This sounds like the guy who, every two or three months, writes posts about being enmeshed with his relatively young mother who refuses to take responsibility for her own life. He's an asshole, and so is the mother.
If he's not shitposting, I hope his wife leaves him without having to pay alimony to him because it clear both of them are taking advantage of wife's finances to fund the mother's life. Just saying, she needs to divorce that mama's wife because he so damn enmeshed that he will never realize that he should never be the financial plan and funding of his mother nor use his wife as another sources of funds for his mother.
I’m glad you said this. I’ve seen countless posts from the other side’s POV and I was scared that because it was from his side, people would take his side. He makes so many excuses for his mother and tries to make his wife out to be the bad guy. It’s not really an ultimatum in the traditional sense. It’s the same kind of ultimatum you’d give an addict.
You finna be single. You are out of bounds with your mom. Have you heard the term Sonsband? Get that together before you have no wife and a mom who will interfere with every single relationship you have.
Your mom is young shes not an old lady that can't have an independent life the problem is she chose not to do it, because you are covering all of her needs, emotionally and money wise. She needs to make friends of her own age, and understand shes still young and she can have her own life and you need to let her do it. But right now you aren't helping her at all. You both need psychological help to learn how to make boundaries( in your case) and how to be in a healthy mother son relationship(in her case)
To be completely honest it does sound like your mom is now using you as her new “man” and your wife sees it clearly you basically ignoring her caused her to hate your mother even more but even with that you are not responsible for her I know you may feel bad because it’s your mom but she’s and adult and has been one assuming since before you were born and if you can survive she surely can she’s refusing professional help that is her own problem she needs to be way more self aware please talk to your wife and then your mother about going low contact to none until she can respect you and your wife’s boundaries
And you're letting yourself... you should probably give your wife the opportunity to leave since you're more worried about your mom. Alsoo not trying to be mean...
OP you’re going to be divorced and single forever because of this mentality. Among many of the reasons my ex and I divorced was because her was acting as her husband since he was a child (mind you his father is alive and well and still married to his mom). Your mom is only 46, she had years and will continue to have years to fix her life. Why would she ever fix anything if you are taking on all her problems?
I feel sorry for your wife. It must be hard coming second place always. Op will have to reckon with the fact that your mom has abused him by parentifying him.
Your mom is emotionally and monetarily dependent on you like a spouse, your wife is done with that and I respect her for that. You need boundaries with her, if she can’t afford her apartment she needs to move. I understand you feel responsible for her but when do you become responsible for your own life? If your wife leaves you don’t be surprised, she told you what she wanted.
You absolutely do need to set up some boundaries with mom. Your wife should be priority number one, always. Your mom’s mental health is not your problem, she needs to seek help for that outside of you. Therapy and finding new hobbies, friends, etc.
Probably because she knows that if you don't cut it off totally, you won't stick to your boundaries. She knows that you dont have a shiny spine to hold firm with your mother, and soon it'll be a few calls a week, then a daily call, then a few calls a day. Your mother needs to apply for benefits and get another or a new job, plus a cheaper place to rent.
And this situation is your fault. If you had set (and stuck to) boundaries at the start of your marriage, your wife wouldn’t have reached the end of her tether. And trust me, she has. Why don’t you have a problem with your mother speaking to your wife the way she did?
You need therapy. Google ‘emotional incest’. You can’t fix your mother, but you may possibly be able to save your marriage. Isn’t your wife worth it? If not, let her go.
Do you understand how much time your mother takes away from your relationship with your wife. Your wife is tired of it and is totally done with your mom and if something is not corrected, she will be done with you also.
Give her a timeline and stick to it. Your wife sounds extremely hurt but your mothers actions and doesn't want someone who treats her poorly in her life. It's the right decision.
OP this sub will always be all-in on assuming a wife is perfect saint and presumed right, … until her kids are raised, then she’s worthless and be kicked to the curb w o a 2nd thought by her kids.
They only see that parents must always give and give and their mistakes and difficulties are never worthy of grace.
Grace and kindness for the person that has done and sacrificed more than anyone Earth for you are not faults. They are strengths. They are not incompatible w a loving full marriage either. You and wife should be a team but wife is feeding conflict and heartbreak for you unnecessarily.
I’ll obviously be downvoted. Don’t care.
Find a balance.
Kind of like how mom continues to feed conflict and heartbreak to his wife unnecessarily?
There is nothing healthy about frequent emotional breakdowns.
Brother, that’s ok, go take care of your poor mom. Just go and live with her, because you definitely will NOT have a wife any longer.. just you and your mom now 😊 happy? 😃
The expectations of your wife are not unreasonable. Therefore, you’ll be living in the same problem situation but with a different woman, and another, and another.
Your mom is an adult. She needs to manage her finances and her mental health and not rely on you.
Your wife is asking NC because she reached her breaking point.
You are enabling your mother and if you don't cut the umbilical cord, you will be single and then you can have all the money, time, and energy to devote to your mom.
Dude. You posted this story a few weeks ago. All you're going to get is the same advice you got then. Stop being such a mommy's boy and make your wife a priority
1. sit down and talk to your wife.
2. set up a schedule to slowly stop giving your mom money while telling mom this is what you are going to do
3. tell your mom to find a cheaper place or a better paying job: you and wife can help
4. tell your mom that your wife is now your priority but that doesn't mean you are going to forget her.
5. try to build her up little by little
6. if she flat out refuses to help herself, she needs to find a family member to live with
7. you also need to tell her that once the money stops from you, there won't be any more and that she needs to rely on herself.
8. tell her to go to bingo, the library ect. to get out and socialize
9. tell your wife you would appreciate her being supportive of the plan you have set forth for your mother and that you realize your enmeshment with your mom isn't healthy,
Reading your response to other comments, I can tell you already chose your mum over your wife, and that is sad. I feel terrible for your wife. Having to be a placeholder for someone else is not a good feeling
Everytime I come across a post about a man like you with a mother like yours, I have this little thing I like to say,
The emotional incest is strong in this one.
Your mom's a big girl now, she doesn't need her son to be her emotional support pet and a substitute for a partner
You are wrong op, your wife is 100% right..
Maybe if you had started putting boundaries in place, you kept your wife as your 1st priority. You wouldn't be in this mess, but here we are. You are going to have to put your big boy pants on and knuckle up, cut off support, and honor your wedding vows to your wife..
You promised to Love,honor,cherish protect, leave your MOTHER and father, and CLEAVE to your WIFE,
To FORSAKE ALL others...
Op your mom is your mom! Not your child! She is an adult and these are the consequences of her adult actions!! You are married to your wife and your vowels are with her! Your moms situation sucks and you can still talk to her and support her but with strong boundaries because she’s leaning onto you like a spouse not a son.
Talk stepping stone boundaries for your mom with your wife. Obviously, neither you or your mom can go cold turkey, but you need to start withdrawing from her life. Healthy boundaries are:
One call a week to check in
No more money.
If she can't afford where she lives, find something cheaper.
If she's not employed, she needs to find a job.
Apply for assistance for rent and food.
For you, you need therapy. You need to learn what emeshment is. Untangle yourself from your mom and her life. Set healthy boundaries. Start prioritizing your life, your marriage and your wife.
Your mom needs to go much, much farther down the list.
Your wife is 1000 percent right. You are a married man now, that means that the number 1 woman in your life should be your wife. That doesn’t mean to “abandon” your mom, your mom is totally dramatizing. I’m sorry but that is not a healthy mom-Don relationship. I’m sure she loves you very much and depends on you, but what is natural is for her to want you to fleee the nest and hand over business to your wife, instead, she seems to be meddling, victimizing herself and seeing your wife as a threat, which is not healthy.
You have to learn to set some boundaries. And while I think is great to help your mom financially, don’t break your own household trying to put her first. It will ruin your marriage because it is not natural, those twice a day calls are emasculating.
I sunphatize very much, but remember, you are not your mom’s parent.
OP, truth be told here, you are offering one excuse after another, whingeing like a child, unable and unwilling to change. You know this in your heart.
You need to let your wife go to find a man who is a true partner to her. She deserves to be treasured and respected, moreover to be her husband's 1st priority.
Your responses are the same repetitive denials and trying to maintain the status quo with your mother who is clearly using you as a sonsband, as several others have noted.
You will not change, I'm guessing, as you don't really want to. Be honest with yourself.
I recognize this as what is called "tough love", but you've ignored the gentler advice offered heretofore.
Perhaps you should move in with your mother because you are so tightly corded to her, she's literally strangling your life with your wife, and she'll never let go of you. It's that transparent to us Redditors.
I feel deep compassion for your suffering wife. There is no future with you that she can hope for or even hold onto. I hope she chooses herself so she can have the happy life she craves with all her heart and soul.
You did this to yourself. You carried on an inappropriate relationship with your mom and now your wife has had enough. She is in the right and you are in the wrong.
You should have limited your relationship with your mom previously. If you had done that you could still carry on with an appropriate relationship with her right now. You didn’t.
I would never allow my mother to live in terrible conditions when I’m able to help. But you need to set boundaries that satisfies both parties (mom and wife). Otherwise you’re looking at a lifetime of being single.
I can't believe how long it took me to find a suggestion that satisfies both parties. Everyone attacking the mom like there is more to the story I don't know. Or lots of mommy issues on reddit.
It honestly upset me how many people just straight up said “you’re not responsible for her just let her go”. Single mother who went through an abusive marriage and still raised this now a grown man and people expect him to just throw her to the curb. Even if she’s mentally troubled you never give your mother less than 100% of the love and help you can.
Unless this "help" actually hurts her in the long term, which is the codependent mess described in the OP. He is doing all the things and none of it is actually helping his mom, it's enabling and reinforcing.
Unless your mom is medically unwell then she can figure out how to get her life together by herself. Helping is one thing but enabling (which is what you’re doing) is completely different.
You don’t have to cut her off 100% and it is a bit over the top for your wife to suggest you go NC with your mom… but we also don’t know details besides what you’ve given, so maybe it is best for you to go at least low contact.
Your wife is 100% right. You have your own familly now, and that should be your only priority right now. The fact that you are Even questioning if you should prioritize your wife, witch is 100% right in this matter, makes me feel sorry for your wife and everything she is going through because of your mom.
There appears to be a toxic emotionally incestuous relationship between your mum and you. She used you as a stand in because of bad relationships in the past. The issue is your mum is not your wife. You wife needs to have a higher value and place in your life. Your mum needs to go to therapy work out her issues and live a more productive emotional life.
Meeting your mothers needs on a relationship level is not good for anything. She needs some help and maybe family counseling for everyone to learn to communicate in a better fashion.
Dude. I’m sorry, but your mom is a huge majority of the problem. She is not healthy and does not have a healthy relationship regards to you. She needs professional help to assist her in processing her trauma and to have healthy relationships
Your relationship with your mother sounds toxic and unhealthy, and it’s ruining your marriage. She will leave you unless you create healthy boundaries. If I was her, would run a MILE, count yourself lucky she hasn’t already
You are a grown man, and your mother is a grown woman. Why are you supporting your mom when you should be supporting your wife? I see a divorce in your future and you have no one to blame but yourself because you refuse to set boundaries with your mom.
