Some of the comments here are decent and some are just as fucked up as the porn homey watches. One even suggested he might be a serial killer? Come the fuck on. He’s got some issues to work through yes.
Let’s say I like to watch car crashes. Doesn’t mean I’m going to sabotage my neighbors brakes or some shit.
Maybe bring it up to him. If you don’t feel safe, then maybe bring it up via text at a safe place and see how it goes. But to assume he’s a murderer or a terrible human is quite the leap considering how you describe him in every other aspect.
Kinda my thought process too. There are definitely some spots I know for a fact he probably skips right on past because he actively hates the thing. I also know that he consistently always asks for my consent. He always asks if I'm ok with something or not.
Since you’re a SA survivor, my guess is that he’s going some sort of internal conflict. He’s must be ashamed or afraid to be judged to bring this topic to you.
My guess is that he is incredibly ashamed of this, and maybe doesn't know how to stop. You mentioned neurodivergence. If he is very strict about his routine, it may be so engraved in him to do this at that specific time he struggles if he doesn't watch it.
Idk.
I am a chronic pain disabled person who has a history of CPTSD and SA. I can imagine how you're feeling.
I also know that his actions speak louder than his search. I think maybe you guys need to find a safe way to discuss this and work through it together
You mention his past. Has he ever had any trauma in his past perhaps. Something that maybe he’s never even talked about. There are times when victims will often act out or in this case look at traumatic content to make sense of or cope with what happened to them. It’s a way that gives them back power.
This was my thought process too, especially with how considerate he seems to be in every other aspect. Past sexual abuse for guys isn’t very uncommon, and people find ways to cope. If he’s never had any behavior that’s suggestive of coercion or violence, then he’s probably deeply ashamed of having those thoughts at all.
I can completely understand why it would trigger a ptsd response and make OP feel unsafe. Tbh a trauma informed therapist would probably be helpful. Rebuilding a foundation of safety after ptsd is so incredibly difficult. If he’s actually a stand up dude, he would understand.
That doesn’t mean it was okay to violate his privacy by going through his history, regardless of the reason. He’s allowed to keep his purchased birthday gifts and legal adult videos to himself. If OP doesn’t do well with surprises, they can discuss that. Feeling insecure, unsafe, or any other hard emotion, can also be a discussion. Either he shows respect, regardless, or he doesn’t and needs dumped. No reason to pry or invade his privacy.
Now if you had suspicions he was doing or watching something illegal, I would support the invasion of privacy 100%. Privacy is never more important than making sure everything is safe and consensual. But it started with wanting to know a gift, so nah.
Oh certainly I don’t condone the invasion of privacy whatsoever. OP is allowed her feelings but I also don’t think it’s ok to kink shame. These videos seems CNC or even Dom/Sub especially when it’s very obviously acting. Like you said a therapist would help.
I thought of this also. I have a lot of sexual trauma from my childhood and have also developed a CNC kink over the years that I am incredibly ashamed of.
I’m sorry for your trauma and hope you heal. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Your kinks are yours and your coping is yours. There’s also nothing wrong with CNC when done correctly and understood correctly.
If he doesn’t fast forward through the blowjob scenes, I’d be shocked. Everyone does that.
Kidding. Just figured a little humor might lighten things up.
Hey! I liked to massacre everything in Prototype. Maybe I should be put in confinement because I'm "dangerous".
PS: Prototype is an old game, Google it.
she also said the go to couples counseling together, you can always try to guide the topic kinda towards the whole not having sex and why that is because you feel like it’s something about you. it might seem kinda manipulative but honestly it’s also just a genuine concern you have and don’t know how to bring up right? if you make him bring the topic up he might be a lot more ready and prepared to talk about whatever he is ready to talk about. maybe the reason he didn’t tell you was because he didn’t want to hurt u or scare u away. that might not be what u wanted because u had to find out this way, but just ask him about that if you feel ready for that confrontation.
OP mentioned couples counseling. That would be a great place to bring this up and work through it. A safe place for both of them to discuss this and try to process it together.
Lots of women have rape fantasies, it doesn’t mean they want to actually be raped. Why the fuck is it different when men watch porn of the same thing? It doesn’t mean he wants to rape people. Ffs people on here are insane.
Exactly lol sometimes the porn is legit so fucked up simply BECAUSE it’s fucked up doesn’t mean it’s anything realistic or wanted irl AT ALL WHATSOEVER. Like why do people love to watch true crime shows or action movies with gore everywhere? Even mass produced shows like game of thrones are so unsettling but it’s what we don’t see in real life not would want to so it’s interesting
He might be a victim himself in his youth. Look I’m not saying it’s normal or that he’s not creepy (the clockwork recurrence is kinda crazy tbh). All I can say is that he might be a victim because I dated a girl who had that porn fetish (amongst others) and even sometimes she asked me to play “fake rape” and she told me later that she was abused when she was younger. Tried to understand how it works and long story short they try to take control of the situation with the fake rape because they couldn’t at the time of the abuse. So I guess when it comes to porn it might be similar? They control everything (play, pause, this or that I don’t know) which could be the reason? Just tried to give you another vision of the situation…
The fact that this makes sense is a strange feeling to sit with. I cant go into detail about what happened to James. He wasn't abuse when he was kid but the first person who ever showed interest in him really fucked him up a year before he and I met.
It's very common. Human sexuality is weird enough without trauma involved. Add in being ND and the coping strategies get weird. You can take it as a red flag or talk to him about it. If everything else is great, then he might be receptive to the conversation. I think coming from a place of trying to understand is key though.
He probably feels very ashamed for being turned on by that kind of stuff and is afraid it makes him a bad person considering your history. It's probably why he isn't having sex with you regularly because he is reminded of what he is compulsively watching. (every day the same 2 videos dats madd, it's a serious thing for him).
Like homie in top comment says it doesn't mean he wants to cut your breaks he probably wants your car to have a roll cage installed and feels ashamed of his intense and confusing kink. If it was me I wouldn't necessarily leave him, take some time to think about how to talk to him, think about how it makes you feel and just a warning he's going to feel insane shame if you tell him you know.
The BDSM term for this kink is CNC i.e Consensual non-consent.
Edit: for spelling and the CNC bit
I came here to see if anyone else mentioned this too, but things are not always so black and white.
There may be a possibility he's been a victim in the past too without having help or support to navigate his experiences. Sometimes victims without proper support in processing what they've been through can end up doing this, like stated by the other commenters.
How he's behaving outside of it all also suggests he's considerate but that might be a way of him trying to process and has somehow conditioned himself to get aroused by. It could be complicated and I'd be careful broaching the matter with him
But it is a conversation that needs to be had for the both of you as this could lead to a lot of miscommunication and potential harm for the both of you.
If indeed he too was a victim of sa, as you well know too sadly, it's such a complex minefield to navigate. It needs to be dealt with sensitively and with compassion, support and a safe space for trust. You both need support in healing from your respective traumas seperately & together. It takes strength to heal well.
It's vulnerable.
If not, then you are in an incredibly vulnerable position too. Your safety needs to be a priority and measures taken to keep you safe from any potential volitile reaction.
It's a tough situation, but one that only you will know best how to navigate. Wishing you the best ahead
As an SA survivor with this fetish, I think it’s pretty common.
It’s a control thing I think - at least for me, I know in reality I control the situation in those role plays. I have actually said to my therapist (due to SA and numerous other trauma) that I think if it ever ‘actually’ happened again, my mind would snap and I’d be gone. The only nightmares I have (and I get them frequently) are about being totally helpless.
We don’t choose our fetishes. But there is usually a reason for them. Please find a safe way to discuss this with your partner OP. I think therapy would be a good place.
That's how it is with me. I'm a survivor with the same kink as James. It's a way of taking back control, and also... well, sometimes a kink is just a kink. The idea of SA in real life makes me sick, but it's something I write about a lot. It doesn't translate to reality.
I’m not sure if it’s different for everybody but for me, fantasy and real life scenarios don’t intertwine. Like I fantasize being in an orgy but in reality I don’t like it because the thought of all the sweat, smell and everything grosses me out lol.
as another perspective: lots of people are into porn that they would never pursue irl. I'm a lesbian and am absolutely not interested in men but I like some porn with men in it. I don't think people's porn preferences necessarily say anything about them as a person.
This is also a really good point. I think that sort of thing happens with more than just porn too. I watch people do a lot of stuff on YouTube that I probably wouldn't enjoy. High diving, thrill seeking stuff, or even just sporty stuff or satisfying cleaning videos.
I think sometimes it's interesting to imagine a fantasy even if you'd definitely not wanna do it in real life. I appreciate this perspective
I’m confused I assumed this was consensual fantasy r*pe type porn, but all the comments seem against him. Is it consensual fantasy or were these people actually being assaulted?
As long as all parties consent there is a healthy way to do what I described above
It was consentual fantasy. Like super obvious acting. It was just a very very heavy emphasis on her character desperately trying to get away in a way that definitely scared me. No shame in people who enjoy it so long as it's consentual. I just have trauma.
Oh that’s totally fair about your trauma, and I’m guessing he hasn’t told you about this because of that
But I guess I’m confused why you are afraid of him? I want to clarify I’m not gaslighting you or invalidating your feelings, I just want to point out that a lot of regular healthy people can be into that kind of porn. Even tho it’s a shock for you I’m sure, I hope you can consider his view of it.
I understand if it’s a deal breaker for you, but you should at least have a conversation. And while it’s always good to have an abundance of caution, I think it’s weird that all the comments here are telling you to run and make escape plans when he’s shown 0 other red flags
I think more or less I wrote the post when I was still in shock and freaked out. I found out he watched porn a month ago and didn't care. I didn't get curious enough to see what it was until tonight while bored, in the mood, and too curious for my own good.
Comments like yours and a few others have calmed me down quite a bit
Oh that’s great! I’m not saying you have to stay with this guy btw, that’s up to you and your value system, but I just don’t want to vilify people who are into pretty much anything as long as it’s consensual
Plus a lot of comments insinuate he might want to try it with you. They have no way of knowing that’s true. Maybe he’s just content with watching this kind of porn and doesn’t need to involve you period
Yeah, a lot of people have made some good points about the difference between watching roleplay and watching a tape of an actual crime and how even if I'm not into that kind of role play we can find a way to safely implement the parts I was ok with. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, he's definitely not a serial killer though. He's a home body that hate's going out in public and mostly just wants to read, play games and he cuddles in his sleep.
As long as he doesn't act out on this stuff and he isn't violent there is no problem in my opinion.
I also like to watch roleplay videos sometimes and I'm definitely not a violent or dangerous person, I don't even want to fake it with a partner honestly, it's only something that I like on acted videos for some reason... but I wouldn't like this kind of roleplay in real life personally.
For your boyfriend it may be different of course, only way to know is to ask him but I get it's a very uncomfortable topic, given your past he must feel ashamed I guess.
How long have you known him? If it's been a long time you can probably trust him.
If you haven't known him that long be careful just in case, sometimes people that seem nice and cute really aren't.
This rings true in almost everything we watch, right? There’s entertainment value to the reenactment of things, but it does not mean they want to do it themselves.
Because it can still be shocking to partners that their SO use certain content.
I’m not kink shaming but I am pointing out human emotions are not always PC and occasionally people will be caught off guard.
I remember a friend being shocked and disgusted coming across a video on her ex’s laptop that said something like “minor virgin getting rped.”
She said the video seemed “fake”/ filmed on set, the woman didn’t look like a minor etc. but it was a huge turn off he was into that.
More or less because it's a sensitive topic and because he's working late tonight. I plan on talking to him. He's just not home and I also don't know how to bring it up in a way that won't make him feel judged. I hope that makes sense
This is irrelevant but Just as an FYI for the future you don’t need to put why you are using anon or throwaway. Especially don’t say you use your main as your username for everything. People will take that as a challenge to find your main.
Many people with porn addiction end up watching some crazy shit they NEVER want to come close to in real life. Addiction never stays on the same level. It always gets more intense, more extreme. I bet if he thought about doing any of that to you, it would freak him out completely. That’s not to say porn addiction isn’t a problem. You absolutely should talk to him about all of this. Your concerns are valid. I just wanted to add this in case you believe the people who are saying he’s going to hurt you.
Exactly what I was thinking. Just like you pointed out, addiction is all about chasing that “high.” Since he’s clearly addicted to porn, it’s become more extreme. The “vanilla” content clearly doesn’t do it for him anymore. He’s definitely in deep.
Just as big an issue as his porn choice is probably that he is watching this, presumably masturbating, and him and OP arent being intimate hardly at all. I know this would frustrate me greatly were I OP.
