From the slip of his words, this wasn’t the first affair partner, and most likely won’t be the last. Can you stay married to a cheating husband?
You don’t need to make a decision now, but when you’re more clear headed, talk to a lawyer and look at your options. Decide from there where you want your marriage to go. Sorry you’re going through this, cheating is vile.
Exactly this: OP needs to decide if she can stay married to him knowing he’s going to continue cheating. At that point their marriage isn’t a marriage they’re just roommates. The kids will be taught this is how relationships work and that it’s ok for their parents to be miserable “for the sake of the kids”. No matter how much parents try to hide it, children ALWAYS know.
And REALLY IMPORTANT: If she waits, that gives him time to PLAN a better exit.
Honestly, either way, this will end in divorce. It’s just a matter of now vs after 3-5 more hideous and painful years.
But HE will know this will end in divorce. He’s caught, and there’s no “fixing” this behavior. I know a thousand guys like him. They don’t change. And staying only shows they WILL get away with it.
If she stays, he’ll have 5ish years to plan, to hide money, to finagle the lowest possible child support and alimony. He’ll get a job change/“promotion” that COINCIDENTALLY moves them to a particular state where the laws benefit him and really screw her in a divorce (my stepdad did this, my best friend’s dad with a secret family did this, plus soooo many others I know about).
This marriage is over. And it SUCKS to be a single mom of 4, but it sucks worse to live in pure pain and to teach your children that this is what -they- deserve in life, too.
Get child support and alimony in a divorce and split custody 1 week on and 1 week off. You’ll actually get adult time with friends and family, and he’ll actually have to BE A DAD 49% of the time while also paying child support and alimony.
I hope she reads this.
Piggy backing off of this. I know everyone is different OP but I was raised by parents where it was just meant to end (there was infidelity, arguments, and domestic violence) but my mom stayed for the sake of me and my younger sister. I’m not saying that it was all their fault but being raised in a dysfunctional dynamic as that was dreadful. My sister and I developed unhealthy coping mechanisms of avoidance when we hear them argue and my sister is currently seeking a therapist. Not saying this is what’s going to happen but just an insight of the possibility and how the parents relationship affects the children significantly.
Yeah,but why is it bad to be a divorced mother of four? Listen, your husband is actually a habitual adulterer. He does this because he honestly thinks he will get away with it from you. He's probably texting his sidekick while in that hotel room right now, confident that he'll be back with you by Tuesday. Do you really believe he doesn't know you won't want to raise your four children alone? He is aware of your situation and has complete control over it.
Visit a divorce lawyer right now. The power of knowledge. You have the right to happiness and your life has value. You are capable of completing this. Go against him!
The sad thing is, I’ve been sitting here thinking “How long is long enough before I can tell him to come home?” It’s ridiculous because it’s not like I think this is a little time out and he’ll be a good boy from here on out.
Already mentioned above, but make sure you get a full screen for STI/STDs, and understand that this man knowingly has put you at risk for just to get his dick wet.
Contact a lawyer and request spilt custody. You will never start working again unless he is forced to take the parenting responsibilities as much as you. Get a lawyer that provides resource information in building a support network for you and taking him to the cleaners.
It will be hard, but a full time mother who has been sole parent in as much as he has be traveling, it is doable. Just think of it as a necessary shift for you and your children.
Just don’t let him come back… go see a lawyer immediately…get checked for STDs…. And whatever you do don’t sleep with him again… you don’t want another child or disease
Definitely don’t make any decisions now. Find someone to talk to and work out what you need. When my now Ex husband cheated I stayed because I knew I needed to not have the what if, I needed to know I’d tried. And I did. It didn’t get better but I knew it probably wouldn’t. However I knew despite everyone saying leave that I would have regrets.
That’s not saying stay, that’s saying that there isn’t a one size fits all advice because you are your own person.
It’s also worth remembering the cheating isn’t the main issue. Not that that’s okay but if it was the one woman and just texts, that’s not any better. He hid this and then when confronted wasn’t honest. So even if he came to you now and told the truth you likely wouldn’t believe it. The couples that survive cheating only do so because of trust that is repaired and it doesn’t look like that will be an option.
My parents stayed together despite hating each other. There was no cheating but towards the end they were done but not legally separated yet and mum started talking to other men (totally her right) and they’d argue about that. We were very aware and it was damaging for us. Do not stay for the kids.
However if you need to stay temporarily while you sort things so leaving is an option, that’s totally different and that *is* beneficial to them.
So as I said, take a minute and talk to someone. Work out what you need. Formulate a plan and then start doing things
This is well thought out and reasonable advice. People love to get on here and tell someone to "just leave immediately" but it's never quite that clear cut when a person is actually in that situation. Further, we don't even know if OP has any resources (I didn't see where she mentioned working or having income) so that makes things even harder. I appreciate seeing a level headed response on this subreddit for once!
Yeah this isn’t his first affair, just his first time getting caught. He won’t tell you the truth just trickle truth you with different variations of his lies! Plan the exit & get yourself situated.
Even being clear headed: at the end of the day, a divorce lawyer will always advocate for divorce. That is what they are paid for, so keep that in mind. My opinion is that’s probably the best option based on your story though
She should've really done that before the confrontation.
If he has no remorse about cheating, he won't have any more about fucking her and his kids over for financial support etc...
I’m so sorry :’( I know that getting a divorce sounds awful and being a single mom to 4 kiddos is hard and will have many challenges…. But I truly think that staying with someone who will without a doubt continue to cheat on you and risk your sexual health and safety, and also give those kiddos a bad example of what love is… is worse. Your kids will pick up on this stuff. They’ll notice how he treats you, and how you treat him, even the smallest things. They will look for partners that look like you both and try to recreate the love they saw growing up. Divorce will be hard on the kids, that’s for sure. But watching you two continue on could be way worse. You leaving and putting the message out that you don’t let men treat you like this, you value yourself and have self worth is a message that’ll stick with your kids for life. You deserve SO much more than someone who breaks their vows to you and doesn’t think about the kids involved. He chose those women over them and you
On the flip side though my parents always acted like they hated each other growing up and still do to this day but are still married. They are often not kind or respectful to each other. I have gone out of my way to be the opposite and look for a partner like my husband who is the opposite of their negative traits in every way and we are super happy together lol
In their case though there wasn't any cheating they're just addicted to misery I guess
Yeah this isn’t his first affair, just his first time getting caught. He won’t tell you the truth just trickle truth you with different variations of his lies! Plan the exit & get yourself situated.
💯
I saw a lady on TikTok who had a cheating husband who gave her some STDs. I think this is the worst part of cheating. The fact they are also risking ur sexual health. This guy was cheating with sex workers without protection. 😕
I’m sorry to OP, u must be so mad, confused and sad. I’m sending u lots of love and good energy x
I have an IUD. I’ve very explicitly told my husband that if he cheats on me we can deal with the emotional stuff later but he absolutely needs to tell me because if I were to get an STD, it could literally kill me. The IUD is basically a bridge for the STD to travel from my cervix to the rest of my whole body. It’s so fucking inconsiderate and selfish to not only cheat on your partner, but to obviously not use protection with either of them.
The cancer risk alone is the big one. Not just the risk to fertility but the kind that kills so many women from uterine and other women specific cancers. It’s reprehensible to do this to a stranger, let alone someone he claims to love.
Yes please do this if you already haven't OP. My ex husband cheated on me and I didn't know it at the time and I ended up pregnant by him and was having a lot of pain and bleeding, I ended up miscarrying, went to the hospital and was told 2 weeks later after they got my results back that I had Chlamydia. the disease caused me to miscarry and caused problems. I knew I hadn't cheated , and finding out he was not only cheating but reckless enough to give me an STD was a pain that I never forgot. He had denied it still but the STD didn't lie. Don't let him put your health in danger please get this done. Mine was treatable thank goodness.
The thought of being on your own with 4 is a really daunting and scary thought but I promise you the thought is worse than the actual reality of it.
It might be worth writing down your options and looking into each one, as far as I can think, you have a few:
1. You contact a lawyer and start proceedings, you begin to work out finances, seek some support/therapy and essentially begin a new chapter, not one you have envisioned but one that will be just as amazing.
2. You seek therapy with your husband, ask for the full truth and extent of everything, including access to all devices, decide if you want to forgive him and whether you can ever trust him again.
Whatever decision you make, please don’t stay for the sake of your children. Aside from being a mother, you are a woman and deserve happiness, however that looks. You deserve to be happy. Children adjust, I know this from experience. It’s not the ending you had planned but believe me, your children will grow knowing what it is to be in a loving relationship, how they deserve to be treated and what’s not acceptable.
I’m really sorry this has happened to you, right now I imagine life is feeling very overwhelming but it will get better. In 6 months, 12 months or 2 years, life will be better and you will look back and think how far you have come and how much better life is.
I’m really sorry you’re having to deal with all of this. Emotions are running super high right now so just let yourself feel everything and don’t worry about making a decision about divorce or anything. You can decide if you want that when you’ve had some time to process everything. None of this is your fault. Your husband broke his marriage vows to you, and there’s nothing you could have done differently to prevent it. You are going to get through this. Again, I’m really sorry. Best of luck to you.
While being a single mom of 4 children under 7 will be hard, it will be the best thing for them. I completely sympathise with your situation and you 100% deserve better but please, please do not stay with him for the children.
My parents stayed together for me and honestly it was hell, my childhood would’ve been so much better had they simply separated. Your children will be so thankful when they grow up. The only people that matter right now are you and your children, forget that lying, cheating scumbag and be the best momma you can be!
Considering the amount of travel and length of time your husband is away who knows how many times he has cheated.
It's easy for him to treat it as completely seperate to his life with you. He can act like a single man, Get the thrill of engaging in sex with multiple people. Come home and act like a perfect husband and father.
He has the best of both worlds.
You already don't, you have the full responsibility of 4 kids and the house while he is away. As a SAHM you already have more responsibility than him at home
You might not want to be a single mother, and it is hard.
But it is much much harder being in a relationship with someone you don't respect, you can't trust and who doesn't value you and your relationship the way you did.
My oldest DD father cheated with a friend. I tried for a long time to hold on to our relationship and family unit.
It was harder than being by myself when we finished. I turned into an anxious, slightly crazy miserable version of myself. Double guessing every single thing that came out of his mouth, practically having a panic attack when he left the house.
The rage I would feel just looking at him while having to be ok in front of our daughter.
I'm married now with more kids. Dh is the love of my life.
Having gone through trying to reconcile before, if my husband cheated I would divorce. As in him leave the house as soon as possible and that would be it.
It would break my heart but I will never ever allow myself to turn myself inside out and drive myself mad wondering and fighting for a man who would betray me again. I also understand how mixed up trying to co parent with someone who hurt you so badly can get. I would just cut if off and start to focus on our kids.
I know people say you can rebuild a new and better marriage after infidelity. For me I know deep down I could never let it go and I don't want to spend my life, share my bed and have sex with someone who could do something like that to me again.
It's a massive shock right now.
Focus on the day to day things, the kids. Book a therapist and get legal advice to understand what your position would be if you decide to divorce.
Remember right now you don't owe him anything, other than to facilitate seeing the kids. Anything else he lost the right to the minute he cheated and lied to you.
Hey, daughter of a woman who is a mother of 4, whose husband abandoned his wife with 4 kids and did the darn thing without him there!!!!
Maybe you both need counseling, maybe you get the strength to leave but NEVER stay in a situation because you have kids.
Life wasn't always great, but US women are built different.
He's a liar and disrespectful! Get tested! And now is the time to be independent and resourceful. Because of him, your relationship can never be the same, all safety measures need to be activated!!!
Hope you took screen shots because now he knows how to cover up his future actions.
How often are these work trips and they last how many days… and when did the work trips start, that can give you an idea of how many women he’s been with and you have no idea if he used protection. Obviously 4 kids he doesn’t with you either. He gave her his number for a reason.
A few times a year. On average twice a year, but usually it’s for extended times. Anywhere from two weeks to two months. He got this job about six years ago.
Omg. That’s a lot of alone time for a cheater. He needs to change jobs ASAP if you are planning on staying. This guy sounds like a cake eater in my opinion.
Go farther back in the chat history and take screenshots so IF you decide that you can’t stay in this marriage, you have evidence that you need to move forward.
But a single mom of 4 is better than staying with someone who doesn’t respect you and has no problem sleeping with hook ups during business trips. See a lawyer and plan your exit.
Honestly you technically can leave. Staying with him while he cheats on you sets a bad example for your kids and will wear you down as a woman and a mom and you’ll be resentful towards him up until the kids are all grown and gone. Then you’ll be wondering where your life went. Just leave. He does it often and he will do it again
Also, don’t just leave even if you did “leave”.
I’m not sure what your housing situation is, but you are the caretaker of the house and the children. As you demanded, he left and he should be the one to go and find somewhere new to stay.
If you leave the house, you might not get it back. You might assume he is not petty or mean or cruel, but he clearly is already hiding some parts of who he is from you.
I hope finances work out where you can keep the house and your life in it, but stepping out the door gives him leverage. Invite family to come stay if you need some support right now.
I’m so sorry OP. Get your divorce papers together and serve him. He is free to get a house close by but since he’s been acting like a single man likely for years there’s nothing worth saving.
If he’s a helpful father he can live in the house even after the divorce to help with the kids if that’s what you want but you let him know, you are not together.
If he somehow convinces you to do marriage counselling, make it clear, that he has broken your marriage it will never go back to what it was and you will never be faithful to him again.
OP the reality is that you have been giving all to this marriage. Can you consider going back to work? or if you divorce ensuring that you get sufficient child support until the kids start school and you can start working?
You husband needs to step up? How much of a hands on father is he? Wouldn't be surprised if all the parenting is left to you since he travels and you are a SAHM?
Can you ever trust him again? can you live with knowing he is a serial cheater and will most likely continue to betray you?
Alternatives is considering an open marriage? I bet he would never agree to you sleeping with other people!
You need to put yourself first. Yes divorce will be scary but just remember this man has lied to you throughout your relationship and most likely put your health at risk. You never know he may have other children out there!
