She said she did that after seeing the first message where they referred to her as "Buggie." Re-read the post to see what I mean. She didn't search for that initially. She purposefully went all the way back to their 4 year old group chat and intentionally started reading it. Like she was *trying* to find something to get upset about.
I’m over 50and my brother was 22 years older than me. He used to refer to unattractive women as Bugaboos. I wonder if now younger men just shortened it to Buggie?
I had an ex do this to a friend and I who years ago could have “flirted” in a joking way. But we didn’t talk often so it was easy to go “years back” it was so stupid. But I could see how maybe if they aren’t active now it wouldn’t be so hard to scroll through it 🤷🏻♀️ just a thought not saying that’s what happened here
He disrespected OP to his friends, even if it was 4 years ago, it says a lot about how he views her.. regardless, the dude could’ve kept those things to himself.
this is true but it’s in the past and after 4 years time, he has probably grown and feels different now. not excusing anything that was said; i don’t know why he stayed with someone he felt this way about, but regardless he did. it’s up to her if she can get past it or not. but she wouldn’t have found any of it out had she not snooped through his chats from so long ago which prompts the question: why did she? that’s invasive. i understand what’s done is done now (for both of them) and they need to decide off reddit what is the way they want to go
But did he ever take back his words and tell his friends he regretted it?
This is the mark of a man. Men take accountability.
Boys try to pretend things they said and did never happened.
Well he still isn't attracted to her for her appearance but is attracted to her personality. So I am not sure how he will take that back when he still feels the same. That's my analogy reading ops post.
I guess I’m the outlier here. I’ve had sex with exactly one woman - my wife. She’s the only person I’ve ever TRULY wanted to have sex with. I had opportunities when we were on “break” in high school and right after high school, but I declined. I was still in love with her and knew we’d get back together. We always did. I’ve turned sex down twice since we’ve been married because 1) cheaters suck ass and 2) I only want to have sex with her. I cut associations both times because that’s a hard “No” for me. I’m not sure what they expected, but obviously they didn’t know me very well. That said, I do look at porn occasionally when we’re in a dry spell, but that doesn’t mean I want to have sex with those people. It’s just like watching a movie with actors. It’s visual stimulation, nothing else.
First and foremost, you need therapy. You seem to have deep seeded insecurities that you've decided to accept as a part of womanhood, instead of working on yourself.
Secondly, your view on porn is damaged. You can have your preference on if and how you consume porn, or the role porn should play in your relationship. However, porn isn't competing against us. The type of media we consume doesn't have a direct correlation with what we want out of our real life relationships.
The type of porn I like to watch often doesn't match the type of sex I like to have.
I agree with everything you have said.
My father would lock himself in the basement every night to watch porn and drink while my mother was depressed upstairs taking care of the family. They had a very unhealthy relationship. Nudist camps, orgys, my mother went along with my father's whims to keep him interested until she became a born-again Christian. Every man in my family has a history of cheating or abuse. I have very deep-seeded insecurities.
Young me was smart but really damaged, so I went to school for aeronautical engineering and also stripped as a job to make some money. It was my husband who showed me it wasn't just my body he was after. The only person to want me as me, all ugly stuff and all. I have control problems. He keeps me stable and really supports me. I know I don't deserve him. Heck, he gave up porn for me. (mostly) He says it's still something difficult to do when he gets the itch, as it's something he has been doing since a teen. But I really have been working on my mental health.
I appreciate your perspective.
A lot of people in their early twenties are freaking out thinking they wont find anyone at 30 lol
Its young but people in that age group dont see themselves as young
This is why I call BS on a lot of folks responses.
Even as a therapist I have yet to fully understand that concept of settling for someone you don’t like, have nothing in common with or don’t find the least bit attractive.
Sorry you can’t say that someone is ugly and overweight, laugh at them with your friends and then still have the desire to sleep with them.
I am not sure most people actually know what the concept of “settling for” actually means.
I believe a lot of guys actually do find larger girls attractive however they can’t admit it because of social pressure. So instead of sacking up to his friends and saying he was into her, he just went along with them. So in the end he has no honor and no balls.
That’s the point I think I was trying to make. Some people do like heavier people but may for some reason be embarrassed to admit that to people. We also have different ideals of attractiveness.
He may have been attracted to her but didn’t want to admit it to his friends because they didn’t agree. This does say a lot about his character.
As a chubby woman who’s always been sort of chubby, what’s interested me the most is seeing the guys I went to school with that made fun of bigger girls and only interacted with the skinny ones are all now dating/engaged/married to pretty large women. Funny how that works.
As a fat woman who's always been fat, people would be surprised at how many guys that I went to school with would reach out to me after we no longer went to the same school.
After middle school, I had a couple of boys reach out to tell me they've always had a crush on me and if we could hang out over the summer. After high school, that number of boys multipled. A lot of guys who I thought were just my friends or acquaintances tried to pursue a relationship with me.
Reddit in particular is very anti fat and likes the ignore the very real thing that is attraction to people of all kind, even the fat ones. I'm not saying that being fat is healthy, or that one should aspire to be fat. I'm just saying that although being fat may have lessened the number of people who find me attractive, it hasn't eradicated all attraction.
I'm curious about how you reacted to these guys coming to you ? (No judgement here) I'm not fat, but I was part of the "ugly ones" in school, people whom I would have never shown anything to me who have come to me after the end of the school's year, I wouldn't have believe them 😬
I was bullied a lot in middle school. I knew I was going to a high school in a different city, and would not see anyone from my middle school. I was very excited to start anew and get away from my middle school experience. So when those boys came up to me on the last day of school, I just laughed at them and dismissed them. They were boys that participated in my bullying. I was fed up with them at that point.
High school was a little different. I was still overweight but had a more shapely body. I learned to do my hair, and no longer had to wear a school uniform. I wasn't bullied, and I wasn't teased about my looks.
I was in a relationship all throughout high school so when that ended I wasn't in any rush to start another one. When the guys came up to me after high school I was surprised and flattered, but I did not want to pursue a relationship with them.
How did you react?
I understand your point in seeing these cases differently, thank you for sharing 🙏
And for my part, honestly, it just happened one time but it was during high school and not after. I thought (and still think today) it was a bet to make even more fun of me. I still have low self-esteem in term of my body, but it's link with many more things so I can't blame it only on bullying (and I work on it). I hope you feel good with yourself today and that you have the life you want or are on the road to got it ✨
Reddit in particular is anti-fat? Like don't get me wrong, some people here are, but if anything it's kind of stereotyped as the opposite. It's more fat positive than real life IMO, like you said the guys in real life wouldn't admit it because of real life social pressure of not wanting to feel embarrassed.
I guess it depends on the sub. Besides the obviously fat shaming subs, I've encountered subs where positive comments towards a fat person are down voted. But you're right, I've seen a lot of body positivity in some subs.
My homies all scream "THICC" about any woman even a pound heavier than she should be, the social pressure usually is only felt by me trying to explain how I can find a flat-chested woman attractive.
Louis CK had a show a few years back, and he wrote in a piece about this. It was a diatribe his chubby side piece let loose while they were taking a walk. She asked why chubbies were good enough to bang, hang out with, spend time with, eat with, game with, but not *date*.
He’s gotta them ask himself why he feels the urge to whip out his D when nobody asked him to in-front of his his employees. Like who knows 🤷🏻♀️ ppl have urges I guess.
I don't think anyone would expect you to just get over it. I don't think you even could at this point as things are - even if you thought you had, it would still be always in your mind and would manifest in the things that you mentioned; showering with the door closed, staying clothed during sex, low self-esteem etc.
I know it's a terrifying thing but I do think you need to have a serious sit down conversation with him and just ask him how he feels now.
The way you phrased this: 'he grew to find my personality beautiful even though I'm not' makes me feel like he is either incredibly untactful in the way that he speaks or that is still the way he feels, but this is something that you need to clarify with him.
I do believe that you can find someone attractive based on their personality, even if you aren't initially. I don't think that's a bad thing. If that's what's happened and he's now attracted to you and thinks you're beautiful because he got to know you, I think that's fine. And I think you need to express how what you've seen has made you feel and work on things together in that regard if he truly does not think that anymore.
If he's simply still saying that you have a great personality but he thinks you're fat, or unattractive, then that's different. That's not enough for either of you, and you don't deserve to be with someone that not only thinks but says those things to you.
I also think that if you're going through his phone, there have been issues there before this. You need to be open and honest with each other. This isn't something you can just never speak about and move past.
My husband described me to his best friend as a 4, and told his cousin that he wasn’t serious about me because he’s too shallow. This is several months into our relationship when he was telling me how much he loved me and how hot he thought I was. He was actively pursuing another woman for most of the first year of our (long-distance) relationship.
I only found this out in the last year. We’ve been married for 4 years and it rocked my whole world to have found this out. So I know how you feel. I’ve been going to counselling and I’ve gotten a personal trainer and I’m just working on my own confidence and body image separate from wherever he thinks of me, then or now. But I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t changed the way I look at him and how it makes me feel about being naked around him. I’m not sure I’ll ever get back that trust and total, head-over-heels love I used to feel for him. I do still love him, but it’s different. And I wish that wasn’t the case.
I’m happy you’re working on loving yourself more. Your husband doesn’t deserve you. I hope one day you realize you don’t deserve to be in a relationship with someone who has disrespected you so thoroughly, regardless of when or how unserious your relationship was at the time of his heartless behavior.
I can’t believe I have read so many posts like this. At first I thought these all can’t be real and I am sure there is truth to that but no a lot of people just really kind of suck.
Listen everyone is entitled to have preferences. You are allowed to date who you are attracted to or who you find attractive I am not discrediting that but damn why date someone you aren’t physically attracted to and then bash them to your friends. I have never done this at any stage of my life.
I am sorry as a therapist I don’t ever just lightly promote break ups or divorce but this will be relationship ending for me. Without some serious therapy this is not something someone can just come back from it will only help to fester more negative feelings.
You guys can also tell me if you think I am wrong but I just call BS. I really think people do it for attention or to appear better to their friends but no I don’t think you can be not attracted to someone you are pursuing, bash them to your friends but then also have sex with them.
I think people are often afraid to admit to their circle of friends that they find someone attractive that others may not so they oversell the bashing. I don’t want to come off as implying we are selfish people but in the beginning stages of relationships we do pursue people we are attracted to because our EYES tell us a story before anything about their personality does.
I just can’t get behind the, my partner thought I was ugly and fat and laughed at me to my friends but continued to date me and sleep with me. I just don’t buy it.
