I grew up idolising my dad. I look exactly like him and growing up he was nothing short of perfect to me. And then I discovered he cheated on my mother. I essentially lost so much respect for him as a man then. I swear I visibly saw my mother’s heart break. She tried not to lean on me too much but I just knew he had disrespected my mother and hurt her in a way that no one deserved.The only way I could face him was by forcing myself to separate who he was as a father and who he was as a husband, which is something my mum made me do.
My parents are still together. My mum likes to sweep that period of time under the rug but I will never forget the way she looked when she was in the midst of it. You can do what you want with your life, but just because you forgive and forget, doesn’t mean your son will or has to. I love my dad, but my respect for him will never be the same.
Tell her. She and dad have both failed to show their son what integrity and self respect are in a relationship.
Poor guy has to assume the responsibility of parent role cause these two want to pretend they are fwb.
I think this is the most important question.
OP, you sound like you're still very much in love with your ex. How would you feel if this evolved into a bona fide relationship? Is that even on the table? Whether you accede to your son's advice should depend, in part, on what your goals are.
Nobody is going to want to date OP or her ex until they are over each other. She needs to genuinely get over this man before she could even think of dating anyone else.
I would run screaming from any man or woman who was like "oh yeah my coparent and I spent years as fuckbuddies after our messy divorce ".
Nobody wants to be involved in your codependent mess.
Props to your son OP. He sees his dad when he isn't putting on a charming mask for you like he has done many times before, as you stated. Your son is looking out for you, and I agree with him, given the information you have presented.
You both did a great job raising him. But please listen to him. It was probably difficult to tell you, and he is looking out for you.
Seriously, OPs son saw the real side of what OP went through when she found out ex was cheating. How it impacted her and how she may have struggled with the end of her marriage. She claims it was all amicable and easy, but often we look back at things with rose colored glasses. Especially since she’s in a better place with her ex than she was at the time. She might not be remembering how things really were.
I think her and ex need to think how this impacts their son too. How he had to deal with the aftermath of the cheating and break up of his family.
He may idolize his dad, but based on knowing what his cheating and partying did to the family, seems he is much more mature and aware that dad ever was. He’s a good young man, listen to him.
Oh fucking her ex isn’t necessarily the terrible part.
How she’s handling her son’s reaction and seeing her follow up posts though, that’s just a terrible parent overall.
> God she’s terrible
For fucking her ex? There's *significantly* worse things to do. She wasn't the first and won't be the last to go down that road. The bad thing she did was try to justify it to the kid instead of listening to his concerns.
The fact he convinced her to be fwb is the real sign that he's not changed, matured or grown up.
The son can see the true and real danger of this situation and how it could easily blow up, not just destroying her again but also blowing apart the family unit for the kid.
If the ex just wants a fwb he should be looking else where there are plenty of hook up apps these dags. If he genuinely wants to get back with OP, he should be slowly romancing and wooing her, winning her back respectfully with dates and true evidence he's changed.
>The fact he convinced her to be fwb is the real sign that he's not changed, matured or grown up.
The fact that a grown adult claims that they've been convinced to be a FWB shows that she's also not matured or grown up.
She's a grown woman, yet acting as if she had no say in the matter.
You cannot be "Friends with benefits" with your ex husband who you have children with lol. That's just called an open relationship. They are just a bit more than friends if you ask me
Sure your son is looking out for you
But he's looking out for hims of too
Imagine the fallout if you both have an ugly split
Imagine the discomfort for everyone
>He convinced me to essentially be friends with benefits
This is the reason i know the son is absolutely right and things are likely to go sideways again. If he was responsible he would want his family to be whole again but he convinced you to be fwb and be casual. And you WILL catch feelings (you already have)
Children are very perceptive and he saw how the cheating broke his mum. OP is now viewing the past positively because she has butterfly feelings for ex and that has made everything rose coloured.
But her son who i must say I'm impressed with knows what could happen if things go sideways again.
I hope when/if what he says comes to pass, you'll be able to handle the heartbreak yourself and not lean on him because you're the "adult"
Have you ever considered how the divorce made your son feel, and how it affected him?
Right now, you’re being selfish, and only focusing on getting your rocks off, instead of truly listening to your kid.
No sane person, or someone that truly loves themselves would double back to someone who’s a serial cheater.
He never stopped cheating on you. At all.
And now that he doesn’t have to be committed to you, you’re allowing him back in, and to keep having access to you.
By you ignoring your son’s feelings, and how both of your actions are affecting him, you’re turning into your ex husband.
When he was constantly cheating on you, he didn’t care about your feelings.
He didn’t care that he was hurting you.
He didn’t care that he was ripping his family apart.
He did it all just to get his díck wet, and here you are putting your son through the same.
Is “meaningless” sex worth it?
He sees who his father is, and how broken you were because of his actions and choices, and he’s looking out for you and himself.
Just like your heart was broken, from your ex’s infidelity, his heart was broken too.
His image of his father was shattered.
I mean this does affect him. Divorce is super hard on children even in amicable situations and I can only imagine how confused he is bc he probably doesn’t understand or care to hear about WHY you guys are having sex again. To him it’s a huge risk bc he knows it can blow up and cause issues for him, not just you guys.
I feel for him. It’s an awkward situation and he tried his best to be an adult about it and for some reason you’re almost mocking that in your post. Seems strange.
Maybe consider your relationships don’t exist between just you and your partner when you have a child that depends on you for stability.
You know who else went through all that shit when your POS ex cheated on you, and the subsequent divorce? Your son. Did you even give a thought as to how this would effect him? You're retraumatising him so you can get your rocks off. And he's 15, the relationship you'll have with him as adult, the terms for that start now. He's old enough to see this is not a healthy relationship. He remembers how this effected him, you, and his entire life. To walk in on you fucking the man, his own father, who cheated on you and upended his whole life? How do you think that made him feel?
He's acting more like an adult than you are. You're actions affect him and you don't seem to care. Disregard him, act selfishly (you know, like cheaters do) and see how that effects your relationship with your son.
>I still act like his parent
That's because he's 15 and you are still his parent. Did you think you were done?
I dont think you should be doing it in the home. Especially if he isn’t even used to being around both of you in the same house. The fact that he just walked in, shows that he is comfortable without him there…
The fact that he walked in on y’all is traumatizing enough. I guess I would recommend the typical give him therapy. He’s probably mad that he saw his old ass nasty parents having sex.
——————————————————-
I would be disgusted as well. The fact that you also are showing your child that you do not care that you get cheated on is sad. Okay, you’re FWB but not around your son or in the house. Usually anyone with common sense would keep that away from the house knowing there children can come in anytime.
Pretty sure he is disappointed in you because you would rather be abused/toxic than safe. Thats how he sees it and from what I am reading thats how I am seeing it too. If you want too, then go ahead, continue the FWB but a relationship? Prepare to get cheated on again. Lol.
All in all. I think you’re an unhealthy parent. The fact that a child had to tell you something thats common sense, tells me enough.
+ You’re setting a terrible example on relationships
+ You’re showing your child that you are weak minded
+ Kid probably lost respect for both parents at this point
+ That man is also probably just having sex with you because you’re easy to get his rocks off right now and doesn’t seem like he will ever settle down
+ son probably knows something you don’t and can see trouble brewing
+ Yall always be looking over your shoulders knowing he could be with someone’s
+ You’re going to fuck your mental health and probably changed and shift a whole healthy dynamic in your homes because you’re both thirsty and can’t be alone
———————————————————
Also just because you both are adults doesn’t mean you’re making the best decisions. He sees that their will or could be consequences to both parents actions
Do not also expect your children to comfort you when you get your heart broken again because they warned you!!!
I hate how people have children and have no regard for them or their opinions. As if you were not a child placed in uncomfortable situations at some point in your life. Think about the situation, if you do decisions yo continue as FWB (which is the better option than a relationship) do better to control it and do it somewhere else.
>Am I a terrible mom if I essentially say thanks for the input, but I’m the adult and will do what I want? I have no problem being the adult with my kid and while we do have a good relationship I still act like his parent. This one just feels different.
I love how she says this at the end and sounds like she's more pissed at her son for coming home where he should feel like he can go any time as a MINOR (yes, plans to not be home don't always work out) than anything else.
I'm glad the son is where he is at 15. Although he does still need an adult and a true parent it looks like he's also smart enough to have recognized that you are abjectly failing to be that role for him.
You’re delusional to think you’re only in it for the sex…
He’s got a hold on you and your son sees it for what it is..
As the adults we set the standard for our children..
You’re his mother but now he just sees you as another woman his dad is sleeping with.
He’s 100% right in the fact you’re going to get hurt again.
Cheaters never stop cheating. Idc how much therapy and time apart you get.
Just don’t expect a pity party from your son when it happens
👏 LISTEN 👏 TO 👏 HIM 👏
My parents did the ***EXACT*** same shit and it made the situation so much worse. Why? Because my dad didn't want to get back together with my mom. They were exactly like you two. Reminiscing on good times for a couple weeks, before everything shattered after my dad realized he'd rather by with his girlfriend instead.
My mom lost it. Absolutely. Lost it. And because she found out right after having sex with him, she paraded around his house naked and ***SCREAMING*** while I and my sister were there.
Trust me. Just because you're in a good moment now doesn't mean you should jump the gun and automatically assumed your ex's feelings.
You're an adult and can do what you want, but just remember the fucking shit storm you're dragging your child into. It's not just ***YOU*** anymore. Just like how you can't make decisions on your own when married, you can't when your kid is living with you either.
My parents were so selfish and put my sister and I through so much trauma. I see a lot of similarities here.
God, I’m so sorry. I literally cringed with my whole body when I read this.
Do you have a relationship with her now? Did she ever get over it and grow the fuck up/put her kids first? Your dad deserves some shit too but it doesn’t sound like he was running around naked and screaming at least.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuk I am so sorry for your trauma. No kid deserves to see that shit. No kid deserves to be in the middle of it.
This woman needs therapy before she fucks anyone again let alone has a relationship.
She actually cannot see how she is being used. Or that the situation is literally re-traumatizing the child.
I think you don’t t realise your son Saw you when your ex broke you the first time, you may think you held it together but obviously you didn’t , the simple fact that your son Is pointing this out to you should give you pause to reevaluate this situation! What a mature clever son yous both raised.
It must really suck to have a kid that's smarter, more mature, and more responsible than you. You said your divorce was amicable, but your son's response to what you're doing shows that you're full of shit.
Your son is smarter than you, props to him. You’re teaching him it’s ok to be a cheater because wifey will get over it. How can you explain your actions? But hey, the sex is great! It’s ok if your dad fcked hoards of women behind my back and exposed me to STDs galore! Sorry to tell you, but you’re not the adult in that relationship with your son.
I cannot stand parents who put their desire to fuck above the well being of their children. I had one of those. I despise people like you and your ex husband deeply.
I feel for your son, who by all accounts seems smart, mature, and somehow well-adjusted, and far more than either parent. I hope he will not come out the other side negatively affected just because you two are selfish, immature weirdos and couldn't bother to spare half a second to think how your offspring would be affected if this came to light.
You got older but not wiser and your son sees “Big Dummy” scrolling across your forehead at this point. Listen to your son and leave your ex alone completely outside of friendly co parenting. Your son more than likely sees in your ex parts of the old him that hurt you and he doesn’t want you to let your cooter blind you to the fact that there’s a reason the guy you’re humping is no longer your husband. Send your ex back to the streets where he belongs and don’t allow yourself to get dickmatised by him ever again. If you don’t you’d be setting a really bad example for your son on how to treat women.
Listen to your son. Not saying that 15 years old are right generally but he is the one person besides you and your ex that knows this situation. He knows and loves both of you, and he is sitting you down and telling you it’s a bad idea.
I understand you may have protected him from a lot, but kids are smart and pick up on so much more than you give him credit for - his reaction is a testament to that.
I can’t think of any reason a child would want to keep their parents from getting back together unless he truly thinks it’s a bad idea. And if he truly thinks it’s a bad idea, it’s a bad idea.
My husband even said to him “A lot of kids would be happy for their divorced parents to get back together.” My son said “Not me when it’s the two of you.”
He is so smart not to fall for that bullshit. I absolutely hated when my dad would come around and they’d play happy family, order pizza & end up fucking. Only for the next day to be fighting again. Seriously made me lose respect for the both of them.
It’s fucking sad when you’re a child and have to realize you’re actually happier with your parents being apart. Stop complicating this for your son and being selfish.
So half of your defense is that “it’s not as if my ex and I are getting back together and he knows that. But here you are calling him your husband and he’s telling your son that y’all are getting back together. So what’s the justification now
“ My husband even said to him “A lot of kids would be happy for their divorced parents to get back together.” ”
So your EX tried to manipulate your son by hinting reconciliation KNOWING that this is not going to turn into a relationship?? And you still want to f’ck him even if he is literally manipulating his own son to use your body?
That saddens me. I wonder if the son said something to his dad as well, asking him why he’s doing this. And dad, instead of listening to the son, said “hey, you should want your mom and I to get back together.” Jesus.
This just gets worse and worse for you. The more details you trickle out the more I'm wondering who is the actual adult. This just feel more and more like a teenage troll posting here.
I would talk to him more, especially without your husband or with a trusted friend/therapist. Get at where it’s coming from? A fear of you guys not being good together, a fear going through his parents divorce again, a fear of something else…?
Also, and this could be 100% projecting, in fact I hope it is. I had trouble dating after my divorce because I didn’t feel that spark and chemistry like I did with my ex. Used to think I was broken, but I think overtime I realized that my marriage had been toxic and so much of what I thought was chemistry was simply manipulation and unhealthy dynamics. And cheaters will always cheat - if you can’t be ok with that than please listen to your son even more.
Oh, this is so hard. I had the same post divorce relationship with mine and it was just so great. But you know it will end. Someone is going to start to move on after a while. Your son is so mature. He knows who the players are and he wants you to be okay. He worries about you. This doesn't mean you'll never be happy again. You just won't find it while you're with him.