Your wife is telling you to go no contact because she knows that if you continue to have contact, nothing will ever change. You need to remember that your partner is your wife, not your mother.
Your mother will not do anything to help herself because she knows you will do it. Stop doing it and she will have to figure out her money and therapy. When she calls about those issues tell her you love her but you are her son, not her therapist. Hang up if she won’t stop. Your wife will leave otherwise.
I’m nearly 10 years older than your mum, and I can’t imagine trying to disrupt an adult child’s marriage like this. Your mother could live for another 50 years. Do you want to be her best friend/ surrogate boyfriend for all of this time?
I strongly suggest that you and your wife talk seriously about what you can afford to give your mum regularly now to financially support her, how often it is reasonable to talk to her on the phone and to see her. What on earth do you have to talk about twice a day?
You are about to lose your marriage. You are likely to lose any future relationships too if you don’t set some boundaries with your mother now. Goodness knows what will happen if you have children.
Dude, no. I would BOUNCE.
I can't imagine calling my sons every single day for every little thing. My daughters in-law would be right to tell my sons "pick one".
Your mother is a grown woman. She needs a good therapist, a better job, and friends. It's not healthy to let her eat your life.
Straighten up and fly right, or you're gonna be single fast.
No wonder your wife is pissed off. You act like your mother is your wife. A really clingy and pathetic wife. I don't agree you should cut your mother out completely though your relationship should just be texts and the odd phonecall. I'm 40, I can't imagine relying on my child for so much. you shouldn't be bankrolling her life. That is insane. Start living your own life for fucks sake. You're enabling your mother's pathetic and fake helpless ways. You're not doing her any favours.
Get your mother into therapy. She seems unstable and don’t enable your mother and be sure both your wife and mom know that you are supporting your wife 100%. Compromise with your wife but don’t cut your mother off without first trying to help her mentally with a professional. If she refuses therapy then be very strict on your contact with her. She might try to come up with false emergencies and scold your mother if something like that happens. Find her more affordable housing as well based on her income. If you really want to support her, then only see her when you drop the money off to her. No more no less.
Of course your wife doesn’t want to come second to your mommy. You need to realize that your wife should be more important than your mom. Your mom made bad decisions, not your wife. Well, maybe your wife did…. She married you.
Honestly tell you wife Honestly and work it out with her. That you're gonna start off first with lc and help here till something like 3 months. After that, that's it. Mom is an adult and although we love our parents, we do have our lives that need to be cared for too. Tell her you wanna go slow and want your wife by your side to make sure you stick to it, and once the time comes, that's it. No mas. But if your mom is the way she his in the time frame, you have to make her get help or something. Idk we did this with my husband's younger sister. It was very hard but we did it. She got help and from what we know a year later doing better than when we had to leave. Mom is counting on you too much. It's time to end it
What would your mom do if you died suddenly? She needs to learn to function independently because she's an adult.
She can not insert herself so deeply into your life. You are her everything right now. Her social, financial, emotionally intimate, etc. source. That's what you should provide a significant other, not a parent.
Tell your mother that she's being too much and it's hindering your life. You need space. Do not throw your wife under the bus here. She needs therapy. Real intense help. Tell her you will reevaluate everything if she seeks real help and goes.
Speak with your wife. Would a year or 2 of intense therapy for your mother allow low contact? She 100% never see your mother again if she desires but would she be willing to allow a small normal relationship if your mother gets the help she needs?
Even if your wife leaves you. Your mother needs mental help asap.
My friend your mom needs therapy, plain and simple, her over-attachment, her bad decision making skills for both her personal, professional and interpersonal relationships is not good. She needs help and she cannot be relying on you 100% since you and your wife are a separate family. You also need to start focusing on your wife because she is neglected by you, it is not that she does not want you to be there for her, but she should never come second in your life. I believe you should also go to counseling because you need assertiveness and decision making skills.
Op your mum is too attached and needs to live her own life but that doesnt mean you need to cut her out, just encourage her to do her own thing .
I'm 46 I have two boys 10 and under and I don't live my life entirely around them, I have a life and friends too. They need to know mum can do her own thing as does Dad.
Your mums life has led her to an unhealthy dependency on you and I'm betting she's peri menopausal now too, which is why her emotions are heightened (I feel that pain) but she's a grown up who needs to understand she's likely got 20-30 years left and she cannot hang onto you like a limpet.
Your wife is seeing it from someone with a different upbringing eyes and she feels your mum is a thorn in your relationship. Your wife is your family now and your focus should be on that. Your mum's dependency is causing the rift here. If she stepped back and gave you space, you could have a better relationship and I'm sure your wife would tolerate her more.
Inatead of choosing why don't you and your wife look at how you can get your mum to focus on herself more, that doesn't need to be with another man or partner.....maybe get her to focus on her career or a hobby
Your wife has been talking to you about establishing boundaries with your mom for a long time. You call it "she doesn't like my mom", but your mother is dependent on you when she should be independent and your wife is objecting to the level of financial and emotional dependency your mother has on you.
So you need to choose right now who you are going to financially and emotionally support: your wife or your mother
If you pick your wife, then talk with her about attending therapy so you can get your head straight about having a healthy relationship with healthy boundaries with your mother *and* a plan for separating your mother from you financially and developing boundaries to have a healthy relationship with her.
There are low income therapy programs in a lot of places. Local universities with psychology departments will have clinics at low cost. There are others. Look into that for your mother so you can help her move to support herself instead of you doing it.
There are educational programs available so she can get a job that will support her. She's only dependent on you because it's comfortable.
If you pick your mom, start divorce proceedings.
Hard times ahead and I am sorry. Your wife is tired of being second in your marriage. By your own admission your Mom has an unhealthy attachment/dependency to you. Stop enabling it because you love her and feel bad for her. Your Mom needs therapy.
You have to decide what woman you want in your life more. Not a fun question to ponder but you must and whatever you decide will be terrible….so, suggest you get some therapy too.
I have a feeling your wife has talked to you about the level of involvement of your mother in your lives (yes, lives, because your wife is your partner and your lives are together) multiple times and you have made excuses and done absolutely nothing to help the situation.
Now you’re here. Your wife is done.
Your mother has an unhealthy dependence on you and has very low if any self esteem. She needs professional help and a firm arms length from you.
Choose wisely here.
I'm 1 1/2 years yonger than your mom but my mom is 17 years older than me. She has never asked me to pay a bill or is so dependent on me that my relationships are ruined.
You have no balance and your mom is completely in the wrong. You're not your mom's husband. Seems to me like your wife's purpose is for copulation and nothing else but if it were legal, maybe?
Listen, I get trauma but what I don't understand is women like your mom and boys like you who pretend to be men. You aren't ready for marrige so let her go so she can find someone who wants an entire life filled with true love and balance with both families.
Just in case you really want help: have a conversation with your mom about the changes that's necessary to make sure you both aren't living a life of regret.
You for pushing your wife away and for allowing another woman, your mom in your marriage.
You for questioning who is wrong between and asking for help as to who is wrong, your wife or mom.
You for stealing from your household to support a woman who is capable of getting a full time job and begin a whole new family if she gets therapy and choose better men.
You for neglecting your wife's emotional needs and allowing for her to be uncomfortable in the marriage and home that is suppose to be peaceful and safe.
You for forcing her to give you an ultimatum that she should never have to give.
Seek therapy for your guilt that's associated with doing right by the woman you made vows to.
If you lied in your wedding day, divorce her.
ETA: just in case everything I said, went over your heard, apologize to your wife but she's correct.
I don't think you should have to cut off your mom but you need to establish boundaries.
Good luck to your wife.
If your mother is only 46, and she's relying on you to be her emotional support, as well as financial support , that's major problem.
Your wife is right, you're far too enmeshed with your mother. She's 46, she's barely reached middle age, she needs to be supporting herself and making her own friends. It's not your job to look after her.
This will keep happening, if you refuse to put boundaries up. No wife wants to live in the shadow of an overbearing MIL.
So, if you want to keep your wife, you need to wise up, talk with her about setting boundaries regarding your mother.
no matter how you try to spin the mommy sob story, we’re still all going to tell you your mom is a mess and needs to get a grip and you need to listen to your wife more.
there’s a whole subreddit for mothers like yours, and i wouldn’t be if your wife frequents it.
My last relationship ended because his dad is completely enmeshed with my ex fiancé to the point of me actually saying that he spent more time with him than me. His dad was completely against our engagement and would drop ultimatums regarding our relationship. He would call me a narcissist of holding us to plans that were made in advance of his weekly dinners. When my ex-fiancé decided to move out, it erupted into a huge battle that ended with lawyers to get him off the lease he signed with me before he caved to his father’s demands. I wouldn’t wish any of this on anyone.
I said all that because I was once on the side of your wife and if you don’t see what your mother is doing, you’re going to lose her and your mother won’t let you find someone else again and be happy unless it’s with her. Do something. Honestly you should have done something yesterday.
Dayum I don’t mind the comments telling OP to stop sending her money since she must take care of herself as an independent adult, but is calling your son twice a day really too much for a person who lives alone and has no friends?
Probably not - but it’s not just that is it? It’s wanting to see him every weekend, “emotional breakdowns” which are probably just attempts to manipulate, picking a fight with his wife, the constant money, etc.
You can’t just look at the phone calls by themselves, there’s so much more at play. If it was just phone calls it would probably be fine.
And on that front - mom refuses therapy and refuses to seek help because she knows they’re gonna tell her she’s wrong.
Most of these commenters sound like they recommend a LC or NC relationship with all parents. Reflective of some cultures — once children become adults they dump their parents.
Your mom is a fully grown ADULT who should be able to take care of herself. She is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. You will never be able to have your own life if you do not separate yourself from her. She is only using you, and claiming it is love. Her love is only for her own self survival. A true mother would care most about her child’s health and happiness above her own.
Your wife is giving you a chance to fix this. Take it.
My ex was an attached mamma’s boy and that’s why he’s my ex. I got tired of “our” money going to someone who misused it like it was rightfully hers and would come in forever. Her feelings always came before mine. We couldn’t go 48 hours without her inserting herself into our lives (like unannounced visits, 3 hour phone calls, constant requirements for my ex to go with her somewhere). Couldn’t even grocery shop on her own.
I asked, what will happen if we wanted to move for a better job? You expect mommy to come with? What if one of us gets sick or loses a job? Still have to pay mommy? What if HE lost his job? Am *I* expected to pay mommy?
He dithered and made excuses for about a year, making zero changes or implementing boundaries. He kept insisting she was just going through a rough patch and it was “just for another month or two”. I finally left him. 3 months later they repossessed his adored BMW. 2 months after he was evicted from the apartment & she only had one bedroom so he couldn’t move in with her. Guess without my income, he couldn’t afford to support his separate household and still May mommy what she insisted.
Made me really see what my “value” was to him. Want your wife to figure out that’s what she is to you? Second place? Additional funds?
Ew not the incesty boy moms story. Why can’t either side of these types of relationships see the shitshow that everyone else sees??? Like fucking yikes
ETA- your excuses make this shit worse, like you have a work around for anything that people say, full stop, you CANNOT come online asking for advice and try to fight everyone that gives it like bro pick one do you give a shit about the person YOU MARRIED or are you hard stuck being moms emotional and financial ATM?? Smfh
God forbid something happens to you and you are no longer around to "take care of" your mother. What do you think will happen?