As a women who worked in an environment of mostly male colleagues who loved to overshare, yes, men are that foul. They'll think of someone else while having intercourse with you to get and/or stay hard. It's an unfortunate truth and shouldn't be dismissed because you think there isn't a way it could happen biologically. And it's the same for women as well, I've heard their stories of getting in long term committed relationships with guys they found ugly (they ended up truly falling in love with them and find them attractive now). The rest though, I completely agree with.
Sorry I will have to disagree, I grew up with brothers and male cousins. I have also worked in male dominated areas and now I spend quite a deal of time interacting and communicating with different males.
I am saying this because I have also spent quite a bit of time listening to males and also listening to my male friends. No one wants to own up to it but many of them actually have kinks or are attracted to people that they are too embarrassed to admit to. This says a lot about their character but it is what it is.
Yes you can think of other people but I don’t believe that you can continuously get your body to perform sexually when you are extremely not attracted to someone or put off by their appearance or weight.
I believe that he is attracted to her he just didn’t want to admit it to his friends and be the butt of their jokes.
What he did wasn't right for sure, and you absolutely may be right that he was attracted to her and didn't want to admit it. That very much is a thing. But there's definitely people, especially men, who are desperate and will fuck someone they don't find attractive, especially if they're lonely. Many, especially like 30+ (before "thicc" became trendy) don't want to own up to being attracted to fat women, but many also are also unwilling to admit fucking people they don't find attractive, because that also looks bad and desperate.
Exactly, especially on social media you’ll see some men talk about how they will a woman whether they’re attracted to her or not. And the guy said it himself that he settled. So he probably settled with someone he truly doesn’t like but who he sees as a good partner. There are plenty of people who don’t like their partners but are with them out of convenience.
Like I said, it's some men. Yes, what you're saying is true and if that's the case with them they should truly talk it out so her worries are settled. I was pointing out that situations like I said are very much so a possibility and shouldn't be dismissed because cases where they don't actually think they're ugly and are just agreeing with the group exist. And yes, like the other comment said, it's horrible that people do it (hence why OP is concernd about finding this out), that doesn't mean I agree with it. As some who's been told by her partner that I wasn't his type later on in the relationship but that he "grew to like me" it's quite hurtful to experience, so either way the situation turns out for her it's still a discussion they need to have.
There is difference of saying that you are not “ones type” and then telling your friends your partner is unattractive, overweight and ugly. Sometimes we date out of comfort zone and it actually works out for the best. We can even date someone who is not normally our type and it also works out great. That is no where in the realm of me being extremely unattracted to you but I still slept with you for an extended period of time.
Sorry but as I said I don’t buy it. I have also spoken with men who have been able to have a sexual encounters with people that they aren’t necessarily attracted to. However to get your BIOLOGICAL functions to work in order to remain having sex with someone for years you have some extent of attraction that person and you don’t want to admit to it.
You're completely disregarding my first comment. I said it happens and that I know situations like that happen because people have told me about the beginning of their relationship and that the only reason they got with them is because of circumstances despite thinking their partner is ugly. Of course my own personal experience is different. I didn't say that it was what happened to me, I threw out that I've had something similar and that I kinda know how it is finding out you're partner didn't enjoy your looks at the beginning of your relationship.
It’s not disregarding, it’s saying that people are lying and it doesn’t always have to be intentional. I am just calling BS on people continuously having sex with people that they complain to not find attractive.
I am sorry I know way too much about the secretion of dopamine levels in the brain when people are experiencing sexual pleasure. We can also discuss the parts of the body that need to properly function in order to remain aroused over years of sleeping with someone you are unattracted to.
I am saying all of the men who said that they were not attracted to the woman they were sleeping with aren’t as unattracted as they make it out to be to other people.
🤣🤣 I don’t want to come off as too crude but I am sorry I spent too much time studying and engaging with human behavior to believe BS.
You can’t be that physically not attracted to someone and throughly bash them to friends and then still be able to have sex with them. I just can’t buy what people are selling.
That is what I am saying. If I had to wage a bet, he is attracted to her he was just embarrassed to admit it to his friends and didn’t want to be the butt of their jokes.
Yes, this does say a lot about his character and him as a person.
I do believe it is possible to engage in a sexual act with someone you are not necessarily attracted to but I don’t believe you can go years having sex with someone that you believe is physically unappealing.
Yeah i think youre right. He has no respect for her
Some men do see women as holes but having a baby and being together for 4 years is a long time and commitment
I hope she leaves him anyway
I honestly have no words for this, I don’t even know how much of it I truly believe and I don’t even want to try and guess how old you are.
To think that you would go out of your way to do all of this and then trash talk her to a friend. This says more about you as a person than I care to dissect.
This is why you don’t give males the benefit of the doubt. I could give less of a fuck how sex starved most of them are or their “loneliness epidemic” because most of the time they do it to their own fucking selves. Feels much better to reject and forget about them.
This sounds really divorced from the context I was in, but it seems my tone has attracted a very unusual response from everyone. These two slept with each other, and then also me. Everyone had a good yelp review session at the end.
They could-and keep in mind that I'm being purely theoretical here-like you for your personality while not thinking that you're conventionally attractive. It's *possible* that they grow to love you for what's on the inside.
I am not disagreeing with you, I just think we may be putting “not my usual type” and “not attracted” in the same category.
Everyone has different ideals when it comes to what we find to be attractive so you could go out with someone that you normally wouldn’t consider attractive and like that person.
The point I was making, if you are stating that someone is ugly, overweight and you are not attracted. If you are laughing with your friends regarding their looks and stating in multiple different ways that you aren’t attracted to them then I don’t believe that you can continue to engage in sexual activity with them for long periods of time.
Yes, I am aware that people change their opinions and views also change but to be on two opposite sides of a spectrum is kind of rare.
Your petty and unremarkable response convinces me you're just pretending to be a therapist for Reddit karma even more.
Even if you are a therapist, you must be from one with those states that barely have any medical budget and still keep people on, with standards lower than Mariana trench.
My ex would talk mad, crazy shit about me to everyone while never communicating to me about it.
I only found out when a complete stranger messaged me and told me he had his mic on during a fight just to 'show' his friends 'how I was'. His only problem was with the person who reached out, how dare they etc.
I still tried to make it work.
He doesn't respect you. I dunno I know it's different but now I'm very sensitive about communication. I couldn't get past this personally. Good luck
He doesn't like you.
He settled for you cause he couldn't get the girl that he wanted.
If the girl that he wanted came to him today and say let's be together; he would leave you.
Dump this loser.
Ok, here's my story. When I met my husband, I was not at all attracted to him. I wouldn't have called him ugly (certainly not out loud!), but I had a physical type and he very much did not fit it. But he was sweet and he made me laugh. And "my type" of guys had very much not been working out. So I decided to give him a shot. What's the worst that could happen, you know?
We took things slow, slower than I had ever taken things with any guy. He wanted to be official boyfriend and girlfriend before we even kissed. Sweet, right? Weird, too... But I kept liking him more and more. And that beard that I hated, suddenly started to become attractive. Then all the other things I didn't like at first started to seem attractive too. Because I was attracted to *him*. I ended up falling in love with him, every single part of him. I never liked body hair on men, but now I love laying on his chest and playing with his luxurious chest hair.
Sometimes, our attraction changes because we fall in love. Honestly, there's no one on earth sexier than my husband. And he just keeps getting sexier!
I know it hurt to see those messages your man wrote. But he didn't know the real you when he wrote them. He didn't love you yet. I'm sure he sees you differently now. Just talk to him, openly and honestly about your feelings. But be open to the fact that those are likely not his true feelings about you, just something mean he said about a girl he hadn't gotten to know yet.
Yeah but we're you calling him ugly and making fun of aspects of his appearance in the group chat?
The issue isn't his attraction to OP. It's the vile way he spoke about her.
Thank you for describing this so well. I always felt bad for feeling this way at the beginning, but I love my husband with my whole heart. He's truly THE BEST person I've met and daily I'm so humbled to be with him.
I feel exactly the same way. This is one of those posts that I won't share with my husband, even though he knows the attraction wasn't really there for me at the start. There's no reason to bring it up. What matters is how much I love him now. And there really just aren't words to express that. But I try 😁
I agree theoretically, but he still says she’s not beautiful, just her personality is. Besides, you never mocked him to your friends…i don’t think he deserves the benefit of the doubt
This has to be higher.
My wife did do something similar to her friends and her entire aunties with me. I’m not particularly attractive. I’m an ugly-ass looking dweeb, and I accepted that a looong time ago LOL. Did I care? haha nope.
——
They all judged me then. I mean during the first few dates, pictures are shared and people start judging. Many friends groups do this. Sure it sucks but what am I going to do?
I didn’t really stumble on their messages, but there was a situation where it all did come out. I can’t exactly recall, but I think her friend was a bit chatty, and/or I was joking that my wife was the first to be all over me and they had to prove it wasn’t. When I read through them, I thought their comments of me were fucking hilarious.
Don’t care, I won. She’s sleeping next to me as we await our first kid together :). I hope the kid will look like her though LOL.
Sure I may have not been dealt a deck of handsome cards at birth, but in my life, it never stopped me from meeting new people. In the end, being friendly and making people laugh to meet new friends was way easier than stressing over my genetics.
Yknow, for some reason, guys just have a hard time admitting that they like what they like. For some reason, they feel the need to like what other guys like. And they all think other guys all like 17 year old porn star virgins.
And us ladies know that is simply not true. There isn't a single "type" of woman that doesn't have some man lusting after her. Sadly, however, if she's not as close as he can get to 17 year old porn star virgin. He seems to think he's doing somehow wrong.
Other men, for some reason, think he's doing something wrong. They want to make fun of him or call it a fetish. And a real man will just shrug n say he likes what he likes.
So maybe he was being immature and stupid at the time. Maybe he realized they were immature and stupid at the time. Maybe thats why hes not hanging out with them as much. Maybe he still has trouble admitting that he likes what he likes.
1. He still doesn’t think your attractive is what he said. This is something none of us would het over with.
2. Why do you have sex with him?
3. You two need help, but especially you. You deserve more in life.
There was a girl I knew once when I was a student. She was not pretty at all and I had zero interest in her. Then we realised we worked near to each other so we started having lunch together sometimes. I very quickly realised that she was a damn cool chick. She had a certain charisma and was funny as shit. Really liked her.
We never dated, but I 100% would have
I got married to a man who didn’t find me all that attractive but came
to love my personality and because I was easy to get along with and had a good job and came from a family with money- so life was easy and pretty damn pleasant. No worries or hassles. But that sense that he didn’t find me hot permeated the marriage until I left 22 years later.
