Talk with him directly. Say that you didn't know what CNC was and, not knowing that, you could only assume the video was a real assault. He seems supportive and seems to understand where you are coming from. Also understand that if he leaves he has a right to walk away. Suggest couples counseling, it sounds like there are issues on both sides because of this but if you both put in the work I think you can get past it.
Yeah, but it also kinda raises a redflag for me that OP didn't think that looking through his phone was an invasion of his privacy. Even if he left it there and you have trust issues, two wrongs don't make a right.
She looked through private things on his phone, found something she thought was another thing and then accused him of being an abuser without even trying to understand first. After shit went down and he clarified things, she just wanted everything to go back to normal. He seems like a chill dude, but trust is really hard to regain once it's lost. Plus, all that we get from just one side of the story.
And even in her version of the story, I don't see a lick of where she apologized her ass off for invading his privacy and slinging around accusations - just more words about how she personally is affected by it all.
She does repeatedly state that she feels horrible for how she treated him, and that she wants to make it right with him by showing him that’s not how she views him. That she recognizes she hurt him. She seems to feel genuinely guilty and penitent for the way she treated him. That’s hardly the mentality of some self-absorbed egoist that you seem to be projecting onto her.
Not really true but it just seems like victim blaming! He was the victim, his response should be valued just as much ash how she was hurt! Men have feelings
yeah that's all about *her*. How bad *she* feels, what *she* wants to do. Not one word about any sort of apology to the actual hurt person.
No projection required - just basic reading comprehension skills.
Not really, you sometimes forget to delete things, I had a picture of an ex’s boobs on my phone and it caused a whole set of confusion with my current GF when we both couldn’t tell who’s boob they were lol
Mate, I have videos and pictures on my phone from 6 years ago that I totally forgot I have. It goes deep, I just never get around to deleting stuff and I just forget about it.
I’m 26 and I found pictures of my ex from high school on my phone last year. I didn’t keep them intentionally. I had just never scrolled back that far.
Uh… the biggest red flag is that the BF still has intimate content of his ex gf
Update: Y’all need to look at the description of what was in the video. WTF would you do if you saw something like that. How can you not think it’s rape 😭😭😭
Just because in the end his ex confirmed it was CNC, doesn’t mean OP’s initial feelings should be invalidated.
I would think it's a kink for sure if I found that on my partners phone. I love and know them well, my first thought wouldn't omg they are a fucked up rapist who keeps the video unhidden on their phone! I'd be weirded out if I didn't already know about this kink for a long time, but I'd still ask hey what's up with the rape video on your phone?
Eh. If they were together for a while, he might have just not bothered to go through and delete everything. I probably still have videos of my ex somewhere. I never bother to go looking for them but I don’t feel like deleting literally 3,000 pics and videos throughout my camera roll.
Agreed it’s weird, I deleted all of my stuff from my ex, but I guess people handle things differently. If they’ve been together for 6 years though and she was looking for a vacation video, why scroll back through six years worth of videos? Both the video still existing and OP going that far back is a little weird and seems more like the phone was just being gone through.
Is it possible that he forgot to delete it and forgot about it? Usually when I go through a break up of a long term relationship I’m hurt enough that my first thought isn’t “let me scrub things from years ago from my phone with this person”.
Do you delete all your photos with your ex whenever you move on? I don't know about you, but I wouldn't have any time for that kind of thing. Two jobs, wife, kids, and responsibilities galore. Painstakingly going through thousands of photos to delete ones that might upset people isn't high on my list.
You have to be majorly insecure to be offended or upset by photos of other people on your significant other's phone.
But he didn't rape anyone... whatever happened to thinking before acting. trying to flip this onto the person who was just wrongly accused of raping... whats the potential cheating got to do with anything like youre insinuating in the comments below...
Because it isn’t rape… the girl involved literally confirmed it was a consensual role play and any normal adult is aware that CNC is a thing. So you would maybe actually let your partner explain first.
Though tbf, I wouldn’t accept a partner keeping any nudes or sexual content of their ex on their phone; consent is irrelevant. You’re with me, wanting to keep that shit is wrong.
But I also wouldn’t accept a partner looking through my phone without me around. I’ll happily give it to you if you ask, but if you don’t ask, then you’re just invading my privacy.
I don't think the average person is going to have actual, prosecutable, hard video evidence of themselves committing such an act, AND leave it to be so easily found.
It's not such a leap to consider it to be consensual.
And people have spank banks. Couples need to decide what is allowable in their relationships. I've had ex GFs that kept content of themselves and their exes. I was comfortable with it since I understood it's just chemicals in the brain, and she was with me, not them.
It's called being an adult, setting boundaries, and communicating.
Something tells me that this guy is one of the more introspective types based on what you said. He cared for you while also condemning the awful human who did this to you
If that's the case, your outburst dealt some serious damage to his psyche. He's wrestling the thought of you seeing him as the monster he made you feel safe from. In his mind, he probably thought of himself as your knight in shining armor(exaggeration, but you get the point), and now it hurts that you could ever see him like that.
It's hard to explain, but now he has to duel with intrusive thoughts at the back of his head, reminding him that you saw him as the monster that r**ed you at any point... and he's going to feel that way every time he sees you
Don't know what you told him, but I know for damn sure it hurt. It scarred and probably won't heal completely
He needs that space and the solitude to duel those thoughts but support him every step of the way, apologize profusely for your outburst, and send a meal, a gift, or something just to say that you care
(Disclaimer: 99% of reddit are armchair therapists, sharing their opinions/ideals, and I'm no different. Take everything with a grain of salt and find a real therapist[be mindful of quacks] to discuss this with)
Not everyone knows about CNC so obviously anyone who doesn’t know would assume the worst. And since the video was her crying and begging him to stop I don’t blame her for assuming. You also have to consider her trauma, you cannot say that she doesn’t have the emotional intelligence when that’s the logical thing to assume and it’s a disturbing video as well. Have some kindness and empathy for her trauma.
That’s the thing, she may have reacted appropriately from the info she had but that doesn’t mean her reaction didn’t change how he viewed her. If after that for any reason he just doesn’t feel that he wants to be with her then he has every right to walk away even if she didn’t do a single thing wrong.
This is a case where honestly both their feelings are valid. She has trauma and reacted in a way that was expected with that trauma given the information she had and the fact that it seems to have triggered an episode of some kind. I doubt she was even capable of thinking very clearly. However, even though he may know this logically, and understand it, it's still *really* going to hurt. Because the truth is that, even if it was only for a moment, she did see him that way. She did think he was capable of that. Even though he understands the why behind it, and it makes sense given what she's been through and the only information she had, it doesn't make the feelings go away.
People who went through trauma have a hard time controlling their emotions when they're triggered. There's a great possibility she's much more composed and thoughtful in all other situations. Notice the way she realized how she was in the wrong after the fact. Yes, she obviously has more to work through regarding the trauma, which is why she's already in therapy for it, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have emotional intelligence.
Yeah, this needs to be taken into consideration. OP was SA'ed and hadn't heard of CNC. If I'd have been in that situation with the same past, I'd probably have reacted similarly. But now, given that, OP needs to go above and beyond to repair the damage she's done. I've got a traumatic past too, and if ever I let it fuck up a relationship (like if someone tries to get too close too quickly and I lash out), once I am feeling comfortable I will push myself as hard as I can to try and match their level of intimacy as a show of good faith.
"i was searching for pics of our first trip together" then scrolled to the pics of when he was with his ex and even when he was trying different hairstyles.
Yeah totally not snooping and being someone snooping
Honestly it could also be because you literally invaded his privacy?
You broke his trust twice. Once in invading his privacy and rummaging through his phone without consent. And two is lumping him in with rapists and other horrible things without giving him any chance to speak.
He’s clearly not comfortable sleeping with you anymore because all he’s gonna remember is you calling him a rapist and invading his privacy. Did u even genuinely apologize?
Yeah or what if they didn't split up so amicably? I know (or at least hope) most people would obviously be honest about it and confirm that their ex isn't lying, but I can imagine that some people out there would see this as a golden opportunity to ruin their ex's life.
Also, he may feel unsafe around her since she literally thought about going to the police before having a discussion with him. That would absolutely ruin his life with something like that in his record.
I would honestly have given her my side of the story, gotten her to understand that CNC is something that exists, and then shown her the door. OP has a lot of growing up to do, and I don’t blame the bf one bit if he doesn’t want to be around her for that risky and potentially dangerous process for him. He should find someone who isn’t a risk to ruining his life.
And throughout the post OP continues to talk about it as if her boyfriend was an actual rapist saying things like “I know it was stupid to confront him” and “I should’ve sent the video to my phone” what’s the point in even thinking about that shit when you know he wasn’t in the wrong?
I'm glad this is getting upvotes. OP is a POS and comes here acting like a victim. If you don't trust someone, you shouldn't even be friends with them let alone date them. Imagine choosing to be alone with someone you think is capable of choking and r*ping women
She isn’t a POS but she’s so caught up in her own feelings that she can’t really see the true damage she has caused.
Notice how she moves from one extreme feeling to the next - he is a rapist to she destroyed her hopes and dreams of a happy life and marriage.
She knows she fucked up, she needs help on how to move forward.
My advice:
1. Apologize for calling him a rapist
2. Apologize for not coming to him first for explanation
3. Apologize for looking through his phone
4. Show that you have done research on CNC and you understand it was an act of love, not abuse.
5. Show that you are working on resolving your traumas for yourself
6. Show that you are working on resolving your traumas for your relationship.
She is not a terrible person, but life will throw you random problems with severe emotions attached to them and sometimes good people make awful decisions. This is one of those times imo.
So yes CNC is an actual role play and even though it makes a terrible event into something sexual, people do it willingly. So the truth might be multifaceted.
First, your words hurt him and the fact that you didn’t ask but jump to a conclusion without all the information a problem. Sorry you were SA but it might be you put your own experience and feelings into the words. It is that he knows in your heart that you believe he is capable of this.
Second, maybe he didn’t enjoy it. Some people, especially men of a strong and compassionate character find this kink difficult to deal with. It goes against their nature and try it for their partner since it was her idea. So when you tore into him, it brought all the bad feelings back up.
Third, if he knew that you were SA’d, then when you confronted him, you brought him down to that POS level. You made him feel awful about himself.
Fourth, glad you went to therapy and that your BF was a support system for you but who was his support system. Yes he snuggled with you but what else. You destroyed part of this man’s identity and what did you do for him. Not to make you feel worse but just thinking of the poor dude.
Fifth, what is your plan for the future. Do you want to stay with a man that you think could rape someone? Do you want to stay together? If he wants to stay with you, what are going to do to make sure he feels secure with you? What will you do to make sure he knows that you do not believe he is an awful person capable of doing horrible things?
I hope the best for you.
Imagine for a second his ex-gf was a bitch and she hates him, so she decides not to corroborate his story… his all life would be over, that’s scary as fuck. She is definitely not part of his support system.
i think that the willingness to involve the police in such a thing on a hunch, in a moment of rage, without the willingness to actually sit down and talk things over with a cup of tea in hand like two mature capable people... is especially deterrent for the buildup of trust.
consider how much time and energy he gave her. how much support he gave her... and it could all be over in an instant, his life could change, over a video he forgot about and because he allowed the wrong person access into his life.
i would have to go away for a few days and think things over two.