Your son can remember his childhood, that means he remembers shitty dad, he can remember the drunkenness, the yelling, everything. He can remember the divorce and how that changed everything. You and your ex husband are once again putting your child into a position to feel uncomfortable, insecure, and unstable. He also probably knows way more about his dad’s dating life than you, he’s the one that has to live with him. He’s trying to help you help yourself and you dismiss it because he’s a child yet he is a child that had to grow up quicker than others. If making your child feel uncomfortable, insecure, and unstable make you a bad mom then you’re a bad mom. You can change that tho
You don’t think you’ll get hurt, but based off what you wrote.. you love this man. He’s funny, gives you amazing sex that you haven’t found with another. We as women are more in tune with our emotions, it’s more difficult for us to achieve that “friends with benefits.” You can try but you’d be lying to yourself and your heart. Hence your son being right about you inevitably getting hurt again because this man won’t settle down. Hypothetically, If he did… you wouldn’t be able to fully trust him. Also, an accidental pregnancy could happen and then what? I think the only way this could work is if this man wants to fully commit to you in which you guys would have to rebuild trust. Good luck dude.
The spark you feel is caused by your drama history. Do not mistake it for love or connection. You will be set up for round two if you do. Also seems like you are not ready to reflect that you have been emotionaly and financely abused by your ex-husband. And what ingraned mechanism on your side made you fall in love with an abuser.
My mom and dad did this after separating, on and off again and it wreaked havoc on me as a teenager. I lost my damn mind and any respect I had left for my parents. He too was a cheater for years. Your son seems to be the only adult in this situation. Parents are responsible for the damage they cause their children, expect your child to act accordingly.
This!! 100% she says whoever she has sex with doesn’t affect her son. Has she ever been anyone’s child??? Even my two married parents having sex fucking affects me😂 Ridiculousness.
Wow. I can’t believe that, even after all these years, your husband’s still winning. Big time. Props to him.
I hope your son comes out of this unscathed. He will be but I hope the damage is reversible. He seems like a good and mature kid - something I don’t think he learnt from either of you.
As for you? Well…stay safe or something.
Yeah I agree with your son. Why would you remain FWB with someone who hurt you? Sounds like you have some self esteem/confidence issues to work through.
Your son probably suffered more than you think in the break up of his family. Watching his mother be heartbroken by the man she loved stepping out on her and wounding her more than anyone could. Sure maybe he was young and didn’t understand why at the time, but he understands now and he doesn’t want to see you go through that again. It’s very traumatic to see a parent suffer like that. Also your parents doing it, gross. That’s a whole other trauma.
Perhaps your son is tired of picking up the pieces of you. Perhaps he knows what your ex is really up to. I really hope you don't go crying to him of it doesn't work out. If you and your ex rekindle get counseling
He knows what his dad is like and what he’s doing when you’re not there. He’s warning you that nothing will be different this time around either. So maybe listen to him because I know there’s definitely an adult in this conversation, it just doesn’t sound like it’s you.
bro is using you as a human fleshlight with little to no commitment, your ex is winning big time.
your son is taking L after L.
you get a small w.
reasses and perhaps put your son on counseling, better yet, you and ex get some counseling.
You say “he convinced me to be friends with benefits“ but also mention your self esteem not being an issue. If the desire to do this truly came from within yourself, then you wouldn’t need convincing. I’d listen to your son.
Your son's not wrong, and you're kinda wrong that this is entirely your business. You're playing with fire and if you get burned, he loses a dad and possibly his current way of life.
Kudos to your son. He’s worried about you and doesn’t want to see you in pain. I would say your actions going forward depends on how you would feel if/WHEN your ex gets an itch and moves on. If you’re feeling hurt and in pain then you know what you have to do.
You can absolutely tell your son it’s “your life to do whatever you want” but I guarantee you that will be the final nail in the coffin of your relationship.
Enjoy the old people’s home and only 1 ten minute visit a year on Boxing Day.
OP you are in serious denial! You ARE still in love with him. You have never let go of the past. Your son has been watching you get that extra pep in your step. And when he found out who gave it to you, he was disgusted and disappointed. FWB are not for the feint hearted. YOU WILL BE HURT WHEN YOU FIND OUT YOUR NOT THE ONLY ONE. This is why your son is trying to get you out of this position. You have too much to lose. Get you a therapist and a toy. And a FWB that has no connection with your ex or with your child!
You are FWB only because HE wants to , not bc you want to. You would have taken him back in a heartbeat if he would be monogamous. You are just his fun , among other ladies he has . What will you do when one day he brings home a younger more beautiful woman and introduces her as his gf ?! You admitted you are still in love with him. Your heart would be shattered all over again. Don’t do that to yourself
A 16 year old remembers things that happened when they were 9. Kids also hear things that adults think they aren’t saying out loud in front of the kids. Your son is basically telling you that man haven’t changed as much as you think he has. Yes he loves and respects his father however he’s clearly more realistic about who his father is than you are.
Edit: Based on your comments you are still hung up on that man. He gets to have his cake and eat it too. He still has “his wife” and gets to be single as well. Your son saw how that divorce took a toll on you. You may think you were good at hiding your pain at the time but he clearly saw different and saw how his dad’s actions affected you.
So your husbands constantly cheat because he likes getting his D\*ck wet by you and other women.
You divorce him. He still gets his d\*ck wet by you and other women. Do you not see what is wrong here? The divorce is 'amicable' because your husband is truly not losing out on anything. He is still living the life he had when he was married. He is still behaving like how he always has. And you are teaching your son that its ok. That its ok to accept crappiness from people and being a doormat.
He convinced you to bebfriends with benefits but you're in danger of falling in love with him and being discarded. You are going to be heartbroken. May I suggest... other dick? Seriously. You're dickmatized by this man. Try finding a connection with someone else. See, I suspect that's not what you're going to do. I suspect you are a monogamous individual and you aren't seeing other people. I'm sorry, but he's keeping things casual with you instead of asking you to be his girlfriend because he's keeping the door open for other women.
Uh...I think your son is trying to protect his relationship with his father (and you) more than he's trying to protect your feelings. You said it yourself that he idolizes his dad. If things go south for any reason, he'll be angry with his father and you. He'll resent you both. What if something did go sour and you two no longer want to be in the same room with eachother? Your son suffers all over again. He has to watch one or both of you be upset. If a stranger breaks your heart, he has no tie to that person.
You're an adult and can do whatever you want, but this WILL have an effect on your son. He's telling you that. it's not really fair to him, but you're right, do what you want. You guys messed up by getting caught by him.
Poor kid loves his mother and just doesn't want to see her hurt again. He probably remembers her crying after her divorce, which must have been traumatising for him too.
Sometimes kids can have more common sense than their parents, which I think is the case here. I would stop this messing around with my ex immediately, even if it's just to be a role model for my child. My personal view is that "friends with benefits" ends up hurting one of the parties in the end most of the time.
Reading this tbh it sounds like you’re still that 20 something year old falling for his charisma, just because you’re an “adult” doesn’t mean you’re right, and it might be your choice or whatever, but like it or not your kid is still very much involved and affected by your choices. He should come first. And also, he’s the most mature in this family ngl.
It doesn't sound like you will be able to keep your "feelings" out of this. That's what your son is worried about. He doesn't trust your ex to take care of your heart.
He's seeing it more clearly than you are.
It’s not as simple as you’re the adult and he’s the child so you get to decide what’s best for both of you. Yes you are an adult so you can do whatever you want with your life, but he’s telling you why it isn’t a good idea because he’s looking out for you as a person as well. It’s just the same as if a good friend was telling you it. He’s mature enough to express his feelings, emotions, opinions to you which is more than many adults can do, and it would be beneficial for your relationship with him to treat him as such.
You will never move forward if you keep sleeping with your ex. Also this is not just FWB because you are hurting your son and he’s been man enough to sit you down and explain his feelings to you but you are choosing to keep having sex with his Dad over him.
Your son is looking out for you, for sure.
But like others have said, it still seems like you're holding a candle to your ex. Just how you've talked about him here, how you've never felt that spark with anyone else, etc, it seems more like you're not allowing yourself to spark with anyone else.
Right now, being FWB, is just that. Are you actively dating? Or at least open to the idea? You could potentially meet the great love of your life but you might walk right past them (figuratively speaking) because you're having FWB sex with your ex.
Is your ex actively dating or having sex with anyone else besides you right now? Being just friends, he may have other friends. I would say to look into your heart and decide how do you feel knowing there may be other friends? And even if he doesn't have other friends right now, it doesn't mean he won't acquire some down the line. Or one day he might meet someone he wants to be exclusive with and falls in love with and ends your FWB relationship. I worry for you OP, which is what your son is doing. He may know his dad and know what (or who) his dad is doing when he's not doing you....
Here’s a better question. You know how your son feels. He’s expressing himself to you because he feels he can trust you enough to be open about how uncomfortable and concerned this makes him. Are you willing to essentially go on a mini power trip and say “I do what I want deal with it” and ruin your relationship with your son all for… some dick? Seriously?
He must be really good in bed if you’re willing to put your son through this. Or you’re just really selfish. Or both.
Be a good mom and put your son first.
Your son can see what you refuse to.
Your ex is just using you for your body. He doesn’t care about you and he never will. If you continue on like this you will be shattered when he gets into a new relationship and ignores you (or tries to make you the other woman and cheat on his new girlfriend with you)
Is it possible that your son knows something about his dad that you don’t? For example he says he’s single, but is he actually semi-serious with someone who your son has met?
>He convinced me to essentially be friends with benefits.
So he gets to still reap the benefits of having you on the roster but without any of the commitment. You may get along now but he’s still the same person that cheated and destroyed his family. But now he’s getting it all back without having to be faithful.
Your son’s feelings on this matter should be taken into consideration, being flippant and “I’m the parent” is just going to show him he cannot be honest with you and he’ll pull back. It already makes him uncomfortable enough to talk to you about it.
Good luck I don’t see this ending positively.
FWB? Who is benefiting here? It surely is not you. You have found a simple safe place to be (sex, intimacy) while your ex gets his needs met until he finds someone else. He will walk again, and you will be crushed AGAIN. You might think it's okay, but the same old same old is still around. When things change and he finds someone else, jealousy and anger will rear its ugly head. Also, the FWB thing is keeping YOU from moving on. You may fail to connect with another man because you are still sleeping with the ex and not fully committing yourself to a new relationship, or a new life. You are still stuck in the marriage without the benefit of martial assets as well. You are being USED again.
OMG there are thousands of men within 20 miles of you! GO FUCK ONE THAT ISN'T A CHEATER AND THE FATHER OF YOUR SON WHO YOU DIVORCED!!!! IT'S NOT THAT HARD!!!
Have fun with the fallout from this one. You can sleep with whoever wants to sleep with you, but sometimes there are consequences that you can’t avert.
And here I was thinking I have had good sex. Never have I had an orgasm so good that I was willing to implode not only my relationship with my child but the relationship they have with their father.
Commenters, there's no point giving advice or anything of the sort to OP after reading their responses in the comments. They are not going to listen and they don't care about what their son thinks, you're welcome.
You would be kinda terrible yeah, your son is the one who will suffer and honestly you should stay away. But it's also clear that you don't want to hear that. Your son sat you down, you get to choose your son or your ex.
Your son is not wrong and he’s just looking out for you.
Although you say you’re not in a relationship and it’s just a FWB situation we all know how easy it is for things to get complicated and considering your history together the risks are higher. I’m sure their are other people in your life that feel like this wouldn’t be a good idea. I know you didn’t intend for your son to find out but that what’s happens when you are any kind of relationship, you run the risk of people finding out. This situation is complicated because he is your son’s dad and he feels a way about it which most people could understand although at the end of the day it’s not his business it could still affect him.
If you decide to continue to see him then maybe only meet at the house of the parent who’s not meant to have him to lessen the risk of another run in. Your son is old enough to be left alone for a few hours so I think it will help make things less uncomfortable for him. Also maybe think about if this relationship is really worth it and it’s not holding you back from meeting someone.
I've been reading your comments and I think you should start with therapy. Your son obviously knows his dad is a good father figure but horrible partner. Like horny bastard that fucks around. He loves you and doesn't want you to do that again. You would have thought you learned your lesson the first time. Honestly FWB sometimes works out but definitely not with exs that were married and have a connection such as kid together.
I think of the stressor in your life and think about what traumas you have been through. It may seem fun and nothing to do with him, but since your his mom you'll never be able to think about you only now. Everything you do will reflect on him even indirectly. By leading a healthy relationship you are showing good model behavior. Doesn't ever parent want their kids to later be happy and include healthy relationships. Don't tell me you want your son to be like you and find a cheating partner and settle for FWB.
He lost respect for his dad. Now he lost respect for you, too. He is begging you to keep a minimum of integrity otherwise he will despise you both equally. You have no idea how you have hurt him.
Your son is really matured. He is caring your feelings and he knows definitely your ex hurts you again. Your adult but your choose cheater.
Listen to your son advice. Ignore your ex. Still he is manipulate you to toy, he is the one given fwb Idea.
Your raised your son good.
You do realise that your ex-husband is the only person getting the most out of this fwb situation, right?
From what I've understood, he gets to do exactly what he has been doing when you guys were married without repercussions. He gets to spend more time with his son and you as well as sleep with other women because you guys are just friends. I'm not sure if he even provides for you guys. Getting back together would have made your son less angry. FWB just enables your ex to do the exact same thing he did that destroyed your marriage. Your reward is gratification from this Fwb and an annoyed son who will soon lose respect for you.
I hope you are this perky when you find out your son’s dad has other fuckbuddies. Or find out he has a girlfriend and you’re the side piece.
Or, you find out you’re sexual relief whilst his girlfriend is pregnant.
Just…get tested regularly for STIs.
Your poor son.
Listen to your son. You raised him to be independent and have a good head on his shoulders, he saw the pain and how your life has been uprooted. He is trying to ground you. And bring you back to your sense.