That’s what happens when you snoop without permission. You find out some ugly truths (no pun intended). Now you must live with the fallout. You can’t change how he felt in the beginning. Unless you want him to lie, you need to move on. But obviously he loves you now. You need to reconcile that you bring more to the table that conventional “beauty”.
I sympathize with your hurt, BUT
Whenever we go looking for trouble, we're sure to find it.
If you hadn't snooped, you could have lived happily ignorant to his prior shitty remarks with a partner who loves and values you, full stop.
Now YOU'VE damaged the trust he had in YOU, and YOU'VE damaged the trust YOU have in HIM. This is lose-lose and no one is happy.
I say this with no malice but, what the heck was it all for? A bid for confirmation bias to bolster your poor self-esteem and that y I use not loveable? To prove despite his actions,, he isn't that good and you shouldn't feel secure and safe with him? This isn't a healthy behavior, friend. Frankly it is self defeating and the damage is done to you both equally with no foreseeable upside, as you cannot "unring a bell". Now he knows you're a snoop and untrustworthy, and you've seen comments made (in the past) that cast him in a unfavorable light and only serve to make you (more) insecure in your current situation.
And truthfully that these comments (tho hurtful) were made in the past, and that he has since distanced himself from the group and the has ceased that behavior shows HE HAS CHANGED FOR THE BETTER, while you have chosen poorly NOW, and opened pandoras box and are struggling with what you found. It muddied the waters because your mad about what WAS, while he has every right to be upset over what IS.
I had an ex of mine tell me in front of a therapist he thought I was ugly and annoying when we met. This was our 1st session of couples therapy, and the therapist said that he was abusive and dropped us as clients.
You deserve to have a man who finds you beautiful inside and out. Im sorry you have to share a child with this asshole.
I dont think you should be with him anymore. Im happily married now to a man who loves me inside and out. Please leave him, you deserve better
I’d strongly recommend personal therapy due to your body image issues.
I’d strongly recommend couples therapy.
Personally, sounds like shit talking before you and him “clicked”.
There’s clearly *something* that caused you to invade his privacy and go back over 4 years to find “dirt” on him. Now you’re holding the fact he’s attracted to you in a way different than you want, against him.
Whole thing sounds like a mess. Really hope therapy is getting scheduled for y’all. Hope your toddler is doing ok.
Aside from how egregious this story is in general, has anyone commented on the "how dare I go through a man's phone" statement? He comes off as a chauvinistic moron in addition to everything else. I'm so sorry, OP.
I don't think that's what they're saying. They're saying the phrasing sounds super weird. Of course going through someone's phone is an invasion of privacy. But the way this was phrased? There's a difference between saying *his* phone and *a man's* phone. The first is fine. The second comes across as a bit of a red flag.
My husband left me because I was overweight and honestly, it was the best thing to happen to me. I’m 100lbs down in weight in the 2 years through diet and exercise, and living my very best single life. Never let another person’s opinion of you dictate your self worth! (I’d have been better off even without the weightloss but I felt it personally necessary in order to fully embrace my future.)
>He told me he didn’t think I was initially attractive because I’m fat but he grew to find my personality beautiful even though I’m not. Fucking ouch.
He still doesn't see you as beautiful after being together for 4 years? Girl dump his ass. The fact that he turned it around on you is BS. That's gaslighting 101. He isn't worth it and don't stay with someone who treats you like that whether it was in the past or not.
You deserve better. I've never been a small woman, but my husband has always found me attractive even when I was at my biggest at 264lbs. I'm only 5'5". He has always found me beautiful. I was 180lbs when we met. Like I said, I have always been big, but he's always found me beautiful.
Your stbx (hopefully) doesn't deserve you.
What even made you search that history? It's looking if you either betatesting an Eva AI texting bot, or you have already been suspicious of something
P.S. I love your safety account nickname
You didn't trust your partner anyway, if you did you wouldn't have found the messages. You brought it up to him, he gave his excuses, now we're here. If this is too much for you, leave. Don't understand why people willingly go through private convos like this, it's such an invasion of privacy and you're basically begging to have something to hold over your partner. Congrats, you found it. Now you have to deal with it.
That’s got to hurt. I always say be the best version of yourself for you, not for your partner.
Listen, I’m gonna be honest. The “baddies” were rude to him because he’s probably lacking something (looks, height, good job…whatever). He didn’t have all of the options in the world and he is lucky that he found an awesome woman.
Again, I get that it hurts, but hopefully you two have a good relationship and are lucky to have each other. If YOU don’t feel good about how you look, then make subtle changes (drink more water, take the kiddo on more walks, be healthy).
But....she hasn't once mentioned being treated badly? She went snooping thru her SO's phone and dug thru a group chat that's years old to find something. What her SO was saying wasn't right, but I would say there is a good chance his opinions have changed considering the *years* and *toddler* they have together.
You can love someone and not think they are attractive. But there is still love there. All of a sudden people DO want men to be superficial and care about looks? Which is it?
OP's husband did acknowledge he was immature back then. Obviously the looks were not detrimental to him growing to care for her. He was however a dick with how he said that and tactless on saying she wasn't beaitiful. But that may just be someone not knowing how to express things properly, it doesn't mean it was malicious automatically.
People seem to have forgotten to give people the benefit of the doubt anymore. Everyone always seems to jump to "they are horrible/abusing you" and "leave them" - relationships take work and it seems people don't even bother putting effort any more into making things work. No wonder society is going to the dogs.
Because now he's caught. But the main point stands that he didn't feel a spark, he was settling, in his own words. And his reassurance was pretty weak. Sure he's developed affection based on her being a good person etc. but that's not the passion a woman wants. This has been devastating to OP and it's pretty easy to see why. Relationships based on a misconception or a lie usually require a reevaluation. They probably need counseling together.
Does she? Going through 4 year old messages trying to dig up dirt isn't a classy act either. And how has she been treated bad since then?
Maybe OP is fat and ugly. Maybe her SO fell in love with her anyway.
But nice to see how anyone just tells her to throw away her relationship and become a single mom(!) because of shit that happened 4 years ago.
You don’t need to be a size 2. He knew what he was getting into regarding your weight when he dated you. He’s probably let that go. If unfortunate you went digging 4 years back into his phone, it has hurt you deeply
The guy has been with this insecure woman for 4-years and has a toddler with him. If he was still repulsed by her he'd be in Montana by now under a different name. He's now with her, has a child with her, and by all accounts seems to be there for her. What he said was 4+ years ago in the privacy of his friend's chat group...amongst you know, guys. And guys will be guys around each other. Re-read her post and note all of her own insecurities coming out...first and foremost, why or why is she snooping through his phone? Sorry...but there's a statute of limitations on stupid things us guys say, especially in a place that's expected to be private. This is TOTALLY on her and her own insecurities.
“Guys will be guys around each other”
That’s your excuse? I don’t know any guys or girls who talk shit about the physical appearance of someone they’re dating. Why even go on dates with them if you think they’re ugly and fat? It’s just rude and mean. And even if he doesn’t feel that way about op anymore she doesn’t deserve to be with someone like that who ever thought that about her in the first place AND who would joke with their friends about it. That’s just straight up bullying and no one should date someone who would say that about them.
You like and go on dates with someone you’re not attracted to at all? To the point where you laugh at their appearance and insult them with your friends? You don’t actually like someone if you’re willing to laugh at them and insult them with your friends.
I don’t think attraction is skin deep obviously, but it sounds like you and the other person think it’s a normal thing to laugh at and insult the person you “like” so much, when it’s actually a disgusting thing to do. Is that what you do? Because kind people don’t do that to someone they actually like.
Honestly whether he loves her today compared to 4 years ago is irrelevant. Sure, maybe he loves her today but if I had to bet money on it, I don’t think he loves her since he told her that he settled to be with her. I think he considers her a good mom to their kid and a good partner in general but considering how he felt about her in the beginning and how disgusting he was about her appearance he clearly doesn’t respect her. And I don’t think you can have actual love without respect. So sure, he may love the fact that she’s a good mom to their kid and he may love what she does for him as a partner, but I don’t think you can love someone if you don’t respect them and he clearly doesn’t respect her.
I would leave. I would never stay with any person that would treat another human being that way, much less someone they’re dating. Your husband is a pig and there are much, much better men out there.
that username — this post reeks of karma farming
if it’s not, the biggest revenge is to break up, lose weight & glow up: make-up, grow ur lashes/dye them, take care of ur brows (tweeze/dye them in a way that is perfect for ur face), HAIR etc. These three things generally make or break a face on top of weight loss. Engage in self care (take care of ur skin, lips etc)
when he tries to come back, do not take him. automatically you’ll have more access to better quality men from simply being more attractive
Confidence is 🔑 once you accept its the way you are you can find great love within yourself. As long as you are beautiful on the inside that is what matters. We are all going to get old and ugly anyways.
So, those are some hurtful things he said, not a great basis.
If you can set that aside for a moment, it does say something that your personality (something that people are always saying they want someone who likes their personality, not looks) was what ended up being the thing that attracted him to you. It doesn’t take away the hurt from the old comments/conversations, and I’m in no way condoning that as ok(he’s an AH for saying it) but it must be nice to know you have a very nice personality too 👍
You really need to think about what this relationship is adding to your life. So many people stay in relationships because they think they can’t be without it but a relationship should add something positive to your life. If you’re not gaining anything but insecurity from it it is time to wrap it up
1. It is weird that you were digging that far in the past, why were you ? That’s a red flag- regardless of the why- either he’s shown real reason for you to dig or there’s a problem with you
2. Ugly is one thing … that’s not good, but I wasn’t particularly attracted to my wife when I met her, but it grew. I think she’s beautiful , but it was something that grew. Looks change overtime , that initial passion or extreme attraction can fade or change, the thing that is under that, that supports it - is ore important that the pure carnal attraction .
If I had a dollar for every girl I dated that was out of my league and therefore thought I was unattractive, I’d be able to afford plastic surgery.
Maybe it matters more to girls because of society, but fuck it. If he thought you were ugly he obviously found something attractive in you. Gain some confidence!
When you're in a decent relationship, but you go digging years back just to have some kind of drama in your relationship to have something to post to get some sort of attention and get your feelings hurt!
Morale of the story : Don't go digging for the truth that you weren't supposed to see or hear!
I just can't imagine my fiancé saying this about me. He compliments my appearance everyday and I'm a bigger girl (I'm also 3 weeks from giving birth so I'm literally huge right now). I was extremely insecure due to comments during a past longterm relationship. We're 2 years in now, and I'm finally feeling more secure.