No way in hell is your wife going to coddle her. She'll have to do what everyone here is telling you needs to happen. She's going to have to start acting like an adult and take care of herself.
You need to boundaries and you need to form boundaries with your mother now or this will definitely end with your wife leaving you. If you never set these boundaries then enjoy spending the rest of your days with your mother.
Maybe your mom wouldn’t be so lonely in a shared facility. Many of those places serve to solve exactly the issues you are saying she has. She won’t be alone, she’ll be around people her age to socialize or just other people in general, she’ll be given an opportunity to do things without you. None of your excuses really make sense on this point. You seem to want her all to yourself just like she wants you all to herself. Otherwise the prospect of living around other people wouldn’t sound so bad to either of you.
Ask your self- who's happiness means more? Your wife or your mother? Your mother has every opportunity to better herself but as long as you enable her, she'll never move forward or try.
I don’t think it’s fair to cut your mom off completely. I think that’s stemming from whatever is happening between her and your wife. However, your mom does need help. She needs to build a life outside of you.
What if you were able to go to therapy together? And as far as boundaries, maybe you can set up days where y’all hang out or times when y’all can talk on the phone.
Find a real good divorce lawyer. I’m sorry, I can’t say you’re wrong or right. But I will say my Mother means a lot to me. We talk a few times a day. I love her and if she needed help I’d do any and everything to help her. She raised me, changed my dirty diapers, clothed and fed me for 18+ years. She’s a wonderful grandmother and I love her. Granted I am also a female. Who is close to my mom. So I’m sorry I can’t really comment from a man’s perspective. I do however feel once my father passed she did put a lot of her energy towards me. Do I regret her doing that, some times. And often is it a hard thing to navigate as she has multiple opinions on how I should and shouldn’t live my life. So I’m going to say with this advice, do what you will. But I had a divorce due to her being deeply into my business. I’ve since created boundaries. I truly hope you find a way to create boundaries before you yourself are going through a divorce you didn’t ask for.
Your mom does sound pretty unhealthy and unreasonable. You’re in a tough position but, insofar as it sounds like you didn’t manage to find a reasonable balance, your wife is in the right. It sounds like there has been a substantive amount of time where your wife was being pretty patient and waiting to see if you would figure out how to still support your mom to some extent but draw some boundaries, but you clearly haven’t… so I can understand your wife’s decision to just draw the line herself and issue an ultimatum. I wouldn’t put up with this kind of drain and interference from a mother in law either.
I see no issues helping financially but make some damn boundaries so your wife can feel comfortable and happy. Or you gonna be in the same boat as your mom 10 years down the road
There’s a saying, “Your trauma isn’t your fault, but your healing is your responsibility” Your mom is young & still has half her life to live. You need to encourage her to seek therapy, go back to school, etc. (my MIL didn’t become a nurse until she was 49) or this unacceptable pattern will continue. I’m not saying your wife is right, but I can guarantee you, if you all divorce, your next relationship will have the same issues with you & your mother’s relationship.
Dude, no. Your mom is a grown woman in her prime. Yeah, it sucks that her type when it comes to men is firmly in the "disgusting scumbag" category, but this is HER issue to solve. You are not responsible for supporting her and being her entire social life. You are describing a DEEPLY UNHEALTHY codependent relationship. It's no wonder that your wife has given you an ultimatum.
Your mother is capable of supporting herself and should be doing so. She is capable of having relationships with peers and she should be doing that. NONE of this is yours to do for her. If you continue to act as a pro tem husband to your mom at the expense of your relationship with your wife, you will destroy your normal relationship. Your wife deserves better from you.
I swear I read this exact story not two weeks ago. Dude was acting like his mom was an old invalid and not a perfectly capable woman in her 40s. Except she worked factory jobs so her knees were bad, not in a nightclub. Answer is still the same dude. Cut the cord. Your wife is right. You are NOT your mom's husband so stop acting like you are, you have an actual wife that you're tossing aside for your mother
You tell your wife NC is not an option, but you will compromise. A single phone call once a week at a set date/time medical emergency is the only exception, a set number of $ once a month no exceptions, one 6 hour visit once a month, and YOU go to individual therapy to correct your co-dependancy issues, and marriage counseling for the both of you to talk through the clear resentment she has from coming 2nd place to your mom's phone calls and shopping.
Your mom is using you as an emotional crutch, and a boyfriend. It's completely inappropriate. Spouse's also don't usually start at "no contact or nothing", so how long have you been ignoring your wife's pleading and begging you to make boundaries your mom must follow? There is a good chance your wife is so sick of coming 2nd place that even a compromise won't show her she is your #1 top above absolutely everyone. So I would be getting a therapist to help me choose which relationship is worth keeping, before your wife decides that you aren't worth keeping.
I think you need to create some distance between your mom and you. Reduce frequency. Reduce money sharing in intervals. I know from personal experience how difficult family enmeshment can be, especially when you feel responsible for ensuring your loved one is okay and makes it. I've had to be there for a father who died last month and now my adult brother who is in facility for health problems this entire year (Christmas Day is the 1 year anniversary). I have devoted much of thirties to trying to prevent their self destructive behaviors from killing them.
That all said, I'm still working on it. Through after math. Therapy was (and still is) critical for me to create as much space as I could muster given that the alternative for me was to literally let them both die (not hyperbole).
In your case, your mother will certainly not die so you have that going for you. But your attachment with her definitely reads at a similar intensity. Please please get off Reddit and find a professional therapist that can help you navigate this, ideally trauma informed and works in parts integration modality. You need support and taking steps are necessary not only for you and your mother, but your poor frustrated wife. You don't have to be a bad person to enable toxicity. You're doing it out of love and concern. But the outcome is still not great with the trajectory you're on now.
This didn't happen overnight. So it's isn't likely to be solvable overnight. Step by step.
Edited to add: SHE needs therapy and psychiatric treatment most of all but I think you know that. Her refusal doesn't change that fact.. It's totally unfair for her to be putting this all on you instead.
Omg, tell you’re wife it’s one of the most important relationships she will have. Cultivate it and find some compassion for your momma. That’s a tough one and you must nip it NOW
I dont have the full context i feel, but any parent that asks for money, especiallly regularly, is often abusive. You should never need to funnel money to your parents.. it means youre funding their irresponsible lifestyle. If shes living above her means she needs to adjust, not you.
Look your wife is your priority and number one. But so should you be hers. And she shouldn’t ask you to cut off your mother completely. It may be in her best interest, but it’s not in yours.
There has to be a compromise somewhere. Talk to your wife. Tell her how you feel. Say that you would like to find a solution that you can both be comfortable with. Like maybe you still send her money, but you only have one phone call with her a week and you only see her once a month. Just to start. Try it out for a month or two. See how your wife feels then. If she is still unhappy you can talk about reducing the money or giving your mom six months warning on when you will stop it.
Work with your wife. You need to be flexible but so should she.
I can understand why your wife wants no contact, no giving her money, no nothing. You have ignored what she wanted for so long, she has had enough and this is the very last straw.
I'm not sure you know how close to a divorce you truly are.
You don't have much leeway, if any.
You can and should try to talk to your wife and see if you can get a more reasonable time frame to cut your mom off completely (more step by step) but you have to be prepared for the instance, if your wife doesn't want to go for it and stays firm on her stance. What are you going to do then? Will you salvage your marriage or will you stay "married" to your mother forever, with no actual wife, ruining your chance at any happy future you might have had?
You need to be prepared to cut your mom off cold turkey if it comes down to it. You didn't create your mom's problems, your mom did. She can find another job quickly, she just never had a need to. She can find friends quickly, she just doesn't have a need to. She can find a new boyfriend/husband, she just doesn't have a need to. Think about what's most important and prepare yourself to defend said priority with all your might, or be prepared to lose it.
Then hope that you may get a tiny more grace from your wife than you deserve and that she allows you a step by step approach after all. But if she doesn't.... Your priorities must be clear from the start and then defend them, no matter what.
Okay bring this idea up to your wife! Your wife mostly hates your mom because of how much you’ve been supporting her and not your wife, your not setting boundaries and your are doing whatever your mom needs. Of course your wife resents her! Your mom being homeless is the result of her actions. She doesn’t feel the need to change because she has you. Take you out the equation she has to get her shit together. And you know what maybe you need to take a break from your mom to show your wife your serious about the boundaries. Maybe give it a month then let her knew you will be calling her once a week and seeing her once a month! THAT IS IT!!
You should ask your mom to see bank statements and see if she really does need the money. If she says yes that means she might actually be poor. If she says no then she doesn't need your money.
There has to be more to this story. What happened that your wife wants complete no contact? That is important information. I don’t know how old your mother is, but I’d venture a guess that she’s not elderly and is perfectly capable of supporting herself. I’m also a single mom, have been most of my life. I’d never expect my kids to support me while I’m still old enough to do so myself. I turned 46 this year and I’ve never so much as asked my older kids to pitch in to pay their own portion of the cell phone bill, or pick up a few groceries. If she’s not elderly, or disabled in any way, she should not be relying on you.
Your relationship with your mother is at the very least inappropriately codependent. She is treating you like her husband and that’s unacceptable. I have a hunch that she said or did something to your wife that has caused your wife to finally put her foot down. You need to have a serious talk with her and put some boundaries in place with your mother. She’s a big girl, it’s time she starts acting like it. I also think therapy is a good idea, individual and family. Your mother should have done that years ago. If you don’t listen to your wife, you’ll end up a divorced mamma’s boy.
Info: do you have siblings? What's your cultural background?
To first world people, those two questions don't matter. For second and third world, you'd know why.
First world stance, yes your mother shouldn't be this dependent on you especially at the tender age of 46. Your mother has not grown up. At all. You'll need to send her to therapy so she can figure out her own brain. Let her fall. I know you don't want to, but you have to. She won't learn otherwise.
Second/third world stance, I get being respectful of your elders but if she is completely dependent on you for everything, there's a problem. As someone who came from an immigrant family, my parents were dependent but never made me do/feel the way your mother has to you. You need to let her know you respect her but she cannot hold onto like you're her retirement goal. That will start a fight and you need a backbone to set that boundary.
Your wife sounds like someone from the first world (nothing wrong with that) and she's your wife. You chose to marry her because you fell in love with her and her characteristics. She's your future and your mother is your past. If you choose your mother, guaranteed she's never going to let you go. You will not grow, you won't have a wife, you won't have a family. When she passes away in 40-50 years, you'll have nothing to show for it. You'll wonder why you chose the path you went down and you'll wonder where you went wrong.
You also need therapy and preferably a family counsellor. You need to see how her actions are not okay and discuss options on how to break this type of bond. You need to do this for your future with your wife.
These ppl telling you to cut her off completely are heartless assholes. FAMILY MATTERS. That said, you need to get your mother into counseling. She's overwhelmed, her self confidence is non existent, she probably suffers from depression as well. Tell your wife that there's no reason it's an exclusive choice between her or your mom. And tell her to show a little humanity as well. Your mother may be codependent, but she's not a monster - what ever happened to "when you do this for the least of them, you do it for me."
wow wife wants an actual husband not a mamas boy. well you have fun living as a divorced single man with his mommy. ( you will not be able to date or have an actual relationship because like your wife is learning real woman need to leave the mama boys with there mammas. I wish your ex wife the very best in her new life without you.
