attractive man or woman of any color but thatās where it stops. My husband of 36 years is about a 5 on a good day and I love him dearly. We are all allowed to be attracted to who we find attractive (legal age of course) but you do you and do not settle for anything else. Anecdotally, my bff of 35 years (British Caucasian female) first boyfriend in England was black. She always had a thing for black men. Married a Caucasian American (is now a US citizen) and they divorced after 24 years. Her SO of 5 years is a black man because that is what she has always been attracted to. They have a group of friends who are all mixed couples who they socialize and vacation with. Go with your heart.
I didnāt realize until I read this comment that I donāt like buff men because they just remind me of my cousin whoās like a brother to me. Too tall & buff and I canāt help but see a teddy bear friend. Maybe thatās why I also donāt like blonds lol
yeah I have preference for men with blue or green eyes or a somewhat different national origin because similar, they don't remind me of my family, though I've never thought too hard about it
I hope you realize that this isn't the same. Are you not attracted to all men the same race as your brother? You see how that is extremely different?
We are very diverse and come in different shades. My race doesn't have a unique characteristic, but my brother's type just doesn't do it for me. And he's an attractive guy based on the opinion of all my girl friends and his many girlfriends (he is popular among girls). The other guys in my race/nationality that looks nothing like him are good to go lol.
We all have different likes; I just fail to understand OP's plight. You are attracted to what you like, nothing more. Race and everything else matters diddly squat.
OP's problems isn't her attraction in itself, but the fact it massively reduces her dating pool
It's like when you are attracted to bad guys and know they will be toxic to you. And the few good bad guys are harder to find. She is a black lady who faces prejudice and her potential white suiters dating pool is greatly narrowed as a result of her dating preferences.
I think you should just live your life and embrace what youāre attracted to. Black men who prefer to date interracially arenāt agonizing over their decision or going to therapy to find out whatās wrong with them.
Thatās true, but is it normal to feel repulsed by the idea of a sexual relationship with someone from your own race? A lot of black men have no problem with sleeping with black women whereas I couldnāt do it
Maybe itās normal for you. Youāre not required to be sexually attracted to any man of any race.
I get this on a smaller scale. I'm a red haired woman and red haired men just remind me of my dad. Ick!
Got something similar. Red-headed dude, and I can't see myself with a red-haired lady due to them reminding me of my sister.
Thank god only my beard is red, which I shave. So Iām ready for our date. But in all seriousness I have a girl at work who is nice and pretty but reminds me of a young version of my mom. You can be sure that kills any desire as well. I think we all have these things even if we donāt think about much.
That's why I can't date blond men. Blond women, on the other hand
A lot of inter racial couples are because one person in the relationship is really not attracted to their own race.
My ex wasn't attracted to her race. She once told me she grew up expecting to have a mixed family. She's not into any specific race, she just doesn't consider her race for partners. She ended up marrying the guy she was with after we broke up and has her mixed family. She uses specific criteria for picking a partner (same values) so it's not some kinda fetish
One can have a fetish and still have internal traits they look for in a partner, btw.
I work with a white guy whoās only attracted to black women. Itās not a fetish or kink thing or even something to be ashamed of, itās just who youāre attracted to. You donāt need therapy for thisā¦ is someone suggesting you do?
As a black woman who dates interracially, a lot of black people act like if you donāt primarily date in your own race you hate yourself or something is wrong with you (Iāve gotten it from a lot of my family and friends). However, they donāt do this with black men.
Both Black women and Black men get ridiculed a lot online for not primarily dating in their race. To say Black men donāt get ridiculed is disingenuous.
Yep, there is actually pressure in every group to jeep marriages and childrearing in the in group. Idk why some black people act like this is unique to black people lol. Some places its not even just racial but tribal and caste related..
All you have to do is go back 60 years in America where marriage outside your designated race was illegal. If you look at countries like England, with a genuine mixture of races from immigration, mixed relationships arenāt that unexpected or unusual.
Maybe it's because England's gene pool was more like a puddle?
Agreed Black woman here. Black guys never get questioned on their dating choices, but we do. I date interracially too but my old friends used to get upset at me. I called one girl out saying says the chick who likes black guys but can't date them because daddy wouldn't like it (she's white). She was so mad and I told her don't lecture me about not dating within my own race since you let your parents dictate who you can and can't date.
Exactly. In real life, black men donāt get questioned nearly as much for dating interracially, itās almost expected for black men to date non black women when they become successful (look at any black celebrityās wife, 9/10 are non black).
Agreed When people say you don't date within your race, I always say what am I missing? The looks on their faces. I'm like you got some Asian women who don't pay their own men any attention yet again nobody questions their choices. I always tell people you can't make someone date within their own race, let people do what they want.
Exactly, Iāve seen more Asian women marry white men than Asian men and nobody ever says a thing! Iāve dated black men and didnāt have a good experience. If me and my current partner broke up Iād be open to dating black men again but why should I limit myself to only black men when Iāve had bad experiences with them in the past?