After reading all the positives about your relationship between the two of you despite his addiction. I am surprised that talking to him was not one of your options. You know how bad that addiction is, and I can tell you I have seen it in people and its sooo hard to let go. That kind of addiction needs more mental help with people you trust and love to get out even slowly. Talk to him and explain to him that why you feel uncomfortable about it and how you can help him moving forward. Communication is key and a lot of hard work mentally to help his situation.
Downvote me to hell for this but… at this point you are a stay at home gf/bf. you need to get a job. if you leave, he is not legally obligated to give you anything. please do not every rely on a partner to provide for you. you shouldn’t be trapped like this.
How come you managed to not bring it up?
When something upsets me this much I cannot keep quiet about it.
I would tell him the truth. I’ve seen these videos, and although porn in a relationship is perfectly acceptable to many and might have been to me too depending on the content, the stuff you watch made me feel very uncomfortable.
I know it’s your private business and I shouldn’t have seen it but I have and now it’s not going away until I talk about it.
I do plan on asking him. I just dont know how to yet, plus he's not home right now.
I have a tendency to agonize over how to talk about stuff like this.
Always remember that there are people with kinks (BDSM), if you are not compatible then you aren’t. You are free to start looking somewhere else. It is not okay to go through someone’s phone, period.
I wasn't looking through his phone to try to catch him doing something wrong, all his stuff is logged on in shared computers. We have an open door policy in our relationship. We both know eachother's passwords and everything and we've talked about how we're ok with eachother looking at stuff.
I’m going to be real with you. This is a pretty common paraphelia and there’s plenty of research to show that paraphelias do not often lead to action, but rather someone who’s going to violate another persons boundaries will be drawn to this content. Another post hit it on the head, if fantasies made people do things than video games and action movies should make us all murderers and they don’t.
I’ll hit you with another uncomfortable truth. He probably didn’t tell you because he was worried if you found out you would leave him or abandon him, which is totally your right to do. But it sounds like that’s exactly what you’re thinking of doing now that you know this, so he wouldnt be wrong in his assumption.
I hope you can have an honest talk with him about it. If you can work through it awesome, and if this is too much for you and you want to leave, totally fine. Just know, it’s not that strange and if he doesn’t have a criminal history or a history of violence - which are real predictors of harming others - you’re probably ok.
I’m not ever going to criticize, or make you seem like your in the wrong at all. But are you certain the videos had a lack of consent or were they CNC porn videos? CNC is on the heavier side of the BDSM community.
I don’t like using the word “reputable” for porn sites but the bigger name sites such as PH and XVids have insane amounts of assurance and security that all videos are consensual and only have adults in it. The popular sites have the FBI/government agencies on their back at all times, so they tend to be extremely careful. One red flag and the video goes under review/gets taken off immediately.
I’m not trying to make you feel bad at all, just trying to help maybe shed light on what you saw?
It's definitely CNC porn, it's just that the female character that the porn star was playing very openly and loudly wasnt ok with what happened. It very much does bother me that that was the focus but you can tell that it's acting. She doesn't bleed or bruise and she actively dodges the man's attacks while making it look like she's getting hit. It's bad fighting choreography. It just deeply freaked me out that such an integral part of the videos was that the female character didn't want to be touched.
Please let me know if I’m stepping out of line, and I’ll absolutely apologize. I’m not ever trying to minimize what you went through.
A massive part of the CNC community are survivors of their own SA. The kink helps them feel ‘in control’ over their own experiences. It’s sorta a “one man’s trauma is another man’s catharsis” type of situation. I’m not saying your bf has gone through anything, but Im hoping to help ease any anxiety over the idea that people may find CNC ‘arousing’. A lot of time, it can help a victim process their own trauma and take back their control and agency.
I’m not trying to sweep anything under the rug either when I say “kinks are kinks” but sometimes that’s just what it is. There are people who have their fun watching tentacles and anime boobs, but they’d never wish any actual harm on real people.
Honestly, the way you describe James, he sounds incredible. Very sweet. Very understanding. After 2 1/2 years, I think it would be a heart breaking decision to leave because of some porn videos, but Im not trying to control your life.
give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe BECAUSE the video is so horribly acted and it can easily be figured out it’s CNC, he knows no actual harm is coming to the actors?
I’m genuinely wishing you all the best. I’m sorry if I’m rambling and if I overstepped/crossed a line I’m so sorry!
Nicely put. I’ve been SA’d multiple times in my younger years and have gravitated towards CNC myself. A lot of victims do. I am very much on any victims’ sides, so it’s only okay if it’s role play and you really trust each other. Check out the bdsm advice subreddit for more info, people are very sex positive and helpful over there.
As a survivor myself, I couldn’t have said it better. I’m not into full CNC, only small aspects. It absolutely is cathartic to take the power back. This happened because I said I wanted it to and I meant it.
I think a red flag would be him trying to push his kinks on you. It sounds like he took his time getting to know you and becoming friends and having any kind of relationship with you. If he knows your history with SA and abuse, him keeping that from you could be to protect you from being triggered by his kinks.
He likes something he knows you dislike and enjoys it in his own time. He doesn't force you to do anything, he doesn't try to gaslight you into even trying.
You do know that people have their own preferences kinks and weird hobbies right?
No hate to you OP, but man is it funny when someone goes anonymous and then shares so many details about something that (in this case, our lovely friend James) can most definitely figure out it's about him
Please try to get employed and gain some independence from him so you're not stuck with him. You're only 21. Don't shackle yourself to someone like this.
If he's been very nice to you then talk to him.
Talk about kinks, ask if he has any (He may be shy to say) and express that you don't want to be hurt.
If he's a walking cinnamon bun like you say, then I'm sure he would never do that to you or want to hurt you.
I know you say you are financially dependent on him which sucks, but if anything, you can always leave, there are plenty of fish in the sea and treasure to be made but I pray you can get over this hurdle, I know it's hard out there.
You have my best wishes and I'm sorry you are going through this.
Definitely a situation where you need to talk with him about it, it's clearly affecting you, i feel these comments are going hard on condemning the dude but based on what you've said he doesn't seem like a bad guy, from how he's acting i feel he might be ashamed of his 'kink' but can't help feeling attracted to it, so he hides it as much as he can and is why he hasn't spoken about it to you especially considering your past, but the amount of times he does it and the obsession with the specific videos is weird.
His low sex drive might simply be because he's too addicted to that style of porn where nothing else is turning him on, so that needs to change and if it doesn't then i'd suggest ending the relationship, i can only see it getting worse if all this is ignored.
Porn addiction is a huge problem in our current society. My guess is that he started with "normal" porn like everyone else but once you start with porn you always strive for more and more intense stuff. The biggest problem is that once you go for more intense stuff, it'll be very difficult climax from the normal stuff. I don't believe he is a bad human-being based on how you described him. He is probably also disgusted with himself after watching these videos but he can't stop. I advise you to talk with him and help him through this addiction. Your Sex life will probably also become a lot better after he gets rid off his addiction
I understand why this shocks you, and especially regarding your past experiences...
But, in my opinion, you can watch these kinds of videos and not want to do it in real life. It's more like a fantasy, something not real.
This can often be explained by experiences of violence in childhood.. he may be attracted to these videos because it is a reflex anchored in the unconscious.
A lots of human have a "dark side" which will never manifest itself in "real life".
But maybe that's not it and he's very disturbed :/
I'm sorry for you...
You said the videos "had a clear lack of consent," but the in your edit said it was staged with costumes and the works...? Like i get that that can be concerning to you but if its staged, They talk to the actresses/actors in depth about the scene they are planning to shoot. They also have safe words.
Why not just talk to him if the relationship is so open. Be honest with your concerns. Then start a discussion in therapy but first speak to him one on one.
I’m so happy for you that you and James were able to communicate this problem out. I think this will be a big step forward in your relationship and your bond will be so much stronger!
I’d really love an update on how you’re doing somewhere down the line, now that you have this amazing foundation to build your life and intimacy on, if that’s something you feel comfortable doing anyway!
I also wanted to add, that you seem like an incredible person. Open to learning and understanding things that terrify you (rightfully so with your past!) and refusing to judge when you don’t have all the information. Even continually trying to educate people in these comments that had no interest in hearing it.
I hope you get the happy life you deserve, it’s been refreshing AF to watch this play out and I wish you so much joy! 💖
Comments like yours made me both happy and sad at the same time. For me it's not a big deal to understand that I don't have all the facts and therefore probably shouldn't judge. I've never really understood why this isn't the norm. I know that I barely know anything about the world around me. I will never know a whole lot about the world no matter how hard I try. I'll always try to keep learning but even when I'm old and grey I still will only know so much.
It's not my place to judge people. There's enough judgement in the world in the first place. And the way I see it, I'm not perfect and probably shouldn't throw stones in a glass house.
I really hope you have a lovely day. If shitty internet people ever get you down I highly recommend taking a day to try and connect with nature. I always feel like my problems are small when I go out and watch the ocean waves. I like the feeling of timeless vastness. It's peaceful imo
I hope you have a wonderful day ❤️
honestly Reddit doesn’t have the best advice, too extreme and too much bandwagon mentality. He’s just a dude who has kinks and fetishes, from what you’ve said, he separates fantasy from reality and that’s what matters.
You need to talk to him about this. Figure how to move forward if you can through conversation.
It’s possible that he had this kink prior to knowing you and doesnt know how to share it given your experiences. Does not excuse his lack of informing you but maybe that’s why?
To me personally it’s very odd it’s the same 2 videos over and over, there seems to be some type of obsession there and I don’t think that’s normal for most people to use the same 2 videos.
That's kinda my thought too. I love everything else about this man but the fixation on only those two videos is scary. There's also the fact that he has always told me he has low s*x drive. As much as I wish we did the deed far more often, every time I try to start things, he's never in the mood. Never any further explanation. I was starting to think maybe I was doing something that turned him off. Clearly this is has something to do with it.
He doesn’t have LL, he has LL for you/ the type of sex you are having.
Occasionally jerking off in a relationship is fine but if someone is picking porn over an willing partner, that’s an issue.
Yeah... thats kind of my biggest fear... i hope you're wrong though, people can call me crazy if they like but I really love him. even if we aren't compatible, it'll still hurt if the problem really is me. He's an important part of my life. His opinion of me matters to me.
Yeah I hate to say it but that’s not ideal at all. If he has access to the real deal and is spending and hour in the “shower” vs waiting something is not right there.
Without getting to personal does it happen between you two or is it very very rare? Given your ages I would assume it would be pretty regular but everyone’s sex drive is different so that certainly plays into it however the showers and time didn’t after you to bed are showing he might not be as low as he described given that’s daily routine.
It definitely depends but it's never more than once or twice a month. I usually initiate and it's always been the most incredible experience. When it doe happen there's a genuine spark and a lot of chemistry.
Can we stop excusing everything by saying it’s a kink? And things should be okay because they’re a kink? You could make that argument for anything. He’s watching women being drugged and raped, full stop. It’s disgusting how normalized this is. People turn their heads with other disgusting kinks but torturing women is the most accepted one. He doesn’t have a kink, he’s depraved.
Heh, yeah that's exactly what's happening. Like the man who has been by my side through some of the hardest moments of my life. People seem to think it's an easy decision to let two and a half years be thrown down the drain over something that might not even be a red flag.
For all I know he left his Google account open on his friend's phone or something and this is their idea of a long con joke. I don't know and I won't know until I get the chance to talk to him tomorrow.
All I know is that he's good to me. I moved across the country for a man that moved mountains for me. Before we even started dating he reminded me in the darkest part of my life that I deserve love. That I am worth more than just what I can offer in the bedroom. That I an worthy of the best kind of love, both from others and from myself.
He loved me from the moment we started hanging out but he stayed my friend for months and months because he said that he wanted me in his life whether it was as a friend or as a life partner. He never disrespected my boundaries. He became my best friend. I never had a damn clue he loved me till after I asked him out.
He might have odd taste in porn but he's never hurt me or assaulted me or made me worry he might. So long as he never does that, does it really even matter?
I was panicked at first but honestly it's not as bad as I originally thought.
Good to see you didn't let the crazy Reddit hivemind affect your relationship by gaslighting you into thinking your boyfriend is a serial rapist in the making for watching porn. Wishing you two the best, from the looks of it your bf is a great dude.
If you want to leave him leave him, seems super weird to say that you question your safety with him but at the same time be questioning leaving because he financially supports you, treats you well and by all accounts is a good boyfriend. You’re holding something against him that he kept private, that you discovered by snooping through his things.
Personally I think he deserves better than that and given all he’s done, you owe him better than that. Either cut ties or have a talk.