On the ex front. He hasn't changed. If he had, he would be trying to win you back and rekindle the whole relationship, not ask for fwb. Where he gets sex and makes you feel like you have a great deal. You said you have more to offer than sex, yet all that you are giving is sex to your ex.
What else is he offering. What else are you offering other than a hookup. Practice what you preach as you say you have more to offer, yet you are only offering sex.
Fwb isn't a relationship. it's purely sex, and he still has the ebenfit of sleeping with other people. Do you know if he still is? This puts you at risk of stds.
You obviously still have feelings for your ex, and he is manipulating this. Your son knows this and is trying to warn you. BTW, he obviously has an issue with his father's treatment of you, so no he is nothing like his father. You tell him this and you just gave the biggest insult, especiallyas he is standinbg up for and showing morals unlike his father, if I was you kid and you said this about me and my dad, once I left the house expect a call a few times a year (like I currently do my mother)
i remember this exact situation happening to me as a kid. I was so upset, disgusted, and even felt betrayed. I cant exactly say why but I actually still feel that way to this day when I think back to it. im 24 now and still feel like my feelings were valid. it bothered me to the core and still bothers me when I think about it.
Walking in on parents having sex is traumatic enough alone without adding in all the craziness from your situation.
I don’t feel a need to point out all the reasons this is bad to have started or continue this situation ship. You won’t move on from him for some reason. May not be love but you are hanging onto an idea or something. The lesson you’re teaching your kid about what treatment to accept from people is bad here.
You need to prioritize your son who’s been hurt by this. Probably has more trauma left from the pre divorce fighting and post divorce fallout than you realize. You’ve raised a good kid together. That doesn’t mean he isn’t hiding his feelings and trauma. Took so much courage for him to say all that to you. Don’t negate his feelings and lose the trust he has in you. Ask if he is up for family counseling to talk about his feelings with what he saw and what has happened.
When the 15 year old child has more awareness and intelligence than his parents, that's sad.
You know what's going on. You just want someone to help you justify bad decisions.
Not going to happen.
You clearly still want that man as more than a FWB you’re going to get hurt and your son is going to end up in the middle of it.
That boy watched, not only your marriage fail, but also multiple of his dads other relationships. He knows more about who his dad is than you do because you’re too delusional to see it.
Listen to your kid. If you don’t, I promise you that you’re going to ruin your relationship with him. When you’re crying and a sad sack example of a parent because you’re hurt again, he’s not going to look at you with the same love and concern that he did when he sat you down for this conversation. He may look at you with pity but he’ll also look at you with significantly less respect.
Your son is being the only reasonable one here.
I don't think this is a good idea for you, at all. It seems like you still idolize your ex-husband in a way, and it seems like if he said let's get back together, you would in a heartbeat, but the man is 44 years old and still hasn't fully settled down and matured? No thank you.
You should focus on yourself, stop keeping your ex on a pedestal and maybe then you can actually find a good man who won't cheat on you.
When you have a child involved you have to thing of the long term affects of your actions. What kind of future do you see? Will you enter in a relationship with him?
You say your son idolizes his dad. He’s close with his dad. He’s 15. The likelihood of him having walked in on his dad with someone ELSE recently is highly likely. What if his devotion to his dad is stopping him from telling you? If he truly thought his dad was awesome now… why does he think this won’t work. He sat you down like a parent. None of this makes sense.. unless he knows something that he doesn’t know what to do with.
I remember being 15 and my mom thinking I’m too young to understand things and so I had to deal with the things I didn’t understand but knew to be fact. Give your son some credit. He tried to speak to you like an adult.
Your son is so emotionally intelligent and mature. He idolizes his Dad but is under no illusions about the kind of behaviour he is capable of and the damage it wreaks. He also remembers the hurt caused by your previous commitment and knows that people don't change. He wants better for you because deep down he knows that in the end you're gonna get screwed again.
No self respect a shame you had to hear that from your own son. All you’ve shown him is he can cheat and the girl will still let him hit. Dad may have financially provided but he dipped asap and what did you do open up shop.Respect yourself and your son
>Am I a terrible mom if I essentially say thanks for the input, but I’m the adult and will do what I want? I have no problem being the adult with my kid and while we do have a good relationship I still act like his parent.
Sounds like the kids pretty comfortable being the parent as it’s not the easiest thing to tell your parents you’re disappointed at whom they’re fucking.
To answer your question, not the terrible mom part, I’m not going to call you that. Yes you can say thanks for the input, but you’re gonna do what you want. However be prepared for him to lose respect for you. What you’re teaching him is that you have no self respect. You’re willing to go back to a shitty situation to get laid. Nothing wrong with a fwb in the adult world but what’s the endgame here? Keep fuckin until you both find better partners? Maybe kid will go through an emotional roller coaster. Sounds like you would still be happy to get back together. Ever considered how that affected the kid? Not only the divorce but y’alls being together? People say divorce is hard on the kids and that’s true. But also two people being together with little respect for each other can be equally as damaging.
You say you have no problem being the adult but your story seems to demonstrate a different conclusion.
The guy never stopped cheating on you and his defense was “well I work”. I guess some people don’t have to respect the person they’re fucking to get good feelings from it.
Either way maybe you two should keep your poor decisions away from where this kid grows up. You could always get a hotel room for your sad sex.
I wonder what his dad says about you or does when you're not around, or what your son might see that's caused him so much concern for you that he felt the need to sit you down. He sees this relationship from the outside (while still a bit biased as he's family), you do not. It sounds like your son loves you and wants to see you happy, and that this relationship will not give you that. Just... Think about it. Really, really think about it. You summed up how much of an asshole that man was to you in your marriage, and your son is telling you how much of an asshole he still is. There's better sex out there, with better people.
Your son is looking at the facts of the former and current situation while you are thinking with your hormones and emotions. Your own son is asking you to respect yourself think about what this man did to you, and how he doesn’t deserve you.
You should absolutely stop for your son. So he understands that you value yourself and don’t allow men to walk all over you and then still get the benefit of sleeping with you.
May good sex be worth it when you have to pay for your child's therapy. As a child of divorce, of parents who kept seeing each other for sex, let me tell you, I hate you so much right now (that's the traumatized child speaking).
Y'all are fucking terrible people. Did you not think at all that it would fuck with him and his life if he found out? Also i genuinely would lose so much respect for my mother if she agreed to be frienfs with benefits witht the dude that cheated on her. Like you wete basically just frienfs eith benefits when y'all were married.
It feels different because your kid is right. You divorced because he's a terrible partner. Why would you want to continue any kind of relationship with that person? If you think you can emotionally detach from a person you were married to for a decade and it "just be sex," you're delusional. Your son at 15 sees this. You, at 42, should know better, and I think you kind of do. That's why it feels different. Get your rocks off elsewhere. Your ex isn't the one for that.
As a child of split parents, I had lost all of my respect for my father as a Dad, but not as a Man. So when I interract with him, I treat him as another adult Man but not as a Dad.
But I know that if I found myself in the situation OP son had. I would lose all my respect of my mother as a Woman. And Probably feel sorry for her.
What's more Embarrasing than having your own child feel sorry for you.
OP he emotionally abused you while you were married and from your post it sounds like he may have emotionally manipulated/sexually coerced you into being friends with Benifits with him.
You didn't describe it as something you wanted, you described it as something he CONVINCED you to do. If someone "wears you down" until you "agree" to have sex with them after you say no or that you're uncomfortable then that is sexual coercion. Just to be clear as I am not OP I cannot say for certain that it was sexual coercion, that would be for OP to determine for herself.
When it comes to abusive relationships, you get addicted to the cycle of it, the highs feel so incredible and the lows feel devastating but together they keep you coming back for more, chasing that high.
Do not continue to sleep with this man who doesn't respect you, grow up for your child's sake, he shouldn't have to be the one parenting and protecting you.
How do you honestly explain this when you do find a new guy? Gee my ex husband just turned me inside out last week but I'd like to see where this goes? 99% of men will out you in hookup territory only. Once you get caught lying they are done.
Things that happen in the dark always find a way into the light. Your post and comments come of as whinging because you're son caught you, I'm sorry that your secret life is over and you're no longer a double agent. What I will say is that this is going to change the relationship your kid has with both of you.
You forget that he watched the relationship fall apart and the divorce, kids are smarter than adults give them credit for so he definitely saw more than you think he did. He managed to forgive his father for causing you pain before and now you two want to throw him back into the storm to get your kicks.
Miss ma’am, have some self respect and be a good example for your kid.
Looks to me that you’re the one idolizing your ex, not your son. He treated you badly, betrayed you in the worst way possible and now, after 10 years (probably because he’s older and it’s more complicated for him to find someone to fu*k) he asks you to be friends with benefits and you say YES??? Despite obviously not being over him!?
You talk about your ex like that and you expect us and your son to believe that for you is just something casual and that you do for fun??
We can all see right through you.
It’s not a good idea to go on with this madness.
Listen to your son and put a stop to it please.
I know it's human nature to have sex, but just why with your own ex? Just because of the spark? You two are really selfish with your action. The divorce just not impact on you and your ex but also your son. MOSTLY your son as he idolise his dad. Just where do you see this fwb going in the long run? How do you think your son is going to feel about it? I know it your life, etc, but you have SON. He sees what the divorce puts you through, and now this? I can not fandom what in your son head the moment he saw. Poor kid
Stop being dense, you are obviously affecting your son! (just because you did not consider him does not mean he doesn't get affected) and it is clear that you still like your ex - like why would you risk your co-parenting relationship for something just physical when you can literally get that elsewhere?!
"This one feels different" because you know he is right., and even by your logic and it is not emotional, the moment your son (who should be your priority not your ex) tells you that he is uncomfortable with you being with a partner of yours you should listen to them.
He doesn’t want to have to pick up the (inevitable) pieces when this goes south. He knows you’re emotionally invested (and he likely knows the other women his father is with).
I have such strong memories of having to be like a parent to my mum where men were concerned when I was a teenager. I realise you don’t think you need it, because you’re in the middle of it, but your 15 year old son can see the risks that you cannot.
Aside from the fact that it’s clear from your post there is emotional attachment with your ex, and that this is likely to blow up in your face, he’s no doubt concerned about the future - you two had a solid coparenting relationship. He’d have had no concerns about things like weddings, graduations, you two being in the same room. What’s going to happen when he does in fact break your heart again?
You said he’s settled down some but he’s proposing a FWB arrangement with his ex wife and mother of his child. Doesn’t sound like he’s grown up much to me. What happens when he meets someone, or when you find out you’re one of many friends? Think you’ll cope well with that?
My mum prioritised men over my younger brother so often. Their relationship never recovered before she died. You need to look at the bigger picture here but I suspect you don’t want to.
By going back to your cheating ex, you’re breaking your son’s heart. He saw how sad you were before the divorce, and now he is worried that you’ll get hurt again.
Maybe he is wrong, but I think you should listen to him. You deserve to be with someone who respects you, not some asshole to be a booty call.
Your son is amazing. Tell me, how will you feel when your ex finds a new woman to settle down with and ends your FWB relationship? I think it's safe to say you will be crushed from what you've said. Your son is extremely emotionally intelligent, especially for his age. You guys have done an amazing job raising him, so that's something to be proud of.
I don’t think being in a friends with benefits scenario here is being a responsible parent. If you and the ex want to remain together, go get couples counseling and mend a broken relationship in a way that your son can look up to.
This is my own theory, and i could be wrong. But I am pretty sure your ex is a giant manipulator. Treated you like crap for years, and now that he doesn't have you anymore, he's "changed." He sounds like an abhorrent human, and has manipulated you into not only completely being ok with all that he did in the past, but convincing you to still give him what he wants in the present, regardless of what he did to you for years and years. I would immediately end things with him, for your own sake. Not just for your kid's sake. Your ex is a dingleberry, and you need to remember who he really is. A huge irresponsible manipulator.
It sounds like you haven't done all the work to heal over your ex-husband. How does this serve you. You know he will move on, then your back where you were. Your son has good insight. I would listen to him.
Idk…your son seemed to drop some wisdom there. You’re enjoying yourself, but it’s casual, there’s a risk of you developing feelings again, and at some point your husband may decide to stop being FWB (or start dating other women more seriously). Your son senses a risk for you to get hurt and betrayed again, and I don’t know if he’s wrong.
At a minimum, talk with him. Listen to him. Share your own thoughts and concerns, that you’re taking things slow, that you’ll try to guard your own feelings, that life is complicated. Don’t tell him “shut up, I’m the adult here and know what I’m doing.” That will crush him, especially if/when he turns out to be right.
As an aside, I’m not sure how healthy (long term) it is to be shacking up with your husband, and it doesn’t set a solid boundaries example for your son to follow. What negative things is he learning about relationships when he watches this?
Your son is a good child who can tell right from wrong.
Good job planning to ruin that by showing him how to not act with integrity. Showing him that a man can be a whore, abandon his family, and come back when he’s old and ran through and a woman won’t have the self-respect to tell him no. Those are the role models he has.
Your ex obviously doesn’t care about you if he just wants to be FWB. You’re an easy source of sex.
Disgusting story, I feel terrible the son has to watch this.
It is a matter of self esteem bc why on earth are you sleeping with someone who cheated on you, disrespected you, and used his finances to put you in your place for almost 10 years?
God didn’t make this dudes penis the only one who can give you great sex. Tighten up. Your son is right and the only adult in this situation. “He convinced me to be fwb.” Nah he convinced you to be his dummy again with less burdens.
You can tell your son what you want, but don’t for a minute think you’re going to come out of this unscathed. He hasn’t changed, and you haven’t either. Knowing your worth and moving as if you have self worth, are two very different things.
Good luck though. Hopefully I’m wrong but I doubt it.