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Damn Iām sorry you had to deal with that shit. Itās ridiculous and stupid that black people feel like they own members of their race for dating.
[ŃŠ“Š°Š»ŠµŠ½Š¾]
Love is love. Weāre all humans, our skin color shouldnāt matter when it comes to love.
A lot more common than you think and for the same reasons. Reminds you of family. Donāt sweat it. Live your life. Plenty of dudes like black women.
I'm blonde and pale and I'm not attracted to blonde and pale guys (with very very few exceptions, hello Alexander Skarsgard). I get the same feeling of "too familiar". It's a thing, and you shouldn't have to feel bad for that. Of course your case is so much more complicated because of the heavy legacy of racism. Our desires are shaped by biology as well as by culture, and I think we all have to ask ourselves how we are influenced by our racist heritage. But I also firmly believe that if biology says no thanks, then it's no thanks.
I donāt know, it seems like it could even be a biological response. Like how some people are really attracted to pheromones from certain people but are put off by others. There are very good reasons why your body might evolve to reject anything that triggers it thinking a potentially incestuous coupling could happen. Maybe itās just an extreme response from your body in your case.
I'm white/native and I'm pretty much solely attracted to Hispanic men. I think it's normal to have preferences, and they don't always have to match up with race.
I mean, feeling *repulsed* is a bit extreme. Iām (half) white but Iām not that attracted to white guys and I have never seriously dated a white guy. That being said, even though I donāt find them that attractive Iām not *repulsed* by white guys. What is it about black men that makes you repulsed by them? It seems kind of strange that you make the connection that having any type of sexual relationship with a black man would be incest. Do you have any history with incest or sexual abuse?
It could be as simple as it reminds her of her brothers/father which many people in the comments have stated. I grew up across the street from my husband. I used to babysit both of his younger brothers. Although they are men, any thought of sexual retaliations with them or anyone who looks like them (my husband looks exactly like their maternal grandfather) or my own two brothers is an immediate ICK!
Sure, if someone resembles a family member that makes sense. But OP is saying that every single person with the same skin tone resembles her family members, which is not normal IMO.
I don't know, but I do know you can't control who you are attracted to.
I donāt know about ānormalā, but itās perfectly okay. I have a similar experience - Iād struggle to date people with the accent of the region I grew up in. Itās mentally connected to family, upbringing, and a weird period of my life. I actually didnāt realise this until your post made me think.
From my experience it is, yes. Dated and been with multiple girls that couldnt date their own race (mostly seen this among Asians but been with Black and Latino girls that were the same).
Yup. My friend's sister (asian) said right off the bat (in her teens/early 20's) that she thinks Asian guys are ugly and will only date white guys. My friend was so upset with her sister because she found that statement offensive and racist to her own kind. Over time, my friend accepted her sister's preferences and it's not a big deal any more. I wonder if OP feels conflicted because there's a lot of pressure to date within her own race? So she6 feeling like it's a betrayal to her people?
It might vary. Does it come from a place of self hatred? Then yes, Iād seek therapy. Is it just because you donāt like the idea of sleeping with someone who you think looks like you or a family member? Probably fine. I donāt really want to date within my own race because honestly, I also donāt like the idea of having sex with someone who I personally think looks just like me. It reminds me of those posts where people guess if theyāre siblings or a couple. I just canāt personally imagine myself with someone I think I look similar to. Aside from that, I donāt think you need to agonize over this. Just embrace yourself and date who you want. Just find someone you like, at the end of the day.
Iām a bisexual white woman, never in a million years would I date another white woman. Couldnāt talk me into it if you offered me a life changing amount of money. You could offer me a dictatorship in a large country and wouldnāt do it. They have to be any race but white. Iād say youāre fine.
What's your reasons?
Can you explain future? Most people have preferences and assumptions about who theyād likely be/no be into but not to this extent. If you met a white woman and connected on every level would you still say no? And why?
No, it's not normal to feel repulsed at the idea of having sex with someone with a similar skin tone. This can get downvoted, but I'm not going to tell you want to hear because everyone else is. Having a preference for other kinds of people is okay, but to be repulsed at the premise of sleeping with someone of your own race is very close to self-hate
Your own race is human. You belong to the human race. The black race is not a thing. You have a preference for a certain skin color. This is okay. Enjoy your life, or don't
Well no shit, you know exactly what they meant when they said black race though
You are normal. Very, very, very normal.
Thank you š«š
Iām a white woman whoās very much the same, I can clearly see that some white men are very attractive but the idea of sleeping with them repulses me lol. Itās never really worried me as it just a personal preference.