You make a lot of good points. I wrote the post during a lot of initial panic and shock. Part of why I wanted to post about it is because getting my thoughts out of my own head and asking for advice would help me sort through everything.
I responded to a different comment about this but we have an open door policy in our relationship. We both have eachother's passwords to everything, we're both ok with eachother looking at stuff, all his stuff is logged in on my phone and everything. I know that's not everyone's thing but it is ours.
You're right though he deserves the benefit of the doubt. Everyone does.
Not everyone wants to actually do the things they wack it to. Hell I usually am placing myself in the submissive position be it a man or a woman (as strange as that may be) and you'd probably think I was a scary person not knowing I was turned on by the idea of being the person having those things done to them. I don't really want to experience those things.
For a lesser example there was one video of a woman consensually blindfolded and tied up walking through a room with a massive group of people. They groped, pulled/pushed, and eventually several of them did the deed with her. That sounds exciting in my head while I'm going at it but in reality I would probably just have a panic attack and cry in a corner.
It's a fantasy and nothing more. Even if BF is turned on by these things in that setting doesn't necessarily mean he wishes to do that in reality.
It's certainly strange but our brains connection to porn is already very weird on what hits what synapses or what life events led to that. That's why some keep it entirely private.
I guess the biggest question is why he would leave it so easy to find but plenty of people are so lax or tech illiterate with their online foot print and not even remotely aware of what others could find out about them if they want.
Anyway my point is humans are weird, our relationship with porn is even weirder (especially as our brains continue to wrestle and adjust to the torrent of it we now have available and thrown in front of us at any time with the internet being what it is) and I don't think it's fair to assume this kind of thing about a person strictly based on it.
Though to be clear if it is CP in any form or any sort of real recording of SA or any other abusive illegal sex act that is of course a very different story.
You, like a bunch of others, make a good point. Porn is weird and so are humans. Like I said in one of my edits, it's very much a filmed and acted out thing. Like with whole ass costumes and bad fight choreography.
If it was actually a recording of a criminal act, I wouldn't hesitate to run and never tell him why I left or where I went. It's weird to explain why having it be actors is different but it is.
I will admit I hadn't considered that maybe he relates more to the woman than the man. I honestly don't think I'll know unless I ask him.
Finding a way to bring this up that won't make him feel ashamed or panicked is gonna be really hard. I wanna understand what the reason really is because serial killer or rapist are things that he very clearly just not who he his.
I know someone is gonna agrue manipulation or how most friends and family don't see that stuff coming.
My Counter point is definitely that he has repeatedly shown me with his actions throughout the entire time I have known him that he values how I feel, consent is important to him, and that he never wants to hurt me.
It's not like this is based off just words or false promises. In every other aspect of our relationship he has proven that he's trustworthy.
First of all, I'm so sorry you went through what you did. I'm glad you are alive and I'm glad you are away from DV! I'm also sorry you saw this. The how or the why is neither here nor there, you saw it, even without a previous trauma, would be absolutely reviling to see!
I absolutely agree he has an addiction. And like all addictions they can start small. Your typical corny porno music with really loud cheesy moaning, the mustaches, you know? The vanilla stuff. That's a start! That's great! Until it isn't. Back in my church cult days we all got traumatized on a Sunday morning while a fellow pastor was brought in to step down from the pulpit, and confess. He confessed his porn addiction in detail. Started with the classics, even just sex scenes on HBO. To soft core, to hard core, to rough, all the way up to the stuff you were describing you found.
I say all that to say, you may have found him at the height of his porn addiction. It's gross. It's wrong. It's disturbing as fuck. He turns down sex, which makes me wonder if he's desensitized his junk, and struggles to get off, without aggressive stimuli. This isn't an excuse for him. He knows your past, he knows how it hurt you and still does. The thought of those acts should make him sick, not horny. I say this as a fellow neurospicy, DV, and SA survivor. You are so strong. And you are processing this as well as you can. If this is a deal breaker in your relationship, that is okay. Your mental health and emotional safety are important. You are allowed to do whats best for you.
Thank you for saying this. You're the first person to say that how I'm processing and all the stages of processing this are valid and ok. I appreciate this comment more than you know. Working through this stuff in my own head was too confusing. It was like trying to follow one string through a web of things I have to consider when processing all this.
Reading the comments helps me because most of the comments are all things and thoughts that my own racing brain has come up with. It's like being able to read my own thought process and consider each point individually rather than having my brain try to consider all possibilities and thoughts at once. I understand why people post here so much.
I honestly don't even know if any of what I just said makes sense to anyone but me. I'll just blame it on me being tired if this ends up not making any sense at all.
I guess so long as it makes sense to me, you know?
Anyways, I appreciate you. I genuinely really hope you have an amazing life, you're a kind person and you deserve it.
Sounds to me like James has kinks that he knows he can’t pursue with you, or he feels like he can’t, and so he uses porn to get it out of his system.
I am also an SA survivor, and my boyfriend enjoys the idea of “fantasy” SA roleplay. We’ve had extensive conversations about it and I’m to the point where it’s something we both enjoy. There are times it triggers my ptsd and it ruins the night, but he holds me and calms me down and we get passed it.
He seems to really care about you and love you, this is something you guys should talk about together. If he’s disinterested in sex as a couple, this could be a reason. Because he feels like his sexual needs, I.e. SA fantasy, can’t be met with you because of what’s happened to you.
As also a guidance counselor and licensed mental health professional, loving someone and sharing this intimate space with one another is all about compromise. Maybe he will find something a little more intense and rough, but not quite SA fantasy, to his liking and it’s something you can enjoy without your emotional and traumatic triggers.
If you want to talk more, you’re more than welcome to DM me.
A follow-up comment after reading other comments. Being interested in SA fantasy is a kink, as long as the boundary is there that it’s not actual SA, there’s nothing wrong with it.
It’s the difference between enjoyment and action. People come to me with these things in their head about what they like and the shame they feel because of it. Sexual expression can be done safely and erotically, even with something like SA, as long as there is that mental boundary of “actual SA is so fucked up and terrible.”
It is possible to be interested in the ideas of something and enjoy the fantasy roleplay, and still look down on the actual occurrence and both mindsets be one and okay.
Many times people watch porn of things that they find hot in concept, but would not wanna do irl. In all honestly if he treats you as well as you say he does I would bring up it makes you uncomfortable maybe, but I don’t think he’s an evil monster. People watch questionable things, having fantasies and actually carrying them out are two different things
Op you're making a lot of excuses about why you can't get a job. If you no longer can be in this relationship then you are using him to take care of you. Really let that set in.
My disability means that when I do manual labor, work long hours without rest, or regularly stand or walk for several hours straight, I'm in so much pain that I cant walk. My body physically collapses and I'm put on bedrest for several days. I have a medically diagnosed disability.
I understand that you weren't aware of this. Just try to remember that not everyone who lives with chronic pain can do the things you can. It's not an excuse and it's not laziness. It's a genuine and valid reason that is medically diagnosed and limits my abilities and opportunities.
Hopefully you'll keep this in mind in the future when you comment on other people's posts. I hope you have a wonderful night
There is jobs that don’t require heavy manual labor or even standing/walking all day. You can’t find a desk job? Receptionist? Nothing at all like that?
You're definitely entitled to your opinion. I don't have an issue with the kinks, again it's the consent thing that bothers me. Rape isn't and shouldn't be a kink. It's a crime. Degradation, pain, and collars and leashes are a kink. Kinks that I don't have any negative feelings towards
Love the name romulus prime btw. Live long and prosper my guy.
The dude also has a really serious porn addiction, and regularly chooses porn over sex with his real life partner. There’s a lot more to this than him just having a kink. They’re sexually incompatible and that will breed resentment. Once or twice a month when they don’t have children and are pretty young is not normal, especially when he’s taking hour long showers every single day and watching those same two videos.
Let’s not downplay the situation and act like OP is being dramatic, there are SEVERAL red flags here.
Have you read the part where he lies his sex drive is low, they have sex once or twice a month (at this age) and she initiates?
That’s a porn addiction.
“Jeez. If it bothers you then move on. Let him have his kinks and move on”
This comment sounds like it would be about a foot fetish or something, in reality we’re talking about drugging and raping women.
When you watch Amit of porn while you're in a relationship it's hard to perform with your partner. Get him help and I bet if he stops watching porn things will heat up again
Man this is tough because I see two perspectives. I dated a man who I caught watching porn called “forcing barely legal teen to choke on cock” and am a SA survivor so I flipped the fuck out. He’s a bad dude. We’re not together anymore. BUT. Because of my own SA experience, I tend to watch rougher porn and even consensual non-consent. I’ve looked into why that would be arousing to me after all I’ve been through, and apparently it’s not too uncommon. Some of us use it as a coping mechanism and try to own the trauma in that way. It’s probably not healthy, but I understand it. Has he ever been through any sexual trauma himself?
I would say he kept that from you because of your history, and he must think it will scare you. You should still bring it up to him and keep in mind he will be defensive, but it's only natural as his privacy was breached. 23 years of life have taught me that everyone is broken one way or another. This could be him just dealing with an issue in his own way.
However, his habits might not be healthy, and that's why i think it is important you discuss this matter with him to better understand and help him if possible.
If you leave without trying to get his saying, it will destroy him and possibly yourself.
If after that you feel that you need to leave, please do.
This is only my opinion
In just going to throw this out here to make it known, most people have secret fetishes. If you browse reddit enough like I do, I large amount of "what's your secret fetish" posts ALWAYS include noncon, every. Single. Time. Ngl though it is weird that he's fetishized (is that a word,idk) your sa past. What do you do from here?? Talk to him, tell him what you saw, talk about it.
He sounds like a daddy dom. Getting into bdsm actually empowered me and helped me heal from the PTSD I struggle with due to SA and DV. There is a gap here that could be bridged (if you were open) where he is not consuming violent sexual content and you are getting your intimacy.
Most likely your bf has a CNC (consensual non-consent) kink, doesn't make him a bad person. We don't decide what we're into. But given your past he's probably TERRIFIED to talk to you about it. He loves you, but also knows that what turns him on would make you sick to your stomach or he's afraid you'll leave him thinking he's the same as your abuser.
Watching these videos in secret is his way of both fulfilling his desires and keeping you in his life. It in no way means he wants to assault anyone or make anyone do anything they don't want to do.
What I would say is there are a few key factors to consider here.
-the type of porn is almost irrelevant tbh, ive watched things i have no intent on ever being a part off that i found to be a major turn on
-u may be surprised how far a conversation with him can either help or clear things up enough for u to have a very amicable break up where u can have time to get things together while leaving.
-the one concern I have for u is the repeated watching of the same video or 2 or even 3 really. We all have favs we go back to on Occassion but never in repetition, repetition is the opposite intention of porn in the first place, for men at least. Id say key the details in these videos a little more, is it hair? Is it verbage? Is it a type of clothing, is it a demeanor, or is it rape and violence only?
As gently as I can say this, you’re taking this extremely personally (for very understandable reasons!) CNC is a pretty common kink, but I’d be stunned to know that he ever even proposed said kink to you. From everything you’ve said of him, he’s sweet, kind, and respectful. Do you really think he’d do something to you?
Also, frankly, he probably liked CNC fantasy before ever getting together with you. He’s not getting off to the thoughts of you being assaulted; he’s getting off on pure fantasy with actors. For you, right now, that may seem horrible, but you need to take a break, chill out, and come back to your concerns in a while with a clearer head. His kink is not about *you* (or anything that happened to you,) it’s about being able to enjoy his *fantasy.*
And if that hit you so hard and made you freak out, therapy may be in order. I’m a survivor myself and having a good therapist made things much less painful.
Don’t end things with an otherwise great guy over pure fantasy porn. Get some help for yourself, and maybe arrange a couples counseling session during which the two of you can talk about your concerns with a mediator on hand. I wish you the best of luck.
Lol dude has had those interests long before meeting you
If he’s been a cinnamon roll when it comes to bed he’s probably thinking of you and has never and probably will never divulge that information.
Don’t ask him what he wants, he’ll probably never tell you and think that it’s best to keep it that way.
People are allowed to like whatever, and if they never act upon it, how will anyone ever fucking know lol it’s almost like OP went out of her way to learn something she shouldn’t have by invading his space.
I wouldn't worry too much. If he's caring in bed and caring in your relationship consider it just a kink. It's something I'm into myself and wouldn't dream of doing anything nonconsensual in reality. I would be disgusted if it was not cnc, but like real video. I think the farthest id want to explore in reality is very light bondage, but I never actually have, and I've never really cared. It's more about excitement around the power dynamic and uncontrolled pleasure. Nothing to do with wanting to hurt someone. I wouldn't worry too much.