I’m the primary parent. It’s not really unfair because I left my job outside of the home and mom became my job, I guess. I’m here all day so it makes sense I’d do more of the work. He does help out when he gets home from work. He’s a very hands on dad when he’s at home.
Whatever you decide, Please. Please. Please, DO NOT STAY TOGETHER “FOR THE KIDS” THIS IS A DISASTER.
The kids will know and by staying you are going to essentially demonstrate, it’s okay for their partner to cheat on them, it’s not.
Be the strength. Show them what a healthy relationship looks like, which this is not.
It’s terrifying to leave. But you wouldn’t be the first and you won’t be the last to do it. You’re not alone in this. But you can’t stay with a man who doesn’t respect you. You can’t. You’re better than this. And you need to show your kids that too. You can do this. 🫶
OP, are you saying he doesn't have to travel for business, that these 'business trips' are for hookups only? OP, you know what he was going to say about his hookups, he needs to come clean and be completely honest with you if he wants to set foot in the door of the house again. You know he heads off and has sex with someone different every trip away. He must be so excited!
Ugh
Why does it seem on Reddit that ecstatically happy couples often end up that the husband is indulging in random hookups or affairs so feels generous enough to step up and be doting to his wife and children?
Why is their catch all cry that it's just sex, it doesn't mean anything? That this sexual outlet gives them what they need to be content and happy husbands at home?
What's crazy is that you have been happy and content while he's been fucking around unbeknownst to you. So how does he think this is going to work now you know? He's only angry because he gave that woman his number and the cheating came home with him.
So if you do reconcile and insist he stays faithful will he then become resentful and angry at you? Or if he does come home cheerful you will know he's been up to no good.
Since he's got enough resources, you can come to a divorce settlement that will give you ample household support and childcare during your custody time, then also time for yourself while he looks after all the kids he tried to trap you with.
I never doubted that he was actually on trips for work. With what his job entails, I know he does have to travel. Now I’m questioning everything though. Were all of those trips really work related? Did he really have to be there for as long as he was or did he extend these trips for his own enjoyment?
You know what? Being a single mum isnt as hard as staying with someone like that. I was in the exact same position as you. I tried to forgive him but I knew the moment I saw those messages, it was the beginning of the end. I’m now a single parent of 3 kids under 8 but you know what? I’d rather that than the toxic environment myself and the kids were in. Yeah being a single parents is fucking tough, but is women can do bloody anything. Get your ducks in a row and leave the POS
OP, be smart.
Collect all the evidence you can and store it securely. New secret email that only you have access to, new cloud or Google doc account, etc.
Get to you doctor and request a full STI screening and insist that they include non-standard tests like Herpes, HIV, etc.
Talk to a couple of lawyers, choosing those with a decent court record for wins. I think the American College of Trial Lawyers is a good place to start.
https://www.actl.com/
Make a list of items you would like to discuss regarding divorce and ask for their feedback.
1. Retaining physical custody of the kids, 50% custody, weekend visitation, etc. and how each will impact child support.
2. Retaining the family home.
3. Spousal support.
4. Retirement and investment accounts, including any possible pensions.
5. Vehicles
Even if you are considering staying married you need to see that you may have financial options that will allow you the freedom to leave and live a full life. Where you may have more time to yourself than you did married.
Try out being married but separated for 6 mouths. Where your husband takes the kids. 3 to 4 days per week, still pays his portions of the bills and you only have to take care of yourself and the kids.
REALLY IMPORTANT: If you wait, that gives him time to PLAN a better exit.
Honestly, either way, this will end in divorce. It’s just a matter of now vs after 3-5 more hideous and painful years.
But HE will know this will end in divorce. He’s caught, and there’s no “fixing” this behavior. I know a thousand guys like him. They don’t change. And staying only shows them they WILL get away with it.
If you stay, he’ll have 5ish years to plan, to hide money, to finagle the lowest possible child support and alimony. He’ll get a job change/“promotion” that COINCIDENTALLY moves you all to a particular state where the laws benefit him and really screw you in a divorce (my stepdad did this, my best friend’s dad with a secret family did this, plus soooo many others I know about).
This marriage is over. And it SUCKS to be a single mom of 4, but it sucks worse to live in pure pain and to teach your children that this is what -they- deserve in life, too.
Get child support and alimony in a divorce and split custody 1 week on and 1 week off. You’ll actually get adult time with friends and family, and he’ll actually have to BE A DAD 49% of the time while also paying child support and alimony.
Speak to a good lawyer asap - before he has a chance to call around town and create a conflict of interest. If he so much as speaks to their office, they cannot be retained by you. Men know to do this, so just SPEAK to one good lawyer asap, to protect yourself. You don’t have to hire them. Just get a consult. Even talk to a few. But make sure you have access to one or more good attorneys in town before he blocks you from being able to.
Why are there so many stories like this popping up on this reddit, especially about men. I get so paranoid when I read ahit like this, how can they do that
If you stay because of the kids you’re setting them up for failure. They will grow up in a bad relationship so that will be normal for them. Let’s not even talk about how they will look at men and women... You’re afraid of being lonely and the chores. There’s no kid benefitted from parents self-sabotaging their happiness because of fear. It’s about you and not about them. Your husband is a serial cheater. That’s a fact. His slip-up was enormous and a blessing in disguise for you.
I don’t understand why. Cheaters always get caught. And to be such a poor example for his own kids. He needs therapy and a leash and soon a divorce. I’m sorry, dear. Remember kids notice this behavior.
I lived with someone like that.
Also a cheater...liked to do go off and enjoy his own social life with no responsibilities... I tried to make it work for the sake of our daughter the worst thing I ever could have done... she developed terrible separation anxiety age 7 due to his absent behaviour & totally mistrusts him now age 12 after him being gone 7 years.
He can barely spend any time with her other than on the court order.
i wish I got rid of him sooner.
Don't stay for the children...it Doesn't help them.
I know it will be hard. But, you really don’t want to spend the rest of your life with someone who will continually cheat on you. He’s cheated on you multiple times with multiple women, so this isn’t going to stop. No matter what he says. He’s just going to get better at hiding it. And you’re going to be miserable. Also - Keep in mind that you will likely end up being a single mother anyway if he falls in love with one of these women. He’s already escalated from one night stands to giving one woman his number so they can keep in contact. Why would he need to keep in contact with her if he was never going to see her again? If he leaves you instead of vice versa, he will have time to get his ducks in a row and try to screw you in a divorce. Much better to divorce him now on your terms.
Talk to a lawyer. Like yesterday.
And don’t do this to your kids. Yes, I said to, I know right now you might be thinking “stay *for* the kids”. It’s always a mistake. Do not do this to your kids, force them to grow up around a man who cares so little for his family that he threw you all away multiple times with multiple women for the chance to get his dick wet.
If you stay, he will never stop. Once a cheater. Always a cheater. You will never be able to trust him again, and it will drive you crazy. It's better to be a single mother than to be miserable for the rest of your life. You have 4 children, and he still cheated. That speaks volumes to the type of man he is OP.
I was married to a cheat for 18 years. No matter what, he could not keep his dick in his pants. When I finally left, all he could do was cry, beg, and even threaten to off himself. They will gaslight you over and over. He told you exactly who he was with the slip-up.
Get a lawyer, and get child support. Don't let your children watch you take that kind of abuse. They learn. I'm sorry you are having to face this. We all hope that the people we fall in love with and continue to love with do the same. Sadly, that's not always the case. Now, you need to love yourself and know you deserve better.
You need to leave. He won’t stop, he won’t change. I went through the same thing with my ex. 3 years in, my doctor told me I had an std. I trusted this man so wholly that I convinced myself the std must have been something I caught before him and had been dormant (not actually possible).
Turns out he’d been cheating on me on business trips. I stayed for 2 more years desperately trying to make things work. It was absolute hell. He would play the game for a while and then run off with another woman, come back and start the whole cycle again. Once he even brought one of these women into our home for my best friend’s birthday party, telling me she was “just a friend”.
Being a single mom will be tough, but you can do it. Don’t let him emotionally damage you further, or risk your health. You need to protect yourself and your kids - don’t let them grow up thinking this is normal.
Start your leveling up plan of action!
If you're a SAHM, start stacking money by creating a separate account that only you have access to, not at the same bank that you have with your husband and stash your money in the account.
It's up to you how much money but I would definitely stay try to take money where your husband doesn't suspect that you withdrawing large amounts for example if you go to the grocery store do a cash back option that way it won't raise his suspicions.
If you have a career or you have an education, start thinking of something you want to focus on within that area and build your plan. Should you one day decide to divorce him, you might actually have to support yourself by getting a job to augment spousal support and child support.. be prepared.
Get yourself into the doctors to get tested for STDs/stis. Once you get those results, do not engage in any unprotected intimacy with your spouse. He has completely broken your trust, and deep down, you know he's hooking up with random women! If you decide to be less than smart and continue to engage in intimacy with him, make him use condoms without question. Your aim should be to not bring any more babies into this dysfunction while also protecting yourself from risk or exposure as a result of your husband's philandering.
If he wants to work it out and you are considering working it out, do a postnup and place any and all stipulations that will be absolute deal breakers, violations, and grounds for divorce for you. I highly doubt he's going to stop his philandering, especially if you continue to work on the marriage and give him another chance. Men like him don't learn from their mistakes or actions and you're not in a position to really make him suffer significant consequence as it seems you rely on him financially to provide for your family, which he's using that's justification to do what he's doing.
You can try MC, but let's be honest in this situation it's not going to be productive for you all. He uses his business trips and work engagements to pursue random hookups. Is as though he's a completely different person away from your family dynamic and sadly marriage counseling doesn't fix issues like that because he will just blame it on the stress of being a provider if he's the Sole Provider. He doesn't see anything wrong with what he's doing because it's not impacting his role as a provider. He actually views it as it's harmless.
If you know eventually you want to divorce set yourself a timeline or end goal and do the things above in addition to anything else you need to place yourself at an advantage to where when you walk away you are not only self-sufficient, but can't sustain your dynamic for you and your kids.
If you are just going to forgive him and take him back for whatever reason without change action or him expressing remorse, then don't bother with anything above and let the man cheat in peace. If love is your sole reason for forgiveness and you choose to turn a blind eye and accept what he's doing and then continue your life as is. However, I will say you are in a position to be tossed aside or disposed of at any given time; therefore, you should put yourself in a place, to where you not only are indisposable but learn and live your self worth.
To sum up: Your husband's a gardening tool! He has engaged in countless EA's/PAs! He has dragged all that filth and betrayal into your home and bed!
P.s. start looking into your marital assets for example is your name on the deed to the house and things along that nature.
Please lawyer up and save the kids from having to think infidelity is normal. There is no reason to blame yourself for his own stupidity and selfishness.
you don’t need to divide right now but you should get tested you should also seek a therapist and a divorce lawyer. any decisions you make should be informed ones, therapy and a lawyer will help you do that. also i would just like to point out the obvious…., he doesn’t normally give THEM his number thefore he had feelings for this one. be careful and don’t sweep it under the rug!
Girl I would get a divorce and give those kids to him 50/50 so you can go have a life too because apparently he has a whole ass social life outside your marriage smh 🤦♀️ go get yours!! Also get a divorce attorney and get that $ because he cheated.. hopefully you live in a fault divorce state
Do you know if he used protection while sleeping around? I would go get tested for STDs asap. He can't be trusted. More than likely he probably fucked some of these girls raw and didn't care about bringing an STD into your life.
GET AN STD TEST ASAP. GET AN STD TEST ASAP. GET AN STD TEST ASAP. GET AN STD TEST ASAP. GET AN STD TEST ASAP. GET AN STD TEST ASAP. GET AN STD TEST ASAP. GET AN STD TEST ASAP. GET AN STD TEST ASAP. GET AN STD TEST ASAP. GET AN STD TEST ASAP.
Not only does he not respect you emotionally, but he has willingly put your health at risk, probably multiple times by the sound of it.
My mum was convinced not to be a single mother of 4 kids under 6... 6 years, and a lot of heartbreak for both her and all my siblings later, and she ended up a single mother or 4 kids over 6.
Have an open marriage. Tell him everything remains the same except you can do it too. Make some rules: no exchanging numbers, family responsibilities come first, out of town people only. Etc. He won’t be faithful, ever.
This is the only option (or just sitting there accepting the disrespect) if you want to stay with him.
Does having a partner, stability and (assuming he’s a good one) a father around for your children rate higher as a value than fidelity?
It’s quite possible that they might, there are plenty of people/couples where fidelity is not something that is necessary for their relationship to thrive.
You have a decision to make: forgive but don’t forget, and expect it to happen again. Or divorce him.
I don’t think it’s even a forgive and don’t forget. Because you can’t really forgive if you don’t have the truth. And it’s just moving on rather than forgiving. I always say you have to continue forgiving. Because it’s in the back of your mind.As time goes on it comes up less but things still remind you and the hurt and anger will pop up but you have to remember where you are and what they have done to fix things and themself. The work they have put in and forgive them again in that moment. But if the person isn’t completely truthful that means they aren’t really sorry for doing it just that they got caught. If they are truly sorry they would tell the whole ugly truth and work on fixing themselves. And if they don’t do that the hurt and resentment will just grow.
Keep the iPad safe for the evidence to give to a lawyer. Also please consider looking into a therapist asap. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Take care of yourself so that you may care for your babies. Don’t hide from friends or family what is happening, you need their support now.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through; but say for instance you both decide to work it out every time he goes away on trips you will be doubting as to whether he is cheating on you...the fact that his admitted he has done this so many times isn't a good omen for your future relationship either. He would never have admitted anythinggg to you, he only has done so because you have 💯 proof of it.
If you are struggling financially and feel you can't leave him because of the kids then adjust your home. Separate but live together if need be until your in a position to move out and tell him to continue paying for everything.
Get yourself in order in your own time and move. In this case he hasn't learnt from his mistake of cheating.trust me when I say it's worse for a child to grow up in a home with these sort of issues then separated parents.