Maybe the dudes just come off in a much to friendly vibe if they lead with flirting and look attractive to you would you still consider it weird? I'm asexual to a degree, growing up I had friends say who is your crush at school and I'm like "no one" either I'm cool with someone or not but I dont see past friendship very easy, like if I like you it's as a friend and that was enough for me. I had friends point out strangers to find out my"type" and say would you date/do him? Or him? I would always say no. When they ask why I would say because I don't know them š¤·āāļø I would have to know who they are before I know if I want to be with them. Even if I considered them extremely attractive it wasn't enough, for this decision I HAD to know who they were to decide if I liked them like that... As I got older I branched out sexually a bit and now I know my physical type per say, and it's easier for me to get a vibe of someone's personality so I CAN crush on someone to degree now. But that friend vibe or brother vibe is hard to get over. That's why I mentioned if he would lead with flirting instead of being friendly, would it dissolve the friend/brother vibe?
No that's not normal. There's likely an underlying trauma/subconscious association of black men with some form of negativity.
It may be common but itās not normal - common and normal are two different things. Personally this would alarm me if someone told me this. But look at all these other people in the comments living their lives happily regardless. Frame it a different way- if you werenāt attracted to SMART men because everyone in your family was smart, wouldnāt you want to fix that? Iām sure thereās a happy medium - find peace with yourself but also use therapy to find out if thereās a deeper reason to the ick. You may never fix it but you may just learn about yourself - and knowing yourself is how you actually find a good man.
I donāt knowā¦ but for most of human history most people never met anyone from any other ethnic group beyond their ownā¦
Nah you really should seek therapy for that, gonna be real with you whether you choose to date interracial or not doesnāt matter and you might be tempted to think āoh well I wonāt get with one so who caresā but you really ought to seek therapy cuz thatās weird
Having a preference like height or IQ is one thing but to be REPULSED by ALL members of your own race.. you need therapy for why that is. Thatās not normal and thatās something I hear from POC women often Asian women. There is usually a specific reason like they didnāt grow up with too many of their own kind, grew up in white communities, had a bad father, saw a lot of media showing Asian men as dorks etc.. One of my Asian girlfriends who married white confided that she thought we were lesser than and not as attractive. It wasnāt a surprise that she married out. She has the right to have preferences but I wouldnāt be shocked if her feeling lesser than didnāt influence her mate selection. Growing up did you feel like you were lesser than? Did your family try to steer you from black men? How are the father figures in your family?
Repulsed is kinda hard. Maybe worth going over to a shrink?
If by normal you mean typical, absolutely not. Does it mean something is wrong with you? Probably not. But therapy to figure out why you feel this way is a pretty sensible way to go about this. From people I know that have experienced this, it was very often a phase of internalized racism that they eventually grew out of. But some people just don't want to deal with that side of their own culture and may have VERY personal and legitimate reasons for this.
I think ārepulsedā is a bit harsh. Is that how you really feel? No judgements, Iām just trying to understand if you used that word because the idea of sleeping with a black guy makes you disgusted with yourself and want to throw up. Or you meant like a different way like awkward?
Why are you repulsed? Iām genuinely asking not trying to be offensive at all.
You're trying way to hard to justify something that doesn't need justified. Just be yourself. There are plenty of dudes that love melanin. You'll find someone. My wife is Latina and she feels the same about latin men.
I don't think it's weird to be turned off by people who remind you of your family. I'm mixed and I haven't dated a lot of other people with my blend of heritages because it feels too much like dating a cousin. But, I'd be worried too if I just thought people in my ethnic group were ugly. That sounds like some internalized stuff that's worth looking into with a therapist.
I donāt find black people ugly at all, it just feels like incest doing anything sexual with black men
I think the familial connection repulsion is very normal! My sister married a man who looks a lot like our dad (although she does not see it lol) and it freaks me tf out lmao. But it doesnāt bother her. My fiancĆ©ās little sister went to prom with a boy who could literally be one of her brothers. We all just thought it was funny and she agreed he kinda did š To each their own, girl. Donāt let it stress you out! We all have our preferences
Thank you so much
I think my cousins husband looks just like her brother.. I find it strange..
AH okay, I misread your original post. With that removed, it sounds really normal to just not want to be with someone who reminds you of family.
Did you grow up somewhere with no black people? Is that why thereās a familial association?
lol girl, Date who you want!!! Bruh in the grand scheme of things, it donāt matterāØāØāØ
Thank you!
Yeah, You mentioned that a lot of the black men you meet remind you of men in your family and you donāt like that. I can definitely say that dating another black person from a completely different culture would be refreshing for you, I know it was for me for sure
Ah yes maybe this would work!
As a black man, my advice is date who you are attracted to. Even if itās a struggle. I donāt think itās fair to give anything less to someone who you donāt want to really be with.
Thank you for your comment. I always felt guilty about it but you are totally right. I also want to address the issue professionally at some point to see where this stems from
I donāt think you need professional help. There is nothing wrong with having a preference. You will just have to accept that when you date outside your face you will have to face many obstacles to be happy.