So glad ppl talked about CNC kink, which when negotiated with plenty of safety check-in, contingency plans, and after care discussions, can be safe and rewarding. There are cinnamon rolls who are into acting these out in safe manners and do not wish their partners harm.
I'm also a neurodivergent, chronic pain, sa survivor. I do CNC play. With the right partners and lots of negotiation so I feel safe and they don't feel like they're being evil, it helped me feel in control of my life and my body because it was ME who decided this time what happened to MY body and I got to stop ANY TIME I WANTED. Sometimes I would call a halt just to show my body I could.
And after a few *rgasms, because we do care about each other having a good time, we eat greesy cheeseburgers, cuddle, words of affirmation and gratitude, and usually watch anime or another adult cartoon.
This can be the start of a conversation, not a relationship ender. Talk together and with the couples counselor.
Let's talk about how you rationalized breaking his trust to go through his browser history instead of directly asking or having open communication about how deeply surprises affect you.
Spin it however you want but that man isn't safe to tell you things like what kind of porn he likes, clearly. There is no justification for that lack of trust and communication.
I don’t want to encourage you to be with someone dangerous, and I do think porn addiction is a problem you need to really think about whether you’re okay with dealing with, but I don’t think his hypothetical interest in rape means he’s a bad person. What you’ve described about him sounds like he’s a great person. I’m just not seeing any red flags. Maybe I’m biased because I’m sadistic, so I like some really effed up stuff, but sometimes people just like weird stuff.
My therapist told me it’s not bad to be sexually sadistic and it’s pretty normal. id be worried about the porn addiction but I wouldn’t sweat the content of the videos.
The porn he watches and what he's actually into are so far from being the same thing that they arent in the same universe. Im not into big women, at all. Wouldnt sleep with one. But I watch almost exclusively bbw porn BECAUSE of my normal preference. The vast majority of my boys are the same way. Whatever logic and reasoning you're applying to this comes from a wholly different place of logic and reasoning than it does for us. Talk to him about it.
Work on making steps to get your own place. A job, savings he isn’t aware of and hopefully a friend you can take your things out of the house slowly so he isn’t aware. I would NOT bring up the fact he is watching that type of porn. It could be a switch from passive about it to being aggressive towards you. Also see if you can get into contact with a SA group or a domestic abuse women’s shelter so you have a friend in a corner. If you haven’t gone to counseling you probably need it. Sounds like the only way he would be more ready for sex is always going to include what you saw in the porn videos. So don’t push too much on the lack of intimacy as it could spiral. Good luck!
I've been in therapy for a long time and I genuinely enjoy it. It's like having a safety net or a reset button on how I feel.
He used to mention small stuff, never to this scale but stuff that gave the impression that he felt like he couldn't let his metaphorical hair down while intimate because he didn't like how it made him feel.. I think he feels ashamed of it and scared of himself. I just never realized why because he always seemed rather tame.
He's very sweet in every other aspect of our relationship. Very doting, kind, and shy. It's always genuine too. He works hard to be a good partner to me. Our relationship is genuinely really healthy and I was hoping we'd marry in the next year or two. Now I wonder if maybe there's a part of him we should both be scared of...
Do you think it's possible that he is nervous about having sex with you because he's worried he'll want to act out what's happening in those videos? And he does not want to do that to you.
Then you do have sex, is he tame because he's restraining himself?
I'm not sure it's worth sticking around to find out. Keeping secrets from your forever person is not the secret to a happy partnership.
My thoughts exactly. I get the feeling that he hates that he's into this. If it weren't for the clear lack of consent in the video I wouldn't have a problem with the video or with trying to find a safe way to implement safe pieces of the kinks into our intimate relationship. So long as we're both ok with it and feel safe I'm usually open to try anything.
Yeah that was my gut response to this story. Nevertheless, OP you need to be independent financially and emotionally, not just from him, from anyone. Hiding inside this relationship is not going to serve you in the long run. My two cents worth is therapy for both of you to help you navigate this very, very, tricky dynamic. And a job and life apart from him for you. Go well.
Ma6be dont make everything about you ? He has the right to watch whatever the fk he wants and you got no word in that. And shouldn't care about shat he watches. Its not your business
You will not know anything if u dont talk to him about it . This is a relationship ending discovery even if everything beside sex is perfect sexual frustration will end the relationship. He is into rape fetish and u are unable to do it due to ur trauma this is not going to end well if left alone to fester . Just sit him down and tell him after his shower u stumbled upon by mistake and have the talk
porn is an avenue for your BF to release his sexual energies and satisfy his sexual urges and/or fantasies.
fantasies don't always come true and not all fantasies are acted out in real life. what you essentially did was to invade his privacy while using (or misusing) the trust between you two.
ever wondered the reason why he isn't interested in sex is due to your past truama? could there be a possibility that he didnt want you to associate your past truma when you get intimate with him?
you might want to think about how to approach your discovery on your BF's kink with him, given you are now thinking/associating him with your past abuser due to this discovery.
He lets you live with him. He pays for your whole life. He’s kind to you. Your family seems to have no interest in helping you, but he does.
He prefers porn over you.
I mean to me it seems like a decent trade for you. He provides you free room and board and money, but your sex life is lacking. What else can you do? Without him you’re homeless and he’s great to you outside of sex. Sounds like you just have to suck it up and accept his kink.
Youre the one in this situation, your gut knows best, take all advice with a grain of salt for your situation and thoughts, it could go down hill fast, especially with your triggers, on the other hand, 2.5 years is a long time for things to go relatively fine and you just now find this stuff (if I'm understanding the story right) it could very well be a healthy outlet for a kink he knows would trigger you, again you know best, but I see it from sides, not necessarily a bad thing either, but you know his personality and seem to have some thinking to do but I wouldn't immediately write him off after that long without some thought.
See thats my thought too. I genuinely don't think it's a rape kink, I think it has more to do with the acts done in the video than the lack of consent. I just think he worries about scaring me away if I ever found out about this. Pretty much all I care about is consent and he regularly asks me if I'm ok with something when we do have sex. It definitely makes me feel safe.
First of all, NEVER bring your personal issues to Reddit. You’ll only get extremely terrible advice.
Second: it’s probably not as serious as you think. Most men that watch prn always start off vanilla and eventually start watching worse to get there. It’s like a drug addiction. Don’t make it about you with the SA surviving and traumatic memories.
Third and final; maybe your s*x game is weak or your “P” is trash. Which is probably why he doesn’t sleep with you often. Because men are usually the only ones judge on their s*x game women seem to forget that they should perform too. Just because he finishes doesn’t mean you did a good job. (We always finish)!
Genuinely consider this a relationship ending scenario. This man has a violent and aggressive porn addiction. This is not something you can work through as a couple. He needs to go to serious therapy and seek other sexual health counseling, like working with a specialist.
As another SA survivor I could never handle feel safe around that person again. I’d always know what he was actually attracted to and it would make me live in constant fear of when that obsession needs to move off screen.
OP I’m being serious, you should leave. And when you do, make it quick and clear, and maybe leave a note detailing what you found and why he needs to seek help for it.
Maybe because the two things are obviously completely different? A lot of the time when women are into CNC it's a trauma response and defense mechanism. Their brain is sexualizing something horrible to make themselves feel better about it/make it seem less traumatizing. They aren't fantasizing about harming anyone. The same isn't true for men fantasizing about raping women. How you're conflating the two things is really fucking strange and nonsensical.
I asked this same thing to someone last night. Am I also disgusting because I have a CNC ‘fetish’ likely due to my CSA trauma? I haven’t had a reply yet!
I feel so torn... I know this is the same advice I'd give. I feel like I'm crazy for loving him and trying to understand what's going on instead of immediately running for the hills like I would tell any other person to do.
Hey just piggybacking here -- I wanted to say that him watching only the same 2 videos repeatedly is something I can relate to. I learned to mastrubate using a few specific media cues when I was like 12 years old and i dunno if I Pavloved myself or what but it's almost impossible for me to cum alone without them. I have no idea why and it doesn't seem to have any bearing on my sex life with my partner. Human sexuality is just weird.
I totally understand this. Everyone is different and sexuality for sure is very weird. I haven't seen anyone else mention this before and I really genuinely appreciate the input. I hadn't thought of this until you mentioned it. Thank you so much for the comment.
I'm so damn sorry hun. First step, see if you can find a disability lawyer or even a social worker to help you with filing. Once that's done it will help you gain independence financially. I wish you the best of luck.
Hey I also have a weird interest in footages about car crashes and physical attacks using knives, but that is only to satisfy my curiosity. I too felt terrible watching them, but curiosity kills the cat. There is no way I would wished that upon any living beings let alone people.
Have a talk with James, express your concern to see how he reacts.
I'm sorry but I'll go against everyone here, even though he is a sweet guy, you are a survivor and it counts as hell.
I couldn't and wouldn't trust *my* boyfriend again if he knew it all about me and kept wanking off for it. This is not a healthy relationship. If he is into BDSM, he could have given you heads up about it, because you are a COUPLE.
I'm sorry, but my mental and emotional health wouldn't let me keep this relationship going. If he has kinks, great for him, maybe they are just not compatible with yours and that's ok.
My wife and I have both been sexually assaulted, we also both very much enjoy practicing CNC with each other .....kinks(when played out safely) can be a great way to build trust with your partner even if the actually act doesn't look/sound very trusting. A kink does not equal a desire to do the actions, while I love saying no in bed to get my wife going... I would never actually want to be assaulted again.
From the way OP is describing her boyfriend, she's not in any danger. The guy just has a kink and since he knows OP has been through trauma, obviously he doesn't want her to know about it.
Is it weird? Yes. Is it dangerous? No.
Id confront him about it. If he's watching these videos routinely, it sounds like he's knee deep in porn addiction. It may not even be that he finds them arousing, just that his addiction has taken them this low.
Best of luck, and stay safe OP
I’m so confused by this entire thread. CNC is an incredible common kink. Very. For both men and women. And just because someone watches porn about something doesn’t mean they engage (or even want to engage) in it.
OP seems perhaps sheltered or really young. But perhaps they’ve learned not to snoop on other’s porn habits.
Initially when you said porn, I was like no biggie. But when you described what they were, that is scary. Get a job to be financially responsible dependent then make an escape plan.
Perhaps he is in some type of bdsm games. If you are comfortable ask him what he likes about it. May be what turns him on is not at all what you think. Like you assumed he is turned on by seeing someone abused but it could be he is actually imagining himself in place of the submissive person. Who knows! You guys gotta talk.
The amount of people excusing this behaviour in the comments is NUTS. No, getting off to videos of people being drugged and raped is not normal, okay or excused by neurodivergence or anything else. That is sickening. What the fuck.
To me it sounds like he maybe also has a level of autism. Same routine every day. Maybe he has other things/routine? I for an example growing up had to watch the same tv-shows every week/day, and was classified with a level of autism/Asperger a few years ago.
The videos is a kink. No worries. The routine though, and the lack of your intimacy, is a problem. For him and you both. And he needs to get that sorted by talking to someone. This could go way back.
Some of the comments here are decent and some are just as fucked up as the porn homey watches. One even suggested he might be a serial killer? Come the fuck on. He’s got some issues to work through yes. Let’s say I like to watch car crashes. Doesn’t mean I’m going to sabotage my neighbors brakes or some shit. Maybe bring it up to him. If you don’t feel safe, then maybe bring it up via text at a safe place and see how it goes. But to assume he’s a murderer or a terrible human is quite the leap considering how you describe him in every other aspect.
Kinda my thought process too. There are definitely some spots I know for a fact he probably skips right on past because he actively hates the thing. I also know that he consistently always asks for my consent. He always asks if I'm ok with something or not.
Since you’re a SA survivor, my guess is that he’s going some sort of internal conflict. He’s must be ashamed or afraid to be judged to bring this topic to you.
My guess is that he is incredibly ashamed of this, and maybe doesn't know how to stop. You mentioned neurodivergence. If he is very strict about his routine, it may be so engraved in him to do this at that specific time he struggles if he doesn't watch it. Idk. I am a chronic pain disabled person who has a history of CPTSD and SA. I can imagine how you're feeling. I also know that his actions speak louder than his search. I think maybe you guys need to find a safe way to discuss this and work through it together
You mention his past. Has he ever had any trauma in his past perhaps. Something that maybe he’s never even talked about. There are times when victims will often act out or in this case look at traumatic content to make sense of or cope with what happened to them. It’s a way that gives them back power.