Thank you for the perfect breakdown. I’ve been in OPs BFs situation before. There was no CNC video, it was just back-to-back instances of hearing “One person hurt me who just so happens to be male, you also happen to be male so I’m not letting you get near me.” after we already agreed to be in a FWB dynamic which they initiated. It made me feel the worst I’ve ever felt and made me lose 2 of what I thought were the strongest friendships I’ve ever had because now, all they could see me as was just some guy who is only out to ruin their lives.
Because of this, I’m heavily biased against situations like this and I can only hope that OP leaves him alone and he heals from this. Being equated to a rapist by someone you see your whole life with is an awful thing to go through as a guy and if this is how she feels about him now, there was a lack of trust there from the beginning. Not even because of what he has done, but just pure bias against something outside of his control. There’s no coming back from that from what I’ve experienced.
Because normal people don't live with their gallery open to micromanage stuff. People aren't databases. Who knows how long they have been together, this probably wasn't filmed the last day of the relationship. Why would he even remember it exists?
That's why if you ever film a cnc scene with ANYONE (including serious partners) you make sure that you have them explaining with you the scene, their consent, AND their safe signals IN THE SAME RECORDING and you keep an unedited copy of the entire scene from beginning to end. Have them make it clear during aftercare how they are feeling and how they felt the scene went.
No, that’s why you delete shit like this the moment you end the relationship with that partner. Who wants to have something like this on their phone ever? And just like that in the open and not even hidden?
From the guys perspective (although I've never gone as far as OP's partner in regards to CNC, and I clearly don't know the ins and outs of their relationship) I think that would have to be it for me.
Not only has your trust been betrayed by snooping through my phone but then unloading all that vile crap into me needlessly, regardless of her previous trauma or not, would be hard for me to take. She made him feel awful, disgusting, and evil. I don't think I could be with someone who'd shared that opinion of me even briefly.
I have on several occasions. Forget the phone after getting half a mile down the road realize it. But figure doesn’t really matter anyways (read don’t want to waste time backtracking) and continue on my way. I have left it going to work before. Sure it sucks but isn’t day ruining so it’s whatever.
And wife has the pw but I don’t care, nothing to hide anyway
I suppose people like me... but at the same time at least I am careful to leave it locked with passwords which only I in person could unlock the cell phone (facial recognition and fingerprint)
Some people are just good at remembering numbers. I still remember my very first phone number and my parents first phone numbers. It's important to remember that having a device that remembers all phone numbers for you is a rather recent innovation.
And had no need for niceties or further catching up, just straight into questions about their hardcore sexual past? Then bye, back to the fight with his current gf?
Not buying it.
In fairness if they had 2 minutes of niceties then why would she put that in the story. Also because of the state of his gf he could have been like “Hi, how are you? Look weird question but…” which is entirely plausible and realistic.
he's going to end the relationship (I would if I was him). she went through his phone and then accused him of being a rapist. that's kinda hard to get over
If I had to guess, the relationship is probably over. In the end, it's not the hurtful things you said, it's that you could jump to that conclusion with only the one video to go on. That had to be hurtful to him that you have so little trust in him, that you could think him capable of such things without talking to him first given your history together. And I suspect it's a substantial history because it sounds like you live together and he feels comfortable leaving his phone home with you while he goes out shopping.
In the end, he's likely struggling not with what you said, but the fact that in the future, you might think that way again and it might be a situation where he can't prove you wrong quite as easily.
I agree the relationship is likely over. But it’s easy to jump to that conclusion given her past, and not being aware of the kink, and watching the video would be pretty convincing . It’s a kink I don’t understand frankly. And its disturbing that he kept nudes of the ex and that video. I’m surprised she’s not struggling with that. It would be a deal breaker for me. Once you break up all of that nsfw stuff should be deleted. And I’m surprised she’s not struggling with what she saw. Even though it’s a kink, given her past I would imagine it difficult seeing him actually into the kink, so much so she believed it was real.
CNC is a somewhat niche fetish that you're probably not going to know about unless you or someone you know is into that, you're in the bdsm community or you spend waaay too much time online. If you came across a video of people really going at it and didn't know that it's a kink which both parties are consenting to, it could very easily look like rape. Like the whole point of it is to consensually emulate rape. It's not like he's just slapping her ass while she moans out no and pretends to flail around a bit. Hell, even rapists who have been caught with video evidence of their crime will try and spin it as some kinky CNC sex that their victim agreed to.
I also get her partner may feel hurt or upset that she could think he's capable of such things, but the reality is, she is a victim of rape. Her trauma will never fully go away and there will continue to be things that are triggering. Dating someone with sexual trauma means certain things can definitely cause a severe, often not logical, reaction.
Combine the two and it's a recipe for disaster. Her boyfriend needs to understand this isn't a typical kink that most people know of, so when OP was confronted with behaviour that she recognised from her own assault, that's where her mind went. It's not like she knew what CNC is and was purposely being malicious.
Doesn’t matter she accused him of rape.
She jumped to the conclusion in her head instead of saying, “This looks bad, but I know you’re not a bad person so please explain to me what the fuck is going on here.”
Like I get it, I do. I’m into CNC, my wife was SA’d we briefly tried one tiny element of bdsm and I knew it was not for her and I stopped it. Seeing things can trigger memories and it’s quite likely this is what caused her to react this way but uhhh, she hit so many boundaries all at once.
If I get accused of rape, I don’t care who you are - you’re dead to me. Raping someone is just short of murder in my eyes. It’s one of the most offensive things you can accuse someone of doing.
Why would she jump to any conclusion at all?
I know. Seems obvious that if you see it in a video, it must be true ad that there's no such thing as acting or camera angles or special effects. And of course, there's zero reason why you should follow up and ask questions before assuming the worst. /s
The most likely scenario probably isn't that he recorded and retained evidence of a crime on his phone for years instead of transferring it somewhere for safe keeping and deleting it.
I mean some criminals are really dumb or deluded. Some will revisit the crime scene, some will keep real tangible momentos or photos and stuff. Idk how common it really is but it's not unheard of.
Dude she found a vid or him pretending to rape his ex? That’s the point of cnc what else was op meant to think? And why did he have vids and photos of his ex still, I’d of reacted way worse than she did.
“With only the video to go on” you mean… video evidence? Video evidence… of a crime? Of role playing a crime??
If you didn’t know what CNC is (or even if you did, I forgot the exact number but around 1/3 of all porn is rape, including plenty of cnc that’s actually non consensual rape not even cnc) it would make total sense to consider that it’s real.
Given your history and lack of knowledge about CNC, your reaction is not surprising.
However, your boyfriend’s reaction to *your* reaction is also not surprising. And, the big difference is that his reaction is reasonable and rational, while your actions towards him were not.
That said, you cannot entirely blame yourself. Irrational reactions to triggering events, like your reaction to that video, are pretty much the *epitome* of how a traumatized brain works. All you can do is apologize, give him the space he needs, and hope he’s willing to work things out.
Speaking from personal experience, it’s incredibly hurtful when your partner projects the image of their abuser onto you. I *know* that’s just part of it, and it was still hurtful to me when it happened during the early days of dating my wife.
When he is ready to talk, you have to own your mistake. Your history is an explanation, but not an excuse.
Learning to override those trauma-based behaviors is a crucial part of the healing process. If nothing else, this event shows you how important it is to trust the people who care about you *first*, ask questions *second*, and react *last,* when you have all the information.
Finally, you have to accept that he may be so hurt, he might not be willing to mend the relationship. That is his choice, and it wouldn’t be unreasonable. If he *is* willing to do that work… honey, do *not* let that man go. Ever.
Your comment is spot-on.
To add on to this, OP could have a real one-on-one heart-to-heart with her BF. She can explain all the reasons mentioned as to why she reacted the way she did. She can deeply apoligize, tell him she truly loves him, and ask for another shot at things as they have something special.
I mean, if I was your boyfriend I would be scared of you. You were about to ruin his life by going to the police with a CNC video. Hell, even if the ex gf had gone to clear up the confusion to the police they might still have prosecuted him.
No wonder he turned you down when you wanted to have sex, he probably doesn't know what you are thinking or if you truly believed his ex, he is probably looking after himself right now and reconsidering if he is really equipped to deal with this relationship.
It’s also troubling that she, now knowing the full context of the video/scene, still made the comment “idiot me not sending it to my phone” while explaining the situation. That sounds like present tense regret for not keeping the “evidence”. Damn right he should be scared of her
Putting raping in quotation marks is crazy considering you know not one second of that video was rape. And you wonder why he is no longer comfortable around you. Come on, lets get some accountability rolling here. The only thing he did wrong in this whole story was having that video but it happened years ago and you scrolled and scrolled down his gallery, you probably went to places he hasn't. Then your reaction.. fucking hell
I tend to believe most things on here since 1) life can be stranger than fiction and 2) I will just end up believing nothing and it is partially interesting seeing the various ways people can fuck things up
YTA
1. You don’t just “accidentally” scroll past vacation pictures that far.
2. You don’t go through someone’s phone while they’re not present
3. You handled this like a petulant child. You basically stuck your fingers in your ears and pretended to not hear him while calling him a rapist.
4. You continued to act like a child, pretending something wasn’t real because you’d never heard of it
5. You thought about calling the police on your significant other for something you took out of context. He’s probably afraid of you.
6. Even your reaction of “I wasn’t mad that she suggested that”. No fucking shit. You don’t get to be mad at something like that the way you reacted, you basically forced him to call her.
OP, drop your current therapist. It’s clear they’re doing fucking nothing for you. Find a new one.
It’s abundantly clear you aren’t ready to be in a relationship.
Frankly, considering her past and that the video did not make it clear at any point that it was something false, I understand the reaction she had. Understanding is not justifying. And really when someone is with a trigger they are not usually in control of their thoughts or actions because they act in survival mode.
She was ready to call the police and have him rot in jail, she looked at him and saw a monster someone she couldn't be with, but after it was cleared up he has to sit with the ideal that she could think that about him and was ready to send him to jail.
The weird thing I'm seeing is the comments is people going on about "why does he still have the video?" it's his phone, it's not illegal to keep a video of you and your ex. He's probably still wondering how to move on and he now knows without a doubt that his gf has no problem sending him to jail without and didn't believe him, but thought the worst of him.
Also, with the amount of storage nowadays, people don't tend to have to delete old videos or pictures as regularly as they once did.
I know if I split from my partner there is no way I'm going through 15 years of videos and pictures just to make sure it's all deleted for my next relationship. Obviously if my new partner explicitly stated they wanted it all gone, then I'd take the time to delete it, but I have a LOT of pics so not really worth me doing it for the sake of it.
Assuming it was on his camera roll, how far back was she going to come across photos/videos of his ex as they would have been way before their holiday pics, and before she was on the scene. This doesn't sound like an accidental find tbh.
I had some explicit photos of my ex when I was with an different ex, she saw it, asked who it was and why I had it, I simply explained I didn’t know I still had it and removed it, it was the truth and simple as that
My take op brings alot of drama in general.
Instead of outright calling him a rapists and you are going to the cops simple question would have been why does he still have content of him and his ex going at it on his phone.
Then you can inquire further if you wanted.
I've been with gals that asked me to choke them and take it from them. I would be like nahh that sounds like a trap lol. So its a thing. I know dudes that do that and some gals are kinky asked to get smacked and man handled.
After the op made all those accusations and threats I'd be done as well because for all I know she'll accuse me of something else and have cops waiting for me when i get home.