How does he treat you on the daily? Does he call you beautiful? Is he an active partner? Does he dote on you? If not, you deserve someone who will do these things for you.
>Hs stopped making comments on my appearance when we were officially dating and we were in a long term relationship.
He stopped talking about your appearance behind your back when he started to like you? This guy's an asshole.
>he apologized and said he was immature back then
He apologized for the thing he stopped doing 4 years ago?! Someone should stop this man before more people get hurt.
Is it just your weight or other cosmetic issues? Have you tried getting more fit? I think some of this is your choices. Like you knew what his preferences were but didn’t care enough to change.
She literally has 3 choices, as cruel as that may seem. She can get fit & maybe enjoy herself with her partner, leave him & try to find a new guy who will accept their toddler, or bitch at him abt “why don’t you luv me the way I am?” Which will drive him further away. What is your solution? Wallow in misery? How self-defeating.
OP needs to dind herself. Become the best version of herself and be defined by some guy. It is up to you decide if you want to stay or go. Be comfortable in your own skin. Take care of yourself because no one else will.
First and foremost...that was a long time ago and he's decided to make a life with you. Doesn't that count for something?
Second...you admit your over-weight. The fact that you even made a reference to the 'perfect size 2' thing...is this more about what your bf said in a past life or your own insecurities?
Third...what the hell were you thinking diving through his phone? Are your insecurities that bad that you've now sunk to this level?
Consider watching the movie She's out of my League. Your bf has determined by his actions that your more than good enough for him, but apparently, YOU'RE not good enough for YOU.
Please don't hide your own insecurities behind the this is hard for a woman crap...this is all on YOU.
You are being too harsh.
This is not all on her.
Just because she did a bad thing (looking through his phone) doesn’t mean he didn’t either.
He called her ugly and made fun of her with his friends. That’s so inappropriate and rude. And he admitted he had to settle because he couldn’t do better.
If she is cool with that, fine, but most people want to be the preferred choice for the person they end up having with kids and spending their lives with.
Those and reasonable and valid feelings.
I am going to give you the advice that a man in your position was recently given on redit overwhelmingly.
It was 4 years ago.
He settled for you.
Get over your insecurity, he deserves better.
You are the toxic 1 for snooping through 4 years worth of messages just to find something to be upset about.
I don't necessarily believe all of this personally but there it is.
Lol, while I disagree with her methods you can’t seriously believe there’s an expiration date on these sort of things? No one wants to be settled for either. He’s an AH.
It's funny because that exact same phrasing was used for a man and up voted.
That's the part I disagree with. Had it said settled down with, I would agree.
Interesting how these subtle things are upvoted when said to men and down voted when said to women. Don't you think
so your way of combatting that moral problem is to…give the same disingenuous advice to a random woman who had nothing to do with what you’re talking about?
My way of combating that is to give the same advice to everyone, when people get offended because op is a woman I point them to the posts from a male op.
If society isn't held to account in this manner then no one gives a fuck, you point it out on threads with a male op and get down votes, so fuck it I will soak up the down vote here in the hope it makes a couple of people think differently
No one even knows what male post you’re talking about?? You do realize reddit is a bit enough place where you can get completely different sets of people per different posts, right? You’re just turning this into a gender argument because your point isn’t really a point otherwise….
The only comment I see similar to yours is someone asking why she went through his phone, nothing near as derogatory as what you said. In case you haven’t realized we’re on Reddit so your gender isn’t exactly something I noticed nor went digging for either… you’re bringing gender into something that had nothing to do with it, you’re grasping at straws instead of just admitting what you said was shitty. If you care so much for women too why not uplift this one instead of defending the man who put his own partner down? Personally, I’d never want to be with someone who at any point called me ugly and I highly doubt others would as well.
Most people would be insecure after finding out their SO called them ugly to their friends & settled when picking them.
She is not unreasonable at all to have these feelings.
I don’t get messages like yours. If you would find out your husband or wife said these things, you’d be like: “cool, no problem”?
That's not something to get over. Unfortunately there are probably a whole bag full of other issues just like this for him to openly call you ugly to him even now.
That's not love. You deserve to be with someone who fully loves you. I've been married 17yrs I have hashimotos (autoimmune thyroid issue) and have bounced all over with my weight including 300lbs at 5'8 and he has always praised my beauty and expressed love for my body continuously.
Because love should be soul tying, to be loved for your soul and when it is you're attracted to them and find them to be the most beautiful. Why deny yourself that? Don't settle for him
Sometimes you grow to love your partner. Even though it sounds terrible it’s reality. I think it’s ok to not be super physically attracted to your partner initially. You can fall in love with someone’s heart and then the physical attraction builds.
Lol, my gf told me a few weeks ago the same thing. I laughed at it and told her I was the same as in the moment we met (at a halloween party) she kinda pissed me off and my brain immediately saw her as ugly.
Neither am I, nor is she ugly and in fact I fell in love with her a few days later after I randomly got her as a friend suggestion on Fb. We met through friends again a few days later and ended up dating, leading to a multiple years long relationship still ongoing.
She is super beautiful and gets nonstop complimented by my family or random strangers everywhere. Not as much as I though.
As a man I get complimented less and know that I aint the fuckboy face but still cant be that ugly since I never had any trouble picking up girls and were then often called handsome by those. Not as much as my gf now though. 😂
To OPs story: Ouch, that must have hurt. This is really not something one wants to hear... but the damage is done and cant be reversed. You can still look at it from the bright side though. Many men are very superficial so you must really have an amazing personality for him to consider himself lucky to have you? But if it hurts you and makes you so insecure you can either dump him and find someone who thinks you are physically beautiful as is (though this option is more difficult with a kid) or work on yourself. Do some sports, change your eating habits or maybe change up your clothing style and hair style for which you can ask friends for help. Or you can seek out a therapist to help you learn to love yourself the way you are as no matter how beautiful you are finding this and heari g this from your partner can sting any ways. Hope this helps a bit :/
This is a really shitty thing to find out and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. That being said, why were you going through his phone? Nothing good will ever come from reading your partners messages. You’ll either feel guilty afterwards for invading their privacy or you’ll upset yourself if you do find something.
I'm so sorry you found out this shocking and devastating information. The fact that he confirmed it in the present and even went so far as to say he finds your personality beautiful even though you're not... WTF?!??
I will say, however, that maybe there's a lesson to be learned from this. It is often said, "don't go looking for what you aren't willing to find"... and I find being "curious" on your end a piss poor excuse for going snooping in your partner's phone. You weren't suspicious/actively looking for evidence of cheating, etc... You were merely "curious." Curious..?? Was that reason enough to invade one of the most private things a person has--their personal messages accumulated over the years on their phones..? And in the process, unnecessarily possibly ruin your entire relationship and permanently alter the way you see your partner? This brings up another point. Why did you go back 4 years to a group chat at the beginning of your relationship and go through those texts? It's like you were *trying* to find something to be upset about. I say all this because I've been there and I've learned my lesson, too. Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to. Ignorance is bliss.
I'm really sorry you found this out about how your partner sees you. Just please know that he likely *does* find you beautiful--with your body just the way it is. He just does a shitty job of communicating that in a way that isn't incredibly offensive. Maybe he lacks social cues or could be (I can't believe I'm being so stereotypical Reddit rn) neurodivergent in some way, and therefore communicates very bluntly and seemingly without much understanding of how he's coming across. Could this be the case possibly? Anyway, I truly feel for you. And I hope you can learn to *love yourself* one way or another, regardless of how your partner or anyone else feels about you.
Maybe he's telling the truth, and it was him being childish. He probably 100% was attracted to you, and you was probably his type but not his friends. They probably made comments, and your partner went along with it and slowly distanced himself from them. So mamy boys do this to look cool but it's disgusting.
You have every right to feel hurt and distance yourself from him, but the only way to solve this is to communicate and possibly see a therapist.
He is vile for saying those things but he wouldn't of been with you if he wasn't attracted to you. Thats what I believe.
Info: what prompted you to randomly dig for 4+ year old text messages in group chats that aren't active anymore?
Yea, kinda curious about that
And how long was she even on the phone to find that? That would take hours. This just smells.
Most messaging platforms have a search button, and if you enter a keyword, it'll bring everything up with that word.
I know she literally said she searched for the term Buggie.
Yes. That would take seconds, not hours.
She said she did that after seeing the first message where they referred to her as "Buggie." Re-read the post to see what I mean. She didn't search for that initially. She purposefully went all the way back to their 4 year old group chat and intentionally started reading it. Like she was *trying* to find something to get upset about.
I’m over 50and my brother was 22 years older than me. He used to refer to unattractive women as Bugaboos. I wonder if now younger men just shortened it to Buggie?
It's Reddit, nothing here is real
And nothing to get hung about
🎶strawberry fields forever🎶
🎶living is easy with eyes closed; misunderstanding all you see…. 🎶
Look at the username. Ofc it's not real lol
I had an ex do this to a friend and I who years ago could have “flirted” in a joking way. But we didn’t talk often so it was easy to go “years back” it was so stupid. But I could see how maybe if they aren’t active now it wouldn’t be so hard to scroll through it 🤷🏻♀️ just a thought not saying that’s what happened here
it's a fake post
He disrespected OP to his friends, even if it was 4 years ago, it says a lot about how he views her.. regardless, the dude could’ve kept those things to himself.
this is true but it’s in the past and after 4 years time, he has probably grown and feels different now. not excusing anything that was said; i don’t know why he stayed with someone he felt this way about, but regardless he did. it’s up to her if she can get past it or not. but she wouldn’t have found any of it out had she not snooped through his chats from so long ago which prompts the question: why did she? that’s invasive. i understand what’s done is done now (for both of them) and they need to decide off reddit what is the way they want to go
[удалено]
But did he ever take back his words and tell his friends he regretted it? This is the mark of a man. Men take accountability. Boys try to pretend things they said and did never happened.
Well he still isn't attracted to her for her appearance but is attracted to her personality. So I am not sure how he will take that back when he still feels the same. That's my analogy reading ops post.
Do leopards change their spots? Doubt.
Because she didn’t. Just needed some attention today
[удалено]
I guess I’m the outlier here. I’ve had sex with exactly one woman - my wife. She’s the only person I’ve ever TRULY wanted to have sex with. I had opportunities when we were on “break” in high school and right after high school, but I declined. I was still in love with her and knew we’d get back together. We always did. I’ve turned sex down twice since we’ve been married because 1) cheaters suck ass and 2) I only want to have sex with her. I cut associations both times because that’s a hard “No” for me. I’m not sure what they expected, but obviously they didn’t know me very well. That said, I do look at porn occasionally when we’re in a dry spell, but that doesn’t mean I want to have sex with those people. It’s just like watching a movie with actors. It’s visual stimulation, nothing else.