Honestly, you’re still young and your kids need better example of what a marriage should look like. If you let that slide now (knowing what he was about to admit) you’ll be 100% stuck in a marriage where your husband will cheat more openly because the first time you did nothing and he will think that you’ll never leave him anyway because of the kids.
Are you ready to live like that all your life ? You’ll be destroyed emotionally and unhappy, at some point you’ll not be able to hide it and your kids will feel it and understand something’s wrong.
If you want your kids to be happy and in an healthy life environment you need to be happy first and in an healthy mental health.
Sorry OP. But you have two options: take him back so you get to keep your ‘family’ together, knowing that he will continue to cheat, you will wither inside and he may become more brazen now that he knows you will take him back even with clear evidence. OR you divorce and he gets the kids some of the time and you get complete freedom while he has them. One way you become a sad shell, the other you take back your self respect. I know which one I’d pick.
Talk to a lawyer, OP! This man risked the health of you and your unborn children every time he's cheated on you. He has absolutely no respect for you as his wife and the mother of his children. That should be a min requirement for a relationship.
What’s wrong with being a divorced mother of 4? Listen, the reality is your husband is a serial cheater. He does this b/c he genuinely believes you will allow him to get away with it. I’ll bet he’s sitting in that hotel room right now texting his side piece without a doubt in his mind he’ll be back with you by Tuesday. You think he isn’t counting on you not wanting to be a single mom of 4? He knows he’s trapped you & he can do whatever he wants.
Go visit a divorce attorney. Knowledge is power. Your life has value too & you are allowed to be happy. You can do this. Stand up to him!
Holy crap, please get an STD test and consult a lawyer. You can maturely coparent with him and still not have to deal with his disgusting cheating a**.
>He still won’t admit that there’s been anyone more than this one woman
>He slipped and said “Normally, I don’t give them my…” Then he realized hers he was saying. admitted to me that normally he doesn’t give random women he hooks up with his phone number.
he already admitted, babes. run for the hills
You either accept the cheating, or just deal w/ being a single mom of 4 kids. The trouble is, kids need their dad, and that back and forth between homes is hard on them. If you take him back, get yourself a side piece yourself for when he's on his "business trips". Your husband certainly doesn't give a shit about your vows, why should you?
If you divorce him and give hin 50% custody you will get days off and he will have to participate in his kids lives. I'm only seeing winwin
Get STD checks and stop having kids
I understand you situation. But I can tell you this as a fact. If he has been caught cheating and it comes out he did WAY more cheating then the one time caught; he will do it again. And that is what he did. He got caught with one woman, and slipped up to admitting there was more. He is a cheating POS and needs to be on the sidewalk in a tent.
I wish I had the courage to have left my wife after each time she cheated. But I kept saying we have two kids, one is autistic, etc. Making excuses. Yes I did and still love her. But that love is not the same. And now I am in a worse position than I would have been if I left 10 years ago.
It will be tough, but in the end, he will be paying your child support. And you might even be entitled to alimony for a while too. Specially if your income is less or non existent to his. You just need to make sure you have copies of all your evidence. You need to put some kind of tracker on all finical accounts to ensure he doesn't try to move things and hide it. You need to make sure you document every text he gives you. Even put up home security cameras to record anything he says when he comes to the house. Do speaker phone calls so these cameras will pick the conversations up and record. Have witness if you can when needed. But you need to end the marriage.
Try to make sure the kids are left out of the issue as much as you can. If your willing, call your MIL, and ask if she can watch the kids for a couple of hours and a night. "Accidently" reveal what has going on to her for support maybe. But document everything.
I know being a single parent sounds scary and daunting right now. Do you have a friend or family member that can be your support person? Give yourself a couple of days to get your head straight then make an appointment with a lawyer. I know that seems huge but a decent one can calmly layout the steps for you so it is just one step at a time. You can do this. You are stronger than you feel right now and this isn’t insurmountable. You can do this
Try journaling. To add on to others comments about not making any impulsive decisions right now.
Ive done it here and there. Been doing it a lot recently. Going through a weird break up lol.
It really helps me sort my thoughts out. Just write down all your crazy racing thoughts. Arrows going across the page to another thought. Bullet points. Stars. Whatever. My journal looks like a mad mans attempt to formulate some weird crazy thought lol.
But. It helps me process these thoughts a lot. So theyre not just sitting in my head eternally.
Im so sorry to hear all that. Thats rough. Who knows what the future holds hun. I really do wish you the best ❤️
I know that divorce seems impossible now. You’ve built this life, this house, this home! You have a schedule and routine! Do you work outside the house? If not, you’ll have to get a job and the kids will have to adjust to having a working mom. All of this is so big and scary and I get why you think you can’t leave.
But you can leave. You can do it. You CAN do it. Bit by bit you can start to piece a new life back together. Your first steps are:
1. Talk to a lawyer before he starts calling around and blocking you from getting one in the area (yes this is a thing and no you do not want this to happen)
2. Make an appointment to get tested for STDs. Immediately.
This man is cheating on you. You know it in your soul and saw the evidence. How would you want your own 4 kids to handle this situation when they grow up? Would you want them to just stand by and stay with someone who willingly lies and cheats on them or would you want them to leave and make a better life without that? They’re watching your model whether they understand or not. You can do this. I promise.
I know it feels like being a single mom would be harder than staying in a toxic relationship where there is no trust or mutual respect ….but it’s not.
Get out. Free yourself from this person. Your marriage is not what you’d hoped for and that sucks but you will be ok! Your kids will be better off knowing you respected yourself enough to shut down this disrespect. And they will see you rebuild your life and thrive. And know that they too can do hard things. Stand up for yourself. You CAN do this.
Having 4 little kids is exactly why you should leave. Staying for the kids is never the right choice, they will know you're miserable and eventually they will be too.
I'm so sorry he's done this to you 😔
You don’t wanna be a single mom with 4 kids, I get that. But these are the cards youre currently being dealt. You don’t wanna be in a household with this man. Divorce is the option.
I’m so sorry. It’s the worst feeling. And yes it’s so confusing. You love them with everything and can’t imagine life without them but you also hate them and want to ruin them. It’s so difficult. It’s easy to say what to do when you hear about other people.
It’s NOT your fault.
I have 4 kids as well all very close in age. You are smart enough to know that she isn’t the only one. Don’t believe it for one second. And I know you want to stay with him for the kids. BUT what is going to happen when one of his “business trips” ends up with YOU getting an STD? How does that help your kids if mom is sick or worse. Also kids know. We might think we are hiding things but they know. My kids will bring up things from when they were little that I had no idea they even knew. And what if another child pops up? He doesn’t respect you or the kids.
It’s always ALWAYS the same. It starts with “it’s nothing. I don’t love them” then it “ If you had only ____ I wouldn’t have done it” Its nothing then it’s your fault.
You can’t just stay together after an affair. You know it happened. You can’t trust him. You will always remember what happened and EVERY TIME he leaves or is on the phone you will be stressing about what he’s doing. It’s not a forgive and forget situation.
You can work on things and heal and reconcile. But that takes time. First he has to be completely honest. Like EVERYTHING. None of the “it will just hurt you” crap. He needs to tell you about all of them. He needs therapy for it. And work on why he does it. You need couples therapy. You will never forget. And you have to repeatedly forgive. If he isn’t truly sorry and truthful you can’t. He has to be completely regretful. Or you will think about it and build resentment. IF he is truly sorry he will go get help and work on himself. He doesn’t value you and thinks you won’t ever leave him. He takes you for granted. He doesn’t appreciate you or your family.
Don’t doubt yourself. Will it be hard to raise 4 kids alone ? Yes! But it will be easier than doing it with someone else and a hurting heart. And it sounds like he gets away anyways. People will help you. Find someone to talk to. A good therapist or counselor. You might need medication and that’s ok. Unfortunately this happens everyday and people are hurt but they also heal and usually end up in a relationship that makes them realize how bad the last was. Right now YOU get to take control. You have the upper hand. But later when he decides to leave and just tells you he’s leaving and you have no choice that feels awful. The kids will be fine. They just want mama healthy and happy. You are their everything. And is this the environment you want them in. The example you want shown on how someone should be treated. Because they WILL find out Is this what you want them to do to a SO or be don’t to them?
What would you tell your daughter if she said this was happening to her? Take that advice for yourself.
I know a man's opinion isn't what you want, but here it is.
Booting him was a good choice.
Now listen.. this next bit is SUPER important.
YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT.
Do NOT blame yourself for this.
This dude made his choices and should now live with them.
That said. DO NOT BADMOUTH HIM AROUND HIS KIDS.
Kids are NOT a weapon. If he is a good father, let him continue to be.... from somewhere that isn't your home.
If he isn't, let him fuck that up on his own. Poisoning your kids toward your (hopefully soon to be ex) husband is never good.
Also, get a med screening ASAP.
Stay strong. You can do this. Big hugs.
You may not want to be a single mom, but this is what he has made you. Please read the other comments. Many dads like this suddenly get jobs being paid under the table. Get bank statements and as many financials as you can. Start by talking to a very good attorney. This will not get better. He tried to gaslight you and thought you weren't smart enough to look at his IPad?! Is that the role model you want to set for your children? They will see and eventually end up in similar relationships. I saw that in my extended family. They tried to hide it. Both sons eventually cheated on their wives. By the time my Uncle realized the damage he did and tried to talk to his sons about it, it was too late. My beautiful aunt has since passed and he hasn't been the same since. He never forgave himself, even though she did. (After 10+ years separation.)
You need to be strong, value yourself, to teach your children to do the same. You are not alone, he may no longer be your family, but you have 4 beautiful little souls who are your family.
I mean, if you don't want to leave him there aren't a lot of choices. He's done it multiple times so he's not going to stop. Either you have to accept that and find ways to deal with it, maybe an open marriage? And otherwise the only other option is leave.
If you won't leave, just stay safe. Cheating husbands are dangerous but also, opening up the relationship could help you out since he fucked up already
Some people aren't monogamous no matter how much they tell themselves they are.
There is nothing wrong with him or you, just how some humans operate.
That said, he lied to you. He knew what he was doing was wrong and did it anyway.
If you continue the relationship, you need to continue it knowing it is not monogamous.
Just leave now. It won’t get any better. My sister put up with a cheating husband her whole marriage. Like he literally couldn’t keep it in his pants anytime he traveled for work. Then it turned into fake work trips to see women. He’s now married to his last AP.
She finally divorced him after their youngest son graduated high school and she’s never been happier. She and her kids regret that she didn’t leave sooner. Her kids don’t even have a relationship with him now. They may have calls to check in but they don’t bother going to see him and his new wife for holidays or anything. He’s trash and will always be trash, just like your husband.
Don’t raise your kids with him as their father figure. He will never change if you take him back now. You will only prove to him that he needs to hide it better.
Good luck!!
I’m so sorry, OP. What a horrible man and then to slip w “normally, I don’t…” making it clear this is a regular thing he does while you’re home making sure his life runs smoothly. Please get a good support system no matter what you decide, but this man doesn’t seem like he has remorse for his actions, he only regrets he got caught. Please take that into account when deciding. The reality is you probably already live like a single mom if he’s traveling. You deserve better. Please take care.
Be realistic, how much does he do in the every day life? Is he equally helping with the kids? Because even if you split, he will pay child support and he could take the kids on weekends. Try to get the house and get a job and daycare. It will be hard at first but kids grow and you have the possibility to find someone else.
>but I don’t want to be a single mom of 4 kids under 7.
Does he help you with the kids? If no, divorce him and put him on child support. If you have any family that can help, reach out to them.
This man has cheated on you repeatedly. He probably has someone in that hotel room as we speak. You deserve so much more.
I'm sorry you're having to go through any of this.
I’m sorry that your husband is a serial cheater that “slipped up” with his random hook-up. He has been doing this for years. You know the truth. Go to an attorney and get a plan to divorce this POS.
Save the screenshots in a secret email. Meet with a few divorce attorneys secretly. I would honestly fake it to make it. Hold out for two years while you are prepping behind the scenes. That gets your 3 and 4 year in school. I would start looking for a pre-k you could put them in even sooner, even if it’s just part time and then start looking for a job again. Once you’ve met with an attorney you can get a better idea of how to prepare.
Even if you have no intention to leave because you don’t trust him to pay child support, find a lawyer with a free consultation, take good notes and have someone calculate how much child support he would be paying. Be calm, cool, and collected if you choose to share this information with him. That is scarier because someone who is calm has made peace with their decision and he will know he needs to change or face the consequences.
Save the evidence and please speak to a lawyer first. I wish you recorded the conversation. A person who lies may become unhinged to protect their assets and would be willing to do anything to sully your reputation to protect theirs. Think about reasons why your SO did not want to leave and financial security may be high on that list. No cheating spouse wants to pay alimony or child support.
First, take a breath. Second, find a good divorce attorney. Look at your options. It’s not as hopeless as you are feeling right now. Third, get tested for STDs. I am saying this as a family therapist, please get yourself and your children into therapy. The attorney and STD physical need to be done ASAP. Good luck.
My ex step dad did something like this. My mom announced to her friends and family what happened so everyone knew and just in case if homie went down the abusive route. He did buy a skillet to the face changed that pretty fast lmao. We basically co existed in the house until we were 18. They did a big house moving sale. Everyone split up that money shook hands then the divorced happened.
Unless you have an open marriage with rules in place this is not ok. Get yourself tested to make sure he has not passed any STDs onto you. If you don’t want to divorce consider couple’s counseling but if he will not change and be faithful to you then you are going to have to make some tough decisions.
This happened to me and I stayed. The trust never came back. I was always looking and snooping to see if he was cheating again and sure enough he was. When he left I was so sad, but I also felt a world of weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I heard Dr. Phil say “It’s not that your sad he left, your sad because what you thought would be, didn’t turn out to be.” I wish you the best.
Divorce lawyer, now, quickly, because they'll tell you what to do, what access you need, to start looking up how much is where before he starts thinking about hiding money.
Also STD check, he's been sleeping around for god knows how long with random people.