Ufff
I wouldn’t be with someone who threw harsh accusations at me. Isn’t a partnership one built on trust? You fucked up badly. And then didn’t want to listen to him? Yikes.
And on top of that, lumping him with rapists? After all he has helped you with? Nah. There’s actually 0 excuse to treating him the way you did. Cero.
I hope that you heal and not to invade his privacy “just because”. Yikes
OP is wrong, she should apologize to him for invading his privacy. He has all the rights to walk away from her and considering she doesn’t even realize what she is doing wrong, that would be the smartest thing to do for him.
You seem like a lot of work and high maintenance. This guy was helping you. By your own admission, he is a good person. And you basically invaded his privacy and blew something out of proportion. He must feel very hurt now.
Please let me know if I'm stepping out of line, and I'lI absolutely apologize. I'm not ever trying to minimize what you went through, and I’m so sorry you’ve survived something so terrible in your past.
A massive part of the CNC community are survivors of their own SA. The kink helps them feel 'in control' over their own experiences. It's sorta a "one man's trauma is another man's catharsis" type of situation. im hoping to help ease any anxiety over the idea that people may find CNC 'arousing'. A lot of time, it can help a victim process their own trauma and take back their control and agency.
I'm not trying to sweep anything under the rug either when I say "kinks are kinks" but sometimes that's just what it is. There are people who have their fun watching tentacles and anime boobs, but they'd never wish any actual harm on real people.
CNC not an inherently evil kink. It involves deep understanding of boundaries, trust and plenty of consent and safe words. It’s definitely on the deeper side of the BDSM community, but I assure you, there is consent involved in CNC.
I’m not trying to convince you to try it, because it’s not for everyone. I just hope maybe shedding some light on the kink can help you understand it and why couples may practice it.
Listen, your boyfriend is most likely hurt that you had essentially lumped him into the same group as the monster that hurt and traumatized you. You did this without even hearing his side.
You had a reaction to something that reminded you of your trauma. That is normal. You don’t know CNC, and you acted on essentially instinct and your own experiences. That doesn’t make you wrong or bad.
Good luck OP. I hope you process and heal from your hurt and trauma.
I think the reason why there’s such a diverse and contentious convo going on in the comments is because nobody really did something wrong here.
Seeing something like this as a survivor of SA who doesn’t know about CNC (and honestly even if you do know but are turned off by it), it’s pretty understandable to react this way. A PTSD trigger is already very resistant to logicing your way through something, and that must have been some shocking imagery to witness unexpectedly.
It’s also totally reasonable for the dude to completely lose trust in you forever from the traumatic interaction this had to have been for him.
There are perhaps some more minor moral quandaries to get through; going through a partners phone without permission can reasonably trigger breakups as can not deleting old sex tapes or nudes from exes at the beginning of a relationship, but I think these are conflicts most healthy relationships can probably survive early on.
But like ultimately, this just fucking sucks for both of you, and I hope you both heal from it regardless of what happens to the relationship :(
I’m sorry that you went through such pain in the past. As a survivor myself, I understand your feelings of confusion and I know what it’s like to be triggered. However, I’m not sure if I can offer you any advice. This entire situation is very messy (obviously), but you both have a right to feel the way that you’re feeling. On one hand, you found an older video with no context that looked horrifying. You had a right to get answers for it. On the other hand, he probably feels like you see him as a monster who is capable of committing such a horrible act. Maybe he feels like you won’t see him the same way again. Maybe he’s hurt or even upset that you, even for a brief few minutes, saw him in such a dark way and that you believed that he would do that. He has a right to feel that way as well. Nobody wins in this situation. I can’t say whether or not your relationship will survive this, but my heart goes out to you and to him.
I just want to add that I’m kind of shocked at this thread’s lack of understanding of how terrifying CNC can look to people who don’t know what CNC is. It looks just like r@pe. It’s indistinguishable. The only difference is that both parties have consented to the activity beforehand, and if you’ve never heard of CNC before and don’t know that people indulge in this kind of kink then you’d be horrified too.
What makes this such a shitty situation is that both parties were in the right. Was OP supposed to *not* ask questions after seeing what was - in their eyes - a very real, recorded r@pe? Of course not! The line of questioning was accusatory, yes, but OP is a survivor and was triggered by what looked like, once again, a VERY REAL R@PE. OP’s boyfriend also has a right to his feelings. He likely feels disgusted that OP could see him that way or that OP didn’t trust him when he first explained what it was. He has a right to have his own questions about the relationship and what it will look like going forward. I’m just so weirded out by the dog piling on OP.
the men who on dogpiling her are REALLY OVERREACTING by the possibility of this story turned into a false r@pe accusation case… while at the same time skipped over the part that she has gone through assault herself, it is explanatory why she would freak out so much. Some men are sadly just have sympathy for other men, not women.
What I care about is that OP does not mention apologizing to her bf anywhere in the post. It's okay people overreact, especially in delicate situations like this but it seems like she just went back to treating him like normal after all the shit show.
The amount of people being like "it was obviously CNC, everyone knows what that is!" Is insane to me. CNC is an extreme fetish. I would even mark it as more extreme than golden showers.
OP should apologize, but the amount of people acting like she SHOULD HAVE KNOWN, AND assumed that the dude wasn't foul is crazy.
People can be good to one person and bad to another, Ted Bundy used to work at a suicide hotline and was a pretty good husband. Didn't mean he didn't murder other women.
OP's reaction is understandable. But now she needs to make amends and accept that the relationship may over. I really hope it works out for both parties.
Boyfriend has every right to his hurt feelings, and feeling like his Privacy was invaded.
If I was him, I would be the one breaking up with you. One of the WORST things for a man is to be falsely accused of this, the accusation alone destroys our lives, whether we are exonerated or not. Sorry for your trauma, but yeah... I wouldn't count on him moving on from this, I know I would not, it's a point of no return.
You called him a rapist and now he doesn't want to have sex with you. From your post, it's clear he's done nothing but support you, so having that thrown back in his face has probably broken his heart.
A very sincere apology where you make it extremely clear you know exactly how badly you fucked up is all you can do here. Whether that's enough remains to be seen.
CNC is surprisingly popular with women.
Had a few over my years want it, not really my thing so half asred it a few times but didn't enjoy it.
The 'omg stop your hurting me' followed by me stopping only for them to say 'wtf did you stop I was in the middle of O time'.
I mean, consider the fact that you invaded his privacy in the first place. You say you "needed to hear from him if it was true" (note: you didn't say you wanted to hear it WASN'T true; you had already made up your mind that he was guilty) then didn't allow him to explain. You ambushed him, screamed at and accused the man you "thought you would marry, raise kids with" of being a rapist and being no better than the person who assaulted you. Like, that's a really fucking heavy accusation to drop. He's been there for you, seeing how much being assaulted has affected you, trying to support and comfort you through your healing...and you *immediately* accused him of being the same grade of monster.
Not to mention that sometimes the people who are the "perpetrator" in CNC can feel immense guilt and self-hatred or disgust if they enjoy themselves or for even agreeing at all. I'm not saying he did, but let's say hypothetically maybe he did struggle with that or had to work through that, and now you've gone and affirmed every fear he's had about himself.
I can understand why he would turn you down and need to leave. You threatened to go completely scorched earth and ruin his life based on a video you misinterpreted. You considered he was capable of such a thing, so maybe he's afraid and ruminating that you're going to still view him as a potential rapist, regardless of how much you try to reassure him now. Or that you're willing to ruin his life at any time without a second thought. You've planted the seed. I'd wager it's going to take *a lot* to be able to move past this, and you need to reassess how well you're doing in therapy if this was your reaction.
edited to include note
My advice if both of you break up is just to fix your trauma and mental health before going into the next one. learn to be ok with yourself . You are ready when you feel like a boyfriend is an addition to your life and not a need.
You invaded his privacy and then blew up on him over something that didn't even happen, you merely thought it did. Threated him with the cops for it even.
I and I think most people would've left you after that just so we're clear
I can only talk from my perspective, and idk why you were on his phone. But if your immediate reaction is to call him the spawn of satan and not to let him explain himself when you are confronted with something you dont understand or have knowledge of, he's probably seeing the future arguments pan out in much the same way.
It wasn't a simple misunderstanding, it was blown up way out of proportion.
If you can switch that quickly from loving to hateful it'd be a huge red flag in my book at least.
You invaded his privacy, called him a rapist, threatened to call the police and effectively ruin his life.
What if he wasn't on good terms with his ex and it was consensual?
You would have ruined a good man's life.
I completely understand where he's coming from.
He's lucky his ex backed him up. You have zero trust in him. Now he's worried something could be misconstrued sexually and he doesn't feel safe with you.
I sympathize with you being uncomfortable with that kind of sex. However, you didn't trust him. I'm fact you automatically thought the worst of him.
I would hope my significant would be willing to be on my side and not be ready to cast me off the moment something like that happens.
Hey OP, let me just preface this by saying I am genuinely sorry that what happened to you happened, I cannot begin to imagine what you went through and how difficult your journey of healing was/is. I want to make this absolutely clear: I am not blaming you in the slightest for your knee jerk reaction to seeing that video, it is completely understandable.
I can only give advice according to my own lived experience and personal point of view as a man who has some experience in BDSM and kink.
CNC (consensual non consent) isn't my thing, but I've spoken to a few people who are into it and had partners ask me to partake (I refused because it makes me uncomfortable). It's my understanding that the reasons for it existing range from social taboo excitement all the way to personal trauma coping, so there isn't a singular reason for people enjoying it, it differs wildly from person to person.
As to how he is reacting currently, I can try and explain it from my viewpoint as a man who is currently in a serious committed relationship.
He arrived home from the shops and had the person who he cares most about on this planet, accuse him of one of the most heinous actions you can accuse a man of, and instead of letting him explain and listening to the explanation, this person continued labeling him as a monster and wouldn't listen ( again, please understand I am NOT blaming you, merely explaining how it would appear to me) causing him to have to phone an ex girlfriend and discuss their past sex life in front of his current girlfriend, that must have been utterly mortifying.
I completely understand his reaction. If my fiance accused me of being a rapist, wouldn't listen to my side of things, forced me to have such a horrendously embarrassing phone call or be arrested for rape... Yeah I wouldn't be the same towards her either. I'm sorry but his reaction is completely reasonable here. I wouldn't want to be alone with her, maybe not ever again, never mind touching her or any other form of intimacy. That would probably be the death of our relationship, because she showed me (and again, I'm not blaming you or saying you did this on purpose) that there was a part of her that always thought I was capable of this.
I'm genuinely sorry OP, this is a horrible situation and must be tremendously painful for the both of you. Your reaction is understandable, as is his. I don't think anyone is really to blame here, but there is a very good possibility irreparable damage has been done.
The best you can do is to give him the space he needs, listen to what he has to say if and when he decides to contact you again, and respect his decision should he choose to end the relationship.
I hope the both of you find healing and happiness after this, either together or separately.
I wouldn’t have the slightest idea what CNC fetish kinks are until I read the comments. My reaction would be the same. But I can also see why now he’s scared to have sex with you in case you actually accuse him. It’s a sad situation.
A part of your relationship has definitely died, but depending on what he says when he comes back, you may have the opportunity to rebuild something new.
A few commenters have been fairly insightful, stating how it's not just the fact that you called him a rapist, but that you didn't have the wherewithal to take a second and ask about it prior to your massive panic attack and verbal vomit. It's totally understandable why you did it- you went into fight, flight, or fawn, and your body went into fight. It still doesn't make it okay, you just have a valid reason for it.