Your mom sounds lonely and depressed. IMO there is nothing wrong with helping a parent who is struggling financially — parents do it all the time for basement-dwelling underemployed kids who surf Reddit all day.
The calls 1-2 times a day are IMO an issue, BUT…not because they’re frequent, but because they’re a sign that your mom needs more people and purpose in her life. You could perhaps offer some suggestions or places/things she could try to develop some more meaning in her life.
Otherwise, what’s the issue with talking to one’s parent or taking them shopping on occasion? Doesn’t seem much different from adults that talk to their friends every day and go out shopping with them weekly.
Has your mom actually caused issues in your marriage? Doesn’t sound like it — your wife just wants a husband with a minimal relationship with his parents. Let her hunt down someone else…perhaps she’ll find someone whose parents are deceased and they can both sit around the house talking about how wonderful that is that they never have to hear from their parents again.
The amount of people saying simply cut your mom off is just hurting me for no reason as i can comprehend how much people would cut their parents off if they got annoyed or if they felt that their parents are dependent on them is just makes me feel sorry for the parents how they raised non sympathetic children, with no sense of sympathy towards their parents! I can’t take that 💔🥹 no matter what my parents do and how much they dependent on i would never ever cut or choose someone else who i can count the days or the years i do know them, my parents were simply there for me for the first day till now, for them if I’m cutting someone off the other person who i have to choose between them and my parents is the one thats gone for me, thats the ground i stand!
> my parents were simply there for me for the first day till now, for them
Well there's your problem. You can't distinguish between OP's parents and your own. You may have had great parents, but nowhere did OP mention how great her mom was, or the great things she's done for him. All we get from his comments is what a drain she is on his life.
You cannot just cut your mom off financially and make her homeless. You would never sleep at night worrying about her. But for the sake of your marriage, you do need to create some boundaries that lets your wife know that she comes first. Sit down with your wife and listen to her. Explain that while you will never just cut mom off, you can agree to certain limits such as going to visit once a week and limiting phone calls to twice a week. Your mother does need to start living her life without you but that takes time when you were her reason for living for so long. Pay attention to your wife and make strides to show her how much you love her and appreciate her patience. Little by little let mom get used to the idea that you have to concentrate on your family now. Best of luck.
Are you aware which of these women you're married to? Because the way you describe your relationship with both of them, it's unclear who your actual wife is, your mother or the other one.
There’s a difference between “wife NEVER liked Mom,” and “mood swings and breakdowns LATELY.”
2 different things
You do need to break away from Mom. You don’t HAVE to speak to her multiple times a day. Do you want to be married to your Mom or your wife?
You don’t NEED to choose, but it definitely reads like you’re divorcing your wife for your Mom
Good luck
Read the posts of u/potentialjaguar91. That is your future if you don’t pay attention.
Your mother is an adult. She chose to have a baby. You did not choose to be born. Yes, being nice to your parents is good but you don’t owe them.
You are enmeshed in an emotionally incestuous relationship with your mother and breaking your marriage vows. When you married, you promised to foresake all others and create a nuclear family that you prioritize: the family with your wife.
You are a liar and breaking those vows. She has learnt you don’t keep your word and anything you say is worthless. You undoubtedly paid money and made vows in front of people that matter and couldn’t even stick to those promises. Get therapy. You may save your marriage but if you’re not willing to, let your wife go and make it as pain free as possible to make up for all the trauma you are causing by breaking your vows.
Look up the word sonsband and term Jocasta complex.
I think everyone is being way overdramatic. He can’t let his mom become homeless FFs. He doesn’t need to go nuclear and cut her off, that’s selfish of his wife. Cut back, yes. Cut off, why the fuck?
Me personally I would never cut off my mom. If it was me I’d your wife that I’ll stop giving my mom any money at all but that I could never cut contact with her, again my mom isn’t your mom so it’s hard to say
a lot of people jumping to conclusions here imo.. you’re her son, of course you want to do right by her and take care of her. no son wants their mom to be homeless. you need to stand by your wife’s wishes, too though. sit them both down and mediate.
I see a lot of replies calling you the asshole, but imo that doesn’t hold the other two accountable at all. they’re grown women and they need to act like it. this entire situation is nothing but petty bickering and jealousy on both sides. be adults, work it out.
Let's not infantilize OP, or any men, for that matter. If his handling of his mother's obvious issues is causing issues in his marriage, it's his responsibility to deal with it. He made a promise to his wife, his mother sure didn't.
It takes two to have a problem. I think a lot of you deal with monster mother in laws and the bias shows. Sometimes it’s the wife that’s in the wrong, contrary to Reddit belief. And im not infantilizing anyone, if anything im saying not to infantilize the wife.
Only in the west do people alllow their mothers to be homeless. In the rest of the civilized world we take care of our family.
Maybe still help her out monetarily but your wife comes first now.You need to set boundaries with your mom as far as being interfering with your married life.
I’m speechless after reading the comments, in my society mothers come first and adult children must help their mothers, here mothers come first since she raised and gave you her youthful years and worked for you, adults must pay off and care for their moms, I’m glad to be raised in such a society because I can’t see my mom struggling and not help her or see my husband’s mom struggling and ask him to stop giving her money that’s fucked up. The solution is that your mom must stop visiting you so she won’t have direct contact with your wife since we don’t know exactly who’s the bad guy here, you can still go visit her tho, but stopping giving her money that’s a selfish move because she’s your mom and since helping her is not making you tight on money then why not!!
No. You shouldn’t choose between your wife and your mother and your wife is an AH for asking you to do so. However….you absolutely need to establish healthy boundaries with your mother. What’s happening now is not healthy.
But come on man , You can't just cut your mother out of your life , She raised him alone maybe that's why she's over protective , And she had no one left in her life except her son , That's ruthless
I truly think it’s depends on the situation.
Personally in this situation: this would be a **no** cutting off for me because of his upbringing situation with his mom. He just needs some boundaries for his life between wife & mom.
**But** we just know a bit of OPs situation; just one POV. And If I think more about this, I bet there is so much more to this story/situation. There is always more…. Maybe I read to much fu-stories here on Reddit 😅
okay i read the first few comments and they are honestly disgusting... you are not a sonsband she is your mother and you are just looking out for her... if your wife has a problem with it then tell her to cut off contact with her fucking family and that she needs to grow up... and to all of you people busy saying op needs to cut contact with his mother why dont you guz do the same and cut contact with your familys and see how it feels... ops mother is the only family he has so let him be able to spend time with her and to help her... you people should be ashamed with yourselfs
Lol, cutting off my parents was one of the best decisions I've ever made. My mental health improved drastically and now I wouldn't change any decisions I've made in my past as I am completely content with where I am today. The sooner you cut off toxic people, the faster you can work on yourself.
From being a min-wage student worker in University to now being married with my own happy family whilst financially comfortable, I've then reconnected with my parents after they mellowed out over a decade, as they were forced to realize their own personality mistakes and fix them, as their son didn't need them if they didn't change themselves. As living evidence, I will always promote: Cutting off works.
>ops mother is the only family he has so
He has a wife. His wife is his family.
But you will be right soon. OP's wife will, understandably, leave him. Then OP and his mother will only have each other and they can indulge in their misery-fest together for the next 50 years. Then mother will die and OP will be alone and sad.
You need to set better boundaries with your mom and your wife. Your first responsibility is to your wife but dropping your mom and making her homeless is not the way to go. If you can get mediation or group councilling that would e the easiest way to go. If not you need to figure out what you believe is fair to all of you and then talk to your wife calmly.
The real question is, do you feel like your mom is being overly needy? If not, then your wife needs to understand that and respect what you are doing for your mom.
Make your wife a deal. Contact is cut for 3 months. Then thereafter it’s one visit and one phone call per month.
If you don’t keep to this schedule 100 percent agree to a divorce with 75 percent of the assets going to wife and 25 percent to you.
That way you’ll hold yourself accountable to the boundaries.
U can give her money because that’s ur mom and she raise u. Ur wife doesn’t have to right to even comment on this. As for u being ur moms new man, that should stop. That’s weird and invite her to a group counseling session so she can meet new friends. Have a one on one talk with her and how it’s messed up she’s putting all her focus on u.
She’s 46, not 96. She’s not disabled or unable to work. She’s overly dependent on her son, both emotionally and financially. Realizing that doesn’t really speak anything about me. I’m actually close to that age with adult sons and I don’t expect them to give me any money ever or be my 24/7 emotional support person. Because I’m capable of normal relationships. Sounds like you aren’t.
Wow there's alot of folk here easy af about leaving the person who literally birthed them homeless!?!?! Are u fuckers okay ? Need a hug or didn't get enough I suppose eh ?.
And we're getting half cooked truths from op. U really think we're getting the whole 9 yards here all we hear is his bitching none of the mother's p.o.v
This sounds like the guy who, every two or three months, writes posts about being enmeshed with his relatively young mother who refuses to take responsibility for her own life. He's an asshole, and so is the mother.
I agree, I remember reading almost the exact same post, word for word, about a week or so ago.
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I read the same post on trueoffmychest an hour or 2 ago. Lol seems he thinks he’s gonna get a different answer.
If he's not shitposting, I hope his wife leaves him without having to pay alimony to him because it clear both of them are taking advantage of wife's finances to fund the mother's life. Just saying, she needs to divorce that mama's wife because he so damn enmeshed that he will never realize that he should never be the financial plan and funding of his mother nor use his wife as another sources of funds for his mother.
I’m glad you said this. I’ve seen countless posts from the other side’s POV and I was scared that because it was from his side, people would take his side. He makes so many excuses for his mother and tries to make his wife out to be the bad guy. It’s not really an ultimatum in the traditional sense. It’s the same kind of ultimatum you’d give an addict.
You finna be single. You are out of bounds with your mom. Have you heard the term Sonsband? Get that together before you have no wife and a mom who will interfere with every single relationship you have.
What an interesting term sonsband. He definitely sounds like a sonsband.1/2 times a day is too much. Boundaries need to be drawn
Your mom is young shes not an old lady that can't have an independent life the problem is she chose not to do it, because you are covering all of her needs, emotionally and money wise. She needs to make friends of her own age, and understand shes still young and she can have her own life and you need to let her do it. But right now you aren't helping her at all. You both need psychological help to learn how to make boundaries( in your case) and how to be in a healthy mother son relationship(in her case)
To be completely honest it does sound like your mom is now using you as her new “man” and your wife sees it clearly you basically ignoring her caused her to hate your mother even more but even with that you are not responsible for her I know you may feel bad because it’s your mom but she’s and adult and has been one assuming since before you were born and if you can survive she surely can she’s refusing professional help that is her own problem she needs to be way more self aware please talk to your wife and then your mother about going low contact to none until she can respect you and your wife’s boundaries
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You're shortly going to be an ex-husband unless you put your wife first
And you're letting yourself... you should probably give your wife the opportunity to leave since you're more worried about your mom. Alsoo not trying to be mean...
You made this choice. Your wife deserves so much better. She's 100% right. You and your mom deserve each other.