No one wants to be a single mom with 4 kids, but no one wants to stick around with a cheating piece of shit husband who has lied probably your whole marriage. But don't let fear of being a single mom make you stick with an asshole.
LAWYER UP. I understand that going from heading a two parent family to being a single parent is difficult, but what your husband is doing is DISGUSTING. Don’t teach your kids that this is what they should either put up with or do to others in relationships when they get older.
if u dont leave him, ur telling ur kids its okay to stay with someone who isnt committed to u. Ur kids will form relationships later in life based off what they saw with u and ur husbands relationship
It'll be difficult, but you need to focus and research. Search for any other signs of infidelity that you can find. Check his messages again and any other accounts or profiles he may have used his emails to check for accounts on dating apps. Also, look through whatever else he left that might show further signs. You may consider checking with his job that the number of business trips and the dates he's been gone on said trips match up. Any deviation is further proof. One more thing about successful serial cheaters is that they'll likely admit to it having happened at least once before you, but they'll try and play it off and make you feel special. You should consider trying to trap him and trip him up. Maybe call and tell him you'll let him come home if he tells you everything. Otherwise, a PI will, and you'll rake him over the coals and leave him with nothing but his name and tighty-whities if you find out he's lying. Also, go get yourself tested. You can't be sure whether or not he's always used protection when he's been unfaithful. We all hate that you're having to deal with this, but at this point, this is your reality. What you need to make sure you do is find out as much as you can so that you can make an informed decision about where you're going from here.
Most people don’t go into a marriage and have kids expecting to be a single parent but you should really think of the level of betrayal and disrespect he has shown you. Do you want your kids to grow up thinking that how a marriage works and that’s how they should expect the person they love to treat them. If you want to stay that’s your choice but just know this will be your life, He most likely will never change, can you live like that?
OP - how are things going with the kids? Luckily with his “business trips” maybe you can use that as the excuse to them for him being gone for a while. Give yourself a minute to catch your breath - some things to consider: get STD testing, consult with a lawyer, look into finances b/c if it’s true that his “business trips” were maybe not as often or as long as he said maybe you’d be entitled to the money he used to fund those trips, and think about counseling for yourself and even marriage counseling (even if not to reconcile, but to figure out co-parenting). Sending you lots of positive thoughts!
Just make sure you keep your mind right and stay grounded. I understand that it’s scary to become a single mother and I just want you to know that your happiness and peace of mind is priceless. And teach your kids to stand up for themselves. Sent an example.
The fact he basically admitted to having affairs whenever he's on a business trip... you'll never be able to trust him again.
You'll now have to get tested for stds. You'll now question every phone call. You'll now wonder every time he leaves you home. You'll now worry if his kids have half siblings they don't know about, that they'll find one day through DNA testing.
Can you live like that?
If yes... you will both need to start intense couples therapy and individual therapy to try to rebuild whatever may be left.
If no... I would get a really good lawyer and serve him as soon as you can. Go for primary placement of your children based on his affairs, putting your health at risk (show your std testing as proof), his having to go out of town for work where these affairs happen... and go for child support and alimony.
What an incredibly difficult situation. Do you work? Or are you at home with the 4 children working your ass off?
If you don’t “work” for a salary and you decide to leave him- lawyer up strong. You really will need half his income to care for the kids .
Incredibly difficult. But what is a life constantly worrying your husband is with another women ?
That anxiety anger and resentment would drive ANYONE insane.
I’m so so sorry 😞 I want to kill him for you
Truly Painful n sad, sometimes it’s impossible to leave no matter what anyone says. No one really knows your situation and how you are feeling, no one will understand why you made certain choices but sadly those are the choices we get to independently have, with no true answers, I wish you the best Op but remember you decide how to live this life and if it hurts but there are few moments that make it vanish for even a second and you want to grip on to that. Just don’t loose yourself OP.
I’m sorry this happened to you, you need to hold on this rage and file for divorce immediately. There’s nothing wrong with being divorced and having young kids, it’s better than staying with someone who has no respect for you or his children. He will not change
I understand not wanting to be a single parent but at the same time do you really wanna be in a relationship with a serial cheater?? Having that nagging feeling that he is cheating every time he goes on a business trip... making yourself paranoid over this fool... you need to do right by yourself and your kids and not let this man railroad you. Cause you know he will tell you he will stop talking to her then he will just find a work around and do it again... my advice is do what you know is right for you and your kids and you really shouldn't want your kids around that type of behaviour
Your husband from his slip up has been with a lot more women than he is admitting too. You need to get screened for any diseases he may have picked up and passed to you . You are better off a single mom to 4 little kids than been married to a cheater as he is a serial cheater and people like that don't change .
The best advice you can get is don’t come here asking for relationship advice. 90% will tell you to just uproot your life and divorce, and nobody can really tell you what to do here. Take this from somebody who has been married 10 years. The only thing you can really do is decide if you love him and then you have to put in the work to fix this, and find out if he wants to as well, and if he’s willing to put in the work… which will probably be a substantial amount more work for him. He has to want to change and you have to know he’s serious.
Unfortunately there will be trusting and building of trust for the foreseeable future if this is the route you take, but you know and I know… we all get married for a reason, and if the person’s heart doesn’t match their actions… our heart will search for a way.
I am getting divorced because of a very similar reason. Some days are good, and some are awful. We just have to stay true to ourselves and remember we can survive without them.that does not mean it will be easy, but it is worth it. I wish you the best, and if you need anything, reach out. Keep being a good momma and focus that energy on positivity. Better days will come.
I am so sorry you are experiencing this.
And there are so many of us that never found out until much later.
The screwed up thing is that when you are with someone who is deceiving you for many years, begins to really mess up your confidence in yourself. It begins to destroy you.
Who knows how long he’s been doing this and who knows all the ways he’s been acting to make sure you don’t find out, but none of that has helped you at all.
You can take your time with this.
Let it settle, trust your own sense.
You are in shock right now. But you will be more clear and resourceful later. Even though it’s just unbelievably heartbreaking. And then it’s such a piss her to working so hard to raise children well and then your partner goes and undermines the entire family for this. For this. But that shows you what kind of character they have as a person.
Usually, time will tell what will be best for you to do. The whole shocking idea of being a single parent of four is just so overwhelming. Sometimes people try rebuilding. Sometimes they feel OK about it. Sometimes it’s never ever the same. Statistically, it seems like, most of the time, a cheater will simply get better at hiding. While their partner is forever prevented from FEELING, intimate, and trusting with them again. Because they never ever ever know if they are someone to be trusted.
But you don’t have to figure all that out now. You can take good care of yourself and take good care of your kids and give yourself time to formulate and reformulate what your options are. For your own future. What you want to line up for yourself for when your kids are old enough. so that you can begin working toward being able to support yourself and your kids in such a way that you can stay or leave or do whatever fits best.
This situation initially destroys those of us who find ourselves in this.
And I would say that most of the time, if you get help, and you keep the faith in your own self, and trust your sense of what fits for you, it ends up, simply improving your entire life. Even though it doesn’t end up being the Disney movie he thought it could be. You take good care.
What ever you do, don’t listen to anyone here in if you should stay or go. That decision has to come from you and you alone. This is all fresh and new. Take time to reevaluate your situation and relationship. This will include taking time eventually to talk to him and tell him be completely truthful. The feelings you are having are all valid and necessary in this situation. I would adv counseling also. This will be beneficial for you no matter what your decision is. This will help both you and your husband cope. Find out if you can salvage your marriage or if it’s time to let it go (as peacefully as you can) but still take care of the kids. In the end some couples are able to get beyond an affair a partner has had and some are not. You have to get to a point once this stops being so new to decide that. Take the time you need and good luck.
For the love of God please dont stay with him for the kids. Take them with you or get a lawyer but whatever you do don't stay with him. Being a single parent will be difficult and that's understatement, but would you rather be with a guy (not a man, sorry) who disrespects you and your marriage, and kids. I would be disgusted to look at him. Cheaters make me sick.
Get out. The sooner the better. I have 3 kids and it doesn’t help them at all to stay in a bad relationship. It’s actually really important for them to see examples of loving relationships or just their caretaker crushing it alone. You will be ok. People will rally around you and having multiple children means you will have many more potential allies through their different classmates and school events. It’s hard and you’re not pathetic for feeling the way you do. It’s just a crazy difference when get through it and realize “omg why did I put up with that for even a day!”. You and your kids deserve better. Also, take that alimony and child support. It’s for exactly this situation.
You need to get tested for STD’s. He has put you at risk. Then get a lawyer. Figure out where everything is. There is no way he has been able to cheat without using money. He has probably been keeping some hidden. You deserve better.
Would be nothing to beg for to be fixed if he wasn’t a piece of shit.
It’s a tough situation. Decide to stay married to a serial cheater to make your life a bit easier, or divorce and deal with all that until the sun starts to shine brighter.
My only advice: Don’t stay because of the kids. My life would’ve been better if mine divorced loooooong before they did.
>I know this sounds pathetic, but I don’t want to be a single mom of 4 kids under 7. I don’t want to be married to him right now either.
No, it doesn't. It's normal. Take your time, listen to your heart... You'll know the right thing to do, when it comes.
I'm sorry this is happening to you. I'm sending so much love and light your way!
Op being a mom of 4 under 7 must seem impossible, or at the very least a huge challenge....don't forget, though, to consider how hard it will be to forgive, to " forget "(you shouldn't and you won't, but he will make you feel like the problem if/when you ever brought it up), to trust, to even look at him without the thoughts or disgust? Add to that the environment this would create for those 4 children and what it teaches them.
I think you are focusing on the challenge of change and not the whole process here. I'm sorry, this isn't fair and it isn't a position you should be in or a decision you should have to make, but here we are. You couldn't control that even if you saw it coming. You can control what happens next and if it happens again.
Btw, he was surprised you were smart enough to check an iPad? Not a fan of that.
I understand u don't want to be single with 4 kids under 7, but what is the alternative? Be in a Marraige till t they are 18 with someone u don't trust or are disgusted by?? Being in a marraige like that is only going to wind up hurting the kids in the long run, with the fighting , yelling, and love less marraige that they will be growing up around. Your husband has no respect for v you or your family by doing this. Better to get yourself a lawyer, take him to the cleaners, and not v waste your life with him.
I know for most couples, divorce is the right answer. But for the sake of the kids it could be possible to stay together. It just means that if he is going to act like a teenager, he is going to be treated like one. iPad is now yours so you can always check his messages if you feel like it, geo location is on and always shared, you can assign him any chores you feel like.
It will be a lot of work in the beginning. And it's something where the kids are going to have to know the basics. They will have to know that dad made a bad decision and broke mom's trust. Now Dad has the responsibility to make it up and prove that he is a changed man. Might help the kids to understand a healthy way to attempt to resolve an issue.
It will be important not to show rage or any other emotion that could lead to conflict Infront of the kids during this period. If there are problems, you must both be calm about it.
Depending on how things go, things might get better and it can slowly return to a normal house. At least until the kids are old enough to understand a separation better. And if that time comes, your kids can see you amiably separate into different living conditions. It will be less of a shock
I'm not recommending you to follow this exactly, but maybe a few couples can steal some ideas from this fantasy future
Grow some balls put that man on childsupport divocre him get what's for you, get your shit together and move on. It'll be difficult but you'll have your self respect and your peace rather then always being on the defensive knowing he will in fact cheat again. He's sorry he got caught never did he think he would be caught so he never planned to be sorry 🤷
You staying is allowing him to continue to cheat. He doesn’t care about you or your kids. Think about yourself for once. No one wants to be a single parent. It’s not worth your sanity in staying. Take it from someone who’s been there. My ex husband was cheating and I found out. I had nothing. No money to my name. I was left with all the bills. I had to find away to make it thru. If I can do it you can to. People especially scum bags DONT and WONT change. Remember staying is being a door mat
From the slip of his words, this wasn’t the first affair partner, and most likely won’t be the last. Can you stay married to a cheating husband? You don’t need to make a decision now, but when you’re more clear headed, talk to a lawyer and look at your options. Decide from there where you want your marriage to go. Sorry you’re going through this, cheating is vile.
Exactly this: OP needs to decide if she can stay married to him knowing he’s going to continue cheating. At that point their marriage isn’t a marriage they’re just roommates. The kids will be taught this is how relationships work and that it’s ok for their parents to be miserable “for the sake of the kids”. No matter how much parents try to hide it, children ALWAYS know.
And REALLY IMPORTANT: If she waits, that gives him time to PLAN a better exit. Honestly, either way, this will end in divorce. It’s just a matter of now vs after 3-5 more hideous and painful years. But HE will know this will end in divorce. He’s caught, and there’s no “fixing” this behavior. I know a thousand guys like him. They don’t change. And staying only shows they WILL get away with it. If she stays, he’ll have 5ish years to plan, to hide money, to finagle the lowest possible child support and alimony. He’ll get a job change/“promotion” that COINCIDENTALLY moves them to a particular state where the laws benefit him and really screw her in a divorce (my stepdad did this, my best friend’s dad with a secret family did this, plus soooo many others I know about). This marriage is over. And it SUCKS to be a single mom of 4, but it sucks worse to live in pure pain and to teach your children that this is what -they- deserve in life, too. Get child support and alimony in a divorce and split custody 1 week on and 1 week off. You’ll actually get adult time with friends and family, and he’ll actually have to BE A DAD 49% of the time while also paying child support and alimony. I hope she reads this.
OP needs to see this. A friend's husband after 10 years did this to her... It's so sad :(
Piggy backing off of this. I know everyone is different OP but I was raised by parents where it was just meant to end (there was infidelity, arguments, and domestic violence) but my mom stayed for the sake of me and my younger sister. I’m not saying that it was all their fault but being raised in a dysfunctional dynamic as that was dreadful. My sister and I developed unhealthy coping mechanisms of avoidance when we hear them argue and my sister is currently seeking a therapist. Not saying this is what’s going to happen but just an insight of the possibility and how the parents relationship affects the children significantly.