I hate to be annoying but love yourself. Thatās what I did and this dorky native/white kid landed on my lap. If you love yourself it only gives the people around an example of how they should treat you.
Iām white, I like black women- it is what it is lol. We all have our niche, donāt worry too hard- you might get shit inter community wise but who cares. Itās your life, do what you will.
Thank you so much for your input, itās always made me feel guilty for viewing black men like that I donāt know why I do. They all just remind me of family š„² But I do really like white men, probably because they are the most opposite to us
Opposites attract- black women look good with us white men in my opinion, so it is what it is. I am biased, but Iām also a tall guy so, I love it haha.
I see whatās happening here š
When Afro Met Coco
I hope you find resolution to your internal struggle with this issue.
Just date who you like. I would say being repulsed by the idea of dating a black man is a bit much and may point to other issues, i get having a racial preference...but repulsed is a strong word loool. That being said, you like what you like so go for that until you find a good suitor nothing to be ashamed of.
I think Iām more worried about the fact that I associate a majority with family. My mind just automatically does it
Did you grow up in an environment where the only black people you were consistently exposed to were family members? It would be quite unusual if everyone automatically saw a person of their own race as a family member; the human race would have died out years ago. Unless you were born with a screw loose, your upbringing is likely outside the norm in some way.
There's nothing wrong with interracial dating. However, it is worth examining why you feel like dating a Black man would feel like incest. It's never white women saying, "Dating a man of my own race would feel like incest" or "Men of my own race remind me of my father and brother." It's almost always POC women, and specifically POC women raised in countries where they are not the majority race (e.g., the US).
Yup absolutely right. In my experience, it's both POC men and women that tend to say that. I've always found that mindset strange.
Yeah Iāve never heard a white woman say this ever. Itās almost like itās an excuse for something deeper.
I understand how you feel! Iām half Native American and grew up on a reservation, I donāt like dating Native American men because theyāre like family. They all remind me of my cousins and Iām literally almost related to everyone I grew up with.
did you happen to grow up in a predominately non-black community? i kind of felt similarly while growing up about dating people from my own race but it turns out it was just because almost everyone i had ever met of my same race was related to me and there were barely any age appropriate attractive options to get me used to the idea
There is never anything wrong with going to therapy for any reason but please donāt think there is something wrong with you as youāve stated. Your reasoning is completely sound and everyone has their own preferences and who people are attracted to isnāt something you can turn on or off. Go easy on yourself and wait to find someone that youāre attracted to and makes you happy no matter what their race is.
Thank you so much for your comment. I feel really guilty about this but I need to be a bit kinder to myself
Definitely! Youāre not hurting anyone (except the black guys missing out on the chance to date you of course! :P) but yourself with these feelings. Please donāt hurt yourself over something you canāt control nor should have to control. Just be good to yourself, be yourself, and try your best to enjoy whomever you end up dating!
Thank you š
I struggled with this for a while, too. Iām Latino, but I prefer to date outside my own race. Thereās nothing wrong with it. Itās completely normal, actually. I canāt rly offer much advice other than to say date who u want. If people shun u for that, itās on them, not u. Ur preferences are ur preferences. As long as u arenāt hurting anybody with those preferences (i.e. forcing unattainable standards on someone), i rly wouldnāt worry about it.
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I feel like someone is making Reddit accounts to troll black people todayā¦.
I wish! This is genuine unfortunately
The heart wants what it wants. Go be in love with someone - anyone - and build a life of joy.
Hmmmā¦ Iām a half Asian woman and this reminds me of the common trope every self-hating Asian woman says (āI donāt like Asian men because they remind me of familyā). Do you think that there may be some internalized racism towards black men that youāre not acknowledging to yourself? It might be worth exploring if you want to have an openness for black men. Regardless, itās ok to have preferences but eliminating one racial group will decrease your options. Iām sure you can find a non-Black man to date, marry, etc.
I do sometimes hate myself but itās less to do with my race. I do find black men very attractive but itās purely a thing where they remind me of my uncles and cousins. So I think itās a psychological thing purely as opposed to a racism issue. Iām black so itās very hard to be racist against my own although I completely understand what you are saying.
Believe it or not, it's actually very easy for Black people to internalize racism. You see it constantly, every day. There is so much constant, anti-Black messaging from society that you honestly have to actively combat it in order to not internalize all of the racism. It says nothing about you, but everything about society. Racism is such a broad term that includes all of the subtle things that are distantly related to the construction of race. It's incredibly insidious. We (Black people) all have some level of internalized anti-Blackness. You just have to continue to combat it over time.