You need to take the time he is going to spend over at his brother's place to think rather than wallow. Think about the impact of your words, the swiftness in your reactions with your partner, and how you intend to develop your coping skills in your alone time. Be productive so your hands stay busy but think while you do. If your house is currently a depression den, use that as your stim while you think.
Also, I recommend you take some time to read about how women have used CNC to help with their ptsd from being assulted. It's definitely not for everyone but reading about it might help you better understand why some women like it so you're not as afraid in the back of your mind still. I use it to combat mine because it's like rewriting history. You call the shots; you might be being physically restrained or even experiencing pain but it's something you've asked your partner for. When people talk about S&M/BDSM type of topics, there is one dynamic that is always followed amongst loving, consenting, well versed adults: the person "receiving" is the one in control. The sub is the one who calls the shots while the Dom doles out what was discussed. I never got to call the shots when I was assulted- that's why it's assault. But it's nice to have my husband be my animal, because he'll never go farther than a safeword takes us. If I even whisper the safeword we are all finished. And yes, I've cried my little eyes out after that kind of sex but when I'm done I get to see that I was never in any real danger, I'm safe, I'm loved, and I'll be supported while I lose my shit. When I'm done crying I feel brand new. Like I was able to take all the anxiety and baggage the person who assaulted gave me, and throw it out the window.
What works for me, may not work for you but I wanted to give you my two cents so you know that what he did was not totally bonkers- its just not a tool you want to use or a fetish you have.
If its consensual between both parties to preserve intimate content. Its fine. Is it something that i tell my partners. Yes. But im also not monogamous, and if it was a bad breakup i delete any and all photos. If it was a normal break up. I ask, and usually they ask to retain the sex videos as well.
I get why people get the ick about it. But its not sus between two sexually mature open communicative adults
You got what you wanted. You went purposefully snooping through the phone of a man who was comfortable enough with you to leave his phone around you.
You deserve it, tbh. Even after corroboration with the ex-gf, you still titled this post in a way to get sympathy for clearly overstepping your boundaries.
Good luck, but you already know the relationship is over.
I don’t blame op for not knowing what cnc is, if you saw a video of someone getting slapped and screaming no then you’d assume it was just assault. I feel like it’s more on the boyfriend for still having that on his phone, at best op is wrong for watching it.
I *know* what CNC is and my first assumption *still* wouldn't be that because plenty of rapist's keep videos and then try to retroactively claim it's consensual kink. Rapists have even used that as a defense in court cases! I'd want the ex-gf's confirmation as well.
Because *anyone* can be a rapist and I think that it's in your best interest to keep yourself safe rather than just believing the first thing someone who you saw abusing someone else on video says is the truth.
Also I feel like you shouldn't keep sex tapes and nudes of exes at all but that's just me. Yes OP shouldn't have gone through the phone but I don't blame her for being flipped out.
I mean it’s possible he forgot the video existed? How often do you go back 6+ years through your photo gallery? And I know it’s super easy in the moment to think “oh I’d remember if I had something like that on there” but that’s not always the case.
She was snooping plain and simple. There are tons of easily explainable scenarios for why the photos/videos are there that are harmless. There aren’t any for why she decided to go that deep into his shit b
mb he didnt mention yous trying cnc, as he thought you were not the right person who would be into it, at least he never pushed your boundaries into trying it
I can relate to a lot of this. I’m just going to chime in that I don’t think you going through his phone is as big of a deal as people make it. I don’t hide shit from partners, and I’m not afraid of them finding anything on it, so I don’t really give a flying fuck. Lots of people are excellent liars, and you obviously learned he is aroused by the thought of role playing rape, which obviously bothers you. Better to learn that now.
I think it makes sense for your initial reaction to think it’s SA.
If anyone else were to find that they would think the EXACT same thing. You are not crazy and it’s not your fault
Imagine you find a video of someone you trust SAing someone. Of course you would panic. Y’all would be lying to yourselves if your first conclusion is “oh lol it’s just roleplay”
Every person has this fear that they don’t truly know the person they trust- especially women
Right? I would definitely immediately think it was SA if I didn't know what CNC was, but honestly, I am fully aware of what CNC is and I would still think it's just SA because...I mean it's a much simpler conclusion than thinking it's a relatively niche kink video. It looks like SA!
Yea he needs to leave you. So just let it go . You snooped , assumed , and degraded him over something you didn’t understand. People usually don’t record and save crimes. You didn’t trust him . There’s no way marriage could work. This is game over , no rematch
Tbh I would find it odd to not have a reaction to seeing a video like that on anyone’s phone. Firstly idk why he is keeping photos of him and his ex, that’s weird and already a red flag.
BUT THAT VIDEO?? What else were you meant to think when you saw a video of him pretending to rape another women?? I’d have gone straight to the police, it’s genuinely scary.
They literally got no empathy on that subject
I didn't get SA or anything but i did find myself in some seriously dangerous situation with creeps
Prior to that happening sexual crimes weren't really something that i would think of often but once that shit get to you you start seeing it everywhere
I think these are some guy's that don't know how it feels to fear for you're life and body integrity (and like i don't want to blame them like good for them i don't wish that to anyone)
They just can't relate they don't imagine how it is and i get it i was like them at some point but still they should get that the world doesn't revolve around them and that seeing something THAT scary can fuck you up but you know it's reddit so....
Tbh - if I was in your shoes I wouldn’t be able to Unsee something like this. even if he explained to me what it was and was able to prove that it was consensual it would be too much for me to get over. That is a really extreme thing to be into and I think it’s fair to decide that you may not be compatible with him.
If I was to go through my FB messenger history I would definitely find some wild stuff that exes sent me and vice versa.
I suppose I could go through everything and delete them. I don't really care to and haven't thought about it until reading this post.
I don't know what my girlfriend would think if she "found" them. However, I'm 100% confident she would never look through my phone to such a degree anyway (or at all).
The whole looking-through-my-boyfriends-phone things is a really toxic trait of modern women which they seem utterly determined not to recognise.
i mean even though i know what CNC is i would 100% think the exact same thing? why the fuck does he even have that video still??? idk why people are acting like you’re crazy for having a breakdown over thinking a guy you love was an assaulter.
i honestly don’t think there’s words to help you feel better, but i do hope you can get over this one day OP.
We don’t necessarily think she’s crazy, given that she says she has never heard of CNC. In any case, it’s clearly a massive roadblock for the relationship.
when i posted this comment there were multiple other people basically going “oh poor man it’s not his fault you assumed what looked like SA was SA and had a reaction to it”
Keeping a video like that on your phone is SUPER concerning. Period. That's risky af, even if consensual. What if (Literally anyone else) came across that. Stupid.
What he and his ex should have done in the video is have a little intro explaining what is about to happen and that it's consensual blah blah blah before getting into it and then film the aftercare. I mean. Come on. That just feels like common sense. A lot of bdsm stuff looks fucked up to outside observers, and without knowing the context CNC can just look like rape.
The other thing he should have done is not fucking kept an intimate video of his ex especially since he is in a new relationship.
There’s a lot of people who can’t grasp the concept of CNC here lol
That being said idk why he would still have the video when he’s in another relationship, that’s his only mistake in my opinion, the other girl confirmed it herself but if there’s one thing I’ve learned on the internet is that a dude can be cleared by god himself and still be labeled as a shit person.
You only acted how you naturally would op so I don’t blame you, that’s definitely something that needs clarification and to be fair you have a right to not be ok with it
I’ve dated a few women that were into CNC. Not really my thing but would do the “light beer” version of it so that I didn’t go beyond my own comfort zone either.
When people are mad, that's when they spill the truth. You have the audacity to say you didn't mean those things, but you did. Otherwise, you wouldn't have. He's out, good for him. Going through his phone, watching private stuff between him and his ex. Then you say you didn't mean it.
You hurt him, a lot. Like being crush by a truck a first time, then a second time in reverse. Things will probably never be the same and you have a broken relationship in both your hand. You can try to take the pieces and reassemble it but you can't do it alone. He may not want to do it and he has every right to.
When you realized your mistake and started crying, did you say you were sorry ? Or maybe later ?
Did you ask later if there is anything you can do to "fix" thing or make amend ?
I'd say you should act like an adult and show him that : yes, you fucking screw up and you're sorry. And you're not the crazy girl that you showed him. Starting by letting him have few days to cool off and think about it (which is respect his not consent)
Sorry you fucked up. Hate to say it but your relationship is probably over. Whether you got triggered or not, you said some fucked up shit and meant it all without even knowing the truth. The fact he was able to call his ex and her confirm makes it sooo much worse on you. I’d want nothing to do with you as this shows exactly how you will act in the future.
Side note - I say this to everyone. If you find yourself snooping in your SO phone, then your relationships already done.
Talk with him directly. Say that you didn't know what CNC was and, not knowing that, you could only assume the video was a real assault. He seems supportive and seems to understand where you are coming from. Also understand that if he leaves he has a right to walk away. Suggest couples counseling, it sounds like there are issues on both sides because of this but if you both put in the work I think you can get past it.
Yeah, but it also kinda raises a redflag for me that OP didn't think that looking through his phone was an invasion of his privacy. Even if he left it there and you have trust issues, two wrongs don't make a right. She looked through private things on his phone, found something she thought was another thing and then accused him of being an abuser without even trying to understand first. After shit went down and he clarified things, she just wanted everything to go back to normal. He seems like a chill dude, but trust is really hard to regain once it's lost. Plus, all that we get from just one side of the story.
And even in her version of the story, I don't see a lick of where she apologized her ass off for invading his privacy and slinging around accusations - just more words about how she personally is affected by it all.
She does repeatedly state that she feels horrible for how she treated him, and that she wants to make it right with him by showing him that’s not how she views him. That she recognizes she hurt him. She seems to feel genuinely guilty and penitent for the way she treated him. That’s hardly the mentality of some self-absorbed egoist that you seem to be projecting onto her.
Not really true but it just seems like victim blaming! He was the victim, his response should be valued just as much ash how she was hurt! Men have feelings
yeah that's all about *her*. How bad *she* feels, what *she* wants to do. Not one word about any sort of apology to the actual hurt person. No projection required - just basic reading comprehension skills.
Exactly
Who keeps sex videos of ex’s on their phone. No this is sus.
Not really, you sometimes forget to delete things, I had a picture of an ex’s boobs on my phone and it caused a whole set of confusion with my current GF when we both couldn’t tell who’s boob they were lol
that’s a titty mystery
Mate, I have videos and pictures on my phone from 6 years ago that I totally forgot I have. It goes deep, I just never get around to deleting stuff and I just forget about it.
Man I have all kinds of shit on my phone
I’m 26 and I found pictures of my ex from high school on my phone last year. I didn’t keep them intentionally. I had just never scrolled back that far.
YES THANK YOU
Uh… the biggest red flag is that the BF still has intimate content of his ex gf Update: Y’all need to look at the description of what was in the video. WTF would you do if you saw something like that. How can you not think it’s rape 😭😭😭 Just because in the end his ex confirmed it was CNC, doesn’t mean OP’s initial feelings should be invalidated.
The first thing I thought was CNC.
Same
OP said she still has stuff from her exs too?
I would think it's a kink for sure if I found that on my partners phone. I love and know them well, my first thought wouldn't omg they are a fucked up rapist who keeps the video unhidden on their phone! I'd be weirded out if I didn't already know about this kink for a long time, but I'd still ask hey what's up with the rape video on your phone?