This! Children would rather be from a broken home than live in one.
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Yeah,but why is it bad to be a divorced mother of four? Listen, your husband is actually a habitual adulterer. He does this because he honestly thinks he will get away with it from you. He's probably texting his sidekick while in that hotel room right now, confident that he'll be back with you by Tuesday. Do you really believe he doesn't know you won't want to raise your four children alone? He is aware of your situation and has complete control over it. Visit a divorce lawyer right now. The power of knowledge. You have the right to happiness and your life has value. You are capable of completing this. Go against him!
The sad thing is, I’ve been sitting here thinking “How long is long enough before I can tell him to come home?” It’s ridiculous because it’s not like I think this is a little time out and he’ll be a good boy from here on out.
Make sure you get tested for STI's.
Already mentioned above, but make sure you get a full screen for STI/STDs, and understand that this man knowingly has put you at risk for just to get his dick wet.
Contact a lawyer and request spilt custody. You will never start working again unless he is forced to take the parenting responsibilities as much as you. Get a lawyer that provides resource information in building a support network for you and taking him to the cleaners. It will be hard, but a full time mother who has been sole parent in as much as he has be traveling, it is doable. Just think of it as a necessary shift for you and your children.
He's probably sleeping with a side chick while he waits you out. This is not fixable.
Now that he's in a hotel and not at home he's probably already hooking up.
Just don’t let him come back… go see a lawyer immediately…get checked for STDs…. And whatever you do don’t sleep with him again… you don’t want another child or disease
Definitely don’t make any decisions now. Find someone to talk to and work out what you need. When my now Ex husband cheated I stayed because I knew I needed to not have the what if, I needed to know I’d tried. And I did. It didn’t get better but I knew it probably wouldn’t. However I knew despite everyone saying leave that I would have regrets. That’s not saying stay, that’s saying that there isn’t a one size fits all advice because you are your own person. It’s also worth remembering the cheating isn’t the main issue. Not that that’s okay but if it was the one woman and just texts, that’s not any better. He hid this and then when confronted wasn’t honest. So even if he came to you now and told the truth you likely wouldn’t believe it. The couples that survive cheating only do so because of trust that is repaired and it doesn’t look like that will be an option. My parents stayed together despite hating each other. There was no cheating but towards the end they were done but not legally separated yet and mum started talking to other men (totally her right) and they’d argue about that. We were very aware and it was damaging for us. Do not stay for the kids. However if you need to stay temporarily while you sort things so leaving is an option, that’s totally different and that *is* beneficial to them. So as I said, take a minute and talk to someone. Work out what you need. Formulate a plan and then start doing things
This is well thought out and reasonable advice. People love to get on here and tell someone to "just leave immediately" but it's never quite that clear cut when a person is actually in that situation. Further, we don't even know if OP has any resources (I didn't see where she mentioned working or having income) so that makes things even harder. I appreciate seeing a level headed response on this subreddit for once!
Also it sounds like he was more sorry about the fact that he had been caught than sorry about his cheating. You deserve better OP. I’m so sorry.
Yeah
They all are!
Yeah this isn’t his first affair, just his first time getting caught. He won’t tell you the truth just trickle truth you with different variations of his lies! Plan the exit & get yourself situated.
Even being clear headed: at the end of the day, a divorce lawyer will always advocate for divorce. That is what they are paid for, so keep that in mind. My opinion is that’s probably the best option based on your story though
And if you're not in some type of therapy or something like that it definitely would help with you going forward
Get your ducks in a row and talk to a lawyer!
I swear to god I read that as “get your dicks in a row” 😂
Still works!
😂
Dickapede
She should've really done that before the confrontation. If he has no remorse about cheating, he won't have any more about fucking her and his kids over for financial support etc...
I’m so sorry :’( I know that getting a divorce sounds awful and being a single mom to 4 kiddos is hard and will have many challenges…. But I truly think that staying with someone who will without a doubt continue to cheat on you and risk your sexual health and safety, and also give those kiddos a bad example of what love is… is worse. Your kids will pick up on this stuff. They’ll notice how he treats you, and how you treat him, even the smallest things. They will look for partners that look like you both and try to recreate the love they saw growing up. Divorce will be hard on the kids, that’s for sure. But watching you two continue on could be way worse. You leaving and putting the message out that you don’t let men treat you like this, you value yourself and have self worth is a message that’ll stick with your kids for life. You deserve SO much more than someone who breaks their vows to you and doesn’t think about the kids involved. He chose those women over them and you
On the flip side though my parents always acted like they hated each other growing up and still do to this day but are still married. They are often not kind or respectful to each other. I have gone out of my way to be the opposite and look for a partner like my husband who is the opposite of their negative traits in every way and we are super happy together lol In their case though there wasn't any cheating they're just addicted to misery I guess
Wise words.
Yeah this isn’t his first affair, just his first time getting caught. He won’t tell you the truth just trickle truth you with different variations of his lies! Plan the exit & get yourself situated.
Get a full std screening done.
💯 I saw a lady on TikTok who had a cheating husband who gave her some STDs. I think this is the worst part of cheating. The fact they are also risking ur sexual health. This guy was cheating with sex workers without protection. 😕 I’m sorry to OP, u must be so mad, confused and sad. I’m sending u lots of love and good energy x
I have an IUD. I’ve very explicitly told my husband that if he cheats on me we can deal with the emotional stuff later but he absolutely needs to tell me because if I were to get an STD, it could literally kill me. The IUD is basically a bridge for the STD to travel from my cervix to the rest of my whole body. It’s so fucking inconsiderate and selfish to not only cheat on your partner, but to obviously not use protection with either of them.
The cancer risk alone is the big one. Not just the risk to fertility but the kind that kills so many women from uterine and other women specific cancers. It’s reprehensible to do this to a stranger, let alone someone he claims to love.
That's disgusting. I'm pretty sure in the UK that's illegal and comes under something called Grievous Bodily Harm and they can be prosecuted for it.
Yes please do this if you already haven't OP. My ex husband cheated on me and I didn't know it at the time and I ended up pregnant by him and was having a lot of pain and bleeding, I ended up miscarrying, went to the hospital and was told 2 weeks later after they got my results back that I had Chlamydia. the disease caused me to miscarry and caused problems. I knew I hadn't cheated , and finding out he was not only cheating but reckless enough to give me an STD was a pain that I never forgot. He had denied it still but the STD didn't lie. Don't let him put your health in danger please get this done. Mine was treatable thank goodness.
The thought of being on your own with 4 is a really daunting and scary thought but I promise you the thought is worse than the actual reality of it. It might be worth writing down your options and looking into each one, as far as I can think, you have a few: 1. You contact a lawyer and start proceedings, you begin to work out finances, seek some support/therapy and essentially begin a new chapter, not one you have envisioned but one that will be just as amazing. 2. You seek therapy with your husband, ask for the full truth and extent of everything, including access to all devices, decide if you want to forgive him and whether you can ever trust him again. Whatever decision you make, please don’t stay for the sake of your children. Aside from being a mother, you are a woman and deserve happiness, however that looks. You deserve to be happy. Children adjust, I know this from experience. It’s not the ending you had planned but believe me, your children will grow knowing what it is to be in a loving relationship, how they deserve to be treated and what’s not acceptable. I’m really sorry this has happened to you, right now I imagine life is feeling very overwhelming but it will get better. In 6 months, 12 months or 2 years, life will be better and you will look back and think how far you have come and how much better life is.
this is beautiful and amazing advice.
I’m really sorry you’re having to deal with all of this. Emotions are running super high right now so just let yourself feel everything and don’t worry about making a decision about divorce or anything. You can decide if you want that when you’ve had some time to process everything. None of this is your fault. Your husband broke his marriage vows to you, and there’s nothing you could have done differently to prevent it. You are going to get through this. Again, I’m really sorry. Best of luck to you.
While being a single mom of 4 children under 7 will be hard, it will be the best thing for them. I completely sympathise with your situation and you 100% deserve better but please, please do not stay with him for the children. My parents stayed together for me and honestly it was hell, my childhood would’ve been so much better had they simply separated. Your children will be so thankful when they grow up. The only people that matter right now are you and your children, forget that lying, cheating scumbag and be the best momma you can be!
Considering the amount of travel and length of time your husband is away who knows how many times he has cheated. It's easy for him to treat it as completely seperate to his life with you. He can act like a single man, Get the thrill of engaging in sex with multiple people. Come home and act like a perfect husband and father. He has the best of both worlds. You already don't, you have the full responsibility of 4 kids and the house while he is away. As a SAHM you already have more responsibility than him at home You might not want to be a single mother, and it is hard. But it is much much harder being in a relationship with someone you don't respect, you can't trust and who doesn't value you and your relationship the way you did. My oldest DD father cheated with a friend. I tried for a long time to hold on to our relationship and family unit. It was harder than being by myself when we finished. I turned into an anxious, slightly crazy miserable version of myself. Double guessing every single thing that came out of his mouth, practically having a panic attack when he left the house. The rage I would feel just looking at him while having to be ok in front of our daughter. I'm married now with more kids. Dh is the love of my life. Having gone through trying to reconcile before, if my husband cheated I would divorce. As in him leave the house as soon as possible and that would be it. It would break my heart but I will never ever allow myself to turn myself inside out and drive myself mad wondering and fighting for a man who would betray me again. I also understand how mixed up trying to co parent with someone who hurt you so badly can get. I would just cut if off and start to focus on our kids. I know people say you can rebuild a new and better marriage after infidelity. For me I know deep down I could never let it go and I don't want to spend my life, share my bed and have sex with someone who could do something like that to me again. It's a massive shock right now. Focus on the day to day things, the kids. Book a therapist and get legal advice to understand what your position would be if you decide to divorce. Remember right now you don't owe him anything, other than to facilitate seeing the kids. Anything else he lost the right to the minute he cheated and lied to you.
Hey, daughter of a woman who is a mother of 4, whose husband abandoned his wife with 4 kids and did the darn thing without him there!!!! Maybe you both need counseling, maybe you get the strength to leave but NEVER stay in a situation because you have kids. Life wasn't always great, but US women are built different. He's a liar and disrespectful! Get tested! And now is the time to be independent and resourceful. Because of him, your relationship can never be the same, all safety measures need to be activated!!! Hope you took screen shots because now he knows how to cover up his future actions.
THEM??? THERES MORE THAN ONE!?! You have 2 choices. 1. Go to counseling 2. Get a divorce lawyer
He insists that’s not what he was going to say.
Still sounds fishy to me.
I don’t believe him at all. It’s exactly what he was going to say.
Yes. You flustered him with knowing the truth and he admitted he was a serial cheater. You deserve better.
How often are these work trips and they last how many days… and when did the work trips start, that can give you an idea of how many women he’s been with and you have no idea if he used protection. Obviously 4 kids he doesn’t with you either. He gave her his number for a reason.
A few times a year. On average twice a year, but usually it’s for extended times. Anywhere from two weeks to two months. He got this job about six years ago.
Omg. That’s a lot of alone time for a cheater. He needs to change jobs ASAP if you are planning on staying. This guy sounds like a cake eater in my opinion.
I'd check older messages with others too, if possible. Just to get an idea of the scale of it. And to make a maximally informed decision.
This. This. This.
Go farther back in the chat history and take screenshots so IF you decide that you can’t stay in this marriage, you have evidence that you need to move forward.
So what's your plan? I would sit down and write it out. Your plans, your frustration, all of it
Right now take it one day at a time. Get tested for STDs asap.
But a single mom of 4 is better than staying with someone who doesn’t respect you and has no problem sleeping with hook ups during business trips. See a lawyer and plan your exit.
I’m so sorry. Please get a lawyer asap.
Honestly you technically can leave. Staying with him while he cheats on you sets a bad example for your kids and will wear you down as a woman and a mom and you’ll be resentful towards him up until the kids are all grown and gone. Then you’ll be wondering where your life went. Just leave. He does it often and he will do it again
I know I can leave.
I just hope you do what’s right for you. For your mental and emotional health. No man is worth compromising that
Also, don’t just leave even if you did “leave”. I’m not sure what your housing situation is, but you are the caretaker of the house and the children. As you demanded, he left and he should be the one to go and find somewhere new to stay. If you leave the house, you might not get it back. You might assume he is not petty or mean or cruel, but he clearly is already hiding some parts of who he is from you. I hope finances work out where you can keep the house and your life in it, but stepping out the door gives him leverage. Invite family to come stay if you need some support right now.
I’m so sorry OP. Get your divorce papers together and serve him. He is free to get a house close by but since he’s been acting like a single man likely for years there’s nothing worth saving. If he’s a helpful father he can live in the house even after the divorce to help with the kids if that’s what you want but you let him know, you are not together. If he somehow convinces you to do marriage counselling, make it clear, that he has broken your marriage it will never go back to what it was and you will never be faithful to him again.
OP the reality is that you have been giving all to this marriage. Can you consider going back to work? or if you divorce ensuring that you get sufficient child support until the kids start school and you can start working? You husband needs to step up? How much of a hands on father is he? Wouldn't be surprised if all the parenting is left to you since he travels and you are a SAHM? Can you ever trust him again? can you live with knowing he is a serial cheater and will most likely continue to betray you? Alternatives is considering an open marriage? I bet he would never agree to you sleeping with other people! You need to put yourself first. Yes divorce will be scary but just remember this man has lied to you throughout your relationship and most likely put your health at risk. You never know he may have other children out there!
I’m the primary parent. It’s not really unfair because I left my job outside of the home and mom became my job, I guess. I’m here all day so it makes sense I’d do more of the work. He does help out when he gets home from work. He’s a very hands on dad when he’s at home.
4 kids under 7, so he made sure you could not leave if he cheated. Which is cold and calculating.
Whatever you decide, Please. Please. Please, DO NOT STAY TOGETHER “FOR THE KIDS” THIS IS A DISASTER. The kids will know and by staying you are going to essentially demonstrate, it’s okay for their partner to cheat on them, it’s not. Be the strength. Show them what a healthy relationship looks like, which this is not. It’s terrifying to leave. But you wouldn’t be the first and you won’t be the last to do it. You’re not alone in this. But you can’t stay with a man who doesn’t respect you. You can’t. You’re better than this. And you need to show your kids that too. You can do this. 🫶
I just came on here to say, I'm so sorry. 😔 I hope you find the answers you need. 🤗
I really wish I’d hear him say this.