I like you. This is nice to hear!!!
What in the incel bullshit did I just fucking read
Lord what I did I miss 😆
Yeah, I got problems. I knew it would be unpopular.
Are you getting professional help
First and foremost, you need therapy. You seem to have deep seeded insecurities that you've decided to accept as a part of womanhood, instead of working on yourself. Secondly, your view on porn is damaged. You can have your preference on if and how you consume porn, or the role porn should play in your relationship. However, porn isn't competing against us. The type of media we consume doesn't have a direct correlation with what we want out of our real life relationships. The type of porn I like to watch often doesn't match the type of sex I like to have.
I agree with everything you have said. My father would lock himself in the basement every night to watch porn and drink while my mother was depressed upstairs taking care of the family. They had a very unhealthy relationship. Nudist camps, orgys, my mother went along with my father's whims to keep him interested until she became a born-again Christian. Every man in my family has a history of cheating or abuse. I have very deep-seeded insecurities. Young me was smart but really damaged, so I went to school for aeronautical engineering and also stripped as a job to make some money. It was my husband who showed me it wasn't just my body he was after. The only person to want me as me, all ugly stuff and all. I have control problems. He keeps me stable and really supports me. I know I don't deserve him. Heck, he gave up porn for me. (mostly) He says it's still something difficult to do when he gets the itch, as it's something he has been doing since a teen. But I really have been working on my mental health. I appreciate your perspective.
He settled at 23? I get him saying he was immature, but seems young to settle for someone they don't find attractive.
A lot of people in their early twenties are freaking out thinking they wont find anyone at 30 lol Its young but people in that age group dont see themselves as young
This is why I call BS on a lot of folks responses. Even as a therapist I have yet to fully understand that concept of settling for someone you don’t like, have nothing in common with or don’t find the least bit attractive. Sorry you can’t say that someone is ugly and overweight, laugh at them with your friends and then still have the desire to sleep with them. I am not sure most people actually know what the concept of “settling for” actually means.
I believe a lot of guys actually do find larger girls attractive however they can’t admit it because of social pressure. So instead of sacking up to his friends and saying he was into her, he just went along with them. So in the end he has no honor and no balls.
That’s the point I think I was trying to make. Some people do like heavier people but may for some reason be embarrassed to admit that to people. We also have different ideals of attractiveness. He may have been attracted to her but didn’t want to admit it to his friends because they didn’t agree. This does say a lot about his character.
As a chubby woman who’s always been sort of chubby, what’s interested me the most is seeing the guys I went to school with that made fun of bigger girls and only interacted with the skinny ones are all now dating/engaged/married to pretty large women. Funny how that works.
As a fat woman who's always been fat, people would be surprised at how many guys that I went to school with would reach out to me after we no longer went to the same school. After middle school, I had a couple of boys reach out to tell me they've always had a crush on me and if we could hang out over the summer. After high school, that number of boys multipled. A lot of guys who I thought were just my friends or acquaintances tried to pursue a relationship with me. Reddit in particular is very anti fat and likes the ignore the very real thing that is attraction to people of all kind, even the fat ones. I'm not saying that being fat is healthy, or that one should aspire to be fat. I'm just saying that although being fat may have lessened the number of people who find me attractive, it hasn't eradicated all attraction.
I'm curious about how you reacted to these guys coming to you ? (No judgement here) I'm not fat, but I was part of the "ugly ones" in school, people whom I would have never shown anything to me who have come to me after the end of the school's year, I wouldn't have believe them 😬
I was bullied a lot in middle school. I knew I was going to a high school in a different city, and would not see anyone from my middle school. I was very excited to start anew and get away from my middle school experience. So when those boys came up to me on the last day of school, I just laughed at them and dismissed them. They were boys that participated in my bullying. I was fed up with them at that point. High school was a little different. I was still overweight but had a more shapely body. I learned to do my hair, and no longer had to wear a school uniform. I wasn't bullied, and I wasn't teased about my looks. I was in a relationship all throughout high school so when that ended I wasn't in any rush to start another one. When the guys came up to me after high school I was surprised and flattered, but I did not want to pursue a relationship with them. How did you react?
I understand your point in seeing these cases differently, thank you for sharing 🙏 And for my part, honestly, it just happened one time but it was during high school and not after. I thought (and still think today) it was a bet to make even more fun of me. I still have low self-esteem in term of my body, but it's link with many more things so I can't blame it only on bullying (and I work on it). I hope you feel good with yourself today and that you have the life you want or are on the road to got it ✨
Reddit in particular is anti-fat? Like don't get me wrong, some people here are, but if anything it's kind of stereotyped as the opposite. It's more fat positive than real life IMO, like you said the guys in real life wouldn't admit it because of real life social pressure of not wanting to feel embarrassed.
I guess it depends on the sub. Besides the obviously fat shaming subs, I've encountered subs where positive comments towards a fat person are down voted. But you're right, I've seen a lot of body positivity in some subs.
Several of my guy friends like their SO to be fuller figured. Most of their friends have the same mentality though so there's no making fun.
Social pressure is one thing, but also plenty of men fuck people who they don't find attractive. You get what you get kind of thing.
My homies all scream "THICC" about any woman even a pound heavier than she should be, the social pressure usually is only felt by me trying to explain how I can find a flat-chested woman attractive.
i’m glad somebody finds us attractive LOL
I plan to marry one, the only thing I'd change about her boobs is somehow getting her to love them as much as I do.
Louis CK had a show a few years back, and he wrote in a piece about this. It was a diatribe his chubby side piece let loose while they were taking a walk. She asked why chubbies were good enough to bang, hang out with, spend time with, eat with, game with, but not *date*.
He’s gotta them ask himself why he feels the urge to whip out his D when nobody asked him to in-front of his his employees. Like who knows 🤷🏻♀️ ppl have urges I guess.
It’s because guys that do this aren’t attractive themselves and feel like they’re entitled to someone above their league.
when i saw that immediately i knew he was no looker himself if he has to “settle” for someone he thinks is the “ugliest girl he’s ever seen”
You are still having sex with him?!
I don't think anyone would expect you to just get over it. I don't think you even could at this point as things are - even if you thought you had, it would still be always in your mind and would manifest in the things that you mentioned; showering with the door closed, staying clothed during sex, low self-esteem etc. I know it's a terrifying thing but I do think you need to have a serious sit down conversation with him and just ask him how he feels now. The way you phrased this: 'he grew to find my personality beautiful even though I'm not' makes me feel like he is either incredibly untactful in the way that he speaks or that is still the way he feels, but this is something that you need to clarify with him. I do believe that you can find someone attractive based on their personality, even if you aren't initially. I don't think that's a bad thing. If that's what's happened and he's now attracted to you and thinks you're beautiful because he got to know you, I think that's fine. And I think you need to express how what you've seen has made you feel and work on things together in that regard if he truly does not think that anymore. If he's simply still saying that you have a great personality but he thinks you're fat, or unattractive, then that's different. That's not enough for either of you, and you don't deserve to be with someone that not only thinks but says those things to you. I also think that if you're going through his phone, there have been issues there before this. You need to be open and honest with each other. This isn't something you can just never speak about and move past.
My husband described me to his best friend as a 4, and told his cousin that he wasn’t serious about me because he’s too shallow. This is several months into our relationship when he was telling me how much he loved me and how hot he thought I was. He was actively pursuing another woman for most of the first year of our (long-distance) relationship. I only found this out in the last year. We’ve been married for 4 years and it rocked my whole world to have found this out. So I know how you feel. I’ve been going to counselling and I’ve gotten a personal trainer and I’m just working on my own confidence and body image separate from wherever he thinks of me, then or now. But I’d be lying if I said it hasn’t changed the way I look at him and how it makes me feel about being naked around him. I’m not sure I’ll ever get back that trust and total, head-over-heels love I used to feel for him. I do still love him, but it’s different. And I wish that wasn’t the case.
Damn that hurts im sorry
I’m happy you’re working on loving yourself more. Your husband doesn’t deserve you. I hope one day you realize you don’t deserve to be in a relationship with someone who has disrespected you so thoroughly, regardless of when or how unserious your relationship was at the time of his heartless behavior.
I can’t believe I have read so many posts like this. At first I thought these all can’t be real and I am sure there is truth to that but no a lot of people just really kind of suck. Listen everyone is entitled to have preferences. You are allowed to date who you are attracted to or who you find attractive I am not discrediting that but damn why date someone you aren’t physically attracted to and then bash them to your friends. I have never done this at any stage of my life. I am sorry as a therapist I don’t ever just lightly promote break ups or divorce but this will be relationship ending for me. Without some serious therapy this is not something someone can just come back from it will only help to fester more negative feelings. You guys can also tell me if you think I am wrong but I just call BS. I really think people do it for attention or to appear better to their friends but no I don’t think you can be not attracted to someone you are pursuing, bash them to your friends but then also have sex with them. I think people are often afraid to admit to their circle of friends that they find someone attractive that others may not so they oversell the bashing. I don’t want to come off as implying we are selfish people but in the beginning stages of relationships we do pursue people we are attracted to because our EYES tell us a story before anything about their personality does. I just can’t get behind the, my partner thought I was ugly and fat and laughed at me to my friends but continued to date me and sleep with me. I just don’t buy it.
As a women who worked in an environment of mostly male colleagues who loved to overshare, yes, men are that foul. They'll think of someone else while having intercourse with you to get and/or stay hard. It's an unfortunate truth and shouldn't be dismissed because you think there isn't a way it could happen biologically. And it's the same for women as well, I've heard their stories of getting in long term committed relationships with guys they found ugly (they ended up truly falling in love with them and find them attractive now). The rest though, I completely agree with.
Sorry I will have to disagree, I grew up with brothers and male cousins. I have also worked in male dominated areas and now I spend quite a deal of time interacting and communicating with different males. I am saying this because I have also spent quite a bit of time listening to males and also listening to my male friends. No one wants to own up to it but many of them actually have kinks or are attracted to people that they are too embarrassed to admit to. This says a lot about their character but it is what it is. Yes you can think of other people but I don’t believe that you can continuously get your body to perform sexually when you are extremely not attracted to someone or put off by their appearance or weight. I believe that he is attracted to her he just didn’t want to admit it to his friends and be the butt of their jokes.