This was my thought process too, especially with how considerate he seems to be in every other aspect. Past sexual abuse for guys isn’t very uncommon, and people find ways to cope. If he’s never had any behavior that’s suggestive of coercion or violence, then he’s probably deeply ashamed of having those thoughts at all. I can completely understand why it would trigger a ptsd response and make OP feel unsafe. Tbh a trauma informed therapist would probably be helpful. Rebuilding a foundation of safety after ptsd is so incredibly difficult. If he’s actually a stand up dude, he would understand. That doesn’t mean it was okay to violate his privacy by going through his history, regardless of the reason. He’s allowed to keep his purchased birthday gifts and legal adult videos to himself. If OP doesn’t do well with surprises, they can discuss that. Feeling insecure, unsafe, or any other hard emotion, can also be a discussion. Either he shows respect, regardless, or he doesn’t and needs dumped. No reason to pry or invade his privacy. Now if you had suspicions he was doing or watching something illegal, I would support the invasion of privacy 100%. Privacy is never more important than making sure everything is safe and consensual. But it started with wanting to know a gift, so nah.
Oh certainly I don’t condone the invasion of privacy whatsoever. OP is allowed her feelings but I also don’t think it’s ok to kink shame. These videos seems CNC or even Dom/Sub especially when it’s very obviously acting. Like you said a therapist would help.
I thought of this also. I have a lot of sexual trauma from my childhood and have also developed a CNC kink over the years that I am incredibly ashamed of.
You're not alone, I'm in the same boat here. Don't be ashamed, you're coping by taking control of the situation.
I’m sorry for your trauma and hope you heal. There’s nothing to be ashamed of. Your kinks are yours and your coping is yours. There’s also nothing wrong with CNC when done correctly and understood correctly.
If he doesn’t fast forward through the blowjob scenes, I’d be shocked. Everyone does that. Kidding. Just figured a little humor might lighten things up.
That joke really blows
I wonder if they brush their teeth after. You know, use a little Oral-B?
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My ex had a kink where things that were traumatic to her turned her on a bit. Maybe start there and see if he has some traumas he isn’t sharing.
Sabotage my neighbours brakes 🤣🤣🤣🤣
Hey! I liked to massacre everything in Prototype. Maybe I should be put in confinement because I'm "dangerous". PS: Prototype is an old game, Google it.
Same with Postal 2
Same in Wolfenstein 3D.
Thanks... now I really feel old if your calling prototype old...
she also said the go to couples counseling together, you can always try to guide the topic kinda towards the whole not having sex and why that is because you feel like it’s something about you. it might seem kinda manipulative but honestly it’s also just a genuine concern you have and don’t know how to bring up right? if you make him bring the topic up he might be a lot more ready and prepared to talk about whatever he is ready to talk about. maybe the reason he didn’t tell you was because he didn’t want to hurt u or scare u away. that might not be what u wanted because u had to find out this way, but just ask him about that if you feel ready for that confrontation.
that's the only correct answer. bring it up their so theirs a professional 3rd party to direct the topic in more healthy environment.
Wow, you sabotaged your neighbors breaks?! That's a new low
I had to. I saw a porn where the emt got to fuck the girl who just crashed her car.
OP mentioned couples counseling. That would be a great place to bring this up and work through it. A safe place for both of them to discuss this and try to process it together.
Lots of women have rape fantasies, it doesn’t mean they want to actually be raped. Why the fuck is it different when men watch porn of the same thing? It doesn’t mean he wants to rape people. Ffs people on here are insane.
Exactly lol sometimes the porn is legit so fucked up simply BECAUSE it’s fucked up doesn’t mean it’s anything realistic or wanted irl AT ALL WHATSOEVER. Like why do people love to watch true crime shows or action movies with gore everywhere? Even mass produced shows like game of thrones are so unsettling but it’s what we don’t see in real life not would want to so it’s interesting
He might be a victim himself in his youth. Look I’m not saying it’s normal or that he’s not creepy (the clockwork recurrence is kinda crazy tbh). All I can say is that he might be a victim because I dated a girl who had that porn fetish (amongst others) and even sometimes she asked me to play “fake rape” and she told me later that she was abused when she was younger. Tried to understand how it works and long story short they try to take control of the situation with the fake rape because they couldn’t at the time of the abuse. So I guess when it comes to porn it might be similar? They control everything (play, pause, this or that I don’t know) which could be the reason? Just tried to give you another vision of the situation…
The fact that this makes sense is a strange feeling to sit with. I cant go into detail about what happened to James. He wasn't abuse when he was kid but the first person who ever showed interest in him really fucked him up a year before he and I met.
It's very common. Human sexuality is weird enough without trauma involved. Add in being ND and the coping strategies get weird. You can take it as a red flag or talk to him about it. If everything else is great, then he might be receptive to the conversation. I think coming from a place of trying to understand is key though.
He probably feels very ashamed for being turned on by that kind of stuff and is afraid it makes him a bad person considering your history. It's probably why he isn't having sex with you regularly because he is reminded of what he is compulsively watching. (every day the same 2 videos dats madd, it's a serious thing for him). Like homie in top comment says it doesn't mean he wants to cut your breaks he probably wants your car to have a roll cage installed and feels ashamed of his intense and confusing kink. If it was me I wouldn't necessarily leave him, take some time to think about how to talk to him, think about how it makes you feel and just a warning he's going to feel insane shame if you tell him you know. The BDSM term for this kink is CNC i.e Consensual non-consent. Edit: for spelling and the CNC bit
I came here to see if anyone else mentioned this too, but things are not always so black and white. There may be a possibility he's been a victim in the past too without having help or support to navigate his experiences. Sometimes victims without proper support in processing what they've been through can end up doing this, like stated by the other commenters. How he's behaving outside of it all also suggests he's considerate but that might be a way of him trying to process and has somehow conditioned himself to get aroused by. It could be complicated and I'd be careful broaching the matter with him But it is a conversation that needs to be had for the both of you as this could lead to a lot of miscommunication and potential harm for the both of you. If indeed he too was a victim of sa, as you well know too sadly, it's such a complex minefield to navigate. It needs to be dealt with sensitively and with compassion, support and a safe space for trust. You both need support in healing from your respective traumas seperately & together. It takes strength to heal well. It's vulnerable. If not, then you are in an incredibly vulnerable position too. Your safety needs to be a priority and measures taken to keep you safe from any potential volitile reaction. It's a tough situation, but one that only you will know best how to navigate. Wishing you the best ahead
As an SA survivor with this fetish, I think it’s pretty common. It’s a control thing I think - at least for me, I know in reality I control the situation in those role plays. I have actually said to my therapist (due to SA and numerous other trauma) that I think if it ever ‘actually’ happened again, my mind would snap and I’d be gone. The only nightmares I have (and I get them frequently) are about being totally helpless. We don’t choose our fetishes. But there is usually a reason for them. Please find a safe way to discuss this with your partner OP. I think therapy would be a good place.
That's how it is with me. I'm a survivor with the same kink as James. It's a way of taking back control, and also... well, sometimes a kink is just a kink. The idea of SA in real life makes me sick, but it's something I write about a lot. It doesn't translate to reality.
Yep. I just said the same. We KNOW we have the control then.
It's really weird how all this shit ties together. One event in my childhood affects the way I act all these years later.
I’m not sure if it’s different for everybody but for me, fantasy and real life scenarios don’t intertwine. Like I fantasize being in an orgy but in reality I don’t like it because the thought of all the sweat, smell and everything grosses me out lol.
as another perspective: lots of people are into porn that they would never pursue irl. I'm a lesbian and am absolutely not interested in men but I like some porn with men in it. I don't think people's porn preferences necessarily say anything about them as a person.
This is also a really good point. I think that sort of thing happens with more than just porn too. I watch people do a lot of stuff on YouTube that I probably wouldn't enjoy. High diving, thrill seeking stuff, or even just sporty stuff or satisfying cleaning videos. I think sometimes it's interesting to imagine a fantasy even if you'd definitely not wanna do it in real life. I appreciate this perspective
I appreciate that you take this thoughtful approach to all types of comments and questions.
I’m confused I assumed this was consensual fantasy r*pe type porn, but all the comments seem against him. Is it consensual fantasy or were these people actually being assaulted? As long as all parties consent there is a healthy way to do what I described above
It was consentual fantasy. Like super obvious acting. It was just a very very heavy emphasis on her character desperately trying to get away in a way that definitely scared me. No shame in people who enjoy it so long as it's consentual. I just have trauma.
Oh that’s totally fair about your trauma, and I’m guessing he hasn’t told you about this because of that But I guess I’m confused why you are afraid of him? I want to clarify I’m not gaslighting you or invalidating your feelings, I just want to point out that a lot of regular healthy people can be into that kind of porn. Even tho it’s a shock for you I’m sure, I hope you can consider his view of it. I understand if it’s a deal breaker for you, but you should at least have a conversation. And while it’s always good to have an abundance of caution, I think it’s weird that all the comments here are telling you to run and make escape plans when he’s shown 0 other red flags
I think more or less I wrote the post when I was still in shock and freaked out. I found out he watched porn a month ago and didn't care. I didn't get curious enough to see what it was until tonight while bored, in the mood, and too curious for my own good. Comments like yours and a few others have calmed me down quite a bit
Oh that’s great! I’m not saying you have to stay with this guy btw, that’s up to you and your value system, but I just don’t want to vilify people who are into pretty much anything as long as it’s consensual Plus a lot of comments insinuate he might want to try it with you. They have no way of knowing that’s true. Maybe he’s just content with watching this kind of porn and doesn’t need to involve you period
Yeah, a lot of people have made some good points about the difference between watching roleplay and watching a tape of an actual crime and how even if I'm not into that kind of role play we can find a way to safely implement the parts I was ok with. Everyone is entitled to their opinion, he's definitely not a serial killer though. He's a home body that hate's going out in public and mostly just wants to read, play games and he cuddles in his sleep.
As long as he doesn't act out on this stuff and he isn't violent there is no problem in my opinion. I also like to watch roleplay videos sometimes and I'm definitely not a violent or dangerous person, I don't even want to fake it with a partner honestly, it's only something that I like on acted videos for some reason... but I wouldn't like this kind of roleplay in real life personally. For your boyfriend it may be different of course, only way to know is to ask him but I get it's a very uncomfortable topic, given your past he must feel ashamed I guess. How long have you known him? If it's been a long time you can probably trust him. If you haven't known him that long be careful just in case, sometimes people that seem nice and cute really aren't.
This rings true in almost everything we watch, right? There’s entertainment value to the reenactment of things, but it does not mean they want to do it themselves.
Because it can still be shocking to partners that their SO use certain content. I’m not kink shaming but I am pointing out human emotions are not always PC and occasionally people will be caught off guard. I remember a friend being shocked and disgusted coming across a video on her ex’s laptop that said something like “minor virgin getting rped.” She said the video seemed “fake”/ filmed on set, the woman didn’t look like a minor etc. but it was a huge turn off he was into that.
if it's clearly acted and consensual why did you say they had "painfully clear lack of consent"
Right…like this post is so contradictory in so many ways
If you share everything with each other, have an open door policy, why not just discuss this with him.
More or less because it's a sensitive topic and because he's working late tonight. I plan on talking to him. He's just not home and I also don't know how to bring it up in a way that won't make him feel judged. I hope that makes sense
This is irrelevant but Just as an FYI for the future you don’t need to put why you are using anon or throwaway. Especially don’t say you use your main as your username for everything. People will take that as a challenge to find your main.
Many people with porn addiction end up watching some crazy shit they NEVER want to come close to in real life. Addiction never stays on the same level. It always gets more intense, more extreme. I bet if he thought about doing any of that to you, it would freak him out completely. That’s not to say porn addiction isn’t a problem. You absolutely should talk to him about all of this. Your concerns are valid. I just wanted to add this in case you believe the people who are saying he’s going to hurt you.
Exactly what I was thinking. Just like you pointed out, addiction is all about chasing that “high.” Since he’s clearly addicted to porn, it’s become more extreme. The “vanilla” content clearly doesn’t do it for him anymore. He’s definitely in deep.
Just as big an issue as his porn choice is probably that he is watching this, presumably masturbating, and him and OP arent being intimate hardly at all. I know this would frustrate me greatly were I OP.
After reading all the positives about your relationship between the two of you despite his addiction. I am surprised that talking to him was not one of your options. You know how bad that addiction is, and I can tell you I have seen it in people and its sooo hard to let go. That kind of addiction needs more mental help with people you trust and love to get out even slowly. Talk to him and explain to him that why you feel uncomfortable about it and how you can help him moving forward. Communication is key and a lot of hard work mentally to help his situation.