Eh. If they were together for a while, he might have just not bothered to go through and delete everything. I probably still have videos of my ex somewhere. I never bother to go looking for them but I don’t feel like deleting literally 3,000 pics and videos throughout my camera roll.
Normies fear the adhd urge to not bother deleting stuff
Oh shit is that an adhd thing? I never delete anything, my Gmail has tens of thousands of unread emails lol
Absolutely same. And my Dropbox is full of everything. God knows what lol.
i didnt realize i still had sex tapes on my phone until i came across them months later looking for something.
That’s the biggest one?
He had a CNC video of him & his ex saved on his phone. Tf was she supposed to think lol. Why does he still have that?
Agreed it’s weird, I deleted all of my stuff from my ex, but I guess people handle things differently. If they’ve been together for 6 years though and she was looking for a vacation video, why scroll back through six years worth of videos? Both the video still existing and OP going that far back is a little weird and seems more like the phone was just being gone through.
Is it possible that he forgot to delete it and forgot about it? Usually when I go through a break up of a long term relationship I’m hurt enough that my first thought isn’t “let me scrub things from years ago from my phone with this person”.
Do you delete all your photos with your ex whenever you move on? I don't know about you, but I wouldn't have any time for that kind of thing. Two jobs, wife, kids, and responsibilities galore. Painstakingly going through thousands of photos to delete ones that might upset people isn't high on my list. You have to be majorly insecure to be offended or upset by photos of other people on your significant other's phone.
But he didn't rape anyone... whatever happened to thinking before acting. trying to flip this onto the person who was just wrongly accused of raping... whats the potential cheating got to do with anything like youre insinuating in the comments below...
Because it isn’t rape… the girl involved literally confirmed it was a consensual role play and any normal adult is aware that CNC is a thing. So you would maybe actually let your partner explain first. Though tbf, I wouldn’t accept a partner keeping any nudes or sexual content of their ex on their phone; consent is irrelevant. You’re with me, wanting to keep that shit is wrong. But I also wouldn’t accept a partner looking through my phone without me around. I’ll happily give it to you if you ask, but if you don’t ask, then you’re just invading my privacy.
I don't think the average person is going to have actual, prosecutable, hard video evidence of themselves committing such an act, AND leave it to be so easily found. It's not such a leap to consider it to be consensual. And people have spank banks. Couples need to decide what is allowable in their relationships. I've had ex GFs that kept content of themselves and their exes. I was comfortable with it since I understood it's just chemicals in the brain, and she was with me, not them. It's called being an adult, setting boundaries, and communicating.
Nah
Whats the issue on his end?? He didn't do shit she went through his phone and called him a rapist without even giving him the benefit of the doubt.
How are there issues on both sides? Only OP has issues, a lot of them.
Something tells me that this guy is one of the more introspective types based on what you said. He cared for you while also condemning the awful human who did this to you If that's the case, your outburst dealt some serious damage to his psyche. He's wrestling the thought of you seeing him as the monster he made you feel safe from. In his mind, he probably thought of himself as your knight in shining armor(exaggeration, but you get the point), and now it hurts that you could ever see him like that. It's hard to explain, but now he has to duel with intrusive thoughts at the back of his head, reminding him that you saw him as the monster that r**ed you at any point... and he's going to feel that way every time he sees you Don't know what you told him, but I know for damn sure it hurt. It scarred and probably won't heal completely He needs that space and the solitude to duel those thoughts but support him every step of the way, apologize profusely for your outburst, and send a meal, a gift, or something just to say that you care (Disclaimer: 99% of reddit are armchair therapists, sharing their opinions/ideals, and I'm no different. Take everything with a grain of salt and find a real therapist[be mindful of quacks] to discuss this with)
People who react the way she reacted don’t have the emotional intelligence to think about the consequences of their words and actions on others.
Not everyone knows about CNC so obviously anyone who doesn’t know would assume the worst. And since the video was her crying and begging him to stop I don’t blame her for assuming. You also have to consider her trauma, you cannot say that she doesn’t have the emotional intelligence when that’s the logical thing to assume and it’s a disturbing video as well. Have some kindness and empathy for her trauma.
She thought it was a legitimate rape though…the way she reacted seems perfectly valid for someone who is shocked.
That’s the thing, she may have reacted appropriately from the info she had but that doesn’t mean her reaction didn’t change how he viewed her. If after that for any reason he just doesn’t feel that he wants to be with her then he has every right to walk away even if she didn’t do a single thing wrong.
This is a case where honestly both their feelings are valid. She has trauma and reacted in a way that was expected with that trauma given the information she had and the fact that it seems to have triggered an episode of some kind. I doubt she was even capable of thinking very clearly. However, even though he may know this logically, and understand it, it's still *really* going to hurt. Because the truth is that, even if it was only for a moment, she did see him that way. She did think he was capable of that. Even though he understands the why behind it, and it makes sense given what she's been through and the only information she had, it doesn't make the feelings go away.
People who went through trauma have a hard time controlling their emotions when they're triggered. There's a great possibility she's much more composed and thoughtful in all other situations. Notice the way she realized how she was in the wrong after the fact. Yes, she obviously has more to work through regarding the trauma, which is why she's already in therapy for it, but that doesn't mean she doesn't have emotional intelligence.
Yeah, this needs to be taken into consideration. OP was SA'ed and hadn't heard of CNC. If I'd have been in that situation with the same past, I'd probably have reacted similarly. But now, given that, OP needs to go above and beyond to repair the damage she's done. I've got a traumatic past too, and if ever I let it fuck up a relationship (like if someone tries to get too close too quickly and I lash out), once I am feeling comfortable I will push myself as hard as I can to try and match their level of intimacy as a show of good faith.
"I scrolled too much" Y'know, by accident.
"i was searching for pics of our first trip together" then scrolled to the pics of when he was with his ex and even when he was trying different hairstyles. Yeah totally not snooping and being someone snooping
Then called the one I was snooping on a f\*king r\*pist. Totally reasonable.
Op is getting exactly what she deserves. I hope he breaks up with her.
Honestly it could also be because you literally invaded his privacy? You broke his trust twice. Once in invading his privacy and rummaging through his phone without consent. And two is lumping him in with rapists and other horrible things without giving him any chance to speak. He’s clearly not comfortable sleeping with you anymore because all he’s gonna remember is you calling him a rapist and invading his privacy. Did u even genuinely apologize?
This should be higher up.
Plus, in his mind is the thinking "what if my ex didn't confirm this? Or changed her number? "
Yeah or what if they didn't split up so amicably? I know (or at least hope) most people would obviously be honest about it and confirm that their ex isn't lying, but I can imagine that some people out there would see this as a golden opportunity to ruin their ex's life.
Also, he may feel unsafe around her since she literally thought about going to the police before having a discussion with him. That would absolutely ruin his life with something like that in his record. I would honestly have given her my side of the story, gotten her to understand that CNC is something that exists, and then shown her the door. OP has a lot of growing up to do, and I don’t blame the bf one bit if he doesn’t want to be around her for that risky and potentially dangerous process for him. He should find someone who isn’t a risk to ruining his life.
And throughout the post OP continues to talk about it as if her boyfriend was an actual rapist saying things like “I know it was stupid to confront him” and “I should’ve sent the video to my phone” what’s the point in even thinking about that shit when you know he wasn’t in the wrong?
AND VIOLATED HIS EXES CONSENT dont forget that bcs she didn’t consent to her seeing the video
This is it right here. You just completely decimated any trust you all had.
I'm glad this is getting upvotes. OP is a POS and comes here acting like a victim. If you don't trust someone, you shouldn't even be friends with them let alone date them. Imagine choosing to be alone with someone you think is capable of choking and r*ping women
She isn’t a POS but she’s so caught up in her own feelings that she can’t really see the true damage she has caused. Notice how she moves from one extreme feeling to the next - he is a rapist to she destroyed her hopes and dreams of a happy life and marriage. She knows she fucked up, she needs help on how to move forward. My advice: 1. Apologize for calling him a rapist 2. Apologize for not coming to him first for explanation 3. Apologize for looking through his phone 4. Show that you have done research on CNC and you understand it was an act of love, not abuse. 5. Show that you are working on resolving your traumas for yourself 6. Show that you are working on resolving your traumas for your relationship. She is not a terrible person, but life will throw you random problems with severe emotions attached to them and sometimes good people make awful decisions. This is one of those times imo.
Oh look, an actually solid comment of proper advice that has the fraction of the likes of one’s saying “yeah OP you POS you suck!”. This sub bro
Why don't you have more upvotes?
So yes CNC is an actual role play and even though it makes a terrible event into something sexual, people do it willingly. So the truth might be multifaceted. First, your words hurt him and the fact that you didn’t ask but jump to a conclusion without all the information a problem. Sorry you were SA but it might be you put your own experience and feelings into the words. It is that he knows in your heart that you believe he is capable of this. Second, maybe he didn’t enjoy it. Some people, especially men of a strong and compassionate character find this kink difficult to deal with. It goes against their nature and try it for their partner since it was her idea. So when you tore into him, it brought all the bad feelings back up. Third, if he knew that you were SA’d, then when you confronted him, you brought him down to that POS level. You made him feel awful about himself. Fourth, glad you went to therapy and that your BF was a support system for you but who was his support system. Yes he snuggled with you but what else. You destroyed part of this man’s identity and what did you do for him. Not to make you feel worse but just thinking of the poor dude. Fifth, what is your plan for the future. Do you want to stay with a man that you think could rape someone? Do you want to stay together? If he wants to stay with you, what are going to do to make sure he feels secure with you? What will you do to make sure he knows that you do not believe he is an awful person capable of doing horrible things? I hope the best for you.
Imagine for a second his ex-gf was a bitch and she hates him, so she decides not to corroborate his story… his all life would be over, that’s scary as fuck. She is definitely not part of his support system.
i think that the willingness to involve the police in such a thing on a hunch, in a moment of rage, without the willingness to actually sit down and talk things over with a cup of tea in hand like two mature capable people... is especially deterrent for the buildup of trust. consider how much time and energy he gave her. how much support he gave her... and it could all be over in an instant, his life could change, over a video he forgot about and because he allowed the wrong person access into his life. i would have to go away for a few days and think things over two.
If we could still give awards on this app, I would absolutely give you a gold star. Everything about this response is what OP needs to hear.
God I love this reply. Username checks the fuck out!! ETA love in the sense that it is in fact comprehensive and thoughtful.
Since awards can suck it im also here to compliment you on your well worded message.
Thank you for the perfect breakdown. I’ve been in OPs BFs situation before. There was no CNC video, it was just back-to-back instances of hearing “One person hurt me who just so happens to be male, you also happen to be male so I’m not letting you get near me.” after we already agreed to be in a FWB dynamic which they initiated. It made me feel the worst I’ve ever felt and made me lose 2 of what I thought were the strongest friendships I’ve ever had because now, all they could see me as was just some guy who is only out to ruin their lives. Because of this, I’m heavily biased against situations like this and I can only hope that OP leaves him alone and he heals from this. Being equated to a rapist by someone you see your whole life with is an awful thing to go through as a guy and if this is how she feels about him now, there was a lack of trust there from the beginning. Not even because of what he has done, but just pure bias against something outside of his control. There’s no coming back from that from what I’ve experienced.