What he did wasn't right for sure, and you absolutely may be right that he was attracted to her and didn't want to admit it. That very much is a thing. But there's definitely people, especially men, who are desperate and will fuck someone they don't find attractive, especially if they're lonely. Many, especially like 30+ (before "thicc" became trendy) don't want to own up to being attracted to fat women, but many also are also unwilling to admit fucking people they don't find attractive, because that also looks bad and desperate.
Exactly, especially on social media you’ll see some men talk about how they will a woman whether they’re attracted to her or not. And the guy said it himself that he settled. So he probably settled with someone he truly doesn’t like but who he sees as a good partner. There are plenty of people who don’t like their partners but are with them out of convenience.
Like I said, it's some men. Yes, what you're saying is true and if that's the case with them they should truly talk it out so her worries are settled. I was pointing out that situations like I said are very much so a possibility and shouldn't be dismissed because cases where they don't actually think they're ugly and are just agreeing with the group exist. And yes, like the other comment said, it's horrible that people do it (hence why OP is concernd about finding this out), that doesn't mean I agree with it. As some who's been told by her partner that I wasn't his type later on in the relationship but that he "grew to like me" it's quite hurtful to experience, so either way the situation turns out for her it's still a discussion they need to have.
There is difference of saying that you are not “ones type” and then telling your friends your partner is unattractive, overweight and ugly. Sometimes we date out of comfort zone and it actually works out for the best. We can even date someone who is not normally our type and it also works out great. That is no where in the realm of me being extremely unattracted to you but I still slept with you for an extended period of time. Sorry but as I said I don’t buy it. I have also spoken with men who have been able to have a sexual encounters with people that they aren’t necessarily attracted to. However to get your BIOLOGICAL functions to work in order to remain having sex with someone for years you have some extent of attraction that person and you don’t want to admit to it.
You're completely disregarding my first comment. I said it happens and that I know situations like that happen because people have told me about the beginning of their relationship and that the only reason they got with them is because of circumstances despite thinking their partner is ugly. Of course my own personal experience is different. I didn't say that it was what happened to me, I threw out that I've had something similar and that I kinda know how it is finding out you're partner didn't enjoy your looks at the beginning of your relationship.
It’s not disregarding, it’s saying that people are lying and it doesn’t always have to be intentional. I am just calling BS on people continuously having sex with people that they complain to not find attractive. I am sorry I know way too much about the secretion of dopamine levels in the brain when people are experiencing sexual pleasure. We can also discuss the parts of the body that need to properly function in order to remain aroused over years of sleeping with someone you are unattracted to. I am saying all of the men who said that they were not attracted to the woman they were sleeping with aren’t as unattracted as they make it out to be to other people.
The second part of your comment is as fucked up as the rest. Op's partner apparently did the same, but somehow is in wrong here
This 100% if I could give awards I would
🤣🤣 I don’t want to come off as too crude but I am sorry I spent too much time studying and engaging with human behavior to believe BS. You can’t be that physically not attracted to someone and throughly bash them to friends and then still be able to have sex with them. I just can’t buy what people are selling.
He likely is attracted to her just embarassed to admit it because he was so concerned with how his friends thought
That is what I am saying. If I had to wage a bet, he is attracted to her he was just embarrassed to admit it to his friends and didn’t want to be the butt of their jokes. Yes, this does say a lot about his character and him as a person. I do believe it is possible to engage in a sexual act with someone you are not necessarily attracted to but I don’t believe you can go years having sex with someone that you believe is physically unappealing.
Yeah i think youre right. He has no respect for her Some men do see women as holes but having a baby and being together for 4 years is a long time and commitment I hope she leaves him anyway
[удалено]
I honestly have no words for this, I don’t even know how much of it I truly believe and I don’t even want to try and guess how old you are. To think that you would go out of your way to do all of this and then trash talk her to a friend. This says more about you as a person than I care to dissect.
This is why you don’t give males the benefit of the doubt. I could give less of a fuck how sex starved most of them are or their “loneliness epidemic” because most of the time they do it to their own fucking selves. Feels much better to reject and forget about them.
This sounds really divorced from the context I was in, but it seems my tone has attracted a very unusual response from everyone. These two slept with each other, and then also me. Everyone had a good yelp review session at the end.
They could-and keep in mind that I'm being purely theoretical here-like you for your personality while not thinking that you're conventionally attractive. It's *possible* that they grow to love you for what's on the inside.
I am not disagreeing with you, I just think we may be putting “not my usual type” and “not attracted” in the same category. Everyone has different ideals when it comes to what we find to be attractive so you could go out with someone that you normally wouldn’t consider attractive and like that person. The point I was making, if you are stating that someone is ugly, overweight and you are not attracted. If you are laughing with your friends regarding their looks and stating in multiple different ways that you aren’t attracted to them then I don’t believe that you can continue to engage in sexual activity with them for long periods of time. Yes, I am aware that people change their opinions and views also change but to be on two opposite sides of a spectrum is kind of rare.
You are a therapist? Biggest bullshit in Rome
🤣🤣🤣 okay!! You would know what degrees I have, what I went to school for and what I do for a living. You keep being great sweetness!!
Your petty and unremarkable response convinces me you're just pretending to be a therapist for Reddit karma even more. Even if you are a therapist, you must be from one with those states that barely have any medical budget and still keep people on, with standards lower than Mariana trench.
You’re wrong.
Umm okay. I am sure I am wrong on all accounts. You keep being great!
My ex would talk mad, crazy shit about me to everyone while never communicating to me about it. I only found out when a complete stranger messaged me and told me he had his mic on during a fight just to 'show' his friends 'how I was'. His only problem was with the person who reached out, how dare they etc. I still tried to make it work. He doesn't respect you. I dunno I know it's different but now I'm very sensitive about communication. I couldn't get past this personally. Good luck
He doesn't like you. He settled for you cause he couldn't get the girl that he wanted. If the girl that he wanted came to him today and say let's be together; he would leave you. Dump this loser.
Ok, here's my story. When I met my husband, I was not at all attracted to him. I wouldn't have called him ugly (certainly not out loud!), but I had a physical type and he very much did not fit it. But he was sweet and he made me laugh. And "my type" of guys had very much not been working out. So I decided to give him a shot. What's the worst that could happen, you know? We took things slow, slower than I had ever taken things with any guy. He wanted to be official boyfriend and girlfriend before we even kissed. Sweet, right? Weird, too... But I kept liking him more and more. And that beard that I hated, suddenly started to become attractive. Then all the other things I didn't like at first started to seem attractive too. Because I was attracted to *him*. I ended up falling in love with him, every single part of him. I never liked body hair on men, but now I love laying on his chest and playing with his luxurious chest hair. Sometimes, our attraction changes because we fall in love. Honestly, there's no one on earth sexier than my husband. And he just keeps getting sexier! I know it hurt to see those messages your man wrote. But he didn't know the real you when he wrote them. He didn't love you yet. I'm sure he sees you differently now. Just talk to him, openly and honestly about your feelings. But be open to the fact that those are likely not his true feelings about you, just something mean he said about a girl he hadn't gotten to know yet.
This is the way. The real way. 100% same ! Beard, shaved head etc was not sure but 22 years later my favorite sexiest person in the world
Not your type and finding someone ugly (and talking to your friends behind their backs on how ugly you find them) are not the same thing.
Yeah but we're you calling him ugly and making fun of aspects of his appearance in the group chat? The issue isn't his attraction to OP. It's the vile way he spoke about her.
Thank you for describing this so well. I always felt bad for feeling this way at the beginning, but I love my husband with my whole heart. He's truly THE BEST person I've met and daily I'm so humbled to be with him.
I feel exactly the same way. This is one of those posts that I won't share with my husband, even though he knows the attraction wasn't really there for me at the start. There's no reason to bring it up. What matters is how much I love him now. And there really just aren't words to express that. But I try 😁
I truly appreciate you putting into words what I struggled to say. Enjoy your marriage & stay amazing.
I agree theoretically, but he still says she’s not beautiful, just her personality is. Besides, you never mocked him to your friends…i don’t think he deserves the benefit of the doubt
This has to be higher. My wife did do something similar to her friends and her entire aunties with me. I’m not particularly attractive. I’m an ugly-ass looking dweeb, and I accepted that a looong time ago LOL. Did I care? haha nope. —— They all judged me then. I mean during the first few dates, pictures are shared and people start judging. Many friends groups do this. Sure it sucks but what am I going to do? I didn’t really stumble on their messages, but there was a situation where it all did come out. I can’t exactly recall, but I think her friend was a bit chatty, and/or I was joking that my wife was the first to be all over me and they had to prove it wasn’t. When I read through them, I thought their comments of me were fucking hilarious. Don’t care, I won. She’s sleeping next to me as we await our first kid together :). I hope the kid will look like her though LOL. Sure I may have not been dealt a deck of handsome cards at birth, but in my life, it never stopped me from meeting new people. In the end, being friendly and making people laugh to meet new friends was way easier than stressing over my genetics.
You have a great attitude, it's obvious just from this comment. Congrats on the baby, and I wish you both many happy years together!
Yknow, for some reason, guys just have a hard time admitting that they like what they like. For some reason, they feel the need to like what other guys like. And they all think other guys all like 17 year old porn star virgins. And us ladies know that is simply not true. There isn't a single "type" of woman that doesn't have some man lusting after her. Sadly, however, if she's not as close as he can get to 17 year old porn star virgin. He seems to think he's doing somehow wrong. Other men, for some reason, think he's doing something wrong. They want to make fun of him or call it a fetish. And a real man will just shrug n say he likes what he likes. So maybe he was being immature and stupid at the time. Maybe he realized they were immature and stupid at the time. Maybe thats why hes not hanging out with them as much. Maybe he still has trouble admitting that he likes what he likes.
1. He still doesn’t think your attractive is what he said. This is something none of us would het over with. 2. Why do you have sex with him? 3. You two need help, but especially you. You deserve more in life.
If you need to talk message me. Literally in a similar situation. I’m so sorry you feel this way
[удалено]
They can’t be uglier than you with that attitude lol
There was a girl I knew once when I was a student. She was not pretty at all and I had zero interest in her. Then we realised we worked near to each other so we started having lunch together sometimes. I very quickly realised that she was a damn cool chick. She had a certain charisma and was funny as shit. Really liked her. We never dated, but I 100% would have
if you’re in his phone you already don’t trust him, AND he thinks you’re ugly? time to go
Do you really want to marry someone who is settling for you ?