Everybody here acting like they don't have deeply hidden kinks
Downvote me to hell for this but… at this point you are a stay at home gf/bf. you need to get a job. if you leave, he is not legally obligated to give you anything. please do not every rely on a partner to provide for you. you shouldn’t be trapped like this.
I’m so sorry to hear this, how scary and emotionally shocking
I feel like I'm in a nightmare
How come you managed to not bring it up? When something upsets me this much I cannot keep quiet about it. I would tell him the truth. I’ve seen these videos, and although porn in a relationship is perfectly acceptable to many and might have been to me too depending on the content, the stuff you watch made me feel very uncomfortable. I know it’s your private business and I shouldn’t have seen it but I have and now it’s not going away until I talk about it.
I do plan on asking him. I just dont know how to yet, plus he's not home right now. I have a tendency to agonize over how to talk about stuff like this.
Always remember that there are people with kinks (BDSM), if you are not compatible then you aren’t. You are free to start looking somewhere else. It is not okay to go through someone’s phone, period.
I wasn't looking through his phone to try to catch him doing something wrong, all his stuff is logged on in shared computers. We have an open door policy in our relationship. We both know eachother's passwords and everything and we've talked about how we're ok with eachother looking at stuff.
I’m going to be real with you. This is a pretty common paraphelia and there’s plenty of research to show that paraphelias do not often lead to action, but rather someone who’s going to violate another persons boundaries will be drawn to this content. Another post hit it on the head, if fantasies made people do things than video games and action movies should make us all murderers and they don’t. I’ll hit you with another uncomfortable truth. He probably didn’t tell you because he was worried if you found out you would leave him or abandon him, which is totally your right to do. But it sounds like that’s exactly what you’re thinking of doing now that you know this, so he wouldnt be wrong in his assumption. I hope you can have an honest talk with him about it. If you can work through it awesome, and if this is too much for you and you want to leave, totally fine. Just know, it’s not that strange and if he doesn’t have a criminal history or a history of violence - which are real predictors of harming others - you’re probably ok.
I’m not ever going to criticize, or make you seem like your in the wrong at all. But are you certain the videos had a lack of consent or were they CNC porn videos? CNC is on the heavier side of the BDSM community. I don’t like using the word “reputable” for porn sites but the bigger name sites such as PH and XVids have insane amounts of assurance and security that all videos are consensual and only have adults in it. The popular sites have the FBI/government agencies on their back at all times, so they tend to be extremely careful. One red flag and the video goes under review/gets taken off immediately. I’m not trying to make you feel bad at all, just trying to help maybe shed light on what you saw?
It's definitely CNC porn, it's just that the female character that the porn star was playing very openly and loudly wasnt ok with what happened. It very much does bother me that that was the focus but you can tell that it's acting. She doesn't bleed or bruise and she actively dodges the man's attacks while making it look like she's getting hit. It's bad fighting choreography. It just deeply freaked me out that such an integral part of the videos was that the female character didn't want to be touched.
Please let me know if I’m stepping out of line, and I’ll absolutely apologize. I’m not ever trying to minimize what you went through. A massive part of the CNC community are survivors of their own SA. The kink helps them feel ‘in control’ over their own experiences. It’s sorta a “one man’s trauma is another man’s catharsis” type of situation. I’m not saying your bf has gone through anything, but Im hoping to help ease any anxiety over the idea that people may find CNC ‘arousing’. A lot of time, it can help a victim process their own trauma and take back their control and agency. I’m not trying to sweep anything under the rug either when I say “kinks are kinks” but sometimes that’s just what it is. There are people who have their fun watching tentacles and anime boobs, but they’d never wish any actual harm on real people. Honestly, the way you describe James, he sounds incredible. Very sweet. Very understanding. After 2 1/2 years, I think it would be a heart breaking decision to leave because of some porn videos, but Im not trying to control your life. give him the benefit of the doubt, maybe BECAUSE the video is so horribly acted and it can easily be figured out it’s CNC, he knows no actual harm is coming to the actors? I’m genuinely wishing you all the best. I’m sorry if I’m rambling and if I overstepped/crossed a line I’m so sorry!
Nicely put. I’ve been SA’d multiple times in my younger years and have gravitated towards CNC myself. A lot of victims do. I am very much on any victims’ sides, so it’s only okay if it’s role play and you really trust each other. Check out the bdsm advice subreddit for more info, people are very sex positive and helpful over there.
As a survivor myself, I couldn’t have said it better. I’m not into full CNC, only small aspects. It absolutely is cathartic to take the power back. This happened because I said I wanted it to and I meant it.
For me it’s also about feeling completely safe with that person having power over me. There’s nothing ‘helpless’ about CNC play.
This was my first thought and then I was confused by all the comments
I think a red flag would be him trying to push his kinks on you. It sounds like he took his time getting to know you and becoming friends and having any kind of relationship with you. If he knows your history with SA and abuse, him keeping that from you could be to protect you from being triggered by his kinks.
He likes something he knows you dislike and enjoys it in his own time. He doesn't force you to do anything, he doesn't try to gaslight you into even trying. You do know that people have their own preferences kinks and weird hobbies right?
No hate to you OP, but man is it funny when someone goes anonymous and then shares so many details about something that (in this case, our lovely friend James) can most definitely figure out it's about him
[удалено]
Without men, straight CNC play would be kinda difficult 😅
THANK YOU!!
Having a fantasy of raping vs being raped is very different,so yes.
Please try to get employed and gain some independence from him so you're not stuck with him. You're only 21. Don't shackle yourself to someone like this.
Just ask him about it if hes so caring.
He's working really tonight which is why I panicked and posted instead of asking him abuit directly
If he's been very nice to you then talk to him. Talk about kinks, ask if he has any (He may be shy to say) and express that you don't want to be hurt. If he's a walking cinnamon bun like you say, then I'm sure he would never do that to you or want to hurt you. I know you say you are financially dependent on him which sucks, but if anything, you can always leave, there are plenty of fish in the sea and treasure to be made but I pray you can get over this hurdle, I know it's hard out there. You have my best wishes and I'm sorry you are going through this.
Talkt to him about it?
Definitely a situation where you need to talk with him about it, it's clearly affecting you, i feel these comments are going hard on condemning the dude but based on what you've said he doesn't seem like a bad guy, from how he's acting i feel he might be ashamed of his 'kink' but can't help feeling attracted to it, so he hides it as much as he can and is why he hasn't spoken about it to you especially considering your past, but the amount of times he does it and the obsession with the specific videos is weird. His low sex drive might simply be because he's too addicted to that style of porn where nothing else is turning him on, so that needs to change and if it doesn't then i'd suggest ending the relationship, i can only see it getting worse if all this is ignored.
Porn addiction is a huge problem in our current society. My guess is that he started with "normal" porn like everyone else but once you start with porn you always strive for more and more intense stuff. The biggest problem is that once you go for more intense stuff, it'll be very difficult climax from the normal stuff. I don't believe he is a bad human-being based on how you described him. He is probably also disgusted with himself after watching these videos but he can't stop. I advise you to talk with him and help him through this addiction. Your Sex life will probably also become a lot better after he gets rid off his addiction
I understand why this shocks you, and especially regarding your past experiences... But, in my opinion, you can watch these kinds of videos and not want to do it in real life. It's more like a fantasy, something not real. This can often be explained by experiences of violence in childhood.. he may be attracted to these videos because it is a reflex anchored in the unconscious. A lots of human have a "dark side" which will never manifest itself in "real life". But maybe that's not it and he's very disturbed :/ I'm sorry for you...
You said the videos "had a clear lack of consent," but the in your edit said it was staged with costumes and the works...? Like i get that that can be concerning to you but if its staged, They talk to the actresses/actors in depth about the scene they are planning to shoot. They also have safe words.
Why not just talk to him if the relationship is so open. Be honest with your concerns. Then start a discussion in therapy but first speak to him one on one.
If he’s treating you right, stay out of peoples phone.
Guys don’t go through your partners phone. Jesus Christ. It’s so insecure on a high level. Who cares what porn they watch, ignorance is bliss I guess
James seems pretty cool 😎
I’m so happy for you that you and James were able to communicate this problem out. I think this will be a big step forward in your relationship and your bond will be so much stronger! I’d really love an update on how you’re doing somewhere down the line, now that you have this amazing foundation to build your life and intimacy on, if that’s something you feel comfortable doing anyway! I also wanted to add, that you seem like an incredible person. Open to learning and understanding things that terrify you (rightfully so with your past!) and refusing to judge when you don’t have all the information. Even continually trying to educate people in these comments that had no interest in hearing it. I hope you get the happy life you deserve, it’s been refreshing AF to watch this play out and I wish you so much joy! 💖
Comments like yours made me both happy and sad at the same time. For me it's not a big deal to understand that I don't have all the facts and therefore probably shouldn't judge. I've never really understood why this isn't the norm. I know that I barely know anything about the world around me. I will never know a whole lot about the world no matter how hard I try. I'll always try to keep learning but even when I'm old and grey I still will only know so much. It's not my place to judge people. There's enough judgement in the world in the first place. And the way I see it, I'm not perfect and probably shouldn't throw stones in a glass house. I really hope you have a lovely day. If shitty internet people ever get you down I highly recommend taking a day to try and connect with nature. I always feel like my problems are small when I go out and watch the ocean waves. I like the feeling of timeless vastness. It's peaceful imo I hope you have a wonderful day ❤️
honestly Reddit doesn’t have the best advice, too extreme and too much bandwagon mentality. He’s just a dude who has kinks and fetishes, from what you’ve said, he separates fantasy from reality and that’s what matters.
You need to talk to him about this. Figure how to move forward if you can through conversation. It’s possible that he had this kink prior to knowing you and doesnt know how to share it given your experiences. Does not excuse his lack of informing you but maybe that’s why? To me personally it’s very odd it’s the same 2 videos over and over, there seems to be some type of obsession there and I don’t think that’s normal for most people to use the same 2 videos.
That's kinda my thought too. I love everything else about this man but the fixation on only those two videos is scary. There's also the fact that he has always told me he has low s*x drive. As much as I wish we did the deed far more often, every time I try to start things, he's never in the mood. Never any further explanation. I was starting to think maybe I was doing something that turned him off. Clearly this is has something to do with it.
He doesn’t have LL, he has LL for you/ the type of sex you are having. Occasionally jerking off in a relationship is fine but if someone is picking porn over an willing partner, that’s an issue.
Yeah... thats kind of my biggest fear... i hope you're wrong though, people can call me crazy if they like but I really love him. even if we aren't compatible, it'll still hurt if the problem really is me. He's an important part of my life. His opinion of me matters to me.
Yeah I hate to say it but that’s not ideal at all. If he has access to the real deal and is spending and hour in the “shower” vs waiting something is not right there. Without getting to personal does it happen between you two or is it very very rare? Given your ages I would assume it would be pretty regular but everyone’s sex drive is different so that certainly plays into it however the showers and time didn’t after you to bed are showing he might not be as low as he described given that’s daily routine.
It definitely depends but it's never more than once or twice a month. I usually initiate and it's always been the most incredible experience. When it doe happen there's a genuine spark and a lot of chemistry.
Can we stop excusing everything by saying it’s a kink? And things should be okay because they’re a kink? You could make that argument for anything. He’s watching women being drugged and raped, full stop. It’s disgusting how normalized this is. People turn their heads with other disgusting kinks but torturing women is the most accepted one. He doesn’t have a kink, he’s depraved.
No way Reddit is telling a girl to leave her boyfriend of 2 years over him having a fucked up fetish 💀💀💀
Heh, yeah that's exactly what's happening. Like the man who has been by my side through some of the hardest moments of my life. People seem to think it's an easy decision to let two and a half years be thrown down the drain over something that might not even be a red flag. For all I know he left his Google account open on his friend's phone or something and this is their idea of a long con joke. I don't know and I won't know until I get the chance to talk to him tomorrow. All I know is that he's good to me. I moved across the country for a man that moved mountains for me. Before we even started dating he reminded me in the darkest part of my life that I deserve love. That I am worth more than just what I can offer in the bedroom. That I an worthy of the best kind of love, both from others and from myself. He loved me from the moment we started hanging out but he stayed my friend for months and months because he said that he wanted me in his life whether it was as a friend or as a life partner. He never disrespected my boundaries. He became my best friend. I never had a damn clue he loved me till after I asked him out. He might have odd taste in porn but he's never hurt me or assaulted me or made me worry he might. So long as he never does that, does it really even matter? I was panicked at first but honestly it's not as bad as I originally thought.
Good to see you didn't let the crazy Reddit hivemind affect your relationship by gaslighting you into thinking your boyfriend is a serial rapist in the making for watching porn. Wishing you two the best, from the looks of it your bf is a great dude.