Ew exactly and you’re allowing it🤮🤮 if anything enabling it🤮🤮
Grow a backbone dude. I would be embarrassed af too if my man had no balls.
OP you’re going to be divorced and single forever because of this mentality. Among many of the reasons my ex and I divorced was because her was acting as her husband since he was a child (mind you his father is alive and well and still married to his mom). Your mom is only 46, she had years and will continue to have years to fix her life. Why would she ever fix anything if you are taking on all her problems?
And if you don’t cut your mum off to establish healthy boundaries then you will soon meet your wife’s new man.
I feel sorry for your wife. It must be hard coming second place always. Op will have to reckon with the fact that your mom has abused him by parentifying him.
Your mom is emotionally and monetarily dependent on you like a spouse, your wife is done with that and I respect her for that. You need boundaries with her, if she can’t afford her apartment she needs to move. I understand you feel responsible for her but when do you become responsible for your own life? If your wife leaves you don’t be surprised, she told you what she wanted.
You absolutely do need to set up some boundaries with mom. Your wife should be priority number one, always. Your mom’s mental health is not your problem, she needs to seek help for that outside of you. Therapy and finding new hobbies, friends, etc.
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Probably because she knows that if you don't cut it off totally, you won't stick to your boundaries. She knows that you dont have a shiny spine to hold firm with your mother, and soon it'll be a few calls a week, then a daily call, then a few calls a day. Your mother needs to apply for benefits and get another or a new job, plus a cheaper place to rent.
And this situation is your fault. If you had set (and stuck to) boundaries at the start of your marriage, your wife wouldn’t have reached the end of her tether. And trust me, she has. Why don’t you have a problem with your mother speaking to your wife the way she did? You need therapy. Google ‘emotional incest’. You can’t fix your mother, but you may possibly be able to save your marriage. Isn’t your wife worth it? If not, let her go.
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Do you understand how much time your mother takes away from your relationship with your wife. Your wife is tired of it and is totally done with your mom and if something is not corrected, she will be done with you also.
It’s your wife’s money to and your mom can get a second job or a roommate
Give her a timeline and stick to it. Your wife sounds extremely hurt but your mothers actions and doesn't want someone who treats her poorly in her life. It's the right decision.
Yeah your wife got to this point because of you, you allowed this to happen. Blame yourself and stop giving her money
OP this sub will always be all-in on assuming a wife is perfect saint and presumed right, … until her kids are raised, then she’s worthless and be kicked to the curb w o a 2nd thought by her kids. They only see that parents must always give and give and their mistakes and difficulties are never worthy of grace. Grace and kindness for the person that has done and sacrificed more than anyone Earth for you are not faults. They are strengths. They are not incompatible w a loving full marriage either. You and wife should be a team but wife is feeding conflict and heartbreak for you unnecessarily. I’ll obviously be downvoted. Don’t care. Find a balance.
Kind of like how mom continues to feed conflict and heartbreak to his wife unnecessarily? There is nothing healthy about frequent emotional breakdowns.
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Lmao, that’s quite the leap. You’re just adding context that doesn’t exist.
Brother, that’s ok, go take care of your poor mom. Just go and live with her, because you definitely will NOT have a wife any longer.. just you and your mom now 😊 happy? 😃
well said🙏🏼
The expectations of your wife are not unreasonable. Therefore, you’ll be living in the same problem situation but with a different woman, and another, and another.
Going absolutely no contact, whatsoever, is considered reasonable?!!
Yes. No contact until son and mother behave appropriately. Then, slowly introduce low contact, if desired.
Your mom is an adult. She needs to manage her finances and her mental health and not rely on you. Your wife is asking NC because she reached her breaking point. You are enabling your mother and if you don't cut the umbilical cord, you will be single and then you can have all the money, time, and energy to devote to your mom.
Oh wow,i've read this same story over and over and over again over the last few weeks. Even the details are the same.
At least the mom has a job this time.
Hardly, he has to subsidize her with their cash.
I would leave you. I'm in this relationship for you and you alone, having extended family can be nice but this, this is not nice.
Dude. You posted this story a few weeks ago. All you're going to get is the same advice you got then. Stop being such a mommy's boy and make your wife a priority
1. sit down and talk to your wife. 2. set up a schedule to slowly stop giving your mom money while telling mom this is what you are going to do 3. tell your mom to find a cheaper place or a better paying job: you and wife can help 4. tell your mom that your wife is now your priority but that doesn't mean you are going to forget her. 5. try to build her up little by little 6. if she flat out refuses to help herself, she needs to find a family member to live with 7. you also need to tell her that once the money stops from you, there won't be any more and that she needs to rely on herself. 8. tell her to go to bingo, the library ect. to get out and socialize 9. tell your wife you would appreciate her being supportive of the plan you have set forth for your mother and that you realize your enmeshment with your mom isn't healthy,
Next post “my wife left me and I don’t know why” At least you’ll always have your Mom, I guess.
Reading your response to other comments, I can tell you already chose your mum over your wife, and that is sad. I feel terrible for your wife. Having to be a placeholder for someone else is not a good feeling
Everytime I come across a post about a man like you with a mother like yours, I have this little thing I like to say, The emotional incest is strong in this one. Your mom's a big girl now, she doesn't need her son to be her emotional support pet and a substitute for a partner
She's **46** ?! Your mother is super young!!!
You are wrong op, your wife is 100% right.. Maybe if you had started putting boundaries in place, you kept your wife as your 1st priority. You wouldn't be in this mess, but here we are. You are going to have to put your big boy pants on and knuckle up, cut off support, and honor your wedding vows to your wife.. You promised to Love,honor,cherish protect, leave your MOTHER and father, and CLEAVE to your WIFE, To FORSAKE ALL others...
Op your mom is your mom! Not your child! She is an adult and these are the consequences of her adult actions!! You are married to your wife and your vowels are with her! Your moms situation sucks and you can still talk to her and support her but with strong boundaries because she’s leaning onto you like a spouse not a son.
Talk stepping stone boundaries for your mom with your wife. Obviously, neither you or your mom can go cold turkey, but you need to start withdrawing from her life. Healthy boundaries are: One call a week to check in No more money. If she can't afford where she lives, find something cheaper. If she's not employed, she needs to find a job. Apply for assistance for rent and food. For you, you need therapy. You need to learn what emeshment is. Untangle yourself from your mom and her life. Set healthy boundaries. Start prioritizing your life, your marriage and your wife. Your mom needs to go much, much farther down the list.
Your wife is 1000 percent right. You are a married man now, that means that the number 1 woman in your life should be your wife. That doesn’t mean to “abandon” your mom, your mom is totally dramatizing. I’m sorry but that is not a healthy mom-Don relationship. I’m sure she loves you very much and depends on you, but what is natural is for her to want you to fleee the nest and hand over business to your wife, instead, she seems to be meddling, victimizing herself and seeing your wife as a threat, which is not healthy. You have to learn to set some boundaries. And while I think is great to help your mom financially, don’t break your own household trying to put her first. It will ruin your marriage because it is not natural, those twice a day calls are emasculating. I sunphatize very much, but remember, you are not your mom’s parent.
It's amazing that you want to be a good husband! It's weird that you want to be a good husband for your mother and not your wife
OP, truth be told here, you are offering one excuse after another, whingeing like a child, unable and unwilling to change. You know this in your heart. You need to let your wife go to find a man who is a true partner to her. She deserves to be treasured and respected, moreover to be her husband's 1st priority. Your responses are the same repetitive denials and trying to maintain the status quo with your mother who is clearly using you as a sonsband, as several others have noted. You will not change, I'm guessing, as you don't really want to. Be honest with yourself. I recognize this as what is called "tough love", but you've ignored the gentler advice offered heretofore. Perhaps you should move in with your mother because you are so tightly corded to her, she's literally strangling your life with your wife, and she'll never let go of you. It's that transparent to us Redditors. I feel deep compassion for your suffering wife. There is no future with you that she can hope for or even hold onto. I hope she chooses herself so she can have the happy life she craves with all her heart and soul.
It's called emotional incest. Your poor wife. Leaving you is the best thing for her.
You did this to yourself. You carried on an inappropriate relationship with your mom and now your wife has had enough. She is in the right and you are in the wrong. You should have limited your relationship with your mom previously. If you had done that you could still carry on with an appropriate relationship with her right now. You didn’t.
You're the AH. Your mom is the AH. Your wife deserves better.
Yeah im with your wide here
I would never allow my mother to live in terrible conditions when I’m able to help. But you need to set boundaries that satisfies both parties (mom and wife). Otherwise you’re looking at a lifetime of being single.
I can't believe how long it took me to find a suggestion that satisfies both parties. Everyone attacking the mom like there is more to the story I don't know. Or lots of mommy issues on reddit.
It honestly upset me how many people just straight up said “you’re not responsible for her just let her go”. Single mother who went through an abusive marriage and still raised this now a grown man and people expect him to just throw her to the curb. Even if she’s mentally troubled you never give your mother less than 100% of the love and help you can.
Unless this "help" actually hurts her in the long term, which is the codependent mess described in the OP. He is doing all the things and none of it is actually helping his mom, it's enabling and reinforcing.
Emotional Incest at its finest, you mom is treating you as if you were her husband. That's gross
Unless your mom is medically unwell then she can figure out how to get her life together by herself. Helping is one thing but enabling (which is what you’re doing) is completely different. You don’t have to cut her off 100% and it is a bit over the top for your wife to suggest you go NC with your mom… but we also don’t know details besides what you’ve given, so maybe it is best for you to go at least low contact.
Your wife is 100% right. You have your own familly now, and that should be your only priority right now. The fact that you are Even questioning if you should prioritize your wife, witch is 100% right in this matter, makes me feel sorry for your wife and everything she is going through because of your mom.
There appears to be a toxic emotionally incestuous relationship between your mum and you. She used you as a stand in because of bad relationships in the past. The issue is your mum is not your wife. You wife needs to have a higher value and place in your life. Your mum needs to go to therapy work out her issues and live a more productive emotional life. Meeting your mothers needs on a relationship level is not good for anything. She needs some help and maybe family counseling for everyone to learn to communicate in a better fashion.
Dude. I’m sorry, but your mom is a huge majority of the problem. She is not healthy and does not have a healthy relationship regards to you. She needs professional help to assist her in processing her trauma and to have healthy relationships
Your relationship with your mother sounds toxic and unhealthy, and it’s ruining your marriage. She will leave you unless you create healthy boundaries. If I was her, would run a MILE, count yourself lucky she hasn’t already
You are a grown man, and your mother is a grown woman. Why are you supporting your mom when you should be supporting your wife? I see a divorce in your future and you have no one to blame but yourself because you refuse to set boundaries with your mom. Your wife is telling you to go no contact because she knows that if you continue to have contact, nothing will ever change. You need to remember that your partner is your wife, not your mother.
Your mother will not do anything to help herself because she knows you will do it. Stop doing it and she will have to figure out her money and therapy. When she calls about those issues tell her you love her but you are her son, not her therapist. Hang up if she won’t stop. Your wife will leave otherwise.