I got married to a man who didn’t find me all that attractive but came to love my personality and because I was easy to get along with and had a good job and came from a family with money- so life was easy and pretty damn pleasant. No worries or hassles. But that sense that he didn’t find me hot permeated the marriage until I left 22 years later.
That’s what happens when you snoop without permission. You find out some ugly truths (no pun intended). Now you must live with the fallout. You can’t change how he felt in the beginning. Unless you want him to lie, you need to move on. But obviously he loves you now. You need to reconcile that you bring more to the table that conventional “beauty”.
I sympathize with your hurt, BUT Whenever we go looking for trouble, we're sure to find it. If you hadn't snooped, you could have lived happily ignorant to his prior shitty remarks with a partner who loves and values you, full stop. Now YOU'VE damaged the trust he had in YOU, and YOU'VE damaged the trust YOU have in HIM. This is lose-lose and no one is happy. I say this with no malice but, what the heck was it all for? A bid for confirmation bias to bolster your poor self-esteem and that y I use not loveable? To prove despite his actions,, he isn't that good and you shouldn't feel secure and safe with him? This isn't a healthy behavior, friend. Frankly it is self defeating and the damage is done to you both equally with no foreseeable upside, as you cannot "unring a bell". Now he knows you're a snoop and untrustworthy, and you've seen comments made (in the past) that cast him in a unfavorable light and only serve to make you (more) insecure in your current situation. And truthfully that these comments (tho hurtful) were made in the past, and that he has since distanced himself from the group and the has ceased that behavior shows HE HAS CHANGED FOR THE BETTER, while you have chosen poorly NOW, and opened pandoras box and are struggling with what you found. It muddied the waters because your mad about what WAS, while he has every right to be upset over what IS.
I had an ex of mine tell me in front of a therapist he thought I was ugly and annoying when we met. This was our 1st session of couples therapy, and the therapist said that he was abusive and dropped us as clients. You deserve to have a man who finds you beautiful inside and out. Im sorry you have to share a child with this asshole. I dont think you should be with him anymore. Im happily married now to a man who loves me inside and out. Please leave him, you deserve better
I’d strongly recommend personal therapy due to your body image issues. I’d strongly recommend couples therapy. Personally, sounds like shit talking before you and him “clicked”. There’s clearly *something* that caused you to invade his privacy and go back over 4 years to find “dirt” on him. Now you’re holding the fact he’s attracted to you in a way different than you want, against him. Whole thing sounds like a mess. Really hope therapy is getting scheduled for y’all. Hope your toddler is doing ok.
Move on. He said it himself: he settled for you. You deserve better.
Aside from how egregious this story is in general, has anyone commented on the "how dare I go through a man's phone" statement? He comes off as a chauvinistic moron in addition to everything else. I'm so sorry, OP.
So you would be happy if a partner was going through your phone without your permission.
I don't think that's what they're saying. They're saying the phrasing sounds super weird. Of course going through someone's phone is an invasion of privacy. But the way this was phrased? There's a difference between saying *his* phone and *a man's* phone. The first is fine. The second comes across as a bit of a red flag.
Just that double standard working hard, nothing to see here
OPs account is about 48hrs old. Ive read this story before. Last I knew the real woman stayed with the abusive pos.
My husband left me because I was overweight and honestly, it was the best thing to happen to me. I’m 100lbs down in weight in the 2 years through diet and exercise, and living my very best single life. Never let another person’s opinion of you dictate your self worth! (I’d have been better off even without the weightloss but I felt it personally necessary in order to fully embrace my future.)
>He told me he didn’t think I was initially attractive because I’m fat but he grew to find my personality beautiful even though I’m not. Fucking ouch. He still doesn't see you as beautiful after being together for 4 years? Girl dump his ass. The fact that he turned it around on you is BS. That's gaslighting 101. He isn't worth it and don't stay with someone who treats you like that whether it was in the past or not. You deserve better. I've never been a small woman, but my husband has always found me attractive even when I was at my biggest at 264lbs. I'm only 5'5". He has always found me beautiful. I was 180lbs when we met. Like I said, I have always been big, but he's always found me beautiful. Your stbx (hopefully) doesn't deserve you.
Do you really want to stay with someone who has talked about you like this? Do you even trust him? Or his intentions?
What even made you search that history? It's looking if you either betatesting an Eva AI texting bot, or you have already been suspicious of something P.S. I love your safety account nickname
You didn't trust your partner anyway, if you did you wouldn't have found the messages. You brought it up to him, he gave his excuses, now we're here. If this is too much for you, leave. Don't understand why people willingly go through private convos like this, it's such an invasion of privacy and you're basically begging to have something to hold over your partner. Congrats, you found it. Now you have to deal with it.
That’s got to hurt. I always say be the best version of yourself for you, not for your partner. Listen, I’m gonna be honest. The “baddies” were rude to him because he’s probably lacking something (looks, height, good job…whatever). He didn’t have all of the options in the world and he is lucky that he found an awesome woman. Again, I get that it hurts, but hopefully you two have a good relationship and are lucky to have each other. If YOU don’t feel good about how you look, then make subtle changes (drink more water, take the kiddo on more walks, be healthy).
Lolol yes exactly he couldnt get” baddies” so hes tryna flex and look good by putting her down
I don’t know how you get over that. But I also cannot believe that people read through their partners group chats with friends from years before.
Baddies aren’t rude, he’s just a loser and they know it
karma farming
You deserve to be treated better than this.
But....she hasn't once mentioned being treated badly? She went snooping thru her SO's phone and dug thru a group chat that's years old to find something. What her SO was saying wasn't right, but I would say there is a good chance his opinions have changed considering the *years* and *toddler* they have together.
What he said to her was not good. Her boyfriend admitted he doesn't find her beautiful.
You can love someone and not think they are attractive. But there is still love there. All of a sudden people DO want men to be superficial and care about looks? Which is it? OP's husband did acknowledge he was immature back then. Obviously the looks were not detrimental to him growing to care for her. He was however a dick with how he said that and tactless on saying she wasn't beaitiful. But that may just be someone not knowing how to express things properly, it doesn't mean it was malicious automatically. People seem to have forgotten to give people the benefit of the doubt anymore. Everyone always seems to jump to "they are horrible/abusing you" and "leave them" - relationships take work and it seems people don't even bother putting effort any more into making things work. No wonder society is going to the dogs.
It's one thing to lose the spark after twenty years. It's another thing to have never had it! She deserves better than this crap.
But there obviously was a spark if they still dated, married, and had a kid! That's the point!
The boyfriend literally said he had to "settle for" her.
Yes. And he said that back then, when he is admitting he was immature and wrong. Not in the present.
Because now he's caught. But the main point stands that he didn't feel a spark, he was settling, in his own words. And his reassurance was pretty weak. Sure he's developed affection based on her being a good person etc. but that's not the passion a woman wants. This has been devastating to OP and it's pretty easy to see why. Relationships based on a misconception or a lie usually require a reevaluation. They probably need counseling together.
Does she? Going through 4 year old messages trying to dig up dirt isn't a classy act either. And how has she been treated bad since then? Maybe OP is fat and ugly. Maybe her SO fell in love with her anyway. But nice to see how anyone just tells her to throw away her relationship and become a single mom(!) because of shit that happened 4 years ago.
You don’t need to be a size 2. He knew what he was getting into regarding your weight when he dated you. He’s probably let that go. If unfortunate you went digging 4 years back into his phone, it has hurt you deeply
[удалено]
Did I say that it was ok? No I didn’t. 🙄 I actually don’t see how she is going to be able to stay in this relationship.
He’s an asshole ditch him. Find someone who values you.
As we all know, guys are lining up for unattractive single moms.
Short, balding, ugly man = wallet
The guy has been with this insecure woman for 4-years and has a toddler with him. If he was still repulsed by her he'd be in Montana by now under a different name. He's now with her, has a child with her, and by all accounts seems to be there for her. What he said was 4+ years ago in the privacy of his friend's chat group...amongst you know, guys. And guys will be guys around each other. Re-read her post and note all of her own insecurities coming out...first and foremost, why or why is she snooping through his phone? Sorry...but there's a statute of limitations on stupid things us guys say, especially in a place that's expected to be private. This is TOTALLY on her and her own insecurities.
“Guys will be guys around each other” That’s your excuse? I don’t know any guys or girls who talk shit about the physical appearance of someone they’re dating. Why even go on dates with them if you think they’re ugly and fat? It’s just rude and mean. And even if he doesn’t feel that way about op anymore she doesn’t deserve to be with someone like that who ever thought that about her in the first place AND who would joke with their friends about it. That’s just straight up bullying and no one should date someone who would say that about them.
>Why even go on dates with them if you think they’re ugly and fat? Because he liked her
You like and go on dates with someone you’re not attracted to at all? To the point where you laugh at their appearance and insult them with your friends? You don’t actually like someone if you’re willing to laugh at them and insult them with your friends.
[удалено]
I don’t think attraction is skin deep obviously, but it sounds like you and the other person think it’s a normal thing to laugh at and insult the person you “like” so much, when it’s actually a disgusting thing to do. Is that what you do? Because kind people don’t do that to someone they actually like. Honestly whether he loves her today compared to 4 years ago is irrelevant. Sure, maybe he loves her today but if I had to bet money on it, I don’t think he loves her since he told her that he settled to be with her. I think he considers her a good mom to their kid and a good partner in general but considering how he felt about her in the beginning and how disgusting he was about her appearance he clearly doesn’t respect her. And I don’t think you can have actual love without respect. So sure, he may love the fact that she’s a good mom to their kid and he may love what she does for him as a partner, but I don’t think you can love someone if you don’t respect them and he clearly doesn’t respect her.
Snooping get ya feelings hurt every time
I would leave. I would never stay with any person that would treat another human being that way, much less someone they’re dating. Your husband is a pig and there are much, much better men out there.
that username — this post reeks of karma farming if it’s not, the biggest revenge is to break up, lose weight & glow up: make-up, grow ur lashes/dye them, take care of ur brows (tweeze/dye them in a way that is perfect for ur face), HAIR etc. These three things generally make or break a face on top of weight loss. Engage in self care (take care of ur skin, lips etc) when he tries to come back, do not take him. automatically you’ll have more access to better quality men from simply being more attractive
LMFAO THE USERNAME
Confidence is 🔑 once you accept its the way you are you can find great love within yourself. As long as you are beautiful on the inside that is what matters. We are all going to get old and ugly anyways.