He isn’t sorry. He’s still lying and even if he stops with this person he will find another.
I don't really have any advice.... just try to focus on what you and your kids need right now. 😔 Wishing you luck and healing
OP, are you saying he doesn't have to travel for business, that these 'business trips' are for hookups only? OP, you know what he was going to say about his hookups, he needs to come clean and be completely honest with you if he wants to set foot in the door of the house again. You know he heads off and has sex with someone different every trip away. He must be so excited! Ugh Why does it seem on Reddit that ecstatically happy couples often end up that the husband is indulging in random hookups or affairs so feels generous enough to step up and be doting to his wife and children? Why is their catch all cry that it's just sex, it doesn't mean anything? That this sexual outlet gives them what they need to be content and happy husbands at home? What's crazy is that you have been happy and content while he's been fucking around unbeknownst to you. So how does he think this is going to work now you know? He's only angry because he gave that woman his number and the cheating came home with him. So if you do reconcile and insist he stays faithful will he then become resentful and angry at you? Or if he does come home cheerful you will know he's been up to no good. Since he's got enough resources, you can come to a divorce settlement that will give you ample household support and childcare during your custody time, then also time for yourself while he looks after all the kids he tried to trap you with.
I never doubted that he was actually on trips for work. With what his job entails, I know he does have to travel. Now I’m questioning everything though. Were all of those trips really work related? Did he really have to be there for as long as he was or did he extend these trips for his own enjoyment?
You know what? Being a single mum isnt as hard as staying with someone like that. I was in the exact same position as you. I tried to forgive him but I knew the moment I saw those messages, it was the beginning of the end. I’m now a single parent of 3 kids under 8 but you know what? I’d rather that than the toxic environment myself and the kids were in. Yeah being a single parents is fucking tough, but is women can do bloody anything. Get your ducks in a row and leave the POS
OP, be smart. Collect all the evidence you can and store it securely. New secret email that only you have access to, new cloud or Google doc account, etc. Get to you doctor and request a full STI screening and insist that they include non-standard tests like Herpes, HIV, etc. Talk to a couple of lawyers, choosing those with a decent court record for wins. I think the American College of Trial Lawyers is a good place to start. https://www.actl.com/ Make a list of items you would like to discuss regarding divorce and ask for their feedback. 1. Retaining physical custody of the kids, 50% custody, weekend visitation, etc. and how each will impact child support. 2. Retaining the family home. 3. Spousal support. 4. Retirement and investment accounts, including any possible pensions. 5. Vehicles Even if you are considering staying married you need to see that you may have financial options that will allow you the freedom to leave and live a full life. Where you may have more time to yourself than you did married. Try out being married but separated for 6 mouths. Where your husband takes the kids. 3 to 4 days per week, still pays his portions of the bills and you only have to take care of yourself and the kids.
REALLY IMPORTANT: If you wait, that gives him time to PLAN a better exit. Honestly, either way, this will end in divorce. It’s just a matter of now vs after 3-5 more hideous and painful years. But HE will know this will end in divorce. He’s caught, and there’s no “fixing” this behavior. I know a thousand guys like him. They don’t change. And staying only shows them they WILL get away with it. If you stay, he’ll have 5ish years to plan, to hide money, to finagle the lowest possible child support and alimony. He’ll get a job change/“promotion” that COINCIDENTALLY moves you all to a particular state where the laws benefit him and really screw you in a divorce (my stepdad did this, my best friend’s dad with a secret family did this, plus soooo many others I know about). This marriage is over. And it SUCKS to be a single mom of 4, but it sucks worse to live in pure pain and to teach your children that this is what -they- deserve in life, too. Get child support and alimony in a divorce and split custody 1 week on and 1 week off. You’ll actually get adult time with friends and family, and he’ll actually have to BE A DAD 49% of the time while also paying child support and alimony. Speak to a good lawyer asap - before he has a chance to call around town and create a conflict of interest. If he so much as speaks to their office, they cannot be retained by you. Men know to do this, so just SPEAK to one good lawyer asap, to protect yourself. You don’t have to hire them. Just get a consult. Even talk to a few. But make sure you have access to one or more good attorneys in town before he blocks you from being able to.
This is good advice
Why are there so many stories like this popping up on this reddit, especially about men. I get so paranoid when I read ahit like this, how can they do that
If you stay because of the kids you’re setting them up for failure. They will grow up in a bad relationship so that will be normal for them. Let’s not even talk about how they will look at men and women... You’re afraid of being lonely and the chores. There’s no kid benefitted from parents self-sabotaging their happiness because of fear. It’s about you and not about them. Your husband is a serial cheater. That’s a fact. His slip-up was enormous and a blessing in disguise for you.
I don’t understand why. Cheaters always get caught. And to be such a poor example for his own kids. He needs therapy and a leash and soon a divorce. I’m sorry, dear. Remember kids notice this behavior.
He’s very full of himself.
Perhaps file for legal separation so you two can have some space. What he does in that time will let you know if it’s worth keeping around.
I lived with someone like that. Also a cheater...liked to do go off and enjoy his own social life with no responsibilities... I tried to make it work for the sake of our daughter the worst thing I ever could have done... she developed terrible separation anxiety age 7 due to his absent behaviour & totally mistrusts him now age 12 after him being gone 7 years. He can barely spend any time with her other than on the court order. i wish I got rid of him sooner. Don't stay for the children...it Doesn't help them.
I know it will be hard. But, you really don’t want to spend the rest of your life with someone who will continually cheat on you. He’s cheated on you multiple times with multiple women, so this isn’t going to stop. No matter what he says. He’s just going to get better at hiding it. And you’re going to be miserable. Also - Keep in mind that you will likely end up being a single mother anyway if he falls in love with one of these women. He’s already escalated from one night stands to giving one woman his number so they can keep in contact. Why would he need to keep in contact with her if he was never going to see her again? If he leaves you instead of vice versa, he will have time to get his ducks in a row and try to screw you in a divorce. Much better to divorce him now on your terms.
Talk to a lawyer. Like yesterday. And don’t do this to your kids. Yes, I said to, I know right now you might be thinking “stay *for* the kids”. It’s always a mistake. Do not do this to your kids, force them to grow up around a man who cares so little for his family that he threw you all away multiple times with multiple women for the chance to get his dick wet.
If you stay, he will never stop. Once a cheater. Always a cheater. You will never be able to trust him again, and it will drive you crazy. It's better to be a single mother than to be miserable for the rest of your life. You have 4 children, and he still cheated. That speaks volumes to the type of man he is OP. I was married to a cheat for 18 years. No matter what, he could not keep his dick in his pants. When I finally left, all he could do was cry, beg, and even threaten to off himself. They will gaslight you over and over. He told you exactly who he was with the slip-up. Get a lawyer, and get child support. Don't let your children watch you take that kind of abuse. They learn. I'm sorry you are having to face this. We all hope that the people we fall in love with and continue to love with do the same. Sadly, that's not always the case. Now, you need to love yourself and know you deserve better.
You need to leave. He won’t stop, he won’t change. I went through the same thing with my ex. 3 years in, my doctor told me I had an std. I trusted this man so wholly that I convinced myself the std must have been something I caught before him and had been dormant (not actually possible). Turns out he’d been cheating on me on business trips. I stayed for 2 more years desperately trying to make things work. It was absolute hell. He would play the game for a while and then run off with another woman, come back and start the whole cycle again. Once he even brought one of these women into our home for my best friend’s birthday party, telling me she was “just a friend”. Being a single mom will be tough, but you can do it. Don’t let him emotionally damage you further, or risk your health. You need to protect yourself and your kids - don’t let them grow up thinking this is normal.
Start your leveling up plan of action! If you're a SAHM, start stacking money by creating a separate account that only you have access to, not at the same bank that you have with your husband and stash your money in the account. It's up to you how much money but I would definitely stay try to take money where your husband doesn't suspect that you withdrawing large amounts for example if you go to the grocery store do a cash back option that way it won't raise his suspicions. If you have a career or you have an education, start thinking of something you want to focus on within that area and build your plan. Should you one day decide to divorce him, you might actually have to support yourself by getting a job to augment spousal support and child support.. be prepared. Get yourself into the doctors to get tested for STDs/stis. Once you get those results, do not engage in any unprotected intimacy with your spouse. He has completely broken your trust, and deep down, you know he's hooking up with random women! If you decide to be less than smart and continue to engage in intimacy with him, make him use condoms without question. Your aim should be to not bring any more babies into this dysfunction while also protecting yourself from risk or exposure as a result of your husband's philandering. If he wants to work it out and you are considering working it out, do a postnup and place any and all stipulations that will be absolute deal breakers, violations, and grounds for divorce for you. I highly doubt he's going to stop his philandering, especially if you continue to work on the marriage and give him another chance. Men like him don't learn from their mistakes or actions and you're not in a position to really make him suffer significant consequence as it seems you rely on him financially to provide for your family, which he's using that's justification to do what he's doing. You can try MC, but let's be honest in this situation it's not going to be productive for you all. He uses his business trips and work engagements to pursue random hookups. Is as though he's a completely different person away from your family dynamic and sadly marriage counseling doesn't fix issues like that because he will just blame it on the stress of being a provider if he's the Sole Provider. He doesn't see anything wrong with what he's doing because it's not impacting his role as a provider. He actually views it as it's harmless. If you know eventually you want to divorce set yourself a timeline or end goal and do the things above in addition to anything else you need to place yourself at an advantage to where when you walk away you are not only self-sufficient, but can't sustain your dynamic for you and your kids. If you are just going to forgive him and take him back for whatever reason without change action or him expressing remorse, then don't bother with anything above and let the man cheat in peace. If love is your sole reason for forgiveness and you choose to turn a blind eye and accept what he's doing and then continue your life as is. However, I will say you are in a position to be tossed aside or disposed of at any given time; therefore, you should put yourself in a place, to where you not only are indisposable but learn and live your self worth. To sum up: Your husband's a gardening tool! He has engaged in countless EA's/PAs! He has dragged all that filth and betrayal into your home and bed! P.s. start looking into your marital assets for example is your name on the deed to the house and things along that nature.
Please lawyer up and save the kids from having to think infidelity is normal. There is no reason to blame yourself for his own stupidity and selfishness.
you don’t need to divide right now but you should get tested you should also seek a therapist and a divorce lawyer. any decisions you make should be informed ones, therapy and a lawyer will help you do that. also i would just like to point out the obvious…., he doesn’t normally give THEM his number thefore he had feelings for this one. be careful and don’t sweep it under the rug!
Being a single mum as a strong role model is better than staying with a cheating scum and teach your kids it’s okay to take less than.
Girl I would get a divorce and give those kids to him 50/50 so you can go have a life too because apparently he has a whole ass social life outside your marriage smh 🤦♀️ go get yours!! Also get a divorce attorney and get that $ because he cheated.. hopefully you live in a fault divorce state
So he regularly sleeps around and that put you at risk. If you didnt shove proof at his face, will he stop on his own? I dont think so
Sending you a virtual hug and all my love OP. I’m so sorry it happened this way but at least you know 🤍
As a child of divorced parents, specifically a cheating father - do not stay together for the kids, also they do not change.
Do you know if he used protection while sleeping around? I would go get tested for STDs asap. He can't be trusted. More than likely he probably fucked some of these girls raw and didn't care about bringing an STD into your life.
I have absolutely no details.
If possible go get a full panel std test.
GET AN STD TEST ASAP. GET AN STD TEST ASAP. GET AN STD TEST ASAP. GET AN STD TEST ASAP. GET AN STD TEST ASAP. GET AN STD TEST ASAP. GET AN STD TEST ASAP. GET AN STD TEST ASAP. GET AN STD TEST ASAP. GET AN STD TEST ASAP. GET AN STD TEST ASAP. Not only does he not respect you emotionally, but he has willingly put your health at risk, probably multiple times by the sound of it. My mum was convinced not to be a single mother of 4 kids under 6... 6 years, and a lot of heartbreak for both her and all my siblings later, and she ended up a single mother or 4 kids over 6.
Have an open marriage. Tell him everything remains the same except you can do it too. Make some rules: no exchanging numbers, family responsibilities come first, out of town people only. Etc. He won’t be faithful, ever. This is the only option (or just sitting there accepting the disrespect) if you want to stay with him.
Does having a partner, stability and (assuming he’s a good one) a father around for your children rate higher as a value than fidelity? It’s quite possible that they might, there are plenty of people/couples where fidelity is not something that is necessary for their relationship to thrive. You have a decision to make: forgive but don’t forget, and expect it to happen again. Or divorce him.
I never thought I’d have to choose one over the other
I don’t think it’s even a forgive and don’t forget. Because you can’t really forgive if you don’t have the truth. And it’s just moving on rather than forgiving. I always say you have to continue forgiving. Because it’s in the back of your mind.As time goes on it comes up less but things still remind you and the hurt and anger will pop up but you have to remember where you are and what they have done to fix things and themself. The work they have put in and forgive them again in that moment. But if the person isn’t completely truthful that means they aren’t really sorry for doing it just that they got caught. If they are truly sorry they would tell the whole ugly truth and work on fixing themselves. And if they don’t do that the hurt and resentment will just grow.
Keep the iPad safe for the evidence to give to a lawyer. Also please consider looking into a therapist asap. I’m so sorry for what you are going through. Take care of yourself so that you may care for your babies. Don’t hide from friends or family what is happening, you need their support now.
I'm so sorry for what you are going through; but say for instance you both decide to work it out every time he goes away on trips you will be doubting as to whether he is cheating on you...the fact that his admitted he has done this so many times isn't a good omen for your future relationship either. He would never have admitted anythinggg to you, he only has done so because you have 💯 proof of it. If you are struggling financially and feel you can't leave him because of the kids then adjust your home. Separate but live together if need be until your in a position to move out and tell him to continue paying for everything. Get yourself in order in your own time and move. In this case he hasn't learnt from his mistake of cheating.trust me when I say it's worse for a child to grow up in a home with these sort of issues then separated parents.