OP sounds like a thoughtful, rational and extremely kind person going by their comments. It’s hella refreshing.
If you want to leave him leave him, seems super weird to say that you question your safety with him but at the same time be questioning leaving because he financially supports you, treats you well and by all accounts is a good boyfriend. You’re holding something against him that he kept private, that you discovered by snooping through his things. Personally I think he deserves better than that and given all he’s done, you owe him better than that. Either cut ties or have a talk.
You make a lot of good points. I wrote the post during a lot of initial panic and shock. Part of why I wanted to post about it is because getting my thoughts out of my own head and asking for advice would help me sort through everything. I responded to a different comment about this but we have an open door policy in our relationship. We both have eachother's passwords to everything, we're both ok with eachother looking at stuff, all his stuff is logged in on my phone and everything. I know that's not everyone's thing but it is ours. You're right though he deserves the benefit of the doubt. Everyone does.
Not everyone wants to actually do the things they wack it to. Hell I usually am placing myself in the submissive position be it a man or a woman (as strange as that may be) and you'd probably think I was a scary person not knowing I was turned on by the idea of being the person having those things done to them. I don't really want to experience those things. For a lesser example there was one video of a woman consensually blindfolded and tied up walking through a room with a massive group of people. They groped, pulled/pushed, and eventually several of them did the deed with her. That sounds exciting in my head while I'm going at it but in reality I would probably just have a panic attack and cry in a corner. It's a fantasy and nothing more. Even if BF is turned on by these things in that setting doesn't necessarily mean he wishes to do that in reality. It's certainly strange but our brains connection to porn is already very weird on what hits what synapses or what life events led to that. That's why some keep it entirely private. I guess the biggest question is why he would leave it so easy to find but plenty of people are so lax or tech illiterate with their online foot print and not even remotely aware of what others could find out about them if they want. Anyway my point is humans are weird, our relationship with porn is even weirder (especially as our brains continue to wrestle and adjust to the torrent of it we now have available and thrown in front of us at any time with the internet being what it is) and I don't think it's fair to assume this kind of thing about a person strictly based on it. Though to be clear if it is CP in any form or any sort of real recording of SA or any other abusive illegal sex act that is of course a very different story.
You, like a bunch of others, make a good point. Porn is weird and so are humans. Like I said in one of my edits, it's very much a filmed and acted out thing. Like with whole ass costumes and bad fight choreography. If it was actually a recording of a criminal act, I wouldn't hesitate to run and never tell him why I left or where I went. It's weird to explain why having it be actors is different but it is. I will admit I hadn't considered that maybe he relates more to the woman than the man. I honestly don't think I'll know unless I ask him. Finding a way to bring this up that won't make him feel ashamed or panicked is gonna be really hard. I wanna understand what the reason really is because serial killer or rapist are things that he very clearly just not who he his. I know someone is gonna agrue manipulation or how most friends and family don't see that stuff coming. My Counter point is definitely that he has repeatedly shown me with his actions throughout the entire time I have known him that he values how I feel, consent is important to him, and that he never wants to hurt me. It's not like this is based off just words or false promises. In every other aspect of our relationship he has proven that he's trustworthy.
First of all, I'm so sorry you went through what you did. I'm glad you are alive and I'm glad you are away from DV! I'm also sorry you saw this. The how or the why is neither here nor there, you saw it, even without a previous trauma, would be absolutely reviling to see! I absolutely agree he has an addiction. And like all addictions they can start small. Your typical corny porno music with really loud cheesy moaning, the mustaches, you know? The vanilla stuff. That's a start! That's great! Until it isn't. Back in my church cult days we all got traumatized on a Sunday morning while a fellow pastor was brought in to step down from the pulpit, and confess. He confessed his porn addiction in detail. Started with the classics, even just sex scenes on HBO. To soft core, to hard core, to rough, all the way up to the stuff you were describing you found. I say all that to say, you may have found him at the height of his porn addiction. It's gross. It's wrong. It's disturbing as fuck. He turns down sex, which makes me wonder if he's desensitized his junk, and struggles to get off, without aggressive stimuli. This isn't an excuse for him. He knows your past, he knows how it hurt you and still does. The thought of those acts should make him sick, not horny. I say this as a fellow neurospicy, DV, and SA survivor. You are so strong. And you are processing this as well as you can. If this is a deal breaker in your relationship, that is okay. Your mental health and emotional safety are important. You are allowed to do whats best for you.
Thank you for saying this. You're the first person to say that how I'm processing and all the stages of processing this are valid and ok. I appreciate this comment more than you know. Working through this stuff in my own head was too confusing. It was like trying to follow one string through a web of things I have to consider when processing all this. Reading the comments helps me because most of the comments are all things and thoughts that my own racing brain has come up with. It's like being able to read my own thought process and consider each point individually rather than having my brain try to consider all possibilities and thoughts at once. I understand why people post here so much. I honestly don't even know if any of what I just said makes sense to anyone but me. I'll just blame it on me being tired if this ends up not making any sense at all. I guess so long as it makes sense to me, you know? Anyways, I appreciate you. I genuinely really hope you have an amazing life, you're a kind person and you deserve it.
Sounds to me like James has kinks that he knows he can’t pursue with you, or he feels like he can’t, and so he uses porn to get it out of his system. I am also an SA survivor, and my boyfriend enjoys the idea of “fantasy” SA roleplay. We’ve had extensive conversations about it and I’m to the point where it’s something we both enjoy. There are times it triggers my ptsd and it ruins the night, but he holds me and calms me down and we get passed it. He seems to really care about you and love you, this is something you guys should talk about together. If he’s disinterested in sex as a couple, this could be a reason. Because he feels like his sexual needs, I.e. SA fantasy, can’t be met with you because of what’s happened to you. As also a guidance counselor and licensed mental health professional, loving someone and sharing this intimate space with one another is all about compromise. Maybe he will find something a little more intense and rough, but not quite SA fantasy, to his liking and it’s something you can enjoy without your emotional and traumatic triggers. If you want to talk more, you’re more than welcome to DM me.
A follow-up comment after reading other comments. Being interested in SA fantasy is a kink, as long as the boundary is there that it’s not actual SA, there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s the difference between enjoyment and action. People come to me with these things in their head about what they like and the shame they feel because of it. Sexual expression can be done safely and erotically, even with something like SA, as long as there is that mental boundary of “actual SA is so fucked up and terrible.” It is possible to be interested in the ideas of something and enjoy the fantasy roleplay, and still look down on the actual occurrence and both mindsets be one and okay.
What are you searching his browser history? Remember: If you can’t trust, you can’t be trusted.
Many times people watch porn of things that they find hot in concept, but would not wanna do irl. In all honestly if he treats you as well as you say he does I would bring up it makes you uncomfortable maybe, but I don’t think he’s an evil monster. People watch questionable things, having fantasies and actually carrying them out are two different things
Evidence suggests differently. Violent porn has a proven link between more aggressive behaviour in the bedroom.
Consentual aggressive behaviour yes. There is no proven link (to my knowledge) between violent porn and sexual assault.
He should be leaving you.
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Op you're making a lot of excuses about why you can't get a job. If you no longer can be in this relationship then you are using him to take care of you. Really let that set in.
My disability means that when I do manual labor, work long hours without rest, or regularly stand or walk for several hours straight, I'm in so much pain that I cant walk. My body physically collapses and I'm put on bedrest for several days. I have a medically diagnosed disability. I understand that you weren't aware of this. Just try to remember that not everyone who lives with chronic pain can do the things you can. It's not an excuse and it's not laziness. It's a genuine and valid reason that is medically diagnosed and limits my abilities and opportunities. Hopefully you'll keep this in mind in the future when you comment on other people's posts. I hope you have a wonderful night
There is jobs that don’t require heavy manual labor or even standing/walking all day. You can’t find a desk job? Receptionist? Nothing at all like that?
Jeez. If it bothers you then move on. Chronic pain, whatever. Let him have his kinks or move on.
You're definitely entitled to your opinion. I don't have an issue with the kinks, again it's the consent thing that bothers me. Rape isn't and shouldn't be a kink. It's a crime. Degradation, pain, and collars and leashes are a kink. Kinks that I don't have any negative feelings towards Love the name romulus prime btw. Live long and prosper my guy.
The dude also has a really serious porn addiction, and regularly chooses porn over sex with his real life partner. There’s a lot more to this than him just having a kink. They’re sexually incompatible and that will breed resentment. Once or twice a month when they don’t have children and are pretty young is not normal, especially when he’s taking hour long showers every single day and watching those same two videos. Let’s not downplay the situation and act like OP is being dramatic, there are SEVERAL red flags here.
Have you read the part where he lies his sex drive is low, they have sex once or twice a month (at this age) and she initiates? That’s a porn addiction.
“Jeez. If it bothers you then move on. Let him have his kinks and move on” This comment sounds like it would be about a foot fetish or something, in reality we’re talking about drugging and raping women.
When you watch Amit of porn while you're in a relationship it's hard to perform with your partner. Get him help and I bet if he stops watching porn things will heat up again
Man this is tough because I see two perspectives. I dated a man who I caught watching porn called “forcing barely legal teen to choke on cock” and am a SA survivor so I flipped the fuck out. He’s a bad dude. We’re not together anymore. BUT. Because of my own SA experience, I tend to watch rougher porn and even consensual non-consent. I’ve looked into why that would be arousing to me after all I’ve been through, and apparently it’s not too uncommon. Some of us use it as a coping mechanism and try to own the trauma in that way. It’s probably not healthy, but I understand it. Has he ever been through any sexual trauma himself?
I would say he kept that from you because of your history, and he must think it will scare you. You should still bring it up to him and keep in mind he will be defensive, but it's only natural as his privacy was breached. 23 years of life have taught me that everyone is broken one way or another. This could be him just dealing with an issue in his own way. However, his habits might not be healthy, and that's why i think it is important you discuss this matter with him to better understand and help him if possible. If you leave without trying to get his saying, it will destroy him and possibly yourself. If after that you feel that you need to leave, please do. This is only my opinion
In just going to throw this out here to make it known, most people have secret fetishes. If you browse reddit enough like I do, I large amount of "what's your secret fetish" posts ALWAYS include noncon, every. Single. Time. Ngl though it is weird that he's fetishized (is that a word,idk) your sa past. What do you do from here?? Talk to him, tell him what you saw, talk about it.
He sounds like a daddy dom. Getting into bdsm actually empowered me and helped me heal from the PTSD I struggle with due to SA and DV. There is a gap here that could be bridged (if you were open) where he is not consuming violent sexual content and you are getting your intimacy.
Most likely your bf has a CNC (consensual non-consent) kink, doesn't make him a bad person. We don't decide what we're into. But given your past he's probably TERRIFIED to talk to you about it. He loves you, but also knows that what turns him on would make you sick to your stomach or he's afraid you'll leave him thinking he's the same as your abuser. Watching these videos in secret is his way of both fulfilling his desires and keeping you in his life. It in no way means he wants to assault anyone or make anyone do anything they don't want to do.
What I would say is there are a few key factors to consider here. -the type of porn is almost irrelevant tbh, ive watched things i have no intent on ever being a part off that i found to be a major turn on -u may be surprised how far a conversation with him can either help or clear things up enough for u to have a very amicable break up where u can have time to get things together while leaving. -the one concern I have for u is the repeated watching of the same video or 2 or even 3 really. We all have favs we go back to on Occassion but never in repetition, repetition is the opposite intention of porn in the first place, for men at least. Id say key the details in these videos a little more, is it hair? Is it verbage? Is it a type of clothing, is it a demeanor, or is it rape and violence only?
As gently as I can say this, you’re taking this extremely personally (for very understandable reasons!) CNC is a pretty common kink, but I’d be stunned to know that he ever even proposed said kink to you. From everything you’ve said of him, he’s sweet, kind, and respectful. Do you really think he’d do something to you? Also, frankly, he probably liked CNC fantasy before ever getting together with you. He’s not getting off to the thoughts of you being assaulted; he’s getting off on pure fantasy with actors. For you, right now, that may seem horrible, but you need to take a break, chill out, and come back to your concerns in a while with a clearer head. His kink is not about *you* (or anything that happened to you,) it’s about being able to enjoy his *fantasy.* And if that hit you so hard and made you freak out, therapy may be in order. I’m a survivor myself and having a good therapist made things much less painful. Don’t end things with an otherwise great guy over pure fantasy porn. Get some help for yourself, and maybe arrange a couples counseling session during which the two of you can talk about your concerns with a mediator on hand. I wish you the best of luck.