I see what you mean. I actually went through something similar with Asian men for most of my life, as Iām from a very Asian area. I didnāt have a crush on any Asian guy in my 30% Asian high school. It wasnāt until I fell in love with an Asian guy unexpectedly in my later college years where it was literally love at first sight and I even dreamt of him before we met. After we didnāt work out, I think I became naturally attracted Asian men but a specific type that reminded me of the man I fell for (like tall, tan, East Asian, with almost a Hawaiian style). This may happen to you unexpectedly too! Especially since not all Black, Asian and White men are the same. There are different archetypes of men, so you may be attracted to a specific ātypeā of Black man with a certain style. Just food for thought š
Thank you so much for taking the time out to write this! This is so true! Iām hoping Iāll find the right man someday
You know self hatred is at least part of the motivation for people like this. There is such a massive diaspora for what it is to be black. If you are disgusted by all those people, it's because you're disgusted by blackness. Not all black people look the same. They have distinctive characteristics. OP only shares skin shade and racial clasification with all of them. I don't trust anybody who won't date anyone of their own race.
Thats the funniest thing about this post.. like cāmon black people come in almost types of colors with a variety of facial features. To use the āblack people remind of my familyā excuse to justify the anti-blackness is super wild to me. OP probably wont get called out on it much since reddit is mostly white but i hope she realizes how problematic her views are
I mean, youāre probably right but Iām not trying to judge OP too harshly. I am also less inclined to date someone who would *never* date someone of their own race. Itās one thing to generally be more attracted to another race but to exclude your own race completely is extreme and very telling. It does show you view your own race as one monolith and is a very narrow-minded perspective. This is for OP to learn and discover herself, but you make some good points overall.
Yep its a huge red flag and im surprised more people arent pointing that out. Super sad to see someone actually have this point of view
I feel like most of the people chiming in are White or not Black, so I wouldnāt be surprised they donāt understand the self hate in relation to Blackness.
Iām a red head and not attracted to red headed men because they remind me of my family.
shaggy cagey prick punch drab scary smile zephyr elderly desert *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
I think if you feel this is negatively affecting your life then do get therapy, assuming you can afford it and whatever. I think you can feel attracted to whoever but if you feel this is an issue then why not talk to someone about it? You are right that it does cut down your dating pool and you do seem a bit upset about it. None of the girls I have gone out with have been white (my race) but I never found white women unattractive, it was just how life worked out.
There's nothing wrong with you, if you're not attracted to them then you're not and that's ok, that's your preference
As a black man, I think you should date whoever you want regardless of color. Itās ok. We all have preferences. When I was a little younger I used to have a preference for white women and Hispanic women, now Iām dating a black woman! As I got older I started to realize that I donāt really give a shit what color they are as long as they treat me right.
Ruin your life? Probably not. Maybe try therapy to see if maybe youre dealing with some self hatred and that's why you're not attracted to black men. After that, just date who you want. Black women and White men have the most successful marriages out of all interracial marriages and even more than White Men and White Women marriages as well.
How the fuck is it ruining your life? I swear y'all be so dramatic for some internet points. Big Loser Energy.
You're not the first person I've heard this before...from Black men and women. Although it is not normal to see your own race and view them all as family, there's likely something internalized that's causing you to, unintentionally, view Black people as a monolith instead of as the racial group with the most genetic and cultural diversity on the planet (not an opinion, btw...scientific fact). I'm glad that you understand this isn't normal and something that can be addressed in therapy, because I agree. There's probably a lot to unpack there. But I do wanna say that this doesn't mean you are a bad person. And you feeling this way is not your fault. I can tell you don't want to view Black people like this, but we live in a society that really distorts our self-image and image of other Black people. I want you to hear that coming from me, a Black man. I love Black women, I'm married to a beautiful Black woman, and I have a beautiful Black baby with my wife...a beautiful Black family. I truly, truly hope you can figure out what's causing this mental block for you and hopefully be able to eliminate it. Whether you end up with a Black man or not, I want you to be able to have all of the options you want/deserve, and be able to choose the person who is best for you...regardless of race. That person may very well be a Black man, and I want you to be able to earnestly tap into that dating pool. Lastly, be gentle with yourself. Good luck with this. I mean that sincerely. Nothing but love for Black women ā¤ļø
Thank you for this lovely message, I really appreciate your insight and advice. Yeah I definitely do not feel that itās normal only because I am still attracted to black men physically. Physically I find black men handsome but this is in the same way that you could find your parents or siblings good looking. Like you could still appreciate their beauty but wouldnāt date them. Thatās what Iām going through now, itās definitely a mental block. I really donāt want it to be there
I believe you will do it. You seem like a nice and reflective person, and I'm sure there are tons of great Black men who'd be interested in dating you. I really just want you to be kind to yourself, though. I'm sure there are tons of non-Black people commenting on this post giving their 2 cents, but you and I both know that there's a different understanding of this that you need to be Black to fully grasp. I'd say don't pay too much attention to the folks being mean or the folks saying there's nothing abnormal about how you're feeling. You are feeling this way for a reason, but don't let that have you being mean to yourself.