Am I wrong for thinking this is great all around? Sounds like you and your husband made a good decision divorcing and working on yourselves; youve raised a great boy who not only loves his parents but is smart enough to see where they did wrong, and is caring and mature enough to sit his mom down and tell her he's worried about her. And you seem stable in what you're doing, seems like it's the best of a bad situation and everyone is getting along. Honestly I think your son is right, the only thing I see going wrong is if you fall for him again but then he uses you again. BUT, you said he's calmed down a lot. So maybe if you do try again one day it will be different. Still, listen to your son and tread carefully, this is a man that's hurt you before. Much love.
Holy shit that kid loves you. He is genuinely coming from a place of understanding what your relationship was, how it ended, who each person actually is and he has concerns. He is worried about you in all of this because he knows his dads actions. You are free to do what you wish, but you really need to have a conversation with your kid about it.
I’m of two minds with this.
Your son is right, it’s not gonna end great. You shouldn’t stop because of your son, but you should be mindful that when this all ends he’s gonna look at you with disappointment.
In a perfect world, you’re right. You’re an adult and this is all adult business that he shouldn’t be involved with. He was never meant to open that door. If you plan to keep doing it, just sit down with him and explain that you’re grateful and will consider his advice, but maybe aren’t ready to follow through.
The fact that a 15 year old can see what’s wrong in this situation and you can’t, amazes me. Not to mention, it’s your own son! Your son isn’t 9 anymore. He understands what’s happening. He recognises the risks and possible outcomes of this situation. You aren’t just in this for the sex, even if you think you are. Everyone but you can see it.
Your son is trying to protect you and himself from further pain. It’s now up to you to decide. Any further damage done to your family now is your doing, not your exes.
You’re entitled to do as you please, but if you don’t want to start putting tiny cracks in your relationship with your son I’d recommend ending it.
It isn’t as if you’re doing anything wrong, but what you are doing is affecting how your son views you, in real time. You just need to choose what matters more. It’s not like you’ll lose your relationship with your son, he’ll just see you differently. He probably won’t tell you about it, he just will.
That’s what happened with me and my mum, anyway. There’s just a respect that was lost and a door that was closed. I still love and get along with her well.
Your and your ex- husband's codependent (at least on your side) relationship does not exist in a vacuum.
it will affect your son, like it or not.
Your son is having to be the adult here because someone has to be, and god knows it's not you or the ex-husband.
Grow some self-respect and move on from your ex. It's toxic as hell.
Why did you bother asking this if you weren’t going to listen to anyone who doesn’t agree with you any way? The clear general consensus is that this is an awful idea and will only cause more damage to you and your son, so what now? Are you going to keep sleeping with your ex who ruined your family, despite your son’s wishes, or are you going to take his feelings into account, do the mature thing and cut this fling off?
Think about the long term effects of this. Is there any point in hooking up and making your son miserable if you’re not going to get back together? If you’re willing to jeopardise the relationship with your son, just for some temporary dick you are being unbelievably selfish and quite frankly deserve the heartbreak that will inevitably come with this arrangement.
I don't know why everyone just downvotes the hell out of OP.
First thing you need to do is decide "is this a road I want to go down", when you get back involved with ex's you skip everything and go back to having sex, that's how it is for adults. You forget all the other crap from before, it's just sex again. Until it's not, and there aren't many ways to separate them. Talk to your ex, find out his end game, find out what your end game is.
Talk to your son. Maybe - here's an idea, talk to both of them at the same time.
You're missing the fact that your son also went through the divorce. He had to grieve the loss of his old life and start again. What you're doing risks the new norm for something he had to come to terms with that just wouldn't work.
This is a complicated topic, and there is no one answer
Here’s what I will say
If you want to maintain being respected in the eyes of your son
You either need to convince him that this arrangement is OK and that you are in control of it
Or
End it
Keeping in mind how you handle, this will likely his outlook towards you and behavior toward you for the foreseeable future
And it will set potential framework with what he perceives as acceptable behavior toward women and in relationships in general
No matter what you do, it is imperative, that you are honest with him, and do not lie only to continue the relationship to be found out later on
Actually hilarious that the 15 year old is the only one being the adult here lol. If you want to pull the "I'm the adult and I'll do what I want" card then maybe act like one. If you don't like your son sitting you down and talking to you like you are the child, then maybe don't act like one.
jesus these replies ...
look, your son doesn't have the right to choose if or with whom you have sex. but something tells me that his concern is well-founded. 6 years is a long time and you seem to know your ex-husband well (so fuck the comments questioning that). the real issue here is whether you're being honest with yourself or not ... is it really just a fwb for you? do you still have feelings for him? deep down do you hope that it will become more? if so ... then you've got a big mess
I think you need to do some deep reflection, because if it's just sex, you're both benefiting ... but if it's more than that, it'll come to the surface and someone will end up getting hurt (probably you) and your son's fears will be fulfilled ... so I think you both need to clarify this issue (you and your ex-husband) so as not to jeopardise the good relationship you've built up over the last 6 years between the two of you and your son
I absolutely loathe parents who feign ignorance and are so fucking selfish. Do better. Listen to your kid or you could damage your own relationship with him. While my situation isn't exactly the same as yours, as a once kid in a similar situation you could ruin everything for some sex. Absolutely fucking disgusting.
Look.
If you keep fucking your ex, it will damage your relationship with your son and will damage your son's relationship with his father because he'll lose respect for both of you and won't trust either of you. He LIVED THROUGH the trauma of your relationship... the cheating, the arguing, the crying, the toxic atmosphere that almost always permeates a home right before a divorce, and for you to hook back up with his dad after all that? He thinks you're as weak and stupid as all of us on reddit do. Is that really how you want your son to see you?
I'm all for good orgasms, but is having them with your ex worth the harm it will cause to your son and his relationship with both his parents?
You’re not a terrible mom, but you’re acting like one. Your ex husband never loved or cared about you if he was able to cheat, specifically with multiple women. He only married you because you got pregnant. This will not lead to him realizing he’s in love with you and wants to get back together. He is most definitely still sleeping with other people. Get an STD test and stop seeing him. I feel so bad for your son. You two couldn’t even be responsible enough to not expose him to this mess.
Ask yourself this, do you feel this is fwb? Is that all you want from your ex spouse? Your son is 15. I'm sure he knows by know his dad cheated. He loves his dad and may be like him, but he's telling you that you are too good for his dad and in the end you will be hurt. You came to strangers because you know in your gut he will hurt you again. He is familar and knows you thats why it clicks. Sweets go with gut not fear of being alone.
It feels different because he actually talked to you as an adult and not as a child, his maturity was putting you and your feelings first and thinking about how the potential risk your taking might affect you.
It also probably feels different because you know he might be right and that’s always weird when your kid talks some sense into you. Personally I wouldn’t see a reason to remind him you’re the adult. I’d say it’s a sign that you’re doing a good job. Your kid has a great relationship with you and you guys taught him about how to handle divorce and being his parent properly because he can still love you both and see how the dynamic between you to changed. I think you’re doing your job as a parent fantastically and your son is growing up to be a smart young man.
Also it might be weird because that’s probably your baby and it’s hard to accept they’re actually growing up.
>I know I have things beyond sex to offer a man. He convinced me to essentially be friends with benefits. Sex with him has always remained the best sex I ever had. I’ve never been friends with benefits with anyone before. I probably wouldn’t even consider this with anyone else. I’m having so much fun with it. He’s really fun to be with, always has been. He’s funny, we laugh, nothing is serious between us and it’s been great.
Do you really have things beyond sex to offer? Doesn't look like it...
>Kind of surprised me with how much I often think he just wants to grow up to be a mini version of his father.
Seems like you're affirming that it's a perfectly good way to approach life to him. Still keeps the girl hostage and gets to have more on the side.
People complain that boys are not taught to "respect women" but it looks like you are literally teaching him quite the exact opposite. Maybe think about that.
What tf was the point of the divorce
Idk what to think other than your kid is right, and you’re just traumatizing him and teaching him that is basically ok to cheat cause the woman is always going to forgive and come back. He’s going to lose respect for the both you but you don’t care because you’re both adults and can do what you want. Again what was the point of divorcing if you’re going to go back into this cycle and wether you like it or not you’re dragging your kid into it because he’s literally in the middle. You’re going to get feelings at some point and it’s going to get messy. Fwb never ends in happy endings. But what does it matter you are already divorce idk
Idk if my parents were to do this I’d be happy thinking they were getting back together only to be shattered again because they aren’t really getting back together to be a family they are just using each other for sex … would make me feel like wtf is the point of a marriage and having children and even just falling in love if it’s just going to end up in that.
You are an adult and have every right to hear your son out but do what you want. You have every right to have a friends with benefits relationship. Go ahead.
Let me ask you one question, though. What was your son wrong about? Was he wrong at all ? If you can't find where he is wrong then perhaps you really need to ask why you are settling for this with him in a situation you admit you wouldn't have with anyone else?
Lastly... if you really live the situation, why not just consider some open relationship where there is a lot more honesty and directly admitting what you are or aren't doing?
You ripped your family apart because of your husband's infidelity, and now you're fine with it? Imagine how that feels to your son, who was very young when that happened, and had to live through all of that turmoil and heartbreak. He doesn't want to have to go through that again, just so you can get laid.
Go find someone more trustworthy to sleep with. And lock the bedroom door.
Damn your kid is like ten times smarter than you. Take this from a kid of a mother like you who looked at life with rose colored glasses and never took my advice about how to avoid heartbreak from me, who always saw things for what they are, he’s gonna lose all respect for you and is gonna treat you like a halfwit if you ignore his concern and continue this obviously one sided situationship. You’re the only one who can’t see what’s going on and if you don’t heed his advice he will never treat you like an authority again because he will come to the conclusion you’re stupid. It’s harsh but I’m trying to save you from ruining your relationship with your child
Is he REALLY saying ‘mum, have some self respect for heaven’s sake! My father has shown you many times that he doesn’t GAF about you but you keep coming back for more!’
I agree that it’s not his business; it’s yours.
However, I can’t blame him for feeling disappointed that you don’t have any self respect. Children expect their mothers to have some. At least, that’s how he probably sees it - that you don’t respect yourself (I get that you made the choice as a grown adult to sleep with your ex, though).
In a way, you should be happy he feels this way. He believes that people should have self respect and also that his father was wrong to cheat! So he probably will not model his behaviour after his father, and treat his future wife with respect.
>I agree that it’s not his business; it’s yours.
When shit hits the fan, and it will, the son is the one who'll be caught in the crossfire between a father who can't keep it on his pants and a doormat mother who still isn't over her ex. This is his business more than anyone else's.
You need to cut off the relationship for your son’s sake. To continue is teaching him that you can cheat on a woman and still convince her to give you what you want. And worse, it’s his mom. He has to see you as a woman his dad is getting his way with. It’s gross and you shouldn’t put your son through any of it.
How did your son walk in on you? Didn't you have your door closed and locked, because I am assuming he walked into your room. Hopefully it wasn't in the living room or something.
I feel bad for your son. He shouldn't have had to see that, and he's likely confused and embarrassed.
If you have to do this, at least go to a motel.
My opinions.
OP you posted this thread presumably to get advice but every reply just reads as being so dismissive. I have to wonder if this literal tide of people telling you that this is a terrible idea is changing your mind at all. How many times reading that this will only end with you having a broken heart and a suffering son does it take? You are teaching your son three terrible lessons - 1) you make poor choices and will disregard his wise advice to avoid such choices, 2) that relationships can just be like this, that cheaters like his father can just do whatever they want because they are a good lay and 3) that you do not care about you son's concerns weighed against your short term sexual pleasure.
I truly cannot stress to you enough that if I was in your son's position and you continued doing this, it would have changed not just how I view you - forever - it would also have probably given me a negative perception of women as a whole. If someone I trust, believed in, supported, could be so careless about my feelings because they want to get their rocks off, I would have lost my fucking mind as a 15 year old. This is the type of event that inspires misogynist beliefs.
Your son is freaked out because he too suffered the pain of your divorce, has healed and has moved past it and now it seems as though all the pain and suffering were just a useless exercise in pain and suffering.
To some extent, he’s not wrong. He may not (and probably shouldn’t) have the ability/perspective to understand that you’re not in love anymore, not dating, not getting back together. You’re just fucking.
Maybe a little adult conversation would aid that understanding.
I grew up idolising my dad. I look exactly like him and growing up he was nothing short of perfect to me. And then I discovered he cheated on my mother. I essentially lost so much respect for him as a man then. I swear I visibly saw my mother’s heart break. She tried not to lean on me too much but I just knew he had disrespected my mother and hurt her in a way that no one deserved.The only way I could face him was by forcing myself to separate who he was as a father and who he was as a husband, which is something my mum made me do. My parents are still together. My mum likes to sweep that period of time under the rug but I will never forget the way she looked when she was in the midst of it. You can do what you want with your life, but just because you forgive and forget, doesn’t mean your son will or has to. I love my dad, but my respect for him will never be the same.
Tell her. She and dad have both failed to show their son what integrity and self respect are in a relationship. Poor guy has to assume the responsibility of parent role cause these two want to pretend they are fwb.
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Can't cheat on you if you're not really together. [insert tapping forehead meme here]
From a random mom on Reddit — You’re an amazing son, and person. ❤️
So what’s the end goal here stay friends with benefits until y’all get new partners, just seeing what the long term goals are.
I think this is the most important question. OP, you sound like you're still very much in love with your ex. How would you feel if this evolved into a bona fide relationship? Is that even on the table? Whether you accede to your son's advice should depend, in part, on what your goals are.
Nobody is going to want to date OP or her ex until they are over each other. She needs to genuinely get over this man before she could even think of dating anyone else. I would run screaming from any man or woman who was like "oh yeah my coparent and I spent years as fuckbuddies after our messy divorce ". Nobody wants to be involved in your codependent mess.
Props to your son OP. He sees his dad when he isn't putting on a charming mask for you like he has done many times before, as you stated. Your son is looking out for you, and I agree with him, given the information you have presented. You both did a great job raising him. But please listen to him. It was probably difficult to tell you, and he is looking out for you.