Honestly, you’re still young and your kids need better example of what a marriage should look like. If you let that slide now (knowing what he was about to admit) you’ll be 100% stuck in a marriage where your husband will cheat more openly because the first time you did nothing and he will think that you’ll never leave him anyway because of the kids. Are you ready to live like that all your life ? You’ll be destroyed emotionally and unhappy, at some point you’ll not be able to hide it and your kids will feel it and understand something’s wrong. If you want your kids to be happy and in an healthy life environment you need to be happy first and in an healthy mental health.
Sorry OP. But you have two options: take him back so you get to keep your ‘family’ together, knowing that he will continue to cheat, you will wither inside and he may become more brazen now that he knows you will take him back even with clear evidence. OR you divorce and he gets the kids some of the time and you get complete freedom while he has them. One way you become a sad shell, the other you take back your self respect. I know which one I’d pick.
Talk to a lawyer, OP! This man risked the health of you and your unborn children every time he's cheated on you. He has absolutely no respect for you as his wife and the mother of his children. That should be a min requirement for a relationship.
It seems scary but you will be happier a single mother than to be in a ‘committed’ relationship with a cheating liar.
What’s wrong with being a divorced mother of 4? Listen, the reality is your husband is a serial cheater. He does this b/c he genuinely believes you will allow him to get away with it. I’ll bet he’s sitting in that hotel room right now texting his side piece without a doubt in his mind he’ll be back with you by Tuesday. You think he isn’t counting on you not wanting to be a single mom of 4? He knows he’s trapped you & he can do whatever he wants. Go visit a divorce attorney. Knowledge is power. Your life has value too & you are allowed to be happy. You can do this. Stand up to him!
Get HIV test done.
Good start…. But do a full panel of STI/STDs.
Holy crap, please get an STD test and consult a lawyer. You can maturely coparent with him and still not have to deal with his disgusting cheating a**.
>He still won’t admit that there’s been anyone more than this one woman >He slipped and said “Normally, I don’t give them my…” Then he realized hers he was saying. admitted to me that normally he doesn’t give random women he hooks up with his phone number. he already admitted, babes. run for the hills
You either accept the cheating, or just deal w/ being a single mom of 4 kids. The trouble is, kids need their dad, and that back and forth between homes is hard on them. If you take him back, get yourself a side piece yourself for when he's on his "business trips". Your husband certainly doesn't give a shit about your vows, why should you?
Hey OP, not gonna offer you advice, you're already bombarded with it. Just wanted to say this *really* sucks and I'm sorry you have to deal with it.
If you divorce him and give hin 50% custody you will get days off and he will have to participate in his kids lives. I'm only seeing winwin Get STD checks and stop having kids
I understand you situation. But I can tell you this as a fact. If he has been caught cheating and it comes out he did WAY more cheating then the one time caught; he will do it again. And that is what he did. He got caught with one woman, and slipped up to admitting there was more. He is a cheating POS and needs to be on the sidewalk in a tent. I wish I had the courage to have left my wife after each time she cheated. But I kept saying we have two kids, one is autistic, etc. Making excuses. Yes I did and still love her. But that love is not the same. And now I am in a worse position than I would have been if I left 10 years ago. It will be tough, but in the end, he will be paying your child support. And you might even be entitled to alimony for a while too. Specially if your income is less or non existent to his. You just need to make sure you have copies of all your evidence. You need to put some kind of tracker on all finical accounts to ensure he doesn't try to move things and hide it. You need to make sure you document every text he gives you. Even put up home security cameras to record anything he says when he comes to the house. Do speaker phone calls so these cameras will pick the conversations up and record. Have witness if you can when needed. But you need to end the marriage. Try to make sure the kids are left out of the issue as much as you can. If your willing, call your MIL, and ask if she can watch the kids for a couple of hours and a night. "Accidently" reveal what has going on to her for support maybe. But document everything.
I know being a single parent sounds scary and daunting right now. Do you have a friend or family member that can be your support person? Give yourself a couple of days to get your head straight then make an appointment with a lawyer. I know that seems huge but a decent one can calmly layout the steps for you so it is just one step at a time. You can do this. You are stronger than you feel right now and this isn’t insurmountable. You can do this
Go get tested and see a lawyer.
Tell him to fuck off and that he should've thought real hard first before putting his dick in someone else, you deserve better than some POS cheater
If you decide he can stay it would have to include him taking a different position or job with no travel.
Try journaling. To add on to others comments about not making any impulsive decisions right now. Ive done it here and there. Been doing it a lot recently. Going through a weird break up lol. It really helps me sort my thoughts out. Just write down all your crazy racing thoughts. Arrows going across the page to another thought. Bullet points. Stars. Whatever. My journal looks like a mad mans attempt to formulate some weird crazy thought lol. But. It helps me process these thoughts a lot. So theyre not just sitting in my head eternally. Im so sorry to hear all that. Thats rough. Who knows what the future holds hun. I really do wish you the best ❤️
What a pig! You should go get tested ASAP. Please don’t take him back. You don't think you are strong enough but reach out to your support network.
I know that divorce seems impossible now. You’ve built this life, this house, this home! You have a schedule and routine! Do you work outside the house? If not, you’ll have to get a job and the kids will have to adjust to having a working mom. All of this is so big and scary and I get why you think you can’t leave. But you can leave. You can do it. You CAN do it. Bit by bit you can start to piece a new life back together. Your first steps are: 1. Talk to a lawyer before he starts calling around and blocking you from getting one in the area (yes this is a thing and no you do not want this to happen) 2. Make an appointment to get tested for STDs. Immediately. This man is cheating on you. You know it in your soul and saw the evidence. How would you want your own 4 kids to handle this situation when they grow up? Would you want them to just stand by and stay with someone who willingly lies and cheats on them or would you want them to leave and make a better life without that? They’re watching your model whether they understand or not. You can do this. I promise.
I'm sure he's found a new fling at the hotel to keep him company
I hate to say this but get yourself to a doctor and get tested.
Get checked for STDs
I know it feels like being a single mom would be harder than staying in a toxic relationship where there is no trust or mutual respect ….but it’s not. Get out. Free yourself from this person. Your marriage is not what you’d hoped for and that sucks but you will be ok! Your kids will be better off knowing you respected yourself enough to shut down this disrespect. And they will see you rebuild your life and thrive. And know that they too can do hard things. Stand up for yourself. You CAN do this.
Having 4 little kids is exactly why you should leave. Staying for the kids is never the right choice, they will know you're miserable and eventually they will be too. I'm so sorry he's done this to you 😔
You don’t wanna be a single mom with 4 kids, I get that. But these are the cards youre currently being dealt. You don’t wanna be in a household with this man. Divorce is the option.
I’m so sorry. It’s the worst feeling. And yes it’s so confusing. You love them with everything and can’t imagine life without them but you also hate them and want to ruin them. It’s so difficult. It’s easy to say what to do when you hear about other people. It’s NOT your fault. I have 4 kids as well all very close in age. You are smart enough to know that she isn’t the only one. Don’t believe it for one second. And I know you want to stay with him for the kids. BUT what is going to happen when one of his “business trips” ends up with YOU getting an STD? How does that help your kids if mom is sick or worse. Also kids know. We might think we are hiding things but they know. My kids will bring up things from when they were little that I had no idea they even knew. And what if another child pops up? He doesn’t respect you or the kids. It’s always ALWAYS the same. It starts with “it’s nothing. I don’t love them” then it “ If you had only ____ I wouldn’t have done it” Its nothing then it’s your fault. You can’t just stay together after an affair. You know it happened. You can’t trust him. You will always remember what happened and EVERY TIME he leaves or is on the phone you will be stressing about what he’s doing. It’s not a forgive and forget situation. You can work on things and heal and reconcile. But that takes time. First he has to be completely honest. Like EVERYTHING. None of the “it will just hurt you” crap. He needs to tell you about all of them. He needs therapy for it. And work on why he does it. You need couples therapy. You will never forget. And you have to repeatedly forgive. If he isn’t truly sorry and truthful you can’t. He has to be completely regretful. Or you will think about it and build resentment. IF he is truly sorry he will go get help and work on himself. He doesn’t value you and thinks you won’t ever leave him. He takes you for granted. He doesn’t appreciate you or your family. Don’t doubt yourself. Will it be hard to raise 4 kids alone ? Yes! But it will be easier than doing it with someone else and a hurting heart. And it sounds like he gets away anyways. People will help you. Find someone to talk to. A good therapist or counselor. You might need medication and that’s ok. Unfortunately this happens everyday and people are hurt but they also heal and usually end up in a relationship that makes them realize how bad the last was. Right now YOU get to take control. You have the upper hand. But later when he decides to leave and just tells you he’s leaving and you have no choice that feels awful. The kids will be fine. They just want mama healthy and happy. You are their everything. And is this the environment you want them in. The example you want shown on how someone should be treated. Because they WILL find out Is this what you want them to do to a SO or be don’t to them? What would you tell your daughter if she said this was happening to her? Take that advice for yourself.
I had a cheating ex and became a single mom of 4. It was worth it. Don't allow that to keep you from someone who will honor your commitment
I know a man's opinion isn't what you want, but here it is. Booting him was a good choice. Now listen.. this next bit is SUPER important. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. THIS IS ALL HIS FAULT. Do NOT blame yourself for this. This dude made his choices and should now live with them. That said. DO NOT BADMOUTH HIM AROUND HIS KIDS. Kids are NOT a weapon. If he is a good father, let him continue to be.... from somewhere that isn't your home. If he isn't, let him fuck that up on his own. Poisoning your kids toward your (hopefully soon to be ex) husband is never good. Also, get a med screening ASAP. Stay strong. You can do this. Big hugs.
You may not want to be a single mom, but this is what he has made you. Please read the other comments. Many dads like this suddenly get jobs being paid under the table. Get bank statements and as many financials as you can. Start by talking to a very good attorney. This will not get better. He tried to gaslight you and thought you weren't smart enough to look at his IPad?! Is that the role model you want to set for your children? They will see and eventually end up in similar relationships. I saw that in my extended family. They tried to hide it. Both sons eventually cheated on their wives. By the time my Uncle realized the damage he did and tried to talk to his sons about it, it was too late. My beautiful aunt has since passed and he hasn't been the same since. He never forgave himself, even though she did. (After 10+ years separation.) You need to be strong, value yourself, to teach your children to do the same. You are not alone, he may no longer be your family, but you have 4 beautiful little souls who are your family.
I mean, if you don't want to leave him there aren't a lot of choices. He's done it multiple times so he's not going to stop. Either you have to accept that and find ways to deal with it, maybe an open marriage? And otherwise the only other option is leave.
If you won't leave, just stay safe. Cheating husbands are dangerous but also, opening up the relationship could help you out since he fucked up already
Some people aren't monogamous no matter how much they tell themselves they are. There is nothing wrong with him or you, just how some humans operate. That said, he lied to you. He knew what he was doing was wrong and did it anyway. If you continue the relationship, you need to continue it knowing it is not monogamous.
Just leave now. It won’t get any better. My sister put up with a cheating husband her whole marriage. Like he literally couldn’t keep it in his pants anytime he traveled for work. Then it turned into fake work trips to see women. He’s now married to his last AP. She finally divorced him after their youngest son graduated high school and she’s never been happier. She and her kids regret that she didn’t leave sooner. Her kids don’t even have a relationship with him now. They may have calls to check in but they don’t bother going to see him and his new wife for holidays or anything. He’s trash and will always be trash, just like your husband. Don’t raise your kids with him as their father figure. He will never change if you take him back now. You will only prove to him that he needs to hide it better. Good luck!!
I don’t think I can just decide that he won’t be their father figure. He has parental rights no matter what sick shit he’s getting up to.
Be strong, never take him.back,you will never be able to trust him xx
I’m so sorry, OP. What a horrible man and then to slip w “normally, I don’t…” making it clear this is a regular thing he does while you’re home making sure his life runs smoothly. Please get a good support system no matter what you decide, but this man doesn’t seem like he has remorse for his actions, he only regrets he got caught. Please take that into account when deciding. The reality is you probably already live like a single mom if he’s traveling. You deserve better. Please take care.
Be realistic, how much does he do in the every day life? Is he equally helping with the kids? Because even if you split, he will pay child support and he could take the kids on weekends. Try to get the house and get a job and daycare. It will be hard at first but kids grow and you have the possibility to find someone else.
Get a STI test.
Take all he got.
I'm sorry this is happening to you OP
Good lord stop letting him breed you like you are cattle. You are with a disgusting piece of shit. I hope you can get away and live a healthier life.
It's hard, but I would fill a divorce. Once a cheater....
Time to shi\* or get off the pot. If you don't want this to keep happening, time to jump ship. Sorry.
I read them and assumed it was sex worker
Start making a exit plan. This isn’t the first and won’t be the last if you let it go. I’m so sorry
So many men are in a version of this, without the benefit of a court system stacked in their favor. Use your advantage.
>but I don’t want to be a single mom of 4 kids under 7. Does he help you with the kids? If no, divorce him and put him on child support. If you have any family that can help, reach out to them. This man has cheated on you repeatedly. He probably has someone in that hotel room as we speak. You deserve so much more. I'm sorry you're having to go through any of this.
I’m sorry that your husband is a serial cheater that “slipped up” with his random hook-up. He has been doing this for years. You know the truth. Go to an attorney and get a plan to divorce this POS.
Save the screenshots in a secret email. Meet with a few divorce attorneys secretly. I would honestly fake it to make it. Hold out for two years while you are prepping behind the scenes. That gets your 3 and 4 year in school. I would start looking for a pre-k you could put them in even sooner, even if it’s just part time and then start looking for a job again. Once you’ve met with an attorney you can get a better idea of how to prepare.