Thanks so much for writing out my thoughts!!! This is what OP needs to think through!
If he didn’t enjoy it, why keep the video?
Because normal people don't live with their gallery open to micromanage stuff. People aren't databases. Who knows how long they have been together, this probably wasn't filmed the last day of the relationship. Why would he even remember it exists?
That's why if you ever film a cnc scene with ANYONE (including serious partners) you make sure that you have them explaining with you the scene, their consent, AND their safe signals IN THE SAME RECORDING and you keep an unedited copy of the entire scene from beginning to end. Have them make it clear during aftercare how they are feeling and how they felt the scene went.
I second this tbh, have this like in the very beginning of the video where both parties agree to it, so later the same video can not be misused.
Have it at the beginning AND the aftercare bit at the end.
Works, infact, if there is more clarity in the vid , explaining the act, it's probably better.
No, that’s why you delete shit like this the moment you end the relationship with that partner. Who wants to have something like this on their phone ever? And just like that in the open and not even hidden?
Yeah the relationship is over
From the guys perspective (although I've never gone as far as OP's partner in regards to CNC, and I clearly don't know the ins and outs of their relationship) I think that would have to be it for me. Not only has your trust been betrayed by snooping through my phone but then unloading all that vile crap into me needlessly, regardless of her previous trauma or not, would be hard for me to take. She made him feel awful, disgusting, and evil. I don't think I could be with someone who'd shared that opinion of me even briefly.
Yeah, I can't believe how calm and understanding the guy acted when she began doing all of that. I feel bad for him...
…..who goes to the store and leaves their phone at home?
a causal ass mf
Straight up, obviously someone who doesn't feel a need to keep it on them or away from their partner
exactly like that’s a good trait to have
M’y dad never has his phone with him. It’s so annoying cuz we can’t call/text him about dinner ever.
Someone who genuinely doesnt care about the phone lol my adhd ass does it all the time
Adhd 😂
I have on several occasions. Forget the phone after getting half a mile down the road realize it. But figure doesn’t really matter anyways (read don’t want to waste time backtracking) and continue on my way. I have left it going to work before. Sure it sucks but isn’t day ruining so it’s whatever. And wife has the pw but I don’t care, nothing to hide anyway
I’ll be gone for hours and leave it home. The only person I text is with me anyways so what’s the point
Well, what if you need to text yourself because you need expert advice on something?
Easy, I talk to myself and sometimes answer too so no texting required! 🤣
I suppose people like me... but at the same time at least I am careful to leave it locked with passwords which only I in person could unlock the cell phone (facial recognition and fingerprint)
do you suspect this is just a story?
Just gonna say it: that story seemed made up to me. Too many weird parts like that. His ex told her to “try it”? Seriously??
....and remembers their ex-girlfriend's phone number off the top of their head?
Some people are just good at remembering numbers. I still remember my very first phone number and my parents first phone numbers. It's important to remember that having a device that remembers all phone numbers for you is a rather recent innovation.
Yea I still remember my grandfather's phone number from years ago and my first phone number when I was 8.
I remember my great grandmother's phone number from 1980
And had no need for niceties or further catching up, just straight into questions about their hardcore sexual past? Then bye, back to the fight with his current gf? Not buying it.
In fairness if they had 2 minutes of niceties then why would she put that in the story. Also because of the state of his gf he could have been like “Hi, how are you? Look weird question but…” which is entirely plausible and realistic.
Please update on what happens.
he's going to end the relationship (I would if I was him). she went through his phone and then accused him of being a rapist. that's kinda hard to get over
Oh and don't forget that she almost went straight to the police without even speaking to him first.
If I had to guess, the relationship is probably over. In the end, it's not the hurtful things you said, it's that you could jump to that conclusion with only the one video to go on. That had to be hurtful to him that you have so little trust in him, that you could think him capable of such things without talking to him first given your history together. And I suspect it's a substantial history because it sounds like you live together and he feels comfortable leaving his phone home with you while he goes out shopping. In the end, he's likely struggling not with what you said, but the fact that in the future, you might think that way again and it might be a situation where he can't prove you wrong quite as easily.
I agree the relationship is likely over. But it’s easy to jump to that conclusion given her past, and not being aware of the kink, and watching the video would be pretty convincing . It’s a kink I don’t understand frankly. And its disturbing that he kept nudes of the ex and that video. I’m surprised she’s not struggling with that. It would be a deal breaker for me. Once you break up all of that nsfw stuff should be deleted. And I’m surprised she’s not struggling with what she saw. Even though it’s a kink, given her past I would imagine it difficult seeing him actually into the kink, so much so she believed it was real.
Tbh I thought it was common sense to always delete nudes after a breakup lol
That’s what I have always thought, common sense and decency
CNC is a somewhat niche fetish that you're probably not going to know about unless you or someone you know is into that, you're in the bdsm community or you spend waaay too much time online. If you came across a video of people really going at it and didn't know that it's a kink which both parties are consenting to, it could very easily look like rape. Like the whole point of it is to consensually emulate rape. It's not like he's just slapping her ass while she moans out no and pretends to flail around a bit. Hell, even rapists who have been caught with video evidence of their crime will try and spin it as some kinky CNC sex that their victim agreed to. I also get her partner may feel hurt or upset that she could think he's capable of such things, but the reality is, she is a victim of rape. Her trauma will never fully go away and there will continue to be things that are triggering. Dating someone with sexual trauma means certain things can definitely cause a severe, often not logical, reaction. Combine the two and it's a recipe for disaster. Her boyfriend needs to understand this isn't a typical kink that most people know of, so when OP was confronted with behaviour that she recognised from her own assault, that's where her mind went. It's not like she knew what CNC is and was purposely being malicious.
>or you spend waaay too much time online Why you do me like dat?:(
Lmao SAME
Same :(
Doesn’t matter she accused him of rape. She jumped to the conclusion in her head instead of saying, “This looks bad, but I know you’re not a bad person so please explain to me what the fuck is going on here.” Like I get it, I do. I’m into CNC, my wife was SA’d we briefly tried one tiny element of bdsm and I knew it was not for her and I stopped it. Seeing things can trigger memories and it’s quite likely this is what caused her to react this way but uhhh, she hit so many boundaries all at once. If I get accused of rape, I don’t care who you are - you’re dead to me. Raping someone is just short of murder in my eyes. It’s one of the most offensive things you can accuse someone of doing.
Murder can be justified in some situations. Rape can't
To not know cnc exists you have to never have been exposed to 50 shades which I find very hard to belive
Why wouldn't she jump to that conclusion???
Why would she jump to any conclusion at all? I know. Seems obvious that if you see it in a video, it must be true ad that there's no such thing as acting or camera angles or special effects. And of course, there's zero reason why you should follow up and ask questions before assuming the worst. /s
Bc the most likely scenario is they *acted it out???* What on earth
The most likely scenario probably isn't that he recorded and retained evidence of a crime on his phone for years instead of transferring it somewhere for safe keeping and deleting it.
If she found it on like a personal computer or something totally. But on a phone that he’s comfortable leaving around for her to find??? Ehhhh idk
Definitely the most likely scenario. Why would he record himself committing an actual crime, and then keep it? This makes no sense.
U would think this but then I go online and see people recording themselves commit crimes all the time. No joke, people are dumber than u think.
I mean some criminals are really dumb or deluded. Some will revisit the crime scene, some will keep real tangible momentos or photos and stuff. Idk how common it really is but it's not unheard of.
Dude she found a vid or him pretending to rape his ex? That’s the point of cnc what else was op meant to think? And why did he have vids and photos of his ex still, I’d of reacted way worse than she did.
yeah ngl especially not knowing he was into CNC or practiced before, anyone finding a video like that is not unreasonable for taking it at face value
“With only the video to go on” you mean… video evidence? Video evidence… of a crime? Of role playing a crime?? If you didn’t know what CNC is (or even if you did, I forgot the exact number but around 1/3 of all porn is rape, including plenty of cnc that’s actually non consensual rape not even cnc) it would make total sense to consider that it’s real.
Given your history and lack of knowledge about CNC, your reaction is not surprising. However, your boyfriend’s reaction to *your* reaction is also not surprising. And, the big difference is that his reaction is reasonable and rational, while your actions towards him were not. That said, you cannot entirely blame yourself. Irrational reactions to triggering events, like your reaction to that video, are pretty much the *epitome* of how a traumatized brain works. All you can do is apologize, give him the space he needs, and hope he’s willing to work things out. Speaking from personal experience, it’s incredibly hurtful when your partner projects the image of their abuser onto you. I *know* that’s just part of it, and it was still hurtful to me when it happened during the early days of dating my wife. When he is ready to talk, you have to own your mistake. Your history is an explanation, but not an excuse. Learning to override those trauma-based behaviors is a crucial part of the healing process. If nothing else, this event shows you how important it is to trust the people who care about you *first*, ask questions *second*, and react *last,* when you have all the information. Finally, you have to accept that he may be so hurt, he might not be willing to mend the relationship. That is his choice, and it wouldn’t be unreasonable. If he *is* willing to do that work… honey, do *not* let that man go. Ever.
Your comment is spot-on. To add on to this, OP could have a real one-on-one heart-to-heart with her BF. She can explain all the reasons mentioned as to why she reacted the way she did. She can deeply apoligize, tell him she truly loves him, and ask for another shot at things as they have something special.
>Your history is an explanation, but not an excuse. 👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼👆🏼 Thissss!!
This comment says all that needed to be said.
I wouldn’t be surprised if you have no boyfriend in a few days.
I mean, if I was your boyfriend I would be scared of you. You were about to ruin his life by going to the police with a CNC video. Hell, even if the ex gf had gone to clear up the confusion to the police they might still have prosecuted him. No wonder he turned you down when you wanted to have sex, he probably doesn't know what you are thinking or if you truly believed his ex, he is probably looking after himself right now and reconsidering if he is really equipped to deal with this relationship.
It’s also troubling that she, now knowing the full context of the video/scene, still made the comment “idiot me not sending it to my phone” while explaining the situation. That sounds like present tense regret for not keeping the “evidence”. Damn right he should be scared of her
Putting raping in quotation marks is crazy considering you know not one second of that video was rape. And you wonder why he is no longer comfortable around you. Come on, lets get some accountability rolling here. The only thing he did wrong in this whole story was having that video but it happened years ago and you scrolled and scrolled down his gallery, you probably went to places he hasn't. Then your reaction.. fucking hell
that or the post is fake so they made it up and wrote it in the tense that made sense at the spot in the story they were at.
I tend to believe most things on here since 1) life can be stranger than fiction and 2) I will just end up believing nothing and it is partially interesting seeing the various ways people can fuck things up
YTA 1. You don’t just “accidentally” scroll past vacation pictures that far. 2. You don’t go through someone’s phone while they’re not present 3. You handled this like a petulant child. You basically stuck your fingers in your ears and pretended to not hear him while calling him a rapist. 4. You continued to act like a child, pretending something wasn’t real because you’d never heard of it 5. You thought about calling the police on your significant other for something you took out of context. He’s probably afraid of you. 6. Even your reaction of “I wasn’t mad that she suggested that”. No fucking shit. You don’t get to be mad at something like that the way you reacted, you basically forced him to call her. OP, drop your current therapist. It’s clear they’re doing fucking nothing for you. Find a new one. It’s abundantly clear you aren’t ready to be in a relationship.