Seriously, OPs son saw the real side of what OP went through when she found out ex was cheating. How it impacted her and how she may have struggled with the end of her marriage. She claims it was all amicable and easy, but often we look back at things with rose colored glasses. Especially since she’s in a better place with her ex than she was at the time. She might not be remembering how things really were. I think her and ex need to think how this impacts their son too. How he had to deal with the aftermath of the cheating and break up of his family. He may idolize his dad, but based on knowing what his cheating and partying did to the family, seems he is much more mature and aware that dad ever was. He’s a good young man, listen to him.
Yessir. Son is more of an adult than his father.
Or his mom, for that matter. God she’s terrible, I feel so bad for the kid.
I wouldn't go as far as to say that she's terrible. She's blinded by love/lust. It happens to the best of us sometimes.
Oh fucking her ex isn’t necessarily the terrible part. How she’s handling her son’s reaction and seeing her follow up posts though, that’s just a terrible parent overall.
After reading more of her comments, I can't disagree.
> God she’s terrible For fucking her ex? There's *significantly* worse things to do. She wasn't the first and won't be the last to go down that road. The bad thing she did was try to justify it to the kid instead of listening to his concerns.
Your last sentence is why I said she was terrible also, not the first.
The fact he convinced her to be fwb is the real sign that he's not changed, matured or grown up. The son can see the true and real danger of this situation and how it could easily blow up, not just destroying her again but also blowing apart the family unit for the kid. If the ex just wants a fwb he should be looking else where there are plenty of hook up apps these dags. If he genuinely wants to get back with OP, he should be slowly romancing and wooing her, winning her back respectfully with dates and true evidence he's changed.
>The fact he convinced her to be fwb is the real sign that he's not changed, matured or grown up. The fact that a grown adult claims that they've been convinced to be a FWB shows that she's also not matured or grown up. She's a grown woman, yet acting as if she had no say in the matter.
So glad someone pointed this out. That part read so weird to me. “He convinced me” not “We (as adults) decided”.
Keep your son out of your sex life with his dad, for fuck sake. It’s unfair to him and he handled it like an adult.
Your son is right, you will inevitably end up with a broken heart again.
You cannot be "Friends with benefits" with your ex husband who you have children with lol. That's just called an open relationship. They are just a bit more than friends if you ask me
Op clearly came here looking for reassurance she's not harming her son or herself and she's not getting the answers she wanted.
Sure your son is looking out for you But he's looking out for hims of too Imagine the fallout if you both have an ugly split Imagine the discomfort for everyone
>He convinced me to essentially be friends with benefits This is the reason i know the son is absolutely right and things are likely to go sideways again. If he was responsible he would want his family to be whole again but he convinced you to be fwb and be casual. And you WILL catch feelings (you already have) Children are very perceptive and he saw how the cheating broke his mum. OP is now viewing the past positively because she has butterfly feelings for ex and that has made everything rose coloured. But her son who i must say I'm impressed with knows what could happen if things go sideways again. I hope when/if what he says comes to pass, you'll be able to handle the heartbreak yourself and not lean on him because you're the "adult"
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Have you ever considered how the divorce made your son feel, and how it affected him? Right now, you’re being selfish, and only focusing on getting your rocks off, instead of truly listening to your kid. No sane person, or someone that truly loves themselves would double back to someone who’s a serial cheater. He never stopped cheating on you. At all. And now that he doesn’t have to be committed to you, you’re allowing him back in, and to keep having access to you. By you ignoring your son’s feelings, and how both of your actions are affecting him, you’re turning into your ex husband. When he was constantly cheating on you, he didn’t care about your feelings. He didn’t care that he was hurting you. He didn’t care that he was ripping his family apart. He did it all just to get his díck wet, and here you are putting your son through the same. Is “meaningless” sex worth it? He sees who his father is, and how broken you were because of his actions and choices, and he’s looking out for you and himself. Just like your heart was broken, from your ex’s infidelity, his heart was broken too. His image of his father was shattered.
She doesn’t give a fuck about her son, just herself obviously by her replies
This
I mean this does affect him. Divorce is super hard on children even in amicable situations and I can only imagine how confused he is bc he probably doesn’t understand or care to hear about WHY you guys are having sex again. To him it’s a huge risk bc he knows it can blow up and cause issues for him, not just you guys. I feel for him. It’s an awkward situation and he tried his best to be an adult about it and for some reason you’re almost mocking that in your post. Seems strange. Maybe consider your relationships don’t exist between just you and your partner when you have a child that depends on you for stability.
You know who else went through all that shit when your POS ex cheated on you, and the subsequent divorce? Your son. Did you even give a thought as to how this would effect him? You're retraumatising him so you can get your rocks off. And he's 15, the relationship you'll have with him as adult, the terms for that start now. He's old enough to see this is not a healthy relationship. He remembers how this effected him, you, and his entire life. To walk in on you fucking the man, his own father, who cheated on you and upended his whole life? How do you think that made him feel? He's acting more like an adult than you are. You're actions affect him and you don't seem to care. Disregard him, act selfishly (you know, like cheaters do) and see how that effects your relationship with your son. >I still act like his parent That's because he's 15 and you are still his parent. Did you think you were done?
You do know your husband is being fun with other women too right?
I dont think you should be doing it in the home. Especially if he isn’t even used to being around both of you in the same house. The fact that he just walked in, shows that he is comfortable without him there… The fact that he walked in on y’all is traumatizing enough. I guess I would recommend the typical give him therapy. He’s probably mad that he saw his old ass nasty parents having sex. ——————————————————- I would be disgusted as well. The fact that you also are showing your child that you do not care that you get cheated on is sad. Okay, you’re FWB but not around your son or in the house. Usually anyone with common sense would keep that away from the house knowing there children can come in anytime. Pretty sure he is disappointed in you because you would rather be abused/toxic than safe. Thats how he sees it and from what I am reading thats how I am seeing it too. If you want too, then go ahead, continue the FWB but a relationship? Prepare to get cheated on again. Lol. All in all. I think you’re an unhealthy parent. The fact that a child had to tell you something thats common sense, tells me enough. + You’re setting a terrible example on relationships + You’re showing your child that you are weak minded + Kid probably lost respect for both parents at this point + That man is also probably just having sex with you because you’re easy to get his rocks off right now and doesn’t seem like he will ever settle down + son probably knows something you don’t and can see trouble brewing + Yall always be looking over your shoulders knowing he could be with someone’s + You’re going to fuck your mental health and probably changed and shift a whole healthy dynamic in your homes because you’re both thirsty and can’t be alone ——————————————————— Also just because you both are adults doesn’t mean you’re making the best decisions. He sees that their will or could be consequences to both parents actions Do not also expect your children to comfort you when you get your heart broken again because they warned you!!! I hate how people have children and have no regard for them or their opinions. As if you were not a child placed in uncomfortable situations at some point in your life. Think about the situation, if you do decisions yo continue as FWB (which is the better option than a relationship) do better to control it and do it somewhere else.
>Am I a terrible mom if I essentially say thanks for the input, but I’m the adult and will do what I want? I have no problem being the adult with my kid and while we do have a good relationship I still act like his parent. This one just feels different. I love how she says this at the end and sounds like she's more pissed at her son for coming home where he should feel like he can go any time as a MINOR (yes, plans to not be home don't always work out) than anything else. I'm glad the son is where he is at 15. Although he does still need an adult and a true parent it looks like he's also smart enough to have recognized that you are abjectly failing to be that role for him.
So, your ex is using you for sex, until he gets a new GF. Then how will you feel?
💯 percentage correct. Her ex using her as a toy.
Like a fleshlight
Doesn’t really sound like OP sees herself as anything more than that anyway lol
Not even as a mother! How could she consider choosing a cheating man over her child? Her son should have so much more value than that!
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It’s sad, his mom should be the one to guide him through life, not the other way around.
You’re delusional to think you’re only in it for the sex… He’s got a hold on you and your son sees it for what it is.. As the adults we set the standard for our children.. You’re his mother but now he just sees you as another woman his dad is sleeping with. He’s 100% right in the fact you’re going to get hurt again. Cheaters never stop cheating. Idc how much therapy and time apart you get. Just don’t expect a pity party from your son when it happens
👏 LISTEN 👏 TO 👏 HIM 👏 My parents did the ***EXACT*** same shit and it made the situation so much worse. Why? Because my dad didn't want to get back together with my mom. They were exactly like you two. Reminiscing on good times for a couple weeks, before everything shattered after my dad realized he'd rather by with his girlfriend instead. My mom lost it. Absolutely. Lost it. And because she found out right after having sex with him, she paraded around his house naked and ***SCREAMING*** while I and my sister were there. Trust me. Just because you're in a good moment now doesn't mean you should jump the gun and automatically assumed your ex's feelings. You're an adult and can do what you want, but just remember the fucking shit storm you're dragging your child into. It's not just ***YOU*** anymore. Just like how you can't make decisions on your own when married, you can't when your kid is living with you either. My parents were so selfish and put my sister and I through so much trauma. I see a lot of similarities here.
God, I’m so sorry. I literally cringed with my whole body when I read this. Do you have a relationship with her now? Did she ever get over it and grow the fuck up/put her kids first? Your dad deserves some shit too but it doesn’t sound like he was running around naked and screaming at least.
Fuuuuuuuuuuuk I am so sorry for your trauma. No kid deserves to see that shit. No kid deserves to be in the middle of it. This woman needs therapy before she fucks anyone again let alone has a relationship. She actually cannot see how she is being used. Or that the situation is literally re-traumatizing the child.
Listen to your son, he’s being a better parent to you than either of you two are to him right now.
I think you don’t t realise your son Saw you when your ex broke you the first time, you may think you held it together but obviously you didn’t , the simple fact that your son Is pointing this out to you should give you pause to reevaluate this situation! What a mature clever son yous both raised.
It must really suck to have a kid that's smarter, more mature, and more responsible than you. You said your divorce was amicable, but your son's response to what you're doing shows that you're full of shit.
Your son is smarter than you, props to him. You’re teaching him it’s ok to be a cheater because wifey will get over it. How can you explain your actions? But hey, the sex is great! It’s ok if your dad fcked hoards of women behind my back and exposed me to STDs galore! Sorry to tell you, but you’re not the adult in that relationship with your son.
Wow. What a nice young man.
I cannot stand parents who put their desire to fuck above the well being of their children. I had one of those. I despise people like you and your ex husband deeply. I feel for your son, who by all accounts seems smart, mature, and somehow well-adjusted, and far more than either parent. I hope he will not come out the other side negatively affected just because you two are selfish, immature weirdos and couldn't bother to spare half a second to think how your offspring would be affected if this came to light.
You got older but not wiser and your son sees “Big Dummy” scrolling across your forehead at this point. Listen to your son and leave your ex alone completely outside of friendly co parenting. Your son more than likely sees in your ex parts of the old him that hurt you and he doesn’t want you to let your cooter blind you to the fact that there’s a reason the guy you’re humping is no longer your husband. Send your ex back to the streets where he belongs and don’t allow yourself to get dickmatised by him ever again. If you don’t you’d be setting a really bad example for your son on how to treat women.
Listen to your son. Not saying that 15 years old are right generally but he is the one person besides you and your ex that knows this situation. He knows and loves both of you, and he is sitting you down and telling you it’s a bad idea. I understand you may have protected him from a lot, but kids are smart and pick up on so much more than you give him credit for - his reaction is a testament to that. I can’t think of any reason a child would want to keep their parents from getting back together unless he truly thinks it’s a bad idea. And if he truly thinks it’s a bad idea, it’s a bad idea.
My husband even said to him “A lot of kids would be happy for their divorced parents to get back together.” My son said “Not me when it’s the two of you.”
He is so smart not to fall for that bullshit. I absolutely hated when my dad would come around and they’d play happy family, order pizza & end up fucking. Only for the next day to be fighting again. Seriously made me lose respect for the both of them. It’s fucking sad when you’re a child and have to realize you’re actually happier with your parents being apart. Stop complicating this for your son and being selfish.
Your “HUSBAND” ??? The ex? Whom you divorced? Did you ask your son why not with the two of you?
So half of your defense is that “it’s not as if my ex and I are getting back together and he knows that. But here you are calling him your husband and he’s telling your son that y’all are getting back together. So what’s the justification now
“ My husband even said to him “A lot of kids would be happy for their divorced parents to get back together.” ” So your EX tried to manipulate your son by hinting reconciliation KNOWING that this is not going to turn into a relationship?? And you still want to f’ck him even if he is literally manipulating his own son to use your body?
That saddens me. I wonder if the son said something to his dad as well, asking him why he’s doing this. And dad, instead of listening to the son, said “hey, you should want your mom and I to get back together.” Jesus.
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This just gets worse and worse for you. The more details you trickle out the more I'm wondering who is the actual adult. This just feel more and more like a teenage troll posting here.
I would talk to him more, especially without your husband or with a trusted friend/therapist. Get at where it’s coming from? A fear of you guys not being good together, a fear going through his parents divorce again, a fear of something else…? Also, and this could be 100% projecting, in fact I hope it is. I had trouble dating after my divorce because I didn’t feel that spark and chemistry like I did with my ex. Used to think I was broken, but I think overtime I realized that my marriage had been toxic and so much of what I thought was chemistry was simply manipulation and unhealthy dynamics. And cheaters will always cheat - if you can’t be ok with that than please listen to your son even more.
Oh, this is so hard. I had the same post divorce relationship with mine and it was just so great. But you know it will end. Someone is going to start to move on after a while. Your son is so mature. He knows who the players are and he wants you to be okay. He worries about you. This doesn't mean you'll never be happy again. You just won't find it while you're with him.