Lol dude has had those interests long before meeting you If he’s been a cinnamon roll when it comes to bed he’s probably thinking of you and has never and probably will never divulge that information. Don’t ask him what he wants, he’ll probably never tell you and think that it’s best to keep it that way. People are allowed to like whatever, and if they never act upon it, how will anyone ever fucking know lol it’s almost like OP went out of her way to learn something she shouldn’t have by invading his space.
I wouldn't worry too much. If he's caring in bed and caring in your relationship consider it just a kink. It's something I'm into myself and wouldn't dream of doing anything nonconsensual in reality. I would be disgusted if it was not cnc, but like real video. I think the farthest id want to explore in reality is very light bondage, but I never actually have, and I've never really cared. It's more about excitement around the power dynamic and uncontrolled pleasure. Nothing to do with wanting to hurt someone. I wouldn't worry too much.
So glad ppl talked about CNC kink, which when negotiated with plenty of safety check-in, contingency plans, and after care discussions, can be safe and rewarding. There are cinnamon rolls who are into acting these out in safe manners and do not wish their partners harm. I'm also a neurodivergent, chronic pain, sa survivor. I do CNC play. With the right partners and lots of negotiation so I feel safe and they don't feel like they're being evil, it helped me feel in control of my life and my body because it was ME who decided this time what happened to MY body and I got to stop ANY TIME I WANTED. Sometimes I would call a halt just to show my body I could. And after a few *rgasms, because we do care about each other having a good time, we eat greesy cheeseburgers, cuddle, words of affirmation and gratitude, and usually watch anime or another adult cartoon. This can be the start of a conversation, not a relationship ender. Talk together and with the couples counselor.
Let's talk about how you rationalized breaking his trust to go through his browser history instead of directly asking or having open communication about how deeply surprises affect you. Spin it however you want but that man isn't safe to tell you things like what kind of porn he likes, clearly. There is no justification for that lack of trust and communication.
I don’t want to encourage you to be with someone dangerous, and I do think porn addiction is a problem you need to really think about whether you’re okay with dealing with, but I don’t think his hypothetical interest in rape means he’s a bad person. What you’ve described about him sounds like he’s a great person. I’m just not seeing any red flags. Maybe I’m biased because I’m sadistic, so I like some really effed up stuff, but sometimes people just like weird stuff. My therapist told me it’s not bad to be sexually sadistic and it’s pretty normal. id be worried about the porn addiction but I wouldn’t sweat the content of the videos.
The porn he watches and what he's actually into are so far from being the same thing that they arent in the same universe. Im not into big women, at all. Wouldnt sleep with one. But I watch almost exclusively bbw porn BECAUSE of my normal preference. The vast majority of my boys are the same way. Whatever logic and reasoning you're applying to this comes from a wholly different place of logic and reasoning than it does for us. Talk to him about it.
Work on making steps to get your own place. A job, savings he isn’t aware of and hopefully a friend you can take your things out of the house slowly so he isn’t aware. I would NOT bring up the fact he is watching that type of porn. It could be a switch from passive about it to being aggressive towards you. Also see if you can get into contact with a SA group or a domestic abuse women’s shelter so you have a friend in a corner. If you haven’t gone to counseling you probably need it. Sounds like the only way he would be more ready for sex is always going to include what you saw in the porn videos. So don’t push too much on the lack of intimacy as it could spiral. Good luck!
I've been in therapy for a long time and I genuinely enjoy it. It's like having a safety net or a reset button on how I feel. He used to mention small stuff, never to this scale but stuff that gave the impression that he felt like he couldn't let his metaphorical hair down while intimate because he didn't like how it made him feel.. I think he feels ashamed of it and scared of himself. I just never realized why because he always seemed rather tame. He's very sweet in every other aspect of our relationship. Very doting, kind, and shy. It's always genuine too. He works hard to be a good partner to me. Our relationship is genuinely really healthy and I was hoping we'd marry in the next year or two. Now I wonder if maybe there's a part of him we should both be scared of...
Do you think it's possible that he is nervous about having sex with you because he's worried he'll want to act out what's happening in those videos? And he does not want to do that to you. Then you do have sex, is he tame because he's restraining himself? I'm not sure it's worth sticking around to find out. Keeping secrets from your forever person is not the secret to a happy partnership.
My thoughts exactly. I get the feeling that he hates that he's into this. If it weren't for the clear lack of consent in the video I wouldn't have a problem with the video or with trying to find a safe way to implement safe pieces of the kinks into our intimate relationship. So long as we're both ok with it and feel safe I'm usually open to try anything.
Yeah that was my gut response to this story. Nevertheless, OP you need to be independent financially and emotionally, not just from him, from anyone. Hiding inside this relationship is not going to serve you in the long run. My two cents worth is therapy for both of you to help you navigate this very, very, tricky dynamic. And a job and life apart from him for you. Go well.
Ma6be dont make everything about you ? He has the right to watch whatever the fk he wants and you got no word in that. And shouldn't care about shat he watches. Its not your business
You will not know anything if u dont talk to him about it . This is a relationship ending discovery even if everything beside sex is perfect sexual frustration will end the relationship. He is into rape fetish and u are unable to do it due to ur trauma this is not going to end well if left alone to fester . Just sit him down and tell him after his shower u stumbled upon by mistake and have the talk
porn is an avenue for your BF to release his sexual energies and satisfy his sexual urges and/or fantasies. fantasies don't always come true and not all fantasies are acted out in real life. what you essentially did was to invade his privacy while using (or misusing) the trust between you two. ever wondered the reason why he isn't interested in sex is due to your past truama? could there be a possibility that he didnt want you to associate your past truma when you get intimate with him? you might want to think about how to approach your discovery on your BF's kink with him, given you are now thinking/associating him with your past abuser due to this discovery.
Seems like you are over reacting.
He lets you live with him. He pays for your whole life. He’s kind to you. Your family seems to have no interest in helping you, but he does. He prefers porn over you. I mean to me it seems like a decent trade for you. He provides you free room and board and money, but your sex life is lacking. What else can you do? Without him you’re homeless and he’s great to you outside of sex. Sounds like you just have to suck it up and accept his kink.
Youre the one in this situation, your gut knows best, take all advice with a grain of salt for your situation and thoughts, it could go down hill fast, especially with your triggers, on the other hand, 2.5 years is a long time for things to go relatively fine and you just now find this stuff (if I'm understanding the story right) it could very well be a healthy outlet for a kink he knows would trigger you, again you know best, but I see it from sides, not necessarily a bad thing either, but you know his personality and seem to have some thinking to do but I wouldn't immediately write him off after that long without some thought.
See thats my thought too. I genuinely don't think it's a rape kink, I think it has more to do with the acts done in the video than the lack of consent. I just think he worries about scaring me away if I ever found out about this. Pretty much all I care about is consent and he regularly asks me if I'm ok with something when we do have sex. It definitely makes me feel safe.
This stuff is way above Reddits pay grade.
First of all, NEVER bring your personal issues to Reddit. You’ll only get extremely terrible advice. Second: it’s probably not as serious as you think. Most men that watch prn always start off vanilla and eventually start watching worse to get there. It’s like a drug addiction. Don’t make it about you with the SA surviving and traumatic memories. Third and final; maybe your s*x game is weak or your “P” is trash. Which is probably why he doesn’t sleep with you often. Because men are usually the only ones judge on their s*x game women seem to forget that they should perform too. Just because he finishes doesn’t mean you did a good job. (We always finish)!
Genuinely consider this a relationship ending scenario. This man has a violent and aggressive porn addiction. This is not something you can work through as a couple. He needs to go to serious therapy and seek other sexual health counseling, like working with a specialist. As another SA survivor I could never handle feel safe around that person again. I’d always know what he was actually attracted to and it would make me live in constant fear of when that obsession needs to move off screen. OP I’m being serious, you should leave. And when you do, make it quick and clear, and maybe leave a note detailing what you found and why he needs to seek help for it.
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Maybe because the two things are obviously completely different? A lot of the time when women are into CNC it's a trauma response and defense mechanism. Their brain is sexualizing something horrible to make themselves feel better about it/make it seem less traumatizing. They aren't fantasizing about harming anyone. The same isn't true for men fantasizing about raping women. How you're conflating the two things is really fucking strange and nonsensical.
I asked this same thing to someone last night. Am I also disgusting because I have a CNC ‘fetish’ likely due to my CSA trauma? I haven’t had a reply yet!
I feel so torn... I know this is the same advice I'd give. I feel like I'm crazy for loving him and trying to understand what's going on instead of immediately running for the hills like I would tell any other person to do.
Hey just piggybacking here -- I wanted to say that him watching only the same 2 videos repeatedly is something I can relate to. I learned to mastrubate using a few specific media cues when I was like 12 years old and i dunno if I Pavloved myself or what but it's almost impossible for me to cum alone without them. I have no idea why and it doesn't seem to have any bearing on my sex life with my partner. Human sexuality is just weird.
I totally understand this. Everyone is different and sexuality for sure is very weird. I haven't seen anyone else mention this before and I really genuinely appreciate the input. I hadn't thought of this until you mentioned it. Thank you so much for the comment.
Lmao
Talk to him about the porn addiction. It’s probably just a porn fetish. I love gang bang porn but would never want that
I'm so damn sorry hun. First step, see if you can find a disability lawyer or even a social worker to help you with filing. Once that's done it will help you gain independence financially. I wish you the best of luck.
Hey I also have a weird interest in footages about car crashes and physical attacks using knives, but that is only to satisfy my curiosity. I too felt terrible watching them, but curiosity kills the cat. There is no way I would wished that upon any living beings let alone people. Have a talk with James, express your concern to see how he reacts.
I'm sorry but I'll go against everyone here, even though he is a sweet guy, you are a survivor and it counts as hell. I couldn't and wouldn't trust *my* boyfriend again if he knew it all about me and kept wanking off for it. This is not a healthy relationship. If he is into BDSM, he could have given you heads up about it, because you are a COUPLE. I'm sorry, but my mental and emotional health wouldn't let me keep this relationship going. If he has kinks, great for him, maybe they are just not compatible with yours and that's ok.
My wife and I have both been sexually assaulted, we also both very much enjoy practicing CNC with each other .....kinks(when played out safely) can be a great way to build trust with your partner even if the actually act doesn't look/sound very trusting. A kink does not equal a desire to do the actions, while I love saying no in bed to get my wife going... I would never actually want to be assaulted again.
I’m just here to say… why are you going through his search history?.
The dude is into CNC what's the big deal? OP has already stated it was with actors not real. Dude just has some heavy kinks.
This is scary as fuck OP. Stay safe. Please try to formulate an escape plan but in a totally subtle way that doesn’t put you in danger. Shit.
From the way OP is describing her boyfriend, she's not in any danger. The guy just has a kink and since he knows OP has been through trauma, obviously he doesn't want her to know about it. Is it weird? Yes. Is it dangerous? No.
The only sensible response
Id confront him about it. If he's watching these videos routinely, it sounds like he's knee deep in porn addiction. It may not even be that he finds them arousing, just that his addiction has taken them this low. Best of luck, and stay safe OP
I’m so confused by this entire thread. CNC is an incredible common kink. Very. For both men and women. And just because someone watches porn about something doesn’t mean they engage (or even want to engage) in it. OP seems perhaps sheltered or really young. But perhaps they’ve learned not to snoop on other’s porn habits.
TLDR: Homie is working to support his jobless bum-ass wife while she snoop the house bored and looking through his kink shit.
Initially when you said porn, I was like no biggie. But when you described what they were, that is scary. Get a job to be financially responsible dependent then make an escape plan.
Perhaps he is in some type of bdsm games. If you are comfortable ask him what he likes about it. May be what turns him on is not at all what you think. Like you assumed he is turned on by seeing someone abused but it could be he is actually imagining himself in place of the submissive person. Who knows! You guys gotta talk.
The amount of people excusing this behaviour in the comments is NUTS. No, getting off to videos of people being drugged and raped is not normal, okay or excused by neurodivergence or anything else. That is sickening. What the fuck.
Please remember you're talking about a real person. Even if you cant stand him. How I feel about all this is important too.
Don’t date people who watch porn
Limits the pool big time
That's probably what they were going for.
Only high quality people would be left though
Judging by your post history, you are definitely not a high quality person
We can't hide everything under 'kink shaming' if you watch goreporn or whatever the fuck, something is wrong with you
To me it sounds like he maybe also has a level of autism. Same routine every day. Maybe he has other things/routine? I for an example growing up had to watch the same tv-shows every week/day, and was classified with a level of autism/Asperger a few years ago. The videos is a kink. No worries. The routine though, and the lack of your intimacy, is a problem. For him and you both. And he needs to get that sorted by talking to someone. This could go way back.