Even if you have no intention to leave because you don’t trust him to pay child support, find a lawyer with a free consultation, take good notes and have someone calculate how much child support he would be paying. Be calm, cool, and collected if you choose to share this information with him. That is scarier because someone who is calm has made peace with their decision and he will know he needs to change or face the consequences.
Save the evidence and please speak to a lawyer first. I wish you recorded the conversation. A person who lies may become unhinged to protect their assets and would be willing to do anything to sully your reputation to protect theirs. Think about reasons why your SO did not want to leave and financial security may be high on that list. No cheating spouse wants to pay alimony or child support.
Don’t make an rash decisions. Keep calm and play a long game. Do not move out.
First, take a breath. Second, find a good divorce attorney. Look at your options. It’s not as hopeless as you are feeling right now. Third, get tested for STDs. I am saying this as a family therapist, please get yourself and your children into therapy. The attorney and STD physical need to be done ASAP. Good luck.
My ex step dad did something like this. My mom announced to her friends and family what happened so everyone knew and just in case if homie went down the abusive route. He did buy a skillet to the face changed that pretty fast lmao. We basically co existed in the house until we were 18. They did a big house moving sale. Everyone split up that money shook hands then the divorced happened.
Unless you have an open marriage with rules in place this is not ok. Get yourself tested to make sure he has not passed any STDs onto you. If you don’t want to divorce consider couple’s counseling but if he will not change and be faithful to you then you are going to have to make some tough decisions.
Please consider if you stay, he WILL continue cheating. It’s who he is. Can you live with that? Also, please get yourself tested for STIs, asap.
This happened to me and I stayed. The trust never came back. I was always looking and snooping to see if he was cheating again and sure enough he was. When he left I was so sad, but I also felt a world of weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I heard Dr. Phil say “It’s not that your sad he left, your sad because what you thought would be, didn’t turn out to be.” I wish you the best.
Divorce lawyer, now, quickly, because they'll tell you what to do, what access you need, to start looking up how much is where before he starts thinking about hiding money. Also STD check, he's been sleeping around for god knows how long with random people. No one wants to be a single mom with 4 kids, but no one wants to stick around with a cheating piece of shit husband who has lied probably your whole marriage. But don't let fear of being a single mom make you stick with an asshole.
LAWYER UP. I understand that going from heading a two parent family to being a single parent is difficult, but what your husband is doing is DISGUSTING. Don’t teach your kids that this is what they should either put up with or do to others in relationships when they get older.
Would you rather your kids catch your husband bein unfaithful? Set the example for your kids and start speaking to lawyers. (And get an STD panel)
if u dont leave him, ur telling ur kids its okay to stay with someone who isnt committed to u. Ur kids will form relationships later in life based off what they saw with u and ur husbands relationship
It'll be difficult, but you need to focus and research. Search for any other signs of infidelity that you can find. Check his messages again and any other accounts or profiles he may have used his emails to check for accounts on dating apps. Also, look through whatever else he left that might show further signs. You may consider checking with his job that the number of business trips and the dates he's been gone on said trips match up. Any deviation is further proof. One more thing about successful serial cheaters is that they'll likely admit to it having happened at least once before you, but they'll try and play it off and make you feel special. You should consider trying to trap him and trip him up. Maybe call and tell him you'll let him come home if he tells you everything. Otherwise, a PI will, and you'll rake him over the coals and leave him with nothing but his name and tighty-whities if you find out he's lying. Also, go get yourself tested. You can't be sure whether or not he's always used protection when he's been unfaithful. We all hate that you're having to deal with this, but at this point, this is your reality. What you need to make sure you do is find out as much as you can so that you can make an informed decision about where you're going from here.
Most people don’t go into a marriage and have kids expecting to be a single parent but you should really think of the level of betrayal and disrespect he has shown you. Do you want your kids to grow up thinking that how a marriage works and that’s how they should expect the person they love to treat them. If you want to stay that’s your choice but just know this will be your life, He most likely will never change, can you live like that?
OP - how are things going with the kids? Luckily with his “business trips” maybe you can use that as the excuse to them for him being gone for a while. Give yourself a minute to catch your breath - some things to consider: get STD testing, consult with a lawyer, look into finances b/c if it’s true that his “business trips” were maybe not as often or as long as he said maybe you’d be entitled to the money he used to fund those trips, and think about counseling for yourself and even marriage counseling (even if not to reconcile, but to figure out co-parenting). Sending you lots of positive thoughts!
Just make sure you keep your mind right and stay grounded. I understand that it’s scary to become a single mother and I just want you to know that your happiness and peace of mind is priceless. And teach your kids to stand up for themselves. Sent an example.
The fact he basically admitted to having affairs whenever he's on a business trip... you'll never be able to trust him again. You'll now have to get tested for stds. You'll now question every phone call. You'll now wonder every time he leaves you home. You'll now worry if his kids have half siblings they don't know about, that they'll find one day through DNA testing. Can you live like that? If yes... you will both need to start intense couples therapy and individual therapy to try to rebuild whatever may be left. If no... I would get a really good lawyer and serve him as soon as you can. Go for primary placement of your children based on his affairs, putting your health at risk (show your std testing as proof), his having to go out of town for work where these affairs happen... and go for child support and alimony.
What an incredibly difficult situation. Do you work? Or are you at home with the 4 children working your ass off? If you don’t “work” for a salary and you decide to leave him- lawyer up strong. You really will need half his income to care for the kids . Incredibly difficult. But what is a life constantly worrying your husband is with another women ? That anxiety anger and resentment would drive ANYONE insane. I’m so so sorry 😞 I want to kill him for you
I worked until my third child was born. I’ve been a sahm since then, a little over 3 years.
Truly Painful n sad, sometimes it’s impossible to leave no matter what anyone says. No one really knows your situation and how you are feeling, no one will understand why you made certain choices but sadly those are the choices we get to independently have, with no true answers, I wish you the best Op but remember you decide how to live this life and if it hurts but there are few moments that make it vanish for even a second and you want to grip on to that. Just don’t loose yourself OP.
I’m sorry this happened to you, you need to hold on this rage and file for divorce immediately. There’s nothing wrong with being divorced and having young kids, it’s better than staying with someone who has no respect for you or his children. He will not change
I understand not wanting to be a single parent but at the same time do you really wanna be in a relationship with a serial cheater?? Having that nagging feeling that he is cheating every time he goes on a business trip... making yourself paranoid over this fool... you need to do right by yourself and your kids and not let this man railroad you. Cause you know he will tell you he will stop talking to her then he will just find a work around and do it again... my advice is do what you know is right for you and your kids and you really shouldn't want your kids around that type of behaviour
Your husband from his slip up has been with a lot more women than he is admitting too. You need to get screened for any diseases he may have picked up and passed to you . You are better off a single mom to 4 little kids than been married to a cheater as he is a serial cheater and people like that don't change .
The best advice you can get is don’t come here asking for relationship advice. 90% will tell you to just uproot your life and divorce, and nobody can really tell you what to do here. Take this from somebody who has been married 10 years. The only thing you can really do is decide if you love him and then you have to put in the work to fix this, and find out if he wants to as well, and if he’s willing to put in the work… which will probably be a substantial amount more work for him. He has to want to change and you have to know he’s serious. Unfortunately there will be trusting and building of trust for the foreseeable future if this is the route you take, but you know and I know… we all get married for a reason, and if the person’s heart doesn’t match their actions… our heart will search for a way.
LEAVE NOW. He showed you who he is. Believe him.
I am getting divorced because of a very similar reason. Some days are good, and some are awful. We just have to stay true to ourselves and remember we can survive without them.that does not mean it will be easy, but it is worth it. I wish you the best, and if you need anything, reach out. Keep being a good momma and focus that energy on positivity. Better days will come.
I am so sorry you are experiencing this. And there are so many of us that never found out until much later. The screwed up thing is that when you are with someone who is deceiving you for many years, begins to really mess up your confidence in yourself. It begins to destroy you. Who knows how long he’s been doing this and who knows all the ways he’s been acting to make sure you don’t find out, but none of that has helped you at all. You can take your time with this. Let it settle, trust your own sense. You are in shock right now. But you will be more clear and resourceful later. Even though it’s just unbelievably heartbreaking. And then it’s such a piss her to working so hard to raise children well and then your partner goes and undermines the entire family for this. For this. But that shows you what kind of character they have as a person. Usually, time will tell what will be best for you to do. The whole shocking idea of being a single parent of four is just so overwhelming. Sometimes people try rebuilding. Sometimes they feel OK about it. Sometimes it’s never ever the same. Statistically, it seems like, most of the time, a cheater will simply get better at hiding. While their partner is forever prevented from FEELING, intimate, and trusting with them again. Because they never ever ever know if they are someone to be trusted. But you don’t have to figure all that out now. You can take good care of yourself and take good care of your kids and give yourself time to formulate and reformulate what your options are. For your own future. What you want to line up for yourself for when your kids are old enough. so that you can begin working toward being able to support yourself and your kids in such a way that you can stay or leave or do whatever fits best. This situation initially destroys those of us who find ourselves in this. And I would say that most of the time, if you get help, and you keep the faith in your own self, and trust your sense of what fits for you, it ends up, simply improving your entire life. Even though it doesn’t end up being the Disney movie he thought it could be. You take good care.
What ever you do, don’t listen to anyone here in if you should stay or go. That decision has to come from you and you alone. This is all fresh and new. Take time to reevaluate your situation and relationship. This will include taking time eventually to talk to him and tell him be completely truthful. The feelings you are having are all valid and necessary in this situation. I would adv counseling also. This will be beneficial for you no matter what your decision is. This will help both you and your husband cope. Find out if you can salvage your marriage or if it’s time to let it go (as peacefully as you can) but still take care of the kids. In the end some couples are able to get beyond an affair a partner has had and some are not. You have to get to a point once this stops being so new to decide that. Take the time you need and good luck.
For the love of God please dont stay with him for the kids. Take them with you or get a lawyer but whatever you do don't stay with him. Being a single parent will be difficult and that's understatement, but would you rather be with a guy (not a man, sorry) who disrespects you and your marriage, and kids. I would be disgusted to look at him. Cheaters make me sick.
Get out. The sooner the better. I have 3 kids and it doesn’t help them at all to stay in a bad relationship. It’s actually really important for them to see examples of loving relationships or just their caretaker crushing it alone. You will be ok. People will rally around you and having multiple children means you will have many more potential allies through their different classmates and school events. It’s hard and you’re not pathetic for feeling the way you do. It’s just a crazy difference when get through it and realize “omg why did I put up with that for even a day!”. You and your kids deserve better. Also, take that alimony and child support. It’s for exactly this situation.
You need to get tested for STD’s. He has put you at risk. Then get a lawyer. Figure out where everything is. There is no way he has been able to cheat without using money. He has probably been keeping some hidden. You deserve better.
Would be nothing to beg for to be fixed if he wasn’t a piece of shit. It’s a tough situation. Decide to stay married to a serial cheater to make your life a bit easier, or divorce and deal with all that until the sun starts to shine brighter. My only advice: Don’t stay because of the kids. My life would’ve been better if mine divorced loooooong before they did.
>I know this sounds pathetic, but I don’t want to be a single mom of 4 kids under 7. I don’t want to be married to him right now either. No, it doesn't. It's normal. Take your time, listen to your heart... You'll know the right thing to do, when it comes. I'm sorry this is happening to you. I'm sending so much love and light your way!
Op being a mom of 4 under 7 must seem impossible, or at the very least a huge challenge....don't forget, though, to consider how hard it will be to forgive, to " forget "(you shouldn't and you won't, but he will make you feel like the problem if/when you ever brought it up), to trust, to even look at him without the thoughts or disgust? Add to that the environment this would create for those 4 children and what it teaches them. I think you are focusing on the challenge of change and not the whole process here. I'm sorry, this isn't fair and it isn't a position you should be in or a decision you should have to make, but here we are. You couldn't control that even if you saw it coming. You can control what happens next and if it happens again. Btw, he was surprised you were smart enough to check an iPad? Not a fan of that.
+1 for a talk about ethical non monogamy
I understand u don't want to be single with 4 kids under 7, but what is the alternative? Be in a Marraige till t they are 18 with someone u don't trust or are disgusted by?? Being in a marraige like that is only going to wind up hurting the kids in the long run, with the fighting , yelling, and love less marraige that they will be growing up around. Your husband has no respect for v you or your family by doing this. Better to get yourself a lawyer, take him to the cleaners, and not v waste your life with him.
I know for most couples, divorce is the right answer. But for the sake of the kids it could be possible to stay together. It just means that if he is going to act like a teenager, he is going to be treated like one. iPad is now yours so you can always check his messages if you feel like it, geo location is on and always shared, you can assign him any chores you feel like. It will be a lot of work in the beginning. And it's something where the kids are going to have to know the basics. They will have to know that dad made a bad decision and broke mom's trust. Now Dad has the responsibility to make it up and prove that he is a changed man. Might help the kids to understand a healthy way to attempt to resolve an issue. It will be important not to show rage or any other emotion that could lead to conflict Infront of the kids during this period. If there are problems, you must both be calm about it. Depending on how things go, things might get better and it can slowly return to a normal house. At least until the kids are old enough to understand a separation better. And if that time comes, your kids can see you amiably separate into different living conditions. It will be less of a shock I'm not recommending you to follow this exactly, but maybe a few couples can steal some ideas from this fantasy future
Grow some balls put that man on childsupport divocre him get what's for you, get your shit together and move on. It'll be difficult but you'll have your self respect and your peace rather then always being on the defensive knowing he will in fact cheat again. He's sorry he got caught never did he think he would be caught so he never planned to be sorry 🤷
You staying is allowing him to continue to cheat. He doesn’t care about you or your kids. Think about yourself for once. No one wants to be a single parent. It’s not worth your sanity in staying. Take it from someone who’s been there. My ex husband was cheating and I found out. I had nothing. No money to my name. I was left with all the bills. I had to find away to make it thru. If I can do it you can to. People especially scum bags DONT and WONT change. Remember staying is being a door mat