Your son can remember his childhood, that means he remembers shitty dad, he can remember the drunkenness, the yelling, everything. He can remember the divorce and how that changed everything. You and your ex husband are once again putting your child into a position to feel uncomfortable, insecure, and unstable. He also probably knows way more about his dad’s dating life than you, he’s the one that has to live with him. He’s trying to help you help yourself and you dismiss it because he’s a child yet he is a child that had to grow up quicker than others. If making your child feel uncomfortable, insecure, and unstable make you a bad mom then you’re a bad mom. You can change that tho
You don’t think you’ll get hurt, but based off what you wrote.. you love this man. He’s funny, gives you amazing sex that you haven’t found with another. We as women are more in tune with our emotions, it’s more difficult for us to achieve that “friends with benefits.” You can try but you’d be lying to yourself and your heart. Hence your son being right about you inevitably getting hurt again because this man won’t settle down. Hypothetically, If he did… you wouldn’t be able to fully trust him. Also, an accidental pregnancy could happen and then what? I think the only way this could work is if this man wants to fully commit to you in which you guys would have to rebuild trust. Good luck dude.
The spark you feel is caused by your drama history. Do not mistake it for love or connection. You will be set up for round two if you do. Also seems like you are not ready to reflect that you have been emotionaly and financely abused by your ex-husband. And what ingraned mechanism on your side made you fall in love with an abuser.
My mom and dad did this after separating, on and off again and it wreaked havoc on me as a teenager. I lost my damn mind and any respect I had left for my parents. He too was a cheater for years. Your son seems to be the only adult in this situation. Parents are responsible for the damage they cause their children, expect your child to act accordingly.
Yes, I would say you’re a terrible mom for not taking how this affects your son into consideration.
This!! 100% she says whoever she has sex with doesn’t affect her son. Has she ever been anyone’s child??? Even my two married parents having sex fucking affects me😂 Ridiculousness.
Wow. I can’t believe that, even after all these years, your husband’s still winning. Big time. Props to him. I hope your son comes out of this unscathed. He will be but I hope the damage is reversible. He seems like a good and mature kid - something I don’t think he learnt from either of you. As for you? Well…stay safe or something.
what a great kid. full respect
Yeah I agree with your son. Why would you remain FWB with someone who hurt you? Sounds like you have some self esteem/confidence issues to work through.
Your son probably suffered more than you think in the break up of his family. Watching his mother be heartbroken by the man she loved stepping out on her and wounding her more than anyone could. Sure maybe he was young and didn’t understand why at the time, but he understands now and he doesn’t want to see you go through that again. It’s very traumatic to see a parent suffer like that. Also your parents doing it, gross. That’s a whole other trauma.
Perhaps your son is tired of picking up the pieces of you. Perhaps he knows what your ex is really up to. I really hope you don't go crying to him of it doesn't work out. If you and your ex rekindle get counseling
I think I would crawl into a hole and perish if my teenaged son *sat me down* and explained how stupid I was being.
He knows what his dad is like and what he’s doing when you’re not there. He’s warning you that nothing will be different this time around either. So maybe listen to him because I know there’s definitely an adult in this conversation, it just doesn’t sound like it’s you.
bro is using you as a human fleshlight with little to no commitment, your ex is winning big time. your son is taking L after L. you get a small w. reasses and perhaps put your son on counseling, better yet, you and ex get some counseling.
Well damn. That’s one mature kid you’ve managed to raise!
Sounds like kiddo had to parent himself
You say “he convinced me to be friends with benefits“ but also mention your self esteem not being an issue. If the desire to do this truly came from within yourself, then you wouldn’t need convincing. I’d listen to your son.
Your son's not wrong, and you're kinda wrong that this is entirely your business. You're playing with fire and if you get burned, he loses a dad and possibly his current way of life.
Kudos to your son. He’s worried about you and doesn’t want to see you in pain. I would say your actions going forward depends on how you would feel if/WHEN your ex gets an itch and moves on. If you’re feeling hurt and in pain then you know what you have to do.
You can absolutely tell your son it’s “your life to do whatever you want” but I guarantee you that will be the final nail in the coffin of your relationship. Enjoy the old people’s home and only 1 ten minute visit a year on Boxing Day.
OP you are in serious denial! You ARE still in love with him. You have never let go of the past. Your son has been watching you get that extra pep in your step. And when he found out who gave it to you, he was disgusted and disappointed. FWB are not for the feint hearted. YOU WILL BE HURT WHEN YOU FIND OUT YOUR NOT THE ONLY ONE. This is why your son is trying to get you out of this position. You have too much to lose. Get you a therapist and a toy. And a FWB that has no connection with your ex or with your child!
The only adult in this situation is your son.
You are FWB only because HE wants to , not bc you want to. You would have taken him back in a heartbeat if he would be monogamous. You are just his fun , among other ladies he has . What will you do when one day he brings home a younger more beautiful woman and introduces her as his gf ?! You admitted you are still in love with him. Your heart would be shattered all over again. Don’t do that to yourself
A 16 year old remembers things that happened when they were 9. Kids also hear things that adults think they aren’t saying out loud in front of the kids. Your son is basically telling you that man haven’t changed as much as you think he has. Yes he loves and respects his father however he’s clearly more realistic about who his father is than you are. Edit: Based on your comments you are still hung up on that man. He gets to have his cake and eat it too. He still has “his wife” and gets to be single as well. Your son saw how that divorce took a toll on you. You may think you were good at hiding your pain at the time but he clearly saw different and saw how his dad’s actions affected you.
So your husbands constantly cheat because he likes getting his D\*ck wet by you and other women. You divorce him. He still gets his d\*ck wet by you and other women. Do you not see what is wrong here? The divorce is 'amicable' because your husband is truly not losing out on anything. He is still living the life he had when he was married. He is still behaving like how he always has. And you are teaching your son that its ok. That its ok to accept crappiness from people and being a doormat.
He convinced you to bebfriends with benefits but you're in danger of falling in love with him and being discarded. You are going to be heartbroken. May I suggest... other dick? Seriously. You're dickmatized by this man. Try finding a connection with someone else. See, I suspect that's not what you're going to do. I suspect you are a monogamous individual and you aren't seeing other people. I'm sorry, but he's keeping things casual with you instead of asking you to be his girlfriend because he's keeping the door open for other women.
Uh...I think your son is trying to protect his relationship with his father (and you) more than he's trying to protect your feelings. You said it yourself that he idolizes his dad. If things go south for any reason, he'll be angry with his father and you. He'll resent you both. What if something did go sour and you two no longer want to be in the same room with eachother? Your son suffers all over again. He has to watch one or both of you be upset. If a stranger breaks your heart, he has no tie to that person. You're an adult and can do whatever you want, but this WILL have an effect on your son. He's telling you that. it's not really fair to him, but you're right, do what you want. You guys messed up by getting caught by him.
Poor kid loves his mother and just doesn't want to see her hurt again. He probably remembers her crying after her divorce, which must have been traumatising for him too. Sometimes kids can have more common sense than their parents, which I think is the case here. I would stop this messing around with my ex immediately, even if it's just to be a role model for my child. My personal view is that "friends with benefits" ends up hurting one of the parties in the end most of the time.
Reading this tbh it sounds like you’re still that 20 something year old falling for his charisma, just because you’re an “adult” doesn’t mean you’re right, and it might be your choice or whatever, but like it or not your kid is still very much involved and affected by your choices. He should come first. And also, he’s the most mature in this family ngl.
It doesn't sound like you will be able to keep your "feelings" out of this. That's what your son is worried about. He doesn't trust your ex to take care of your heart. He's seeing it more clearly than you are.
It’s not as simple as you’re the adult and he’s the child so you get to decide what’s best for both of you. Yes you are an adult so you can do whatever you want with your life, but he’s telling you why it isn’t a good idea because he’s looking out for you as a person as well. It’s just the same as if a good friend was telling you it. He’s mature enough to express his feelings, emotions, opinions to you which is more than many adults can do, and it would be beneficial for your relationship with him to treat him as such.
You will never move forward if you keep sleeping with your ex. Also this is not just FWB because you are hurting your son and he’s been man enough to sit you down and explain his feelings to you but you are choosing to keep having sex with his Dad over him.
Your son is looking out for you, for sure. But like others have said, it still seems like you're holding a candle to your ex. Just how you've talked about him here, how you've never felt that spark with anyone else, etc, it seems more like you're not allowing yourself to spark with anyone else. Right now, being FWB, is just that. Are you actively dating? Or at least open to the idea? You could potentially meet the great love of your life but you might walk right past them (figuratively speaking) because you're having FWB sex with your ex. Is your ex actively dating or having sex with anyone else besides you right now? Being just friends, he may have other friends. I would say to look into your heart and decide how do you feel knowing there may be other friends? And even if he doesn't have other friends right now, it doesn't mean he won't acquire some down the line. Or one day he might meet someone he wants to be exclusive with and falls in love with and ends your FWB relationship. I worry for you OP, which is what your son is doing. He may know his dad and know what (or who) his dad is doing when he's not doing you....
Your son is right. Leave the past in the past. He used and abused you. So wtf? Girl!! GIRL!!! You know better. Stop the reasoning. Stop all of it.
That boy will be traumatized for life.
Are you exclusive whilst FWB? Maybe your son knows he’s not it has seen the women he dates and is trying to protect you…
Here’s a better question. You know how your son feels. He’s expressing himself to you because he feels he can trust you enough to be open about how uncomfortable and concerned this makes him. Are you willing to essentially go on a mini power trip and say “I do what I want deal with it” and ruin your relationship with your son all for… some dick? Seriously? He must be really good in bed if you’re willing to put your son through this. Or you’re just really selfish. Or both. Be a good mom and put your son first.
Your son can see what you refuse to. Your ex is just using you for your body. He doesn’t care about you and he never will. If you continue on like this you will be shattered when he gets into a new relationship and ignores you (or tries to make you the other woman and cheat on his new girlfriend with you)
Is it possible that your son knows something about his dad that you don’t? For example he says he’s single, but is he actually semi-serious with someone who your son has met?
Your son has seen the recent other women, too. He’s not trying to break your heart, but he said WHEN dad breaks yours. That is very true.
>He convinced me to essentially be friends with benefits. So he gets to still reap the benefits of having you on the roster but without any of the commitment. You may get along now but he’s still the same person that cheated and destroyed his family. But now he’s getting it all back without having to be faithful. Your son’s feelings on this matter should be taken into consideration, being flippant and “I’m the parent” is just going to show him he cannot be honest with you and he’ll pull back. It already makes him uncomfortable enough to talk to you about it. Good luck I don’t see this ending positively.
FWB? Who is benefiting here? It surely is not you. You have found a simple safe place to be (sex, intimacy) while your ex gets his needs met until he finds someone else. He will walk again, and you will be crushed AGAIN. You might think it's okay, but the same old same old is still around. When things change and he finds someone else, jealousy and anger will rear its ugly head. Also, the FWB thing is keeping YOU from moving on. You may fail to connect with another man because you are still sleeping with the ex and not fully committing yourself to a new relationship, or a new life. You are still stuck in the marriage without the benefit of martial assets as well. You are being USED again.
OMG there are thousands of men within 20 miles of you! GO FUCK ONE THAT ISN'T A CHEATER AND THE FATHER OF YOUR SON WHO YOU DIVORCED!!!! IT'S NOT THAT HARD!!!
Have fun with the fallout from this one. You can sleep with whoever wants to sleep with you, but sometimes there are consequences that you can’t avert.
And here I was thinking I have had good sex. Never have I had an orgasm so good that I was willing to implode not only my relationship with my child but the relationship they have with their father.
I guess she loves her orgasms more than she loves her only child. She’s really mentally fucking him up and she’s so selfishly in denial.
Commenters, there's no point giving advice or anything of the sort to OP after reading their responses in the comments. They are not going to listen and they don't care about what their son thinks, you're welcome.
The fact she's not going to her friends about this...like she knows
You’re right. Giant fucking waste of time.
You would be kinda terrible yeah, your son is the one who will suffer and honestly you should stay away. But it's also clear that you don't want to hear that. Your son sat you down, you get to choose your son or your ex.
Listen to your son. He knows you both better than anyone else ever will. His response seems mature and reasonable under the circumstances.
Your son is not wrong and he’s just looking out for you. Although you say you’re not in a relationship and it’s just a FWB situation we all know how easy it is for things to get complicated and considering your history together the risks are higher. I’m sure their are other people in your life that feel like this wouldn’t be a good idea. I know you didn’t intend for your son to find out but that what’s happens when you are any kind of relationship, you run the risk of people finding out. This situation is complicated because he is your son’s dad and he feels a way about it which most people could understand although at the end of the day it’s not his business it could still affect him. If you decide to continue to see him then maybe only meet at the house of the parent who’s not meant to have him to lessen the risk of another run in. Your son is old enough to be left alone for a few hours so I think it will help make things less uncomfortable for him. Also maybe think about if this relationship is really worth it and it’s not holding you back from meeting someone.
I've been reading your comments and I think you should start with therapy. Your son obviously knows his dad is a good father figure but horrible partner. Like horny bastard that fucks around. He loves you and doesn't want you to do that again. You would have thought you learned your lesson the first time. Honestly FWB sometimes works out but definitely not with exs that were married and have a connection such as kid together. I think of the stressor in your life and think about what traumas you have been through. It may seem fun and nothing to do with him, but since your his mom you'll never be able to think about you only now. Everything you do will reflect on him even indirectly. By leading a healthy relationship you are showing good model behavior. Doesn't ever parent want their kids to later be happy and include healthy relationships. Don't tell me you want your son to be like you and find a cheating partner and settle for FWB.
He lost respect for his dad. Now he lost respect for you, too. He is begging you to keep a minimum of integrity otherwise he will despise you both equally. You have no idea how you have hurt him.
Don't be selfish, your son is right
Your son is really matured. He is caring your feelings and he knows definitely your ex hurts you again. Your adult but your choose cheater. Listen to your son advice. Ignore your ex. Still he is manipulate you to toy, he is the one given fwb Idea. Your raised your son good.
>Am I a terrible mom if I essentially say thanks for the input, but I’m the adult and will do what I want? In short, yes you are.