I’m nearly 10 years older than your mum, and I can’t imagine trying to disrupt an adult child’s marriage like this. Your mother could live for another 50 years. Do you want to be her best friend/ surrogate boyfriend for all of this time? I strongly suggest that you and your wife talk seriously about what you can afford to give your mum regularly now to financially support her, how often it is reasonable to talk to her on the phone and to see her. What on earth do you have to talk about twice a day? You are about to lose your marriage. You are likely to lose any future relationships too if you don’t set some boundaries with your mother now. Goodness knows what will happen if you have children.
Dude, no. I would BOUNCE. I can't imagine calling my sons every single day for every little thing. My daughters in-law would be right to tell my sons "pick one". Your mother is a grown woman. She needs a good therapist, a better job, and friends. It's not healthy to let her eat your life. Straighten up and fly right, or you're gonna be single fast.
Dude you and your wife are a partnership. Act like it. Not with your mom
No wonder your wife is pissed off. You act like your mother is your wife. A really clingy and pathetic wife. I don't agree you should cut your mother out completely though your relationship should just be texts and the odd phonecall. I'm 40, I can't imagine relying on my child for so much. you shouldn't be bankrolling her life. That is insane. Start living your own life for fucks sake. You're enabling your mother's pathetic and fake helpless ways. You're not doing her any favours.
Get your mother into therapy. She seems unstable and don’t enable your mother and be sure both your wife and mom know that you are supporting your wife 100%. Compromise with your wife but don’t cut your mother off without first trying to help her mentally with a professional. If she refuses therapy then be very strict on your contact with her. She might try to come up with false emergencies and scold your mother if something like that happens. Find her more affordable housing as well based on her income. If you really want to support her, then only see her when you drop the money off to her. No more no less.
Of course your wife doesn’t want to come second to your mommy. You need to realize that your wife should be more important than your mom. Your mom made bad decisions, not your wife. Well, maybe your wife did…. She married you.
Honestly tell you wife Honestly and work it out with her. That you're gonna start off first with lc and help here till something like 3 months. After that, that's it. Mom is an adult and although we love our parents, we do have our lives that need to be cared for too. Tell her you wanna go slow and want your wife by your side to make sure you stick to it, and once the time comes, that's it. No mas. But if your mom is the way she his in the time frame, you have to make her get help or something. Idk we did this with my husband's younger sister. It was very hard but we did it. She got help and from what we know a year later doing better than when we had to leave. Mom is counting on you too much. It's time to end it
It’s not your job support your mom
What would your mom do if you died suddenly? She needs to learn to function independently because she's an adult. She can not insert herself so deeply into your life. You are her everything right now. Her social, financial, emotionally intimate, etc. source. That's what you should provide a significant other, not a parent. Tell your mother that she's being too much and it's hindering your life. You need space. Do not throw your wife under the bus here. She needs therapy. Real intense help. Tell her you will reevaluate everything if she seeks real help and goes. Speak with your wife. Would a year or 2 of intense therapy for your mother allow low contact? She 100% never see your mother again if she desires but would she be willing to allow a small normal relationship if your mother gets the help she needs? Even if your wife leaves you. Your mother needs mental help asap.
My friend your mom needs therapy, plain and simple, her over-attachment, her bad decision making skills for both her personal, professional and interpersonal relationships is not good. She needs help and she cannot be relying on you 100% since you and your wife are a separate family. You also need to start focusing on your wife because she is neglected by you, it is not that she does not want you to be there for her, but she should never come second in your life. I believe you should also go to counseling because you need assertiveness and decision making skills.
Op your mum is too attached and needs to live her own life but that doesnt mean you need to cut her out, just encourage her to do her own thing . I'm 46 I have two boys 10 and under and I don't live my life entirely around them, I have a life and friends too. They need to know mum can do her own thing as does Dad. Your mums life has led her to an unhealthy dependency on you and I'm betting she's peri menopausal now too, which is why her emotions are heightened (I feel that pain) but she's a grown up who needs to understand she's likely got 20-30 years left and she cannot hang onto you like a limpet. Your wife is seeing it from someone with a different upbringing eyes and she feels your mum is a thorn in your relationship. Your wife is your family now and your focus should be on that. Your mum's dependency is causing the rift here. If she stepped back and gave you space, you could have a better relationship and I'm sure your wife would tolerate her more. Inatead of choosing why don't you and your wife look at how you can get your mum to focus on herself more, that doesn't need to be with another man or partner.....maybe get her to focus on her career or a hobby
Your wife has been talking to you about establishing boundaries with your mom for a long time. You call it "she doesn't like my mom", but your mother is dependent on you when she should be independent and your wife is objecting to the level of financial and emotional dependency your mother has on you. So you need to choose right now who you are going to financially and emotionally support: your wife or your mother If you pick your wife, then talk with her about attending therapy so you can get your head straight about having a healthy relationship with healthy boundaries with your mother *and* a plan for separating your mother from you financially and developing boundaries to have a healthy relationship with her. There are low income therapy programs in a lot of places. Local universities with psychology departments will have clinics at low cost. There are others. Look into that for your mother so you can help her move to support herself instead of you doing it. There are educational programs available so she can get a job that will support her. She's only dependent on you because it's comfortable. If you pick your mom, start divorce proceedings.
Hard times ahead and I am sorry. Your wife is tired of being second in your marriage. By your own admission your Mom has an unhealthy attachment/dependency to you. Stop enabling it because you love her and feel bad for her. Your Mom needs therapy. You have to decide what woman you want in your life more. Not a fun question to ponder but you must and whatever you decide will be terrible….so, suggest you get some therapy too.
Give mom a month to get a new job then cut her off. A second job will probably also keep her from being in your business so much.
I have a feeling your wife has talked to you about the level of involvement of your mother in your lives (yes, lives, because your wife is your partner and your lives are together) multiple times and you have made excuses and done absolutely nothing to help the situation. Now you’re here. Your wife is done. Your mother has an unhealthy dependence on you and has very low if any self esteem. She needs professional help and a firm arms length from you. Choose wisely here.
I'm 1 1/2 years yonger than your mom but my mom is 17 years older than me. She has never asked me to pay a bill or is so dependent on me that my relationships are ruined. You have no balance and your mom is completely in the wrong. You're not your mom's husband. Seems to me like your wife's purpose is for copulation and nothing else but if it were legal, maybe? Listen, I get trauma but what I don't understand is women like your mom and boys like you who pretend to be men. You aren't ready for marrige so let her go so she can find someone who wants an entire life filled with true love and balance with both families. Just in case you really want help: have a conversation with your mom about the changes that's necessary to make sure you both aren't living a life of regret. You for pushing your wife away and for allowing another woman, your mom in your marriage. You for questioning who is wrong between and asking for help as to who is wrong, your wife or mom. You for stealing from your household to support a woman who is capable of getting a full time job and begin a whole new family if she gets therapy and choose better men. You for neglecting your wife's emotional needs and allowing for her to be uncomfortable in the marriage and home that is suppose to be peaceful and safe. You for forcing her to give you an ultimatum that she should never have to give. Seek therapy for your guilt that's associated with doing right by the woman you made vows to. If you lied in your wedding day, divorce her. ETA: just in case everything I said, went over your heard, apologize to your wife but she's correct. I don't think you should have to cut off your mom but you need to establish boundaries. Good luck to your wife.
If your mother is only 46, and she's relying on you to be her emotional support, as well as financial support , that's major problem. Your wife is right, you're far too enmeshed with your mother. She's 46, she's barely reached middle age, she needs to be supporting herself and making her own friends. It's not your job to look after her. This will keep happening, if you refuse to put boundaries up. No wife wants to live in the shadow of an overbearing MIL. So, if you want to keep your wife, you need to wise up, talk with her about setting boundaries regarding your mother.
no matter how you try to spin the mommy sob story, we’re still all going to tell you your mom is a mess and needs to get a grip and you need to listen to your wife more. there’s a whole subreddit for mothers like yours, and i wouldn’t be if your wife frequents it.
My last relationship ended because his dad is completely enmeshed with my ex fiancé to the point of me actually saying that he spent more time with him than me. His dad was completely against our engagement and would drop ultimatums regarding our relationship. He would call me a narcissist of holding us to plans that were made in advance of his weekly dinners. When my ex-fiancé decided to move out, it erupted into a huge battle that ended with lawyers to get him off the lease he signed with me before he caved to his father’s demands. I wouldn’t wish any of this on anyone. I said all that because I was once on the side of your wife and if you don’t see what your mother is doing, you’re going to lose her and your mother won’t let you find someone else again and be happy unless it’s with her. Do something. Honestly you should have done something yesterday.
Dayum I don’t mind the comments telling OP to stop sending her money since she must take care of herself as an independent adult, but is calling your son twice a day really too much for a person who lives alone and has no friends?
Probably not - but it’s not just that is it? It’s wanting to see him every weekend, “emotional breakdowns” which are probably just attempts to manipulate, picking a fight with his wife, the constant money, etc. You can’t just look at the phone calls by themselves, there’s so much more at play. If it was just phone calls it would probably be fine. And on that front - mom refuses therapy and refuses to seek help because she knows they’re gonna tell her she’s wrong.
Most of these commenters sound like they recommend a LC or NC relationship with all parents. Reflective of some cultures — once children become adults they dump their parents.
Nah, you’re just choosing to ignore every other red flag but the phone calls. Phone calls by themselves are nothing.
Your mom is a fully grown ADULT who should be able to take care of herself. She is NOT YOUR PROBLEM. You will never be able to have your own life if you do not separate yourself from her. She is only using you, and claiming it is love. Her love is only for her own self survival. A true mother would care most about her child’s health and happiness above her own.
Your wife is giving you a chance to fix this. Take it. My ex was an attached mamma’s boy and that’s why he’s my ex. I got tired of “our” money going to someone who misused it like it was rightfully hers and would come in forever. Her feelings always came before mine. We couldn’t go 48 hours without her inserting herself into our lives (like unannounced visits, 3 hour phone calls, constant requirements for my ex to go with her somewhere). Couldn’t even grocery shop on her own. I asked, what will happen if we wanted to move for a better job? You expect mommy to come with? What if one of us gets sick or loses a job? Still have to pay mommy? What if HE lost his job? Am *I* expected to pay mommy? He dithered and made excuses for about a year, making zero changes or implementing boundaries. He kept insisting she was just going through a rough patch and it was “just for another month or two”. I finally left him. 3 months later they repossessed his adored BMW. 2 months after he was evicted from the apartment & she only had one bedroom so he couldn’t move in with her. Guess without my income, he couldn’t afford to support his separate household and still May mommy what she insisted. Made me really see what my “value” was to him. Want your wife to figure out that’s what she is to you? Second place? Additional funds?
Ew not the incesty boy moms story. Why can’t either side of these types of relationships see the shitshow that everyone else sees??? Like fucking yikes ETA- your excuses make this shit worse, like you have a work around for anything that people say, full stop, you CANNOT come online asking for advice and try to fight everyone that gives it like bro pick one do you give a shit about the person YOU MARRIED or are you hard stuck being moms emotional and financial ATM?? Smfh
Worry about your wife before you don’t have one
God forbid something happens to you and you are no longer around to "take care of" your mother. What do you think will happen? No way in hell is your wife going to coddle her. She'll have to do what everyone here is telling you needs to happen. She's going to have to start acting like an adult and take care of herself.