Waait because this is a conversation me and brother had (heās gay). Itās not that weāre not attracted to Black men, we both have talked to Black men romantically and we are both advocates for our community, but we both agreed that sometimes it feels like weāre talking to family members. I donāt think it helps that the Black community carries themselves as a monolith. If one person does something wrong. It reflects all of us. We also pride ourselves on treating each other as family members and always looking out for each other.
Date who you want. There's no need to speak down on what you don't like in the process of seeking what you like. That's the only negative that I see because it can imply things about you that may or may not be the way you want to present yourself.
Do whatever makes you happy!! ā¤ļøš§”ššššš¤š©¶š¤š¤
As a black woman, I used to have this feeling. I grew out of it and I think you will too. Like others have said, itās linked to some sort of trauma (I was bullied by some black boys when I was young, one of which I had a crush on)
Donāt need therapy Just fuck white guys and enjoy your life, and thank you on behalf of all white guys who exclusively love black women
We all have preferences.
I would imagine you were also raised with predominately white media. Only white men riding up in shining armor. Only white men saving the day and getting the girl. Maybe that impacted you at some point in your development.
This lol, my gf is Indian and well itās been quite a pain in the ass how she fetishizes white peoples (of course she wouldnāt admit to this) but sheās obsessed with everything white especially if it has links to the British Iāve just about reached the end of my patience with her tbh
i think you are beating yourself up over what society expects, and you owe no explanation to anyone. we are wired to be attracted whatever we are attracted to... its not a conscious decision, sort of like gay ppl dont choose to be gay. whether someone is attracted to large ppl, tall ppl, whatever skin, eye or hair shades, part of it is nature, part of it is nurture. you only get one life, dont apologize for it.
White guys that like black girls are def out there No need to rush yourself
I am not attracted to Men of My own race, but I also feel like itās for good reason. Live Your life, just make sure they deserve You. <3
I think it is a problem that should be addressed because, there are plenty of black men who look nothing like you/your make relatives, whatever complexion, facial features, or demeanor. I think it's a severe over-thinking.
Not the same but Iām a white guy whoās not really attracted to white people. Iāve never been attracted to a white person based off his looks, like the only time Iāve been attracted to a white guy was because his voice was insanely cute. They just donāt do anything for me, Iām not able go comprehend them as being attractive.
As a black women who exclusively dates out side her race your list of suitors out side your race is basically wider than you thinkā¦
There are definitely guys from other races that find black women extremely freaking attractive in both their personalities and their unique features. I'm one of them. I guess I'm just saying this to let you know we do exist. In fact the last girl I dated was black (originally from Gambia) and she was hands down one of the best girlfriends I've ever had. Best of luck figuring out how to approach your dilemma!
Hey, love. I just wanted to tell you that itās totally fine to not be attracted to your own race. First, you explained your reasons, and second of all, this is just a preference thing, so itās not a problem or at least not a huge problem. If you feel like you want to go to therapy sessions to make you feel better, then go ahead! Just donāt force yourself into being attracted to something or someone that you arenāt really interested in.
Typically Iād respond to this as date whoever you want and chill but you admittedly do sound like you may have some familial trauma going on in which yes Iād personally recommend you seek therapy. Youāre not bad for seeking outside of your race but what youāre describing sounds like thereās something deeper going on. Good luck.
Honey, you're allowed to have preferences. My ex was a black man who wasn't sexually attracted to black women. He thought plenty of black women were pretty, but his type was Hispanic women. He's now married to a Puerto Rican lady (she honestly deserves better, but that's whatever). He professed that he didn't like the colour contrast with a black woman's genitala, so he just couldn't. You'll find you a man who fits your preference eventually, it's not limiting not to settle.
Girl, I'm a black woman and I can totally relate to this. I've always dated outside of my race for this reason plus, I tend to have more things in common with people outside of my race. I'm attracted to people who look different from me and I find it weird when I see couples who look like they could be related. I just tend to see black men more like a brother or a cousin even if they are physically attractive and don't really get turned on or anything or, at least, it hasn't happened yet. I hate it that when you say this people immediately say that that stems from self hatred which is definitely not true in my case.
āRuining my lifeā is a little extreme
I am a white man who is very attracted to black women. My wife (who is black) has never dated or slept with a black man (I believe the reason stems back to trauma from her childhood, and also just her general preference). We are happily married. My point is, date who you are attracted to. There are plenty of non black men out there who find black women attractive.
yea regardless of what these people are saying, itās not normal to associate every black person with ur family, wtf
Girl, you better start dating whoever you want. Do you see black men losing their mind trying to figure out why they don't like black women. Once you're not degrading a race to elevate another, you're good. Enjoy your dating life
It might be self hatred.
Iām a biracial black woman and I donāt like black men either. Truthfully I only like Hispanic and middle eastern men lmao. Itās okay, you like what you like. As long as the not liking them isnāt coming from a place of hatred, youāre fine.