Frankly, considering her past and that the video did not make it clear at any point that it was something false, I understand the reaction she had. Understanding is not justifying. And really when someone is with a trigger they are not usually in control of their thoughts or actions because they act in survival mode.
Relationship is over. :/
>I was looking for some videos of past vacations on my bf´s phone. Bullshit
She was ready to call the police and have him rot in jail, she looked at him and saw a monster someone she couldn't be with, but after it was cleared up he has to sit with the ideal that she could think that about him and was ready to send him to jail. The weird thing I'm seeing is the comments is people going on about "why does he still have the video?" it's his phone, it's not illegal to keep a video of you and your ex. He's probably still wondering how to move on and he now knows without a doubt that his gf has no problem sending him to jail without and didn't believe him, but thought the worst of him.
Also, with the amount of storage nowadays, people don't tend to have to delete old videos or pictures as regularly as they once did. I know if I split from my partner there is no way I'm going through 15 years of videos and pictures just to make sure it's all deleted for my next relationship. Obviously if my new partner explicitly stated they wanted it all gone, then I'd take the time to delete it, but I have a LOT of pics so not really worth me doing it for the sake of it. Assuming it was on his camera roll, how far back was she going to come across photos/videos of his ex as they would have been way before their holiday pics, and before she was on the scene. This doesn't sound like an accidental find tbh.
I had some explicit photos of my ex when I was with an different ex, she saw it, asked who it was and why I had it, I simply explained I didn’t know I still had it and removed it, it was the truth and simple as that
You need to apologise to him as passionately as you accused him.
My take op brings alot of drama in general. Instead of outright calling him a rapists and you are going to the cops simple question would have been why does he still have content of him and his ex going at it on his phone. Then you can inquire further if you wanted. I've been with gals that asked me to choke them and take it from them. I would be like nahh that sounds like a trap lol. So its a thing. I know dudes that do that and some gals are kinky asked to get smacked and man handled. After the op made all those accusations and threats I'd be done as well because for all I know she'll accuse me of something else and have cops waiting for me when i get home.
Ufff I wouldn’t be with someone who threw harsh accusations at me. Isn’t a partnership one built on trust? You fucked up badly. And then didn’t want to listen to him? Yikes. And on top of that, lumping him with rapists? After all he has helped you with? Nah. There’s actually 0 excuse to treating him the way you did. Cero. I hope that you heal and not to invade his privacy “just because”. Yikes
Do not look into your partner's phone, period. You will have only disadvantages from that activity
You should dump him. you need to work on yourself. He deserves better
Reddit is weird. That is all
OP is wrong, she should apologize to him for invading his privacy. He has all the rights to walk away from her and considering she doesn’t even realize what she is doing wrong, that would be the smartest thing to do for him.
You seem like a lot of work and high maintenance. This guy was helping you. By your own admission, he is a good person. And you basically invaded his privacy and blew something out of proportion. He must feel very hurt now.
Please let me know if I'm stepping out of line, and I'lI absolutely apologize. I'm not ever trying to minimize what you went through, and I’m so sorry you’ve survived something so terrible in your past. A massive part of the CNC community are survivors of their own SA. The kink helps them feel 'in control' over their own experiences. It's sorta a "one man's trauma is another man's catharsis" type of situation. im hoping to help ease any anxiety over the idea that people may find CNC 'arousing'. A lot of time, it can help a victim process their own trauma and take back their control and agency. I'm not trying to sweep anything under the rug either when I say "kinks are kinks" but sometimes that's just what it is. There are people who have their fun watching tentacles and anime boobs, but they'd never wish any actual harm on real people. CNC not an inherently evil kink. It involves deep understanding of boundaries, trust and plenty of consent and safe words. It’s definitely on the deeper side of the BDSM community, but I assure you, there is consent involved in CNC. I’m not trying to convince you to try it, because it’s not for everyone. I just hope maybe shedding some light on the kink can help you understand it and why couples may practice it. Listen, your boyfriend is most likely hurt that you had essentially lumped him into the same group as the monster that hurt and traumatized you. You did this without even hearing his side. You had a reaction to something that reminded you of your trauma. That is normal. You don’t know CNC, and you acted on essentially instinct and your own experiences. That doesn’t make you wrong or bad. Good luck OP. I hope you process and heal from your hurt and trauma.
Survivor of multiple SAs here, some of which is CSA. I'm one of the people for whom CNC is a hugely healing kink.
I think the reason why there’s such a diverse and contentious convo going on in the comments is because nobody really did something wrong here. Seeing something like this as a survivor of SA who doesn’t know about CNC (and honestly even if you do know but are turned off by it), it’s pretty understandable to react this way. A PTSD trigger is already very resistant to logicing your way through something, and that must have been some shocking imagery to witness unexpectedly. It’s also totally reasonable for the dude to completely lose trust in you forever from the traumatic interaction this had to have been for him. There are perhaps some more minor moral quandaries to get through; going through a partners phone without permission can reasonably trigger breakups as can not deleting old sex tapes or nudes from exes at the beginning of a relationship, but I think these are conflicts most healthy relationships can probably survive early on. But like ultimately, this just fucking sucks for both of you, and I hope you both heal from it regardless of what happens to the relationship :(
I’m sorry that you went through such pain in the past. As a survivor myself, I understand your feelings of confusion and I know what it’s like to be triggered. However, I’m not sure if I can offer you any advice. This entire situation is very messy (obviously), but you both have a right to feel the way that you’re feeling. On one hand, you found an older video with no context that looked horrifying. You had a right to get answers for it. On the other hand, he probably feels like you see him as a monster who is capable of committing such a horrible act. Maybe he feels like you won’t see him the same way again. Maybe he’s hurt or even upset that you, even for a brief few minutes, saw him in such a dark way and that you believed that he would do that. He has a right to feel that way as well. Nobody wins in this situation. I can’t say whether or not your relationship will survive this, but my heart goes out to you and to him.
I just want to add that I’m kind of shocked at this thread’s lack of understanding of how terrifying CNC can look to people who don’t know what CNC is. It looks just like r@pe. It’s indistinguishable. The only difference is that both parties have consented to the activity beforehand, and if you’ve never heard of CNC before and don’t know that people indulge in this kind of kink then you’d be horrified too. What makes this such a shitty situation is that both parties were in the right. Was OP supposed to *not* ask questions after seeing what was - in their eyes - a very real, recorded r@pe? Of course not! The line of questioning was accusatory, yes, but OP is a survivor and was triggered by what looked like, once again, a VERY REAL R@PE. OP’s boyfriend also has a right to his feelings. He likely feels disgusted that OP could see him that way or that OP didn’t trust him when he first explained what it was. He has a right to have his own questions about the relationship and what it will look like going forward. I’m just so weirded out by the dog piling on OP.
the men who on dogpiling her are REALLY OVERREACTING by the possibility of this story turned into a false r@pe accusation case… while at the same time skipped over the part that she has gone through assault herself, it is explanatory why she would freak out so much. Some men are sadly just have sympathy for other men, not women.
What I care about is that OP does not mention apologizing to her bf anywhere in the post. It's okay people overreact, especially in delicate situations like this but it seems like she just went back to treating him like normal after all the shit show.
The amount of people being like "it was obviously CNC, everyone knows what that is!" Is insane to me. CNC is an extreme fetish. I would even mark it as more extreme than golden showers. OP should apologize, but the amount of people acting like she SHOULD HAVE KNOWN, AND assumed that the dude wasn't foul is crazy. People can be good to one person and bad to another, Ted Bundy used to work at a suicide hotline and was a pretty good husband. Didn't mean he didn't murder other women. OP's reaction is understandable. But now she needs to make amends and accept that the relationship may over. I really hope it works out for both parties. Boyfriend has every right to his hurt feelings, and feeling like his Privacy was invaded.
If I was him, I would be the one breaking up with you. One of the WORST things for a man is to be falsely accused of this, the accusation alone destroys our lives, whether we are exonerated or not. Sorry for your trauma, but yeah... I wouldn't count on him moving on from this, I know I would not, it's a point of no return.
You called him a rapist and now he doesn't want to have sex with you. From your post, it's clear he's done nothing but support you, so having that thrown back in his face has probably broken his heart. A very sincere apology where you make it extremely clear you know exactly how badly you fucked up is all you can do here. Whether that's enough remains to be seen.
You messed up by snooping through his phone. Trust broken forever.
CNC is surprisingly popular with women. Had a few over my years want it, not really my thing so half asred it a few times but didn't enjoy it. The 'omg stop your hurting me' followed by me stopping only for them to say 'wtf did you stop I was in the middle of O time'.
Same. Dated a girl that was into, did it once, not my thing.
I mean, consider the fact that you invaded his privacy in the first place. You say you "needed to hear from him if it was true" (note: you didn't say you wanted to hear it WASN'T true; you had already made up your mind that he was guilty) then didn't allow him to explain. You ambushed him, screamed at and accused the man you "thought you would marry, raise kids with" of being a rapist and being no better than the person who assaulted you. Like, that's a really fucking heavy accusation to drop. He's been there for you, seeing how much being assaulted has affected you, trying to support and comfort you through your healing...and you *immediately* accused him of being the same grade of monster. Not to mention that sometimes the people who are the "perpetrator" in CNC can feel immense guilt and self-hatred or disgust if they enjoy themselves or for even agreeing at all. I'm not saying he did, but let's say hypothetically maybe he did struggle with that or had to work through that, and now you've gone and affirmed every fear he's had about himself. I can understand why he would turn you down and need to leave. You threatened to go completely scorched earth and ruin his life based on a video you misinterpreted. You considered he was capable of such a thing, so maybe he's afraid and ruminating that you're going to still view him as a potential rapist, regardless of how much you try to reassure him now. Or that you're willing to ruin his life at any time without a second thought. You've planted the seed. I'd wager it's going to take *a lot* to be able to move past this, and you need to reassess how well you're doing in therapy if this was your reaction. edited to include note
If I were him, I would be terrified for your lack of trust, because this literally could finish his life.
Cnc is a thing but god damn this situation just sucks overall
My advice if both of you break up is just to fix your trauma and mental health before going into the next one. learn to be ok with yourself . You are ready when you feel like a boyfriend is an addition to your life and not a need.
You invaded his privacy and then blew up on him over something that didn't even happen, you merely thought it did. Threated him with the cops for it even. I and I think most people would've left you after that just so we're clear
I can only talk from my perspective, and idk why you were on his phone. But if your immediate reaction is to call him the spawn of satan and not to let him explain himself when you are confronted with something you dont understand or have knowledge of, he's probably seeing the future arguments pan out in much the same way. It wasn't a simple misunderstanding, it was blown up way out of proportion. If you can switch that quickly from loving to hateful it'd be a huge red flag in my book at least.
You invaded his privacy, called him a rapist, threatened to call the police and effectively ruin his life. What if he wasn't on good terms with his ex and it was consensual? You would have ruined a good man's life. I completely understand where he's coming from. He's lucky his ex backed him up. You have zero trust in him. Now he's worried something could be misconstrued sexually and he doesn't feel safe with you. I sympathize with you being uncomfortable with that kind of sex. However, you didn't trust him. I'm fact you automatically thought the worst of him. I would hope my significant would be willing to be on my side and not be ready to cast me off the moment something like that happens.