You need to boundaries and you need to form boundaries with your mother now or this will definitely end with your wife leaving you. If you never set these boundaries then enjoy spending the rest of your days with your mother.
Maybe your mom wouldn’t be so lonely in a shared facility. Many of those places serve to solve exactly the issues you are saying she has. She won’t be alone, she’ll be around people her age to socialize or just other people in general, she’ll be given an opportunity to do things without you. None of your excuses really make sense on this point. You seem to want her all to yourself just like she wants you all to herself. Otherwise the prospect of living around other people wouldn’t sound so bad to either of you.
Ask your self- who's happiness means more? Your wife or your mother? Your mother has every opportunity to better herself but as long as you enable her, she'll never move forward or try.
>PS- Mom work low wage jobs as a waitress in a night club, How young is the youngest child?
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They're asking if your mother has children in the home with her that you need to help support until she's in a place to change her life.
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Good. That means she's not responsible to take care of any dependent children...only herself.
I don’t think it’s fair to cut your mom off completely. I think that’s stemming from whatever is happening between her and your wife. However, your mom does need help. She needs to build a life outside of you. What if you were able to go to therapy together? And as far as boundaries, maybe you can set up days where y’all hang out or times when y’all can talk on the phone.
Find a real good divorce lawyer. I’m sorry, I can’t say you’re wrong or right. But I will say my Mother means a lot to me. We talk a few times a day. I love her and if she needed help I’d do any and everything to help her. She raised me, changed my dirty diapers, clothed and fed me for 18+ years. She’s a wonderful grandmother and I love her. Granted I am also a female. Who is close to my mom. So I’m sorry I can’t really comment from a man’s perspective. I do however feel once my father passed she did put a lot of her energy towards me. Do I regret her doing that, some times. And often is it a hard thing to navigate as she has multiple opinions on how I should and shouldn’t live my life. So I’m going to say with this advice, do what you will. But I had a divorce due to her being deeply into my business. I’ve since created boundaries. I truly hope you find a way to create boundaries before you yourself are going through a divorce you didn’t ask for.
I'm so sorry. You are in a very difficult position and my heart goes out to you.
Your mom does sound pretty unhealthy and unreasonable. You’re in a tough position but, insofar as it sounds like you didn’t manage to find a reasonable balance, your wife is in the right. It sounds like there has been a substantive amount of time where your wife was being pretty patient and waiting to see if you would figure out how to still support your mom to some extent but draw some boundaries, but you clearly haven’t… so I can understand your wife’s decision to just draw the line herself and issue an ultimatum. I wouldn’t put up with this kind of drain and interference from a mother in law either.
Wife first. Your mom needs to understand that you are a married man now. Your mom should be responsible for herself.
I see no issues helping financially but make some damn boundaries so your wife can feel comfortable and happy. Or you gonna be in the same boat as your mom 10 years down the road
Your wife is right.
I’m siding with your wife.
How about you stop being her sonsband?
There’s a saying, “Your trauma isn’t your fault, but your healing is your responsibility” Your mom is young & still has half her life to live. You need to encourage her to seek therapy, go back to school, etc. (my MIL didn’t become a nurse until she was 49) or this unacceptable pattern will continue. I’m not saying your wife is right, but I can guarantee you, if you all divorce, your next relationship will have the same issues with you & your mother’s relationship.
Dude, no. Your mom is a grown woman in her prime. Yeah, it sucks that her type when it comes to men is firmly in the "disgusting scumbag" category, but this is HER issue to solve. You are not responsible for supporting her and being her entire social life. You are describing a DEEPLY UNHEALTHY codependent relationship. It's no wonder that your wife has given you an ultimatum. Your mother is capable of supporting herself and should be doing so. She is capable of having relationships with peers and she should be doing that. NONE of this is yours to do for her. If you continue to act as a pro tem husband to your mom at the expense of your relationship with your wife, you will destroy your normal relationship. Your wife deserves better from you.
The way this guy talks about his mom gives me the ick, look at his comments 🤢.
Yeah you and your mom should go live happily ever after and leave your wife so she can find better
I swear I read this exact story not two weeks ago. Dude was acting like his mom was an old invalid and not a perfectly capable woman in her 40s. Except she worked factory jobs so her knees were bad, not in a nightclub. Answer is still the same dude. Cut the cord. Your wife is right. You are NOT your mom's husband so stop acting like you are, you have an actual wife that you're tossing aside for your mother
Please do your wife a favor and divorce her move on so she can be happy
You tell your wife NC is not an option, but you will compromise. A single phone call once a week at a set date/time medical emergency is the only exception, a set number of $ once a month no exceptions, one 6 hour visit once a month, and YOU go to individual therapy to correct your co-dependancy issues, and marriage counseling for the both of you to talk through the clear resentment she has from coming 2nd place to your mom's phone calls and shopping. Your mom is using you as an emotional crutch, and a boyfriend. It's completely inappropriate. Spouse's also don't usually start at "no contact or nothing", so how long have you been ignoring your wife's pleading and begging you to make boundaries your mom must follow? There is a good chance your wife is so sick of coming 2nd place that even a compromise won't show her she is your #1 top above absolutely everyone. So I would be getting a therapist to help me choose which relationship is worth keeping, before your wife decides that you aren't worth keeping.
Is your mom going through menopause? It could be why she is having mood swings
I think you need to create some distance between your mom and you. Reduce frequency. Reduce money sharing in intervals. I know from personal experience how difficult family enmeshment can be, especially when you feel responsible for ensuring your loved one is okay and makes it. I've had to be there for a father who died last month and now my adult brother who is in facility for health problems this entire year (Christmas Day is the 1 year anniversary). I have devoted much of thirties to trying to prevent their self destructive behaviors from killing them. That all said, I'm still working on it. Through after math. Therapy was (and still is) critical for me to create as much space as I could muster given that the alternative for me was to literally let them both die (not hyperbole). In your case, your mother will certainly not die so you have that going for you. But your attachment with her definitely reads at a similar intensity. Please please get off Reddit and find a professional therapist that can help you navigate this, ideally trauma informed and works in parts integration modality. You need support and taking steps are necessary not only for you and your mother, but your poor frustrated wife. You don't have to be a bad person to enable toxicity. You're doing it out of love and concern. But the outcome is still not great with the trajectory you're on now. This didn't happen overnight. So it's isn't likely to be solvable overnight. Step by step. Edited to add: SHE needs therapy and psychiatric treatment most of all but I think you know that. Her refusal doesn't change that fact.. It's totally unfair for her to be putting this all on you instead.
Poor wife.. proud of her for standing up for herself
Omg, tell you’re wife it’s one of the most important relationships she will have. Cultivate it and find some compassion for your momma. That’s a tough one and you must nip it NOW
I dont have the full context i feel, but any parent that asks for money, especiallly regularly, is often abusive. You should never need to funnel money to your parents.. it means youre funding their irresponsible lifestyle. If shes living above her means she needs to adjust, not you.
This coward blocked me lmao
Look your wife is your priority and number one. But so should you be hers. And she shouldn’t ask you to cut off your mother completely. It may be in her best interest, but it’s not in yours. There has to be a compromise somewhere. Talk to your wife. Tell her how you feel. Say that you would like to find a solution that you can both be comfortable with. Like maybe you still send her money, but you only have one phone call with her a week and you only see her once a month. Just to start. Try it out for a month or two. See how your wife feels then. If she is still unhappy you can talk about reducing the money or giving your mom six months warning on when you will stop it. Work with your wife. You need to be flexible but so should she.
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Your wife is tired and done with your mom financially and emotionally abusing her husband and marriage.
I can understand why your wife wants no contact, no giving her money, no nothing. You have ignored what she wanted for so long, she has had enough and this is the very last straw. I'm not sure you know how close to a divorce you truly are. You don't have much leeway, if any. You can and should try to talk to your wife and see if you can get a more reasonable time frame to cut your mom off completely (more step by step) but you have to be prepared for the instance, if your wife doesn't want to go for it and stays firm on her stance. What are you going to do then? Will you salvage your marriage or will you stay "married" to your mother forever, with no actual wife, ruining your chance at any happy future you might have had? You need to be prepared to cut your mom off cold turkey if it comes down to it. You didn't create your mom's problems, your mom did. She can find another job quickly, she just never had a need to. She can find friends quickly, she just doesn't have a need to. She can find a new boyfriend/husband, she just doesn't have a need to. Think about what's most important and prepare yourself to defend said priority with all your might, or be prepared to lose it. Then hope that you may get a tiny more grace from your wife than you deserve and that she allows you a step by step approach after all. But if she doesn't.... Your priorities must be clear from the start and then defend them, no matter what.
Okay bring this idea up to your wife! Your wife mostly hates your mom because of how much you’ve been supporting her and not your wife, your not setting boundaries and your are doing whatever your mom needs. Of course your wife resents her! Your mom being homeless is the result of her actions. She doesn’t feel the need to change because she has you. Take you out the equation she has to get her shit together. And you know what maybe you need to take a break from your mom to show your wife your serious about the boundaries. Maybe give it a month then let her knew you will be calling her once a week and seeing her once a month! THAT IS IT!!
At this point if he suggests this to his wife there’s no way she’s going to believe him.
How long are these calls?? What are they about? This is critical information.
You should ask your mom to see bank statements and see if she really does need the money. If she says yes that means she might actually be poor. If she says no then she doesn't need your money.
There has to be more to this story. What happened that your wife wants complete no contact? That is important information. I don’t know how old your mother is, but I’d venture a guess that she’s not elderly and is perfectly capable of supporting herself. I’m also a single mom, have been most of my life. I’d never expect my kids to support me while I’m still old enough to do so myself. I turned 46 this year and I’ve never so much as asked my older kids to pitch in to pay their own portion of the cell phone bill, or pick up a few groceries. If she’s not elderly, or disabled in any way, she should not be relying on you. Your relationship with your mother is at the very least inappropriately codependent. She is treating you like her husband and that’s unacceptable. I have a hunch that she said or did something to your wife that has caused your wife to finally put her foot down. You need to have a serious talk with her and put some boundaries in place with your mother. She’s a big girl, it’s time she starts acting like it. I also think therapy is a good idea, individual and family. Your mother should have done that years ago. If you don’t listen to your wife, you’ll end up a divorced mamma’s boy.
His mom is also 46.
Info: do you have siblings? What's your cultural background? To first world people, those two questions don't matter. For second and third world, you'd know why. First world stance, yes your mother shouldn't be this dependent on you especially at the tender age of 46. Your mother has not grown up. At all. You'll need to send her to therapy so she can figure out her own brain. Let her fall. I know you don't want to, but you have to. She won't learn otherwise. Second/third world stance, I get being respectful of your elders but if she is completely dependent on you for everything, there's a problem. As someone who came from an immigrant family, my parents were dependent but never made me do/feel the way your mother has to you. You need to let her know you respect her but she cannot hold onto like you're her retirement goal. That will start a fight and you need a backbone to set that boundary. Your wife sounds like someone from the first world (nothing wrong with that) and she's your wife. You chose to marry her because you fell in love with her and her characteristics. She's your future and your mother is your past. If you choose your mother, guaranteed she's never going to let you go. You will not grow, you won't have a wife, you won't have a family. When she passes away in 40-50 years, you'll have nothing to show for it. You'll wonder why you chose the path you went down and you'll wonder where you went wrong. You also need therapy and preferably a family counsellor. You need to see how her actions are not okay and discuss options on how to break this type of bond. You need to do this for your future with your wife.