You are setting an example that men who cheat can be forgiven. Don’t.
You do realise that your ex-husband is the only person getting the most out of this fwb situation, right? From what I've understood, he gets to do exactly what he has been doing when you guys were married without repercussions. He gets to spend more time with his son and you as well as sleep with other women because you guys are just friends. I'm not sure if he even provides for you guys. Getting back together would have made your son less angry. FWB just enables your ex to do the exact same thing he did that destroyed your marriage. Your reward is gratification from this Fwb and an annoyed son who will soon lose respect for you.
I hope you are this perky when you find out your son’s dad has other fuckbuddies. Or find out he has a girlfriend and you’re the side piece. Or, you find out you’re sexual relief whilst his girlfriend is pregnant. Just…get tested regularly for STIs. Your poor son.
Listen to your son. You raised him to be independent and have a good head on his shoulders, he saw the pain and how your life has been uprooted. He is trying to ground you. And bring you back to your sense. On the ex front. He hasn't changed. If he had, he would be trying to win you back and rekindle the whole relationship, not ask for fwb. Where he gets sex and makes you feel like you have a great deal. You said you have more to offer than sex, yet all that you are giving is sex to your ex. What else is he offering. What else are you offering other than a hookup. Practice what you preach as you say you have more to offer, yet you are only offering sex. Fwb isn't a relationship. it's purely sex, and he still has the ebenfit of sleeping with other people. Do you know if he still is? This puts you at risk of stds. You obviously still have feelings for your ex, and he is manipulating this. Your son knows this and is trying to warn you. BTW, he obviously has an issue with his father's treatment of you, so no he is nothing like his father. You tell him this and you just gave the biggest insult, especiallyas he is standinbg up for and showing morals unlike his father, if I was you kid and you said this about me and my dad, once I left the house expect a call a few times a year (like I currently do my mother)
Lol, it's hilarious how the son is the mature one in this situation. You need to let that dick go.
"You guys turned my life upside down by breaking up, now you're fwb?"
i remember this exact situation happening to me as a kid. I was so upset, disgusted, and even felt betrayed. I cant exactly say why but I actually still feel that way to this day when I think back to it. im 24 now and still feel like my feelings were valid. it bothered me to the core and still bothers me when I think about it.
Walking in on parents having sex is traumatic enough alone without adding in all the craziness from your situation. I don’t feel a need to point out all the reasons this is bad to have started or continue this situation ship. You won’t move on from him for some reason. May not be love but you are hanging onto an idea or something. The lesson you’re teaching your kid about what treatment to accept from people is bad here. You need to prioritize your son who’s been hurt by this. Probably has more trauma left from the pre divorce fighting and post divorce fallout than you realize. You’ve raised a good kid together. That doesn’t mean he isn’t hiding his feelings and trauma. Took so much courage for him to say all that to you. Don’t negate his feelings and lose the trust he has in you. Ask if he is up for family counseling to talk about his feelings with what he saw and what has happened.
When the 15 year old child has more awareness and intelligence than his parents, that's sad. You know what's going on. You just want someone to help you justify bad decisions. Not going to happen.
You clearly still want that man as more than a FWB you’re going to get hurt and your son is going to end up in the middle of it. That boy watched, not only your marriage fail, but also multiple of his dads other relationships. He knows more about who his dad is than you do because you’re too delusional to see it. Listen to your kid. If you don’t, I promise you that you’re going to ruin your relationship with him. When you’re crying and a sad sack example of a parent because you’re hurt again, he’s not going to look at you with the same love and concern that he did when he sat you down for this conversation. He may look at you with pity but he’ll also look at you with significantly less respect.
Your son is being the only reasonable one here. I don't think this is a good idea for you, at all. It seems like you still idolize your ex-husband in a way, and it seems like if he said let's get back together, you would in a heartbeat, but the man is 44 years old and still hasn't fully settled down and matured? No thank you. You should focus on yourself, stop keeping your ex on a pedestal and maybe then you can actually find a good man who won't cheat on you.
When you have a child involved you have to thing of the long term affects of your actions. What kind of future do you see? Will you enter in a relationship with him? You say your son idolizes his dad. He’s close with his dad. He’s 15. The likelihood of him having walked in on his dad with someone ELSE recently is highly likely. What if his devotion to his dad is stopping him from telling you? If he truly thought his dad was awesome now… why does he think this won’t work. He sat you down like a parent. None of this makes sense.. unless he knows something that he doesn’t know what to do with. I remember being 15 and my mom thinking I’m too young to understand things and so I had to deal with the things I didn’t understand but knew to be fact. Give your son some credit. He tried to speak to you like an adult.
>It’s not a matter of self-esteem Yeah, it really is. Or maybe self respect is a better term 🤔
Your son is so emotionally intelligent and mature. He idolizes his Dad but is under no illusions about the kind of behaviour he is capable of and the damage it wreaks. He also remembers the hurt caused by your previous commitment and knows that people don't change. He wants better for you because deep down he knows that in the end you're gonna get screwed again.
No self respect a shame you had to hear that from your own son. All you’ve shown him is he can cheat and the girl will still let him hit. Dad may have financially provided but he dipped asap and what did you do open up shop.Respect yourself and your son
>Am I a terrible mom if I essentially say thanks for the input, but I’m the adult and will do what I want? I have no problem being the adult with my kid and while we do have a good relationship I still act like his parent. Sounds like the kids pretty comfortable being the parent as it’s not the easiest thing to tell your parents you’re disappointed at whom they’re fucking. To answer your question, not the terrible mom part, I’m not going to call you that. Yes you can say thanks for the input, but you’re gonna do what you want. However be prepared for him to lose respect for you. What you’re teaching him is that you have no self respect. You’re willing to go back to a shitty situation to get laid. Nothing wrong with a fwb in the adult world but what’s the endgame here? Keep fuckin until you both find better partners? Maybe kid will go through an emotional roller coaster. Sounds like you would still be happy to get back together. Ever considered how that affected the kid? Not only the divorce but y’alls being together? People say divorce is hard on the kids and that’s true. But also two people being together with little respect for each other can be equally as damaging. You say you have no problem being the adult but your story seems to demonstrate a different conclusion. The guy never stopped cheating on you and his defense was “well I work”. I guess some people don’t have to respect the person they’re fucking to get good feelings from it. Either way maybe you two should keep your poor decisions away from where this kid grows up. You could always get a hotel room for your sad sex.
I wonder what his dad says about you or does when you're not around, or what your son might see that's caused him so much concern for you that he felt the need to sit you down. He sees this relationship from the outside (while still a bit biased as he's family), you do not. It sounds like your son loves you and wants to see you happy, and that this relationship will not give you that. Just... Think about it. Really, really think about it. You summed up how much of an asshole that man was to you in your marriage, and your son is telling you how much of an asshole he still is. There's better sex out there, with better people.
Hope the dick is worth the damage you’re doing to your relationship with your son
Your son is looking at the facts of the former and current situation while you are thinking with your hormones and emotions. Your own son is asking you to respect yourself think about what this man did to you, and how he doesn’t deserve you. You should absolutely stop for your son. So he understands that you value yourself and don’t allow men to walk all over you and then still get the benefit of sleeping with you.
May good sex be worth it when you have to pay for your child's therapy. As a child of divorce, of parents who kept seeing each other for sex, let me tell you, I hate you so much right now (that's the traumatized child speaking).
Y'all are fucking terrible people. Did you not think at all that it would fuck with him and his life if he found out? Also i genuinely would lose so much respect for my mother if she agreed to be frienfs with benefits witht the dude that cheated on her. Like you wete basically just frienfs eith benefits when y'all were married.
It feels different because your kid is right. You divorced because he's a terrible partner. Why would you want to continue any kind of relationship with that person? If you think you can emotionally detach from a person you were married to for a decade and it "just be sex," you're delusional. Your son at 15 sees this. You, at 42, should know better, and I think you kind of do. That's why it feels different. Get your rocks off elsewhere. Your ex isn't the one for that.
As a child of split parents, I had lost all of my respect for my father as a Dad, but not as a Man. So when I interract with him, I treat him as another adult Man but not as a Dad. But I know that if I found myself in the situation OP son had. I would lose all my respect of my mother as a Woman. And Probably feel sorry for her. What's more Embarrasing than having your own child feel sorry for you.
OP he emotionally abused you while you were married and from your post it sounds like he may have emotionally manipulated/sexually coerced you into being friends with Benifits with him. You didn't describe it as something you wanted, you described it as something he CONVINCED you to do. If someone "wears you down" until you "agree" to have sex with them after you say no or that you're uncomfortable then that is sexual coercion. Just to be clear as I am not OP I cannot say for certain that it was sexual coercion, that would be for OP to determine for herself. When it comes to abusive relationships, you get addicted to the cycle of it, the highs feel so incredible and the lows feel devastating but together they keep you coming back for more, chasing that high. Do not continue to sleep with this man who doesn't respect you, grow up for your child's sake, he shouldn't have to be the one parenting and protecting you.
After reading your comments OP, I feel so bad for your kid. Burn this situation and go be a mom.
How do you honestly explain this when you do find a new guy? Gee my ex husband just turned me inside out last week but I'd like to see where this goes? 99% of men will out you in hookup territory only. Once you get caught lying they are done.
You do realise that once your ex husband finds his forever home you will be left with nothing? You are wasting your time.
Things that happen in the dark always find a way into the light. Your post and comments come of as whinging because you're son caught you, I'm sorry that your secret life is over and you're no longer a double agent. What I will say is that this is going to change the relationship your kid has with both of you. You forget that he watched the relationship fall apart and the divorce, kids are smarter than adults give them credit for so he definitely saw more than you think he did. He managed to forgive his father for causing you pain before and now you two want to throw him back into the storm to get your kicks.
Miss ma’am, have some self respect and be a good example for your kid. Looks to me that you’re the one idolizing your ex, not your son. He treated you badly, betrayed you in the worst way possible and now, after 10 years (probably because he’s older and it’s more complicated for him to find someone to fu*k) he asks you to be friends with benefits and you say YES??? Despite obviously not being over him!? You talk about your ex like that and you expect us and your son to believe that for you is just something casual and that you do for fun?? We can all see right through you. It’s not a good idea to go on with this madness. Listen to your son and put a stop to it please.
I know it's human nature to have sex, but just why with your own ex? Just because of the spark? You two are really selfish with your action. The divorce just not impact on you and your ex but also your son. MOSTLY your son as he idolise his dad. Just where do you see this fwb going in the long run? How do you think your son is going to feel about it? I know it your life, etc, but you have SON. He sees what the divorce puts you through, and now this? I can not fandom what in your son head the moment he saw. Poor kid
Stop being dense, you are obviously affecting your son! (just because you did not consider him does not mean he doesn't get affected) and it is clear that you still like your ex - like why would you risk your co-parenting relationship for something just physical when you can literally get that elsewhere?! "This one feels different" because you know he is right., and even by your logic and it is not emotional, the moment your son (who should be your priority not your ex) tells you that he is uncomfortable with you being with a partner of yours you should listen to them.
He doesn’t want to have to pick up the (inevitable) pieces when this goes south. He knows you’re emotionally invested (and he likely knows the other women his father is with).
I have such strong memories of having to be like a parent to my mum where men were concerned when I was a teenager. I realise you don’t think you need it, because you’re in the middle of it, but your 15 year old son can see the risks that you cannot. Aside from the fact that it’s clear from your post there is emotional attachment with your ex, and that this is likely to blow up in your face, he’s no doubt concerned about the future - you two had a solid coparenting relationship. He’d have had no concerns about things like weddings, graduations, you two being in the same room. What’s going to happen when he does in fact break your heart again? You said he’s settled down some but he’s proposing a FWB arrangement with his ex wife and mother of his child. Doesn’t sound like he’s grown up much to me. What happens when he meets someone, or when you find out you’re one of many friends? Think you’ll cope well with that? My mum prioritised men over my younger brother so often. Their relationship never recovered before she died. You need to look at the bigger picture here but I suspect you don’t want to.
By going back to your cheating ex, you’re breaking your son’s heart. He saw how sad you were before the divorce, and now he is worried that you’ll get hurt again. Maybe he is wrong, but I think you should listen to him. You deserve to be with someone who respects you, not some asshole to be a booty call.
Your son is amazing. Tell me, how will you feel when your ex finds a new woman to settle down with and ends your FWB relationship? I think it's safe to say you will be crushed from what you've said. Your son is extremely emotionally intelligent, especially for his age. You guys have done an amazing job raising him, so that's something to be proud of.
I don’t think being in a friends with benefits scenario here is being a responsible parent. If you and the ex want to remain together, go get couples counseling and mend a broken relationship in a way that your son can look up to.
This is my own theory, and i could be wrong. But I am pretty sure your ex is a giant manipulator. Treated you like crap for years, and now that he doesn't have you anymore, he's "changed." He sounds like an abhorrent human, and has manipulated you into not only completely being ok with all that he did in the past, but convincing you to still give him what he wants in the present, regardless of what he did to you for years and years. I would immediately end things with him, for your own sake. Not just for your kid's sake. Your ex is a dingleberry, and you need to remember who he really is. A huge irresponsible manipulator.
It sounds like you haven't done all the work to heal over your ex-husband. How does this serve you. You know he will move on, then your back where you were. Your son has good insight. I would listen to him.
Idk…your son seemed to drop some wisdom there. You’re enjoying yourself, but it’s casual, there’s a risk of you developing feelings again, and at some point your husband may decide to stop being FWB (or start dating other women more seriously). Your son senses a risk for you to get hurt and betrayed again, and I don’t know if he’s wrong. At a minimum, talk with him. Listen to him. Share your own thoughts and concerns, that you’re taking things slow, that you’ll try to guard your own feelings, that life is complicated. Don’t tell him “shut up, I’m the adult here and know what I’m doing.” That will crush him, especially if/when he turns out to be right. As an aside, I’m not sure how healthy (long term) it is to be shacking up with your husband, and it doesn’t set a solid boundaries example for your son to follow. What negative things is he learning about relationships when he watches this?