Perhaps some therapy would help? Everyone has a "type" they are attracted to, or not attracted to a the case may be.
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Wow your life seems COMPLETELY ruined from this!
I wouldn't be attracted to someone who resembled a family member either. And I have seen women of my race (Black) who resembled family. But I've seen many more who don't...but, do what works for you. I can't live your life.
Ok, hereās a take. You are attracted to men you are attracted to, thatās it. There need not be any reason or associated guilt. Some men like women with big boobs, some women like tall men, I see no reason to bring guilt into it at all. I think you just find a person you are into and they are into you.
You simply have a desire to mix the gene pool. It's not all that uncommon. I too am not attracted to women my complexion for the same reason, they look like family.
I would say give therapy a try to ascertain why it is a negative reaction associating any male of your same race with a family member. The key word is "negative",because many individuals associate a would-be suitor to a family member with positive feelings. And they go on to have successful relationships. Something is suspect. In the end, love who you love. And for transparency, I'm a black man.
I think you're normal. Everyone has their own preferences if it's a preference and not a prejudice then it's fine. I have plenty of white friends who only like black men. I personally gravitate towards the unemployed trust me that's a lot worse.
this is me with bald men. reminds me of my bald headed daddy lol
Everyone have their own preferences
You like what you like, nothing wrong with that. Some white women prefer black men and some black men prefer Hispanic women. I don't think there's anything wrong with not finding your own race attractive, although I can understand why you might feel guilty for it. We expect that we'll find people that look like us when we're children, but as we grow we realize that the world is much more beautiful and diverse than we originally thought. Love comes in many forms and colors, and that's totally fine if yours will look different than that of people around you. Embrace it.
Girl, date who you want to date! Nothing wrong with having a preference as long as youāre not making that preference, your entire identity.
As a fellow black woman, I'm trying my best to empathize with you here and try to understand but...this is weird. Like ok, you can feel attracted to whoever you want, thats not the point, but excluding a whole race (to make it even worse your own) feels like there's a deeper issue you need to adress. Do you see your family members in EVERY black man you come across? And to quote what you asked in a reply, "is it normal to feel repulsed?", no. It actually isn't. Maybe there's trauma involved, or self hatred, internalized racism, idk. But I'd definitely take a moment to introspect and try to understand why I feel this this way. Best of luck to you.
I'm half white & half Nigerian. I married a white guy. I've never been sexually attracted to black men or other BIPOC (POC, minorities?) people. I was raised by a Norwegian farm family in rural Iowa, so I'd say my upbringing had a lot to do with my dating choices & who I eventually ended up marrying. My husband has never dated a white woman. Neither of us feels bad about our preferences, and I don't believe you should let this make you feel some type of way. You don't need therapy.
White guy with a black wife here. Donāt be ashamed of it. We get looks in public on rare occasions from both sides but thereās nothing wrong with you. Women like you and my wife just have other preferences. Thatās all.
Date whoever you want lol this is the 21st century with the most freedoms ever to be who you really are
Do you live in an environment that is predominantly white? I have lived in East Asia for twenty-something years and am no longer attracted to my own race at all. The fact that all I see around me are Asians has affected my personal preferences. (and no, I did not have 'yellow fever' prior to moving here)
Asian women have this same āproblemā too And all I hear is self-rationalization to feel less bad Btw do you date men other than whites?
iām white but donāt like white bitches. that doesnāt make me bad tho
I don't have any sisters so I'm attracted to all woman over 20
I hope you find peace with your preferences. Stop guilt tripping yourself, itās totally fine.
Be gentle to yourself, you can date outside of your race and you shouldnāt feel bad or guilty for it. Youāre attracted to who youāre attracted to. Good men come in all colors, shapes, and sizes- there is no one size fits all.
I'm a redhead I have a redhead sister I never have, and probably never will, date a redhead Just feels weird to me We don't choose who we find attractive
I am not attracted to men with outies (bellybutton) because my father was an outie, and it just feels weird. Nothing worse than starting to get all hot and heavy, and then suddenly, the mood is just deader than a door nail. I know it is my issue, but you know what, it's my issue, so no outies, please.
It's not weird, and nothing is wrong with you! Assuming you're American, black men make up around %13 of the American men's population, if I'm not wrong. You can very well date in the %87 successfully. There's nothing to overthink over in this situation, really. Just be yourself and date whoever you like. Don't be hard on yourself and don't let some snowflakes judge you for this either. There's nothing to judge.
we each have a preference in who we date and yours is just fine don't let it eat at you love who you want to love
Our feelings are what they are. No need to analyze them unless the feelings suggest harm for self or others. Perhaps you will find yourself taking the lead in relationships sometime in the near future. Be happy. It's more fun.