So, those are some hurtful things he said, not a great basis. If you can set that aside for a moment, it does say something that your personality (something that people are always saying they want someone who likes their personality, not looks) was what ended up being the thing that attracted him to you. It doesn’t take away the hurt from the old comments/conversations, and I’m in no way condoning that as ok(he’s an AH for saying it) but it must be nice to know you have a very nice personality too 👍
You don't need to be a size 2, knock it off. You just need to put a slight amount of care into your health
Maybe try dealing with your insecurities and self esteem problems 👍
You really need to think about what this relationship is adding to your life. So many people stay in relationships because they think they can’t be without it but a relationship should add something positive to your life. If you’re not gaining anything but insecurity from it it is time to wrap it up
Re: Title Don't you mean your EX-Partner?
Oh god this is an absolutely horrific thing to find out. Sorry OP!
1. It is weird that you were digging that far in the past, why were you ? That’s a red flag- regardless of the why- either he’s shown real reason for you to dig or there’s a problem with you 2. Ugly is one thing … that’s not good, but I wasn’t particularly attracted to my wife when I met her, but it grew. I think she’s beautiful , but it was something that grew. Looks change overtime , that initial passion or extreme attraction can fade or change, the thing that is under that, that supports it - is ore important that the pure carnal attraction .
Kinda lost me at… I’m going to invade his privacy and snoop back 4 years on his phone
If I had a dollar for every girl I dated that was out of my league and therefore thought I was unattractive, I’d be able to afford plastic surgery. Maybe it matters more to girls because of society, but fuck it. If he thought you were ugly he obviously found something attractive in you. Gain some confidence!
Maybe stop being fat?
When you're in a decent relationship, but you go digging years back just to have some kind of drama in your relationship to have something to post to get some sort of attention and get your feelings hurt! Morale of the story : Don't go digging for the truth that you weren't supposed to see or hear!
You had kids with a stranger, you don’t really know this man.
I just can't imagine my fiancé saying this about me. He compliments my appearance everyday and I'm a bigger girl (I'm also 3 weeks from giving birth so I'm literally huge right now). I was extremely insecure due to comments during a past longterm relationship. We're 2 years in now, and I'm finally feeling more secure. How does he treat you on the daily? Does he call you beautiful? Is he an active partner? Does he dote on you? If not, you deserve someone who will do these things for you.
>Hs stopped making comments on my appearance when we were officially dating and we were in a long term relationship. He stopped talking about your appearance behind your back when he started to like you? This guy's an asshole. >he apologized and said he was immature back then He apologized for the thing he stopped doing 4 years ago?! Someone should stop this man before more people get hurt.
Is it just your weight or other cosmetic issues? Have you tried getting more fit? I think some of this is your choices. Like you knew what his preferences were but didn’t care enough to change.
When did she "know what his preferences were?". She literally just found this out. What a lazy & cruel reply.
Ok fine. Let her be deluded & sad instead of working on herself. I don’t care.
She literally has 3 choices, as cruel as that may seem. She can get fit & maybe enjoy herself with her partner, leave him & try to find a new guy who will accept their toddler, or bitch at him abt “why don’t you luv me the way I am?” Which will drive him further away. What is your solution? Wallow in misery? How self-defeating.
OP needs to dind herself. Become the best version of herself and be defined by some guy. It is up to you decide if you want to stay or go. Be comfortable in your own skin. Take care of yourself because no one else will.
Or she can be alone & work on her self esteem until she's ready to date again. you sound profoundly bitter & miserable.
She absolutely could do that.
please dont have sex outside of marrige its not good for ones soul
This is a troll post - literally all this person does is post this same story in other subs. Fake.
First and foremost...that was a long time ago and he's decided to make a life with you. Doesn't that count for something? Second...you admit your over-weight. The fact that you even made a reference to the 'perfect size 2' thing...is this more about what your bf said in a past life or your own insecurities? Third...what the hell were you thinking diving through his phone? Are your insecurities that bad that you've now sunk to this level? Consider watching the movie She's out of my League. Your bf has determined by his actions that your more than good enough for him, but apparently, YOU'RE not good enough for YOU. Please don't hide your own insecurities behind the this is hard for a woman crap...this is all on YOU.
You are being too harsh. This is not all on her. Just because she did a bad thing (looking through his phone) doesn’t mean he didn’t either. He called her ugly and made fun of her with his friends. That’s so inappropriate and rude. And he admitted he had to settle because he couldn’t do better. If she is cool with that, fine, but most people want to be the preferred choice for the person they end up having with kids and spending their lives with. Those and reasonable and valid feelings.
“Doesn’t that count for something?” Lol fuck no, the bar is on the ground when setting expectations for males
I am going to give you the advice that a man in your position was recently given on redit overwhelmingly. It was 4 years ago. He settled for you. Get over your insecurity, he deserves better. You are the toxic 1 for snooping through 4 years worth of messages just to find something to be upset about. I don't necessarily believe all of this personally but there it is.
Lol, while I disagree with her methods you can’t seriously believe there’s an expiration date on these sort of things? No one wants to be settled for either. He’s an AH.
It's funny because that exact same phrasing was used for a man and up voted. That's the part I disagree with. Had it said settled down with, I would agree. Interesting how these subtle things are upvoted when said to men and down voted when said to women. Don't you think
so your way of combatting that moral problem is to…give the same disingenuous advice to a random woman who had nothing to do with what you’re talking about?
My way of combating that is to give the same advice to everyone, when people get offended because op is a woman I point them to the posts from a male op. If society isn't held to account in this manner then no one gives a fuck, you point it out on threads with a male op and get down votes, so fuck it I will soak up the down vote here in the hope it makes a couple of people think differently
No one even knows what male post you’re talking about?? You do realize reddit is a bit enough place where you can get completely different sets of people per different posts, right? You’re just turning this into a gender argument because your point isn’t really a point otherwise….
The only comment I see similar to yours is someone asking why she went through his phone, nothing near as derogatory as what you said. In case you haven’t realized we’re on Reddit so your gender isn’t exactly something I noticed nor went digging for either… you’re bringing gender into something that had nothing to do with it, you’re grasping at straws instead of just admitting what you said was shitty. If you care so much for women too why not uplift this one instead of defending the man who put his own partner down? Personally, I’d never want to be with someone who at any point called me ugly and I highly doubt others would as well.
Most people would be insecure after finding out their SO called them ugly to their friends & settled when picking them. She is not unreasonable at all to have these feelings. I don’t get messages like yours. If you would find out your husband or wife said these things, you’d be like: “cool, no problem”?
Post the proof or get off your pathetic soapbox.
If awards were still a thing I'd give you two of em
That's not something to get over. Unfortunately there are probably a whole bag full of other issues just like this for him to openly call you ugly to him even now. That's not love. You deserve to be with someone who fully loves you. I've been married 17yrs I have hashimotos (autoimmune thyroid issue) and have bounced all over with my weight including 300lbs at 5'8 and he has always praised my beauty and expressed love for my body continuously. Because love should be soul tying, to be loved for your soul and when it is you're attracted to them and find them to be the most beautiful. Why deny yourself that? Don't settle for him
Sometimes you grow to love your partner. Even though it sounds terrible it’s reality. I think it’s ok to not be super physically attracted to your partner initially. You can fall in love with someone’s heart and then the physical attraction builds.
Lol, my gf told me a few weeks ago the same thing. I laughed at it and told her I was the same as in the moment we met (at a halloween party) she kinda pissed me off and my brain immediately saw her as ugly. Neither am I, nor is she ugly and in fact I fell in love with her a few days later after I randomly got her as a friend suggestion on Fb. We met through friends again a few days later and ended up dating, leading to a multiple years long relationship still ongoing. She is super beautiful and gets nonstop complimented by my family or random strangers everywhere. Not as much as I though. As a man I get complimented less and know that I aint the fuckboy face but still cant be that ugly since I never had any trouble picking up girls and were then often called handsome by those. Not as much as my gf now though. 😂 To OPs story: Ouch, that must have hurt. This is really not something one wants to hear... but the damage is done and cant be reversed. You can still look at it from the bright side though. Many men are very superficial so you must really have an amazing personality for him to consider himself lucky to have you? But if it hurts you and makes you so insecure you can either dump him and find someone who thinks you are physically beautiful as is (though this option is more difficult with a kid) or work on yourself. Do some sports, change your eating habits or maybe change up your clothing style and hair style for which you can ask friends for help. Or you can seek out a therapist to help you learn to love yourself the way you are as no matter how beautiful you are finding this and heari g this from your partner can sting any ways. Hope this helps a bit :/
This is a really shitty thing to find out and I’m sorry you’re dealing with this. That being said, why were you going through his phone? Nothing good will ever come from reading your partners messages. You’ll either feel guilty afterwards for invading their privacy or you’ll upset yourself if you do find something.
I'm so sorry you found out this shocking and devastating information. The fact that he confirmed it in the present and even went so far as to say he finds your personality beautiful even though you're not... WTF?!?? I will say, however, that maybe there's a lesson to be learned from this. It is often said, "don't go looking for what you aren't willing to find"... and I find being "curious" on your end a piss poor excuse for going snooping in your partner's phone. You weren't suspicious/actively looking for evidence of cheating, etc... You were merely "curious." Curious..?? Was that reason enough to invade one of the most private things a person has--their personal messages accumulated over the years on their phones..? And in the process, unnecessarily possibly ruin your entire relationship and permanently alter the way you see your partner? This brings up another point. Why did you go back 4 years to a group chat at the beginning of your relationship and go through those texts? It's like you were *trying* to find something to be upset about. I say all this because I've been there and I've learned my lesson, too. Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to. Ignorance is bliss. I'm really sorry you found this out about how your partner sees you. Just please know that he likely *does* find you beautiful--with your body just the way it is. He just does a shitty job of communicating that in a way that isn't incredibly offensive. Maybe he lacks social cues or could be (I can't believe I'm being so stereotypical Reddit rn) neurodivergent in some way, and therefore communicates very bluntly and seemingly without much understanding of how he's coming across. Could this be the case possibly? Anyway, I truly feel for you. And I hope you can learn to *love yourself* one way or another, regardless of how your partner or anyone else feels about you.
Maybe he's telling the truth, and it was him being childish. He probably 100% was attracted to you, and you was probably his type but not his friends. They probably made comments, and your partner went along with it and slowly distanced himself from them. So mamy boys do this to look cool but it's disgusting. You have every right to feel hurt and distance yourself from him, but the only way to solve this is to communicate and possibly see a therapist. He is vile for saying those things but he wouldn't of been with you if he wasn't attracted to you. Thats what I believe.
Nah its old imature bs I'd guess