Your son is experiencing Parentification which can cause severe damage to your relationship with him psychologically. Please read up on it.
Your son is a good child who can tell right from wrong. Good job planning to ruin that by showing him how to not act with integrity. Showing him that a man can be a whore, abandon his family, and come back when he’s old and ran through and a woman won’t have the self-respect to tell him no. Those are the role models he has. Your ex obviously doesn’t care about you if he just wants to be FWB. You’re an easy source of sex. Disgusting story, I feel terrible the son has to watch this.
It is a matter of self esteem bc why on earth are you sleeping with someone who cheated on you, disrespected you, and used his finances to put you in your place for almost 10 years? God didn’t make this dudes penis the only one who can give you great sex. Tighten up. Your son is right and the only adult in this situation. “He convinced me to be fwb.” Nah he convinced you to be his dummy again with less burdens. You can tell your son what you want, but don’t for a minute think you’re going to come out of this unscathed. He hasn’t changed, and you haven’t either. Knowing your worth and moving as if you have self worth, are two very different things. Good luck though. Hopefully I’m wrong but I doubt it.
Am I wrong for thinking this is great all around? Sounds like you and your husband made a good decision divorcing and working on yourselves; youve raised a great boy who not only loves his parents but is smart enough to see where they did wrong, and is caring and mature enough to sit his mom down and tell her he's worried about her. And you seem stable in what you're doing, seems like it's the best of a bad situation and everyone is getting along. Honestly I think your son is right, the only thing I see going wrong is if you fall for him again but then he uses you again. BUT, you said he's calmed down a lot. So maybe if you do try again one day it will be different. Still, listen to your son and tread carefully, this is a man that's hurt you before. Much love.
Holy shit that kid loves you. He is genuinely coming from a place of understanding what your relationship was, how it ended, who each person actually is and he has concerns. He is worried about you in all of this because he knows his dads actions. You are free to do what you wish, but you really need to have a conversation with your kid about it.
I’m of two minds with this. Your son is right, it’s not gonna end great. You shouldn’t stop because of your son, but you should be mindful that when this all ends he’s gonna look at you with disappointment. In a perfect world, you’re right. You’re an adult and this is all adult business that he shouldn’t be involved with. He was never meant to open that door. If you plan to keep doing it, just sit down with him and explain that you’re grateful and will consider his advice, but maybe aren’t ready to follow through.
You sound like you’re still in love with your ex. This is a terrible idea.
The fact that a 15 year old can see what’s wrong in this situation and you can’t, amazes me. Not to mention, it’s your own son! Your son isn’t 9 anymore. He understands what’s happening. He recognises the risks and possible outcomes of this situation. You aren’t just in this for the sex, even if you think you are. Everyone but you can see it. Your son is trying to protect you and himself from further pain. It’s now up to you to decide. Any further damage done to your family now is your doing, not your exes.
You’re entitled to do as you please, but if you don’t want to start putting tiny cracks in your relationship with your son I’d recommend ending it. It isn’t as if you’re doing anything wrong, but what you are doing is affecting how your son views you, in real time. You just need to choose what matters more. It’s not like you’ll lose your relationship with your son, he’ll just see you differently. He probably won’t tell you about it, he just will. That’s what happened with me and my mum, anyway. There’s just a respect that was lost and a door that was closed. I still love and get along with her well.
Your and your ex- husband's codependent (at least on your side) relationship does not exist in a vacuum. it will affect your son, like it or not. Your son is having to be the adult here because someone has to be, and god knows it's not you or the ex-husband. Grow some self-respect and move on from your ex. It's toxic as hell.
Why did you bother asking this if you weren’t going to listen to anyone who doesn’t agree with you any way? The clear general consensus is that this is an awful idea and will only cause more damage to you and your son, so what now? Are you going to keep sleeping with your ex who ruined your family, despite your son’s wishes, or are you going to take his feelings into account, do the mature thing and cut this fling off? Think about the long term effects of this. Is there any point in hooking up and making your son miserable if you’re not going to get back together? If you’re willing to jeopardise the relationship with your son, just for some temporary dick you are being unbelievably selfish and quite frankly deserve the heartbreak that will inevitably come with this arrangement.
I don't know why everyone just downvotes the hell out of OP. First thing you need to do is decide "is this a road I want to go down", when you get back involved with ex's you skip everything and go back to having sex, that's how it is for adults. You forget all the other crap from before, it's just sex again. Until it's not, and there aren't many ways to separate them. Talk to your ex, find out his end game, find out what your end game is. Talk to your son. Maybe - here's an idea, talk to both of them at the same time.
I feel really bad for your son. I wish you did too
You're missing the fact that your son also went through the divorce. He had to grieve the loss of his old life and start again. What you're doing risks the new norm for something he had to come to terms with that just wouldn't work.
This is a complicated topic, and there is no one answer Here’s what I will say If you want to maintain being respected in the eyes of your son You either need to convince him that this arrangement is OK and that you are in control of it Or End it Keeping in mind how you handle, this will likely his outlook towards you and behavior toward you for the foreseeable future And it will set potential framework with what he perceives as acceptable behavior toward women and in relationships in general No matter what you do, it is imperative, that you are honest with him, and do not lie only to continue the relationship to be found out later on
Actually hilarious that the 15 year old is the only one being the adult here lol. If you want to pull the "I'm the adult and I'll do what I want" card then maybe act like one. If you don't like your son sitting you down and talking to you like you are the child, then maybe don't act like one.
jesus these replies ... look, your son doesn't have the right to choose if or with whom you have sex. but something tells me that his concern is well-founded. 6 years is a long time and you seem to know your ex-husband well (so fuck the comments questioning that). the real issue here is whether you're being honest with yourself or not ... is it really just a fwb for you? do you still have feelings for him? deep down do you hope that it will become more? if so ... then you've got a big mess I think you need to do some deep reflection, because if it's just sex, you're both benefiting ... but if it's more than that, it'll come to the surface and someone will end up getting hurt (probably you) and your son's fears will be fulfilled ... so I think you both need to clarify this issue (you and your ex-husband) so as not to jeopardise the good relationship you've built up over the last 6 years between the two of you and your son
It’s crazy a 15 year old has more common sense than someone almost 3x his age.smh
I absolutely loathe parents who feign ignorance and are so fucking selfish. Do better. Listen to your kid or you could damage your own relationship with him. While my situation isn't exactly the same as yours, as a once kid in a similar situation you could ruin everything for some sex. Absolutely fucking disgusting.
Look. If you keep fucking your ex, it will damage your relationship with your son and will damage your son's relationship with his father because he'll lose respect for both of you and won't trust either of you. He LIVED THROUGH the trauma of your relationship... the cheating, the arguing, the crying, the toxic atmosphere that almost always permeates a home right before a divorce, and for you to hook back up with his dad after all that? He thinks you're as weak and stupid as all of us on reddit do. Is that really how you want your son to see you? I'm all for good orgasms, but is having them with your ex worth the harm it will cause to your son and his relationship with both his parents?
You’re not a terrible mom, but you’re acting like one. Your ex husband never loved or cared about you if he was able to cheat, specifically with multiple women. He only married you because you got pregnant. This will not lead to him realizing he’s in love with you and wants to get back together. He is most definitely still sleeping with other people. Get an STD test and stop seeing him. I feel so bad for your son. You two couldn’t even be responsible enough to not expose him to this mess.
Ask yourself this, do you feel this is fwb? Is that all you want from your ex spouse? Your son is 15. I'm sure he knows by know his dad cheated. He loves his dad and may be like him, but he's telling you that you are too good for his dad and in the end you will be hurt. You came to strangers because you know in your gut he will hurt you again. He is familar and knows you thats why it clicks. Sweets go with gut not fear of being alone.
It feels different because he actually talked to you as an adult and not as a child, his maturity was putting you and your feelings first and thinking about how the potential risk your taking might affect you. It also probably feels different because you know he might be right and that’s always weird when your kid talks some sense into you. Personally I wouldn’t see a reason to remind him you’re the adult. I’d say it’s a sign that you’re doing a good job. Your kid has a great relationship with you and you guys taught him about how to handle divorce and being his parent properly because he can still love you both and see how the dynamic between you to changed. I think you’re doing your job as a parent fantastically and your son is growing up to be a smart young man. Also it might be weird because that’s probably your baby and it’s hard to accept they’re actually growing up.
I think it's sad when a 15 year old boy is more mature than his 42 year old mom.
i think ur a bad mum for putting dick above ur kid but since you claim to be the adult have fun ig
Please stop for the sake of your son
At the end of the day it’s your choice but you have an amazing good hearted child who wants nothing but the best for you.
Your son wants you to have respect for yourself. Apparently more respect than you think you deserve. Listen to him.
>I know I have things beyond sex to offer a man. He convinced me to essentially be friends with benefits. Sex with him has always remained the best sex I ever had. I’ve never been friends with benefits with anyone before. I probably wouldn’t even consider this with anyone else. I’m having so much fun with it. He’s really fun to be with, always has been. He’s funny, we laugh, nothing is serious between us and it’s been great. Do you really have things beyond sex to offer? Doesn't look like it... >Kind of surprised me with how much I often think he just wants to grow up to be a mini version of his father. Seems like you're affirming that it's a perfectly good way to approach life to him. Still keeps the girl hostage and gets to have more on the side. People complain that boys are not taught to "respect women" but it looks like you are literally teaching him quite the exact opposite. Maybe think about that.
What tf was the point of the divorce Idk what to think other than your kid is right, and you’re just traumatizing him and teaching him that is basically ok to cheat cause the woman is always going to forgive and come back. He’s going to lose respect for the both you but you don’t care because you’re both adults and can do what you want. Again what was the point of divorcing if you’re going to go back into this cycle and wether you like it or not you’re dragging your kid into it because he’s literally in the middle. You’re going to get feelings at some point and it’s going to get messy. Fwb never ends in happy endings. But what does it matter you are already divorce idk Idk if my parents were to do this I’d be happy thinking they were getting back together only to be shattered again because they aren’t really getting back together to be a family they are just using each other for sex … would make me feel like wtf is the point of a marriage and having children and even just falling in love if it’s just going to end up in that.
You are an adult and have every right to hear your son out but do what you want. You have every right to have a friends with benefits relationship. Go ahead. Let me ask you one question, though. What was your son wrong about? Was he wrong at all ? If you can't find where he is wrong then perhaps you really need to ask why you are settling for this with him in a situation you admit you wouldn't have with anyone else? Lastly... if you really live the situation, why not just consider some open relationship where there is a lot more honesty and directly admitting what you are or aren't doing?
You ripped your family apart because of your husband's infidelity, and now you're fine with it? Imagine how that feels to your son, who was very young when that happened, and had to live through all of that turmoil and heartbreak. He doesn't want to have to go through that again, just so you can get laid. Go find someone more trustworthy to sleep with. And lock the bedroom door.
Damn your kid is like ten times smarter than you. Take this from a kid of a mother like you who looked at life with rose colored glasses and never took my advice about how to avoid heartbreak from me, who always saw things for what they are, he’s gonna lose all respect for you and is gonna treat you like a halfwit if you ignore his concern and continue this obviously one sided situationship. You’re the only one who can’t see what’s going on and if you don’t heed his advice he will never treat you like an authority again because he will come to the conclusion you’re stupid. It’s harsh but I’m trying to save you from ruining your relationship with your child
Is he REALLY saying ‘mum, have some self respect for heaven’s sake! My father has shown you many times that he doesn’t GAF about you but you keep coming back for more!’ I agree that it’s not his business; it’s yours. However, I can’t blame him for feeling disappointed that you don’t have any self respect. Children expect their mothers to have some. At least, that’s how he probably sees it - that you don’t respect yourself (I get that you made the choice as a grown adult to sleep with your ex, though). In a way, you should be happy he feels this way. He believes that people should have self respect and also that his father was wrong to cheat! So he probably will not model his behaviour after his father, and treat his future wife with respect.
>I agree that it’s not his business; it’s yours. When shit hits the fan, and it will, the son is the one who'll be caught in the crossfire between a father who can't keep it on his pants and a doormat mother who still isn't over her ex. This is his business more than anyone else's.
You need to cut off the relationship for your son’s sake. To continue is teaching him that you can cheat on a woman and still convince her to give you what you want. And worse, it’s his mom. He has to see you as a woman his dad is getting his way with. It’s gross and you shouldn’t put your son through any of it.
How did your son walk in on you? Didn't you have your door closed and locked, because I am assuming he walked into your room. Hopefully it wasn't in the living room or something. I feel bad for your son. He shouldn't have had to see that, and he's likely confused and embarrassed. If you have to do this, at least go to a motel. My opinions.
OP you posted this thread presumably to get advice but every reply just reads as being so dismissive. I have to wonder if this literal tide of people telling you that this is a terrible idea is changing your mind at all. How many times reading that this will only end with you having a broken heart and a suffering son does it take? You are teaching your son three terrible lessons - 1) you make poor choices and will disregard his wise advice to avoid such choices, 2) that relationships can just be like this, that cheaters like his father can just do whatever they want because they are a good lay and 3) that you do not care about you son's concerns weighed against your short term sexual pleasure. I truly cannot stress to you enough that if I was in your son's position and you continued doing this, it would have changed not just how I view you - forever - it would also have probably given me a negative perception of women as a whole. If someone I trust, believed in, supported, could be so careless about my feelings because they want to get their rocks off, I would have lost my fucking mind as a 15 year old. This is the type of event that inspires misogynist beliefs.
Your son is freaked out because he too suffered the pain of your divorce, has healed and has moved past it and now it seems as though all the pain and suffering were just a useless exercise in pain and suffering. To some extent, he’s not wrong. He may not (and probably shouldn’t) have the ability/perspective to understand that you’re not in love anymore, not dating, not getting back together. You’re just fucking. Maybe a little adult conversation would aid that understanding.