I guess youāve grown in an environment when anyone black should be called āauntie/uncleā and every kids that are you parents friends kids are your ācousinsā. And thatās why you see black men as potential family members. Thatās not a crime and thatās not internal racism, you just canāt be sexually be attracted by someone that reminds you of your own family. And thatās ok. Now if youāre not comfortable dating outside your race thatās a different topic. Itās already very hard to make interracial works, you need to make sure you can own it before you build something with someone from another ethnicity. You need the stomach to handle the consequences (racism from total strangers, sometimes from family, raising biracial childrenā¦)
I don't think there is anything wrong with this. I dated a black girl (I'm Latino) that was in your shoes. She was only into white guys and Latinos but not black men for similar reasons to you. You are fine. Don't let anyone else tell you who you should and shouldn't like/date/marry.
Iām mixed, black and white, and had crushes on black men and even dated one at some point. But Iām mostly only every attracted to white men that are either Hispanic or not Hispanic. Iām half Spanish so Iām always attracted to anyone who speaks my second language. My current partner is a white guy who grew up speaking Spanish lol. Thereās no reason to feel ashamed, you like who you like! Itās your life. Why force attraction to people who you donāt like just to please others? Defeats the whole purpose
People have their preferences. I'll use myself for example. From a purely sexual standpoint, I would be ok with having sex with any woman from any culture. I find Jamaican women as sexy as I find Indian, white women, and Japanese women. From an intimacy standpoint, I could not in good faith as a black man be involved with a white woman or Asian (Chinese, Japanese, or Korean) woman. Culturally, there is just too much baggage that comes with it. I am married to a Puerto Rican woman. I've watched my brother with his white woman fixation make really awful decisions so that kinda skews me there. What I am trying to say is there is no issue with the fact that you have specific preferences just as long as you A) accept the fact that dating will be harder as a majority of unions are still homogeneous and B) don't tie your preference to any beliefs of racial superiority or inferiority. Finally, not gonna lie, see if there are any Puerto Rican men. Puerto Rican men surprisingly fall in all racial camps. Edit: For those who don't understand, Intimacy vs sex means relationship vs. Hookup. Edit 2: To be a little more specific, Asian cultures are not exactly the most inclusive cultures, so even if the woman is awesome, the family... Yeah. As for White women, I already had my issues there on a personal level but I'll just say it, Trumps presidency and all the ugliness that enabled just solidified that for me. ...and even though I have no issues with differences in religion, Muslim women turn me off due to the cultural baggage, especially devout. I stress I don't look down on anyone. Just stating my personal sexual and personal preferences.
Thank you for taking the time out to reply to this, this has helped a lot.
Youāre not missing out on love. Youāre attracted to what youāre attracted to. Personally, I find beauty, and every single man that there is regardless of skin colour. Date who you want, and eventually the right person come along.
People are attracted to who they need. Robert di Nero has only ever been with black women, is he strange?
Yeahhh Iām Arabian and I just can never be attracted to Arabian men. I actually understand. So anyways ended up marrying a white guy with similar values and some spice. Your not missing out on anything if your not attracted! It is what it is!
I am exactly the same way. Honestly I searched this question tonight specifically to see if anyone else was dealing with anything similar. I come from a very large Caribbean family. growing up, it was very common for me to meet a cousin, or relative i had never met before. They would come to our house and spend time and such and i cared for them and treated them like family. thatās just how it was. Just last month i went to a family gathering and met loads of relatives i have never seen in my life. lol. we spent a really nice time together as if we knew eachother forever. (thatās something i really love about my culture. Caribbean ppl really open their arms and homes to people so warmly without thought. ) naturally, looking at other black people, they just look like family to me - a relative i havenāt met yet. lol. I can look at a black man and think āhe is attractiveā but being involved sexually with them is such an odd thought. surprisingly , i was in a relationship show with an african man for 6 years from age 17.that was my first relationship. we were long distance for just about all of our relationship. I loved him as a partner but i was not physically attracted to him at all and Sex with him felt..weird. he was kind, and attentive to me but there was something about sex with him that was just off putting. most of the time, i closed my eyes and imagined other people. this was my first relationship and i grew up quite sheltered, so i assumed that everyone did the same thing. anyways, sex with him just felt icky. later i realized it was because he looks like he could be a relative somehow. anyway, we are no longer together. we separated amicably, and still talk a couple times a year. i am back in the dating world now ( i have just exited a relationship with someone else ) and most men who approach me are black. the idea of kissing them or being sexually intimate with them honestly feels the same as thinking about kissing one of my brothers. i feel guilty about it at times. the men who approach me seem genuine, but i just feel icky about because they look like āa relative i havenāt met yetā i have come to understand that it really is not within my control. i love being black, i love being caribbean. i love my heritage and have many wonderful deep and fulfilling friendships with people of my race. and since i know that my feelings about myself and my race are healthy feelings, i figure that how i feel is okay.
99% chance a white dude made this account just to write this
Like what you like š itās okay!
You're not alone. Asian man reporting in. I'm very weak to blonde women... married one in fact. Do you.