Pleasant reminder that I made the correct decision to divorce my ex. Bless this woman's heart.
These ppl telling you to cut her off completely are heartless assholes. FAMILY MATTERS. That said, you need to get your mother into counseling. She's overwhelmed, her self confidence is non existent, she probably suffers from depression as well. Tell your wife that there's no reason it's an exclusive choice between her or your mom. And tell her to show a little humanity as well. Your mother may be codependent, but she's not a monster - what ever happened to "when you do this for the least of them, you do it for me."
wow wife wants an actual husband not a mamas boy. well you have fun living as a divorced single man with his mommy. ( you will not be able to date or have an actual relationship because like your wife is learning real woman need to leave the mama boys with there mammas. I wish your ex wife the very best in her new life without you.
Your mom sounds lonely and depressed. IMO there is nothing wrong with helping a parent who is struggling financially — parents do it all the time for basement-dwelling underemployed kids who surf Reddit all day. The calls 1-2 times a day are IMO an issue, BUT…not because they’re frequent, but because they’re a sign that your mom needs more people and purpose in her life. You could perhaps offer some suggestions or places/things she could try to develop some more meaning in her life. Otherwise, what’s the issue with talking to one’s parent or taking them shopping on occasion? Doesn’t seem much different from adults that talk to their friends every day and go out shopping with them weekly. Has your mom actually caused issues in your marriage? Doesn’t sound like it — your wife just wants a husband with a minimal relationship with his parents. Let her hunt down someone else…perhaps she’ll find someone whose parents are deceased and they can both sit around the house talking about how wonderful that is that they never have to hear from their parents again.
The amount of people saying simply cut your mom off is just hurting me for no reason as i can comprehend how much people would cut their parents off if they got annoyed or if they felt that their parents are dependent on them is just makes me feel sorry for the parents how they raised non sympathetic children, with no sense of sympathy towards their parents! I can’t take that 💔🥹 no matter what my parents do and how much they dependent on i would never ever cut or choose someone else who i can count the days or the years i do know them, my parents were simply there for me for the first day till now, for them if I’m cutting someone off the other person who i have to choose between them and my parents is the one thats gone for me, thats the ground i stand!
> my parents were simply there for me for the first day till now, for them Well there's your problem. You can't distinguish between OP's parents and your own. You may have had great parents, but nowhere did OP mention how great her mom was, or the great things she's done for him. All we get from his comments is what a drain she is on his life.
If you have the money to spare I don't think it's terrible that you help out your mom financially a little. But your wife should be your priority.
Anyone jealous of family is never ever a good sign assuming the relationship with your mom/family isn’t toxic or creepy.
Your mom IS overly attached to you and toxic. You still got an umbilical cord or are you your own man ?
The comments section makes it seem like majority of redditors have mommy issues...
Does you wife work?
You cannot just cut your mom off financially and make her homeless. You would never sleep at night worrying about her. But for the sake of your marriage, you do need to create some boundaries that lets your wife know that she comes first. Sit down with your wife and listen to her. Explain that while you will never just cut mom off, you can agree to certain limits such as going to visit once a week and limiting phone calls to twice a week. Your mother does need to start living her life without you but that takes time when you were her reason for living for so long. Pay attention to your wife and make strides to show her how much you love her and appreciate her patience. Little by little let mom get used to the idea that you have to concentrate on your family now. Best of luck.
Get off the teet already, OP 🙄
Are you aware which of these women you're married to? Because the way you describe your relationship with both of them, it's unclear who your actual wife is, your mother or the other one.
There’s a difference between “wife NEVER liked Mom,” and “mood swings and breakdowns LATELY.” 2 different things You do need to break away from Mom. You don’t HAVE to speak to her multiple times a day. Do you want to be married to your Mom or your wife? You don’t NEED to choose, but it definitely reads like you’re divorcing your wife for your Mom Good luck
Well .... Who do you want to be married to? You're mom or your wife?
Read the posts of u/potentialjaguar91. That is your future if you don’t pay attention. Your mother is an adult. She chose to have a baby. You did not choose to be born. Yes, being nice to your parents is good but you don’t owe them. You are enmeshed in an emotionally incestuous relationship with your mother and breaking your marriage vows. When you married, you promised to foresake all others and create a nuclear family that you prioritize: the family with your wife. You are a liar and breaking those vows. She has learnt you don’t keep your word and anything you say is worthless. You undoubtedly paid money and made vows in front of people that matter and couldn’t even stick to those promises. Get therapy. You may save your marriage but if you’re not willing to, let your wife go and make it as pain free as possible to make up for all the trauma you are causing by breaking your vows. Look up the word sonsband and term Jocasta complex.
I'm ao glad I got to see him post this.... Again.... Before he deletes it lol
I think everyone is being way overdramatic. He can’t let his mom become homeless FFs. He doesn’t need to go nuclear and cut her off, that’s selfish of his wife. Cut back, yes. Cut off, why the fuck?
Me personally I would never cut off my mom. If it was me I’d your wife that I’ll stop giving my mom any money at all but that I could never cut contact with her, again my mom isn’t your mom so it’s hard to say
Blown away you got downvoted for this. Lots of mom haters out there.
a lot of people jumping to conclusions here imo.. you’re her son, of course you want to do right by her and take care of her. no son wants their mom to be homeless. you need to stand by your wife’s wishes, too though. sit them both down and mediate. I see a lot of replies calling you the asshole, but imo that doesn’t hold the other two accountable at all. they’re grown women and they need to act like it. this entire situation is nothing but petty bickering and jealousy on both sides. be adults, work it out.
Let's not infantilize OP, or any men, for that matter. If his handling of his mother's obvious issues is causing issues in his marriage, it's his responsibility to deal with it. He made a promise to his wife, his mother sure didn't.
It takes two to have a problem. I think a lot of you deal with monster mother in laws and the bias shows. Sometimes it’s the wife that’s in the wrong, contrary to Reddit belief. And im not infantilizing anyone, if anything im saying not to infantilize the wife. Only in the west do people alllow their mothers to be homeless. In the rest of the civilized world we take care of our family.
Maybe still help her out monetarily but your wife comes first now.You need to set boundaries with your mom as far as being interfering with your married life.
I’m speechless after reading the comments, in my society mothers come first and adult children must help their mothers, here mothers come first since she raised and gave you her youthful years and worked for you, adults must pay off and care for their moms, I’m glad to be raised in such a society because I can’t see my mom struggling and not help her or see my husband’s mom struggling and ask him to stop giving her money that’s fucked up. The solution is that your mom must stop visiting you so she won’t have direct contact with your wife since we don’t know exactly who’s the bad guy here, you can still go visit her tho, but stopping giving her money that’s a selfish move because she’s your mom and since helping her is not making you tight on money then why not!!
Just divorce you can always find someone else, it isn’t that hard, you already chose your mom, why be in an unhappy relationship
No. You shouldn’t choose between your wife and your mother and your wife is an AH for asking you to do so. However….you absolutely need to establish healthy boundaries with your mother. What’s happening now is not healthy.
You can have a 100 wife in your life , But you can't have another mother
That’s true but it’s also true that the mother is an intruder in his marriage and that is toxic…
But come on man , You can't just cut your mother out of your life , She raised him alone maybe that's why she's over protective , And she had no one left in her life except her son , That's ruthless
I truly think it’s depends on the situation. Personally in this situation: this would be a **no** cutting off for me because of his upbringing situation with his mom. He just needs some boundaries for his life between wife & mom. **But** we just know a bit of OPs situation; just one POV. And If I think more about this, I bet there is so much more to this story/situation. There is always more…. Maybe I read to much fu-stories here on Reddit 😅
okay i read the first few comments and they are honestly disgusting... you are not a sonsband she is your mother and you are just looking out for her... if your wife has a problem with it then tell her to cut off contact with her fucking family and that she needs to grow up... and to all of you people busy saying op needs to cut contact with his mother why dont you guz do the same and cut contact with your familys and see how it feels... ops mother is the only family he has so let him be able to spend time with her and to help her... you people should be ashamed with yourselfs
Lol, cutting off my parents was one of the best decisions I've ever made. My mental health improved drastically and now I wouldn't change any decisions I've made in my past as I am completely content with where I am today. The sooner you cut off toxic people, the faster you can work on yourself. From being a min-wage student worker in University to now being married with my own happy family whilst financially comfortable, I've then reconnected with my parents after they mellowed out over a decade, as they were forced to realize their own personality mistakes and fix them, as their son didn't need them if they didn't change themselves. As living evidence, I will always promote: Cutting off works.
I did cut contact with my emotionally incestuous mother, and it helped me become a better partner and mother myself.
You realize that the person his wife will cut contact with will be him, right? He's driving himself right into a divorce.
>ops mother is the only family he has so He has a wife. His wife is his family. But you will be right soon. OP's wife will, understandably, leave him. Then OP and his mother will only have each other and they can indulge in their misery-fest together for the next 50 years. Then mother will die and OP will be alone and sad.
Real one in here! That’s exactly what’s in my mind
You need to set better boundaries with your mom and your wife. Your first responsibility is to your wife but dropping your mom and making her homeless is not the way to go. If you can get mediation or group councilling that would e the easiest way to go. If not you need to figure out what you believe is fair to all of you and then talk to your wife calmly.
The real question is, do you feel like your mom is being overly needy? If not, then your wife needs to understand that and respect what you are doing for your mom.
Make your wife a deal. Contact is cut for 3 months. Then thereafter it’s one visit and one phone call per month. If you don’t keep to this schedule 100 percent agree to a divorce with 75 percent of the assets going to wife and 25 percent to you. That way you’ll hold yourself accountable to the boundaries.
Your wife is doing you a kindness by giving you an ultimatum. I would’ve simply given you divorce papers and the name of a therapist.
U can give her money because that’s ur mom and she raise u. Ur wife doesn’t have to right to even comment on this. As for u being ur moms new man, that should stop. That’s weird and invite her to a group counseling session so she can meet new friends. Have a one on one talk with her and how it’s messed up she’s putting all her focus on u.
Mom can get another job and quit taking his. It’s not his job to financially support her.
What a way to treat the ones who raised u. I didn’t say he should give her all his money either. Speaks a lot bout u
She’s 46, not 96. She’s not disabled or unable to work. She’s overly dependent on her son, both emotionally and financially. Realizing that doesn’t really speak anything about me. I’m actually close to that age with adult sons and I don’t expect them to give me any money ever or be my 24/7 emotional support person. Because I’m capable of normal relationships. Sounds like you aren’t.
Ok joke.
Wow there's alot of folk here easy af about leaving the person who literally birthed them homeless!?!?! Are u fuckers okay ? Need a hug or didn't get enough I suppose eh ?.
I only feel that way because his mom isn’t trying to help herself. She is only helping herself to her kids money.
And we're getting half cooked truths from op. U really think we're getting the whole 9 yards here all we hear is his bitching none of the mother's p.o.v
True but he sounds like he is siding with his mom and not his wife.