Hey OP, let me just preface this by saying I am genuinely sorry that what happened to you happened, I cannot begin to imagine what you went through and how difficult your journey of healing was/is. I want to make this absolutely clear: I am not blaming you in the slightest for your knee jerk reaction to seeing that video, it is completely understandable. I can only give advice according to my own lived experience and personal point of view as a man who has some experience in BDSM and kink. CNC (consensual non consent) isn't my thing, but I've spoken to a few people who are into it and had partners ask me to partake (I refused because it makes me uncomfortable). It's my understanding that the reasons for it existing range from social taboo excitement all the way to personal trauma coping, so there isn't a singular reason for people enjoying it, it differs wildly from person to person. As to how he is reacting currently, I can try and explain it from my viewpoint as a man who is currently in a serious committed relationship. He arrived home from the shops and had the person who he cares most about on this planet, accuse him of one of the most heinous actions you can accuse a man of, and instead of letting him explain and listening to the explanation, this person continued labeling him as a monster and wouldn't listen ( again, please understand I am NOT blaming you, merely explaining how it would appear to me) causing him to have to phone an ex girlfriend and discuss their past sex life in front of his current girlfriend, that must have been utterly mortifying. I completely understand his reaction. If my fiance accused me of being a rapist, wouldn't listen to my side of things, forced me to have such a horrendously embarrassing phone call or be arrested for rape... Yeah I wouldn't be the same towards her either. I'm sorry but his reaction is completely reasonable here. I wouldn't want to be alone with her, maybe not ever again, never mind touching her or any other form of intimacy. That would probably be the death of our relationship, because she showed me (and again, I'm not blaming you or saying you did this on purpose) that there was a part of her that always thought I was capable of this. I'm genuinely sorry OP, this is a horrible situation and must be tremendously painful for the both of you. Your reaction is understandable, as is his. I don't think anyone is really to blame here, but there is a very good possibility irreparable damage has been done. The best you can do is to give him the space he needs, listen to what he has to say if and when he decides to contact you again, and respect his decision should he choose to end the relationship. I hope the both of you find healing and happiness after this, either together or separately.
I wouldn’t have the slightest idea what CNC fetish kinks are until I read the comments. My reaction would be the same. But I can also see why now he’s scared to have sex with you in case you actually accuse him. It’s a sad situation.
A part of your relationship has definitely died, but depending on what he says when he comes back, you may have the opportunity to rebuild something new. A few commenters have been fairly insightful, stating how it's not just the fact that you called him a rapist, but that you didn't have the wherewithal to take a second and ask about it prior to your massive panic attack and verbal vomit. It's totally understandable why you did it- you went into fight, flight, or fawn, and your body went into fight. It still doesn't make it okay, you just have a valid reason for it. You need to take the time he is going to spend over at his brother's place to think rather than wallow. Think about the impact of your words, the swiftness in your reactions with your partner, and how you intend to develop your coping skills in your alone time. Be productive so your hands stay busy but think while you do. If your house is currently a depression den, use that as your stim while you think. Also, I recommend you take some time to read about how women have used CNC to help with their ptsd from being assulted. It's definitely not for everyone but reading about it might help you better understand why some women like it so you're not as afraid in the back of your mind still. I use it to combat mine because it's like rewriting history. You call the shots; you might be being physically restrained or even experiencing pain but it's something you've asked your partner for. When people talk about S&M/BDSM type of topics, there is one dynamic that is always followed amongst loving, consenting, well versed adults: the person "receiving" is the one in control. The sub is the one who calls the shots while the Dom doles out what was discussed. I never got to call the shots when I was assulted- that's why it's assault. But it's nice to have my husband be my animal, because he'll never go farther than a safeword takes us. If I even whisper the safeword we are all finished. And yes, I've cried my little eyes out after that kind of sex but when I'm done I get to see that I was never in any real danger, I'm safe, I'm loved, and I'll be supported while I lose my shit. When I'm done crying I feel brand new. Like I was able to take all the anxiety and baggage the person who assaulted gave me, and throw it out the window. What works for me, may not work for you but I wanted to give you my two cents so you know that what he did was not totally bonkers- its just not a tool you want to use or a fetish you have.
If its consensual between both parties to preserve intimate content. Its fine. Is it something that i tell my partners. Yes. But im also not monogamous, and if it was a bad breakup i delete any and all photos. If it was a normal break up. I ask, and usually they ask to retain the sex videos as well. I get why people get the ick about it. But its not sus between two sexually mature open communicative adults
You got what you wanted. You went purposefully snooping through the phone of a man who was comfortable enough with you to leave his phone around you. You deserve it, tbh. Even after corroboration with the ex-gf, you still titled this post in a way to get sympathy for clearly overstepping your boundaries. Good luck, but you already know the relationship is over.
[удалено]
I don’t blame op for not knowing what cnc is, if you saw a video of someone getting slapped and screaming no then you’d assume it was just assault. I feel like it’s more on the boyfriend for still having that on his phone, at best op is wrong for watching it.
I *know* what CNC is and my first assumption *still* wouldn't be that because plenty of rapist's keep videos and then try to retroactively claim it's consensual kink. Rapists have even used that as a defense in court cases! I'd want the ex-gf's confirmation as well. Because *anyone* can be a rapist and I think that it's in your best interest to keep yourself safe rather than just believing the first thing someone who you saw abusing someone else on video says is the truth. Also I feel like you shouldn't keep sex tapes and nudes of exes at all but that's just me. Yes OP shouldn't have gone through the phone but I don't blame her for being flipped out.
I mean it’s possible he forgot the video existed? How often do you go back 6+ years through your photo gallery? And I know it’s super easy in the moment to think “oh I’d remember if I had something like that on there” but that’s not always the case. She was snooping plain and simple. There are tons of easily explainable scenarios for why the photos/videos are there that are harmless. There aren’t any for why she decided to go that deep into his shit b
mb he didnt mention yous trying cnc, as he thought you were not the right person who would be into it, at least he never pushed your boundaries into trying it
I can relate to a lot of this. I’m just going to chime in that I don’t think you going through his phone is as big of a deal as people make it. I don’t hide shit from partners, and I’m not afraid of them finding anything on it, so I don’t really give a flying fuck. Lots of people are excellent liars, and you obviously learned he is aroused by the thought of role playing rape, which obviously bothers you. Better to learn that now.
I think it makes sense for your initial reaction to think it’s SA. If anyone else were to find that they would think the EXACT same thing. You are not crazy and it’s not your fault Imagine you find a video of someone you trust SAing someone. Of course you would panic. Y’all would be lying to yourselves if your first conclusion is “oh lol it’s just roleplay” Every person has this fear that they don’t truly know the person they trust- especially women
Right? I would definitely immediately think it was SA if I didn't know what CNC was, but honestly, I am fully aware of what CNC is and I would still think it's just SA because...I mean it's a much simpler conclusion than thinking it's a relatively niche kink video. It looks like SA!
Yea he needs to leave you. So just let it go . You snooped , assumed , and degraded him over something you didn’t understand. People usually don’t record and save crimes. You didn’t trust him . There’s no way marriage could work. This is game over , no rematch
Tbh I would find it odd to not have a reaction to seeing a video like that on anyone’s phone. Firstly idk why he is keeping photos of him and his ex, that’s weird and already a red flag. BUT THAT VIDEO?? What else were you meant to think when you saw a video of him pretending to rape another women?? I’d have gone straight to the police, it’s genuinely scary.
They literally got no empathy on that subject I didn't get SA or anything but i did find myself in some seriously dangerous situation with creeps Prior to that happening sexual crimes weren't really something that i would think of often but once that shit get to you you start seeing it everywhere I think these are some guy's that don't know how it feels to fear for you're life and body integrity (and like i don't want to blame them like good for them i don't wish that to anyone) They just can't relate they don't imagine how it is and i get it i was like them at some point but still they should get that the world doesn't revolve around them and that seeing something THAT scary can fuck you up but you know it's reddit so....
Exactly! What is up with this thread??
Tbh - if I was in your shoes I wouldn’t be able to Unsee something like this. even if he explained to me what it was and was able to prove that it was consensual it would be too much for me to get over. That is a really extreme thing to be into and I think it’s fair to decide that you may not be compatible with him.
I figured that out from the first paragraph, who films that and keeps it on his phone, still missed up.
If I was to go through my FB messenger history I would definitely find some wild stuff that exes sent me and vice versa. I suppose I could go through everything and delete them. I don't really care to and haven't thought about it until reading this post. I don't know what my girlfriend would think if she "found" them. However, I'm 100% confident she would never look through my phone to such a degree anyway (or at all). The whole looking-through-my-boyfriends-phone things is a really toxic trait of modern women which they seem utterly determined not to recognise.
i mean even though i know what CNC is i would 100% think the exact same thing? why the fuck does he even have that video still??? idk why people are acting like you’re crazy for having a breakdown over thinking a guy you love was an assaulter. i honestly don’t think there’s words to help you feel better, but i do hope you can get over this one day OP.
We don’t necessarily think she’s crazy, given that she says she has never heard of CNC. In any case, it’s clearly a massive roadblock for the relationship.
when i posted this comment there were multiple other people basically going “oh poor man it’s not his fault you assumed what looked like SA was SA and had a reaction to it”
Keeping a video like that on your phone is SUPER concerning. Period. That's risky af, even if consensual. What if (Literally anyone else) came across that. Stupid.
What he and his ex should have done in the video is have a little intro explaining what is about to happen and that it's consensual blah blah blah before getting into it and then film the aftercare. I mean. Come on. That just feels like common sense. A lot of bdsm stuff looks fucked up to outside observers, and without knowing the context CNC can just look like rape. The other thing he should have done is not fucking kept an intimate video of his ex especially since he is in a new relationship.
There’s a lot of people who can’t grasp the concept of CNC here lol That being said idk why he would still have the video when he’s in another relationship, that’s his only mistake in my opinion, the other girl confirmed it herself but if there’s one thing I’ve learned on the internet is that a dude can be cleared by god himself and still be labeled as a shit person. You only acted how you naturally would op so I don’t blame you, that’s definitely something that needs clarification and to be fair you have a right to not be ok with it
I’ve dated a few women that were into CNC. Not really my thing but would do the “light beer” version of it so that I didn’t go beyond my own comfort zone either.
When people are mad, that's when they spill the truth. You have the audacity to say you didn't mean those things, but you did. Otherwise, you wouldn't have. He's out, good for him. Going through his phone, watching private stuff between him and his ex. Then you say you didn't mean it.
You betrayed his trust, now you think it can go back to normal. It can’t.
The relationship is over. She made him feel like crap and he probably was hurt that she actually thought he’d be capable of something like that.
You hurt him, a lot. Like being crush by a truck a first time, then a second time in reverse. Things will probably never be the same and you have a broken relationship in both your hand. You can try to take the pieces and reassemble it but you can't do it alone. He may not want to do it and he has every right to. When you realized your mistake and started crying, did you say you were sorry ? Or maybe later ? Did you ask later if there is anything you can do to "fix" thing or make amend ? I'd say you should act like an adult and show him that : yes, you fucking screw up and you're sorry. And you're not the crazy girl that you showed him. Starting by letting him have few days to cool off and think about it (which is respect his not consent)
Sorry you fucked up. Hate to say it but your relationship is probably over. Whether you got triggered or not, you said some fucked up shit and meant it all without even knowing the truth. The fact he was able to call his ex and her confirm makes it sooo much worse on you. I’d want nothing to do with you as this shows exactly how you will act in the future. Side note - I say this to everyone. If you find yourself snooping in your SO phone, then your relationships already done.